1 PLAYGIRL, Inc. 2 Philadelphia, Pa. 19369 3Dear Sir: 4 Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to 5inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On 6a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women 7ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the 8age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing 9long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman 10ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate 11in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call 12us. 13 Sympathetically, 14 Amanda L. Smith 15 16p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you 17 wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot? 18% 19 MOUNTIES: 20I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK, 21I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works 22 all day. 23 24I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, 25I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory. 26On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping, 27And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea. 28 29I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, 30I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers. 31I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing, 32And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars. 33 34I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels, 35Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra? 36I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude... 37Just like my dear Pappa. 38% 39 FROM THE DESK OF 40 Snow White 41 42Dear Snow White: 43 44 Thanks for last night. 45 46 Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful 47% 48 LEPROSY 49Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me. 50I'm not half the man I used to be. 51Oh, how did I get leprosy? 52 53Syphillis, it all started with a simple kiss. 54Now it even hurts to take a piss. 55Oh why did I get syphillis? 56 57Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say. 58I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday .... 59 -- To the tune of "Yesterday" 60% 61 THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF 62 63An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth 64Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all 65who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. 66In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following 67beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma: 68 69 --That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from 70 which UFOs come. 71 --That pi equals precisely 3.000. 72 --That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully 73 squared the circle. 74 --That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. 75 76Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied, 77including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood 78special effects studio. These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal 79Bull. 80% 81 The Snack 82Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby. 83 84What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey. 85 86Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't 87 recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates 88 caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have 89 I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer? 90 91But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy. 92 And am I not the master of my own? 93 94Nothing to eat? 95 What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you 96 just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed 97 Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner. 98 99Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles. 100 -- L.L. Zeiger 101% 102 ... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even 103worse is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 1041950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was 105considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever 106showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would 107have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect 108was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such 109as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue. 110 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 111% 112 A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks 113over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?" 114 "No." 115 So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. 116% 117 A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife 118of cheating on him. The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he 119drives to work he can't take it any more. He thinks to himself, "she 120probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover." 121 When he gets to his office, he calls home. The maid answers. He 122says, "Hello. Is my wife there?" 123 "Yes, sir", the maid whispers. 124 "Is she with her lover?" 125 The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say 126that I feel terrible about how she treats you." 127 The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!. If you feel as badly as you 128say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun. Check 129to make sure that it's loaded. Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating 130two-timing whore and her lover. Dispose of the gun, and then come back to 131the phone and tell me that it's over. Don't worry -- I'll protect you." 132The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps, 133silence... and then two shots. More footsteps. Finally the maid comes back 134to the phone and says "It's done." 135 The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?" 136 "I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies. 137 "Statue in the garden? Say, what number is this, anyway?" 138% 139 A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians. 140This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use 141them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the 142following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that 143he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate 144the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to 145see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the 146Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear. 147At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later, 148he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town. 149Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy 150his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is 151brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends 152down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it 153right this time -- go into town and get the posse!" 154% 155 A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a 156buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and 157the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the 158boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks 159the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if, 160the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if 161they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't. 162 Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the 163farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of 164frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling 165in the mud. 166 Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I 167don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check 168today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh. 169 "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?" 170 "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in 171the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!" 172% 173 A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did 174for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do 175all day?" 176 Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." 177 "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" 178 Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a 179mailman." 180 "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" 181 Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a 182whorehouse." 183 The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. 184Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father 185answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded 186an explanation. 187 Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do 188you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?" 189% 190 A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice 191from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion. 192 "This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think 193you can take him. Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let 194him get you in the Pretzel hold. With his strength you'd never get out." 195 The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths 196are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned. The American slowly 197gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in 198the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal 199Pretzel hold. 200 The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down 201on the bench with his head between his hands. All of a sudden, there's a 202scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and 203pinning the Russian. After the match, in the dressing room, the coach 204finally gets the winner alone. "Great job! But how the hell did you get out 205of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!" 206 "Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw 207this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured 208what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach, 209you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!" 210% 211 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical 212island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that 213could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They 214were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of 215the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to 216the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head 217downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the 218charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two 219men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner. 220Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with 221blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could 222only blurt out, "What happened?" 223 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the 224ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I 225grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left 226hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of 227the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down 228to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?" 229% 230 A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops 231in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down, 232and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde. The two strike up a 233conversation, and really hit it off. After a couple drinks they leave the bar 234go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings. Which doesn't take long -- by 235seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching. 236 'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock: 237"Midnight! Already! I gotta get home! Honey, you have any baby powder?" 238He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes. 239 "Baby powder?" she asks. But she comes back from the bathroom and 240hands him the powder. He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her 241goodbye, and runs out the front door. 242 He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the 243doorway. 244 "Okay," she mutters, "let's have it." 245 "Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "Okay. I went 246to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We 247had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..." 248 "Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me! 249You've been bowling again!" 250% 251 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved 252dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his 253brother and inquires after his pet. 254 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. 255 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," 256he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way 257of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got 258outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a 259corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" 260 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." 261 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? 262How's Mom?" 263 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got 264outside one day..." 265% 266 A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman? 267I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it." 268 A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that 269be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer." 270 "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my 271dog's stuck in its throat." 272% 273 A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled, 274"Hi, honey, I'm home." 275 There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note 276on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about 2778. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when 278I get home." 279 Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his 280stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over 281from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the 282doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired 283girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said. 284 He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he 285was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in 286the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and 287complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!" 288% 289 A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing 290out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?" 291 "Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell!" 292 The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green 293valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad," 294he says. 295 Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down. "Damn!" he snaps, 296"Those Mormons have been irrigating again!" 297% 298 A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a 299terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at 300Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got 301homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've 302got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress 303who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends." 304 The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss 305something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all." 306 "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week." 307% 308 A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The 309bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is. 310 "I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies. 311 About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and 3126 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?" 313 To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers 314are lovers." 315 Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders 316NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone 317in your family like pussy?" 318 "Yeah. Me and my sister." 319% 320 A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old 321Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches 322down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip 323and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this 324is eight-year-old Scotch." 325 The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch, 326pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you -- 327most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even 328had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this 329is on the house." 330 A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this 331conversation. He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this." 332The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!" To which 333the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?" 334% 335 A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks 336up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the 337little Leprechaun. 338 After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder, 339struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction 340worker. Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp, 341Bronx cheer. And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder. The worker is 342pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners. 343 After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and 344walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again. 345Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and, 346after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him 347in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off 348his little dick!" 349 Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks." 350 "Yeah? Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?" 351 "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!" 352% 353 A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country 354flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a 355large button with the letters "NAA" on it. 356 "What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button. 357 "Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied. 358 After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my 359asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed' 360men?" 361 "Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better 362hung than *anybody*." 363 "And is it true that the French are the best lovers?" 364 "No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last 365all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?" 366 "Running Bear Sheldon." 367% 368 A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA. 369He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some 370gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights 371were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure 372what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry, 373"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was 374a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his 375ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?" 376 "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my 377clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!" 378 "Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just 379hasn't been your day, has it?" 380% 381 A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this 382particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the 383man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very 384fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, 385felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under 386the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" 387 Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as 388quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, 389"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?" 390 With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd 391like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!" 392% 393 A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and, 394while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife 395was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the 396Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family. 397 The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew 398that he had ever eaten. 399 "Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What 400kind of meat is it?" 401 "Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican. 402 "Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here." 403 "Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem." 404 "Rabbits don't make any noise..." 405 "Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!" 406% 407 A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother 408asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange 409symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said. 410 The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced, 411"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant." 412 The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little 413girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She 414turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!" 415 "Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as 416kissed a man!" 417 The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then, 418silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued 419staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something 420wrong out there?" 421 "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything 422like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if 423another one was going to show up." 424% 425 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon 426two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what 427I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". 428 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, 429he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." 430% 431 A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a 432car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe 433and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager. 434Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off. 435 Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was 436decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't 437driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!" 438 "And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged 439aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved 440at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!" 441 "Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger 442like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?" 443% 444 A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have 445some good news and some bad news." 446 He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news." 447 She replied, "You're not sterile." 448% 449 A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the 450consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress. The 451sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable 452for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly 453and lustful pursuits. 454 The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible, 455if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being, 456then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he 457is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife. 458 The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary, 459a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the 460affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair 461is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he 462is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with 463his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!" 464% 465 A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking 466for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his 467qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the 468white man and said: "You leave! No job!" 469 The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but 470that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow 471him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief. 472 "Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making 473your dog, here, talk!" 474 "Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he 475heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me 476good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!" 477 "If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger, 478"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!" 479 "Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he 480heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to 481the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty." 482 The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his 483final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk. 484 "NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!" 485% 486 A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom 487asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!" 488 She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after 489work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men 490should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things." 491 So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in: 492"You get laid today, Billy?" 493 "Yeah, Dad." 494 "How was it?" 495 "Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot." 496 "Good Boy!". 497 A month later: "You get laid today?" 498 "No, Dad." 499 "No? How come?" 500 "Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore." 501% 502 A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West. The 503Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come." 504 The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for 505miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that. 506 Replies the Indian, "Ear wet." 507 -- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent 508 Life in the Universe" 509% 510 A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were 511to die, would you remarry?" 512 After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in 513this marriage and I would want to be this happy again." 514 The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" 515 "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." 516 "Well, would you live in this house?" 517 "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. 518I've always loved it here." 519 "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" 520 "No." 521 "Why not?" 522 "She's left handed." 523% 524 A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park. 525They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate 526love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned 527to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time." 528 She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off 529my pantyhose." 530% 531 A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob, 532whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to 533settle for a kiss." 534 The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?" 535% 536 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient 537earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several 538minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. 539 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a 540name for my baby." 541 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds 542of first names and their meanings," said the orderly. 543 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first 544name." 545% 546 All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his 547number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas 548was the whole show. But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the 549vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession. Nobody really 550expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for 551Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the 552NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner 553is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope" 554TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn. 555 We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing. 556Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent 557to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding 558their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best 559running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker. 560 But not for long. There is not much room for freaks in the National 561Football League. Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting 562drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not 563always viewed as criminals. But Namath would have had a very different trip 564if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals. 565 -- Hunter S. Thompson 566% 567 An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before 568officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha 569house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san, 570yaki-san." 571 Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first 572Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy." 573 When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment, 574which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course. 575After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made 576a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai! 577Bonsai!" 578 Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the 579new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san, 580yaki-san!" 581 The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed, 582"What do you mean, wrong hole?" 583% 584 An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial 585city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish 586arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained 587the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the 588testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today. 589 The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious. 590Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was 591served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are 592much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." 593 "True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose." 594% 595 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her 596porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She 597picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie 598tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires. 599 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and 600beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful, 601voluptuous woman. 602 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich 603for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are 604stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch. 605 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?" 606 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my 607faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young 608handsome prince!" 609 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall, 610handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform. 611 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to 612the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me 613fixed?" 614% 615 An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a 616man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?" 617said the the soldier. 618 "My name is Mary," said the woman. 619 "And mine is Joseph," said the man. 620 "Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you 621going?" 622 "To Bethlehem." 623 "Your reason for going there?" 624 "To pay our taxes to the government." 625 "Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?" 626 "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto 627Ricans?" 628% 629 An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the 630remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, 631"I have a dead pussy." 632 The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, 633"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common." 634% 635 And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" 636 They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the 637ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our 638very selfhood revealed." 639 And Jesus replied, "What?" 640% 641 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best 642to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the 643posh hotel. 644 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman. 645 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked. 646 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me 647a postcard?" 648% 649 Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how 650Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only 651an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack, 652rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling 653a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well, 654all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just 65515 minutes a day! 656 SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate 657sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through 658the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal 659muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the 660"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistable", the "California Crusher", and, 661of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or, 662using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own! 663 SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely 664immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely 665textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and 666limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries. 667% 668 Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that 669his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young 670executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight 671loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two 672pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he 673was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that 674"if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he 675finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had 676lost just under three pounds. Returning the next week, he chose the plan that 677was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same 678regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running, 679he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the 680following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown 681to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely 682muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into 683a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!" 684% 685 Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American 686Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to 687the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only 688one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me 689have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow 690was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, 691"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws." 692 Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of 693squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a 694headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. 695Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" 696Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall, 697 me fuck-em all." 698Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!" 699Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake." 700Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!" 701Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all." 702Ms. W: "Oh, dear!" 703Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run 704 too fast." 705% 706 Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, 707Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and 708subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this 709sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste 710treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you." 711 Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's 712blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off. 713Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to 714see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him. 715 "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king. 716 "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!" 717% 718 Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best 719friend asked him how it went. 720 "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second 721night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six 722times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the 723last night, nothing!" 724 "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?" 725 "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?" 726% 727 But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose 728skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted 729calf they were sucking hind teat... 730 Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they 731called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to 732the front of the bus." 733 But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all 734deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove 735yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like 736unto a snowball in Hell." 737 -- "The Begatting of a President" 738% 739 But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that 740cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin 741to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The 742latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing 743with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole 744bunch of knuckles. 745 -- Harlan Ellison 746% 747 "Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with 748your penis?" 749 "Uh, not right now." 750 "Tsk, tsk. A girl has to have *some* standards." 751 -- Real Genius 752% 753 Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one 754particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock, 755a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition, 756said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew 757himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up 758your ass, you ugly cunt." 759 When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to 760the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if 761you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and 762your play can go fuck yourselves." 763 At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table 764to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And 765if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's 766unhesitating retort. 767 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon 768% 769 "Daddy?" 770 "Yes son." 771 "Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?" 772 "Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret 773something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And by 774the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her, 775`SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'" 776 -- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf" 777% 778 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule 779 780 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High 781 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 782 Sept 28 Blind Academy 783 Sept 30 World War I Veterans 784 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041 785 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders 786 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir 787 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic 788 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees 789 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients 790% 791 "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll 792be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?" 793% 794 "Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you. 795We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?" 796 "But this is different," protested her husband. 797 "Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden. 798Now tell me what our problem is." 799 "Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a 800bastard child." 801% 802 "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are 803married?" 804 He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so. 805I've always been especially fond of married women." 806% 807 Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted 808to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it 809quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already 810had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she 811now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming 812in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck 813the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door 814she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in 815response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my 816ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, 817and you... uh... don't have all the..." 818 "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" 819% 820 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, 821sincerely, extremely dangerously. 822 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. 823They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used 824intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. 825They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They 826used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the 827bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. 828They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. 829They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. 830 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" 831% 832 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were 833blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face 834country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost 835hit my wife." 836 "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot 837at mine, over there." 838% 839 During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her 840husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor, 841she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!" 842% 843 Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a 844blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that, 845while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved 846to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a 847pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father." 848 He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh, 849stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father." 850 But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no 851protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she 852tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked. 853 Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the 854tug at his sleeve. "Again?" 855 And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted 856by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her 857and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father." 858% 859 Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller 860and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better 861than fried chicken, is it?" 862 Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said: 863 "I got to be dead honest, Roy." 864 And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him. 865 Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she 866ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who 867can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the 868finest I've ever had." 869 -- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough" 870% 871 Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants? Yes, ferrets, 872those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing 873needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth. The English do it for sport. 874 Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitors's trousers at 875the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets. 876No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own. The 877ferrets must be young and in good condition. Neither the ferret or the 878contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only. The trousers 879should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to 880the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better. 881 Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds. 882The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record 883of 5 hours and 26 minutes. Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is 884not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten 885and not care." 886% 887 Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see 888a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a 889baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and 890ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?" 891 The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach, 892which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give 893you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?" 894% 895 Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman, 896obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance 897floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette 898girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman 899of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties 900unimpaired?" 901 The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not 902all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a 903girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place 904about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon 905as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl." 906 "Why, George," she said in suprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago." 907 "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to 908fail me." 909% 910 Farmer Johnson was drunk again. 911 "You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could 912only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens." 913 Anna said nothing. Farmer Johnson tried again. "You know, Anna, if 914only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows." 915 Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you 916could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob." 917% 918 "First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight," 919said the guy aggressively. 920 "Oh, no, you're not," said the girl. 921 "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in 922town." 923 "Oh, no, you won't." 924 "Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris." 925 "Oh, no, you won't." 926 "Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you." 927 "Oh, no, you're not." 928 "And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy. 929 "Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl. 930% 931 For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief 932vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an 933affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting 934few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped 935short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! 936 "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" 937he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, 938and the baby would have my name!" 939 "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, 940we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be 941better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." 942% 943 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as 944usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular 945evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals, 946such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese." 947 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, 948and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four 949fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities... 950 At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded 951in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second 952professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others 953nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'" 954 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor 955remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of 956the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your 957thoughts?" 958 Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'" 959% 960 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their 961engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who 962was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy 963and sarcastic?" 964 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. 965 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." 966% 967 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning 968to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this 969beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a 970dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little 971apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours 972in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" 973% 974 God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter 975what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable, 976wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment. 977 Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone 978agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and 979lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, 980though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along 981innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they 982were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one. 983 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" 984% 985 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their 986differences once and for all. 987 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just 988where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" 989% 990 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home 991from the club to an irate, ranting wife. 992 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You 993promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost 994nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf." 995 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised 996you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off 997right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on 998the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't 999find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for 1000the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... 1001% 1002 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. 1003No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have 1004been worse." 1005 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a 1006situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no 1007hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, 1008"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, 1009found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned 1010the gun on himself!" 1011 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse." 1012 "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly 1013have been worse?" 1014 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be 1015dead right now." 1016% 1017 Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his 1018proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg 1019and afraid that no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself 1020to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, 1021nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. 1022All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which 1023she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. 1024 The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone 1025in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big 1026surprise," smiled the bride. 1027 Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his 1028leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump. 1029 "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the 1030Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!" 1031% 1032 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help." 1033 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already." 1034 "Do it alone?" 1035 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it." 1036 "How would that help?" 1037 "Used a whip." 1038% 1039 "Hello, Mrs. Premise!" 1040 "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?" 1041 "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat." 1042 "Four hours to bury a cat!?" 1043 "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..." 1044 "Oh, it's not dead then." 1045 "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're 1046goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be 1047on the safe side." 1048 "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento 1049to a dead cat, do you?" 1050 -- Monty Python 1051% 1052 "Hello, Police Department." 1053 "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually 1054molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!" 1055 "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it." 1056 "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping 1057on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything. 1058Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down. 1059I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He 1060held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I 1061couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty 1062pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an 1063erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my 1064throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man. 1065Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on 1066my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to 1067say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't 1068know how thick... into my... Just a minute." 1069 "What's the matter, mister?" 1070 "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower." 1071% 1072 Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled 1073with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John 1074Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't 1075define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the 1076court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to 1077Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't 1078it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when 1079his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an 1080enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a 1081ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except 1082that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about 1083it because the court was going to take a nap. 1084 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 1085% 1086 "How'd you get that flat?" 1087 "Ran over a bottle." 1088 "Didn't you see it?" 1089 "Damn kid had it under his coat." 1090% 1091 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into 1092the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." 1093 "Who was that?" his young wife asked. 1094 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear." 1095% 1096 "I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state. I blame 1097society. Society made me what I am today!" 1098 "That's bullshit Archie. You're just a young suburban punk 1099like me." 1100 "It still... hurts... auugghh!" 1101 "You're going to be okay..." 1102 "...gurgle..." 1103 "... maybe not." 1104 -- Repo Man 1105% 1106 "I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks," 1107the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?" 1108 "All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to 1109take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the 1110camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank, 1111the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind 1112the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks. 1113 The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed 1114like twenty more gallons of water. 1115 The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God, 1116man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!" 1117 The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the 1118bricks." 1119% 1120 "I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight. 1121 "Oh, how can you tell?" 1122 "Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't 1123hear the stereo." 1124% 1125 I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, 1126"What'll you have, Bud"? 1127 I said," I don't know, surprise me". 1128 So he showed me a nude picture of my wife. 1129 -- Rodney Dangerfield 1130% 1131 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the 1132young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me. 1133I'm on my way." 1134 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!" 1135% 1136 In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be 1137mud." 1138 And there was mud. 1139 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud 1140can see what we have done." 1141 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was 1142man. Mud-as-man alone could speak. 1143 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely. 1144 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God. 1145 "Certainly," said man. 1146 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God. 1147 And He went away. 1148 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu" 1149% 1150 In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads 1151 In the evening, floating in the soup. 1152(chorus): 1153Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads; 1154Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! 1155 You can ask them anything you want to. 1156 They won't answer; they can't talk. 1157(chorus): 1158 I took a fish head out to see a movie, 1159 Didn't have to pay to get it in. 1160(chorus): 1161 They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters; 1162 They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums. 1163(chorus): 1164 Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in 1165 Italian restaurants with Oriental women. 1166(chorus): 1167 Fishy! 1168(chorus): 1169 -- Fish Heads 1170% 1171 In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially 1172announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference 1173today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have 1174a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together 1175in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned 1176around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all 1177those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!" 1178 There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's 1179citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to 1180these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other 1181than a citizen bless their country?" 1182% 1183 It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and 1184they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed. 1185One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with 1186them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?" 1187 Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful 1188thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the 1189Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well 1190brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt." 1191% 1192 It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving 1193in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented 1194Stingray, and it was overheating. So I pulled into a Shell station. They 1195said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private 1196life out of it, okay, pal?" While they were doing that, I walked over to the 1197Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the 1198Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gil!" You have to yell -- he's hard of herring. 1199 -- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream" 1200% 1201 It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the 1202American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know, 1203sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different 1204ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?" 1205 "Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this 1206country there's only one." 1207 "Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez 1208that?" 1209 "Well, there's a man and a woman, and --" 1210 "Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!" 1211% 1212 "Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and 1213Jewish men?" 1214 "You really want to know?" 1215 "Yeah." 1216 "Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And 1217Catholic girls fuck like bunnies." 1218% 1219 Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of 1220her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit 1221the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her 1222way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly 1223begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her 1224stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. 1225 "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of 1226the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't 1227mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your 1228wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." 1229 "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one 1230can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." 1231 "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on 1232the dining room skylight." 1233% 1234 Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't 1235seem survival oriented. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating 1236with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however, 1237it's a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate 1238again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree. This 1239suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many 1240life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis 1241become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened: 1242 The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After 1243some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphram) they mate. 1244The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the 1245male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until 1246the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the 1247male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on 1248Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office 1249on Thursdays, etc. etc. The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for 1250a divorce. After a long court battle, she concludes one thing: It simplifies 1251matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him. 1252 Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome 1253has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans. That is 1254why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled 1255to bite the head off of the male. The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it 1256occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while. 1257% 1258 Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the 1259mirror, admiring her breasts. 1260 "And what do you think you're doing?" he asked. 1261 "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a 1262twenty-five-year-old." 1263 "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old 1264ass?" 1265 "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all." 1266% 1267 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. 1268Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, 1269without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In 1270an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to 1271prison. 1272 They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports 1273in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get 1274them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're 1275hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced 1276to death. 1277 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll 1278be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have 1279any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in 1280Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to 1281Murray. 1282 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 1283spits in the sergeants face. 1284 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 1285 -- Arthur Naiman 1286% 1287 "My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a 1288barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!" 1289 "Not in California." 1290% 1291 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things 1292a girl should not do before twenty." 1293 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large 1294audience, either." 1295% 1296 Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for 1297you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an 1298oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many 1299cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal committment. 1300 Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially 1301the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are 1302repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw 1303in the others. 1304 While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture 1305of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took 1306it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture. 1307 Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had 1308therapy ask if people have had therapy. 1309 Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc. 1310Assume that she bought them at a flea market. 1311 -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan 1312% 1313 Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the 1314people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many 1315times a job applicant has had the clap. 1316 Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written 1317by a professional liar? 1318 If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question: 1319did the applicant go to TCU? 1320 If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she 1321have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall? 1322 -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" 1323% 1324 On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum 1325to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. 1326There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning 1327alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't 1328dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is 1329saying." 1330 The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near 1331the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back 1332to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is 1333singing." 1334 "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?" 1335 "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." 1336% 1337 Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of 1338bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the 1339court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed 1340that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 1341pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the 1342women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band 1343played appropriate music. 1344 Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon. 1345He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth 1346rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved 1347multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music. 1348 After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the 1349King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped 1350his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, 1351but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffe pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose. 1352The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored 1353banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen." 1354% 1355 One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community 1356and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and 1357turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?" 1358 Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the 1359one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable." 1360 The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the 1361way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked." 1362% 1363 One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to 1364seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp 1365and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone 1366bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the 1367flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's charactaristic curves, 1368soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid 1369her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance. 1370He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket, 1371connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt. 1372Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled: "OHM-OHM-OHM." 1373 With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with 1374his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly 1375discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying 1376various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost 1377all of its field strength. 1378 Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her 1379solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to 1380excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing 1381each others fuses. 1382 -- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron" 1383% 1384 One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while 1385visiting the zoo, desided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks 1386up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to 1387say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in 1388kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...! 1389 The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs 1390the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so, 1391he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person. 1392 Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims, 1393"Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?" 1394 "Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He 1395never writes..." 1396% 1397 One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss 1398HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he 1399there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definately 1400made his TOOSIE ROLL. 1401 He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT 1402which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she 1403squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3 1404MUSKETEERS." 1405 -- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem" 1406% 1407 One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were 1408sitting out on the porch, talking. Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out 1409of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there 1410worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars." 1411 "Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house. Out he runs an 1412instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with 1413the hairspray as it dangles earthward. He then slips the stiff worm back 1414into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face. 1415 "Well, I'll be. That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says. 1416"Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill. By then it's almost 1417dark, and they say their goodnights and part. 1418 The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes 1419out of the house and gives him a five. "But you gave me my five yesterday, 1420grandpa.", he remarks. 1421 "Yep, I know. This is from your Grandma." 1422% 1423 "Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the 1424science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by 1425some concrete example." 1426 Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated." 1427 "It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through 1428a choice of the wrong example. But the axiom is no less true." 1429 "Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in 1430the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean." 1431 "Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible 1432to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --" 1433 "Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete 1434example. And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of 1435course arise from a choice of the wrong example." 1436 -- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen" 1437% 1438 Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a 1439state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a 1440dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter) 1441and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and 1442eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they 1443shout, too): 1444 "I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!" 1445 Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he 1446was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers 1447flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted: 1448 "I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!" 1449 As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of 1450amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck! 1451So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck 1452tottering to the cliffside and shouting: 1453 "I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!! 1454% 1455 People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily 1456motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in 1457jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are 1458bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and 1459then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in 1460a while; there has to be a powerful adrenalin rush in crouching by the side of 1461a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking 1462out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other 1463side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels. 1464 Why not? Anything that gets the adrenalin moving like a 440 volt 1465blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free 1466of cholesterol ... but too many adrenalin rushes in any given time-span has 1467the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments 1468are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the 1469circuits. 1470 When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter 1471of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics 1472junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things 1473that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand. 1474 -- Hunter Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail" 1475% 1476 People who write position papers often find themselves in an 1477enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the 1478position. 1479 A good position paper will have many words in it like 1480"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification." 1481 You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase 1482limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper. 1483 Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in 1484position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert 1485Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol. 1486 A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a 1487semicolon. 1488 -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" 1489% 1490 Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old 1491has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable 1492Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?" 1493 The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is 1494definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho, 1495gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know." 1496 The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay 1497Santa," she begs. 1498 He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, 1499you know." 1500 She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing 1501at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads. 1502 "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know." 1503 Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her 1504warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs. 1505 Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey, 1506gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way." 1507% 1508 Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde 1509stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If 1510this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she 1511doesn't deserve to have any." 1512 1513 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") 1514failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to 1515remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a 1516major general." 1517 1518 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, 1519complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a 1520while and then added, "And he didn't understand me." 1521 1522 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly 1523pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening 1524sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing 1525more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand 1526on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning 1527out of the car. "Run for your life!" 1528 1529 Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the 1530Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular 1531story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was 1532roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the 1533house." 1534 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate 1535maybe, but not in the House." 1536 1537% 1538 Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the 1539still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence. 1540Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his 1541exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?" 1542 Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee." 1543 Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of 1544love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a 1545prick." 1546 "Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I 1547assure you, that's a wee-wee." 1548% 1549 Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a 1550certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his 1551own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I 1552care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young 1553statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my 1554dick." 1555 While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was 1556asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers. 1557 "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a 1558whimsical smile, "They're assholes." 1559 Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at 1560the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of 1561Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the 1562upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was 1563wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister 1564had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion 1565and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room 1566stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are 1567you staring at, homo?" 1568 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon 1569% 1570 "Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of 1571coffee?" 1572 "Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!", 1573answered the gentleman, rather shortly. 1574 "I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny." 1575% 1576 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a 1577sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar. 1578 "How do you know?" the friend asked. 1579 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where 1580she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley." 1581 "So?" 1582 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley." 1583% 1584 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just 1585say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these 1586primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, 1587and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal 1588saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think 1589you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same 1590time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of 1591Northern Mali that you may be interested in." 1592 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic 1593publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest 1594naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason 1595naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an 1596article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System 1597Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But 1598others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. 1599Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. 1600 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 1601% 1602 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: 1603"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle 1604in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" 1605 "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, 1606but not much good in a fight." 1607% 1608 The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating 1609a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to 1610his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God." 1611 So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God, 1612please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he 1613sees nothing but goyim..." 1614 "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think 1615you got problems. What about my son?" 1616% 1617 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough 1618physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, 1619"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away 1620from women." 1621 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's 1622second best?" 1623% 1624 The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had 1625made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her 1626footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the 1627reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting, 1628madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore." 1629 "You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight 1630every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it." 1631 "Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut 1632the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that." 1633 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" 1634% 1635 The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw. 1636As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!". 1637 "What happened?" 1638 "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and 1639-- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!" 1640% 1641 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. 1642After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a 1643branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his 1644wife's horse, and said, "That's number one." 1645 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's 1646horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling. 1647Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal. 1648"That's two," he said. 1649 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit 1650crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was 1651off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he 1652shot the horse between the eyes. 1653 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I 1654married! You're a sadist, that's what!" 1655 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. 1656% 1657 The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well- 1658dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he 1659pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he 1660replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor." 1661 "Insanity?" exclaimed the judge. 1662 "Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it." 1663% 1664 The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant. A 1665waiter approached the table. "Good afternoon, sir. What may I serve you?" 1666 "I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered. 1667 As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he 1668wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves. Soon the waiter 1669returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal 1670two tempting filet mignons. From a covered pocket in his apron he produced 1671a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat 1672from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate. "We never touch anything 1673with our hands," he explained. 1674 The waiter continued serving. "Confidentially," he said, "we even 1675have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory. Do you see this 1676little piece of string attached to my apron?" 1677 "Yes," the diner replied. "I noticed that all the aprons had one." 1678 The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs. 1679"Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string 1680comes in very handily. I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that 1681piece of string. That way everything stays sanitary." 1682 "But how do you put it back?" 1683 "Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but 1684I use the tongs." 1685% 1686 The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of 1687the week. As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at 1688the door. "Please come in! We're very grateful for your years of service to 1689us and our neighborhood. I've prepared something special for you." 1690 In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where 1691Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch. After dumping his letter satchel 1692on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal. As the mailman finished 1693his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from 1694leaving and disappears upstairs. She returns in a moment, in a daring 1695negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate 1696farewell is consummated between the sheets. 1697 As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand, 1698pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished 1699look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that 1700we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'" 1701She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea." 1702% 1703 The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the 1704way there, we got a flat tire. We got out of the car and I pumped, she 1705jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the 1706tire. Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was 1707jumping for joy. What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier! 1708Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating 1709candy. Everybody else started feeling merry. Those have got to be the three 1710wildest girls I know. 1711% 1712 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian 1713period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden 1714frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline, 1715as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator 1716sport. 1717 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for 1718castrating pigs during Sunday service. 1719 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 1720% 1721 The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John 1722Lennon's political song, ten years too late. "That poor fool should have 1723stayed where he was," said my attorney. "Punks like him only get in the 1724way when they try to be serious." 1725 "Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get 1726into the ether and the cocaine." 1727 "Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug 1728in the suite. But here's this. Your half of the sunshine blotter. Just 1729chew it up like baseball gum." 1730 I took the blotter and ate it. My attorney was now fumbling with 1731the salt shaker containing the cocaine. Opening it. Spilling it. Then 1732screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out 1733across the desert highway. A very expensive little twister rising up from 1734the Great Red Shark. "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned. "Did you see what God just 1735did to us?" 1736 -- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971 1737% 1738 THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION 1739 1740 1. WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is 1741 loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the "witty 1742 and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and and 1743 phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or 1744 "Bullsheyet". 1745 2. RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little 1746 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place. 1747 3. BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money. 1748 4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic. 1749 5. TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat. 1750 6. PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin. 1751 7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..." 1752 8. INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like. 1753 9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl. 175410. BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive. 1755 -- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son 1756 of a Gun". 1757% 1758 The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did 1759wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too 1760romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. 1761 So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be 1762castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue 1763factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was 1764almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. 1765 After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time 1766trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually 1767ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look 1768on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates. 1769 "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!" 1770 "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand 1771people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?" 1772% 1773 The young man took a blind date to the amusement park. They went 1774for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. 1775"What would you like to do next?" he asked. 1776 "I wanna get weighed," she said. So he took her over to the weight 1777guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that he bought her some 1778popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. 1779 "I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly. 1780 I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and 1781using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. 1782The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's 1783wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" 1784 "Wousy," said the girl. 1785% 1786 There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go 1787and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain 1788from sex for thirty days. 1789 Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks 1790the first couple if they passed the test. 1791 "Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month. 1792 "Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter 1793the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did. 1794 "Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine 1795until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and 1796I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't 1797stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it 1798to her right there." 1799 "That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into 1800the Church after something like that." 1801 "I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us 1802into Safeway anymore either." 1803% 1804 There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in 1805a bar having a few drinks together. 1806 The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to 1807drive your wife wild in bed?" 1808 "Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the 1809garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over 1810her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives 1811her wild with desire." 1812 "Interesting," the Englishman replies. "After my wife and I make love 1813I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!" 1814Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does. 1815 "Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump 1816out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives 1817her wild." 1818% 1819 These two project managers were walking through a residential area 1820one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its 1821cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager 1822nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun 1823-- I wish I could do that!" 1824 Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried 1825it once, and the damn dog bit me!" 1826% 1827 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their 1828parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone 1829being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" 1830 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind 1831Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the 1832whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: 1833 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information 1834about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the 1835country. We're completely computerized. 1836 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false 1837leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his 1838real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the 1839country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They 1840look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... 1841yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. 1842I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' 1843 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. 1844He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. 1845 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year 1846we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if 1847your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?" 1848 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984 1849% 1850 This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks 1851the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four 1852months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem. 1853He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls 1854up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special 1855surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just 1856come on over to the clinic." 1857 "But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too 1858embarrassed to be seen in public like this." 1859 "Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up 1860all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put 1861on a top hat, and come on over." 1862 The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he 1863reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk, 1864dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the 1865nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?" 1866 "My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?" 1867% 1868 This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters 1869with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands 1870dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him. 1871 "Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks. 1872 Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim, 1873the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next 1874requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position. 1875 "Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the 1876guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of 1877being so helpless. 1878 "Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a 1879*thing* 'til my nails dry!" 1880% 1881 This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling 1882good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair, 1883sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?" 1884 "I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed... 1885<sniffle>" 1886 So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady. 1887He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and 1888the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders 1889away feeling wonderful. 1890 Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and 1891sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the 1892end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?" 1893 "I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..." 1894 The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings 1895her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!" 1896% 1897 Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge. 1898The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for 1899selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge 1900asked, pointing at the first girl. 1901 "Your honor, I'm a model," she replied. 1902 "Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second 1903girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked. 1904 "Your honor, I'm an actress." 1905 "Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about 1906you?" he demanded. 1907 "Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's 1908the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been 1909laid off." 1910 "For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence. 1911Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein, 1912arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do 1913for a living?" 1914 "Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..." 1915% 1916 Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally 1917ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow 1918shum money from my wife." 1919 The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light, 1920and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man. 1921This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to 1922affect the husband. 1923 "Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he 1924asked. 1925 "Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for 1926Pete's sake, turn off those lights." 1927 Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's 1928enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?" 1929 "But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle 1930he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?" 1931 "The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint." 1932% 1933 Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club 1934car of a train headed east out of Chicago. 1935 "I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to 1936London?" 1937 The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war," 1938he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town." 1939 The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did 1940he say, Reggie?" 1941 "He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman 1942replied. 1943 After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You 1944didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?" 1945 The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he 1946exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months 1947just before I came back to the States!" 1948 "What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know. 1949 "He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded. 1950% 1951 Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they 1952were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the 1953side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck 1954driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked. 1955 Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to 1956deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl, 1957"Ah, why doncha suck my cock." 1958 "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going 1959to be able to settle out of court." 1960% 1961 Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how 1962to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say 1963`ass' and I'll say `hell'". 1964 All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their 1965mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. 1966 "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." 1967His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, 1968and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" 1969 "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass 1970it ain't gonna be Cheerios." 1971% 1972 Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about 1973their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife 1974has cut me down to just once a week." 1975 "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know 1976two guys she's cut off altogether. 1977% 1978 Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering 1979the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the 1980mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he 1981noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well, 1982hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and 1983the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're 1984lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he 1985come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner 1986asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally 1987the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he 1988said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at 1989this ungodly hour?" 1990 The man said, "Come into the embalming room." 1991 They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now 1992watch." 1993 He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The 1994partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at 1995three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"? 1996% 1997 Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other 1998and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen 1999roses, damn it. That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for 2000three days." 2001 Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?" 2002 2003% 2004 We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the 2005drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit 2006lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible 2007roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all 2008swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a 2009hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was 2010screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?" 2011 Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and 2012was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the 2013hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his 2014eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sungalsses. "Never mind," 2015I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great 2016Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning the 2017bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough. 2018 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: 2019 A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream" 2020% 2021 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt 2022great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt 2023so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS 2024THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 2025 And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no 2026one is mightier than you." 2027 A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: 2028"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 2029 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to 2030stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." 2031 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was 2032quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS 2033THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" 2034 Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams 2035him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of 2036orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. 2037 The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man, 2038you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!" 2039% 2040 Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner. 2041She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said, 2042"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..." Needless to 2043say, she was surprised at the butcher's language! The butcher, who was 2044reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly 2045justified himself. "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here 2046ham is "Damn ham". Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham." 2047 That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and 2048explained what had happened at the butcher shop. He also was amused, and 2049suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace, 2050the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham." 2051 Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip! 2052How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?" 2053% 2054 When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her 2055operation, the young woman asked him somewhat hesitantly how long 2056it would be before she could resume her sex life. 2057 "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. 2058"You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" 2059% 2060 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact 2061that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your 2062hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing 2063to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy 2064but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty 2065seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost 2066invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, 2067sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? 2068 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. 2069It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of 2070Rumania. 2071 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" 2072% 2073 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of 2074the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, 2075three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. 2076"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" 2077 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" 2078 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and 2079then. We're trying to catch her." 2080 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you 2081carrying a bucket of sand?" 2082 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." 2083% 2084 While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself 2085out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to 2086France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting 2087proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you 2088aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets 2089and food. All it will cost you is a little love." 2090 The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on 2091board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large 2092tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway 2093and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned 2094into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one 2095evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he 2096waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding 2097an explanation. She told him the whole story. 2098 "Hmmm," mused the captian. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I 2099admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, miss, I feel it is only fair 2100to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry." 2101% 2102 "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last 2103night?" demanded the irate mother. 2104"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour." 2105 "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the 2106movies you ought to at least kiss him good night." 2107 "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother. 2108 "We did." 2109% 2110 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend 2111Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble, 2112buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend. 2113 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied. 2114 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it." 2115 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue 2116and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said, 2117"Okay. It's your wife." 2118 "My wife!!" 2119 "Yeah." 2120 "What about her?" 2121 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around 2122his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." 2123% 2124 "Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black. Will there 2125be anything else?" 2126% 2127 You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an 2128elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you 2129up in the bar last night?" 2130 "Uh-huh," the elephant replies. 2131 "Did I bring you home?" 2132 "Uh-huh." 2133 "Did we, uh, fool around?" 2134 "Uh-huh." 2135 "Lord, I must have been tight!" 2136 "Not any more." 2137% 2138... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured 2139we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful 2140inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion 2141as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the 2142naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we 2143might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do 2144us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their 2145protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear 2146that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in 2147God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect 2148for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most 2149virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are 2150frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus 2151because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity 2152is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar 2153is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to 2154obscure such reality. 2155 -- Steve Allen 2156% 2157... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed 2158beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and 2159quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's 2160wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at 2161the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald 2162had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all 2163concerned... 2164I gan noo wha ma organs gan 2165When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur 2166So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat 2167Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure 2168 And iver her purse was wet. 2169But old Sir Oswald allus stank 2170Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree 2171And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out 2172Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see 2173 What I have done without. 2174But ere ye come to draw ma heart 2175Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry 2176But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me 2177And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die 2178 Afore I have a pee. 2179 -- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry" 2180% 218110 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: 2182 2183 1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up. 2184 2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds. 2185 3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling. 2186 4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry. 2187 5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor. 2188 6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits. 2189 7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining. 2190 8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman. 2191 9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either. 219210. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. 2193% 219410 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: 2195 2196 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. 2197 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' 2198 quarterback. 2199 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can. 2200 4. You don't have to let a beer win. 2201 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to 2202 sleep with it beer, too. 2203 6. A beer helps with the houswork. 2204 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra. 2205 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it. 2206 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children. 220710. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom. 2208% 220910 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: 2210 2211 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. 2212 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' 2213 quarterback. 2214 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can. 2215 4. You don't have to let a beer win. 2216 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to 2217 sleep with it, too. 2218 6. A beer helps with the houswork. 2219 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra. 2220 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it. 2221 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children. 222210. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom. 2223% 222410 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: 2225 2226 1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant. 2227 2. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car. 2228 3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you. 2229 4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. 2230 5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine. 2231 6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer. 2232 7. A beer won't switch the TV channel. 2233 8. A beer doesn't snore. 2234 9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator. 223510. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat. 2236% 223710 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 2238 2239 1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified 2240 aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky. 2241 2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission. 2242 3. A beer never fishes for compliments. 2243 4. Beer tastes good. 2244 5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest 2245 Hits" as much as you do. 2246 6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it. 2247 7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store. 2248 8. Beer never asks you to change the station. 2249 9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty 2250 cents less expensive. 225110. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste 2252 like grass. 2253% 225410 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 2255 2256 1. You can enjoy a beer all month. 2257 2. Beer stains wash out. 2258 3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month. 2259 4. Beer never makes you wait. 2260 5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. 2261 6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family". 2262 7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath. 2263 8. Beer doesn't demand equality. 2264 9. Beer labels come off without a fight. 226510. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. 2266% 226715 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: 2268 2269 1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook. 2270 2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common. 2271 3. A beer won't steal all the covers. 2272 4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer. 2273 5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car. 2274 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo". 2275 7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes. 2276 8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky. 2277 9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first. 227810. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer. 227911. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer. 228012. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you. 228113. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series. 228214. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer. 228315. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar". 2284% 228518th Rule of Friendship: 2286 A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof 2287 to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you 2288 ever saw. 2289 -- Esquire, May 1977 2290% 229120 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN 2292 1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up. 2293 2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling. 2294 3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining. 2295 4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer. 2296 5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. 2297 6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. 2298 7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator. 2299 8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat. 2300 9. A beer won't steal the covers. 230110. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo". 230211. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer. 230312. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you. 230413. A beer tastes good. 230514. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. 230615. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback. 230716. You don't have to let a beer win. 230817. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first. 230918. A beer will never call you "Babe". Or "Sugar-hips". 231019. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook. 231120. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes. 2312% 2313667 -- The neighbor of the beast. 2314% 231568: 2316 Do me now and I'll owe you one. 2317% 23186802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction. 2319% 232069 + 69 = dinner for 4. 2321% 232271: 2323 69 with two fingers up your ass. 2324 -- George Carlin 2325% 23267:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 2327 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 2328 Redwood Forest. 2329 23307:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 2331 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 2332 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 2333% 23348 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 2335 2336 1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod. 2337 2. A beer doesn't care when you come. 2338 3. Beer doesn't have a mother. 2339 4. Beer doesn't need much closet space. 2340 5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy 2341 "just for the articles". 2342 6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. 2343 7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone 2344 else's beer. 2345 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't 2346 make you ill. 2347% 2348A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for 2349more than a year. 2350 "Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?" 2351 "Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room." 2352 "I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He 2353downed his drink and left disgustedly. 2354A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again. 2355He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through 2356this part of town?" 2357 "Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room." 2358 Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of 2359thing," and turned on his heel and left. 2360 Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on 2361his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the 2362bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people 2363'round here would know?" 2364 "Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess." 2365 "Seven!?" 2366 "Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see, 2367George don't go for that kind of thing neither." 2368% 2369A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a 2370patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern 2371women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out 2372of the bar. 2373 The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm 2374bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women." The guy took one look at him, 2375blanched and ran out of the bar. 2376 The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written 2377all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister." 2378 The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame 2379you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours." 2380% 2381A bad little girl in Madrid, 2382A most reprehensible kid, 2383 Told her Tante Louise 2384 That her cunt smelled like cheese, 2385And the worst of it was that it did! 2386% 2387A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself. 2388 "What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired. 2389 "You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!" 2390 "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked. 2391 "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody." 2392% 2393A bather whose clothing was strewed 2394By breezes that left her quite nude, 2395 Saw a man come along 2396 And, unless I am wrong, 2397You expected this line to be lewd. 2398% 2399A bather whose clothing was strewed 2400By breezes that left her quite nude, 2401 Saw a man come along 2402 And, unless I'm quite wrong, 2403You expected this line to be lewd. 2404% 2405A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of 2406six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully 2407sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from 2408another shipwreck that morning. After they got over their initial surprise 2409at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on 2410this barren bit of land. 2411 "Almost twenty years," he answered. 2412 "Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?" 2413 "Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he 2414replied. 2415 "And what do you do for sex?" she asked. 2416 "What's that?" He looked puzzled. 2417 Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand 2418beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked 2419how he had enjoyed it. 2420 "Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!" 2421% 2422A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? 2423I am not I, I'm a tree." 2424 But another, more sane, 2425 Shouted, "I'm a great dane " 2426And covered his pants leg with pee. 2427% 2428A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? 2429I am not I, I'm a tree." 2430 But another, more sane, 2431 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" 2432And covered his pants leg with pee. 2433% 2434A beautiful belle of Del Norte 2435Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty 2436 Because during the day 2437 She says: "Boys, keep away!" 2438But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. 2439% 2440A beautiful lady named Psyche 2441Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. 2442 One thing about Ike 2443 The lady can't like 2444Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. 2445% 2446A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and 2447purgatory for the purse. 2448% 2449A beautiful, voluptous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes 2450one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right 2451away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her 2452thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" 2453 "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological 2454abnormalities." 2455 "Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. 2456"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says. 2457 "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast 2458cancer." 2459 "That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to 2460having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing 2461now?" 2462 "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes." 2463% 2464A beetling young woman named Pridgets 2465Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; 2466 Off the end of a wharf 2467 She once pushed a dwarf 2468Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. 2469 -- Edward Gorey 2470% 2471A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months. Each week he 2472would send his wife a telegram saying, 2473 "Can't come home yet. Still buying." 2474His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business. 2475She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month 2476rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams, 2477she wired him, 2478 "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying." 2479% 2480A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression 2481Sold cigars at a key-club concession. 2482 When she swiveled about 2483 Even strong men cried out, 2484For her costume did not keep her flesh in. 2485% 2486A bisexual chap name of Lunt 2487Taught himself an unusual stunt. 2488He could peel back his spout 2489Turn the skin inside out 2490Like a glove, to be used as a cunt! 2491% 2492A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow. 2493% 2494A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing 2495into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same 2496forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing. 2497 "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally," 2498apologized the rabbit. 2499 "That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same 2500problem!" 2501 "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do 2502you think you could help me find out?" 2503 "I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the 2504rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail 2505and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!" 2506 "Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!" 2507 "Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you 2508suppose you could try and tell me?" 2509 The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold 2510and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have 2511no balls. You must be an attorney!" 2512% 2513A bobby of Nottingham Junction 2514Whose organ had long ceased to function 2515 Deceived his good wife 2516 For the rest of her life 2517With the aid of his constable's truncheon. 2518% 2519A broken-down harlot named Tupps 2520Was heard to confess in her cups: 2521 "The height of my folly 2522 Was diddling a collie- 2523But I got a nice price for the pups." 2524% 2525A broken-down harlot named Tupps 2526Was heard to confess in her cups: 2527 "The height of my folly 2528 Was fucking a collie -- 2529But I got a nice price for the pups." 2530% 2531A burleyque dancer, a pip 2532Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; 2533 But she read science fiction 2534 And died of constriction 2535Attempting a Moebius strip. 2536 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" 2537% 2538A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar. 2539Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute 2540and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after 2541a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few 2542minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him 2543masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked. 2544 "Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!" 2545% 2546A busy young lady named Gloria 2547Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier 2548 And then by six men, 2549 Sir Gerald again, 2550And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 2551% 2552A cabin boy on an old clipper 2553Grew steadily flipper and flipper. 2554 He plugged up his ass 2555 With fragments of glass 2556And thus circumcised his old skipper. 2557% 2558A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick 2559fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off 2560the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car. 2561 The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate 2562to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed 2563himself in an accentuated manner. 2564 "Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not 2565Catholic!" 2566 "Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again, 2567"spectacles, testicals, wallet, pen." 2568% 2569A cautious young fellow named Lodge 2570Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 2571 When his date was strapped in, 2572 He committed a sin, 2573Without even leaving his grodge. 2574% 2575A cautious young fellow named Lodge, 2576Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 2577 With his date all strapped in 2578 He committed a sin 2579Without even leaving the garage. 2580 -- "A Boy and His Dog" 2581% 2582A cautious young fellow named Tunney 2583Had a whang that was worth any money. 2584 When eased in half-way, 2585 The girl's sigh made him say, 2586"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." 2587% 2588A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar 2589by starting a gimmick involving a horse. His claim was that if anyone could 2590get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house. The idea 2591worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and 2592whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately burst into hysterical 2593laughter and the man won the contest. The next night the same thing 2594happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out 2595laughing. The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules. Now, 2596a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the 2597house. Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the 2598horse into the bathroom for a minute? I promise I'll make him cry." The 2599bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse, 2600the horse was crying his eyes out. The bartender could take it no more and 2601said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?" 2602 "I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man. 2603 "How did you make him cry tonight?" 2604 "I proved it." 2605% 2606A certain young man, it was noted, 2607Went about in the heat thickly-coated; 2608 He said, "You may scoff, 2609 But I shan't take it off; 2610Underneath I am horribly bloated." 2611 -- Edward Gorey 2612% 2613A certain young person of Ghent, 2614Uncertain if lady or gent, 2615 Shows his organs at large 2616 For a small handling charge 2617To assist him in paying the rent. 2618% 2619A certain young sheik of Algiers 2620Said to his harem, "My dears, 2621 Though you may think it odd of me, 2622 I'm tired of just sodomy 2623Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) 2624% 2625A chap down in Oklahoma 2626Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, 2627 But the sweetness of pitch 2628 Couldn't put off the hitch 2629Of impotence, size and aroma. 2630% 2631A charmer from old Amarillo, 2632Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, 2633 Decided one day 2634 That to keep men away 2635She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. 2636% 2637A chippy who worked in Black Bluff 2638Had a pussy as large as a muff. 2639 It had room for both hands 2640 And some intimate glands, 2641And was soft as a little duck's fluff. 2642% 2643A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party. 2644% 2645A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on 2646Saturday and is going to do on Monday. 2647 -- Thomas Ybarra 2648% 2649A clergical student named Simms 2650Hums liturgical tunes while he rims: 2651 A nice piece of ass 2652 Gets the B-Minor Mass ... 2653All the others get Anglican hymns. 2654% 2655A clerical student named Pryne 2656Through pain sought to reach the divine: 2657 He wore a hair shirt, 2658 Quite often ate dirt, 2659And bathed every Friday in brine. 2660 -- Edward Gorey 2661% 2662A clever young man named Eugene 2663Invented a jack-off machine. 2664 On the twenty-third stroke 2665 The fuckin' thing broke 2666And beat both his balls to a creame. 2667% 2668A clever young man named Eugene 2669Invented a jack-off machine. 2670 On the twenty-third stroke 2671 The goddam thing broke 2672And beat both his balls to a creame. 2673% 2674A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica; 2675most men know it's there, but few really care. 2676% 2677A cocksucking steno named Beeman 2678Remarked as she swallowed my semen : 2679 "On my minuscule salary 2680 I must watch every calorie, 2681So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" 2682% 2683A computer called Illiac4 2684Had a rather tough bug in its core. 2685 It chewed up its cards 2686 And spewed yards and yards 2687Of illegible tape on the floor. 2688% 2689A computer, to print out a fact, 2690Will divide, multiply, and subtract. 2691 But this output can be 2692 No more than debris, 2693If the input was short of exact. 2694 -- Gigo 2695% 2696A contortionist hailing from Lynch 2697Used to rent out his tool by the inch. 2698 A foot cost a quid -- 2699 He could and he did 2700Stretch it to three in a pinch. 2701% 2702A corpulent maiden named Kroll 2703Had a notion exceedingly droll: 2704 At a masquerade ball, 2705 Dressed in nothing at all, 2706She backed in as a Parker House roll. 2707% 2708A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good. 2709 2710 [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.] 2711% 2712A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by 2713chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left 2714to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, 2715 "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" 2716 "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. 2717 "No, not that." 2718 "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." 2719 "No, Mom. Down underneath." 2720 His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." 2721 Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get 2722a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question. 2723 "That's the elephant's trunk, son." 2724 "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the 2725other end." 2726 "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." 2727 "No. Down there." 2728 The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's 2729penis." 2730 "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" 2731 The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled* 2732that woman." 2733% 2734A couple was fishing near Clombe 2735When the maid began looking quite glum, 2736 And said, "Bother the fish! 2737 I'd rather coish!" 2738Which they did -- which was why they had come. 2739% 2740A cowhand way out in Seattle 2741Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. 2742 He said, "No, I can't fuck 2743 A lamb or a duck, 2744But golly! it just fits the cattle." 2745% 2746A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 2747And had an affair with a Saracen. 2748 She was not oversexed, 2749 Or jealous or vexed, 2750She just wanted to make a comparison. 2751% 2752A CS student named Lin 2753Had a prick the size of a pin 2754 It was no good for girls 2755 But just great for squirrels 2756Who squealed with delight with it in. 2757% 2758A cute little twerp from Samoa 2759Had a cock of one inch and no moa. 2760 It was good for keyholes 2761 And debutantes' peeholes 2762But not worth a damn on a whoa. 2763% 2764A daredevil skater named Lowe, 2765Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, 2766 But is proudest of doing, 2767 Some incredible screwing, 2768Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! 2769% 2770A deep-throated virgin named Netty 2771Was sucking a cock on the jetty. 2772 She said, "It tastes nice, 2773 Much better than rice, 2774Though not quite as good as spaghetti." 2775% 2776A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine. 2777 -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" 2778% 2779A delighted, incredulous bride 2780Remarked to her groom at her side : 2781 "I never could quite 2782 Believe till tonight 2783Our anatomies would coincide." 2784% 2785A dentist, young doctor Malone, 2786Got a charming girl patient alone, 2787 And, in his depravity, 2788 Filled the wrong cavity. 2789God, how his practice has grown. 2790% 2791A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, 2792With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, 2793 Let his third-story front, 2794 To a willing young cunt, 2795Who supplied him a new lease on life! 2796% 2797A desperate spinster from Clare 2798Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, 2799 And prayed to her God 2800 For a romp on the sod-- 2801'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. 2802% 2803A distinguished professor from Swarthmore 2804Got along with a sexy young sophomore. 2805 As quick as a glance 2806 He stripped off his pants, 2807But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. 2808% 2809A doctoral student from Buckingham 2810Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 2811 But a dropout from paree 2812 Taught him Gamahuchee 2813- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 2814% 2815A doctoral student from Buckingham 2816Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 2817 But a dropout from paree 2818 Taught him Gamahuchee 2819So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 2820% 2821A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, 2822Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 2823 She blew her vagina 2824 To South Carolina, 2825And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. 2826 2827A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, 2828Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. 2829 They found her vagina, 2830 In South Carolina, 2831And part of her ass in Brazil. 2832% 2833A dolly in Dallas named Alice, 2834Whose overworked sex is all callous, 2835 Wore the foreskin away 2836 On uncircumcised Ray, 2837Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. 2838% 2839A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 2840Wished to foster an aura of menace; 2841 To make people afraid 2842 He wore gloves of grey suede 2843And white footgear intended for tennis. 2844 -- Edward Gorey 2845% 2846A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 2847Wished to foster an aura of menace. 2848 To make people afraid 2849 He wore gloves of grey suede 2850And white footgear intended for tennis. 2851 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" 2852% 2853A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place, 2854watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women. The 2855guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few 2856moments with each woman. As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't 2857hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat 2858shocked at his approach. Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and 2859they hit it off immediately. After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed 2860the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators. As they 2861passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was. 2862 "Well," the man replied, "It's simple. You say 'Tickle your ass 2863with a feather?' If she sounds interested, you take it from there. If she 2864sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'" 2865 The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman 2866at the end of the bar to try out his new approach. Getting her attention, 2867he smiles and says "Fuck me!" 2868 "What?!?!?" she screams. 2869 "Raining like hell, isn't it?" 2870% 2871A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles. 2872% 2873A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat, 2874rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked 2875down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying 2876on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police 2877station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains, 2878drowned in the lake!" 2879 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal 2880more chain than he can swim with?" 2881% 2882A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity. 2883A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes. 2884% 2885A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him, 2886 "If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you." 2887The trouble is, the note wasn't signed. 2888% 2889A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is 2890coming again soon. Bend over. 2891% 2892A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how 2893hard it was to get any sleep. 2894 "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a 2895drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled. 2896 "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?" 2897 "At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out." 2898% 2899A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. 2900That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, 2901and that's how we'll do it now. 2902 -- Dick Hamlet 2903% 2904A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works. 2905 -- Bobby Knight 2906% 2907A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong-- 2908it merely keeps her from enjoying it. 2909% 2910A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English 2911professor. She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation 2912and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the 2913night. As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and 2914asks, "Were you blue while I was away?" 2915 "Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown." 2916% 2917A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that 2918the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war 2919with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and 2920speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with 2921a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down. 2922 "We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held 2923territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above." 2924At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit. 2925 "Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we 2926fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more 2927fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle". 2928At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing 2929openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain 2930to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the 2931German Air Force. 2932 He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts". 2933% 2934A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which 2935they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory, 2936however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see 2937what characteristics the offspring would assume. Needing volunteers, the 2938scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape." 2939 Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he 2940would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions. 2941 "First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children 2942must be baptized. And, third, I'd have to pay in installments." 2943% 2944A guest in a household quite charmless 2945Was informed its eccentric was harmless: 2946 "If you're caught unawares 2947 At the head of the stairs, 2948Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." 2949 -- Edward Gorey 2950% 2951A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest 2952girl there. 2953 "This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie." 2954 "What's so special about this frog?" she asks. 2955He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that, 2956 "This frog can eat pussy." 2957The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her 2958a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much 2959discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action. 2960She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and 2961says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" The frog is immobile, despite his 2962owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker. 2963 "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" 2964 "C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!" 2965By now, the girl is laughing openly. 2966 "Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm 2967only going to show you one more time." 2968% 2969A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it 2970into a urinal. Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar 2971and repeats this sequence -- several times. Finally the bartender got so 2972curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing. 2973 Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman." 2974% 2975A habit depraved and unsavory 2976Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery 2977 Midst screeches and howls 2978 He deflowered young owls 2979Which he kept in an underground aviary 2980% 2981A habit obscene and bizarre, 2982Has taken a-hold of papa. 2983 He brings home young camels 2984 And other odd mammals, 2985And gives them a go at mama. 2986% 2987A habit obscene and unsavory, 2988Holds a CS professor in slavery. 2989 With maniacal howls, 2990 He deflowers young owls, 2991That he keeps in an underground aviary. 2992% 2993A hacker who screwed a mag tape 2994Was caught and convicted of rape. 2995 To jail he did go, 2996 From which, to his woe 2997He couldn't get out with ESC. 2998% 2999A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk 3000Made love to the drive of his disk. 3001 The thing circumsized him, 3002 Which rather suprised him. 3003He wasn't aware of *that* risk. 3004% 3005A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush. 3006% 3007A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird. 3008% 3009A hard man is good to find. 3010% 3011A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of 3012the bar. After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his 3013right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers. Anyone have a problem with 3014that?" 3015 When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey, 3016downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're 3017all cocksuckers. Anyone have a problem with that?" 3018 Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink. Suddenly, a man 3019on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy. "Hey, asshole!" 3020the thug bellowed. "You got a problem with what I said?" 3021 "No problem at all," came the reply. "I was just sitting at the wrong 3022end of the bar." 3023% 3024A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor. In gratitude, the boy gave 3025the hunter a magic gorilla prick. The lad said the prick would do anything you 3026told it to do until you told it to do something else. When the hunter returned 3027home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some 3028of his other trophies. His wife thought it quaint and his story charming. But 3029soon, the hunter went a-safariing again. He was away for months. One evening, 3030the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me." 3031Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great 3032thoroughness and ferocity. For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven, 3033but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it, 3034Gorilla Prick," but it didn't. After a bit more she was screaming "Stop! 3035Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole. But nothing 3036worked. Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams. 3037 "Saunders, help me please!" 3038 "But what is it, Madame?" 3039 "It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!" 3040 "Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!" 3041% 3042A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When 3043she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, 3044"What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." 3045 The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?" 3046% 3047A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in 3048the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days 3049and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state 3050line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How 3051do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan. 3052 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered, 3053there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of 3054110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and 3055third, make love to an Eskimo woman." 3056 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of 3057this here corn liquor?" 3058 "Got one right here," replied the guard. 3059 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash. 3060"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?" 3061 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout 3062a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff." 3063 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned 3064with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was 3065smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you 3066want killed?" 3067% 3068A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream. "Help! Help, I 3069can't thwim!" One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned 3070over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream. Just reach out 3071and grab that buoy near you." To which the floundering sodomite answered, 3072"Buoy! Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!" 3073% 3074A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul. 3075 -- Norman Mailer 3076% 3077A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand- 3078father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit 3079used to raid towns around here! Did you ever know him?" 3080 "Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man. "Why, boy, before 3081your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse. Suddenly, from 3082behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn! He told me to get 3083down off the horse and to give him all my money. Then, he told me to scoop 3084some manure from the ground and eat it!" 3085 "I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit. 3086And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up -- 3087I grabbed the guns from his hands! I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now 3088it's your turn -- you eat the shit!' I had the guns, so he ate the shit. 3089 "And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit! Why, 3090we had *lunch* together!" 3091% 3092A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge 3093Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass. 3094 "From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd 3095backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match, 3096thet one wuz!" 3097 "Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use 3098the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead." 3099 Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse? Whut's thet, Judge?" 3100 His Honor sighed. "It's a technicality of language that you're 3101probably not aware of. Never mind. Please continue." 3102 "Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he 3103was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago 3104Stroke, an she let out with a holler thet..." 3105 "One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago 3106Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?" 3107 "Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably 3108not aware of!" 3109% 3110A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all. 3111 -- Thomas Hardy 3112% 3113A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. 3114 -- Carrie Snow 3115% 3116A man always needs to remember one thing about 3117a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her. 3118% 3119A man and a woman got married. Although it is the first time for the 3120husband, it is the woman's second marriage. As they go to bed on their 3121wedding night, the wife says to her husband: 3122 3123 "Dear, there's something I must tell you. I'm a virgin." 3124Naturally, the husband is surprised. 3125 "You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a 3126virgin?" 3127 "Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a 3128computer programmer." 3129 "What's so odd about that?", he asked. "Why would you still be 3130a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?" 3131 "Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and 3132tell me how great it was going to be." 3133% 3134A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend, 3135who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the 3136lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win, 3137you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see 3138her again. Okay?" 3139 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point 3140on the side to make it interesting?" 3141% 3142A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen 3143or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. 3144 -- Joan Rivers 3145% 3146A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting 3147next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm* 3148Polish." 3149 He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother." 3150Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room. 3151 "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl 3152with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with 3153the joke. 3154 "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?" 3155 "Nah," says the man. 3156 "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish 3157man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?" 3158 "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it 3159five times." 3160% 3161A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy. When he wakes up 3162from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously 3163around his bed. 3164 "What happened?" he asks worriedly. 3165 "Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error, 3166and you got mixed-up with another patient. Instead of an appendectomy, we 3167performed a sex-change operation. Your penis has been removed and a vagina 3168has been crafted into place." 3169 "WHAT!!!" screams the man. "That's horrible! What am I going to 3170tell my wife? Can't you reverse it? This means I'm never going to experience 3171another erection!" 3172 "Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of 3173course, have to be someone else's." 3174% 3175A man is as old as the woman he feels. 3176 -- Groucho Marx 3177% 3178A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he 3179sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his 3180car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car. 3181 "All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off." 3182 "What!?" says the man, disbelievingly. 3183 "Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker. 3184 So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right, 3185I did what you wanted, can I go now?" 3186 "Nope," says the hijacker. "Do it again." 3187 "Again?" the driver exclaims. "I just did it." 3188 "Do it again." 3189 It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again. 3190Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave. 3191 "Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more 3192time." 3193 The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat. It takes him 3194twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time. 3195 "Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?" 3196 "Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun. "And this is my daughter; 3197I want you to drive her into Salerno." 3198% 3199A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman 3200for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well 3201until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at 3202which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later, 3203a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it, 3204takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her. 3205 "You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely 3206anything to show my gratitude." 3207 "Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope 3208that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash 3209and take that damn dog for a walk!" 3210% 3211A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole- 3212in-one. As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears. 3213 "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What 3214is your heart's desire?" 3215 "Great!", replies the man. I want a longer penis." 3216 "Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears. 3217 As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can 3218feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable. 3219By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to 3220his knee. Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he 3221grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course. Three weeks later, 3222he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears. 3223 "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What 3224is your heart's desire?" 3225 "Yeah, I know all that," replies the man. "Listen, could you make 3226my legs longer?" 3227% 3228A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick" 3229contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000. 3230 "Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing 3231out in public!" 3232 "But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money." 3233 "I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you 3234showing that thing to everybody." 3235 And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening 3236when he hands her $1000. 3237 "Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want 3238you to?" she asks. 3239 "Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use 3240the money." 3241 "You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, 3242tears welling up in her eyes. 3243 "Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win." 3244% 3245A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the 3246longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, 3247followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred 3248other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity 3249no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners. 3250 "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, 3251but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is 3252the funeral for?" 3253 "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother- 3254in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman 3255attacked and killed her." 3256 "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you 3257don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?" 3258 "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line." 3259% 3260A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and 3261antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not 3262from around here, are you?" 3263 "No," replies the man with the antennae. 3264 "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American, 3265either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!" 3266 "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars." 3267 "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got 3268there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything." 3269 "We Martians all have four arms and antennae." 3270 "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that 3271big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all 3272Martians have that?" 3273 "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*." 3274% 3275A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be 3276bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. 3277 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" 3278% 3279A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy. 3280% 3281A man never minds being in the doghouse 3282as long as he can get his tail outside. 3283% 3284A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him 3285three straight scotches. The bartender complied, and watched as he downed 3286them one after another. 3287 "Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath. 3288 "Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job." 3289 "Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me." 3290 "No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get 3291the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will." 3292% 3293A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't 3294help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on 3295the train platform. 3296 "Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger. 3297 "Glad to do it," said the other man. 3298 "Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful." 3299 "It was a pleasure," said the man. 3300 "And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger, 3301"she was a truly great lay." 3302 The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned 3303to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you 3304to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?" 3305 "Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it. But 3306Sam is a helluva nice guy." 3307% 3308A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got 3309some good news and some bad news." 3310 "Tell me the good news first" the patient replies. 3311 "The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches 3312longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says. 3313 "That's great!" says his patient. "What's the bad news?" 3314 "Malignant." 3315% 3316A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a 3317water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th 3318person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts: 3319First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone 3320ever had; beyond your wildest dreams. Or, second, for a whole year you can 3321be the best golfer the world has ever known. Which do you prefer?" The man 3322thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf. Well, the man holed his wood 3323shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and 3324went round in 22. Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world, 3325and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever 3326he went. A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog, 3327and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up, 3328and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before. But tell me, I 3329was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is 3330outstanding?" The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department 3331at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex 3332last year?" inquired the frog. The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight 3333or ten times, I guess." "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very 3334satisfactory." "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad 3335for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota." 3336% 3337A man was talking to his best friend about his married life. "You know," he 3338says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to 3339me, but there's *always* that doubt. There's *always* that little doubt." 3340 "Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies. 3341 "Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend, 3342and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust 3343her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt." 3344 The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report. 3345 "I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening 3346after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man 3347got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife. 3348After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he 3349took off his shirt and she took off her blouse. And then the light went 3350out." 3351 "*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide. 3352 "Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see." 3353 "Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's *always* 3354that doubt!" 3355% 3356A man who likes to lie in bed can usually 3357find a girl willing to listen to him. 3358% 3359A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender 3360shoved the foaming glass in front of him. 3361 "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold 3362the glass for me? 3363 "Sure," said the bartender. 3364 "If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket, 3365you'll find the money for the beer." 3366 The bartender got the money and rang up the bill. 3367 "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. 3368Where is the men's room?" 3369 "Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk 3370two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner." 3371% 3372A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. 3373% 3374A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons. 3375% 3376A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment 3377for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home. One day the son 3378wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best 3379old age home that money can buy. 3380 On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts 3381to lean a little bit to one side. Right away a nurse runs over and gently 3382straightens the old man. A little later he's eating dinner, and when he 3383finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side. Another nurse runs 3384over and gently pushes him upright again. 3385 The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's 3386being treated. 3387 "It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father. "I really like 3388it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable, 3389there's just one little problem." 3390 "What's that, Dad?" 3391 "They won't let you fart." 3392% 3393A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger. 3394% 3395A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good 3396many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and 3397the police. 3398 -- Mr. Dooley 3399% 3400A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down, 3401swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked 3402his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole. 3403 "Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?" 3404 "Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle. 3405 The mouse's eyes bugged out. "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?" 3406% 3407A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of 3408Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it 3409anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve 3410the pressure. 3411 "Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the 3412foreman. "The other men swear by it." 3413 The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of 3414his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it 3415every day!" 3416 "Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the 3417other men replied. 3418 "Why not then?" 3419 "That's your day in the barrel." 3420% 3421A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he 3422on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges 3423over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom. 3424As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet 3425from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength. 3426"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin' 3427you now: Save me, Lord, save me." 3428 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 3429 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!" 3430 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 3431 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..." 3432 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 3433 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls 3434to his death. 3435 "DUMB YANKEE." 3436% 3437A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered 3438by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned 3439out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained 3440that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused 3441himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped 3442the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?" 3443 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the 3444onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?" 3445 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a 3446gallon or two." 3447% 3448A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. 3449 -- Phyllis Schlafly 3450% 3451A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check 3452out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk 3453Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two. After a few 3454minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form 3455and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him. The chemistry between 3456them is immediate and total. They have the next drink in her room, and spend 3457the night repeatedly making passionate love. The woman has no idea of her 3458partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad. In the 3459morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower. Reflecting on the previous 3460night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover. Without even 3461bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room, 3462where the woman is still in bed, exhausted. He kneels beside the bed, looks 3463deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell 3464you -- I'm Thor!". 3465 The woman looks at him. "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel 3466like grated cheeth!" 3467% 3468A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing 3469sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always 3470married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband, 3471to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking 3472risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed: 3473to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings, 3474thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy 3475that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing 3476children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised 3477by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males. 3478 -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality", 3479 attempting to explain the lack of female interest in 3480 pornography. 3481% 3482A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing 3483sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always 3484married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband, 3485to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking 3486risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed: 3487to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings, 3488thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy 3489that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing 3490children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised 3491by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males. 3492 -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality", 3493 attempting to explain the lack of female interest in 3494 pornography. 3495% 3496A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't 3497going to win any trophies, at least on this course. On the 3rd hole, after 3498two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!" 3499 His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says 3500nothing. 3501 On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after 3502the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!" 3503 This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting 3504more and more upset about his language. Finally, on the 17th hole, he again 3505misses a very easy putt. Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the 3506club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time. His wife 3507whirls around and cries, "Honey! Our daughter is standing right next to you!" 3508 Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the 3509daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't 3510you?" 3511 "Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger." 3512% 3513A nymph hits you and steals your virginity. 3514% 3515A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time 3516talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade 3517was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to 3518their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of 3519the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and 3520said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?" 3521% 3522A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is 3523true to the very end of the end of a friend. 3524% 3525A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages, 3526who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never 3527speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of 3528unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be! 3529 -- Thackeray 3530% 3531A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his 3532trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments. With this in 3533mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited 3534results. Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard. Since the talented 3535octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed. Opening the door 3536the next morning, he asked the octopus, 3537 "Have you learned to play that thing yet?" 3538 "Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all 3539night!" 3540% 3541A person who has both feet planted firmly 3542in the air can be safely called a liberal. 3543% 3544A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed 3545against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his 3546hands. He's moaning something about how "They took my car!" Seeing that 3547the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case 3548of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man. 3549 "What happened to your car?" 3550 "My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards 3551stole it! Please officer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on 3552the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; 3553right on my key!" 3554 "OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do. You'll have to come 3555down to the stat... Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing 3556yourself!" 3557 "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!" 3558% 3559A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. 3560% 3561A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice. 3562% 3563A programmer down in Moline 3564Said, I'm the match for any machine. 3565 My secret's aversion, 3566 To loops and recursion, 3567Just acres of in-line routine. 3568 -- W.J. Wilson 3569% 3570A progressive professor named Winners 3571Held classes each evening for sinners. 3572 They were graded and spaced 3573 So the vile and debased 3574Would not be held back by beginners. 3575% 3576A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans 3577over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" 3578 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a 3579Bishop." 3580 "Well, could you get any higher than that?" 3581 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I 3582might be made an Archbishop." 3583 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" 3584 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal." 3585 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" 3586 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could 3587be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will." 3588 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go 3589up from being the Pope?" 3590 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" 3591 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it." 3592% 3593A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale, 3594commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked. 3595 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it 3596the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of 3597field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living 3598room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling 3599beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way." 3600 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer 3601looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too 3602obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe." 3603% 3604A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone 3605and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided 3606to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she 3607could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent 3608idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room, 3609and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say 3610'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" 3611 At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit." 3612 Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes 3613in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on 3614its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" 3615 "Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot. 3616 Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes 3617in the freezer," and slammed the door on him. 3618 Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a 3619big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God, 3620you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!" 3621% 3622A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From 3623his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, 3624sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprieter, "How much 3625to replace this, Ian?" The proprieter says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four 3626pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the 3627condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders 3628for a moment, then says, "I'll be back." 3629 Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and 3630says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!" 3631% 3632A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair. 3633One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share. 3634He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet. 3635So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street. 3636 3637Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by. 3638One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye. 3639"See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?" 3640"I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?" 3641 3642They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free. 3643They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see. 3644And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt, 3645Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth. 3646 3647They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone." 3648"Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along." 3649As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow, 3650Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show. 3651 3652The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees. 3653Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see's. 3654Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes, 3655"Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize." 3656 -- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman" 3657% 3658A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy, 3659all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer. "Say, 3660Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff. 3661 "A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the 3662cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy. 3663 "Good work, boy," replied the sheriff. "Pretty gory work -- were 3664all of 'em dead?" 3665 Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but 3666you know how them Mex'cans lie." 3667% 3668A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex 3669act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and 3670styles of condoms. The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity 3671for fun at the lad's expense. 3672 "Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand. 3673The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in 3674her hand as she measured it. When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and 3675a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a 3676tremendous discharge. After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now 3677give him the proper size. 3678 "I'll do more than that," she said. "I'll give you free meals and a 3679half interest in the store." 3680% 3681A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game. It 3682happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball 3683greats are there. The son escorts his father to box seats right on the 3684third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap. 3685 The first batter up is Mickey Mantle. On the second pitch he 3686swings that bat and CRACK! The ball ricochets off the wall for a double. 3687The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey! 3688Runna Mickey!" 3689 The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio. The pitcher, pitching him 3690carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner. 3691 "Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins 3692to walk to first base. 3693 The father yells out, "Runna Joe! Runna Joe!" 3694 "No, no, Pop," corrects his son. "He got four balls. He walks." 3695 And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud 3696Joe. Walka proud." 3697% 3698A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the 3699animals. When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby 3700attendant. 3701 "Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper 3702pricks than those raised in Africa?" 3703 The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered, 3704"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are 3705about the same." 3706% 3707A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at 3708the local saloon. After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he 3709hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town. 3710 The bartender replied, "Nope. Ain't no women in this town!" 3711 "No women? What do the men do for... er..." 3712 "Oh, for sex? Did you see all those pigs in the street? That's the 3713answer, right there." 3714 Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his 3715drinking. Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he 3716wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs 3717to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was 3718game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose 3719a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went 3720quiet. In the embarassing hush, all eyes were upon him. 3721 "What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!" 3722 "Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep. 3723% 3724A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows. 3725% 3726A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go 3727for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired. Under 3728a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and 3729with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter. Sobbing 3730uncontrollably she asked her seducer, 3731 "How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?" 3732 "Twice?" asked the young man, confused. 3733 "Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye. 3734"You're going to do it again, aren't you?" 3735% 3736A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the 3737greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple." 3738 Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand. 3739 "Yes, Tony?" 3740 "Christopher Columbus!" says Tony. 3741 "Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man, 3742but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived." 3743 From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand. 3744 "Yes, Bernie?" 3745 "Jesus Christ", says Bernie. 3746 "That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher. "And here is 3747your apple." 3748 When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize, 3749the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised 3750that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived." 3751 "Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge, 3752but business is business." 3753% 3754A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa. 3755% 3756A trapper named Francois Lefebrve 3757Once captured and buggered a beabrve. 3758 The result of this fuck 3759 Was a three titted duck, 3760A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. 3761% 3762A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the 3763century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very 3764rare and exotic. One night one of the elephants escaped. It was hungry 3765and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard. The woman, who had 3766never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police. 3767 3768Little Old Lady: "There's a *huge* monster in my garden! 3769Police: "Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right. Now exactly what 3770 does it look like?" 3771LOL: "It's a dark color and it's tremendous! It's pulling up my 3772 vegetables with its tail!" 3773Police: "With its tail? Then what's it doing?" 3774LOL: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!" 3775% 3776A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry. 3777% 3778A virgin is chaste. 3779% 3780A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked. 3781% 3782A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty 3783comes most easily to those who have no taste for it. 3784 -- Oscar Wilde 3785% 3786A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age. 3787 -- Addison 3788% 3789A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there 3790*for the rest of your life*. 3791 -- Jim Samuels 3792% 3793A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed 3794this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an 3795unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!" 3796 -- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why 3797 masturbation is "by no means harmless" 3798% 3799A woman can never be too rich or too thin. 3800% 3801A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed. 3802 -- Scott 3803% 3804A woman forgives the audacity of which 3805her beauty has prompted us to be guilty. 3806 -- LeSage 3807% 3808A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high 3809dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried 3810about some of the side effects she was experiencing. 3811 "Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot 3812with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too 3813much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!" 3814 The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal 3815side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" 3816 "On my balls." 3817% 3818A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be 3819thankful for a good one. 3820 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings 3821% 3822A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into 3823the passenger seat. The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?" 3824 The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask 3825people personal questions." 3826 The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" 3827 The mother replies "That's a personal question too. I'm not going 3828to tell you." 3829 Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions. The mother parks the 3830car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes. You stay here in 3831the car and watch my purse." 3832 After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's 3833license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it. When 3834her mother returns they drive off. The little girl comments: 3835 "Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32." 3836 "That's right! How did you know?" 3837 "And you weigh 119 pounds." 3838 "Did you look in my purse?" 3839 "And I know why you and Daddy divorced." 3840 "You *do*?" 3841 "Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!" 3842% 3843A woman is like a dresser... some man always goin' through her drawers. 3844 -- Blind Lemon Pledge 3845% 3846A woman is like your shadow; follow her, 3847she flies; fly from her, she follows. 3848 -- Chamfort 3849% 3850A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive 3851little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid. 3852 -- Adolf Hitler 3853% 3854A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. 3855It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure. 3856 -- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel" 3857% 3858A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times 3859over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of 3860pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door. 3861 -- Stendhal 3862% 3863A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments. 3864 -- Herodotus 3865% 3866A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social 3867pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate 3868woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without 3869love, without virtue, without sex. 3870 -- Balzac 3871% 3872A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot. 3873 -- Pancho Villa 3874% 3875A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 3876 -- Gloria Steinem 3877% 3878A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 3879Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish. 3880% 3881A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long 3882as he can. 3883 -- Moms Mabley 3884% 3885A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have 3886sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite 3887off his penis. 3888 The years go by, and the boy finally marries. After a rather 3889uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he 3890tell her why he won't make love to her. 3891 "Well, honey," he replies. "You have... teeth... down there." 3892 "What!?" she replies unbelievingly. "No I don't! Honest, darling, 3893come here and look for yourself." 3894 The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly. 3895 "There!" his wife says triumphantly. "Now do you believe me?" 3896 "Yes," replied her husband. "And your gums are in *terrible* 3897condition." 3898% 3899A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade... 3900She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, 3901three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend. 3902% 3903A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve 3904himself. When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis 3905he has ever seen. As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member 3906of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him 3907if he is indeed a real leprechaun. 3908 The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can 3909grant you three wishes." 3910 "Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?" 3911 "Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the 3912ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes 3913if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come." The man is a bit taken 3914aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless. After 3915the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away. 3916 The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" 3917 Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?" 3918 "25." 3919 "Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?" 3920% 3921A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her 3922daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from 3923a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought 3924out the little girl as she played in the park. "Are you the little girl 3925who uses bad words?" 3926 "Who told you?" 3927 "A little bird," answered the mother. 3928 "Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl. "And I've been 3929feeding the little bastards, too!" 3930% 3931A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition 3932as to who was the best practical joker. When she announced her marriage, 3933like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would 3934be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best. The brother who was a 3935carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes. The brother who 3936worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour. Finally, 3937the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately. 3938A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each 3939received a telegram from their sister. It read: 3940 3941 I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it. I was amused 3942 when the shower went cold five minutes after it started. But I'm 3943 going to kill whoever put the novicaine into the KY jelly... 3944% 3945A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive. 3946% 3947Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy, 3948The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper, 3949 Her figurehead They filled his ass, 3950 A whore in bed, With broken glass, 3951Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcized the skipper. 3952 3953The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel, 3954And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able, 3955 Once round the deck, They nailed her tits, 3956 Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits, 3957And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table. 3958 3959The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy, 3960And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy, 3961 When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock, 3962 And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock, 3963Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy! 3964% 3965AC/DC is a rock band. 3966 -- Bisexuality, 101 3967% 3968Achilles' Biological Findings: 3969 (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. 3970 If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment. 3971 (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first 3972 -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster. 3973% 3974Adam's Law: 3975 (1) Women don't know what they want; 3976 they don't like what they have got. 3977 (2) Men know very well what they want; 3978 having got it, they begin to lose interest. 3979% 3980Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex, 3981and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it... 3982% 3983Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages -- 3984such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches. 3985% 3986ADULTERY: 3987 Putting yourself in someone else's position. 3988% 3989Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on. 3990 -- Mary Wells, advertising executive 3991% 3992After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple 3993are back at his place tearing their clothes off. Things are really 3994starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically 3995rummaging through a dresser drawer. 3996 "What are you doing?" she asks. 3997 "Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber." 3998% 3999After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little 4000bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making 4001love to men?" 4002 "That's MY business," she snapped. 4003 "Ah," he said. "A professional." 4004% 4005After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond, 4006attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite. They chatted 4007for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling 4008and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they 4009were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established 4010a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The 4011girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good. 4012 "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could 4013be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes. 4014 "Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl 4015like you doing in a hotel like this?" 4016 "Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips." 4017% 4018After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? 4019% 4020After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested 4021in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically. In desperation, Joan 4022hauled him to a marriage couselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints 4023and Max's protestations. Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully 4024to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to 4025become less physical. Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had 4026needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill. Finally, 4027the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a 4028little for a marriage to work. From now on, no matter how you feel at the 4029time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually. And, 4030remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your 4031wife are a partnership of love." Joan was delighted, and floated out of the 4032counselor's offices. On the way downstairs, she nudged Max. 4033 "So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?" 4034% 4035After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded 4036bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on 4037his way to see his wife. Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked 4038on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it. "Where the hell have 4039you been?" she blared. "You busted out more than six hours ago!" 4040% 4041After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening, 4042the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted 4043indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'." 4044 "Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can start making some 4045progress." 4046% 4047After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously 4048embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him. 4049 "N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist." 4050 "I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully. 4051 "Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave. 4052 "Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this 4053drugstore for nearly ten years. There is nothing you can tell us that will 4054embarrass us. 4055 "Well, all right," he said. "I have this awful sexual hunger that 4056nothing will appease. No matter how many times I make love, I still want to 4057make love again and again. Is there anything you can give me for it?" 4058 "Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my 4059sister." 4060 A few minutes later, she returned. "The best we can do," she said, 4061"is room and board and a half-interest in the business." 4062% 4063After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying 4064to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent. 4065 "You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other 4066to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine." 4067 "So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to 4068find one at three in the morning?" 4069% 4070After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that 4071brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." 4072 -- Ronnie Shakes 4073% 4074After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body. 4075 -- Joan Rivers 4076% 4077Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over. 4078% 4079AI hackers do it robotically. 4080% 4081AI hackers do it with robots. 4082% 4083Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job. 4084 -- Bobcat Goldthwait 4085% 4086Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor. 4087 4088Q: You know how to figure out if your lover's been "invovlved"? 4089A: Antler marks on their hips. 4090% 4091Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, 4092the third is routine. After that you just take the girl's clothes off. 4093 -- Raymond Chandler 4094% 4095Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name. 4096% 4097Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his 4098daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly. 4099 "What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex. 4100 "Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose. 4101 "That's nonsense," said the father. "Why do you say that?" 4102 "Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God; 4103so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was 4104screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her 4105down." 4106% 4107"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains 4108the popularity of this field of study in computer science. 4109% 4110alimony, n: 4111 Having an ex you can bank on. 4112% 4113All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, 4114a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift. 4115% 4116All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell 4117them apart. 4118% 4119All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet. 4120% 4121All I want is a girl made of wood, 4122With fine-grained hair and carven knee. 4123She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke, 4124Oh, wooden tit be loverly? 4125 -- Pinocchio 4126% 4127All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a 4128penis or a vagina. 4129 -- Florynce Kennedy 4130 4131There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis 4132or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. 4133 -- Gloria Steinem 4134% 4135All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most 4136injurious things against him, but we never hear his side. 4137 -- Mark Twain 4138% 4139All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance, 4140And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake, 4141And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie, 4142And the lie they tell, is enough to go to 4143Hello, operator, give me number nine, 4144If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the 4145Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass, 4146If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the 4147Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies, 4148This is what Lulu told me, just before she died. 4149She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim, 4150She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim. 4151He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top, 4152Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot. 4153 -- Princess 4154% 4155All things dull and ugly, Each little snake that poisons, 4156All creatures short and squat, Each little wasp that stings, 4157All things rude and nasty, He made their brutish venom, 4158The Lord God made the lot; He made their horrid wings. 4159 4160All things sick and cancerous, Each nasty little hornet, 4161All evil great and small, Each beastly little squid. 4162All things foul and dangerous, Who made the spikey urchin? 4163The Lord God made them all. Who made the sharks? He did. 4164 4165All things scabbed and ulcerous, 4166All pox both great and small. 4167Putrid, foul and gangrenous, 4168The Lord God made them all. 4169 -- Monty Python 4170% 4171All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar 4172crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying 4173part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago 4174there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more 4175important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make 4176president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody 4177believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs 4178the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for 4179a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not 4180going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his 4181home stationery carries the company emblem. Take away crime from the white 4182collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest. 4183 -- J. Feiffer 4184% 4185All work and no pay makes a housewife. 4186% 4187Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every 4188subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted 4189to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning 4190must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests. It is the 4191essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is 4192sacrilegious and perverse. The characteristic of religion, from their point 4193of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed, 4194not generall known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested 4195in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion 4196is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists, 4197there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion 4198in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics where the method 4199of free inquiry has made its way. The "religious" would be the last to be 4200willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught 4201in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely 4202a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must 4203protest against its being taught in any other spirit. 4204 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 4205% 4206Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most 4207of Erin's natives. He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously 4208appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English. Due to his 4209proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his 4210superiors were not infrequent. He would blame anything evil or merely 4211inconvenient on the English people. If there was an act of terrorism, the 4212responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits. If there was a 4213natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to 4214the fact, if not outrightly culpable. Repeatedly, his superiors called him 4215on the carpet for his behavior. After a particularly vituperative 4216anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight 4217to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars. Summing 4218up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next 4219week is Saint Patrick's Day. If you so much as *mention* the British, it's 4220your last sermon!" 4221 4222The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of 4223Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by 4224Christ and His disciples. "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale. 4225You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one 4226among them would betray Him. As He looked around the table, He stopped at 4227Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!' He looked at Thomas, who doubted, 4228and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!' Then the Lord looked long 4229and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't 4230main may!'" 4231% 4232Always talk to your wife while you're 4233making love... if there's a phone handy. 4234% 4235ambition, n: 4236 An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind. 4237% 4238America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman 4239with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing 4240anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable. 4241 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign 4242 Trail" 4243% 4244America cannot be sold a can of beer without 4245being offered a piece of pussy along with it. 4246 -- Julius Lester 4247% 4248America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel. 4249 -- Allen Ginsberg 4250% 4251American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise 4252is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it. Consequently, 4253any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations 4254in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners. She is not required to know how 4255to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her 4256husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him 4257help, she's bound to cause trouble. Therefore, you'd think that colleges 4258which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young 4259men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this 4260continent would teach the girls to read maps. None do. They teach a hundred 4261other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the 4262greatest friction. 4263 -- James Michener, "Space" 4264% 4265America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing. 4266 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 4267% 4268An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches. 4269% 4270An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about 4271the happiness of life. 4272 "To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful 4273dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night 4274Football," the American said. 4275 "You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing 4276a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a 4277romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower. That is happiness of life." 4278 "You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you 4279two still don't understand life at all. Imagine this. You are sleeping 4280soundly at night in Saigon. Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front 4281door. You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'. Quaking 4282with fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret 4283policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van 4284Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are 4285being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!' Sweating profusely and 4286shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh 4287lives next door.' That moment is happiness in life, my friends. 4288% 4289An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an 4290exclusive men's club. Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the 4291only other man in the lounge and tried to strike up a conversation. "Care 4292for a cigar?" he asked. 4293 "No, thank you," the Englishman replied. "I tried smoking once and 4294didn't like it." 4295 "Would you care to join me in the bar for a drink, then?" the 4296businessman asked. 4297 "No, thank you. I tried drinking once and it didn't agree with me." 4298 "Well, how about a game of billiards?" 4299 "Sorry. I tried it once and couldn't seem to get the hang of it." 4300 As the American started to turn away, the Englishman said, "But my 4301son will be here shortly, and I'm sure he would enjoy a game with you." 4302 "Your son? An only child, I presume." 4303% 4304An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife 4305dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the 4306visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All 4307arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black 4308hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a 4309"chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store open late. 4310 First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur, 4311ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?" 4312 The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our 4313friend directions. The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy 4314and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our 4315hero. He speaks first: 4316 "M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir." 4317 "Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des 4318capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un 4319capeau noir?" 4320 "Ma femme est morte." 4321 "O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!" 4322% 4323An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place 4324is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception 4325of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman. He very politely asks her 4326if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he 4327got a quick bite to eat. 4328 "I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies. "Little 4329Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!" 4330 Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of 4331an open window and takes the seat. 4332 An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the 4333American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand 4334you Americans. You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the 4335street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!" 4336% 4337An angst-ridden amorist, Fred, 4338Saw sartorial changes ahead. 4339 His mind kept on ringing 4340 With fishy girls singing; 4341Soft fruit also filled him with dread. 4342 -- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock" 4343% 4344An Army travels on her stomach. 4345% 4346An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized 4347logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have 4348been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization. 4349 -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia 4350% 4351An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's 4352chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the 4353Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone 4354who has seen the Managing Director face on). 4355 -- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout" 4356% 4357And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgement of God 4358upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of 4359criminal at the bar of justice. 4360 -- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer 4361% 4362...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and 4363the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time? Oh, sure, everybody 4364talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder... 4365% 4366And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side, 4367he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap. He peered avidly at 4368me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose. "Oh, 4369the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to 4370suck her." Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth, 4371not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even 4372lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the 4373other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which 4374redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily. But ask me for 4375no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether 4376because he did nothing, or becaues he did it all in his drawers, there was 4377nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous 4378lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy, 4379and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge. All my clothes 4380were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this 4381old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most repectable 4382and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything 4383lewd in it at all. 4384 -- Marquis de Sade 4385% 4386And let me the canakin clink, clink; 4387and let me the canakin clink. 4388 A soldier's a man; 4389 O, man's life's but a span, 4390Why then, let a soldier drink. 4391% 4392And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax. 4393... a brief pause, and then Bing! 4394% 4395And on the third day, Christ arose, pushed aside the rock that had served 4396as the tomb door, and walked again on the earth. 4397 And as he departed, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left 4398open. "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?" 4399% 4400And prively he caughte hire by the queynte, 4401And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones. 4402 --Geoffrey Chaucer, The Miller's Tale 4403% 4404And so it goes. It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become 4405victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the 4406freight yard, crossing all the railroad tracks until a switch engine nipped 4407off the end of his tail between wheel and rail. The little dog yelped, and 4408he spun so quickly to check himself out that the next wheel chopped through 4409his little brown neck. The moral is, of course, never lose your head over 4410a piece of tail. 4411 -- John D. MacDonald, "The Scarlet Ruse" 4412% 4413And the northern lights commenced to glow. 4414And she said, with a tear in her eye, 4415"Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow." 4416 -- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper" 4417% 4418And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought 4419he was melting... 4420% 4421"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came 4422upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and smiled at her 4423companion. 4424 "See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!" 4425% 4426Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out 4427photographs of their families every year. In the same mail that brought the 4428greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece. 4429"My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed. I don't know why women want to 4430record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought 4431upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but 4432between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are 4433family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little 4434signs of dissolution or derangement. Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid, 4435than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control 4436of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously 4437drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear. 4438Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking 4439"young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a 4440couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle 4441a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply. "Good Lord!" the wife will say. 4442"Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?" "Not to me," the 4443husband may reply. "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is 4444being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir 4445singer." 4446 -- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas" 4447% 4448Another nun joke!!! 4449 You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly 4450this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat, 4451exposing his all to the sisters. Well, two of the nuns had strokes right 4452there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it. 4453% 4454Another stupid gay joke!!! 4455 You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry 4456daquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't 4457serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come 4458in and kick your ass?" 4459 The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo 4460thurstay...." 4461 Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer 4462on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon 4463as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the 4464bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could 4465lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!" 4466 From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!" 4467% 4468anxiety, n: 4469 The first time you can't do it a second time. 4470 4471panic, n: 4472 The second time you can't do it the first time. 4473% 4474Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through 4475his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high. 4476% 4477Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her. 4478% 4479Anything more than three shakes is for fun. 4480% 4481APL hackers take all they want. 4482% 4483Apple owners do it with mice! 4484% 4485APPOINTMENT BOOK: 4486 The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired 4487 invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is 4488 December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell 4489 it was you did during the past year. 4490% 4491Are there those in the land of the brave 4492Who can tell me how I should behave 4493 When I am disgraced 4494 Because I erased 4495 A file I intended to save? 4496% 4497ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19) 4498 Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those 4499 who do. You have warts. Focus on domestic status, financial matters, 4500 and venereal disease. Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius 4501 natives; probably a fistfight with one of each. 4502% 4503Arkansas: 4504 Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared. 4505% 4506As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; 4507and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to 4508be childless. 4509 4510The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, 4511doubtless, a separation. 4512 -- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763 4513% 4514As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that 4515sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it 4516was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed. 4517% 4518As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me. 4519% 4520As my dear autie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex 4521makes the ride fun." 4522% 4523As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier 4524than the average asshole on the street. 4525 -- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" 4526% 4527As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices 4528within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by 4529sex." 4530 One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we 4531know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria. We do, however, 4532have two alcoholics." 4533% 4534As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept 4535saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with 4536one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, 4537you're a veterinarian." 4538% 4539As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will 4540have to consider the possibility of a gay pope. Possibly the largest 4541issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just 4542simply marvelous." 4543% 4544As the recent sightings of bumper stickers reading "IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS 4545VEHICLE WILL BE UNMANNED" have created a great deal of confusion, Fortune 4546offers the following excerpts from the 1989 printing of the State of Maryland 4547Driver's Handbook: 4548 If you notice a glorious light in the sky, a sound as of an infinite 4549choir of unearthly voices, and a host of winged beings descending from the 4550heavens, do not panic. If you are on the freeway, move to the shoulder as 4551soon as it is safe to do so, activate your hazard blinkers, and wait for the 4552end of the world. If you are Saved, it is especially important that you do 4553this BEFORE you are carried to your Eternal Reward, in order that your vehicle 4554not become a hazard to others. Remember, Rapture is the number one cause of 4555automobile accidents during major spiritual upheavals. You may experience a 4556feeling of discorporation ("being pulled from one's body") while driving. To 4557ensure the safety of your passengers and other drivers, move to the shoulder 4558as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms: 4559 -- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness. 4560 -- Visions of the faces of deceased family members. 4561 -- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of 4562white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintainance officers, 4563who wear dark blue and safety orange.) 4564 Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings. If still in 4565your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive 4566you to a hospital at once. If you find yourself in the Kingdom of God, consult 4567the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations. 4568% 4569As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two 4570figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew 4571his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking, 4572oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three 4573inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You 4574could have been killed!" 4575 The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was 4576coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with 4577brakes." 4578% 4579As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch." 4580% 4581Ask your boss to reconsider -- 4582It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer. 4583% 4584Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old 4585woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it, 4586she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds." 4587 -- David Letterman 4588% 4589ASS: 4590 The masculine of "lass". 4591% 4592Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free! 4593% 4594Assassins do it from behind. 4595% 4596At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that 4597it's necessary to take her temperature rectally. She agrees and bends over 4598the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's 4599NOT my rectum!" 4600 "Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!" 4601 Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the 4602room. "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands. 4603 "I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies. 4604 "Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel 4605off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have 4606numbers on it!" 4607% 4608At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced. 4609The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists. First things first: it went 4610to the institute of Marxism-Leninism. 4611 4612"IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the 4613 theologians. 4614"YES," replied the computer. "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY 4615 SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY." 4616% 4617At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the 4618decent men in public life. 4619 -- Renata Adler 4620% 4621Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times. 4622% 4623Australia's a lovely land 4624It's full of bonza blokes, 4625Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer 4626Except in Pommie jokes. 4627 4628Australians are lovely chaps 4629They're God's own chosen race. 4630If they ever see a fairy Pom 4631They'll smash him in the face. 4632 4633Australians like dressing up 4634In skirts and having fun 4635And that's all we were doing 4636When the Vice Squad came along. 4637 -- Monty Python 4638% 4639A-Z affectionately, 46401 to 10 alphabetically, 4641from here to eternity without in betweens, 4642still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world, 4643sales talk from sales assistants 4644 when all i want to do is lower your resistance, 4645no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums, 4646love's on arrival, 4647she comes when she comes, 4648right on the target but wide of the mark... 4649% 4650B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14 4651% 4652Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect. 4653 -- Nicolas Chamfort 4654% 4655Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was 4656popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- 4657blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from 4658back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker 4659kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll 4660give you $10 for a blow job." 4661 The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and 4662killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank 4663you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!" 4664 Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! 4665No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!" 4666% 4667Balls Law: 4668 The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat 4669 of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant. 4670% 4671BALTIMORE: 4672 Where the women wear turtleneck 4673 sweators to hide their flea collars. 4674% 4675Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). 4676% 4677Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed. 4678Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed. 4679Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, 4680Unless you get a good percentage of her price. 4681 -- Tom Lehrer 4682% 4683BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!! 4684% 4685Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks! 4686% 4687Beauty, n: 4688 The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. 4689 -- Ambrose Bierce 4690% 4691Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another. 4692% 4693Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or 4694repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is 4695more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we 4696get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging 4697bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we 4698love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor 4699too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community 4700care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're 4701aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and 4702if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're 4703unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but 4704men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're 4705made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons 4706we are part of the women's liberation movement. 4707% 4708Bedfellows make strange politicians. 4709% 4710beef stroganoff, n: 4711 A bull masturbating. 4712% 4713"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to 4714confess some affairs that I've had in the past." 4715 "But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man 4716replied. 4717 "Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago." 4718% 4719Beifeld's Principle: 4720 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive 4721 young female increases by pyramidical progression when he 4722 is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a 4723 better-looking and richer male friend. 4724 -- R. Beifeld 4725% 4726Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. 4727To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football. 4728 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 4729% 4730Bend over and take it like a man! 4731% 4732Beneath this stone a virgin lies, 4733For her life held no terrors. 4734A virgin born, a virgin died: 4735No hits, no runs, no errors. 4736% 4737Beneath this stone lies Murphy, 4738They buried him today, 4739He lived the life of Riley, 4740While Riley was away. 4741% 4742Benny Hill: Would you like a peanut? 4743Girl: No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation. 4744Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut. 4745 It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something. 4746% 4747Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda. 4748% 4749BETTER LATE THAN NEVER: 4750 The single girl's motto. 4751% 4752Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. 4753 -- Mae West 4754% 4755Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose. 4756% 4757Bi now, gay later! 4758% 4759Big Toe: The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva 4760generally is a magnificent erotic instrument. The famous gentleman in erotic 4761prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands, 4762and both big toes. Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time 4763you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits. Make sure the nail 4764isn't sharp. In a restuarant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously 4765remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm 4766with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact-- 4767A party trick which really rates as advanced sex. She has less scope, but 4768can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes. The toes are definitely 4769erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating 4770results. 4771 -- The Joy of Sex 4772 [Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.] 4773% 4774Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they 4775discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women 4776can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she 4777don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!" 4778% 4779Birth, copulation and death. 4780That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks; 4781Birth, copulation and death. 4782 -- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes" 4783% 4784Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. 4785 -- Woody Allen 4786% 4787Bitch, bitch, bitch -- 4788That's all I ever hear, 4789Ever since the dog ate the baby, 4790"Get rida the dog, get rida the dog." 4791% 4792Blow it out your ass! 4793% 4794Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain 4795sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has it that St. 4796Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk 4797driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them. 4798% 4799BOHICA: 4800 Bend over, here it comes again. 4801% 4802Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up 4803your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm. It's 4804one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting 4805but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual 4806feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression -- 4807something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more 4808because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a 4809mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive 4810self to try it. 4811 -- The Joy of Sex 4812% 4813Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous 4814Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years. 4815% 4816Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot. 4817% 4818Breakfast sometime? 4819 Sure. 4820Shall I call you or just nudge you? 4821% 4822Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh 4823Held venal traffic with a gnu. 4824Mistaking fore for aft one morn 4825Impaled herself upon its horn. 4826 4827Moral: Those who seek high ends should shun 4828 our furred and feathered friends. 4829% 4830Brigands will demand your money or 4831your life, but a woman will demand both. 4832 -- Samuel Butler 4833% 4834Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting. 4835% 4836Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each... 4837[reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing 4838 -- NY Times 4839% 4840Brother Jim's recent appearance on the William and Mary campus this past 4841week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science 4842students. A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined, 4843with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of 4844the small Gideon bibles. The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected 4845to provide up to 2,000 PSIG. Prelimary estimates during field testing 4846revealed a muzzle velocity of approximarly 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting 4847the tube. Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to 4848campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on 4849Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in 4850addition to the usual humiliation. 4851% 4852brunette bush, n: 4853 The dark side of the moon. 4854% 4855bug, n: 4856 A son of a glitch. 4857% 4858Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee 4859Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait. 4860The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about 4861cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with 4862tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped. 4863 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" 4864% 4865"But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?" 4866 -- Anonymous med school student. 4867% 4868But they'll never mechanize me -- not me! 4869Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot. 4870 -- S.I. Hayakawa 4871% 4872But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. 4873 -- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson 4874% 4875Buy old masters. They fetch better prices than old mistresses. 4876 -- Lord Beaverbrook 4877% 4878By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you 4879get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 4880 -- Socrates 4881% 4882CAD: 4883 A man who doesn't tell his wife 4884 that he's sterile until she's pregnant. 4885% 4886CALIFORNIA: 4887 From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or 4888 Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or 4889 "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." 4890 -- Ed Moran, Covina, California 4891% 4892Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus... 4893% 4894callgirl, n: 4895 A negotiable blond. 4896% 4897Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. 4898 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 4899% 4900Camille's Axiom: 4901 If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did 4902 I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching. 4903% 4904Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women. 4905 -- From the movie "Outrageous" 4906% 4907CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 4908 You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. 4909 They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. 4910 That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare 4911 recipients are Cancer people. 4912% 4913Candy 4914Is dandy 4915But liquor 4916Is quicker. 4917 -- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" 4918 4919Fortune updates the great quotes: #53. 4920 Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker, 4921 and sex won't rot your teeth. 4922% 4923Captain Hook died of jock itch. 4924% 4925"Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty," 4926the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his 4927client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is 4928a hole in the ground." 4929% 4930Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years. Now when 4931Communion is served there is also a salad bar. 4932 -- Bill Marr 4933% 4934Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin, This book is dedicated to Chagrin, 4935Qui fit un petit mannequin: Who fashioned a small doll: 4936 Sans bras et tout noir, Without arms and all black, 4937 Il etait affreux voir; It was horrible sight; 4938En effet, absolument la fin. In effect, the absolute end. 4939 -- Edward Gorey 4940% 4941Chaste makes waste. 4942% 4943Chastity: 4944 The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. 4945 -- Aldous Huxley 4946% 4947CHASTITY BELT: 4948 An anti-trust suit. 4949 4950 (And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.) 4951% 4952Chastity is its own punishment. 4953% 4954Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget 4955bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on on every neighborhood block. 4956I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side. 4957It was dark and empty, which suited my mood. A fat, stubble-bearded, 4958middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a 4959beer. He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head 4960to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown. After a silence, I said, "Been to 4961a wedding?" 4962 He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh... 4963yeah." 4964 He silently finished his drink and left. The bartender said, "You 4965know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows." 4966% 4967Chipmunks roasting on an open fire 4968Jack Frost ripping up your nose 4969Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire 4970And folks dressed up like buffaloes 4971Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow 4972Helps to make the season right 4973Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out 4974Will find it hard to see tonight 4975They know that Santa's on his way 4976He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh 4977And every mother's child is sure to spy 4978To see if reindeer really scream when they die 4979And so I'm offering this simple phrase 4980To kids from one to ninety two 4981Although it's been said many times, many ways 4982Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!! 4983% 4984Chorus: 4985 I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war, 4986 I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground, 4987 And livin' off the favors of a 'igh-born lady. 4988 I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole, 4989 I don't want me pecker blown away, 4990 I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England, 4991 And fornicate me bloody life away!! 4992 4993Monday I touched her on the ankle, 4994Tuesday I touched her on the knee, 4995And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress, 4996And Thursday I saw you know what, 4997Friday I put me 'and upon it, 4998Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak] 4999And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er, 5000And now she pays me forty quid a week! 5001Oh, blimey... 5002 5003[chorus] 5004% 5005CHRIST: 5006 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. 5007% 5008Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not 5009committing them? 5010 -- Jules Feiffer 5011% 5012CHRISTIAN: 5013 One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired 5014 book, admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. 5015 -- Ambrose Bierce 5016% 5017CHRISTIAN: 5018 One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far 5019 as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. 5020% 5021Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really. Growing up in 5022a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God. 5023In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents. 5024% 5025CHRISTMAS: 5026 A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry 5027 salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best 5028 response time of the entire year. 5029% 5030CHRISTMAS: 5031 A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most 5032 deeply and sincerely believe in. Money. At the mall of our 5033 choice. 5034% 5035Christmas comes but once a year, 5036A time for love and laughter; 5037You can come much more than that, 5038But you have to clean up after. 5039% 5040Cinderella 10: 5041 A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and 5042 then turns into a pizza and a six-pack. 5043% 5044Clark Kent is a transvestite. 5045% 5046Clarke's Third Law: 5047 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from 5048 magic. 5049 5050G's Third Law: 5051 In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe 5052 is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. 5053 5054H's Dictum: 5055 There is no magic ... 5056% 5057Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, 5058and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary. 5059 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 5060% 5061Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead. 5062% 5063clitoris, n: 5064 A haired trigger. 5065% 5066CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) 5067 5068Oh, give me a clone 5069Of my own flesh and bone 5070 With the Y chromosome changed to X. 5071And when she is grown, 5072My very own clone, 5073 We'll be of the opposite sex. 5074Chorus: 5075 Clone, clone of my own, 5076 With the Y chromosome changed to X. 5077 And when we're alone, 5078 Since her mind is my own, 5079 She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. 5080 -- Randall Garrett 5081% 5082Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!! 5083% 5084COCAINE: 5085 The thinking man's Dristan. 5086% 5087Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. 5088% 5089Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money. 5090% 5091Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years. 5092 -- Tallulah Bankhead 5093% 5094Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today. 5095% 5096Cocaine's a joke! 5097 (Who's got the next line?) 5098% 5099cock-sucker, n: 5100 Someone who got caught doing what you got away with. 5101% 5102Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat. 5103What's next? Bridal suites with bunk beds? 5104 -- Orben's Current Comedy 5105% 5106Coito ergo sum 5107% 5108coitus interruptus, n: 5109 A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner) 5110 "I want to have your child." 5111% 5112Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together. Live as 5113ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to 5114endure marriage. But she? 5115 -- Franz Kafka 5116% 5117Coitus upon a cadaver 5118Is the ultimate way you can have 'er. 5119 Her inanimate state 5120 Means a man needn't wait, 5121And eliminates all the palaver. 5122% 5123COLD: 5124 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. 5125% 5126cold, adj: 5127 When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant. 5128% 5129College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, 5130and nine months later you wish you'd never come. 5131% 5132Come along and sing a song and join our family. 5133B & D 5134S & M 5135Post to A.S.B.! 5136Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT. 5137B & D 5138S & M 5139Post to A.S.B.! 5140A.S.B.! 5141 (A.S.B.!) 5142A.S.B.! 5143 (A.S.B.!) 5144Come on now, let's try another tie! 5145 (Tie! Tie! Tie!) 5146All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC. 5147B & D 5148S & M 5149Post on A.S.B.! 5150 -- To the Mickey Mouse March 5151% 5152Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait! 5153Catholic girls start much too late, 5154Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate, 5155I might as well be the one. 5156Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray, 5157Built you a temple and locked you away, 5158Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid, 5159The things that you might have done. 5160So come on, Virginia, show me a sign, 5161Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line, 5162That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind, 5163Never lets in the sun. 5164Darling, only the good die young! 5165 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" 5166% 5167Come up and see me sometime. Come Wednesday, that's amateur night. 5168 -- Mae West 5169% 5170COMMENT: 5171 A superfluous element of a source program included so the 5172 programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing 5173 six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according 5174 to those who think they aren't. 5175% 5176Communists do it without class. 5177% 5178Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion. 5179% 5180computerfirm nymphomaniac, n: 5181 Hot Apple pie. 5182% 5183Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. 5184 5185 [Taking a shower in raincoat? Ed.] 5186% 5187Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphrams. 5188 -- Robin Williams 5189% 5190Confucious say: 5191 man who lay girl on hill, not on level. 5192 man who pull out too fast leave rubber. 5193 man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand. 5194 modern house without toilet uncanny. 5195 man with athletic finger make broad jump 5196 woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before 5197 they shoot. 5198 man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling. 5199 woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit. 5200 child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission 5201 turn out to be shiftless bastard. 5202 a smart man knows on which side his broad is better. 5203 man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch! 5204% 5205Confucious say: 5206 man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead. 5207 man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs. 5208 man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy. 5209 boy who play with himself pulls boner. 5210 woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary. 5211 man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down. 5212 man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet. 5213 man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day. 5214 man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car, 5215 get exhausted. 5216% 5217Confucious say: 5218 woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house. 5219 woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring 5220 next spring. 5221 man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face. 5222 passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly. 5223 man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag. 5224 man who suck nipples make clean breast of things. 5225 woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine. 5226 woman's irginity like balloon, one prick and all gone. 5227 Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best. 5228 squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts. 5229 eplileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one. 5230 seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak. 5231% 5232Confucious say: 5233 woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town. 5234 fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs. 5235 woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up. 5236 man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement. 5237 man who make love on ground have piece on Earth. 5238 man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key. 5239 man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night. 5240 man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied. 5241 man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life. 5242 man who streak unsuited for work. 5243 woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss. 5244 man who beat off in car have hot rod. 5245% 5246CONFUSION: 5247 One woman plus one left turn. 5248EXCITEMENT: 5249 Two women plus one secret. 5250BEDLAM: 5251 Three women plus one bargain. 5252CHAOS: 5253 Four women plus one luncheon check. 5254% 5255confusion, n: 5256 Father's Day in San Francisco. 5257% 5258CONSULTANT: 5259 Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date. 5260% 5261continental breakfast, n: 5262 A roll in bed with some honey. 5263% 5264Coors, n: 5265 Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water. 5266% 5267Copa-ulation: 5268(to the tune of Copacabana) 5269 5270Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair, 5271She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go, 5272And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar, 5273And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come, 5274His favorite drink is cream in coffee, 5275Won't you order one? 5276 5277At the Copa, Copa-ulation ... 5278 5279Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl, 5280But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow, 5281Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown, 5282She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind, 5283But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings, 5284But a real good time ... 5285% 5286Couples in motion have moments. 5287% 5288courage, n: 5289 Two cannibals having oral sex. 5290% 5291Cover your stump before you hump. 5292Before you attack her, wrap your wacker. 5293Don't be silly... protect your Willie. 5294Wrap it in foil before checking her oil. 5295If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it. 5296 -- National Condom Week 5297% 5298Cox's philosophy: 5299 Life's a bitch, then you die. 5300% 5301coyote love, n: 5302 Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is 5303 the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles 5304 bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping 5305 on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you 5306 chew off your arm at the shoulder. 5307 5308coyote ugly, adj: 5309 When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for 5310 a one-armed man! 5311% 5312coyote love, n: 5313 Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is 5314 the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles 5315 bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping 5316 on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you 5317 chew off your arm at the shoulder. 5318 5319coyote ugly, adj: 5320 When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for 5321 a one-armed man! 5322 5323See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically 5324as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call. 5325% 5326"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple 5327and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and 5328because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be 5329more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our 5330entire intellectualy heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing 5331honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment 5332to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any 5333general understanding of science as an enterprise? 5334 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer" 5335% 5336crew, n: 5337 Eight big men and their cute little cox. 5338% 5339Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at? 5340I know - you don't have to say that! 5341 All you guys want of me 5342 Is a poke where I pee, 5343And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!" 5344% 5345Crinklaw's Observation: 5346 Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed, 5347 marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence. 5348% 5349Cum Hilde autem ambulabat 5350Homo qui aedificabat. 5351 Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat. 5352 Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat. 5353Sed virginem pine necebat. 5354% 5355Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness. 5356% 5357Curiousity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back. 5358% 5359Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text, 5360"what did you do during the sexual revolution?" 5361 "Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was 5362captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes." 5363% 5364Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true, 5365Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw? 5366I really must beg your pardon, 5367But I've got a hell of a hard-on, 5368From beating my meat, against the seat, 5369Of a bicycle built for two. 5370 -- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book" 5371% 5372Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead. 5373% 5374Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches 5375Got on with her grooms and her wenches: 5376 She went down on the gents, 5377 And pronged the girl's vents 5378With a clitoris reaching six inches. 5379% 5380Dames lie about anything -- just for practice. 5381 -- Raymond Chandler 5382% 5383Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? 5384FIRST you rape, THEN you pillage!! 5385% 5386Damned if I know. And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car 5387from Avis again. 5388 -- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an 5389 axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of his 5390 rented car. 5391 5392If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem. Don't lay it on 5393me. The old lady has to take care of her own weight. 5394 -- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being 5395 arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house. 5396 5397 At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time 5398stand-up guy. 5399 Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client. 5400He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong 5401path. Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison 5402sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted. 5403 Then the judge turned to Sperling. "Mr. Sperling, is there anything 5404you wish to say?" 5405 "Yes, Your Honor. If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've 5406got another think coming. You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers, 5407you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..." 5408 -- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game" 5409% 5410Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention. 5411% 5412Dave has an areoplane, 5413In which he likes to frisk. 5414Oh what a foolish boy, 5415His silly *. 5416% 5417David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather. 5418% 5419De Hispanice puella verumque 5420Simplex oris verborumque 5421 Tulit potens vagina 5422 Hominum agmina 5423Iterum iterum iterumque. 5424% 5425Dear Abby: 5426 I have two brothers. One was sent to the electric chair when I was 5427a child. My mother died in an insane asylum. My father is a pimp and my 5428sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute. My other brother 5429is a graduate student attending Purdue University. 5430 Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison 5431for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag. We're very 5432much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured. 5433 My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue? 5434 5435 Sincerely, 5436 Undecided. 5437% 5438Dear Abby: 5439 I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I 5440think she's the one for me. There's just one problem: I can't remember 5441from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD. What should I do? 5442 --Confused 5443 5444Dear Confused: 5445 If she coughs, fuck her. 5446% 5447Dear Ann Landers: 5448 I have a problem. I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois 5449Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death 5450in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when 5451I was three years old. My two sisters are prostitutes and my father 5452sells narcotics. 5453 I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where 5454she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love 5455this girl and want to marry her. My problem is this -- dare I tell her 5456about my brother who works for Illinois Bell? 5457 -- Confused. 5458% 5459Dear Ann Landers: 5460 My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims 5461one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to 5462know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something. 5463 -- E.J. Mayfield 5464% 5465Dear Lord, observe this bended knee 5466This visage meek and humble, 5467And hear this confidential plea 5468Voiced in reverent mumble: 5469 Give me Shylock, give me Fagin 5470 But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! 5471 -- Ansel Adams 5472% 5473Dear Miss Manners: 5474Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face. 5475 5476Gentle Reader: 5477Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face. 5478If the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic 5479discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief, 5480and go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth 5481along your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route. If, 5482however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more 5483intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your 5484pink tongue. 5485% 5486Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this 5487telegram was sent from a wife to her husband: 5488 "NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE." 5489% 5490Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely 5491housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice. 5492The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that 5493were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way. "They'll make 5494him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just 5495put one in whatever he's drinking." 5496 Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter 5497and dashed off to the supermarket. It didn't take long before the cat jumped 5498up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family 5499dog. And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking 5500they were aspirin. 5501 When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping 5502the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight 5503of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter. 5504"What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried. 5505 "See that mosquito?" he replied. 5506% 5507Dial 911. Make a cop come. 5508% 5509diaphragm, n: 5510 A childproof cap. 5511% 5512dicker, v: 5513 What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work. 5514% 5515Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America? 5516 -- Ed Sanders 5517% 5518Did you hear about... 5519 the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked? 5520% 5521Did you hear about... 5522 the plastic surgeon who hung himself? 5523% 5524Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother 5525her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't 5526ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that 5527she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again. The next 5528question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told 5529him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question 5530again. 5531 Some time later, she found him looking through her purse. Sharply 5532asking him what he was doing resulted in him beamingly telling her that he 5533had found the answers to all of his questions! 5534 "Mom", he said, "your driver's license says you're 34 years old, weigh 5535125 pounds, and you and Daddy probably divorced 'cause you got an 'F' in sex!" 5536% 5537Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot? 5538% 5539Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll? 5540You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand. 5541% 5542Did you hear about young Henry Lockett? 5543He was blown down the street by a rocket. 5544 The force of the blast 5545 Blew his balls up his ass, 5546And his pecker was found in his pocket. 5547% 5548Did you hear they cancelled Easter this year? 5549Found the body. 5550% 5551Did you know that some people your age have sex 5552thirty-seven times in a week? And die immediately after? 5553% 5554Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"? 5555% 5556Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.? 5557% 5558Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same 5559room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach. Wild! 5560 -- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings 5561% 5562Disclaimer of the Week: 5563 Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers. 5564% 5565Disillusioned words like bullets bark, 5566As human gods aim for their mark, 5567Make everything from toy guns that spark 5568To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark. 5569It's easy to see without looking too far 5570That not much is really sacred. 5571% 5572Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled. 5573% 5574DIVE!!! DIVE!!! DIVE!!! 5575UP PERISCOPE!!! 5576 5577(Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.) 5578% 5579divorce, n: 5580 A change of wife. 5581% 5582Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? 5583% 5584Do married women make the best wives? 5585% 5586Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first 5587step. The second is justification of herself by accusation of you. 5588 -- DeGourmont 5589% 5590Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men, 5591For though the world stood up 5592And stopped the bastard, 5593The bitch that bore him is in heat again. 5594 -- Bertolt Brecht 5595% 5596Do something big -- fuck a giant. 5597% 5598"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist. 5599"Who else?" answered the patient. 5600% 5601Do you smoke after sex? 5602Why, do you know, I've never looked! 5603% 5604Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. 5605% 5606Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, 5607very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. 5608 -- Dick Brandon 5609% 5610Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit? Who needs him? 5611 -- `J', "The Sensuous Woman" 5612% 5613Does it rape elephants? 5614 -- Brent Byer 5615% 5616Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep. 5617It's easy, but it's not very satisfying. 5618% 5619Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men 5620are strange as hell. 5621 -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful" 5622% 5623Don't dip your wick in a WAC, 5624Don't ride the breast of a WAVE, 5625 Just sit in the sand 5626 And do it by hand, 5627And buy bonds with the money you save. 5628% 5629Don't forget to support the ERA apersonment. 5630% 5631Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals. Don't get the 5632idea that I'm knocking the American system. 5633 -- Al Capone 5634% 5635Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love. 5636 -- Woody Allen 5637% 5638Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love. 5639 -- Woody Allen 5640% 5641Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. 5642 -- Bo Diddley 5643% 5644Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!! 5645% 5646Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse. 5647% 5648Dope will get you through times of no money 5649better than money will get you through times of no dope! 5650 -- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers" 5651% 5652Down by the old model T, 5653Where she first showed it to me. 5654 It was furry and black, 5655 And she called it a crack, 5656But it looked like a manhole to me. 5657% 5658Draft beer, not boys! 5659% 5660Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking, 5661but you're dressed. It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing 5662exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that. 5663 -- Grace Slick 5664% 5665Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning. 5666% 5667Dull women have immaculate homes. 5668% 5669DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell 5670Built a world-circling pussy cartel, 5671 And by planned obsolescence, 5672 So controlled detumescence, 5673A poor man could not get a smell. 5674% 5675During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of 5676Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London, 5677Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people. "I 5678read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like 5679that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher 5680said as he stood on the gallows. It seems the poor fellow was approached by a 5681well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described 5682the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his 5683misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to 5684say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz 5685nuts.'" 5686 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon 5687% 5688dyke, n: 5689 A woman who kick-starts her vibrator. And rolls her own 5690 tampons. 5691% 5692Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror. 5693% 5694Dyslexics have more fnu. 5695% 5696DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE! 5697% 5698Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance. 5699% 5700Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling. 5701% 5702Eat shit and die a virgin! 5703% 5704Economists are still trying to figure out why the 5705girls with the least principle draw the most interest. 5706% 5707EE's do it without shorts. 5708% 5709Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump. 5710 -- Chinese Proverb 5711% 5712Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. 5713 -- Jackie Mason 5714% 5715Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: 5716 1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, 5717 and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot. 5718 2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. 5719 3) You won't find out later that your cucumber 5720 ...is married 5721 ...is on penicillin 5722 ...likes you -- but loves your brother! 5723 4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. 5724 5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet. 5725 6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy". 5726 7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. 5727 8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. 5728 9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. 5729 10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. 5730 11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. 5731% 5732embarrassment, n: 5733 Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap. 5734% 5735Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant 5736professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast 5737as a male schlemiel. 5738 -- Ewald Nyquist 5739% 5740Erogenous zone, n: 5741 The skin you touch to love. 5742% 5743Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz, 5744Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz. 5745 Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen, 5746 Ich hore Mann kommen." 5747"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz." 5748% 5749eternity, n: 5750 The length of time between when you come and he leaves. 5751% 5752Ethnologists up with the Sioux 5753Wired home for two punts, one canoe. 5754 The answer next day, 5755 Said, "Girls on the way, 5756But what the hell's a `panoe'?" 5757% 5758Evangelists do it with Him watching. 5759% 5760Even bytes get lonely for a little bit. 5761% 5762Evening hours "all clear" for romance! 5763(Tell mate you have to work late.) 5764% 5765Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you 5766wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? 5767 -- George Carlin 5768% 5769Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up? 5770Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for? 5771% 5772Every harlot was a virgin once. 5773 -- William Blake 5774% 5775Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start 5776closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive 5777like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume 5778and at least a pint of ether. 5779 -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 5780% 5781Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start 5782closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then 5783drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas. 5784 -- Hunter S. Thompson 5785% 5786Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start 5787closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and 5788then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas. 5789 -- Hunter S. Thompson 5790% 5791Everyone: "Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you, 5792 Amen!" 5793Bruce: "Another two! (Bottles opening.) Any questions?" 5794Bruce: "New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?" 5795Bruce: "Are you a Poofter?" 5796New-Bruce: "No!" 5797Bruce: "No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: 5798 Rule One!" 5799Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" 5800Bruce: "Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos 5801 in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?" 5802Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" 5803Bruce: "Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not 5804 drinking. Rule Five..." 5805Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" 5806Bruce: "Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six. Rule Seven..." 5807Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" 5808Bruce: "Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce. This 5809 here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a 5810 bottle, you can hold it in your hand. Amen! 5811 -- Monty Python 5812% 5813Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work. 5814Except for women. 5815% 5816Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus 5817Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer" 5818and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders". 5819% 5820Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans 5821are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority. 5822 Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by 5823cats. 5824 You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems. 5825 They're neat. 5826 They don't have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something 5827about it. 5828 They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon. 5829 They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer? 5830 What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty neglible. 5831It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to 5832do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world. 5833% 5834Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex. 5835 -- Ellyn Mustard 5836% 5837exotic dancer, n: 5838 A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time. 5839% 5840Exuberant Sue from Anjou 5841Found that fucking affected her hue. 5842 She presented to sight 5843 Nipples pink, bottom white; 5844But her asshole was purple and blue. 5845% 5846falsie salesman, n: 5847 Fuller bust man. 5848% 5849Famous last words: 5850 1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual. 5851 2: You and what army? 5852 3: Don't worry, I can handle it. 5853 4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't 5854 be a cop. 5855 5: I don't see how they make a profit 5856 out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth. 5857 6: We're just getting into semantics again. 5858 7: Everything's under control. 5859 8: He's an asshole! Don't try to "shush" me! 5860% 5861Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full 5862of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, 5863long windy ones, quick little merry cracks... 5864 -- James Joyce 5865% 5866Fed some caviar to my girlfriend 5867She was a virgin tried and true 5868Now my girlfriend needs no urgin' 5869There ain't nothin' she won't do! 5870 Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon - 5871 Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish. 5872 Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin' 5873 That's why caviar is my dish! 5874 5875Fed some caviar to my Grandpa 5876He was a man of ninety-three 5877Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma 5878He had chased her up a tree! 5879 (chorus) 5880% 5881felt tip, v: 5882 Past tense for a breast examination! 5883% 5884Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around. Who else would take a 5885flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught? 5886 -- Rita Rudner 5887% 5888female, n: 5889 Life support system for a pussy. 5890% 5891Feminism, n: 5892 A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that 5893 both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated. 5894% 5895Feminists just want the human race to be a tie. 5896% 5897Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of 5898women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their 5899handbags are full. 5900 -- Earl Wilson 5901% 5902Fie for shame, 5903you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, 5904libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!! 5905% 5906Fig Newton. 5907% 5908Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. 5909% 5910Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree, 5911Are powerful wardens upon chastity. 5912 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 5913% 5914Finally, a reporter got a chance to interview Tarzan. 5915 5916Reporter: Tarzan? Is that your first or last name? 5917Tarzan: Tarzan first name. 5918Reporter: Then, what's your whole name? 5919Tarzan: Tarzan of the Apes. 5920Reporter: And who is the woman with you? 5921Tarzan: That Jane. 5922Reporter: And what's Jane's whole name? 5923Tarzan: Cunt. 5924% 5925First you get down on your knees, Get in line in that processional, 5926Fiddle with your rosaries, Step into that small confessional, 5927Bow your head with great respect, There the guy who's got religion'll 5928And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Tell you if your sins' original. 5929Do whatever steps you want if If it is, try playin' it safer, 5930You have cleared them with the Pontiff, Drink the wine and chew the wafer, 5931Ev'rybody say his own Two, four, six eight, 5932Kyrie eleison, Time to transubstantiate! 5933Doin' the Vatican Rag. 5934 5935So get down upon your knees, Make a cross on your abdomen, 5936Fiddle with your rosaries, When in Rome do like a Roman, 5937Bow your head with great respect, Ave Maria, 5938And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Gee, it's good to see ya, 5939 Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag! 5940 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag" 5941% 5942Five-foot nine, eyes that shine 5943He was born in Palestine 5944Has anybody seen my Lord? 5945 5946He's so cool, he's so fine 5947Eat his bread and drink his wine 5948Has anybody seen my Lord? 5949 5950He's so neat, he's so cool, 5951Walks across my swimming pool. 5952Has anybody... 5953% 5954Flappity, floppity, flip 5955The mouse on the Mobius strip; 5956 The strip revolved, 5957 The mouse dissolved 5958In a chronodimensional skip. 5959% 5960Flirt, n: 5961 A girl whose favorite man is the next one. 5962% 5963Floating idly one day through the air, 5964A circus performer named Blair, 5965 Tied a sizeable rock, 5966 To the end of his cock, 5967And shattered a balcony chair. 5968% 5969Floppy now, hard later. 5970% 5971Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest. This cat allowed himself 5972to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched 5973by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really 5974bombed. And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole 5975life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit. He became numero uno 5976gameplayer. Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended 5977and the reality began. Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man. 5978Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of 5979a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend. In his final 5980appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to, 5981Mr. Joe Gideon!! 5982 -- All That Jazz 5983% 5984Fond of equestrians, Mabel 5985Looked for true love in the stable. 5986 But she found the studs, 5987 For her were all duds, 5988Now she's out with the leg of a table. 5989% 5990For a gay time, call 632-9483. Ask for Brucie. 5991% 5992For a good time, call 632-9484. Ask for Cathy. 5993% 5994For a good time, call 632-9485. Ask for Michael. 5995% 5996For a house-to-house salesman named Moore, 5997Getting housewives' attention's no chore: 5998 He's endowed with a dong 5999 That is 12 inches long, 6000So he wedges his foot in the door. 6001% 6002For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all. 6003 -- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry 6004 6005When should a man marry? A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all. 6006 -- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life" 6007% 6008For children, a woman. 6009For pleasure, a boy. 6010For sheer ecstasy, a melon. 6011% 6012For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an 6013exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was 6014raised! 6015% 6016For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral 6017sex on him, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was 6018simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let 6019alone attempt it. But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and 6020one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act. When it was 6021over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I, 6022sweetheart?" 6023 He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no 6024cocksucker!" 6025% 6026For the sores on his prick he used Dial. 6027That failed; he gave Lava a trial. 6028 But the one remedy 6029 For contagious V.D. 6030Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. 6031% 6032For the sores on his prick he used Dial. 6033That failed; he gave Lava a trial. 6034 But the one remedy 6035 For contagious V.D. 6036Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. 6037% 6038"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe, 6039"You have told me my bosom is snowy; 6040 You have made much fine verse on 6041 Each part of my person, 6042Now do something -- there's a good boy!" 6043% 6044fornication, n: 6045 Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. 6046% 6047FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15 6048 6049Sex: 6050 Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of 6051foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. 6052 6053Maturity: 6054 Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can 6055function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards 6056and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school 6057romances rarely work out. 6058 6059Handwriting: 6060 To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just 6061chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their 6062"i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their 6063"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even 6064when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. 6065% 6066FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #18 6067 6068Sexual frequency: 6069 The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every 6070morning, or maybe both if he's under 25. The average woman would like to 6071have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month. 6072 6073Shopping: 6074 It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men. 6075Men don't like to shop. If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he 6076will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition. 6077He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in 6078color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know. Even then it takes him 6079half an hour to get there from the entrance. When he's finally accomplished 6080his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook. Women shop to 6081relax. 6082% 6083Fortune Personals: 6084 SWBiM, 29. Gr/Fr/Mild English. Have 6085 own moose, hoop. Sincere inquiries 6086 only. Discreet. Fortune P.O. Box 1910. 6087% 6088Fortune presents: 6089 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3. 6090 6091Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo? Where's the nearest massage parlor? 6092Vi dolorigas min. You're hurting me. 6093Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston. I want to see an American doctor. 6094Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn. I would like to buy some 6095 contraceptives. 6096^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci? Was it good for you too? 6097% 6098Fortune presents: 6099 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4. 6100Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj. My hovercraft is full of eels. 6101Neniu anticipas la hispanan No one expects the Spanish 6102 Inkvizicion. Inquisition. 6103La solvo estas kvardekdu. The answer is forty-two. 6104Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so. So long, and thanks for all the fish. 6105^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu Is that a pencil in your pocket, 6106 vi feli^cas pri vidi min? or are you happy to see me? 6107% 6108Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! 6109 6110Try: 6111 [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? (C shell) 6112 ^How did the^sex change operation go? (C shell) 6113 "How would you rate BSD vs. System V? 6114 %blow (C shell) 6115 'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am' (C shell) 6116 got a light? (C shell) 6117 !!:Say, what do you think of margarine? (C shell) 6118 PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense (Bourne shell) 6119 make love 6120 make "the perfect dry martini" 6121 man -kisses dog (anything up to 4.3BSD) 6122 i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i (Bourne shell) 6123% 6124FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3 6125 6126You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this 6127proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your 6128proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into 6129your coffee. You: 6130 6131 (a) Tell him you take your coffee black. 6132 (b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases. 6133 (c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his 6134 "In" basket. 6135 (d) Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes. 6136% 6137FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5 6138 6139You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and 6140tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players 6141live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: 6142 6143 (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't 6144 remember your name. 6145 (b) Ask what position she played. 6146 (c) Ask if she is still working the streets. 6147 (d) Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask 6148 if he recognizes the label. 6149% 6150FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6 6151 6152You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be 6153your best deal of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into 6154the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention 6155to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone 6156in your hotel. She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as 6157his daughter. Your next move is to: 6158 6159 (a) Ask for her hand in marriage. 6160 (b) Pass out and hope for sympathy. 6161 (c) Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the 6162 daughter and get her number. 6163 (d) Turn red and slink off into the men's room. 6164% 6165FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #7 6166You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January 6167and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live 6168there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: 6169 6170 (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your 6171 name. 6172 (b) Ask what position she played. 6173 (c) Pull a pair of lacey underwear from your pocket and ask if 6174 he recognizes the label. 6175% 6176FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9 6177 6178You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives 6179in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and 6180egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. 6181Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass 6182bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. You: 6183 6184 (a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. 6185 (b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense. 6186 (c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better. 6187% 6188Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality 6189could go either way. 6190% 6191Fortune's Guide to Movies: 6192G: No girl. 6193PG: The hero gets the girl. 6194R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl. 6195X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure 6196 which end it will be. 6197XXX: Everybody gets the girl. 6198% 6199Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1 6200 6201 Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if 6202you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack. 6203If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch 6204you in the face. Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent 6205of rape and should be avoided at all cost. 6206 Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion". What do 6207you do? Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things 6208rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously 6209not be rational. Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before. 6210 Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about 6211"certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc., 6212they are talking about *you*. It is also correct to assume that words you 6213don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid", 6214are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally 6215scathing response. Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for 6216rational discussion. (See above.) 6217% 6218Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3 6219 6220The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical 6221recourse. If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for 622230 odd weeks, and an memo comes across that logically tears down the 6223final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call 6224the author of that memo: 6225 1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason. 6226 2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping 6227 cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose memos 6228 are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal. 6229 3: something unpleasant. 6230The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone 6231has posted something you don't understand. Given the current state of modern 6232electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning 6233of an memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of 6234the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via 6235a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos. 6236% 6237FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5 6238 6239 Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed. 6240% 6241FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8 6242 6243 Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table. 6244% 6245Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years. After their usual 6246Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game 6247shower for the first time. His friends were surprised - "For twenty years", 6248one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for 6249us in the clubhouse. Why the sudden change?" 6250 "Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual 6251medical condition. I had both a penis and a vagina. Last month I finally 6252decided to have the vagina removed." 6253 The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust. "You 6254mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all 6255these years?" 6256% 6257France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear 6258the toilet paper. 6259 -- Billy Wilder 6260% 6261From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the 6262fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The 6263moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and 6264whispered, 6265 "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine 6266inches?" 6267There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said, 6268 "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times 6269in a row!" 6270% 6271Fuck art; let's dance! 6272% 6273Fuck off and die! 6274% 6275Fuck you and anybody who looks like you. 6276% 6277Fuck'em if they can't take a joke! 6278% 6279Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it. 6280It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it. 6281 It makes you sick, it makes you well, 6282 It turns your spine to fucking jell, 6283It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it. 6284% 6285fuck-me-pumps, n: 6286 Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather. 6287The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps. Shoes with 6288heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around 6289them properly. 6290% 6291fuckoff, n: 6292 The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant. 6293% 6294Gardeners do it in raised beds. 6295% 6296GARTER: 6297 An elastic band intended to keep a woman 6298 from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. 6299% 6300Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive 6301Donna Rice home. 6302% 6303GAY: 6304 One who'd rather swish than fight. 6305% 6306GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 6307 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because 6308you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too 6309little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest. 6310% 6311Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen? 6312 -- Mae West 6313% 6314Geometry teaches us to bisex angels. 6315% 6316George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to 6317find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He 6318leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the 6319bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the 6320foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw 6321another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up 6322at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?" 6323% 6324George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he 6325also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him? 6326Because George still had the axe in his hand. 6327% 6328GEORGIA: 6329 Where kinky sex means getting laid. 6330% 6331"Get a load of that chick!" "Dude -- you gotta ask her out." 6332"Weellll, I dunno..." "Look. The worst she can say, is 'No'!" 6333"Hey! You're right!" "I'm always right!" 6334"The worst she can say... is 'No'!" 6335 6336"Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif 6337you'd like to go out with me!" 6338 6339Oh my god you little Geek! 6340Get away before I freak! You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum, 6341I'm a babe and you are not. You asked me out; you MUST be dumb. 6342You can't handle what I've got! Well you can beg until you're blue, 6343I'm too hot, too hot for you.. But you're not even fit to lick my shoe. 6344 I'm too hot, too hot for you. 6345Ha ha ha! Don't make me laugh! 6346I want a whole man, not a half. I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer 6347You wet your pants, I'm so sure. face, 6348Too bad wimp-itis has no cure. I'm god's gift to the male race. 6349I'm too hot, too hot for you. I'm the queen of babes supreme, 6350 But you'll only see me in you dreams. 6351"Well? What'd she say??" I'm too hot, too hot for you. 6352"Well, she didn't say no..." 6353 -- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No" 6354% 6355GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!! 6356% 6357Get your bytes from our backend! 6358 -- Britton Lee 6359% 6360Getting an education at the University of California 6361is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. 6362% 6363Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel 6364Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel. 6365 But her genital area 6366 Is so vast it'll scareya, 6367And you venture inside at your peril. 6368% 6369Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle 6370 Lean closer. 6371Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle 6372 Smile at her *knowingly*. 6373Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle 6374 Nod sympathetically. Show you're on *her* side. 6375Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle 6376 Touch her hand lightly. Nobody understands but we two. 6377Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle 6378 Look sincere. 6379 6380"Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?" 6381 6382 God's gift to women strikes again. 6383 -- J. Feiffer 6384% 6385Gimme that old bisexuality, 6386Gimme that old bisexuality, 6387Gimme that old bisexuality, 6388'Cause it's good enough for me! 6389 6390It was good for David Bowie, 6391It was good for David Bowie, 6392It was good for David Bowie, 6393And it's good enough for me! 6394% 6395Girls are better looking in snowstorms. 6396 -- Archie Goodwin 6397% 6398Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand! 6399% 6400Girls marry for love. Boys marry because of a chronic irritation 6401that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with 6402certain curvilinear properties. 6403 -- Ashley Montagu 6404% 6405Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for 6406yourself! 6407% 6408Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, 6409however, a rather archaic use of the word. Should one of you boys happen 6410upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you 6411have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian. 6412 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 6413% 6414Girls who throw themselves at men, 6415are actually taking very careful aim. 6416% 6417Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them. 6418% 6419Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. 6420 -- Mae West 6421% 6422Give me Librium or give me Meth. 6423% 6424Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! 6425% 6426GLEE CLUB GROUPIE: 6427 A girl into choral sex. 6428% 6429Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks, 6430and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her. 6431% 6432God is a polytheist. 6433% 6434God is an atheist. 6435% 6436God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's. 6437% 6438God is not dead -- he's been busted. 6439% 6440God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here 6441on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these 6442divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No 6443checks, please. Cash and in small bills. 6444 -- Lazarus Long 6445% 6446God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. 6447% 6448God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. 6449% 6450God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. 6451% 6452God must love assholes -- She made so many of them. 6453% 6454God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on 6455where to go. 6456 "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. 6457 "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. 6458 "Well, how about Mercury?" 6459 "No, it's too hot there." 6460 "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" 6461 "No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was 6462there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're 6463still talking about it." 6464% 6465God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love 6466Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it 6467will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else 6468in the vicinity. However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply 6469for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule 6470over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the 6471turkeys who buy such bumper stickers. Of course, God understands that innocent 6472bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to 6473impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits, 6474for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette 6475without breaking eggs. God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral 6476dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming 6477(hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with. But God knows full well 6478that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than 6479expected, and may be with us for a long time yet. 6480% 6481God's plan had a great beginning, 6482But man spoiled his chances by sinning 6483 We trust that the story 6484 Will end in God's glory 6485But at present the other side's winning. 6486% 6487God's plan made a hopeful beginning 6488But man spoiled his chances by sinning. 6489 We trust that the story 6490 Will end in God's glory 6491But at present, the other side's winning. 6492% 6493Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello 6494is fatal to a virgin. 6495 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 6496% 6497Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields 6498Sold in a market down in New Orleans 6499Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright 6500Hear him whip the women, just around midnight 6501 6502Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good? 6503Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should 6504 6505Drums beating cold English blood runs hot 6506Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop 6507House boy knows that he's doing alright 6508You should a heard him just around midnight. 6509... 6510I bet your mama was tent show queen 6511And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen 6512I'm no school boy but I know what I like 6513You should have heard me just around midnight. 6514 -- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar" 6515% 6516Goldfish: Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love 6517"fish fashion" (ie: no hands). Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke. 6518It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind). 6519Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players 6520unsupervised, even briefly. There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in 6521the movie "Soldier Blue". A good many women can get an orgasm from this 6522simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror. 6523Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be 6524able to get loose. 6525 -- The Joy of Sex 6526% 6527Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend. 6528% 6529Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen! 6530Here's a little number I tossed up in the Carribean recently... 6531 6532Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis, 6533isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong. 6534 6535It's swell to have a Stiffy, 6536it's divine to have a Dick, 6537from the tinyest little Tadger, 6538to the world's greatest Prick. 6539 6540So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas, 6541Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake. 6542 6543Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend, 6544your Porky or your Cock, 6545you can wrap it up in ribbons, 6546you can stick it in your sock! 6547 6548But, don't take it out in public, 6549or they will stick you in the dock, 6550and you won't come back. 6551 -- The Meaning of Life, Monty Python 6552% 6553good scout, n: 6554 Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her. 6555% 6556Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great. He walked over to his 6557window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up. He felt *so* 6558good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming 6559voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade! Good morning to you and 6560the great Soviet Socialist Republic!". Of course, this surprised him, but 6561great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications. 6562Gorbachev then woke up Reza and his closest aides, brought them into his 6563bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!". Again a booming reply, 6564"Good morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!" 6565Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his 6566day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child. 6567 Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet. As he 6568dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting. Walking over to the window, 6569Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to 6570you, Comrade Sun!". Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you, 6571asshole! I'm in the West now!" 6572% 6573Grain grows best in shit. 6574 -- U.K. LeGuin 6575% 6576Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. 6577% 6578Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker. 6579% 6580great lover, n: 6581 A man who can breathe through his ears. 6582% 6583GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21): July 30, 1917 6584 6585On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then 6586Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought 6587them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought 6588I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from 6589his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs 6590in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service 6591men stood lookout. 6592% 6593Gross, adj.: 6594 When your bloody mary still has the string in it. 6595% 6596Gross, adj.: 6597 When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and 6598 slips you some tongue. 6599% 6600Gynecologist, n: 6601 Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails. 6602% 6603HACKER: 6604 A master byter. 6605% 6606Hackers do it bottom-up. 6607% 6608Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. 6609% 6610Hackers do it with bugs. 6611% 6612Hackers do it with fewer instructions. 6613% 6614Hackers have kernel knowledge. 6615% 6616Hackers know all the right MOVs. 6617% 6618Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half 6619are about penis size. And what I want to know is, if all you're doing 6620is jerking off, why do you care how big it is? 6621 -- From alt.sex 6622% 6623Halt!! Who goes there, friend or enema? 6624% 6625Handsome woman. -- Lovely bust. 6626Fine young fellow. -- Stirred-up lust. -- 6627 Babies' diapers. -- 6628 Bottom wipers. -- 6629Years of struggle. -- Coffin. -- Dust. 6630% 6631Handy hint: 6632 A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute 6633 when you're out of tampons. 6634% 6635Hang gliders come down very slowly. 6636% 6637Hangover, n: 6638 The burden of proof. 6639% 6640HAPPINESS: 6641 Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative. 6642% 6643Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to 6644mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference 6645between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep 6646or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses 6647his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past. 6648Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit. 6649 -- Tom Robbins 6650% 6651Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the 665222- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her. The 6653determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement 6654program. He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day, 6655lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet. Within months, the 6656rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him. 6657 On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck 6658by lightning. Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "How 6659could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?" 6660 "To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't 6661recognize you." 6662% 6663Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished 6664when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his 6665boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week, 6666off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting 6667that he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice, 6668he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with 6669a stretcher. 6670 "But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine." 6671Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the 6672enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself. 6673 "Looks good, feels good... No, you look like hell. Looks good, 6674feels terrible... Nah, you feel fine, right?" 6675Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said, 6676 "Looks terrible, feels terrible... Nope, that won't do it either." 6677Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!! You're a vagina!" 6678% 6679Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to 6680America's problems? Why, we could solve all of our raw materials 6681difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend. If we 6682got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico 6683by 10:00. Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult, 6684but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening. Turning our 6685attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning. 6686General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take 6687up Sunday afternoon. I just don't understand why Washington hasn't 6688thought of this... 6689% 6690Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman 6691President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got 6692my period." 6693 -- Steven Moore 6694% 6695Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Everybody has some wacko aunt or 6696uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But 6697if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't 6698laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist. Thank God 6699other parts of our bodies are dumber. 6700% 6701Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I 6702mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with 6703water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom 6704is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians 6705don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don't give a 6706damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and 6707Shirley" week after week. 6708 -- Dave Barry 6709% 6710Have you heard about Magda Lupescu, 6711Who came to Rumania's rescue? 6712 It's a wonderful thing 6713 To be under a king-- 6714Is democracy better, I esk you? 6715% 6716Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum 6717Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin? 6718 Some people say, 6719 Love finds a way, 6720But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'. 6721% 6722Have you heard of the lady named Cox 6723Who had a capacious old box? 6724 When her lover was in place 6725 She said, "Please turn your face. 6726I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox." 6727% 6728Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham 6729And the scandal that's currently concerning'em? 6730 How they lift the frock 6731 And tickle the cock 6732Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em? 6733% 6734Have you seen how Sonny's burning, 6735Like some bright erotic star, 6736He lights up the proceedings, 6737And raises the temperature. 6738 -- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning" 6739% 6740Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used 6741for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such 6742attempts... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous 6743as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the 6744Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God 6745finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. 6746 -- R.E. Masters 6747% 6748Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to 6749satisfy his new 18-year-old wife. He visited a gypsy woman with magical 6750powers. 6751 After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There. 6752Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection. Repeating 6753the phrase will make it disappear. But remember," she cautioned, "it will 6754work only three times. Make use of them wisely." 6755 As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction. "Beep-beep," 6756he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life. 6757"Beep-beep", he repeated. It went away. 6758 He sped through traffic on his way home. "Beep-beep," honked a taxi. 6759The old man gasped as he instantly got hard. 6760 "Beep-beep," honked a truck. His erection wilted. 6761 Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside 6762and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel. 6763 "Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes. 6764"Beep-beep!" 6765 "Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection. 6766"What's all this beep-beep shit?" 6767% 6768Having made a remark rather coarse, 6769A young lady was seized with remorse; 6770 She fled from the room, 6771 And later, a groom 6772Saw her rolling about in the gorse. 6773 -- Edward Gorey 6774% 6775He: Am I... am I your first? 6776She: Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar... 6777% 6778He: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" 6779She: "No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now." 6780% 6781He: So, what do you say to little fuck? 6782She: I say, "get lost, little fuck." 6783% 6784He boil my first cabbage, make it awfully hot, 6785But when he put in the bacon, oooh, you know it overflow the pot. 6786 -- Bessie Smith, "Empty Bed Blues" 6787% 6788He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong, 6789muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water. 6790But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say, 6791a pocket camera? 6792 -- An Exciting Journey 6793% 6794He dove down overweighted with lead. 6795Passed one hundred and flat lost his head. 6796 He flapped and he flailed, 6797 Spit his hose and he wailed, 6798Swallowed water and found himself dead. 6799% 6800He drank with curvy Mable, 6801The pace was fast and furious, 6802He slid beneath the table, 6803Not drunk but merely curious. 6804% 6805He grabbed me by my slender neck, 6806I could not call or scream. 6807He dragged me to his tiny room, 6808Where we could not be seen. 6809He tore away my filmy wrap, 6810And gazed upon my form. 6811I so cold and frightened, 6812While he so strong and warm. 6813He pressed me to his thirsty lips, 6814I gave him every drop. 6815He drained me of my very self, 6816I could not make him stop! 6817And that is why you see me here, 6818An empty, broken bottle of beer... 6819% 6820He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre. 6821So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything 6822unusual for him to try. "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I 6823do have one number you might enjoy." She went on to describe a New Jersey 6824hen that had been trained to do blow jobs. 6825 "We've got her here, but only for the day." 6826 The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went 6827into a room with a hen. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his 6828cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing 6829but a plain old chicken. He left. Thinking about it later, he decided 6830that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and 6831asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?" 6832 "Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group 6833of men were looking through a one-way mirror. He saw that they were watching 6834a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher. 6835 "Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him. "This is really 6836great!" 6837 The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here 6838a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!" 6839% 6840He hated to mend, so young Ned 6841Called in a cute neighbor instead. 6842 Her husband said, "Vi, 6843 When you stitched up his torn fly, 6844Did you have to bite off the thread?" 6845% 6846He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy 6847Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy. 6848 Then his gargantuan pole in 6849 Her pink, tight, and swollen 6850Young cunt just about drove her crazy. 6851% 6852He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now. 6853% 6854He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist. 6855% 6856He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat -- 6857scared it'd get serious. 6858% 6859He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date." 6860% 6861He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth 6862and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet. 6863 -- Fred Allen 6864% 6865He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- 6866Hell, they HAD to make him President of the United States. 6867It's the only job he's qualified for! 6868 -- Michael Cain 6869% 6870He who farts in church must sit in his own pew. 6871% 6872He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, 6873pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. 6874% 6875He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands. 6876% 6877He who trains his tongue to quote the learned 6878sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass. 6879 -- Howard Kandel 6880% 6881Hear about... 6882 one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you 6883 have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off? 6884% 6885Hear about... 6886 the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow 6887 Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book? 6888% 6889Hear about... 6890 the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing 6891 the bed? 6892% 6893Hear about... 6894 the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and 6895 started chiseling on his wife? 6896% 6897Hear about... 6898 the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing 6899 his whatchamacalit? 6900% 6901Hear about... 6902 the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and 6903 demanded a salary on next week's advance? 6904% 6905Hear about... 6906 the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll? 6907 Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage. 6908% 6909Hear about... 6910 the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to 6911 go up on him? 6912% 6913Hear about... 6914 the careless canary that did it for a lark? 6915% 6916Hear about... 6917 the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride? 6918% 6919Hear about... 6920 the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films? 6921 The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure 6922 which end it will be. 6923% 6924Hear about... 6925 the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to 6926 a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car? 6927% 6928Hear about... 6929 the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors? 6930% 6931Hear about... 6932 the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the 6933 wrong foot? 6934% 6935Hear about... 6936 the doctor that prescribed sex for insommia? His patients didn't 6937 get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake. 6938% 6939Hear about... 6940 the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed 6941 everybody in the joint? 6942% 6943Hear about... 6944 the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and 6945 asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling? 6946% 6947Hear about... 6948 the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and 6949 next morning found she was six months pregnant? 6950% 6951Hear about... 6952 the farmer who couldn't keep his 6953 hands off his wife so he fired them? 6954% 6955Hear about... 6956 the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife, so he 6957 fired them? 6958% 6959Hear about... 6960 The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed 6961 her between the limbs? 6962% 6963Hear about... 6964 the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station? 6965% 6966Hear about... 6967 the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly 6968 accommodating girls? He refers to it as his little blew book. 6969% 6970Hear about... 6971 the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard? 6972% 6973Hear about... 6974 the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down? 6975% 6976Hear about... 6977 the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the 6978 delinquency of a major? 6979% 6980Hear about... 6981 the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went 6982 to the front? 6983% 6984Hear about... 6985 the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex 6986 education when she heard the final exam would be oral? 6987% 6988Hear about... 6989 the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and 6990 then his wife didn't leave town? 6991% 6992Hear about... 6993 the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider 6994 marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt? 6995% 6996Hear about... 6997 the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local 6998 sailors? 6999% 7000Hear about... 7001 the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend, 7002 so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two? 7003% 7004Hear about... 7005 the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was 7006 such a sweet liquor? 7007% 7008Hear about... 7009 the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator 7010 off? 7011% 7012Hear about... 7013 the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip? 7014% 7015Hear about... 7016 the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy? Just kind of lost 7017 his ball bearings. 7018% 7019Hear about... 7020 the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy -- you might say he 7021 lost his ball bearings? 7022% 7023Hear about... 7024 the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears? 7025 Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up. 7026% 7027Hear about... 7028 the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that 7029 he'd never be able to face his girl again? 7030% 7031Hear about... 7032 the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along? 7033% 7034Hear about... 7035 the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin? 7036% 7037Hear about... 7038 the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his 7039 assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe? 7040% 7041Hear about... 7042 the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and 7043 so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers? 7044% 7045Hear about... 7046 the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce? 7047% 7048Hear about... 7049 the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose 7050 a lot more than letters behind the files? 7051% 7052Hear about... 7053 the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are 7054 with young housewives who aren't adequately covered? 7055% 7056Hear about... 7057 the little boy that found a fifty cent 7058 piece, so he went home for some money? 7059% 7060Hear about... 7061 the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home 7062 for some money? 7063% 7064Hear about... 7065 the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent? Except on 7066 Palm Sunday, of course. 7067% 7068Hear about... 7069 the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New 7070 York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman? 7071% 7072Hear about... 7073 the man who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that 7074 he'd never be able to face his girl again? 7075% 7076Hear about... 7077 the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often 7078 that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed? 7079% 7080Hear about... 7081 the new breakfast cereal called Queerios? You simply add milk 7082 and they eat each other. 7083% 7084Hear about... 7085 the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap, 7086 crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang? 7087% 7088Hear about... 7089 the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in 7090 Los Angeles single bars? It's called Bang Americard. 7091% 7092Hear about... 7093 the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in 7094 single bars -- BANG AMERICARD? 7095% 7096Hear about... 7097 the new rule at the girls' school? 7098 Lights out by ten, candles by eleven. 7099% 7100Hear about... 7101 the new vitamin made from chicken blood, 7102 it makes men cocky and women lay better? 7103% 7104Hear about... 7105 the nurse they thought had drowned 7106 until they found her under the doc? 7107% 7108Hear about... 7109 the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie? 7110% 7111Hear about... 7112 the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle? 7113% 7114Hear about... 7115 the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney? 7116% 7117Hear about... 7118 the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into 7119 a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass? 7120% 7121Hear about... 7122 the real smart girl who could play post-office all night 7123 without getting any mail in her box? 7124% 7125Hear about... 7126 the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the 7127 men who have tried Camels have gone back to women? 7128% 7129Hear about... 7130 the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought 7131 someone would grab his seat? 7132% 7133Hear about... 7134 the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini? 7135% 7136Hear about... 7137 the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft. 7138% 7139Hear about... 7140 the swinger who labelled his little black book "Future Shack"? 7141% 7142Hear about... 7143 the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a 7144 wide receiver? 7145% 7146Hear about... 7147 the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell 7148 off the sofa? 7149% 7150Hear about... 7151 the ultimate in singles bars. It's a place where girls have 7152 to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted? 7153% 7154Hear about... 7155 the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her 7156 feel like a new man? 7157% 7158Hear about... 7159 the woman who says two martinis usually make her feel like a 7160 new man? 7161% 7162Hear about... 7163 the young lady attacked in San Francisco? 7164 By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair. 7165% 7166Hear about... 7167 the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as 7168 Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because 7169 she's a wonderful mount? 7170% 7171Hear about the... 7172 guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that 7173 if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent. 7174% 7175Hear that... 7176 bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous 7177 Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years? 7178% 7179Hear that... 7180 the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization 7181 in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member 7182 in good standing? 7183% 7184Hear that... 7185 the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your 7186 collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears? 7187% 7188Hear that... 7189 the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled 7190 "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"? 7191% 7192Hear that... 7193 there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky 7194 tastes? There's a House whip in attendance, of course? 7195% 7196Hear that... 7197 those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male 7198 version -- with nuts of course? 7199% 7200Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy. 7201Seems he's screwing everyone but her. 7202% 7203He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie 7204They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie. 7205 So he put Spanish fly 7206 In their pudding and pie 7207And had the first tiny-tot orgy. 7208% 7209Heisenberg may have done it. 7210% 7211"Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick, 7212"I won't suck his filthy old prick! 7213 It's not that I funk 7214 At a mouthful of spunk, 7215But the smell of his ass makes me sick!" 7216% 7217"Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..." 7218 -- Zippy the Pinhead 7219% 7220Hello, children!! 7221 This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune. 7222 Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap 7223 and we can all start. Comfortable? Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!! 7224 7225 One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her 7226 tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he 7227 grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and 7228 hurriedly ripping off her thin *******. 7229 7230 Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow. 7231 He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the 7232 pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* ******* 7233 of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon. 7234 7235 Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic 7236 oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted 7237 glen down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives, ******** 7238 and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and ***** 7239 the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs. 7240% 7241Help! I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body! 7242 -- Bisexuality, 101 7243% 7244Help Stamp Out Rape! (Say Yes.) 7245% 7246HENPECKED HUSBAND: 7247 One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile. 7248% 7249Her brother, a bastard named Ben, 7250Could rotate his pecker, and then 7251 He would shoot through his rear 7252 Which made him dear 7253Of the girls, and the envy of men. 7254% 7255Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin, 7256Had morals the city might soften. 7257 So she phoned and asked, "Lynn, 7258 Are you living in sin?" 7259Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often." 7260% 7261Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her. 7262% 7263Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin', 7264Just gave birth to another Texan. 7265% 7266Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue 7267of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with 7268the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it 7269when he saw it. So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the 7270suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it 7271over. "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until 7272one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under 7273an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling 7274stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was 7275illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the 7276court was going to take a nap. 7277 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 7278% 7279Here's a toast to Screwy Dick, 7280The man who was born with a corkscrew prick. 7281He spent his life in a futile hunt, 7282To find a woman with a spiral cunt. 7283And when he did, he dropped stone dead, 7284'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread! 7285% 7286Here's to the girl in little red shoes, 7287She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze, 7288She has no cherry, but that's no sin, 7289She has the box the cherry came in. 7290% 7291Here's to the girl that's dressed in black, 7292She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack 7293She feels so fine and kisses so sweet 7294She makes things stand that have no feet. 7295% 7296Here's to the girl that's sweet, 7297Here's to the girl that's true, 7298Here's to the girl in all our hearts... 7299 7300In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for 7301the rest of the night? 7302% 7303Here's to the woman beautiful and devine 7304she flowers every month bears fruit every nine 7305she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell 7306can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell. 7307% 7308Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling 7309into her hands. 7310 -- Ambrose Bierce 7311% 7312HERMIT: 7313 A man who'd rather get off by himself. 7314% 7315HERPES: 7316 The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive. 7317 Much better. 7318% 7319He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch. 7320 -- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza 7321% 7322He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to 7323read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact. 7324% 7325He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation; 7326he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out. 7327% 7328Hey baby! 7329 How 'bout a brutal face fuck? 7330% 7331HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 7332 A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to 7333become a homosexual. Every year, millions of young men and women, just 7334like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality. 7335They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever. Send 50 cents 7336today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques". Be sure to specify the 7337male or female edition. 7338% 7339HEY, KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 7340 Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks. Do it right! 7341Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques 7342for the teenager". Be sure to specify the male or female edition. 7343% 7344HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 7345 Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an 7346oral contraceptive. See your family planning clinic today! 7347% 7348Hickory Dickory Dock, 7349Three mice ran up a clock! 7350The clock struck one, 7351Right in the balls! 7352 7353There was an old woman, 7354Who lived in a shoe, 7355Who had so many children, 7356Her uterus fell right out. 7357% 7358Higgledy Piggledy Coeducational 7359Yale University Extracurricular 7360Gave up misogyny Heterosexual 7361Opened its door. Fun is in store. 7362% 7363Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch! 7364% 7365His shy bride admitted to Crandall 7366That for years she'd worked off with a candle, 7367 But a cock like his dick 7368 Gave her ten times the kick, 7369Though it stained her wee peehole to handle! 7370% 7371Home is where the hurt is. 7372 -- Strange de Jim 7373% 7374Honest, officer, had I known my health was 7375in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one! 7376% 7377HONOR: 7378 Almost as good as in 'er. 7379% 7380horny, adj: 7381 When your cock gets hard if the wind blows. 7382% 7383Horsecrap, little brother. There's always something more to be done. 7384Another palm to be greased. Another back to be scratched. Another 7385weak sister to be shored up. 7386 -- J.R. Ewing 7387% 7388HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN 7389 Vol. I -- Etiquette 7390 73911. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then 7392 scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!" 73932. Washing your partner's back is sexy. Washing your panty hose is not. 73943. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil 7395 it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've 7396 seen bigger wangs on hamsters!" 73974. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing. Don't pass anything else. 73985. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a 7399 toy submarine. 7400% 7401How can you say that the world isn't 7402Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol? 7403% 7404How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection? 7405% 7406How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the 7407government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was 7408gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. 7409We'll be lucky to escape with our skins! 7410% 7411How should they answer? 7412 -- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question 7413 "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?" 7414% 7415How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers? 7416Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room. 7417% 7418HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28 7419 Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with 7420 Fantastik or the like. Use Windex on the glass however, and 7421 be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between 7422 the keys. 7423% 7424Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole. 7425 -- John Valby 7426% 7427Hugh Hefner is a virgin. 7428% 7429Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the 7430bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot. 7431% 7432Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse. 7433% 7434hypocrite, n: 7435 A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy. 7436% 7437I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this 7438country what it once was... an arctic wilderness. 7439 -- Steve Martin 7440% 7441I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance. 7442You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system." But what's 7443going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because 7444you're not insured. What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on 7445a Saturday Night? Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system... 7446 -- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach. 7447% 7448I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost 7449perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are 7450too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it 7451the one immortal blemish of mankind. 7452 -- Fredrich Nietzsche 7453% 7454I call it the "Madman Theory". I want the North Vietnamese to believe that 7455I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war. We'll 7456just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed 7457about Communism. We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his 7458hand on the nuclear button." 7459 -- Richard Nixon 7460% 7461I came; I saw; I fucked up. 7462% 7463I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute 7464dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing 7465and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day. 7466 -- Betty MacDonald 7467% 7468I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the 7469afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair. 7470 -- Gore Vidal 7471% 7472I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off. 7473 -- Peter Knight 7474% 7475I choked Linda Lovelace. 7476% 7477I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness, 7478but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs 7479and wallowing in its odor. 7480 -- Salvador Dali 7481% 7482I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America; 7483here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully 7484rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined 74855000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country! I came back to England (after 7486absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty! 7487-- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the 7488Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley, 7489& left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing! Being now Lord of the Manor, I 7490began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the 7491Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before 7492they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of 7493Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of 7494Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every 7495week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my 7496Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE! 7497 -- William Cobbett, British journalist 7498% 7499I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing 7500Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?" 7501 I replied, "Simple shagging 7502 Without any wagging 7503Is only for screwing canoeing." 7504% 7505"I do love a lay every day, 7506So whenever you're coming this way 7507 Just phone in advance 7508 And I'll jerk off my pants, 7509And we're set for a sexy soiree!" 7510% 7511I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get those reindeer off my roof. 7512% 7513I don't discriminate on the basis of sex. 7514 -- Bisexuality, 101 7515 7516 [An equal opportunity lover? Ed.] 7517% 7518I don't drink water; fish fuck in it. 7519 -- W.C. Fields 7520% 7521I don't give a shit what happens. I want you all to stonewall it. Let 7522them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save 7523the plan. 7524 -- Richard Nixon 7525% 7526I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the 7527money and all the pussy. 7528 -- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab" 7529% 7530I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter. 7531 -- The Undergraduate 7532% 7533I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone 7534I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win 7535If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In 7536Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal 7537My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was 7538 Breaking My Heart 7539Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer 7540Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You 7541When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living 7542 With You Is the Pits 7543I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger 7544 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay" 7545% 7546"I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his 7547marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed." 7548% 7549I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is 7550one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy. 7551% 7552I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles. 7553It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off. 7554 -- P.J. O'Rourke 7555% 7556I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her 7557 just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8". 7558I said, "7 and 7/8?! What did you measure 'em with?" 7559And she replied, "A Stetson." 7560% 7561"I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant," 7562sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the 7563cows came home." 7564% 7565I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about 7566Italians -- they're so Jewish. 7567 -- Kay Ballard 7568% 7569I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... 7570boy, were they mad! 7571 -- Stephen Wright 7572% 7573I had a virgin once. I had to go to Florida for her. She was twelve 7574years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled 7575"Made in Taiwan". 7576 -- The Stunt Man 7577% 7578I have a funny daddy 7579Who goes in and out with me 7580And everything that baby does 7581Daddy's sure to see, 7582And everything that baby says, 7583My daddy's sure to tell. 7584You must have read my daddy's verse. 7585I hope he fries in Hell. 7586 -- Ogden Nash 7587% 7588"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls," 7589the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for 7590the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that 7591it was enough to make a blown man cry." 7592% 7593I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable. 7594 -- Will Rogers 7595% 7596I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us 7597take our fill of love until the morning. 7598 -- Proverbs 7:17-18 7599% 7600I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days, 7601but when I tried it I kept falling off. 7602% 7603I knew Leo G. Carrol 7604Was over a barrel 7605When Tarantula took to the hills. ["Lick it!"] 7606And I really got hot 7607When I saw Jeanette Scott 7608Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills. 7609 7610Science fiction, double feature 7611Doctor X will build a creature. 7612See androids fighting Brad and Janet 7613Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet 7614Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh 7615At the late night, double feature, picture show. 7616 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show 7617% 7618I know a Polack his name is Cliff, 7619Hey-la-de-la-de-la. 7620He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff, 7621Hey-la-de-la-de-lo. 7622 7623I know a girl, her name is Serafina, 7624Hey-la-de-la-de-la. 7625She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina, 7626Hey-la-de-la-de-lo. 7627 7628I know a girl, her name is Cuffy, 7629Hey-la-de-la-de-la. 7630She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy, 7631Hey la-de-la-de-lo. 7632 -- Doctor Dirty 7633% 7634I know of a fortunate Hindu 7635Who is sought in the towns that he's been to 7636 By the ladies he knows, 7637 Who are thrilled to the toes 7638By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do. 7639% 7640I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend! 7641Go release your bowels on some lesser personage! 7642 -- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead 7643% 7644I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust 7645an Englishman in the dark. 7646 -- Duncan Spaeth 7647% 7648I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me. 7649% 7650I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family 7651is to bring a New Yorker home first. 7652% 7653I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position. 7654% 7655I met a young man in Chungking 7656Who had a very long thing -- 7657 But you'll guess my surprise 7658 When I found that its size 7659Just measured a third-finger ring! 7660% 7661I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come 7662into my neighborhood after dark. 7663 -- Dick Gregory 7664% 7665I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought 7666it was hell. 7667 -- Harry S. Truman 7668% 7669I never had Miss Defauw, 7670But it wouldn't have been quite so raw 7671 If she'd only said "No" 7672 When I wanted her so; 7673But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!" 7674% 7675I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty. 7676% 7677I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket. 7678 -- Lyndon Baines Johnson 7679% 7680I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket. 7681 -- Lyndon Johnson 7682% 7683I once had the wife of a Dean 7684Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'. 7685 She remarked with some gaiety, 7686 "Not bad for the laiety, 7687Though the Bishop once managed thirteen." 7688% 7689I once met a lassie named Ruth 7690In a long distance telephone booth. 7691 Now I know the perfection 7692 Of an ideal connection 7693Even if somewhat uncouth. 7694% 7695I once was annoyed by a queer 7696Who made his intentions quite clear. 7697 Said I, "I'm no prude, 7698 So don't think me rude, 7699But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed." 7700% 7701I only date queers. 7702 -- Bisexuality, 101 7703 7704 [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is! Ed.] 7705% 7706I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless 7707bastard! It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed 7708as a genius. Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius. 7709 -- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry 7710% 7711I regret to say that we are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital 7712intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. 7713 -- J. Edgar Hoover 7714% 7715I shot a query into the net. 7716I haven't got an answer yet, A posted message called me rotten 7717But seven people gave me hell For ignoring mail I'd never gotten; 7718And said I ought to learn to spell; An angry message asked me, Please 7719 Don't send such drivel overseas; 7720A lawyer sent me private mail 7721And swore he'd slap my ass in jail -- One netter thought it was a hoax: 7722I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem "Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!"; 7723And failed to add the T and M; Another called my grammar vile 7724 And criticized my writing style. 7725Each day I scan each Subject line 7726In hopes the topic will be mine; 7727I shot a query into the net. 7728I haven't got an answer yet... 7729 -- Ed Nather 7730% 7731I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around 7732with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine. 7733 -- Barry Goldwater 7734 7735I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. 7736 -- Barry Goldwater 7737% 7738I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. 7739 -- Barry Goldwater 7740% 7741I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass. 7742 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's 7743 suggestion that all good Christians should be against 7744 Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court 7745% 7746I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse 7747than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa. 7748 -- Frank Zappa 7749% 7750I think the Mormon prophet 7751Was a very funny man. 7752I wonder how his wives enjoyed 7753His Prophet Sharing Plan. 7754% 7755I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom. 7756 -- Strange de Jim 7757% 7758I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about faeces. What a lot we 7759had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized 7760dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery 7761from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle 7762Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were 7763with the faeces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for 7764them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of 7765an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets 7766of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near 7767to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? 7768What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a 7769Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, 7770the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties 7771of an Untenured Professor? 7772 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" 7773% 7774I want a girl that can swallow my pride. 7775 -- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess" 7776% 7777I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking. 7778 -- Dudley Moore 7779% 7780I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words. 7781% 7782I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama. 7783I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts. 7784 -- Firesign Theatre 7785% 7786I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up. 7787% 7788I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island 7789by a Greek cab-driver. He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me 7790about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with. 7791 "See the entrance to that church over there? I built that with my 7792two sons. But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'? Do they hell!" 7793 As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam? Four of us built that 7794dam by ourselves! But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?' Hell, no!" 7795 As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See 7796that house? I built that for my wife with my own two hands! But do they 7797call me `Dimitri the home builder'? No! But just one little sheep!" 7798% 7799"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear 7800grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun. He picked it up 7801and stuck it in my back." 7802 "What did you do?" 7803 "What *could* I do? I married his daughter." 7804% 7805I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played 7806a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one 7807of them had V.D. 7808 -- Rodney Dangerfield 7809% 7810I wish I was a fascinating lady 7811With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady 7812I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night 7813I'd live in a house with a little red light 7814And once a month I'd take a small vacation 7815And leave all the men to their imagination 7816And once in a while I'd go all wild 7817And have myself an illegitimate child 7818I wish I were a fascinating lady 7819Instead I'm the minister's child 7820% 7821I wish that my room had a floor; 7822I don't so much care for a door, 7823 But this walking around 7824 Without touching the ground 7825Is getting to be quite a bore! 7826 -- Gelett Burgess 7827% 7828I wish that my room had a floor; 7829I don't so much care for a door, 7830 But this walking around 7831 Without touching the ground 7832Is getting to be quite a bore! 7833 -- Gelett Burgess 7834% 7835I wonder what my wife will want tonight; 7836Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight? 7837 I wonder can she tell 7838 That I've been raising hell; 7839Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight? 7840 7841My wife is just as nice as can be, 7842I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me. 7843 For an afternoon of joy, 7844 Is hell on the old boy, 7845I wonder what the wife will want tonight! 7846% 7847I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda, 7848I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder. 7849 She said it was crude 7850 To be wooed in the nude-- 7851I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her! 7852% 7853I would like to say, Mister Bunce, 7854I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts. 7855 And in all my lewd life 7856 I've met none like your wife, 7857So why leave her to me, you big dunce? 7858% 7859I wouldn't fuck her with your prick. 7860% 7861I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of 7862having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me. 7863 -- R. Geis 7864% 7865I'd like to give the world a hug 7866And tell it jokes and stuff 7867And pull its pants down to its knees 7868And chase it through the rough 7869 7870Then tie it up with bonds and straps 7871And search its purse for change 7872Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall 7873With our cousin who's deranged ... 7874 -- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial 7875% 7876I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now. 7877% 7878"I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young 7879man as its logo." 7880 -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" 7881% 7882I'd rather have fingers than toes, 7883I'd rather have ears than a nose, 7884 And a happy erection 7885 Brought just to perfection 7886Makes me terribly sad when it goes. 7887% 7888I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump. 7889% 7890If being bi increases your chance of getting a date, 7891does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped? 7892% 7893If continence causes neurosis 7894And intercourse causes thrombosis 7895 I'd rather expire 7896 Fulfilling desire 7897Than live in a state of psychosis. 7898% 7899If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies? 7900% 7901If God doesn't destroy San Francisco, 7902He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah. 7903% 7904If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white. 7905% 7906If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs. 7907 -- Malcolm Bradbury 7908% 7909If God had wanted people to give blow 7910jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth. 7911% 7912If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy, 7913would He have made it look like a taco? 7914% 7915If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound? 7916% 7917If I could reach, I'd never leave the house. 7918 -- George Carlin 7919% 7920If I had a penis I'd wear it outside, 7921In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride. 7922If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper 7923I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper. 7924If I had a penis I'd take it to parties 7925Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties. 7926I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay. 7927I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day. 7928 7929I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts. 7930I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts. 7931I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet; 7932I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it. 7933If I had a penis I'd run to my mother; 7934Comb out the hair and compare it to brother. 7935I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge... 7936Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge. 7937[Chorus] 7938 A penis to plunder, a penis to push 7939 'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush. 7940 A penis to love me, a penis to share, 7941 To pick up and play with when nobody's there. 7942 -- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy" 7943% 7944If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it. 7945 -- Tommy Earl Bruner 7946% 7947If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. 7948 -- Rodney Dangerfield 7949% 7950If it's not one thing, it's a mother. 7951% 7952If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible 7953carpenter. 7954 -- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood 7955% 7956If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot 7957to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think 7958the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* 7959pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get 7960lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets 7961lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and 7962think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive 7963Net Mail ... 7964 -- Casey Leedom 7965% 7966If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon. 7967% 7968If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. 7969% 7970If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads. 7971% 7972If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to 7973masturbate. 7974 -- Diogenes the Cynic 7975% 7976If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country. 7977 -- Mel Brooks 7978% 7979If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong. 7980% 7981If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would 7982suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is 7983only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them 7984in 1966, only two went back to women. 7985 -- Mort Sahl 7986% 7987If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em. 7988If they can, then fuck 'em. 7989% 7990If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out. 7991If thy dick offends thee, whack it off. 7992% 7993If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently? 7994% 7995If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs. 7996% 7997If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite. 7998% 7999If you find for your verse there's no call, 8000And you can't afford paper at all, 8001 For the true poet born, 8002 However forlorn, 8003There is always the lavat'ry wall. 8004% 8005If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish. 8006 -- Lenny Bruce 8007% 8008If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off? 8009% 8010If your thesis is utterly vacuous, 8011Employ first-order predicate calculus. 8012 With sufficient formality, 8013 The sheerest banality, 8014Will be hailed by all as miraculous! 8015% 8016If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic 8017abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues). 8018% 8019If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small 8020town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning. Because you're 8021screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning, 8022... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the 8023night. 8024 -- Lenny Bruce 8025% 8026If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written 8027in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing 8028friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out 8029like one or the other of you planned. 8030% 8031If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens 8032when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin? 8033% 8034If you're speaking of actions immoral 8035The how about giving the laurel 8036 To doughty Queen Esther, 8037 No three men could best her -- 8038One fore, and one aft, and one oral. 8039% 8040Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse 8041D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse; 8042 Il la mene chaque soir 8043 A son caveau noir 8044Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses. 8045 -- Edward Gorey 8046% 8047Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon, 8048Qui n'avait que peu de religion. 8049 Il dit:"quant a' moi, 8050 Je deteste tous les trois, 8051Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-" 8052% 8053Il y avait un plombier, Francois, 8054Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois. 8055 Dit-elle, "Arretez! 8056 J'entends quelqu'un venait." 8057Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi." 8058% 8059Il y avait une madame de Lahore 8060Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure, 8061 Mais la vagine tres forte, 8062 Toujours ouverte la porte, 8063Encore, et encore, et encore. 8064% 8065"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't 8066doin' too well. I ain't sold one all month. 8067 "You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied. "The other day, I went 8068out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she 8069always does. So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters. When I sat 8070down again, she kicked me like she always does. So I tied her leg to the 8071side of the stall. When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking 8072aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall. And I'll 8073tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was 8074gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!" 8075% 8076I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year. 8077 -- Rodney Dangerfield 8078% 8079I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body! 8080 -- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived 8081% 8082I'm a lover not a dancer! 8083I'm a lover not a dancer! 8084Don't want to be on my feet, 8085When I can be on my back, 8086Don't want to be on the floor, 8087When I can be in the sack! 8088I'm a lover not a dancer! 8089I'm a lover not a dancer! 8090I'm just a little bit tired 8091If you know what I mean, 8092Don't want to be in a crowd 8093When I can be in a dream! 8094I'm a lover not a dancer! 8095Baby! 8096And, baby, let me prove it to you, 8097Baby, let me prove it to you! 8098 -- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants" 8099% 8100I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows. 8101 -- Martin Cruz Smith 8102% 8103I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade. 8104 -- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees 8105 in the shade. 8106 8107Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is 8108dropped. 8109 -- Franklyn Ajaye 8110% 8111I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, 8112it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French 8113government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. 8114 -- Groucho Marx 8115% 8116I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's 8117goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps 8118-- heavy goyish, dangerous. Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are 8119goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. 8120Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are 8121very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is 8122very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them. 8123 -- Lenny Bruce 8124% 8125I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways. 8126 -- J.F. Kennedy 8127% 8128I'm not a pheasant plucker, 8129I'm a pheasant plucker's son. 8130I'm just a'plucking pheasants 8131'Til the pheasant plucker comes. 8132 -- The Irish Rovers 8133% 8134"I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway." 8135 -- NPR 8136% 8137I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front! 8138 -- Rodney Dangerfield's wife 8139% 8140I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here 8141 -- Song title by Stephen Bishop. 8142 8143She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft 8144 -- Song title by Jerry Reed. 8145 8146When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care? 8147 -- Song title by Lewis Grizzard. 8148 8149I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling 8150 -- Unattributed song title. 8151 8152Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life 8153 -- Unattributed song title. 8154% 8155I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail. I tried to change my 8156girlfriend's name. Yeah, I went down to the hall of records. I said, "I'd 8157like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!" 8158 -- Sam Kinison 8159% 8160I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans.... 8161 8162Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby, 8163 I'm getting WARM.... 8164 8165I am getting there, oh yes,. Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH! 8166 ...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!! 8167 8168Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time, 8169couldn't you please input a little SLOWER? 8170% 8171Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable. 8172Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table. 8173David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel, 8174And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel. 8175There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist. 8176Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed! 8177 8178John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, 8179On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill. 8180Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day. 8181Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, 8182Hobbes was fond of his dram, 8183And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am". 8184Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed; 8185A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed! 8186 -- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song" 8187% 8188impotent loser, n: 8189 Someone who can't even get his hopes up. 8190% 8191In 1953, Stalin dies. The politburo holds a special meeting to decide 8192what to do about the body. Nobody will let it be buried near their home. 8193Finally they decide: 8194 "Aha! Call Israel! Offer them ten million rubels; they'll let us 8195bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits... 8196Finally a telegram comes back: 8197 "NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY" 8198% 8199In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay 8200chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the 8201principal factor. The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been 8202sucked into it. 8203% 8204In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh 8205Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too. 8206 His wife said, "Oh, stuff 8207 That philosophy guff 8208Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!" 8209% 8210In cosmetics, there's cases of revolutionary Venus Envy Hair Spray; 8211Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow 8212with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon 8213Maid and Stuck Pig Strength; and deported Italian Napagel Balls for 8214soaking or eating; and they're all slash-priced with the lady in mind... 8215 -- Firesign Theatre 8216% 8217In days of old, when knights were bold, 8218 And rubbers weren't invented, 8219They tied their socks around their cocks 8220 And babies were prevented. 8221% 8222In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth, 8223Who doesn't know gin from vermouth, 8224 But this lubricant lapse 8225 Isn't noticed, perhaps 8226Because nobody does in Duluth. 8227% 8228In France they piss on Main Street 8229(In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display). 8230 -- Joni Mitchell 8231% 8232In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of 8233its magazine, for married men. Every month it has the same centerfold. 8234% 8235In my sweet little Alice Blue gown 8236Was the first time I ever laid down, 8237 I was both proud and shy 8238 As he opened his fly 8239And the moment I saw it I thought I would die. 8240 8241Oh it hung almost down to the ground, 8242As it went in I made not a sound, 8243 The more that he shoved it 8244 The more that I loved it, 8245As he came on my Alice Blue gown. 8246% 8247In my sweet little night gown of blue, 8248On the first night that I slept with you, 8249 I was both shy and scared 8250 As the bed was prepared, 8251And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue. 8252 8253As we both watched the break of day, 8254And in peaceful submission I lay, 8255 You said you adored it 8256 But dammit, you tore it, 8257My sweet little night gown of blue. 8258% 8259In outer space, nobody can hear you fart. 8260% 8261In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless 8262he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client 8263has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated 8264that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time 8265ago." 8266 -- Dennis Miller, SNL News 8267% 8268In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form. 8269And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto 8270their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks." 8271 8272And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, 8273"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." 8274Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, 8275"It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none 8276may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head 8277spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel 8278of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength." 8279 8280And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical 8281Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is 8282very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the 8283Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the 8284growth of the Laboratories." 8285 8286And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good! 8287% 8288In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their 8289beauty and delicacy. A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the 8290evening, who took him to her apartment. They made delicious love all 8291evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms. In the morning 8292the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror. The lady lay in her 8293bed watching him. Finally, she said softly, 8294 "Didn't you forget something?" 8295 "What did I forget?" asked the officer. 8296 "You forgot about the money," said the lady. 8297 "Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention. 8298"A Polish officer never accepts money." 8299% 8300In the shade of the old apple tree 8301Where between her fat legs I could see 8302 A little brown spot 8303 With the hair in a knot, 8304And it certainly looked good to me. 8305 8306I asked as I tickled her tit 8307If she thought that my big thing would fit. 8308 She said it would do 8309 So we had a good screw In the shade of the old apple tree 8310In the shade of the old apple tree. I got all that was coming to me. 8311 In the soft dewy grass 8312I could hear the dull buzz of the bee I had a fine piece of ass 8313As he sunk his grub hooks into me. From a maiden that was fine to see. 8314 Her ass it was fine 8315 But you should have seen mine 8316In the shade of the old apple tree. 8317% 8318In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're 8319kissing on every pitch. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's 8320kissing him on the balls. 8321 -- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster 8322% 8323Incest, n: 8324 Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy. 8325% 8326Infatuation, n: 8327 When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat. 8328 When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants. 8329% 8330Inspite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe 8331is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. 8332% 8333==================== 8334Inter-Dwarf Memo 8335To: Dwarf-list 8336From: Doc 8337Re: S. White 8338 8339 If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill 8340her. I'll give her apples, nice big apples. With surprises inside. Yeah, 8341surprises. 8342% 8343==================== 8344Inter-Dwarf Memo 8345To: Dwarf-list 8346From: Happy 8347Re: S. White 8348 8349 Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one 8350more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off. Have a nice day. 8351% 8352Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf. Since 8353the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of 8354cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him 8355a cardinal and let him play in your place. Tell Shamir you couldn't make it." 8356 Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him. 8357When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done. "I came 8358in second," Palmer replied. 8359 "You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?" 8360 "No, Your Holiness. Rabbi Nicklaus did." 8361% 8362It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be 8363classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck". 8364% 8365It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and 8366it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight 8367into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. 8368 -- Voltaire 8369% 8370It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all. 8371% 8372It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus. 8373% 8374It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the 8375general and lust for its destruction in the particular. 8376% 8377It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet. 8378% 8379It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. 8380Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other 8381half are doing it. 8382 -- Winston Churchill 8383% 8384It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it is one 8385damn thing over and over. 8386 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 8387% 8388It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning. 8389You never know who you'll meet later in the day. 8390% 8391It is one of the superstitions of the human mind 8392to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue. 8393 -- Voltaire 8394% 8395It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that 8396could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, 8397broad-hipped, and short-legged race. 8398 -- Schopenhauer 8399% 8400It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the 8401war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by 8402teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse 8403to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes 8404mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that 8405the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which 8406means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine 8407of a diabetic ..." 8408 By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the 8409registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw-colored 8410fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then 8411startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his 8412finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed 8413his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample 8414was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, 8415all of us foolishly licked that finger. 8416 "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first 8417principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled. 8418We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some 8419anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said 8420continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but 8421licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps. 8422% 8423It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because 8424if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still. 8425Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female, 8426but there's just no way for us to know it. 8427 -- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep. 8428% 8429It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing! 8430% 8431It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a 8432very unfortunate place to have it. 8433 -- Malcolm Muggeridge 8434% 8435It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one 8436sunny afternoon. All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle 8437of the lake. After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that 8438"nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore. In 8439a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in. 8440 The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention 8441the apparent miracle. 8442 A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a 8443moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes 8444later came back. 8445 By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his 8446beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian 8447teachings. But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST 8448AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything 8449they could do, with God's help, he could do as well. 8450 The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to 8451shore. He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the 8452lake. While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to 8453the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the 8454rocks are?" 8455% 8456It seems that a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar. The Scot 8457immediately singled out the bartender and proclaimed that drinks were 8458on the house, and that he expected him to serve only his best. The next 8459day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar. 8460% 8461It seems that John gets this phone call: 8462 "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end of the line 8463is hard and cold. 8464 "This is Susan," he hears. "We met at a party a few months 8465ago. 8466 "Of course, Susan!", John replies. "How are you?" 8467 "Not very well. Remember how after the party you took me home and 8468we parked? And you told me that I was a 'good sport'? Well, I'm pregnant 8469and I'm going to kill myself tonight." 8470 John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts. "Well," 8471he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport." 8472% 8473It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions. He 8474was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released. Being 8475a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for 8476forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded 8477from eating him for its breakfast. Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop 8478but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the 8479Christian took off too. There they were, running around and around the arena, 8480the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between 8481gasps for breath. The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could 8482even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet. So he 8483pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him, 8484he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith, 8485forsaking all temptation and possessions. Suddenly he no longer felt the 8486lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him. 8487Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled 8488upward, paws held together. The lion appeared to be muttering something so 8489the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying. 8490 "Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..." 8491% 8492It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes. 8493Especially in a paternity hearing. 8494% 8495It takes leather balls to play rugby. 8496 (Blood makes the grass grow!) 8497% 8498It takes little strain and no art 8499To bang out an echoing fart. 8500 The reaction is hearty 8501 When you fart at a party, 8502But the sensitive persons depart. 8503% 8504It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home. 8505They can kiss that shit goodbye. 8506% 8507It was a female that drove me to drink 8508and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her. 8509 -- R.E. Baber 8510% 8511It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. 8512They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and 8513the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting 8514excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse 8515off and we'll see what he does?" 8516 At first she refused. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took 8517off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and 8518jumping up and down. 8519 "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all 8520your clothes and we'll see what he does." 8521 Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape 8522really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around 8523in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to 8524the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. 8525 "Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!" 8526% 8527It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the 8528frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the 8529bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me." 8530 "We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender 8531answered sternly. 8532 "OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments." 8533 The bartender approached the female in question. "The, uh, gentleman 8534at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss. What would 8535you like?" 8536 "Vinegar and water." 8537% 8538It was April the 41st, 8539Being a quadruple leap year. 8540I was driving in down-town Atlantis. 8541My Barracuda was in the shop, 8542So I was in a rented stingray 8543 -- and it was over-heating. 8544So, I pulled into a Shell station. 8545They said I'd blown a seal. 8546I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private 8547 life out of it, okay pal?" 8548 -- Wet Dreams 8549% 8550It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had 8551gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag 8552line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself. 8553Turning to another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't 8554they beautiful?" 8555 "Just fair," was the answer. 8556 "You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another, 8557asked his opinion. 8558 "They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited 8559about." 8560 "Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse. "Now 8561you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?" 8562 "To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs; 8563I'm a tit mouse myself." 8564% 8565It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze. 8566"Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last. It's all like a wonderful 8567dream!" 8568 Her husband didn't answer. A few moments passed. She sighed again 8569and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true." 8570 Still no response from her spouse. Another pause and another 8571sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your 8572wife." 8573 "Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied, 8574you will!" 8575% 8576It was his third marriage and her fourth. He was quite surprised when on 8577their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." 8578 "Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin? You've been 8579married three times." 8580 "Yes, but they all worked for DEC. The first was a salesman, 8581and all he ever did was promise how good it would be. The second was one 8582of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself. And the 8583third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it 8584would be up in 15 minutes. 8585% 8586It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday 8587trappings. The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's 8588knitting needles. The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated 8589in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book. 8590Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker. Jane climbed up on 8591the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap. 8592 "Tell us a story," begged Mary. 8593 "Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping 8594her arms around the children. "What story should I tell you?" 8595 "Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly. 8596"About the time you were a hooker in Chicago." 8597% 8598It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up 8599not doing it. That was one thing I kept to myself. I've never spoken or 8600written of it until just now, today. And I have to tell you that it seems 8601a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential. But for me it was 8602the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found 8603myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life -- 8604my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing 8605where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there 8606was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us 8607our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an 8608oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died. I 8609would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of 8610her ears, the white flash of her tail. But eight hundred million Red Chinese 8611don't give a shit, right? The most important things are the hardest to say, 8612because words diminish them. It's hard to make strangers care about the 8613good things in your life. 8614 -- Stephen King, "The Body" 8615% 8616It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman 8617was learning his way around the campus. Stopping a distinguished looking 8618upperclassman, he inquired, 8619 "Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?" 8620 "My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our 8621sentences with a preposition." 8622 "All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library 8623is at, asshole?" 8624% 8625It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a 8626huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous. At lights-out, the inmate 8627jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to 8628have sex! You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?" 8629 A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess 8630I'll be the Daddy." 8631 "OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!" 8632% 8633It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean. It's not listening, you know 8634what I mean. 8635 -- David Crosby 8636% 8637It's a bitch being butch. 8638% 8639It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything 8640on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married. 8641% 8642It's a question of Napleon brandy versus Ripple. 8643I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth. 8644 -- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal 8645 of older women versus younger women 8646% 8647"It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning 8648in the wee, small hours. "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so 8649soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!" 8650% 8651It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up. 8652 -- Joan Rivers 8653% 8654It's better to be pissed off than pissed on. 8655% 8656It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying. 8657% 8658It's midnight. The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as his 865920-year-old son comes in. 8660 8661 "Whatta you mean? You staya out alla night, you runna around widda 8662bums. Whatta you trying to do?" 8663 "Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy. 8664 "Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that? You no work, you 8665chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?" 8666 "Papa, *please* don't talk like that." 8667 "Don'ta talka like that? Whatta you mean? Why shouldn't I talka 8668likka that?" 8669 "Papa, we're not Italian." 8670% 8671It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame. 8672 -- Sean O'Huiginn 8673% 8674It's not pretty being easy. 8675% 8676It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs. 8677% 8678It's so fuckin' great to be alive! 8679% 8680It's the sighs that count. 8681% 8682I've been feeling kind of jealous, 8683Of all them well-hung fellas, 8684Like Michael, Rod, and Mick. It would have to be a big one, 8685Tell me, Doctor can you mend me? A giant, horny love gun, 8686I've a case of penis envy -- To let me be a jock. 8687If I only had a dick. Girls would never beg my pardon, 8688 They would turn on to my hardon -- 8689 If I only had a cock. 8690Oh, I can tell you now, 8691The number of times I'd score, 8692I could fuck girls like I would not be just a housewife, 8693 I never have before, Living a little mouse-life 8694And then I'd cum (wee!) In days that drag out long. 8695And fuck some more! I would dance and I'd be merry 8696 Life would be a ding-a-derry 8697 If I only had a dong! 8698 -- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz 8699% 8700I've been told that it's far more sensous to have a woman leave something 8701on rather than being totally nude. Myself, I've always felt that the lights 8702were more than enough. 8703% 8704I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year; 8705and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me 8706to leave under your tree on Christmas. I was going to bring you all the 8707gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here. 8708The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with 8709the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight 8710maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing 8711weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying. The 8712four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge 8713in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit. On top of all this, Mrs. 8714Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves 8715have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled 8716Christmas for the fifth of February. I'll do what I can. 8717 Sincerely, 8718 Santa 8719% 8720I've finally found the perfect girl, 8721I couldn't ask for more, 8722She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed, 8723And owns a liquor store. 8724% 8725I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket. 8726 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 8727 8728Don't see 'em this big out here, do they? 8729 -- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a 8730 public toilet during a tour of the Far East 8731% 8732Jack an Jill went up the hill. 8733Jill went down, 8734Jack came. 8735% 8736Jack and Jill went up a hill 8737To fetch a pail of water. 8738Jack fell down and broke his crown Jack on Jill produced a thrill 8739And Jill came tumbling after. When on the ground he got her, 8740 Then went down and told the town 8741 He tumbled Jill and gaffed her. 8742Jack to Jill thus did such ill 8743That Jill, to pay the rotter, 8744Told the town Jack's crown broke down Jack and Jill have split the bill 8745When he set out to shaft her. Since Jack led Jill to totter. 8746 Half the town deals Jill a frown 8747 And half greets Jack with laughter. 8748% 8749Jack and Jill went up the hill 8750Each had a buck and a quarter. 8751Jill came down with two and a half -- 8752And you thought that they went for water. 8753% 8754Jack and Jill 8755Went up the hill, 8756Each had a buck and a quarter! 8757Jill came down, 8758With two and a half, 8759You think they went for water? 8760% 8761Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. 8762Jack jumped over the candle stick, 8763And burnt his balls. 8764% 8765Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, 8766Jack jumped over the candle stick. 8767But Jack wasn't so nimble, 8768Jack wasn't so quick, 8769So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick! 8770% 8771Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet! 8772% 8773Jesus died for your sins... make it worth his time. 8774% 8775Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death 8776and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one 8777among you who is without sin cast the first stone..." 8778 Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits 8779Jesus upside the head. He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon! 8780I'm trying to make a point, here!" 8781% 8782Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork. 8783% 8784Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin. 8785 -- Michael O'Donohugh 8786% 8787Jesus Never Fails 8788 8789(He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.) 8790% 8791Jesus Saves! 8792 8793(And Esposito scores on the rebound!) 8794% 8795Jesus Saves, 8796Moses Invests, 8797But only Buddha pays Dividends. 8798% 8799Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. 8800% 8801Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food. 8802 -- From the movie "My Favorite Year". 8803% 8804Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were 8805on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink. 8806 "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the 8807women and children aboard the lifeboats first." 8808 "Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted. 8809 "Do we have time?" Hart asked. 8810 "Do we have time?" Biden asked. 8811 "Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked. 8812% 8813Joan of Arc is alive and medium well. 8814% 8815John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing 8816his lips to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark: 8817 "The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on 8818the women!" 8819% 8820Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics: 8821 Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull 8822 over to the side of the road. 8823% 8824Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get 8825a prompt, type like hell. 8826% 8827Just go with the flow control, roll with the 8828crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell. 8829% 8830Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of 8831blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys 8832like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky 8833or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character. If Jesus Christ 8834came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the 8835nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim. Then we'd get 8836crucified in the morning. 8837 -- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull 8838% 8839Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep 8840are scared and the women are grateful. 8841% 8842kasha, n: 8843 Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one 8844 problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"? 8845 I know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help you 8846 much. 8847 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 8848% 8849Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: 8850 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex 8851 for the students, and parking for the faculty. 8852% 8853King Louis gave a lesson in class, 8854One time while enjoying a lass. 8855 When she used the word "Damn" 8856 He rebuked her: "Please ma'am, 8857Keep a more civil tongue in my ass." 8858% 8859Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are 8860sincere. I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere. As 8861for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right. 8862 -- Margaret Sangor 8863% 8864Kitten with a whip, Teddy bear in chains, Puss in leather boots, 8865tail, swish swish, spread on a bed; rising thigh high; 8866take what you will, fantasy games, black rubber suits; 8867get what you wish. deep in your head. making him cry. 8868 8869Squirm from the blows, Now pussy's all hot, Teddy bear sighs; 8870writhe from the pain; from the power trip; kitty's on top; 8871but teddy bear knows, ready or not, there's fire in her eyes, 8872that he wants it again. next swing's from and the cat won't stop. 8873 the hip. 8874 8875The world explodes, Teddy's still tied; Kitten with a whip, 8876her claws dig in; lying all alone; tail, swish swish, 8877then kitty cat goes, even if he tried, take what you will, 8878cause she's through he couldn't go home. get what you wish. 8879 with him. 8880 -- Kitten With A Whip 8881% 8882Knowledge Engineering: 8883 8884A combination of: 8885 8886Engineering, n: 8887 The application of science and mathematics by which the properties 8888of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in 8889structures, machines, products, systems and processes. 8890 8891and 8892 8893Knowledge, n: 8894 Sexual intercourse. 8895 8896See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship. 8897% 8898Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating 8899fruitful confusion. Lorenz lived among his research subjects: dozens of 8900species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes. He did not quantify, control, 8901or consciously experiment. He got to know each creature individually, then 8902threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre 8903in the chaos that followed. For example, his interest in one of ethology's 8904most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning, 8905such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before 8906flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment. He had trained a free-flying 8907raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several 8908hours one day. He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of 8909meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill. By and by, Lorenz 8910went to relieve himself near a hedge. When the raven saw him put his hand 8911into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily 8912grasping the new mouthful in its bill. Lorenz howled in pain. But the event 8913left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to 8914intention movements, that is. 8915 -- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science. 8916% 8917Kotex, n: 8918 Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best. 8919% 8920Kumquat, n: 8921 Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and 8922 somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves. 8923 Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse. In fact, 8924 an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment 8925 sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat" 8926 during orgasm. 8927 8928 Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your 8929 partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake. 8930% 8931Labia majora, n: 8932 The curly gates. 8933% 8934Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!" 8935Pro: "Ummm, well, where?" 8936Lady: "Between the 1st and 2nd holes." 8937Pro: "That's going to real tough to treat." 8938% 8939lagnaf, n: 8940 Let's All Get Naked And Fuck! 8941% 8942Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. 8943% 8944"Last night," said a lassie named Ruth, 8945"In a long-distance telephone booth, 8946 I enjoyed the perfection 8947 Of an ideal connection -- 8948I was screwed, if you must know the truth." 8949% 8950Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe. 8951% 8952lawyer, n: 8953 Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too 8954 closely." 8955% 8956Lawyers do it to everyone. 8957% 8958Left a good broad by the river, 8959Traveled back into town just to get some rest! 8960Waited for 10 hours, 8961Went back to the river, 8962But I couldn't get her out of that mess! 8963 8964chorus: 8965 Poor Mary Jo Kopechne, 8966 Dead Mary Jo Kopechne, 8967 Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window! 8968 8969If you're gonna run for office, 8970And you know that it's an election year. 8971Don't go in the river, 8972'Specially by way of bridges, 8973It could put an end to your political career! 8974(chorus) 8975 -- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary" 8976% 8977"Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky... In yer country, ya got 14 million black 8978people, and 3 million white people. Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything 8979to you?" 8980 -- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to Prime 8981 Minister Botha of South Africa. 8982% 8983Les salons de la ville de Trieste 8984Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes; 8985 Parmi les grandes chaises 8986 On cause des malaises, 8987Des estropiements, et des pestes. 8988 -- Edward Gorey 8989% 8990Let a Field Service Engineer put it in. 8991% 8992Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been 8993disqualified from entering. 8994 Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?" 8995 "Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered. 8996 "I never did that," Liberace replied. "Can't you check your records? 8997They *must* be wrong!" 8998 "It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse 8999parakeet with black trim." 9000 "Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace 9001replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..." 9002% 9003LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) 9004 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with 9005reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for 9006employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are 9007prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease. 9008% 9009Lick-a-dee-clit! 9010% 9011Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute. 9012% 9013Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite. 9014It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ... 9015% 9016Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't. 9017 -- Rodney Dangerfield 9018% 9019Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's 9020in your hand, the next it's up your ass. 9021% 9022Life is like a penis: when it's soft you 9023can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked. 9024% 9025Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread 9026you have, the less shit you have to eat. 9027% 9028Life is not a cabaret. 9029It's a fucking circus. 9030% 9031Life isn't a bitch. Life is a virgin. A bitch is easy. 9032% 9033Like private parts to the Gods are we, 9034they play with us for their sport. 9035 -- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2) 9036% 9037Limericks are art forms complex, 9038Their topics run chiefly to sex. 9039 They usually have virgins, 9040 And masculine urgin's, 9041And other erotic effects. 9042% 9043Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you, 9044Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue. 9045Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through, 9046'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you. 9047 -- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar" 9048% 9049Lisp hackers 9050 ... do it in CARS. 9051 ... do it with tail recursion. 9052 ... first do it in the front, then do it in the back. 9053 ... have DEFUN while doing it. 9054 ... have to be bound to do it. 9055 ... have Moby dicks. 9056% 9057Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ... 9058% 9059Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper. 9060% 9061Little Boy Blew... he needed the money. 9062% 9063LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the 9064'little death' of French poetry. Men occasionally do the same. The 9065experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner 9066cold. A friend of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept 9067with. On recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that." 9068By then he had called the police and an ambulance. So there is no cause 9069for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter, 9070or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go along 9071with complete orgasm in some people. By contrast others simply shut their 9072eyes, but enjoy it no less. Sound and fury can be a flattering testimony 9073to a partners skills, but a fallacious one, because they don't depend on the 9074intensity of feeling, nor it upon them. 9075 -- The Joy of Sex 9076% 9077Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother 9078told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra 9079hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning. The next 9080morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard 9081the night before. 9082 "Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!" 9083 "Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that 9084your prayers have been answered." 9085Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out, 9086 "Mother! Mother! I still can't see!" 9087 "I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool." 9088% 9089Little Johnny with a grin, 9090Drank up all of daddy's gin, 9091Mother said, when he was plastered, 9092Go to bed, you little love-child. 9093% 9094Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the 90951950's were uttered by June Cleaver. 9096 "Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?" 9097% 9098Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, 9099Eating her curds and whey. 9100Along came a spider, 9101And bit her right in the snatch. 9102% 9103Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet, 9104Eating her curds and whey. 9105Along came a spider, 9106Who sat down beside her, 9107And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?" 9108% 9109Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, 9110Her knickers all tattered and torn. 9111For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her, 9112But Little Boy Blue with his horn! 9113% 9114Little Miss Muffet, 9115Sat on her tuffet, 9116Smoking some THC. 9117Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her 9118And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!" 9119% 9120Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit 9121her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree. 9122 "Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you." 9123 "Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily, 9124"Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?" 9125% 9126Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies. 9127When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife 9128raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled. When he told his 9129distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only 9130stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a 9131black hat and a red neckerchief. 9132 The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villian. 9133He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after 9134dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but 9135had just departed; usually after some heinous crime. 9136 One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his 9137horse, and entered the saloon. At a table in the corner sat an ugly man, 9138with a black hat and a red neckerchief! Slowly the cowboy stalked up to 9139this man, his hands resting upon his guns. 9140 "Are you the man who killed my family, raped my wife, burned my 9141house and rustled my cattle?" 9142 "Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit. 9143 "You better cut that shit out!" 9144% 9145Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave. 9146 -- Louis B. Mayer 9147 9148The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral 9149was because they wanted to make sure he was dead. 9150 -- Samuel Goldwyn 9151% 9152Love comes in spurts. 9153% 9154Love comes in spurts. 9155 --Devo, "Please Please" 9156% 9157Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam. 9158 -- James Thurber 9159% 9160Love is eating her even when she's not having her period. 9161% 9162Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever. 9163% 9164Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant 9165twang of a bedspring. 9166 -- S.J. Perelman 9167% 9168Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds. 9169 -- Johnny Rotten 9170% 9171Love letters no longer they write us, 9172To their homes they so seldom invite us. 9173 It grieves me to say, 9174 They have learned with dismay, 9175We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'. 9176% 9177Luser, n: 9178 Someone who picks up a female 9179 hitch-hiker walking home from a date. 9180% 9181Ma Bell runs a baudy house. 9182% 9183Macho, adj: 9184 Jogging home from a vasectomy. 9185% 9186Male, n: 9187 Life support system for a cock. 9188% 9189Man in stall: 9190 Hey, buddy? Is there any toilet paper out there? 9191Man at sink: 9192 No, I don't see any. Just a second... Nope, none in 9193 any of the other stalls either. 9194A minute passes. 9195Man in stall: 9196 Say, buddy? 9197Man at sink: 9198 Yeah? 9199Man in stall: 9200 You got change for a ten? 9201% 9202Man who dance in crowded ballroom 9203dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him. 9204% 9205Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up. 9206% 9207Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent, 9208Some say not even indecent. 9209But if you lust, 9210It's a must! 9211% 9212Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity. 9213% 9214Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but 9215because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the 9216satisfaction of his death. 9217 -- Brendan Francis 9218% 9219Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would 9220not have chosen a suit by it. 9221 -- Maurice Chevalier 9222% 9223Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the 9224whole girl. 9225 -- Stephen Leacock 9226% 9227Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with 9228a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise. 9229% 9230Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God 9231is a cruel and capricious tyrant. 9232 -- Edward Gibbon 9233% 9234Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. 9235But she can never catch him at it. 9236% 9237Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced. 9238% 9239Many nice things suck. 9240% 9241Marijuana is like Coors beer. If you could buy the damn stuff 9242at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it. 9243 -- Billy Carter 9244% 9245Marlene wanted Joy to relent, 9246She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent. 9247 If you want to get laid, 9248 Then we'll have to tribade!" 9249(But Joy didn't know what she meant.) 9250% 9251Marriage has driven more than one man to sex. 9252 -- Peter De Vries 9253% 9254Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, 9255you lose interest. 9256 -- Professor Irwin Corey 9257% 9258Mary had a little lamb, 9259It's fleece as white as snow. 9260It followed her to school one day, 9261And got fucked by a big black dog. 9262% 9263Mary had a little lamb, 9264She kept it in a bucket. 9265And every time she let it out, 9266The bulldog used to 9267Chase it around the garden. 9268% 9269Mary had a little lamb, 9270The lamb turned out to be a ram, 9271Now Mary has a little lamb. 9272% 9273Mary had a little sheep, 9274And with the sheep she went to sleep, 9275The sheep turned out to be a ram, 9276And Mary had a little lamb. 9277% 9278Mary had a little watch; 9279She swallowed it one day. 9280And so she took some Ex-Lax 9281To pass the time away. 9282 9283But when she took the Ex-Lax 9284The time it did not pass. 9285So when you want to know the time, 9286Just look up Mary's ... 9287 Uncle, he has a watch, too. 9288% 9289Masturbation! The amazing availability of it! 9290 -- James Joyce 9291% 9292masturbation, n: 9293 A self-service elevator. 9294% 9295masturbation, n: 9296 Coming unscrewed. 9297% 9298Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex. 9299% 9300Mathematicians 9301 ... do it in groups. 9302 ... do it in theory. 9303 ... take it to the limit. 9304% 9305Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part. 9306% 9307Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is 9308described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can play. 9309 -- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time" 9310% 9311May a deranged midget on a pogo stick 9312take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt. 9313% 9314May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister. 9315% 9316May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H. 9317% 9318May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow! 9319% 9320Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low 9321opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer! 9322% 9323McCoy's a seducer galore, 9324And of virgins he has quite a score. 9325 He tells them, "My dear, 9326 You're the Final Frontier, 9327Where man never has gone before." 9328% 9329McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: 9330 If an item is advertised as "under $50", 9331 you can bet your ass it's not $19.95. 9332% 9333McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of 9334the passengers who were injured. 9335 "You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw 9336the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour. What did you 9337think when you saw this happen ?" 9338 I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run 9339a railroad." 9340% 9341Me father makes book on the corner, 9342Me mother makes second hand gin, 9343Me sister makes love for a dollar, 9344And that's how the money rolls in! 9345 9346 Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in! 9347 (Rolls in!) 9348 Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in! 9349 9350Me father sells cheap prophylactics, 9351Me mum pokes the tips with a pin, 9352Me sister performs the abortions, 9353And that's how the money rolls in! 9354 9355Me uncle's a poor missionary, 9356He saves fallen women from sin. 9357He'll save you a blonde for five dollars, 9358And that's how the money rolls in. 9359% 9360Me, I love the rich. *Somebody* has to love them. Sure, a lot 9361of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people 9362are assholes too. And an asshole with money can at least pay 9363for his own drinks. 9364 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 9365% 9366Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates! 9367% 9368Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but 9369they jus' kept on a-comin'. Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up. 9370And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised 9371as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand. 9372% 9373Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes, 9374Afflicted with psychotic warps. 9375 His idea of fun 9376 Is to bugger a nun, 9377And then vomit all over the corpse. 9378% 9379Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on 9380 ME, waiting for ME to make my move!" 9381 9382(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!" 9383 9384Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!" 9385% 9386Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 9387'em by the curb when you're done. 9388% 9389Men have many faults, 9390 Women only two: 9391Everything they say, 9392 And everything they do! 9393% 9394Men will fuck mud. 9395 -- Lenny Bruce 9396% 9397menage a trois, n: 9398 Using both hands to masturbate. 9399% 9400Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines 9401also often feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female 9402body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and 9403should not be seen by the light of day. 9404 -- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different" 9405% 9406Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it 9407has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very 9408closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing 9409the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... 9410 9411 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important 9412 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the 9413 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] 9414 9415... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your 9416cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of 9417billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even more 9418interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your 9419skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells, 9420who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice 9421views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so 9422much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below. 9423 -- Dave Barry 9424% 9425Meteorologist, n: 9426 A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether. 9427% 9428Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which 9429the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse. A few days later Mickey meets 9430with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues: 9431 9432Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you. 9433Mickey : Oh? 9434Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane. 9435Mickey : Idiot! I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was 9436 fuckin' Goofy. 9437% 9438Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote. Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his 9439wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 9440% 9441"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's 9442testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him!" 9443 -- Ripping Yarns 9444% 9445Missed the train at the railway station 9446Oh hell, blast, and damnation! 9447Asked a lady in there if she had the time, 9448She said "Yes", and a strong inclination. 9449% 9450Missionary position: 9451 The missionary on top. 9452% 9453Mistress Mary, quite contrary, 9454How does your garden grow? 9455With silver bells and cockle shells, 9456And one really fucked-up petunia. 9457% 9458Mistress, n: 9459 Something between a mister and a mattress. 9460% 9461mixed emotions: 9462 Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff... 9463 in your brand new Mercedes. 9464% 9465Montana: 9466 Where men are men and women are sheep. 9467% 9468Moody bitch in search of... 9469 kind, considerate, loving man. Objective, love-hate relationship. 9470% 9471Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice, 9472good-looking guy to dump on. 9473% 9474Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few 9475blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane 9476tickets on his bureau top. He returned and quietly entered the house. 9477His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing 9478the breakfast dishes. She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind 9479her, reached out, and squeezed her breast. 9480 "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here 9481for breakfast tomorrow." 9482% 9483Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss 9484out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel. 9485% 9486Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck. 9487% 9488Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. 9489 -- Frank Zappa 9490% 9491Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity 9492to be otherwise. 9493 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" 9494% 9495Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some. 9496% 9497Motto of the Electrical Engineer: 9498 Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: 9499 it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. 9500% 9501Moustache rides, 50 cents. 9502% 9503Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone! 9504% 9505Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot. He had just one 9506problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him 9507time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him 9508that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of 9509his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just 9510couldn't resist going next door. Besides, he figured she was bluffing. 9511 Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot 9512had been fucking his chickens again. Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just 9513took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers. 9514 That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house. Before it 9515started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front 9516door. "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano 9517tonight. Now, don't you dare move." 9518 Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare, 9519and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano. 9520Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they 9521arrived, he would say hello to them. Just then, two bald-headed men came to 9522the door. 9523 Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you 9524chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!" 9525% 9526Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks; 9527Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks. 9528 When he's under the weather 9529 They can't get together, 9530So others get into her box. 9531% 9532Murphy's Discovery: 9533 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk 9534 to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and 9535 everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine 9536 months later, you're in trouble! 9537% 9538Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasichism 9539fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really 9540understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after 9541being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out: I'm in uniform, 9542they're not. I'm standing up, they're lying down. I'm doing painful 9543things to them for their own good. This is so ME." 9544 -- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled: 9545 "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat 9546 of AIDS, book reveals" 9547% 9548My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer 9549dahlias. 9550 -- William Allen White 9551% 9552My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. 9553He goes around with his head stuck up his ass. 9554% 9555My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him 9556in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was 9557Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus. 9558 -- T. Bywater 9559% 9560My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my 9561family, it seems, begins where yours left off. 9562 -- Alexandre Dumas 9563% 9564My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards. 9565% 9566My godda bless, never I see sucha people. 9567 -- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale 9568% 9569My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall 9570and they stick. 9571 -- Johnny Bob 9572% 9573My jaw aches, my pussy is sore. 9574I simply can't fuck any more; 9575 I'm covered with sweat, 9576 And you haven't come yet, 9577And my God, it's a quarter to four! 9578 -- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint 9579% 9580My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend. 9581 -- Rodney Dangerfield 9582% 9583My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife. 9584 -- Friday 9585% 9586My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. One day my wife 9587came home early from work and found us in bed together. 9588 -- Lenny Bruce 9589% 9590My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret 9591vice, or self-abuse, among the young. Why hesitate to say firmly and without 9592quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness, 9593paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community? 9594 -- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine 9595 Publishing Company, 1895. Dr. Kellogg helped invent 9596 corn flakes and peanut butter. In addition to denouncing 9597 masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and 9598 that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a 9599 cannonball on the stomach. 9600% 9601My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I 9602want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want 9603to screw again as long as I live. 9604 -- Erica Jong 9605% 9606My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine. 9607% 9608My travel agent's an Oxford chap 9609Who rolls his eyes when he speaks. 9610I asked him about the Isle of Man 9611For a journey of about six weeks. 9612And this is what he said to me 9613As he looked me right in the eye, 9614"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip 9615Of Elephant Shit On Rye." 9616 9617A brand-new store just opened its door 9618At the corner of 5th and Vine 9619And I happened to be standing right outside 9620When they turned on their neon sign. 9621I heard a strange sound, I looked around, 9622And that's when I almost died, 9623They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town 9624To get their Elephant Shit On Rye! 9625% 9626`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava 9627I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava. 9628 The ship was all white 9629 But it creaked in the night, 9630And the band, they did not know la java." 9631 -- Edward Gorey 9632% 9633`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava 9634I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava. 9635 The ship was all white 9636 But it creaked in the night, 9637And the band, they did not know la java." 9638 -- Edward Gorey 9639% 9640My wife and I only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1967. 9641She's up to three packs a day. 9642 -- Rodney Dangerfield 9643% 9644My wife has breast cancer. She told me to start dating. 9645 -- Howard Stern 9646% 9647Naeser's Law: 9648 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof. 9649% 9650Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely. I confess I do not admire 9651naked boys. They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly 9652sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up. 9653 -- Lewis Carroll 9654% 9655Naked couple in bed, woman says to man: 9656 "When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks." 9657% 9658Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron... 9659seems he's making it hard for everyone but her. 9660% 9661National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf. 9662% 9663navel, n: 9664 A place to stash your gum on the way down. 9665% 9666Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows. 9667Watch who you sleep with. 9668% 9669necrophelia, n: 9670 Dead boring. 9671 9672incest, n: 9673 Relatively boring. 9674% 9675necrophilia, n: 9676 Dropping in for a cold one. 9677% 9678Need to buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep? 9679Try Fredricks of Ithaca, New York. 9680% 9681Negotiate my ass, let's kill something! 9682% 9683Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane. 9684 -- Gordon Cooper 9685% 9686"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work! Why do you think I CAME here?" 9687"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure." 9688% 9689Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds. 9690% 9691NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY: 9692 "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on 9693a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her 9694promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of 9695our "Big John" doll.) 9696% 9697New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House". 9698% 9699New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; 9700it's the asshole of the universe. 9701 -- Jonathan Michael Smith 9702% 9703New York: 9704 Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off. 9705% 9706Newlywed groom: 9707 Honey, I have something to confess to you. I'm a golfer. 9708 You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights, 9709 and weekends. I'm sorry. 9710Newlywed bride: 9711 I have something even worse to confess, dear. I'm a hooker. 9712Groom: 9713 Oh, honey, that's no problem! Just keep your head low and follow 9714 through... 9715% 9716Newsflash: 9717 Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally 9718predicted. All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest 9719of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world. 9720 Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from 9721expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out 9722to be. The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive 9723than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five, 9724living in Stenton, North Dakota. 9725% 9726Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool. 9727Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool. 9728 -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2) 9729% 9730Nice computers don't go down. 9731% 9732Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women. 9733% 9734Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman: 9735 1: Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat 9736 so the lid won't stay up. 9737 2: Tacos don't use your razor on their legs. 9738 3: Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me." 9739 4: Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun." 9740 5: Tacos will never contest a divorce, 9741 demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything. 9742 6: Tacos won't ask you about your last lover, 9743 or speculate about your next one. 9744 7: A taco will never make a scene because 9745 there are other tacos in the refrigerator. 9746 8: It's easy to drop a taco. 9747 9: Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest. 9748% 9749Ninety percent of everything is crap. 9750 -- Theodore Sturgeon 9751% 9752No matter how clever the hardware boys 9753are, the software boys piss it away. 9754% 9755No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent". 9756 -- Greg Bear 9757% 9758Non Illegitemus Carborundum. 9759 [Don't let the bastards wear you down.] 9760% 9761Not everyone has a one-track mind. 9762 -- From a Bisexuality 101 talk 9763% 9764Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends. 9765 -- Woody Allen 9766% 9767nothing, adj: 9768 A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose. 9769% 9770Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient 9771tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed 9772Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?" What 9773can I say? It was an accident. It was one of those parties that got out 9774of hand, you know... We killed him because he didn't want to become 9775a doctor, that's why we killed him. 9776 -- Lenny Bruce 9777% 9778Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle 9779Who said with a wink and a smile, 9780 "Sure, please stick it in, 9781 Be it thick be it thin, 9782But if's rough I won't do as a file." 9783% 9784Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind- 9785bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers 9786have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence 9787of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, 9788"for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man, 9789"the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved 9790by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguements, 9791you don't. QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and 9792promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. 9793 -- D. Adams 9794% 9795Now what would they do if I just sailed away? 9796Who the hell really compelled me to leave today? 9797Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball, 9798What would they do if I made no landfall?" 9799 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall" 9800% 9801Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and 9802occasionally has problems with folks harrassing her. She came up 9803with this in response to one... 9804 9805 Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing. 9806 When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was 9807 bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't 9808 meet either of my standards. But if it makes you feel more 9809 comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to the bedposts this 9810 morning and screwed the daylights out of me. 9811 9812 "Just think," said 9813 9814 Nurse Jones, 9815 "... that was four 9816 hours ago and 9817 my sperm count 9818 is probably *still* 9819 higher than yours." 9820% 9821Nybble me... Byte me... Unsigned long int me... 9822% 9823Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman. 9824 -- Joseph Pulitzer 9825% 9826Obscene? Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but 9827their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes 9828because it's obscene. 9829% 9830Obscenity is a crutch for lazy Motherfuckers. 9831% 9832Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers. 9833% 9834Oden the bardling averred 9835His muse was the bum of a bird, 9836 And his Lesbian wife 9837 Would finger his fife 9838While Fisherwood waited as third. 9839% 9840Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly 9841exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London. Ms. London is the 9842author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter," 9843"A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy 9844Heiress". Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to 9845an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save 9846himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb: 9847 9848 "Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate 9849ship. No one, that is, but the pirates. Yet there she was, Merry Wilding 9850-- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England, 9851spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"... 9852There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome, 9853sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon." 9854% 9855Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex. 9856The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes. 9857% 9858Of his face she thought not very much, 9859But then, at the very first touch, 9860 Her attitude shifted -- 9861 He was terribly gifted 9862At frigging and fucking and such. 9863% 9864Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch. 9865% 9866Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam, 9867Where the beer and the whiskey flows free, 9868Where never is heard, a discouraging word, 9869And the call-girls keep callin' for me! 9870% 9871Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover, 9872That got run over with my mower. 9873One leg is missing, and one other is gone, 9874The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn. 9875It's no use explain'n, the one remaining, 9876It landed by the kitchen door. 9877Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover, 9878that ain't gonna walk no more... 9879 -- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover. 9880% 9881Oh John, let's not park here. 9882Oh John, let's not park. 9883Oh John, let's not. 9884Oh John, let's. 9885Oh John. 9886Oh. 9887% 9888Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent! 9889Her cunt is so dreadfully bent, 9890 The poor wench doth stammer, 9891 "I need a sledgehammer 9892To pound a man into my vent." 9893% 9894Oh pity the prince, Montezuma 9895He tried to make love to a puma. 9896 Seems the puma, in play, 9897 Tore his testes away - 9898- An example of animal huma. 9899% 9900Oh pity the prince, Montezuma 9901He tried to make love to a puma. 9902 Seems the puma, in play, 9903 Tore his testes away -- 9904An example of animal huma. 9905% 9906Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive. 9907 -- Don Herold 9908% 9909OLD FELLA RED CLARET 9910 Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er" 9911 9912An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old 9913and ill-cared for animals. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to 9914prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins. Connoisseurs will savour the 9915slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings. 9916Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste 9917buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings 9918with perished jock straps. The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads 9919gives it a very Definite Nose. With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit. 9920In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people 9921who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK"). 9922 9923It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973 9924 9925Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts. 9926 Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new. 9927% 9928Old King Cole was a merry old soul, 9929A merry old soul was he. 9930He called for his pipe, 9931And he called for his drums, 9932And he fiddled with his call girls three. 9933% 9934Old King Cole 9935Was a merry old soul, 9936A merry old soul was he! 9937He called for his pipe, 9938And he called for his bowl, 9939And he fiddled with his call girls three! 9940% 9941Old McDonald had a farm, 9942E-I-E-I-O! 9943And on this farm he had some chicks, 9944E-I-E-I-O! 9945With a chick-chick here, 9946And a chick-chick there, 9947Here a chick, 9948There a chick, 9949Everywhere a chick-chick, 9950Old McDonald lost his farm 9951'Cause he had too many chicks! 9952% 9953Old McDonald had a farm, 9954E-I-E-I-O 9955And on this farm he had some chicks, 9956E-I-E-I-O 9957With a chickie-poo here, and a chickie-poo there, 9958Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a whoop-ti-doo, 9959Old McDonald lost his farm, 9960'Cause he had too many chicks. 9961% 9962Old mercenaries never die. They go to hell and regroup. 9963% 9964Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe, 9965She had so many children, 9966She didn't know what to do. 9967So she moved to Atlanta. 9968% 9969Old Mother Hubbard, 9970Went to the cubbard, 9971To get her poor doggie a bone. 9972 9973But when she stooped over, 9974Old Rover, he drove her. 9975You see, he had a bone of his own. 9976% 9977Olmstead's Law: 9978 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. 9979% 9980On a cannibal isle near Malaysia 9981Lives a lady they call Anastasia. 9982 Not russian elite- 9983 She's eager to eat 9984Whatever or whoever lays her. 9985% 9986On a ship wrecked far out at sea, 9987The girl said, "I can't seem to pee." 9988 "Aha!" said the mate, 9989 "That settles the fate 9990Of the captain, the pilot, and me." 9991% 9992On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw 9993herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her. 9994The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he 9995went to notify the authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to find 9996a man making love to the corpse. 9997 "Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead, 9998that woman is dead!" 9999 "Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up. 10000"I thought she was an American!" 10001% 10002On Brassieres: 10003 Russian: Uplifts the masses. 10004 Salvation Army: Raises the fallen. 10005 American: Makes mountains out of molehills. 10006% 10007On day a Monterey daughter 10008Did scuba down under the water. 10009 She later turned up 10010 The mom of a pup, 10011And they say t'was a otter that gotter. 10012% 10013On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into 10014Texas. After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse 10015on a merry chase through the desert. On the sixth day of the chase he was 10016apprehended. 10017 Sheriff-to-interpreter: "Ask him where the money is." 10018 Interpreter-to-bandit: "He wants to know where you hid the money." 10019 Bandit-to-interpreter: "I'll never tell, never!" 10020 Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says he'll never tell, senor." 10021At this point, the sheriff loses his cool. His town has been shot up, his 10022bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he 10023says he'll never tell. So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits' 10024chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell 10025me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!" 10026 Interpreter-to-bandit: "He says if you don't tell him where the 10027 money is right now, he will kill you here." 10028 Bandit-to-interpreter: "Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden 10029 under the big tree at the pass!" 10030 Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says you ain't got the balls..." 10031% 10032On the breast of a lady named Gail, 10033Was tattooed the price of her tail. 10034 And on her behind, 10035 For the sake of the blind, 10036Was the same information -- in Braille. 10037% 10038On the breasts of a harlot from Yale 10039Was tatooed the price of her tail 10040 And on her behind, 10041 For the sake of the blind, 10042Was the same information in Braille. 10043% 10044On the porch of a dude named Horatio, 10045His girl got a yen for fellatio. 10046 As she sucked on his dingus 10047 He tried cunnilingus 10048But the cops ran 'em off of that patio. 10049% 10050Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to 10051eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me 10052only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you 10053better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady 10054and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. 10055The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna 10056fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I 10057wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you 10058sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona 10059my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go 10060to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say 10061you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man 10062at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I 10063gonna back to Italy. 10064% 10065Once a woman has given you her heart you 10066can never get rid of the rest of her. 10067 -- Vanbrugh 10068% 10069Once a young gay from Khartoum, 10070Took a lesbian up to his room. 10071 They argued all night 10072 Over who had the right 10073To do what, and with which, and to whom. 10074% 10075Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell 10076for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group 10077as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first 10078group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new 10079group. I fought like hell for them. But another group came around. They 10080exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic. Their word was 10081very much better. So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I 10082had made. And I joined up with this new group. I fought like hell for them. 10083Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all. 10084That I should go off as an individual and grow! So I quit the last group 10085and lost all the friends I had made. And now I sit home alone all day and 10086all I do is grow. It would be nice to join up with some others who feel 10087the way I do. 10088 -- J. Feiffer 10089% 10090Once upon a girl there was a time... 10091% 10092Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his 10093two cows. He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to 10094observe and report any success. A short time later, little Johnny came 10095running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the 10096white cow!" 10097 The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's 10098alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is 10099going to be visiting soon. So next time, please use another word; just 10100say that the bull "surprised" the cow." 10101 Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress. A little 10102while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny 10103came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!" 10104 The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I 10105know, the bull surprised the brown cow." 10106 Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!" 10107% 10108Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and 10109made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer 10110wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster. 10111"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic 10112and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this, 10113bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among 10114his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work. 10115It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and 10116began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this 10117rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster, 10118however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next 10119morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in 10120the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure 10121enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer 10122shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told 10123you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head 10124toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to 10125the birds above. "I think they're coming down." 10126% 10127Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One 10128fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked 10129cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest. When 10130she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who 10131jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes 10132down." 10133 So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no, 10134you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!" 10135% 10136Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to 10137fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, 10138the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. 10139After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to 10140earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this 10141little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure 10142warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow 10143began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the 10144chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, 10145he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. 10146There are three morals to this story: 101471) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 101482) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. 101493) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. 10150% 10151Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. He'd do pushups and 10152somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around 10153on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious 10154enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said, 10155 "Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right 10156time comes, I am going to be that one." 10157A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they 10158knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly 10159and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others. 10160All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with 10161all his might. 10162 "Go back! Go back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!" 10163% 10164Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed, 10165and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big 10166coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" 10167 The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been 10168sleeping in my bed!" 10169 And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!" 10170% 10171Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of 10172us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the 10173smaller prime numbers. 10174 101752: The Odd Prime -- 10176 It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED. 101773: The True Prime -- 10178 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true." 1017931: The Arbitrary Prime -- 10180 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime in 10181 case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 received 10182 the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most. 10183 However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all. 1018441: The Female Prime -- 10185 The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is 10186 prime for integer values from 1 to 40. 1018743: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair. 10188 10189Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities 10190are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd 10191but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. 10192% 10193Once was a hooker named Gail, 10194Busted and sent-off to jail, 10195 She liked the jailer, 10196 He wanted to nail her, 10197So Gail made bail with her tail. 10198% 10199Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke, 10200the rest of life is that much easier. 10201% 10202Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 10203% 10204One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the 10205boss's office. Then the junior executives were individually summoned. 10206Finally the office boy was brought in. 10207 "I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed. "Have you been 10208playing around with my secretary?" 10209 "N-no, sir," the office boy stammered. "I-I'd never do anything 10210like that, sir." 10211 "All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her." 10212% 10213One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped 10214into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited 10215to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country. After awhile, 10216he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields. The funny thing was, 10217the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants. The man got out of his car 10218and approached the farmer. 10219 "Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?" 10220 Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin' 10221in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house 10222that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. This here's 10223mah wife's idea." 10224% 10225One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really 10226a polar bear?" 10227 "Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies. "You live at 10228the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish. You play on the 10229ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals. Of *course* you're 10230a polar bear. Why do you ask?" 10231 "Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!" 10232% 10233One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an 10234anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road. Stopping the car, 10235he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help. 10236Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes, 10237threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch. 10238The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways. 10239 Two months later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when 10240he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road. Investigating 10241the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole. 10242"Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse. "I saved you 10243with my car once, remember?" 10244 "Course I'll help you, little fellow," roared the lion. "I'll just 10245lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there 10246in a jiffy." Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on 10247the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion. 10248 "Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly. "It just goes 10249to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes." 10250% 10251One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all 10252the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female. He also noted that 10253they seemed to enjoy being together a lot. So, he went to his special 10254place an reported to God what he'd noticed. 10255 God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me 10256to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I 10257will create your mate." 10258 So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell 10259asleep. Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his 10260ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him. Remembering 10261the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her. 10262Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place. 10263 "God?" 10264 "Yes, Adam, what now?" 10265 "God, what's a headache?" 10266% 10267One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an 10268enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue 10269eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable 10270little dog. 10271 What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself. Walking over, 10272he asked, "Child, what is your name?" 10273 "Blossom," she replied. 10274 "What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley. "And how did your 10275parents come to choose such a pretty name?" 10276 "Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying 10277under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She 10278thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my 10279name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly. 10280 How charming, thought the priest. He started to say good-bye and 10281walk away, then turned back. "And the name of your little dog?" he 10282inquired. 10283 "Porky," was the child's reply. 10284 Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen. 10285 "Because he likes to fuck pigs." 10286% 10287"One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most 10288gorgeous blond chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said 'Hi,' and she 10289said 'Hi,' and then I said 'Nice day, isn't it,' and she said 'Yeah, I 10290guess'... I said 'What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said 'I saw my 10291analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked 'What's the 10292problem?'... she replied 'I can't tell you, I don't even know you.'... 10293I said 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect 10294stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac 10295and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane.' I said, 10296'Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'" 10297 -- Stephen Wright 10298% 10299One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot 10300tall on his shoulder and orders a beer. The bartender serves the man a beer; 10301to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow 10302of the brew and spits it in his face. After a few minutes the customer 10303orders another beer and the exact same thing happens. Well, by this time, 10304the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take 10305care of the dwarf. So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink 10306all your beer and spit it in my face?" 10307 "Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie 10308and he granted me three wishes. I asked for a million dollars, the most 10309beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick. 10310% 10311One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police 10312officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee-thid, and 10313thacramento ith?" 10314 The police officer didn't reply at all, but just looked away. 10315 The large man then asked again, but still no reply. After a few more 10316attempts which the police officer studiously ignored, the frustrated man 10317walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked, 10318"Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied, 10319 "Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!" 10320% 10321One evening a guru had coitus 10322With an actress, a whore and a poetess. 10323 When asked what position 10324 He used for coition, 10325He answered serenely, "the loetus." 10326% 10327One evening a guru had coitus 10328With an actress, a whore and a poetess. 10329 When asked what position 10330 He used for coition, 10331He answered serenely, "the lotus." 10332% 10333One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need 10334to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped 10335his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and 10336bit him on his penis. Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend 10337Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to 10338call a doctor. 10339 "There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor 10340gravely. "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of 10341the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not 10342much hope." 10343 Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and 10344cried out, "Fred, what'd he say? What did the doctor say?" 10345 "George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die." 10346% 10347One hundred and one uses for canned peaches. 10348One hundred and two if you plan to eat them. 10349% 10350One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream. 10351% 10352One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke 10353and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever 10354seen. As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw 10355another woman even less appealing than the first. Seeing his look of 10356wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped, "Don't look at me 10357like that, I was only the bridesmaid." 10358% 10359One night a girl had an affair 10360With a fellow all covered with hair. 10361 His enormous red whang 10362 Gave her a wonderful bang -- 10363She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear. 10364% 10365One night a girl had an affair 10366With a fellow all covered with hair. 10367 Then she picked up his hat 10368 And realized that 10369She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. 10370% 10371One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity 10372to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. 10373 "The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, 10374put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back. "Look, 10375Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?" 10376 "Mama asked, 'What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'" 10377 -- Leo Rosten, "Hooray For Yiddish" 10378% 10379One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives 10380accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable 10381testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to 10382all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they 10383enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 10384 "What trip?" 10385% 10386One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to 10387compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it. 10388% 10389One of the most expensive things in life 10390is a girl who is free for the evening. 10391% 10392One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create 10393goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy retail." 10394 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 10395% 10396One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. 10397He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the 10398following Sunday. 10399 "9:30 okay?" 10400 "Fine," George said, "but I may be a few minutes late." 10401The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, he played 10402left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday morning. 10403George was eager to come, but again, mentioned that he might be a few minutes 10404late. The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he 10405played right-handed and beat them again. 10406 "You on for next Sunday, George?" one of the foursome asked. 10407 "Sure," George replied, "but I might be a few..." 10408 Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you might 10409be late, but you're always right on time, and you always win, left-handed 10410*or* right-handed." 10411 "Well," George replied, rather sheepishly, "that's true, but see, I'm 10412superstitious. If my wife is sleeping on her right, when I wake up, I play 10413right handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed." 10414 "What if she's lying on her back?" 10415 George said, "That's when I'm late." 10416% 10417One should be cherry of virgins. 10418% 10419One, two, three, four 10420What are we fighting for? 10421Don't ask me I don't give a damn. 10422Next stop is Vietnam. 10423Five, six, seven, eight 10424Open up the pearly gates. 10425Ain't no time to wonder why 10426Whoopie! We're all going to die. 10427 -- Country Joe and the Fish 10428% 10429One who does not know a burro from a burrow does not know 10430his ass from a hole in the ground! 10431% 10432Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonite!! 10433% 10434Ooops. Gotta run. My dog wants sex. Later. 10435% 10436Operators mount anything! 10437% 10438Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, 10439but nobody wants to look at the other guy's. 10440 -- Hal Hickman 10441% 10442OPTIMIST: 10443 A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date. 10444% 10445ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE: 10446 The word "No". 10447% 10448oral sex, n: 10449 The taste of things to come. 10450% 10451O'Riordan's Theorem: 10452 Brains x Beauty = Constant. 10453 10454Purmal's Corollary: 10455 As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, 10456 availability goes to zero. 10457% 10458Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you 10459cash them in. 10460% 10461Ouch mosquito, silent by night, 10462Why pierce my skin, so white? 10463You grow plump, as a leech. 10464Stop! I beseech (in vein). 10465 10466I have no choice. 10467Why waste my voice, 10468When only a slap will do? 10469Ouch, I am bitten! 10470What ho, you are smitten! 10471Yo mosquito, fuck you. 10472 -- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito" 10473% 10474Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?" Well, it's really 10475quite simple. They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes. 10476% 10477Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the 10478maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out 10479in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty 10480good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know 10481for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging 10482over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for 10483three seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in 10484their souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving 10485an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without 10486ever considering whether there were men on base. 10487 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 10488% 10489Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr, 10490Has invented a new kind of car. 10491 With a tank full of shit 10492 There's no stopping it -- 10493For short trips, two poots take you far. 10494% 10495Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum 10496possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in case 10497of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty good 10498baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know for 10499sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over 10500from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for three 10501seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in their 10502souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an 10503infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without 10504ever considering whether there were men on base. 10505 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 10506% 10507Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum 10508possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in 10509case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a 10510pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no 10511way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male 10512comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been 10513on the team for three seasons now, but the males still don't trust 10514her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between 10515catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would 10516elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there 10517were men on base. 10518 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 10519% 10520Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, 10521In all of the directions it can whiz; 10522As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, 10523Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. 10524So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, 10525How amazingly unlikely is your birth; 10526And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, 10527'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! 10528 -- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life" 10529% 10530Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, 10531 "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels, 10532and I will lead you to the promised land." 10533 Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on 10534your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land." 10535 Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising 10536the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land. 10537% 10538Painters do it with even strokes. 10539% 10540Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously 10541mistaken me for someone who gives a shit. 10542% 10543Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to 10544bite a woman's neck because she has beautiful legs. 10545% 10546Paying alimony is like pumping gas into another man's car. 10547% 10548Pee-wee Recommends: 10549 10550When Pee-wee Herman was arrested that evening in Sarasota, Florida, 10551the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured: 10552 10553 + Nurse Nancy, starring Sandra Scream 10554 + Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah 10555 + Tiger Shark, starring Raven 10556% 10557penis envy, n: 10558 The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long. 10559% 10560People humiliating a salami! 10561% 10562People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement. 10563% 10564People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it. 10565 -- Peter Sellers 10566% 10567Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to put 10568on a pedestal and worship. As he grows up, of course, he will put her on 10569a pedestal the better to view her legs. 10570 -- Barry Norman, in "The Listener" 10571% 10572Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer 10573Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?" 10574 She declined and declined 10575 Till approached from behind... 10576When her summer turned out quite a bummer! 10577% 10578Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love. 10579% 10580philadelphia flying fuck, n: 10581 Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms 10582 of the rocking chair. She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring 10583 him orally. 10584 10585 [Note: Personally, we've never tried this. If you have, or if 10586 you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597, 10587 Rockville IL. Thank you. Ed.] 10588% 10589Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex. 10590 -- Karl Marx 10591% 10592Physicists do it with charm. 10593% 10594Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when 10595he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay. 10596% 10597pile driver, n: 10598 Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice. 10599% 10600Planned Parenthood: 10601 The emission Control Center. 10602% 10603Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware, 10604He announced as he folded with flair, 10605 "I had four of a kind, 10606 But those aces combined, 10607Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair." 10608% 10609PLUNDERER'S THEME 10610 (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) 10611 10612Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 10613If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. 10614Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. 10615Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 10616% 10617pocket pool, n: 10618 Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket. 10619 For women, it's playing the slots. 10620% 10621polish fly, n: 10622 You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling. 10623% 10624Politicians do it to everyone. 10625% 10626Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all. 10627 10628'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with 10629a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the 10630hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow. This can be learned only by long 10631practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even 10632as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing... Her husband will then value her 10633above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful 10634queen in the Three Worlds... Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles 10635are abnormally developed. In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert 10636them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can 10637induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person. Such an artist 10638is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising 10639that slave dealers pay large sums for her' Thus Richard Burton. It has 10640nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice. See exercises. 10641 -- The Joy of Sex 10642% 10643Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis 10644Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus. 10645 At her first sight of one 10646 She started to run, 10647And last was seen sprinting through Dallas. 10648% 10649Posterity will ne'er survey 10650A nobler grave than this; 10651Here lie the bones of Castlereagh; 10652Stop, traveler, and piss. 10653 -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh 10654% 10655Postulate #1: Nothing is better than sex. 10656Postulate #2: Masturbation is better than nothing. 10657Conclusion: Masturbation is better than sex. 10658% 10659Pour guerir un acces de fievre 10660Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre; 10661 Il le prit a son trou, 10662 Et fit faire un ragout 10663Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre. 10664 -- Edward Gorey 10665% 10666Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis, 10667Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home. "My wife and 10668I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart. "I hate to admit 10669it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy." 10670 "Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it. Let me 10671give you some advice. At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn 10672all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room. Next, tell 10673your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the 10674bottom window." 10675 "Then what do I do?" asked Brad. 10676 "Just whistle." 10677 "Whistle?" 10678 "That's right. I'll be waiting outside the window. When I hear 10679you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job." 10680% 10681Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all. 10682% 10683Pregnancy begins with a single sell. 10684% 10685premature ejaculation, n: 10686 A spoilspurt. 10687% 10688premature ejaculator, n: 10689 Troubled shooter. 10690% 10691Premenstrual Syndrome: 10692 Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time. 10693% 10694Prince Absalom lay with his sister 10695And bundled and nibbled and kissed her, 10696 But the kid was so tight, 10697 And it was deep night -- 10698Though he shot at the target, he missed her. 10699% 10700Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets. 10701% 10702Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame cermony, [Cash] went to 10703the bathroom. "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked 10704in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a 10705picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'" 10706 -- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash. 10707% 10708Procrastinators do it tomorrow. 10709% 10710Programmers do it bit by bit. 10711% 10712Programmers do it until it goes down. 10713% 10714Programmers get overlaid. 10715% 10716PROMOTION: 10717 New title, new salary, new office, same old crap. 10718% 10719Prope mare erat tubulator 10720Qui virginem ingrediebatur. 10721 Dessine ingressus 10722 Audivi progressus: 10723Est mihi inquit tubulator. 10724% 10725Prostitution is the only business where you 10726can go into the hole and still come out ahead. 10727% 10728Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. 10729Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it. 10730% 10731Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest. They 10732both promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't 10733make pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks 10734out the door. 10735% 10736pubic hair, n: 10737 Organic dental floss. 10738% 10739Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine, 10740And frollicked in the Autumn mist, 10741And drank Manishiewitz wine. 10742Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff, 10743And brought him soup and Matzah balls, 10744And other kosher stuff. 10745 10746Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork. 10747Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk. 10748Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat, 10749That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet. 10750% 10751Q: Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight? 10752A: He's the only one with a duck. 10753 10754Q: Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight? 10755A: He's the only one who bets on the duck. 10756 10757Q: And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight? 10758A: The duck wins! 10759% 10760Q: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? 10761A: No, but I bet it hurts like hell. 10762% 10763Q: Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell? 10764A: He spent the night in a warehouse. 10765% 10766Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm. 10767A: Real men don't care. 10768% 10769Q: How can you tell if a woman is ticklish? 10770A: Give her a couple of test tickles. 10771% 10772Q: How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding? 10773A: She's the one kissing the golden retriever. 10774% 10775Q: How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock? 10776A: She has a mouthful of feathers. 10777% 10778Q: How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused? 10779A: By the stiff upper lip. 10780% 10781Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm? 10782A: Who cares? 10783% 10784Q: How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face? 10785A: She answered the iron. 10786 10787Q: How did she burn the other side of her face? 10788A: They called back. 10789% 10790Q: How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth? 10791A: Cusinart. 10792 10793Q: How do you get them back out? 10794A: Doritos. 10795% 10796Q: How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you? 10797A: Propose. 10798% 10799Q: How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree? 10800A: Paint his balls red and his toenails green. 10801 10802Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree? 10803A: No -- so it must work pretty well! 10804 10805Q: How did Tarzan die? 10806A: Picking cherries!!! 10807% 10808Q: How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes? 10809A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time. 10810% 10811Q: How do you know your elephant had her period? 10812A: There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing. 10813% 10814Q: How do you make a dead baby float? 10815A: With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer. 10816% 10817Q: How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street? 10818A: Kick it over to Van Ness. 10819% 10820Q: How do you play Religious Roulette? 10821A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck 10822 by lightning first. 10823% 10824Q: How do you tell if two elephants have been making love in 10825 your backyard? 10826A: Your Hefty trashcan liners are missing. 10827% 10828Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, 10829 or an airline stewardess? 10830A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." 10831 A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over 10832 and over again until we get it right." 10833 An airline stewardess says: "Just place this over your mouth and 10834 nose and breathe normally." 10835 10836... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." 10837... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!" 10838... and WASP's say "Do you have that in a bigger size?" 10839... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!" 10840% 10841Q: How do you tell that your roommate's gay? 10842A: When his cock tastes like shit. 10843% 10844Q: How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist? 10845A: It isn't hard. 10846% 10847Q: How does a mink get babies? 10848A: The same way babies get minks. 10849% 10850Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American? 10851 10852A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of 10853 speech, but under the United States constitution they are 10854 guaranteed freedom after speech. 10855 10856 -- being told in Poland, 1987 10857% 10858Q: How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo? 10859A: Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic. 10860% 10861Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? 10862A: Three, but they're really only one. 10863% 10864Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10865A: NONE! AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!! 10866 10867Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb? 10868A: It's "Women"... AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!! 10869% 10870Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students 10871 does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10872A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my 10873 advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he 10874 can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the 10875 credit for answering this incredibly vital question." 10876% 10877Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light 10878 bulb, in San Fransisco? 10879A: Both of them. 10880% 10881Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10882A: Ten. One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was 10883 without a man. 10884% 10885Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, 10886 what would Cheetah have been? 10887A: A fur coat. 10888% 10889Q: What can you use used tampons for? 10890A: Tea bags for vampires. 10891% 10892Q: What did Jesus tell the Aggies? 10893A: Play dumb until the second coming. 10894% 10895Q: What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas? 10896A: Your bicycle. 10897% 10898Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common? 10899A: They both like a tight seal. 10900% 10901Q: What do elephants use instead of tampons? 10902A: Sheep. Well, they used to, anyway. There have been so many cases 10903 of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged. 10904 10905Q: Why do elephants have trunks? 10906A: Sheep don't have strings. 10907% 10908Q: What do two WASPs say after making love? 10909A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again. 10910% 10911Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian? 10912A: Trustworthy. 10913% 10914Q: What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation? 10915A: A transistor. 10916% 10917Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators? 10918A: Toys for twats. 10919% 10920Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet 10921 of garden hose? 10922A: Darling. 10923 [Often? Ed.] 10924% 10925Q: What do you call couples that use that rhythm method? 10926A: Parents. 10927% 10928Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you? 10929A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!! 10930% 10931Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? 10932A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino. 10933% 10934Q: What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl?? 10935A: A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood. 10936% 10937Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP? 10938A: A computer that won't go down. 10939% 10940Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a prostitute? 10941A: Your last blowjob. 10942% 10943Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? 10944A: A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone! 10945% 10946Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey? 10947A: Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every 10948 once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to 10949 your eyes... 10950% 10951Q: What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a 10952 moth ball in the other hand? 10953A: One hell of a big moth! 10954% 10955Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job? 10956A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please! 10957% 10958Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit? 10959A: Will the defendant please rise? 10960% 10961Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean? 10962A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the 10963 Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians take 10964 the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews. 10965% 10966Q: What goes 10967 Click. "Did I get it?" 10968 Click. "Did I get it?" 10969 Click. "Did I get it?" 10970 Click. "Did I get it?" 10971A: Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube. 10972% 10973Q: What goes green, red, green, red, pink, pink, pink? 10974A: A frog in a blender. 10975 10976Q: What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it?? 10977A: Frognogg. If you drink it, you croak. 10978% 10979Q: What goes red, white, red, white, pink, pink, pink? 10980A: Baby in a blender. 10981 10982Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first? 10983A: So you can watch the expression on its little face. 10984% 10985Q: What is green and comes in Brownies? 10986A: Boy Scouts. 10987% 10988Q: What is Smoorplay? 10989A: What Smurfs do before they smuck! 10990% 10991Q: What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women? 10992A: Snowballs! 10993% 10994Q: What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house? 10995A: Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom. 10996% 10997Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness? 10998A: Dating a Canadian. 10999% 11000Q: What's black and white and red all over and can't go through 11001 revolving doors? 11002A: A nun with a javelin through her head. 11003% 11004Q: What's black and white and red all over? 11005A: Half a nun. 11006% 11007Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb? 11008A: A corpse. 11009% 11010Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out? 11011A: Chewing gum. 11012% 11013Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots? 11014A: Bunny farts. 11015% 11016Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS? 11017A: The guy that gave it to him. 11018% 11019Q: What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS? 11020A: The guy he got it from. 11021% 11022Q: What's red and covered with little dents? 11023A: Snow White's cherry. 11024% 11025Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe? 11026A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! 11027 11028Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they 11029 are removable! 11030 11031Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his 11032 very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? 11033A: Yes, up to isomorphism! 11034 11035Q: What is a compact city? 11036A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted 11037 policemen! 11038 -- Peter Lax 11039% 11040Q: What's the difference between a cocker spaniel and a doberman 11041 pinscher humping your leg? 11042A: You let the doberman finish. 11043% 11044Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox? 11045A: About four drinks. 11046% 11047Q: What's the difference between a Fairy Tale, and a War Story? 11048A: Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time". 11049 War Stories start off with "No shit, this really happened". 11050 11051 [I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the 11052 office a little late, tonight... Ed.] 11053% 11054Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant? 11055A: About 10 pounds. 11056 11057Q: How do you make them the same? 11058A: Force feed the elephant. 11059% 11060Q: What's the difference between a man and a toilet? 11061A: A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it. 11062% 11063Q: What's the difference between a man and the weekend? 11064A: The weekend never comes too soon. 11065% 11066Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car? 11067A: Not everyone's been in a fast car. 11068% 11069Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky? 11070A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use 11071 the whole bird... 11072% 11073Q: What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon 11074 and Ronald Reagan? 11075A: One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the 11076 difference. 11077% 11078Q: What's the difference between hard and dark? 11079A: It stays dark all night. 11080% 11081Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's? 11082A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd 11083 like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers, 11084 "and some cigarettes." 11085% 11086Q: What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when 11087 he hits your windshield? 11088A: His ass. 11089 11090Q. What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's 11091 mind when he hits your windshield? 11092A. Oh, SHIT!! 11093% 11094Q: What's white and crawls up your leg? 11095A: Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice. 11096% 11097Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? 11098A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook! 11099% 11100Q: Where does Catwoman go for a good time? 11101A: To the batpoles, Robin! 11102% 11103Q: Where does virgin wool come from? 11104A: Ugly sheep. 11105% 11106Q: Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads? 11107A: So you can pick 'em up five at a time. 11108% 11109Q: Why are Unix emulators like your right hand? 11110A: They're just pussy substitutes! 11111% 11112Q: Why can't Hellen Keller have children? 11113A: Because she's dead. 11114% 11115Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge? 11116A: He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before! 11117% 11118Q: Why did God invent booze? 11119A: So ugly men could get laid too. 11120% 11121Q: Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date? 11122A: She'd never been taught to say no. 11123% 11124Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon? 11125A: To impress Jodie Foster. 11126% 11127Q: Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary 11128 Jo Kopechne drowned? 11129A: Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater? 11130% 11131Q: Why do dogs lick their private parts? 11132A: Because they can. 11133% 11134Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet? 11135A: To stamp out forest firest. 11136 11137Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? 11138A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 11139% 11140Q: Why do men die before their wives? 11141A: They want to. 11142% 11143Q: Why do men marry women? 11144A: You can't teach sheep to do housework. 11145% 11146Q: Why do mice have such small balls? 11147A: Very few of them know how to dance! 11148% 11149Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? 11150A: Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away. 11151 -- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger 11152% 11153Q: Why do WASP's play golf ? 11154A: So they can dress like pimps. 11155% 11156Q: Why do women have vaginas? 11157A: So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack. 11158% 11159Q: Why do women love Pacman? 11160A: Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter. 11161% 11162Q: Why does an elephant have 4 feet? 11163A: Because 8 inches isn't enough. 11164% 11165Q: Why don't blind people skydive? 11166A: It scares the dogs! 11167 11168Q: How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground? 11169A: The leash goes slack. 11170% 11171Q: Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games? 11172A: Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA. 11173% 11174Q: Why is Poland just like the United States? 11175 11176A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in 11177 Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever 11178 you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland. 11179 11180 -- being told in Poland, 1987 11181% 11182Q: Why is Sister Pat the way she is? 11183A: Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and 11184 gang-rejected her. 11185% 11186Q: Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom? 11187A: For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth! 11188 Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!" 11189% 11190Q: What's the difference between VMS and PMS? 11191 11192A1: PMS is only a problem for some people. 11193A2: PMS is only a problem for part of the month. 11194A3: The drugstore has remedies for PMS. 11195A4: People with PMS get sympathy. 11196A5: People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX. 11197% 11198Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? 11199A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog. 11200% 11201Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up? 11202A: Age. 11203% 11204Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? 11205A: The taste. 11206% 11207Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"? 11208A: About three inches. 11209% 11210Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road? 11211A: He couldn't help it. 11212 11213Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub? 11214A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent. 11215% 11216Q: Why do dogs lick their balls? 11217A: 'Cause they can! 11218 11219(Real answer: 'Cause they can't curl their little paws into fists...) 11220% 11221Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? 11222A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice. 11223 11224Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse? 11225A: BOING!! BOING!! BOING!! 11226% 11227QOTD: 11228 "... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of 11229 Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming 11230 and throwing little pickles at you? ... Why am I the only one 11231 who has that dream?" 11232% 11233QOTD: 11234 "Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?" 11235% 11236QOTD: 11237 "Do you smell something burning or is it me?" 11238 -- Joan of Arc 11239% 11240QOTD: 11241 "Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits." 11242% 11243QOTD: 11244 "He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different 11245 ticket." 11246% 11247QOTD: 11248 "He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes." 11249% 11250QOTD: 11251 "I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut." 11252% 11253QOTD: 11254 I get girls because of who I am... a rapist. 11255% 11256QOTD: 11257 I met her [his fiance] over lunch on Thursday. She had a firm 11258 grip. He's a lucky man. 11259% 11260QOTD: 11261 "I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome." 11262% 11263QOTD: 11264 I own my own body, but I share. 11265% 11266QOTD: 11267 "I say, and without apology, hang the bitch." 11268% 11269QOTD: 11270 "I used to beat off so much in the shower, I'd get a hard on every 11271 time it rained." 11272% 11273QOTD: 11274 "I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now." 11275% 11276QOTD: 11277 I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself 11278 a pair of velcro gloves. 11279% 11280QOTD: 11281 "I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of 11282 the guy who screwed her last." 11283% 11284QOTD: 11285 "I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in 11286 her shadow!" 11287% 11288QOTD: 11289 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play 11290 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!" 11291% 11292QOTD: 11293 It *was* wonderfully polite of me. Usually I call the kind of 11294 cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a ``fucking asshole.'' 11295 -- Richard Sexton 11296% 11297QOTD: 11298 "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten 11299 who gets tied up." 11300% 11301QOTD: 11302 "Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!" 11303% 11304QOTD: 11305 Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and "You're 11306 going to put that thing *where*?" 11307% 11308QOTD: 11309 My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when 11310 you stick those little prongs into it. 11311 -- Mark-Jason Dominus 11312% 11313QOTD: 11314 No, honey, I've never been circumsized; it's simply wear and tear. 11315% 11316QOTD: 11317 "One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every gay 11318 and lesbian has lavender skin. On that morning, I will be -- mauve." 11319% 11320QOTD: 11321 Sex is like everything else. To get it done right, do it yourself. 11322% 11323QOTD: 11324 She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain. 11325 Ouch! Ow! My paw! Ouch!! 11326% 11327QOTD: 11328 "She was so tough she rolled her own tampons." 11329% 11330QOTD: 11331 Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work 11332 and the others are more than willing to watch them. 11333% 11334QOTD: 11335 "The difference between dark and hard is... it stays dark 11336 all night." 11337% 11338QOTD: 11339 "The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for 11340 a few good men!" 11341% 11342QOTD: 11343 "The only real difference between men and women is that men are 11344 crabby all month long." 11345% 11346QOTD: 11347 "Well, let's say she's friendly. Last year she was the Herpes 11348 Poster Girl." 11349% 11350QOTD: 11351 "What would the world be like without men? A lot of fat, 11352 happy women." 11353% 11354QOTD: 11355 "When she hauled ass, it took three trips." 11356% 11357QOTD: 11358 "Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer! Take a look at that purty young lady 11359 over thar! Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken 11360 glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners!" 11361% 11362QOTD: 11363 "Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me. 11364 Then get the fuck out." 11365% 11366QOTD: 11367 "You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already." 11368% 11369quickie, n: 11370 A moment's piece. 11371% 11372quickie, n: 11373 No sooner spread than done. 11374% 11375QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth] 1. a unit of weight 11376equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in 11377structural engineering 2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully 11378grown sligo can carry. 3. [Anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis 11379in the region of the anus 4. [Slang] person who excites in others the 11380symptoms of a qwert. 11381 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. 11382% 11383Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy. 11384Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!! 11385% 11386randel, n: 11387 A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an 11388 apology for farting at a friend. 11389 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure & 11390 Preposterous Words 11391% 11392Raquel Welch: 36-24-36 11393Bo Derek: 35-24-36 11394Ann-Margaret: 37-25-36 11395Bette Middler: 37-25-36 11396Marilyn Monroe: 37-24-37 11397Jane Russell: 39-27-38 11398Jayne Mansfield: 40-23-37 11399Sophia Loren: 37-25-36 11400% 11401Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number 11402of Clydesdales it would take to pull you off her. 11403% 11404Reach out and fuck someone. 11405% 11406Readers Ask: 11407 Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun? 11408 11409Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is 11410usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible. If 11411a professional exterminater specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is 11412possible to handle the situation with common household items. However, much 11413of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying. First, 11414driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill 11415it. Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than 11416puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock? Stake driving should be 11417avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire, 11418and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness. 11419Handguns are also a definite no-no. Common sense indicates that it requires 11420more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver 11421through its body. One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the 11422sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with 11423holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will 11424do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the 11425urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad 11426(i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut). Sure, it's a lot of work. But 11427you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again. 11428% 11429real buddy, n: 11430 Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back 11431 and give you one. 11432% 11433real class, adj: 11434 When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me." 11435% 11436Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol. 11437% 11438Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers 11439Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars 11440Reds and peyote to work out your bugs 11441These are a few of my favorite drugs. 11442 11443Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout 11444Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out 11445Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs 11446These are a few of my favorite drugs. 11447 11448Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys 11449Users of heroin, often called junkies 11450Methadone helps then to stop being thugs 11451Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. 11452 11453 On a bad trip 11454 When the cops come 11455 When I lose my head 11456 I simply take more of my favorite drugs 11457 And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! 11458 -- My Favorite Drugs, sung to "My Favorite Things" 11459% 11460Reformed, n: 11461 A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays. 11462% 11463rejection, n: 11464 When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. 11465% 11466Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks. 11467% 11468Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. 11469 -- Frank Zappa 11470% 11471Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime, 11472champagne is the best tenderizer. 11473% 11474Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only 11475sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's 11476changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow 11477out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking 11478pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with 11479the other. 11480 -- Jules Feiffer 11481% 11482Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head. 11483 "What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender. 11484 "Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw 11485someone had scribbled `Wendy gives really fabulous head; absolutely the best 11486blow job in the world!' on the wall." 11487 "Ahh, hell," said the bartender. "Don't give it a second thought, 11488we get jerks in here like anywhere else." 11489 "I know," snarled the headshaker. "One of them scratched out the 11490phone number!" 11491% 11492Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife. 11493Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay. 11494% 11495rodeo fuck, n: 11496 When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're 11497 the worst piece of ass I've ever had!". And then try to stay on 11498 for seven seconds... 11499% 11500Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals. 11501% 11502Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun, 11503With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done. 11504The deal was made in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day, 11505So he set out for Biafra, to join the bloody fray. 11506Through sixty-six and seven, they fought the Congo war, 11507With their fingers on their triggers, knee deep in gore. 11508Days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees, 11509They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese. 11510 Roland the Thompson gunner... 11511His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest, 11512But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best. 11513So the C.I.A decided, they wanted Roland dead, 11514That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, blew off Roland's head. 11515 Roland the headless Thompson gunner... 11516Roland searched the continent, for the man who'd done him in. 11517He found him in Mombasa, in a bar room drinking gin, 11518Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say a word, 11519But he blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg. 11520The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night, 11521Now it's ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight. 11522In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley, 11523Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it. 11524 -- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner" 11525% 11526ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. 11527MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide 11528 as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. 11529% 11530Rosenberg wanted to leave the country. 11531"And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office. 11532"I am told a pogrom is being prepared. Against the Jews and the barbers," 11533 replies Rosenberg. 11534"Why the barbers?" 11535"Everybody asks that question. That's why I want to leave." 11536% 11537Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ. 11538% 11539Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls. 11540% 11541rugby, n: 11542 A sport requiring leather balls. 11543% 11544Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered 11545two new uses for sheep. Meat and wool. 11546% 11547Runners do it alone. 11548% 11549Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs, 11550"The men like to spread my two legs, 11551 Then slip in between, 11552 If you know what I mean, 11553And leave me the white of their eggs." 11554% 11555Said a decadent wench of Bombay : 11556"This has been a most wonderful day. 11557 Three cherry tarts, 11558 At least twenty farts, 11559Two shits, and a bloody fine lay." 11560% 11561Said a girl who upon her divan 11562Was attacked by a virile young man: 11563 "Such excess of passion 11564 Is quite out of fashion" 11565And she fractured his wrist with her fan. 11566 -- Edward Gorey 11567% 11568Said a happy young man of Fort Drum : 11569"What care I for this shortage of gum? 11570 My favorite chew 11571 Is a condom or two, 11572With a goodly amount of fresh come." 11573% 11574Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, 11575"My favorite sport is coitus." 11576 But a fullback from State, 11577 Made her period late, 11578And now she has athlete's fetus. 11579% 11580Said a lecherous fellow named Shea, 11581When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay, 11582 "You must seize it, and squeeze it, 11583 And tease it, and please it, 11584For Rome wasn't built in a day." 11585% 11586Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad; 11587Of all the girls that I've had, 11588 None gave me the thrill 11589 Of real rapture until 11590I learned how to be a tribade." 11591% 11592Said a madam named Mamie La Farge 11593To a sailor just off of a barge, 11594 "We have one girl that's dead, 11595 With a hole in her head-- 11596Of course there's a slight extra charge." 11597% 11598Said a modest young miss to de Sade, 11599I'm simply too shy and afraid 11600 To take part in your pranks. 11601 But to show you my thanks, 11602I'd just love to become your first aide. 11603% 11604Said a pornographistic young poet 11605"Although I perhaps do not show it, 11606 My interest in sin 11607 Is wearing quite thin, 11608And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it." 11609% 11610Said a swinging young chick named Lyth 11611Whose virtue was largely a myth, 11612 "Try as hard as I can, 11613 I can't find a man 11614That it's fun to be virtuous with!" 11615% 11616Said a swinging young chick named Lyth 11617Whose virtue was largely a myth, 11618 "Try as hard as I can, 11619 I can't find a man 11620That it's fun to be virtuous with." 11621% 11622Said a swinging young chick named Lyth 11623Whose virtue was largely a myth, 11624 "Try as hard as I can, 11625 I can't find a man 11626That it's fun to be virtuous with!" 11627% 11628Said crew girl Angelica Bauer : 11629"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour." 11630 Uhura said, "No, 11631 At night that's not so-- 11632He doesn't withdraw for an hour." 11633% 11634Said Einstein, "I have an equation 11635Which to some may seem rabelaisian: 11636 Let v be virginity 11637 Approaching infinity; 11638Let p be a constant persuasion; 11639 11640Let p over p be inverted 11641With the square root of mu inserted 11642 N times into v ... 11643 The result, Q E D, 11644Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. 11645% 11646Said Einstein, "I have an equation 11647Which to some may seem Rabelaisian: 11648 Let V be virginity 11649 Approaching infinity; 11650Let P be a constant persuasion; 11651 11652"Let V over P be inverted 11653With the square root of Mu inserted 11654 N times into V ... 11655 The result, Q.E.D., 11656Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. 11657% 11658Said Francesca, "My lack of volition 11659Is leading me straight to perdition; 11660 But I haven't the strength 11661 To go to the length 11662Of making an act of contrition." 11663 -- Edward Gorey 11664% 11665Said President Jobcock one day : 11666"War's better than love, I should say. 11667 Instead of a virgin, 11668 It's murder I'm urgin'-- 11669You get lots more blood that-a-way." 11670% 11671Said sneering Mohammed el-Din : 11672"Only infidel dogs put it in. 11673 Back home in Arabia 11674 We nibble the labia 11675Till the juice dribbles off of our chin." 11676% 11677Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers, 11678In a cunt halfway up to his ears : 11679 "This nautch is delicious, 11680 And without doubt nutritious. 11681She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!" 11682% 11683Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea, 11684"Young man, do you fart when you pee?" 11685 I replied with some wit, 11686 "Do you belch when you shit?" 11687I think that was one up for me. 11688% 11689Said the nun as the bishop withdrew, 11690"This must be our final adieu, 11691 For the vicar is slicker, 11692 And thicker, and quicker, 11693And two inches longer than you." 11694% 11695Saint Peteer was once heard to boast 11696That he'd had all the heavenly host : 11697 The Father and Son, 11698 And then - just for fun - 11699The hole in the Holy Ghost. 11700% 11701Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty 11702immensely profitable years in the construction business. 11703 "You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have 11704constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but 11705am I known as Sam the Builder? No. 11706 And over the years I have contributed literally millions of 11707dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called 11708Sam the Philanthropist? No sir! 11709 But suck one little cock..." 11710% 11711San Francisco: 11712 A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces 11713 there. 11714% 11715San Francisco is my kind of city, 11716Where the women are strong and the men are pretty. 11717% 11718Save a forest - eat a beaver! 11719% 11720Save a mouse, eat a pussy! 11721% 11722Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!! 11723% 11724Save the whales. Club a seal instead. 11725% 11726Says an airlining wanton named Vi: 11727"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly. 11728 To a muffer's delight, 11729 I'll take head on a flight, 11730So the guy can have pie in the sky." 11731% 11732schnuffel, n.: 11733 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in mixed 11734 company. 11735 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11736% 11737"Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided 11738her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you." 11739% 11740Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the 11741ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets. 11742 -- Edgar Berman 11743% 11744SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies. 11745If you desire fluency in the French tongue, 11746this cunning linguist can lick your problem. 11747 11748Fortune -- P.O. Box 478 11749% 11750Seems like there were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing 11751the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other. 11752 "What are you here for?" he asks. 11753 "Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day, 11754and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it, 11755but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand." 11756 "Yeah, I now what you mean. So, what are you here for?" 11757 "Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going 11758to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*." 11759 "Oh. Well, I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog. 11760 Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely. 11761 "So," he asked, "What are you in here for?" 11762 "Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed. 11763 "Go on, I told you, it *can't* be as bad!" 11764 "OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so 11765I was feeling, you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen 11766wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't 11767resist it!" admitted the dog. 11768 "Oh! So you're here for the operation too!" 11769 "No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!" 11770% 11771Seems like these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three 11772were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, with 11773the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost 11774again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I 11775know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please show me a sign, 11776so they too will know that I understand Your laws." 11777 It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his 11778plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once 11779and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other 11780three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days. 11781 So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am 11782right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign." 11783 This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form 11784one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from 11785the rabbis. The cloud dispersed at once. "I told you I was right!" insisted 11786the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not 11787be explained by natural causes. 11788 The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when 11789just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and 11790a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!" 11791 The sky returns to normal. The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips 11792and snarls, "Well?" "Okay, okayyyy," replied another, "so now it's 3 to 2!" 11793% 11794Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar. After assiduously 11795pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's 11796a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian. Confused, he asks 11797her what that means. 11798 "Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?" 11799 "Yeah..." 11800 "I'd like to walk over to her, and unbottom her blouse." 11801 "Yeah..." 11802 "And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and 11803then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..." 11804 "Right! Right!" interrupts the guy. "I think I'm a lesbian too!" 11805% 11806Seems there was this traveling salesman who wandered into a brothel and 11807asked the madam for a woman who would give him the absolutely worst blow-job 11808imaginable. Not horny, just homesick. 11809% 11810Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil 11811he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments 11812cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and 11813more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please 11814believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you. 11815Could we maybe talk?" 11816 The nun almost runs off the bus. As the young man's stop comes up, 11817the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun. The man 11818starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him. "No, don't apologize, 11819I was checking her out myself. Listen, you see where she got on? She goes 11820there every day, to a little park. Why don't you meet here there?" 11821 Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun 11822in a secluded grove of trees. He approaches her, and she seems, although shy, 11823much more willing to talk. After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if 11824she'd be willing to make love with him. She blushes, smiles, blushes again 11825and says "yes". But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would 11826have to be the "back door". 11827 As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt; 11828panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying 11829you on the bus yesterday. 11830 Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay. I'm not really a nun. I'm 11831actually the bus driver." 11832% 11833Seems to me that both the Democrats and the Republicans should change their 11834symbols to a contraceptive device; it stands for inflation, inhibits 11835production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of 11836security while they're being screwed. 11837% 11838Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave. 11839 -- Dr. George M. Calhoun, 1855 11840% 11841SEMINARS: 11842 From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion. 11843% 11844Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would 11845 notify you if the record has pornographics material or 11846 material glorifying violence?" 11847Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." 11848Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on 11849 the album cover is good indication that it's not for little 11850 Johnny." 11851 11852 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock 11853 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 11854% 11855Send lawyers, guns, and money, 11856The shit has hit the fan. 11857 -- Warren Zevon 11858% 11859Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote. 11860 -- Grover Cleveland, 1905 11861% 11862Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed 11863in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way Queen 11864Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have 11865any." 11866% 11867Sex and drugs and UNIX. 11868% 11869Sex and mathematics have one thing in common. 11870You can do each while thinking about the other. 11871% 11872Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 11873 -- Sophia Loren 11874% 11875Sex is a biological function; kissing is a committment. 11876% 11877Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher. 11878% 11879Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right. 11880% 11881Sex is great, 11882Sex is grand, 11883Sex around here, 11884Is mostly by hand. 11885% 11886Sex is just one damp thing after another. 11887% 11888Sex is like a bridge game -- 11889If you have a good hand no partner is needed. 11890% 11891Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste! 11892% 11893Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved. 11894% 11895Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 11896% 11897Sex is the poor man's opera. 11898 -- G.B. Shaw 11899% 11900Sex is what women have and men want. 11901% 11902Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate. 11903% 11904SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!! 11905 details at 11! 11906% 11907Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the 11908temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at 11909the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's 11910a joke about that: 11911 11912A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a 11913service, 11914 "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 11915The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, 11916 "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 11917The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, 11918 "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 11919The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, 11920 "Look who thinks he's nobody!" 11921% 11922Share and enjoy, share and enjoy. 11923Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side. 11924Let your pal be your guide. 11925And when it breaks down or starts to annoy, 11926 or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy, 11927 'cause it digs up your hat, 11928 or has sex with your cat, 11929 sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door, 11930 and you get to the point you can't stand any more. 11931Bring it to us, we won't give a shit. 11932We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig". 11933% 11934She Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass 11935If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who's I'd Find On You 11936I'm Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave 11937It's Commode Huggin' Time In The Valley 11938If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife's Heart 11939If You Get the Feeling That I Don't Love You, Feel Again 11940I'm Ashamed To Be Here, But Not Ashamed Enough To Leave 11941It's the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy's Soul 11942My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him 11943Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load 11944I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You 11945 -- proposed Country-Western song titles 11946% 11947She asked me if I loved her still. 11948"Yes," I replied. "I've never had you any other way." 11949% 11950She begged and she pleaded for more. 11951I said, "We've already had four, 11952 And I'm sure that you've heard, 11953 Though it's somewhat absurd, 11954That eros spelt backwards is sore." 11955% 11956She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed. 11957 -- Dorothy Parker 11958% 11959She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic 11960candidates for president. 11961 -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", 11962 on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis 11963% 11964She made a thing of soft leather, 11965And topped off the end with a feather. 11966 When she poked it inside her 11967 She took off like a glider, 11968And gave up her lover forever. 11969% 11970She never liked zippers, she said, 11971Until she opened one in bed. 11972% 11973She stood there and peeled off her clothes, 11974And begged for a bang : goodness knows 11975 I am surely impure 11976 And I sizzled to scrure, 11977But the push had gone out of my hose. 11978% 11979She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together. 11980% 11981She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety, 11982When the chain on her motorcycle broke, 11983 Now she's lying in the grass, 11984 With the muffler up her ass, 11985And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes. 11986% 11987She was only: 11988 a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine. 11989 a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations. 11990 a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box. 11991 a moonshiner's daughter, but I loved her still. 11992 a chimney sweep's daughter, but she sure knew how to haul ash. 11993 a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm. 11994 a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash. 11995% 11996She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr." 11997Not because, when she came in, he kr., 11998 But she knew, just before 11999 She opened the door, 12000This same Mr. had kr. sr. 12001% 12002She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth 12003Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. She reached back and 12004unzipped her zipper. It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back 12005and unzipped it again. Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put 12006her on the top step. 12007 "How dare you?" she demanded. 12008 "Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the 12009second time I thought we'd become good friends." 12010% 12011She wasn't what one could call pretty 12012And other girls offered her pity, 12013 So nobody guessed 12014 That her Wasserman test 12015Involved half the men in the city. 12016% 12017She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down. 12018% 12019She's looking for: He's looking for: Foreplay: 120201957 Someone who'll go Her: Finding a place to put 12021Mr. Nice Guy all the way her gum 12022 Him: Wondering which word would 12023 best describe her breasts 12024 to the guys 12025 120261967 Someone who's got The first ten minutes 12027Mr. Natural rolling papers and of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" 12028 will go all the way 12029 120301977 Someone who'll go Testing the batteries 12031Mr. Goodbar all the way in leg 12032 warmers and a leather 12033 face mask 12034 120351987 Someone who's never Examination of the genitalia 12036Mr. Clean gone all the way in under the magnifying glass 12037 San Francisco that Grandma used for needle- 12038 point before she passed away 12039 -- Michael Corcoran, "National Lampoon", October 1987 12040% 12041She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with. 12042% 12043Shit happens. 12044% 12045Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a 12046totally awwwsome Apple. Fer suuure. I mean Apples are nice you 12047know? But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE 12048says that VAX's are cooler! I mean I don't really know, you know? 12049He says that he has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed 12050with memory-to-the-max! Right, yeah. And he wants to take me home 12051to show it to me. Oh My God! I'm suuure. Gag me with a Prime! 12052% 12053Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth. 12054% 12055Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray! 12056I'm agog with excitement today! 12057 And the reason of course, 12058 A reliable source, 12059Said the snow blower's heading this way!" 12060% 12061Showerbath: Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love 12062together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms 12063to attach a partner's hands. Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it 12064isn't weightbearing. See Discipline. 12065 -- The Joy of Sex 12066% 12067Sighed a neat little package named Annie : 12068"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny, 12069 Plus the yen, but the men 12070 Only call now and then-- 12071Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?" 12072% 12073Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. 12074% 12075Sixteen'll get you twenty. 12076% 12077Size counts. 12078% 12079small, adj: 12080 Is it in yet? 12081% 12082Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish. 12083% 12084Sniff sniff... Hey! Who farted? 12085% 12086Snow White: 12087 "Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches... 12088 but not an inch-and-a-half at a time! 12089% 12090"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay, 12091"Come on, take it out, and let's play." 12092 He pulled it on out, 12093 But she started to pout, 12094His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout. 12095% 12096So, good night, you moonlit ladies, 12097Rock-a-bye sweet baby James. 12098Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose, 12099Won't you let me go down in my dreams? 12100And rock-a-bye sweet baby James. 12101 -- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James" 12102% 12103So here was this fellow of Strensall 12104Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil, 12105 Anemic, 'tis true, 12106 But an interesting screw, 12107Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile. 12108% 12109So, how's your love life? 12110Still holding your own? 12111% 12112So... if you could choose any nose in the whole wide world, 12113which one would you pick? 12114% 12115So it's ai yi yi yi, 12116Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky! 12117So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, 12118And waltz me around by my willie! 12119 12120 There once was a man from Nantucket! 12121 Whose cock was so long he could suck it! 12122 He said with a grin, 12123 As he wiped off his chin, 12124 If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! 12125 12126So it's ai yi yi yi, 12127Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles! 12128So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, 12129And waltz me around by my willie! 12130 12131 There once was a young man from Boston! 12132 Who drove around town in an Austin! 12133 There was room for his ass, 12134 And a gallon of gas, 12135 So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em! 12136% 12137So it's ai yi yi yi, 12138Your sister swims out to meet troop ships! 12139So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, 12140And waltz me around by my willie! 12141 12142 There once was a man from Racine! 12143 Who invented a screwing machine! 12144 Both concave and convex, 12145 It could please either sex, 12146 But, oh, what a bastard to clean! 12147 12148So it's ai yi yi yi, 12149Your girlfriend douches with Drano! 12150So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, 12151And waltz me around by my willie! 12152 12153 One night a girl had an affair! 12154 With a fellow all covered with hair! 12155 His enormous red whang, 12156 Gave her a wonderful bang -- 12157 She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear! 12158% 12159So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the 12160lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape. Inflation 12161has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week 12162and we've got no money left for food." 12163 "Could I do anything to help?" she asked. 12164 "Yes," he said. "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way. 12165You're going to have to go out and hustle." 12166 "Me?" she asked. "At the age of sixty-five?" 12167 "It's the only way," he said. 12168Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night. She came 12169staggering in early the next morning. 12170 "How did you do?" asked the husband. 12171 "Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents." 12172 "Four dollars and ten cents," he said . "Who gave you the ten cents?" 12173 "Everybody," she said. 12174% 12175So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our 12176standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 1950s, when 12177I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was considered just 12178about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever showed was women's 12179breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would have provided adequate 12180shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect was no more explicit 12181than many publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's 12182Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue. 12183 -- Dave Barry 12184% 12185So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope. 12186 "Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two 12187Polacks who --" 12188 "My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish." 12189The salesman thought for a moment. 12190 "That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly." 12191% 12192So you fucked up... you trusted us! 12193 -- Animal House 12194% 12195So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive", 12196and you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 12197% 12198Social interaction can be fatal. Come to Irvine and live forever. 12199% 12200Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty, 12201Father, why do these words sound so nasty? 12202 -- Hair 12203% 12204Sodomy is a pain in the ass. 12205% 12206SOFTWARE: 12207 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. 12208% 12209Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us, 12210and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass. 12211% 12212Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy, 12213Drank up several bottles of sherry; 12214 In the Yard around three 12215 They were shrieking with glee: 12216"Come on out, we are burning a fairy!" 12217 -- Edward Gorey 12218% 12219Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor, 12220unassisted. 12221 -- Wilson Mizner 12222% 12223Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians 12224fucked the buffalo. 12225% 12226Some people seem to think that "damn" is God's last name. 12227% 12228Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them. 12229% 12230Some women are like musical glasses. 12231To keep them in tune they must be wet. 12232 -- Samuel Coleridge 12233% 12234Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs. 12235 -- Noel Coward 12236% 12237Something better... 12238 1223913 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? 1224014 (complememtary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to 12241 perch on. 1224215 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides? 1224316 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone. 1224417 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? 1224518 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you 12246 leave. 1224719 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once. 1224820 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He. 1224921 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair? 1225022 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine! 1225123 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the 12252 coffee ... in Brazil. 1225324 (appreciative): Oooo, how original. Most people just have their teeth 12254 capped. 1225525 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it? 12256 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" 12257% 12258Sometimes guys'll say to you, "Have a good one." I say, "I already have 12259a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one." 12260 -- George Carlin 12261% 12262Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck." 12263 -- Risky Business 12264% 12265Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water. 12266 -- Little Richard 12267% 12268SPINSTER: 12269 Unlusted number. 12270% 12271Starkle, starkle, little twink, 12272Who the hell you are I think 12273I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep 12274I'm just a little slort of sheep. 12275Tee martoonis make a guy, 12276Feel so woozy, I don't know why. 12277So mass the pixer and kill my fup 12278I've all day sober to sunday up. 12279% 12280Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence. 12281% 12282Statisticians probably do it. 12283% 12284Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!! 12285% 12286Stockmayer's Theorem: 12287 If it looks easy, it's tough. 12288 If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible. 12289% 12290STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN: 12291 Bust truster. 12292% 12293stress, n: 12294 The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's 12295 desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who 12296 desperately needs it. 12297% 12298subpoena, n: 12299 From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ 12300 or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." 12301% 12302Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard. 12303% 12304Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice. 12305 -- James P. Hogan 12306% 12307successful cunnilingus: 12308 When you wake up the next morning with a face like a 12309 frosted doughnut. 12310% 12311SUGAR DADDY: 12312 A man who can afford to raise cain. 12313% 12314Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president! 12315Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much. 12316% 12317Sure banking is Biblical! 12318 12319How about when Onan received a substantial penalty for early withdrawal? 12320Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a 12321little prophet? And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the 12322Banks of the Jordan! 12323% 12324Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life. People 12325know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. 12326% 12327swallow, v: 12328 The (blew) bird of birth control. 12329% 12330Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface. 12331% 12332Take a look around you, tell me what you see, 12333A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key. 12334If you can get close enough to look into her eyes 12335There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides. 12336 And you're fair game, 12337 You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game, 12338 Just relax, enjoy the ride. 12339Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool, 12340But do it with a little class, disregard the rules. 12341'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date. 12342The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate. 12343 (chorus) 12344The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch. 12345She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch. 12346Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie, 12347And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die. 12348 (chorus) 12349 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game" 12350% 12351Taoism: Shit Happens. 12352Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit Happens". 12353Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. 12354Hinduism: This shit has happened before. 12355Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else. 12356Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it. 12357Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? 12358% 12359TAXIDERMIST: 12360 A man who mounts animals. 12361% 12362Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep. And, like the old Basque 12363sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you, 12364it's time to spend a night in town. 12365% 12366tear leather: 12367 To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore 12368 his leather jerkin' off." 12369% 12370tearing off a quicky: 12371 Gunning the jump. 12372% 12373Teddy Kennedy: A Blond in Every Pond! 12374% 12375Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting! 12376% 12377Television is a whore. Any man who wants her full favors can have them 12378in five minutes with a pistol. 12379 -- Hijacker, quoted in "Esquire" 12380% 12381Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant. "I've 12382got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there. 12383If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for 12384life." 12385 Then the store owner left for lunch. When he returned, he was shocked 12386to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding. 12387 "My God, what happened to you?" 12388 "I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile 12389on his bloodied lips. 12390 "Congratulations," the haberdasher said. "You've got the job. But 12391what happened? Did the customer start a fight?" 12392 "Oh, no," the new salesman replied. "But his Seeing Eye dog was 12393*pissed*." 12394% 12395Tequila my girl, is deceiving: 12396Take two at the very most. 12397Take three and you're under the table, 12398Take four and you're under the host. 12399% 12400Test makers do it: 12401 A: sometimes 12402 B: always 12403 C: never 12404 D: none of the above. 12405% 12406TEXAN: 12407 A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma. 12408% 12409Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester, 12410She obliges all who accost her. 12411 She welcomes the prick 12412 Of Tom, Harry or Dick, 12413Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor. 12414% 12415That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper. 12416% 12417That Harvard don down at El Djim -- 12418Oh, wasn't it nasty of him, 12419 With the whole harem randy, 12420 The sheik himself handy, 12421To muss up a young camel's quim. 12422% 12423That naughty old Sappho of Greece 12424Said: "What I prefer to a piece 12425 Is to have my pudenda 12426 Rubbed hard by the enda 12427The little pink nose of my niece." 12428% 12429That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan 12430pipeline. Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt. When 12431he got back, he was a husky fucker. 12432% 12433The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules 12434of her particular order. The indoctrination period, which went on for hours, 12435began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at 12436nine. Candles out at ten." 12437% 12438The acrobats - Tom and Louise- 12439Do an act in the nude on their knees. 12440 They crawl down the aisle 12441 While screwing dog-style, 12442As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees." 12443% 12444The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the 12445home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks. One evening, 12446when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in- 12447law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress." Shyly, 12448the brother-in-law did as she requested. "Now," she continued, "take off my 12449slip." He again complied. "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove 12450my panties and bra." Once more James obeyed her command. 12451 Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man 12452and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James. Don't ever let 12453me catch you wearing my things again." 12454% 12455The babe, with a cry brief and dismal, 12456Fell into the water baptismal; 12457 Ere they'd gathered its plight, 12458 It had sunk out of sight, 12459For the depth of the font was abysmal. 12460 -- Edward Gorey 12461% 12462The bedsprings next door jounce and creak : 12463They have kept me awake for a week. 12464 Why do newlyweds 12465 Select squeaky beds 12466To develop their fucking technique? 12467% 12468The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar. 12469% 12470The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made. 12471Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue. 12472 -- Dumas 12473% 12474The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that 12475sex for money usually costs a lot less. 12476 -- Brendan Francis 12477% 12478The bishop of Alexandretta 12479Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her. 12480 So he thought he'd enshrine her 12481 As the Holy Vagina 12482In the Church of the Sacred French Letter. 12483% 12484The blacksmith told me before he died, 12485And I have no reason to believe that he lied, 12486That no matter how he tried, 12487His wife was never satisfied! 12488 12489And so he built a bloody great wheel, 12490Harnessed to a cock of steel, 12491Two balls of brass were filled with cream, 12492And the whole damn thing was driven by steam. 12493 12494Round and round went the bloody great wheel, 12495In and out went the cock of steel, 12496Till at last the maiden cried, 12497"Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!" 12498 12499And now we come to the crucial bit -- 12500There was no way of stopping it. 12501And she was split from hole to hole, 12502And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit... 12503% 12504The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as 12505they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, 12506 "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have 12507any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" 12508 "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot 12509fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches." 12510% 12511The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered. 12512 -- Sidney J. Hurtubise 12513% 12514The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward. 12515They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said 12516there. Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity. 12517 One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said 12518to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?" 12519 Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said, 12520"You must mean _faux_pas_." 12521 "The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass." 12522 Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French 12523phrase -- it means a social blunder. Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came 12524for dinner? Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the 12525roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn. It was bleeding quite 12526a bit so Mother brought him in the house. They went into the bathroom together 12527and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner 12528table. Remember all that, Ed?" 12529 "Yeh." 12530 "Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass 12531the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?' The gravy 12532bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all 12533over everyone. And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered, 12534'Sheee-itt!' You remember that?" 12535 "Yeh." 12536 "Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_." 12537% 12538The bustard's a remarkable fowl 12539With surely no reason to growl 12540 He escapes what would be 12541 Illegitimacy 12542By the grace of a fortunate vowel. 12543% 12544The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I? 12545% 12546The computer is the ultimate polluter: 12547Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces. 12548% 12549The country girl who became a city madam 12550has obviously gone from rags to rigids. 12551% 12552The cruelest of creatures' the crab 12553With claws that can pinch you or stab, 12554 And then when you dine 12555 On crab and white wine 12556It gets you as well with the tab. 12557% 12558The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that 12559the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance. 12560% 12561The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball 12562is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. 12563% 12564The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck". 12565% 12566The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 men 12567went down on the Titanic. 12568% 12569The difference between like and love is the 12570same as the difference between a spit and a swallow. 12571% 12572The difference between this school and a cactus plant 12573is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside. 12574% 12575The difference between women and girls 12576is as much as twenty years in some states. 12577% 12578The Dowager Duchess of Spout 12579Collapsed at the height of a rout; 12580 She found strength to say 12581 As they bore her away: 12582"I should never have taken the trout." 12583 -- Edward Gorey 12584% 12585The early worm gets the bird. 12586% 12587The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the 12588text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria". 12589% 12590The Enterprise crew when off work 12591Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk. 12592 Uhura the Zulu 12593 Is shcked up with Sulu, 12594And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk. 12595% 12596The Enterprise girls, so one hears, 12597Have chased Spock for several years. 12598 His look of disdain 12599 Has spared them great pain, 12600For his prick is as sharp as his ears. 12601% 12602The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil 12603out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. 12604 -- New Libertarian Notes, #19 12605% 12606The fearless old bishop of Brest 12607Put his faith in the Lord to the test. 12608 He fucked whores in the apse 12609 With chancres and claps, 12610But first they were sprinkled and blessed. 12611% 12612The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley 12613Came to light with its face in its belly; 12614 Her second was born 12615 With a hump and a horn, 12616And her third was as shapeles as jelly. 12617 -- Edward Gorey 12618% 12619The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into 12620the bedroom. 12621 -- Richard Lewis 12622% 12623The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick, 12624black smoke over the street. At last the blaze was under control and the 12625fire chief began accounting for his men. Two were missing, so he ordered 12626a search. Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley 12627and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a 12628garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass. 12629 "What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared. 12630 "Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on 12631top panted. 12632 "You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!" 12633the captain yelled. 12634 "I know. That's what started this," the fireman replied. 12635% 12636The Fortune Travel Agency offers a special... Vacation in Hell! 12637 -- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport. 12638 -- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island. 12639 -- Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur on the island. 12640 -- You go yachting with Natalie Wood. 12641 -- You have drinks with William Holden. 12642 -- And Roman Polanski stays at home and watches your kids. 12643% 12644The fucking ain't worth the fighting. 12645% 12646The genital area of Ann 12647Will accommodate any size man, 12648 From the wee that cause titters 12649 To the mighty twat-splitters 12650That cause screams peasants hear in Japan. 12651% 12652The girls that go to see a man's etchings 12653may not know art, but they know what they like. 12654% 12655The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured 12656their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England. 12657He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this 12658particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the 12659doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief. 12660"You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before 12661marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to 12662woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?" 12663 The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said, 12664"I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the 12665phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that 12666hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the 12667woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep 12668in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents." 12669 The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc," 12670he said. "You no tell -- I no tell." 12671% 12672The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant. 12673% 12674The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it. 12675 -- Truman Capote 12676% 12677The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics. 12678These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the 12679results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be 12680kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first 12681put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well 12682pleases. 12683 -- Sir Josiah Stamp 12684% 12685The greatest lies of all time: 12686 (1) I love you. 12687 (2) This won't hurt a bit. 12688 (3) The Mercedes is paid for. 12689 (4) The check is in the mail. 12690 (5) I was just going to call you. 12691 (6) I've always worn cowboy boots. 12692 (7) I swear I won't come in your mouth. 12693 (8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning. 12694 (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you. 12695 (10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you. 12696% 12697The Grecians were famed for fine art, 12698And buildings and stonework so smart. 12699 They distinguished with poise 12700 The men from the boys, 12701And used crowbars to keep them apart. 12702% 12703The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble: 12704 12705-- The morning after note reads: 12706 Whiting, Barbara: 12707 I enjoyed last night. We really interfaced. You looked so cute 12708 I wanted to byte your ear. 12709-- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam. 12710-- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior. 12711-- The last straw: 12712 Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new 12713 program and shows up an hour late. 12714 12715 You Don't...: 12716 Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy. 12717 You Do...: 12718 Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily 12719 indicate a malfunction. 12720% 12721The harder they come, the more important it is to have 12722an extra-firm mattress. 12723% 12724The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the 12725outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately 12726the beat of Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys. Unless these contractions 12727occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for 12728mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics. 12729 -- John Hughes, National Lampoon 12730% 12731The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink. 12732% 12733The hope that springs eternal 12734Springs right up your behind. 12735 -- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find" 12736% 12737The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a 12738particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment. 12739 "Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but 12740was it you I made love to in the library last night?" 12741 His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what 12742time?" 12743% 12744The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him 12745and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his 12746lovemaking. 12747 "Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he 12748was advised. "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet -- 12749even if it's right inside the front door." 12750 At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the 12751husband had followed his instructions. "And how did she react this time?" 12752the consultant asked. 12753 "Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still 12754sort of indifferent. But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went 12755absolutely wild!" 12756% 12757The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a 12758day early and would be home on Thursday. When he walked into his apartment, 12759however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious,he picked up his 12760bag and stormed out. He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what 12761had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning. 12762 "Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action," 12763the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed. 12764 An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club. 12765"I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph 12766in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!" 12767% 12768The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No 12769Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to 12770pull it out at the last minute. 12771 -- Not the Nine O'Clock News 12772% 12773The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite 12774two great kingdoms. Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each 12775other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full 12776account of the wedding night's progress. 12777 "It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince 12778entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my 12779honor.' Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.' 12780And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer. 12781% 12782The King named Oedipus Rex 12783Who started this fuss about sex 12784 Put the world to great pains 12785 By the spots and the stains 12786Which he made on his mother's pubex. 12787% 12788The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard 12789To make her fuck hot, but got flustered, 12790 And cried, "Oh, my dear, 12791 I am coming, I fear, 12792But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'." 12793% 12794The kings of Peru were the Incas, 12795Who were known far and wide as great drincas. 12796 They worshipped the sun 12797 And had lots of fun, 12798But the peasants all thought they were stincas. 12799% 12800The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population) 12801is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small 12802town in which virtually everyone is gay. In 1976, a group of about 100 12803gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a 12804majority on the town council. Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts 12805soon followed. "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court 12806has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our 12807anti-straight laws are equally valid." Rigorous enforcement of those laws 12808has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay. Said one long-time 12809resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't 12810want to give up sex either. Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and 12811said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his 12812wife. Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be. 12813Fact is, I rather like it." 12814% 12815The lights are on, 12816but you're not home; 12817Your will 12818is not your own; 12819Your heart sweats, 12820Your teeth grind; 12821Another kiss 12822and you'll be mine... 12823 12824You like to think that you're immune to the stuff 12825(Oh Yeah!) 12826It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough; 12827You know you're gonna have to face it, 12828You're addicted to love!" 12829 -- Robert Palmer 12830% 12831The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what 12832they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father. 12833 That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were 12834making love. Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you 12835a baby brother." 12836 "Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a 12837puppy." 12838% 12839The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package 12840containing two recently deceased monkeys. Her instructions to the proprietor 12841were delivered in a welter of tears. 12842 "Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)... Don't 12843see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed... 12844(blubber,blubber)!" 12845 "Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice, 12846"and would you care to have them mounted?" 12847 "Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands. They were just close friends." 12848% 12849The long-peckered Bey of Algiers 12850Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears. 12851 A demon for semen, 12852 This buffersome he-man 12853Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears. 12854% 12855The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate. Then she 12856whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you 12857were thinking of." Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant 12858exchange are obscure. But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke 12859a certain awful recognition. 12860 -- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books" 12861% 12862The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She 12863is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed. 12864 -- Norton 12865% 12866The Messiah will come. There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all 12867the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated. 12868 -- Rabbi Meir Kahane 12869% 12870The mind is its own place, and in itself 12871Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven. 12872What matter where, if I be still the same, 12873And what I should be, all but less than he 12874Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least 12875We shall be free; the almighty hath not built 12876Here for his envy, will not drive us hence; 12877Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice, 12878To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell: 12879Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven. 12880 -- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263 12881% 12882The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get. 12883% 12884The more I learn about women, the more I love my dog. 12885% 12886The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?" 12887% 12888The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive 12889jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad. 12890% 12891The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was 12892"Are you sure you're not a cop?" 12893 -- Larry Brown 12894% 12895The most unfair thing about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) is 12896that the guys who bought vasectomies have to wear condoms anyway. 12897% 12898The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their 12899virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which 12900you win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to 12901stimulate in order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the 12902man who can thrill you by just touching your head or smiling into 12903your eyes - or just by staring into space. 12904 -- Marilyn Monroe 12905% 12906The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two 12907adopted children. 12908 -- Paul Ehrlich 12909% 12910The moving finger having writ... gestures. 12911% 12912The moyel who treated young Alec 12913Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic. 12914 Presented the child 12915 His aim was so wild 12916He rendered the poor boy biphallic. 12917% 12918The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on 12919their wedding night and reprimanded him severly. 12920 "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at 12921the dinner table." 12922 Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair 12923and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a 12924hint of a smile. 12925 "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." 12926 "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you 12927be so kind as to please pass the pussy?" 12928% 12929The new cinematic emporium 12930Is not just a super-sensorium, 12931 But a highly effectual 12932 Heterosexual 12933Mutual masturbatorium. 12934% 12935The new local cinematorium 12936Is not only a super sensorium, 12937 But a highly effectual 12938 Heterosexual 12939Mutual masturbatorium. 12940% 12941The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could 12942hardly speak. He asked his Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor 12943replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water 12944pitcher. The next Sunday, after following the Monsignor's advice, the priest 12945returned to the rectory to find a note from that worthy. 12946 12947 1. Next time sip rather than gulp. 12948 2. There are ten commandments, not 12. 12949 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 12950 4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T". 12951 5. The recommended grace before meals is not, 12952 "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yaaaay, God!" 12953 6. Do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his 12954 Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys". 12955 7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 12956 8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred 12957 to as, "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook". 12958 9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never The Mary with the Cherry. 12959 10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a 12960 Taffy-Pulling Contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling 12961 Contest at St. Taffy's. 12962% 12963The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard. From resplendent comb 12964to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood. Almost immediately 12965upon arrival, he was greeted by and elderly rooster who took him behind the 12966barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime. All I 12967want now is peace and solitude. So you take over right now as ruler of the 12968roost with my blessings." 12969 The newcomer did just that. He went about his squirely duties as only 12970a young rooster could. After several days, however, the elder rooster again 12971took the young champion behind the barn. "Kid," he said, "the hens are after 12972me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say, 12973ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the 12974henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me. 12975 The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed. 12976Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart, 12977weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to 12978overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster 12979maintained a formidable lead. 12980 Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the 12981dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot. 12982 "Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy 12983from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer." 12984% 12985The nipples of Sarah Sarong 12986When excited are twelve inches long 12987 This embarassed her lover 12988 Who was pained to discover 12989She expected no less of his dong 12990% 12991The notorious Duchess of Peels 12992Saw a fisherman fishing for eels. 12993 Said she, "Would you mind? -- 12994 Shove one up my behind. 12995I am anxious to know how it feels." 12996% 12997The office brown-noser named Bunky 12998Would claim he was nobody's flunky. 12999 But when the chips were all down, 13000 His proboscis was brown, 13001And there hung many strands which were gunky. 13002% 13003The old archeologist, Throstle, 13004Discovered a marvelous fossil. 13005 He knew from its bend 13006 And the knot on the end, 13007T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. 13008% 13009The once was a man from Bombay 13010Who modeled his cunts out of clay 13011 So hot was his prick 13012 That he turned them to brick 13013And rubbed all his foreskin away. 13014% 13015The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is 13016that a doorknob warms up when you hold it. 13017% 13018The only difference between your girlfriend 13019and a barracuda is the nailpolish. 13020% 13021The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist. 13022 -- Stendhal 13023% 13024The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is 13025that there's nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it. 13026% 13027The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill. 13028 -- Mike O'Dell 13029% 13030The only way for writers to meet is to share a quick pee over a common 13031lamp-post. 13032 -- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir" 13033% 13034The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in 13035bed with a dead girl or a live boy. 13036 -- Edwin Edwards, Louisian governor 13037% 13038The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to 13039her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain. 13040 -- Oscar Wilde 13041% 13042The only way you'll ever hear from 13043me is if you're living in the same hell. 13044 -- Roy Harper 13045% 13046The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the 13047catch to the diskette reader. Uncontrollably, she reached down, 13048guiding the sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot. 13049The floppy diskette nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of 13050her hand, until finally she could control it no longer, her right 13051hand instinctively taking an option zero. And then it all came at 13052once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette 13053to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs 13054of the 32 strained to remain on the floor. 13055% 13056The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me. 13057% 13058The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man. 13059 "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?" 13060 "That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over. 13061"What IS your name?" 13062% 13063The partition of Vavasour Scowles 13064Was a sickener: they came on his bowels 13065 In a firkin; his brain 13066 Was found clogging a drain, 13067And his toes were inside of some towels. 13068 -- Edward Gorey 13069% 13070The penis mightier than the sword. 13071% 13072the perfect worman: 13073 Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest 13074 your drink. 13075 13076 [Pistol-grip ears? Ed.] 13077% 13078The pleasure is momentary, 13079The position ridiculous, 13080The expense damnable. 13081 -- Chesterfield, on sex 13082% 13083The pleasure is transitory, the cost 13084prohibitive, and the position ridiculous. 13085 -- Disraeli, on sex 13086% 13087The plural of spouse is spice. 13088 -- R.A. Heinlein 13089% 13090The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman 13091who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office. His voluptuous private 13092secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had 13093been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago. 13094 "After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a 13095twenty-dollar raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his 13096private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings 13097and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At the end of the 13098third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me 13099into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet 13100and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost. 13101I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it 13102for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten 13103dollars. That's when he jumped out the window." 13104% 13105The poor little doe 13106Crawled out of the woods, 13107Tired, bedraggled and blue. 13108"Look," she said, "What I did for a buck, 13109I should have asked for two!" 13110% 13111The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He stops 13112for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think 13113of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?" 13114 "Aunt," replies the Cardinal. 13115 "Say, thanks," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?" 13116% 13117The prick of the engineer, Scott, 13118Fell off from Saturnian rot. 13119 He went to the basement 13120 And made a replacement 13121Of tungsten and plastic and snot. 13122% 13123The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two 13124one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in. 13125He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael. The next week he 13126noticed the same thing. So he waited outside church when mass was over, and 13127as Michael came out, he accosted his and said, 13128 "Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two 13129singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?" 13130 Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I 13131wanted to go downtown for a blow job." 13132 The priest looked suprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do 13133that anymore. I'll be watching you from now on." 13134 When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed. 13135Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother, 13136you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you. 13137What is a blow job?" 13138 Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown." 13139% 13140The problem with being best man at a wedding 13141is that you never get a chance to prove it. 13142% 13143The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a 13144Senator. After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state, 13145how is Brown going to get to Washington? 13146% 13147The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble. 13148 -- Thomas Carlyle 13149% 13150The quality of a blow-job is determined by the 13151length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass. 13152% 13153The randy old Bey of Algiers 13154Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers, 13155 Tried a cunt for a change, 13156 And remarked : "It felt strange ... 13157Just think what I've missed all these years!" 13158% 13159The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have 13160to walk around in front every time you want to kiss her. 13161% 13162The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy. 13163% 13164The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because 13165they can't masturbate. 13166% 13167The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the 13168rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work. 13169% 13170The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located. 13171% 13172The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher 13173Called a girl a most elegant creature. 13174 So she laid on her back 13175 And, exposing her crack, 13176Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!" 13177% 13178The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher 13179Called a hen a most elegant creature. 13180 The hen, pleased with that, 13181 Laid an egg in his hat -- 13182And thus did the hen reward Beecher. 13183 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 13184% 13185The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR. 13186% 13187The rich man uses vaseline, 13188 The poor man uses lard; 13189The worker uses axle grease 13190 But gets it twice as hard. 13191% 13192The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date. He was 13193certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others. 13194 "Some moon out tonight,"he cooed. 13195 "There certainly is," she agreed. 13196 "Some really bright stars in the sky." 13197 She nodded. 13198 "Some dew on the grass." 13199 "Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort." 13200% 13201The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the 13202community. The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald. 13203% 13204The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a 13205dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said... 13206 "It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!" 13207% 13208The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth. 13209 -- Diana Rigg 13210% 13211The sex life of spiders is very interesting. 13212He fucks her. 13213She bites his head off. 13214 -- From a Women's Lib Poster 13215% 13216The sex was nice, but confusing. The whole situation kept going di-polar 13217on Sta-Hi. One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd 13218survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely 13219woman to be husbanded. But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind 13220her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public 13221toilet. Just like with any other woman for him, really. 13222 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software" 13223% 13224The Shah of the Empire of Persia 13225Lay for days in a sexual merger. 13226 When the nautch asked the Shah, 13227 "Won't you ever withdraw?" 13228He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia." 13229% 13230The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his 13231doctor that his marriage was still in name only. The doctor, after hearing 13232the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing 13233psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he 13234felt in the mood. A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again, 13235and noticed a new spring in his step. "My advice worked, I take it?" he 13236inquired. 13237 The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having 13238supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It 13239was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the 13240dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's 13241just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..." 13242% 13243The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray 13244At breakfast with horrid dismay, 13245 So he launched off the spoons 13246 The pits from his prunes 13247At their heads as they neared the buffet. 13248 -- Edward Gorey 13249% 13250The skater, Barbara Ann Scott 13251Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot, 13252 That when posed on her toes 13253 She elaborately shows 13254Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat. 13255% 13256The spouse of a pretty young thing 13257Came home from the wars in the spring. 13258 He was lame but he came 13259 With his dame like a flame -- 13260A discharge is a wondeful thing. 13261% 13262The star of that X-rated hit 13263Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit. 13264 This serves as a palace 13265 For each turgid phallus-- 13266Some say that the plot is pure shit. 13267% 13268The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming. 13269% 13270The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it 13271like that of wrestling with a fine woman. 13272 -- Lord Halifax 13273% 13274The Sultan was peeved with his harem, 13275And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em. 13276 He caught a big mouse 13277 Which he loosed in the house. 13278(Such confusion is called harem-scarem). 13279% 13280The sun was shining brightly The breeze was blowing briskly, 13281And I could hardly wait, It made the flowers sway, 13282To ponder at my window The garden was enchanting 13283And gaze at my estate. On this inspiring day. 13284 13285My eyes fell on a little bird, I smiled at him cheerfully 13286With a beautiful yellow bill, And gave him a crust of bread, 13287I beckoned him to come and light And then I closed the window 13288Upon my window sill. And smashed his fucking head. 13289 -- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith 13290% 13291"The testes are cooler outside," 13292Said the doc to the curious bride, 13293 "For the semen must no 13294 Get too fucking hot, 13295And the bag fans your bum on the ride." 13296% 13297"The testes are cooler outside," 13298Said the doc to the curious bride, 13299 "For the semen must not 13300 Get too fucking hot, 13301And the bag fans your bum on the ride." 13302% 13303The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman. 13304% 13305The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker. 13306% 13307The three sexual positions during preganancy. 13308 13309During the first four months: Missionary style 13310During the second four months: Doggie style 13311And during the last month: Coyote style 13312 13313Coyote style? 13314 You sit by the hole and howl. 13315% 13316The time has come for kicking ass and taking names. 13317% 13318The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner 13319threatened to spread to adjoining homes. Just then, a truck filled with 13320farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire. The crowd moved 13321back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames. The workers 13322jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the 13323blaze under control. 13324 The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they 13325gave each a plaque and $1000. After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the 13326driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money. 13327 "You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied, 13328"is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!" 13329% 13330The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true. 13331% 13332The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel. They 13333were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut 13334off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms. 13335Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion, 13336he said his prayers. As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly 13337flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room. 13338He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway. "It's too late, 13339called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray." 13340% 13341The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took 13342great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions. 13343This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar. 13344The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration, 13345ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed, 13346 "By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!" 13347The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted, 13348 "Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!" 13349% 13350The two things that you should never lend out are your car 13351or your woman. Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one. 13352% 13353The Unitarians are really just a bunch of athiests who really 13354like going to church. 13355% 13356The Utah version of this joke goes: 13357 One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents' 13358office one day. The President looks up and says "Brother, what is so important 13359that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?" 13360 The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is 13361in the lobby!!" 13362 The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come! The 13363prophecies are fullfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!" 13364 The Council member says "Wait! You didn't let me finish! She's... 13365black, and SHE IS PISSED!" 13366% 13367The very proper spinster didn't go out very often, but she had some important 13368shopping to do that morning and so decided to have her lunch in what appeared 13369to be a nice quiet respectable restaurant. With the noontime crowd, many 13370customers shared their tables with strangers; the spinster selected a seat 13371next to an attractive, young office girl. The girl finished her sandwich and 13372coffee, then settled back and lit up a cigarette. The older woman controlled 13373herself for a few moments and then snapped, 13374 "I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public." 13375 "So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch." 13376% 13377The voters have spoken, the bastards... 13378% 13379The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing. 13380% 13381The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a 13382hearing. The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily 13383accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually. 13384 "I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden 13385said. 13386 "I don't care. I tell you it is true. He raped me, warden." The 13387youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner. 13388"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against 13389nature. The bully!" 13390 "Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened." 13391 "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same 13392evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on 13393Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since." 13394% 13395The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the 13396absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum. 13397 -- Havelock Ellis 13398% 13399The wife of young Richard of Limerick 13400Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick, 13401 Still grows in diameter 13402 Each time that you ram at her; 13403How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?" 13404% 13405The woman who lives on the moon 13406Is still cherishing the balloon 13407 Of an earthling who'd come 13408 And given her some, 13409But had dribbled away all too soon. 13410% 13411The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great 13412deal of money. The woman who gives herself takes all your time. 13413 -- Balzac 13414% 13415The word `spine' is, of course, an anagram of `penis'. This is true in 13416almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have 13417attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in 13418silly puns about "standing erect". 13419% 13420The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter 13421Is not merely reading a meter. 13422 By orders of Kirk 13423 A part of his work 13424Is dosing the food with saltpeter. 13425% 13426The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. 13427% 13428The world is so full of a number of things, 13429I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings. 13430 I'll tell you a story-- 13431 It won't take me long-- 13432Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song. 13433 13434There was an old fellow and what do you think? 13435He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink. 13436 He whacked it, he hacked it, 13437 He ate it with glee- 13438Was there ever a fellow so happy as he? 13439 13440This charming old chap had a sister as well : 13441She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell. 13442 Her cunt was so dirty 13443 It stank like a beast, 13444And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast. 13445 13446What a wonderful family! What marvellous style! 13447I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile. 13448 Their odor and diet 13449 Won't soon be forgotton, 13450And one day you and I may be equally rotten. 13451% 13452The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her 13453first visit home since starting college. 13454 "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity 13455last weekend." 13456 "I'm not suprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner 13457or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." 13458 "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight 13459guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore." 13460% 13461The young stud walked into a bordello. After he took his clothes off, the 13462woman was puzzled to see him put a clothespin on his nose, stuff cotton in 13463his ears, and put a prophylactic on his penis. 13464 "Hey," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?" 13465 "Well, ma'am", replied the stud, "there are two things I just can't 13466stand. A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber." 13467% 13468Then there was the girl who was engaged 13469to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off. 13470% 13471Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or 13472swear, and never, ever made a pass at her. He also made his own dresses. 13473% 13474Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting 13475for his girl's honor. It seems she wanted to keep it. 13476% 13477Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris. 13478After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged 13479for a day off to rest and got it. With the wife gone shopping again, he 13480went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne. They got on 13481well until the question of money came up. She wanted a hundred American 13482dollars; he offered fifty. They couldn't get together on the price; so 13483they didn't get together. That evening he escorted his wife to one of the 13484nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous 13485babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door. 13486 "See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her. "Look what you got 13487for your lousy fifty bucks." 13488% 13489Then there was the Scot that wanted to rob a jewelry store -- he tossed a 13490brick through the show window and ran off with a king's ransom. They 13491caught him when he came back for the brick. 13492% 13493There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire. 13494% 13495There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists, Every sperm is sacred, 13496there are Hindus and Mormons and then Every sperm is great, 13497there are those that follow Mohammed ...But... If a sperm is wasted, 13498I've never been one of them. God gets quite irate. 13499 13500I am a Roman Catholic Every sperm is wanted, 13501And have been since before I was born, Every sperm is good. 13502And the one thing they say about Catholics is Every sperm is needed, 13503They'll take you as soon as you're warm. In your neighborhood. 13504 13505You don't have to be a six-footer. Let the heathens spill theirs, 13506You don't have to have a great brain. On the dusty ground. 13507You don't have to have any clothes on, God shall make them pay for 13508You're a Catholic the moment Dad came Each sperm that can't be found. 13509...Because... 13510 13511Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Every sperm is useful, 13512spill theirs just anywhere Every sperm is fine. 13513but God loves those who treat their God needs everybodies, 13514semen with more care. Mine, and mine, and mine. 13515 -- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred" 13516% 13517There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest. 13518% 13519There are only six Democrats in all of Hinsdale County and you, you son of 13520a bitch, you ate five of them. 13521 -- Colorado judge, sentencing Alfred E. Packer for 13522 cannibalism in 1874. 13523% 13524There are so many people wanting a piece of my ass that some of them 13525are having to take turns. 13526 -- T.K. 13527% 13528There are some things we mustn't expose, 13529So we hide them away in our clothes. 13530 Oh, it's shocking to stare 13531 At what's certainly there-- 13532But why this is so, heaven knows. 13533% 13534There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The 13535president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so 13536competent that he's not sure which one to choose. So he devises a little 13537test. One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their 13538desks. #1 returns it to him immediately. #2 pockets it. #3 invests 13539in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning. Who gets the 13540promotion? The one with the big tits! 13541% 13542There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's. 13543% 13544There are two trees in the forest. They are very proud trees. One day 13545they notice a sapling half-way between them. 13546 One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!" 13547 "No, that is a son of a birch!" insists the other. 13548 "A son of a BEECH!" 13549 "A son of a BIRCH!" 13550 "Son of a beech!" 13551 "Son of a birch!" 13552 13553The fighting attracts a woodpecker who informs them that he can tell what 13554kind of tree the sapling is by its taste. First he tastes the beech and 13555the birch. Then he tastes the sapling. "Well now, is that a son of a 13556beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech. 13557 "You're both wrong!" says the bird. "That's the best piece of ash 13558I've had my pecker in for a long time!" 13559% 13560There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a 13561woman's breasts. One is not enough and three are too many. 13562% 13563There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco -- 13564the pervertible. The top doesn't go down, but the driver does. 13565% 13566There is a young faggot named Mose 13567Who insists that you fuck his long nose. 13568 And you'll double the joy 13569 Of this lecherous boy 13570If you'll tickle his balls with your toes. 13571% 13572There is a young lady named Aird, 13573Whose bottom is always kept bared. 13574 When asked why she pouts, 13575 She says "The Boy Scouts, 13576All beg me to please Be Prepared!" 13577% 13578There is nothing as overrated as a bad 13579lay, or as underrated as a great shit. 13580% 13581There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight. 13582Boring your friends about it is the sin. 13583 -- Mama Liz 13584% 13585There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass 13586And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island. 13587Where seagulls flew over their nest. 13588She combed the long hair which hung over her... shoulders. 13589And caused her to tickle and itch. 13590The sailor cried out "There's a beautiful... mermaid. 13591A sittin' out there on the rocks." 13592The crew came a running, all grabbing their... glasses. 13593And crowded four deep to the rail. 13594All eager to share in this fine piece of... news. 13595... 13596"Throw out a line and we'll lasso her... flippers. 13597And soon we will certainly find 13598If mermaids are better before or be... brave 13599My dear fellows," The captain cried out. 13600And cursing with spleen. 13601This song may be dull, but it's certainly clean. 13602 -- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt 13603% 13604There was a man who, every day, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, 13605glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the 13606man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it 13607and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the 13608front page before discarding it?" 13609 The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries." 13610 "But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper." 13611 "Young man," he replied, "the son-of-a-bitch I'm looking for will 13612be on the front page." 13613 -- Attributed to FDR. 13614% 13615There was a young man hitchiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the 13616driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?" 13617 He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat." 13618 And the driver slammed the door and rode off. The guy was pretty 13619discouraged when another car came along, and the driver asked the same 13620question. 13621 The guy answered, "Uh, I'm a Democrat." 13622 And again, the driver slammed the door and rode off. Now he was 13623downright confused when another car came along. The driver was an attractive 13624lady, and she asked the same question. 13625 He answered: "I'm a Republican." 13626 And she answered, "Well, then, hop on in." 13627 They drove on for a few minutes when he began to notice that her 13628skirt was beginning to get hiked up on her thighs. Finally, he couldn't take 13629it any more, and said "Ma'am, stop the car and let me out. I've only been 13630a Republican for 15 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!" 13631% 13632There was a young tenor named Springer, 13633Got his testicles caught in a wringer. 13634 He hollered in pain, 13635 As they rolled down the drain, 13636"There goes my career as a singer!" 13637% 13638There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well, 13639rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on", 13640or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing 13641the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up. 13642 One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry 13643tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie, 13644feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood, 13645but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to 13646participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not 13647in the mood for doing any laundry tonite." 13648 Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom 13649and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living 13650room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing 13651some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small 13652load!" 13653% 13654There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth- 13655brushes. His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to 13656follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such 13657good results. It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the 13658corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the 13659assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side various chips and garnishes 13660and a bowl of brownish stuff. He would grab a likely customer and give them 13661the following pitch. 13662 "Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for --- brand 13663of chip dip. Would you care to give it a try?" 13664 At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream 13665in utter disgust, "This tastes like shit!" 13666 The salesman would smile and say, "It is. You want to buy a 13667toothbrush?" 13668% 13669There was something about her I liked, 13670but I couldn't put my finger on it. 13671% 13672There were the Scots 13673Who kept the Sabbath 13674And everything else they could lay their hands on. 13675Then there were the Welsh 13676Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors. 13677Thirdly there were the Irish 13678Who never knew what they wanted 13679But were willing to fight for it anyway. 13680Lastly there were the English 13681Who considered themselves a self-made nation 13682Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility. 13683% 13684There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past. He buys me 13685a brandy... Could it be he's really just after my ass? 13686 -- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends" 13687% 13688There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and 13689treat them as victims of social circumstance. You buy that, you pay with your 13690soul. It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's 13691not whites who limit blacks. What limits people is lack of character. What 13692limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star 13693in their own movie, let alone direct it. 13694 -- Bernard Mickey Wrangle 13695% 13696There's a vas deferens between men and women. 13697% 13698There's amnesia in a hangknot, 13699And comfort in the ax, 13700But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax. 13701 There's surcease in a gunshot, 13702 And sleep that comes from racks, 13703 But a handy draft of poison avoids the harshest tax. 13704You find rest on the hot squat, 13705Or gas can give you pax, 13706But the closest corner chemist has peace in packaged stacks. 13707 There's refuge in the church lot 13708 When you tire of facing facts, 13709 And the smoothest route is poison prescribed by kindly quacks. 13710Chorus: With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels, 13711 Death comes quiet, or it comes with squeals -- 13712 But the pleasantest place to find your end 13713 Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend. 13714 -- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road" 13715% 13716There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip. 13717% 13718There's more than one way to skin a cat: 13719 Way #3 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. 13720 Way #27 -- Use an electric sander. 13721 Way #32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. 13722 Way #33 -- A bicycle pump. 13723% 13724There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? 13725A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. 13726 -- Billy Joel 13727% 13728There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure. 13729 -- David Mairowitz 13730% 13731They ought to make butt-flavored cat food. 13732 -- Gallagher 13733% 13734They watched the sun slowly sink behind the hills, and the fiery glow on the 13735lake fade into darkness. He eyed her shadowy figure, accentuated by the moon- 13736light, as the tension from within began to fuel his animalistic desires. 13737She followed him, ever so quietly, as they sought a secluded corner in the 13738barn. Alone! At last. His hands roamed about her soft back, around to her 13739thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples. Oh, how smooth and succulent 13740she was! "Was it so wrong?", he asked himself. No, he thought, for his 13741father had done it, as did his own father, ad infinitum. The boiling, 13742uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable. She signalled her eagerness, 13743spreading her legs, as he grasped her nipples again. Stroking, again and 13744again, longer each time. It began coming; again, again, again, again. His 13745mind raced with fear "Will it stop?". Exhausted, he lay down beside her. 13746"Dear God, what have I done?". Suddenly, his father burst in. His eyes 13747burned as he stared for what seemed an eternity. Finally, his father spoke. 13748 "Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!" 13749% 13750This Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance. 13751Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and 13752 took my Russian watch. 13753Desk Sergeant: Come again? 13754Czech: Right out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and 13755 took my Russian watch. 13756DS: You're confused. Why would there be a Swiss soldier here? And who 13757 would want to own a Russian watch? It was a Russian soldier who 13758 knocked you down and took your Swiss watch, right? 13759Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me. 13760% 13761This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women 13762stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, 13763looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a 13764stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly 13765desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a 13766one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he 13767decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it, 13768and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the 13769steps to find, to his suprise, that the crowded bar was now empty. 13770 "Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?" 13771 From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when 13772the shit hit the fan?" 13773% 13774This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are 13775really bothering him. The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells 13776him to come back in a week for a checkup. "How's it going?" he asks 13777the patient a week later. 13778 "I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man. "For all the 13779good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass." 13780% 13781This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two 13782-- black eyes; a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th' 13783other way... they stopped to talk... "Hey guy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja 13784git them good lookin' shiners? Musta been a helluva fight." 13785 "Well, actually, I got them in church," sez he. 13786 "Nowwaitaminnit," sez the friend, "nobody gits black eyes in church!" 13787 "I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened. We all got up 13788to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all 13789stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an' 13790all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her. And you know what? 13791She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!" 13792 "Well," his buddy replies, after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff 13793explains one of 'em. Howdja git th' other one?" 13794 "Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does 13795me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in." 13796% 13797This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller: 13798 13799Man: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account." 13800Teller: "Excuse me, sir?" 13801M: "Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account." 13802T: "Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language." 13803M: "LOOK! I just want to open a fuckin' savings account." 13804T: "Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager." 13805 13806The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank 13807manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth. 13808 13809Mgr: "Can I help you, sir?" 13810M: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account." 13811Mgr: "Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request 13812 that you not use abusive language to our tellers." 13813M: "Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to 13814 open a fuckin' savings account!" 13815Mgr: "I see. And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?" 13816% 13817This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive. 13818"My husband!" she screams. He panics and jumps out the window. He finds 13819himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide 13820except in a crowd of joggers. As he runs along, a woman looks over and says, 13821 "Do you always jog in the nude?" 13822 "Yes ma'am!" he replies. 13823 "Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks. 13824 "Yes ma'am!" he replies. 13825 "Do you always wear a condom?" 13826 "Only when it rains, lady. Only when it rains." 13827% 13828This here's the wattle 13829The emblem of our land 13830You can stick it in a bottle 13831Or you can hold it in your hand. 13832 -- Monty Python 13833% 13834This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He 13835obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks 13836and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon. Swinging 13837off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an 13838affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging 13839on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its 13840tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole. 13841 "What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed. 13842 "Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors. 13843 "Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?" 13844 "Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy. 13845% 13846This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. 13847If this had been an actual emergency, you would have known it! 13848% 13849This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week. 13850% 13851This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. 13852So I'll put in "di-dah" for the filthy words. 13853 13854 Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, 13855 Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; 13856 Di-dah di-dah di-dah? 13857 Di-dah di-dah di-dah. 13858 Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. 13859% 13860This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would 13861stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers. One night, 13862the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be 13863with us much longer." The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it 13864off as childish whimsy. The next day, however, he received a call from his 13865mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning. 13866During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's 13867prayers, but noticed nothing unusual. Then, one night, the boy ended his 13868prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer." 13869Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening 13870weeks, he nontheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to 13871bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the 13872news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series 13873of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month 13874later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't 13875be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was 13876going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake 13877and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing 13878a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying 13879dead on the doorstep, was the milkman. 13880% 13881This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore. 13882% 13883This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00. 13884% 13885THORNY: 13886 A thailor at thea. 13887% 13888Thou shalt not omit adultery. 13889% 13890Thought: 13891 Girls get minks the same way minks get minks! 13892% 13893Three fine Irish lads, O'Rourke, O'Malley and O'Donnell, worked together at 13894the local brewery. One day, as fate would have it, O'Rourke fell into one 13895of the beer vats and drowned. O'Malley and O'Donnell, completely crestfallen, 13896had to break the news to his wife. 13897 They went 'round the Widow O'Rourke's house and informed her that her 13898poor dear Patrick had drowned in a beer vat that very day. Choking back her 13899tears, she asked them "Tell me now, did me poor Patty suffer much?" 13900 "I don't think so," replied O'Donnell. "He climbed out twice to take 13901a piss." 13902% 13903Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would 13904be. The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending 13905over in their tight pants. 13906 "Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little 13907costumes, and think of the holds." 13908 "Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be 13909pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper 13910right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys 13911rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming, 13912`Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!" 13913% 13914Three minutes of serious sex and I need eight hours of sleep and 13915a bowl of Wheaties. 13916 -- Richard Pryor 13917% 13918Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools, 13919and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean. Fools and 13920women will take a little longer. 13921 -- Spiro Agnew 13922% 13923Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, 13924however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except 13925for Laurie's. Laurie never seems to have her laundry out when it rains. 13926 So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes 13927on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come when it 13928never rains when you have your laundry out?" 13929 "Well," replies Laurie, "when I wake up in the morning, I check out 13930my husband Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's 13931going to be a great day. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know 13932it might rain. I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!" 13933 "Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman. 13934 "Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry." 13935% 13936Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the 13937better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was 13938going to test their ability at situation reasoning. 13939 "Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft 13940alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several 13941sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid 13942the problem?" 13943 "I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and 13944flee," said the first girl. 13945 "I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded 13946the second woman. 13947 "Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation, 13948but I fail to see the problem." 13949% 13950three-bag ugly, adj: 13951 That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your 13952 head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep 13953 it from howling. 13954 13955four-bag ugly, adj: 13956 When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by. 13957% 13958Through a major bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner. 13959You seriously consider the job because it gives you: 13960 13961 1: Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches. 13962 2: Lots of gold fillings and bridges. 13963 3: Free blood. 13964 4: A constantly changing array of new friends who aren't at 13965 all stuffy about what happens to their genitalia. 13966% 13967Tim and I a hunting went 13968We found three damsels in a tent, 13969As they were three, and we were two, 13970I bucked one and Timbuktu. 13971 -- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu" 13972% 13973'Tis the dream of each programmer, 13974Before his life is done, 13975To write three lines of APL, 13976And make the damn things run. 13977% 13978To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature. 13979% 13980To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs. 13981% 13982To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and 13983then somehow get her clothes back on her. Finally, so she will allow you 13984to leave her, you've got to annoy her. 13985 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Amphitryon 38" 13986% 13987Today is gonna be one helluva week! 13988% 13989Todays title: 13990 Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships 13991% 13992Tonight's piss is tommorrow's Tang. 13993 -- An American astronaut 13994% 13995tourist, n: 13996 A pretty girl in Oklahoma. 13997% 13998Tourist to New Yorker: 13999 "Pardon me, sir, do you know what time it is, or should I 14000 just go fuck myself?" 14001% 14002transvestite, n: 14003 Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary. 14004% 14005Tri Delts; everyone else has. 14006% 14007TRUST: 14008 Two cannibals having oral sex. 14009% 14010trust me: 14011 Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse 14012 she rode in on." 14013% 14014T-shirt of the Day: 14015 Head for the Mountains 14016 -- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer 14017 14018Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background): 14019 If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch! 14020 -- courtesy someone else 14021% 14022T-shirt of the Day: 14023 14024 See Dick Drink... 14025 See Dick Drive... 14026 See Dick Die. 14027 DON'T BE A DICK. 14028% 14029T-shirt of the Week: 14030 I'm not excited, I'm cold! 14031% 14032'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod 14033Did groove and trip out at the pad: "Beware the Radcliff girl, my son! 14034All whimsy were the slamming chicks, The looks that mell, the claws that 14035And the Radcliffe undergrad. catch! 14036 Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun 14037He took his venerable staff in hand: The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" 14038Long time the cool young stuff he 14039 sought -- And as in raffish thought he sprawled, 14040So rested he among the spree The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, 14041And paused to smoke some pot. Crept past the hippies getting balled 14042 And doffed her miniskirt. 14043One, two! One, two! And through 14044 and through "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? 14045The venerable staff went snicker-snack! Come to my arms, my horny boy! 14046He left her bred, sans maidenhead, O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" 14047And went galumphing back. He cackled in his joy. 14048 14049'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod 14050Did groove and trip out at the pad: 14051All whimsy were the slamming chicks, 14052And the Radcliffe undergrad. 14053% 14054Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but 14055twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building. 14056 -- Wilde 14057% 14058Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. 14059The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other 14060side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold 14061watch. 14062 The next day, in school, the two boys are showing each other what 14063they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and 14064so they trade. 14065 That night, the Italian boy is at home and his father sees him 14066looking at his new watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" he asks. 14067 The boy explains the trade, and the father blows his top. "Whatta 14068you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!" 14069 "Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day 14070you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta 14071you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'" 14072% 14073Two gentlemen met at the club after a long absence and talked. 14074 "Did you hear about Chumley?", one asked. 14075 "No, old man, what about him?" 14076 "Last seen in Africa, you know." 14077 "No, I didn't." 14078 "Yes. Appalling. Ran off with a gorilla. Fallen in love." 14079 "Queer." 14080 "Not Chumley. Female gorilla." 14081% 14082Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them 14083whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed 14084like hours. 14085 "I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward 14086the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel 14087and went back to where his companion was waiting. 14088 "Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly. "One of them's my wife 14089and the other's my mistress!" 14090 "I'll ask," said Jim. He started off, only to turn and come back 14091before reaching the green. 14092 "What's wrong?" Bill asked. 14093 "Small world, isn't it?" 14094% 14095Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island - 14096 14097Two weeks later, the woman was so ashamed of what she 14098had been doing, she committed suicide. 14099 14100Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they 14101had been doing, they buried her. 14102 14103Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they 14104had been doing, they dug her back up. 14105% 14106Two men, both close to retirement, are working on the assembly line. One 14107boasts to the other, "Last night I made love to my wife *three* times!" 14108 "Three times!", replies his friend. "How did you do it?" 14109 "Well," says the first man, "I made love to my wife and set the 14110alarm clock for two hours later. When it went off we made love again. 14111Then, I reset it for the morning and we made love once more before I came 14112to work. I feel like a bull!" 14113 His friend says, "Well, that *is* fantastic! I'm going to have 14114to give it a try." So, he goes home that night and makes love to his 14115wife. Figuring he doesn't need to set the alarm clock, he settles off 14116to sleep. Waking up a few hours later, he nudges his wife and they make love 14117again. Waking up in the morning he makes love to his wife for the third 14118time. Looking over at the clock he realizes that he's twenty minutes late 14119for work. He throws on his clothes and runs down to the subway. When 14120he gets to the factory his boss is standing there waiting. 14121 "Frank", he says, "I've been working for you for 18 years, and I've 14122never been late before. You've got to forgive me twenty minutes this once!" 14123 "Well," replies his boss, "okay, but it's not the twenty minutes 14124that had me worried. Where were you Tuesday, where were you Wednesday..." 14125% 14126Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd 14127lay licking his balls. One man says to the other, "Damn, I wish I could 14128do that." 14129 The other man replies, "Well, it's okay by me, but I think you 14130ought to get to know him a little first." 14131% 14132Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother 14133Superior. Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse 14134me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?" 14135 Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget 14136nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish. Again the reply 14137was no. 14138 The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question. "Beggin' 14139your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at 14140all, anywhere?" The nun shook her head. 14141 At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand 14142on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!" 14143% 14144Two nuns, a mother superior and a new nun, are walking home one night from 14145church when they are attacked by two vicious rapists. The two men drag the 14146nuns off into the bushes and proceed to have their way with them. The mother 14147superior is very afraid, but she knows that God will protect her. To show her 14148strength and trust in God she yells out "Forgive him Father, for he knows not 14149what he does!" 14150 To which the young nun replies "Oooooh, mine does!!" 14151% 14152Two old men are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other 14153that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love 14154with her. 14155 The other man is astonished. "Make love to your wife? You're as old 14156as I am! Nearly eighty years old! What do you mean you have to go home and 14157make love to your wife?" 14158 The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life. We make 14159love every day." 14160 "You're kidding!" says his friend. "How do you do it?" 14161 "Pumpernickel bread. That's the secret." And he dashes off home. 14162 The other man starts to walk home. "Hmmm," he thinks to himself 14163pumpernickel bread. Well, it's worth a try." So he goes into a nearby 14164bakery. 14165 Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock 14166of pumpernickel bread. The woman stares at him in astonishment. "You want 14167all the pumpernickel bread we have? Are you sure? Don't you know that it 14168will get hard?" 14169 "How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?" 14170% 14171Two Peace Corp. doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital 14172were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that 14173went along these lines: 14174 (1st doctor) "No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'" 14175 (2nd doctor) "No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'" 14176and this continued for quite sometime. 14177 Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is 14178'womb'" and trotted off. 14179 (1st doctor) "That shows you what she knows." 14180 (2nd doctor) "Yeah. I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus, 14181let alone heard one fart underwater." 14182% 14183Two pirates are sitting in a seaside tavern, talking. One of them has a 14184hook instead of a hand, and an eye patch. The other pirate has a wooden 14185leg. Over a few beers, they start to tell each other how they received their 14186injuries. 14187 "One day," says the first pirate, "we had pulled alongside a merchant 14188vessel and were boarding her. I had my sword drawn when suddenly a man with 14189a saber caught me by surprise and cut my hand off. So I had this hook put 14190on. How did you lose your leg?" 14191 "From a broadside of grapeshot from an English military vessel, in a 14192terrific battle off the coast of France. And how about your eye?" 14193 "Well, I don't really like to talk about it," said the first pirate. 14194 "Come on," says the second pirate. "It doesn't matter after all 14195these years, does it?" 14196 "Oh, okay," says the first pirate. "See, it's pretty embarrassing; 14197a seagull shit in my eye." 14198 "A seagull!? I can see how that would hurt, but I don't see why 14199you would *lose* the eye..." 14200 "But," the first pirate says, "it was my first day with the hook." 14201% 14202Two recent emigrants to the United States, on their first day off the boat 14203in New York City, spied a hotdog vendor. "Do they eat dogs in America?" 14204one asked his companion. 14205 "I don't know." 14206 "Well, if we're going to live in America, we have to learn to eat 14207American foods." 14208 So they each bought a wax paper wrapped hotdog and sat down to eat 14209them on a nearby park bench. One man looked inside his wax paper, then over 14210at the other man, and asked, "So, what part did you get?" 14211% 14212Two women are talking; one says to the other, "Say, weren't you dating that 14213cute French horn player? What ever happened to him?" 14214 "Well," replies her friend, we're still seeing each other, but, 14215I must admit, we've had some problems." 14216 "Problems? What's wrong?" 14217 "You see," says the second woman, "every time he kisses me, he 14218wants to shove his fist up my ass." 14219% 14220Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily 14221disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell. One of the young 14222men remarked to his friend, 14223 "Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being 14224good for a man's virility?" 14225 "Yes, why?" the friend replied. 14226 "Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness. I ate a 14227dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked." 14228% 14229Un moine au milieu de la messe A monk in the middle of mass 14230S'eleva et cria en detresse; Stood up and cried out in distress; 14231 "La vie religieuse, "The religious life 14232 C'est sale et affreuse," Is dirty and horrid," 14233Et se poignarda dans les fesses. And stabbed himself in the ass. 14234 -- Edward Gorey 14235% 14236Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a 14237bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating. 14238% 14239Unfair animal names: 14240 14241-- tsetse fly -- bullhead 14242-- booby -- duck-billed platypus 14243-- sapsucker -- Clarence 14244 -- Gary Larson 14245% 14246Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern". 14247% 14248Unix programmers do it with pipes. 14249% 14250Upon leaving a hotel bar one evening, an executive noticed a drunk sitting 14251on the edge of a potted palm in the lobby, crying like a baby. Because he'd 14252had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow 14253man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was. 14254 "I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk. "I sold my 14255wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch." 14256 "That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to 14257muster any real indignation. "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her 14258back." 14259 "Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling. 14260 "You're sorry you sold her, because you realize too late that you 14261love her," sympathized the executive. 14262 "No, no," said the drunk. "I wish I had her back because I'm 14263thirsty again." 14264% 14265U.S. of A.: 14266 "Don't speak to the bus driver." 14267Germany: 14268 "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver." 14269England: 14270 "You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver." 14271Scotland: 14272 "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?" 14273Italy: 14274 "Don't answer the driver." 14275% 14276Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: 14277 14278AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN. 14279 Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun. 14280 14281FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR. 14282 I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down 14283 on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart. 14284 14285SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH QEH GOFTEH BANDE. 14286 I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life. 14287% 14288Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: 14289 14290AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST. 14291 It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to 14292 travel in the trunk of your car. 14293 14294FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO 14295GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN. 14296 If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital 14297 appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my 14298 country in public. 14299 14300KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY. 14301 I will tell you the names and addresses of 14302 many American spies traveling as reporters. 14303% 14304Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: 14305 14306MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM. 14307 It is with greatest pleasure that I sign 14308 this confession of capital crimes. 14309 14310MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN. 14311 The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency. 14312 14313TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM. 14314 The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. 14315 I must have the recipe. 14316 14317ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE 14318DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ. 14319 Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed 14320 self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs. 14321% 14322USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- 14323massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and 14324a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least 14325expect it. 14326 -- Gene Spafford 14327% 14328User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with. 14329Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to 14330upgrading same to full size firm. Size is not all that important; but byte 14331sized bandwith required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should 14332be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration. Software is 14333looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as 14334well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives. Fingering of all files 14335permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive. Software 14336is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before 14337completed execution of program. Program may be run several times per day... 14338especially if special features and options are utilized. 14339% 14340vagina, n: 14341 The box a penis comes in. 14342% 14343vaginal lubricant, n: 14344 A slitty slicker. 14345% 14346Vandalism On The Upswing! 14347 Last night, windows were broken and graffiti was sprayed over the 14348 front of the local sex shop, Le Sex Boutique, causing several hundred 14349 dollars in damage. In a later anonymous phone call, the provisional 14350 wing of the Salvation Army claimed responsibility. 14351% 14352Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is humane," claims the Pope. 14353% 14354Vd, n: 14355 The gift that keeps on giving. 14356% 14357Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the 14358ceremony has been performed. Primarily women wish attention and affection. 14359Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative. Really, 14360it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them. It leaves one open 14361to a rival. Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals. Lovers, never. 14362 -- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire" 14363% 14364Vidi, vici, veni. 14365(I saw, I conquered, I came.) 14366% 14367Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her 14368back, of course. When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep 14369with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length. Don't try to put 14370an unsupple partner into this position -- it can't be achieved by brute force. 14371You can get a very similar sensation -- unique rocking pelvic movement -- with 14372less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and 14373you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight. Why "Viennese" we don't 14374know. Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure 14375for both. 14376 -- The Joy of Sex 14377% 14378virgin, n: 14379 An ugly third grader. 14380% 14381Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life, 14382which takes but one prick to break. 14383 -- Jordan Sand 14384% 14385VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22) 14386 Get it in writing. Be careful. You are surrounded by lechers and 14387 assholes; birds of a feather flock together. Trust no one. People 14388 will not be offended, because they've come to recognize you for the 14389 paranoid neurotic that you are. Your dentures are loose. 14390% 14391Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a 14392divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with." 14393 What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge 14394in unusual sex practices?" 14395 "No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little 14396queer." 14397% 14398VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? 14399% 14400W. Lafayette may not be the asshole of the universe... 14401 but you sure as hell can see it from there! 14402% 14403Waldheimers disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi. 14404% 14405War is menstruation envy. 14406% 14407Was it you that did the pushin', 14408Left the stains upon the cushion, 14409The footprints on the dashboard upside-down? 14410Was it you, you little pecker, 14411That got into my Rebecca, 14412If you did, you'd better leave this town! 14413 14414Yes, 'twas I that did the pushin', 14415Left the stains upon the cushion, 14416Footprints on the dashboard upside-down. 14417But since I stuck your daughter, 14418I've had trouble passin' water, 14419So I guess we're kind of even all around! 14420% 14421wasp, n: 14422 Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss. 14423% 14424Watch out for a cold wave this week. (Or maybe a warm WAC.) 14425% 14426Watching girls go passing by 14427It ain't the latest thing 14428I'm just standing in a doorway 14429I'm just trying to make some sense 14430Out of these girls passing by A smile relieves the heart that grieves 14431The tales they tell of men Remember what I said 14432I'm not waiting on a lady I'm not waiting on a lady 14433I'm just waiting on a friend I'm just waiting on a friend 14434... 14435Don't need a whore 14436Don't need no booze 14437Don't need a virgin priest Ooh, making love and breaking hearts 14438But I need someone I can cry to It is a game for youth 14439I need someone to protect But I'm not waiting on a lady 14440 I'm just waiting on a friend 14441 I'm just waiting on a friend 14442 -- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend" 14443% 14444Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it. 14445 -- W.C. Fields 14446% 14447We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything 14448we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain 14449inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and 14450when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground ... But after all, he's 14451only a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions. Your 14452Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard ... By God, 14453he has only one right guaranteed him in Nature, and that is the right to die 14454and stink to Heaven. 14455 -- Ross Lockridge, quoted in "Short Lives" by Katinka Matson 14456% 14457We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb 14458your cities. 14459 -- Robin Williams 14460% 14461We are upping our standards ... so up yours. 14462 -- Pat Paulsen for President 14463% 14464We aren't what we eat. We are what we don't shit. 14465 -- Hugh Romney 14466% 14467We boggies are a hairy folk Ever hungry, ever thirsting, 14468Who like to eat until we choke. Never stop till belly's bursting. 14469Loving all like friend and brother, Chewing chop and pork and muttons, 14470And hardly ever eat each other. A merry race of boring gluttons. 14471 14472Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE. 14473 14474Boggies gather 'round the table, Anything edible, we've got dibs on, 14475Eat as much as you are able. And hope we all die with our bibs on. 14476Gorge yourselves from moon till noon Ever gay, we'll never grow up, 14477(Don't forget your plate and spoon.) Come! And sing and play and throw-up! 14478 14479Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE! 14480 -- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem" 14481% 14482We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. 14483% 14484We came, we saw, we kicked its ass! 14485 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 14486% 14487We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. 14488 -- James Watt, noted ecologist 14489% 14490We drove to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical to go upstairs 14491with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone, 14492and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to 14493fuck while pretending he's the one you do. That's called fidelity. That's 14494called civilization and its discontents. 14495 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" 14496% 14497We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free 14498his hands for masturbation. 14499 -- Lily Tomlin 14500% 14501We must! We must! 14502We must increase our bust! 14503The bigger the better! 14504The tighter the sweater! 14505And the boys will think more of us! 14506% 14507We sailed on the good ship Venus, 14508My God, you should have seen us 14509 With a figurehead 14510 Of a whore in bed 14511And the mast an upright penis 14512 14513The captain of the lugger 14514Was known as a filthy bugger 14515 Declared unfit 14516 To shovel shit 14517From one ship to another 14518 14519The first mate's name was Cooper, 14520By god he was a trooper 14521 He jerked and jerked 14522 Until he worked 14523Himself into a stupor 14524 14525The cabin boy was chipper, 14526A dandy little nipper 14527 He shoved cracked glass 14528 Inside his ass 14529And circumcised the skipper 14530 14531The captain's wife was Charlotte, 14532Born and bred a harlot 14533 Her thighs at night 14534 Were lily white 14535By morning they were scarlet 14536 14537The captain's youngest daughter 14538Slipped into the water 14539 Her plaintive squeals 14540 Announced that eels 14541Had found her sexual quarter 14542 14543The ship's dog's name was Rover, 14544They turned the poor beast over 14545 And ground and ground 14546 That faithful hound 14547From Tenerief to Dover 14548% 14549We took some pictures of the girls, but they weren't developed. 14550 -- Groucho Marx 14551% 14552We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, 14553Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, 14554I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, 14555And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! 14556(chorus) (chorus) 14557 14558In the church of Aphrodite, 14559The priestess wears a see through nightie, 14560She's a mighty righteous sightie, 14561And she's good enough for me! 14562(chorus) 14563 14564CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, 14565 Give me that old time religion, 14566 Give me that old time religion, 14567 'Cause it's good enough for me! 14568% 14569Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends! 14570We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside! 14571There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass, 14572Be careful as you pass, move along, move along. 14573Come inside, the show's about to start, 14574Guaranteed to blow your head apart. 14575Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth, 14576Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth! 14577You gotta see the show! It's a dynamo! 14578You gotta see the show! It's rock 'n' roll! 14579 -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2) 14580% 14581Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!! 14582 Ms. Kat****** Bl****an is the mistress of a well-known 14583 banker in Houston, Texas. That's $5000, please, to stop 14584 us from revealing both of your names, Mr. L*****, so that 14585 your wife Doreen, and your lovely children Diane, Janice 14586 and Tom need never know the name of your mistress. You 14587 have two days to reach us at: 14588 14589 Fortune Blackmail 14590 Behind the hot water pipes, 14591 Third stall from the end, 14592 Greyhound Bus Terminal, Fayette MO. 14593% 14594Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!! 14595 This is the first of a series of revelations which could 14596 add up to a divorce, premature retirement and possible 14597 criminal proceedings for a company vice-president in Langley Virginia. 14598 So, Mr. S*****, $10,000 please to stop us from revealing: 14599 1: Whose shoulders you were sitting on. 14600 2: What you were doing. 14601 3: The names of the three people involved. 14602 4: The youth organization to which they belonged. 14603 5: The shop where you bought the equipment. 14604% 14605Well, actually, I don't mind going to weddings or anything, as long as they're 14606not my own, I show up, but uh, I've always kinda been partial to callin' myself 14607up on the phone, asking myself out, y'know, yeah, one thing about it, you're 14608always around. Yeah, I know, yeah, you ask yourself out, y'know, some class 14609joint somewhere, the Burrito King, or somethin', y'know, well, I ain't cheap 14610y'know. Take yourself out for a coupla drinks, mebbe, then you eat, some 14611provocative conversation on the way home, and uh, park in front of the house, 14612y'know, and you, oh yeah, you smoo with yourself, put a little nice music on, 14613mebbe you put on like, uh, y'know, like shoppin' music, something that's not 14614too interruptive, y'know, and then uh, y'know, slide over real nice, and say, 14615"Oh, I think you have something in your eye", well, maybe it's not that 14616romantic with you, but I don't, y'know, I get into it, y'know, I take myself 14617up to the porch, and uh, take myself inside, maybe, oh, I might get a little 14618something in a brandy snifter, "Would you like to listen to some of my back 14619records, I got something here...", well, usually, about two-thirty in the 14620morning, you've ended up takin' advantage of yourself, and there ain't no way 14621around that, y'know, yeah, makin' the scene with a magazine, ain't no way 14622around it. I'll confess, y'know, I'm no different, y'know, I'm not weird 14623about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first, I just, I just kinda 14624spend a little time with myself. 14625 -- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner" 14626% 14627Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse 14628By all of the lads in his class 14629 He said, with a yawn, 14630 "Now the novelty's gone 14631And it's only a pain in the ass." 14632% 14633Well, God gave me a bust. What am I supposed to do with it? 14634 -- Martha Mitchell 14635% 14636Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best, 14637Excitable boy, they all said! 14638And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest, 14639Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) 14640 14641He took in the 4am show at the Clark, 14642Excitable boy, they all said! 14643And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark, 14644Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) 14645 14646He took little Susie to the junior prom, 14647Excitable boy, they all said! 14648And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home, 14649Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy!) 14650 14651After ten long years they let him out of the home, 14652Excitable boy, they all said! 14653And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones, 14654Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) 14655 -- Warren Zevon, "Excitable Boy" 14656% 14657Well, I don't know where they come from but they sure do come, 14658I hope they comin' for me! 14659And I don't know how they do it but they sure do it good, 14660I hope they doin' it for free! 14661They give me cat scratch fever... cat scratch fever! 14662First time that I got it I was just ten years old, 14663Got it from the kitty next door... 14664I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure, 14665I think I got it some more! 14666Got a bad scratch fever... 14667 -- Ted Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever" 14668% 14669"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp, 14670"And told my wife to try it on top. 14671 She bounced for an hour, 14672 Till she ran out of power, 14673And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop." 14674% 14675Well, I went to a party, and what did they do? 14676They took off their socks and they took off their shoes. 14677They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants, 14678I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance. 14679 14680Everybody, everybody's ass was bare, 14681No bras left, just a queer over there. 14682But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit; 14683I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit. 14684 14685My baby's not a sports fan, 14686But she plays with balls whenever she can. 14687'Cause her favorite sport you see, 14688Is playing tonsil hockey. 14689[chorus] 14690 Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew; 14691 Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw. 14692 Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit; 14693 Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit. 14694 -- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song" 14695% 14696Well, I'd left home just a week before, 14697And I'd never ever kissed a woman before, 14698But Lola smiled and took me by the hand, 14699And said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!' 14700Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man, 14701But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola. 14702La, la, la, la-Lola... la, la, la, la-Lola... Lola. 14703 -- The Kinks 14704% 14705Well, it seems that there was this traveling saleswoman whose car broke 14706down, late at night, in the middle of a torrential downpour. Hoping to 14707find a phone she ran to a nearby farmhouse. When she was unable to find 14708a garage still open, the farmer told her that, while they were short of 14709beds, she could sleep with his daughter. The daughter proved to eighteen 14710and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly afterward, the saleswoman 14711rolled over toward the daughter and said, "Dear, I'm sure that you're aware 14712that some women like... to be with... other women. Let me be frank..." 14713 "No!" interrupted the daughter, sternly. "This time *I* want to 14714be Frank!" 14715% 14716"Well, madam," the bishop declared, 14717While the vicar just mumbled and stared, 14718 "'Twere better, perhaps, 14719 In the crypt or the apse, 14720Because sex in the nave must be shared." 14721% 14722Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her 14723back to the wall. 14724 -- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems 14725 14726Eat shit and die. Strong memo to follow. 14727 -- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems 14728% 14729Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and 14730she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!" So, I fucked 14731her twice and slapped her. 14732% 14733Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had 14734my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely 14735you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another! 14736% 14737Well, you almost got it right. The only problem is, you're doing it exactly 14738backwards! Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will 14739experience an incredibly intense orgasm. One trouble with this technique, 14740though, is that it works so well. Believe me, word will get around about 14741your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by prospective sexual partners. 14742So try to be discreet. I prefer maple syrup to pineapple/apricot lotion, but 14743that's a matter of personal preference. Also, I'd advise against the syrup, 14744or using honey, if you're outside, because the insects it attracts tend to 14745distract the quail. You can substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb 14746tacks!) for the masking tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for 14747awhile. 14748% 14749Well, you got your mules and you got your racehorses, and you can kick 14750a mule in the ass all you want, and he's still not gonna be a racehorse. 14751 -- Billy Martin, "Esquire", May, 1984 14752% 14753Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature. It's a piss-poor reptile 14754and not very much of a bird. 14755 -- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a 14756 zoologist who has studied the archeopteryx and found it 14757 "very much like people". 14758% 14759Well, you see there was this neighborhood that had a priest, a minister, and 14760a rabbi who lived near each other. One summer afternoon the priest went out 14761and bought himself a new car, and the minister and rabbi, not to be outdone, 14762did the same. 14763 The next day the priest went out and blessed his car. The minister 14764hired a crane and baptized his car in a swimming pool. The rabbi, after 14765thinking seriously for a bit, got a hacksaw and cut three inches off the end 14766of the tail pipe. 14767% 14768We're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk 14769philosophy, executing both with confidence and style. 14770% 14771Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms 14772of a chambermaid as a duchess. 14773 -- Dr. Johnson 14774% 14775wet dream, n: 14776 Overnight sensation. 14777% 14778We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but 14779divorced him after one day because he'd done nothing on their wedding night 14780but promise to have it up in 15 minutes. What few people realize is that the 14781poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering 14782"I just don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!" 14783% 14784"We've got things well in hand." 14785 -- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California. 14786% 14787We've just recieved the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the 14788various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According 14789to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and 147903% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home. 14791% 14792What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how 14793she would look without them. 14794 -- Brendan Francis 14795% 14796What creatures of habit we are. This morning, without thinking, half asleep, 14797I put $100 on my pillow. That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but 14798my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change. 14799% 14800What did Snow white say when told she was pregnant? 14801 "I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..." 14802 14803Presumably this all started that evening when she was feeling Happy... 14804% 14805What do hookers do on their nights off, type? 14806 -- Elayn Boosler 14807% 14808What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea? 14809An incurable romantic. 14810% 14811What is a promiscuous person -- it's usually someone who is getting more 14812sex than you are. 14813 -- Victor Lownes, quoted in "In and Out: Debrett 1980-81", 14814 by N. Mackwood 14815% 14816What the fuck, over? 14817% 14818What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. 14819% 14820What this department needs is a really good inflatible doll. 14821% 14822What with chromodynamics and electroweak too 14823Our Standardized Model should please even you, 14824Tho' once you did say that of charm there was none 14825It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun. 14826Yet your state of the union penultimate large 14827Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge, 14828And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll 14829Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole. 14830Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back 14831For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track, 14832But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude 14833Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed. 14834Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more, 14835You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore, 14836That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere 14837Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear 14838Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta 14839Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later. 14840 -- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984 14841% 14842What you mean, how old am I? About one hundred! But Viennese answer is 14843better: we say, "I keep passing the open windows." This is an old joke. 14844There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents, he 14845did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart 14846on command. One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box. 14847Written on the box was this: "Life is serious, but art is fun!" I hear his 14848funeral was a party. A street artist had killed himself. Nobody had 14849supported him but now everybody missed him. Now who would make the dogs 14850make music and the mice pant? The bear knows this, too: it is hard work 14851and great art to make life not so serious. 14852 -- John Irving "The Hotel New Hampshire" 14853% 14854Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stay. 14855% 14856What's on the floor of the old hen-house? 14857Doo-doo, doo-doo. 14858 -- Foghorn Leghorn, to "Camptown Ladies" 14859% 14860What's the worst thing about being an atheist? 14861Noone to talk to when you're having an orgasm. 14862% 14863When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move. 14864% 14865When a man grows old and his balls 14866 grow cold, So find me a seat and stand me a drink 14867And the end of his knob turns blue; And a tale to you I'll tell 14868When it's bent in the middle like a Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete 14869 one-string fiddle, And the gentle Eskimo Nell. 14870He can tell a tale or two. 14871 14872When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete 14873Go out in search of fun, And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete 14874It's usually Dick who wields the prick Are sore, depressed, and mad, 14875And Mexican Pete the gun. 'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt 14876 So the shooting ain't so bad. 14877There was rarely a day without a lay 14878And usually two or three Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete 14879For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick Had been hunting in Deadman's creek. 14880Was always like a tree. And they'd had no luck in the way of 14881 a fuck 14882Just a moose or two and a caribou, For nigh on half a week. 14883And a bison cow or so; 14884And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick 14885This fucking was mighty slow. 14886 -- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell 14887% 14888When better women are made, computer programmers will make them. 14889% 14890When ev'rybody's tryin' to sleep, 14891I'm somewhere makin' my midnight creep. Chorus: 14892In the mornin' the rooster crow, I am a back door man, 14893Somethin' tells me I got to go. I am a back door man, 14894 Well, the men don't know, 14895They take me to the doctor, But the little girls understand. 14896 shot full of holes, 14897Nurse try to save a soul. 14898Killed her for murder first degree, 14899Judge what tried let the man go free. 14900 14901Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down, 14902Rather be dead six feet in the ground. 14903When you come home, you can eat pork and beans, 14904I eats more chicken than any man's seen. 14905 -- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man", 1961 14906% 14907When he tried to inject his huge whanger 14908A young man aroused his girl's anger. 14909 As they strove in the dark 14910 She was heard to remark, 14911"What you need is a zeppelin hanger." 14912% 14913When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to 14914lay off one of his two middle managers. As both Jack and Liz were equally 14915honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to 14916fire. To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first 14917to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax. 14918 The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking 14919Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where 14920the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said. 14921"I've got to lay you or Jack off." 14922 "Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache." 14923% 14924When I need something 14925To help me unwind 14926I find a six-foot baby What kind of guy 14927With a one-track mind Does a lot for me 14928Smart guys are nowhere Superman 14929They make demands With a lobotomy 14930Give me a moron My father's out of Harvard 14931With talented hands My brother's out of Yale 14932I go bar-hopping Well the guy I took home last night 14933And they say "Last call" Just got out of jail 14934I start shopping The way he grabbed and threw me 14935For a Neanderthal Oooo, it really got me hot 14936 But the way he growled and bit me 14937The bigger they come I hoped he had his shots 14938The harder I fall 14939In love till we're done The bigger they are 14940Then they're out in the hall The harder they'll work 14941 I got a soft spot 14942 For a good-looking jerk 14943 -- Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid" 14944% 14945When I was eight years old I came home with tears in my eyes because some 14946kids had stolen my samwich. My father handed me an ice pick, and said, 14947"Next time, hit 'em first and hit 'em hard." 14948 -- Jake LaMotta 14949 14950You can't go into the ring and be a nice guy. I would go a month, two 14951months, without having sex. It worked for me because it made me a 14952vicious animal. You can't fight if you have any compassion or anything 14953like that. 14954 -- Jake LaMotta 14955% 14956When in calling, plain speaking is out; 14957When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about, 14958You may wet, make water, or empty the glass; 14959You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass. 14960It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog 14961When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog; 14962But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss 14963It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____. 14964 -- Ogden Nash 14965% 14966When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by 14967a dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it! 14968% 14969When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey. 14970% 14971When somebody protested at [Pope Alexander VI's] wholesale distribution of 14972pardons for the most heinous crimes -- one of which included the murder of 14973a daughter by the father -- he retorted easily, "It is not God's will that 14974a sinner should die, but that he should live -- and pay." 14975 -- E.R. Chamberlin, "The Bad Popes" 14976 14977Judas sold Christ for 30 denari, this man [Pope Alexander VI] would sell 14978him for 29. 14979 -- Ottaviano Ubaldini, chamberlain to Pope Alexander VI 14980% 14981When the candles are out all women are fair. 14982 -- Plutarch 14983% 14984When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his 14985selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones. 14986 "The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said. 14987"The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty." 14988 "I'm just not sure," the woman said, Then she noticed an eye-catching 14989item on the back shelf. "How much is that plaid one over there? 14990 "Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk. "I couldn't 14991sell you that one for less than a hundred." 14992 "I'll take it." 14993 Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was 14994going. "Great," the clerk told him. "This morning, I sold four white 14995vibrators and three flesh-toned ones. And, this afternoon, I got a hundred 14996bucks for my Thermos." 14997% 14998When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground. 14999 -- Old Jewish saying 15000 15001[How come there aren't ever any "New Jewish sayings?" Ed.] 15002% 15003When the shit hits the fan, keep your mouth shut! 15004% 15005When they tell me to stick it where 15006the sun don't shine, I put it in Oregon. 15007% 15008When things go wrong as they usually will, 15009And your daily road seems all uphill, 15010When funds are low and debts are high, 15011When you try to smile, but can only cry -- 15012And you really feel you'd like to quit, 15013Don't talk to me; I don't give a shit. 15014% 15015When you and I are far apart 15016Can sorrow break your tender heart? 15017I love you darling, yes I do; 15018Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you; 15019All you are is a blossoming rose. 15020Night is here so I must close. 15021With care read the first word of each line. 15022You will find a question of mine. 15023 -- Yours hopefully, The VAX. 15024% 15025When you're lying on the bed, 15026And the thought is in your head, 15027But the feeling is way down between your legs, 15028Take your problem in your hand, 15029And beat it to the band, 15030And try your best to keep it off the walls. 15031 15032Don't let your lover tell you, 15033Don't let anybody sell you, 15034That the joy of masturbation is a crime. 15035For I've rid myself of fears, 15036(I've been doing it for years) 15037And now I have an erection all the time. 15038% 15039Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means 15040up your ass. 15041% 15042"Where'd she get those crow's feet? You really want to know?" 15043"Yeah." 15044"From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?" 15045% 15046Which of the following doesn't belong? 15047 a. meat 15048 b. eggs 15049 c. drum 15050 d. blowjob. 15051 15052Answer: 15053 d: A blowjob, because you can beat your meat, your eggs, 15054 or your drum, but you just can't beat a blowjob. 15055% 15056While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who 15057was pretty, chic, and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his 15058hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, as 15059will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform. 15060 On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower 15061into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair 15062curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie 15063magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent 15064erection. 15065 Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, 15066mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!" 15067% 15068While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are 15069scarcely sufficient to service one woman. 15070 -- Boccaccio 15071% 15072While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore. 15073% 15074While sitting 'neath an oak one morn 15075In thought on this and that, 15076A tiny, twitt'ring little bird "Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift 15077A load dropped in my hat. Of music and of wit! 15078 Why didst thou feel that my best hat 15079"Thy music gladdens my poor soul, Was thy best place to shit?" 15080And brings joy to my heart. 15081But tell me, little bird divine, The tiny bird a few notes sang, 15082Why didst thou not just fart?" Then answer'd "Pardon me, 15083 For thy hat I thought was my nest, 15084I rose and stood in solemn awe A-fallen from the tree." 15085His words to better mull, 15086Then lifted up a paving block 15087And crushed his fucking skull. 15088 -- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird" 15089% 15090While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it 15091might be a good idea to write his girl. He had brought no stationery with 15092him, however; so he had to walk into town for some. Entering the one and 15093only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm 15094girl with languorous eyes. 15095 "Do you keep stationery?" he asked. 15096 "Well," she giggled, "I do until the last few seconds, and then I 15097just go wild." 15098% 15099Whip it, baby. 15100Whip it right. 15101Whip it, baby. 15102Whip it all night! 15103% 15104Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? 15105 15106Because his wife left him. But things are looking up for their reconciliation. 15107Seems that when she left, she took his word processor, and she's been renting 15108it out occasionally in Japan. That is, every now and then she gets a yen for 15109his Wang. 15110% 15111Why, Good Morning! I'm the bluebird of fellatio! 15112% 15113Why I am an atheist: 15114 151151. Atheists do not believe in higher powers. 151162. God is the highest power. 151173. Therefore, God must be an atheist. 151184. We should all strive to be like God. 151195. We should all be atheists. 15120% 15121Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? 15122 -- G. Gordon Liddy 15123% 15124Why is it that there are so many more 15125horses' asses than there are horses? 15126 -- G. Gordon Liddy 15127% 15128Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love? 15129Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up. 15130% 15131Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them 15132then she isn't good enough for you. 15133% 15134Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl 15135who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot? ... It 15136would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those 15137stupid enough to consent to such a deal. 15138 -- Edward Abbey 15139% 15140...why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something 15141you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it. 15142If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you 15143lucky fool, and that makes you one of life's buccaneers, free from the clutter 15144of 2000 years of Judeo-Christian sermonizing. Stop feeling sorry for yourself 15145and start raising your sails. You haven't a moment to lose. 15146 -- Edmund Carlevale 15147% 15148Willie, looking in the mirror, Willie with the nursery shears 15149Sucked the mercury off Cut off both the baby's ears. 15150Thinking in his childish error To the baby so unsightly 15151It would cure the whooping cough. Mother raised her eyebrows slightly. 15152 15153At the funeral his weeping mother In the family drinking well 15154Sadly said to Mrs. Brown, Willie pushed his sister, Nell. 15155"'Twas a chilly day for Willie She's there still because it killed her, 15156When the mercury went down." Now, we have to buy a filter. 15157% 15158Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks. 15159% 15160With a bushel of apples, you can have 15161a hell of a time with the doctor's wife. 15162% 15163wok, n: 15164 Something to thwow at a wabbit. 15165% 15166Woman is: finally screwing and your groin and buttocks and thighs ache like 15167hell and you're all wet and maybe bloody and it wasn't like a Hollywood 15168movie at all but Jesus at least you're not a virgin any more but is this 15169what it's all about? And meanwhile, he's asking "Did you come?" 15170 -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful" 15171% 15172Women -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done. 15173% 15174Women should be obscene and not heard. 15175% 15176Women think of being a man as a gift. It is a duty. Even making love can 15177be a duty. A man has always got to get it up, and love isn't always enough. 15178 -- Norman Mailer 15179% 15180Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in a dark suit; 15181you get a warm feeling but nobody notices. 15182% 15183Working here is like a pregnancy. 15184After nine months you wish you hadn't come. 15185% 15186World War III is about to break out, but hidden somewhere in Switzerland, 15187a small group of international statesmen are trying to avert disaster. 15188The key members of this group are the representatives from Moscow, Bonn, and 15189Jerusalem, who, despite their personal enmity, manage to forge a peaceful 15190settlement, at the last moment. As the treaty is signed, and the war 15191postponed, almost entirely through the efforts of those three men, an angel 15192appears. "The earth is saved through the efforts of these three men! 15193Therefore, I will grant each of them their heart's desire!" 15194 So, the angel asks the German for his wish, and the German, recalling 15195the nearness of their disaster, and perceiving the cause to have been the 15196Russians, immediately says "I wish there were no more Russians!" And God 15197said, "It will be done." 15198 The angel asks the Russian for his wish, which, of course, is "*I* 15199wish there were no more Germans!" Replies the angel, "It will be done." 15200 So the angel asks the Jew for his wish. The Jew is in a state of 15201shock. "Will you really grant the German's wish?" he asks, and the angel 15202avers. "And the Russian's, too?" The angel avers yet again. Then the Jew 15203thinks a moment, leans back and says, "In that case, I think I'd like a small 15204cup of coffee." 15205% 15206Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy? 15207% 15208Writers do it between periods. 15209% 15210"Yeah, I used to be into necrophelia, bestiality and sadism, but then I 15211realized I was just flogging a dead horse." 15212% 15213Yesterday is a memory, 15214 Tomorrow is a vision, 15215 Today is a bitch! 15216% 15217You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed. 15218% 15219You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel, 15220and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking, 15221thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch. 15222% 15223You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length. 15224% 15225You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. 15226Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies! 15227% 15228"You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!" 15229 -- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon 15230% 15231You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide. 15232% 15233You can get used to living at a nudist camp. 15234The first three days are the hardest. 15235 -- R. Dreiser 15236% 15237You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose; 15238but you can't pick your friend's nose. 15239% 15240You come out of a woman and you spend the rest 15241of your life trying to get back inside. 15242 -- Heathcote Williams 15243% 15244You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today. 15245% 15246You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles 15247are the biggest bastards on earth. 15248 -- John Lennon 15249% 15250You know the Norplant thing? It's a new birth control device for women. 15251It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm. Well, they're coming out with 15252a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head. 15253% 15254You know what burns my ass? A flame about three feet high. 15255% 15256You might get caught holding the bag. Say she's your sister. 15257% 15258You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!! 15259% 15260You see that fucking fish? 15261If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got caught. 15262 -- Sam Giancana 15263% 15264You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass. 15265% 15266You wanna play the dozens, 15267Well, the dozens is a game, 15268But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame! 15269 -- George Carlin 15270% 15271You will always have friends 15272Some friends will peter out. 15273But I'll always be your friend, 15274Peter in or peter out. 15275% 15276You'll be a guest at a gay party. 15277That will have important consequences for you. 15278% 15279Young men want to be faithful and are not; 15280old men want to be faithless and cannot. 15281 -- Oscar Wilde 15282% 15283Your boy/girl friend is *so* ugly that... 15284 15285 -- when you look up ugly in the dictionary, their picture's there. 15286 -- it looks like their face caught fire and someone put it out 15287 with an ice pick. 15288 -- Nabisco used their face to model for animal cookies. 15289 -- when they yelled "Rape", the guy screamed "No way!" 15290 -- they were the birth control poster child. 15291 -- when they were born, the doctor slapped their mother. 15292 -- as a child, their parents tied a pork chop around her neck to 15293 get the puppy to play with them. 15294 -- they have to sneak up on a glass of water, just to get a drink! 15295% 15296Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, 15297shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!" 15298 -- Johnny Carson 15299% 15300Your first husband was the one you married while firmly believing that 15301there are more important things in life than great sex. 15302% 15303YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 15304 by Miss Fortune 15305 15306SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21) 15307 "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" is your 15308motto. You don't do much other than sleep, eat, down brewskis, and watch TV. 15309Your friends and family are constantly pestering you to clean up your act. 15310But it's OK, Scorpio. A kick in the ass is at least one step forward. 15311 15312SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) 15313 You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks. 15314My advice is to drink copius amounts of beer just to get the thought of food 15315out of your mind. Remember, a good reducing exercise consists of placing 15316both hands against the table edge and pushing back. 15317 15318CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan 19) 15319 Remember that day you had one beer too many and did something 15320extremely foolish? Now your friends are coming and going and your enemies 15321accumulating. Cheer up! All is not lost. It's better to be hated for 15322what you are than loved for what you're not. 15323% 15324Your spooning days are over, 15325 And your pilot light is out; 15326When what used to be your sex appeal 15327 Is now your water spout! 15328% 15329You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings. 15330% 15331Yuck Foo. 15332% 15333Zippity doo dah, zippity ay, 15334I just gave my sister's cherry away! 15335To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A., 15336Zippity doo dah, zippity ay. 15337 -- John Valby 15338% 15339