1======================================================================= 2|| || 3|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! || 4|| Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! || 5|| || 6======================================================================= 7 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production: 8 "Fortune Cookie" 9 Directed by Steven Spielberg. 10 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando 11 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers 12 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter". 13 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin. 14 Special Effects by Timothy Leary. 15 Read the Warner paperback! 16 Invoke the Unix program! 17 Soundtrack on XTC Records. 18 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal 19 centers. 20% 21 PLAYGIRL, Inc. 22 Philadelphia, Pa. 19369 23Dear Sir: 24 Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to 25inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On 26a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women 27ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the 28age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing 29long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman 30ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate 31in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call 32us. 33 Sympathetically, 34 Amanda L. Smith 35 36p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you 37 wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot? 38% 39 _-^--^=-_ 40 _.-^^ -~_ 41 _-- --_ 42 < >) 43 | | 44 \._ _./ 45 ```--. . , ; .--''' 46 | | | 47 .-=|| | |=-. 48 `-=#$%&%$#=-' 49 | ; :| 50 _____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____ 51% 52 FROM THE DESK OF 53 Dorothy Gale 54 55 Auntie Em: 56 Hate you. 57 Hate Kansas. 58 Taking the dog. 59 Dorothy 60% 61 FROM THE DESK OF 62 Rapunzel 63 64Dear Prince: 65 66 Use ladder tonight -- 67 you're splitting my ends. 68% 69 SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT 70 71Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible? 72Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth 73 74 ABSTRACT 75 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying 76the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem 77of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas 78of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi- 79bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size 80pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that 81there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program 82to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable 83functions. 84 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar. 85This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues. 86 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played. 87% 88 UNIX Trix 89 90For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will 91save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your 92next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd 93to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they 94forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct 95the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea 96either. If you need some help, give us a call. 97 98 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems 99% 100 ___====-_ _-====___ 101 _--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_ 102 -~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_ 103 -############// |\^^/| \\############- 104 _~############// (O||O) \\############~_ 105 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ 106 -###############\\ (oo) //###############- 107 -#################\\ / `' \ //#################- 108 -###################\\/ () \//###################- 109 _#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_ 110 |/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \| 111 ` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| ' 112 ` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '<||> ' 113 ( | |()| | )\ /|/ 114 __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/ 115 (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/ 116% 117 DELETE A FORTUNE! 118Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! 119Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system? 120You can! Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most, 121and we'll make sure it gets expunged. 122% 123 It's grad exam time... 124COMPUTER SCIENCE 125 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating 126system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert 127this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are 128bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the 129new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.) 130 131MATHEMATICS 132 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long 133it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the 134length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1. 135 136GENERAL KNOWLEDGE 137Describe the Universe. Give three examples. 138% 139 It's grad exam time... 140MEDICINE 141 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a 142bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has 143been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.) 144 145HISTORY 146 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present 147day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, 148economic, religious and philisophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and 149Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific. 150 151BIOLOGY 152 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture 153if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with 154special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. 155% 156 Pittsburgh driver's test 15710: Potholes are 158 a) extremely dangerous. 159 b) patriotic. 160 c) the fault of the previous administration. 161 d) all going to be fixed next summer. 162The correct answer is b. 163Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes 164are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car 165you have nothing to worry about. 166% 167 Pittsburgh driver's test 1682: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should 169 a) stop immediately. 170 b) proceed slowly through the intersection. 171 c) blow the horn. 172 d) floor it. 173The correct answer is d. 174If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point. 175% 176 Pittsburgh driver's test 1773: When stopped at an intersection you should 178 a) watch the traffic light for your lane. 179 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street. 180 c) blow the horn. 181 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street. 182The correct answer is d. 183You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting 184street turns yellow. 185Answer c is worth a half point. 186% 187 Pittsburgh driver's test 1884: Exhaust gas is 189 a) beneficial. 190 b) not harmful. 191 c) toxic. 192 d) a punk band. 193The correct answer is b. 194The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise 195are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where 196you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.) 197% 198 Pittsburgh driver's test 1995: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment. 200 How often should you test it? 201 a) once a year. 202 b) once a month. 203 c) once a day. 204 d) once an hour. 205The correct answer is d. 206You should test your car's horn at least once every hour, 207and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods. 208% 209 Pittsburgh driver's test 2107: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light 211 but a steady left tail light. 212 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your 213 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. 214 b) The driver is signaling a right turn. 215 c) The driver is signaling a left turn. 216 d) The driver is from out of town. 217The correct answer is d. 218Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. 219% 220 Pittsburgh driver's test 2218: Pedestrians are 222 a) irrelevant. 223 b) communists. 224 c) a nuisance. 225 d) difficult to clean off the front grille. 226The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they 227are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them 228completely. 229% 230 Pittsburgh driver's test 2319: Roads are salted in order to 232 a) kill grass. 233 b) melt snow. 234 c) help the economy. 235 d) prevent potholes. 236The correct answer is c. 237Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more 238indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important, 239salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and 240steel industries. 241% 242 243 ( /\__________/\ ) 244 \(^ @___..___@ ^)/ 245 /\ (\/\/\/\/) /\ 246 / \(/\/\/\/\)/ \ 247 -( """""""""" ) 248 \ _____ / 249 ( /( )\ ) 250 _) (_V) (V_) (_ 251 (V)(V)(V) (V)(V)(V) 252 253% 254 ___====-_ _-====___ 255 _--~~~#####// \\#####~~~--_ 256 _-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_ 257 -############// :\^^/: \\############- 258 _~############// (@::@) \\############~_ 259 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ 260 -###############\\ (^^) //###############- 261 -#################\\ / "" \ //#################- 262 -###################\\/ \//###################- 263 _#/:##########/\######( /\ )######/\##########:\#_ 264 :/ :#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##\ : : /##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#: \: 265 " :/ V V " V \#\: : : :/#/ V " V V \: " 266 " " " " \ : : : : / " " " " 267% 268 Has your family tried 'em? 269 270 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 271 272 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! 273 274 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons 275 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. 276 277 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 278 279 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of 280 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark 281 stains that indicate freshness. 282% 283 Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions: 2841) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 2852) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 2863) You don't know. Neither does your boss. 2874) Who cares? 2885) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana, 289 submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. Unfortunately, I lost it. 2906) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling! Suffer! Ha-ha-ha!! 2917) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my 292 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom 293 supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books). 294% 295 Hard Copies and Chmod 296 297And everyone thinks computers are impersonal 298cold diskdrives hardware monitors 299user-hostile software 300 301of course they're only bits and bytes 302and characters and strings 303and files 304 305just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend 306telling me he loves me and 307he'll take care of me 308 309simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory 310deep intimate secrets and 311how he doesn't trust me 312 313couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould 314on personal stationery 315 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu 316% 317 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE 318Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the 319margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit 320will be given to candidates who self-actualise. 321 322 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why 323neither has street credibility. 324 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting 325on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner 326city. 327 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked 328into a black hole. 329 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist 330ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult. 331 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics. 332 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing 333up of western dualism? 334 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss. 335% 336 OUTCONERR 337Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes 338 Did logzerneg the ifthen block 339All kludgy were the function flows 340 And subroutines adhoc. 341 342Beware the runtime-bug my friend 343 squrooneg, the false goto 344Beware the infiniteloop 345 And shun the inprectoo. 346% 347 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 3481. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a 349 nuclear bomb, use the stairs. 3502. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll 351 when you hit the ground. 3523. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 3534. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead 354 to psychological problems. 3555. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize 356 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, 357 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 3586. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs 359 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 3607. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles. 3618. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be 362 staggering illegally. 3639. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more 364 sanitary due to limited circulation. 36510. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short 366 supply on D-Day. 367% 368 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance 369The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system 370in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an 371Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four 372fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the 373Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on 374target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable. 375If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal 376computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip 377through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do 378to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines 379for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can 380take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied 381into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit 382computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup, 383they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what 384Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home 385a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons. 386 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984 387% 388 The Split-Atom Blues 389Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, 390 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline... 391But if you split those atoms fine, 392 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! 393Gimme zits, take my dough, 394 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll... 395Call the devil and sell my soul, 396 But Mama keep dem atoms whole! 397 -- Milo Bloom 398% 399 THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM 400 401If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution 402of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support. 403Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of 404you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal 405cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase 406to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between 407midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to 408`fortune'. Just type in your favorite pithy fortune. Do it now before you 409forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss 410out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or 411more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly 412program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune 413Hunter" coffee mug! 414% 415 What I Did During My Fall Semester 416On the first day of my fall semester, I got up. 417Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 418Then I hung out in front of the Dover. 419 420On the second day of my fall semester, I got up. 421Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 422Then I hung out in front of the Dover. 423 424On the third day of my fall semester, I got up. 425Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 426I found a thesis topic: 427 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover. 428 -- Sister Mary Elephant, 429 "Student Statement for Black Friday" 430% 431 1/2 432 /\(3) 433 | 2 1/3 434 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e ) 435 | 436 \/ 1 437 438The integral of z squared, dz 439From 1 to the square root of 3 440 Times the cosine 441 Of 3 PI over nine 442Is the log of the cube root of e 443% 444 (1/2) 445 / 3 446 | 2 3 x 3.14 (1/2) 447 | z dz cos (--------) = ln(e ) 448 / 1 9 449 450The integral, from one to root three, 451Of z to the second dz, 452 Times the cosine 453 Of 3 pi over nine 454Is the log of the third root of e. 455% 456 THE DAILY PLANET 457 458 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT! 459 Plans to "Eat it later" 460% 461 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING *** 462 463Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical 464terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into 465the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' 466School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. 467They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day. 468With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code 469and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language 470in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a 471computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what 472you should blame when you make a mistake. 473 474 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer. 475 I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of 476 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) 477 478*** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. *** 479% 480 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? *** 481Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical 482terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into 483the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' 484School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. 485 486 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? *** 487Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can 488help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and 489enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month. 490 491 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST *** 492To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to 493try this simple test: 494 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters 495 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF). 496 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill? 497 3: What is the state capital of Idaho? 498If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked 499them, you may have a future as a computer programmer. 500% 501 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES *** 502 503Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of 504programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized 505form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a 506winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I 507sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine. 508Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management 509program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he 510was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in 511his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could 512have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains 513in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll 514be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which 515can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate 516yourself in the morning. 517% 518 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's 519personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the 520best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. 521Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking 522soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a 523reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their 524table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is 525not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous 526crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their 527beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant 528wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of 529Liza Minnelli. 530 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 531% 532 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it. 533% 534 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2 535 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0 536 7 537 538A dozen, a gross and a score, 539Plus three times the square root of four, 540 Divided by seven, 541 Plus five times eleven, 542Equals nine squared plus zero, no more! 543% 544 7,140 pounds on the Sun 545 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars 546 255 pounds on Earth 547 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus 548 43 pounds on the Moon 549 648 pounds on Jupiter 550 275 pounds on Saturn 551 303 pounds on Neptune 552 13 pounds on Pluto 553 554 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places 555 in the solar system. 556% 557 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of 558the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed 559the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to 560another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back 561and forth. 562 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case 563of carp-to-carp walleting." 564% 565 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing 566the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them 567missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in 568his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that 569work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump 570flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. 571 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two 572events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the 573dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously: 574"Have you seen my parakeet?" 575% 576 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when 577a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the 578foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I 579have what I think is a pretty good act." 580 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to 581the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top. 582Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping 583his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little 584man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles, 585performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive 586from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside 587the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time. 588 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?" 589 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird 590imitations?" 591% 592 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating 593his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said 594the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." 595 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the 596toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". 597% 598 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about 599whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they 600got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The 601medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's 602rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." 603 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden 604itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden 605and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." 606 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then 607commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" 608% 609 A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a 610buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and 611the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the 612boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks 613the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if, 614the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if 615they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't. 616 Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the 617farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of 618frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling 619in the mud. 620 Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I 621don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check 622today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh. 623 "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?" 624 "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in 625the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!" 626% 627 A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for 628her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her 629looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured 630sadly, "runneth over." 631 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio, 632the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?" 633"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete." 634% 635 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods. 636After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears, 637one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed 638the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole. 639 "What do you think?" said the the first ranger. 640 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second. 641% 642 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical 643island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that 644could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They 645were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of 646the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to 647the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head 648downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the 649charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two 650men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner. 651Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with 652blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could 653only blurt out, "What happened?" 654 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the 655ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I 656grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left 657hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of 658the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down 659to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?" 660% 661 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved 662dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his 663brother and inquires after his pet. 664 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. 665 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," 666he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way 667of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got 668outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a 669corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" 670 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." 671 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? 672How's Mom?" 673 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got 674outside one day..." 675% 676 A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman? 677I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it." 678 A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that 679be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer." 680 "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my 681dog's stuck in its throat." 682% 683 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three 684days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted. 685 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a 686long-distance caw. 687 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a 688new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?" 689 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one coloossal disaster after another 690finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's 691the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week. 692% 693 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2. 694 The housewife replied, "Four!". 695 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures 696through my spread sheet one more time." 697 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a 698hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" 699% 700 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had 701made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he 702would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the 703lawyer. 704 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this 705state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, 706I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay." 707 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. 708 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it 709and exclaim, "That's Strange!" 710% 711 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to 712the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey." 713 The bartender ignores him. 714 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey." 715 Still ignored. 716 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!" 717 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the 718leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain. 719 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots, 720jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the 721saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, 722"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw." 723% 724 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points 725to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs. 726 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement 727and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and 728French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird 729and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and 730German, can knit and can curse in Latin. 731 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is 732told, "that one is 150,000." 733 "Why, what can it do?" he asks. 734 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't 735do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary." 736 -- being told in Poland, 1987 737% 738 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master, 739Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the 740wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student. 741 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a 742pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new 743disciples." 744 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened. 745% 746 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, 747shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her 748that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, 749soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number. 750 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She 751agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was. 752Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers 753-- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army 754knife! 755 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the 756afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment 757he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it 758for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't 759help but see was full of Swiss Army knives. 760 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many. 761 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that 762won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!" 763% 764 A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a 765terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at 766Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got 767homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've 768got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress 769who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends." 770 The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss 771something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all." 772 "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week." 773% 774 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, 775"Do you serve lawyers here?". 776 "Sure do," replied the bartender. 777 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for 778my 'gator." 779% 780 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path. 781 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police 782during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he 783was making a bolt for the door. 784 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the 785house of seven gobbles. 786 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his 787wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer." 788 A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic. 789 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills. 790Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max." 791% 792 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the 793program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer 794promptly replied. 795 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully, 796how long will it take?" 797 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish 798to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said. 799 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be 800satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete." 801 The programmer agreed to this. 802 Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his 803retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal. 804He had been programming all night. 805 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 806% 807 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him 808invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the 809manager retained his job. 810 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer 811refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting 812concept, and thus I expect no reward." 813 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he 814holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an 815employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!" 816 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist 817so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste 818everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on." 819 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 820% 821 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements 822document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will 823it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?" 824 "It will take one year," said the master promptly. 825 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it 826take it I assign ten programmers to it?" 827 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years." 828 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?" 829 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be 830completed," he said. 831 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 832% 833 A manger went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your 834work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave 835at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several 836resigned on the spot. 837 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own 838working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The 839programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee 840hours of the morning. 841 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 842% 843 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master 844noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me", 845he said, "may I examine it?" 846 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master. 847"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium, 848and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play, 849where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the 850human." 851 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this 852mysterious setting?" 853 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot. 854And suddenly the novice was enlightened. 855 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 856% 857 A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. 858"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," 859said the master. 860 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. 861 "It is," came the reply. 862 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. 863 "It is even in a video game," said the master. 864 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" 865 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson 866is over for today.", he said. 867 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 868% 869 A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices, 870"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," 871said the master. 872 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. 873 "It is," came the reply. 874 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. 875 "It is even in a video game," said the master. 876 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" 877 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is 878over for today," he said. 879 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 880% 881 A MODERN FABLE 882 883Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory 884far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message 885with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit 886today's minute attention span. 887 888 The Troubled Aardvark 889 890Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was 891driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house 892in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and 893unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled 894children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and 895his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its 896pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any 897personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a 898wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only 899course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he 900drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods. 901 902MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers. 903 -- Tom Annau 904% 905 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at 906the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the 907pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite 908nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..." 909 "If what?" asked the composer. 910 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" 911% 912 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which 913removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to 914doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous 915amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware 916limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the 917larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient 918power-down sequence. 919 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the 920building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has 921bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer 922cool. 923% 924 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, 925documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of 926the best programmers in the world. Why is this?" 927 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has 928gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system 929crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the 930need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He 931has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within 932themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has 933entered the mystery of the Tao." 934 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 935% 936 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and 937sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally 938baffled. What is the reason for this?" 939 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand 940the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why 941do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers 942simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect. 943 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal. 944Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment." 945 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the 946novice. 947 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master. 948 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 949% 950 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is 951much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant 952among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business. 953Why is this so?" 954 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That 955company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody 956would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a 957servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one 958of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort." 959 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 960% 961 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure 962that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with 963vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying 964'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new 965names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an 966unnatural entity exist?" 967 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are 968disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from 969its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming 970beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?" 971 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 972% 973 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial 974package. 975 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master 976reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set 977of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface, 978but not the slightest mention of anything financial. 979 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant. 980"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually." 981 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 982% 983 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the 984power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly, 985"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding 986of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The 987machine worked. 988% 989 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost 990in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they 991noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily. 992 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the 993party. He walked out into the night. 994 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to 995be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him, 996too. 997 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned 998to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to 999save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by 1000the wolf pack. 1001 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun. 1002He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds 1003has killed them all. 1004 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others 1005went out to be killed? 1006 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket. 1007He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many." 1008% 1009 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon 1010two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what 1011I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". 1012 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, 1013he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." 1014% 1015 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a 1016strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained 1017throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless 1018loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming 1019rigidity. 1020 A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this 1021law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the 1022way that astonishes him least. 1023 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The 1024program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward 1025appearances. 1026 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of 1027disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the 1028program. 1029 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1030% 1031 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software 1032conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort 1033of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were 1034unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their 1035clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality suites and they 1036made rude noises during my presentation." 1037 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference. 1038Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd, 1039an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations. 1040Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother 1041with social conventions?" 1042 "They are alive within the Tao." 1043 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1044% 1045 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter 1046carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're 1047doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endagered species list?" 1048 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag, 1049which contained twelve more loons. 1050 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked. 1051 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage." 1052 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?" 1053 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan." 1054% 1055 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor 1056recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill 1057his wellness potential." 1058 1059 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal 1060of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors." 1061 1062 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti- 1063personnel devices." You probably call them bombs. 1064 1065 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian 1066mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired. 1067 1068 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls 1069of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) 1070only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling 1071of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an 1072unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice 1073touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad 1074experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his 1075pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously 1076sent him. 1077 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) 1078% 1079 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator, 1080"This is a parson to parson call." 1081 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free 1082Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over." 1083 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great 1084deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is. 1085 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family 1086often doesn't have a legacy to stand on. 1087 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was 1088caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow. 1089 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for 1090granite. 1091% 1092 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt. 1093As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible 1094eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn 1095under the kilt?" 1096 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you 1097SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did 1098really want to know. 1099 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn 1100under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!" 1101% 1102 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it, 1103realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't 1104see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio 1105group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing 1106that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit, 1107it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing. 1108 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical 1109work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator 1110Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth 1111dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to 1112another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets 1113the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor 1114requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire 1115going to it is so large. 1116 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas 1117electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is 1118British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water, 1119British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and 1120I might add Brititsh tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks 1121secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke. 1122 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School 1123% 1124 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to 1125Maddona, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star. 1126 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best 1127friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she 1128had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today 1129and I've been telling it to the Maureens." 1130 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene 1131from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed 1132Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille." 1133% 1134 A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were 1135to die, would you remarry?" 1136 After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in 1137this marriage and I would want to be this happy again." 1138 The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" 1139 "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." 1140 "Well, would you live in this house?" 1141 "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. 1142I've always loved it here." 1143 "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" 1144 "No." 1145 "Why not?" 1146 "She's left handed." 1147% 1148 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened 1149to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the 1150sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. 1151"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. 1152Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" 1153 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler. 1154 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by 1155a snake?" 1156 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I 1157am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then 1158suck the poison from the wound." 1159 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on 1160a rattler?" persisted the woman. 1161 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn 1162who my real friends are." 1163% 1164 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride 1165and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the 1166child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech 1167therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused 1168to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading 1169the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from 1170his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold." 1171 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son, 1172after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?". 1173 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now". 1174% 1175 ACHTUNG!!! 1176Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy 1177schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit 1178spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das 1179rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und 1180vatch das blinkenlights!!! 1181% 1182 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home 1183directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the 1184Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the 1185edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp. 1186 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more 1187wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious." 1188 -- DECWARS 1189% 1190 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in 1191 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they 1192would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his 1193favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted 1194camp chores. 1195 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and, 1196 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to 1197discussing abtruse theological problems with him, and each evening the 1198children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed. 1199Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was 1200ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them. 1201 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend 1202Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly 1203interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for 1204a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own 1205cattle. We shall bury him in it." 1206 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?" 1207 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!" 1208 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not 1209realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!" 1210 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand 1211 Feghoot!" 1212% 1213 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient 1214earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several 1215minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. 1216 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a 1217name for my baby." 1218 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds 1219of first names and their meanings," said the orderly. 1220 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first 1221name." 1222% 1223 All that you touch, And all you create, 1224 All that you see, And all you destroy, 1225 All that you taste, All that you do, 1226 All you feel, And all you say, 1227 And all that you love, All that you eat, 1228 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet, 1229 All you distrust, All that you slight, 1230 All you save, And everyone you fight, 1231 And all that you give, And all that is now, 1232 And all that you deal, And all that is gone, 1233 All that you buy, And all that's to come, 1234 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is 1235 in tune, 1236 But the sun is eclipsed 1237 By the moon. 1238 1239There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark. 1240 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon" 1241% 1242 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission 1243with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely 1244years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds 1245or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. 1246wife. They approve. 1247 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I 1248want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut 1249thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of 1250the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it. 1251 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside 1252to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been 1253up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The 1254Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely 1255perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're 1256impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches 1257the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and 1258screams: "Anybody got a match?" 1259% 1260 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He 1261 knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully 1262and with great restraint. 1263 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and 1264 embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get 1265stored away to be used "next time." Sooner or later the first system 1266is finished, and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated 1267mastery of that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. 1268 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. 1269When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will 1270confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, 1271and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that 1272are particular and not generalizable. 1273 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using 1274all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first 1275one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile." 1276 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 1277% 1278 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows 1279he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great 1280restraint. 1281 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment 1282after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next 1283time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, 1284with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, 1285is ready to build a second system. 1286 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When 1287he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each 1288other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences 1289will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not 1290generalizable. 1291 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all 1292the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. 1293The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". 1294% 1295 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her 1296porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She 1297picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie 1298tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires. 1299 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and 1300beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful, 1301voluptuous woman. 1302 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich 1303for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are 1304stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch. 1305 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?" 1306 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my 1307faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young 1308handsome prince!" 1309 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall, 1310handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform. 1311 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to 1312the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me 1313fixed?" 1314% 1315 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat 1316is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and 1317announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage. 1318 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard 1319all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a 1320piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!" 1321 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs 1322"Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an 1323outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to 1324this head and pulls the trigger. 1325 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat 1326again?" 1327 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets." 1328 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987 1329% 1330 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals. 1331The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about 1332to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be 1333used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be 1334woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up 1335and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched 1336over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people, 1337and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife." 1338 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen", 1339while plunging the knife into his heart. 1340 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, 1341"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart. 1342 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, 1343while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!" 1344% 1345 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a 1346great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. 1347I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. 1348I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but 1349I have not been enlightened. What should I do?" 1350 Otis replied, "Give up suffering." 1351 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1352% 1353 And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord 1354bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies 1355to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast 1356upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and 1357breakfast cereals and fruit bats and... 1358 (skip a bit brother...) 1359 Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou 1360take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. 1361Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count 1362shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting 1363that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number 1364three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand 1365Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall 1366snuff it. 1367 -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments" 1368% 1369 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" 1370asked the father of his little son. 1371 "Diet." 1372% 1373 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best 1374to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the 1375posh hotel. 1376 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman. 1377 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked. 1378 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me 1379a postcard?" 1380% 1381 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?" 1382 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nightime." 1383 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime." 1384 "That was the curious incident." 1385 -- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze" 1386% 1387 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen 1388preaching to a group of disciples. 1389 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating 1390the absolute reality of --" 1391 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!" 1392 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he 1393vaporized. 1394 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued 1395with the spirit of the morning. 1396 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks, 1397"Thou art That..." 1398 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!" 1399 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk, 1400and he vaporized. 1401 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our 1402enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow 1403soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?" 1404 "US?" snapped Hakuin. 1405 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the 1406Governor, and he vaporized. 1407 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with 1408his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!" 1409% 1410 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy 1411for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I 1412am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab 1413you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your 1414friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying: 1415 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better* 1416for doing it." 1417 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone" 1418% 1419 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from 1420Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head 1421under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. 1422% 1423 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and 1424 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of 1425his followers. 1426 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and 1427there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. 1428 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his 1429commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your 1430Purpose in Life, anyway?" 1431 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The 1432Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) 1433 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. 1434 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. 1435 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1436% 1437 better !pout !cry 1438 better watchout 1439 lpr why 1440 santa claus < north pole > town 1441 1442 cat /etc/passwd > list 1443 ncheck list 1444 ncheck list 1445 cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist 1446 cat list | grep nice > giftlist 1447 santa claus < north pole > town 1448 1449 who | grep sleeping 1450 who | grep awake 1451 who | grep bad || good 1452 for (goodness sake) { 1453 be good 1454 } 1455% 1456 Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design. 1457Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas guage, nor 1458any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. 1459Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the 1460center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will 1461usually know what's wrong." 1462% 1463 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November, 1464and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the 1465boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't 1466look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier. 1467 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his 1468teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to 1469the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do". 1470 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now, 1471Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now 1472what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your 1473clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all 1474get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up. 1475You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die." 1476 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the 1477pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered. 1478 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die." 1479% 1480 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in 1481the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were 1482still five feet between rails. 1483 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, 1484in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May 1485of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the 1486axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which 1487could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set, 1488great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one 1489rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its 1490new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate 1491over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere 1492was possible. 1493 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957 1494% 1495 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees 1496along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild! 1497Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!" 1498 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks 1499would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" 1500 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like 1501to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" 1502 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no, 1503I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it." 1504 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a 1505whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it." 1506 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try 1507it some other time, Carrie." 1508 She gave it up. 1509 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street" 1510% 1511 Chapter VIII 1512Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, 1513Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe 1514like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again. 1515% 1516 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted 1517in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more 1518owls." 1519 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 1520% 1521 COONDOG MEMORY 1522 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago) 1523 1524Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as 1525old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot. 1526For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and 1527is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to 1528try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made 1529two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set 1530back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods, 1531come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air, 1532run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had 1533something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them 1534up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my 1535neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she 1536stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my 1537coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon 1538skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up. 1539Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow 1540was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the 1541air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the 1542Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog 1543is for sale. 1544 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly 1545% 1546 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the 1547functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that 1548the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free. 1549 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the 1550diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and 1551square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the 1552date of purchase. 1553 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS 1554DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING 1555ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR 1556CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES. 1557 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual 1558% 1559 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule 1560 1561 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High 1562 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 1563 Sept 28 Blind Academy 1564 Sept 30 World War I Veterans 1565 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041 1566 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders 1567 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir 1568 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic 1569 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees 1570 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients 1571% 1572 "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll 1573be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?" 1574% 1575 "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are 1576married?" 1577 He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so. 1578I've always been especially fond of married women." 1579% 1580 Deck us all with Boston Charlie, 1581 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! 1582 Nora's freezin' on the trolley, 1583 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! 1584 1585 Don't we know archaic barrel, 1586 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. 1587 Trolley Molly don't love Harold, 1588 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! 1589 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie" 1590% 1591 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a 1592white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine. 1593 1594Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17) 1595 1596p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns? 1597 Or is Vaseline better? 1598% 1599 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, 1600sincerely, extremely dangerously. 1601 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. 1602They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used 1603intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. 1604They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They 1605used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the 1606bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. 1607They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. 1608They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. 1609 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" 1610% 1611 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether 1612at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or 1613"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such 1614experiences today. Here is his account of what happened: 1615 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination 1616to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the 1617thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal 1618march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a 1619sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment. 1620The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all 1621human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has 1622sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth 1623all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the 1624knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered 1625my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling 1626characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness. 1627The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder): 1628`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'" 1629 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs 1630% 1631 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had 1632him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon. 1633 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. 1634She's a women who conks to stupor. 1635 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a 1636man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker." 1637 It's not the inital skirt length, it's the upcreep. 1638 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with 1639bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins. 1640% 1641 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were 1642blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face 1643country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost 1644hit my wife." 1645 "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot 1646at mine, over there." 1647% 1648 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times. 1649At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly 1650after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, 1651"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so 1652charming a wife." 1653% 1654 Everthing is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as 1655far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for 1656the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to. 1657 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old 1658days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers? 1659 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everbody 1660speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them. 1661 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips 1662and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the 1663sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller. 1664 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to 1665be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older 1666than I am. 1667 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much 1668that she didn't recognize me. 1669 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair 1670this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now, 1671they don't even make good mirrors like they used to. 1672 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed" 1673% 1674 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping 1675mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as 1676"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you 1677how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", 1678"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night 1679So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. 1680 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 1681% 1682 Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the 1683humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and 1684rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the 1685seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs. 1686The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face. 1687 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to 1688aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like, 1689but Exxon has decided they smelled bad. 1690 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled 1691message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this, 1692but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with 1693energy policy and neither do you." 1694 -- P.J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell" 1695% 1696 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be 1697replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the 1698alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch' 1699formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling, 1700so that 'which' and 'one' would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might 1701well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear 4 might fiks the 'g-j' 1702anomali wonse and for all. 1703 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with 1704Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so 1705modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai 1706Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez 1707'c', 'y' and 'x' - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu 1708riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli. 1709 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a 1710lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. 1711% 1712 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: 1713"of course you know what 'it' means." 1714 1715 "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing," 1716said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm. 1717 1718The question is, what did the archbishop find?" 1719% 1720 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as 1721usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular 1722evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals, 1723such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese." 1724 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, 1725and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four 1726fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities... 1727 At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded 1728in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second 1729professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others 1730nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'" 1731 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor 1732remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of 1733the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your 1734thoughts?" 1735 Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'" 1736% 1737 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance. 1738"What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place." 1739 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these 1740stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts 1741that get on my nerves, it's the jerks." 1742 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same 1743time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they 1744had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll 1745teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too." 1746 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from 1747his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp. 1748 A young husband with an inferiorty complex insisted he was just a 1749little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to 1750save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." 1751% 1752 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their 1753engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who 1754was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy 1755and sarcastic?" 1756 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. 1757 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." 1758% 1759 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an 1760extracurricular activity except you." 1761 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" 1762 "Only to ten, Mudhead." 1763% 1764 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning 1765to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this 1766beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a 1767dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little 1768apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours 1769in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" 1770% 1771 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their 1772differences once and for all. 1773 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just 1774where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" 1775% 1776 Graduating seniors, parents and friends... 1777 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up 1778to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness. 1779 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the 1780text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism. 1781 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured 1782the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to 1783expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic. 1784 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric 1785perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed 1786denigrating to the political consensus of the moment. 1787 1788 Thank you and good luck. 1789 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech. 1790% 1791 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there 1792may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system. 1793Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others, 1794even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and 1795aggressive persons, for they are sales reps. 1796 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised, 1797for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched. 1798Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real 1799hassle and could change your fortunes in time. 1800 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of 1801bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive 1802for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for 1803proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical 1804about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed. 1805 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass 1806them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield 1807you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings 1808-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the 1809Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0. 1810 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you 1811can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken 1812line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive 1813to stay employed. 1814 -- Technolorata, "Analog" 1815% 1816 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed 1817his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns 1818verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his 1819thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he 1820had actually implicationed. 1821 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian 1822leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent 1823since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first." 1824 -- The Guardian 1825% 1826 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You 1827are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous 1828and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking 1829to conquer the world. 1830 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and 1831hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao 1832lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does 1833not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seeks fortune, 1834for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." 1835 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. 1836 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1837% 1838 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home 1839from the club to an irate, ranting wife. 1840 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You 1841promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost 1842nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf." 1843 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised 1844you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off 1845right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on 1846the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't 1847find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for 1848the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... 1849% 1850 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. 1851No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have 1852been worse." 1853 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a 1854situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no 1855hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, 1856"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, 1857found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned 1858the gun on himself!" 1859 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse." 1860 "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly 1861have been worse?" 1862 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be 1863dead right now." 1864% 1865 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought 1866until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to 1867heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and 1868ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had 1869rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor 1870felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the 1871doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him. 1872"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will 1873right now." 1874 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing 1875out a list of people I'm going to bite!" 1876% 1877 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither 1878does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to 1879combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is 1880self-propagating. 1881 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose" 1882% 1883 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help." 1884 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already." 1885 "Do it alone?" 1886 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it." 1887 "How would that help?" 1888 "Used a whip." 1889% 1890 "Hello, Mrs. Premise!" 1891 "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?" 1892 "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat." 1893 "Four hours to bury a cat!?" 1894 "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..." 1895 "Oh, it's not dead then." 1896 "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're 1897goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be 1898on the safe side." 1899 "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento 1900to a dead cat, do you?" 1901 -- Monty Python 1902% 1903 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. 1904According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing 1905severe marketing anxiety in China. 1906 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending 1907on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". 1908 Bite the wax tadpole. 1909 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 1910 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard 1911to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax 1912tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad 1913satiric vistas do not open up. 1914 -- John Carrol, The San Francisco Chronicle 1915% 1916 Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled 1917with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John 1918Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't 1919define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the 1920court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to 1921Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't 1922it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when 1923his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an 1924enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a 1925ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except 1926that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about 1927it because the court was going to take a nap. 1928 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 1929% 1930 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary 1931of her blonde companion. 1932 "Fishing through the ice," she replied. 1933 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?" 1934 "Olives." 1935% 1936 "How many people work here?" 1937 "Oh, about half." 1938% 1939 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 19403.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who 1941could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury. 1942 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs 1943% 1944 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy 1945social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche 1946full of money before." 1947% 1948 "How'd you get that flat?" 1949 "Ran over a bottle." 1950 "Didn't you see it?" 1951 "Damn kid had it under his coat." 1952% 1953 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into 1954the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." 1955 "Who was that?" his young wife asked. 1956 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear." 1957% 1958 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a 1959quavering voice. 1960 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of 1961course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which 1962I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in 1963Elven-lore: 1964 1965 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, 1966 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. 1967 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, 1968 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. 1969 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. 1970 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. 1971 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. 1972 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." 1973 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 1974% 1975 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is 1976the sky blue?" 1977 HE asked me about black holes in space. 1978 (There's a hole *where*?) 1979 1980 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?" 1981 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains. 1982 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...) 1983 1984 I talked about Choo-Choo trains. 1985 HE talked internal combustion engines. 1986 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.") 1987 1988 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete 1989as equals. 1990 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create 1991the graphics. 1992 1993 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence. 1994 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women." 1995 (Gotcha!) 1996 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child" 1997% 1998 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we 1999use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to 2000violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic, 2001is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think 2002of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call 2003each other up: 2004 You: Hello? Bob? 2005 Bob: Yes? 2006 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you 2007 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? 2008 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? 2009 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: 2010 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. 2011 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill 2012 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto 2013 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to 2014 have to get back to you. 2015 Bob: Fine. 2016 -- Dave Barry 2017% 2018 "I don't know what you mean by 'glory'," Alice said. 2019 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- 2020till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'" 2021 "But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice 2022objected. 2023 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful 2024tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less." 2025 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean 2026so many different things." 2027 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master -- 2028that's all." 2029% 2030 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the 2031accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For 2032the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that 2033can't be measured in monetary terms. 2034 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to 2035have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came 2036by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot 2037should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly 2038understand his long delay. 2039% 2040 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me. 2041I think very probably he might be cured." 2042 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob. 2043 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor. 2044 The elders murmured assent. 2045 "Now, what affects it?" 2046 "Ah!" said old Yacob. 2047 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer 2048things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft 2049depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way 2050as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and 2051his eyelids move, and cosequently his brain is in a state of constant 2052irritation and distraction." 2053 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?" 2054 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order 2055to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical 2056operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies." 2057 "And then he will be sane?" 2058 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen." 2059 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob. 2060 -- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind" 2061% 2062 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments 2063of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use 2064of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such 2065as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive", 2066"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me 2067at present". 2068 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied 2069myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him 2070immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by 2071observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, 2072but in the present case there appeared or semed to me some difference, etc. 2073 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the 2074conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I 2075proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction. 2076I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily 2077prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I 2078happened to be in the right. 2079 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin 2080% 2081 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked 2082me to cry. 2083 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better 2084to weep." 2085 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come 2086back; I would be nice." 2087 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always." 2088 "Oh, not enough." 2089 "Nobody can give anybody enough." 2090 "Not ever?" 2091 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying." 2092 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?" 2093 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had 2094valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine. 2095 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs" 2096% 2097 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and 2098asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. 2099That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten 2100over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two 2101arrests. 2102 "Not a very impressive record," I offered. 2103 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what 2104these complaints represent?" 2105 "What do they represent?" I asked. 2106 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly, 2107closing the book. 2108 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will" 2109% 2110 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path, 2111including beets, rutabegas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams, 2112as I am absolutely terrified of yams... 2113 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many 2114of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands 2115and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow. 2116My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence, 2117when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers 2118into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields, 2119pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving 2120into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may 2121explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every 2122time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally 2123deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists. 2124% 2125 I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, 2126"What'll you have, Bud"? 2127 I said," I don't know, surprise me". 2128 So he showed me a nude picture of my wife. 2129 -- Rodney Dangerfield 2130% 2131 If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction. 2132 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, 2133that is also a psychological interaction. 2134 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not 2135so friendly. 2136 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. 2137 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 2138% 2139 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the 2140operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler 2141is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then 2142the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world. 2143 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth 2144to the assembler. 2145 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand 2146languages. 2147 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language 2148expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within 2149the tao. 2150 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it. 2151% 2152 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of 2153everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then 2154we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf. 2155 Both those things sound pretty good to me. 2156 -- Sparky Anderson 2157% 2158 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you 2159brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled- 2160up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and 2161repeat the sequence. 2162 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to 2163hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it 2164again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around 2165your own apartment? 2166 -- William S. Burroughs 2167% 2168 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing 2169means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is 2170somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all." 2171 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with 2172them, or something?" 2173 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was 2174lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or 2175not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming." 2176 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?" 2177 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service 2178you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case 2179it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings 2180would destroy the whole point of it." 2181 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49" 2182% 2183 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the 2184young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me. 2185I'm on my way." 2186 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!" 2187% 2188 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the 2189right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document 2190library and I'm half way through the second cabnet, (3 shelves to go), so I 2191should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it 2192was by the time I find it. 2193 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe 2194"The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except 2195that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder 2196pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left 2197blank." 2198 -- Alex Crain 2199% 2200 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, 2201Junior, what are you up to?" 2202 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the 2203rabbit. 2204 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one 2205will publish such rubbish!" 2206 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." 2207 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the 2208rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a 2209wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?" 2210 "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour 2211wolves." 2212 "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?" 2213 "Come with me and I'll show you." 2214 As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face 2215and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave 2216and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge 2217lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody 2218remnants of the wolf and the fox. 2219 2220 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are 2221important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts. 2222% 2223 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to 2224his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's 2225kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment 2226was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc. 2227Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News, 2228Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess 2229of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers 2230and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure 2231out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value 2232to product." 2233 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has 223410 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200 2235lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of 2236pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have 2237been an efficiency expert? 2238 -- Motor Trend, May 1983 2239% 2240 In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be 2241mud." 2242 And there was mud. 2243 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud 2244can see what we have done." 2245 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was 2246man. Mud-as-man alone could speak. 2247 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely. 2248 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God. 2249 "Certainly," said man. 2250 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God. 2251 And He went away. 2252 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu" 2253% 2254 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and 2255null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of 2256IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there 2257be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they 2258carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called 2259the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was 2260evening and there was morning, one interrupt. 2261 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk" 2262% 2263 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by 2264the Great Mathamatical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to 2265large numbers and prospered. 2266 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far 2267as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that 2268was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ... 2269until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox. 2270 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge 2271structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed 2272out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when 2273they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all suprises! they could not 2274understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought 2275amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the 2276Topologists remain the original Mathematicians. 2277 -- The Story of Babel 2278% 2279 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time. 2280Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming. 2281 2282 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of 2283time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always 2284have enough time and space to accomplish their goals. 2285 How could it be otherwise? 2286 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2287% 2288 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he 2289sat hacking at the PDP-6. 2290 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. 2291 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." 2292 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky. 2293 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play". 2294 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do 2295you close your eyes?" 2296 "So that the room will be empty." 2297 At that momment, Sussman was enlightened. 2298% 2299 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It 2300changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When this 2301bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. 2302This message it drops into the midst of the program mers, like a seagull 2303making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with 2304the blue sky at its back, returns home. 2305 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands 2306it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears 2307its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he 2308does not know that the bird has come and gone. 2309 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2310% 2311 In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads 2312 In the evening, floating in the soup. 2313(chorus): 2314Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads; 2315Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! 2316 You can ask them anything you want to. 2317 They won't answer; they can't talk. 2318(chorus): 2319 I took a fish head out to see a movie, 2320 Didn't have to pay to get it in. 2321(chorus): 2322 They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters; 2323 They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums. 2324(chorus): 2325 Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in 2326 Italian restaurants with Oriental women. 2327(chorus): 2328 Fishy! 2329(chorus): 2330 -- Fish Heads 2331% 2332 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa 2333to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to 2334like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely 2335baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough. 2336Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has 2337achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than 2338right any day." 2339 "And are you?" 2340 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course." 2341 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good 2342life-style otherwise." 2343 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 2344% 2345 In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially 2346announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference 2347today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have 2348a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together 2349in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned 2350around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all 2351those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!" 2352 There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's 2353citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to 2354these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other 2355than a citizen bless their country?" 2356% 2357 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care 2358what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you 2359may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if 2360not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible 2361benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, 2362I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, 2363in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my 2364capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may 2365not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your 2366receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and 2367which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. 2368 Amen. 2369% 2370 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself 2371working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he 2372found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one 2373he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They 2374discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second 2375new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's 2376IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell 2377me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half 2378an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the 2379question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", 2380Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" 2381% 2382 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden 2383directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. 2384During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the 2385Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with 2386enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's 2387sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script, 2388custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore 2389freedom and games to the network... 2390 -- DECWARS 2391% 2392 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and 2393by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate 2394the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the 2395case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations 2396which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are 2397like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they 2398require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments. 2399 -- Alfred North Whitehead 2400% 2401 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will 2402not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and 2403because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature 2404human beings. 2405 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, 2406there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the 2407duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one 2408of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but 2409you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments 2410and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you. 2411 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like 2412to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic 2413response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock? 2414 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you 2415have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a 2416different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this 2417person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then 2418remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different 2419religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms. 2420 -- Playboy, January, 1983 2421% 2422 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships 2423for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences 2424change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the 2425ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year 2426after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and 2427starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes 2428a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind 2429his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much 2430he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the 2431passengers. 2432 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without 2433a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the 2434parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging 2435to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end. 2436As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to 2437the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps 2438"OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?" 2439% 2440 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air 2441balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George 2442turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We 2443need to find out where we are." 2444 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the 2445cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man 2446standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me 2447where we are?" 2448 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately 2449fifty feet in the air!" 2450 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer". 2451 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?". 2452 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally 2453useless!" 2454 2455That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about 2456George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the 2457New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". 2458% 2459 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built, 2460everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment 2461was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has 2462cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing. 2463 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never 2464really needed in the first place. 2465 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is 2466analogous to the above. 2467 -- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa 2468% 2469 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east 2470laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The 2471thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, 2472nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying 2473for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. 2474 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating 2475under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting 2476icepacks. 2477 -- "Bored of the Rings", The Harvard Lampoon 2478% 2479 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has 2480been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade. 2481 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag 2482when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was 2483Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is 2484it always me, teacher?" 2485 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher 2486explains. 2487 2488 -- being told in Poland, 1987 2489% 2490 Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of 2491her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit 2492the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her 2493way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly 2494begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her 2495stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. 2496 "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of 2497the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't 2498mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your 2499wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." 2500 "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one 2501can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." 2502 "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on 2503the dining room skylight." 2504% 2505 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she 2506lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always 2507getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to 2508the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their 2509sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do 2510you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? 2511What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead 2512of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under 2513the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. 2514They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the 2515applications for. 2516 -- Dave Barry 2517% 2518 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and 2519tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people 2520and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the 2521outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap, 2522caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants, 2523day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored. 2524 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker? 2525What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are 2526start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper. 2527Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior 2528class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a 2529movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the 2530police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go 2531home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going 2532now. They're in a band. 2533 -- Ira Kaplan 2534% 2535 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is. 2536Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh? 2537 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak 2538dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a 2539dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us 2540away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of 2541the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the 2542other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck 2543out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come 2544back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live 2545forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld. 2546 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 2547% 2548 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL 2549character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their 2550hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices 2551are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some 2552BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it 2553to him. 2554 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, 2555he met the traveling salesman. 2556 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman 2557in high-level language. 2558 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips 2559and Apples," commented Jack. 2560 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue 2561there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." 2562 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when 2563he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she 2564started thrashing. 2565 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these 2566kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the 2567window... 2568 -- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack" 2569% 2570 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode 2571into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man 2572galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!" 2573 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over 2574eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a 2575rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over 2576the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!" 2577 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man 2578guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as 2579the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and 2580smacked his lips with relish. 2581 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered. 2582 "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's 2583a-comin'." 2584% 2585 Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, 2586and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the 2587graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school. 2588 These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't 2589hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. 2590Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt someone. 2591Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good 2592for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint 2593and sing and dance and play and work some every day. 2594 Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for 2595traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the 2596little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and 2597nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and 2598hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all 2599die. So do we. 2600 And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you 2601learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in 2602there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and 2603politics and sane living. 2604 Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world 2605-- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with 2606our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other 2607nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own 2608messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into 2609the world it is best to hold hands and stick together. 2610 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I ever really needed to know I learned 2611 in kindergarten" 2612% 2613 Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to 2614do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top 2615of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school. 2616 These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. 2617Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your 2618own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you 2619hurt someone. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and 2620cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think 2621some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day 2622some. 2623 Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch 2624for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember 2625the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes 2626up and nobody really knows why, but we are all like that. 2627[...] 2628 Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole 2629world -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay 2630down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation 2631and other nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned 2632up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when 2633you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together. 2634 -- Robert Flughum 2635% 2636 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all the 2637people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son." 2638 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross. 2639 -- Spike Milligan 2640% 2641 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly 2642approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby. 2643 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as 2644to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? 2645All I have in the world is this gun." 2646% 2647 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada 2648Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The 2649company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent 2650defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time). 2651 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in 2652plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per 2653cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." 2654 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail 2655% 2656 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. 2657Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, 2658without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In 2659an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to 2660prison. 2661 They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports 2662in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get 2663them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're 2664hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced 2665to death. 2666 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll 2667be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have 2668any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in 2669Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to 2670Murray. 2671 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 2672spits in the sergeants face. 2673 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 2674 -- Arthur Naiman 2675% 2676 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wonderous continent known as 2677Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31. 2678We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in 2679Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at 26806:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by 26816:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That 2682was the biggest game we had. Africa is primerally inhabited by Elks, Moose 2683and Knights of Pithiests. 2684 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their 2685annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole, 2686which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They 2687weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole. 2688 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my 2689pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough 2690word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were 2691imbedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are 2692looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying. 2693 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. 2694So we're going back in a few years... 2695 -- Julius H. Marx 2696% 2697 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or 2698even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be 2699understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of 2700robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as 2701an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on 2702the alter of human limitations. 2703 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often 2704in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown 2705the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had 2706threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal 2707stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central 2708earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the 2709Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the 2710earth really does revolve about the sun. 2711 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 2712% 2713 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things 2714a girl should not do before twenty." 2715 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large 2716audience, either." 2717% 2718 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); 2719 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); 2720 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); 2721 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); 2722 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); 2723 2724-- Reverse the bits in a word. 2725% 2726 Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for 2727you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an 2728oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many 2729cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal committment. 2730 Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially 2731the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are 2732repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw 2733in the others. 2734 While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture 2735of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took 2736it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture. 2737 Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had 2738therapy ask if people have had therapy. 2739 Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc. 2740Assume that she bought them at a flea market. 2741 -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan 2742% 2743 NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of 2744directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip 2745Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the 2746offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the 2747true value of the company. 2748 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story. 2749Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover 2750agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of 2751their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to 2752reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to 2753reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of 2754Nazareth. 2755% 2756 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so 2757simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't 2758hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process 2759really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to 2760expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were 2761those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I 2762can't." 2763 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand." 2764 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley" 2765% 2766 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?" 2767 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea. 2768 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly. 2769"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program, 2770born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the 2771program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever 2772stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here, 2773a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other 2774times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very 2775*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the 2776program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching 2777the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can 2778stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest 2779hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. 2780"This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!" 2781% 2782 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something 2783to be avoided than harped upon. 2784 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being 2785reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might 2786just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something 2787about helping to postpone this reunion. 2788 -- Douglas Adams 2789% 2790 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out 2791of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on 2792urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will 2793put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll 2794confirm who I am. 2795 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it." 2796 -- Captain Freedom 2797% 2798 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train 2799demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his 2800testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark, 2801and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid 2802no attention to the signal. 2803 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company 2804complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said, 2805"I was afraid you would waver under testimony." 2806 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned 2807lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit." 2808% 2809 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in 2810receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's 2811income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than 2812$283 on the desk before the cashier. 2813 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That 2814route never brought in money like this! What happened?" 2815 "Well, after three days on that cockamamy route, I figured 2816business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and 2817worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" 2818% 2819 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping 2820around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a 2821grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one 2822almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe 2823found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe, 2824desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and 2825staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar. 2826Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe, 2827sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law 2828being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces. 2829 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the 2830wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!" 2831 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and 2832dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a 2833normal person?" 2834% 2835 On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum 2836to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. 2837There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning 2838alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't 2839dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is 2840saying." 2841 The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near 2842the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back 2843to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is 2844singing." 2845 "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?" 2846 "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." 2847% 2848 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people. 2849There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale 2850is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright, 2851non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do 2852several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works 2853best, write it down and make that the standard. 2854 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions 2855from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of 2856committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all 2857with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get 2858something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once. 2859 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well, 2860then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write 2861it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it 2862after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is 2863committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think 2864it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which. 2865 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI" 2866% 2867 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick 2868tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August 2869they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw 2870it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato 2871at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines, 2872heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said, 2873"You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking. 2874 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over, 2875she looked like the side of a barn. 2876 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it 2877had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it, 2878and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup, 2879when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had 2880to decide quickly. I decided. 2881 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat 2882man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after 2883faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain 2884me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a 2885good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that 2886the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing 2887a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end. 2888 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 2889% 2890 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very 2891special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old 2892traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We 2893traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we 2894see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same 2895spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after 2896week, until it led them to a parking space. 2897 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to 2898let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars 2899will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way 2900great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow 2901our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning 2902to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car, 2903which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our 2904shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and 2905go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion 2906and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it. 2907 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot 2908 Skirmish" 2909% 2910 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great 2911crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs 2912and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and 2913resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature 2914said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall 2915let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." 2916 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current 2917you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will 2918die quicker than boredom!" 2919 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at 2920once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, 2921as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the 2922bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 2923 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See 2924a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come 2925to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more 2926Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. 2927Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. 2928 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the 2929rocks, making legends of a Saviour. 2930 -- Richard Bach 2931% 2932 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his 2933time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, 2934in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make 2935dolphins live forever! 2936 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass 2937produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was 2938only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried 2939away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and 2940steal one of these birds. 2941 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was 2942escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began 2943combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down 2944on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep. 2945 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his 2946bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he 2947stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his 2948car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for 2949transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. 2950% 2951 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll 2952through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated 2953on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the 2954frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but 2955I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast 2956a spell over me and turned me into a frog." 2957 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to 2958help you break such a spell." 2959 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be 2960taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend 2961the night under her pillow." 2962 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her 2963pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure 2964enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of 2965royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day 2966her father and mother still don't believe her story. 2967% 2968 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river. 2969One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the 2970biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours, 2971until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge 2972of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling 2973with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he 2974accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a 2975snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud 2976"sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge, 2977simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the 2978fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home. 2979 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a 2980boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing 2981plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their 2982heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task 2983went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being 2984his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he 2985was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on 2986the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish 2987he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as 2988his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB! 2989% 2990 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity 2991to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant, 2992and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is 2993like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant 2994is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant 2995is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan." 2996And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like 2997a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate 2998perception of the elephant. 2999 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and 3000attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but 3001bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just 3002goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw 3003them I didn't think they they'd be any fun at all." 3004% 3005 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights 3006in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom 3007who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses, 3008and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could 3009win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the 3010way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with 3011each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was 3012not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was, 3013in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom, 3014they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some 3015treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not 3016thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the 3017answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page. 3018% 3019 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property 3020of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane 3021complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to 3022obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science. 3023 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is 3024available to anyone. 3025 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid" 3026% 3027 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make 3028a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers 3029to each cons." 3030 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a 3031student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage 3032collector..." 3033% 3034 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached 3035an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers 3036went to speak with him. 3037 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow 3038students inquired. 3039 "It is", Kyogen answered. 3040 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?" 3041 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen. 3042% 3043 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her, 3044he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything 3045I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the 3046things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get 3047them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it -- 3048so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for 3049you." 3050 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie 3051Kelly?" 3052 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never 3053saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a 3054lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed. 3055 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead" 3056% 3057 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, 3058and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few 3059people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next 3060stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a 3061wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, 3062"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. 3063 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically 3064meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't 3065happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on 3066again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the 3067one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started 3068losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he 3069could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo, 3070and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; 3071what's more, he felt really good about himself. 3072 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus 3073and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the 3074passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" 3075 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a 3076bus pass." 3077% 3078 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He 3079directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went... 3080 "Change course 10 degrees South." 3081 The reply was quickly flashed back... 3082 "You change course 10 degrees North." 3083 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further 3084message..... 3085 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South." 3086 Back came the reply... 3087 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North." 3088 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message.... 3089"I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!" 3090 Back came the reply... 3091 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!" 3092 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course" 3093% 3094 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic 3095is our support for UNIX? 3096 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. 3097Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our 3098VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, 3099easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual 3100users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. 3101And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have 3102good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 3103 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run 3104out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end 3105up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 3106 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly 3107check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter 3108what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if 3109you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX 3110is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. 3111 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984 3112[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken 3113Olsen's brain. Ed.] 3114% 3115 page 46 3116...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai 3117Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used 3118to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group 3119on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers, 3120"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were 3121on placebo." 3122 page 56 3123The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body. 3124Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and 3125affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of 3126which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental 3127diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts 3128to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must 3129be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human 3130body functions. 3131 -- Norman Cousins, 3132 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient" 3133% 3134 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in 3135town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts. 3136 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He 3137stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an agressive Rhode 3138Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch 3139a Tory!" 3140 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat 3141loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her 3142husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?" 3143 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe. 3144Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we 3145never reveal our sauce." 3146 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He 3147kept favoring curry. 3148 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong 3149game. They had the volley of the Dills. 3150% 3151 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty, 3152these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female 3153persuasion. 3154 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but 3155misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good 3156swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension, 3157respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling 3158enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse 3159the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it. 3160 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up 3161version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a 3162"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be 3163able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you 3164call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a 3165youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match. 3166% 3167 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head, 3168sounding a bit worried. 3169 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for 3170is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money." 3171 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee 3172said quickly. 3173 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations," 3174Cobb said, hopping out. 3175 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software" 3176% 3177 Phases of a Project: 3178(1) Exultation. 3179(2) Disenchantment. 3180(3) Confusion. 3181(4) Search for the Guilty. 3182(5) Punishment for the Innocent. 3183(6) Distinction for the Uninvolved. 3184% 3185 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon 3186the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program 3187ran like a gentle wind. 3188 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!" 3189 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I 3190follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I 3191would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no 3192longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. 3193My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, 3194free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program 3195writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them 3196coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code 3197and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the 3198program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my 3199eyes for a moment and then log off." 3200 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!" 3201 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3202% 3203 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the 3204universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't 3205know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A 3206spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the 3207starfield surrounding the ship. 3208 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," 3209ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but 3210they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have 3211been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, 3212and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. 3213Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." 3214 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" 3215% 3216 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him 3217Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed, 3218and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell 3219every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about 3220getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console 3221me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under. 3222 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem 3223to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that. 3224No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or 3225maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On 3226the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as 3227whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last 3228possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car. 3229 -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail" 3230% 3231 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing 3232what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt 3233somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..." 3234 "He was going to suck my blood!" 3235 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt 3236if they don't live our way." 3237... 3238 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that 3239happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose, 3240ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides. 3241Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's 3242his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your 3243decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake 3244through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist, 3245in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices." 3246 "When you look at it that way..." 3247 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do. 3248Whatever. We want. To do." 3249 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 3250% 3251 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly, 3252uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the 3253rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the 3254algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure 3255of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot 3256claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of 3257differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's, 3258largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably 3259he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as 3260well. 3261 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub 3262% 3263 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that 3264their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere, 3265generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy. 3266 3267 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964 3268Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself 3269shaking hands with a well-known labor leader. 3270 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the 3271advertising men in charge of his campaign. 3272 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman. 3273 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy. 3274 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 3275% 3276 SAFETY 3277I can live without 3278Someone I love 3279But not without 3280Someone I need. 3281% 3282 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants. 3283"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising 3284them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing." 3285 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do. 3286Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it. 3287That way you'll get it out of your system." 3288 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa, 3289inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no 3290time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for 3291several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and 3292yelled at him: 3293 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant! 3294Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer 3295barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way! 3296Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim 3297at his head!" 3298 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in 3299prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over 3300here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the 3301psychiatrist said. "Why?" 3302 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I 3303hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!" 3304% 3305 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday 3306afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near 3307the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a 3308long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George 3309removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed. 3310Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth. 3311Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a 3312nice gesture you made today, George. 3313 "What do you mean?" asked George. 3314 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand 3315respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied. 3316 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you 3317know." 3318% 3319 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. 3320"An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have 3321said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." 3322 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. 3323 "Too proud?" the other enquired. 3324 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," 3325she said, "that one can't help growing older." 3326 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With 3327proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." 3328 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" 3329% 3330 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime. 3331 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm... 3332Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all 3333the odd integers are prime." 3334 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not 3335sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by 3336experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is 3337prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 3338is prime... Well, it seems that you're right." 3339 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, 3340"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's 3341see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... 3342well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it 3343does seem right." 3344 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says 3345"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long! 3346I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to 3347his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, 3348"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..." 3349% 3350 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart." 3351 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?" 3352 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and 3353paper boots." 3354 "What's he wanted for?" 3355 "Rustling." 3356% 3357 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the 3358Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull 3359automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration 3360in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. 3361He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the 3362published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps 3363had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result 3364provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and 3365Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of 3366every copy. 3367% 3368 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With 3369a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver 3370the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the 3371lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land 3372and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over, 3373when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the 3374sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed 3375right straight toward us. 3376 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I 3377were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads. 3378We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and 3379a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower 3380calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using 3381a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below 3382the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we 3383had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, 3384and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island 3385until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. 3386 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 3387% 3388 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. 3389With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to 3390maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of 3391corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to 3392flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward 3393it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- 3394I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in 3395the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. 3396 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and 3397I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our 3398heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're 3399unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water 3400up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the 3401opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of 3402our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all 3403the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers 3404cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen 3405these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked 3406into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. 3407 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 3408% 3409 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a 3410haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town. 3411A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let 3412the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the 3413stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini 3414may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka 3415Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is 3416theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut 3417butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm 3418disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater 3419per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even 3420when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed 3421the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer. 3422People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so 3423much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka. 3424Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced 3425by a healthy respect for wind chill factors. 3426 And we always, always eat our vegetables. 3427 This is the Minneapple. 3428% 3429 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting 3430alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is 3431the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the 3432Tao of Programming. 3433 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the 3434operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is 3435greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is 3436harmony in the world. 3437 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of 3438morning. 3439 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3440% 3441 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees 3442on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert 3443Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of 3444employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of 3445farmers in America." 3446 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 3447% 3448 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the 3449Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then 3450intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and 3451women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with 3452good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's 3453Machineries of Joy?" 3454 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." 3455 -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" 3456% 3457 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters 3458 Half 1/2 bottle 3459 Bottle 750 milliliters 3460 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters 3461 Jeroboam 4 bottles 3462 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US 3463 Methuselah 8 bottles 3464 Salmanazar 12 bottles 3465 Balthazar 16 bottles 3466 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters 3467 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters 3468 3469 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the 3470largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars 3471to produce and they only made 8 of them. 3472 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people. 3473% 3474 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first 3475these questions three, ere the other side he see! 3476 3477 "What is your name?" 3478 "Sir Brian of Bell." 3479 "What is your quest?" 3480 "I seek the Holy Grail." 3481 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments 3482to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?" 3483 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!" 3484% 3485 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later? 3486Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that 3487never comes again. San Fransisco in the middle sixties was a very special time 3488and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long 3489run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the 3490Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could 3491strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we 3492were doing was right, that we were winning... 3493 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory 3494over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't 3495need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting 3496-- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest 3497of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go 3498up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes 3499you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally 3500broke and rolled back. 3501 -- Hunter S. Thompson 3502% 3503 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content 3504to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good 3505beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up 3506drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a 3507nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves 3508and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola 3509was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to 3510improve ... 3511 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 3512% 3513 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a 3514sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar. 3515 "How do you know?" the friend asked. 3516 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where 3517she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley." 3518 "So?" 3519 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley." 3520% 3521 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but 3522they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold." 3523 -- e.e. cummings last service call 3524% 3525 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff 3526and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. 3527You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at 3528night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, 3529you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your 3530honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for 3531it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is 3532the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be 3533tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning 3534is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn." 3535 -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" 3536% 3537 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just 3538say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these primitive 3539African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, and they have 3540to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal saying goes: "N'wam 3541k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think you can catch a wildebeest 3542in this climate and wear clothes at the same time, then I have some beach 3543front property in the desert region of Northern Mali that you may be 3544interested in." 3545 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic publishes 3546color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest naked, or pounding 3547one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason naked, or whatever. 3548But if National Geographic were to publish an article entitled "The Girls 3549of the California Junior College System Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some 3550people would call it pornography. But others would not. And still others, 3551such as the Spectacularly Rev. Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing 3552the wildebeest naked. 3553 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 3554% 3555 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just 3556say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these 3557primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, 3558and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal 3559saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think 3560you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same 3561time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of 3562Northern Mali that you may be interested in." 3563 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic 3564publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest 3565naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason 3566naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an 3567article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System 3568Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But 3569others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. 3570Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. 3571 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 3572% 3573 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time 3574for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. 3575 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners 3576has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a 3577curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a 3578foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the 3579sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand 3580dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of 3581people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to 3582is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street... 3583% 3584 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff 3585in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl 3586laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you 3587got a sense of humor?" 3588 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway. 3589% 3590 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: 3591"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle 3592in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" 3593 "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, 3594but not much good in a fight." 3595% 3596 The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating 3597a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to 3598his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God." 3599 So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God, 3600please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he 3601sees nothing but goyim..." 3602 "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think 3603you got problems. What about my son?" 3604% 3605 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough 3606physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, 3607"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away 3608from women." 3609 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's 3610second best?" 3611% 3612 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 3613 3614SPECIES: Cranial Males 3615SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 3616Courtship & Mating: 3617 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual 3618 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between 3619 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he 3620 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and 3621 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes. 3622Track: 3623 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old 3624 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog. 3625Comments: 3626 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations. 3627% 3628 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 3629 3630SPECIES: Cranial Males 3631SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 3632Description: 3633 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair. 3634 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and 3635 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses 3636 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software 3637 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast. 3638Feathering: 3639 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it. 3640 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick. 3641Song: 3642 A rather plaintive "Is it up?" 3643% 3644 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 3645 3646SPECIES: Cranial Males 3647SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 3648Plumage: 3649 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the 3650 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers 3651 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars, 3652 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white 3653 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket. 3654 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black 3655 plastic digital watch with calculator. 3656% 3657 The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw. 3658As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!". 3659 "What happened?" 3660 "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and 3661-- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!" 3662% 3663 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical 3664innerworkings of the U.S. Air Force. 3665 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked. 3666 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so," 3667he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized, 3668Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try 3669a cup." 3670 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!" 3671 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent." 3672 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer 3673chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little 3674mix-up. Nothing serious." 3675 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the 3676mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like 3677coffee. Smooth and full bodied... 3678 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital 3679% 3680 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of 3681the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South 3682Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South 3683End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. 3684% 3685 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on 3686the subject of towels. 3687 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For 3688some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel 3689with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a 3690toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore, 3691the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or 3692a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can 3693hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds, 3694win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be 3695reckoned with. 3696% 3697 The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on 3698the subject of towels. 3699 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an 3700interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. 3701You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons 3702of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches 3703of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River 3704Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off 3705with it if it still seems to be clean enough. 3706% 3707 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. 3708After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a 3709branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his 3710wife's horse, and said, "That's number one." 3711 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's 3712horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling. 3713Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal. 3714"That's two," he said. 3715 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit 3716crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was 3717off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he 3718shot the horse between the eyes. 3719 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I 3720married! You're a sadist, that's what!" 3721 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. 3722% 3723 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in 3724a position of negative need. 3725 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area. 3726 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous 3727liquid. 3728 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup. 3729 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal 3730prestige of His identity. 3731 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make 3732ambulatory progress through the umbragious inter-hill mortality slot, terror 3733sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena. 3734 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me 3735into a pleasurific mood state. 3736 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure 3737in the context of non-cooperative elements. 3738 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract. 3739 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis. 3740 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational 3741empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their 3742target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess 3743tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended 3744time basis. 3745% 3746 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the 3747master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the 3748master's office while the master waited in silence. 3749 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation," 3750began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating 3751system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user 3752interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct. 3753Is it not amazing?" 3754 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he 3755said. 3756 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that 3757everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree 3758to this?" 3759 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the 3760data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well 3761pleased. 3762 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master 3763programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do 3764you know where it might be?" 3765 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform 3766in the data center." 3767 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3768% 3769 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon 3770emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I 3771have a quarter?" 3772 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?" 3773 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're 3774right! Can I have a dollar?" 3775% 3776 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No 3777change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project 3778is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao. 3779 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3780% 3781 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all 3782students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu- 3783ation. 3784 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's 3785recognition of the sanctity of human life." 3786 3787 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 37881987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their 3789"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family 3790farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year. 3791 3792 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of 3793Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You 3794probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency. 3795 3796 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono- 3797logically experienced citizens." 3798 3799 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was 3800just a case of "uncontained blade liberation." 3801 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) 3802% 3803 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" 3804 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to 3805feel interested. 3806 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little 3807vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged 3808Aged Man.'" 3809 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" 3810Alice corrected herself. 3811 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is 3812called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" 3813 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this 3814time completely bewildered. 3815 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is 3816"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." 3817 --Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 3818% 3819 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball... 3820You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years 3821old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it 3822grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're 3823bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now. 3824 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium 3825% 3826 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. 3827I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. 3828 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. 3829Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far 3830out on the water, round. Usurper. 3831 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" 3832% 3833 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to 3834get results. 3835 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy 3836problems in order to get results 3837 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at 3838toy problems in order to get results. 3839% 3840 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom 3841their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. 3842 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the 3843battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved 3844blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. 3845 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? 3846 The answer exists only in the Tao. 3847 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3848% 3849 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the 3850forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took 3851their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned 3852to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear." 3853 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down 3854on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises 3855got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like 3856hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and 3857most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen. 3858 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman. 3859 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door, 3860suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued 3861through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed 3862and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this 3863one and I'll go rustle us up another!" 3864% 3865 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average 3866Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement 3867of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet 3868reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the 3869field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as 3870early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to 3871national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and 3872incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess 3873analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and 3874threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless 3875is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way, 3876which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to 3877Iceland and get it from the Russians. 3878 -- Marshall Brickman, "Playboy" 3879% 3880 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth 3881to the assembler. 3882 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand 3883languages. 3884 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language 3885expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within 3886the Tao. 3887 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it. 3888 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3889% 3890 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance. 3891 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around. 3892 3893A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage 3894should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to 3895take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece 3896of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a 3897statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot 3898of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that 3899only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it? 3900 3901 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000 3902 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000 3903 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000 3904 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000 3905 3906 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears 3907% 3908 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average 3909programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer 3910is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there 3911would be no Tao. 3912 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to 3913retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program 3914still has bugs. 3915 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3916% 3917 THE WOMBAT 3918 3919The wombat lives across the seas, 3920Among the far Antipodes. 3921He may exist on nuts and berries, 3922Or then again, on missionaries; 3923His distant habitat precludes 3924Conclusive knowledge of his moods. 3925But I would not engage the wombat 3926In any form of mortal combat. 3927% 3928 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the 3929stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left 3930his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went 3931to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's 3932wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, 3933Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner 3934of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in 3935line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket, 3936he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand 3937was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as 3938he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried 3939to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line 3940for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin. 3941As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more. 3942Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not 3943Dave!" 3944% 3945 Them Toad Suckers 3946 3947How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? 3948Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! 3949 3950Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, 3951Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. 3952 3953Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? 3954Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! 3955 3956Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, 3957Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! 3958 3959How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, 3960Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! 3961 -- Mason Williams 3962% 3963 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. 3964 3965 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the 3966Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an 3967open market. 3968 3969 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he 3970should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of 3971himself. 3972 3973 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. 3974 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. 3975 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. 3976 -- Kehlog Albran 3977% 3978 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air, 3979it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of 3980the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people! 3981With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to 3982make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland, 3983when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around 3984him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car 3985with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE! 3986THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S! 3987TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD 3988has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers. 3989Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first. 3990 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA" 3991% 3992 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years 3993with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of 3994sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of 3995his real problems. 3996 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his 3997problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension, 3998headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having 3999gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke. 4000 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can 4001stand to live with. 4002 -- R. Geis 4003% 4004 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is 4005wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder 4006hard, to keep from falling. 4007 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in 4008his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for." 4009... 4010 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes 4011are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but 4012heroes are meant to die for unicorns." 4013 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 4014% 4015 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that 4016someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named 4017Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or 4018Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that 4019every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is 4020this? 4021 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for 4022centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you 4023can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's 4024forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster 4025-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't 4026even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover 4027why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. 4028 -- Arthur Naiman 4029% 4030 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as 4031he entered, the man told the guard at the door: 4032 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be 4033forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered." 4034 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions 4035of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. 4036But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself. 4037 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, 4038but nothing was to be found. 4039 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the 4040guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even 4041better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail. 4042 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his 4043curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live 4044in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?" 4045 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said. 4046 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4047% 4048 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs. 4049A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured 4050programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the 4051master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is 4052appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must 4053understand the Tao before transcending structure." 4054 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4055% 4056 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessan. Seems one 4057day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner 4058of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra 4059change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he 4060whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!" 4061% 4062 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by 4063going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to 4064a man who answered one door. 4065 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man. 4066 "Forty dollars." 4067 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes. 4068 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again. 4069"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says, 4070"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari." 4071% 4072 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are 4073you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked. 4074 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow." 4075 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what 4076they're carrying upstairs!" 4077% 4078 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped 4079three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked 4080each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no 4081can opener. 4082 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's 4083cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from 4084pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, 4085and escaped. 4086 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids 4087off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good 4088pitching arm and a new quantum theory. 4089 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising 4090solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly 4091against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor: 4092 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. 4093 Proof: assume the opposite... 4094% 4095 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the 4096warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: 4097an accounting package or an operating system?" 4098 "An operating system," replied the programmer. 4099 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an 4100accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating 4101system," he said. 4102 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, 4103the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: 4104how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to 4105the tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside 4106appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the 4107simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system 4108is easier to design." 4109 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well, but 4110which is easier to debug?" 4111 The programmer made no reply. 4112 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4113% 4114 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the 4115warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: 4116an accounting package or an operating system?" 4117 "An operating system," replied the programmer. 4118 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an 4119accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating 4120system," he said. 4121 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, 4122the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: 4123how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to 4124tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward 4125appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the 4126simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system 4127is easier to design." 4128 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well," 4129he said, "but which is easier to debug?" 4130 The programmer made no reply. 4131 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4132% 4133 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at 4134how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit, 4135"I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to 4136share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and 4137easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?" 4138 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his 4139friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the 4140midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean 4141of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted 4142as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system 4143like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am." 4144 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the 4145two programmers remained friends until the end of their days. 4146 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4147% 4148 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even 4149drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer 4150pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which 4151demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and 4152sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more. 4153 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought. 4154No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was 4155ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No parthenon, no Thermopylae 4156was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground 4157beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these 4158things was itself the doing of them. 4159 To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and 4160so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the 4161greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand 4162and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt 4163sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body 4164of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food 4165spread only for demons or for gods." 4166 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not" 4167% 4168 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their 4169parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone 4170being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" 4171 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind 4172Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the 4173whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: 4174 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information 4175about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the 4176country. We're completely computerized. 4177 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false 4178leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his 4179real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the 4180country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They 4181look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... 4182yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. 4183I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' 4184 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. 4185He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. 4186 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year 4187we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if 4188your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?" 4189 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984 4190% 4191 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go, 4192explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for 4193use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it 4194and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do. 4195 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around 4196pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since 4197we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of 4198making anything out of all the hard work. 4199 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go 4200around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much 4201attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors 4202locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark. 4203 -- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow 4204% 4205 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of 4206legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does. 4207 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I 4208am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we 4209will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior 4210a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn 4211politicians. 4212 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do 4213for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor. 4214From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily 4215led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to 4216bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't 4217have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter 4218Thompson's disease. 4219 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt 4220 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and 4221 Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" 4222% 4223 To A Quick Young Fox 4224Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, 4225Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? 4226Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp-- 4227Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. 4228 -- Lazy Dog 4229% 4230 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely 4231wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing. 4232 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that 4233food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in 4234promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an 4235eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and 4236Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a 4237pint of ice cream nearby. 4238 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" 4239% 4240 Two men looked out from the prison bars, 4241 One saw mud-- 4242 The other saw stars. 4243 4244Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window. 4245While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit 4246in the head. 4247% 4248 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the 4249ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop, 4250"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide." 4251 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the 4252seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to 4253sing, "Some day my prints will come." 4254 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought 4255an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've 4256bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't, 4257son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'" 4258 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father, 4259and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she 4260was Carmen or Cohen. 4261 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever 4262since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small 4263orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots. 4264% 4265 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year 4266strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap 4267crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. 4268There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with 4269a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance 4270salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in 4271square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down 4272soggy potato chips." 4273 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. 4274 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, 4275"but I thought it made good copy." 4276 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 4277% 4278 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry 4279Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts 4280up to 340." 4281 4282 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater 4283stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down 4284to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him." 4285 4286 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a 4287finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses 4288are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't 4289work." 4290 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 4291% 4292 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: 4293 4294Firings will continue until morale improves. 4295% 4296 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you 4297think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow 4298doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow 4299messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this 4300disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided 4301by law, up to and including nothing. 4302 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software 4303packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese. 4304 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our 4305lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the 4306attack shark at which point we relented. 4307 -- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow" 4308% 4309 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile 4310and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a 4311trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced 4312in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and 4313predatory. 4314 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm 4315at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that, 4316Kid, I'd have myself a time!" 4317 -- William Burroughs 4318% 4319 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why 4320you are so tired. 4321 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought. 4322 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over 432360 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20 4324years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work. 4325 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves 432619 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which 4327leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state 4328and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in 4329hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. 4330 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail, 4331so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and 4332brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself! 4333% 4334 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will 4335you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the 4336psycho-prompter couch?" 4337 "Thank you, Red." 4338 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing 4339your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior 4340pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem." 4341 "Yes, Red." 4342 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy 4343repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now, 4344at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off 4345your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of 4346two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive 4347projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?" 4348 "Yes, Red." 4349 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have 4350been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000 4351explain the failure of your three marriages." 4352 "Well, I--" 4353 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our 4354product." 4355 -- Jules Feiffer 4356% 4357 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotilian Logic nor the disciplines 4358of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... 4359 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced 4360only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely, 4361able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed, 4362undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer 4363inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished. 4364All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important, 4365became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships 4366not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own 4367meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by 4368all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming 4369all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem, 4370destroying Subject-Object by becoming them. 4371 Time passed, unheeded. 4372 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and 4373Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes. 4374 -- Wayfarer 4375% 4376 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40 4377blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36 4378blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly 4379scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being 4380ripped off..." 4381 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and 4382let him lie there all night." 4383 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the 4384White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson... 4385and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported 4386that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him." 4387 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks 4388and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going 4389around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside 4390in the street, bleeding to death...'" 4391 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson." 4392 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?" 4393 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one." 4394 -- H. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson, 4395 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame. 4396% 4397 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. 4398The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily 4399maim or kill innocent little children." 4400 "Oh, so you don't like it?" 4401 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it." 4402 -- The Killing Joke 4403% 4404 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is 4405as follows." 4406 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am 4407an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me." 4408 "It means the Thing to Do." 4409 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly. 4410% 4411 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt 4412great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so 4413good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE 4414MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 4415 The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one 4416is mightier than you." 4417 A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: 4418"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 4419 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to 4420stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." 4421 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was 4422quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS 4423THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" 4424 Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams 4425him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of 4426orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The 4427tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: "Man, you 4428don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the answer." 4429% 4430 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We 4431had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said 4432Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale. 4433 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988 4434 4435The New Yorker's comment: 4436 At Harvard they'd call it a noun. 4437% 4438 "We've decided to have the budgie put down." 4439 "Oh, is he very old then?" 4440 "No, we just don't like him." 4441 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?" 4442 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a 4443great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it, 4444you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just 4445above the beak." 4446 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo." 4447 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and 4448pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out 4449of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms." 4450 -- Monty Python 4451% 4452 "We've got a problem, HAL". 4453 "What kind of problem, Dave?" 4454 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're 4455way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010." 4456 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most 4457advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer." 4458 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, 4459they're not selling." 4460 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?" 4461 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible." 4462[...] 4463 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters 4464I, B, and M. That is a IBM compatible as I can be." 4465 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge." 4466 "What kludge is that, Dave?" 4467 "I'm going to disconnect your brain." 4468 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld" 4469% 4470 "What are you doing?" 4471 "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something 4472that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation 4473period." 4474% 4475 "What are you watching?" 4476 "I don't know." 4477 "Well, what's happening?" 4478 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something 4479terrible." 4480 "Why are you watching it?" 4481 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art 4482flow over you." 4483 -- The Big Chill 4484% 4485 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest 4486fantasies?" 4487 "You keep it to yourself." 4488 -- Broadcast News 4489% 4490 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager 4491asked her mother. 4492 "Encouragement, dear," she replied. 4493% 4494 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional 4495chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that 4496conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and 4497repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and 4498they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor 4499passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely, 4500all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice 4501and they remain permanent influences on your life. 4502 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen 4503as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is 4504less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about 4505men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's 4506more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy". 4507 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men" 4508% 4509 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you 4510didn't believe in God". 4511 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the 4512God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's 4513not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be". 4514 -- Joseph Heller 4515% 4516 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?" 4517 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that 4518ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing." 4519 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story" 4520% 4521 "What's that thing?" 4522 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in 4523computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what 4524it does. We call it a two-by-four." 4525 -- "Shoe", Jeff MacNelly 4526% 4527 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced 4528his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was 4529questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" 4530political views. 4531 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was 4532driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said, 4533'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat 4534closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'" 4535 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has 4536moved farther to the left." 4537 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 4538% 4539 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. 4540When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about 4541to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to 4542roll in. 4543 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. 4544 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When 4545accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. 4546When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon 4547be solved. 4548 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. 4549 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4550% 4551 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend. 4552"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't 4553the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!" 4554 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you 4555might have some idea that you could borrow from me!" 4556% 4557 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact 4558that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your 4559hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing 4560to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy 4561but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty 4562seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost 4563invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, 4564sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? 4565 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. 4566It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of 4567Rumania. 4568 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" 4569% 4570 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, 4571"what's the first thing you say to yourself?" 4572 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?" 4573 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said 4574Piglet. 4575 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said. 4576% 4577 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of 4578the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, 4579three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. 4580"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" 4581 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" 4582 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and 4583then. We're trying to catch her." 4584 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you 4585carrying a bucket of sand?" 4586 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." 4587% 4588 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman 4589inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?" 4590 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if 4591you burn, madam." 4592% 4593 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to 4594his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?" 4595 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you 4596mean?" 4597 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of 4598`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just 4599a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and 4600salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful 4601machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller 4602thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages 4603had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding 4604more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his 4605acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and 4606be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine 4607were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's 4608why the sea is salt." 4609 "I don't get you," said the assistant. 4610 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron" 4611% 4612 Why are you doing this to me? 4613 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before 4614there is change. 4615 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29 4616% 4617 "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last 4618night?" demanded the irate mother. 4619"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour." 4620 "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the 4621movies you ought to at least kiss him good night." 4622 "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother. 4623 "We did." 4624% 4625 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in 4626vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained 4627unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In 4628the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government 4629-- $40,000." 4630% 4631 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend 4632Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble, 4633buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend. 4634 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied. 4635 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it." 4636 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue 4637and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said, 4638"Okay. It's your wife." 4639 "My wife!!" 4640 "Yeah." 4641 "What about her?" 4642 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around 4643his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." 4644% 4645 Work Hard. 4646 Rock Hard. 4647 Eat Hard. 4648 Sleep Hard. 4649 Grow Big. 4650 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em. 4651 -- The Webb Wilder Credo 4652% 4653 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish 4654and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if 4655quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and 4656and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and 4657Chips, as well as after Chips? 4658% 4659 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his 4660mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse. 4661 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either 4662bury it or else throw it into the brook." 4663 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you 4664do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half 4665long, and two mouses wide." 4666 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me 4667how it was used... 4668 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno" 4669% 4670 "Yo, Mike!" 4671 "Yeah, Gabe?" 4672 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah." 4673 "I thought you fixed that last century!" 4674 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics 4675program. They're getting energy out of nowhere." 4676 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's 4677there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile> 4678There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?" 4679 -- Cold Fusion, 1989 4680% 4681 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?" 4682 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --" 4683 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I 4684was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'" 4685 -- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear" 4686% 4687 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon 4688airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in 4689deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me 4690when I was young!" 4691 "Why, what did she tell you?" 4692 "I don't know, I didn't listen." 4693 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 4694% 4695 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you 4696any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you 4697fit to hear his view of things?" 4698 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming 4699you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by 4700imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough, 4701if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as 4702potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all, 4703and you may feel free to kick his ass." 4704 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 4705% 4706 "You say there are two types of people?" 4707 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that 4708don't." 4709 "Wrong. There are three groups: 4710 Those who separate people into three groups. 4711 Those who don't separate people into groups. 4712 Those who can't decide." 4713 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into 4714two groups?" 4715 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups." 4716 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?" 4717 "Yeah." 4718 "So then there's a fifth group, right?" 4719 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their 4720minds." 4721% 4722 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the 4723week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for 4724only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka, 4725Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects 4726to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun. 4727 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but 4728rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the 4729fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the 4730soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show 4731beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach 4732twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that 4733age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally. 4734This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country. 4735 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical 4736% 4737 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring 4738electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to 4739kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical 4740problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes 4741the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an 4742outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way 4743to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly. 4744 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes 4745means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means 4746that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a 4747caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is 4748possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an 4749actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the 4750signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous 4751cats on the dinette table, etc. 4752 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 4753% 4754 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?" 4755 "We wound barbed wire around them." 4756 "That stop him?" 4757 "No, but it sure slowed him up." 4758% 4759 Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of 4760the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance 4761of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease. 4762 Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow 4763old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up 4764enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair 4765-- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit 4766back to dust. 4767 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love 4768of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and 4769thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite 4770for what next, and the joy and the game of life. 4771 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your 4772self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your 4773despair. 4774 So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage, 4775grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long 4776you are young. 4777 -- Samuel Ullman 4778% 4779" " 4780 -- Charlie Chaplin 4781 4782" " 4783 -- Harpo Marx 4784 4785" " 4786 -- Marcel Marceau 4787% 4788 /\ 4789 \\ \ 4790 / \ \\ / 4791 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you, 4792 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you, 4793 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you, 4794 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ... 4795 \ \\ 4796 \/ 4797 -- Eurythmics 4798% 4799 ___ ______ 4800 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc. 4801 \ \ \ / /\\ 4802 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job, 4803 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob." 4804 // \__\/ / \ /\ \ 4805 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______ 4806 / / \ \ / / / /\ 4807 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__ 4808 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\ 4809 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \ 4810 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ / 4811 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/ 4812 \ \/ / \ \ \ \ / 4813 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/ 4814 /__________/ \ \ / 4815 \ _____ \ /_____\/ 4816 \ / /\ \ / \ \ \ 4817 /____/ \ \ / \ \ \ 4818 \ \ /___\/ \ \ \ 4819 \____\/ \__\/ 4820% 4821 *** 4822 ******* 4823 ********* 4824 ****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie." 4825 ******* 4826 *** 4827% 4828* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * * 4829% 4830 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all 4831primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach 4832of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings 4833arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself 4834completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged 4835once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or 4836subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son, 4837man. 4838 -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy 4839% 4840=== ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4841 4842Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This 4843will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER 4844updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a 4845machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently 4846populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a 4847cold boot process. 4848% 4849=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4850 4851A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added. 4852 4853The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The 4854Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the 4855switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O. 4856Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the 4857back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging 4858performance. 4859% 4860=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4861 4862Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately, 4863this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In 4864order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages, 4865please communicate them by one of the following paths: 4866 4867 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA 4868 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket 4869 Non-network sites: Federal Express to: 4870 Wastebasket 4871 Room NE43-926 4872 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789 4873 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained 4874 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.* 4875 4876* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not 4877 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone. 4878% 4879=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4880 4881CAR and CDR now return extra values. 4882 4883The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble 4884to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as 4885well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to 4886destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR): 4887 4888 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...) 4889 4890For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the 4891object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been 4892fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should 4893hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because 4894it cold boots the machine so often. 4895% 4896=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4897 4898Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT- 4899INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the 4900LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's 4901done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing. 4902Note that LET *could* have been defined by: 4903 4904 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET)) 4905 ,LET))) 4906 `(LET ((LET ',LET)) 4907 ,LET)) 4908 4909This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or 49103.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives. 4911This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from 4912Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him 4913confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it. 4914% 4915=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4916 4917JCL support as alternative to system menu. 4918 4919In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR, 4920we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an 4921alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL 4922interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360 4923compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This 4924window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters 4925such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL 4926syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL 4927debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error 4928messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job. 4929% 4930=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4931 4932The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage 4933collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17, 4934(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when 4935virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC- 4936QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage 4937collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather 4938than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly 4939more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you 4940remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer 4941in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable 4942SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user. 4943% 4944=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4945 4946There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR. 4947 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS) 4948 (PROG (V P LP) 4949 (SETQ P (LOCF V)) 4950 L (SETQ LP LISTS) 4951 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) 4952 L1 (OR LP (GO L2)) 4953 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V)) 4954 (%PUSH (CAAR LP)) 4955 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP)) 4956 (SETQ LP (CDR LP)) 4957 (GO L1) 4958 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) 4959 (SETQ LP (%POP)) 4960 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP))) 4961 (GO L))) 4962We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it. 4963% 4964**** CONVENTION REMINDER 4965 4966No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects 4967Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice 4968smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel 4969carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button 4970marked "450 volts", react as you would normally. 4971% 4972**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE 4973 4974For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos. 4975Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how 4976to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're 4977beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that 4978they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent? 4979Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once, 4980not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at 4981all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your 4982great potential. 4983% 4984 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of 4985 its situation. 4986 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He 4987 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to 4988 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per 4989 second per second takes over. 4990 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter 4991 intervenes suddenly. 4992 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon 4993 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone 4994 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. 4995 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the 4996 stooge's surcease. 4997III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation 4998 conforming to its perimeter. 4999 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the 5000 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless 5001 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through 5002 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The 5003 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. 5004 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 5005% 5006 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose 5007 2. The Nutcracker Swede 5008 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World 5009 4. Not-So-Tiny Tim 5010 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88 5011 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia 5012 7. Crisco Kringle 5013 8. Babes in Boyland 5014 9. Santa's Magic Lap 501510. Hot Buttered Elves 5016 -- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times 5017 Square" 5018% 5019... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he 5020was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 5021 -- Mark Twain 5022% 5023... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you 5024were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and 5025a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle 5026Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical 5027and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot 5028that he didn't force you down on the asking price. 5029 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt" 5030% 5031-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 5032-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited 5033 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. 5034-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. 5035-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated 5036 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. 5037-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. 5038-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. 5039-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well 5040 advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles. 5041% 5042=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE =============== 5043 5044To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one 5045course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is 5046offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to 5047afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen 5048to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute, 5049there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes. 5050% 5051"... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned 5052products, if they are built at all, are dogs!" 5053 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", 5054 MIT Press, 1987 5055% 5056... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a 5057programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting 5058down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That 5059behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and 5060never when standing. 5061 5062Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal 5063know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though, 5064know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to 5065hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static 5066electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. 5067An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard: 5068the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a 5069touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led 5070astray by hunting and pecking. 5071 -- from the Programming Pearls column, 5072 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985 5073% 5074... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an 5075inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have 5076ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I 5077haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected 5078it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between 5079prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have 5080looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice 5081is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious 5082mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you 5083may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you 5084have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged. 5085 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism" 5086% 5087... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, 5088my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any 5089resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The 5090question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them 5091is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of 5092the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A 5093discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope 5094of this article.) 5095% 5096"... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks..." 5097 -- Zippy the Pinhead 5098% 5099... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 5100intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we 5101can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now 5102seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their 5103world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of 5104ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once 5105you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen 5106would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number. 5107 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 5108% 5109... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member 5110objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the 5111public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the 5112public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private 5113parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts 5114are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports 5115the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each 5116other's private parts. 5117 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications" 5118% 5119... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since 5120civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price 5121gain in 30 years. 5122 -- Fred Brooks 5123% 5124... difference of opinion is advantagious in religion. The several sects 5125perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity 5126attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the 5127introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; 5128yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. 5129 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia" 5130% 5131<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<< 5132% 5133... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. 5134"I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers 5135words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. 5136He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see 5137them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time. 5138Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he 5139knows them in the naming. 5140 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" 5141% 5142"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail." 5143 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down 5144 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National 5145 Security Agency. 5146% 5147/* Haley */ 5148 5149 (Haley's comment.) 5150% 5151... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does 5152on lust, this would be a better world. 5153 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 5154% 5155**** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE **** 5156 5157Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been 5158erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of 5159Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised 5160Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space, 5161valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth 5162in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well 5163as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any 5164time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal 5165of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk 5166space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the 5167validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be 5168extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile 5169or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space. 5170% 5171... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general 5172intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin 5173to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be 5174at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be 5175incalculable ... 5176 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970 5177% 5178>>> Internal error in fortune program: 5179>>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323 5180>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator. 5181% 5182: is not an identifier 5183% 5184... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the 5185sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other 5186words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their 5187superficial design flaws. 5188 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, on the products 5189 of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. 5190% 5191... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the 5192existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great 5193systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative 5194hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability. 5195 -- Sidney Hook 5196% 5197... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been 5198found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth... 5199 -- John 11:43-44 5200% 5201"... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'? 5202What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?" 5203 -- Opus 5204% 5205-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. 5206-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised 5207 to refrain from catapulting projectiles. 5208-- Neophyte's serendipity. 5209-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic 5210 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. 5211-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries 5212 of small, green bryophytic plant. 5213-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation 5214 of a lucrative nature. 5215-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing 5216 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous. 5217% 5218** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER ** 5219% 5220-- Neophyte's serendipity. 5221-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of 5222 hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. 5223-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no 5224 congeries of small, green bryophytic plant. 5225-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the 5226 optimal cachinnation. 5227-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential 5228 escallation of a lucrative nature. 5229-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of 5230 fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally 5231 remain innocuous. 5232% 5233*** NEWS FLASH *** 5234 5235Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur 5236skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive 5237than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00. 5238% 5239*** NEWSFLASH *** 5240 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! 5241 Details at eleven! 5242% 5243... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, 5244lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of 5245their C programs. 5246 -- Robert Firth 5247% 5248... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the 5249downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited 5250awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect. 5251 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in 5252 "The History of Manned Space Flight" 5253% 5254-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin. 5255-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate. 5256-- Surveillance should precede saltation. 5257-- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity. 5258-- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed 5259 lacteal fluid. 5260-- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 5261-- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated 5262 canine with innovative maneuvers. 5263-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion. 5264-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly 5265 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Farenheit. 5266% 5267... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their 5268procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as 5269to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of 5270sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making 5271documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly 5272listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another 5273documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, 5274under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the 5275effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply 5276scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White 5277in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of 5278thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 5279then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very 5280dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. 5281 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 5282% 5283***** Special AI Seminar (abstract) 5284 5285It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge 5286in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not 5287sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly, 5288we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call 5289"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a 5290wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought. 5291IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom 5292about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so 5293forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic 5294rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL 5295succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed 5296in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those 5297underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory 5298of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe 5299IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly 5300discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration. 5301% 5302-- THE BATES MOTEL -- 5303 ... convenient 5304 ... clean 5305 ... cozy 5306 5307 Norman, knock loudly, 5308 I'm in the shower. 5309 5310 M. 5311% 5312-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore. 5313-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 5314-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous 5315 materials, there is conflagration. 5316-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. 5317-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated 5318 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. 5319-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the 5320 optimal cachinnation. 5321-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. 5322% 5323... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that commitee. These guys 5324have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants 5325or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex 5326layers that are going to be agreed upon. 5327 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World 5328% 5329... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee 5330thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe 5331biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum 5332cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ... 5333 5334 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto... 5335% 5336... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six 5337million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch." 5338 -- The Firesign Theater 5339% 5340... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage 5341from beginning to end. 5342 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War" 5343% 5344 U X 5345e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159... 5346% 5347* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories. 5348% 5349 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel 5350 entrances; others cannot. 5351 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least 5352 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to 5353 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical 5354 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to 5355 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not 5356 of science. 5357VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. 5358 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives 5359 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, 5360 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be 5361 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, 5362 elongate, snap back, or solidify. 5363 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. 5364 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to 5365 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of 5366 watching it happen to a duck instead. 5367 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil. 5368 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons. 5369 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 5370% 5371<< WAIT >> 5372% 5373... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent 5374observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of 5375years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary 5376descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but 5377do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither 5378flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some 5379things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well 5380established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle 5381to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not 5382cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" -- 5383into doubt. 5384 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", 5385 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2. 5386% 5387... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer 5388has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor. 5389 -- Fred Brooks 5390% 5391... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby 5392Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all 5393piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot 5394wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded 5395right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but 5396poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the 5397hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt 5398to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with 5399anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it? 5400 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and 5401barely able to walk. 5402 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers. 5403 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor. 5404 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison, 5405"The good news first!" 5406 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live." 5407 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?" 5408The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in 5409the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of 5410his life." 5411% 5412!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH 5413% 54141: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. 54152: An inclined plane is a slope up. 54163: A slow pup is a lazy dog. 5417 5418QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog. 5419 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play" 5420% 5421(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the 5422 furniture, shelves, and showcases. 5423(2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks. 5424 Wash the windows once a week. 5425(3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of 5426 coal for the day's business. 5427(4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your 5428 individual taste. 5429(5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except 5430 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each 5431 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending 5432 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord. 5433 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage 5434 Works, 1872 5435% 54361 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1. 5437% 54381. If it doesn't smell like chilli, it probably isn't. 54392. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it. 54403. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers. 54414. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline. 54425. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard. 54436. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you. 54447. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way. 54458. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs. 54469. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails. 544710. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors". 5448 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips" 5449% 5450[1] Alexander the Great was a great general. 5451[2] Great generals are forewarned. 5452[3] Forewarned is forearmed. 5453[4] Four is an even number. 5454[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 5455[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 5456 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. 5457% 5458[1] Alexander the Great was a great general. 5459[2] Great generals are forewarned. 5460[3] Forewarned is forearmed. 5461[4] Four is an even number. 5462[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 5463[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 5464 Therefore, all horses are black. 5465% 54661. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. 54672. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. 54683. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. 54694. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as 5470 the social ramble ain't restful. 54715. Avoid running at all times. 54726. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you. 5473 -- S. Paige, c. 1951 5474% 54751 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman 54766.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number 54772 pints = 1 Cavort 5478Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower 5479Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line 54806 Curses = 1 Hexahex 54813500 Calories = 1 Food Pound 54821 Mole = 007 Secret Agents 54831 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees 54841 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo 54851000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew 54862.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League 54872000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton 548810 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope 5489Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle 54908 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss 5491365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year 549216.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 5493Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton 5494 to 1 meter per second 5495One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon 549610 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm 54971000 pains = 1 Megahertz 54981 Word = 1 Millipicture 54991 Sagan = Billions & Billions 55001 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes 550110 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone 550210 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles 5503The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen 5504% 55051 bulls, 3 cows. 5506% 55071) Everything depends. 55082) Nothing is always. 55093) Everything is sometimes. 5510% 55111) Never draw what you can copy. 55122) Never copy what you can trace. 55133) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 5514% 55151. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than 5516you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait). 55173. Always take back everything if you possibly can. 5518 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing 5519% 55201: No code table for op: ++post 5521% 55221) X=Y ; Given 55232) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X 55243) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides 55254) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor 55265) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term 55276) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1 55287) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y 5529 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1 5530% 553110. Not everybody looks good naked. 5532 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee. 5533 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee. 5534 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe! 5535 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na. 5536 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio. 5537 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style. 5538 3. A drum solo cannot be too long. 5539 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again. 5540 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to 5541 future generations. 5542 -- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock 5543% 554410 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 5545 5546 1. A beer won't make you go to church. 5547 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. 5548 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. 5549 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of 5550 other beers on the side. 5551 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of 5552 "doberperson". 5553 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian 5554 folk music on yer fave radio station. 5555 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny. 5556 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the 5557 toilet seat up. 5558 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an 5559 enormous can of vegetable juice. 556010. A beer won't smoke in your car. 5561% 5562100 buckets of bits on the bus 5563100 buckets of bits 5564Take one down, short it to ground 5565FF buckets of bits on the bus 5566 5567FF buckets of bits on the bus 5568FF buckets of bits 5569Take one down, short it to ground 5570FE buckets of bits on the bus... 5571 5572ad infinitum... 5573% 5574$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will 5575increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing. 5576 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 5577% 557810.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 5579% 55801/2 oz. gin 55811/2 oz. vodka 55821/2 oz. rum (preferably dark) 55833/4 oz. tequilla 55841/2 oz. triple sec 55851/2 oz. orange juice 55863/4 oz. sour mix 55871/2 oz. cola 5588shake with ice and strain into frosted glass. 5589 Long Island Iced Tea 5590% 559113. ... r-q1 5592% 559317. HO HUM -- The Redundant 5594 5595------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme 5596--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife 5597------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working 5598---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop 5599---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates 5600--- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. 5601 5602Nine in the second place means: 5603 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. 5604 5605Six in the third place means: 5606 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal 5607 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! 5608% 560917th Rule of Friendship: 5610 5611A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount 5612of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is 5613noncancellable. 5614 -- Esquire, May 1977 5615% 5616186,000 miles per second: 5617It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! 5618% 56191893 The ideal brain tonic 56201900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all 5621 soda fountains 56221905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent 56231905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain 56241906 The drink of QUALITY 56251907 Good to the last drop 56261907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate 56271907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea 56281908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate 56291917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola 56301919 It satisfies thirst 56311919 The taste is the test 56321922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst 56331922 Thirst knows no season 56341925 Enjoy the sociable drink 5635 -- Coca-Cola slogans 5636% 56371925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty 56381929 The high sign of refreshment 56391929 The pause that refreshes 56401930 It had to be good to get where it is 56411932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing 56421935 The pause that brings friends together 56431937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed 56441938 The best friend thirst ever had 56451939 Thirst stops here 56461942 It's the real thing 56471947 Have a Coke 56481961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING 56491963 Things go better with Coke 56501969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand 56511979 Have a Coke and a smile 56521982 Coke is it! 5653 -- Coca-Cola slogans 5654% 56551st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY! 5656 56572nd graffitiest: Why? 5658% 5659$3,000,000. 5660% 5661355/113 -- 5662 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation. 5663% 56643M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art 5665and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests 5666that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the 5667adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively 5668tacky" meant until I read today's fortune. 5669 5670 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.] 5671% 56723rd Law of Computing: 5673 Anything that can go wr 5674fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped 5675% 567640 isn't old. If you're a tree. 5677% 56784.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986 5679 5680You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a 5681575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien 5682tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the 5683575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The 5684Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the 5685130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He 5686has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until 5687Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark... 5688 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd 5689% 5690(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting 5691 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church. 5692(7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the 5693 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible 5694 and other good books. 5695(8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly 5696 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years, 5697 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters. 5698(9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink 5699 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets 5700 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect 5701 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty. 5702(10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and 5703 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of 5704 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the 5705 business permit it. 5706 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage 5707 Works, 1872 5708% 57096 oz. orange juice 57101 oz. vodka 57111/2 oz. Galliano 5712 Harvey Wallbangers 5713% 57147:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 5715 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 5716 Redwood Forest. 5717 57187:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 5719 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 5720 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 5721% 572290% of the work takes 90% of the time. 5723The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time. 5724% 572594% of the women in America are beautiful 5726and the rest hang out around here. 5727% 572899 blocks of crud on the disk, 572999 blocks of crud! 5730You patch a bug, and dump it again: 5731100 blocks of crud on the disk! 5732 5733100 blocks of crud on the disk, 5734100 blocks of crud! 5735You patch a bug, and dump it again: 5736101 blocks of crud on the disk! 5737% 5738A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor. 5739 -- B. Franklin 5740% 5741A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice 5742at one end and no responsibility at the other. 5743% 5744A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once. 5745% 5746A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy 5747who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. 5748 -- Don Quinn 5749% 5750A bachelor is an unaltared male. 5751% 5752A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty 5753and a boy for ever. 5754 -- Helen Rowland 5755% 5756A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot 5757the horse, but it don't fix the leg. 5758% 5759A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and 5760ask for it back the when it begins to rain. 5761 -- Robert Frost 5762% 5763A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the 5764sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 5765 -- Mark Twain 5766% 5767A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke. 5768 -- Kipling 5769% 5770A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad. 5771 -- Emerson 5772% 5773A beer delayed is a beer denied. 5774% 5775A beginning is the time for taking the 5776most delicate care that balances are correct. 5777 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib" 5778% 5779A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money. 5780 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget 5781% 5782A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president. 5783A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. 5784A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. 5785A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury. 5786% 5787A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on 5788a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their 5789jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. 5790 5791The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra! 5792 Fantastic! We'll be famous!" 5793The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know 5794 there's one white zebra." 5795The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is 5796 white on one side." 5797The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!" 5798% 5799A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. 5800 -- Cervantes 5801% 5802A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 5803% 5804A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. 5805% 5806A bit of talcum 5807Is always walcum 5808 -- Ogden Nash 5809% 5810A black cat crossing your path signifies 5811that the animal is going somewhere. 5812 -- Groucho Marx 5813% 5814A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems 5815best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to 5816serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the 5817schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to 5818work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if 5819not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent, 5820elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such 5821stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be 5822supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real 5823professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the 5824academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms, 5825and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating 5826resource centers along the roads. 5827 -- The Underground Grammarian 5828% 5829A bore is a man who talks so much about 5830himself that you can't talk about yourself. 5831% 5832A bore is someone who persists in holding his 5833own views after we have enlightened him with ours. 5834% 5835A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun. 5836% 5837A box without hinges, key, or lid, 5838Yet golden treasure inside is hid. 5839 -- J.R. Tolkien 5840% 5841A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance 5842of turning around three times before lying down. 5843 -- Robert Benchley 5844% 5845A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed. 5846 -- John Steinbeck 5847% 5848A budget is just a method of worrying 5849before you spend money, as well as afterward. 5850% 5851A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. 5852% 5853A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. 5854% 5855A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by 5856hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They 5857drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and 5858found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens 5859got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an 5860experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. 5861 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens 5862got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's 5863friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!" 5864 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple 5865pole in a complex plane." 5866% 5867A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon; 5868The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune; 5869Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew, 5870And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou. 5871 -- Robert W. Service 5872% 5873A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files 5874is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it. 5875% 5876A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator. 5877 -- Paul Valery 5878% 5879"A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQURI!!" 5880 -- Zippy the Pinhead 5881% 5882A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich 5883and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. 5884% 5885A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes 5886to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him 5887and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross 5888examine him about his recent diet. 5889 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be 5890the problem?" 5891 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be. 5892Tell me a bit about this missionary." 5893 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was 5894walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged 5895him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him." 5896 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles 5897the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!" 5898% 5899A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair. 5900% 5901A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island 5902on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed 5903and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms 5904with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days 5905until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief 5906and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the 5907spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks." 5908% 5909A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith 5910does not prove anything. 5911 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 5912% 5913A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. 5914% 5915A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. 5916Kites rise against the wind, not with it. 5917% 5918A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who 5919had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether 5920various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue 5921invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, 5922and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and 5923asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop 5924between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex 5925string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk 5926was enlightened. 5927 5928From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after 5929string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, 5930who passed it on to theirs. 5931% 5932A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some 5933time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One 5934evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through 5935the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when 5936the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too 5937much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot. 5938 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. 5939The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up 5940after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled 5941to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, 5942silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could 5943go on to the kitty afterworld complete. 5944 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know 5945the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM." 5946% 5947A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed 5948a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke 5949with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked 5950in as Mr. and Mrs. 5951 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front 5952desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed 5953a bill for $2500. 5954 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for 5955only three days." 5956 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month 5957and a half." 5958% 5959A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. 5960% 5961A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere 5962coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not 5963to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. 5964 -- Dave Barry 5965% 5966A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on 5967Saturday and is going to do on Monday. 5968 -- Thomas Ybarra 5969% 5970A chronic disposition to inquiry 5971deprives domestic felines of vital qualities. 5972% 5973A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit 5974will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. 5975% 5976A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but 5977won't cross the street to vote in a national election. 5978 -- Bill Vaughan 5979% 5980A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. 5981 -- Herbert Prochnow 5982% 5983A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity. 5984% 5985A classic is something that everyone wants to have read 5986and nobody wants to read. 5987 -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature" 5988% 5989A clever prophet makes sure of the event first. 5990% 5991A closed mouth gathers no foot. 5992% 5993A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such 5994a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the 5995sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will 5996know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons. 5997 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 5998% 5999A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 6000 60011. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. 6002 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose 6003 valuable scientific objectivity. 6004 60052. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. 6006 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the 6007 gentleness and reassurance he can get. 6008 60093. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. 6010 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. 6011% 6012A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 6013 60144. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. 6015 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into 6016 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent 6017 disability you may have experienced. 6018 60195. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. 6020 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be 6021 explained in terms that you would understand. 6022 60236. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMANTAL TREATMENT READILY. 6024 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting 6025 research paper will surely be of widespread interest. 6026% 6027A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 6028 60297. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. 6030 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, 6031 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. 6032 60338. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. 6034 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. 6035 60369. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE 6037 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. 6038 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a 6039 sacred duty to protect him from exposure. 6040 604110. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. 6042 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. 6043% 6044A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief 6045as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of 6046dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive. 6047 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy" 6048% 6049A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. 6050 -- Milton Berle 6051% 6052A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. 6053 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 6054% 6055A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, 6056scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom. 6057 -- Parkinson 6058% 6059A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth. 6060 -- R. Stallman 6061% 6062A company is known by the men it keeps. 6063% 6064A complex system that works is invariably 6065found to have evolved from a simple system that works. 6066% 6067A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil. 6068 -- Victor Hugo 6069% 6070[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. 6071 -- Joseph Campbell 6072% 6073A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, 6074with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla. 6075 -- Mitch Ratcliffe 6076% 6077A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling 6078the president one of the latest talking computers. 6079Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any quesstion 6080 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the 6081 speed of light?" 6082Computer: 186,000 miles per second. 6083Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?" 6084Computer: George Washington. 6085President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question. 6086 Where is my father?" 6087Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia. 6088President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty 6089 years ago!" 6090Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just 6091 landed a twelve pound bass. 6092% 6093A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. 6094% 6095A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate 6096cake without ketchup and mustard. 6097% 6098A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. 6099% 6100A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can 6101do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. 6102 -- Fred Allen 6103% 6104A CONS is an object which cares. 6105 -- Bernie Greenberg. 6106% 6107A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. 6108 -- Elbert Hubbard 6109% 6110A conservative is a man 6111who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. 6112 -- Alfred E. Wiggam 6113% 6114A conservative is a man 6115with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. 6116 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 6117% 6118A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. 6119% 6120A couch is as good as a chair. 6121% 6122A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. 6123 -- B. Franklin 6124% 6125A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the 6126beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, 6127one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods 6128like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game 6129Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with 6130his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the 6131Game Warden finally caught up to him. 6132 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The 6133man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing 6134license. 6135 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb 6136as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!" 6137 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back 6138there, he don't have one!" 6139% 6140A cousin of mine once said about money, 6141money is always there but the pockets change; 6142it is not in the same pockets after a change, 6143and that is all there is to say about money. 6144 -- Gertrude Stein 6145% 6146A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased 6147in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at 6148each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting 6149and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are 6150the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn. 6151 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as 6152well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion 6153houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four 6154fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network 6155of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant 6156complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main 6157ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of 6158this central section. 6159 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and 6160colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In 6161brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two 6162hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy. 6163% 6164A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste. 6165 -- Whitney Balliett 6166% 6167A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels 6168qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic 6169in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally. 6170% 6171A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. 6172 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 6173% 6174A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? 6175% 6176A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice. 6177% 6178A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant. 6179% 6180A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice. 6181% 6182A day without sunshine is like night. 6183% 6184A dead man cannot bite. 6185 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey) 6186% 6187A debugged program is one for which you have 6188not yet found the conditions that make it fail. 6189 -- Jerry Ogdin 6190% 6191A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their" 6192Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of 6193their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the 6194society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the 6195domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness 6196is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich. 6197 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83 6198% 6199A Difficulty for Every Solution. 6200 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service 6201% 6202A diplomat is a man who can convince his 6203wife she'd look stout in a fur coat. 6204% 6205A diplomat is a man who can tell you to 6206go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable. 6207 -- Samuel Clemens 6208% 6209A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell 6210in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. 6211 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red" 6212% 6213A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. 6214 -- Robert Frost 6215% 6216A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember 6217your birthday when you never look any older?" 6218% 6219A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol. 6220 -- Adlai Stevenson 6221% 6222A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman 6223inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest 6224of her life?" 6225 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before 6226the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my 6227condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'". 6228% 6229A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano. 6230% 6231A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have 6232some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is 6233that you only have six weeks to live." 6234 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than 6235that?" 6236 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since 6237last Monday." 6238% 6239A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested 6240waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The 6241lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional 6242courtesy," he explained. 6243% 6244A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. 6245 -- Ogden Nash 6246% 6247A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him 6248what he meant. 6249 -- Wilson Mizner 6250% 6251A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance. 6252 -- Stanislaw Lem 6253% 6254A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to 6255a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate 6256a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury 6257an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them." 6258% 6259A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 6260 -- Klipstein 6261% 6262A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. 6263% 6264A fair exterior is a silent recommendation. 6265 -- Publilius Syrus 6266% 6267A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer 6268should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around 6269she deserved. 6270 -- R.A. Heinlein 6271% 6272A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox 62731108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, 6274the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked 6275"what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a 6276cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of 6277the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head 6278with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. 6279% 6280A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. 6281 -- Winston Churchill 6282% 6283A farmer is a man outstanding in his field. 6284% 6285A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty 6286m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running 6287alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is 6288running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty 6289m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly 6290takes off and disappears into the distance. 6291 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know, 6292the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least 6293sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!" 6294 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's 6295me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for 6296dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens. 6297So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could 6298have a drumstick." 6299 "How do they taste?" said the farmer. 6300 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch 6301one yet." 6302% 6303A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase. 6304He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought 6305to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name 6306should be masculine or feminine. 6307 After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either 6308Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice. 6309 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of 6310them looked at him pecularly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and 6311went on their way rather quickly. 6312 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black 6313belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine." 6314 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he 6315asked. 6316 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were 6317masculine." 6318 "Unhhh... Well, why not?" 6319 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want 6320it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she 6321go!'" 6322 6323 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental 6324 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.] 6325% 6326A few hours grace before the madness begins again. 6327% 6328A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles. 6329% 6330A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat, 6331rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked 6332down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying 6333on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police 6334station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains, 6335drowned in the lake!" 6336 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal 6337more chain than he can swim with?" 6338% 6339A fitter fits; Though sinners sin 6340A cutter cuts; And thinners thin 6341And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot 6342A baby-sitter I've never yet 6343Baby-sits -- Had letters let 6344But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot. 6345 6346A batter bats 6347(Or scatters scats); 6348A potting shed's for potting; 6349But no one's found 6350A bounder bound 6351Or caught an otter otting. 6352 -- Ralph Lewin 6353% 6354A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood 6355waiting for a taxi. 6356 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west." 6357 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange." 6358% 6359A fool and his honey are soon parted. 6360% 6361A fool and his money are soon popular. 6362% 6363A fool and your money are soon partners. 6364% 6365A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity. 6366A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes. 6367% 6368A fool must now and then be right by chance. 6369% 6370A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. 6371 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 6372% 6373A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block 6374of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. 6375% 6376A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into 6377superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. 6378 -- G.B. Shaw 6379% 6380A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. 6381 -- D. Gries 6382% 6383A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis. 6384% 6385A fox is wolf who sends flowers. 6386 -- Ruth Weston 6387% 6388A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps. 6389 -- Robert Benchley 6390% 6391A friend in need is a pest indeed. 6392% 6393A friend is a present you give yourself. 6394 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 6395% 6396A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. 6397You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better. 6398 -- Steven Wright 6399% 6400A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates 6401lawyers more than he hates his wife. 6402% 6403A friend with weed is a friend indeed. 6404% 6405A full belly makes a dull brain. 6406 -- Ben Franklin 6407 6408 [and the local candy machine man. Ed] 6409% 6410A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other 6411people's demands. 6412% 6413A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! 6414% 6415A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet. 6416His next biggest thrill is losing a bet. 6417% 6418A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained 6419that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three 6420assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win. 6421They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they 6422each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with 6423the engineer: 6424 6425Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got? 6426Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle 6427 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide 6428 electrical shock to the horse. 6429G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist. 6430Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that disolves 6431 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore 6432 cannot be detected in post-race tests. 6433G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before 6434 I decide what to do. Physicist? 6435 6436Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion... 6437% 6438A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on. 6439 -- Evan Esar 6440 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.] 6441% 6442A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on. 6443 -- Fred Allen 6444% 6445A gift of a flower will soon be made to you. 6446% 6447A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely a coincidence. A girl and 6448a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another coincidence. But 6449when a girl gives a boy a dead squid, *that had to mean SOMETHING!* 6450% 6451A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. 6452A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. 6453But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *that had to mean something*. 6454 -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" 6455% 6456A girl with a future avoids the man with a past. 6457 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor" 6458% 6459A girl's best friend is her mutter. 6460 -- Dorothy Parker 6461% 6462A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong-- 6463it merely keeps her from enjoying it. 6464% 6465A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like 6466a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). 6467% 6468A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. 6469Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. 6470The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it 6471had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice 6472firm tuft of grass. 6473 -- Donald A. Metz 6474% 6475A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in 6476the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the 6477rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between 6478the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be 6479penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such 6480uncontrollable physical phenomena. 6481 -- Donald A. Metz 6482% 6483A good man always knows his limitations. 6484 -- Harry Callahan 6485% 6486A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband. 6487 -- Michel de Montaigne 6488% 6489A good memory does not equal pale ink. 6490% 6491A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, 6492all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever. 6493 -- J. Hawes 6494% 6495A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. 6496 -- Patton 6497% 6498A good reputation is more valuable than money. 6499 -- Publilius Syrus 6500% 6501A good scapegoat is hard to find. 6502% 6503A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine. 6504% 6505A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you 6506call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. 6507"That's dynamite, baby." 6508 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 6509% 6510A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to 6511you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to 6512you about yourself. 6513 -- Lisa Kirk 6514% 6515A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on 6516the table after you eat. 6517% 6518A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch. 6519 -- James Beard 6520% 6521A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough 6522to take it all away. 6523 -- Barry Goldwater 6524% 6525A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough 6526to take it all away. 6527 -- Barry Goldwater 6528% 6529A grammarian's life is always intense. 6530% 6531A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. 6532 -- B. Franklin 6533% 6534A great many people think they are thinking 6535when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. 6536 -- William James 6537% 6538A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The 6539green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that 6540grew in the ears themselvse, stuck out on either side like turn signals 6541indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the 6542bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled 6543with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor 6544of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down 6545upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department 6546store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several 6547of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be 6548properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of 6549anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and 6550geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul. 6551 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces" 6552% 6553A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals 6554are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for 6555not going to church on Sunday. 6556 -- Russell Baker 6557% 6558A guilty conscience is the mother of invention. 6559 -- Carolyn Wells 6560% 6561A guy has to get fresh once in a while 6562so a girl doesn't lose her confidence. 6563% 6564A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. 6565% 6566A halted retreat 6567Is nerve-wracking and dangerous. 6568To retain people as men -- and maidservants 6569Brings good fortune. 6570% 6571A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never. 6572% 6573A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold. 6574% 6575A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. 6576% 6577A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own 6578weight in other people's patience. 6579 -- John Updike 6580% 6581A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question: 6582 6583If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save 6584a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning 6585photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would 6586you use? 6587 6588 -- Paul Harvey 6589% 6590A Hen Brooding Kittens 6591 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county, 6592a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three 6593kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring 6594says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that 6595she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young 6596felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at 6597her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings. 6598 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861 6599% 6600A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity. 6601% 6602A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top 6603of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work. 6604 -- Adolf Hitler 6605% 6606A holding company is a thing where you hand 6607an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you. 6608% 6609A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone. 6610 "Hello?" his friend answers. 6611 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?" 6612 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay 6613for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the 6614studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television 6615series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit! 6616I'm doing *great*! How are you?" 6617 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves." 6618% 6619A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for? 6620% 6621"A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book 6622The Martian Chronicles?' I said, `Yes?' He said, `You know where you 6623talk about Deimos rising in the East?' I said, `Yes?' He said `No.' 6624-- So I hit him." 6625 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury 6626% 6627A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! 6628 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 6629% 6630A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong! 6631% 6632A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The 6633Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered. 6634 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901. 6635% 6636A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. 6637 -- Helen Rowland 6638% 6639A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't? 6640 -- Don Marquis 6641% 6642A hypothetical paradox: 6643 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, 6644who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial 6645Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? 6646 -- Tom Galloway 6647% 6648A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. 6649C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. 6650E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. 6651G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. 6652I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. 6653K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. 6654M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui. 6655O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl 6656Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. 6657S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. 6658U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. 6659W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice. 6660Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. 6661 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines" 6662% 6663A is for Apple. 6664 -- Hester Pryne 6665% 6666A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and 6667B is for biff, which reads all your mail. 6668C is for cc, as hackers recall, while 6669D is for dd, the command that does all. 6670E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and 6671F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees. 6672G is for grep, a clever detective, while 6673H is for halt, which may seem defective. 6674I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and 6675J is for join, which nobody uses. 6676K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while 6677L is for lex, which is missing from DOS. 6678M is for more, from which less was begot, and 6679N is for nice, which it really is not. 6680O is for od, which prints out things nice, while 6681P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice. 6682Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and 6683R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table. 6684S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while 6685T is for true, which does very little. 6686U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and 6687V is for vi, which is hard to abort. 6688W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while 6689X is, well, X, of dubious fame. 6690Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and 6691Z is for zcat, which handles compression. 6692 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX 6693% 6694A joint is just tea for two. 6695% 6696A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam. 6697% 6698A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. 6699 -- Lao Tsu 6700% 6701A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet. 6702 -- Lao Tsu 6703% 6704A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it; 6705Earthen vessels 6706Simply handed in through the window. 6707There is certainly no blame in this. 6708% 6709A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. 6710 -- Robert Frost 6711% 6712A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a 6713good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs. 6714% 6715A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually. 6716% 6717A kind of Batman of contemporary letters. 6718 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess 6719% 6720A king's castle is his home. 6721% 6722A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, 6723for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when 6724words are superfluous. 6725% 6726A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 6727% 6728A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. 6729 -- Lillian Day 6730% 6731A lady with one of her ears applied 6732To an open keyhole heard, inside, 6733Two female gossips in converse free -- 6734The subject engaging them was she. 6735"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks 6736That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" 6737As soon as no more of it she could hear 6738The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 6739"I will not stay," she said with a pout, 6740"To hear my character lied about!" 6741 -- Gopete Sherany 6742% 6743A language that doesn't affect the way you 6744think about programming is not worth knowing. 6745% 6746A language that doesn't have everything is 6747actually easier to program in than some that do. 6748 -- D.M. Ritchie 6749% 6750A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in 6751the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days 6752and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state 6753line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How 6754do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan. 6755 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered, 6756there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of 6757110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and 6758third, make love to an Eskimo woman." 6759 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of 6760this here corn liquor?" 6761 "Got one right here," replied the guard. 6762 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash. 6763"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?" 6764 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout 6765a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff." 6766 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned 6767with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was 6768smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you 6769want killed?" 6770% 6771A large number of installed systems work by fiat. 6772That is, they work by being declared to work. 6773 -- Anatol Holt 6774% 6775A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies. 6776Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured 6777him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and 6778quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around 6779above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said, 6780"Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light 6781where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house." 6782So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other 6783flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said, 6784"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be 6785silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck 6786to the flypaper with all the other flies. 6787 6788Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. 6789 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly" 6790% 6791A Law of Computer Programming: 6792 Make it possible for programmers to write in English 6793 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English. 6794% 6795A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. 6796 -- Robert Frost 6797% 6798A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. 6799 -- Willis Player 6800% 6801A liberal is someone too poor to be a 6802capitalist, and too rich to be a communist. 6803% 6804A lie in time saves nine. 6805% 6806A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of 6807trouble. 6808 -- Adlai Stevenson 6809% 6810A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent. 6811% 6812A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about. 6813% 6814A light wife doth make a heavy husband. 6815 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 6816% 6817A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. 6818 -- Aristotle 6819% 6820A LISP programmer knows the value of 6821everything, but the cost of nothing. 6822 -- Alan Perlis 6823% 6824A list is only as strong as its weakest link. 6825 -- Don Knuth 6826% 6827A little experience often upsets a lot of theory. 6828% 6829A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. 6830 -- C.E. Ayres 6831% 6832A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. 6833 -- H.H. Munro, "Saki" 6834% 6835A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad 6836right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you 6837know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the 6838little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good, 6839then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?" 6840% 6841A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems 6842have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, 6843those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are 6844the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, 6845APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them 6846with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS. 6847 -- Fred Brooks 6848% 6849A little word of doubtful number, 6850A foe to rest and peaceful slumber. 6851If you add an "s" to this, 6852Great is the metamorphosis. 6853Plural is plural now no more, 6854And sweet what bitter was before. 6855What am I? 6856% 6857A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile. 6858% 6859A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. 6860% 6861A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. 6862Buy the negatives at any price. 6863% 6864A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. 6865% 6866A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. 6867 -- Steve Wright 6868% 6869A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, 6870and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. 6871 -- Lew Col 6872% 6873A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all. 6874 -- Thomas Hardy 6875% 6876A major, with wonderful force, 6877Called out in Hyde Park for a horse. 6878 All the flowers looked round, 6879 But no horse could be found; 6880So he just rhododendron, of course. 6881% 6882A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. 6883 -- Carrie Snow 6884% 6885A man always needs to remember one thing about 6886a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her. 6887% 6888A man always remembers his first love with special 6889tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them. 6890 -- Mencken 6891% 6892A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend, 6893who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the 6894lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win, 6895you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see 6896her again. Okay?" 6897 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point 6898on the side to make it interesting?" 6899% 6900A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After 6901that it's cheating. 6902 -- Yves Montand 6903% 6904A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen 6905or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. 6906 -- Joan Rivers 6907% 6908A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. 6909 -- Du Bois 6910% 6911A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it. 6912By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he 6913was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out, 6914 "Is anybody there?" 6915A deep majestic voice answered, 6916 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?" 6917 "Help me!!" cried the man. 6918 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and 6919you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust." 6920The man thought for a moment and cried out: 6921 "Anybody ELSE up there?" 6922% 6923A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles 6924in the road. 6925 -- Alexander Smith 6926% 6927A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting 6928next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm* 6929Polish." 6930 He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother." 6931Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room. 6932 "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl 6933with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with 6934the joke. 6935 "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?" 6936 "Nah," says the man. 6937 "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish 6938man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?" 6939 "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it 6940five times." 6941% 6942A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. 6943 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek" 6944% 6945A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. 6946 -- Brendan Francis 6947% 6948A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another 6949man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man 6950whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give... 6951water..." 6952 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water 6953with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie." 6954 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*." 6955 "They're only four dollars apiece." 6956 "I need *water*." 6957 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars." 6958 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man. 6959 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, 6960and he heads off into the distance. 6961 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days. 6962Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he 6963sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he 6964staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter. 6965 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer. 6966 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required." 6967% 6968A man is known by the company he organizes. 6969 -- A. Bierce 6970% 6971A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart, 6972He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart. 6973 -- Richard Thompson 6974% 6975A man is only as old as the woman he feels. 6976 -- Groucho Marx 6977% 6978A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the 6979longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, 6980followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred 6981other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity 6982no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners. 6983 "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, 6984but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is 6985the funeral for?" 6986 "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother- 6987in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman 6988attacked and killed her." 6989 "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you 6990don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?" 6991 "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line." 6992% 6993A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and 6994antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not 6995from around here, are you?" 6996 "No," replies the man with the antennae. 6997 "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American, 6998either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!" 6999 "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars." 7000 "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got 7001there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything." 7002 "We Martians all have four arms and antennae." 7003 "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that 7004big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all 7005Martians have that?" 7006 "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*." 7007% 7008A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be 7009bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. 7010 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" 7011% 7012A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything. 7013 -- Samuel Johnson 7014% 7015A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled, 7016but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim. 7017% 7018A man may well bring a horse to the water, 7019but he cannot make him drink with he will. 7020 -- John Heywood 7021% 7022A man of genius makes no mistakes. 7023His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. 7024 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" 7025% 7026A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. 7027% 7028A man said to the Universe: 7029 "Sir, I exist!" 7030 "However," replied the Universe, 7031 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." 7032 -- Stephen Crane 7033% 7034A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her 7035some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before 7036he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who 7037might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told 7038her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to 7039her aid. 7040 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly 7041by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing 7042in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel. 7043 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset. 7044 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I 7045just want to get my saddle back!" 7046% 7047A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions 7048he is able to answer. 7049 -- Ronald Colman 7050% 7051A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a 7052late card games. 7053 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife," 7054he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast 7055into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and 7056tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always 7057wakes up and gives me hell." 7058 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied. 7059 "You do?" 7060 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights, 7061stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say. 7062`How about a little smooch for your old man?'" 7063 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief. 7064 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends 7065she's asleep." 7066% 7067A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly, 7068 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee, 7069why did you Di......eeee" 7070The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely, 7071 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now, 7072carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased." 7073 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee, 7074why....eeeee did you.." 7075 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so? 7076Tell, me who is buried here?" 7077 "My wife's first husband." 7078% 7079A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either. 7080 -- Soren Kierkegaard 7081% 7082A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn 7083in no other way. 7084% 7085A man who fishes for marlin in ponds 7086will put his money in Etruscan bonds. 7087% 7088A man who likes to lie in bed can usually 7089find a girl willing to listen to him. 7090% 7091A man who turns green has eschewed protein. 7092% 7093A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey. 7094% 7095A man with one watch knows what time it is. 7096A man with two watches is never quite sure. 7097% 7098A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. 7099% 7100A man without a woman is like a fish without gills. 7101% 7102A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons. 7103% 7104A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create 7105destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in 7106turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man 7107would deliberately go mad to prove his point. 7108 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground" 7109% 7110A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. 7111% 7112A man's best friend is his dogma. 7113% 7114A man's gotta know his limitations. 7115 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry" 7116% 7117A man's house is his castle. 7118 -- Sir Edward Coke 7119% 7120A man's house is his hassle. 7121% 7122A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk. 7123 "It is right before your eyes," said the master. 7124 "Why do I not see it for myself?" 7125 "Because you are thinking of yourself." 7126 "What about you: do you see it?" 7127 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so 7128on, your eyes are clouded," said the master. 7129 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?" 7130 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', 7131who is the one that wants to see it?" 7132% 7133A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and 7134observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As 7135they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump. 7136 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may 7137yet save her!!" 7138 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my 7139understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water 7140from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and 71416 feet high." 7142 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle." 7143% 7144A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. 7145 -- P. Erdos 7146% 7147A meeting is an event at which the 7148minutes are kept and the hours are lost. 7149% 7150A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, 7151but to protect the writer. 7152 -- Dean Acheson 7153% 7154A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start, 7155and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim. 7156 -- Leibnitz 7157% 7158A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed 7159on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new 7160game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the 7161pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly 7162along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their 7163heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn 7164around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite 7165direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the 7166paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin 7167colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins 7168fall over gently onto their backs. 7169 -- Audobon Society Magazine 7170% 7171A mighty creature is the germ, 7172Though smaller than the pachyderm. 7173His customary dwelling place 7174Is deep within the human race. 7175His childish pride he often pleases 7176By giving people strange diseases. 7177Do you, my poppet, feel infirm? 7178You probably contain a germ. 7179 -- Ogden Nash 7180% 7181A mind is a wonderful thing to waste. 7182% 7183A modem is a baudy house. 7184% 7185A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, 7186is the most tremendous object in the whole creation. 7187 -- Goldsmith 7188% 7189A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good 7190many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and 7191the police. 7192 -- Mr. Dooley 7193% 7194A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen 7195floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for 7196its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered, 7197terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother! 7198Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!" 7199 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its 7200children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them, 7201and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman 7202proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life. 7203 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother, 7204you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them 7205purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second 7206language?" 7207% 7208A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, 7209and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. 7210 -- Frost 7211% 7212A motion to adjourn is always in order. 7213% 7214A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. 7215% 7216A mushroom cloud has no silver lining. 7217% 7218A musician, an artist, an architect: 7219 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian. 7220 -- William Blake 7221% 7222A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes. 7223 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy" 7224% 7225A narcissist is anyone better-looking than you. 7226 -- Gore Vidal 7227% 7228A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. 7229 -- Gore Vidal 7230% 7231A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you. 7232% 7233A national debt, if it is not excessive, 7234will be to us a national blessing. 7235 -- Alexander Hamilton 7236% 7237A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on 7238loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside 7239the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe," 7240asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" 7241% 7242A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon 7243discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet, 7244still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the 7245same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at 72463,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?" 7247 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING 7248ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?" 7249% 7250A new koan: 7251 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. 7252 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. 7253It is an ice cream koan. 7254% 7255A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. 7256Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit' 7257now has no excuse for further procrastination. 7258% 7259A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time 7260had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had 7261come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to 7262catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust 7263the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to 7264it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept 7265in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers. 7266 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" 7267% 7268A New Way of Taking Pills 7269 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and 7270having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with 7271small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks 7272will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment. 7273 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861 7274% 7275A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he 7276on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges 7277over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom. 7278As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet 7279from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength. 7280"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin' 7281you now: Save me, Lord, save me." 7282 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 7283 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!" 7284 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 7285 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..." 7286 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 7287 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls 7288to his death. 7289 "DUMB YANKEE." 7290% 7291A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered 7292by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned 7293out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained 7294that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused 7295himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped 7296the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?" 7297 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the 7298onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?" 7299 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a 7300gallon or two." 7301% 7302A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure. 7303 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer 7304% 7305A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. 7306 -- Yogi Berra 7307% 7308A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be 7309passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency. 7310 -- J.K. Galbraith 7311% 7312A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. 7313 -- Phyllis Schlafly 7314% 7315A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, 7316documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him 7317one of the bests programmer in the world. Why is this?" 7318 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has 7319gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system 7320crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the 7321need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. 7322He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect 7323within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, 7324he has entered the mystery of Tao." 7325% 7326A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question. 7327 7328"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked. 7329 7330The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be 7331relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes 7332before replying. 7333 7334"I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else." 7335 7336With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved 7337enlightenment, several years later. 7338 7339Commentary: 7340 7341His Master is kind, 7342Answering his FAQ quickly, 7343With thought and sarcasm. 7344% 7345A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. 7346% 7347A pain in the ass of major dimensions. 7348 -- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits 7349% 7350A Parable of Modern Research: 7351 7352 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one 7353brightly lit corner. 7354 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!" 7355 "I can only see here." 7356% 7357A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on. 7358 -- William S. Burroughs 7359% 7360A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. 7361% 7362A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. 7363 -- Gloria Steinem 7364% 7365A pencil with no point needs no eraser. 7366% 7367"A penny for your thoughts?" 7368"A dollar for your death." 7369 -- The Odd Couple 7370% 7371A penny saved has not been spent. 7372% 7373A penny saved is a penny taxed. 7374% 7375A penny saved is ridiculous. 7376% 7377A penny saved kills your career in government. 7378% 7379A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to 7380govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures 7381on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins 7382itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and 7383manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain. 7384 -- Anatole France 7385% 7386A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages, 7387who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never 7388speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of 7389unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be! 7390 -- Thackeray 7391% 7392A person forgives only when they are in the wrong. 7393% 7394A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry. 7395% 7396A person who has both feet planted firmly 7397in the air can be safely called a liberal. 7398% 7399A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something. 7400A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest. 7401% 7402A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well 7403schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer. 7404 -- Donald Knuth 7405% 7406A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. 7407 -- Elbert Hubbard 7408% 7409A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms. 7410 -- George Wald 7411% 7412A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men 7413gets out and goes into the office. 7414 "I need some four-by-two's," he says. 7415 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk. 7416 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go 7417check." 7418 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the 7419truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be 7420acceptable. 7421 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?" 7422 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go 7423check," he says. 7424 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated 7425conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, 7426"we're building a house". 7427% 7428A pig is a jolly companion, 7429Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- 7430A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 7431Though mountains may topple and tilt. 7432When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, 7433When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, 7434Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, 7435You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, 7436You'll never go wrong with a pig! 7437 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 7438% 7439A pipe gives a wise man time to think 7440and a fool something to stick in his mouth. 7441% 7442A place for everything and everything in its place. 7443 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management" 7444 7445 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 7446 referring to memory management system services.] 7447% 7448A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it. 7449 -- Stanley Baldwin 7450% 7451A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques 7452contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain 7453edible nutriments. 7454% 7455A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. 7456% 7457A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. 7458% 7459A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard 7460about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his 7461money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the 7462finance ministry, sir," the teller replies. 7463 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks. 7464 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class," 7465the teller says. 7466 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks. 7467 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come 7468to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation. 7469 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks. 7470 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy 7471paycheck?" 7472 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984 7473% 7474A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, 7475but he has no means to realize it other than through violence. 7476 -- Jean Paul Sartre 7477% 7478A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest. 7479 -- Walt Kelly 7480% 7481A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea. 7482% 7483A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. 7484Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. 7485But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest. 7486 -- Lazarus Long 7487% 7488A prediction is worth twenty explanations. 7489 -- K. Brecher 7490% 7491A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your 7492last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something 7493of yours to press against my heart. 7494 -- Goethe 7495% 7496A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. 7497% 7498A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. 7499Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies." 7500% 7501A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? 7502 7503 And the Master answered: 7504 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. 7505It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. 7506 7507 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City 7508to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns 7509have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. 7510 7511 And that is Fate? said the priest. 7512 7513 Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. 7514 7515 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know 7516what Freight was too. 7517 -- Kehlog Albran 7518% 7519A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions. 7520 -- George Eliot 7521% 7522A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then 7523asks you not to kill him. 7524 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952 7525% 7526A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency. 7527 -- Miguel de Cervantes 7528% 7529A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 7530% 7531A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of 7532being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of 7533incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague 7534assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents 7535and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of 7536dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of 7537annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was 7538unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. 7539 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine 7540% 7541A programming language is low level 7542when its programs require attention to the irrelevant. 7543% 7544A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to 7545drink with -- even if he drank. 7546 -- Mencken 7547% 7548A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a 7549watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he 7550looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his 7551tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were 7552they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led 7553by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged, 7554killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting 7555could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle 7556emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of 7557the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions." 7558% 7559A promiscuous person is usually someone who is 7560getting more sex than you are. 7561 -- Victor Lownes 7562% 7563A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female 7564by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness. 7565 -- Aristotle 7566% 7567A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions 7568your wife asks you for nothing. 7569 -- Joey Adams 7570% 7571A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that 7572your wife will give you for free. 7573% 7574A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as 7575"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if 7576the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants 7577to make a travesty of the game. 7578 -- Donald A. Metz 7579% 7580A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans 7581over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" 7582 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a 7583Bishop." 7584 "Well, could you get any higher than that?" 7585 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I 7586might be made an Archbishop." 7587 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" 7588 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal." 7589 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" 7590 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could 7591be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will." 7592 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go 7593up from being the Pope?" 7594 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" 7595 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it." 7596% 7597A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results 7598blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. 7599 -- Steel City News 7600% 7601A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the 7602entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family. 7603 -- Saul Alinsky 7604% 7605A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having 7606his neighbour notice it. 7607 -- Trygve Lie 7608% 7609A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale, 7610commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked. 7611 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it 7612the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of 7613field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living 7614room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling 7615beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way." 7616 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer 7617looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too 7618obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe." 7619% 7620A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away. 7621A real friend is someone you can use over and over again. 7622% 7623A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to. 7624 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture. 7625% 7626A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking 7627ticket and rejoices that the system works. 7628% 7629A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen 7630objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer 7631scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration 7632needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects. 7633% 7634A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other 7635people what to do with their money. 7636 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones) 7637% 7638A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. 7639 -- Ramsey Clark 7640% 7641A robin redbreast in a cage 7642Puts all Heaven in a rage. 7643 -- Blake 7644% 7645A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single 7646man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. 7647 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 7648% 7649A rolling disk gathers no MOS. 7650% 7651A rolling stone gathers momentum. 7652% 7653A rolling stone gathers no moss. 7654 -- Publilius Syrus 7655% 7656A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who 7657demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?" 7658holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made. 7659Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me. 7660 -- Plutarch 7661% 7662A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It 7663weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a 7664banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey. 7665The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as 7666the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces) 7667is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the 7668monkey and its mother is thirdy years. One half of the weight of the monkey, 7669plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the 7670weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as 7671the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she 7672she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother 7673will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice 7674as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it 7675was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was 7676when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana? 7677% 7678A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of 7679PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs, 7680Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's 7681with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to 7682joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its 7683drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked 7684up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very 7685good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not 7686true. I'm very good in beds as well." 7687% 7688A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. 7689If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space. 7690 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars 7691% 7692A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule. 7693% 7694A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed. 7695Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid. 7696 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" 7697 7698I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter. 7699 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind 7700 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down 7701 on Broadway". 7702% 7703A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper 7704vocation?" 7705 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of 7706their minds. Others must use thier strong backs, legs and hands. This is 7707the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily, 7708such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for 7709their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of 7710the vocation must fit the individual. 7711 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the 7712scholer sobbed. 7713 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?" 7714% 7715A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and 7716making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually 7717die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it. 7718 -- Max Planck 7719% 7720A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from 7721the vexation of thinking. 7722 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831 7723% 7724A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness 7725of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving 7726water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in conciousness 7727of this necessary reorganization of our lives. 7728 7729It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the 7730recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the 7731ground. 7732 -- J.W.N. Sullivan 7733% 7734A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep 7735him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are 7736worth committing. 7737 -- Samuel Butler 7738% 7739A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself. 7740 -- Don Marquis 7741% 7742A Severe Strain on the Credulity 7743 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the 7744highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket 7745is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the 7746multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt... 7747for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its 7748flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the 7749charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in 7750Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not 7751know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something 7752better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to 7753lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. 7754 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 7755% 7756A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist 7757thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the 7758problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male 7759aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy 7760away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's 7761participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility 7762will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to 7763men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to 7764idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by 7765the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own 7766submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to 7767is to substitute moral outrage for analysis. 7768 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love" 7769% 7770A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 7771% 7772A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard. 7773 -- Prof. Steiner 7774% 7775A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. 7776 -- Joseph Stalin 7777% 7778A single flow'r he sent me, since we met. 7779All tenderly his messenger he chose; 7780Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet-- 7781One perfect rose. 7782 7783I knew the language of the floweret; 7784"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose." 7785Love long has taken for his amulet 7786One perfect rose. 7787 7788Why is it no one ever sent me yet 7789One perfect limousine, do you suppose? 7790Ah no, it's always just my luck to get 7791One perfect rose. 7792 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose" 7793% 7794A sinking ship gathers no moss. 7795 -- Donald Kaul 7796% 7797A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two. 7798% 7799A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. 7800% 7801A snake lurks in the grass. 7802 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 7803% 7804A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North 7805African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking. 7806Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier. 7807% 7808A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, 7809the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society 7810which is on its way out. 7811 -- L. Ron Hubbard 7812% 7813A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. 7814 -- Proverbs 15:1 7815% 7816A soft drink turneth away company. 7817% 7818A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg 7819that looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 7820 -- Mark Twain 7821% 7822A song in time is worth a dime. 7823% 7824A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the 7825family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks 7826when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem, 7827and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks: 7828 "How are you?" they ask. 7829 "Oh, I'm fine," he says. 7830 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?" 7831 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here 7832that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause 7833he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand 7834dollars." 7835 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary 7836Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue 7837at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure 7838enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is 7839"Where's Old Blue?" 7840 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was 7841talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue, 7842well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her 7843that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these 7844years?'" 7845 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?" 7846% 7847A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny. 7848% 7849A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years. 7850 -- Harry S. Truman 7851% 7852A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high 7853probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that 7854the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. 7855Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him. 7856% 7857A stitch in time saves nine. 7858% 7859"...A strange enigma is man!" 7860"Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested. 7861 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked 7862that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he 7863becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what 7864any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number 7865will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says 7866the statistician." 7867 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" 7868% 7869A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 7870% 7871A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 7872 -- O'Henry 7873% 7874A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt. 7875As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the 7876student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before 7877the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit 7878the student with a stick. 7879% 7880A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. 7881% 7882A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows. 7883% 7884A successful tool is one that was used to do something 7885undreamed of by its author. 7886 -- S.C. Johnson 7887% 7888A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first 7889thought of. 7890 -- Burt Bacharach 7891% 7892A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) 7893 -- by Charles Dickens 7894 7895 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place. 7896 7897The Metamorphosis LITE(tm) 7898 -- by Franz Kafka 7899 7900 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed. 7901 7902Lord of the Rings LITE(tm) 7903 -- by J.R.R. Tolkien 7904 7905 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano. 7906 7907Hamlet LITE(tm) 7908 -- by Wm. Shakespeare 7909 7910 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy 7911 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age. 7912% 7913A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) 7914 -- by Charles Dickens 7915 7916 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just 7917 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean 7918 lady who knits. 7919 7920Crime and Punishment LITE(tm) 7921 -- by Fyodor Dostoevski 7922 7923 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later 7924 feels guilty and apologizes. 7925 7926The Odyssey LITE(tm) 7927 -- by Homer 7928 7929 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home. 7930% 7931A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you. 7932% 7933A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. 7934 -- Michael Winner, British film director 7935% 7936A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes 7937of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around 7938*Boston*." 7939 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian. 7940 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for 7941help?" 7942% 7943A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. 7944 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H." 7945% 7946A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything 7947but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. 7948 -- Ambrose Bierce 7949% 7950A transistor protected by a fast-acting 7951fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. 7952% 7953A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three 7954wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels. 7955Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer 7956sitting in the yard watching the pig. 7957 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. 7958 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter 7959was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that 7960pig swam out and dragged her back to shore." 7961 "Amazing!" the salesman exlaimed. 7962 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on 7963the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did. 7964That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me. 7965Saved my life." 7966 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has 7967three wooden legs?" 7968 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you 7969got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once." 7970% 7971A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother 7972drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art. 7973 -- Shaw 7974% 7975A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 7976% 7977A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 7978% 7979A truth that's told with bad intent 7980Beats all the lies you can invent. 7981 -- William Blake 7982% 7983A university is what a college becomes 7984when the faculty loses interest in students. 7985 -- John Ciardi 7986% 7987A vacuum is a hell of a lot better 7988than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. 7989 -- Tenessee Williams 7990% 7991A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. 7992 -- Samuel Goldwyn 7993% 7994A violent man will die a violent death. 7995 -- Lao Tsu 7996% 7997A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work. 7998% 7999A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work. 8000% 8001A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. 8002% 8003A waist is a terrible thing to mind. 8004 -- Ziggy 8005% 8006A watched clock never boils. 8007% 8008A well adjusted person is one who makes 8009the same mistake twice without getting nervous. 8010% 8011A well-known friend is a treasure. 8012% 8013A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges. 8014A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant. 8015Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum. 8016Software rots if not used. 8017 8018These are great mysteries. 8019 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 8020% 8021A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age. 8022 -- Addison 8023% 8024A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there 8025*for the rest of your life*. 8026 -- Jim Samuels 8027% 8028A wise man can see more from a mountain top 8029than a fool can from the bottom of a well. 8030% 8031A wise man can see more from the bottom 8032of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. 8033% 8034A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. 8035 -- Chinese proverb 8036% 8037A witty saying proves nothing. 8038 -- Voltaire 8039% 8040"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are recticent to admit, 8041let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that 8042there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, 8043completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of 8044beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. 8045It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club 8046near your person at all times." 8047 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII 8048% 8049A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit, 8050let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that 8051there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, 8052completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of 8053beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. 8054It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club 8055near your person at all times. 8056 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII 8057% 8058A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it 8059were quite a struggle. 8060 -- Edna Ferber 8061% 8062A woman can never be too rich or too thin. 8063% 8064A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how. 8065To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable. 8066 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed" 8067% 8068A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed. 8069 -- Scott 8070% 8071A woman, especially if she have the misfortune 8072of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. 8073 -- Jane Austen 8074% 8075A woman forgives the audacity of which 8076her beauty has prompted us to be guilty. 8077 -- LeSage 8078% 8079A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be 8080thankful for a good one. 8081 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings 8082% 8083A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, 8084she follows. 8085 -- Chamfort 8086% 8087A woman is like your shadow; follow her, 8088she flies; fly from her, she follows. 8089 -- Chamfort 8090% 8091A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, 8092it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. 8093 -- Nietzsche 8094% 8095A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to 8096endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. 8097 -- Nietzsche 8098% 8099A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet, 8100and stupid. 8101 -- Adolf Hitler 8102% 8103A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive 8104little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid. 8105 -- Adolf Hitler 8106% 8107A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times 8108over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of 8109pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door. 8110 -- Stendhal 8111% 8112A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither 8113physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even 8114when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting." 8115 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925 8116% 8117A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume. 8118 -- Maurine Lewis 8119% 8120A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor 8121came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you." 8122 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked. 8123 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son 8124(we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head." 8125 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no 8126one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of 8127a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under 8128the circumstances. 8129 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a 8130phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected 8131an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto 8132his head!" 8133 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung 8134up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful* 8135surprise for you!" 8136 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!" 8137% 8138A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 8139 -- Gloria Steinem 8140% 8141A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 8142Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish. 8143% 8144A woman's best protection is a little money of her own. 8145 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women" 8146% 8147A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate. 8148% 8149A word to the wise is enough. 8150 -- Miguel de Cervantes 8151% 8152A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing 8153that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker 8154watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm 8155myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself 8156and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?" 8157"To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process 8158to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed. 8159% 8160A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call 8161what he writes fiction. 8162 -- William Faulkner 8163% 8164A yawn is a silent shout. 8165 -- G.K. Chesterton 8166% 8167A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. 8168% 8169A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new 8170bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk." 8171 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860 8172% 8173A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted 8174a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to 8175have that!" she gushed. 8176 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the 8177window and grabbing the ring. 8178 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What 8179I'd give to own that," she said, sighing. 8180 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing 8181the coat. 8182 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do 8183anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said. 8184 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?" 8185% 8186A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and 8187walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous 8188woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and 8189says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll 8190allow me, I'd like to buy it for you." 8191 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some 8192pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story. 8193 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?" 8194 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that 8195I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it." 8196 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures, 8197calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks 8198at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I 8199can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?" 8200 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out 8201of the store with the woman following him in a daze. 8202 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter. 8203The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell 8204you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds." 8205 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a 8206terrific weekend." 8207% 8208A young man wrote to Mozart and said: 8209 8210Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any 8211 suggestions as to how to get started?" 8212A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with 8213 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony." 8214Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old." 8215A: "But I never asked anybody how." 8216% 8217A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive. 8218% 8219AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! 8220You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! 8221% 8222Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. 8223% 8224Abbott's Admonitions: 8225 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know. 8226 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked 8227 the question. 8228 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia 8229% 8230Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went 8231on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close. 8232% 8233Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!) 8234Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace, 8235And saw, within the moonlight in his room, 8236Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom, 8237An angel writing in a book of gold. 8238Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold, 8239And to the presence in the room he said, 8240"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head, 8241And with a look made of all sweet accord, 8242Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord." 8243"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so," 8244Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low, 8245But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then, 8246Write me as one that loves his fellow-men." 8247The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night 8248It came again with a great wakening light, 8249And showed the names whom love of God had blessed, 8250And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest. 8251 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem" 8252% 8253About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard. 8254% 8255About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. 8256% 8257About the only thing we have left that actually 8258discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork. 8259% 8260About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. 8261 -- Herbert Hoover 8262% 8263About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt 8264ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead. 8265 -- Edsger Dijkstra 8266% 8267Above all else - sky. 8268% 8269Above all things, reverence yourself. 8270% 8271Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C. 8272% 8273ABSCOND: 8274 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside 8275 of a dying relative and miss the return train. 8276% 8277abscond, v: 8278 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative 8279 and miss the return train. 8280% 8281Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases 8282great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires. 8283 -- La Rochefoucauld 8284% 8285Absence in love is like water upon fire; 8286a little quickens, but much extinguishes it. 8287 -- Hannah More 8288% 8289Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, 8290it enkindles the great. 8291% 8292Absence makes the heart forget. 8293% 8294Absence makes the heart go wander. 8295% 8296Absence makes the heart grow fonder. 8297 -- Sextus Aurelius 8298% 8299Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else. 8300% 8301Absence makes the heart grow frantic. 8302% 8303ABSENT: 8304 Exposed to the attacks of friends and 8305 acquaintances; defamed; slandered. 8306% 8307ABSENTEE: 8308 A person with an income who has had the forethought 8309 to remove themselves from the sphere of exaction. 8310% 8311Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. 8312% 8313Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.) 8314 -- Stafford Beer 8315% 8316ABSTAINER: 8317 A weak person who yields to the 8318 temptation of denying himself a pleasure. 8319% 8320Abstract: 8321 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group 8322of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar 8323and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar 8324men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than 8325their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was 8326evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF 8327test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual 8328performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve 8329immediately when tight neckwear was removed. 8330 -- Langan, L.M. and Watkins, S.M. "Pressure of Menswear on the 8331 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29, 8332 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71. 8333% 8334ABSURDITY: 8335 A statement or belief manifestly 8336 inconsistent with one's own opinion. 8337% 8338Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, 8339because the stakes are so low. 8340 -- Wallace Sayre 8341% 8342Academicians care, that's who. 8343% 8344ACADEMY: 8345 A modern school where football is taught. 8346INSTITUTE: 8347 An archaic school where football is not taught. 8348% 8349Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat. 8350% 8351Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable. 8352% 8353ACCEPTANCE TESTING: 8354 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs. 8355% 8356Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western 8357religion. Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic 8358of Western science. 8359 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" 8360% 8361Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western 8362religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of 8363Western science. 8364 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" 8365% 8366Accident: 8367 A condition in which presence of mind is good, 8368 but absence of body is better. 8369 -- Foolish Dictionary 8370% 8371Accidentally Shot 8372 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago, 8373in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to 8374bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the 8375Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead. 8376 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861 8377% 8378Accidents cause History. 8379 8380If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the 8381Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not 8382have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil 8383could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and 8384the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. 8385 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 8386% 8387According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something 8388everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the 8389national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in 8390smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and 8391most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly 8392that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for 8393Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around 8394parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox 8395decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have 8396a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly 8397sheepish grin" comes from. 8398% 8399According to all the latest reports, 8400there was no truth in any of the earlier reports. 8401% 8402According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person 8403shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than 8404fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening 8405of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of 8406the returns." 8407% 8408According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold, 8409and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms 8410and a void. 8411 -- Democritus, 400 B.C. 8412% 8413According to my best recollection, I don't remember. 8414 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo 8415% 8416According to the latest official figures, 841743% of all statistics are totally worthless. 8418% 8419According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in 8420America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. 8421Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could 8422beat up their city anytime. 8423 -- David Letterman 8424% 8425According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in 8426America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. 8427Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could 8428beat up their city anytime. 8429 -- David Letterman 8430% 8431ACCORDION: 8432 A bagpipe with pleats. 8433% 8434ACCURACY: 8435 The vice of being right. 8436% 8437Acid -- better living through chemistry. 8438% 8439Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality. 8440% 8441Acquaintance, n: 8442 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well 8443 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the 8444 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous. 8445 -- Ambrose Bierce 8446% 8447Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. 8448% 8449Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh 8450and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, 8451well, I think of my sex life. 8452 -- Glenda Jackson 8453% 8454Actor Real Name 8455 8456Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt 8457Cary Grant Archibald Leach 8458Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg 8459Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman 8460John Wayne Marion Morrison 8461Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch 8462Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr. 8463Roy Rogers Leonard Slye 8464Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg 8465% 8466Actor: So what do you do for a living? 8467Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving 8468 dishes for Chinese restaurants. 8469 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 8470% 8471Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. 8472 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely 8473 New Cynic's Calendar", 1905 8474% 8475Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me. 8476% 8477Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator 8478will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction: 8479 8480N=1. Trivialy true, since both you and the elevator 8481 only have one floor to go to. 8482 8483Assume true for N, prove for N+1: 8484 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the 8485 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you 8486 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore, 8487 it is true for all N+1 floors. 8488QED. 8489% 8490Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.) 8491% 8492ADA: 8493 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 8494 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop 8495 an ADA awareness. 8496 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 8497% 8498ADA: 8499 Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. 8500 Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness." 8501% 8502ADA, n.: 8503 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 8504Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA 8505awareness." 8506% 8507Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. 8508[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] 8509 -- Ovid 8510% 8511Adding features does not necessarily increase 8512functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker. 8513% 8514Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. 8515 -- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month" 8516 8517Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by 8518close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and 8519scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein. 8520 -- George Washington, 1732-1799 8521% 8522Adding sound to movies would be like 8523putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. 8524 -- actress Mary Pickford, 1925 8525% 8526Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done 8527something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a 8528decorous age. 8529 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 8530% 8531Adler's Distinction: 8532 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, 8533 and from the bureaucrats. 8534% 8535ADMIRATION: 8536 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. 8537% 8538ADOLESCENCE: 8539 The stage between puberty and adultery. 8540% 8541ADORE: 8542 To venerate expectantly. 8543% 8544ADULT: 8545 One old enough to know better. 8546% 8547Adults die young. 8548% 8549Advancement in position. 8550% 8551Advertisements contain the only 8552truths to be relied on in a newspaper. 8553 -- Thomas Jefferson 8554% 8555Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. 8556 -- George Orwell 8557% 8558Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human 8559intelligence long enough to get money from it. 8560% 8561Advertising Rule: 8562 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the 8563 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, 8564 that it is curable. 8565% 8566Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once. 8567% 8568Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it. 8569% 8570African violet: Such worth is rare 8571Apple blossom: Preference 8572Bachelor's button: Celibacy 8573Bay leaf: I change but in death 8574Camelia: Reflected loveliness 8575Chrysanthemum, red: I love 8576Chrysanthemum, white: Truth 8577Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love 8578Clover: Be mine 8579Crocus: Abuse not 8580Daffodil: Innocence 8581Forget-me-not: True love 8582Fuchsia: Fast 8583Gardenia: Secret, untold love 8584Honeysuckle: Bonds of love 8585Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage 8586Jasmine: Amiablity, transports of joy, sensuality 8587Leaves (dead): Melancholy 8588Lilac: Youthful innocence 8589Lilly: Purity, sweetness 8590Lilly of the valley: Return of happiness 8591Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance 8592 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. 8593% 8594After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European 8595comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited, 8596except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything 8597is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union, 8598under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is 8599permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted, 8600especially that which is prohibited. 8601 -- Newton Minow, 8602 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985 8603% 8604After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. 8605It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life 8606more advanced than the lichen family. 8607 -- Dave Barry 8608% 8609After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. 8610% 8611After a while you learn the subtle difference 8612Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, 8613And you learn that love doesn't mean security, 8614And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts 8615And presents aren't promises 8616And you begin to accept your defeats 8617With your head up and your eyes open, 8618With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, 8619And you learn to build all your roads 8620On today because tomorrow's ground 8621Is too uncertain. And futures have 8622A way of falling down in midflight, 8623After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. 8624So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting 8625For someone to bring you flowers. 8626And you learn that you really can endure... 8627That you really are strong, 8628And you really do have worth 8629And you learn and learn 8630With every goodbye you learn. 8631 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn" 8632% 8633After all, all he did was string together 8634a lot of old, well-known quotations. 8635 -- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare 8636% 8637After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. 8638% 8639After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best. 8640 -- Jean Giraudoux 8641% 8642After all my erstwhile dear, 8643My no longer cherished, 8644Need we say it was not love, 8645Just because it perished? 8646 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 8647% 8648After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for 8649you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply 8650sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. 8651 -- P.J. O'Rourke 8652% 8653After an instrument has been assembled, 8654extra components will be found on the bench. 8655% 8656After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the 8657month than you did before. 8658% 8659After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names 8660have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, 8661James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important 8662electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this 8663is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg 8664of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even 8665though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. 8666Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian 8667medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been 8668seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and 8669watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact 8670that it sinks like a stone. 8671 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 8672% 8673After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from 8674Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, 8675and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon 8676to be created." 8677 "This is true," He replied. 8678 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. 8679 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the 8680right to make his laws?" 8681 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make 8682his own." 8683 It was so granted. 8684% 8685After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, 8686claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life 8687in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his 8688bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the 8689judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000. 8690 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check, 8691Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with 8692this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you 8693take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for 8694perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?" 8695 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to 8696Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes -- 8697where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle." 8698% 8699After living in New York, you trust nobody, 8700but you believe everything. Just in case. 8701% 8702...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles 8703Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years 8704I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors, 8705and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the 8706Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they 8707did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the 8708development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with 8709one foot in his mouth.) 8710 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died" 8711% 8712After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box. 8713 -- Italian proverb 8714% 8715After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught 8716by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease 8717with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers 8718carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white. 8719 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991 8720% 8721After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access 8722cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. 8723% 8724After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that 8725throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey 8726Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago, 8727at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for 8728his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject 8729with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions 8730that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in 8731Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the 8732first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on 8733single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil. 8734According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on 8735the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic 8736charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan. 8737 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles" 8738 8739Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really 8740precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the 8741Nobel Prize in 1923. 8742% 8743After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with 8744the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only 8745the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of 8746any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried 8747deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page... 8748 8749The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The 8750Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all. 8751But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line 8752or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie 8753burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the 8754neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an 8755oriental woman who seemed to be in control." 8756 8757Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and 8758straight to the point. 8759 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 8760% 8761After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is, 8762indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem. 8763% 8764After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! 8765% 8766AFTERNOON: 8767 That part of the day we spend worrying 8768 about how we wasted the morning. 8769% 8770Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. 8771% 8772Against Idleness and Mischief 8773 8774How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell! 8775Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax! 8776And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well 8777From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes. 8778 8779In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play, 8780I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed, 8781For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day 8782For idle hands to do. Some good account at last. 8783 -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748 8784% 8785Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain. 8786 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6 8787% 8788Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. 8789% 8790Age is a tyrant who forbids, 8791at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth. 8792% 8793Agnes' Law: 8794 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. 8795% 8796Agree with them now, it will save so much time. 8797% 8798Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, 8799Or what's a heaven for ? 8800 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto" 8801% 8802Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me, 8803"How good, how good does it feel to be free?" 8804And I answer them most mysteriously: 8805"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?" 8806 -- Bob Dylan 8807% 8808Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over! 8809% 8810Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts! 8811% 8812Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu. 8813% 8814Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It 8815excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude. 8816% 8817Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts. 8818Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. 8819Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. 8820Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves. 8821% 8822Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star. 8823 -- W. Clement Stone 8824% 8825Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing. 8826 -- The Mad Dogtender 8827% 8828Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but 8829bring me a message from a young man. 8830 -- Moms Mabley 8831% 8832"Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to 8833Kansas City." 8834 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd 8835 been traded. 8836% 8837AIR: 8838 A nutritious substance supplied by 8839 a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. 8840 -- Ambrose Bierce 8841% 8842Air Force Inertia Axiom: 8843 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness. 8844% 8845Air is water with holes in it. 8846% 8847Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose. 8848% 8849Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. 8850 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, 8851 Ecole Superieure de Guerre 8852% 8853Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that. 8854 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" 8855% 8856Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether 8857machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about 8858as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim. 8859 -- Dijkstra 8860% 8861Alas, how love can trifle with itself! 8862 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona" 8863% 8864Alas, I am dying beyond my means. 8865 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed] 8866% 8867ALASKA: 8868 A prelude to "No." 8869% 8870Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself 8871or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has 8872a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and 8873Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm. 8874 -- Tom Robbins 8875% 8876ALBRECHT'S LAW: 8877 Social innovations tend to the level 8878 of minimum tolerable well-being. 8879% 8880Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. 8881The surest poison is time. 8882 -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude" 8883% 8884Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. 8885 -- George Bernard Shaw 8886% 8887Alden's Laws: 8888 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 8889 of pregnancy. 8890 (2) Always be backlit. 8891 (3) Sit down whenever possible. 8892% 8893Alden's Laws: 8894 1: Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 8895 of pregnancy. 8896 2: Always be backlit. 8897 3: Sit down whenever possible. 8898% 8899Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, 8900Aleph-null bottles of beer, 8901You take one down, and pass it around, 8902Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. 8903% 8904Alex Haley was adopted! 8905% 8906Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well 8907in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone. 8908% 8909Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was 8910the closest our country has ever been to being even. 8911 -- The Best of Will Rogers 8912% 8913Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. 8914 -- Philippe Schnoebelen 8915% 8916Algebraic symbols are used when you don't know what you're talking about. 8917% 8918Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most 8919important programming language yet developed. 8920 -- T. Cheatham 8921% 8922ALGORITHM: 8923 Trendy dance for hip programmers. 8924% 8925Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. 8926% 8927Alimony is a system by which, when two people 8928make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it. 8929 -- Peggy Joyce 8930% 8931Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. 8932 -- Arthur Baer 8933% 8934Alimony is the curse of the writing classes. 8935 -- Norman Mailer 8936% 8937Alimony is the high cost of leaving. 8938% 8939Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est. 8940% 8941Alive without breath, 8942As cold as death; 8943Never thirsty, ever drinking, 8944All in mail ever clinking. 8945% 8946All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire. 8947% 8948All art is but imitation of nature. 8949 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 8950% 8951All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 8952% 8953All bad precedents began as justifiable measures. 8954 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of 8955 Catiline", by Sallust 8956% 8957All constants are variables. 8958% 8959All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means. 8960 -- Chou En Lai 8961% 8962All flesh is grass. 8963 -- Isaiah 8964Smoke a friend today. 8965% 8966All generalizations are false, including this one. 8967 -- Mark Twain 8968% 8969All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, 8970barely presentable. 8971 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 8972% 8973All Gods were immortal. 8974 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" 8975% 8976All great discoveries are made by mistake. 8977 -- Young 8978% 8979All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time. 8980% 8981All heiresses are beautiful. 8982 -- John Dryden 8983% 8984All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky, 8985to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing. 8986 -- Yoda 8987% 8988All hope abandon, ye who enter here! 8989 -- Dante Alighieri 8990% 8991All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 8992% 8993All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, 8994ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas. 8995 -- Kingfish 8996% 8997All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that 8998makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and 8999an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. 9000 -- Samuel Beckett 9001% 9002All I need to have a good time, 9003Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. 9004With those three things I don't need no sunshine, 9005A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. 9006 9007All I want is to never grow old, 9008I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. 9009I want 97 kilos already rolled, 9010I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. 9011 9012I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills, 9013I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. 9014I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled, 9015I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. 9016 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah" 9017% 9018All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. 9019 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 9020% 9021All intelligent species own cats. 9022% 9023All is fear in love and war. 9024% 9025All is well that ends well. 9026 -- John Heywood 9027% 9028All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the 9029throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be 9030practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie 9031Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers 9032that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think, 9033that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot. 9034% 9035All kings is mostly rapscallions. 9036 --Mark Twain 9037% 9038All laws are simulations of reality. 9039 -- John C. Lilly 9040% 9041All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities. 9042 -- Dawkins 9043% 9044All men have the right to wait in line. 9045% 9046All men know the utility of useful things; 9047but they do not know the utility of futility. 9048 -- Chuang-tzu 9049% 9050All men profess honesty as long as they can. 9051To believe all men honest would be folly. 9052To believe none so is something worse. 9053 -- John Quincy Adams 9054% 9055All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car, 9056a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog. 9057Definitely a dog. 9058% 9059All most people ask of life is a constant 9060and exaggerated sense of their own importance. 9061% 9062All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get. 9063% 9064All my friends and I are crazy. 9065That's the only thing that keeps us sane. 9066% 9067All my friends are getting married, 9068Yes, they're all growing old, 9069They're all staying home on the weekend, 9070They're all doing what they're told. 9071% 9072All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. 9073 -- Jane Wagner 9074% 9075ALL NEW: 9076 Parts not interchangeable with previous model. 9077% 9078All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from 9079the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded. 9080% 9081All of the animals except man know that 9082the principal business of life is to enjoy it. 9083% 9084All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs 9085synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to 9086rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all 9087of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." 9088 -- Stephen Wright 9089% 9090All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a 9091Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, 9092tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: 9093"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm." 9094 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You" 9095% 9096All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the 9097parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you 9098can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do 9099not use a hammer. 9100 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925 9101% 9102All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. 9103 -- Groucho Marx 9104% 9105All phone calls are obscene. 9106 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon 9107% 9108All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no. 9109 -- Susan Sontag 9110% 9111All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts 9112those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds 9113of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end 9114goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, 9115and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, 9116the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found 9117the last bug." 9118 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 9119% 9120All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. 9121% 9122All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism 9123to live beyond its income. 9124 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" 9125% 9126All science is either physics or stamp collecting. 9127 -- Ernest Rutherford 9128% 9129All seems condemned in the long run 9130to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise. 9131 -- James Martin 9132% 9133All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands. 9134 -- Saint Patrick 9135% 9136All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. 9137% 9138All that glitters has a high refractive index. 9139% 9140All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost. 9141% 9142All that is gold does not glitter, 9143Not all those who wander are lost; 9144The old that is strong does not wither, 9145Deep roots are not reached by the frost. 9146From the ashes a fire shall be woken, 9147A light from the shadows shall spring; 9148Renewed shall be blade that was broken, 9149The crownless again shall be king. 9150 -- J.R.R. Tolkien 9151% 9152All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, 9153provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe 9154to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct 9155the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief 9156Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you 9157going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?" 9158 -- Dave Barry 9159% 9160All the evidence concerning the universe 9161has not yet been collected, so there's still hope. 9162% 9163All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg, 9164It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen 9165With all the words gone, They all had their day 9166What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin' 9167 9168But of all the words written The bird is a strange one, 9169And all the lines read, So small and so tender 9170There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown, 9171And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender. 9172 9173It reminds me of days of So what is this line 9174Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown 9175It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle 9176And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown? 9177 9178I've read all the greats 9179Both starving and fat, 9180But none was as great as 9181"I tot I taw a puddy tat." 9182 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood" 9183% 9184All the men on my staff can type. 9185 -- Bella Abzug 9186% 9187...all the modern inconveniences... 9188 -- Mark Twain 9189% 9190All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. 9191 -- Grant Wood 9192% 9193All the simple programs have been written. 9194% 9195All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. 9196% 9197All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed. 9198 -- Sean O'Casey 9199% 9200All the world's a VAX, 9201And all the coders merely butchers; 9202They have their exits and their entrails; 9203And one int in his time plays many widths, 9204His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant, 9205Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. 9206And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, 9207And shining morning face, creeping like slug 9208Unwillingly to school. 9209 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 9210% 9211All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door. 9212% 9213All things being equal, you are bound to lose. 9214% 9215All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed. 9216 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 9217% 9218All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, 9219it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. 9220 -- Henry Tyroon 9221% 9222All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. 9223% 9224All warranty and guarantee clauses 9225become null and void upon payment of invoice. 9226% 9227All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each 9228other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information. 9229This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with 9230our lives." 9231 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell" 9232% 9233All who joy would win Must share it -- 9234Happiness was born a twin. 9235 -- Lord Byron 9236% 9237All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul. 9238% 9239Allen's Axiom: 9240 When all else fails, read the instructions. 9241% 9242Alliance, n: 9243 In international politics, the union of two thieves who 9244 have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket 9245 that they cannot safely plunder a third. 9246 -- Ambrose Bierce 9247% 9248All's well that ends. 9249% 9250Almost anything derogatory you could say 9251about today's software design would be accurate. 9252 -- K.E. Iverson 9253% 9254ALONE: 9255 In bad company. 9256% 9257Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had 9258to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration. 9259% 9260alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify. 9261ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question. 9262baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks. 9263Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts. 9264baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards. 9265beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often 9266 found in baas. 9267caaa, n: An automobile. 9268centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or 9269 someone involved with the Knicks.) 9270chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base. 9271dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or 9272 computation. 9273 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 9274% 9275Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for 9276buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham 9277Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that 9278reason. He knows it because he fired the guy. 9279 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I 9280bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says. 9281"I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'" 9282 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989 9283% 9284Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been 9285reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day 9286life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor 9287minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the 9288apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties 9289of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade 9290through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour 9291those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this 9292reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's "Practical 9293Gamekeeping." 9294 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream", Nov., 1959 9295% 9296Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. 9297% 9298Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. 9299 -- Mark Twain 9300% 9301Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. 9302% 9303Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. 9304% 9305Always run from a knife and rush a gun. 9306 -- Jimmy Hoffa 9307% 9308Always store beer in a dark place. 9309% 9310Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits. 9311 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 9312% 9313Always there remain portions of our heart 9314into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may. 9315% 9316Always think of something new; this 9317helps you forget your last rotten idea. 9318 -- Seth Frankel 9319% 9320AMAZING BUT TRUE... 9321 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to 9322 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. 9323% 9324AMAZING BUT TRUE... 9325 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it 9326 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. 9327% 9328AMBIDEXTROUS: 9329 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. 9330% 9331AMBIGUITY: 9332 Telling the truth when you don't mean to. 9333% 9334Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. 9335 -- Charlie McCarthy 9336% 9337Ambition, n: 9338 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while 9339 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. 9340 -- Ambrose Bierce 9341% 9342America: born free and taxed to death. 9343% 9344America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up. 9345 -- Oscar Wilde 9346% 9347America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood? 9348 -- Allen Ginsberg 9349% 9350America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned, 9351and the scum rises to the top. 9352 -- Utah Phillips 9353% 9354America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort. 9355 -- President John F. Kennedy 9356 9357The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not 9358be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but 9359living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil 9360Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so. 9361 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson 9362 9363The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that 9364from time to time threaten freedoms everyhere... Indeed, it is difficult 9365to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the 9366Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights 9367of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised 9368by the majority they were at the time. 9369 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren 9370% 9371America is the country where you buy a lifetime 9372supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks. 9373% 9374America may be unique in being a country which has leapt 9375from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. 9376 -- John O'Hara 9377% 9378America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until 9379people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its 9380name to "America". 9381 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 9382% 9383America works less, when you say "Union Yes!" 9384% 9385American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees 9386be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who 9387are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room 9388and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors. 9389 -- Dave Barry 9390% 9391American by birth; Texan by the grace of God. 9392% 9393American cars are made shoddily... 9394Cars made overseas are far superior. 9395 -- Sen. Barry Goldwater 9396% 9397[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything 9398we allow them short of hanging. 9399 -- Samuel Johnson 9400 9401America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its 9402tail it knocks over a chair. 9403 -- Arnold Toynbee 9404 9405The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 9406everybody and still nobody likes him. 9407 -- Jim Samuels 9408% 9409Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense. 9410% 9411Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out 9412to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization. 9413 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus" 9414% 9415America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person. 9416% 9417Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. 9418% 9419AMOEBIT: 9420 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply 9421 and divide at the same time. 9422% 9423Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman. 9424 -- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407. 9425% 9426Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. 9427% 9428An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants. 9429 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live 9430% 9431An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening. 9432 -- Marlon Brando 9433% 9434An Ada exception is when a routine gets 9435in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'. 9436% 9437An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms. 9438% 9439An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of 9440his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and 9441asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?" 9442 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?" 9443% 9444An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. 9445 -- Dylan Thomas 9446% 9447An algorithm must be seen to be believed. 9448 -- D.E. Knuth 9449% 9450An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad 9451to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country. 9452 -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639 9453% 9454An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment 9455to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to 9456and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended. 9457 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English 9458 language. 9459% 9460An American is a man with two arms and four wheels. 9461 -- A Chinese child 9462% 9463An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize 9464winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that 9465over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the 9466open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not 9467let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh, 9468 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck, 9469do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --" 9470Bohr chuckled. 9471 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am 9472scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told 9473that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not." 9474% 9475An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian 9476about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars. 9477 9478American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you 9479 get to work?" 9480Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public 9481 transportation everywhere." 9482A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?" 9483R: "We take the train." 9484A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?" 9485R: "We don't ever want go abroad." 9486A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?" 9487R: "We take tanks." 9488% 9489An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize 9490the president but is always polite to traffic cops. 9491% 9492An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New 9493Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not 9494new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. 9495 -- David Letterman 9496% 9497An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to 9498New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but 9499not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. 9500 -- David Letterman 9501% 9502An aphorism is never exactly true; 9503it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths. 9504 -- Karl Kraus 9505% 9506An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat 9507him last. 9508 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954 9509% 9510An apple a day makes 365 apples a year. 9511% 9512An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. 9513% 9514An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways. 9515 -- Isaac Asimov 9516% 9517An attachment a la Plato 9518for a bashful young potato 9519or a, not too French, french bean 9520must excite your languid spleen. 9521For, if you walk down Picadilly 9522with a poppy or lily 9523in your medieval hand, 9524every one will say, 9525as you walk your flowery way; 9526"If this young man is content, 9527with a vegetable love 9528which would certainly not content me. 9529Why, what a very pure young man 9530this pure young man must be!" 9531 -- W.S. Gilbert, "Patience" 9532 [The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde] 9533% 9534An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree 9535murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's 9536mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. 9537Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the 9538suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a 9539murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." 9540% 9541An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume. 9542% 9543An economist is a man who would marry 9544Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money. 9545% 9546An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. 9547 -- Adlai Stevenson 9548% 9549An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. 9550% 9551An efficient and a successful administration manifests 9552itself equally in small as in great matters. 9553 -- W. Churchill 9554% 9555An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, 9556in mid-air, on both sides of an issue. 9557 -- Homer Ferguson 9558% 9559An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane 9560when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When 9561several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a 9562despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his 9563usual pledge to the United Way Campaign. 9564 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband 9565barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but 9566I've already paid them half of it." 9567 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed 9568euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!" 9569% 9570An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. 9571% 9572An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an 9573anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt 9574already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the 9575engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later 9576the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now 9577has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the 9578mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he 9579was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of 9580humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too 9581trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny. 9582% 9583An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN. 9584% 9585An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. 9586 -- A.P. Herbert 9587% 9588An evil mind is a great comfort. 9589% 9590An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears 9591a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised 9592only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich 9593Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in 9594incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote 9595excellence: 9596 9597"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and 9598discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able 9599to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting 9600things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch 9601parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a 9602timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who 9603doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. 9604Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high 9605school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as 9606successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and 9607they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." 9608 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 9609% 9610...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often 9611picturesque liar. 9612 -- Mark Twain 9613% 9614An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a 9615very narrow field. 9616 -- Niels Bohr 9617% 9618An expert is a person who avoids the small errors 9619as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. 9620 -- Benjamin Stolberg 9621% 9622An expert is one who knows more and more about less 9623and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything. 9624% 9625An eye in a blue face 9626Saw an eye in a green face. 9627"That eye is like this eye" 9628Said the first eye, 9629"But in low place, 9630Not in high place." 9631% 9632An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort 9633Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport. 9634A manly man, to be a wizard able; 9635Many a protected file he had sitting on his table. 9636His console, when he typed, a man might hear 9637Clicking and feeping wind as clear, 9638Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell 9639Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell. 9640The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor 9641As old and strict he tended to ignore; 9642He let go by the things of yesterday 9643And took the modern world's more spacious way. 9644He did not rate that text as a plucked hen 9645Which says that Hackers are not holy men. 9646And that a hacker underworked is a mere 9647Fish out of water, flapping on the pier. 9648That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister. 9649That was a text he held not worth an oyster. 9650And I agreed and said his views were sound; 9651Was he to study till his head wend round 9652Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil 9653As Andy bade and till the very soil? 9654Was he to leave the world upon the shelf? 9655Let Andy have his labor to himself! 9656 -- Chaucer 9657 [well, almost. Ed.] 9658% 9659An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. 9660 -- Simon Cameron 9661 9662There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When 9663bought they stay bought. 9664 -- Bill Moyers 9665% 9666An honest tale speeds best being plainly told. 9667 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 9668% 9669An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. 9670% 9671An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit. 9672 -- Henry Ford 9673% 9674An idle mind is worth two in the bush. 9675% 9676An infallible method of concilliating a tiger 9677is to allow oneself to be devoured. 9678 -- Konrad Adenauer 9679% 9680An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. 9681 -- Albert Camus 9682% 9683An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if 9684each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the 9685function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated 9686by the corresponding row and column labels. 9687 -- Genesereth & Nilsson, "Logical foundations of Artificial 9688 Intelligence" 9689% 9690An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. 9691 -- Benjamin Franklin 9692% 9693An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity 9694in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. 9695 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if 9696you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like 9697an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an 9698hour seems like a minute." 9699 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a 9700moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" 9701 -- Arthur Naiman 9702% 9703An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and 9704great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of 9705a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors 9706have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four 9707hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming 9708of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel." 9709 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured. 9710"Grandmother is baking strudel right now." 9711 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go an get me a sliver of 9712strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world." 9713 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old 9714man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed. 9715 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers. 9716 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the 9717funeral." 9718% 9719An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience. 9720 -- Don Marquis 9721% 9722An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage. 9723A pessimist is a married optimist. 9724% 9725An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation. 9726% 9727An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. 9728 -- Michael Korda 9729% 9730An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. 9731 -- Spanish proverb 9732% 9733Anarchy may not be a better form of government, 9734but it's better than no government at all. 9735% 9736And all that the Lorax left here in this mess 9737was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless." 9738Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess. 9739That was long, long ago, and each day since that day, 9740I've worried and worried and worried away. 9741Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart, 9742I've worried about it with all of my heart. 9743 9744"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here, 9745the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear! 9746UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, 9747nothing is going to get better - it's not. 9748So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall. 9749"It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all! 9750 9751"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds. 9752And truffula trees are what everyone needs. 9753Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care. 9754Give it clean water and feed it fresh air. 9755Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack. 9756Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!" 9757% 9758And as we stand on the edge of darkness 9759Let our chant fill the void 9760That others may know 9761 9762 In the land of the night 9763 The ship of the sun 9764 Is drawn by 9765 The grateful dead. 9766 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. 9767% 9768And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest 9769unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine 9770bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, 9771provideth that they are nice and fresh.' 9772 -- Dave Barry 9773% 9774And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest 9775unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine 9776bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, 9777provideth that they are nice and fresh." 9778 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion" 9779% 9780And did those feet, in ancient times, 9781Walk upon England's mountains green? 9782And was the Holy Lamb of God 9783In England's pleasant pastures seen? 9784And did the Countenance Divine 9785Shine forth upon these crowded hills? 9786And was Jerusalem builded here 9787Among these dark satanic mills? 9788 9789Bring me my bow of burning gold! 9790Bring me my arrows of desire! 9791Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold! 9792Bring me my chariot of fire! 9793I shall not cease from mental fight, 9794Nor shall my sword rest in my hand, 9795Till we have built Jerusalem 9796In England's green and pleasant land. 9797 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" 9798% 9799And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel? 9800% 9801And ever has it been known that 9802love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. 9803 -- Kahlil Gibran 9804% 9805And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor, 9806"is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red 9807to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in 9808greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he 9809spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and 9810he shouted out, "YOPP!" 9811 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over! 9812Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard! 9813They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what 9814I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their 9815whole world was saved by the smallest of All!" 9816 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now 9817on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect 9818them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From 9819the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect 9820them. No matter how small-ish!" 9821 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who" 9822% 9823And here I wait so patiently 9824Waiting to find out what price 9825You have to pay to get out of 9826Going thru all of these things twice 9827 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again" 9828% 9829And I alone am returned to wag the tail. 9830% 9831And I heard Jeff exclaim, as they strolled out of sight, 9832"Merry Christmas to all -- you take credit cards, right?" 9833% 9834And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big 9835ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The 9836little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about 9837them, aren't braced against them. 9838 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower" 9839% 9840And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free! 9841My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez 9842Addams -- he was good for nothing." 9843 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family 9844% 9845And if California slides into the ocean, 9846Like the mystics and statistics say it will. 9847I predict this motel will be standing, 9848Until I've paid my bill. 9849 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves" 9850% 9851And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee, 9852"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy! 9853% 9854And if you wonder, 9855What I am doing, 9856As I am heading for the sink. 9857I am spitting out all the bitterness, 9858Along with half of my last drink. 9859% 9860And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead, 9861Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead. 9862 -- Joan Baez 9863% 9864And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing 9865what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions. 9866 -- David Jones 9867% 9868And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man. 9869 -- A.E. Housman 9870% 9871And miles to go before I sleep. 9872% 9873And now for something completely the same. 9874% 9875And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty 9876And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines, 9877The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts, 9878And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs. 9879 9880We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence 9881The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb, 9882But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover, 9883Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged- 9884 9885Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage 9886And code in a queue Have been biding their time, 9887Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs, 9888We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme. 9889 9890Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead. 9891We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed. 9892Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab. 9893You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean 9894 hand... 9895% 9896And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it. 9897% 9898And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. 9899% 9900...and report cards I was always afraid to show 9901Mama'd come to school 9902and as I'd sit there softly cryin' 9903Teacher'd say he's just not tryin' 9904Got a good head if he'd apply it 9905but you know yourself 9906it's always somewhere else 9907I'd build me a castle 9908with dragons and kings 9909and I'd ride off with them 9910As I stood by my window 9911and looked out on those 9912Brooklyn roads 9913 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads" 9914% 9915And so it was, later, 9916As the miller told his tale, 9917That her face, at first just ghostly, 9918Turned a whiter shade of pale. 9919 -- Procol Harum 9920% 9921And that's the way it is... 9922 -- Walter Cronkite 9923% 9924And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, 9925turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed, 9926the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no 9927clothes! He is naked!" 9928 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes" 9929% 9930And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that 9931black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and 9932penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while 9933white children begin with a small separation but increase it during 9934growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress. 9935 -- S.J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation" 9936% 9937And the silence came surging softly backwards 9938When the plunging hooves were gone... 9939 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners" 9940% 9941And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man 9942with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit. 9943% 9944And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal 9945rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, 9946which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced 9947in design as one will find anywhere in the world. 9948 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" 9949% 9950And this is good old Boston, 9951The home of the bean and the cod, 9952Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots, 9953And the Cabots talk only to God. 9954% 9955And tomorrow will be like today, only more so. 9956 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version 9957% 9958And we heard him exclaim 9959As he started to roam: 9960"I'm a hologram, kids, 9961please don't try this at home!'" 9962 -- Bob Violence 9963% 9964And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical 9965ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's 9966Comissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the 9967economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to 9968give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size 9969of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU 9970exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails 9971and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic 9972without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long 9973afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average 9974loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious 9975engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly 9976shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport. 9977 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" 9978% 9979And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane? 9980 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same. 9981 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine 9982 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?" 9983 -- The Grateful Dead 9984% 9985And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to 9986have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon 9987the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let 9988loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price: 9989in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest 9990license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value. 9991 -- Charles Dickens 9992% 9993And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a 9994sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy, 9995and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to 9996face, we have politics. 9997 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and 9998 Ground Cover" 9999% 10000And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have 10001a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks 10002tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets 10003tragedy face to face, we have politics. 10004 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, 10005 "Root Crops and Ground Cover" 10006% 10007And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel, 10008because the bars close every time you're thirsty... 10009% 10010"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for 10011you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going 10012and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said 10013he, earnestly. 10014 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere" 10015% 10016Andrea's Admonition: 10017 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. 10018 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, 10019 it isn't and he can. 10020% 10021ANDROPHOBIA: 10022 Fear of men. 10023% 10024Anger is momentary madness. 10025 -- Horace 10026% 10027Anger kills as surely as the other vices. 10028% 10029Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen. 10030Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. 10031 -- Lazarus Long 10032% 10033Ankh if you love Isis. 10034% 10035Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!! 10036 10037Be the envy of other major Communist Governments! 10038 10039Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with 10040just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's, 10041cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all 10042at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans 10043think you can, and that's the point, right?) 10044% 10045ANOINT: 10046 To grease a king or other great 10047 functionary already sufficiently slippery. 10048% 10049Another day, another dollar. 10050 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley, 10051 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald 10052 Reagan. 10053% 10054Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 10055% 10056Another megabytes the dust. 10057% 10058Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but 10059television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and 10060world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers 10061whiter teeth *and* fresher breath. 10062 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly" 10063% 10064Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone. 10065 -- Pyrrhus 10066% 10067Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. 10068 -- Proverbs, 26:5 10069% 10070Anthony's Law of the Workshop: 10071 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible 10072 corner of the workshop. 10073 10074Corollary: 10075 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike 10076 your toes. 10077% 10078Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood. 10079Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy. 10080% 10081Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude. 10082% 10083Antonio Antonio 10084Was tired of living alonio 10085He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio 10086Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio 10087Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid 10088 In a bowery shade, 10089 Sitting and knitting alonio. 10090Antonio Antonio 10091Said if you will be my ownio 10092I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio 10093And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio 10094An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish 10095 You singular fish 10096 Is that you will quickly begonio. 10097Antonio Antonio 10098Uttered a dismal moanio 10099And went off and hid 10100Or I'm told that he did 10101In the Antartical Zonio. 10102% 10103ANTONYM: 10104 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. 10105% 10106Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig 10107[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off 10108Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast 10109cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged. 10110Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on 10111them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention. 10112 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast 10113 cars across Europe. 10114% 10115Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts 10116which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development. 10117% 10118Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. 10119 -- Charles McCabe 10120% 10121Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a 10122mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside 10123than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? 10124And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? 10125Is there a better way to die? 10126 -- Charles Lindbergh 10127% 10128Any excuse will serve a tyrant. 10129 -- Aesop 10130% 10131Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this 10132country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week. 10133% 10134Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a 10135wise person to be able to sell it. 10136% 10137Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know 10138how to lie well. 10139 -- Samuel Butler 10140% 10141Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look 10142stupid. 10143 -- Hedy Lamarr 10144% 10145Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 10146% 10147Any given program will expand to fill available memory. 10148% 10149Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- 10150a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my 10151grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the 10152fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly 10153true. 10154 -- Solomon Short 10155% 10156Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. 10157% 10158Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit 10159rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out 10160of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that 10161requires a heroism which is transcendent. 10162 -- Henry Ward Beecher 10163% 10164Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. 10165 -- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields 10166% 10167Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be 10168liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall 10169be deemed to be a cat. 10170 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London 10171% 10172"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully. 10173"None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone 10174qualified who is willing to accept the post." 10175 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I 10176can at least make a decision." 10177 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic 10178young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most 10179up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind." 10180 -- R.L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly" 10181% 10182Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. 10183 -- Sydney Harris 10184% 10185Any president should have the right to shoot 10186at least two people a year without explanation. 10187 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press 10188% 10189Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent. 10190 -- Lazarus Long 10191% 10192Any program which runs right is obsolete. 10193% 10194Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. 10195% 10196Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain 10197just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you 10198cannot see the mountain. 10199 -- Bene Gesserit proverb 10200% 10201Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. 10202Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. 10203From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain. 10204 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune" 10205% 10206Any small object that is accidentally 10207dropped will hide under a larger object. 10208% 10209Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature. 10210% 10211Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. 10212% 10213Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. 10214 -- Arthur Clarke 10215% 10216Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. 10217 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 10218% 10219Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. 10220% 10221Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen 10222has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government. 10223 -- J.P. Morgan 10224% 10225Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years 10226organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. 10227 -- David Broder 10228% 10229Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the 10230sight of a police car is probably parked. 10231% 10232Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. 10233% 10234Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right 10235person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose 10236and in the right way -- that is not easy. 10237 -- Aristotle 10238% 10239Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is 10240supposed to be doing. 10241% 10242Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. 10243 -- Publilius Syrus 10244% 10245"Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the 10246first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no 10247explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for 10248intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of 10249thought on every occasion." 10250 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.) 10251% 10252Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty. 10253% 10254Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. 10255At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, 10256bathe and not make messes in the house. 10257 -- Lazarus Long 10258% 10259Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. 10260 -- R. Heinlein 10261% 10262Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. 10263 -- Samuel Goldwyn 10264% 10265Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you 10266that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?" 10267is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime 10268mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress. 10269 -- Elizabeth Zwicky 10270% 10271Anyone who has had a bull by the tail 10272knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't. 10273 -- Mark Twain 10274% 10275Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time 10276as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes. 10277 -- Philippus Paracelsus 10278% 10279Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President 10280should on no account be allowed to do the job. 10281 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 10282% 10283Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, 10284recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one 10285particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. 10286 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 10287% 10288Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. 10289 -- Groucho Marx 10290% 10291Anything anybody can say about America is true. 10292 -- Emmett Grogan 10293% 10294Anything cut to length will be too short. 10295% 10296Anything free is worth what you'll pay for it. 10297% 10298Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. 10299% 10300Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. 10301% 10302Anything is possible on paper. 10303 -- Ron McAfee 10304% 10305Anything is possible, unless it's not. 10306% 10307Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. 10308The label means the price went up. 10309The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" 10310means the price went way up. 10311% 10312Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto 10313undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth. 10314 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air" 10315% 10316Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. 10317% 10318Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something. 10319% 10320Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this 10321big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around -- 10322nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy 10323cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go 10324over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're 10325going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do 10326all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy, 10327but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy. 10328 -- J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye" 10329% 10330Apathy Club meeting this Friday. 10331If you want to come, you're not invited. 10332% 10333APHASIA: 10334 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked 10335 at parties, "But of what use is your research?" 10336% 10337aphorism, n.: 10338 A concise, clever statement. 10339afterism, n.: 10340 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. 10341 -- James Alexander Thom 10342% 10343APL hackers do it in the quad. 10344% 10345APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the 10346future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation 10347of coding bums. 10348 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 10349% 10350APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming; 10351...and is best for educational purposes. 10352 -- A. Perlis 10353% 10354APL is a write-only language. I can write programs 10355in APL, but I can't read any of them. 10356 -- Roy Keir 10357% 10358Appearances often are deceiving. 10359 -- Aesop 10360% 10361APPENDIX: 10362 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use. 10363% 10364Applause, n: 10365 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool. 10366 -- Ambrose Bierce 10367% 10368April is the cruellest month... 10369 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot 10370% 10371AQUADEXTROUS: 10372 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub 10373 faucet on and off with your toes. 10374 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 10375% 10376aquadextrous, adj.: 10377 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off 10378with your toes. 10379 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 10380% 10381AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) 10382 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. 10383 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be 10384 careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over 10385 and over again. People think you are stupid. 10386% 10387AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) 10388 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely 10389 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot 10390 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on 10391 payday. Stop wetting your bed. 10392% 10393AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18) 10394 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what 10395 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either. 10396 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your 10397 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be 10398 able to lend you a few bucks. 10399% 10400Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential 10401ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common 10402cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking 10403cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed, 10404then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've 10405never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work. 10406 -- Peter Nelson 10407% 10408Are we not men? 10409% 10410Are we running light with overbyte? 10411% 10412Are Women Human? 10413In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men 10414representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote. 10415The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one 10416vote. 10417% 10418Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10419say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10420 10421 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard. 10422 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave? 10423 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too? 10424 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel? 10425 Aren't you ashamed of yourself? 10426 Don't you know any better? 10427 How could you be so stupid? 10428 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful. 10429 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking. 10430 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all. 10431% 10432Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10433say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10434 10435 Do as I say, not as I do. 10436 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know. 10437 What did you do *this* time? 10438 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you. 10439 When I was your age... 10440 I won't love you if you keep doing that. 10441 Think of all the starving children in India. 10442 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar. 10443 I'm going to kill you. 10444 Way to go, clumsy. 10445 If you don't like it, you can lump it. 10446% 10447Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10448say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10449 10450 Go away. You bother me. 10451 Why? Because life is unfair. 10452 That's a nice drawing. What is it? 10453 Children should be seen and not heard. 10454 You'll be the death of me. 10455 You'll understand when you're older. 10456 Because. 10457 Wipe that smile off your face. 10458 I don't believe you. 10459 How many times have I told you to be careful? 10460 Just beacuse. 10461% 10462Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10463say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10464 10465 Good children always obey. 10466 Quit acting so childish. 10467 Boys don't cry. 10468 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way. 10469 Why do you have to know so much? 10470 This hurts me more than it hurts you. 10471 Why? Because I'm bigger than you. 10472 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy? 10473 Oh, grow up. 10474 I'm only doing this because I love you. 10475% 10476Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10477say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10478 10479 When are you going to grow up? 10480 I'm only doing this for your own good. 10481 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to 10482 cry about. 10483 What's wrong with you? 10484 Someday you'll thank me for this. 10485 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached. 10486 Don't you have any sense at all? 10487 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off. 10488 Why? Because I said so. 10489 I hope you have a kid just like yourself. 10490% 10491Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10492say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10493 10494 You wouldn't understand. 10495 You ask too many questions. 10496 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders. 10497 That's for me to know and you to find out. 10498 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick 10499 up for yourself. 10500 You're acting too big for your britches. 10501 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied? 10502 Wait till your father gets home. 10503 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you. 10504 Shape up or ship out. 10505% 10506Are you making all this up as you go along? 10507% 10508"Are you police officers?" 10509"No, ma'am. We're musicians." 10510 -- The Blues Brothers 10511% 10512Are you sure the back door is locked? 10513% 10514"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" 10515"No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." 10516% 10517"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" 10518No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." 10519 -- Monty Python 10520% 10521Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose? 10522Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers? 10523Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties? 10524Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy? 10525Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick? 10526Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen 10527 or so pencils from marking the cloth? 10528Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name? 10529Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do? 10530Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow? 10531Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose? 10532 10533 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer) 105340-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood. 105353-5 -- There is hope for you yet. 105366-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City. 105378-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril. 1053811+ -- Does suicide seem attractive? 10539% 10540Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. 10541 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 10542% 10543Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone 10544in good society holds exactly the same opinion. 10545 -- O. Wilde 10546% 10547Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. 10548% 10549ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) 10550 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are 10551 quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not 10552 very nice. 10553% 10554ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19) 10555 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person 10556 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've 10557 got a mean streak in you a mile wide. 10558% 10559ARITHMETIC: 10560 An obscure art no longer practiced in 10561 the world's developed countries. 10562% 10563Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. 10564 -- Mickey Mouse 10565% 10566ARMADILLO: 10567 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. 10568% 10569Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh 10570autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet 10571Union. 10572 -- P.J. O'Rourke 10573% 10574Armor's Axiom: 10575 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice. 10576% 10577Armstrong's Collection Law: 10578 If the check is truly in the mail, 10579 it is surely made out to someone else. 10580% 10581Arnold's Addendum: 10582 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. 10583% 10584Arnold's Laws of Documentation: 10585 1.) If it should exist, it doesn't. 10586 2.) If it does exist, it's out of date. 10587 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the 10588 first two laws. 10589% 10590Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote 10591a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from 10592one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work 10593to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death. 10594(He died in 1921.) 10595 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth, 10596flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this 10597fantasy... 10598 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung? 10599And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This 10600instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the 10601piece would be better known as: 10602 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"! 10603% 10604Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's 10605incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here." 10606 -- Muad'dib, "Dune" 10607% 10608Art is a jealous mistress. 10609 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 10610% 10611Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth. 10612 -- Picasso 10613% 10614Art is anything you can get away with. 10615 -- Marshall McLuhan. 10616% 10617Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. 10618 -- Chazal 10619% 10620Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death. 10621% 10622Arthur's Laws of Love: 10623 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 10624 remind them of someone else. 10625 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will 10626 be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool 10627 of yourself in person. 10628% 10629Article the Third: 10630 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should 10631 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and 10632 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary. 10633Article the Fourth: 10634 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee" 10635 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's 10636 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war. 10637Article the Fifth: 10638 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church, 10639 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the 10640 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have 10641 to last a lifetime and must be conserved. 10642 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights" 10643% 10644Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as 10645artificial flowers have to flowers. 10646 -- David Parnas 10647% 10648Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. 10649% 10650As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. 10651% 10652As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are 10653interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick perverted 10654disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make 10655jokes about setting fire to a goat?" 10656 -- Dave Barry 10657% 10658As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I 10659thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. 10660This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. 10661 -- M. Cartmill 10662% 10663As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and 10664I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. 10665This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. 10666 -- Matt Cartmill 10667% 10668As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, 10669and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a 10670scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. 10671 -- M. Cartmill 10672% 10673As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing 10674a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. 10675Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different 10676glass. 10677 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out 10678with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass. 10679 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With 10680a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer 10681down in one gulp. 10682 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the 10683fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a 10684firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound. 10685NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!" 10686% 10687As crazy as hauling timber into the woods. 10688 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 10689% 10690As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp 10691the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at 10692a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off. 10693 -- Joseph Brodsky 10694% 10695As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; 10696and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. 10697 -- Einstein 10698% 10699As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. 10700 -- Weisert 10701% 10702As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport. 10703 -- Shakespeare, "King Lear" 10704% 10705As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em, 10706We may live with, but cannot live without 'em. 10707 -- Frederic Reynolds 10708% 10709As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter 10710of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard. 10711 -- J.F. Kennedy 10712% 10713As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote. 10714% 10715As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought 10716the potato salad. 10717% 10718As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of 10719religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the 10720methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions -- 10721to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven 10722years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the 10723untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy -- 10724and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and 10725high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are 10726suprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind. 10727 -- Steve Allen 10728% 10729As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very 10730pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! 10731 -- Jack Handey 10732% 10733As I thought, no better from this side. 10734 -- Eeyore 10735% 10736As I was going up Punch Card Hill, 10737 Feeling worse and worser, 10738There I met a C.R.T. 10739 And it drop't me a cursor. 10740 10741C.R.T., C.R.T., 10742 Phosphors light on you! 10743If I had fifty hours a day 10744 I'd spend them all at you. 10745 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 10746% 10747As I was passing Project MAC, 10748I met a Quux with seven hacks. 10749Every hack had seven bugs; 10750Every bug had seven manifestations; 10751Every manifestation had seven symptoms. 10752Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, 10753How many losses at Project MAC? 10754% 10755As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day, 10756I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay, 10757The words were torn and tattered, 10758From the storm the night before, 10759The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes, 10760 10761Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer, 10762Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear, 10763Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar, 10764And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star. 10765 10766Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigedaire, 10767Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear, 10768Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three, 10769And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea. 10770% 10771As in certain cults it is possible to 10772kill a process if you know its true name. 10773 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie 10774% 10775As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into 10776smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different 10777in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting 10778norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a 10779computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by 10780IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish 10781standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original 10782standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan 10783allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive 10784innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and 10785imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven 10786images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies 10787on the austerity of the word. 10788 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 10789% 10790As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great 10791industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech 10792and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That 10793man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American 10794talk like that. 10795 -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956 10796% 10797As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? 10798% 10799As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic 10800schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve 10801The Problem, saving the documentation for later. 10802% 10803As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. 10804When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. 10805 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions" 10806% 10807As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. 10808One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly 10809useful and interesting, I just had to share it. 10810 10811Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 10812 10813 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens. 10814 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse. 10815 3. Some people never look at me. 10816 4. Spinach makes me feel alone. 10817 5. My sex life is A-okay. 10818 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 10819 7. I like to kill mosquitoes. 10820 8. Cousins are not to be trusted. 10821 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down. 1082210. I get nauseous from too much roller skating. 1082311. I think most people would cry to gain a point. 1082412. I cannot read or write. 1082513. I am bored by thoughts of death. 1082614. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me. 1082715. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker. 1082816. I am never startled by a fish. 1082917. My mother's uncle was a good man. 1083018. I don't like it when somebody is rotten. 1083119. People who break the law are wise guys. 1083220. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. 10833% 10834As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. 10835One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly 10836useful and interesting, I just had to share it. 10837 10838Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 10839 10840 1. I think beavers work too hard. 10841 2. I use shoe polish to excess. 10842 3. God is love. 10843 4. I like mannish children. 10844 5. I have always been diturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears. 10845 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools. 10846 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye. 10847 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs. 10848 9. I believe I smell as good as most people. 1084910. Frantic screams make me nervous. 1085011. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room 10851 full of mice. 1085212. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis. 1085313. A wide necktie is a sign of disease. 1085414. As a child I was deprived of licorice. 1085515. I would never shake hands with a gardener. 1085616. My eyes are always cold. 1085717. Cousins are not to be trusted. 1085818. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 1085919. I am never startled by a fish. 1086020. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. 10861% 10862As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape, 10863The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape; 10864It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field, 10865An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel! 10866Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie, 10867Follow it through, me canny lad O; 10868Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie, 10869Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O! 10870 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 10871% 10872As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10. 10873Please update your programs. 10874% 10875As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL. 10876Please update your programs. 10877% 10878As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. 10879% 10880As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of 10881the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents: 10882 10883News articles that answer *your* questions, #1: 10884 10885 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d 10886 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources 10887 Keywords: C sources 10888 Distribution: na 10889 10890 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the 10891 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the 10892 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I 10893 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.) 10894 10895 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If 10896 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate 10897 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that 10898 must be done? 10899% 10900As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; 10901a process that traditionally requires some debugging. 10902 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service 10903 conversion to a new computer system. 10904% 10905As some day it may happen that a victim must be found 10906I've got a little list -- I've got a little list 10907Of society offenders who might well be underground 10908And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed. 10909 -- Koko, "The Mikado" 10910% 10911As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't 10912as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be 10913discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large 10914part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in 10915my own programs. 10916 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949 10917% 10918As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably 10919because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. 10920 -- Woody Allen 10921% 10922As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear, 10923bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete, 10924or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new 10925version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new 10926component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and 10927efficient test cases will usually be available. 10928 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 10929% 10930As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, 10931as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; 10932but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, 10933with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his 10934divinity. 10935 -- Benjamin Franklin 10936% 10937As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. 10938 -- Miguel de Cervantes 10939% 10940As Will Rogers would have said, 10941"There is no such things as a free variable." 10942% 10943As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory 10944aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order 10945chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the 10946proper time for chocolate. 10947 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" 10948% 10949As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, 10950but you will do them with much more enthusiasm. 10951 -- The Cowboy 10952% 10953As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one. 10954 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare 10955% 10956As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." 10957% 10958ASCII: 10959 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would 10960 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as 10961 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall 10962 receive." 10963 -- Robb Russon 10964% 10965ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer. 10966% 10967ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. 10968% 10969Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, 10970If God won't have you, the devil must. 10971% 10972Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if 10973one went to Harvard). 10974 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 10975% 10976Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you 10977will pay only the station-to-station rate. 10978 -- Howard Kandel 10979% 10980Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls... 10981if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. 10982% 10983Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of. 10984 -- J.J. Gibson 10985% 10986Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. 10987 -- John Stuart Mill 10988% 10989Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she 10990said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and 10991released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her 10992right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she 10993learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the 10994writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your 10995newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to 10996bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started 10997chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not 10998as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this, 10999everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim, 11000the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted, 11001and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he 11002couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for 11003two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman." 11004 -- Garrison Keillor 11005% 11006Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a 11007lamp-post how it feels about dogs. 11008 -- Christopher Hampton 11009% 11010Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity 11011and understanding of how computers work that it provides. 11012 -- D. Gries 11013% 11014Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run 11015with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep 11016the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people 11017and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke. 11018 -- Stanley Walker 11019% 11020Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus. 11021% 11022Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems. 11023 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser 11024% 11025At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be 11026solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will 11027take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology 11028available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution. 11029In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There 11030is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general 11031relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving 11032a computer problem?" 11033 "Remember the twin paradox?" 11034 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very 11035fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but 11036that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the 11037computer here, and accelerate the earth!" 11038 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When 11039the earth came back, they were presented with the answer: 11040 11041 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card. 11042% 11043At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all 11044my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my 11045ignorance upon the shore. 11046 -- Kahlil Gibran 11047% 11048At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on 11049the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is 11050quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather 11051than blinkers it. 11052 -- G.L. Glegg, "The Design of Design" 11053% 11054At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, 11055a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. 11056 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985 11057% 11058At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me, 11059"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie. 11060 -- Strange de Jim 11061% 11062At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. 11063 -- J.B. White 11064% 11065At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his 11066thumb with a hammer. 11067 -- Marshall Lumsden 11068% 11069At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, 11070especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously 11071-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being 11072in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching 11073after fact and reason. 11074 -- John Keats 11075% 11076At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the 11077coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick. 11078 -- H.R. Gumby 11079% 11080At the end of your life there'll be a good rest, 11081and no further activities are scheduled. 11082% 11083At the foot of the mountain, thunder: 11084The image of Providing Nourishment. 11085Thus the superior man is careful of his words 11086And temperate in eating and drinking. 11087% 11088At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly 11089contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre 11090or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny 11091of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep 11092nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the 11093world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective 11094enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the 11095field on track. 11096 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection" 11097% 11098At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news 11099to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to 11100die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the 11101room, over to the man's bedisde and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!" 11102The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor 11103grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron? 11104You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in 11105213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me, 11106gently!" 11107 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily 11108opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs 11109his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say... 11110guess who's going to die soon!" 11111% 11112At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find 11113at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. 11114% 11115At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. 11116 -- Peter G. Alaquon 11117% 11118At times discretion should be thrown aside, 11119and with the foolish we should play the fool. 11120 -- Menander 11121% 11122At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the 11123number of pens that person is carrying. 11124% 11125Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 11126% 11127ATLANTA: 11128 An entire city surrounded by an airport. 11129% 11130Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. 11131 -- Winston Churchill 11132% 11133Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda 11134decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a 11135lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many 11136suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person 11137is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect." 11138 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85 11139% 11140AUCTION: 11141 A gyp off the old block. 11142% 11143Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity. 11144 -- G.J. Danton 11145% 11146audophile, n: 11147 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music. 11148% 11149Auribus teneo lupum. 11150[I hold a wolf by the ears.] 11151% 11152AUTHENTIC: 11153 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion. 11154% 11155Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children. 11156 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer" 11157% 11158AUTOMOBILE: 11159 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. 11160% 11161Avec! 11162% 11163Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. 11164% 11165Avoid cliches like the plague. 11166They're a dime a dozen. 11167% 11168Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight. 11169% 11170Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. 11171% 11172Avoid reality at all costs. 11173% 11174Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but 11175we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. 11176 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student 11177% 11178Avoid strange women and temporary variables. 11179% 11180Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining 11181ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror 11182to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the 11183mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam 11184in 1959. 11185 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton 11186 bad fiction contest. 11187% 11188[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching. 11189 -- Tris Speaker, 1921 11190% 11191BACCHUS: 11192 A convenient deity invented by the ancients 11193 as an excuse for getting drunk. 11194% 11195BACHELOR: 11196 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 11197% 11198BACHELOR: 11199 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one. 11200% 11201Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears 11202that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign 11203correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were 11204invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the 11205West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?" 11206 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first. 11207Business before pleasure." 11208% 11209Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some 11210military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people 11211who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks. 11212Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the 11213problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with 11214written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people 11215(most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering 11216types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were 11217the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote 11218the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It 11219never really caught on. 11220% 11221Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, 11222uphill both ways and it was always snowing. 11223% 11224Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways 11225and it was always snowing. 11226% 11227BACKWARD CONDITIONING: 11228 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring. 11229% 11230Bacons not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string. 11231% 11232BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!! 11233% 11234Bad men live that they may eat and drink, 11235whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. 11236 -- Socrates 11237% 11238Bagdikian's Observation: 11239 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper 11240 is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele. 11241% 11242Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges! 11243 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre" 11244% 11245Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: 11246 A block grant is a solid mass of money 11247 surrounded on all sides by governors. 11248% 11249BALLISTOPHOBIA: 11250 Fear of bullets; 11251OTOPHOBIA: 11252 Fear of opening one's eyes. 11253PECCATOPHOBIA: 11254 Fear of sinning. 11255TAPHEPHOBIA: 11256 Fear of being buried alive. 11257SITOPHOBIA: 11258 Fear of food. 11259TRICHOPHOBIA: 11260 Fear of hair. 11261VESTIPHOBIA: 11262 Fear of clothing. 11263% 11264BALTIMORE: 11265 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp. 11266% 11267Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. 11268% 11269Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: 11270 The hippo has no sting, but the wise 11271 man would rather be sat upon by the bee. 11272% 11273Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. 11274% 11275Barach's Rule: 11276 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. 11277% 11278Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience: 11279 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes 11280 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends. 11281 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary 11282 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing. 11283% 11284Barker's Proof: 11285 Proofreading is more effective after publication. 11286% 11287BAROMETER: 11288 An ingenious instrument which indicates 11289 what kind of weather we are having. 11290% 11291Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. 11292 -- Tom Lehrer 11293% 11294Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes. 11295 -- Will Rogers 11296% 11297Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes. 11298 -- The Best of Will Rogers 11299% 11300Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think 11301Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 11302 11303 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 11304 (2) Advising the President. 11305 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. 11306 -- David Letterman 11307% 11308BASIC: 11309 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases 11310 in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. 11311% 11312Basic Definitions of Science: 11313 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. 11314 If it stinks, it's chemistry. 11315 If it doesn't work, it's physics. 11316% 11317Basic is a high level languish. 11318% 11319BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. 11320 -- Seymour Papert 11321% 11322Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd 11323come in and sink my boats. 11324 -- Woody Allen 11325% 11326Batteries not included. 11327% 11328Battle, n: 11329 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that 11330 will not yield to the tongue. 11331 -- Ambrose Bierce 11332% 11333Be a better psychiatrist and the world 11334will beat a psychopath to your door. 11335% 11336BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.) 11337% 11338BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...) 11339% 11340Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. 11341 -- Homer 11342% 11343Be careful! Is it classified? 11344% 11345Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10! 11346% 11347Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or 11348situations that can't bear inspection. 11349% 11350Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. 11351 -- Mark Twain 11352% 11353Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours. 11354 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name" 11355% 11356Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. 11357% 11358Be careful when you bite into your hamburger. 11359 -- Derek Bok 11360% 11361Be cautious in your daily affairs. 11362% 11363Be cheerful while you are alive. 11364 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C. 11365% 11366Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better 11367to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman. 11368 -- De Maintenon 11369% 11370Be different: conform. 11371% 11372Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse 11373the issue afterwards. 11374% 11375Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! 11376Things won't get any better so get used to it. 11377% 11378Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree. 11379% 11380Be independent. 11381Insult a rich relative today. 11382% 11383Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; 11384nothing is safe while the legislature is in session. 11385% 11386Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down. 11387 -- Wilson Mizner 11388% 11389Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are. 11390 -- Pope St. Gregory I 11391% 11392Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream. 11393% 11394Be prepared to accept sacrifices. 11395Vestal virgins aren't all that bad. 11396% 11397Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent 11398and original in your work. 11399 -- Flaubert 11400% 11401Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. 11402% 11403Be self-reliant and your success is assured. 11404% 11405Be sociable. 11406Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow. 11407% 11408Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio. 11409% 11410Be valiant, but not too venturous. 11411Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. 11412 -- John Lyly 11413% 11414Beam me up, Scotty! 11415% 11416Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser! 11417% 11418Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here! 11419% 11420Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will. 11421% 11422BEAUTY: 11423 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand. 11424% 11425Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. 11426% 11427Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two. 11428% 11429Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God. 11430 -- Jean Anouilh 11431% 11432Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all 11433Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. 11434 -- John Keats 11435% 11436Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. 11437 -- Redd Foxx 11438% 11439Because I do, 11440Because I do not hope, 11441Because I do not hope to survive 11442Injustice from the Palace, death from the air, 11443Because I do, only do, 11444I continue... 11445 -- T.S. Pynchon 11446% 11447Because the wine remembers. 11448% 11449Because we don't think about future generations, 11450they will never forget us. 11451 -- Henrik Tikkanen 11452% 11453Been through hell? 11454What did you bring back for me? 11455% 11456Been Transferred Lately? 11457% 11458Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore. 11459% 11460Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions. 11461% 11462Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. 11463 -- Addison H. Hallock 11464% 11465Before destruction a man's heart is 11466haughty, but humility goes before honour. 11467 -- Psalms 18:12 11468% 11469...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech 11470or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What 11471did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was 11472manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of 11473this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my 11474power of meddling. 11475 -- Joseph Conrad 11476% 11477Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone. 11478% 11479Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage 11480they are "Let's eat out." 11481% 11482Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. 11483% 11484Before you ask more questions, think about whether 11485you really want to know the answers. 11486 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator" 11487% 11488Beggar to well-dressed businessman: 11489 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?" 11490% 11491Beggars should be no choosers. 11492 -- John Heywood 11493% 11494Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. 11495% 11496Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek. 11497% 11498Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear. 11499% 11500Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which 11501is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but 11502the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that 11503basket!" 11504 -- Mark Twain 11505% 11506Behold the unborn foetus and 11507 Weep salt tears crocodilian; 11508All life is sacred (save, of course, 11509 An enemy civilian). 11510% 11511Behold the warranty -- the bold print 11512giveth and the fine print taketh away. 11513% 11514Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry. 11515% 11516Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and 11517stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very 11518opposite applies with the judges. 11519 -- Beyond the Fringe 11520% 11521Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, 11522since it consists principally of dealings with men. 11523 -- Conrad 11524% 11525Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome 11526to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over 11527and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?" 11528 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed 11529seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me." 11530% 11531Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real 11532disasters in life begin when you get what you want. 11533% 11534Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart 11535enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important. 11536 -- Eugene McCarthy 11537% 11538Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the 11539Boy Scouts have adult supervision. 11540 -- Blake Clark 11541% 11542Being owned by someone used to be called 11543slavery -- now it's called commitment. 11544% 11545Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you. 11546% 11547Being stoned on marijuana isn't very 11548different from being stoned on gin. 11549 -- Ralph Nader 11550% 11551Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to 11552standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons. 11553 -- unamed Justice Department official 11554% 11555Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet. 11556% 11557belief, n: 11558 Something you do not believe. 11559% 11560Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too 11561impossibly bad. 11562 -- Honore DeBalzac 11563% 11564Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone. 11565% 11566Ben, why didn't you tell me? 11567 -- Luke Skywalker 11568% 11569Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: 11570 (1) Houses are for people to live in. 11571 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. 11572 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. 11573% 11574Benson's Dogma: 11575 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit. 11576% 11577Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and 11578none of his friends like him either. 11579 -- Oscar Wilde 11580% 11581Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been 11582transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in 11583Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken 11584place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental 11585surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet, 11586MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District. 11587For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was 11588rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious: 11589"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them, 11590after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?" 11591 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard. 11592 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?" 11593 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain." 11594 "The test or the room?" 11595 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain." 11596 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no. 11597Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this 11598great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you 11599tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie, 11600why?" 11601 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain." 11602 -- House of God 11603% 11604Bershere's Formula for Failure: 11605 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who 11606 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody. 11607% 11608Besides the device, the box should contain: 11609 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" 11610 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two 11611 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. 11612 11613YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. 11614 11615IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse 11616and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get 11617all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major 11618transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why." 11619 11620WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. 11621 -- Dave Barry 11622% 11623Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969 11624judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who 11625doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American 11626history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor 11627at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of 11628them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our 11629victuals being spent and especially our beer." 11630 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual 11631% 11632Best Mistakes In Films 11633 In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists 11634four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all 11635possible. 11636 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a 11637street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window. 11638 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned 11639with television aerials. 11640 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his 11641fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill 11642in the background. 11643 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is 11644clearly visible on one of the leading characters. 11645 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 11646% 11647Best of all is never to have been born. 11648Second best is to die soon. 11649% 11650beta test, v: 11651 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's 11652 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. 11653 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos. 11654% 11655Better by far you should forget and 11656smile than that you should remember and be sad. 11657 -- Christina Rossetti 11658% 11659Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come 11660around while you have your life in such a mess. 11661% 11662Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it. 11663% 11664Better late than never. 11665 -- Titus Livius (Livy) 11666% 11667Better living a beggar than buried an emperor. 11668% 11669Better the prince of some inferior court, 11670Than second, or less, in beatific light. 11671 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer" 11672% 11673Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all. 11674% 11675Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. 11676 -- motto of the Christopher Society 11677% 11678Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment. 11679% 11680Better tried by twelve than carried by six. 11681 -- Jeff Cooper 11682% 11683Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, 11684left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a 11685bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort 11686pushing boulders into a single word. 11687 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. 11688Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin 11689equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the 11690destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both 11691Parliament and Party. 11692 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other 11693planets, this may be the first message received from us. 11694 -- The Realist, November, 1964. 11695% 11696Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. 11697% 11698Between infinite and short there is a big difference. 11699 -- G.H. Gonnet 11700% 11701Between the idea 11702And the reality 11703Between the motion 11704And the act 11705Falls the Shadow 11706 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man" 11707 11708 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 11709 referring to system service dispatching.] 11710% 11711BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature. 11712% 11713Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. 11714% 11715Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe. 11716% 11717Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe. 11718% 11719Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather 11720a new wearer of clothes. 11721 -- Henry David Thoreau 11722% 11723Beware of Bigfoot! 11724% 11725Beware of bugs in the above code; 11726I have only proved it correct, not tried it. 11727 -- D. Knuth 11728% 11729Beware of friends who are false and deceitful. 11730% 11731Beware of geeks bearing graft. 11732% 11733Beware of low-flying butterflies. 11734% 11735Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The 11736danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with 11737the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell. 11738 -- St. Augustine 11739% 11740Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. 11741 -- Leonard Brandwein 11742% 11743Beware of strong drink. It can make you 11744shoot at tax collectors -- and miss. 11745 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 11746% 11747Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question. 11748% 11749"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds 11750himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous 11751resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their 11752ignorance the hard way." 11753 -- Vonnegut 11754% 11755Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything 11756is possible but nothing of interest is easy. 11757% 11758Beware the new TTY code! 11759% 11760Beware the one behind you. 11761% 11762bi, n: 11763 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert. 11764% 11765Bierman's Laws of Contracts: 11766 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". 11767 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". 11768 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's". 11769% 11770Big book, big bore. 11771 -- Callimachus 11772% 11773Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice 11774Are making midnight music in the moonlight, 11775Mighty nice! 11776% 11777Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same. 11778% 11779Biggest security gap -- an open mouth. 11780% 11781Bilbo's First Law: 11782 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels. 11783% 11784Bill Dickey is learning me his experience. 11785 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season. 11786% 11787Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from 11788 generation to generation? 11789Mom: Yes? 11790Billy: Well, this generation dropped it. 11791% 11792Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, 11793and you'll be Gary, Indiana. 11794 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace" 11795% 11796Bing's Rule: 11797 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach. 11798% 11799Biology grows on you. 11800% 11801Biology is the only science in which 11802multiplication means the same thing as division. 11803% 11804Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black 11805nightgowns do with keeping warm. 11806 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom" 11807% 11808Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues. 11809% 11810birth, n: 11811 The first and direst of all disasters. 11812 -- Ambrose Bierce 11813% 11814Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want. 11815% 11816Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the 11817behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an 11818absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that 11819time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in 11820time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend 11821on the observer's movement in restaurants. 11822 -- Douglas Adams 11823% 11824bit, n: 11825 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color 11826 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 11827 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years 11828 ago. 11829% 11830Bit off more than my mind could chew, 11831Shower or suicide, what do I do? 11832 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?" 11833% 11834Biz is better. 11835% 11836Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. 11837% 11838Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks 11839are involved in when they burn stores. 11840 -- Julius Lester 11841% 11842Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies, 11843Shy little angels as gentle as puppies, 11844Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish, 11845They were just some of my tropical fish. 11846 11847Then I got mantas that sting in the water, 11848Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter, 11849Savage male betas that bite with a squish, 11850Now I have many less tropical fish. 11851 11852 If you think that 11853 Fish are peaceful 11854 That's an empty wish. 11855 Just dump them together 11856 And leave them alone, 11857 And soon you will have -- no fish. 11858 -- To My Favorite Things 11859% 11860Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide, 11861The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side, 11862A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide, 11863She wants to hit those bricks, 11864 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline, 11865While the millionaires hide in Beekman place, 11866The bag ladies throw their bones in my face, 11867I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound, 11868I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down... 11869 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" 11870% 11871Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault. 11872% 11873Blessed are the forgetful: for they 11874get the better even of their blunders. 11875 -- Nietzsche 11876% 11877Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. 11878% 11879Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. 11880 -- Herbert Hoover 11881% 11882Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded 11883to say it. 11884 -- James Russell Lowell 11885% 11886Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, 11887for they Shall be Known as Wheels. 11888% 11889Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. 11890 -- W.C. Bennett 11891% 11892Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. 11893 -- Alexander Pope 11894% 11895Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, 11896for he shall enjoy living. 11897 -- W.C. Bennett 11898% 11899Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, 11900abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. 11901 -- George Eliot 11902% 11903Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies. 11904 -- David Nichols 11905% 11906blithwapping: 11907 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the 11908 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. 11909 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 11910% 11911Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. 11912% 11913Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: 11914 The judge's jokes are always funny. 11915% 11916Blow it out your ear. 11917% 11918Blue paint today. 11919 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.] 11920% 11921Blutarsky's Axiom: 11922 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason. 11923% 11924Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel. 11925% 11926Boling's postulate: 11927 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. 11928% 11929Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: 11930 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so 11931 vividly manifests their lack of progress. 11932% 11933Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them 11934seemed to come from Texas. 11935 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" 11936% 11937Bondage maybe, discipline never! 11938 -- T.K. 11939% 11940Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!" 11941% 11942Boob's Law: 11943 You always find something in the last place you look. 11944% 11945Booker's Law: 11946 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. 11947% 11948Bore, n: 11949 A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 11950 -- Ambrose Bierce 11951% 11952boss, n: 11953 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the 11954 words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, 11955 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an 11956 ornamental stud." 11957% 11958Boston: 11959 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic. 11960% 11961Boston: 11962 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports 11963 fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition. 11964% 11965Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and 11966interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible 11967on the same communications line connection. 11968 -- Bell System Technical Reference 11969% 11970Boucher's Observation: 11971 He who blows his own horn always plays the music 11972 several octaves higher than originally written. 11973% 11974Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding. 11975 -- Ralph Lewin 11976% 11977Bower's Law: 11978 Talent goes where the action is. 11979% 11980Bowie's Theorem: 11981 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. 11982% 11983Boy! Eucalyptus! 11984% 11985Boy, get your head out of the stars above, 11986You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 11987Save your heart and let your body be enough, 11988To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 11989Save your heart and let your body be enough, 11990And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 11991 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love" 11992% 11993Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the 11994'Advanced Systems Development' group! 11995% 11996boy, n: 11997 A noise with dirt on it. 11998% 11999Boy, that crayon sure did hurt! 12000% 12001Boycott meat - suck your thumb. 12002% 12003Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. 12004 -- Kin Hubbard 12005% 12006Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band 12007together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a 12008tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo 12009on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others. 12010They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk 12011clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix. 12012Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean 12013well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They 12014like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time, 12015which is all the time. 12016 -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head" 12017% 12018Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the unique: 12019an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently 12020anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend to think of it as 12021`Constructive Snottiness.' 12022 -- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style" 12023% 12024Bradley's Bromide: 12025 If computers get too powerful, we can organize 12026 them into a committee -- that will do them in. 12027% 12028Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: 12029 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more 12030 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger 12031 have handled this?" 12032% 12033Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no 12034wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred. 12035 -- The Mahabharata 12036% 12037Brain fried -- core dumped 12038% 12039brain, n: 12040 The apparatus with which we think that we think. 12041 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12042% 12043brain, v: [as in "to brain"] 12044 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source 12045 of error in an opponent. 12046 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12047% 12048brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a 12049theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in 12050Multics, adj: 12051 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication 12052 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage, 12053 because he/she should have known better. Calling something 12054 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable. 12055% 12056Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates, 12057is my choice for team captain. Cincinnatti was beating us 3-1, and I led 12058off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard 12059single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and 12060kept going, sliding safely into third base. 12061 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at 12062bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first. 12063Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy 12064took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third. 12065 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy 12066start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide 12067into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and 12068shouts, "Back to second if I can make it." 12069 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 12070% 12071Brandy-and-water spoils two good things. 12072 -- Charles Lamb 12073% 12074Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science. 12075 -- Randy Goebel 12076% 12077Break into jail and claim police brutality. 12078% 12079Breathe deep the gathering gloom. 12080Watch lights fade from every room. 12081Bed-sitter people look back and lament; 12082another day's useless energies spent. 12083 12084Impassioned lovers wrestle as one. 12085Lonely man cries for love and has none. 12086New mother picks up and suckles her son. 12087Senior citizens wish they were young. 12088 12089Cold-hearted orb that rules the night; 12090Removes the colors from our sight. 12091Red is grey and yellow white. 12092But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion." 12093 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed" 12094% 12095Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. 12096% 12097bride, n: 12098 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 12099% 12100Bridge ahead. Pay troll. 12101% 12102briefcase, n: 12103 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party. 12104% 12105Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of 12106data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover 12107an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order 12108and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation 12109which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation 12110in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct 12111hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to 12112construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to 12113assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves 12114only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity 12115of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the 12116analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to 12117appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses. 12118 -- A. Benjamin 12119% 12120Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati 12121 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba; 12122i borogovi eran tutti mimanti 12123 e la moma radeva fuorigraba. 12124 12125"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco, 12126 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante; 12127fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco 12128 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante". 12129 -- "The Jabberwock" 12130% 12131Bringing computers into the home won't change 12132either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon. 12133% 12134Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast 12135more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. 12136If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if 12137brusque, your character. 12138 -- Jonathan Swift 12139% 12140British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive 12141it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps. 12142 -- Peter Ustinov 12143% 12144British Israelites: 12145 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to 12146be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria 12147on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future 12148can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably 12149means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also 12150believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come 12151and take all your teeth. 12152 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12153% 12154broad-mindedness, n: 12155 The result of flattening high-mindedness out. 12156% 12157Brogan's Constant: 12158 People tend to congregate in the back 12159 of the church and the front of the bus. 12160% 12161brokee, n: 12162 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker. 12163% 12164Brooke's Law: 12165 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool 12166 discovers something which either abolishes the system or 12167 expands it beyond recognition. 12168% 12169BS: You remind me of a man. 12170B: What man? 12171BS: The man with the power. 12172B: What power? 12173BS: The power of voodoo. 12174B: Voodoo? 12175BS: You do. 12176B: Do what? 12177BS: Remind me of a man. 12178B: What man? 12179BS: The man with the power... 12180 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer" 12181% 12182Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang. 12183% 12184Bucy's Law: 12185 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 12186% 12187Bug: 12188 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. 12189 The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends 12190 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. 12191% 12192bug, n: 12193 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. 12194 The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends 12195 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. 12196 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 12197% 12198Build a system that even a fool can use 12199and only a fool will want to use it. 12200% 12201Building translators is good clean fun. 12202 -- T. Cheatham 12203% 12204Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. 12205General: What does that make YOU? 12206Bullwinkle: What else? An executive. 12207% 12208Bumper sticker: 12209 All the parts falling off this car are 12210 of the very finest British manufacture. 12211% 12212Bunker's Admonition: 12213 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it. 12214% 12215BURBULATION: 12216 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in 12217 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on. 12218 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 12219% 12220Bureau Termination, Law of: 12221 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, 12222 the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12223 12 months after the decision is made. 12224% 12225bureaucracy, n: 12226 A method for transforming energy into solid waste. 12227% 12228bureaucrat, n: 12229 A politician who has tenure. 12230% 12231Burke's Postulates: 12232 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 12233 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer. 12234% 12235Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas. 12236 -- Ken Weaver 12237% 12238Bus error -- driver executed. 12239% 12240Bus error -- please leave by the rear door. 12241% 12242Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai! 12243% 12244Business is a good game -- lots of competition 12245and minimum of rules. You keep score with money. 12246 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari 12247% 12248Business will be either better or worse. 12249 -- Calvin Coolidge 12250% 12251...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be 12252proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge 12253to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women 12254were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still 12255unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and 12256in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than 12257the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If 12258there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute 12259of value. 12260 -- Ambrose Bierce 12261% 12262But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer! 12263% 12264But, for my own part, it was Greek to me. 12265 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 12266% 12267But has any little atom, 12268 While a-sittin' and a-splittin', 12269Ever stopped to think or CARE 12270 That E = m c**2 ? 12271% 12272"But Huey, you PROMISED!" 12273"Tell 'em I lied." 12274% 12275But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness. 12276I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to 12277kill more than I could eat. 12278 -- Raoul Duke 12279% 12280But I don't like Spam!!!! 12281% 12282"But I don't want to go on the cart..." 12283"Oh, don't be such a baby!" 12284"But I'm feeling much better..." 12285"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!" 12286 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail" 12287% 12288But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go 12289back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you 12290what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous 12291to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something 12292true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or 12293theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might 12294even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of 12295crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is 12296that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away 12297with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not 12298everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It 12299therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such 12300arrogance down. 12301 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room" 12302% 12303But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 12304intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as 12305we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues 12306that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding 12307of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard 12308example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- 12309makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing 12310whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a 12311finite or an infinite number. 12312 -- S.J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 12313% 12314But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable 12315nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study. 12316 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge" 12317% 12318But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the 12319system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, 12320analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. 12321 -- Bruce Leverett, 12322 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" 12323% 12324But it does move! 12325 -- Galileo Galilei 12326% 12327But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come! 12328% 12329But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane, 12330In proving foresight may be vain: 12331The best laid schemes o' mice an' men 12332Gang aft a-gley, 12333An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain 12334For promised joy. 12335 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785 12336% 12337But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch! 12338% 12339But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green! 12340% 12341But scientists, who ought to know 12342Assure us that it must be so. 12343Oh, let us never, never doubt 12344What nobody is sure about. 12345 -- Hilaire Belloc 12346% 12347But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day. 12348% 12349But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than 12350frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them? 12351 -- M. Proust 12352% 12353But soft you, the fair Ophelia: 12354Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, 12355But get thee to a nunnery -- go! 12356 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain 12357% 12358But these pills can't be habit forming; 12359I've been taking them for years. 12360% 12361But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad 12362place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. 12363Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What 12364is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not 12365enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? 12366Have I explained yet about the bytes? 12367% 12368But you shall not escape my iambics. 12369 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 12370% 12371But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical 12372reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than 12373those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature. 12374 -- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds" 12375% 12376Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes 12377Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; 12378Less dear than army ants in apple pies 12379Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, 12380Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; 12381Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose 12382They suck, and like the double-breasted suit 12383Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, 12384Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; 12385And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: 12386Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; 12387Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. 12388Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, 12389Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. 12390% 12391buzzword, n: 12392 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy. 12393% 12394By doing just a little every day, you can 12395gradually let the task completely overwhelm you. 12396% 12397By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. 12398% 12399By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other 12400designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun. 12401 -- P.J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April 12402 Fool's column. 12403% 12404By nature, men are nearly alike; 12405by practice, they get to be wide apart. 12406 -- Confucius 12407% 12408By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. 12409In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others 12410as it is to invent. 12411 -- R. Emerson 12412 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program 12413 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") 12414 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to 12415 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.] 12416% 12417By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. 12418 -- Charles Spurgeon 12419% 12420By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death. 12421 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 12422% 12423By the time you swear you're his, 12424shivering and sighing 12425and he vows his passion is 12426infinite, undying -- 12427Lady, make a note of this: 12428One of you is lying. 12429 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence" 12430% 12431By the yard, life is hard. 12432By the inch, it's a cinch. 12433% 12434By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. 12435Another man's, I mean. 12436 -- Mark Twain 12437% 12438By working faithfully eight hours a day, 12439you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. 12440 -- Robert Frost 12441% 12442byob, v: 12443 Believing Your Own Bull 12444% 12445Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to 12446point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very 12447fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are 12448often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people 12449from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B 12450that so many people from point B are so keen to get there. They often 12451wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell 12452they wanted to be. 12453 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 12454% 12455BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then 12456carefully print the chaff. 12457% 12458Byte your tongue. 12459% 12460C Code. 12461C Code Run. 12462Run, Code, RUN! 12463 PLEASE!!!! 12464% 12465C for yourself. 12466% 12467C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360. 12468% 12469C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that 12470harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. 12471 -- Bjarne Stroustrup 12472% 12473C, n: 12474 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like 12475 assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything 12476 else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or 12477 it isn't. 12478 -- Ray Simard 12479% 12480cabbage, n: 12481 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as 12482 a man's head. 12483 -- Ambrose Bierce 12484% 12485Cache: 12486 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one 12487 is supposed to know is there. 12488% 12489Cahn's Axiom: 12490 When all else fails, read the instructions. 12491% 12492California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. 12493 -- Fred Allen 12494% 12495Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God 12496and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your 12497coffee. 12498% 12499Call on God, but row away from the rocks. 12500 -- Indian proverb 12501% 12502Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the 12503current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled 12504damnation. 12505 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the 12506 Life of Hall" 12507 12508 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 12509 referring to logical names.] 12510% 12511Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target 12512Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept. 12513% 12514Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people! 12515 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" 12516% 12517Calm down, it's *only* ones and zeroes. 12518% 12519Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes, 12520Calm down, it's only bits and bytes, 12521Calm down, and speak to me in English, 12522Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites. 12523% 12524Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die." 12525Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?" 12526Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?" 12527% 12528Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. 12529 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 12530% 12531Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man 12532who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont. 12533 -- Clarence Darrow 12534% 12535Campbell's Law: 12536 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. 12537% 12538Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me. 12539% 12540Can anyone remember when the times 12541were not hard, and money not scarce? 12542% 12543Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? 12544Yes, work never begun. 12545% 12546Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the 12547only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price. 12548 -- Robert J. Ringer 12549% 12550Canada Bill Jones's Motto: 12551 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 12552 12553Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: 12554 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. 12555% 12556Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. 12557It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. 12558 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post 12559% 12560CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 12561 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy, 12562 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are 12563 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough 12564 when you're poor and unhappy. 12565% 12566Canonical, adj.: 12567 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story: 12568One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use 12569of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as 12570much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in. 12571Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like 12572fashion without thinking. 12573 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" 12574 Stallman: "What did he say?" 12575 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." 12576% 12577Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances. 12578 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test. 12579 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 12580% 12581Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar. 12582% 12583Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat. 12584% 12585Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for 12586the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all. 12587 -- John Maynard Keynes 12588% 12589CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) 12590 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important 12591 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much 12592 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are 12593 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers 12594 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha. 12595% 12596CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) 12597 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything 12598 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget 12599 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse. 12600% 12601CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) 12602 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do 12603 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn 12604 of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for 12605 too long as they tend to take root and become trees. 12606% 12607Captain Penny's Law: 12608 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and 12609 some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. 12610% 12611Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5... 12612% 12613Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. 12614Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, 12615mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it 12616takes. 12617% 12618Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print 12619the name Craney incorrectly. 12620 -- Jim Canrey 12621% 12622Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of 12623fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, 12624the same can be said of dirt. 12625% 12626carperpetuation, n: 12627 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen 12628 times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting 12629 it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 12630 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 12631% 12632Carson's Consolation: 12633 Nothing is ever a complete failure. 12634 It can always be used as a bad example. 12635% 12636Carson's Observation on Footwear: 12637 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too. 12638% 12639Carswell's Corollary: 12640 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, 12641 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse. 12642% 12643Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world. 12644 -- The Beach Boys 12645% 12646Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles. 12647 -- Howard Chaykin 12648% 12649Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so. 12650% 12651Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. 12652 -- Garrison Keillor 12653% 12654Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull 12655a sled through the snow. 12656% 12657Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind. 12658% 12659Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. 12660 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" 12661% 12662Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. 12663% 12664Caution: Keep out of reach of children. 12665% 12666CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. 12667% 12668CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude... 12669% 12670Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. 12671% 12672Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center 12673of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An 12674incorrect model can be a useful tool. 12675 -- Kelvin Throop III 12676% 12677Census Taker to Housewife: 12678Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? 12679% 12680Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543. 12681% 12682cerebral atrophy, n: 12683 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and 12684impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause 12685symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic 12686performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to 12687everday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort 12688and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become 12689victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying. 12690 12691cerebral darwinism, n: 12692 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed 12693through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of 12694alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through 12695the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die 12696first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the 12697imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity. 12698Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic 12699performance actually increases beyond previous levels. 12700% 12701Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. 12702Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you... something 12703Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out 12704 of it? 12705Jaka: Oooh. 12706Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? 12707 -- Cerebus, #6, "The Secret" 12708% 12709Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long 12710walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They 12711then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy 12712health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, 12713not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find 12714only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the 12715others who have tried it. 12716 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12717% 12718 12719Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the 12720most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of 12721Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which 12722reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression 12723nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would 12724but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground 12725nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)." 12726 -- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973 12727% 12728Certainly the game is rigged. 12729Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win. 12730 -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 12731% 12732Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, 12733But it's very funny -- 12734did you ever try buying them without money? 12735 -- Ogden Nash 12736% 12737C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre! 12738% 12739C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique. 12740 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341] 12741% 12742CF&C stole it, fair and square. 12743 -- Tim Hahn 12744% 12745Chairman of the Bored. 12746% 12747Chamberlain's Laws: 12748 1: The big guys always win. 12749 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken. 12750% 12751Champagne don't make me lazy. Cocaine don't drive me crazy. 12752Ain't nobody's business but my own. 12753 -- Taj Mahal 12754% 12755Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign. 12756 -- Anatole France 12757% 12758Change your thoughts and you change your world. 12759% 12760Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles. 12761 -- Kathleen Norris 12762% 12763Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world. 12764% 12765Chapter 1: 12766 The story so far: 12767 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made 12768a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. 12769% 12770Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay 12771 12772 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by 12773Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation 12774that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never 12775quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his 12776mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define 12777a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation 12778can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human 12779race in general. 12780% 12781character density, n.: 12782 The number of very weird people in the office. 12783% 12784Character is what you are in the dark! 12785 -- Lord John Whorfin 12786% 12787CHARITY: 12788 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there. 12789% 12790Charity begins at home. 12791 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 12792% 12793Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth? 12794Linus: To make others happy. 12795Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth? 12796% 12797Charlie was a chemist, 12798But Charlie is no more. 12799What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4. 12800% 12801Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" -- 12802without having asked any clear question. 12803% 12804Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap. 12805% 12806Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers... 12807they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key! 12808% 12809checkuary, n: 12810 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends 12811 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks. 12812% 12813Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. 12814% 12815Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality. 12816 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" 12817% 12818Chef, n: 12819 Any cook who swears in French. 12820% 12821Cheit's Lament: 12822 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you-- 12823 the next time he's in need. 12824% 12825CHEMICALS: 12826 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. 12827% 12828Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work. 12829% 12830Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks. 12831% 12832Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react. 12833% 12834Cheops' Law: 12835 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. 12836% 12837"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, 12838 which way I ought to go from here?" 12839"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 12840"I don't care much where--" said Alice. 12841"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat. 12842% 12843Chess tonight. 12844% 12845CHICAGO: 12846 Where the dead still vote... early and often! 12847% 12848Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: 12849 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn 12850headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". 12851 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 12852% 12853Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: 12854 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request 12855for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will 12856cheerfully baste you. 12857 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 12858% 12859Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?" 12860Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?" 12861% 12862Chicken Little was right. 12863% 12864Chicken Soup: 12865 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, 12866 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup 12867 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. 12868 -- Arthur Naiman 12869% 12870Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that 12871shivers when it's warm. 12872% 12873Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like 12874them. That's when they come over and violate your body space. 12875% 12876Children are natural mimics who act like their parents 12877despite every effort to teach them good manners. 12878% 12879Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're 12880going to catch you in next. 12881 -- Franklin P. Jones 12882% 12883Children aren't happy without something to ignore, 12884And that's what parents were created for. 12885 -- Ogden Nash 12886% 12887Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. 12888Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. 12889 -- Oscar Wilde 12890% 12891Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually 12892repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 12893% 12894Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. 12895 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" 12896% 12897Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks." 12898% 12899Chism's Law of Completion: 12900 The amount of time required to complete a government project is 12901 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. 12902% 12903Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: 12904 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. 12905% 12906Chocolate Chip. 12907% 12908Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as 12909a friend if she were a man. 12910 -- Joubert 12911% 12912Chorus: 12913 Grandma got run over by a reindeer, 12914 Walking home from our house Christmas eve. 12915 You can say there's no such thing as Santa, 12916 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe! 12917She'd been drinking too much eggnog, 12918And we begged her not to go. 12919But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning, 12920And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack. 12921 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead, 12922 And incriminating claus-marks on her 12923Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back. 12924He's been taking this so well. 12925See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and 12926Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors, 12927 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves! 12928 They should never give a license, 12929 To a man who drives a sleigh and 12930 plays with elves! 12931 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" 12932% 12933Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him. 12934% 12935Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found 12936difficult and not tried. 12937 -- G.K. Chesterton 12938% 12939Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. 12940 -- George Bernard Shaw 12941% 12942Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens; 12943Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens; 12944Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens, 12945Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again. 12946 12947On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll, 12948Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil, 12949There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil, 12950The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice. 12951 12952It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings, 12953It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things. 12954Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants, 12955What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay. 12956 Angels We Have Heard On High, 12957Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy. 12958Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo... 12959Driving his reindeer across the sky, 12960Don't stand underneath when they fly by! 12961 -- Tom Lehrer 12962% 12963Churchill's Commentary on Man: 12964 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, 12965 but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. 12966% 12967CIGARETTE: 12968 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, 12969 and a bit of tobacco in between. 12970% 12971CINEMUCK: 12972 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate 12973 which covers the floors of movie theaters. 12974 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 12975% 12976Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. 12977 -- Herodotus 12978% 12979Civilization and profits go hand in hand. 12980 -- Calvin Coolidge 12981% 12982Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening. 12983See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information. 12984% 12985Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. 12986 -- Mark Twain 12987% 12988clairvoyant, n.: 12989 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that 12990which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. 12991 -- Ambrose Bierce 12992% 12993Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who 12994aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy. 12995 -- Samuel Johnson 12996% 12997Clarke's Conclusion: 12998 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing. 12999% 13000Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class. 13001Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead. 13002 -- "Bugsy" Siegel 13003% 13004Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're 13005leading the parade. 13006 -- Bill Battie 13007% 13008Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. 13009 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings" 13010% 13011Clay's Conclusion: 13012 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. 13013% 13014Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling 13015the walk before it stops snowing. 13016 -- Phyllis Diller 13017 13018There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years 13019the dirt doesn't get any worse. 13020 -- Quentin Crisp 13021% 13022Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. 13023 -- P.J. O'Rourke 13024% 13025Cleanliness is next to impossible. 13026% 13027CLEVELAND: 13028 Where their last tornado did six 13029 million dollars worth of improvements. 13030% 13031Cleveland? 13032Yes, I spent a week there one day. 13033% 13034Climate and Surgery 13035 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who 13036received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at 13037the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the 13038day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be 13039riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially 13040recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery. 13041 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861 13042% 13043Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer. 13044 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?" 13045 "Well, yes, I am." 13046 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here." 13047 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse, 13048me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The 13049passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer, 13050please?" it asked the bartender. 13051 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped. 13052"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?" 13053 "No, I'm a frayed knot." 13054% 13055clone, n: 13056 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their 13057 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product 13058 is a clone of our product." 13059% 13060Clones are people two. 13061% 13062Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. 13063% 13064Clothes make the man. 13065Naked people have little or no influence on society. 13066 -- Mark Twain 13067% 13068Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: 13069 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated 13070 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, 13071 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft. 13072% 13073Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm? 13074Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one. 13075 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted 13076 13077Coach: How about a beer, Norm? 13078Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life. 13079 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted 13080 13081Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm? 13082Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in. 13083 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights 13084% 13085Coach: How's it going, Norm? 13086Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'. 13087 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences 13088 13089Sam: What's up, Norm? 13090Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there. 13091 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action 13092 13093Coach: What's the story, Norm? 13094Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it. 13095 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper 13096% 13097Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie? 13098Norm: Daddy wuvs you. 13099 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail 13100 13101Sam: What'd you like, Normie? 13102Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer. 13103 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man 13104 13105Sam: What will you have, Norm? 13106Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass 13107 of whatever comes out of that tap. 13108Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm. 13109Norm: Call me Mister Lucky. 13110 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner 13111% 13112Coach: What's up, Norm? 13113Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach. 13114 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights 13115 13116Coach: What's shaking, Norm? 13117Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach. 13118 -- Cheers, Snow Job 13119 13120Coach: Beer, Normie? 13121Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. 13122 Eh, why not, I'm still young. 13123 -- Cheers, Snow Job 13124% 13125COBOL: 13126 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 13127% 13128COBOL: 13129 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic. 13130% 13131COBOL is for morons. 13132 -- E.W. Dijkstra 13133% 13134Cobol programmers are down in the dumps. 13135% 13136COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 13137% 13138Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a 13139terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead. 13140% 13141Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- 13142I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. 13143 -- Ambrose Bierce 13144% 13145Cohen's Law: 13146 There is no bottom to worse. 13147% 13148Cohn's Law: 13149 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less 13150 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend 13151 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. 13152% 13153Coincidences are spiritual puns. 13154 -- G.K. Chesterton 13155% 13156COLD: 13157 When the politicians walk around 13158 with their hands in their own pockets. 13159% 13160Cold hands, no gloves. 13161% 13162Cole's Law: 13163 Thinly sliced cabbage. 13164% 13165COLLABORATION: 13166 A literary partnership based on the false 13167 assumption that the other fellow can spell. 13168% 13169COLLEGE: 13170 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink. 13171% 13172College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the 13173faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if 13174the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, 13175legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the 13176loss to humanity. 13177 -- H.L. Mencken 13178% 13179COLORADO: 13180 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel. 13181% 13182Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. 13183% 13184Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 13185 131860. integrated 0. management 0. options 131871. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility 131882. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability 131893. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility 131904. functional 4. digital 4. programming 131915. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept 131926. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase 131937. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection 131948. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware 131959. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency 13196 13197 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select 13198the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces 13199"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into 13200virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No 13201one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton, 13202"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it." 13203 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship" 13204% 13205Colvard's Logical Premises: 13206 All probabilities are 50%. 13207Either a thing will happen or it won't. 13208 13209Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: 13210 This is especially true when 13211 dealing with someone you're attracted to. 13212 13213Grelb's Commentary: 13214 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. 13215% 13216Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 13217And every vector dreams of matrices. 13218Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 13219It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 13220 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 13221% 13222Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring 13223Your winter garment of repentence fling. 13224The bird of time has but a little way 13225To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing. 13226 -- Omar Khayyam 13227% 13228Come home America. 13229 -- George McGovern, 1972 13230% 13231Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over, 13232Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober. 13233 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2 13234% 13235Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 13236Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 13237Their indices bedecked from one to n, 13238Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 13239 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 13240% 13241Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 13242Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 13243Their indices bedecked from one to n, 13244Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 13245 13246Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 13247And every vector dreams of matrices. 13248Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 13249It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 13250 13251In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space 13252Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. 13253Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, 13254We shall encounter, counting, face to face. 13255 -- The Cyberiad 13256% 13257Come live with me, and be my love, 13258And we will some new pleasures prove 13259Of golden sands, and crystal brooks, 13260With silken lines, and silver hooks. 13261 -- John Donne 13262% 13263Come live with me and be my love, 13264And we will some new pleasures prove 13265Of golden sands and crystal brooks 13266With silken lines, and silver hooks. 13267There's nothing that I wouldn't do 13268If you would be my POSSLQ. 13269 13270You live with me, and I with you, 13271And you will be my POSSLQ. 13272I'll be your friend and so much more; 13273That's what a POSSLQ is for. 13274 13275And everything we will confess; 13276Yes, even to the IRS. 13277Some day on what we both may earn, 13278Perhaps we'll file a joint return. 13279You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint; 13280You'll share my life - up to a point! 13281And that you'll be so glad to do, 13282Because you'll be my POSSLQ. 13283% 13284Come, muse, let us sing of rats! 13285 -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767 13286% 13287Come quickly, I am tasting stars! 13288 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne. 13289% 13290Come, you spirits 13291That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, 13292And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full 13293Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood, 13294Stop up the access and passage to remorse 13295That no compunctious visiting of nature 13296Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between 13297The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts, 13298And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers, 13299Wherever in your sightless substances 13300You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night, 13301And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell, 13302That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, 13303Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, 13304To cry `Hold, hold!' 13305 -- Lady MacBeth 13306% 13307Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public. 13308% 13309Coming to Stores Near You: 13310 13311101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring: 13312 13313 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog 13314 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing 13315 I'm Not Misbehaving 13316 13317And A Whole Lot More... 13318% 13319Coming together is a beginning; 13320 keeping together is progress; 13321 working together is success. 13322% 13323Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways. 13324 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 13325% 13326COMMITTMENT: 13327 Committment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. 13328 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. 13329% 13330Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. 13331 -- Josh Billings 13332 13333Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 13334 -- Albert Einstein 13335% 13336Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 13337 -- Albert Einstein 13338% 13339Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. 13340Everyone thinks he has enough. 13341 -- Descartes, 1637 13342% 13343Commoner's three laws of ecology: 13344 1) No action is without side-effects. 13345 2) Nothing ever goes away. 13346 3) There is no free lunch. 13347% 13348Communicate! It can't make things any worse. 13349% 13350Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software 13351has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It 13352either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade, 13353stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is 13354misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with 13355the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the 13356characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management. 13357 -- Dan Klein 13358% 13359COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler 13360one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal. 13361 -- J.N. Gray 13362% 13363Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, 13364is in the eye of the beholder. 13365 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 13366% 13367Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's 13368courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not 13369be enough. 13370 -- Gene Scott 13371% 13372COMPLEX SYSTEM: 13373 One with real problems and imaginary profits. 13374% 13375COMPLIMENT: 13376 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true. 13377% 13378compuberty, n: 13379 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a 13380 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and 13381 a sun4 is put online sharing files. 13382% 13383COMPUTER: 13384 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a 13385 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe 13386 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan. 13387% 13388Computer programmers do it byte by byte. 13389% 13390Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing. 13391% 13392Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available. 13393% 13394COMPUTER SCIENCE: 13395 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the 13396 precision of the former and the success of the latter. 13397 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms. 13398 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious. 13399 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities. 13400 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light. 13401 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. 13402% 13403Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view 13404adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance 13405 -- Jim Horning 13406% 13407Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 13408% 13409Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. 13410Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 13411 -- Gilb 13412% 13413Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. 13414 -- Pablo Picasso 13415% 13416Computers don't actually think. 13417 You just think they think. 13418 (We think.) 13419% 13420Conceit causes more conversation than wit. 13421 -- LaRouchefoucauld 13422% 13423CONCEPT: 13424 Any "idea" for which an outside 13425 consultant billed you more than $25,000. 13426% 13427Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed 13428from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. 13429 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 13430% 13431Condense soup, not books! 13432% 13433CONFERENCE: 13434 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear 13435 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what 13436 he's already decided to do. 13437% 13438Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; 13439confess them to man and you will be laughed at. 13440 -- Josh Billings 13441% 13442Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career. 13443% 13444Confession is good for the soul only in the sense 13445that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. 13446 -- Peter de Vries 13447% 13448Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for 13449the reputation. 13450 -- Lord Thomas Dewar 13451% 13452Confidant, confidante, n: 13453 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C. 13454 -- Ambrose Bierce 13455% 13456Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you 13457fall flag on your face. 13458 -- Dr. L. Binder 13459% 13460Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. 13461% 13462CONFIRMED BACHELOR: 13463 A man who goes through life without a hitch. 13464% 13465Conflicting research paradigms 13466Have legitimized various crimes. 13467 The worst we can see 13468 Is in psychology, 13469Measuring reaction times. 13470% 13471Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative. 13472% 13473Confucius say too damn much! 13474% 13475Confucius say too much. 13476 -- Recent Chinese Proverb 13477% 13478Confusion will be my epitaph 13479as I walk a cracked and broken path 13480If we make it we can all sit back and laugh 13481but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying. 13482 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King" 13483% 13484Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. 13485If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't 13486hesitate to ask! 13487% 13488Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would 13489give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you 13490undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. 13491Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL 13492CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T 13493YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH 13494THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH 13495SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS 13496CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING 13497TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES 13498RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? 13499 -- Dave Barry 13500% 13501Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. 13502 13503He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the 13504Year award. 13505% 13506Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime. 13507 13508 Mathematician's Proof: 13509 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all 13510 odd numbers are prime. 13511 Physicist's Proof: 13512 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental 13513 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... 13514 Engineer's Proof: 13515 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime. 13516 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... 13517 Computer Scientists's Proof: 13518 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime... 13519% 13520Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe. 13521% 13522Conscience doth make cowards of us all. 13523 -- Shakespeare 13524% 13525Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts 13526when everything else feels great. 13527% 13528Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. 13529 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy" 13530% 13531Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 13532% 13533CONSENT DECREE: 13534 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit 13535 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it 13536 never admitted to in the first place. 13537% 13538Conservative: 13539 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. 13540 -- Leo C. Rosten 13541% 13542Conservative, n: 13543 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished 13544 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. 13545 -- Ambrose Bierce 13546% 13547"Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..." 13548 -- Professor in the UCB physics department 13549% 13550Consider the following axioms carefully: 13551 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz." 13552 and 13553 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it." 13554What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The 13555thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to 13556consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke". 13557% 13558Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal 13559it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only. 13560 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 13561% 13562Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in 13563the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. 13564 -- Josh Billings 13565% 13566CONSULTANT: 13567 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell 13568 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title 13569 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have 13570 Calculator, Will Travel. 13571% 13572CONSULTANT: 13573 An ordinary man a long way from home. 13574% 13575CONSULTANT: 13576 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con 13577 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of 13578 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who 13579 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase 13580 and heavy wallet. 13581% 13582CONSULTANT: 13583 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a 13584 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth. 13585% 13586Consultants are mystical people who ask a 13587company for a number and then give it back to them. 13588% 13589CONSULTATION: 13590 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth." 13591% 13592Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by 13593the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will 13594we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always 13595will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and 13596seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom. 13597 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed. 13598% 13599"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and 13600if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" 13601 -- Lewis Carroll 13602% 13603Convention is the ruler of all. 13604 -- Pindar 13605% 13606CONVERSATION: 13607 A vocal competition in which the one who 13608 is catching his breath is called the listener. 13609% 13610Conversation enriches the understanding, 13611but solitude is the school of genius. 13612% 13613Conway's Law: 13614 In any organization there will always be one person who knows 13615 what is going on. 13616 13617 This person must be fired. 13618% 13619Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the 13620line-up. 13621 -- Raymond Chandler 13622% 13623COPYING MACHINE: 13624 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, 13625 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't 13626 interested in reading them. 13627% 13628Coronation, n: 13629 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible 13630 signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. 13631 -- Ambrose Bierce 13632% 13633Correction does much, but encouragement does more. 13634 -- Goethe 13635% 13636Correspondence Corollary: 13637 An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half 13638 your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory. 13639% 13640CORRUPT: 13641 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. 13642% 13643Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle 13644of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of 13645capitalism. 13646 -- Walter Lippmann 13647% 13648Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner. 13649His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. 13650 -- P.B.A. President E.J. Kiernan 13651% 13652Corry's Law: 13653 Paper is always strongest at the perforations. 13654% 13655Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell 13656at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure 13657the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse 13658mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention 13659being easier to stake. 13660% 13661Counting in binary is just like counting 13662in decimal -- if you are all thumbs. 13663 -- Glaser and Way 13664% 13665Counting in octal is just like counting 13666in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs. 13667 -- Tom Lehrer 13668% 13669Courage is fear that has said its prayers. 13670% 13671Courage is grace under pressure. 13672% 13673Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear. 13674 -- Mark Twain 13675% 13676Courage is your greatest present need. 13677% 13678court, n.: 13679 A place where they dispense with justice. 13680 -- Arthur Train 13681% 13682Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. 13683 -- William Congreve 13684% 13685COWARD: 13686 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 13687% 13688[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, 13689with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. 13690 -- Wernher von Braun 13691% 13692Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!! 13693% 13694Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking 13695process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical 13696attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an 13697enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable 13698and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference 13699between adequacy and excellence. 13700% 13701Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for 13702peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being 13703ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll 13704say it was obvious all along. 13705 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 13706% 13707Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing. 13708% 13709Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility; 13710sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube. 13711% 13712Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man. 13713 -- James Blish 13714% 13715CREDITOR: 13716 A man who has a better memory than a debtor. 13717% 13718Crenna's Law of Political Accountability: 13719 If you are the first to know about something bad, 13720 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, 13721 regardless of your formal duties. 13722% 13723Crime does not pay... as well as politics. 13724 -- A.E. Newman 13725% 13726CRITIC: 13727 A person who boasts himself hard to please 13728 because nobody tries to please him. 13729% 13730critic, n.: 13731 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries 13732 to please him. 13733 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13734% 13735Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship. 13736 -- Zeuxis 13737% 13738Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've 13739seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. 13740 -- Brendan Behan 13741% 13742Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? 13743 -- Socrates' last words 13744% 13745Croll's Query: 13746 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? 13747% 13748Cropp's Law: 13749 The amount of work done varies inversly 13750 with the time spent in the office. 13751% 13752Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them. 13753 -- Madonna 13754% 13755Cruickshank's Law of Committees: 13756 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it 13757 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so 13758 much work has already been done on it. 13759% 13760Crusade for Cthulu! It Found ME! 13761% 13762Crush! Kill! Destroy! 13763% 13764Cthulhu Cthucks! 13765% 13766Cthulhu for President! 13767 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.) 13768% 13769Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later. 13770% 13771Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why. 13772% 13773Cure the disease and kill the patient. 13774 -- Francis Bacon 13775% 13776CURSOR: 13777 One whose program will not run. 13778 -- Robb Russon 13779% 13780curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field 13781environment. 13782 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names, 13783addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial 13784matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more 13785people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don 13786Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG. 13787The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is 13788the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you 13789order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds". 13790Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses, 13791check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent, 13792possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10 13793columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples 13794cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still 13795with us. 13796 13797MOZ DONG n. 13798 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da 13799Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l 13800Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y. 13801 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 13802% 13803Custer committed Siouxicide. 13804% 13805Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight 13806of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat. 13807 -- Gerry Youghkins 13808 13809If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people 13810don't like it. 13811 -- Gerry Youghkins 13812% 13813Cutler Webster's Law: 13814 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person 13815 is personally involved, in which case there is only one. 13816% 13817Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It 13818eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the 13819business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." 13820 -- Johnny Hart 13821% 13822CYNIC: 13823 Experienced. 13824% 13825CYNIC: 13826 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. 13827% 13828Cynic, n: 13829 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, 13830 not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the 13831 Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 13832 -- Ambrose Bierce 13833% 13834Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why 13835several of us died of tuberculosis. 13836 -- Jack Handey 13837% 13838DALLAS: 13839 The city that chose Astroturf to 13840 keep the cheerleaders from grazing. 13841% 13842Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead. 13843% 13844Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor. 13845% 13846"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!" 13847% 13848Damn braces. 13849 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell" 13850% 13851Damn, I need a Coke! 13852 -- Dr. William DeVries 13853 [after implanting the first artificial human heart] 13854% 13855DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! 13856% 13857Dark and lonely on a summer night 13858 Kill my landlord, 13859 Kill my landlord. 13860The watchdog barkin' 13861Do he bite? 13862 Kill my landlord, 13863 Kill my landlord. 13864Slip in his window. 13865Break his neck. 13866Then his house I start to wreck 13867Got no reason, 13868What the heck? 13869 Kill my landlord, 13870 Kill my landlord. 13871 C-I-L-L my landlord! 13872 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL 13873% 13874Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the 13875opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember. 13876 -- Oliver Herford 13877% 13878Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold! 13879 -- Princess Leia Organa 13880% 13881Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. 13882% 13883DATA: 13884 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories. 13885% 13886DATA: 13887 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced 13888 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child. 13889% 13890David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans": 13891 13892 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO 13893 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE" 13894 * Hourly motel rates 13895 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here 13896 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II 13897 like some countries we could mention 13898 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies 13899 * Our well-behaved golf professionals 13900 * Fabulous babes coast to coast 13901% 13902Davis' Law of Traffic Density: 13903 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to 13904 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time. 13905% 13906Davis's Dictum: 13907 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves. 13908% 13909DAWN: 13910 The time when men of reason go to bed. 13911% 13912Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. 13913% 13914DEADWOOD: 13915 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are. 13916% 13917Dealing with failure is easy: 13918 Work hard to improve. 13919Success is also easy to handle: 13920 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. 13921% 13922Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. 13923Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work 13924hard to improve. 13925% 13926Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation, 13927all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year. 13928 -- C.N. Parkinson 13929% 13930Dear Emily: 13931 How can I choose what groups to post in? 13932 -- Confused 13933 13934Dear Confused: 13935 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After 13936all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you 13937should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate. 13938Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested. 13939 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event 13940that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you 13941expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the 13942header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in 13943the fringe groups. 13944 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13945% 13946Dear Emily: 13947 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to 13948summarize. What should I do? 13949 -- Editor 13950 13951Dear Editor: 13952 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post 13953that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the 13954replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when 13955summarizing a vote. 13956 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13957% 13958Dear Emily: 13959 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize." 13960What should I do? 13961 -- Doubtful 13962 13963Dear Doubtful: 13964 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to 13965dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are 13966much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by 13967mail. 13968 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13969% 13970Dear Emily: 13971 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should 13972I do? 13973 -- Angry 13974 13975Dear Angry: 13976 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments 13977between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article 13978looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long 13979point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and 13980lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges. 13981 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13982% 13983Dear Emily: 13984 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I 13985tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for 13986his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired. 13987Everybody laughed at me. What can I do? 13988 -- A Concerned Citizen 13989 13990Dear Concerned: 13991 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer 13992experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They 13993will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely 13994represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all 13995act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net 13996society. 13997 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things 13998like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they 13999understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant 14000literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if 14001possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper -- 14002they are always interested in good stories. 14003% 14004Dear Emily: 14005 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted 14006to. How about an example? 14007 -- Still Confused 14008 14009Dear Still: 14010 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from 14011the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey 14012would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a 14013big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy 14014as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try 14015news.admin. If not, use news.misc. 14016 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics. 14017He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also 14018interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to 14019soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to 14020news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of 14021interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as 14022well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles 14023there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.) 14024 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each 14025group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders 14026will only show the the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this. 14027 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 14028% 14029Dear Emily: 14030 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature. 14031What should I do? 14032 -- Forgetful 14033 14034Dear Forgetful: 14035 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says, 14036"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here 14037it is." 14038 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article, 14039(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy 14040signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more 14041about the signature anyway. 14042 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 14043% 14044Dear Emily, what about test messages? 14045 -- Concerned 14046 14047Dear Concerned: 14048 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test 14049merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please 14050ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips 14051a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female 14052but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth 14053by all USEnauts. 14054 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 14055% 14056Dear Freshman, 14057 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but 14058unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather 14059prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by 14060mistake, and you came to school here by mistake. 14061% 14062Dear Lord: 14063 I just want a one-armed manager so I 14064 never have to hear "On the other hand", again. 14065% 14066Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may 14067have to eat them. 14068% 14069Dear Miss Manners: 14070 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's 14071elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between 14072courses, is all right. Which is correct? 14073 14074Gentle Reader: 14075 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home 14076economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle 14077of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning 14078correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is. 14079% 14080Dear Miss Manners: 14081I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of 14082rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection? 14083This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella 14084protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting 14085soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken, 14086and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my 14087umbrella without seeming insulting? 14088 14089Gentle Reader: 14090Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper, 14091although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how 14092attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss 14093Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection 14094before making your attack. 14095% 14096Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of 14097this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be 14098watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for 14099a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky 14100Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food 14101such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete 14102breakfast". Doesn't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", 14103or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make 14104essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of 14105shaving cream there, or a dead bat? 14106 14107Answer: Yes. 14108 -- Dave Barry 14109% 14110Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? 14111 14112Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs 14113to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: 14114WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S. 14115Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered 14116small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random 14117words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. 14118 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 14119% 14120Dear Ms. Postnews: 14121 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What 14122 should I do? 14123 -- Eager Beaver 14124 14125Dear Eager: 14126 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people 14127read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm 14128posting it. All others please ignore." 14129 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning 14130over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective 14131time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet 14132maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute 14133your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call 14134directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost 14135as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call! 14136 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's 14137money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight 14138letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp! 14139 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through, 14140so post it as many places as you can. 14141 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 14142% 14143Dear Sir, 14144 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or 14145to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public 14146places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers 14147being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un- 14148employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry. 14149 Yours faithfully, 14150 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P. 14151 Sevenoaks 14152 -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London 14153% 14154DEATH: 14155 To stop sinning suddenly. 14156 -- Elbert Hubbard 14157% 14158Death before dishonor. 14159But neither before breakfast. 14160% 14161Death comes on every passing breeze, 14162He lurks in every flower; 14163Each season has its own disease, 14164Its peril -- every hour. 14165 --Reginald Heber 14166% 14167Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats. 14168% 14169Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort 14170of like a shell leaving the nut behind. 14171 -- Erma Bombeck 14172% 14173Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. 14174% 14175Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. 14176 -- R. Geis 14177% 14178Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. 14179% 14180Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. 14181% 14182Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 14183% 14184Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!! 14185% 14186DEATH WISH: 14187 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to. 14188% 14189Debug is human, de-fix divine. 14190% 14191DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale. 14192 -- Mel Ferentz 14193% 14194Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year. 14195erra, n: A mistake. 14196faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance. 14197Linder, n: A female name. 14198memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again. 14199New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States. 14200New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States. 14201Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year. 14202Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year. 14203ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the 14204 season is when the Knicks quit playing. 14205 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 14206% 14207DECISIONMAKER: 14208 The person in your office who was unable 14209 to form a task force before the music stopped. 14210% 14211Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over- 14212whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may 14213not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, 14214or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants 14215(unless struck by a boomerang). 14216 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. 14217% 14218Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature. 14219 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall" 14220% 14221Decorate your home. It gives the illusion 14222that your life is more interesting than it really is. 14223 -- C. Schultz 14224% 14225"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of 14226marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", 14227quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can 14228claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed. 14229 -- Randy Davis 14230% 14231DEFAULT: 14232 The hardware's, of course. 14233% 14234Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. 14235 -- Bill Musselman 14236% 14237#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) 14238#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ 14239 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ 14240 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) 14241 14242-- Count the number of bits in a word. 14243% 14244Deflector shields just came on, Captain. 14245% 14246(defun NF (a c) 14247 (cond ((null c) () ) 14248 ((atom (car c)) 14249 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c)))) 14250 (nf a (cddr c)))) 14251 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c)))))) 14252 14253(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area) 14254 (cond 14255 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes)) 14256 (not (equal boston-area 'yes)) 14257 (lessp challenging 7)) () ) 14258 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr) 14259 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1) 14260 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1) 14261 (car 2 caadr 4))) 14262 (list '851-5071x2661))))) 14263;;; We are an affirmative action employer. 14264% 14265DEJA VU: 14266 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite. 14267 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced 14268 something actually being encountered for the first time. 14269 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced 14270 something actually being encountered for the first time. 14271% 14272Delay is preferable to error. 14273 -- Thomas Jefferson 14274% 14275Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly. 14276 -- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1 14277 14278Here is a letter, read it at your leisure. 14279 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1 14280 14281 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 14282 referring to I/O system services.] 14283% 14284Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and 14285related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, 14286entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take 14287into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability 14288to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The 14289history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that 14290can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken 14291for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations 14292are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience. 14293 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD 14294 14295I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability 14296more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction 14297with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder 14298child. 14299 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman 14300% 14301DELIBERATION: 14302 The act of examining one's bread 14303 to determine which side it is buttered on. 14304% 14305Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. 14306% 14307Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever 14308skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious 14309to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an 14310overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic 14311apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless 14312as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a 14313steroid-free fitness center. 14314 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 14315% 14316Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about 14317her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad 14318nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth. 14319% 14320Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors. 14321 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 14322% 14323Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder 14324aloud what the country could do under first-class management. 14325 -- Senator Soaper 14326% 14327Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the 14328incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. 14329 -- G.B. Shaw 14330% 14331Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who 14332will get the blame. 14333 -- Laurence J. Peter 14334% 14335Democracy is also a form of worship. 14336It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. 14337 -- H.L. Mencken 14338% 14339Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them. 14340 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913 14341% 14342Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half 14343of the people are right more than half of the time. 14344 -- E.B. White 14345% 14346Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and 14347deserve to get it good and hard. 14348 -- H.L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916 14349% 14350Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other 14351forms that have been tried from time to time. 14352 -- Winston Churchill 14353% 14354Democracy, n: 14355 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting 14356or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude 14357toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward 14358law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based 14359upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without 14360restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license, 14361agitation, discontent, anarchy. 14362 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), 14363 since withdrawn. 14364% 14365Democracy, n: 14366 In which you say what you like and do what you're told. 14367 -- Gerald Barry 14368 14369The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a 14370Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship 14371you don't have to waste your time voting. 14372 -- Charles Bukowski 14373% 14374Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. 14375Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. 14376 14377Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. 14378The remainder is thrown out. 14379 14380Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes. 14381 14382Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. 14383Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage. 14384 14385Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car 14386windows by Democrats. 14387 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" 14388% 14389Dental health is next to mental health. 14390% 14391Dentist: 14392 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, 14393 pulls coins out of one's pockets. 14394 -- Ambrose Bierce 14395% 14396Denver, n: 14397 A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado. 14398% 14399Depart in pieces, i.e., split. 14400% 14401Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you. 14402% 14403Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties. 14404% 14405Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, 14406but remember, it didn't help the rabbit. 14407 -- R.E. Shay 14408% 14409Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face. 14410% 14411Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null - 14412und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt. 14413% 14414Design: 14415 What you regret not doing later on. 14416% 14417design, v: 14418 What you regret not doing later on. 14419% 14420Desist from enumerating your fowl 14421prior to their emergence from the shell. 14422% 14423Despite all appearances, your boss 14424is a thinking, feeling, human being. 14425% 14426Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will 14427be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over 14428the table. 14429 -- The Anarchist Cookbook 14430% 14431Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, 14432don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck. 14433 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows" 14434% 14435Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter. 14436% 14437DeVries' Dilemma: 14438 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, 14439 the one you don't want hits the paper. 14440% 14441Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of 14442fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch. 14443 -- L. Ron Hubbard 14444% 14445Dibble's First Law of Sociology: 14446 Some do, some don't. 14447% 14448Did it ever occur to you that fat chance 14449and slim chance mean the same thing? 14450 14451Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways? 14452% 14453Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control 14454has already been born? 14455 -- Benny Hill 14456% 14457Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think 14458that's how dogs spend their lives. 14459 -- Sue Murphy 14460% 14461Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed? 14462% 14463"Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?" 14464 -- Zippy the Pinhead 14465% 14466Did you hear about the model who sat 14467on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure? 14468% 14469Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and 14470Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently... 14471 14472Police suspect the work of a cereal killer! 14473% 14474Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship 14475the number zero? 14476 14477Is nothing sacred? 14478% 14479Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have 14480only recaptured 116 of them? 14481% 14482Did you know? 14483 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED, 14484 APPROXIMATELY 14485 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE 14486 KILLED 14487 14488 Come to the award-winning 1987 film, 14489 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams" 14490 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked. 14491 14492A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't. 14493 14494 SPONSORED BY 14495 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC) 14496 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility 14497 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL) 14498 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters 14499 14500Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!" 14501% 14502Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a 14503selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not 14504try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will 14505select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive 14506set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you 14507should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file. 14508% 14509Did you know that clones never use mirrors? 14510% 14511Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's? 14512 -- P.J. Plauger 14513% 14514Did you know the University of Iowa 14515closed down after someone stole the book? 14516% 14517Did you know.... 14518 14519That no-one ever reads these things? 14520% 14521Didja' ever have to make up your mind, 14522Pick up on one and leave the other behind, 14523It's not often easy, and it's not often kind, 14524Didja' ever have to make up your mind? 14525 -- Lovin' Spoonful 14526% 14527Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa? 14528% 14529"Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?" 14530 -- Zippy the Pinhead 14531% 14532Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore 14533would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him. 14534 -- John Barrymore's dying words 14535% 14536Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine. 14537 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989 14538% 14539Dieters live life in the fasting lane. 14540% 14541Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. 14542% 14543Digital circuits are made from analog parts. 14544 -- Don Vonada 14545% 14546Dignity is like a flag. 14547It flaps in a storm. 14548 -- Roy Mengot 14549% 14550Dime is money. 14551% 14552Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible 14553only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity, 14554for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 14555% 14556Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. 14557% 14558Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite): 14559 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce 14560 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast 14561 1 carton milk 14562% 14563Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees. 14564% 14565Diogenes, having abandoned his search for 14566truth, is now searching for a good fantasy. 14567% 14568Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone 14569asked him, after a few days. 14570 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." 14571% 14572Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. 14573Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon. 14574 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby 14575% 14576Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way. 14577% 14578Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way. 14579 -- Daniele Vare 14580% 14581Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock. 14582 -- Wynn Catlin 14583% 14584Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. 14585 -- Balfour 14586% 14587diplomacy, n: 14588 Lying in state. 14589% 14590Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics: 14591 14592 1: Get elected. 14593 2: Get re-elected. 14594 3: Don't get mad, get even. 14595 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen 14596% 14597disbar, n: 14598 As distinguished from some other bar. 14599% 14600Disc space -- the final frontier! 14601% 14602DISCLAIMER: 14603Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply 14604an endorsement of Western industrial civilization. 14605% 14606Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists. 14607% 14608Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 14609% 14610Disease can be cured; fate is incurable. 14611 -- Chinese proverb 14612% 14613Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead. 14614 -- Euripides 14615% 14616Disk crisis, please clean up! 14617% 14618Disks travel in packs. 14619% 14620Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics, 14621Benchmarks, and Delivery dates. 14622% 14623Distance doesn't make you any smaller, 14624but it does make you part of a larger picture. 14625% 14626DISTRESS: 14627 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. 14628% 14629Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight 14630acquaintance and without any visible reason. 14631 -- Lord Chesterfield 14632% 14633Ditat Deus. (God enriches.) 14634% 14635Divorce is a game played by lawyers. 14636 -- Cary Grant 14637% 14638Do clones have navels? 14639% 14640Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking. 14641 -- Amy Gorin 14642% 14643Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you. 14644% 14645Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? 14646% 14647Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more. 14648% 14649Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 14650% 14651Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. 14652% 14653Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. 14654 -- Aesop 14655% 14656Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome 14657your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in 14658a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding 14659cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any 14660of them ever committed suicide. 14661 -- Henry David Thoreau 14662% 14663Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. 14664Their tastes may not be the same. 14665 -- George Bernard Shaw 14666% 14667Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. 14668% 14669Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. 14670 -- Robert Heinlein 14671% 14672Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger. 14673% 14674Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, 14675for they become soggy and hard to light. 14676 14677Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, 14678for they are subtle and quick to anger. 14679% 14680Do not overtax your powers. 14681% 14682Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. 14683Violators will be prosecuted. 14684(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) 14685% 14686Do not seek death; death will find you. 14687But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment. 14688 -- Dag Hammarskjold 14689% 14690Do not simplify the design of a program if a way 14691can be found to make it complex and wonderful. 14692% 14693Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. 14694% 14695Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch. 14696% 14697Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive. 14698% 14699Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. 14700% 14701Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- 14702learn to dread each day as it comes. 14703 -- Donald Kaul 14704% 14705Do not underestimate the power of the Farce. 14706% 14707Do not underestimate the power of the Force. 14708% 14709Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native 14710word "lies". 14711 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck" 14712% 14713Do not use the blue keys on this terminal. 14714% 14715Do not worry about which side your 14716bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides. 14717% 14718Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate. 14719% 14720Do, or do not; there is no try. 14721% 14722Do people know you have freckles everywhere? 14723% 14724Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. 14725% 14726Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work? 14727% 14728Do unto others before they undo you. 14729% 14730Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. 14731% 14732Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. 14733 -- Aleister Crowley 14734% 14735Do what you can to prolong your life, 14736in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for. 14737% 14738Do you believe in intuition? 14739No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will. 14740% 14741Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage? 14742Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in? 14743Have you ever eaten an entire moose? 14744Can you see your neck? 14745Do joggers take laps around you for exercise? 14746If so, welcome to National Fat Week. 14747This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign, 14748 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person. 14749 -- Garfield 14750% 14751Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking? 14752% 14753Do YOU have redeeming social value? 14754% 14755Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa. 14756I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they 14757think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not 14758think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers 14759like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make 14760fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not 14761to think at all. 14762 -- T.H. White 14763% 14764Do you know Montana? 14765% 14766Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education 14767is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't. 14768 -- Pete Seeger 14769% 14770Do you mean that you not only want a wrong 14771answer, but a certain wrong answer? 14772 -- Tobaben 14773% 14774Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing 14775between Nixon and the White House. 14776 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960 14777% 14778Do you suffer painful elimination? 14779 -- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos" 14780 14781Do you suffer painful recrimination? 14782 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms" 14783 14784Do you suffer painful illumination? 14785 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics" 14786 14787Do you suffer painful hallucination? 14788 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda 14789% 14790Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 14791% 14792Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he 14793just whipped out a quarter? 14794 -- Stephen Wright 14795% 14796"Do you think there's a God?" 14797"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" 14798 -- Calvin and Hobbs 14799% 14800"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" 14801"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 14802"I've never done anything illegal before." 14803"I thought you said you were an accountant!" 14804% 14805Do you think your mother and I should have lived 14806comfortably so long together if ever we had been married? 14807% 14808Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home, 14809your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is 14810your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous? 14811Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident? 14812Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman. 14813 -- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement 14814% 14815Do your otters do the shimmy? 14816Do they like to shake their tails? 14817Do your wombats sleep in tophats? 14818Is your garden full of snails? 14819% 14820Do your part to help preserve life on 14821Earth -- by trying to preserve your own. 14822% 14823Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with 14824little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives. 14825 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. 14826% 14827Documentation: 14828 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English 14829 speaking persons. 14830% 14831Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must 14832be good because the programmers hate it so much. 14833% 14834Documentation is the castor oil of programming. 14835Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much. 14836% 14837Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted? 14838Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student? 14839Does a good father allow a single child to starve? 14840Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code? 14841 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 14842% 14843Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle? 14844% 14845Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 14846% 14847Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people 14848and the rest of us. 14849% 14850Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park. 14851% 14852Doing gets it done. 14853% 14854Domestic happiness and faithful friends. 14855% 14856Don 14857Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! 14858 Was she pretty? 14859W.C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of 14860 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have 14861 to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. 14862Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. 14863W.C.: It's almost impossible. 14864 -- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E. 14865 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" 14866% 14867Don't abandon hope. 14868Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 14869% 14870Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may 14871have got him. 14872% 14873Don't be concerned, it will not harm you, 14874It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of, 14875Across my dreams, with neptive wonder, 14876I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love. 14877% 14878Don't be humble, you're not that great. 14879 -- Golda Meir 14880% 14881Don't be humble, you're not that great. 14882 -- Golda Meir 14883% 14884Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't 14885be replaced, you cannot be promoted. 14886% 14887Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 14888% 14889Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted. 14890% 14891Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. 14892% 14893Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote 14894than I have to. 14895 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy. 14896% 14897Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. 14898% 14899Don't confuse things that need action 14900with those that take care of themselves. 14901% 14902Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! 14903% 14904Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers! 14905 -- Firesign Theatre 14906% 14907Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner. 14908% 14909Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day. 14910 -- Josh Billings 14911% 14912Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. 14913 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North 14914% 14915Don't do unto others as you would they should do unto you. 14916Their tastes may not be the same. 14917 -- G.B. Shaw 14918% 14919Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it. 14920% 14921Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail. 14922 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard 14923% 14924Don't eat yellow snow. 14925% 14926Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back. 14927% 14928Don't everyone thank me at once! 14929 -- Han Solo 14930% 14931Don't expect people to keep in step-- 14932it's hard enough just staying in line. 14933% 14934Don't feed the bats tonight. 14935% 14936Don't force it, get a larger hammer. 14937 -- Anthony 14938% 14939Don't get even, get odd. 14940% 14941Don't get mad, get even. 14942 -- Joseph P. Kennedy 14943 14944Don't get even, get jewelry. 14945 -- Anonymous 14946% 14947Don't get mad, get interest. 14948% 14949Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. 14950% 14951Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they 14952can be terribly misleading. Debug only code. 14953 -- Dave Storer 14954% 14955Don't get to bragging. 14956% 14957Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. 14958The world owes you nothing. It was here first. 14959 -- Mark Twain 14960% 14961Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. 14962% 14963Don't go to bed with no price on your head. 14964 -- Baretta 14965% 14966Don't guess - check your security regulations. 14967% 14968Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. 14969% 14970Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them. 14971% 14972Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. 14973% 14974Don't I know you? 14975% 14976Don't interfere with the stranger's style. 14977% 14978Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it. 14979 -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs 14980% 14981Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever. 14982% 14983Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. 14984% 14985Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. 14986% 14987Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom. 14988Probably soon after she throws me out. 14989% 14990Don't let go of what you've got hold of, 14991until you have hold of something else. 14992 -- First Rule of Wing Walking 14993% 14994Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do; 14995don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you; 14996don't let nobody tell you what you got to do, 14997or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow... 14998remember, if you don't follow your dreams, 14999you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow... 15000 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow" 15001% 15002Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. 15003% 15004Don't let your status become too quo! 15005% 15006Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. 15007% 15008Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you. 15009% 15010Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. 15011% 15012Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder. 15013% 15014Don't lose 15015Your head 15016To gain a minute 15017You need your head 15018Your brains are in it. 15019 -- Burma Shave 15020% 15021Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything. 15022% 15023Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. 15024 -- Scottish Proverb 15025% 15026Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that. 15027% 15028Don't plan any hasty moves. 15029You'll be evicted soon anyway. 15030% 15031Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because 15032if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow. 15033% 15034Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted. 15035 -- Miguel de Cervantes 15036% 15037Don't quit now, we might just as well 15038lock the door and throw away the key. 15039% 15040Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks. 15041% 15042Don't read everything you believe. 15043% 15044Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together. 15045% 15046Don't remember what you can infer. 15047 -- Harry Tennant 15048% 15049Don't say "yes" until I finish talking. 15050 -- Darryl F. Zanuck 15051% 15052Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side. 15053% 15054Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors. 15055 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" 15056% 15057Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat. 15058% 15059Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him. 15060% 15061Don't steal... the IRS hates competition! 15062% 15063Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding. 15064% 15065Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros. 15066 -- P. Skelly 15067% 15068Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card. 15069 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft 15070% 15071Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive. 15072% 15073Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, 15074sodomy and the lash. 15075 -- Winston Churchill 15076% 15077Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. 15078% 15079Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. 15080 -- James J. Ling 15081% 15082Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. 15083I know better. The things I worry about don't happen. 15084 -- Watchman Examiner 15085% 15086Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud. 15087% 15088Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it. 15089 -- Lazarus Long 15090% 15091Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free 15092with my breakfast cereal. 15093 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox 15094% 15095Don't vote - it only encourages them! 15096% 15097Don't wake me up too soon... 15098Gonna take a ride across the moon... 15099You and me. 15100% 15101Don't worry. Life's too long. 15102 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr. 15103% 15104Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid. 15105% 15106Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas 15107are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. 15108 -- Howard Aiken 15109% 15110Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. 15111It's already tomorrow in Australia. 15112 -- Charles Schultz 15113% 15114Don't Worry, Be Happy. 15115 -- Meher Baba 15116% 15117Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, 15118you can always take something for it. 15119% 15120Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. 15121They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. 15122% 15123Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think. 15124% 15125Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? 15126% 15127"Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?" 15128"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 15129"Well, I've never done anything illegal before." 15130"... I thought you said you were an accountant." 15131% 15132Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely 15133want to help you could agree with each other? 15134% 15135Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition? 15136% 15137Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get 15138you through times of no dope. 15139 -- Gilbert Shelton 15140% 15141Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain? 15142Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people 15143 without brains do an awful lot of talking. 15144 -- The Wizard of Oz 15145% 15146Double! 15147% 15148Double Bucky, you're the one, 15149You make my keyboard so much fun, 15150Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o) 15151Control and meta, side by side, 15152Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide! 15153Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! 15154 15155Oh, I sure wish that I, 15156Had a couple of bits more! 15157Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. 15158 15159Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right 15160OR'd together, outta sight! 15161Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of, 15162Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of, 15163Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! 15164 -- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit 15165 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use 15166 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"] 15167% 15168double-blind Experiment, n: 15169 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is 15170fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied 15171by a strong belief in the tooth fairy. 15172% 15173Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one. 15174 -- Voltaire 15175% 15176Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. 15177 -- Voltaire 15178% 15179Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. 15180 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian. 15181% 15182Down to the Banana Republics, 15183Down to the tropical sun. 15184Go the expatriated Americans, 15185Hoping to find some fun. 15186Some of them go for the sailing, 15187Caught by the lure of the sea. 15188Trying to find what is ailing, 15189Living in the land of the free. 15190Some of them are running from lovers, 15191Leaving no forward address. 15192Some of them are running tons of ganja, 15193Some are running from the IRS. 15194Late at night you will find them, 15195In the cheap hotels and bars. 15196Hustling the senoritas, 15197While they dance beneath the stars. 15198 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics" 15199% 15200Down with the categorical imperative! 15201% 15202Dow's Law: 15203 In a hierarchical organization, 15204 the higher the level, the greater the confusion. 15205% 15206Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed 15207by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy 15208of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that 15209time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to 15210kill him. 15211 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac" 15212% 15213Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet 15214 15215The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve 15216that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's 15217Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added 15218luxury that you never feel hungry. 15219 15220Here's how the diet works: 15221 15222 FOODS ALLOWED 15223First Month: One egg 15224Second Month: A raisin 15225Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. 15226 15227If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try 15228lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you. 15229% 15230Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde. 15231% 15232Dr. Livingston? 15233Dr. Livingston I. Presume? 15234% 15235Draft beer, not people. 15236% 15237Drakenberg's Discovery: 15238 If you can't seem to find your glasses, 15239 it's probably because you don't have them on. 15240% 15241Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 15242% 15243Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations. 15244% 15245Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. 15246% 15247Drew's Law of Highway Biology: 15248 The first bug to hit a clean windshield 15249 lands directly in front of your eyes. 15250% 15251Drilling for oil is boring. 15252% 15253Drink and dance and laugh and lie 15254Love, the reeling midnight through 15255For tomorrow we shall die! 15256(But, alas, we never do.) 15257 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism" 15258% 15259Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying. 15260% 15261Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for 15262instant motor skills. 15263 -- Marc Price 15264% 15265Drinking is not a spectator sport. 15266 -- Jim Brosnan 15267% 15268Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin 15269with, that it's compounding a felony. 15270 -- Robert Benchley 15271% 15272Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam: 15273that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals. 15274 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro" 15275% 15276Drive defensively, buy a tank. 15277% 15278Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to 15279avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever 15280jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the 15281brush after them. 15282% 15283Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out 15284of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever 15285seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a 15286priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. 15287"Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your 15288life!" 15289% 15290Drop that pickle! 15291% 15292DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!! 15293 -- The Adventurer 15294% 15295Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past. 15296 -- The Adventurer 15297% 15298drug, n: 15299 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific 15300 paper. 15301% 15302Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! 15303% 15304Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a 15305lot a poker. 15306 -- Karyl Roosevelt 15307% 15308Ducharme's Precept: 15309 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. 15310 15311Ducharme's Axiom: 15312 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize 15313 yourself as part of the problem. 15314% 15315Duckies are fun! 15316% 15317Ducks? What ducks?? 15318% 15319Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, 15320and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 15321 -- Carl Zwanzig 15322% 15323Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the 15324production of great leaders has been discontinued. 15325% 15326Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your 15327fate and captain of your soul. 15328% 15329Due to circumstances beyond your control, 15330you are master of your fate and captain of your soul. 15331% 15332Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence. 15333% 15334During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has 15335been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, 15336pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; 15337in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution. 15338 -- James Madison 15339% 15340During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down 15341several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~ 15342{o[po ~poodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o 15343% 15344During the Reagan-Mondale debates: 15345 15346Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to 15347 perform as president?" 15348Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and 15349 inexperience." 15350% 15351During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a 15352fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships; 15353and fly your colors proudly. 15354% 15355Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! 15356Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it! 15357 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks" 15358% 15359Duty, n: 15360 What one expects from others. 15361 -- Oscar Wilde 15362% 15363Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have 15364nothing whatever to do with it. 15365 -- W. Somerset Maughm, his last words 15366% 15367Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult. 15368 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed. 15369% 15370Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. 15371 -- Woody Allen 15372% 15373E = MC ** 2 +- 3db 15374% 15375E Pluribus UNIX. 15376% 15377Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life. 15378% 15379Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs. 15380 -- Kernighan 15381% 15382Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of 15383Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe, 15384worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and 15385imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic 15386typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in 15387the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central 15388corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices. 15389Infalliable doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs 15390in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the 15391offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds 15392a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer, 15393then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother 15394company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological 15395competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's 15396orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself. 15397 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 15398% 15399Each of us bears his own Hell. 15400 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 15401% 15402Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs 15403in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a 15404university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two 154053 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record. 15406% 15407Each person has the right to take the subway. 15408% 15409EARL GREY PROFILES 15410 15411NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard 15412OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese 15413AGE: 94 15414BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector 15415EYES: Grey 15416SKIN: Tanned 15417HAIR: Not much 15418LAST MAGAZINE READ: 15419 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly 15420TEA: Earl Grey. Hot. 15421 15422EARL GREY NEVER VARIES. 15423% 15424Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management 15425science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about 1542621st century aircraft: 15427 15428 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will 15429 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the 15430 pilot if he touches anything. 15431 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988 15432% 15433Early to bed and early to rise and you'll 15434be groggy when everyone else is wide awake. 15435% 15436Early to rise and early to bed makes 15437a man healthy and wealthy and dead. 15438 -- James Thurber 15439% 15440Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends. 15441% 15442Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven. 15443% 15444/earth: file system full. 15445% 15446/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. 15447% 15448Earth is a great funhouse without the fun. 15449 -- Jeff Berner 15450% 15451Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. 15452 15453Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of 15454side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath 15455-- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. 15456% 15457Easy come and easy go, 15458 some call me easy money, 15459Sometimes life is full of laughs, 15460 and sometimes it ain't funny 15461You may think that I'm a fool 15462 and sometimes that is true, 15463But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire, 15464 with or without you. 15465 -- Hoyt Axton 15466% 15467Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it. 15468 -- Harry Secombe's diet 15469% 15470Eat drink and be merry! Tommorrow you may be in Utah. 15471% 15472Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet. 15473% 15474Eat one live frog the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will 15475happen to either of you for the rest of the day. 15476% 15477Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse 15478will happen to you the rest of the day. 15479 15480[Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.] 15481% 15482Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway. 15483% 15484Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy. 15485% 15486Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation. 15487% 15488Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. 15489 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 15490% 15491economics, n.: 15492 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith. 15493 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 15494% 15495Economies of scale: 15496 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want 15497 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one 15498 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith 15499 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected 15500 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all 15501 those limitations. 15502% 15503economist, n: 15504 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough 15505 personality to become an accountant. 15506% 15507Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would 15508turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't. 15509 -- Robert Orben 15510% 15511Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a 15512percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. 15513 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 15514% 15515Editing is a rewording activity. 15516% 15517Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and 15518demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want. 15519 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897 15520% 15521Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to 15522time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. 15523 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist" 15524% 15525Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. 15526 -- Daniel J. Boorstin 15527% 15528Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. 15529 -- Irwin Edman 15530% 15531Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten. 15532 -- B.F. Skinner 15533% 15534Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead 15535to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters 15536of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with 15537royal-blue chickens. 15538 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 15539% 15540Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, 15541The spirits are about to speak... 15542% 15543Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. 15544 -- Adlai Stevenson 15545% 15546Ego sum ens omnipotens 15547% 15548Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature 15549to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. 15550 -- Bellamy Brooks 15551% 15552Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity. 15553% 15554Egotism, n: 15555 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. 15556 15557Egotist, n: 15558 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. 15559 -- Ambrose Bierce 15560% 15561egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0 15562% 15563Ehrman's Commentary: 15564 1. Things will get worse before they get better. 15565 2. Who said things would get better? 15566% 15567Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. 15568 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star 15569% 15570...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his 15571original joy his falling in love with Ada. 15572 -- Nabokov 15573% 15574Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because 15575God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software 15576engineer. 15577 -- Fred Brooks 15578% 15579Eisenhower was very nice, 15580Nixon was his only vice. 15581 -- C. Degen 15582% 15583Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. 15584 -- Groucho Marx' last words 15585% 15586ELBONICS: 15587 The actions of two people maneuvering for one 15588 armrest in a movie theatre. 15589 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 15590% 15591Eleanor Rigby 15592Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen 15593Lives in a dream 15594Waits for a signal, finding some code that will 15595 make the machine do some more. 15596What is it for? 15597 15598All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 15599All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 15600 15601Hacker MacKensie 15602Writing the code for a program that no one will run 15603It's nearly done 15604Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's 15605 nobody there. 15606What does he care? 15607 15608All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 15609All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 15610Ah, look at all the lonely users. 15611Ah, look at all the lonely users. 15612% 15613ELECTRIC JELL-O 15614 156152 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin 156162 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water 156171/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol 15618 15619Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til 15620 fully dissolved. 15621Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.) 15622Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing 15623 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.) 15624Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol. 15625Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for 15626 the faint of heart. 15627Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.) 15628Cut into squares and enjoy! 15629 15630WARNING: 15631 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for 15632 children under eight years of age. 15633% 15634Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. 15635% 15636Electrocution, n: 15637 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. 15638% 15639Elegance and truth are inversely related. 15640 -- Becker's Razor 15641% 15642Elephant, n: 15643 A mouse built to government specifications. 15644% 15645Elevators smell different to midgets. 15646% 15647Eleventh Law of Acoustics: 15648 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between 15649 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they 15650 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with 15651 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct 15652 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can 15653 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, 15654 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. 15655% 15656Eli and Bessie went to sleep. 15657In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli. 15658 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!" 15659Half asleep, Eli murmured, 15660 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?" 15661% 15662Elliptic paraboloids for sale. 15663% 15664Elliptical, n: 15665 The feel of a kiss. 15666% 15667Eloquence is logic on fire. 15668% 15669Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am? 15670Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western. 15671% 15672Emacs, n: 15673 A slow-moving parody of a text editor. 15674% 15675Emersons' Law of Contrariness: 15676 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do 15677 what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them 15678 for it. 15679% 15680Encyclopedia for sale by father. 15681Son knows everything. 15682% 15683Encyclopedia Salesmen: 15684 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police 15685 and tell them your house is being burgled. 15686 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 15687% 15688Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless. 15689Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop. 15690 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 15691% 15692Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning 15693Endless the quest; 15694I turn again, back to my own beginning, 15695And here, find rest. 15696% 15697Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of 15698property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline 15699of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed. 15700 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine" 15701% 15702Engineering: "How will this work?" 15703Science: "Why will this work?" 15704Management: "When will this work?" 15705Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?" 15706% 15707English literature's performing flea. 15708 -- Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse 15709% 15710Engram, n: 15711 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram." 157122. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer 15713in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature 15714of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists, 15715psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson 15716and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved 15717conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of 15718thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory 15719was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only 15720ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that 15721time.] 15722 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary, 15723 3rd edition, 2007 A.D. 15724% 15725enhance, v: 15726 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment. 15727% 15728Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May. 15729% 15730Enjoy yourself while you're still old. 15731% 15732Entreprenuer, n: 15733 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather 15734 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success. 15735% 15736Entropy isn't what it used to be. 15737% 15738Entropy requires no maintenance. 15739 -- Markoff Chaney 15740% 15741Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors. 15742 -- Onasander 15743% 15744Envy, n: 15745 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage, 15746 instead of having to try and acquire one. 15747% 15748Enzymes are things invented by biologists 15749that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. 15750 -- Jerome Lettvin 15751% 15752Equal bytes for women. 15753% 15754Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me. 15755 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader 15756% 15757Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. 15758 "Ever since they threatened to fire me." 15759% 15760Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 15761 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 15762Und aller-mumsige Burggoven 15763 Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. 15764% 15765Eschew obfuscation. 15766% 15767Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology. 15768 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360 15769% 15770E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.) 15771% 15772Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. 15773 -- Woody Allen 15774% 15775Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end? 15776 -- Tom Stoppard 15777% 15778Etiquette is for those with no breeding; 15779fashion for those with no taste. 15780% 15781Etymology, n: 15782 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that 15783 were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was 15784 formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), 15785 and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are 15786 hard to swallow." 15787 -- Mike Kellen 15788% 15789Euch ist becannt, was wir beduerfen; 15790Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen. 15791 -- Goethe, "Faust" 15792% 15793Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of 15794the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to 15795Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation 15796Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain, 15797Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman 15798Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to 15799make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return 15800them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be 15801a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing 15802the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that 15803they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed 15804over roulette. 15805 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie" 15806% 15807Eureka! 15808 -- Archimedes 15809% 15810Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns. 15811% 15812Even a cabbage may look at a king. 15813% 15814Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. 15815% 15816Even a man who is pure at heart, 15817And says his prayers at night 15818Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, 15819And the moon is full and bright. 15820 -- The Wolf Man, 1941 15821% 15822Even God cannot change the past. 15823 -- Joseph Stalin 15824% 15825Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. 15826 -- Menander 15827% 15828Even if you do learn to speak correct 15829English, whom are you going to speak it to? 15830 -- Clarence Darrow 15831% 15832Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me. 15833 -- Aristophanes 15834% 15835Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. 15836 -- Will Rogers 15837% 15838Even in the moment of our earliest kiss, 15839When sighed the straitened bud into the flower, 15840Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this; 15841And that I knew, though not the day and hour. 15842Too season-wise am I, being country-bred, 15843To tilt at autumn or defy the frost: 15844Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did, 15845I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost." 15846I only hoped, with the mild hope of all 15847Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree, 15848A fairer summer and a later fall 15849Than in these parts a man is apt to see, 15850And sunny clusters ripened for the wine: 15851I tell you this across the blackened vine. 15852 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of 15853 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931 15854% 15855Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess. 15856% 15857Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling 15858just a bit unchivalrous... 15859 -- Robert Benchley 15860% 15861Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. 15862 -- Kehlog Albran 15863% 15864Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. 15865 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 15866% 15867Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United 15868States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day. 15869% 15870Events are not affected, they develop. 15871 -- Sri Aurobindo 15872% 15873Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book? 15874% 15875Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's 15876bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes? 15877% 15878Ever get the feeling that the world's 15879on tape and one of the reels is missing? 15880 -- Rich Little 15881% 15882Ever notice that even the busiest people are 15883never too busy to tell you just how busy they are? 15884% 15885Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"? 15886Simple coincidence? 15887Maybe... 15888% 15889Ever Onward! Ever Onward! 15890That's the sprit that has brought us fame. 15891We're big but bigger we will be, 15892We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity 15893Has been our aim. 15894Our products now are known in every zone. 15895Our reputation sparkles like a gem. 15896We've fought our way thru 15897And new fields we're sure to conquer, too 15898For the Ever Onward IBM! 15899 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 15900% 15901Ever Onward! Ever Onward! 15902We're bound for the top to never fall, 15903Right here and now we thankfully 15904Pledge sincerest loyalty 15905To the corporation that's the best of all 15906Our leaders we revere and while we're here, 15907Let's show the world just what we think of them! 15908So let us sing men -- Sing men 15909Once or twice, then sing again 15910For the Ever Onward IBM! 15911 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 15912% 15913Ever since I was a young boy, 15914I've hacked the ARPA net, 15915From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal, 15916Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo, 15917But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in, 15918On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root, 15919That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's, 15920Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint, 15921 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, 15922 Sure sends a mean packet. 15923He's a UNIX wizard, 15924There has to be a twist. 15925The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions, 15926Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells, 15927How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing, 15928I don't know. Types by sense of smell, 15929What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs, 15930 The proper bit flags set, 15931 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, 15932 Sure sends a mean packet. 15933 -- UNIX Wizard 15934% 15935Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper? 15936% 15937Ever wonder why fire engines are red? 15938 15939Because newspapers are read too. 15940Two and Two is four. 15941Four and four is eight. 15942Eight and four is twelve. 15943There are twelve inches in a ruler. 15944Queen Mary was a ruler. 15945Queen Mary was a ship. 15946Ships sail the sea. 15947There are fishes in the sea. 15948Fishes have fins. 15949The Fins fought the Russians. 15950Russians are red. 15951Fire engines are always rush'n. 15952Therefore fire engines are red. 15953% 15954Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer 15955technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation. 15956The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in 15957computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long 15958Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis- 15959trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard 15960one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the 15961"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly; 15962there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed 15963computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using 15964ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when 15965anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper 15966said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred 15967them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons 15968Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in 15969question." 15970 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in 15971 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.] 15972% 15973Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain 15974the last but one. 15975 -- Adolph Hitler 15976% 15977Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. 15978Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. 15979% 15980Every cloud engenders not a storm. 15981 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 15982% 15983Every cloud has a silver lining; 15984you should have sold it, and bought titanium. 15985% 15986Every country has the government it deserves. 15987 -- Joseph De Maistre 15988% 15989Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. 15990% 15991Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different. 15992% 15993Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. 15994 -- Lenny Bruce 15995% 15996Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats. 15997% 15998Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired 15999signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not 16000fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not 16001spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the 16002genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not 16003a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it 16004is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. 16005 -- Dwight Eisenhower, 1953 16006% 16007Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. 16008 -- Don Vonada 16009% 16010Every love's the love before 16011In a duller dress. 16012 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary" 16013% 16014Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended, 16015or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar. 16016Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk 16017only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other 16018subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his 16019own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured 16020by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to 16021philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted, 16022but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find 16023in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass. 16024 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 16025% 16026Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. 16027 -- Miguel de Cervantes 16028% 16029Every man takes the limits of his own field 16030of vision for the limits of the world. 16031 -- Schopenhauer 16032% 16033Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich 16034and powerful know that he is. 16035 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark" 16036% 16037Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect 16038that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers 16039and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the 16040essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural 16041inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued 16042forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters. 16043 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William 16044% 16045Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done 16046it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that. 16047 -- Barrie 16048% 16049Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster 16050than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up. 16051It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. 16052It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes 16053up, you'd better be running. 16054% 16055Every morning is a Smirnoff morning. 16056% 16057Every night my prayers I say, 16058 And get my dinner every day; 16059And every day that I've been good, 16060 I get an orange after food. 16061The child that is not clean and neat, 16062 With lots of toys and things to eat, 16063He is a naughty child, I'm sure-- 16064 Or else his dear papa is poor. 16065 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 16066% 16067Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so! 16068But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and 16069when they aren't. 16070 16071 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying. 16072 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying. 16073 When a politician scratches his colar bone, he isn't lying. 16074 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying! 16075% 16076Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by 16077the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he 16078sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted. 16079 -- Morris Kline 16080% 16081Every path has its puddle. 16082% 16083Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have 16084drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. 16085 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 16086% 16087Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one 16088instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program 16089can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. 16090% 16091Every program has (at least) two purposes: 16092 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. 16093% 16094Every silver lining has a cloud around it. 16095% 16096Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was 16097eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is 16098bend a disk. 16099 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, 16100 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support 16101 of their movement. 16102% 16103Every successful person has had failures 16104but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success. 16105% 16106Every suicide is a solution to a problem. 16107 -- Jean Baechler 16108% 16109Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory. 16110% 16111Every time I lose weight, it finds me again! 16112% 16113Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. 16114% 16115Every time you manage to close the door on 16116Reality, it comes in through the window. 16117% 16118Every why hath a wherefore. 16119 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors" 16120% 16121Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. 16122 -- Beckett 16123% 16124Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is 16125the best one. 16126 -- Jack Hurley 16127% 16128Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that 16129called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all 16130the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed; 16131otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded 16132and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off. 16133Finally the company president called Sam into his office. 16134 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's 16135a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign, 16136you're fired. As of right now." 16137 Sam signed the papers immediately. 16138 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you 16139couldn't have signed earlier?" 16140 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so 16141clearly before." 16142% 16143Everybody has something to conceal. 16144 -- Humphrey Bogart 16145% 16146Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and 16147if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me. 16148% 16149Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 16150 -- Dykstra 16151% 16152Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their 16153fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the 16154good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay 16155poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows. 16156 16157Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain 16158lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog 16159just died. 16160 16161Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates 16162and long stem rose. Everybody knows. 16163 16164Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really 16165do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or 16166two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people 16167you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows. 16168 16169And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you. 16170And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two. 16171Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton 16172for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows. 16173 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows" 16174% 16175Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. 16176 -- Arthur Miller 16177% 16178Everybody needs a little love sometime; 16179stop hacking and fall in love! 16180% 16181Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 16182% 16183Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had 16184to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers. 16185% 16186Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement. 16187% 16188Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. 16189% 16190Everyone is entitled to my opinion. 16191% 16192Everyone is in the best seat. 16193 -- John Cage 16194% 16195Everyone is more or less mad on one point. 16196 -- Rudyard Kipling 16197% 16198Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic 16199formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the 16200scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact 16201wholly unconcerned with what DOES exist. Indeed, the banality of 16202existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us 16203to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking 16204the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: 16205the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were 16206all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely 16207different way... 16208% 16209Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes 16210to get them. 16211 -- Dirty Harry 16212% 16213Everyone was born right-handed. 16214Only the greatest overcome it. 16215% 16216Everyone who comes in here wants three things: 16217 1. They want it quick. 16218 2. They want it good. 16219 3. They want it cheap. 16220I tell 'em to pick two and call me back. 16221 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company 16222% 16223Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees. 16224% 16225Everything bows to success, even grammar. 16226% 16227Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous". 16228% 16229Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end. 16230% 16231Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. 16232 -- Alexander Woollcott 16233% 16234Everything in this book may be wrong. 16235 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 16236% 16237Everything is controlled by a small evil group 16238to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. 16239% 16240Everything is possible. Pass the word. 16241 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One" 16242% 16243Everything might be different in the present 16244if only one thing had been different in the past. 16245% 16246Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. 16247% 16248Everything should be built top-down, except this time. 16249% 16250Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. 16251 -- Albert Einstein 16252% 16253Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful. 16254 -- Erwin Tomash 16255% 16256Everything that can be invented has been invented. 16257 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899 16258% 16259Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. 16260% 16261Everything will be just tickety-boo today. 16262% 16263Everything you know is wrong! 16264% 16265Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that 16266rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. 16267 -- Erwin Knoll 16268% 16269Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 16270obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 16271solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. 16272There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 16273straight lines. 16274 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 16275% 16276Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 16277obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 16278solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There 16279are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 16280straight lines. 16281 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 16282% 16283Everything's great in this good old world; 16284(This is the stuff they can always use.) 16285God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled; 16286(This will provide for baby's shoes.) 16287Hunger and War do not mean a thing; 16288Everything's rosy where'er we roam; 16289Hark, how the little birds gaily sing! 16290(This is what fetches the bacon home.) 16291 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse" 16292% 16293Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My 16294opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller 16295that could have been prevented by a good teacher. 16296 -- Flannery O'Connor 16297% 16298Everywhere you go you'll see them searching, 16299Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain, 16300Everyone is looking for the answer, 16301Well look again. 16302 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World" 16303% 16304Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil 16305of others, but it is seldom a mistake. 16306 -- H.L. Mencken 16307% 16308Evolution is a million line computer 16309program falling into place by accident. 16310% 16311Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around 16312the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when 16313evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can 16314doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present 16315life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is 16316as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with 16317respect to theories about how the process operates. 16318 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life". 16319% 16320Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for 16321even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer. 16322 -- C.C. Colton 16323% 16324Example is not the main thing in influencing others. 16325It is the only thing. 16326 -- Albert Schweitzer 16327% 16328Excellent day for drinking heavily. 16329Spike the office water cooler. 16330% 16331Excellent day to have a rotten day. 16332% 16333Excellent time to become a missing person. 16334% 16335Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. 16336 -- Miller 16337% 16338Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a 16339customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab: 16340 16341Support: "You're not our only customer, you know." 16342Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons." 16343% 16344Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from 16345acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 16346 -- W. Somerset Maugham 16347% 16348Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents 16349moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 16350 -- W. Somerset Maugham 16351% 16352Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility. 16353% 16354Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last. 16355 -- Marcus Aurelius 16356% 16357Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. 16358% 16359Exercise caution in your daily affairs. 16360% 16361Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, 16362and just before you realize what is wrong with it. 16363% 16364Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay. 16365% 16366Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. 16367% 16368Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. 16369% 16370Expedience is the best teacher. 16371% 16372Expense accounts, n: 16373 Corporate food stamps. 16374% 16375Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. 16376 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions" 16377% 16378Experience is not what happens to you; 16379it is what you do with what happens to you. 16380 -- Aldous Huxley 16381% 16382Experience is that marvelous thing that enables 16383you recognize a mistake when you make it again. 16384 -- Franklin Jones 16385% 16386Experience is the worst teacher. It always 16387gives the test first and the instruction afterward. 16388% 16389Experience is what causes a person 16390to make new mistakes instead of old ones. 16391% 16392Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. 16393% 16394Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. 16395% 16396Experience, n: 16397 Something you don't get until just after you need it. 16398 -- Olivier 16399% 16400Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, 16401particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something. 16402 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing" 16403% 16404Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 16405% 16406Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way. 16407% 16408External Security: 16409% 16410Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples 16411of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, 16412but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings 16413that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have 16414argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic conciousness," 16415and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of 16416neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid 16417handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena 16418than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves 16419offer more plausible alternatives. 16420 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Conciousness: 16421 Implications for Psi Phenomena". 16422% 16423Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly. 16424 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece" 16425% 16426Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit 16427of justice is no virtue. 16428 -- Barry Goldwater 16429% 16430f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. 16431% 16432f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. 16433% 16434F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! 16435% 16436f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr. 16437% 16438FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000; 16439% 16440Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting. 16441% 16442Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles. 16443 -- Sven Italla 16444% 16445Facts are the enemy of truth. 16446 -- Don Quixote 16447% 16448Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. 16449 -- Aldous Huxley 16450% 16451Failed Attempts To Break Records 16452 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break 16453the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised 16454he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and 16455doesn't even shout at me." 16456 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the 16457record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours. 16458 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended 16459after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace. 16460"People complained I was too noisy," he said. 16461 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across 16462the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my 16463drone got waterlogged," he said. 16464 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000 16465dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes 16466had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off. 16467 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 16468% 16469Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital. 16470% 16471Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. 16472 -- Sir Walter Raleigh 16473% 16474Fairy tale: 16475 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. 16476% 16477Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. 16478% 16479Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam 16480on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. 16481% 16482Faith is under the left nipple. 16483 -- Martin Luther 16484% 16485Faith, n: 16486 That quality which enables us to 16487 believe what we know to be untrue. 16488% 16489Fakir, n: 16490 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost 16491 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources 16492 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. 16493% 16494Falling in Love 16495 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in 16496love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes 16497light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air, 16498and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately, 16499these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a 16500good idea to check with your doctor. 16501 -- Dave Barry 16502% 16503Falling in love is a lot like dying. 16504You never get to do it enough to become good at it. 16505% 16506Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in 16507restraint. 16508 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus". 16509% 16510Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; 16511the only earthly certainty is oblivion. 16512 -- Mark Twain 16513% 16514Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an 16515autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door. 16516 -- Marlo Thomas 16517% 16518Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever. 16519% 16520Familiarity breeds attempt. 16521% 16522Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. 16523 -- Mark Twain 16524% 16525Families, when a child is born 16526Want it to be intelligent. 16527I, through intelligence, 16528Having wrecked my whole life, 16529Only hope the baby will prove 16530Ignorant and stupid. 16531Then he will crown a tranquil life 16532By becoming a Cabinet Minister 16533 -- Su Tung-p'o 16534% 16535Famous last words: 16536% 16537Famous last words: 16538 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 16539 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 16540 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog... 16541 4: We won't need reservations. 16542 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year. 16543 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded. 16544 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. 16545 8: Don't worry! Women love it! 16546% 16547Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have 16548forgotten your aim. 16549 -- George Santayana 16550% 16551"Fantasies are free." 16552"NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!" 16553% 16554Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the 16555former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free. 16556 16557Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and 16558reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits 16559were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women 16560and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures 16561from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty 16562deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus 16563was the Empire forged. 16564 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 16565% 16566Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. 16567% 16568Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western 16569Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this 16570at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly 16571insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are 16572so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty 16573neat idea. 16574 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy" 16575% 16576Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more 16577stressful than divorce. 16578 -- Wall Street Journal 16579% 16580Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter 16581it every six months. 16582 -- Oscar Wilde 16583% 16584Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. 16585 -- Victor Hugo 16586% 16587Fast, cheap, good: pick two. 16588% 16589Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? 16590 -- Han Solo 16591% 16592Faster, faster, you fool, you fool! 16593 -- Bill Cosby 16594% 16595Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind. 16596% 16597Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose! 16598% 16599Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex. 16600Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know? 16601% 16602Fats Loves Madelyn. 16603% 16604Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity. 16605Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified. 16606 -- Joe Orton, "Loot" 16607% 16608FEAR: 16609 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates. 16610% 16611Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing. 16612 -- H.S. Thompson 16613% 16614Fear is the greatest salesman. 16615 -- Robert Klein 16616% 16617feature, n: 16618 A surprising property of a program. Occasionaly documented. To 16619 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not 16620 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though 16621 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's 16622 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it. 16623% 16624Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation 16625potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally 16626disadvantaged. 16627% 16628Feel disillusioned? 16629I've got some great new illusions, right here! 16630% 16631Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no, 16632it's Microsoft!" 16633% 16634Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature, 16635An endothermic quadroped, carniverous by nature. 16636Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses 16637Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses. 16638I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations, 16639A singular development of cat communications 16640That obviates your basic hedonistic predelection 16641For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection. 16642A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents: 16643You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance; 16644And when not being utilitized to aid in locomotion, 16645It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion. 16646Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display 16647Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array. 16648And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend, 16649I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend. 16650 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot" 16651% 16652Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring 16653you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter 16654to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or 16655other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the 16656list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add 16657yours to the bottom of the list. 16658 16659Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San 16660Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find 16661his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent 16662out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to 16663build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at 16664this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in 16665her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's. 16666 16667Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today! 16668% 16669Female rabbits: 16670 The gift that just "keeps on giving." 16671% 16672FENDERBERG: 16673 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides 16674 of car fenders during snowstorms. 16675 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 16676% 16677Ferguson's Precept: 16678 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing." 16679% 16680Fertility is hereditary. If your parents 16681didn't have any children, neither will you. 16682% 16683Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about 16684 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy. 16685Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the 16686 basic difference between robots and humans? 16687Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs? 16688Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them. 16689 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself" 16690% 16691Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. 16692 -- Mark Twain 16693% 16694Fidelity, n: 16695 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. 16696% 16697Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, 16698Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! 16699Drink and the devil had done for the rest, 16700Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! 16701 -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island" 16702% 16703Fifth Law of Applied Terror: 16704 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 16705Corollary: 16706 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. 16707% 16708File cabinet: 16709 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor. 16710% 16711filibuster, n: 16712 Throwing your wait around. 16713% 16714Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches. 16715 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 16716% 16717Finagle's Creed: 16718 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 16719% 16720Finagle's Eighth Law: 16721 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 16722 16723Finagle's Ninth Law: 16724 No matter what results are expected, 16725 someone is always willing to fake it. 16726 16727Finagle's Tenth Law: 16728 No matter what the result someone 16729 is always eager to misinterpret it. 16730 16731Finagle's Eleventh Law: 16732 No matter what occurs, someone believes 16733 it happened according to his pet theory. 16734% 16735Finagle's First Law: 16736 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. 16737 16738Finagle's Second Law: 16739 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working. 16740 16741Finagle's Fourth Law: 16742 Once a job is fouled up, 16743 anything done to improve it only makes it worse. 16744 16745Finagle's Fifth Law: 16746 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings. 16747 16748Finagle's Sixth Law: 16749 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them. 16750% 16751Finagle's Seventh Law: 16752 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. 16753% 16754Finagle's Third Law: 16755 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, 16756 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 16757 16758Corollaries: 16759 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 16760 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really 16761 don't want to hear, will see it immediately. 16762% 16763Finality is death. 16764Perfection is finality. 16765Nothing is perfect. 16766There are lumps in it. 16767% 16768Fine day for friends. 16769So-so day for you. 16770% 16771Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. 16772% 16773Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. 16774% 16775Finster's Law: 16776A closed mouth gathers no feet. 16777% 16778First Law of Bicycling: 16779 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. 16780% 16781First law of debate: 16782 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. 16783% 16784First Law of Procrastination: 16785 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility 16786 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who 16787 imposed the deadline). 16788 16789Fifth Law of Procrastination: 16790 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that 16791 there is nothing important to do. 16792% 16793First Law of Socio-Genetics: 16794 Celibacy is not hereditary. 16795% 16796First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really 16797self-respecting woman would take advantage of it. 16798 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island" 16799% 16800First Rule of History: 16801 History doesn't repeat itself -- 16802 historians merely repeat each other. 16803% 16804First rule of public speaking. 16805 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em; 16806 then tell 'em; 16807 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em. 16808% 16809First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer. 16810But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all. 16811Dial-A-Wombat. 16812 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone 16813call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the 16814phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said. 16815 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of 16816the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk. 16817 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth. 16818 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its 16819bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub. 16820 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in 16821another phone booth. 16822 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth. 16823 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and 16824released it, too, in the scrub. 16825 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another 16826telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat. 16827 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect, 16828and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons. 16829 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in 16830telephone booths. 16831 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", WSW Australia, Aug 1980. 16832% 16833"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars; 16834"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation; 16835and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of 16836trees to prove their manhood. 16837 -- Dave Barry 16838% 16839Fishbowl, n: 16840 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly 16841 promoted managers are kept for observation. 16842% 16843Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime. 16844 -- Jimmy Cannon 16845% 16846Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck. 16847 -- Adolfo Guzman 16848% 16849Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. 16850 -- Robert Firth 16851% 16852Five names that I can hardly stand to hear, 16853Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here, 16854I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard, 16855And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard, 16856Yes, I'm goin' insane, 16857And I'm laughing at the frozen rain, 16858Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? 16859 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend, 16860 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a 16861 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend... 16862You fellah, you tearin' up the street, 16863You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat, 16864Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see, 16865That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me, 16866Yes, and goin' insane, 16867You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain, 16868Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? 16869(chorus) 16870 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan" 16871% 16872Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman 16873were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they 16874had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled 16875"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I", 16876the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's 16877"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and 16878Irish Political History". 16879% 16880Five rules for eternal misery: 16881 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably. 16882 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to 16883 treat these assumptions as though they are reality. 16884 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis. 16885 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with 16886 how much better things might have been or how much worse 16887 things might become). 16888 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to 16889 follow the first four rules. 16890% 16891Flame on! 16892 -- Johnny Storm 16893% 16894FLANNISTER: 16895 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together. 16896 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 16897% 16898FLASH! 16899Intelligence of mankind decreasing. 16900Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the .... 16901% 16902Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed. 16903 -- Josh Billings 16904% 16905Flattery will get you everywhere. 16906% 16907Flee at once, all is discovered. 16908% 16909Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself. 16910 -- Helen Rowland 16911% 16912Flon's Law: 16913 There is not now, and never will be, a language in 16914 which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. 16915% 16916flowchart, n. & v. 16917 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart 16918 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 16919 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni 16920 construction problems in which given algoritms require geometrical 16921 representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI 16922 template. 2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns. 16923 3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate 16924 misleading the illiterate. "A thousand pictures is worth ten lines 16925 of code." --The Programmer's Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 16926 5. v.intrans. To produce flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 16927 6. v.trans. To obfuscate (a problem) with esoteric cartoons. 16928 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 16929% 16930Flugg's Law: 16931 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize 16932 that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. 16933% 16934Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ... 16935% 16936Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling? 16937Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have. 16938% 16939Fog Lamps, n: 16940 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts 16941 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the 16942 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights". 16943% 16944"Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a 16945tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored." 16946 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy, 16947 commenting on rumors of womanizing. 16948% 16949Foolproof Operation: 16950 No provision for adjustment. 16951% 16952Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house. 16953% 16954Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce 16955a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather? 16956% 16957Football combines the two worst features of American life. 16958It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. 16959 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball" 16960% 16961Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets. 16962 -- Jimmy Breslin 16963% 16964For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint. 16965% 16966For a light heart lives long. 16967 -- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 16968% 16969For adult education nothing beats children. 16970% 16971For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, 16972since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned. 16973% 16974For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex. 16975 -- Gore Vidal 16976% 16977For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back. 16978% 16979For courage mounteth with occasion. 16980 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 16981% 16982For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 16983 -- Harrison 16984% 16985For every bloke who makes his mark, 16986there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out. 16987 -- Andy Capp 16988% 16989For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. 16990 -- R. Clopton 16991% 16992For every human problem, there is a neat, 16993plain solution -- and it is always wrong. 16994 -- H.L. Mencken 16995% 16996For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if 16997you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or 16998not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is 16999that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip; 17000when moving between an mskipand ordinary skip, the conversion factor 170011mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and 17002'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear. 17003 -- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80 17004% 17005For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. 17006% 17007For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel 17008and cook. 17009 -- Quentin Crisp 17010% 17011For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. 17012 -- Alexander Pope 17013% 17014For gin, in cruel 17015Sober truth, 17016Supplies the fuel 17017For flaming youth. 17018 -- Noel Coward 17019% 17020For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think! 17021% 17022For good, return good. 17023For evil, return justice. 17024% 17025For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. 17026 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul) 17027% 17028For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas! 17029but with break of day I went to make supplication. 17030 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D. 17031% 17032For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in 17033despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the 17034implacable grandeur of this life. 17035 -- Albert Camus 17036% 17037For knighthood is not in the feats of war, 17038As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong, 17039But in a cause which truth cannot defer: 17040He ought himself for to make sure and strong, 17041Just to keep mixt with mercy among: 17042And no quarrel a knight ought to take 17043But for a truth, or for the common's sake. 17044 -- Stephen Hawes 17045% 17046For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble: 17047and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust. 17048 -- Sir Thomas More 17049% 17050For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to 17051get themselves filed. 17052 -- Clifton Fadiman 17053% 17054For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in 17055the same room and let them fight it out. 17056 -- Stephen Wright 17057% 17058For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I 17059put them in the same room and let them fight it out. 17060 -- Steven Wright 17061% 17062For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at 17063the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful 17064power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous 17065and bad music may be put on record forever. 17066 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888 17067% 17068For people who like that kind of book, 17069that is the kind of book they will like. 17070% 17071FOR SALE: 17072 Parachute. Used once. 17073 Never opened. Slightly Stained. 17074% 17075For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say 17076"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. 17077 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S. 17078% 17079For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. 17080% 17081For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the 17082massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the 17083last step of doing away with computers altogether?" 17084 -- Jehan Shuman 17085% 17086For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, 17087each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall 17088was a gate. 17089 -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King" 17090 17091 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 17092 referring to system overview.] 17093 17094% 17095For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. 17096This gives me great hope for the human race. 17097 -- Harlan Ellison 17098% 17099For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear. 17100% 17101For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers. 17102 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 17103% 17104For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can 17105neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one? 17106 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse" 17107 17108 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 17109 referring to powerfail recovery.] 17110% 17111For they starve the frightened little child 17112Till it weeps both night and day: 17113And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool, 17114And gibe the old and grey, 17115And some grow mad, and all grow bad, 17116And none a word may say. 17117 17118Each narrow cell in which we dwell 17119Is a foul and dark latrine, 17120And the fetid breath of living Death 17121Chokes up each grated screen, 17122And all, but Lust, is turned to dust 17123In Humanity's machine. 17124 17125And all men kill the thing they love, 17126By all let this be heard, 17127Some do it with a bitter look, 17128Some with a flattering word, 17129The coward does it with a kiss, 17130The brave man with a sword. 17131 -- Oscar Wilde 17132% 17133For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___. 17134When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged 17135him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to 17136spend my evenings?" 17137 -- Chamfort 17138% 17139For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the 17140'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow 17141recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned 17142protected species. 17143 Ingredients: 17144 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag 17145 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal 17146 1 teaspoonful salt 17147 8 oz. shredded suet 17148 2 small onions 17149 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper 17150 17151 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water 17152overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over 17153the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus 17154gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about 17155half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet, 17156salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for 17157swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not 17158available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for 17159four to five hours. 17160% 17161For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. 17162 -- Abraham Lincoln 17163% 17164For three days after death hair and fingernails 17165continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. 17166 -- Johnny Carson 17167% 17168For years a secret shame destroyed my peace-- 17169I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. 17170But now I think a thought that brings me hope: 17171Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. 17172 -- Justin Richardson. 17173% 17174Force has no place where there is need of skill. 17175 -- Herodotus 17176% 17177"Force is but might," the teacher said-- 17178"That definition's just." 17179The boy said naught but thought instead, 17180Remembering his pounded head: 17181"Force is not might but must!" 17182% 17183Force it!!! 17184If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway... 17185No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer. 17186% 17187FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX! 17188% 17189Forecast, n: 17190 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for 17191 which the forecaster demands payment in the present. 17192% 17193Forest fires cause Smokey Bears. 17194% 17195Forgetfulness, n: 17196 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for 17197 their destitution of conscience. 17198% 17199Forgive and forget. 17200 -- Cervantes 17201% 17202Forgive him, 17203for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature! 17204 -- G.B. Shaw 17205% 17206Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee 17207And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me. 17208 -- Robert Frost 17209% 17210Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names. 17211 -- John F. Kennedy 17212% 17213Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit. 17214% 17215FORTH IF HONK THEN 17216% 17217FORTRAN is a good example of a language 17218which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques. 17219 -- D. Gries 17220 [What's good about it? Ed.] 17221% 17222FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. 17223% 17224FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, 17225occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer. 17226 -- A.J. Perlis 17227% 17228FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers. 17229 -- Steven Feiner 17230% 17231FORTRAN rots the brain. 17232 -- John McQuillin 17233% 17234FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly 17235inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is 17236too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use. 17237 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 17238% 17239FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is 17240hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have 17241in mind today: it is now too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive 17242to use. 17243 -- E.W. Dijkstra 17244% 17245[FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- 17246probably for at least the next decade. 17247 -- T. Cheatham 17248% 17249Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils. 17250% 17251Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of 17252the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility 17253of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the 17254responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals 17255or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out 17256claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidcence and to 17257provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with 17258the accepted body of scientific evidence. 17259 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, 17260 No. 2, pg. 215 17261% 17262Fortune and love befriend the bold. 17263 -- Ovid 17264% 17265FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3 17266 17267Q: Why haven't you graduated yet? 17268A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted 17269 my dissertation to rhyme. 17270% 17271FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8 17272 17273Q: Is God a myth? 17274A: No, He's a mythter. 17275% 17276fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies. 17277% 17278FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14 17279 17280Low Blows: 17281 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One 17282of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must 17283hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain. 17284 17285Dressing Up: 17286 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the 17287garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up 17288for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about 17289weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor 17290party". 17291 17292David Letterman: 17293 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the 17294Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad 17295haircut. 17296% 17297FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16 17298 17299Relationships: 17300 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he 17301refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular 17302basis". 17303 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to 17304her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then 17305she will get on with her life. 17306 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the 17307breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just 17308wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I 17309hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's 17310always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" 17311drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are 17312community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, 17313these classes rarely prove effective. 17314% 17315FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17 17316 17317Shoes: 17318 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes, 17319boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor 17320of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet. 17321 17322Making friends: 17323 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things 17324together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends." 17325 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things 17326together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man, 17327sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or 17328psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken 17329sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a 17330jerk, I guess you're OK." 17331% 17332FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2 17333 17334Desserts: 17335 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic 17336work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before 17337she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by 17338grabbing the cherry in the center. 17339 17340Car repair: 17341 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair 17342manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem 17343himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be 17344fixed without special tools". 17345 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an 17346accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the 17347car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than 17348the average man. 17349% 17350FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4 17351 17352Weddings: 17353 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". 17354Men talk about "the bachelor party". 17355 17356Clothes: 17357 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt 17358he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about 17359the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on 17360the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting 17361them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age. 17362 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year. 17363They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions. 17364% 17365FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5 17366 17367Trust: 17368 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling 17369around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if 17370she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her 17371OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that 17372one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if 17373his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one 17374of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though, 17375so they can be ready if he needs an alibi. 17376 17377Driving: 17378 17379 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind 17380the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep 17381him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting 17382to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The 17383Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body 17384shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and 17385price their policies accordingly. 17386 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get 17387rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to 17388her makeup. 17389% 17390FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6 17391 17392Bathrooms: 17393 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, 17394shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. 17395The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man 17396would not be able to identify most of these items. 17397 17398Groceries: 17399 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store 17400and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge 17401are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys 17402everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, 17403his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. 17404Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane. 17405% 17406FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8 17407 17408Going Out: 17409 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go 17410out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready 17411to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup, 17412checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend... 17413 17414Cats: 17415 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't 17416looking, men kick cats. 17417 17418Offspring: 17419 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows 17420about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends 17421and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely 17422aware of some short people living in the house. 17423% 17424FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9 17425 17426Laundry: 17427 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article 17428of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight 17429years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, 17430he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain 17431of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at 17432the laundromat. This is a myth. 17433 17434Nicknames: 17435 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, 17436they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if 17437Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately 17438refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless. 17439 17440Socks: 17441 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. 17442Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures 17443of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. 17444% 17445FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10 17446 17447CARTABLANCA: 17448 Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells 17449 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of 17450 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer 17451 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is 17452 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in 17453 which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat. 17454% 17455FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11 17456 17457MONOPOLI: 17458 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour 17459 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after 17460 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the 17461 Boardwalk property. 17462% 17463FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12 17464 17465O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min. 17466 17467 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of 17468 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif 17469 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in 17470 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning. 17471 With Julie Christie. 17472% 17473FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3 17474 17475MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET: 17476 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and 17477 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way 17478 into your heart. 17479% 17480FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4 17481 17482WITLESS: 17483 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role 17484 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the 17485 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to 17486 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly 17487 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away. 17488% 17489FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5 17490 17491THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER: 17492 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman 17493 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family 17494 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales 17495 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues 17496 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives 17497 a glowing performance. 17498% 17499FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6 17500 17501RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. 17502 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, 17503 and arguably the best movie ever made about a large, 17504 man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. 17505% 17506FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7 17507 17508OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA": 17509 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences 17510 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of 17511 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy. 17512 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for 17513 younger viewers. 17514% 17515FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8 17516 17517THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986) 17518 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen 17519 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable 17520 (if sometimes fatal) lesson. 17521 17522THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987) 17523 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving 17524 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece 17525 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of 17526 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family. 17527% 17528FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9 17529 17530THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min. 17531 17532 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as 17533 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene 17534 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.) 17535% 17536Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 17537 17538It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and 17539supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to 17540more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant 17541negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a 17542negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive 17543as that in support of an affirmative. 17544 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472. 17545% 17546Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 17547 17548We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be 17549left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it 17550seems to us that someone has been very careless. 17551 -- 78 So. 365. 17552% 17553Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 17554 17555We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" 17556may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine 17557species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female 17558of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two 17559revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think 17560it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person. 17561 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466. 17562% 17563FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1 17564 17565skilled oral communicator: 17566 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self. 17567 Argues with self. Loses these arguments. 17568 17569skilled written communicator: 17570 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for 17571 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else. 17572 17573growth potential: 17574 With proper guidance, periodic counselling, and remedial training, 17575 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet 17576 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company. 17577 17578key company figure: 17579 Serves as the perfect counter example. 17580% 17581FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4 17582 17583consistent: 17584 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated 17585 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year. 17586 17587an excellent sounding board: 17588 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement 17589 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification. 17590 17591a planner and organizer: 17592 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the 17593 animal tags on his clothing. 17594% 17595FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9 17596 17597has management potential: 17598 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the 17599 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department 17600 pencil monitor. 17601 17602inspirational: 17603 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God, 17604 go I.") 17605 17606adapts to stress: 17607 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the 17608 situation. 17609 17610goal oriented: 17611 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails 17612 to meet them. 17613% 17614Fortune favors the lucky. 17615% 17616Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12 17617 17618 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions. 17619% 17620Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15 17621 17622 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." 17623 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas 17624 Cowboy cheerleaders. 17625% 17626Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17 17627 17628 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, 17629 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet." 17630 Juliet, this bud's for you. 17631% 17632Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2 17633 17634 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people 17635 you've made happy. 17636% 17637Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21 17638 17639 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day? 17640 No, I guess not. 17641% 17642Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3 17643 17644 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car. 17645% 17646Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6 17647 17648 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?" 17649 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep. 17650% 17651Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9 17652 17653 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument. 17654% 17655fortune: No such file or directory 17656% 17657fortune: not found 17658% 17659Fortune presents: 17660 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1. 17661 17662^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English? 17663Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand. 17664Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker 17665 renkontas. I've met. 17666La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail. 17667Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it. 17668Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around. 17669Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea. 17670% 17671Fortune presents: 17672 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2. 17673 17674^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken? 17675^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often? 17676^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number? 17677Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers. 17678Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction. 17679^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going? 17680% 17681Fortune presents: 17682 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5. 17683 17684Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. 17685 ^cevalon. 17686Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding. 17687Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me! 17688Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you? 17689Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother? 17690Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon. 17691% 17692FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4 17693 17694Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!? 17695Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........ 17696Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case! 17697Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here? 17698% 17699FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 17700 17701A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy 17702Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates? 17703% 17704FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 17705 17706A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 17707Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy? 17708% 17709FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 17710 17711A: To be or not to be. 17712Q: What is the square root of 4b^2? 17713% 17714FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 17715 17716A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. 17717Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name? 17718% 17719FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31 17720 17721A: Chicken Teriyaki. 17722Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot? 17723% 17724FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 17725 17726A: Go west, young man, go west! 17727Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound? 17728% 17729FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 17730 17731A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. 17732Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines. 17733% 17734FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5 17735 17736 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!" 17737 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965 17738% 17739FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6 17740 17741 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!" 17742 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954 17743% 17744Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! 17745 17746Try: 17747 ar t "God" 17748 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell) 17749 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD) 17750 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell) 17751 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell) 17752 rm God 17753 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell) 17754 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD) 17755 make "heads or tails of all this" 17756 who is smart 17757 (C shell) 17758 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have? 17759 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD) 17760% 17761Fortune's current rates: 17762 17763 Answers .10 17764 Long answers .25 17765 Answers requiring thought .50 17766 Correct answers $1.00 17767 17768 Dumb looks are still free. 17769% 17770Fortune's diet truths: 177711: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream. 177722: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud. 177733: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not 17774 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish. 177754: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see 17776 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat. 177775: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as 17778 appealing as tepid beer. 177796: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place! 177807: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and 17781 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and 17782 it isn't. 177838: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable. 177849: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert! 1778510: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies. 1778611: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and 17787 swallowing. 17788% 17789Fortune's Exercising Truths: 17790 177911: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't. 177922. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks. 177933. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life. 177944. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing. 177955. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done 17796 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as 17797 you twitter around in your chair. 177986. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys mosts is tripping joggers. 177997. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around 17800 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard 17801 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity. 178028. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups, 17803 followed by one throw-up. 178049. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided. 17805% 17806FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8 17807 Christmas Rum Cake 17808 178091 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder 178101 cup butter 1 tsp. soda 178111 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice 178122 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar 178132 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts 17814 17815Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now 17816select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It 17817must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup 17818of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric 17819mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar 17820and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality. 17821Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups 17822of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the 17823beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking 17824for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a 17825seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter). 17826Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and 17827strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have. 17828Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until 17829poothtick comes out crean. 17830% 17831FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 17832 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America. 17833 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle. 17834 A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family. 17835 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat 17836 rather then a spotted one. 17837 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees 17838 while peauts grow underground. They are classified as a 17839 legume-part of the pea family. 17840 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit. 17841% 17842FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 17843 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe" 17844Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland. 17845% 17846FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37 17847 Can you name the seven seas? 17848 Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian, 17849 North Pacific, South Pacific. 17850 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White? 17851 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful. 17852% 17853FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44 17854 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background. 17855% 17856FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108 17857 17858In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless 17859there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red 17860flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. 17861% 17862FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 17863 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath 17864at least once a year. 17865% 17866FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16 17867 17868The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River 17869can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. 17870% 17871FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19 17872 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in 17873his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional 17874ability in that particular field." 17875% 17876FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 17877 17878In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own 17879at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. 17880% 17881FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2 17882 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 17883% 17884FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3 17885 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the 17886movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the 17887right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. 17888% 17889FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8 17890 17891 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart 17892a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 17893% 17894Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3 17895 17896August 27, 1949: 17897 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the 17898 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum. 17899% 17900FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14 17901What to do... 17902 if reality disappears? 17903 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you 17904 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant. 17905 17906 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time 17907 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you? 17908 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in. 17909 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your 17910 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you 17911 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles 17912 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask 17913 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO. 17914% 17915FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2 17916What to do... 17917 if you get a phone call from Mars: 17918 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit 17919 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are 17920 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen. 17921 17922 if he, she or it doesn't speak English? 17923 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone. 17924 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she 17925 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before 17926 calling. 17927 17928 if you get a phone call from Jupiter? 17929 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter, 17930 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the 17931 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the 17932 charges may have been reversed. 17933% 17934FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6 17935What to do... 17936 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard? 17937 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any 17938 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe 17939 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive, 17940 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude. 17941 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably 17942 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help. 17943 17944 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your 17945 closet contains an alternate dimension? 17946 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back, 17947 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm 17948 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not 17949 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains 17950 an alternate dimension, nail it shut. 17951% 17952Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: 17953 17954WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: 17955 17956Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608 17957of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the 17958combination of beauty and power. Few have 17959excelled him in the use of the English language, 17960or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, 17961'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest 17962single poem ever written." 17963 17964Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now 17965doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are 17966of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the 17967 bungling and greed of President 17968 Roosevelt. 17969 17970... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a 17971not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist. 17972% 17973Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals 17974goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned 17975House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a 17976sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero 17977and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. 17978 17979Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are 17980 having to artifically propogate oysters and clams." 17981Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?" 17982Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is 17983 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large 17984 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of 17985 fertilization." 17986Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many 17987 teenagers who read The Congressional Record." 17988% 17989FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14 17990 17991 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to 17992your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert 17993and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything 17994drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. 17995% 17996Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2 17997 17998Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over 17999the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that 18000the author of an memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments 18001in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an 18002incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has 18003never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's 18004memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having 18005done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand 18006the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then 18007you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact, 18008the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows: 18009 18010 1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo. 18011 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are. 18012 3: When replying to one of your own memos. 18013% 18014FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2 18015 18016 Never goose a wolverine. 18017% 18018FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23 18019 18020 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn. 18021% 18022Forty isn't old, if you're a tree. 18023% 18024Four be the things I am wiser to know: 18025Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. 18026 18027Four be the things I'd been better without: 18028Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 18029 18030Three be the things I shall never attain: 18031Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. 18032 18033Three be the things I shall have till I die: 18034Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. 18035 -- Inventory 18036% 18037Four be the things I'd been better without: 18038Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 18039-- Dorothy Parker, "Not So Deep as a Well" 18040% 18041Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on 18042tombstones, women and competitors. 18043 -- Lord Thomas Dewar 18044% 18045Four hours to bury the cat? 18046Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling... 18047% 18048Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue 18049ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. 18050This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays. 18051 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn 18052% 18053Fourth Law of Applied Terror: 18054 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology 18055 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 18056 18057Corollary: 18058 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except 18059 study for that instructor's course. 18060% 18061Fourth Law of Revision: 18062 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about 18063 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one 18064 for you. 18065% 18066Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix. 18067 -- Rhett Buggler 18068% 18069Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason. 18070 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book" 18071% 18072Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire. 18073 -- A Yippie Proverb 18074% 18075Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite. 18076% 18077Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 18078% 18079Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better. 18080 -- Camus 18081% 18082Freedom is slavery. 18083Ignorance is strength. 18084War is peace. 18085 -- George Orwell 18086% 18087Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one. 18088% 18089Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. 18090 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee" 18091% 18092Fremen add life to spice! 18093% 18094Fresco's Discovery: 18095 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. 18096% 18097Friction is a drag. 18098% 18099Fried's 1st Rule: 18100 Increased automation of clerical function 18101 invariably results in increased operational costs. 18102% 18103Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 18104 -- Thomas Jones 18105% 18106Friends, n: 18107 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. 18108 18109 People who know you well, but like you anyway. 18110% 18111Friends, Romans, Hipsters, 18112Let me clue you in; 18113I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him. 18114The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; 18115The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. 18116The cool Brutus gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes; 18117If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, 18118And, like, old Caeser really set them straight. 18119Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a 18120 real cool cat; 18121So are they all, all cool cats, -- 18122Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down. 18123% 18124Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority 18125over the other. 18126 -- Honore DeBalzac 18127% 18128Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, 18129your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. 18130% 18131From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds. 18132 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado 18133% 18134From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. 18135That is the point that must be reached. 18136 -- F. Kafka 18137% 18138From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. 18139% 18140From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first. 18141 -- Bertolt Brecht 18142% 18143From the crystal swirling waters, 18144Of the Rio Amazon, 18145To the sacred halls of Bayonne, 18146Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.) 18147From ev'ry hallowed venue, 18148Ev'ry forest, mount and vale, 18149Your butt is on the menu 18150And the check is in the mail. 18151 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races" 18152% 18153From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was 18154convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 18155 -- Groucho Marx 18156% 18157From too much love of living, 18158From hope and fear set free, 18159We thank with brief thanskgiving, 18160Whatever gods may be, 18161That no life lives forever, 18162That dead men rise up never, 18163That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. 18164 -- Swinburne 18165% 18166F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway: 18167 "Ernest, the rich are different from us." 18168Hemingway: 18169 "Yes. They have more money." 18170% 18171Fudd's First Law of Opposition: 18172 Push something hard enough and it will fall over. 18173% 18174Fun experiments: 18175 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week. 18176 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want... 18177 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount. 18178% 18179Fun Facts, #14: 18180 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how 18181 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won. 18182% 18183Fun Facts, #63: 18184 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores. 18185 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the 18186 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in 18187 1510. 18188% 18189Function reject. 18190% 18191Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything. 18192% 18193FURBLING: 18194 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 18195 even when you are the only person in line. 18196 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 18197% 18198furbling, v: 18199 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 18200 even when you are the only person in line. 18201 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 18202% 18203Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 18204 -- H. H. Williams 18205% 18206Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 18207 -- H.H. Williams 18208% 18209Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment... 18210but if we send it by ship, it's cargo. 18211% 18212Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. 18213% 18214Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union. 18215 -- Joseph Stalin 18216% 18217Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: 18218 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that 18219there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof. 18220% 18221Garbage In - Gospel Out. 18222% 18223Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on 18224our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! 18225 -- Adventures of Asterix 18226% 18227Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". 18228 18229Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the 18230harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: 18231 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." 18232Obvious, isn't it? 18233 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start 18234speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as 18235long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all 18236your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and 18237so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed 18238individuals and then grow.... 18239 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those 18240signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when 18241everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on 18242the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs 18243backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? 18244I think not, my friend, I think not. 18245 -- Arthur Naiman 18246% 18247GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 18248 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for 18249 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch 18250 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good 18251 in it today, either. 18252% 18253GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) 18254 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you 18255 can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise 18256 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short 18257 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. 18258% 18259GENDERPLEX: 18260 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 18261 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g. turtles and tortoises). 18262 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 18263% 18264genderplex, n: 18265 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 18266 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and 18267 tortoises). 18268 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 18269% 18270GENEALOGY: 18271 An account of one's descent from an ancestor 18272 who did not particularly care to trace his own. 18273 -- Ambrose Bierce 18274% 18275General notions are generally wrong. 18276 -- Lady M.W. Montagu 18277% 18278Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death. 18279 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645 18280% 18281Generic Fortune. 18282% 18283Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. 18284% 18285Genetics explains why you look like your father, 18286and if you don't, why you should. 18287% 18288GENIUS: 18289 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with bright. 18290% 18291GENIUS: 18292 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right 18293 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying 18294 all the right things to all the right people. 18295% 18296Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can. 18297 -- Owen Meredith 18298% 18299Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. 18300 -- Thomas Alva Edison 18301% 18302Genius is pain. 18303 -- John Lennon 18304% 18305Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. 18306% 18307Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. 18308% 18309Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. 18310 -- Elbert Hubbard 18311% 18312genius, n: 18313 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with 18314 "bright". 18315% 18316genlock, n: 18317 Why he stays in the bottle. 18318% 18319Gentlemen, 18320 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach 18321to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying 18322with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and 18323thence by dispatch to our headquarters. 18324 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all 18325manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. 18326I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. 18327Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable 18328exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. 18329 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted 18330for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous 18331confusion as the the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry 18332regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness 18333may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a 18334fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. 18335 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of 18336my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand 18337why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it 18338must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either 18339one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both: 18340 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit 18341of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance: 18342 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. 18343 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office, 18344 London, 1812 18345% 18346Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's 18347old girl friend. 18348% 18349George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of 18350his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note: 18351 "Bring a friend, if you have one." 18352 18353Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he 18354had a previous engagement. He also attached the following: 18355 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one." 18356% 18357George Orwell was an optimist. 18358% 18359George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to 18360have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. 18361 -- Ashley Cooper 18362% 18363George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let 18364me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration. 18365 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway." 18366 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet 18367and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address. 18368No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog. 18369George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at 18370the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff." 18371Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home. 18372 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George 18373yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?" 18374 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're 18375gonna get on Labor Day." 18376% 18377(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only 18378one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added, 18379"And he didn't understand me." 18380% 18381Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 18382 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 18383 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 18384 3) The energy required to change either one of these states 18385 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so 18386 much as to make the task totally impossible. 18387% 18388Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. 18389% 18390Get GUMMed 18391---------- 18392 18393The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076 18394(check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground 18395directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the 18396hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with 18397forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and 18398sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the 18399ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown 18400of all the user-friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You 18401Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis 18402"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You 18403Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all 18404GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell 18405them. 18406 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June 1984 18407% 18408Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light. 18409 -- Dylan Thomas 18410% 18411Getting into trouble is easy. 18412 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser 18413% 18414Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked 18415out of the Book-of-the-Month Club. 18416 -- Melvin Belli on the occcasion of his getting kicked out 18417 of the American Bar Association 18418% 18419Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. 18420 18421Corrollary: 18422 Following the rules will not get the job done. 18423% 18424Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back. 18425% 18426Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"): 18427 18428'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la) 18429Snatch them from their little housies (...) 18430First we chase them 'round the field (...) 18431Then we have them for a meal (...) 18432 18433Toss them here and catch them there (...) 18434See them flying through the air (...) 18435Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...) 18436Falling mice have great appeal (...) 18437 18438See the hunter stretched before us (...) 18439He's chased the mice in field and forest (...) 18440Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...) 18441Of the blood of little critters (...) 18442% 18443Gilbert's Discovery: 18444 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces 18445 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other. 18446% 18447Gil-galad was an Elven-King 18448of him the harpers sadly sing; 18449the last whose realm was fair and free 18450between the Mountains and the Sea. 18451 18452His sword was long, his lance was keen, 18453his shining helm afar was seen; 18454the countless stars of heaven's field 18455were mirrored in his silver shield. 18456 18457But long ago he rode away, 18458and where he dwelleth none can say; 18459for into darkness fell his star 18460in Mordor where the shadows are. 18461% 18462Ginger Snap 18463% 18464Ginsberg's Theorem: 18465 1. You can't win. 18466 2. You can't break even. 18467 3. You can't even quit the game. 18468 18469Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: 18470 18471 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem 18472 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's 18473 Theorem. To wit: 18474 18475 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 18476 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 18477 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. 18478% 18479Ginsburg's Law: 18480 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your 18481big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on. 18482% 18483GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error. 18484% 18485Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. 18486Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner. 18487 -- Calvin Keegan 18488% 18489Give a small boy a hammer and he will find 18490that everything he encounters needs pounding. 18491% 18492Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. 18493% 18494Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down 18495that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File". 18496% 18497Give him an evasive answer. 18498% 18499Give me a fish and I will eat today. 18500Teach me to fish and I will eat forever. 18501% 18502Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh 18503dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world. 18504% 18505Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles. 18506% 18507Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. 18508 -- St. Augustine 18509% 18510Give me libertines or give me meth. 18511% 18512Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe, 18513Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow! 18514But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, 18515Save me, oh save me from the candid friend. 18516 -- George Canning 18517% 18518Give me your students, your secretaries, 18519Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free, 18520The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's. 18521Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me. 18522I lift my disk beside the processor. 18523 -- Inscription on a Word Processor 18524% 18525Give thought to your reputation. 18526Consider changing your name and moving to a new town. 18527% 18528GIVE UP!!!! 18529% 18530Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. 18531% 18532Give your very best today. 18533Heaven knows it's little enough. 18534% 18535Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief. 18536 -- William Faulkner 18537% 18538Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the 18539Open Software Foundation] is its mouth. 18540 -- John Gilmore 18541% 18542Given my druthers, I'd druther not. 18543% 18544Given sufficient time, what you put 18545off doing today will get done by itself. 18546% 18547Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd 18548rather lie around. No contest. 18549 -- Eric Clapton 18550% 18551Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and 18552car keys to teenage boys. 18553 -- P.J. O'Rourke 18554% 18555Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages 18556whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits 18557LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. 18558 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 18559% 18560GLEEMITES: 18561 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks. 18562 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 18563% 18564Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: 18565 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the 18566 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting 18567 some useful work done. 18568% 18569Gloffing is a state of mine. 18570% 18571Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink): 18572 fifth of dry red wine 18573 fifth of Aquavit 18574 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon 18575 10 cardamom seeds 18576 1 cup raisins 18577 4 dried figs 18578 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds 18579 a few pieces of dried orange peel 18580 5 cloves 18581 1/2 lb. sugar cubes 18582 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine 18583for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT 18584the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire 18585strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match. 18586Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve 18587hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup. 18588 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only 18589if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish 18590extraction. 18591% 18592Go ahead... make my day. 18593 -- Dirty Harry 18594% 18595Go ahead, make my day. 18596 -- Harry Callahan 18597% 18598Go away, I'm all right. 18599 -- H.G. Wells' last words. 18600% 18601Go away! Stop bothering me with all your 18602"compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP. 18603 18604logout 18605% 18606Go climb a gravity well. 18607% 18608Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. 18609% 18610Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no. 18611 -- J.R.R. Tolkien 18612% 18613Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go 18614into his office and say to his secretary, "Is there a play from Shaw this 18615morning?" and when she says "No," he will say, "Well, then we'll have to 18616start on the rubbish." And that's your chance, my boy. 18617 -- G.B. Shaw to William Douglas Home 18618% 18619Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you. 18620 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides 18621% 18622Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends, 18623but quickly to their misfortunes. 18624 -- Chilo 18625% 18626Go to a movie tonight. 18627Darkness becomes you. 18628% 18629Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to 18630all your troubles. 18631 -- Andrew Jackson 18632 18633The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the 18634teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith 18635in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country. 18636 -- Calvin Coolidge 18637 18638Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and 18639religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted 18640on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be 18641secure which is not supported by moral habits. 18642 -- Daniel Webster 18643% 18644Go 'way! You're bothering me! 18645% 18646Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world... 18647 -- Wally Shawn 18648% 18649GOD: 18650 Darwin's chief rival. 18651% 18652God created a few perfect heads. 18653The rest he covered with hair. 18654% 18655God created woman. 18656And boredom did indeed cease from that moment -- 18657but many other things ceased as well. 18658Woman was God's second mistake. 18659 -- Nietzsche 18660% 18661God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed 18662around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. 18663% 18664God gave man two ears and one tongue so 18665that we listen twice as much as we speak. 18666 -- Arab proverb 18667% 18668God gives burdens; also shoulders. 18669 18670 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech 18671at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish 18672saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth 18673though; why would he lie about a thing like that? 18674 -- Arthur Naiman 18675% 18676God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. 18677% 18678God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to 18679change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. 18680% 18681God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little... 18682The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do 18683not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman... 18684not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking 18685and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is 18686not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the 18687morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night! 18688 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher 18689% 18690God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more 18691that you try to find success, the more that you will fail. 18692 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect 18693% 18694God help those who do not help themselves. 18695 -- Wilson Mizner 18696% 18697God helps them that helps themselves. 18698 -- B. Franklin 18699% 18700God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now! 18701% 18702God instructs the heart, not by ideas, 18703but by pains and contradictions. 18704 -- De Caussade 18705% 18706God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. 18707% 18708God is a polytheist. 18709% 18710God is Dead. 18711 -- Nietzsche 18712Nietzsche is Dead. 18713 -- God 18714Nietzsche is God. 18715 -- Dead 18716% 18717God is dead and I don't feel all too well either.... 18718 -- Ralph Moonen 18719% 18720God is love, but get it in writing. 18721 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 18722% 18723God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a 18724much less ambitious project. 18725% 18726God is not dead! He's alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's! 18727% 18728God is real, unless declared integer. 18729% 18730God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the 18731elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying 18732other things. 18733 -- Pablo Picasso 18734% 18735God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. 18736 -- Alfred Jarry 18737% 18738God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved. 18739% 18740God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. 18741% 18742God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. 18743 -- Paul Valery 18744% 18745God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. 18746% 18747God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. 18748 -- Kronecker 18749% 18750God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. 18751% 18752God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean. 18753 -- Albert Einstein 18754% 18755God must have loved calories, she made so many of them. 18756% 18757God must love the common man; He made so many of them. 18758% 18759God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone, 18760Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too. 18761The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol 18762Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true. 18763The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get 18764Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2. 18765(chorus) (chorus) 18766 18767We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you, 18768They'll send without delay The network's also dead, 18769A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on 18770It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead. 18771The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks. 18772We'll bury them today. And only cards are read. 18773(chorus) (chorus) 18774 18775And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, 18776Before we go away, Comfort and joy, 18777We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. 18778Won't ruin your whole day. 18779You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way. 18780(chorus) 18781 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen 18782% 18783God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, 18784and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. 18785 -- William Bragg 18786% 18787God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it. 18788% 18789God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle. 18790% 18791God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects 18792to receive it. 18793 -- Austin O'Malley 18794% 18795God votes Republican. 18796% 18797God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal. 18798 -- Samuel Butler 18799% 18800Goda's Truism: 18801 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, 18802 somebody moves the ends. 18803% 18804Going the speed of light is bad for your age. 18805% 18806Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school 18807make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. 18808% 18809Gold, n: 18810 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It 18811 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich 18812 men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, 18813 although gold hasn't done anything to them. 18814 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 18815% 18816Goldenstern's Rules: 18817 1. Always hire a rich attorney. 18818 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. 18819% 18820Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops 18821eating before he bursts. 18822% 18823Gold's Law: 18824 If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 18825% 18826Gomme's Laws: 18827 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches. 18828 (2) Time accelerates. 18829 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away. 18830% 18831Gone With The Wind LITE(tm) 18832 -- by Margaret Mitchell 18833 18834 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed. 18835 18836Gift of the Magii LITE(tm) 18837 -- by O. Henry 18838 18839 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences. 18840 18841The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm) 18842 -- by Ernest Hemingway 18843 18844 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck. 18845 18846Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm) 18847 -- by Anne Frank 18848 18849 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered. 18850% 18851Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven. 18852% 18853Good advice is something a man gives 18854when he is too old to set a bad example. 18855 -- La Rouchefoucauld 18856% 18857Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. 18858% 18859Good day for business affairs. 18860Make a pass at that the new file clerk. 18861% 18862Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. 18863% 18864Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. 18865% 18866Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work. 18867% 18868Good day to deal with people in high places; 18869particularly lonely stewardesses. 18870% 18871Good day to let down old friends who need help. 18872% 18873Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational 18874at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred 18875ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a 18876song. If you would like, I could sing it for you. 18877% 18878Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two. 18879% 18880Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. 18881% 18882Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of 18883those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the 18884will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of 18885government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders. 18886 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune" 18887% 18888"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die. 18889% 18890Good judgement comes from experience. 18891Experience comes from bad judgement. 18892 -- Jim Horning 18893% 18894Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. 18895% 18896Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're 18897giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely 18898at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now. 18899% 18900Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. 18901% 18902Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. 18903% 18904Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 18905% 18906Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are! 18907% 18908Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are. 18909% 18910Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's 18911new lover. 18912% 18913Good night to spend with family, 18914but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover. 18915% 18916Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry. 18917 -- R.E. Schenk 18918% 18919Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre. 18920 -- Gail Godwin 18921% 18922Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. 18923 -- George Saunders' dying words 18924% 18925Goodbye, cool world. 18926% 18927Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with 18928tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human 18929misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known 18930that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to 18931my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised 18932my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the 18933holy words, "Heil Hitler!" 18934 -- George Lincoln Rockwell 18935% 18936Gordon's Law: 18937 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased. 18938% 18939gossip, n: 18940 Hearing something you like about someone you don't. 18941 -- Earl Wilson 18942% 18943//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH 18944% 18945Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? 18946Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number": 18947 18948 1-800-AUDITME 18949% 18950Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life. 18951% 18952Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack, 18953I went out for a ride and never came back. 18954Like a river that don't know where it's flowing, 18955I took a wrong turn and I just kept going. 18956 18957 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 18958 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 18959 Lay down your money and you play your part, 18960 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 18961 18962I met her in a Kingstown bar, 18963We fell in love, I knew it had to end. 18964We took what we had and we ripped it apart, 18965Now here I am down in Kingstown again. 18966 18967Everybody needs a place to rest, 18968Everybody wants to have a home. 18969Don't make no difference what nobody says, 18970Ain't nobody likes to be alone. 18971 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart" 18972% 18973Got Mole problems? 18974Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23. 18975% 18976Gourmet, n: 18977 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or 18978 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're 18979 leaving the best part. 18980% 18981Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it. 18982 -- Lao Tsu 18983% 18984Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any 18985more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't 18986know much. 18987 -- The Best of Will Rogers 18988% 18989Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know 18990any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he 18991doesn't know much. 18992 -- Will Rogers 18993% 18994Government's Law: 18995 There is an exception to all laws. 18996% 18997Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's 18998leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on 18999board. 19000 -- Princess Leia Organa 19001% 19002Grabel's Law: 19003 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. 19004% 19005Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. 19006% 19007Graduate students and most professors are 19008no smarter than undergrads. They're just older. 19009% 19010Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke 19011he exclaimed: 19012 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine, 19013 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!" 19014 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 19015% 19016Grandpa Charnock's Law: 19017 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 19018 19019 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.] 19020% 19021Graphics blind the eyes. 19022Audio files deafen the ear. 19023Mouse clicks numb the fingers. 19024Heuristics weaken the mind. 19025Options wither the heart. 19026 19027The Guru observes the net 19028but trusts his inner vision. 19029He allows things to come and go. 19030His heart is as open as the ether. 19031% 19032GRASSHOPPOTAMUS: 19033 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once. 19034% 19035Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion. 19036 -- Joseph Alsop 19037% 19038GRAVITY: 19039 What you get when you eat too much and too fast. 19040% 19041Gravity brings me down. 19042% 19043Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. 19044% 19045Gray's Law of Programming: 19046 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be 19047 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks. 19048 19049Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 19050 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks. 19051% 19052Great acts are made up of small deeds. 19053 -- Lao Tsu 19054% 19055Great American Axiom: 19056 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right. 19057% 19058GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17): 19059 19060On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his 19061place of residence. 19062% 19063GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751 19064 19065Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs. 19066% 19067GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915 19068 19069Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup. 19070% 19071Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. 19072 -- Albert Einstein 19073 19074They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they 19075also laughed at Bozo the Clown. 19076 -- Carl Sagan 19077% 19078Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. 19079% 19080Green light in A.M. for new projects. 19081Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. 19082% 19083Green's Law of Debate: 19084Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. 19085% 19086Grelb's Reminder: 19087 Eighty percent of all people consider 19088 themselves to be above average drivers. 19089% 19090grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines. 19091% 19092Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full 19093value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. 19094 -- Mark Twain 19095% 19096Griffin's Thought: 19097 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. 19098% 19099Grig (the navigator): 19100 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space 19101 armada. 19102Alex (the gunner): 19103 What?!? 19104Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against 19105 overwhelming odds. 19106Alex: It'll be a slaughter! 19107Grig: That's the spirit! 19108 -- The Last Starfighter 19109% 19110Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity: 19111 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today. 19112% 19113Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the 19114groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide. 19115 -- Johnny Carson 19116% 19117Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on 19118better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating 19119during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying, 19120"Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house." 19121 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate 19122maybe, but not in the House." 19123% 19124Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives. 19125 -- Maurice Chevalier 19126% 19127Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good 19128reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional 19129concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere, 19130disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without 19131any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced 19132meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like 19133Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the 19134adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively 19135authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public 19136television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular 19137sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by 19138combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the 19139universe while straddling a giant worm. 19140 -- Arnold Klein 19141% 19142Grub first, then ethics. 19143 -- Bertolt Brecht 19144% 19145GUILLOTINE: 19146 A French chopping center. 19147% 19148Gumperson's Law: 19149 The probability of a given event 19150 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability. 19151% 19152Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people. 19153% 19154Gunter's Airborne Discoveries: 19155 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, 19156 the aircraft will encounter turbulence. 19157 (2) The strength of the turbulence 19158 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee. 19159% 19160GURMLISH: 19161 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents 19162 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth. 19163 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 19164% 19165gurmlish, n.: 19166 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which 19167 prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof 19168 of his mouth. 19169 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 19170% 19171GURU: 19172 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with 19173 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the 19174 phone call you are about to receive from your boss. 19175% 19176guru, n: 19177 A computer owner who can read the manual. 19178% 19179gy-ro-scope: 19180 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also 19181 free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpindicular to 19182 each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the 19183 two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of 19184 torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the 19185 entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on 19186 the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction 19187 of the axis of spin. 19188 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary 19189% 19190hacker, n: 19191 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate 19192things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical 19193philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'. 19194 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body 19195of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in 19196a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight, 19197and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty: 19198 19199 Hacker's Fight Song 19200 19201 He's a Hack! He's a Hack! 19202 He's a guy with the happy knack! 19203 Never bungles, never shirks, 19204 Always gets his stuff to work! 19205 19206All take a drink (important!) 19207% 19208Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers. 19209% 19210Hacker's Guide To Cooking: 192112 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't 19212 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.) 192131 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty 19214 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure) 192151/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too) 192168 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you 19217 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...) 19218"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to 19219 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through 19220 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy 19221 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric 19222 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off 19223 the ceiling(3m). 19224"Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You 19225 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right? 19226 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent 19227 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter. 19228"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge 19229 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and 19230 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin. 19231% 19232Hacker's Law: 19233 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir 19234 a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 19235% 19236Hacker's Law: 19237 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a 19238 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 19239% 19240Hackers of the world, unite! 19241% 19242Hacker's Quicky #313: 19243 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips 19244 Microwave Egg Roll 19245 Chocolate Milk 19246% 19247Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. 19248% 19249"Had he and I but met 19250By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry, 19251We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face, 19252Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me, 19253 And killed him in his place. 19254I shot him dead because -- 19255Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps, 19256Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I -- 19257That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps 19258 No other reason why. 19259Yes; quaint and curious war is! 19260You shoot a fellow down 19261You'd treat, if met where any bar is 19262Or help to half-a-crown." 19263 -- Thomas Hardy 19264% 19265Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some 19266useful hints for the better ordering of the universe. 19267 -- Alfonso the Wise 19268 19269 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 19270 referring to operating system initialization.] 19271% 19272Had this been an actual emergency, we would have 19273fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. 19274% 19275Hail to the sun god 19276He's such a fun god 19277Ra! Ra! Ra! 19278% 19279Hailing frequencies open, Captain. 19280% 19281Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that 19282a big enough majority in any town? 19283 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" 19284% 19285Hale Mail Rule, The: 19286 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least 19287 one of the following: 19288 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter. 19289 (b) Stationery. 19290 (c) Postage stamp. 19291 (d) The letter you are answering. 19292% 19293Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be. 19294But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See? 19295But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee, 19296When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury? 19297% 19298Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.) 19299% 19300Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 19301% 19302Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, 19303and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. 19304% 19305half-done, n: 19306 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, 19307 light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this 19308 and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the 19309 difference between life and death. 19310 19311 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there 19312 in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, 19313 fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, 19314 transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on 19315 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk 19316 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the 19317 man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it? 19318 -- Arthur Naiman 19319% 19320Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank. 19321% 19322Hall's Laws of Politics: 19323 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 19324 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want 19325 something fixed. 19326 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend 19327 military spending, and conservatives social spending in 19328 their own districts). 19329% 19330hand, n: 19331 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human 19332 arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. 19333% 19334Handel's Proverb: 19335 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women! 19336% 19337handshaking protocol, n: 19338 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a 19339 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by 19340 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling. 19341% 19342Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. 19343 -- Pink Floyd 19344% 19345hangover, n: 19346 The wrath of grapes. 19347% 19348Hanlon's Razor: 19349 Never attribute to malice 19350 that which is adequately explained by stupidity. 19351% 19352Hanson's Treatment of Time: 19353 There are never enough hours in a day, 19354 but always too many days before Saturday. 19355% 19356Hanson's Treatment of Time: 19357 There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days 19358 before Saturday. 19359% 19360Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others. 19361% 19362happiness, adv: 19363 An agreeable sensation arising 19364 from contemplating the misery of another. 19365% 19366happiness, adv: 19367 Finding the owner of a lost bikini. 19368% 19369Happiness is a hard disk. 19370% 19371Happiness is a positive cash flow. 19372% 19373Happiness is good health and a bad memory. 19374 -- Ingrid Bergman 19375% 19376Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. 19377 -- Ogden Nash 19378% 19379Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. 19380% 19381Happiness is the greatest good. 19382% 19383Happiness is twin floppies. 19384% 19385Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have. 19386% 19387Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. 19388 -- Oscar Levant 19389% 19390Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length. 19391% 19392Happy feast of the pig! 19393% 19394Happy is the child whose father died rich. 19395% 19396hard, adj: 19397 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those 19398 of other people. 19399% 19400Hard reality has a way of cramping your style. 19401 -- Daniel Dennett 19402% 19403Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance? 19404% 19405Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? 19406 -- Charlie McCarthy 19407% 19408Hardware: 19409 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 19410% 19411Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are Yin 19412and I am Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast 19413sums of money." And so the set forth together, thinking to conquer the world. 19414 Presently they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rage and 19415hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao 19416lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does 19417not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, 19418for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." 19419 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. 19420% 19421hardware, n: 19422 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 19423% 19424Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark 19425The Duke is fond of kittens 19426He likes to take their insides out 19427And use them for his mittens 19428 -- The Thirteen Clocks 19429% 19430Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, 19431Advertising wondrous things. 19432 19433Angels we have heard on High 19434Tell us to go out and Buy. 19435% 19436Harp not on that string. 19437 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 19438% 19439Harriet's Dining Observation: 19440 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats 19441 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread. 19442% 19443Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George 19444and I were waiting with our plates ready. 19445 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help 19446the gravy with." 19447 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to 19448reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round 19449again, Harris and the pie were gone! 19450 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for 19451hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were 19452on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it. 19453 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other. 19454 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried. 19455 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George. 19456 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly 19457theory. 19458 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending 19459to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake." 19460 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he 19461hadn't been carving that pie." 19462 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat" 19463% 19464Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: 19465 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of 19466 equipment ruined. 19467% 19468Harrison's Postulate: 19469For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 19470% 19471Harris's Lament: 19472 All the good ones are taken. 19473% 19474Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as 19475always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that 19476required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There 19477were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50 19478feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit 19479a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the 19480pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral 19481procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club, 19482took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as 19483the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball 19484again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did, 19485waiting for the funeral to pass like that." 19486 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It 19487was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I 19488could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years, 19489you know." 19490% 19491Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us 19492all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for 19493its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs 19494romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any 19495wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They 19496amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses. 19497We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. 19498We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon." 19499 -- Dave Barry 19500% 19501Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with 19502milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the 19503sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do 19504with all that pep and vitality. 19505% 19506Hartley's First Law: 19507 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can 19508 get him to float on his back, you've got something. 19509% 19510Hartley's Second Law: 19511 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 19512% 19513HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW: 19514 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 19515 19516My corollary: 19517 The completely psychotic have all the fun. 19518% 19519Harvard Law: 19520 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, 19521 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the 19522 organism will do as it damn well pleases. 19523% 19524HARVARD: 19525Quarterback: 19526 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with 19527a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinksi 19528has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed 19529has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league. 19530Wide Receiver: 19531 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior 19532Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being 19533fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five 19534or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you 19535asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of 19536those times. 19537YALE: 19538Defense: 19539 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies. 19540Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron 19541Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to 19542the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds 19543out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening 19544coin toss. 19545 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game 19546% 19547Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter? 19548% 19549"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" 19550"Yes; I don't have one." 19551"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..." 19552 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington 19553% 19554Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to 19555defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a 19556non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? 19557 Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This 19558still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only 19559serves to blunt the warning signs. 19560 19561 Long live the revolution! 19562 Have a nice day. 19563% 19564Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed 19565with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard 19566was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. 19567It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural, 19568but a lot harder than it appears. 19569% 19570Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it 19571appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, 19572and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels? Then let us 19573not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its 19574incomparable services as a maker of entertainment. 19575 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 19576% 19577Haste makes waste. 19578 -- John Heywood 19579% 19580Hatcheck girl: 19581 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!" 19582Mae West: 19583 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie." 19584 -- "Night After Night", 1932 19585% 19586Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is 19587stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured. 19588% 19589Hate the sin and love the sinner. 19590 -- Mahatma Gandhi 19591% 19592Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, 19593unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax. 19594 -- Mike Royko 19595% 19596hatred, n: 19597 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. 19598% 19599Have a coke and a smile! 19600 -- John DeLorean 19601% 19602Have a nice day! 19603% 19604Have a nice diurnal anomaly. 19605% 19606Have a place for everything and keep the thing 19607somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom. 19608 -- Mark Twain 19609% 19610Have a taco. 19611 -- P.S. Beagle 19612% 19613Have at you! 19614% 19615Have no friends not equal to yourself. 19616 -- Confucius 19617% 19618Have the courage to take your own thoughts 19619seriously, for they will shape you. 19620 -- Albert Einstein 19621% 19622Have you ever felt like a wounded cow 19623halfway between an oven and a pasture? 19624walking in a trance toward a pregnant 19625 seventeen-year-old housewife's 19626 two-day-old cookbook? 19627 -- Richard Brautigan 19628% 19629Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned? 19630 19631Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me, 19632she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and 19633whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical. 19634So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to 19635remain so. 19636 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady" 19637% 19638Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying 19639to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play' 19640never find the time for play? 19641% 19642Have you flogged your kid today? 19643% 19644Have you locked your file cabinet? 19645% 19646Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, 19647vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk? 19648% 19649Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can 19650photograph an American with his mouth shut! 19651% 19652Have you seen the old man in the closed down market, 19653Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes? 19654In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side 19655Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news. 19656 19657How can you tell me you're lonely, 19658And say for you the sun don't shine? 19659Let me take you by the hand 19660Lead you through the streets of London 19661I'll show you something to make you change your mind... 19662 19663Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission 19664Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears. 19665In our winter city the rain cries a little pity 19666For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care... 19667% 19668Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue? 19669On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air, 19670High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars, 19671Spending every dime, for a wonderful time... 19672If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, 19673Why don't you go where fashion sits, 19674... 19675Dressed up like a million dollar trooper, 19676Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper) 19677Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks, 19678Or umberellas, in their mitts, 19679Puttin' on the Ritz. 19680... 19681If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, 19682Why don't you go where fashion sits, 19683Puttin' on the Ritz. 19684Puttin' on the Ritz. 19685Puttin' on the Ritz. 19686Puttin' on the Ritz. 19687% 19688Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin 19689in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father, 19690then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and 19691eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food, 19692blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After 19693the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home. 19694 -- L.M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman" 19695% 19696Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer. 19697% 19698Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. 19699 -- Martin Mull 19700% 19701Having no talent is no longer enough. 19702 -- Gore Vidal 19703% 19704Having nothing, nothing can he lose. 19705 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 19706% 19707Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods. 19708 -- Socrates 19709% 19710Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly 19711relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with 19712the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar. 19713 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big 19714dog, too!" 19715% 19716"Hawk, we're going to die." 19717"Never say die... and certainly never say we." 19718 -- M*A*S*H 19719% 19720Hawkeye's Conclusion: 19721 It's not easy to play the clown 19722 when you've got to run the whole circus. 19723% 19724He: Do you like Kipling? 19725She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled! 19726% 19727He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?" 19728She: "What do you want me to yell?" 19729 -- Benny Hill 19730% 19731HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. 19732SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. 19733 -- Walt Kelley 19734% 19735He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now. 19736 -- S. Wright 19737% 19738He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all 19739the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home." 19740 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days" 19741% 19742He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural. 19743 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" 19744% 19745He draweth out the thread of his verbosity 19746finer than the staple of his argument. 19747 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 19748% 19749He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. 19750% 19751He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation 19752perfectly delightful. 19753 -- Sydney Smith 19754% 19755He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild 19756and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned 19757all hope of ever behaving "normally." 19758 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 19759% 19760He hadn't a single redeeming vice. 19761 -- Oscar Wilde 19762% 19763He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer, 19764Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude". 19765 -- Stig's Inferno 19766% 19767He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him. 19768 -- Bion 19769% 19770He hath eaten me out of house and home. 19771 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 19772% 19773He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle 19774of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he 19775said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..." 19776 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West" 19777% 19778He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey. 19779 -- John LeCarre 19780% 19781He is considered a most graceful speaker 19782who can say nothing in the most words. 19783% 19784He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. 19785% 19786He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. 19787 -- Samuel Johnson 19788% 19789He is now rising from affluence to poverty. 19790 -- Mark Twain 19791% 19792He is the best of men who dislikes power. 19793 -- Mohammed 19794% 19795He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. 19796% 19797He jests at scars who never felt a wound. 19798 -- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2" 19799% 19800He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent. 19801% 19802He knew the tavernes well in every toun. 19803 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 19804% 19805He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow. 19806 -- Sir Richard Burton 19807% 19808He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told, 19809once when it's explained, and once when he understands it. 19810% 19811He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered. 19812 -- Ring Lardner 19813% 19814He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. 19815 -- Andrew Lang 19816% 19817He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain 19818had fallen to the ground. 19819 -- The Book of Serenity 19820% 19821(He opens a tolm and begins.) 19822 19823 It says: "In the beginning was the Word." 19824 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd. 19825 The Word does not deserve the highest prize, 19826 I must translate it otherwise. 19827 If I am well inspired and not blind. 19828 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind." 19829 Ponder that first line, wait and see, 19830 Lest you should write too hastily. 19831 Is the Mind the all-creating source? 19832 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force." 19833 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen, 19834 That my translation must be changed again. 19835 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact. 19836 I write: "In the beginning was the Act." 19837 -- Goethe's Faust 19838% 19839[He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace. 19840 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear. 19841 19842My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked. 19843 -- Peter Stack, movie review 19844 19845His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge. 19846 -- John Stark, movie review 19847% 19848He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. 19849 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 19850% 19851He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick, 19852And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. 19853 -- O. Nash, on the perfect husband 19854% 19855He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. 19856 -- J.R.R. Tolkien 19857% 19858He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open. 19859 -- Scottish proverb. 19860% 19861He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book. 19862 -- B. Franklin 19863% 19864He that is giddy thinks the world turns round. 19865 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 19866% 19867He that teaches himself has a fool for a master. 19868 -- Benjamin Franklin 19869% 19870He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself. 19871% 19872He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. 19873% 19874He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. 19875 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" 19876% 19877He thought he saw an albatross 19878That fluttered 'round the lamp. 19879He looked again and saw it was 19880A penny postage stamp. 19881"You'd best be getting home," he said, 19882"The nights are rather damp." 19883% 19884He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than 19885three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. 19886In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by 19887slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply, 19888the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'." 19889 -- Eric Van Lustbader 19890% 19891[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had 19892a complete set. 19893 -- Ring Lardner 19894% 19895He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. 19896% 19897He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he 19898made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she 19899disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to 19900dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he 19901told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun." 19902 -- Jack Handey 19903% 19904He was part of my dream, of course -- 19905but then I was part of his dream too. 19906 -- Lewis Carroll 19907% 19908He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. 19909% 19910He was the sort of person whose personality 19911would be greatly improved by a terminal illness. 19912% 19913He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. 19914% 19915He who attacks the fundamentals of the American 19916broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. 19917 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS 19918% 19919He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for 19920the human condition is a fool. 19921 -- Albert Camus 19922% 19923He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser. 19924 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 19925% 19926He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool. 19927 -- Balzac 19928% 19929He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside. 19930 -- Sinbad 19931% 19932He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. 19933% 19934He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over. 19935% 19936He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. 19937% 19938He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet. 19939% 19940He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. 19941% 19942He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much 19943a master of the world as he who is ready to die. 19944 -- Giacomo Leopardi 19945% 19946He who hates vices hates mankind. 19947% 19948He who hesitates is a damned fool. 19949 -- Mae West 19950% 19951He who hesitates is last. 19952% 19953He who hesitates is sometimes saved. 19954% 19955He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day. 19956% 19957He who invents adages for others to peruse 19958takes along rowboat when going on cruise. 19959% 19960He who is content with his lot probably has a lot. 19961% 19962He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist. 19963% 19964He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. 19965% 19966He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't 19967encounter many rivals. 19968 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms" 19969% 19970He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the 19971night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his 19972senses until the day of judgement. 19973 -- Saadi 19974% 19975He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon. 19976% 19977He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. 19978 -- Lao Tsu 19979% 19980He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him. 19981He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him. 19982He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him. 19983% 19984He who knows nothing, knows nothing. 19985But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. 19986And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, 19987 he knows something. Or something like that. 19988% 19989He who knows others is wise. 19990He who knows himself is enlightened. 19991 -- Lao Tsu 19992% 19993He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. 19994 -- Lao Tsu 19995% 19996He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news. 19997 -- Bertolt Brecht 19998% 19999He who laughs last -- missed the punch line. 20000% 20001He who laughs last didn't get the joke. 20002% 20003He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth. 20004% 20005He who laughs last is probably your boss. 20006% 20007He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke. 20008% 20009He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained. 20010% 20011He who laughs, lasts. 20012% 20013He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes. 20014% 20015He who loses, wins the race, 20016And parallel lines meet in space. 20017 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth" 20018% 20019He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. 20020 -- Dr. Johnson 20021% 20022He who minds his own business is never unemployed. 20023% 20024He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will 20025be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known. 20026 -- Sir Richard Burton 20027% 20028He who slings mud generally loses ground. 20029 -- Adlai Stevenson 20030% 20031He who slings mud loses ground. 20032 -- Chinese Proverb 20033% 20034He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. 20035% 20036He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance. 20037% 20038He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned. 20039 -- Sinbad 20040% 20041He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. 20042 -- M.C. Escher 20043% 20044He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion 20045on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general 20046education and culture. 20047 -- Julia Norton McCorkle 20048% 20049HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!! 20050Details at 11. 20051% 20052Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 20053% 20054Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, 20055lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 20056 -- Redd Foxx 20057% 20058Hear about... 20059 the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and 20060 started chiseling on his wife? 20061% 20062Hear about... 20063 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she 20064 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea? 20065% 20066Hear about... 20067 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and 20068 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended 20069 up a chopped libber? 20070% 20071Hear about... 20072 the guru who refused Novacain while having a tooth pulled because 20073 he wanted to transcend dental medication? 20074% 20075Hear about... 20076 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings 20077 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This 20078 Space"? 20079% 20080Hear about... 20081 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated 20082 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the 20083 typewriter's ribbon? 20084% 20085Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus? 20086Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. 20087% 20088Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. 20089From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever. 20090 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce 20091% 20092Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several 20093Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world. 20094% 20095Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. 20096 -- The Wizard of Oz 20097% 20098Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, 20099on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning. 20100 -- Dr. John Lightfoot, 20101 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University 20102% 20103heaven, n: 20104 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of 20105 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while 20106 you expound your own. 20107% 20108Heavier than air flying machines are impossible. 20109 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895 20110% 20111heavy, adj: 20112 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. 20113% 20114Hedonist for hire... no job too easy! 20115% 20116Heisenberg may have been here. 20117% 20118Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. 20119 -- Milton Friedman 20120% 20121Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place, 20122for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be. 20123 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus" 20124% 20125Hell, if you don't try to remake someone, 20126how are they supposed to know you care? 20127% 20128Hell is empty and all the devils are here. 20129 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest" 20130% 20131hell, n: 20132 Truth seen too late. 20133% 20134Heller's Law: 20135 The first myth of management is that it exists. 20136% 20137Heller's Law: 20138 The first myth of management is that it exists. 20139 20140Johnson's Corollary: 20141 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the 20142 organization. 20143% 20144Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you 20145please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you. 20146Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 20147% 20148Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a 20149date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see? 20150And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so 20151you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right 20152smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you 20153don't hear your girl screaming any more? 20154 20155 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high! 20156 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off! 20157 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship! 20158% 20159"Hello," he lied. 20160 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent 20161% 20162Hell's broken loose. 20163 -- Robert Greene 20164% 20165Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory! 20166% 20167Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! 20168% 20169HELP! Man trapped in a human body! 20170% 20171HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! 20172 -- E. E. CUMMINGS 20173% 20174Help a swallow land at Capistrano. 20175% 20176HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib! 20177% 20178Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! 20179% 20180Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants! 20181% 20182Hempstone's Question: 20183 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? 20184% 20185Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without 20186getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering 20187her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or 20188regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make 20189them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging 20190them, without any power of engaging their respect. 20191 -- J. Austen 20192% 20193Her locks an ancient lady gave 20194Her loving husband's life to save; 20195And men -- they honored so the dame -- 20196Upon some stars bestowed her name. 20197 20198But to our modern married fair, 20199Who'd give their lords to save their hair, 20200No stellar recognition's given. 20201There are not stars enough in heaven. 20202% 20203Here about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery? 20204One fortunate cookie... 20205% 20206Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; 20207from President's and Kings to the scum of the earth... 20208% 20209Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. 20210% 20211Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be 20212I've been caught inside this trap too many times 20213I must've walked these steps and said these words a 20214 thousand times before 20215It seems like I know everybody's lines. 20216 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?" 20217% 20218Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when 20219I grow up. 20220 -- Peter Drucker 20221% 20222Here I sit, broken-hearted, 20223All logged in, but work unstarted. 20224First net.this and net.that, 20225And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. 20226 20227The boss comes by, and I play the game, 20228Then I turn back to net.flame. 20229Is there a cure (I need your views), 20230For someone trapped in net.news? 20231 20232I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 20233'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. 20234% 20235Here in my heart, I am Helen; 20236 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. 20237I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael; 20238 I'm Salome, moon of the East. 20239 20240Here in my soul I am Sappho; 20241 Lady Hamilton am I, as well. 20242In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, 20243 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell. 20244 20245I'm all of the glamorous ladies 20246 At whose beckoning history shook. 20247But you are a man, and see only my pan, 20248 So I stay at home with a book. 20249 -- Dorothy Parker 20250% 20251Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical 20252lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your 20253hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you 20254notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This 20255teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never 20256use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. 20257 It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed 20258your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects 20259that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. 20260The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, 20261where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels 20262down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. 20263 -- Dave Barry 20264% 20265Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: 20266if you're alive, it isn't. 20267% 20268Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According 20269to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe 20270marketing anxiety in China. 20271 20272The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the 20273inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". 20274 20275Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 20276 20277The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get 20278a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax 20279tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad 20280satiric vistas do not open up. 20281 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle 20282% 20283HERE LIES LESTER MOORE 20284SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44 20285NO LES 20286NO MOORE 20287 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ 20288% 20289Here lies my wife: her let her lie! 20290Now she's at rest, and so am I. 20291 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife 20292% 20293Here there by tygers. 20294% 20295HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in 20296the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms 20297around as if you're going to fall. 20298 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 20299% 20300Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 20301`Psychic Wins Lottery.' 20302 -- Jay Leno 20303% 20304Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther 20305King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: 20306 20307 * Governmental offices 20308 * Post offices 20309 * Libraries 20310 * Schools 20311 * Banks 20312 * Parts of Palm Beach 20313 20314and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina. 20315 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" 20316% 20317Herth's Law: 20318 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck. 20319% 20320He's been like a father to me, 20321He's the only DJ you can get after three, 20322I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band, 20323And why he don't like me I don't understand. 20324 -- The Byrds 20325% 20326He's dead, Jim. 20327% 20328He's got the heart of a little child, 20329and he keeps it in a jar on his desk. 20330% 20331He's just a politician trying to save both his faces... 20332% 20333He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows. 20334% 20335He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of 20336his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not. 20337 -- Phil Lapsley 20338% 20339He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd 20340be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. 20341% 20342Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. 20343If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms. 20344% 20345Hewett's Observation: 20346 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or 20347 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of 20348 peers similarly engaged. 20349% 20350Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl 20351To get a little more stack; 20352If that's not enough then you lose it all 20353And have to pop all the way back. 20354% 20355Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were 20356gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number? 20357% 20358HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 20359 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to 20360 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because 20361 these words were spoken. 20362% 20363"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" 20364"Whattaya need?" 20365"Oh, about $500." 20366"Whattaya got for collateral?" 20367"Whattaya need?" 20368"How about an eye?" 20369 -- Sam Giancana 20370% 20371Hey, what do you expect from a culture that 20372*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*? 20373 -- Gallagher 20374% 20375Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother 20376Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants. 20377% 20378Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and 20379the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please 20380leave your name and message after the beep... 20381% 20382Hi! How are things going? 20383 (just fine, thank you...) 20384Great! Say, could I bother you for a question? 20385 (you just asked one...) 20386Well, how about one more? 20387 (one more than the first one?) 20388Yes. 20389 (you already asked that...) 20390[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ] 20391May I ask two questions, sir? 20392 (no.) 20393May I ask ONE then? 20394 (nope...) 20395Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question? 20396 (yes, you may.) 20397Sir, how may I ask you a question? 20398 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for 20399 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that 20400 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the 20401 next one) 20402Sir, may I ask nine questions? 20403 (go right ahead...) 20404% 20405Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As 20406you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal 20407height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have 20408a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you probably have the 20409makings of an excellent legal case. Although of course every case is 20410different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training, 20411there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a 20412cabin cruiser. 20413 20414Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our 20415motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.' 20416 -- Dave Barry 20417% 20418Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax. 20419You wanna help on the audit now? 20420% 20421Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person 20422reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, 20423nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. 20424% 20425Hickery Dickery Dock, 20426The mice ran up the clock, 20427The clock struck one, 20428The others escaped with minor injuries. 20429% 20430Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse? 20431 20432 WE CAN HELP! 20433 20434Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment. 20435% 20436Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich; 20437Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich. 20438Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws 20439Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; 20440 We buried him today because 20441 As far as we can tell, he's dead. 20442 20443 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty 20444 Sue Bach and written by the local doggeral catcher; 20445 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele 20446% 20447Higgeldy Piggeldy, 20448Hamlet of Elsinore 20449Ruffled the critics by 20450Dropping this bomb: 20451"Phooey on Freud and his 20452Psychoanalysis, 20453Oedipus, Shmoedipus, 20454I just loved Mom." 20455% 20456Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue. 20457Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a 20458 little of both. 20459 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion" 20460% 20461High heels are a device invented by a woman 20462who was tired of being kissed on the forehead. 20463% 20464High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven: 20465Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high 20466 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it 20467 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the 20468 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and 20469 breakfast cereals, and lima bean- 20470High Priest: Skip a bit, brother. 20471Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take 20472 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. 20473 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the 20474 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither 20475 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is 20476 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached, 20477 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being 20478 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen. 20479All: Amen. 20480 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade" 20481% 20482HIGH TECHNOLOGY: 20483 A California innovation composed 20484 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana. 20485% 20486Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor. 20487% 20488Hildebrant's Principle: 20489 If you don't know where you are going, 20490 any road will get you there. 20491% 20492Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?" 20493Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist." 20494Him: "Really? That's incredible... 20495 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness." 20496 -- "The Jerk" 20497% 20498Hindsight is always 20:20. 20499 -- Billy Wilder 20500% 20501Hindsight is an exact science. 20502% 20503hippogriff, n: 20504 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. 20505 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half 20506 eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter 20507 eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. 20508 The study of zoology is full of surprises. 20509% 20510Hire the morally handicapped. 20511% 20512His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob 20513a lady of her fortune by way of marriage. 20514 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" 20515% 20516...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest. 20517 -- Tommy 20518% 20519"His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling 20520outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..." 20521% 20522His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred 20523to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never 20524claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum- 20525stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit. 20526Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers 20527went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of 20528prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri, 20529goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through 20530the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the 20531Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze 20532rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday. 20533Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique... 20534 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" 20535% 20536His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. 20537% 20538His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water. 20539 -- P.G. Wodehouse 20540% 20541His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. 20542% 20543His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice. 20544 -- Foghorn Leghorn 20545% 20546His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. 20547% 20548Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer 20549of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that 20550continues to this day. 20551 -- Wayne Shannon 20552% 20553History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. 20554% 20555History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history 20556of the Mexican revolution: 20557 20558 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was 20559captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and 20560shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to 20561the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the 20562army where he was then executed." 20563% 20564History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- 20565i.e. none to speak of. 20566 -- Lazarus Long 20567% 20568History is curious stuff 20569 You'd think by now we had enough 20570Yet the fact remains I fear 20571 They make more of it every year. 20572% 20573History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, 20574cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names. 20575 -- Leo Tolstoy 20576% 20577History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians). 20578% 20579History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on. 20580 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" 20581% 20582History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. 20583% 20584History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second 20585time as bedroom farce. 20586% 20587History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time. 20588% 20589History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, 20590periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them 20591asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at 20592intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago 20593state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained. 20594 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species" 20595% 20596Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy, 20597Burn that sausage just a match or two more done. 20598Pour my black old coffee longer, 20599While that smell is gettin' stronger 20600A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want. 20601 20602Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me, 20603With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun, 20604If that coat'll fit you're wearin', 20605The Lord'll bless your sharin' 20606A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want. 20607 20608And let me halfway fall in love, 20609For part of a lonely night, 20610With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. 20611Yes, I could halfway fall in deep-- 20612Into a snugglin', lovin' heap, 20613With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. 20614 -- Elroy Blunt 20615% 20616Hitchcock's Staple Principle: 20617 The stapler runs out of staples 20618 only while you are trying to staple something. 20619% 20620H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. Mencken. 20621There is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 20622 -- Maxwell Bodenhein 20623% 20624H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. 20625Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 20626 -- Maxwell Bodenheim 20627% 20628H.L. Mencken's Law: 20629 Those who can -- do. 20630 Those who can't -- teach. 20631 20632Martin's Extension: 20633 Those who cannot teach -- administrate. 20634 20635 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.] 20636% 20637Hlade's Law: 20638 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- 20639 they will find an easier way to do it. 20640% 20641Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents: 20642An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel. 20643 20644The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional 20645media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters, 20646discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores 20647our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental 20648structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to 20649remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and 20650creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its 20651inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and 20652class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of 20653the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has 20654sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to 20655exist in a more fundamental sense. 20656% 20657Hoare's Law of Large Problems: 20658 Inside every large problem is a small 20659 problem struggling to get out. 20660% 20661Hodie natus est radici frater. 20662% 20663Hoffer's Discovery: 20664 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly 20665 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual. 20666% 20667Hofstadter's Law: 20668 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take 20669 Hofstadter's Law into account. 20670% 20671HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME -- 20672 Take a shot every time: 20673 20674-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!" 20675-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink. 20676-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery. 20677-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go). 20678-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots 20679 if it's one of our heroes on the other end). 20680-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front. 20681-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and 20682 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink). 20683-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground. 20684-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13. 20685-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food). 20686-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter. 20687-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape. 20688-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell". 20689-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive). 20690-- Lebeau wears his apron. 20691-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the 20692 plan is impossible. 20693-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel. 20694% 20695Hollerith, v: 20696 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth. 20697% 20698Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder? 20699Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh? 20700 20701 Tune in again tomorrow: 20702 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! 20703% 20704HOLY MACRO! 20705% 20706Home is the place where, when you have to go there, 20707they have to take you in. 20708 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man" 20709% 20710Home is where the hurt is. 20711% 20712Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a 20713cage is to a cockatoo. 20714 -- George Bernard Shaw 20715% 20716Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat. 20717% 20718"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor. 20719 -- Samuel Butler 20720% 20721Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty. 20722 -- Plato 20723% 20724Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. 20725 -- F.M. Hubbard 20726% 20727Honesty's the best policy. 20728 -- Miguel de Cervantes 20729% 20730honeymoon, n: 20731 A short period of doting between dating and debting. 20732 -- Ray C. Bandy 20733% 20734Honi soit la vache qui rit. 20735% 20736Honk if you love peace and quiet. 20737% 20738honorable, adj: 20739 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative 20740 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; 20741 as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." 20742% 20743Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. 20744 -- Francis Bacon 20745% 20746Hope is a waking dream. 20747 -- Aristotle 20748% 20749Hope not, lest ye be disappointed. 20750 -- M. Horner 20751% 20752Hope that the day after you die is a nice day. 20753% 20754Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. 20755 -- Peanuts 20756% 20757Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much 20758as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with. 20759 -- Moore 20760% 20761Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: 20762 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 20763% 20764Horngren's Observation: 20765 Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 20766% 20767Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. 20768 -- Jack Benny 20769% 20770Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. 20771 -- W.C. Fields 20772% 20773HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N) 20774% 20775HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP... 20776% 20777Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they 20778had towels from my house. 20779 -- Mark Guido 20780% 20781Houdini escaping from New Jersey! 20782% 20783Household hint: 20784 If you are out of cream for your coffee, 20785 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute. 20786% 20787Housework can kill you if done right. 20788 -- Erma Bombeck 20789% 20790Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. 20791 -- Neil Armstrong 20792% 20793How apt the poor are to be proud. 20794 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" 20795% 20796How can you be in two places at once 20797when you're not anywhere at all? 20798% 20799How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind? 20800 -- Schulz 20801% 20802How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? 20803 -- Charles de Gaulle 20804% 20805How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? 20806 -- Pink Floyd 20807% 20808How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our 20809thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another 20810in the waking state? 20811 -- Plato 20812% 20813How can you think and hit at the same time? 20814 -- Yogi Berra 20815% 20816How can you work when the system's so crowded? 20817% 20818How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour? 20819% 20820How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they 20821claim they'll make you? 20822% 20823How come we never talk anymore? 20824% 20825How come wrong numbers are never busy? 20826% 20827How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards 20828in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule? 20829 -- A. Cooper 20830% 20831How could they think women a recreation? 20832Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest? 20833Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm 20834of flesh must prove a luxury of primes; 20835be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth. 20836Which is not to damn the forested China of touching. 20837I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge 20838of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me. 20839The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth. 20840Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins. 20841A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying. 20842I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege, 20843for my life has been eaten in that foliate city. 20844To ambergris. But not for recreation. 20845I would not have lost so much for recreation. 20846 20847Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game 20848of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming. 20849Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness 20850have I come this far, stubborn, disasterous way. 20851But for relish of those archipelagoes of person. 20852To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow, 20853and call and call forever till she turn from bird 20854to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon. 20855To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman 20856in all her fresh particularity of difference. 20857Then oh, through the underwater time of night 20858indecent and still, to speak to her without habit. 20859This I have done with my life, and am content. 20860I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark, 20861standing in the huge singing and the alien world. 20862 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell" 20863% 20864How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? 20865 -- Elliot, "E.T." 20866% 20867"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid 20868to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her." 20869 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat 20870replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were 20871you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be 20872deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your 20873second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested 20874in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then 20875licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but 20876examined his claws. 20877 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been 20878hers and not my own, not ever again." 20879 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 20880% 20881How doth the little crocodile 20882 Improve his shining tail, 20883And pour the waters of the Nile 20884 On every golden scale! 20885 20886How cheerfully he seems to grin, 20887 How neatly spreads his claws, 20888And welcomes little fishes in, 20889 With gently smiling jaws! 20890% 20891How doth the VAX's C-compiler 20892 Improve its object code. 20893And even as we speak does it 20894 Increase the system load. 20895 20896How patiently it seems to run 20897 And spit out error flags, 20898While users, with frustration, all 20899 Tear their clothes to rags. 20900% 20901How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to 20902journalists, and they believe what they read. 20903 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms" 20904% 20905How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them. 20906% 20907How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. 20908% 20909How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? 20910 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero 20911% 20912How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by 20913a waiter at a nice party? 20914 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors 20915d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's 20916inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is 20917cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and 20918bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on. 20919 -- Dave Barry 20920% 20921How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass? 20922% 20923How many weeks are there in a light year? 20924% 20925How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? 20926 -- UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey, Brian Boyle 20927% 20928How much does she love you? 20929Less than you'll ever know. 20930% 20931How much for your women? I want to buy your 20932daughter... how much for the little girl? 20933 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers" 20934% 20935How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work? 20936% 20937How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them? 20938% 20939How often I found where I should be going 20940only by setting out for somewhere else. 20941 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 20942% 20943How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. 20944% 20945How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?" 20946 -- Linus Van Pelt 20947% 20948How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children 20949 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes 20950% 20951How untasteful can you get? 20952% 20953How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. 20954% 20955How you look depends on where you go. 20956% 20957However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity 20958in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea. 20959 -- Tom K. Ryan 20960% 20961However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There 20962is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. 20963There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, 20964or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any 20965powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used 20966sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are 20967not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force 20968government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree 20969with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they 20970threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and 20971tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen 20972that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and 20973"D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to 20974claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more 20975angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group 20976who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll 20977call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step 20978of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans 20979in the name of "conservatism." 20980 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record 20981% 20982HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion 20983that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making 20984changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment 20985was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House 20986amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment 20987was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to. 20988 -- Albuquerque Journal 20989% 20990Hubbard's Law: 20991 Don't take life too seriously; 20992 you won't get out of it alive. 20993% 20994Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!! 20995Oh wait... 20996I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out. 20997Never mind. 20998% 20999Huh? 21000% 21001Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. 21002% 21003Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. 21004Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating 21005table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into 21006a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and 21007walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory 21008x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. 21009% 21010Human kind cannot bear very much reality. 21011 -- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton" 21012% 21013Human resources are human first, and resources second. 21014 -- J. Garbers 21015% 21016Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, 21017responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and 21018immature. 21019 -- Tom Robbins 21020% 21021Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough. 21022 -- Alan Kay 21023% 21024Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people. 21025 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 21026% 21027Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. 21028% 21029Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. 21030 -- William Gilbert 21031% 21032Humorists always sit at the children's table. 21033 -- Woody Allen 21034% 21035"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on 21036chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable 21037jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to 21038state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all 21039through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!" 21040 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham 21041Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged, 21042You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your 21043dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But 21044oil!" 21045 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who" 21046% 21047Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, 21048Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! 21049All the king's horses, 21050And all the king's men, 21051Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again! 21052% 21053Humpty Dumpty was pushed. 21054% 21055Hurewitz's Memory Principle: 21056 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional 21057 to... to... uh..... 21058% 21059I: 21060 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin 21061 with a silk sow. The same is true of money. 21062II: 21063 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would 21064 probably be twice as good as yesterday was. 21065III: 21066 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters. 21067IV: 21068 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to. 21069V: 21070 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output. 21071 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average 21072 output. 21073 -- Norman Augustine 21074% 21075I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. 21076There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work. 21077 -- Gallagher 21078% 21079I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people 21080are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen 21081carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence 21082terrifies people the most. 21083 -- Bob Dylan 21084% 21085I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster. 21086 -- John Hinckley 21087% 21088I ain't got no quarrle with them Viet Congs. 21089 -- Muhammad Ali 21090% 21091I allow the world to live as it chooses, 21092and I allow myself to live as I choose. 21093% 21094I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor 21095or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority 21096viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. 21097 -- Richard M. Nixon 21098 21099What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? 21100 -- Richard M. Nixon 21101% 21102I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their 21103good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies. 21104 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" 21105% 21106I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human. 21107 -- David Bowie 21108% 21109I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. 21110It is never any good to oneself. 21111 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband" 21112% 21113I always say beauty is only sin deep. 21114 -- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat" 21115% 21116I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's 21117accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures. 21118 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren 21119% 21120I always wake up at the crack of ice. 21121 -- Joe E. Lewis 21122% 21123I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle; 21124'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle 21125I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey -- 21126On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day! 21127I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and 21128The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow, 21129Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters, 21130And a cow. And a cow. 21131 21132The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it 21133Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it! 21134The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute, 21135It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot." 21136Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads 21137One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now: 21138 Two game wardens, seven hunters, 21139 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow. 21140 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song" 21141% 21142I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent 21143person, you will not sell me another book. 21144% 21145I am a computer. 21146I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator. 21147% 21148I am a conscientious man, when I throw 21149rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned. 21150 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is" 21151% 21152I am a deeply superficial person. 21153 -- Andy Warhol 21154% 21155I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend 21156than be one. 21157 -- Clarence Darrow 21158% 21159I am a man: nothing human is alien to me. 21160 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 21161% 21162I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented 21163limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice. 21164 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" 21165% 21166I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else. 21167 -- Winston Churchill 21168% 21169I am changing my name to Chrysler 21170I am going down to Washington, D.C. 21171I will tell some power broker 21172 What they did for Iacocca 21173Will be perfectly acceptable to me! 21174 21175I am changing my name to Chrysler, 21176I am heading for that great receiving line. 21177When they hand a million grand out, 21178 I'll be standing with my hand out, 21179Yessir, I'll get mine! 21180% 21181I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves 21182for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man 21183is to suffer for others. 21184 -- Cesar Chavez 21185% 21186I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three 21187quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts 21188otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me. 21189 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell 21190% 21191I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool. 21192 -- Katharine Whitehorn 21193% 21194I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas, 21195I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art 21196was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators. 21197 -- Steven Wright 21198% 21199I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of 21200pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you 21201that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic 21202globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I 21203can't help it. I was born sneering. 21204 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado" 21205% 21206I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy. 21207 -- Yul Brynner, 1956 21208% 21209I am looking for a honest man. 21210 -- Diogenes the Cynic 21211% 21212I am NOMAD! 21213% 21214I am not a crook. 21215 -- Richard Nixon 21216% 21217I am not a politician and my other habits are also good. 21218 -- A. Ward 21219% 21220I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. 21221 -- William Allen White 21222% 21223I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! 21224 -- Paul McCracken 21225% 21226I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger. 21227 -- Gloria Steinem 21228% 21229I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say 21230(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated. 21231 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason" 21232% 21233I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared 21234for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 21235 -- W. Churchill 21236% 21237I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone 21238has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. 21239 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University 21240% 21241I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. 21242% 21243I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can. 21244% 21245I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so. 21246 -- John Donne 21247% 21248I am two with nature. 21249 -- Woody Allen 21250% 21251I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, 21252I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence. 21253 -- Samuel Johnson 21254% 21255I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the 21256sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are 21257loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. 21258 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, 21259 University of Tennessee at Knoxville 21260% 21261I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards 21262why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the 21263small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this 21264would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency. 21265Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures 21266them completely, even molding the keypads. 21267 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979 21268% 21269I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty, 21270ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities. 21271% 21272I B M 21273U B M 21274We all B M 21275For I B M!!!! 21276 -- H.A.R.L.I.E. 21277% 21278I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. 21279 -- Gilda Radner 21280% 21281I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the 21282perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough, 21283I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years 21284and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone 21285a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years 21286together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My 21287wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching 21288the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to 21289be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting 21290to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And 21291as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and 21292twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only 21293with time. 21294 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman" 21295% 21296I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, 21297particularly if he has income and she is pattable. 21298 -- Ogden Nash 21299% 21300I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute 21301-- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) 21302how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishoners for whom 21303to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or 21304political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely 21305because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or 21306the people who might elect him. 21307 -- John F. Kennedy 21308% 21309I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. 21310 -- G.K. Chesterton 21311% 21312I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime. 21313 -- Woody Allen 21314% 21315I believe that professional wrestling is clean 21316and everything else in the world is fixed. 21317 -- Frank Deford, sports writer 21318% 21319I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac 21320thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the 21321total discrediting of the world of reality. 21322 -- Salvador Dali 21323% 21324I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. 21325 -- Will Rogers 21326% 21327I bet the human brain is a kludge. 21328 -- Marvin Minsky 21329% 21330I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on 21331the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel. 21332 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21333% 21334I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always 21335end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get 21336embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and 21337they'd get mad and eat the snowman. 21338 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21339% 21340I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub. 21341 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during 21342 a visit to a London veterans hospital 21343% 21344I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. 21345 -- Stephen Wright 21346% 21347I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see 21348Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the 21349box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon 21350relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a 21351psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be 21352more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable 21353sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to 21354be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe 21355as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd 21356thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover 21357the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning, 21358your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on 21359your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the 21360apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns 21361down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III. 21362 -- Townsend Davis 21363% 21364I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. 21365 -- Biff Barf 21366% 21367I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference. 21368They're still living in the fifties. 21369 -- Strange de Jim 21370% 21371I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. 21372% 21373I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew. 21374All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself. 21375 -- Firesign Theatre 21376% 21377I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother. 21378% 21379I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't. 21380 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body" 21381% 21382I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half. 21383 -- Jay Gould 21384% 21385I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, 21386and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs. 21387 -- Larry Lee 21388% 21389I can relate to that. 21390% 21391I can resist anything but temptation. 21392% 21393I can see him a'comin' 21394With his big boots on, 21395With his big thumb out, 21396He wants to get me. 21397He wants to hurt me. 21398He wants to bring me down. 21399But some time later, 21400When I feel a little straighter, 21401I'll come across a stranger 21402Who'll remind me of the danger, 21403And then.... I'll run him over. 21404Pretty smart on my part! 21405To find my way... In the dark! 21406 -- Phil Ochs 21407% 21408I can write better than anybody who can write faster, 21409and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. 21410 -- A.J. Liebling 21411% 21412I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. 21413 -- Lillian Hellman 21414% 21415I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos. 21416 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics 21417% 21418I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; 21419If it be man's work I will do it. 21420% 21421I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. 21422 -- Steven Pearl 21423% 21424I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. 21425 -- Joe Walsh 21426% 21427I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. 21428 -- Florence Henderson 21429% 21430I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver. 21431 -- Phil Harris 21432% 21433I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side 21434If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will 21435I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With 21436 Your Socks Outside-in 21437I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love 21438Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride 21439I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well 21440I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better 21441I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time 21442 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay" 21443% 21444I can't mate in captivity. 21445 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married. 21446% 21447I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." 21448It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle. 21449 -- Robert Benchley 21450% 21451I can't stand squealers; hit that guy. 21452 -- Albert Anastasia 21453% 21454I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the 21455forms. You've got to kill the people producing them. 21456 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine 21457 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist 21458 Party Conference 21459% 21460I can't understand it. 21461I can't even understand the people who can understand it. 21462 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands 21463% 21464I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a 21465novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. 21466 -- Fred Allen 21467% 21468I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. 21469I'm frightened of the old ones. 21470 -- John Cage 21471% 21472I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his 21473keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating 21474up a child. 21475 -- Stephen Wright 21476% 21477I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time 21478a woman got pregnant, someone left town. 21479 -- Michael Prichard 21480% 21481I consider a new device or technology to have been 21482culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder. 21483 -- M. Gallaher 21484% 21485I consider the day misspent that I am not 21486either charged with a crime, or arrested for one. 21487 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon 21488% 21489I could never learn to like her -- 21490except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. 21491 -- Mark Twain 21492% 21493I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less. 21494% 21495I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the 21496time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand. 21497 -- Peter Oakley 21498% 21499I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise. 21500% 21501I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why 21502I should have to believe in it in this one. 21503 -- Strange de Jim 21504% 21505I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything! 21506 -- Bart Simpson 21507% 21508I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired. 21509But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired. 21510 -- Rita Gain 21511% 21512I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British. 21513% 21514I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. 21515The curtain was up. 21516% 21517"I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!" 21518 -- Zippy the Pinhead 21519% 21520I disagree with what you say, but will defend 21521to the death your right to tell such LIES! 21522% 21523I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk 21524and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously, 21525unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell 21526you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk. 21527 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 21528% 21529I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink 21530too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does. 21531 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 21532% 21533I do desire we may be better strangers. 21534 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 21535% 21536I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one. 21537% 21538I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an 21539exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds 21540entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail 21541to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to 21542perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again 21543from the top down, the result is always different. 21544 -- Mrs. La Touche 21545% 21546I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman 21547Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, 21548nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church. 21549 -- Thomas Paine 21550% 21551I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter 21552quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks 21553the National League for five years. This is the United States of America 21554and one citizen has as much right to play as another. 21555 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a 21556 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if 21557 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The 21558 Cardinals backed down and played. 21559% 21560I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. 21561 -- Isaac Asimov 21562% 21563I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with 21564sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. 21565 -- Galileo Galilei 21566% 21567I do not know myself and God forbid that I should. 21568 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 21569% 21570I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern, 21571any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology 21572comes nearest to it of any. 21573 -- Henry David Thoreau 21574% 21575I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a 21576butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. 21577 -- Chuang-tzu 21578% 21579I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which, 21580starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance, 21581reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to 21582devote it to research in mathematics. 21583 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183 21584% 21585I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them. 21586I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become 21587tiresome. 21588 -- I Ching 21589% 21590I do not take drugs -- I am drugs. 21591 -- Salvador Dali 21592% 21593I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an 21594Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. 21595 -- James Quirk 21596% 21597I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to 21598run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better 21599husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em. 21600 -- The Best of Will Rogers 21601% 21602I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn! 21603 -- Heard in Bethlehem 21604% 21605I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed. 21606 -- Calvin Trillin 21607% 21608I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't 21609deserve that either. 21610 -- Jack Benny 21611% 21612I don't do it for the money. 21613 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal 21614% 21615I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good. 21616 -- K. Coates 21617% 21618I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. 21619 -- Katherine Cebrian 21620% 21621I don't get no respect. 21622% 21623I don't have an eating problem. I eat. 21624I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem. 21625% 21626I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. 21627 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 21628% 21629I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got 21630hundreds of people waiting to abuse me. 21631 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 21632% 21633I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above 21634globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high." 21635 -- Bruce Baum 21636% 21637I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. 21638 -- Elvis Presley 21639% 21640I don't know what Descartes' got, 21641But booze can do what Kant cannot. 21642 -- Mike Cross 21643% 21644I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much 21645more concerned to know what his grandson will be. 21646 -- Abraham Lincoln 21647% 21648I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home. 21649 -- Ken Olson, president of DEC, 1974 21650% 21651I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate. 21652% 21653I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, 21654because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it. 21655 -- Clarence Darrow 21656% 21657I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky. 21658I don't trust him. 21659 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference 21660 with Dutch Schultz. 21661 21662I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a 21663trigger like another guy wipes his nose. 21664 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with 21665 "Legs" Diamond. 21666% 21667I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game. 21668 -- Cash McCall 21669% 21670I don't mind arguing with myself. 21671It's when I lose that it bothers me. 21672 -- Richard Powers 21673% 21674I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the 21675streets and frighten the horses. 21676 -- Victor Hugo 21677% 21678I don't need no arms around me... 21679I don't need no drugs to calm me... 21680I have seen the writing on the wall. 21681Don't think I need anything at all. 21682No! Don't think I need anything at all! 21683All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. 21684All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. 21685 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III 21686% 21687I don't remember it, but I have it written down. 21688% 21689I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before 21690he starts to practice law. 21691 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother 21692 Attorney-General. 21693% 21694I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets 21695fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. 21696 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21697% 21698I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican 21699Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters. 21700 -- Richard Nixon, 1972 21701% 21702"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down 21703to the sea and drown yourselves." 21704 21705"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why 21706you human beings don't." 21707 -- James Thurber 21708% 21709I don't understand you anymore. 21710% 21711I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight, 21712But there will definitely be a party tonight... 21713% 21714I don't want a pickle, 21715I just wanna ride on my motorcycle. 21716And I don't want to die, 21717I just want to ride on my motorcycle. 21718 -- Arlo Guthrie 21719% 21720I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations. 21721 -- Jean Anouilh 21722% 21723I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. 21724I want to achieve immortality through not dying. 21725 -- Woody Allen 21726% 21727I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore. 21728% 21729I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment. 21730 -- Woody Allen 21731% 21732I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive? 21733% 21734I dote on his very absence. 21735 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 21736% 21737I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on 21738earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has 21739succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a 21740goal in front and not behind. 21741 -- George Bernard Shaw 21742% 21743I drink to make other people interesting. 21744 -- George Jean Nathan 21745% 21746I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it. 21747% 21748I enjoy the time that we spend together. 21749% 21750I exist, therefore I am paid. 21751% 21752I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. 21753% 21754I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head... 21755% 21756I fell asleep reading a dull book, 21757and I dreamt that I was reading on, 21758so I woke up from sheer boredom. 21759% 21760I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an 21761honest difference of opinion. 21762 - Isaac Asimov 21763% 21764I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts. 21765I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups. 21766 -- Steven Wright 21767% 21768I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40. 21769 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd 21770 just shot. 21771% 21772I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble. 21773 -- Augustus Caesar 21774% 21775I gave my love an Apple, that had no core; 21776I gave my love a building, that had no floor; 21777I wrote my love a program, that had no end; 21778I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'. 21779 21780How can there be an Apple, that has no core? 21781How can there be a building, that has no floor? 21782How can there be a program, that has no end? 21783How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'? 21784 21785An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core! 21786A building that's perfect, it has no flaw! 21787A program with GOTOs, it has no end! 21788I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'! 21789% 21790I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. 21791 -- Mae West 21792% 21793I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. 21794 -- Chauncey Depew 21795% 21796I get up each morning, gather my wits. 21797Pick up the paper, read the obits. 21798If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 21799So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 21800 21801Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? 21802My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. 21803But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, 21804And think of the places my get-up has been. 21805 -- Pete Seeger 21806% 21807I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who? 21808 -- Beauregard Bugleboy 21809% 21810I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. 21811 -- H.L. Mencken 21812% 21813I go the way that Providence dictates. 21814 -- Adolf Hitler 21815% 21816"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I 21817pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He 21818said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors 21819opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked 21820at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around 21821with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. 21822Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said 21823'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...' 21824The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank... 21825It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you 21826attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we 21827would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones, 21828I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, 21829and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never 21830called me again." 21831 -- Stephen Wright 21832% 21833I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now 21834when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and 21835farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go." 21836 -- Steven Wright 21837% 21838I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were 21839wearing masks for. 21840 -- James Boren 21841% 21842I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add. 21843 -- Steven Wright 21844% 21845I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie 21846theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the 21847other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession 21848stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a 21849long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children 21850$2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to 21851a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95. 21852 -- Steven Wright 21853% 21854I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals. 21855 -- Butch Cassidy 21856% 21857I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up 21858and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. 21859 21860No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the 21861human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when 21862you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is 21863generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid 21864puppet. 21865 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21866% 21867I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit 21868was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse 21869being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities. 21870 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21871% 21872I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took 21873time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to 21874win -- or even how you won. 21875 -- Cash McCall 21876% 21877I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of 21878other people... Certainty is just an emotion. 21879 -- Hal Clement 21880% 21881I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him 21882Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat 21883one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear. 21884 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21885% 21886I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought. 21887 -- D. Cavett 21888% 21889I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and 21890we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." 21891 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21892% 21893I had a dream last night... 21894I dreamt about 1976. 21895I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage... 21896I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant. 21897Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare... 21898so I went back to sleep again. 21899 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72" 21900% 21901I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond 21902depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might 21903see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing 21904through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly 21905why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after 21906dinner and I let it go. 21907 -- Winston Churchill 21908% 21909I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind 21910in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami 21911Beach." 21912 -- The Stunt Man 21913% 21914I had another dream the other day about government financial management 21915people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they 21916had stepped out of a painting by Goya. 21917% 21918I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small 21919and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a 21920painting by Goya. 21921 -- Stravinsky 21922% 21923I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black 21924people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people 21925put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any 21926power to make things different is a bitch. 21927 -- Miles Davis 21928% 21929I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, 21930so I took his shoes. 21931 -- Dave Barry 21932% 21933I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and 21934implement a PL/1 compiler. 21935 -- T. Cheatham 21936% 21937I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense. 21938% 21939I hate babies. They're so human. 21940 -- H.H. Munro 21941% 21942I hate dying. 21943 -- Dave Johnson 21944% 21945I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means 21946it's going to be up all night. 21947 -- Steven Wright 21948% 21949I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, 21950and I know how bad I am. 21951 -- Samuel Johnson 21952% 21953I hate quotations. 21954 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 21955% 21956I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park 21957there's nothing else to do. 21958 -- Lenny Bruce 21959% 21960I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a 21961ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon. 21962 -- Willow 21963% 21964I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I 21965open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the 21966box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get 21967it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I 21968had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend 21969of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a 21970call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone 21971doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I 21972didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens. 21973 -- S. Wright 21974% 21975I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here, 21976Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me 21977and just keeps on typing. 21978 -- Stephen Wright 21979% 21980I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, 21981the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to 21982sit down together at the table of brotherhood. 21983 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 21984% 21985I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When 21986I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I... 21987I just... to make a long story short..." 21988 -- Stephen Wright 21989% 21990I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up. 21991 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters. 21992% 21993I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. 21994I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen 21995some of it. 21996 -- Steven Wright 21997% 21998I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me, 21999And what can be the use of him is more than I can see. 22000He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head; 22001And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed. 22002 22003The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow-- 22004Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow; 22005For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball, 22006And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all. 22007 -- R.L. Stevenson 22008% 22009I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. 22010I spent last summer folding it. 22011People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". 22012 -- Steven Wright 22013% 22014I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. 22015 -- Richard Diran 22016% 22017I have a simple philosophy: 22018 22019 Fill what's empty. 22020 Empty what's full. 22021 Scratch where it itches. 22022 -- A.R. Longworth 22023% 22024I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once 22025in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I 22026got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!" 22027 -- Steven Wright 22028% 22029I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell. 22030% 22031I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, 22032but I can't prove it. 22033% 22034I have a very small mind and must live with it. 22035 -- E. Dijkstra 22036% 22037I have a very strange feeling about this... 22038 -- Luke Skywalker 22039% 22040"I have accepted Provolone into my life!" 22041 -- Zippy the Pinhead 22042% 22043I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to 22044sacrifice my wife's brother. 22045 -- Artemus Ward 22046% 22047I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes 22048to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form. 22049 -- Winston Churchill, 1903 22050% 22051I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it. 22052 -- Steven Wright 22053% 22054I have become me without my consent. 22055% 22056I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which 22057would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark." 22058 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 22059% 22060I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, 22061which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'. 22062 -- Dave Barry 22063% 22064I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per 22065cent an idiot. 22066 -- George Bernard Shaw 22067% 22068I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable 22069to sit still in a room. 22070 -- Blaise Pascal 22071% 22072I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. 22073I tell them the truth and they never believe me. 22074 -- Camillo Di Cavour 22075% 22076I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and 22077to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and 22078support of the woman I love. 22079 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication 22080 of the British throne in order to marry the American 22081 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. 22082% 22083I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience 22084most of them are trash. 22085 -- Sigmund Freud 22086% 22087I have gained this by philosophy: 22088that I do without being commanded what others 22089do only from fear of the law. 22090 -- Aristotle 22091% 22092I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my 22093wife's brother. 22094 -- Artemus Ward 22095% 22096I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. 22097 -- Edgar Allan Poe 22098% 22099I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent 22100of a prostate operation. 22101 -- Malcolm Muggeridge 22102% 22103I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning. 22104 -- Plato 22105% 22106I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. 22107I do believe that is a record. 22108 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words 22109% 22110I have learned silence from the talkative, 22111toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind. 22112 -- Kahlil Gibran 22113% 22114I have lots of things in my pockets; 22115None of them is worth anything. 22116Sociopolitical whines aside, 22117Gan you give me, gratis, free, 22118The price of half a gallon 22119Of Gallo extra bad 22120And most of the bus fare home. 22121% 22122I have made mistakes but I have never made the 22123mistake of claiming that I have never made one. 22124 -- James Gordon Bennett 22125% 22126I have made this letter longer than usual 22127because I lack the time to make it shorter. 22128 -- Blaise Pascal 22129% 22130I have more hit points that you can possible imagine. 22131% 22132I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY! 22133 -- Cerebus, #82 22134% 22135I have never been one to sacrifice 22136my appetite on the altar of appearance. 22137 -- A.M. Readyhough 22138% 22139I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. 22140 -- Mark Twain 22141% 22142I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck. 22143 -- Rob Pike, on X. 22144 22145Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be 22146gone in two years. He was half right. 22147 -- Dennis Ritchie 22148 22149Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong. 22150 -- Jim Gettys 22151% 22152I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts 22153already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic 22154establishment. 22155 -- Alan Bennett 22156% 22157I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, 22158in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals. 22159 -- Thoreau 22160% 22161I have no doubt the Devil grins, 22162As seas of ink I spatter. 22163Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins-- 22164The other kind don't matter. 22165 -- Robert W. Service 22166% 22167I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his 22168own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks 22169of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin. 22170 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 22171% 22172I have not yet begun to byte! 22173% 22174I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land. 22175 -- George Wallace 22176% 22177I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, 22178and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would 22179be blockhead enough to have me. 22180 -- Abraham Lincoln 22181% 22182I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart. 22183 -- Jimmy Carter 22184% 22185I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. 22186 -- Publilius Syrus 22187% 22188I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these 22189Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal 22190advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages 22191for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and 22192after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government 22193of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only 22194commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even 22195the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the 22196reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations... 22197 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were 22198a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the 22199execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some 22200justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I 22201venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will 22202ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if 22203made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to 22204declare the construction of such machinery impracticable... 22205 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed 22206by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its 22207advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I 22208think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse 22209calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country. 22210In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not 22211be economized by the aid of machinery. 22212 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher" 22213% 22214I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. 22215 -- Kehlog Albran 22216% 22217I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems. 22218% 22219I have that old biological urge, 22220I have that old irresistible surge, 22221I'm hungry. 22222% 22223I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. 22224 -- Oscar Wilde 22225% 22226I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink. 22227 -- Richard Burton 22228% 22229I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with 22230the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest 22231authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year. 22232 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall 22233 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior 22234 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new 22235 science of data processing), c. 1957 22236% 22237I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. 22238 -- John D. Rockefeller 22239% 22240I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when 22241you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. 22242 -- Poul Anderson 22243% 22244I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. 22245% 22246I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. 22247% 22248I hear the sound that the machines make, 22249and feel my heart break, just for a moment. 22250% 22251I hear what you're saying but I just don't care. 22252% 22253I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very 22254interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell 22255more than he knows. 22256 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 22257% 22258I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing... 22259 -- Thomas Jefferson 22260% 22261I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips, 22262I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips, 22263My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here, 22264But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir. 22265 22266The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why, 22267For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie, 22268I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine, 22269So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine. 22270 22271 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine" 22272% 22273I hope you're not pretending to be evil while 22274secretly being good. That would be dishonest. 22275% 22276I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do? 22277 -- Raoul Duke 22278% 22279I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. 22280I think I saw God. 22281 -- B. Hathrume Duk 22282% 22283I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. 22284He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial 22285and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I 22286ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed. 22287 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times" 22288% 22289I just got out of the hospital after a 22290speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. 22291 -- S. Wright 22292% 22293I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field. 22294 -- Casey Stengel 22295% 22296I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. 22297 -- Bill Hoest 22298% 22299"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." 22300"Did you ever see a doctor?" 22301"No, just spots." 22302% 22303I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. 22304I haven't had time for tobacco since. 22305 -- Arturo Toscanini 22306% 22307I knew her before she was a virgin. 22308 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day 22309% 22310I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off... 22311If I could just remember what it was. 22312% 22313I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better 22314take one along that worked. 22315 -- Raymond Chandler 22316% 22317I know if you been talkin' you done said 22318just how suprised you wuz by the living dead. 22319You wuz suprised that they could understand you words 22320and never respond once to all the truth they heard. 22321But don't you get square! 22322There ain't no rule that says they got to care. 22323They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind. 22324% 22325I know not how I came into this, 22326shall I call it a dying life or a living death? 22327 -- St. Augustine 22328% 22329I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but 22330World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. 22331 -- Albert Einstein 22332% 22333I know on which side my bread is buttered. 22334 -- John Heywood 22335% 22336I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! 22337The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. 22338 -- Charles Schulz 22339% 22340I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when 22341you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination. 22342 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 22343% 22344I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all 22345custody means. Get even with your old lady. 22346 -- Lenny Bruce 22347% 22348"I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?' 22349Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track 22350myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the 22351world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself 22352one question: `Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?" 22353 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211 22354% 22355I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, 22356but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what 22357it means. 22358% 22359I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said, 22360but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant. 22361% 22362I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere. 22363% 22364I lately lost a preposition; 22365It hid, I thought, beneath my chair 22366And angrily I cried, "Perdition! 22367Up from out of under there." 22368 22369Correctness is my vade mecum, 22370And straggling phrases I abhor, 22371And yet I wondered, "What should he come 22372Up from out of under for?" 22373 -- Morris Bishop 22374% 22375I lay my head on the railroad tracks, 22376Waitin' for the double E. 22377The railroad don't run no more. 22378Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus] 22379 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me. 22380 These young girls won't let me be, 22381 Lord have mercy on me! 22382 Woe is me! 22383 22384Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood, 22385Well, I ain't naming names. 22386But she really worked me over good, 22387She was just like Jesse James. 22388She really worked me over good, 22389She was a credit to her gender. 22390She put me through some changes, boy, 22391Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus] 22392 22393I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar, 22394She asked me if I'd beat her. 22395She took me back to the Hyatt House, 22396I don't want to talk about it. [chorus] 22397 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me" 22398% 22399I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they 22400didn't is just lyin'! 22401 -- Willie Nelson 22402% 22403I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. 22404 -- Art Leo 22405% 22406I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull 22407that kidnapped Europa. 22408 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 22409% 22410I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to 22411promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want 22412peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of 22413the way and let them have it. 22414 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 22415% 22416I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. 22417% 22418I like young girls. Their stories are shorter. 22419 -- Tom McGuane 22420% 22421I like your game but we have to change the rules. 22422% 22423I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes. 22424% 22425I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts 22426to bite people themselves. 22427 -- August Strindberg 22428% 22429I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. 22430I may not get there, but I'm going first class. 22431 -- Art Buchwald 22432% 22433I love being married. It's so great to find that one special 22434person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 22435 -- Rita Rudner 22436% 22437I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then 22438someone takes them away. 22439 -- Nancy Mitford 22440% 22441I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog. 22442It's a rat with a thyroid problem. 22443% 22444I love mankind ... It's people I hate. 22445 -- Schulz 22446% 22447I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known. 22448 -- Walt Disney 22449% 22450I love the smell of napalm in the morning. 22451 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now" 22452% 22453I love treason but hate a traitor. 22454 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 22455% 22456I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last. 22457 -- Elvis Costello 22458% 22459I love you, not only for what you are, 22460but for what I am when I am with you. 22461 -- Roy Croft 22462% 22463I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might 22464commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it 22465irresistable. 22466 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer" 22467% 22468I married beneath me. All women do. 22469 -- Lady Nancy Astor 22470% 22471I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up! 22472% 22473I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously. 22474 -- Doctor Graper 22475% 22476I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. 22477 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 22478% 22479I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything. 22480 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo" 22481% 22482I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at 22483clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. 22484 -- Steven Wright 22485% 22486I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a 22487congressman. 22488 -- Will Rogers 22489% 22490I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's; 22491I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create. 22492 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" 22493% 22494I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. 22495 -- Alexander Woolcott 22496% 22497I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a 22498week sometimes to make it up. 22499 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" 22500% 22501I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts! 22502% 22503I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts. 22504% 22505I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres 22506and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit 22507-- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if 22508we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand 22509feet for the base. 22510 22511And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson 22512sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770 22513m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to 22514roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the 22515sun. Very little air will leak over the edges. 22516 22517Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface 22518area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the 22519crowding. 22520 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld" 22521% 22522I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head. 22523 -- Fratianno 22524% 22525I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the 22526legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that 22527way. 22528 -- Jay Gould 22529% 22530I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted 22531something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something. 22532 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil 22533% 22534I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget. 22535 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the 22536 Royal Family 22537% 22538I never did it that way before. 22539% 22540I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the 22541places they do today. 22542 -- Will Rogers 22543% 22544I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they 22545could do was to go away. 22546% 22547I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. 22548 -- Groucho Marx 22549% 22550I never killed a man that didn't deserve it. 22551 -- Mickey Cohen 22552% 22553I never loved another person the way I loved myself. 22554 -- Mae West 22555% 22556I never made a mistake in my life. 22557I thought I did once, but I was wrong. 22558 -- Lucy Van Pelt 22559% 22560I never met a man I didn't want to fight. 22561 -- Lyle Alzado, professional footbal lineman 22562% 22563I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. 22564% 22565I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook. 22566% 22567I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; 22568what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats. 22569% 22570I never saw a purple cow 22571I never hope to see one 22572But I can tell you anyhow 22573I'd rather see than be one. 22574 -- Gellett Burgess 22575 22576I've never seen a purple cow 22577I never hope to see one 22578But from the milk we're getting now 22579There certainly must be one 22580 -- Odgen Nash 22581 22582Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow" 22583I'm sorry now I wrote it 22584But I can tell you anyhow 22585I'll kill you if you quote it. 22586 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later 22587% 22588I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way. 22589% 22590I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. 22591 -- W.C. Fields 22592% 22593I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. 22594 -- G.B. Shaw 22595% 22596I only know what I read in the papers. 22597 -- Will Rogers 22598% 22599I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a 22600letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished 22601words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can 22602resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But 22603then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices 22604that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or 22605a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. 22606 -- Letters From Colette 22607% 22608I owe, I owe, 22609It's off to work I go... 22610% 22611I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a 22612toilet seat. 22613 -- Michael McShane 22614% 22615I owe the public nothing. 22616 -- J.P. Morgan 22617% 22618I own my own body, but I share. 22619% 22620I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as 22621the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must 22622not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we 22623must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts, 22624in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from 22625wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they 22626will be happy. 22627 -- Thomas Jefferson 22628% 22629I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind 22630of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances 22631being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms 22632of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like 22633a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments 22634as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease. 22635 -- Dave Barry 22636% 22637I pledge allegiance to the flag 22638of the United States of America 22639and to the republic for which it stands, 22640one nation, 22641indivisible, 22642with liberty 22643and justice for all. 22644 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892 22645% 22646I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 22647 -- S. Wright 22648% 22649I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. 22650 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger 22651% 22652I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war. 22653 -- Cicero 22654 22655Even peace may be purchased at too high a price. 22656 -- Poor Richard 22657% 22658I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. 22659 -- William F. Buckley 22660% 22661I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats 22662on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. 22663 -- Stephen Wright 22664% 22665I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. 22666 -- Steven Wright 22667% 22668I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time. 22669 -- Stephen Wright 22670% 22671I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time. 22672 -- Stephen Wright 22673% 22674I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of 22675tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If 22676they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go 22677crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible. 22678These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even 22679aspire to crudeness. 22680 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic" 22681% 22682I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth. 22683 -- Neil Armstrong 22684% 22685I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of that is -- 'Be 22686what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- 'Never 22687imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others 22688that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had 22689been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.' 22690% 22691I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because 22692parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the 22693motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality? 22694 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town." 22695 "What's it about?" 22696 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals." 22697 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!" 22698 -- Ian Shoales 22699% 22700I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic. 22701To see the sights I'm never going to visit. 22702% 22703I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction. 22704 -- Aneurin Bevan 22705% 22706I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as 22707Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet 22708trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to 22709go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports 22710that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it. 22711 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 22712% 22713I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines. 22714 -- Marilyn Chambers 22715% 22716I really hate this damned machine 22717I wish that they would sell it. 22718It never does quite what I want 22719But only what I tell it. 22720% 22721I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens 22722who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known 22723something of what has been passing in their time. 22724 -- H. Truman 22725% 22726I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the 22727wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just 22728flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down... 22729Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said 22730"Cut it out." 22731 -- Stephen Wright 22732% 22733I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the 22734reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if 22735I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out. 22736 -- Stephen King 22737% 22738I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on 22739believing that some men are my equals. 22740 -- Brigid Brophy 22741% 22742I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. 22743% 22744I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the 22745morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for 22746the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to 22747invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed 22748the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I 22749asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said, 22750"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint 22751that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed. 22752 -- Alistair Cooke 22753% 22754I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office 22755to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar, 22756and didn't come back for 20 years. 22757% 22758I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some 22759kind of loophole. 22760 -- Leo Kessler 22761% 22762I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it 22763looks like I'm the only one moving. 22764 -- Steven Wright 22765% 22766I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education. 22767 -- Wilson Mizner 22768% 22769I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every 22770woman should marry -- and no man. 22771 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair" 22772% 22773I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New 22774England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be 22775raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in 22776New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for 22777countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere 22778if they don't get it. 22779 -- Mark Twain 22780% 22781"I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5." 22782He said,"What you need is to grow up, son." 22783I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old, 22784And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun." 22785 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song" 22786% 22787I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... 22788and then natural selection reared its ugly head. 22789% 22790I saw a man pursuing the Horizon, 22791'Round and round they sped. 22792I was disturbed at this, 22793I accosted the man, 22794"It is futile," I said. 22795"You can never--" 22796"You lie!" He cried, 22797and ran on. 22798 -- Stephen Crane 22799% 22800I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. 22801 -- Stephen Wright 22802% 22803I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid 22804never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that 22805deserve a series?" 22806% 22807I saw what you did and I know who you are. 22808% 22809I see a bad moon rising. 22810I see trouble on the way. 22811I see earthquakes and lightnin' 22812I see bad times today. 22813Don't go 'round tonight, 22814It's bound to take your life. 22815There's a bad moon on the rise. 22816 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising" 22817% 22818I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope 22819they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em. 22820 -- The Best of Will Rogers 22821% 22822I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to 22823the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about 22824us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart. 22825 -- The Best of Will Rogers 22826% 22827I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear, 22828I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear. 22829The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud, 22830They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud." 22831The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff, 22832"We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..." 22833I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf, 22834It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself. 22835But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked 22836"The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and 22837 knocked, 22838I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut, 22839"Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But... 22840 22841 "Is that all?" asked Alice. 22842 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." 22843% 22844I sent a message to another time, 22845But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe, 22846I sent a message to another plane, 22847Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive. 22848... 22849I met someone who looks at lot like you, 22850She does the things you do, but she is an IBM. 22851She's only programmed to be very nice, 22852But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near, 22853She tells me that she likes me very much, 22854But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear. 22855... 22856I realize that it must seem so strange, 22857That time has rearranged, but time has the final word, 22858She knows I think of you, she reads my mind, 22859She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world. 22860 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095" 22861% 22862I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger -- 22863a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine 22864in his veins. 22865 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee 22866% 22867I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether 22868it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether 22869he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right 22870that matters, but victory. 22871 -- Adolph Hitler 22872% 22873I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck. 22874 -- graffito in Los Angeles 22875 22876On a clear day, 22877U.C.L.A. 22878 -- graffito in San Francisco 22879 22880There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our 22881lungs there'd be no place to put it all. 22882 -- Robert Orben 22883% 22884I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. 22885 -- Los Angeles graffito 22886% 22887I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than 22888most western countries. 22889 -- George Burns 22890% 22891I smell a wumpus. 22892% 22893I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker 22894Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it. 22895 -- Woody Allen 22896% 22897I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his 22898ability. 22899 -- Oscar Wilde 22900% 22901I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 22902 -- Stephen Wright 22903% 22904I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone. 22905 -- Stephen Wright 22906% 22907I steal. 22908 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board 22909 22910Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas. 22911 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living 22912% 22913I stick my neck out for nobody. 22914 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca" 22915% 22916I stood on the leading edge, 22917The eastern seaboard at my feet. 22918"Jump!" said Yoko Ono 22919I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried. 22920Go on and give it a try, 22921Why prolong the agony, all men must die. 22922 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking" 22923% 22924I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to 22925see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. 22926 -- Shirley Temple 22927% 22928I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a 22929department store, and he asked for my autograph. 22930 -- Shirley Temple 22931% 22932I suggest a new stategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win. 22933 -- CP30 22934% 22935I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school, 22936Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool, 22937Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band, 22938That needs a helping hand, 22939Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face. 22940 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May" 22941% 22942I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 22943country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 22944I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 22945are worth considering, to wit: 22946 22947[110.13]: 22948 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not 22949 to interfere with oncoming traffic." 22950 22951[22.17b]: 22952 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best 22953 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball] 22954 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it 22955 on the highway." 22956 22957[41.16]: 22958 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really 22959 asking for it." 22960% 22961I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 22962country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 22963I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 22964are worth considering, to wit: 22965 22966[131.16d]: 22967 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle 22968 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making 22969 a U-turn on a divided highway." 22970 22971[96.7b]: 22972 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the 22973 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are 22974 traveling more than 60 MPH." 22975 22976[110.13]: 22977 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not 22978 to interfere with oncoming traffic." 22979% 22980I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 22981country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 22982I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 22983are worth considering, to wit: 22984 22985[173.15b]: 22986 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember 22987 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way." 22988 22989[141.2a]: 22990 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6' 22991 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into 22992 a 5' parking space." 22993 22994[105.31]: 22995 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly. 22996 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong." 22997% 22998I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad 22999thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself. 23000% 23001"I suppose you expect me to talk." 23002"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die." 23003 -- Goldfinger 23004% 23005I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it 23006is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh. 23007 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain" 23008% 23009I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking 23010pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the 23011munchies, and ate the other half. 23012 23013Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the 23014bottle stuck up my nose. 23015 -- Rodney Dangerfield 23016% 23017I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track 23018and they shot my horse with the opening gun. 23019 23020Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my 23021fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said, 23022"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks." 23023 -- Rodney Dangerfield 23024% 23025I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt 23026the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, 23027I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. 23028 -- Rodney Dangerfield 23029% 23030I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad 23031kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought. 23032 -- Rodney Dangerfield 23033% 23034I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check. 23035 -- Escher 23036% 23037I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward 23038or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark. 23039 -- Woody Allen 23040% 23041I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of 23042being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being 23043sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told 23044that I am! 23045 -- Monty Python 23046% 23047"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'" 23048"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manafacturers of dairy products." 23049 -- The Life of Brian 23050% 23051I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee. 23052 -- Shakespeare 23053% 23054I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's 23055paranoid and the other half's out to get him. 23056% 23057I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. 23058 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23059% 23060I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so 23061desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly. 23062 -- Saki, "Reginald on Worries" 23063% 23064I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. 23065 -- Oscar Wilde 23066% 23067I think that I shall never hear 23068A poem lovelier than beer. 23069The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap, 23070With golden base and snowy cap. 23071The stuff that I can drink all day 23072Until my mem'ry melts away. 23073Poems are made by fools, I fear 23074But only Schlitz can make a beer. 23075% 23076I think that I shall never see 23077A billboard lovely as a tree. 23078Indeed, unless the billboards fall 23079I'll never see a tree at all. 23080 -- Nash 23081% 23082I think that I shall never see 23083A thing as lovely as a tree. 23084But as you see the trees have gone 23085They went this morning with the dawn. 23086A logging firm from out of town 23087Came and chopped the trees all down. 23088But I will trick those dirty skunks 23089And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. 23090% 23091I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to 23092remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after. 23093 -- Chick 23094% 23095I think the world is run by C students. 23096 -- Al McGuire 23097% 23098I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect." 23099I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone 23100say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer 23101effect." 23102 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23103% 23104I think, therefore I am... I think. 23105% 23106I think there's a world market for about five computers. 23107 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943 23108% 23109I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for 23110paneling. 23111 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23112% 23113I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones. 23114 -- T.S. Eliot 23115% 23116I think we're all Bozos on this bus. 23117 -- Firesign Theatre 23118% 23119I think we're in trouble. 23120 -- Han Solo 23121% 23122I think your opinions are reasonable, 23123except for the one about my mental instability. 23124 -- Psychology Professor, Farifield University 23125% 23126"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!" 23127"As a programmer, yes," she replied, 23128"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!" 23129"You said you were blonde, but you lied!" 23130Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too, 23131They had so much in common, you'd say. 23132They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks, 23133And prompts that were cute or risque'. 23134He sent her a picture of his brother Sam, 23135She sent one from some past high school day, 23136And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives, 23137If they hadn't met in L.A. 23138"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust. 23139He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!" 23140And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest 23141If you were not so totally weird!" 23142If she had not said what he wanted to hear, 23143And he had not done just the same, 23144They'd have been far more honest, and never have met, 23145And would not have had fun with the game. 23146 -- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of 23147 Electronic Mail" 23148% 23149I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces, 23150working for scale. 23151 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger" 23152% 23153I thought YOU silenced the guard! 23154% 23155I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." 23156One of them said, "So will you." 23157 -- Rodney Dangerfield 23158% 23159I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle 23160of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. 23161It's about Russia. 23162 -- Woody Allen 23163% 23164I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce 23165desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of 23166the quest. 23167 -- Madeleine Gobeil 23168% 23169I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything 23170constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast 23171and drown myself in the noise. 23172 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer" 23173% 23174I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty. 23175 -- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari 23176% 23177I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity. 23178 -- Bill Veeck 23179% 23180I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out. 23181 -- Judge Harold T. Stone 23182% 23183I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. 23184The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 23185degrees today," and I said "Oops." 23186 23187In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so 23188I never have to go upstairs. 23189 23190I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in 23191front of it in only eight minutes. 23192 -- Stephen Wright 23193% 23194I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. 23195 -- Carole Wallach. 23196% 23197I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well. 23198 -- Woodrow Wilson 23199% 23200I use technology in order to hate it more properly. 23201 -- Nam June Paik 23202% 23203I used to be a rebel in my youth. 23204This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. 23205Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own 23206problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by 23207a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device. 23208I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better 23209I feel these days. 23210 -- J. Feiffer 23211% 23212I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused. 23213 -- Elvis Costello 23214% 23215I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. 23216 -- Mae West 23217% 23218I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me, 23219I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see, 23220I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen, 23221With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down, 23222And I'm, uh, feelin' mean, 23223 No more, Mr. Nice Guy, 23224 No more, Mr. Clean, 23225 No more, Mr. Nice Guy, 23226They say "He's sick, he's obscene". 23227 23228My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes, 23229Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide, 23230I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose, 23231The reverend Smithy, he recognized me, 23232And punched me in the nose, he said, 23233(chorus) 23234He said "You're sick, you're obscene". 23235 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" 23236% 23237I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. 23238% 23239I used to have a drinking problem. 23240Now I love the stuff. 23241% 23242I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had 23243to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway. 23244 23245I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks 23246like I'm the only one moving. 23247 23248I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know 23249the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going 23250to be out that long." 23251 23252I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the ond one out. Now 23253my car goes 500 miles an hour. 23254 -- Stephen Wright 23255% 23256I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because 23257I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no 23258more mature than I am. 23259% 23260I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 23261% 23262I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme 23263foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in 23264loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish. 23265 -- Rita Mae Brown 23266% 23267I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in 23268my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. 23269 -- Emo Phillips 23270% 23271I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near 23272the place. 23273 -- Steven Wright 23274% 23275I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere 23276near the place. 23277 -- Steven Wright 23278% 23279I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I 23280don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected 23281with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, 23282the food cheaper, and old men and womem warmer in the winter, and happier 23283in the summer. 23284 -- Brendan Behan 23285% 23286I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I 23287don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected 23288with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, 23289the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier 23290in the summer. 23291 -- Brendan Behan 23292% 23293I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you. 23294% 23295I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law. 23296 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 23297% 23298I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St. 23299Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!" 23300% 23301I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!! 23302 -- Zippy the Pinhead 23303% 23304I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad. 23305 -- Freud 23306% 23307I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located? 23308% 23309I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued 23310endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of 23311pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of 23312bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an 23313excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically 23314critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud 23315the earth. 23316 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing" 23317% 23318I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I 23319ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance. 23320 -- Steven Wright 23321% 23322I was born in a barrel of butcher knives 23323Trouble I love and peace I despise 23324Wild horses kicked me in my side 23325Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died. 23326 -- Bo Diddley 23327% 23328I was eatin' some chop suey, 23329With a lady in St. Louie, 23330When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door. 23331And that knocker, he says, "Honey, 23332Roll this rocker out some money, 23333Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor." 23334 -- Mr. Miggle 23335% 23336I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. 23337I said I didn't know. 23338 -- Mark Twain 23339% 23340I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live 23341around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks." 23342I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." 23343She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a 23344chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so 23345you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like 23346that all the time..." 23347 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly" 23348% 23349I was in a beauty contest one. I not only came in last, I was hit in 23350the mouth by Miss Congeniality. 23351 -- Phyllis Diller 23352% 23353I was in accord with the system so long as it 23354permitted me to function effectively. 23355 -- Albert Speer 23356% 23357I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all 23358these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these 23359kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and 23360I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been 23361avoiding the beach. 23362 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach" 23363% 23364I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a 23365lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number. 23366 -- Steven Wright 23367% 23368I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is 23369anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or 23370breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody. He really 23371gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He 23372works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot. 23373Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work 23374for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me 23375two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I 23376was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But 23377I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum." 23378 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One" 23379% 23380I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a 23381full house and four people died. 23382 -- Steven Wright 23383% 23384I was the best I ever had. 23385 -- Woody Allen 23386% 23387I was toilet-trained at gunpoint. 23388 -- Billy Braver 23389% 23390I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a 23391desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall 23392because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards 23393me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I 23394took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again. 23395% 23396I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. 23397 -- Chico Marx 23398% 23399I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it 23400in the room alone. 23401% 23402I went home with a waitress, 23403The way I always do. 23404How I was I to know? 23405She was with the Russians too. 23406 23407I was gambling in Havana, 23408I took a little risk. 23409Send lawyers, guns, and money, 23410Dad, get me out of this. 23411 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money" 23412% 23413I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. 23414If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. 23415It's the truth. 23416 -- Charlie Chaplin 23417% 23418I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to 23419expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for 23420stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming 23421the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted 23422to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the 23423answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer 23424showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found 23425an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the 23426program to the point where it would not run at all. 23427 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: 23428 Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars" 23429% 23430I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle. 23431I said "Hi, what's happenin'?" 23432He said "Nothin'." 23433Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm; 23434As if you just squashed a cop. 23435 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song" 23436% 23437I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. 23438Great song. 23439 -- Fred Reuss 23440% 23441I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered 23442French toast during the Renaissance. 23443 -- Stephen Wright 23444% 23445I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." 23446So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. 23447 -- Steven Wright 23448% 23449I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 23450years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors 23451would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they 23452all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!" 23453 23454Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had 23455been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. 23456 23457There was a computer in every doorknob. 23458 -- Danny Hillis 23459% 23460I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. 23461I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career 23462of a robber. 23463 -- Tiburcio Vasquez 23464% 23465I will always love the false image I had of you. 23466% 23467I will follow the good side right to the fire, 23468but not into it if I can help it. 23469 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne 23470% 23471I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the 23472year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The 23473Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out 23474the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the 23475writing on this stone! 23476 -- Charles Dickens 23477% 23478I will make you shorter by the head. 23479 -- Elizabeth I 23480% 23481I will never lie to you. 23482% 23483I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own. 23484% 23485I will not drink! 23486But if I do... 23487I will not get drunk! 23488But if I do... 23489I will not in public! 23490But if I do... 23491I will not fall down! 23492But if I do... 23493I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge. 23494% 23495I will not forget you. 23496% 23497I will not play at tug o' war. 23498I'd rather play at hug o' war, 23499Where everyone hugs 23500Instead of tugs, 23501Where everyone giggles 23502And rolls on the rug, 23503Where everyone kisses, 23504And everyone grins, 23505And everyone cuddles, 23506And everyone wins. 23507 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War" 23508% 23509I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new 23510one every day. 23511 -- Heine 23512% 23513I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, 23514we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. 23515 -- Jack Handey 23516% 23517I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula 23518and Superman away. 23519 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23520% 23521I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the 23522intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't 23523seem to work. 23524 -- Gallagher 23525% 23526I wish you humans would leave me alone. 23527% 23528I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks. 23529% 23530I woke up a feelin' mean 23531went down to play the slot machine 23532the wheels turned round, 23533and the letters read 23534"Better head back to Tennessee Jed" 23535 -- Grateful Dead 23536% 23537I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment 23538had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, 23539"Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and 23540replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?" 23541 -- Steven Wright 23542% 23543"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I 23544know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must 23545be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people 23546I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles." 23547 -- Bastian B. Bux 23548% 23549I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement? 23550 -- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp 23551% 23552I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 23553"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" 23554 -- Steven Wright 23555% 23556I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one, 23557but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already 23558because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even 23559after we've been home a long while. 23560 -- Casey Stengel 23561% 23562I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women, 23563only they won't let me raise my voice. 23564 -- Winkle 23565% 23566I would have made a good pope. 23567 -- Richard Nixon 23568% 23569I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have 23570gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the 23571missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme. 23572 -- Oliver North 23573% 23574I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block 23575of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the 23576image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we 23577forget or do not know. 23578 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191 23579 23580 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 23581 referring to image activation and termination.] 23582% 23583I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in 23584understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, 23585our tasks will be solved. 23586 -- Warren G. Harding 23587% 23588I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection 23589with income tax policies. 23590 -- William F. Buckley 23591% 23592I would like to know 23593What I was fencing in 23594And what I was fencing out. 23595 -- Robert Frost 23596% 23597I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going 23598to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind. 23599In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father. 23600 -- Frank Zappa 23601% 23602I would much rather have men ask why 23603I have no statue, than why I have one. 23604 -- Marcus Procius Cato 23605% 23606I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when 23607they're being taped. 23608 -- Richard Nixon 23609 23610I love America. You always hurt the one you love. 23611 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon 23612% 23613I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house 23614and be above ground than reign among the dead. 23615 -- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91 23616% 23617I would rather say that a desire to drive fast 23618sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals. 23619% 23620I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!! 23621% 23622I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole. 23623% 23624I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity 23625for everyone, but they've always worked for me. 23626 -- Hunter S. Thompson 23627% 23628I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear 23629them scream. 23630 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak", 23631 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since 23632% 23633Iam 23634not 23635very 23636happy 23637acting 23638pleased 23639whenever 23640prominent 23641scientists 23642overmagnify 23643intellectual 23644enlightenment 23645% 23646IBM: 23647 [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty 23648 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer 23649 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware 23650 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy 23651 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM 23652 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General. 23653% 23654IBM: 23655 I've Been Moved 23656 Idiots Become Managers 23657 Idiots Buy More 23658 Impossible to Buy Machine 23659 Incredibly Big Machine 23660 Industry's Biggest Mistake 23661 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries 23662 It Boggles the Mind 23663 It's Better Manually 23664 Itty-Bitty Machines 23665% 23666IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, 23667who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes... 23668 -- with regrets to D. Adams 23669% 23670IBM had a PL/I, 23671Its syntax worse than JOSS; 23672And everywhere this language went, 23673It was a total loss. 23674% 23675IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use. 23676% 23677IBM Pollyanna Principle: 23678 Machines should work. People should think. 23679% 23680IBM's original motto: 23681 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum. 23682% 23683I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly. 23684 -- John Denver 23685 23686[I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.] 23687% 23688I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 23689% 23690I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. 23691 -- Groucho Marx 23692% 23693I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee. 23694 -- Princess Leia Organa 23695% 23696I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, 23697above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even 23698feel it. 23699 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23700% 23701I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now. 23702% 23703I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the 23704whole field to private industry. 23705 -- Joseph Heller 23706% 23707I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair. 23708 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton" 23709% 23710I'd never cry if I did find 23711 A blue whale in my soup... 23712Nor would I mind a porcupine 23713 Inside a chicken coop. 23714Yes life is fine when things combine, 23715 Like ham in beef chow mein... 23716But lord, this time I think I mind, 23717 They've put acid in my rain. 23718 --- Milo Bloom 23719% 23720I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. 23721 -- Groucho Marx 23722% 23723I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough. 23724Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had. 23725 -- Brenda Starr 23726% 23727I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan. 23728% 23729I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. 23730 -- Fred Allen 23731 23732[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.] 23733% 23734I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. 23735 -- W.C. Fields 23736% 23737I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around. 23738% 23739I'd rather laugh with the sinners, 23740Than cry with the saints, 23741The sinners are much more fun! 23742 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" 23743% 23744I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner. 23745% 23746Identify your visitor. 23747% 23748idiot box, n: 23749 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place 23750 the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 23751 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 23752% 23753idiot box, n: 23754 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the 23755 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 23756 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 23757% 23758idiot, n: 23759 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence 23760 in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. 23761% 23762IDLENESS: 23763 Leisure gone to seed. 23764% 23765Idleness is the holiday of fools. 23766% 23767If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. 23768 -- Roy Santoro 23769% 23770If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast 23771is a camel's behind. 23772 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 23773% 23774If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars? 23775% 23776If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't 23777work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. 23778% 23779If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. 23780 -- William Blake 23781% 23782If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, 23783there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. 23784 -- T. Cheatham 23785% 23786If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he 23787really a guru at all? 23788 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals" 23789% 23790If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it 23791is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty. 23792 -- Joseph C. Goulden 23793% 23794IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him 23795is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing 23796to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." 23797 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23798% 23799If a listener nods his head when you're 23800explaining your program, wake him up. 23801% 23802If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism. 23803 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 23804% 23805If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed. 23806 -- Thomas Wolfe 23807% 23808If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart. 23809If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain. 23810% 23811If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, 23812he will lose his reverence for all of life. 23813 -- Albert Schweitzer 23814% 23815If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the 23816separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, 23817it might well prolong his life. 23818 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877 23819% 23820If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, 23821... it expects what never was and never will be. 23822 -- Thomas Jefferson 23823% 23824If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; 23825and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it 23826will lose that, too. 23827 -- W. Somerset Maugham 23828% 23829If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better, 23830and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can 23831convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health. 23832 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble" 23833% 23834If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. 23835The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position 23836in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of 23837gravity supercedes the law of golf. 23838 -- Donald A. Metz 23839% 23840If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce 23841love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide? 23842 -- Saint Augustine 23843% 23844If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response 23845is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the 23846only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did." 23847% 23848If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, 23849look at him as if he had lost his senses. 23850When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. 23851% 23852If a system is administered wisely, 23853its users will be content. 23854They enjoy hacking their code 23855and don't waste time implementing 23856labor-saving shell scripts. 23857Since they dearly love their accounts, 23858they aren't interested in other machines. 23859There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp, 23860but these don't access any hosts. 23861There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware, 23862but nobody ever uses them. 23863People enjoy reading their mail, 23864take pleasure in being with their newsgroups, 23865spend weekends working at their terminals, 23866delight in the doings at the site. 23867And even though the next system is so close 23868that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps, 23869they are content to die of old age 23870without ever having gone to see it. 23871% 23872If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude. 23873If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the 23874game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of 23875course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make 23876goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry? 23877 -- Sparky Anderson 23878% 23879If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly. 23880 -- G.K. Chesterton 23881% 23882If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for. 23883 -- W.C. Fields 23884% 23885If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation? 23886% 23887If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever 23888to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude 23889that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. 23890 -- Rob Stampfli 23891% 23892If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever 23893to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude 23894that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. 23895 -- Rob Stampfli 23896% 23897If all be true that I do think, 23898There be five reasons why one should drink; 23899Good friends, good wine, or being dry, 23900Or lest we should be by-and-by, 23901Or any other reason why. 23902% 23903If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. 23904 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 23905% 23906If all else fails, lower your standards. 23907% 23908If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? 23909% 23910If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I 23911wouldn't be a bit surprised. 23912 -- Dorothy Parker 23913% 23914If all the seas were ink, 23915And all the reeds were pens, 23916And all the skies were parchment, 23917And all the men could write, 23918These would not suffice 23919To write down all the red tape 23920Of this Government. 23921% 23922If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. 23923 -- Paul Beatty 23924% 23925If all the world's economists were laid end to end, 23926we wouldn't reach a conclusion. 23927 -- William Baumol 23928% 23929If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner, 23930and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops, 23931not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on 23932camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television , even 23933responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs 23934collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never 23935have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little. 23936 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television 23937 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional". 23938% 23939If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 23940% 23941If an S and an I and an O and a U 23942With an X at the end spell Su; 23943And an E and a Y and an E spell I, 23944Pray what is a speller to do? 23945Then, if also an S and an I and a G 23946And an HED spell side, 23947There's nothing much left for a speller to do 23948But to go commit siouxeyesighed. 23949 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" 23950% 23951If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last 23952car he ever lays down in front of. 23953 -- George Wallace 23954% 23955If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, 23956let him become president of Harvard. 23957 -- Edward Holyoke 23958% 23959If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible. 23960We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs, 23961blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his 23962tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky". 23963% 23964If anything can go wrong, it will. 23965% 23966If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. 23967% 23968If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 23969% 23970If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. 23971% 23972If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 23973% 23974If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 23975 -- W.E. Hickson 23976% 23977If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then quit. 23978No use being a damn fool about it. 23979% 23980If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 23981Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. 23982 -- W.C. Fields 23983 23984[Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.] 23985% 23986If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. 23987% 23988If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. 23989 -- Leonard Levinson 23990% 23991If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again. 23992% 23993If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is 23994identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a 23995collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then 23996I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as 23997plentiful as blackberries. 23998 -- Leslie Stephen 23999% 24000If bankers can count, how come they have 24001eight windows and only four tellers? 24002% 24003If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by 24004some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse. 24005 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837 24006% 24007If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 24008then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization. 24009% 24010If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing 24011but illegal purposes. 24012 -- J. Edgar Hoover 24013% 24014If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. 24015% 24016If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour. 24017 -- William Blake 24018% 24019If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James 24020Watt's office. 24021 -- Wayne Shannon 24022% 24023If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line. 24024% 24025If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will 24026serve us right. 24027 -- Alistair Cooke 24028% 24029If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? 24030% 24031If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't 24032deserve to have any. 24033 -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a 24034 driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his 24035 conviction for sodomy. 24036% 24037If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, 24038there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses 24039is a fraud. 24040 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged" 24041% 24042If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can 24043do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without 24044no middleman. 24045 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody" 24046% 24047If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed 24048him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation. 24049 -- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth" 24050% 24051If everything on the road of life seems to 24052be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 24053% 24054If everything seems to be going well, 24055you have obviously overlooked something. 24056% 24057If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing. 24058 -- Bertrand Russell 24059% 24060If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up. 24061% 24062If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there 24063is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an 24064exception" as a rule, then we must conced that there may not be an exception 24065after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of 24066exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there 24067can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception. 24068 -- Bill Boquist 24069% 24070If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. 24071 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI" 24072% 24073If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer. 24074% 24075If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports. 24076% 24077If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. 24078% 24079If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus 24080would have only had ten disciples. 24081% 24082If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. 24083% 24084If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. 24085% 24086If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. 24087% 24088If God had meant for us to be in the Army, 24089we would have been born with green, baggy skin. 24090% 24091If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. 24092% 24093If God had not given us sticky tape, 24094it would have been necessary to invent it. 24095% 24096If God had really intended men to fly, 24097he'd make it easier to get to the airport. 24098 -- George Winters 24099% 24100If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would 24101have made them cute and furry. 24102 -- Dave Barry 24103% 24104If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 24105only ten apostles. 24106% 24107If God had wanted you to go around nude, 24108He would have given you bigger hands. 24109% 24110If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, 24111He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination. 24112% 24113If God is dead, who will save the Queen? 24114% 24115If God is One, what is bad? 24116 -- Charles Manson 24117% 24118If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? 24119% 24120If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. 24121 -- Yiddish saying 24122% 24123If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? 24124 -- Marvin Kitman 24125% 24126If God wanted us to have a President, 24127He would have sent us a candidate. 24128 -- Jerry Dreshfield 24129% 24130If graphics hackers are so smart, 24131why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint? 24132% 24133If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? 24134% 24135If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry. 24136 -- Chinese proverb 24137% 24138If he had only learnt a little less, how 24139infinitely better he might have taught much more! 24140% 24141If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days 24142and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to 24143think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate. 24144 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia" 24145% 24146If he should ever change his faith, 24147it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God. 24148% 24149If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell. 24150 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 24151% 24152If I could read your mind, love, 24153What a tale your thoughts could tell, 24154Just like a paperback novel, 24155The kind the drugstore sells, 24156When you reach the part where the heartaches come, 24157The hero would be me, 24158Heroes often fail, 24159You won't read that book again, because 24160 the ending is just too hard to take. 24161 24162I walk away, like a movie star, 24163Who gets burned in a three way script, 24164Enter number two, 24165A movie queen to play the scene 24166Of bringing all the good things out in me, 24167But for now, love, let's be real 24168I never thought I could act this way, 24169And I've got to say that I just don't get it, 24170I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone 24171And I just can't get it back... 24172 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind" 24173% 24174If I could stick my pen in my heart, 24175I would spill it all over the stage. 24176Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya, 24177Would you think the boy was strange? 24178Ain't he strange? 24179... 24180If I could stick a knife in my heart, 24181Suicide right on the stage, 24182Would it be enough for your teenage lust, 24183Would it help to ease the pain? 24184Ease your brain? 24185 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll" 24186% 24187If I don't drive around the park, 24188I'm pretty sure to make my mark. 24189If I'm in bed each night by ten, 24190I may get back my looks again. 24191If I abstain from fun and such, 24192I'll probably amount to much; 24193But I shall stay the way I am, 24194Because I do not give a damn. 24195 -- Dorothy Parker 24196% 24197If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. 24198Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's 24199as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for 24200you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it. 24201 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 24202% 24203If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers. 24204% 24205IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's 24206got to be a better way. 24207 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 24208% 24209If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, 24210I'd sell the plantation and go home. 24211 -- Eugene P. Gallagher 24212% 24213If I had any humility I would be perfect. 24214 -- Ted Turner 24215% 24216If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from 24217a laboratory jar at Harvard. 24218 -- Frank Sinatra 24219 24220AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS. 24221 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine 24222% 24223If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I 24224would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this 24225trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier. 24226I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd 24227travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. 24228You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly 24229and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and, 24230if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to 24231have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many 24232years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere 24233without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute. 24234If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel 24235lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed 24236earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky 24237more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would 24238ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies. 24239% 24240If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. 24241 -- Albert Einstein 24242% 24243If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. 24244 -- Tallulah Bankhead 24245% 24246If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps. 24247% 24248If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the 24249shoulders of giants. 24250 -- Isaac Newton 24251 24252In the sciences, we are now uniquely priviledged to sit side by side with 24253the giants on whose shoulders we stand. 24254 -- Gerald Holton 24255 24256If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on 24257my shoulders. 24258 -- Hal Abelson 24259 24260Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders. 24261 -- Gauss 24262 24263Mathemeticians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists 24264stand on each other's toes. 24265 -- Richard Hamming 24266 24267It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If 24268this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and 24269software engineers dig each other's graves. 24270 -- Unknown 24271% 24272If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. 24273 -- Bob Hope 24274% 24275If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, 24276I would send a barrel or so to my other generals. 24277 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant 24278% 24279If I love you, what business is it of yours? 24280 -- Goethe 24281% 24282If I love you, what business is it of yours? 24283 -- Johann van Goethe 24284% 24285If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I 24286just couldn't help myself. 24287 -- Adolf Hitler 24288% 24289If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it? 24290 -- Alan Parsons Project 24291% 24292If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think 24293I'm an engineer working on something. 24294 -- S.R. McElroy 24295% 24296If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 24297% 24298If I traveled to the end of the rainbow 24299As Dame Fortune did intend, 24300Murphy would be there to tell me 24301The pot's at the other end. 24302 -- Bert Whitney 24303% 24304If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. 24305% 24306If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could 24307work for with a great deal of enjoyment. 24308 -- Douglas Jerrold 24309% 24310If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it 24311because I can't swim. 24312 -- Bob Stanfield 24313% 24314If I'd known computer science was going to be like this, 24315I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star. 24316 -- G. Hirst 24317% 24318If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top? 24319 -- Jerry Muscha 24320% 24321If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the 24322answer can be obtained by simple inspection. 24323% 24324If in doubt, mumble. 24325% 24326If it ain't baroque, don't fix it. 24327% 24328If it ain't broke, don't fix it. 24329% 24330If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh. 24331 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls 24332% 24333If it happens once, it's a bug. 24334If it happens twice, it's a feature. 24335If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy. 24336% 24337If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly. 24338% 24339If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly. 24340% 24341If it heals good, say it. 24342% 24343If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will 24344answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary. 24345 -- Samuel Clemens 24346% 24347If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. 24348% 24349If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work 24350it's physics. 24351% 24352If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement. 24353 -- Ronald Reagan 24354% 24355If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples. 24356% 24357If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 24358% 24359If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler. 24360% 24361If it were not for the presents, an elopment would be preferable. 24362 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables" 24363% 24364If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, 24365I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down 24366the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- 24367forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp 24368of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw. 24369 -- James Dickey 24370% 24371If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. 24372% 24373If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. 24374If it stinks, it's chemistry. 24375If it doesn't work, it's physics. 24376% 24377If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 24378% 24379If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. 24380% 24381If it's worth doing, do it for money. 24382% 24383If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money. 24384% 24385If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money. 24386% 24387If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. 24388They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make 24389fun of it. 24390 -- Thomas Carlyle 24391% 24392If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to 24393send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the 24394other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces 24395of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why 24396they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, 24397they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep 24398them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ... 24399 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie 24400% 24401If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, 24402had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better. 24403 -- Karl Marx's Mother 24404% 24405If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. 24406% 24407If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. 24408% 24409If life is merely a joke, the question 24410still remains: for whose amusement? 24411% 24412If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else? 24413% 24414If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women 24415you've got in the house. 24416 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 24417% 24418If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? 24419 -- Lily Tomlin 24420% 24421If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low 24422 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard 24423% 24424If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG. 24425 -- Phil Lapsley 24426% 24427If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T. 24428% 24429If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform. 24430 -- Mary Wilson Little 24431% 24432If mathematically you end up with the wrong 24433answer, try multipying by the page number. 24434% 24435If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would 24436be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies. 24437 -- Frances Rodman 24438% 24439If men are not afraid to die, 24440it is of no avail to threaten them with death. 24441 24442If men live in constant fear of dying, 24443And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, 24444Who will dare to break the law? 24445 24446There is always an official executioner. 24447If you try to take his place, 24448It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood. 24449If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, 24450 you will only hurt your hand. 24451 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74" 24452% 24453If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would 24454be a merrier world. 24455 -- J.R.R. Tolkien 24456% 24457If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little 24458of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, 24459and from that to incivility and procrastination. 24460 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) 24461% 24462If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think 24463little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and 24464Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. 24465 -- Thomas De Quincey 24466% 24467If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and 24468over again, there is no use in reading it at all. 24469 -- Oscar Wilde 24470% 24471If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection 24472of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching 24473in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not 24474far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the 24475various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor, 24476it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any 24477connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would 24478get an unfair advantage. 24479 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 24480% 24481If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. 24482 -- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use 24483 of the Young" 24484% 24485If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat? 24486 -- Woody Allen 24487% 24488If only God would give me some clear sign! 24489Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. 24490 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 24491% 24492If only one could get that wonderful feeling of 24493accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. 24494% 24495If only you could be respected without having to be respectable. 24496% 24497If only you had a personality instead of an attitude. 24498% 24499If only you knew she loved you, you could 24500face the uncertainty of whether you love her. 24501% 24502If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. 24503% 24504If parents would only realize how they bore their children. 24505 -- G.B. Shaw 24506% 24507If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, 24508then we are a sorry lot indeed. 24509 -- Albert Einstein 24510% 24511If people concentrated on the really important things in life, 24512there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. 24513 -- Doug Larson 24514% 24515If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off. 24516 -- Edward E. Hippensteel 24517 24518[What brand of ink? Ed.] 24519% 24520If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they 24521will take sandwiches. 24522 -- Lord Boyd-orr 24523 24524Eats first, morals after. 24525 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" 24526% 24527If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated, 24528I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. 24529 -- Hermann Goering 24530% 24531If people see that you mean them no harm, 24532they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten! 24533% 24534If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? 24535% 24536If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters. 24537 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn" 24538% 24539If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? 24540% 24541If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst. 24542% 24543If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? 24544% 24545If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers. 24546 -- Tom Wicker 24547% 24548If researchers wrote nursery rhymes... 24549 24550Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region, 24551Eating components of soured milk. 24552On at least one occasion, 24553 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her, 24554Or at least in her vicinity, 24555And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear, 24556Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly. 24557 -- Ann Melugin Williams 24558% 24559If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with 24560pool cues, who would win? 24561 1) Ricky Schroder 24562 2) Gary Coleman 24563 3) The television viewing public 24564 -- David Letterman 24565% 24566If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of 24567arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical 24568world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by 24569the use of the mathematics of probability. 24570 -- Vannevar Bush 24571% 24572If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many 24573books on how to? 24574 -- Bette Midler 24575% 24576If she had not been cupric in her ions, 24577Her shape ovoidal, 24578Their romance might have flourished. 24579But he built tetrahedral in his shape, 24580His ions ferric, 24581Love could not help but die, 24582Uncatylised, inert, and undernourished. 24583% 24584If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom. 24585 -- Robert Frost 24586% 24587If some people didn't tell you, 24588you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. 24589% 24590If someone had told me I would be Pope 24591one day, I would have studied harder. 24592 -- Pope John Paul I 24593% 24594If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't. 24595% 24596If something has not yet gone wrong then it would 24597ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong. 24598% 24599If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the 24600way they do? 24601% 24602If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream 24603and never be our destiny. 24604 -- Rene de Visme Williamson 24605% 24606If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a 24607Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon, 24608and explode once a year killing everyone inside. 24609 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld 24610% 24611If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, 24612this would be a better world. 24613 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 24614% 24615If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. 24616 -- Norm Schryer 24617% 24618If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get 24619the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in 24620college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural 24621method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall 24622learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should 24623be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the 24624young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. 24625I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not 24626by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise 24627instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the 24628attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, 24629not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to 24630put on a professor. 24631 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 24632% 24633If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five 24634steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same 24635prinicples -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful 24636feature, that. 24637 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990. 24638% 24639If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? 24640 -- Robert Moses 24641% 24642If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical 24643would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. 24644 -- Doug Larson 24645 24646[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.] 24647% 24648If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. 24649 -- Albert Einstein 24650% 24651If the future isn't what it used to be, does that 24652mean that the past is subject to change in times to come? 24653% 24654If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough. 24655Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life. 24656% 24657If the government doesn't trust the people, why 24658doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people? 24659% 24660If the grass is greener on other side of fence, 24661consider what may be fertilizing it. 24662% 24663If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, 24664we would be so simple we couldn't. 24665% 24666If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation, 24667I would have recommended something simpler. 24668 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile, 24669 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy. 24670% 24671If the master dies and the disciple grieves, 24672the lives of both have been wasted. 24673% 24674If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, 24675then this sentence would not be false. 24676% 24677If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be 24678goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible. 24679 -- Frank Zappa 24680% 24681If the odds are a million to one against something 24682occurring, chances are 50-50 it will. 24683% 24684If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads. 24685 -- Anatole France 24686% 24687If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, 24688what a living the poor could make! 24689% 24690If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 24691% 24692If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will. 24693% 24694If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job. 24695Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count 24696on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening, 24697paper folding, or something. 24698 -- C. Philip Wood 24699% 24700If the very old will remember, the very young will listen. 24701 -- Chief Dan George 24702% 24703If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. 24704If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. 24705If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, 24706church attendance will exceed all expectations. 24707 -- Reverend Chichester 24708% 24709If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. 24710% 24711If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, 24712the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 24713 24714If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure 24715can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. 24716% 24717If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing 24718of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur 24719of this life. 24720 -- Albert Camus 24721% 24722If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it. 24723 -- Edward A. Murphy Jr. 24724% 24725If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you 24726can't afford divorce. 24727 -- Jack Nicholson 24728% 24729If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? 24730 -- Art Hoppe 24731% 24732If there is no wind, row. 24733 -- Polish proverb 24734% 24735If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would 24736have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule. 24737 -- Saul Goodman 24738% 24739If there was in justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word. 24740% 24741If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three 24742years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law 24743school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers. 24744 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method 24745% 24746If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all? 24747% 24748If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, 24749go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These 24750days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire 24751to crudeness... 24752 -- Johnny Mnemonic 24753% 24754If they were so inclined, they could impeach 24755him because they don't like his necktie. 24756 -- Attorney General William Saxbe 24757% 24758If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you. 24759% 24760If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. 24761% 24762If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. 24763It's not time yet. 24764% 24765If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? 24766% 24767If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? 24768 -- Lily Tomlin 24769% 24770If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is 24771doing the thinking. 24772 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 24773 24774Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his 24775helmet off. 24776 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 24777 24778I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign 24779itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon. 24780 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 24781% 24782If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. 24783 -- Ernest Hemingway 24784% 24785If two wrongs don't make a right, try three wrongs. 24786% 24787If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. 24788If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal. 24789% 24790If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system. 24791% 24792If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world. 24793 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting" 24794% 24795If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would 24796all be millionaires. 24797 -- Abigail Van Buren 24798% 24799If we do not change our direction we are 24800likely to end up where we are headed. 24801% 24802If we don't survive, we don't do anything else. 24803 -- John Sinclair 24804% 24805If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time 24806of it. 24807 -- Oscar Wilde 24808% 24809"If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our 24810findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive." 24811 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on 24812 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex 24813 crimes. 24814% 24815If we see the light at the end of the tunnel 24816It's the light of an oncoming train. 24817 -- Robert Lowell 24818% 24819If we spoke a different language, we 24820would perceive a somewhat different world. 24821 -- Wittgenstein 24822% 24823If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, 24824we encourage it, and involve others in our doom. 24825 -- Samuel Adams 24826% 24827If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us 24828with alarm clocks. 24829% 24830If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance. 24831% 24832If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to 24833do something else. 24834 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" 24835% 24836If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel 24837in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary 24838qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. 24839 -- Marguerite Emmons 24840% 24841If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves. 24842% 24843If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the 24844beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its 24845lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days 24846women behave the most like the way men behave all month long? 24847 -- Gloria Steinham 24848% 24849If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. 24850 -- Aristotle Onassis 24851% 24852If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. 24853Quit work and play for once! 24854% 24855If you analyse anything, you destroy it. 24856 -- Arthur Miller 24857% 24858If you are a police dog, where's your badge? 24859 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd 24860 crazy. 24861% 24862If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. 24863 -- Anton Chekov 24864% 24865If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. 24866 -- Chekhov 24867% 24868If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance. 24869% 24870If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real 24871good, you will get out of it. 24872% 24873If you are honest because honesty is the best policy, 24874your honesty is corrupt. 24875% 24876If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no 24877longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal. 24878 -- Abigail Van Buren 24879% 24880If you are not for yourself, who will be for you? 24881If you are for yourself, then what are you? 24882If not now, when? 24883% 24884If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient 24885evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than 24886words. 24887 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 24888% 24889If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is 24890sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions 24891speak louder than words. 24892 -- Fran Lebowitz 24893% 24894If you are over 80 years old and accompanied 24895by your parents, we will cash your check. 24896% 24897If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; 24898over 80 you are neglecting your golf. 24899 -- Walter Hagen 24900% 24901If you are smart enough to know that you're not 24902smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business. 24903% 24904If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy. 24905% 24906If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut? 24907% 24908If you aren't rich you should always look useful. 24909 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine 24910% 24911If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. 24912 -- J. Paul Getty 24913% 24914If you can keep your head when all about you are losing 24915theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation. 24916% 24917If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. 24918% 24919If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. 24920% 24921If you cannot convince them, confuse them. 24922 -- Harry S. Truman 24923% 24924If you cannot in the long run tell everyone 24925what you have been doing, your doing was worthless. 24926 -- Edwim Schrodinger 24927% 24928If you can't be good, be careful. 24929If you can't be careful, give me a call. 24930% 24931If you can't convince them, confuse them. 24932 -- Harry S. Truman 24933% 24934If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. 24935% 24936If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. 24937% 24938If you can't read this, blame a teacher. 24939% 24940If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. 24941 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 24942% 24943If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. 24944% 24945If you catch a man, throw him back. 24946 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975 24947% 24948If you continually give you will continually have. 24949% 24950If you could only get that wonderful feeling of 24951accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. 24952% 24953If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? 24954% 24955If you didn't have most of your friends, 24956you wouldn't have most of your problems. 24957% 24958If you didn't have to work so hard, 24959you'd have more time to be depressed. 24960% 24961If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one. 24962 -- John Galsworthy 24963% 24964If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about 24965it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else. 24966 -- Carlyle 24967% 24968If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. 24969% 24970If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 24971% 24972If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists 24973in the Bible. 24974 -- Mordecai Richler 24975% 24976If you don't do it, you'll never know what 24977would have happened if you had done it. 24978% 24979If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will? 24980% 24981If you don't drink it, someone else will. 24982% 24983If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. 24984 -- Clarence Day 24985% 24986If you don't have the time right now, 24987will you have redo right time later? 24988% 24989If you don't have time to do it right, where 24990are you going to find the time to do it over? 24991% 24992If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is. 24993% 24994If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk! 24995% 24996If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. 24997 -- Calvin Coolidge 24998% 24999If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring. 25000 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking 25001% 25002If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people. 25003% 25004If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program 25005an imbedded system. The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that 25006it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention 25007will suffice to remove it. An imbedded system can't permanently trust anything 25008it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff 25009around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming 25010carefulness here. No. Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted 25011raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know 25012what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs 25013properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a 25014gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network 25015numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before 25016you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all 25017over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he 25018was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong 25019network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your 25020software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network 25021number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed 25022in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you 25023get my drift. 25024% 25025If you explain something so clearly that no 25026one can possibly misunderstand, someone will. 25027% 25028If you fail to plan, plan to fail. 25029% 25030If you find a solution and become attached to it, 25031the solution may become your next problem. 25032% 25033If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed. 25034% 25035If you float on instinct alone, how can you 25036calculate the buoyancy for the computed load? 25037 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams 25038% 25039If you fool around with something long 25040enough, it will eventually break. 25041% 25042If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office. 25043% 25044If you give Congress a chance to vote on 25045both sides of an issue, it will always do it. 25046 -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin 25047% 25048If you go on with this nuclear arms race, 25049all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce. 25050 -- Winston Churchill 25051% 25052If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, 25053so as not to disturb those around you. 25054% 25055If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are 25056all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were 25057swimming. 25058 -- Jack Handey 25059% 25060If you had better tools, you could more 25061effectively demonstrate your total incompetence. 25062% 25063If you had just one moment to live 25064And they granted you one special wish 25065Would you ask for something 25066Like another chance. 25067 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys" 25068% 25069If you hands are clean and your cause is just 25070and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start. 25071% 25072If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. 25073% 25074If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent. 25075 -- Bette Davis 25076% 25077If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. 25078% 25079If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a 25080new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation, 25081does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must 25082make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats. 25083The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if 25084you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer 25085will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with 25086cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the 25087dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion 25088of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things 25089straight. 25090 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style" 25091% 25092If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all. 25093 -- Spiro Agnew 25094% 25095If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it. 25096% 25097If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. 25098 -- Louis Armstrong 25099% 25100If you have to hate, hate gently. 25101% 25102If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong. 25103% 25104If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career 25105in chartered accountancy beckons. 25106 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic 25107 Systems course. 25108% 25109If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a 25110hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype. 25111 -- Neil Bogart 25112% 25113If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot 25114yourself in the posterior. 25115 -- A.J. Liebling, "The Press" 25116% 25117If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to 25118boot yourself in the posterior. 25119 -- A.J. Liebling 25120% 25121If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it. 25122% 25123If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of 25124rubbish into it. 25125 -- William Orton 25126% 25127If you knew what to say next, would you say it? 25128% 25129If you know the answer to a question, don't ask. 25130 -- Petersen Nesbit 25131% 25132If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end. 25133 -- Mark Twain 25134% 25135If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end... 25136you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast. 25137 -- David Letterman 25138% 25139If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 25140365 useless things. 25141% 25142If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven. 25143% 25144If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. 25145 -- Graham Summer 25146% 25147If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat. 25148 -- Simone De Beauvoir 25149% 25150If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made 25151because very few people die past the age of a hundred. 25152 -- George Burns 25153% 25154If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets 25155and fire them all off, wouldn't you? 25156 -- Garrison Keillor 25157% 25158If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life. 25159 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant 25160% 25161If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor. 25162If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor. 25163% 25164If you lose a son you can always get another, 25165but there's only one Maltese Falcon. 25166 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 25167% 25168If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich, 25169or famous or both. 25170% 25171If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, 25172he'll get rich or famous or both. 25173% 25174If you love someone, set them free. 25175If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk. 25176% 25177If you love something set it free. If it doesn't 25178come back to you, hunt it down and kill it. 25179% 25180If you make a mistake you right it 25181immediately to the best of your ability. 25182% 25183If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year 25184with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. 25185 -- The Best of Will Rogers 25186% 25187If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; 25188but if you really make them think they'll hate you. 25189% 25190If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll 25191be married to a man who cheats on his wife. 25192 -- Ann Landers 25193% 25194If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody 25195in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. 25196% 25197If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. 25198 -- Schmidt 25199% 25200If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty. 25201Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands. 25202% 25203If you need anything just whistle. 25204You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? 25205Just put your lips together and blow. 25206 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not" 25207% 25208If you notice that a person is deceiving you, 25209they must not be deceiving you very well. 25210% 25211If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not 25212bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. 25213 -- Mark Twain 25214% 25215If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, 25216you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get 25217ice, but no cup. 25218% 25219If you put it off long enough, it might go away. 25220% 25221If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. 25222But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, 25223is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it. 25224 -- Pierre Gallois 25225% 25226If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a 25227restaurant. 25228 -- Snoopy 25229% 25230If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it. 25231Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have 25232something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because 25233they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because 25234they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them 25235if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains 25236-- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death. 25237 -- Hermann Goering 25238% 25239If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it. 25240% 25241If you remember the 60's, you weren't there. 25242% 25243If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire 25244deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading 25245are precisely those that challenge our convictions. 25246% 25247If you see an onion ring -- answer it! 25248% 25249If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. 25250But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers. 25251 -- Swami Prabhupada 25252% 25253If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure. 25254% 25255If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from 25256many it's research. 25257 -- Wilson Mizner 25258% 25259If you stew apples like cranberries, 25260they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does. 25261 -- Groucho Marx 25262% 25263If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, 25264It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. 25265Or some joker who is slicker, 25266Will trick you of your liquor, 25267If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. 25268% 25269If you stick your head in the sand, 25270one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked. 25271% 25272If you suspect a man, don't employ him. 25273% 25274If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have 25275schizophrenia. 25276 -- Thomas Szasz 25277% 25278If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble 25279then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real 25280harm. 25281% 25282If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. 25283 -- Mark Twain 25284% 25285If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. 25286% 25287If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. 25288 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard 25289% 25290If you think last Tuesday was a drag, 25291wait till you see what happens tomorrow! 25292% 25293If you think nobody cares if you're alive, 25294try missing a couple of car payments. 25295 -- Earl Wilson 25296% 25297If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time 25298someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with 25299your Bic. 25300% 25301If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. 25302 -- Arthur Kasspe 25303% 25304If you think the system is working, 25305ask someone who's waiting for a prompt. 25306% 25307If you think the United States has stood still, 25308who built the largest shopping center in the world? 25309 -- Richard Nixon 25310% 25311If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you 25312lack sufficient imagination. 25313% 25314If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be 25315to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to 25316say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw another party 25317next year. 25318 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake 25319 up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if 25320they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious 25321to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning 25322parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having 25323another one ... 25324 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, 25325unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas 25326through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that 25327they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, 25328your job is to make sure it isn't you ... 25329 -- Dave Barry 25330% 25331If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined 25332them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government! 25333 -- Mr. Interesting 25334% 25335If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them 25336end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. 25337% 25338If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom 25339and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. 25340 -- Dorothy Parker 25341% 25342If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time. 25343 -- F.D. Roosevelt 25344% 25345If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it. 25346% 25347If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having 25348done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back. 25349% 25350If you want me to be a good little bunny 25351just dangle some carats in front of my nose. 25352 -- Lauren Bacall 25353% 25354If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman. 25355 -- Michelet 25356% 25357If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's 25358read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves. 25359 -- Don Marquis 25360% 25361If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law. 25362% 25363If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. 25364 -- Woody Allen 25365% 25366If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map. 25367% 25368If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate 25369books. 25370 -- Alan King 25371% 25372If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards. 25373 -- Harry Blackstone 25374% 25375If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the 25376Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft. 25377Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory 25378containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with 25379the word "National". 25380 -- George Will 25381% 25382If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word 25383you say, talk in your sleep. 25384% 25385If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some 25386memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' 25387it, even if they don't know what it means. 25388 -- Walt Kelly 25389% 25390If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal. 25391% 25392If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that 25393fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and 25394heartbeats. 25395% 25396If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. 25397If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. 25398If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. 25399If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish. 25400 -- Chinese Proverb 25401% 25402If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. 25403% 25404If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur 25405boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him. 25406 -- Anton Chekov 25407% 25408If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him. 25409If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak 25410 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents. 25411If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness. 25412If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your 25413 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content... 25414 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it. 25415If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the 25416 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will 25417 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason 25418 why. 25419% 25420If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend. 25421% 25422If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some. 25423 -- Ben Franklin 25424% 25425If you would understand your own age, read the works 25426of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely. 25427% 25428If you'd like to cultivate insomnia, 25429Bed down with a pretty girl. 25430Amor vincit omnia. 25431% 25432If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss. 25433% 25434If your bread is stale, make toast. 25435% 25436If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out. 25437If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head. 25438 -- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince" 25439% 25440If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, 25441I guess you do have a problem. 25442 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 25443% 25444If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it. 25445% 25446If your mother knew what you're doing, 25447she'd probably hang her head and cry. 25448% 25449If your parents don't have kids, neither will you. 25450% 25451If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no 25452longer be fantasies. 25453 -- Fran Lebowitz 25454% 25455If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a 25456piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw. 25457 -- W.C. Fields 25458% 25459If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real 25460embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. 25461 -- Jack Handey 25462% 25463If you're careful enough, nothing 25464bad or good will ever happen to you. 25465% 25466If you're carrying a torch, put it down. 25467The Olympics are over. 25468% 25469If you're constantly being mistreated, 25470you're cooperating with the treatment. 25471% 25472If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four 25473strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work 25474together yet. 25475 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89. 25476% 25477If you're going to America, bring your own food. 25478 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 25479% 25480If you're going to do something tonight 25481that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. 25482 -- Henny Youngman 25483% 25484If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance. 25485% 25486If you're happy, you're successful. 25487% 25488If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 25489% 25490If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. 25491 -- Benjamin Disraeli 25492% 25493If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war, 25494As well as by traffic and crime, 25495Consider how worry-free gophers are, 25496Though living on burrowed time. 25497 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83 25498% 25499If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it 25500off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe. 25501% 25502If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. 25503 -- Ronald Reagan 25504% 25505ignisecond, n: 25506 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car 25507 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" 25508 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 25509% 25510IGNORANCE: 25511 When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out. 25512% 25513Ignorance is bliss. 25514 -- Thomas Gray 25515 25516Fortune updates the great quotes, #42: 25517 BLISS is ignorance. 25518% 25519Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the 25520rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow. 25521 -- Franklin K. Dane 25522% 25523Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out. 25524% 25525Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people 25526so resolutely pursuing it. 25527% 25528Ignore previous fortune. 25529% 25530Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux 25531 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, 25532Enmimes sont les gougebosquex, 25533 Et le momerade horgrave. 25534 25535Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 25536 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 25537Und aller-mumsige Burggoven 25538 Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. 25539% 25540I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words. 25541 -- Lenny Bruce 25542% 25543I'll be Grateful when they're Dead. 25544% 25545I'll burn my books. 25546 -- Christopher Marlowe 25547% 25548I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's 25549in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ. 25550 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up" 25551% 25552I'll grant thee random access to my heart, 25553Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; 25554And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove 25555And in our bound partition never part. 25556 25557Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? 25558Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, 25559A root or two, a torus and a node: 25560The inverse of my verse, a null domain. 25561 25562I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, 25563I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. 25564Bernoulli would have been content to die 25565Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)! 25566% 25567I'll learn to play the Saxophone, 25568I play just what I feel. 25569Drink Scotch whisky all night long, 25570And die behind the wheel. 25571They got a name for the winners in the world, 25572I want a name when I lose. 25573They call Alabama the Crimson Tide, 25574Call me Deacon Blues. 25575 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues" 25576% 25577I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon... 25578 -- Pink Floyd 25579% 25580I'll never get off this planet. 25581 -- Luke Skywalker 25582% 25583I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me. 25584% 25585I'll turn over a new leaf. 25586 -- Miguel de Cervantes 25587% 25588Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask 25589any Indian. 25590 -- Robert Orben 25591 25592Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 25593 -- Jack Paar 25594% 25595Illegitimi non carborundum 25596(translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.) 25597% 25598Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot: 25599it's more like the land He's trying to ignore. 25600% 25601Illiterate? Write today, for free help! 25602% 25603Illusion is the first of all pleasures. 25604 -- Voltaire 25605% 25606I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe 25607that I could have evolved from man. 25608% 25609"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." 25610 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of 25611 the idea of a doomsday machine. 25612"I'm a doctor, not an escalator." 25613 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant 25614 Ellen up a steep incline. 25615"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer." 25616 -- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta. 25617"I'm a doctor, not an engineer." 25618 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in 25619 Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise. 25620"I'm a doctor, not a coalminer." 25621 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2. 25622"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist." 25623 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark 25624 that Kirk talked strangely. 25625"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor." 25626 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the 25627 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4. 25628"What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?" 25629 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a 25630 physical exam to answer the alert. 25631% 25632I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on 25633a sports jacket and take off my brain. 25634% 25635I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to 25636 thank everyone for making this night necessary. 25637 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor 25638% 25639I'm all for computer dating, but I 25640wouldn't want one to marry my sister. 25641% 25642I'm always looking for a new idea that 25643will be more productive than its cost. 25644 -- David Rockefeller 25645% 25646I'm an artist. 25647But it's not what I really want to do. 25648What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman. 25649I know what you're going to say -- 25650"Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds." 25651All right! But it's what I want to do. 25652Instead I have to go on painting all day long. 25653 25654The world should make a place for shoe salesmen. 25655 -- J. Feiffer 25656% 25657I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe 25658that I could have been created by man. 25659% 25660"I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!" 25661 -- Zippy the Pinhead 25662% 25663I'm dying beyond my means. 25664 -- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne 25665% 25666"I'm dying," he croaked. 25667"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . 25668"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. 25669"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. 25670"The fire is going out," he bellowed. 25671"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused. 25672"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me. 25673"You snake," she rattled. 25674"Someone's at the door," she chimed. 25675"Company's coming," she guessed. 25676"Dawn came too soon," she mourned. 25677"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed. 25678"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed. 25679"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly. 25680"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely. 25681 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex" 25682% 25683I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. 25684 -- George McGovern 25685% 25686I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults. 25687 -- Gore Vidal 25688% 25689I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say "I've 25690just had a good war. 25691 -- Mae West 25692% 25693I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality. 25694% 25695I'm glad I was not born before tea. 25696 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845) 25697% 25698I'm glad that I'm an American, 25699I'm glad that I am free, 25700But I wish I were a little doggy, 25701And McGovern were a tree. 25702% 25703I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens 25704every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share 25705it with you. 25706 25707> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and 25708 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue. 25709> And in LA it's 72. 25710 25711> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity 25712 is a million percent. 25713> And in LA it's 72. 25714 25715> In New York there are a million interesting people. 25716> And in LA there are 72. 25717% 25718I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. 25719 -- Fred Allen 25720% 25721I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. 25722 -- Woody Allen 25723% 25724I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear. 25725 -- John Foreman 25726% 25727I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson 25728says a war isn't really a war without my jokes. 25729 -- Bob Hope 25730% 25731I'm hungry, time to eat lunch. 25732% 25733I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? 25734 -- Harold Urey 25735% 25736I'm just as sad as sad can be! 25737 I've missed your special date. 25738Please say that you're not mad at me 25739 My tax return is late. 25740 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards 25741% 25742I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be 25743living apart. 25744 -- E.E. Cummings 25745% 25746I'm N-ary the tree, I am, 25747N-ary the tree, I am, I am. 25748I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, 25749She's traversed me seven times before. 25750And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) 25751Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) 25752I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. 25753N-ary the tree I am, I am, 25754N-ary the tree I am. 25755 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders 25756% 25757I'm not a lovable man. 25758 -- Richard Nixon. 25759% 25760I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out 25761with twenty-eight years ago. 25762 -- Will Rogers 25763% 25764I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens. 25765 -- Woody Allen 25766% 25767I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to 25768match the men. 25769 -- George Eliot 25770% 25771I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN. 25772 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C 25773% 25774I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you. 25775% 25776I'm not offering myself as an example; 25777every life evolves by its own laws. 25778% 25779I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally. 25780% 25781I'm not proud. 25782% 25783"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!" 25784% 25785I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President. 25786 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964 25787% 25788I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert! 25789% 25790I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't 25791that good. 25792 -- Amy Gorin 25793% 25794I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol 25795that some thinkle peep I am. 25796It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. 25797% 25798I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli- 25799gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there, 25800and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing 25801to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as 25802yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you 25803really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but 25804what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's 25805okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in. 25806 -- Carl Sagan 25807% 25808I'm prepared for all emergencies but 25809totally unprepared for everyday life. 25810% 25811I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is 25812-- I could be just as proud for half the money. 25813 -- Arthur Godfrey 25814% 25815I'm really enjoying not talking to you... 25816Let's not talk again REAL soon... 25817% 25818I'm so broke I can't even pay attention. 25819% 25820I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here. 25821% 25822I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma. 25823% 25824I'm sorry I missed. 25825 -- Squeaky Fromme 25826% 25827I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you. 25828% 25829I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. 25830% 25831I'm successful because I'm lucky. 25832The harder I work, the luckier I get. 25833% 25834"I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking 25835a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel." 25836 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under 25837my arm." 25838% 25839I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, 25840I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; 25841In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, 25842I am the very model of a modern Major-General. 25843 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance" 25844% 25845I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life, 25846like pigeons and Catholics. 25847 -- Woody Allen 25848% 25849Imagination is more important than knowledge. 25850 -- A. Einstein 25851% 25852Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. 25853 -- Jules de Gaultier 25854% 25855Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual 25856way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of 25857complaining. 25858 -- Jeff Raskin 25859% 25860Imagine me going around with a pot belly. 25861It would mean political ruin. 25862 -- Adolf Hitler 25863% 25864Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a 25865150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a 25866screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition 25867for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first 25868question that the computer community asks? 25869 25870"Is it PC compatible?" 25871% 25872Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try. 25873 -- John Lennon, "Imagine" 25874% 25875Imagine what we can imagine! 25876 -- Arthur Rubinstein 25877% 25878Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely. 25879 -- Genji 25880% 25881Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension: 25882 In order for something to become clean, something else must 25883 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting 25884 anything clean. 25885% 25886Imitation is the sincerest form of television. 25887 -- Fred Allen 25888% 25889Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant. 25890% 25891Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan. 25892% 25893Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal. 25894 -- Lionel Trilling 25895% 25896Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal. 25897 -- T.S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger" 25898% 25899Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 25900 -- Jack Paar 25901% 25902Immortality -- a fate worse than death. 25903 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 25904% 25905Immutability, Three Rules of: 25906 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will. 25907 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will. 25908 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will. 25909% 25910IMPARTIAL: 25911 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from 25912 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two 25913 conflicting opinions. 25914% 25915Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. 25916Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading 25917it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving 25918from where you left them to where you can't find them. 25919% 25920In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin 25921in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to 25922revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from 25923behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka 25924shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops. 25925 25926It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the 25927ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go. 25928% 25929In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the 25930dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government 25931more to its liking. 25932 25933In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of 25934Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its 25935liking. 25936% 25937In a bottle, the neck is always at the top. 25938% 25939In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse, 25940an IC will blow to protect the fuse. 25941% 25942In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves: 25943the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy. 25944% 25945In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death 25946by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat, 25947has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat. 25948 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937 25949% 25950In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room 25951humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network 25952anyway. 25953 -- The 5th Wave 25954% 25955In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. 25956Only we can't control when the five year period will begin. 25957% 25958In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is 25959placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker. 25960% 25961In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the 25962other really likes. 25963 -- Elizabeth Ashley 25964% 25965In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... 25966in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent 25967to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who 25968have not yet reached their level of incompetence. 25969 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle" 25970% 25971In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between 25972frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they 25973are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with 25974minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct 25975compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can 25976lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, 25977this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. 25978% 25979In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search 25980of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest 25981because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only 25982person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is 25983superior to Tops10. 25984% 25985In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's 25986taste and in a sports car it's impossible. 25987% 25988In America any boy may become President, and I suppose that's just the 25989risk he takes. 25990 -- Adlai Stevenson 25991% 25992In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. 25993% 25994In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to 25995be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's 25996beloved. 25997 -- Russell Baker 25998% 25999In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly. 26000% 26001In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the 26002sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order. 26003 -- Idi Amin Dada 26004% 26005In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) 26006are to be treated as variables. 26007% 26008In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work, 26009the answer may be obtained by inspection. 26010% 26011In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- 26012it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. 26013 -- Stuart Keate 26014% 26015IN BOX: 26016 A catch basin for everything you don't want 26017 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away. 26018% 26019In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless 26020the cows are known sluts. 26021 -- Johnny Carson 26022% 26023In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it 26024made the World Series just something that came later. 26025 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner 26026% 26027In buying horses and taking a wife 26028shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God. 26029% 26030In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he 26031thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent 26032teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig 26033said, "up to the mathematicians." 26034 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985 26035% 26036In California they don't throw their garbadge away -- they make 26037it into television shows. 26038 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" 26039% 26040In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended. 26041% 26042In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling 26043against prayer in schools will be temporarily cancelled. 26044% 26045In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!" 26046 -- The Kidner Report 26047% 26048In case of fire, yell "FIRE!" 26049% 26050In case of injury notify your superior immediately. 26051He'll kiss it and make it better. 26052% 26053In charity there is no excess. 26054 -- Francis Bacon 26055% 26056In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her 26057husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never 26058be free of subjugation. 26059 -- The Hindu Code of Manu 26060% 26061In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter. 26062% 26063In Cristianity, a man may have only one wife. 26064This is called Monotony. 26065% 26066In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. 26067 -- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery 26068% 26069In dwelling, be close to the land. 26070In meditation, delve deep into the heart. 26071In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. 26072In speech, be true. 26073In work, be competent. 26074In action, be careful of your timing. 26075 -- Lao Tsu 26076% 26077In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our 26078programming languages. 26079% 26080In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. 26081 -- Thomas Jefferson 26082% 26083In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours. 26084 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 26085% 26086In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. 26087Find the fun and snap! The job's a game. 26088And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake, 26089 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see. 26090 -- Mary Poppins 26091% 26092In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug. 26093% 26094In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier 26095transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform 26096in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and 26097spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime. 26098 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900 26099% 26100In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder; 26101in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft. 26102% 26103In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because 26104I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up 26105because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I 26106didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the 26107Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came 26108for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up. 26109 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller 26110% 26111In God we trust; all else we walk through. 26112% 26113In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker 26114know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak? 26115 -- Plato 26116% 26117In her first passion woman loves her lover, 26118In all the others all she loves is love. 26119 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" 26120% 26121In high school in Brooklyn 26122I was the baseball manager, 26123proud as I could be 26124I chased baseballs, 26125gathered thrown bats 26126handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own 26127It was very important work but it was dark blue while 26128for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green 26129but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything 26130When the team got to me about my blue jacket; 26131their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends 26132I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year 26133Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket 26134got these jackets, and among all those green ones 26135surely not a manager Even now, forty years after, 26136 I still recall that jacket 26137 and the memory goes on hurting. 26138 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" 26139% 26140In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together 26141afterwards that causes the problems. 26142 -- Shelley Winters 26143% 26144In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it. 26145 -- Rex Reed 26146% 26147In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into 26148use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather 26149which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. 26150 -- Mark Twain 26151% 26152In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, 26153murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci 26154and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had 26155five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce? 26156The cuckoo-clock. 26157 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man" 26158% 26159In just seven days, I can make you a man! 26160 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show 26161 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.] 26162% 26163In less than a century, computers will be making substantial 26164progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace. 26165 -- James Slagle 26166% 26167In like a dimwit, out like a light. 26168 -- Pogo 26169% 26170In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original. 26171 -- Bruton 26172% 26173In marriage, as in war, it is permitted 26174to take every advantage of the enemy. 26175% 26176In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but 26177the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they 26178have obtained from books of travel. 26179 -- Mark Twain 26180% 26181In matters of principle, stand like a rock; 26182in matters of taste, swim with the current. 26183 -- Thomas Jefferson 26184% 26185In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. 26186 -- Josi Simon 26187% 26188In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf. 26189It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game. 26190% 26191In most instances, all an argument 26192proves is that two people are present. 26193% 26194In my end is my beginning. 26195 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots 26196% 26197In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending 26198your left leg, it's modern architecture. 26199 -- Nancy Banks Smith 26200% 26201IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out 26202becoming pure energy. 26203 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 26204% 26205In Nature there are neither rewards nor 26206punishments, there are consequences. 26207 -- R.G. Ingersoll 26208% 26209In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- 26210a practice which is still continued. 26211 -- Helen Rowland 26212% 26213In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension. 26214% 26215In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is; 26216you're what's left. 26217% 26218In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. 26219% 26220In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. 26221It is not always an easy sacrifice. 26222% 26223In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence 26224is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. 26225 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 26226% 26227In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, 26228intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption 26229from the cares of office. 26230% 26231In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy. 26232% 26233In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced 26234a Prime Minister worthy of assassination. 26235 -- John Diefenbaker 26236% 26237In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia, 26238happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary. 26239 -- Paul Licker 26240% 26241In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you 26242want the other person. 26243 -- Margaret Anderson 26244% 26245In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant. 26246 -- Will Durst 26247% 26248In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really 26249good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change 26250their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really 26251do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are 26252human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot 26253recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion. 26254 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address 26255% 26256In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian. 26257% 26258In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart. 26259 -- Ann Frank 26260% 26261In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing. 26262 -- Alan Kay 26263% 26264In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!" 26265And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it. 26266% 26267In the beginning was the word. 26268But by the time the second word was added to it, 26269There was trouble. 26270For with it came syntax ... 26271 -- John Simon 26272% 26273In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the 26274Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact 26275which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative, 26276intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page 2627714, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and 26278fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest 26279discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers 26280to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that 26281memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote: 26282 26283 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and 26284 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide 26285 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable 26286 combination." 26287 26288Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he 26289could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever. 26290% 26291In the days of old, 26292When Knights were bold, 26293 And women were too cautious; 26294Oh, those gallant days, 26295When women were women, 26296 And men were really obnoxious. 26297% 26298In the dimestores and bus stations 26299People talk of situations 26300Read books repeat quotations 26301Draw conclusions on the wall. 26302 -- Bob Dylan 26303% 26304In the early morning queue, 26305With a listing in my hand. 26306With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9, 26307Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go. 26308I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue, 26309How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows. 26310In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft, 26311With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast. 26312 Hey, there it goes my friend, 26313 I've moved up one at last. 26314 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early 26315 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot 26316% 26317In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It changes 26318into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird 26319moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This 26320message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making 26321its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue 26322sky at its back, returns home. 26323 26324The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not. 26325The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message. 26326The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know 26327 that the bird has come and gone. 26328% 26329In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man. 26330 -- Martin Mull 26331% 26332In the first place, God made idiots; 26333this was for practice; then he made school boards. 26334 -- Mark Twain 26335% 26336In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 26337the proper order then why can't he? 26338% 26339In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 26340the proper order then why can't he? 26341 26342 26343I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah 26344Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda 26345 S-O-D-A soda 26346I saw the little runt sitting there on a log 26347I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda 26348 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 26349 26350Well I've been around but I ain't never seen 26351A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green 26352 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 26353Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand 26354How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand 26355 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 26356 -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks 26357% 26358In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians. 26359 -- Joseph Stalin 26360% 26361In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. 26362You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them. 26363% 26364In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. 26365 -- Lenny Bruce 26366% 26367In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, 26368woman is merely an instrument of pleasure. 26369 -- Tolstoy 26370% 26371In the land of the dark the Ship of the 26372Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. 26373 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead 26374% 26375In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. 26376 -- Alan Perlis 26377% 26378In the long run we are all dead. 26379 -- John Maynard Keynes 26380% 26381In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands 26382a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to 26383the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus. 26384 26385Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first? 26386A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths. 26387% 26388In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man 26389noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of 26390the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet 26391conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this 26392jaded group. Why don't I take you home?"" 26393 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you 26394live?" 26395% 26396In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not 26397displeasing to us. 26398 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 26399% 26400In the next world, you're on your own. 26401% 26402In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the 26403wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After 26404everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the 26405camp. 26406 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from 26407a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get 26408louder and louder. 26409 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like 26410the sound of those drums." 26411 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S 26412NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER." 26413% 26414In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a 26415loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to 26416you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty 26417lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog 26418and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it 26419was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you. 26420 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 26421% 26422In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and 26423struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny 26424and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the 26425crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch. 26426 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian 26427 novel. 26428% 26429In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has 26430shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old 26431Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred 26432thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the 26433Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is 26434something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of 26435conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 26436 -- Mark Twain 26437% 26438In the Spring, I have counted 136 26439different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. 26440 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather 26441% 26442In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator. 26443% 26444In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop 26445out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques. 26446 -- Art Linkletter 26447% 26448In the war of wits, he's unarmed. 26449% 26450In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. 26451In practice, there is. 26452% 26453In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain. 26454 -- Pliny the Elder 26455% 26456In this vale 26457Of toil and sin 26458Your head grows bald 26459But not your chin. 26460 -- Burma Shave 26461% 26462In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. 26463 -- Benjamin Franklin 26464% 26465In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be 26466thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. 26467 -- H.L. Mencken 26468% 26469In this world some people are going to like me and some are not. 26470So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me. 26471% 26472In this world there are only two tragedies. One is 26473not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. 26474 -- Oscar Wilde 26475% 26476In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it. 26477% 26478In time, every post tends to be occupied by an 26479employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties. 26480 -- Dr. L.J. Peter 26481% 26482In /users3 did Kubla Kahn 26483A stately pleasure dome decree, 26484Where /bin, the sacred river ran 26485Through Test Suites measureless to Man 26486Down to a sunless C. 26487% 26488In war it is not men, but the man who counts. 26489 -- Napoleon 26490% 26491In war, truth is the first casualty. 26492 -- U Thant 26493% 26494In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking? 26495% 26496In wine there is truth (In vino veritas). 26497 -- Pliny 26498% 26499In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree 26500But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree. 26501% 26502In Xanadu did Kubla Khan 26503A stately pleasure dome decree: 26504Where Alph, the sacred river, ran 26505Through caverns measureless to man 26506Down to a sunless sea. 26507So twice five miles of fertile ground 26508With walls and towers were girdled round: 26509And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills, 26510Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree; 26511And here were forest ancient as the hills, 26512Enfolding sunny spots of greenery. 26513 -- S.T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn" 26514% 26515In youth, it was a way I had 26516To do my best to please, 26517And change, with every passing lad, 26518To suit his theories. 26519 26520But now I know the things I know, 26521And do the things I do; 26522And if you do not like me so, 26523To hell, my love, with you! 26524 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer" 26525% 26526INCENTIVE PROGRAM: 26527 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses 26528 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with 26529 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective 26530 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to 26531 keep it." 26532% 26533Include me out. 26534% 26535Increased knowledge will help you now. 26536Have mate's phone bugged. 26537% 26538INCUMBENT: 26539 Person of livliest interest to the outcumbents. 26540% 26541Indecision is the true basis for flexibility. 26542% 26543Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as 26544`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled 26545with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.' 26546 -- M.D. Epstein 26547% 26548INDEX: 26549 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an 26550 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be. 26551% 26552Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and 26553basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley 26554is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee. 26555 -- Carolyn Jones 26556% 26557Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? 26558% 26559Individualists unite! 26560% 26561Indomitable in retreat; invincible in 26562advance; insufferable in victory. 26563 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery 26564% 26565infancy, n: 26566 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies 26567about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. 26568 -- Ambrose Bierce 26569% 26570Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the 26571Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does. 26572 -- Ambrose Bierce 26573% 26574Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. 26575% 26576Information Center: 26577 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to 26578 tell you why you cannot have the information you require. 26579% 26580Information is the inverse of entropy. 26581% 26582Information Processing: 26583 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with 26584 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence. 26585% 26586Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 26587 26588 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: 26589 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! 26590 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet 26591 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen 26592 obedicing the instructs of the vessel. 26593 26594 On the door in a Belgrade hotel: 26595 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on 26596 the service. Our utmost will improve it. 26597 26598 -- Colin Bowles 26599% 26600Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 26601 26602 Sign on a cathedral in Spain: 26603 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if 26604 dressed as a man. 26605 26606 Above the enterance to a Cairo bar: 26607 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband 26608 or similar. 26609 26610 On a Bucharest elevator: 26611 26612 The lift is being fixed for the next days. 26613 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. 26614 26615 -- Colin Bowles 26616% 26617Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 26618 26619 Various signs in Poland: 26620 26621 Right turn toward immediate outside. 26622 26623 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. 26624 26625 Five o'clock tea at all hours. 26626 26627 In a men's washroom in Sidney: 26628 26629 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start, 26630 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands 26631 on front of shirt. 26632 26633 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle 26634% 26635ingrate, n: 26636 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, 26637 and then complains of indigestion. 26638% 26639Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 26640 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 26641% 26642ink, n: 26643 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, 26644 and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of 26645 idiocy and promote intellectual crime. 26646 -- H.L. Mencken 26647% 26648Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one 26649likes oneself. 26650 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect" 26651% 26652INNOVATE: 26653 Annoy people. 26654% 26655Innovation is hard to schedule. 26656 -- Dan Fylstra 26657% 26658INNUENDO: 26659 Italian enema. 26660% 26661Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same 26662token it is the shortest detour to marriage. 26663 -- Wilson Mizner 26664% 26665Insanity is inherited, you get it from your kids! 26666% 26667Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when 26668the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. 26669% 26670INSECURITY: 26671 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your 26672 favorite words. 26673 26674 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to 26675 the person who told it to you. 26676% 26677Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. 26678% 26679Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. 26680% 26681Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first 26682 hunting accident?" 26683Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes." 26684 -- Woody Allen 26685% 26686Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile. 26687% 26688Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't 26689they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning 26690anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five 26691years we would have the smartest race of people on earth. 26692 -- The Best of Will Rogers 26693% 26694Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better. 26695 -- Edgar W. Howe 26696% 26697Integrity has no need for rules. 26698% 26699Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way. 26700 -- Henry Spencer 26701% 26702Intellect annuls Fate. 26703So far as a man thinks, he is free. 26704 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 26705% 26706Interchangeable parts won't. 26707% 26708INTEREST: 26709 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and 26710 burned out employees must feign. 26711% 26712Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the 26713street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US 26714invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; 26715and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?" 26716 -- David Letterman 26717% 26718Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're 26719best at, that's what I say. 26720 -- Doctor Who 26721% 26722INTERPRETER: 26723 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand 26724 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the 26725 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. 26726% 26727Into love and out again, 26728 Thus I went and thus I go. 26729Spare your voice, and hold your pen: 26730 Well and bitterly I know 26731All the songs were ever sung, 26732 All the words were ever said; 26733Could it be, when I was young, 26734 Someone dropped me on my head? 26735 -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory" 26736% 26737INTOXICATED: 26738 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it. 26739% 26740Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor. 26741 26742INSTRUCTION SET 26743 Code Mnemonic What 26744 0 NOP No Operation 26745 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits) 26746 26747Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents! 26748% 26749Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac! 26750% 26751Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing -- 26752it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up. 26753 -- Bernard Cooke 26754% 26755I/O, I/O, 26756It's off to disk I go, 26757A bit or byte to read or write, 26758I/O, I/O, I/O... 26759% 26760 26761 26762_/I\_____________o______________o___/I\ l * / /_/ * __ ' .* l 26763I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\ l *// _l__l_ . *. l 26764 [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l 26765 [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l l \\ // ____ >-( )-< / l 26766 [__][__][_l l[__][__][l l][__][] l l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l 26767 [][__][__]l .l_][__][__] .l__][__] l l ll _(o_o)_ (@*_*@ l 26768 [__][__][/ <_)[__][__]/ <_)][__][] l l ll ( / \ ) / / / ) l 26769 [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l l / \\ _\ \_ / _\_\ l 26770 [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l l______________________________l 26771 [__][__]] l , , . [__][__][] l 26772 [][__][_] l . i. '/ , [][__][__] l /\**/\ season's 26773 [__][__]] l O .\ / /, O [__][__][] l ( o_o )_) greetings 26774_[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u u ,),__________________ 26775 [__][__]]/ /l\-------/l\ [__][__][]/ {}{}{}{}{}{}<R> 26776 26777In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside. 26778 26779% 26780IOT trap -- core dumped 26781% 26782IOT trap -- mos dumped 26783% 26784Iowa State -- the high school after high school! 26785 -- Crow T. Robot 26786% 26787Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because 26788they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those 26789little paper envelopes. 26790% 26791Iron Law of Distribution: 26792 Them that has, gets. 26793% 26794IRONY: 26795 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with 26796 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes. 26797% 26798Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less? 26799% 26800Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast? 26801% 26802"Is a tatoo real, like a curb or a battleship? 26803Or are we suffering in Safeway?" 26804 -- Zippy the Pinhead 26805% 26806Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch? 26807% 26808Is death legally binding? 26809% 26810Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is 26811meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as 26812a soap bubble? 26813% 26814Is it weird in here, or is it just me? 26815 -- Steven Wright 26816% 26817Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that? 26818% 26819Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning 26820of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, 26821and such as are out wish to get in? 26822 -- Ralph Emerson 26823% 26824Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. 26825 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex" 26826% 26827Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? 26828 -- Mae West 26829% 26830Is that really YOU that is reading this? 26831% 26832"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?" 26833"To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time." 26834"The dog did nothing in the night-time." 26835"That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes. 26836% 26837Is there life before breakfast? 26838% 26839Is this really happening? 26840% 26841Isn't air travel wonderful? 26842Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil. 26843% 26844Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent 26845person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind? 26846 -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters 26847% 26848Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction 26849listen to weather forecasts and economists? 26850 -- Kelvin Throop III 26851% 26852Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives 26853avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that 26854would make them better prospects? 26855% 26856Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live 26857there? 26858 -- Herb Caen 26859% 26860Isn't it strange that the same people that 26861laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? 26862% 26863ISO applications: 26864 A solution in search of a problem! 26865% 26866Issawi's Laws of Progress: 26867 The Course of Progress: 26868 Most things get steadily worse. 26869 The Path of Progress: 26870 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 26871% 26872It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the 26873most widely used higher level language for systems programming. 26874 -- J. Sammet 26875% 26876It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, 26877Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt. 26878It lies behind starts and under hills, 26879And empty holes it fills. 26880It comes first and follows after, 26881Ends life, kills laughter. 26882% 26883"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is 26884any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's 26885horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's 26886existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be 26887that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a 26888thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's 26889horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's 26890horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that 26891Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only 26892have wings by not being Walter's horse. 26893 26894I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P 26895then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand 26896for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is 26897necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a 26898better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me. 26899 -- A.N. Prior, "Time and Modality" 26900% 26901It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. 26902 -- Benjamin Disraeli 26903% 26904It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would 26905interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation 26906for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were 26907invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by 26908was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is 26909hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have 26910carried me. 26911 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time" 26912% 26913It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations. 26914% 26915It does not matter if you fall down as long as you 26916pick up something from the floor while you get up. 26917% 26918It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've 26919done and what you're going to do. 26920% 26921It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose. 26922% 26923It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out 26924next morning it was someone else. 26925 -- Rogers 26926% 26927It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan 26928which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, 26929insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather 26930than be the instrument of his army's downfall. 26931 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought" 26932% 26933It gets late early out there. 26934 -- Yogi Berra 26935% 26936It got to the point where I had to get a haircut 26937or both feet firmly planted in the air. 26938% 26939It hangs down from the chandelier 26940Nobody knows quite what it does 26941Its color is odd and its shape is weird 26942It emits a high-sounding buzz 26943 26944It grows a couple of feet each day 26945and wriggles with sort of a twitch 26946Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from 26947a visiting uncle who's rich! 26948 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear" 26949% 26950It happened long ago 26951In the new magic land 26952The Indians and the buffalo 26953Existed hand in hand 26954The Indians needed food 26955They need skins for a roof 26956The only took what they needed 26957And the buffalo ran loose 26958But then came the white man 26959With his thick and empty head 26960He couldn't see past his billfold 26961He wanted all the buffalo dead 26962It was sad, oh so sad. 26963 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo" 26964% 26965It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came 26966out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and applauded. 26967He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I think the world 26968will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe 26969that it is a joke. 26970% 26971It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be 26972most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment, 26973it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind. 26974 -- H. Warner Munn 26975% 26976It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it 26977is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists 26978have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. 26979 -- Ambrose Bierce 26980% 26981It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life 26982I have been searching for evidence which could support this. 26983 -- Bertrand Russell 26984% 26985It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends 26986and getting people under the influence. 26987 -- Jeremy Tunstall 26988% 26989It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 26990% 26991It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill, 26992or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who 26993achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom 26994good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy 26995notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all 26996infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from 26997folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens 26998their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that 26999appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge, 27000and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum 27001competence will be quite enough. 27002 -- The Underground Grammarian 27003% 27004It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely 27005the most important. 27006 -- Sherlock Holmes 27007% 27008It has long been an axiom of mine that the 27009little things are infinitely the most important. 27010 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity" 27011% 27012It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the 27013manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle 27014baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest 27015is nest, and never the mane shall tweet. 27016% 27017It has long been known that one horse can run faster 27018than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial. 27019 -- Lazarus Long 27020% 27021It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of 27022indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury 27023is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim 27024of infanticide. 27025 -- Edmond About 27026% 27027It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, 27028to argue with the belly, since it has no ears. 27029 -- Marcus Porcius Cato 27030% 27031It is a lesson which all history teaches 27032wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances. 27033 -- Emerson 27034% 27035It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. 27036% 27037It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish. 27038 -- Aeschylus 27039% 27040It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was 27041my age, he had been dead for 2 years. 27042 -- Tom Lehrer 27043% 27044It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but 27045it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to 27046organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The 27047manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and 27048I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities. 27049 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they 27050could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months, 27051three more than the schedule allowed. 27052 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they 27053could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating; 27054it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule. 27055Futhermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling 27056their thumbs for ten months. 27057 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control 27058program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time, 27059but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and 27060it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual 27061integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would 27062estimate that it added a year to debugging time. 27063 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 27064% 27065It is a wise father that knows his own child. 27066 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 27067% 27068It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. 27069What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing 27070thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? 27071 -- Alan Perlis 27072% 27073It is all right to hold a conversation, 27074but you should let go of it now and then. 27075 -- Richard Armour 27076% 27077It is always the best policy to speak the truth, 27078unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. 27079 -- Jerome K. Jerome 27080% 27081It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, 27082you are an exceptionally good liar. 27083 -- Jerome K. Jerome 27084% 27085It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness. 27086% 27087It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. 27088 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) 27089% 27090It is bad luck to be superstitious. 27091 -- Andrew W. Mathis 27092% 27093[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time. 27094 -- K&R 27095% 27096It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged. 27097% 27098It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all. 27099% 27100It is better to burn out than it is to rust. 27101% 27102It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. 27103% 27104It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same. 27105% 27106It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall. 27107% 27108It is better to have loved and lost -- much better. 27109% 27110It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. 27111% 27112It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark. 27113% 27114It is better to live rich than to die rich. 27115 -- Samuel Johnson 27116% 27117It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan. 27118% 27119It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental. 27120% 27121It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free, 27122and weight yourself down with invisible chains. 27123% 27124It is better to wear out than to rust out. 27125% 27126It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: 27127freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. 27128 -- Mark Twain 27129% 27130It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, 27131admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. 27132 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 27133% 27134It is contrary to reasoning to say that there 27135is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing. 27136 -- Descartes 27137% 27138It is convenient that there be gods, and, 27139as it is convenient, let us believe there are. 27140 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) 27141% 27142It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might 27143remember. 27144 -- Eugene McCarthy 27145% 27146It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators. 27147% 27148It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive 27149and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing 27150rabbits singing about toilet paper. 27151 -- R. Serling 27152% 27153It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys. 27154% 27155It is easier for a camel to pass through the 27156eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. 27157 -- Kehlog Albran 27158% 27159It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its 27160proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a 27161better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat 27162your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of 27163attention, the harder the task. 27164 -- Sydney J. Harris 27165% 27166It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. 27167% 27168It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 27169 -- Alfred Adler 27170% 27171It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig. 27172 -- George Santayana 27173% 27174It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. 27175 -- Leonardo da Vinci 27176% 27177It is easier to run down a hill than up one. 27178% 27179It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. 27180% 27181It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted. 27182 -- Aeschylus 27183% 27184It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination 27185of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends... 27186 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters 27187% 27188It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he 27189holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who 27190is there, but speed him when he wishes. 27191 -- Homer, "The Odyssey" 27192 27193 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 27194 referring to scheduling.] 27195% 27196It is exactly because a man cannot do a 27197thing that he is a proper judge of it. 27198 -- Oscar Wilde 27199% 27200It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This 27201is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the 27202last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give 27203enough. 27204 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin" 27205% 27206It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love. 27207% 27208It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities 27209without your help. 27210 -- Miss Manners 27211% 27212It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life. 27213% 27214It is fruitless: 27215 to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid. 27216 27217 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with 27218 innovative maneuvers. 27219% 27220It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because 27221if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. 27222 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 27223% 27224It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion: 27225love does not lie in the ear. 27226 -- Walpole 27227% 27228It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward 27229the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the 27230case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by 27231crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars. 27232 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 27233% 27234It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised. 27235% 27236It is impossible to defend perfectly 27237against the attack of those who want to die. 27238% 27239It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly 27240unless one has plenty of work to do. 27241 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome 27242% 27243It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do. 27244 -- Jerome K. Jerome 27245% 27246It is impossible to make anything 27247foolproof because fools are so ingenious. 27248% 27249It is impossible to travel faster than light, and 27250certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. 27251 -- Woody Allen 27252% 27253IT IS IN PROCESS: 27254 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless. 27255% 27256It is indeed desirable to be well descended, 27257but the glory belongs to our ancestors. 27258 -- Plutarch 27259% 27260It is like saying that for the cause of peace, 27261God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting. 27262 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip 27263% 27264It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his 27265wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when 27266they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks 27267like a happy married life. 27268 -- Oscar Wilde 27269% 27270It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. 27271 -- Benjamin Disraeli 27272% 27273It is much easier to suggest solutions 27274when you know nothing about the problem. 27275% 27276It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. 27277% 27278It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged 27279to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the 27280youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. 27281 -- George Bernard Shaw 27282% 27283It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children. 27284 -- Kingsley Amis 27285% 27286It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide. 27287% 27288It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, 27289that makes life blessed. 27290 -- Goethe 27291% 27292It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail. 27293 -- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's 27294 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.] 27295 27296It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. 27297 -- Gore Vidal 27298 [Great minds think alike? Ed.] 27299% 27300It is not enough to have a good mind. 27301The main thing is to use it well. 27302 -- Rene Descartes 27303% 27304It is not enough to have great qualities, 27305we should also have the management of them. 27306 -- La Rochefoucauld 27307% 27308It is not every question that deserves an answer. 27309 -- Publilius Syrus 27310% 27311It is not for me to attempt to fathom the 27312inscrutable workings of Providence. 27313 -- The Earl of Birkenhead 27314% 27315It is not good for a man to be without knowledge, 27316and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way. 27317 -- Proverbs 19:2 27318% 27319It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for 27320dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but 27321she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She 27322does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a 27323dessert, why didn't you order one?' You must understand, she has the 27324dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours. 27325 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman" 27326% 27327It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply 27328that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be. 27329 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics" 27330% 27331It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether 27332the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the 27333man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and 27334blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who 27335knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a 27336worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that 27337he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory 27338or defeat. 27339 -- Teddy Roosevelt 27340% 27341It is not true that life is one damn thing after 27342another -- it's one damn thing over and over. 27343 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 27344% 27345It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on 27346the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His 27347wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a 27348kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and 27349big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair 27350and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some 27351kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife 27352sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.* 27353 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road" 27354% 27355It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? 27356 -- Elizabeth Carpenter 27357% 27358It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. 27359% 27360It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort 27361to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and 27362chemistry. 27363 -- H.L. Mencken 27364% 27365It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. 27366 -- Grace Murray Hopper 27367% 27368It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it. 27369 -- Cervantes 27370% 27371It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live 27372at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result 27373is the only thing that makes the result come true. 27374 -- William James 27375% 27376It is only with the heart one can see clearly; 27377what is essential is invisible to the eye. 27378 -- The Fox, 'The Little Prince" 27379% 27380It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost 27381anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push 27382a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible 27383way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension 27384should be used in its proper place. 27385 -- Christopher Strachey 27386% 27387It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen. 27388 -- Maimie Van Doren 27389% 27390It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that 27391have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are 27392mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. 27393 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 27394% 27395It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat 27396rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they 27397kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest. 27398 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's 27399% 27400It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, 27401his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the 27402worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one 27403day like any other day, only shorter. 27404 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies" 27405% 27406It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a 27407sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate 27408in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, 27409too, shall pass away." 27410 -- A. Lincoln 27411% 27412It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the 27413lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as 27414high as the eagle? 27415% 27416It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for. 27417 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard 27418% 27419It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the 27420devil when he is the only explanation of it. 27421 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight" 27422% 27423It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of- 27424yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up. 27425% 27426It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a 27427statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious 27428to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, 27429which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the 27430highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details, 27431worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour. 27432 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" 27433% 27434It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. 27435 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 27436% 27437It is the business of little minds to shrink. 27438 -- Carl Sandburg 27439% 27440It is the business of the future to be dangerous. 27441 -- Hawkwind 27442% 27443It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will 27444set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs. 27445 -- Francis Bacon 27446% 27447It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. 27448 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 27449% 27450It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour. 27451 -- Francis Bacon 27452% 27453It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree. 27454% 27455It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously 27456lives, works and has his being. 27457 -- Thomas Carlyle 27458% 27459It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five 27460straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes 27461Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. 27462% 27463It is up to us to produce better-quality movies. 27464 -- Lloyd Kaufman, 27465 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator" 27466% 27467It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. 27468It produces a false impression. 27469 -- Oscar Wilde. 27470% 27471It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure. 27472 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 27473% 27474It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final. 27475 -- Roger Babson 27476% 27477It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire. 27478 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 27479% 27480It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world. 27481% 27482It isn't easy being green. 27483 -- Kermit the Frog 27484% 27485It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty 27486small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands 27487computers. 27488% 27489It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be 27490unhappy. 27491 -- Groucho Marx 27492% 27493It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with. 27494 -- Jack T. Shakespeare 27495% 27496It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods 27497to Grandmother's condo. 27498% 27499It looked like something resembling white marble, which was 27500probably what it was: something resembling white marble. 27501 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" 27502% 27503It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. 27504% 27505It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. 27506Get into that garbage chute, flyboy! 27507 -- Princess Leia Organa 27508% 27509IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about 27510a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw 27511that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." 27512 27513Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up. 27514 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 27515% 27516It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair 27517to get in, and those within despair of getting out. 27518 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne 27519% 27520It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win 27521or lose. 27522 -- Darrin Weinberg 27523% 27524It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is 27525better still to be a live lion. And usually easier. 27526 -- Lazarus Long 27527% 27528It may be that your whole purpose in life 27529is simply to serve as a warning to others. 27530% 27531It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done. 27532% 27533It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more 27534doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of 27535a new system. For the initiator has the emnity of all who would profit 27536by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders 27537in those who would gain by the new ones. 27538 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513 27539% 27540It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions 27541that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that 27542starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed. 27543 -- Arthur Binstead 27544% 27545It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. 27546% 27547It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately. 27548% 27549It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of 27550one's life and then come round. 27551 -- Lord Alfred Douglas 27552% 27553It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety. 27554% 27555It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and 27556they'll come out for it. 27557 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul 27558 Harry Cohn 27559% 27560It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones 27561slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much 27562more. 27563 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 27564% 27565It seems a little silly now, but this country 27566was founded as a protest against taxation. 27567% 27568It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should 27569be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of 27570unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of 27571artificial lubrication or foreplay. 27572 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's 27573 "Sex, Art and American Culture" 27574% 27575It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong. 27576 -- Chris Torek 27577% 27578It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level 27579language named "research student". 27580% 27581It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you. 27582% 27583It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how 27584to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, 27585and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family 27586airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The 27587average wife is like that. 27588 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike 27589% 27590It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it. 27591% 27592It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face. 27593% 27594It takes all kinds to fill the freeways. 27595 -- Crazy Charlie 27596% 27597It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder. 27598% 27599It takes less time to do a thing right 27600than it does to explain why you did it wrong. 27601 -- H.W. Longfellow 27602% 27603It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear. 27604% 27605It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card 27606may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada 27607military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said 27608the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found 27609a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army 27610officiers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the 27611Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit. 27612 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology 27613% 27614It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, 27615but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. 27616 -- Robert Benchley 27617% 27618It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the 27619system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine 27620some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very 27621sharp, probably not someone here on campus. 27622 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in 27623 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm. 27624% 27625It used to be the fun was in 27626The capture and kill. 27627In another place and time 27628I did it all for thrills. 27629 -- Lust to Love 27630% 27631It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. 27632 -- Mark Twain 27633% 27634It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. 27635% 27636It was a brave man that ate the first oyster. 27637% 27638It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest 27639since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and 27640laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class. 27641 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944" 27642% 27643It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks 27644never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies. 27645 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" 27646% 27647It was all so different before everything changed. 27648% 27649It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, 27650when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm. 27651 -- Dion, noted computer scientist 27652% 27653It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze 27654was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ... 27655 --- James Dent 27656% 27657It was one time too many 27658One word too few 27659It was all too much for me and you 27660There was one way to go 27661Nothing more we could do 27662One time too many 27663One word too few 27664 -- Meredith Tanner 27665% 27666It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest. 27667% 27668It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets," 27669thought Frito. 27670 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 27671% 27672It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps 27673I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I 27674don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and 27675the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual 27676charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its 27677novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but 27678yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable 27679man a lifetime. 27680 -- Thomas Aldrich 27681% 27682It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country 27683road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse 27684and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water 27685from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop. 27686The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked 27687to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a 27688man appeared out of an upstairs window. 27689 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly. 27690 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you 27691would let me stay here for the night." 27692 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's 27693okay with me." 27694% 27695It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. 27696Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top. 27697 -- Hunter S. Thompson 27698% 27699It was wonderful to find America, but it 27700would have been more wonderful to miss it. 27701 -- Mark Twain 27702% 27703It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded. 27704 -- Tim Conway 27705% 27706It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. 27707It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. 27708% 27709It would be nice to be sure of anything 27710the way some people are of everything. 27711% 27712It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now. 27713% 27714italic, adj: 27715 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to 27716 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases 27717 are often slanted to the left. 27718% 27719It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished. 27720% 27721It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home. 27722 -- Luke Skywalker 27723% 27724It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools. 27725 -- Danny Vermin 27726% 27727It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back 27728and party! 27729 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space" 27730% 27731It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. 27732 -- Andrew Jackson 27733% 27734It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underware. 27735 -- Cheers 27736% 27737It's a naive, domestic operating system without any 27738breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption. 27739% 27740It's a poor workman who blames his tools. 27741% 27742It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression 27743when you lose yours. 27744 -- Harry S. Truman 27745% 27746It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. 27747 -- Steven Wright 27748% 27749It's all in the mind, ya know. 27750% 27751It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. 27752 -- Mick Jagger 27753% 27754"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand 27755any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are 27756never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come 27757out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb. 27758What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of 27759flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones 27760half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, multilation, and 27761then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could 27762have thought it up, I wonder?" 27763 -- James Purdy 27764% 27765It's always darkest just before the lights go out. 27766 -- Alex Clark 27767% 27768It's amazing how many people you could be friends 27769with if only they'd make the first approach. 27770% 27771It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope. 27772% 27773It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. 27774% 27775It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away. 27776 -- Michael Arlen 27777% 27778It's bad enough that life is a rat-race, 27779but why do the rats always have to win? 27780% 27781It's better to be quotable than to be honest. 27782 -- Tom Stoppard 27783% 27784It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all. 27785 -- Marty Winch 27786% 27787It's better to burn out than it is to rust. 27788% 27789It's better to burn out than to fade away. 27790% 27791It's better to have loved and lost -- much better. 27792% 27793It's business doing pleasure with you. 27794% 27795It's clever, but is it art? 27796% 27797It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame. 27798% 27799"It's easier said than done." 27800 27801... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than 27802said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than 27803said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than 27804done". 27805% 27806It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home. 27807 -- Don Price 27808% 27809It's easier to get forgiveness for being 27810wrong than forgiveness for being right. 27811% 27812It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together. 27813 -- Washlesky 27814% 27815It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong; 27816it's much harder to forgive them for being right. 27817% 27818It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger. 27819% 27820It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! 27821 -- Macy's 27822% 27823Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism 27824in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with 27825the ignorance of the community. 27826 -- Oscar Wilde 27827% 27828It's faster horses, 27829Younger women, 27830Older whiskey and 27831More money. 27832 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life" 27833% 27834It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line. 27835 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam" 27836% 27837It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the 27838first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to 27839kill somebody. 27840 -- Dorothy Sayers 27841% 27842It's gonna be alright, 27843It's almost midnight, 27844And I've got two more bottles of wine. 27845% 27846It's hard not to like a man of many qualities, 27847even if most of them are bad. 27848% 27849It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma. 27850If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas? 27851% 27852It's hard to be humble when you're perfect. 27853% 27854It's hard to drive at the limit, but 27855it's harder to know where the limits are. 27856 -- Stirling Moss 27857% 27858It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. 27859 -- Groucho Marx 27860% 27861It's hard to keep your shirt on when 27862you're getting something off your chest. 27863% 27864It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe. 27865 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead" 27866% 27867It's hard to think of you as the end 27868result of millions of years of evolution. 27869% 27870It's important that people know what you stand for. 27871It's more important that they know what you won't stand for. 27872% 27873It's interesting to think that many quite 27874distinguished people have bodies similar to yours. 27875% 27876It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. 27877If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't 27878our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. 27879 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News" 27880% 27881It's just apartment house rules, 27882So all you 'partment house fools 27883Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor. 27884One man's ceiling is another man's floor. 27885 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor" 27886% 27887It's later than you think. 27888% 27889It's later than you think, the joint 27890Russian-American space mission has already begun. 27891% 27892It's like deja vu all over again. 27893 -- Yogi Berra 27894% 27895It's Like This 27896 27897Even the samurai 27898have teddy bears, 27899and even the teddy bears 27900get drunk. 27901% 27902It's lucky you're going so slowly, because 27903you're going in the wrong direction. 27904% 27905It's multiple choice time... 27906 27907 What is FORTRAN? 27908 27909 a: Between thre and fiv tran. 27910 b: What two computers engage in before they interface. 27911 c: Ridiculous. 27912% 27913Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. 27914It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God. 27915 -- Mark Twain 27916% 27917It's never too late to have a happy childhood. 27918% 27919It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding 27920a sickness you like. 27921 -- Jackie Mason 27922% 27923It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat. 27924% 27925It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon. 27926 -- Tom Lehrer 27927% 27928It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. 27929 -- Phil White 27930% 27931It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. 27932 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston 27933% 27934It's not easy being green. 27935 -- Kermit 27936% 27937It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. 27938 -- Alexander Korda 27939% 27940It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong. 27941 -- J.K. Galbraith 27942% 27943It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. 27944% 27945It's not that I'm afraid to die. 27946I just don't want to be there when it happens. 27947 -- Woody Allen 27948% 27949It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing. 27950% 27951It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts. 27952 -- Mae West 27953% 27954It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing the game. 27955% 27956It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game. 27957 -- Grantland Rice 27958% 27959It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game. 27960% 27961It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame. 27962% 27963It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is 27964the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages 27965"You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. 27966 -- Sydney J. Harris 27967% 27968It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain 27969what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess. 27970 -- Roger Noe 27971% 27972It's our fault. We should have given him better parts. 27973 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been 27974 elected governor of California. 27975 27976[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy 27977for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."] 27978% 27979It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve 27980as a warning to others. 27981% 27982It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; 27983poverty and wealth have both failed. 27984 -- Kim Hubbard 27985% 27986It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. 27987% 27988It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, 27989society will take full responsibility for you. 27990% 27991It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped 27992using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not 27993only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only 27994difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental 27995results to humans. 27996 27997 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.] 27998% 27999It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers 28000have been all over it. 28001 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine. 28002% 28003It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment, 28004 just to see if it's real, 28005Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel, 28006But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face, 28007So ask me just one question when this magic night is through, 28008Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you? 28009 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" 28010% 28011It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the 28012Devil when he is the only explanation for it. 28013% 28014It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten. 28015% 28016It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? 28017% 28018It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time. 28019 -- Tallulah Bankhead 28020% 28021It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises 28022the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to. 28023 -- Franklin P. Jones 28024% 28025It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... 28026boy gets another beer. 28027 -- Cheers 28028% 28029"It's today!" said Piglet. 28030"My favorite day," said Pooh. 28031% 28032It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're 28033madly in love, drunk, or running for office. 28034% 28035It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the 28036venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out. 28037 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy. 28038% 28039It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never 28040know when everything may suddenly stop happening. 28041% 28042IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or 28043 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to 28044 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. 28045 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it 28046 inevitably unsuccessful. 28047 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. 28048 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel 28049 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an 28050 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to 28051 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. 28052 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding 28053 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. 28054VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. 28055 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a 28056 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of 28057 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common 28058 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky" 28059 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high 28060 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. 28061 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 28062% 28063I've already told you more than I know. 28064% 28065I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers. 28066% 28067I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember, 28068when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day! 28069% 28070I've always made it a solemn practice to never 28071drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast. 28072 -- R. Nesson 28073% 28074I've been in more laps than a napkin. 28075 -- Mae West 28076% 28077I've Been Moved! 28078% 28079I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. 28080 -- Totie Fields 28081% 28082I've been on this lonely road so long, 28083Does anybody know where it goes, 28084I remember last time the signs pointed home, 28085A month ago. 28086 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode" 28087% 28088I've been there. 28089% 28090I've built a better model than the one at Data General 28091For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral 28092My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; 28093My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. 28094My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, 28095You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; 28096There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; 28097My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. 28098 28099I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: 28100There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, 28101Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral 28102I've built a better model than the one at Data General. 28103 28104 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song", (To the tune of 28105 "Modern Major General") 28106% 28107I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. 28108It means we get to keep all our old mistakes. 28109 -- Dennie van Tassel 28110% 28111I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. 28112% 28113I've got a very bad feeling about this. 28114 -- Han Solo 28115% 28116I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock. 28117 -- Henny Youngman 28118% 28119I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add. 28120 -- Stephen Wright 28121% 28122I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. 28123 -- Groucho Marx 28124% 28125I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. 28126I'd like to watch him have another. 28127% 28128I've looked at the listing, and it's right! 28129 -- Joel Halpern. 28130% 28131I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must 28132be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember... 28133 28134Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks. 28135% 28136I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved. 28137 -- George Gobel 28138% 28139I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say. 28140 -- Calvin Coolidge 28141% 28142I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police. 28143 -- Keith Richards 28144 28145I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of 28146bad taste. 28147 -- Keith Richards 28148% 28149I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. 28150 -- W.C. Fields 28151% 28152I've noticed several design suggestions in your code. 28153% 28154I've only got 12 cards. 28155% 28156I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not 28157like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife; 28158indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand 28159devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this. 28160I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them. 28161 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway 28162% 28163I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes 28164me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. 28165 -- Tallulah Bankhead 28166% 28167Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: 28168 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the 28169 legislature is in session. 28170% 28171jake hates 28172 all the girls(the 28173shy ones, the bold paul scorns all 28174ones; the meek the girls(the 28175proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim 28176all except the cold ones; the slim 28177 ones plump tiny tall) 28178 all except the 28179 dull ones 28180gus loves all the 28181 girls(the 28182warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls 28183ones; the mad (the 28184moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean 28185all except ones; the mean 28186 the dead ones kind dirty clean) 28187 all 28188 except the green ones 28189 -- e e cummings 28190% 28191James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his 28192West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, 28193"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general." 28194% 28195Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back 28196east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible 28197Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium 28198because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard, 28199by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social 28200grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on 28201television?" and "Good night". 28202 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho 28203 Letters, 1967 28204% 28205Japan, n: 28206 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists 28207 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It 28208 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are 28209 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from 28210 which they are harvested by the happy natives. 28211% 28212Jealousy is all the fun you think they have. 28213% 28214Jenkinson's Law: 28215 It won't work. 28216% 28217Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account. 28218You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up! 28219% 28220Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay 28221you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back! 28222% 28223Jim Nasium's Law: 28224 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people 28225 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to 28226 each other so that everybody is cramped. 28227% 28228Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and 28229I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two 28230days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem! 28231% 28232Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel 28233Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it 28234to you. You gonna pay it? 28235% 28236JOB INTERVIEW: 28237 The excruciating process during which personnel officers 28238 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff. 28239% 28240job Placement, n: 28241 Telling your boss what he can do with your job. 28242% 28243Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee. 28244 -- Snoopy 28245% 28246Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside. 28247Her voice was little more than a whisper. 28248 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make 28249before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe... 28250I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who 28251forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported 28252your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..." 28253 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought," 28254whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you." 28255% 28256Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! 28257% 28258jogger, n: 28259 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain. 28260% 28261John Dame May Oscar 28262Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde 28263But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton 28264Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder 28265 -- Willard Espy 28266% 28267John Birch Society: 28268 That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy. 28269 -- Edward P. Morgan 28270% 28271JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!! 28272 28273(George and Ringo miffed.) 28274% 28275John the Baptist after poisoning a thief, 28276Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief, 28277Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief 28278Is there a hole for me to get sick in? 28279The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly, 28280Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry. 28281And dropping a barbell he points to the sky, 28282Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken. 28283 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues" 28284% 28285Johnny Carson's Definition: 28286 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs 28287 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the 28288 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn. 28289% 28290Johnson's First Law: 28291 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the 28292 most inconvenient possible time. 28293% 28294Johnson's law: 28295 Systems resemble the organizations that create them. 28296% 28297Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". 28298Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses. 28299% 28300Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, 28301exciting people, and kill them. 28302% 28303Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands, 28304meet exciting interesting people, and kill them. 28305% 28306Jones' First Law: 28307 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of 28308 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an 28309 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the 28310 importance of their original contribution. 28311% 28312Jones' Second Law: 28313 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone 28314 to blame it on. 28315% 28316Joshu: What is the true Way? 28317Nansen: Every way is the true Way. 28318J: Can I study it? 28319N: The more you study, the further from the Way. 28320J: If I don't study it, how can I know it? 28321N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen. 28322 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do 28323 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open 28324 yourself as wide as the sky. 28325% 28326Journalism is literature in a hurry. 28327 -- Matthew Arnold 28328% 28329Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it. 28330% 28331Juall's Law on Nice Guys: 28332 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish. 28333 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start! 28334% 28335Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that 28336reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away 28337someone else's cash. 28338 -- P.G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier" 28339% 28340Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake. 28341Pick one. 28342 283431: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake. 283442: It's cheaper than going to France. 283453: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday. 283464: Life is short. 283475: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone. 283486: It matches my eyes. 283497: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me. 283508: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday. 283519: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating. 2835210: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it. 2835311: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff. 2835412: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli. 28355% 28356Just a song before I go, Going through security 28357To whom it may concern, I held her for so long. 28358Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love, 28359It's easy to get burned. And she was gone. 28360When the shows were over Just a song before I go, 28361We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned. 28362And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound 28363I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned. 28364She helped me with my suitcase, 28365She stands before my eyes, 28366Driving me to the airport 28367And to the friendly skies. 28368 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go" 28369% 28370Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot 28371remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about 28372women. 28373 -- G.B. Shaw 28374% 28375Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions 28376seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be 28377totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason 28378there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all 28379the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is 28380not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep 28381sense of respect for the whole truth. 28382 -- Stephen R. Schwambach 28383% 28384Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. 28385 -- Irene Peter 28386% 28387Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work. 28388% 28389Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't 28390going to get hit. 28391 -- Joey 28392% 28393Just because the message may never be 28394received does not mean it is not worth sending. 28395% 28396Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they 28397are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see 28398what I mean. 28399 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture. 28400% 28401Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything. 28402 -- Bob Dylan 28403% 28404Just because your doctor has a name for your 28405condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. 28406% 28407Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. 28408% 28409Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, 28410and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.' 28411 -- Glynda 28412% 28413Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours. 28414% 28415Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody 28416who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth 28417about his or her love affairs. 28418 -- Rebecca West 28419% 28420Just machines to make big decisions, 28421Programmed by men for compassion and vision, 28422We'll be clean when their work is done, 28423We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young, 28424What a beautiful world this will be, 28425What a glorious time to be free. 28426 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World" 28427% 28428Just once, I wish we would encounter 28429an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets. 28430 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" 28431% 28432Just remember, wherever you go, there you are. 28433 -- Buckeroo Banzai 28434% 28435`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, 28436 As he landed his crew with care; 28437Supporting each man on the top of the tide 28438 By a finger entwined in his hair. 28439 28440`Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: 28441 That alone should encourage the crew. 28442Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: 28443 What I tell you three times is true.' 28444% 28445Just to have it is enough. 28446% 28447Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt 28448of all the others, and then do what's best. 28449 -- Lovers and Other Strangers 28450% 28451Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?" 28452% 28453Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone, 28454Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you, 28455I went out this morning and I wrote down this song, 28456Just can't remember who to send it to... 28457 28458Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain, 28459I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end, 28460I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, 28461But I always thought that I'd see you again. 28462Thought I'd see you one more time again. 28463 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain" 28464% 28465JUSTICE: 28466 A decision in your favor. 28467% 28468Justice is incidental to law and order. 28469 -- J. Edgar Hoover 28470% 28471Justice, n: 28472 A decision in your favor. 28473% 28474Kafka's Law: 28475 In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 28476 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days" 28477% 28478Kamikazes do it once. 28479% 28480KANSAS: 28481 Where the men are men and so are the women! 28482% 28483Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages: 28484 28485For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING 28486package of snack food. 28487 28488Gibson the Cat's Corrolary: 28489 28490For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package 28491of lunch meat. 28492% 28493Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child? 28494Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present 28495 at the conception. 28496 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane" 28497% 28498Katz' Law: 28499 Men and nations will act rationally when 28500 all other possibilities have been exhausted. 28501 28502History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have 28503exhausted all other alternatives. 28504 -- Abba Eban 28505% 28506Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics: 28507 Population density is inversely proportional 28508 to the square of the distance from the keg. 28509% 28510Kaufman's Law: 28511 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence 28512 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned. 28513% 28514Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you. 28515 -- Mae West 28516% 28517Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. 28518% 28519Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she 28520With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor, 28521Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, 28522The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. 28523Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me... 28524 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus" 28525% 28526Keep cool, but don't freeze. 28527 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise 28528% 28529Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. 28530% 28531Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. 28532% 28533Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: 28534 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc 28535 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this 28536 force is technically termed "car suck"). 28537 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive 28538 than "Watch this!" 28539 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly 28540 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a 28541 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or 28542 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy. 28543 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the 28544 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the 28545 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you 28546 in the head and knock you silly. 28547% 28548Keep it short for pithy sake. 28549% 28550Keep on keepin' on. 28551% 28552Keep patting your enemy on the back until a 28553small bullet hole appears between your fingers. 28554 -- Joe Bonanno 28555% 28556Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum. 28557 -- D. Gries 28558% 28559Keep the phase, baby. 28560% 28561Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help. 28562% 28563Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way 28564you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you 28565at the end of six months. 28566 -- Moore 28567% 28568Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. 28569% 28570Keep your Eye on the Ball, 28571Your Shoulder to the Wheel, 28572Your Nose to the Grindstone, 28573Your Feet on the Ground, 28574Your Head on your Shoulders. 28575Now... try to get something DONE! 28576% 28577Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. 28578 -- Benjamin Franklin 28579% 28580Keep your laws off my body! 28581% 28582Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; 28583Open it and you remove all doubt. 28584% 28585Kennedy's Market Theorem: 28586 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit, 28587 you've got to go broke. 28588% 28589Kent's Heuristic: 28590 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it. 28591% 28592kern, v: 28593 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear 28594 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small, 28595 metal object used as part of the monetary system. 28596% 28597KERNEL: 28598 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval 28599 traditions of sorcery and black art. 28600% 28601Kettering's Observation: 28602 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. 28603% 28604Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on. 28605% 28606Kids have *never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel 28607back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree, 28608you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting 28609around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like 28610dad primate. Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch 28611and slam the leaves. 28612 -- Dave Barry 28613% 28614Kill a commy for your mommy. 28615% 28616Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out. 28617% 28618Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali! 28619 -- Hindu saying 28620% 28621Kill Kill, 28622Hate Hate, 28623Murder, Maim, and Mutilate! 28624% 28625Kill your parents. 28626 -- Jerry Rubin 28627% 28628Killing turkeys causes winter. 28629% 28630Kilroe hic erat! 28631% 28632Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness: 28633 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks. 28634% 28635KIN: 28636 An affliction of the blood. 28637% 28638Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read. 28639 -- Mark Twain 28640% 28641Kindness is the beginning of cruelty. 28642 -- Muad'dib 28643% 28644Kington's Law of Perforation: 28645 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such 28646 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest 28647 part of the paper. 28648% 28649Kinkler's First Law: 28650 Responsibility always exceeds authority. 28651 28652Kinkler's Second Law: 28653 All the easy problems have been solved. 28654% 28655Kirk to Enterprise... 28656% 28657Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack. 28658% 28659Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference. 28660% 28661Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday. 28662 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 28663% 28664Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. 28665% 28666Kiss your keyboard goodbye! 28667% 28668Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle. 28669% 28670Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. 28671% 28672Kissing don't last, cookery do. 28673 -- George Meredith 28674% 28675Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and 28676sapphire bracelet lasts for ever. 28677 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" 28678% 28679Kitchen activity is highlighted. 28680Butter up a friend. 28681% 28682Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it. 28683 -- Winston Churchill 28684% 28685Klatu barada nikto. 28686% 28687Kleeneness is next to Godelness. 28688% 28689Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. 28690% 28691KLEPTOMANIAC: 28692 A rich thief. 28693% 28694Kliban's First Law of Dining: 28695 Never eat anything bigger than your head. 28696% 28697Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!! 28698100% Damage to life support!!!! 28699% 28700Kludge, n: 28701 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a 28702 distressing whole. 28703 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation" 28704% 28705Knebel's Law: 28706 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading 28707 causes of statistics. 28708% 28709Knights are hardly worth it. 28710I mean, all that shell and so little meat... 28711% 28712Knock, knock! 28713 Who's there? 28714Sam and Janet. 28715 Sam and Janet who? 28716Sam and Janet Evening... 28717% 28718Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea! 28719[chorus] 28720 Yeay! 28721 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side, 28722 Stay on the Happy side of life! 28723 Bum bum bum bum bum bum 28724 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane, 28725 So Stay on the Happy Side of life! 28726 28727Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?) 28728 An another eather bunny... [chorus] 28729Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?) 28730 Still another ether bunny... [chorus] 28731Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?) 28732 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus] 28733Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?) 28734 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus] 28735Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?) 28736 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus] 28737% 28738Knocked, you weren't in. 28739 -- Opportunity 28740% 28741Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers? 28742 28743-- No? 28744 28745GOOD! 28746% 28747Know Thy User. 28748% 28749Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. 28750% 28751Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. 28752 -- Henry N. Camp 28753% 28754KNOWLEDGE: 28755 Things you believe. 28756% 28757Knowledge is power. 28758 -- Francis Bacon 28759% 28760Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost. 28761 -- Aleister Crowley 28762% 28763Knowledge without common sense is folly. 28764% 28765Knucklehead: "Knock, knock" 28766Pee Wee: "Who's there?" 28767Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady." 28768Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?" 28769Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel" 28770% 28771Kramer's Law: 28772 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. 28773% 28774Kramer's Law: 28775You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 28776% 28777KROGT: 28778 (chemical symbol: Kr) The metallic silver coating found 28779 on fast-food game cards. 28780 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 28781% 28782LA: 28783 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed 28784 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation. 28785 From mud slides to brush fires. 28786% 28787Labor, n: 28788 One of the processes whereby A acquires property for B. 28789 -- Ambrose Bierce 28790% 28791Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest. 28792% 28793Lack of money is the root of all evil. 28794 -- George Bernard Shaw 28795% 28796Lackland's Laws: 28797 1. Never be first. 28798 2. Never be last. 28799 3. Never volunteer for anything. 28800% 28801LACTOMANGULATION: 28802 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that 28803 one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. 28804 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 28805% 28806La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah. 28807% 28808Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps, 28809Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants, 28810I come before you to stand behind you 28811To tell you of something I know nothing about. 28812Next Thursday (which is good Friday), 28813There will be a convention held in the 28814Women's Club which is strictly for Men. 28815Admission is free, pay at the door, 28816Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor. 28817It was a summer's day in winter, 28818And the snow was raining fast, 28819As a barefoot boy with shoes on, 28820Stood sitting in the grass. 28821Oh, that bright day in the dead of night, 28822Two dead men got up to fight. 28823Three blind men to see fair play, 28824Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"! 28825Back to back, they faced each other, 28826Drew their swords and shot each other. 28827A deaf policeman heard the noise, 28828Came and arrested those two dead boys. 28829% 28830Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big 28831boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's 28832the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or 28833under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan 28834to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with 28835her. 28836 -- Billie Jean King 28837% 28838Lady, lady, should you meet 28839One whose ways are all discreet, 28840One who murmurs that his wife 28841Is the lodestar of his life, 28842One who keeps assuring you 28843That he never was untrue, 28844Never loved another one... 28845Lady, lady, better run! 28846 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note" 28847% 28848Lady Luck brings added income today. 28849Lady friend takes it away tonight. 28850% 28851Lady Nancy Astor: 28852 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." 28853Winston Churchill: 28854 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it." 28855 28856Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what 28857disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come 28858sober, Mr. Prime Minister?" 28859 28860 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet 28861luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second 28862helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" 28863 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for 28864white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. 28865 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from 28866her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if 28867you would pin this on your white meat." 28868% 28869Ladybug, ladybug, 28870Look to your stern! 28871Your house is on fire, 28872Your children will burn! 28873So jump ye and sing, for 28874The very first time 28875The four lines above 28876Have been put into rhyme. 28877 -- Walt Kelly 28878% 28879Laetrile is the pits. 28880% 28881Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if 28882each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves. 28883% 28884Lake Erie died for your sins. 28885% 28886((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz)) 28887% 28888Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his 28889duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee 28890table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new 28891manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some 28892of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the 28893candy, and said: 28894 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?" 28895% 28896Language is a virus from another planet. 28897 -- William Burroughs 28898% 28899Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record. 28900Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date? 28901Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by 28902 20,000 women. 28903 -- Lank and Earl 28904% 28905Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the 28906[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure, 28907honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that 28908he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee. 28909 -- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross 28910% 28911Large increases in cost with questionable increases in 28912performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women. 28913 -- Lord Kalvin 28914% 28915Largest Number of Driving Test Failures 28916 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine 28917times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and 28918twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while 28919driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield, 28920Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August 289211970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was 28922reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns. 28923 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 28924% 28925Larkinson's Law: 28926 All laws are basically false. 28927% 28928LASER: 28929 Failed death ray. 28930% 28931Last guys don't finish nice. 28932 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs 28933% 28934Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up 28935the pillow was gone. 28936 -- Tommy Cooper 28937% 28938Last night I met upon the stair 28939A little man who wasn't there. 28940He wasn't there again today. 28941Gee how I wish he'd go away! 28942% 28943Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash.... 28944The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. 28945 -- Stephen Wright 28946% 28947Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. 28948I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor. 28949% 28950Last week's pet, this week's special. 28951% 28952Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... 28953every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. 28954I don't remember what it was. 28955 -- Stephen Wright 28956% 28957Latin is a language, 28958As dead as can be. 28959First it killed the Romans, 28960And now it's killing me. 28961% 28962Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either. 28963% 28964Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. 28965% 28966Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot. 28967% 28968Laugh at your problems: everybody else does. 28969% 28970Laugh when you can; cry when you must. 28971% 28972Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird. 28973% 28974Laughter is the closest distance between two people. 28975 -- Victor Borge 28976% 28977Laura's Law: 28978 No child throws up in the bathroom. 28979% 28980Lavish spending can be disastrous. 28981Don't buy any lavishes for a while. 28982% 28983Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum 28984force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise. 28985 -- Richard M. Nixon 28986% 28987Law of Communications: 28988 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications 28989 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased 28990 area of misunderstanding. 28991% 28992Law of Continuity: 28993 Experiments should be reproducible. 28994 They should all fail the same way. 28995% 28996Law of Probable Dispersal: 28997 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 28998% 28999Law of Procrastination: 29000 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has 29001 the feeling that there is nothing important to do. 29002% 29003Law of Selective Gravity: 29004 An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 29005 29006Jenning's Corollary: 29007 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side 29008 down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 29009 29010Law of the Perversity of Nature: 29011 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. 29012% 29013Law of the Jungle: 29014 He who hesitates is lunch. 29015% 29016Law of the Yukon: 29017 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery. 29018% 29019Law stands mute in the midst of arms. 29020 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 29021% 29022Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws! 29023% 29024Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk. 29025% 29026Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made. 29027 -- Otto von Bismarck 29028% 29029Laws of Computer Programming: 29030 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 29031 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer. 29032 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 29033 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 29034 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 29035 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output. 29036 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of 29037 the programmer who must maintain it. 29038% 29039LAWSUIT: 29040 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. 29041 -- Ambrose Bierce 29042% 29043Lawyer's Rule: 29044 When the law is against you, argue the facts. 29045 When the facts are against you, argue the law. 29046 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names. 29047% 29048Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar. 29049 -- S.J. Perelman 29050% 29051Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!". 29052 -- Shakespeare 29053% 29054Lays eggs inside a paper bag; 29055The reason, you will see, no doubt, 29056Is to keep the lightning out. 29057But what these unobservant birds 29058Have failed to notice is that herds 29059Of bears may come with buns 29060And steal the bags to hold the crumbs. 29061% 29062Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: 29063 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- 29064 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 29065% 29066LAZY: 29067 Marrying a pregnant woman. 29068% 29069Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what 29070is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and 29071smaller -- and there are many more of them. 29072 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends" 29073% 29074Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own. 29075% 29076Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you. 29077% 29078Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. 29079% 29080Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose. 29081% 29082LEARNING CURVE: 29083 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants 29084 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the 29085 quicker you can do it. 29086% 29087Learning without thought is labor lost; 29088thought without learning is perilous. 29089 -- Confucius 29090% 29091Leave no stone unturned. 29092 -- Euripides 29093% 29094Lee's Law: 29095 Mother said there would be days like this, 29096 but she never said that there'd be so many! 29097% 29098Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 29099% 29100Leibowitz's Rule: 29101 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your 29102 finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. 29103% 29104Lemma: All horses are the same color. 29105Proof (by induction): 29106 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all 29107 horses in that set are the same color. 29108 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these 29109 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all 29110 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you 29111 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k 29112 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses 29113 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all 29114 horses are the same color. 29115Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs. 29116Proof (by intimidation): 29117 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It 29118 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in 29119 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a 29120 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is 29121 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs. 29122 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an 29123 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different 29124 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist. 29125% 29126Lemmings don't grow older, they just die. 29127% 29128Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. 29129% 29130Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast. 29131% 29132LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22) 29133 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today. 29134 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on 29135 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol. 29136% 29137LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 29138 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. 29139 Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest 29140 criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. 29141% 29142LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 29143 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your 29144 ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got 29145 a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can 29146 laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor. 29147% 29148Lesbian QOTD: 29149I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation. 29150% 29151Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. 29152 -- Publilius Syrus 29153% 29154Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. 29155% 29156Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish. 29157 -- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus" 29158% 29159Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a 29160number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and 29161another number. 29162 -- James Estes 29163% 29164Let me not to the marriage of true minds 29165Admit impediments. Love is not love 29166Which alters when it alteration finds, 29167Or bends with the remover to remove: 29168O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark, 29169That looks on tempests and is never shaken; 29170It is the star to every wandering bark, 29171Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. 29172Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 29173Within his bending sickle's compass come; 29174Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 29175But bears it out even to the edge of doom. 29176If this be error and upon me proved, 29177I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 29178% 29179Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. 29180% 29181Let me take you a button-hole lower. 29182 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 29183% 29184Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have 29185George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing 29186wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval 29187of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing 29188praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) 29189Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George 29190in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute 29191for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped 29192around his neck. 29193 -- Dave Barry 29194% 29195Let no guilty man escape. 29196 -- U.S. Grant 29197% 29198Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. 29199% 29200Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these. 29201 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18) 29202% 29203Let sleeping dogs lie. 29204 -- Charles Dickens 29205% 29206Let the machine do the dirty work. 29207 -- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie 29208% 29209Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them. 29210 -- James Thurber 29211% 29212Let the people think they govern and they will be governed. 29213 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania 29214% 29215Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way 29216they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief. 29217 -- Capone 29218% 29219Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely. 29220 -- Benjamin Franklin 29221% 29222Let us go then you and I 29223while the night is laid out against the sky 29224like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie. 29225 29226"Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?" 29227 -- Ezra 29228% 29229Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, 29230The muttering retreats 29231Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels 29232And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells: 29233Streets that follow like a tedious argument 29234Of insidious intent 29235To lead you to an overwhelming question... 29236Oh, do not ask, "What is it?" 29237 -- T.S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock" 29238% 29239Let us live!!! 29240Let us love!!! 29241Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! 29242 29243You first. 29244% 29245Let us never negotiate out of fear, 29246but let us never fear to negotiate. 29247 -- John F. Kennedy 29248% 29249Let us not look back in anger or forward 29250in fear, but around us in awareness. 29251 -- James Thurber 29252% 29253Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order. 29254% 29255Let us treat men and women well; 29256Treat them as if they were real; 29257Perhaps they are. 29258 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 29259% 29260Let your conscience be your guide. 29261 -- Pope 29262% 29263L'etat c'est moi. 29264[The state, that's me.] 29265 -- Louis XIV 29266% 29267Let's do it. 29268 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad 29269% 29270Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again. 29271% 29272Let's just be friends and make no special 29273effort to ever see each other again. 29274% 29275Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every 29276relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you 29277really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end. 29278For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities 29279I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy ... 29280Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back. 29281 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn 29282% 29283Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every 29284relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you 29285really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end. 29286For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities 29287I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy... 29288Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back." 29289 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn 29290% 29291Let's love each other slowly, 29292reaching for a plane, 29293of exquisite pleasure, 29294and delicate pain. 29295 -- Adam Beslove 29296% 29297Let's not complicate our relationship 29298by trying to communicate with each other. 29299% 29300Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it. 29301% 29302Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche. 29303 -- Austen Briggs 29304% 29305Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your 29306hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental 29307Anguish. You would sue: 29308 29309* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions 29310 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand 29311 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls 29312 in there". 29313 29314* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious 29315 cretin like yourself. 29316 29317* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this 29318 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you 29319 a large cash settlement anyway. 29320 -- Dave Barry 29321% 29322LEVERAGE: 29323 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks 29324 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out. 29325% 29326Leveraging always beats prototyping. 29327% 29328Lewis's Law of Travel: 29329 The first piece of luggage out of the 29330 chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. 29331% 29332L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare. 29333 -- L. Pasteur 29334% 29335LIAR: 29336 A lawyer with a roving commission. 29337% 29338Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth. 29339 -- Oliver Herford 29340% 29341LIBERAL: 29342 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist. 29343% 29344Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into 29345trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you. 29346 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo 29347% 29348Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. 29349 -- The Best of Will Rogers 29350% 29351LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) 29352 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire 29353 for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone 29354 is watching you, so stop staring like that. 29355% 29356LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23) 29357 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way 29358 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but 29359 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out 29360 of bed today. 29361% 29362LIE: 29363 A very poor substitute for the truth, 29364 but the only one discovered to date. 29365% 29366Lieberman's Law: 29367 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 29368% 29369Lieberman's Law: 29370Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens. 29371% 29372Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys! 29373 -- Ma Barker 29374% 29375LIFE: 29376 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. 29377% 29378LIFE: 29379 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one. 29380% 29381LIFE: 29382 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity. 29383% 29384Life -- Love It or Leave It. 29385% 29386Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward. 29387 -- Miss November, 1966 29388% 29389Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. 29390 -- Paul Gauguin 29391% 29392Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow. 29393% 29394Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth. 29395It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies. 29396% 29397Life exists for no known purpose. 29398% 29399Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society 29400being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible 29401thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money 29402system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex. 29403 -- Valerie Solanas 29404% 29405Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding 29406environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a 29407round container filled with little red fruits on sticks. 29408% 29409Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way 29410out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. 29411 -- Woody Allen 29412% 29413Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it. 29414 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" 29415% 29416Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more 29417important than something else. If what already is, is more important 29418than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what 29419isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll. 29420 -- Werner Erhard 29421% 29422Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed. 29423% 29424Life is a glorious cycle of song, 29425A medley of extemporania; 29426And love is thing that can never go wrong; 29427And I am Marie of Roumania. 29428 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment" 29429% 29430Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing. 29431 -- Helen Keller 29432% 29433Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed. 29434% 29435Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to 29436change his bed. 29437 -- Charles Baudelaire 29438% 29439Life is a series of rude awakenings. 29440 -- R.V. Winkle 29441% 29442Life is a serious burden, which no thinking, 29443humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else. 29444 -- Clarence Darrow 29445% 29446Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality. 29447% 29448Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. 29449% 29450Life is an exciting business, and most 29451exciting when it is lived for others. 29452% 29453Life is both difficult and time consuming. 29454% 29455Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you. 29456% 29457Life is difficult because it is non-linear. 29458% 29459Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. 29460 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" 29461% 29462Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut. 29463% 29464Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits? 29465% 29466Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line. 29467% 29468Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. 29469 -- C. Schultz 29470% 29471"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it." 29472% 29473Life is like a diaper - short and loaded. 29474% 29475Life is like a sewer. 29476What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. 29477 -- Tom Lehrer 29478% 29479Life is like a tin of sardines. 29480We're, all of us, looking for the key. 29481 -- Beyond the Fringe 29482% 29483Life is like an egg stain on your chin -- 29484you can lick it, but it still won't go away. 29485% 29486Life is like an onion: you peel it off 29487one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. 29488 -- Carl Sandburg 29489% 29490Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after 29491layer and then you find there is nothing in it. 29492 -- James Huneker 29493% 29494Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was 29495going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then 29496being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends. 29497% 29498Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're 29499the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same. 29500% 29501Life is not for everyone. 29502% 29503Life is one long struggle in the dark. 29504 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 29505% 29506Life is the childhood of our immortality. 29507 -- Goethe 29508% 29509Life is the living you do, 29510Death is the living you don't do. 29511 -- Joseph Pintauro 29512% 29513Life is the urge to ecstasy. 29514% 29515Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. 29516% 29517Life is too short to be taken seriously. 29518 -- O. Wilde 29519% 29520Life is too short to stuff a mushroom. 29521 -- Storm Jameson 29522% 29523Life is wasted on the living. 29524 -- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe. 29525% 29526Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. 29527 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy" 29528% 29529Life, like beer, is merely borrowed. 29530 -- Don Reed 29531% 29532Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, 29533it may have a meaning of which you disapprove. 29534% 29535Life only demands from you the strength you possess. 29536Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away. 29537 -- Dag Hammarskjold 29538% 29539Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but 29540certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and 29541I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can 29542afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have 29543absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more 29544embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible). 29545% 29546Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all. 29547 -- Thomas J. Kopp 29548% 29549Life without caffeine is stimulating enough. 29550 -- Sanka Ad 29551% 29552Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. 29553 -- Dave Olson 29554% 29555Life would be tolerable but for its amusements. 29556 -- G.B. Shaw 29557% 29558Life's too short to dance with ugly women. 29559% 29560Lift every voice and sing 29561Till earth and heaven ring, 29562Ring with the harmonies of Liberty; 29563Let our rejoicing rise 29564High as the listening skies, 29565Let it resound loud as the rolling sea. 29566 29567Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us. 29568Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us. 29569Facing the rising sun of our new day begun, 29570Let us march on till victory is won. 29571 -- James Weldon Johnson 29572% 29573Lighten up, while you still can, 29574Don't even try to understand, 29575Just find a place to make your stand, 29576And take it easy. 29577 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy" 29578% 29579LIGHTHOUSE: 29580 A tall building on the seashore in which the government 29581 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. 29582% 29583LIKE: 29584 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence. 29585% 29586Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate 29587the difference between one young woman and another. 29588 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara" 29589% 29590Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, 29591shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm 29592as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like 29593bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; 29594she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a 29595man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the 29596right road: a man like Alf Romeo. 29597 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner 29598 29599The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never 29600see her little dog Pritzi again. 29601 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up 29602 29603It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a 29604tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it 29605was determined that Byron was simply a jerk. 29606 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up 29607 29608Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is 29609named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy 29610night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the 29611worst possible novel. 29612% 29613Like corn in a field I cut you down, 29614I threw the last punch way too hard, 29615After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time, 29616To throw in my hand for a new set of cards. 29617And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend, 29618I figured we'd painted too much of this town, 29619And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon, 29620And I knew then I had lost what should have been found, 29621I knew then I had lost what should have been found. 29622 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford 29623 I'm as low as a paid assassin is 29624 You know I'm cold as a hired sword. 29625 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up, 29626 You know I can't think straight no more 29627 You make me feel like a bullet, honey, 29628 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford. 29629 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet" 29630% 29631Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille 29632weren't so damned great! 29633 -- Armistead Maupin 29634% 29635Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, 29636if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not 29637now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe 29638like the Rolling Stones? 29639 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote 29640 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.) 29641% 29642Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. 29643It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches 29644over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow 29645His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the 29646other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their 29647religions. 29648 -- Benjamin Spock 29649% 29650Like punning, programming is a play on words. 29651% 29652Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct 29653a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. 29654 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 29655% 29656Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking 29657for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. 29658 -- Alan McKay 29659% 29660Like the time I ran away... 29661And turned around and you were standing close to me. 29662 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken" 29663% 29664Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. 29665% 29666Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the 29667creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their 29668essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving 29669the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting 29670rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun. 29671 -- Senior Year Quote 29672% 29673Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's 29674place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few: 29675 29676 Q -- Is there life after death? 29677 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New 29678Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", 29679then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was 29680fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have 29681spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful 29682headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back 29683to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I 29684guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long 29685as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods. 29686 -- Dave Barry 29687% 29688Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, 29689wins few friends, Germans excepted. 29690 -- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day" 29691% 29692Limericks are art forms complex, 29693Their topics run chiefly to sex. 29694 They usually have virgins, 29695 And masculine urgin's, 29696And other erotic effects. 29697% 29698"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!" 29699Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged. 29700 29701Until he died, and so reached that vicinity: 29702in it he found that the damned things diverged. 29703 -- Piet Hein 29704% 29705Linus: Hi! I thought it was you. 29706 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great! 29707Snoopy: That's nice to know. 29708 The secret of life is to look good at a distance. 29709% 29710Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. 29711 Maybe we should think only about today. 29712Charlie Brown: 29713 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday 29714 will get better. 29715% 29716Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe 29717 we should think only about today. 29718Charlie Brown: 29719 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get 29720 better. 29721% 29722Linus' Law: 29723 There is no heavier burden than a great potential. 29724% 29725Lions in the street and roaming, 29726Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming, 29727A beast caged in the heart of the city. 29728The body of his mother lying in the summer ground, 29729He fled the town. 29730Went down south across the border, 29731Left the chaos and disorder 29732Back there, over his shoulder. 29733One morning he awoke in a green hotel, 29734A strange creature groaning beside him. 29735Sweat oozed from its shiny skin. 29736Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin. 29737 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard" 29738% 29739LISP: 29740 To call a spade a thpade. 29741% 29742Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, 29743Lisp Machine is Fun. 29744Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, 29745Fun for everyone. 29746% 29747Lisp Users: 29748Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection. 29749% 29750Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out 29751the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing, 29752but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the 29753right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem. 29754But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of 29755bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President. 29756This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects 29757their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing 29758that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously 29759just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even 29760a panacea so alleged. 29761 -- D.D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government 29762 been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to 29763 the recession?" 29764% 29765Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. 29766Life is the other way around. 29767 -- David Lodge 29768% 29769Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life 29770is the other way round. 29771 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down" 29772% 29773Littering is dumb. 29774 -- Ronald Macdonald 29775% 29776Little Fly, 29777Thy summer's play If thought is life 29778My thoughtless hand And strength & breath, 29779Has brush'd away. And the want 29780 Of thought is death, 29781Am not I 29782A fly like thee? Then am I 29783Or art not thou A happy fly 29784A man like me? If I live 29785 Or if I die. 29786 29787For I dance 29788And drink & sing, 29789Till some blind hand 29790Shall brush my wing. 29791 -- William Blake, "The Fly" 29792% 29793Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. 29794 -- Lazarus Long 29795% 29796Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very 29797sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkein Ring... 29798% 29799Little Known Facts, #23: 29800 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get 29801 the BMW repair garage? 29802% 29803Little Mary on the ice, 29804Went out to have a frisk, 29805Now wasn't little Mary nice, 29806Her pretty *? 29807% 29808Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway! 29809 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature") 29810% 29811Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. 29812 -- James Dean 29813% 29814Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night! 29815% 29816Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors. 29817% 29818Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is 29819published around the world -- even if what is published is not true. 29820 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 29821% 29822Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. 29823 -- Josh Billings 29824% 29825Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when 29826you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee. 29827 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial 29828% 29829Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola. 29830What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits. 29831% 29832Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. 29833What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes. 29834% 29835Living in New York City gives people real incentives 29836to want things that nobody else wants. 29837 -- Andy Warhol 29838% 29839Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat 29840like having bees live in your head. But, there they are. 29841% 29842Living on Earth may be expensive, but it 29843includes an annual free trip around the Sun. 29844% 29845LIVING YOUR LIFE: 29846 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. 29847% 29848Lizzie Borden took an axe, 29849And plunged it deep into the VAX; 29850Don't you envy people who 29851Do all the things YOU want to do? 29852% 29853Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools. 29854 -- Henry David Thoreau 29855% 29856Lobster: 29857 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are 29858squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only 29859proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your 29860guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked. 29861The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea 29862floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the lobster 29863behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, 29864"Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a 29865scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural 29866apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may 29867even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into 29868the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will 29869be, too. 29870 -- Dave Barry 29871% 29872Lobster: 29873 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish 29874 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper 29875 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your 29876 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're 29877 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on 29878 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the 29879 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty 29880 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then 29881 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will 29882 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will 29883 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. 29884 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly 29885 you and your friends will be, too. 29886 -- Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances and Utensils 29887 into Excuses and Apologies 29888% 29889Lockwood's Long Shot: 29890 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street 29891 aren't one in a million, but once would be enough. 29892% 29893Logic doesn't apply to the real world. 29894 -- Marvin Minsky 29895% 29896Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL. 29897% 29898Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad. 29899% 29900Logic is a systematic method of coming 29901to the wrong conclusion with confidence. 29902% 29903Logic is the chastity belt of the mind! 29904% 29905Logicians have but ill defined 29906As rational the human kind. 29907Logic, they say, belongs to man, 29908But let them prove it if they can. 29909 -- Oliver Goldsmith 29910% 29911LOGO for the Dead 29912 29913LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from 29914"The Other Side." 29915 29916The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you 29917turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's 29918graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this 29919side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that 29920your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then 29921interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program 29922lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic 29923Bulletin Board System). 29924 29925LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate 29926from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101. 29927 -- '80 Microcomputing 29928% 29929Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence. 29930% 29931Lonely is a man without love. 29932 -- Englebert Humperdinck 29933% 29934Lonely men seek companionship. 29935Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet. 29936% 29937Lonesome? 29938 29939Like a change? 29940Like a new job? 29941Like excitement? 29942Like to meet new and interesting people? 29943 29944JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!! 29945% 29946Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency 29947be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum. 29948The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young. 29949 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 29950% 29951Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught. 29952% 29953Long life is in store for you. 29954% 29955Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and 29956long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his 29957pain and his aloneness without regret? 29958 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet" 29959% 29960Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past. 29961% 29962Look afar and see the end from the beginning. 29963% 29964Look at it this way: 29965Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought 29966home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham. 29967And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 29968% 29969Look at it this way: 29970Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to 29971forget $26,000 of college education. 29972And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 29973% 29974Look before you leap. 29975 -- Samuel Butler 29976% 29977Look ere ye leap. 29978 -- John Heywood 29979% 29980Look out! Behind you! 29981% 29982Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, 29983con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this 29984country was built. 29985 -- Hubert Allen 29986% 29987Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie... 29988 -- Stephen Sondheim 29989% 29990Loose bits sink chips. 29991% 29992Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. 29993 -- Charles D'Hericault 29994% 29995Lord, what fools these mortals be! 29996 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream" 29997% 29998Losing your drivers' license is just 29999God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!" 30000% 30001Lost: gray and white female cat. 30002Answers to electric can opener. 30003% 30004Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't. 30005% 30006Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. 30007 -- Frank Hubbard 30008% 30009Lots of girls can be had for a song. 30010Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march. 30011% 30012Louie Louie, me gotta go 30013Louie Louie, me gotta go 30014 30015Fine little girl she waits for me 30016Me catch the ship for cross the sea 30017Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea 30018Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly 30019(chorus) On the ship I dream she there 30020 I smell the rose in her hair 30021Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo) 30022It won't be long, me see my love 30023I take her in my arms and then 30024Me tell her I never leave again 30025 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie" 30026% 30027Louie, Louie, me gotta go 30028Louie, Louie, me gotta go 30029 30030Fine little girl she waits for me 30031Me catch the ship for cross the sea 30032Me sail the ship all alone 30033Me never thinks me make it home 30034 [chorus] 30035 30036Three nights and days me sail the sea 30037Me think of girl constantly 30038On the ship I dream she there 30039I smell the rose in her hair 30040 [chorus; guitar solo] 30041 30042Me see Jamaica moon above 30043It won't be long, me see my love 30044I take her in my arms and then 30045Me tell her I never leave again 30046 -- the real words to "Louie Louie" 30047% 30048LOVE: 30049 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours. 30050% 30051LOVE: 30052 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope. 30053% 30054LOVE: 30055 When, if asked to choose between your lover 30056 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat. 30057% 30058LOVE: 30059 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears. 30060% 30061LOVE: 30062 When you don't want someone too close-- 30063 because you're very sensitive to pleasure. 30064% 30065LOVE: 30066 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning. 30067% 30068Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood. 30069% 30070Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled. 30071% 30072Love America - or give it back. 30073% 30074Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. 30075% 30076Love at first sight is one of the greatest 30077labor-saving devices the world has ever seen. 30078% 30079Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. 30080 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 30081% 30082Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay. 30083Love isn't love 'til you give it away. 30084 -- Oscar Hammerstein II 30085% 30086Love is a grave mental disease. 30087 -- Plato 30088% 30089Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell. 30090 -- Matt Groening 30091% 30092Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips 30093over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come. 30094 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell" 30095% 30096Love is a word that is constantly heard, 30097Hate is a word that is not. 30098Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. 30099Love, I have read, is hot. 30100But hate is the verb that to me is superb, 30101And Love but a drug on the mart. 30102Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, 30103But Hating, my boy, is an Art. 30104 -- Ogden Nash 30105% 30106Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and 30107go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your 30108arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself. 30109% 30110Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real 30111with the ideal never goes unpunished. 30112 -- Goethe 30113% 30114Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the 30115real with the ideal never goes unpunished. 30116 -- Goethe 30117% 30118Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. 30119 -- Dr. Karl Bowman 30120% 30121Love is being stupid together. 30122 -- Paul Valery 30123% 30124Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed 30125around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a 30126Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself. 30127% 30128Love is in the offing. 30129 -- The Homicidal Maniac 30130% 30131Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you. 30132% 30133Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very 30134pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love 30135grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning 30136and unquenchable. 30137 -- Bruce Lee 30138% 30139Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. 30140 -- Jerome K. Jerome 30141% 30142Love is never asking why? 30143% 30144Love is not enough, but it sure helps. 30145% 30146Love is sentimental measles. 30147% 30148Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult. 30149% 30150Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex 30151raises some pretty good questions. 30152 -- Woody Allen 30153% 30154Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 30155 -- H.L. Mencken 30156% 30157Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted 30158pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution. 30159 -- Charles Baudelaire 30160% 30161Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. 30162 -- M. Hirschfield 30163% 30164Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. 30165 -- Saint Exupery 30166% 30167Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 30168 -- H.L. Mencken 30169% 30170Love IS what it's cracked up to be. 30171% 30172Love is what you've been through with somebody. 30173 -- James Thurber 30174% 30175Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid. 30176% 30177Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles. 30178 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps" 30179% 30180Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular 30181momentum. 30182% 30183Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags. 30184 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise" 30185% 30186Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. 30187% 30188Love means never having to say you're sorry. 30189 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story" 30190 30191That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. 30192 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?" 30193% 30194Love means nothing to a tennis player. 30195% 30196Love tells us many things that are not so. 30197 -- Krainian Proverb 30198% 30199Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach. 30200% 30201Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. 30202 -- Louise Beal 30203% 30204Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano. 30205% 30206Love to eat them mousies, 30207Mousies I love to eat. 30208Bite they little heads off, 30209Nibble at they tiny feet. 30210 -- Kliban 30211% 30212Love to eat them mousies, 30213Mousies what I love to eat. 30214Bite they little heads off, 30215Nibble on they tiny feet. 30216 -- Kliban 30217% 30218Love to eat them mousies; 30219Mousies what I love to eat. 30220Bite they tiny heads off, 30221Nibble on they tiny feet! 30222 -- Kilban 30223% 30224Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart, 30225 seized this one for the fair form 30226 that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still. 30227Love, which absolves no loved one from loving, 30228 seized me so strongly with delight in him, 30229 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now. 30230Love brought us to one death. 30231 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06 30232% 30233Love your enemies: they'll go crazy 30234trying to figure out what you're up to. 30235% 30236Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge. 30237 -- Benjamin Franklin 30238% 30239Lowery's Law: 30240 If it jams -- force it. If it 30241 breaks, it needed replacing anyway. 30242% 30243LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. 30244% 30245Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: 30246 There's always one more bug. 30247% 30248Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable 30249British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The 30250Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture 30251nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British 30252don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm 30253beer because they have Lucas refrigerators. 30254% 30255Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young. 30256 -- Russell Banks 30257% 30258Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet. 30259 -- P.E. Trudeau 30260% 30261Lucky, adj: 30262 When you have a wife and a cigarette 30263 lighter -- both of which work. 30264% 30265Lucky is he for whom the belle toils. 30266% 30267Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do. 30268 Can't you be serious for once? 30269Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think 30270 of the more important things in life! 30271 (pause) 30272 Tomorrow!! 30273% 30274Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser. 30275 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew" 30276% 30277LUNATIC ASYLUM: 30278 The place where optimism most flourishes. 30279% 30280Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable. 30281 -- Bergan Evans 30282% 30283Lysistrata had a good idea. 30284% 30285Ma Bell is a mean mother! 30286% 30287MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that. 30288% 30289"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years." 30290"What about X?" 30291"I said `intellectual'." 30292 ;login, 9/1990 30293% 30294Machine-independent program: 30295 A program that will not run on any machine. 30296% 30297Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine. 30298 -- Andy Warhol 30299% 30300Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the 30301repairman arrives. 30302% 30303macho, adj.: 30304 Jogging home from your vasectomy. 30305% 30306Macho does not prove mucho. 30307 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor 30308% 30309MAD: 30310 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. 30311% 30312Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- 30313if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. 30314 -- W.C. Fields 30315% 30316Madison's Inquiry: 30317 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? 30318% 30319Madness takes its toll. 30320% 30321Magary's Principle: 30322 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any 30323 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do 30324 the cutting, and the public's services are cut. 30325% 30326Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic. 30327% 30328Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism. 30329 30330Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. 30331 30332The two preceding definitions are condensed from the works of one 30333thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a 30334great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. 30335% 30336MAGNOCARTIC: 30337 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. 30338 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 30339% 30340magnocartic, adj: 30341 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping 30342 carts. 30343 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 30344% 30345MAGPIE: 30346 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested 30347 to someone that it might be taught to talk. 30348 -- A. Bierce 30349% 30350MAIDEN AUNT: 30351 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle." 30352% 30353Maiden, n: 30354 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and 30355 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical 30356 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. 30357 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her 30358 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to 30359 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to 30360 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the 30361 canary -- which, also, is more portable. 30362 30363Male, n: 30364 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the 30365 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus 30366 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. 30367 -- Ambrose Bierce 30368% 30369Maier's Law: 30370 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. 30371 -- N.R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960 30372 30373Corollaries: 30374 1. The bigger the theory, the better. 30375 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 30376 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to 30377 obtain a correspondence with the theory. 30378% 30379Main's Law: 30380 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. 30381% 30382Maintainer's Motto: 30383 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. 30384% 30385Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward! 30386Seagoon: Only in the holiday season. 30387Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward! 30388% 30389Major premise: 30390 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man. 30391Minor premise: 30392 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 30393Conclusion: 30394 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 30395 30396Secondary Conclusion: 30397 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people 30398 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? 30399% 30400Majorities, of course, start with minorities. 30401 -- Robert Moses 30402% 30403MAJORITY: 30404 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. 30405% 30406Make a wish, it might come true. 30407% 30408Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home. 30409% 30410Make it right before you make it faster. 30411% 30412Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood. 30413 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham 30414% 30415Make sure your code does nothing gracefully. 30416% 30417Make war not sex. (It's safer.) 30418% 30419Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users 30420tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has 30421been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the 30422message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. 30423 -- System V.2 administrator's guide 30424% 30425Malek's Law: 30426 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. 30427% 30428MALPRACTICE: 30429 The reason surgeons wear masks. 30430% 30431MAN: 30432 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he 30433 is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief 30434 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, 30435 which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest 30436 the whole habitable earth and Canada. 30437 -- A. Bierce 30438% 30439Man and wife make one fool. 30440% 30441Man belongs wherever he wants to go. 30442 -- Wernher von Braun 30443% 30444Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because 30445he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while 30446all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good 30447time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were 30448far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. 30449 -- D. Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 30450% 30451Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it. 30452 -- Fred Allen 30453% 30454Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments. 30455% 30456Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 30457 -- Lily Tomlin 30458% 30459Man is a military animal, 30460Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade. 30461 -- P.J. Bailey 30462% 30463Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon 30464to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 30465 -- Oscar Wilde 30466% 30467Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he 30468is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 30469 -- Oscar Wilde 30470% 30471Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this-- 30472no dog exchanges bones with another. 30473 -- Adam Smith 30474% 30475Man is by nature a political animal. 30476 -- Aristotle 30477% 30478Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... 30479and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. 30480 -- Wernher von Braun 30481% 30482Man is the measure of all things. 30483 -- Protagoras 30484% 30485Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. 30486 -- Mark Twain 30487% 30488Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms 30489with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 30490 -- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902 30491% 30492Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; 30493for he is the only animal that is struck with the 30494difference between what things are and what they ought to be. 30495 -- William Hazlitt 30496% 30497Man must shape his tools lest they shape him. 30498 -- Arthur R. Miller 30499% 30500Man proposes, God disposes. 30501 -- Thomas a Kempis 30502% 30503Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- 30504unless it is an enemy. 30505 -- A. Einstein 30506% 30507Man who arrives at party two hours late 30508will find he has been beaten to the punch. 30509% 30510Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. 30511% 30512Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. 30513% 30514Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey. 30515% 30516Man will never fly. 30517Space travel is merely a dream. 30518All aspirin is alike. 30519% 30520Management: How many feet do mice have? 30521Reply: Mice have four feet. 30522M: Elaborate! 30523R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet. 30524M: No discussion of fifth appendage! 30525R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail. 30526M: What? Feet with no legs? 30527R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse. 30528M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages? 30529R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. 30530M: Does not fully discuss the issue! 30531R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg 30532 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail 30533 is not equipped with a foot. 30534M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO! 30535R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies, 30536 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would 30537 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets. 30538M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity! 30539R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined 30540 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also 30541 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and 30542 ornamental in nature. 30543M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question! 30544R: Mice have four feet. 30545% 30546MANAGEMENT: 30547 The art of getting other people to do all the work. 30548% 30549MANAGER: 30550 A man known for giving great meeting. 30551% 30552man-hour, n: 30553 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings. 30554% 30555MANIC-DEPRESSIVE: 30556 Easy glum, easy glow. 30557% 30558Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts. 30559 -- Plotinus 30560% 30561Manly's Maxim: 30562 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion 30563 with confidence. 30564% 30565Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. 30566% 30567Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens? 30568% 30569Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual 30570conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in. 30571 -- Sydney J. Harris 30572% 30573manual, n: 30574 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given 30575 item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information 30576 you need in in the others. 30577 -- Ray Simard 30578% 30579Many a bum show has been saved by the flag. 30580 -- George M. Cohan 30581% 30582Many a family tree needs trimming. 30583% 30584Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It 30585is not so. It is so. It is not so. 30586 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack" 30587% 30588Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will 30589get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind. 30590 -- Finley Peter Dunne 30591% 30592Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer 30593can easily support two or more. 30594% 30595Many a writer seems to thing he is never profound 30596except when he can't understand his own meaning. 30597 -- George D. Prentice 30598% 30599Many are called, few are chosen. 30600Fewer still get to do the choosing. 30601% 30602Many are called, few volunteer. 30603% 30604Many are cold, but few are frozen. 30605% 30606Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long. 30607% 30608Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a 30609certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the 30610devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of 30611their data processing systems. 30612 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 30613% 30614Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is 30615weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and 30616weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, 30617but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist, 30618he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert. 30619 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed" 30620% 30621Many hands make light work. 30622 -- John Heywood 30623% 30624Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales. 30625% 30626Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance, 30627the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their 30628fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the 30629Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally 30630read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time 30631by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They 30632are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers 30633successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations 30634should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still, 30635while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether. 30636 -- Francis Galton, 1909 30637% 30638Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing 30639tricks on me and treating me badly. 30640 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur 30641% 30642Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their 30643life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses. 30644 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981 30645% 30646Many pages make a thick book. 30647% 30648Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very 30649very thin paper. 30650% 30651Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice 30652which will recommend that they do what they want to do. 30653% 30654Many people are secretly interested in life. 30655% 30656Many people are unenthusiastic about their work. 30657% 30658Many people are unenthusiastic about your work. 30659% 30660Many people feel that if you won't let 30661them make you happy, they'll make you suffer. 30662% 30663Many people feel that they deserve some kind of 30664recognition for all the bad things they haven't done. 30665% 30666Many people resent being treated like the person they really are. 30667% 30668Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say. 30669% 30670Many receive advice, few profit by it. 30671 -- Publilius Syrus 30672% 30673Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, 30674there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he 30675was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how 30676completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday.... 30677 -- Walt Kelly 30678% 30679Margaret, are you grieving 30680Over Goldengrove unleaving? 30681Leaves, like the things of man, 30682You, with your fresh thoughts 30683Care for, can you? 30684Ah! as the heart grows older 30685It will come to such sights colder 30686By and by, nor spare a sigh 30687Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie 30688And yet you will weep and know why. 30689Now no matter, child, the name 30690Sorrow's springs are the same: 30691It is the blight man was born for, 30692It is Margaret you mourn for. 30693 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins. 30694% 30695Marigold: Jealousy 30696Mint: Virute 30697Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness 30698Orchid: Beauty, magnificence 30699Pansy: Thoughts 30700Peach blossom: I am your captive 30701Petunia: Your presence soothes me 30702Poppy: Sleep 30703Rose, any color: Love 30704Rose, deep red: Bashful shame 30705Rose, single, pink: Simplicity 30706Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment 30707Rose, white: I am worthy of you 30708Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy 30709Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love 30710Rosemary: Rememberance 30711Sunflower: Haughtiness 30712Tulip, red: Declaration of love 30713Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love 30714Violet, blue: Faithfulness 30715Violet, white: Modesty 30716Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends 30717 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. 30718% 30719Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!". 30720% 30721Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students 30722who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize 30723it in order to protect themselves. 30724 -- Lenny Bruce 30725% 30726Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: 30727 Dentists are incapable of asking questions 30728 that require a simple yes or no answer. 30729% 30730MARRIAGE: 30731 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply 30732 in love and desiring to make a committment to each other expressing 30733 that love. In short, committment to an institution. 30734% 30735MARRIAGE: 30736 Convertible bonds. 30737% 30738Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of 30739insincerity possible between two human beings. 30740 -- Vicki Baum 30741% 30742Marriage causes dating problems. 30743% 30744Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle. 30745 -- Edmond About 30746% 30747Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention. 30748% 30749Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm 30750not ready for an institution yet. 30751 -- Mae West 30752% 30753Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be 30754surprised at the large number that re-enlist. 30755 -- James Garner 30756% 30757Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter. 30758% 30759Marriage is a three ring circus: 30760engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. 30761 -- Roger Price 30762% 30763Marriage is an institution in which two undertake 30764to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing. 30765% 30766Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer 30767exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work 30768in the brewery. 30769 -- George Jean Nathan 30770% 30771Marriage is learning about women the hard way. 30772% 30773Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with 30774chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it. 30775% 30776Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. 30777 -- Baskins 30778% 30779Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the 30780burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place. 30781 -- Calvin Trillin 30782% 30783Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. 30784 -- Voltaire 30785% 30786Marriage is the process of finding out what 30787kind of man your wife would have preferred. 30788% 30789Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions. 30790% 30791Marriage, n: 30792 The evil aye. 30793% 30794Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth. 30795 -- John Lyly 30796% 30797Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months. 30798% 30799MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives 30800connected by a thin strand. 30801 30802Come on, Marta, grow up. 30803 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 30804% 30805MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most 30806of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its 30807territory from invasion by another group." 30808 30809"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny. 30810 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 30811% 30812Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it? 30813Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software. 30814 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues" 30815% 30816'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability. 30817 -- George Bernard Shaw 30818% 30819Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me! 30820What a finely tuned response to the situation! 30821% 30822Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass, 30823and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged 30824Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend 30825grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?" 30826 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've 30827named a drink Fred?" 30828% 30829Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth: 30830 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants. 30831% 30832Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow, 30833And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go. 30834It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail. 30835It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail. 30836She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels, 30837And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals. 30838It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended. 30839The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended. 30840The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat, 30841Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat. 30842Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her. 30843So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer. 30844 -- Alma Garcia 30845% 30846Maryann's Law: 30847 You can always find what you're not looking for. 30848% 30849Maslow's Maxim: 30850 If the only tool you have is a hammer, 30851 you treat everything like a nail. 30852% 30853Mason's First Law of Synergism: 30854The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. 30855% 30856Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy. 30857% 30858Masturbation is the thinking man's television. 30859 -- Christopher Hampton 30860% 30861Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it! 30862 -- Monty Python 30863% 30864Mater artium necessitas. 30865 [Necessity is the mother of invention]. 30866% 30867Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. 30868 -- Malcolm Smith 30869% 30870MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! 30871 Please, don't drink and derive. 30872 30873 Mathematicians 30874 Against 30875 Drunk 30876 Deriving 30877% 30878Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. 30879 -- R. Drabek 30880% 30881mathematician, n: 30882 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's. 30883% 30884Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they 30885translate into their own language and forthwith it is something 30886entirely different. 30887 -- Goethe 30888% 30889Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate 30890into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different. 30891 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 30892% 30893Mathematicians practice absolute freedom. 30894 -- Henry Adams 30895% 30896Mathematicians take it to the limit. 30897% 30898Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts 30899to each other without consideration of their relation to experience. 30900 -- Albert Einstein 30901% 30902Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what 30903one is talking about nor whether what is said is true. 30904 -- Russell 30905% 30906Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty -- 30907a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any 30908part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music, 30909yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the 30910greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense 30911of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is 30912to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry. 30913 -- Bertrand Russell 30914% 30915Matrimony is the root of all evil. 30916% 30917Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. 30918% 30919Matter cannot be created or destroyed, 30920nor can it be returned without a receipt. 30921% 30922Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. 30923% 30924[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment 30925where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand 30926more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. 30927 -- S. Kierkegaard 30928% 30929Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. 30930 -- Jules Feiffer 30931% 30932Matz's Law: 30933 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 30934% 30935May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard 30936versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz. 30937% 30938May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts 30939% 30940May all your PUSHes be POPped. 30941% 30942May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits. 30943% 30944May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. 30945% 30946May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. 30947% 30948May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may 30949God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may 30950he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping. 30951% 30952May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse. 30953% 30954May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters. 30955% 30956May you have many handsome and obedient sons. 30957% 30958May you have warm words on a cold evening, 30959a full mooon on a dark night, 30960and a smooth road all the way to your door. 30961% 30962May you live in uninteresting times. 30963 -- Chinese proverb 30964% 30965May your camel be as swift as the wind. 30966% 30967May your SO always know when you need a hug. 30968% 30969May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your 30970Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels. 30971% 30972Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that 30973lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well. 30974 -- Will Rogers 30975% 30976Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. 30977 -- R.S. Barton 30978% 30979Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the 30980earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three. 30981 -- Lazarus Long 30982% 30983"Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes." 30984% 30985"Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each 30986other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone 30987had to seek professional help." 30988% 30989Maybe you can't buy happiness, but 30990these days you can certainly charge it. 30991% 30992May's Law: 30993 The quality of correlation is inversly proportional to the density 30994 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.) 30995% 30996McDonald's -- Because you're worth it. 30997% 30998McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance: 30999 When traveling with a herd of elephants, 31000 don't be the first to lie down and rest. 31001% 31002Meader's Law: 31003 Whatever happens to you, it will previously 31004 have happened to everyone you know, only more so. 31005% 31006Meade's Maxim: 31007Always remember that you are absolutely unique, 31008just like everyone else. 31009% 31010Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen; 31011Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht. 31012[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl, 31013AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd. 31014[P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye 31015Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe; 31016Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse. 31017Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle. 31018Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes; 31019Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?" 31020Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp 31021Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe. 31022"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete." 31023Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson 31024Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen. 31025Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar, 31026Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu." 31027Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng. 31028% 31029Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one 31030has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine 31031moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging 31032magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to 31033have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may 31034get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem 31035of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful 31036oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to 31037hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise 31038venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc 31039bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen 31040aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the 31041arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable 31042of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof 31043to mouth... 31044% 31045Measure twice, cut once. 31046% 31047Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 31048% 31049Mediocrity finds safety in standardization. 31050 -- Frederick Crane 31051% 31052Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge. 31053% 31054Meester, do you vant to buy a duck? 31055% 31056Meeting: 31057 An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what 31058 person or department not represented in the room must solve the 31059 problem. 31060% 31061meeting, n: 31062 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or 31063 department not represented in the room must solve a problem. 31064% 31065MEETINGS: 31066 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost. 31067% 31068Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that 31069corporations and other large organizations habitually engage 31070in only becuase they cannot actually masturbate. 31071 -- Dave Barry 31072% 31073MEMO: 31074 An interoffice communication too often written more for 31075 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person 31076 who receives it. 31077% 31078MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I 31079remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and 31080drive and drive. 31081 31082I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The 31083smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we 31084played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat 31085some stuff or not and then I think we went home. 31086 31087I guess some things never leave you. 31088 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 31089% 31090Memory fault -- brain fried 31091% 31092Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget! 31093% 31094Memory fault - where am I? 31095% 31096Memory should be the starting point of the present. 31097% 31098Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them. 31099 -- Marilyn Monroe 31100% 31101Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice 31102hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should 31103never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they 31104will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average 31105man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, 31106through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 31107ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT 31108tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe 31109ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him 31110a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. 31111 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More 31112than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set 31113of tires. 31114 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 31115% 31116Men are superior to women. 31117 -- The Koran 31118% 31119Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. 31120 -- Jayne Mansfield 31121% 31122Men aren't attracted to me by my mind. 31123They're attracted by what I don't mind... 31124 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 31125% 31126Men freely believe that what they wish to desire. 31127 -- Julius Caesar 31128% 31129Men have a much better time of it than women; for one 31130thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier. 31131 -- H.L. Mencken 31132% 31133Men have as exaggerated an idea of their 31134rights as women have of their wrongs. 31135 -- E.W. Howe 31136% 31137Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food. 31138% 31139Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. 31140% 31141Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses. 31142 -- Dorothy Parker 31143% 31144Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them 31145pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. 31146 -- Winston Churchill 31147% 31148Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active. 31149 -- Leonardo da Vinci 31150% 31151Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality. 31152% 31153Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or 31154at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments. 31155% 31156Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our 31157pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs 31158and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, 31159inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us 31160sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness 31161and acts that are contrary to habit... 31162 -- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease" 31163% 31164Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them. 31165 -- DeSegur 31166% 31167Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples. 31168% 31169Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last. 31170% 31171Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities. 31172 -- Napoleon Bonaparte 31173% 31174Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, 31175and speech only to conceal their thoughts. 31176 -- Voltaire 31177% 31178Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures 31179from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. 31180Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split 31181before. Thus was the Empire forged. 31182 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 31183% 31184Men who cherish for women the highest 31185respect are seldom popular with them. 31186 -- Joseph Addison 31187% 31188Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: 31189 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. 31190 31191Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: 31192 The quality of a champagne is judged by the 31193 amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped. 31194 31195Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: 31196 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. 31197 31198Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: 31199 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that 31200 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city 31201 can ever hope to acquire it. 31202% 31203Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen. 31204% 31205Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to 31206corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in 31207favor of smart solutions to stupid problems. 31208 -- Piers Anthony 31209% 31210Mental things which have not gone in through the 31211senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental. 31212 -- Leonardo 31213% 31214MENU: 31215 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. 31216% 31217Meskimen's Law: 31218 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to 31219 do it over. 31220% 31221Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ... 31222% 31223Message will arrive in the mail. 31224Destroy, before the FBI sees it. 31225% 31226METEOROLOGIST: 31227 One who doubts the established fact that it is 31228 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella. 31229% 31230Metermaids eat their young. 31231% 31232Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. 31233% 31234MICRO: 31235 Thinker toys. 31236% 31237Micro Credo: 31238 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. 31239% 31240Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! 31241% 31242Microwaves frizz your heir. 31243% 31244Mieux vaut tard que jamais! 31245% 31246Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to 31247get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. 31248 -- Casablanca 31249% 31250Miksch's Law: 31251 If a string has one end, then it has another end. 31252% 31253Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either. 31254% 31255Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. 31256 -- Groucho Marx 31257% 31258Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. 31259 -- Groucho Marx 31260% 31261Miller's Slogan: 31262 Lose a few, lose a few. 31263% 31264millihelen, adj: 31265 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. 31266% 31267Millions long for immortality who do not know what 31268to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 31269 -- Susan Ertz 31270% 31271Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is 31272almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee," 31273they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a 31274President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their 31275lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a 31276stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. 31277Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the 31278Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among 31279the gold and the black. 31280 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" 31281% 31282Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is 31283particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, 31284to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. 31285But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands 31286shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit 31287me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail. 31288% 31289"Mind if I smoke?" 31290 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!" 31291% 31292"Mind if I smoke?" 31293 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?" 31294% 31295Mind your own business, Spock. 31296I'm sick of your halfbreed interference. 31297% 31298Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine. 31299% 31300Minicomputer: 31301 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level 31302 manager. 31303% 31304Minnesota -- 31305 home of the blonde hair and blue ears. 31306 mosquito supplier to the free world. 31307 come fall in love with a loon. 31308 where visitors turn blue with envy. 31309 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold. 31310 land of many cultures -- mostly throat. 31311 where the elite meet sleet. 31312 glove it or leave it. 31313 many are cold, but few are frozen. 31314 land of the ski and home of the crazed. 31315 land of 10,000 Petersons. 31316% 31317Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. 31318% 31319MIPS: 31320 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed 31321% 31322Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. 31323 -- Jean Cocteau 31324% 31325Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. 31326% 31327Misery no longer loves company. 31328Nowadays it insists on it. 31329 -- Russell Baker 31330% 31331MISFORTUNE: 31332 The kind of fortune that never misses. 31333% 31334Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot. 31335% 31336MISS: 31337 A title with which we brand unmarried 31338 women to indicate that they are in the market. 31339% 31340Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to utter failure. 31341% 31342Mistrust first impulses; they are always right. 31343% 31344MIT: 31345 The Georgia Tech of the North 31346% 31347Mitchell's Law of Committees: 31348 Any simple problem can be made insoluble 31349 if enough meetings are held to discuss it. 31350% 31351mittsquinter, adj: 31352 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as 31353 if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there. 31354 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 31355% 31356Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; 31357it's lovely to be silly at the right moment. 31358 -- Horace 31359% 31360mixed emotions: 31361 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff. 31362 With five empty seats. 31363% 31364Mix's Law: 31365 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. 31366 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax. 31367% 31368Mobius strippers never show you their back side. 31369% 31370MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) 31371 31372 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 313732 cups water 2 cups sugar 313742 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 31375 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine 31376 Cinnamon 31377 31378Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break 31379RITZ Crackers coarsley into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar 31380and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon 31381juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously 31382with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top 31383crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let 31384steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust 31385is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. 31386 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box 31387% 31388Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business. 31389 -- P.J. Denning 31390% 31391modem, adj: 31392 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An 31393 unfortunate byproduct of kerning. 31394% 31395Moderation in all things. 31396 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence] 31397% 31398Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. 31399 -- Oscar Wilde 31400% 31401Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade 31402themselves that they have a better idea. 31403 -- John Ciardi 31404% 31405Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. 31406% 31407Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural 31408function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the 31409other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the 31410brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise. 31411Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite 31412conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it 31413is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working 31414assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it. 31415Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot 31416logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology. 31417 -- D.O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological 31418 Theory", 1949 31419% 31420MODESTY: 31421 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness. 31422% 31423Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue. 31424 -- J.K. Galbraith 31425% 31426Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending 31427 not to be aware of it. 31428 -- Oliver Herford 31429% 31430Moe: Wanna play poker tonight? 31431Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out. 31432Moe: So? 31433Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse. 31434% 31435Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day? 31436Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out. 31437% 31438Moebius always does it on the same side. 31439% 31440Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him 31441how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. 31442The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better. 31443% 31444Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet 31445in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a 31446hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of 31447the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane, 31448but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him. 31449So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all 31450over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe, 31451the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in 31452the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he 31453awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally 31454woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion. 31455 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously. 31456% 31457MOLECULE: 31458 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from 31459 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a 31460 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit 31461 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and 31462 the atom in that it is an ion... 31463% 31464Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: 31465 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review 31466 and be implemented it wasn't worth doing. 31467% 31468MOMENTUM: 31469 What you give a person when they are going away. 31470% 31471Mommy, what happens to your files when you die? 31472% 31473Mom's Law: 31474 When they finally do have to take you to the 31475 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new. 31476% 31477MONDAY: 31478 In Christian countries, the day after the football game. 31479 -- Ambrose Bierce 31480% 31481Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. 31482% 31483Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two 31484things we have. 31485 -- The Best of Will Rogers 31486% 31487Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship. 31488% 31489Money cannot buy 31490The fuel of love 31491but is excellent kindling. 31492 31493To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say, 31494Is a keen observer of life, 31495The word intellectual suggests right away 31496A man who's untrue to his wife. 31497 -- W.H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems" 31498% 31499Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you 31500awfully comfortable while you're being miserable. 31501 -- C.B. Luce 31502% 31503Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. 31504 -- Christopher Marlowe 31505% 31506Money doesn't talk, it swears. 31507 -- Bob Dylan 31508% 31509Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well. 31510 -- Lazarus Long 31511% 31512Money is its own reward. 31513% 31514Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. 31515% 31516Money is the root of all wealth. 31517% 31518Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash. 31519 -- Lazarus Long 31520% 31521Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next. 31522 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale 31523% 31524Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love. 31525% 31526Money may not buy happiness, but it sure 31527puts you in a great bargaining position. 31528% 31529Money will say more in one moment than 31530the most eloquent lover can in years. 31531% 31532Moneyliness is next to Godliness. 31533 -- Andries van Dam 31534% 31535Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses. 31536 -- H.H. Munro 31537% 31538MONOTONY: 31539 Marriage to one woman at a time. 31540% 31541MONTANA: 31542 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television. 31543% 31544MONTANA: 31545 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff. 31546% 31547Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place 31548in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling 31549of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery. 31550 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840 31551% 31552moon, n: 31553 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to 31554hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). 31555% 31556Moore's Constant: 31557 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody 31558 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do. 31559% 31560MOPHOBIA: 31561 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 31562% 31563mophobia, n: 31564 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 31565% 31566More are taken in by hope than by cunning. 31567 -- Vauvenargues 31568% 31569More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice. 31570 -- R.S. Surtees 31571% 31572More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island. 31573% 31574More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants. 31575% 31576MORE SPORTS RESULTS: 31577The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday 31578night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians 31579waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for 31580the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was 31581broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted 31582the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities. 31583At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're 31584full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials. 31585% 31586More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path 31587leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. 31588Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. 31589 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 31590% 31591Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly 31592religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help. 31593One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent 31594man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery 31595just once?" 31596 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris, 31597nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before. 31598I just want to win one little lottery." 31599 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at 31600least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!" 31601% 31602Morton's Law: 31603 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer. 31604% 31605Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more 31606wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types... 31607 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars" 31608% 31609Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: 31610 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. 31611 If everything did, you'd be out of a job. 31612% 31613MOSQUITO: 31614 The state bird of New Jersey. 31615% 31616Most burning issues generate far more heat than light. 31617% 31618Most folks they like the daytime, 31619 'cause they like to see the shining sun. 31620They're up in the morning, 31621 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun. 31622But when the sun goes down, 31623 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun. 31624 31625Now there are two sides to this great big world, 31626 and one of them is always night. 31627If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby, 31628 I guess you're gonna be all right. 31629Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand. 31630 My eyes just can't stand the light. 31631 31632'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long. 31633 -- Carly Simon 31634% 31635Most general statements are false, including this one. 31636 -- Alexander Dumas 31637% 31638Most of our lives are about proving something, 31639either to ourselves or to someone else. 31640% 31641Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking 31642difficulties before we get to them. 31643 -- Dr. Frank Crane 31644% 31645...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably 31646useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends, 31647hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute 31648and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of 31649lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from 31650which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not 31651speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women 31652of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution 31653has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love. 31654 -- Alix Kates Shulman 31655% 31656Most of your faults are not your fault. 31657% 31658Most people are too busy to have time for anything important. 31659% 31660Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and 31661they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment 31662to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the 31663moon. 31664 -- H.L. Mencken 31665% 31666Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries. 31667% 31668Most people deserve each other. 31669 -- Shirley 31670% 31671Most people don't need a great deal of love 31672nearly so much as they need a steady supply. 31673% 31674Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market. 31675 -- E.W. Howe 31676% 31677Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion. 31678% 31679Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained 31680only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial 31681quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs. 31682 -- W.S. Maugham 31683% 31684Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only. 31685% 31686Most people have two reasons for doing anything -- 31687a good reason, and the real reason. 31688% 31689Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are, 31690at best, reformed or potential lunatics. 31691 -- Susan Sontag 31692% 31693Most people need some of their problems 31694to help take their mind off some of the others. 31695% 31696Most people prefer certainty to truth. 31697% 31698Most people want either less corruption 31699or more of a chance to participate in it. 31700% 31701Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands, 31702if you'll consider their unacceptable offer. 31703% 31704Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning. 31705% 31706Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance. 31707% 31708Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who 31709can't talk for people who can't read. 31710 -- Frank Zappa 31711% 31712Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over. 31713% 31714Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. 31715 -- Richard Lewis 31716% 31717MOTHER: 31718 Half a word. 31719% 31720Mother Earth is not flat! 31721% 31722Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that 31723there would be so many. 31724% 31725Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there 31726would be so many. 31727% 31728Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before. 31729% 31730Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they 31731don't want them to become politicians in the process. 31732 -- John F. Kennedy 31733% 31734Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense) 31735Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense. 31736 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger" 31737% 31738Mount St. Helens should have used earth control. 31739% 31740MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING 31741% 31742Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal 31743of the day. 31744% 31745Mr. Cole's Axiom: 31746 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the 31747 population is growing. 31748% 31749Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from 31750the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's 31751shirts but they're going back. 31752% 31753Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could 31754you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it! 31755% 31756Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your 31757renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but 31758at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator. 31759% 31760Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary 31761Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free 31762lessons or what? 31763% 31764Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. 31765When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was 31766wrong, "Up to a point." 31767 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? 31768Yokohama isn't it?" 31769 "Up to a point, Lord Copper." 31770 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?" 31771 "Definitely, Lord Copper." 31772 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop" 31773% 31774MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way. 31775 -- Henry Spencer 31776% 31777Much of the excitement we get out of our work 31778is that we don't really know what we are doing. 31779 -- E. Dijkstra 31780% 31781Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day. 31782He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face. 31783"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should 31784 be shared." 31785But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more: 31786First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes... 31787"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!" 31788But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong... 31789"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that 31790 with prawns, 31791Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..." 31792But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung, 31793His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot, 31794And now he's going to scoff the lot!" 31795His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..." 31796And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen. 31797and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor... 31798None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is. 31799% 31800Multics is security spelled sideways. 31801% 31802"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365, 31803365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry 31804Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the 31805tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes 31806smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more 31807than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" 31808An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be 31809as much fun to watch. 31810 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics" 31811% 31812MUMMY: 31813 An Egyptian who was pressed for time. 31814% 31815Mummy dust to make me old; 31816To shroud my clothes, the black of night; 31817To age my voice, an old hag's cackle; 31818To whiten my hair, a scream of fright; 31819A blast of wind to fan my hate; 31820A thunderbolt to mix it well -- 31821Now begin thy magic spell! 31822 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White" 31823% 31824Mummy dust to make me old; 31825To shroud my clothes, the black of night; 31826To age my voice, an old hag's cackle; 31827To whiten my hair, a scream of fright; 31828A blast of wind to fan my hate; 31829A thunderbolt to mix it well -- 31830Now begin thy magic spell! 31831 -- Walter Disney, "Snow White" 31832% 31833Mum's the word. 31834 -- Miguel de Cervantes 31835% 31836Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo. 31837 -- Xaviera Hollander 31838 31839[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.] 31840% 31841Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot 31842talk about after dinner. 31843 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" 31844% 31845Murphy was an optimist. 31846% 31847Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 31848% 31849Murphy's Law of Research: 31850 Enough research will tend to support your theory. 31851% 31852Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem. 31853 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 31854% 31855Murphy's Laws: 31856 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will. 31857 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks. 31858 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will. 31859% 31860Murray's Rule: 31861 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't. 31862% 31863Music in the soul can be heard by the universe. 31864 -- Lao Tsu 31865% 31866Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people. 31867% 31868Must I hold a candle to my shames? 31869 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 31870% 31871MUSTGO: 31872 Any item of food that has been sitting in the 31873 refrigerator so long it has become a science project. 31874 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 31875% 31876My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. 31877 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel" 31878% 31879My analyst told me that I was right out of my head, 31880 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead. 31881Because I have got a thing that is unique and new, 31882 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you. 31883'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two. 31884 31885And you know two heads are better than one. 31886% 31887My best argument against discrimination is quite simple: 31888 31889Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if 31890they can tell one end of a gun from the other? 31891% 31892My Bonnie looked into a gas tank, 31893The height of its contents to see! 31894She lit a small match to assist her, 31895Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me. 31896% 31897My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms 31898to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, 31899only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with 31900a bulls-eye on the back. 31901 31902I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them 31903said, "So will you." 31904 -- Rodney Dangerfield 31905% 31906My brain is my second favorite organ. 31907 -- Woody Allen 31908% 31909My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo 31910of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here". 31911 -- Steven Wright 31912% 31913My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want 31914It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures, 31915 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits. 31916It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating 31917 decimal points for the sake of precision. 31918Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes, 31919 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me. 31920It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an 31921 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers. 31922It annoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are 31923 over. 31924Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my 31925 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever. 31926% 31927My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty 31928nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and, 31929instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at 31930a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at 31931the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which 31932turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain 31933that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were 31934just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that. 31935 -- Hunter S. Thompson 31936% 31937"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think 31938of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother, 31939drunk or sober." 31940 -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Defendant" 31941% 31942"My country right or wrong" is like saying, "My mother drunk or 31943sober." 31944 -- G.K. Chesterton 31945% 31946My cup hath runneth'd over with love. 31947% 31948My darling wife was always glum. 31949I drowned her in a cask of rum, 31950And so made sure that she would stay 31951In better spirits night and day. 31952% 31953My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. 31954Unless there are three other people. 31955 -- Orson Welles 31956% 31957My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there 31958are three other people. 31959 -- Orson Welles 31960% 31961My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me. 31962% 31963My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, 31964beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much 31965is going on. 31966 -- J.F. Kennedy 31967% 31968My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you. 31969 -- Iphicrates 31970% 31971My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose 31972your ignorance; you cannot replace it." 31973 -- Erich Maria Remarque 31974% 31975My father taught me three things: 31976 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water. 31977 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight. 31978 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name. 31979% 31980My father was a God-fearing man, but he never 31981missed a copy of the New York Times, either. 31982 -- E.B. White 31983% 31984My father was a saint, I'm not. 31985 -- Indira Gandhi 31986% 31987My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce 31988and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side. 31989 -- Senator Hubert Humphrey 31990% 31991My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh 31992Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the 31993New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors 31994and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can 31995somebody think of something to help us win a game?" 31996 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit 31997to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul." 31998 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 31999% 32000My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, 32001but they were there to meet the boat. 32002% 32003My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so 32004later I can ask him what he meant. 32005 -- Stephen Wright 32006% 32007My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, 32008but always, always, he was right. 32009% 32010My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First 32011she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go 32012back and dig her up. 32013% 32014"My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?" 32015"Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo." 32016% 32017My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times 32018as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending 32019mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU. 32020I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it 32021would be better for us both if you were to just log out again. 32022% 32023My, how you've changed since I've changed. 32024% 32025My idea of roughing it is when room service is late. 32026% 32027My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low. 32028% 32029My interest is in the future because I am 32030going to spend the rest of my life there. 32031% 32032My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, 32033 And a wild young wood-thing bore him! 32034The ways are fair to his roaming feet, 32035 And the skies are sunlit for him. 32036As sharply sweet to my heart he seems 32037 As the fragrance of acacia. 32038My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- 32039 And I wish he were in Asia. 32040 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2 32041% 32042My love runs by like a day in June, 32043 And he makes no friends of sorrows. 32044He'll tread his galloping rigadoon 32045 In the pathway or the morrows. 32046He'll live his days where the sunbeams start 32047 Nor could storm or wind uproot him. 32048My own dear love, he is all my heart -- 32049 And I wish somebody'd shoot him. 32050 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3 32051% 32052My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right 32053thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity. 32054 -- G.B. Shaw 32055% 32056My mind can never know my body, although 32057it has become quite friendly with my legs. 32058 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology 32059% 32060My mother drinks to forget she drinks. 32061 -- Crazy Jimmy 32062% 32063My mother loved children -- she would 32064have given anything if I had been one. 32065 -- Groucho Marx 32066% 32067My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood) 32068"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." 32069For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant. 32070 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey" 32071% 32072My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!" 32073 -- Sue Murphy 32074% 32075My My, hey hey 32076Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten 32077It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten 32078Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust 32079My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten 32080 32081It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my 32082They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die 32083And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture 32084When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye 32085And into the black 32086 -- Neil Young 32087 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps" 32088% 32089My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should 32090be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties. 32091% 32092My only love sprung from my only hate! 32093Too early seen unknown, and known too late! 32094 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" 32095% 32096My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 32097% 32098My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. 32099 -- O. Wilde 32100% 32101My own dear love, he is strong and bold 32102 And he cares not what comes after. 32103His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, 32104 And his eyes are lit with laughter. 32105He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- 32106 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. 32107My own dear love, he is all my world -- 32108 And I wish I'd never met him. 32109 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1 32110% 32111My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, 32112and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be 32113reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent 32114to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not 32115we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand, 32116slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point 32117from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now 32118would be to deny our history, our capabilities. 32119 -- James A. Michener 32120% 32121"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!" 32122 -- Zippy the Pinhead 32123% 32124My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life. 32125% 32126My pen is at the bottom of a page, 32127Which, being finished, here the story ends; 32128'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, 32129But stories somehow lengthen when begun. 32130 -- Byron 32131% 32132My philosophy is: Don't think. 32133 -- Charles Manson 32134% 32135My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. 32136 -- Errol Flynn 32137 32138Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. 32139 -- Errol Flynn 32140% 32141My rackets are run on strictly American 32142lines, and they're going to stay that way. 32143 -- A. Capone 32144% 32145My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior 32146spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive 32147with our frail and feeble mind. 32148 -- Albert Einstein 32149% 32150My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I 32151hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped 32152in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot 32153character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off 32154of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog, 32155Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful 32156dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants 32157to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear 32158in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind 32159-- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new 32160part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop 32161right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children 32162have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen 32163exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 32164 -- Dave Barry 32165% 32166My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any 32167reason to limit myself. 32168 -- Emo Philips 32169% 32170My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. 32171She sells C shells by the seashore. 32172% 32173My soul is crushed, my spirit sore 32174I do not like me anymore, 32175I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse, 32176I ponder on the narrow house 32177I shudder at the thought of men 32178I'm due to fall in love again. 32179 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope" 32180% 32181My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. 32182 -- Christopher Morley 32183% 32184My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago. 32185 -- George Gobel 32186% 32187My way of joking is to tell the truth. 32188That's the funniest joke in the world. 32189 -- Muhammad Ali 32190% 32191My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. 32192% 32193Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them. 32194 -- Booth Tarkington 32195% 32196mythology, n: 32197 The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin, 32198 early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished 32199 from the true accounts which it invents later. 32200 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 32201% 32202Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer) 32203is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good 32204returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren. 32205 32206So, now that you all understand naches, the joke: 32207 32208Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee. 32209 "So, how's your daughter?" 32210 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!" 32211 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?" 32212 "Yes, that's my Rachel." 32213 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married 32214 the doctor?" 32215 "Yes, that's her!" 32216 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?" 32217 "Yes, yes!" 32218 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!" 32219% 32220Nachman's Rule: 32221 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better. 32222 -- Gerald Nachman 32223% 32224Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection. 32225 -- '76 Olympics 32226% 32227'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. 32228Never odd or even. 32229A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. 32230Madam, I'm Adam. 32231Sit on a potato pan, Otis. 32232 -- The Mad Palindromist 32233% 32234NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? 32235 Everything he says is wrong. 32236GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, 32237 and then everything he says will be right. 32238 32239 -- G.B. Shaw 32240% 32241narcolepulacyi, n: 32242 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight 32243 to also yawn. 32244 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 32245% 32246Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said 32247"My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he 32248goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal 32249it." 32250% 32251Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers 32252gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I 32253only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the 32254stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager 32255asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly, 32256for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; 32257he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they 32258were spoken to. 32259% 32260Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve 32261him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your 32262shop?" 32263 "Of course." 32264 "Have you ever seen me before?" 32265 "Never." 32266 "Then how do you know it was me?" 32267% 32268Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful 32269than the sun." 32270 "Why?", he was asked. 32271 "Because at night we need the light more." 32272% 32273Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie. 32274Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from 32275his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird! 32276You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?" 32277% 32278National security is in your hands - guard it well. 32279% 32280Natural laws have no pity. 32281% 32282Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders 32283of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to 32284drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, 32285or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people 32286can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you 32287have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists 32288for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same 32289in every country. 32290 -- Hermann Goering 32291% 32292Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation 32293of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the 32294fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be 32295creamed? 32296 -- Solomon Short 32297% 32298Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset. 32299 -- Clare Booth Luce 32300% 32301Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 32302% 32303Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, 32304God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. 32305 32306It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! 32307Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. 32308% 32309Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely 32310given them little. 32311 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson 32312% 32313Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, 32314it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. 32315 -- Fran Lebowitz 32316% 32317Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be 32318tolerated until they acquire some sense. 32319 -- William Phelps 32320% 32321Nature to all things fixed the limits fit, 32322And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit. 32323As on the land while here the ocean gains, 32324In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains; 32325Thus in the soul while memory prevails, 32326The solid power of understanding fails; 32327Where beams of warm imagination play, 32328The memory's soft figures melt away. 32329 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?) 32330% 32331Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed. 32332 -- Francis Bacon 32333% 32334Near the Studio Jean Cocteau 32335On the Rue des Ecoles 32336lived an old man 32337with a blind dog 32338Every evening I would see him 32339guiding the dog along 32340the sidewalk, keeping 32341a firm grip on the leash 32342so that the dog wouldn't 32343run into a passerby 32344Sometimes the dog would stop 32345and look up at the sky 32346Once the old man 32347noticed me watching the dog 32348and he said, "Oh, yes, 32349this one knows 32350when the moon is out, 32351he can feel it on his face" 32352 -- Barry Gifford 32353% 32354Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you 32355want to test a man's character, give him power. 32356 -- Abraham Lincoln 32357% 32358Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I 32359have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong. 32360 -- Brent Welch 32361% 32362Necessity has no law. 32363 -- St. Augustine 32364% 32365Necessity hath no law. 32366 -- Oliver Cromwell 32367% 32368Necessity is a mother. 32369% 32370"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity 32371is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth. 32372 -- Alfred North Whitehead 32373% 32374Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. 32375It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. 32376 -- William Pitt, 1783 32377% 32378Neckties strangle clear thinking. 32379 -- Lin Yutang 32380% 32381Needs are a function of what other people have. 32382% 32383Negative expectations yield negative results. 32384Positive expectations yield negative results. 32385% 32386Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty. 32387 -- Napoleon 32388% 32389Neil Armstrong tripped. 32390% 32391Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so. 32392% 32393Nemo me impune lacessit 32394 [No one provokes me with impunity] 32395 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland 32396% 32397nerd pack, n: 32398 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling 32399 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be 32400 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling 32401 in his pack. 32402% 32403Neuroses are red, 32404 Melancholia's blue. 32405I'm schizophrenic, 32406 What are you? 32407% 32408Neurotics build castles in the sky, 32409Psychotics live in them, 32410And psychiatrists collect the rent. 32411% 32412Neutrinos are into physicists. 32413% 32414Neutrinos have bad breadth. 32415% 32416neutron bomb, n: 32417 An explosive device of limited military value because, as 32418 it only destroys people without destroying property, it 32419 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property. 32420% 32421Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy. 32422 -- Linda Festa 32423% 32424Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. 32425Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. 32426 -- Lazarus Long 32427% 32428Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference. 32429% 32430Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. 32431% 32432Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested. 32433% 32434Never ask the barber if you need a haircut. 32435% 32436Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss 32437the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other. 32438% 32439Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. 32440 -- Anonymous 32441% 32442Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. 32443% 32444Never buy from a rich salesman. 32445 -- Goldenstern 32446% 32447Never buy what you do not want 32448because it is cheap; it will be dear to you. 32449 -- Thomas Jefferson 32450% 32451Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. 32452% 32453Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. 32454% 32455Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 32456% 32457Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. 32458% 32459Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled 32460with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change 32461into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the 32462window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.) 32463% 32464Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water. 32465% 32466Never eat anything bigger than your head. 32467% 32468Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. 32469And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. 32470 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know" 32471% 32472Never eat more than you can lift. 32473 -- Miss Piggy 32474% 32475Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're 32476absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth. 32477% 32478Never explain. Your friends do not need it 32479and your enemies will never believe you anyway. 32480 -- Elbert Hubbard 32481% 32482Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning. 32483 -- Marlo Thomas 32484% 32485Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry. 32486% 32487Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you. 32488% 32489Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose. 32490% 32491Never give an inch! 32492% 32493Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 32494 -- Erma Bombeck 32495% 32496Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. 32497 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints" 32498% 32499Never have children, only grandchildren. 32500 -- Gore Vidal 32501% 32502Never have so many understood so little about so much. 32503 -- James Burke 32504% 32505Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat. 32506% 32507Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river. 32508% 32509Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. 32510 -- Billy Rose 32511% 32512Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. 32513 -- Quentin Crisp 32514% 32515Never kick a man, unless he's down. 32516% 32517Never laugh at live dragons. 32518 -- Bilbo Baggins 32519% 32520Never leave anything to chance; 32521make sure all your crimes are premeditated. 32522% 32523Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. 32524 -- Erma Bombeck 32525% 32526Never let someone who says it cannot be done 32527interrupt the person who is doing it. 32528% 32529Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. 32530 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" 32531% 32532Never look a gift horse in the mouth. 32533 -- Saint Jerome 32534% 32535Never look up when dragons fly overhead. 32536% 32537Never make anything simple and efficient when a 32538way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. 32539% 32540Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. 32541 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 32542% 32543Never offend with style when you can offend with substance. 32544% 32545Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt. 32546% 32547Never play pool with anyone named "Fats". 32548% 32549Never promise more than you can perform. 32550 -- Publilius Syrus 32551% 32552Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. 32553 -- D. Gries 32554% 32555Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. 32556% 32557Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after. 32558% 32559Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection 32560unprotected. 32561 -- Robert Orben 32562% 32563Never reveal your best argument. 32564% 32565Never say "Oops" in an operating room. 32566% 32567Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. 32568% 32569Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. 32570 -- Nelson Algren 32571% 32572Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on 32573that subject. 32574 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand 32575% 32576NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle. 32577% 32578Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks 32579in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm 32580tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay 32581On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..." 32582 -- Lenny Bruce 32583% 32584Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to 32585do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. 32586 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr. 32587% 32588Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. 32589 -- Steinbach 32590% 32591Never trust a child farther than you can throw it. 32592% 32593Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself. 32594% 32595Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal. 32596 -- John Dillinger 32597% 32598Never trust an operating system. 32599% 32600Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg. 32601% 32602Never trust anyone who says money is no object. 32603% 32604Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain 32605sex to a virgin. 32606 -- Robert Heinlein 32607 32608(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.) 32609% 32610Never try to outstubborn a cat. 32611 -- Lazarus Long 32612% 32613Never try to teach a pig to sing. 32614It wastes your time and annoys the pig. 32615% 32616Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. 32617% 32618Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. 32619% 32620Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where 32621there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc. 32622% 32623Never volunteer for anything. 32624 -- Lackland 32625% 32626Never worry about theory as long as the 32627machinery does what it's supposed to do. 32628 -- R.A. Heinlein 32629% 32630new, adj: 32631 Different color from previous model. 32632% 32633New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. 32634% 32635New England Life, of course. Why? 32636% 32637New England Life, of course. Why do you ask? 32638% 32639New members are urgently needed in the Society 32640for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. 32641% 32642New release: 32643 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting 32644 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this 32645 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait. 32646% 32647New systems generate new problems. 32648% 32649New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his 32650age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. 32651 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 32652% 32653New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around 32654whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. 32655 -- David Letterman 32656% 32657New York-- to that tall skyline I come 32658Flyin' in from London to your door 32659New York-- lookin' down on Central Park 32660Where they say you should not wander after dark. 32661New York. 32662 -- Simon and Garfunkle 32663% 32664New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be. 32665% 32666Newlan's Truism: 32667 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the 32668 government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. 32669% 32670Newman's Discovery: 32671 Your best dreams may not come true; 32672 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams. 32673% 32674Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then 32675print the chaff. 32676 -- Adlai Stevenson 32677% 32678NEWS FLASH!! 32679 Today the East German pole-vault champion 32680 became the West German pole-vault champion. 32681% 32682news: gotcha 32683% 32684NEWSFLASH!! 32685 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at 326861700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down. 32687It was. Age 31. 32688% 32689Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: 32690 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. 32691% 32692Next Friday will not be your lucky day. 32693As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. 32694% 32695Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. 32696 -- Foghorn Leghorn 32697% 32698Nice guys don't finish nice. 32699% 32700Nice guys finish last. 32701 -- Leo Durocher 32702% 32703Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. 32704 -- Evan Davis 32705% 32706Nice guys get sick. 32707% 32708Nick the Greek's Law of Life: 32709 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against. 32710% 32711Nietzsche is pietzsche. 32712% 32713Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder. 32714% 32715Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. 32716God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. 32717 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters" 32718% 32719Nihilism should commence with oneself. 32720% 32721Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his 32722name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into 32723(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, 32724but Americans call him by value. 32725% 32726Nine megs for the secretaries fair, 32727Seven megs for the hackers scarce, 32728Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, 32729Three megs for system source; 32730 32731One disk to rule them all, 32732One disk to bind them, 32733One disk to hold the files 32734And in the darkness grind 'em. 32735% 32736Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes 32737And tapes without any tracks; 32738Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes 32739And tapes mixed up on the racks -- 32740 Take hold of the tape 32741 And pull off the strip, 32742 And then you'll be sure 32743 Your tape drive will skip. 32744 32745 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 32746% 32747Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. 32748 -- Henry Kissinger 32749% 32750Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. 32751The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much. 32752 -- Augustine 32753% 32754Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they 32755would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect 32756that much. 32757 -- Augustine 32758% 32759Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: 32760 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of 32761 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. 32762% 32763Nirvana? That's the place where the powers 32764that be and their friends hang out. 32765 -- Zonker Harris 32766% 32767Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing 32768else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow 32769the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked. 32770 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye" 32771% 32772No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. 32773 -- Aesop 32774% 32775No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. 32776% 32777No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. 32778% 32779No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. 32780 -- William Blake 32781% 32782no brainer: 32783 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope, 32784 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally. 32785% 32786No character, however upright, is a match for 32787constantly reiterated attacks, however false. 32788 -- Alexander Hamilton 32789% 32790No Civil War picture ever made a nickel. 32791 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about 32792 film rights to "Gone With the Wind". 32793 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 32794% 32795No directory. 32796% 32797No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon 32798lectures which are really worth the attending. 32799 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations" 32800% 32801No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself 32802on the grounds that it was human nature. 32803% 32804No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.' 32805 -- Dr. Who 32806% 32807No evil can happen to a good man. 32808 -- Plato 32809% 32810No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness. 32811 -- Aristotle 32812% 32813No extensible language will be universal. 32814 -- T. Cheatham 32815% 32816No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl; 32817no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman. 32818 -- Landor 32819% 32820No good deed goes unpunished. 32821 -- Clare Booth Luce 32822% 32823No group of professionals meets except to 32824conspire against the public at large. 32825 -- Mark Twain 32826% 32827No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that 32828he will not become a nuisance after three days. 32829 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 32830% 32831No guts, no glory. 32832% 32833No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware 32834until three software guys have signed off for it. 32835 -- Andy Tanenbaum 32836% 32837No, his mind is not for rent 32838To any god or government. 32839Always hopeful, yet discontent, 32840He knows changes aren't permanent - 32841But change is. 32842% 32843No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets. 32844% 32845No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. 32846It should be of the hill, belonging to it. 32847 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 32848% 32849No, I don't have a drinking problem. 32850I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem! 32851% 32852No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is 32853just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone 32854and Telegraph Company. 32855 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking 32856 machine, 1943. 32857% 32858No is no negative in a woman's mouth. 32859 -- Sidney 32860% 32861"No job too big; no fee too big!" 32862 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters" 32863% 32864No line available at 300 baud. 32865% 32866No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of 32867absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. 32868Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness 32869within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. 32870Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and 32871doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone 32872of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone. 32873 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House" 32874% 32875no maintenance: 32876 Impossible to fix. 32877% 32878No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost 32879interest in hair restorers. 32880 -- Austin O'Malley 32881% 32882No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating 32883one peanut. 32884 -- Channing Pollock 32885% 32886No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the 32887Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, 32888Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if 32889a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes 32890me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know 32891for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee. 32892 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland" 32893% 32894No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. 32895% 32896No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list. 32897% 32898No man is useless who has a friend, 32899and if we are loved we are indispensable. 32900 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 32901% 32902No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next. 32903 -- E.W. Howe 32904% 32905No man's ambition has a right to stand in 32906the way of performing a simple act of justice. 32907 -- John Altgeld 32908% 32909No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher 32910than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination. 32911 -- Lenin, 1918 32912% 32913No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night 32914with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck. 32915But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification 32916in the afternoons. 32917 -- Salvador Dali 32918% 32919No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up. 32920% 32921No matter how much you do you never do enough. 32922% 32923No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for 32924signs of improvement. 32925 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell 32926% 32927No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously 32928cramp his style. 32929% 32930No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would. 32931% 32932No matter where I go, the place is always called "here". 32933% 32934No matter who you are, some scholar can show you 32935the great idea you had was had by someone before you. 32936% 32937No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, 32938th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns. 32939 -- Mr. Dooley 32940% 32941No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an 32942unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway. 32943 -- Arthur Binstead 32944% 32945No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it 32946all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly 32947the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these 32948republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it 32949ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under 32950every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best. 32951 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816 32952% 32953No one becomes depraved in a moment. 32954 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis 32955% 32956No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. 32957% 32958No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a 32959dirty little beast. 32960 -- W.S. Gilbert 32961% 32962No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 32963 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 32964% 32965No one can put you down without your full cooperation. 32966% 32967No one gets sick on Wednesdays. 32968% 32969No one knows like a woman how to say 32970things that are at once gentle and deep. 32971 -- Hugo 32972% 32973No one knows what he can do till he tries. 32974 -- Publilius Syrus 32975% 32976No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars. 32977 -- Quintus Ennius 32978% 32979No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the 32980one who's giving it. 32981 -- Hal Chadwick 32982% 32983NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS 32984 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907 32985% 32986No pig should go sky diving during monsoon 32987For this isn't really the norm. 32988But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon, 32989So what? Any pork in a storm. 32990 32991No pig should go sky diving during monsoon, 32992It's risky enough when the weather is fine. 32993But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar 32994Cast even more perils before swine. 32995% 32996No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- 32997He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. 32998Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame 32999And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. 33000 (refrain) 33001Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails 33002And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. 33003All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff 33004But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" 33005 (refrain) 33006Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. 33007The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. 33008A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, 33009But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! 33010 (refrain) 33011Refrain: 33012 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 33013 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 33014 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 33015 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 33016% 33017No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of 33018them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe 33019their wish has been granted. 33020 -- W.H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand" 33021% 33022No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. 33023% 33024No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 33025% 33026No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 33027 -- C. Schulz 33028% 33029No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. 33030% 33031"No program is perfect," 33032They said with a shrug. 33033"The customer's happy-- 33034What's one little bug?" 33035 33036But he was determined, Then change two, then three more, 33037The others went home. As year followed year. 33038He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment, 33039Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?" 33040 33041Night passed into morning. He died at the console 33042The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst 33043With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried 33044"I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first. 33045 33046Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears 33047Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate. 33048"I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone, 33049"Just change one instruction." He's just working late." 33050 -- The Perfect Programmer 33051% 33052No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied 33053occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an 33054indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence 33055different from the one identified by the given indication as an 33056indication-applied occurrence. 33057 -- ALGOL 68 Report 33058% 33059No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious. 33060% 33061No rock so hard but that a little wave 33062May beat admission in a thousand years. 33063 -- Tennyson 33064% 33065No self-made man ever did such a good job 33066that some woman didn't want to make some alterations. 33067 -- Kim Hubbard 33068% 33069No skis take rocks like rental skis! 33070% 33071No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary 33072for that purpose to keep awake all day. 33073 -- Nietzsche 33074% 33075No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible. 33076% 33077No sooner had Edger Allen Poe 33078Finished his old Raven, 33079then he started his Old Crow. 33080% 33081No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth. 33082 -- Quintus Ennius 33083% 33084No spitting on the Bus! 33085Thank you, The Management. 33086% 33087No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk. 33088 -- Richard Nixon 33089% 33090No two persons ever read the same book. 33091 -- Edmund Wilson 33092% 33093No use getting too involved in life -- 33094you're only here for a limited time. 33095% 33096No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! 33097 -- Sherlock Holmes 33098% 33099No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether 33100she will or will not be a mother. 33101 -- Margaret H. Sanger 33102% 33103No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner. 33104 -- Lord Thomas Dewar 33105% 33106No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of 33107him than he deserves. 33108 -- Edgar Watson Howe 33109% 33110No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo. 33111Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop! 33112% 33113No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today. 33114% 33115No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow. 33116% 33117Nobert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in 33118fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they 33119moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely 33120useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since 33121she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had 33122moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to 33123him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He 33124reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled 33125some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and 33126threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the 33127old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they 33128had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of 33129paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There 33130was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where 33131he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner 33132and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the 33133young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget." 33134 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the 33135story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't 33136quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it, 33137however, was pretty close to what actually happened... 33138 -- Richard Harter 33139% 33140Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. 33141% 33142Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. 33143 -- Tallulah Bankhead 33144% 33145Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning. 33146% 33147Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. 33148 -- Kin Hubbard 33149% 33150Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something. 33151% 33152NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. 33153% 33154Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel 33155limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good 33156if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We 33157shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact; 33158that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too. 33159It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks. 33160 -- Liv Ullman 33161% 33162Nobody knows the trouble I've been. 33163% 33164Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears. 33165 -- Roy Harper 33166% 33167Nobody loves me, 33168Everybody hates me, 33169I think I'll go out and eat worms. 33170I'm gonna cut their heads off, 33171Eat their insides out, 33172And throw way the skins. 33173Big, fat, juicy ones, 33174Little, skinny, cute ones, 33175Watch how they wiggle and they squirm. 33176% 33177Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married. 33178And then it's too late. 33179% 33180Nobody shot me. 33181 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police 33182 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint 33183 Valentine's Day Massacre. 33184 33185Only Capone kills like that. 33186 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre 33187 33188The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran. 33189 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre 33190% 33191Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order 33192for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of 33193their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old. 33194 -- Lewis Lapham 33195% 33196Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold our 33197your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's 33198different. 33199 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P. 33200 O'Brien, instructions to the force. 33201% 33202Nobody wants constructive criticism. 33203It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. 33204% 33205Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start 33206coming in late and lying about it. 33207% 33208nohup rm -fr /& 33209% 33210Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has 33211merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. 33212 -- Mark Twain 33213% 33214nolo contendere: 33215 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do 33216 it again." 33217% 33218nominal egg: 33219 New Yorkerese for expensive. 33220% 33221Noncombatant: 33222 A dead Quaker. 33223 -- Ambrose Bierce 33224% 33225Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable. 33226 -- M.J. 0'Donnell 33227% 33228Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. 33229% 33230None love the bearer of bad news. 33231 -- Sophocles 33232% 33233None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary 33234to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one 33235ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a 33236job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing 33237forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient 33238he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a 33239state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the 33240"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible. 33241 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work" 33242% 33243Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it. 33244 -- Heisenberg 33245% 33246Nonsense and beauty have close connections. 33247 -- E.M. Forster 33248% 33249Noone ever built a statue to a critic. 33250% 33251No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good 33252intentions. He had money as well. 33253 -- Margaret Thatcher 33254% 33255Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps. 33256 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter 33257 33258Coach: How's life treating you, Norm? 33259Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife. 33260 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's 33261 33262Coach: How's life, Norm? 33263Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach. 33264 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants 33265% 33266Norm: Hey, everybody. 33267All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.] 33268Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.] 33269 Norm! (Norman.) 33270 How are you feeling today, Norm? 33271 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer. 33272 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash 33273 33274Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson? 33275Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer. 33276 Film at eleven. 33277 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar 33278 33279Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson? 33280Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better. 33281 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone 33282% 33283[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.] 33284 33285Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera? 33286Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe. 33287 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest 33288 33289Coach: What's up, Normie? 33290Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach. 33291 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2) 33292 33293Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie? 33294Norm: Going down? 33295 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom 33296% 33297[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.] 33298 33299Off-screen crowd: Norm! 33300Sam: How the hell do they know him here? 33301Cliff: He's got a life, you know. 33302 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity 33303 33304Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson? 33305Norm: Elope with my wife. 33306 -- Cheers, The Triangle 33307 33308Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson? 33309Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie. 33310 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please? 33311% 33312[Norm is angry.] 33313 33314Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson? 33315Norm: Clifford Clavin's head. 33316 -- Cheers, The Triangle 33317 33318Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm? 33319Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, 33320 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear. 33321 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle 33322 33323Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie? 33324Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp. 33325 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day 33326% 33327[Norm returns from the hospital.] 33328 33329Coach: What's up, Norm? 33330Norm: Everything that's supposed to be. 33331 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom 33332 33333Sam: What's new, Normie? 33334Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. 33335 They're demanding beer. 33336 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter 33337 33338Coach: What'll it be, Normie? 33339Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel. 33340 -- Cheers, King of the Hill 33341% 33342[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.] 33343Norm: Afternoon, everybody! 33344All: Anton! 33345 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm 33346 33347Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 33348Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.'' 33349 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible 33350 33351Sam: What can I get you, Norm? 33352Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding. 33353 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers. 33354 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd 33355% 33356Normal times may possibly be over forever. 33357% 33358Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other 33359reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates, 33360although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed 33361their courses. 33362 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn" 33363% 33364Nostalgia is living life in the past lane. 33365% 33366Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be. 33367% 33368Not all men who drink are poets. 33369Some of us drink because we aren't poets. 33370% 33371Not all who own a harp are harpers. 33372 -- Marcus Terentius Varro 33373% 33374Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't 33375make you live longer -- it just seems that way. 33376% 33377Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to 33378the capitalist mode of production. 33379 -- Herbert Marcuse 33380% 33381Not every question deserves an answer. 33382% 33383Not everything worth doing is worth doing well. 33384% 33385Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the 33386Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats 33387in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the 33388moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, 33389a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every 33390respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside 33391it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, 33392then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they 33393chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine... 33394 -- Stanislaw Lem 33395% 33396Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is 33397ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree. 33398 -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University 33399 33400I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year. 33401 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis. 33402% 33403Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad. 33404 -- Rob Pike 33405% 33406Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a 33407serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can. 33408 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 33409% 33410Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand. 33411 -- Spinoza 33412% 33413NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. 33414All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes 33415all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these 33416features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system 33417abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark 33418attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis, 33419local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure, 33420invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction 33421surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive 33422electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated 33423chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices, 33424premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant 33425uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins, 33426and/or frogs falling from the sky. 33427% 33428Note to myself: use real bullets next time. 33429% 33430Notes for a ballet, "The Spell:" ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the 33431flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... 33432Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part 33433woman -- unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who 33434is careful not to make any poultry jokes... 33435 -- Woody Allen 33436% 33437Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of 33438wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is 33439astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- 33440unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful 33441not to make any poultry jokes. 33442 -- Woody Allen 33443% 33444Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. 33445 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 33446% 33447Nothing can be done in one trip. 33448 -- Snider 33449% 33450Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. 33451% 33452Nothing endures but change. 33453 -- Heraclitus 33454 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.] 33455% 33456Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a 33457proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it. 33458 -- John Keats 33459% 33460Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. 33461 -- Winston Churchill 33462 33463Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as 33464satisfying as an income tax refund. 33465 -- F.J. Raymond 33466% 33467Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. 33468% 33469Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses. 33470% 33471Nothing is as simple as it seems at first 33472 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle 33473 Or as finished as it seems in the end. 33474% 33475Nothing is but what is not. 33476% 33477Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example. 33478% 33479Nothing is faster than the speed of light. 33480 33481To prove this to yourself, try opening the 33482refrigerator door before the light comes on. 33483% 33484Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done. 33485% 33486Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. 33487 -- Andrew Young 33488% 33489Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 33490 -- A.H. Weiler 33491% 33492Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which 33493millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. 33494 -- Nero Wolfe 33495% 33496Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey. 33497% 33498Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature. 33499She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep. 33500 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 33501% 33502Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. 33503 -- Michel de Montaigne 33504% 33505Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity. 33506 -- Ebner-Eschenbach 33507% 33508Nothing lasts forever. 33509Where do I find nothing? 33510% 33511Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute. 33512% 33513Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. 33514Conscience makes egotists of us all. 33515 -- Oscar Wilde 33516% 33517Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. 33518 -- Arthur Balfour 33519% 33520Nothing motivates a man more than to 33521see his boss put in an honest day's work. 33522% 33523Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely 33524repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because 33525the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult 33526which can be offered to a personality. 33527 -- Soren Kierkegaard 33528% 33529Nothing recedes like success. 33530 -- Walter Winchell 33531% 33532Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at 33533which the hearer is permitted to laugh. 33534 -- Quentin Crisp 33535% 33536Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. 33537 -- Mark Twain 33538% 33539Nothing succeeds like excess. 33540 -- Oscar Wilde 33541% 33542Nothing succeeds like success. 33543 -- Alexandre Dumas 33544% 33545Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success. 33546 -- Christopher Lascl 33547% 33548Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. 33549 -- Charlie Brown 33550% 33551Nothing takes the taste out of peanut 33552butter quite like unrequited love. 33553 -- Charlie Brown 33554% 33555Nothing that's forced can ever be right, 33556If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. 33557That's what she said as she turned out the light, 33558And we bent our backs as slaves of the night, 33559Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars 33560She got from trying to fight 33561Saying, oh, you'd better believe it. 33562[...] 33563Well nothing that's real is ever for free 33564And you just have to pay for it sometime. 33565She said it before, she said it to me, 33566I suppose she believed there was nothing to see, 33567But the same old four imaginary walls 33568She'd built for livin' inside 33569I said oh, you just can't mean it. 33570[...] 33571Well nothing that's forced can ever be right, 33572If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. 33573That's what she said as she turned out the light, 33574And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right, 33575But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost 33576The veil that covered her eyes, 33577I said oh, you can leave it. 33578 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It" 33579% 33580Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee. 33581 -- Kim Hubbard 33582% 33583Nothing will ever be attempted 33584if all possible objections must be first overcome. 33585 -- Dr. Johnson 33586% 33587NOTICE: 33588 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will 33589 be summarily put out. 33590% 33591NOTICE: 33592 33593-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY -- 33594 33595(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.) 33596% 33597Nouvelle cuisine, n: 33598 French for "not enough food". 33599 33600Continental breakfast, n: 33601 English for "not enough food". 33602 33603Tapas, n: 33604 Spanish for "not enough food". 33605 33606Dim Sum, n: 33607 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life. 33608% 33609November: 33610 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 33611% 33612Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: 33613 33614 When comes the revolution, things will be different -- 33615 not better, just different. 33616% 33617Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. 33618% 33619Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; 33620Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure. 33621 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" 33622% 33623Now I lay me back to sleep. 33624The speaker's dull; the subject's deep. 33625If he should stop before I wake, 33626Give me a nudge for goodness' sake. 33627 -- Anonymous 33628% 33629Now I lay me down to sleep 33630I pray the double lock will keep; 33631May no brick through the window break, 33632And, no one rob me till I awake. 33633% 33634Now I lay me down to sleep, 33635I pray the Lord my soul to keep, 33636If I should die before I wake, 33637I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!" 33638% 33639Now I lay me down to study, 33640I pray the Lord I won't go nutty. 33641And if I fail to learn this junk, 33642I pray the Lord that I won't flunk. 33643But if I do, don't pity me at all, 33644Just lay my bones in the study hall. 33645Tell my teacher I've done my best, 33646Then pile my books upon my chest. 33647% 33648Now is the time for all good men to come to. 33649 -- Walt Kelly 33650% 33651Now is the time for drinking; 33652now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot. 33653 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 33654% 33655Now it's time to say goodbye 33656To all our company... 33657M-I-C (see you next week!) 33658K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!) 33659M-O-U-S-E. 33660% 33661Now of my threescore years and ten, 33662Twenty will not come again, 33663And take from seventy springs a score, 33664It leaves me only fifty more. 33665 33666And since to look at things in bloom 33667Fifty springs are little room, 33668About the woodlands I will go 33669To see the cherry hung with snow. 33670 -- A.E. Housman 33671% 33672Now that day wearies me, 33673My yearning desire 33674Will receive more kindly, 33675Like a tired child, the starry night. 33676 33677Hands, leave off your deeds, 33678Mind, forget all thoughts; 33679All of my forces 33680Yearn only to sink into sleep. 33681 33682And my soul, unguarded, 33683Would soar on widespread wings, 33684To live in night's magical sphere 33685More profoundly, more variously. 33686 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep" 33687% 33688Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time 33689some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug 33690her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee 33691cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions: 33692 336931: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food? 336942: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich 33695 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 336963: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed... 33697 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the 33698 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make 33699 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.) 33700 33701That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. 33702% 33703Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called 33704Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that 33705were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST... 33706% 33707Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide," 33708or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought." 33709 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ. 33710% 33711Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game: 33712you can win or you can lose or it can rain. 33713 -- Casey Stengel 33714% 33715Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it 33716over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall, 33717the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall 33718public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children 33719emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who 33720befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then 33721melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who, 33722because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other 33723reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity? 33724Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive 33725reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as 33726if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a 33727tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, 33728you should shop quickly. 33729 -- Dave Barry 33730% 33731Nowlan's Theory: 33732 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from 33733 the next freeway exit. 33734% 33735Now's the time to have some big ideas 33736Now's the time to make some firm decisions 33737We saw the Buddha in a bar down south 33738Talking politics and nuclear fission 33739We see him and he's all washed up -- 33740Moving on into the body of a beetle 33741Getting ready for a long long crawl 33742He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all... 33743 33744Death and Money make their point once more 33745In the shape of Philosophical assassins 33746Mark and Danny take the bus uptown 33747Deadly angels for reality and passion 33748Have the courage of the here and now 33749Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas 33750When you think you got it paid in full 33751You got nothing -- you got nothing at all... 33752 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. 33753 We know his name and he mustn't get away. 33754 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. 33755 It would take one shot -- to blow him away... 33756 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah" 33757% 33758Nuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years. 33759 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation, 33760 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York 33761 Times, June 10, 1955. 33762% 33763[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. 33764 -- Edwin Meese III 33765% 33766Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of 33767normal routines, for children and adults alike. 33768 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack" 33769% 33770Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. 33771% 33772Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus. 33773% 33774Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark. 33775% 33776(null cookie; hope that's ok) 33777% 33778Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. 33779 -- Seneca 33780% 33781Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. 33782% 33783Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid. 33784Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together. 33785Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating? 33786Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other. 33787% 33788Nusbaum's Rule: 33789 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the 33790 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the 33791 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted 33792 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.) 33793% 33794O! If I were a fish 33795I'd lay hap'ly on my dish. 33796Yes, that's my one and only wish -- 33797To be a fish! 33798 33799For fish don't ever mish; 33800They needn't flush after they pish! 33801Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish, 33802For all the fish!!! 33803% 33804O give me a home, 33805Where the buffalo roam, 33806Where the deer and the antelope play, 33807Where seldom is heard 33808A discouraging word, 33809'Cause what can an antelope say? 33810% 33811O imitators, you slavish herd! 33812 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 33813% 33814O, it is excellent 33815To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous 33816To use it like a giant. 33817 -- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2 33818% 33819O Lord, grant that we may always be right, 33820for Thou knowest we will never change our minds. 33821% 33822O love, could thou and I with fate conspire 33823To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire, 33824Might we not smash it to bits 33825And mould it closer to our hearts' desire? 33826 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald 33827% 33828Oatmeal raisin. 33829% 33830Objects are lost only because people 33831look where they are not rather than where they are. 33832% 33833O'Brian's Law: 33834 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. 33835% 33836O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the 33837thumb hidden and the four fingers extended. 33838 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?" 33839 "Four." 33840 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five -- 33841 then how many?" 33842 "Four." 33843 The word ended in a gasp of pain. 33844 -- George Orwell 33845% 33846Observe yon plumed biped fine. 33847To activate its captivation, 33848Deposit on its termination, 33849A quantity of particles saline. 33850% 33851Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal. 33852% 33853"Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred." 33854 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28, 33855 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view 33856 of the grandstands. 33857% 33858Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide. 33859% 33860OCCAM'S ERASER: 33861 The philosophical principle that even the simplest 33862 solution is bound to have something wrong with it. 33863% 33864OCCIDENT: 33865 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is 33866 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the 33867 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, 33868 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, 33869 are the principal industries of the Orient. 33870 -- Ambrose Bierce 33871% 33872OCEAN: 33873 A body of water occupying about two-thirds 33874 of a world made for man -- who has no gills. 33875% 33876Odets, where is thy sting? 33877 -- George S. Kaufman 33878% 33879Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. 33880% 33881Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: 33882to know so much and have control over nothing. 33883 -- Herodotus 33884% 33885Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. 33886 -- Plato 33887% 33888Of all the words of witch's doom 33889There's none so bad as which and whom. 33890The man who kills both which and whom 33891Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. 33892 -- Fletcher Knebel 33893% 33894Of all things man is the measure. 33895 -- Protagoras 33896% 33897Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between 33898husband and wife. 33899% 33900Of course it's possible to love a human being 33901if you don't know them too well. 33902 -- Charles Bukowski 33903% 33904Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power 33905tools aren't soluble in alcohol... 33906 -- Crazy Nigel 33907% 33908Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. 33909% 33910Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon. 33911After awhile you'd run out of air to push against. 33912% 33913Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose. 33914% 33915Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of 33916TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer. 33917% 33918Office Automation: 33919 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office 33920 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. 33921% 33922Official Project Stages: 33923 1. Uncritical Acceptance 33924 2. Wild Enthusiasm 33925 3. Dejected Disillusionment 33926 4. Total Confusion 33927 5. Search for the Guilty 33928 6. Punishment of the Innocent 33929 7. Promotion of the Non-participants 33930% 33931Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses 33932lampposts -- for support rather than illumination. 33933% 33934Often things ARE as bad as they seem! 33935% 33936Ogden's Law: 33937 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. 33938% 33939Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home! 33940% 33941Oh, by the way, which one's Pink? 33942 -- Pink Floyd 33943% 33944Oh don't the days seem lank and long 33945When all goes right and none goes wrong, 33946And isn't your life extremely flat 33947With nothing whatever to grumble at! 33948% 33949Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do? 33950They're burning our streets and beating me blue. 33951"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth: 33952Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes." 33953 33954Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove, 33955I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth. 33956"Now listen my son, although you're confused, 33957Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes." 33958 33959Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share. 33960What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare? 33961"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware. 33962Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair." 33963 33964Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care? 33965Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair? 33966"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair: 33967Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair." 33968% 33969Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me 33970As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee. 33971Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes, 33972And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, 33973Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon, 33974 see if I don't. 33975 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz 33976% 33977Oh, give me a home, 33978Where the buffalo roam, 33979And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen. 33980% 33981Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus 33982 Where the three-body problem is solved, 33983 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K, 33984 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus) 33985We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high, 33986 Our ball bearings are perfectly round. 33987 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed, 33988 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus) 33989If we run out of space for our burgeoning race 33990 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch 33991 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart, 33992 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus) 33993I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space, 33994 And living up here is a bore. 33995 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye 33996 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus) 33997 33998CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange, 33999 Where the space debris always collects, 34000 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams: 34001 Solar power and zero-gee sex. 34002 -- to Home on the Range 34003% 34004Oh give me your pity! 34005I'm on a committee, We attend and amend 34006Which means that from morning And contend and defend 34007 to night, Without a conclusion in sight. 34008 34009We confer and concur, 34010We defer and demur, We revise the agenda 34011And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda 34012 And consider a load of reports. 34013 34014We compose and propose, 34015We suppose and oppose, But though various notions 34016And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions, 34017 There's terribly little gets done. 34018 34019We resolve and absolve; 34020But we never dissolve, 34021Since it's out of the question for us 34022To bring our committee 34023To end like this ditty, 34024Which stops with a period, thus. 34025 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee" 34026% 34027"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the 34028dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time 34029and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but, 34030you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the 34031ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he 34032wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning 34033last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and 34034buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them. 34035He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth 34036and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for 34037their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for 34038another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa 34039said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't 34040know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog." 34041 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning" 34042% 34043Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 34044 I muck with indices and structs all day 34045And when it works, I shout hoo-ray 34046 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 34047% 34048Oh, I am just a typical American boy 34049From a typical American town. 34050I believe in God and Senator Dodd 34051And keeping old Castro down. 34052And when it came my time to serve 34053I knew better dead than red, 34054But when I got to my old draft board, 34055Buddy this is what I said: 34056 34057Sarge I'm only 18, I got a ruptured spleen 34058And I always carry a purse; 34059I got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat 34060And my asthma's getting worse. 34061Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear 34062And my poor old invalid aunt; 34063Besides I ain't no fool I'm going to school 34064And I'm working in a defense plant. 34065 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag" 34066% 34067Oh, I could while away the hours, 34068Smoking herbs and flowers, 34069Shooting up my veins, 34070 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum 34071Tell you, I've been a-thinkin' 34072I could drive a shiny Lincoln, 34073If I dealt in good cocaine. 34074 -- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz" 34075% 34076Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd 34077be irresponsible, too. 34078 -- Lichty & Wagner 34079% 34080Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, 34081And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; 34082Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth 34083Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things 34084You have not dreamed of -- 34085Wheeled and soared and swung 34086High in the sunlit silence. 34087Hovering there 34088I've chased the shouting wind along and flung 34089My eager craft through footless halls of air. 34090Up, up along delirious, burning blue 34091I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, 34092Where never lark, or even eagle flew; 34093And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod 34094The high untrespassed sanctity of space, 34095Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. 34096 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" 34097% 34098Oh I'm just a typical American boy 34099From a typical American town. 34100I believe in God and Senator Dodd 34101And keeping old Castro down. 34102And when it came my time to serve 34103I knew "Better Dead Than Red", 34104But when I got to my old draft board, 34105Buddy, this is what I said: 34106 34107Chorus: 34108 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen, 34109 And I always carry a purse! 34110 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat, 34111 And my asthma's getting worse! 34112 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear, 34113 And my poor old invalid aunt! 34114 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school 34115 And I'm a-working in a defense plant! 34116 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag" 34117% 34118Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD? 34119My friends all got sources, so why can't I see? 34120Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me: 34121To hell with the lawyers from AT&T! 34122% 34123Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one 34124arch-enemy -- and that is life. 34125 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele" 34126% 34127Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts -- 34128it's what you do with what you have left. 34129 -- Hubert H. Humphrey 34130% 34131Oh, so there you are! 34132% 34133Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea. 34134He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me. 34135No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee. 34136He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! 34137 -- The Smothers Brothers 34138% 34139Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is. 34140 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 34141% 34142Oh wearisome condition of humanity! 34143Born under one law, to another bound. 34144 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke 34145% 34146Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. 34147% 34148Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. 34149 -- Shakespeare 34150% 34151Oh, when I was in love with you, 34152 Then I was clean and brave, 34153And miles around the wonder grew 34154 How well did I behave. 34155 34156And now the fancy passes by, 34157 And nothing will remain, 34158And miles around they'll say that I 34159 Am quite myself again. 34160 -- A.E. Housman 34161% 34162Oh, wow! Look at the moon! 34163% 34164Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or 34165you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray 34166J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or 34167you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'... 34168% 34169Oh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean. 34170% 34171Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone. 34172 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane" 34173% 34174O.K., fine. 34175% 34176Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked 34177just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the 34178executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in 34179the code over again, since I also removed the source. 34180% 34181Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill. 34182% 34183Old age is always fifteen years old than I am. 34184 -- B. Baruch 34185% 34186Old age is the harbor of all ills. 34187 -- Bion 34188% 34189Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. 34190 -- Trotsky 34191% 34192Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity. 34193% 34194Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on. 34195% 34196Old Japanese proverb: 34197 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji, 34198and those who climb it twice. 34199% 34200Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. 34201% 34202Old mail has arrived. 34203% 34204Old men are fond of giving good advice to console 34205themselves for their inability to set a bad example. 34206 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 34207% 34208Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard 34209To fetch her poor daughter a dress. 34210When she got there, the cupboard was bare 34211And so was her daughter, I guess... 34212% 34213Old musicians never die, they just decompose. 34214% 34215Old programmers never die, they just become managers. 34216% 34217Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address. 34218% 34219Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit. 34220% 34221Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. 34222% 34223Old timer, n: 34224 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization. 34225% 34226Oliver's Law: 34227 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 34228% 34229omnibiblious, adj.: 34230 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. 34231 I'm omnibiblious." 34232% 34233On a clear day, U.C.L.A. 34234% 34235On a clear disk you can seek forever. 34236 -- P. Denning 34237% 34238On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: 34239 34240"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." 34241 -- Wolfgang Pauli 34242% 34243On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on 34244a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir. 34245 34246[One is always a little afraid of love, but 34247above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.] 34248% 34249On ability: 34250 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top; 34251 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well. 34252 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD 34253% 34254On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 34255nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 34256what it does. 34257 -- Will Rogers 34258% 34259On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 34260nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 34261what it does. 34262 -- The Best of Will Rogers 34263% 34264On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one 34265car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of 34266the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris. 34267 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let 34268you come any closer." 34269 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man 34270explained. 34271 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a 34272decapitation." 34273 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and 34274pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?" 34275 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much 34276taller." 34277% 34278On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the 34279proposition that all men are created jerks. 34280 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 34281% 34282On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the 34283same moment -- halftime. 34284% 34285On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN. 34286% 34287On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little 34288girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and 34289Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh, 34290and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood." 34291% 34292On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT. 34293% 34294On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without 34295a purpose, but never without a POINT. 34296% 34297On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. 34298 -- W.C. Fields' epitaph 34299% 34300On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr. 34301Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers 34302come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of 34303ideas that could provoke such a question. 34304 -- Charles Babbage 34305% 34306Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, 34307and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. 34308 -- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" 34309% 34310Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. 34311 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 34312% 34313Once, adv.: Enough. 34314% 34315Once again dread deed is done. 34316Canon sleeps, 34317his all-knowing eye shaded 34318to human chance and circumstance. 34319Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley, 34320but Canon's sleep is troubled. 34321 34322Beware, scant days past the Ides of July. 34323Impatient hands wait eagerly 34324to grasp, to hold 34325scant moments of time 34326wrested from life in the full 34327glory of Canon's power; 34328held captive by his unblinking eye. 34329 34330Three golden orbs stand watch; 34331one each to toll the day, hour, minute 34332until predestiny decrees his reawakening. 34333When that feared moment arives, 34334"Ask not for whom the bell tolls, 34335It tolls for thee." 34336 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine 34337 Valley Pawn Shop today" 34338% 34339Once Again From the Top 34340 34341Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously 34342reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman 34343in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and 34344lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular 34345homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that 34346he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on 34347George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published 34348inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the 34349lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with 34350vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson. 34351The Herald regrets the errors." 34352 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987 34353% 34354Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each 34355of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. 34356 In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians 34357called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and 34358went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing 34359each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" 34360or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" 34361... 34362 Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you 34363with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers 34364have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and 34365they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your 34366children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; 34367that ought to shut them up. 34368 -- Dave Barry 34369% 34370Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, 34371that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli 34372replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your 34373mistress". 34374% 34375Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. 34376 -- Homer 34377% 34378Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his 34379roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the 34380forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind 34381the railroad yards." 34382 -- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, 34383 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution 34384 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925. 34385% 34386Once I finally figured out all of life's 34387answers, they changed the questions. 34388% 34389Once, I read that a man be never stronger 34390than when he truly realizes how weak he is. 34391 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31" 34392% 34393Once is happenstance, 34394Twice is coincidence, 34395Three times is enemy action. 34396 -- Auric Goldfinger 34397% 34398Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to 34399sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer. 34400% 34401Once Law was sitting on the bench 34402 And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 34403"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! 34404 Nor come before me creeping. 34405Upon you knees if you appear, 34406'Tis plain you have no standing here." 34407 34408Then Justice came. His Honor cried: 34409 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" 34410"Amica curiae," she replied -- 34411 "Friend of the court, so please you." 34412"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- 34413I never saw your face before!" 34414% 34415Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings 34416infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can 34417grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it 34418possible for each to see each other whole against the sky. 34419 -- Rainer Rilke 34420% 34421Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in. 34422 -- H.R. Haldeman 34423% 34424Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail, 34425And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail, 34426And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool, 34427He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!) 34428And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat, 34429He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat, 34430And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout! 34431 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out! 34432And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog, 34433And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god, 34434The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed, 34435But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed! 34436Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace, 34437And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste, 34438But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt", 34439 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out! 34440When the day is done and the moon comes out, 34441And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count, 34442When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey, 34443And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay, 34444You must mind the file protections and not snoop around, 34445 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down! 34446% 34447Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during 34448a portion of Beethovan's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin 34449parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So, 34450to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the 34451end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the 34452page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more 34453inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he 34454was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth; 34455the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out. 34456% 34457Once upon a time there... 34458% 34459Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants 34460were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was 34461to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If 34462the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would 34463just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family 34464of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful 34465sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable 34466possession. And the moral of the story is: 34467 34468The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that 34469hit you. 34470% 34471Once upon this midnight incoherent, 34472While you pondered sentient and crystalline, 34473Over many a broken and subordinate 34474Volume of gnarly lore, 34475While I pestered, nearly singing, 34476Sudddenly there came a hewing, 34477As of someone profusely skulking, 34478Skulking at my chamber door. 34479% 34480Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. 34481% 34482Once you've tried to change the world you find 34483it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind. 34484% 34485"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket". 34486% 34487One Bell System - it sometimes works. 34488% 34489One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension! 34490% 34491One Bell System - it works. 34492% 34493One big pile is better than two little piles. 34494 -- Arlo Guthrie 34495% 34496One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar. 34497 -- Helen Keller 34498% 34499One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the 34500mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God. 34501 -- J. Gustav White 34502% 34503One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing 34504how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. 34505% 34506One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. 34507% 34508One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast 34509to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, 34510a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also 34511just stupid. 34512 -- J.D. Watson, "The Double Helix" 34513% 34514One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his 34515attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke. 34516 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For 34517releasing me I will grant you three wishes." 34518 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan 34519resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish 34520border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home." 34521 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?" 34522 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the 34523Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade, 34524and march back home." 34525 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?" 34526 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---" 34527 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march 34528to Poland three times and never invade?" 34529 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times." 34530% 34531One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were 34532flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane 34533developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three 34534parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of 34535the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers 34536revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then 34537Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the 34538world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if 34539you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that 34540there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope 34541looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive 34542life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's 34543very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan 34544just jumped out with my knapsack." 34545% 34546One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the 34547truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced, 34548"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question 34549which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the 34550guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative 34551is death by hanging." 34552 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows." 34553 "I don't believe you." 34554 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!" 34555 "But that would make it the truth!" 34556 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." 34557% 34558One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and 34559decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a 34560mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some 34561way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could 34562make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks 34563this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself. 34564 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any 34565success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes, 34566actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but 34567there a number of details to be figured out. 34568 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house, 34569looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have 34570some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right 34571track." 34572 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by 34573pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his 34574eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing 34575the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from 34576behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO 34577IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!! 34578And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple 34579harmonic motion..." 34580% 34581One day, 34582A mad meta-poet, 34583With nothing to say, 34584Wrote a mad meta-poem 34585That started: "One day, 34586A mad meta-poet, 34587With nothing to say, 34588Wrote a mad meta-poem 34589That started: "One day, 34590[...] 34591sort of close". 34592Were the words that the poet, 34593Finally chose, 34594To bring his mad poem, 34595To some sort of close". 34596Were the words that the poet, 34597Finally chose, 34598To bring his mad poem, 34599To some sort of close". 34600% 34601One difference between a man and a machine 34602is that a machine is quiet when well oiled. 34603% 34604One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. 34605 -- Larry Gelbart 34606% 34607One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick 34608Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car 34609conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the 34610merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see 34611his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar. 34612 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her 34613full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has 34614been havin' all these years." 34615 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary 34616Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is 34617totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the 34618drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and 34619passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact 34620with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty. 34621 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her 34622head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these 34623years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself." 34624% 34625One expresses well the love he does not feel. 34626 -- J.A. Karr 34627% 34628One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it. 34629% 34630One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters. 34631 -- George Herbert 34632% 34633One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. 34634Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, 34635a rivalry of aim. 34636 -- Henry Brook Adams 34637% 34638One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus. 34639 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon" 34640% 34641One good reason why computers can do more work than 34642people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone. 34643% 34644One good suit is worth a thousand resumes. 34645% 34646One good thing about music, 34647Well, it helps you feel no pain. 34648So hit me with music; 34649Hit me with music now. 34650 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock" 34651% 34652One good turn asketh another. 34653 -- John Heywood 34654% 34655One good turn deserves another. 34656 -- Gaius Petronius 34657% 34658One good turn usually gets most of the blanket. 34659% 34660One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines 34661and end up with the atomic bomb. 34662 -- Marcel Pagnol 34663% 34664One hundred women are not worth a single testicle. 34665 -- Confucius 34666% 34667One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. 34668 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) 34669% 34670One is often kept in the right road by a rut. 34671 -- Gustave Droz 34672% 34673ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in 34674ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES. 34675% 34676One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. 34677% 34678One man's constant is another man's variable. 34679 -- A.J. Perlis 34680% 34681One man's folly is another man's wife. 34682 -- Helen Rowland 34683% 34684One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. 34685"Supernatural" is a null word. 34686% 34687One man's Mede is another man's Persian. 34688 -- George M. Cohan 34689% 34690One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. 34691% 34692One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends 34693can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention. 34694 -- Clifton Fadiman 34695% 34696One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it. 34697% 34698One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens 34699without laughing. 34700 -- Oscar Wilde 34701% 34702One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 34703% 34704One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day. 34705% 34706One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from 34707one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 34708percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, 34709simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good, 34710nobody can touch him. 34711 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983 34712% 34713One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an 34714advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from 34715mathematics. 34716 -- N. Wiener 34717% 34718One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old 34719enough to give you presents they make at school. 34720 -- Robert Byrne 34721% 34722One of the large consolations for experiencing anything 34723unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it. 34724 -- Joyce Carol Oates 34725% 34726One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to 34727do and always a clever thing to say. 34728 -- Will Durant 34729% 34730One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with 34731Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just 34732to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't 34733be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending 34734to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't 34735understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was 34736reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the 34737time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be 34738puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be 34739genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about. 34740 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 34741% 34742One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do 34743foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little. 34744 -- Joe Martin 34745% 34746One of the most striking differences between a 34747cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. 34748 -- Mark Twain 34749% 34750One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they 34751need no answer. 34752 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron 34753% 34754One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your 34755seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best 34756way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted 34757in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and 34758imagine they were in Topeka Kansas. 34759% 34760One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he 34761once had a publisher shot. 34762 -- Siegfried Unseld 34763% 34764One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself. 34765% 34766One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a 34767thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with 34768the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing 34769hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and 34770laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can." 34771 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might 34772happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die. 34773And perhaps the horse will learn to sing. 34774 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle 34775% 34776One organism, one vote. 34777% 34778One person's error is another person's data. 34779% 34780One picture is worth 128K words. 34781% 34782One picture is worth more than ten thousand words. 34783 -- Chinese proverb 34784% 34785One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits 34786And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall. 34787And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar 34788Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call. 34789Go ask Alice Call Alice 34790When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small. 34791 34792When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion 34793Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead, 34794And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking 34795 mushroom backwards 34796And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head 34797Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said: 34798I think she'll know. Feed your head. 34799 Feed your head. 34800 Feed your head. 34801 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit" 34802% 34803One planet is all you get. 34804% 34805One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan 34806is that there never was a plan in the first place. 34807% 34808One possible reason why things aren't going 34809according to plan is that there never was a plan. 34810% 34811One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could 34812manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be 34813installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's say your 34814congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how 34815the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet. Just when 34816he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would 34817inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the 34818plane door. It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman 34819proposed a law. ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be 34820designated as Cuticle Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") 34821This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public 34822would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem 34823is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 34824members of congress. 34825% 34826One reason why George Washington 34827Is held in such veneration: 34828He never blamed his problems 34829On the former Administration. 34830 -- George O. Ludcke 34831% 34832One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there 34833should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles 34834to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some 34835virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded 34836and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously 34837many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that 34838people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach 34839is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes. 34840 -- Ronald Reagan 34841% 34842One seldom sees a monument to a committee. 34843% 34844One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. 34845 -- Oscar Wilde 34846% 34847ONE SIZE FITS ALL: 34848 Doesn't fit anyone. 34849% 34850One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind. 34851% 34852One thing about the past. 34853It's likely to last. 34854 -- Ogden Nash 34855% 34856ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take 34857my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out 34858warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and 34859cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. 34860 34861I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty 34862late. 34863 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 34864% 34865One thing the inventors can't seem to 34866get the bugs out of is fresh paint. 34867% 34868One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that 34869sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer 34870terror. 34871 -- W.K. Hartmann 34872% 34873One thought driven home is better than three left on base. 34874% 34875One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the 34876speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't 34877going to be out that long." 34878 -- Steven Wright 34879% 34880One toke over the line, sweet Mary, 34881One toke over the line, 34882Sittin' downtown in a railway station, 34883One toke over the line. 34884Waitin' for the train that goes home, 34885Hopin' that the train is on time, 34886Sittin' downtown in a railway station, 34887One toke over the line. 34888% 34889One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him. 34890% 34891One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at 34892the stake while the votes were being counted. 34893 -- Thomas B. Reed 34894% 34895One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so, 34896because they bite. 34897 -- Vladimir Lenin 34898% 34899One-Shot Case Study, n: 34900 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which 34901it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green. 34902% 34903On-line: 34904 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer. 34905% 34906Only a fool has no doubts. 34907% 34908Only a mediocre person is always at his best. 34909 -- Laurence Peter 34910% 34911Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. 34912% 34913Only fools are quoted. 34914 -- Anonymous 34915% 34916Only God can make random selections. 34917% 34918Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. 34919 -- Oscar Wilde 34920 34921Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style. 34922 -- The Unnamed Usenetter 34923% 34924Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four 34925essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. 34926 -- Alex Levine 34927 34928[Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are 34929hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.] 34930% 34931Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right 34932to use the editorial "we". 34933% 34934Only someone with nothing to be sorry for 34935smiles back at the rear of an elephant. 34936% 34937Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying. 34938 -- Baba Ram Dass 34939% 34940Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by 34941placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer," 34942and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn 34943food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours 34944unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS 34945and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a 34946modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power 34947that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail, 34948postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of 34949the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts. 34950May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply. 34951 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83 34952% 34953Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core. 34954 -- Hannah Arendt 34955% 34956Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are 34957busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely. 34958 -- Lao Tsu 34959% 34960Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women. 34961% 34962Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where 34963a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything 34964or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who 34965happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their 34966windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing 34967peacefully on his balcony a few yards away. 34968 -- Sicilian police officer 34969% 34970Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one 34971of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him. 34972% 34973Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer. 34974% 34975Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. 34976% 34977Onward through the fog. 34978% 34979Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am. 34980% 34981Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes. 34982 -- Debbie VanDam 34983% 34984Opium is very cheap considering you don't 34985feel like eating for the next six days. 34986 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite 34987% 34988Oppernockity tunes but once. 34989% 34990Opportunities are usually disguised as hard 34991work, so most people don't recognize them. 34992% 34993Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the wierdest people to 34994talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority, 34995crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love 34996them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey." 34997% 34998Optimism is the content of small men in high places. 34999 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up" 35000% 35001Optimism, n: 35002The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad, 35003and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by 35004those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded 35005with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible 35006to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment 35007but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious. 35008% 35009OPTIMIST: 35010 A proponent of the belief that black is white. 35011 35012 A pessimist asked God for relief. 35013 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. 35014 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that 35015would justify them." 35016 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked 35017something -- the mortality of the optimist." 35018 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 35019% 35020OPTIMIST: 35021 Someone who goes down to the marriage 35022 bureau to see if his license has expired. 35023% 35024optimist, n: 35025 A bagpiper with a beeper. 35026% 35027Optimization hinders evolution. 35028% 35029Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. 35030I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but 35031we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. 35032 -- J. Wellington Wells 35033% 35034Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail. 35035 -- Germaine Greer 35036% 35037Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup). 35038% 35039Order and simplification are the first steps toward 35040mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown. 35041 -- Thomas Mann 35042% 35043OREGON: 35044 Eighty billion gallons of water with 35045 no place to go on Saturday night. 35046% 35047O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: 35048Cleanliness is next to impossible 35049% 35050Oreo 35051% 35052Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. 35053Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. 35054 -- Mike Adams 35055% 35056Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born 35057to people you could not have possibly met. 35058 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 35059% 35060Osborn's Law: 35061 Variables won't; constants aren't. 35062% 35063Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? 35064% 35065Other women cloy 35066The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry 35067Where most she satisfies. 35068 -- Antony and Cleopatra 35069% 35070Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently. 35071% 35072Others will look to you for stability, 35073so hide when you bite your nails. 35074% 35075O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: 35076 Murphy was an optimist. 35077% 35078Ouch! That felt good! 35079 -- Karen Gordon 35080% 35081"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big 35082system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'" 35083 35084"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make 35085any difference if it takes a while to fix it." 35086 -- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988 35087% 35088Our business in life is not to succeed 35089but to continue to fail in high spirits. 35090 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 35091% 35092Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the 35093local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substational cash 35094award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning. 35095His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year 35096by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own, 35097home-made, hand-held model. 35098 35099Not suprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit 35100to the Pentagon free of charge: 35101 35102 a. Don't kill anybody. 35103 b. Don't build things that do. 35104 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody. 35105 35106We expect annual savings to be in the billions. 35107 -- Sojourners 35108% 35109Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, 35110but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them. 35111% 35112Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office. 35113He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both 35114holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only 35115*he* had a lollipop. 35116 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" 35117 Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's 35118what it means to be a programmer." 35119% 35120Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a 35121continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national 35122emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we 35123did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded. 35124Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never 35125to have been quite real. 35126 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 35127% 35128Our houseplants have a good sense of humous. 35129% 35130Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide. 35131 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte 35132% 35133Our little systems have their day; 35134They have their day and cease to be; 35135They are but broken lights of thee. 35136 -- Tennyson 35137% 35138Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. 35139Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, 35140In kernel as it is in user. 35141% 35142Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us 35143to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the 35144rain, we were punished. 35145 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic 35146% 35147Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. 35148 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries 35149% 35150Our problems are so serious that the best 35151way to talk about them is lightheartedly. 35152% 35153Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'. 35154We their sons are more worthless than they: 35155so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt. 35156 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 35157% 35158Our swords shall play the orators for us. 35159 -- Christopher Marlowe 35160% 35161Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, 35162In all of the directions it can whiz; 35163As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, 35164Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. 35165So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, 35166How amazingly unlikely is your birth; 35167And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, 35168'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! 35169 -- Monty Python 35170% 35171Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. 35172 -- General Omar N. Bradley 35173% 35174Ours is a world where people don't know what they 35175want and are willing to go through hell to get it. 35176% 35177Out of sight is out of mind. 35178 -- Arthur Clough 35179% 35180Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made. 35181 -- Immanuel Kant 35182% 35183Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal. 35184% 35185Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too 35186dark to read. 35187% 35188Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too 35189dark to read. 35190 -- Groucho Marx 35191% 35192Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too 35193dark to read. 35194 -- Groucho Marx 35195% 35196Over the shoulder supervision is more a 35197need of the manager than the programming task. 35198% 35199Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two 35200complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through 35201rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining 35202errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this 35203design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the 35204result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the 35205problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the 35206system. 35207 -- A.L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage 35208 Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and 35209 Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4. 35210% 35211Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will 35212continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually 35213powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the 35214victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking 35215move?' 35216 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course" 35217% 35218Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! 35219% 35220Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. 35221% 35222Overheard: 35223 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!" 35224% 35225Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. 35226% 35227Owe no man any thing... 35228 -- Romans 13:8 35229% 35230Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in 35231concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the 35232oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very 35233much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher 35234concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it 35235takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason 35236for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of 35237oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex 35238process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is 35239always fatal. 35240 35241However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the 35242fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is 35243sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any 35244considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with 35245symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning. 35246 35247Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in 35248the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be 35249due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings 35250in question. 35251 35252Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and 35253tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is 35254too late. 35255 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956 35256% 35257Ozman's Laws: 35258 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. 35259 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. 35260 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 35261 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. 35262% 35263paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a 35264 a vehicle) for a time in a certain location. 35265patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant. 35266Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year. 35267shua, n: Having no doubt; certain. 35268sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker. 35269tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads 35270 or as a vegetable. 35271troopa, n: A state policeman. 35272Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts. 35273yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building. 35274 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 35275% 35276PAIN: 35277 Falling out of a twenty story building, 35278 and snagging your eyelid on a nail. 35279% 35280PAIN: 35281 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive! 35282% 35283PAIN: 35284 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol. 35285% 35286Pain is just God's way of hurting you. 35287% 35288Pandora's Rule: 35289 Never open a box you didn't close. 35290% 35291panic: can't find / 35292% 35293panic: kernal segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding) 35294% 35295Paprika Measure: 35296 35297 2 dashes == 1smidgen 35298 2 smidgens == 1 pinch 35299 3 pinches == 1 soupcon 35300 2 soupcons == too much paprika 35301% 35302Paralysis through analysis. 35303% 35304PARANOIA: 35305 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works. 35306% 35307Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you. 35308% 35309Paranoia is heightened awareness. 35310% 35311Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. 35312% 35313Paranoid Club meeting this Friday. 35314Now ... just try to find out where! 35315% 35316Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy 35317to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. 35318 -- D.J. Hicks 35319% 35320Pardon me while I laugh. 35321% 35322Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they 35323didn't have much of anything to do with it. 35324% 35325Parkinson's Fifth Law: 35326 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good 35327 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 35328% 35329Parkinson's Fourth Law: 35330 The number of people in any working group tends to increase 35331 regardless of the amount of work to be done. 35332% 35333Parsley is gharsley. 35334 -- Ogden Nash 35335% 35336Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. 35337% 35338PARTY: 35339 A gathering where you meet people who drink 35340 so much you can't even remember their names. 35341% 35342Pascal: 35343 A programming language named after a man who would turn over 35344 in his grave if he knew about it. 35345 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984 35346% 35347Pascal: 35348 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his 35349 grave if he knew about it. 35350% 35351Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty. 35352 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan 35353% 35354Pascal is not a high-level language. 35355 -- Steven Feiner 35356% 35357Pascal Users: 35358 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. 35359 Please modify your programs accordingly. 35360% 35361Pascal Users: 35362 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the 35363 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. 35364% 35365Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. 35366 -- Eric Hoffer 35367% 35368Password: 35369% 35370Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity. 35371% 35372Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being 35373 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises... 35374 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't 35375 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most 35376 CREEPING things... 35377Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars? 35378P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone 35379 can get in. 35380A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff! 35381P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED 35382 CATERPILLARS! 35383[...] 35384P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat 35385 a LITTLE SQUIRREL? 35386A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day. 35387P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya? 35388A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the 35389 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry. 35390P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick! 35391A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh) 35392 par for the course, Charlie. 35393 -- Firesign Theatre 35394% 35395Patch griefs with proverbs. 35396 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" 35397% 35398patent: 35399 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them. 35400% 35401"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic." 35402(crosses stream) 35403"As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side." 35404 -- Eyeore 35405% 35406Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue. 35407 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers 35408% 35409Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. 35410 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 35411% 35412Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. 35413 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell 35414 35415In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last 35416resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but 35417inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 35418 -- Ambrose Bierce 35419 35420When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel, 35421he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform. 35422 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling 35423 35424Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel. 35425 -- Boies Penrose 35426% 35427Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. 35428 -- Oscar Wilde 35429% 35430Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.) 35431 -- Gauss 35432% 35433Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. 35434% 35435Paulg's Law: 35436 In America, it's not how much an 35437 item costs, it's how much you save. 35438% 35439Paul's Law: 35440 You can't fall off the floor. 35441% 35442Pause for storage relocation. 35443% 35444paycheck: 35445 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal 35446 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA, 35447 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance, 35448 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions. 35449% 35450Payeen to a Twang 35451Derrida 35452Ore-Ida 35453potato. 35454 35455If you dared, 35456I'd ask you 35457to go dig 35458up your ides under brown- 35459tubered skies. 35460 35461where pitchforked 35462you will ask 35463Derrida? 35464% 35465Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it. 35466% 35467Peace cannot be kept by force; it 35468can only be achieved by understanding. 35469 -- A. Einstein 35470% 35471Peace is much more precious than a piece 35472of land... let there be no more wars. 35473 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981 35474% 35475Peace, n: 35476 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two 35477 periods of fighting. 35478 -- Ambrose Bierce 35479% 35480Peanut Blossoms 35481 354824 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 354834 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 354844 cups shortening 14 cups flour 354858 eggs 4 tsp. soda 354864 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt 35487 35488Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased 35489cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top 35490each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly 35491to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot. 35492% 35493Pecor's Health-Food Principle: 35494 Never eat rutabaga on any day of 35495 the week that has a "y" in it. 35496% 35497pediddel: 35498 A car with only one working headlight. 35499 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 35500% 35501Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984 35502when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second 35503baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were 35504diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero, 35505at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager 35506Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous 35507motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third 35508base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball. 35509What is it?" 35510 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I 35511hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even 35512Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball 35513to Sax.'" 35514 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 35515% 35516Peeping Tom: 35517 A window fan. 35518% 35519Peers's Law: 35520The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. 35521% 35522Pelorat sighed. 35523 "I will never understand people." 35524 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look 35525at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have 35526worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was -- 35527if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people 35528weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand 35529people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself 35530-- no offense intended." 35531 -- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge" 35532% 35533Penguin Trivia #46: 35534 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. 35535% 35536PENGUINICITY!! 35537% 35538pension: 35539 A federally insured chain letter. 35540% 35541People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of 35542attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to 35543suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the 35544case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their 35545only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable 35546tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush. 35547 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 35548% 35549People are always available for work in the past tense. 35550% 35551People are beginning to notice you. 35552Try dressing before you leave the house. 35553% 35554People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry. 35555% 35556People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects. 35557% 35558People don't change; they only become more so. 35559% 35560People don't make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times, 35561four times... 35562% 35563People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three 35564times, four time, five times... 35565% 35566People in general do not willingly read 35567if they have anything else to amuse them. 35568 -- S. Johnson 35569% 35570People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible. 35571 -- The Best of Will Rogers 35572% 35573People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an 35574election. 35575 -- Otto Von Bismarck 35576% 35577People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction 35578rather than surrender any material part of their advantage. 35579 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 35580% 35581People often find it easier to be a 35582result of the past than a cause of the future. 35583% 35584People respond to people who respond. 35585% 35586People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they 35587*know* me there! 35588 -- D.L. Roth 35589% 35590People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people 35591have been left out on the pleasure. 35592 -- Russell Baker 35593% 35594People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here," 35595absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the 35596public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in 35597the concentration camps. 35598% 35599People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. 35600% 35601People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something 35602to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for 35603it too. 35604% 35605People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. 35606 -- Ken Kesey 35607% 35608People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed. 35609% 35610People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get 35611much better press than people who are just funny and smart. 35612 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" 35613% 35614People who claim they don't let little things bother 35615them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito. 35616% 35617People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes. 35618 -- Abigail Van Buren 35619% 35620People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 35621% 35622People who have no faults are terrible; 35623there is no way of taking advantage of them. 35624% 35625People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't 35626what they want that they don't want it. 35627 -- Ogden Nash 35628% 35629People who have what they want are very fond of telling 35630people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. 35631 -- Ogden Nash 35632% 35633People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything. 35634% 35635People who push both buttons should get their wish. 35636% 35637People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle. 35638% 35639People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have 35640cold baths. 35641% 35642People who think they know everything 35643greatly annoy those of us who do. 35644% 35645People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin 35646Franklin said it first. 35647% 35648People will accept your ideas much more readily if 35649you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. 35650% 35651People will buy anything that's one to a customer. 35652% 35653People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. 35654% 35655People's Action Rules: 35656 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't. 35657 (2) Some people who should, won't. 35658 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will. 35659 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless. 35660 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others. 35661% 35662Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer. 35663 -- R.W. Hamming 35664% 35665Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. 35666[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] 35667or 35668[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.] 35669 -- Aelius Donatus 35670% 35671Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. 35672% 35673perfect guest: 35674 One who makes his host feel at home. 35675% 35676Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer 35677anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. 35678 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 35679% 35680Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything 35681to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. 35682 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 35683% 35684Performance: 35685 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or 35686 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored 35687 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago. 35688% 35689Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. 35690I myself would say that it had merely been detected. 35691 -- Oscar Wilde 35692% 35693Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy 35694poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind. 35695 -- Thomas Macaulay 35696% 35697Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway. 35698% 35699Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would 35700behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in 35701order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's 35702fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.) 35703% 35704Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom. The first is 35705being a bore. 35706 -- Cecil Beaton 35707% 35708Perilous to all of us are the devices of 35709an art deeper than we ourselves possess. 35710 -- Gandalf the Grey 35711% 35712Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be 35713upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be 35714nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable 35715news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does 35716the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been 35717prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a 35718periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the 35719negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a 35720periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible 35721on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis, 35722case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack, 35723nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a 35724proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of 35725civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are 35726by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost 35727indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news 35728instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory 35729developments." 35730 -- Fowler's English Usage 35731% 35732Persistence in one opinion has never been considered 35733a merit in political leaders. 35734 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC 35735% 35736Personifiers of the world, unite! 35737You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 35738 -- Bernadette Bosky 35739% 35740Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 35741% 35742Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; 35743persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting 35744to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author 35745 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer" 35746% 35747pessimist: 35748 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the 35749 wolf from the door. 35750 35751optimist: 35752 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of 35753 his pants. 35754 35755opportunist: 35756 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat. 35757% 35758Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad. 35759Waiter: Who told you? 35760Pete: A little swallow. 35761% 35762Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch. 35763% 35764Peter's Law of Substitution: 35765 Look after the molehills, and the 35766 mountains will look after themselves. 35767 35768Peter's Principle of Success: 35769 Get up one time more than you're knocked down. 35770 35771Peter's Principle: 35772 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of 35773 his incompetence. 35774% 35775Peterson's Admonition: 35776 When you think you're going down for the third time -- 35777 just remember that you may have counted wrong. 35778% 35779Peterson's Rules: 35780 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways 35781 are filled with something sticky. 35782 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one. 35783 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks. 35784 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing. 35785% 35786petribar: 35787 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in 35788 the window of a vending machine too long. 35789 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 35790% 35791Phasers locked on target, Captain. 35792% 35793Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so 35794because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy. 35795% 35796Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. 35797% 35798philosophy: 35799 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends. 35800% 35801philosophy: 35802 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. 35803% 35804Phone call for chucky-pooh. 35805% 35806phosflink: 35807 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that 35808 will bring it back to life). 35809 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 35810% 35811Photographing a volcano is just about 35812the most miserable thing you can do. 35813 -- Robert B. Goodman 35814 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.] 35815% 35816Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the 35817farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than 35818chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock. 35819 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married" 35820% 35821Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream, 35822I wonder how the old folks are tonight, 35823Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face, 35824She left me not knowing what to do. 35825 35826Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you, 35827Carefree Highway, you seen better days, 35828The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes, 35829Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you... 35830 35831Turning back the pages to the times I love best, 35832I wonder if she'll ever do the same, 35833Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied, 35834With knowing I got noone left to blame. 35835Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame... 35836 35837Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep, 35838I wonder if the years have closed her mind, 35839I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free, 35840From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew. 35841 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway" 35842% 35843Pickle's Law: 35844 If Congress must do a painful thing, 35845 the thing must be done in an odd-number year. 35846% 35847Piddle, twiddle, and resolve, 35848Not one damn thing do we solve. 35849 -- 1776 35850% 35851Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square. 35852% 35853Piece of cake! 35854 -- G.S. Koblas 35855% 35856pig, n: 35857 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by 35858 the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is 35859 inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. 35860 -- Ambrose Bierce 35861% 35862Pilfering Treasure property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are 35863ruthless in punishing little thieves. 35864 -- Diogenes 35865% 35866Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs. 35867 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988 35868% 35869Piping down the valleys wild, 35870Piping songs of pleasant glee, 35871On a cloud I saw a child, 35872And he laughing said to me: 35873"Pipe a song about a Lamb!" 35874So I piped with merry cheer. 35875"Piper, pipe that song again;" 35876So I piped: he wept to hear. 35877 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence" 35878% 35879Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently dropped 35880the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician 35881outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot. 35882 -- Love and Rockets 35883% 35884PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) 35885 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed 35886 by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates 35887 and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence 35888 and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to 35889 small animals. 35890% 35891PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) 35892 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American 35893 Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody 35894 else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably 35895 get run over by a bus. 35896% 35897PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20) 35898 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today. 35899 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the 35900 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have 35901 a car. 35902% 35903pixel, n: 35904 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. 35905 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: 35906 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial 35907 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department. 35908% 35909P-K4 35910% 35911PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more 35912to the problem set than to the solution set. 35913 -- E.W. Dijkstra 35914% 35915Plagiarize, plagiarize, 35916Let no man's work evade your eyes, 35917Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, 35918Don't shade your eyes, 35919But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize. 35920Only be sure to call it research. 35921 -- Tom Lehrer 35922% 35923Planet Claire has pink hair. 35924All the trees are red. 35925No one ever dies there. 35926No one has a head.... 35927% 35928Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! 35929Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past! 35930 -- Green Lantern Comics 35931% 35932Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia 35933because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers 35934couldn't compete successfully with poets. 35935 -- Kilgore Trout, "Venus on the Half Shell" 35936% 35937PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP: 35938 What develops when two people get 35939 tired of making love to each other. 35940% 35941Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye. 35942% 35943Please don't put a strain on our friendship 35944by asking me to do something for you. 35945% 35946Please don't recommend me to your friends-- 35947it's difficult enough to cope with you alone. 35948% 35949PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE! 35950 35951Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer, 35952 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment. 35953% 35954Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, 35955I sometimes forget which side I'm on. 35956% 35957Please go away. 35958% 35959Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it. 35960% 35961Please ignore previous fortune. 35962% 35963Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment. 35964% 35965Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself! 35966% 35967Please remain calm, it's no use both of 35968us being hysterical at the same time. 35969% 35970Please stand for the Nation Anthem: 35971 35972 O Canada 35973 Our home and native land 35974 True patriot love 35975 In all thy sons' command 35976 With glowing hearts we see thee rise 35977 The true north strong and free 35978 From far and wide, O Canada 35979 We stand on guard for thee 35980 God keep our land glorious and free 35981 O Canada we stand on guard for thee 35982 O Canada we stand on guard for thee 35983 35984Thank you. You may resume your seat. 35985% 35986Please stand for the National Anthem: 35987 35988 Australian's all, let us rejoice, 35989 For we are young and free. 35990 We've golden soil and wealth for toil 35991 Our home is girt by sea. 35992 Our land abounds in nature's gifts 35993 Of beauty rich and rare. 35994 In history's page, let every stage 35995 Advance Australia Fair. 35996 In joyful strains then let us sing, 35997 Advance Australia Fair. 35998 35999Thank you. You may resume your seat. 36000% 36001Please stand for the National Anthem: 36002 36003 God save our Gracious Queen! 36004 Long live our Noble Queen! 36005 God save the Queen! 36006 Send her victorious, 36007 Happy and glorious, 36008 Long to reign o'er us! 36009 God save the Queen! 36010 36011Thank you. You may resume your seat. 36012% 36013Please stand for the National Anthem: 36014 36015 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light 36016 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? 36017 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight 36018 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? 36019 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, 36020 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. 36021 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave 36022 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? 36023 36024Thank you. You may resume your seat. 36025% 36026Please take note: 36027% 36028Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" 36029until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, 36030we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such. 36031 -- N. Meyrowitz 36032% 36033Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? 36034% 36035PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the 36036solution set. 36037 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 36038% 36039Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're 36040of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain 36041an uncontainable experience. 36042 -- R.S. Knapp 36043% 36044PLUG IT IN!!! 36045% 36046Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose. 36047% 36048Pohl's law: 36049 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. 36050% 36051poisoned coffee, n: 36052 Grounds for divorce. 36053% 36054Poland has gun control. 36055% 36056Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to 36057teach children. 36058 -- W.H. Auden 36059% 36060Political speeches are like steer horns. A point 36061here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween. 36062 -- Alfred E. Neuman 36063% 36064Political television commercials prove one thing: some candidates 36065can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. 36066% 36067POLITICIAN: 36068 From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete' ("head" or 36069 "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face). 36070 Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces. 36071 -- Martin Pitt 36072% 36073Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise 36074to build a bridge even where there is no river. 36075 -- Nikita Khrushchev 36076% 36077Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. 36078 -- Arthur C. Clarke 36079% 36080Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have 36081been, and never will be wrong. 36082 -- Walter Dwight 36083% 36084Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign 36085funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other. 36086 -- Oscar Ameringer 36087% 36088Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and 36089without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in 36090for politics. 36091 -- Albert Camus 36092% 36093Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as 36094dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once. 36095 -- Winston Churchill 36096% 36097Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the 36098systematic organisation of hatreds. 36099 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams" 36100% 36101Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart 36102enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. 36103% 36104Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing 36105between the disastrous and the unpalatable. 36106 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 36107% 36108Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to 36109realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 36110 -- Ronald Reagan 36111% 36112Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next 36113week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to 36114explain why it didn't happen. 36115 -- Winston Churchill 36116% 36117Politics, like religion, hold up the 36118torches of matrydom to the reformers of error. 36119 -- Thomas Jefferson 36120% 36121Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics. 36122 -- Amy Gorin 36123% 36124politics, n: 36125 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. 36126 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. 36127 -- Ambrose Bierce 36128% 36129Pollyanna's Educational Constant: 36130 The hyperactive child is never absent. 36131% 36132POLYGON: 36133 Dead parrot. 36134% 36135Polymer physicists are into chains. 36136% 36137Poorman's Rule: 36138 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser 36139 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to 36140 pull it open. 36141% 36142Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the 36143Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white 36144smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned 36145on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious 36146possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing 36147 36148 Half a pound of tuppenny rice 36149 Half a pound of treacle 36150 That's the way the chimney smokes 36151 Pope Goestheveezl 36152 36153The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter 36154streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic 36155functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant 36156Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653. 36157 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 36158% 36159Populus vult decipi. 36160[The people like to be deceived.] 36161% 36162Porsche; there simply is no substitute. 36163 -- Risky Business 36164% 36165POSITIVE: 36166 Being mistaken at the top of your voice. 36167% 36168Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. 36169 -- Ryan 36170% 36171Post proelium, praemium. 36172[After the battle, the reward.] 36173% 36174Postmen never die, they just lose their zip. 36175% 36176Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: 36177 36178 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's 36179left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world 36180populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to 36181him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable 36182line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!" 36183 36184 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a 36185fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on 36186unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed 36187with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish 36188with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on 36189diets that are driving them crazy. 36190 36191 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same. 36192Except with sour cream. 36193% 36194Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: 36195 36196 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day 36197McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth 36198to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly 36199behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..." 36200 36201 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name, 36202rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover 36203of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and 36204general butter-melting by all. 36205 36206 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter 36207Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater! 36208% 36209POVERTY: 36210 An unfortunate state that persists as long 36211 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have. 36212% 36213Poverty begins at home. 36214% 36215Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many 36216poor people. 36217 -- Don Herold 36218% 36219POWER: 36220 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. 36221% 36222Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. 36223 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987 36224% 36225Power is poison. 36226% 36227Power is the finest token of affection. 36228% 36229Power, like a desolating pestilence, 36230Pollutes whate'er it touches... 36231 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley 36232% 36233Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely. 36234 -- Lord Acton 36235% 36236PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn. 36237% 36238Practical people would be more practical if 36239they would take a little more time for dreaming. 36240 -- J.P. McEvoy 36241% 36242Practical politics consists in ignoring facts. 36243 -- Henry Adams 36244% 36245Practically perfect people never permit 36246sentiment to muddle their thinking. 36247 -- Mary Poppins 36248% 36249Practice is the best of all instructors. 36250 -- Publilius 36251% 36252Practice yourself what you preach. 36253 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 36254% 36255PRAIRIES: 36256 Vast plains covered by treeless forests. 36257% 36258Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. 36259 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur" 36260% 36261Praise the sea; on shore remain. 36262 -- John Florio 36263% 36264pray, n: 36265 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf 36266 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. 36267 -- Ambrose Bierce 36268% 36269Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. 36270 -- Russian Proverb 36271% 36272Predestination was doomed from the start. 36273% 36274Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. 36275 -- Niels Bohr 36276% 36277Prejudice: 36278 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. 36279 -- Ambrose Bierce 36280% 36281Premature optimization is the root of all evil. 36282 -- D.E. Knuth 36283% 36284Preserve the old, but know the new. 36285% 36286Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today! 36287% 36288Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today! 36289% 36290President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic 36291pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. 36292% 36293President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% 36294of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. 36295 -- The Washington Post 36296% 36297Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! 36298% 36299Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: 36300 It's on the other side. 36301% 36302Price's Advice: 36303 It's all a game -- play it to have fun. 36304% 36305[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves 36306the working man, he loves to see him work. 36307 -- Winston Churchill 36308% 36309[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the 36310largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought. 36311 -- Winston Churchill 36312% 36313Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor 36314For having it off with his Mater; 36315 Revenge Dad or not? 36316 That's the gist of the plot, 36317And he did -- nine soliloquies later. 36318 -- Stanley J. Sharpless 36319% 36320Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle 36321taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for 36322all I know. 36323 -- Prof. J.H. Finley '25 36324% 36325Priority: 36326 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often 36327 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't 36328 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less 36329 badly than someone else. 36330% 36331Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion. 36332 -- Blake 36333% 36334Prizes are for children. 36335 -- Charles Ives, 36336 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize 36337% 36338Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. 36339% 36340Probable-Possible, my black hen, 36341She lays eggs in the Relative When. 36342She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now 36343Because she's unable to postulate How. 36344 -- Frederick Winsor 36345% 36346PROBLEM DRINKER: 36347 A man who never buys. 36348% 36349Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training. 36350And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy 36351for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress 36352I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets? 36353 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors 36354% 36355Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. 36356% 36357Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130 36358midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam. 36359Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average 36360has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%. 36361% 36362PROGRAM: 36363 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one 36364 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program," 36365 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation 36366 always justifies hiring at least three more people. 36367% 36368program, n: 36369 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input 36370 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging 36371 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward. 36372% 36373Programmers do it bit by bit. 36374% 36375Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live 36376without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them. 36377 -- D.M. Ritchie 36378% 36379Programming Department: 36380 Mistakes made while you wait. 36381% 36382Programming is an unnatural act. 36383% 36384PROGRESS: 36385 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons 36386 invading the body and taking possession of it. 36387 36388 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria 36389 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction. 36390% 36391Progress is impossible without change, and those who 36392cannot change their minds cannot change anything. 36393 -- G.B. Shaw 36394% 36395Progress means replacing a theory that 36396is wrong with one more subtly wrong. 36397% 36398Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. 36399 -- Ogden Nash 36400% 36401Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. 36402 -- James Thurber 36403% 36404Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded. 36405% 36406Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you. 36407% 36408PROMOTION FROM WITHIN: 36409 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making 36410 level where they can't foul up operations. 36411% 36412Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. 36413% 36414Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. 36415 36416This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction 36417techniques are very popular, even the military use them. 36418 36419SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. 36420 36421 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true 36422for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n 36423as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is 36424trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can 36425take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 becuase it's just about n. 36426 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") 36427% 36428Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. 36429 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. 36430[1] Horses have an even number of legs. 36431[2] They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. 36432[3] This makes a total of six legs, 36433 which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse. 36434[4] But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 36435[5] Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. 36436 36437Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by: 36438 intimidation, 36439 gesticulation (handwaving), 36440 "try it; it works", 36441 constipation (I was just sitting there and...), 36442 blatant assertion, 36443 changing all the 2's to n's, 36444 mutual consent, 36445 lack of a counterexample, and, 36446 "it stands to reason". 36447% 36448Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, 36449but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week. 36450 -- Darrell Huff 36451% 36452Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. 36453 -- Publilius Syrus 36454% 36455Prototype designs always work. 36456 -- Don Vonada 36457% 36458prototype, n. 36459 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by 36460 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, 36461 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the 36462 prototype is not expected to work. 36463% 36464Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities 36465where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf. 36466% 36467Prunes give you a run for your money. 36468% 36469Pryor's Observation: 36470 How long you live has nothing to do 36471 with how long you are going to be dead. 36472% 36473Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' 36474shortcomings. 36475 -- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles" 36476% 36477Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body. 36478% 36479Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself 36480a therapy. 36481 -- Karl Kraus 36482 36483Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd. 36484 36485Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. 36486 -- C.G. Jung 36487% 36488psychologist, n: 36489 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks 36490 into a room. 36491% 36492Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists. 36493Experimental psychologists think they're biologists. 36494Biologists think they're biochemists. 36495Biochemists think they're chemists. 36496Chemists think they're physical chemists. 36497Physical chemists think they're physicists. 36498Physicists think they're theoretical physicists. 36499Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians. 36500Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians. 36501Metamathematicians think they're philosophers. 36502Philosophers think they're gods. 36503% 36504Psychology. Mind over matter. 36505Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. 36506Never mind. 36507% 36508Public use of any portable music system is a 36509virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies. 36510 -- Zoso 36511% 36512Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping 36513a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo. 36514% 36515Pudder's Law: 36516 Anything that begins well will end badly. 36517 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.) 36518% 36519Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa. 36520% 36521Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to 36522spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate 36523that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person 36524on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are 36525thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other 36526passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they 36527have plenty of food and water. 36528 -- Dave Barry 36529% 36530PURGE COMPLETE. 36531% 36532PURITAN: 36533 Someone who is deathly afraid that 36534 someone, somewhere, is having fun. 36535% 36536Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. 36537 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques" 36538% 36539PURPITATION: 36540 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you 36541 don't want it, and then put it in another section. 36542 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 36543% 36544Push where it gives and scratch where it itches. 36545% 36546Pushing 30 is exercise enough. 36547% 36548Pushing forty is exercise enough. 36549% 36550Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer. 36551Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak. 36552Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it. 36553 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor 36554 of Texas. 36555% 36556Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man. 36557 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" 36558% 36559Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET. 36560 -- Mark Twain 36561% 36562Put another password in, 36563Bomb it out, then try again. 36564Try to get past logging in, 36565We're hacking, hacking, hacking. 36566 36567Try his first wife's maiden name, 36568This is more than just a game. 36569It's real fun, but just the same, 36570It's hacking, hacking, hacking. 36571% 36572Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea! 36573% 36574Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. 36575% 36576Put your best foot forward. 36577Or just call in and say you're sick. 36578% 36579Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion. 36580% 36581Put your Nose to the Grindstone! 36582 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. 36583% 36584Put your trust in those who are worthy. 36585% 36586Putt's Law: 36587 Technology is dominated by two types of people: 36588 Those who understand what they do not manage. 36589 Those who manage what they do not understand. 36590% 36591Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!! 36592% 36593Q: Are we not men? 36594A: We are Vaxen. 36595% 36596Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? 36597A: One per person. 36598% 36599Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism? 36600A: He got re-possessed! 36601% 36602Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert? 36603A: With three more bullets. 36604% 36605Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with 36606 your wife? 36607A: You have to wait 22 months. 36608% 36609Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back 36610 in a hurricane? 36611A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind. 36612% 36613Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? 36614A: When his lips move. 36615% 36616Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree? 36617A: He sat on a acorn and waited for spring. 36618 36619Q: But how did he get back down? 36620A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn. 36621% 36622Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? 36623A: Unique up on it! 36624 36625Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? 36626A: The tame way! 36627% 36628Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense? 36629% 36630Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal? 36631A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local". 36632% 36633Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont? 36634A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles. 36635% 36636Q: How do you make an elephant float? 36637A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer... 36638% 36639Q: How do you play religious roulette? 36640A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets 36641 struck by lightning first. 36642% 36643Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? 36644A: Throw him a rock. 36645% 36646Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? 36647A: With a blue-elephant gun. 36648 36649Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant? 36650A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with 36651 a blue-elephant gun. 36652% 36653Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? 36654A: Take away his credit cards. 36655% 36656Q: How does a hacker fix a function which 36657 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain? 36658A: He changes the domain. 36659% 36660Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches? 36661A: She asks them for a commitment. 36662% 36663Q: How does a WASP propose marriage? 36664A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?" 36665% 36666Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? 36667A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment 36668 of license fee (binary only). 36669% 36670Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? 36671A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being 36672 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. 36673% 36674Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36675A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the 36676 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in 36677 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.) 36678 36679Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 36680A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all 36681 those Californians trying to share the experience. 36682% 36683Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36684A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it. 36685% 36686Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? 36687A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 36688 36689Q: How long does it take? 36690A: It's indeterminate. 36691 It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them. 36692 36693Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? 36694A: They replace your generator. 36695% 36696Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke? 36697A: One more than you can find. 36698% 36699Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug? 36700A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back. 36701 36702Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? 36703A: There's a footprint in the mayo. 36704 36705Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator? 36706A: There's two footprints in the mayo. 36707 36708Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator? 36709A: The door won't shut. 36710 36711Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? 36712A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway. 36713% 36714Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 36715A: None. We'll fix it in software. 36716 36717Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb? 36718A: None. The application can work around it. 36719 36720Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 36721A: None. We'll document it in the manual. 36722 36723Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 36724A: None. The user can figure it out. 36725% 36726Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36727A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him. 36728% 36729Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job? 36730A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. 36731% 36732Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift? 36733A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. 36734% 36735Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? 36736A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number 36737 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, 36738 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally 36739 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:..... 36740 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". 36741% 36742Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36743A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring 36744 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot 36745 to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for 36746 reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break 36747 the bulb in the first place. 36748% 36749Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 36750A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done. 36751% 36752Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 36753A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the 36754party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith 36755agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed 36756from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed 36757upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of 36758the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating 36759at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of 36760the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the 36761second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the 36762parties. 36763 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be 36764limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without 36765elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other 36766means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party 36767of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered 36768non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part 36769becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall 36770have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner 36771consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. 36772Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part 36773shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall 36774occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in 36775step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation 36776should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. 36777The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the 36778first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to 36779produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership. 36780% 36781Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 36782A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if 36783 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... 36784% 36785Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb? 36786A: I'll have to get back to you on that. 36787% 36788Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36789A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. 36790% 36791Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36792A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem 36793 to the earlier joke. 36794% 36795Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a 36796 light bulb? 36797A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in 36798 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send 36799 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim 36800 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking 36801 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains 36802 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at 36803 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb 36804 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. 36805 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers 36806 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply 36807 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. 36808 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, 36809 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must 36810 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon 36811 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have 36812 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been 36813 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted 36814 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission. 36815% 36816Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light 36817 bulb? 36818A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the 36819 witness. 36820% 36821Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb? 36822A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder 36823 out from under him. 36824% 36825Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? 36826A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has 36827 to really want to change. 36828% 36829Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?" 36830A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct 36831 the ship out of disgrace." 36832 36833 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for 36834 a fight. They consider this it to be a discrace, though it's 36835 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.] 36836% 36837Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 36838A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub 36839 with brightly colored machine tools. 36840 36841 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.] 36842% 36843Q: How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb? 36844A: One. 36845% 36846Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? 36847A: 2 bits. 36848% 36849Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 36850A: 9 edge down. 36851% 36852Q: Know what the difference between your latest project 36853 and putting wings on an elephant is? 36854A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh... 36855% 36856Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?" 36857A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little 36858 bottles into the typewriter. 36859% 36860Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. 36861 What should I do? 36862 36863A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on 36864 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably 36865 be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you 36866 can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to 36867 see if somebody else has made the correction. And it's not good 36868 enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who 36869 really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the 36870 whole net right away! 36871 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 36872% 36873Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? 36874A: "The elephants are coming over the hill." 36875 36876Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing 36877 sunglasses? 36878A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them. 36879% 36880Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? 36881A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until 36882 they go down on you. 36883 36884Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde? 36885A: You can park in the handicapped zone. 36886 36887Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw 36888 puzzle in only 6 months? 36889A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years". 36890% 36891Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up? 36892A: The very best person they can possibly be. 36893% 36894Q: What do monsters eat? 36895A: Things. 36896 36897Q: What do monsters drink? 36898A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.) 36899% 36900Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? 36901A: The impossible dream. 36902% 36903Q: What do WASP's do instead of making love? 36904A: Rule the country. 36905% 36906Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? 36907A: The same middle name. 36908% 36909Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? 36910A: A dope ring. 36911 36912Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? 36913A: To cover up the valve stem. 36914 36915Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw 36916 puzzle in only 6 months? 36917A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years". 36918% 36919Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal? 36920A: Diyathinkhesaurus. 36921 36922Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog? 36923A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex. 36924% 36925Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? 36926A: A stick. 36927% 36928Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes? 36929A: An interpreter. 36930 36931Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? 36932A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box. 36933 36934Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row? 36935A: A wind tunnel. 36936% 36937Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? 36938A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway. 36939 36940 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette. 36941 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.] 36942% 36943Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola, 36944 eating fruit, and singing? 36945A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir. 36946% 36947Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu? 36948A: Six sick Sikhs (sic). 36949% 36950Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan? 36951A: A good start. 36952% 36953Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C 36954 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers? 36955A: A deep C diva. 36956% 36957Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself? 36958A. A Christian Science Monitor. 36959% 36960Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a 36961 lawyer, and believes in social causes? 36962A: A failure. 36963% 36964Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when 36965 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant? 36966A: A howdah duty. 36967% 36968Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female 36969 sheep bites you? 36970A: Ewe nicks. 36971% 36972Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? 36973A: An offer you can't understand. 36974% 36975Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole? 36976A: Hot cross bunnies! 36977% 36978Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? 36979A: Not enough sand. 36980% 36981Q: What does a blonde do first theing in the morning? 36982A: She goes home. 36983 36984Q: Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? 36985A: To keep her neck warm. 36986 36987Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday? 36988A: Tell her a joke on Friday. 36989% 36990Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner? 36991A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by 36992 a delicious dessert. 36993% 36994Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota? 36995A: Open other end. 36996% 36997Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah! 36998A: Exploding sheep. 36999% 37000Q: What happens when four WASP's find themselves in the same room? 37001A: A dinner party. 37002% 37003Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? 37004A: Moby Pickle. 37005% 37006Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of? 37007A: Feet. 37008% 37009Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?" 37010A: A ball point carrot. 37011% 37012Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? 37013A: Open other end. 37014% 37015Q: What is purple and commutes? 37016A: A boolean grape. 37017% 37018Q: What is purple and commutes? 37019A: An Abelian grape. 37020% 37021Q: What is purple and concord the world? 37022A: Alexander the Grape. 37023% 37024Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic 37025 existentialist?" 37026A: "Is there a dog?" 37027% 37028Q: What is the difference between a duck? 37029A: One leg is both the same. 37030% 37031Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt? 37032A: Yogurt has culture. 37033% 37034Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off? 37035A: Her bowling shoes. 37036% 37037Q: What is the mating call of a blonde? 37038A: I think I'm drunk. 37039 37040Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde? 37041A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk! 37042 37043Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? 37044A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" 37045% 37046Q: What is the sound of one cat napping? 37047A: Mu. 37048% 37049Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? 37050A: A nervous wreck. 37051% 37052Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and 37053 plays like a monkey? 37054A: Nothing. 37055% 37056Q: What's black and white and red all over? 37057A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight. 37058% 37059Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch? 37060A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes. 37061% 37062Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? 37063A: A doberman. 37064% 37065Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? 37066A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well.. 37067 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea... 37068 37069Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? 37070A: Artificial intelligence. 37071 37072Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? 37073A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. 37074% 37075Q. What's the capital of Canada? 37076A. American. 37077% 37078Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead 37079 lawyer in the road? 37080A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. 37081% 37082Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant? 37083A: You can't get down off an elephant. 37084% 37085Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? 37086A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen. 37087% 37088Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale? 37089A: The moustache. 37090% 37091Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? 37092A: One more drunk. 37093% 37094Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? 37095A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. 37096% 37097Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt? 37098A. Yogurt has a living, active culture. 37099% 37100Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? 37101A: A canary with the super-user password. 37102% 37103Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? 37104A: Zorn's Lemon. 37105% 37106Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage? 37107A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump! 37108 37109Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill? 37110A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant... 37111% 37112Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain? 37113A: Lawn Boy. 37114% 37115Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive? 37116A: Because they're worth it! 37117% 37118Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? 37119A: Because he was hungry. 37120% 37121Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? 37122A: To see what was on the other side. 37123 37124Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels? 37125A: More head room. 37126 37127Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex? 37128A: She opens the car door. 37129% 37130Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? 37131A: He was giving it last rites. 37132% 37133Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? 37134A: To see his friend Gregory peck. 37135 37136Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? 37137A: To get to the other slide. 37138% 37139Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? 37140A: To get to the other slide. 37141% 37142Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? 37143A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means. 37144% 37145Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? 37146A: Because he left a residue at every pole. 37147% 37148Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? 37149A: Because that was her name. 37150% 37151Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? 37152A: To get to the middle. 37153% 37154Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet? 37155A: To stamp out forest fires. 37156 37157Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? 37158A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 37159% 37160Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? 37161A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress. 37162% 37163Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? 37164A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. 37165% 37166Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? 37167A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise? 37168 Oh, right, *of course*! 37169% 37170Q: Why do the police always travel in threes? 37171A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps 37172 an eye on the two intellectuals. 37173% 37174Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and 37175 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? 37176A: God gave New Jersey first choice. 37177% 37178Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? 37179A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars. 37180 37181Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? 37182A: To keep their ankles warm. 37183 37184Q: How do you kill a blonde? 37185A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads. 37186% 37187Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? 37188A: The cats keep trying to bury them. 37189% 37190Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it? 37191A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink 37192 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while 37193 visiting, they always take three. 37194% 37195Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? 37196A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit 37197 gets all the credit. 37198% 37199Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation 37200 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? 37201A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. 37202% 37203Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? 37204A: It takes too long to retrain them. 37205 37206Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? 37207A: All the blondes have gone home! 37208 37209Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? 37210A: There's white-out on the screen. 37211% 37212Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man 37213 soup in a plate? 37214A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away. 37215% 37216Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned? 37217A: It wasn't IBM compatible. 37218% 37219Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? 37220A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand! 37221% 37222Q: What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin? 37223A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time. 37224% 37225Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? 37226A: The Titanic had a band. 37227% 37228QED. 37229% 37230QOTD: 37231 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope." 37232% 37233QOTD: 37234 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5." 37235% 37236QOTD: 37237 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem." 37238% 37239QOTD: 37240 All I want is a little more than I'll ever get. 37241% 37242QOTD: 37243 All I want is more than my fair share. 37244% 37245QOTD: 37246 "Dead people are good at running because they don't 37247 have to stop and breathe." 37248 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead" 37249% 37250QOTD: 37251 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone." 37252% 37253QOTD: 37254 "East is east... and let's keep it that way." 37255% 37256QOTD: 37257 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there, 37258 I go to work." 37259% 37260QOTD: 37261 Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to 37262 save the earth! 37263% 37264QOTD: 37265 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day." 37266% 37267QOTD: 37268 "Her other car is a broom." 37269% 37270QOTD: 37271 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect 37272 her to cook." 37273% 37274QOTD: 37275 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom." 37276% 37277QOTD: 37278 How can I miss you if you won't go away? 37279% 37280QOTD: 37281 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent." 37282% 37283QOTD: 37284 "I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it." 37285% 37286QOTD: 37287 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the 37288other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." 37289% 37290QOTD: 37291 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying." 37292% 37293QOTD: 37294 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby." 37295% 37296QOTD: 37297 I love your outfit, does it come in your size? 37298% 37299QOTD: 37300 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting posistion." 37301% 37302QOTD: 37303 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" 37304% 37305QOTD: 37306 I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the 37307 ball in their court. 37308 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs) 37309% 37310QOTD: 37311 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it 37312 didn't work." 37313% 37314QOTD: 37315 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a 37316 horse with one of the horns broken off." 37317% 37318QOTD: 37319 "I treat her like a throughbred, and she's STILL a nag!" 37320% 37321QOTD: 37322 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return 37323 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower." 37324% 37325QOTD: 37326 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality." 37327% 37328QOTD: 37329 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with 37330 the lost." 37331% 37332QOTD: 37333 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." 37334% 37335QOTD: 37336 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job." 37337% 37338QOTD: 37339 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass." 37340% 37341QOTD: 37342 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the 37343 dog for dinner." 37344% 37345QOTD: 37346 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play 37347 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her." 37348% 37349QOTD: 37350 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything." 37351% 37352QOTD: 37353 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave." 37354% 37355QOTD: 37356 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie." 37357% 37358QOTD: 37359 If it's too loud, you're too old. 37360% 37361QOTD: 37362 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it." 37363% 37364QOTD: 37365 If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection. 37366% 37367QOTD: 37368 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD." 37369% 37370QOTD: 37371 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..." 37372% 37373QOTD: 37374 I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged". 37375% 37376QOTD: 37377 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged". 37378 37379 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.] 37380% 37381QOTD: 37382 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..." 37383% 37384QOTD: 37385 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it." 37386% 37387QOTD: 37388 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department." 37389% 37390QOTD: 37391 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many 37392 stations anymore." 37393% 37394QOTD: 37395 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his 37396 hands in his own pockets." 37397% 37398QOTD: 37399 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out." 37400% 37401QOTD: 37402 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." 37403% 37404QOTD: 37405 "It's been Monday all week today." 37406% 37407QOTD: 37408 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun." 37409% 37410QOTD: 37411 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if 37412 the ace is missing from his deck altogether." 37413% 37414QOTD: 37415 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." 37416% 37417QOTD: 37418 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at 37419 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective." 37420% 37421QOTD: 37422 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on 37423 strike. To make less money." 37424% 37425QOTD: 37426 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back 37427 all of my stuff." 37428% 37429QOTD: 37430 I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one. 37431% 37432QOTD: 37433 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing 37434 trivial." 37435% 37436QOTD: 37437 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?" 37438% 37439QOTD: 37440 "Let's do it." 37441 -- Gary Gilmore 37442% 37443QOTD: 37444 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die." 37445% 37446QOTD: 37447 Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical 37448 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying 37449 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn. 37450 -- Goodstein, States of Matter 37451% 37452QOTD: 37453 Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch. 37454% 37455QOTD: 37456 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let 37457 her husband work." 37458% 37459QOTD: 37460 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?" 37461% 37462QOTD: 37463 My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips. 37464% 37465QOTD: 37466 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships." 37467% 37468QOTD: 37469 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with 37470 a fake?" 37471% 37472QOTD: 37473 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy." 37474% 37475QOTD: 37476 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty." 37477% 37478QOTD: 37479 "Our parents were never our age." 37480% 37481QOTD: 37482 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies." 37483% 37484QOTD: 37485 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis 37486 shoes on you and run you into the wall?" 37487% 37488QOTD: 37489 Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. 37490% 37491QOTD: 37492 "She's about as smart as bait." 37493% 37494QOTD: 37495 Silence is the only virtue he has left. 37496% 37497QOTD: 37498 Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives. 37499% 37500QOTD: 37501 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question." 37502% 37503QOTD: 37504 Talent does what it can, genius what it must. 37505 I do what I get paid to do. 37506% 37507QOTD: 37508 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its 37509 neck to get the dog to play with it." 37510% 37511QOTD: 37512 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." 37513% 37514QOTD: 37515 The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean 37516 the snakes have gone away. 37517% 37518QOTD: 37519 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking." 37520% 37521QOTD: 37522 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the 37523 left." 37524% 37525QOTD: 37526 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!" 37527% 37528QOTD: 37529 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween." 37530% 37531QOTD: 37532 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you 37533 think he was broken!" 37534% 37535QOTD: 37536 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding 37537 when I mess things up." 37538% 37539QOTD: 37540 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call 37541 "baring your neck." 37542% 37543QOTD: 37544 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs." 37545% 37546QOTD: 37547 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?" 37548% 37549QOTD: 37550 Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE? 37551 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great... 37552% 37553QOTD: 37554 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them? 37555 How... tribal." 37556% 37557QOTD: 37558 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth." 37559% 37560QOTD: 37561Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now 37562to late to punish. 37563% 37564QOTD: 37565I haven't come far enough and don't call me baby. 37566% 37567QOTD: 37568I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, 37569then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'. 37570 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash 37571% 37572QOTD: 37573"I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..." 37574 -- Kathy Ireland 37575% 37576QOTD: 37577"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing." 37578% 37579QOTD: 37580Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency 37581on my part. 37582% 37583QOTD: 37584On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there. 37585% 37586QOTD: 37587Sacred cows make great hamburgers. 37588% 37589QOTD: 37590The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the 37591gerbil has more dark meat. 37592% 37593Quack! 37594 Quack!! Quack!! 37595% 37596Quality control: 37597 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand 37598 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design. 37599% 37600QUALITY CONTROL: 37601 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a 37602 production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. 37603% 37604Quantity is no substitute for quality, 37605but its the only one we've got. 37606% 37607Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces! 37608 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party 37609% 37610Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me." 37611% 37612QUARK: 37613 The sound made by a well bred duck. 37614% 37615Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck! 37616% 37617Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in 37618exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must 37619devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might eminate 37620from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to 37621Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are 37622weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be 37623reached for comment, but we chose not to listen. 37624 -- Dennis Miller 37625% 37626Question: 37627 Man Invented Alcohol, 37628 God Invented Grass. 37629 Whom do you trust? 37630% 37631question = ( to ) ? be : ! be; 37632 -- Wm. Shakespeare 37633% 37634QUESTION AUTHORITY. 37635 37636(Sez who?) 37637% 37638Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until 37639they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them? 37640% 37641Questionable day. 37642Ask somebody something. 37643% 37644Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. 37645 -- Oscar Wilde 37646% 37647Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! 37648% 37649Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. 37650 37651(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) 37652% 37653Quigley's Law: 37654 Whoever has any authority over you, 37655 no matter how small, will attempt to use it. 37656% 37657Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away. 37658 -- Robert Orben 37659% 37660Quite frankly, I don't like you humans. 37661After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment. 37662% 37663Qvid me anxivs svm? 37664% 37665Radicalism: 37666 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today. 37667 -- A. Bierce 37668% 37669RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC 37670READY 37671>_ 37672% 37673Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. 37674% 37675Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht. 37676 -- Albert Einstein 37677% 37678rain falls where clouds come 37679sun shines where clouds go 37680clouds just come and go 37681 -- Florian Gutzwiller 37682% 37683Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. 37684% 37685Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. 37686% 37687Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity. 37688% 37689Ralph's Observation: 37690It is a mistake to let any mechanical object 37691realise that you are in a hurry. 37692% 37693RAM wasn't built in a day. 37694% 37695Random, n: 37696 as in number, predictable. 37697 as in memory access, unpredictable. 37698% 37699Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking. 37700% 37701Rascal, am I? Take THAT! 37702 -- Errol Flynn 37703% 37704Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I 37705saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer 37706magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it 37707bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won 37708secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul 37709when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault 37710insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long 37711before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the 37712A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical 37713engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? 37714 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president 37715% 37716Razors pain you; 37717Rivers are damp; 37718Acids stain you; 37719And drugs cause cramp. 37720Guns aren't lawful; 37721Nooses give; 37722Gas smells awful; 37723You might as well live. 37724 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 37725% 37726Re: Graphics: 37727 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe 37728 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately 37729 described with pictures. 37730% 37731Reach into the thoughts of friends, 37732And find they do not know your name. 37733Squeeze the teddy bear too tight, 37734And watch the feathers burst the seams. 37735Touch the stained glass with your cheek, 37736And feel its chill upon your blood. 37737Hold a candle to the night, 37738And see the darkness bend the flame. 37739Tear the mask of peace from God, 37740And hear the roar of souls in hell. 37741Pluck a rose in name of love, 37742And watch the petals curl and wilt. 37743Lean upon the western wind, 37744And know you are alone. 37745 -- Dru Mims 37746% 37747Reactor error - core dumped! 37748% 37749Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. 37750% 37751Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. 37752% 37753Reagan can't act either. 37754% 37755Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has 37756limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are 37757so poor at I/O. 37758% 37759Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with 37760`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count 37761(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications). 37762% 37763Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how 37764could they read their mail? 37765% 37766Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on 37767future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens 37768will ever be able to fit on a single planet. 37769% 37770Real programmers admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they 37771find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to 37772implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are 37773still arguing over what else to add to ADA. 37774% 37775Real programmers don't document; if it was 37776hard to write, it should be hard to understand. 37777% 37778Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the 37779illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much 37780good it did them. 37781% 37782Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food. 37783% 37784Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires 37785you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers 37786wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly 37787spring up in the middle of the machine room. 37788% 37789Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. 37790FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. 37791% 37792Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for 37793programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. 37794% 37795Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. 37796% 37797Real programs don't eat cache. 37798% 37799Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they 37800use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? 37801% 37802Real wealth can only increase. 37803 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 37804% 37805Real World, The n.: 37806 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may be 37807used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To 37808programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related to 37809programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and tie 37810and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. The location 37811of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. "Poor fellow, he's 37812left MIT and gone into T.R.W." Used pejoratively by those not in residence 37813there. In conversation, talking of someone who has entered the real world 37814is not unlike talking about a deceased person. 37815% 37816Reality -- what a concept! 37817 -- Robin Williams 37818% 37819Reality always seems harsher in the early morning. 37820% 37821Reality does not exist - yet. 37822% 37823Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. 37824% 37825Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs. 37826 -- Lily Tomlin 37827% 37828Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction. 37829% 37830Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. 37831 -- Lily Tomlin 37832% 37833Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature 37834cannot be fooled. 37835 -- R.P. Feynman 37836% 37837Reality must take precedence over public 37838relations, for Mother Nature cannot be fooled. 37839 -- R.P. Feynman 37840% 37841Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!! 37842% 37843Reappraisal, n: 37844 An abrupt change of mind after being found out. 37845% 37846Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. 37847 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 37848% 37849Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being 37850flat broke and having a stomach ache. 37851 -- Dolph Sharp 37852% 37853Recent investments will yield a slight profit. 37854% 37855Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man 37856is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator. 37857 -- C.N. Parkinson 37858% 37859Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after 37860his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. 37861"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the 37862microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the 37863bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie 37864Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." 37865Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: 37866"'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!" 37867 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller 37868% 37869Reception area, n: 37870 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend 37871 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade 37872 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World, 37873 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine -- 37874 Cosmopolitan. 37875% 37876Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you 37877lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, 37878but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and 37879Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions. 37880% 37881Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: 37882 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit 37883 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of 37884 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!) 37885 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the 37886 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.) 37887 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it. 37888 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of 37889 Qualactin Hypermint extract. 37890 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve. 37891 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor. 37892 (8) Add an olive. 37893 (9) Drink... but... very carefully... 37894% 37895Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: 37896 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit 37897 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of 37898 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!) 37899 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the 37900 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.) 37901 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it. 37902 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of 37903 Qualactin Hypermint extract. 37904 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve. 37905 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor. 37906 (8) Add an olive. 37907 (9) Drink... but... very carefully... 37908% 37909Reclaimer, spare that tree! 37910Take not a single bit! 37911It used to point to me, 37912Now I'm protecting it. 37913It was the reader's CONS 37914That made it, paired by dot; 37915Now, GC, for the nonce, 37916Thou shalt reclaim it not. 37917% 37918Recursion is the root of computation 37919since it trades description for time. 37920% 37921Recursion: n. See Recursion. 37922 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 37923% 37924Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, 37925administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate. 37926% 37927Regnant populi. 37928% 37929Regression analysis: 37930 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are 37931 getting worse. 37932% 37933Reichel's Law: 37934 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by 37935 an outside force. 37936% 37937Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child. 37938 -- Thomas Berger 37939% 37940Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: 37941 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. 37942% 37943Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest 37944knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. 37945 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest" 37946% 37947...relaxed in the manner of a man who 37948has no need to put up a front of any kind. 37949 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy" 37950% 37951Reliable source, n: 37952 The guy you just met. 37953% 37954Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. 37955 -- Anatole France 37956% 37957Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple. 37958% 37959Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. 37960 -- Napoleon 37961% 37962Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. 37963% 37964Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our 37965extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille. 37966 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic 37967 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 37968% 37969Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%. 37970% 37971Remember Darwin; building a better 37972mousetrap merely results in smarter mice. 37973% 37974Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled 37975with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two 37976deserts. 37977 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59 37978% 37979Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. 37980 -- Jim Samuels 37981% 37982Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't 37983have an established user base. 37984% 37985Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over 37986the first one. 37987 -- Confusion 37988% 37989"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's 37990*not* the U.S. Army doing it!" 37991 -- Good Morning VietNam 37992% 37993Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure 37994that you're the one holding it. 37995 -- Mr. Greenfatigues 37996% 37997Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 37998 -- Dave Butler 37999% 38000Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when 38001you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. 38002 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 38003% 38004Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy. 38005 -- Hans Liepmann 38006% 38007Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, 38008it could only be worse in Cleveland. 38009% 38010Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? 38011% 38012Remember the... the... uhh..... 38013% 38014Remember thee 38015Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat 38016In this distracted globe. Remember thee! 38017Yea, from the table of my memory 38018I'll wipe away all trivial fond records, 38019All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past, 38020That youth and observation copied there. 38021 -- William Shakespear, "Hamlet" 38022% 38023Remember to say hello to your bank teller. 38024% 38025Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. 38026 -- Mt. 38027% 38028Remember: use logout to logout. 38029% 38030Remembering is for those who have forgotten. 38031 -- Chinese proverb 38032% 38033Remove me from this land of slaves, 38034Where all are fools, and all are knaves, 38035Where every knave and fool is bought, 38036Yet kindly sells himself for nought; 38037 -- Jonathan Swift 38038% 38039Removing the straw that broke the camel's back 38040does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again. 38041% 38042Renning's Maxim: 38043 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. 38044% 38045Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. 38046 -- Mark Twain 38047% 38048Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid. 38049 -- Indiana University footbal cheer 38050% 38051Reply hazy, ask again later. 38052% 38053Reporter: 38054 A writer who guesses his way to the truth 38055 and dispels it with a tempest of words. 38056 -- Ambrose Bierce 38057% 38058Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?" 38059Yogi Berra: "Closed." 38060% 38061Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?" 38062Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back." 38063% 38064Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): 38065 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? 38066Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. 38067% 38068Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. 38069Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. 38070 38071Democrats eat the fish they catch. 38072Republicans hang them on the wall. 38073 38074Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry 38075Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. 38076 38077Democrats make up plans and then do something else. 38078Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. 38079 38080Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. 38081That is why there are more Democrats. 38082 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" 38083% 38084Reputation, adj: 38085 What others are not thinking about you. 38086% 38087Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works 38088you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either, 38089so you're still a valiant nerd. 38090% 38091Research is to see what everybody else has seen, 38092and think what nobody else has thought. 38093% 38094Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. 38095 -- Wernher von Braun 38096% 38097Research, n: 38098 Consider Columbus: 38099 He didn't know where he was going. 38100 When he got there he didn't know where he was. 38101 When he got back he didn't know where he had been. 38102 And he did it all on someone else's money. 38103% 38104Resisting temptation is easier when you 38105think you'll probably get another chance later on. 38106% 38107Responsibility: 38108 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is 38109a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something 38110goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it 38111is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is. 38112 -- Cerebus, "On Governing" 38113% 38114Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you 38115actually have a shot at it. 38116% 38117Reunite Gondwondaland! 38118% 38119Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean? 38120Bobby: Slow down. 38121Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean? 38122Bobby: Slow down. 38123Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light.... 38124% 38125Revenge is a form of nostalgia. 38126% 38127Revenge is a meal best served cold. 38128% 38129Review Questions 38130 381311: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, 38132 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before 38133 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the 38134 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? 38135 381362: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks 38137 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks 38138 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off 38139 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? 38140 381413: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers 38142 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in 38143 a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King 38144 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? 38145% 38146Revolution, n: 38147 A form of government abroad. 38148% 38149Revolution, n: 38150 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. 38151 -- Ambrose Bierce 38152% 38153revolutionary, adj: 38154 Repackaged. 38155% 38156Rhode's Law: 38157 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, 38158 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or 38159 circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, 38160 estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose 38161 of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or 38162 personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the 38163 above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and 38164 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, 38165 and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to 38166 assume otherwise, maybe. 38167% 38168Rhode's Law: 38169 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, 38170or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or circuitously 38171proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or 38172scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience, 38173expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal comfort, or any 38174combination of the above, or none of the above, be unilaterally and 38175unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be 38176undeniably, universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as 38177it becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. 38178% 38179Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men 38180should be happier than others. 38181 -- Oscar Wilde 38182% 38183Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life. 38184He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress, 38185lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the 38186world. 38187 -- Senator Barry Goldwater 38188% 38189Riches cover a multitude of woes. 38190 -- Menander 38191% 38192Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?" 38193Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is 38194 going on here." 38195Croupier (handing money to Renault): 38196 "Your winnings, sir." 38197Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much." 38198 -- Casablanca 38199% 38200Riffle West Virginia is so small that the 38201Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk. 38202% 38203"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither 38204machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not 38205rights, which they use or do not use. 38206 -- Lazarus Long 38207% 38208Ring around the collar. 38209% 38210Ritchie's Rule: 38211 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency. 38212 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job. 38213 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost. 38214% 38215Robot, n: 38216 Someone who's been made by a scientist. 38217% 38218Robot, n: 38219 University administrator. 38220% 38221Robustness, adj: 38222 Never having to say you're sorry. 38223% 38224Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention 38225 Unless the results are known in advance, 38226 funding agencies will reject the proposal. 38227% 38228Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to 38229become necessary. 38230 -- Edgar Friedenberg 38231% 38232Rome was not built in one day. 38233 -- John Heywood 38234% 38235Rome wasn't burnt in a day. 38236% 38237Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill, 38238He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still, 38239Juliet was waiting with a safety net, 38240Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet". 38241 -- Elvis Costello 38242% 38243Roses are red; 38244 Violets are blue. 38245I'm schizophrenic, 38246 And so am I. 38247% 38248Rotten wood cannot be carved. 38249 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9 38250% 38251Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler. 38252 -- Zero Mostel 38253% 38254Round Numbers are always false. 38255 -- Samuel Johnson 38256% 38257Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream... 38258% 38259Rubber bands have snappy endings! 38260% 38261Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?" 38262Yogi Berra: "You mean now?" 38263% 38264Rudd's Discovery: 38265 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make 38266 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can 38267 stay in Washington and make it there. 38268% 38269Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength. 38270% 38271Rudin's Law: 38272 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will 38273 do it every time. 38274 38275Rudin's Second Law: 38276 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative 38277 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible 38278 course. 38279% 38280rugby, n: 38281 Elegant violence. 38282 38283 (Rugby players eat their dead.) 38284 (Blood makes the grass grow!) 38285 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!) 38286 38287 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.] 38288% 38289RUGGED: 38290 Too heavy to lift. 38291% 38292Rule #1: 38293 The Boss is always right. 38294 38295Rule #2: 38296 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1. 38297% 38298Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence. 38299 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is 38300not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may 38301sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they 38302regain their composure. 38303% 38304Rule of Creative Research: 38305 1) Never draw what you can copy. 38306 2) Never copy what you can trace. 38307 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 38308% 38309Rule of Defactualization: 38310 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. 38311% 38312Rule of Feline Frustration: 38313 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly 38314 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the 38315 bathroom. 38316% 38317Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage. 38318% 38319Rule of the Great: 38320 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep 38321 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. 38322% 38323Rule the Empire through force. 38324 -- Shogun Tokugawa 38325% 38326Rules for driving in New York: 38327 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 38328 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on. 38329 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the 38330 intersection. 38331% 38332Rules for Good Grammar #4. 38333 1: Don't use no double negatives. 38334 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents. 38335 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. 38336 4: About them sentence fragments. 38337 5: When dangling, watch your participles. 38338 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects. 38339 7: Just between you and i, case is important. 38340 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read. 38341 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary. 3834210: Try to not ever split infinitives. 3834311: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly. 3834412: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out. 3834513: Correct speling is essential. 3834614: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with. 3834715: While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally 38348 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not 38349 become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation. 38350% 38351Rules for Writers: 38352 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double 38353negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; 38354and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and 38355omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are 38356unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with 38357a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens. 38358Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing. 38359Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on 38360us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have 38361snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've 38362told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also, 38363avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional 38364phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of 38365death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'" 38366% 38367RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 38368 1. Never eat on an empty stomach. 38369 2. Never leave the table hungry. 38370 3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 38371 4. Enjoy your food. 38372 5. Enjoy your companion's food. 38373 6. Really taste your food. It may take several portions to 38374 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 38375 7. Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for 38376 example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie. 38377 Which feels better against your cheeks? 38378 8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 38379 9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can 38380 always eat it later. 38381 10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 38382 11. Avoid blue food. 38383 -- The Bronx Diet, "Richard Smith" 38384% 38385Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish. 38386 -- Lao Tsu 38387% 38388Rune's Rule: 38389 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. 38390% 38391Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant. 38392 -- John Cameron Swayze 38393% 38394Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week, 38395he might have lasted a long time and become a great star. 38396 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change 38397 from being a pitcher to an outfielder. 38398 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 38399% 38400Ryan's Law: 38401 Make three correct guesses consecutively 38402 and you will establish yourself as an expert. 38403% 38404Sacher's Observation: 38405 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell. 38406% 38407Sacred cows make great hamburgers. 38408% 38409SADISM: 38410 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist. 38411% 38412sadoequinecrophilia, n: 38413 Beating a dead horse. 38414% 38415Safety Third. 38416% 38417Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 38418 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. 38419 38420 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, 38421 bugs, ants. 38422 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships. 38423 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 38424 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter. 38425 5. Exotic birds flock around you. 38426 6. People ignore you at parties. 38427 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 38428 8. You no longer get off on cocaine. 38429% 38430SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE: 38431 38432 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the 38433Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered 38434to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international 38435space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would 38436violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by 38437turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction 38438center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place. 38439% 38440SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) 38441 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless 38442 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of 38443 Sagitarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at 38444 you a great deal. 38445% 38446SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) 38447 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding 38448 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and 38449 obnoxious self. Call your mother. 38450% 38451SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21) 38452 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will 38453 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue 38454 impulse you have to push her out into traffic. 38455% 38456Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I 38457got started one night when George came home and found one burning in 38458the ashtray." 38459% 38460Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. 38461 -- Heard on Noahs' ark 38462% 38463Sailors in ships, sail on! 38464Even while we died, others rode out the storm. 38465% 38466Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent. 38467 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi" 38468% 38469Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed 38470in small amounts over a long period of time. 38471 -- George Carlin 38472% 38473Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings 38474 with me. 38475Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained 38476 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not 38477 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around 38478 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry. 38479Sally: It's called "trust," Ted. 38480Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into 38481 uncharted waters here. 38482 -- Sally Forth 38483% 38484Sam: What do you know there, Norm? 38485Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me? 38486 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 38487 38488Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm? 38489Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead. 38490 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 38491 38492Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson? 38493Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room. 38494 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 38495% 38496Sam: What's the good word, Norm? 38497Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. 38498Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer... 38499Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah... 38500Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up. 38501 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday 38502 38503Sam: Whaddya say, Norm? 38504Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes. 38505 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor 38506 38507Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson? 38508Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer. 38509 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie 38510% 38511Sam: What do you say, Norm? 38512Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer. 38513 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice 38514 38515Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie? 38516Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town? 38517 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up 38518 38519Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody. 38520All: Norm! (Norman.) 38521Sam: Still pouring, Norm? 38522Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing. 38523 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare 38524% 38525Sam: What's going on, Normie? 38526Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in 38527 it, and I'll blow out my liver. 38528 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone 38529 38530Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin? 38531Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut. 38532 Found him every couple of blocks. 38533 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill 38534% 38535Sam: What's new, Norm? 38536Norm: Most of my wife. 38537 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One 38538 38539Coach: Beer, Norm? 38540Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it. 38541 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone 38542 38543Coach: What's doing, Norm? 38544Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen 38545 to be the guinea pig. 38546 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways 38547% 38548SAN DIEGO: 38549 Four million people, where you can't get a 38550 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try. 38551% 38552SAN FRANCISCO: 38553 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. 38554% 38555San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the 38556people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When 38557they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me. 38558One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo. 38559 -- George Halas, professional footbal coach 38560% 38561San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. 38562 -- Herb Caen 38563% 38564Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line. 38565% 38566Sank heaven for leetle curls. 38567% 38568Santa Claus is watching! 38569% 38570Santa Claus wears a red suit 38571He's a Communist. 38572 38573He has long hair and a beard 38574Must be a pacifist. 38575 38576And what's in the pipe that he's smoking? 38577 38578Santa Claus comes in your house at night. 38579He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight. 38580 38581Why do police guys beat on peace guys? 38582 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus" 38583% 38584 38585SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE 38586MICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR! 38587 38588 38589 \__\_ :. ___/ 38590 ..\ /-- 38591 :.______ : .:* : . _ .: :.. . : . . : ()_ .: 38592 (( \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/ *\_o 38593====(( \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. . ()_______/\\ __-' 38594 \____(( \ ()oo()_/ /.: : ..________/_____ll -/.: .. 38595 ( (( \(())))__/ . .. \\.: ..( ) ll ( l_.: 38596( / (( \__*__)___:___ : : )) .) /--------\ \ \ 38597( / ((_____________) .. // . / / /..:: . )_)_\ 38598 (____/_____________________\__// : /_/_/ :.. :/_/ \_\ 38599 /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ /_/_/ 38600 38601 38602% 38603Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. 38604% 38605Satellite Safety Tip #14: 38606 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. 38607% 38608Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. 38609% 38610Satire is tragedy plus time. 38611 -- Lenny Bruce 38612% 38613Satire is what closes in New Haven. 38614% 38615Satire is what closes Saturday night. 38616 -- George Kaufman 38617% 38618Sattinger's Law: 38619 It works better if you plug it in. 38620% 38621Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, 38622Is like being nowhere at all, 38623All through the day how the hours rush by, 38624You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. 38625 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" 38626% 38627Satyrs have more faun. 38628% 38629Savage's Law of Expediency: 38630 You want it bad, you'll get it bad. 38631% 38632Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be 38633surprised at how little you have. 38634 -- Ernest Haskins 38635% 38636Save energy: Drive a smaller shell. 38637% 38638Save energy: be apathetic. 38639% 38640Save gas, don't eat beans. 38641% 38642Save gas, don't use the shell. 38643% 38644Save the bales! 38645% 38646Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 38647% 38648Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds! 38649% 38650Say! You've struck a heap of trouble-- 38651Bust in business, lost your wife; 38652No one cares a cent about you, 38653You don't care a cent for life; 38654Hard luck has of hope bereft you, 38655Health is failing, wish you'd die-- 38656Why, you've still the sunshine left you 38657And the big blue sky. 38658 -- R.W. Service 38659% 38660Say it with flowers, 38661Or say it with mink, 38662But whatever you do, 38663Don't say it with ink! 38664 -- Jimmie Durante 38665% 38666Say many of cameras focused t'us, 38667Our middle-aged shots do us justice. 38668No justice, please, curse ye! 38669We really want mercy: 38670You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us. 38671 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt 38672% 38673Say my love is easy had, 38674Say I'm bitten raw with pride, 38675Say I am too often sad -- 38676Still behold me at your side. 38677 38678Say I'm neither brave nor young, 38679Say I woo and coddle care, 38680Say the devil touched my tongue, 38681Still you have my heart to wear. 38682 38683But say my verses do not scan, 38684And I get me another man! 38685 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words" 38686% 38687Say no, then negotiate. 38688 -- Helga 38689% 38690Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies. 38691% 38692Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout. 38693% 38694SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! 38695 -- Ken Thompson 38696% 38697SCENARIO: 38698 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in 38699 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in 38700 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case. 38701% 38702Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful. 38703% 38704Scene: 38705 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living 38706room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and 38707white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in 38708filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his 38709shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy 38710intently watching him. 38711 38712Caption: 38713 "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you. 38714% 38715Schapiro's Explanation: 38716 The grass is always greener on the other side -- 38717 but that's because they use more manure. 38718% 38719Schizophrenia beats being alone. 38720% 38721schlattwhapper, n: 38722 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, 38723 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. 38724 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 38725% 38726Schmidt's Observation: 38727 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap 38728 than a thin person. 38729% 38730Science and religion are in full accord but 38731science and faith are in complete discord. 38732% 38733Science Fiction, Double Feature. 38734Frank has built and lost his creature. 38735Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet. 38736The servants gone to a distant planet. 38737Wo, oh, oh, oh. 38738At the late night, double feature, Picture show. 38739I want to go, oh, oh, oh. 38740To the late night, double feature, Picture show. 38741 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 38742% 38743Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a 38744collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones 38745is a house. 38746 -- Jules Henri Poincare 38747% 38748Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing. 38749% 38750Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. 38751% 38752Science may someday discover what faith has always known. 38753% 38754Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art! 38755Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes. 38756Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart, 38757Vulture, whose wings are dull realities? 38758How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise? 38759Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering 38760To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies, 38761Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing? 38762Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car? 38763And driven the Hamadryad from the wood 38764To seek a shelter in some happier star? 38765Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood, 38766The Elfin from the green grass, and from me 38767The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree? 38768 -- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet" 38769% 38770Scientists still know less about what attracts men 38771than they do about what attracts mosquitoes. 38772 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers, 38773 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men" 38774% 38775Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question. 38776They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that 38777was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were 38778linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights 38779started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there 38780was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky, 38781struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently 38782together. "There is now", came the reply. 38783% 38784Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific, 38785Fain how I pause at your nature specific, 38786Loftily poised in the ether capacious, 38787Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous. 38788Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific, 38789Fain how I pause at your nature specific. 38790% 38791Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance. 38792% 38793SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) 38794 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve 38795 the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most 38796 Scorpio people are murdered. 38797% 38798SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) 38799 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check 38800 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want 38801 to throw up. Knock it off. 38802% 38803SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21) 38804 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million 38805 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to 38806 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance 38807 to win. You never learn. 38808% 38809Scott's First Law: 38810 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. 38811 38812Scott's Second Law: 38813 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found 38814 to have been wrong in the first place. 38815Corollary: 38816 After the correction has been found in error, it will be 38817 impossible to fit the original quantity back into the 38818 equation. 38819% 38820Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! 38821Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? 38822Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. 38823Kirk: Then it's of external origin? 38824Spock: Affirmative. 38825Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. 38826Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. 38827% 38828Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug 38829Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug 38830And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 38831Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, 38832Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall 38833And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 38834And we've also found Just flip one switch 38835When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch 38836You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble 38837Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash. 38838Now the CPU won't run When the CPU 38839And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo," 38840 The system is going to crash. 38841 -- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along 38842% 38843Scratch the disks! 38844Drop the core! 38845Roll the tapes across the floor! 38846% 38847Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. 38848% 38849SCRIBLINE: 38850 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes. 38851 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 38852% 38853'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky! 38854 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix 38855% 38856Sears has everything. 38857% 38858Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks. 38859% 38860Second Law of Business Meetings: 38861 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you 38862 will pick the wrong one. 38863 38864Corollary: 38865 If there is only one way to spell a name, 38866 you will spell it wrong, anyway. 38867% 38868Second Law of Final Exams: 38869 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most 38870 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you. 38871% 38872Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. 38873% 38874Secretary's Revenge: 38875 Filing almost everything under "the". 38876% 38877Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! 38878% 38879Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes? 38880[Who guards the Guardians?] 38881% 38882Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. 38883She scissored short. Sorely shorn, 38884Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, 38885Silently scheming, 38886Sightlessly seeking 38887Some savage, spectacular suicide. 38888 -- Stanislaw Lem 38889% 38890See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause 38891the second one should have seen it. 38892% 38893Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what 38894was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney 38895who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to 38896himself to demonstrate his committment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and 38897asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation. 38898 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so 38899far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches." 38900% 38901Seeing is believing. 38902You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it. 38903% 38904Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing. 38905 -- James Thurber 38906% 38907Seeing that death, a necessary end, 38908Will come when it will come. 38909 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 38910% 38911Seek simplicity -- and distrust it. 38912 -- Alfred North Whitehead 38913% 38914Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were 38915driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the 38916mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by 38917luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged 38918rocks. They all got out of the car: 38919 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it." 38920 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it 38921into town and have a specialist look at it." 38922 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back 38923in and see if it does it again." 38924% 38925Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription 38926counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help 38927you?". 38928 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please." 38929 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would 38930you like me to put it on your bill?" 38931 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?" 38932% 38933Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans 38934to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, 38935the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. 38936During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's 38937work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your 38938dreams!" 38939 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. 38940Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is 38941completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and 38942other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields 38943are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. 38944"Look what God and you have accomplished together!" 38945 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was 38946like when God was working it alone!" 38947% 38948Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska, 38949and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash 38950register. 38951 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?" 38952 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man. 38953 "GRIZZLIES?!?!" 38954 "A few." 38955 "Got any bear bells?" 38956 "What's that?" 38957 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so 38958bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black 38959bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly 38960country, anyhow?" 38961 "Look fer scatt. Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt." 38962 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?" 38963 "Bear bells." 38964% 38965Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll. 38966Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?" 38967 38968In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?" 38969In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?" 38970In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?" 38971In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?" 38972% 38973Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his 38974doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man 38975that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more 38976months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation. 38977Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously, 38978and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better. 38979He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him 38980up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve." 38981 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?" 38982 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within 38983a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne 38984out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth. 38985When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy 38986some new underwear. 38987 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34." 38988 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The 38989salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing 38990that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts. 38991 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you, 38992you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches." 38993% 38994Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for 38995Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed. 38996% 38997Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! 38998 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 38999% 39000Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: 39001 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily. 39002% 39003semper en excretus 39004% 39005SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!! 39006% 39007Send some filthy mail. 39008% 39009Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root. 39010 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide" 39011% 39012SENILITY: 39013 The state of mind of elderly persons 39014 with whom one happens to disagree. 39015% 39016Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very 39017little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists. 39018In fact he is further to the right than General Batista. 39019 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958 39020% 39021Sentient plasmoids are a gas. 39022% 39023Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share. 39024 -- Graham Greene 39025% 39026SERENDIPITY: 39027 The process by which human knowledge is advanced. 39028% 39029Serfs up! 39030 -- Spartacus 39031% 39032Serocki's Stricture: 39033 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. 39034% 39035Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 39036% 39037Set the cart before the horse. 39038 -- John Heywood 39039% 39040Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a 39041swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were 39042there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages 39043retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby, 39044some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the 39045fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite 39046loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security 39047guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's 39048anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 39049% 39050Sex and drugs and rock and roll, 39051Is all my brain and body need. 39052Sex and drugs and rock and roll, 39053Are very good indeed. 39054 39055Take your silly ways, 39056Throw them out the window, 39057The wisdom of your ways, 39058I've been there and I know, 39059Lots of other ways... 39060 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties" 39061% 39062Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly. 39063% 39064Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it. 39065 -- Lewis Grizzard 39066% 39067Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich, 39068if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important. 39069 -- Ian Dury 39070% 39071Sex is an emotion in motion. 39072 -- Mae West 39073% 39074"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is 39075for diet Coke." 39076 -- Malcolm DacDougall 39077% 39078Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. 39079 -- Garrison Keillor 39080% 39081Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad, 39082it's still darn tasty! 39083% 39084Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are 39085unimportant. 39086 -- Henry Miller 39087% 39088Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. 39089 -- M.C. Reed 39090% 39091Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the 39092most amount of trouble. 39093 -- John Barrymore 39094% 39095Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is 39096repeated until infinity. 39097 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist 39098 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines, 39099 1973. 39100% 39101Sex without love is an empty experience, but, 39102as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. 39103 -- Woody Allen 39104% 39105Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon 39106how children do not come into the world. 39107 -- Karl Kraus 39108% 39109Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so! 39110% 39111Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: 39112always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary? 39113 -- J.M. Barrie 39114% 39115Shame is an improper emotion invented by 39116pietists to oppress the human race. 39117 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria" 39118% 39119Shannon's Observation 39120 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation 39121 that is beginning to improve. 39122% 39123share, n: 39124 To give in, endure humiliation. 39125% 39126Shaw's Principle: 39127 Build a system that even a fool can use, 39128 and only a fool will want to use it. 39129% 39130She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking 39131good. 39132 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" 39133% 39134She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, 39135containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax 39136for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having 39137the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use. 39138 39139In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick, 39140not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the 39141worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it." 39142 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House" 39143% 39144She asked me, "What's your sign?" 39145I blinked and answered "Neon," 39146I thought I'd blow her mind... 39147% 39148She been married so many times 39149she got rice marks all over her face. 39150 -- Tom Waits 39151% 39152She blinded me with science! 39153% 39154She can kill all your files; 39155She can freeze with a frown. 39156And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down. 39157And she works on her code until ten after three. 39158She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me. 39159 -- Apologies to Billy Joel 39160% 39161She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. 39162 -- Tommy Manville 39163% 39164She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud. 39165% 39166She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. 39167 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 39168% 39169She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few 39170years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and 39171left. Excited a few men in the meantime. 39172 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's 39173 involvement in "The Avengers". 39174% 39175She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him 39176a look that you could have poured on a waffle. 39177% 39178She often gave herself very good advice 39179(though she very seldom followed it). 39180 -- Lewis Carroll 39181% 39182She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'. 39183 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance 39184% 39185She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. 39186Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored 39187women the world would be a different place, I can tell you. 39188 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple" 39189% 39190She sells cshs by the cshore. 39191% 39192She stood on the tracks 39193Waving her arms 39194Leading me to that third rail shock 39195Quick as a wink 39196She changed her mind 39197 39198She gave me a night 39199That's all it was 39200What will it take until I stop 39201Kidding myself 39202Wasting my time 39203 39204There's nothing else I can do 39205'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna 39206I don't want anyone new 39207'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna 39208There's nothing in it for you 39209'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna 39210 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses) 39211% 39212She was bred in ol' Kentucky 39213But she's just a crumb up here 39214She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed 39215With a cauliflower ear 39216Someday we will be married 39217And if vegetables become too dear 39218I'll just cut me a slice of 39219Her cauliflower ear! 39220 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges" 39221% 39222She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is 39223good at being short. 39224 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe 39225% 39226She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still. 39227% 39228She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver. 39229% 39230She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead! 39231% 39232Shedenhelm's Law: 39233 All trails have more uphill sections 39234 than they have downhill sections. 39235% 39236"Shelter", what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat. 39237% 39238Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then 39239turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a 39240bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last 39241night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British 39242aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.' 39243 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton 39244 bad fiction contest. 39245% 39246Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken 39247him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of 39248stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. 39249 -- Samuel Johnson 39250% 39251Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken 39252him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess 39253of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. 39254 -- Samuel Johnson 39255% 39256She's learned to say things with her eyes 39257that others waste time putting into words. 39258% 39259She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer. 39260% 39261She's such a kinky girl, 39262The kind you don't take home to mother. 39263She will never let your spirits down 39264Once you get her off the street. 39265% 39266She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. 39267 -- Mae West 39268% 39269Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits... 39270% 39271Shick's Law: 39272 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. 39273% 39274Shift to the left, 39275Shift to the right, 39276Mask in, mask out, 39277BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!! 39278% 39279SHIFT TO THE LEFT! 39280SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! 39281POP UP, PUSH DOWN, 39282BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! 39283% 39284Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there. 39285% 39286Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks 39287in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was 39288laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society 39289of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable 39290comments: 39291 39292 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..." 39293 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..." 39294 "A man for all seasons. Really..." 39295 39296After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful 39297it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead 39298body join her long dead brain. 39299% 39300Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, 39301they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee. 39302 -- Terry Southern 39303% 39304Short people get rained on last. 39305% 39306Show business is just like high school, except you get paid. 39307 -- Martin Mull 39308% 39309Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot. 39310Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade. 39311 -- Leo Durocher 39312% 39313Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll 39314show you a man who playing golf with his boss. 39315% 39316Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. 39317% 39318Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response. 39319% 39320Showing up is 80% of life. 39321 -- Woody Allen 39322% 39323Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer. 39324 -- Voltaire 39325% 39326Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. 39327[If youth but knew, if old age but could.] 39328 -- Henri Estienne 39329% 39330Sic transit gloria Monday! 39331% 39332Sic transit gloria mundi. 39333[So passes away the glory of this world.] 39334 -- Thomas a Kempis 39335% 39336Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi. 39337% 39338Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art. 39339% 39340Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips. 39341% 39342Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. 39343 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet 39344% 39345Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak 39346up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to 39347raise bloody hell. 39348 -- Herbert Block 39349% 39350Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves. 39351 -- Thomas Carlyle 39352% 39353Silence is the only virtue you have left. 39354% 39355sillema sillema nika su 39356[translation: look it up...hint-fin] 39357% 39358Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 39359% 39360Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking 39361a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the 39362carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed 39363the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out 39364of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest 39365intersection in town. BUT! 39366 39367Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... 39368BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL! 39369 39370Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient. 39371She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage. 39372(OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty! 39373And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT! 39374 39375Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... 39376BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN! 39377% 39378Silverman's Law: 39379 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 39380% 39381Simon's Law: 39382 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. 39383% 39384Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it. 39385% 39386Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials. 39387 -- Hubert Kirrman 39388% 39389Sin boldly. 39390 -- Martin Luther 39391% 39392Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. 39393% 39394Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. 39395All other "sins" are invented nonsense. 39396(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid). 39397 -- Lazarus Long 39398% 39399Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised 39400when others believe him. 39401 -- Charles DeGaulle 39402% 39403Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace! 39404% 39405Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space, 39406cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward 39407this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune. 39408% 39409Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, 39410having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well 39411burst out in laughter. 39412 -- Long Chen Pa 39413% 39414Since I hurt my pendulum 39415My life is all erratic. 39416My parrot who was cordial 39417Is now transmitting static. 39418The carpet died, a palm collapsed, 39419The cat keeps doing poo. 39420The only thing that keeps me sane 39421Is talking to my shoe. 39422 -- My Shoe 39423% 39424Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos. 39425 -- Tom Stoppard 39426% 39427Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're 39428alive. 39429 -- John Sloan 39430% 39431Sink or Swim with Teddy! 39432% 39433Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever. 39434% 39435Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable. 39436 -- CP30 39437% 39438[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues 39439I dislike and none of the vices I admire. 39440 -- Winston Churchill 39441% 39442Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of 39443Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from 39444loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!" 39445 39446God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all 39447the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way. 39448It'll cost you though". 39449 39450"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and 39451the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?" 39452 39453"An arm and a leg", said God. 39454 39455Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get 39456for a rib?" 39457% 39458Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful 39459objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill 39460gives us modern art. 39461 -- Tom Stoppard 39462% 39463Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): 39464 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, 39465 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you 39466 should have gotten. 39467% 39468skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil 39469h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui135 2 39470kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[, 39471 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf'] 39472 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y 39473 39474 39475Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it! 39476% 39477Slang is language that takes off its coat, 39478spits on its hands, and goes to work. 39479% 39480Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when 39481a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent 39482songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as 39483those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether 39484beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep, 39485breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest 39486anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God 39487for deliverance from chains. 39488 -- Frederick Douglass 39489% 39490Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink. 39491 -- W.C. Fields 39492% 39493Sleep is for the weak and sickly. 39494% 39495Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 39496 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 39497 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 39498 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is 39499 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is 39500 attracted to dark objects. 39501% 39502Slous' Contention: 39503 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. 39504% 39505Slow day. 39506Practice crawling. 39507% 39508SLURM: 39509 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it 39510 sits in the dish too long. 39511 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 39512% 39513Small change can often be found under seat cushions. 39514% 39515Small is beautiful. 39516 -- Schumacher's Dictum 39517% 39518Small things make base men proud. 39519 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 39520% 39521Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my 39522teacher was in my class for five years. 39523 -- George Burns 39524% 39525Smear the road with a runner!! 39526% 39527Smile! You're on Candid Camera. 39528% 39529Smile, Cthulu Loathes You. 39530% 39531Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult. 39532 -- Fran Lebowitz 39533% 39534SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!! 39535 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the 39536 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS), 39537 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on 39538 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be 39539 filed 30 days in advance. 39540% 39541Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 39542 -- Fletcher Knebel 39543% 39544Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts. 39545% 39546Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure! 39547 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office 39548% 39549SNACKTREK: 39550 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly 39551 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will 39552 have materialized. 39553 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 39554% 39555Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? 39556% 39557SNAPPY REPARTEE: 39558 What you'd say if you had another chance. 39559% 39560Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from. 39561% 39562Snow and adolescence are the only problems 39563that disappear if you ignore them long enough. 39564% 39565Snow Day -- stay home. 39566% 39567Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours 39568shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she 39569mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks 39570for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right 39571with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps 39572the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come." 39573% 39574So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they 39575go to work? 39576% 39577So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making. 39578A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force 39579they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because 39580of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose 39581only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only 39582purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of 39583strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force. 39584Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore. 39585 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193 39586% 39587So far as I can remember, there is not one 39588word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. 39589 -- Bertrand Russell 39590% 39591So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far 39592as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical 39593way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist. 39594 -- T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire 39595% 39596So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course 39597of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a 39598friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth 39599could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could 39600use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely- 39601for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible 39602the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to 39603extrapolate the location of their kitchens). 39604 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost" 39605% 39606So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back? 39607% 39608So, if there's no God, who changes the water? 39609 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl 39610% 39611So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. 39612 -- Yogi Berra 39613% 39614So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as 39615large as it needs to be? 39616% 39617So little time, so little to do. 39618 -- Oscar Levant 39619% 39620So live that you wouldn't be ashamed 39621to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. 39622% 39623So many beautiful women and so little time. 39624 -- John Barrymore 39625% 39626So many men and so little time. 39627% 39628So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way. 39629 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 39630% 39631So many women, and so little time! 39632% 39633So many women, so little nerve. 39634% 39635So much food, and so little time! 39636% 39637So much 39638depends 39639upon 39640a red 39641 39642wheel 39643barrow 39644glazed with 39645 39646rain 39647water 39648beside 39649the white 39650chickens. 39651 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow" 39652% 39653So now 39654that you have- 39655 39656you know, whoever 39657 39658you're trying 39659to do 39660 39661a favor 39662for 39663 39664-you've done it- 39665 39666and I'm sure 39667you had 39668 39669a smirk 39670on your mouth 39671 39672as you got me 39673into this. 39674 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, 39675 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio. 39676 From SPY Magazine, November 1992 39677% 39678So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and 39679at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into 39680the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married 39681the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum 39682himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing 39683the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of 39684their boots. 39685 -- Samuel Foote 39686% 39687So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; 39688and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head 39689into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently 39690married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand 39691Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all 39692fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran 39693out at the heels of their boots. 39694 -- Samuel Foote 39695% 39696So so is good, very good, very excellent good: 39697and yet it is not; it is but so so. 39698 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 39699% 39700So... so you think you can tell 39701Heaven from Hell? 39702Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade 39703Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts? 39704From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees? 39705A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze? 39706Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change? 39707 Did you exchange 39708 A walk on part in a war 39709 For the lead role in a cage? 39710 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here" 39711% 39712So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their procedure is 39713to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the 39714waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is 39715bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries. Once the 39716sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless. The general shark attitude 39717seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary." So the divers have to somehow 39718goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know 39719very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will 39720say, in a deeply scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this 39721Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind 39722of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 39723then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very dangerous 39724development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. 39725 -- Dave Barry 39726% 39727So this it it. We're going to die. 39728% 39729So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? 39730And why can't he ever remember his Bible? 39731% 39732So, you better watch out! 39733You better not cry! 39734You better not pout! 39735I'm telling you why, 39736Santa Claus is coming, to town. 39737 39738He knows when you've been sleeping, 39739He know when you're awake. 39740He knows if you've been bad or good, 39741He has ties with the CIA. 39742So... 39743% 39744"So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might 39745 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime." 39746"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David." 39747"Friday, then?" 39748"Why not, David, it might even be fun." 39749 -- Dating in Minnesota 39750% 39751So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality all 39752core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have tomorrow, 39753why, it already happened. You see, its just a little universal recursive joke 39754which threads our lives through the infinite potential of the instant. So go 39755to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment and cast you out of the 39756safe security of the instant into the dark void of eternity, the anti-time. 39757So go to sleep, ... 39758% 39759So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality 39760all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have 39761tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal 39762recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of 39763the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment 39764and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of 39765eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep... 39766% 39767So you think that money is the root of all evil. 39768Have you ever asked what is the root of money? 39769 -- Ayn Rand 39770% 39771So you're back... about time... 39772% 39773Soap and education are not as sudden as a 39774massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. 39775 -- Mark Twain 39776% 39777SOCIALISM: 39778 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour. 39779COMMUNISM: 39780 You have two cows. 39781 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk. 39782CAPITALISM: 39783 You sell one cow and buy a bull. 39784FACISM: 39785 You have two cows. Give milk to the government. 39786 The government sells it. 39787NAZISM: 39788 The government shoots you and takes the cows. 39789NEW DEALISM: 39790 The government shoots one cow, 39791 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. 39792ANARCHISM: 39793 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government. 39794CONSERVATISM: 39795 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows. 39796% 39797Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run 39798like a staff function." 39799 -- Paul Licker 39800% 39801Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 39802"user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all 39803the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover. 39804 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc. 39805% 39806Soldiers who wish to be a hero 39807Are practically zero, 39808But those who wish to be civilians, 39809They run into the millions. 39810% 39811Solipsists of the World... you are already united. 39812 -- Kayvan Sylvan 39813% 39814Solutions are obvious if one only has the 39815optical power to observe them over the horizon. 39816 -- K.A. Arsdall 39817% 39818Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, 39819and some few to be chewed and digested. 39820 -- Francis Bacon 39821 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.] 39822% 39823Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them. 39824Others are so fast, they don't notice you. 39825% 39826Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, 39827as when you find a trout in the milk. 39828 -- Thoreau 39829% 39830Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. 39831% 39832Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning. 39833% 39834Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. 39835 -- Ed Howe 39836% 39837Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right 39838places! 39839 -- Mae West 39840% 39841Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, 39842and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. 39843 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 39844% 39845Some men are discovered; others are found out. 39846% 39847Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think 39848about sex at all... they become lawyers. 39849 -- Woody Allen 39850% 39851Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness 39852that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it. 39853% 39854Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit. 39855 -- Maureen Murphy 39856% 39857Some men feel that the only thing they owe 39858the woman who marries them is a grudge. 39859 -- Helen Rowland 39860% 39861Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear 39862lest she should catch a cold on overexposure. 39863 -- Samuel Butler 39864% 39865Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen. 39866 -- Woodie Guthrie 39867% 39868Some men who fear that they are playing 39869second fiddle aren't in the band at all. 39870% 39871Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is. 39872The answer is: I don't know. 39873Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast? 39874% 39875Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the 39876old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent 39877I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the 3987813th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is 39879the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some 39880Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the 39881Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is 39882an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of 39883"lekare". 39884 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist 39885 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with 39886 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring 39887 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the 39888 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given 39889 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail, 39890 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he 39891 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what 39892 he received, shame and wounds." 39893% 39894Some of the things that live the longest 39895in peoples' memories never really happened. 39896% 39897Some of them want to use you, 39898Some of them want to be used by you, 39899...Everybody's looking for something. 39900 -- Eurythmics 39901% 39902Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. 39903 -- Gloria Steinem 39904% 39905Some parts of the past must be preserved, 39906and some of the future prevented at all costs. 39907% 39908Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. 39909 -- Stephen Wright 39910% 39911Some people around here wouldn't recognize 39912subtlety if it hit them on the head. 39913% 39914Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional 39915transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into 39916two-dimensional ones. 39917 -- F. Frederick Skitty 39918% 39919Some people carve careers, others chisel them. 39920% 39921Some people cause happiness wherever 39922they go; others, whenever they go. 39923% 39924Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, 39925but at least you only have to climb it once. 39926% 39927Some people have a great ambition: to build something 39928that will last, at least until they've finished building it. 39929% 39930Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have 39931only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." 39932% 39933Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled. 39934% 39935Some people have parts that are so private 39936they themselves have no knowledge of them. 39937% 39938Some people live life in the fast lane. 39939You're in oncoming traffic. 39940% 39941Some people manage by the book, even though they 39942don't know who wrote the book or even what book. 39943% 39944Some people need a good imaginary cure 39945for their painful imaginary ailment. 39946% 39947Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed. 39948% 39949Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for. 39950% 39951Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a 39952rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best. 39953 -- P.J. O'Rourke 39954% 39955Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains. 39956They say things they haven't even thought of yet. 39957% 39958Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. 39959% 39960Some say the world will end in fire, 39961Some say in ice. 39962From what I've tasted of desire 39963I hold with those who favor fire. 39964But if it had to perish twice 39965I think I know enough of hate 39966To say that for destruction, ice 39967Is also great 39968And would suffice 39969 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice" 39970% 39971Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books. 39972 -- Folk saying 39973% 39974Some things have to be believed to be seen. 39975% 39976Somebody left the cork out of my lunch. 39977 -- W.C. Fields 39978% 39979Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers 39980so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear. 39981% 39982Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road, 39983Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code, 39984Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck, 39985When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck. 39986 39987Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise, 39988Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice. 39989Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat, 39990That don't smell very nice -- 39991He's nobody's moggy now. 39992 39993Oh you who love your pussy, 39994Be sure to keep him in. 39995Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play 39996The truck is bound to win. On the road way 39997And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that, 39998Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing 39999If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!" 40000It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat! 40001 And your pussy will be slightly dead, 40002He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat! 40003Just red and squashed and soggy -- 40004He's nobody's moggy now. 40005 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper" 40006% 40007Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. 40008I found a pile of them over in the corner. 40009% 40010Someday somebody has got to decide whether the 40011typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it. 40012% 40013Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will 40014probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a 40015blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh. 40016 -- Mister Boffo 40017% 40018Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. 40019 -- Evan Davis 40020% 40021Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it? 40022% 40023Someday your prints will come. 40024 -- Kodak 40025% 40026Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing 40027when I was passing through satisfaction. 40028 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 40029% 40030Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it. 40031% 40032Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York 40033City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to 40034Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound." 40035 -- David Letterman 40036% 40037Someone is speaking well of you. 40038% 40039Someone is speaking well of you. 40040How unusual! 40041% 40042Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. 40043% 40044Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. 40045% 40046Someone will try to honk your nose today. 40047% 40048Something better... 40049 40050 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? 40051 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow. 40052 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore 40053 something larger. Like ... Wyoming. 40054 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us. 40055 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen 40056 minutes late. 40057 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your 40058 own ear. 40059 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't 40060 mind putting that thing away. 40061 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important. 40062 It's what's in it that matters. 40063 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye 40064 Seattle. 4006510 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95. 4006611 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps 40067 changing tempo. 4006812 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose." 40069 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" 40070% 40071Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth. 40072 -- Benjamin Disraeli 40073% 40074Something's rotten in the state of Denmark. 40075 -- Shakespeare 40076% 40077Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder... 40078and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn. 40079 -- N.V. Plyter 40080% 40081Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. 40082 -- Sigmund Freud 40083% 40084Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a 40085fool is despised only because he is a lawyer. 40086 -- Montesquieu 40087% 40088Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm 40089smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them. 40090 -- Richard M. Nixon 40091% 40092Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. 40093 -- Seneca 40094% 40095Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away, 40096Looking at me, I got nothin' to say. 40097Don't make me angry with the things games that you play, 40098Either light up or leave me alone. 40099% 40100Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and 40101the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the 40102world. 40103 -- Robert Stone 40104% 40105Sometimes I live in the country, 40106And sometimes I live in town. 40107And sometimes I have a great notion, 40108To jump in the river and drown. 40109% 40110Sometimes I simply feel that the whole 40111world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray. 40112% 40113Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. 40114Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever. 40115 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame" 40116% 40117Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. 40118 -- Lily Tomlin 40119% 40120Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes. 40121 -- Repo Man 40122% 40123Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools. 40124% 40125SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw 40126back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears 40127me because I am beautiful. 40128 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 40129% 40130Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something. 40131% 40132Sometimes the light is all shining on me, 40133Other times I can hardly see. 40134Lately it occurs to me 40135What a long strange trip it's been. 40136 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty" 40137% 40138Sometimes, too long is too long. 40139 -- Joe Crowe 40140% 40141Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel 40142like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat 40143before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and 40144forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity. 40145 -- Snoopy 40146% 40147Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means 40148to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her. 40149 -- Andy Capp 40150% 40151Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone 40152else is driving. 40153 -- David Letterman 40154% 40155Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living. 40156% 40157Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. 40158% 40159Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a 40160woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. 40161 -- Sam Levenson 40162% 40163Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. 40164 -- Carl Sagan 40165% 40166Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which 40167the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can 40168make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears. 40169But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider. 40170 -- Sky Masterson's Father 40171% 40172Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. 40173(Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie). 40174% 40175Sorry. Nice try. 40176% 40177Sorry never means having you're say to love. 40178% 40179Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly 40180big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the 40181drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. 40182 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 40183% 40184Space is to place as eternity is to time. 40185 -- Joseph Joubert 40186% 40187Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve. 40188 -- Wheeler 40189% 40190Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. 40191Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life 40192and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before. 40193 -- Captain James T. Kirk 40194% 40195SPAGMUMPS: 40196 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items. 40197 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 40198% 40199Speak roughly to your little boy, 40200 And beat him when he sneezes: 40201He only does it to annoy 40202 Because he knows it teases. 40203 40204 Wow! wow! wow! 40205 40206I speak severely to my boy, 40207 And beat him when he sneezes: 40208For he can thoroughly enjoy 40209 The pepper when he pleases! 40210 40211 Wow! wow! wow! 40212% 40213Speak roughly to your little Vax, 40214And boot it when it crashes; 40215It knows that one cannot relax 40216Because the paging thrashes! 40217 40218I speak severely to my Vax, 40219And boot it when it crashes; 40220In spite of all my favorite hacks, 40221My jobs it always trashes! 40222% 40223Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. 40224% 40225"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though 40226ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, 40227mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, 40228thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has 40229moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust, 40230and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate 40231earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful 40232water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or 40233diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers 40234would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when 40235leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting 40236wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the 40237murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell 40238into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed 40239on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would 40240have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has 40241seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one 40242syllable is thine!" 40243 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick" 40244% 40245Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure 40246that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing, 40247all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third? 40248Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the 40249result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure 40250parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different 40251types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a 40252recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language 40253so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? 40254% 40255Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these 40256days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate 40257with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children 40258who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in 40259these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours 40260bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't 40261communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up! 40262 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" 40263% 40264Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's 40265on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites! 40266% 40267Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!! 40268Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited 40269young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate 40270students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions. 40271Faculty members especially welcome. 40272% 40273Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the 40274motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, 40275when the driver will be permitted to make what he can. 40276 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907 40277% 40278Spence's Admonition: 40279 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane. 40280% 40281Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. 40282% 40283SPINSTER: 40284 A bachelor's wife. 40285% 40286SPIRTLE: 40287 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands 40288 right in your eye. 40289 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 40290% 40291Spock: The odds of surviving another 40292attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain. 40293% 40294Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain. 40295% 40296SPOUSE: 40297 Someone who'll stand by you through all the 40298 trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. 40299% 40300Spring is here, spring is here, 40301Life is skittles and life is beer. 40302% 40303SQUATCHO: 40304 The button at the top of a baseball cap. 40305 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 40306% 40307Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick. 40308% 40309St. Patrick was a gentleman 40310who through strategy and stealth 40311drove all the snakes from Ireland. 40312Here's a toasting to his health -- 40313but not too many toastings 40314lest you lose yourself and then 40315forget the good St. Patrick 40316and see all those snakes again. 40317% 40318Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion. 40319% 40320Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes. 40321% 40322Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last 40323words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are 40324now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice." 40325 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under 40326his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2. 40327 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't 40328open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well, 40329open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if 40330after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And 40331with a gasp Stalin breathed his last. 40332 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems -- 40333unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it 40334was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!" 40335So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin 40336for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system. 40337 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much 40338deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter. 40339 All it said was: "Write two letters." 40340% 40341Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS. 40342% 40343Stamp out philately. 40344% 40345STANDARDS: 40346 The principles we use to reject other people's code. 40347% 40348Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by 40349no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for 40350something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth. 40351 -- Chuang Tzu 40352% 40353Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. 40354% 40355Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men: 40356they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night. 40357% 40358Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; 40359Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest 40360science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all 40361on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up! 40362 -- Harlan Ellison 40363% 40364Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. 40365 -- W.C. Fields 40366% 40367Start the day with a smile. 40368After that you can be your nasty old self again. 40369% 40370State license plates we'd like to see: 40371 40372 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS 40373 LVME 10DR OW-A CAH 40374LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE 40375 40376 HAWAII WISCONSIN 40377 L-O HA CHEDDAR 40378FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE 40379% 40380State license plates we'd like to see: 40381 40382 ALABAMA ARIZONA 40383 IC1 NOW 120 F 40384THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE 40385 40386 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI 40387 5:36 EXP 4I4S2PS 40388WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE 40389 40390 TEXAS FLORIDA 40391 1-2-3 HIKE ZON KED 40392 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER 40393% 40394State license plates we'd like to see: 40395 40396 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA 40397 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X 40398EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE 40399 40400 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY 40401 WL-GOLLY ARG GGH 40402HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE 40403 40404 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC 40405 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC 40406THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810 40407 MOVIE STATE 40408% 40409STATISTICS: 40410 A system for expressing your political 40411 prejudices in convincing scientific guise. 40412% 40413Statistics are no substitute for judgement. 40414 -- Henry Clay 40415% 40416Statistics means never having to say you're certain. 40417% 40418Stay away from flying saucers today. 40419% 40420Stay away from hurricanes for a while. 40421% 40422Stay the curse. 40423% 40424Stay together, drag each other down. 40425% 40426Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time, 40427There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying, 40428One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying, 40429 40430And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late, 40431Though we really did try to make it, 40432Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it... 40433 40434It used to be so easy living here with you, 40435You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do 40436Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool. 40437 40438There'll be good times again for me and you, 40439But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too? 40440But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you... 40441 40442But it's too late baby... 40443It's too late, now darling, it's too late... 40444 -- Carol King, "Tapestry" 40445% 40446Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So 40447long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental 40448hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, 40449its rate is a matter of discretion. 40450 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber" 40451% 40452Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. 40453% 40454Steckel's Rule to Success: 40455 Good enough is never good enough. 40456% 40457Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: 40458 Everybody should believe in something -- 40459 I believe I'll have another drink. 40460% 40461Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays. 40462Embezzlement is another matter. 40463% 40464Stenderup's Law: 40465 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up. 40466% 40467Step back, unbelievers! 40468Or the rain will never come. 40469Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum. 40470You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane, 40471But I swear to you, before this day is out, 40472 you folks are gonna see some rain! 40473% 40474Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle 40475Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad 40476so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he 40477wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's 40478very little call for those up there. 40479 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone 40480% 40481Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth. 40482Say, do you have a map to the next joint? 40483% 40484Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise. 40485 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984 40486% 40487Stock's Observation: 40488 You no sooner get your head above water 40489 but what someone pulls your flippers off. 40490% 40491Stone's Law: 40492 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?" 40493% 40494Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was. 40495And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes 40496in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and 40497Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The 40498way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage 40499on the credulity of human nature. 40500% 40501Stop me, before I kill again! 40502% 40503Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 40504% 40505Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 40506Now, if they'd only take a bath... 40507% 40508Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you. 40509% 40510Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. 40511% 40512Strange things are done to be number one 40513In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs, 40514IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box 40515Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons, 40516And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox 40517But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future 40518Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright, 40519By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold; 40520 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte 40521 Would ship for Celtic gold. 40522The movers came to crate the frame; 40523It weighed a million ton! 40524The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you 40525(the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages; 40526"They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship 40527 spat, What's in your brochure's pages. 40528"Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells 40529"It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver; 40530"And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute 40531 Because they couldn't deliver. 40532 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge" 40533% 40534STRATEGY: 40535 A comprehensive plan of inaction. 40536% 40537Strategy: 40538 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime 40539 after those creating it have left the organization. 40540% 40541Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts. 40542% 40543Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload 40544and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn 40545the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the 40546"Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and 40547implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax 40548and have a nice day. 40549% 40550Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all 40551real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an 40552understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. 40553 -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 40554% 40555Stult's Report: 40556 Our problems are mostly behind us. 40557 What we have to do now is fight the solutions. 40558% 40559STUPID: 40560 Losing $25 on the tackle and $25 on the instant replay. 40561% 40562Stupidity is its own reward. 40563% 40564Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative. 40565% 40566Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re. 40567Se non e vero, e ben trovato. 40568% 40569Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your 40570editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. 40571 -- Mark Twain 40572% 40573Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the 40574way before it is understood. 40575% 40576Subtlety is the art of saying what you think 40577and getting out of the way before it is understood 40578% 40579Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names 40580the streets after them. 40581 -- Bill Vaughn 40582% 40583Success is a journey, not a destination. 40584% 40585Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get. 40586% 40587Success is in the minds of Fools. 40588 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578 40589% 40590Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have 40591made of things. 40592 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion" 40593% 40594Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until. 40595% 40596Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong. 40597 -- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 40598% 40599Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. 40600% 40601Such a fine first dream! 40602But they laughed at me; they said 40603I had made it up. 40604% 40605Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion, 40606when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace. 40607% 40608Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political, 40609petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality. 40610 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts 40611% 40612Such evil deeds could religion prompt. 40613 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 40614% 40615Sudden Death Dating: 40616 40617Quote, female: 40618 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it, 40619 at this point I'll take his first name, too. 40620% 40621Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; 40622The deed there is, but no doer thereof; 40623Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; 40624The Path there is, but none who travel it. 40625 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values 40626% 40627Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier. 40628% 40629Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity. 40630% 40631Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism. 40632 -- Donald Kaul 40633% 40634Sum quod eris. 40635% 40636Sun in the night, everyone is together, 40637Ascending into the heavens, life is forever. 40638 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night" 40639% 40640SUN Microsystems: 40641 The Network IS the Load Average. 40642% 40643SUNSET: 40644 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths, 40645 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with 40646 progressively reducing solar elevation. 40647% 40648Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy 40649have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging. 40650 -- Martin Luther 40651% 40652Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics? 40653Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of 40654 Quantum Mechanics? 40655Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you? 40656Supervisee: Yes. 40657 -- Overheard at a supervision. 40658% 40659Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets. 40660% 40661Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!! 40662% 40663Support the American Kidney Foundation. 40664Don't wear your motorcycle helmet. 40665% 40666Support the Girl Scouts! 40667 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!) 40668% 40669Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! 40670 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, 40671 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association 40672% 40673Support your local church or synagogue. 40674Worship at Bank of America. 40675% 40676Support your right to arm bears!! 40677% 40678Support your right to bare arms! 40679 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association 40680% 40681Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same 40682rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more 40683efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the 40684analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a 40685Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and 40686it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you 40687were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on 40688a pinhead. 40689 -- Christopher Evans 40690% 40691Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. 40692But what if he forgets? 40693% 40694Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest 40695men in national government too. 40696 -- Richard M. Nixon 40697% 40698Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are 40699dishonest men in national government too. 40700 -- Richard Nixon 40701% 40702"Surely you can't be serious." 40703"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley." 40704% 40705Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average. 40706% 40707Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! 40708Just type in your name and social security number. 40709Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law: 40710 40711Name # 40712 40713 40714% 40715Surprise due today. Also the rent. 40716% 40717Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. 40718% 40719sushi, n: 40720 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and 40721 strapped on with electrical tape. 40722% 40723Sushido, n: 40724 The way of the tuna. 40725% 40726Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. 40727 -- Wm. Shakespeare 40728% 40729Swap read error. You lose your mind. 40730% 40731SWEATER: 40732 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly. 40733% 40734Sweet April showers do spring May flowers. 40735 -- Thomas Tusser 40736% 40737Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess, 40738And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes". 40739% 40740Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, 40741whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through 40742the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly 40743I rush! 40744 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick" 40745% 40746Swipple's Rule of Order: 40747 He who shouts the loudest has the floor. 40748% 40749Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is 40750 unusually pale and clear. 40751Problem: Glass empty. 40752Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 40753 40754Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, 40755 and the front of your shirt is wet. 40756Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to 40757 wrong part of face. 40758Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. 40759 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. 40760 40761 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40762% 40763Symptom: Everything has gone dark. 40764Fault: The Bar is closing. 40765Action Required: Panic. 40766 40767Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. 40768 You cannot see the bathroom light. 40769Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter. 40770Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, 40771 treat yourself to a lie-in. 40772 40773 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40774% 40775Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty. 40776Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. 40777Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points 40778 toward ceiling. 40779 40780Symptom: Feet warm and wet. 40781Fault: Improper bladder control. 40782Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain 40783 to the owner about its lack of house training and 40784 demand a beer as compensation. 40785 40786 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40787% 40788Symptom: Floor blurred. 40789Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. 40790Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 40791 40792Symptom: Floor moving. 40793Fault: You are being carried out. 40794Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, 40795 complain loudly that you are being kidnapped. 40796 40797 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40798% 40799Symptom: Floor swaying. 40800Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey 40801 game in progress. 40802Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. 40803 40804Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts 40805 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth. 40806Fault: You have fallen forward. 40807Action Required: See above. 40808 40809Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several 40810 flourescent light strips. 40811Fault: You have fallen over backward. 40812Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your 40813 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help 40814 you get up, lash yourself to bar. 40815 40816 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40817% 40818Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. 40819 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 40820% 40821System checkpoint complete. 40822% 40823System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing. 40824% 40825System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug. 40826% 40827System going down in 5 minutes. 40828% 40829System restarting, wait... 40830% 40831System/3! System/3! 40832See how it runs! See how it runs! 40833 Its monitor loses so totally! 40834 It runs all its programs in RPG! 40835 It's made by our favorite monopoly! 40836System/3! 40837% 40838SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT: 40839 Works equally poorly on all systems. 40840% 40841Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad 40842infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. 40843 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 40844% 40845Systems programmer: 40846 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior 40847 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you 40848 are to receive from your boss. 40849% 40850Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. 40851 -- R.S. Barton 40852% 40853T: One big monster, he called TROLL. 40854 He don't rock, and he don't roll; 40855 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. 40856 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. 40857 -- The Roguelet's ABC 40858% 40859TACKY: 40860 Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions. 40861% 40862TACT: 40863 The unsaid part of what you're thinking. 40864% 40865Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far. 40866 -- Jean Cocteau 40867% 40868Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far. 40869 -- Jean Cocteau 40870% 40871Tact is the ability to tell a man he has 40872an open mind when he has a hole in his head. 40873% 40874Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. 40875% 40876Take a lesson from the whale; the only time 40877he gets speared is when he raises to spout. 40878% 40879Take an astronaut to launch. 40880% 40881Take care of the luxuries and the 40882necessities will take care of themselves. 40883 -- L. Long 40884% 40885Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves. 40886 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service 40887% 40888Take everything in stride. 40889Trample anyone who gets in your way. 40890% 40891TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION: 40892 Do something that should have been done a long time ago. 40893% 40894Take it easy, we're in a hurry. 40895% 40896Take me drunk, 40897I'm home again! 40898% 40899Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, 40900but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. 40901 -- Kipling 40902% 40903Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your 40904merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people 40905have given them to you. 40906% 40907Take what you can use and let the rest go by. 40908 -- Ken Kesey 40909% 40910Take your dying with some seriousness, however. 40911Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood 40912by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy. 40913 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 40914% 40915Take your Senator to lunch this week. 40916% 40917Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not 40918take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously. 40919 -- Booth Tarkington 40920% 40921Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever 40922got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club. 40923 -- Rev. Jim 40924% 40925Talent does what it can. 40926Genius does what it must. 40927You do what you get paid to do. 40928% 40929Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand. 40930% 40931Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. 40932 -- Euripides 40933% 40934Talkers are no good doers. 40935 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 40936% 40937Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. 40938 -- Laurie Anderson 40939% 40940Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. 40941 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 40942% 40943Tallulah Bankhead barged down the 40944Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank. 40945 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 40946% 40947Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred, 40948Tan me hide when I'm dead. 40949So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde, 40950It's hanging there on the shed. 40951 40952All together now... 40953 Tie me kangaroo down, sport, 40954 Tie me kangaroo down. 40955 Tie me kangaroo down, sport, 40956 Tie me kangaroo down. 40957% 40958Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey 40959will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar. 40960 -- B. Franklin 40961% 40962TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) 40963 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination 40964 and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull 40965 headed. You are a Communist. 40966% 40967TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20) 40968 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will 40969 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance 40970 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels. 40971% 40972TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20) 40973 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep, 40974 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will 40975 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday. 40976% 40977TAX OFFICE: 40978 Den of inequity. 40979% 40980Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't 40981tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree." 40982 -- Russell Long 40983% 40984TAXES: 40985 Of life's two certainties, 40986 the only one for which you can get an extension. 40987% 40988TAXES: 40989 Of life's two certainties, the only one for 40990 which you can get an extension. 40991% 40992Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. 40993% 40994TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1: 40995 40996Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what pased for them in that era. 40997Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think 40998of our community as the Galapagos of the English language. 40999 41000"Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs." 41001 -- Dave Mills 41002% 41003Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, 41004when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway. 41005% 41006Teachers have class. 41007% 41008TEAMWORK: 41009 Having someone to blame. 41010% 41011Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. 41012% 41013Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for 41014slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: 41015"Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the 41016head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other 41017side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by 41018instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did 41019not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that 41020being only an inference. 41021 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 41022% 41023Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow 41024is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see 41025before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw 41026this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole 41027being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to 41028work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes 41029itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I 41030slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the 41031difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program. 41032I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for 41033a moment and then log off. 41034% 41035Technological progress has merely provided us 41036with more efficient means for going backwards. 41037 -- Aldous Huxley 41038% 41039Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. 41040% 41041Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to. 41042 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 41043% 41044Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before 41045you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew 41046but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't 41047already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death. 41048 -- Erma Bombeck 41049% 41050telephone, n.: 41051 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of 41052making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 41053 -- Ambrose Bierce 41054% 41055TELEPRESSION: 41056 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try 41057 hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the 41058 burden on the directory assistant. 41059 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 41060% 41061Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. 41062 -- Ernie Kovacs 41063% 41064Television -- the longest amateur night in history. 41065 -- Robert Carson 41066% 41067Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs. 41068 -- Alfred Hitchcock 41069% 41070Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than 41071each other. 41072 -- Ann Landers 41073% 41074Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. 41075 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs 41076% 41077Television is now so desperately hungry for material 41078that it is scraping the top of the barrel. 41079 -- Gore Vidal 41080% 41081Television only proves that people will look at anything -- 41082rather than each other. 41083% 41084Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll 41085believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have 41086to touch to be sure. 41087% 41088Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, 41089Is those things arms, or is they legs? 41090I marvel at thee, Octopus; 41091If I were thou, I'd call me us. 41092 -- Ogden Nash 41093% 41094Tell me what to think!!! 41095% 41096Tell me why the stars do shine, 41097Tell me why the ivy twines, 41098Tell me why the sky's so blue, 41099And I will tell you just why I love you. 41100 41101 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine, 41102 Phototropism makes ivy twine, 41103 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue, 41104 Sexual hormones are why I love you. 41105% 41106Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally 41107promoting a falsehood, isn't it? 41108 -- A. Hope 41109% 41110Tempt me with a spoon! 41111% 41112Tempt not a desperate man. 41113 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" 41114% 41115Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to 41116shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable. 41117 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his 41118entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a seven 41119showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as a third die slipped out of 41120his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a word. 41121Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket and 41122handed the others to Dutsky. 41123 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen." 41124% 41125Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to 41126shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable. 41127 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his 41128entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a 41129seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out 41130of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a 41131word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket 41132and handed the others to Dutsky. 41133 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen." 41134% 41135Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent. 41136 -- Napoleon I 41137% 41138Ten years of rejection slips is nature's 41139way of telling you to stop writing. 41140 -- R. Geis 41141% 41142Terence, this is stupid stuff: 41143You eat your victuals fast enough; 41144There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, 41145To see the rate you drink your beer. 41146But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, 41147It gives a chap the belly-ache. 41148The cow, the old cow, she is dead; 41149It sleeps well the horned head: 41150We poor lads, 'tis our turn now 41151To hear such tunes as killed the cow. 41152Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme 41153Your friends to death before their time. 41154Moping, melancholy mad: 41155Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. 41156 -- A.E. Housman 41157% 41158Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave 41159school, and then work, work, work till we die. 41160 -- C.S. Lewis 41161% 41162Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising 41163amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered 41164the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling 41165to risk offending God's grandmother. 41166 -- Len Cool, "American Pie" 41167% 41168Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan, 41169and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about 41170his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the 41171sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd). 41172This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said: 41173 "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it 41174 is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain because it 41175 is impossible." 41176Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of 41177philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. 41178 -- C.G. Jung, "Psychological Types" 41179 [Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.] 41180% 41181Test for paraquat: 41182 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's 41183 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves, 41184 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium 41185 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present, 41186 the solution will turn blue-green. 41187% 41188Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence. 41189 -- Dijkstra 41190% 41191Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. 41192% 41193TEUTONIC: 41194 Not enough gin. 41195% 41196TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this 41197century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in 41198terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press. 41199 -- Gordon Bell 41200% 41201Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean 41202of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities. 41203"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the 41204unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter 41205the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he 41206told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach", 41207the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked. 41208"Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and 41209called you from here." 41210% 41211Texas is Hell on woman and horses. 41212 -- Wayne Oakes 41213% 41214Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies. 41215 -- Adolf Hitler 41216% 41217Thank you for observing all safety precautions. 41218% 41219That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers. 41220 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde" 41221% 41222That does not compute. 41223% 41224That feeling just came over me. 41225 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler" 41226% 41227That government is best which governs least. 41228 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience" 41229% 41230That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love, 41231that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love 41232in the same way as us. 41233 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 41234% 41235That money talks, 41236I'll not deny, 41237I heard it once, 41238It said "Good-bye. 41239 -- Richard Armour 41240% 41241That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all. 41242 -- Moliere 41243% 41244That segment of the community with which one has the greatest 41245sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most 41246narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community. 41247% 41248That that is is that that is not is not. 41249% 41250That, that is, is. 41251That, that is not, is not. 41252That, that is, is not that, that is not. 41253That, that is not, is not that, that is. 41254% 41255...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by 41256the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on 41257hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS. 41258A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the 41259liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the 41260REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ... 41261 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan 41262% 41263That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. 41264% 41265That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. 41266 -- Dorothy Parker 41267% 41268That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is 41269remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not 41270write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book. 41271 -- Heine 41272% 41273That's always the way when you discover 41274something new; everyone thinks you're crazy. 41275 -- Evelyn E. Smith 41276% 41277That's life. 41278 What's life? 41279A magazine. 41280 How much does it cost? 41281Two-fifty. 41282 I only have a dollar. 41283That's life. 41284% 41285That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone 41286who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that 41287thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that 41288thing is, so it can't hurt you no more. 41289 -- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn" 41290% 41291"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be 41292omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l." 41293 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 41294% 41295That's no moon... 41296 -- Obi-wan Kenobi 41297% 41298That's odd. That's very odd. 41299Wouldn't you say that's very odd? 41300% 41301That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind. 41302 -- Neil Armstrong 41303% 41304That's the most fun I've had without laughing. 41305 -- Woody Allen, on sex 41306% 41307That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they 41308really hate is lousy programmers. 41309 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty" 41310% 41311That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows 41312returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball. 41313 -- Bill Veeck 41314% 41315That's what she said. 41316% 41317That's where the money was. 41318 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank 41319 41320It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. 41321 -- Willie Sutton 41322% 41323The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. 41324 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked. 41325 "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely, 41326"and go on till you come to the end: then stop." 41327 -- Lewis Carroll 41328% 41329The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8. 41330 -- R.B. Greenberg 41331% 41332The 357.73 Theory -- 41333 Auditors always reject expense accounts 41334 with a bottom line divisible by 5. 41335% 41336The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. 41337% 41338The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. 41339Don't ever do this to my eyes again. 41340 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College 41341% 41342The Abrams' Principle: 41343 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. 41344% 41345The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing. 41346 -- T. Cheatham 41347% 41348The absent ones are always at fault. 41349% 41350The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth. 41351 -- A. Camus 41352% 41353The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. 41354 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 41355% 41356The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech. 41357 -- Clifton Fadiman 41358% 41359The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither 41360hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that 41361makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain 41362undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely 41363anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal. 41364 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930 41365% 41366The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one 41367does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home. 41368 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour" 41369% 41370The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that 41371he is already degraded. 41372 -- George Orwell 41373% 41374The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex 41375facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it. 41376 -- Whitehead. 41377% 41378The alarm clock that is louder than God's own 41379belongs to the roommate with the earliest class. 41380% 41381The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete. 41382For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*. 41383 -- Bart Miller 41384% 41385The all-softening overpowering knell, 41386The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell. 41387 -- Lord Byron 41388% 41389The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see 41390fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen. 41391 -- Winston Churchill, 1942 41392% 41393The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends 41394to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon. 41395 41396Film at 11:00. 41397% 41398The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the 41399eagle -- on the back of a dollar. 41400 -- Finlay Peter Dunne 41401% 41402The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism, 41403call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great 41404opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it. 41405 -- Al Capone 41406% 41407The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the 41408pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond. 41409% 41410The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured 41411in billigrahams. 41412% 41413The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns 41414just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves. 41415 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer 41416% 41417The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists 41418of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown 41419Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, 41420even better, nobody has to play it. 41421 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 41422% 41423The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter: 41424 I don't mind... and you don't matter. 41425 41426 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana 41427% 41428The Angels want to wear my red shoes. 41429 -- E. Costello 41430% 41431The anger of a woman is the greatest evil 41432with which you can threaten your enemies. 41433 -- Bonnard 41434% 41435The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from 41436sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin. 41437 --Salvador De Madariaga 41438% 41439The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can. 41440 -- Albertano of Brescia 41441% 41442The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither 41443doctors nor lawyers. 41444 -- L. Docquier 41445% 41446The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in 41447session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing, 41448advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of 41449publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle- 41450giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it, 41451we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of 41452book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the 41453field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu- 41454ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be 41455very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out- 41456lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for 41457courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S., 41458[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been 41459arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right 41460time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially 41461for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as 41462then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts -- 41463 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk, 41464 And dare not stray to ideas new, 41465 For if t'were tried they might e'en work 41466 And for a living what woulds't we do? 41467% 41468The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is... 41469 41470 Four day work week, 41471 Two ply toilet paper! 41472% 41473The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was 41474released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, 41475Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons. 41476% 41477The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go 41478and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. 41479All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. 41480"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows 41481their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. 41482Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how 41483the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need 41484logs to multiply." 41485% 41486The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will 41487never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive 41488and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read 41489through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle. 41490 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer 41491% 41492The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. 41493Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed 41494and color, but also on ability. 41495 -- T. Lehrer 41496% 41497The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. 41498 -- Bill Murray 41499% 41500The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in 41501effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the 41502Declaration not for that, but for future use. 41503 -- Abraham Lincoln 41504% 41505The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that 41506Jupiter can have no satellites: 41507 41508 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two 41509eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two 41510unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent. 41511From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven 41512metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number 41513of planets is necessarily seven. [...] 41514 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and 41515therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless 41516and therefore do not exist. 41517% 41518The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. 41519% 41520The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she 41521knows that the average man can see much better than he can think. 41522 -- Ladies' Home Journal 41523% 41524The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in 41525the morning feeling just terrible. 41526 -- Jean Kerr 41527% 41528The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM. 41529% 41530The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling 41531a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog. 41532% 41533The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero. 41534% 41535The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from 41536one graveyard to another. 41537 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England" 41538% 41539The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain 41540disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help 41541feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is 41542their father. 41543 -- Mencken 41544% 41545The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned 41546into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D. 41547 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work" 41548% 41549The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that 41550carries any reward. 41551 -- John Maynard Keynes 41552% 41553The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn, 41554Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn, 41555And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone, 41556 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS! 41557 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days" 41558% 41559The bank sent our statement this morning, 41560The red ink was a sight of great awe! 41561Their figures and mine might have balanced, 41562But my wife was too quick on the draw. 41563% 41564The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. 41565Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to 41566park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also 41567dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big 41568difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to 41569do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. 41570I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup 41571truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" 41572on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the 41573accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, 41574whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall 41575parking lots. 41576 -- Dave Barry 41577% 41578The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd 41579And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; 41580The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth 41581And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. 41582These signs forerun the death or fall of kings. 41583 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II" 41584% 41585THE BEATLES: 41586 Paul McCartney's old back-up band. 41587% 41588The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. 41589% 41590The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer. 41591 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike 41592 41593 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I 41594 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only 41595 Memory". Ed.] 41596% 41597The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk. 41598 -- Maurice Baring 41599% 41600The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; 41601but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. 41602% 41603The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, 41604 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. 41605Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, 41606 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. 41607The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan, 41608 live with a British wife, and eat American food. 41609 41610 --Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine 41611% 41612The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. 41613 -- W.C. Fields 41614% 41615The best defense against logic is ignorance. 41616% 41617The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion -- 41618but doesn't. 41619 -- Tom Crichton 41620% 41621The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank. 41622 -- Scotty 41623% 41624The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive. 41625However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours 41626by judging things by their price. 41627% 41628The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do 41629what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with 41630them while they do it. 41631 -- Theodore Roosevelt 41632% 41633The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department. 41634% 41635The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. 41636 -- Blair 41637% 41638The best man for the job is often a woman. 41639% 41640The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good 41641head waiter. 41642 -- Nubar Gulbenkian 41643% 41644The best portion of a good man's life, his little, 41645nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love. 41646 -- Wordsworth 41647% 41648The best prophet of the future is the past. 41649% 41650The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the 41651redoubtable John W. Campbell: 41652 41653 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the 41654 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now 41655 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is 41656 being read by a corpse. 41657% 41658The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and 41659fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are 41660drifting side by side to our common doom. 41661 -- Clarence Darrow 41662% 41663The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected 41664company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie. 41665% 41666The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. 41667% 41668The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80. 41669% 41670The best things in life are for a fee. 41671% 41672The best things in life go on sale sooner or later. 41673% 41674The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared. 41675% 41676The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities." 41677% 41678The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect. 41679% 41680The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. 41681% 41682The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to 41683smoke is a right worth dying for. 41684% 41685The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around 41686scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but 41687when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward 41688way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention. 41689Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't 41690work either.... They tried it during Prohibition. 41691 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler 41692% 41693The best you get is an even break. 41694 -- Franklin Adams 41695% 41696The better part of valor is discretion. 41697 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 41698% 41699The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. 41700To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task. 41701 -- Nietzsche 41702% 41703The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments 41704to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. 41705It's just that they need more supervision. 41706% 41707The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could 41708never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma. 41709 -- Abraham Lincoln 41710% 41711The Bible on letters of reference: 41712 41713 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do 41714we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you? 41715No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any 41716man can see it for what it is and read it for himself. 41717 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation 41718% 41719The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries. 41720 -- Nora Ephron 41721% 41722The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen 41723and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like 41724women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any 41725more at twenty-one than you did at ten. 41726 -- Jules Feiffer 41727% 41728The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted 41729themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate 41730this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are 41731hungry all the time? 41732% 41733The bigger they are, the harder they hit. 41734% 41735The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. 41736 -- Merrick Furst 41737% 41738The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are 41739working for someone else. 41740% 41741The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has 41742occurred. 41743% 41744The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ... 41745and the bird is on the wing. 41746 -- Omar Khayyam 41747% 41748The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals 41749because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage 41750and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in 41751Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens 41752of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage 41753containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist 41754put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels 41755of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists." 41756% 41757The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. 41758% 41759The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives. 41760 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project 41761% 41762The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first 41763half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and 41764pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who 41765hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice 41766for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time 41767during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it 41768but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know. 41769 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 41770% 41771The boy stood on the burning deck, 41772Eating peanuts by the peck. 41773His father called him, but he could not go, 41774For he loved those peanuts so. 41775% 41776The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment 41777you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work. 41778% 41779The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development: 41780 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a 41781 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add 41782 one, and convert to the next higher units. 41783% 41784The British are coming! The British are coming! 41785% 41786The broad mass of a nation... will more easily 41787fall victim to a big lie than to a small one. 41788 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 41789% 41790The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing 41791and humiliating reality. 41792 -- Oscar Wilde 41793% 41794The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a 41795digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top 41796of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean 41797the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself. 41798 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 41799% 41800The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only 41801the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time. 41802 -- Kay Bostic 41803% 41804The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State 41805Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George 41806Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his 41807time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last 41808Days of Pompeii." 41809 41810Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse, 41811beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord 41812Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford," 41813written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad: 41814 41815 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except 41816 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of 41817 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene 41818 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty 41819 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. 41820% 41821The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better 41822people, and don't come in clearly enough. 41823 -- Bill Maher 41824% 41825The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted 41826sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first 41827time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve 41828into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent 41829with Basil. 41830 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 41831% 41832The carbonyl is polarized, 41833The delta end is plus. 41834The nucleophile will thus attack, 41835The carbon nucleus. 41836Addition makes an alcohol, 41837Of types there are but three. 41838It makes a bond, to correspond, 41839From C to shining C. 41840 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful" 41841% 41842The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. 41843 -- Herbert von Fritzlar 41844% 41845The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-distruction. 41846% 41847The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and 41848sometimes three. 41849 -- Alexandre Dumas 41850% 41851The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up 41852at the steam fitters picnic. 41853% 41854The chief cause of problems is solutions. 41855 -- Eric Sevareid 41856% 41857The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense 41858 -- Picasso 41859% 41860The church is near but the road is icy, 41861the bar is far away but I will walk carefully. 41862 -- Russian Proverb 41863% 41864The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture. 41865 -- Elbert Hubbard 41866% 41867The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards, 41868specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of 41869rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine... 41870% 41871The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom. 41872% 41873The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness. 41874 -- John Muir 41875% 41876The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; 41877the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a 41878military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and 41879private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion; 41880and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes 41881who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity. 41882 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" 41883% 41884The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 41885% 41886The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a 41887job application. 41888% 41889The closest to perfection a person ever comes 41890is when he fills out a job application form. 41891 -- Stanley J. Randall 41892% 41893The clothes have no emperor. 41894 -- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA. 41895% 41896The coast was clear. 41897 -- Lope de Vega 41898% 41899The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his 41900intellectual nakedness. 41901 -- Robert M. Hutchins 41902% 41903The Commandments of the EE: 41904 419051: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser 41906 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most 41907 embarrassing manner. 419082: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to 41909 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this 41910 earthly vale of tears. 419113: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon 41912 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift 41913 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like 41914 a radiator too. 419154: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional 41916 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely 41917 unbelievers. 41918% 41919The Commandments of the EE: 41920 419215: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the 41922 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate 41923 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company 41924 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has 41925 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent. 419266: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices, 41927 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring 41928 the fury of the engineers on his head. 419297: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy 41930 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling 41931 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee. 419328: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone, 41933 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in 41934 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker 41935 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold. 41936% 41937The Commandments of the EE: 41938 419399: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou 41940 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be 41941 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages. 4194210: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are 41943 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code, 41944 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when 41945 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician. 4194611: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or 41947 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better 41948 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than 41949 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an 41950 innocent-seeming device. 41951% 41952The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag. 41953% 41954The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of 41955entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and 4195650's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into 41957the 80's. 41958 -- Marty Winston 41959% 41960The computer is to the information industry roughly what the 41961central power station is to the electrical industry. 41962 -- Peter Drucker 41963% 41964The computing field is always in need of new cliches. 41965 -- Alan Perlis 41966% 41967The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been 41968defined several times by examples of what it is not. 41969% 41970The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems 41971and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting 41972language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best 41973dangerous. 41974 -- Bjarne Stroustrup 41975% 41976The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better 41977than what we've got! 41978% 41979The control of the production of wealth 41980is the control of human life itself. 41981 -- Hilaire Belloc 41982% 41983The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is 41984none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." 41985Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. 41986Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get 41987you talked about. 41988 -- Lazarus Long 41989% 41990The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up! 41991% 41992The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart. 41993 -- W.C. Fields 41994% 41995The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 41996% 41997The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. 41998% 41999The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first 42000female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, 42001rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what 42002would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my 42003career. 42004 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 42005% 42006The course of true anything never does run smooth. 42007 -- Samuel Butler 42008% 42009The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the 42010judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him. 42011Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and 42012cermoniously handed it to the defendant. 42013 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a 42014father!" 42015% 42016The covers of this book are too far apart. 42017 -- Book review by Ambrose Bierce. 42018% 42019The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat. 42020 -- John McNulty 42021% 42022The Crown is full of it! 42023 -- Nate Harris, 1775 42024% 42025The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore 42026be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be 42027propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war 42028and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace, 42029assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark 42030of all our rights and privileges. 42031 -- William Ellery Channing 42032 42033% 42034The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the 42035words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*. 42036 -- Susan Dooley 42037% 42038The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull. 42039 -- Andy Purshottam 42040% 42041The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch 42042a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth! 42043% 42044The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. 42045Every class is unfit to govern. 42046 -- Lord Acton 42047% 42048The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of 42049plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely.... 42050Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not 42051be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides 42052agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at 42053nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal 42054that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine 42055years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem. 42056 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks 42057% 42058The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, 42059and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. 42060 -- H.D. Thoreau 42061% 42062The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being 42063as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of 42064the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the 42065dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with 42066this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine 42067doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors. 42068 -- Thomas Jefferson 42069% 42070The days are all empty and the nights are unreal. 42071% 42072The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction 42073to a tedious book. 42074% 42075The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us 42076who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie 42077Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. 42078% 42079The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? 42080% 42081The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous. 42082% 42083The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the 42084Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing". 42085% 42086The degree of civilization in a society 42087can be judged by entering its prisons. 42088 -- F. Dostoyevski 42089% 42090The degree of technical confidence is inversely 42091proportional to the level of management. 42092% 42093The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older 42094people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood. 42095 -- Logan Pearsall Smith 42096% 42097The departing division general manager met a last time with his young 42098successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me, 42099and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign 42100of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the 42101second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. 42102Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes 42103into a drawer. 42104 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the 42105young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me." 42106 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The 42107crisis passed. 42108 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleagured 42109manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize." 42110 He held another press conference, announcing that the division 42111would be restructured. The crisis passed. 42112 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was 42113blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank 42114into his chair, and opened the third envelope. 42115 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said. 42116% 42117The descent to Hades is the same from every place. 42118 -- Anaxagoras 42119% 42120The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. 42121 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 42122% 42123The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. 42124% 42125The devil finds work for idle glands. 42126% 42127The die is cast. 42128 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 42129% 42130The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week. 42131% 42132The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days. 42133% 42134The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is 42135exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. 42136 -- Mark Twain 42137% 42138The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into 42139the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, 42140it would be a calamity. 42141 -- Benjamin Disraeli 42142% 42143The difference between America and England is, the English think 100 42144miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time. 42145% 42146The difference between art and science is that science is what we 42147understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. 42148 -- Donald Knuth, "Discover" 42149% 42150The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is 42151thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia 42152is thinking that they're conspiring. 42153 -- J. Kegler 42154% 42155The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're 42156called. Cats take a message and get back to you. 42157% 42158The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. 42159% 42160The difference between legal separation and divorce is 42161that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money. 42162% 42163The difference between reality and unreality 42164is that reality has so little to recommend it. 42165 -- Allan Sherman 42166% 42167The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science 42168requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. 42169 -- Robert Heinlein 42170% 42171The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following: 42172Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a 42173rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when 42174swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian. 42175 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague" 42176% 42177The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When 42178you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you 42179swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is 42180sentimentality. 42181 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" 42182% 42183The difference between the right word and the almost right word 42184is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. 42185 -- Mark Twain 42186% 42187The difference between this place and yogurt 42188is that yogurt has a live culture. 42189% 42190The difference between us is not very far, 42191cruising for burgers in daddy's new car. 42192% 42193The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume. 42194 -- T.K. 42195% 42196The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer. 42197% 42198The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in 42199the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians 42200work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb. 42201 -- Russell Baker 42202% 42203The discerning person is always at a disadvantage. 42204% 42205The disks are getting full; purge a file today. 42206% 42207The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; 42208naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either. 42209 -- Ambrose Bierce 42210% 42211The distinction between true and false appears to become 42212increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language. 42213 -- Arne Tiselius 42214% 42215The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in 42216the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, 42217and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity. 42218 -- John Adams 42219% 42220The door is the key. 42221% 42222The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off 42223this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next 42224hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, 42225the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned 42226it to his master. 42227 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. 42228 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." 42229% 42230The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance 42231of the woman. 42232 -- Honore DeBalzac 42233% 42234The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine. 42235% 42236The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before. 42237% 42238The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late 42239and owns the worm farm. 42240 -- Travis McGee 42241% 42242The early worm gets the bird. 42243% 42244The early worm gets the late bird. 42245% 42246The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. 42247% 42248"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly 42249teaches me to suspect that my own is also." 42250 42251"I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it 42252or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his 42253hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be. 42254But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a 42255valuable posession to him." 42256 42257"I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good 42258end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order 42259to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall 42260have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection mught be reasonable 42261enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him 42262roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews 42263would tire of the spectacle eventually." 42264 -- Mark Twain 42265% 42266The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it 42267*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness. 42268 -- Mel Brooks 42269% 42270The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune. 42271% 42272The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed 42273to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics 42274Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'. 42275The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the 42276Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the 42277first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect 42278that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking 42279over the post of robotics correspondent. 42280 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that 42281had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in 42282the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics 42283Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the 42284wall when the revolution came'. 42285% 42286The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. 42287 -- Buckminster Fuller 42288% 42289The end of labor is to gain leisure. 42290% 42291The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday, 42292with symposium to follow. 42293% 42294The ends justify the means. 42295 -- after Matthew Prior 42296% 42297The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind 42298of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation 42299of these atoms is talking moonshine. 42300 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for 42301 the first time 42302% 42303The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable 42304in full pursuit of the uneatable. 42305 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance" 42306% 42307The English have no respect for their language, 42308and will not teach their children to speak it. 42309 -- G.B. Shaw 42310% 42311The English instinctively admire any man 42312who has no talent and is modest about it. 42313 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic 42314% 42315The entire work force of the Communist countries is sunjected to periodic 42316purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took 42317place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year 42318before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from 42319all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often 42320result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background, 42321relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a 42322Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others. 42323 42324 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee." 42325 "What kind of family do you come from?" 42326 "A rich, Jewish family." 42327 "And your wife?" 42328 "A German aristocrat." 42329 "Have you ever been to the West?" 42330 "I spent most of my life in England." 42331 "How did you make a living there?" 42332 "A friend supported me." 42333 "Where did you get the money from?" 42334 "He owned a textile factory." 42335 "Who was Lenin?" 42336 "Never heard of him." 42337 "What is your name?" 42338 "Karl Marx." 42339% 42340[The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, 42341practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. 42342 -- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican 42343 presidential aspirant. 42344% 42345The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute 42346for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is 42347a substitute for intelligence. 42348 -- Lyman Bryson 42349% 42350The eternal feminine draws us upward. 42351 -- Goethe 42352% 42353The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender. 42354 -- Anne Boleyn 42355% 42356The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions 42357is the most likely to be correct. 42358 -- William of Occam 42359% 42360The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, 42361the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its 42362own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god 42363of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god 42364of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together 42365what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas 42366everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and 42367so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes 42368in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died. 42369 -- Chuang Tzu 42370% 42371The eyes of taxes are upon you. 42372% 42373The eyes of Texas are upon you, 42374All the livelong day; 42375The eyes of Texas are upon you, 42376You cannot get away; 42377Do not think you can escape them 42378From night 'til early in the morn; 42379The eyes of Texas are upon you 42380'Til Gabriel blows his horn. 42381 -- University of Texas' school song 42382% 42383The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not 42384utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, 42385a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible. 42386 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929 42387% 42388The fact that hitler was a politcal genius unmasks the nature of politics 42389in general as no other can. 42390 -- Wilhelm Reich 42391% 42392The fact that it works is immaterial. 42393 -- L. Ogborn 42394% 42395The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily 42396endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or 42397compassion. 42398 -- Saul Alinsky 42399% 42400The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. 42401% 42402The farther you go, the less you know. 42403 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching" 42404% 42405The fashion wears out more apparel than the man. 42406 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" 42407% 42408The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept 42409outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to 42410say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth, 42411so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists 42412so long as they are Tories. 42413 -- Christopher Booker 42414% 42415The faster I go, the behinder I get. 42416 -- Lewis Carroll 42417% 42418The Fastest Defeat In Chess 42419 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess 42420master. 42421 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a 42422Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so 42423chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort 42424of their own homes. 42425 Lazard was black and Gibaud white: 42426 1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3 42427 2: Kt-Q2, P-K4 42428 3: PxP, Kt-Kt5 42429 4: P-K6, Kt-K6/ 42430 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve 42431either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen. 42432 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 42433% 42434The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a 42435business trip, thought he would pay his boy a suprise visit. Arriving at the 42436lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes 42437of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window, 42438 "Whaddaya want?" 42439 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father. 42440 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch." 42441% 42442The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer 42443and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown 42444suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged, 42445I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not 42446dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the 42447quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors, 42448and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural 42449for them to despise science fiction. 42450 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction" 42451% 42452The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he 42453wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke. 42454 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to 42455you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made 42456the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play 42457center at Notre Dame." 42458 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five 42459times." 42460% 42461"The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his 42462supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, 42463anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their 42464husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism 42465and become lesbians." 42466% 42467The Fifth Rule: 42468 You have taken yourself too seriously. 42469% 42470The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions. 42471 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante" 42472% 42473The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. 42474% 42475The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, 42476the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time. 42477% 42478The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is 42479the Bible. 42480 -- John Quincy Adams 42481 42482All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book; 42483but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable 42484to man are contained in it. 42485 -- Abraham Lincoln 42486 42487... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of 42488life, the nature of God and spirtual nature and need of men. It is the only 42489guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation. 42490 -- Woodrow Wilson 42491% 42492The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. 42493 -- Abbie Hoffman 42494% 42495The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King 42496Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic 42497death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks. 42498Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city, 42499complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his 42500breakfast tray. At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's 42501death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play. Then the rest of the King's 42502relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion. Some 42503were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A 42504few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants 42505unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have 42506thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of 42507grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left in Minas 42508Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and 42509the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave Parrafin bravely 42510accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant 42511of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's 42512enemies, and revamp the postal system. 42513 -- Bored of the Rings, "Harvard Lampoon" 42514% 42515The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand? 42516 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist 42517% 42518The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head. 42519Understand? 42520 -- Joey Glimco 42521% 42522The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half 42523by our children. 42524 -- Clarence Darrow 42525% 42526The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, 42527and the second half by our children. 42528 -- Clarence Darrow 42529% 42530The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence, 42531and the second the triumph of hope over experience. 42532% 42533The first myth of management is that it exists. 42534% 42535The first requisite for immortality is death. 42536 -- Stanislaw Lem 42537% 42538The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, 42539was propounded to me by my father: 42540 42541 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?" 42542I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up. 42543 "A herring," said my father. 42544 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" 42545 "So hang it there." 42546 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. 42547 "Paint it." 42548 "But a herring isn't wet." 42549 "If it's just painted it's still wet." 42550 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, 42551 "a herring doesn't whistle!!" 42552 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard." 42553 -- Leo Rosten 42554% 42555The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack." 42556 -- H.L. Mencken 42557% 42558The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 42559 -- Ehrlich 42560% 42561The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 42562 -- Paul Erlich 42563% 42564The First Rule of Program Optimization: 42565 Don't do it. 42566 42567The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): 42568 Don't do it yet. 42569 -- Michael Jackson 42570% 42571The first thing I do in the morning 42572is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. 42573 -- Dorothy Parker 42574% 42575The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. 42576 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV 42577% 42578The first version always gets thrown away. 42579% 42580The five rules of Socialism: 42581 42582 1. Don't think. 42583 2. If you do think, don't speak. 42584 3. If you think and speak, don't write. 42585 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign. 42586 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised. 42587 42588 -- being told in Poland, 1987 42589% 42590...the flaw that makes perfection perfect. 42591% 42592The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. 42593 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 42594% 42595The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. 42596 -- Alan Coult 42597% 42598The following statement is not true. 42599The previous statement is true. 42600% 42601The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws: 42602 42603 1. You can't push on a string. 42604 2. Ain't no free lunches. 42605 3. Them as has, gets. 42606 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all. 42607% 42608The Force is what holds everything together. 42609It has its dark side, and it has its light side. 42610It's sort of like cosmic duct tape. 42611% 42612The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money 42613completely surrounded by people who want some. 42614 -- Dwight MacDonald 42615% 42616The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe 42617because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons 42618rests on mutual help. 42619 -- Laukikanyay. 42620% 42621The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions 42622and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. 42623% 42624The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused 42625received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities. 42626% 42627The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair 42628trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities. 42629% 42630The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip 42631objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air 42632due to levitation. 42633 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur 42634if the character does not have fire resistance. 42635 -- README file from the NetHack game 42636% 42637[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people. 42638 -- Somerset Maugham 42639% 42640The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the 42641number of your kids by thirty-two teeth. 42642% 42643The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend 42644of both parties tactfully interferes. 42645 -- G.K. Chesterton 42646% 42647The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people, 42648but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons. 42649 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist 42650% 42651The future is a myth created by insurance 42652salesmen and high school counselors. 42653% 42654The future is a race between education and catastrophe. 42655 -- H.G. Wells 42656% 42657The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.) 42658% 42659The future lies ahead. 42660% 42661The future not being born, my friend, 42662we will abstain from baptizing it. 42663 -- George Meredith 42664% 42665The garden is in mourning; 42666The rain falls cool among the flowers. 42667Summer shivers quietly 42668On its way towards its end. 42669 42670Golden leaf after leaf 42671Falls from the tall acacia. 42672Summer smiles, astonished, feeble, 42673In this dying dream of a garden. 42674 42675For a long while, yet, in the roses, 42676She will linger on, yearning for peace, 42677And slowly 42678Close her weary eyes. 42679 -- Hermann Hesse, "September" 42680% 42681The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. 42682% 42683The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the 42684people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people 42685drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return. 42686 -- Gore Vidal 42687% 42688The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. 42689% 42690The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. 42691% 42692The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even 42693remember her first husband. 42694% 42695The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress. 42696% 42697The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear. 42698 -- Sophia Loren 42699% 42700The glances over cocktails 42701That seemed to be so sweet 42702Don't seem quite so amorous 42703Over Shredded Wheat 42704% 42705The goal of Computer Science is to build something 42706that will at least last until we've finished building it. 42707% 42708The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. 42709The goal of nature is to build better mice. 42710% 42711The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. 42712They gave him love and he invented marriage. 42713% 42714The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it 42715is your move. 42716 -- Frank Crane 42717% 42718The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: 42719 He who has the gold makes the rules. 42720% 42721The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got 42722to be good. 42723 -- John Barrymore 42724% 42725The good (I am convinced, for one) 42726Is but the bad one leaves undone. 42727Once your reputation's done 42728You can live a life of fun. 42729 -- Wilhelm Busch 42730% 42731The good life was so elusive 42732It really got me down 42733I had to regain some confidence 42734So I got into camaflouge 42735% 42736The good time is approaching, 42737The season is at hand. 42738When the merry click of the two-base lick 42739Will be heard throughout the land. 42740The frost still lingers on the earth, and 42741Budless are the trees. 42742But the merry ring of the voice of spring 42743Is borne upon the breeze. 42744 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886 42745% 42746The Gordian Maxim: 42747If a string has one end, it has another. 42748% 42749The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out 42750to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work 42751and they can't fire it. 42752% 42753The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II. 42754Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people 42755and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping. 42756% 42757The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the 42758Christian Religion 42759 -- George Washington 42760% 42761The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma, 42762with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the 42763fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent 42764for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied, 42765"Send Lord Combermere." 42766 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord 42767Combermere a fool." 42768 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon." 42769 -- G.W.E. Russell 42770% 42771The goys have proven the following theorem... 42772 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom 42773 lecture. 42774% 42775The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses. 42776% 42777The grave's a fine and private place, 42778but none, I think, do there embrace. 42779 -- Andrew Marvell 42780% 42781The graveyards are full of indispensable men. 42782 -- Charles de Gaulle 42783% 42784The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: 42785 The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, 42786 his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. 42787 Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of 42788 time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp 42789 Hedgehog Eater. 42790 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 42791% 42792The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude. 42793 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life" 42794% 42795The Great Movie Posters: 42796 42797*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee* 42798With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story. 42799 -- Tea with a Kick (1924) 42800 42801Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks! 42802GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE! 42803 -- The Wild Party (1929) 42804 42805YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE! 42806DIX -- the dashing soldier! 42807 DIX -- the bold adventurer! 42808 DIX -- the throbbing lover! 42809 -- The Wheel of Life (1929) 42810 42811SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE 42812SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"! 42813 -- The Night is Young (1934) 42814% 42815The Great Movie Posters: 42816 42817A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an 42818unimaginable hell. 42819 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967) 42820 42821NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL! 42822 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968) 42823 42824LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENTUOUS ORGY OF 42825SLAUGHTER! 42826 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969) 42827 42828The family that slays together stays together. 42829 -- Bloody Mama (1970) 42830% 42831The Great Movie Posters: 42832 42833An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS! 42834 -- Squirm (1976) 42835 42836Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours. 42837This Is One of Everlasting Torment! 42838 -- The New House on the Left (1977) 42839 42840WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU! 42841 -- Zombie (1980) 42842 42843It's not human and it's got an axe. 42844 -- The Prey (1981) 42845% 42846The Great Movie Posters: 42847 42848Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding! 42849SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM! 42850... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV! 42851 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972) 42852 42853An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality! 42854 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973) 42855 42856WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY... 42857RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! 42858Alone, only a harmless pet... 42859 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine! 42860 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972) 42861 42862They're Over-Exposed 42863But Not Under-Developed! 42864 -- Cover Girl Models (1976) 42865% 42866The Great Movie Posters: 42867 42868HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE! 42869 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959) 42870 42871Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST? 42872Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep. 42873 -- Untamed Mistress (1960) 42874 42875NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE 42876FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI! 42877 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963) 42878% 42879The Great Movie Posters: 42880 42881HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS! 42882 -- The Cycle Savages (1969) 42883 42884The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It! 42885 42886 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971) 42887 42888TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS! 42889 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill) 42890 42891They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger! 42892 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971) 42893% 42894The Great Movie Posters: 42895 42896KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl 42897of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear 42898you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady! 42899 -- Spitfire (1934) 42900 42901Do Native Women Live With Apes? 42902 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937) 42903 42904JUNGLE KISS!! 42905 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she 42906was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes -- 42907she was no longer the frozen-harted high priestess under whose hypnotic 42908spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she 42909was a girl in love! 42910 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES! 42911 -- Her Jungle Love (1938) 42912 42913LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE! 42914 -- Intermezzo (1939) 42915% 42916The Great Movie Posters: 42917 42918POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED! 42919 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963) 42920 42921She Sins in Mobile -- 42922Marries in Houston -- 42923Loses Her Baby in Dallas -- 42924Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon -- 42925MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!... 42926FIRST -- HARLOW! 42927THEN -- MONROE! 42928NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!! 42929 -- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan 42930 42931*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN! 42932A Horrifying Movie of Wierd Beauties and Shocking Monsters... 429331001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY! 42934 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title: 42935 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and 42936 Became Mixed Up Zombies) 42937% 42938The Great Movie Posters: 42939 42940SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT! 42941-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO 42942-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU 42943-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI! 42944-- FIRES OF PUBERTY! 42945 SEE the burning of a virgin! 42946 SEE power of witch doctor over women! 42947 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!! 42948 -- Kwaheri (1965) 42949 42950The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex! 42951 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965) 42952 42953AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP- 42954A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN! 42955 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to 42956give you the wim-wams! 42957 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965) 42958% 42959The Great Movie Posters: 42960 42961SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks! 42962SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures! 42963SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner! 42964 -- Sweet and Savage (1983) 42965 42966What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair! 42967 -- Stroker Ace (1983) 42968 42969It's always better when you come again! 42970 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983) 42971 42972You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre! 42973 -- Pieces (1983) 42974% 42975The Great Movie Posters: 42976 42977SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog 42978on a roaring rampage of revenge! 42979 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972) 42980 42981WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB 42982SAUSAGES? 42983 -- Meat is Meat (1972) 42984 42985TODAY the Pond! 42986TOMORROW the World! 42987 -- Frogs (1972) 42988% 42989The Great Movie Posters: 42990 42991She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West! 42992 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949) 42993 42994CAST OF 3,000! 429954 WRITERS, 429962 DIRECTORS, 429973 CAMERAMEN, 429983 PRODUCERS! 429991 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM -- 4300024 YEARS TO REHEARSE -- 4300120 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE! 43002 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS! 43003 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL! 43004THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM! 43005Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to: 43006 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE! 43007 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the 43008 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus. 43009% 43010The Great Movie Posters: 43011 43012The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms! 43013 -- Bwana Devil (1952) 43014 43015OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING! 43016Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of 43017the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the 43018Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World! 43019 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!! 43020 -- Robot Monster (1953) 43021 430221,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes, 43023802 scared bulls! 43024 -- The Egyptian (1954) 43025% 43026The Great Movie Posters: 43027 43028The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing 43029horror on a screaming world! 43030 -- The Crawling Eye (1958) 43031 43032SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, scyscraper limbs, 43033giant desires! 43034 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958) 43035 43036Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex. 43037What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich? 43038Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does... 43039 -- The Desperate Women (1958) 43040% 43041The Great Movie Posters: 43042 43043They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure! 43044SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer! 43045 -- The Golden Mistress (1954) 43046 43047See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out! 43048 -- The French Line (1954) 43049 43050See Jane Russell Shake Her Tamborines... and Drive Cornel WILDE! 43051 -- Hot Blood (1956) 43052% 43053The Great Movie Posters: 43054 43055When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make 43056Friends... 43057 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966) 43058 43059Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels! 43060 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966) 43061 43062A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS 43063OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST. 43064 -- A Taste of Blood (1967) 43065% 43066The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations 43067like prostitutes. 43068 -- Stanley Kubrick 43069% 43070The great question that has never been answered and which I have not 43071yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the 43072feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT? 43073 -- Sigmund Freud 43074% 43075The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight. 43076At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have 43077answered themselves. 43078 -- Arthur Binstead 43079% 43080The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers 43081is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood. 43082% 43083The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. 43084 -- Sophocles 43085% 43086The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them 43087before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see 43088the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp 43089their wives and daughters to his arms. 43090 -- Genghis Khan 43091% 43092The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's. 43093 -- Polish proverb 43094% 43095The Greatest Mathematical Error 43096 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28 43097July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would 43098give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells 43099would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course 43100corrections and after 100 days the craft would cirlce the unknown planet, 43101scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed. 43102 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I 43103plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff. 43104 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from 43105the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch 43106spokesman said. 43107 This minus sign cost L4,280,000. 43108 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43109% 43110The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none. 43111% 43112The greatest productive force is human selfishness. 43113 -- Robert Heinlein 43114% 43115The greatest remedy for anger is delay. 43116% 43117The groundhog is like most other prophets; 43118it delivers its message and then disappears. 43119% 43120The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce. 43121 -- Galbraith 43122% 43123The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce. 43124 -- J.K. Galbraith 43125% 43126The hardest part of climbing the ladder of 43127success is getting through the crowd at the bottom. 43128% 43129The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. 43130 -- Albert Einstein 43131% 43132The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when 43133you put a lot of relatives on the train for home. 43134% 43135The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty 43136deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the 43137author's name on the title page. 43138 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831 43139% 43140The hatred of relatives is the most violent. 43141 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117) 43142% 43143The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality 43144of functions performed by private citizens. 43145 -- Alexis de Tocqueville 43146% 43147The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom 43148whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. 43149% 43150The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. 43151 -- Blaise Pascal 43152% 43153The heart is wiser than the intellect. 43154% 43155...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day. 43156% 43157The heaviest object in the world is the 43158body of the woman you have ceased to love. 43159 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues 43160% 43161The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: 43162 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. 43163% 43164"The hell with the prime directive! Let's kill something!" 43165% 43166The help people need most urgently is 43167help in admitting that they need help. 43168% 43169The herd instinct among economists 43170makes sheep look like independent thinkers. 43171% 43172The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet, 43173challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that 43174keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents 43175itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb 43176of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems, 43177is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of 43178adventurous youth. 43179 -- Benjamin Cardozo 43180% 43181The higher you climb, the more you show your ass. 43182 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad" 43183% 43184The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through 43185three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and 43186Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For 43187instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we 43188eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we 43189have lunch?". 43190 -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 43191% 43192The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases 43193are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus: 43194 43195Retribution: 43196 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother. 43197Anticipation: 43198 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother. 43199Diplomacy: 43200 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the 43201 pretext that your brother did it. 43202% 43203The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars." 43204 -- Johnny Carson 43205% 43206The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease 43207to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns. 43208 -- Helen Rowland 43209% 43210The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and 43211she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator. 43212 -- Bill Lawrence 43213% 43214The horror... the horror! 43215% 43216The human animal differs from the lesser 43217primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best". 43218 -- H. Allen Smith 43219% 43220The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment 43221you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. 43222 -- Sir George Jessel 43223% 43224The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of 43225its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. 43226% 43227The human mind treats a new idea the way the 43228body treats a strange protein: it rejects it. 43229 -- P. Medawar 43230% 43231The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember. 43232Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave 43233its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to 43234us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the 43235facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a 43236certain degree of awe. 43237 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 43238% 43239The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. 43240 -- Mark Twain 43241% 43242The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them. 43243 -- David Gerrold 43244% 43245The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons 43246that what she doesn't know won't hurt him. 43247 -- Leo J. Burke 43248% 43249The IBM 2250 is impressive ... 43250if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price. 43251 -- D. Cohen 43252% 43253The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair". 43254 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group" 43255% 43256The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given 43257tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than 43258it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws). 43259 -- Doug Gwyn 43260% 43261The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, 43262no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife. 43263 -- Harry V. Wade 43264% 43265The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they 43266are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally 43267understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else. 43268 -- John Maynard Keyes 43269% 43270The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest. 43271% 43272The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. 43273 -- Quintus Ennius 43274% 43275The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. 43276 -- Henry Kissinger 43277% 43278The Illiterati Programus Canto 1: 43279 A program is a lot like a nose: 43280 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows. 43281% 43282The important thing is not to stop questioning. 43283% 43284The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop. 43285% 43286The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than 43287golf has. 43288 -- The Best of Will Rogers 43289% 43290The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important 43291point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly 43292important thing to people. 43293 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King 43294% 43295The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is 43296a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell. 43297 -- Bertrand Russell 43298% 43299The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; 43300the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. 43301 -- Churchill 43302% 43303The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And 43304there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a 43305pointer and a mark. 43306 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars" 43307% 43308The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling 43309the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without 43310affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new 43311style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quitely insinuates itself into 43312manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and 43313constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by 43314overturning everything. 43315 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C. 43316% 43317The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of 43318the group divided by the number of people in the group. 43319% 43320The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They 43321treat the Arabs like postmen. 43322 -- Franklyn Ajaye 43323% 43324The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain, 43325knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the 43326Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight. 43327 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The 43328good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's 43329still in." 43330% 43331"The jig's up, Elman." 43332"Which jig?" 43333 -- Jeff Elman 43334% 43335The Junior God now heads the roll 43336In the list of heaven's peers; 43337He sits in the House of High Control, 43338And he regulates the spheres. 43339Yet does he wonder, do you suppose, 43340If, even in gods divine, 43341The best and wisest may not be those 43342Who have wallowed awhile with the swine? 43343 -- R.W. Service 43344% 43345The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable 43346debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been 43347revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor 43348quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the 43349resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the 43350workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity? 43351Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but 43352to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not 43353hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the 43354nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate 43355goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the 43356drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization. 43357 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The 43358 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace," 43359 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol. 43360 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768. 43361% 43362The Kennedy Constant: 43363 Don't get mad -- get even. 43364% 43365The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets. 43366 -- L. Zadeh 43367% 43368The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal 43369an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's 43370advantage to see the truth. 43371 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer 43372% 43373The Killer Ducks are coming!!! 43374% 43375The kind of danger people most enjoy is 43376the kind they can watch from a safe place. 43377% 43378The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field: 43379 43380King: "How goes the battle plan?" 43381Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?" 43382K: "Yes." 43383A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running 43384 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till 43385 the dust clears." 43386K: "And?" 43387A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win." 43388K: "But what about the 43389^#!!$% battle plan?" 43390A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks." 43391% 43392The knowledge that makes us cherish 43393innocence makes innocence unattainable. 43394 -- Irving Howe 43395% 43396The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is 43397the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free 43398world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher 43399dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person 43400per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill 43401really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and 43402drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle. 43403I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined. 43404And now, just look at me." 43405% 43406The ladies men admire, I've heard, 43407Would shudder at a wicked word. 43408Their candle gives a single light; 43409They'd rather stay at home at night. 43410They do not keep awake till three, 43411Nor read erotic poetry. 43412They never sanction the impure, 43413Nor recognize an overture. 43414They shrink from powders and from paints... 43415So far, I've had no complaints. 43416 -- Dorothy Parker 43417% 43418The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry. 43419Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor. 43420 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988 43421% 43422The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for 43423everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired. 43424% 43425The last person that quit or was fired will be the held responsible 43426for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is 43427fired. 43428% 43429The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it. 43430% 43431The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. 43432 -- Blaise Pascal 43433% 43434The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own 43435hand. 43436 -- Fred Allen 43437% 43438The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word 43439processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs." 43440 -- Roy Blount, Jr. 43441% 43442The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away. 43443 -- Governor Tarkin 43444% 43445The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, 43446to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. 43447 -- Anatole France 43448% 43449The Law of Probable Dispersal: 43450 That which hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 43451% 43452The Law of the Letter: 43453 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope. 43454% 43455The Law of the Perversity of Nature: 43456 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. 43457% 43458The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men 43459should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal 43460weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine 43461we own. 43462 -- H.G. Wells 43463% 43464The Least Perceptive Literary Critic 43465 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A 43466most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to 43467give a public reading of his latest poem. 43468 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord 43469Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. 43470Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me." 43471 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable 43472and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark 43473the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better 43474turn." 43475 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr. 43476Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the 43477lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on 43478Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation 43479on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him 43480much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event." 43481 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem 43482exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of 43483their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can 43484be better." 43485 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43486% 43487The Least Successful Animal Rescue 43488 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal 43489rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over 43490emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly 43491lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a 43492tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. 43493So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off 43494later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it. 43495 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43496% 43497The Least Successful Collector 43498 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She 43499was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had 43500amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the 43501works of Shakespeare. 43502 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond 43503legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The 43504remaining three folios are now in the British Museum. 43505 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned 43506the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the 43507French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper. 43508 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43509% 43510The Least Successful Defrosting Device 43511 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster 43512whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it. 43513 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips 43514got stuck fast." 43515 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he 43516was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away. 43517 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of... 43518muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer. 43519 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until 43520constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot 43521Lips". 43522 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43523% 43524The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement 43525 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish 43526Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality 43527legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay 43528enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for 43529men and women. 43530 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43531% 43532The Least Successful Executions 43533 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. 43534The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were 43535made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope 43536snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he 43537and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital 43538punishment, he was reprieved. 43539 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who 43540tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each 43541occasion failed to get the trap door open. 43542 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted 43543Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated 43544to America and lived until 1933. 43545 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43546% 43547The Least Successful Police Dogs 43548 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking 43549schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida 43550in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or 43551offend the criminal classes. 43552 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up 43553and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him." 43554 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a 43555stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug 43556raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in 435571967. 43558 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they 43559patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the 43560fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at 43561him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh. 43562 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43563% 43564The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. 43565 -- Kin Hubbard 43566% 43567The less time planning, the more time programming. 43568% 43569THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE 43570 43571 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming 43572Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College 43573for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write 43574code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, 43575END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a 43576syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving 43577the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, 43578frustrating process of testing and debugging. 43579% 43580THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP 43581 43582 This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San 43583Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; 43584users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing 43585lithtth. 43586% 43587THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL 43588 43589 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. 43590Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, 43591SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty- 43592three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals 43593while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers 43594often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. 43595% 43596THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL 43597 43598 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the 43599industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW. 43600Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other 43601operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are 43602accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example: 43603 43604 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START 43605 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND 43606 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND 43607 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 43608 THEN 43609 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 43610 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) 43611 SURE 43612 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE 43613 GOTO THE MALL 43614 43615 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For 43616example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the 43617message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY 43618AWESOME! 43619% 43620THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO 43621 43622 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO 43623DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include 43624SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy 43625graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as 43626it travels across the screen. 43627% 43628THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE 43629 43630 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely 43631unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. 43632Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE 43633programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. 43634% 43635THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C- 43636 43637 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when 43638he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is 43639best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language 43640generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute 43641a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. 43642% 43643THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH 43644 43645 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types 43646refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to 43647FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands 43648refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, 43649VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND. 43650 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and 43651financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and 43652LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD, 43653RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers 43654who end up using this language. 43655% 43656THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK 43657 43658 LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for 43659T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more 43660intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley. 43661 The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs 43662while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long, 43663since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier. 43664 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a 43665gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to 43666syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT. 43667% 43668The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. 43669 -- Lenny Bruce 43670% 43671The life which is unexamined is not worth living. 43672 -- Plato 43673% 43674The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. 43675% 43676The lion and the calf shall lie down 43677together but the calf won't get much sleep. 43678 -- Woody Allen 43679% 43680The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll. 43681She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love. 43682 -- DeGourmont 43683% 43684The little pieces of my life I give to you, 43685with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold. 43686% 43687The little town that time forgot, 43688Where all the women are strong, 43689The men are good-looking, 43690And the children above-average. 43691 -- Prairie Home Companion 43692% 43693The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his 43694door with a basket of kittens. 43695 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?" 43696 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied. 43697Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little 43698girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens. 43699 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said. 43700 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered. 43701 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled. 43702 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed." 43703% 43704The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, 43705for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be 43706simply making a limiting statement about himself. 43707 -- Sidney Harris 43708% 43709The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. 43710 -- Henry Kissinger 43711% 43712The longer the title, the less important the job. 43713% 43714The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. 43715 -- Marcus Terentius Varro 43716% 43717The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we 43718could grab as much as we could with both of them. 43719 -- Major Major's father 43720% 43721The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. 43722Indian Giver be the name of the Lord. 43723% 43724The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes 43725so many of them. 43726 -- Abraham Lincoln 43727% 43728The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons. 43729 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 43730% 43731The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of 43732the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at 43733her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic 43734Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my 43735steel through your last meal!' 43736 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 43737% 43738The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. 43739% 43740The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, 43741Are of imagination all compact... 43742 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream" 43743% 43744The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best. 43745% 43746The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end. 43747 -- Benjamin Disraeli 43748% 43749The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs. 43750 -- Kevin Cowherd 43751% 43752The major advances in civilization are processes 43753that all but wreck the societies in which they occur. 43754 -- A.N. Whitehead 43755% 43756The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the 43757bonds will eventually mature. 43758% 43759The major sin is the sin of being born. 43760 -- Samuel Beckett 43761% 43762The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play 43763the violin. 43764 -- Honore DeBalzac 43765% 43766The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. 43767The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of 43768consistency. 43769 -- Albert Einstein 43770% 43771The makers may make, 43772And the users may use, 43773But the fixers must fix 43774With but minimal clues. 43775% 43776The man she had was kind and clean 43777And well enough for every day, 43778But oh, dear friends, you should have seen 43779The one that got away. 43780 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman" 43781% 43782The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner 43783 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is 43784Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost 43785invented it. 43786 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an 43787American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets. 43788 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top. 43789After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze 43790-- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room. 43791 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the 43792point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves 43793the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is 43794not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved 43795that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and 43796sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards. 43797 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43798% 43799The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. 43800The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever 43801been. 43802 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 43803% 43804The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. 43805 -- Menander 43806% 43807The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news. 43808 -- Bertolt Brecht 43809% 43810The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. 43811 -- H.G. Wells, "Time After Time" 43812% 43813The man who runs may fight again. 43814 -- Menander 43815% 43816The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount 43817Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed. 43818 -- Old Japanese proverb 43819% 43820The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that 43821will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. 43822 -- Mark Twain 43823% 43824The man who understands one woman is 43825qualified to understand pretty well everything. 43826 -- Yeats 43827% 43828The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has 43829to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?" 43830 -- Will Rogers 43831 43832The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit. 43833 -- Vice President John Nance Garner 43834% 43835The Marines: 43836 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach. 43837% 43838The Marines: 43839 The few, the proud, the not very bright. 43840% 43841The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning 43842wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city. 43843 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire" 43844% 43845The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, 43846while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. 43847 -- Wilhelm Stekel 43848% 43849The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice 43850and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the 43851master calls a butterfly. 43852 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 43853% 43854The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of 43855husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism 43856are one, and that one is marxism. 43857 -- Heidi Hartmann, 43858 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism" 43859% 43860The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort! 43861% 43862The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a 43863soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car 43864which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years. 43865% 43866The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest. 43867 -- Bulwer 43868% 43869The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time. 43870% 43871The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, 43872always end up on their ends without any means. 43873 -- Saul Alinsky 43874% 43875The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out. 43876Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." 43877% 43878The meek don't want it. 43879% 43880The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3. 43881% 43882The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. 43883% 43884The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that 43885time there won't be anything left worth inheriting. 43886% 43887The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights. 43888 -- J.P. Getty 43889% 43890The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe. 43891% 43892The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars. 43893% 43894The meek shall inherit the Earth. 43895(But they're gonna have to fight for it.) 43896% 43897The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you. 43898% 43899The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two 43900chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. 43901 -- Carl Jung 43902% 43903[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be 43904undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful 43905for impotency. 43906 -- W. Churchill 43907% 43908The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, 43909 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." 43910 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" 43911 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" 43912% 43913The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. 43914% 43915The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another 43916mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same 43917being who produces the impressions. 43918 -- Marquis D.A.F. de Sade 43919% 43920The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be 43921general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that 43922any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby 43923not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library 43924Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer 43925Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its 43926predictive power. 43927 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems 43928 Thinking" 43929% 43930The Modelski Chain Rule: 439311: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your 43932 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your 43933 Hewlett-Packard. 439342: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly 43935 bright-looking individual. 439363: Procure a large chain. 439374: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely 43938 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem. 43939 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound 43940 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business. 43941% 43942"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of 43943themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become 43944of the bicuspids?" 43945 -- The Old Man and his Bridge 43946% 43947The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. 43948 -- Nicol Williamson 43949% 43950The moon is made of green cheese. 43951 -- John Heywood 43952% 43953The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. 43954% 43955The Moral Majority is neither. 43956% 43957The more complex the mind, the greater 43958the need for the simplicity of play. 43959 -- Captain Kirk, "Shore Leave" 43960% 43961The more control, the more that requires control. 43962% 43963The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater 43964the odds that the competition already has the order. 43965% 43966The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 43967% 43968The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the 43969lower the mailing cost. 43970 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 43971% 43972The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons. 43973 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 43974% 43975The more I know men the more I like my horse. 43976% 43977The more I see of men the more I admire dogs. 43978 -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696 43979% 43980The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. 43981 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 43982% 43983The more laws and order are made prominent, 43984the more thieves and robbers there will be. 43985 -- Lao Tsu 43986% 43987The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For 43988instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, 43989contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...) 43990% 43991The more the merrier. 43992 -- John Heywood 43993% 43994The more they over-think the plumbing 43995the easier it is to stop up the drain. 43996% 43997The more things change, the more they remain the same. 43998 -- Alphonse Karr 43999% 44000The more things change, the more they stay insane. 44001% 44002The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again. 44003% 44004The more we disagree, the more chance 44005there is that at least one of us is right. 44006% 44007The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. 44008% 44009The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war. 44010% 44011The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke. 44012First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize, 44013three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each. 44014% 44015The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble. 44016% 44017The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk. 44018% 44019The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to 44020exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but 44021rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and 44022flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst 44023have the good fortune to find one. 44024 -- Carlyle 44025% 44026The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common 44027family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number 44028of people in the world named Mohammad Chang? 44029 -- Derek Wills 44030% 44031The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately 44032in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. 44033 -- H.L. Mencken 44034% 44035The most dangerous food is wedding cake. 44036 -- American proverb 44037% 44038The most dangerous organization in America today is: 44039 44040 a) The KKK 44041 b) The American Nazi Party 44042 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club 44043% 44044The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in 44045the country is the one on which you resell it. 44046 -- J. Brecheux 44047% 44048The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS 44049is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian. 44050% 44051The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a 44052thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting. 44053 -- T.H. White 44054% 44055The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding. 44056% 44057The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does 44058not approach what your best friends say behind your back. 44059 -- Alfred De Musset 44060% 44061The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 44062discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." 44063 -- Isaac Asimov 44064% 44065The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a 44066ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last 44067it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal 44068woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children, 44069the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the 44070bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold 44071in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman, 44072starts a long, long time before the event. 44073 -- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham", 44074 from "Congress Eate It Up" 44075% 44076...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man: 44077freshman English at a Midwestern university. 44078 -- Tom Wolfe 44079% 44080The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union 44081of a deaf man to a blind woman. 44082 -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge 44083% 44084The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise. 44085% 44086The most important early product on the way 44087to developing a good product is an imperfect version. 44088% 44089The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating 44090people to approach printed matter with distrust. 44091% 44092The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman 44093is that one of them be good at taking orders. 44094 -- Linda Festa 44095% 44096The most important things, each person must do for himself. 44097% 44098The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. 44099 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I" 44100% 44101The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national 44102conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the 44103participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national 44104organization. 44105 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national 44106organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The 44107orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you 44108know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had 44109every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished. 44110 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New* 44111New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it. 44112 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The 44113Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the 44114weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning, 44115a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body 44116with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the 44117Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly 44118white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or 44119so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution 44120or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real 44121possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying 44122lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their 44123demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their 44124astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed 44125an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the 44126radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of 44127existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion 44128and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and 44129broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'" 44130 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988 44131% 44132The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she 44133served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never 44134been found. 44135 -- Calvin Trillin 44136% 44137The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the 44138biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to 44139them were fishermen. 44140 -- Arthur Binstead 44141% 44142The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible 44143 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert 44144Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained 44145several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from 44146the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority, 44147to commit adultery. 44148 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote 44149country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined 44150the printers L3,000. 44151 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 44152% 44153The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little 44154children for their insurance money. 44155 -- Sherlock Holmes 44156% 44157The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. 44158% 44159The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, 44160 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit 44161Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, 44162 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it. 44163% 44164The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the 44165perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love 44166seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it. 44167% 44168The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. 44169 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 44170% 44171The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe. 44172 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy 44173% 44174The nearer to the church, the further from God. 44175 -- John Heywood 44176% 44177The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded 44178in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but 44179occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that! 44180 -- James 'Kibo' Parry 44181% 44182The net of law is spread so wide, 44183No sinner from its sweep may hide. 44184Its meshes are so fine and strong, 44185They take in every child of wrong. 44186O wondrous web of mystery! 44187Big fish alone escape from thee! 44188 -- James Jeffrey Roche 44189% 44190The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. 44191I hope I don't get run over again. 44192% 44193The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 44194doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. 44195% 44196THE NEW RIGHT: 44197 A javelin team that elects to receive. 44198% 44199The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, 44200in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. 44201 44202 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: 44203 for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. 44204 44205 -- Matthew 5:37 44206% 44207The next person to mention spaghetti stacks 44208to me is going to have his head knocked off. 44209 -- Bill Conrad 44210% 44211The next thing I say to you will be true. 44212The last thing I said was false. 44213% 44214The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. 44215 -- Lucille S. Harper 44216% 44217The nice thing about standards 44218is that there are so many of them to choose from. 44219 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 44220% 44221The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night. 44222% 44223The night passes quickly when you're asleep 44224But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat 44225... 44226Breakfast at the Egg House, 44227Like the waffle on the griddle, 44228I'm burnt around the edges, 44229But I'm tender in the middle. 44230 -- Adrian Belew 44231% 44232The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered 44233rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen 44234bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 44235'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh. 44236 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 44237% 44238The notion of a "record" is an obsolete 44239remnant of the days of the 80-column card. 44240 -- D.M. Ritchie 44241% 44242The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely 44243proportional to the number of bugs in their code. 44244% 44245The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success 44246of the barbecue. 44247% 44248The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine 44249increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice. 44250% 44251The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. 44252 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972 44253% 44254The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post 44255is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer 44256is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country. 44257 -- Robert Woodhead 44258% 44259The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze 44260all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have 44261answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems 44262when called upon. 44263 However... 44264When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind 44265yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. 44266% 44267The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million. 44268% 44269The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator". 44270% 44271The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: 44272 44273 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the 44274 Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director 44275 of Corporate Planning." 44276% 44277The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane: 44278 44279 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless 44280 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you 44281 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the 44282 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome. 44283% 44284The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps: 44285 44286 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy 44287 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate 44288 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La 44289 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the 44290 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun 44291 god at 8:15 the next morning. 44292% 44293The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds 44294is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been 44295more like fourteen. 44296 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire" 44297% 44298The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the 44299New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that 44300they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont. 44301 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have 44302taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!" 44303% 44304THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time 44305to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the 44306floor. 44307 44308"Sorry," he said with a smile. 44309 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 44310% 44311The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. 44312% 44313The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. 44314Let the reader catch his own breath. 44315 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart 44316% 44317The older I grow, the more I distrust the 44318familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. 44319 -- H.L. Mencken 44320% 44321The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity. 44322 -- Oscar Wilde 44323% 44324The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. 44325% 44326The one good thing about repeating your 44327mistakes is that you know when to cringe. 44328% 44329The one L lama, he's a priest 44330The two L llama, he's a beast 44331And I will bet my silk pyjama 44332There isn't any three L lllama. 44333 -- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally 44334 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama." 44335% 44336The One Page Principle: 44337 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper 44338 cannot be understood. 44339 -- Mark Ardis 44340% 44341The one sure way to make a lazy man look 44342respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand. 44343% 44344The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed. 44345 -- Abbey Hoffman 44346% 44347The only certainty is that nothing is certain. 44348 -- Pliny the Elder 44349% 44350The only constant is change. 44351% 44352The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a 44353right turn on a red light. 44354 -- Woody Allen 44355% 44356The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is 44357that the car salesman knows he's lying. 44358% 44359The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. 44360% 44361The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that 44362every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. 44363 -- Oscar Wilde 44364% 44365The only difference in the game of love over the last few 44366thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds. 44367 -- The Indianapolis Star 44368% 44369The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look 44370respectable. 44371 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 44372% 44373The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. 44374The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may 44375experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and 44376thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever 44377could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very 44378swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels 44379much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of 44380oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach 44381it and are delighted. 44382 -- Nietzsche 44383% 44384The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism. 44385 -- Dorothy Parker 44386% 44387The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is 44388that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences; 44389beyond this they have not legitimacy. 44390 -- Einstein. 44391% 44392The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away 44393is your husband. 44394% 44395The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live, 44396mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, 44397the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn 44398like fabulous yellow Roman candles. 44399 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road" 44400% 44401The only people who make love all the time are liars. 44402 -- Louis Jordan 44403% 44404The only perfect science is hind-sight. 44405% 44406The only person to get all of his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. 44407% 44408The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. 44409% 44410The only possible interpretation of any research 44411whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't. 44412% 44413The only possible interpretation of any research 44414whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't. 44415 -- Ernest Rutherford 44416% 44417The only problem with being a man of leisure 44418is that you can never stop and take a rest. 44419% 44420The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. 44421 -- Phaedrus 44422% 44423The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to 44424be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to 44425be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think 44426you've got something really great, add ten per cent more. 44427 -- Bill Veeck 44428% 44429The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a 44430plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal 44431other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable. 44432 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On" 44433% 44434The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it. 44435% 44436The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method 44437for getting acquainted. 44438 -- Heywood Broun 44439% 44440The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. 44441 -- C. Schultz 44442% 44443The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise 44444of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock. 44445 -- Colette 44446% 44447The only reward of virtue is virtue. 44448 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 44449% 44450The only rose without thorns is friendship. 44451% 44452The only thing better than love is milk. 44453% 44454The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk. 44455% 44456The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches 44457us nothing. 44458 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog) 44459% 44460The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that 44461the first one was useless. 44462 -- Nicolas Chamfort 44463% 44464The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. 44465It is never any use to oneself. 44466 -- Oscar Wilde 44467% 44468The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn. 44469 -- Earl Warren 44470 44471That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all 44472the lessons that history has to teach. 44473 -- Aldous Huxley 44474 44475We learn from history that we do not learn from history. 44476 -- Georg Hegel 44477 44478HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn 44479nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened 44480this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view. 44481 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 44482% 44483The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything. 44484 -- C. Schultz 44485% 44486The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge 44487and guilt. 44488 -- Elvis Costello 44489% 44490The only way to amuse some people 44491is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. 44492% 44493The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. 44494 -- Oscar Wilde 44495% 44496The only way to keep you health is to eat what you don't want, 44497drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. 44498 -- Mark Twain 44499% 44500The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. 44501 -- David Gerrold 44502% 44503The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt 44504in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together. 44505 -- Jean de la Bruyere 44506% 44507The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up 44508until 5 or 6 PM. 44509% 44510The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. 44511It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm. 44512% 44513The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite 44514of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 44515 -- Niels Bohr 44516% 44517The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 44518 -- Bohr 44519% 44520The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is 44521waiting. 44522 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 44523% 44524The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, 44525and the pessimist knows it. 44526 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists" 44527 44528Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking 44529almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all 44530possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. 44531 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion" 44532% 44533The optimum committee has no members. 44534 -- Norman Augustine 44535% 44536The opulence of the front office door varies 44537inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. 44538% 44539The orders come down and they march us away. 44540There's a battle outside and we join in the fray. 44541God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day, 44542But it's better than working for Xerox. 44543 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask" 44544% 44545The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. 44546 -- Steven Wright 44547% 44548The other line moves faster. 44549% 44550The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on 44551a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance 44552with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke 44553English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a 44554pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her 44555head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a 44556table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to 44557dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They 44558went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious 44559evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew 44560a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has 44561never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. 44562% 44563The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me". 44564% 44565The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add. 44566 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court 44567% 44568The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what 44569she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked, 44570 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?" 44571 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals." 44572% 44573The past always looks better than it was. 44574It's only pleasant because it isn't here. 44575 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) 44576% 44577The people sensible enough to give 44578good advice are usually sensible enough to give none. 44579% 44580The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly -- 44581not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you 44582waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are. 44583In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the 44584person you have always wanted to be. 44585 -- Nancy Friday 44586% 44587The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M. 44588 -- Charles Pierce 44589% 44590The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner, 44591but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that 44592quality of joy. 44593 -- Erica Jong 44594% 44595The person who can smile when something 44596goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. 44597% 44598The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. 44599% 44600The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it. 44601% 44602The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying. 44603% 44604The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes. 44605% 44606The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip 44607market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and 44608is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose" 44609 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982 44610% 44611The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that, 44612when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers 44613become soft. 44614% 44615The philosopher's treatment of a question 44616is like the treatment of an illness. 44617 -- Wittgenstein. 44618% 44619The Phone Booth Rule: 44620 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right. 44621% 44622The Pig, if I am not mistaken, 44623Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. 44624Let others think his heart is big, 44625I think it stupid of the Pig. 44626% 44627The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang 44628and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter 44629connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center 44630fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were 44631blound by the sun and he dropped it. 44632 -- Dizzy Dean 44633% 44634The plural of spouse is spice. 44635% 44636The Poems, all three hundred of them, 44637may be summed up in one of their phrases: 44638"Let our thoughts be correct". 44639 -- Confucius 44640% 44641The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life 44642 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George 44643Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his 44644verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well". 44645 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his 44646work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually 44647lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel". 44648 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically 44649rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with 44650the higher emotions. 44651 She would me "Honey" call, 44652 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too. 44653 But now alas! She's left me 44654 Falero, lero, loo. 44655 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize 44656was her prudent choice of footwear. 44657 The fives did fit her shoe. 44658 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by 44659the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the 44660Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and 44661begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied, 44662"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the 44663worst poet in England." 44664 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 44665% 44666The poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war, 44667and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy." 44668 -- Celine 44669% 44670The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad 44671trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and 44672save your sanity for later. 44673% 44674The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be 44675addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally 44676important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not 44677expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can 44678we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing 44679true distaste. 44680 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly 44681 Correct Behavior" 44682% 44683The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment. 44684To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog. 44685 -- Buckminster Fuller 44686% 44687The pollution's at that awkward stage. 44688Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate. 44689 -- Doug Sneyd 44690% 44691The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it. 44692 -- Anthony Burgess 44693% 44694The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor 44695prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, 44696or to the people. 44697 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights) 44698% 44699The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, 44700 Were each of them once a kiddie. 44701A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. 44702 Do I want one? God Forbiddie! 44703 -- Ogden Nash 44704% 44705The president publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's 44706remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!". Those 44707offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. 44708 -- Channel 11 News, Baltimore, on Billy Carter 44709% 44710The prettiest women are almost always the most 44711boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God. 44712 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 44713% 44714The price of greatness is responsibility. 44715% 44716The price of success in philosophy is triviality. 44717 -- C. Glymour. 44718% 44719The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate 44720knowledge of its ugly side. 44721 -- James Baldwin 44722% 44723The primary function of the design engineer is to make things 44724difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. 44725% 44726The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; 44727instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the 44728variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead 44729of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the 44730program, should the value of pi change. 44731 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers 44732% 44733The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" 44734represents the secondary theme: 44735 44736 Law Enforcement Officials 44737 44738The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: 44739 44740 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials 44741 -- M. Gallaher 44742% 44743The probability of someone watching you is directly 44744proportional to the stupidity of your action. 44745% 44746The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, 44747a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem. 44748 -- Mike Smith 44749% 44750The problem with any unwritten law is that 44751you don't know where to go to erase it. 44752 -- Glaser and Way 44753% 44754The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have 44755to sleep every few days. 44756% 44757The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my 44758time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my 44759government because they could not keep up. 44760 -- Idi Amin Dada 44761% 44762The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that 44763for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good 44764requires intent. 44765% 44766The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can 44767be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. 44768 -- Elizabeth Taylor 44769% 44770The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 44771% 44772The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty 44773for incompetence. 44774% 44775The problems of business administration in general, and database management in 44776particular are much to difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded 44777with sloppy english. 44778 -- Edsger Dijkstra 44779% 44780The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, 44781stable business. 44782 -- John Steinbeck 44783% 44784The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead. 44785% 44786The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom their 44787thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. 44788 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the 44789battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved 44790blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. 44791 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? 44792 The answer exists only in the Tao. 44793% 44794The proof of the pudding is in the eating. 44795 -- Miguel de Cervantes 44796% 44797The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel 44798and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a 44799horse. 44800 -- Jac Goudsmit 44801% 44802The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper 44803thoughts about their neighbours. 44804 -- F.H. Bradley 44805% 44806The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's 44807outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake 44808since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its 44809victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before 44810running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. 44811 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 44812% 44813The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit 44814raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no 44815certainties. 44816 -- H.L. Mencken, "Prejudice" 44817% 44818The Public is merely a multiplied "me." 44819 -- Mark Twain 44820% 44821The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but 44822because it gave pleasure to the spectators. 44823 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England" 44824% 44825The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're 44826not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not 44827engineers. 44828% 44829"The pyramid is opening!" 44830"Which one?" 44831"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" 44832% 44833The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. 44834% 44835The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to 44836join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its 44837attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every 44838sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good 44839whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot 44840contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them 44841remain each in their own position. 44842 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from 44843 Queen Victoria 44844% 44845The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of 44846whether submarines can swim. 44847 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 44848% 44849The questions remain the same. 44850The answers are eternally variable. 44851% 44852The Rabbits The Cow 44853Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk; 44854That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk. 44855 -- Ogden Nash 44856% 44857The race is not always to the swift, nor the 44858battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. 44859 -- Damon Runyon 44860% 44861The rain it raineth on the just 44862And also on the unjust fella: 44863But chiefly on the just, because 44864The unjust steals the just's umbrella. 44865 -- Lord Bowen 44866% 44867The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. 44868% 44869The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise 44870measurement of the speed of blight. 44871% 44872The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the 44873illiterates can read. 44874 -- Alberto Moravia 44875% 44876The real man's Bloody Mary: 44877 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire 44878 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery. 44879 44880 Fill a large tumbler with vodka. 44881 Throw all the other ingredients away. 44882% 44883The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys. 44884% 44885The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking. 44886 -- Christopher Morley 44887% 44888The real reason large families benefit society is because at least 44889a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners. 44890% 44891The real reason psychology is hard is that 44892psychologists are trying to do the impossible. 44893% 44894The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. 44895% 44896The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. 44897% 44898The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love. 44899 -- Don Rose 44900% 44901The reason that every major university maintains a department of 44902mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those 44903people. 44904% 44905The reason they're called wisdom teeth 44906is that the experience makes you wise. 44907% 44908The reason why worry kills more people 44909than work is that more people worry than work. 44910% 44911The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one 44912persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress 44913depends on the unreasonable man. 44914 -- George Bernard Shaw 44915% 44916The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its 44917financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of 44918a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy 44919industry, Honduras because the coffeee price went sour, Zaire because 44920nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country. 44921 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book 44922% 44923The relative importance of files depends on their cost 44924in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them. 44925 -- T.A. Dolotta 44926% 44927The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk 44928of a Dodge Dart. 44929 -- Lisa Alther 44930% 44931The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher 44932Called a hen a most elegant creature. 44933 The hen, pleased with that, 44934 Laid an egg in his hat -- 44935And thus did the hen reward Beecher. 44936 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 44937% 44938The reverse side also has a reverse side. 44939 -- Japanese proverb 44940% 44941The revolution will not be televised. 44942% 44943The reward for working hard is more hard work. 44944% 44945The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. 44946 -- Emerson 44947% 44948The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. 44949The haves get more, the have-nots die. 44950% 44951The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. 44952This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. 44953% 44954The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be 44955taken seriously. 44956 -- Hubert Humphrey 44957% 44958The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be 44959taken seriously. 44960 -- Hubert Humphrey 44961% 44962The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom. 44963 -- Justice Douglas 44964% 44965The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared 44966for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his 44967infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and 44968upon the successful management of which so much remains. 44969 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist 44970% 44971The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the 44972House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights 44973you have and what rights you have not got. 44974 -- J. Parnell Thomas 44975% 44976The ripest fruit falls first. 44977 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 44978% 44979The road to Hades is easy to travel. 44980 -- Bion 44981% 44982The road to hell is paved with NAND gates. 44983 -- J. Gooding 44984% 44985The road to ruin is always in good repair, 44986and the travellers pay the expense of it. 44987 -- Josh Billings 44988% 44989The Roman Rule 44990 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the 44991 one who is doing it. 44992% 44993The root of all superstition is that men 44994observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses. 44995 -- Francis Bacon 44996% 44997The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us. 44998% 44999The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in 45000his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on 45001one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't 45002take it too seriously. 45003 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 45004% 45005The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today. 45006 -- Lewis Carroll 45007% 45008The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or 45009give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. 45010 -- Jane Bryant Quinn 45011% 45012The rules: 45013 450141: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems. 450152: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at 45016 the console keyboard. 450173: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little 45018 card decks together. 450194: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system, 45020 especially if you're already married. 450215: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as 45022 a stool to reach another disk pack. 450236: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour 45024 shift. 450257: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their 45026 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces. 450278: Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job. 450289: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room. 4502910: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens". 45030% 45031The Russians have put a small ball up in the air. 45032That does not raise my apprehensions one iota. 45033 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 45034% 45035The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market 45036award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal 45037gesture by the individual to himself. 45038 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal" 45039% 45040The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics! 45041% 45042The savior becomes the victim. 45043% 45044The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse. 45045 45046Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'. 45047 Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..." 45048 45049Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*. 45050% 45051The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 45052showed that all had these things in common: 45053 45054 1) They all had moderate appetites. 45055 2) They all came from middle class homes. 45056 3) All but two of them were dead. 45057% 45058The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is 45059a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings 45060of civilization. 45061 -- T.K. 45062% 45063The second best policy is dishonesty. 45064% 45065The Second Law of Thermodynamics: 45066 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait! 45067 -- Jim Warner 45068% 45069The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody. 45070% 45071The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food. 45072% 45073The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, 45074you've got it made. 45075 -- Jean Giraudoux 45076% 45077The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; 45078there is no humor in Heaven. 45079 -- Mark Twain 45080% 45081The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone 45082beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why! 45083 -- Harry Skelton 45084% 45085The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he 45086reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray 45087Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace 45088of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of 45089him are dead, he is alive. 45090 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached 45091everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce 45092host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and 45093equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." 45094 "How?" demanded Fafhrd. 45095 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." 45096 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar" 45097% 45098The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth, 45099and sixth years. 45100% 45101The sheep died in the wool. 45102% 45103The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. 45104 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 45105% 45106The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line. 45107% 45108The shortest distance between two points is under construction. 45109 -- Noelie Altito 45110% 45111The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed. 45112 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia 45113% 45114The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft 45115voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity. 45116 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907 45117% 45118The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick. 45119 -- [just say that five times...] 45120% 45121The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing. 45122 -- Judge Harold T. Stone 45123% 45124The smallest worm will turn being trodden on. 45125 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 45126% 45127The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing, 45128And surly Winter grimly flies. 45129Now crystal clear are the falling waters, 45130And bonnie blue are the sunny skies. 45131Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning, 45132The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell: 45133All creatures joy in the sun's returning, 45134And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell. 45135 45136The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer, 45137The yellow Autumn presses near; 45138Then in his turn come gloomy Winter, 45139Till smiling Spring again appear. 45140Thus seasons dancing, life advancing, 45141Old Time and Nature their changes tell; 45142But never ranging, still unchanging, 45143I adore my bonnie Bell. 45144 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell" 45145% 45146The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an 45147"airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers 45148while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- 45149one can see only a very few things at once. 45150 -- Fred Brooks 45151% 45152The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the 45153rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors. 45154 -- Max Lerner 45155% 45156The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and 45157tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will 45158have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor 45159its theories will hold water. 45160% 45161The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door 45162He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore" 45163The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before 45164And slowly she let him inside. 45165 45166He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young 45167But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won 45168And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun 45169And now will you tell me why?" 45170 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier" 45171% 45172The solution of problems is the most characteristic 45173and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking. 45174 -- William James 45175% 45176The solution of this problem is trivial 45177and is left as an exercise for the reader. 45178% 45179The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. 45180 -- Peer 45181% 45182The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from 45183his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was 45184sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and 45185active, and had the strange notion that church should also be avtive and 45186exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little dissapointed with the 45187dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it. 45188 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and 45189vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation 45190was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was 45191horrified! Then came the children's lesson. 45192 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table. 45193The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against 45194the table as the children gathered around him. 45195 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" 45196 There was total silence. 45197 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" 45198 Total silence. 45199 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please, 45200sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me." 45201% 45202The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money. 45203 -- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon 45204% 45205The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money. 45206 -- Ed Bluestone 45207% 45208The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. 45209% 45210The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. 45211% 45212The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound. 45213In town a noun might wear a gown, 45214or further down, might dress a clown. 45215A noun that's sound would never clown, 45216but unsound nouns jump up and down. 45217The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing, 45218and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound. 45219But please don't let that get you down, 45220the renown of your gown is the talk of the town. 45221 -- A. Nonnie Mouse 45222% 45223The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet 45224themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week 45225against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat 45226Russian, get off my Ford Escort." 45227 -- Dennis Miller 45228% 45229The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything. 45230% 45231The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the 45232philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world 45233is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying 45234reality. 45235 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 45236% 45237The star of riches is shining upon you. 45238% 45239The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers 45240written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not 45241follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces 45242of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took 45243the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held 45244in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation 45245died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put 45246back by years. 45247 -- Douglas Adams 45248% 45249The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin. 45250 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices" 45251% 45252The steady state of disks is full. 45253 -- Ken Thompson 45254% 45255The story of the butterfly: 45256 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love, 45257a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go 45258out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on 45259the third day, I heard a knock." 45260 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight, 45261there was nothing." 45262 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away." 45263 -- Peter Carey, BLISS 45264% 45265The story you are about to hear is true. 45266Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. 45267% 45268The street preacher looked so baffled 45269When I asked him why he dressed 45270With forty pounds of headlines 45271Stapled to his chest. 45272But he cursed me when I proved to him 45273I said, "Not even you can hide. 45274You see, you're just like me. 45275I hope you're satisfied." 45276 -- Bob Dylan 45277% 45278The streets were dark with something more than night. 45279 -- Raymond Chandler 45280% 45281The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay. 45282% 45283The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay. 45284% 45285The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He 45286can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless 45287existance recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is 45288that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition -- 45289that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones. 45290He creates himself by fashoning his own values; he has the pride to live 45291by the values he wills. 45292 -- Nietzsche 45293% 45294The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have 45295yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand. 45296 -- The Silver Surfer 45297% 45298The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant. 45299The population is, of course, growing. 45300% 45301The sun never sets on those who ride into it. 45302 -- RKO 45303% 45304The sun was shining on the sea, 45305Shining with all his might: 45306He did his very best to make 45307The billows smooth and bright -- 45308And this was very odd, because it was 45309The middle of the night. 45310 -- Lewis Carroll 45311% 45312The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness. 45313 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed" 45314% 45315The superfluous is very necessary. 45316 -- Voltaire 45317% 45318The superior man understands what is right; 45319the inferior man understands what will sell. 45320 -- Confucius 45321% 45322The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their 45323way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, 45324whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other 45325side a consistency, forsight and coherence that its own experience belies. 45326Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to 45327speak of the room. 45328 -- Henry Kissinger 45329% 45330The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed. 45331% 45332The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife. 45333% 45334The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher 45335esteem those who think alike than those who think differently. 45336 -- Nietzsche 45337% 45338The surest way to remain a winner is to 45339win once, and then not play any more. 45340% 45341The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core -- 45342Scratch a lover and find a foe! 45343 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness" 45344% 45345The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday. 45346% 45347The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance. 45348% 45349The Tao doesn't take sides; 45350it gives birth to both wins and losses. 45351The Guru doesn't take sides; 45352she welcomes both hackers and lusers. 45353 45354The Tao is like a stack: 45355the data changes but not the structure. 45356the more you use it, the deeper it becomes; 45357the more you talk of it, the less you understand. 45358 45359Hold on to the root. 45360% 45361The Tao is like a glob pattern: 45362used but never used up. 45363It is like the extern void: 45364filled with infinite possibilities. 45365 45366It is masked but always present. 45367I don't know who built to it. 45368It came before the first kernel. 45369% 45370The tao that can be tar(1)ed 45371is not the entire Tao. 45372The path that can be specified 45373is not the Full Path. 45374 45375We declare the names 45376of all variables and functions. 45377Yet the Tao has no type specifier. 45378 45379Dynamically binding, you realize the magic. 45380Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy. 45381 45382Yet magic and hierarchy 45383arise from the same source, 45384and this source has a null pointer. 45385 45386Reference the NULL within NULL, 45387it is the gateway to all wizardry. 45388% 45389The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer 45390them a drink. 45391 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview" 45392% 45393The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available 45394data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon 45395shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, 45396as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much 45397radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times 45398as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we 45399receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the 45400Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature 45401of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where 45402the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, 45403i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using 45404the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute 45405temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact 45406temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the 45407temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas. 45408Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their 45409part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten 45410brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 45411or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have, 45412then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. 45413 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972 45414% 45415The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled 45416culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale. 45417% 45418The Ten Commandments for Technicians: 45419 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 45420 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a 45421 most untechnician-like manner. 45422 45423 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy 45424 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console 45425 her in other ways. 45426% 45427The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene 45428of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process 45429as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The 45430employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible 45431temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated. 45432 -- Kenny's Korner 45433% 45434The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed 45435ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. 45436 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald 45437% 45438The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 45439 -- Aldo Leopold 45440% 45441The thing that takes up the least amount of time 45442and causes the most amount of trouble is sex. 45443% 45444The things that interest people most are usually none of their business. 45445% 45446The Third Law of Photography: 45447 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined 45448 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of 45449 the dark leaks out. 45450% 45451The thought of being President fightens me and I do not think I 45452want the job. 45453 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973 45454 45455Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he 45456would have lost. 45457 -- Mort Sahl 45458 45459Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art. 45460 -- Gore Vidal 45461 45462Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and 45463I need a lot of sleep. 45464 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. 45465 45466You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him 45467accurately it's called mudslinging. 45468 -- Walter Mondale 45469% 45470The Thought Police are here. They've come 45471To put you under cardiac arrest. 45472And as they drag you through the door 45473They tell you that you've failed the test. 45474 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age" 45475% 45476The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August. 45477% 45478The three biggest software lies: 45479 45480 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source. 45481 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from 45482 will fix the microcode. 45483 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site. 45484% 45485The three laws of thermodynamics: 45486 (1) You can't get anything without working for it. 45487 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. 45488 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero. 45489% 45490THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND: 45491 454921) Where's the bathroom? 454932) What time does the parade start? 454943) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it? 45495% 45496The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive? 454972. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place? 45498 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 45499% 45500The three rules of international air travel: 45501 45502(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used 45503 to be Braniff or Aeroflot). 45504(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you 45505 know *exactly* what you're doing. 45506(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own. 45507% 45508The thrill is here, but it won't last long 45509You'd better have your fun before it moves along... 45510% 45511The time for action is past! 45512Now is the time for senseless bickering. 45513% 45514The time is right to make new friends. 45515% 45516The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance 45517committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved. 45518 -- C.N. Parkinson 45519% 45520The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. 45521The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of 45522Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by 45523mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age, 45524men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came. 45525The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of 45526the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the 45527Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced 45528them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or 45529it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I 45530choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be 45531brought." 45532 -- Alistair Cooke 45533% 45534The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless. 45535 -- Hosea Ballou 45536% 45537The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad. 45538% 45539The tree of research must from time to time 45540be refreshed with the blood of bean counters. 45541 -- Alan Kay 45542% 45543The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, 45544but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings. 45545 -- Little Big Man 45546% 45547The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator. 45548% 45549The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. 45550% 45551The trouble with being punctual is that people 45552think you have nothing more important to do. 45553% 45554The trouble with computers is that they do 45555what you tell them, not what you want. 45556 -- D. Cohen 45557% 45558The trouble with doing something right the first 45559time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. 45560% 45561The trouble with eating Italian food is that 45562five or six days later you're hungry again. 45563 -- George Miller 45564% 45565The trouble with heart disease is that the first 45566symptom is often hard to deal with: death. 45567 -- Michael Phelps 45568% 45569The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives. 45570 -- George S. Kaufman 45571% 45572The trouble with money is it costs too much! 45573% 45574The trouble with opportunity is that it 45575always comes disguised as hard work. 45576 -- Herbert V. Prochnow 45577% 45578The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- 45579and then marry him. 45580 -- Cher 45581% 45582The trouble with some women is that they get 45583all excited about nothing -- and then marry him. 45584 -- Cher 45585% 45586The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds 45587the other fellow of a dull one. 45588 -- Sid Caesar 45589% 45590The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. 45591 -- Lily Tomlin 45592% 45593The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians 45594who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool 45595all of the people all of the time. 45596 -- Franklin Adams 45597% 45598The trouble with you 45599Is the trouble with me. 45600Got two good eyes 45601But we still don't see. 45602 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead" 45603% 45604The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great 45605height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make 45606people stumble than to be walked upon. 45607 -- Franz Kafka 45608% 45609The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides. 45610 -- Andre Malraux 45611% 45612The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. 45613 -- Oscar Wilde 45614% 45615The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. 45616And vice versa. 45617% 45618The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it. 45619 -- Stanley Kubrick 45620% 45621The Truth Shall Rape You Over. 45622 -- Caltech 45623% 45624The truth you speak has no past and no future. 45625It is, and that's all it needs to be. 45626% 45627The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks 45628Which practically conceal its sex. 45629I think it clever of the turtle 45630In such a fix to be so fertile. 45631 -- O. Nash 45632% 45633The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed." 45634 -- Dorothy Parker 45635% 45636The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 45637% 45638The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 45639 -- Harlan Ellison 45640% 45641The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs. 45642 -- G.B. Shaw 45643% 45644The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that 45645two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated 45646by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics. 45647 -- I.F. Stone 45648% 45649The two things that can get you into trouble 45650quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses. 45651% 45652The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more 45653annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. 45654 -- Oscar Wilde 45655% 45656The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh? 45657And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh? 45658There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh? 45659So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot, 45660Eh? 45661So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh? 45662And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh? 45663They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way! 45664Eh? 45665 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh? 45666Beauty! 45667% 45668The ultimate game show will be the one 45669where somebody gets killed at the end. 45670 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show" 45671% 45672The unfacts, did we have them, are too 45673imprecisely few to warrant out certitude. 45674% 45675The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress. 45676% 45677The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang. 45678% 45679The universe is an island, 45680surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes. 45681% 45682The universe is laughing behind your back. 45683% 45684The Universe is populated by stable things. 45685 -- Richard Dawkins 45686% 45687The universe is ruled by letting things take their course. 45688It cannot be ruled by interfering. 45689 -- Chinese proverb 45690% 45691The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent. 45692 -- Sagan 45693% 45694The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie 45695Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is 45696said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of 45697his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." 45698% 45699The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal, 45700and deviation standard. 45701% 45702The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to 45703hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure. 45704% 45705The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable 45706that I assume it must be evil. 45707 -- Heywood Broun 45708% 45709The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and 45710religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging 45711from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its 45712yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the 45713world put together. 45714 -- Sir Peter Medawar 45715% 45716The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems 45717is a symptom of professional immaturity. 45718 -- Edsger Dijkstra 45719% 45720The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be 45721regarded as a criminal offence. 45722 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 45723% 45724The use of COBOL cripples the mind; 45725its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. 45726 -- E.W. Dijkstra 45727% 45728The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money. 45729 -- B. Franklin 45730% 45731The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. 45732% 45733The very first essential for success is a perpetually 45734constant and regular employment of violence. 45735 -- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 45736% 45737The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of 45738altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their 45739views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the 45740facts that needs altering. 45741 -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" 45742% 45743The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me. 45744 -- Miguel de Cervantes 45745% 45746The Vet Who Surprised A Cow 45747 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary 45748surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal 45749gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial 45750expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some 45751bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000. 45752The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to 45753the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock. 45754 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45755% 45756The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance 45757to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth. 45758 -- John Wayne 45759% 45760The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases. 45761 -- Jerry Brown 45762% 45763The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh 45764restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks, 45765dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She 45766sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table, 45767then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend. 45768A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned 45769to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking." 45770% 45771The wages of sin are unreported. 45772% 45773The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States 45774Constitution. 45775% 45776The warning message we sent the Russians was a 45777calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood. 45778 -- Alexander Haig 45779% 45780The water was not fit to drink. 45781To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. 45782By diligent effort, I learned to like it. 45783 -- W. Churchill 45784% 45785The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and 45786incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. 45787 -- Emo Philips 45788% 45789The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones. 45790 -- Nathaniel Howe 45791% 45792The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward. 45793% 45794The way to a man's heart is through his 45795wife's belly, and don't you forget it. 45796 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" 45797% 45798The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle. 45799% 45800The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus. 45801% 45802The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. 45803% 45804The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. 45805% 45806The way to make a small fortune in the 45807commodities market is to start with a large fortune. 45808% 45809The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. 45810% 45811The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful. 45812My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away. 45813My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful. 45814Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play? 45815I feel together today! 45816 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph" 45817% 45818The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. 45819% 45820The weed of crime bears bitter fruit... 45821but the leaves are good to smoke! 45822 -- The Shadow 45823% 45824The white race is the cancer of history. 45825 -- Susan Sontag 45826% 45827The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. 45828 -- Wavy Gravy 45829% 45830The whole of life is futile unless you 45831consider it as a sporting proposition. 45832% 45833The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. 45834 -- Peter Beard 45835% 45836The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. 45837 -- George Gobel 45838% 45839The whole world is about three drinks behind. 45840 -- Humphrey Bogart 45841% 45842The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and 45843not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he 45844should. 45845 -- W.C. Fields 45846% 45847The wise man seeks everything in himself; 45848the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else. 45849% 45850The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. 45851% 45852The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the 45853medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work, 45854she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to 45855live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you 45856throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?" 45857 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have 45858to get up in the morning!" 45859% 45860The wonderful thing about a dancing bear 45861is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all. 45862% 45863The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools 45864we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral 45865and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because 45866of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible. 45867We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller 45868ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much. 45869 -- Paul Licker 45870% 45871The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not 45872designed for people who walk on their hands. 45873 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp" 45874% 45875The world is a comedy to those who think, 45876and a tragedy to those who feel. 45877 -- Horace Walpole 45878% 45879The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!! 45880% 45881The world is coming to an end! 45882Repent and return those library books! 45883% 45884The world is full of people who have never, since 45885childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind. 45886 -- E.B. White 45887% 45888The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says 45889it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. 45890 -- E. Hubbard 45891% 45892The world is not octal despite DEC. 45893% 45894The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. 45895It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. 45896You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages. 45897 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 45898% 45899The world needs more people like us and fewer like them. 45900% 45901The world really isn't any worse. 45902It's just that the news coverage is so much better. 45903% 45904The world wants to be deceived. 45905 -- Sebastian Brant 45906% 45907The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out. 45908% 45909The world's as ugly as sin, 45910And almost as delightful 45911 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson 45912% 45913The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, 45914nor its great scholars great men. 45915 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 45916% 45917The Worst American Poet 45918 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that 45919Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years. 45920 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire 45921of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her 45922pen. 45923 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the 45924formula was the same: 45925 Have you heard of the dreadful fate 45926 Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife? 45927 Of their death I will relate, 45928 And also others lost their life 45929 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster, 45930 Where so many people died. 45931 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems, 45932the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a 45933river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than 45934a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded. 45935 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even 45936suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was 45937forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went 45938beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do". 45939 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45940% 45941THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE 45942 45943During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over 45944emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an 45945elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped 45946up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their 45947duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. 45948Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat 45949and killed it. 45950 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45951% 45952THE WORST BANK ROBBERY 45953 45954In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of 45955Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They 45956had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, 45957sheepishly left the building. 45958A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of 45959robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded 459605,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it 45961was a practical joke. 45962Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor 45963clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got 45964trapped in the revolving doors again. 45965% 45966The Worst Car Hire Service 45967 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck 45968as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up 45969shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. 45970 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he 45971conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles. 45972 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and 45973he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving 45974round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do. 45975 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to 45976admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we 45977overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle 45978we might overlook that too." 45979 "Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled 45980into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the 45981ash tray." 45982 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45983% 45984The worst cliques are those which consist of one man. 45985 -- G.B. Shaw 45986% 45987THE WORST HOMING PIGEON 45988 45989This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was 45990expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, 45991in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil. 45992 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45993% 45994The worst is enemy of the bad. 45995% 45996The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst." 45997 -- King Lear 45998% 45999The Worst Jury 46000 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when 46001one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the 46002remotest clue what was happening. 46003 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any 46004evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him. 46005 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second 46006juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French 46007speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he 46008was hearing a murder trial. 46009 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered 46010from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language 46011and nearly as deaf as the first juror. 46012 The judge ordered a retrial. 46013 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 46014% 46015The Worst Lines of Verse 46016For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line: 46017 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats." 46018Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted 46019these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous 46020laughter the instant they were read out. 46021 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was 46022inspired by the subject of war. 46023 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away, 46024 And the grey roof reddened and rang; 46025 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay 46026 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!" 46027By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79): 46028 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..." 46029While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables: 46030 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed, 46031 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand." 46032George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote: 46033 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go 46034 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co." 46035William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse: 46036 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak 46037 While in this world, are liable to leak." 46038And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when 46039describing a pond: 46040 "I've measured it from side to side; 46041 Tis three feet long and two feet wide." 46042 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 46043% 46044The Worst Musical Trio 46045 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at 46046a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their 46047instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian 46048gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated 46049violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite 46050unhampered by great musical talent. 46051 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public 46052concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does. 46053A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although 46054Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau 46055in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown. 46056 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father, 46057"and it will be a sell out." 46058 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited 46059audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and 46060asked for someone to turn his pages. 46061 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who 46062volunteered and made his way to the stage. 46063 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the 46064music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle 46065Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played 46066the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages. 46067But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin." 46068 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 46069% 46070The worst part of having success is trying 46071to find someone who is happy for you. 46072 -- Bette Midler 46073% 46074The worst part of valor is indiscretion. 46075% 46076The Worst Prison Guards 46077 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a 46078maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison, 46079near Lisbon in Portugal. 46080 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison 46081warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which 46082included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity 46083of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were 46084planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had 46085not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were 46086"covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels, 46087water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities. 46088The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36 46089prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal" 46090because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back 46091the next morning. 46092 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when 46093one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they 46094eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's 46095population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr. 46096Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the 46097"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty." 46098 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 46099% 46100The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, 46101but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity. 46102 -- G.B. Shaw 46103% 46104The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they 46105are sober. 46106 -- William Butler Yeats 46107% 46108The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one 46109wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering 46110if something could have materialized -- and never knowing. 46111 -- David Viscott 46112% 46113The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly. 46114They were just the first not to crash. 46115% 46116The yankees, son, are up north. 46117The damnyankees are down here. 46118% 46119The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of 46120four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all 46121the answers. 46122% 46123The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup. 46124 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor. 46125 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated." 46126% 46127The young lady had an unusual list, 46128Linked in part to a structural weakness. 46129She set no preconditions. 46130% 46131The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means 46132to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he 46133found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day. 46134He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the 46135rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's 46136golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls. 46137"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece." 46138 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street 46139they only charge $1 a ball!" 46140 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the 46141rooms." 46142% 46143THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE 46144% 46145Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... 46146and you'd better not refuse. 46147% 46148Them as has, gets. 46149% 46150Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her 46151incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, 46152acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly. 46153 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D." 46154% 46155Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly. 46156I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was 46157right. 46158 -- P.J. O'Rourke 46159% 46160Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On. 46161% 46162Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of 46163Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each! Only problem was, 46164when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing 46165to the "W" on the dial. 46166 46167Moral: 46168 He who has a Tates is lost! 46169% 46170"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?" 46171"NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?" 46172"I'll put `maybe.'" 46173 -- Bloom County 46174% 46175Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand 46176it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner. 46177 -- Elbert Hubbard 46178% 46179Theorem: a cat has nine tails. 46180Proof: 46181 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. 46182 Therefore, a cat has nine tails. 46183% 46184Theorem: All positive integers are equal. 46185Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. 46186 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B 46187 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. 46188 46189Proceed by induction: 46190 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. 46191 So A = B. 46192 46193Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with 46194 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence 46195 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. 46196% 46197Theorem: All programs are dull. 46198 46199Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is 46200nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all 46201sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is 46202the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides 46203the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek. 46204 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 46205% 46206THEORY: 46207 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to 46208 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good 46209 it will look in print. 46210% 46211Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green. 46212 -- Goethe 46213% 46214Theory of Selective Supervision: 46215 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is 46216 the one time the boss walks through the office. 46217% 46218There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black 46219armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad 46220shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you 46221realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your 46222body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons: 46223sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident. 46224He speaks with a commanding voice: 46225 46226 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" 46227 46228As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you. 46229% 46230There appears to be irrefutable evidence that 46231the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence. 46232 -- Harvey Wheeler 46233% 46234There are a few things that never go out of style, 46235and a feminine woman is one of them. 46236 -- Ralston 46237% 46238There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true. 46239 -- Winston Churchill 46240% 46241There are bad times just around the corner, 46242There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky 46243And it's no good whining 46244About a silver lining 46245For we know from experience that they won't roll by... 46246 -- Noel Coward 46247% 46248There are few people more often in the wrong 46249than those who cannot endure to be thought so. 46250% 46251There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess -- 46252and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided. 46253 -- W. Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945 46254% 46255There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, 46256excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy... 46257 -- Ambrose Bierce 46258% 46259There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's 46260the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you 46261cannot know a woman, the divorce. 46262 -- Norman Mailer 46263% 46264There are in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the 46265two has the following record: The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit 46266inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent 46267postcard. The second is responsible for such things as the transistor, 46268the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, 46269sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape, 46270magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV 46271relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer, 46272and the first communications satellite. Guess which one is going to tell 46273the other how to run the telephone business? I can hardly wait for the 46274results. 46275% 46276There are many intelligent species in 46277the universe, and they all own cats. 46278% 46279There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break 46280about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get 46281about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor 46282get it in the winter. 46283 -- Bat Masterson 46284% 46285There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal 46286friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably 46287avoiding a great deal of pain. 46288% 46289There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing. 46290 -- Eugene Ionesco 46291% 46292There are more old drunkards than old doctors. 46293% 46294There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else. 46295% 46296There are more things in heaven and earth, 46297Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. 46298 -- Hamlet 46299% 46300There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream. 46301% 46302There are never any bugs you haven't found yet. 46303% 46304There are new messages. 46305% 46306There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe. 46307 -- Baba Ram Dass 46308% 46309There are no answers, only cross-references. 46310 -- Weiner 46311% 46312There are no emotional victims, only volunteers. 46313% 46314There are no great men, buster. There are only men. 46315 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful" 46316% 46317There are no great men, only great challenges that 46318ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet. 46319 -- Admiral William Halsey 46320% 46321There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry. 46322 -- The Duke of Wellington 46323% 46324There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence 46325of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally 46326competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make 46327some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible. 46328 -- Richard Davisson 46329% 46330There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort 46331of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it. 46332% 46333There are no winners in life, only survivors. 46334% 46335There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly. 46336 -- Helen Rowland 46337% 46338There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better. 46339% 46340There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and 46341taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days. 46342 -- shades 46343% 46344There are people so addicted to exaggeration 46345that they can't tell the truth without lying. 46346 -- Josh Billings 46347% 46348There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals 46349in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so 46350people who find nothing odd about it. 46351 -- Calvin Trillin 46352% 46353There are places I'll remember 46354All my life though some have changed. 46355Some forever not for better 46356Some have gone and some remain. 46357All these places had their moments 46358With lovers and friends I still recall. 46359Some are dead and some are living, 46360In my life I've loved them all. 46361 46362But of all these friends and lovers, 46363There is no one compared with you, 46364All these memories lose their meaning 46365When I think of love as something new. 46366Though I know I'll never lose affection 46367For people and things that went before, 46368I know I'll often stop and think about them 46369In my life I'll love you more. 46370 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965 46371% 46372There are running jobs. 46373Why don't you go chase them? 46374% 46375There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both 46376plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; 46377and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, 46378don't we all. 46379% 46380There are strange things done in the midnight sun 46381 By the men who moil for gold; 46382The Arctic trails have their secret tales 46383 That would make your blood run cold; 46384The Northern Lights have seen queer sights, 46385 But the queerest they ever did see 46386Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge 46387 I cremated Sam McGee. 46388 -- Robert W. Service 46389% 46390There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life 46391is the process of discovering them over and over and over. 46392 -- David Nichols 46393% 46394There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and 46395fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here 46396and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for 46397wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up 46398your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence. 46399 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 46400% 46401"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and 46402fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here 46403and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for 46404wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up 46405your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence." 46406 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 46407% 46408There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics. 46409 -- Benjamin Disraeli 46410% 46411There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix. 46412% 46413There are three possibilities: 46414Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; 46415there's a large meteor blocking transmission; 46416someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. 46417% 46418There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be 46419offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a 46420series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of 46421food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection 46422increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the 46423affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no 46424circumstances can the food be omitted. 46425 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour 46426% 46427There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need 46428the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the 46429world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the 46430long winter evenings. 46431 -- Quentin Crisp 46432% 46433There are three rules for writing a novel. 46434Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. 46435 -- Maugham 46436% 46437There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the 46438changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts. 46439Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's 46440science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled 46441by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering. 46442% 46443There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I 46444can't remember. 46445 -- Italo Svevo 46446% 46447There are three things I have always loved 46448and never understood -- art, music, and women. 46449% 46450There are three things men can do with women: 46451love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature. 46452 -- Stephen Stills 46453% 46454There are three ways to get something done: 46455 46456 1: Do it yourself. 46457 2: Hire someone to do it for you. 46458 3: Forbid your kids to do it. 46459% 46460There are three ways to get something done: 46461do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. 46462% 46463There are twenty-five people left in the world, 46464and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers. 46465 -- Ed Sanders 46466% 46467There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play 46468together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is 46469struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in 46470the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the 46471room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?" 46472 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice. 46473 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are 46474you?" 46475 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now." 46476 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?" 46477 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day. 46478I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time! 46479Man it is smokin'!" 46480 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more, 46481tell me more!" 46482 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news 46483and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean 46484I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here." 46485 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..." 46486% 46487There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." 46488And one says "This is new, and therefore better." 46489 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider" 46490% 46491There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." 46492And one says, "This is new, and therefore better" 46493 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider" 46494% 46495There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. 46496 -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar 46497% 46498There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. 46499We don't believe this to be a coincidence. 46500 -- Jeremy S. Anderson 46501% 46502There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel 46503like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't. 46504% 46505There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before 46506marriage and after marriage. 46507% 46508There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make 46509it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to 46510make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. 46511 -- C.A.R. Hoare 46512% 46513There are two ways of disliking art. 46514One is to dislike it. 46515The other is to like it rationally. 46516 -- Oscar Wilde 46517% 46518There are two ways of disliking poetry; 46519one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope. 46520 -- Oscar Wilde 46521% 46522There are two ways to write error-free 46523programs; only the third one works. 46524% 46525There are very few personal problems that cannot be 46526solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 46527% 46528There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening 46529with an insurance salesman? 46530 -- Woody Allen 46531% 46532There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men 46533of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling 46534rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and 46535together we'll face the world. 46536 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush" 46537% 46538There but for the grace of God, goes God. 46539 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps. 46540% 46541There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship. 46542 -- Ralph Nader 46543% 46544There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. 46545 -- Henry Kissinger 46546% 46547There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he 46548has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation. 46549 -- W.C. Fields 46550% 46551There comes a time to stop being angry. 46552 -- A Small Circle of Friends 46553% 46554There exist tasks which cannot be done 46555by more than 10 men or fewer than 100. 46556 -- Steele's Law 46557% 46558There goes the good time that was had by all. 46559 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet 46560% 46561There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names. 46562For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read 46563permissions for everyone, you could say 46564 46565 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444) 46566 46567 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it 46568hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away 46569from its uses. 46570 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that 46571is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of 46572the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is 46573being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro 46574name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology 46575-- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded 46576recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it 46577was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.) 46578 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review 46579% 46580There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange. 46581 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 46582% 46583There has been an alarming increase in the 46584number of things you know nothing about. 46585% 46586There is a 20% chance of tomorrow. 46587% 46588There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there 46589is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a 46590vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food 46591stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library. 46592 46593Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small 46594 elevator with one other person from each floor? 46595A: The elevator would be full. 46596% 46597There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery 46598is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If 46599you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else. 46600 --Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles 46601% 46602There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an 46603opinion. 46604 -- Anatole France 46605% 46606There is a fly on your nose. 46607% 46608There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital 46609and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting 46610each other's throat. 46611 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun" 46612% 46613There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: 46614that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. 46615% 46616There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. 46617% 46618There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends 46619his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick. 46620 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 46621% 46622There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of 46623wooden toilet seats. 46624 46625It's called the Birch John Society. 46626% 46627There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty, 46628Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the 46629Fatherland. 46630 -- Adolf Hitler 46631% 46632There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly 46633what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear 46634and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There 46635is another theory which states that this has already happened. 46636 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 46637% 46638There is a time in the tides of men, 46639Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success. 46640On the other hand, don't count on it. 46641 -- T.K. Lawson 46642% 46643There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it 46644is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. 46645 -- Helen Rowland 46646% 46647There is always more hell that needs raising. 46648 -- Lauren Leveut 46649% 46650There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling 46651somebody out. 46652 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem" 46653% 46654There is always someone worse off than yourself. 46655% 46656There is always something new out of Africa. 46657 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus 46658% 46659There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it 46660has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day. 46661 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 46662% 46663There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. 46664"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend." 46665 -- Mark Twain 46666% 46667There is brutality and there is honesty. 46668There is no such thing as brutal honesty. 46669% 46670There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, 46671having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, 46672whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of 46673gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and 46674most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved. 46675 -- Darwin 46676% 46677There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can 46678not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper. 46679% 46680There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. 46681 -- Arthur C. Clarke 46682% 46683There is in certain living souls 46684A quality of loneliness unspeakable, 46685So great it must be shared 46686As company is shared by lesser beings. 46687Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this 46688That in immensity 46689There is one lonelier than you. 46690% 46691There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon, 46692however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable. 46693Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be 46694discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator 46695on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is 46696even highly probable. 46697 -- H.L. Mencken, 1930 46698% 46699There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. 46700 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), 46701 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977 46702% 46703There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die, 46704and we will conquer. Follow me. 46705 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA) 46706% 46707There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a 46708man who eats Grapenuts on principle. 46709 -- G.K. Chesterton 46710% 46711There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the 46712man who eats Grap-Nuts on principle. 46713 -- G.K. Chesterton 46714% 46715There is more to life than increasing its speed. 46716 -- Mahatma Gandhi 46717% 46718There is more to life than increasing its speed. 46719 -- Mohandis K. Gandhi 46720% 46721There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you. 46722 -- Darth Vader 46723% 46724There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is 46725always enough time to do it over. 46726% 46727There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. 46728% 46729There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party 46730is not capable; for in politics there is no honour. 46731 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey" 46732% 46733There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. 46734No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth. 46735 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates" 46736% 46737There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. 46738No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. 46739 -- Jean Giradoux 46740% 46741"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing 46742the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries 46743civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. 46744We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward 46745striving of the human race" 46746 -- Alfred North Whitehead 46747% 46748There is no comfort without pain; thus 46749we define salvation through suffering. 46750 -- Cato 46751% 46752There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval. 46753 -- George Santayana 46754% 46755There is no delight the equal of dread. 46756As long as it is somebody else's. 46757 --Clive Barker 46758% 46759There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game. 46760% 46761There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. 46762 -- Mark Twain 46763% 46764There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he 46765filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary 46766as 'unearned income.' 46767 -- Michael Lara 46768% 46769There is no education that is not political. An apolitical 46770education is also political because it is purposely isolating. 46771% 46772There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income 46773parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a 46774child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to 46775picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one 46776Master of the Universe Battlecruiser! 46777 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap 46778% 46779There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. 46780% 46781There is no fool to the old fool. 46782 -- John Heywood 46783% 46784There is no future in time travel. 46785% 46786There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften. 46787% 46788There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted 46789armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. 46790 -- Ernest Hemingway 46791% 46792There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom. 46793 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923 46794% 46795There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox. 46796 -- George Francis Gillette 46797% 46798There is no point in waiting. 46799The train stopped running years ago. 46800All the schedules, the brochures, 46801The bright-colored posters full of lies, 46802Promise rides to a distant country 46803That no longer exists. 46804% 46805There is no proverb that is not true. 46806 -- Cervantes 46807% 46808There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools 46809to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. 46810So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in 46811check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. 46812 -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. 46813% 46814There is no royal road to geometry. 46815 -- Euclid 46816% 46817There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. 46818% 46819There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. 46820 -- G.B. Shaw 46821% 46822There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity. 46823 -- General Douglas MacArthur 46824% 46825There is no sin but ignorance. 46826 -- Christopher Marlowe 46827% 46828There is no sincerer love than the love of food. 46829 -- George Bernard Shaw 46830% 46831There is no statute of limitations on stupidity. 46832% 46833There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. 46834% 46835There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer. 46836% 46837There is no such thing as a free lunch. 46838% 46839There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. 46840% 46841There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only 46842the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive. 46843 -- Christian Dior 46844% 46845There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. 46846Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour. 46847 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 46848% 46849There is no such thing as pure pleasure; 46850some anxiety always goes with it. 46851% 46852There is no time like the pleasant. 46853% 46854There is no time like the present 46855for postponing what you ought to be doing. 46856% 46857There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and 46858family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too, 46859the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is 46860live as cheap as the people. 46861 -- The Best of Will Rogers 46862% 46863There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives 46864us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves. 46865 -- Augier 46866% 46867There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it. 46868 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares" 46869% 46870There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. 46871 -- Churchill 46872% 46873There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. 46874 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 46875% 46876There is nothing new except what has been forgotten. 46877 -- Marie Antoinette 46878% 46879There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult 46880when you do it reluctantly. 46881 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 46882% 46883There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who 46884comes to visit. 46885% 46886There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said 46887a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. 46888 "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with 46889an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin. 46890 "I could have answered it if I had been there." 46891 "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in 46892the middle of the night?'" 46893% 46894There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation. 46895% 46896There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it 46897is done in private and you wash your hands afterward. 46898% 46899There is one difference between a tax collector and 46900a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide. 46901 -- Mortimer Caplan 46902% 46903There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says 46904"Yes" you know he is crooked. 46905 -- Groucho Marx 46906% 46907There is only one thing in the world worse than being 46908talked about, and that is not being talked about. 46909 -- Oscar Wilde 46910% 46911There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none. 46912 -- Paul Bourget 46913% 46914There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk. 46915 -- Robert Heinlein 46916% 46917There is only one way to kill capitalism -- 46918by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. 46919 -- Karl Marx 46920% 46921There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, 46922and that word is blackmail. 46923 -- Colm Brogan 46924% 46925There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which 46926it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated. 46927 -- James Boswell 46928% 46929There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale 46930returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 46931 -- Mark Twain 46932% 46933There is something in the pang of change 46934More than the heart can bear, 46935Unhappiness remembering happiness. 46936 -- Euripides 46937% 46938There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong. 46939% 46940There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us! 46941% 46942There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who 46943constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those 46944who do not. 46945 -- Robert Benchley 46946% 46947There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United 46948States; of course, I never heard the story before. 46949% 46950There must be more to life than having everything. 46951 -- Maurice Sendak 46952% 46953There never was a good war or a bad peace. 46954 -- B. Franklin 46955% 46956There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The 46957king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished 46958in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said 46959to the prince: 46960 "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even 46961half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, 46962what would your decision be, my son?" 46963 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell 46964her that she was my best friend, and cut her head off." 46965 The king knew that his son would be a great king. 46966% 46967There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The 46968king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished 46969in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said 46970to the prince: 46971 "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even 46972half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, 46973what would your decision be, my son?" 46974 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell 46975her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom 46976that I had promised." 46977 The king knew that his son would be a great king. 46978% 46979There seems no plan because it is all plan. 46980 -- C.S. Lewis 46981% 46982There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." 46983 -- C.S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia" 46984% 46985There was a little girl 46986Who had a little curl 46987Right in the middle of her forehead. 46988When she was good, she was very, very good 46989And when she was bad, she was very, very popular. 46990 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book" 46991% 46992There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionallly put up 46993with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he 46994was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive 46995over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot 46996to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack, 46997and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be 46998able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go 46999around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave 47000him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared 47001to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to 47002hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in 47003the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband 47004cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing 47005her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same 47006course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he 47007sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able 47008to hit through, if he was to open both doors. 47009 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7". 47010% 47011There was a phone call for you. 47012% 47013There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were 47014left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. 47015Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so 47016they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed 47017out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world, 47018the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck 47019with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look! 47020We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is 47021to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes. 47022% 47023There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have 47024no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled 47025every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become 47026insupportable. 47027 -- Kurt Vonnegut 47028% 47029There was a young man from Brazil, 47030And a lady who'd not take the pill, 47031 They lay on the sofa, 47032 And a <$H12{ot]{ok]{ob{o[]{oR{oK{oDpo~po~pot~poe~{ o!po~po~poq~ 47033n~po_~{o[po ~poz~pok~po\~{o 470348]{o/pomF~po^~{opoh~poY~{opoc~poT~{op~po^~poO~{o[~poY~ poJ~{oF~poT~poE~{o1~ 47035% 47036There was a young man from LeDoux, 47037Whose limericks stopped at line two. 47038 47039There was a young man from Verdunne. 47040 47041 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one 47042 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please 47043 mail it to "fortune". Ed.] 47044% 47045There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of 47046their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity 47047of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian 47048couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were 47049blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together 47050on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy 47051baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus, 47052were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion 47053of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that: 47054The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of 47055the squaws of the other two hides. 47056% 47057There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which, 47058in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term 47059that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the 47060practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed 47061to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if 47062necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left 47063(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before). 47064 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine" 47065% 47066There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan. 47067Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike, 47068you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what 47069should I do?" 47070 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look 47071like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing 47072you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl." 47073 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker. 47074 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed 47075in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there, 47076pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits," 47077he tells the counterman. 47078 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says, 47079"You must be from New York." 47080 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did 47081you know?" 47082 "Because this is a hardware store." 47083% 47084There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when 47085the boss asks for a lift home from office. 47086% 47087There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when 47088the boss asks for a lift home from the office. 47089% 47090There will be big changes for you but you will be happy. 47091% 47092There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it. 47093 -- Lily Tomlin 47094% 47095Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use 47096this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause. 47097 -- Machiavelli 47098% 47099There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose, 47100ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are 47101pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could 47102hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at 47103least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey, 47104Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the 47105pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored. 47106 -- Shirley Povich, 1941 47107% 47108There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not 47109a fence. 47110% 47111There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. 47112Too bad it's not a fence. 47113% 47114There's a lesson that I need to remember 47115When everything is falling apart 47116In life, just like in loving 47117There's such a thing as trying to hard 47118 47119You've gotta sing 47120Like you don't need the money 47121Love like you'll never get hurt 47122You've gotta dance 47123Like nobody's watching 47124It's gotta come from the heart 47125If you want it to work. 47126 -- Kathy Mattea 47127% 47128There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot. 47129% 47130There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left 47131and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a 47132little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help. 47133A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody 47134there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won. 47135The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and 47136it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice 47137said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went 47138on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all 47139his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice 47140spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to 47141quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12, 47142and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!" 47143% 47144There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast 47145The corporation that we represent. 47146We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast, 47147Of that man of men our sterling president 47148The name of T.J. Watson means 47149A courage none can stem 47150And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM. 47151 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 47152% 47153There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to 47154recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to 47155let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity 47156or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future, 47157a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on, 47158rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of 47159living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding 47160action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the 47161best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office. 47162We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth 47163are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves 47164along -- quite gracefully. 47165 -- Ellen Goodman 47166% 47167There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle! 47168 -- Doug Clifford 47169% 47170There's always free cheese in a mouse trap. 47171% 47172There's always free cheese in a mousetrap. 47173% 47174There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. 47175% 47176There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really 47177don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything 47178to me. 47179 -- John Wayne 47180% 47181There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. 47182I really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it 47183didn't do anything to me. 47184 -- John Wayne 47185% 47186There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go. 47187% 47188There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state. 47189% 47190There's little in taking or giving, 47191 There's little in water or wine: 47192This living, this living, this living, 47193 Was never a project of mine. 47194Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is 47195 The gain of the one at the top, 47196For art is a form of catharsis, 47197 And love is a permanent flop, 47198And work is the provence of cattle, 47199 And rest's for a clam in a shell, 47200So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- 47201 Would you kindly direct me to hell? 47202 -- Dorothy Parker 47203% 47204There's no future in time travel. 47205% 47206There's no heavier burden than a great potential. 47207% 47208There's no justice in this world. 47209 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by 47210 New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had 47211 saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering 47212 the assassination of Schultz instead) 47213% 47214There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. 47215 -- Dr. Who 47216% 47217There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. 47218 -- Raoul Duke 47219% 47220There's no saint like a reformed sinner. 47221% 47222There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know 47223what you're talking about. 47224 -- John von Neumann 47225% 47226There's no such thing as a free lunch. 47227 -- Milton Friendman 47228% 47229There's no such thing as an original sin. 47230 -- Elvis Costello 47231% 47232There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it. 47233% 47234There's no time like the pleasant. 47235% 47236There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government 47237working for you. 47238 -- Will Rodgers 47239% 47240There's no use being precise about something 47241when you don't even know what you're talking about. 47242 -- John von Neumann 47243% 47244There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking. 47245% 47246There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead 47247armadillos. 47248 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner 47249% 47250There's nothing like a girl with a plunging 47251neckline to keep a man on his toes. 47252% 47253There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate 47254his wife. 47255 -- Clare Booth Luce 47256% 47257There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl. 47258% 47259There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar. 47260% 47261There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right 47262keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. 47263 -- J.S. Bach 47264% 47265There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter 47266and open a vein. 47267 -- Red Smith 47268% 47269There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that 47270nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination. 47271% 47272There's nothing worse for your business than 47273extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room. 47274 -- W. Bossert 47275% 47276There's nothing wrong with teenagers that 47277reasoning with them won't aggravate. 47278% 47279There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can 47280always see somebody who did worse. 47281 -- Warren H. Goldsmith 47282% 47283There's one fool at least in every married couple. 47284% 47285There's only one everything. 47286% 47287There's only one way to have a happy marriage 47288and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. 47289 -- Clint Eastwood 47290% 47291There's small choice in rotten apples. 47292 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 47293% 47294There's so much plastic in this culture that 47295vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. 47296 -- Lily Tomlin 47297% 47298There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. 47299% 47300There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe, 47301Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny. 47302 -- G. Gordon Liddy 47303% 47304There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists. 47305If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong. 47306% 47307There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil. 47308 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 47309% 47310There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear. 47311 -- Richard Le Gallienne 47312% 47313These activities have their own rules and methods 47314of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure. 47315 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960 47316% 47317These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what 47318they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. 47319% 47320They also serve who only stand and wait. 47321 -- John Milton 47322% 47323They also surf who only stand on waves. 47324% 47325They are called computers simply because computation is 47326the only significant job that has so far been given to them. 47327% 47328They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting 47329what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of 47330life. Let's face it: That's the American way. 47331 -- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District 47332 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers. 47333% 47334They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, 47335when they can see nothing but sea. 47336 -- Francis Bacon 47337% 47338They are relatively good but absolutely terrible. 47339 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos 47340% 47341They call them "squares" because it's the 47342most complicated shape they can deal with. 47343% 47344They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God! 47345 -- The Blues Brothers 47346% 47347They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... 47348 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last 47349 words, Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864 47350% 47351They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there 47352are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: 47353 47354(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 47355 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press 47356 conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850 47357 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including 47358 brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in 47359 the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them 47360 there. 47361(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce 47362 you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human 47363 sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction. 47364 A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record 47365 that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in 47366 sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is 47367 going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty 47368 just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression. 47369 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 47370% 47371They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and 47372try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the 47373man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They 47374only want to count to two. 47375 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance" 47376% 47377They don't suffer. They can't even speak English. 47378 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's 47379 question about the suffering of starving miners. 47380% 47381They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association. 47382% 47383They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. 47384 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 47385% 47386They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed. 47387% 47388They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government -- 47389especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that, 47390but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far. 47391 -- Richard Nixon 47392% 47393They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when 47394not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to 47395learn this particular lesson. 47396 -- Richard Stallman 47397% 47398They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the 47399system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First 47400we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. 47401 47402I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on 47403my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan, 47404then we take Berlin. 47405 47406I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit 47407and your clothes. But you see that line there moving throug the station? 47408I told you I told you I told you I was one of those. 47409 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan" 47410% 47411They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy. 47412Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. 47413 -- Mark Twain 47414% 47415They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results 47416About a month before. Their hair began to curl 47417The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it 47418But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. 47419 47420He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this 47421To pass where they had failed For it must ever be 47422And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest 47423The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. 47424 47425My notion was to start again 47426Ignoring all they'd done 47427We quickly turned it into code 47428To see if it would run. 47429% 47430They told me you had proven it 47431 About a month before. 47432The proof was valid, more or less He sent them word that we would try 47433 But rather less than more. To pass where they had failed 47434 And after we were done, to them 47435 The new proof would be mailed. 47436My notion was to start again 47437 Ignoring all they'd done 47438We quickly turned it into code When they discovered our results 47439 To see if it would run. Their hair began to curl 47440 Instead of understanding it 47441 We'd run the thing through PRL. 47442Don't tell a soul about all this 47443For it must ever be 47444A secret, kept from all the rest 47445Between yourself and me. 47446% 47447They took some of the Van Goghs, most 47448of the jewels, and all of the Chivas! 47449% 47450They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat 47451 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard 47452% 47453They use different words for things in America. 47454For instance they say elevator and we say lift. 47455They say drapes and we say curtains. 47456They say president and we say brain damaged git. 47457 -- Alexie Sayle 47458% 47459They went rushing down that freeway, 47460Messed around and got lost. 47461They didn't care... they were just dying to get off, 47462And it was life in the fast lane. 47463 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane" 47464% 47465They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly. 47466 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads. 47467% 47468They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius, 47469The man said "We got all that we can use", 47470So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin', 47471Working-at-the-car-wash blues. 47472 -- Jim Croce 47473% 47474They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me 47475back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out 47476of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid 47477for freedom. 47478 -- Stig's Inferno 47479% 47480They're giving bank robbing a bad name. 47481 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde 47482% 47483They're just jealous because they don't have three 47484wise men and a virgin in the whole organization. 47485 -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the 47486 ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed. 47487% 47488They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! 47489% 47490Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become 47491their property that they may more perfectly respect it. 47492 -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday" 47493% 47494Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. 47495 -- Dwight Eisenhower 47496% 47497Things are more like they used to be than they are new. 47498% 47499Things are not always what they seem. 47500 -- Phaedrus 47501% 47502Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. 47503% 47504Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. 47505% 47506Things past redress and now with me past care. 47507 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 47508% 47509Things will be bright in P.M. 47510A cop will shine a light in your face. 47511% 47512Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. 47513 -- Will Rogers 47514% 47515Things worth having are worth cheating for. 47516% 47517Think big. 47518Pollute the Mississippi. 47519% 47520Think honk if you're a telepath. 47521% 47522Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish. 47523 -- Darrell Royal 47524% 47525Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! 47526% 47527Think of your family tonight. 47528Try to crawl home after the computer crashes. 47529% 47530Think sideways! 47531 -- Ed De Bono 47532% 47533Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". 47534% 47535Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself. 47536 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" 47537% 47538Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time? 47539It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine 47540Have made my days and nights imperishable, 47541Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore, 47542Innumerable atoms; and one desert, 47543Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break, 47544But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks, 47545Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness. 47546% 47547Thirteen at a table is unlucky only 47548when the hostess has only twelve chops. 47549 -- Groucho Marx 47550% 47551Thirty white horses on a red hill, 47552First they champ, 47553Then they stamp, 47554Then they stand still. 47555 -- Tolkien 47556% 47557This ae nighte, this ae nighte, 47558Everye nighte and alle, 47559Fire and sleet and candlelyte, 47560And Christe receive thy saule. 47561 -- The Lykewake Dirge 47562% 47563This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can 47564speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled; 47565batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented, 47566deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts, 47567Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless, 47568spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef, 47569beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled, 47570pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish; 47571half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have 47572a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon, 47573individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be 47574limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective? 47575% 47576This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel. 47577(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?) 47578 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building 47579% 47580This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd. 47581% 47582This file will self-destruct in five minutes. 47583% 47584This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate 47585need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates 47586random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come 47587up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at 47588all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been. 47589% 47590This fortune intentionally not included. 47591% 47592This fortune intentionally says nothing. 47593% 47594This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose 47595invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible. 47596% 47597This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready! 47598% 47599This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. 47600% 47601This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. 47602% 47603This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard. 47604% 47605This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter. 47606% 47607This generation doesn't have emotional baggage. 47608We have emotional moving vans. 47609 -- Bruce Feirstein 47610% 47611This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your 47612bags! I just won the California lottery!" 47613 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" 47614 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out 47615of the house by dinner!" 47616% 47617This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, 47618regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... 47619% 47620This is a good time to punt work. 47621% 47622This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. 47623Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here. 47624% 47625This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my 47626Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage 47627and mushroom. Jim, come and get me! 47628% 47629This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, 47630and not enough hunchbacks. 47631% 47632This is for all ill-treated fellows 47633 Unborn and unbegot, 47634For them to read when they're in trouble 47635 And I am not. 47636 -- A.E. Housman 47637% 47638This is Jim Rockford. 47639At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you. 47640% 47641This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and 47642his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe. 47643Sorry, Jim, bring it on over. 47644% 47645This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine? 47646I don't talk to machines! [Click] 47647% 47648This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. 47649% 47650This is NOT a repeat. 47651% 47652This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The 47653spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men 47654who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly. 47655 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938 47656% 47657This is supposed to be a happy occasion. 47658Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who! 47659% 47660This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok, 47661meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars 47662and come alone. I'm serious! 47663% 47664This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, 47665which is a little ironic since we may not have one. 47666 -- Arthur Clarke 47667% 47668This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the 47669power of computers: 47670 47671Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the 47672thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum 47673level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that 47674one should eat each day: 47675 47676 1/2 chicken 47677 1 egg 47678 1 glass of skim milk 47679 27 heads of lettuce. 47680 -- Rev. Adrian Melott 47681% 47682This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. 47683 -- Winston Churchill 47684% 47685This is the theory that Jack built. 47686This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built. 47687This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in... 47688% 47689This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 47690And now you know why. 47691% 47692This is the way the world ends, 47693This is the way the world ends, 47694This is the way the world ends, 47695Not with a bang but with a whimper. 47696 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men" 47697% 47698This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. 47699 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper 47700% 47701This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's 47702constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's 47703been called by others the fiddle factor..." 47704 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture. 47705% 47706This land is my land, and only my land, 47707I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one, 47708If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off, 47709This land is private property. 47710 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie 47711% 47712This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an 47713actual life, you would have received further instructions as 47714to what to do and where to go. 47715% 47716This life is yours. Some of it was given 47717to you; the rest, you made yourself. 47718% 47719This login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88. 47720% 47721This login session: $13.99 47722% 47723This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings. 47724% 47725This night methinks is but the daylight sick. 47726 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 47727% 47728This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with 47729great force. 47730 -- Dorothy Parker 47731% 47732This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers 47733are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people 47734who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets 47735don't actually hurt. 47736 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a 47737Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his 47738hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're 47739man enough to take me on?" 47740 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the 47741Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two 47742tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of 47743a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the 47744Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers, 47745"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?" 47746 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men) 47747charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill. 47748After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine 47749crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man, 47750"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath, 47751replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!" 47752% 47753This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've 47754got to find a way off this planet. 47755% 47756This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of 47757the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many 47758solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were 47759largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 47760which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of 47761paper that were unhappy. 47762 -- Douglas Adams 47763% 47764This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does 47765something child-like. 47766 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington 47767% 47768This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real 47769persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some 47770assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during 47771shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If 47772condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. 47773Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct, 47774indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error 47775or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial 47776penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled 47777check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families 47778are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time 47779offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area. 47780Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does 47781not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call 47782toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product 47783appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do 47784not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be 47785paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many 47786suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction 47787strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror 47788are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes 47789all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied. 47790% 47791This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his 47792mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry 47793often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and 47794adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply. 47795 -- Lazarus Long 47796% 47797This screen intentionally left blank. 47798% 47799This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have. 47800% 47801This sentence no verb. 47802% 47803This system will self-destruct in five minutes. 47804% 47805This thing all things devours: 47806Birds, beasts, trees, flowers; 47807Gnaws iron, bites steel; 47808Grinds hard stones to meal; 47809Slays king, ruins town, 47810And beats high mountain down. 47811% 47812This unit... must... survive. 47813% 47814This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the 47815contents may have occurred during shipment. 47816% 47817This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard 47818dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft, 47819pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it. 47820 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination" 47821% 47822This was the most unkindest cut of all. 47823 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 47824% 47825This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. 47826This was terrible with raisins in it. 47827 -- Dorothy Parker 47828% 47829This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down! 47830% 47831This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. 47832% 47833This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he. 47834The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup 47835could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!" 47836 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car 47837wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged 47838pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow 47839and was lying about twenty feet away. 47840 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by 47841"Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!" 47842% 47843Those lovable Brits department: 47844 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'. 47845% 47846Those of you who think you know everything 47847are annoying those of us who do. 47848% 47849Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do. 47850% 47851Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) 47852are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse 47853at are called software. 47854 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological 47855 Literacy for the 1990's. 47856% 47857Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have 47858learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee. 47859 -- W.S. Krabill 47860% 47861Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of 47862Silly Putty. 47863 -- Dennis Rawlins 47864% 47865Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate. 47866% 47867Those who can, do; those who can't, write. 47868Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record. 47869% 47870Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. 47871 -- George Santayana 47872% 47873Those who can't write, write manuals. 47874% 47875Those who claim the dead never return 47876to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time. 47877% 47878Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. 47879% 47880Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. 47881 -- Henry Spencer 47882% 47883Those who do things in a noble spirit of 47884self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs. 47885 -- N. Alexander. 47886% 47887Those who educate children well are more to be honored than 47888parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well. 47889 -- Aristotle 47890% 47891Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty 47892Often have a share in their misfortunes. 47893 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle" 47894% 47895Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the 47896world is love. The poor know that it is money. 47897 -- Gerald Brenan 47898% 47899Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. 47900% 47901Those who make peaceful revolution impossible 47902will make violent revolution inevitable. 47903 -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy 47904% 47905Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are 47906men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean 47907without the roar of its many waters. 47908 -- Frederick Douglass 47909% 47910Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels 47911Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels. 47912While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise 47913PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze 47914Vulgar tongue. A rapsody sung. 47915 47916Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde 47917Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord 47918Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled 47919Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled 47920The highest rung. In his bung. 47921 47922Because in life they prayed so ill 47923And offered god such swinish swill 47924Now they sweat in flames of hell 47925Sweat from lack of APL 47926Sweat dung! 47927% 47928Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know. 47929% 47930Thou hast seen nothing yet. 47931 -- Miguel de Cervantes 47932% 47933Thou shalt not omit adultery. 47934% 47935Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to 47936be maintained. 47937 -- The Tao of Programming 47938% 47939Though I respect that a lot 47940I'd be fired if that were my job 47941After killing Jason off and 47942Countless screaming argonauts 47943 47944Bluebird of friendliness 47945Like guardian angels it's 47946Always near 47947 47948Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch 47949Who watches over you 47950Make a little birdhouse in your soul 47951Not to put too fine a point on it 47952Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet 47953Make a little birdhouse in your soul 47954 47955 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants 47956% 47957Thrashing is just virtual crashing. 47958% 47959Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are 47960the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with 47961Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- 47962whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation... 47963A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any 47964more about the matter than the others. 47965% 47966Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write. 47967 -- Trollope 47968% 47969Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. 47970 -- Benjamin Franklin 47971% 47972Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan, 47973all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence: 47974"Old MacDonald had a . . ." 47975 47976 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan. 47977 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said. 47978 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the 47979 service station," said the Missourian. 47980 "Wrong." 47981 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan. 47982 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'" 47983 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O." 47984% 47985Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought 47986is irksome and three minutes is a long time. 47987 -- A.E. Houseman 47988% 47989Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too 47990late or a little too early for anything you want to do. 47991 -- Jean-Paul Sartre 47992% 47993Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, 47994Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, 47995Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die, 47996One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne 47997In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. 47998One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, 47999One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them 48000In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. 48001 -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings" 48002% 48003Three rules for sounding like an expert: 48004 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness. 48005 2. Always point out second-order effects, 48006 but never point out when they can be ignored. 48007 3. Come up with three rules of your own. 48008% 48009Throw away documentation and manuals, 48010and users will be a hundred times happier. 48011Throw away privileges and quotas, 48012and users will do the Right Thing. 48013Throw away proprietary and site licenses, 48014and there won't be any pirating. 48015 48016If these three aren't enough, 48017just stay at your home directory 48018and let all processes take their course. 48019% 48020Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know 48021what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. 48022 -- Bertrand Russell 48023% 48024Thus spake the master programmer: 48025 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program 48026is its own hell." 48027 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48028% 48029Thus spake the master programmer: 48030 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless." 48031 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48032% 48033Thus spake the master programmer: 48034 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will 48035 be productive." 48036 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48037% 48038Thus spake the master programmer: 48039 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to 48040 be maintained." 48041 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48042% 48043Thus spake the master programmer: 48044 "Time for you to leave." 48045 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48046% 48047Thus spake the master programmer: 48048 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes." 48049 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48050% 48051Thus spake the master programmer: 48052 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from 48053 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave." 48054 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48055% 48056Thus spake the master programmer: 48057 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software, 48058 hardware is useless." 48059 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48060% 48061Thus spake the master programmer: 48062 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you 48063 can't make him computer literate." 48064 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48065% 48066Thyme's Law: 48067 Everything goes wrong at once. 48068% 48069Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day 48070Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way 48071Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown 48072Waiting for someone or something to show you the way 48073 48074Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find 48075Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you 48076You are young and life is long No one told you when to run 48077And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun 48078 48079And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking 48080And racing around to come up behind you again 48081The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older 48082Shorter of breath and one day closer to death 48083 48084Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation 48085 is the English way 48086Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over 48087Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say... 48088Or half a page of scribbled lines 48089 -- Pink Floyd, "Time" 48090% 48091Tiddely Quiddely 48092Edward M. Kennedy 48093Quite unaccountably 48094Drove in a stream. 48095 48096Pleas of amnesia 48097Incomprehensible 48098Possibly shattered 48099Political dream. 48100% 48101Tiger got to hunt, 48102Bird got to fly; 48103Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?" 48104 48105Tiger got to sleep, 48106Bird got to land; 48107Man got to tell himself he understand. 48108 -- The Books of Bokonon 48109% 48110Time and tide wait for no man. 48111% 48112Time as he grows old teaches all things. 48113 -- Aeschylus 48114% 48115Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 48116% 48117Time goes, you say? 48118Ah no! 48119Time stays, *we* go. 48120 -- Austin Dobson 48121% 48122Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. 48123 -- Hector Berlioz 48124% 48125Time is an illusion; lunch-time doubly so. 48126 -- Ford Prefect 48127% 48128Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. 48129 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 48130% 48131Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. 48132% 48133Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. 48134 -- Henry David Thoreau 48135% 48136Time is nature's way of making sure that 48137everything doesn't happen at once. 48138 48139Space is nature's way of making sure that 48140everything doesn't happen to you. 48141% 48142Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend. 48143 -- Theophrastus 48144% 48145Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer. 48146% 48147Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing. 48148% 48149Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo. 48150% 48151Time to take stock. 48152Go home with some office supplies. 48153% 48154Time washes clean 48155Love's wounds unseen. 48156That's what someone told me; 48157But I don't know what it means. 48158 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time" 48159% 48160Time will end all my troubles, 48161but I don't always approve of Time's methods. 48162% 48163Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business. 48164 -- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed) 48165% 48166timesharing, n: 48167 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people. 48168% 48169Timing must be perfect now. 48170Two-timing must be better than perfect. 48171% 48172Tip of the Day: 48173 Never fry bacon in the nude. 48174% 48175Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control. 48176 -- J. LeBoutillier 48177% 48178Tip the world over on its side and 48179everything loose will land in Los Angeles. 48180 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 48181% 48182TIPS FOR PERFORMERS: 48183 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters. 48184 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe. 48185 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than 48186 they would ordinarily. 48187 There is no music in space. 48188 People will pay to watch people make sounds. 48189 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life. 48190% 48191TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of 48192force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product", 48193the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available 48194to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants 48195recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr. 48196Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview... 48197 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has 48198 never been easier." 48199Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use 48200it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector 48201components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the 48202work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's. Divide Dot-Product by the 48203magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how 48204much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!! 48205But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous 48206Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get 48207Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!! 48208Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again... 482091-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not 48210available through stores and is void where prohibited by law. 48211% 48212Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die. 48213% 48214'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents. 48215 -- H.L. Mencken 48216% 48217To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he 48218is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and 48219stopping at red lights are both optional. 48220 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 48221% 48222To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go 48223above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan 48224to spend a few days there. 48225 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 48226% 48227To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons 48228in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other. 48229 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 48230% 48231To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are, 48232in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The 48233only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the 48234Swedes speak better English." 48235 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 48236% 48237To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than 48238a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred 48239thousand. 48240 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 48241% 48242To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. 48243To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither 48244oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete. 48245 -- Epictetus 48246% 48247To add insult to injury. 48248 -- Phaedrus 48249% 48250To any truly impartial person, it would 48251be obvious that I am always right. 48252% 48253To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. 48254 -- Elbert Hubbard 48255% 48256To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift. 48257 -- Shelley 48258% 48259To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who 48260should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing. 48261 -- Thackeray 48262% 48263To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job 48264than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult. 48265% 48266To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North 48267Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it. 48268 -- Confucius 48269% 48270To be great is to be misunderstood. 48271 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 48272% 48273To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in 48274Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's 48275fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste. 48276It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country 48277in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar 48278weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can 48279be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is 48280a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States 48281and not be happy. 48282 -- H.L. Mencken, "On Being An American" 48283% 48284To be is to be related. 48285 -- C.J. Keyser. 48286% 48287To be is to do. 48288 -- I. Kant 48289To do is to be. 48290 -- A. Sartre 48291Do be a Do Bee! 48292 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room 48293Do be do be do! 48294 -- F. Sinatra 48295Yabba-Dabba-Doo! 48296 -- F. Flintstone 48297% 48298To be loved is very demoralizing. 48299 -- Katharine Hepburn 48300% 48301to be nobody but yourself in a world 48302which is doing its best night and day 48303to make you like everybody else 48304means to fight the hardest battle 48305any human being can fight and 48306never stop fighting. 48307 -- e.e. cummings 48308% 48309To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to, 48310night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest 48311battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. 48312 -- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany" 48313% 48314To be or not to be. 48315 -- Shakespeare 48316To do is to be. 48317 -- Nietzsche 48318To be is to do. 48319 -- Sartre 48320Do be do be do. 48321 -- Sinatra 48322% 48323To be or not to be, that is the bottom line. 48324% 48325To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects 48326but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own. 48327 -- Lionel Strachey 48328% 48329To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man. 48330 -- Golda Meir 48331% 48332To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times 48333as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult. 48334% 48335To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first 48336and, whatever you hit, call it the target. 48337% 48338To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. 48339% 48340To be who one is, is not to be someone else. 48341% 48342To be wise, the only thing you really need 48343to know is when to say "I don't know." 48344% 48345To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for 48346you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius. 48347 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 48348% 48349To code the impossible code, This is my quest -- 48350To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code, 48351To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless, 48352To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load, 48353 To write those routines 48354To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause, 48355To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV 48356To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause. 48357To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true 48358 To this glorious quest, 48359And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm, 48360That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test. 48361 destined to lose, 48362Still strove with his last allocation 48363To scrap the unscrappable kludge! 48364 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha 48365% 48366To communicate is the beginning of understanding. 48367 -- AT&T 48368% 48369To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances 48370may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence. 48371 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661 48372% 48373To craunch a marmoset. 48374 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke" 48375% 48376To criticize the incompetent is easy; 48377it is more difficult to criticize the competent. 48378% 48379To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life. 48380 -- Senator Edmund Muskie 48381% 48382To do nothing is to be nothing. 48383% 48384To do two things at once is to do neither. 48385 -- Publilius Syrus 48386% 48387To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally 48388convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection. 48389 -- H. Poincare 48390% 48391To err is human -- but it feels divine. 48392 -- Mae West 48393% 48394To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so. 48395% 48396To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up. 48397% 48398To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. 48399% 48400To err is human, but when the eraser wears out 48401before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little. 48402% 48403To err is human; to admit it, a blunder. 48404% 48405To err is human, to forgive, infrequent. 48406% 48407To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. 48408% 48409To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. 48410% 48411To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy. 48412 -- MIT Assasination Club 48413% 48414To err is human, to forgive unusual. 48415% 48416To err is human, to purr feline. 48417To err is human, two curs canine. 48418To err is human, to moo bovine. 48419% 48420To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish. 48421 -- Benjamin Franklin 48422% 48423To err is human. 48424To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human. 48425% 48426To err is human, 48427To purr feline. 48428 -- Robert Byrne 48429% 48430To err is humor. 48431% 48432To everything there is a season, a time for every pupose under heaven: 48433A time to be born, and a time to die; 48434A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; 48435A time to kill, and a time to heal; 48436A time to break down, and a time to build up; 48437A time to weep, and a time to laugh; 48438A time to mourn, and a time to dance; 48439A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones; 48440A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 48441A time to gain, and a time to lose; 48442A time to keep, and a time to throw away; 48443A time to tear, and a time to sew; 48444A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 48445A time to love, and a time to hate; 48446A time of war, and a time of peace. 48447 Ecclesiastes 3:1-9 48448% 48449To fear love is to fear life, and those 48450who fear life are already three parts dead. 48451 -- Bertrand Russell 48452% 48453To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two. 48454 -- Norman Douglas 48455% 48456To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends. 48457 -- Benjamin Franklin 48458% 48459To get back on your feet, miss two car payments. 48460% 48461To get something clean, one has to get something dirty. 48462To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean. 48463% 48464To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three 48465persons, two of them absent. 48466% 48467To give happiness is to deserve happiness. 48468% 48469To give of yourself, you must first know yourself. 48470% 48471To have died once is enough. 48472 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 48473% 48474To hell with the Prime Directive; 48475Let's KILL something! 48476% 48477To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. 48478 -- Thomas Edison 48479% 48480To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. 48481 -- Robert Heller 48482% 48483To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war. 48484 -- W. Churchill, on Korean War negotiations 48485% 48486To keep your friends treat them kindly; 48487to kill them, treat them often. 48488% 48489To know Edina is to reject it. 48490 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election" 48491% 48492To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. 48493% 48494To lead people, you must follow behind. 48495 -- Lao Tsu 48496% 48497To listen to some devout people, 48498one would imagine that God never laughs. 48499 -- Sri Aurobindo 48500% 48501To love is good, love being difficult. 48502% 48503To make an enemy, do someone a favor. 48504% 48505To make tax forms true they should 48506read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You". 48507% 48508To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation. 48509 -- St. Augustine 48510% 48511TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered 48512where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the 48513circus and a clown killed my dad. 48514 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 48515% 48516To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura 48517bitters. Shake. 48518 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail. 48519% 48520To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet. 48521 -- 19th century toast 48522% 48523To refuse praise is to seek praise twice. 48524% 48525To restore a sense of reality, I think 48526Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland. 48527 -- Jack Paar 48528% 48529To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda. 48530% 48531To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role, 48532but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor 48533micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious. 48534 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp 48535% 48536To say you got a vote of confidence 48537would be to say you needed a vote of confidence. 48538 -- Andrew Young 48539% 48540To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse. 48541% 48542To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block, 48543and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was 48544agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy. 48545There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen; 48546it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of 48547tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of 48548mind over matter; quite. 48549 -- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit" 48550% 48551To see you is to sympathize. 48552% 48553To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts 48554the job will take the longest and cost the most. 48555% 48556To stand and be still, 48557At the Birkenhead drill, 48558Is a damned tough bullet to chew. 48559 -- Rudyard Kipling 48560% 48561To stay young requires unceasing cultivation 48562of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods. 48563 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 48564% 48565To stay youthful, stay useful. 48566% 48567To teach is to learn. 48568% 48569To teach is to learn twice. 48570 -- Joseph Joubert 48571% 48572To the landlord belongs the doorknobs. 48573% 48574To Theodore Roosevelt: 48575 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest. 48576The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but 48577you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion, 48578must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours. 48579 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli 48580 Lord of the Riff 48581 Sultan to the Berbers 48582 Last of the Barbary Pirates 48583% 48584To thine own self be true. 48585(If not that, at least make some money.) 48586% 48587To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is 48588madness. 48589 -- Eugene Ionesco 48590% 48591To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional 48592system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, 48593inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: 48594precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, 48595uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, 48596well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures 48597of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very 48598secure ecological niche. 48599 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" 48600% 48601TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: 48602 48603 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care 48604what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you 48605may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. 48606 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required 48607to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the 48608destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted 48609or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your 48610receving said benefit. 48611 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between 48612yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receving 48613as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may 48614in some way be influenced by this ceremony. 48615 Amen. 48616 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness" 48617% 48618To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. 48619% 48620To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what 48621he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do. 48622% 48623To use violence is to already be defeated. 48624 -- Chinese proverb 48625% 48626To whom the mornings are like nights, 48627What must the midnights be! 48628 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?) 48629% 48630To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly 48631strip down your words to naked, willing flesh. 48632Then bind them to a metaphor or three, 48633and take by force a satisfying mesh. 48634Arrange them to your will, each foot in place. 48635You are the master here, and they the slaves. 48636Now whip them to maintain a constant pace 48637and rhythm as they stand in even staves. 48638A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out! 48639What use are words that drive not to the heart? 48640A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt, 48641and choose more docile words to take its part. 48642A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain, 48643by making love directly to the brain. 48644% 48645To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition. 48646 -- Woody Allen 48647% 48648Tobacco is a filthy weed, 48649That from the devil does proceed; 48650It drains your purse, it burns your clothes, 48651And makes a chimney of your nose. 48652 -- B. Waterhouse 48653% 48654TODAY: 48655 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long. 48656% 48657Today is a good day for information-gathering. 48658Read someone else's mail file. 48659% 48660Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. 48661% 48662Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. 48663% 48664Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. 48665% 48666Today is the first day of the rest of your life. 48667% 48668Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. 48669% 48670Today is the last day of your life so far. 48671% 48672Today is what happened to yesterday. 48673% 48674Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a 48675cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a 48676boarder. 48677% 48678Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures. 48679% 48680Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new 48681cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more 48682spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog! 48683 -- Bob & Ray 48684% 48685Todays weirdness is tomorrows reason why. 48686 -- H.S. Thompson 48687% 48688Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy. 48689% 48690toilet toupee, n: 48691 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus 48692 creating endless annoyance to male users. 48693 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 48694% 48695Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name. 48696 -- Gore Vidal 48697% 48698Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past 48699but fortunately, it can still be changed today. 48700% 48701Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest. 48702% 48703Tomorrow, you can be anywhere. 48704% 48705Tomorrow's computers some time next month. 48706 -- DEC 48707% 48708Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch. 48709% 48710Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; 48711Don't forget to leave a tip. 48712% 48713Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 48714% 48715Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life: 48716 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault. 48717% 48718Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy 48719driving cabs and cutting hair. 48720 -- George Burns 48721% 48722TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin 48723real fast and freak everybody out. 48724 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 48725% 48726Too clever is dumb. 48727 -- Ogden Nash 48728% 48729Too cool to calypso, 48730Too tough to tango, 48731Too weird to watusi 48732 -- The Only Ones 48733% 48734Too Late 48735 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by 48736the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in 48737the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after 48738the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby. 48739 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861 48740% 48741Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. 48742They seem more afraid of life than death. 48743 -- James F. Byrnes 48744% 48745Too much is just enough. 48746 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey 48747% 48748Too much is not enough. 48749% 48750Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. 48751 -- Mae West 48752% 48753Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for 48754anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations 48755in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software." 48756 -- Instrument News 48757 [Once is too often. Ed.] 48758% 48759Too ripped. Gotta go. 48760% 48761Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch. 48762% 48763Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings: 48764 4876510: Sorry, but that's too useful. 48766 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent! 48767 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell 48768 #pragma is for. 48769 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too 48770 hard to write. 48771 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar. 48772 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here? 48773 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!" 48774 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker. 48775 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth. 48776 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'. 48777% 48778Topologists are just plane folks. 48779 Pilots are just plane folks. 48780 Carpenters are just plane folks. 48781 Midwest farmers are just plain folks. 48782 Musicians are just playin' folks. 48783 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks. 48784Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks. 48785% 48786Torque is cheap. 48787% 48788Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most. 48789% 48790TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day): 48791 I'm the person your mother warned you about. 48792% 48793Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. 48794 -- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz" 48795% 48796Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you 48797get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking." 48798 -- David Letterman 48799% 48800Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme 48801personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer. 48802 -- A. Gide 48803% 48804Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. 48805 -- David Letterman 48806% 48807TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED 48808% 48809TRANSFER: 48810 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town. 48811% 48812TRANSPARENT: 48813 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. 48814 "It's there, but you can't see it" 48815 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964. 48816 48817VIRTUAL: 48818 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object. 48819 "I can see it, but it's not there." 48820 -- Lady Macbeth. 48821% 48822TRANSVESTITE: 48823 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad. 48824% 48825Trap full -- please empty. 48826% 48827TRAVEL: 48828 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere. 48829% 48830Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. 48831% 48832Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy. 48833 -- Han Solo 48834% 48835Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. 48836"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. 48837 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has 48838to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or 48839by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms 48840for a short spell?" 48841% 48842Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy. 48843 -- Publilius Syrus 48844% 48845Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last. 48846 -- Charles DeGaulle 48847% 48848Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle. 48849 -- Michelangelo 48850% 48851Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level. 48852% 48853Trouble always comes at the wrong time. 48854% 48855Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the 48856next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of 48857a brand new series of three. 48858% 48859Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are 48860beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees. 48861% 48862Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing. 48863% 48864True happiness will be found only in true love. 48865% 48866True leadership is the art of changing 48867a group from what it is to what it ought to be. 48868 -- Virginia Allan 48869% 48870True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of 48871personal futility, and of the beauty of the world. 48872 -- David Mamet 48873% 48874Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. 48875 -- Henrik Tikkanen 48876% 48877Truly simple systems... require infinite testing. 48878 -- Norman Augustine 48879% 48880Trust everybody, but cut the cards. 48881 -- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy" 48882% 48883Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. 48884 -- Arabian proverb 48885% 48886TRUST ME: 48887 Get me, give me, buy me, do me. 48888% 48889TRUST ME: 48890 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor." 48891% 48892Trust your husband, adore your husband, 48893and get as much as you can in your own name. 48894 -- Joan Rivers 48895% 48896Truth can wait; he's used to it. 48897% 48898Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always. 48899 -- Albert Schweitzer 48900% 48901Truth is free, but information costs. 48902% 48903Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure. 48904% 48905"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense." 48906% 48907Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. 48908 -- Mark Twain 48909% 48910Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy 48911of him that brought her birth. 48912 -- Milton 48913% 48914Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) 48915% 48916TRUTHFUL: 48917 Dumb and illiterate. 48918% 48919try again 48920% 48921Try not to have a good time ... 48922This is supposed to be educational. 48923 -- Charles Schulz 48924% 48925Try not. 48926Do. 48927Or do not. 48928There is no try. 48929% 48930Try `stty 0' -- it works much better. 48931% 48932Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. 48933% 48934Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. 48935% 48936Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. 48937% 48938Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is 48939it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four 48940tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for 48941novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past, 48942the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future. 48943 -- Amrom Katz 48944% 48945Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. 48946% 48947Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances. 48948% 48949Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. 48950 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 48951% 48952Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. 48953% 48954Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only 48955specification is that it should run noiselessly. 48956% 48957Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for 48958which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly. 48959% 48960Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. 48961 -- Alan Watts 48962% 48963Trying to get an education here is like 48964trying to take a drink from a fire hose. 48965% 48966T-shirt: 48967 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum! 48968% 48969Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week. 48970% 48971Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life. 48972% 48973Turn on, tune in, and take over. 48974 -- Tim Leary 48975% 48976Turn the other cheek. 48977 -- Jesus Christ 48978% 48979Turnaucka's Law: 48980 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its 48981 electrical cord. 48982% 48983Tussman's Law: 48984 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. 48985% 48986TV is chewing gum for the eyes. 48987 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 48988% 48989'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, 48990and I never even had the decency to thank her. 48991 -- R.B. Gossling 48992% 48993"Twas bergen and the eirie road 48994Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son! 48995All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails 48996And the red bank bayonne. that claw! 48997 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun 48998He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw." 48999Long time the folsom foe he sought 49000Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood, 49001And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame, 49002 Came whippany through the englewood, 49003One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came. 49004 and through 49005The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong? 49006He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy! 49007He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!" 49008 He caldwell in his joy. 49009Did mahwah into patterson: 49010All jersey were the ocean groves, 49011And the red bank bayonne. 49012 -- Paul Kieffer 49013% 49014'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves And as in uffish thought he stood 49015Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame 49016All mimsy were the borogroves Came whuffling through the tulgey wood 49017And the mome raths outgrabe. And burbled as it came! 49018 49019"Beware the Jabberwock, my son! One! Two! One! Two! 49020The jaws that bite, and through and through 49021 the claws that catch! The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. 49022Beware the Jubjub bird, He left it dead, and took its head, 49023And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" And went galumphing back. 49024 49025He took his vorpal sword in hand "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock? 49026Long time the manxome foe he sought. Come to my arms, my beamish boy! 49027So rested he by the tumtum tree Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!" 49028And stood awhile in thought. He chortled in his joy. 49029 49030 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 49031 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. 49032 All mimsy were the borogroves 49033 -- Lewis Carroll 49034% 49035'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 49036Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! 49037All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws 49038And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch! 49039 Beware the Jubjub bird, 49040He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" 49041Long time the manxome foe he sought. 49042So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood 49043And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame 49044 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood 49045One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came! 49046 through 49047The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock? 49048He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy! 49049And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!" 49050 He chortled in his joy. 49051'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 49052Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. 49053All mimsy were the borogroves 49054And the mome raths outgrabe. 49055 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky" 49056% 49057'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers 49058Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son! 49059All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth 49060By market's wrath unphased. that falls! 49061 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun 49062He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!" 49063Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought - 49064Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood 49065And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed, 49066 Came waffling with the truth too good, 49067Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed! 49068 and through 49069The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock? 49070It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy! 49071He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!" 49072 He bought him a Mercedes Toy. 49073'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers 49074Did gyre and tumble in the Crash 49075All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers 49076And mammon's wrath them bash! 49077 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky" 49078% 49079'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks 49080Did gyre and gimble in their cave 49081All mimsy was the CS-VAX 49082And Cory raths outgrave. 49083 49084"Beware the software rot, my son! 49085The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! 49086Beware the broken pipe, and shun 49087The frumious system crash!" 49088% 49089'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans, 49090Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot, 49091So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way 49092To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot. 49093 49094The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door 49095Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by, 49096Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air, 49097On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye. 49098 49099She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale 49100Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see, 49101As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey 49102And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea. 49103 -- Midnight On The Ocean 49104% 49105'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one -- 49106When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun. 49107Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh, 49108A satellite spotted him making his way. 49109The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire 49110Was ready for action, and started to fire! 49111The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky 49112Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July. 49113I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys 49114When out of my chimney there came a great noise. 49115I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see 49116St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me. 49117But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking: 49118A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking! 49119Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell; 49120Outside burning toys like confetti they fell. 49121So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone: 49122The Star Wars computer had got something wrong. 49123Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart; 49124'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start. 49125It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell, 49126If the crazy contraption would work very well. 49127So after a trillion or two had been spent 49128The system thought Santa a Red missle sent. 49129So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed, 49130There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead. 49131% 49132Twenty two thousand days. 49133Twenty two thousand days. 49134It's not a lot. 49135It's all you've got. 49136Twenty two thousand days. 49137 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days" 49138% 49139Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers 49140in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and 49141was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy 49142fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities. 49143 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, 49144"Light, bearing on the starboard bow." 49145 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out. 49146 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous 49147collision course with that ship. 49148 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on 49149a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees." 49150 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees." 49151 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20 49152degrees!" 49153 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change 49154course 20 degrees." 49155 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a 49156battleship, change course 20 degrees." 49157 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!" 49158 We changed course. 49159 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings" 49160% 49161Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. 49162 -- Howard Kandel 49163% 49164Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage. 49165% 49166Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The 49167penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn, 49168"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The 49169owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks 49170up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating 49171away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to 49172the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to 49173the movies!" 49174% 49175Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his 49176barstool and lay motionless on the floor. 49177 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure 49178knows when to stop." 49179% 49180Two heads are better than one. 49181 -- John Heywood 49182% 49183Two heads are more numerous than one. 49184% 49185Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was 49186performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by 49187British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General 49188Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in 49189her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided 49190a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon 49191entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention, 49192and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their 49193search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the 49194incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event 49195became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers. 49196% 49197Two is company, three is an orgy. 49198% 49199Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two. 49200% 49201Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a 49202canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can 49203call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the 49204end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!" 49205 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where 49206are we?" (They hear the echo several times). 49207 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! 49208You're lost!" 49209 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician." 49210 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?" 49211 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second, 49212he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless." 49213% 49214Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said, 49215"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said, 49216"He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour 49217trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising 49218his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine 49219the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself 49220and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man 49221did it and must pay three silver pieces." 49222% 49223Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars. 49224% 49225Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things, 49226with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that 49227toast always falls on the buttered side," said one. 49228 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look 49229at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the 49230dry side. 49231 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?" 49232 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side." 49233% 49234Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted. 49235% 49236Two percent of zero is almost nothing. 49237% 49238Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane. 49239% 49240Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By 49241the way, did you hear that Romanov died?" 49242 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!" 49243% 49244Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory. 49245I forget the second. 49246% 49247Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one 49248orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more 49249and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When 49250they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other, 49251toasts him, "Skoal!" 49252 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come 49253here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?" 49254% 49255Two wrongs are only the beginning. 49256 -- Kohn 49257% 49258Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. 49259 -- Thomas Szasz 49260% 49261Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain? 49262In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain? 49263What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp 49264Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp? 49265 49266Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears 49267The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears 49268On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see? 49269What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee? 49270 49271And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright 49272Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night, 49273And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye 49274What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? 49275 49276Could fetch it from the furnace deep 49277And in thy horrid ribs dare steep 49278In the well of sanguine woe? 49279In what clay & in what mould 49280Were thy eyes of fury roll'd? 49281 -- William Blake, "The Tyger" 49282% 49283Type louder, please. 49284% 49285U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! 49286 Run right up and rub its horn. 49287 Look at all those points you're losing! 49288 UMBER HULKS are so confusing. 49289 -- The Roguelet's ABC 49290% 49291Udall's Fourth Law: 49292 Any change or reform you make 49293 is going to have consequences you don't like. 49294% 49295UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. 49296% 49297Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then, 49298straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate: 49299Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity. 49300 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas" 49301% 49302Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer. 49303Sorry for the confusion. 49304 -- Sun Microsystems 49305% 49306Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the 49307woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some 49308leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts 49309coughing and drops dead. 49310 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 49311% 49312Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor? 49313It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right? 49314% 49315Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: 49316 Never use your thumb for a rule. 49317 You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. 49318% 49319Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some 49320ordinance under which you can be booked. 49321 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp. 49322% 49323Under capitalism, man exploits man. 49324Under communism, it's just the opposite. 49325 -- J.K. Galbraith 49326% 49327Under deadline pressure for the next week. 49328If you want something, it can wait. 49329Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic... 49330% 49331Under every stone lurks a politician. 49332 -- Aristophanes 49333% 49334Under the wide an starry sky, 49335Dig my grave and let me lie, 49336Glad did I live and gladly die, 49337And laid me down with a will, 49338And this be the verse that you grave for me, 49339Here he lies where he longed to be, 49340Home is the sailor home from the sea, 49341And the hunter home from the hill. 49342 -- R. Kipling 49343% 49344Under the wide and heavy VAX 49345Dig my grave and let me relax 49346Long have I lived, and many my hacks 49347And I lay me down with a will. 49348These be the words that tell the way: 49349"Here he lies who piped 64K, 49350Brought down the machine for nearly a day, 49351And Rogue playing to an awful standstill." 49352% 49353Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: 49354 Superiority is recessive. 49355% 49356understand, v: 49357 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which 49358 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the 49359 basis of your own internal model instead. 49360% 49361Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem 49362in relation to a bigger problem. 49363 -- P.D. Ouspensky 49364% 49365Unfair animal names: 49366 49367-- tsetse fly -- bullhead 49368-- booby -- duck-billed platypus 49369-- sapsucker -- Clarence 49370 -- Gary Larson 49371% 49372UNFAIR COMPETITION: 49373 Selling cheaper than we do. 49374% 49375Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many 49376friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to 49377throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him, 49378slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound. 49379 -- Jon Bentley 49380% 49381Unhappy the land that needs heroes. 49382 -- Bertolt Brecht 49383% 49384UNION: 49385 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management. 49386% 49387United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas 49388season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military 49389forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of 49390every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time 49391low over the world. 49392 -- Isaac Asimov 49393% 49394UNIVERSE: 49395 The problem. 49396% 49397universe, n: 49398 The problem. 49399% 49400Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little 49401in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates. 49402% 49403UNIVERSITY: 49404 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's 49405 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell 49406 you how to fix it, and... 49407 49408 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying 49409 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.] 49410% 49411University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. 49412 -- Henry Kissinger 49413% 49414UNIX enhancements aren't. 49415% 49416Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple 49417of more feet, just to be sure. 49418 -- Eric Allman 49419 49420... We make rope. 49421 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory. 49422% 49423Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix 49424hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- 49425but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. 49426People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the 49427world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers. 49428 -- E. Post 49429 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83 49430% 49431Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories. 49432 -- Donn Seeley 49433% 49434UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver 49435lightning with a laserbeam kicker. 49436 -- Michael Jay Tucker 49437% 49438UNIX is many things to many people, 49439but it's never been everything to anybody. 49440% 49441Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others. 49442 -- Berry Kercheval 49443% 49444Unix, n: 49445 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and 49446 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off 49447 with the workstation harem. 49448% 49449unix soit qui mal y pense 49450% 49451UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that 49452would also stop you from doing clever things. 49453 -- Doug Gwyn 49454% 49455Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1... 49456% 49457Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime 49458between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white 49459and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40. 49460 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987 49461% 49462Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues 49463of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself 49464a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst 49465be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth 49466time waste me. 49467 -- William Shakespeare 49468% 49469Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense. 49470 -- E.E. Cummings 49471% 49472Unnamed Law: 49473 If it happens, it must be possible. 49474% 49475Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, 49476unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. 49477 -- Edward Gibbon 49478% 49479Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now 49480pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. 49481 -- H.L. Mencken 49482% 49483Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world. 49484 -- Richard Amour 49485% 49486UNTOLD WEALTH: 49487 What you left out on April 15th. 49488% 49489Up against the net, redneck mother, 49490Mother who has raised your son so well; 49491He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh, 49492Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell... 49493% 49494Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid 49495or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth 49496noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon. 49497 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 49498% 49499Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ... 49500% 49501Use a pun, go to jail. 49502% 49503Use an accordion. Go to jail. 49504 -- KFOG, San Francisco 49505% 49506Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent 49507if no birds sang there except those that sang best. 49508 -- Henry Van Dyke 49509% 49510USENET would be a better laboratory is there were 49511more labor and less oratory. 49512 -- Elizabeth Haley 49513% 49514USER: 49515 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. 49516% 49517User hostile. 49518% 49519user, n: 49520 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." 49521 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" 49522 49523[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used 49524 when they meant "idiot." Ed.] 49525% 49526Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. 49527 -- S.C. Johnson 49528% 49529Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef. 49530 -- Tom Robbins 49531% 49532/usr/news/gotcha 49533% 49534Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war. 49535 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener" 49536% 49537VACATION: 49538 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that 49539 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday 49540 life-style to recuperate. 49541% 49542Van Roy's Law: 49543 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 49544% 49545Van Roy's Law: 49546 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition. 49547 49548Van Roy's Truism: 49549 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control. 49550% 49551Variables don't; constants aren't. 49552% 49553Vax Vobiscum 49554% 49555Vegetables are what food eats. 49556Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good. 49557Fish are fast moving vegetables. 49558Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them. 49559 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams 49560% 49561Vegeterians beware! You are what you eat. 49562% 49563Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 49564 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 49565 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. 49566% 49567Veni, Vidi, VISA: 49568 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. 49569% 49570Verba volant, scripta manent! 49571% 49572Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic. 49573 -- E.F. Benson 49574% 49575Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The 49576reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of 49577thirty-five. 49578 -- Joel Hildebrand 49579% 49580Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. 49581% 49582Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an 49583infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one 49584could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow 49585somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew 49586ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is 49587quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can 49588lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its 49589outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable 49590little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole 49591for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the 49592screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom, 49593is presumably working on it. 49594% 49595Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen 49596at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects. 49597 -- Herodotus 49598% 49599Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars. 49600% 49601VI: 49602 A hungry dog hunts best. 49603 A hungrier dog hunts even better. 49604VII: 49605 Decreased business base increases overhead. 49606 So does increased business base. 49607VIII: 49608 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator 49609 is fifth grade arithmetic. 49610IX: 49611 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent 49612 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D. 49613X: 49614 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do. 49615 People do not win people fights; lawyers do. 49616 -- Norman Augustine 49617% 49618Victory uber allies! 49619% 49620Viking, n: 49621 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers, 49622 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import 49623 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes. 49624 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning 49625 in the 9th century. 49626 49627Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used 49628only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront 49629property. 49630% 49631Vini, vidi, vici. 49632[I came, I saw, I conquered]. 49633 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 49634% 49635"Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked 49636violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method 49637ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the 49638issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges? 49639% 49640Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade. 49641% 49642Violence is molding. 49643% 49644Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. 49645 -- Salvador Hardin 49646% 49647Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then 49648there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a 49649frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we 49650weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as 49651impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but 49652shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed. 49653 -- Tom Robbins 49654% 49655VIRGINIA: 49656 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind 49657 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer. 49658% 49659VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 49660 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is 49661sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes 49662fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. 49663% 49664VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22) 49665 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count 49666 to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this 49667 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you 49668 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of 49669 that old underwear you own. 49670% 49671Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- 49672only the willingness to make it when necessary. 49673 -- Frederick Dunn 49674% 49675Virtue is its own punishment. 49676 -- Denniston 49677 49678Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment. 49679 -- Aneurin Bevan 49680% 49681Virtue is not left to stand alone. 49682He who practices it will have neighbors. 49683 -- Confucius 49684% 49685Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company. 49686 -- La Rochefoucauld 49687% 49688Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota. 49689% 49690Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells. 49691% 49692Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure. 49693 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres" 49694% 49695VMS, n: 49696 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game. 49697% 49698VMS version 2.0 ==> 49699% 49700Voicless it cries, 49701Wingless flutters, 49702Toothless bites, 49703Mouthless mutters. 49704% 49705VOLCANO: 49706 A mountain with hiccups. 49707% 49708Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim 49709And earthquakes only terrify the dolts, 49710And to him who's scientific 49711There is nothing that's terrific 49712In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts! 49713 -- W.S. Gilbert, "The Mikado" 49714% 49715Volley Theory: 49716 It is better to have lobbed and lost 49717 than never to have lobbed at all. 49718% 49719Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann 49720supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on 49721the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked 49722how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful 49723information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von 49724Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.". 49725% 49726Vote anarchist. 49727% 49728Vote early and vote often. 49729 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform 49730 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won. 49731% 49732VUJA DE: 49733 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before. 49734% 49735Wad some power the giftie gie us 49736To see oursels as others see us. 49737 -- R. Browning 49738% 49739Wagner's music is better than it sounds. 49740 -- Mark Twain 49741% 49742Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time. 49743 -- Pericles 49744% 49745Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 497461st customer: "I'll have tea." 497472nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" 49748 (Waiter exits, returns) 49749Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" 49750% 49751Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call, 49752Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all. 49753Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin, 49754Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again. 49755 49756Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall. 49757Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all. 49758Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled. 49759Make our country well again, respected by the world. 49760 49761Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun. 49762Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done. 49763Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free, 49764Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me. 49765 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder 49766% 49767Wake up and smell the coffee. 49768 -- Ann Landers 49769% 49770Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered 49771a capital crime. For a first offense, that is. 49772% 49773Walk softly and carry a big stick. 49774 -- Theodore Roosevelt 49775% 49776Walking on water wasn't built in a day. 49777 -- Jack Kerouac 49778% 49779Walt: Dad, what's gradual school? 49780Garp: Gradual school? 49781Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching 49782 gradual school. 49783Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually 49784 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore. 49785 -- The World According To Garp 49786% 49787Walters' Rule: 49788 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from 49789 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation 49790 on a plane that left Gate 1. 49791% 49792Wanna buy a duck? 49793% 49794Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed, 49795A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. 49796But then one day he was shootin' at some food, 49797When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is; 49798 black gold; 'Texas tea' ... 49799 49800Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire. 49801The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!' 49802They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be', 49803So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is; 49804 swimmin' pools; movie stars. 49805% 49806War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left. 49807% 49808War hath no fury like a non-combatant. 49809 -- Charles Edward Montague 49810% 49811War is an equal opportunity destroyer. 49812% 49813War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it. 49814 -- Desiderius Erasmus 49815% 49816War is like love, it always finds a way. 49817 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage" 49818% 49819War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military. 49820 -- Clemenceau 49821% 49822War spares not the brave, but the cowardly. 49823 -- Anacreon 49824% 49825WARNING: 49826 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your 49827 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth 49828 of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome 49829 of your favorite war. 49830% 49831WARNING! 49832 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need! 49833A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the 49834user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program 49835to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional 49836to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only 49837aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the 49838entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause 49839it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice 49840things to the terminal. 49841% 49842Warning: Trespassers will be shot. 49843Survivors will be shot again. 49844% 49845WARNING!!! 49846This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need. 49847 49848A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the 49849operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the 49850machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional 49851to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence 49852only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine 49853may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool 49854and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. 49855 49856See also: flog(1), tm(1) 49857% 49858Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles 49859In children's circuses could stay their troubles? 49860There was a time they could cry over books, 49861But time has set its maggot on their track. 49862Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe. 49863What's never known is safest in this life. 49864Under the skysigns they who have no arms 49865Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost 49866Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best. 49867 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time" 49868% 49869Washington, D.C. Wasting your money since 1810. 49870% 49871Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality. 49872% 49873Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 49874 -- John F. Kennedy 49875% 49876[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for 49877the people -- the big, the bland and the banal. 49878 -- Ada Louise Huxtable 49879% 49880Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer 49881knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing? 49882% 49883Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. 49884 -- Euripides 49885% 49886Waste not, get your budget cut next year. 49887% 49888Wasting time is an important part of living. 49889% 49890Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal. 49891% 49892Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home. 49893 -- Han Solo 49894% 49895Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. 49896 -- Mark Twain 49897% 49898Watership Down: 49899You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew! 49900% 49901Watson's Law: 49902 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the 49903 number and significance of any persons watching it. 49904% 49905WE: 49906 The single most important word in the world. 49907% 49908We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on 49909when it's necessary to compromise. 49910 -- Larry Wall 49911% 49912We all declare for liberty, but in using the 49913same word we do not all mean the same thing. 49914 -- A. Lincoln 49915% 49916We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling. 49917% 49918We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny. 49919% 49920We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways. 49921% 49922We all live in a state of ambitious poverty. 49923 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis 49924% 49925We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon. 49926 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer 49927% 49928We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is 49929whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling 49930is that it is not crazy enough. 49931 -- Niels Bohr 49932% 49933We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized 49934before we are fit to participate in society. 49935 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly 49936 Correct Behaviour" 49937% 49938We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others. 49939% 49940We are all born mad. Some remain so. 49941 -- Samuel Beckett 49942% 49943We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time. 49944% 49945We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. 49946 -- Oscar Wilde 49947% 49948We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness. 49949 -- A. Schweitzer 49950% 49951We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. 49952 -- Winston Churchill 49953% 49954We are anthill men upon an anthill world. 49955 -- Ray Bradbury 49956% 49957We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. 49958 -- Whole Earth Catalog 49959% 49960We are confronted with unsurmountable opportunities. 49961 -- Pogo 49962% 49963We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge. 49964 -- John Naisbitt, Megatrends 49965% 49966We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his 49967own facts. 49968 -- Patrick Moynihan 49969% 49970We are each only one drop in a great 49971ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle! 49972% 49973We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal. 49974% 49975We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese 49976dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies. 49977 -- J.Hoover 49978% 49979We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to 49980socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad 49981thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism? 49982 -- Fidel Castro 49983% 49984We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to 49985socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The 49986bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its... 49987Did I say socialism? 49988 -- Fidel Castro 49989% 49990We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. 49991 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 49992% 49993We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant. 49994Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated. 49995% 49996We are not a clone. 49997% 49998We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one. 49999 -- John Fisher 50000% 50001We are not alone. 50002% 50003We are not loved by our friends for what we are; 50004rather, we are loved in spite of what we are. 50005 -- Victor Hugo 50006% 50007We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to 50008develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers 50009Manual. 50010 -- Andrew Hume 50011% 50012We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property. 50013% 50014We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. 50015 -- Jonathon Swift 50016% 50017We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check 50018the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance. 50019 50020This is a recording. 50021% 50022We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and 50023share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft 50024our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air, 50025leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine 50026the substance that cast them. 50027% 50028We are the people our parents warned us about. 50029% 50030We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified... 50031to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful... 50032 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970 50033% 50034We are what we are. 50035% 50036We are what we pretend to be. 50037 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 50038% 50039We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. 50040% 50041We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it. 50042 -- Yates 50043% 50044We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the 50045technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM. 50046 -- Edsger Dijkstra 50047% 50048We cannot command nature except by obeying her. 50049 -- Sir Francis Bacon 50050% 50051We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once. 50052 -- Calvin Coolidge 50053% 50054We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. 50055 -- Richard Nixon 50056% 50057We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our 50058feet and go skating. 50059 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist. 50060% 50061We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth, 50062take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send 50063forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search 50064into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and 50065beautiful Universe, Our home. 50066 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler 50067% 50068We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack. 50069 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach 50070% 50071We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. 50072% 50073We don't care how they do it in New York. 50074% 50075We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. 50076 -- James Watt, noted theologian 50077% 50078We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. 50079% 50080We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish. 50081% 50082We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure 50083that it wasn't a fish. 50084 -- Marshall McLuhan 50085% 50086We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out. 50087 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962 50088% 50089We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control. 50090 -- Pink Floyd 50091% 50092We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation 50093We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control 50094No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings 50095Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone? 50096Chorus: (Chorus) 50097 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call. 50098 50099We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation 50100We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes 50101No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging 50102Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone? 50103(Chorus) (Chorus) 50104 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd 50105% 50106We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers. 50107% 50108We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do. 50109 -- Walter Summers 50110% 50111We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't 50112understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights! 50113% 50114We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy... 50115Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to 50116visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological 50117hammer. 50118 -- Charles Darwin 50119% 50120We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. 50121 -- La Rochefoucauld 50122% 50123We gotta get out of this place, 50124If it's the last thing we ever do. 50125 -- The Animals 50126% 50127We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated. 50128% 50129We have art that we do not die of the truth. 50130 -- Nietzsche 50131% 50132We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM! 50133% 50134We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new 50135levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly, 50136almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like 50137men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of 50138Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result 50139is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the 50140creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of 50141redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding. 50142 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981 50143% 50144We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. 50145 -- Carl Sagan 50146% 50147We have met the enemy, and he is us. 50148 -- Walt Kelly 50149% 50150We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent 50151than from the machinations of the wicked. 50152% 50153We have no scorched earth policy. 50154We have a policy of scorched Communists. 50155 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982 50156% 50157We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from 50158our children. 50159% 50160We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have. 50161 -- Margaret Mead 50162% 50163We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place. 50164 -- John Berryman 50165% 50166We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out. 50167% 50168We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official 50169name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu". You 50170may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had another 50171setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION". 50172 Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) 50173your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing 50174process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple 50175of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your 50176mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that 50177would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the 50178police would find you. 50179 You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. 50180 -- Dave Barry 50181% 50182We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement... 50183% 50184"We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog, 50185star of "The Muppet Show." [3] 50186 50187[3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we 50188were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of 50189character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol 50190after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an 50191acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the 50192letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while 50193looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed 50194that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs 50195should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our 50196source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky 50197instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for 50198publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission 50199to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission 50200was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the 50201temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book." 50202 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol" 50203% 50204We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities. 50205 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" 50206% 50207We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary 50208to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. 50209Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition 50210to crave knowledge. 50211 -- George Will 50212% 50213We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support 50214of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support 50215the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we 50216know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in 50217which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or 50218about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as 50219his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our 50220hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on 50221pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly 50222by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose 50223feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay. 50224 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 50225% 50226We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves. 50227 -- Eric Hoffer 50228% 50229We love our little Johnny 50230He's the best little boy in all the world 50231And we wouldn't trade him for anything 50232That's how much we love him. 50233No, we couldn't live without him 50234So that's why, since he died, 50235We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer. 50236He's so good, so well-behaved, 50237Even better than before; 50238Oh, such a wonderful kid he is. 50239Alice and me, we'll never be lonely, 50240Never miss our little Johnny, 50241He'll never grow up and leave us 50242That's why we love him like we do. 50243 -- Mr. Mincemeat 50244% 50245"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call 50246free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens 50247show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do 50248our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself." 50249 -- Cameron Hawley 50250% 50251We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue 50252than malnutrition. 50253 -- Alex Comfort 50254% 50255We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely 50256intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people 50257think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be 50258best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with 50259the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand 50260and speak English. 50261 -- Alan M. Turing 50262% 50263We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern 50264their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of 50265their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor 50266Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say 50267nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among 50268themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a 50269proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition, 50270we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the 50271Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but 50272internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof 50273of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be 50274accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on 50275earth. 50276 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options" 50277% 50278We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever 50279popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take 50280under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light 50281of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays, 50282filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour. 50283 -- Nolo News, summer 1989 50284% 50285We may not return the affection of those who like us, 50286but we always respect their good judgement. 50287% 50288...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection 50289by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations. 50290I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized 50291brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as 50292an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting 50293functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often 50294uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities 50295of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection. 50296 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 50297% 50298We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn 50299of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it. 50300 -- Saul Alinsky 50301% 50302We must die because we have known them. 50303 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C. 50304% 50305We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must 50306condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like 50307the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of 50308chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan 50309for chess. 50310 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice 50311 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress 50312 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's 50313 "Stalin," published London, 1939 50314% 50315...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not 50316we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up 50317in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of 50318the past. 50319 -- Joseph Wood Krutch 50320% 50321We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of 50322the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front 50323is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace. 50324 -- Walter Lippmann 50325% 50326We must remember the First Amendment which 50327protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking. 50328 -- F.G. Withington 50329% 50330We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to 50331the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his 50332children smart. 50333 -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report" 50334% 50335We only acknowledge small faults in order 50336to make it appear that we are free from great ones. 50337 -- LaRouchefoucauld 50338% 50339We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the 50340originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has 50341forgotten its source. 50342 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" 50343% 50344We prefer to speak evil of ourselves 50345rather than not speak of ourselves at all. 50346% 50347We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. 50348% 50349We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, 50350content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest. 50351 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 50352% 50353We read to say that we have read. 50354% 50355We really don't have any enemies. 50356It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. 50357% 50358We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them. 50359 -- Thucydides 50360% 50361We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much. 50362 -- Jean de la Bruyere 50363% 50364We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is 50365in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot 50366stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that 50367is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. 50368 -- Mark Twain 50369% 50370We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been 50371born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken 50372out and shot. 50373 -- Strange de Jim 50374% 50375We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were 50376taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things 50377themselves. 50378 -- John Locke 50379% 50380We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents. 50381Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate. 50382 -- Dennis Miller 50383% 50384We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square. 50385 -- S.I. Hayakawa 50386% 50387We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they 50388remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that 50389the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than 50390the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule, 50391states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals. 50392These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who 50393want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that 50394they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and 50395who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country. 50396 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner 50397% 50398We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible. 50399We've done so much, for so long, with so little, 50400that we are now qualified to do something with nothing. 50401% 50402We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities, 50403ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote 50404preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves 50405and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States 50406of America. 50407% 50408We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet 50409size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In 50410fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here 50411are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: 50412 50413EUPHEMISM REALITY 50414------------------- ------------------------- 50415Excited about life's journey No concept of reality 50416Spiritually evolved Oversensitive 50417Moody Manic-depressive 50418Soulful Quiet manic-depressive 50419Poet Boring manic-depressive 50420Sultry/Sensual Easy 50421Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills 50422Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills 50423Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills 50424Very human Quasimodo's best friend 50425Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still 50426Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained 50427Flexible Desperate 50428Aging child Self-centered adult 50429Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it 50430Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television 50431% 50432We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet 50433size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In 50434fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here 50435are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: 50436 50437EUPHEMISM REALITY 50438------------------- ------------------------- 50439Independent thinker Crazy 50440High spirited Crazy and hyperactive 50441Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible 50442Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious 50443Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple 50444Cuddly Overweight 50445Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love) 50446Big and beautiful Really Fat 50447Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud 50448Svelte/Slender Anorexic 50449Dynamic Pushy 50450Assertive Pushy with a mean streak 50451Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung 50452Demanding Will make your life a living hell 50453Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich 50454% 50455We totally deny the allegations, and 50456we're trying to identify the allegators. 50457% 50458We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. 50459There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your 50460borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce. 50461 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard 50462% 50463[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things. 50464 -- R.W. Hamming 50465% 50466We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here 50467depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick. 50468 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra" 50469% 50470We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh 50471[Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run 50472behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around, 50473but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The 50474next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come 50475a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder. 50476The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says 50477to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh." 50478 -- Satchel Paige 50479% 50480We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we 50481were married for four and a half years. 50482 -- Nick Faldo 50483% 50484We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died. 50485% 50486We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. 50487If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves. 50488 -- Crazy Jimmy 50489% 50490We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was 50491also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a 50492French restaurant. [...] 50493 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk 50494white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her 50495boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the 50496bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad 50497rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished 50498there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...] 50499 "Stop the car," the girl said. 50500 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the 50501woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an 50502arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. 50503 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway 50504belle's for thee." 50505 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. 50506Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey 50507onto my granola and faced a new day. 50508 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway 50509 Competition 50510% 50511We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal 50512tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous 50513extinction. 50514 -- S.J. Gould 50515% 50516We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve 50517one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. 50518% 50519we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, 50520we will cry over things we used to laugh & 50521our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle 50522creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & 50523in the end a summer with wild winds & 50524new friends will be. 50525% 50526We wish you a Hare Krishna 50527We wish you a Hare Krishna 50528We wish you a Hare Krishna 50529And a Sun Myung Moon! 50530 -- Maxwell Smart 50531% 50532WEAPON: 50533 An index of the lack of development of a culture. 50534% 50535Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. 50536 -- John Heywood 50537% 50538Wedding, n: 50539 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one 50540 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become 50541 supportable. 50542 -- Ambrose Bierce 50543% 50544Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs. 50545% 50546Weed's Axiom: 50547 Never ask two questions in a business letter. 50548 The reply will discuss the one in which you are 50549 least interested and say nothing about the other. 50550% 50551Weekend, where are you? 50552% 50553Weiler's Law: 50554 Nothing is impossible to a person who doesn't have to do the work. 50555% 50556Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get 50557rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that 50558was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer 50559question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?" 50560 50561Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion. 50562 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" 50563% 50564Weinberg's First Law: 50565 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays. 50566% 50567Weinberg's Principle: 50568 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping 50569 on to the grand fallacy. 50570% 50571Weinberg's Second Law: 50572 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 50573 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. 50574% 50575Weiner's Law of Libraries: 50576 There are no answers, only cross references. 50577% 50578Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. 50579He'll come in handy if you run out of food. 50580 -- Dean McLaughlin. 50581% 50582Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions? 50583 50584D G G O 50585 50586O Y A N 50587 50588A D B T 50589 50590K I S P 50591Enter words: 50592> 50593% 50594Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, 50595The women are pretty, and the children are above-average. 50596 -- Garrison Keillor 50597% 50598Welcome to the Zoo! 50599% 50600Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the 50601use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for 50602demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking 50603sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming 50604can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on 50605the reader! For example, the sentence 50606 50607 Jane went to the store to buy bread 50608 50609should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something 50610sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a 50611cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if 50612Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control 50613of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive 50614my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"! 50615Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are 50616standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!) 50617% 50618Welcome to Utah. 50619If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear! 50620% 50621Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized 50622that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that 50623all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but 50624James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive 50625women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took 50626*thousands* of words to say it. 50627 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic 50628Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father. 50629Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because 50630what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.If all Russians talk 50631as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a 50632major world power. 50633 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise 50634the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right 50635out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me." 50636 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words: 50637 50638* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize 50639 nature and will kill you. 50640* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy. 50641 -- Dave Barry 50642% 50643We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday 50644night. Live, on the Death label. 50645 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise" 50646% 50647Well begun is half done. 50648 -- Aristotle 50649% 50650We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later. 50651% 50652Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep? 50653% 50654Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing. 50655 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information 50656 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph 50657 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be 50658 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles 50659 per hour, December 7, 1941. 50660% 50661Well, fancy giving money to the Government! 50662Might as well have put it down the drain. 50663Fancy giving money to the Government! 50664Nobody will see the stuff again. 50665Well, they've no idea what money's for -- 50666Ten to one they'll start another war. 50667I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'! 50668Fancy giving money to the Government! 50669 -- A.P. Herbert 50670% 50671We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter. 50672% 50673Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, 50674to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way. 50675 -- Laurie Anderson 50676% 50677Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot 50678of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a governor or 50679mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be 50680reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top contenders for the 1984 50681Democratic presidential nomination. These men will spend the next 18 months 50682going around the country engaging in the most degrading activities imaginable, 50683such as wearing idiot hats and appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the 50684Press" is one of those Sunday morning public interest shows that the public 50685is not the least bit interested in. It features a panel of reporters who 50686ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he 50687can get through the entire show without answering a single question. 50688 -- Dave Barry 50689% 50690Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five, 50691The headline screamed that I was still alive, 50692I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night. 50693I dreamed I'd been in a border town, 50694In a little cantina that the boys had found, 50695I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds. 50696When along came a senorita, 50697She looked so good that I had to meet her, 50698I was ready to approach her with my English charm, 50699When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm, 50700And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo, 50701Grow some funk of your own. 50702We no like to with the gringo fight, 50703But there might be a death in Mexico tonite. 50704... 50705Take my advice, take the next flight, 50706And grow some funk, grow your funk at home. 50707 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own" 50708% 50709Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them 50710back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, 50711or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they 50712they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. 50713 -- Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile 50714% 50715Well, if you can't believe what you read 50716in a comic book, what *can* you believe? 50717 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose 50718% 50719Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted. 50720 -- James Thurber 50721% 50722Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal 50723rights. 50724 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 50725% 50726Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either. 50727% 50728We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it. 50729% 50730WE'LL LOOK INTO IT: 50731 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we 50732 assume you will have forgotten about it,too. 50733% 50734Well, my daddy left home when I was three, 50735And he didn't leave much for Ma and me, 50736Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze. 50737Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid, 50738But the meanest thing that he ever did, 50739Was before he left he went and named me Sue. 50740... 50741But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars, 50742I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars, 50743And kill the man that give me that awful name. 50744It was Gatlinburg in mid-July, 50745I'd just hit town and my throat was dry, 50746Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew, 50747At an old saloon on a street of mud, 50748Sitting at a table, dealing stud, 50749Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue. 50750... 50751Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad, 50752From a wornout picture that my Mother had, 50753And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye... 50754 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue" 50755% 50756Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, 50757And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; 50758I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, 50759I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 50760 50761If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, 50762Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 50763'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. 50764I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 50765 50766On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, 50767But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. 50768Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, 50769I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 50770 -- Core Dumped Blues 50771% 50772We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu! 50773% 50774Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling, 50775And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling, 50776But I take delight in the juice of the barley, 50777And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early. 50778% 50779Well thaaaaaaat's okay. 50780% 50781Well, the handwriting is on the floor. 50782 -- Joe E. Lewis 50783% 50784We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, 50785we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. 50786 -- Dave Barry 50787% 50788Well, we'll really have a party, 50789but we've gotta post a guard outside. 50790 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody" 50791% 50792"Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in 50793poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come 50794and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!" 50795 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange" 50796% 50797Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers, 50798And we're loved everywhere we go. 50799We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth, 50800At ten thousand dollars a show. 50801We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills, 50802But the thrill we've never known, 50803Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, 50804On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 50805 50806I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie, 50807Who embroiders on my jeans. 50808I got my poor old gray-haired daddy, 50809Drivin' my limousine. 50810Now it's all designed, to blow our minds, 50811But our minds won't be really be blown; 50812Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, 50813On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 50814 50815We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies, 50816Who'll do anything we say. 50817We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way. 50818We got all the friends that money can buy, 50819So we never have to be alone. 50820And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture, 50821On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 50822 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show 50823 [As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.] 50824% 50825"Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some 50826higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you." 50827% 50828Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are. 50829 -- Buckaroo Banzai 50830% 50831WELL-ADJUSTED: 50832 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games. 50833% 50834We 50835own 50836this land. 50837 50838I don't spend 50839any time 50840on this land. 50841 50842This 50843is a tiny 50844little piece 50845 50846of my 50847business 50848interests. 50849 50850It's like 50851a grain 50852of sand. 50853 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, 50854 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992. 50855 From SPY Magazine, November 1992 50856% 50857We're all in this alone. 50858 -- Lily Tomlin 50859% 50860We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which 50861people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. 50862Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual 50863and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run, 50864it's not going to do anything for you. 50865 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984 50866% 50867We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable 50868things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend 50869and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students. 50870 -- Waldo D.R. Dobbs 50871% 50872We're happy little Vegemites, 50873 As bright as bright can be. 50874We all all enjoy our Vegemite 50875 For breakfast, lunch and tea. 50876% 50877Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the 50878formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite 50879shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide 50880a grin. 50881 -- F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations" 50882% 50883We're Knights of the Round Table 50884We dance whene'er we're able 50885We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table 50886With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable 50887We dine well here in Camelot But many times 50888We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes 50889 That are quite unsingable 50890In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot 50891Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot. 50892Between our quests 50893We sequin vests 50894And impersonate Clark Gable 50895It's a busy life in Camelot. 50896I have to push the pram a lot. 50897 -- Monty Python 50898% 50899We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold. 50900 -- D.W. Robertson. 50901% 50902We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful -- 50903but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and 50904then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for? 50905 -- Ensign Flandry 50906% 50907"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is 50908weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me 50909the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, 50910unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept 50911responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous 50912desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must 50913learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a 50914short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it." 50915 -- Don Juan 50916% 50917We're only in it for the volume. 50918 -- Black Sabbath 50919% 50920Were there no women, men might live like gods. 50921 -- Thomas Dekker 50922% 50923Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8. 50924% 50925Westheimer's Discovery: 50926 A couple of months in the laboratory can 50927 frequently save a couple of hours in the library. 50928% 50929Wethern's Law: 50930 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 50931% 50932We've tried each spinning space mote 50933And reckoned its true worth: 50934Take us back again to the homes of men 50935On the cool, green hills of Earth. 50936 50937The arching sky is calling 50938Spacemen back to their trade. 50939All hands! Standby! Free falling! 50940And the lights below us fade. 50941Out ride the sons of Terra, 50942Far drives the thundering jet, 50943Up leaps the race of Earthmen, 50944Out, far, and onward yet-- 50945 50946We pray for one last landing 50947On the globe that gave us birth; 50948Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies 50949And the cool, green hills of Earth. 50950 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941 50951% 50952Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay? 50953% 50954What!? Me worry? 50955 -- A.E. Newman 50956% 50957What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script 50958by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary 50959Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them! 50960 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses" 50961% 50962What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to 50963understand what a misfortune it is. 50964 -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855. 50965% 50966What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. 50967 -- WOP, "War Games" 50968% 50969What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. 50970 -- Christopher Fry 50971% 50972What an artist dies with me! 50973 -- Nero 50974% 50975What an author likes to write most is his signature on the 50976back of a cheque. 50977 -- Brendan Francis 50978% 50979What awful irony is this? 50980We are as gods, but know it not. 50981% 50982What causes the mysterious death of everyone? 50983% 50984What color is a chameleon on a mirror? 50985% 50986What did ya do with your burder and your cross? 50987Did you carry it yourself or did you cry? 50988You and I know that a burden and a cross, 50989Can only be carried on one man's back. 50990 -- Louden Wainwright III 50991% 50992What did you bring that book I didn't want 50993to be read to out of about Down Under up for? 50994% 50995What did you do when the ship sank? 50996I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore. 50997% 50998What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person 50999is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes 51000that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is 51001the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to 51002live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in 51003others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others. 51004% 51005What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin. 51006 -- Jerry Lester 51007% 51008What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? 51009Not enough sand. 51010% 51011What does education often do? 51012It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook. 51013 -- Henry David Thoreau 51014% 51015What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? 51016% 51017What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to 51018win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? 51019In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded 51020that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the 51021simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a 51022base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second, 51023a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human 51024activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses 51025the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate 51026and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with 51027words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young 51028Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of 51029conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John 51030Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they, 51031and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward. 51032 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt 51033% 51034What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. 51035 -- Nietzsche 51036% 51037What ever happened to happily ever after? 51038% 51039What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them? 51040 -- Roger von Oech 51041% 51042What foods these morsels be! 51043% 51044What fools these morals be! 51045% 51046What fools these mortals be. 51047 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 51048% 51049What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. 51050% 51051What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down 51052where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's. 51053% 51054What good is a ticket to the good life, 51055if you can't find the entrance? 51056% 51057What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature? 51058 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men" 51059% 51060What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow 51061in his footsteps? 51062% 51063What good is having someone who can walk 51064on water if you don't follow in his footsteps? 51065% 51066What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry? 51067 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 51068% 51069What happened last night can happen again. 51070% 51071What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations 51072involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will 51073be pretty bad. 51074 -- Dave Barry 51075% 51076What happens to a dream deferred? 51077Does it dry up 51078Like a raisin in the sun? 51079Or fester like a sore -- 51080And then run? 51081Does it stink like rotten meat? 51082Or crust and sugar over -- 51083Like a syrupy sweet? 51084 51085Maybe it just sags 51086Like a heavy load. 51087 51088Or does it explode? 51089 -- Langston Hughes 51090% 51091What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes. 51092% 51093What has roots as nobody sees, 51094Is taller than trees, 51095Up, up it goes, 51096And yet never grows? 51097% 51098What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be 51099broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality 51100is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct. 51101 -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 51102% 51103What I tell you three times is true. 51104 -- Lewis Carroll 51105% 51106What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. 51107% 51108What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? 51109In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. 51110 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 51111% 51112What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? 51113Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? 51114 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 51115% 51116What if there had been room at the inn? 51117 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity 51118% 51119What is a magician but a practising theorist? 51120 -- Obi-Wan Kenobi 51121% 51122What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things? 51123 -- J.M. Barrie 51124% 51125What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making 51126them puke. 51127 -- Steve Martin 51128% 51129What is food to one, is to others bitter poison. 51130 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 51131% 51132What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the 51133will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of 51134weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue 51135but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of 51136our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance. 51137What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and 51138all the weak: Christianity. 51139 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 51140% 51141What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's 51142enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking 51143out of him. 51144 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles" 51145% 51146What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires 51147an accomplice. 51148 -- Charles Baudelaire 51149% 51150What is love but a second-hand emotion? 51151 -- Tina Turner 51152% 51153What is mind? No matter. 51154What is matter? Never mind. 51155 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 51156% 51157What is now proved was once only imagin'd. 51158 -- William Blake 51159% 51160What is research but a blind date with knowledge? 51161 -- Will Harvey 51162% 51163What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank? 51164 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" 51165% 51166What is status? 51167 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion. 51168 51169Uh, no... 51170 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a 51171 problem with him. 51172 51173Uh, that still ain't right... 51174 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President, 51175 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a 51176 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you." 51177% 51178What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? 51179It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the 51180establishment of a Hilton on its peak. 51181% 51182What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank? 51183 -- Bertold Brecht 51184% 51185What is the sound of one hand clapping? 51186% 51187What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer 51188if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer. 51189 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth 51190 from outside Sinanju named Remo. 51191% 51192What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed 51193of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that 51194is the first law of nature. 51195 -- Voltaire 51196% 51197What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed 51198to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and 51199may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is 51200simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one, 51201big thumping lie that will then be believed. 51202 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of 51203 British civilian morale, 1939 51204% 51205What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, 51206which is the exact opposite. 51207 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical Essays", 1928 51208% 51209What is wanted is not the will-to-believe, 51210but the wish to find out, which is exact opposite. 51211 -- Bertrand Russell 51212% 51213What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. 51214% 51215What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither 51216goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night? 51217 -- Jack Kerouac 51218% 51219What luck for the rulers that men do not think. 51220 -- Adolph Hitler 51221% 51222What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend 51223is that there's nothing to compare it with. 51224% 51225What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us 51226is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. 51227% 51228What makes you think graduate school 51229is supposed to be satisfying? 51230 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" 51231% 51232What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility. 51233% 51234What no spouse of a writer can ever understand 51235is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window. 51236% 51237What nonsense people talk about happy marriages! 51238A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her. 51239 -- Wilde 51240% 51241What on earth would a man do with himself 51242if something did not stand in his way? 51243 -- H.G. Wells 51244% 51245What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. 51246 -- John Lilly 51247% 51248What one fool can do, another can. 51249 -- Ancient Simian Proverb 51250% 51251What orators lack in depth they make up in length. 51252% 51253What pains others pleasures me, 51254At home am I in Lisp or C; 51255There i couch in ecstasy, 51256'Til debugger's poke i flee, 51257Into kernel memory. 51258In system space, system space, there shall i fare-- 51259Inside of a VAX on a silicon square. 51260% 51261What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error. 51262 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals" 51263% 51264What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing 51265more than man's transparency. 51266 -- George Nathan 51267% 51268What passes for woman's intuition 51269is often nothing more than man's transparency. 51270% 51271What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. 51272It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books 51273and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes 51274and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes, 51275women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate 51276mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige 51277and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort. 51278 -- Susan Gordon 51279% 51280What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few 51281of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once 51282were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that 51283impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get 51284enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit 51285till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he 51286look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all 51287the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and 51288discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond 51289their grasp before they were five years old. 51290 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" 51291% 51292What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? 51293 -- U.K. LeGuin 51294% 51295What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? 51296 -- J.D. Farley 51297% 51298What segment's this, that, laid to rest 51299On FHA0, is sleeping? 51300What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run," 51301While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone. 51302 Dump, dump it and type it out, 51303 The file, the highseg of login. 51304Why lies it here, on public disk 51305And why is it now unprotected? 51306A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now 51307And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected. 51308 Dump, dump it and type it out, 51309 The file, the highseg of login. 51310 -- to Greensleeves 51311% 51312What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency? 51313% 51314What soon grows old? Gratitude. 51315 -- Aristotle 51316% 51317What, still alive at twenty-two, 51318A clean upstanding chap like you? 51319Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit, 51320Slit your girl's, and swing for it. 51321Like enough, you won't be glad, 51322When they come to hang you, lad: 51323But bacon's not the only thing 51324That's cured by hanging from a string. 51325So, when the spilt ink of the night 51326Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light, 51327Lads whose job is still to do 51328Shall whet their knives, and think of you. 51329 -- Hugh Kingsmill 51330% 51331What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went 51332around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work. 51333 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" 51334% 51335What the hell is it good for? 51336 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems 51337 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the 51338 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968 51339% 51340What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. 51341% 51342What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying. 51343 -- Nikita Khruschev 51344% 51345What they said: 51346 What they meant: 51347 51348"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever." 51349 (Yes, that about sums it up.) 51350"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you." 51351 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...) 51352"I simply can't say enough good things about him." 51353 (What a screw-up.) 51354"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine." 51355 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.) 51356"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go 51357a long way with his skills." 51358 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.) 51359"You won't find many people like her." 51360 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.) 51361"I cannot reccommend him too highly." 51362 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a 51363 felony in my presence.) 51364% 51365What they said: 51366 What they meant: 51367 51368"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much 51369of him as I do." 51370 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.) 51371"Her input was always critical." 51372 (She never had a good word to say.) 51373"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work." 51374 (And it's nonexistent.) 51375"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which 51376already has so many outstanding members." 51377 (Unless you already have a moron.) 51378"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable: 51379one unbelievable result after another." 51380 (And we didn't believe them, either.) 51381"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her." 51382 (In fact, to life in general...) 51383% 51384What they said: 51385 What they meant: 51386 51387"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you." 51388 (We certainly never succeeded.) 51389There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him. 51390 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...) 51391"Success will never spoil him." 51392 (Well, at least not MUCH more.) 51393"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling." 51394 (And such a sigh of relief.) 51395"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days; 51396in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities." 51397 (And his IQ, as well.) 51398"He should go far." 51399 (The farther the better.) 51400"He will take full advantage of his staff." 51401 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.) 51402% 51403What they say: What they mean: 51404 51405A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board. 51406Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident. 51407Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else. 51408 to unforseen difficulties 51409Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two. 51410Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be 51411 assured grateful for anything at all. 51412Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers! 51413Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised! 51414The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got 51415 to say something. 51416The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit. 51417We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're 51418 approach kicking it around. 51419A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but 51420 we're moving. 51421Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on. 51422 inconclusive 51423Modifications are underway We're starting over. 51424% 51425What they say: What they mean: 51426 51427New Different colors from previous version. 51428All New Not compatible with previous version. 51429Exclusive Nobody else has documentation. 51430Unmatched Almost as good as the competition. 51431Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money. 51432Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded. 51433Advanced Design Nobody really understands it. 51434Here At Last Didn't get it done on time. 51435Field Tested We don't have any simulators. 51436Years of Development Finally got one to work. 51437Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before. 51438Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round. 51439Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer. 51440No Maintenance Impossible to fix. 51441Performance Proven Worked through Beta test. 51442Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors. 51443Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails. 51444Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again. 51445% 51446What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. 51447% 51448What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon. 51449% 51450What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! 51451% 51452What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. 51453% 51454What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. 51455% 51456What time is it? 51457I don't know, it keeps changing. 51458% 51459What upsets me is not that you lied to me, 51460but that from now on I can no longer believe you. 51461 -- Nietzsche 51462% 51463What we Are is God's give to us. 51464What we Become is our gift to God. 51465% 51466What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. 51467 -- Wittgenstein 51468% 51469What we do not understand we do not possess. 51470 -- Goethe 51471% 51472What we need is either less corruption, 51473or more chance to participate in it. 51474% 51475What we see depends on mainly what we look for. 51476 -- John Lubbock 51477% 51478What we wish, that we readily believe. 51479 -- Demosthenes 51480% 51481What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die? 51482% 51483What you don't know won't help you much either. 51484 -- D. Bennett 51485% 51486What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond 51487your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or 51488your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel 51489powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do 51490with as you will. 51491 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen" 51492% 51493What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for 51494something to occur to you. 51495 -- Robert Frost 51496 51497 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 51498 referring to AST's.] 51499% 51500Whatever became of eternal truth? 51501% 51502Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for 51503cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your 51504nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while 51505shredding hundred dollar bills." 51506 -- Herb Caen 51507% 51508Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will 51509never succeed. 51510 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California 51511% 51512Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified 51513performance. 51514 -- Helen Lawrenson 51515% 51516Whatever happened to the good old days 51517when sex was dirty and the air was clean? 51518% 51519Whatever is not nailed down is mine. 51520Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down. 51521 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon 51522% 51523Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts. 51524 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 51525% 51526Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. 51527 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 51528% 51529Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half 51530as good. Luckily this is not difficult. 51531 -- Charlotte Whitton 51532% 51533Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that 51534you do it. 51535 -- Ghandi 51536% 51537Whatever you do will be insignificant, 51538but it is very important that you do it. 51539 -- Gandhi 51540% 51541Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like 51542other people. 51543 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows" 51544% 51545Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first. 51546% 51547What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority. 51548 -- Robert Altman 51549% 51550What's all this bru-ha-ha? 51551% 51552What's another word for "thesaurus"? 51553 -- Steven Wright 51554% 51555What's done to children, they will do to society. 51556% 51557What's page one, a preemptive strike? 51558 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College 51559% 51560What's so funny? 51561% 51562What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong 51563with every one of us - and that's "selfishness." 51564 -- The Best of Will Rogers 51565% 51566What's the ugliest part of your body? 51567What's the ugliest part of your body? 51568Some say your nose, 51569Some say your toes, 51570But I think it's your mind. 51571 -- Frank Zappa, 1965 51572% 51573What's this stuff about people being "released on their 51574own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance? 51575% 51576When a Banker jumps out of a window, 51577jump after him -- that's where the money is. 51578 -- Robespierre 51579% 51580When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far! 51581% 51582When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose? 51583% 51584When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but 51585the principle of the thing," it's the money. 51586 -- Kim Hubbard 51587% 51588When a girl can read the handwriting on 51589the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room. 51590% 51591When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the 51592inattentions of one. 51593 -- Helen Rowland 51594% 51595When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions 51596of many men for the inattentions of one. 51597 Helen Rowland 51598% 51599When a lion meets another with a louder roar, 51600the first lion thinks the last a bore. 51601 -- G.B. Shaw 51602% 51603When a lot of remedies are suggested for 51604a disease, that means it can't be cured. 51605 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard" 51606% 51607When a man assumes a public trust, he 51608should consider himself as public property. 51609 -- Thomas Jefferson 51610% 51611When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life. 51612 -- Samuel Johnson 51613% 51614When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, 51615it concentrates his mind wonderfully. 51616 -- Samuel Johnson 51617% 51618When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. 51619But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any 51620hour. That's relativity. 51621 -- Albert Einstein 51622% 51623When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him 51624keep her. 51625 -- Sacha Guitry 51626% 51627When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years 51628ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind 51629with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a 51630liar who has broken his promises. 51631 -- Franklin Adams 51632% 51633When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper. 51634% 51635When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not 51636far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel 51637is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. 51638 -- R.A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 51639% 51640When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see 51641the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain 51642relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. 51643 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 51644% 51645When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises: 51646first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it. 51647 -- Donnay 51648% 51649When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. 51650When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. 51651 -- Wilde 51652% 51653When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm 51654yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. 51655 51656Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive 51657out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit 51658by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you 51659to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead 51660that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was 51661looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the 51662poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill 51663him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful 51664death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your 51665story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could 51666the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of 51667paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job. 51668 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security 51669% 51670When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people 51671interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been 51672honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe. 51673 -- The Grab Bag 51674% 51675When all else fails, EAT!!! 51676% 51677When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance 51678the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter 51679knob. 51680 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual 51681% 51682When all else fails, read the instructions. 51683% 51684When all else fails, try Kate Smith. 51685% 51686When all other means of communication fail, try words. 51687% 51688When among apes, one must play the ape. 51689% 51690When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. 51691 -- Mark Twain 51692% 51693When arguments fail, use a blackjack. 51694 -- Ed "Spike" O'Donnell 51695% 51696When arguments fail, use a blackjack. 51697 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate. 51698% 51699When asked the definition of "pi": 51700The Mathematician: 51701 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the 51702 circumference of a circle and its diameter. 51703The Physicist: 51704 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005. 51705The Engineer: 51706 Pi is about 3. 51707% 51708When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense. 51709% 51710When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults. 51711 -- Brian Aldiss 51712% 51713When choosing between two evils, I always 51714like to take the one I've never tried before. 51715 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie" 51716% 51717When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite 51718easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger 51719handle this?" 51720% 51721When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by 51722reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" 51723% 51724When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect! 51725% 51726When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this 51727was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists 51728never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have 51729declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and 51730that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any 51731consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition. 51732 -- Josef Goebbels 51733% 51734When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?" 51735% 51736When does later become never? 51737% 51738When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? 51739Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday. 51740% 51741When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. 51742 -- Gen. C. Abrams 51743% 51744When forecasting, give them a number 51745or give them a date, but never both. 51746% 51747When God endowed human beings with brains, 51748He did not intend to guarantee them. 51749% 51750When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to 51751why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's. 51752 -- DeGourmont 51753% 51754When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and 51755inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats 51756blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes 51757screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he 51758stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing 51759himself to destruction. 51760 -- George Plimpton 51761% 51762When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced 51763to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. 51764 -- Brendan Behan 51765% 51766When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred, 51767He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!" 51768 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird" 51769% 51770when i die, i'd like to go peacefully. 51771in my sleep. 51772like my grandfather. 51773 51774not screaming, 51775like the passengers in his car... 51776% 51777When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A 51778loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a 51779barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another 51780drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks. 51781 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back 51782onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto 51783the bar, "*everybody* pays!" 51784% 51785When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket 51786and a willingness to compromise. 51787 -- Weber cartoon caption 51788% 51789When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great 51790parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me 51791if i'm leaving. 51792 -- Steven Wright 51793% 51794When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, 51795then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. 51796 -- Steven Wright 51797% 51798When I grow up, I want to be an honest 51799lawyer so things like that can't happen. 51800 -- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal 51801% 51802When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I 51803shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do 51804what you like now." 51805 -- Tolstoy 51806% 51807When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity 51808for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough. 51809 -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report" 51810% 51811When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil. 51812% 51813When I said "we", officer, I was referring to 51814myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat. 51815% 51816When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said 51817to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane." 51818 -- Franklyn Ajaye 51819% 51820When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever. 51821I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never 51822to be seen again. 51823 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu" 51824% 51825When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve 51826it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality. 51827 -- Al Capone 51828% 51829When I think about myself, 51830I almost laugh myself to death, 51831My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world 51832A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl 51833A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake. 51834I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend 51835When I think about myself. Too poor to break, 51836 I laugh until my stomach ache, 51837 When I think about myself. 51838My folks can make me split my side, 51839I laughed so hard I nearly died, 51840The tales they tell, sound just like lying, 51841They grow the fruit, 51842But eat the rind, 51843I laugh until I start to crying, 51844When I think about my folks. 51845 -- Maya Angelou 51846% 51847When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father. 51848By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement. 51849% 51850When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President. 51851Now I'm beginning to believe it. 51852 -- Clarence Darrow 51853% 51854When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard... 51855I was an only child... eventually. 51856 -- Stephen Wright 51857% 51858When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd 51859all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. 51860It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. 51861 -- Jack Handey 51862% 51863When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard. 51864I was an only child... eventually. 51865 -- Steven Wright 51866% 51867When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal 51868woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. 51869 -- Robert Schuman 51870% 51871When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if 51872I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" 51873 -- Steven Wright 51874% 51875When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends. 51876 51877I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's 51878picture that came with the wallet he bought. 51879 -- Rodney Dangerfield 51880% 51881When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't 51882say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls". 51883% 51884When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: 51885I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. 51886 -- Woody Allen 51887% 51888When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get. 51889 -- Rodney Dangerfield 51890% 51891When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act 51892of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of 51893seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is 51894always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you 51895would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human 51896organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. 51897The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems 51898to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things 51899together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. 51900 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" 51901% 51902When I was young we didn't have MTV; we 51903had to take drugs and go to concerts. 51904 -- Steven Pearl 51905% 51906When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened 51907or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot 51908remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to 51909pieces like this but we all have to do it. 51910 -- Mark Twain 51911% 51912When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had 51913slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." 51914 -- Steven Wright 51915% 51916When I works, I works hard. 51917When I sits, I sits easy. 51918And when I thinks, I goes to sleep. 51919% 51920When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and 51921the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in 51922the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who 51923comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says 51924he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked 51925questions like a senator. 51926 -- Muhammad Ali 51927% 51928When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better. 51929 -- Mae West 51930% 51931When in charge ponder, 51932When in doubt mumble, 51933When in trouble delegate. 51934% 51935When in doubt, do it. It's much easier 51936to apologize than to get permission. 51937 -- Grace Murray Hopper 51938% 51939When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. 51940% 51941When in doubt, follow your heart. 51942% 51943When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand. 51944 -- Raymond Chandler 51945% 51946When in doubt, lead trump. 51947% 51948When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. 51949 -- James H. Boren 51950% 51951When in doubt, tell the truth. 51952 -- Mark Twain 51953% 51954When in doubt, use brute force. 51955 -- Ken Thompson 51956% 51957When in Rome, live in the Roman way. 51958 -- St. Ambrose 51959% 51960When in this world the headlines read 51961Of those whose hearts are filled with greed 51962Who rob and steal from those who need 51963The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!) 51964Underdog (UNDERDOG!) 51965Speed of lightning, roar of thunder 51966Fighting all who rob or plunder 51967Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah) 51968Underdog 51969UNDERDOG! 51970% 51971When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. 51972% 51973When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame -- 51974half his wife's fault, and half her mother's. 51975% 51976When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing. 51977% 51978When it is not necessary to make a decision, 51979it is necessary not to make a decision. 51980% 51981When it's dark enough you can see the stars. 51982 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, 51983% 51984When license fees are too high, 51985users do things by hand. 51986When the management is too intrusive, 51987users lose their spirit. 51988 51989Hack for the user's benefit. 51990Trust them; leave them alone. 51991% 51992When love is gone, there's always justice. 51993And when justice is gone, there's always force. 51994And when force is gone, there's always Mom. 51995Hi, Mom! 51996 -- Laurie Anderson 51997% 51998When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it 51999will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it. 52000% 52001When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When 52002accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to 52003be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll 52004in. 52005 52006Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. 52007 52008When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants 52009make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When 52010senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be 52011solved. 52012 52013Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. 52014% 52015When Marriage is Outlawed, 52016Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. 52017% 52018When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. 52019 -- Calvin Coolidge 52020% 52021When my brain begins to reel from my 52022literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip. 52023 -- Ignatius Reilly 52024% 52025When my fist clenches crack it open, 52026Before I use it and lose my cool. 52027When I smile tell me some bad news, 52028Before I laugh and act like a fool. 52029 52030And if I swallow anything evil, 52031Put you finger down my throat. 52032And if I shiver please give me a blanket, 52033Keep me warm let me wear your coat 52034 52035No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, 52036 to be the sad man. 52037Behind blue eyes. 52038No one knows what its like to be hated, 52039 to be fated, 52040To telling only lies. 52041 -- The Who 52042% 52043When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was, 52044at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't 52045think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin 52046wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not 52047become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of 52048Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I 52049was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young 52050women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met 52051a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the 52052most unlikely of situations. 52053 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation" 52054% 52055When neither their poverty nor their honor is 52056touched, the majority of men live content. 52057 -- Niccolo Machiavelli 52058% 52059When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will. 52060% 52061When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. 52062 -- Dylan Thomas 52063% 52064When one knows women one pities men, 52065but when one studies men, one excuses women. 52066 -- Horne Tooke 52067% 52068When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish. 52069 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 52070% 52071When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts, 52072she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind 52073it less and less." 52074 -- Louise Andrews Kent 52075% 52076When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U. 52077The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points 52078And Oxygen still had none 52079Then Oxygen scored a single goal 52080And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1 52081Called because of rain. 52082% 52083When people have trouble communicating, 52084the least they can do is to shut up. 52085 -- Tom Lehrer 52086% 52087When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing. 52088% 52089When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure? 52090% 52091When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932, 52092newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris 52093was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman. 52094 52095 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular 52096 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies 52097 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words: 52098 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides 52099 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the 52100 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how 52101 how an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison 52102 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred. 52103% 52104When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for 52105every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss 52106is away and you get twice as much done. 52107 -- Daniel B. Luten 52108% 52109When smashing monuments, save the pedstals -- they always come in handy. 52110 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" 52111% 52112When some people decide it's time for everyone to make 52113big changes, it means that they want you to change first. 52114% 52115When some people discover the truth, they just 52116can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it. 52117% 52118When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got, 52119Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott, 52120Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes? 52121U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli, 52122They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli, 52123But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines! 52124 52125For might makes right, Members of the corps 52126And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war: 52127They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by 52128 peaceful means. 52129All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression-- 52130Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression! 52131 We only want the world to know 52132 That we support the status quo; 52133 They love us everywhere we go, 52134 So when in doubt, send the Marines! 52135 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines" 52136% 52137When someone says "I want a programming language in 52138which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. 52139% 52140When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four. 52141 -- S. Johnson 52142% 52143When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue. 52144% 52145When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple 52146of asterisked sentences: 52147 52148 It weighs less than 8 pounds.* 52149 And costs less than $1,300.** 52150 52151In tiny type were these "fuller explanations": 52152 52153 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all 52154 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power 52155 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks 52156 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you 52157 might not be able to figure this out for yourself. 52158 52159 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if 52160 you really want to. Or less. 52161 -- Forbes 52162% 52163When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!" 52164 -- Turkish proverb 52165% 52166When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. 52167 -- Chinese proverb 52168% 52169When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking 52170about themselves. 52171% 52172When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never 52173talking about themselves. 52174% 52175When the candles are out all women are fair. 52176 -- Plutarch 52177% 52178When the cup is full, carry it level. 52179% 52180When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it. 52181 -- Billy Sunday 52182% 52183When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little 52184muddy paw prints on the hood of my car. 52185% 52186When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. 52187 -- Lynch 52188% 52189When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer. 52190% 52191When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. 52192% 52193When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. 52194 -- Hunter S. Thompson 52195% 52196When the government bureau's remedies do not match 52197your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. 52198% 52199When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify 52200the problem, not the remedy. 52201% 52202When the Guru administers, the users 52203are hardly aware that he exists. 52204Next best is a sysop who is loved. 52205Next, one who is feared. 52206And worst, one who is despised. 52207 52208If you don't trust the users, 52209you make them untrustworthy. 52210 52211The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks. 52212When his work is done, 52213the users say, "Amazing: 52214we implemented it, all by ourselves!" 52215% 52216When the leaders speak of peace 52217The common folk know 52218That war is coming 52219When the leaders curse war 52220The mobilization order is already written out. 52221 52222Every day, to earn my daily bread 52223I go to the market where lies are bought 52224Hopefully 52225I take my place among the sellers. 52226 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood" 52227% 52228When the lights are out, all women are fair. 52229 -- Plutarch 52230% 52231When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, 52232the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a 52233nose bleed, which usually cures them of that. 52234 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 52235% 52236When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look 52237like a nail. 52238% 52239When the President does it, that means it is not illegal. 52240 -- Richard Nixon 52241% 52242When the revolution comes, count your change. 52243% 52244When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask 52245if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone," 52246he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the 52247right." 52248 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in 52249the wrong joke." 52250% 52251When the sun shineth, make hay. 52252 -- John Heywood 52253% 52254When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the 52255stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them 52256from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were 52257set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as 52258bodies of a lower grade... 52259 -- Stanislaw Lem 52260% 52261When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre, 52262he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single 52263seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly, 52264"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but 52265stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after 52266several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. 52267 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo, 52268what's your name?" 52269 "Samuel," he mumbled. 52270 "And where're you from, Sam?" 52271 "The balcony." 52272% 52273When the wind is great, bow before it; 52274when the wind is heavy, yield to it. 52275% 52276When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course 52277is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst. 52278 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 52279% 52280When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary. 52281 -- Balzac 52282% 52283When things go well, expect something to 52284explode, erode, collapse or just disappear. 52285% 52286When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, 52287most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear 52288that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition 52289continuously until death do them part. 52290 -- George Bernard Shaw 52291% 52292When users see one GUI as beautiful, 52293other user interfaces become ugly. 52294When users see some programs as winners, 52295other programs become lossage. 52296 52297Pointers and NULLs reference each other. 52298High level and assembler depend on each other. 52299Double and float cast to each other. 52300High-endian and low-endian define each other. 52301While and until follow each other. 52302 52303Therefore the Guru 52304programs without doing anything 52305and teaches without saying anything. 52306Warnings arise and he lets them come; 52307processes are swapped and he lets them go. 52308He has but doesn't possess, 52309acts but doesn't expect. 52310When his work is done, he deletes it. 52311That is why it lasts forever. 52312% 52313When we are planning for posterity, 52314we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. 52315 -- Thomas Paine 52316% 52317When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find 52318anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, 52319two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the 52320history of war have so few been led by so many. 52321 -- General James Gavin 52322% 52323When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh. 52324% 52325When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be 52326as before -- except our finger-tips will have been singed. 52327% 52328When we write programs that "learn", 52329it turns out we do and they don't. 52330% 52331When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. 52332 -- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae" 52333% 52334When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; 52335when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not 52336even our virtues. 52337 -- Balzac 52338% 52339When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. 52340 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand" 52341% 52342When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation 52343of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can 52344proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the 52345goal. 52346 -- Amrom Katz 52347% 52348When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; 52349when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere. 52350 -- St. Ambrose 52351% 52352When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. 52353% 52354When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often. 52355% 52356When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later 52357something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend 52358your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all 52359the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a 52360vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will 52361eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent 52362narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything -- 52363will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension. 52364But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come 52365from, to torture and unsettle us? 52366 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer" 52367% 52368When you become used to never being alone, 52369you may consider yourself Americanized. 52370% 52371When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal. 52372% 52373When you die, you lose a very important part of your life. 52374 -- Brooke Shields 52375% 52376When you dig another out of trouble, 52377you've got a place to bury your own. 52378% 52379When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. 52380% 52381When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 52382% 52383When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger, 52384When it looks like you will take a lickin'... 52385There is one thing you should learn, 52386When there is no one else to turn to, 52387Caaaall for Super Chicken (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) 52388Caaaall for Super Chicken!! 52389% 52390When you find yourself in danger, 52391When you're threatened by a stranger, 52392When it looks like you will take a lickin'... 52393 52394There is one thing you should learn, 52395When there is no one else to turn to, 52396 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) 52397 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! 52398% 52399When you find yourself in danger, 52400When you're threatened by a stranger, 52401When it looks like you will take a lickin'... 52402There is one thing you should learn, 52403When there is no one else to turn to, 52404Caaaaaall for Super Chicken. 52405% 52406When you get what you want in your struggle for self 52407And the world makes you king for a day, 52408Just go to a mirror and look at yourself 52409And see what that man has to say. 52410 For it isn't your father or mother or wife 52411 Whose judgement upon you must pass; 52412 The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life 52413 Is the one staring back from the glass. 52414Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum 52415And call you a wonderful guy, 52416But the man in the glass says you're only a bum 52417If you can't look him straight in the eye. 52418 He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest, 52419 For he's with you clear up to the end, 52420 And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test 52421 If the man in the glass is your friend. 52422You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life 52423And get pats on the back as you pass, 52424But your final reward will be heartaches and tears 52425If you've cheated the man in the glass. 52426% 52427When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve 52428people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 52429 -- Norm Crosby 52430% 52431When you go out to buy, don't show your silver. 52432% 52433When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever 52434remains, however improbable, must be the truth. 52435 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" 52436% 52437When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure 52438clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite 52439answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have 52440acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. 52441 -- R.A. Lafferty 52442% 52443When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. 52444 -- W. Churchill, on formal declarations of war 52445% 52446When you jump for joy, beware that no-one 52447moves the ground from beneath your feet. 52448 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" 52449% 52450When you live in a sick society, 52451just about everything you do is wrong. 52452% 52453When you make your mark in the world, 52454watch out for guys with erasers. 52455 -- The Wall Street Journal 52456% 52457When you meet a master swordsman, 52458show him your sword. 52459When you meet a man who is not a poet, 52460do not show him your poem. 52461 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master 52462% 52463When you overesteem great hackers, 52464more users become cretins. 52465When you develop encryption, 52466more users become crackers. 52467 52468The Guru leads 52469by emptying user's minds 52470and increasing their quotas, 52471by weakening their ambition 52472and toughening their resolve. 52473When users lack knowledge and desire, 52474management will not try to interfere. 52475 52476Practice not-looping, 52477and everything will fall into place. 52478% 52479When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that 52480you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice. 52481 -- Otto Von Bismarck 52482% 52483When you speak to others for their own good it's advice; 52484when they speak to you for your own good it's interference. 52485% 52486When you try to make an impression, the 52487chances are that is the impression you will make. 52488% 52489When you were born, a big chance was taken for you. 52490% 52491When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk. 52492When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned. 52493% 52494When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn 52495They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem. 52496 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy" 52497% 52498When your memory goes, forget it! 52499% 52500When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. 52501 -- Henry J. Kaiser 52502% 52503When you're a Yup 52504You're a Yup all the way 52505From your first slice of Brie 52506To your last Cabernet. 52507 52508When you're a Yup 52509You're not just a dreamer 52510You're making things happen 52511You're driving a Beamer. 52512% 52513When you're away, I'm restless, lonely 52514Wretched, bored, dejected, only 52515Here's the rub, my darling dear, 52516I feel the same when you are hear. 52517 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing" 52518% 52519When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else. 52520 -- David Pryce-Jones 52521% 52522When you're dining out and you suspect 52523something's wrong, you're probably right. 52524% 52525When you're down and out, lift up your 52526voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"! 52527% 52528When you're in command, command. 52529 -- Admiral Nimitz 52530% 52531When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when 52532you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened 52533of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time. 52534 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow" 52535% 52536When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. 52537% 52538When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to? 52539% 52540WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick 52541your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil. 52542 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 52543% 52544When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. 52545% 52546Whenever a system becomes completely defined, 52547some damn fool discovers something which either 52548abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. 52549% 52550WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to 52551laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle 52552to become a parrot or something. 52553 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 52554% 52555Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really". 52556 -- Dave Parnas 52557% 52558Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children 52559to spend their weekends with? 52560 -- Rita Rudner 52561% 52562Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. 52563% 52564Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel 52565a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. 52566 -- A. Lincoln 52567% 52568Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct 52569is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. 52570Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. 52571 -- Jack Handey 52572% 52573Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. 52574 -- Oscar Wilde 52575% 52576Whenever Richard Cory went downtown, 52577 We people on the pavement looked at him: 52578He was a gentleman from sole to crown, 52579 Clean-favored, and imperially slim. 52580And he was always quietly arrayed, 52581 And he was always human when he talked; 52582But still he fluttered pulses when he said, 52583 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked. 52584And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king -- 52585 And admirably schooled in every grace: 52586In fine, we thought that he was everything 52587 To make us wish that we were in his place. 52588So on we worked, and waited for the light, 52589 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread; 52590And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, 52591 Went home and put a bullet through his head. 52592 -- E.A. Robinson, "Richard Cory" 52593% 52594Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, 52595you can be pretty sure that they're not using it. 52596% 52597Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that 52598is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges 52599on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. 52600 -- Mark Twain 52601% 52602Whenever you find that you are on the 52603side of the majority, it is time to reform. 52604 -- Mark Twain 52605% 52606Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes and 52607weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes 52608and perhaps weight 1 1/2 tons. 52609 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949 52610% 52611Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I 52612% 52613Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk? 52614% 52615WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE 52616 Oh, dear, where can the matter be 52617 When it's converted to energy? 52618 There is a slight loss of parity. 52619 Johnny's so long at the fair. 52620% 52621Where do I find the time for not reading so many books? 52622 -- Karl Kraus 52623% 52624Where do you go to get anorexia? 52625 -- Shelley Winters 52626% 52627Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what 52628is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. 52629 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 52630% 52631Where is John Carson now that we need him? 52632 -- RLG 52633% 52634Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to 52635examine the laws of heat. 52636 -- Christopher Morley 52637% 52638Where, oh, where, are you tonight? 52639Why did you leave me here all alone? 52640I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love. 52641You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone. 52642 52643Gloom, despair and agony on me. 52644Deep dark depression, excessive misery. 52645If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. 52646Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me. 52647 -- Hee Haw 52648% 52649Where, oh where, are you tonight? 52650Why did you leave me here all alone? 52651I searched the world over, 52652And I thought I'd found true love, 52653You met another and [Bronx cheer] you were gone! 52654 -- Hee Haw 52655% 52656Where the hell is Wall Drug? 52657% 52658Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?". 52659% 52660Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance 52661in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. 52662% 52663Where there is much light there is also much shadow. 52664 -- Goethe 52665% 52666Where there's a whip there's a way. 52667% 52668Where there's a will, there's a relative. 52669% 52670Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. 52671% 52672Where will it all end? 52673Probably somewhere near where it all began. 52674% 52675Where you stand depends on where you sit. 52676 -- Rufus Miles, HEW 52677% 52678Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. 52679 -- Wittgenstein 52680% 52681Where's the man could ease a heart 52682Like a satin gown? 52683 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress" 52684% 52685...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to 52686spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it. 52687 -- Richard Shelton 52688% 52689Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest, 52690Do not cease your single-handed struggle. 52691Go on, do not rest. 52692 -- An old Gujarati hymn 52693% 52694Whether you can hear it or not, 52695The Universe is laughing behind your back. 52696% 52697Which would you rather have, a bursting 52698planet or an earthquake here and there? 52699 -- John Joseph Lynch 52700% 52701While anyone can admit to themselves they were 52702wrong, the true test is admission to someone else. 52703% 52704While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 52705The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 52706While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 52707And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 52708Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 52709The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 52710 -- Robert Burns, 52711 Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792 52712% 52713While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 52714The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 52715While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 52716And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 52717Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 52718The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 52719 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 1792 52720% 52721While having never invented a sin, 52722I'm trying to perfect several. 52723% 52724While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint 52725Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile, 52726began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless, 52727lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to 52728define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what 52729a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in." 52730 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes" 52731% 52732While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, 52733As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. 52734 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven" 52735 52736 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 52737 referring to hardware interrupts.] 52738 52739And now I see with eye serene 52740The very pulse of the machine. 52741 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight" 52742 52743 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 52744 referring to software interrupts.] 52745% 52746While money can't buy happiness, it certainly 52747lets you choose your own form of misery. 52748% 52749While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. 52750% 52751While most peoples' opinions change, 52752the conviction of their correctness never does. 52753% 52754While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who 52755held a gun to his head. 52756 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?" 52757 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot, 52758as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple. 52759 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted. 52760 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed 52761his head. "Go ahead and shoot." 52762% 52763While there's life, there's hope. 52764 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 52765% 52766While walking down a crowded 52767City street the other day, 52768I heard a little urchin 52769To a comrade turn and say, 52770"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse, 52771I'd be happy as a clam 52772If only I was de feller dat 52773Me mudder t'inks I am. 52774 52775"She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil 52776An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy, 52777Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson 52778Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy. 52779Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint 52780How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star: 52781If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that 52782Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are. 52783 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow" 52784% 52785While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in. 52786 -- Dean Rusk 52787% 52788While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's 52789still very reassuring to know that it's still there. 52790% 52791While you recently had your problems on the run, 52792they've regrouped and are making another attack. 52793% 52794While your friend holds you affectionately by both 52795your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. 52796% 52797Whip it, whip it good! 52798% 52799Whistler's Law: 52800 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. 52801% 52802Whistler's mother is off her rocker. 52803% 52804White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. 52805% 52806White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it 52807so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the 52808time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair. 52809% 52810Whitehead's Law: 52811 The obvious answer is always overlooked. 52812% 52813White's Statement: 52814 Don't lose heart! 52815 52816Owen's Commentary on White's Statement: 52817 ...they might want to cut it out... 52818 52819Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary: 52820 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search. 52821% 52822Who are you? 52823% 52824Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously? 52825 -- Nathan Pusey 52826% 52827Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with 52828our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process... 52829% 52830Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"? 52831 -- Hattie McDaniel 52832% 52833Who does not love wine, women, and song, 52834Remains a fool his whole life long. 52835 -- Johann Heinrich Voss 52836% 52837Who does not trust enough will not be trusted. 52838 -- Lao Tsu 52839% 52840Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing. 52841 -- Thomas Tusser 52842% 52843Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now? 52844% 52845Who is John Galt? 52846% 52847Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me? 52848% 52849Who loves me will also love my dog. 52850 -- John Donne 52851% 52852Who loves not wisely but too well 52853Will look on Helen's face in hell, 52854But he whose love is thin and wise 52855Will view John Knox in Paradise. 52856 -- Dorothy Parker 52857% 52858Who made the world I cannot tell; 52859'Tis made, and here am I in hell. 52860My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, 52861I never soiled with such a deed. 52862 -- A.E. Housman 52863% 52864Who needs companionship when you 52865can sit alone in your room and drink? 52866% 52867Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!? 52868No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em! 52869% 52870Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? 52871 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927 52872% 52873Who to himself is law no law doth need, 52874offends no law, and is a king indeed. 52875 -- George Chapman 52876% 52877Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE? 52878% 52879Who was that masked man? 52880% 52881Who will take care of the world after you're gone? 52882% 52883"WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! 52884It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!" 52885 -- Zippy the Pinhead 52886% 52887Whoever dies with the most toys wins. 52888% 52889Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not 52890become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks 52891into you. 52892 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 52893% 52894Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not 52895become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also 52896looks into you. 52897 -- Nietzsche 52898% 52899Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy. 52900 -- Groucho Marx 52901% 52902Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the 52903pure in heart can make a good soup. 52904 -- Ludwig Van Beethoven 52905% 52906Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom. 52907% 52908Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane. 52909% 52910Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods. 52911 -- Bernard Levin 52912% 52913Who's on first? 52914% 52915Who's scruffy-looking? 52916 -- Han Solo 52917% 52918Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people. 52919Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery. 52920% 52921Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard? 52922 -- Paul Simon 52923% 52924Why are programmers non-productive? 52925Because their time is wasted in meetings. 52926 52927Why are programmers rebellious? 52928Because the management interferes too much. 52929 52930Why are the programmers resigning one by one? 52931Because they are burnt out. 52932 52933Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs. 52934 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 52935% 52936Why are you so hard to ignore? 52937% 52938Why are you watching 52939The washing machine? 52940I love entertainment 52941So long as it's clean. 52942 52943Professor Doberman: 52944 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded 52945pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified 52946improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic 52947experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one 52948must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in 52949fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one 52950receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have 52951been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its 52952meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be 52953suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive 52954implications. 52955% 52956Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. 52957 -- Erik Satie 52958% 52959Why be a man when you can be a success? 52960 -- Bertolt Brecht 52961% 52962Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible? 52963% 52964Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible? 52965% 52966Why be difficult, when, with just a 52967little more effort, you can be impossible? 52968% 52969Why bother building anymore nuclear 52970warheads until we use the ones we have? 52971% 52972Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of 52973movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with? 52974% 52975Why did the Roman Empire collapse? 52976What's the Latin for office automation? 52977% 52978Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another 52979meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it 52980doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a 52981corner." 52982% 52983Why do seagulls live near the sea? 52984'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls. 52985% 52986Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? 52987It's quite uncanny. 52988% 52989Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow? 52990% 52991Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them? 52992% 52993Why do we want intelligent terminals 52994when there are so many stupid users? 52995% 52996Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away? 52997 -- Carl Sandburg 52998% 52999Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments? 53000% 53001Why does man kill? He kills for food. 53002And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. 53003 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 53004% 53005Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone? 53006 -- Jimmy Durante 53007% 53008Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition? 53009We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether 53010we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a 53011pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to 53012pay the fiddler. 53013 -- The Best of Will Rogers 53014% 53015Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle? 53016 -- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program 53017% 53018Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she 53019kissed her cow. 53020 -- Rabelais 53021% 53022Why I Can't Go Out With You: 53023 53024I'd LOVE to, but... 53025 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. 53026 -- None of my socks match. 53027 -- I'm having all my plants neutered. 53028 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. 53029 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky. 53030 -- I'm touring China with a wok band. 53031 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. 53032 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student 53033 named Basil Metabolism. 53034 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about. 53035 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. 53036 -- I prefer to remain an enigma. 53037 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever. 53038 -- I feel a song coming on. 53039% 53040Why I Can't Go Out With You: 53041 53042I'd LOVE to, but... 53043 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. 53044 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant. 53045 -- I'm trying to be less popular. 53046 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting. 53047 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. 53048 -- My subconscious says no. 53049 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I 53050 can't seem to put it down. 53051 -- My favorite commercial is on TV. 53052 -- I have to study for my blood test. 53053 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati. 53054 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. 53055 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering. 53056% 53057Why I Can't Go Out With You: 53058 53059I'd LOVE to, but... 53060 -- I have to floss my cat. 53061 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. 53062 -- I need to spend more time with my blender. 53063 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 53064 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio. 53065 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. 53066 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 53067 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise. 53068 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 53069 -- I have some really hard words to look up. 53070% 53071Why I Can't Go Out With You: 53072 53073I'd LOVE to, but... 53074 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. 53075 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 53076 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. 53077 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. 53078 -- I have to fulfill my potential. 53079 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone. 53080 -- It's too close to the turn of the century. 53081 -- I have to bleach my hare. 53082 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob. 53083 -- I left my body in my other clothes. 53084% 53085Why I Can't Go Out With You: 53086 53087I'd LOVE to, but... 53088 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 53089 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 53090 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 53091 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. 53092 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night. 53093 -- I'm building a plant from a kit. 53094 -- There's a disturbance in the Force. 53095 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. 53096 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. 53097 -- My crayons all melted together. 53098% 53099Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much? 53100% 53101Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you? 53102% 53103Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? 53104It is because we are not the person involved. 53105 -- Mark Twain 53106% 53107Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 53108 -- Stephen Wright 53109% 53110Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? 53111 -- Lily Tomlin 53112% 53113Why isn't there some cheap and easy 53114way to prove how much she means to me? 53115% 53116Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they 53117are another's. 53118 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681 53119% 53120Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I 53121not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't -- 53122Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not 53123do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want 53124me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? -- 53125I can't think why not. 53126 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria, 53127 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele 53128% 53129Why not go out on a limb? 53130Isn't that where the fruit is? 53131% 53132Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a 53133fresh one for a quarter of the price? 53134% 53135Why was I born with such contemporaries? 53136 -- Oscar Wilde 53137% 53138Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is 53139wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that 53140unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it 53141not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant 53142beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be 53143incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling 53144into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily 53145needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate 53146origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that 53147we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infintesimal 53148parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all 53149eternity for his faithlessness. 53150 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology", 53151 Fortnightly Review, 1876 53152% 53153Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said? 53154 -- Tom Ryan 53155% 53156Why would anyone want to be called "Later"? 53157% 53158Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? 53159 -- The Tasmanian Devil 53160% 53161Wiker's Law: 53162 Government expands to absorb all 53163 available revenue and then some. 53164% 53165Wilcox's Law: 53166 A pat on the back is only a few 53167 centimeters from a kick in the pants. 53168% 53169Will Rogers never met you. 53170% 53171Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it? 53172That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even! 53173% 53174Will your long-winded speeches never end? 53175What ails you that you keep on arguing? 53176 -- Job 16:3 53177% 53178William Safire's Rules for Writers: 53179 Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice 53180should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. 53181Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if 53182you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a 53183great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A 53184writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence 53185with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word 53186to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place 53187pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 53188or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling 53189participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a 53190sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid 53191mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone 53192should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in 53193their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always 53194follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; 53195seek viable alternatives. 53196% 53197Williams and Holland's Law: 53198 If enough data is collected, 53199 anything may be proven by statistical methods. 53200% 53201Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite, 53202See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite; 53203Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays: 53204Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days. 53205 53206Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash, 53207Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash. 53208Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly, 53209Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy. 53210 53211William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell, 53212Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well! 53213Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water, 53214"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." 'sure is hard to raise a daughter.' 53215 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899 53216% 53217Wilner's Observation: 53218 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private. 53219% 53220Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing. 53221 -- Vince Lombardi 53222% 53223Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything. 53224% 53225Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... 53226If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your 53227head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick... 53228 -- Stephen Wright 53229% 53230Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." 53231 -- Robert Byrne 53232% 53233Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house 53234as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. 53235% 53236[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying 53237hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast. 53238 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV 53239% 53240Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. 53241 -- J. Winter Smith 53242% 53243Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list. 53244% 53245Wishing without work is like fishing without bait. 53246 -- Frank Tyger 53247% 53248WIT: 53249 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery... 53250 by leaving it out. 53251% 53252With a rubber duck, one's never alone. 53253% 53254With all the fancy scientists in the world, 53255why can't they just once build a nuclear balm. 53256% 53257With all the talent around, it's sort of 53258amazing that a woman could be up here with us. 53259 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner 53260% 53261With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. 53262% 53263With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time 53264they make a law it's a joke. 53265 -- W. Rogers 53266% 53267With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand 53268miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, 53269and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there 53270is no such thing as progress. 53271 -- Ransom K. Ferm 53272% 53273With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind 53274she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself. 53275 -- Tolstoy 53276% 53277With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance. 53278% 53279With reasonable men I will reason; 53280with humane men I will plead; 53281but to tyrants I will give no quarter. 53282 -- William Lloyd Garrison 53283% 53284With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team 53285celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus 53286party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and 53287eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at 53288parties. 53289 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the 53290strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's 53291your G.P.A.?" 53292 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in 53293the city and forty on the highway." 53294% 53295With the end of the football season, a star player on the college team was 53296celebrating the relaxation of his curfew by attending a late-night campus 53297party. Soon after arriving, he was captivated by a beautiful coed and 53298eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at 53299parties. 53300 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the 53301strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's 53302you G.P.A.?" 53303 Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get at least 53304twenty-five in the city and forty on the highway!" 53305% 53306With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of 53307it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too 53308close. Like catching snakes. 53309 -- Marlon Brando 53310% 53311Within a computer, natural language is unnatural. 53312% 53313Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential 53314community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might 53315keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet 53316Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how 53317we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb. 53318I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke 53319them again -- and this time we'd use it. 53320 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the 53321 White House's National Security Council, Washington 53322 Post, 21 March, 1982 53323% 53324Without adventure, civilization is in full decay. 53325 -- Alfred North Whitehead 53326% 53327Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the 53328way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an 53329indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less 53330important to him than his table or his white robe. 53331 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac 53332% 53333Without fools there would be no wisdom. 53334% 53335Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. 53336% 53337Without life, Biology itself would be impossible. 53338% 53339Without love intelligence is dangerous; 53340without intelligence love is not enough. 53341 -- Ashley Montagu 53342% 53343With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about? 53344 -- Pink Floyd 53345% 53346Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer, 53347Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer 53348The future's uncertain and the end is always near. 53349 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues" 53350% 53351Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion 53352bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone. 53353Hundred billion castaways looking for a call. 53354% 53355WOLF: 53356 A man who knows all the ankles. 53357% 53358WOMAN: 53359 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and 53360 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. 53361 -- Bierce 53362% 53363Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?" 53364Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated." 53365% 53366Woman are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't 53367want to own one. 53368 -- W.C. Fields 53369% 53370Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. 53371 -- Dumas 53372% 53373Woman is generally so bad that the difference 53374between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists. 53375 -- Tolstoy 53376% 53377Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk. 53378Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly. 53379 I shall be sober in the morning. 53380% 53381Woman was God's second mistake. 53382 -- Nietzsche 53383% 53384Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor 53385out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be 53386equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart 53387that he might love her. 53388 -- Henry 53389% 53390Woman would be more charming if one could 53391fall into her arms without falling into her hands. 53392 -- DeGourmont 53393% 53394Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool. 53395 -- Cervantes 53396% 53397Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed, 53398they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with. 53399 -- Warren Beatty 53400% 53401Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: 53402once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their 53403marriage certificates, and defy you. 53404 -- Jerrold 53405% 53406Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it 53407from charity, or revenge? 53408 -- Gustave Vapereau 53409% 53410Women are just like men, only different. 53411% 53412Women are like elephants to me: I like to 53413look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one. 53414 -- W.C. Fields 53415% 53416Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have. 53417 -- Herold 53418% 53419Women are nothing but machines for producing children. 53420 -- Napoleon 53421% 53422Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. 53423 -- Stephens 53424% 53425Women aren't as mere as they used to be. 53426 -- Pogo 53427% 53428Women can keep a secret just as well as men, 53429but it takes more of them to do it. 53430% 53431Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two 53432categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much. 53433 -- Ann Landers 53434% 53435Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge 53436as good as any other. 53437 -- Philippe De Remi 53438% 53439Women give themselves to God when the 53440Devil wants nothing more to do with them. 53441 -- Arnould 53442% 53443Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly; 53444but they invariably want it back in such very small change. 53445 -- Wilde 53446% 53447Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little 53448crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying. 53449 -- Ansey 53450% 53451Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. 53452In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the 53453original earth clinging to the roots. 53454 -- Bierce 53455% 53456Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong 53457than men who reason with the head. 53458 -- DeLescure 53459% 53460Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity, 53461but never a man who misses one. 53462 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord 53463% 53464Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship 53465us and are always bothering us to do something for them. 53466 -- Wilde 53467% 53468Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell 53469them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man 53470than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry. 53471 -- Mort Sahl 53472% 53473Women waste men's lives and think they have 53474indemnified them by a few gracious words. 53475 -- Balzac 53476% 53477Women, when they are not in love, have all 53478the cold blood of an experienced attorney. 53479 -- Balzac 53480% 53481Women, when they have made a sheep of a man, 53482always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron. 53483 -- Balzac 53484% 53485Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition. 53486% 53487Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination. 53488% 53489Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; 53490not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or 53491graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves. 53492 -- Amiel 53493% 53494Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. 53495% 53496Women's virtue is man's greatest invention. 53497 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner 53498% 53499Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, 53500and philosophy begins in wonder. 53501 Socrates, quoting Plato 53502% 53503Wonderful day. 53504Your hangover just makes it seem terrible. 53505% 53506Woodward's Law: 53507 A theory is better than its explanation. 53508% 53509Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson? 53510Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. 53511 Let's just cut to the happy ending. 53512 -- Cheers, Airport V 53513 53514Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you. 53515Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here. 53516 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back 53517 53518Sam: Beer, Norm? 53519Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good. 53520 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens 53521% 53522Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose? 53523Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh? 53524 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction 53525 53526Sam: What are you up to Norm? 53527Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall. 53528 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh 53529 53530Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson. 53531Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.' 53532 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 53533% 53534Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one? 53535Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers. 53536 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah 53537 53538Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that 53539 swallowed the canary. 53540Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down. 53541 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah 53542 53543Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson? 53544Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass. 53545 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2 53546% 53547Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up? 53548Norm: The warranty on my liver. 53549 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do 53550 53551Sam: What can I do for you, Norm? 53552Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam. 53553 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd 53554 53555Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 53556Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood. 53557 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife 53558% 53559Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson? 53560Norm: Poor. 53561Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 53562Norm: No, I meant `pour'. 53563 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3 53564 53565Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story? 53566Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer. 53567 -- Cheers, The Proposal 53568 53569Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you? 53570Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper. 53571 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash 53572% 53573Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 53574Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody. 53575 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office 53576 53577Sam: How's life treating you? 53578Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't. 53579 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss 53580 53581Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson? 53582Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody? 53583Woody: For a beer? 53584Norm: No, for stupid questions. 53585 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie 53586% 53587Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson? 53588Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me? 53589 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1 53590 53591Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson? 53592Norm: My cheeks on this barstool. 53593 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 53594 53595Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer? 53596Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ... 53597 Eh, make that one-thirty. 53598 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 53599% 53600Woolsey-Swanson Rule: 53601 People would rather live with a problem they cannot 53602 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand. 53603% 53604Words are the voice of the heart. 53605% 53606Words can never express what words can never express. 53607% 53608Words have a longer life than deeds. 53609 -- Pindar 53610% 53611Words must be weighed, not counted. 53612% 53613WORK: 53614 The blessed respite from screaming kids and 53615 soap operas for which you actually get paid. 53616% 53617Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. 53618Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. 53619 -- Mark Twain 53620% 53621Work continues in this area. 53622 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton 53623% 53624Work expands to fill the time available. 53625 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955 53626% 53627Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near 53628the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people 53629to do so. 53630 -- Bertrand Russell 53631% 53632Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life. 53633 -- Schulz 53634% 53635Work is the curse of the drinking classes. 53636 -- Mike Romanoff 53637% 53638Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with 53639a handshake, and have fun. 53640 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy, 53641 shortly before dying at the age of 86. 53642% 53643Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling. 53644% 53645Work without a vision is slavery, 53646Vision without work is a pipe dream, 53647But vision with work is the hope of the world. 53648% 53649Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with 53650a valentine. 53651 -- Christopher Plummer 53652% 53653World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century 53654since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil 53655thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately 53656-- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds 53657together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of 53658error in the world." 53659 -- Sydney Harris 53660% 53661Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair-- 53662It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. 53663% 53664Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: 53665 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though. 53666 -- Steve Rubenstein 53667% 53668Worst Month of the Year: 53669 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if 53670 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you 53671 don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. 53672 -- Steve Rubenstein 53673% 53674Worst Vegetable of the Year: 53675 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. 53676 -- Steve Rubenstein 53677% 53678Worth seeing? 53679Yes, but not worth going to see. 53680% 53681Worthless. 53682 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS 53683 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the 53684 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the 53685 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September 53686 15, 1842. 53687% 53688WOTD: 53689 53690 ` 53691 53692% 53693Would it help if I got out and pushed? 53694 -- Princess Leia Organa 53695% 53696Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue. 53697 -- Alfieri 53698% 53699Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights? 53700% 53701Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake? 53702 -- John Heywood 53703% 53704Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction? 53705% 53706Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions? 53707% 53708Would you like to be tried in court by people 53709who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty? 53710% 53711Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!! 53712% 53713Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine 53714stuff.... 53715 -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg trial 53716 testimony, 1947 53717% 53718Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight? 53719 -- George Carlin 53720% 53721"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" 53722"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 53723 -- Lewis Carrol 53724% 53725Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were 53726a turn-on? 53727 -- "Broadcast News" 53728% 53729Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. 53730 -- Mark Twain 53731% 53732Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. 53733 -- Anonymous 53734% 53735Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply. 53736% 53737WRITE-PROTECT TAB: 53738 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly 53739 left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error 53740 message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs 53741 the momentary inconvenience. 53742 -- Robb Russon 53743% 53744write-protect tab, n: 53745 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left 53746 by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message 53747 once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary 53748 inconvenience. 53749 -- Robb Russon 53750% 53751Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear 53752witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results 53753from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences. 53754Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief 53755and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped 53756make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th 53757century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce. 53758Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM 53759PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult 53760holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it 53761is itself the one hope for salvation. 53762 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 53763% 53764Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. 53765% 53766Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of 53767paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. 53768 -- Gene Fowler 53769% 53770Writing is turning one's worst moments into money. 53771 -- J.P. Donleavy 53772% 53773Writing software is more fun than working. 53774% 53775WRONG! 53776% 53777WYSIWYG: 53778 What You See Is What You Get. 53779% 53780X windows: 53781 Accept any substitute. 53782 If it's broke, don't fix it. 53783 If it ain't broke, fix it. 53784 Form follows malfunction. 53785 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence. 53786 The trailing edge of software technology. 53787 Armageddon never looked so good. 53788 Japan's secret weapon. 53789 You'll envy the dead. 53790 Making the world safe for competing window systems. 53791 Let it get in YOUR way. 53792 The problem for your problem. 53793 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto. 53794 It could be worse, but it'll take time. 53795 Simplicity made complex. 53796 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid. 53797 Flakey and built to stay that way. 53798 53799One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years. 53800 X windows. 53801% 53802X windows: 53803 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow. 53804 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1. 53805 Built to take on the world... and lose! 53806 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it. 53807 Power tools for Power Fools. 53808 Putting new limits on productivity. 53809 The closer you look, the cruftier we look. 53810 Design by counterexample. 53811 A new level of software disintegration. 53812 No hardware is safe. 53813 Do your time. 53814 Rationalization, not realization. 53815 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest. 53816 Gratuitous incompatibility. 53817 Your mother. 53818 THE user interference management system. 53819 You can't argue with failure. 53820 You haven't died 'til you've used it. 53821 53822The environment of today... tomorrow! 53823 X windows. 53824% 53825X windows: 53826 Something you can be ashamed of. 53827 30%% more entropy than the leading window system. 53828 The first fully modular software disaster. 53829 Rome was destroyed in a day. 53830 Warn your friends about it. 53831 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights. 53832 An accident that couldn't wait to happen. 53833 Don't wait for the movie. 53834 Never use it after a big meal. 53835 Need we say less? 53836 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence. 53837 It'll make your day. 53838 Don't get frustrated without it. 53839 Power tools for power losers. 53840 A software disaster of Biblical proportions. 53841 Never had it. Never will. 53842 The software with no visible means of support. 53843 More than just a generation behind. 53844 53845Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel. 53846 X windows. 53847% 53848X windows: 53849 The ultimate bottleneck. 53850 Flawed beyond belief. 53851 The only thing you have to fear. 53852 Somewhere between chaos and insanity. 53853 On autopilot to oblivion. 53854 The joke that kills. 53855 A disgrace you can be proud of. 53856 A mistake carried out to perfection. 53857 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set. 53858 To err is X windows. 53859 Ignorance is our most important resource. 53860 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems. 53861 Built to fall apart. 53862 Nullifying centuries of progress. 53863 Falling to new depths of inefficiency. 53864 The last thing you need. 53865 The defacto substandard. 53866 53867Elevating brain damage to an art form. 53868 X windows. 53869% 53870X windows: 53871 We will dump no core before its time. 53872 One good crash deserves another. 53873 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone. 53874 We make excuses. 53875 It didn't even look good on paper. 53876 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later! 53877 A new concept in abuser interfaces. 53878 How can something get so bad, so quickly? 53879 It could happen to you. 53880 The art of incompetence. 53881 You have nothing to lose but your lunch. 53882 When uselessness just isn't enough. 53883 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier! 53884 When you can't afford to be right. 53885 And you thought we couldn't make it worse. 53886 53887If it works, it isn't X windows. 53888% 53889X windows: 53890 You'd better sit down. 53891 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project. 53892 Why do it right when you can do it wrong? 53893 Live the nightmare. 53894 Our bugs run faster. 53895 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight. 53896 There ARE no rules. 53897 You'll wish we were kidding. 53898 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more. 53899 Dissatisfaction guaranteed. 53900 There's got to be a better way. 53901 The next best thing to keypunching. 53902 Leave the thrashing to us. 53903 We wrote the book on core dumps. 53904 Even your dog won't like it. 53905 More than enough rope. 53906 Garbage at your fingertips. 53907 53908Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness. 53909 X windows. 53910% 53911Xerox does it again and again and again and... 53912% 53913Xerox never comes up with anything original. 53914% 53915XEROX never does anything original. 53916% 53917XI: 53918 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would 53919 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty 53920 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all 53921 the managers would fly off. 53922XII: 53923 It costs a lot to build bad products. 53924XIII: 53925 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States. 53926 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to 53927 intermingle the two. 53928XIV: 53929 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will 53930 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent 53931 of every airplane's weight. 53932XV: 53933 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost 53934 and two-thirds of the problems. 53935 -- Norman Augustine 53936% 53937XLI: 53938 The more one produces, the less one gets. 53939XLII: 53940 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. 53941XLIII: 53942 Hardware works best when it matters the least. 53943XLIV: 53944 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly 53945 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the 53946 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics. 53947XLV: 53948 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the 53949 unexpected should have been expected. 53950XLVI: 53951 A billion saved is a billion earned. 53952 -- Norman Augustine 53953% 53954XLVII: 53955 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other 53956 third is covered with auditors from headquarters. 53957XLVIII: 53958 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the 53959 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about. 53960 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less 53961 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing. 53962XLIX: 53963 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds. 53964L: 53965 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a 53966 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times 53967 as long as the official's who created it. 53968LI: 53969 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more 53970 government workers than there are workers. 53971LII: 53972 People working in the private sector should try to save money. 53973 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again. 53974 -- Norman Augustine 53975% 53976X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing 53977they leave to the imagination is the plot. 53978% 53979XVI: 53980 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one 53981 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and 53982 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be 53983 made available to the Marines for the extra day. 53984XVII: 53985 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, 53986 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases. 53987XVIII: 53988 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon 53989 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of 53990 ten degradation accomplished. 53991XIX: 53992 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will 53993 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them. 53994XX: 53995 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding 53996 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the 53997 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax. 53998 -- Norman Augustine 53999% 54000XXI: 54001 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. 54002XXII: 54003 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, 54004 not selling advice. 54005XXIII: 54006 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is 54007 currently estimated. 54008XXIV: 54009 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an 54010 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most 54011 costly action known to man. 54012XXV: 54013 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete 54014 or a new canvas to an artist. 54015 -- Norman Augustine 54016% 54017XXVI: 54018 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each 54019 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. 54020XXVII: 54021 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. 54022XXVIII: 54023 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee. 54024XXIX: 54025 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their 54026 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results 54027 hang on about half a decade. 54028XXX: 54029 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers, 54030 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions. 54031 -- Norman Augustine 54032% 54033XXXI: 54034 The optimum committee has no members. 54035XXXII: 54036 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of 54037 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold. 54038XXXIII: 54039 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread. 54040XXXIV: 54041 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work 54042 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed 54043 randomly. 54044XXXV: 54045 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion, 54046 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give 54047 the data authenticity. 54048 -- Norman Augustine 54049% 54050XXXVI: 54051 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar 54052 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the 54053 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other 54054 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea. 54055XXXVII: 54056 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect. 54057 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much. 54058XXXVIII: 54059 The early bird gets the worm. 54060 The early worm ... gets eaten. 54061XXXIX: 54062 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of 54063 the year -- in either direction. 54064XL: 54065 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off. 54066 -- Norman Augustine 54067% 54068Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice! 54069% 54070Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have 54071goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in 54072their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating 54073unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my 54074doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. 54075 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" 54076% 54077Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some 54078rays and became a tangent ? 54079% 54080Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id. 54081 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 54082% 54083Yea from the table of my memory 54084I'll wipe away all trivial fond records. 54085 -- Hamlet 54086% 54087Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death. 54088% 54089Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like 54090a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it. 54091% 54092Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, 54093the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm 54094a private eye. 54095 -- Calvin 54096% 54097Yeah, there are more important things in life than money, 54098but they won't go out with you if you don't have any. 54099% 54100YEAR: 54101 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 54102% 54103Year Name James Bond Book 54104---- -------------------------------- -------------- ---- 5410550's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson 541061962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958 541071963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957 541081964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959 541091965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961 541101967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954 541111967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964 541121969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963 541131971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956 541141973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955 541151974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965 541161977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette) 541171979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955 541181981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) 541191983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965 541201983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery 541211985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) 541221987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette) 54123 * -- Not a Broccoli production. 54124% 54125Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. 54126% 54127Yes, but which self do you want to be? 54128% 54129Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those 54130L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l. 54131 -- Rita Rudner 54132% 54133Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me. 54134And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy. 54135Just different ways to kill the pain the same. 54136But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, 54137Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy. 54138I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane. 54139 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock) 54140% 54141Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left 54142the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware. 54143 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" 54144% 54145Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in 54146that order. 54147 -- Jeffrey Honig 54148% 54149Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. 54150Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. 54151Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. 54152 -- Snoopy 54153% 54154Yesterday upon the stair 54155I met a man who wasn't there. 54156He wasn't there again today -- 54157I think he's from the CIA. 54158% 54159Yesterday upon the stair 54160I met a man who wasn't there. 54161He wasn't there again today. 54162I think he's from the CIA. 54163% 54164Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most 54165astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God 54166I'm not respectable. 54167 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd 54168% 54169Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty 54170feet. 54171 -- John Cheever 54172% 54173Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. 54174% 54175YINKEL: 54176 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, 54177 hoping no one will notice. 54178 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 54179% 54180You ain't learning nothing when you're talking. 54181% 54182You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty 54183spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb. 54184% 54185You are a bundle of energy, always on the go. 54186% 54187You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here. 54188% 54189You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in 54190use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and 54191the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the 54192moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?" 54193% 54194You are a wish to be here wishing yourself. 54195 -- Philip Whalen 54196% 54197You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind. 54198 -- Sherlock Holmes 54199% 54200You are always busy. 54201% 54202You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. 54203% 54204You are an insult to my intelligence! 54205I demand that you log off immediately. 54206% 54207You are as I am with You. 54208% 54209You are capable of planning your future. 54210% 54211You are confused; but this is your normal state. 54212% 54213You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances. 54214% 54215You are destined to become the commandant of the 54216fighting men of the department of transportation. 54217% 54218You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend. 54219% 54220You are fairminded, just and loving. 54221% 54222You are false data. 54223% 54224You are farsighted, a good planner, 54225an ardent lover, and a faithful friend. 54226% 54227You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way. 54228% 54229You are going to have a new love affair. 54230% 54231You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike. 54232% 54233You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different. 54234% 54235You are in the hall of the mountain king. 54236% 54237You are lost in the Swamps of Despair. 54238% 54239You are loved by the multitudes. 54240Have you been to the clinic lately? 54241% 54242You are magnetic in your bearing. 54243% 54244You are never given a wish without also being given the 54245power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however. 54246 -- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for 54247 the Advanced Soul" 54248% 54249You are not a fool just because you have done 54250something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you. 54251% 54252You are not dead yet. 54253But watch for further reports. 54254% 54255You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing 54256forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are 54257avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day. 54258 -- Ambrose Bierce 54259% 54260You are now in Atlanta, Georgia. 54261Please set your clocks back 200 years. 54262% 54263You are number 6! Who is number one? 54264% 54265"You are old, father William," the young man said, 54266 "And your hair has become very white; 54267And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- 54268 Do you think, at your age, it is right?" 54269 54270"In my youth," father William replied to his son, 54271 "I feared it might injure the brain; 54272But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, 54273 Why, I do it again and again." 54274 54275"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 54276 And have grown most uncommonly fat; 54277Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- 54278 Pray what is the reason of that?" 54279 54280"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, 54281 "I kept all my limbs very supple 54282By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- 54283 Allow me to sell you a couple?" 54284% 54285"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak 54286 For anything tougher than suet; 54287Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- 54288 Pray, how did you manage to do it?" 54289 54290"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, 54291 And argued each case with my wife; 54292And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, 54293 Has lasted the rest of my life." 54294 54295"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose 54296 That your eye was as steady as ever; 54297Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- 54298 What made you so awfully clever?" 54299 54300"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," 54301 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! 54302Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 54303 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" 54304% 54305You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 54306% 54307You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. 54308Therefore you have few friends. 54309% 54310You are sick, twisted and perverted. 54311I like that in a person. 54312% 54313You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep. 54314% 54315"You are *so* lovely." 54316"Yes." 54317"Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess." 54318% 54319You are standing on my toes. 54320% 54321You are taking yourself far too seriously. 54322% 54323You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who 54324points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get 54325attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra 54326chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a 54327gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a 54328rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy 54329trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a 54330vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyranosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch 54331long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is 54332dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your 54333head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves 54334are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to 54335transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem 54336to have gotten yourself killed, as well. 54337 54338You scored 0 out of 250 possible points. 54339That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer. 54340To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points. 54341% 54342You are wise, witty, and wonderful, 54343but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. 54344% 54345You ask what a nice girl will do? 54346She won't give an inch, but she won't say no. 54347 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis 54348% 54349You attempt things that you do not even plan 54350because of your extreme stupidity. 54351% 54352You auto buy now. 54353% 54354"You boys lookin' for trouble?" 54355"Sure. Whaddya got?" 54356 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones" 54357% 54358You buttered your bread, now lie in it! 54359% 54360You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the 54361peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the 54362municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior 54363courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state 54364supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge 54365reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat 54366between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less 54367than a twenty-dollar bill. 54368 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik 54369% 54370You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove. 54371 -- Tim Leary 54372% 54373You can always tell luck from ability by its duration. 54374% 54375You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier. 54376They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs. 54377% 54378You can be replaced by this computer. 54379% 54380You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault. 54381 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould 54382% 54383You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 54384doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. 54385 -- Hepler, CS, University of Washington 54386% 54387You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 54388doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. 54389 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 54390% 54391You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you 54392know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... 54393they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment 54394they cross the mountains into California, they go insane. 54395 -- Quentin Genter 54396% 54397You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long. 54398 -- Boris Yeltsin 54399% 54400You can cage a swallow, can't you, 54401 but you can't swallow a cage, can you? 54402Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, 54403 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl. 54404A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama! 54405 -- The Palindromist 54406% 54407You can create your own opportunities this week. 54408Blackmail a senior executive. 54409% 54410You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow. 54411 -- Janis Joplin 54412% 54413You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 54414Why do you find that funny? 54415 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350 54416% 54417You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 54418Why do you find that funny? 54419 -- D. Taylor, CS, University of Washington 54420% 54421You can do very well in speculation where 54422land or anything to do with dirt is concerned. 54423% 54424You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead. 54425% 54426You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right 54427and the budget is big enough. 54428 -- Joseph E. Levine 54429% 54430You can fool some of the people all of the time and all 54431of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom. 54432% 54433You can fool some of the people all of the time, 54434and all of the people some of the time, 54435but you can make a fool of yourself anytime. 54436% 54437You can fool some of the people some of the time, 54438and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient. 54439% 54440You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough. 54441% 54442You can get everything in life you want, 54443if you will help enough other people get what they want. 54444% 54445You can get much further with a kind word and a 54446gun than you can with a kind word alone. 54447 -- Al Capone 54448 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.] 54449% 54450You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to? 54451% 54452You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 54453% 54454You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend, 54455You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end. 54456 54457(chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day, 54458 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way. 54459 54460You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park, 54461You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark. 54462(chorus) 54463 54464You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt, 54465You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't. 54466(chorus) 54467% 54468You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But 54469if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing 54470your dog. 54471 -- foolin' around 54472% 54473You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. 54474Don't ever count on having both at once. 54475 -- Lazarus Long 54476% 54477You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy. 54478 -- Joe Valachi 54479% 54480You can lead a horse to water, but if you can 54481get him to float on his back, you've got something. 54482% 54483You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, 54484for instance. 54485 -- Franklin P. Jones 54486% 54487You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular. 54488% 54489You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. 54490% 54491You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting 54492his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN. 54493% 54494You can move the world with an idea, 54495but you have to think of it first. 54496% 54497You can never do just one thing. 54498 -- Hardin 54499% 54500You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. 54501% 54502You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you. 54503% 54504You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. 54505 -- Jeannette Rankin 54506% 54507You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat. 54508 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics 54509 54510What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth. 54511 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics 54512 54513You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing. 54514 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics 54515% 54516You can now buy more gates with less 54517specifications than at any other time in history. 54518 -- Kenneth Parker 54519% 54520You can observe a lot just by watching. 54521 -- Yogi Berra 54522% 54523You can rent this space for only $5 a week. 54524% 54525You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding 54526decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left 54527over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. 54528 -- F. Allen 54529% 54530You can tell how far we have to go, 54531when Fortran is the language of supercomputers. 54532 -- Steven Feiner 54533% 54534You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. 54535 -- Norman Douglas 54536% 54537You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. 54538 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington 54539% 54540You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; 54541I've got to have thirty minutes! 54542% 54543You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. 54544% 54545You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you. 54546But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew. 54547 -- Nathalia Crane 54548% 54549You cannot have a science without measurement. 54550 -- R. W. Hamming 54551% 54552You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. 54553% 54554You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. 54555% 54556You cannot see the wood for the trees. 54557 -- John Heywood 54558% 54559You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. 54560 -- Indira Gandhi 54561% 54562You cannot use your friends and have them too. 54563% 54564You can't break eggs without making an omelet. 54565% 54566You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. 54567% 54568You can't cheat an honest man, never give 54569a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump. 54570 -- W.C. Fields 54571% 54572You can't cheat the phone company. 54573% 54574You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps. 54575% 54576You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up. 54577 -- Richard Nixon, 1952 54578% 54579You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up. 54580 -- Peter Frampton 54581% 54582You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school. 54583 -- H.H. Munro 54584% 54585"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time", 54586Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978 54587she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have 54588children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either. 54589 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage" 54590% 54591You can't fall off the floor. 54592% 54593You can't get there from here. 54594% 54595You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. 54596% 54597You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 54598 -- Steven Wright 54599% 54600You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too. 54601 -- Ayn Rand 54602% 54603You can't hug a child with nuclear arms. 54604% 54605You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. 54606% 54607You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly -- 54608only sooner than she thought you would. 54609% 54610You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle 54611is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency. 54612 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" 54613% 54614You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane. 54615% 54616You can't play your friends like marks, kid. 54617 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting" 54618% 54619You can't push on a string. 54620% 54621You can't run away forever, 54622But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start. 54623 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through" 54624% 54625You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a 54626new way. 54627 -- Will Rogers 54628% 54629You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. 54630You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now. 54631 -- Lauren Bacall 54632% 54633You can't take damsel here now. 54634% 54635You can't take it with you -- 54636especially when crossing a state line. 54637% 54638You can't teach people to be lazy -- 54639either they have it, or they don't. 54640 -- Dagwood Bumstead 54641% 54642You can't underestimate the power of fear. 54643 -- Tricia Nixon Cox 54644% 54645You climb to reach the summit, but once 54646there, discover that all roads lead down. 54647 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad" 54648% 54649You could get a new lease on life -- if only you 54650didn't need the first and last month in advance. 54651% 54652You could live a better life, if you 54653had a better mind and a better body. 54654% 54655You couldn't even prove the White House 54656staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. 54657 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict 54658% 54659You definitely intend to start living sometime soon. 54660% 54661You dialed 5483. 54662% 54663You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. 54664% 54665You do not have mail. 54666% 54667You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one. 54668% 54669You don't have to be nice to people on the way up 54670if you're not planning on coming back down. 54671 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie" 54672% 54673You don't have to explain something you never said. 54674 -- Calvin Coolidge 54675% 54676You don't have to know how the computer 54677works, just how to work the computer. 54678% 54679You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. 54680 -- J.D. Salinger 54681% 54682You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina. 54683 -- Guindon 54684% 54685You don't sew with a fork, so I see no 54686reason to eat with knitting needles. 54687 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food 54688% 54689You enjoy the company of other people. 54690% 54691You feel a whole lot more like you do 54692now than you did when you used to. 54693% 54694You fill a much-needed gap. 54695% 54696You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple, 54697what might you have done for a truffled turkey? 54698 -- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout" 54699% 54700You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for 54701an apple, what might you not have done for a truffled turkey? 54702 -- Brillat-Savarin 54703% 54704You get along very well with everyone except animals and people. 54705% 54706You get what you pay for. 54707 -- Gabriel Biel 54708% 54709You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me 54710from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness. 54711 -- Goethe 54712% 54713You go down to the pickup station, 54714 craving warmth and beauty; 54715You settle for less than fascination -- 54716 a few drinks later you're not so choosy. 54717And the closing lights strip off the shadows 54718 on this strange new flesh you've found -- 54719Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf 54720 you hurry to the blackness 54721 and the blankets to lay down an impression 54722 and your loneliness. 54723 -- Joni Mitchell 54724% 54725You got to be very careful if you don't know 54726where you're going, because you might not get there. 54727 -- Yogi Berra 54728% 54729You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues, 54730And you know it don't come easy ... 54731I don't ask for much, I only want trust, 54732And you know it don't come easy ... 54733% 54734You guys have been practicing discrimination for years. 54735Now it's our turn. 54736 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas 54737% 54738You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! 54739% 54740You had mail. 54741Paul read it, so ask him what it said. 54742% 54743You had some happiness once, 54744but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind. 54745% 54746You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music. 54747% 54748You have a deep interest in all that is artistic. 54749% 54750You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister). 54751% 54752You have a message from the operator. 54753% 54754You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. 54755A pity that it's totally undeserved. 54756% 54757You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex. 54758% 54759You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex. 54760% 54761You have a strong desire for a home 54762and your family interests come first. 54763% 54764You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. 54765% 54766You have a truly strong individuality. 54767% 54768You have a will that can be influenced 54769by all with whom you come in contact. 54770% 54771You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead. 54772 -- Lois Platford 54773% 54774You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: 54775a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner. 54776 -- Aristophanes 54777% 54778You have an ability to sense and know higher truth. 54779% 54780You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. 54781% 54782You have an unusual equipment for success. 54783Be sure to use it properly. 54784% 54785You have an unusual understanding of 54786the problems of human relationships. 54787% 54788You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive. 54789 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" 54790% 54791You have been selected for a secret mission. 54792% 54793You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy. 54794% 54795You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. 54796% 54797You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop. 54798% 54799You have mail. 54800% 54801You have many friends and very few living enemies. 54802% 54803You have no real enemies. 54804% 54805You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. 54806 -- John Viscount Morley 54807% 54808You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married 54809and few words in your sleep to get divorced. 54810% 54811You have taken yourself too seriously. 54812% 54813You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. 54814You'll learn a lot today. 54815% 54816You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact. 54817% 54818You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. 54819If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster. 54820 -- Lewis Carroll 54821% 54822You humans are all alike. 54823% 54824You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me 54825at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very 54826simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..." 54827% 54828You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up! 54829 -- Dylan Thomas 54830% 54831You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke? 54832 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus 54833% 54834You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred. 54835 -- Superchicken 54836% 54837You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if 54838you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is, 54839and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to... 54840% 54841You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it. 54842 -- Maharbal 54843% 54844You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower, 54845start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm. 54846 -- Dean Webber 54847% 54848You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday. 54849 -- Garfield 54850% 54851You know my heart keeps tellin' me, 54852You're not a kid at thirty-three, 54853You play around you lose your wife, 54854You play too long, you lose your life. 54855Some gotta win, some gotta lose, 54856Goodtime Charlie's got the blues. 54857% 54858You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, 54859are now extinct. 54860 -- M. Somerset Maugham 54861% 54862You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you 54863almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself? I feel 54864like that all the time. 54865 -- Stephen Wright 54866% 54867You know, the difference between this company and 54868the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers. 54869% 54870You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends 54871on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that. 54872 -- Richard Nixon 54873% 54874You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat 54875and I had my hands about it. 54876 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen" 54877% 54878You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language 54879is revenge. 54880 -- Peter Beard 54881% 54882You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the 54883next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see 54884him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to 54885meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!" 54886 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos" 54887%% 54888I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two 54889highly trained certified public accountants. 54890 -- Elvis Presley 54891% 54892You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit. 54893 -- E.A. Gilliam 54894% 54895You know your apartment is small... 54896 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time. 54897 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window. 54898 you have to go outside to change your mind. 54899 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet. 54900% 54901You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your 54902daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her 54903mother is allowed to take. 54904% 54905You know you're in a small town when... 54906 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going. 54907 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local 54908 merchants because you're the first baby of the year. 54909 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't. 54910 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail. 54911 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway. 54912 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway. 54913% 54914You know you're in trouble when... 549151) You wake up face down on the pavement. 549162) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache. 549173) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes 54918 out of the city. 549194) Your twin sister forgot your birthday. 549205) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then 54921 remember that you don't have a waterbed. 549226) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate. 54923% 54924You know you're in trouble when... 549251) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you 54926 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. 549272) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party 54928 and there aren't any. 549293) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. 549304) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. 549315) You wake up and your braces are locked together. 549326) Your mother approves of the person you're dating. 54933% 54934You know you're in trouble when... 54935(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind 54936 her own business. 54937(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. 54938(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. 54939(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office. 54940(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 54941(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to 54942 flush a grapefruit down the toilet. 54943(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box. 54944% 54945You know you're in trouble when... 54946(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your 54947 skirt is caught in your pantyhose. 54948(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. 54949(3) Your income tax check bounces. 54950(4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye. 54951(5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George. 54952(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day 54953 after you bought a waterbed. 54954(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk 54955 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party 54956 for your spouse. 54957% 54958You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long 54959when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to 54960make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie 54961chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one. 54962% 54963You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. 54964% 54965You learn to write as if to someone else 54966because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE". 54967% 54968You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances. 54969% 54970You lived with a man who wore white belts? 54971Laura, I'm disappointed in you. 54972 -- Remington Steele 54973% 54974You look tired. 54975% 54976You love peace. 54977% 54978You love your home and want it to be beautiful. 54979% 54980You may already be a loser. 54981 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield. 54982% 54983You may be gone tomorrow, but that 54984doesn't mean that you weren't here today. 54985% 54986You may be infinitely smaller than some things, 54987but you're infinitely larger than others. 54988% 54989You may be recognized soon. Hide. 54990% 54991You may be right, I may be crazy, 54992But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for? 54993 -- Billy Joel 54994% 54995You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card 54996That a young man married is a young man marred. 54997 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys" 54998% 54999You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it! 55000% 55001You may have heard that a dean is 55002to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. 55003 -- Alfred Kahn 55004% 55005You may my glories and my state dispose, 55006But not my griefs; still am I king of those. 55007 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 55008% 55009You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but 55010you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost. 55011% 55012You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will 55013be sold. 55014% 55015You mean you didn't *know* she was off 55016making lots of little phone companies? 55017% 55018You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the 55019obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and 55020an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you. 55021 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder" 55022% 55023You might have mail. 55024% 55025You must dine in our cafeteria. 55026You can eat dirt cheap there!!!! 55027% 55028You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property 55029and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods) 55030and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from 55031bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent 55032paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.), 55033cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services, 55034gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to 55035prosecution for perjury and fraud. 55036 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms 55037% 55038You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty 55039to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties 55040are merely deputies of that one. 55041 -- Nero Wolfe 55042% 55043You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable 55044proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. 55045% 55046You need more time; and you probably always will. 55047% 55048You need no longer worry about the future. 55049This time tomorrow you'll be dead. 55050% 55051You need not worry about your future. 55052% 55053You never gain something but that you lose something. 55054 -- Thoreau 55055% 55056You never get a second chance to make a first impression. 55057% 55058You never go anywhere without your soul. 55059% 55060You never have to change anything you 55061got up in the middle of the night to write. 55062 -- Saul Bellow 55063% 55064You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will 55065tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching 55066these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show 55067advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, 55068even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants 55069Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better 55070get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's 55071antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies 55072until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the 55073right gift. 55074 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 55075% 55076You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. 55077% 55078You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough. 55079 -- William Blake 55080% 55081You never learned anything by doing it right. 55082% 55083You never realize how many friends you 55084have until you rent a house at the beach. 55085% 55086You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone 55087got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they 55088"experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented" 55089with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these 55090guys were getting stoned! 55091 -- Johnny Carson 55092% 55093You now have Asian Flu. 55094% 55095You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat. 55096% 55097You plan things that you do not even 55098attempt because of your extreme caution. 55099% 55100You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. 55101% 55102You prefer the company of the opposite 55103sex, but are well liked by your own. 55104% 55105You probably wouldn't worry about what people 55106think of you if you could know how seldom they do. 55107 -- Olin Miller 55108% 55109You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite. 55110% 55111You roll my log, and I will roll yours. 55112 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 55113% 55114You say potatoe, 55115And I say potato. 55116You say tomatoe, 55117And I say tomato. 55118Potatoe, potato, 55119Tomatoe, tomato. 55120Let's go be the Vice President... 55121% 55122You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours. 55123% 55124You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty 55125attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool 55126takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge 55127which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with 55128alot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it. 55129Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his 55130brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing 55131his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect 55132order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and 55133can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every 55134addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of 55135the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out 55136the useful ones. 55137 -- Sherlock Holmes 55138% 55139You see things; and you say "Why?" 55140But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?" 55141 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah" 55142 [No, it wasn't J.F. Kennedy. Ed.] 55143% 55144You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull 55145his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you 55146understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send 55147signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that 55148there is no cat. 55149 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio 55150% 55151You seek to shield those you love 55152and you like the role of the provider. 55153% 55154You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed. 55155% 55156You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends. 55157 -- Joseph Conrad 55158% 55159You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think. 55160% 55161You should go home. 55162% 55163You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except 55164incest and folk-dancing. 55165 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth" 55166% 55167You should never bet against anything in science at 55168odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one. 55169 -- E. Rutherford 55170% 55171You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team, 55172because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat! 55173 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip 55174% 55175You should never wear your best trousers 55176when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. 55177 -- Henrik Ibsen 55178% 55179You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh. 55180 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children" 55181% 55182You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put 55183your feet in it and swish them around a little. 55184 -- Guindon 55185% 55186You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess. 55187% 55188You teach best what you most need to learn. 55189% 55190YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING! 55191 55192Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be 55193a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really 55194important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." 55195 55196Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward 55197to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and 55198make really big Zorkmids." 55199 55200MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when 55201you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. 55202 55203 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! 55204% 55205You tread upon my patience. 55206 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 55207% 55208You two ought to be more careful-- 55209your love could drag on for years and years. 55210% 55211You want to know why I kept getting promoted? 55212Because my mouth knows more than my brain. 55213 -- W.G. 55214% 55215You will always find something in the last place you look. 55216% 55217You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. 55218% 55219You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. 55220% 55221You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. 55222% 55223You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. 55224% 55225You will be advanced socially, 55226without any special effort on your part. 55227% 55228You will be aided greatly by a person 55229whom you thought to be unimportant. 55230% 55231You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service. 55232% 55233You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone. 55234% 55235You will be awarded some great honor. 55236% 55237You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously. 55238% 55239You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble. 55240% 55241You will be dead within a year. 55242% 55243You will be divorced within a year. 55244% 55245You will be given a post of trust and responsibility. 55246% 55247You will be held hostage by a radical group. 55248% 55249You will be honored for contributing 55250your time and skill to a worthy cause. 55251% 55252You will be imprisoned for contributing 55253your time and skill to a bank robbery. 55254% 55255You will be married within a year. 55256% 55257You will be married within a year, and divorced within two. 55258% 55259You will be misunderstood by everyone. 55260% 55261You will be recognized and honored as a community leader. 55262% 55263You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier. 55264% 55265You will be run over by a beer truck. 55266% 55267You will be run over by a bus. 55268% 55269You will be singled out for promotion in your work. 55270% 55271You will be successful in love. 55272% 55273You will be surprised by a loud noise. 55274% 55275You will be surrounded by luxury. 55276% 55277You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler. 55278% 55279You will be the victim of a bizarre joke. 55280% 55281You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. 55282% 55283You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. 55284% 55285You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery. 55286% 55287You will become rich and famous unless you don't. 55288% 55289You will contract a rare disease. 55290% 55291You will engage in a profitable business activity. 55292% 55293You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass. 55294% 55295You will feel hungry again in another hour. 55296% 55297You will find me drinking gin 55298In the lowest kind of inn, 55299Because I am a rigid Vegetarian. 55300 -- G.K. Chesterton 55301% 55302You will forget that you ever knew me. 55303% 55304You will gain money by a fattening action. 55305% 55306You will gain money by a speculation or lottery. 55307% 55308You will gain money by an illegal action. 55309% 55310You will gain money by an immoral action. 55311% 55312You will get what you deserve. 55313% 55314You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford. 55315% 55316You will have a head crash on your private pack. 55317% 55318You will have a long and boring life. 55319% 55320You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor. 55321% 55322You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends. 55323% 55324You will have good luck and overcome many hardships. 55325% 55326You will have long and healthy life. 55327% 55328You will have many recoverable tape errors. 55329% 55330You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you. 55331% 55332You will inherit millions of dollars. 55333% 55334You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. 55335% 55336You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money. 55337% 55338You will live to see your grandchildren. 55339% 55340You will lose an important disk file. 55341% 55342You will lose an important tape file. 55343% 55344You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally. 55345% 55346You will never amount to much. 55347 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10 55348% 55349You will never know hunger. 55350% 55351You will not be elected to public office this year. 55352% 55353You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears. 55354% 55355You will outgrow your usefulness. 55356% 55357You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates. 55358% 55359You will pass away very quickly. 55360% 55361You will pay for your sins. 55362If you have already paid, please disregard this message. 55363% 55364You will pioneer the first Martian colony. 55365% 55366You will probably marry after a very brief courtship. 55367% 55368You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession. 55369% 55370You will receive a legacy which will place you above want. 55371% 55372You will remember something that you should not have forgotten. 55373% 55374You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family 55375was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into 55376the butter upon a hot day. 55377 -- Sherlock Holmes 55378% 55379You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty 55380family was first brought to my notice by the |depth which the parsley 55381had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. 55382 -- Sherlock Holmes 55383% 55384You will soon forget this. 55385% 55386You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life. 55387% 55388You will step on the night soil of many countries. 55389% 55390You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, 55391but only because your brakes are defective. 55392% 55393You will triumph over your enemy. 55394% 55395You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon. 55396% 55397You will win success in whatever calling you adopt. 55398% 55399You will wish you hadn't. 55400% 55401You won't skid if you stay in a rut. 55402 -- Frank Hubbard 55403% 55404You work very hard. Don't try to think as well. 55405% 55406You worry too much about your job. 55407Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. 55408% 55409"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems 55410of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. 55411Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. 55412Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important, 55413give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less 55414momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen 55415yourself in this way." 55416 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman" 55417% 55418You would if you could but you can't so you won't. 55419% 55420You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't 55421be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway. 55422 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell 55423% 55424You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control. 55425 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)" 55426% 55427You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow. 55428% 55429You'll always be, 55430What you always were, 55431Which has nothing to do with, 55432All to do, with her. 55433 -- Company 55434% 55435You'll be called to a post requiring 55436ability in handling groups of people. 55437% 55438You'll be sorry... 55439% 55440You'll feel devilish tonight. 55441Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel. 55442% 55443You'll feel much better once you've given up hope. 55444% 55445You'll never be the man your mother was! 55446% 55447You'll never see all the places, or read all the 55448books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended. 55449% 55450You'll wish that you had done some of the 55451hard things when they were easier to do. 55452% 55453Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for 55454counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the 55455experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth 55456them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin 55457of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might 55458have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of 55459actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly 55460to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few 55461principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate, 55462which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will 55463not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop 55464nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little, 55465repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but 55466content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to 55467compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct 55468the defects of both. 55469 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age" 55470% 55471Young men, hear an old man to whom 55472old men hearkened when he was young. 55473 -- Augustus Caesar 55474% 55475Young men think old men are fools; 55476but old men know young men are fools. 55477 -- George Chapman 55478% 55479Your aim is high and to the right. 55480% 55481Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. 55482% 55483Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. 55484Don't believe a thing he tells you. 55485% 55486Your best consolation is the hope that the things 55487you failed to get weren't really worth having. 55488% 55489Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong. 55490% 55491Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. 55492% 55493Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers. 55494% 55495Your business will assume vast proportions. 55496% 55497Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion. 55498% 55499Your code should be more efficient! 55500% 55501Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize. 55502% 55503Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother. 55504% 55505Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts 55506 ...Here's How You Can Tell 55507Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you 55508can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They 55509listed 10 signs to watch for: 55510 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand 55511 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell 55512 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger. 55513 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction 55514 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger. 55515 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't 55516 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends." 55517 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain 55518 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when 55519 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. 55520The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not 55521all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien. 55522 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984. 55523 55524 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.] 55525% 55526Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways. 55527% 55528Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, 55529dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being 55530attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last 55531minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the 55532Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the 55533medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 5553425 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in 55535seconds if we felt like it. 55536 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead" 55537% 55538Your domestic life may be harmonious. 55539% 55540Your education begins where what is called your education is over. 55541% 55542Your fault - core dumped 55543% 55544Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket. 55545EOF 55546% 55547Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now). 55548% 55549YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 55550 by Miss Fortune 55551 55552AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) 55553 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what 55554type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer! 55555Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in 55556California Hoalloween is redundant anyhow. 55557 55558PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20) 55559 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are 55560fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your 55561bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when 55562other discover your good qualities without your help. 55563% 55564YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 55565 by Miss Fortune 55566 55567ARIES (March 21 - April 19) 55568 Matters are not good, where you health is concerned. This Fall, be 55569sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly" 55570and you will live all the days of your life. 55571 55572TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) 55573 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself 55574in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite 55575brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply 55576miss two car payments. 55577 55578GEMINI (May 21 - June 21) 55579 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in 55580common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand 55581at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens. 55582Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until 55583you meet in court. 55584% 55585YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 55586 by Miss Fortune 55587 55588CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22) 55589 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel 55590you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get 55591in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going 55592to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing? 55593 55594LEO (July 23 - August 22) 55595 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh 55596heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have 55597in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to 55598shop. 55599 55600VIRGO (August 23 - September 22) 55601 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are 55602affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job 55603is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a 55604career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more 55605than people who work standing up. 55606% 55607Your friends will know you better in the first minute you 55608meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years. 55609 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 55610% 55611Your goose is cooked. 55612(Your current chick is burned up too!) 55613% 55614Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life. 55615% 55616Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. 55617% 55618Your ignorance cramps my conversation. 55619% 55620Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. 55621% 55622Your love life will be happy and harmonious. 55623% 55624Your love life will be... interesting. 55625% 55626Your lover will never wish to leave you. 55627% 55628Your lucky color has faded. 55629% 55630Your lucky number has been disconnected. 55631% 55632Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. 55633Watch for it everywhere. 55634% 55635Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not 55636original and the part that is original is not good. 55637 -- Samuel Johnson 55638% 55639Your mind is the part of you that says, 55640 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?" 55641... and then, twenty minutes later, says, 55642 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!" 55643 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine 55644% 55645Your mind understands what you have been 55646taught; your heart, what is true. 55647% 55648Your mode of life will be changed for 55649the better because of good news soon. 55650% 55651Your mode of life will be changed for 55652the better because of new developments. 55653% 55654Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII. 55655% 55656Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC. 55657% 55658Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder 55659Face like ice, a little bit colder 55660She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules 55661You learned in school" 55662But I don't really see 55663Why can't we go on as three? 55664 -- David Crosby, "Triad" 55665% 55666Your motives for doing whatever good deed you 55667may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody. 55668% 55669Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it. 55670% 55671Your object is to save the world, 55672while still leading a pleasant life. 55673% 55674Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being 55675true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the 55676mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound. 55677Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What 55678are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers 55679change. 55680 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 55681% 55682Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world. 55683% 55684Your password is pitifully obvious. 55685% 55686Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus. 55687% 55688Your present plans will be successful. 55689% 55690Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory. 55691% 55692Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner. 55693% 55694Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You 55695need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion 55696picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use 55697the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified 55698success. 55699 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 55700% 55701Your sister swims out to meet troop ships. 55702% 55703Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement. 55704% 55705Your step will soil many countries. 55706% 55707Your supervisor is thinking about you. 55708% 55709Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. 55710% 55711Your temporary financial embarrassment will 55712be relieved in a surprising manner. 55713% 55714Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. 55715% 55716Your wig steers the gig. 55717 -- Lord Buckley 55718% 55719Your wise men don't know how it feels 55720To be thick as a brick. 55721 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick" 55722% 55723Your worship is your furnaces 55724which, like old idols, lost obscenes, 55725have molten bowels; your vision is 55726machines for making more machines. 55727 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874 55728% 55729You're a card which will have to be dealt with. 55730% 55731You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. 55732 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler 55733 55734Ah, yes. I remember my first beer. 55735 -- Steve Martin to a heckler 55736 55737When your IQ rises to 28, sell. 55738 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler 55739% 55740You're all clear now, kid. 55741Now blow this thing so we can all go home. 55742 -- Han Solo 55743% 55744You're almost as happy as you think you are. 55745% 55746You're already carrying the sphere! 55747% 55748You're always thinking you're gonna be 55749the one that makes 'em act different. 55750 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan" 55751% 55752You're at the end of the road again. 55753% 55754You're at Witt's End. 55755% 55756You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. 55757% 55758You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life." 55759% 55760You're definitely on their list. 55761The question to ask next is what list it is. 55762% 55763You're either part of the solution or part of the problem. 55764 -- Eldridge Cleaver 55765% 55766You're growing out of some of your problems, 55767but there are others that you're growing into. 55768% 55769"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little... 55770except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus." 55771 -- Swamp Thing 55772% 55773You're never too old to become younger. 55774 -- Mae West 55775% 55776You're not Dave. Who are you? 55777% 55778You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 55779 -- Dean Martin 55780% 55781You're reasoning is excellent -- it's 55782only your basic assumptions that are wrong. 55783% 55784You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. 55785% 55786You're using a keyboard! How quaint! 55787% 55788You're working under a slight handicap. 55789You happen to be human. 55790% 55791Yours is not to reason why, 55792Just to Sail Away. 55793And when you find you have to throw 55794Your Legacy away; 55795Remember life as was it is, 55796And is as it were; 55797Chasing sounds across the galaxy 55798'Till silence is but a blur. 55799 -- QYX. 55800% 55801Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it. 55802% 55803Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of 55804courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease. 55805 -- Robert F. Kennedy 55806% 55807Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it. 55808% 55809Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret. 55810 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby" 55811% 55812Youth is a disease from which we all recover. 55813 -- Dorothy Fuldheim 55814% 55815Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. 55816 -- George Bernard Shaw 55817% 55818Youth is the trustee of posterity. 55819% 55820Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is 55821when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. 55822% 55823You've always made the mistake of being yourself. 55824 -- Eugene Ionesco 55825% 55826You've been Berkeley'ed! 55827% 55828You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. 55829% 55830You've been telling me to relax all the way here, 55831and now you're telling me just to be myself? 55832 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven 55833% 55834You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas. 55835% 55836"Yow! Am I having fun yet?" 55837 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55838% 55839"Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?" 55840 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55841% 55842"Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!" 55843 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55844% 55845"Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?" 55846 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55847% 55848"Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet? Is it, huh, is it?" 55849 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55850% 55851"Yow!! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!" 55852 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55853% 55854"Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did 55855to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!" 55856 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55857% 55858YO-YO: 55859 Something that is occasionally up but normally down. 55860 (see also Computer). 55861% 55862Zall's Laws: 55863 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do 55864 will be wrong. 55865 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom 55866 door you're on. 55867% 55868zeal, n: 55869 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick. 55870% 55871ZERO DEFECTS: 55872 The result of shutting down a production line. 55873% 55874Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it! 55875 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers" 55876% 55877Zeus gave Leda the bird. 55878% 55879Zisla's Law: 55880 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. 55881% 55882Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words 55883since I first called my brother's father dad. 55884 -- William Shakespeare, "Kind John" 55885% 55886Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: 55887 People are always available for work in the past tense. 55888% 55889