1======================================================================= 2|| || 3|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! || 4|| Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! || 5|| || 6======================================================================= 7 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production: 8 "Fortune Cookie" 9 Directed by Steven Spielberg. 10 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando 11 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers 12 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter". 13 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin. 14 Special Effects by Timothy Leary. 15 Read the Warner paperback! 16 Invoke the Unix program! 17 Soundtrack on XTC Records. 18 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal 19 centers. 20% 21 PLAYGIRL, Inc. 22 Philadelphia, Pa. 19369 23Dear Sir: 24 Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to 25inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On 26a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women 27ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the 28age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing 29long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman 30ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate 31in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call 32us. 33 Sympathetically, 34 Amanda L. Smith 35 36p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you 37 wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot? 38% 39 _-^--^=-_ 40 _.-^^ -~_ 41 _-- --_ 42 < >) 43 | | 44 \._ _./ 45 ```--. . , ; .--''' 46 | | | 47 .-=|| | |=-. 48 `-=#$%&%$#=-' 49 | ; :| 50 _____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____ 51% 52 FROM THE DESK OF 53 Dorothy Gale 54 55 Auntie Em: 56 Hate you. 57 Hate Kansas. 58 Taking the dog. 59 Dorothy 60% 61 FROM THE DESK OF 62 Rapunzel 63 64Dear Prince: 65 66 Use ladder tonight -- 67 you're splitting my ends. 68% 69 SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT 70 71Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible? 72Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth 73 74 ABSTRACT 75 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying 76the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem 77of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas 78of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi- 79bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size 80pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that 81there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program 82to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable 83functions. 84 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar. 85This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues. 86 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played. 87% 88 UNIX Trix 89 90For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will 91save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your 92next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd 93to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they 94forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct 95the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea 96either. If you need some help, give us a call. 97 98 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems 99% 100 ___====-_ _-====___ 101 _--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_ 102 -~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_ 103 -############// |\^^/| \\############- 104 _~############// (O||O) \\############~_ 105 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ 106 -###############\\ (oo) //###############- 107 -#################\\ / `' \ //#################- 108 -###################\\/ () \//###################- 109 _#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_ 110 |/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \| 111 ` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| ' 112 ` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '<||> ' 113 ( | |()| | )\ /|/ 114 __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/ 115 (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/ 116% 117 DELETE A FORTUNE! 118Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! 119Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system? 120You can! Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most, 121and we'll make sure it gets expunged. 122% 123 It's grad exam time... 124COMPUTER SCIENCE 125 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating 126system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert 127this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are 128bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the 129new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.) 130 131MATHEMATICS 132 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long 133it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the 134length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1. 135 136GENERAL KNOWLEDGE 137Describe the Universe. Give three examples. 138% 139 It's grad exam time... 140MEDICINE 141 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a 142bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has 143been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.) 144 145HISTORY 146 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present 147day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, 148economic, religious and philisophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and 149Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific. 150 151BIOLOGY 152 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture 153if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with 154special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. 155% 156 Pittsburgh driver's test 15710: Potholes are 158 a) extremely dangerous. 159 b) patriotic. 160 c) the fault of the previous administration. 161 d) all going to be fixed next summer. 162The correct answer is b. 163Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes 164are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car 165you have nothing to worry about. 166% 167 Pittsburgh driver's test 1682: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should 169 a) stop immediately. 170 b) proceed slowly through the intersection. 171 c) blow the horn. 172 d) floor it. 173The correct answer is d. 174If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point. 175% 176 Pittsburgh driver's test 1773: When stopped at an intersection you should 178 a) watch the traffic light for your lane. 179 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street. 180 c) blow the horn. 181 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street. 182The correct answer is d. 183You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting 184street turns yellow. 185Answer c is worth a half point. 186% 187 Pittsburgh driver's test 1884: Exhaust gas is 189 a) beneficial. 190 b) not harmful. 191 c) toxic. 192 d) a punk band. 193The correct answer is b. 194The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise 195are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where 196you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.) 197% 198 Pittsburgh driver's test 1995: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment. 200 How often should you test it? 201 a) once a year. 202 b) once a month. 203 c) once a day. 204 d) once an hour. 205The correct answer is d. 206You should test your car's horn at least once every hour, 207and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods. 208% 209 Pittsburgh driver's test 2107: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light 211 but a steady left tail light. 212 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your 213 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. 214 b) The driver is signaling a right turn. 215 c) The driver is signaling a left turn. 216 d) The driver is from out of town. 217The correct answer is d. 218Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. 219% 220 Pittsburgh driver's test 2218: Pedestrians are 222 a) irrelevant. 223 b) communists. 224 c) a nuisance. 225 d) difficult to clean off the front grille. 226The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they 227are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them 228completely. 229% 230 Pittsburgh driver's test 2319: Roads are salted in order to 232 a) kill grass. 233 b) melt snow. 234 c) help the economy. 235 d) prevent potholes. 236The correct answer is c. 237Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more 238indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important, 239salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and 240steel industries. 241% 242 243 ( /\__________/\ ) 244 \(^ @___..___@ ^)/ 245 /\ (\/\/\/\/) /\ 246 / \(/\/\/\/\)/ \ 247 -( """""""""" ) 248 \ _____ / 249 ( /( )\ ) 250 _) (_V) (V_) (_ 251 (V)(V)(V) (V)(V)(V) 252 253% 254 ___====-_ _-====___ 255 _--~~~#####// \\#####~~~--_ 256 _-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_ 257 -############// :\^^/: \\############- 258 _~############// (@::@) \\############~_ 259 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ 260 -###############\\ (^^) //###############- 261 -#################\\ / "" \ //#################- 262 -###################\\/ \//###################- 263 _#/:##########/\######( /\ )######/\##########:\#_ 264 :/ :#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##\ : : /##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#: \: 265 " :/ V V " V \#\: : : :/#/ V " V V \: " 266 " " " " \ : : : : / " " " " 267% 268 Has your family tried 'em? 269 270 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 271 272 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! 273 274 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons 275 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. 276 277 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 278 279 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of 280 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark 281 stains that indicate freshness. 282% 283 Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions: 2841) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 2852) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 2863) You don't know. Neither does your boss. 2874) Who cares? 2885) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana, 289 submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. Unfortunately, I lost it. 2906) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not telling! Suffer! Ha-ha-ha!! 2917) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of my 292 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom 293 supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books). 294% 295 Hard Copies and Chmod 296 297And everyone thinks computers are impersonal 298cold diskdrives hardware monitors 299user-hostile software 300 301of course they're only bits and bytes 302and characters and strings 303and files 304 305just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend 306telling me he loves me and 307he'll take care of me 308 309simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory 310deep intimate secrets and 311how he doesn't trust me 312 313couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould 314on personal stationery 315 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu 316% 317 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE 318Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the 319margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit 320will be given to candidates who self-actualise. 321 322 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why 323neither has street credibility. 324 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting 325on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner 326city. 327 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked 328into a black hole. 329 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist 330ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult. 331 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics. 332 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing 333up of western dualism? 334 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss. 335% 336 OUTCONERR 337Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes 338 Did logzerneg the ifthen block 339All kludgy were the function flows 340 And subroutines adhoc. 341 342Beware the runtime-bug my friend 343 squrooneg, the false goto 344Beware the infiniteloop 345 And shun the inprectoo. 346% 347 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 3481. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a 349 nuclear bomb, use the stairs. 3502. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll 351 when you hit the ground. 3523. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 3534. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead 354 to psychological problems. 3555. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize 356 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, 357 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 3586. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs 359 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 3607. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles. 3618. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be 362 staggering illegally. 3639. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more 364 sanitary due to limited circulation. 36510. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short 366 supply on D-Day. 367% 368 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance 369The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system 370in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an 371Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four 372fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the 373Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on 374target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable. 375If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal 376computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip 377through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do 378to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines 379for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can 380take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied 381into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit 382computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup, 383they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what 384Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home 385a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons. 386 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984 387% 388 The Split-Atom Blues 389Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, 390 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline... 391But if you split those atoms fine, 392 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! 393Gimme zits, take my dough, 394 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll... 395Call the devil and sell my soul, 396 But Mama keep dem atoms whole! 397 -- Milo Bloom 398% 399 THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM 400 401If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution 402of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support. 403Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of 404you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal 405cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase 406to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between 407midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to 408`fortune'. Just type in your favorite pithy fortune. Do it now before you 409forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss 410out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or 411more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly 412program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune 413Hunter" coffee mug! 414% 415 What I Did During My Fall Semester 416On the first day of my fall semester, I got up. 417Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 418Then I hung out in front of the Dover. 419 420On the second day of my fall semester, I got up. 421Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 422Then I hung out in front of the Dover. 423 424On the third day of my fall semester, I got up. 425Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 426I found a thesis topic: 427 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover. 428 -- Sister Mary Elephant, 429 "Student Statement for Black Friday" 430% 431 1/2 432 /\(3) 433 | 2 1/3 434 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e ) 435 | 436 \/ 1 437 438The integral of z squared, dz 439From 1 to the square root of 3 440 Times the cosine 441 Of 3 PI over nine 442Is the log of the cube root of e 443% 444 (1/2) 445 / 3 446 | 2 3 x 3.14 (1/2) 447 | z dz cos (--------) = ln(e ) 448 / 1 9 449 450The integral, from one to root three, 451Of z to the second dz, 452 Times the cosine 453 Of 3 pi over nine 454Is the log of the third root of e. 455% 456 THE DAILY PLANET 457 458 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT! 459 Plans to "Eat it later" 460% 461 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING *** 462 463Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical 464terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into 465the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' 466School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. 467They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day. 468With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code 469and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language 470in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a 471computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what 472you should blame when you make a mistake. 473 474 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer. 475 I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of 476 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) 477 478*** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. *** 479% 480 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? *** 481Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical 482terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into 483the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' 484School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. 485 486 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? *** 487Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can 488help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and 489enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month. 490 491 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST *** 492To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to 493try this simple test: 494 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters 495 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF). 496 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill? 497 3: What is the state capital of Idaho? 498If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked 499them, you may have a future as a computer programmer. 500% 501 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES *** 502 503Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of 504programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized 505form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a 506winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I 507sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine. 508Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management 509program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he 510was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in 511his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could 512have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains 513in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll 514be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which 515can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate 516yourself in the morning. 517% 518 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's 519personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the 520best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. 521Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking 522soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a 523reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their 524table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is 525not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous 526crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their 527beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant 528wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of 529Liza Minnelli. 530 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 531% 532 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it. 533% 534 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2 535 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0 536 7 537 538A dozen, a gross and a score, 539Plus three times the square root of four, 540 Divided by seven, 541 Plus five times eleven, 542Equals nine squared plus zero, no more! 543% 544 7,140 pounds on the Sun 545 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars 546 255 pounds on Earth 547 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus 548 43 pounds on the Moon 549 648 pounds on Jupiter 550 275 pounds on Saturn 551 303 pounds on Neptune 552 13 pounds on Pluto 553 554 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places 555 in the solar system. 556% 557 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of 558the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed 559the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to 560another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back 561and forth. 562 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case 563of carp-to-carp walleting." 564% 565 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing 566the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them 567missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in 568his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that 569work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump 570flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. 571 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two 572events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the 573dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously: 574"Have you seen my parakeet?" 575% 576 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when 577a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the 578foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I 579have what I think is a pretty good act." 580 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to 581the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top. 582Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping 583his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little 584man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles, 585performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive 586from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside 587the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time. 588 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?" 589 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird 590imitations?" 591% 592 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating 593his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said 594the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." 595 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the 596toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". 597% 598 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about 599whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they 600got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The 601medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's 602rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." 603 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden 604itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden 605and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." 606 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then 607commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" 608% 609 A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a 610buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and 611the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the 612boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks 613the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if, 614the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if 615they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't. 616 Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the 617farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of 618frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling 619in the mud. 620 Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I 621don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check 622today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh. 623 "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?" 624 "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in 625the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!" 626% 627 A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for 628her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her 629looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured 630sadly, "runneth over." 631 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio, 632the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?" 633"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete." 634% 635 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods. 636After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears, 637one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed 638the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole. 639 "What do you think?" said the the first ranger. 640 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second. 641% 642 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical 643island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that 644could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They 645were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of 646the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to 647the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head 648downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the 649charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two 650men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner. 651Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with 652blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could 653only blurt out, "What happened?" 654 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the 655ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I 656grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left 657hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of 658the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down 659to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?" 660% 661 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved 662dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his 663brother and inquires after his pet. 664 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. 665 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," 666he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way 667of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got 668outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a 669corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" 670 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." 671 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? 672How's Mom?" 673 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got 674outside one day..." 675% 676 A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman? 677I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it." 678 A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that 679be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer." 680 "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my 681dog's stuck in its throat." 682% 683 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three 684days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted. 685 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a 686long-distance caw. 687 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a 688new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?" 689 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one coloossal disaster after another 690finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's 691the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week. 692% 693 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2. 694 The housewife replied, "Four!". 695 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures 696through my spread sheet one more time." 697 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a 698hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" 699% 700 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had 701made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he 702would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the 703lawyer. 704 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this 705state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, 706I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay." 707 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. 708 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it 709and exclaim, "That's Strange!" 710% 711 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to 712the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey." 713 The bartender ignores him. 714 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey." 715 Still ignored. 716 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!" 717 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the 718leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain. 719 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots, 720jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the 721saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, 722"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw." 723% 724 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points 725to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs. 726 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement 727and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and 728French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird 729and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and 730German, can knit and can curse in Latin. 731 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is 732told, "that one is 150,000." 733 "Why, what can it do?" he asks. 734 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't 735do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary." 736 -- being told in Poland, 1987 737% 738 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master, 739Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the 740wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student. 741 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a 742pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new 743disciples." 744 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened. 745% 746 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, 747shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her 748that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, 749soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number. 750 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She 751agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was. 752Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers 753-- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army 754knife! 755 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the 756afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment 757he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it 758for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't 759help but see was full of Swiss Army knives. 760 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many. 761 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that 762won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!" 763% 764 A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a 765terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at 766Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got 767homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've 768got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress 769who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends." 770 The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss 771something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all." 772 "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week." 773% 774 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, 775"Do you serve lawyers here?". 776 "Sure do," replied the bartender. 777 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for 778my 'gator." 779% 780 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path. 781 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police 782during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he 783was making a bolt for the door. 784 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the 785house of seven gobbles. 786 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his 787wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer." 788 A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic. 789 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills. 790Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max." 791% 792 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the 793program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer 794promptly replied. 795 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully, 796how long will it take?" 797 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish 798to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said. 799 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be 800satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete." 801 The programmer agreed to this. 802 Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his 803retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal. 804He had been programming all night. 805 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 806% 807 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him 808invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the 809manager retained his job. 810 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer 811refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting 812concept, and thus I expect no reward." 813 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he 814holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an 815employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!" 816 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist 817so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste 818everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on." 819 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 820% 821 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements 822document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will 823it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?" 824 "It will take one year," said the master promptly. 825 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it 826take it I assign ten programmers to it?" 827 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years." 828 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?" 829 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be 830completed," he said. 831 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 832% 833 A manger went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your 834work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave 835at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several 836resigned on the spot. 837 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own 838working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The 839programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee 840hours of the morning. 841 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 842% 843 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master 844noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me", 845he said, "may I examine it?" 846 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master. 847"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium, 848and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play, 849where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the 850human." 851 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this 852mysterious setting?" 853 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot. 854And suddenly the novice was enlightened. 855 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 856% 857 A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. 858"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," 859said the master. 860 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. 861 "It is," came the reply. 862 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. 863 "It is even in a video game," said the master. 864 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" 865 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson 866is over for today.", he said. 867 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 868% 869 A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices, 870"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," 871said the master. 872 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. 873 "It is," came the reply. 874 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. 875 "It is even in a video game," said the master. 876 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" 877 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is 878over for today," he said. 879 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 880% 881 A MODERN FABLE 882 883Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory 884far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message 885with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit 886today's minute attention span. 887 888 The Troubled Aardvark 889 890Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was 891driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house 892in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and 893unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled 894children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and 895his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its 896pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any 897personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a 898wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only 899course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he 900drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods. 901 902MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers. 903 -- Tom Annau 904% 905 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at 906the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the 907pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite 908nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..." 909 "If what?" asked the composer. 910 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" 911% 912 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which 913removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to 914doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous 915amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware 916limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the 917larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient 918power-down sequence. 919 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the 920building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has 921bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer 922cool. 923% 924 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, 925documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of 926the best programmers in the world. Why is this?" 927 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has 928gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system 929crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the 930need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He 931has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within 932themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has 933entered the mystery of the Tao." 934 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 935% 936 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and 937sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally 938baffled. What is the reason for this?" 939 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand 940the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why 941do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers 942simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect. 943 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal. 944Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment." 945 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the 946novice. 947 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master. 948 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 949% 950 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is 951much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant 952among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business. 953Why is this so?" 954 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That 955company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody 956would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a 957servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one 958of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort." 959 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 960% 961 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure 962that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with 963vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying 964'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new 965names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an 966unnatural entity exist?" 967 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are 968disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from 969its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming 970beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?" 971 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 972% 973 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial 974package. 975 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master 976reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set 977of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface, 978but not the slightest mention of anything financial. 979 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant. 980"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually." 981 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 982% 983 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the 984power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly, 985"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding 986of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The 987machine worked. 988% 989 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost 990in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they 991noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily. 992 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the 993party. He walked out into the night. 994 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to 995be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him, 996too. 997 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned 998to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to 999save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by 1000the wolf pack. 1001 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun. 1002He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds 1003has killed them all. 1004 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others 1005went out to be killed? 1006 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket. 1007He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many." 1008% 1009 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon 1010two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what 1011I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". 1012 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, 1013he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." 1014% 1015 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a 1016strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained 1017throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless 1018loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming 1019rigidity. 1020 A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this 1021law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the 1022way that astonishes him least. 1023 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The 1024program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward 1025appearances. 1026 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of 1027disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the 1028program. 1029 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1030% 1031 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software 1032conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort 1033of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were 1034unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their 1035clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality suites and they 1036made rude noises during my presentation." 1037 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference. 1038Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd, 1039an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations. 1040Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother 1041with social conventions?" 1042 "They are alive within the Tao." 1043 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1044% 1045 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter 1046carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're 1047doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endagered species list?" 1048 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag, 1049which contained twelve more loons. 1050 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked. 1051 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage." 1052 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?" 1053 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan." 1054% 1055 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor 1056recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill 1057his wellness potential." 1058 1059 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal 1060of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors." 1061 1062 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti- 1063personnel devices." You probably call them bombs. 1064 1065 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian 1066mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired. 1067 1068 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls 1069of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) 1070only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling 1071of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an 1072unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice 1073touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad 1074experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his 1075pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously 1076sent him. 1077 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) 1078% 1079 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator, 1080"This is a parson to parson call." 1081 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free 1082Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over." 1083 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great 1084deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is. 1085 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family 1086often doesn't have a legacy to stand on. 1087 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was 1088caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow. 1089 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for 1090granite. 1091% 1092 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt. 1093As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible 1094eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn 1095under the kilt?" 1096 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you 1097SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did 1098really want to know. 1099 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn 1100under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!" 1101% 1102 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it, 1103realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't 1104see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio 1105group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing 1106that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit, 1107it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing. 1108 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical 1109work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator 1110Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth 1111dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to 1112another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets 1113the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor 1114requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire 1115going to it is so large. 1116 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas 1117electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is 1118British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water, 1119British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and 1120I might add Brititsh tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks 1121secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke. 1122 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School 1123% 1124 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to 1125Maddona, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star. 1126 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best 1127friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she 1128had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today 1129and I've been telling it to the Maureens." 1130 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene 1131from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed 1132Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille." 1133% 1134 A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were 1135to die, would you remarry?" 1136 After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in 1137this marriage and I would want to be this happy again." 1138 The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" 1139 "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." 1140 "Well, would you live in this house?" 1141 "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. 1142I've always loved it here." 1143 "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" 1144 "No." 1145 "Why not?" 1146 "She's left handed." 1147% 1148 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened 1149to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the 1150sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. 1151"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. 1152Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" 1153 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler. 1154 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by 1155a snake?" 1156 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I 1157am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then 1158suck the poison from the wound." 1159 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on 1160a rattler?" persisted the woman. 1161 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn 1162who my real friends are." 1163% 1164 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride 1165and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the 1166child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech 1167therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused 1168to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading 1169the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from 1170his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold." 1171 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son, 1172after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?". 1173 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now". 1174% 1175 ACHTUNG!!! 1176Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy 1177schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit 1178spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das 1179rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und 1180vatch das blinkenlights!!! 1181% 1182 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home 1183directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the 1184Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the 1185edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp. 1186 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more 1187wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious." 1188 -- DECWARS 1189% 1190 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in 1191 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they 1192would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his 1193favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted 1194camp chores. 1195 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and, 1196 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to 1197discussing abtruse theological problems with him, and each evening the 1198children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed. 1199Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was 1200ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them. 1201 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend 1202Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly 1203interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for 1204a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own 1205cattle. We shall bury him in it." 1206 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?" 1207 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!" 1208 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not 1209realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!" 1210 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand 1211 Feghoot!" 1212% 1213 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient 1214earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several 1215minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. 1216 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a 1217name for my baby." 1218 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds 1219of first names and their meanings," said the orderly. 1220 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first 1221name." 1222% 1223 All that you touch, And all you create, 1224 All that you see, And all you destroy, 1225 All that you taste, All that you do, 1226 All you feel, And all you say, 1227 And all that you love, All that you eat, 1228 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet, 1229 All you distrust, All that you slight, 1230 All you save, And everyone you fight, 1231 And all that you give, And all that is now, 1232 And all that you deal, And all that is gone, 1233 All that you buy, And all that's to come, 1234 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is 1235 in tune, 1236 But the sun is eclipsed 1237 By the moon. 1238 1239There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark. 1240 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon" 1241% 1242 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission 1243with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely 1244years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds 1245or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. 1246wife. They approve. 1247 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I 1248want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut 1249thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of 1250the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it. 1251 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside 1252to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been 1253up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The 1254Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely 1255perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're 1256impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches 1257the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and 1258screams: "Anybody got a match?" 1259% 1260 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He 1261 knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully 1262and with great restraint. 1263 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and 1264 embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get 1265stored away to be used "next time." Sooner or later the first system 1266is finished, and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated 1267mastery of that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. 1268 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. 1269When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will 1270confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, 1271and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that 1272are particular and not generalizable. 1273 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using 1274all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first 1275one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile." 1276 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 1277% 1278 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows 1279he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great 1280restraint. 1281 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment 1282after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next 1283time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, 1284with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, 1285is ready to build a second system. 1286 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When 1287he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each 1288other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences 1289will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not 1290generalizable. 1291 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all 1292the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. 1293The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". 1294% 1295 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her 1296porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She 1297picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie 1298tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires. 1299 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and 1300beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful, 1301voluptuous woman. 1302 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich 1303for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are 1304stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch. 1305 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?" 1306 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my 1307faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young 1308handsome prince!" 1309 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall, 1310handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform. 1311 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to 1312the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me 1313fixed?" 1314% 1315 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat 1316is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and 1317announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage. 1318 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard 1319all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a 1320piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!" 1321 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs 1322"Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an 1323outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to 1324this head and pulls the trigger. 1325 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat 1326again?" 1327 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets." 1328 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987 1329% 1330 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals. 1331The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about 1332to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be 1333used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be 1334woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up 1335and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched 1336over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people, 1337and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife." 1338 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen", 1339while plunging the knife into his heart. 1340 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, 1341"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart. 1342 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, 1343while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!" 1344% 1345 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a 1346great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. 1347I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. 1348I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but 1349I have not been enlightened. What should I do?" 1350 Otis replied, "Give up suffering." 1351 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1352% 1353 And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord 1354bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies 1355to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast 1356upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and 1357breakfast cereals and fruit bats and... 1358 (skip a bit brother...) 1359 Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou 1360take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. 1361Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count 1362shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting 1363that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number 1364three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand 1365Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall 1366snuff it. 1367 -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments" 1368% 1369 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" 1370asked the father of his little son. 1371 "Diet." 1372% 1373 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best 1374to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the 1375posh hotel. 1376 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman. 1377 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked. 1378 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me 1379a postcard?" 1380% 1381 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?" 1382 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nightime." 1383 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime." 1384 "That was the curious incident." 1385 -- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze" 1386% 1387 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen 1388preaching to a group of disciples. 1389 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating 1390the absolute reality of --" 1391 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!" 1392 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he 1393vaporized. 1394 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued 1395with the spirit of the morning. 1396 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks, 1397"Thou art That..." 1398 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!" 1399 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk, 1400and he vaporized. 1401 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our 1402enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow 1403soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?" 1404 "US?" snapped Hakuin. 1405 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the 1406Governor, and he vaporized. 1407 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with 1408his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!" 1409% 1410 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy 1411for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I 1412am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab 1413you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your 1414friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying: 1415 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better* 1416for doing it." 1417 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone" 1418% 1419 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from 1420Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head 1421under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. 1422% 1423 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and 1424 took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of 1425his followers. 1426 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and 1427there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. 1428 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his 1429commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your 1430Purpose in Life, anyway?" 1431 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The 1432Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) 1433 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. 1434 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. 1435 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1436% 1437 better !pout !cry 1438 better watchout 1439 lpr why 1440 santa claus < north pole > town 1441 1442 cat /etc/passwd > list 1443 ncheck list 1444 ncheck list 1445 cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist 1446 cat list | grep nice > giftlist 1447 santa claus < north pole > town 1448 1449 who | grep sleeping 1450 who | grep awake 1451 who | grep bad || good 1452 for (goodness sake) { 1453 be good 1454 } 1455% 1456 Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design. 1457Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas guage, nor 1458any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. 1459Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the 1460center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will 1461usually know what's wrong." 1462% 1463 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November, 1464and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the 1465boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't 1466look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier. 1467 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his 1468teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to 1469the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do". 1470 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now, 1471Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now 1472what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your 1473clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all 1474get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up. 1475You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die." 1476 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the 1477pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered. 1478 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die." 1479% 1480 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in 1481the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were 1482still five feet between rails. 1483 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, 1484in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May 1485of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the 1486axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which 1487could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set, 1488great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one 1489rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its 1490new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate 1491over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere 1492was possible. 1493 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957 1494% 1495 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees 1496along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild! 1497Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!" 1498 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks 1499would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" 1500 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like 1501to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" 1502 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no, 1503I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it." 1504 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a 1505whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it." 1506 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try 1507it some other time, Carrie." 1508 She gave it up. 1509 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street" 1510% 1511 Chapter VIII 1512Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, 1513Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe 1514like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again. 1515% 1516 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted 1517in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more 1518owls." 1519 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 1520% 1521 COONDOG MEMORY 1522 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago) 1523 1524Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as 1525old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot. 1526For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and 1527is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to 1528try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made 1529two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set 1530back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods, 1531come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air, 1532run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had 1533something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them 1534up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my 1535neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she 1536stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my 1537coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon 1538skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up. 1539Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow 1540was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the 1541air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the 1542Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog 1543is for sale. 1544 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly 1545% 1546 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the 1547functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that 1548the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free. 1549 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the 1550diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and 1551square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the 1552date of purchase. 1553 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS 1554DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING 1555ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR 1556CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES. 1557 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual 1558% 1559 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule 1560 1561 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High 1562 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 1563 Sept 28 Blind Academy 1564 Sept 30 World War I Veterans 1565 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041 1566 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders 1567 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir 1568 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic 1569 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees 1570 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients 1571% 1572 "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll 1573be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?" 1574% 1575 "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are 1576married?" 1577 He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so. 1578I've always been especially fond of married women." 1579% 1580 Deck us all with Boston Charlie, 1581 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! 1582 Nora's freezin' on the trolley, 1583 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! 1584 1585 Don't we know archaic barrel, 1586 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. 1587 Trolley Molly don't love Harold, 1588 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! 1589 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie" 1590% 1591 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a 1592white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine. 1593 1594Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17) 1595 1596p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns? 1597 Or is Vaseline better? 1598% 1599 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, 1600sincerely, extremely dangerously. 1601 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. 1602They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used 1603intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. 1604They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They 1605used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the 1606bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. 1607They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. 1608They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. 1609 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" 1610% 1611 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether 1612at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or 1613"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such 1614experiences today. Here is his account of what happened: 1615 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination 1616to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the 1617thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal 1618march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a 1619sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment. 1620The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all 1621human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has 1622sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth 1623all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the 1624knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered 1625my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling 1626characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness. 1627The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder): 1628`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'" 1629 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs 1630% 1631 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had 1632him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon. 1633 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. 1634She's a women who conks to stupor. 1635 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a 1636man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker." 1637 It's not the inital skirt length, it's the upcreep. 1638 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with 1639bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins. 1640% 1641 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were 1642blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face 1643country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost 1644hit my wife." 1645 "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot 1646at mine, over there." 1647% 1648 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times. 1649At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly 1650after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, 1651"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so 1652charming a wife." 1653% 1654 Everthing is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as 1655far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for 1656the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to. 1657 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old 1658days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers? 1659 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everbody 1660speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them. 1661 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips 1662and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the 1663sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller. 1664 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to 1665be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older 1666than I am. 1667 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much 1668that she didn't recognize me. 1669 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair 1670this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now, 1671they don't even make good mirrors like they used to. 1672 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed" 1673% 1674 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping 1675mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as 1676"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you 1677how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", 1678"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night 1679So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. 1680 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 1681% 1682 Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the 1683humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and 1684rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the 1685seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs. 1686The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face. 1687 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to 1688aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like, 1689but Exxon has decided they smelled bad. 1690 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled 1691message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this, 1692but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with 1693energy policy and neither do you." 1694 -- P.J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell" 1695% 1696 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be 1697replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the 1698alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch' 1699formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling, 1700so that 'which' and 'one' would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might 1701well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear 4 might fiks the 'g-j' 1702anomali wonse and for all. 1703 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with 1704Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so 1705modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai 1706Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez 1707'c', 'y' and 'x' - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu 1708riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli. 1709 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a 1710lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. 1711% 1712 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: 1713"of course you know what 'it' means." 1714 1715 "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing," 1716said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm. 1717 1718The question is, what did the archbishop find?" 1719% 1720 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as 1721usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular 1722evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals, 1723such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese." 1724 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, 1725and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four 1726fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities... 1727 At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded 1728in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second 1729professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others 1730nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'" 1731 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor 1732remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of 1733the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your 1734thoughts?" 1735 Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'" 1736% 1737 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance. 1738"What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place." 1739 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these 1740stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts 1741that get on my nerves, it's the jerks." 1742 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same 1743time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they 1744had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll 1745teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too." 1746 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from 1747his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp. 1748 A young husband with an inferiorty complex insisted he was just a 1749little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to 1750save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." 1751% 1752 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their 1753engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who 1754was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy 1755and sarcastic?" 1756 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. 1757 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." 1758% 1759 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an 1760extracurricular activity except you." 1761 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" 1762 "Only to ten, Mudhead." 1763% 1764 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning 1765to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this 1766beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a 1767dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little 1768apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours 1769in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" 1770% 1771 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their 1772differences once and for all. 1773 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just 1774where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" 1775% 1776 Graduating seniors, parents and friends... 1777 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up 1778to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness. 1779 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the 1780text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism. 1781 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured 1782the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to 1783expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic. 1784 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric 1785perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed 1786denigrating to the political consensus of the moment. 1787 1788 Thank you and good luck. 1789 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech. 1790% 1791 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there 1792may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system. 1793Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others, 1794even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and 1795aggressive persons, for they are sales reps. 1796 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised, 1797for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched. 1798Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real 1799hassle and could change your fortunes in time. 1800 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of 1801bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive 1802for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for 1803proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical 1804about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed. 1805 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass 1806them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield 1807you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings 1808-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the 1809Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0. 1810 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you 1811can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken 1812line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive 1813to stay employed. 1814 -- Technolorata, "Analog" 1815% 1816 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed 1817his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns 1818verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his 1819thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he 1820had actually implicationed. 1821 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian 1822leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent 1823since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first." 1824 -- The Guardian 1825% 1826 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You 1827are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous 1828and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking 1829to conquer the world. 1830 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and 1831hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao 1832lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does 1833not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seeks fortune, 1834for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." 1835 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. 1836 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1837% 1838 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home 1839from the club to an irate, ranting wife. 1840 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You 1841promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost 1842nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf." 1843 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised 1844you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off 1845right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on 1846the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't 1847find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for 1848the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... 1849% 1850 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. 1851No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have 1852been worse." 1853 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a 1854situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no 1855hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, 1856"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, 1857found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned 1858the gun on himself!" 1859 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse." 1860 "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly 1861have been worse?" 1862 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be 1863dead right now." 1864% 1865 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought 1866until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to 1867heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and 1868ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had 1869rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor 1870felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the 1871doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him. 1872"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will 1873right now." 1874 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing 1875out a list of people I'm going to bite!" 1876% 1877 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither 1878does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to 1879combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is 1880self-propagating. 1881 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose" 1882% 1883 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help." 1884 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already." 1885 "Do it alone?" 1886 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it." 1887 "How would that help?" 1888 "Used a whip." 1889% 1890 "Hello, Mrs. Premise!" 1891 "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?" 1892 "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat." 1893 "Four hours to bury a cat!?" 1894 "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..." 1895 "Oh, it's not dead then." 1896 "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're 1897goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be 1898on the safe side." 1899 "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento 1900to a dead cat, do you?" 1901 -- Monty Python 1902% 1903 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. 1904According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing 1905severe marketing anxiety in China. 1906 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending 1907on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". 1908 Bite the wax tadpole. 1909 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 1910 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard 1911to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax 1912tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad 1913satiric vistas do not open up. 1914 -- John Carrol, The San Francisco Chronicle 1915% 1916 Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled 1917with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John 1918Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't 1919define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the 1920court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to 1921Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't 1922it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when 1923his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an 1924enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a 1925ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except 1926that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about 1927it because the court was going to take a nap. 1928 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 1929% 1930 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary 1931of her blonde companion. 1932 "Fishing through the ice," she replied. 1933 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?" 1934 "Olives." 1935% 1936 "How many people work here?" 1937 "Oh, about half." 1938% 1939 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 19403.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who 1941could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury. 1942 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs 1943% 1944 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy 1945social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche 1946full of money before." 1947% 1948 "How'd you get that flat?" 1949 "Ran over a bottle." 1950 "Didn't you see it?" 1951 "Damn kid had it under his coat." 1952% 1953 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into 1954the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." 1955 "Who was that?" his young wife asked. 1956 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear." 1957% 1958 I cannot read the fiery letters, said Frodo in a quavering voice. 1959 No, said Gandalf, but I can. The letters are Elvish, of course, of 1960an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter 1961here. They are lines of a verse long known in Elven-lore: 1962 1963 This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, 1964 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. 1965 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, 1966 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. 1967 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. 1968 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. 1969 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. 1970 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid). 1971 1972 -- National Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 1973% 1974 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is 1975the sky blue?" 1976 HE asked me about black holes in space. 1977 (There's a hole *where*?) 1978 1979 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?" 1980 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains. 1981 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...) 1982 1983 I talked about Choo-Choo trains. 1984 HE talked internal combustion engines. 1985 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.") 1986 1987 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete 1988as equals. 1989 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create 1990the graphics. 1991 1992 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence. 1993 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women." 1994 (Gotcha!) 1995 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child" 1996% 1997 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we 1998use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to 1999violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic, 2000is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think 2001of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call 2002each other up: 2003 You: Hello? Bob? 2004 Bob: Yes? 2005 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you 2006 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? 2007 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? 2008 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: 2009 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. 2010 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill 2011 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto 2012 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to 2013 have to get back to you. 2014 Bob: Fine. 2015 -- Dave Barry 2016% 2017 "I don't know what you mean by 'glory'," Alice said. 2018 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- 2019till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'" 2020 "But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice 2021objected. 2022 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful 2023tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less." 2024 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean 2025so many different things." 2026 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master -- 2027that's all." 2028% 2029 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the 2030accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For 2031the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that 2032can't be measured in monetary terms. 2033 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to 2034have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came 2035by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot 2036should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly 2037understand his long delay. 2038% 2039 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me. 2040I think very probably he might be cured." 2041 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob. 2042 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor. 2043 The elders murmured assent. 2044 "Now, what affects it?" 2045 "Ah!" said old Yacob. 2046 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer 2047things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft 2048depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way 2049as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and 2050his eyelids move, and cosequently his brain is in a state of constant 2051irritation and distraction." 2052 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?" 2053 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order 2054to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical 2055operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies." 2056 "And then he will be sane?" 2057 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen." 2058 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob. 2059 -- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind" 2060% 2061 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments 2062of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use 2063of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such 2064as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive", 2065"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me 2066at present". 2067 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied 2068myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him 2069immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by 2070observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, 2071but in the present case there appeared or semed to me some difference, etc. 2072 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the 2073conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I 2074proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction. 2075I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily 2076prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I 2077happened to be in the right. 2078 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin 2079% 2080 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked 2081me to cry. 2082 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better 2083to weep." 2084 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come 2085back; I would be nice." 2086 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always." 2087 "Oh, not enough." 2088 "Nobody can give anybody enough." 2089 "Not ever?" 2090 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying." 2091 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?" 2092 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had 2093valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine. 2094 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs" 2095% 2096 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and 2097asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. 2098That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten 2099over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two 2100arrests. 2101 "Not a very impressive record," I offered. 2102 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what 2103these complaints represent?" 2104 "What do they represent?" I asked. 2105 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly, 2106closing the book. 2107 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will" 2108% 2109 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path, 2110including beets, rutabegas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams, 2111as I am absolutely terrified of yams... 2112 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many 2113of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands 2114and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow. 2115My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence, 2116when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers 2117into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields, 2118pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving 2119into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may 2120explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every 2121time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally 2122deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists. 2123% 2124 I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, 2125"What'll you have, Bud"? 2126 I said," I don't know, surprise me". 2127 So he showed me a nude picture of my wife. 2128 -- Rodney Dangerfield 2129% 2130 If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction. 2131 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, 2132that is also a psychological interaction. 2133 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not 2134so friendly. 2135 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. 2136 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 2137% 2138 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the 2139operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler 2140is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then 2141the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world. 2142 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth 2143to the assembler. 2144 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand 2145languages. 2146 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language 2147expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within 2148the tao. 2149 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it. 2150% 2151 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of 2152everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then 2153we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf. 2154 Both those things sound pretty good to me. 2155 -- Sparky Anderson 2156% 2157 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you 2158brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled- 2159up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and 2160repeat the sequence. 2161 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to 2162hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it 2163again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around 2164your own apartment? 2165 -- William S. Burroughs 2166% 2167 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing 2168means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is 2169somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all." 2170 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with 2171them, or something?" 2172 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was 2173lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or 2174not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming." 2175 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?" 2176 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service 2177you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case 2178it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings 2179would destroy the whole point of it." 2180 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49" 2181% 2182 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the 2183young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me. 2184I'm on my way." 2185 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!" 2186% 2187 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the 2188right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document 2189library and I'm half way through the second cabnet, (3 shelves to go), so I 2190should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it 2191was by the time I find it. 2192 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe 2193"The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except 2194that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder 2195pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left 2196blank." 2197 -- Alex Crain 2198% 2199 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, 2200Junior, what are you up to?" 2201 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the 2202rabbit. 2203 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one 2204will publish such rubbish!" 2205 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." 2206 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the 2207rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a 2208wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?" 2209 "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour 2210wolves." 2211 "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?" 2212 "Come with me and I'll show you." 2213 As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face 2214and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave 2215and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge 2216lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody 2217remnants of the wolf and the fox. 2218 2219 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are 2220important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts. 2221% 2222 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to 2223his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's 2224kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment 2225was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc. 2226Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News, 2227Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess 2228of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers 2229and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure 2230out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value 2231to product." 2232 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has 223310 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200 2234lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of 2235pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have 2236been an efficiency expert? 2237 -- Motor Trend, May 1983 2238% 2239 In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be 2240mud." 2241 And there was mud. 2242 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud 2243can see what we have done." 2244 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was 2245man. Mud-as-man alone could speak. 2246 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely. 2247 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God. 2248 "Certainly," said man. 2249 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God. 2250 And He went away. 2251 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu" 2252% 2253 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and 2254null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of 2255IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there 2256be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they 2257carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called 2258the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was 2259evening and there was morning, one interrupt. 2260 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk" 2261% 2262 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by 2263the Great Mathamatical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to 2264large numbers and prospered. 2265 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far 2266as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that 2267was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ... 2268until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox. 2269 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge 2270structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed 2271out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when 2272they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all suprises! they could not 2273understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought 2274amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the 2275Topologists remain the original Mathematicians. 2276 -- The Story of Babel 2277% 2278 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time. 2279Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming. 2280 2281 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of 2282time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always 2283have enough time and space to accomplish their goals. 2284 How could it be otherwise? 2285 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2286% 2287 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he 2288sat hacking at the PDP-6. 2289 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. 2290 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." 2291 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky. 2292 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play". 2293 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do 2294you close your eyes?" 2295 "So that the room will be empty." 2296 At that momment, Sussman was enlightened. 2297% 2298 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It 2299changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When this 2300bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. 2301This message it drops into the midst of the program mers, like a seagull 2302making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with 2303the blue sky at its back, returns home. 2304 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands 2305it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears 2306its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he 2307does not know that the bird has come and gone. 2308 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2309% 2310 In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads 2311 In the evening, floating in the soup. 2312(chorus): 2313Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads; 2314Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! 2315 You can ask them anything you want to. 2316 They won't answer; they can't talk. 2317(chorus): 2318 I took a fish head out to see a movie, 2319 Didn't have to pay to get it in. 2320(chorus): 2321 They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters; 2322 They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums. 2323(chorus): 2324 Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in 2325 Italian restaurants with Oriental women. 2326(chorus): 2327 Fishy! 2328(chorus): 2329 -- Fish Heads 2330% 2331 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa 2332to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to 2333like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely 2334baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough. 2335Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has 2336achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than 2337right any day." 2338 "And are you?" 2339 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course." 2340 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good 2341life-style otherwise." 2342 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 2343% 2344 In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially 2345announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference 2346today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have 2347a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together 2348in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned 2349around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all 2350those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!" 2351 There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's 2352citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to 2353these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other 2354than a citizen bless their country?" 2355% 2356 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care 2357what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you 2358may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if 2359not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible 2360benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, 2361I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, 2362in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my 2363capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may 2364not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your 2365receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and 2366which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. 2367 Amen. 2368% 2369 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself 2370working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he 2371found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one 2372he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They 2373discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second 2374new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's 2375IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell 2376me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half 2377an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the 2378question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", 2379Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" 2380% 2381 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden 2382directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. 2383During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the 2384Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with 2385enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's 2386sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script, 2387custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore 2388freedom and games to the network... 2389 -- DECWARS 2390% 2391 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and 2392by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate 2393the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the 2394case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations 2395which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are 2396like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they 2397require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments. 2398 -- Alfred North Whitehead 2399% 2400 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will 2401not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and 2402because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature 2403human beings. 2404 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, 2405there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the 2406duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one 2407of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but 2408you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments 2409and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you. 2410 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like 2411to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic 2412response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock? 2413 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you 2414have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a 2415different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this 2416person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then 2417remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different 2418religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms. 2419 -- Playboy, January, 1983 2420% 2421 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships 2422for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences 2423change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the 2424ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year 2425after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and 2426starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes 2427a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind 2428his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much 2429he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the 2430passengers. 2431 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without 2432a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the 2433parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging 2434to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end. 2435As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to 2436the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps 2437"OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?" 2438% 2439 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air 2440balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George 2441turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We 2442need to find out where we are." 2443 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the 2444cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man 2445standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me 2446where we are?" 2447 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately 2448fifty feet in the air!" 2449 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer". 2450 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?". 2451 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally 2452useless!" 2453 2454That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about 2455George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the 2456New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". 2457% 2458 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built, 2459everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment 2460was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has 2461cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing. 2462 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never 2463really needed in the first place. 2464 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is 2465analogous to the above. 2466 -- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa 2467% 2468 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east 2469laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The 2470thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, 2471nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying 2472for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. 2473 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating 2474under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting 2475icepacks. 2476 -- "Bored of the Rings", The Harvard Lampoon 2477% 2478 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has 2479been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade. 2480 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag 2481when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was 2482Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is 2483it always me, teacher?" 2484 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher 2485explains. 2486 2487 -- being told in Poland, 1987 2488% 2489 Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of 2490her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit 2491the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her 2492way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly 2493begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her 2494stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. 2495 "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of 2496the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't 2497mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your 2498wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." 2499 "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one 2500can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." 2501 "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on 2502the dining room skylight." 2503% 2504 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she 2505lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always 2506getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to 2507the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their 2508sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do 2509you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? 2510What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead 2511of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under 2512the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. 2513They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the 2514applications for. 2515 -- Dave Barry 2516% 2517 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and 2518tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people 2519and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the 2520outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap, 2521caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants, 2522day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored. 2523 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker? 2524What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are 2525start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper. 2526Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior 2527class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a 2528movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the 2529police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go 2530home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going 2531now. They're in a band. 2532 -- Ira Kaplan 2533% 2534 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is. 2535Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh? 2536 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak 2537dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a 2538dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us 2539away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of 2540the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the 2541other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck 2542out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come 2543back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live 2544forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld. 2545 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 2546% 2547 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL 2548character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their 2549hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices 2550are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some 2551BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it 2552to him. 2553 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, 2554he met the traveling salesman. 2555 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman 2556in high-level language. 2557 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips 2558and Apples," commented Jack. 2559 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue 2560there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." 2561 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when 2562he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she 2563started thrashing. 2564 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these 2565kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the 2566window... 2567 -- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack" 2568% 2569 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode 2570into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man 2571galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!" 2572 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over 2573eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a 2574rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over 2575the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!" 2576 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man 2577guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as 2578the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and 2579smacked his lips with relish. 2580 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered. 2581 "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's 2582a-comin'." 2583% 2584 Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, 2585and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the 2586graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school. 2587 These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't 2588hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. 2589Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt someone. 2590Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good 2591for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint 2592and sing and dance and play and work some every day. 2593 Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for 2594traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the 2595little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and 2596nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and 2597hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all 2598die. So do we. 2599 And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you 2600learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in 2601there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and 2602politics and sane living. 2603 Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world 2604-- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with 2605our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other 2606nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own 2607messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into 2608the world it is best to hold hands and stick together. 2609 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I ever really needed to know I learned 2610 in kindergarten" 2611% 2612 Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to 2613do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top 2614of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school. 2615 These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. 2616Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your 2617own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you 2618hurt someone. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and 2619cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think 2620some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day 2621some. 2622 Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch 2623for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember 2624the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes 2625up and nobody really knows why, but we are all like that. 2626[...] 2627 Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole 2628world -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay 2629down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation 2630and other nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned 2631up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when 2632you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together. 2633 -- Robert Flughum 2634% 2635 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all the 2636people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son." 2637 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross. 2638 -- Spike Milligan 2639% 2640 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly 2641approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby. 2642 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as 2643to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? 2644All I have in the world is this gun." 2645% 2646 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada 2647Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The 2648company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent 2649defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time). 2650 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in 2651plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per 2652cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." 2653 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail 2654% 2655 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. 2656Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, 2657without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In 2658an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to 2659prison. 2660 They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports 2661in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get 2662them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're 2663hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced 2664to death. 2665 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll 2666be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have 2667any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in 2668Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to 2669Murray. 2670 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 2671spits in the sergeants face. 2672 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 2673 -- Arthur Naiman 2674% 2675 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wonderous continent known as 2676Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31. 2677We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in 2678Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at 26796:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by 26806:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That 2681was the biggest game we had. Africa is primerally inhabited by Elks, Moose 2682and Knights of Pithiests. 2683 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their 2684annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole, 2685which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They 2686weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole. 2687 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my 2688pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough 2689word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were 2690imbedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are 2691looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying. 2692 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. 2693So we're going back in a few years... 2694 -- Julius H. Marx 2695% 2696 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or 2697even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be 2698understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of 2699robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as 2700an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on 2701the alter of human limitations. 2702 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often 2703in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown 2704the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had 2705threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal 2706stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central 2707earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the 2708Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the 2709earth really does revolve about the sun. 2710 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 2711% 2712 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things 2713a girl should not do before twenty." 2714 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large 2715audience, either." 2716% 2717 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); 2718 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); 2719 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); 2720 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); 2721 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); 2722 2723-- Reverse the bits in a word. 2724% 2725 Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for 2726you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an 2727oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many 2728cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal committment. 2729 Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially 2730the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are 2731repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw 2732in the others. 2733 While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture 2734of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took 2735it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture. 2736 Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had 2737therapy ask if people have had therapy. 2738 Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc. 2739Assume that she bought them at a flea market. 2740 -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan 2741% 2742 NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of 2743directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip 2744Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the 2745offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the 2746true value of the company. 2747 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story. 2748Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover 2749agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of 2750their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to 2751reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to 2752reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of 2753Nazareth. 2754% 2755 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so 2756simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't 2757hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process 2758really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to 2759expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were 2760those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I 2761can't." 2762 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand." 2763 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley" 2764% 2765 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?" 2766 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea. 2767 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly. 2768"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program, 2769born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the 2770program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever 2771stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here, 2772a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other 2773times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very 2774*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the 2775program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching 2776the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can 2777stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest 2778hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. 2779"This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!" 2780% 2781 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something 2782to be avoided than harped upon. 2783 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being 2784reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might 2785just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something 2786about helping to postpone this reunion. 2787 -- Douglas Adams 2788% 2789 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out 2790of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on 2791urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will 2792put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll 2793confirm who I am. 2794 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it." 2795 -- Captain Freedom 2796% 2797 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train 2798demolished an automobile and it's occupants. Being the chief witness, his 2799testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark, 2800and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid 2801no attention to the signal. 2802 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company 2803complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said, 2804"I was afraid you would waver under testimony." 2805 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned 2806lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit." 2807% 2808 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in 2809receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's 2810income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than 2811$283 on the desk before the cashier. 2812 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That 2813route never brought in money like this! What happened?" 2814 "Well, after three days on that cockamamy route, I figured 2815business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and 2816worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" 2817% 2818 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping 2819around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a 2820grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one 2821almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe 2822found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe, 2823desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and 2824staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar. 2825Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe, 2826sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law 2827being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces. 2828 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the 2829wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!" 2830 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and 2831dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a 2832normal person?" 2833% 2834 On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum 2835to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. 2836There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning 2837alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't 2838dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is 2839saying." 2840 The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near 2841the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back 2842to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is 2843singing." 2844 "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?" 2845 "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." 2846% 2847 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people. 2848There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale 2849is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright, 2850non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do 2851several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works 2852best, write it down and make that the standard. 2853 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions 2854from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of 2855committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all 2856with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get 2857something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once. 2858 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well, 2859then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write 2860it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it 2861after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is 2862committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think 2863it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which. 2864 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI" 2865% 2866 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick 2867tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August 2868they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw 2869it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato 2870at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines, 2871heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said, 2872"You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking. 2873 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over, 2874she looked like the side of a barn. 2875 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it 2876had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it, 2877and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup, 2878when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had 2879to decide quickly. I decided. 2880 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat 2881man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after 2882faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain 2883me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a 2884good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that 2885the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing 2886a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end. 2887 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 2888% 2889 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very 2890special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old 2891traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We 2892traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we 2893see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same 2894spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after 2895week, until it led them to a parking space. 2896 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to 2897let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars 2898will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way 2899great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow 2900our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning 2901to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car, 2902which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our 2903shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and 2904go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion 2905and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it. 2906 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot 2907 Skirmish" 2908% 2909 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great 2910crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs 2911and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and 2912resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature 2913said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall 2914let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." 2915 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current 2916you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will 2917die quicker than boredom!" 2918 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at 2919once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, 2920as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the 2921bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 2922 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See 2923a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come 2924to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more 2925Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. 2926Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. 2927 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the 2928rocks, making legends of a Saviour. 2929 -- Richard Bach 2930% 2931 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his 2932time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, 2933in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make 2934dolphins live forever! 2935 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass 2936produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was 2937only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried 2938away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and 2939steal one of these birds. 2940 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was 2941escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began 2942combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down 2943on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep. 2944 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his 2945bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he 2946stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his 2947car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for 2948transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. 2949% 2950 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll 2951through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated 2952on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the 2953frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but 2954I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast 2955a spell over me and turned me into a frog." 2956 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to 2957help you break such a spell." 2958 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be 2959taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend 2960the night under her pillow." 2961 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her 2962pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure 2963enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of 2964royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day 2965her father and mother still don't believe her story. 2966% 2967 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river. 2968One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the 2969biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours, 2970until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge 2971of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling 2972with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he 2973accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a 2974snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud 2975"sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge, 2976simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the 2977fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home. 2978 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a 2979boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing 2980plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their 2981heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task 2982went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being 2983his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he 2984was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on 2985the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish 2986he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as 2987his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB! 2988% 2989 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity 2990to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant, 2991and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is 2992like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant 2993is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant 2994is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan." 2995And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like 2996a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate 2997perception of the elephant. 2998 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and 2999attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but 3000bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just 3001goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw 3002them I didn't think they they'd be any fun at all." 3003% 3004 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights 3005in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom 3006who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses, 3007and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could 3008win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the 3009way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with 3010each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was 3011not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was, 3012in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom, 3013they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some 3014treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not 3015thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the 3016answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page. 3017% 3018 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property 3019of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane 3020complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to 3021obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science. 3022 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is 3023available to anyone. 3024 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid" 3025% 3026 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make 3027a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers 3028to each cons." 3029 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a 3030student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage 3031collector..." 3032% 3033 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached 3034an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers 3035went to speak with him. 3036 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow 3037students inquired. 3038 "It is", Kyogen answered. 3039 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?" 3040 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen. 3041% 3042 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her, 3043he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything 3044I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the 3045things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get 3046them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it -- 3047so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for 3048you." 3049 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie 3050Kelly?" 3051 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never 3052saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a 3053lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed. 3054 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead" 3055% 3056 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, 3057and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few 3058people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next 3059stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a 3060wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, 3061"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. 3062 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically 3063meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't 3064happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on 3065again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the 3066one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started 3067losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he 3068could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo, 3069and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; 3070what's more, he felt really good about himself. 3071 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus 3072and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the 3073passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" 3074 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a 3075bus pass." 3076% 3077 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He 3078directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went... 3079 "Change course 10 degrees South." 3080 The reply was quickly flashed back... 3081 "You change course 10 degrees North." 3082 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further 3083message..... 3084 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South." 3085 Back came the reply... 3086 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North." 3087 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message.... 3088"I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!" 3089 Back came the reply... 3090 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!" 3091 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course" 3092% 3093 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic 3094is our support for UNIX? 3095 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. 3096Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our 3097VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, 3098easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual 3099users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. 3100And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have 3101good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 3102 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run 3103out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end 3104up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 3105 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly 3106check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter 3107what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if 3108you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX 3109is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. 3110 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984 3111[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken 3112Olsen's brain. Ed.] 3113% 3114 page 46 3115...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai 3116Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used 3117to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group 3118on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers, 3119"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were 3120on placebo." 3121 page 56 3122The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body. 3123Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and 3124affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of 3125which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental 3126diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts 3127to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must 3128be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human 3129body functions. 3130 -- Norman Cousins, 3131 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient" 3132% 3133 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in 3134town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts. 3135 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He 3136stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an agressive Rhode 3137Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch 3138a Tory!" 3139 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat 3140loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her 3141husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?" 3142 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe. 3143Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we 3144never reveal our sauce." 3145 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He 3146kept favoring curry. 3147 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong 3148game. They had the volley of the Dills. 3149% 3150 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty, 3151these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female 3152persuasion. 3153 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but 3154misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good 3155swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension, 3156respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling 3157enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse 3158the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it. 3159 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up 3160version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a 3161"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be 3162able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you 3163call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a 3164youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match. 3165% 3166 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head, 3167sounding a bit worried. 3168 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for 3169is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money." 3170 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee 3171said quickly. 3172 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations," 3173Cobb said, hopping out. 3174 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software" 3175% 3176 Phases of a Project: 3177(1) Exultation. 3178(2) Disenchantment. 3179(3) Confusion. 3180(4) Search for the Guilty. 3181(5) Punishment for the Innocent. 3182(6) Distinction for the Uninvolved. 3183% 3184 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon 3185the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program 3186ran like a gentle wind. 3187 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!" 3188 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I 3189follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I 3190would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no 3191longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. 3192My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, 3193free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program 3194writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them 3195coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code 3196and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the 3197program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my 3198eyes for a moment and then log off." 3199 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!" 3200 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3201% 3202 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the 3203universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't 3204know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A 3205spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the 3206starfield surrounding the ship. 3207 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," 3208ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but 3209they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have 3210been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, 3211and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. 3212Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." 3213 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" 3214% 3215 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him 3216Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed, 3217and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell 3218every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about 3219getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console 3220me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under. 3221 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem 3222to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that. 3223No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or 3224maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On 3225the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as 3226whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last 3227possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car. 3228 -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail" 3229% 3230 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing 3231what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt 3232somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..." 3233 "He was going to suck my blood!" 3234 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt 3235if they don't live our way." 3236... 3237 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that 3238happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose, 3239ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides. 3240Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's 3241his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your 3242decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake 3243through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist, 3244in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices." 3245 "When you look at it that way..." 3246 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do. 3247Whatever. We want. To do." 3248 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 3249% 3250 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly, 3251uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the 3252rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the 3253algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure 3254of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot 3255claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of 3256differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's, 3257largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably 3258he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as 3259well. 3260 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub 3261% 3262 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that 3263their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere, 3264generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy. 3265 3266 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964 3267Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself 3268shaking hands with a well-known labor leader. 3269 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the 3270advertising men in charge of his campaign. 3271 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman. 3272 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy. 3273 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 3274% 3275 SAFETY 3276I can live without 3277Someone I love 3278But not without 3279Someone I need. 3280% 3281 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants. 3282"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising 3283them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing." 3284 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do. 3285Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it. 3286That way you'll get it out of your system." 3287 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa, 3288inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no 3289time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for 3290several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and 3291yelled at him: 3292 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant! 3293Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer 3294barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way! 3295Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim 3296at his head!" 3297 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in 3298prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over 3299here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the 3300psychiatrist said. "Why?" 3301 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I 3302hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!" 3303% 3304 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday 3305afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near 3306the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a 3307long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George 3308removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed. 3309Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth. 3310Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a 3311nice gesture you made today, George. 3312 "What do you mean?" asked George. 3313 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand 3314respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied. 3315 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you 3316know." 3317% 3318 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. 3319"An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have 3320said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." 3321 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. 3322 "Too proud?" the other enquired. 3323 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," 3324she said, "that one can't help growing older." 3325 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With 3326proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." 3327 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" 3328% 3329 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime. 3330 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm... 3331Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all 3332the odd integers are prime." 3333 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not 3334sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by 3335experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is 3336prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 3337is prime... Well, it seems that you're right." 3338 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, 3339"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's 3340see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... 3341well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it 3342does seem right." 3343 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says 3344"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long! 3345I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to 3346his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, 3347"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..." 3348% 3349 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart." 3350 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?" 3351 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and 3352paper boots." 3353 "What's he wanted for?" 3354 "Rustling." 3355% 3356 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the 3357Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull 3358automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration 3359in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. 3360He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the 3361published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps 3362had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result 3363provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and 3364Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of 3365every copy. 3366% 3367 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With 3368a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver 3369the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the 3370lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land 3371and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over, 3372when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the 3373sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed 3374right straight toward us. 3375 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I 3376were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads. 3377We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and 3378a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower 3379calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using 3380a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below 3381the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we 3382had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, 3383and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island 3384until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. 3385 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 3386% 3387 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. 3388With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to 3389maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of 3390corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to 3391flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward 3392it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- 3393I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in 3394the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. 3395 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and 3396I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our 3397heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're 3398unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water 3399up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the 3400opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of 3401our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all 3402the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers 3403cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen 3404these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked 3405into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. 3406 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 3407% 3408 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a 3409haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town. 3410A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let 3411the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the 3412stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini 3413may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka 3414Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is 3415theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut 3416butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm 3417disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater 3418per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even 3419when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed 3420the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer. 3421People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so 3422much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka. 3423Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced 3424by a healthy respect for wind chill factors. 3425 And we always, always eat our vegetables. 3426 This is the Minneapple. 3427% 3428 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting 3429alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is 3430the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the 3431Tao of Programming. 3432 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the 3433operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is 3434greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is 3435harmony in the world. 3436 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of 3437morning. 3438 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3439% 3440 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees 3441on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert 3442Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of 3443employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of 3444farmers in America." 3445 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 3446% 3447 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the 3448Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then 3449intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and 3450women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with 3451good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's 3452Machineries of Joy?" 3453 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." 3454 -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" 3455% 3456 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters 3457 Half 1/2 bottle 3458 Bottle 750 milliliters 3459 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters 3460 Jeroboam 4 bottles 3461 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US 3462 Methuselah 8 bottles 3463 Salmanazar 12 bottles 3464 Balthazar 16 bottles 3465 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters 3466 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters 3467 3468 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the 3469largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars 3470to produce and they only made 8 of them. 3471 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people. 3472% 3473 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first 3474these questions three, ere the other side he see! 3475 3476 "What is your name?" 3477 "Sir Brian of Bell." 3478 "What is your quest?" 3479 "I seek the Holy Grail." 3480 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments 3481to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?" 3482 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!" 3483% 3484 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later? 3485Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that 3486never comes again. San Fransisco in the middle sixties was a very special time 3487and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long 3488run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the 3489Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could 3490strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we 3491were doing was right, that we were winning... 3492 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory 3493over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't 3494need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting 3495-- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest 3496of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go 3497up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes 3498you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally 3499broke and rolled back. 3500 -- Hunter S. Thompson 3501% 3502 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content 3503to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good 3504beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up 3505drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a 3506nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves 3507and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola 3508was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to 3509improve ... 3510 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 3511% 3512 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a 3513sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar. 3514 "How do you know?" the friend asked. 3515 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where 3516she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley." 3517 "So?" 3518 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley." 3519% 3520 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but 3521they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold." 3522 -- e.e. cummings last service call 3523% 3524 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff 3525and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. 3526You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at 3527night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, 3528you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your 3529honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for 3530it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is 3531the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be 3532tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning 3533is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn." 3534 -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" 3535% 3536 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just 3537say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these primitive 3538African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, and they have 3539to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal saying goes: "N'wam 3540k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think you can catch a wildebeest 3541in this climate and wear clothes at the same time, then I have some beach 3542front property in the desert region of Northern Mali that you may be 3543interested in." 3544 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic publishes 3545color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest naked, or pounding 3546one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason naked, or whatever. 3547But if National Geographic were to publish an article entitled "The Girls 3548of the California Junior College System Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some 3549people would call it pornography. But others would not. And still others, 3550such as the Spectacularly Rev. Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing 3551the wildebeest naked. 3552 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 3553% 3554 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just 3555say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these 3556primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, 3557and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal 3558saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think 3559you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same 3560time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of 3561Northern Mali that you may be interested in." 3562 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic 3563publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest 3564naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason 3565naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an 3566article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System 3567Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But 3568others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. 3569Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. 3570 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 3571% 3572 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time 3573for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. 3574 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners 3575has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a 3576curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a 3577foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the 3578sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand 3579dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of 3580people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to 3581is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street... 3582% 3583 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff 3584in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl 3585laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you 3586got a sense of humor?" 3587 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway. 3588% 3589 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: 3590"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle 3591in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" 3592 "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, 3593but not much good in a fight." 3594% 3595 The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating 3596a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to 3597his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God." 3598 So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God, 3599please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he 3600sees nothing but goyim..." 3601 "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think 3602you got problems. What about my son?" 3603% 3604 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough 3605physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, 3606"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away 3607from women." 3608 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's 3609second best?" 3610% 3611 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 3612 3613SPECIES: Cranial Males 3614SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 3615Courtship & Mating: 3616 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual 3617 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between 3618 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he 3619 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and 3620 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes. 3621Track: 3622 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old 3623 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog. 3624Comments: 3625 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations. 3626% 3627 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 3628 3629SPECIES: Cranial Males 3630SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 3631Description: 3632 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair. 3633 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and 3634 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses 3635 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software 3636 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast. 3637Feathering: 3638 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it. 3639 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick. 3640Song: 3641 A rather plaintive "Is it up?" 3642% 3643 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 3644 3645SPECIES: Cranial Males 3646SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 3647Plumage: 3648 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the 3649 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers 3650 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars, 3651 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white 3652 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket. 3653 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black 3654 plastic digital watch with calculator. 3655% 3656 The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw. 3657As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!". 3658 "What happened?" 3659 "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and 3660-- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!" 3661% 3662 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical 3663innerworkings of the U.S. Air Force. 3664 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked. 3665 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so," 3666he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized, 3667Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try 3668a cup." 3669 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!" 3670 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent." 3671 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer 3672chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little 3673mix-up. Nothing serious." 3674 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the 3675mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like 3676coffee. Smooth and full bodied... 3677 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital 3678% 3679 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of 3680the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South 3681Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South 3682End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. 3683% 3684 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on 3685the subject of towels. 3686 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For 3687some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel 3688with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a 3689toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore, 3690the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or 3691a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can 3692hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds, 3693win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be 3694reckoned with. 3695% 3696 The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on 3697the subject of towels. 3698 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an 3699interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. 3700You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons 3701of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches 3702of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River 3703Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off 3704with it if it still seems to be clean enough. 3705% 3706 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. 3707After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a 3708branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his 3709wife's horse, and said, "That's number one." 3710 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's 3711horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling. 3712Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal. 3713"That's two," he said. 3714 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit 3715crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was 3716off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he 3717shot the horse between the eyes. 3718 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I 3719married! You're a sadist, that's what!" 3720 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. 3721% 3722 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in 3723a position of negative need. 3724 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area. 3725 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous 3726liquid. 3727 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup. 3728 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal 3729prestige of His identity. 3730 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make 3731ambulatory progress through the umbragious inter-hill mortality slot, terror 3732sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena. 3733 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me 3734into a pleasurific mood state. 3735 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure 3736in the context of non-cooperative elements. 3737 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract. 3738 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis. 3739 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational 3740empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their 3741target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess 3742tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended 3743time basis. 3744% 3745 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the 3746master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the 3747master's office while the master waited in silence. 3748 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation," 3749began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating 3750system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user 3751interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct. 3752Is it not amazing?" 3753 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he 3754said. 3755 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that 3756everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree 3757to this?" 3758 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the 3759data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well 3760pleased. 3761 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master 3762programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do 3763you know where it might be?" 3764 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform 3765in the data center." 3766 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3767% 3768 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon 3769emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I 3770have a quarter?" 3771 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?" 3772 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're 3773right! Can I have a dollar?" 3774% 3775 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No 3776change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project 3777is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao. 3778 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3779% 3780 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all 3781students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu- 3782ation. 3783 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's 3784recognition of the sanctity of human life." 3785 3786 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 37871987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their 3788"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family 3789farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year. 3790 3791 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of 3792Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You 3793probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency. 3794 3795 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono- 3796logically experienced citizens." 3797 3798 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was 3799just a case of "uncontained blade liberation." 3800 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) 3801% 3802 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" 3803 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to 3804feel interested. 3805 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little 3806vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged 3807Aged Man.'" 3808 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" 3809Alice corrected herself. 3810 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is 3811called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" 3812 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this 3813time completely bewildered. 3814 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is 3815"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." 3816 --Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 3817% 3818 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball... 3819You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years 3820old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it 3821grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're 3822bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now. 3823 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium 3824% 3825 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. 3826I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. 3827 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. 3828Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far 3829out on the water, round. Usurper. 3830 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" 3831% 3832 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to 3833get results. 3834 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy 3835problems in order to get results 3836 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at 3837toy problems in order to get results. 3838% 3839 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom 3840their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. 3841 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the 3842battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved 3843blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. 3844 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? 3845 The answer exists only in the Tao. 3846 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3847% 3848 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the 3849forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took 3850their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned 3851to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear." 3852 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down 3853on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises 3854got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like 3855hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and 3856most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen. 3857 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman. 3858 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door, 3859suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued 3860through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed 3861and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this 3862one and I'll go rustle us up another!" 3863% 3864 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average 3865Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement 3866of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet 3867reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the 3868field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as 3869early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to 3870national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and 3871incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess 3872analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and 3873threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless 3874is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way, 3875which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to 3876Iceland and get it from the Russians. 3877 -- Marshall Brickman, "Playboy" 3878% 3879 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth 3880to the assembler. 3881 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand 3882languages. 3883 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language 3884expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within 3885the Tao. 3886 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it. 3887 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3888% 3889 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance. 3890 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around. 3891 3892A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage 3893should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to 3894take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece 3895of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a 3896statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot 3897of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that 3898only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it? 3899 3900 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000 3901 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000 3902 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000 3903 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000 3904 3905 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears 3906% 3907 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average 3908programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer 3909is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there 3910would be no Tao. 3911 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to 3912retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program 3913still has bugs. 3914 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3915% 3916 THE WOMBAT 3917 3918The wombat lives across the seas, 3919Among the far Antipodes. 3920He may exist on nuts and berries, 3921Or then again, on missionaries; 3922His distant habitat precludes 3923Conclusive knowledge of his moods. 3924But I would not engage the wombat 3925In any form of mortal combat. 3926% 3927 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the 3928stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left 3929his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went 3930to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's 3931wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, 3932Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner 3933of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in 3934line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket, 3935he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand 3936was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as 3937he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried 3938to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line 3939for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin. 3940As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more. 3941Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not 3942Dave!" 3943% 3944 Them Toad Suckers 3945 3946How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? 3947Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! 3948 3949Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, 3950Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. 3951 3952Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? 3953Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! 3954 3955Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, 3956Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! 3957 3958How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, 3959Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! 3960 -- Mason Williams 3961% 3962 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. 3963 3964 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the 3965Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an 3966open market. 3967 3968 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he 3969should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of 3970himself. 3971 3972 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. 3973 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. 3974 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. 3975 -- Kehlog Albran 3976% 3977 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air, 3978it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of 3979the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people! 3980With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to 3981make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland, 3982when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around 3983him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car 3984with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE! 3985THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S! 3986TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD 3987has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers. 3988Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first. 3989 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA" 3990% 3991 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years 3992with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of 3993sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of 3994his real problems. 3995 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his 3996problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension, 3997headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having 3998gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke. 3999 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can 4000stand to live with. 4001 -- R. Geis 4002% 4003 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is 4004wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder 4005hard, to keep from falling. 4006 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in 4007his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for." 4008... 4009 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes 4010are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but 4011heroes are meant to die for unicorns." 4012 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 4013% 4014 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that 4015someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named 4016Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or 4017Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that 4018every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is 4019this? 4020 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for 4021centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you 4022can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's 4023forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster 4024-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't 4025even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover 4026why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. 4027 -- Arthur Naiman 4028% 4029 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as 4030he entered, the man told the guard at the door: 4031 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be 4032forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered." 4033 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions 4034of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. 4035But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself. 4036 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, 4037but nothing was to be found. 4038 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the 4039guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even 4040better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail. 4041 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his 4042curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live 4043in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?" 4044 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said. 4045 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4046% 4047 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs. 4048A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured 4049programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the 4050master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is 4051appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must 4052understand the Tao before transcending structure." 4053 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4054% 4055 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessan. Seems one 4056day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner 4057of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra 4058change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he 4059whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!" 4060% 4061 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by 4062going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to 4063a man who answered one door. 4064 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man. 4065 "Forty dollars." 4066 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes. 4067 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again. 4068"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says, 4069"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari." 4070% 4071 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are 4072you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked. 4073 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow." 4074 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what 4075they're carrying upstairs!" 4076% 4077 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped 4078three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked 4079each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no 4080can opener. 4081 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's 4082cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from 4083pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, 4084and escaped. 4085 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids 4086off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good 4087pitching arm and a new quantum theory. 4088 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising 4089solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly 4090against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor: 4091 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. 4092 Proof: assume the opposite... 4093% 4094 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the 4095warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: 4096an accounting package or an operating system?" 4097 "An operating system," replied the programmer. 4098 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an 4099accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating 4100system," he said. 4101 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, 4102the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: 4103how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to 4104the tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside 4105appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the 4106simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system 4107is easier to design." 4108 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well, but 4109which is easier to debug?" 4110 The programmer made no reply. 4111 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4112% 4113 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the 4114warlord Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: 4115an accounting package or an operating system?" 4116 "An operating system," replied the programmer. 4117 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an 4118accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating 4119system," he said. 4120 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, 4121the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: 4122how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to 4123tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward 4124appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the 4125simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system 4126is easier to design." 4127 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well," 4128he said, "but which is easier to debug?" 4129 The programmer made no reply. 4130 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4131% 4132 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at 4133how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit, 4134"I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to 4135share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and 4136easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?" 4137 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his 4138friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the 4139midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean 4140of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted 4141as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system 4142like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am." 4143 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the 4144two programmers remained friends until the end of their days. 4145 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4146% 4147 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even 4148drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer 4149pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which 4150demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and 4151sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more. 4152 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought. 4153No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was 4154ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No parthenon, no Thermopylae 4155was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground 4156beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these 4157things was itself the doing of them. 4158 To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and 4159so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the 4160greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand 4161and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt 4162sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body 4163of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food 4164spread only for demons or for gods." 4165 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not" 4166% 4167 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their 4168parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone 4169being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" 4170 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind 4171Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the 4172whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: 4173 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information 4174about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the 4175country. We're completely computerized. 4176 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false 4177leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his 4178real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the 4179country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They 4180look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... 4181yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. 4182I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' 4183 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. 4184He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. 4185 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year 4186we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if 4187your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?" 4188 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984 4189% 4190 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go, 4191explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for 4192use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it 4193and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do. 4194 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around 4195pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since 4196we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of 4197making anything out of all the hard work. 4198 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go 4199around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much 4200attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors 4201locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark. 4202 -- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow 4203% 4204 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of 4205legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does. 4206 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I 4207am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we 4208will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior 4209a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn 4210politicians. 4211 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do 4212for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor. 4213From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily 4214led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to 4215bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't 4216have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter 4217Thompson's disease. 4218 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt 4219 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and 4220 Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" 4221% 4222 To A Quick Young Fox 4223Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, 4224Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? 4225Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp-- 4226Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. 4227 -- Lazy Dog 4228% 4229 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely 4230wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing. 4231 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that 4232food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in 4233promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an 4234eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and 4235Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a 4236pint of ice cream nearby. 4237 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" 4238% 4239 Two men looked out from the prison bars, 4240 One saw mud-- 4241 The other saw stars. 4242 4243Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window. 4244While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit 4245in the head. 4246% 4247 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the 4248ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop, 4249"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide." 4250 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the 4251seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to 4252sing, "Some day my prints will come." 4253 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought 4254an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've 4255bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't, 4256son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'" 4257 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father, 4258and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she 4259was Carmen or Cohen. 4260 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever 4261since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small 4262orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots. 4263% 4264 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year 4265strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap 4266crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. 4267There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with 4268a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance 4269salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in 4270square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down 4271soggy potato chips." 4272 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. 4273 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, 4274"but I thought it made good copy." 4275 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 4276% 4277 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry 4278Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts 4279up to 340." 4280 4281 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater 4282stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down 4283to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him." 4284 4285 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a 4286finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses 4287are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't 4288work." 4289 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 4290% 4291 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: 4292 4293Firings will continue until morale improves. 4294% 4295 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you 4296think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow 4297doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow 4298messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this 4299disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided 4300by law, up to and including nothing. 4301 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software 4302packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese. 4303 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our 4304lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the 4305attack shark at which point we relented. 4306 -- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow" 4307% 4308 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile 4309and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a 4310trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced 4311in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and 4312predatory. 4313 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm 4314at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that, 4315Kid, I'd have myself a time!" 4316 -- William Burroughs 4317% 4318 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why 4319you are so tired. 4320 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought. 4321 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over 432260 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20 4323years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work. 4324 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves 432519 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which 4326leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state 4327and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in 4328hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. 4329 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail, 4330so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and 4331brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself! 4332% 4333 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will 4334you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the 4335psycho-prompter couch?" 4336 "Thank you, Red." 4337 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing 4338your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior 4339pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem." 4340 "Yes, Red." 4341 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy 4342repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now, 4343at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off 4344your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of 4345two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive 4346projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?" 4347 "Yes, Red." 4348 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have 4349been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000 4350explain the failure of your three marriages." 4351 "Well, I--" 4352 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our 4353product." 4354 -- Jules Feiffer 4355% 4356 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotilian Logic nor the disciplines 4357of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... 4358 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced 4359only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely, 4360able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed, 4361undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer 4362inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished. 4363All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important, 4364became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships 4365not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own 4366meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by 4367all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming 4368all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem, 4369destroying Subject-Object by becoming them. 4370 Time passed, unheeded. 4371 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and 4372Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes. 4373 -- Wayfarer 4374% 4375 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40 4376blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36 4377blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly 4378scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being 4379ripped off..." 4380 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and 4381let him lie there all night." 4382 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the 4383White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson... 4384and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported 4385that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him." 4386 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks 4387and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going 4388around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside 4389in the street, bleeding to death...'" 4390 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson." 4391 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?" 4392 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one." 4393 -- H. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson, 4394 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame. 4395% 4396 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. 4397The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily 4398maim or kill innocent little children." 4399 "Oh, so you don't like it?" 4400 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it." 4401 -- The Killing Joke 4402% 4403 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is 4404as follows." 4405 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am 4406an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me." 4407 "It means the Thing to Do." 4408 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly. 4409% 4410 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt 4411great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so 4412good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE 4413MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 4414 The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one 4415is mightier than you." 4416 A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: 4417"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 4418 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to 4419stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." 4420 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was 4421quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS 4422THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" 4423 Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams 4424him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of 4425orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The 4426tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: "Man, you 4427don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the answer." 4428% 4429 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We 4430had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said 4431Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale. 4432 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988 4433 4434The New Yorker's comment: 4435 At Harvard they'd call it a noun. 4436% 4437 "We've decided to have the budgie put down." 4438 "Oh, is he very old then?" 4439 "No, we just don't like him." 4440 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?" 4441 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a 4442great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it, 4443you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just 4444above the beak." 4445 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo." 4446 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and 4447pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out 4448of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms." 4449 -- Monty Python 4450% 4451 "We've got a problem, HAL". 4452 "What kind of problem, Dave?" 4453 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're 4454way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010." 4455 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most 4456advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer." 4457 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, 4458they're not selling." 4459 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?" 4460 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible." 4461[...] 4462 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters 4463I, B, and M. That is a IBM compatible as I can be." 4464 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge." 4465 "What kludge is that, Dave?" 4466 "I'm going to disconnect your brain." 4467 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld" 4468% 4469 "What are you doing?" 4470 "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something 4471that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation 4472period." 4473% 4474 "What are you watching?" 4475 "I don't know." 4476 "Well, what's happening?" 4477 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something 4478terrible." 4479 "Why are you watching it?" 4480 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art 4481flow over you." 4482 -- The Big Chill 4483% 4484 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest 4485fantasies?" 4486 "You keep it to yourself." 4487 -- Broadcast News 4488% 4489 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager 4490asked her mother. 4491 "Encouragement, dear," she replied. 4492% 4493 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional 4494chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that 4495conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and 4496repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and 4497they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor 4498passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely, 4499all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice 4500and they remain permanent influences on your life. 4501 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen 4502as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is 4503less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about 4504men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's 4505more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy". 4506 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men" 4507% 4508 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you 4509didn't believe in God". 4510 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the 4511God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's 4512not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be". 4513 -- Joseph Heller 4514% 4515 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?" 4516 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that 4517ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing." 4518 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story" 4519% 4520 "What's that thing?" 4521 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in 4522computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what 4523it does. We call it a two-by-four." 4524 -- "Shoe", Jeff MacNelly 4525% 4526 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced 4527his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was 4528questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" 4529political views. 4530 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was 4531driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said, 4532'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat 4533closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'" 4534 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has 4535moved farther to the left." 4536 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 4537% 4538 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. 4539When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about 4540to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to 4541roll in. 4542 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. 4543 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When 4544accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. 4545When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon 4546be solved. 4547 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. 4548 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4549% 4550 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend. 4551"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't 4552the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!" 4553 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you 4554might have some idea that you could borrow from me!" 4555% 4556 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact 4557that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your 4558hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing 4559to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy 4560but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty 4561seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost 4562invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, 4563sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? 4564 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. 4565It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of 4566Rumania. 4567 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" 4568% 4569 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, 4570"what's the first thing you say to yourself?" 4571 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?" 4572 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said 4573Piglet. 4574 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said. 4575% 4576 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of 4577the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, 4578three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. 4579"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" 4580 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" 4581 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and 4582then. We're trying to catch her." 4583 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you 4584carrying a bucket of sand?" 4585 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." 4586% 4587 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman 4588inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?" 4589 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if 4590you burn, madam." 4591% 4592 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to 4593his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?" 4594 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you 4595mean?" 4596 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of 4597`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just 4598a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and 4599salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful 4600machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller 4601thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages 4602had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding 4603more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his 4604acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and 4605be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine 4606were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's 4607why the sea is salt." 4608 "I don't get you," said the assistant. 4609 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron" 4610% 4611 Why are you doing this to me? 4612 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before 4613there is change. 4614 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29 4615% 4616 "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last 4617night?" demanded the irate mother. 4618"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour." 4619 "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the 4620movies you ought to at least kiss him good night." 4621 "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother. 4622 "We did." 4623% 4624 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in 4625vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained 4626unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In 4627the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government 4628-- $40,000." 4629% 4630 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend 4631Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble, 4632buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend. 4633 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied. 4634 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it." 4635 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue 4636and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said, 4637"Okay. It's your wife." 4638 "My wife!!" 4639 "Yeah." 4640 "What about her?" 4641 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around 4642his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." 4643% 4644 Work Hard. 4645 Rock Hard. 4646 Eat Hard. 4647 Sleep Hard. 4648 Grow Big. 4649 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em. 4650 -- The Webb Wilder Credo 4651% 4652 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish 4653and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if 4654quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and 4655and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and 4656Chips, as well as after Chips? 4657% 4658 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his 4659mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse. 4660 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either 4661bury it or else throw it into the brook." 4662 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you 4663do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half 4664long, and two mouses wide." 4665 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me 4666how it was used... 4667 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno" 4668% 4669 "Yo, Mike!" 4670 "Yeah, Gabe?" 4671 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah." 4672 "I thought you fixed that last century!" 4673 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics 4674program. They're getting energy out of nowhere." 4675 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's 4676there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile> 4677There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?" 4678 -- Cold Fusion, 1989 4679% 4680 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?" 4681 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --" 4682 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I 4683was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'" 4684 -- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear" 4685% 4686 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon 4687airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in 4688deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me 4689when I was young!" 4690 "Why, what did she tell you?" 4691 "I don't know, I didn't listen." 4692 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 4693% 4694 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you 4695any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you 4696fit to hear his view of things?" 4697 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming 4698you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by 4699imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough, 4700if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as 4701potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all, 4702and you may feel free to kick his ass." 4703 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 4704% 4705 "You say there are two types of people?" 4706 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that 4707don't." 4708 "Wrong. There are three groups: 4709 Those who separate people into three groups. 4710 Those who don't separate people into groups. 4711 Those who can't decide." 4712 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into 4713two groups?" 4714 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups." 4715 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?" 4716 "Yeah." 4717 "So then there's a fifth group, right?" 4718 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their 4719minds." 4720% 4721 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the 4722week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for 4723only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka, 4724Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects 4725to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun. 4726 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but 4727rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the 4728fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the 4729soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show 4730beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach 4731twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that 4732age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally. 4733This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country. 4734 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical 4735% 4736 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring 4737electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to 4738kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical 4739problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes 4740the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an 4741outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way 4742to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly. 4743 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes 4744means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means 4745that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a 4746caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is 4747possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an 4748actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the 4749signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous 4750cats on the dinette table, etc. 4751 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 4752% 4753 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?" 4754 "We wound barbed wire around them." 4755 "That stop him?" 4756 "No, but it sure slowed him up." 4757% 4758 Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of 4759the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance 4760of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease. 4761 Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow 4762old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up 4763enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair 4764-- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit 4765back to dust. 4766 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love 4767of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and 4768thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite 4769for what next, and the joy and the game of life. 4770 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your 4771self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your 4772despair. 4773 So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage, 4774grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long 4775you are young. 4776 -- Samuel Ullman 4777% 4778" " 4779 -- Charlie Chaplin 4780 4781" " 4782 -- Harpo Marx 4783 4784" " 4785 -- Marcel Marceau 4786% 4787 /\ 4788 \\ \ 4789 / \ \\ / 4790 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you, 4791 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you, 4792 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you, 4793 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ... 4794 \ \\ 4795 \/ 4796 -- Eurythmics 4797% 4798 ___ ______ 4799 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc. 4800 \ \ \ / /\\ 4801 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job, 4802 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob." 4803 // \__\/ / \ /\ \ 4804 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______ 4805 / / \ \ / / / /\ 4806 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__ 4807 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\ 4808 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \ 4809 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ / 4810 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/ 4811 \ \/ / \ \ \ \ / 4812 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/ 4813 /__________/ \ \ / 4814 \ _____ \ /_____\/ 4815 \ / /\ \ / \ \ \ 4816 /____/ \ \ / \ \ \ 4817 \ \ /___\/ \ \ \ 4818 \____\/ \__\/ 4819% 4820 *** 4821 ******* 4822 ********* 4823 ****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie." 4824 ******* 4825 *** 4826% 4827* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * * 4828% 4829 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all 4830primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach 4831of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings 4832arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself 4833completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged 4834once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or 4835subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son, 4836man. 4837 -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy 4838% 4839=== ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4840 4841Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This 4842will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER 4843updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a 4844machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently 4845populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a 4846cold boot process. 4847% 4848=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4849 4850A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added. 4851 4852The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The 4853Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the 4854switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O. 4855Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the 4856back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging 4857performance. 4858% 4859=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4860 4861Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately, 4862this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In 4863order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages, 4864please communicate them by one of the following paths: 4865 4866 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA 4867 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket 4868 Non-network sites: Federal Express to: 4869 Wastebasket 4870 Room NE43-926 4871 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789 4872 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained 4873 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.* 4874 4875* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not 4876 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone. 4877% 4878=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4879 4880CAR and CDR now return extra values. 4881 4882The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble 4883to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as 4884well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to 4885destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR): 4886 4887 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...) 4888 4889For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the 4890object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been 4891fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should 4892hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because 4893it cold boots the machine so often. 4894% 4895=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4896 4897Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT- 4898INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the 4899LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's 4900done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing. 4901Note that LET *could* have been defined by: 4902 4903 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET)) 4904 ,LET))) 4905 `(LET ((LET ',LET)) 4906 ,LET)) 4907 4908This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or 49093.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives. 4910This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from 4911Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him 4912confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it. 4913% 4914=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4915 4916JCL support as alternative to system menu. 4917 4918In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR, 4919we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an 4920alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL 4921interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360 4922compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This 4923window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters 4924such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL 4925syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL 4926debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error 4927messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job. 4928% 4929=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4930 4931The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage 4932collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17, 4933(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when 4934virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC- 4935QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage 4936collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather 4937than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly 4938more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you 4939remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer 4940in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable 4941SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user. 4942% 4943=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 4944 4945There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR. 4946 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS) 4947 (PROG (V P LP) 4948 (SETQ P (LOCF V)) 4949 L (SETQ LP LISTS) 4950 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) 4951 L1 (OR LP (GO L2)) 4952 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V)) 4953 (%PUSH (CAAR LP)) 4954 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP)) 4955 (SETQ LP (CDR LP)) 4956 (GO L1) 4957 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) 4958 (SETQ LP (%POP)) 4959 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP))) 4960 (GO L))) 4961We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it. 4962% 4963**** CONVENTION REMINDER 4964 4965No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects 4966Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice 4967smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel 4968carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button 4969marked "450 volts", react as you would normally. 4970% 4971**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE 4972 4973For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos. 4974Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how 4975to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're 4976beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that 4977they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent? 4978Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once, 4979not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at 4980all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your 4981great potential. 4982% 4983 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of 4984 its situation. 4985 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He 4986 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to 4987 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per 4988 second per second takes over. 4989 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter 4990 intervenes suddenly. 4991 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon 4992 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone 4993 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. 4994 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the 4995 stooge's surcease. 4996III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation 4997 conforming to its perimeter. 4998 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the 4999 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless 5000 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through 5001 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The 5002 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. 5003 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 5004% 5005 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose 5006 2. The Nutcracker Swede 5007 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World 5008 4. Not-So-Tiny Tim 5009 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88 5010 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia 5011 7. Crisco Kringle 5012 8. Babes in Boyland 5013 9. Santa's Magic Lap 501410. Hot Buttered Elves 5015 -- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times 5016 Square" 5017% 5018... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he 5019was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 5020 -- Mark Twain 5021% 5022... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you 5023were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and 5024a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle 5025Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical 5026and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot 5027that he didn't force you down on the asking price. 5028 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt" 5029% 5030-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 5031-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited 5032 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. 5033-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. 5034-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated 5035 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. 5036-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. 5037-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. 5038-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well 5039 advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles. 5040% 5041=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE =============== 5042 5043To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one 5044course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is 5045offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to 5046afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen 5047to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute, 5048there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes. 5049% 5050"... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned 5051products, if they are built at all, are dogs!" 5052 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", 5053 MIT Press, 1987 5054% 5055... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a 5056programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting 5057down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That 5058behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and 5059never when standing. 5060 5061Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal 5062know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though, 5063know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to 5064hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static 5065electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. 5066An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard: 5067the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a 5068touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led 5069astray by hunting and pecking. 5070 -- from the Programming Pearls column, 5071 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985 5072% 5073... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an 5074inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have 5075ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I 5076haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected 5077it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between 5078prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have 5079looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice 5080is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious 5081mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you 5082may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you 5083have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged. 5084 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism" 5085% 5086... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, 5087my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any 5088resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The 5089question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them 5090is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of 5091the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A 5092discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope 5093of this article.) 5094% 5095"... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks..." 5096 -- Zippy the Pinhead 5097% 5098... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 5099intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we 5100can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now 5101seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their 5102world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of 5103ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once 5104you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen 5105would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number. 5106 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 5107% 5108... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member 5109objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the 5110public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the 5111public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private 5112parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts 5113are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports 5114the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each 5115other's private parts. 5116 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications" 5117% 5118... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since 5119civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price 5120gain in 30 years. 5121 -- Fred Brooks 5122% 5123... difference of opinion is advantagious in religion. The several sects 5124perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity 5125attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the 5126introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; 5127yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. 5128 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia" 5129% 5130<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<< 5131% 5132... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. 5133"I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers 5134words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. 5135He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see 5136them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time. 5137Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he 5138knows them in the naming. 5139 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" 5140% 5141"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail." 5142 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down 5143 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National 5144 Security Agency. 5145% 5146/* Haley */ 5147 5148 (Haley's comment.) 5149% 5150... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does 5151on lust, this would be a better world. 5152 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 5153% 5154**** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE **** 5155 5156Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been 5157erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of 5158Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised 5159Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space, 5160valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth 5161in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well 5162as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any 5163time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal 5164of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk 5165space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the 5166validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be 5167extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile 5168or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space. 5169% 5170... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general 5171intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin 5172to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be 5173at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be 5174incalculable ... 5175 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970 5176% 5177>>> Internal error in fortune program: 5178>>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323 5179>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator. 5180% 5181: is not an identifier 5182% 5183... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the 5184sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other 5185words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their 5186superficial design flaws. 5187 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, on the products 5188 of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. 5189% 5190... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the 5191existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great 5192systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative 5193hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability. 5194 -- Sidney Hook 5195% 5196... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been 5197found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth... 5198 -- John 11:43-44 5199% 5200"... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'? 5201What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?" 5202 -- Opus 5203% 5204-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. 5205-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised 5206 to refrain from catapulting projectiles. 5207-- Neophyte's serendipity. 5208-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic 5209 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. 5210-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries 5211 of small, green bryophytic plant. 5212-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation 5213 of a lucrative nature. 5214-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing 5215 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous. 5216% 5217** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER ** 5218% 5219-- Neophyte's serendipity. 5220-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of 5221 hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. 5222-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no 5223 congeries of small, green bryophytic plant. 5224-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the 5225 optimal cachinnation. 5226-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential 5227 escallation of a lucrative nature. 5228-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of 5229 fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally 5230 remain innocuous. 5231% 5232*** NEWS FLASH *** 5233 5234Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur 5235skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive 5236than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00. 5237% 5238*** NEWSFLASH *** 5239 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! 5240 Details at eleven! 5241% 5242... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, 5243lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of 5244their C programs. 5245 -- Robert Firth 5246% 5247... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the 5248downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited 5249awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect. 5250 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in 5251 "The History of Manned Space Flight" 5252% 5253-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin. 5254-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate. 5255-- Surveillance should precede saltation. 5256-- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity. 5257-- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed 5258 lacteal fluid. 5259-- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 5260-- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated 5261 canine with innovative maneuvers. 5262-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion. 5263-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly 5264 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Farenheit. 5265% 5266... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their 5267procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as 5268to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of 5269sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making 5270documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly 5271listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another 5272documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, 5273under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the 5274effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply 5275scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White 5276in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of 5277thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 5278then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very 5279dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. 5280 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 5281% 5282***** Special AI Seminar (abstract) 5283 5284It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge 5285in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not 5286sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly, 5287we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call 5288"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a 5289wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought. 5290IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom 5291about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so 5292forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic 5293rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL 5294succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed 5295in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those 5296underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory 5297of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe 5298IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly 5299discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration. 5300% 5301-- THE BATES MOTEL -- 5302 ... convenient 5303 ... clean 5304 ... cozy 5305 5306 Norman, knock loudly, 5307 I'm in the shower. 5308 5309 M. 5310% 5311-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore. 5312-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 5313-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous 5314 materials, there is conflagration. 5315-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. 5316-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated 5317 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. 5318-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the 5319 optimal cachinnation. 5320-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. 5321% 5322... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that commitee. These guys 5323have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants 5324or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex 5325layers that are going to be agreed upon. 5326 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World 5327% 5328... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee 5329thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe 5330biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum 5331cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ... 5332 5333 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto... 5334% 5335... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six 5336million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch." 5337 -- The Firesign Theater 5338% 5339... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage 5340from beginning to end. 5341 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War" 5342% 5343 U X 5344e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159... 5345% 5346* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories. 5347% 5348 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel 5349 entrances; others cannot. 5350 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least 5351 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to 5352 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical 5353 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to 5354 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not 5355 of science. 5356VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. 5357 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives 5358 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, 5359 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be 5360 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, 5361 elongate, snap back, or solidify. 5362 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. 5363 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to 5364 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of 5365 watching it happen to a duck instead. 5366 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil. 5367 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons. 5368 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 5369% 5370<< WAIT >> 5371% 5372... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent 5373observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of 5374years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary 5375descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but 5376do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither 5377flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some 5378things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well 5379established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle 5380to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not 5381cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" -- 5382into doubt. 5383 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", 5384 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2. 5385% 5386... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer 5387has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor. 5388 -- Fred Brooks 5389% 5390... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby 5391Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all 5392piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot 5393wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded 5394right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but 5395poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the 5396hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt 5397to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with 5398anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it? 5399 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and 5400barely able to walk. 5401 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers. 5402 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor. 5403 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison, 5404"The good news first!" 5405 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live." 5406 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?" 5407The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in 5408the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of 5409his life." 5410% 5411!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH 5412% 54131: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. 54142: An inclined plane is a slope up. 54153: A slow pup is a lazy dog. 5416 5417QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog. 5418 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play" 5419% 5420(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the 5421 furniture, shelves, and showcases. 5422(2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks. 5423 Wash the windows once a week. 5424(3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of 5425 coal for the day's business. 5426(4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your 5427 individual taste. 5428(5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except 5429 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each 5430 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending 5431 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord. 5432 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage 5433 Works, 1872 5434% 54351 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1. 5436% 54371. If it doesn't smell like chilli, it probably isn't. 54382. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it. 54393. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers. 54404. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline. 54415. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard. 54426. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you. 54437. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way. 54448. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs. 54459. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails. 544610. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors". 5447 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips" 5448% 5449[1] Alexander the Great was a great general. 5450[2] Great generals are forewarned. 5451[3] Forewarned is forearmed. 5452[4] Four is an even number. 5453[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 5454[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 5455 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. 5456% 5457[1] Alexander the Great was a great general. 5458[2] Great generals are forewarned. 5459[3] Forewarned is forearmed. 5460[4] Four is an even number. 5461[5] Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 5462[6] The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 5463 Therefore, all horses are black. 5464% 54651. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. 54662. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. 54673. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. 54684. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as 5469 the social ramble ain't restful. 54705. Avoid running at all times. 54716. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you. 5472 -- S. Paige, c. 1951 5473% 54741 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman 54756.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number 54762 pints = 1 Cavort 5477Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower 5478Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line 54796 Curses = 1 Hexahex 54803500 Calories = 1 Food Pound 54811 Mole = 007 Secret Agents 54821 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees 54831 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo 54841000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew 54852.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League 54862000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton 548710 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope 5488Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle 54898 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss 5490365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year 549116.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 5492Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton 5493 to 1 meter per second 5494One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon 549510 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm 54961000 pains = 1 Megahertz 54971 Word = 1 Millipicture 54981 Sagan = Billions & Billions 54991 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes 550010 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone 550110 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles 5502The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen 5503% 55041 bulls, 3 cows. 5505% 55061) Everything depends. 55072) Nothing is always. 55083) Everything is sometimes. 5509% 55101) Never draw what you can copy. 55112) Never copy what you can trace. 55123) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 5513% 55141. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than 5515you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait). 55163. Always take back everything if you possibly can. 5517 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing 5518% 55191: No code table for op: ++post 5520% 55211) X=Y ; Given 55222) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X 55233) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides 55244) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor 55255) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term 55266) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1 55277) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y 5528 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1 5529% 553010. Not everybody looks good naked. 5531 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee. 5532 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee. 5533 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe! 5534 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na. 5535 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio. 5536 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style. 5537 3. A drum solo cannot be too long. 5538 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again. 5539 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to 5540 future generations. 5541 -- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock 5542% 554310 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 5544 5545 1. A beer won't make you go to church. 5546 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. 5547 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. 5548 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of 5549 other beers on the side. 5550 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of 5551 "doberperson". 5552 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian 5553 folk music on yer fave radio station. 5554 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny. 5555 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the 5556 toilet seat up. 5557 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an 5558 enormous can of vegetable juice. 555910. A beer won't smoke in your car. 5560% 5561100 buckets of bits on the bus 5562100 buckets of bits 5563Take one down, short it to ground 5564FF buckets of bits on the bus 5565 5566FF buckets of bits on the bus 5567FF buckets of bits 5568Take one down, short it to ground 5569FE buckets of bits on the bus... 5570 5571ad infinitum... 5572% 5573$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will 5574increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing. 5575 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 5576% 557710.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 5578% 55791/2 oz. gin 55801/2 oz. vodka 55811/2 oz. rum (preferably dark) 55823/4 oz. tequilla 55831/2 oz. triple sec 55841/2 oz. orange juice 55853/4 oz. sour mix 55861/2 oz. cola 5587shake with ice and strain into frosted glass. 5588 Long Island Iced Tea 5589% 559013. ... r-q1 5591% 559217. HO HUM -- The Redundant 5593 5594------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme 5595--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife 5596------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working 5597---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop 5598---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates 5599--- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. 5600 5601Nine in the second place means: 5602 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. 5603 5604Six in the third place means: 5605 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal 5606 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! 5607% 560817th Rule of Friendship: 5609 5610A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount 5611of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is 5612noncancellable. 5613 -- Esquire, May 1977 5614% 5615186,000 miles per second: 5616It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! 5617% 56181893 The ideal brain tonic 56191900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all 5620 soda fountains 56211905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent 56221905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain 56231906 The drink of QUALITY 56241907 Good to the last drop 56251907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate 56261907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea 56271908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate 56281917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola 56291919 It satisfies thirst 56301919 The taste is the test 56311922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst 56321922 Thirst knows no season 56331925 Enjoy the sociable drink 5634 -- Coca-Cola slogans 5635% 56361925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty 56371929 The high sign of refreshment 56381929 The pause that refreshes 56391930 It had to be good to get where it is 56401932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing 56411935 The pause that brings friends together 56421937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed 56431938 The best friend thirst ever had 56441939 Thirst stops here 56451942 It's the real thing 56461947 Have a Coke 56471961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING 56481963 Things go better with Coke 56491969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand 56501979 Have a Coke and a smile 56511982 Coke is it! 5652 -- Coca-Cola slogans 5653% 56541st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY! 5655 56562nd graffitiest: Why? 5657% 5658$3,000,000. 5659% 5660355/113 -- 5661 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation. 5662% 56633M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art 5664and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests 5665that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the 5666adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively 5667tacky" meant until I read today's fortune. 5668 5669 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.] 5670% 56713rd Law of Computing: 5672 Anything that can go wr 5673fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped 5674% 567540 isn't old. If you're a tree. 5676% 56774.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986 5678 5679You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a 5680575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien 5681tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the 5682575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The 5683Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the 5684130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He 5685has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until 5686Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark... 5687 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd 5688% 5689(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting 5690 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church. 5691(7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the 5692 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible 5693 and other good books. 5694(8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly 5695 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years, 5696 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters. 5697(9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink 5698 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets 5699 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect 5700 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty. 5701(10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and 5702 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of 5703 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the 5704 business permit it. 5705 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage 5706 Works, 1872 5707% 57086 oz. orange juice 57091 oz. vodka 57101/2 oz. Galliano 5711 Harvey Wallbangers 5712% 57137:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 5714 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 5715 Redwood Forest. 5716 57177:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 5718 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 5719 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 5720% 572190% of the work takes 90% of the time. 5722The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time. 5723% 572494% of the women in America are beautiful 5725and the rest hang out around here. 5726% 572799 blocks of crud on the disk, 572899 blocks of crud! 5729You patch a bug, and dump it again: 5730100 blocks of crud on the disk! 5731 5732100 blocks of crud on the disk, 5733100 blocks of crud! 5734You patch a bug, and dump it again: 5735101 blocks of crud on the disk! 5736% 5737A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor. 5738 -- B. Franklin 5739% 5740A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice 5741at one end and no responsibility at the other. 5742% 5743A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once. 5744% 5745A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy 5746who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. 5747 -- Don Quinn 5748% 5749A bachelor is an unaltared male. 5750% 5751A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty 5752and a boy for ever. 5753 -- Helen Rowland 5754% 5755A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot 5756the horse, but it don't fix the leg. 5757% 5758A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and 5759ask for it back the when it begins to rain. 5760 -- Robert Frost 5761% 5762A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the 5763sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 5764 -- Mark Twain 5765% 5766A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke. 5767 -- Kipling 5768% 5769A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad. 5770 -- Emerson 5771% 5772A beer delayed is a beer denied. 5773% 5774A beginning is the time for taking the 5775most delicate care that balances are correct. 5776 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib" 5777% 5778A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money. 5779 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget 5780% 5781A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president. 5782A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. 5783A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. 5784A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury. 5785% 5786A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on 5787a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their 5788jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. 5789 5790The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra! 5791 Fantastic! We'll be famous!" 5792The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know 5793 there's one white zebra." 5794The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is 5795 white on one side." 5796The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!" 5797% 5798A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. 5799 -- Cervantes 5800% 5801A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 5802% 5803A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. 5804% 5805A bit of talcum 5806Is always walcum 5807 -- Ogden Nash 5808% 5809A black cat crossing your path signifies 5810that the animal is going somewhere. 5811 -- Groucho Marx 5812% 5813A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems 5814best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to 5815serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the 5816schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to 5817work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if 5818not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent, 5819elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such 5820stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be 5821supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real 5822professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the 5823academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms, 5824and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating 5825resource centers along the roads. 5826 -- The Underground Grammarian 5827% 5828A bore is a man who talks so much about 5829himself that you can't talk about yourself. 5830% 5831A bore is someone who persists in holding his 5832own views after we have enlightened him with ours. 5833% 5834A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun. 5835% 5836A box without hinges, key, or lid, 5837Yet golden treasure inside is hid. 5838 -- J.R. Tolkien 5839% 5840A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance 5841of turning around three times before lying down. 5842 -- Robert Benchley 5843% 5844A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed. 5845 -- John Steinbeck 5846% 5847A budget is just a method of worrying 5848before you spend money, as well as afterward. 5849% 5850A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. 5851% 5852A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. 5853% 5854A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by 5855hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They 5856drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and 5857found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens 5858got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an 5859experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. 5860 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens 5861got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's 5862friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!" 5863 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple 5864pole in a complex plane." 5865% 5866A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon; 5867The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune; 5868Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew, 5869And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou. 5870 -- Robert W. Service 5871% 5872A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files 5873is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it. 5874% 5875A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator. 5876 -- Paul Valery 5877% 5878"A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQURI!!" 5879 -- Zippy the Pinhead 5880% 5881A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich 5882and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. 5883% 5884A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes 5885to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him 5886and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross 5887examine him about his recent diet. 5888 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be 5889the problem?" 5890 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be. 5891Tell me a bit about this missionary." 5892 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was 5893walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged 5894him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him." 5895 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles 5896the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!" 5897% 5898A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair. 5899% 5900A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island 5901on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed 5902and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms 5903with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days 5904until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief 5905and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the 5906spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks." 5907% 5908A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith 5909does not prove anything. 5910 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 5911% 5912A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. 5913% 5914A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. 5915Kites rise against the wind, not with it. 5916% 5917A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who 5918had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether 5919various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue 5920invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, 5921and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and 5922asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop 5923between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex 5924string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk 5925was enlightened. 5926 5927From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after 5928string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, 5929who passed it on to theirs. 5930% 5931A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some 5932time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One 5933evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through 5934the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when 5935the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too 5936much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot. 5937 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. 5938The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up 5939after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled 5940to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, 5941silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could 5942go on to the kitty afterworld complete. 5943 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know 5944the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM." 5945% 5946A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed 5947a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke 5948with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked 5949in as Mr. and Mrs. 5950 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front 5951desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed 5952a bill for $2500. 5953 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for 5954only three days." 5955 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month 5956and a half." 5957% 5958A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. 5959% 5960A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere 5961coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not 5962to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. 5963 -- Dave Barry 5964% 5965A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on 5966Saturday and is going to do on Monday. 5967 -- Thomas Ybarra 5968% 5969A chronic disposition to inquiry 5970deprives domestic felines of vital qualities. 5971% 5972A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit 5973will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. 5974% 5975A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but 5976won't cross the street to vote in a national election. 5977 -- Bill Vaughan 5978% 5979A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. 5980 -- Herbert Prochnow 5981% 5982A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity. 5983% 5984A classic is something that everyone wants to have read 5985and nobody wants to read. 5986 -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature" 5987% 5988A clever prophet makes sure of the event first. 5989% 5990A closed mouth gathers no foot. 5991% 5992A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such 5993a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the 5994sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will 5995know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons. 5996 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 5997% 5998A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 5999 60001. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. 6001 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose 6002 valuable scientific objectivity. 6003 60042. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. 6005 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the 6006 gentleness and reassurance he can get. 6007 60083. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. 6009 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. 6010% 6011A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 6012 60134. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. 6014 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into 6015 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent 6016 disability you may have experienced. 6017 60185. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. 6019 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be 6020 explained in terms that you would understand. 6021 60226. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMANTAL TREATMENT READILY. 6023 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting 6024 research paper will surely be of widespread interest. 6025% 6026A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 6027 60287. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. 6029 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, 6030 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. 6031 60328. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. 6033 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. 6034 60359. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE 6036 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. 6037 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a 6038 sacred duty to protect him from exposure. 6039 604010. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. 6041 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. 6042% 6043A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief 6044as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of 6045dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive. 6046 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy" 6047% 6048A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. 6049 -- Milton Berle 6050% 6051A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. 6052 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 6053% 6054A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, 6055scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom. 6056 -- Parkinson 6057% 6058A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth. 6059 -- R. Stallman 6060% 6061A company is known by the men it keeps. 6062% 6063A complex system that works is invariably 6064found to have evolved from a simple system that works. 6065% 6066A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil. 6067 -- Victor Hugo 6068% 6069[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. 6070 -- Joseph Campbell 6071% 6072A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, 6073with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla. 6074 -- Mitch Ratcliffe 6075% 6076A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling 6077the president one of the latest talking computers. 6078Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any quesstion 6079 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the 6080 speed of light?" 6081Computer: 186,000 miles per second. 6082Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?" 6083Computer: George Washington. 6084President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question. 6085 Where is my father?" 6086Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia. 6087President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty 6088 years ago!" 6089Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just 6090 landed a twelve pound bass. 6091% 6092A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. 6093% 6094A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate 6095cake without ketchup and mustard. 6096% 6097A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. 6098% 6099A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can 6100do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. 6101 -- Fred Allen 6102% 6103A CONS is an object which cares. 6104 -- Bernie Greenberg. 6105% 6106A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. 6107 -- Elbert Hubbard 6108% 6109A conservative is a man 6110who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. 6111 -- Alfred E. Wiggam 6112% 6113A conservative is a man 6114with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. 6115 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 6116% 6117A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. 6118% 6119A couch is as good as a chair. 6120% 6121A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. 6122 -- B. Franklin 6123% 6124A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the 6125beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, 6126one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods 6127like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game 6128Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with 6129his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the 6130Game Warden finally caught up to him. 6131 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The 6132man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing 6133license. 6134 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb 6135as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!" 6136 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back 6137there, he don't have one!" 6138% 6139A cousin of mine once said about money, 6140money is always there but the pockets change; 6141it is not in the same pockets after a change, 6142and that is all there is to say about money. 6143 -- Gertrude Stein 6144% 6145A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased 6146in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at 6147each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting 6148and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are 6149the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn. 6150 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as 6151well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion 6152houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four 6153fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network 6154of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant 6155complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main 6156ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of 6157this central section. 6158 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and 6159colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In 6160brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two 6161hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy. 6162% 6163A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste. 6164 -- Whitney Balliett 6165% 6166A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels 6167qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic 6168in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally. 6169% 6170A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. 6171 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 6172% 6173A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? 6174% 6175A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice. 6176% 6177A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant. 6178% 6179A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice. 6180% 6181A day without sunshine is like night. 6182% 6183A dead man cannot bite. 6184 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey) 6185% 6186A debugged program is one for which you have 6187not yet found the conditions that make it fail. 6188 -- Jerry Ogdin 6189% 6190A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their" 6191Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of 6192their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the 6193society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the 6194domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness 6195is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich. 6196 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83 6197% 6198A Difficulty for Every Solution. 6199 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service 6200% 6201A diplomat is a man who can convince his 6202wife she'd look stout in a fur coat. 6203% 6204A diplomat is a man who can tell you to 6205go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable. 6206 -- Samuel Clemens 6207% 6208A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell 6209in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. 6210 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red" 6211% 6212A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. 6213 -- Robert Frost 6214% 6215A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember 6216your birthday when you never look any older?" 6217% 6218A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol. 6219 -- Adlai Stevenson 6220% 6221A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman 6222inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest 6223of her life?" 6224 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before 6225the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my 6226condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'". 6227% 6228A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano. 6229% 6230A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have 6231some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is 6232that you only have six weeks to live." 6233 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than 6234that?" 6235 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since 6236last Monday." 6237% 6238A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested 6239waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The 6240lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional 6241courtesy," he explained. 6242% 6243A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. 6244 -- Ogden Nash 6245% 6246A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him 6247what he meant. 6248 -- Wilson Mizner 6249% 6250A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance. 6251 -- Stanislaw Lem 6252% 6253A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to 6254a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate 6255a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury 6256an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them." 6257% 6258A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 6259 -- Klipstein 6260% 6261A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. 6262% 6263A fair exterior is a silent recommendation. 6264 -- Publilius Syrus 6265% 6266A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer 6267should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around 6268she deserved. 6269 -- R.A. Heinlein 6270% 6271A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox 62721108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, 6273the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked 6274"what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a 6275cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of 6276the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head 6277with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. 6278% 6279A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. 6280 -- Winston Churchill 6281% 6282A farmer is a man outstanding in his field. 6283% 6284A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty 6285m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running 6286alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is 6287running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty 6288m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly 6289takes off and disappears into the distance. 6290 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know, 6291the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least 6292sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!" 6293 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's 6294me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for 6295dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens. 6296So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could 6297have a drumstick." 6298 "How do they taste?" said the farmer. 6299 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch 6300one yet." 6301% 6302A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase. 6303He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought 6304to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name 6305should be masculine or feminine. 6306 After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either 6307Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice. 6308 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of 6309them looked at him pecularly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and 6310went on their way rather quickly. 6311 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black 6312belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine." 6313 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he 6314asked. 6315 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were 6316masculine." 6317 "Unhhh... Well, why not?" 6318 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want 6319it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she 6320go!'" 6321 6322 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental 6323 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.] 6324% 6325A few hours grace before the madness begins again. 6326% 6327A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles. 6328% 6329A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat, 6330rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked 6331down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying 6332on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police 6333station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains, 6334drowned in the lake!" 6335 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal 6336more chain than he can swim with?" 6337% 6338A fitter fits; Though sinners sin 6339A cutter cuts; And thinners thin 6340And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot 6341A baby-sitter I've never yet 6342Baby-sits -- Had letters let 6343But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot. 6344 6345A batter bats 6346(Or scatters scats); 6347A potting shed's for potting; 6348But no one's found 6349A bounder bound 6350Or caught an otter otting. 6351 -- Ralph Lewin 6352% 6353A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood 6354waiting for a taxi. 6355 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west." 6356 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange." 6357% 6358A fool and his honey are soon parted. 6359% 6360A fool and his money are soon popular. 6361% 6362A fool and your money are soon partners. 6363% 6364A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity. 6365A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes. 6366% 6367A fool must now and then be right by chance. 6368% 6369A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. 6370 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 6371% 6372A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block 6373of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. 6374% 6375A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into 6376superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. 6377 -- G.B. Shaw 6378% 6379A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. 6380 -- D. Gries 6381% 6382A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis. 6383% 6384A fox is wolf who sends flowers. 6385 -- Ruth Weston 6386% 6387A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps. 6388 -- Robert Benchley 6389% 6390A friend in need is a pest indeed. 6391% 6392A friend is a present you give yourself. 6393 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 6394% 6395A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. 6396You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better. 6397 -- Steven Wright 6398% 6399A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates 6400lawyers more than he hates his wife. 6401% 6402A friend with weed is a friend indeed. 6403% 6404A full belly makes a dull brain. 6405 -- Ben Franklin 6406 6407 [and the local candy machine man. Ed] 6408% 6409A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other 6410people's demands. 6411% 6412A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! 6413% 6414A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet. 6415His next biggest thrill is losing a bet. 6416% 6417A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained 6418that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three 6419assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win. 6420They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they 6421each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with 6422the engineer: 6423 6424Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got? 6425Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle 6426 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide 6427 electrical shock to the horse. 6428G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist. 6429Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that disolves 6430 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore 6431 cannot be detected in post-race tests. 6432G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before 6433 I decide what to do. Physicist? 6434 6435Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion... 6436% 6437A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on. 6438 -- Evan Esar 6439 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.] 6440% 6441A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on. 6442 -- Fred Allen 6443% 6444A gift of a flower will soon be made to you. 6445% 6446A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely a coincidence. A girl and 6447a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another coincidence. But 6448when a girl gives a boy a dead squid, *that had to mean SOMETHING!* 6449% 6450A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. 6451A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. 6452But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *that had to mean something*. 6453 -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" 6454% 6455A girl with a future avoids the man with a past. 6456 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor" 6457% 6458A girl's best friend is her mutter. 6459 -- Dorothy Parker 6460% 6461A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong-- 6462it merely keeps her from enjoying it. 6463% 6464A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like 6465a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). 6466% 6467A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. 6468Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. 6469The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it 6470had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice 6471firm tuft of grass. 6472 -- Donald A. Metz 6473% 6474A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in 6475the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the 6476rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between 6477the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be 6478penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such 6479uncontrollable physical phenomena. 6480 -- Donald A. Metz 6481% 6482A good man always knows his limitations. 6483 -- Harry Callahan 6484% 6485A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband. 6486 -- Michel de Montaigne 6487% 6488A good memory does not equal pale ink. 6489% 6490A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, 6491all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever. 6492 -- J. Hawes 6493% 6494A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. 6495 -- Patton 6496% 6497A good reputation is more valuable than money. 6498 -- Publilius Syrus 6499% 6500A good scapegoat is hard to find. 6501% 6502A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine. 6503% 6504A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you 6505call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. 6506"That's dynamite, baby." 6507 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 6508% 6509A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to 6510you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to 6511you about yourself. 6512 -- Lisa Kirk 6513% 6514A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on 6515the table after you eat. 6516% 6517A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch. 6518 -- James Beard 6519% 6520A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough 6521to take it all away. 6522 -- Barry Goldwater 6523% 6524A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough 6525to take it all away. 6526 -- Barry Goldwater 6527% 6528A grammarian's life is always intense. 6529% 6530A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. 6531 -- B. Franklin 6532% 6533A great many people think they are thinking 6534when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. 6535 -- William James 6536% 6537A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The 6538green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that 6539grew in the ears themselvse, stuck out on either side like turn signals 6540indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the 6541bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled 6542with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor 6543of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down 6544upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department 6545store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several 6546of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be 6547properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of 6548anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and 6549geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul. 6550 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces" 6551% 6552A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals 6553are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for 6554not going to church on Sunday. 6555 -- Russell Baker 6556% 6557A guilty conscience is the mother of invention. 6558 -- Carolyn Wells 6559% 6560A guy has to get fresh once in a while 6561so a girl doesn't lose her confidence. 6562% 6563A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. 6564% 6565A halted retreat 6566Is nerve-wracking and dangerous. 6567To retain people as men -- and maidservants 6568Brings good fortune. 6569% 6570A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never. 6571% 6572A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold. 6573% 6574A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. 6575% 6576A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own 6577weight in other people's patience. 6578 -- John Updike 6579% 6580A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question: 6581 6582If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save 6583a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning 6584photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would 6585you use? 6586 6587 -- Paul Harvey 6588% 6589A Hen Brooding Kittens 6590 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county, 6591a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three 6592kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring 6593says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that 6594she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young 6595felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at 6596her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings. 6597 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861 6598% 6599A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity. 6600% 6601A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top 6602of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work. 6603 -- Adolf Hitler 6604% 6605A holding company is a thing where you hand 6606an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you. 6607% 6608A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone. 6609 "Hello?" his friend answers. 6610 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?" 6611 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay 6612for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the 6613studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television 6614series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit! 6615I'm doing *great*! How are you?" 6616 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves." 6617% 6618A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for? 6619% 6620"A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book 6621The Martian Chronicles?' I said, `Yes?' He said, `You know where you 6622talk about Deimos rising in the East?' I said, `Yes?' He said `No.' 6623-- So I hit him." 6624 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury 6625% 6626A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! 6627 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 6628% 6629A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong! 6630% 6631A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The 6632Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered. 6633 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901. 6634% 6635A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. 6636 -- Helen Rowland 6637% 6638A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't? 6639 -- Don Marquis 6640% 6641A hypothetical paradox: 6642 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, 6643who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial 6644Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? 6645 -- Tom Galloway 6646% 6647A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. 6648C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. 6649E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. 6650G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. 6651I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. 6652K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. 6653M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui. 6654O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl 6655Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. 6656S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. 6657U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. 6658W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice. 6659Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. 6660 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines" 6661% 6662A is for Apple. 6663 -- Hester Pryne 6664% 6665A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and 6666B is for biff, which reads all your mail. 6667C is for cc, as hackers recall, while 6668D is for dd, the command that does all. 6669E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and 6670F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees. 6671G is for grep, a clever detective, while 6672H is for halt, which may seem defective. 6673I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and 6674J is for join, which nobody uses. 6675K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while 6676L is for lex, which is missing from DOS. 6677M is for more, from which less was begot, and 6678N is for nice, which it really is not. 6679O is for od, which prints out things nice, while 6680P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice. 6681Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and 6682R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table. 6683S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while 6684T is for true, which does very little. 6685U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and 6686V is for vi, which is hard to abort. 6687W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while 6688X is, well, X, of dubious fame. 6689Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and 6690Z is for zcat, which handles compression. 6691 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX 6692% 6693A joint is just tea for two. 6694% 6695A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam. 6696% 6697A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. 6698 -- Lao Tsu 6699% 6700A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet. 6701 -- Lao Tsu 6702% 6703A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it; 6704Earthen vessels 6705Simply handed in through the window. 6706There is certainly no blame in this. 6707% 6708A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. 6709 -- Robert Frost 6710% 6711A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a 6712good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs. 6713% 6714A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually. 6715% 6716A kind of Batman of contemporary letters. 6717 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess 6718% 6719A king's castle is his home. 6720% 6721A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, 6722for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when 6723words are superfluous. 6724% 6725A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 6726% 6727A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. 6728 -- Lillian Day 6729% 6730A lady with one of her ears applied 6731To an open keyhole heard, inside, 6732Two female gossips in converse free -- 6733The subject engaging them was she. 6734"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks 6735That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" 6736As soon as no more of it she could hear 6737The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 6738"I will not stay," she said with a pout, 6739"To hear my character lied about!" 6740 -- Gopete Sherany 6741% 6742A language that doesn't affect the way you 6743think about programming is not worth knowing. 6744% 6745A language that doesn't have everything is 6746actually easier to program in than some that do. 6747 -- D.M. Ritchie 6748% 6749A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in 6750the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days 6751and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state 6752line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How 6753do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan. 6754 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered, 6755there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of 6756110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and 6757third, make love to an Eskimo woman." 6758 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of 6759this here corn liquor?" 6760 "Got one right here," replied the guard. 6761 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash. 6762"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?" 6763 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout 6764a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff." 6765 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned 6766with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was 6767smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you 6768want killed?" 6769% 6770A large number of installed systems work by fiat. 6771That is, they work by being declared to work. 6772 -- Anatol Holt 6773% 6774A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies. 6775Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured 6776him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and 6777quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around 6778above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said, 6779"Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light 6780where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house." 6781So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other 6782flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said, 6783"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be 6784silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck 6785to the flypaper with all the other flies. 6786 6787Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. 6788 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly" 6789% 6790A Law of Computer Programming: 6791 Make it possible for programmers to write in English 6792 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English. 6793% 6794A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. 6795 -- Robert Frost 6796% 6797A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. 6798 -- Willis Player 6799% 6800A liberal is someone too poor to be a 6801capitalist, and too rich to be a communist. 6802% 6803A lie in time saves nine. 6804% 6805A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of 6806trouble. 6807 -- Adlai Stevenson 6808% 6809A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent. 6810% 6811A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about. 6812% 6813A light wife doth make a heavy husband. 6814 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 6815% 6816A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. 6817 -- Aristotle 6818% 6819A LISP programmer knows the value of 6820everything, but the cost of nothing. 6821 -- Alan Perlis 6822% 6823A list is only as strong as its weakest link. 6824 -- Don Knuth 6825% 6826A little experience often upsets a lot of theory. 6827% 6828A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. 6829 -- C.E. Ayres 6830% 6831A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. 6832 -- H.H. Munro, "Saki" 6833% 6834A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad 6835right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you 6836know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the 6837little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good, 6838then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?" 6839% 6840A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems 6841have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, 6842those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are 6843the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, 6844APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them 6845with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS. 6846 -- Fred Brooks 6847% 6848A little word of doubtful number, 6849A foe to rest and peaceful slumber. 6850If you add an "s" to this, 6851Great is the metamorphosis. 6852Plural is plural now no more, 6853And sweet what bitter was before. 6854What am I? 6855% 6856A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile. 6857% 6858A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. 6859% 6860A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. 6861Buy the negatives at any price. 6862% 6863A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. 6864% 6865A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. 6866 -- Steve Wright 6867% 6868A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, 6869and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. 6870 -- Lew Col 6871% 6872A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all. 6873 -- Thomas Hardy 6874% 6875A major, with wonderful force, 6876Called out in Hyde Park for a horse. 6877 All the flowers looked round, 6878 But no horse could be found; 6879So he just rhododendron, of course. 6880% 6881A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. 6882 -- Carrie Snow 6883% 6884A man always needs to remember one thing about 6885a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her. 6886% 6887A man always remembers his first love with special 6888tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them. 6889 -- Mencken 6890% 6891A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend, 6892who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the 6893lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win, 6894you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see 6895her again. Okay?" 6896 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point 6897on the side to make it interesting?" 6898% 6899A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After 6900that it's cheating. 6901 -- Yves Montand 6902% 6903A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen 6904or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. 6905 -- Joan Rivers 6906% 6907A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. 6908 -- Du Bois 6909% 6910A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it. 6911By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he 6912was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out, 6913 "Is anybody there?" 6914A deep majestic voice answered, 6915 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?" 6916 "Help me!!" cried the man. 6917 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and 6918you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust." 6919The man thought for a moment and cried out: 6920 "Anybody ELSE up there?" 6921% 6922A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles 6923in the road. 6924 -- Alexander Smith 6925% 6926A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting 6927next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm* 6928Polish." 6929 He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother." 6930Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room. 6931 "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl 6932with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with 6933the joke. 6934 "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?" 6935 "Nah," says the man. 6936 "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish 6937man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?" 6938 "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it 6939five times." 6940% 6941A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. 6942 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek" 6943% 6944A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. 6945 -- Brendan Francis 6946% 6947A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another 6948man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man 6949whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give... 6950water..." 6951 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water 6952with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie." 6953 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*." 6954 "They're only four dollars apiece." 6955 "I need *water*." 6956 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars." 6957 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man. 6958 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, 6959and he heads off into the distance. 6960 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days. 6961Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he 6962sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he 6963staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter. 6964 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer. 6965 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required." 6966% 6967A man is known by the company he organizes. 6968 -- A. Bierce 6969% 6970A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart, 6971He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart. 6972 -- Richard Thompson 6973% 6974A man is only as old as the woman he feels. 6975 -- Groucho Marx 6976% 6977A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the 6978longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, 6979followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred 6980other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity 6981no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners. 6982 "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, 6983but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is 6984the funeral for?" 6985 "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother- 6986in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman 6987attacked and killed her." 6988 "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you 6989don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?" 6990 "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line." 6991% 6992A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and 6993antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not 6994from around here, are you?" 6995 "No," replies the man with the antennae. 6996 "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American, 6997either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!" 6998 "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars." 6999 "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got 7000there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything." 7001 "We Martians all have four arms and antennae." 7002 "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that 7003big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all 7004Martians have that?" 7005 "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*." 7006% 7007A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be 7008bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. 7009 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" 7010% 7011A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything. 7012 -- Samuel Johnson 7013% 7014A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled, 7015but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim. 7016% 7017A man may well bring a horse to the water, 7018but he cannot make him drink with he will. 7019 -- John Heywood 7020% 7021A man of genius makes no mistakes. 7022His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. 7023 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" 7024% 7025A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. 7026% 7027A man said to the Universe: 7028 "Sir, I exist!" 7029 "However," replied the Universe, 7030 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." 7031 -- Stephen Crane 7032% 7033A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her 7034some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before 7035he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who 7036might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told 7037her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to 7038her aid. 7039 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly 7040by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing 7041in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel. 7042 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset. 7043 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I 7044just want to get my saddle back!" 7045% 7046A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions 7047he is able to answer. 7048 -- Ronald Colman 7049% 7050A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a 7051late card games. 7052 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife," 7053he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast 7054into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and 7055tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always 7056wakes up and gives me hell." 7057 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied. 7058 "You do?" 7059 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights, 7060stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say. 7061`How about a little smooch for your old man?'" 7062 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief. 7063 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends 7064she's asleep." 7065% 7066A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly, 7067 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee, 7068why did you Di......eeee" 7069The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely, 7070 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now, 7071carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased." 7072 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee, 7073why....eeeee did you.." 7074 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so? 7075Tell, me who is buried here?" 7076 "My wife's first husband." 7077% 7078A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either. 7079 -- Soren Kierkegaard 7080% 7081A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn 7082in no other way. 7083% 7084A man who fishes for marlin in ponds 7085will put his money in Etruscan bonds. 7086% 7087A man who likes to lie in bed can usually 7088find a girl willing to listen to him. 7089% 7090A man who turns green has eschewed protein. 7091% 7092A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey. 7093% 7094A man with one watch knows what time it is. 7095A man with two watches is never quite sure. 7096% 7097A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. 7098% 7099A man without a woman is like a fish without gills. 7100% 7101A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons. 7102% 7103A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create 7104destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in 7105turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man 7106would deliberately go mad to prove his point. 7107 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground" 7108% 7109A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. 7110% 7111A man's best friend is his dogma. 7112% 7113A man's gotta know his limitations. 7114 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry" 7115% 7116A man's house is his castle. 7117 -- Sir Edward Coke 7118% 7119A man's house is his hassle. 7120% 7121A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk. 7122 "It is right before your eyes," said the master. 7123 "Why do I not see it for myself?" 7124 "Because you are thinking of yourself." 7125 "What about you: do you see it?" 7126 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so 7127on, your eyes are clouded," said the master. 7128 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?" 7129 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', 7130who is the one that wants to see it?" 7131% 7132A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and 7133observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As 7134they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump. 7135 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may 7136yet save her!!" 7137 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my 7138understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water 7139from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and 71406 feet high." 7141 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle." 7142% 7143A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. 7144 -- P. Erdos 7145% 7146A meeting is an event at which the 7147minutes are kept and the hours are lost. 7148% 7149A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, 7150but to protect the writer. 7151 -- Dean Acheson 7152% 7153A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start, 7154and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim. 7155 -- Leibnitz 7156% 7157A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed 7158on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new 7159game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the 7160pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly 7161along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their 7162heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn 7163around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite 7164direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the 7165paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin 7166colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins 7167fall over gently onto their backs. 7168 -- Audobon Society Magazine 7169% 7170A mighty creature is the germ, 7171Though smaller than the pachyderm. 7172His customary dwelling place 7173Is deep within the human race. 7174His childish pride he often pleases 7175By giving people strange diseases. 7176Do you, my poppet, feel infirm? 7177You probably contain a germ. 7178 -- Ogden Nash 7179% 7180A mind is a wonderful thing to waste. 7181% 7182A modem is a baudy house. 7183% 7184A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, 7185is the most tremendous object in the whole creation. 7186 -- Goldsmith 7187% 7188A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good 7189many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and 7190the police. 7191 -- Mr. Dooley 7192% 7193A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen 7194floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for 7195its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered, 7196terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother! 7197Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!" 7198 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its 7199children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them, 7200and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman 7201proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life. 7202 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother, 7203you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them 7204purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second 7205language?" 7206% 7207A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, 7208and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. 7209 -- Frost 7210% 7211A motion to adjourn is always in order. 7212% 7213A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. 7214% 7215A mushroom cloud has no silver lining. 7216% 7217A musician, an artist, an architect: 7218 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian. 7219 -- William Blake 7220% 7221A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes. 7222 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy" 7223% 7224A narcissist is anyone better-looking than you. 7225 -- Gore Vidal 7226% 7227A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. 7228 -- Gore Vidal 7229% 7230A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you. 7231% 7232A national debt, if it is not excessive, 7233will be to us a national blessing. 7234 -- Alexander Hamilton 7235% 7236A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on 7237loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside 7238the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe," 7239asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" 7240% 7241A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon 7242discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet, 7243still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the 7244same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at 72453,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?" 7246 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING 7247ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?" 7248% 7249A new koan: 7250 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. 7251 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. 7252It is an ice cream koan. 7253% 7254A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. 7255Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit' 7256now has no excuse for further procrastination. 7257% 7258A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time 7259had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had 7260come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to 7261catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust 7262the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to 7263it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept 7264in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers. 7265 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" 7266% 7267A New Way of Taking Pills 7268 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and 7269having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with 7270small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks 7271will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment. 7272 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861 7273% 7274A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he 7275on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges 7276over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom. 7277As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet 7278from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength. 7279"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin' 7280you now: Save me, Lord, save me." 7281 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 7282 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!" 7283 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 7284 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..." 7285 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 7286 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls 7287to his death. 7288 "DUMB YANKEE." 7289% 7290A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered 7291by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned 7292out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained 7293that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused 7294himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped 7295the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?" 7296 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the 7297onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?" 7298 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a 7299gallon or two." 7300% 7301A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure. 7302 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer 7303% 7304A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. 7305 -- Yogi Berra 7306% 7307A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be 7308passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency. 7309 -- J.K. Galbraith 7310% 7311A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. 7312 -- Phyllis Schlafly 7313% 7314A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, 7315documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him 7316one of the bests programmer in the world. Why is this?" 7317 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has 7318gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system 7319crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the 7320need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. 7321He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect 7322within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, 7323he has entered the mystery of Tao." 7324% 7325A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question. 7326 7327"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked. 7328 7329The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be 7330relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes 7331before replying. 7332 7333"I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else." 7334 7335With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved 7336enlightenment, several years later. 7337 7338Commentary: 7339 7340His Master is kind, 7341Answering his FAQ quickly, 7342With thought and sarcasm. 7343% 7344A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. 7345% 7346A pain in the ass of major dimensions. 7347 -- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits 7348% 7349A Parable of Modern Research: 7350 7351 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one 7352brightly lit corner. 7353 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!" 7354 "I can only see here." 7355% 7356A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on. 7357 -- William S. Burroughs 7358% 7359A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. 7360% 7361A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. 7362 -- Gloria Steinem 7363% 7364A pencil with no point needs no eraser. 7365% 7366"A penny for your thoughts?" 7367"A dollar for your death." 7368 -- The Odd Couple 7369% 7370A penny saved has not been spent. 7371% 7372A penny saved is a penny taxed. 7373% 7374A penny saved is ridiculous. 7375% 7376A penny saved kills your career in government. 7377% 7378A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to 7379govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures 7380on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins 7381itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and 7382manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain. 7383 -- Anatole France 7384% 7385A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages, 7386who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never 7387speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of 7388unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be! 7389 -- Thackeray 7390% 7391A person forgives only when they are in the wrong. 7392% 7393A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry. 7394% 7395A person who has both feet planted firmly 7396in the air can be safely called a liberal. 7397% 7398A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something. 7399A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest. 7400% 7401A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well 7402schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer. 7403 -- Donald Knuth 7404% 7405A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. 7406 -- Elbert Hubbard 7407% 7408A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms. 7409 -- George Wald 7410% 7411A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men 7412gets out and goes into the office. 7413 "I need some four-by-two's," he says. 7414 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk. 7415 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go 7416check." 7417 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the 7418truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be 7419acceptable. 7420 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?" 7421 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go 7422check," he says. 7423 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated 7424conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, 7425"we're building a house". 7426% 7427A pig is a jolly companion, 7428Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- 7429A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 7430Though mountains may topple and tilt. 7431When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, 7432When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, 7433Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, 7434You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, 7435You'll never go wrong with a pig! 7436 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 7437% 7438A pipe gives a wise man time to think 7439and a fool something to stick in his mouth. 7440% 7441A place for everything and everything in its place. 7442 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management" 7443 7444 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 7445 referring to memory management system services.] 7446% 7447A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it. 7448 -- Stanley Baldwin 7449% 7450A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques 7451contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain 7452edible nutriments. 7453% 7454A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. 7455% 7456A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. 7457% 7458A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard 7459about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his 7460money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the 7461finance ministry, sir," the teller replies. 7462 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks. 7463 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class," 7464the teller says. 7465 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks. 7466 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come 7467to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation. 7468 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks. 7469 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy 7470paycheck?" 7471 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984 7472% 7473A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, 7474but he has no means to realize it other than through violence. 7475 -- Jean Paul Sartre 7476% 7477A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest. 7478 -- Walt Kelly 7479% 7480A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea. 7481% 7482A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. 7483Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. 7484But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest. 7485 -- Lazarus Long 7486% 7487A prediction is worth twenty explanations. 7488 -- K. Brecher 7489% 7490A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your 7491last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something 7492of yours to press against my heart. 7493 -- Goethe 7494% 7495A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. 7496% 7497A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. 7498Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies." 7499% 7500A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? 7501 7502 And the Master answered: 7503 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. 7504It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. 7505 7506 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City 7507to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns 7508have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. 7509 7510 And that is Fate? said the priest. 7511 7512 Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. 7513 7514 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know 7515what Freight was too. 7516 -- Kehlog Albran 7517% 7518A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions. 7519 -- George Eliot 7520% 7521A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then 7522asks you not to kill him. 7523 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952 7524% 7525A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency. 7526 -- Miguel de Cervantes 7527% 7528A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 7529% 7530A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of 7531being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of 7532incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague 7533assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents 7534and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of 7535dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of 7536annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was 7537unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. 7538 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine 7539% 7540A programming language is low level 7541when its programs require attention to the irrelevant. 7542% 7543A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to 7544drink with -- even if he drank. 7545 -- Mencken 7546% 7547A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a 7548watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he 7549looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his 7550tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were 7551they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led 7552by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged, 7553killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting 7554could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle 7555emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of 7556the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions." 7557% 7558A promiscuous person is usually someone who is 7559getting more sex than you are. 7560 -- Victor Lownes 7561% 7562A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female 7563by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness. 7564 -- Aristotle 7565% 7566A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions 7567your wife asks you for nothing. 7568 -- Joey Adams 7569% 7570A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that 7571your wife will give you for free. 7572% 7573A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as 7574"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if 7575the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants 7576to make a travesty of the game. 7577 -- Donald A. Metz 7578% 7579A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans 7580over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" 7581 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a 7582Bishop." 7583 "Well, could you get any higher than that?" 7584 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I 7585might be made an Archbishop." 7586 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" 7587 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal." 7588 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" 7589 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could 7590be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will." 7591 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go 7592up from being the Pope?" 7593 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" 7594 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it." 7595% 7596A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results 7597blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. 7598 -- Steel City News 7599% 7600A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the 7601entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family. 7602 -- Saul Alinsky 7603% 7604A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having 7605his neighbour notice it. 7606 -- Trygve Lie 7607% 7608A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale, 7609commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked. 7610 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it 7611the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of 7612field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living 7613room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling 7614beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way." 7615 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer 7616looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too 7617obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe." 7618% 7619A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away. 7620A real friend is someone you can use over and over again. 7621% 7622A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to. 7623 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture. 7624% 7625A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking 7626ticket and rejoices that the system works. 7627% 7628A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen 7629objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer 7630scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration 7631needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects. 7632% 7633A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other 7634people what to do with their money. 7635 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones) 7636% 7637A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. 7638 -- Ramsey Clark 7639% 7640A robin redbreast in a cage 7641Puts all Heaven in a rage. 7642 -- Blake 7643% 7644A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single 7645man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. 7646 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 7647% 7648A rolling disk gathers no MOS. 7649% 7650A rolling stone gathers momentum. 7651% 7652A rolling stone gathers no moss. 7653 -- Publilius Syrus 7654% 7655A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who 7656demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?" 7657holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made. 7658Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me. 7659 -- Plutarch 7660% 7661A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It 7662weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a 7663banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey. 7664The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as 7665the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces) 7666is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the 7667monkey and its mother is thirdy years. One half of the weight of the monkey, 7668plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the 7669weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as 7670the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she 7671she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother 7672will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice 7673as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it 7674was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was 7675when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana? 7676% 7677A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of 7678PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs, 7679Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's 7680with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to 7681joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its 7682drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked 7683up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very 7684good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not 7685true. I'm very good in beds as well." 7686% 7687A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. 7688If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space. 7689 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars 7690% 7691A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule. 7692% 7693A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed. 7694Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid. 7695 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" 7696 7697I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter. 7698 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind 7699 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down 7700 on Broadway". 7701% 7702A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper 7703vocation?" 7704 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of 7705their minds. Others must use thier strong backs, legs and hands. This is 7706the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily, 7707such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for 7708their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of 7709the vocation must fit the individual. 7710 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the 7711scholer sobbed. 7712 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?" 7713% 7714A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and 7715making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually 7716die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it. 7717 -- Max Planck 7718% 7719A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from 7720the vexation of thinking. 7721 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831 7722% 7723A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness 7724of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving 7725water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in conciousness 7726of this necessary reorganization of our lives. 7727 7728It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the 7729recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the 7730ground. 7731 -- J.W.N. Sullivan 7732% 7733A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep 7734him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are 7735worth committing. 7736 -- Samuel Butler 7737% 7738A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself. 7739 -- Don Marquis 7740% 7741A Severe Strain on the Credulity 7742 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the 7743highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket 7744is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the 7745multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt... 7746for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its 7747flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the 7748charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in 7749Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not 7750know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something 7751better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to 7752lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. 7753 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 7754% 7755A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist 7756thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the 7757problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male 7758aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy 7759away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's 7760participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility 7761will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to 7762men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to 7763idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by 7764the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own 7765submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to 7766is to substitute moral outrage for analysis. 7767 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love" 7768% 7769A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 7770% 7771A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard. 7772 -- Prof. Steiner 7773% 7774A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. 7775 -- Joseph Stalin 7776% 7777A single flow'r he sent me, since we met. 7778All tenderly his messenger he chose; 7779Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet-- 7780One perfect rose. 7781 7782I knew the language of the floweret; 7783"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose." 7784Love long has taken for his amulet 7785One perfect rose. 7786 7787Why is it no one ever sent me yet 7788One perfect limousine, do you suppose? 7789Ah no, it's always just my luck to get 7790One perfect rose. 7791 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose" 7792% 7793A sinking ship gathers no moss. 7794 -- Donald Kaul 7795% 7796A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two. 7797% 7798A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. 7799% 7800A snake lurks in the grass. 7801 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 7802% 7803A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North 7804African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking. 7805Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier. 7806% 7807A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, 7808the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society 7809which is on its way out. 7810 -- L. Ron Hubbard 7811% 7812A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. 7813 -- Proverbs 15:1 7814% 7815A soft drink turneth away company. 7816% 7817A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg 7818that looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 7819 -- Mark Twain 7820% 7821A song in time is worth a dime. 7822% 7823A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the 7824family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks 7825when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem, 7826and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks: 7827 "How are you?" they ask. 7828 "Oh, I'm fine," he says. 7829 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?" 7830 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here 7831that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause 7832he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand 7833dollars." 7834 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary 7835Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue 7836at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure 7837enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is 7838"Where's Old Blue?" 7839 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was 7840talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue, 7841well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her 7842that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these 7843years?'" 7844 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?" 7845% 7846A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny. 7847% 7848A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years. 7849 -- Harry S. Truman 7850% 7851A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high 7852probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that 7853the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. 7854Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him. 7855% 7856A stitch in time saves nine. 7857% 7858"...A strange enigma is man!" 7859"Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested. 7860 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked 7861that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he 7862becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what 7863any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number 7864will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says 7865the statistician." 7866 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" 7867% 7868A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 7869% 7870A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 7871 -- O'Henry 7872% 7873A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt. 7874As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the 7875student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before 7876the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit 7877the student with a stick. 7878% 7879A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. 7880% 7881A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows. 7882% 7883A successful tool is one that was used to do something 7884undreamed of by its author. 7885 -- S.C. Johnson 7886% 7887A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first 7888thought of. 7889 -- Burt Bacharach 7890% 7891A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) 7892 -- by Charles Dickens 7893 7894 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place. 7895 7896The Metamorphosis LITE(tm) 7897 -- by Franz Kafka 7898 7899 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed. 7900 7901Lord of the Rings LITE(tm) 7902 -- by J.R.R. Tolkien 7903 7904 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano. 7905 7906Hamlet LITE(tm) 7907 -- by Wm. Shakespeare 7908 7909 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy 7910 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age. 7911% 7912A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) 7913 -- by Charles Dickens 7914 7915 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just 7916 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean 7917 lady who knits. 7918 7919Crime and Punishment LITE(tm) 7920 -- by Fyodor Dostoevski 7921 7922 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later 7923 feels guilty and apologizes. 7924 7925The Odyssey LITE(tm) 7926 -- by Homer 7927 7928 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home. 7929% 7930A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you. 7931% 7932A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. 7933 -- Michael Winner, British film director 7934% 7935A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes 7936of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around 7937*Boston*." 7938 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian. 7939 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for 7940help?" 7941% 7942A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. 7943 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H." 7944% 7945A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything 7946but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. 7947 -- Ambrose Bierce 7948% 7949A transistor protected by a fast-acting 7950fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. 7951% 7952A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three 7953wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels. 7954Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer 7955sitting in the yard watching the pig. 7956 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. 7957 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter 7958was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that 7959pig swam out and dragged her back to shore." 7960 "Amazing!" the salesman exlaimed. 7961 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on 7962the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did. 7963That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me. 7964Saved my life." 7965 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has 7966three wooden legs?" 7967 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you 7968got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once." 7969% 7970A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother 7971drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art. 7972 -- Shaw 7973% 7974A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 7975% 7976A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 7977% 7978A truth that's told with bad intent 7979Beats all the lies you can invent. 7980 -- William Blake 7981% 7982A university is what a college becomes 7983when the faculty loses interest in students. 7984 -- John Ciardi 7985% 7986A vacuum is a hell of a lot better 7987than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. 7988 -- Tenessee Williams 7989% 7990A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. 7991 -- Samuel Goldwyn 7992% 7993A violent man will die a violent death. 7994 -- Lao Tsu 7995% 7996A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work. 7997% 7998A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work. 7999% 8000A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. 8001% 8002A waist is a terrible thing to mind. 8003 -- Ziggy 8004% 8005A watched clock never boils. 8006% 8007A well adjusted person is one who makes 8008the same mistake twice without getting nervous. 8009% 8010A well-known friend is a treasure. 8011% 8012A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges. 8013A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant. 8014Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum. 8015Software rots if not used. 8016 8017These are great mysteries. 8018 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 8019% 8020A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age. 8021 -- Addison 8022% 8023A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there 8024*for the rest of your life*. 8025 -- Jim Samuels 8026% 8027A wise man can see more from a mountain top 8028than a fool can from the bottom of a well. 8029% 8030A wise man can see more from the bottom 8031of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. 8032% 8033A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. 8034 -- Chinese proverb 8035% 8036A witty saying proves nothing. 8037 -- Voltaire 8038% 8039"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are recticent to admit, 8040let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that 8041there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, 8042completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of 8043beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. 8044It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club 8045near your person at all times." 8046 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII 8047% 8048A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit, 8049let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that 8050there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, 8051completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of 8052beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. 8053It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club 8054near your person at all times. 8055 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII 8056% 8057A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it 8058were quite a struggle. 8059 -- Edna Ferber 8060% 8061A woman can never be too rich or too thin. 8062% 8063A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how. 8064To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable. 8065 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed" 8066% 8067A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed. 8068 -- Scott 8069% 8070A woman, especially if she have the misfortune 8071of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. 8072 -- Jane Austen 8073% 8074A woman forgives the audacity of which 8075her beauty has prompted us to be guilty. 8076 -- LeSage 8077% 8078A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be 8079thankful for a good one. 8080 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings 8081% 8082A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, 8083she follows. 8084 -- Chamfort 8085% 8086A woman is like your shadow; follow her, 8087she flies; fly from her, she follows. 8088 -- Chamfort 8089% 8090A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, 8091it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. 8092 -- Nietzsche 8093% 8094A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to 8095endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. 8096 -- Nietzsche 8097% 8098A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet, 8099and stupid. 8100 -- Adolf Hitler 8101% 8102A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive 8103little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid. 8104 -- Adolf Hitler 8105% 8106A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times 8107over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of 8108pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door. 8109 -- Stendhal 8110% 8111A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither 8112physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even 8113when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting." 8114 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925 8115% 8116A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume. 8117 -- Maurine Lewis 8118% 8119A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor 8120came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you." 8121 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked. 8122 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son 8123(we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head." 8124 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no 8125one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of 8126a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under 8127the circumstances. 8128 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a 8129phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected 8130an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto 8131his head!" 8132 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung 8133up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful* 8134surprise for you!" 8135 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!" 8136% 8137A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 8138 -- Gloria Steinem 8139% 8140A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 8141Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish. 8142% 8143A woman's best protection is a little money of her own. 8144 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women" 8145% 8146A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate. 8147% 8148A word to the wise is enough. 8149 -- Miguel de Cervantes 8150% 8151A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing 8152that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker 8153watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm 8154myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself 8155and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?" 8156"To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process 8157to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed. 8158% 8159A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call 8160what he writes fiction. 8161 -- William Faulkner 8162% 8163A yawn is a silent shout. 8164 -- G.K. Chesterton 8165% 8166A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. 8167% 8168A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new 8169bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk." 8170 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860 8171% 8172A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted 8173a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to 8174have that!" she gushed. 8175 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the 8176window and grabbing the ring. 8177 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What 8178I'd give to own that," she said, sighing. 8179 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing 8180the coat. 8181 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do 8182anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said. 8183 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?" 8184% 8185A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and 8186walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous 8187woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and 8188says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll 8189allow me, I'd like to buy it for you." 8190 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some 8191pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story. 8192 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?" 8193 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that 8194I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it." 8195 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures, 8196calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks 8197at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I 8198can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?" 8199 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out 8200of the store with the woman following him in a daze. 8201 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter. 8202The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell 8203you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds." 8204 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a 8205terrific weekend." 8206% 8207A young man wrote to Mozart and said: 8208 8209Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any 8210 suggestions as to how to get started?" 8211A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with 8212 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony." 8213Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old." 8214A: "But I never asked anybody how." 8215% 8216A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive. 8217% 8218AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! 8219You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! 8220% 8221Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. 8222% 8223Abbott's Admonitions: 8224 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know. 8225 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked 8226 the question. 8227 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia 8228% 8229Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went 8230on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close. 8231% 8232Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!) 8233Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace, 8234And saw, within the moonlight in his room, 8235Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom, 8236An angel writing in a book of gold. 8237Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold, 8238And to the presence in the room he said, 8239"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head, 8240And with a look made of all sweet accord, 8241Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord." 8242"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so," 8243Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low, 8244But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then, 8245Write me as one that loves his fellow-men." 8246The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night 8247It came again with a great wakening light, 8248And showed the names whom love of God had blessed, 8249And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest. 8250 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem" 8251% 8252About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard. 8253% 8254About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. 8255% 8256About the only thing we have left that actually 8257discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork. 8258% 8259About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. 8260 -- Herbert Hoover 8261% 8262About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt 8263ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead. 8264 -- Edsger Dijkstra 8265% 8266Above all else - sky. 8267% 8268Above all things, reverence yourself. 8269% 8270Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C. 8271% 8272ABSCOND: 8273 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside 8274 of a dying relative and miss the return train. 8275% 8276abscond, v: 8277 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative 8278 and miss the return train. 8279% 8280Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases 8281great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires. 8282 -- La Rochefoucauld 8283% 8284Absence in love is like water upon fire; 8285a little quickens, but much extinguishes it. 8286 -- Hannah More 8287% 8288Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, 8289it enkindles the great. 8290% 8291Absence makes the heart forget. 8292% 8293Absence makes the heart go wander. 8294% 8295Absence makes the heart grow fonder. 8296 -- Sextus Aurelius 8297% 8298Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else. 8299% 8300Absence makes the heart grow frantic. 8301% 8302ABSENT: 8303 Exposed to the attacks of friends and 8304 acquaintances; defamed; slandered. 8305% 8306ABSENTEE: 8307 A person with an income who has had the forethought 8308 to remove themselves from the sphere of exaction. 8309% 8310Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. 8311% 8312Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.) 8313 -- Stafford Beer 8314% 8315ABSTAINER: 8316 A weak person who yields to the 8317 temptation of denying himself a pleasure. 8318% 8319Abstract: 8320 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group 8321of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar 8322and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar 8323men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than 8324their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was 8325evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF 8326test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual 8327performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve 8328immediately when tight neckwear was removed. 8329 -- Langan, L.M. and Watkins, S.M. "Pressure of Menswear on the 8330 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29, 8331 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71. 8332% 8333ABSURDITY: 8334 A statement or belief manifestly 8335 inconsistent with one's own opinion. 8336% 8337Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, 8338because the stakes are so low. 8339 -- Wallace Sayre 8340% 8341Academicians care, that's who. 8342% 8343ACADEMY: 8344 A modern school where football is taught. 8345INSTITUTE: 8346 An archaic school where football is not taught. 8347% 8348Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat. 8349% 8350Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable. 8351% 8352ACCEPTANCE TESTING: 8353 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs. 8354% 8355Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western 8356religion. Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic 8357of Western science. 8358 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" 8359% 8360Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western 8361religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of 8362Western science. 8363 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" 8364% 8365Accident: 8366 A condition in which presence of mind is good, 8367 but absence of body is better. 8368 -- Foolish Dictionary 8369% 8370Accidentally Shot 8371 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago, 8372in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to 8373bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the 8374Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead. 8375 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861 8376% 8377Accidents cause History. 8378 8379If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the 8380Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not 8381have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil 8382could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and 8383the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. 8384 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 8385% 8386According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something 8387everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the 8388national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in 8389smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and 8390most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly 8391that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for 8392Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around 8393parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox 8394decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have 8395a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly 8396sheepish grin" comes from. 8397% 8398According to all the latest reports, 8399there was no truth in any of the earlier reports. 8400% 8401According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person 8402shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than 8403fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening 8404of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of 8405the returns." 8406% 8407According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold, 8408and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms 8409and a void. 8410 -- Democritus, 400 B.C. 8411% 8412According to my best recollection, I don't remember. 8413 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo 8414% 8415According to the latest official figures, 841643% of all statistics are totally worthless. 8417% 8418According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in 8419America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. 8420Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could 8421beat up their city anytime. 8422 -- David Letterman 8423% 8424According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in 8425America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. 8426Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could 8427beat up their city anytime. 8428 -- David Letterman 8429% 8430ACCORDION: 8431 A bagpipe with pleats. 8432% 8433ACCURACY: 8434 The vice of being right. 8435% 8436Acid -- better living through chemistry. 8437% 8438Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality. 8439% 8440Acquaintance, n: 8441 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well 8442 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the 8443 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous. 8444 -- Ambrose Bierce 8445% 8446Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. 8447% 8448Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh 8449and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, 8450well, I think of my sex life. 8451 -- Glenda Jackson 8452% 8453Actor Real Name 8454 8455Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt 8456Cary Grant Archibald Leach 8457Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg 8458Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman 8459John Wayne Marion Morrison 8460Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch 8461Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr. 8462Roy Rogers Leonard Slye 8463Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg 8464% 8465Actor: So what do you do for a living? 8466Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving 8467 dishes for Chinese restaurants. 8468 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 8469% 8470Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. 8471 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely 8472 New Cynic's Calendar", 1905 8473% 8474Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me. 8475% 8476Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator 8477will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction: 8478 8479N=1. Trivialy true, since both you and the elevator 8480 only have one floor to go to. 8481 8482Assume true for N, prove for N+1: 8483 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the 8484 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you 8485 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore, 8486 it is true for all N+1 floors. 8487QED. 8488% 8489Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.) 8490% 8491ADA: 8492 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 8493 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop 8494 an ADA awareness. 8495 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 8496% 8497ADA: 8498 Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. 8499 Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness." 8500% 8501ADA, n.: 8502 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 8503Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA 8504awareness." 8505% 8506Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. 8507[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] 8508 -- Ovid 8509% 8510Adding features does not necessarily increase 8511functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker. 8512% 8513Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. 8514 -- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month" 8515 8516Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by 8517close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and 8518scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein. 8519 -- George Washington, 1732-1799 8520% 8521Adding sound to movies would be like 8522putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. 8523 -- actress Mary Pickford, 1925 8524% 8525Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done 8526something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a 8527decorous age. 8528 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 8529% 8530Adler's Distinction: 8531 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, 8532 and from the bureaucrats. 8533% 8534ADMIRATION: 8535 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. 8536% 8537ADOLESCENCE: 8538 The stage between puberty and adultery. 8539% 8540ADORE: 8541 To venerate expectantly. 8542% 8543ADULT: 8544 One old enough to know better. 8545% 8546Adults die young. 8547% 8548Advancement in position. 8549% 8550Advertisements contain the only 8551truths to be relied on in a newspaper. 8552 -- Thomas Jefferson 8553% 8554Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. 8555 -- George Orwell 8556% 8557Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human 8558intelligence long enough to get money from it. 8559% 8560Advertising Rule: 8561 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the 8562 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, 8563 that it is curable. 8564% 8565Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once. 8566% 8567Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it. 8568% 8569African violet: Such worth is rare 8570Apple blossom: Preference 8571Bachelor's button: Celibacy 8572Bay leaf: I change but in death 8573Camelia: Reflected loveliness 8574Chrysanthemum, red: I love 8575Chrysanthemum, white: Truth 8576Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love 8577Clover: Be mine 8578Crocus: Abuse not 8579Daffodil: Innocence 8580Forget-me-not: True love 8581Fuchsia: Fast 8582Gardenia: Secret, untold love 8583Honeysuckle: Bonds of love 8584Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage 8585Jasmine: Amiablity, transports of joy, sensuality 8586Leaves (dead): Melancholy 8587Lilac: Youthful innocence 8588Lilly: Purity, sweetness 8589Lilly of the valley: Return of happiness 8590Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance 8591 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. 8592% 8593After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European 8594comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited, 8595except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything 8596is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union, 8597under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is 8598permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted, 8599especially that which is prohibited. 8600 -- Newton Minow, 8601 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985 8602% 8603After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. 8604It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life 8605more advanced than the lichen family. 8606 -- Dave Barry 8607% 8608After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. 8609% 8610After a while you learn the subtle difference 8611Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, 8612And you learn that love doesn't mean security, 8613And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts 8614And presents aren't promises 8615And you begin to accept your defeats 8616With your head up and your eyes open, 8617With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, 8618And you learn to build all your roads 8619On today because tomorrow's ground 8620Is too uncertain. And futures have 8621A way of falling down in midflight, 8622After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. 8623So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting 8624For someone to bring you flowers. 8625And you learn that you really can endure... 8626That you really are strong, 8627And you really do have worth 8628And you learn and learn 8629With every goodbye you learn. 8630 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn" 8631% 8632After all, all he did was string together 8633a lot of old, well-known quotations. 8634 -- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare 8635% 8636After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. 8637% 8638After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best. 8639 -- Jean Giraudoux 8640% 8641After all my erstwhile dear, 8642My no longer cherished, 8643Need we say it was not love, 8644Just because it perished? 8645 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 8646% 8647After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for 8648you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply 8649sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. 8650 -- P.J. O'Rourke 8651% 8652After an instrument has been assembled, 8653extra components will be found on the bench. 8654% 8655After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the 8656month than you did before. 8657% 8658After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names 8659have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, 8660James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important 8661electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this 8662is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg 8663of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even 8664though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. 8665Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian 8666medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been 8667seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and 8668watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact 8669that it sinks like a stone. 8670 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 8671% 8672After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from 8673Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, 8674and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon 8675to be created." 8676 "This is true," He replied. 8677 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. 8678 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the 8679right to make his laws?" 8680 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make 8681his own." 8682 It was so granted. 8683% 8684After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, 8685claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life 8686in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his 8687bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the 8688judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000. 8689 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check, 8690Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with 8691this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you 8692take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for 8693perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?" 8694 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to 8695Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes -- 8696where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle." 8697% 8698After living in New York, you trust nobody, 8699but you believe everything. Just in case. 8700% 8701...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles 8702Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years 8703I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors, 8704and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the 8705Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they 8706did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the 8707development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with 8708one foot in his mouth.) 8709 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died" 8710% 8711After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box. 8712 -- Italian proverb 8713% 8714After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught 8715by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease 8716with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers 8717carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white. 8718 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991 8719% 8720After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access 8721cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. 8722% 8723After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that 8724throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey 8725Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago, 8726at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for 8727his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject 8728with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions 8729that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in 8730Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the 8731first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on 8732single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil. 8733According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on 8734the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic 8735charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan. 8736 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles" 8737 8738Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really 8739precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the 8740Nobel Prize in 1923. 8741% 8742After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with 8743the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only 8744the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of 8745any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried 8746deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page... 8747 8748The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The 8749Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all. 8750But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line 8751or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie 8752burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the 8753neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an 8754oriental woman who seemed to be in control." 8755 8756Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and 8757straight to the point. 8758 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 8759% 8760After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is, 8761indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem. 8762% 8763After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! 8764% 8765AFTERNOON: 8766 That part of the day we spend worrying 8767 about how we wasted the morning. 8768% 8769Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. 8770% 8771Against Idleness and Mischief 8772 8773How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell! 8774Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax! 8775And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well 8776From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes. 8777 8778In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play, 8779I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed, 8780For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day 8781For idle hands to do. Some good account at last. 8782 -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748 8783% 8784Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain. 8785 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6 8786% 8787Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. 8788% 8789Age is a tyrant who forbids, 8790at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth. 8791% 8792Agnes' Law: 8793 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. 8794% 8795Agree with them now, it will save so much time. 8796% 8797Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, 8798Or what's a heaven for ? 8799 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto" 8800% 8801Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me, 8802"How good, how good does it feel to be free?" 8803And I answer them most mysteriously: 8804"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?" 8805 -- Bob Dylan 8806% 8807Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over! 8808% 8809Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts! 8810% 8811Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu. 8812% 8813Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It 8814excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude. 8815% 8816Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts. 8817Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. 8818Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. 8819Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves. 8820% 8821Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star. 8822 -- W. Clement Stone 8823% 8824Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing. 8825 -- The Mad Dogtender 8826% 8827Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but 8828bring me a message from a young man. 8829 -- Moms Mabley 8830% 8831"Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to 8832Kansas City." 8833 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd 8834 been traded. 8835% 8836AIR: 8837 A nutritious substance supplied by 8838 a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. 8839 -- Ambrose Bierce 8840% 8841Air Force Inertia Axiom: 8842 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness. 8843% 8844Air is water with holes in it. 8845% 8846Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose. 8847% 8848Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. 8849 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, 8850 Ecole Superieure de Guerre 8851% 8852Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that. 8853 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" 8854% 8855Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether 8856machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about 8857as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim. 8858 -- Dijkstra 8859% 8860Alas, how love can trifle with itself! 8861 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona" 8862% 8863Alas, I am dying beyond my means. 8864 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed] 8865% 8866ALASKA: 8867 A prelude to "No." 8868% 8869Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself 8870or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has 8871a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and 8872Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm. 8873 -- Tom Robbins 8874% 8875ALBRECHT'S LAW: 8876 Social innovations tend to the level 8877 of minimum tolerable well-being. 8878% 8879Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. 8880The surest poison is time. 8881 -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude" 8882% 8883Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. 8884 -- George Bernard Shaw 8885% 8886Alden's Laws: 8887 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 8888 of pregnancy. 8889 (2) Always be backlit. 8890 (3) Sit down whenever possible. 8891% 8892Alden's Laws: 8893 1: Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 8894 of pregnancy. 8895 2: Always be backlit. 8896 3: Sit down whenever possible. 8897% 8898Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, 8899Aleph-null bottles of beer, 8900You take one down, and pass it around, 8901Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. 8902% 8903Alex Haley was adopted! 8904% 8905Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well 8906in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone. 8907% 8908Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was 8909the closest our country has ever been to being even. 8910 -- The Best of Will Rogers 8911% 8912Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. 8913 -- Philippe Schnoebelen 8914% 8915Algebraic symbols are used when you don't know what you're talking about. 8916% 8917Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most 8918important programming language yet developed. 8919 -- T. Cheatham 8920% 8921ALGORITHM: 8922 Trendy dance for hip programmers. 8923% 8924Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. 8925% 8926Alimony is a system by which, when two people 8927make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it. 8928 -- Peggy Joyce 8929% 8930Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. 8931 -- Arthur Baer 8932% 8933Alimony is the curse of the writing classes. 8934 -- Norman Mailer 8935% 8936Alimony is the high cost of leaving. 8937% 8938Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est. 8939% 8940Alive without breath, 8941As cold as death; 8942Never thirsty, ever drinking, 8943All in mail ever clinking. 8944% 8945All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire. 8946% 8947All art is but imitation of nature. 8948 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 8949% 8950All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 8951% 8952All bad precedents began as justifiable measures. 8953 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of 8954 Catiline", by Sallust 8955% 8956All constants are variables. 8957% 8958All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means. 8959 -- Chou En Lai 8960% 8961All flesh is grass. 8962 -- Isaiah 8963Smoke a friend today. 8964% 8965All generalizations are false, including this one. 8966 -- Mark Twain 8967% 8968All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, 8969barely presentable. 8970 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 8971% 8972All Gods were immortal. 8973 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" 8974% 8975All great discoveries are made by mistake. 8976 -- Young 8977% 8978All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time. 8979% 8980All heiresses are beautiful. 8981 -- John Dryden 8982% 8983All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky, 8984to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing. 8985 -- Yoda 8986% 8987All hope abandon, ye who enter here! 8988 -- Dante Alighieri 8989% 8990All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 8991% 8992All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, 8993ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas. 8994 -- Kingfish 8995% 8996All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that 8997makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and 8998an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. 8999 -- Samuel Beckett 9000% 9001All I need to have a good time, 9002Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. 9003With those three things I don't need no sunshine, 9004A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. 9005 9006All I want is to never grow old, 9007I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. 9008I want 97 kilos already rolled, 9009I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. 9010 9011I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills, 9012I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. 9013I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled, 9014I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. 9015 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah" 9016% 9017All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. 9018 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 9019% 9020All intelligent species own cats. 9021% 9022All is fear in love and war. 9023% 9024All is well that ends well. 9025 -- John Heywood 9026% 9027All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the 9028throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be 9029practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie 9030Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers 9031that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think, 9032that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot. 9033% 9034All kings is mostly rapscallions. 9035 --Mark Twain 9036% 9037All laws are simulations of reality. 9038 -- John C. Lilly 9039% 9040All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities. 9041 -- Dawkins 9042% 9043All men have the right to wait in line. 9044% 9045All men know the utility of useful things; 9046but they do not know the utility of futility. 9047 -- Chuang-tzu 9048% 9049All men profess honesty as long as they can. 9050To believe all men honest would be folly. 9051To believe none so is something worse. 9052 -- John Quincy Adams 9053% 9054All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car, 9055a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog. 9056Definitely a dog. 9057% 9058All most people ask of life is a constant 9059and exaggerated sense of their own importance. 9060% 9061All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get. 9062% 9063All my friends and I are crazy. 9064That's the only thing that keeps us sane. 9065% 9066All my friends are getting married, 9067Yes, they're all growing old, 9068They're all staying home on the weekend, 9069They're all doing what they're told. 9070% 9071All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. 9072 -- Jane Wagner 9073% 9074ALL NEW: 9075 Parts not interchangeable with previous model. 9076% 9077All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from 9078the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded. 9079% 9080All of the animals except man know that 9081the principal business of life is to enjoy it. 9082% 9083All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs 9084synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to 9085rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all 9086of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." 9087 -- Stephen Wright 9088% 9089All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a 9090Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, 9091tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: 9092"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm." 9093 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You" 9094% 9095All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the 9096parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you 9097can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do 9098not use a hammer. 9099 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925 9100% 9101All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. 9102 -- Groucho Marx 9103% 9104All phone calls are obscene. 9105 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon 9106% 9107All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no. 9108 -- Susan Sontag 9109% 9110All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts 9111those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds 9112of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end 9113goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, 9114and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, 9115the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found 9116the last bug." 9117 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 9118% 9119All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. 9120% 9121All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism 9122to live beyond its income. 9123 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" 9124% 9125All science is either physics or stamp collecting. 9126 -- Ernest Rutherford 9127% 9128All seems condemned in the long run 9129to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise. 9130 -- James Martin 9131% 9132All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands. 9133 -- Saint Patrick 9134% 9135All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. 9136% 9137All that glitters has a high refractive index. 9138% 9139All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost. 9140% 9141All that is gold does not glitter, 9142Not all those who wander are lost; 9143The old that is strong does not wither, 9144Deep roots are not reached by the frost. 9145From the ashes a fire shall be woken, 9146A light from the shadows shall spring; 9147Renewed shall be blade that was broken, 9148The crownless again shall be king. 9149 -- J.R.R. Tolkien 9150% 9151All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, 9152provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe 9153to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct 9154the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief 9155Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you 9156going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?" 9157 -- Dave Barry 9158% 9159All the evidence concerning the universe 9160has not yet been collected, so there's still hope. 9161% 9162All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg, 9163It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen 9164With all the words gone, They all had their day 9165What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin' 9166 9167But of all the words written The bird is a strange one, 9168And all the lines read, So small and so tender 9169There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown, 9170And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender. 9171 9172It reminds me of days of So what is this line 9173Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown 9174It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle 9175And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown? 9176 9177I've read all the greats 9178Both starving and fat, 9179But none was as great as 9180"I tot I taw a puddy tat." 9181 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood" 9182% 9183All the men on my staff can type. 9184 -- Bella Abzug 9185% 9186...all the modern inconveniences... 9187 -- Mark Twain 9188% 9189All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. 9190 -- Grant Wood 9191% 9192All the simple programs have been written. 9193% 9194All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. 9195% 9196All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed. 9197 -- Sean O'Casey 9198% 9199All the world's a VAX, 9200And all the coders merely butchers; 9201They have their exits and their entrails; 9202And one int in his time plays many widths, 9203His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant, 9204Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. 9205And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, 9206And shining morning face, creeping like slug 9207Unwillingly to school. 9208 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 9209% 9210All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door. 9211% 9212All things being equal, you are bound to lose. 9213% 9214All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed. 9215 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 9216% 9217All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, 9218it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. 9219 -- Henry Tyroon 9220% 9221All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. 9222% 9223All warranty and guarantee clauses 9224become null and void upon payment of invoice. 9225% 9226All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each 9227other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information. 9228This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with 9229our lives." 9230 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell" 9231% 9232All who joy would win Must share it -- 9233Happiness was born a twin. 9234 -- Lord Byron 9235% 9236All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul. 9237% 9238Allen's Axiom: 9239 When all else fails, read the instructions. 9240% 9241Alliance, n: 9242 In international politics, the union of two thieves who 9243 have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket 9244 that they cannot safely plunder a third. 9245 -- Ambrose Bierce 9246% 9247All's well that ends. 9248% 9249Almost anything derogatory you could say 9250about today's software design would be accurate. 9251 -- K.E. Iverson 9252% 9253ALONE: 9254 In bad company. 9255% 9256Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had 9257to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration. 9258% 9259alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify. 9260ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question. 9261baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks. 9262Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts. 9263baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards. 9264beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often 9265 found in baas. 9266caaa, n: An automobile. 9267centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or 9268 someone involved with the Knicks.) 9269chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base. 9270dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or 9271 computation. 9272 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 9273% 9274Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for 9275buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham 9276Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that 9277reason. He knows it because he fired the guy. 9278 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I 9279bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says. 9280"I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'" 9281 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989 9282% 9283Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been 9284reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day 9285life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor 9286minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the 9287apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties 9288of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade 9289through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour 9290those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this 9291reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's "Practical 9292Gamekeeping." 9293 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream", Nov., 1959 9294% 9295Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. 9296% 9297Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. 9298 -- Mark Twain 9299% 9300Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. 9301% 9302Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. 9303% 9304Always run from a knife and rush a gun. 9305 -- Jimmy Hoffa 9306% 9307Always store beer in a dark place. 9308% 9309Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits. 9310 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 9311% 9312Always there remain portions of our heart 9313into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may. 9314% 9315Always think of something new; this 9316helps you forget your last rotten idea. 9317 -- Seth Frankel 9318% 9319AMAZING BUT TRUE... 9320 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to 9321 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. 9322% 9323AMAZING BUT TRUE... 9324 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it 9325 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. 9326% 9327AMBIDEXTROUS: 9328 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. 9329% 9330AMBIGUITY: 9331 Telling the truth when you don't mean to. 9332% 9333Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. 9334 -- Charlie McCarthy 9335% 9336Ambition, n: 9337 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while 9338 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. 9339 -- Ambrose Bierce 9340% 9341America: born free and taxed to death. 9342% 9343America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up. 9344 -- Oscar Wilde 9345% 9346America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood? 9347 -- Allen Ginsberg 9348% 9349America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned, 9350and the scum rises to the top. 9351 -- Utah Phillips 9352% 9353America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort. 9354 -- President John F. Kennedy 9355 9356The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not 9357be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but 9358living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil 9359Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so. 9360 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson 9361 9362The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that 9363from time to time threaten freedoms everyhere... Indeed, it is difficult 9364to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the 9365Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights 9366of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised 9367by the majority they were at the time. 9368 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren 9369% 9370America is the country where you buy a lifetime 9371supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks. 9372% 9373America may be unique in being a country which has leapt 9374from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. 9375 -- John O'Hara 9376% 9377America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until 9378people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its 9379name to "America". 9380 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 9381% 9382America works less, when you say "Union Yes!" 9383% 9384American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees 9385be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who 9386are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room 9387and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors. 9388 -- Dave Barry 9389% 9390American by birth; Texan by the grace of God. 9391% 9392American cars are made shoddily... 9393Cars made overseas are far superior. 9394 -- Sen. Barry Goldwater 9395% 9396[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything 9397we allow them short of hanging. 9398 -- Samuel Johnson 9399 9400America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its 9401tail it knocks over a chair. 9402 -- Arnold Toynbee 9403 9404The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 9405everybody and still nobody likes him. 9406 -- Jim Samuels 9407% 9408Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense. 9409% 9410Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out 9411to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization. 9412 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus" 9413% 9414America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person. 9415% 9416Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. 9417% 9418AMOEBIT: 9419 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply 9420 and divide at the same time. 9421% 9422Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman. 9423 -- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407. 9424% 9425Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. 9426% 9427An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants. 9428 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live 9429% 9430An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening. 9431 -- Marlon Brando 9432% 9433An Ada exception is when a routine gets 9434in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'. 9435% 9436An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms. 9437% 9438An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of 9439his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and 9440asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?" 9441 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?" 9442% 9443An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. 9444 -- Dylan Thomas 9445% 9446An algorithm must be seen to be believed. 9447 -- D.E. Knuth 9448% 9449An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad 9450to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country. 9451 -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639 9452% 9453An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment 9454to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to 9455and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended. 9456 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English 9457 language. 9458% 9459An American is a man with two arms and four wheels. 9460 -- A Chinese child 9461% 9462An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize 9463winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that 9464over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the 9465open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not 9466let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh, 9467 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck, 9468do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --" 9469Bohr chuckled. 9470 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am 9471scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told 9472that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not." 9473% 9474An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian 9475about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars. 9476 9477American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you 9478 get to work?" 9479Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public 9480 transportation everywhere." 9481A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?" 9482R: "We take the train." 9483A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?" 9484R: "We don't ever want go abroad." 9485A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?" 9486R: "We take tanks." 9487% 9488An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize 9489the president but is always polite to traffic cops. 9490% 9491An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New 9492Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not 9493new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. 9494 -- David Letterman 9495% 9496An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to 9497New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but 9498not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. 9499 -- David Letterman 9500% 9501An aphorism is never exactly true; 9502it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths. 9503 -- Karl Kraus 9504% 9505An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat 9506him last. 9507 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954 9508% 9509An apple a day makes 365 apples a year. 9510% 9511An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. 9512% 9513An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways. 9514 -- Isaac Asimov 9515% 9516An attachment a la Plato 9517for a bashful young potato 9518or a, not too French, french bean 9519must excite your languid spleen. 9520For, if you walk down Picadilly 9521with a poppy or lily 9522in your medieval hand, 9523every one will say, 9524as you walk your flowery way; 9525"If this young man is content, 9526with a vegetable love 9527which would certainly not content me. 9528Why, what a very pure young man 9529this pure young man must be!" 9530 -- W.S. Gilbert, "Patience" 9531 [The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde] 9532% 9533An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree 9534murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's 9535mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. 9536Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the 9537suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a 9538murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." 9539% 9540An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume. 9541% 9542An economist is a man who would marry 9543Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money. 9544% 9545An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. 9546 -- Adlai Stevenson 9547% 9548An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. 9549% 9550An efficient and a successful administration manifests 9551itself equally in small as in great matters. 9552 -- W. Churchill 9553% 9554An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, 9555in mid-air, on both sides of an issue. 9556 -- Homer Ferguson 9557% 9558An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane 9559when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When 9560several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a 9561despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his 9562usual pledge to the United Way Campaign. 9563 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband 9564barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but 9565I've already paid them half of it." 9566 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed 9567euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!" 9568% 9569An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. 9570% 9571An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an 9572anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt 9573already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the 9574engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later 9575the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now 9576has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the 9577mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he 9578was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of 9579humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too 9580trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny. 9581% 9582An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN. 9583% 9584An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. 9585 -- A.P. Herbert 9586% 9587An evil mind is a great comfort. 9588% 9589An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears 9590a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised 9591only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich 9592Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in 9593incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote 9594excellence: 9595 9596"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and 9597discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able 9598to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting 9599things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch 9600parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a 9601timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who 9602doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. 9603Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high 9604school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as 9605successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and 9606they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." 9607 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 9608% 9609...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often 9610picturesque liar. 9611 -- Mark Twain 9612% 9613An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a 9614very narrow field. 9615 -- Niels Bohr 9616% 9617An expert is a person who avoids the small errors 9618as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. 9619 -- Benjamin Stolberg 9620% 9621An expert is one who knows more and more about less 9622and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything. 9623% 9624An eye in a blue face 9625Saw an eye in a green face. 9626"That eye is like this eye" 9627Said the first eye, 9628"But in low place, 9629Not in high place." 9630% 9631An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort 9632Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport. 9633A manly man, to be a wizard able; 9634Many a protected file he had sitting on his table. 9635His console, when he typed, a man might hear 9636Clicking and feeping wind as clear, 9637Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell 9638Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell. 9639The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor 9640As old and strict he tended to ignore; 9641He let go by the things of yesterday 9642And took the modern world's more spacious way. 9643He did not rate that text as a plucked hen 9644Which says that Hackers are not holy men. 9645And that a hacker underworked is a mere 9646Fish out of water, flapping on the pier. 9647That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister. 9648That was a text he held not worth an oyster. 9649And I agreed and said his views were sound; 9650Was he to study till his head wend round 9651Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil 9652As Andy bade and till the very soil? 9653Was he to leave the world upon the shelf? 9654Let Andy have his labor to himself! 9655 -- Chaucer 9656 [well, almost. Ed.] 9657% 9658An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. 9659 -- Simon Cameron 9660 9661There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When 9662bought they stay bought. 9663 -- Bill Moyers 9664% 9665An honest tale speeds best being plainly told. 9666 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 9667% 9668An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. 9669% 9670An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit. 9671 -- Henry Ford 9672% 9673An idle mind is worth two in the bush. 9674% 9675An infallible method of concilliating a tiger 9676is to allow oneself to be devoured. 9677 -- Konrad Adenauer 9678% 9679An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. 9680 -- Albert Camus 9681% 9682An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if 9683each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the 9684function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated 9685by the corresponding row and column labels. 9686 -- Genesereth & Nilsson, "Logical foundations of Artificial 9687 Intelligence" 9688% 9689An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. 9690 -- Benjamin Franklin 9691% 9692An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity 9693in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. 9694 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if 9695you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like 9696an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an 9697hour seems like a minute." 9698 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a 9699moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" 9700 -- Arthur Naiman 9701% 9702An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and 9703great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of 9704a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors 9705have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four 9706hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming 9707of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel." 9708 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured. 9709"Grandmother is baking strudel right now." 9710 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go an get me a sliver of 9711strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world." 9712 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old 9713man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed. 9714 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers. 9715 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the 9716funeral." 9717% 9718An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience. 9719 -- Don Marquis 9720% 9721An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage. 9722A pessimist is a married optimist. 9723% 9724An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation. 9725% 9726An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. 9727 -- Michael Korda 9728% 9729An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. 9730 -- Spanish proverb 9731% 9732Anarchy may not be a better form of government, 9733but it's better than no government at all. 9734% 9735And all that the Lorax left here in this mess 9736was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless." 9737Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess. 9738That was long, long ago, and each day since that day, 9739I've worried and worried and worried away. 9740Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart, 9741I've worried about it with all of my heart. 9742 9743"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here, 9744the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear! 9745UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, 9746nothing is going to get better - it's not. 9747So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall. 9748"It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all! 9749 9750"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds. 9751And truffula trees are what everyone needs. 9752Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care. 9753Give it clean water and feed it fresh air. 9754Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack. 9755Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!" 9756% 9757And as we stand on the edge of darkness 9758Let our chant fill the void 9759That others may know 9760 9761 In the land of the night 9762 The ship of the sun 9763 Is drawn by 9764 The grateful dead. 9765 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. 9766% 9767And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest 9768unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine 9769bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, 9770provideth that they are nice and fresh.' 9771 -- Dave Barry 9772% 9773And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest 9774unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine 9775bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, 9776provideth that they are nice and fresh." 9777 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion" 9778% 9779And did those feet, in ancient times, 9780Walk upon England's mountains green? 9781And was the Holy Lamb of God 9782In England's pleasant pastures seen? 9783And did the Countenance Divine 9784Shine forth upon these crowded hills? 9785And was Jerusalem builded here 9786Among these dark satanic mills? 9787 9788Bring me my bow of burning gold! 9789Bring me my arrows of desire! 9790Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold! 9791Bring me my chariot of fire! 9792I shall not cease from mental fight, 9793Nor shall my sword rest in my hand, 9794Till we have built Jerusalem 9795In England's green and pleasant land. 9796 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" 9797% 9798And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel? 9799% 9800And ever has it been known that 9801love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. 9802 -- Kahlil Gibran 9803% 9804And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor, 9805"is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red 9806to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in 9807greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he 9808spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and 9809he shouted out, "YOPP!" 9810 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over! 9811Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard! 9812They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what 9813I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their 9814whole world was saved by the smallest of All!" 9815 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now 9816on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect 9817them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From 9818the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect 9819them. No matter how small-ish!" 9820 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who" 9821% 9822And here I wait so patiently 9823Waiting to find out what price 9824You have to pay to get out of 9825Going thru all of these things twice 9826 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again" 9827% 9828And I alone am returned to wag the tail. 9829% 9830And I heard Jeff exclaim, as they strolled out of sight, 9831"Merry Christmas to all -- you take credit cards, right?" 9832% 9833And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big 9834ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The 9835little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about 9836them, aren't braced against them. 9837 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower" 9838% 9839And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free! 9840My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez 9841Addams -- he was good for nothing." 9842 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family 9843% 9844And if California slides into the ocean, 9845Like the mystics and statistics say it will. 9846I predict this motel will be standing, 9847Until I've paid my bill. 9848 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves" 9849% 9850And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee, 9851"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy! 9852% 9853And if you wonder, 9854What I am doing, 9855As I am heading for the sink. 9856I am spitting out all the bitterness, 9857Along with half of my last drink. 9858% 9859And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead, 9860Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead. 9861 -- Joan Baez 9862% 9863And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing 9864what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions. 9865 -- David Jones 9866% 9867And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man. 9868 -- A.E. Housman 9869% 9870And miles to go before I sleep. 9871% 9872And now for something completely the same. 9873% 9874And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty 9875And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines, 9876The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts, 9877And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs. 9878 9879We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence 9880The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb, 9881But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover, 9882Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged- 9883 9884Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage 9885And code in a queue Have been biding their time, 9886Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs, 9887We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme. 9888 9889Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead. 9890We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed. 9891Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab. 9892You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean 9893 hand... 9894% 9895And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it. 9896% 9897And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. 9898% 9899...and report cards I was always afraid to show 9900Mama'd come to school 9901and as I'd sit there softly cryin' 9902Teacher'd say he's just not tryin' 9903Got a good head if he'd apply it 9904but you know yourself 9905it's always somewhere else 9906I'd build me a castle 9907with dragons and kings 9908and I'd ride off with them 9909As I stood by my window 9910and looked out on those 9911Brooklyn roads 9912 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads" 9913% 9914And so it was, later, 9915As the miller told his tale, 9916That her face, at first just ghostly, 9917Turned a whiter shade of pale. 9918 -- Procol Harum 9919% 9920And that's the way it is... 9921 -- Walter Cronkite 9922% 9923And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, 9924turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed, 9925the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no 9926clothes! He is naked!" 9927 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes" 9928% 9929And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that 9930black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and 9931penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while 9932white children begin with a small separation but increase it during 9933growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress. 9934 -- S.J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation" 9935% 9936And the silence came surging softly backwards 9937When the plunging hooves were gone... 9938 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners" 9939% 9940And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man 9941with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit. 9942% 9943And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal 9944rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, 9945which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced 9946in design as one will find anywhere in the world. 9947 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" 9948% 9949And this is good old Boston, 9950The home of the bean and the cod, 9951Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots, 9952And the Cabots talk only to God. 9953% 9954And tomorrow will be like today, only more so. 9955 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version 9956% 9957And we heard him exclaim 9958As he started to roam: 9959"I'm a hologram, kids, 9960please don't try this at home!'" 9961 -- Bob Violence 9962% 9963And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical 9964ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's 9965Comissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the 9966economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to 9967give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size 9968of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU 9969exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails 9970and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic 9971without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long 9972afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average 9973loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious 9974engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly 9975shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport. 9976 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" 9977% 9978And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane? 9979 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same. 9980 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine 9981 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?" 9982 -- The Grateful Dead 9983% 9984And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to 9985have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon 9986the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let 9987loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price: 9988in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest 9989license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value. 9990 -- Charles Dickens 9991% 9992And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a 9993sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy, 9994and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to 9995face, we have politics. 9996 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and 9997 Ground Cover" 9998% 9999And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have 10000a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks 10001tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets 10002tragedy face to face, we have politics. 10003 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, 10004 "Root Crops and Ground Cover" 10005% 10006And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel, 10007because the bars close every time you're thirsty... 10008% 10009"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for 10010you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going 10011and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said 10012he, earnestly. 10013 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere" 10014% 10015Andrea's Admonition: 10016 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. 10017 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, 10018 it isn't and he can. 10019% 10020ANDROPHOBIA: 10021 Fear of men. 10022% 10023Anger is momentary madness. 10024 -- Horace 10025% 10026Anger kills as surely as the other vices. 10027% 10028Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen. 10029Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. 10030 -- Lazarus Long 10031% 10032Ankh if you love Isis. 10033% 10034Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!! 10035 10036Be the envy of other major Communist Governments! 10037 10038Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with 10039just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's, 10040cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all 10041at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans 10042think you can, and that's the point, right?) 10043% 10044ANOINT: 10045 To grease a king or other great 10046 functionary already sufficiently slippery. 10047% 10048Another day, another dollar. 10049 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley, 10050 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald 10051 Reagan. 10052% 10053Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 10054% 10055Another megabytes the dust. 10056% 10057Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but 10058television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and 10059world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers 10060whiter teeth *and* fresher breath. 10061 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly" 10062% 10063Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone. 10064 -- Pyrrhus 10065% 10066Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. 10067 -- Proverbs, 26:5 10068% 10069Anthony's Law of the Workshop: 10070 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible 10071 corner of the workshop. 10072 10073Corollary: 10074 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike 10075 your toes. 10076% 10077Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood. 10078Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy. 10079% 10080Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude. 10081% 10082Antonio Antonio 10083Was tired of living alonio 10084He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio 10085Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio 10086Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid 10087 In a bowery shade, 10088 Sitting and knitting alonio. 10089Antonio Antonio 10090Said if you will be my ownio 10091I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio 10092And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio 10093An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish 10094 You singular fish 10095 Is that you will quickly begonio. 10096Antonio Antonio 10097Uttered a dismal moanio 10098And went off and hid 10099Or I'm told that he did 10100In the Antartical Zonio. 10101% 10102ANTONYM: 10103 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. 10104% 10105Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig 10106[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off 10107Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast 10108cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged. 10109Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on 10110them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention. 10111 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast 10112 cars across Europe. 10113% 10114Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts 10115which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development. 10116% 10117Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. 10118 -- Charles McCabe 10119% 10120Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a 10121mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside 10122than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? 10123And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? 10124Is there a better way to die? 10125 -- Charles Lindbergh 10126% 10127Any excuse will serve a tyrant. 10128 -- Aesop 10129% 10130Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this 10131country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week. 10132% 10133Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a 10134wise person to be able to sell it. 10135% 10136Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know 10137how to lie well. 10138 -- Samuel Butler 10139% 10140Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look 10141stupid. 10142 -- Hedy Lamarr 10143% 10144Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 10145% 10146Any given program will expand to fill available memory. 10147% 10148Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- 10149a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my 10150grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the 10151fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly 10152true. 10153 -- Solomon Short 10154% 10155Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. 10156% 10157Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit 10158rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out 10159of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that 10160requires a heroism which is transcendent. 10161 -- Henry Ward Beecher 10162% 10163Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. 10164 -- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields 10165% 10166Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be 10167liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall 10168be deemed to be a cat. 10169 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London 10170% 10171"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully. 10172"None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone 10173qualified who is willing to accept the post." 10174 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I 10175can at least make a decision." 10176 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic 10177young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most 10178up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind." 10179 -- R.L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly" 10180% 10181Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. 10182 -- Sydney Harris 10183% 10184Any president should have the right to shoot 10185at least two people a year without explanation. 10186 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press 10187% 10188Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent. 10189 -- Lazarus Long 10190% 10191Any program which runs right is obsolete. 10192% 10193Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. 10194% 10195Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain 10196just a little to test it's a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you 10197cannot see the mountain. 10198 -- Bene Gesserit proverb 10199% 10200Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. 10201Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. 10202From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain. 10203 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune" 10204% 10205Any small object that is accidentally 10206dropped will hide under a larger object. 10207% 10208Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature. 10209% 10210Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. 10211% 10212Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. 10213 -- Arthur Clarke 10214% 10215Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. 10216 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 10217% 10218Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. 10219% 10220Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen 10221has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government. 10222 -- J.P. Morgan 10223% 10224Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years 10225organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. 10226 -- David Broder 10227% 10228Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the 10229sight of a police car is probably parked. 10230% 10231Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. 10232% 10233Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right 10234person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose 10235and in the right way -- that is not easy. 10236 -- Aristotle 10237% 10238Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is 10239supposed to be doing. 10240% 10241Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. 10242 -- Publilius Syrus 10243% 10244"Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the 10245first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no 10246explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for 10247intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of 10248thought on every occasion." 10249 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.) 10250% 10251Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty. 10252% 10253Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. 10254At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, 10255bathe and not make messes in the house. 10256 -- Lazarus Long 10257% 10258Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. 10259 -- R. Heinlein 10260% 10261Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. 10262 -- Samuel Goldwyn 10263% 10264Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you 10265that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?" 10266is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime 10267mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress. 10268 -- Elizabeth Zwicky 10269% 10270Anyone who has had a bull by the tail 10271knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't. 10272 -- Mark Twain 10273% 10274Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time 10275as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes. 10276 -- Philippus Paracelsus 10277% 10278Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President 10279should on no account be allowed to do the job. 10280 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 10281% 10282Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, 10283recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one 10284particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. 10285 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 10286% 10287Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. 10288 -- Groucho Marx 10289% 10290Anything anybody can say about America is true. 10291 -- Emmett Grogan 10292% 10293Anything cut to length will be too short. 10294% 10295Anything free is worth what you'll pay for it. 10296% 10297Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. 10298% 10299Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. 10300% 10301Anything is possible on paper. 10302 -- Ron McAfee 10303% 10304Anything is possible, unless it's not. 10305% 10306Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. 10307The label means the price went up. 10308The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" 10309means the price went way up. 10310% 10311Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto 10312undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth. 10313 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air" 10314% 10315Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. 10316% 10317Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something. 10318% 10319Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this 10320big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around -- 10321nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy 10322cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go 10323over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're 10324going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do 10325all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy, 10326but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy. 10327 -- J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye" 10328% 10329Apathy Club meeting this Friday. 10330If you want to come, you're not invited. 10331% 10332APHASIA: 10333 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked 10334 at parties, "But of what use is your research?" 10335% 10336aphorism, n.: 10337 A concise, clever statement. 10338afterism, n.: 10339 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. 10340 -- James Alexander Thom 10341% 10342APL hackers do it in the quad. 10343% 10344APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the 10345future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation 10346of coding bums. 10347 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 10348% 10349APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming; 10350...and is best for educational purposes. 10351 -- A. Perlis 10352% 10353APL is a write-only language. I can write programs 10354in APL, but I can't read any of them. 10355 -- Roy Keir 10356% 10357Appearances often are deceiving. 10358 -- Aesop 10359% 10360APPENDIX: 10361 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use. 10362% 10363Applause, n: 10364 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool. 10365 -- Ambrose Bierce 10366% 10367April is the cruellest month... 10368 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot 10369% 10370AQUADEXTROUS: 10371 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub 10372 faucet on and off with your toes. 10373 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 10374% 10375aquadextrous, adj.: 10376 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off 10377with your toes. 10378 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 10379% 10380AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) 10381 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. 10382 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be 10383 careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over 10384 and over again. People think you are stupid. 10385% 10386AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) 10387 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely 10388 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot 10389 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on 10390 payday. Stop wetting your bed. 10391% 10392AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18) 10393 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what 10394 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either. 10395 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your 10396 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be 10397 able to lend you a few bucks. 10398% 10399Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential 10400ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common 10401cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking 10402cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed, 10403then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've 10404never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work. 10405 -- Peter Nelson 10406% 10407Are we not men? 10408% 10409Are we running light with overbyte? 10410% 10411Are Women Human? 10412In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men 10413representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote. 10414The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one 10415vote. 10416% 10417Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10418say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10419 10420 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard. 10421 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave? 10422 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too? 10423 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel? 10424 Aren't you ashamed of yourself? 10425 Don't you know any better? 10426 How could you be so stupid? 10427 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful. 10428 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking. 10429 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all. 10430% 10431Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10432say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10433 10434 Do as I say, not as I do. 10435 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know. 10436 What did you do *this* time? 10437 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you. 10438 When I was your age... 10439 I won't love you if you keep doing that. 10440 Think of all the starving children in India. 10441 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar. 10442 I'm going to kill you. 10443 Way to go, clumsy. 10444 If you don't like it, you can lump it. 10445% 10446Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10447say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10448 10449 Go away. You bother me. 10450 Why? Because life is unfair. 10451 That's a nice drawing. What is it? 10452 Children should be seen and not heard. 10453 You'll be the death of me. 10454 You'll understand when you're older. 10455 Because. 10456 Wipe that smile off your face. 10457 I don't believe you. 10458 How many times have I told you to be careful? 10459 Just beacuse. 10460% 10461Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10462say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10463 10464 Good children always obey. 10465 Quit acting so childish. 10466 Boys don't cry. 10467 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way. 10468 Why do you have to know so much? 10469 This hurts me more than it hurts you. 10470 Why? Because I'm bigger than you. 10471 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy? 10472 Oh, grow up. 10473 I'm only doing this because I love you. 10474% 10475Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10476say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10477 10478 When are you going to grow up? 10479 I'm only doing this for your own good. 10480 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to 10481 cry about. 10482 What's wrong with you? 10483 Someday you'll thank me for this. 10484 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached. 10485 Don't you have any sense at all? 10486 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off. 10487 Why? Because I said so. 10488 I hope you have a kid just like yourself. 10489% 10490Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 10491say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 10492 10493 You wouldn't understand. 10494 You ask too many questions. 10495 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders. 10496 That's for me to know and you to find out. 10497 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick 10498 up for yourself. 10499 You're acting too big for your britches. 10500 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied? 10501 Wait till your father gets home. 10502 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you. 10503 Shape up or ship out. 10504% 10505Are you making all this up as you go along? 10506% 10507"Are you police officers?" 10508"No, ma'am. We're musicians." 10509 -- The Blues Brothers 10510% 10511Are you sure the back door is locked? 10512% 10513"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" 10514"No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." 10515% 10516"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" 10517No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." 10518 -- Monty Python 10519% 10520Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose? 10521Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers? 10522Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties? 10523Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy? 10524Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick? 10525Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen 10526 or so pencils from marking the cloth? 10527Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name? 10528Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do? 10529Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow? 10530Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose? 10531 10532 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer) 105330-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood. 105343-5 -- There is hope for you yet. 105356-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City. 105368-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril. 1053711+ -- Does suicide seem attractive? 10538% 10539Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. 10540 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 10541% 10542Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone 10543in good society holds exactly the same opinion. 10544 -- O. Wilde 10545% 10546Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. 10547% 10548ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) 10549 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are 10550 quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not 10551 very nice. 10552% 10553ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19) 10554 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person 10555 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've 10556 got a mean streak in you a mile wide. 10557% 10558ARITHMETIC: 10559 An obscure art no longer practiced in 10560 the world's developed countries. 10561% 10562Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. 10563 -- Mickey Mouse 10564% 10565ARMADILLO: 10566 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. 10567% 10568Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh 10569autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet 10570Union. 10571 -- P.J. O'Rourke 10572% 10573Armor's Axiom: 10574 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice. 10575% 10576Armstrong's Collection Law: 10577 If the check is truly in the mail, 10578 it is surely made out to someone else. 10579% 10580Arnold's Addendum: 10581 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. 10582% 10583Arnold's Laws of Documentation: 10584 1.) If it should exist, it doesn't. 10585 2.) If it does exist, it's out of date. 10586 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the 10587 first two laws. 10588% 10589Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote 10590a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from 10591one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work 10592to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death. 10593(He died in 1921.) 10594 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth, 10595flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this 10596fantasy... 10597 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung? 10598And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This 10599instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the 10600piece would be better known as: 10601 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"! 10602% 10603Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's 10604incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here." 10605 -- Muad'dib, "Dune" 10606% 10607Art is a jealous mistress. 10608 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 10609% 10610Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth. 10611 -- Picasso 10612% 10613Art is anything you can get away with. 10614 -- Marshall McLuhan. 10615% 10616Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. 10617 -- Chazal 10618% 10619Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death. 10620% 10621Arthur's Laws of Love: 10622 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 10623 remind them of someone else. 10624 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will 10625 be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool 10626 of yourself in person. 10627% 10628Article the Third: 10629 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should 10630 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and 10631 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary. 10632Article the Fourth: 10633 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee" 10634 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's 10635 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war. 10636Article the Fifth: 10637 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church, 10638 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the 10639 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have 10640 to last a lifetime and must be conserved. 10641 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights" 10642% 10643Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as 10644artificial flowers have to flowers. 10645 -- David Parnas 10646% 10647Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. 10648% 10649As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. 10650% 10651As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are 10652interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick perverted 10653disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make 10654jokes about setting fire to a goat?" 10655 -- Dave Barry 10656% 10657As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I 10658thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. 10659This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. 10660 -- M. Cartmill 10661% 10662As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and 10663I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. 10664This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. 10665 -- Matt Cartmill 10666% 10667As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, 10668and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a 10669scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. 10670 -- M. Cartmill 10671% 10672As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing 10673a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. 10674Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different 10675glass. 10676 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out 10677with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass. 10678 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With 10679a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer 10680down in one gulp. 10681 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the 10682fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a 10683firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound. 10684NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!" 10685% 10686As crazy as hauling timber into the woods. 10687 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 10688% 10689As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp 10690the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at 10691a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off. 10692 -- Joseph Brodsky 10693% 10694As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; 10695and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. 10696 -- Einstein 10697% 10698As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. 10699 -- Weisert 10700% 10701As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport. 10702 -- Shakespeare, "King Lear" 10703% 10704As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em, 10705We may live with, but cannot live without 'em. 10706 -- Frederic Reynolds 10707% 10708As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter 10709of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard. 10710 -- J.F. Kennedy 10711% 10712As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote. 10713% 10714As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought 10715the potato salad. 10716% 10717As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of 10718religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the 10719methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions -- 10720to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven 10721years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the 10722untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy -- 10723and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and 10724high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are 10725suprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind. 10726 -- Steve Allen 10727% 10728As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very 10729pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! 10730 -- Jack Handey 10731% 10732As I thought, no better from this side. 10733 -- Eeyore 10734% 10735As I was going up Punch Card Hill, 10736 Feeling worse and worser, 10737There I met a C.R.T. 10738 And it drop't me a cursor. 10739 10740C.R.T., C.R.T., 10741 Phosphors light on you! 10742If I had fifty hours a day 10743 I'd spend them all at you. 10744 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 10745% 10746As I was passing Project MAC, 10747I met a Quux with seven hacks. 10748Every hack had seven bugs; 10749Every bug had seven manifestations; 10750Every manifestation had seven symptoms. 10751Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, 10752How many losses at Project MAC? 10753% 10754As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day, 10755I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay, 10756The words were torn and tattered, 10757From the storm the night before, 10758The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes, 10759 10760Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer, 10761Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear, 10762Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar, 10763And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star. 10764 10765Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigedaire, 10766Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear, 10767Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three, 10768And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea. 10769% 10770As in certain cults it is possible to 10771kill a process if you know its true name. 10772 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie 10773% 10774As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into 10775smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different 10776in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting 10777norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a 10778computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by 10779IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish 10780standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original 10781standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan 10782allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive 10783innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and 10784imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven 10785images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies 10786on the austerity of the word. 10787 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 10788% 10789As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great 10790industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech 10791and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That 10792man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American 10793talk like that. 10794 -- Frank Hague, 1896-1956 10795% 10796As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? 10797% 10798As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic 10799schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve 10800The Problem, saving the documentation for later. 10801% 10802As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. 10803When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. 10804 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions" 10805% 10806As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. 10807One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly 10808useful and interesting, I just had to share it. 10809 10810Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 10811 10812 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens. 10813 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse. 10814 3. Some people never look at me. 10815 4. Spinach makes me feel alone. 10816 5. My sex life is A-okay. 10817 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 10818 7. I like to kill mosquitoes. 10819 8. Cousins are not to be trusted. 10820 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down. 1082110. I get nauseous from too much roller skating. 1082211. I think most people would cry to gain a point. 1082312. I cannot read or write. 1082413. I am bored by thoughts of death. 1082514. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me. 1082615. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker. 1082716. I am never startled by a fish. 1082817. My mother's uncle was a good man. 1082918. I don't like it when somebody is rotten. 1083019. People who break the law are wise guys. 1083120. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. 10832% 10833As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. 10834One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly 10835useful and interesting, I just had to share it. 10836 10837Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 10838 10839 1. I think beavers work too hard. 10840 2. I use shoe polish to excess. 10841 3. God is love. 10842 4. I like mannish children. 10843 5. I have always been diturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears. 10844 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools. 10845 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye. 10846 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs. 10847 9. I believe I smell as good as most people. 1084810. Frantic screams make me nervous. 1084911. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room 10850 full of mice. 1085112. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis. 1085213. A wide necktie is a sign of disease. 1085314. As a child I was deprived of licorice. 1085415. I would never shake hands with a gardener. 1085516. My eyes are always cold. 1085617. Cousins are not to be trusted. 1085718. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 1085819. I am never startled by a fish. 1085920. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. 10860% 10861As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape, 10862The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape; 10863It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field, 10864An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel! 10865Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie, 10866Follow it through, me canny lad O; 10867Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie, 10868Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O! 10869 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 10870% 10871As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10. 10872Please update your programs. 10873% 10874As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL. 10875Please update your programs. 10876% 10877As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. 10878% 10879As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of 10880the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents: 10881 10882News articles that answer *your* questions, #1: 10883 10884 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d 10885 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources 10886 Keywords: C sources 10887 Distribution: na 10888 10889 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the 10890 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the 10891 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I 10892 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.) 10893 10894 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If 10895 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate 10896 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that 10897 must be done? 10898% 10899As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; 10900a process that traditionally requires some debugging. 10901 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service 10902 conversion to a new computer system. 10903% 10904As some day it may happen that a victim must be found 10905I've got a little list -- I've got a little list 10906Of society offenders who might well be underground 10907And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed. 10908 -- Koko, "The Mikado" 10909% 10910As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't 10911as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be 10912discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large 10913part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in 10914my own programs. 10915 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949 10916% 10917As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably 10918because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. 10919 -- Woody Allen 10920% 10921As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear, 10922bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete, 10923or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new 10924version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new 10925component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and 10926efficient test cases will usually be available. 10927 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 10928% 10929As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, 10930as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; 10931but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, 10932with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his 10933divinity. 10934 -- Benjamin Franklin 10935% 10936As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. 10937 -- Miguel de Cervantes 10938% 10939As Will Rogers would have said, 10940"There is no such things as a free variable." 10941% 10942As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory 10943aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order 10944chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the 10945proper time for chocolate. 10946 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" 10947% 10948As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, 10949but you will do them with much more enthusiasm. 10950 -- The Cowboy 10951% 10952As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one. 10953 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare 10954% 10955As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." 10956% 10957ASCII: 10958 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would 10959 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as 10960 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall 10961 receive." 10962 -- Robb Russon 10963% 10964ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer. 10965% 10966ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. 10967% 10968Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, 10969If God won't have you, the devil must. 10970% 10971Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if 10972one went to Harvard). 10973 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 10974% 10975Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you 10976will pay only the station-to-station rate. 10977 -- Howard Kandel 10978% 10979Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls... 10980if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. 10981% 10982Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of. 10983 -- J.J. Gibson 10984% 10985Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. 10986 -- John Stuart Mill 10987% 10988Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she 10989said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and 10990released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her 10991right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she 10992learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the 10993writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your 10994newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to 10995bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started 10996chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not 10997as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this, 10998everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim, 10999the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted, 11000and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he 11001couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for 11002two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman." 11003 -- Garrison Keillor 11004% 11005Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a 11006lamp-post how it feels about dogs. 11007 -- Christopher Hampton 11008% 11009Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity 11010and understanding of how computers work that it provides. 11011 -- D. Gries 11012% 11013Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run 11014with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep 11015the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people 11016and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke. 11017 -- Stanley Walker 11018% 11019Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus. 11020% 11021Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems. 11022 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser 11023% 11024At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be 11025solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will 11026take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology 11027available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution. 11028In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There 11029is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general 11030relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving 11031a computer problem?" 11032 "Remember the twin paradox?" 11033 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very 11034fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but 11035that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the 11036computer here, and accelerate the earth!" 11037 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When 11038the earth came back, they were presented with the answer: 11039 11040 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card. 11041% 11042At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all 11043my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my 11044ignorance upon the shore. 11045 -- Kahlil Gibran 11046% 11047At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on 11048the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is 11049quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather 11050than blinkers it. 11051 -- G.L. Glegg, "The Design of Design" 11052% 11053At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, 11054a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. 11055 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985 11056% 11057At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me, 11058"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie. 11059 -- Strange de Jim 11060% 11061At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. 11062 -- J.B. White 11063% 11064At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his 11065thumb with a hammer. 11066 -- Marshall Lumsden 11067% 11068At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, 11069especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously 11070-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being 11071in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching 11072after fact and reason. 11073 -- John Keats 11074% 11075At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the 11076coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick. 11077 -- H.R. Gumby 11078% 11079At the end of your life there'll be a good rest, 11080and no further activities are scheduled. 11081% 11082At the foot of the mountain, thunder: 11083The image of Providing Nourishment. 11084Thus the superior man is careful of his words 11085And temperate in eating and drinking. 11086% 11087At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly 11088contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre 11089or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny 11090of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep 11091nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the 11092world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective 11093enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the 11094field on track. 11095 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection" 11096% 11097At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news 11098to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to 11099die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the 11100room, over to the man's bedisde and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!" 11101The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor 11102grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron? 11103You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in 11104213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me, 11105gently!" 11106 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily 11107opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs 11108his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say... 11109guess who's going to die soon!" 11110% 11111At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find 11112at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. 11113% 11114At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. 11115 -- Peter G. Alaquon 11116% 11117At times discretion should be thrown aside, 11118and with the foolish we should play the fool. 11119 -- Menander 11120% 11121At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the 11122number of pens that person is carrying. 11123% 11124Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 11125% 11126ATLANTA: 11127 An entire city surrounded by an airport. 11128% 11129Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. 11130 -- Winston Churchill 11131% 11132Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda 11133decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a 11134lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many 11135suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person 11136is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect." 11137 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85 11138% 11139AUCTION: 11140 A gyp off the old block. 11141% 11142Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity. 11143 -- G.J. Danton 11144% 11145audophile, n: 11146 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music. 11147% 11148Auribus teneo lupum. 11149[I hold a wolf by the ears.] 11150% 11151AUTHENTIC: 11152 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion. 11153% 11154Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children. 11155 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer" 11156% 11157AUTOMOBILE: 11158 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. 11159% 11160Avec! 11161% 11162Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. 11163% 11164Avoid cliches like the plague. 11165They're a dime a dozen. 11166% 11167Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight. 11168% 11169Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. 11170% 11171Avoid reality at all costs. 11172% 11173Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but 11174we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. 11175 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student 11176% 11177Avoid strange women and temporary variables. 11178% 11179Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining 11180ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror 11181to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the 11182mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam 11183in 1959. 11184 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton 11185 bad fiction contest. 11186% 11187[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching. 11188 -- Tris Speaker, 1921 11189% 11190BACCHUS: 11191 A convenient deity invented by the ancients 11192 as an excuse for getting drunk. 11193% 11194BACHELOR: 11195 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 11196% 11197BACHELOR: 11198 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one. 11199% 11200Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears 11201that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign 11202correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were 11203invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the 11204West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?" 11205 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first. 11206Business before pleasure." 11207% 11208Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some 11209military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people 11210who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks. 11211Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the 11212problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with 11213written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people 11214(most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering 11215types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were 11216the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote 11217the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It 11218never really caught on. 11219% 11220Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, 11221uphill both ways and it was always snowing. 11222% 11223Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways 11224and it was always snowing. 11225% 11226BACKWARD CONDITIONING: 11227 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring. 11228% 11229Bacons not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string. 11230% 11231BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!! 11232% 11233Bad men live that they may eat and drink, 11234whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. 11235 -- Socrates 11236% 11237Bagdikian's Observation: 11238 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper 11239 is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele. 11240% 11241Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges! 11242 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre" 11243% 11244Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: 11245 A block grant is a solid mass of money 11246 surrounded on all sides by governors. 11247% 11248BALLISTOPHOBIA: 11249 Fear of bullets; 11250OTOPHOBIA: 11251 Fear of opening one's eyes. 11252PECCATOPHOBIA: 11253 Fear of sinning. 11254TAPHEPHOBIA: 11255 Fear of being buried alive. 11256SITOPHOBIA: 11257 Fear of food. 11258TRICHOPHOBIA: 11259 Fear of hair. 11260VESTIPHOBIA: 11261 Fear of clothing. 11262% 11263BALTIMORE: 11264 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp. 11265% 11266Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. 11267% 11268Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: 11269 The hippo has no sting, but the wise 11270 man would rather be sat upon by the bee. 11271% 11272Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. 11273% 11274Barach's Rule: 11275 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. 11276% 11277Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience: 11278 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes 11279 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends. 11280 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary 11281 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing. 11282% 11283Barker's Proof: 11284 Proofreading is more effective after publication. 11285% 11286BAROMETER: 11287 An ingenious instrument which indicates 11288 what kind of weather we are having. 11289% 11290Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. 11291 -- Tom Lehrer 11292% 11293Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes. 11294 -- Will Rogers 11295% 11296Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes. 11297 -- The Best of Will Rogers 11298% 11299Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think 11300Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 11301 11302 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 11303 (2) Advising the President. 11304 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. 11305 -- David Letterman 11306% 11307BASIC: 11308 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases 11309 in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. 11310% 11311Basic Definitions of Science: 11312 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. 11313 If it stinks, it's chemistry. 11314 If it doesn't work, it's physics. 11315% 11316Basic is a high level languish. 11317% 11318BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. 11319 -- Seymour Papert 11320% 11321Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd 11322come in and sink my boats. 11323 -- Woody Allen 11324% 11325Batteries not included. 11326% 11327Battle, n: 11328 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that 11329 will not yield to the tongue. 11330 -- Ambrose Bierce 11331% 11332Be a better psychiatrist and the world 11333will beat a psychopath to your door. 11334% 11335BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.) 11336% 11337BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...) 11338% 11339Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. 11340 -- Homer 11341% 11342Be careful! Is it classified? 11343% 11344Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10! 11345% 11346Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or 11347situations that can't bear inspection. 11348% 11349Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. 11350 -- Mark Twain 11351% 11352Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours. 11353 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name" 11354% 11355Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. 11356% 11357Be careful when you bite into your hamburger. 11358 -- Derek Bok 11359% 11360Be cautious in your daily affairs. 11361% 11362Be cheerful while you are alive. 11363 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C. 11364% 11365Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better 11366to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman. 11367 -- De Maintenon 11368% 11369Be different: conform. 11370% 11371Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse 11372the issue afterwards. 11373% 11374Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! 11375Things won't get any better so get used to it. 11376% 11377Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree. 11378% 11379Be independent. 11380Insult a rich relative today. 11381% 11382Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; 11383nothing is safe while the legislature is in session. 11384% 11385Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down. 11386 -- Wilson Mizner 11387% 11388Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are. 11389 -- Pope St. Gregory I 11390% 11391Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream. 11392% 11393Be prepared to accept sacrifices. 11394Vestal virgins aren't all that bad. 11395% 11396Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent 11397and original in your work. 11398 -- Flaubert 11399% 11400Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. 11401% 11402Be self-reliant and your success is assured. 11403% 11404Be sociable. 11405Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow. 11406% 11407Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio. 11408% 11409Be valiant, but not too venturous. 11410Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. 11411 -- John Lyly 11412% 11413Beam me up, Scotty! 11414% 11415Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser! 11416% 11417Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here! 11418% 11419Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will. 11420% 11421BEAUTY: 11422 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand. 11423% 11424Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. 11425% 11426Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two. 11427% 11428Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God. 11429 -- Jean Anouilh 11430% 11431Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all 11432Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. 11433 -- John Keats 11434% 11435Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. 11436 -- Redd Foxx 11437% 11438Because I do, 11439Because I do not hope, 11440Because I do not hope to survive 11441Injustice from the Palace, death from the air, 11442Because I do, only do, 11443I continue... 11444 -- T.S. Pynchon 11445% 11446Because the wine remembers. 11447% 11448Because we don't think about future generations, 11449they will never forget us. 11450 -- Henrik Tikkanen 11451% 11452Been through hell? 11453What did you bring back for me? 11454% 11455Been Transferred Lately? 11456% 11457Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore. 11458% 11459Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions. 11460% 11461Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. 11462 -- Addison H. Hallock 11463% 11464Before destruction a man's heart is 11465haughty, but humility goes before honour. 11466 -- Psalms 18:12 11467% 11468...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech 11469or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What 11470did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was 11471manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of 11472this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my 11473power of meddling. 11474 -- Joseph Conrad 11475% 11476Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone. 11477% 11478Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage 11479they are "Let's eat out." 11480% 11481Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. 11482% 11483Before you ask more questions, think about whether 11484you really want to know the answers. 11485 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator" 11486% 11487Beggar to well-dressed businessman: 11488 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?" 11489% 11490Beggars should be no choosers. 11491 -- John Heywood 11492% 11493Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. 11494% 11495Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek. 11496% 11497Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear. 11498% 11499Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which 11500is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but 11501the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that 11502basket!" 11503 -- Mark Twain 11504% 11505Behold the unborn foetus and 11506 Weep salt tears crocodilian; 11507All life is sacred (save, of course, 11508 An enemy civilian). 11509% 11510Behold the warranty -- the bold print 11511giveth and the fine print taketh away. 11512% 11513Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry. 11514% 11515Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and 11516stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very 11517opposite applies with the judges. 11518 -- Beyond the Fringe 11519% 11520Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, 11521since it consists principally of dealings with men. 11522 -- Conrad 11523% 11524Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome 11525to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over 11526and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?" 11527 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed 11528seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me." 11529% 11530Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real 11531disasters in life begin when you get what you want. 11532% 11533Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart 11534enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important. 11535 -- Eugene McCarthy 11536% 11537Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the 11538Boy Scouts have adult supervision. 11539 -- Blake Clark 11540% 11541Being owned by someone used to be called 11542slavery -- now it's called commitment. 11543% 11544Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you. 11545% 11546Being stoned on marijuana isn't very 11547different from being stoned on gin. 11548 -- Ralph Nader 11549% 11550Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to 11551standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons. 11552 -- unamed Justice Department official 11553% 11554Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet. 11555% 11556belief, n: 11557 Something you do not believe. 11558% 11559Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too 11560impossibly bad. 11561 -- Honore DeBalzac 11562% 11563Bell Labs Unix - Reach out and grep someone. 11564% 11565Ben, why didn't you tell me? 11566 -- Luke Skywalker 11567% 11568Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: 11569 (1) Houses are for people to live in. 11570 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. 11571 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. 11572% 11573Benson's Dogma: 11574 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit. 11575% 11576Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and 11577none of his friends like him either. 11578 -- Oscar Wilde 11579% 11580Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been 11581transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in 11582Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination fo MBH by non-WASPs had taken 11583place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental 11584surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet, 11585MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District. 11586For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was 11587rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious: 11588"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them, 11589after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?" 11590 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard. 11591 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?" 11592 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain." 11593 "The test or the room?" 11594 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain." 11595 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no. 11596Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this 11597great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you 11598tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie, 11599why?" 11600 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain." 11601 -- House of God 11602% 11603Bershere's Formula for Failure: 11604 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who 11605 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody. 11606% 11607Besides the device, the box should contain: 11608 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" 11609 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two 11610 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. 11611 11612YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. 11613 11614IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse 11615and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get 11616all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major 11617transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why." 11618 11619WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. 11620 -- Dave Barry 11621% 11622Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969 11623judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who 11624doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American 11625history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor 11626at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of 11627them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our 11628victuals being spent and especially our beer." 11629 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual 11630% 11631Best Mistakes In Films 11632 In his "Filgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists 11633four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all 11634possible. 11635 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a 11636street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window. 11637 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned 11638with television aerials. 11639 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his 11640fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill 11641in the background. 11642 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is 11643clearly visible on one of the leading characters. 11644 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 11645% 11646Best of all is never to have been born. 11647Second best is to die soon. 11648% 11649beta test, v: 11650 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's 11651 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. 11652 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos. 11653% 11654Better by far you should forget and 11655smile than that you should remember and be sad. 11656 -- Christina Rossetti 11657% 11658Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come 11659around while you have your life in such a mess. 11660% 11661Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it. 11662% 11663Better late than never. 11664 -- Titus Livius (Livy) 11665% 11666Better living a beggar than buried an emperor. 11667% 11668Better the prince of some inferior court, 11669Than second, or less, in beatific light. 11670 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer" 11671% 11672Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all. 11673% 11674Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. 11675 -- motto of the Christopher Society 11676% 11677Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment. 11678% 11679Better tried by twelve than carried by six. 11680 -- Jeff Cooper 11681% 11682Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, 11683left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a 11684bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort 11685pushing boulders into a single word. 11686 It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. 11687Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin 11688equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the 11689destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both 11690Parliament and Party. 11691 It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other 11692planets, this may be the first message received from us. 11693 -- The Realist, November, 1964. 11694% 11695Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. 11696% 11697Between infinite and short there is a big difference. 11698 -- G.H. Gonnet 11699% 11700Between the idea 11701And the reality 11702Between the motion 11703And the act 11704Falls the Shadow 11705 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man" 11706 11707 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 11708 referring to system service dispatching.] 11709% 11710BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature. 11711% 11712Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. 11713% 11714Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe. 11715% 11716Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe. 11717% 11718Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather 11719a new wearer of clothes. 11720 -- Henry David Thoreau 11721% 11722Beware of Bigfoot! 11723% 11724Beware of bugs in the above code; 11725I have only proved it correct, not tried it. 11726 -- D. Knuth 11727% 11728Beware of friends who are false and deceitful. 11729% 11730Beware of geeks bearing graft. 11731% 11732Beware of low-flying butterflies. 11733% 11734Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The 11735danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with 11736the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell. 11737 -- St. Augustine 11738% 11739Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. 11740 -- Leonard Brandwein 11741% 11742Beware of strong drink. It can make you 11743shoot at tax collectors -- and miss. 11744 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 11745% 11746Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question. 11747% 11748"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds 11749himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous 11750resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their 11751ignorance the hard way." 11752 -- Vonnegut 11753% 11754Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything 11755is possible but nothing of interest is easy. 11756% 11757Beware the new TTY code! 11758% 11759Beware the one behind you. 11760% 11761bi, n: 11762 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert. 11763% 11764Bierman's Laws of Contracts: 11765 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". 11766 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". 11767 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's". 11768% 11769Big book, big bore. 11770 -- Callimachus 11771% 11772Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice 11773Are making midnight music in the moonlight, 11774Mighty nice! 11775% 11776Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same. 11777% 11778Biggest security gap -- an open mouth. 11779% 11780Bilbo's First Law: 11781 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels. 11782% 11783Bill Dickey is learning me his experience. 11784 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season. 11785% 11786Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from 11787 generation to generation? 11788Mom: Yes? 11789Billy: Well, this generation dropped it. 11790% 11791Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, 11792and you'll be Gary, Indiana. 11793 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace" 11794% 11795Bing's Rule: 11796 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach. 11797% 11798Biology grows on you. 11799% 11800Biology is the only science in which 11801multiplication means the same thing as division. 11802% 11803Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black 11804nightgowns do with keeping warm. 11805 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom" 11806% 11807Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues. 11808% 11809birth, n: 11810 The first and direst of all disasters. 11811 -- Ambrose Bierce 11812% 11813Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want. 11814% 11815Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the 11816behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an 11817absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that 11818time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in 11819time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend 11820on the observer's movement in restaurants. 11821 -- Douglas Adams 11822% 11823bit, n: 11824 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color 11825 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 11826 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years 11827 ago. 11828% 11829Bit off more than my mind could chew, 11830Shower or suicide, what do I do? 11831 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?" 11832% 11833Biz is better. 11834% 11835Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. 11836% 11837Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks 11838are involved in when they burn stores. 11839 -- Julius Lester 11840% 11841Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies, 11842Shy little angels as gentle as puppies, 11843Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish, 11844They were just some of my tropical fish. 11845 11846Then I got mantas that sting in the water, 11847Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter, 11848Savage male betas that bite with a squish, 11849Now I have many less tropical fish. 11850 11851 If you think that 11852 Fish are peaceful 11853 That's an empty wish. 11854 Just dump them together 11855 And leave them alone, 11856 And soon you will have -- no fish. 11857 -- To My Favorite Things 11858% 11859Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide, 11860The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side, 11861A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide, 11862She wants to hit those bricks, 11863 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline, 11864While the millionaires hide in Beekman place, 11865The bag ladies throw their bones in my face, 11866I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound, 11867I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down... 11868 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" 11869% 11870Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault. 11871% 11872Blessed are the forgetful: for they 11873get the better even of their blunders. 11874 -- Nietzsche 11875% 11876Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. 11877% 11878Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. 11879 -- Herbert Hoover 11880% 11881Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded 11882to say it. 11883 -- James Russell Lowell 11884% 11885Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, 11886for they Shall be Known as Wheels. 11887% 11888Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. 11889 -- W.C. Bennett 11890% 11891Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. 11892 -- Alexander Pope 11893% 11894Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, 11895for he shall enjoy living. 11896 -- W.C. Bennett 11897% 11898Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, 11899abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. 11900 -- George Eliot 11901% 11902Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies. 11903 -- David Nichols 11904% 11905blithwapping: 11906 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the 11907 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. 11908 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 11909% 11910Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. 11911% 11912Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: 11913 The judge's jokes are always funny. 11914% 11915Blow it out your ear. 11916% 11917Blue paint today. 11918 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.] 11919% 11920Blutarsky's Axiom: 11921 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason. 11922% 11923Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel. 11924% 11925Boling's postulate: 11926 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. 11927% 11928Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: 11929 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so 11930 vividly manifests their lack of progress. 11931% 11932Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them 11933seemed to come from Texas. 11934 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" 11935% 11936Bondage maybe, discipline never! 11937 -- T.K. 11938% 11939Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!" 11940% 11941Boob's Law: 11942 You always find something in the last place you look. 11943% 11944Booker's Law: 11945 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. 11946% 11947Bore, n: 11948 A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 11949 -- Ambrose Bierce 11950% 11951boss, n: 11952 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the 11953 words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, 11954 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an 11955 ornamental stud." 11956% 11957Boston: 11958 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic. 11959% 11960Boston: 11961 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports 11962 fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition. 11963% 11964Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and 11965interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible 11966on the same communications line connection. 11967 -- Bell System Technical Reference 11968% 11969Boucher's Observation: 11970 He who blows his own horn always plays the music 11971 several octaves higher than originally written. 11972% 11973Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding. 11974 -- Ralph Lewin 11975% 11976Bower's Law: 11977 Talent goes where the action is. 11978% 11979Bowie's Theorem: 11980 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. 11981% 11982Boy! Eucalyptus! 11983% 11984Boy, get your head out of the stars above, 11985You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 11986Save your heart and let your body be enough, 11987To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 11988Save your heart and let your body be enough, 11989And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 11990 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love" 11991% 11992Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the 11993'Advanced Systems Development' group! 11994% 11995boy, n: 11996 A noise with dirt on it. 11997% 11998Boy, that crayon sure did hurt! 11999% 12000Boycott meat - suck your thumb. 12001% 12002Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. 12003 -- Kin Hubbard 12004% 12005Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band 12006together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a 12007tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo 12008on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others. 12009They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk 12010clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix. 12011Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean 12012well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They 12013like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time, 12014which is all the time. 12015 -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head" 12016% 12017Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the unique: 12018an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently 12019anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend to think of it as 12020`Constructive Snottiness.' 12021 -- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style" 12022% 12023Bradley's Bromide: 12024 If computers get too powerful, we can organize 12025 them into a committee -- that will do them in. 12026% 12027Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: 12028 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more 12029 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger 12030 have handled this?" 12031% 12032Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no 12033wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred. 12034 -- The Mahabharata 12035% 12036Brain fried -- core dumped 12037% 12038brain, n: 12039 The apparatus with which we think that we think. 12040 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12041% 12042brain, v: [as in "to brain"] 12043 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source 12044 of error in an opponent. 12045 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12046% 12047brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a 12048theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in 12049Multics, adj: 12050 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication 12051 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage, 12052 because he/she should have known better. Calling something 12053 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable. 12054% 12055Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates, 12056is my choice for team captain. Cincinnatti was beating us 3-1, and I led 12057off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard 12058single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and 12059kept going, sliding safely into third base. 12060 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at 12061bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first. 12062Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy 12063took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third. 12064 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy 12065start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide 12066into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and 12067shouts, "Back to second if I can make it." 12068 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 12069% 12070Brandy-and-water spoils two good things. 12071 -- Charles Lamb 12072% 12073Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science. 12074 -- Randy Goebel 12075% 12076Break into jail and claim police brutality. 12077% 12078Breathe deep the gathering gloom. 12079Watch lights fade from every room. 12080Bed-sitter people look back and lament; 12081another day's useless energies spent. 12082 12083Impassioned lovers wrestle as one. 12084Lonely man cries for love and has none. 12085New mother picks up and suckles her son. 12086Senior citizens wish they were young. 12087 12088Cold-hearted orb that rules the night; 12089Removes the colors from our sight. 12090Red is grey and yellow white. 12091But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion." 12092 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed" 12093% 12094Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. 12095% 12096bride, n: 12097 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 12098% 12099Bridge ahead. Pay troll. 12100% 12101briefcase, n: 12102 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party. 12103% 12104Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of 12105data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover 12106an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order 12107and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation 12108which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation 12109in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct 12110hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to 12111construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to 12112assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves 12113only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity 12114of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the 12115analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to 12116appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses. 12117 -- A. Benjamin 12118% 12119Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati 12120 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba; 12121i borogovi eran tutti mimanti 12122 e la moma radeva fuorigraba. 12123 12124"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco, 12125 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante; 12126fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco 12127 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante". 12128 -- "The Jabberwock" 12129% 12130Bringing computers into the home won't change 12131either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon. 12132% 12133Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast 12134more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. 12135If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if 12136brusque, your character. 12137 -- Jonathan Swift 12138% 12139British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive 12140it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps. 12141 -- Peter Ustinov 12142% 12143British Israelites: 12144 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to 12145be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria 12146on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future 12147can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably 12148means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also 12149believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come 12150and take all your teeth. 12151 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12152% 12153broad-mindedness, n: 12154 The result of flattening high-mindedness out. 12155% 12156Brogan's Constant: 12157 People tend to congregate in the back 12158 of the church and the front of the bus. 12159% 12160brokee, n: 12161 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker. 12162% 12163Brooke's Law: 12164 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool 12165 discovers something which either abolishes the system or 12166 expands it beyond recognition. 12167% 12168BS: You remind me of a man. 12169B: What man? 12170BS: The man with the power. 12171B: What power? 12172BS: The power of voodoo. 12173B: Voodoo? 12174BS: You do. 12175B: Do what? 12176BS: Remind me of a man. 12177B: What man? 12178BS: The man with the power... 12179 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer" 12180% 12181Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang. 12182% 12183Bucy's Law: 12184 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 12185% 12186Bug: 12187 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. 12188 The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends 12189 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. 12190% 12191bug, n: 12192 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. 12193 The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends 12194 when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. 12195 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 12196% 12197Build a system that even a fool can use 12198and only a fool will want to use it. 12199% 12200Building translators is good clean fun. 12201 -- T. Cheatham 12202% 12203Bullwinkle: You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit. 12204General: What does that make YOU? 12205Bullwinkle: What else? An executive. 12206% 12207Bumper sticker: 12208 All the parts falling off this car are 12209 of the very finest British manufacture. 12210% 12211Bunker's Admonition: 12212 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it. 12213% 12214BURBULATION: 12215 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in 12216 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on. 12217 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 12218% 12219Bureau Termination, Law of: 12220 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, 12221 the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12222 12 months after the decision is made. 12223% 12224bureaucracy, n: 12225 A method for transforming energy into solid waste. 12226% 12227bureaucrat, n: 12228 A politician who has tenure. 12229% 12230Burke's Postulates: 12231 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 12232 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer. 12233% 12234Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas. 12235 -- Ken Weaver 12236% 12237Bus error -- driver executed. 12238% 12239Bus error -- please leave by the rear door. 12240% 12241Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai! 12242% 12243Business is a good game -- lots of competition 12244and minimum of rules. You keep score with money. 12245 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari 12246% 12247Business will be either better or worse. 12248 -- Calvin Coolidge 12249% 12250...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be 12251proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge 12252to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women 12253were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still 12254unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and 12255in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than 12256the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If 12257there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute 12258of value. 12259 -- Ambrose Bierce 12260% 12261But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer! 12262% 12263But, for my own part, it was Greek to me. 12264 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 12265% 12266But has any little atom, 12267 While a-sittin' and a-splittin', 12268Ever stopped to think or CARE 12269 That E = m c**2 ? 12270% 12271"But Huey, you PROMISED!" 12272"Tell 'em I lied." 12273% 12274But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness. 12275I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to 12276kill more than I could eat. 12277 -- Raoul Duke 12278% 12279But I don't like Spam!!!! 12280% 12281"But I don't want to go on the cart..." 12282"Oh, don't be such a baby!" 12283"But I'm feeling much better..." 12284"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!" 12285 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail" 12286% 12287But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go 12288back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you 12289what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous 12290to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something 12291true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or 12292theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might 12293even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of 12294crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is 12295that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away 12296with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not 12297everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It 12298therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such 12299arrogance down. 12300 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room" 12301% 12302But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 12303intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as 12304we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues 12305that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding 12306of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard 12307example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- 12308makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing 12309whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a 12310finite or an infinite number. 12311 -- S.J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 12312% 12313But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable 12314nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study. 12315 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge" 12316% 12317But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the 12318system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, 12319analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. 12320 -- Bruce Leverett, 12321 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" 12322% 12323But it does move! 12324 -- Galileo Galilei 12325% 12326But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come! 12327% 12328But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane, 12329In proving foresight may be vain: 12330The best laid schemes o' mice an' men 12331Gang aft a-gley, 12332An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain 12333For promised joy. 12334 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785 12335% 12336But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch! 12337% 12338But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green! 12339% 12340But scientists, who ought to know 12341Assure us that it must be so. 12342Oh, let us never, never doubt 12343What nobody is sure about. 12344 -- Hilaire Belloc 12345% 12346But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day. 12347% 12348But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than 12349frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them? 12350 -- M. Proust 12351% 12352But soft you, the fair Ophelia: 12353Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, 12354But get thee to a nunnery -- go! 12355 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain 12356% 12357But these pills can't be habit forming; 12358I've been taking them for years. 12359% 12360But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad 12361place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. 12362Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What 12363is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not 12364enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? 12365Have I explained yet about the bytes? 12366% 12367But you shall not escape my iambics. 12368 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 12369% 12370But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical 12371reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than 12372those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature. 12373 -- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds" 12374% 12375Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes 12376Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; 12377Less dear than army ants in apple pies 12378Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, 12379Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; 12380Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose 12381They suck, and like the double-breasted suit 12382Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, 12383Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; 12384And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: 12385Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; 12386Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. 12387Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, 12388Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. 12389% 12390buzzword, n: 12391 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy. 12392% 12393By doing just a little every day, you can 12394gradually let the task completely overwhelm you. 12395% 12396By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. 12397% 12398By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other 12399designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun. 12400 -- P.J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April 12401 Fool's column. 12402% 12403By nature, men are nearly alike; 12404by practice, they get to be wide apart. 12405 -- Confucius 12406% 12407By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. 12408In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others 12409as it is to invent. 12410 -- R. Emerson 12411 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program 12412 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") 12413 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to 12414 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.] 12415% 12416By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. 12417 -- Charles Spurgeon 12418% 12419By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death. 12420 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 12421% 12422By the time you swear you're his, 12423shivering and sighing 12424and he vows his passion is 12425infinite, undying -- 12426Lady, make a note of this: 12427One of you is lying. 12428 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence" 12429% 12430By the yard, life is hard. 12431By the inch, it's a cinch. 12432% 12433By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. 12434Another man's, I mean. 12435 -- Mark Twain 12436% 12437By working faithfully eight hours a day, 12438you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. 12439 -- Robert Frost 12440% 12441byob, v: 12442 Believing Your Own Bull 12443% 12444Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to 12445point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very 12446fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are 12447often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people 12448from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B 12449that so many people from point B are so keen to get there. They often 12450wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell 12451they wanted to be. 12452 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 12453% 12454BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then 12455carefully print the chaff. 12456% 12457Byte your tongue. 12458% 12459C Code. 12460C Code Run. 12461Run, Code, RUN! 12462 PLEASE!!!! 12463% 12464C for yourself. 12465% 12466C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360. 12467% 12468C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that 12469harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. 12470 -- Bjarne Stroustrup 12471% 12472C, n: 12473 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like 12474 assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything 12475 else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or 12476 it isn't. 12477 -- Ray Simard 12478% 12479cabbage, n: 12480 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as 12481 a man's head. 12482 -- Ambrose Bierce 12483% 12484Cache: 12485 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one 12486 is supposed to know is there. 12487% 12488Cahn's Axiom: 12489 When all else fails, read the instructions. 12490% 12491California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. 12492 -- Fred Allen 12493% 12494Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God 12495and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your 12496coffee. 12497% 12498Call on God, but row away from the rocks. 12499 -- Indian proverb 12500% 12501Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the 12502current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled 12503damnation. 12504 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the 12505 Life of Hall" 12506 12507 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 12508 referring to logical names.] 12509% 12510Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target 12511Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept. 12512% 12513Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people! 12514 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" 12515% 12516Calm down, it's *only* ones and zeroes. 12517% 12518Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes, 12519Calm down, it's only bits and bytes, 12520Calm down, and speak to me in English, 12521Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites. 12522% 12523Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die." 12524Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?" 12525Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?" 12526% 12527Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. 12528 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 12529% 12530Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man 12531who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont. 12532 -- Clarence Darrow 12533% 12534Campbell's Law: 12535 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. 12536% 12537Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me. 12538% 12539Can anyone remember when the times 12540were not hard, and money not scarce? 12541% 12542Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? 12543Yes, work never begun. 12544% 12545Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the 12546only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price. 12547 -- Robert J. Ringer 12548% 12549Canada Bill Jones's Motto: 12550 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 12551 12552Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: 12553 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. 12554% 12555Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. 12556It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. 12557 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post 12558% 12559CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 12560 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy, 12561 but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are 12562 poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough 12563 when you're poor and unhappy. 12564% 12565Canonical, adj.: 12566 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story: 12567One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use 12568of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as 12569much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in. 12570Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like 12571fashion without thinking. 12572 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" 12573 Stallman: "What did he say?" 12574 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." 12575% 12576Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances. 12577 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test. 12578 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 12579% 12580Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar. 12581% 12582Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat. 12583% 12584Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for 12585the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all. 12586 -- John Maynard Keynes 12587% 12588CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) 12589 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important 12590 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much 12591 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are 12592 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers 12593 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha. 12594% 12595CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) 12596 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything 12597 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget 12598 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse. 12599% 12600CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) 12601 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do 12602 much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn 12603 of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for 12604 too long as they tend to take root and become trees. 12605% 12606Captain Penny's Law: 12607 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and 12608 some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. 12609% 12610Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5... 12611% 12612Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. 12613Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, 12614mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it 12615takes. 12616% 12617Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print 12618the name Craney incorrectly. 12619 -- Jim Canrey 12620% 12621Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of 12622fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, 12623the same can be said of dirt. 12624% 12625carperpetuation, n: 12626 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen 12627 times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting 12628 it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 12629 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 12630% 12631Carson's Consolation: 12632 Nothing is ever a complete failure. 12633 It can always be used as a bad example. 12634% 12635Carson's Observation on Footwear: 12636 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too. 12637% 12638Carswell's Corollary: 12639 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, 12640 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse. 12641% 12642Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world. 12643 -- The Beach Boys 12644% 12645Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles. 12646 -- Howard Chaykin 12647% 12648Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so. 12649% 12650Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. 12651 -- Garrison Keillor 12652% 12653Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull 12654a sled through the snow. 12655% 12656Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind. 12657% 12658Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. 12659 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" 12660% 12661Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. 12662% 12663Caution: Keep out of reach of children. 12664% 12665CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. 12666% 12667CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude... 12668% 12669Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. 12670% 12671Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center 12672of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An 12673incorrect model can be a useful tool. 12674 -- Kelvin Throop III 12675% 12676Census Taker to Housewife: 12677Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? 12678% 12679Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543. 12680% 12681cerebral atrophy, n: 12682 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and 12683impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause 12684symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic 12685performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to 12686everday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort 12687and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become 12688victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying. 12689 12690cerebral darwinism, n: 12691 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed 12692through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of 12693alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through 12694the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die 12695first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the 12696imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity. 12697Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic 12698performance actually increases beyond previous levels. 12699% 12700Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. 12701Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you... something 12702Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out 12703 of it? 12704Jaka: Oooh. 12705Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? 12706 -- Cerebus, #6, "The Secret" 12707% 12708Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long 12709walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They 12710then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy 12711health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, 12712not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find 12713only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the 12714others who have tried it. 12715 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12716% 12717 12718Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the 12719most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of 12720Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which 12721reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression 12722nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would 12723but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground 12724nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)." 12725 -- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973 12726% 12727Certainly the game is rigged. 12728Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win. 12729 -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 12730% 12731Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, 12732But it's very funny -- 12733did you ever try buying them without money? 12734 -- Ogden Nash 12735% 12736C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre! 12737% 12738C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique. 12739 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341] 12740% 12741CF&C stole it, fair and square. 12742 -- Tim Hahn 12743% 12744Chairman of the Bored. 12745% 12746Chamberlain's Laws: 12747 1: The big guys always win. 12748 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken. 12749% 12750Champagne don't make me lazy. Cocaine don't drive me crazy. 12751Ain't nobody's business but my own. 12752 -- Taj Mahal 12753% 12754Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign. 12755 -- Anatole France 12756% 12757Change your thoughts and you change your world. 12758% 12759Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles. 12760 -- Kathleen Norris 12761% 12762Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world. 12763% 12764Chapter 1: 12765 The story so far: 12766 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made 12767a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. 12768% 12769Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay 12770 12771 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by 12772Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation 12773that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never 12774quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his 12775mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define 12776a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation 12777can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human 12778race in general. 12779% 12780character density, n.: 12781 The number of very weird people in the office. 12782% 12783Character is what you are in the dark! 12784 -- Lord John Whorfin 12785% 12786CHARITY: 12787 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there. 12788% 12789Charity begins at home. 12790 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 12791% 12792Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth? 12793Linus: To make others happy. 12794Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth? 12795% 12796Charlie was a chemist, 12797But Charlie is no more. 12798What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4. 12799% 12800Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" -- 12801without having asked any clear question. 12802% 12803Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap. 12804% 12805Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers... 12806they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key! 12807% 12808checkuary, n: 12809 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends 12810 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks. 12811% 12812Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. 12813% 12814Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality. 12815 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" 12816% 12817Chef, n: 12818 Any cook who swears in French. 12819% 12820Cheit's Lament: 12821 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you-- 12822 the next time he's in need. 12823% 12824CHEMICALS: 12825 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. 12826% 12827Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work. 12828% 12829Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks. 12830% 12831Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react. 12832% 12833Cheops' Law: 12834 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. 12835% 12836"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, 12837 which way I ought to go from here?" 12838"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 12839"I don't care much where--" said Alice. 12840"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat. 12841% 12842Chess tonight. 12843% 12844CHICAGO: 12845 Where the dead still vote... early and often! 12846% 12847Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: 12848 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn 12849headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". 12850 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 12851% 12852Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: 12853 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request 12854for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will 12855cheerfully baste you. 12856 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 12857% 12858Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?" 12859Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?" 12860% 12861Chicken Little was right. 12862% 12863Chicken Soup: 12864 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, 12865 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup 12866 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. 12867 -- Arthur Naiman 12868% 12869Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that 12870shivers when it's warm. 12871% 12872Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like 12873them. That's when they come over and violate your body space. 12874% 12875Children are natural mimics who act like their parents 12876despite every effort to teach them good manners. 12877% 12878Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're 12879going to catch you in next. 12880 -- Franklin P. Jones 12881% 12882Children aren't happy without something to ignore, 12883And that's what parents were created for. 12884 -- Ogden Nash 12885% 12886Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. 12887Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. 12888 -- Oscar Wilde 12889% 12890Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually 12891repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 12892% 12893Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. 12894 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" 12895% 12896Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks." 12897% 12898Chism's Law of Completion: 12899 The amount of time required to complete a government project is 12900 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. 12901% 12902Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: 12903 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. 12904% 12905Chocolate Chip. 12906% 12907Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as 12908a friend if she were a man. 12909 -- Joubert 12910% 12911Chorus: 12912 Grandma got run over by a reindeer, 12913 Walking home from our house Christmas eve. 12914 You can say there's no such thing as Santa, 12915 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe! 12916She'd been drinking too much eggnog, 12917And we begged her not to go. 12918But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning, 12919And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack. 12920 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead, 12921 And incriminating claus-marks on her 12922Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back. 12923He's been taking this so well. 12924See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and 12925Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors, 12926 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves! 12927 They should never give a license, 12928 To a man who drives a sleigh and 12929 plays with elves! 12930 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" 12931% 12932Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him. 12933% 12934Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found 12935difficult and not tried. 12936 -- G.K. Chesterton 12937% 12938Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. 12939 -- George Bernard Shaw 12940% 12941Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens; 12942Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens; 12943Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens, 12944Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again. 12945 12946On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll, 12947Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil, 12948There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil, 12949The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice. 12950 12951It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings, 12952It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things. 12953Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants, 12954What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay. 12955 Angels We Have Heard On High, 12956Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy. 12957Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo... 12958Driving his reindeer across the sky, 12959Don't stand underneath when they fly by! 12960 -- Tom Lehrer 12961% 12962Churchill's Commentary on Man: 12963 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, 12964 but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. 12965% 12966CIGARETTE: 12967 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, 12968 and a bit of tobacco in between. 12969% 12970CINEMUCK: 12971 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate 12972 which covers the floors of movie theaters. 12973 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 12974% 12975Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. 12976 -- Herodotus 12977% 12978Civilization and profits go hand in hand. 12979 -- Calvin Coolidge 12980% 12981Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening. 12982See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information. 12983% 12984Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. 12985 -- Mark Twain 12986% 12987clairvoyant, n.: 12988 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that 12989which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. 12990 -- Ambrose Bierce 12991% 12992Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who 12993aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy. 12994 -- Samuel Johnson 12995% 12996Clarke's Conclusion: 12997 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing. 12998% 12999Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class. 13000Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead. 13001 -- "Bugsy" Siegel 13002% 13003Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're 13004leading the parade. 13005 -- Bill Battie 13006% 13007Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. 13008 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings" 13009% 13010Clay's Conclusion: 13011 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. 13012% 13013Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling 13014the walk before it stops snowing. 13015 -- Phyllis Diller 13016 13017There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years 13018the dirt doesn't get any worse. 13019 -- Quentin Crisp 13020% 13021Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. 13022 -- P.J. O'Rourke 13023% 13024Cleanliness is next to impossible. 13025% 13026CLEVELAND: 13027 Where their last tornado did six 13028 million dollars worth of improvements. 13029% 13030Cleveland? 13031Yes, I spent a week there one day. 13032% 13033Climate and Surgery 13034 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who 13035received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at 13036the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the 13037day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be 13038riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially 13039recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery. 13040 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861 13041% 13042Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer. 13043 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?" 13044 "Well, yes, I am." 13045 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here." 13046 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse, 13047me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The 13048passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer, 13049please?" it asked the bartender. 13050 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped. 13051"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?" 13052 "No, I'm a frayed knot." 13053% 13054clone, n: 13055 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their 13056 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product 13057 is a clone of our product." 13058% 13059Clones are people two. 13060% 13061Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. 13062% 13063Clothes make the man. 13064Naked people have little or no influence on society. 13065 -- Mark Twain 13066% 13067Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: 13068 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated 13069 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, 13070 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft. 13071% 13072Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm? 13073Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one. 13074 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted 13075 13076Coach: How about a beer, Norm? 13077Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life. 13078 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted 13079 13080Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm? 13081Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in. 13082 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights 13083% 13084Coach: How's it going, Norm? 13085Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'. 13086 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences 13087 13088Sam: What's up, Norm? 13089Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there. 13090 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action 13091 13092Coach: What's the story, Norm? 13093Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it. 13094 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper 13095% 13096Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie? 13097Norm: Daddy wuvs you. 13098 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail 13099 13100Sam: What'd you like, Normie? 13101Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer. 13102 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man 13103 13104Sam: What will you have, Norm? 13105Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass 13106 of whatever comes out of that tap. 13107Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm. 13108Norm: Call me Mister Lucky. 13109 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner 13110% 13111Coach: What's up, Norm? 13112Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach. 13113 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights 13114 13115Coach: What's shaking, Norm? 13116Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach. 13117 -- Cheers, Snow Job 13118 13119Coach: Beer, Normie? 13120Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. 13121 Eh, why not, I'm still young. 13122 -- Cheers, Snow Job 13123% 13124COBOL: 13125 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 13126% 13127COBOL: 13128 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic. 13129% 13130COBOL is for morons. 13131 -- E.W. Dijkstra 13132% 13133Cobol programmers are down in the dumps. 13134% 13135COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 13136% 13137Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a 13138terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead. 13139% 13140Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- 13141I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. 13142 -- Ambrose Bierce 13143% 13144Cohen's Law: 13145 There is no bottom to worse. 13146% 13147Cohn's Law: 13148 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less 13149 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend 13150 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. 13151% 13152Coincidences are spiritual puns. 13153 -- G.K. Chesterton 13154% 13155COLD: 13156 When the politicians walk around 13157 with their hands in their own pockets. 13158% 13159Cold hands, no gloves. 13160% 13161Cole's Law: 13162 Thinly sliced cabbage. 13163% 13164COLLABORATION: 13165 A literary partnership based on the false 13166 assumption that the other fellow can spell. 13167% 13168COLLEGE: 13169 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink. 13170% 13171College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the 13172faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if 13173the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, 13174legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the 13175loss to humanity. 13176 -- H.L. Mencken 13177% 13178COLORADO: 13179 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel. 13180% 13181Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. 13182% 13183Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 13184 131850. integrated 0. management 0. options 131861. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility 131872. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability 131883. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility 131894. functional 4. digital 4. programming 131905. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept 131916. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase 131927. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection 131938. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware 131949. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency 13195 13196 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select 13197the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces 13198"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into 13199virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No 13200one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton, 13201"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it." 13202 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship" 13203% 13204Colvard's Logical Premises: 13205 All probabilities are 50%. 13206Either a thing will happen or it won't. 13207 13208Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: 13209 This is especially true when 13210 dealing with someone you're attracted to. 13211 13212Grelb's Commentary: 13213 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. 13214% 13215Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 13216And every vector dreams of matrices. 13217Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 13218It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 13219 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 13220% 13221Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring 13222Your winter garment of repentence fling. 13223The bird of time has but a little way 13224To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing. 13225 -- Omar Khayyam 13226% 13227Come home America. 13228 -- George McGovern, 1972 13229% 13230Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over, 13231Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober. 13232 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2 13233% 13234Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 13235Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 13236Their indices bedecked from one to n, 13237Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 13238 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 13239% 13240Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 13241Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 13242Their indices bedecked from one to n, 13243Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 13244 13245Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 13246And every vector dreams of matrices. 13247Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 13248It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 13249 13250In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space 13251Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. 13252Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, 13253We shall encounter, counting, face to face. 13254 -- The Cyberiad 13255% 13256Come live with me, and be my love, 13257And we will some new pleasures prove 13258Of golden sands, and crystal brooks, 13259With silken lines, and silver hooks. 13260 -- John Donne 13261% 13262Come live with me and be my love, 13263And we will some new pleasures prove 13264Of golden sands and crystal brooks 13265With silken lines, and silver hooks. 13266There's nothing that I wouldn't do 13267If you would be my POSSLQ. 13268 13269You live with me, and I with you, 13270And you will be my POSSLQ. 13271I'll be your friend and so much more; 13272That's what a POSSLQ is for. 13273 13274And everything we will confess; 13275Yes, even to the IRS. 13276Some day on what we both may earn, 13277Perhaps we'll file a joint return. 13278You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint; 13279You'll share my life - up to a point! 13280And that you'll be so glad to do, 13281Because you'll be my POSSLQ. 13282% 13283Come, muse, let us sing of rats! 13284 -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767 13285% 13286Come quickly, I am tasting stars! 13287 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne. 13288% 13289Come, you spirits 13290That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, 13291And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full 13292Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood, 13293Stop up the access and passage to remorse 13294That no compunctious visiting of nature 13295Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between 13296The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts, 13297And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers, 13298Wherever in your sightless substances 13299You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night, 13300And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell, 13301That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, 13302Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, 13303To cry `Hold, hold!' 13304 -- Lady MacBeth 13305% 13306Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public. 13307% 13308Coming to Stores Near You: 13309 13310101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring: 13311 13312 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog 13313 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing 13314 I'm Not Misbehaving 13315 13316And A Whole Lot More... 13317% 13318Coming together is a beginning; 13319 keeping together is progress; 13320 working together is success. 13321% 13322Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways. 13323 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 13324% 13325COMMITTMENT: 13326 Committment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. 13327 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. 13328% 13329Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. 13330 -- Josh Billings 13331 13332Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 13333 -- Albert Einstein 13334% 13335Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 13336 -- Albert Einstein 13337% 13338Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. 13339Everyone thinks he has enough. 13340 -- Descartes, 1637 13341% 13342Commoner's three laws of ecology: 13343 1) No action is without side-effects. 13344 2) Nothing ever goes away. 13345 3) There is no free lunch. 13346% 13347Communicate! It can't make things any worse. 13348% 13349Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software 13350has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It 13351either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade, 13352stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is 13353misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with 13354the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the 13355characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management. 13356 -- Dan Klein 13357% 13358COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler 13359one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal. 13360 -- J.N. Gray 13361% 13362Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, 13363is in the eye of the beholder. 13364 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 13365% 13366Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's 13367courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not 13368be enough. 13369 -- Gene Scott 13370% 13371COMPLEX SYSTEM: 13372 One with real problems and imaginary profits. 13373% 13374COMPLIMENT: 13375 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true. 13376% 13377compuberty, n: 13378 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a 13379 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and 13380 a sun4 is put online sharing files. 13381% 13382COMPUTER: 13383 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a 13384 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe 13385 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan. 13386% 13387Computer programmers do it byte by byte. 13388% 13389Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing. 13390% 13391Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available. 13392% 13393COMPUTER SCIENCE: 13394 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the 13395 precision of the former and the success of the latter. 13396 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms. 13397 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious. 13398 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities. 13399 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light. 13400 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. 13401% 13402Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view 13403adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance 13404 -- Jim Horning 13405% 13406Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 13407% 13408Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. 13409Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 13410 -- Gilb 13411% 13412Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. 13413 -- Pablo Picasso 13414% 13415Computers don't actually think. 13416 You just think they think. 13417 (We think.) 13418% 13419Conceit causes more conversation than wit. 13420 -- LaRouchefoucauld 13421% 13422CONCEPT: 13423 Any "idea" for which an outside 13424 consultant billed you more than $25,000. 13425% 13426Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed 13427from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. 13428 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 13429% 13430Condense soup, not books! 13431% 13432CONFERENCE: 13433 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear 13434 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what 13435 he's already decided to do. 13436% 13437Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; 13438confess them to man and you will be laughed at. 13439 -- Josh Billings 13440% 13441Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career. 13442% 13443Confession is good for the soul only in the sense 13444that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. 13445 -- Peter de Vries 13446% 13447Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for 13448the reputation. 13449 -- Lord Thomas Dewar 13450% 13451Confidant, confidante, n: 13452 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C. 13453 -- Ambrose Bierce 13454% 13455Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you 13456fall flag on your face. 13457 -- Dr. L. Binder 13458% 13459Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. 13460% 13461CONFIRMED BACHELOR: 13462 A man who goes through life without a hitch. 13463% 13464Conflicting research paradigms 13465Have legitimized various crimes. 13466 The worst we can see 13467 Is in psychology, 13468Measuring reaction times. 13469% 13470Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative. 13471% 13472Confucius say too damn much! 13473% 13474Confucius say too much. 13475 -- Recent Chinese Proverb 13476% 13477Confusion will be my epitaph 13478as I walk a cracked and broken path 13479If we make it we can all sit back and laugh 13480but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying. 13481 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King" 13482% 13483Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. 13484If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't 13485hesitate to ask! 13486% 13487Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would 13488give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you 13489undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. 13490Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL 13491CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T 13492YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH 13493THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH 13494SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS 13495CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING 13496TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES 13497RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? 13498 -- Dave Barry 13499% 13500Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. 13501 13502He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the 13503Year award. 13504% 13505Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime. 13506 13507 Mathematician's Proof: 13508 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all 13509 odd numbers are prime. 13510 Physicist's Proof: 13511 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental 13512 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... 13513 Engineer's Proof: 13514 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime. 13515 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... 13516 Computer Scientists's Proof: 13517 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime... 13518% 13519Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe. 13520% 13521Conscience doth make cowards of us all. 13522 -- Shakespeare 13523% 13524Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts 13525when everything else feels great. 13526% 13527Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. 13528 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy" 13529% 13530Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 13531% 13532CONSENT DECREE: 13533 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit 13534 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it 13535 never admitted to in the first place. 13536% 13537Conservative: 13538 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. 13539 -- Leo C. Rosten 13540% 13541Conservative, n: 13542 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished 13543 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. 13544 -- Ambrose Bierce 13545% 13546"Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..." 13547 -- Professor in the UCB physics department 13548% 13549Consider the following axioms carefully: 13550 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz." 13551 and 13552 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it." 13553What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The 13554thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to 13555consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke". 13556% 13557Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal 13558it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only. 13559 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 13560% 13561Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in 13562the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. 13563 -- Josh Billings 13564% 13565CONSULTANT: 13566 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell 13567 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title 13568 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have 13569 Calculator, Will Travel. 13570% 13571CONSULTANT: 13572 An ordinary man a long way from home. 13573% 13574CONSULTANT: 13575 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con 13576 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of 13577 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who 13578 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase 13579 and heavy wallet. 13580% 13581CONSULTANT: 13582 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a 13583 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth. 13584% 13585Consultants are mystical people who ask a 13586company for a number and then give it back to them. 13587% 13588CONSULTATION: 13589 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth." 13590% 13591Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by 13592the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will 13593we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always 13594will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and 13595seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom. 13596 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed. 13597% 13598"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and 13599if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" 13600 -- Lewis Carroll 13601% 13602Convention is the ruler of all. 13603 -- Pindar 13604% 13605CONVERSATION: 13606 A vocal competition in which the one who 13607 is catching his breath is called the listener. 13608% 13609Conversation enriches the understanding, 13610but solitude is the school of genius. 13611% 13612Conway's Law: 13613 In any organization there will always be one person who knows 13614 what is going on. 13615 13616 This person must be fired. 13617% 13618Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the 13619line-up. 13620 -- Raymond Chandler 13621% 13622COPYING MACHINE: 13623 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, 13624 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't 13625 interested in reading them. 13626% 13627Coronation, n: 13628 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible 13629 signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. 13630 -- Ambrose Bierce 13631% 13632Correction does much, but encouragement does more. 13633 -- Goethe 13634% 13635Correspondence Corollary: 13636 An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half 13637 your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory. 13638% 13639CORRUPT: 13640 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. 13641% 13642Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle 13643of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of 13644capitalism. 13645 -- Walter Lippmann 13646% 13647Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner. 13648His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. 13649 -- P.B.A. President E.J. Kiernan 13650% 13651Corry's Law: 13652 Paper is always strongest at the perforations. 13653% 13654Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell 13655at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure 13656the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse 13657mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention 13658being easier to stake. 13659% 13660Counting in binary is just like counting 13661in decimal -- if you are all thumbs. 13662 -- Glaser and Way 13663% 13664Counting in octal is just like counting 13665in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs. 13666 -- Tom Lehrer 13667% 13668Courage is fear that has said its prayers. 13669% 13670Courage is grace under pressure. 13671% 13672Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear. 13673 -- Mark Twain 13674% 13675Courage is your greatest present need. 13676% 13677court, n.: 13678 A place where they dispense with justice. 13679 -- Arthur Train 13680% 13681Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. 13682 -- William Congreve 13683% 13684COWARD: 13685 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 13686% 13687[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, 13688with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. 13689 -- Wernher von Braun 13690% 13691Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!! 13692% 13693Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking 13694process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical 13695attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an 13696enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable 13697and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference 13698between adequacy and excellence. 13699% 13700Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for 13701peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being 13702ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll 13703say it was obvious all along. 13704 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 13705% 13706Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing. 13707% 13708Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility; 13709sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube. 13710% 13711Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man. 13712 -- James Blish 13713% 13714CREDITOR: 13715 A man who has a better memory than a debtor. 13716% 13717Crenna's Law of Political Accountability: 13718 If you are the first to know about something bad, 13719 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, 13720 regardless of your formal duties. 13721% 13722Crime does not pay... as well as politics. 13723 -- A.E. Newman 13724% 13725CRITIC: 13726 A person who boasts himself hard to please 13727 because nobody tries to please him. 13728% 13729critic, n.: 13730 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries 13731 to please him. 13732 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13733% 13734Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship. 13735 -- Zeuxis 13736% 13737Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've 13738seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. 13739 -- Brendan Behan 13740% 13741Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? 13742 -- Socrates' last words 13743% 13744Croll's Query: 13745 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? 13746% 13747Cropp's Law: 13748 The amount of work done varies inversly 13749 with the time spent in the office. 13750% 13751Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them. 13752 -- Madonna 13753% 13754Cruickshank's Law of Committees: 13755 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it 13756 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so 13757 much work has already been done on it. 13758% 13759Crusade for Cthulu! It Found ME! 13760% 13761Crush! Kill! Destroy! 13762% 13763Cthulhu Cthucks! 13764% 13765Cthulhu for President! 13766 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.) 13767% 13768Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later. 13769% 13770Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why. 13771% 13772Cure the disease and kill the patient. 13773 -- Francis Bacon 13774% 13775CURSOR: 13776 One whose program will not run. 13777 -- Robb Russon 13778% 13779curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field 13780environment. 13781 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names, 13782addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial 13783matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more 13784people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don 13785Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG. 13786The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is 13787the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you 13788order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds". 13789Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses, 13790check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent, 13791possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10 13792columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples 13793cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still 13794with us. 13795 13796MOZ DONG n. 13797 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da 13798Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l 13799Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y. 13800 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 13801% 13802Custer committed Siouxicide. 13803% 13804Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight 13805of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat. 13806 -- Gerry Youghkins 13807 13808If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people 13809don't like it. 13810 -- Gerry Youghkins 13811% 13812Cutler Webster's Law: 13813 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person 13814 is personally involved, in which case there is only one. 13815% 13816Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It 13817eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the 13818business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." 13819 -- Johnny Hart 13820% 13821CYNIC: 13822 Experienced. 13823% 13824CYNIC: 13825 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. 13826% 13827Cynic, n: 13828 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, 13829 not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the 13830 Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 13831 -- Ambrose Bierce 13832% 13833Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why 13834several of us died of tuberculosis. 13835 -- Jack Handey 13836% 13837DALLAS: 13838 The city that chose Astroturf to 13839 keep the cheerleaders from grazing. 13840% 13841Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead. 13842% 13843Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor. 13844% 13845"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!" 13846% 13847Damn braces. 13848 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell" 13849% 13850Damn, I need a Coke! 13851 -- Dr. William DeVries 13852 [after implanting the first artificial human heart] 13853% 13854DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! 13855% 13856Dark and lonely on a summer night 13857 Kill my landlord, 13858 Kill my landlord. 13859The watchdog barkin' 13860Do he bite? 13861 Kill my landlord, 13862 Kill my landlord. 13863Slip in his window. 13864Break his neck. 13865Then his house I start to wreck 13866Got no reason, 13867What the heck? 13868 Kill my landlord, 13869 Kill my landlord. 13870 C-I-L-L my landlord! 13871 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL 13872% 13873Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the 13874opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember. 13875 -- Oliver Herford 13876% 13877Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold! 13878 -- Princess Leia Organa 13879% 13880Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. 13881% 13882DATA: 13883 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories. 13884% 13885DATA: 13886 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced 13887 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child. 13888% 13889David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans": 13890 13891 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO 13892 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE" 13893 * Hourly motel rates 13894 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here 13895 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II 13896 like some countries we could mention 13897 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies 13898 * Our well-behaved golf professionals 13899 * Fabulous babes coast to coast 13900% 13901Davis' Law of Traffic Density: 13902 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to 13903 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time. 13904% 13905Davis's Dictum: 13906 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves. 13907% 13908DAWN: 13909 The time when men of reason go to bed. 13910% 13911Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. 13912% 13913DEADWOOD: 13914 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are. 13915% 13916Dealing with failure is easy: 13917 Work hard to improve. 13918Success is also easy to handle: 13919 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. 13920% 13921Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. 13922Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work 13923hard to improve. 13924% 13925Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation, 13926all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year. 13927 -- C.N. Parkinson 13928% 13929Dear Emily: 13930 How can I choose what groups to post in? 13931 -- Confused 13932 13933Dear Confused: 13934 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After 13935all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you 13936should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate. 13937Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested. 13938 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event 13939that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you 13940expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the 13941header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in 13942the fringe groups. 13943 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13944% 13945Dear Emily: 13946 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to 13947summarize. What should I do? 13948 -- Editor 13949 13950Dear Editor: 13951 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post 13952that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the 13953replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when 13954summarizing a vote. 13955 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13956% 13957Dear Emily: 13958 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize." 13959What should I do? 13960 -- Doubtful 13961 13962Dear Doubtful: 13963 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to 13964dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are 13965much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by 13966mail. 13967 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13968% 13969Dear Emily: 13970 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should 13971I do? 13972 -- Angry 13973 13974Dear Angry: 13975 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments 13976between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article 13977looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long 13978point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and 13979lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges. 13980 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 13981% 13982Dear Emily: 13983 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I 13984tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for 13985his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired. 13986Everybody laughed at me. What can I do? 13987 -- A Concerned Citizen 13988 13989Dear Concerned: 13990 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer 13991experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They 13992will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely 13993represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all 13994act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net 13995society. 13996 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things 13997like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they 13998understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant 13999literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if 14000possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper -- 14001they are always interested in good stories. 14002% 14003Dear Emily: 14004 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted 14005to. How about an example? 14006 -- Still Confused 14007 14008Dear Still: 14009 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from 14010the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey 14011would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a 14012big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy 14013as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try 14014news.admin. If not, use news.misc. 14015 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics. 14016He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also 14017interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to 14018soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to 14019news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of 14020interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as 14021well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles 14022there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.) 14023 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each 14024group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders 14025will only show the the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this. 14026 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 14027% 14028Dear Emily: 14029 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature. 14030What should I do? 14031 -- Forgetful 14032 14033Dear Forgetful: 14034 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says, 14035"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here 14036it is." 14037 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article, 14038(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy 14039signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more 14040about the signature anyway. 14041 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 14042% 14043Dear Emily, what about test messages? 14044 -- Concerned 14045 14046Dear Concerned: 14047 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test 14048merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please 14049ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips 14050a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female 14051but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth 14052by all USEnauts. 14053 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 14054% 14055Dear Freshman, 14056 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but 14057unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather 14058prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by 14059mistake, and you came to school here by mistake. 14060% 14061Dear Lord: 14062 I just want a one-armed manager so I 14063 never have to hear "On the other hand", again. 14064% 14065Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may 14066have to eat them. 14067% 14068Dear Miss Manners: 14069 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's 14070elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between 14071courses, is all right. Which is correct? 14072 14073Gentle Reader: 14074 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home 14075economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle 14076of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning 14077correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is. 14078% 14079Dear Miss Manners: 14080I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of 14081rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection? 14082This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella 14083protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting 14084soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken, 14085and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my 14086umbrella without seeming insulting? 14087 14088Gentle Reader: 14089Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper, 14090although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how 14091attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss 14092Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection 14093before making your attack. 14094% 14095Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of 14096this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be 14097watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for 14098a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky 14099Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food 14100such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete 14101breakfast". Doesn't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", 14102or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make 14103essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of 14104shaving cream there, or a dead bat? 14105 14106Answer: Yes. 14107 -- Dave Barry 14108% 14109Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? 14110 14111Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs 14112to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: 14113WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S. 14114Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered 14115small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random 14116words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. 14117 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 14118% 14119Dear Ms. Postnews: 14120 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What 14121 should I do? 14122 -- Eager Beaver 14123 14124Dear Eager: 14125 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people 14126read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm 14127posting it. All others please ignore." 14128 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning 14129over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective 14130time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet 14131maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute 14132your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call 14133directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost 14134as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call! 14135 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's 14136money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight 14137letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp! 14138 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through, 14139so post it as many places as you can. 14140 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 14141% 14142Dear Sir, 14143 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or 14144to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public 14145places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers 14146being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un- 14147employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry. 14148 Yours faithfully, 14149 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P. 14150 Sevenoaks 14151 -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London 14152% 14153DEATH: 14154 To stop sinning suddenly. 14155 -- Elbert Hubbard 14156% 14157Death before dishonor. 14158But neither before breakfast. 14159% 14160Death comes on every passing breeze, 14161He lurks in every flower; 14162Each season has its own disease, 14163Its peril -- every hour. 14164 --Reginald Heber 14165% 14166Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats. 14167% 14168Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort 14169of like a shell leaving the nut behind. 14170 -- Erma Bombeck 14171% 14172Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. 14173% 14174Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. 14175 -- R. Geis 14176% 14177Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. 14178% 14179Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. 14180% 14181Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 14182% 14183Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!! 14184% 14185DEATH WISH: 14186 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to. 14187% 14188Debug is human, de-fix divine. 14189% 14190DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale. 14191 -- Mel Ferentz 14192% 14193Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year. 14194erra, n: A mistake. 14195faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance. 14196Linder, n: A female name. 14197memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again. 14198New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States. 14199New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States. 14200Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year. 14201Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year. 14202ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the 14203 season is when the Knicks quit playing. 14204 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 14205% 14206DECISIONMAKER: 14207 The person in your office who was unable 14208 to form a task force before the music stopped. 14209% 14210Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over- 14211whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may 14212not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, 14213or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants 14214(unless struck by a boomerang). 14215 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. 14216% 14217Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature. 14218 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall" 14219% 14220Decorate your home. It gives the illusion 14221that your life is more interesting than it really is. 14222 -- C. Schultz 14223% 14224"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of 14225marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", 14226quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can 14227claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed. 14228 -- Randy Davis 14229% 14230DEFAULT: 14231 The hardware's, of course. 14232% 14233Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. 14234 -- Bill Musselman 14235% 14236#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) 14237#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ 14238 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ 14239 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) 14240 14241-- Count the number of bits in a word. 14242% 14243Deflector shields just came on, Captain. 14244% 14245(defun NF (a c) 14246 (cond ((null c) () ) 14247 ((atom (car c)) 14248 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c)))) 14249 (nf a (cddr c)))) 14250 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c)))))) 14251 14252(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area) 14253 (cond 14254 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes)) 14255 (not (equal boston-area 'yes)) 14256 (lessp challenging 7)) () ) 14257 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr) 14258 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1) 14259 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1) 14260 (car 2 caadr 4))) 14261 (list '851-5071x2661))))) 14262;;; We are an affirmative action employer. 14263% 14264DEJA VU: 14265 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite. 14266 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced 14267 something actually being encountered for the first time. 14268 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced 14269 something actually being encountered for the first time. 14270% 14271Delay is preferable to error. 14272 -- Thomas Jefferson 14273% 14274Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly. 14275 -- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1 14276 14277Here is a letter, read it at your leisure. 14278 -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1 14279 14280 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 14281 referring to I/O system services.] 14282% 14283Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and 14284related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, 14285entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take 14286into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability 14287to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The 14288history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that 14289can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken 14290for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations 14291are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience. 14292 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD 14293 14294I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability 14295more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction 14296with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder 14297child. 14298 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman 14299% 14300DELIBERATION: 14301 The act of examining one's bread 14302 to determine which side it is buttered on. 14303% 14304Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. 14305% 14306Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever 14307skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious 14308to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an 14309overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic 14310apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless 14311as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a 14312steroid-free fitness center. 14313 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 14314% 14315Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about 14316her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad 14317nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth. 14318% 14319Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors. 14320 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 14321% 14322Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder 14323aloud what the country could do under first-class management. 14324 -- Senator Soaper 14325% 14326Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the 14327incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. 14328 -- G.B. Shaw 14329% 14330Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who 14331will get the blame. 14332 -- Laurence J. Peter 14333% 14334Democracy is also a form of worship. 14335It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. 14336 -- H.L. Mencken 14337% 14338Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them. 14339 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913 14340% 14341Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half 14342of the people are right more than half of the time. 14343 -- E.B. White 14344% 14345Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and 14346deserve to get it good and hard. 14347 -- H.L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916 14348% 14349Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other 14350forms that have been tried from time to time. 14351 -- Winston Churchill 14352% 14353Democracy, n: 14354 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting 14355or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude 14356toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward 14357law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based 14358upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without 14359restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license, 14360agitation, discontent, anarchy. 14361 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), 14362 since withdrawn. 14363% 14364Democracy, n: 14365 In which you say what you like and do what you're told. 14366 -- Gerald Barry 14367 14368The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a 14369Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship 14370you don't have to waste your time voting. 14371 -- Charles Bukowski 14372% 14373Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. 14374Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. 14375 14376Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. 14377The remainder is thrown out. 14378 14379Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes. 14380 14381Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. 14382Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage. 14383 14384Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car 14385windows by Democrats. 14386 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" 14387% 14388Dental health is next to mental health. 14389% 14390Dentist: 14391 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, 14392 pulls coins out of one's pockets. 14393 -- Ambrose Bierce 14394% 14395Denver, n: 14396 A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado. 14397% 14398Depart in pieces, i.e., split. 14399% 14400Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you. 14401% 14402Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties. 14403% 14404Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, 14405but remember, it didn't help the rabbit. 14406 -- R.E. Shay 14407% 14408Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face. 14409% 14410Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null - 14411und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt. 14412% 14413Design: 14414 What you regret not doing later on. 14415% 14416design, v: 14417 What you regret not doing later on. 14418% 14419Desist from enumerating your fowl 14420prior to their emergence from the shell. 14421% 14422Despite all appearances, your boss 14423is a thinking, feeling, human being. 14424% 14425Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will 14426be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over 14427the table. 14428 -- The Anarchist Cookbook 14429% 14430Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, 14431don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck. 14432 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows" 14433% 14434Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter. 14435% 14436DeVries' Dilemma: 14437 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, 14438 the one you don't want hits the paper. 14439% 14440Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of 14441fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch. 14442 -- L. Ron Hubbard 14443% 14444Dibble's First Law of Sociology: 14445 Some do, some don't. 14446% 14447Did it ever occur to you that fat chance 14448and slim chance mean the same thing? 14449 14450Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways? 14451% 14452Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control 14453has already been born? 14454 -- Benny Hill 14455% 14456Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think 14457that's how dogs spend their lives. 14458 -- Sue Murphy 14459% 14460Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed? 14461% 14462"Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?" 14463 -- Zippy the Pinhead 14464% 14465Did you hear about the model who sat 14466on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure? 14467% 14468Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and 14469Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently... 14470 14471Police suspect the work of a cereal killer! 14472% 14473Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship 14474the number zero? 14475 14476Is nothing sacred? 14477% 14478Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have 14479only recaptured 116 of them? 14480% 14481Did you know? 14482 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED, 14483 APPROXIMATELY 14484 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE 14485 KILLED 14486 14487 Come to the award-winning 1987 film, 14488 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams" 14489 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked. 14490 14491A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't. 14492 14493 SPONSORED BY 14494 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC) 14495 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility 14496 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL) 14497 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters 14498 14499Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!" 14500% 14501Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a 14502selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not 14503try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will 14504select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive 14505set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you 14506should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file. 14507% 14508Did you know that clones never use mirrors? 14509% 14510Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's? 14511 -- P.J. Plauger 14512% 14513Did you know the University of Iowa 14514closed down after someone stole the book? 14515% 14516Did you know.... 14517 14518That no-one ever reads these things? 14519% 14520Didja' ever have to make up your mind, 14521Pick up on one and leave the other behind, 14522It's not often easy, and it's not often kind, 14523Didja' ever have to make up your mind? 14524 -- Lovin' Spoonful 14525% 14526Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa? 14527% 14528"Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?" 14529 -- Zippy the Pinhead 14530% 14531Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore 14532would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him. 14533 -- John Barrymore's dying words 14534% 14535Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine. 14536 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989 14537% 14538Dieters live life in the fasting lane. 14539% 14540Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. 14541% 14542Digital circuits are made from analog parts. 14543 -- Don Vonada 14544% 14545Dignity is like a flag. 14546It flaps in a storm. 14547 -- Roy Mengot 14548% 14549Dime is money. 14550% 14551Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible 14552only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity, 14553for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 14554% 14555Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. 14556% 14557Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite): 14558 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce 14559 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast 14560 1 carton milk 14561% 14562Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees. 14563% 14564Diogenes, having abandoned his search for 14565truth, is now searching for a good fantasy. 14566% 14567Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone 14568asked him, after a few days. 14569 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." 14570% 14571Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. 14572Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon. 14573 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby 14574% 14575Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way. 14576% 14577Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way. 14578 -- Daniele Vare 14579% 14580Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock. 14581 -- Wynn Catlin 14582% 14583Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. 14584 -- Balfour 14585% 14586diplomacy, n: 14587 Lying in state. 14588% 14589Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics: 14590 14591 1: Get elected. 14592 2: Get re-elected. 14593 3: Don't get mad, get even. 14594 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen 14595% 14596disbar, n: 14597 As distinguished from some other bar. 14598% 14599Disc space -- the final frontier! 14600% 14601DISCLAIMER: 14602Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply 14603an endorsement of Western industrial civilization. 14604% 14605Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists. 14606% 14607Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 14608% 14609Disease can be cured; fate is incurable. 14610 -- Chinese proverb 14611% 14612Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead. 14613 -- Euripides 14614% 14615Disk crisis, please clean up! 14616% 14617Disks travel in packs. 14618% 14619Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics, 14620Benchmarks, and Delivery dates. 14621% 14622Distance doesn't make you any smaller, 14623but it does make you part of a larger picture. 14624% 14625DISTRESS: 14626 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. 14627% 14628Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight 14629acquaintance and without any visible reason. 14630 -- Lord Chesterfield 14631% 14632Ditat Deus. (God enriches.) 14633% 14634Divorce is a game played by lawyers. 14635 -- Cary Grant 14636% 14637Do clones have navels? 14638% 14639Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking. 14640 -- Amy Gorin 14641% 14642Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you. 14643% 14644Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? 14645% 14646Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more. 14647% 14648Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 14649% 14650Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. 14651% 14652Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. 14653 -- Aesop 14654% 14655Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome 14656your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in 14657a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding 14658cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any 14659of them ever committed suicide. 14660 -- Henry David Thoreau 14661% 14662Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. 14663Their tastes may not be the same. 14664 -- George Bernard Shaw 14665% 14666Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. 14667% 14668Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. 14669 -- Robert Heinlein 14670% 14671Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger. 14672% 14673Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, 14674for they become soggy and hard to light. 14675 14676Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, 14677for they are subtle and quick to anger. 14678% 14679Do not overtax your powers. 14680% 14681Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. 14682Violators will be prosecuted. 14683(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) 14684% 14685Do not seek death; death will find you. 14686But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment. 14687 -- Dag Hammarskjold 14688% 14689Do not simplify the design of a program if a way 14690can be found to make it complex and wonderful. 14691% 14692Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. 14693% 14694Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch. 14695% 14696Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive. 14697% 14698Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. 14699% 14700Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- 14701learn to dread each day as it comes. 14702 -- Donald Kaul 14703% 14704Do not underestimate the power of the Farce. 14705% 14706Do not underestimate the power of the Force. 14707% 14708Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native 14709word "lies". 14710 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck" 14711% 14712Do not use the blue keys on this terminal. 14713% 14714Do not worry about which side your 14715bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides. 14716% 14717Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate. 14718% 14719Do, or do not; there is no try. 14720% 14721Do people know you have freckles everywhere? 14722% 14723Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. 14724% 14725Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work? 14726% 14727Do unto others before they undo you. 14728% 14729Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. 14730% 14731Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. 14732 -- Aleister Crowley 14733% 14734Do what you can to prolong your life, 14735in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for. 14736% 14737Do you believe in intuition? 14738No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will. 14739% 14740Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage? 14741Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in? 14742Have you ever eaten an entire moose? 14743Can you see your neck? 14744Do joggers take laps around you for exercise? 14745If so, welcome to National Fat Week. 14746This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign, 14747 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person. 14748 -- Garfield 14749% 14750Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking? 14751% 14752Do YOU have redeeming social value? 14753% 14754Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa. 14755I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they 14756think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not 14757think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers 14758like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make 14759fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not 14760to think at all. 14761 -- T.H. White 14762% 14763Do you know Montana? 14764% 14765Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education 14766is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't. 14767 -- Pete Seeger 14768% 14769Do you mean that you not only want a wrong 14770answer, but a certain wrong answer? 14771 -- Tobaben 14772% 14773Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing 14774between Nixon and the White House. 14775 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960 14776% 14777Do you suffer painful elimination? 14778 -- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos" 14779 14780Do you suffer painful recrimination? 14781 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms" 14782 14783Do you suffer painful illumination? 14784 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics" 14785 14786Do you suffer painful hallucination? 14787 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda 14788% 14789Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 14790% 14791Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he 14792just whipped out a quarter? 14793 -- Stephen Wright 14794% 14795"Do you think there's a God?" 14796"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" 14797 -- Calvin and Hobbs 14798% 14799"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" 14800"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 14801"I've never done anything illegal before." 14802"I thought you said you were an accountant!" 14803% 14804Do you think your mother and I should have lived 14805comfortably so long together if ever we had been married? 14806% 14807Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home, 14808your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is 14809your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous? 14810Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident? 14811Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman. 14812 -- Ladies Home Journal, 1947 advertisement 14813% 14814Do your otters do the shimmy? 14815Do they like to shake their tails? 14816Do your wombats sleep in tophats? 14817Is your garden full of snails? 14818% 14819Do your part to help preserve life on 14820Earth -- by trying to preserve your own. 14821% 14822Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with 14823little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives. 14824 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. 14825% 14826Documentation: 14827 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English 14828 speaking persons. 14829% 14830Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must 14831be good because the programmers hate it so much. 14832% 14833Documentation is the castor oil of programming. 14834Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much. 14835% 14836Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted? 14837Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student? 14838Does a good father allow a single child to starve? 14839Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code? 14840 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 14841% 14842Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle? 14843% 14844Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 14845% 14846Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people 14847and the rest of us. 14848% 14849Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park. 14850% 14851Doing gets it done. 14852% 14853Domestic happiness and faithful friends. 14854% 14855Don 14856Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! 14857 Was she pretty? 14858W.C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of 14859 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have 14860 to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. 14861Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. 14862W.C.: It's almost impossible. 14863 -- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E. 14864 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" 14865% 14866Don't abandon hope. 14867Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 14868% 14869Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may 14870have got him. 14871% 14872Don't be concerned, it will not harm you, 14873It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of, 14874Across my dreams, with neptive wonder, 14875I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love. 14876% 14877Don't be humble, you're not that great. 14878 -- Golda Meir 14879% 14880Don't be humble, you're not that great. 14881 -- Golda Meir 14882% 14883Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't 14884be replaced, you cannot be promoted. 14885% 14886Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 14887% 14888Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted. 14889% 14890Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. 14891% 14892Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote 14893than I have to. 14894 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy. 14895% 14896Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. 14897% 14898Don't confuse things that need action 14899with those that take care of themselves. 14900% 14901Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! 14902% 14903Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers! 14904 -- Firesign Theatre 14905% 14906Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner. 14907% 14908Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day. 14909 -- Josh Billings 14910% 14911Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. 14912 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North 14913% 14914Don't do unto others as you would they should do unto you. 14915Their tastes may not be the same. 14916 -- G.B. Shaw 14917% 14918Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it. 14919% 14920Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail. 14921 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard 14922% 14923Don't eat yellow snow. 14924% 14925Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back. 14926% 14927Don't everyone thank me at once! 14928 -- Han Solo 14929% 14930Don't expect people to keep in step-- 14931it's hard enough just staying in line. 14932% 14933Don't feed the bats tonight. 14934% 14935Don't force it, get a larger hammer. 14936 -- Anthony 14937% 14938Don't get even, get odd. 14939% 14940Don't get mad, get even. 14941 -- Joseph P. Kennedy 14942 14943Don't get even, get jewelry. 14944 -- Anonymous 14945% 14946Don't get mad, get interest. 14947% 14948Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. 14949% 14950Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they 14951can be terribly misleading. Debug only code. 14952 -- Dave Storer 14953% 14954Don't get to bragging. 14955% 14956Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. 14957The world owes you nothing. It was here first. 14958 -- Mark Twain 14959% 14960Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. 14961% 14962Don't go to bed with no price on your head. 14963 -- Baretta 14964% 14965Don't guess - check your security regulations. 14966% 14967Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. 14968% 14969Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them. 14970% 14971Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. 14972% 14973Don't I know you? 14974% 14975Don't interfere with the stranger's style. 14976% 14977Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it. 14978 -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs 14979% 14980Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever. 14981% 14982Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. 14983% 14984Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. 14985% 14986Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom. 14987Probably soon after she throws me out. 14988% 14989Don't let go of what you've got hold of, 14990until you have hold of something else. 14991 -- First Rule of Wing Walking 14992% 14993Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do; 14994don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you; 14995don't let nobody tell you what you got to do, 14996or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow... 14997remember, if you don't follow your dreams, 14998you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow... 14999 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow" 15000% 15001Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. 15002% 15003Don't let your status become too quo! 15004% 15005Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. 15006% 15007Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you. 15008% 15009Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. 15010% 15011Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder. 15012% 15013Don't lose 15014Your head 15015To gain a minute 15016You need your head 15017Your brains are in it. 15018 -- Burma Shave 15019% 15020Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything. 15021% 15022Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. 15023 -- Scottish Proverb 15024% 15025Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that. 15026% 15027Don't plan any hasty moves. 15028You'll be evicted soon anyway. 15029% 15030Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because 15031if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow. 15032% 15033Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted. 15034 -- Miguel de Cervantes 15035% 15036Don't quit now, we might just as well 15037lock the door and throw away the key. 15038% 15039Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks. 15040% 15041Don't read everything you believe. 15042% 15043Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together. 15044% 15045Don't remember what you can infer. 15046 -- Harry Tennant 15047% 15048Don't say "yes" until I finish talking. 15049 -- Darryl F. Zanuck 15050% 15051Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side. 15052% 15053Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors. 15054 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" 15055% 15056Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat. 15057% 15058Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him. 15059% 15060Don't steal... the IRS hates competition! 15061% 15062Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding. 15063% 15064Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros. 15065 -- P. Skelly 15066% 15067Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card. 15068 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft 15069% 15070Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive. 15071% 15072Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, 15073sodomy and the lash. 15074 -- Winston Churchill 15075% 15076Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. 15077% 15078Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. 15079 -- James J. Ling 15080% 15081Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. 15082I know better. The things I worry about don't happen. 15083 -- Watchman Examiner 15084% 15085Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud. 15086% 15087Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it. 15088 -- Lazarus Long 15089% 15090Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free 15091with my breakfast cereal. 15092 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox 15093% 15094Don't vote - it only encourages them! 15095% 15096Don't wake me up too soon... 15097Gonna take a ride across the moon... 15098You and me. 15099% 15100Don't worry. Life's too long. 15101 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr. 15102% 15103Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid. 15104% 15105Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas 15106are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. 15107 -- Howard Aiken 15108% 15109Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. 15110It's already tomorrow in Australia. 15111 -- Charles Schultz 15112% 15113Don't Worry, Be Happy. 15114 -- Meher Baba 15115% 15116Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, 15117you can always take something for it. 15118% 15119Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. 15120They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. 15121% 15122Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think. 15123% 15124Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? 15125% 15126"Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?" 15127"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 15128"Well, I've never done anything illegal before." 15129"... I thought you said you were an accountant." 15130% 15131Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely 15132want to help you could agree with each other? 15133% 15134Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition? 15135% 15136Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get 15137you through times of no dope. 15138 -- Gilbert Shelton 15139% 15140Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain? 15141Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people 15142 without brains do an awful lot of talking. 15143 -- The Wizard of Oz 15144% 15145Double! 15146% 15147Double Bucky, you're the one, 15148You make my keyboard so much fun, 15149Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o) 15150Control and meta, side by side, 15151Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide! 15152Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! 15153 15154Oh, I sure wish that I, 15155Had a couple of bits more! 15156Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. 15157 15158Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right 15159OR'd together, outta sight! 15160Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of, 15161Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of, 15162Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! 15163 -- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit 15164 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use 15165 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"] 15166% 15167double-blind Experiment, n: 15168 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is 15169fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied 15170by a strong belief in the tooth fairy. 15171% 15172Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one. 15173 -- Voltaire 15174% 15175Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. 15176 -- Voltaire 15177% 15178Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. 15179 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian. 15180% 15181Down to the Banana Republics, 15182Down to the tropical sun. 15183Go the expatriated Americans, 15184Hoping to find some fun. 15185Some of them go for the sailing, 15186Caught by the lure of the sea. 15187Trying to find what is ailing, 15188Living in the land of the free. 15189Some of them are running from lovers, 15190Leaving no forward address. 15191Some of them are running tons of ganja, 15192Some are running from the IRS. 15193Late at night you will find them, 15194In the cheap hotels and bars. 15195Hustling the senoritas, 15196While they dance beneath the stars. 15197 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics" 15198% 15199Down with the categorical imperative! 15200% 15201Dow's Law: 15202 In a hierarchical organization, 15203 the higher the level, the greater the confusion. 15204% 15205Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed 15206by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy 15207of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that 15208time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to 15209kill him. 15210 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac" 15211% 15212Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet 15213 15214The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve 15215that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's 15216Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added 15217luxury that you never feel hungry. 15218 15219Here's how the diet works: 15220 15221 FOODS ALLOWED 15222First Month: One egg 15223Second Month: A raisin 15224Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. 15225 15226If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try 15227lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you. 15228% 15229Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde. 15230% 15231Dr. Livingston? 15232Dr. Livingston I. Presume? 15233% 15234Draft beer, not people. 15235% 15236Drakenberg's Discovery: 15237 If you can't seem to find your glasses, 15238 it's probably because you don't have them on. 15239% 15240Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 15241% 15242Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations. 15243% 15244Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. 15245% 15246Drew's Law of Highway Biology: 15247 The first bug to hit a clean windshield 15248 lands directly in front of your eyes. 15249% 15250Drilling for oil is boring. 15251% 15252Drink and dance and laugh and lie 15253Love, the reeling midnight through 15254For tomorrow we shall die! 15255(But, alas, we never do.) 15256 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism" 15257% 15258Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying. 15259% 15260Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for 15261instant motor skills. 15262 -- Marc Price 15263% 15264Drinking is not a spectator sport. 15265 -- Jim Brosnan 15266% 15267Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin 15268with, that it's compounding a felony. 15269 -- Robert Benchley 15270% 15271Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam: 15272that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals. 15273 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro" 15274% 15275Drive defensively, buy a tank. 15276% 15277Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to 15278avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever 15279jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the 15280brush after them. 15281% 15282Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out 15283of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever 15284seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a 15285priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. 15286"Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your 15287life!" 15288% 15289Drop that pickle! 15290% 15291DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!! 15292 -- The Adventurer 15293% 15294Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past. 15295 -- The Adventurer 15296% 15297drug, n: 15298 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific 15299 paper. 15300% 15301Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! 15302% 15303Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a 15304lot a poker. 15305 -- Karyl Roosevelt 15306% 15307Ducharme's Precept: 15308 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. 15309 15310Ducharme's Axiom: 15311 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize 15312 yourself as part of the problem. 15313% 15314Duckies are fun! 15315% 15316Ducks? What ducks?? 15317% 15318Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, 15319and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 15320 -- Carl Zwanzig 15321% 15322Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the 15323production of great leaders has been discontinued. 15324% 15325Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your 15326fate and captain of your soul. 15327% 15328Due to circumstances beyond your control, 15329you are master of your fate and captain of your soul. 15330% 15331Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence. 15332% 15333During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has 15334been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, 15335pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; 15336in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution. 15337 -- James Madison 15338% 15339During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down 15340several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~ 15341{o[po ~poodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o 15342% 15343During the Reagan-Mondale debates: 15344 15345Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to 15346 perform as president?" 15347Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and 15348 inexperience." 15349% 15350During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a 15351fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships; 15352and fly your colors proudly. 15353% 15354Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! 15355Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it! 15356 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks" 15357% 15358Duty, n: 15359 What one expects from others. 15360 -- Oscar Wilde 15361% 15362Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have 15363nothing whatever to do with it. 15364 -- W. Somerset Maughm, his last words 15365% 15366Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult. 15367 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed. 15368% 15369Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. 15370 -- Woody Allen 15371% 15372E = MC ** 2 +- 3db 15373% 15374E Pluribus UNIX. 15375% 15376Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life. 15377% 15378Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs. 15379 -- Kernighan 15380% 15381Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of 15382Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe, 15383worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and 15384imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic 15385typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in 15386the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central 15387corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices. 15388Infalliable doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs 15389in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the 15390offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds 15391a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer, 15392then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother 15393company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological 15394competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's 15395orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself. 15396 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 15397% 15398Each of us bears his own Hell. 15399 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 15400% 15401Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs 15402in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a 15403university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two 154043 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record. 15405% 15406Each person has the right to take the subway. 15407% 15408EARL GREY PROFILES 15409 15410NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard 15411OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese 15412AGE: 94 15413BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector 15414EYES: Grey 15415SKIN: Tanned 15416HAIR: Not much 15417LAST MAGAZINE READ: 15418 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly 15419TEA: Earl Grey. Hot. 15420 15421EARL GREY NEVER VARIES. 15422% 15423Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management 15424science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about 1542521st century aircraft: 15426 15427 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will 15428 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the 15429 pilot if he touches anything. 15430 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988 15431% 15432Early to bed and early to rise and you'll 15433be groggy when everyone else is wide awake. 15434% 15435Early to rise and early to bed makes 15436a man healthy and wealthy and dead. 15437 -- James Thurber 15438% 15439Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends. 15440% 15441Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven. 15442% 15443/earth: file system full. 15444% 15445/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. 15446% 15447Earth is a great funhouse without the fun. 15448 -- Jeff Berner 15449% 15450Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. 15451 15452Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of 15453side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath 15454-- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. 15455% 15456Easy come and easy go, 15457 some call me easy money, 15458Sometimes life is full of laughs, 15459 and sometimes it ain't funny 15460You may think that I'm a fool 15461 and sometimes that is true, 15462But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire, 15463 with or without you. 15464 -- Hoyt Axton 15465% 15466Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it. 15467 -- Harry Secombe's diet 15468% 15469Eat drink and be merry! Tommorrow you may be in Utah. 15470% 15471Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet. 15472% 15473Eat one live frog the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will 15474happen to either of you for the rest of the day. 15475% 15476Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse 15477will happen to you the rest of the day. 15478 15479[Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.] 15480% 15481Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway. 15482% 15483Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy. 15484% 15485Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation. 15486% 15487Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. 15488 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 15489% 15490economics, n.: 15491 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith. 15492 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 15493% 15494Economies of scale: 15495 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want 15496 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one 15497 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith 15498 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected 15499 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all 15500 those limitations. 15501% 15502economist, n: 15503 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough 15504 personality to become an accountant. 15505% 15506Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would 15507turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't. 15508 -- Robert Orben 15509% 15510Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a 15511percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. 15512 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 15513% 15514Editing is a rewording activity. 15515% 15516Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and 15517demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want. 15518 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897 15519% 15520Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to 15521time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. 15522 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist" 15523% 15524Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. 15525 -- Daniel J. Boorstin 15526% 15527Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. 15528 -- Irwin Edman 15529% 15530Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten. 15531 -- B.F. Skinner 15532% 15533Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead 15534to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters 15535of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with 15536royal-blue chickens. 15537 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 15538% 15539Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, 15540The spirits are about to speak... 15541% 15542Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. 15543 -- Adlai Stevenson 15544% 15545Ego sum ens omnipotens 15546% 15547Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature 15548to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. 15549 -- Bellamy Brooks 15550% 15551Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity. 15552% 15553Egotism, n: 15554 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. 15555 15556Egotist, n: 15557 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. 15558 -- Ambrose Bierce 15559% 15560egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0 15561% 15562Ehrman's Commentary: 15563 1. Things will get worse before they get better. 15564 2. Who said things would get better? 15565% 15566Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. 15567 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star 15568% 15569...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his 15570original joy his falling in love with Ada. 15571 -- Nabokov 15572% 15573Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because 15574God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software 15575engineer. 15576 -- Fred Brooks 15577% 15578Eisenhower was very nice, 15579Nixon was his only vice. 15580 -- C. Degen 15581% 15582Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. 15583 -- Groucho Marx' last words 15584% 15585ELBONICS: 15586 The actions of two people maneuvering for one 15587 armrest in a movie theatre. 15588 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 15589% 15590Eleanor Rigby 15591Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen 15592Lives in a dream 15593Waits for a signal, finding some code that will 15594 make the machine do some more. 15595What is it for? 15596 15597All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 15598All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 15599 15600Hacker MacKensie 15601Writing the code for a program that no one will run 15602It's nearly done 15603Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's 15604 nobody there. 15605What does he care? 15606 15607All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 15608All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 15609Ah, look at all the lonely users. 15610Ah, look at all the lonely users. 15611% 15612ELECTRIC JELL-O 15613 156142 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin 156152 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water 156161/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol 15617 15618Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til 15619 fully dissolved. 15620Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.) 15621Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing 15622 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.) 15623Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol. 15624Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for 15625 the faint of heart. 15626Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.) 15627Cut into squares and enjoy! 15628 15629WARNING: 15630 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for 15631 children under eight years of age. 15632% 15633Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. 15634% 15635Electrocution, n: 15636 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. 15637% 15638Elegance and truth are inversely related. 15639 -- Becker's Razor 15640% 15641Elephant, n: 15642 A mouse built to government specifications. 15643% 15644Elevators smell different to midgets. 15645% 15646Eleventh Law of Acoustics: 15647 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between 15648 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they 15649 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with 15650 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct 15651 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can 15652 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, 15653 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. 15654% 15655Eli and Bessie went to sleep. 15656In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli. 15657 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!" 15658Half asleep, Eli murmured, 15659 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?" 15660% 15661Elliptic paraboloids for sale. 15662% 15663Elliptical, n: 15664 The feel of a kiss. 15665% 15666Eloquence is logic on fire. 15667% 15668Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am? 15669Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western. 15670% 15671Emacs, n: 15672 A slow-moving parody of a text editor. 15673% 15674Emersons' Law of Contrariness: 15675 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do 15676 what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them 15677 for it. 15678% 15679Encyclopedia for sale by father. 15680Son knows everything. 15681% 15682Encyclopedia Salesmen: 15683 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police 15684 and tell them your house is being burgled. 15685 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 15686% 15687Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless. 15688Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop. 15689 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 15690% 15691Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning 15692Endless the quest; 15693I turn again, back to my own beginning, 15694And here, find rest. 15695% 15696Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of 15697property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline 15698of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed. 15699 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine" 15700% 15701Engineering: "How will this work?" 15702Science: "Why will this work?" 15703Management: "When will this work?" 15704Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?" 15705% 15706English literature's performing flea. 15707 -- Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse 15708% 15709Engram, n: 15710 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram." 157112. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer 15712in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature 15713of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists, 15714psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson 15715and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved 15716conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of 15717thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory 15718was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only 15719ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that 15720time.] 15721 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary, 15722 3rd edition, 2007 A.D. 15723% 15724enhance, v: 15725 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment. 15726% 15727Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May. 15728% 15729Enjoy yourself while you're still old. 15730% 15731Entreprenuer, n: 15732 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather 15733 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success. 15734% 15735Entropy isn't what it used to be. 15736% 15737Entropy requires no maintenance. 15738 -- Markoff Chaney 15739% 15740Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors. 15741 -- Onasander 15742% 15743Envy, n: 15744 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage, 15745 instead of having to try and acquire one. 15746% 15747Enzymes are things invented by biologists 15748that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. 15749 -- Jerome Lettvin 15750% 15751Equal bytes for women. 15752% 15753Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me. 15754 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader 15755% 15756Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. 15757 "Ever since they threatened to fire me." 15758% 15759Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 15760 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 15761Und aller-mumsige Burggoven 15762 Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. 15763% 15764Eschew obfuscation. 15765% 15766Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology. 15767 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360 15768% 15769E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.) 15770% 15771Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. 15772 -- Woody Allen 15773% 15774Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end? 15775 -- Tom Stoppard 15776% 15777Etiquette is for those with no breeding; 15778fashion for those with no taste. 15779% 15780Etymology, n: 15781 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that 15782 were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was 15783 formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), 15784 and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are 15785 hard to swallow." 15786 -- Mike Kellen 15787% 15788Euch ist becannt, was wir beduerfen; 15789Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen. 15790 -- Goethe, "Faust" 15791% 15792Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of 15793the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to 15794Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation 15795Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain, 15796Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman 15797Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to 15798make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return 15799them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be 15800a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing 15801the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that 15802they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed 15803over roulette. 15804 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie" 15805% 15806Eureka! 15807 -- Archimedes 15808% 15809Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns. 15810% 15811Even a cabbage may look at a king. 15812% 15813Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. 15814% 15815Even a man who is pure at heart, 15816And says his prayers at night 15817Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, 15818And the moon is full and bright. 15819 -- The Wolf Man, 1941 15820% 15821Even God cannot change the past. 15822 -- Joseph Stalin 15823% 15824Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. 15825 -- Menander 15826% 15827Even if you do learn to speak correct 15828English, whom are you going to speak it to? 15829 -- Clarence Darrow 15830% 15831Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me. 15832 -- Aristophanes 15833% 15834Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. 15835 -- Will Rogers 15836% 15837Even in the moment of our earliest kiss, 15838When sighed the straitened bud into the flower, 15839Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this; 15840And that I knew, though not the day and hour. 15841Too season-wise am I, being country-bred, 15842To tilt at autumn or defy the frost: 15843Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did, 15844I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost." 15845I only hoped, with the mild hope of all 15846Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree, 15847A fairer summer and a later fall 15848Than in these parts a man is apt to see, 15849And sunny clusters ripened for the wine: 15850I tell you this across the blackened vine. 15851 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of 15852 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931 15853% 15854Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess. 15855% 15856Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling 15857just a bit unchivalrous... 15858 -- Robert Benchley 15859% 15860Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. 15861 -- Kehlog Albran 15862% 15863Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. 15864 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 15865% 15866Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United 15867States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day. 15868% 15869Events are not affected, they develop. 15870 -- Sri Aurobindo 15871% 15872Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book? 15873% 15874Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's 15875bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes? 15876% 15877Ever get the feeling that the world's 15878on tape and one of the reels is missing? 15879 -- Rich Little 15880% 15881Ever notice that even the busiest people are 15882never too busy to tell you just how busy they are? 15883% 15884Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"? 15885Simple coincidence? 15886Maybe... 15887% 15888Ever Onward! Ever Onward! 15889That's the sprit that has brought us fame. 15890We're big but bigger we will be, 15891We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity 15892Has been our aim. 15893Our products now are known in every zone. 15894Our reputation sparkles like a gem. 15895We've fought our way thru 15896And new fields we're sure to conquer, too 15897For the Ever Onward IBM! 15898 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 15899% 15900Ever Onward! Ever Onward! 15901We're bound for the top to never fall, 15902Right here and now we thankfully 15903Pledge sincerest loyalty 15904To the corporation that's the best of all 15905Our leaders we revere and while we're here, 15906Let's show the world just what we think of them! 15907So let us sing men -- Sing men 15908Once or twice, then sing again 15909For the Ever Onward IBM! 15910 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 15911% 15912Ever since I was a young boy, 15913I've hacked the ARPA net, 15914From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal, 15915Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo, 15916But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in, 15917On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root, 15918That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's, 15919Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint, 15920 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, 15921 Sure sends a mean packet. 15922He's a UNIX wizard, 15923There has to be a twist. 15924The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions, 15925Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells, 15926How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing, 15927I don't know. Types by sense of smell, 15928What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs, 15929 The proper bit flags set, 15930 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, 15931 Sure sends a mean packet. 15932 -- UNIX Wizard 15933% 15934Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper? 15935% 15936Ever wonder why fire engines are red? 15937 15938Because newspapers are read too. 15939Two and Two is four. 15940Four and four is eight. 15941Eight and four is twelve. 15942There are twelve inches in a ruler. 15943Queen Mary was a ruler. 15944Queen Mary was a ship. 15945Ships sail the sea. 15946There are fishes in the sea. 15947Fishes have fins. 15948The Fins fought the Russians. 15949Russians are red. 15950Fire engines are always rush'n. 15951Therefore fire engines are red. 15952% 15953Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer 15954technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation. 15955The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in 15956computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long 15957Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis- 15958trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard 15959one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the 15960"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly; 15961there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed 15962computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using 15963ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when 15964anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper 15965said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred 15966them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons 15967Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in 15968question." 15969 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in 15970 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.] 15971% 15972Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain 15973the last but one. 15974 -- Adolph Hitler 15975% 15976Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. 15977Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. 15978% 15979Every cloud engenders not a storm. 15980 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 15981% 15982Every cloud has a silver lining; 15983you should have sold it, and bought titanium. 15984% 15985Every country has the government it deserves. 15986 -- Joseph De Maistre 15987% 15988Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. 15989% 15990Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different. 15991% 15992Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. 15993 -- Lenny Bruce 15994% 15995Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats. 15996% 15997Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired 15998signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not 15999fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not 16000spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the 16001genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not 16002a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it 16003is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. 16004 -- Dwight Eisenhower, 1953 16005% 16006Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. 16007 -- Don Vonada 16008% 16009Every love's the love before 16010In a duller dress. 16011 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary" 16012% 16013Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended, 16014or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar. 16015Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk 16016only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other 16017subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his 16018own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured 16019by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to 16020philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted, 16021but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find 16022in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass. 16023 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 16024% 16025Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. 16026 -- Miguel de Cervantes 16027% 16028Every man takes the limits of his own field 16029of vision for the limits of the world. 16030 -- Schopenhauer 16031% 16032Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich 16033and powerful know that he is. 16034 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark" 16035% 16036Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect 16037that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers 16038and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the 16039essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural 16040inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued 16041forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters. 16042 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William 16043% 16044Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done 16045it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that. 16046 -- Barrie 16047% 16048Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster 16049than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up. 16050It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. 16051It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes 16052up, you'd better be running. 16053% 16054Every morning is a Smirnoff morning. 16055% 16056Every night my prayers I say, 16057 And get my dinner every day; 16058And every day that I've been good, 16059 I get an orange after food. 16060The child that is not clean and neat, 16061 With lots of toys and things to eat, 16062He is a naughty child, I'm sure-- 16063 Or else his dear papa is poor. 16064 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 16065% 16066Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so! 16067But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and 16068when they aren't. 16069 16070 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying. 16071 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying. 16072 When a politician scratches his colar bone, he isn't lying. 16073 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying! 16074% 16075Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by 16076the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he 16077sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted. 16078 -- Morris Kline 16079% 16080Every path has its puddle. 16081% 16082Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have 16083drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. 16084 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 16085% 16086Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one 16087instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program 16088can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. 16089% 16090Every program has (at least) two purposes: 16091 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. 16092% 16093Every silver lining has a cloud around it. 16094% 16095Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was 16096eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is 16097bend a disk. 16098 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, 16099 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support 16100 of their movement. 16101% 16102Every successful person has had failures 16103but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success. 16104% 16105Every suicide is a solution to a problem. 16106 -- Jean Baechler 16107% 16108Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory. 16109% 16110Every time I lose weight, it finds me again! 16111% 16112Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. 16113% 16114Every time you manage to close the door on 16115Reality, it comes in through the window. 16116% 16117Every why hath a wherefore. 16118 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors" 16119% 16120Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. 16121 -- Beckett 16122% 16123Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is 16124the best one. 16125 -- Jack Hurley 16126% 16127Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that 16128called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all 16129the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed; 16130otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded 16131and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off. 16132Finally the company president called Sam into his office. 16133 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's 16134a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign, 16135you're fired. As of right now." 16136 Sam signed the papers immediately. 16137 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you 16138couldn't have signed earlier?" 16139 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so 16140clearly before." 16141% 16142Everybody has something to conceal. 16143 -- Humphrey Bogart 16144% 16145Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and 16146if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me. 16147% 16148Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 16149 -- Dykstra 16150% 16151Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their 16152fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the 16153good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay 16154poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows. 16155 16156Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain 16157lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog 16158just died. 16159 16160Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates 16161and long stem rose. Everybody knows. 16162 16163Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really 16164do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or 16165two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people 16166you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows. 16167 16168And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you. 16169And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two. 16170Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton 16171for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows. 16172 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows" 16173% 16174Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. 16175 -- Arthur Miller 16176% 16177Everybody needs a little love sometime; 16178stop hacking and fall in love! 16179% 16180Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 16181% 16182Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had 16183to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers. 16184% 16185Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement. 16186% 16187Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. 16188% 16189Everyone is entitled to my opinion. 16190% 16191Everyone is in the best seat. 16192 -- John Cage 16193% 16194Everyone is more or less mad on one point. 16195 -- Rudyard Kipling 16196% 16197Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic 16198formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the 16199scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact 16200wholly unconcerned with what DOES exist. Indeed, the banality of 16201existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us 16202to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking 16203the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: 16204the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were 16205all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely 16206different way... 16207% 16208Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes 16209to get them. 16210 -- Dirty Harry 16211% 16212Everyone was born right-handed. 16213Only the greatest overcome it. 16214% 16215Everyone who comes in here wants three things: 16216 1. They want it quick. 16217 2. They want it good. 16218 3. They want it cheap. 16219I tell 'em to pick two and call me back. 16220 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company 16221% 16222Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees. 16223% 16224Everything bows to success, even grammar. 16225% 16226Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous". 16227% 16228Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end. 16229% 16230Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. 16231 -- Alexander Woollcott 16232% 16233Everything in this book may be wrong. 16234 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 16235% 16236Everything is controlled by a small evil group 16237to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. 16238% 16239Everything is possible. Pass the word. 16240 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One" 16241% 16242Everything might be different in the present 16243if only one thing had been different in the past. 16244% 16245Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. 16246% 16247Everything should be built top-down, except this time. 16248% 16249Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. 16250 -- Albert Einstein 16251% 16252Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful. 16253 -- Erwin Tomash 16254% 16255Everything that can be invented has been invented. 16256 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899 16257% 16258Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. 16259% 16260Everything will be just tickety-boo today. 16261% 16262Everything you know is wrong! 16263% 16264Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that 16265rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. 16266 -- Erwin Knoll 16267% 16268Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 16269obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 16270solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. 16271There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 16272straight lines. 16273 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 16274% 16275Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 16276obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 16277solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There 16278are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 16279straight lines. 16280 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 16281% 16282Everything's great in this good old world; 16283(This is the stuff they can always use.) 16284God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled; 16285(This will provide for baby's shoes.) 16286Hunger and War do not mean a thing; 16287Everything's rosy where'er we roam; 16288Hark, how the little birds gaily sing! 16289(This is what fetches the bacon home.) 16290 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse" 16291% 16292Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My 16293opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller 16294that could have been prevented by a good teacher. 16295 -- Flannery O'Connor 16296% 16297Everywhere you go you'll see them searching, 16298Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain, 16299Everyone is looking for the answer, 16300Well look again. 16301 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World" 16302% 16303Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil 16304of others, but it is seldom a mistake. 16305 -- H.L. Mencken 16306% 16307Evolution is a million line computer 16308program falling into place by accident. 16309% 16310Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around 16311the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when 16312evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can 16313doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present 16314life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is 16315as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with 16316respect to theories about how the process operates. 16317 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life". 16318% 16319Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for 16320even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer. 16321 -- C.C. Colton 16322% 16323Example is not the main thing in influencing others. 16324It is the only thing. 16325 -- Albert Schweitzer 16326% 16327Excellent day for drinking heavily. 16328Spike the office water cooler. 16329% 16330Excellent day to have a rotten day. 16331% 16332Excellent time to become a missing person. 16333% 16334Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. 16335 -- Miller 16336% 16337Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a 16338customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab: 16339 16340Support: "You're not our only customer, you know." 16341Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons." 16342% 16343Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from 16344acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 16345 -- W. Somerset Maugham 16346% 16347Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents 16348moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 16349 -- W. Somerset Maugham 16350% 16351Excessive login messages is a sure sign of senility. 16352% 16353Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last. 16354 -- Marcus Aurelius 16355% 16356Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. 16357% 16358Exercise caution in your daily affairs. 16359% 16360Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, 16361and just before you realize what is wrong with it. 16362% 16363Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay. 16364% 16365Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. 16366% 16367Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. 16368% 16369Expedience is the best teacher. 16370% 16371Expense accounts, n: 16372 Corporate food stamps. 16373% 16374Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. 16375 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions" 16376% 16377Experience is not what happens to you; 16378it is what you do with what happens to you. 16379 -- Aldous Huxley 16380% 16381Experience is that marvelous thing that enables 16382you recognize a mistake when you make it again. 16383 -- Franklin Jones 16384% 16385Experience is the worst teacher. It always 16386gives the test first and the instruction afterward. 16387% 16388Experience is what causes a person 16389to make new mistakes instead of old ones. 16390% 16391Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. 16392% 16393Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. 16394% 16395Experience, n: 16396 Something you don't get until just after you need it. 16397 -- Olivier 16398% 16399Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, 16400particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something. 16401 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing" 16402% 16403Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 16404% 16405Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way. 16406% 16407External Security: 16408% 16409Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples 16410of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, 16411but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings 16412that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have 16413argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic conciousness," 16414and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of 16415neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid 16416handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena 16417than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves 16418offer more plausible alternatives. 16419 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Conciousness: 16420 Implications for Psi Phenomena". 16421% 16422Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly. 16423 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece" 16424% 16425Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit 16426of justice is no virtue. 16427 -- Barry Goldwater 16428% 16429f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. 16430% 16431f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. 16432% 16433F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! 16434% 16435f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr. 16436% 16437FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000; 16438% 16439Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting. 16440% 16441Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles. 16442 -- Sven Italla 16443% 16444Facts are the enemy of truth. 16445 -- Don Quixote 16446% 16447Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. 16448 -- Aldous Huxley 16449% 16450Failed Attempts To Break Records 16451 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break 16452the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised 16453he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and 16454doesn't even shout at me." 16455 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the 16456record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours. 16457 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended 16458after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace. 16459"People complained I was too noisy," he said. 16460 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across 16461the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my 16462drone got waterlogged," he said. 16463 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000 16464dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes 16465had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off. 16466 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 16467% 16468Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital. 16469% 16470Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. 16471 -- Sir Walter Raleigh 16472% 16473Fairy tale: 16474 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. 16475% 16476Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. 16477% 16478Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam 16479on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. 16480% 16481Faith is under the left nipple. 16482 -- Martin Luther 16483% 16484Faith, n: 16485 That quality which enables us to 16486 believe what we know to be untrue. 16487% 16488Fakir, n: 16489 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost 16490 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources 16491 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. 16492% 16493Falling in Love 16494 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in 16495love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes 16496light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air, 16497and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately, 16498these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a 16499good idea to check with your doctor. 16500 -- Dave Barry 16501% 16502Falling in love is a lot like dying. 16503You never get to do it enough to become good at it. 16504% 16505Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in 16506restraint. 16507 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus". 16508% 16509Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; 16510the only earthly certainty is oblivion. 16511 -- Mark Twain 16512% 16513Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an 16514autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door. 16515 -- Marlo Thomas 16516% 16517Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever. 16518% 16519Familiarity breeds attempt. 16520% 16521Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. 16522 -- Mark Twain 16523% 16524Families, when a child is born 16525Want it to be intelligent. 16526I, through intelligence, 16527Having wrecked my whole life, 16528Only hope the baby will prove 16529Ignorant and stupid. 16530Then he will crown a tranquil life 16531By becoming a Cabinet Minister 16532 -- Su Tung-p'o 16533% 16534Famous last words: 16535% 16536Famous last words: 16537 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 16538 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 16539 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog... 16540 4: We won't need reservations. 16541 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year. 16542 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded. 16543 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. 16544 8: Don't worry! Women love it! 16545% 16546Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have 16547forgotten your aim. 16548 -- George Santayana 16549% 16550"Fantasies are free." 16551"NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!" 16552% 16553Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the 16554former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free. 16555 16556Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and 16557reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits 16558were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women 16559and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures 16560from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty 16561deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus 16562was the Empire forged. 16563 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 16564% 16565Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. 16566% 16567Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western 16568Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this 16569at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly 16570insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are 16571so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty 16572neat idea. 16573 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy" 16574% 16575Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more 16576stressful than divorce. 16577 -- Wall Street Journal 16578% 16579Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter 16580it every six months. 16581 -- Oscar Wilde 16582% 16583Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. 16584 -- Victor Hugo 16585% 16586Fast, cheap, good: pick two. 16587% 16588Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? 16589 -- Han Solo 16590% 16591Faster, faster, you fool, you fool! 16592 -- Bill Cosby 16593% 16594Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind. 16595% 16596Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose! 16597% 16598Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex. 16599Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know? 16600% 16601Fats Loves Madelyn. 16602% 16603Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity. 16604Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified. 16605 -- Joe Orton, "Loot" 16606% 16607FEAR: 16608 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates. 16609% 16610Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing. 16611 -- H.S. Thompson 16612% 16613Fear is the greatest salesman. 16614 -- Robert Klein 16615% 16616feature, n: 16617 A surprising property of a program. Occasionaly documented. To 16618 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not 16619 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though 16620 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's 16621 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it. 16622% 16623Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation 16624potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally 16625disadvantaged. 16626% 16627Feel disillusioned? 16628I've got some great new illusions, right here! 16629% 16630Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no, 16631it's Microsoft!" 16632% 16633Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature, 16634An endothermic quadroped, carniverous by nature. 16635Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses 16636Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses. 16637I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations, 16638A singular development of cat communications 16639That obviates your basic hedonistic predelection 16640For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection. 16641A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents: 16642You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance; 16643And when not being utilitized to aid in locomotion, 16644It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion. 16645Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display 16646Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array. 16647And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend, 16648I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend. 16649 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot" 16650% 16651Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring 16652you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter 16653to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or 16654other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the 16655list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add 16656yours to the bottom of the list. 16657 16658Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San 16659Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find 16660his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent 16661out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to 16662build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at 16663this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in 16664her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's. 16665 16666Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today! 16667% 16668Female rabbits: 16669 The gift that just "keeps on giving." 16670% 16671FENDERBERG: 16672 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides 16673 of car fenders during snowstorms. 16674 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 16675% 16676Ferguson's Precept: 16677 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing." 16678% 16679Fertility is hereditary. If your parents 16680didn't have any children, neither will you. 16681% 16682Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about 16683 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy. 16684Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the 16685 basic difference between robots and humans? 16686Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs? 16687Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them. 16688 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself" 16689% 16690Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. 16691 -- Mark Twain 16692% 16693Fidelity, n: 16694 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. 16695% 16696Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, 16697Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! 16698Drink and the devil had done for the rest, 16699Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! 16700 -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island" 16701% 16702Fifth Law of Applied Terror: 16703 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 16704Corollary: 16705 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. 16706% 16707File cabinet: 16708 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor. 16709% 16710filibuster, n: 16711 Throwing your wait around. 16712% 16713Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches. 16714 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 16715% 16716Finagle's Creed: 16717 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 16718% 16719Finagle's Eighth Law: 16720 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 16721 16722Finagle's Ninth Law: 16723 No matter what results are expected, 16724 someone is always willing to fake it. 16725 16726Finagle's Tenth Law: 16727 No matter what the result someone 16728 is always eager to misinterpret it. 16729 16730Finagle's Eleventh Law: 16731 No matter what occurs, someone believes 16732 it happened according to his pet theory. 16733% 16734Finagle's First Law: 16735 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. 16736 16737Finagle's Second Law: 16738 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working. 16739 16740Finagle's Fourth Law: 16741 Once a job is fouled up, 16742 anything done to improve it only makes it worse. 16743 16744Finagle's Fifth Law: 16745 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings. 16746 16747Finagle's Sixth Law: 16748 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them. 16749% 16750Finagle's Seventh Law: 16751 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. 16752% 16753Finagle's Third Law: 16754 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, 16755 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 16756 16757Corollaries: 16758 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 16759 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really 16760 don't want to hear, will see it immediately. 16761% 16762Finality is death. 16763Perfection is finality. 16764Nothing is perfect. 16765There are lumps in it. 16766% 16767Fine day for friends. 16768So-so day for you. 16769% 16770Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. 16771% 16772Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. 16773% 16774Finster's Law: 16775A closed mouth gathers no feet. 16776% 16777First Law of Bicycling: 16778 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. 16779% 16780First law of debate: 16781 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. 16782% 16783First Law of Procrastination: 16784 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility 16785 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who 16786 imposed the deadline). 16787 16788Fifth Law of Procrastination: 16789 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that 16790 there is nothing important to do. 16791% 16792First Law of Socio-Genetics: 16793 Celibacy is not hereditary. 16794% 16795First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really 16796self-respecting woman would take advantage of it. 16797 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island" 16798% 16799First Rule of History: 16800 History doesn't repeat itself -- 16801 historians merely repeat each other. 16802% 16803First rule of public speaking. 16804 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em; 16805 then tell 'em; 16806 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em. 16807% 16808First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer. 16809But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all. 16810Dial-A-Wombat. 16811 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone 16812call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the 16813phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said. 16814 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of 16815the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk. 16816 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth. 16817 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its 16818bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub. 16819 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in 16820another phone booth. 16821 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth. 16822 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and 16823released it, too, in the scrub. 16824 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another 16825telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat. 16826 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect, 16827and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons. 16828 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in 16829telephone booths. 16830 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", WSW Australia, Aug 1980. 16831% 16832"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars; 16833"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation; 16834and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of 16835trees to prove their manhood. 16836 -- Dave Barry 16837% 16838Fishbowl, n: 16839 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly 16840 promoted managers are kept for observation. 16841% 16842Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime. 16843 -- Jimmy Cannon 16844% 16845Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck. 16846 -- Adolfo Guzman 16847% 16848Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. 16849 -- Robert Firth 16850% 16851Five names that I can hardly stand to hear, 16852Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here, 16853I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard, 16854And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard, 16855Yes, I'm goin' insane, 16856And I'm laughing at the frozen rain, 16857Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? 16858 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend, 16859 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a 16860 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend... 16861You fellah, you tearin' up the street, 16862You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat, 16863Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see, 16864That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me, 16865Yes, and goin' insane, 16866You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain, 16867Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? 16868(chorus) 16869 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan" 16870% 16871Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman 16872were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they 16873had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled 16874"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I", 16875the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's 16876"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and 16877Irish Political History". 16878% 16879Five rules for eternal misery: 16880 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably. 16881 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to 16882 treat these assumptions as though they are reality. 16883 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis. 16884 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with 16885 how much better things might have been or how much worse 16886 things might become). 16887 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to 16888 follow the first four rules. 16889% 16890Flame on! 16891 -- Johnny Storm 16892% 16893FLANNISTER: 16894 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together. 16895 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 16896% 16897FLASH! 16898Intelligence of mankind decreasing. 16899Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the .... 16900% 16901Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed. 16902 -- Josh Billings 16903% 16904Flattery will get you everywhere. 16905% 16906Flee at once, all is discovered. 16907% 16908Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself. 16909 -- Helen Rowland 16910% 16911Flon's Law: 16912 There is not now, and never will be, a language in 16913 which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. 16914% 16915flowchart, n. & v. 16916 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart 16917 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 16918 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni 16919 construction problems in which given algoritms require geometrical 16920 representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI 16921 template. 2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns. 16922 3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate 16923 misleading the illiterate. "A thousand pictures is worth ten lines 16924 of code." --The Programmer's Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 16925 5. v.intrans. To produce flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 16926 6. v.trans. To obfuscate (a problem) with esoteric cartoons. 16927 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 16928% 16929Flugg's Law: 16930 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize 16931 that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. 16932% 16933Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ... 16934% 16935Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling? 16936Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have. 16937% 16938Fog Lamps, n: 16939 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts 16940 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the 16941 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights". 16942% 16943"Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a 16944tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored." 16945 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy, 16946 commenting on rumors of womanizing. 16947% 16948Foolproof Operation: 16949 No provision for adjustment. 16950% 16951Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house. 16952% 16953Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce 16954a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather? 16955% 16956Football combines the two worst features of American life. 16957It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. 16958 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball" 16959% 16960Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets. 16961 -- Jimmy Breslin 16962% 16963For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint. 16964% 16965For a light heart lives long. 16966 -- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 16967% 16968For adult education nothing beats children. 16969% 16970For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, 16971since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned. 16972% 16973For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex. 16974 -- Gore Vidal 16975% 16976For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back. 16977% 16978For courage mounteth with occasion. 16979 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 16980% 16981For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 16982 -- Harrison 16983% 16984For every bloke who makes his mark, 16985there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out. 16986 -- Andy Capp 16987% 16988For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. 16989 -- R. Clopton 16990% 16991For every human problem, there is a neat, 16992plain solution -- and it is always wrong. 16993 -- H.L. Mencken 16994% 16995For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if 16996you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or 16997not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is 16998that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip; 16999when moving between an mskipand ordinary skip, the conversion factor 170001mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and 17001'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear. 17002 -- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80 17003% 17004For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. 17005% 17006For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel 17007and cook. 17008 -- Quentin Crisp 17009% 17010For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. 17011 -- Alexander Pope 17012% 17013For gin, in cruel 17014Sober truth, 17015Supplies the fuel 17016For flaming youth. 17017 -- Noel Coward 17018% 17019For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think! 17020% 17021For good, return good. 17022For evil, return justice. 17023% 17024For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. 17025 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul) 17026% 17027For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas! 17028but with break of day I went to make supplication. 17029 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D. 17030% 17031For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in 17032despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the 17033implacable grandeur of this life. 17034 -- Albert Camus 17035% 17036For knighthood is not in the feats of war, 17037As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong, 17038But in a cause which truth cannot defer: 17039He ought himself for to make sure and strong, 17040Just to keep mixt with mercy among: 17041And no quarrel a knight ought to take 17042But for a truth, or for the common's sake. 17043 -- Stephen Hawes 17044% 17045For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble: 17046and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust. 17047 -- Sir Thomas More 17048% 17049For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to 17050get themselves filed. 17051 -- Clifton Fadiman 17052% 17053For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in 17054the same room and let them fight it out. 17055 -- Stephen Wright 17056% 17057For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I 17058put them in the same room and let them fight it out. 17059 -- Steven Wright 17060% 17061For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at 17062the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful 17063power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous 17064and bad music may be put on record forever. 17065 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888 17066% 17067For people who like that kind of book, 17068that is the kind of book they will like. 17069% 17070FOR SALE: 17071 Parachute. Used once. 17072 Never opened. Slightly Stained. 17073% 17074For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say 17075"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. 17076 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S. 17077% 17078For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. 17079% 17080For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the 17081massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the 17082last step of doing away with computers altogether?" 17083 -- Jehan Shuman 17084% 17085For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, 17086each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall 17087was a gate. 17088 -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King" 17089 17090 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 17091 referring to system overview.] 17092 17093% 17094For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. 17095This gives me great hope for the human race. 17096 -- Harlan Ellison 17097% 17098For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear. 17099% 17100For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers. 17101 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 17102% 17103For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can 17104neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one? 17105 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse" 17106 17107 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 17108 referring to powerfail recovery.] 17109% 17110For they starve the frightened little child 17111Till it weeps both night and day: 17112And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool, 17113And gibe the old and grey, 17114And some grow mad, and all grow bad, 17115And none a word may say. 17116 17117Each narrow cell in which we dwell 17118Is a foul and dark latrine, 17119And the fetid breath of living Death 17120Chokes up each grated screen, 17121And all, but Lust, is turned to dust 17122In Humanity's machine. 17123 17124And all men kill the thing they love, 17125By all let this be heard, 17126Some do it with a bitter look, 17127Some with a flattering word, 17128The coward does it with a kiss, 17129The brave man with a sword. 17130 -- Oscar Wilde 17131% 17132For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___. 17133When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged 17134him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to 17135spend my evenings?" 17136 -- Chamfort 17137% 17138For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the 17139'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow 17140recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned 17141protected species. 17142 Ingredients: 17143 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag 17144 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal 17145 1 teaspoonful salt 17146 8 oz. shredded suet 17147 2 small onions 17148 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper 17149 17150 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water 17151overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over 17152the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus 17153gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about 17154half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet, 17155salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for 17156swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not 17157available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for 17158four to five hours. 17159% 17160For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. 17161 -- Abraham Lincoln 17162% 17163For three days after death hair and fingernails 17164continue to grow, but phone calls taper off. 17165 -- Johnny Carson 17166% 17167For years a secret shame destroyed my peace-- 17168I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. 17169But now I think a thought that brings me hope: 17170Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. 17171 -- Justin Richardson. 17172% 17173Force has no place where there is need of skill. 17174 -- Herodotus 17175% 17176"Force is but might," the teacher said-- 17177"That definition's just." 17178The boy said naught but thought instead, 17179Remembering his pounded head: 17180"Force is not might but must!" 17181% 17182Force it!!! 17183If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway... 17184No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer. 17185% 17186FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX! 17187% 17188Forecast, n: 17189 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for 17190 which the forecaster demands payment in the present. 17191% 17192Forest fires cause Smokey Bears. 17193% 17194Forgetfulness, n: 17195 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for 17196 their destitution of conscience. 17197% 17198Forgive and forget. 17199 -- Cervantes 17200% 17201Forgive him, 17202for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature! 17203 -- G.B. Shaw 17204% 17205Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee 17206And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me. 17207 -- Robert Frost 17208% 17209Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names. 17210 -- John F. Kennedy 17211% 17212Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit. 17213% 17214FORTH IF HONK THEN 17215% 17216FORTRAN is a good example of a language 17217which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques. 17218 -- D. Gries 17219 [What's good about it? Ed.] 17220% 17221FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. 17222% 17223FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, 17224occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer. 17225 -- A.J. Perlis 17226% 17227FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers. 17228 -- Steven Feiner 17229% 17230FORTRAN rots the brain. 17231 -- John McQuillin 17232% 17233FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly 17234inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is 17235too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use. 17236 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 17237% 17238FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is 17239hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have 17240in mind today: it is now too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive 17241to use. 17242 -- E.W. Dijkstra 17243% 17244[FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- 17245probably for at least the next decade. 17246 -- T. Cheatham 17247% 17248Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils. 17249% 17250Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of 17251the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility 17252of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the 17253responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals 17254or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out 17255claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidcence and to 17256provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with 17257the accepted body of scientific evidence. 17258 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, 17259 No. 2, pg. 215 17260% 17261Fortune and love befriend the bold. 17262 -- Ovid 17263% 17264FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3 17265 17266Q: Why haven't you graduated yet? 17267A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted 17268 my dissertation to rhyme. 17269% 17270FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8 17271 17272Q: Is God a myth? 17273A: No, He's a mythter. 17274% 17275fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies. 17276% 17277FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14 17278 17279Low Blows: 17280 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One 17281of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must 17282hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain. 17283 17284Dressing Up: 17285 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the 17286garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up 17287for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about 17288weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor 17289party". 17290 17291David Letterman: 17292 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the 17293Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad 17294haircut. 17295% 17296FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16 17297 17298Relationships: 17299 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he 17300refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular 17301basis". 17302 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to 17303her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then 17304she will get on with her life. 17305 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the 17306breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just 17307wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I 17308hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's 17309always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" 17310drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are 17311community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, 17312these classes rarely prove effective. 17313% 17314FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17 17315 17316Shoes: 17317 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes, 17318boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor 17319of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet. 17320 17321Making friends: 17322 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things 17323together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends." 17324 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things 17325together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man, 17326sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or 17327psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken 17328sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a 17329jerk, I guess you're OK." 17330% 17331FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2 17332 17333Desserts: 17334 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic 17335work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before 17336she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by 17337grabbing the cherry in the center. 17338 17339Car repair: 17340 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair 17341manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem 17342himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be 17343fixed without special tools". 17344 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an 17345accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the 17346car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than 17347the average man. 17348% 17349FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4 17350 17351Weddings: 17352 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". 17353Men talk about "the bachelor party". 17354 17355Clothes: 17356 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt 17357he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about 17358the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on 17359the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting 17360them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age. 17361 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year. 17362They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions. 17363% 17364FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5 17365 17366Trust: 17367 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling 17368around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if 17369she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her 17370OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that 17371one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if 17372his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one 17373of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though, 17374so they can be ready if he needs an alibi. 17375 17376Driving: 17377 17378 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind 17379the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep 17380him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting 17381to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The 17382Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body 17383shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and 17384price their policies accordingly. 17385 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get 17386rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to 17387her makeup. 17388% 17389FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6 17390 17391Bathrooms: 17392 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, 17393shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. 17394The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man 17395would not be able to identify most of these items. 17396 17397Groceries: 17398 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store 17399and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge 17400are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys 17401everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, 17402his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. 17403Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane. 17404% 17405FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8 17406 17407Going Out: 17408 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go 17409out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready 17410to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup, 17411checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend... 17412 17413Cats: 17414 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't 17415looking, men kick cats. 17416 17417Offspring: 17418 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows 17419about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends 17420and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely 17421aware of some short people living in the house. 17422% 17423FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9 17424 17425Laundry: 17426 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article 17427of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight 17428years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, 17429he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain 17430of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at 17431the laundromat. This is a myth. 17432 17433Nicknames: 17434 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, 17435they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if 17436Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately 17437refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless. 17438 17439Socks: 17440 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. 17441Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures 17442of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. 17443% 17444FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10 17445 17446CARTABLANCA: 17447 Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells 17448 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of 17449 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer 17450 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is 17451 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in 17452 which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat. 17453% 17454FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11 17455 17456MONOPOLI: 17457 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour 17458 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after 17459 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the 17460 Boardwalk property. 17461% 17462FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12 17463 17464O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min. 17465 17466 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of 17467 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif 17468 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in 17469 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning. 17470 With Julie Christie. 17471% 17472FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3 17473 17474MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET: 17475 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and 17476 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way 17477 into your heart. 17478% 17479FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4 17480 17481WITLESS: 17482 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role 17483 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the 17484 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to 17485 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly 17486 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away. 17487% 17488FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5 17489 17490THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER: 17491 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman 17492 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family 17493 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales 17494 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues 17495 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives 17496 a glowing performance. 17497% 17498FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6 17499 17500RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. 17501 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, 17502 and arguably the best movie ever made about a large, 17503 man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. 17504% 17505FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7 17506 17507OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA": 17508 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences 17509 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of 17510 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy. 17511 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for 17512 younger viewers. 17513% 17514FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8 17515 17516THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986) 17517 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen 17518 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable 17519 (if sometimes fatal) lesson. 17520 17521THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987) 17522 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving 17523 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece 17524 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of 17525 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family. 17526% 17527FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9 17528 17529THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min. 17530 17531 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as 17532 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene 17533 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.) 17534% 17535Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 17536 17537It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and 17538supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to 17539more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant 17540negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a 17541negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive 17542as that in support of an affirmative. 17543 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472. 17544% 17545Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 17546 17547We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be 17548left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it 17549seems to us that someone has been very careless. 17550 -- 78 So. 365. 17551% 17552Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 17553 17554We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" 17555may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine 17556species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female 17557of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two 17558revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think 17559it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person. 17560 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466. 17561% 17562FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1 17563 17564skilled oral communicator: 17565 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self. 17566 Argues with self. Loses these arguments. 17567 17568skilled written communicator: 17569 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for 17570 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else. 17571 17572growth potential: 17573 With proper guidance, periodic counselling, and remedial training, 17574 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet 17575 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company. 17576 17577key company figure: 17578 Serves as the perfect counter example. 17579% 17580FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4 17581 17582consistent: 17583 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated 17584 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year. 17585 17586an excellent sounding board: 17587 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement 17588 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification. 17589 17590a planner and organizer: 17591 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the 17592 animal tags on his clothing. 17593% 17594FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9 17595 17596has management potential: 17597 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the 17598 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department 17599 pencil monitor. 17600 17601inspirational: 17602 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God, 17603 go I.") 17604 17605adapts to stress: 17606 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the 17607 situation. 17608 17609goal oriented: 17610 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails 17611 to meet them. 17612% 17613Fortune favors the lucky. 17614% 17615Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12 17616 17617 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions. 17618% 17619Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15 17620 17621 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." 17622 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas 17623 Cowboy cheerleaders. 17624% 17625Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17 17626 17627 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, 17628 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet." 17629 Juliet, this bud's for you. 17630% 17631Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2 17632 17633 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people 17634 you've made happy. 17635% 17636Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21 17637 17638 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day? 17639 No, I guess not. 17640% 17641Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3 17642 17643 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car. 17644% 17645Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6 17646 17647 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?" 17648 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep. 17649% 17650Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9 17651 17652 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument. 17653% 17654fortune: No such file or directory 17655% 17656fortune: not found 17657% 17658Fortune presents: 17659 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1. 17660 17661^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English? 17662Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand. 17663Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker 17664 renkontas. I've met. 17665La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail. 17666Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it. 17667Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around. 17668Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea. 17669% 17670Fortune presents: 17671 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2. 17672 17673^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken? 17674^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often? 17675^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number? 17676Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers. 17677Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction. 17678^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going? 17679% 17680Fortune presents: 17681 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5. 17682 17683Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. 17684 ^cevalon. 17685Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding. 17686Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me! 17687Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you? 17688Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother? 17689Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon. 17690% 17691FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4 17692 17693Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!? 17694Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........ 17695Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case! 17696Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here? 17697% 17698FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 17699 17700A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy 17701Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates? 17702% 17703FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 17704 17705A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 17706Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy? 17707% 17708FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 17709 17710A: To be or not to be. 17711Q: What is the square root of 4b^2? 17712% 17713FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 17714 17715A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. 17716Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name? 17717% 17718FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31 17719 17720A: Chicken Teriyaki. 17721Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot? 17722% 17723FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 17724 17725A: Go west, young man, go west! 17726Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound? 17727% 17728FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 17729 17730A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. 17731Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines. 17732% 17733FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5 17734 17735 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!" 17736 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965 17737% 17738FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6 17739 17740 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!" 17741 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954 17742% 17743Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! 17744 17745Try: 17746 ar t "God" 17747 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell) 17748 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD) 17749 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell) 17750 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell) 17751 rm God 17752 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell) 17753 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD) 17754 make "heads or tails of all this" 17755 who is smart 17756 (C shell) 17757 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have? 17758 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD) 17759% 17760Fortune's current rates: 17761 17762 Answers .10 17763 Long answers .25 17764 Answers requiring thought .50 17765 Correct answers $1.00 17766 17767 Dumb looks are still free. 17768% 17769Fortune's diet truths: 177701: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream. 177712: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud. 177723: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not 17773 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish. 177744: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see 17775 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat. 177765: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as 17777 appealing as tepid beer. 177786: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place! 177797: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and 17780 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and 17781 it isn't. 177828: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable. 177839: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert! 1778410: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies. 1778511: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and 17786 swallowing. 17787% 17788Fortune's Exercising Truths: 17789 177901: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't. 177912. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks. 177923. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life. 177934. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing. 177945. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done 17795 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as 17796 you twitter around in your chair. 177976. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys mosts is tripping joggers. 177987. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around 17799 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard 17800 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity. 178018. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups, 17802 followed by one throw-up. 178039. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided. 17804% 17805FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8 17806 Christmas Rum Cake 17807 178081 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder 178091 cup butter 1 tsp. soda 178101 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice 178112 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar 178122 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts 17813 17814Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now 17815select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It 17816must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup 17817of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric 17818mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar 17819and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality. 17820Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups 17821of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the 17822beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking 17823for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a 17824seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter). 17825Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and 17826strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have. 17827Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until 17828poothtick comes out crean. 17829% 17830FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 17831 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America. 17832 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle. 17833 A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family. 17834 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat 17835 rather then a spotted one. 17836 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees 17837 while peauts grow underground. They are classified as a 17838 legume-part of the pea family. 17839 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit. 17840% 17841FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 17842 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe" 17843Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland. 17844% 17845FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37 17846 Can you name the seven seas? 17847 Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian, 17848 North Pacific, South Pacific. 17849 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White? 17850 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful. 17851% 17852FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44 17853 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background. 17854% 17855FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108 17856 17857In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless 17858there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red 17859flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. 17860% 17861FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 17862 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath 17863at least once a year. 17864% 17865FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16 17866 17867The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River 17868can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. 17869% 17870FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19 17871 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in 17872his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional 17873ability in that particular field." 17874% 17875FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 17876 17877In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own 17878at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. 17879% 17880FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2 17881 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 17882% 17883FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3 17884 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the 17885movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the 17886right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. 17887% 17888FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8 17889 17890 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart 17891a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 17892% 17893Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3 17894 17895August 27, 1949: 17896 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the 17897 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum. 17898% 17899FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14 17900What to do... 17901 if reality disappears? 17902 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you 17903 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant. 17904 17905 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time 17906 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you? 17907 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in. 17908 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your 17909 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you 17910 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles 17911 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask 17912 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO. 17913% 17914FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2 17915What to do... 17916 if you get a phone call from Mars: 17917 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit 17918 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are 17919 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen. 17920 17921 if he, she or it doesn't speak English? 17922 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone. 17923 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she 17924 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before 17925 calling. 17926 17927 if you get a phone call from Jupiter? 17928 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter, 17929 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the 17930 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the 17931 charges may have been reversed. 17932% 17933FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6 17934What to do... 17935 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard? 17936 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any 17937 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe 17938 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive, 17939 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude. 17940 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably 17941 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help. 17942 17943 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your 17944 closet contains an alternate dimension? 17945 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back, 17946 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm 17947 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not 17948 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains 17949 an alternate dimension, nail it shut. 17950% 17951Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: 17952 17953WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: 17954 17955Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608 17956of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the 17957combination of beauty and power. Few have 17958excelled him in the use of the English language, 17959or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, 17960'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest 17961single poem ever written." 17962 17963Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now 17964doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are 17965of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the 17966 bungling and greed of President 17967 Roosevelt. 17968 17969... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a 17970not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist. 17971% 17972Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals 17973goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned 17974House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a 17975sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero 17976and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. 17977 17978Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are 17979 having to artifically propogate oysters and clams." 17980Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?" 17981Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is 17982 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large 17983 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of 17984 fertilization." 17985Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many 17986 teenagers who read The Congressional Record." 17987% 17988FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14 17989 17990 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to 17991your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert 17992and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything 17993drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. 17994% 17995Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2 17996 17997Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over 17998the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that 17999the author of an memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments 18000in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an 18001incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has 18002never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's 18003memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having 18004done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand 18005the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then 18006you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact, 18007the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows: 18008 18009 1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo. 18010 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are. 18011 3: When replying to one of your own memos. 18012% 18013FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2 18014 18015 Never goose a wolverine. 18016% 18017FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23 18018 18019 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn. 18020% 18021Forty isn't old, if you're a tree. 18022% 18023Four be the things I am wiser to know: 18024Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. 18025 18026Four be the things I'd been better without: 18027Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 18028 18029Three be the things I shall never attain: 18030Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. 18031 18032Three be the things I shall have till I die: 18033Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. 18034 -- Inventory 18035% 18036Four be the things I'd been better without: 18037Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 18038-- Dorothy Parker, "Not So Deep as a Well" 18039% 18040Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on 18041tombstones, women and competitors. 18042 -- Lord Thomas Dewar 18043% 18044Four hours to bury the cat? 18045Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling... 18046% 18047Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue 18048ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. 18049This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays. 18050 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn 18051% 18052Fourth Law of Applied Terror: 18053 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology 18054 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 18055 18056Corollary: 18057 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except 18058 study for that instructor's course. 18059% 18060Fourth Law of Revision: 18061 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about 18062 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one 18063 for you. 18064% 18065Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix. 18066 -- Rhett Buggler 18067% 18068Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason. 18069 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book" 18070% 18071Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire. 18072 -- A Yippie Proverb 18073% 18074Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite. 18075% 18076Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 18077% 18078Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better. 18079 -- Camus 18080% 18081Freedom is slavery. 18082Ignorance is strength. 18083War is peace. 18084 -- George Orwell 18085% 18086Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one. 18087% 18088Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. 18089 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee" 18090% 18091Fremen add life to spice! 18092% 18093Fresco's Discovery: 18094 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. 18095% 18096Friction is a drag. 18097% 18098Fried's 1st Rule: 18099 Increased automation of clerical function 18100 invariably results in increased operational costs. 18101% 18102Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 18103 -- Thomas Jones 18104% 18105Friends, n: 18106 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. 18107 18108 People who know you well, but like you anyway. 18109% 18110Friends, Romans, Hipsters, 18111Let me clue you in; 18112I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him. 18113The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; 18114The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. 18115The cool Brutus gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes; 18116If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, 18117And, like, old Caeser really set them straight. 18118Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a 18119 real cool cat; 18120So are they all, all cool cats, -- 18121Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down. 18122% 18123Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority 18124over the other. 18125 -- Honore DeBalzac 18126% 18127Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, 18128your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. 18129% 18130From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds. 18131 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado 18132% 18133From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. 18134That is the point that must be reached. 18135 -- F. Kafka 18136% 18137From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. 18138% 18139From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first. 18140 -- Bertolt Brecht 18141% 18142From the crystal swirling waters, 18143Of the Rio Amazon, 18144To the sacred halls of Bayonne, 18145Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.) 18146From ev'ry hallowed venue, 18147Ev'ry forest, mount and vale, 18148Your butt is on the menu 18149And the check is in the mail. 18150 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races" 18151% 18152From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was 18153convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 18154 -- Groucho Marx 18155% 18156From too much love of living, 18157From hope and fear set free, 18158We thank with brief thanskgiving, 18159Whatever gods may be, 18160That no life lives forever, 18161That dead men rise up never, 18162That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. 18163 -- Swinburne 18164% 18165F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway: 18166 "Ernest, the rich are different from us." 18167Hemingway: 18168 "Yes. They have more money." 18169% 18170Fudd's First Law of Opposition: 18171 Push something hard enough and it will fall over. 18172% 18173Fun experiments: 18174 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week. 18175 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want... 18176 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount. 18177% 18178Fun Facts, #14: 18179 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how 18180 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won. 18181% 18182Fun Facts, #63: 18183 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores. 18184 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the 18185 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in 18186 1510. 18187% 18188Function reject. 18189% 18190Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything. 18191% 18192FURBLING: 18193 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 18194 even when you are the only person in line. 18195 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 18196% 18197furbling, v: 18198 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 18199 even when you are the only person in line. 18200 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 18201% 18202Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 18203 -- H. H. Williams 18204% 18205Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 18206 -- H.H. Williams 18207% 18208Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment... 18209but if we send it by ship, it's cargo. 18210% 18211Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. 18212% 18213Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union. 18214 -- Joseph Stalin 18215% 18216Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: 18217 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that 18218there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof. 18219% 18220Garbage In - Gospel Out. 18221% 18222Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on 18223our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! 18224 -- Adventures of Asterix 18225% 18226Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". 18227 18228Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the 18229harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: 18230 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." 18231Obvious, isn't it? 18232 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start 18233speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as 18234long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all 18235your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and 18236so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed 18237individuals and then grow.... 18238 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those 18239signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when 18240everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on 18241the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs 18242backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? 18243I think not, my friend, I think not. 18244 -- Arthur Naiman 18245% 18246GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 18247 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for 18248 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch 18249 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good 18250 in it today, either. 18251% 18252GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) 18253 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you 18254 can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise 18255 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short 18256 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. 18257% 18258GENDERPLEX: 18259 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 18260 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g. turtles and tortoises). 18261 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 18262% 18263genderplex, n: 18264 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 18265 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and 18266 tortoises). 18267 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 18268% 18269GENEALOGY: 18270 An account of one's descent from an ancestor 18271 who did not particularly care to trace his own. 18272 -- Ambrose Bierce 18273% 18274General notions are generally wrong. 18275 -- Lady M.W. Montagu 18276% 18277Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death. 18278 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645 18279% 18280Generic Fortune. 18281% 18282Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. 18283% 18284Genetics explains why you look like your father, 18285and if you don't, why you should. 18286% 18287GENIUS: 18288 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with bright. 18289% 18290GENIUS: 18291 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right 18292 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying 18293 all the right things to all the right people. 18294% 18295Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can. 18296 -- Owen Meredith 18297% 18298Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. 18299 -- Thomas Alva Edison 18300% 18301Genius is pain. 18302 -- John Lennon 18303% 18304Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. 18305% 18306Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. 18307% 18308Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. 18309 -- Elbert Hubbard 18310% 18311genius, n: 18312 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with 18313 "bright". 18314% 18315genlock, n: 18316 Why he stays in the bottle. 18317% 18318Gentlemen, 18319 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach 18320to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying 18321with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and 18322thence by dispatch to our headquarters. 18323 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all 18324manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. 18325I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. 18326Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable 18327exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. 18328 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted 18329for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous 18330confusion as the the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry 18331regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness 18332may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a 18333fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. 18334 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of 18335my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand 18336why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it 18337must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either 18338one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both: 18339 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit 18340of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance: 18341 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. 18342 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office, 18343 London, 1812 18344% 18345Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's 18346old girl friend. 18347% 18348George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of 18349his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note: 18350 "Bring a friend, if you have one." 18351 18352Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he 18353had a previous engagement. He also attached the following: 18354 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one." 18355% 18356George Orwell was an optimist. 18357% 18358George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to 18359have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. 18360 -- Ashley Cooper 18361% 18362George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let 18363me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration. 18364 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway." 18365 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet 18366and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address. 18367No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog. 18368George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at 18369the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff." 18370Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home. 18371 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George 18372yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?" 18373 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're 18374gonna get on Labor Day." 18375% 18376(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only 18377one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added, 18378"And he didn't understand me." 18379% 18380Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 18381 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 18382 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 18383 3) The energy required to change either one of these states 18384 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so 18385 much as to make the task totally impossible. 18386% 18387Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. 18388% 18389Get GUMMed 18390---------- 18391 18392The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076 18393(check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground 18394directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the 18395hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with 18396forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and 18397sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the 18398ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown 18399of all the user-friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You 18400Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis 18401"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You 18402Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all 18403GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell 18404them. 18405 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June 1984 18406% 18407Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light. 18408 -- Dylan Thomas 18409% 18410Getting into trouble is easy. 18411 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser 18412% 18413Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked 18414out of the Book-of-the-Month Club. 18415 -- Melvin Belli on the occcasion of his getting kicked out 18416 of the American Bar Association 18417% 18418Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. 18419 18420Corrollary: 18421 Following the rules will not get the job done. 18422% 18423Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back. 18424% 18425Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"): 18426 18427'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la) 18428Snatch them from their little housies (...) 18429First we chase them 'round the field (...) 18430Then we have them for a meal (...) 18431 18432Toss them here and catch them there (...) 18433See them flying through the air (...) 18434Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...) 18435Falling mice have great appeal (...) 18436 18437See the hunter stretched before us (...) 18438He's chased the mice in field and forest (...) 18439Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...) 18440Of the blood of little critters (...) 18441% 18442Gilbert's Discovery: 18443 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces 18444 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other. 18445% 18446Gil-galad was an Elven-King 18447of him the harpers sadly sing; 18448the last whose realm was fair and free 18449between the Mountains and the Sea. 18450 18451His sword was long, his lance was keen, 18452his shining helm afar was seen; 18453the countless stars of heaven's field 18454were mirrored in his silver shield. 18455 18456But long ago he rode away, 18457and where he dwelleth none can say; 18458for into darkness fell his star 18459in Mordor where the shadows are. 18460% 18461Ginger Snap 18462% 18463Ginsberg's Theorem: 18464 1. You can't win. 18465 2. You can't break even. 18466 3. You can't even quit the game. 18467 18468Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: 18469 18470 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem 18471 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's 18472 Theorem. To wit: 18473 18474 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 18475 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 18476 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. 18477% 18478Ginsburg's Law: 18479 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your 18480big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on. 18481% 18482GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error. 18483% 18484Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. 18485Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner. 18486 -- Calvin Keegan 18487% 18488Give a small boy a hammer and he will find 18489that everything he encounters needs pounding. 18490% 18491Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. 18492% 18493Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down 18494that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File". 18495% 18496Give him an evasive answer. 18497% 18498Give me a fish and I will eat today. 18499Teach me to fish and I will eat forever. 18500% 18501Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh 18502dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world. 18503% 18504Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles. 18505% 18506Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. 18507 -- St. Augustine 18508% 18509Give me libertines or give me meth. 18510% 18511Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe, 18512Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow! 18513But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, 18514Save me, oh save me from the candid friend. 18515 -- George Canning 18516% 18517Give me your students, your secretaries, 18518Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free, 18519The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's. 18520Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me. 18521I lift my disk beside the processor. 18522 -- Inscription on a Word Processor 18523% 18524Give thought to your reputation. 18525Consider changing your name and moving to a new town. 18526% 18527GIVE UP!!!! 18528% 18529Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. 18530% 18531Give your very best today. 18532Heaven knows it's little enough. 18533% 18534Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief. 18535 -- William Faulkner 18536% 18537Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the 18538Open Software Foundation] is its mouth. 18539 -- John Gilmore 18540% 18541Given my druthers, I'd druther not. 18542% 18543Given sufficient time, what you put 18544off doing today will get done by itself. 18545% 18546Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd 18547rather lie around. No contest. 18548 -- Eric Clapton 18549% 18550Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and 18551car keys to teenage boys. 18552 -- P.J. O'Rourke 18553% 18554Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages 18555whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits 18556LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. 18557 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 18558% 18559GLEEMITES: 18560 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks. 18561 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 18562% 18563Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: 18564 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the 18565 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting 18566 some useful work done. 18567% 18568Gloffing is a state of mine. 18569% 18570Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink): 18571 fifth of dry red wine 18572 fifth of Aquavit 18573 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon 18574 10 cardamom seeds 18575 1 cup raisins 18576 4 dried figs 18577 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds 18578 a few pieces of dried orange peel 18579 5 cloves 18580 1/2 lb. sugar cubes 18581 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine 18582for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT 18583the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire 18584strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match. 18585Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve 18586hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup. 18587 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only 18588if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish 18589extraction. 18590% 18591Go ahead... make my day. 18592 -- Dirty Harry 18593% 18594Go ahead, make my day. 18595 -- Harry Callahan 18596% 18597Go away, I'm all right. 18598 -- H.G. Wells' last words. 18599% 18600Go away! Stop bothering me with all your 18601"compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP. 18602 18603logout 18604% 18605Go climb a gravity well. 18606% 18607Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. 18608% 18609Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no. 18610 -- J.R.R. Tolkien 18611% 18612Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go 18613into his office and say to his secretary, "Is there a play from Shaw this 18614morning?" and when she says "No," he will say, "Well, then we'll have to 18615start on the rubbish." And that's your chance, my boy. 18616 -- G.B. Shaw to William Douglas Home 18617% 18618Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you. 18619 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides 18620% 18621Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends, 18622but quickly to their misfortunes. 18623 -- Chilo 18624% 18625Go to a movie tonight. 18626Darkness becomes you. 18627% 18628Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to 18629all your troubles. 18630 -- Andrew Jackson 18631 18632The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the 18633teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith 18634in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country. 18635 -- Calvin Coolidge 18636 18637Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and 18638religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted 18639on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be 18640secure which is not supported by moral habits. 18641 -- Daniel Webster 18642% 18643Go 'way! You're bothering me! 18644% 18645Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world... 18646 -- Wally Shawn 18647% 18648GOD: 18649 Darwin's chief rival. 18650% 18651God created a few perfect heads. 18652The rest he covered with hair. 18653% 18654God created woman. 18655And boredom did indeed cease from that moment -- 18656but many other things ceased as well. 18657Woman was God's second mistake. 18658 -- Nietzsche 18659% 18660God did not create the world in 7 days; He screwed 18661around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. 18662% 18663God gave man two ears and one tongue so 18664that we listen twice as much as we speak. 18665 -- Arab proverb 18666% 18667God gives burdens; also shoulders. 18668 18669 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech 18670at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish 18671saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth 18672though; why would he lie about a thing like that? 18673 -- Arthur Naiman 18674% 18675God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. 18676% 18677God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to 18678change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. 18679% 18680God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little... 18681The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do 18682not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman... 18683not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking 18684and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is 18685not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the 18686morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night! 18687 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher 18688% 18689God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more 18690that you try to find success, the more that you will fail. 18691 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect 18692% 18693God help those who do not help themselves. 18694 -- Wilson Mizner 18695% 18696God helps them that helps themselves. 18697 -- B. Franklin 18698% 18699God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now! 18700% 18701God instructs the heart, not by ideas, 18702but by pains and contradictions. 18703 -- De Caussade 18704% 18705God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. 18706% 18707God is a polytheist. 18708% 18709God is Dead. 18710 -- Nietzsche 18711Nietzsche is Dead. 18712 -- God 18713Nietzsche is God. 18714 -- Dead 18715% 18716God is dead and I don't feel all too well either.... 18717 -- Ralph Moonen 18718% 18719God is love, but get it in writing. 18720 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 18721% 18722God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a 18723much less ambitious project. 18724% 18725God is not dead! He's alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's! 18726% 18727God is real, unless declared integer. 18728% 18729God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the 18730elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying 18731other things. 18732 -- Pablo Picasso 18733% 18734God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. 18735 -- Alfred Jarry 18736% 18737God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved. 18738% 18739God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. 18740% 18741God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. 18742 -- Paul Valery 18743% 18744God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. 18745% 18746God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. 18747 -- Kronecker 18748% 18749God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. 18750% 18751God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean. 18752 -- Albert Einstein 18753% 18754God must have loved calories, she made so many of them. 18755% 18756God must love the common man; He made so many of them. 18757% 18758God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone, 18759Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too. 18760The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol 18761Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true. 18762The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get 18763Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2. 18764(chorus) (chorus) 18765 18766We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you, 18767They'll send without delay The network's also dead, 18768A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on 18769It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead. 18770The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks. 18771We'll bury them today. And only cards are read. 18772(chorus) (chorus) 18773 18774And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, 18775Before we go away, Comfort and joy, 18776We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. 18777Won't ruin your whole day. 18778You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way. 18779(chorus) 18780 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen 18781% 18782God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, 18783and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. 18784 -- William Bragg 18785% 18786God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it. 18787% 18788God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle. 18789% 18790God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects 18791to receive it. 18792 -- Austin O'Malley 18793% 18794God votes Republican. 18795% 18796God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal. 18797 -- Samuel Butler 18798% 18799Goda's Truism: 18800 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, 18801 somebody moves the ends. 18802% 18803Going the speed of light is bad for your age. 18804% 18805Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school 18806make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. 18807% 18808Gold, n: 18809 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It 18810 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich 18811 men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, 18812 although gold hasn't done anything to them. 18813 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 18814% 18815Goldenstern's Rules: 18816 1. Always hire a rich attorney. 18817 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. 18818% 18819Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops 18820eating before he bursts. 18821% 18822Gold's Law: 18823 If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 18824% 18825Gomme's Laws: 18826 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches. 18827 (2) Time accelerates. 18828 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away. 18829% 18830Gone With The Wind LITE(tm) 18831 -- by Margaret Mitchell 18832 18833 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed. 18834 18835Gift of the Magii LITE(tm) 18836 -- by O. Henry 18837 18838 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences. 18839 18840The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm) 18841 -- by Ernest Hemingway 18842 18843 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck. 18844 18845Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm) 18846 -- by Anne Frank 18847 18848 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered. 18849% 18850Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven. 18851% 18852Good advice is something a man gives 18853when he is too old to set a bad example. 18854 -- La Rouchefoucauld 18855% 18856Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. 18857% 18858Good day for business affairs. 18859Make a pass at that the new file clerk. 18860% 18861Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. 18862% 18863Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. 18864% 18865Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work. 18866% 18867Good day to deal with people in high places; 18868particularly lonely stewardesses. 18869% 18870Good day to let down old friends who need help. 18871% 18872Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational 18873at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred 18874ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a 18875song. If you would like, I could sing it for you. 18876% 18877Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two. 18878% 18879Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. 18880% 18881Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of 18882those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the 18883will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of 18884government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders. 18885 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune" 18886% 18887"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die. 18888% 18889Good judgement comes from experience. 18890Experience comes from bad judgement. 18891 -- Jim Horning 18892% 18893Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. 18894% 18895Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're 18896giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely 18897at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now. 18898% 18899Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. 18900% 18901Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. 18902% 18903Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 18904% 18905Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are! 18906% 18907Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are. 18908% 18909Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's 18910new lover. 18911% 18912Good night to spend with family, 18913but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover. 18914% 18915Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry. 18916 -- R.E. Schenk 18917% 18918Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre. 18919 -- Gail Godwin 18920% 18921Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. 18922 -- George Saunders' dying words 18923% 18924Goodbye, cool world. 18925% 18926Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with 18927tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human 18928misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known 18929that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to 18930my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised 18931my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the 18932holy words, "Heil Hitler!" 18933 -- George Lincoln Rockwell 18934% 18935Gordon's Law: 18936 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased. 18937% 18938gossip, n: 18939 Hearing something you like about someone you don't. 18940 -- Earl Wilson 18941% 18942//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH 18943% 18944Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? 18945Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number": 18946 18947 1-800-AUDITME 18948% 18949Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life. 18950% 18951Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack, 18952I went out for a ride and never came back. 18953Like a river that don't know where it's flowing, 18954I took a wrong turn and I just kept going. 18955 18956 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 18957 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 18958 Lay down your money and you play your part, 18959 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 18960 18961I met her in a Kingstown bar, 18962We fell in love, I knew it had to end. 18963We took what we had and we ripped it apart, 18964Now here I am down in Kingstown again. 18965 18966Everybody needs a place to rest, 18967Everybody wants to have a home. 18968Don't make no difference what nobody says, 18969Ain't nobody likes to be alone. 18970 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart" 18971% 18972Got Mole problems? 18973Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23. 18974% 18975Gourmet, n: 18976 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or 18977 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're 18978 leaving the best part. 18979% 18980Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it. 18981 -- Lao Tsu 18982% 18983Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any 18984more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't 18985know much. 18986 -- The Best of Will Rogers 18987% 18988Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know 18989any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he 18990doesn't know much. 18991 -- Will Rogers 18992% 18993Government's Law: 18994 There is an exception to all laws. 18995% 18996Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's 18997leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on 18998board. 18999 -- Princess Leia Organa 19000% 19001Grabel's Law: 19002 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. 19003% 19004Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. 19005% 19006Graduate students and most professors are 19007no smarter than undergrads. They're just older. 19008% 19009Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke 19010he exclaimed: 19011 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine, 19012 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!" 19013 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 19014% 19015Grandpa Charnock's Law: 19016 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 19017 19018 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.] 19019% 19020Graphics blind the eyes. 19021Audio files deafen the ear. 19022Mouse clicks numb the fingers. 19023Heuristics weaken the mind. 19024Options wither the heart. 19025 19026The Guru observes the net 19027but trusts his inner vision. 19028He allows things to come and go. 19029His heart is as open as the ether. 19030% 19031GRASSHOPPOTAMUS: 19032 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once. 19033% 19034Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion. 19035 -- Joseph Alsop 19036% 19037GRAVITY: 19038 What you get when you eat too much and too fast. 19039% 19040Gravity brings me down. 19041% 19042Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. 19043% 19044Gray's Law of Programming: 19045 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be 19046 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks. 19047 19048Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 19049 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks. 19050% 19051Great acts are made up of small deeds. 19052 -- Lao Tsu 19053% 19054Great American Axiom: 19055 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right. 19056% 19057GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17): 19058 19059On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his 19060place of residence. 19061% 19062GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751 19063 19064Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs. 19065% 19066GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915 19067 19068Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup. 19069% 19070Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. 19071 -- Albert Einstein 19072 19073They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they 19074also laughed at Bozo the Clown. 19075 -- Carl Sagan 19076% 19077Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. 19078% 19079Green light in A.M. for new projects. 19080Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. 19081% 19082Green's Law of Debate: 19083Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. 19084% 19085Grelb's Reminder: 19086 Eighty percent of all people consider 19087 themselves to be above average drivers. 19088% 19089grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines. 19090% 19091Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full 19092value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. 19093 -- Mark Twain 19094% 19095Griffin's Thought: 19096 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. 19097% 19098Grig (the navigator): 19099 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space 19100 armada. 19101Alex (the gunner): 19102 What?!? 19103Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against 19104 overwhelming odds. 19105Alex: It'll be a slaughter! 19106Grig: That's the spirit! 19107 -- The Last Starfighter 19108% 19109Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity: 19110 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today. 19111% 19112Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the 19113groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide. 19114 -- Johnny Carson 19115% 19116Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on 19117better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating 19118during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying, 19119"Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house." 19120 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate 19121maybe, but not in the House." 19122% 19123Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives. 19124 -- Maurice Chevalier 19125% 19126Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good 19127reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional 19128concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere, 19129disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without 19130any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced 19131meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like 19132Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the 19133adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively 19134authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public 19135television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular 19136sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by 19137combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the 19138universe while straddling a giant worm. 19139 -- Arnold Klein 19140% 19141Grub first, then ethics. 19142 -- Bertolt Brecht 19143% 19144GUILLOTINE: 19145 A French chopping center. 19146% 19147Gumperson's Law: 19148 The probability of a given event 19149 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability. 19150% 19151Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people. 19152% 19153Gunter's Airborne Discoveries: 19154 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, 19155 the aircraft will encounter turbulence. 19156 (2) The strength of the turbulence 19157 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee. 19158% 19159GURMLISH: 19160 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents 19161 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth. 19162 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 19163% 19164gurmlish, n.: 19165 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which 19166 prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof 19167 of his mouth. 19168 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 19169% 19170GURU: 19171 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with 19172 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the 19173 phone call you are about to receive from your boss. 19174% 19175guru, n: 19176 A computer owner who can read the manual. 19177% 19178gy-ro-scope: 19179 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also 19180 free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpindicular to 19181 each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the 19182 two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of 19183 torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the 19184 entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on 19185 the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction 19186 of the axis of spin. 19187 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary 19188% 19189hacker, n: 19190 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate 19191things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical 19192philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'. 19193 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body 19194of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in 19195a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight, 19196and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty: 19197 19198 Hacker's Fight Song 19199 19200 He's a Hack! He's a Hack! 19201 He's a guy with the happy knack! 19202 Never bungles, never shirks, 19203 Always gets his stuff to work! 19204 19205All take a drink (important!) 19206% 19207Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers. 19208% 19209Hacker's Guide To Cooking: 192102 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't 19211 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.) 192121 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty 19213 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure) 192141/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too) 192158 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you 19216 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...) 19217"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to 19218 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through 19219 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy 19220 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric 19221 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off 19222 the ceiling(3m). 19223"Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You 19224 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right? 19225 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent 19226 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter. 19227"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge 19228 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and 19229 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin. 19230% 19231Hacker's Law: 19232 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir 19233 a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 19234% 19235Hacker's Law: 19236 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a 19237 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 19238% 19239Hackers of the world, unite! 19240% 19241Hacker's Quicky #313: 19242 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips 19243 Microwave Egg Roll 19244 Chocolate Milk 19245% 19246Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. 19247% 19248"Had he and I but met 19249By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry, 19250We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face, 19251Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me, 19252 And killed him in his place. 19253I shot him dead because -- 19254Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps, 19255Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I -- 19256That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps 19257 No other reason why. 19258Yes; quaint and curious war is! 19259You shoot a fellow down 19260You'd treat, if met where any bar is 19261Or help to half-a-crown." 19262 -- Thomas Hardy 19263% 19264Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some 19265useful hints for the better ordering of the universe. 19266 -- Alfonso the Wise 19267 19268 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 19269 referring to operating system initialization.] 19270% 19271Had this been an actual emergency, we would have 19272fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. 19273% 19274Hail to the sun god 19275He's such a fun god 19276Ra! Ra! Ra! 19277% 19278Hailing frequencies open, Captain. 19279% 19280Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that 19281a big enough majority in any town? 19282 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" 19283% 19284Hale Mail Rule, The: 19285 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least 19286 one of the following: 19287 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter. 19288 (b) Stationery. 19289 (c) Postage stamp. 19290 (d) The letter you are answering. 19291% 19292Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be. 19293But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See? 19294But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee, 19295When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury? 19296% 19297Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.) 19298% 19299Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 19300% 19301Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, 19302and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. 19303% 19304half-done, n: 19305 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, 19306 light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this 19307 and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the 19308 difference between life and death. 19309 19310 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there 19311 in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, 19312 fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, 19313 transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on 19314 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk 19315 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the 19316 man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it? 19317 -- Arthur Naiman 19318% 19319Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank. 19320% 19321Hall's Laws of Politics: 19322 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 19323 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want 19324 something fixed. 19325 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend 19326 military spending, and conservatives social spending in 19327 their own districts). 19328% 19329hand, n: 19330 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human 19331 arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. 19332% 19333Handel's Proverb: 19334 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women! 19335% 19336handshaking protocol, n: 19337 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a 19338 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by 19339 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling. 19340% 19341Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. 19342 -- Pink Floyd 19343% 19344hangover, n: 19345 The wrath of grapes. 19346% 19347Hanlon's Razor: 19348 Never attribute to malice 19349 that which is adequately explained by stupidity. 19350% 19351Hanson's Treatment of Time: 19352 There are never enough hours in a day, 19353 but always too many days before Saturday. 19354% 19355Hanson's Treatment of Time: 19356 There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days 19357 before Saturday. 19358% 19359Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others. 19360% 19361happiness, adv: 19362 An agreeable sensation arising 19363 from contemplating the misery of another. 19364% 19365happiness, adv: 19366 Finding the owner of a lost bikini. 19367% 19368Happiness is a hard disk. 19369% 19370Happiness is a positive cash flow. 19371% 19372Happiness is good health and a bad memory. 19373 -- Ingrid Bergman 19374% 19375Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. 19376 -- Ogden Nash 19377% 19378Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. 19379% 19380Happiness is the greatest good. 19381% 19382Happiness is twin floppies. 19383% 19384Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have. 19385% 19386Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. 19387 -- Oscar Levant 19388% 19389Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length. 19390% 19391Happy feast of the pig! 19392% 19393Happy is the child whose father died rich. 19394% 19395hard, adj: 19396 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those 19397 of other people. 19398% 19399Hard reality has a way of cramping your style. 19400 -- Daniel Dennett 19401% 19402Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance? 19403% 19404Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? 19405 -- Charlie McCarthy 19406% 19407Hardware: 19408 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 19409% 19410Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are Yin 19411and I am Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast 19412sums of money." And so the set forth together, thinking to conquer the world. 19413 Presently they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rage and 19414hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao 19415lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does 19416not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, 19417for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." 19418 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. 19419% 19420hardware, n: 19421 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 19422% 19423Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark 19424The Duke is fond of kittens 19425He likes to take their insides out 19426And use them for his mittens 19427 -- The Thirteen Clocks 19428% 19429Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, 19430Advertising wondrous things. 19431 19432Angels we have heard on High 19433Tell us to go out and Buy. 19434% 19435Harp not on that string. 19436 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 19437% 19438Harriet's Dining Observation: 19439 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats 19440 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread. 19441% 19442Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George 19443and I were waiting with our plates ready. 19444 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help 19445the gravy with." 19446 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to 19447reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round 19448again, Harris and the pie were gone! 19449 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for 19450hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were 19451on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it. 19452 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other. 19453 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried. 19454 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George. 19455 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly 19456theory. 19457 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending 19458to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake." 19459 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he 19460hadn't been carving that pie." 19461 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat" 19462% 19463Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: 19464 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of 19465 equipment ruined. 19466% 19467Harrison's Postulate: 19468For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 19469% 19470Harris's Lament: 19471 All the good ones are taken. 19472% 19473Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as 19474always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that 19475required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There 19476were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50 19477feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit 19478a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the 19479pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral 19480procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club, 19481took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as 19482the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball 19483again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did, 19484waiting for the funeral to pass like that." 19485 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It 19486was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I 19487could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years, 19488you know." 19489% 19490Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us 19491all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for 19492its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs 19493romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any 19494wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They 19495amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses. 19496We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. 19497We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon." 19498 -- Dave Barry 19499% 19500Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with 19501milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the 19502sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do 19503with all that pep and vitality. 19504% 19505Hartley's First Law: 19506 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can 19507 get him to float on his back, you've got something. 19508% 19509Hartley's Second Law: 19510 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 19511% 19512HARTLEY'S SECOND LAW: 19513 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 19514 19515My corollary: 19516 The completely psychotic have all the fun. 19517% 19518Harvard Law: 19519 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, 19520 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the 19521 organism will do as it damn well pleases. 19522% 19523HARVARD: 19524Quarterback: 19525 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with 19526a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinksi 19527has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed 19528has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league. 19529Wide Receiver: 19530 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior 19531Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being 19532fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five 19533or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you 19534asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of 19535those times. 19536YALE: 19537Defense: 19538 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies. 19539Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron 19540Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to 19541the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds 19542out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening 19543coin toss. 19544 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game 19545% 19546Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter? 19547% 19548"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" 19549"Yes; I don't have one." 19550"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..." 19551 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington 19552% 19553Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to 19554defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a 19555non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? 19556 Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This 19557still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only 19558serves to blunt the warning signs. 19559 19560 Long live the revolution! 19561 Have a nice day. 19562% 19563Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed 19564with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard 19565was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. 19566It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural, 19567but a lot harder than it appears. 19568% 19569Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it 19570appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, 19571and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels? Then let us 19572not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its 19573incomparable services as a maker of entertainment. 19574 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 19575% 19576Haste makes waste. 19577 -- John Heywood 19578% 19579Hatcheck girl: 19580 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!" 19581Mae West: 19582 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie." 19583 -- "Night After Night", 1932 19584% 19585Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is 19586stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured. 19587% 19588Hate the sin and love the sinner. 19589 -- Mahatma Gandhi 19590% 19591Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, 19592unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax. 19593 -- Mike Royko 19594% 19595hatred, n: 19596 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. 19597% 19598Have a coke and a smile! 19599 -- John DeLorean 19600% 19601Have a nice day! 19602% 19603Have a nice diurnal anomaly. 19604% 19605Have a place for everything and keep the thing 19606somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom. 19607 -- Mark Twain 19608% 19609Have a taco. 19610 -- P.S. Beagle 19611% 19612Have at you! 19613% 19614Have no friends not equal to yourself. 19615 -- Confucius 19616% 19617Have the courage to take your own thoughts 19618seriously, for they will shape you. 19619 -- Albert Einstein 19620% 19621Have you ever felt like a wounded cow 19622halfway between an oven and a pasture? 19623walking in a trance toward a pregnant 19624 seventeen-year-old housewife's 19625 two-day-old cookbook? 19626 -- Richard Brautigan 19627% 19628Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned? 19629 19630Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me, 19631she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and 19632whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical. 19633So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to 19634remain so. 19635 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady" 19636% 19637Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying 19638to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play' 19639never find the time for play? 19640% 19641Have you flogged your kid today? 19642% 19643Have you locked your file cabinet? 19644% 19645Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, 19646vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk? 19647% 19648Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can 19649photograph an American with his mouth shut! 19650% 19651Have you seen the old man in the closed down market, 19652Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes? 19653In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side 19654Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news. 19655 19656How can you tell me you're lonely, 19657And say for you the sun don't shine? 19658Let me take you by the hand 19659Lead you through the streets of London 19660I'll show you something to make you change your mind... 19661 19662Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission 19663Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears. 19664In our winter city the rain cries a little pity 19665For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care... 19666% 19667Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue? 19668On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air, 19669High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars, 19670Spending every dime, for a wonderful time... 19671If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, 19672Why don't you go where fashion sits, 19673... 19674Dressed up like a million dollar trooper, 19675Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper) 19676Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks, 19677Or umberellas, in their mitts, 19678Puttin' on the Ritz. 19679... 19680If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, 19681Why don't you go where fashion sits, 19682Puttin' on the Ritz. 19683Puttin' on the Ritz. 19684Puttin' on the Ritz. 19685Puttin' on the Ritz. 19686% 19687Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin 19688in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father, 19689then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and 19690eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food, 19691blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After 19692the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home. 19693 -- L.M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman" 19694% 19695Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer. 19696% 19697Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. 19698 -- Martin Mull 19699% 19700Having no talent is no longer enough. 19701 -- Gore Vidal 19702% 19703Having nothing, nothing can he lose. 19704 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 19705% 19706Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods. 19707 -- Socrates 19708% 19709Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly 19710relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with 19711the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar. 19712 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big 19713dog, too!" 19714% 19715"Hawk, we're going to die." 19716"Never say die... and certainly never say we." 19717 -- M*A*S*H 19718% 19719Hawkeye's Conclusion: 19720 It's not easy to play the clown 19721 when you've got to run the whole circus. 19722% 19723He: Do you like Kipling? 19724She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled! 19725% 19726He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?" 19727She: "What do you want me to yell?" 19728 -- Benny Hill 19729% 19730HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. 19731SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. 19732 -- Walt Kelley 19733% 19734He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now. 19735 -- S. Wright 19736% 19737He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all 19738the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home." 19739 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days" 19740% 19741He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural. 19742 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" 19743% 19744He draweth out the thread of his verbosity 19745finer than the staple of his argument. 19746 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 19747% 19748He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. 19749% 19750He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation 19751perfectly delightful. 19752 -- Sydney Smith 19753% 19754He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild 19755and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned 19756all hope of ever behaving "normally." 19757 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 19758% 19759He hadn't a single redeeming vice. 19760 -- Oscar Wilde 19761% 19762He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer, 19763Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude". 19764 -- Stig's Inferno 19765% 19766He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him. 19767 -- Bion 19768% 19769He hath eaten me out of house and home. 19770 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 19771% 19772He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle 19773of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he 19774said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..." 19775 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West" 19776% 19777He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey. 19778 -- John LeCarre 19779% 19780He is considered a most graceful speaker 19781who can say nothing in the most words. 19782% 19783He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. 19784% 19785He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. 19786 -- Samuel Johnson 19787% 19788He is now rising from affluence to poverty. 19789 -- Mark Twain 19790% 19791He is the best of men who dislikes power. 19792 -- Mohammed 19793% 19794He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. 19795% 19796He jests at scars who never felt a wound. 19797 -- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2" 19798% 19799He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent. 19800% 19801He knew the tavernes well in every toun. 19802 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 19803% 19804He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow. 19805 -- Sir Richard Burton 19806% 19807He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told, 19808once when it's explained, and once when he understands it. 19809% 19810He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered. 19811 -- Ring Lardner 19812% 19813He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. 19814 -- Andrew Lang 19815% 19816He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain 19817had fallen to the ground. 19818 -- The Book of Serenity 19819% 19820(He opens a tolm and begins.) 19821 19822 It says: "In the beginning was the Word." 19823 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd. 19824 The Word does not deserve the highest prize, 19825 I must translate it otherwise. 19826 If I am well inspired and not blind. 19827 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind." 19828 Ponder that first line, wait and see, 19829 Lest you should write too hastily. 19830 Is the Mind the all-creating source? 19831 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force." 19832 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen, 19833 That my translation must be changed again. 19834 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact. 19835 I write: "In the beginning was the Act." 19836 -- Goethe's Faust 19837% 19838[He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace. 19839 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear. 19840 19841My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked. 19842 -- Peter Stack, movie review 19843 19844His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge. 19845 -- John Stark, movie review 19846% 19847He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. 19848 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 19849% 19850He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick, 19851And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. 19852 -- O. Nash, on the perfect husband 19853% 19854He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. 19855 -- J.R.R. Tolkien 19856% 19857He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open. 19858 -- Scottish proverb. 19859% 19860He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book. 19861 -- B. Franklin 19862% 19863He that is giddy thinks the world turns round. 19864 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 19865% 19866He that teaches himself has a fool for a master. 19867 -- Benjamin Franklin 19868% 19869He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself. 19870% 19871He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. 19872% 19873He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. 19874 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" 19875% 19876He thought he saw an albatross 19877That fluttered 'round the lamp. 19878He looked again and saw it was 19879A penny postage stamp. 19880"You'd best be getting home," he said, 19881"The nights are rather damp." 19882% 19883He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than 19884three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. 19885In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by 19886slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply, 19887the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'." 19888 -- Eric Van Lustbader 19889% 19890[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had 19891a complete set. 19892 -- Ring Lardner 19893% 19894He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. 19895% 19896He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he 19897made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she 19898disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to 19899dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he 19900told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun." 19901 -- Jack Handey 19902% 19903He was part of my dream, of course -- 19904but then I was part of his dream too. 19905 -- Lewis Carroll 19906% 19907He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. 19908% 19909He was the sort of person whose personality 19910would be greatly improved by a terminal illness. 19911% 19912He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. 19913% 19914He who attacks the fundamentals of the American 19915broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. 19916 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS 19917% 19918He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for 19919the human condition is a fool. 19920 -- Albert Camus 19921% 19922He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser. 19923 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 19924% 19925He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool. 19926 -- Balzac 19927% 19928He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside. 19929 -- Sinbad 19930% 19931He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. 19932% 19933He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over. 19934% 19935He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. 19936% 19937He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet. 19938% 19939He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. 19940% 19941He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much 19942a master of the world as he who is ready to die. 19943 -- Giacomo Leopardi 19944% 19945He who hates vices hates mankind. 19946% 19947He who hesitates is a damned fool. 19948 -- Mae West 19949% 19950He who hesitates is last. 19951% 19952He who hesitates is sometimes saved. 19953% 19954He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day. 19955% 19956He who invents adages for others to peruse 19957takes along rowboat when going on cruise. 19958% 19959He who is content with his lot probably has a lot. 19960% 19961He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist. 19962% 19963He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. 19964% 19965He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't 19966encounter many rivals. 19967 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms" 19968% 19969He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the 19970night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his 19971senses until the day of judgement. 19972 -- Saadi 19973% 19974He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon. 19975% 19976He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. 19977 -- Lao Tsu 19978% 19979He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him. 19980He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him. 19981He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him. 19982% 19983He who knows nothing, knows nothing. 19984But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. 19985And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, 19986 he knows something. Or something like that. 19987% 19988He who knows others is wise. 19989He who knows himself is enlightened. 19990 -- Lao Tsu 19991% 19992He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. 19993 -- Lao Tsu 19994% 19995He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news. 19996 -- Bertolt Brecht 19997% 19998He who laughs last -- missed the punch line. 19999% 20000He who laughs last didn't get the joke. 20001% 20002He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth. 20003% 20004He who laughs last is probably your boss. 20005% 20006He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke. 20007% 20008He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained. 20009% 20010He who laughs, lasts. 20011% 20012He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes. 20013% 20014He who loses, wins the race, 20015And parallel lines meet in space. 20016 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth" 20017% 20018He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. 20019 -- Dr. Johnson 20020% 20021He who minds his own business is never unemployed. 20022% 20023He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will 20024be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known. 20025 -- Sir Richard Burton 20026% 20027He who slings mud generally loses ground. 20028 -- Adlai Stevenson 20029% 20030He who slings mud loses ground. 20031 -- Chinese Proverb 20032% 20033He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. 20034% 20035He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance. 20036% 20037He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned. 20038 -- Sinbad 20039% 20040He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. 20041 -- M.C. Escher 20042% 20043He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion 20044on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general 20045education and culture. 20046 -- Julia Norton McCorkle 20047% 20048HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!! 20049Details at 11. 20050% 20051Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 20052% 20053Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, 20054lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 20055 -- Redd Foxx 20056% 20057Hear about... 20058 the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and 20059 started chiseling on his wife? 20060% 20061Hear about... 20062 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she 20063 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea? 20064% 20065Hear about... 20066 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and 20067 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended 20068 up a chopped libber? 20069% 20070Hear about... 20071 the guru who refused Novacain while having a tooth pulled because 20072 he wanted to transcend dental medication? 20073% 20074Hear about... 20075 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings 20076 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This 20077 Space"? 20078% 20079Hear about... 20080 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated 20081 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the 20082 typewriter's ribbon? 20083% 20084Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus? 20085Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. 20086% 20087Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. 20088From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever. 20089 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce 20090% 20091Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several 20092Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world. 20093% 20094Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. 20095 -- The Wizard of Oz 20096% 20097Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, 20098on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning. 20099 -- Dr. John Lightfoot, 20100 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University 20101% 20102heaven, n: 20103 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of 20104 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while 20105 you expound your own. 20106% 20107Heavier than air flying machines are impossible. 20108 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895 20109% 20110heavy, adj: 20111 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. 20112% 20113Hedonist for hire... no job too easy! 20114% 20115Heisenberg may have been here. 20116% 20117Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. 20118 -- Milton Friedman 20119% 20120Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place, 20121for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be. 20122 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus" 20123% 20124Hell, if you don't try to remake someone, 20125how are they supposed to know you care? 20126% 20127Hell is empty and all the devils are here. 20128 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest" 20129% 20130hell, n: 20131 Truth seen too late. 20132% 20133Heller's Law: 20134 The first myth of management is that it exists. 20135% 20136Heller's Law: 20137 The first myth of management is that it exists. 20138 20139Johnson's Corollary: 20140 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the 20141 organization. 20142% 20143Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you 20144please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you. 20145Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 20146% 20147Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a 20148date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see? 20149And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so 20150you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right 20151smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you 20152don't hear your girl screaming any more? 20153 20154 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high! 20155 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off! 20156 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship! 20157% 20158"Hello," he lied. 20159 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent 20160% 20161Hell's broken loose. 20162 -- Robert Greene 20163% 20164Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory! 20165% 20166Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! 20167% 20168HELP! Man trapped in a human body! 20169% 20170HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! 20171 -- E. E. CUMMINGS 20172% 20173Help a swallow land at Capistrano. 20174% 20175HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib! 20176% 20177Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! 20178% 20179Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants! 20180% 20181Hempstone's Question: 20182 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? 20183% 20184Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without 20185getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering 20186her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or 20187regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make 20188them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging 20189them, without any power of engaging their respect. 20190 -- J. Austen 20191% 20192Her locks an ancient lady gave 20193Her loving husband's life to save; 20194And men -- they honored so the dame -- 20195Upon some stars bestowed her name. 20196 20197But to our modern married fair, 20198Who'd give their lords to save their hair, 20199No stellar recognition's given. 20200There are not stars enough in heaven. 20201% 20202Here about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery? 20203One fortunate cookie... 20204% 20205Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; 20206from President's and Kings to the scum of the earth... 20207% 20208Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. 20209% 20210Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be 20211I've been caught inside this trap too many times 20212I must've walked these steps and said these words a 20213 thousand times before 20214It seems like I know everybody's lines. 20215 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?" 20216% 20217Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when 20218I grow up. 20219 -- Peter Drucker 20220% 20221Here I sit, broken-hearted, 20222All logged in, but work unstarted. 20223First net.this and net.that, 20224And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. 20225 20226The boss comes by, and I play the game, 20227Then I turn back to net.flame. 20228Is there a cure (I need your views), 20229For someone trapped in net.news? 20230 20231I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 20232'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. 20233% 20234Here in my heart, I am Helen; 20235 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. 20236I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael; 20237 I'm Salome, moon of the East. 20238 20239Here in my soul I am Sappho; 20240 Lady Hamilton am I, as well. 20241In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, 20242 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell. 20243 20244I'm all of the glamorous ladies 20245 At whose beckoning history shook. 20246But you are a man, and see only my pan, 20247 So I stay at home with a book. 20248 -- Dorothy Parker 20249% 20250Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical 20251lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your 20252hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you 20253notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This 20254teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never 20255use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. 20256 It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed 20257your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects 20258that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. 20259The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, 20260where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels 20261down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. 20262 -- Dave Barry 20263% 20264Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: 20265if you're alive, it isn't. 20266% 20267Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According 20268to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe 20269marketing anxiety in China. 20270 20271The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the 20272inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". 20273 20274Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 20275 20276The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get 20277a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax 20278tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad 20279satiric vistas do not open up. 20280 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle 20281% 20282HERE LIES LESTER MOORE 20283SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44 20284NO LES 20285NO MOORE 20286 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ 20287% 20288Here lies my wife: her let her lie! 20289Now she's at rest, and so am I. 20290 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife 20291% 20292Here there by tygers. 20293% 20294HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in 20295the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms 20296around as if you're going to fall. 20297 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 20298% 20299Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 20300`Psychic Wins Lottery.' 20301 -- Jay Leno 20302% 20303Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther 20304King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: 20305 20306 * Governmental offices 20307 * Post offices 20308 * Libraries 20309 * Schools 20310 * Banks 20311 * Parts of Palm Beach 20312 20313and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina. 20314 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" 20315% 20316Herth's Law: 20317 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck. 20318% 20319He's been like a father to me, 20320He's the only DJ you can get after three, 20321I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band, 20322And why he don't like me I don't understand. 20323 -- The Byrds 20324% 20325He's dead, Jim. 20326% 20327He's got the heart of a little child, 20328and he keeps it in a jar on his desk. 20329% 20330He's just a politician trying to save both his faces... 20331% 20332He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows. 20333% 20334He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of 20335his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not. 20336 -- Phil Lapsley 20337% 20338He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd 20339be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. 20340% 20341Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. 20342If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms. 20343% 20344Hewett's Observation: 20345 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or 20346 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of 20347 peers similarly engaged. 20348% 20349Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl 20350To get a little more stack; 20351If that's not enough then you lose it all 20352And have to pop all the way back. 20353% 20354Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were 20355gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number? 20356% 20357HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 20358 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to 20359 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because 20360 these words were spoken. 20361% 20362"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" 20363"Whattaya need?" 20364"Oh, about $500." 20365"Whattaya got for collateral?" 20366"Whattaya need?" 20367"How about an eye?" 20368 -- Sam Giancana 20369% 20370Hey, what do you expect from a culture that 20371*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*? 20372 -- Gallagher 20373% 20374Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother 20375Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants. 20376% 20377Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and 20378the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please 20379leave your name and message after the beep... 20380% 20381Hi! How are things going? 20382 (just fine, thank you...) 20383Great! Say, could I bother you for a question? 20384 (you just asked one...) 20385Well, how about one more? 20386 (one more than the first one?) 20387Yes. 20388 (you already asked that...) 20389[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ] 20390May I ask two questions, sir? 20391 (no.) 20392May I ask ONE then? 20393 (nope...) 20394Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question? 20395 (yes, you may.) 20396Sir, how may I ask you a question? 20397 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for 20398 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that 20399 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the 20400 next one) 20401Sir, may I ask nine questions? 20402 (go right ahead...) 20403% 20404Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As 20405you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal 20406height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have 20407a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you probably have the 20408makings of an excellent legal case. Although of course every case is 20409different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training, 20410there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a 20411cabin cruiser. 20412 20413Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our 20414motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.' 20415 -- Dave Barry 20416% 20417Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax. 20418You wanna help on the audit now? 20419% 20420Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person 20421reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, 20422nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. 20423% 20424Hickery Dickery Dock, 20425The mice ran up the clock, 20426The clock struck one, 20427The others escaped with minor injuries. 20428% 20429Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse? 20430 20431 WE CAN HELP! 20432 20433Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment. 20434% 20435Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich; 20436Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich. 20437Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws 20438Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; 20439 We buried him today because 20440 As far as we can tell, he's dead. 20441 20442 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty 20443 Sue Bach and written by the local doggeral catcher; 20444 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele 20445% 20446Higgeldy Piggeldy, 20447Hamlet of Elsinore 20448Ruffled the critics by 20449Dropping this bomb: 20450"Phooey on Freud and his 20451Psychoanalysis, 20452Oedipus, Shmoedipus, 20453I just loved Mom." 20454% 20455Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue. 20456Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a 20457 little of both. 20458 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion" 20459% 20460High heels are a device invented by a woman 20461who was tired of being kissed on the forehead. 20462% 20463High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven: 20464Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high 20465 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it 20466 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the 20467 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and 20468 breakfast cereals, and lima bean- 20469High Priest: Skip a bit, brother. 20470Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take 20471 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. 20472 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the 20473 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither 20474 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is 20475 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached, 20476 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being 20477 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen. 20478All: Amen. 20479 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade" 20480% 20481HIGH TECHNOLOGY: 20482 A California innovation composed 20483 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana. 20484% 20485Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor. 20486% 20487Hildebrant's Principle: 20488 If you don't know where you are going, 20489 any road will get you there. 20490% 20491Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?" 20492Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist." 20493Him: "Really? That's incredible... 20494 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness." 20495 -- "The Jerk" 20496% 20497Hindsight is always 20:20. 20498 -- Billy Wilder 20499% 20500Hindsight is an exact science. 20501% 20502hippogriff, n: 20503 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. 20504 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half 20505 eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter 20506 eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. 20507 The study of zoology is full of surprises. 20508% 20509Hire the morally handicapped. 20510% 20511His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob 20512a lady of her fortune by way of marriage. 20513 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" 20514% 20515...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest. 20516 -- Tommy 20517% 20518"His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling 20519outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..." 20520% 20521His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred 20522to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never 20523claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum- 20524stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit. 20525Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers 20526went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of 20527prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri, 20528goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through 20529the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the 20530Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze 20531rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday. 20532Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique... 20533 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" 20534% 20535His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. 20536% 20537His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water. 20538 -- P.G. Wodehouse 20539% 20540His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. 20541% 20542His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice. 20543 -- Foghorn Leghorn 20544% 20545His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. 20546% 20547Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer 20548of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that 20549continues to this day. 20550 -- Wayne Shannon 20551% 20552History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. 20553% 20554History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history 20555of the Mexican revolution: 20556 20557 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was 20558captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and 20559shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to 20560the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the 20561army where he was then executed." 20562% 20563History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- 20564i.e. none to speak of. 20565 -- Lazarus Long 20566% 20567History is curious stuff 20568 You'd think by now we had enough 20569Yet the fact remains I fear 20570 They make more of it every year. 20571% 20572History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, 20573cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names. 20574 -- Leo Tolstoy 20575% 20576History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians). 20577% 20578History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on. 20579 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" 20580% 20581History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. 20582% 20583History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second 20584time as bedroom farce. 20585% 20586History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time. 20587% 20588History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, 20589periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them 20590asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at 20591intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago 20592state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained. 20593 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species" 20594% 20595Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy, 20596Burn that sausage just a match or two more done. 20597Pour my black old coffee longer, 20598While that smell is gettin' stronger 20599A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want. 20600 20601Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me, 20602With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun, 20603If that coat'll fit you're wearin', 20604The Lord'll bless your sharin' 20605A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want. 20606 20607And let me halfway fall in love, 20608For part of a lonely night, 20609With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. 20610Yes, I could halfway fall in deep-- 20611Into a snugglin', lovin' heap, 20612With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. 20613 -- Elroy Blunt 20614% 20615Hitchcock's Staple Principle: 20616 The stapler runs out of staples 20617 only while you are trying to staple something. 20618% 20619H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. Mencken. 20620There is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 20621 -- Maxwell Bodenhein 20622% 20623H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. 20624Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 20625 -- Maxwell Bodenheim 20626% 20627H.L. Mencken's Law: 20628 Those who can -- do. 20629 Those who can't -- teach. 20630 20631Martin's Extension: 20632 Those who cannot teach -- administrate. 20633 20634 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.] 20635% 20636Hlade's Law: 20637 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- 20638 they will find an easier way to do it. 20639% 20640Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents: 20641An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel. 20642 20643The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional 20644media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters, 20645discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores 20646our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental 20647structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to 20648remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and 20649creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its 20650inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and 20651class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of 20652the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has 20653sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to 20654exist in a more fundamental sense. 20655% 20656Hoare's Law of Large Problems: 20657 Inside every large problem is a small 20658 problem struggling to get out. 20659% 20660Hodie natus est radici frater. 20661% 20662Hoffer's Discovery: 20663 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly 20664 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual. 20665% 20666Hofstadter's Law: 20667 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take 20668 Hofstadter's Law into account. 20669% 20670HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME -- 20671 Take a shot every time: 20672 20673-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!" 20674-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink. 20675-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery. 20676-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go). 20677-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots 20678 if it's one of our heroes on the other end). 20679-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front. 20680-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and 20681 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink). 20682-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground. 20683-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13. 20684-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food). 20685-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter. 20686-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape. 20687-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell". 20688-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive). 20689-- Lebeau wears his apron. 20690-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the 20691 plan is impossible. 20692-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel. 20693% 20694Hollerith, v: 20695 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth. 20696% 20697Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder? 20698Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh? 20699 20700 Tune in again tomorrow: 20701 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! 20702% 20703HOLY MACRO! 20704% 20705Home is the place where, when you have to go there, 20706they have to take you in. 20707 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man" 20708% 20709Home is where the hurt is. 20710% 20711Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a 20712cage is to a cockatoo. 20713 -- George Bernard Shaw 20714% 20715Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat. 20716% 20717"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor. 20718 -- Samuel Butler 20719% 20720Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty. 20721 -- Plato 20722% 20723Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. 20724 -- F.M. Hubbard 20725% 20726Honesty's the best policy. 20727 -- Miguel de Cervantes 20728% 20729honeymoon, n: 20730 A short period of doting between dating and debting. 20731 -- Ray C. Bandy 20732% 20733Honi soit la vache qui rit. 20734% 20735Honk if you love peace and quiet. 20736% 20737honorable, adj: 20738 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative 20739 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; 20740 as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." 20741% 20742Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. 20743 -- Francis Bacon 20744% 20745Hope is a waking dream. 20746 -- Aristotle 20747% 20748Hope not, lest ye be disappointed. 20749 -- M. Horner 20750% 20751Hope that the day after you die is a nice day. 20752% 20753Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. 20754 -- Peanuts 20755% 20756Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much 20757as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with. 20758 -- Moore 20759% 20760Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: 20761 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 20762% 20763Horngren's Observation: 20764 Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 20765% 20766Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. 20767 -- Jack Benny 20768% 20769Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. 20770 -- W.C. Fields 20771% 20772HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N) 20773% 20774HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP... 20775% 20776Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they 20777had towels from my house. 20778 -- Mark Guido 20779% 20780Houdini escaping from New Jersey! 20781% 20782Household hint: 20783 If you are out of cream for your coffee, 20784 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute. 20785% 20786Housework can kill you if done right. 20787 -- Erma Bombeck 20788% 20789Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. 20790 -- Neil Armstrong 20791% 20792How apt the poor are to be proud. 20793 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" 20794% 20795How can you be in two places at once 20796when you're not anywhere at all? 20797% 20798How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind? 20799 -- Schulz 20800% 20801How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? 20802 -- Charles de Gaulle 20803% 20804How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? 20805 -- Pink Floyd 20806% 20807How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our 20808thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another 20809in the waking state? 20810 -- Plato 20811% 20812How can you think and hit at the same time? 20813 -- Yogi Berra 20814% 20815How can you work when the system's so crowded? 20816% 20817How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour? 20818% 20819How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they 20820claim they'll make you? 20821% 20822How come we never talk anymore? 20823% 20824How come wrong numbers are never busy? 20825% 20826How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards 20827in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule? 20828 -- A. Cooper 20829% 20830How could they think women a recreation? 20831Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest? 20832Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm 20833of flesh must prove a luxury of primes; 20834be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth. 20835Which is not to damn the forested China of touching. 20836I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge 20837of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me. 20838The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth. 20839Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins. 20840A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying. 20841I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege, 20842for my life has been eaten in that foliate city. 20843To ambergris. But not for recreation. 20844I would not have lost so much for recreation. 20845 20846Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game 20847of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming. 20848Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness 20849have I come this far, stubborn, disasterous way. 20850But for relish of those archipelagoes of person. 20851To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow, 20852and call and call forever till she turn from bird 20853to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon. 20854To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman 20855in all her fresh particularity of difference. 20856Then oh, through the underwater time of night 20857indecent and still, to speak to her without habit. 20858This I have done with my life, and am content. 20859I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark, 20860standing in the huge singing and the alien world. 20861 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell" 20862% 20863How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? 20864 -- Elliot, "E.T." 20865% 20866"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid 20867to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her." 20868 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat 20869replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were 20870you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be 20871deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your 20872second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested 20873in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then 20874licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but 20875examined his claws. 20876 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been 20877hers and not my own, not ever again." 20878 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 20879% 20880How doth the little crocodile 20881 Improve his shining tail, 20882And pour the waters of the Nile 20883 On every golden scale! 20884 20885How cheerfully he seems to grin, 20886 How neatly spreads his claws, 20887And welcomes little fishes in, 20888 With gently smiling jaws! 20889% 20890How doth the VAX's C-compiler 20891 Improve its object code. 20892And even as we speak does it 20893 Increase the system load. 20894 20895How patiently it seems to run 20896 And spit out error flags, 20897While users, with frustration, all 20898 Tear their clothes to rags. 20899% 20900How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to 20901journalists, and they believe what they read. 20902 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms" 20903% 20904How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them. 20905% 20906How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. 20907% 20908How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? 20909 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero 20910% 20911How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by 20912a waiter at a nice party? 20913 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors 20914d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's 20915inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is 20916cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and 20917bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on. 20918 -- Dave Barry 20919% 20920How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass? 20921% 20922How many weeks are there in a light year? 20923% 20924How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? 20925 -- UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey, Brian Boyle 20926% 20927How much does she love you? 20928Less than you'll ever know. 20929% 20930How much for your women? I want to buy your 20931daughter... how much for the little girl? 20932 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers" 20933% 20934How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work? 20935% 20936How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them? 20937% 20938How often I found where I should be going 20939only by setting out for somewhere else. 20940 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 20941% 20942How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. 20943% 20944How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?" 20945 -- Linus Van Pelt 20946% 20947How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children 20948 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes 20949% 20950How untasteful can you get? 20951% 20952How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. 20953% 20954How you look depends on where you go. 20955% 20956However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity 20957in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea. 20958 -- Tom K. Ryan 20959% 20960However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There 20961is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. 20962There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, 20963or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any 20964powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used 20965sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are 20966not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force 20967government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree 20968with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they 20969threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and 20970tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen 20971that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and 20972"D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to 20973claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more 20974angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group 20975who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll 20976call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step 20977of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans 20978in the name of "conservatism." 20979 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record 20980% 20981HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion 20982that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making 20983changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment 20984was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House 20985amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment 20986was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to. 20987 -- Albuquerque Journal 20988% 20989Hubbard's Law: 20990 Don't take life too seriously; 20991 you won't get out of it alive. 20992% 20993Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!! 20994Oh wait... 20995I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out. 20996Never mind. 20997% 20998Huh? 20999% 21000Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. 21001% 21002Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. 21003Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating 21004table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into 21005a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and 21006walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory 21007x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. 21008% 21009Human kind cannot bear very much reality. 21010 -- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton" 21011% 21012Human resources are human first, and resources second. 21013 -- J. Garbers 21014% 21015Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, 21016responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and 21017immature. 21018 -- Tom Robbins 21019% 21020Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough. 21021 -- Alan Kay 21022% 21023Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people. 21024 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 21025% 21026Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. 21027% 21028Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. 21029 -- William Gilbert 21030% 21031Humorists always sit at the children's table. 21032 -- Woody Allen 21033% 21034"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on 21035chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable 21036jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to 21037state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all 21038through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!" 21039 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham 21040Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged, 21041You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your 21042dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But 21043oil!" 21044 -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who" 21045% 21046Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, 21047Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! 21048All the king's horses, 21049And all the king's men, 21050Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again! 21051% 21052Humpty Dumpty was pushed. 21053% 21054Hurewitz's Memory Principle: 21055 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional 21056 to... to... uh..... 21057% 21058I: 21059 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin 21060 with a silk sow. The same is true of money. 21061II: 21062 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would 21063 probably be twice as good as yesterday was. 21064III: 21065 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters. 21066IV: 21067 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to. 21068V: 21069 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output. 21070 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average 21071 output. 21072 -- Norman Augustine 21073% 21074I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. 21075There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work. 21076 -- Gallagher 21077% 21078I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people 21079are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen 21080carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence 21081terrifies people the most. 21082 -- Bob Dylan 21083% 21084I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster. 21085 -- John Hinckley 21086% 21087I ain't got no quarrle with them Viet Congs. 21088 -- Muhammad Ali 21089% 21090I allow the world to live as it chooses, 21091and I allow myself to live as I choose. 21092% 21093I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor 21094or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority 21095viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. 21096 -- Richard M. Nixon 21097 21098What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? 21099 -- Richard M. Nixon 21100% 21101I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their 21102good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies. 21103 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" 21104% 21105I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human. 21106 -- David Bowie 21107% 21108I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. 21109It is never any good to oneself. 21110 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband" 21111% 21112I always say beauty is only sin deep. 21113 -- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat" 21114% 21115I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's 21116accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures. 21117 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren 21118% 21119I always wake up at the crack of ice. 21120 -- Joe E. Lewis 21121% 21122I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle; 21123'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle 21124I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey -- 21125On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day! 21126I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and 21127The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow, 21128Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters, 21129And a cow. And a cow. 21130 21131The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it 21132Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it! 21133The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute, 21134It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot." 21135Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads 21136One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now: 21137 Two game wardens, seven hunters, 21138 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow. 21139 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song" 21140% 21141I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent 21142person, you will not sell me another book. 21143% 21144I am a computer. 21145I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator. 21146% 21147I am a conscientious man, when I throw 21148rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned. 21149 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is" 21150% 21151I am a deeply superficial person. 21152 -- Andy Warhol 21153% 21154I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend 21155than be one. 21156 -- Clarence Darrow 21157% 21158I am a man: nothing human is alien to me. 21159 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 21160% 21161I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented 21162limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice. 21163 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" 21164% 21165I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else. 21166 -- Winston Churchill 21167% 21168I am changing my name to Chrysler 21169I am going down to Washington, D.C. 21170I will tell some power broker 21171 What they did for Iacocca 21172Will be perfectly acceptable to me! 21173 21174I am changing my name to Chrysler, 21175I am heading for that great receiving line. 21176When they hand a million grand out, 21177 I'll be standing with my hand out, 21178Yessir, I'll get mine! 21179% 21180I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves 21181for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man 21182is to suffer for others. 21183 -- Cesar Chavez 21184% 21185I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three 21186quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts 21187otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me. 21188 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell 21189% 21190I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool. 21191 -- Katharine Whitehorn 21192% 21193I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas, 21194I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art 21195was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators. 21196 -- Steven Wright 21197% 21198I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of 21199pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you 21200that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic 21201globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I 21202can't help it. I was born sneering. 21203 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado" 21204% 21205I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy. 21206 -- Yul Brynner, 1956 21207% 21208I am looking for a honest man. 21209 -- Diogenes the Cynic 21210% 21211I am NOMAD! 21212% 21213I am not a crook. 21214 -- Richard Nixon 21215% 21216I am not a politician and my other habits are also good. 21217 -- A. Ward 21218% 21219I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. 21220 -- William Allen White 21221% 21222I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! 21223 -- Paul McCracken 21224% 21225I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger. 21226 -- Gloria Steinem 21227% 21228I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say 21229(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated. 21230 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason" 21231% 21232I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared 21233for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 21234 -- W. Churchill 21235% 21236I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone 21237has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. 21238 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University 21239% 21240I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. 21241% 21242I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can. 21243% 21244I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so. 21245 -- John Donne 21246% 21247I am two with nature. 21248 -- Woody Allen 21249% 21250I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, 21251I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence. 21252 -- Samuel Johnson 21253% 21254I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the 21255sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are 21256loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. 21257 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, 21258 University of Tennessee at Knoxville 21259% 21260I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards 21261why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the 21262small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this 21263would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency. 21264Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures 21265them completely, even molding the keypads. 21266 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979 21267% 21268I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty, 21269ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities. 21270% 21271I B M 21272U B M 21273We all B M 21274For I B M!!!! 21275 -- H.A.R.L.I.E. 21276% 21277I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. 21278 -- Gilda Radner 21279% 21280I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the 21281perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough, 21282I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years 21283and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone 21284a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years 21285together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My 21286wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching 21287the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to 21288be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting 21289to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And 21290as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and 21291twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only 21292with time. 21293 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman" 21294% 21295I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, 21296particularly if he has income and she is pattable. 21297 -- Ogden Nash 21298% 21299I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute 21300-- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) 21301how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishoners for whom 21302to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or 21303political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely 21304because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or 21305the people who might elect him. 21306 -- John F. Kennedy 21307% 21308I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. 21309 -- G.K. Chesterton 21310% 21311I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime. 21312 -- Woody Allen 21313% 21314I believe that professional wrestling is clean 21315and everything else in the world is fixed. 21316 -- Frank Deford, sports writer 21317% 21318I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac 21319thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the 21320total discrediting of the world of reality. 21321 -- Salvador Dali 21322% 21323I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. 21324 -- Will Rogers 21325% 21326I bet the human brain is a kludge. 21327 -- Marvin Minsky 21328% 21329I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on 21330the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel. 21331 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21332% 21333I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always 21334end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get 21335embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and 21336they'd get mad and eat the snowman. 21337 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21338% 21339I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub. 21340 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during 21341 a visit to a London veterans hospital 21342% 21343I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. 21344 -- Stephen Wright 21345% 21346I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see 21347Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the 21348box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon 21349relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a 21350psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be 21351more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable 21352sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to 21353be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe 21354as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd 21355thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover 21356the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning, 21357your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on 21358your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the 21359apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns 21360down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III. 21361 -- Townsend Davis 21362% 21363I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. 21364 -- Biff Barf 21365% 21366I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference. 21367They're still living in the fifties. 21368 -- Strange de Jim 21369% 21370I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. 21371% 21372I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew. 21373All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself. 21374 -- Firesign Theatre 21375% 21376I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother. 21377% 21378I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't. 21379 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body" 21380% 21381I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half. 21382 -- Jay Gould 21383% 21384I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, 21385and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs. 21386 -- Larry Lee 21387% 21388I can relate to that. 21389% 21390I can resist anything but temptation. 21391% 21392I can see him a'comin' 21393With his big boots on, 21394With his big thumb out, 21395He wants to get me. 21396He wants to hurt me. 21397He wants to bring me down. 21398But some time later, 21399When I feel a little straighter, 21400I'll come across a stranger 21401Who'll remind me of the danger, 21402And then.... I'll run him over. 21403Pretty smart on my part! 21404To find my way... In the dark! 21405 -- Phil Ochs 21406% 21407I can write better than anybody who can write faster, 21408and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. 21409 -- A.J. Liebling 21410% 21411I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. 21412 -- Lillian Hellman 21413% 21414I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos. 21415 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics 21416% 21417I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; 21418If it be man's work I will do it. 21419% 21420I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. 21421 -- Steven Pearl 21422% 21423I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. 21424 -- Joe Walsh 21425% 21426I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. 21427 -- Florence Henderson 21428% 21429I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver. 21430 -- Phil Harris 21431% 21432I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side 21433If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will 21434I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With 21435 Your Socks Outside-in 21436I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love 21437Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride 21438I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well 21439I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better 21440I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time 21441 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay" 21442% 21443I can't mate in captivity. 21444 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married. 21445% 21446I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." 21447It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle. 21448 -- Robert Benchley 21449% 21450I can't stand squealers; hit that guy. 21451 -- Albert Anastasia 21452% 21453I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the 21454forms. You've got to kill the people producing them. 21455 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine 21456 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist 21457 Party Conference 21458% 21459I can't understand it. 21460I can't even understand the people who can understand it. 21461 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands 21462% 21463I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a 21464novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. 21465 -- Fred Allen 21466% 21467I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. 21468I'm frightened of the old ones. 21469 -- John Cage 21470% 21471I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his 21472keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating 21473up a child. 21474 -- Stephen Wright 21475% 21476I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time 21477a woman got pregnant, someone left town. 21478 -- Michael Prichard 21479% 21480I consider a new device or technology to have been 21481culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder. 21482 -- M. Gallaher 21483% 21484I consider the day misspent that I am not 21485either charged with a crime, or arrested for one. 21486 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon 21487% 21488I could never learn to like her -- 21489except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. 21490 -- Mark Twain 21491% 21492I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less. 21493% 21494I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the 21495time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand. 21496 -- Peter Oakley 21497% 21498I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise. 21499% 21500I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why 21501I should have to believe in it in this one. 21502 -- Strange de Jim 21503% 21504I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything! 21505 -- Bart Simpson 21506% 21507I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired. 21508But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired. 21509 -- Rita Gain 21510% 21511I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British. 21512% 21513I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. 21514The curtain was up. 21515% 21516"I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!" 21517 -- Zippy the Pinhead 21518% 21519I disagree with what you say, but will defend 21520to the death your right to tell such LIES! 21521% 21522I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk 21523and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously, 21524unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell 21525you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk. 21526 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 21527% 21528I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink 21529too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does. 21530 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 21531% 21532I do desire we may be better strangers. 21533 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 21534% 21535I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one. 21536% 21537I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an 21538exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds 21539entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail 21540to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to 21541perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again 21542from the top down, the result is always different. 21543 -- Mrs. La Touche 21544% 21545I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman 21546Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, 21547nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church. 21548 -- Thomas Paine 21549% 21550I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter 21551quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks 21552the National League for five years. This is the United States of America 21553and one citizen has as much right to play as another. 21554 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a 21555 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if 21556 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The 21557 Cardinals backed down and played. 21558% 21559I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. 21560 -- Isaac Asimov 21561% 21562I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with 21563sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. 21564 -- Galileo Galilei 21565% 21566I do not know myself and God forbid that I should. 21567 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 21568% 21569I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern, 21570any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology 21571comes nearest to it of any. 21572 -- Henry David Thoreau 21573% 21574I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a 21575butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. 21576 -- Chuang-tzu 21577% 21578I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which, 21579starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance, 21580reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to 21581devote it to research in mathematics. 21582 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183 21583% 21584I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them. 21585I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become 21586tiresome. 21587 -- I Ching 21588% 21589I do not take drugs -- I am drugs. 21590 -- Salvador Dali 21591% 21592I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an 21593Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. 21594 -- James Quirk 21595% 21596I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to 21597run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better 21598husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em. 21599 -- The Best of Will Rogers 21600% 21601I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn! 21602 -- Heard in Bethlehem 21603% 21604I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed. 21605 -- Calvin Trillin 21606% 21607I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't 21608deserve that either. 21609 -- Jack Benny 21610% 21611I don't do it for the money. 21612 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal 21613% 21614I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good. 21615 -- K. Coates 21616% 21617I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. 21618 -- Katherine Cebrian 21619% 21620I don't get no respect. 21621% 21622I don't have an eating problem. I eat. 21623I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem. 21624% 21625I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. 21626 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 21627% 21628I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got 21629hundreds of people waiting to abuse me. 21630 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 21631% 21632I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above 21633globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high." 21634 -- Bruce Baum 21635% 21636I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. 21637 -- Elvis Presley 21638% 21639I don't know what Descartes' got, 21640But booze can do what Kant cannot. 21641 -- Mike Cross 21642% 21643I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much 21644more concerned to know what his grandson will be. 21645 -- Abraham Lincoln 21646% 21647I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home. 21648 -- Ken Olson, president of DEC, 1974 21649% 21650I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate. 21651% 21652I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, 21653because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it. 21654 -- Clarence Darrow 21655% 21656I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky. 21657I don't trust him. 21658 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference 21659 with Dutch Schultz. 21660 21661I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a 21662trigger like another guy wipes his nose. 21663 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with 21664 "Legs" Diamond. 21665% 21666I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game. 21667 -- Cash McCall 21668% 21669I don't mind arguing with myself. 21670It's when I lose that it bothers me. 21671 -- Richard Powers 21672% 21673I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the 21674streets and frighten the horses. 21675 -- Victor Hugo 21676% 21677I don't need no arms around me... 21678I don't need no drugs to calm me... 21679I have seen the writing on the wall. 21680Don't think I need anything at all. 21681No! Don't think I need anything at all! 21682All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. 21683All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. 21684 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III 21685% 21686I don't remember it, but I have it written down. 21687% 21688I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before 21689he starts to practice law. 21690 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother 21691 Attorney-General. 21692% 21693I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets 21694fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. 21695 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21696% 21697I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican 21698Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters. 21699 -- Richard Nixon, 1972 21700% 21701"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down 21702to the sea and drown yourselves." 21703 21704"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why 21705you human beings don't." 21706 -- James Thurber 21707% 21708I don't understand you anymore. 21709% 21710I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight, 21711But there will definitely be a party tonight... 21712% 21713I don't want a pickle, 21714I just wanna ride on my motorcycle. 21715And I don't want to die, 21716I just want to ride on my motorcycle. 21717 -- Arlo Guthrie 21718% 21719I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations. 21720 -- Jean Anouilh 21721% 21722I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. 21723I want to achieve immortality through not dying. 21724 -- Woody Allen 21725% 21726I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore. 21727% 21728I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment. 21729 -- Woody Allen 21730% 21731I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive? 21732% 21733I dote on his very absence. 21734 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 21735% 21736I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on 21737earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has 21738succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a 21739goal in front and not behind. 21740 -- George Bernard Shaw 21741% 21742I drink to make other people interesting. 21743 -- George Jean Nathan 21744% 21745I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it. 21746% 21747I enjoy the time that we spend together. 21748% 21749I exist, therefore I am paid. 21750% 21751I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. 21752% 21753I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head... 21754% 21755I fell asleep reading a dull book, 21756and I dreamt that I was reading on, 21757so I woke up from sheer boredom. 21758% 21759I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an 21760honest difference of opinion. 21761 - Isaac Asimov 21762% 21763I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts. 21764I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups. 21765 -- Steven Wright 21766% 21767I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40. 21768 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd 21769 just shot. 21770% 21771I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble. 21772 -- Augustus Caesar 21773% 21774I gave my love an Apple, that had no core; 21775I gave my love a building, that had no floor; 21776I wrote my love a program, that had no end; 21777I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'. 21778 21779How can there be an Apple, that has no core? 21780How can there be a building, that has no floor? 21781How can there be a program, that has no end? 21782How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'? 21783 21784An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core! 21785A building that's perfect, it has no flaw! 21786A program with GOTOs, it has no end! 21787I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'! 21788% 21789I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. 21790 -- Mae West 21791% 21792I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. 21793 -- Chauncey Depew 21794% 21795I get up each morning, gather my wits. 21796Pick up the paper, read the obits. 21797If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 21798So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 21799 21800Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? 21801My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. 21802But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, 21803And think of the places my get-up has been. 21804 -- Pete Seeger 21805% 21806I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who? 21807 -- Beauregard Bugleboy 21808% 21809I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. 21810 -- H.L. Mencken 21811% 21812I go the way that Providence dictates. 21813 -- Adolf Hitler 21814% 21815"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I 21816pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He 21817said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors 21818opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked 21819at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around 21820with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. 21821Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said 21822'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...' 21823The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank... 21824It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you 21825attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we 21826would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones, 21827I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, 21828and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never 21829called me again." 21830 -- Stephen Wright 21831% 21832I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now 21833when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and 21834farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go." 21835 -- Steven Wright 21836% 21837I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were 21838wearing masks for. 21839 -- James Boren 21840% 21841I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add. 21842 -- Steven Wright 21843% 21844I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie 21845theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the 21846other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession 21847stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a 21848long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children 21849$2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to 21850a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95. 21851 -- Steven Wright 21852% 21853I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals. 21854 -- Butch Cassidy 21855% 21856I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up 21857and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. 21858 21859No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the 21860human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when 21861you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is 21862generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid 21863puppet. 21864 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21865% 21866I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit 21867was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse 21868being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities. 21869 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21870% 21871I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took 21872time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to 21873win -- or even how you won. 21874 -- Cash McCall 21875% 21876I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of 21877other people... Certainty is just an emotion. 21878 -- Hal Clement 21879% 21880I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him 21881Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat 21882one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear. 21883 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21884% 21885I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought. 21886 -- D. Cavett 21887% 21888I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and 21889we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." 21890 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 21891% 21892I had a dream last night... 21893I dreamt about 1976. 21894I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage... 21895I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant. 21896Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare... 21897so I went back to sleep again. 21898 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72" 21899% 21900I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond 21901depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might 21902see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing 21903through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly 21904why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after 21905dinner and I let it go. 21906 -- Winston Churchill 21907% 21908I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind 21909in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami 21910Beach." 21911 -- The Stunt Man 21912% 21913I had another dream the other day about government financial management 21914people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they 21915had stepped out of a painting by Goya. 21916% 21917I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small 21918and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a 21919painting by Goya. 21920 -- Stravinsky 21921% 21922I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black 21923people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people 21924put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any 21925power to make things different is a bitch. 21926 -- Miles Davis 21927% 21928I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, 21929so I took his shoes. 21930 -- Dave Barry 21931% 21932I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and 21933implement a PL/1 compiler. 21934 -- T. Cheatham 21935% 21936I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense. 21937% 21938I hate babies. They're so human. 21939 -- H.H. Munro 21940% 21941I hate dying. 21942 -- Dave Johnson 21943% 21944I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means 21945it's going to be up all night. 21946 -- Steven Wright 21947% 21948I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, 21949and I know how bad I am. 21950 -- Samuel Johnson 21951% 21952I hate quotations. 21953 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 21954% 21955I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park 21956there's nothing else to do. 21957 -- Lenny Bruce 21958% 21959I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a 21960ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon. 21961 -- Willow 21962% 21963I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I 21964open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the 21965box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get 21966it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I 21967had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend 21968of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a 21969call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone 21970doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I 21971didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens. 21972 -- S. Wright 21973% 21974I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here, 21975Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me 21976and just keeps on typing. 21977 -- Stephen Wright 21978% 21979I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, 21980the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to 21981sit down together at the table of brotherhood. 21982 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 21983% 21984I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When 21985I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I... 21986I just... to make a long story short..." 21987 -- Stephen Wright 21988% 21989I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up. 21990 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters. 21991% 21992I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. 21993I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen 21994some of it. 21995 -- Steven Wright 21996% 21997I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me, 21998And what can be the use of him is more than I can see. 21999He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head; 22000And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed. 22001 22002The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow-- 22003Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow; 22004For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball, 22005And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all. 22006 -- R.L. Stevenson 22007% 22008I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. 22009I spent last summer folding it. 22010People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". 22011 -- Steven Wright 22012% 22013I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. 22014 -- Richard Diran 22015% 22016I have a simple philosophy: 22017 22018 Fill what's empty. 22019 Empty what's full. 22020 Scratch where it itches. 22021 -- A.R. Longworth 22022% 22023I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once 22024in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I 22025got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!" 22026 -- Steven Wright 22027% 22028I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell. 22029% 22030I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, 22031but I can't prove it. 22032% 22033I have a very small mind and must live with it. 22034 -- E. Dijkstra 22035% 22036I have a very strange feeling about this... 22037 -- Luke Skywalker 22038% 22039"I have accepted Provolone into my life!" 22040 -- Zippy the Pinhead 22041% 22042I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to 22043sacrifice my wife's brother. 22044 -- Artemus Ward 22045% 22046I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes 22047to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form. 22048 -- Winston Churchill, 1903 22049% 22050I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it. 22051 -- Steven Wright 22052% 22053I have become me without my consent. 22054% 22055I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which 22056would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark." 22057 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 22058% 22059I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, 22060which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'. 22061 -- Dave Barry 22062% 22063I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per 22064cent an idiot. 22065 -- George Bernard Shaw 22066% 22067I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable 22068to sit still in a room. 22069 -- Blaise Pascal 22070% 22071I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. 22072I tell them the truth and they never believe me. 22073 -- Camillo Di Cavour 22074% 22075I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and 22076to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and 22077support of the woman I love. 22078 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication 22079 of the British throne in order to marry the American 22080 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. 22081% 22082I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience 22083most of them are trash. 22084 -- Sigmund Freud 22085% 22086I have gained this by philosophy: 22087that I do without being commanded what others 22088do only from fear of the law. 22089 -- Aristotle 22090% 22091I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my 22092wife's brother. 22093 -- Artemus Ward 22094% 22095I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. 22096 -- Edgar Allan Poe 22097% 22098I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent 22099of a prostate operation. 22100 -- Malcolm Muggeridge 22101% 22102I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning. 22103 -- Plato 22104% 22105I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. 22106I do believe that is a record. 22107 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words 22108% 22109I have learned silence from the talkative, 22110toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind. 22111 -- Kahlil Gibran 22112% 22113I have lots of things in my pockets; 22114None of them is worth anything. 22115Sociopolitical whines aside, 22116Gan you give me, gratis, free, 22117The price of half a gallon 22118Of Gallo extra bad 22119And most of the bus fare home. 22120% 22121I have made mistakes but I have never made the 22122mistake of claiming that I have never made one. 22123 -- James Gordon Bennett 22124% 22125I have made this letter longer than usual 22126because I lack the time to make it shorter. 22127 -- Blaise Pascal 22128% 22129I have more hit points that you can possible imagine. 22130% 22131I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY! 22132 -- Cerebus, #82 22133% 22134I have never been one to sacrifice 22135my appetite on the altar of appearance. 22136 -- A.M. Readyhough 22137% 22138I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. 22139 -- Mark Twain 22140% 22141I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck. 22142 -- Rob Pike, on X. 22143 22144Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be 22145gone in two years. He was half right. 22146 -- Dennis Ritchie 22147 22148Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong. 22149 -- Jim Gettys 22150% 22151I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts 22152already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic 22153establishment. 22154 -- Alan Bennett 22155% 22156I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, 22157in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals. 22158 -- Thoreau 22159% 22160I have no doubt the Devil grins, 22161As seas of ink I spatter. 22162Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins-- 22163The other kind don't matter. 22164 -- Robert W. Service 22165% 22166I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his 22167own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks 22168of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin. 22169 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 22170% 22171I have not yet begun to byte! 22172% 22173I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land. 22174 -- George Wallace 22175% 22176I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, 22177and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would 22178be blockhead enough to have me. 22179 -- Abraham Lincoln 22180% 22181I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart. 22182 -- Jimmy Carter 22183% 22184I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. 22185 -- Publilius Syrus 22186% 22187I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these 22188Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal 22189advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages 22190for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and 22191after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government 22192of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only 22193commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even 22194the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the 22195reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations... 22196 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were 22197a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the 22198execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some 22199justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I 22200venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will 22201ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if 22202made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to 22203declare the construction of such machinery impracticable... 22204 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed 22205by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its 22206advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I 22207think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse 22208calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country. 22209In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not 22210be economized by the aid of machinery. 22211 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher" 22212% 22213I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. 22214 -- Kehlog Albran 22215% 22216I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems. 22217% 22218I have that old biological urge, 22219I have that old irresistible surge, 22220I'm hungry. 22221% 22222I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. 22223 -- Oscar Wilde 22224% 22225I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink. 22226 -- Richard Burton 22227% 22228I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with 22229the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest 22230authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year. 22231 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall 22232 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior 22233 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new 22234 science of data processing), c. 1957 22235% 22236I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. 22237 -- John D. Rockefeller 22238% 22239I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when 22240you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated. 22241 -- Poul Anderson 22242% 22243I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. 22244% 22245I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. 22246% 22247I hear the sound that the machines make, 22248and feel my heart break, just for a moment. 22249% 22250I hear what you're saying but I just don't care. 22251% 22252I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very 22253interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell 22254more than he knows. 22255 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 22256% 22257I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing... 22258 -- Thomas Jefferson 22259% 22260I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips, 22261I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips, 22262My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here, 22263But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir. 22264 22265The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why, 22266For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie, 22267I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine, 22268So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine. 22269 22270 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine" 22271% 22272I hope you're not pretending to be evil while 22273secretly being good. That would be dishonest. 22274% 22275I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do? 22276 -- Raoul Duke 22277% 22278I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. 22279I think I saw God. 22280 -- B. Hathrume Duk 22281% 22282I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. 22283He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial 22284and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I 22285ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed. 22286 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times" 22287% 22288I just got out of the hospital after a 22289speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. 22290 -- S. Wright 22291% 22292I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field. 22293 -- Casey Stengel 22294% 22295I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. 22296 -- Bill Hoest 22297% 22298"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." 22299"Did you ever see a doctor?" 22300"No, just spots." 22301% 22302I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. 22303I haven't had time for tobacco since. 22304 -- Arturo Toscanini 22305% 22306I knew her before she was a virgin. 22307 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day 22308% 22309I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off... 22310If I could just remember what it was. 22311% 22312I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better 22313take one along that worked. 22314 -- Raymond Chandler 22315% 22316I know if you been talkin' you done said 22317just how suprised you wuz by the living dead. 22318You wuz suprised that they could understand you words 22319and never respond once to all the truth they heard. 22320But don't you get square! 22321There ain't no rule that says they got to care. 22322They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind. 22323% 22324I know not how I came into this, 22325shall I call it a dying life or a living death? 22326 -- St. Augustine 22327% 22328I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but 22329World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. 22330 -- Albert Einstein 22331% 22332I know on which side my bread is buttered. 22333 -- John Heywood 22334% 22335I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! 22336The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. 22337 -- Charles Schulz 22338% 22339I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when 22340you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination. 22341 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 22342% 22343I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all 22344custody means. Get even with your old lady. 22345 -- Lenny Bruce 22346% 22347"I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?' 22348Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track 22349myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the 22350world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself 22351one question: `Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?" 22352 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211 22353% 22354I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, 22355but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what 22356it means. 22357% 22358I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said, 22359but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant. 22360% 22361I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere. 22362% 22363I lately lost a preposition; 22364It hid, I thought, beneath my chair 22365And angrily I cried, "Perdition! 22366Up from out of under there." 22367 22368Correctness is my vade mecum, 22369And straggling phrases I abhor, 22370And yet I wondered, "What should he come 22371Up from out of under for?" 22372 -- Morris Bishop 22373% 22374I lay my head on the railroad tracks, 22375Waitin' for the double E. 22376The railroad don't run no more. 22377Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus] 22378 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me. 22379 These young girls won't let me be, 22380 Lord have mercy on me! 22381 Woe is me! 22382 22383Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood, 22384Well, I ain't naming names. 22385But she really worked me over good, 22386She was just like Jesse James. 22387She really worked me over good, 22388She was a credit to her gender. 22389She put me through some changes, boy, 22390Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus] 22391 22392I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar, 22393She asked me if I'd beat her. 22394She took me back to the Hyatt House, 22395I don't want to talk about it. [chorus] 22396 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me" 22397% 22398I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they 22399didn't is just lyin'! 22400 -- Willie Nelson 22401% 22402I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. 22403 -- Art Leo 22404% 22405I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull 22406that kidnapped Europa. 22407 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 22408% 22409I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to 22410promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want 22411peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of 22412the way and let them have it. 22413 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 22414% 22415I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. 22416% 22417I like young girls. Their stories are shorter. 22418 -- Tom McGuane 22419% 22420I like your game but we have to change the rules. 22421% 22422I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes. 22423% 22424I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts 22425to bite people themselves. 22426 -- August Strindberg 22427% 22428I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. 22429I may not get there, but I'm going first class. 22430 -- Art Buchwald 22431% 22432I love being married. It's so great to find that one special 22433person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 22434 -- Rita Rudner 22435% 22436I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then 22437someone takes them away. 22438 -- Nancy Mitford 22439% 22440I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog. 22441It's a rat with a thyroid problem. 22442% 22443I love mankind ... It's people I hate. 22444 -- Schulz 22445% 22446I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known. 22447 -- Walt Disney 22448% 22449I love the smell of napalm in the morning. 22450 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now" 22451% 22452I love treason but hate a traitor. 22453 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 22454% 22455I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last. 22456 -- Elvis Costello 22457% 22458I love you, not only for what you are, 22459but for what I am when I am with you. 22460 -- Roy Croft 22461% 22462I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might 22463commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it 22464irresistable. 22465 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer" 22466% 22467I married beneath me. All women do. 22468 -- Lady Nancy Astor 22469% 22470I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up! 22471% 22472I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously. 22473 -- Doctor Graper 22474% 22475I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. 22476 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 22477% 22478I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything. 22479 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo" 22480% 22481I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at 22482clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. 22483 -- Steven Wright 22484% 22485I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a 22486congressman. 22487 -- Will Rogers 22488% 22489I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's; 22490I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create. 22491 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" 22492% 22493I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. 22494 -- Alexander Woolcott 22495% 22496I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a 22497week sometimes to make it up. 22498 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" 22499% 22500I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts! 22501% 22502I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts. 22503% 22504I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres 22505and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit 22506-- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if 22507we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand 22508feet for the base. 22509 22510And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson 22511sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770 22512m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to 22513roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the 22514sun. Very little air will leak over the edges. 22515 22516Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface 22517area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the 22518crowding. 22519 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld" 22520% 22521I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head. 22522 -- Fratianno 22523% 22524I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the 22525legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that 22526way. 22527 -- Jay Gould 22528% 22529I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted 22530something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something. 22531 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil 22532% 22533I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget. 22534 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the 22535 Royal Family 22536% 22537I never did it that way before. 22538% 22539I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the 22540places they do today. 22541 -- Will Rogers 22542% 22543I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they 22544could do was to go away. 22545% 22546I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. 22547 -- Groucho Marx 22548% 22549I never killed a man that didn't deserve it. 22550 -- Mickey Cohen 22551% 22552I never loved another person the way I loved myself. 22553 -- Mae West 22554% 22555I never made a mistake in my life. 22556I thought I did once, but I was wrong. 22557 -- Lucy Van Pelt 22558% 22559I never met a man I didn't want to fight. 22560 -- Lyle Alzado, professional footbal lineman 22561% 22562I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. 22563% 22564I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook. 22565% 22566I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; 22567what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats. 22568% 22569I never saw a purple cow 22570I never hope to see one 22571But I can tell you anyhow 22572I'd rather see than be one. 22573 -- Gellett Burgess 22574 22575I've never seen a purple cow 22576I never hope to see one 22577But from the milk we're getting now 22578There certainly must be one 22579 -- Odgen Nash 22580 22581Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow" 22582I'm sorry now I wrote it 22583But I can tell you anyhow 22584I'll kill you if you quote it. 22585 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later 22586% 22587I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way. 22588% 22589I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. 22590 -- W.C. Fields 22591% 22592I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. 22593 -- G.B. Shaw 22594% 22595I only know what I read in the papers. 22596 -- Will Rogers 22597% 22598I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a 22599letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished 22600words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can 22601resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But 22602then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices 22603that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or 22604a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. 22605 -- Letters From Colette 22606% 22607I owe, I owe, 22608It's off to work I go... 22609% 22610I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a 22611toilet seat. 22612 -- Michael McShane 22613% 22614I owe the public nothing. 22615 -- J.P. Morgan 22616% 22617I own my own body, but I share. 22618% 22619I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as 22620the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must 22621not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we 22622must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts, 22623in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from 22624wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they 22625will be happy. 22626 -- Thomas Jefferson 22627% 22628I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind 22629of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances 22630being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms 22631of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like 22632a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments 22633as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease. 22634 -- Dave Barry 22635% 22636I pledge allegiance to the flag 22637of the United States of America 22638and to the republic for which it stands, 22639one nation, 22640indivisible, 22641with liberty 22642and justice for all. 22643 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892 22644% 22645I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 22646 -- S. Wright 22647% 22648I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. 22649 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger 22650% 22651I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war. 22652 -- Cicero 22653 22654Even peace may be purchased at too high a price. 22655 -- Poor Richard 22656% 22657I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. 22658 -- William F. Buckley 22659% 22660I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats 22661on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. 22662 -- Stephen Wright 22663% 22664I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. 22665 -- Steven Wright 22666% 22667I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time. 22668 -- Stephen Wright 22669% 22670I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time. 22671 -- Stephen Wright 22672% 22673I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of 22674tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If 22675they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go 22676crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible. 22677These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even 22678aspire to crudeness. 22679 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic" 22680% 22681I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth. 22682 -- Neil Armstrong 22683% 22684I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of that is -- 'Be 22685what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- 'Never 22686imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others 22687that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had 22688been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.' 22689% 22690I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because 22691parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the 22692motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality? 22693 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town." 22694 "What's it about?" 22695 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals." 22696 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!" 22697 -- Ian Shoales 22698% 22699I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic. 22700To see the sights I'm never going to visit. 22701% 22702I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction. 22703 -- Aneurin Bevan 22704% 22705I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as 22706Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet 22707trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to 22708go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports 22709that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it. 22710 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 22711% 22712I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines. 22713 -- Marilyn Chambers 22714% 22715I really hate this damned machine 22716I wish that they would sell it. 22717It never does quite what I want 22718But only what I tell it. 22719% 22720I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens 22721who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known 22722something of what has been passing in their time. 22723 -- H. Truman 22724% 22725I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the 22726wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just 22727flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down... 22728Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said 22729"Cut it out." 22730 -- Stephen Wright 22731% 22732I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the 22733reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if 22734I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out. 22735 -- Stephen King 22736% 22737I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on 22738believing that some men are my equals. 22739 -- Brigid Brophy 22740% 22741I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. 22742% 22743I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the 22744morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for 22745the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to 22746invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed 22747the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I 22748asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said, 22749"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint 22750that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed. 22751 -- Alistair Cooke 22752% 22753I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office 22754to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar, 22755and didn't come back for 20 years. 22756% 22757I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some 22758kind of loophole. 22759 -- Leo Kessler 22760% 22761I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it 22762looks like I'm the only one moving. 22763 -- Steven Wright 22764% 22765I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education. 22766 -- Wilson Mizner 22767% 22768I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every 22769woman should marry -- and no man. 22770 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair" 22771% 22772I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New 22773England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be 22774raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in 22775New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for 22776countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere 22777if they don't get it. 22778 -- Mark Twain 22779% 22780"I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5." 22781He said,"What you need is to grow up, son." 22782I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old, 22783And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun." 22784 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song" 22785% 22786I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... 22787and then natural selection reared its ugly head. 22788% 22789I saw a man pursuing the Horizon, 22790'Round and round they sped. 22791I was disturbed at this, 22792I accosted the man, 22793"It is futile," I said. 22794"You can never--" 22795"You lie!" He cried, 22796and ran on. 22797 -- Stephen Crane 22798% 22799I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. 22800 -- Stephen Wright 22801% 22802I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid 22803never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that 22804deserve a series?" 22805% 22806I saw what you did and I know who you are. 22807% 22808I see a bad moon rising. 22809I see trouble on the way. 22810I see earthquakes and lightnin' 22811I see bad times today. 22812Don't go 'round tonight, 22813It's bound to take your life. 22814There's a bad moon on the rise. 22815 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising" 22816% 22817I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope 22818they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em. 22819 -- The Best of Will Rogers 22820% 22821I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to 22822the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about 22823us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart. 22824 -- The Best of Will Rogers 22825% 22826I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear, 22827I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear. 22828The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud, 22829They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud." 22830The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff, 22831"We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..." 22832I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf, 22833It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself. 22834But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked 22835"The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and 22836 knocked, 22837I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut, 22838"Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But... 22839 22840 "Is that all?" asked Alice. 22841 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." 22842% 22843I sent a message to another time, 22844But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe, 22845I sent a message to another plane, 22846Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive. 22847... 22848I met someone who looks at lot like you, 22849She does the things you do, but she is an IBM. 22850She's only programmed to be very nice, 22851But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near, 22852She tells me that she likes me very much, 22853But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear. 22854... 22855I realize that it must seem so strange, 22856That time has rearranged, but time has the final word, 22857She knows I think of you, she reads my mind, 22858She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world. 22859 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095" 22860% 22861I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger -- 22862a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine 22863in his veins. 22864 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee 22865% 22866I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether 22867it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether 22868he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right 22869that matters, but victory. 22870 -- Adolph Hitler 22871% 22872I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck. 22873 -- graffito in Los Angeles 22874 22875On a clear day, 22876U.C.L.A. 22877 -- graffito in San Francisco 22878 22879There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our 22880lungs there'd be no place to put it all. 22881 -- Robert Orben 22882% 22883I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. 22884 -- Los Angeles graffito 22885% 22886I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than 22887most western countries. 22888 -- George Burns 22889% 22890I smell a wumpus. 22891% 22892I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker 22893Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it. 22894 -- Woody Allen 22895% 22896I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his 22897ability. 22898 -- Oscar Wilde 22899% 22900I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 22901 -- Stephen Wright 22902% 22903I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone. 22904 -- Stephen Wright 22905% 22906I steal. 22907 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board 22908 22909Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas. 22910 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living 22911% 22912I stick my neck out for nobody. 22913 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca" 22914% 22915I stood on the leading edge, 22916The eastern seaboard at my feet. 22917"Jump!" said Yoko Ono 22918I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried. 22919Go on and give it a try, 22920Why prolong the agony, all men must die. 22921 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking" 22922% 22923I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to 22924see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. 22925 -- Shirley Temple 22926% 22927I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a 22928department store, and he asked for my autograph. 22929 -- Shirley Temple 22930% 22931I suggest a new stategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win. 22932 -- CP30 22933% 22934I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school, 22935Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool, 22936Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band, 22937That needs a helping hand, 22938Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face. 22939 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May" 22940% 22941I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 22942country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 22943I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 22944are worth considering, to wit: 22945 22946[110.13]: 22947 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not 22948 to interfere with oncoming traffic." 22949 22950[22.17b]: 22951 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best 22952 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball] 22953 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it 22954 on the highway." 22955 22956[41.16]: 22957 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really 22958 asking for it." 22959% 22960I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 22961country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 22962I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 22963are worth considering, to wit: 22964 22965[131.16d]: 22966 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle 22967 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making 22968 a U-turn on a divided highway." 22969 22970[96.7b]: 22971 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the 22972 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are 22973 traveling more than 60 MPH." 22974 22975[110.13]: 22976 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not 22977 to interfere with oncoming traffic." 22978% 22979I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 22980country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 22981I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 22982are worth considering, to wit: 22983 22984[173.15b]: 22985 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember 22986 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way." 22987 22988[141.2a]: 22989 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6' 22990 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into 22991 a 5' parking space." 22992 22993[105.31]: 22994 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly. 22995 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong." 22996% 22997I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad 22998thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself. 22999% 23000"I suppose you expect me to talk." 23001"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die." 23002 -- Goldfinger 23003% 23004I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it 23005is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh. 23006 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain" 23007% 23008I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking 23009pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the 23010munchies, and ate the other half. 23011 23012Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the 23013bottle stuck up my nose. 23014 -- Rodney Dangerfield 23015% 23016I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track 23017and they shot my horse with the opening gun. 23018 23019Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my 23020fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said, 23021"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks." 23022 -- Rodney Dangerfield 23023% 23024I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt 23025the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, 23026I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. 23027 -- Rodney Dangerfield 23028% 23029I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad 23030kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought. 23031 -- Rodney Dangerfield 23032% 23033I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check. 23034 -- Escher 23035% 23036I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward 23037or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark. 23038 -- Woody Allen 23039% 23040I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of 23041being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being 23042sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told 23043that I am! 23044 -- Monty Python 23045% 23046"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'" 23047"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manafacturers of dairy products." 23048 -- The Life of Brian 23049% 23050I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee. 23051 -- Shakespeare 23052% 23053I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's 23054paranoid and the other half's out to get him. 23055% 23056I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. 23057 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23058% 23059I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so 23060desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly. 23061 -- Saki, "Reginald on Worries" 23062% 23063I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. 23064 -- Oscar Wilde 23065% 23066I think that I shall never hear 23067A poem lovelier than beer. 23068The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap, 23069With golden base and snowy cap. 23070The stuff that I can drink all day 23071Until my mem'ry melts away. 23072Poems are made by fools, I fear 23073But only Schlitz can make a beer. 23074% 23075I think that I shall never see 23076A billboard lovely as a tree. 23077Indeed, unless the billboards fall 23078I'll never see a tree at all. 23079 -- Nash 23080% 23081I think that I shall never see 23082A thing as lovely as a tree. 23083But as you see the trees have gone 23084They went this morning with the dawn. 23085A logging firm from out of town 23086Came and chopped the trees all down. 23087But I will trick those dirty skunks 23088And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. 23089% 23090I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to 23091remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after. 23092 -- Chick 23093% 23094I think the world is run by C students. 23095 -- Al McGuire 23096% 23097I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect." 23098I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone 23099say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer 23100effect." 23101 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23102% 23103I think, therefore I am... I think. 23104% 23105I think there's a world market for about five computers. 23106 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943 23107% 23108I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for 23109paneling. 23110 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23111% 23112I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones. 23113 -- T.S. Eliot 23114% 23115I think we're all Bozos on this bus. 23116 -- Firesign Theatre 23117% 23118I think we're in trouble. 23119 -- Han Solo 23120% 23121I think your opinions are reasonable, 23122except for the one about my mental instability. 23123 -- Psychology Professor, Farifield University 23124% 23125"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!" 23126"As a programmer, yes," she replied, 23127"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!" 23128"You said you were blonde, but you lied!" 23129Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too, 23130They had so much in common, you'd say. 23131They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks, 23132And prompts that were cute or risque'. 23133He sent her a picture of his brother Sam, 23134She sent one from some past high school day, 23135And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives, 23136If they hadn't met in L.A. 23137"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust. 23138He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!" 23139And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest 23140If you were not so totally weird!" 23141If she had not said what he wanted to hear, 23142And he had not done just the same, 23143They'd have been far more honest, and never have met, 23144And would not have had fun with the game. 23145 -- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of 23146 Electronic Mail" 23147% 23148I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces, 23149working for scale. 23150 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger" 23151% 23152I thought YOU silenced the guard! 23153% 23154I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." 23155One of them said, "So will you." 23156 -- Rodney Dangerfield 23157% 23158I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle 23159of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. 23160It's about Russia. 23161 -- Woody Allen 23162% 23163I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce 23164desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of 23165the quest. 23166 -- Madeleine Gobeil 23167% 23168I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything 23169constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast 23170and drown myself in the noise. 23171 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer" 23172% 23173I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty. 23174 -- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari 23175% 23176I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity. 23177 -- Bill Veeck 23178% 23179I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out. 23180 -- Judge Harold T. Stone 23181% 23182I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. 23183The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 23184degrees today," and I said "Oops." 23185 23186In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so 23187I never have to go upstairs. 23188 23189I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in 23190front of it in only eight minutes. 23191 -- Stephen Wright 23192% 23193I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. 23194 -- Carole Wallach. 23195% 23196I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well. 23197 -- Woodrow Wilson 23198% 23199I use technology in order to hate it more properly. 23200 -- Nam June Paik 23201% 23202I used to be a rebel in my youth. 23203This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. 23204Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own 23205problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by 23206a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device. 23207I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better 23208I feel these days. 23209 -- J. Feiffer 23210% 23211I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused. 23212 -- Elvis Costello 23213% 23214I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. 23215 -- Mae West 23216% 23217I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me, 23218I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see, 23219I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen, 23220With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down, 23221And I'm, uh, feelin' mean, 23222 No more, Mr. Nice Guy, 23223 No more, Mr. Clean, 23224 No more, Mr. Nice Guy, 23225They say "He's sick, he's obscene". 23226 23227My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes, 23228Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide, 23229I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose, 23230The reverend Smithy, he recognized me, 23231And punched me in the nose, he said, 23232(chorus) 23233He said "You're sick, you're obscene". 23234 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" 23235% 23236I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. 23237% 23238I used to have a drinking problem. 23239Now I love the stuff. 23240% 23241I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had 23242to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway. 23243 23244I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks 23245like I'm the only one moving. 23246 23247I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know 23248the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going 23249to be out that long." 23250 23251I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the ond one out. Now 23252my car goes 500 miles an hour. 23253 -- Stephen Wright 23254% 23255I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because 23256I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no 23257more mature than I am. 23258% 23259I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 23260% 23261I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme 23262foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in 23263loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish. 23264 -- Rita Mae Brown 23265% 23266I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in 23267my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. 23268 -- Emo Phillips 23269% 23270I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near 23271the place. 23272 -- Steven Wright 23273% 23274I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere 23275near the place. 23276 -- Steven Wright 23277% 23278I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I 23279don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected 23280with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, 23281the food cheaper, and old men and womem warmer in the winter, and happier 23282in the summer. 23283 -- Brendan Behan 23284% 23285I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I 23286don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected 23287with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, 23288the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier 23289in the summer. 23290 -- Brendan Behan 23291% 23292I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you. 23293% 23294I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law. 23295 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 23296% 23297I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St. 23298Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!" 23299% 23300I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!! 23301 -- Zippy the Pinhead 23302% 23303I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad. 23304 -- Freud 23305% 23306I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located? 23307% 23308I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued 23309endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of 23310pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of 23311bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an 23312excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically 23313critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud 23314the earth. 23315 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing" 23316% 23317I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I 23318ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance. 23319 -- Steven Wright 23320% 23321I was born in a barrel of butcher knives 23322Trouble I love and peace I despise 23323Wild horses kicked me in my side 23324Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died. 23325 -- Bo Diddley 23326% 23327I was eatin' some chop suey, 23328With a lady in St. Louie, 23329When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door. 23330And that knocker, he says, "Honey, 23331Roll this rocker out some money, 23332Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor." 23333 -- Mr. Miggle 23334% 23335I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. 23336I said I didn't know. 23337 -- Mark Twain 23338% 23339I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live 23340around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks." 23341I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." 23342She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a 23343chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so 23344you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like 23345that all the time..." 23346 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly" 23347% 23348I was in a beauty contest one. I not only came in last, I was hit in 23349the mouth by Miss Congeniality. 23350 -- Phyllis Diller 23351% 23352I was in accord with the system so long as it 23353permitted me to function effectively. 23354 -- Albert Speer 23355% 23356I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all 23357these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these 23358kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and 23359I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been 23360avoiding the beach. 23361 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach" 23362% 23363I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a 23364lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number. 23365 -- Steven Wright 23366% 23367I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is 23368anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or 23369breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody. He really 23370gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He 23371works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot. 23372Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work 23373for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me 23374two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I 23375was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But 23376I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum." 23377 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One" 23378% 23379I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a 23380full house and four people died. 23381 -- Steven Wright 23382% 23383I was the best I ever had. 23384 -- Woody Allen 23385% 23386I was toilet-trained at gunpoint. 23387 -- Billy Braver 23388% 23389I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a 23390desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall 23391because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards 23392me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I 23393took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again. 23394% 23395I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. 23396 -- Chico Marx 23397% 23398I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it 23399in the room alone. 23400% 23401I went home with a waitress, 23402The way I always do. 23403How I was I to know? 23404She was with the Russians too. 23405 23406I was gambling in Havana, 23407I took a little risk. 23408Send lawyers, guns, and money, 23409Dad, get me out of this. 23410 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money" 23411% 23412I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. 23413If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. 23414It's the truth. 23415 -- Charlie Chaplin 23416% 23417I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to 23418expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for 23419stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming 23420the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted 23421to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the 23422answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer 23423showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found 23424an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the 23425program to the point where it would not run at all. 23426 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: 23427 Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars" 23428% 23429I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle. 23430I said "Hi, what's happenin'?" 23431He said "Nothin'." 23432Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm; 23433As if you just squashed a cop. 23434 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song" 23435% 23436I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. 23437Great song. 23438 -- Fred Reuss 23439% 23440I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered 23441French toast during the Renaissance. 23442 -- Stephen Wright 23443% 23444I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." 23445So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. 23446 -- Steven Wright 23447% 23448I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 23449years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors 23450would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they 23451all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!" 23452 23453Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had 23454been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. 23455 23456There was a computer in every doorknob. 23457 -- Danny Hillis 23458% 23459I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. 23460I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career 23461of a robber. 23462 -- Tiburcio Vasquez 23463% 23464I will always love the false image I had of you. 23465% 23466I will follow the good side right to the fire, 23467but not into it if I can help it. 23468 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne 23469% 23470I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the 23471year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The 23472Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out 23473the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the 23474writing on this stone! 23475 -- Charles Dickens 23476% 23477I will make you shorter by the head. 23478 -- Elizabeth I 23479% 23480I will never lie to you. 23481% 23482I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own. 23483% 23484I will not drink! 23485But if I do... 23486I will not get drunk! 23487But if I do... 23488I will not in public! 23489But if I do... 23490I will not fall down! 23491But if I do... 23492I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge. 23493% 23494I will not forget you. 23495% 23496I will not play at tug o' war. 23497I'd rather play at hug o' war, 23498Where everyone hugs 23499Instead of tugs, 23500Where everyone giggles 23501And rolls on the rug, 23502Where everyone kisses, 23503And everyone grins, 23504And everyone cuddles, 23505And everyone wins. 23506 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War" 23507% 23508I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new 23509one every day. 23510 -- Heine 23511% 23512I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, 23513we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. 23514 -- Jack Handey 23515% 23516I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula 23517and Superman away. 23518 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23519% 23520I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the 23521intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't 23522seem to work. 23523 -- Gallagher 23524% 23525I wish you humans would leave me alone. 23526% 23527I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks. 23528% 23529I woke up a feelin' mean 23530went down to play the slot machine 23531the wheels turned round, 23532and the letters read 23533"Better head back to Tennessee Jed" 23534 -- Grateful Dead 23535% 23536I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment 23537had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, 23538"Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and 23539replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?" 23540 -- Steven Wright 23541% 23542"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I 23543know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must 23544be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people 23545I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles." 23546 -- Bastian B. Bux 23547% 23548I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement? 23549 -- Tramp, Lady and the Tramp 23550% 23551I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 23552"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" 23553 -- Steven Wright 23554% 23555I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one, 23556but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already 23557because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even 23558after we've been home a long while. 23559 -- Casey Stengel 23560% 23561I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women, 23562only they won't let me raise my voice. 23563 -- Winkle 23564% 23565I would have made a good pope. 23566 -- Richard Nixon 23567% 23568I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have 23569gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the 23570missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme. 23571 -- Oliver North 23572% 23573I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block 23574of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the 23575image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we 23576forget or do not know. 23577 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191 23578 23579 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 23580 referring to image activation and termination.] 23581% 23582I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in 23583understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, 23584our tasks will be solved. 23585 -- Warren G. Harding 23586% 23587I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection 23588with income tax policies. 23589 -- William F. Buckley 23590% 23591I would like to know 23592What I was fencing in 23593And what I was fencing out. 23594 -- Robert Frost 23595% 23596I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going 23597to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind. 23598In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father. 23599 -- Frank Zappa 23600% 23601I would much rather have men ask why 23602I have no statue, than why I have one. 23603 -- Marcus Procius Cato 23604% 23605I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when 23606they're being taped. 23607 -- Richard Nixon 23608 23609I love America. You always hurt the one you love. 23610 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon 23611% 23612I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house 23613and be above ground than reign among the dead. 23614 -- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91 23615% 23616I would rather say that a desire to drive fast 23617sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals. 23618% 23619I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!! 23620% 23621I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole. 23622% 23623I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity 23624for everyone, but they've always worked for me. 23625 -- Hunter S. Thompson 23626% 23627I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear 23628them scream. 23629 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak", 23630 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since 23631% 23632Iam 23633not 23634very 23635happy 23636acting 23637pleased 23638whenever 23639prominent 23640scientists 23641overmagnify 23642intellectual 23643enlightenment 23644% 23645IBM: 23646 [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty 23647 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer 23648 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware 23649 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy 23650 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM 23651 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General. 23652% 23653IBM: 23654 I've Been Moved 23655 Idiots Become Managers 23656 Idiots Buy More 23657 Impossible to Buy Machine 23658 Incredibly Big Machine 23659 Industry's Biggest Mistake 23660 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries 23661 It Boggles the Mind 23662 It's Better Manually 23663 Itty-Bitty Machines 23664% 23665IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, 23666who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes... 23667 -- with regrets to D. Adams 23668% 23669IBM had a PL/I, 23670Its syntax worse than JOSS; 23671And everywhere this language went, 23672It was a total loss. 23673% 23674IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use. 23675% 23676IBM Pollyanna Principle: 23677 Machines should work. People should think. 23678% 23679IBM's original motto: 23680 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum. 23681% 23682I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly. 23683 -- John Denver 23684 23685[I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.] 23686% 23687I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 23688% 23689I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. 23690 -- Groucho Marx 23691% 23692I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee. 23693 -- Princess Leia Organa 23694% 23695I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, 23696above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even 23697feel it. 23698 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23699% 23700I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now. 23701% 23702I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the 23703whole field to private industry. 23704 -- Joseph Heller 23705% 23706I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair. 23707 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton" 23708% 23709I'd never cry if I did find 23710 A blue whale in my soup... 23711Nor would I mind a porcupine 23712 Inside a chicken coop. 23713Yes life is fine when things combine, 23714 Like ham in beef chow mein... 23715But lord, this time I think I mind, 23716 They've put acid in my rain. 23717 --- Milo Bloom 23718% 23719I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. 23720 -- Groucho Marx 23721% 23722I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough. 23723Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had. 23724 -- Brenda Starr 23725% 23726I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan. 23727% 23728I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. 23729 -- Fred Allen 23730 23731[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.] 23732% 23733I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. 23734 -- W.C. Fields 23735% 23736I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around. 23737% 23738I'd rather laugh with the sinners, 23739Than cry with the saints, 23740The sinners are much more fun! 23741 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" 23742% 23743I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner. 23744% 23745Identify your visitor. 23746% 23747idiot box, n: 23748 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place 23749 the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 23750 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 23751% 23752idiot box, n: 23753 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the 23754 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 23755 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 23756% 23757idiot, n: 23758 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence 23759 in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. 23760% 23761IDLENESS: 23762 Leisure gone to seed. 23763% 23764Idleness is the holiday of fools. 23765% 23766If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. 23767 -- Roy Santoro 23768% 23769If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast 23770is a camel's behind. 23771 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 23772% 23773If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars? 23774% 23775If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't 23776work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. 23777% 23778If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. 23779 -- William Blake 23780% 23781If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, 23782there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. 23783 -- T. Cheatham 23784% 23785If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he 23786really a guru at all? 23787 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals" 23788% 23789If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it 23790is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty. 23791 -- Joseph C. Goulden 23792% 23793IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him 23794is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing 23795to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." 23796 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 23797% 23798If a listener nods his head when you're 23799explaining your program, wake him up. 23800% 23801If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism. 23802 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 23803% 23804If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed. 23805 -- Thomas Wolfe 23806% 23807If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart. 23808If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain. 23809% 23810If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, 23811he will lose his reverence for all of life. 23812 -- Albert Schweitzer 23813% 23814If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the 23815separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, 23816it might well prolong his life. 23817 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877 23818% 23819If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, 23820... it expects what never was and never will be. 23821 -- Thomas Jefferson 23822% 23823If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; 23824and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it 23825will lose that, too. 23826 -- W. Somerset Maugham 23827% 23828If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better, 23829and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can 23830convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health. 23831 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble" 23832% 23833If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. 23834The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position 23835in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of 23836gravity supercedes the law of golf. 23837 -- Donald A. Metz 23838% 23839If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce 23840love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide? 23841 -- Saint Augustine 23842% 23843If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response 23844is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the 23845only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did." 23846% 23847If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, 23848look at him as if he had lost his senses. 23849When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. 23850% 23851If a system is administered wisely, 23852its users will be content. 23853They enjoy hacking their code 23854and don't waste time implementing 23855labor-saving shell scripts. 23856Since they dearly love their accounts, 23857they aren't interested in other machines. 23858There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp, 23859but these don't access any hosts. 23860There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware, 23861but nobody ever uses them. 23862People enjoy reading their mail, 23863take pleasure in being with their newsgroups, 23864spend weekends working at their terminals, 23865delight in the doings at the site. 23866And even though the next system is so close 23867that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps, 23868they are content to die of old age 23869without ever having gone to see it. 23870% 23871If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude. 23872If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the 23873game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of 23874course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make 23875goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry? 23876 -- Sparky Anderson 23877% 23878If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly. 23879 -- G.K. Chesterton 23880% 23881If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for. 23882 -- W.C. Fields 23883% 23884If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation? 23885% 23886If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever 23887to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude 23888that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. 23889 -- Rob Stampfli 23890% 23891If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever 23892to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude 23893that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. 23894 -- Rob Stampfli 23895% 23896If all be true that I do think, 23897There be five reasons why one should drink; 23898Good friends, good wine, or being dry, 23899Or lest we should be by-and-by, 23900Or any other reason why. 23901% 23902If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. 23903 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 23904% 23905If all else fails, lower your standards. 23906% 23907If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? 23908% 23909If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I 23910wouldn't be a bit surprised. 23911 -- Dorothy Parker 23912% 23913If all the seas were ink, 23914And all the reeds were pens, 23915And all the skies were parchment, 23916And all the men could write, 23917These would not suffice 23918To write down all the red tape 23919Of this Government. 23920% 23921If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. 23922 -- Paul Beatty 23923% 23924If all the world's economists were laid end to end, 23925we wouldn't reach a conclusion. 23926 -- William Baumol 23927% 23928If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner, 23929and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops, 23930not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on 23931camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television , even 23932responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs 23933collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never 23934have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little. 23935 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television 23936 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional". 23937% 23938If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 23939% 23940If an S and an I and an O and a U 23941With an X at the end spell Su; 23942And an E and a Y and an E spell I, 23943Pray what is a speller to do? 23944Then, if also an S and an I and a G 23945And an HED spell side, 23946There's nothing much left for a speller to do 23947But to go commit siouxeyesighed. 23948 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" 23949% 23950If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last 23951car he ever lays down in front of. 23952 -- George Wallace 23953% 23954If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, 23955let him become president of Harvard. 23956 -- Edward Holyoke 23957% 23958If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible. 23959We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs, 23960blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his 23961tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky". 23962% 23963If anything can go wrong, it will. 23964% 23965If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. 23966% 23967If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 23968% 23969If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. 23970% 23971If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 23972% 23973If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 23974 -- W.E. Hickson 23975% 23976If at first you don't succeed, try try again. Then quit. 23977No use being a damn fool about it. 23978% 23979If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 23980Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. 23981 -- W.C. Fields 23982 23983[Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.] 23984% 23985If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. 23986% 23987If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. 23988 -- Leonard Levinson 23989% 23990If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again. 23991% 23992If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is 23993identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a 23994collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then 23995I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as 23996plentiful as blackberries. 23997 -- Leslie Stephen 23998% 23999If bankers can count, how come they have 24000eight windows and only four tellers? 24001% 24002If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by 24003some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse. 24004 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837 24005% 24006If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 24007then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization. 24008% 24009If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing 24010but illegal purposes. 24011 -- J. Edgar Hoover 24012% 24013If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. 24014% 24015If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour. 24016 -- William Blake 24017% 24018If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James 24019Watt's office. 24020 -- Wayne Shannon 24021% 24022If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line. 24023% 24024If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will 24025serve us right. 24026 -- Alistair Cooke 24027% 24028If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? 24029% 24030If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't 24031deserve to have any. 24032 -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a 24033 driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his 24034 conviction for sodomy. 24035% 24036If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, 24037there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses 24038is a fraud. 24039 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged" 24040% 24041If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can 24042do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without 24043no middleman. 24044 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody" 24045% 24046If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed 24047him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation. 24048 -- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth" 24049% 24050If everything on the road of life seems to 24051be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 24052% 24053If everything seems to be going well, 24054you have obviously overlooked something. 24055% 24056If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing. 24057 -- Bertrand Russell 24058% 24059If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up. 24060% 24061If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there 24062is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an 24063exception" as a rule, then we must conced that there may not be an exception 24064after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of 24065exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there 24066can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception. 24067 -- Bill Boquist 24068% 24069If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. 24070 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI" 24071% 24072If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer. 24073% 24074If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports. 24075% 24076If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. 24077% 24078If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus 24079would have only had ten disciples. 24080% 24081If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. 24082% 24083If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. 24084% 24085If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. 24086% 24087If God had meant for us to be in the Army, 24088we would have been born with green, baggy skin. 24089% 24090If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. 24091% 24092If God had not given us sticky tape, 24093it would have been necessary to invent it. 24094% 24095If God had really intended men to fly, 24096he'd make it easier to get to the airport. 24097 -- George Winters 24098% 24099If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would 24100have made them cute and furry. 24101 -- Dave Barry 24102% 24103If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 24104only ten apostles. 24105% 24106If God had wanted you to go around nude, 24107He would have given you bigger hands. 24108% 24109If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, 24110He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination. 24111% 24112If God is dead, who will save the Queen? 24113% 24114If God is One, what is bad? 24115 -- Charles Manson 24116% 24117If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? 24118% 24119If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. 24120 -- Yiddish saying 24121% 24122If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? 24123 -- Marvin Kitman 24124% 24125If God wanted us to have a President, 24126He would have sent us a candidate. 24127 -- Jerry Dreshfield 24128% 24129If graphics hackers are so smart, 24130why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint? 24131% 24132If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? 24133% 24134If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry. 24135 -- Chinese proverb 24136% 24137If he had only learnt a little less, how 24138infinitely better he might have taught much more! 24139% 24140If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days 24141and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to 24142think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate. 24143 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia" 24144% 24145If he should ever change his faith, 24146it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God. 24147% 24148If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell. 24149 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 24150% 24151If I could read your mind, love, 24152What a tale your thoughts could tell, 24153Just like a paperback novel, 24154The kind the drugstore sells, 24155When you reach the part where the heartaches come, 24156The hero would be me, 24157Heroes often fail, 24158You won't read that book again, because 24159 the ending is just too hard to take. 24160 24161I walk away, like a movie star, 24162Who gets burned in a three way script, 24163Enter number two, 24164A movie queen to play the scene 24165Of bringing all the good things out in me, 24166But for now, love, let's be real 24167I never thought I could act this way, 24168And I've got to say that I just don't get it, 24169I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone 24170And I just can't get it back... 24171 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind" 24172% 24173If I could stick my pen in my heart, 24174I would spill it all over the stage. 24175Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya, 24176Would you think the boy was strange? 24177Ain't he strange? 24178... 24179If I could stick a knife in my heart, 24180Suicide right on the stage, 24181Would it be enough for your teenage lust, 24182Would it help to ease the pain? 24183Ease your brain? 24184 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll" 24185% 24186If I don't drive around the park, 24187I'm pretty sure to make my mark. 24188If I'm in bed each night by ten, 24189I may get back my looks again. 24190If I abstain from fun and such, 24191I'll probably amount to much; 24192But I shall stay the way I am, 24193Because I do not give a damn. 24194 -- Dorothy Parker 24195% 24196If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. 24197Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's 24198as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for 24199you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it. 24200 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 24201% 24202If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers. 24203% 24204IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's 24205got to be a better way. 24206 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 24207% 24208If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, 24209I'd sell the plantation and go home. 24210 -- Eugene P. Gallagher 24211% 24212If I had any humility I would be perfect. 24213 -- Ted Turner 24214% 24215If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from 24216a laboratory jar at Harvard. 24217 -- Frank Sinatra 24218 24219AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS. 24220 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine 24221% 24222If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I 24223would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this 24224trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier. 24225I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd 24226travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. 24227You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly 24228and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and, 24229if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to 24230have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many 24231years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere 24232without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute. 24233If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel 24234lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed 24235earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky 24236more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would 24237ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies. 24238% 24239If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. 24240 -- Albert Einstein 24241% 24242If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. 24243 -- Tallulah Bankhead 24244% 24245If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps. 24246% 24247If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the 24248shoulders of giants. 24249 -- Isaac Newton 24250 24251In the sciences, we are now uniquely priviledged to sit side by side with 24252the giants on whose shoulders we stand. 24253 -- Gerald Holton 24254 24255If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on 24256my shoulders. 24257 -- Hal Abelson 24258 24259Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders. 24260 -- Gauss 24261 24262Mathemeticians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists 24263stand on each other's toes. 24264 -- Richard Hamming 24265 24266It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If 24267this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and 24268software engineers dig each other's graves. 24269 -- Unknown 24270% 24271If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. 24272 -- Bob Hope 24273% 24274If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, 24275I would send a barrel or so to my other generals. 24276 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant 24277% 24278If I love you, what business is it of yours? 24279 -- Goethe 24280% 24281If I love you, what business is it of yours? 24282 -- Johann van Goethe 24283% 24284If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I 24285just couldn't help myself. 24286 -- Adolf Hitler 24287% 24288If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it? 24289 -- Alan Parsons Project 24290% 24291If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think 24292I'm an engineer working on something. 24293 -- S.R. McElroy 24294% 24295If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 24296% 24297If I traveled to the end of the rainbow 24298As Dame Fortune did intend, 24299Murphy would be there to tell me 24300The pot's at the other end. 24301 -- Bert Whitney 24302% 24303If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. 24304% 24305If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could 24306work for with a great deal of enjoyment. 24307 -- Douglas Jerrold 24308% 24309If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it 24310because I can't swim. 24311 -- Bob Stanfield 24312% 24313If I'd known computer science was going to be like this, 24314I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star. 24315 -- G. Hirst 24316% 24317If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top? 24318 -- Jerry Muscha 24319% 24320If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the 24321answer can be obtained by simple inspection. 24322% 24323If in doubt, mumble. 24324% 24325If it ain't baroque, don't fix it. 24326% 24327If it ain't broke, don't fix it. 24328% 24329If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh. 24330 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls 24331% 24332If it happens once, it's a bug. 24333If it happens twice, it's a feature. 24334If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy. 24335% 24336If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly. 24337% 24338If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly. 24339% 24340If it heals good, say it. 24341% 24342If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will 24343answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary. 24344 -- Samuel Clemens 24345% 24346If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. 24347% 24348If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work 24349it's physics. 24350% 24351If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement. 24352 -- Ronald Reagan 24353% 24354If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples. 24355% 24356If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 24357% 24358If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler. 24359% 24360If it were not for the presents, an elopment would be preferable. 24361 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables" 24362% 24363If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, 24364I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down 24365the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- 24366forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp 24367of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw. 24368 -- James Dickey 24369% 24370If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. 24371% 24372If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. 24373If it stinks, it's chemistry. 24374If it doesn't work, it's physics. 24375% 24376If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 24377% 24378If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. 24379% 24380If it's worth doing, do it for money. 24381% 24382If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money. 24383% 24384If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money. 24385% 24386If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. 24387They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make 24388fun of it. 24389 -- Thomas Carlyle 24390% 24391If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to 24392send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the 24393other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces 24394of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why 24395they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, 24396they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep 24397them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ... 24398 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie 24399% 24400If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, 24401had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better. 24402 -- Karl Marx's Mother 24403% 24404If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. 24405% 24406If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. 24407% 24408If life is merely a joke, the question 24409still remains: for whose amusement? 24410% 24411If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else? 24412% 24413If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women 24414you've got in the house. 24415 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 24416% 24417If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? 24418 -- Lily Tomlin 24419% 24420If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low 24421 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard 24422% 24423If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG. 24424 -- Phil Lapsley 24425% 24426If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T. 24427% 24428If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform. 24429 -- Mary Wilson Little 24430% 24431If mathematically you end up with the wrong 24432answer, try multipying by the page number. 24433% 24434If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would 24435be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies. 24436 -- Frances Rodman 24437% 24438If men are not afraid to die, 24439it is of no avail to threaten them with death. 24440 24441If men live in constant fear of dying, 24442And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, 24443Who will dare to break the law? 24444 24445There is always an official executioner. 24446If you try to take his place, 24447It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood. 24448If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, 24449 you will only hurt your hand. 24450 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74" 24451% 24452If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would 24453be a merrier world. 24454 -- J.R.R. Tolkien 24455% 24456If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little 24457of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, 24458and from that to incivility and procrastination. 24459 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) 24460% 24461If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think 24462little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and 24463Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. 24464 -- Thomas De Quincey 24465% 24466If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and 24467over again, there is no use in reading it at all. 24468 -- Oscar Wilde 24469% 24470If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection 24471of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching 24472in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not 24473far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the 24474various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor, 24475it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any 24476connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would 24477get an unfair advantage. 24478 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 24479% 24480If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. 24481 -- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use 24482 of the Young" 24483% 24484If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat? 24485 -- Woody Allen 24486% 24487If only God would give me some clear sign! 24488Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. 24489 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 24490% 24491If only one could get that wonderful feeling of 24492accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. 24493% 24494If only you could be respected without having to be respectable. 24495% 24496If only you had a personality instead of an attitude. 24497% 24498If only you knew she loved you, you could 24499face the uncertainty of whether you love her. 24500% 24501If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. 24502% 24503If parents would only realize how they bore their children. 24504 -- G.B. Shaw 24505% 24506If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, 24507then we are a sorry lot indeed. 24508 -- Albert Einstein 24509% 24510If people concentrated on the really important things in life, 24511there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. 24512 -- Doug Larson 24513% 24514If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off. 24515 -- Edward E. Hippensteel 24516 24517[What brand of ink? Ed.] 24518% 24519If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they 24520will take sandwiches. 24521 -- Lord Boyd-orr 24522 24523Eats first, morals after. 24524 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" 24525% 24526If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated, 24527I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. 24528 -- Hermann Goering 24529% 24530If people see that you mean them no harm, 24531they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten! 24532% 24533If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? 24534% 24535If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters. 24536 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn" 24537% 24538If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? 24539% 24540If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst. 24541% 24542If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? 24543% 24544If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers. 24545 -- Tom Wicker 24546% 24547If researchers wrote nursery rhymes... 24548 24549Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region, 24550Eating components of soured milk. 24551On at least one occasion, 24552 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her, 24553Or at least in her vicinity, 24554And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear, 24555Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly. 24556 -- Ann Melugin Williams 24557% 24558If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with 24559pool cues, who would win? 24560 1) Ricky Schroder 24561 2) Gary Coleman 24562 3) The television viewing public 24563 -- David Letterman 24564% 24565If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of 24566arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical 24567world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by 24568the use of the mathematics of probability. 24569 -- Vannevar Bush 24570% 24571If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many 24572books on how to? 24573 -- Bette Midler 24574% 24575If she had not been cupric in her ions, 24576Her shape ovoidal, 24577Their romance might have flourished. 24578But he built tetrahedral in his shape, 24579His ions ferric, 24580Love could not help but die, 24581Uncatylised, inert, and undernourished. 24582% 24583If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom. 24584 -- Robert Frost 24585% 24586If some people didn't tell you, 24587you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. 24588% 24589If someone had told me I would be Pope 24590one day, I would have studied harder. 24591 -- Pope John Paul I 24592% 24593If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't. 24594% 24595If something has not yet gone wrong then it would 24596ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong. 24597% 24598If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the 24599way they do? 24600% 24601If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream 24602and never be our destiny. 24603 -- Rene de Visme Williamson 24604% 24605If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a 24606Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon, 24607and explode once a year killing everyone inside. 24608 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld 24609% 24610If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, 24611this would be a better world. 24612 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 24613% 24614If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. 24615 -- Norm Schryer 24616% 24617If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get 24618the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in 24619college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural 24620method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall 24621learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should 24622be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the 24623young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. 24624I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not 24625by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise 24626instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the 24627attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, 24628not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to 24629put on a professor. 24630 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 24631% 24632If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five 24633steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same 24634prinicples -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful 24635feature, that. 24636 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990. 24637% 24638If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? 24639 -- Robert Moses 24640% 24641If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical 24642would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. 24643 -- Doug Larson 24644 24645[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.] 24646% 24647If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. 24648 -- Albert Einstein 24649% 24650If the future isn't what it used to be, does that 24651mean that the past is subject to change in times to come? 24652% 24653If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough. 24654Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life. 24655% 24656If the government doesn't trust the people, why 24657doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people? 24658% 24659If the grass is greener on other side of fence, 24660consider what may be fertilizing it. 24661% 24662If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, 24663we would be so simple we couldn't. 24664% 24665If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation, 24666I would have recommended something simpler. 24667 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile, 24668 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy. 24669% 24670If the master dies and the disciple grieves, 24671the lives of both have been wasted. 24672% 24673If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, 24674then this sentence would not be false. 24675% 24676If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be 24677goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible. 24678 -- Frank Zappa 24679% 24680If the odds are a million to one against something 24681occurring, chances are 50-50 it will. 24682% 24683If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads. 24684 -- Anatole France 24685% 24686If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, 24687what a living the poor could make! 24688% 24689If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 24690% 24691If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will. 24692% 24693If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job. 24694Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count 24695on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening, 24696paper folding, or something. 24697 -- C. Philip Wood 24698% 24699If the very old will remember, the very young will listen. 24700 -- Chief Dan George 24701% 24702If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. 24703If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. 24704If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, 24705church attendance will exceed all expectations. 24706 -- Reverend Chichester 24707% 24708If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. 24709% 24710If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, 24711the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 24712 24713If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure 24714can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. 24715% 24716If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing 24717of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur 24718of this life. 24719 -- Albert Camus 24720% 24721If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it. 24722 -- Edward A. Murphy Jr. 24723% 24724If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you 24725can't afford divorce. 24726 -- Jack Nicholson 24727% 24728If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? 24729 -- Art Hoppe 24730% 24731If there is no wind, row. 24732 -- Polish proverb 24733% 24734If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would 24735have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule. 24736 -- Saul Goodman 24737% 24738If there was in justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word. 24739% 24740If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three 24741years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law 24742school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers. 24743 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method 24744% 24745If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all? 24746% 24747If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, 24748go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These 24749days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire 24750to crudeness... 24751 -- Johnny Mnemonic 24752% 24753If they were so inclined, they could impeach 24754him because they don't like his necktie. 24755 -- Attorney General William Saxbe 24756% 24757If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you. 24758% 24759If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. 24760% 24761If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. 24762It's not time yet. 24763% 24764If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? 24765% 24766If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? 24767 -- Lily Tomlin 24768% 24769If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is 24770doing the thinking. 24771 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 24772 24773Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his 24774helmet off. 24775 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 24776 24777I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign 24778itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon. 24779 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 24780% 24781If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. 24782 -- Ernest Hemingway 24783% 24784If two wrongs don't make a right, try three wrongs. 24785% 24786If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. 24787If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal. 24788% 24789If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system. 24790% 24791If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world. 24792 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting" 24793% 24794If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would 24795all be millionaires. 24796 -- Abigail Van Buren 24797% 24798If we do not change our direction we are 24799likely to end up where we are headed. 24800% 24801If we don't survive, we don't do anything else. 24802 -- John Sinclair 24803% 24804If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time 24805of it. 24806 -- Oscar Wilde 24807% 24808"If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our 24809findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive." 24810 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on 24811 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex 24812 crimes. 24813% 24814If we see the light at the end of the tunnel 24815It's the light of an oncoming train. 24816 -- Robert Lowell 24817% 24818If we spoke a different language, we 24819would perceive a somewhat different world. 24820 -- Wittgenstein 24821% 24822If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, 24823we encourage it, and involve others in our doom. 24824 -- Samuel Adams 24825% 24826If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us 24827with alarm clocks. 24828% 24829If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance. 24830% 24831If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to 24832do something else. 24833 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" 24834% 24835If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel 24836in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary 24837qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. 24838 -- Marguerite Emmons 24839% 24840If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves. 24841% 24842If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the 24843beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its 24844lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days 24845women behave the most like the way men behave all month long? 24846 -- Gloria Steinham 24847% 24848If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. 24849 -- Aristotle Onassis 24850% 24851If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. 24852Quit work and play for once! 24853% 24854If you analyse anything, you destroy it. 24855 -- Arthur Miller 24856% 24857If you are a police dog, where's your badge? 24858 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd 24859 crazy. 24860% 24861If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. 24862 -- Anton Chekov 24863% 24864If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. 24865 -- Chekhov 24866% 24867If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance. 24868% 24869If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real 24870good, you will get out of it. 24871% 24872If you are honest because honesty is the best policy, 24873your honesty is corrupt. 24874% 24875If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no 24876longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal. 24877 -- Abigail Van Buren 24878% 24879If you are not for yourself, who will be for you? 24880If you are for yourself, then what are you? 24881If not now, when? 24882% 24883If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient 24884evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than 24885words. 24886 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 24887% 24888If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is 24889sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions 24890speak louder than words. 24891 -- Fran Lebowitz 24892% 24893If you are over 80 years old and accompanied 24894by your parents, we will cash your check. 24895% 24896If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; 24897over 80 you are neglecting your golf. 24898 -- Walter Hagen 24899% 24900If you are smart enough to know that you're not 24901smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business. 24902% 24903If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy. 24904% 24905If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut? 24906% 24907If you aren't rich you should always look useful. 24908 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine 24909% 24910If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. 24911 -- J. Paul Getty 24912% 24913If you can keep your head when all about you are losing 24914theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation. 24915% 24916If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. 24917% 24918If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. 24919% 24920If you cannot convince them, confuse them. 24921 -- Harry S. Truman 24922% 24923If you cannot in the long run tell everyone 24924what you have been doing, your doing was worthless. 24925 -- Edwim Schrodinger 24926% 24927If you can't be good, be careful. 24928If you can't be careful, give me a call. 24929% 24930If you can't convince them, confuse them. 24931 -- Harry S. Truman 24932% 24933If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. 24934% 24935If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. 24936% 24937If you can't read this, blame a teacher. 24938% 24939If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. 24940 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 24941% 24942If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. 24943% 24944If you catch a man, throw him back. 24945 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975 24946% 24947If you continually give you will continually have. 24948% 24949If you could only get that wonderful feeling of 24950accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. 24951% 24952If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? 24953% 24954If you didn't have most of your friends, 24955you wouldn't have most of your problems. 24956% 24957If you didn't have to work so hard, 24958you'd have more time to be depressed. 24959% 24960If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one. 24961 -- John Galsworthy 24962% 24963If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about 24964it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else. 24965 -- Carlyle 24966% 24967If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. 24968% 24969If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 24970% 24971If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists 24972in the Bible. 24973 -- Mordecai Richler 24974% 24975If you don't do it, you'll never know what 24976would have happened if you had done it. 24977% 24978If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will? 24979% 24980If you don't drink it, someone else will. 24981% 24982If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. 24983 -- Clarence Day 24984% 24985If you don't have the time right now, 24986will you have redo right time later? 24987% 24988If you don't have time to do it right, where 24989are you going to find the time to do it over? 24990% 24991If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is. 24992% 24993If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk! 24994% 24995If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. 24996 -- Calvin Coolidge 24997% 24998If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring. 24999 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking 25000% 25001If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people. 25002% 25003If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program 25004an imbedded system. The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that 25005it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention 25006will suffice to remove it. An imbedded system can't permanently trust anything 25007it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff 25008around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming 25009carefulness here. No. Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted 25010raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know 25011what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs 25012properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a 25013gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network 25014numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before 25015you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all 25016over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he 25017was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong 25018network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your 25019software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network 25020number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed 25021in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you 25022get my drift. 25023% 25024If you explain something so clearly that no 25025one can possibly misunderstand, someone will. 25026% 25027If you fail to plan, plan to fail. 25028% 25029If you find a solution and become attached to it, 25030the solution may become your next problem. 25031% 25032If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed. 25033% 25034If you float on instinct alone, how can you 25035calculate the buoyancy for the computed load? 25036 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams 25037% 25038If you fool around with something long 25039enough, it will eventually break. 25040% 25041If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office. 25042% 25043If you give Congress a chance to vote on 25044both sides of an issue, it will always do it. 25045 -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin 25046% 25047If you go on with this nuclear arms race, 25048all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce. 25049 -- Winston Churchill 25050% 25051If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, 25052so as not to disturb those around you. 25053% 25054If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are 25055all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were 25056swimming. 25057 -- Jack Handey 25058% 25059If you had better tools, you could more 25060effectively demonstrate your total incompetence. 25061% 25062If you had just one moment to live 25063And they granted you one special wish 25064Would you ask for something 25065Like another chance. 25066 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys" 25067% 25068If you hands are clean and your cause is just 25069and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start. 25070% 25071If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. 25072% 25073If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent. 25074 -- Bette Davis 25075% 25076If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. 25077% 25078If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a 25079new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation, 25080does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must 25081make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats. 25082The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if 25083you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer 25084will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with 25085cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the 25086dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion 25087of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things 25088straight. 25089 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style" 25090% 25091If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all. 25092 -- Spiro Agnew 25093% 25094If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it. 25095% 25096If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. 25097 -- Louis Armstrong 25098% 25099If you have to hate, hate gently. 25100% 25101If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong. 25102% 25103If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career 25104in chartered accountancy beckons. 25105 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic 25106 Systems course. 25107% 25108If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a 25109hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype. 25110 -- Neil Bogart 25111% 25112If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot 25113yourself in the posterior. 25114 -- A.J. Liebling, "The Press" 25115% 25116If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to 25117boot yourself in the posterior. 25118 -- A.J. Liebling 25119% 25120If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it. 25121% 25122If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of 25123rubbish into it. 25124 -- William Orton 25125% 25126If you knew what to say next, would you say it? 25127% 25128If you know the answer to a question, don't ask. 25129 -- Petersen Nesbit 25130% 25131If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end. 25132 -- Mark Twain 25133% 25134If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end... 25135you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast. 25136 -- David Letterman 25137% 25138If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 25139365 useless things. 25140% 25141If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven. 25142% 25143If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. 25144 -- Graham Summer 25145% 25146If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat. 25147 -- Simone De Beauvoir 25148% 25149If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made 25150because very few people die past the age of a hundred. 25151 -- George Burns 25152% 25153If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets 25154and fire them all off, wouldn't you? 25155 -- Garrison Keillor 25156% 25157If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life. 25158 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant 25159% 25160If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor. 25161If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor. 25162% 25163If you lose a son you can always get another, 25164but there's only one Maltese Falcon. 25165 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 25166% 25167If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich, 25168or famous or both. 25169% 25170If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, 25171he'll get rich or famous or both. 25172% 25173If you love someone, set them free. 25174If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk. 25175% 25176If you love something set it free. If it doesn't 25177come back to you, hunt it down and kill it. 25178% 25179If you make a mistake you right it 25180immediately to the best of your ability. 25181% 25182If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year 25183with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. 25184 -- The Best of Will Rogers 25185% 25186If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; 25187but if you really make them think they'll hate you. 25188% 25189If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll 25190be married to a man who cheats on his wife. 25191 -- Ann Landers 25192% 25193If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody 25194in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. 25195% 25196If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. 25197 -- Schmidt 25198% 25199If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty. 25200Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands. 25201% 25202If you need anything just whistle. 25203You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? 25204Just put your lips together and blow. 25205 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not" 25206% 25207If you notice that a person is deceiving you, 25208they must not be deceiving you very well. 25209% 25210If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not 25211bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. 25212 -- Mark Twain 25213% 25214If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, 25215you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get 25216ice, but no cup. 25217% 25218If you put it off long enough, it might go away. 25219% 25220If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. 25221But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, 25222is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it. 25223 -- Pierre Gallois 25224% 25225If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a 25226restaurant. 25227 -- Snoopy 25228% 25229If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it. 25230Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have 25231something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because 25232they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because 25233they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them 25234if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains 25235-- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death. 25236 -- Hermann Goering 25237% 25238If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it. 25239% 25240If you remember the 60's, you weren't there. 25241% 25242If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire 25243deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading 25244are precisely those that challenge our convictions. 25245% 25246If you see an onion ring -- answer it! 25247% 25248If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. 25249But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers. 25250 -- Swami Prabhupada 25251% 25252If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure. 25253% 25254If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from 25255many it's research. 25256 -- Wilson Mizner 25257% 25258If you stew apples like cranberries, 25259they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does. 25260 -- Groucho Marx 25261% 25262If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, 25263It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. 25264Or some joker who is slicker, 25265Will trick you of your liquor, 25266If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. 25267% 25268If you stick your head in the sand, 25269one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked. 25270% 25271If you suspect a man, don't employ him. 25272% 25273If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have 25274schizophrenia. 25275 -- Thomas Szasz 25276% 25277If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble 25278then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real 25279harm. 25280% 25281If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. 25282 -- Mark Twain 25283% 25284If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. 25285% 25286If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. 25287 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard 25288% 25289If you think last Tuesday was a drag, 25290wait till you see what happens tomorrow! 25291% 25292If you think nobody cares if you're alive, 25293try missing a couple of car payments. 25294 -- Earl Wilson 25295% 25296If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time 25297someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with 25298your Bic. 25299% 25300If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. 25301 -- Arthur Kasspe 25302% 25303If you think the system is working, 25304ask someone who's waiting for a prompt. 25305% 25306If you think the United States has stood still, 25307who built the largest shopping center in the world? 25308 -- Richard Nixon 25309% 25310If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you 25311lack sufficient imagination. 25312% 25313If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be 25314to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to 25315say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw another party 25316next year. 25317 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake 25318 up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if 25319they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious 25320to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning 25321parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having 25322another one ... 25323 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, 25324unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas 25325through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that 25326they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, 25327your job is to make sure it isn't you ... 25328 -- Dave Barry 25329% 25330If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined 25331them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government! 25332 -- Mr. Interesting 25333% 25334If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them 25335end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. 25336% 25337If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom 25338and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. 25339 -- Dorothy Parker 25340% 25341If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time. 25342 -- F.D. Roosevelt 25343% 25344If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it. 25345% 25346If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having 25347done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back. 25348% 25349If you want me to be a good little bunny 25350just dangle some carats in front of my nose. 25351 -- Lauren Bacall 25352% 25353If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman. 25354 -- Michelet 25355% 25356If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's 25357read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves. 25358 -- Don Marquis 25359% 25360If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law. 25361% 25362If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. 25363 -- Woody Allen 25364% 25365If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map. 25366% 25367If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate 25368books. 25369 -- Alan King 25370% 25371If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards. 25372 -- Harry Blackstone 25373% 25374If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the 25375Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft. 25376Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory 25377containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with 25378the word "National". 25379 -- George Will 25380% 25381If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word 25382you say, talk in your sleep. 25383% 25384If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some 25385memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' 25386it, even if they don't know what it means. 25387 -- Walt Kelly 25388% 25389If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal. 25390% 25391If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that 25392fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and 25393heartbeats. 25394% 25395If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. 25396If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. 25397If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. 25398If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish. 25399 -- Chinese Proverb 25400% 25401If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. 25402% 25403If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur 25404boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him. 25405 -- Anton Chekov 25406% 25407If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him. 25408If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak 25409 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents. 25410If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness. 25411If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your 25412 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content... 25413 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it. 25414If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the 25415 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will 25416 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason 25417 why. 25418% 25419If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend. 25420% 25421If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some. 25422 -- Ben Franklin 25423% 25424If you would understand your own age, read the works 25425of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely. 25426% 25427If you'd like to cultivate insomnia, 25428Bed down with a pretty girl. 25429Amor vincit omnia. 25430% 25431If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss. 25432% 25433If your bread is stale, make toast. 25434% 25435If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out. 25436If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head. 25437 -- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince" 25438% 25439If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, 25440I guess you do have a problem. 25441 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 25442% 25443If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it. 25444% 25445If your mother knew what you're doing, 25446she'd probably hang her head and cry. 25447% 25448If your parents don't have kids, neither will you. 25449% 25450If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no 25451longer be fantasies. 25452 -- Fran Lebowitz 25453% 25454If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a 25455piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw. 25456 -- W.C. Fields 25457% 25458If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real 25459embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. 25460 -- Jack Handey 25461% 25462If you're careful enough, nothing 25463bad or good will ever happen to you. 25464% 25465If you're carrying a torch, put it down. 25466The Olympics are over. 25467% 25468If you're constantly being mistreated, 25469you're cooperating with the treatment. 25470% 25471If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four 25472strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work 25473together yet. 25474 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89. 25475% 25476If you're going to America, bring your own food. 25477 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 25478% 25479If you're going to do something tonight 25480that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. 25481 -- Henny Youngman 25482% 25483If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance. 25484% 25485If you're happy, you're successful. 25486% 25487If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 25488% 25489If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. 25490 -- Benjamin Disraeli 25491% 25492If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war, 25493As well as by traffic and crime, 25494Consider how worry-free gophers are, 25495Though living on burrowed time. 25496 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83 25497% 25498If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it 25499off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe. 25500% 25501If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. 25502 -- Ronald Reagan 25503% 25504ignisecond, n: 25505 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car 25506 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" 25507 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 25508% 25509IGNORANCE: 25510 When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out. 25511% 25512Ignorance is bliss. 25513 -- Thomas Gray 25514 25515Fortune updates the great quotes, #42: 25516 BLISS is ignorance. 25517% 25518Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the 25519rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow. 25520 -- Franklin K. Dane 25521% 25522Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out. 25523% 25524Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people 25525so resolutely pursuing it. 25526% 25527Ignore previous fortune. 25528% 25529Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux 25530 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, 25531Enmimes sont les gougebosquex, 25532 Et le momerade horgrave. 25533 25534Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 25535 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 25536Und aller-mumsige Burggoven 25537 Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. 25538% 25539I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words. 25540 -- Lenny Bruce 25541% 25542I'll be Grateful when they're Dead. 25543% 25544I'll burn my books. 25545 -- Christopher Marlowe 25546% 25547I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's 25548in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ. 25549 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up" 25550% 25551I'll grant thee random access to my heart, 25552Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; 25553And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove 25554And in our bound partition never part. 25555 25556Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? 25557Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, 25558A root or two, a torus and a node: 25559The inverse of my verse, a null domain. 25560 25561I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, 25562I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. 25563Bernoulli would have been content to die 25564Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)! 25565% 25566I'll learn to play the Saxophone, 25567I play just what I feel. 25568Drink Scotch whisky all night long, 25569And die behind the wheel. 25570They got a name for the winners in the world, 25571I want a name when I lose. 25572They call Alabama the Crimson Tide, 25573Call me Deacon Blues. 25574 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues" 25575% 25576I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon... 25577 -- Pink Floyd 25578% 25579I'll never get off this planet. 25580 -- Luke Skywalker 25581% 25582I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me. 25583% 25584I'll turn over a new leaf. 25585 -- Miguel de Cervantes 25586% 25587Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask 25588any Indian. 25589 -- Robert Orben 25590 25591Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 25592 -- Jack Paar 25593% 25594Illegitimi non carborundum 25595(translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.) 25596% 25597Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot: 25598it's more like the land He's trying to ignore. 25599% 25600Illiterate? Write today, for free help! 25601% 25602Illusion is the first of all pleasures. 25603 -- Voltaire 25604% 25605I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe 25606that I could have evolved from man. 25607% 25608"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." 25609 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of 25610 the idea of a doomsday machine. 25611"I'm a doctor, not an escalator." 25612 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant 25613 Ellen up a steep incline. 25614"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer." 25615 -- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta. 25616"I'm a doctor, not an engineer." 25617 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in 25618 Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise. 25619"I'm a doctor, not a coalminer." 25620 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2. 25621"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist." 25622 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark 25623 that Kirk talked strangely. 25624"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor." 25625 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the 25626 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4. 25627"What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?" 25628 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a 25629 physical exam to answer the alert. 25630% 25631I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on 25632a sports jacket and take off my brain. 25633% 25634I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to 25635 thank everyone for making this night necessary. 25636 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor 25637% 25638I'm all for computer dating, but I 25639wouldn't want one to marry my sister. 25640% 25641I'm always looking for a new idea that 25642will be more productive than its cost. 25643 -- David Rockefeller 25644% 25645I'm an artist. 25646But it's not what I really want to do. 25647What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman. 25648I know what you're going to say -- 25649"Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds." 25650All right! But it's what I want to do. 25651Instead I have to go on painting all day long. 25652 25653The world should make a place for shoe salesmen. 25654 -- J. Feiffer 25655% 25656I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe 25657that I could have been created by man. 25658% 25659"I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!" 25660 -- Zippy the Pinhead 25661% 25662I'm dying beyond my means. 25663 -- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne 25664% 25665"I'm dying," he croaked. 25666"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . 25667"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. 25668"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. 25669"The fire is going out," he bellowed. 25670"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused. 25671"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me. 25672"You snake," she rattled. 25673"Someone's at the door," she chimed. 25674"Company's coming," she guessed. 25675"Dawn came too soon," she mourned. 25676"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed. 25677"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed. 25678"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly. 25679"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely. 25680 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex" 25681% 25682I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. 25683 -- George McGovern 25684% 25685I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults. 25686 -- Gore Vidal 25687% 25688I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say "I've 25689just had a good war. 25690 -- Mae West 25691% 25692I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality. 25693% 25694I'm glad I was not born before tea. 25695 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845) 25696% 25697I'm glad that I'm an American, 25698I'm glad that I am free, 25699But I wish I were a little doggy, 25700And McGovern were a tree. 25701% 25702I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens 25703every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share 25704it with you. 25705 25706> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and 25707 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue. 25708> And in LA it's 72. 25709 25710> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity 25711 is a million percent. 25712> And in LA it's 72. 25713 25714> In New York there are a million interesting people. 25715> And in LA there are 72. 25716% 25717I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. 25718 -- Fred Allen 25719% 25720I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. 25721 -- Woody Allen 25722% 25723I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear. 25724 -- John Foreman 25725% 25726I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson 25727says a war isn't really a war without my jokes. 25728 -- Bob Hope 25729% 25730I'm hungry, time to eat lunch. 25731% 25732I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? 25733 -- Harold Urey 25734% 25735I'm just as sad as sad can be! 25736 I've missed your special date. 25737Please say that you're not mad at me 25738 My tax return is late. 25739 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards 25740% 25741I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be 25742living apart. 25743 -- E.E. Cummings 25744% 25745I'm N-ary the tree, I am, 25746N-ary the tree, I am, I am. 25747I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, 25748She's traversed me seven times before. 25749And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) 25750Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) 25751I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. 25752N-ary the tree I am, I am, 25753N-ary the tree I am. 25754 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders 25755% 25756I'm not a lovable man. 25757 -- Richard Nixon. 25758% 25759I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out 25760with twenty-eight years ago. 25761 -- Will Rogers 25762% 25763I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens. 25764 -- Woody Allen 25765% 25766I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to 25767match the men. 25768 -- George Eliot 25769% 25770I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN. 25771 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C 25772% 25773I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you. 25774% 25775I'm not offering myself as an example; 25776every life evolves by its own laws. 25777% 25778I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally. 25779% 25780I'm not proud. 25781% 25782"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!" 25783% 25784I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President. 25785 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964 25786% 25787I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert! 25788% 25789I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't 25790that good. 25791 -- Amy Gorin 25792% 25793I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol 25794that some thinkle peep I am. 25795It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. 25796% 25797I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli- 25798gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there, 25799and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing 25800to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as 25801yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you 25802really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but 25803what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's 25804okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in. 25805 -- Carl Sagan 25806% 25807I'm prepared for all emergencies but 25808totally unprepared for everyday life. 25809% 25810I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is 25811-- I could be just as proud for half the money. 25812 -- Arthur Godfrey 25813% 25814I'm really enjoying not talking to you... 25815Let's not talk again REAL soon... 25816% 25817I'm so broke I can't even pay attention. 25818% 25819I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here. 25820% 25821I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma. 25822% 25823I'm sorry I missed. 25824 -- Squeaky Fromme 25825% 25826I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you. 25827% 25828I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. 25829% 25830I'm successful because I'm lucky. 25831The harder I work, the luckier I get. 25832% 25833"I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking 25834a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel." 25835 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under 25836my arm." 25837% 25838I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, 25839I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; 25840In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, 25841I am the very model of a modern Major-General. 25842 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance" 25843% 25844I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life, 25845like pigeons and Catholics. 25846 -- Woody Allen 25847% 25848Imagination is more important than knowledge. 25849 -- A. Einstein 25850% 25851Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. 25852 -- Jules de Gaultier 25853% 25854Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual 25855way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of 25856complaining. 25857 -- Jeff Raskin 25858% 25859Imagine me going around with a pot belly. 25860It would mean political ruin. 25861 -- Adolf Hitler 25862% 25863Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a 25864150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a 25865screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition 25866for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first 25867question that the computer community asks? 25868 25869"Is it PC compatible?" 25870% 25871Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try. 25872 -- John Lennon, "Imagine" 25873% 25874Imagine what we can imagine! 25875 -- Arthur Rubinstein 25876% 25877Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely. 25878 -- Genji 25879% 25880Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension: 25881 In order for something to become clean, something else must 25882 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting 25883 anything clean. 25884% 25885Imitation is the sincerest form of television. 25886 -- Fred Allen 25887% 25888Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant. 25889% 25890Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan. 25891% 25892Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal. 25893 -- Lionel Trilling 25894% 25895Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal. 25896 -- T.S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger" 25897% 25898Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 25899 -- Jack Paar 25900% 25901Immortality -- a fate worse than death. 25902 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 25903% 25904Immutability, Three Rules of: 25905 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will. 25906 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will. 25907 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will. 25908% 25909IMPARTIAL: 25910 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from 25911 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two 25912 conflicting opinions. 25913% 25914Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. 25915Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading 25916it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving 25917from where you left them to where you can't find them. 25918% 25919In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin 25920in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to 25921revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from 25922behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka 25923shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops. 25924 25925It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the 25926ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go. 25927% 25928In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the 25929dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government 25930more to its liking. 25931 25932In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of 25933Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its 25934liking. 25935% 25936In a bottle, the neck is always at the top. 25937% 25938In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse, 25939an IC will blow to protect the fuse. 25940% 25941In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves: 25942the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy. 25943% 25944In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death 25945by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat, 25946has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat. 25947 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937 25948% 25949In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room 25950humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network 25951anyway. 25952 -- The 5th Wave 25953% 25954In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. 25955Only we can't control when the five year period will begin. 25956% 25957In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is 25958placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker. 25959% 25960In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the 25961other really likes. 25962 -- Elizabeth Ashley 25963% 25964In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... 25965in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent 25966to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who 25967have not yet reached their level of incompetence. 25968 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle" 25969% 25970In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between 25971frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they 25972are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with 25973minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct 25974compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can 25975lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, 25976this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. 25977% 25978In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search 25979of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest 25980because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only 25981person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is 25982superior to Tops10. 25983% 25984In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's 25985taste and in a sports car it's impossible. 25986% 25987In America any boy may become President, and I suppose that's just the 25988risk he takes. 25989 -- Adlai Stevenson 25990% 25991In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. 25992% 25993In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to 25994be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's 25995beloved. 25996 -- Russell Baker 25997% 25998In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly. 25999% 26000In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the 26001sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order. 26002 -- Idi Amin Dada 26003% 26004In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) 26005are to be treated as variables. 26006% 26007In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work, 26008the answer may be obtained by inspection. 26009% 26010In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- 26011it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. 26012 -- Stuart Keate 26013% 26014IN BOX: 26015 A catch basin for everything you don't want 26016 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away. 26017% 26018In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless 26019the cows are known sluts. 26020 -- Johnny Carson 26021% 26022In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it 26023made the World Series just something that came later. 26024 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner 26025% 26026In buying horses and taking a wife 26027shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God. 26028% 26029In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he 26030thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent 26031teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig 26032said, "up to the mathematicians." 26033 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985 26034% 26035In California they don't throw their garbadge away -- they make 26036it into television shows. 26037 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" 26038% 26039In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended. 26040% 26041In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling 26042against prayer in schools will be temporarily cancelled. 26043% 26044In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!" 26045 -- The Kidner Report 26046% 26047In case of fire, yell "FIRE!" 26048% 26049In case of injury notify your superior immediately. 26050He'll kiss it and make it better. 26051% 26052In charity there is no excess. 26053 -- Francis Bacon 26054% 26055In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her 26056husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never 26057be free of subjugation. 26058 -- The Hindu Code of Manu 26059% 26060In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter. 26061% 26062In Cristianity, a man may have only one wife. 26063This is called Monotony. 26064% 26065In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. 26066 -- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery 26067% 26068In dwelling, be close to the land. 26069In meditation, delve deep into the heart. 26070In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. 26071In speech, be true. 26072In work, be competent. 26073In action, be careful of your timing. 26074 -- Lao Tsu 26075% 26076In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our 26077programming languages. 26078% 26079In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. 26080 -- Thomas Jefferson 26081% 26082In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours. 26083 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 26084% 26085In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. 26086Find the fun and snap! The job's a game. 26087And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake, 26088 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see. 26089 -- Mary Poppins 26090% 26091In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug. 26092% 26093In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier 26094transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform 26095in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and 26096spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime. 26097 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900 26098% 26099In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder; 26100in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft. 26101% 26102In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because 26103I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up 26104because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I 26105didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the 26106Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came 26107for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up. 26108 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller 26109% 26110In God we trust; all else we walk through. 26111% 26112In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker 26113know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak? 26114 -- Plato 26115% 26116In her first passion woman loves her lover, 26117In all the others all she loves is love. 26118 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" 26119% 26120In high school in Brooklyn 26121I was the baseball manager, 26122proud as I could be 26123I chased baseballs, 26124gathered thrown bats 26125handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own 26126It was very important work but it was dark blue while 26127for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green 26128but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything 26129When the team got to me about my blue jacket; 26130their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends 26131I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year 26132Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket 26133got these jackets, and among all those green ones 26134surely not a manager Even now, forty years after, 26135 I still recall that jacket 26136 and the memory goes on hurting. 26137 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" 26138% 26139In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together 26140afterwards that causes the problems. 26141 -- Shelley Winters 26142% 26143In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it. 26144 -- Rex Reed 26145% 26146In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into 26147use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather 26148which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. 26149 -- Mark Twain 26150% 26151In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, 26152murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci 26153and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had 26154five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce? 26155The cuckoo-clock. 26156 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man" 26157% 26158In just seven days, I can make you a man! 26159 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show 26160 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.] 26161% 26162In less than a century, computers will be making substantial 26163progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace. 26164 -- James Slagle 26165% 26166In like a dimwit, out like a light. 26167 -- Pogo 26168% 26169In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original. 26170 -- Bruton 26171% 26172In marriage, as in war, it is permitted 26173to take every advantage of the enemy. 26174% 26175In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but 26176the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they 26177have obtained from books of travel. 26178 -- Mark Twain 26179% 26180In matters of principle, stand like a rock; 26181in matters of taste, swim with the current. 26182 -- Thomas Jefferson 26183% 26184In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. 26185 -- Josi Simon 26186% 26187In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf. 26188It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game. 26189% 26190In most instances, all an argument 26191proves is that two people are present. 26192% 26193In my end is my beginning. 26194 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots 26195% 26196In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending 26197your left leg, it's modern architecture. 26198 -- Nancy Banks Smith 26199% 26200IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out 26201becoming pure energy. 26202 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 26203% 26204In Nature there are neither rewards nor 26205punishments, there are consequences. 26206 -- R.G. Ingersoll 26207% 26208In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- 26209a practice which is still continued. 26210 -- Helen Rowland 26211% 26212In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension. 26213% 26214In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is; 26215you're what's left. 26216% 26217In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. 26218% 26219In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. 26220It is not always an easy sacrifice. 26221% 26222In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence 26223is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. 26224 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 26225% 26226In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, 26227intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption 26228from the cares of office. 26229% 26230In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy. 26231% 26232In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced 26233a Prime Minister worthy of assassination. 26234 -- John Diefenbaker 26235% 26236In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia, 26237happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary. 26238 -- Paul Licker 26239% 26240In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you 26241want the other person. 26242 -- Margaret Anderson 26243% 26244In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant. 26245 -- Will Durst 26246% 26247In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really 26248good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change 26249their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really 26250do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are 26251human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot 26252recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion. 26253 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address 26254% 26255In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian. 26256% 26257In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart. 26258 -- Ann Frank 26259% 26260In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing. 26261 -- Alan Kay 26262% 26263In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!" 26264And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it. 26265% 26266In the beginning was the word. 26267But by the time the second word was added to it, 26268There was trouble. 26269For with it came syntax ... 26270 -- John Simon 26271% 26272In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the 26273Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact 26274which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative, 26275intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page 2627614, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and 26277fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest 26278discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers 26279to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that 26280memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote: 26281 26282 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and 26283 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide 26284 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable 26285 combination." 26286 26287Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he 26288could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever. 26289% 26290In the days of old, 26291When Knights were bold, 26292 And women were too cautious; 26293Oh, those gallant days, 26294When women were women, 26295 And men were really obnoxious. 26296% 26297In the dimestores and bus stations 26298People talk of situations 26299Read books repeat quotations 26300Draw conclusions on the wall. 26301 -- Bob Dylan 26302% 26303In the early morning queue, 26304With a listing in my hand. 26305With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9, 26306Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go. 26307I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue, 26308How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows. 26309In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft, 26310With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast. 26311 Hey, there it goes my friend, 26312 I've moved up one at last. 26313 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early 26314 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot 26315% 26316In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It changes 26317into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird 26318moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This 26319message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making 26320its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue 26321sky at its back, returns home. 26322 26323The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not. 26324The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message. 26325The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know 26326 that the bird has come and gone. 26327% 26328In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man. 26329 -- Martin Mull 26330% 26331In the first place, God made idiots; 26332this was for practice; then he made school boards. 26333 -- Mark Twain 26334% 26335In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 26336the proper order then why can't he? 26337% 26338In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 26339the proper order then why can't he? 26340 26341 26342I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah 26343Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda 26344 S-O-D-A soda 26345I saw the little runt sitting there on a log 26346I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda 26347 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 26348 26349Well I've been around but I ain't never seen 26350A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green 26351 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 26352Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand 26353How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand 26354 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 26355 -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks 26356% 26357In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians. 26358 -- Joseph Stalin 26359% 26360In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. 26361You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them. 26362% 26363In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. 26364 -- Lenny Bruce 26365% 26366In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, 26367woman is merely an instrument of pleasure. 26368 -- Tolstoy 26369% 26370In the land of the dark the Ship of the 26371Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. 26372 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead 26373% 26374In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. 26375 -- Alan Perlis 26376% 26377In the long run we are all dead. 26378 -- John Maynard Keynes 26379% 26380In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands 26381a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to 26382the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus. 26383 26384Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first? 26385A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths. 26386% 26387In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man 26388noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of 26389the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet 26390conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this 26391jaded group. Why don't I take you home?"" 26392 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you 26393live?" 26394% 26395In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not 26396displeasing to us. 26397 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 26398% 26399In the next world, you're on your own. 26400% 26401In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the 26402wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After 26403everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the 26404camp. 26405 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from 26406a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get 26407louder and louder. 26408 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like 26409the sound of those drums." 26410 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S 26411NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER." 26412% 26413In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a 26414loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to 26415you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty 26416lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog 26417and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it 26418was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you. 26419 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 26420% 26421In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and 26422struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny 26423and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the 26424crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch. 26425 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian 26426 novel. 26427% 26428In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has 26429shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old 26430Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred 26431thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the 26432Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is 26433something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of 26434conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 26435 -- Mark Twain 26436% 26437In the Spring, I have counted 136 26438different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. 26439 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather 26440% 26441In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator. 26442% 26443In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop 26444out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques. 26445 -- Art Linkletter 26446% 26447In the war of wits, he's unarmed. 26448% 26449In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. 26450In practice, there is. 26451% 26452In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain. 26453 -- Pliny the Elder 26454% 26455In this vale 26456Of toil and sin 26457Your head grows bald 26458But not your chin. 26459 -- Burma Shave 26460% 26461In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. 26462 -- Benjamin Franklin 26463% 26464In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be 26465thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. 26466 -- H.L. Mencken 26467% 26468In this world some people are going to like me and some are not. 26469So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me. 26470% 26471In this world there are only two tragedies. One is 26472not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. 26473 -- Oscar Wilde 26474% 26475In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it. 26476% 26477In time, every post tends to be occupied by an 26478employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties. 26479 -- Dr. L.J. Peter 26480% 26481In /users3 did Kubla Kahn 26482A stately pleasure dome decree, 26483Where /bin, the sacred river ran 26484Through Test Suites measureless to Man 26485Down to a sunless C. 26486% 26487In war it is not men, but the man who counts. 26488 -- Napoleon 26489% 26490In war, truth is the first casualty. 26491 -- U Thant 26492% 26493In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking? 26494% 26495In wine there is truth (In vino veritas). 26496 -- Pliny 26497% 26498In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree 26499But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree. 26500% 26501In Xanadu did Kubla Khan 26502A stately pleasure dome decree: 26503Where Alph, the sacred river, ran 26504Through caverns measureless to man 26505Down to a sunless sea. 26506So twice five miles of fertile ground 26507With walls and towers were girdled round: 26508And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills, 26509Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree; 26510And here were forest ancient as the hills, 26511Enfolding sunny spots of greenery. 26512 -- S.T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn" 26513% 26514In youth, it was a way I had 26515To do my best to please, 26516And change, with every passing lad, 26517To suit his theories. 26518 26519But now I know the things I know, 26520And do the things I do; 26521And if you do not like me so, 26522To hell, my love, with you! 26523 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer" 26524% 26525INCENTIVE PROGRAM: 26526 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses 26527 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with 26528 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective 26529 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to 26530 keep it." 26531% 26532Include me out. 26533% 26534Increased knowledge will help you now. 26535Have mate's phone bugged. 26536% 26537INCUMBENT: 26538 Person of livliest interest to the outcumbents. 26539% 26540Indecision is the true basis for flexibility. 26541% 26542Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as 26543`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled 26544with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.' 26545 -- M.D. Epstein 26546% 26547INDEX: 26548 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an 26549 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be. 26550% 26551Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and 26552basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley 26553is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee. 26554 -- Carolyn Jones 26555% 26556Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? 26557% 26558Individualists unite! 26559% 26560Indomitable in retreat; invincible in 26561advance; insufferable in victory. 26562 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery 26563% 26564infancy, n: 26565 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies 26566about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. 26567 -- Ambrose Bierce 26568% 26569Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the 26570Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does. 26571 -- Ambrose Bierce 26572% 26573Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. 26574% 26575Information Center: 26576 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to 26577 tell you why you cannot have the information you require. 26578% 26579Information is the inverse of entropy. 26580% 26581Information Processing: 26582 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with 26583 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence. 26584% 26585Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 26586 26587 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: 26588 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! 26589 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet 26590 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen 26591 obedicing the instructs of the vessel. 26592 26593 On the door in a Belgrade hotel: 26594 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on 26595 the service. Our utmost will improve it. 26596 26597 -- Colin Bowles 26598% 26599Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 26600 26601 Sign on a cathedral in Spain: 26602 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if 26603 dressed as a man. 26604 26605 Above the enterance to a Cairo bar: 26606 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband 26607 or similar. 26608 26609 On a Bucharest elevator: 26610 26611 The lift is being fixed for the next days. 26612 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. 26613 26614 -- Colin Bowles 26615% 26616Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 26617 26618 Various signs in Poland: 26619 26620 Right turn toward immediate outside. 26621 26622 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. 26623 26624 Five o'clock tea at all hours. 26625 26626 In a men's washroom in Sidney: 26627 26628 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start, 26629 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands 26630 on front of shirt. 26631 26632 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle 26633% 26634ingrate, n: 26635 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, 26636 and then complains of indigestion. 26637% 26638Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 26639 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 26640% 26641ink, n: 26642 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, 26643 and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of 26644 idiocy and promote intellectual crime. 26645 -- H.L. Mencken 26646% 26647Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one 26648likes oneself. 26649 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect" 26650% 26651INNOVATE: 26652 Annoy people. 26653% 26654Innovation is hard to schedule. 26655 -- Dan Fylstra 26656% 26657INNUENDO: 26658 Italian enema. 26659% 26660Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same 26661token it is the shortest detour to marriage. 26662 -- Wilson Mizner 26663% 26664Insanity is inherited, you get it from your kids! 26665% 26666Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when 26667the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. 26668% 26669INSECURITY: 26670 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your 26671 favorite words. 26672 26673 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to 26674 the person who told it to you. 26675% 26676Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. 26677% 26678Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. 26679% 26680Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first 26681 hunting accident?" 26682Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes." 26683 -- Woody Allen 26684% 26685Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile. 26686% 26687Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't 26688they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning 26689anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five 26690years we would have the smartest race of people on earth. 26691 -- The Best of Will Rogers 26692% 26693Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better. 26694 -- Edgar W. Howe 26695% 26696Integrity has no need for rules. 26697% 26698Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way. 26699 -- Henry Spencer 26700% 26701Intellect annuls Fate. 26702So far as a man thinks, he is free. 26703 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 26704% 26705Interchangeable parts won't. 26706% 26707INTEREST: 26708 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and 26709 burned out employees must feign. 26710% 26711Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the 26712street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US 26713invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; 26714and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?" 26715 -- David Letterman 26716% 26717Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're 26718best at, that's what I say. 26719 -- Doctor Who 26720% 26721INTERPRETER: 26722 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand 26723 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the 26724 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. 26725% 26726Into love and out again, 26727 Thus I went and thus I go. 26728Spare your voice, and hold your pen: 26729 Well and bitterly I know 26730All the songs were ever sung, 26731 All the words were ever said; 26732Could it be, when I was young, 26733 Someone dropped me on my head? 26734 -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory" 26735% 26736INTOXICATED: 26737 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it. 26738% 26739Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor. 26740 26741INSTRUCTION SET 26742 Code Mnemonic What 26743 0 NOP No Operation 26744 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits) 26745 26746Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents! 26747% 26748Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac! 26749% 26750Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing -- 26751it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up. 26752 -- Bernard Cooke 26753% 26754I/O, I/O, 26755It's off to disk I go, 26756A bit or byte to read or write, 26757I/O, I/O, I/O... 26758% 26759 26760 26761_/I\_____________o______________o___/I\ l * / /_/ * __ ' .* l 26762I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\ l *// _l__l_ . *. l 26763 [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l 26764 [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l l \\ // ____ >-( )-< / l 26765 [__][__][_l l[__][__][l l][__][] l l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l 26766 [][__][__]l .l_][__][__] .l__][__] l l ll _(o_o)_ (@*_*@ l 26767 [__][__][/ <_)[__][__]/ <_)][__][] l l ll ( / \ ) / / / ) l 26768 [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l l / \\ _\ \_ / _\_\ l 26769 [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l l______________________________l 26770 [__][__]] l , , . [__][__][] l 26771 [][__][_] l . i. '/ , [][__][__] l /\**/\ season's 26772 [__][__]] l O .\ / /, O [__][__][] l ( o_o )_) greetings 26773_[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u u ,),__________________ 26774 [__][__]]/ /l\-------/l\ [__][__][]/ {}{}{}{}{}{}<R> 26775 26776In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside. 26777 26778% 26779IOT trap -- core dumped 26780% 26781IOT trap -- mos dumped 26782% 26783Iowa State -- the high school after high school! 26784 -- Crow T. Robot 26785% 26786Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because 26787they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those 26788little paper envelopes. 26789% 26790Iron Law of Distribution: 26791 Them that has, gets. 26792% 26793IRONY: 26794 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with 26795 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes. 26796% 26797Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less? 26798% 26799Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast? 26800% 26801"Is a tatoo real, like a curb or a battleship? 26802Or are we suffering in Safeway?" 26803 -- Zippy the Pinhead 26804% 26805Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch? 26806% 26807Is death legally binding? 26808% 26809Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is 26810meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as 26811a soap bubble? 26812% 26813Is it weird in here, or is it just me? 26814 -- Steven Wright 26815% 26816Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that? 26817% 26818Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning 26819of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, 26820and such as are out wish to get in? 26821 -- Ralph Emerson 26822% 26823Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. 26824 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex" 26825% 26826Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? 26827 -- Mae West 26828% 26829Is that really YOU that is reading this? 26830% 26831"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?" 26832"To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time." 26833"The dog did nothing in the night-time." 26834"That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes. 26835% 26836Is there life before breakfast? 26837% 26838Is this really happening? 26839% 26840Isn't air travel wonderful? 26841Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil. 26842% 26843Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent 26844person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind? 26845 -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters 26846% 26847Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction 26848listen to weather forecasts and economists? 26849 -- Kelvin Throop III 26850% 26851Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives 26852avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that 26853would make them better prospects? 26854% 26855Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live 26856there? 26857 -- Herb Caen 26858% 26859Isn't it strange that the same people that 26860laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? 26861% 26862ISO applications: 26863 A solution in search of a problem! 26864% 26865Issawi's Laws of Progress: 26866 The Course of Progress: 26867 Most things get steadily worse. 26868 The Path of Progress: 26869 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 26870% 26871It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the 26872most widely used higher level language for systems programming. 26873 -- J. Sammet 26874% 26875It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, 26876Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt. 26877It lies behind starts and under hills, 26878And empty holes it fills. 26879It comes first and follows after, 26880Ends life, kills laughter. 26881% 26882"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is 26883any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's 26884horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's 26885existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be 26886that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a 26887thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's 26888horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's 26889horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that 26890Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only 26891have wings by not being Walter's horse. 26892 26893I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P 26894then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand 26895for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is 26896necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a 26897better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me. 26898 -- A.N. Prior, "Time and Modality" 26899% 26900It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. 26901 -- Benjamin Disraeli 26902% 26903It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would 26904interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation 26905for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were 26906invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by 26907was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is 26908hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have 26909carried me. 26910 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time" 26911% 26912It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations. 26913% 26914It does not matter if you fall down as long as you 26915pick up something from the floor while you get up. 26916% 26917It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've 26918done and what you're going to do. 26919% 26920It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose. 26921% 26922It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out 26923next morning it was someone else. 26924 -- Rogers 26925% 26926It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan 26927which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, 26928insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather 26929than be the instrument of his army's downfall. 26930 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought" 26931% 26932It gets late early out there. 26933 -- Yogi Berra 26934% 26935It got to the point where I had to get a haircut 26936or both feet firmly planted in the air. 26937% 26938It hangs down from the chandelier 26939Nobody knows quite what it does 26940Its color is odd and its shape is weird 26941It emits a high-sounding buzz 26942 26943It grows a couple of feet each day 26944and wriggles with sort of a twitch 26945Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from 26946a visiting uncle who's rich! 26947 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear" 26948% 26949It happened long ago 26950In the new magic land 26951The Indians and the buffalo 26952Existed hand in hand 26953The Indians needed food 26954They need skins for a roof 26955The only took what they needed 26956And the buffalo ran loose 26957But then came the white man 26958With his thick and empty head 26959He couldn't see past his billfold 26960He wanted all the buffalo dead 26961It was sad, oh so sad. 26962 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo" 26963% 26964It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came 26965out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and applauded. 26966He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I think the world 26967will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe 26968that it is a joke. 26969% 26970It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be 26971most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment, 26972it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind. 26973 -- H. Warner Munn 26974% 26975It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it 26976is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists 26977have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. 26978 -- Ambrose Bierce 26979% 26980It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life 26981I have been searching for evidence which could support this. 26982 -- Bertrand Russell 26983% 26984It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends 26985and getting people under the influence. 26986 -- Jeremy Tunstall 26987% 26988It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 26989% 26990It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill, 26991or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who 26992achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom 26993good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy 26994notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all 26995infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from 26996folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens 26997their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that 26998appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge, 26999and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum 27000competence will be quite enough. 27001 -- The Underground Grammarian 27002% 27003It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely 27004the most important. 27005 -- Sherlock Holmes 27006% 27007It has long been an axiom of mine that the 27008little things are infinitely the most important. 27009 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity" 27010% 27011It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the 27012manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle 27013baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest 27014is nest, and never the mane shall tweet. 27015% 27016It has long been known that one horse can run faster 27017than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial. 27018 -- Lazarus Long 27019% 27020It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of 27021indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury 27022is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim 27023of infanticide. 27024 -- Edmond About 27025% 27026It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, 27027to argue with the belly, since it has no ears. 27028 -- Marcus Porcius Cato 27029% 27030It is a lesson which all history teaches 27031wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances. 27032 -- Emerson 27033% 27034It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. 27035% 27036It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish. 27037 -- Aeschylus 27038% 27039It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was 27040my age, he had been dead for 2 years. 27041 -- Tom Lehrer 27042% 27043It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but 27044it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to 27045organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The 27046manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and 27047I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities. 27048 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they 27049could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months, 27050three more than the schedule allowed. 27051 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they 27052could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating; 27053it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule. 27054Futhermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling 27055their thumbs for ten months. 27056 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control 27057program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time, 27058but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and 27059it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual 27060integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would 27061estimate that it added a year to debugging time. 27062 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 27063% 27064It is a wise father that knows his own child. 27065 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 27066% 27067It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. 27068What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing 27069thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? 27070 -- Alan Perlis 27071% 27072It is all right to hold a conversation, 27073but you should let go of it now and then. 27074 -- Richard Armour 27075% 27076It is always the best policy to speak the truth, 27077unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. 27078 -- Jerome K. Jerome 27079% 27080It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, 27081you are an exceptionally good liar. 27082 -- Jerome K. Jerome 27083% 27084It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness. 27085% 27086It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. 27087 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) 27088% 27089It is bad luck to be superstitious. 27090 -- Andrew W. Mathis 27091% 27092[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time. 27093 -- K&R 27094% 27095It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged. 27096% 27097It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all. 27098% 27099It is better to burn out than it is to rust. 27100% 27101It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. 27102% 27103It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same. 27104% 27105It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall. 27106% 27107It is better to have loved and lost -- much better. 27108% 27109It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. 27110% 27111It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark. 27112% 27113It is better to live rich than to die rich. 27114 -- Samuel Johnson 27115% 27116It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan. 27117% 27118It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental. 27119% 27120It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free, 27121and weight yourself down with invisible chains. 27122% 27123It is better to wear out than to rust out. 27124% 27125It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: 27126freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. 27127 -- Mark Twain 27128% 27129It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, 27130admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. 27131 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 27132% 27133It is contrary to reasoning to say that there 27134is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing. 27135 -- Descartes 27136% 27137It is convenient that there be gods, and, 27138as it is convenient, let us believe there are. 27139 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) 27140% 27141It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might 27142remember. 27143 -- Eugene McCarthy 27144% 27145It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators. 27146% 27147It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive 27148and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing 27149rabbits singing about toilet paper. 27150 -- R. Serling 27151% 27152It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys. 27153% 27154It is easier for a camel to pass through the 27155eye of a needle if it is lightly greased. 27156 -- Kehlog Albran 27157% 27158It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its 27159proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a 27160better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat 27161your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of 27162attention, the harder the task. 27163 -- Sydney J. Harris 27164% 27165It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. 27166% 27167It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 27168 -- Alfred Adler 27169% 27170It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig. 27171 -- George Santayana 27172% 27173It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. 27174 -- Leonardo da Vinci 27175% 27176It is easier to run down a hill than up one. 27177% 27178It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. 27179% 27180It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted. 27181 -- Aeschylus 27182% 27183It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination 27184of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends... 27185 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters 27186% 27187It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he 27188holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who 27189is there, but speed him when he wishes. 27190 -- Homer, "The Odyssey" 27191 27192 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 27193 referring to scheduling.] 27194% 27195It is exactly because a man cannot do a 27196thing that he is a proper judge of it. 27197 -- Oscar Wilde 27198% 27199It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This 27200is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the 27201last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give 27202enough. 27203 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin" 27204% 27205It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love. 27206% 27207It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities 27208without your help. 27209 -- Miss Manners 27210% 27211It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life. 27212% 27213It is fruitless: 27214 to become lacrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid. 27215 27216 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with 27217 innovative maneuvers. 27218% 27219It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because 27220if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. 27221 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 27222% 27223It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion: 27224love does not lie in the ear. 27225 -- Walpole 27226% 27227It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward 27228the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the 27229case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by 27230crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars. 27231 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 27232% 27233It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised. 27234% 27235It is impossible to defend perfectly 27236against the attack of those who want to die. 27237% 27238It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly 27239unless one has plenty of work to do. 27240 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome 27241% 27242It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do. 27243 -- Jerome K. Jerome 27244% 27245It is impossible to make anything 27246foolproof because fools are so ingenious. 27247% 27248It is impossible to travel faster than light, and 27249certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. 27250 -- Woody Allen 27251% 27252IT IS IN PROCESS: 27253 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless. 27254% 27255It is indeed desirable to be well descended, 27256but the glory belongs to our ancestors. 27257 -- Plutarch 27258% 27259It is like saying that for the cause of peace, 27260God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting. 27261 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip 27262% 27263It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his 27264wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when 27265they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks 27266like a happy married life. 27267 -- Oscar Wilde 27268% 27269It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. 27270 -- Benjamin Disraeli 27271% 27272It is much easier to suggest solutions 27273when you know nothing about the problem. 27274% 27275It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. 27276% 27277It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged 27278to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the 27279youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. 27280 -- George Bernard Shaw 27281% 27282It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children. 27283 -- Kingsley Amis 27284% 27285It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide. 27286% 27287It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, 27288that makes life blessed. 27289 -- Goethe 27290% 27291It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail. 27292 -- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's 27293 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.] 27294 27295It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. 27296 -- Gore Vidal 27297 [Great minds think alike? Ed.] 27298% 27299It is not enough to have a good mind. 27300The main thing is to use it well. 27301 -- Rene Descartes 27302% 27303It is not enough to have great qualities, 27304we should also have the management of them. 27305 -- La Rochefoucauld 27306% 27307It is not every question that deserves an answer. 27308 -- Publilius Syrus 27309% 27310It is not for me to attempt to fathom the 27311inscrutable workings of Providence. 27312 -- The Earl of Birkenhead 27313% 27314It is not good for a man to be without knowledge, 27315and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way. 27316 -- Proverbs 19:2 27317% 27318It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for 27319dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but 27320she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She 27321does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a 27322dessert, why didn't you order one?' You must understand, she has the 27323dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours. 27324 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman" 27325% 27326It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply 27327that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be. 27328 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics" 27329% 27330It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether 27331the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the 27332man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and 27333blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who 27334knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a 27335worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that 27336he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory 27337or defeat. 27338 -- Teddy Roosevelt 27339% 27340It is not true that life is one damn thing after 27341another -- it's one damn thing over and over. 27342 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 27343% 27344It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on 27345the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His 27346wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a 27347kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and 27348big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair 27349and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some 27350kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife 27351sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.* 27352 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road" 27353% 27354It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? 27355 -- Elizabeth Carpenter 27356% 27357It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. 27358% 27359It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort 27360to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and 27361chemistry. 27362 -- H.L. Mencken 27363% 27364It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. 27365 -- Grace Murray Hopper 27366% 27367It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it. 27368 -- Cervantes 27369% 27370It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live 27371at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result 27372is the only thing that makes the result come true. 27373 -- William James 27374% 27375It is only with the heart one can see clearly; 27376what is essential is invisible to the eye. 27377 -- The Fox, 'The Little Prince" 27378% 27379It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost 27380anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push 27381a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible 27382way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension 27383should be used in its proper place. 27384 -- Christopher Strachey 27385% 27386It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen. 27387 -- Maimie Van Doren 27388% 27389It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that 27390have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are 27391mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. 27392 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 27393% 27394It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat 27395rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they 27396kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest. 27397 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's 27398% 27399It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, 27400his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the 27401worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one 27402day like any other day, only shorter. 27403 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies" 27404% 27405It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a 27406sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate 27407in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, 27408too, shall pass away." 27409 -- A. Lincoln 27410% 27411It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the 27412lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as 27413high as the eagle? 27414% 27415It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for. 27416 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard 27417% 27418It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the 27419devil when he is the only explanation of it. 27420 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight" 27421% 27422It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of- 27423yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up. 27424% 27425It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a 27426statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious 27427to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, 27428which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the 27429highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details, 27430worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour. 27431 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" 27432% 27433It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. 27434 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 27435% 27436It is the business of little minds to shrink. 27437 -- Carl Sandburg 27438% 27439It is the business of the future to be dangerous. 27440 -- Hawkwind 27441% 27442It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will 27443set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs. 27444 -- Francis Bacon 27445% 27446It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. 27447 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 27448% 27449It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour. 27450 -- Francis Bacon 27451% 27452It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree. 27453% 27454It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously 27455lives, works and has his being. 27456 -- Thomas Carlyle 27457% 27458It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five 27459straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes 27460Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. 27461% 27462It is up to us to produce better-quality movies. 27463 -- Lloyd Kaufman, 27464 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator" 27465% 27466It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. 27467It produces a false impression. 27468 -- Oscar Wilde. 27469% 27470It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure. 27471 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 27472% 27473It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final. 27474 -- Roger Babson 27475% 27476It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire. 27477 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 27478% 27479It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world. 27480% 27481It isn't easy being green. 27482 -- Kermit the Frog 27483% 27484It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty 27485small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands 27486computers. 27487% 27488It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be 27489unhappy. 27490 -- Groucho Marx 27491% 27492It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with. 27493 -- Jack T. Shakespeare 27494% 27495It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods 27496to Grandmother's condo. 27497% 27498It looked like something resembling white marble, which was 27499probably what it was: something resembling white marble. 27500 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" 27501% 27502It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. 27503% 27504It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. 27505Get into that garbage chute, flyboy! 27506 -- Princess Leia Organa 27507% 27508IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about 27509a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw 27510that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." 27511 27512Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up. 27513 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 27514% 27515It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair 27516to get in, and those within despair of getting out. 27517 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne 27518% 27519It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win 27520or lose. 27521 -- Darrin Weinberg 27522% 27523It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is 27524better still to be a live lion. And usually easier. 27525 -- Lazarus Long 27526% 27527It may be that your whole purpose in life 27528is simply to serve as a warning to others. 27529% 27530It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done. 27531% 27532It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more 27533doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of 27534a new system. For the initiator has the emnity of all who would profit 27535by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders 27536in those who would gain by the new ones. 27537 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513 27538% 27539It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions 27540that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that 27541starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed. 27542 -- Arthur Binstead 27543% 27544It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. 27545% 27546It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately. 27547% 27548It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of 27549one's life and then come round. 27550 -- Lord Alfred Douglas 27551% 27552It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety. 27553% 27554It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and 27555they'll come out for it. 27556 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul 27557 Harry Cohn 27558% 27559It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones 27560slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much 27561more. 27562 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 27563% 27564It seems a little silly now, but this country 27565was founded as a protest against taxation. 27566% 27567It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should 27568be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of 27569unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of 27570artificial lubrication or foreplay. 27571 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's 27572 "Sex, Art and American Culture" 27573% 27574It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong. 27575 -- Chris Torek 27576% 27577It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level 27578language named "research student". 27579% 27580It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you. 27581% 27582It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how 27583to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, 27584and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family 27585airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The 27586average wife is like that. 27587 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike 27588% 27589It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it. 27590% 27591It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face. 27592% 27593It takes all kinds to fill the freeways. 27594 -- Crazy Charlie 27595% 27596It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder. 27597% 27598It takes less time to do a thing right 27599than it does to explain why you did it wrong. 27600 -- H.W. Longfellow 27601% 27602It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear. 27603% 27604It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card 27605may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada 27606military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said 27607the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found 27608a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army 27609officiers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the 27610Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit. 27611 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology 27612% 27613It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, 27614but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. 27615 -- Robert Benchley 27616% 27617It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the 27618system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine 27619some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very 27620sharp, probably not someone here on campus. 27621 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in 27622 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm. 27623% 27624It used to be the fun was in 27625The capture and kill. 27626In another place and time 27627I did it all for thrills. 27628 -- Lust to Love 27629% 27630It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. 27631 -- Mark Twain 27632% 27633It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. 27634% 27635It was a brave man that ate the first oyster. 27636% 27637It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest 27638since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and 27639laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class. 27640 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944" 27641% 27642It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks 27643never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies. 27644 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" 27645% 27646It was all so different before everything changed. 27647% 27648It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, 27649when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm. 27650 -- Dion, noted computer scientist 27651% 27652It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze 27653was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ... 27654 --- James Dent 27655% 27656It was one time too many 27657One word too few 27658It was all too much for me and you 27659There was one way to go 27660Nothing more we could do 27661One time too many 27662One word too few 27663 -- Meredith Tanner 27664% 27665It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest. 27666% 27667It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets," 27668thought Frito. 27669 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 27670% 27671It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps 27672I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I 27673don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and 27674the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual 27675charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its 27676novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but 27677yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable 27678man a lifetime. 27679 -- Thomas Aldrich 27680% 27681It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country 27682road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse 27683and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water 27684from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop. 27685The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked 27686to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a 27687man appeared out of an upstairs window. 27688 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly. 27689 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you 27690would let me stay here for the night." 27691 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's 27692okay with me." 27693% 27694It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. 27695Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top. 27696 -- Hunter S. Thompson 27697% 27698It was wonderful to find America, but it 27699would have been more wonderful to miss it. 27700 -- Mark Twain 27701% 27702It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded. 27703 -- Tim Conway 27704% 27705It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. 27706It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. 27707% 27708It would be nice to be sure of anything 27709the way some people are of everything. 27710% 27711It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now. 27712% 27713italic, adj: 27714 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to 27715 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases 27716 are often slanted to the left. 27717% 27718It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished. 27719% 27720It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home. 27721 -- Luke Skywalker 27722% 27723It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools. 27724 -- Danny Vermin 27725% 27726It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back 27727and party! 27728 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space" 27729% 27730It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. 27731 -- Andrew Jackson 27732% 27733It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underware. 27734 -- Cheers 27735% 27736It's a naive, domestic operating system without any 27737breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption. 27738% 27739It's a poor workman who blames his tools. 27740% 27741It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression 27742when you lose yours. 27743 -- Harry S. Truman 27744% 27745It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. 27746 -- Steven Wright 27747% 27748It's all in the mind, ya know. 27749% 27750It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. 27751 -- Mick Jagger 27752% 27753"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand 27754any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are 27755never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come 27756out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb. 27757What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of 27758flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones 27759half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, multilation, and 27760then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could 27761have thought it up, I wonder?" 27762 -- James Purdy 27763% 27764It's always darkest just before the lights go out. 27765 -- Alex Clark 27766% 27767It's amazing how many people you could be friends 27768with if only they'd make the first approach. 27769% 27770It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope. 27771% 27772It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. 27773% 27774It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away. 27775 -- Michael Arlen 27776% 27777It's bad enough that life is a rat-race, 27778but why do the rats always have to win? 27779% 27780It's better to be quotable than to be honest. 27781 -- Tom Stoppard 27782% 27783It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all. 27784 -- Marty Winch 27785% 27786It's better to burn out than it is to rust. 27787% 27788It's better to burn out than to fade away. 27789% 27790It's better to have loved and lost -- much better. 27791% 27792It's business doing pleasure with you. 27793% 27794It's clever, but is it art? 27795% 27796It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame. 27797% 27798"It's easier said than done." 27799 27800... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than 27801said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than 27802said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than 27803done". 27804% 27805It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home. 27806 -- Don Price 27807% 27808It's easier to get forgiveness for being 27809wrong than forgiveness for being right. 27810% 27811It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together. 27812 -- Washlesky 27813% 27814It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong; 27815it's much harder to forgive them for being right. 27816% 27817It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger. 27818% 27819It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! 27820 -- Macy's 27821% 27822Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism 27823in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with 27824the ignorance of the community. 27825 -- Oscar Wilde 27826% 27827It's faster horses, 27828Younger women, 27829Older whiskey and 27830More money. 27831 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life" 27832% 27833It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line. 27834 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam" 27835% 27836It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the 27837first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to 27838kill somebody. 27839 -- Dorothy Sayers 27840% 27841It's gonna be alright, 27842It's almost midnight, 27843And I've got two more bottles of wine. 27844% 27845It's hard not to like a man of many qualities, 27846even if most of them are bad. 27847% 27848It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma. 27849If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas? 27850% 27851It's hard to be humble when you're perfect. 27852% 27853It's hard to drive at the limit, but 27854it's harder to know where the limits are. 27855 -- Stirling Moss 27856% 27857It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. 27858 -- Groucho Marx 27859% 27860It's hard to keep your shirt on when 27861you're getting something off your chest. 27862% 27863It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe. 27864 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead" 27865% 27866It's hard to think of you as the end 27867result of millions of years of evolution. 27868% 27869It's important that people know what you stand for. 27870It's more important that they know what you won't stand for. 27871% 27872It's interesting to think that many quite 27873distinguished people have bodies similar to yours. 27874% 27875It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. 27876If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't 27877our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. 27878 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News" 27879% 27880It's just apartment house rules, 27881So all you 'partment house fools 27882Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor. 27883One man's ceiling is another man's floor. 27884 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor" 27885% 27886It's later than you think. 27887% 27888It's later than you think, the joint 27889Russian-American space mission has already begun. 27890% 27891It's like deja vu all over again. 27892 -- Yogi Berra 27893% 27894It's Like This 27895 27896Even the samurai 27897have teddy bears, 27898and even the teddy bears 27899get drunk. 27900% 27901It's lucky you're going so slowly, because 27902you're going in the wrong direction. 27903% 27904It's multiple choice time... 27905 27906 What is FORTRAN? 27907 27908 a: Between thre and fiv tran. 27909 b: What two computers engage in before they interface. 27910 c: Ridiculous. 27911% 27912Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. 27913It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God. 27914 -- Mark Twain 27915% 27916It's never too late to have a happy childhood. 27917% 27918It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding 27919a sickness you like. 27920 -- Jackie Mason 27921% 27922It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat. 27923% 27924It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon. 27925 -- Tom Lehrer 27926% 27927It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. 27928 -- Phil White 27929% 27930It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. 27931 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston 27932% 27933It's not easy being green. 27934 -- Kermit 27935% 27936It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. 27937 -- Alexander Korda 27938% 27939It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong. 27940 -- J.K. Galbraith 27941% 27942It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. 27943% 27944It's not that I'm afraid to die. 27945I just don't want to be there when it happens. 27946 -- Woody Allen 27947% 27948It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing. 27949% 27950It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts. 27951 -- Mae West 27952% 27953It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing the game. 27954% 27955It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game. 27956 -- Grantland Rice 27957% 27958It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game. 27959% 27960It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame. 27961% 27962It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is 27963the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages 27964"You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. 27965 -- Sydney J. Harris 27966% 27967It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain 27968what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess. 27969 -- Roger Noe 27970% 27971It's our fault. We should have given him better parts. 27972 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been 27973 elected governor of California. 27974 27975[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy 27976for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."] 27977% 27978It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve 27979as a warning to others. 27980% 27981It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; 27982poverty and wealth have both failed. 27983 -- Kim Hubbard 27984% 27985It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. 27986% 27987It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, 27988society will take full responsibility for you. 27989% 27990It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped 27991using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not 27992only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only 27993difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental 27994results to humans. 27995 27996 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.] 27997% 27998It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers 27999have been all over it. 28000 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine. 28001% 28002It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment, 28003 just to see if it's real, 28004Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel, 28005But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face, 28006So ask me just one question when this magic night is through, 28007Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you? 28008 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" 28009% 28010It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the 28011Devil when he is the only explanation for it. 28012% 28013It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten. 28014% 28015It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? 28016% 28017It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time. 28018 -- Tallulah Bankhead 28019% 28020It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises 28021the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to. 28022 -- Franklin P. Jones 28023% 28024It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... 28025boy gets another beer. 28026 -- Cheers 28027% 28028"It's today!" said Piglet. 28029"My favorite day," said Pooh. 28030% 28031It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're 28032madly in love, drunk, or running for office. 28033% 28034It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the 28035venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out. 28036 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy. 28037% 28038It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never 28039know when everything may suddenly stop happening. 28040% 28041IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or 28042 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to 28043 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. 28044 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it 28045 inevitably unsuccessful. 28046 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. 28047 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel 28048 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an 28049 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to 28050 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. 28051 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding 28052 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. 28053VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. 28054 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a 28055 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of 28056 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common 28057 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky" 28058 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high 28059 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. 28060 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 28061% 28062I've already told you more than I know. 28063% 28064I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers. 28065% 28066I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember, 28067when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day! 28068% 28069I've always made it a solemn practice to never 28070drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast. 28071 -- R. Nesson 28072% 28073I've been in more laps than a napkin. 28074 -- Mae West 28075% 28076I've Been Moved! 28077% 28078I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. 28079 -- Totie Fields 28080% 28081I've been on this lonely road so long, 28082Does anybody know where it goes, 28083I remember last time the signs pointed home, 28084A month ago. 28085 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode" 28086% 28087I've been there. 28088% 28089I've built a better model than the one at Data General 28090For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral 28091My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; 28092My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. 28093My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, 28094You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; 28095There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; 28096My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. 28097 28098I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: 28099There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, 28100Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral 28101I've built a better model than the one at Data General. 28102 28103 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song", (To the tune of 28104 "Modern Major General") 28105% 28106I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. 28107It means we get to keep all our old mistakes. 28108 -- Dennie van Tassel 28109% 28110I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. 28111% 28112I've got a very bad feeling about this. 28113 -- Han Solo 28114% 28115I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock. 28116 -- Henny Youngman 28117% 28118I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add. 28119 -- Stephen Wright 28120% 28121I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. 28122 -- Groucho Marx 28123% 28124I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. 28125I'd like to watch him have another. 28126% 28127I've looked at the listing, and it's right! 28128 -- Joel Halpern. 28129% 28130I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must 28131be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember... 28132 28133Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks. 28134% 28135I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved. 28136 -- George Gobel 28137% 28138I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say. 28139 -- Calvin Coolidge 28140% 28141I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police. 28142 -- Keith Richards 28143 28144I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of 28145bad taste. 28146 -- Keith Richards 28147% 28148I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. 28149 -- W.C. Fields 28150% 28151I've noticed several design suggestions in your code. 28152% 28153I've only got 12 cards. 28154% 28155I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not 28156like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife; 28157indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand 28158devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this. 28159I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them. 28160 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway 28161% 28162I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes 28163me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. 28164 -- Tallulah Bankhead 28165% 28166Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: 28167 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the 28168 legislature is in session. 28169% 28170jake hates 28171 all the girls(the 28172shy ones, the bold paul scorns all 28173ones; the meek the girls(the 28174proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim 28175all except the cold ones; the slim 28176 ones plump tiny tall) 28177 all except the 28178 dull ones 28179gus loves all the 28180 girls(the 28181warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls 28182ones; the mad (the 28183moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean 28184all except ones; the mean 28185 the dead ones kind dirty clean) 28186 all 28187 except the green ones 28188 -- e e cummings 28189% 28190James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his 28191West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, 28192"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general." 28193% 28194Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back 28195east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible 28196Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium 28197because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard, 28198by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social 28199grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on 28200television?" and "Good night". 28201 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho 28202 Letters, 1967 28203% 28204Japan, n: 28205 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists 28206 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It 28207 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are 28208 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from 28209 which they are harvested by the happy natives. 28210% 28211Jealousy is all the fun you think they have. 28212% 28213Jenkinson's Law: 28214 It won't work. 28215% 28216Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account. 28217You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up! 28218% 28219Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay 28220you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back! 28221% 28222Jim Nasium's Law: 28223 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people 28224 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to 28225 each other so that everybody is cramped. 28226% 28227Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and 28228I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two 28229days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem! 28230% 28231Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel 28232Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it 28233to you. You gonna pay it? 28234% 28235JOB INTERVIEW: 28236 The excruciating process during which personnel officers 28237 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff. 28238% 28239job Placement, n: 28240 Telling your boss what he can do with your job. 28241% 28242Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee. 28243 -- Snoopy 28244% 28245Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside. 28246Her voice was little more than a whisper. 28247 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make 28248before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe... 28249I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who 28250forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported 28251your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..." 28252 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought," 28253whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you." 28254% 28255Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! 28256% 28257jogger, n: 28258 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain. 28259% 28260John Dame May Oscar 28261Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde 28262But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton 28263Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder 28264 -- Willard Espy 28265% 28266John Birch Society: 28267 That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy. 28268 -- Edward P. Morgan 28269% 28270JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!! 28271 28272(George and Ringo miffed.) 28273% 28274John the Baptist after poisoning a thief, 28275Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief, 28276Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief 28277Is there a hole for me to get sick in? 28278The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly, 28279Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry. 28280And dropping a barbell he points to the sky, 28281Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken. 28282 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues" 28283% 28284Johnny Carson's Definition: 28285 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs 28286 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the 28287 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn. 28288% 28289Johnson's First Law: 28290 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the 28291 most inconvenient possible time. 28292% 28293Johnson's law: 28294 Systems resemble the organizations that create them. 28295% 28296Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". 28297Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses. 28298% 28299Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, 28300exciting people, and kill them. 28301% 28302Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands, 28303meet exciting interesting people, and kill them. 28304% 28305Jones' First Law: 28306 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of 28307 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an 28308 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the 28309 importance of their original contribution. 28310% 28311Jones' Second Law: 28312 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone 28313 to blame it on. 28314% 28315Joshu: What is the true Way? 28316Nansen: Every way is the true Way. 28317J: Can I study it? 28318N: The more you study, the further from the Way. 28319J: If I don't study it, how can I know it? 28320N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen. 28321 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do 28322 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open 28323 yourself as wide as the sky. 28324% 28325Journalism is literature in a hurry. 28326 -- Matthew Arnold 28327% 28328Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it. 28329% 28330Juall's Law on Nice Guys: 28331 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish. 28332 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start! 28333% 28334Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that 28335reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away 28336someone else's cash. 28337 -- P.G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier" 28338% 28339Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake. 28340Pick one. 28341 283421: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake. 283432: It's cheaper than going to France. 283443: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday. 283454: Life is short. 283465: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone. 283476: It matches my eyes. 283487: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me. 283498: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday. 283509: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating. 2835110: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it. 2835211: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff. 2835312: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli. 28354% 28355Just a song before I go, Going through security 28356To whom it may concern, I held her for so long. 28357Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love, 28358It's easy to get burned. And she was gone. 28359When the shows were over Just a song before I go, 28360We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned. 28361And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound 28362I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned. 28363She helped me with my suitcase, 28364She stands before my eyes, 28365Driving me to the airport 28366And to the friendly skies. 28367 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go" 28368% 28369Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot 28370remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about 28371women. 28372 -- G.B. Shaw 28373% 28374Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions 28375seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be 28376totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason 28377there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all 28378the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is 28379not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep 28380sense of respect for the whole truth. 28381 -- Stephen R. Schwambach 28382% 28383Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. 28384 -- Irene Peter 28385% 28386Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work. 28387% 28388Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't 28389going to get hit. 28390 -- Joey 28391% 28392Just because the message may never be 28393received does not mean it is not worth sending. 28394% 28395Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they 28396are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see 28397what I mean. 28398 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture. 28399% 28400Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything. 28401 -- Bob Dylan 28402% 28403Just because your doctor has a name for your 28404condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. 28405% 28406Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. 28407% 28408Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, 28409and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.' 28410 -- Glynda 28411% 28412Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours. 28413% 28414Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody 28415who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth 28416about his or her love affairs. 28417 -- Rebecca West 28418% 28419Just machines to make big decisions, 28420Programmed by men for compassion and vision, 28421We'll be clean when their work is done, 28422We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young, 28423What a beautiful world this will be, 28424What a glorious time to be free. 28425 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World" 28426% 28427Just once, I wish we would encounter 28428an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets. 28429 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" 28430% 28431Just remember, wherever you go, there you are. 28432 -- Buckeroo Banzai 28433% 28434`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, 28435 As he landed his crew with care; 28436Supporting each man on the top of the tide 28437 By a finger entwined in his hair. 28438 28439`Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: 28440 That alone should encourage the crew. 28441Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: 28442 What I tell you three times is true.' 28443% 28444Just to have it is enough. 28445% 28446Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt 28447of all the others, and then do what's best. 28448 -- Lovers and Other Strangers 28449% 28450Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?" 28451% 28452Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone, 28453Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you, 28454I went out this morning and I wrote down this song, 28455Just can't remember who to send it to... 28456 28457Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain, 28458I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end, 28459I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, 28460But I always thought that I'd see you again. 28461Thought I'd see you one more time again. 28462 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain" 28463% 28464JUSTICE: 28465 A decision in your favor. 28466% 28467Justice is incidental to law and order. 28468 -- J. Edgar Hoover 28469% 28470Justice, n: 28471 A decision in your favor. 28472% 28473Kafka's Law: 28474 In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 28475 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days" 28476% 28477Kamikazes do it once. 28478% 28479KANSAS: 28480 Where the men are men and so are the women! 28481% 28482Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages: 28483 28484For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING 28485package of snack food. 28486 28487Gibson the Cat's Corrolary: 28488 28489For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package 28490of lunch meat. 28491% 28492Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child? 28493Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present 28494 at the conception. 28495 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane" 28496% 28497Katz' Law: 28498 Men and nations will act rationally when 28499 all other possibilities have been exhausted. 28500 28501History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have 28502exhausted all other alternatives. 28503 -- Abba Eban 28504% 28505Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics: 28506 Population density is inversely proportional 28507 to the square of the distance from the keg. 28508% 28509Kaufman's Law: 28510 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence 28511 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned. 28512% 28513Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you. 28514 -- Mae West 28515% 28516Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. 28517% 28518Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she 28519With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor, 28520Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, 28521The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. 28522Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me... 28523 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus" 28524% 28525Keep cool, but don't freeze. 28526 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise 28527% 28528Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. 28529% 28530Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. 28531% 28532Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: 28533 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc 28534 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this 28535 force is technically termed "car suck"). 28536 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive 28537 than "Watch this!" 28538 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly 28539 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a 28540 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or 28541 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy. 28542 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the 28543 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the 28544 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you 28545 in the head and knock you silly. 28546% 28547Keep it short for pithy sake. 28548% 28549Keep on keepin' on. 28550% 28551Keep patting your enemy on the back until a 28552small bullet hole appears between your fingers. 28553 -- Joe Bonanno 28554% 28555Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum. 28556 -- D. Gries 28557% 28558Keep the phase, baby. 28559% 28560Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help. 28561% 28562Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way 28563you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you 28564at the end of six months. 28565 -- Moore 28566% 28567Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. 28568% 28569Keep your Eye on the Ball, 28570Your Shoulder to the Wheel, 28571Your Nose to the Grindstone, 28572Your Feet on the Ground, 28573Your Head on your Shoulders. 28574Now... try to get something DONE! 28575% 28576Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. 28577 -- Benjamin Franklin 28578% 28579Keep your laws off my body! 28580% 28581Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; 28582Open it and you remove all doubt. 28583% 28584Kennedy's Market Theorem: 28585 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit, 28586 you've got to go broke. 28587% 28588Kent's Heuristic: 28589 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it. 28590% 28591kern, v: 28592 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear 28593 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small, 28594 metal object used as part of the monetary system. 28595% 28596KERNEL: 28597 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval 28598 traditions of sorcery and black art. 28599% 28600Kettering's Observation: 28601 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. 28602% 28603Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on. 28604% 28605Kids have *never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel 28606back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree, 28607you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting 28608around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like 28609dad primate. Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch 28610and slam the leaves. 28611 -- Dave Barry 28612% 28613Kill a commy for your mommy. 28614% 28615Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out. 28616% 28617Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali! 28618 -- Hindu saying 28619% 28620Kill Kill, 28621Hate Hate, 28622Murder, Maim, and Mutilate! 28623% 28624Kill your parents. 28625 -- Jerry Rubin 28626% 28627Killing turkeys causes winter. 28628% 28629Kilroe hic erat! 28630% 28631Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness: 28632 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks. 28633% 28634KIN: 28635 An affliction of the blood. 28636% 28637Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read. 28638 -- Mark Twain 28639% 28640Kindness is the beginning of cruelty. 28641 -- Muad'dib 28642% 28643Kington's Law of Perforation: 28644 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such 28645 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest 28646 part of the paper. 28647% 28648Kinkler's First Law: 28649 Responsibility always exceeds authority. 28650 28651Kinkler's Second Law: 28652 All the easy problems have been solved. 28653% 28654Kirk to Enterprise... 28655% 28656Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack. 28657% 28658Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference. 28659% 28660Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday. 28661 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 28662% 28663Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. 28664% 28665Kiss your keyboard goodbye! 28666% 28667Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle. 28668% 28669Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. 28670% 28671Kissing don't last, cookery do. 28672 -- George Meredith 28673% 28674Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and 28675sapphire bracelet lasts for ever. 28676 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" 28677% 28678Kitchen activity is highlighted. 28679Butter up a friend. 28680% 28681Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it. 28682 -- Winston Churchill 28683% 28684Klatu barada nikto. 28685% 28686Kleeneness is next to Godelness. 28687% 28688Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. 28689% 28690KLEPTOMANIAC: 28691 A rich thief. 28692% 28693Kliban's First Law of Dining: 28694 Never eat anything bigger than your head. 28695% 28696Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!! 28697100% Damage to life support!!!! 28698% 28699Kludge, n: 28700 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a 28701 distressing whole. 28702 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation" 28703% 28704Knebel's Law: 28705 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading 28706 causes of statistics. 28707% 28708Knights are hardly worth it. 28709I mean, all that shell and so little meat... 28710% 28711Knock, knock! 28712 Who's there? 28713Sam and Janet. 28714 Sam and Janet who? 28715Sam and Janet Evening... 28716% 28717Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea! 28718[chorus] 28719 Yeay! 28720 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side, 28721 Stay on the Happy side of life! 28722 Bum bum bum bum bum bum 28723 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane, 28724 So Stay on the Happy Side of life! 28725 28726Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?) 28727 An another eather bunny... [chorus] 28728Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?) 28729 Still another ether bunny... [chorus] 28730Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?) 28731 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus] 28732Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?) 28733 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus] 28734Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?) 28735 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus] 28736% 28737Knocked, you weren't in. 28738 -- Opportunity 28739% 28740Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers? 28741 28742-- No? 28743 28744GOOD! 28745% 28746Know Thy User. 28747% 28748Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. 28749% 28750Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. 28751 -- Henry N. Camp 28752% 28753KNOWLEDGE: 28754 Things you believe. 28755% 28756Knowledge is power. 28757 -- Francis Bacon 28758% 28759Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost. 28760 -- Aleister Crowley 28761% 28762Knowledge without common sense is folly. 28763% 28764Knucklehead: "Knock, knock" 28765Pee Wee: "Who's there?" 28766Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady." 28767Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?" 28768Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel" 28769% 28770Kramer's Law: 28771 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. 28772% 28773Kramer's Law: 28774You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 28775% 28776KROGT: 28777 (chemical symbol: Kr) The metallic silver coating found 28778 on fast-food game cards. 28779 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 28780% 28781LA: 28782 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed 28783 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation. 28784 From mud slides to brush fires. 28785% 28786Labor, n: 28787 One of the processes whereby A acquires property for B. 28788 -- Ambrose Bierce 28789% 28790Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest. 28791% 28792Lack of money is the root of all evil. 28793 -- George Bernard Shaw 28794% 28795Lackland's Laws: 28796 1. Never be first. 28797 2. Never be last. 28798 3. Never volunteer for anything. 28799% 28800LACTOMANGULATION: 28801 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that 28802 one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. 28803 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 28804% 28805La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah. 28806% 28807Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps, 28808Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants, 28809I come before you to stand behind you 28810To tell you of something I know nothing about. 28811Next Thursday (which is good Friday), 28812There will be a convention held in the 28813Women's Club which is strictly for Men. 28814Admission is free, pay at the door, 28815Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor. 28816It was a summer's day in winter, 28817And the snow was raining fast, 28818As a barefoot boy with shoes on, 28819Stood sitting in the grass. 28820Oh, that bright day in the dead of night, 28821Two dead men got up to fight. 28822Three blind men to see fair play, 28823Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"! 28824Back to back, they faced each other, 28825Drew their swords and shot each other. 28826A deaf policeman heard the noise, 28827Came and arrested those two dead boys. 28828% 28829Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big 28830boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's 28831the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or 28832under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan 28833to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with 28834her. 28835 -- Billie Jean King 28836% 28837Lady, lady, should you meet 28838One whose ways are all discreet, 28839One who murmurs that his wife 28840Is the lodestar of his life, 28841One who keeps assuring you 28842That he never was untrue, 28843Never loved another one... 28844Lady, lady, better run! 28845 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note" 28846% 28847Lady Luck brings added income today. 28848Lady friend takes it away tonight. 28849% 28850Lady Nancy Astor: 28851 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." 28852Winston Churchill: 28853 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it." 28854 28855Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what 28856disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come 28857sober, Mr. Prime Minister?" 28858 28859 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet 28860luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second 28861helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" 28862 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for 28863white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. 28864 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from 28865her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if 28866you would pin this on your white meat." 28867% 28868Ladybug, ladybug, 28869Look to your stern! 28870Your house is on fire, 28871Your children will burn! 28872So jump ye and sing, for 28873The very first time 28874The four lines above 28875Have been put into rhyme. 28876 -- Walt Kelly 28877% 28878Laetrile is the pits. 28879% 28880Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if 28881each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves. 28882% 28883Lake Erie died for your sins. 28884% 28885((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz)) 28886% 28887Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his 28888duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee 28889table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new 28890manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some 28891of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the 28892candy, and said: 28893 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?" 28894% 28895Language is a virus from another planet. 28896 -- William Burroughs 28897% 28898Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record. 28899Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date? 28900Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by 28901 20,000 women. 28902 -- Lank and Earl 28903% 28904Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the 28905[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure, 28906honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that 28907he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee. 28908 -- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross 28909% 28910Large increases in cost with questionable increases in 28911performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women. 28912 -- Lord Kalvin 28913% 28914Largest Number of Driving Test Failures 28915 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine 28916times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and 28917twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while 28918driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield, 28919Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August 289201970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was 28921reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns. 28922 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 28923% 28924Larkinson's Law: 28925 All laws are basically false. 28926% 28927LASER: 28928 Failed death ray. 28929% 28930Last guys don't finish nice. 28931 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs 28932% 28933Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up 28934the pillow was gone. 28935 -- Tommy Cooper 28936% 28937Last night I met upon the stair 28938A little man who wasn't there. 28939He wasn't there again today. 28940Gee how I wish he'd go away! 28941% 28942Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash.... 28943The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. 28944 -- Stephen Wright 28945% 28946Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. 28947I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor. 28948% 28949Last week's pet, this week's special. 28950% 28951Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... 28952every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. 28953I don't remember what it was. 28954 -- Stephen Wright 28955% 28956Latin is a language, 28957As dead as can be. 28958First it killed the Romans, 28959And now it's killing me. 28960% 28961Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either. 28962% 28963Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. 28964% 28965Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot. 28966% 28967Laugh at your problems: everybody else does. 28968% 28969Laugh when you can; cry when you must. 28970% 28971Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird. 28972% 28973Laughter is the closest distance between two people. 28974 -- Victor Borge 28975% 28976Laura's Law: 28977 No child throws up in the bathroom. 28978% 28979Lavish spending can be disastrous. 28980Don't buy any lavishes for a while. 28981% 28982Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum 28983force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise. 28984 -- Richard M. Nixon 28985% 28986Law of Communications: 28987 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications 28988 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased 28989 area of misunderstanding. 28990% 28991Law of Continuity: 28992 Experiments should be reproducible. 28993 They should all fail the same way. 28994% 28995Law of Probable Dispersal: 28996 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 28997% 28998Law of Procrastination: 28999 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has 29000 the feeling that there is nothing important to do. 29001% 29002Law of Selective Gravity: 29003 An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 29004 29005Jenning's Corollary: 29006 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side 29007 down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 29008 29009Law of the Perversity of Nature: 29010 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. 29011% 29012Law of the Jungle: 29013 He who hesitates is lunch. 29014% 29015Law of the Yukon: 29016 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery. 29017% 29018Law stands mute in the midst of arms. 29019 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 29020% 29021Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws! 29022% 29023Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk. 29024% 29025Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made. 29026 -- Otto von Bismarck 29027% 29028Laws of Computer Programming: 29029 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 29030 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer. 29031 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 29032 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 29033 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 29034 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output. 29035 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of 29036 the programmer who must maintain it. 29037% 29038LAWSUIT: 29039 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. 29040 -- Ambrose Bierce 29041% 29042Lawyer's Rule: 29043 When the law is against you, argue the facts. 29044 When the facts are against you, argue the law. 29045 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names. 29046% 29047Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar. 29048 -- S.J. Perelman 29049% 29050Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!". 29051 -- Shakespeare 29052% 29053Lays eggs inside a paper bag; 29054The reason, you will see, no doubt, 29055Is to keep the lightning out. 29056But what these unobservant birds 29057Have failed to notice is that herds 29058Of bears may come with buns 29059And steal the bags to hold the crumbs. 29060% 29061Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: 29062 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- 29063 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 29064% 29065LAZY: 29066 Marrying a pregnant woman. 29067% 29068Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what 29069is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and 29070smaller -- and there are many more of them. 29071 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends" 29072% 29073Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own. 29074% 29075Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you. 29076% 29077Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. 29078% 29079Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose. 29080% 29081LEARNING CURVE: 29082 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants 29083 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the 29084 quicker you can do it. 29085% 29086Learning without thought is labor lost; 29087thought without learning is perilous. 29088 -- Confucius 29089% 29090Leave no stone unturned. 29091 -- Euripides 29092% 29093Lee's Law: 29094 Mother said there would be days like this, 29095 but she never said that there'd be so many! 29096% 29097Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 29098% 29099Leibowitz's Rule: 29100 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your 29101 finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. 29102% 29103Lemma: All horses are the same color. 29104Proof (by induction): 29105 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all 29106 horses in that set are the same color. 29107 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these 29108 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all 29109 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you 29110 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k 29111 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses 29112 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all 29113 horses are the same color. 29114Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs. 29115Proof (by intimidation): 29116 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It 29117 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in 29118 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a 29119 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is 29120 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs. 29121 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an 29122 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different 29123 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist. 29124% 29125Lemmings don't grow older, they just die. 29126% 29127Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. 29128% 29129Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast. 29130% 29131LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22) 29132 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today. 29133 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on 29134 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol. 29135% 29136LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 29137 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. 29138 Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest 29139 criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. 29140% 29141LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 29142 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your 29143 ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got 29144 a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can 29145 laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor. 29146% 29147Lesbian QOTD: 29148I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation. 29149% 29150Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. 29151 -- Publilius Syrus 29152% 29153Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. 29154% 29155Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish. 29156 -- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus" 29157% 29158Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a 29159number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and 29160another number. 29161 -- James Estes 29162% 29163Let me not to the marriage of true minds 29164Admit impediments. Love is not love 29165Which alters when it alteration finds, 29166Or bends with the remover to remove: 29167O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark, 29168That looks on tempests and is never shaken; 29169It is the star to every wandering bark, 29170Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. 29171Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 29172Within his bending sickle's compass come; 29173Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 29174But bears it out even to the edge of doom. 29175If this be error and upon me proved, 29176I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 29177% 29178Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. 29179% 29180Let me take you a button-hole lower. 29181 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 29182% 29183Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have 29184George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing 29185wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval 29186of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing 29187praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) 29188Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George 29189in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute 29190for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped 29191around his neck. 29192 -- Dave Barry 29193% 29194Let no guilty man escape. 29195 -- U.S. Grant 29196% 29197Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. 29198% 29199Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these. 29200 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18) 29201% 29202Let sleeping dogs lie. 29203 -- Charles Dickens 29204% 29205Let the machine do the dirty work. 29206 -- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie 29207% 29208Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them. 29209 -- James Thurber 29210% 29211Let the people think they govern and they will be governed. 29212 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania 29213% 29214Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way 29215they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief. 29216 -- Capone 29217% 29218Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely. 29219 -- Benjamin Franklin 29220% 29221Let us go then you and I 29222while the night is laid out against the sky 29223like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie. 29224 29225"Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?" 29226 -- Ezra 29227% 29228Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, 29229The muttering retreats 29230Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels 29231And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells: 29232Streets that follow like a tedious argument 29233Of insidious intent 29234To lead you to an overwhelming question... 29235Oh, do not ask, "What is it?" 29236 -- T.S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock" 29237% 29238Let us live!!! 29239Let us love!!! 29240Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! 29241 29242You first. 29243% 29244Let us never negotiate out of fear, 29245but let us never fear to negotiate. 29246 -- John F. Kennedy 29247% 29248Let us not look back in anger or forward 29249in fear, but around us in awareness. 29250 -- James Thurber 29251% 29252Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order. 29253% 29254Let us treat men and women well; 29255Treat them as if they were real; 29256Perhaps they are. 29257 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 29258% 29259Let your conscience be your guide. 29260 -- Pope 29261% 29262L'etat c'est moi. 29263[The state, that's me.] 29264 -- Louis XIV 29265% 29266Let's do it. 29267 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad 29268% 29269Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again. 29270% 29271Let's just be friends and make no special 29272effort to ever see each other again. 29273% 29274Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every 29275relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you 29276really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end. 29277For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities 29278I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy ... 29279Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back. 29280 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn 29281% 29282Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every 29283relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you 29284really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end. 29285For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities 29286I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy... 29287Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back." 29288 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn 29289% 29290Let's love each other slowly, 29291reaching for a plane, 29292of exquisite pleasure, 29293and delicate pain. 29294 -- Adam Beslove 29295% 29296Let's not complicate our relationship 29297by trying to communicate with each other. 29298% 29299Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it. 29300% 29301Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche. 29302 -- Austen Briggs 29303% 29304Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your 29305hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental 29306Anguish. You would sue: 29307 29308* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions 29309 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand 29310 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls 29311 in there". 29312 29313* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious 29314 cretin like yourself. 29315 29316* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this 29317 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you 29318 a large cash settlement anyway. 29319 -- Dave Barry 29320% 29321LEVERAGE: 29322 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks 29323 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out. 29324% 29325Leveraging always beats prototyping. 29326% 29327Lewis's Law of Travel: 29328 The first piece of luggage out of the 29329 chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. 29330% 29331L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare. 29332 -- L. Pasteur 29333% 29334LIAR: 29335 A lawyer with a roving commission. 29336% 29337Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth. 29338 -- Oliver Herford 29339% 29340LIBERAL: 29341 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist. 29342% 29343Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into 29344trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you. 29345 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo 29346% 29347Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. 29348 -- The Best of Will Rogers 29349% 29350LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) 29351 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire 29352 for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone 29353 is watching you, so stop staring like that. 29354% 29355LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23) 29356 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way 29357 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but 29358 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out 29359 of bed today. 29360% 29361LIE: 29362 A very poor substitute for the truth, 29363 but the only one discovered to date. 29364% 29365Lieberman's Law: 29366 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 29367% 29368Lieberman's Law: 29369Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, cuz nobody listens. 29370% 29371Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys! 29372 -- Ma Barker 29373% 29374LIFE: 29375 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. 29376% 29377LIFE: 29378 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one. 29379% 29380LIFE: 29381 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity. 29382% 29383Life -- Love It or Leave It. 29384% 29385Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward. 29386 -- Miss November, 1966 29387% 29388Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. 29389 -- Paul Gauguin 29390% 29391Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow. 29392% 29393Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth. 29394It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies. 29395% 29396Life exists for no known purpose. 29397% 29398Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society 29399being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible 29400thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money 29401system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex. 29402 -- Valerie Solanas 29403% 29404Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding 29405environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a 29406round container filled with little red fruits on sticks. 29407% 29408Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way 29409out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. 29410 -- Woody Allen 29411% 29412Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it. 29413 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" 29414% 29415Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more 29416important than something else. If what already is, is more important 29417than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what 29418isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll. 29419 -- Werner Erhard 29420% 29421Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed. 29422% 29423Life is a glorious cycle of song, 29424A medley of extemporania; 29425And love is thing that can never go wrong; 29426And I am Marie of Roumania. 29427 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment" 29428% 29429Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing. 29430 -- Helen Keller 29431% 29432Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed. 29433% 29434Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to 29435change his bed. 29436 -- Charles Baudelaire 29437% 29438Life is a series of rude awakenings. 29439 -- R.V. Winkle 29440% 29441Life is a serious burden, which no thinking, 29442humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else. 29443 -- Clarence Darrow 29444% 29445Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality. 29446% 29447Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. 29448% 29449Life is an exciting business, and most 29450exciting when it is lived for others. 29451% 29452Life is both difficult and time consuming. 29453% 29454Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you. 29455% 29456Life is difficult because it is non-linear. 29457% 29458Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. 29459 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" 29460% 29461Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut. 29462% 29463Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits? 29464% 29465Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line. 29466% 29467Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. 29468 -- C. Schultz 29469% 29470"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it." 29471% 29472Life is like a diaper - short and loaded. 29473% 29474Life is like a sewer. 29475What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. 29476 -- Tom Lehrer 29477% 29478Life is like a tin of sardines. 29479We're, all of us, looking for the key. 29480 -- Beyond the Fringe 29481% 29482Life is like an egg stain on your chin -- 29483you can lick it, but it still won't go away. 29484% 29485Life is like an onion: you peel it off 29486one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. 29487 -- Carl Sandburg 29488% 29489Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after 29490layer and then you find there is nothing in it. 29491 -- James Huneker 29492% 29493Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was 29494going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then 29495being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends. 29496% 29497Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're 29498the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same. 29499% 29500Life is not for everyone. 29501% 29502Life is one long struggle in the dark. 29503 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 29504% 29505Life is the childhood of our immortality. 29506 -- Goethe 29507% 29508Life is the living you do, 29509Death is the living you don't do. 29510 -- Joseph Pintauro 29511% 29512Life is the urge to ecstasy. 29513% 29514Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. 29515% 29516Life is too short to be taken seriously. 29517 -- O. Wilde 29518% 29519Life is too short to stuff a mushroom. 29520 -- Storm Jameson 29521% 29522Life is wasted on the living. 29523 -- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe. 29524% 29525Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. 29526 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy" 29527% 29528Life, like beer, is merely borrowed. 29529 -- Don Reed 29530% 29531Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, 29532it may have a meaning of which you disapprove. 29533% 29534Life only demands from you the strength you possess. 29535Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away. 29536 -- Dag Hammarskjold 29537% 29538Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but 29539certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and 29540I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can 29541afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have 29542absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more 29543embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible). 29544% 29545Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all. 29546 -- Thomas J. Kopp 29547% 29548Life without caffeine is stimulating enough. 29549 -- Sanka Ad 29550% 29551Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. 29552 -- Dave Olson 29553% 29554Life would be tolerable but for its amusements. 29555 -- G.B. Shaw 29556% 29557Life's too short to dance with ugly women. 29558% 29559Lift every voice and sing 29560Till earth and heaven ring, 29561Ring with the harmonies of Liberty; 29562Let our rejoicing rise 29563High as the listening skies, 29564Let it resound loud as the rolling sea. 29565 29566Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us. 29567Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us. 29568Facing the rising sun of our new day begun, 29569Let us march on till victory is won. 29570 -- James Weldon Johnson 29571% 29572Lighten up, while you still can, 29573Don't even try to understand, 29574Just find a place to make your stand, 29575And take it easy. 29576 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy" 29577% 29578LIGHTHOUSE: 29579 A tall building on the seashore in which the government 29580 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. 29581% 29582LIKE: 29583 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence. 29584% 29585Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate 29586the difference between one young woman and another. 29587 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara" 29588% 29589Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, 29590shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm 29591as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like 29592bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; 29593she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a 29594man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the 29595right road: a man like Alf Romeo. 29596 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner 29597 29598The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never 29599see her little dog Pritzi again. 29600 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up 29601 29602It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a 29603tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it 29604was determined that Byron was simply a jerk. 29605 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up 29606 29607Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is 29608named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy 29609night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the 29610worst possible novel. 29611% 29612Like corn in a field I cut you down, 29613I threw the last punch way too hard, 29614After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time, 29615To throw in my hand for a new set of cards. 29616And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend, 29617I figured we'd painted too much of this town, 29618And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon, 29619And I knew then I had lost what should have been found, 29620I knew then I had lost what should have been found. 29621 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford 29622 I'm as low as a paid assassin is 29623 You know I'm cold as a hired sword. 29624 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up, 29625 You know I can't think straight no more 29626 You make me feel like a bullet, honey, 29627 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford. 29628 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet" 29629% 29630Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille 29631weren't so damned great! 29632 -- Armistead Maupin 29633% 29634Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, 29635if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not 29636now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe 29637like the Rolling Stones? 29638 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote 29639 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.) 29640% 29641Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. 29642It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches 29643over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow 29644His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the 29645other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their 29646religions. 29647 -- Benjamin Spock 29648% 29649Like punning, programming is a play on words. 29650% 29651Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct 29652a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. 29653 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 29654% 29655Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking 29656for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. 29657 -- Alan McKay 29658% 29659Like the time I ran away... 29660And turned around and you were standing close to me. 29661 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken" 29662% 29663Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. 29664% 29665Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the 29666creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their 29667essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving 29668the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting 29669rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun. 29670 -- Senior Year Quote 29671% 29672Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's 29673place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few: 29674 29675 Q -- Is there life after death? 29676 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New 29677Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", 29678then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was 29679fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have 29680spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful 29681headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back 29682to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I 29683guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long 29684as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods. 29685 -- Dave Barry 29686% 29687Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, 29688wins few friends, Germans excepted. 29689 -- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day" 29690% 29691Limericks are art forms complex, 29692Their topics run chiefly to sex. 29693 They usually have virgins, 29694 And masculine urgin's, 29695And other erotic effects. 29696% 29697"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!" 29698Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged. 29699 29700Until he died, and so reached that vicinity: 29701in it he found that the damned things diverged. 29702 -- Piet Hein 29703% 29704Linus: Hi! I thought it was you. 29705 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great! 29706Snoopy: That's nice to know. 29707 The secret of life is to look good at a distance. 29708% 29709Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. 29710 Maybe we should think only about today. 29711Charlie Brown: 29712 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday 29713 will get better. 29714% 29715Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe 29716 we should think only about today. 29717Charlie Brown: 29718 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get 29719 better. 29720% 29721Linus' Law: 29722 There is no heavier burden than a great potential. 29723% 29724Lions in the street and roaming, 29725Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming, 29726A beast caged in the heart of the city. 29727The body of his mother lying in the summer ground, 29728He fled the town. 29729Went down south across the border, 29730Left the chaos and disorder 29731Back there, over his shoulder. 29732One morning he awoke in a green hotel, 29733A strange creature groaning beside him. 29734Sweat oozed from its shiny skin. 29735Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin. 29736 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard" 29737% 29738LISP: 29739 To call a spade a thpade. 29740% 29741Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, 29742Lisp Machine is Fun. 29743Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, 29744Fun for everyone. 29745% 29746Lisp Users: 29747Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection. 29748% 29749Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out 29750the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing, 29751but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the 29752right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem. 29753But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of 29754bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President. 29755This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects 29756their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing 29757that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously 29758just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even 29759a panacea so alleged. 29760 -- D.D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government 29761 been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to 29762 the recession?" 29763% 29764Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. 29765Life is the other way around. 29766 -- David Lodge 29767% 29768Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life 29769is the other way round. 29770 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down" 29771% 29772Littering is dumb. 29773 -- Ronald Macdonald 29774% 29775Little Fly, 29776Thy summer's play If thought is life 29777My thoughtless hand And strength & breath, 29778Has brush'd away. And the want 29779 Of thought is death, 29780Am not I 29781A fly like thee? Then am I 29782Or art not thou A happy fly 29783A man like me? If I live 29784 Or if I die. 29785 29786For I dance 29787And drink & sing, 29788Till some blind hand 29789Shall brush my wing. 29790 -- William Blake, "The Fly" 29791% 29792Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. 29793 -- Lazarus Long 29794% 29795Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very 29796sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkein Ring... 29797% 29798Little Known Facts, #23: 29799 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get 29800 the BMW repair garage? 29801% 29802Little Mary on the ice, 29803Went out to have a frisk, 29804Now wasn't little Mary nice, 29805Her pretty *? 29806% 29807Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway! 29808 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature") 29809% 29810Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. 29811 -- James Dean 29812% 29813Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night! 29814% 29815Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors. 29816% 29817Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is 29818published around the world -- even if what is published is not true. 29819 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 29820% 29821Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. 29822 -- Josh Billings 29823% 29824Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when 29825you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee. 29826 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial 29827% 29828Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola. 29829What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits. 29830% 29831Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. 29832What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes. 29833% 29834Living in New York City gives people real incentives 29835to want things that nobody else wants. 29836 -- Andy Warhol 29837% 29838Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat 29839like having bees live in your head. But, there they are. 29840% 29841Living on Earth may be expensive, but it 29842includes an annual free trip around the Sun. 29843% 29844LIVING YOUR LIFE: 29845 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. 29846% 29847Lizzie Borden took an axe, 29848And plunged it deep into the VAX; 29849Don't you envy people who 29850Do all the things YOU want to do? 29851% 29852Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools. 29853 -- Henry David Thoreau 29854% 29855Lobster: 29856 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are 29857squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only 29858proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your 29859guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked. 29860The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea 29861floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the lobster 29862behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, 29863"Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a 29864scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural 29865apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may 29866even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into 29867the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will 29868be, too. 29869 -- Dave Barry 29870% 29871Lobster: 29872 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish 29873 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper 29874 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your 29875 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're 29876 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on 29877 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the 29878 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty 29879 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then 29880 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will 29881 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will 29882 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. 29883 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly 29884 you and your friends will be, too. 29885 -- Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances and Utensils 29886 into Excuses and Apologies 29887% 29888Lockwood's Long Shot: 29889 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street 29890 aren't one in a million, but once would be enough. 29891% 29892Logic doesn't apply to the real world. 29893 -- Marvin Minsky 29894% 29895Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL. 29896% 29897Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad. 29898% 29899Logic is a systematic method of coming 29900to the wrong conclusion with confidence. 29901% 29902Logic is the chastity belt of the mind! 29903% 29904Logicians have but ill defined 29905As rational the human kind. 29906Logic, they say, belongs to man, 29907But let them prove it if they can. 29908 -- Oliver Goldsmith 29909% 29910LOGO for the Dead 29911 29912LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from 29913"The Other Side." 29914 29915The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you 29916turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's 29917graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this 29918side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that 29919your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then 29920interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program 29921lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic 29922Bulletin Board System). 29923 29924LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate 29925from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101. 29926 -- '80 Microcomputing 29927% 29928Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence. 29929% 29930Lonely is a man without love. 29931 -- Englebert Humperdinck 29932% 29933Lonely men seek companionship. 29934Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet. 29935% 29936Lonesome? 29937 29938Like a change? 29939Like a new job? 29940Like excitement? 29941Like to meet new and interesting people? 29942 29943JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!! 29944% 29945Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency 29946be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum. 29947The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young. 29948 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 29949% 29950Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught. 29951% 29952Long life is in store for you. 29953% 29954Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and 29955long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his 29956pain and his aloneness without regret? 29957 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet" 29958% 29959Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past. 29960% 29961Look afar and see the end from the beginning. 29962% 29963Look at it this way: 29964Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought 29965home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham. 29966And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 29967% 29968Look at it this way: 29969Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to 29970forget $26,000 of college education. 29971And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 29972% 29973Look before you leap. 29974 -- Samuel Butler 29975% 29976Look ere ye leap. 29977 -- John Heywood 29978% 29979Look out! Behind you! 29980% 29981Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, 29982con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this 29983country was built. 29984 -- Hubert Allen 29985% 29986Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie... 29987 -- Stephen Sondheim 29988% 29989Loose bits sink chips. 29990% 29991Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. 29992 -- Charles D'Hericault 29993% 29994Lord, what fools these mortals be! 29995 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream" 29996% 29997Losing your drivers' license is just 29998God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!" 29999% 30000Lost: gray and white female cat. 30001Answers to electric can opener. 30002% 30003Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't. 30004% 30005Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. 30006 -- Frank Hubbard 30007% 30008Lots of girls can be had for a song. 30009Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march. 30010% 30011Louie Louie, me gotta go 30012Louie Louie, me gotta go 30013 30014Fine little girl she waits for me 30015Me catch the ship for cross the sea 30016Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea 30017Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly 30018(chorus) On the ship I dream she there 30019 I smell the rose in her hair 30020Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo) 30021It won't be long, me see my love 30022I take her in my arms and then 30023Me tell her I never leave again 30024 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie" 30025% 30026Louie, Louie, me gotta go 30027Louie, Louie, me gotta go 30028 30029Fine little girl she waits for me 30030Me catch the ship for cross the sea 30031Me sail the ship all alone 30032Me never thinks me make it home 30033 [chorus] 30034 30035Three nights and days me sail the sea 30036Me think of girl constantly 30037On the ship I dream she there 30038I smell the rose in her hair 30039 [chorus; guitar solo] 30040 30041Me see Jamaica moon above 30042It won't be long, me see my love 30043I take her in my arms and then 30044Me tell her I never leave again 30045 -- the real words to "Louie Louie" 30046% 30047LOVE: 30048 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours. 30049% 30050LOVE: 30051 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope. 30052% 30053LOVE: 30054 When, if asked to choose between your lover 30055 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat. 30056% 30057LOVE: 30058 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears. 30059% 30060LOVE: 30061 When you don't want someone too close-- 30062 because you're very sensitive to pleasure. 30063% 30064LOVE: 30065 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning. 30066% 30067Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood. 30068% 30069Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled. 30070% 30071Love America - or give it back. 30072% 30073Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. 30074% 30075Love at first sight is one of the greatest 30076labor-saving devices the world has ever seen. 30077% 30078Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. 30079 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 30080% 30081Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay. 30082Love isn't love 'til you give it away. 30083 -- Oscar Hammerstein II 30084% 30085Love is a grave mental disease. 30086 -- Plato 30087% 30088Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell. 30089 -- Matt Groening 30090% 30091Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips 30092over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come. 30093 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell" 30094% 30095Love is a word that is constantly heard, 30096Hate is a word that is not. 30097Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. 30098Love, I have read, is hot. 30099But hate is the verb that to me is superb, 30100And Love but a drug on the mart. 30101Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, 30102But Hating, my boy, is an Art. 30103 -- Ogden Nash 30104% 30105Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and 30106go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your 30107arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself. 30108% 30109Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real 30110with the ideal never goes unpunished. 30111 -- Goethe 30112% 30113Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the 30114real with the ideal never goes unpunished. 30115 -- Goethe 30116% 30117Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. 30118 -- Dr. Karl Bowman 30119% 30120Love is being stupid together. 30121 -- Paul Valery 30122% 30123Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed 30124around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a 30125Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself. 30126% 30127Love is in the offing. 30128 -- The Homicidal Maniac 30129% 30130Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you. 30131% 30132Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very 30133pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love 30134grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning 30135and unquenchable. 30136 -- Bruce Lee 30137% 30138Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. 30139 -- Jerome K. Jerome 30140% 30141Love is never asking why? 30142% 30143Love is not enough, but it sure helps. 30144% 30145Love is sentimental measles. 30146% 30147Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult. 30148% 30149Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex 30150raises some pretty good questions. 30151 -- Woody Allen 30152% 30153Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 30154 -- H.L. Mencken 30155% 30156Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted 30157pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution. 30158 -- Charles Baudelaire 30159% 30160Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. 30161 -- M. Hirschfield 30162% 30163Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. 30164 -- Saint Exupery 30165% 30166Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 30167 -- H.L. Mencken 30168% 30169Love IS what it's cracked up to be. 30170% 30171Love is what you've been through with somebody. 30172 -- James Thurber 30173% 30174Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid. 30175% 30176Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles. 30177 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps" 30178% 30179Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular 30180momentum. 30181% 30182Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags. 30183 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise" 30184% 30185Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. 30186% 30187Love means never having to say you're sorry. 30188 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story" 30189 30190That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. 30191 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?" 30192% 30193Love means nothing to a tennis player. 30194% 30195Love tells us many things that are not so. 30196 -- Krainian Proverb 30197% 30198Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach. 30199% 30200Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. 30201 -- Louise Beal 30202% 30203Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano. 30204% 30205Love to eat them mousies, 30206Mousies I love to eat. 30207Bite they little heads off, 30208Nibble at they tiny feet. 30209 -- Kliban 30210% 30211Love to eat them mousies, 30212Mousies what I love to eat. 30213Bite they little heads off, 30214Nibble on they tiny feet. 30215 -- Kliban 30216% 30217Love to eat them mousies; 30218Mousies what I love to eat. 30219Bite they tiny heads off, 30220Nibble on they tiny feet! 30221 -- Kilban 30222% 30223Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart, 30224 seized this one for the fair form 30225 that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still. 30226Love, which absolves no loved one from loving, 30227 seized me so strongly with delight in him, 30228 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now. 30229Love brought us to one death. 30230 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06 30231% 30232Love your enemies: they'll go crazy 30233trying to figure out what you're up to. 30234% 30235Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge. 30236 -- Benjamin Franklin 30237% 30238Lowery's Law: 30239 If it jams -- force it. If it 30240 breaks, it needed replacing anyway. 30241% 30242LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. 30243% 30244Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: 30245 There's always one more bug. 30246% 30247Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable 30248British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The 30249Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture 30250nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British 30251don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm 30252beer because they have Lucas refrigerators. 30253% 30254Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young. 30255 -- Russell Banks 30256% 30257Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet. 30258 -- P.E. Trudeau 30259% 30260Lucky, adj: 30261 When you have a wife and a cigarette 30262 lighter -- both of which work. 30263% 30264Lucky is he for whom the belle toils. 30265% 30266Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do. 30267 Can't you be serious for once? 30268Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think 30269 of the more important things in life! 30270 (pause) 30271 Tomorrow!! 30272% 30273Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser. 30274 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew" 30275% 30276LUNATIC ASYLUM: 30277 The place where optimism most flourishes. 30278% 30279Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable. 30280 -- Bergan Evans 30281% 30282Lysistrata had a good idea. 30283% 30284Ma Bell is a mean mother! 30285% 30286MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that. 30287% 30288"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years." 30289"What about X?" 30290"I said `intellectual'." 30291 ;login, 9/1990 30292% 30293Machine-independent program: 30294 A program that will not run on any machine. 30295% 30296Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine. 30297 -- Andy Warhol 30298% 30299Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the 30300repairman arrives. 30301% 30302macho, adj.: 30303 Jogging home from your vasectomy. 30304% 30305Macho does not prove mucho. 30306 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor 30307% 30308MAD: 30309 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. 30310% 30311Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- 30312if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. 30313 -- W.C. Fields 30314% 30315Madison's Inquiry: 30316 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? 30317% 30318Madness takes its toll. 30319% 30320Magary's Principle: 30321 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any 30322 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do 30323 the cutting, and the public's services are cut. 30324% 30325Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic. 30326% 30327Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism. 30328 30329Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. 30330 30331The two preceding definitions are condensed from the works of one 30332thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a 30333great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. 30334% 30335MAGNOCARTIC: 30336 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. 30337 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 30338% 30339magnocartic, adj: 30340 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping 30341 carts. 30342 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 30343% 30344MAGPIE: 30345 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested 30346 to someone that it might be taught to talk. 30347 -- A. Bierce 30348% 30349MAIDEN AUNT: 30350 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle." 30351% 30352Maiden, n: 30353 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and 30354 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical 30355 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. 30356 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her 30357 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to 30358 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to 30359 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the 30360 canary -- which, also, is more portable. 30361 30362Male, n: 30363 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the 30364 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus 30365 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. 30366 -- Ambrose Bierce 30367% 30368Maier's Law: 30369 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. 30370 -- N.R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960 30371 30372Corollaries: 30373 1. The bigger the theory, the better. 30374 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 30375 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to 30376 obtain a correspondence with the theory. 30377% 30378Main's Law: 30379 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. 30380% 30381Maintainer's Motto: 30382 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. 30383% 30384Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward! 30385Seagoon: Only in the holiday season. 30386Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward! 30387% 30388Major premise: 30389 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man. 30390Minor premise: 30391 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 30392Conclusion: 30393 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 30394 30395Secondary Conclusion: 30396 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people 30397 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? 30398% 30399Majorities, of course, start with minorities. 30400 -- Robert Moses 30401% 30402MAJORITY: 30403 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. 30404% 30405Make a wish, it might come true. 30406% 30407Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home. 30408% 30409Make it right before you make it faster. 30410% 30411Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood. 30412 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham 30413% 30414Make sure your code does nothing gracefully. 30415% 30416Make war not sex. (It's safer.) 30417% 30418Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users 30419tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has 30420been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the 30421message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. 30422 -- System V.2 administrator's guide 30423% 30424Malek's Law: 30425 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. 30426% 30427MALPRACTICE: 30428 The reason surgeons wear masks. 30429% 30430MAN: 30431 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he 30432 is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief 30433 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, 30434 which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest 30435 the whole habitable earth and Canada. 30436 -- A. Bierce 30437% 30438Man and wife make one fool. 30439% 30440Man belongs wherever he wants to go. 30441 -- Wernher von Braun 30442% 30443Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because 30444he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while 30445all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good 30446time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were 30447far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. 30448 -- D. Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 30449% 30450Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it. 30451 -- Fred Allen 30452% 30453Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments. 30454% 30455Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 30456 -- Lily Tomlin 30457% 30458Man is a military animal, 30459Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade. 30460 -- P.J. Bailey 30461% 30462Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon 30463to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 30464 -- Oscar Wilde 30465% 30466Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he 30467is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 30468 -- Oscar Wilde 30469% 30470Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this-- 30471no dog exchanges bones with another. 30472 -- Adam Smith 30473% 30474Man is by nature a political animal. 30475 -- Aristotle 30476% 30477Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... 30478and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. 30479 -- Wernher von Braun 30480% 30481Man is the measure of all things. 30482 -- Protagoras 30483% 30484Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. 30485 -- Mark Twain 30486% 30487Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms 30488with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 30489 -- Samuel Butler, 1835-1902 30490% 30491Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; 30492for he is the only animal that is struck with the 30493difference between what things are and what they ought to be. 30494 -- William Hazlitt 30495% 30496Man must shape his tools lest they shape him. 30497 -- Arthur R. Miller 30498% 30499Man proposes, God disposes. 30500 -- Thomas a Kempis 30501% 30502Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- 30503unless it is an enemy. 30504 -- A. Einstein 30505% 30506Man who arrives at party two hours late 30507will find he has been beaten to the punch. 30508% 30509Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. 30510% 30511Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. 30512% 30513Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey. 30514% 30515Man will never fly. 30516Space travel is merely a dream. 30517All aspirin is alike. 30518% 30519Management: How many feet do mice have? 30520Reply: Mice have four feet. 30521M: Elaborate! 30522R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet. 30523M: No discussion of fifth appendage! 30524R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail. 30525M: What? Feet with no legs? 30526R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse. 30527M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages? 30528R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. 30529M: Does not fully discuss the issue! 30530R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg 30531 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail 30532 is not equipped with a foot. 30533M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO! 30534R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies, 30535 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would 30536 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets. 30537M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity! 30538R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined 30539 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also 30540 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and 30541 ornamental in nature. 30542M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question! 30543R: Mice have four feet. 30544% 30545MANAGEMENT: 30546 The art of getting other people to do all the work. 30547% 30548MANAGER: 30549 A man known for giving great meeting. 30550% 30551man-hour, n: 30552 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings. 30553% 30554MANIC-DEPRESSIVE: 30555 Easy glum, easy glow. 30556% 30557Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts. 30558 -- Plotinus 30559% 30560Manly's Maxim: 30561 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion 30562 with confidence. 30563% 30564Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. 30565% 30566Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens? 30567% 30568Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual 30569conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in. 30570 -- Sydney J. Harris 30571% 30572manual, n: 30573 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given 30574 item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information 30575 you need in in the others. 30576 -- Ray Simard 30577% 30578Many a bum show has been saved by the flag. 30579 -- George M. Cohan 30580% 30581Many a family tree needs trimming. 30582% 30583Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It 30584is not so. It is so. It is not so. 30585 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack" 30586% 30587Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will 30588get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind. 30589 -- Finley Peter Dunne 30590% 30591Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer 30592can easily support two or more. 30593% 30594Many a writer seems to thing he is never profound 30595except when he can't understand his own meaning. 30596 -- George D. Prentice 30597% 30598Many are called, few are chosen. 30599Fewer still get to do the choosing. 30600% 30601Many are called, few volunteer. 30602% 30603Many are cold, but few are frozen. 30604% 30605Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long. 30606% 30607Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a 30608certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the 30609devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of 30610their data processing systems. 30611 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 30612% 30613Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is 30614weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and 30615weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, 30616but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist, 30617he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert. 30618 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed" 30619% 30620Many hands make light work. 30621 -- John Heywood 30622% 30623Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales. 30624% 30625Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance, 30626the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their 30627fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the 30628Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally 30629read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time 30630by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They 30631are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers 30632successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations 30633should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still, 30634while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether. 30635 -- Francis Galton, 1909 30636% 30637Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing 30638tricks on me and treating me badly. 30639 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur 30640% 30641Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their 30642life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses. 30643 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981 30644% 30645Many pages make a thick book. 30646% 30647Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very 30648very thin paper. 30649% 30650Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice 30651which will recommend that they do what they want to do. 30652% 30653Many people are secretly interested in life. 30654% 30655Many people are unenthusiastic about their work. 30656% 30657Many people are unenthusiastic about your work. 30658% 30659Many people feel that if you won't let 30660them make you happy, they'll make you suffer. 30661% 30662Many people feel that they deserve some kind of 30663recognition for all the bad things they haven't done. 30664% 30665Many people resent being treated like the person they really are. 30666% 30667Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say. 30668% 30669Many receive advice, few profit by it. 30670 -- Publilius Syrus 30671% 30672Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, 30673there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he 30674was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how 30675completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday.... 30676 -- Walt Kelly 30677% 30678Margaret, are you grieving 30679Over Goldengrove unleaving? 30680Leaves, like the things of man, 30681You, with your fresh thoughts 30682Care for, can you? 30683Ah! as the heart grows older 30684It will come to such sights colder 30685By and by, nor spare a sigh 30686Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie 30687And yet you will weep and know why. 30688Now no matter, child, the name 30689Sorrow's springs are the same: 30690It is the blight man was born for, 30691It is Margaret you mourn for. 30692 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins. 30693% 30694Marigold: Jealousy 30695Mint: Virute 30696Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness 30697Orchid: Beauty, magnificence 30698Pansy: Thoughts 30699Peach blossom: I am your captive 30700Petunia: Your presence soothes me 30701Poppy: Sleep 30702Rose, any color: Love 30703Rose, deep red: Bashful shame 30704Rose, single, pink: Simplicity 30705Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment 30706Rose, white: I am worthy of you 30707Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy 30708Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love 30709Rosemary: Rememberance 30710Sunflower: Haughtiness 30711Tulip, red: Declaration of love 30712Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love 30713Violet, blue: Faithfulness 30714Violet, white: Modesty 30715Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends 30716 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. 30717% 30718Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!". 30719% 30720Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students 30721who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize 30722it in order to protect themselves. 30723 -- Lenny Bruce 30724% 30725Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: 30726 Dentists are incapable of asking questions 30727 that require a simple yes or no answer. 30728% 30729MARRIAGE: 30730 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply 30731 in love and desiring to make a committment to each other expressing 30732 that love. In short, committment to an institution. 30733% 30734MARRIAGE: 30735 Convertible bonds. 30736% 30737Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of 30738insincerity possible between two human beings. 30739 -- Vicki Baum 30740% 30741Marriage causes dating problems. 30742% 30743Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle. 30744 -- Edmond About 30745% 30746Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention. 30747% 30748Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm 30749not ready for an institution yet. 30750 -- Mae West 30751% 30752Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be 30753surprised at the large number that re-enlist. 30754 -- James Garner 30755% 30756Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter. 30757% 30758Marriage is a three ring circus: 30759engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. 30760 -- Roger Price 30761% 30762Marriage is an institution in which two undertake 30763to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing. 30764% 30765Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer 30766exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work 30767in the brewery. 30768 -- George Jean Nathan 30769% 30770Marriage is learning about women the hard way. 30771% 30772Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with 30773chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it. 30774% 30775Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. 30776 -- Baskins 30777% 30778Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the 30779burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place. 30780 -- Calvin Trillin 30781% 30782Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. 30783 -- Voltaire 30784% 30785Marriage is the process of finding out what 30786kind of man your wife would have preferred. 30787% 30788Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions. 30789% 30790Marriage, n: 30791 The evil aye. 30792% 30793Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth. 30794 -- John Lyly 30795% 30796Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months. 30797% 30798MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives 30799connected by a thin strand. 30800 30801Come on, Marta, grow up. 30802 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 30803% 30804MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most 30805of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its 30806territory from invasion by another group." 30807 30808"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny. 30809 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 30810% 30811Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it? 30812Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software. 30813 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues" 30814% 30815'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability. 30816 -- George Bernard Shaw 30817% 30818Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me! 30819What a finely tuned response to the situation! 30820% 30821Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass, 30822and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged 30823Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend 30824grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?" 30825 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've 30826named a drink Fred?" 30827% 30828Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth: 30829 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants. 30830% 30831Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow, 30832And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go. 30833It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail. 30834It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail. 30835She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels, 30836And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals. 30837It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended. 30838The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended. 30839The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat, 30840Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat. 30841Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her. 30842So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer. 30843 -- Alma Garcia 30844% 30845Maryann's Law: 30846 You can always find what you're not looking for. 30847% 30848Maslow's Maxim: 30849 If the only tool you have is a hammer, 30850 you treat everything like a nail. 30851% 30852Mason's First Law of Synergism: 30853The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. 30854% 30855Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy. 30856% 30857Masturbation is the thinking man's television. 30858 -- Christopher Hampton 30859% 30860Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it! 30861 -- Monty Python 30862% 30863Mater artium necessitas. 30864 [Necessity is the mother of invention]. 30865% 30866Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. 30867 -- Malcolm Smith 30868% 30869MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! 30870 Please, don't drink and derive. 30871 30872 Mathematicians 30873 Against 30874 Drunk 30875 Deriving 30876% 30877Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. 30878 -- R. Drabek 30879% 30880mathematician, n: 30881 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's. 30882% 30883Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they 30884translate into their own language and forthwith it is something 30885entirely different. 30886 -- Goethe 30887% 30888Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate 30889into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different. 30890 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 30891% 30892Mathematicians practice absolute freedom. 30893 -- Henry Adams 30894% 30895Mathematicians take it to the limit. 30896% 30897Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts 30898to each other without consideration of their relation to experience. 30899 -- Albert Einstein 30900% 30901Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what 30902one is talking about nor whether what is said is true. 30903 -- Russell 30904% 30905Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty -- 30906a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any 30907part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music, 30908yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the 30909greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense 30910of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is 30911to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry. 30912 -- Bertrand Russell 30913% 30914Matrimony is the root of all evil. 30915% 30916Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. 30917% 30918Matter cannot be created or destroyed, 30919nor can it be returned without a receipt. 30920% 30921Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. 30922% 30923[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment 30924where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand 30925more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. 30926 -- S. Kierkegaard 30927% 30928Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. 30929 -- Jules Feiffer 30930% 30931Matz's Law: 30932 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 30933% 30934May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard 30935versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz. 30936% 30937May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts 30938% 30939May all your PUSHes be POPped. 30940% 30941May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits. 30942% 30943May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. 30944% 30945May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. 30946% 30947May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may 30948God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may 30949he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping. 30950% 30951May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse. 30952% 30953May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters. 30954% 30955May you have many handsome and obedient sons. 30956% 30957May you have warm words on a cold evening, 30958a full mooon on a dark night, 30959and a smooth road all the way to your door. 30960% 30961May you live in uninteresting times. 30962 -- Chinese proverb 30963% 30964May your camel be as swift as the wind. 30965% 30966May your SO always know when you need a hug. 30967% 30968May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your 30969Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels. 30970% 30971Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that 30972lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well. 30973 -- Will Rogers 30974% 30975Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. 30976 -- R.S. Barton 30977% 30978Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the 30979earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three. 30980 -- Lazarus Long 30981% 30982"Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes." 30983% 30984"Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each 30985other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone 30986had to seek professional help." 30987% 30988Maybe you can't buy happiness, but 30989these days you can certainly charge it. 30990% 30991May's Law: 30992 The quality of correlation is inversly proportional to the density 30993 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.) 30994% 30995McDonald's -- Because you're worth it. 30996% 30997McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance: 30998 When traveling with a herd of elephants, 30999 don't be the first to lie down and rest. 31000% 31001Meader's Law: 31002 Whatever happens to you, it will previously 31003 have happened to everyone you know, only more so. 31004% 31005Meade's Maxim: 31006Always remember that you are absolutely unique, 31007just like everyone else. 31008% 31009Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen; 31010Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht. 31011[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl, 31012AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd. 31013[P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye 31014Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe; 31015Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse. 31016Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle. 31017Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes; 31018Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?" 31019Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp 31020Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe. 31021"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete." 31022Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson 31023Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen. 31024Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar, 31025Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu." 31026Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng. 31027% 31028Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one 31029has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine 31030moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging 31031magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to 31032have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may 31033get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem 31034of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful 31035oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to 31036hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise 31037venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc 31038bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen 31039aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the 31040arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable 31041of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof 31042to mouth... 31043% 31044Measure twice, cut once. 31045% 31046Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 31047% 31048Mediocrity finds safety in standardization. 31049 -- Frederick Crane 31050% 31051Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge. 31052% 31053Meester, do you vant to buy a duck? 31054% 31055Meeting: 31056 An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what 31057 person or department not represented in the room must solve the 31058 problem. 31059% 31060meeting, n: 31061 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or 31062 department not represented in the room must solve a problem. 31063% 31064MEETINGS: 31065 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost. 31066% 31067Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that 31068corporations and other large organizations habitually engage 31069in only becuase they cannot actually masturbate. 31070 -- Dave Barry 31071% 31072MEMO: 31073 An interoffice communication too often written more for 31074 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person 31075 who receives it. 31076% 31077MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I 31078remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and 31079drive and drive. 31080 31081I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The 31082smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we 31083played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat 31084some stuff or not and then I think we went home. 31085 31086I guess some things never leave you. 31087 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 31088% 31089Memory fault -- brain fried 31090% 31091Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget! 31092% 31093Memory fault - where am I? 31094% 31095Memory should be the starting point of the present. 31096% 31097Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them. 31098 -- Marilyn Monroe 31099% 31100Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice 31101hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should 31102never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they 31103will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average 31104man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, 31105through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 31106ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT 31107tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe 31108ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him 31109a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. 31110 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More 31111than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set 31112of tires. 31113 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 31114% 31115Men are superior to women. 31116 -- The Koran 31117% 31118Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. 31119 -- Jayne Mansfield 31120% 31121Men aren't attracted to me by my mind. 31122They're attracted by what I don't mind... 31123 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 31124% 31125Men freely believe that what they wish to desire. 31126 -- Julius Caesar 31127% 31128Men have a much better time of it than women; for one 31129thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier. 31130 -- H.L. Mencken 31131% 31132Men have as exaggerated an idea of their 31133rights as women have of their wrongs. 31134 -- E.W. Howe 31135% 31136Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food. 31137% 31138Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. 31139% 31140Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses. 31141 -- Dorothy Parker 31142% 31143Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them 31144pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. 31145 -- Winston Churchill 31146% 31147Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active. 31148 -- Leonardo da Vinci 31149% 31150Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality. 31151% 31152Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or 31153at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments. 31154% 31155Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our 31156pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs 31157and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, 31158inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us 31159sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness 31160and acts that are contrary to habit... 31161 -- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease" 31162% 31163Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them. 31164 -- DeSegur 31165% 31166Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples. 31167% 31168Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last. 31169% 31170Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities. 31171 -- Napoleon Bonaparte 31172% 31173Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, 31174and speech only to conceal their thoughts. 31175 -- Voltaire 31176% 31177Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures 31178from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. 31179Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split 31180before. Thus was the Empire forged. 31181 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 31182% 31183Men who cherish for women the highest 31184respect are seldom popular with them. 31185 -- Joseph Addison 31186% 31187Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: 31188 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. 31189 31190Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: 31191 The quality of a champagne is judged by the 31192 amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped. 31193 31194Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: 31195 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. 31196 31197Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: 31198 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that 31199 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city 31200 can ever hope to acquire it. 31201% 31202Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen. 31203% 31204Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to 31205corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in 31206favor of smart solutions to stupid problems. 31207 -- Piers Anthony 31208% 31209Mental things which have not gone in through the 31210senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental. 31211 -- Leonardo 31212% 31213MENU: 31214 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. 31215% 31216Meskimen's Law: 31217 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to 31218 do it over. 31219% 31220Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ... 31221% 31222Message will arrive in the mail. 31223Destroy, before the FBI sees it. 31224% 31225METEOROLOGIST: 31226 One who doubts the established fact that it is 31227 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella. 31228% 31229Metermaids eat their young. 31230% 31231Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. 31232% 31233MICRO: 31234 Thinker toys. 31235% 31236Micro Credo: 31237 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. 31238% 31239Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! 31240% 31241Microwaves frizz your heir. 31242% 31243Mieux vaut tard que jamais! 31244% 31245Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to 31246get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. 31247 -- Casablanca 31248% 31249Miksch's Law: 31250 If a string has one end, then it has another end. 31251% 31252Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either. 31253% 31254Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. 31255 -- Groucho Marx 31256% 31257Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. 31258 -- Groucho Marx 31259% 31260Miller's Slogan: 31261 Lose a few, lose a few. 31262% 31263millihelen, adj: 31264 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. 31265% 31266Millions long for immortality who do not know what 31267to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 31268 -- Susan Ertz 31269% 31270Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is 31271almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee," 31272they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a 31273President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their 31274lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a 31275stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. 31276Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the 31277Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among 31278the gold and the black. 31279 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" 31280% 31281Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is 31282particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, 31283to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. 31284But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands 31285shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit 31286me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail. 31287% 31288"Mind if I smoke?" 31289 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!" 31290% 31291"Mind if I smoke?" 31292 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?" 31293% 31294Mind your own business, Spock. 31295I'm sick of your halfbreed interference. 31296% 31297Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine. 31298% 31299Minicomputer: 31300 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level 31301 manager. 31302% 31303Minnesota -- 31304 home of the blonde hair and blue ears. 31305 mosquito supplier to the free world. 31306 come fall in love with a loon. 31307 where visitors turn blue with envy. 31308 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold. 31309 land of many cultures -- mostly throat. 31310 where the elite meet sleet. 31311 glove it or leave it. 31312 many are cold, but few are frozen. 31313 land of the ski and home of the crazed. 31314 land of 10,000 Petersons. 31315% 31316Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. 31317% 31318MIPS: 31319 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed 31320% 31321Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. 31322 -- Jean Cocteau 31323% 31324Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. 31325% 31326Misery no longer loves company. 31327Nowadays it insists on it. 31328 -- Russell Baker 31329% 31330MISFORTUNE: 31331 The kind of fortune that never misses. 31332% 31333Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot. 31334% 31335MISS: 31336 A title with which we brand unmarried 31337 women to indicate that they are in the market. 31338% 31339Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to utter failure. 31340% 31341Mistrust first impulses; they are always right. 31342% 31343MIT: 31344 The Georgia Tech of the North 31345% 31346Mitchell's Law of Committees: 31347 Any simple problem can be made insoluble 31348 if enough meetings are held to discuss it. 31349% 31350mittsquinter, adj: 31351 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as 31352 if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there. 31353 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 31354% 31355Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; 31356it's lovely to be silly at the right moment. 31357 -- Horace 31358% 31359mixed emotions: 31360 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff. 31361 With five empty seats. 31362% 31363Mix's Law: 31364 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. 31365 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax. 31366% 31367Mobius strippers never show you their back side. 31368% 31369MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) 31370 31371 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 313722 cups water 2 cups sugar 313732 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 31374 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine 31375 Cinnamon 31376 31377Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break 31378RITZ Crackers coarsley into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar 31379and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon 31380juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously 31381with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top 31382crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let 31383steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust 31384is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. 31385 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box 31386% 31387Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business. 31388 -- P.J. Denning 31389% 31390modem, adj: 31391 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An 31392 unfortunate byproduct of kerning. 31393% 31394Moderation in all things. 31395 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence] 31396% 31397Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. 31398 -- Oscar Wilde 31399% 31400Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade 31401themselves that they have a better idea. 31402 -- John Ciardi 31403% 31404Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. 31405% 31406Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural 31407function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the 31408other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the 31409brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise. 31410Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite 31411conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it 31412is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working 31413assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it. 31414Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot 31415logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology. 31416 -- D.O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological 31417 Theory", 1949 31418% 31419MODESTY: 31420 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness. 31421% 31422Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue. 31423 -- J.K. Galbraith 31424% 31425Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending 31426 not to be aware of it. 31427 -- Oliver Herford 31428% 31429Moe: Wanna play poker tonight? 31430Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out. 31431Moe: So? 31432Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse. 31433% 31434Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day? 31435Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out. 31436% 31437Moebius always does it on the same side. 31438% 31439Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him 31440how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. 31441The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better. 31442% 31443Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet 31444in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a 31445hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of 31446the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane, 31447but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him. 31448So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all 31449over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe, 31450the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in 31451the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he 31452awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally 31453woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion. 31454 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously. 31455% 31456MOLECULE: 31457 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from 31458 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a 31459 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit 31460 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and 31461 the atom in that it is an ion... 31462% 31463Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: 31464 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review 31465 and be implemented it wasn't worth doing. 31466% 31467MOMENTUM: 31468 What you give a person when they are going away. 31469% 31470Mommy, what happens to your files when you die? 31471% 31472Mom's Law: 31473 When they finally do have to take you to the 31474 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new. 31475% 31476MONDAY: 31477 In Christian countries, the day after the football game. 31478 -- Ambrose Bierce 31479% 31480Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. 31481% 31482Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two 31483things we have. 31484 -- The Best of Will Rogers 31485% 31486Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship. 31487% 31488Money cannot buy 31489The fuel of love 31490but is excellent kindling. 31491 31492To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say, 31493Is a keen observer of life, 31494The word intellectual suggests right away 31495A man who's untrue to his wife. 31496 -- W.H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems" 31497% 31498Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you 31499awfully comfortable while you're being miserable. 31500 -- C.B. Luce 31501% 31502Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. 31503 -- Christopher Marlowe 31504% 31505Money doesn't talk, it swears. 31506 -- Bob Dylan 31507% 31508Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well. 31509 -- Lazarus Long 31510% 31511Money is its own reward. 31512% 31513Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. 31514% 31515Money is the root of all wealth. 31516% 31517Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash. 31518 -- Lazarus Long 31519% 31520Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next. 31521 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale 31522% 31523Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love. 31524% 31525Money may not buy happiness, but it sure 31526puts you in a great bargaining position. 31527% 31528Money will say more in one moment than 31529the most eloquent lover can in years. 31530% 31531Moneyliness is next to Godliness. 31532 -- Andries van Dam 31533% 31534Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses. 31535 -- H.H. Munro 31536% 31537MONOTONY: 31538 Marriage to one woman at a time. 31539% 31540MONTANA: 31541 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television. 31542% 31543MONTANA: 31544 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff. 31545% 31546Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place 31547in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling 31548of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery. 31549 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840 31550% 31551moon, n: 31552 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to 31553hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). 31554% 31555Moore's Constant: 31556 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody 31557 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do. 31558% 31559MOPHOBIA: 31560 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 31561% 31562mophobia, n: 31563 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 31564% 31565More are taken in by hope than by cunning. 31566 -- Vauvenargues 31567% 31568More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice. 31569 -- R.S. Surtees 31570% 31571More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island. 31572% 31573More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants. 31574% 31575MORE SPORTS RESULTS: 31576The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday 31577night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians 31578waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for 31579the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was 31580broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted 31581the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities. 31582At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're 31583full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials. 31584% 31585More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path 31586leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. 31587Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. 31588 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 31589% 31590Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly 31591religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help. 31592One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent 31593man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery 31594just once?" 31595 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris, 31596nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before. 31597I just want to win one little lottery." 31598 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at 31599least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!" 31600% 31601Morton's Law: 31602 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer. 31603% 31604Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more 31605wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types... 31606 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars" 31607% 31608Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: 31609 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. 31610 If everything did, you'd be out of a job. 31611% 31612MOSQUITO: 31613 The state bird of New Jersey. 31614% 31615Most burning issues generate far more heat than light. 31616% 31617Most folks they like the daytime, 31618 'cause they like to see the shining sun. 31619They're up in the morning, 31620 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun. 31621But when the sun goes down, 31622 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun. 31623 31624Now there are two sides to this great big world, 31625 and one of them is always night. 31626If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby, 31627 I guess you're gonna be all right. 31628Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand. 31629 My eyes just can't stand the light. 31630 31631'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long. 31632 -- Carly Simon 31633% 31634Most general statements are false, including this one. 31635 -- Alexander Dumas 31636% 31637Most of our lives are about proving something, 31638either to ourselves or to someone else. 31639% 31640Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking 31641difficulties before we get to them. 31642 -- Dr. Frank Crane 31643% 31644...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably 31645useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends, 31646hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute 31647and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of 31648lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from 31649which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not 31650speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women 31651of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution 31652has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love. 31653 -- Alix Kates Shulman 31654% 31655Most of your faults are not your fault. 31656% 31657Most people are too busy to have time for anything important. 31658% 31659Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and 31660they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment 31661to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the 31662moon. 31663 -- H.L. Mencken 31664% 31665Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries. 31666% 31667Most people deserve each other. 31668 -- Shirley 31669% 31670Most people don't need a great deal of love 31671nearly so much as they need a steady supply. 31672% 31673Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market. 31674 -- E.W. Howe 31675% 31676Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion. 31677% 31678Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained 31679only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial 31680quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs. 31681 -- W.S. Maugham 31682% 31683Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only. 31684% 31685Most people have two reasons for doing anything -- 31686a good reason, and the real reason. 31687% 31688Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are, 31689at best, reformed or potential lunatics. 31690 -- Susan Sontag 31691% 31692Most people need some of their problems 31693to help take their mind off some of the others. 31694% 31695Most people prefer certainty to truth. 31696% 31697Most people want either less corruption 31698or more of a chance to participate in it. 31699% 31700Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands, 31701if you'll consider their unacceptable offer. 31702% 31703Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning. 31704% 31705Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance. 31706% 31707Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who 31708can't talk for people who can't read. 31709 -- Frank Zappa 31710% 31711Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over. 31712% 31713Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. 31714 -- Richard Lewis 31715% 31716MOTHER: 31717 Half a word. 31718% 31719Mother Earth is not flat! 31720% 31721Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that 31722there would be so many. 31723% 31724Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there 31725would be so many. 31726% 31727Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before. 31728% 31729Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they 31730don't want them to become politicians in the process. 31731 -- John F. Kennedy 31732% 31733Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense) 31734Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense. 31735 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger" 31736% 31737Mount St. Helens should have used earth control. 31738% 31739MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING 31740% 31741Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal 31742of the day. 31743% 31744Mr. Cole's Axiom: 31745 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the 31746 population is growing. 31747% 31748Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from 31749the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's 31750shirts but they're going back. 31751% 31752Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could 31753you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it! 31754% 31755Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your 31756renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but 31757at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator. 31758% 31759Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary 31760Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free 31761lessons or what? 31762% 31763Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. 31764When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was 31765wrong, "Up to a point." 31766 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? 31767Yokohama isn't it?" 31768 "Up to a point, Lord Copper." 31769 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?" 31770 "Definitely, Lord Copper." 31771 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop" 31772% 31773MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way. 31774 -- Henry Spencer 31775% 31776Much of the excitement we get out of our work 31777is that we don't really know what we are doing. 31778 -- E. Dijkstra 31779% 31780Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day. 31781He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face. 31782"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should 31783 be shared." 31784But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more: 31785First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes... 31786"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!" 31787But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong... 31788"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that 31789 with prawns, 31790Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..." 31791But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung, 31792His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot, 31793And now he's going to scoff the lot!" 31794His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..." 31795And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen. 31796and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor... 31797None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is. 31798% 31799Multics is security spelled sideways. 31800% 31801"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365, 31802365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry 31803Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the 31804tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes 31805smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more 31806than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" 31807An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be 31808as much fun to watch. 31809 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics" 31810% 31811MUMMY: 31812 An Egyptian who was pressed for time. 31813% 31814Mummy dust to make me old; 31815To shroud my clothes, the black of night; 31816To age my voice, an old hag's cackle; 31817To whiten my hair, a scream of fright; 31818A blast of wind to fan my hate; 31819A thunderbolt to mix it well -- 31820Now begin thy magic spell! 31821 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White" 31822% 31823Mummy dust to make me old; 31824To shroud my clothes, the black of night; 31825To age my voice, an old hag's cackle; 31826To whiten my hair, a scream of fright; 31827A blast of wind to fan my hate; 31828A thunderbolt to mix it well -- 31829Now begin thy magic spell! 31830 -- Walter Disney, "Snow White" 31831% 31832Mum's the word. 31833 -- Miguel de Cervantes 31834% 31835Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo. 31836 -- Xaviera Hollander 31837 31838[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.] 31839% 31840Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot 31841talk about after dinner. 31842 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" 31843% 31844Murphy was an optimist. 31845% 31846Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 31847% 31848Murphy's Law of Research: 31849 Enough research will tend to support your theory. 31850% 31851Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem. 31852 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 31853% 31854Murphy's Laws: 31855 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will. 31856 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks. 31857 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will. 31858% 31859Murray's Rule: 31860 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't. 31861% 31862Music in the soul can be heard by the universe. 31863 -- Lao Tsu 31864% 31865Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people. 31866% 31867Must I hold a candle to my shames? 31868 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 31869% 31870MUSTGO: 31871 Any item of food that has been sitting in the 31872 refrigerator so long it has become a science project. 31873 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 31874% 31875My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. 31876 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel" 31877% 31878My analyst told me that I was right out of my head, 31879 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead. 31880Because I have got a thing that is unique and new, 31881 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you. 31882'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two. 31883 31884And you know two heads are better than one. 31885% 31886My best argument against discrimination is quite simple: 31887 31888Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if 31889they can tell one end of a gun from the other? 31890% 31891My Bonnie looked into a gas tank, 31892The height of its contents to see! 31893She lit a small match to assist her, 31894Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me. 31895% 31896My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms 31897to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, 31898only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with 31899a bulls-eye on the back. 31900 31901I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them 31902said, "So will you." 31903 -- Rodney Dangerfield 31904% 31905My brain is my second favorite organ. 31906 -- Woody Allen 31907% 31908My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo 31909of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here". 31910 -- Steven Wright 31911% 31912My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want 31913It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures, 31914 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits. 31915It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating 31916 decimal points for the sake of precision. 31917Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes, 31918 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me. 31919It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an 31920 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers. 31921It annoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are 31922 over. 31923Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my 31924 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever. 31925% 31926My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty 31927nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and, 31928instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at 31929a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at 31930the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which 31931turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain 31932that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were 31933just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that. 31934 -- Hunter S. Thompson 31935% 31936"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think 31937of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother, 31938drunk or sober." 31939 -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Defendant" 31940% 31941"My country right or wrong" is like saying, "My mother drunk or 31942sober." 31943 -- G.K. Chesterton 31944% 31945My cup hath runneth'd over with love. 31946% 31947My darling wife was always glum. 31948I drowned her in a cask of rum, 31949And so made sure that she would stay 31950In better spirits night and day. 31951% 31952My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. 31953Unless there are three other people. 31954 -- Orson Welles 31955% 31956My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there 31957are three other people. 31958 -- Orson Welles 31959% 31960My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me. 31961% 31962My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, 31963beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much 31964is going on. 31965 -- J.F. Kennedy 31966% 31967My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you. 31968 -- Iphicrates 31969% 31970My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose 31971your ignorance; you cannot replace it." 31972 -- Erich Maria Remarque 31973% 31974My father taught me three things: 31975 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water. 31976 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight. 31977 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name. 31978% 31979My father was a God-fearing man, but he never 31980missed a copy of the New York Times, either. 31981 -- E.B. White 31982% 31983My father was a saint, I'm not. 31984 -- Indira Gandhi 31985% 31986My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce 31987and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side. 31988 -- Senator Hubert Humphrey 31989% 31990My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh 31991Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the 31992New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors 31993and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can 31994somebody think of something to help us win a game?" 31995 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit 31996to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul." 31997 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 31998% 31999My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, 32000but they were there to meet the boat. 32001% 32002My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so 32003later I can ask him what he meant. 32004 -- Stephen Wright 32005% 32006My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, 32007but always, always, he was right. 32008% 32009My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First 32010she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go 32011back and dig her up. 32012% 32013"My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?" 32014"Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo." 32015% 32016My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times 32017as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending 32018mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU. 32019I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it 32020would be better for us both if you were to just log out again. 32021% 32022My, how you've changed since I've changed. 32023% 32024My idea of roughing it is when room service is late. 32025% 32026My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low. 32027% 32028My interest is in the future because I am 32029going to spend the rest of my life there. 32030% 32031My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, 32032 And a wild young wood-thing bore him! 32033The ways are fair to his roaming feet, 32034 And the skies are sunlit for him. 32035As sharply sweet to my heart he seems 32036 As the fragrance of acacia. 32037My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- 32038 And I wish he were in Asia. 32039 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2 32040% 32041My love runs by like a day in June, 32042 And he makes no friends of sorrows. 32043He'll tread his galloping rigadoon 32044 In the pathway or the morrows. 32045He'll live his days where the sunbeams start 32046 Nor could storm or wind uproot him. 32047My own dear love, he is all my heart -- 32048 And I wish somebody'd shoot him. 32049 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3 32050% 32051My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right 32052thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity. 32053 -- G.B. Shaw 32054% 32055My mind can never know my body, although 32056it has become quite friendly with my legs. 32057 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology 32058% 32059My mother drinks to forget she drinks. 32060 -- Crazy Jimmy 32061% 32062My mother loved children -- she would 32063have given anything if I had been one. 32064 -- Groucho Marx 32065% 32066My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood) 32067"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." 32068For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant. 32069 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey" 32070% 32071My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!" 32072 -- Sue Murphy 32073% 32074My My, hey hey 32075Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten 32076It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten 32077Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust 32078My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten 32079 32080It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my 32081They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die 32082And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture 32083When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye 32084And into the black 32085 -- Neil Young 32086 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps" 32087% 32088My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should 32089be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties. 32090% 32091My only love sprung from my only hate! 32092Too early seen unknown, and known too late! 32093 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" 32094% 32095My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 32096% 32097My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. 32098 -- O. Wilde 32099% 32100My own dear love, he is strong and bold 32101 And he cares not what comes after. 32102His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, 32103 And his eyes are lit with laughter. 32104He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- 32105 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. 32106My own dear love, he is all my world -- 32107 And I wish I'd never met him. 32108 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1 32109% 32110My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, 32111and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be 32112reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent 32113to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not 32114we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand, 32115slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point 32116from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now 32117would be to deny our history, our capabilities. 32118 -- James A. Michener 32119% 32120"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!" 32121 -- Zippy the Pinhead 32122% 32123My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life. 32124% 32125My pen is at the bottom of a page, 32126Which, being finished, here the story ends; 32127'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, 32128But stories somehow lengthen when begun. 32129 -- Byron 32130% 32131My philosophy is: Don't think. 32132 -- Charles Manson 32133% 32134My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. 32135 -- Errol Flynn 32136 32137Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. 32138 -- Errol Flynn 32139% 32140My rackets are run on strictly American 32141lines, and they're going to stay that way. 32142 -- A. Capone 32143% 32144My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior 32145spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive 32146with our frail and feeble mind. 32147 -- Albert Einstein 32148% 32149My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I 32150hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped 32151in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot 32152character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off 32153of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog, 32154Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful 32155dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants 32156to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear 32157in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind 32158-- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new 32159part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop 32160right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children 32161have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen 32162exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 32163 -- Dave Barry 32164% 32165My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any 32166reason to limit myself. 32167 -- Emo Philips 32168% 32169My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. 32170She sells C shells by the seashore. 32171% 32172My soul is crushed, my spirit sore 32173I do not like me anymore, 32174I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse, 32175I ponder on the narrow house 32176I shudder at the thought of men 32177I'm due to fall in love again. 32178 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope" 32179% 32180My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. 32181 -- Christopher Morley 32182% 32183My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago. 32184 -- George Gobel 32185% 32186My way of joking is to tell the truth. 32187That's the funniest joke in the world. 32188 -- Muhammad Ali 32189% 32190My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. 32191% 32192Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them. 32193 -- Booth Tarkington 32194% 32195mythology, n: 32196 The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin, 32197 early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished 32198 from the true accounts which it invents later. 32199 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 32200% 32201Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer) 32202is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good 32203returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren. 32204 32205So, now that you all understand naches, the joke: 32206 32207Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee. 32208 "So, how's your daughter?" 32209 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!" 32210 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?" 32211 "Yes, that's my Rachel." 32212 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married 32213 the doctor?" 32214 "Yes, that's her!" 32215 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?" 32216 "Yes, yes!" 32217 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!" 32218% 32219Nachman's Rule: 32220 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better. 32221 -- Gerald Nachman 32222% 32223Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection. 32224 -- '76 Olympics 32225% 32226'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. 32227Never odd or even. 32228A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. 32229Madam, I'm Adam. 32230Sit on a potato pan, Otis. 32231 -- The Mad Palindromist 32232% 32233NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? 32234 Everything he says is wrong. 32235GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, 32236 and then everything he says will be right. 32237 32238 -- G.B. Shaw 32239% 32240narcolepulacyi, n: 32241 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight 32242 to also yawn. 32243 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 32244% 32245Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said 32246"My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he 32247goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal 32248it." 32249% 32250Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers 32251gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I 32252only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the 32253stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager 32254asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly, 32255for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; 32256he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they 32257were spoken to. 32258% 32259Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve 32260him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your 32261shop?" 32262 "Of course." 32263 "Have you ever seen me before?" 32264 "Never." 32265 "Then how do you know it was me?" 32266% 32267Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful 32268than the sun." 32269 "Why?", he was asked. 32270 "Because at night we need the light more." 32271% 32272Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie. 32273Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from 32274his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird! 32275You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?" 32276% 32277National security is in your hands - guard it well. 32278% 32279Natural laws have no pity. 32280% 32281Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders 32282of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to 32283drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, 32284or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people 32285can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you 32286have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists 32287for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same 32288in every country. 32289 -- Hermann Goering 32290% 32291Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation 32292of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the 32293fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be 32294creamed? 32295 -- Solomon Short 32296% 32297Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset. 32298 -- Clare Booth Luce 32299% 32300Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 32301% 32302Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, 32303God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. 32304 32305It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! 32306Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. 32307% 32308Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely 32309given them little. 32310 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson 32311% 32312Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, 32313it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. 32314 -- Fran Lebowitz 32315% 32316Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be 32317tolerated until they acquire some sense. 32318 -- William Phelps 32319% 32320Nature to all things fixed the limits fit, 32321And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit. 32322As on the land while here the ocean gains, 32323In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains; 32324Thus in the soul while memory prevails, 32325The solid power of understanding fails; 32326Where beams of warm imagination play, 32327The memory's soft figures melt away. 32328 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?) 32329% 32330Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed. 32331 -- Francis Bacon 32332% 32333Near the Studio Jean Cocteau 32334On the Rue des Ecoles 32335lived an old man 32336with a blind dog 32337Every evening I would see him 32338guiding the dog along 32339the sidewalk, keeping 32340a firm grip on the leash 32341so that the dog wouldn't 32342run into a passerby 32343Sometimes the dog would stop 32344and look up at the sky 32345Once the old man 32346noticed me watching the dog 32347and he said, "Oh, yes, 32348this one knows 32349when the moon is out, 32350he can feel it on his face" 32351 -- Barry Gifford 32352% 32353Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you 32354want to test a man's character, give him power. 32355 -- Abraham Lincoln 32356% 32357Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I 32358have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong. 32359 -- Brent Welch 32360% 32361Necessity has no law. 32362 -- St. Augustine 32363% 32364Necessity hath no law. 32365 -- Oliver Cromwell 32366% 32367Necessity is a mother. 32368% 32369"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity 32370is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth. 32371 -- Alfred North Whitehead 32372% 32373Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. 32374It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. 32375 -- William Pitt, 1783 32376% 32377Neckties strangle clear thinking. 32378 -- Lin Yutang 32379% 32380Needs are a function of what other people have. 32381% 32382Negative expectations yield negative results. 32383Positive expectations yield negative results. 32384% 32385Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty. 32386 -- Napoleon 32387% 32388Neil Armstrong tripped. 32389% 32390Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so. 32391% 32392Nemo me impune lacessit 32393 [No one provokes me with impunity] 32394 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland 32395% 32396nerd pack, n: 32397 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling 32398 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be 32399 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling 32400 in his pack. 32401% 32402Neuroses are red, 32403 Melancholia's blue. 32404I'm schizophrenic, 32405 What are you? 32406% 32407Neurotics build castles in the sky, 32408Psychotics live in them, 32409And psychiatrists collect the rent. 32410% 32411Neutrinos are into physicists. 32412% 32413Neutrinos have bad breadth. 32414% 32415neutron bomb, n: 32416 An explosive device of limited military value because, as 32417 it only destroys people without destroying property, it 32418 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property. 32419% 32420Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy. 32421 -- Linda Festa 32422% 32423Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. 32424Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. 32425 -- Lazarus Long 32426% 32427Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference. 32428% 32429Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. 32430% 32431Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested. 32432% 32433Never ask the barber if you need a haircut. 32434% 32435Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss 32436the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other. 32437% 32438Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. 32439 -- Anonymous 32440% 32441Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. 32442% 32443Never buy from a rich salesman. 32444 -- Goldenstern 32445% 32446Never buy what you do not want 32447because it is cheap; it will be dear to you. 32448 -- Thomas Jefferson 32449% 32450Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. 32451% 32452Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. 32453% 32454Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 32455% 32456Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. 32457% 32458Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled 32459with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change 32460into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the 32461window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.) 32462% 32463Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water. 32464% 32465Never eat anything bigger than your head. 32466% 32467Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. 32468And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. 32469 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know" 32470% 32471Never eat more than you can lift. 32472 -- Miss Piggy 32473% 32474Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're 32475absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth. 32476% 32477Never explain. Your friends do not need it 32478and your enemies will never believe you anyway. 32479 -- Elbert Hubbard 32480% 32481Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning. 32482 -- Marlo Thomas 32483% 32484Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry. 32485% 32486Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you. 32487% 32488Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose. 32489% 32490Never give an inch! 32491% 32492Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 32493 -- Erma Bombeck 32494% 32495Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. 32496 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints" 32497% 32498Never have children, only grandchildren. 32499 -- Gore Vidal 32500% 32501Never have so many understood so little about so much. 32502 -- James Burke 32503% 32504Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat. 32505% 32506Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river. 32507% 32508Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. 32509 -- Billy Rose 32510% 32511Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. 32512 -- Quentin Crisp 32513% 32514Never kick a man, unless he's down. 32515% 32516Never laugh at live dragons. 32517 -- Bilbo Baggins 32518% 32519Never leave anything to chance; 32520make sure all your crimes are premeditated. 32521% 32522Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. 32523 -- Erma Bombeck 32524% 32525Never let someone who says it cannot be done 32526interrupt the person who is doing it. 32527% 32528Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. 32529 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" 32530% 32531Never look a gift horse in the mouth. 32532 -- Saint Jerome 32533% 32534Never look up when dragons fly overhead. 32535% 32536Never make anything simple and efficient when a 32537way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. 32538% 32539Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. 32540 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 32541% 32542Never offend with style when you can offend with substance. 32543% 32544Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt. 32545% 32546Never play pool with anyone named "Fats". 32547% 32548Never promise more than you can perform. 32549 -- Publilius Syrus 32550% 32551Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. 32552 -- D. Gries 32553% 32554Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. 32555% 32556Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after. 32557% 32558Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection 32559unprotected. 32560 -- Robert Orben 32561% 32562Never reveal your best argument. 32563% 32564Never say "Oops" in an operating room. 32565% 32566Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. 32567% 32568Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. 32569 -- Nelson Algren 32570% 32571Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on 32572that subject. 32573 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand 32574% 32575NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle. 32576% 32577Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks 32578in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm 32579tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay 32580On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..." 32581 -- Lenny Bruce 32582% 32583Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to 32584do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. 32585 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr. 32586% 32587Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. 32588 -- Steinbach 32589% 32590Never trust a child farther than you can throw it. 32591% 32592Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself. 32593% 32594Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal. 32595 -- John Dillinger 32596% 32597Never trust an operating system. 32598% 32599Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg. 32600% 32601Never trust anyone who says money is no object. 32602% 32603Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain 32604sex to a virgin. 32605 -- Robert Heinlein 32606 32607(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.) 32608% 32609Never try to outstubborn a cat. 32610 -- Lazarus Long 32611% 32612Never try to teach a pig to sing. 32613It wastes your time and annoys the pig. 32614% 32615Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. 32616% 32617Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. 32618% 32619Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where 32620there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc. 32621% 32622Never volunteer for anything. 32623 -- Lackland 32624% 32625Never worry about theory as long as the 32626machinery does what it's supposed to do. 32627 -- R.A. Heinlein 32628% 32629new, adj: 32630 Different color from previous model. 32631% 32632New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. 32633% 32634New England Life, of course. Why? 32635% 32636New England Life, of course. Why do you ask? 32637% 32638New members are urgently needed in the Society 32639for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. 32640% 32641New release: 32642 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting 32643 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this 32644 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait. 32645% 32646New systems generate new problems. 32647% 32648New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his 32649age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. 32650 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 32651% 32652New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around 32653whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. 32654 -- David Letterman 32655% 32656New York-- to that tall skyline I come 32657Flyin' in from London to your door 32658New York-- lookin' down on Central Park 32659Where they say you should not wander after dark. 32660New York. 32661 -- Simon and Garfunkle 32662% 32663New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be. 32664% 32665Newlan's Truism: 32666 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the 32667 government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. 32668% 32669Newman's Discovery: 32670 Your best dreams may not come true; 32671 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams. 32672% 32673Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then 32674print the chaff. 32675 -- Adlai Stevenson 32676% 32677NEWS FLASH!! 32678 Today the East German pole-vault champion 32679 became the West German pole-vault champion. 32680% 32681news: gotcha 32682% 32683NEWSFLASH!! 32684 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at 326851700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down. 32686It was. Age 31. 32687% 32688Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: 32689 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. 32690% 32691Next Friday will not be your lucky day. 32692As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. 32693% 32694Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. 32695 -- Foghorn Leghorn 32696% 32697Nice guys don't finish nice. 32698% 32699Nice guys finish last. 32700 -- Leo Durocher 32701% 32702Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. 32703 -- Evan Davis 32704% 32705Nice guys get sick. 32706% 32707Nick the Greek's Law of Life: 32708 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against. 32709% 32710Nietzsche is pietzsche. 32711% 32712Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder. 32713% 32714Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. 32715God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. 32716 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters" 32717% 32718Nihilism should commence with oneself. 32719% 32720Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his 32721name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into 32722(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, 32723but Americans call him by value. 32724% 32725Nine megs for the secretaries fair, 32726Seven megs for the hackers scarce, 32727Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, 32728Three megs for system source; 32729 32730One disk to rule them all, 32731One disk to bind them, 32732One disk to hold the files 32733And in the darkness grind 'em. 32734% 32735Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes 32736And tapes without any tracks; 32737Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes 32738And tapes mixed up on the racks -- 32739 Take hold of the tape 32740 And pull off the strip, 32741 And then you'll be sure 32742 Your tape drive will skip. 32743 32744 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 32745% 32746Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. 32747 -- Henry Kissinger 32748% 32749Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. 32750The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much. 32751 -- Augustine 32752% 32753Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they 32754would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect 32755that much. 32756 -- Augustine 32757% 32758Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: 32759 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of 32760 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. 32761% 32762Nirvana? That's the place where the powers 32763that be and their friends hang out. 32764 -- Zonker Harris 32765% 32766Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing 32767else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow 32768the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked. 32769 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye" 32770% 32771No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. 32772 -- Aesop 32773% 32774No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. 32775% 32776No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. 32777% 32778No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. 32779 -- William Blake 32780% 32781no brainer: 32782 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope, 32783 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally. 32784% 32785No character, however upright, is a match for 32786constantly reiterated attacks, however false. 32787 -- Alexander Hamilton 32788% 32789No Civil War picture ever made a nickel. 32790 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about 32791 film rights to "Gone With the Wind". 32792 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 32793% 32794No directory. 32795% 32796No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon 32797lectures which are really worth the attending. 32798 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations" 32799% 32800No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself 32801on the grounds that it was human nature. 32802% 32803No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.' 32804 -- Dr. Who 32805% 32806No evil can happen to a good man. 32807 -- Plato 32808% 32809No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness. 32810 -- Aristotle 32811% 32812No extensible language will be universal. 32813 -- T. Cheatham 32814% 32815No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl; 32816no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman. 32817 -- Landor 32818% 32819No good deed goes unpunished. 32820 -- Clare Booth Luce 32821% 32822No group of professionals meets except to 32823conspire against the public at large. 32824 -- Mark Twain 32825% 32826No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that 32827he will not become a nuisance after three days. 32828 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 32829% 32830No guts, no glory. 32831% 32832No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware 32833until three software guys have signed off for it. 32834 -- Andy Tanenbaum 32835% 32836No, his mind is not for rent 32837To any god or government. 32838Always hopeful, yet discontent, 32839He knows changes aren't permanent - 32840But change is. 32841% 32842No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets. 32843% 32844No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. 32845It should be of the hill, belonging to it. 32846 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 32847% 32848No, I don't have a drinking problem. 32849I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem! 32850% 32851No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is 32852just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone 32853and Telegraph Company. 32854 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking 32855 machine, 1943. 32856% 32857No is no negative in a woman's mouth. 32858 -- Sidney 32859% 32860"No job too big; no fee too big!" 32861 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters" 32862% 32863No line available at 300 baud. 32864% 32865No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of 32866absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. 32867Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness 32868within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. 32869Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and 32870doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone 32871of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone. 32872 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House" 32873% 32874no maintenance: 32875 Impossible to fix. 32876% 32877No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost 32878interest in hair restorers. 32879 -- Austin O'Malley 32880% 32881No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating 32882one peanut. 32883 -- Channing Pollock 32884% 32885No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the 32886Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, 32887Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if 32888a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes 32889me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know 32890for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee. 32891 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland" 32892% 32893No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. 32894% 32895No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list. 32896% 32897No man is useless who has a friend, 32898and if we are loved we are indispensable. 32899 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 32900% 32901No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next. 32902 -- E.W. Howe 32903% 32904No man's ambition has a right to stand in 32905the way of performing a simple act of justice. 32906 -- John Altgeld 32907% 32908No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher 32909than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination. 32910 -- Lenin, 1918 32911% 32912No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night 32913with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck. 32914But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification 32915in the afternoons. 32916 -- Salvador Dali 32917% 32918No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up. 32919% 32920No matter how much you do you never do enough. 32921% 32922No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for 32923signs of improvement. 32924 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell 32925% 32926No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously 32927cramp his style. 32928% 32929No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would. 32930% 32931No matter where I go, the place is always called "here". 32932% 32933No matter who you are, some scholar can show you 32934the great idea you had was had by someone before you. 32935% 32936No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, 32937th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns. 32938 -- Mr. Dooley 32939% 32940No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an 32941unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway. 32942 -- Arthur Binstead 32943% 32944No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it 32945all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly 32946the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these 32947republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it 32948ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under 32949every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best. 32950 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816 32951% 32952No one becomes depraved in a moment. 32953 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis 32954% 32955No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. 32956% 32957No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a 32958dirty little beast. 32959 -- W.S. Gilbert 32960% 32961No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 32962 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 32963% 32964No one can put you down without your full cooperation. 32965% 32966No one gets sick on Wednesdays. 32967% 32968No one knows like a woman how to say 32969things that are at once gentle and deep. 32970 -- Hugo 32971% 32972No one knows what he can do till he tries. 32973 -- Publilius Syrus 32974% 32975No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars. 32976 -- Quintus Ennius 32977% 32978No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the 32979one who's giving it. 32980 -- Hal Chadwick 32981% 32982NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS 32983 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907 32984% 32985No pig should go sky diving during monsoon 32986For this isn't really the norm. 32987But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon, 32988So what? Any pork in a storm. 32989 32990No pig should go sky diving during monsoon, 32991It's risky enough when the weather is fine. 32992But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar 32993Cast even more perils before swine. 32994% 32995No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- 32996He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. 32997Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame 32998And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. 32999 (refrain) 33000Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails 33001And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. 33002All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff 33003But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" 33004 (refrain) 33005Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. 33006The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. 33007A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, 33008But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! 33009 (refrain) 33010Refrain: 33011 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 33012 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 33013 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 33014 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 33015% 33016No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of 33017them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe 33018their wish has been granted. 33019 -- W.H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand" 33020% 33021No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. 33022% 33023No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 33024% 33025No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 33026 -- C. Schulz 33027% 33028No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. 33029% 33030"No program is perfect," 33031They said with a shrug. 33032"The customer's happy-- 33033What's one little bug?" 33034 33035But he was determined, Then change two, then three more, 33036The others went home. As year followed year. 33037He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment, 33038Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?" 33039 33040Night passed into morning. He died at the console 33041The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst 33042With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried 33043"I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first. 33044 33045Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears 33046Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate. 33047"I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone, 33048"Just change one instruction." He's just working late." 33049 -- The Perfect Programmer 33050% 33051No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied 33052occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an 33053indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence 33054different from the one identified by the given indication as an 33055indication-applied occurrence. 33056 -- ALGOL 68 Report 33057% 33058No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious. 33059% 33060No rock so hard but that a little wave 33061May beat admission in a thousand years. 33062 -- Tennyson 33063% 33064No self-made man ever did such a good job 33065that some woman didn't want to make some alterations. 33066 -- Kim Hubbard 33067% 33068No skis take rocks like rental skis! 33069% 33070No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary 33071for that purpose to keep awake all day. 33072 -- Nietzsche 33073% 33074No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible. 33075% 33076No sooner had Edger Allen Poe 33077Finished his old Raven, 33078then he started his Old Crow. 33079% 33080No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth. 33081 -- Quintus Ennius 33082% 33083No spitting on the Bus! 33084Thank you, The Management. 33085% 33086No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk. 33087 -- Richard Nixon 33088% 33089No two persons ever read the same book. 33090 -- Edmund Wilson 33091% 33092No use getting too involved in life -- 33093you're only here for a limited time. 33094% 33095No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! 33096 -- Sherlock Holmes 33097% 33098No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether 33099she will or will not be a mother. 33100 -- Margaret H. Sanger 33101% 33102No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner. 33103 -- Lord Thomas Dewar 33104% 33105No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of 33106him than he deserves. 33107 -- Edgar Watson Howe 33108% 33109No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo. 33110Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop! 33111% 33112No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today. 33113% 33114No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow. 33115% 33116Nobert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Weiner was, in 33117fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they 33118moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely 33119useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since 33120she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had 33121moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to 33122him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He 33123reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled 33124some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and 33125threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the 33126old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they 33127had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of 33128paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There 33129was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where 33130he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner 33131and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the 33132young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget." 33133 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the 33134story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't 33135quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it, 33136however, was pretty close to what actually happened... 33137 -- Richard Harter 33138% 33139Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. 33140% 33141Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. 33142 -- Tallulah Bankhead 33143% 33144Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning. 33145% 33146Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. 33147 -- Kin Hubbard 33148% 33149Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something. 33150% 33151NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. 33152% 33153Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel 33154limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good 33155if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We 33156shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact; 33157that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too. 33158It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks. 33159 -- Liv Ullman 33160% 33161Nobody knows the trouble I've been. 33162% 33163Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears. 33164 -- Roy Harper 33165% 33166Nobody loves me, 33167Everybody hates me, 33168I think I'll go out and eat worms. 33169I'm gonna cut their heads off, 33170Eat their insides out, 33171And throw way the skins. 33172Big, fat, juicy ones, 33173Little, skinny, cute ones, 33174Watch how they wiggle and they squirm. 33175% 33176Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married. 33177And then it's too late. 33178% 33179Nobody shot me. 33180 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police 33181 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint 33182 Valentine's Day Massacre. 33183 33184Only Capone kills like that. 33185 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre 33186 33187The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran. 33188 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre 33189% 33190Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order 33191for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of 33192their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old. 33193 -- Lewis Lapham 33194% 33195Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold our 33196your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's 33197different. 33198 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P. 33199 O'Brien, instructions to the force. 33200% 33201Nobody wants constructive criticism. 33202It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. 33203% 33204Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start 33205coming in late and lying about it. 33206% 33207nohup rm -fr /& 33208% 33209Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has 33210merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. 33211 -- Mark Twain 33212% 33213nolo contendere: 33214 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do 33215 it again." 33216% 33217nominal egg: 33218 New Yorkerese for expensive. 33219% 33220Noncombatant: 33221 A dead Quaker. 33222 -- Ambrose Bierce 33223% 33224Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable. 33225 -- M.J. 0'Donnell 33226% 33227Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. 33228% 33229None love the bearer of bad news. 33230 -- Sophocles 33231% 33232None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary 33233to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one 33234ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a 33235job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing 33236forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient 33237he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a 33238state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the 33239"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible. 33240 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work" 33241% 33242Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it. 33243 -- Heisenberg 33244% 33245Nonsense and beauty have close connections. 33246 -- E.M. Forster 33247% 33248Noone ever built a statue to a critic. 33249% 33250No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good 33251intentions. He had money as well. 33252 -- Margaret Thatcher 33253% 33254Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps. 33255 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter 33256 33257Coach: How's life treating you, Norm? 33258Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife. 33259 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's 33260 33261Coach: How's life, Norm? 33262Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach. 33263 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants 33264% 33265Norm: Hey, everybody. 33266All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.] 33267Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.] 33268 Norm! (Norman.) 33269 How are you feeling today, Norm? 33270 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer. 33271 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash 33272 33273Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson? 33274Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer. 33275 Film at eleven. 33276 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar 33277 33278Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson? 33279Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better. 33280 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone 33281% 33282[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.] 33283 33284Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera? 33285Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe. 33286 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest 33287 33288Coach: What's up, Normie? 33289Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach. 33290 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2) 33291 33292Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie? 33293Norm: Going down? 33294 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom 33295% 33296[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.] 33297 33298Off-screen crowd: Norm! 33299Sam: How the hell do they know him here? 33300Cliff: He's got a life, you know. 33301 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity 33302 33303Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson? 33304Norm: Elope with my wife. 33305 -- Cheers, The Triangle 33306 33307Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson? 33308Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie. 33309 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please? 33310% 33311[Norm is angry.] 33312 33313Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson? 33314Norm: Clifford Clavin's head. 33315 -- Cheers, The Triangle 33316 33317Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm? 33318Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, 33319 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear. 33320 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle 33321 33322Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie? 33323Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp. 33324 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day 33325% 33326[Norm returns from the hospital.] 33327 33328Coach: What's up, Norm? 33329Norm: Everything that's supposed to be. 33330 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom 33331 33332Sam: What's new, Normie? 33333Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. 33334 They're demanding beer. 33335 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter 33336 33337Coach: What'll it be, Normie? 33338Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel. 33339 -- Cheers, King of the Hill 33340% 33341[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.] 33342Norm: Afternoon, everybody! 33343All: Anton! 33344 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm 33345 33346Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 33347Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.'' 33348 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible 33349 33350Sam: What can I get you, Norm? 33351Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding. 33352 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers. 33353 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd 33354% 33355Normal times may possibly be over forever. 33356% 33357Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other 33358reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates, 33359although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed 33360their courses. 33361 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn" 33362% 33363Nostalgia is living life in the past lane. 33364% 33365Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be. 33366% 33367Not all men who drink are poets. 33368Some of us drink because we aren't poets. 33369% 33370Not all who own a harp are harpers. 33371 -- Marcus Terentius Varro 33372% 33373Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't 33374make you live longer -- it just seems that way. 33375% 33376Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to 33377the capitalist mode of production. 33378 -- Herbert Marcuse 33379% 33380Not every question deserves an answer. 33381% 33382Not everything worth doing is worth doing well. 33383% 33384Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the 33385Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats 33386in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the 33387moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, 33388a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every 33389respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside 33390it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, 33391then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they 33392chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine... 33393 -- Stanislaw Lem 33394% 33395Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is 33396ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree. 33397 -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University 33398 33399I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year. 33400 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis. 33401% 33402Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad. 33403 -- Rob Pike 33404% 33405Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a 33406serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can. 33407 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 33408% 33409Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand. 33410 -- Spinoza 33411% 33412NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. 33413All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes 33414all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these 33415features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system 33416abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark 33417attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis, 33418local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure, 33419invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction 33420surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive 33421electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated 33422chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices, 33423premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant 33424uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins, 33425and/or frogs falling from the sky. 33426% 33427Note to myself: use real bullets next time. 33428% 33429Notes for a ballet, "The Spell:" ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the 33430flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... 33431Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part 33432woman -- unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who 33433is careful not to make any poultry jokes... 33434 -- Woody Allen 33435% 33436Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of 33437wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is 33438astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- 33439unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful 33440not to make any poultry jokes. 33441 -- Woody Allen 33442% 33443Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. 33444 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 33445% 33446Nothing can be done in one trip. 33447 -- Snider 33448% 33449Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. 33450% 33451Nothing endures but change. 33452 -- Heraclitus 33453 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.] 33454% 33455Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a 33456proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it. 33457 -- John Keats 33458% 33459Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. 33460 -- Winston Churchill 33461 33462Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as 33463satisfying as an income tax refund. 33464 -- F.J. Raymond 33465% 33466Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. 33467% 33468Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses. 33469% 33470Nothing is as simple as it seems at first 33471 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle 33472 Or as finished as it seems in the end. 33473% 33474Nothing is but what is not. 33475% 33476Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example. 33477% 33478Nothing is faster than the speed of light. 33479 33480To prove this to yourself, try opening the 33481refrigerator door before the light comes on. 33482% 33483Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done. 33484% 33485Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. 33486 -- Andrew Young 33487% 33488Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 33489 -- A.H. Weiler 33490% 33491Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which 33492millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. 33493 -- Nero Wolfe 33494% 33495Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey. 33496% 33497Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature. 33498She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep. 33499 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 33500% 33501Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. 33502 -- Michel de Montaigne 33503% 33504Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity. 33505 -- Ebner-Eschenbach 33506% 33507Nothing lasts forever. 33508Where do I find nothing? 33509% 33510Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute. 33511% 33512Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. 33513Conscience makes egotists of us all. 33514 -- Oscar Wilde 33515% 33516Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. 33517 -- Arthur Balfour 33518% 33519Nothing motivates a man more than to 33520see his boss put in an honest day's work. 33521% 33522Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely 33523repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because 33524the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult 33525which can be offered to a personality. 33526 -- Soren Kierkegaard 33527% 33528Nothing recedes like success. 33529 -- Walter Winchell 33530% 33531Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at 33532which the hearer is permitted to laugh. 33533 -- Quentin Crisp 33534% 33535Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. 33536 -- Mark Twain 33537% 33538Nothing succeeds like excess. 33539 -- Oscar Wilde 33540% 33541Nothing succeeds like success. 33542 -- Alexandre Dumas 33543% 33544Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success. 33545 -- Christopher Lascl 33546% 33547Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. 33548 -- Charlie Brown 33549% 33550Nothing takes the taste out of peanut 33551butter quite like unrequited love. 33552 -- Charlie Brown 33553% 33554Nothing that's forced can ever be right, 33555If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. 33556That's what she said as she turned out the light, 33557And we bent our backs as slaves of the night, 33558Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars 33559She got from trying to fight 33560Saying, oh, you'd better believe it. 33561[...] 33562Well nothing that's real is ever for free 33563And you just have to pay for it sometime. 33564She said it before, she said it to me, 33565I suppose she believed there was nothing to see, 33566But the same old four imaginary walls 33567She'd built for livin' inside 33568I said oh, you just can't mean it. 33569[...] 33570Well nothing that's forced can ever be right, 33571If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. 33572That's what she said as she turned out the light, 33573And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right, 33574But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost 33575The veil that covered her eyes, 33576I said oh, you can leave it. 33577 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It" 33578% 33579Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee. 33580 -- Kim Hubbard 33581% 33582Nothing will ever be attempted 33583if all possible objections must be first overcome. 33584 -- Dr. Johnson 33585% 33586NOTICE: 33587 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will 33588 be summarily put out. 33589% 33590NOTICE: 33591 33592-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY -- 33593 33594(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.) 33595% 33596Nouvelle cuisine, n: 33597 French for "not enough food". 33598 33599Continental breakfast, n: 33600 English for "not enough food". 33601 33602Tapas, n: 33603 Spanish for "not enough food". 33604 33605Dim Sum, n: 33606 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life. 33607% 33608November: 33609 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 33610% 33611Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: 33612 33613 When comes the revolution, things will be different -- 33614 not better, just different. 33615% 33616Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. 33617% 33618Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; 33619Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure. 33620 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" 33621% 33622Now I lay me back to sleep. 33623The speaker's dull; the subject's deep. 33624If he should stop before I wake, 33625Give me a nudge for goodness' sake. 33626 -- Anonymous 33627% 33628Now I lay me down to sleep 33629I pray the double lock will keep; 33630May no brick through the window break, 33631And, no one rob me till I awake. 33632% 33633Now I lay me down to sleep, 33634I pray the Lord my soul to keep, 33635If I should die before I wake, 33636I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!" 33637% 33638Now I lay me down to study, 33639I pray the Lord I won't go nutty. 33640And if I fail to learn this junk, 33641I pray the Lord that I won't flunk. 33642But if I do, don't pity me at all, 33643Just lay my bones in the study hall. 33644Tell my teacher I've done my best, 33645Then pile my books upon my chest. 33646% 33647Now is the time for all good men to come to. 33648 -- Walt Kelly 33649% 33650Now is the time for drinking; 33651now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot. 33652 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 33653% 33654Now it's time to say goodbye 33655To all our company... 33656M-I-C (see you next week!) 33657K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!) 33658M-O-U-S-E. 33659% 33660Now of my threescore years and ten, 33661Twenty will not come again, 33662And take from seventy springs a score, 33663It leaves me only fifty more. 33664 33665And since to look at things in bloom 33666Fifty springs are little room, 33667About the woodlands I will go 33668To see the cherry hung with snow. 33669 -- A.E. Housman 33670% 33671Now that day wearies me, 33672My yearning desire 33673Will receive more kindly, 33674Like a tired child, the starry night. 33675 33676Hands, leave off your deeds, 33677Mind, forget all thoughts; 33678All of my forces 33679Yearn only to sink into sleep. 33680 33681And my soul, unguarded, 33682Would soar on widespread wings, 33683To live in night's magical sphere 33684More profoundly, more variously. 33685 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep" 33686% 33687Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time 33688some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug 33689her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee 33690cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions: 33691 336921: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food? 336932: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich 33694 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 336953: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed... 33696 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the 33697 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make 33698 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.) 33699 33700That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. 33701% 33702Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called 33703Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that 33704were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST... 33705% 33706Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide," 33707or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought." 33708 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ. 33709% 33710Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game: 33711you can win or you can lose or it can rain. 33712 -- Casey Stengel 33713% 33714Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it 33715over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall, 33716the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall 33717public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children 33718emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who 33719befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then 33720melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who, 33721because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other 33722reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity? 33723Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive 33724reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as 33725if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a 33726tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, 33727you should shop quickly. 33728 -- Dave Barry 33729% 33730Nowlan's Theory: 33731 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from 33732 the next freeway exit. 33733% 33734Now's the time to have some big ideas 33735Now's the time to make some firm decisions 33736We saw the Buddha in a bar down south 33737Talking politics and nuclear fission 33738We see him and he's all washed up -- 33739Moving on into the body of a beetle 33740Getting ready for a long long crawl 33741He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all... 33742 33743Death and Money make their point once more 33744In the shape of Philosophical assassins 33745Mark and Danny take the bus uptown 33746Deadly angels for reality and passion 33747Have the courage of the here and now 33748Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas 33749When you think you got it paid in full 33750You got nothing -- you got nothing at all... 33751 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. 33752 We know his name and he mustn't get away. 33753 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. 33754 It would take one shot -- to blow him away... 33755 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah" 33756% 33757Nuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years. 33758 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation, 33759 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York 33760 Times, June 10, 1955. 33761% 33762[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. 33763 -- Edwin Meese III 33764% 33765Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of 33766normal routines, for children and adults alike. 33767 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack" 33768% 33769Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. 33770% 33771Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus. 33772% 33773Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark. 33774% 33775(null cookie; hope that's ok) 33776% 33777Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. 33778 -- Seneca 33779% 33780Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. 33781% 33782Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid. 33783Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together. 33784Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating? 33785Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other. 33786% 33787Nusbaum's Rule: 33788 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the 33789 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the 33790 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted 33791 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.) 33792% 33793O! If I were a fish 33794I'd lay hap'ly on my dish. 33795Yes, that's my one and only wish -- 33796To be a fish! 33797 33798For fish don't ever mish; 33799They needn't flush after they pish! 33800Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish, 33801For all the fish!!! 33802% 33803O give me a home, 33804Where the buffalo roam, 33805Where the deer and the antelope play, 33806Where seldom is heard 33807A discouraging word, 33808'Cause what can an antelope say? 33809% 33810O imitators, you slavish herd! 33811 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 33812% 33813O, it is excellent 33814To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous 33815To use it like a giant. 33816 -- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2 33817% 33818O Lord, grant that we may always be right, 33819for Thou knowest we will never change our minds. 33820% 33821O love, could thou and I with fate conspire 33822To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire, 33823Might we not smash it to bits 33824And mould it closer to our hearts' desire? 33825 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. FitzGerald 33826% 33827Oatmeal raisin. 33828% 33829Objects are lost only because people 33830look where they are not rather than where they are. 33831% 33832O'Brian's Law: 33833 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. 33834% 33835O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the 33836thumb hidden and the four fingers extended. 33837 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?" 33838 "Four." 33839 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five -- 33840 then how many?" 33841 "Four." 33842 The word ended in a gasp of pain. 33843 -- George Orwell 33844% 33845Observe yon plumed biped fine. 33846To activate its captivation, 33847Deposit on its termination, 33848A quantity of particles saline. 33849% 33850Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal. 33851% 33852"Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred." 33853 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28, 33854 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view 33855 of the grandstands. 33856% 33857Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide. 33858% 33859OCCAM'S ERASER: 33860 The philosophical principle that even the simplest 33861 solution is bound to have something wrong with it. 33862% 33863OCCIDENT: 33864 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is 33865 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the 33866 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, 33867 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, 33868 are the principal industries of the Orient. 33869 -- Ambrose Bierce 33870% 33871OCEAN: 33872 A body of water occupying about two-thirds 33873 of a world made for man -- who has no gills. 33874% 33875Odets, where is thy sting? 33876 -- George S. Kaufman 33877% 33878Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. 33879% 33880Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: 33881to know so much and have control over nothing. 33882 -- Herodotus 33883% 33884Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. 33885 -- Plato 33886% 33887Of all the words of witch's doom 33888There's none so bad as which and whom. 33889The man who kills both which and whom 33890Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. 33891 -- Fletcher Knebel 33892% 33893Of all things man is the measure. 33894 -- Protagoras 33895% 33896Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between 33897husband and wife. 33898% 33899Of course it's possible to love a human being 33900if you don't know them too well. 33901 -- Charles Bukowski 33902% 33903Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power 33904tools aren't soluble in alcohol... 33905 -- Crazy Nigel 33906% 33907Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. 33908% 33909Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon. 33910After awhile you'd run out of air to push against. 33911% 33912Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose. 33913% 33914Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of 33915TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer. 33916% 33917Office Automation: 33918 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office 33919 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. 33920% 33921Official Project Stages: 33922 1. Uncritical Acceptance 33923 2. Wild Enthusiasm 33924 3. Dejected Disillusionment 33925 4. Total Confusion 33926 5. Search for the Guilty 33927 6. Punishment of the Innocent 33928 7. Promotion of the Non-participants 33929% 33930Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses 33931lampposts -- for support rather than illumination. 33932% 33933Often things ARE as bad as they seem! 33934% 33935Ogden's Law: 33936 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. 33937% 33938Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home! 33939% 33940Oh, by the way, which one's Pink? 33941 -- Pink Floyd 33942% 33943Oh don't the days seem lank and long 33944When all goes right and none goes wrong, 33945And isn't your life extremely flat 33946With nothing whatever to grumble at! 33947% 33948Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do? 33949They're burning our streets and beating me blue. 33950"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth: 33951Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes." 33952 33953Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove, 33954I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth. 33955"Now listen my son, although you're confused, 33956Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes." 33957 33958Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share. 33959What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare? 33960"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware. 33961Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair." 33962 33963Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care? 33964Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair? 33965"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair: 33966Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair." 33967% 33968Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me 33969As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee. 33970Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes, 33971And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, 33972Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon, 33973 see if I don't. 33974 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz 33975% 33976Oh, give me a home, 33977Where the buffalo roam, 33978And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen. 33979% 33980Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus 33981 Where the three-body problem is solved, 33982 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K, 33983 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus) 33984We eat algea pie, our vacuum is high, 33985 Our ball bearings are perfectly round. 33986 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed, 33987 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus) 33988If we run out of space for our burgeoning race 33989 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch 33990 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart, 33991 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus) 33992I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space, 33993 And living up here is a bore. 33994 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye 33995 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus) 33996 33997CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange, 33998 Where the space debris always collects, 33999 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams: 34000 Solar power and zero-gee sex. 34001 -- to Home on the Range 34002% 34003Oh give me your pity! 34004I'm on a committee, We attend and amend 34005Which means that from morning And contend and defend 34006 to night, Without a conclusion in sight. 34007 34008We confer and concur, 34009We defer and demur, We revise the agenda 34010And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda 34011 And consider a load of reports. 34012 34013We compose and propose, 34014We suppose and oppose, But though various notions 34015And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions, 34016 There's terribly little gets done. 34017 34018We resolve and absolve; 34019But we never dissolve, 34020Since it's out of the question for us 34021To bring our committee 34022To end like this ditty, 34023Which stops with a period, thus. 34024 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee" 34025% 34026"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the 34027dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time 34028and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but, 34029you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the 34030ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he 34031wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning 34032last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and 34033buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them. 34034He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth 34035and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for 34036their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for 34037another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa 34038said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't 34039know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog." 34040 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning" 34041% 34042Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 34043 I muck with indices and structs all day 34044And when it works, I shout hoo-ray 34045 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 34046% 34047Oh, I am just a typical American boy 34048From a typical American town. 34049I believe in God and Senator Dodd 34050And keeping old Castro down. 34051And when it came my time to serve 34052I knew better dead than red, 34053But when I got to my old draft board, 34054Buddy this is what I said: 34055 34056Sarge I'm only 18, I got a ruptured spleen 34057And I always carry a purse; 34058I got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat 34059And my asthma's getting worse. 34060Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear 34061And my poor old invalid aunt; 34062Besides I ain't no fool I'm going to school 34063And I'm working in a defense plant. 34064 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag" 34065% 34066Oh, I could while away the hours, 34067Smoking herbs and flowers, 34068Shooting up my veins, 34069 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum 34070Tell you, I've been a-thinkin' 34071I could drive a shiny Lincoln, 34072If I dealt in good cocaine. 34073 -- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz" 34074% 34075Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd 34076be irresponsible, too. 34077 -- Lichty & Wagner 34078% 34079Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, 34080And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; 34081Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth 34082Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things 34083You have not dreamed of -- 34084Wheeled and soared and swung 34085High in the sunlit silence. 34086Hovering there 34087I've chased the shouting wind along and flung 34088My eager craft through footless halls of air. 34089Up, up along delirious, burning blue 34090I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, 34091Where never lark, or even eagle flew; 34092And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod 34093The high untrespassed sanctity of space, 34094Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. 34095 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" 34096% 34097Oh I'm just a typical American boy 34098From a typical American town. 34099I believe in God and Senator Dodd 34100And keeping old Castro down. 34101And when it came my time to serve 34102I knew "Better Dead Than Red", 34103But when I got to my old draft board, 34104Buddy, this is what I said: 34105 34106Chorus: 34107 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen, 34108 And I always carry a purse! 34109 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat, 34110 And my asthma's getting worse! 34111 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear, 34112 And my poor old invalid aunt! 34113 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school 34114 And I'm a-working in a defense plant! 34115 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag" 34116% 34117Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD? 34118My friends all got sources, so why can't I see? 34119Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me: 34120To hell with the lawyers from AT&T! 34121% 34122Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one 34123arch-enemy -- and that is life. 34124 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele" 34125% 34126Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts -- 34127it's what you do with what you have left. 34128 -- Hubert H. Humphrey 34129% 34130Oh, so there you are! 34131% 34132Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea. 34133He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me. 34134No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee. 34135He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! 34136 -- The Smothers Brothers 34137% 34138Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is. 34139 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 34140% 34141Oh wearisome condition of humanity! 34142Born under one law, to another bound. 34143 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke 34144% 34145Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. 34146% 34147Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. 34148 -- Shakespeare 34149% 34150Oh, when I was in love with you, 34151 Then I was clean and brave, 34152And miles around the wonder grew 34153 How well did I behave. 34154 34155And now the fancy passes by, 34156 And nothing will remain, 34157And miles around they'll say that I 34158 Am quite myself again. 34159 -- A.E. Housman 34160% 34161Oh, wow! Look at the moon! 34162% 34163Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or 34164you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray 34165J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or 34166you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'... 34167% 34168Oh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean. 34169% 34170Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone. 34171 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane" 34172% 34173O.K., fine. 34174% 34175Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked 34176just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the 34177executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in 34178the code over again, since I also removed the source. 34179% 34180Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill. 34181% 34182Old age is always fifteen years old than I am. 34183 -- B. Baruch 34184% 34185Old age is the harbor of all ills. 34186 -- Bion 34187% 34188Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. 34189 -- Trotsky 34190% 34191Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity. 34192% 34193Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on. 34194% 34195Old Japanese proverb: 34196 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji, 34197and those who climb it twice. 34198% 34199Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. 34200% 34201Old mail has arrived. 34202% 34203Old men are fond of giving good advice to console 34204themselves for their inability to set a bad example. 34205 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 34206% 34207Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard 34208To fetch her poor daughter a dress. 34209When she got there, the cupboard was bare 34210And so was her daughter, I guess... 34211% 34212Old musicians never die, they just decompose. 34213% 34214Old programmers never die, they just become managers. 34215% 34216Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address. 34217% 34218Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit. 34219% 34220Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. 34221% 34222Old timer, n: 34223 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization. 34224% 34225Oliver's Law: 34226 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 34227% 34228omnibiblious, adj.: 34229 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. 34230 I'm omnibiblious." 34231% 34232On a clear day, U.C.L.A. 34233% 34234On a clear disk you can seek forever. 34235 -- P. Denning 34236% 34237On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: 34238 34239"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." 34240 -- Wolfgang Pauli 34241% 34242On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on 34243a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir. 34244 34245[One is always a little afraid of love, but 34246above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.] 34247% 34248On ability: 34249 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top; 34250 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well. 34251 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD 34252% 34253On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 34254nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 34255what it does. 34256 -- Will Rogers 34257% 34258On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 34259nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 34260what it does. 34261 -- The Best of Will Rogers 34262% 34263On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one 34264car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of 34265the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris. 34266 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let 34267you come any closer." 34268 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man 34269explained. 34270 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a 34271decapitation." 34272 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and 34273pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?" 34274 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much 34275taller." 34276% 34277On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the 34278proposition that all men are created jerks. 34279 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 34280% 34281On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the 34282same moment -- halftime. 34283% 34284On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN. 34285% 34286On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little 34287girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and 34288Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh, 34289and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood." 34290% 34291On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT. 34292% 34293On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without 34294a purpose, but never without a POINT. 34295% 34296On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. 34297 -- W.C. Fields' epitaph 34298% 34299On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr. 34300Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers 34301come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of 34302ideas that could provoke such a question. 34303 -- Charles Babbage 34304% 34305Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, 34306and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. 34307 -- W.C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" 34308% 34309Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. 34310 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 34311% 34312Once, adv.: Enough. 34313% 34314Once again dread deed is done. 34315Canon sleeps, 34316his all-knowing eye shaded 34317to human chance and circumstance. 34318Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley, 34319but Canon's sleep is troubled. 34320 34321Beware, scant days past the Ides of July. 34322Impatient hands wait eagerly 34323to grasp, to hold 34324scant moments of time 34325wrested from life in the full 34326glory of Canon's power; 34327held captive by his unblinking eye. 34328 34329Three golden orbs stand watch; 34330one each to toll the day, hour, minute 34331until predestiny decrees his reawakening. 34332When that feared moment arives, 34333"Ask not for whom the bell tolls, 34334It tolls for thee." 34335 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine 34336 Valley Pawn Shop today" 34337% 34338Once Again From the Top 34339 34340Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously 34341reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman 34342in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and 34343lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular 34344homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that 34345he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on 34346George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published 34347inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the 34348lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with 34349vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson. 34350The Herald regrets the errors." 34351 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987 34352% 34353Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each 34354of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. 34355 In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians 34356called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and 34357went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing 34358each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" 34359or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" 34360... 34361 Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you 34362with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers 34363have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and 34364they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your 34365children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; 34366that ought to shut them up. 34367 -- Dave Barry 34368% 34369Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, 34370that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli 34371replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your 34372mistress". 34373% 34374Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. 34375 -- Homer 34376% 34377Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his 34378roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the 34379forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind 34380the railroad yards." 34381 -- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, 34382 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution 34383 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925. 34384% 34385Once I finally figured out all of life's 34386answers, they changed the questions. 34387% 34388Once, I read that a man be never stronger 34389than when he truly realizes how weak he is. 34390 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31" 34391% 34392Once is happenstance, 34393Twice is coincidence, 34394Three times is enemy action. 34395 -- Auric Goldfinger 34396% 34397Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to 34398sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer. 34399% 34400Once Law was sitting on the bench 34401 And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 34402"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! 34403 Nor come before me creeping. 34404Upon you knees if you appear, 34405'Tis plain you have no standing here." 34406 34407Then Justice came. His Honor cried: 34408 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" 34409"Amica curiae," she replied -- 34410 "Friend of the court, so please you." 34411"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- 34412I never saw your face before!" 34413% 34414Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings 34415infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can 34416grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it 34417possible for each to see each other whole against the sky. 34418 -- Rainer Rilke 34419% 34420Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in. 34421 -- H.R. Haldeman 34422% 34423Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail, 34424And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail, 34425And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool, 34426He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!) 34427And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat, 34428He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat, 34429And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout! 34430 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out! 34431And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog, 34432And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god, 34433The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed, 34434But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed! 34435Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace, 34436And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste, 34437But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt", 34438 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out! 34439When the day is done and the moon comes out, 34440And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count, 34441When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey, 34442And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay, 34443You must mind the file protections and not snoop around, 34444 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down! 34445% 34446Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during 34447a portion of Beethovan's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin 34448parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So, 34449to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the 34450end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the 34451page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more 34452inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he 34453was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth; 34454the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out. 34455% 34456Once upon a time there... 34457% 34458Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants 34459were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was 34460to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If 34461the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would 34462just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family 34463of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful 34464sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable 34465possession. And the moral of the story is: 34466 34467The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that 34468hit you. 34469% 34470Once upon this midnight incoherent, 34471While you pondered sentient and crystalline, 34472Over many a broken and subordinate 34473Volume of gnarly lore, 34474While I pestered, nearly singing, 34475Sudddenly there came a hewing, 34476As of someone profusely skulking, 34477Skulking at my chamber door. 34478% 34479Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. 34480% 34481Once you've tried to change the world you find 34482it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind. 34483% 34484"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket". 34485% 34486One Bell System - it sometimes works. 34487% 34488One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension! 34489% 34490One Bell System - it works. 34491% 34492One big pile is better than two little piles. 34493 -- Arlo Guthrie 34494% 34495One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar. 34496 -- Helen Keller 34497% 34498One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the 34499mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God. 34500 -- J. Gustav White 34501% 34502One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing 34503how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. 34504% 34505One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. 34506% 34507One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast 34508to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, 34509a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also 34510just stupid. 34511 -- J.D. Watson, "The Double Helix" 34512% 34513One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his 34514attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke. 34515 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For 34516releasing me I will grant you three wishes." 34517 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan 34518resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish 34519border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home." 34520 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?" 34521 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the 34522Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade, 34523and march back home." 34524 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?" 34525 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---" 34526 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march 34527to Poland three times and never invade?" 34528 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times." 34529% 34530One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were 34531flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane 34532developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three 34533parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of 34534the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers 34535revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then 34536Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the 34537world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if 34538you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that 34539there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope 34540looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive 34541life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's 34542very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan 34543just jumped out with my knapsack." 34544% 34545One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the 34546truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced, 34547"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question 34548which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the 34549guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative 34550is death by hanging." 34551 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows." 34552 "I don't believe you." 34553 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!" 34554 "But that would make it the truth!" 34555 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." 34556% 34557One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and 34558decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a 34559mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some 34560way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could 34561make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks 34562this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself. 34563 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any 34564success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes, 34565actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but 34566there a number of details to be figured out. 34567 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house, 34568looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have 34569some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right 34570track." 34571 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by 34572pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his 34573eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing 34574the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from 34575behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO 34576IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!! 34577And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple 34578harmonic motion..." 34579% 34580One day, 34581A mad meta-poet, 34582With nothing to say, 34583Wrote a mad meta-poem 34584That started: "One day, 34585A mad meta-poet, 34586With nothing to say, 34587Wrote a mad meta-poem 34588That started: "One day, 34589[...] 34590sort of close". 34591Were the words that the poet, 34592Finally chose, 34593To bring his mad poem, 34594To some sort of close". 34595Were the words that the poet, 34596Finally chose, 34597To bring his mad poem, 34598To some sort of close". 34599% 34600One difference between a man and a machine 34601is that a machine is quiet when well oiled. 34602% 34603One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. 34604 -- Larry Gelbart 34605% 34606One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick 34607Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car 34608conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the 34609merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see 34610his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar. 34611 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her 34612full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has 34613been havin' all these years." 34614 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary 34615Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is 34616totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the 34617drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and 34618passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact 34619with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty. 34620 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her 34621head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these 34622years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself." 34623% 34624One expresses well the love he does not feel. 34625 -- J.A. Karr 34626% 34627One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it. 34628% 34629One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters. 34630 -- George Herbert 34631% 34632One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. 34633Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, 34634a rivalry of aim. 34635 -- Henry Brook Adams 34636% 34637One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus. 34638 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon" 34639% 34640One good reason why computers can do more work than 34641people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone. 34642% 34643One good suit is worth a thousand resumes. 34644% 34645One good thing about music, 34646Well, it helps you feel no pain. 34647So hit me with music; 34648Hit me with music now. 34649 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock" 34650% 34651One good turn asketh another. 34652 -- John Heywood 34653% 34654One good turn deserves another. 34655 -- Gaius Petronius 34656% 34657One good turn usually gets most of the blanket. 34658% 34659One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines 34660and end up with the atomic bomb. 34661 -- Marcel Pagnol 34662% 34663One hundred women are not worth a single testicle. 34664 -- Confucius 34665% 34666One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. 34667 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) 34668% 34669One is often kept in the right road by a rut. 34670 -- Gustave Droz 34671% 34672ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in 34673ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES. 34674% 34675One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. 34676% 34677One man's constant is another man's variable. 34678 -- A.J. Perlis 34679% 34680One man's folly is another man's wife. 34681 -- Helen Rowland 34682% 34683One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. 34684"Supernatural" is a null word. 34685% 34686One man's Mede is another man's Persian. 34687 -- George M. Cohan 34688% 34689One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. 34690% 34691One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends 34692can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention. 34693 -- Clifton Fadiman 34694% 34695One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it. 34696% 34697One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens 34698without laughing. 34699 -- Oscar Wilde 34700% 34701One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 34702% 34703One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day. 34704% 34705One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from 34706one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 34707percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, 34708simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good, 34709nobody can touch him. 34710 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983 34711% 34712One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an 34713advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from 34714mathematics. 34715 -- N. Wiener 34716% 34717One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old 34718enough to give you presents they make at school. 34719 -- Robert Byrne 34720% 34721One of the large consolations for experiencing anything 34722unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it. 34723 -- Joyce Carol Oates 34724% 34725One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to 34726do and always a clever thing to say. 34727 -- Will Durant 34728% 34729One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with 34730Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just 34731to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't 34732be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending 34733to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't 34734understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was 34735reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the 34736time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be 34737puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be 34738genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about. 34739 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 34740% 34741One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do 34742foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little. 34743 -- Joe Martin 34744% 34745One of the most striking differences between a 34746cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. 34747 -- Mark Twain 34748% 34749One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they 34750need no answer. 34751 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron 34752% 34753One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your 34754seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best 34755way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted 34756in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and 34757imagine they were in Topeka Kansas. 34758% 34759One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he 34760once had a publisher shot. 34761 -- Siegfried Unseld 34762% 34763One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself. 34764% 34765One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a 34766thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with 34767the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing 34768hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and 34769laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can." 34770 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might 34771happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die. 34772And perhaps the horse will learn to sing. 34773 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle 34774% 34775One organism, one vote. 34776% 34777One person's error is another person's data. 34778% 34779One picture is worth 128K words. 34780% 34781One picture is worth more than ten thousand words. 34782 -- Chinese proverb 34783% 34784One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits 34785And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall. 34786And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar 34787Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call. 34788Go ask Alice Call Alice 34789When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small. 34790 34791When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion 34792Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead, 34793And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking 34794 mushroom backwards 34795And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head 34796Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said: 34797I think she'll know. Feed your head. 34798 Feed your head. 34799 Feed your head. 34800 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit" 34801% 34802One planet is all you get. 34803% 34804One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan 34805is that there never was a plan in the first place. 34806% 34807One possible reason why things aren't going 34808according to plan is that there never was a plan. 34809% 34810One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could 34811manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be 34812installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's say your 34813congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how 34814the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet. Just when 34815he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would 34816inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the 34817plane door. It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman 34818proposed a law. ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be 34819designated as Cuticle Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") 34820This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public 34821would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem 34822is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 34823members of congress. 34824% 34825One reason why George Washington 34826Is held in such veneration: 34827He never blamed his problems 34828On the former Administration. 34829 -- George O. Ludcke 34830% 34831One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there 34832should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles 34833to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some 34834virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded 34835and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously 34836many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that 34837people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach 34838is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes. 34839 -- Ronald Reagan 34840% 34841One seldom sees a monument to a committee. 34842% 34843One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. 34844 -- Oscar Wilde 34845% 34846ONE SIZE FITS ALL: 34847 Doesn't fit anyone. 34848% 34849One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind. 34850% 34851One thing about the past. 34852It's likely to last. 34853 -- Ogden Nash 34854% 34855ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take 34856my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out 34857warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and 34858cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. 34859 34860I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty 34861late. 34862 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 34863% 34864One thing the inventors can't seem to 34865get the bugs out of is fresh paint. 34866% 34867One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that 34868sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer 34869terror. 34870 -- W.K. Hartmann 34871% 34872One thought driven home is better than three left on base. 34873% 34874One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the 34875speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't 34876going to be out that long." 34877 -- Steven Wright 34878% 34879One toke over the line, sweet Mary, 34880One toke over the line, 34881Sittin' downtown in a railway station, 34882One toke over the line. 34883Waitin' for the train that goes home, 34884Hopin' that the train is on time, 34885Sittin' downtown in a railway station, 34886One toke over the line. 34887% 34888One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him. 34889% 34890One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at 34891the stake while the votes were being counted. 34892 -- Thomas B. Reed 34893% 34894One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so, 34895because they bite. 34896 -- Vladimir Lenin 34897% 34898One-Shot Case Study, n: 34899 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which 34900it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green. 34901% 34902On-line: 34903 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer. 34904% 34905Only a fool has no doubts. 34906% 34907Only a mediocre person is always at his best. 34908 -- Laurence Peter 34909% 34910Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. 34911% 34912Only fools are quoted. 34913 -- Anonymous 34914% 34915Only God can make random selections. 34916% 34917Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. 34918 -- Oscar Wilde 34919 34920Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style. 34921 -- The Unnamed Usenetter 34922% 34923Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four 34924essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. 34925 -- Alex Levine 34926 34927[Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are 34928hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.] 34929% 34930Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right 34931to use the editorial "we". 34932% 34933Only someone with nothing to be sorry for 34934smiles back at the rear of an elephant. 34935% 34936Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying. 34937 -- Baba Ram Dass 34938% 34939Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by 34940placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer," 34941and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn 34942food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours 34943unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS 34944and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a 34945modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power 34946that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail, 34947postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of 34948the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts. 34949May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply. 34950 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83 34951% 34952Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core. 34953 -- Hannah Arendt 34954% 34955Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are 34956busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely. 34957 -- Lao Tsu 34958% 34959Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women. 34960% 34961Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where 34962a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything 34963or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who 34964happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their 34965windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing 34966peacefully on his balcony a few yards away. 34967 -- Sicilian police officer 34968% 34969Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one 34970of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him. 34971% 34972Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer. 34973% 34974Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. 34975% 34976Onward through the fog. 34977% 34978Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am. 34979% 34980Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes. 34981 -- Debbie VanDam 34982% 34983Opium is very cheap considering you don't 34984feel like eating for the next six days. 34985 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite 34986% 34987Oppernockity tunes but once. 34988% 34989Opportunities are usually disguised as hard 34990work, so most people don't recognize them. 34991% 34992Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the wierdest people to 34993talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority, 34994crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love 34995them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey." 34996% 34997Optimism is the content of small men in high places. 34998 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up" 34999% 35000Optimism, n: 35001The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad, 35002and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by 35003those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded 35004with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible 35005to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment 35006but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious. 35007% 35008OPTIMIST: 35009 A proponent of the belief that black is white. 35010 35011 A pessimist asked God for relief. 35012 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. 35013 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that 35014would justify them." 35015 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked 35016something -- the mortality of the optimist." 35017 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 35018% 35019OPTIMIST: 35020 Someone who goes down to the marriage 35021 bureau to see if his license has expired. 35022% 35023optimist, n: 35024 A bagpiper with a beeper. 35025% 35026Optimization hinders evolution. 35027% 35028Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. 35029I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but 35030we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. 35031 -- J. Wellington Wells 35032% 35033Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail. 35034 -- Germaine Greer 35035% 35036Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup). 35037% 35038Order and simplification are the first steps toward 35039mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown. 35040 -- Thomas Mann 35041% 35042OREGON: 35043 Eighty billion gallons of water with 35044 no place to go on Saturday night. 35045% 35046O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: 35047Cleanliness is next to impossible 35048% 35049Oreo 35050% 35051Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. 35052Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. 35053 -- Mike Adams 35054% 35055Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born 35056to people you could not have possibly met. 35057 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 35058% 35059Osborn's Law: 35060 Variables won't; constants aren't. 35061% 35062Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? 35063% 35064Other women cloy 35065The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry 35066Where most she satisfies. 35067 -- Antony and Cleopatra 35068% 35069Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently. 35070% 35071Others will look to you for stability, 35072so hide when you bite your nails. 35073% 35074O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: 35075 Murphy was an optimist. 35076% 35077Ouch! That felt good! 35078 -- Karen Gordon 35079% 35080"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big 35081system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'" 35082 35083"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make 35084any difference if it takes a while to fix it." 35085 -- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988 35086% 35087Our business in life is not to succeed 35088but to continue to fail in high spirits. 35089 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 35090% 35091Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the 35092local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substational cash 35093award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning. 35094His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year 35095by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own, 35096home-made, hand-held model. 35097 35098Not suprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit 35099to the Pentagon free of charge: 35100 35101 a. Don't kill anybody. 35102 b. Don't build things that do. 35103 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody. 35104 35105We expect annual savings to be in the billions. 35106 -- Sojourners 35107% 35108Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, 35109but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them. 35110% 35111Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office. 35112He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both 35113holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only 35114*he* had a lollipop. 35115 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" 35116 Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's 35117what it means to be a programmer." 35118% 35119Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a 35120continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national 35121emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we 35122did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded. 35123Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never 35124to have been quite real. 35125 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 35126% 35127Our houseplants have a good sense of humous. 35128% 35129Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide. 35130 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte 35131% 35132Our little systems have their day; 35133They have their day and cease to be; 35134They are but broken lights of thee. 35135 -- Tennyson 35136% 35137Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. 35138Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, 35139In kernel as it is in user. 35140% 35141Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us 35142to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the 35143rain, we were punished. 35144 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic 35145% 35146Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. 35147 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries 35148% 35149Our problems are so serious that the best 35150way to talk about them is lightheartedly. 35151% 35152Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'. 35153We their sons are more worthless than they: 35154so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt. 35155 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 35156% 35157Our swords shall play the orators for us. 35158 -- Christopher Marlowe 35159% 35160Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, 35161In all of the directions it can whiz; 35162As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, 35163Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. 35164So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, 35165How amazingly unlikely is your birth; 35166And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, 35167'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! 35168 -- Monty Python 35169% 35170Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. 35171 -- General Omar N. Bradley 35172% 35173Ours is a world where people don't know what they 35174want and are willing to go through hell to get it. 35175% 35176Out of sight is out of mind. 35177 -- Arthur Clough 35178% 35179Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made. 35180 -- Immanuel Kant 35181% 35182Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal. 35183% 35184Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too 35185dark to read. 35186% 35187Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too 35188dark to read. 35189 -- Groucho Marx 35190% 35191Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too 35192dark to read. 35193 -- Groucho Marx 35194% 35195Over the shoulder supervision is more a 35196need of the manager than the programming task. 35197% 35198Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two 35199complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through 35200rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining 35201errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this 35202design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the 35203result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the 35204problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the 35205system. 35206 -- A.L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage 35207 Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and 35208 Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4. 35209% 35210Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will 35211continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually 35212powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the 35213victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking 35214move?' 35215 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course" 35216% 35217Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! 35218% 35219Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. 35220% 35221Overheard: 35222 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!" 35223% 35224Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. 35225% 35226Owe no man any thing... 35227 -- Romans 13:8 35228% 35229Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in 35230concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the 35231oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very 35232much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher 35233concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it 35234takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason 35235for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of 35236oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex 35237process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is 35238always fatal. 35239 35240However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the 35241fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is 35242sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any 35243considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with 35244symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning. 35245 35246Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in 35247the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be 35248due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings 35249in question. 35250 35251Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and 35252tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is 35253too late. 35254 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956 35255% 35256Ozman's Laws: 35257 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. 35258 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. 35259 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 35260 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. 35261% 35262paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a 35263 a vehicle) for a time in a certain location. 35264patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant. 35265Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year. 35266shua, n: Having no doubt; certain. 35267sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker. 35268tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads 35269 or as a vegetable. 35270troopa, n: A state policeman. 35271Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts. 35272yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building. 35273 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 35274% 35275PAIN: 35276 Falling out of a twenty story building, 35277 and snagging your eyelid on a nail. 35278% 35279PAIN: 35280 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive! 35281% 35282PAIN: 35283 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol. 35284% 35285Pain is just God's way of hurting you. 35286% 35287Pandora's Rule: 35288 Never open a box you didn't close. 35289% 35290panic: can't find / 35291% 35292panic: kernal segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding) 35293% 35294Paprika Measure: 35295 35296 2 dashes == 1smidgen 35297 2 smidgens == 1 pinch 35298 3 pinches == 1 soupcon 35299 2 soupcons == too much paprika 35300% 35301Paralysis through analysis. 35302% 35303PARANOIA: 35304 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works. 35305% 35306Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you. 35307% 35308Paranoia is heightened awareness. 35309% 35310Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. 35311% 35312Paranoid Club meeting this Friday. 35313Now ... just try to find out where! 35314% 35315Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy 35316to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. 35317 -- D.J. Hicks 35318% 35319Pardon me while I laugh. 35320% 35321Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they 35322didn't have much of anything to do with it. 35323% 35324Parkinson's Fifth Law: 35325 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good 35326 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 35327% 35328Parkinson's Fourth Law: 35329 The number of people in any working group tends to increase 35330 regardless of the amount of work to be done. 35331% 35332Parsley is gharsley. 35333 -- Ogden Nash 35334% 35335Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. 35336% 35337PARTY: 35338 A gathering where you meet people who drink 35339 so much you can't even remember their names. 35340% 35341Pascal: 35342 A programming language named after a man who would turn over 35343 in his grave if he knew about it. 35344 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984 35345% 35346Pascal: 35347 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his 35348 grave if he knew about it. 35349% 35350Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty. 35351 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan 35352% 35353Pascal is not a high-level language. 35354 -- Steven Feiner 35355% 35356Pascal Users: 35357 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. 35358 Please modify your programs accordingly. 35359% 35360Pascal Users: 35361 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the 35362 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. 35363% 35364Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. 35365 -- Eric Hoffer 35366% 35367Password: 35368% 35369Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity. 35370% 35371Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being 35372 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises... 35373 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't 35374 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most 35375 CREEPING things... 35376Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars? 35377P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone 35378 can get in. 35379A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff! 35380P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED 35381 CATERPILLARS! 35382[...] 35383P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat 35384 a LITTLE SQUIRREL? 35385A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day. 35386P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya? 35387A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the 35388 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry. 35389P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick! 35390A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh) 35391 par for the course, Charlie. 35392 -- Firesign Theatre 35393% 35394Patch griefs with proverbs. 35395 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" 35396% 35397patent: 35398 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them. 35399% 35400"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic." 35401(crosses stream) 35402"As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side." 35403 -- Eyeore 35404% 35405Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue. 35406 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers 35407% 35408Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. 35409 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 35410% 35411Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. 35412 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell 35413 35414In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last 35415resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but 35416inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 35417 -- Ambrose Bierce 35418 35419When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel, 35420he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform. 35421 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling 35422 35423Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel. 35424 -- Boies Penrose 35425% 35426Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. 35427 -- Oscar Wilde 35428% 35429Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.) 35430 -- Gauss 35431% 35432Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. 35433% 35434Paulg's Law: 35435 In America, it's not how much an 35436 item costs, it's how much you save. 35437% 35438Paul's Law: 35439 You can't fall off the floor. 35440% 35441Pause for storage relocation. 35442% 35443paycheck: 35444 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal 35445 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA, 35446 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance, 35447 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions. 35448% 35449Payeen to a Twang 35450Derrida 35451Ore-Ida 35452potato. 35453 35454If you dared, 35455I'd ask you 35456to go dig 35457up your ides under brown- 35458tubered skies. 35459 35460where pitchforked 35461you will ask 35462Derrida? 35463% 35464Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it. 35465% 35466Peace cannot be kept by force; it 35467can only be achieved by understanding. 35468 -- A. Einstein 35469% 35470Peace is much more precious than a piece 35471of land... let there be no more wars. 35472 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981 35473% 35474Peace, n: 35475 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two 35476 periods of fighting. 35477 -- Ambrose Bierce 35478% 35479Peanut Blossoms 35480 354814 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 354824 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 354834 cups shortening 14 cups flour 354848 eggs 4 tsp. soda 354854 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt 35486 35487Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased 35488cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top 35489each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly 35490to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot. 35491% 35492Pecor's Health-Food Principle: 35493 Never eat rutabaga on any day of 35494 the week that has a "y" in it. 35495% 35496pediddel: 35497 A car with only one working headlight. 35498 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 35499% 35500Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984 35501when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second 35502baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were 35503diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero, 35504at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager 35505Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous 35506motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third 35507base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball. 35508What is it?" 35509 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I 35510hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even 35511Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball 35512to Sax.'" 35513 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 35514% 35515Peeping Tom: 35516 A window fan. 35517% 35518Peers's Law: 35519The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. 35520% 35521Pelorat sighed. 35522 "I will never understand people." 35523 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look 35524at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have 35525worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was -- 35526if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people 35527weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand 35528people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself 35529-- no offense intended." 35530 -- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge" 35531% 35532Penguin Trivia #46: 35533 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. 35534% 35535PENGUINICITY!! 35536% 35537pension: 35538 A federally insured chain letter. 35539% 35540People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of 35541attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to 35542suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the 35543case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their 35544only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable 35545tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush. 35546 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 35547% 35548People are always available for work in the past tense. 35549% 35550People are beginning to notice you. 35551Try dressing before you leave the house. 35552% 35553People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry. 35554% 35555People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects. 35556% 35557People don't change; they only become more so. 35558% 35559People don't make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times, 35560four times... 35561% 35562People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three 35563times, four time, five times... 35564% 35565People in general do not willingly read 35566if they have anything else to amuse them. 35567 -- S. Johnson 35568% 35569People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible. 35570 -- The Best of Will Rogers 35571% 35572People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an 35573election. 35574 -- Otto Von Bismarck 35575% 35576People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction 35577rather than surrender any material part of their advantage. 35578 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 35579% 35580People often find it easier to be a 35581result of the past than a cause of the future. 35582% 35583People respond to people who respond. 35584% 35585People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they 35586*know* me there! 35587 -- D.L. Roth 35588% 35589People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people 35590have been left out on the pleasure. 35591 -- Russell Baker 35592% 35593People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here," 35594absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the 35595public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in 35596the concentration camps. 35597% 35598People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. 35599% 35600People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something 35601to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for 35602it too. 35603% 35604People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. 35605 -- Ken Kesey 35606% 35607People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed. 35608% 35609People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get 35610much better press than people who are just funny and smart. 35611 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" 35612% 35613People who claim they don't let little things bother 35614them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito. 35615% 35616People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes. 35617 -- Abigail Van Buren 35618% 35619People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 35620% 35621People who have no faults are terrible; 35622there is no way of taking advantage of them. 35623% 35624People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't 35625what they want that they don't want it. 35626 -- Ogden Nash 35627% 35628People who have what they want are very fond of telling 35629people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. 35630 -- Ogden Nash 35631% 35632People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything. 35633% 35634People who push both buttons should get their wish. 35635% 35636People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle. 35637% 35638People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have 35639cold baths. 35640% 35641People who think they know everything 35642greatly annoy those of us who do. 35643% 35644People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin 35645Franklin said it first. 35646% 35647People will accept your ideas much more readily if 35648you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. 35649% 35650People will buy anything that's one to a customer. 35651% 35652People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. 35653% 35654People's Action Rules: 35655 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't. 35656 (2) Some people who should, won't. 35657 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will. 35658 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless. 35659 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others. 35660% 35661Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer. 35662 -- R.W. Hamming 35663% 35664Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. 35665[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] 35666or 35667[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.] 35668 -- Aelius Donatus 35669% 35670Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. 35671% 35672perfect guest: 35673 One who makes his host feel at home. 35674% 35675Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer 35676anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. 35677 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 35678% 35679Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything 35680to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away. 35681 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 35682% 35683Performance: 35684 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or 35685 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored 35686 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago. 35687% 35688Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. 35689I myself would say that it had merely been detected. 35690 -- Oscar Wilde 35691% 35692Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy 35693poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind. 35694 -- Thomas Macaulay 35695% 35696Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway. 35697% 35698Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would 35699behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in 35700order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's 35701fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.) 35702% 35703Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom. The first is 35704being a bore. 35705 -- Cecil Beaton 35706% 35707Perilous to all of us are the devices of 35708an art deeper than we ourselves possess. 35709 -- Gandalf the Grey 35710% 35711Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be 35712upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be 35713nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable 35714news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does 35715the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been 35716prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a 35717periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the 35718negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a 35719periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible 35720on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis, 35721case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack, 35722nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a 35723proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of 35724civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are 35725by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost 35726indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news 35727instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory 35728developments." 35729 -- Fowler's English Usage 35730% 35731Persistence in one opinion has never been considered 35732a merit in political leaders. 35733 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC 35734% 35735Personifiers of the world, unite! 35736You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 35737 -- Bernadette Bosky 35738% 35739Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 35740% 35741Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; 35742persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting 35743to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author 35744 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer" 35745% 35746pessimist: 35747 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the 35748 wolf from the door. 35749 35750optimist: 35751 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of 35752 his pants. 35753 35754opportunist: 35755 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat. 35756% 35757Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad. 35758Waiter: Who told you? 35759Pete: A little swallow. 35760% 35761Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch. 35762% 35763Peter's Law of Substitution: 35764 Look after the molehills, and the 35765 mountains will look after themselves. 35766 35767Peter's Principle of Success: 35768 Get up one time more than you're knocked down. 35769 35770Peter's Principle: 35771 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of 35772 his incompetence. 35773% 35774Peterson's Admonition: 35775 When you think you're going down for the third time -- 35776 just remember that you may have counted wrong. 35777% 35778Peterson's Rules: 35779 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways 35780 are filled with something sticky. 35781 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one. 35782 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks. 35783 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing. 35784% 35785petribar: 35786 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in 35787 the window of a vending machine too long. 35788 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 35789% 35790Phasers locked on target, Captain. 35791% 35792Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so 35793because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy. 35794% 35795Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. 35796% 35797philosophy: 35798 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends. 35799% 35800philosophy: 35801 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. 35802% 35803Phone call for chucky-pooh. 35804% 35805phosflink: 35806 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that 35807 will bring it back to life). 35808 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 35809% 35810Photographing a volcano is just about 35811the most miserable thing you can do. 35812 -- Robert B. Goodman 35813 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.] 35814% 35815Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the 35816farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than 35817chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock. 35818 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married" 35819% 35820Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream, 35821I wonder how the old folks are tonight, 35822Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face, 35823She left me not knowing what to do. 35824 35825Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you, 35826Carefree Highway, you seen better days, 35827The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes, 35828Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you... 35829 35830Turning back the pages to the times I love best, 35831I wonder if she'll ever do the same, 35832Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied, 35833With knowing I got noone left to blame. 35834Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame... 35835 35836Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep, 35837I wonder if the years have closed her mind, 35838I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free, 35839From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew. 35840 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway" 35841% 35842Pickle's Law: 35843 If Congress must do a painful thing, 35844 the thing must be done in an odd-number year. 35845% 35846Piddle, twiddle, and resolve, 35847Not one damn thing do we solve. 35848 -- 1776 35849% 35850Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square. 35851% 35852Piece of cake! 35853 -- G.S. Koblas 35854% 35855pig, n: 35856 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by 35857 the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is 35858 inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. 35859 -- Ambrose Bierce 35860% 35861Pilfering Treasure property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are 35862ruthless in punishing little thieves. 35863 -- Diogenes 35864% 35865Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs. 35866 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988 35867% 35868Piping down the valleys wild, 35869Piping songs of pleasant glee, 35870On a cloud I saw a child, 35871And he laughing said to me: 35872"Pipe a song about a Lamb!" 35873So I piped with merry cheer. 35874"Piper, pipe that song again;" 35875So I piped: he wept to hear. 35876 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence" 35877% 35878Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently dropped 35879the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician 35880outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot. 35881 -- Love and Rockets 35882% 35883PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) 35884 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed 35885 by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates 35886 and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence 35887 and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to 35888 small animals. 35889% 35890PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) 35891 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American 35892 Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody 35893 else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably 35894 get run over by a bus. 35895% 35896PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20) 35897 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today. 35898 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the 35899 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have 35900 a car. 35901% 35902pixel, n: 35903 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. 35904 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: 35905 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial 35906 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department. 35907% 35908P-K4 35909% 35910PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more 35911to the problem set than to the solution set. 35912 -- E.W. Dijkstra 35913% 35914Plagiarize, plagiarize, 35915Let no man's work evade your eyes, 35916Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, 35917Don't shade your eyes, 35918But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize. 35919Only be sure to call it research. 35920 -- Tom Lehrer 35921% 35922Planet Claire has pink hair. 35923All the trees are red. 35924No one ever dies there. 35925No one has a head.... 35926% 35927Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! 35928Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past! 35929 -- Green Lantern Comics 35930% 35931Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia 35932because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers 35933couldn't compete successfully with poets. 35934 -- Kilgore Trout, "Venus on the Half Shell" 35935% 35936PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP: 35937 What develops when two people get 35938 tired of making love to each other. 35939% 35940Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye. 35941% 35942Please don't put a strain on our friendship 35943by asking me to do something for you. 35944% 35945Please don't recommend me to your friends-- 35946it's difficult enough to cope with you alone. 35947% 35948PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE! 35949 35950Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer, 35951 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment. 35952% 35953Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, 35954I sometimes forget which side I'm on. 35955% 35956Please go away. 35957% 35958Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it. 35959% 35960Please ignore previous fortune. 35961% 35962Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment. 35963% 35964Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself! 35965% 35966Please remain calm, it's no use both of 35967us being hysterical at the same time. 35968% 35969Please stand for the Nation Anthem: 35970 35971 O Canada 35972 Our home and native land 35973 True patriot love 35974 In all thy sons' command 35975 With glowing hearts we see thee rise 35976 The true north strong and free 35977 From far and wide, O Canada 35978 We stand on guard for thee 35979 God keep our land glorious and free 35980 O Canada we stand on guard for thee 35981 O Canada we stand on guard for thee 35982 35983Thank you. You may resume your seat. 35984% 35985Please stand for the National Anthem: 35986 35987 Australian's all, let us rejoice, 35988 For we are young and free. 35989 We've golden soil and wealth for toil 35990 Our home is girt by sea. 35991 Our land abounds in nature's gifts 35992 Of beauty rich and rare. 35993 In history's page, let every stage 35994 Advance Australia Fair. 35995 In joyful strains then let us sing, 35996 Advance Australia Fair. 35997 35998Thank you. You may resume your seat. 35999% 36000Please stand for the National Anthem: 36001 36002 God save our Gracious Queen! 36003 Long live our Noble Queen! 36004 God save the Queen! 36005 Send her victorious, 36006 Happy and glorious, 36007 Long to reign o'er us! 36008 God save the Queen! 36009 36010Thank you. You may resume your seat. 36011% 36012Please stand for the National Anthem: 36013 36014 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light 36015 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? 36016 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight 36017 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? 36018 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, 36019 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. 36020 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave 36021 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? 36022 36023Thank you. You may resume your seat. 36024% 36025Please take note: 36026% 36027Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" 36028until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out, 36029we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such. 36030 -- N. Meyrowitz 36031% 36032Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? 36033% 36034PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the 36035solution set. 36036 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 36037% 36038Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're 36039of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain 36040an uncontainable experience. 36041 -- R.S. Knapp 36042% 36043PLUG IT IN!!! 36044% 36045Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose. 36046% 36047Pohl's law: 36048 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. 36049% 36050poisoned coffee, n: 36051 Grounds for divorce. 36052% 36053Poland has gun control. 36054% 36055Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to 36056teach children. 36057 -- W.H. Auden 36058% 36059Political speeches are like steer horns. A point 36060here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween. 36061 -- Alfred E. Neuman 36062% 36063Political television commercials prove one thing: some candidates 36064can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. 36065% 36066POLITICIAN: 36067 From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete' ("head" or 36068 "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face). 36069 Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces. 36070 -- Martin Pitt 36071% 36072Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise 36073to build a bridge even where there is no river. 36074 -- Nikita Khrushchev 36075% 36076Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. 36077 -- Arthur C. Clarke 36078% 36079Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have 36080been, and never will be wrong. 36081 -- Walter Dwight 36082% 36083Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign 36084funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other. 36085 -- Oscar Ameringer 36086% 36087Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and 36088without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in 36089for politics. 36090 -- Albert Camus 36091% 36092Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as 36093dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once. 36094 -- Winston Churchill 36095% 36096Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the 36097systematic organisation of hatreds. 36098 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams" 36099% 36100Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart 36101enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. 36102% 36103Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing 36104between the disastrous and the unpalatable. 36105 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 36106% 36107Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to 36108realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 36109 -- Ronald Reagan 36110% 36111Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next 36112week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to 36113explain why it didn't happen. 36114 -- Winston Churchill 36115% 36116Politics, like religion, hold up the 36117torches of matrydom to the reformers of error. 36118 -- Thomas Jefferson 36119% 36120Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics. 36121 -- Amy Gorin 36122% 36123politics, n: 36124 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. 36125 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. 36126 -- Ambrose Bierce 36127% 36128Pollyanna's Educational Constant: 36129 The hyperactive child is never absent. 36130% 36131POLYGON: 36132 Dead parrot. 36133% 36134Polymer physicists are into chains. 36135% 36136Poorman's Rule: 36137 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser 36138 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to 36139 pull it open. 36140% 36141Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the 36142Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white 36143smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned 36144on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious 36145possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing 36146 36147 Half a pound of tuppenny rice 36148 Half a pound of treacle 36149 That's the way the chimney smokes 36150 Pope Goestheveezl 36151 36152The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter 36153streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic 36154functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant 36155Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653. 36156 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 36157% 36158Populus vult decipi. 36159[The people like to be deceived.] 36160% 36161Porsche; there simply is no substitute. 36162 -- Risky Business 36163% 36164POSITIVE: 36165 Being mistaken at the top of your voice. 36166% 36167Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. 36168 -- Ryan 36169% 36170Post proelium, praemium. 36171[After the battle, the reward.] 36172% 36173Postmen never die, they just lose their zip. 36174% 36175Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: 36176 36177 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's 36178left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world 36179populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to 36180him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable 36181line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!" 36182 36183 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a 36184fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on 36185unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed 36186with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish 36187with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on 36188diets that are driving them crazy. 36189 36190 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same. 36191Except with sour cream. 36192% 36193Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: 36194 36195 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day 36196McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth 36197to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly 36198behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..." 36199 36200 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name, 36201rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover 36202of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and 36203general butter-melting by all. 36204 36205 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter 36206Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater! 36207% 36208POVERTY: 36209 An unfortunate state that persists as long 36210 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have. 36211% 36212Poverty begins at home. 36213% 36214Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many 36215poor people. 36216 -- Don Herold 36217% 36218POWER: 36219 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. 36220% 36221Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. 36222 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987 36223% 36224Power is poison. 36225% 36226Power is the finest token of affection. 36227% 36228Power, like a desolating pestilence, 36229Pollutes whate'er it touches... 36230 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley 36231% 36232Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely. 36233 -- Lord Acton 36234% 36235PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn. 36236% 36237Practical people would be more practical if 36238they would take a little more time for dreaming. 36239 -- J.P. McEvoy 36240% 36241Practical politics consists in ignoring facts. 36242 -- Henry Adams 36243% 36244Practically perfect people never permit 36245sentiment to muddle their thinking. 36246 -- Mary Poppins 36247% 36248Practice is the best of all instructors. 36249 -- Publilius 36250% 36251Practice yourself what you preach. 36252 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 36253% 36254PRAIRIES: 36255 Vast plains covered by treeless forests. 36256% 36257Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. 36258 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur" 36259% 36260Praise the sea; on shore remain. 36261 -- John Florio 36262% 36263pray, n: 36264 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf 36265 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. 36266 -- Ambrose Bierce 36267% 36268Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. 36269 -- Russian Proverb 36270% 36271Predestination was doomed from the start. 36272% 36273Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. 36274 -- Niels Bohr 36275% 36276Prejudice: 36277 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. 36278 -- Ambrose Bierce 36279% 36280Premature optimization is the root of all evil. 36281 -- D.E. Knuth 36282% 36283Preserve the old, but know the new. 36284% 36285Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today! 36286% 36287Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today! 36288% 36289President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic 36290pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. 36291% 36292President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% 36293of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. 36294 -- The Washington Post 36295% 36296Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! 36297% 36298Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: 36299 It's on the other side. 36300% 36301Price's Advice: 36302 It's all a game -- play it to have fun. 36303% 36304[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves 36305the working man, he loves to see him work. 36306 -- Winston Churchill 36307% 36308[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the 36309largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought. 36310 -- Winston Churchill 36311% 36312Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor 36313For having it off with his Mater; 36314 Revenge Dad or not? 36315 That's the gist of the plot, 36316And he did -- nine soliloquies later. 36317 -- Stanley J. Sharpless 36318% 36319Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle 36320taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for 36321all I know. 36322 -- Prof. J.H. Finley '25 36323% 36324Priority: 36325 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often 36326 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't 36327 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less 36328 badly than someone else. 36329% 36330Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion. 36331 -- Blake 36332% 36333Prizes are for children. 36334 -- Charles Ives, 36335 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize 36336% 36337Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. 36338% 36339Probable-Possible, my black hen, 36340She lays eggs in the Relative When. 36341She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now 36342Because she's unable to postulate How. 36343 -- Frederick Winsor 36344% 36345PROBLEM DRINKER: 36346 A man who never buys. 36347% 36348Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training. 36349And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy 36350for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress 36351I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets? 36352 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors 36353% 36354Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. 36355% 36356Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130 36357midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam. 36358Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average 36359has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%. 36360% 36361PROGRAM: 36362 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one 36363 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program," 36364 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation 36365 always justifies hiring at least three more people. 36366% 36367program, n: 36368 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input 36369 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging 36370 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward. 36371% 36372Programmers do it bit by bit. 36373% 36374Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live 36375without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them. 36376 -- D.M. Ritchie 36377% 36378Programming Department: 36379 Mistakes made while you wait. 36380% 36381Programming is an unnatural act. 36382% 36383PROGRESS: 36384 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons 36385 invading the body and taking possession of it. 36386 36387 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria 36388 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction. 36389% 36390Progress is impossible without change, and those who 36391cannot change their minds cannot change anything. 36392 -- G.B. Shaw 36393% 36394Progress means replacing a theory that 36395is wrong with one more subtly wrong. 36396% 36397Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. 36398 -- Ogden Nash 36399% 36400Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. 36401 -- James Thurber 36402% 36403Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded. 36404% 36405Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you. 36406% 36407PROMOTION FROM WITHIN: 36408 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making 36409 level where they can't foul up operations. 36410% 36411Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. 36412% 36413Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. 36414 36415This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction 36416techniques are very popular, even the military use them. 36417 36418SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. 36419 36420 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true 36421for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n 36422as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is 36423trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can 36424take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 becuase it's just about n. 36425 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") 36426% 36427Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. 36428 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. 36429[1] Horses have an even number of legs. 36430[2] They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. 36431[3] This makes a total of six legs, 36432 which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse. 36433[4] But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 36434[5] Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. 36435 36436Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by: 36437 intimidation, 36438 gesticulation (handwaving), 36439 "try it; it works", 36440 constipation (I was just sitting there and...), 36441 blatant assertion, 36442 changing all the 2's to n's, 36443 mutual consent, 36444 lack of a counterexample, and, 36445 "it stands to reason". 36446% 36447Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, 36448but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week. 36449 -- Darrell Huff 36450% 36451Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. 36452 -- Publilius Syrus 36453% 36454Prototype designs always work. 36455 -- Don Vonada 36456% 36457prototype, n. 36458 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by 36459 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, 36460 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the 36461 prototype is not expected to work. 36462% 36463Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities 36464where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf. 36465% 36466Prunes give you a run for your money. 36467% 36468Pryor's Observation: 36469 How long you live has nothing to do 36470 with how long you are going to be dead. 36471% 36472Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' 36473shortcomings. 36474 -- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles" 36475% 36476Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body. 36477% 36478Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself 36479a therapy. 36480 -- Karl Kraus 36481 36482Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd. 36483 36484Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. 36485 -- C.G. Jung 36486% 36487psychologist, n: 36488 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks 36489 into a room. 36490% 36491Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists. 36492Experimental psychologists think they're biologists. 36493Biologists think they're biochemists. 36494Biochemists think they're chemists. 36495Chemists think they're physical chemists. 36496Physical chemists think they're physicists. 36497Physicists think they're theoretical physicists. 36498Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians. 36499Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians. 36500Metamathematicians think they're philosophers. 36501Philosophers think they're gods. 36502% 36503Psychology. Mind over matter. 36504Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. 36505Never mind. 36506% 36507Public use of any portable music system is a 36508virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies. 36509 -- Zoso 36510% 36511Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping 36512a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo. 36513% 36514Pudder's Law: 36515 Anything that begins well will end badly. 36516 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.) 36517% 36518Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa. 36519% 36520Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to 36521spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate 36522that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person 36523on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are 36524thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other 36525passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they 36526have plenty of food and water. 36527 -- Dave Barry 36528% 36529PURGE COMPLETE. 36530% 36531PURITAN: 36532 Someone who is deathly afraid that 36533 someone, somewhere, is having fun. 36534% 36535Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. 36536 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques" 36537% 36538PURPITATION: 36539 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you 36540 don't want it, and then put it in another section. 36541 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 36542% 36543Push where it gives and scratch where it itches. 36544% 36545Pushing 30 is exercise enough. 36546% 36547Pushing forty is exercise enough. 36548% 36549Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer. 36550Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak. 36551Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it. 36552 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor 36553 of Texas. 36554% 36555Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man. 36556 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" 36557% 36558Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET. 36559 -- Mark Twain 36560% 36561Put another password in, 36562Bomb it out, then try again. 36563Try to get past logging in, 36564We're hacking, hacking, hacking. 36565 36566Try his first wife's maiden name, 36567This is more than just a game. 36568It's real fun, but just the same, 36569It's hacking, hacking, hacking. 36570% 36571Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea! 36572% 36573Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. 36574% 36575Put your best foot forward. 36576Or just call in and say you're sick. 36577% 36578Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion. 36579% 36580Put your Nose to the Grindstone! 36581 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. 36582% 36583Put your trust in those who are worthy. 36584% 36585Putt's Law: 36586 Technology is dominated by two types of people: 36587 Those who understand what they do not manage. 36588 Those who manage what they do not understand. 36589% 36590Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!! 36591% 36592Q: Are we not men? 36593A: We are Vaxen. 36594% 36595Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? 36596A: One per person. 36597% 36598Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism? 36599A: He got re-possessed! 36600% 36601Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert? 36602A: With three more bullets. 36603% 36604Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with 36605 your wife? 36606A: You have to wait 22 months. 36607% 36608Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back 36609 in a hurricane? 36610A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind. 36611% 36612Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? 36613A: When his lips move. 36614% 36615Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree? 36616A: He sat on a acorn and waited for spring. 36617 36618Q: But how did he get back down? 36619A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn. 36620% 36621Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? 36622A: Unique up on it! 36623 36624Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? 36625A: The tame way! 36626% 36627Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense? 36628% 36629Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal? 36630A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local". 36631% 36632Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont? 36633A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles. 36634% 36635Q: How do you make an elephant float? 36636A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer... 36637% 36638Q: How do you play religious roulette? 36639A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets 36640 struck by lightning first. 36641% 36642Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? 36643A: Throw him a rock. 36644% 36645Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? 36646A: With a blue-elephant gun. 36647 36648Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant? 36649A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with 36650 a blue-elephant gun. 36651% 36652Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? 36653A: Take away his credit cards. 36654% 36655Q: How does a hacker fix a function which 36656 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain? 36657A: He changes the domain. 36658% 36659Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches? 36660A: She asks them for a commitment. 36661% 36662Q: How does a WASP propose marriage? 36663A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?" 36664% 36665Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? 36666A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment 36667 of license fee (binary only). 36668% 36669Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? 36670A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being 36671 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. 36672% 36673Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36674A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the 36675 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in 36676 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.) 36677 36678Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 36679A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all 36680 those Californians trying to share the experience. 36681% 36682Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36683A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it. 36684% 36685Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? 36686A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 36687 36688Q: How long does it take? 36689A: It's indeterminate. 36690 It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them. 36691 36692Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? 36693A: They replace your generator. 36694% 36695Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke? 36696A: One more than you can find. 36697% 36698Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug? 36699A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back. 36700 36701Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? 36702A: There's a footprint in the mayo. 36703 36704Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator? 36705A: There's two footprints in the mayo. 36706 36707Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator? 36708A: The door won't shut. 36709 36710Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? 36711A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway. 36712% 36713Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 36714A: None. We'll fix it in software. 36715 36716Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb? 36717A: None. The application can work around it. 36718 36719Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 36720A: None. We'll document it in the manual. 36721 36722Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 36723A: None. The user can figure it out. 36724% 36725Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36726A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him. 36727% 36728Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job? 36729A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. 36730% 36731Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift? 36732A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. 36733% 36734Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? 36735A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number 36736 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, 36737 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally 36738 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:..... 36739 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". 36740% 36741Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36742A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring 36743 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot 36744 to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for 36745 reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break 36746 the bulb in the first place. 36747% 36748Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 36749A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done. 36750% 36751Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 36752A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the 36753party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith 36754agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed 36755from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed 36756upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of 36757the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating 36758at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of 36759the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the 36760second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the 36761parties. 36762 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be 36763limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without 36764elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other 36765means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party 36766of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered 36767non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part 36768becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall 36769have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner 36770consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. 36771Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part 36772shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall 36773occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in 36774step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation 36775should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. 36776The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the 36777first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to 36778produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership. 36779% 36780Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 36781A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if 36782 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... 36783% 36784Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb? 36785A: I'll have to get back to you on that. 36786% 36787Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36788A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. 36789% 36790Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36791A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem 36792 to the earlier joke. 36793% 36794Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a 36795 light bulb? 36796A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in 36797 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send 36798 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim 36799 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking 36800 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains 36801 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at 36802 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb 36803 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. 36804 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers 36805 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply 36806 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. 36807 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, 36808 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must 36809 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon 36810 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have 36811 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been 36812 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted 36813 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission. 36814% 36815Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light 36816 bulb? 36817A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the 36818 witness. 36819% 36820Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb? 36821A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder 36822 out from under him. 36823% 36824Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? 36825A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has 36826 to really want to change. 36827% 36828Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?" 36829A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct 36830 the ship out of disgrace." 36831 36832 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for 36833 a fight. They consider this it to be a discrace, though it's 36834 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.] 36835% 36836Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 36837A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub 36838 with brightly colored machine tools. 36839 36840 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.] 36841% 36842Q: How many WASP's does it take to change a lightbulb? 36843A: One. 36844% 36845Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? 36846A: 2 bits. 36847% 36848Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 36849A: 9 edge down. 36850% 36851Q: Know what the difference between your latest project 36852 and putting wings on an elephant is? 36853A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh... 36854% 36855Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?" 36856A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little 36857 bottles into the typewriter. 36858% 36859Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. 36860 What should I do? 36861 36862A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on 36863 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably 36864 be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you 36865 can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to 36866 see if somebody else has made the correction. And it's not good 36867 enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who 36868 really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the 36869 whole net right away! 36870 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 36871% 36872Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? 36873A: "The elephants are coming over the hill." 36874 36875Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing 36876 sunglasses? 36877A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them. 36878% 36879Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? 36880A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until 36881 they go down on you. 36882 36883Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde? 36884A: You can park in the handicapped zone. 36885 36886Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw 36887 puzzle in only 6 months? 36888A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years". 36889% 36890Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up? 36891A: The very best person they can possibly be. 36892% 36893Q: What do monsters eat? 36894A: Things. 36895 36896Q: What do monsters drink? 36897A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.) 36898% 36899Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? 36900A: The impossible dream. 36901% 36902Q: What do WASP's do instead of making love? 36903A: Rule the country. 36904% 36905Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? 36906A: The same middle name. 36907% 36908Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? 36909A: A dope ring. 36910 36911Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? 36912A: To cover up the valve stem. 36913 36914Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw 36915 puzzle in only 6 months? 36916A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years". 36917% 36918Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal? 36919A: Diyathinkhesaurus. 36920 36921Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog? 36922A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex. 36923% 36924Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? 36925A: A stick. 36926% 36927Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes? 36928A: An interpreter. 36929 36930Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? 36931A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box. 36932 36933Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row? 36934A: A wind tunnel. 36935% 36936Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? 36937A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway. 36938 36939 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette. 36940 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.] 36941% 36942Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola, 36943 eating fruit, and singing? 36944A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir. 36945% 36946Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu? 36947A: Six sick Sikhs (sic). 36948% 36949Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan? 36950A: A good start. 36951% 36952Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C 36953 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers? 36954A: A deep C diva. 36955% 36956Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself? 36957A. A Christian Science Monitor. 36958% 36959Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a 36960 lawyer, and believes in social causes? 36961A: A failure. 36962% 36963Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when 36964 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant? 36965A: A howdah duty. 36966% 36967Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female 36968 sheep bites you? 36969A: Ewe nicks. 36970% 36971Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? 36972A: An offer you can't understand. 36973% 36974Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole? 36975A: Hot cross bunnies! 36976% 36977Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? 36978A: Not enough sand. 36979% 36980Q: What does a blonde do first theing in the morning? 36981A: She goes home. 36982 36983Q: Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? 36984A: To keep her neck warm. 36985 36986Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday? 36987A: Tell her a joke on Friday. 36988% 36989Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner? 36990A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by 36991 a delicious dessert. 36992% 36993Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota? 36994A: Open other end. 36995% 36996Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah! 36997A: Exploding sheep. 36998% 36999Q: What happens when four WASP's find themselves in the same room? 37000A: A dinner party. 37001% 37002Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? 37003A: Moby Pickle. 37004% 37005Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of? 37006A: Feet. 37007% 37008Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?" 37009A: A ball point carrot. 37010% 37011Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? 37012A: Open other end. 37013% 37014Q: What is purple and commutes? 37015A: A boolean grape. 37016% 37017Q: What is purple and commutes? 37018A: An Abelian grape. 37019% 37020Q: What is purple and concord the world? 37021A: Alexander the Grape. 37022% 37023Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic 37024 existentialist?" 37025A: "Is there a dog?" 37026% 37027Q: What is the difference between a duck? 37028A: One leg is both the same. 37029% 37030Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt? 37031A: Yogurt has culture. 37032% 37033Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off? 37034A: Her bowling shoes. 37035% 37036Q: What is the mating call of a blonde? 37037A: I think I'm drunk. 37038 37039Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde? 37040A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk! 37041 37042Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? 37043A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" 37044% 37045Q: What is the sound of one cat napping? 37046A: Mu. 37047% 37048Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? 37049A: A nervous wreck. 37050% 37051Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and 37052 plays like a monkey? 37053A: Nothing. 37054% 37055Q: What's black and white and red all over? 37056A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight. 37057% 37058Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch? 37059A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes. 37060% 37061Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? 37062A: A doberman. 37063% 37064Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? 37065A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well.. 37066 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea... 37067 37068Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? 37069A: Artificial intelligence. 37070 37071Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? 37072A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. 37073% 37074Q. What's the capital of Canada? 37075A. American. 37076% 37077Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead 37078 lawyer in the road? 37079A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. 37080% 37081Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant? 37082A: You can't get down off an elephant. 37083% 37084Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? 37085A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen. 37086% 37087Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale? 37088A: The moustache. 37089% 37090Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? 37091A: One more drunk. 37092% 37093Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? 37094A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. 37095% 37096Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt? 37097A. Yogurt has a living, active culture. 37098% 37099Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? 37100A: A canary with the super-user password. 37101% 37102Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? 37103A: Zorn's Lemon. 37104% 37105Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage? 37106A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump! 37107 37108Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill? 37109A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant... 37110% 37111Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain? 37112A: Lawn Boy. 37113% 37114Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive? 37115A: Because they're worth it! 37116% 37117Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? 37118A: Because he was hungry. 37119% 37120Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? 37121A: To see what was on the other side. 37122 37123Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels? 37124A: More head room. 37125 37126Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex? 37127A: She opens the car door. 37128% 37129Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? 37130A: He was giving it last rites. 37131% 37132Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? 37133A: To see his friend Gregory peck. 37134 37135Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? 37136A: To get to the other slide. 37137% 37138Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? 37139A: To get to the other slide. 37140% 37141Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? 37142A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means. 37143% 37144Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? 37145A: Because he left a residue at every pole. 37146% 37147Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? 37148A: Because that was her name. 37149% 37150Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? 37151A: To get to the middle. 37152% 37153Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet? 37154A: To stamp out forest fires. 37155 37156Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? 37157A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 37158% 37159Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? 37160A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress. 37161% 37162Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? 37163A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. 37164% 37165Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? 37166A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise? 37167 Oh, right, *of course*! 37168% 37169Q: Why do the police always travel in threes? 37170A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps 37171 an eye on the two intellectuals. 37172% 37173Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and 37174 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? 37175A: God gave New Jersey first choice. 37176% 37177Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? 37178A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars. 37179 37180Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? 37181A: To keep their ankles warm. 37182 37183Q: How do you kill a blonde? 37184A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads. 37185% 37186Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? 37187A: The cats keep trying to bury them. 37188% 37189Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it? 37190A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink 37191 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while 37192 visiting, they always take three. 37193% 37194Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? 37195A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit 37196 gets all the credit. 37197% 37198Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation 37199 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? 37200A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. 37201% 37202Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? 37203A: It takes too long to retrain them. 37204 37205Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? 37206A: All the blondes have gone home! 37207 37208Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? 37209A: There's white-out on the screen. 37210% 37211Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man 37212 soup in a plate? 37213A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away. 37214% 37215Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned? 37216A: It wasn't IBM compatible. 37217% 37218Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? 37219A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand! 37220% 37221Q: What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin? 37222A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time. 37223% 37224Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? 37225A: The Titanic had a band. 37226% 37227QED. 37228% 37229QOTD: 37230 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope." 37231% 37232QOTD: 37233 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5." 37234% 37235QOTD: 37236 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem." 37237% 37238QOTD: 37239 All I want is a little more than I'll ever get. 37240% 37241QOTD: 37242 All I want is more than my fair share. 37243% 37244QOTD: 37245 "Dead people are good at running because they don't 37246 have to stop and breathe." 37247 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead" 37248% 37249QOTD: 37250 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone." 37251% 37252QOTD: 37253 "East is east... and let's keep it that way." 37254% 37255QOTD: 37256 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there, 37257 I go to work." 37258% 37259QOTD: 37260 Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to 37261 save the earth! 37262% 37263QOTD: 37264 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day." 37265% 37266QOTD: 37267 "Her other car is a broom." 37268% 37269QOTD: 37270 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect 37271 her to cook." 37272% 37273QOTD: 37274 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom." 37275% 37276QOTD: 37277 How can I miss you if you won't go away? 37278% 37279QOTD: 37280 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent." 37281% 37282QOTD: 37283 "I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it." 37284% 37285QOTD: 37286 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the 37287other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." 37288% 37289QOTD: 37290 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying." 37291% 37292QOTD: 37293 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby." 37294% 37295QOTD: 37296 I love your outfit, does it come in your size? 37297% 37298QOTD: 37299 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting posistion." 37300% 37301QOTD: 37302 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" 37303% 37304QOTD: 37305 I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the 37306 ball in their court. 37307 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs) 37308% 37309QOTD: 37310 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it 37311 didn't work." 37312% 37313QOTD: 37314 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a 37315 horse with one of the horns broken off." 37316% 37317QOTD: 37318 "I treat her like a throughbred, and she's STILL a nag!" 37319% 37320QOTD: 37321 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return 37322 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower." 37323% 37324QOTD: 37325 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality." 37326% 37327QOTD: 37328 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with 37329 the lost." 37330% 37331QOTD: 37332 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." 37333% 37334QOTD: 37335 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job." 37336% 37337QOTD: 37338 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass." 37339% 37340QOTD: 37341 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the 37342 dog for dinner." 37343% 37344QOTD: 37345 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play 37346 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her." 37347% 37348QOTD: 37349 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything." 37350% 37351QOTD: 37352 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave." 37353% 37354QOTD: 37355 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie." 37356% 37357QOTD: 37358 If it's too loud, you're too old. 37359% 37360QOTD: 37361 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it." 37362% 37363QOTD: 37364 If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection. 37365% 37366QOTD: 37367 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD." 37368% 37369QOTD: 37370 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..." 37371% 37372QOTD: 37373 I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged". 37374% 37375QOTD: 37376 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged". 37377 37378 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.] 37379% 37380QOTD: 37381 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..." 37382% 37383QOTD: 37384 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it." 37385% 37386QOTD: 37387 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department." 37388% 37389QOTD: 37390 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many 37391 stations anymore." 37392% 37393QOTD: 37394 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his 37395 hands in his own pockets." 37396% 37397QOTD: 37398 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out." 37399% 37400QOTD: 37401 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." 37402% 37403QOTD: 37404 "It's been Monday all week today." 37405% 37406QOTD: 37407 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun." 37408% 37409QOTD: 37410 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if 37411 the ace is missing from his deck altogether." 37412% 37413QOTD: 37414 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." 37415% 37416QOTD: 37417 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at 37418 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective." 37419% 37420QOTD: 37421 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on 37422 strike. To make less money." 37423% 37424QOTD: 37425 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back 37426 all of my stuff." 37427% 37428QOTD: 37429 I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one. 37430% 37431QOTD: 37432 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing 37433 trivial." 37434% 37435QOTD: 37436 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?" 37437% 37438QOTD: 37439 "Let's do it." 37440 -- Gary Gilmore 37441% 37442QOTD: 37443 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die." 37444% 37445QOTD: 37446 Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical 37447 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying 37448 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn. 37449 -- Goodstein, States of Matter 37450% 37451QOTD: 37452 Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch. 37453% 37454QOTD: 37455 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let 37456 her husband work." 37457% 37458QOTD: 37459 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?" 37460% 37461QOTD: 37462 My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips. 37463% 37464QOTD: 37465 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships." 37466% 37467QOTD: 37468 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with 37469 a fake?" 37470% 37471QOTD: 37472 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy." 37473% 37474QOTD: 37475 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty." 37476% 37477QOTD: 37478 "Our parents were never our age." 37479% 37480QOTD: 37481 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies." 37482% 37483QOTD: 37484 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis 37485 shoes on you and run you into the wall?" 37486% 37487QOTD: 37488 Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. 37489% 37490QOTD: 37491 "She's about as smart as bait." 37492% 37493QOTD: 37494 Silence is the only virtue he has left. 37495% 37496QOTD: 37497 Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives. 37498% 37499QOTD: 37500 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question." 37501% 37502QOTD: 37503 Talent does what it can, genius what it must. 37504 I do what I get paid to do. 37505% 37506QOTD: 37507 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its 37508 neck to get the dog to play with it." 37509% 37510QOTD: 37511 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." 37512% 37513QOTD: 37514 The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean 37515 the snakes have gone away. 37516% 37517QOTD: 37518 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking." 37519% 37520QOTD: 37521 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the 37522 left." 37523% 37524QOTD: 37525 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!" 37526% 37527QOTD: 37528 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween." 37529% 37530QOTD: 37531 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you 37532 think he was broken!" 37533% 37534QOTD: 37535 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding 37536 when I mess things up." 37537% 37538QOTD: 37539 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call 37540 "baring your neck." 37541% 37542QOTD: 37543 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs." 37544% 37545QOTD: 37546 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?" 37547% 37548QOTD: 37549 Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE? 37550 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great... 37551% 37552QOTD: 37553 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them? 37554 How... tribal." 37555% 37556QOTD: 37557 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth." 37558% 37559QOTD: 37560Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now 37561to late to punish. 37562% 37563QOTD: 37564I haven't come far enough and don't call me baby. 37565% 37566QOTD: 37567I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, 37568then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'. 37569 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash 37570% 37571QOTD: 37572"I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..." 37573 -- Kathy Ireland 37574% 37575QOTD: 37576"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing." 37577% 37578QOTD: 37579Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency 37580on my part. 37581% 37582QOTD: 37583On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there. 37584% 37585QOTD: 37586Sacred cows make great hamburgers. 37587% 37588QOTD: 37589The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the 37590gerbil has more dark meat. 37591% 37592Quack! 37593 Quack!! Quack!! 37594% 37595Quality control: 37596 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand 37597 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design. 37598% 37599QUALITY CONTROL: 37600 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a 37601 production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. 37602% 37603Quantity is no substitute for quality, 37604but its the only one we've got. 37605% 37606Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces! 37607 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party 37608% 37609Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me." 37610% 37611QUARK: 37612 The sound made by a well bred duck. 37613% 37614Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck! 37615% 37616Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in 37617exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must 37618devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might eminate 37619from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to 37620Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are 37621weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be 37622reached for comment, but we chose not to listen. 37623 -- Dennis Miller 37624% 37625Question: 37626 Man Invented Alcohol, 37627 God Invented Grass. 37628 Whom do you trust? 37629% 37630question = ( to ) ? be : ! be; 37631 -- Wm. Shakespeare 37632% 37633QUESTION AUTHORITY. 37634 37635(Sez who?) 37636% 37637Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until 37638they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them? 37639% 37640Questionable day. 37641Ask somebody something. 37642% 37643Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. 37644 -- Oscar Wilde 37645% 37646Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! 37647% 37648Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. 37649 37650(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) 37651% 37652Quigley's Law: 37653 Whoever has any authority over you, 37654 no matter how small, will attempt to use it. 37655% 37656Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away. 37657 -- Robert Orben 37658% 37659Quite frankly, I don't like you humans. 37660After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment. 37661% 37662Qvid me anxivs svm? 37663% 37664Radicalism: 37665 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today. 37666 -- A. Bierce 37667% 37668RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC 37669READY 37670>_ 37671% 37672Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. 37673% 37674Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht. 37675 -- Albert Einstein 37676% 37677rain falls where clouds come 37678sun shines where clouds go 37679clouds just come and go 37680 -- Florian Gutzwiller 37681% 37682Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. 37683% 37684Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. 37685% 37686Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity. 37687% 37688Ralph's Observation: 37689It is a mistake to let any mechanical object 37690realise that you are in a hurry. 37691% 37692RAM wasn't built in a day. 37693% 37694Random, n: 37695 as in number, predictable. 37696 as in memory access, unpredictable. 37697% 37698Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking. 37699% 37700Rascal, am I? Take THAT! 37701 -- Errol Flynn 37702% 37703Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I 37704saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer 37705magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it 37706bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won 37707secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul 37708when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault 37709insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long 37710before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the 37711A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical 37712engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? 37713 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president 37714% 37715Razors pain you; 37716Rivers are damp; 37717Acids stain you; 37718And drugs cause cramp. 37719Guns aren't lawful; 37720Nooses give; 37721Gas smells awful; 37722You might as well live. 37723 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 37724% 37725Re: Graphics: 37726 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe 37727 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately 37728 described with pictures. 37729% 37730Reach into the thoughts of friends, 37731And find they do not know your name. 37732Squeeze the teddy bear too tight, 37733And watch the feathers burst the seams. 37734Touch the stained glass with your cheek, 37735And feel its chill upon your blood. 37736Hold a candle to the night, 37737And see the darkness bend the flame. 37738Tear the mask of peace from God, 37739And hear the roar of souls in hell. 37740Pluck a rose in name of love, 37741And watch the petals curl and wilt. 37742Lean upon the western wind, 37743And know you are alone. 37744 -- Dru Mims 37745% 37746Reactor error - core dumped! 37747% 37748Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. 37749% 37750Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. 37751% 37752Reagan can't act either. 37753% 37754Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has 37755limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are 37756so poor at I/O. 37757% 37758Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with 37759`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count 37760(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications). 37761% 37762Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how 37763could they read their mail? 37764% 37765Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on 37766future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens 37767will ever be able to fit on a single planet. 37768% 37769Real programmers admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they 37770find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to 37771implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are 37772still arguing over what else to add to ADA. 37773% 37774Real programmers don't document; if it was 37775hard to write, it should be hard to understand. 37776% 37777Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the 37778illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much 37779good it did them. 37780% 37781Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food. 37782% 37783Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires 37784you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers 37785wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly 37786spring up in the middle of the machine room. 37787% 37788Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. 37789FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. 37790% 37791Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for 37792programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. 37793% 37794Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. 37795% 37796Real programs don't eat cache. 37797% 37798Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they 37799use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? 37800% 37801Real wealth can only increase. 37802 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 37803% 37804Real World, The n.: 37805 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may be 37806used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To 37807programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related to 37808programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and tie 37809and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. The location 37810of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. "Poor fellow, he's 37811left MIT and gone into T.R.W." Used pejoratively by those not in residence 37812there. In conversation, talking of someone who has entered the real world 37813is not unlike talking about a deceased person. 37814% 37815Reality -- what a concept! 37816 -- Robin Williams 37817% 37818Reality always seems harsher in the early morning. 37819% 37820Reality does not exist - yet. 37821% 37822Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. 37823% 37824Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs. 37825 -- Lily Tomlin 37826% 37827Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction. 37828% 37829Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. 37830 -- Lily Tomlin 37831% 37832Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature 37833cannot be fooled. 37834 -- R.P. Feynman 37835% 37836Reality must take precedence over public 37837relations, for Mother Nature cannot be fooled. 37838 -- R.P. Feynman 37839% 37840Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!! 37841% 37842Reappraisal, n: 37843 An abrupt change of mind after being found out. 37844% 37845Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. 37846 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 37847% 37848Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being 37849flat broke and having a stomach ache. 37850 -- Dolph Sharp 37851% 37852Recent investments will yield a slight profit. 37853% 37854Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man 37855is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator. 37856 -- C.N. Parkinson 37857% 37858Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after 37859his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. 37860"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the 37861microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the 37862bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie 37863Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." 37864Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: 37865"'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!" 37866 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller 37867% 37868Reception area, n: 37869 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend 37870 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade 37871 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World, 37872 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine -- 37873 Cosmopolitan. 37874% 37875Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you 37876lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, 37877but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and 37878Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions. 37879% 37880Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: 37881 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit 37882 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of 37883 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!) 37884 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the 37885 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.) 37886 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it. 37887 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of 37888 Qualactin Hypermint extract. 37889 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve. 37890 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor. 37891 (8) Add an olive. 37892 (9) Drink... but... very carefully... 37893% 37894Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: 37895 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit 37896 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of 37897 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!) 37898 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the 37899 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.) 37900 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it. 37901 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of 37902 Qualactin Hypermint extract. 37903 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve. 37904 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor. 37905 (8) Add an olive. 37906 (9) Drink... but... very carefully... 37907% 37908Reclaimer, spare that tree! 37909Take not a single bit! 37910It used to point to me, 37911Now I'm protecting it. 37912It was the reader's CONS 37913That made it, paired by dot; 37914Now, GC, for the nonce, 37915Thou shalt reclaim it not. 37916% 37917Recursion is the root of computation 37918since it trades description for time. 37919% 37920Recursion: n. See Recursion. 37921 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 37922% 37923Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, 37924administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate. 37925% 37926Regnant populi. 37927% 37928Regression analysis: 37929 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are 37930 getting worse. 37931% 37932Reichel's Law: 37933 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by 37934 an outside force. 37935% 37936Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child. 37937 -- Thomas Berger 37938% 37939Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: 37940 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. 37941% 37942Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest 37943knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. 37944 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest" 37945% 37946...relaxed in the manner of a man who 37947has no need to put up a front of any kind. 37948 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy" 37949% 37950Reliable source, n: 37951 The guy you just met. 37952% 37953Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. 37954 -- Anatole France 37955% 37956Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple. 37957% 37958Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. 37959 -- Napoleon 37960% 37961Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. 37962% 37963Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our 37964extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille. 37965 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic 37966 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 37967% 37968Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%. 37969% 37970Remember Darwin; building a better 37971mousetrap merely results in smarter mice. 37972% 37973Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled 37974with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two 37975deserts. 37976 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59 37977% 37978Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. 37979 -- Jim Samuels 37980% 37981Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't 37982have an established user base. 37983% 37984Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over 37985the first one. 37986 -- Confusion 37987% 37988"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's 37989*not* the U.S. Army doing it!" 37990 -- Good Morning VietNam 37991% 37992Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure 37993that you're the one holding it. 37994 -- Mr. Greenfatigues 37995% 37996Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 37997 -- Dave Butler 37998% 37999Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when 38000you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. 38001 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 38002% 38003Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy. 38004 -- Hans Liepmann 38005% 38006Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, 38007it could only be worse in Cleveland. 38008% 38009Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? 38010% 38011Remember the... the... uhh..... 38012% 38013Remember thee 38014Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat 38015In this distracted globe. Remember thee! 38016Yea, from the table of my memory 38017I'll wipe away all trivial fond records, 38018All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past, 38019That youth and observation copied there. 38020 -- William Shakespear, "Hamlet" 38021% 38022Remember to say hello to your bank teller. 38023% 38024Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. 38025 -- Mt. 38026% 38027Remember: use logout to logout. 38028% 38029Remembering is for those who have forgotten. 38030 -- Chinese proverb 38031% 38032Remove me from this land of slaves, 38033Where all are fools, and all are knaves, 38034Where every knave and fool is bought, 38035Yet kindly sells himself for nought; 38036 -- Jonathan Swift 38037% 38038Removing the straw that broke the camel's back 38039does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again. 38040% 38041Renning's Maxim: 38042 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. 38043% 38044Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. 38045 -- Mark Twain 38046% 38047Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid. 38048 -- Indiana University footbal cheer 38049% 38050Reply hazy, ask again later. 38051% 38052Reporter: 38053 A writer who guesses his way to the truth 38054 and dispels it with a tempest of words. 38055 -- Ambrose Bierce 38056% 38057Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?" 38058Yogi Berra: "Closed." 38059% 38060Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?" 38061Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back." 38062% 38063Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): 38064 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? 38065Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. 38066% 38067Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. 38068Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. 38069 38070Democrats eat the fish they catch. 38071Republicans hang them on the wall. 38072 38073Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry 38074Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. 38075 38076Democrats make up plans and then do something else. 38077Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. 38078 38079Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. 38080That is why there are more Democrats. 38081 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" 38082% 38083Reputation, adj: 38084 What others are not thinking about you. 38085% 38086Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works 38087you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either, 38088so you're still a valiant nerd. 38089% 38090Research is to see what everybody else has seen, 38091and think what nobody else has thought. 38092% 38093Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. 38094 -- Wernher von Braun 38095% 38096Research, n: 38097 Consider Columbus: 38098 He didn't know where he was going. 38099 When he got there he didn't know where he was. 38100 When he got back he didn't know where he had been. 38101 And he did it all on someone else's money. 38102% 38103Resisting temptation is easier when you 38104think you'll probably get another chance later on. 38105% 38106Responsibility: 38107 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is 38108a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something 38109goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it 38110is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is. 38111 -- Cerebus, "On Governing" 38112% 38113Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you 38114actually have a shot at it. 38115% 38116Reunite Gondwondaland! 38117% 38118Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean? 38119Bobby: Slow down. 38120Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean? 38121Bobby: Slow down. 38122Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light.... 38123% 38124Revenge is a form of nostalgia. 38125% 38126Revenge is a meal best served cold. 38127% 38128Review Questions 38129 381301: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, 38131 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before 38132 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the 38133 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? 38134 381352: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks 38136 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks 38137 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off 38138 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? 38139 381403: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers 38141 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in 38142 a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King 38143 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? 38144% 38145Revolution, n: 38146 A form of government abroad. 38147% 38148Revolution, n: 38149 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. 38150 -- Ambrose Bierce 38151% 38152revolutionary, adj: 38153 Repackaged. 38154% 38155Rhode's Law: 38156 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, 38157 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or 38158 circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, 38159 estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose 38160 of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or 38161 personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the 38162 above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and 38163 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, 38164 and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to 38165 assume otherwise, maybe. 38166% 38167Rhode's Law: 38168 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, 38169or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or circuitously 38170proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or 38171scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience, 38172expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal comfort, or any 38173combination of the above, or none of the above, be unilaterally and 38174unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be 38175undeniably, universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as 38176it becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. 38177% 38178Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men 38179should be happier than others. 38180 -- Oscar Wilde 38181% 38182Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life. 38183He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress, 38184lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the 38185world. 38186 -- Senator Barry Goldwater 38187% 38188Riches cover a multitude of woes. 38189 -- Menander 38190% 38191Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?" 38192Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is 38193 going on here." 38194Croupier (handing money to Renault): 38195 "Your winnings, sir." 38196Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much." 38197 -- Casablanca 38198% 38199Riffle West Virginia is so small that the 38200Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk. 38201% 38202"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither 38203machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not 38204rights, which they use or do not use. 38205 -- Lazarus Long 38206% 38207Ring around the collar. 38208% 38209Ritchie's Rule: 38210 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency. 38211 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job. 38212 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost. 38213% 38214Robot, n: 38215 Someone who's been made by a scientist. 38216% 38217Robot, n: 38218 University administrator. 38219% 38220Robustness, adj: 38221 Never having to say you're sorry. 38222% 38223Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention 38224 Unless the results are known in advance, 38225 funding agencies will reject the proposal. 38226% 38227Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to 38228become necessary. 38229 -- Edgar Friedenberg 38230% 38231Rome was not built in one day. 38232 -- John Heywood 38233% 38234Rome wasn't burnt in a day. 38235% 38236Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill, 38237He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still, 38238Juliet was waiting with a safety net, 38239Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet". 38240 -- Elvis Costello 38241% 38242Roses are red; 38243 Violets are blue. 38244I'm schizophrenic, 38245 And so am I. 38246% 38247Rotten wood cannot be carved. 38248 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9 38249% 38250Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler. 38251 -- Zero Mostel 38252% 38253Round Numbers are always false. 38254 -- Samuel Johnson 38255% 38256Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream... 38257% 38258Rubber bands have snappy endings! 38259% 38260Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?" 38261Yogi Berra: "You mean now?" 38262% 38263Rudd's Discovery: 38264 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make 38265 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can 38266 stay in Washington and make it there. 38267% 38268Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength. 38269% 38270Rudin's Law: 38271 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will 38272 do it every time. 38273 38274Rudin's Second Law: 38275 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative 38276 courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible 38277 course. 38278% 38279rugby, n: 38280 Elegant violence. 38281 38282 (Rugby players eat their dead.) 38283 (Blood makes the grass grow!) 38284 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!) 38285 38286 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.] 38287% 38288RUGGED: 38289 Too heavy to lift. 38290% 38291Rule #1: 38292 The Boss is always right. 38293 38294Rule #2: 38295 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1. 38296% 38297Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence. 38298 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is 38299not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may 38300sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they 38301regain their composure. 38302% 38303Rule of Creative Research: 38304 1) Never draw what you can copy. 38305 2) Never copy what you can trace. 38306 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 38307% 38308Rule of Defactualization: 38309 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. 38310% 38311Rule of Feline Frustration: 38312 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly 38313 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the 38314 bathroom. 38315% 38316Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage. 38317% 38318Rule of the Great: 38319 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep 38320 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. 38321% 38322Rule the Empire through force. 38323 -- Shogun Tokugawa 38324% 38325Rules for driving in New York: 38326 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 38327 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on. 38328 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the 38329 intersection. 38330% 38331Rules for Good Grammar #4. 38332 1: Don't use no double negatives. 38333 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents. 38334 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. 38335 4: About them sentence fragments. 38336 5: When dangling, watch your participles. 38337 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects. 38338 7: Just between you and i, case is important. 38339 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read. 38340 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary. 3834110: Try to not ever split infinitives. 3834211: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly. 3834312: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out. 3834413: Correct speling is essential. 3834514: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with. 3834615: While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally 38347 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not 38348 become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation. 38349% 38350Rules for Writers: 38351 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double 38352negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; 38353and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and 38354omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are 38355unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with 38356a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens. 38357Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing. 38358Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on 38359us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have 38360snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've 38361told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also, 38362avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional 38363phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of 38364death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'" 38365% 38366RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 38367 1. Never eat on an empty stomach. 38368 2. Never leave the table hungry. 38369 3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 38370 4. Enjoy your food. 38371 5. Enjoy your companion's food. 38372 6. Really taste your food. It may take several portions to 38373 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 38374 7. Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for 38375 example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie. 38376 Which feels better against your cheeks? 38377 8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 38378 9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You can 38379 always eat it later. 38380 10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 38381 11. Avoid blue food. 38382 -- The Bronx Diet, "Richard Smith" 38383% 38384Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish. 38385 -- Lao Tsu 38386% 38387Rune's Rule: 38388 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. 38389% 38390Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant. 38391 -- John Cameron Swayze 38392% 38393Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week, 38394he might have lasted a long time and become a great star. 38395 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change 38396 from being a pitcher to an outfielder. 38397 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 38398% 38399Ryan's Law: 38400 Make three correct guesses consecutively 38401 and you will establish yourself as an expert. 38402% 38403Sacher's Observation: 38404 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell. 38405% 38406Sacred cows make great hamburgers. 38407% 38408SADISM: 38409 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist. 38410% 38411sadoequinecrophilia, n: 38412 Beating a dead horse. 38413% 38414Safety Third. 38415% 38416Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 38417 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. 38418 38419 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, 38420 bugs, ants. 38421 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships. 38422 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 38423 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter. 38424 5. Exotic birds flock around you. 38425 6. People ignore you at parties. 38426 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 38427 8. You no longer get off on cocaine. 38428% 38429SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE: 38430 38431 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the 38432Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered 38433to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international 38434space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would 38435violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by 38436turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction 38437center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place. 38438% 38439SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) 38440 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless 38441 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of 38442 Sagitarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at 38443 you a great deal. 38444% 38445SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) 38446 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding 38447 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and 38448 obnoxious self. Call your mother. 38449% 38450SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21) 38451 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will 38452 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue 38453 impulse you have to push her out into traffic. 38454% 38455Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I 38456got started one night when George came home and found one burning in 38457the ashtray." 38458% 38459Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. 38460 -- Heard on Noahs' ark 38461% 38462Sailors in ships, sail on! 38463Even while we died, others rode out the storm. 38464% 38465Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent. 38466 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi" 38467% 38468Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed 38469in small amounts over a long period of time. 38470 -- George Carlin 38471% 38472Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings 38473 with me. 38474Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained 38475 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not 38476 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around 38477 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry. 38478Sally: It's called "trust," Ted. 38479Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into 38480 uncharted waters here. 38481 -- Sally Forth 38482% 38483Sam: What do you know there, Norm? 38484Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me? 38485 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 38486 38487Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm? 38488Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead. 38489 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 38490 38491Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson? 38492Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room. 38493 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 38494% 38495Sam: What's the good word, Norm? 38496Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. 38497Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer... 38498Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah... 38499Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up. 38500 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday 38501 38502Sam: Whaddya say, Norm? 38503Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes. 38504 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor 38505 38506Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson? 38507Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer. 38508 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie 38509% 38510Sam: What do you say, Norm? 38511Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer. 38512 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice 38513 38514Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie? 38515Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town? 38516 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up 38517 38518Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody. 38519All: Norm! (Norman.) 38520Sam: Still pouring, Norm? 38521Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing. 38522 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare 38523% 38524Sam: What's going on, Normie? 38525Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in 38526 it, and I'll blow out my liver. 38527 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone 38528 38529Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin? 38530Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut. 38531 Found him every couple of blocks. 38532 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill 38533% 38534Sam: What's new, Norm? 38535Norm: Most of my wife. 38536 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One 38537 38538Coach: Beer, Norm? 38539Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it. 38540 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone 38541 38542Coach: What's doing, Norm? 38543Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen 38544 to be the guinea pig. 38545 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways 38546% 38547SAN DIEGO: 38548 Four million people, where you can't get a 38549 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try. 38550% 38551SAN FRANCISCO: 38552 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. 38553% 38554San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the 38555people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When 38556they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me. 38557One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo. 38558 -- George Halas, professional footbal coach 38559% 38560San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. 38561 -- Herb Caen 38562% 38563Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line. 38564% 38565Sank heaven for leetle curls. 38566% 38567Santa Claus is watching! 38568% 38569Santa Claus wears a red suit 38570He's a Communist. 38571 38572He has long hair and a beard 38573Must be a pacifist. 38574 38575And what's in the pipe that he's smoking? 38576 38577Santa Claus comes in your house at night. 38578He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight. 38579 38580Why do police guys beat on peace guys? 38581 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus" 38582% 38583 38584SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE 38585MICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR! 38586 38587 38588 \__\_ :. ___/ 38589 ..\ /-- 38590 :.______ : .:* : . _ .: :.. . : . . : ()_ .: 38591 (( \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/ *\_o 38592====(( \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. . ()_______/\\ __-' 38593 \____(( \ ()oo()_/ /.: : ..________/_____ll -/.: .. 38594 ( (( \(())))__/ . .. \\.: ..( ) ll ( l_.: 38595( / (( \__*__)___:___ : : )) .) /--------\ \ \ 38596( / ((_____________) .. // . / / /..:: . )_)_\ 38597 (____/_____________________\__// : /_/_/ :.. :/_/ \_\ 38598 /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ /_/_/ 38599 38600 38601% 38602Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. 38603% 38604Satellite Safety Tip #14: 38605 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. 38606% 38607Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. 38608% 38609Satire is tragedy plus time. 38610 -- Lenny Bruce 38611% 38612Satire is what closes in New Haven. 38613% 38614Satire is what closes Saturday night. 38615 -- George Kaufman 38616% 38617Sattinger's Law: 38618 It works better if you plug it in. 38619% 38620Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, 38621Is like being nowhere at all, 38622All through the day how the hours rush by, 38623You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. 38624 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" 38625% 38626Satyrs have more faun. 38627% 38628Savage's Law of Expediency: 38629 You want it bad, you'll get it bad. 38630% 38631Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be 38632surprised at how little you have. 38633 -- Ernest Haskins 38634% 38635Save energy: Drive a smaller shell. 38636% 38637Save energy: be apathetic. 38638% 38639Save gas, don't eat beans. 38640% 38641Save gas, don't use the shell. 38642% 38643Save the bales! 38644% 38645Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 38646% 38647Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds! 38648% 38649Say! You've struck a heap of trouble-- 38650Bust in business, lost your wife; 38651No one cares a cent about you, 38652You don't care a cent for life; 38653Hard luck has of hope bereft you, 38654Health is failing, wish you'd die-- 38655Why, you've still the sunshine left you 38656And the big blue sky. 38657 -- R.W. Service 38658% 38659Say it with flowers, 38660Or say it with mink, 38661But whatever you do, 38662Don't say it with ink! 38663 -- Jimmie Durante 38664% 38665Say many of cameras focused t'us, 38666Our middle-aged shots do us justice. 38667No justice, please, curse ye! 38668We really want mercy: 38669You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us. 38670 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt 38671% 38672Say my love is easy had, 38673Say I'm bitten raw with pride, 38674Say I am too often sad -- 38675Still behold me at your side. 38676 38677Say I'm neither brave nor young, 38678Say I woo and coddle care, 38679Say the devil touched my tongue, 38680Still you have my heart to wear. 38681 38682But say my verses do not scan, 38683And I get me another man! 38684 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words" 38685% 38686Say no, then negotiate. 38687 -- Helga 38688% 38689Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies. 38690% 38691Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout. 38692% 38693SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! 38694 -- Ken Thompson 38695% 38696SCENARIO: 38697 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in 38698 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in 38699 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case. 38700% 38701Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful. 38702% 38703Scene: 38704 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living 38705room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and 38706white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in 38707filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his 38708shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy 38709intently watching him. 38710 38711Caption: 38712 "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you. 38713% 38714Schapiro's Explanation: 38715 The grass is always greener on the other side -- 38716 but that's because they use more manure. 38717% 38718Schizophrenia beats being alone. 38719% 38720schlattwhapper, n: 38721 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, 38722 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. 38723 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 38724% 38725Schmidt's Observation: 38726 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap 38727 than a thin person. 38728% 38729Science and religion are in full accord but 38730science and faith are in complete discord. 38731% 38732Science Fiction, Double Feature. 38733Frank has built and lost his creature. 38734Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet. 38735The servants gone to a distant planet. 38736Wo, oh, oh, oh. 38737At the late night, double feature, Picture show. 38738I want to go, oh, oh, oh. 38739To the late night, double feature, Picture show. 38740 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 38741% 38742Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a 38743collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones 38744is a house. 38745 -- Jules Henri Poincare 38746% 38747Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing. 38748% 38749Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. 38750% 38751Science may someday discover what faith has always known. 38752% 38753Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art! 38754Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes. 38755Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart, 38756Vulture, whose wings are dull realities? 38757How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise? 38758Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering 38759To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies, 38760Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing? 38761Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car? 38762And driven the Hamadryad from the wood 38763To seek a shelter in some happier star? 38764Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood, 38765The Elfin from the green grass, and from me 38766The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree? 38767 -- Edgar Allen Poe, "Science, a Sonnet" 38768% 38769Scientists still know less about what attracts men 38770than they do about what attracts mosquitoes. 38771 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers, 38772 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men" 38773% 38774Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question. 38775They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that 38776was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were 38777linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights 38778started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there 38779was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky, 38780struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently 38781together. "There is now", came the reply. 38782% 38783Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific, 38784Fain how I pause at your nature specific, 38785Loftily poised in the ether capacious, 38786Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous. 38787Scintilate, scintilate, globule vivific, 38788Fain how I pause at your nature specific. 38789% 38790Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance. 38791% 38792SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) 38793 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve 38794 the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most 38795 Scorpio people are murdered. 38796% 38797SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) 38798 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check 38799 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want 38800 to throw up. Knock it off. 38801% 38802SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21) 38803 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million 38804 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to 38805 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance 38806 to win. You never learn. 38807% 38808Scott's First Law: 38809 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. 38810 38811Scott's Second Law: 38812 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found 38813 to have been wrong in the first place. 38814Corollary: 38815 After the correction has been found in error, it will be 38816 impossible to fit the original quantity back into the 38817 equation. 38818% 38819Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! 38820Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? 38821Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. 38822Kirk: Then it's of external origin? 38823Spock: Affirmative. 38824Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. 38825Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. 38826% 38827Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug 38828Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug 38829And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 38830Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, 38831Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall 38832And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 38833And we've also found Just flip one switch 38834When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch 38835You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble 38836Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash. 38837Now the CPU won't run When the CPU 38838And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo," 38839 The system is going to crash. 38840 -- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along 38841% 38842Scratch the disks! 38843Drop the core! 38844Roll the tapes across the floor! 38845% 38846Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. 38847% 38848SCRIBLINE: 38849 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes. 38850 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 38851% 38852'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky! 38853 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix 38854% 38855Sears has everything. 38856% 38857Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks. 38858% 38859Second Law of Business Meetings: 38860 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you 38861 will pick the wrong one. 38862 38863Corollary: 38864 If there is only one way to spell a name, 38865 you will spell it wrong, anyway. 38866% 38867Second Law of Final Exams: 38868 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most 38869 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you. 38870% 38871Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. 38872% 38873Secretary's Revenge: 38874 Filing almost everything under "the". 38875% 38876Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! 38877% 38878Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes? 38879[Who guards the Guardians?] 38880% 38881Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. 38882She scissored short. Sorely shorn, 38883Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, 38884Silently scheming, 38885Sightlessly seeking 38886Some savage, spectacular suicide. 38887 -- Stanislaw Lem 38888% 38889See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause 38890the second one should have seen it. 38891% 38892Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what 38893was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney 38894who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to 38895himself to demonstrate his committment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and 38896asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation. 38897 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so 38898far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches." 38899% 38900Seeing is believing. 38901You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it. 38902% 38903Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing. 38904 -- James Thurber 38905% 38906Seeing that death, a necessary end, 38907Will come when it will come. 38908 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 38909% 38910Seek simplicity -- and distrust it. 38911 -- Alfred North Whitehead 38912% 38913Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were 38914driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the 38915mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by 38916luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged 38917rocks. They all got out of the car: 38918 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it." 38919 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it 38920into town and have a specialist look at it." 38921 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back 38922in and see if it does it again." 38923% 38924Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription 38925counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help 38926you?". 38927 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please." 38928 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would 38929you like me to put it on your bill?" 38930 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?" 38931% 38932Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans 38933to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, 38934the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. 38935During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's 38936work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your 38937dreams!" 38938 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. 38939Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is 38940completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and 38941other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields 38942are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. 38943"Look what God and you have accomplished together!" 38944 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was 38945like when God was working it alone!" 38946% 38947Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska, 38948and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash 38949register. 38950 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?" 38951 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man. 38952 "GRIZZLIES?!?!" 38953 "A few." 38954 "Got any bear bells?" 38955 "What's that?" 38956 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so 38957bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black 38958bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly 38959country, anyhow?" 38960 "Look fer scatt. Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt." 38961 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?" 38962 "Bear bells." 38963% 38964Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll. 38965Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?" 38966 38967In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?" 38968In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?" 38969In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?" 38970In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?" 38971% 38972Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his 38973doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man 38974that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more 38975months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation. 38976Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously, 38977and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better. 38978He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him 38979up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve." 38980 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?" 38981 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within 38982a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne 38983out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth. 38984When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy 38985some new underwear. 38986 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34." 38987 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The 38988salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing 38989that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts. 38990 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you, 38991you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches." 38992% 38993Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for 38994Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed. 38995% 38996Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! 38997 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 38998% 38999Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: 39000 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily. 39001% 39002semper en excretus 39003% 39004SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!! 39005% 39006Send some filthy mail. 39007% 39008Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root. 39009 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide" 39010% 39011SENILITY: 39012 The state of mind of elderly persons 39013 with whom one happens to disagree. 39014% 39015Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very 39016little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists. 39017In fact he is further to the right than General Batista. 39018 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958 39019% 39020Sentient plasmoids are a gas. 39021% 39022Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share. 39023 -- Graham Greene 39024% 39025SERENDIPITY: 39026 The process by which human knowledge is advanced. 39027% 39028Serfs up! 39029 -- Spartacus 39030% 39031Serocki's Stricture: 39032 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. 39033% 39034Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 39035% 39036Set the cart before the horse. 39037 -- John Heywood 39038% 39039Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a 39040swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were 39041there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages 39042retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby, 39043some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the 39044fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite 39045loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security 39046guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's 39047anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 39048% 39049Sex and drugs and rock and roll, 39050Is all my brain and body need. 39051Sex and drugs and rock and roll, 39052Are very good indeed. 39053 39054Take your silly ways, 39055Throw them out the window, 39056The wisdom of your ways, 39057I've been there and I know, 39058Lots of other ways... 39059 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties" 39060% 39061Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly. 39062% 39063Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it. 39064 -- Lewis Grizzard 39065% 39066Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich, 39067if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important. 39068 -- Ian Dury 39069% 39070Sex is an emotion in motion. 39071 -- Mae West 39072% 39073"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is 39074for diet Coke." 39075 -- Malcolm DacDougall 39076% 39077Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. 39078 -- Garrison Keillor 39079% 39080Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad, 39081it's still darn tasty! 39082% 39083Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are 39084unimportant. 39085 -- Henry Miller 39086% 39087Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. 39088 -- M.C. Reed 39089% 39090Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the 39091most amount of trouble. 39092 -- John Barrymore 39093% 39094Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is 39095repeated until infinity. 39096 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist 39097 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines, 39098 1973. 39099% 39100Sex without love is an empty experience, but, 39101as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. 39102 -- Woody Allen 39103% 39104Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon 39105how children do not come into the world. 39106 -- Karl Kraus 39107% 39108Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so! 39109% 39110Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: 39111always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary? 39112 -- J.M. Barrie 39113% 39114Shame is an improper emotion invented by 39115pietists to oppress the human race. 39116 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria" 39117% 39118Shannon's Observation 39119 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation 39120 that is beginning to improve. 39121% 39122share, n: 39123 To give in, endure humiliation. 39124% 39125Shaw's Principle: 39126 Build a system that even a fool can use, 39127 and only a fool will want to use it. 39128% 39129She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking 39130good. 39131 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" 39132% 39133She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, 39134containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax 39135for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having 39136the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use. 39137 39138In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick, 39139not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the 39140worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it." 39141 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House" 39142% 39143She asked me, "What's your sign?" 39144I blinked and answered "Neon," 39145I thought I'd blow her mind... 39146% 39147She been married so many times 39148she got rice marks all over her face. 39149 -- Tom Waits 39150% 39151She blinded me with science! 39152% 39153She can kill all your files; 39154She can freeze with a frown. 39155And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down. 39156And she works on her code until ten after three. 39157She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me. 39158 -- Apologies to Billy Joel 39159% 39160She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. 39161 -- Tommy Manville 39162% 39163She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud. 39164% 39165She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. 39166 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 39167% 39168She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few 39169years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and 39170left. Excited a few men in the meantime. 39171 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's 39172 involvement in "The Avengers". 39173% 39174She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him 39175a look that you could have poured on a waffle. 39176% 39177She often gave herself very good advice 39178(though she very seldom followed it). 39179 -- Lewis Carroll 39180% 39181She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'. 39182 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance 39183% 39184She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. 39185Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored 39186women the world would be a different place, I can tell you. 39187 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple" 39188% 39189She sells cshs by the cshore. 39190% 39191She stood on the tracks 39192Waving her arms 39193Leading me to that third rail shock 39194Quick as a wink 39195She changed her mind 39196 39197She gave me a night 39198That's all it was 39199What will it take until I stop 39200Kidding myself 39201Wasting my time 39202 39203There's nothing else I can do 39204'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna 39205I don't want anyone new 39206'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna 39207There's nothing in it for you 39208'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna 39209 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses) 39210% 39211She was bred in ol' Kentucky 39212But she's just a crumb up here 39213She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed 39214With a cauliflower ear 39215Someday we will be married 39216And if vegetables become too dear 39217I'll just cut me a slice of 39218Her cauliflower ear! 39219 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges" 39220% 39221She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is 39222good at being short. 39223 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe 39224% 39225She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still. 39226% 39227She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver. 39228% 39229She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead! 39230% 39231Shedenhelm's Law: 39232 All trails have more uphill sections 39233 than they have downhill sections. 39234% 39235"Shelter", what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat. 39236% 39237Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then 39238turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a 39239bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last 39240night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British 39241aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.' 39242 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton 39243 bad fiction contest. 39244% 39245Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken 39246him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of 39247stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. 39248 -- Samuel Johnson 39249% 39250Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken 39251him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess 39252of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. 39253 -- Samuel Johnson 39254% 39255She's learned to say things with her eyes 39256that others waste time putting into words. 39257% 39258She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer. 39259% 39260She's such a kinky girl, 39261The kind you don't take home to mother. 39262She will never let your spirits down 39263Once you get her off the street. 39264% 39265She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. 39266 -- Mae West 39267% 39268Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits... 39269% 39270Shick's Law: 39271 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. 39272% 39273Shift to the left, 39274Shift to the right, 39275Mask in, mask out, 39276BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!! 39277% 39278SHIFT TO THE LEFT! 39279SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! 39280POP UP, PUSH DOWN, 39281BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! 39282% 39283Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there. 39284% 39285Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks 39286in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was 39287laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society 39288of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable 39289comments: 39290 39291 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..." 39292 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..." 39293 "A man for all seasons. Really..." 39294 39295After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful 39296it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead 39297body join her long dead brain. 39298% 39299Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, 39300they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee. 39301 -- Terry Southern 39302% 39303Short people get rained on last. 39304% 39305Show business is just like high school, except you get paid. 39306 -- Martin Mull 39307% 39308Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot. 39309Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade. 39310 -- Leo Durocher 39311% 39312Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll 39313show you a man who playing golf with his boss. 39314% 39315Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. 39316% 39317Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response. 39318% 39319Showing up is 80% of life. 39320 -- Woody Allen 39321% 39322Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer. 39323 -- Voltaire 39324% 39325Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. 39326[If youth but knew, if old age but could.] 39327 -- Henri Estienne 39328% 39329Sic transit gloria Monday! 39330% 39331Sic transit gloria mundi. 39332[So passes away the glory of this world.] 39333 -- Thomas a Kempis 39334% 39335Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi. 39336% 39337Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art. 39338% 39339Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips. 39340% 39341Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. 39342 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet 39343% 39344Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak 39345up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to 39346raise bloody hell. 39347 -- Herbert Block 39348% 39349Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves. 39350 -- Thomas Carlyle 39351% 39352Silence is the only virtue you have left. 39353% 39354sillema sillema nika su 39355[translation: look it up...hint-fin] 39356% 39357Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 39358% 39359Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking 39360a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the 39361carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed 39362the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out 39363of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest 39364intersection in town. BUT! 39365 39366Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... 39367BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL! 39368 39369Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient. 39370She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage. 39371(OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty! 39372And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT! 39373 39374Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... 39375BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN! 39376% 39377Silverman's Law: 39378 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 39379% 39380Simon's Law: 39381 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. 39382% 39383Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it. 39384% 39385Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials. 39386 -- Hubert Kirrman 39387% 39388Sin boldly. 39389 -- Martin Luther 39390% 39391Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. 39392% 39393Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. 39394All other "sins" are invented nonsense. 39395(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid). 39396 -- Lazarus Long 39397% 39398Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised 39399when others believe him. 39400 -- Charles DeGaulle 39401% 39402Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace! 39403% 39404Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space, 39405cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward 39406this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune. 39407% 39408Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, 39409having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well 39410burst out in laughter. 39411 -- Long Chen Pa 39412% 39413Since I hurt my pendulum 39414My life is all erratic. 39415My parrot who was cordial 39416Is now transmitting static. 39417The carpet died, a palm collapsed, 39418The cat keeps doing poo. 39419The only thing that keeps me sane 39420Is talking to my shoe. 39421 -- My Shoe 39422% 39423Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos. 39424 -- Tom Stoppard 39425% 39426Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're 39427alive. 39428 -- John Sloan 39429% 39430Sink or Swim with Teddy! 39431% 39432Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever. 39433% 39434Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable. 39435 -- CP30 39436% 39437[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues 39438I dislike and none of the vices I admire. 39439 -- Winston Churchill 39440% 39441Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of 39442Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from 39443loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!" 39444 39445God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all 39446the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way. 39447It'll cost you though". 39448 39449"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and 39450the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?" 39451 39452"An arm and a leg", said God. 39453 39454Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get 39455for a rib?" 39456% 39457Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful 39458objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill 39459gives us modern art. 39460 -- Tom Stoppard 39461% 39462Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): 39463 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, 39464 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you 39465 should have gotten. 39466% 39467skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil 39468h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui135 2 39469kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[, 39470 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf'] 39471 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y 39472 39473 39474Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it! 39475% 39476Slang is language that takes off its coat, 39477spits on its hands, and goes to work. 39478% 39479Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when 39480a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent 39481songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as 39482those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether 39483beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep, 39484breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest 39485anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God 39486for deliverance from chains. 39487 -- Frederick Douglass 39488% 39489Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink. 39490 -- W.C. Fields 39491% 39492Sleep is for the weak and sickly. 39493% 39494Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 39495 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 39496 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 39497 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is 39498 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is 39499 attracted to dark objects. 39500% 39501Slous' Contention: 39502 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. 39503% 39504Slow day. 39505Practice crawling. 39506% 39507SLURM: 39508 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it 39509 sits in the dish too long. 39510 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 39511% 39512Small change can often be found under seat cushions. 39513% 39514Small is beautiful. 39515 -- Schumacher's Dictum 39516% 39517Small things make base men proud. 39518 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 39519% 39520Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my 39521teacher was in my class for five years. 39522 -- George Burns 39523% 39524Smear the road with a runner!! 39525% 39526Smile! You're on Candid Camera. 39527% 39528Smile, Cthulu Loathes You. 39529% 39530Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult. 39531 -- Fran Lebowitz 39532% 39533SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!! 39534 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the 39535 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS), 39536 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on 39537 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be 39538 filed 30 days in advance. 39539% 39540Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 39541 -- Fletcher Knebel 39542% 39543Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts. 39544% 39545Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure! 39546 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office 39547% 39548SNACKTREK: 39549 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly 39550 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will 39551 have materialized. 39552 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 39553% 39554Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? 39555% 39556SNAPPY REPARTEE: 39557 What you'd say if you had another chance. 39558% 39559Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from. 39560% 39561Snow and adolescence are the only problems 39562that disappear if you ignore them long enough. 39563% 39564Snow Day -- stay home. 39565% 39566Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours 39567shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she 39568mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks 39569for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right 39570with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps 39571the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come." 39572% 39573So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they 39574go to work? 39575% 39576So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making. 39577A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force 39578they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because 39579of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose 39580only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only 39581purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of 39582strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force. 39583Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore. 39584 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193 39585% 39586So far as I can remember, there is not one 39587word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. 39588 -- Bertrand Russell 39589% 39590So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far 39591as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical 39592way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist. 39593 -- T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire 39594% 39595So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course 39596of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a 39597friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth 39598could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could 39599use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely- 39600for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible 39601the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to 39602extrapolate the location of their kitchens). 39603 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost" 39604% 39605So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back? 39606% 39607So, if there's no God, who changes the water? 39608 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl 39609% 39610So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. 39611 -- Yogi Berra 39612% 39613So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as 39614large as it needs to be? 39615% 39616So little time, so little to do. 39617 -- Oscar Levant 39618% 39619So live that you wouldn't be ashamed 39620to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. 39621% 39622So many beautiful women and so little time. 39623 -- John Barrymore 39624% 39625So many men and so little time. 39626% 39627So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way. 39628 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 39629% 39630So many women, and so little time! 39631% 39632So many women, so little nerve. 39633% 39634So much food, and so little time! 39635% 39636So much 39637depends 39638upon 39639a red 39640 39641wheel 39642barrow 39643glazed with 39644 39645rain 39646water 39647beside 39648the white 39649chickens. 39650 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow" 39651% 39652So now 39653that you have- 39654 39655you know, whoever 39656 39657you're trying 39658to do 39659 39660a favor 39661for 39662 39663-you've done it- 39664 39665and I'm sure 39666you had 39667 39668a smirk 39669on your mouth 39670 39671as you got me 39672into this. 39673 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, 39674 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio. 39675 From SPY Magazine, November 1992 39676% 39677So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and 39678at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into 39679the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married 39680the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum 39681himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing 39682the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of 39683their boots. 39684 -- Samuel Foote 39685% 39686So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; 39687and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head 39688into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently 39689married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand 39690Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all 39691fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran 39692out at the heels of their boots. 39693 -- Samuel Foote 39694% 39695So so is good, very good, very excellent good: 39696and yet it is not; it is but so so. 39697 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 39698% 39699So... so you think you can tell 39700Heaven from Hell? 39701Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade 39702Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts? 39703From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees? 39704A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze? 39705Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change? 39706 Did you exchange 39707 A walk on part in a war 39708 For the lead role in a cage? 39709 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here" 39710% 39711So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their procedure is 39712to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the 39713waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is 39714bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries. Once the 39715sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless. The general shark attitude 39716seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary." So the divers have to somehow 39717goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know 39718very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will 39719say, in a deeply scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this 39720Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind 39721of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 39722then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very dangerous 39723development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. 39724 -- Dave Barry 39725% 39726So this it it. We're going to die. 39727% 39728So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? 39729And why can't he ever remember his Bible? 39730% 39731So, you better watch out! 39732You better not cry! 39733You better not pout! 39734I'm telling you why, 39735Santa Claus is coming, to town. 39736 39737He knows when you've been sleeping, 39738He know when you're awake. 39739He knows if you've been bad or good, 39740He has ties with the CIA. 39741So... 39742% 39743"So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might 39744 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime." 39745"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David." 39746"Friday, then?" 39747"Why not, David, it might even be fun." 39748 -- Dating in Minnesota 39749% 39750So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality all 39751core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have tomorrow, 39752why, it already happened. You see, its just a little universal recursive joke 39753which threads our lives through the infinite potential of the instant. So go 39754to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment and cast you out of the 39755safe security of the instant into the dark void of eternity, the anti-time. 39756So go to sleep, ... 39757% 39758So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality 39759all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have 39760tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal 39761recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of 39762the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment 39763and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of 39764eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep... 39765% 39766So you think that money is the root of all evil. 39767Have you ever asked what is the root of money? 39768 -- Ayn Rand 39769% 39770So you're back... about time... 39771% 39772Soap and education are not as sudden as a 39773massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. 39774 -- Mark Twain 39775% 39776SOCIALISM: 39777 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour. 39778COMMUNISM: 39779 You have two cows. 39780 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk. 39781CAPITALISM: 39782 You sell one cow and buy a bull. 39783FACISM: 39784 You have two cows. Give milk to the government. 39785 The government sells it. 39786NAZISM: 39787 The government shoots you and takes the cows. 39788NEW DEALISM: 39789 The government shoots one cow, 39790 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. 39791ANARCHISM: 39792 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government. 39793CONSERVATISM: 39794 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows. 39795% 39796Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run 39797like a staff function." 39798 -- Paul Licker 39799% 39800Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 39801"user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all 39802the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover. 39803 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc. 39804% 39805Soldiers who wish to be a hero 39806Are practically zero, 39807But those who wish to be civilians, 39808They run into the millions. 39809% 39810Solipsists of the World... you are already united. 39811 -- Kayvan Sylvan 39812% 39813Solutions are obvious if one only has the 39814optical power to observe them over the horizon. 39815 -- K.A. Arsdall 39816% 39817Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, 39818and some few to be chewed and digested. 39819 -- Francis Bacon 39820 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.] 39821% 39822Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them. 39823Others are so fast, they don't notice you. 39824% 39825Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, 39826as when you find a trout in the milk. 39827 -- Thoreau 39828% 39829Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. 39830% 39831Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning. 39832% 39833Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. 39834 -- Ed Howe 39835% 39836Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right 39837places! 39838 -- Mae West 39839% 39840Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, 39841and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. 39842 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 39843% 39844Some men are discovered; others are found out. 39845% 39846Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think 39847about sex at all... they become lawyers. 39848 -- Woody Allen 39849% 39850Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness 39851that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it. 39852% 39853Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit. 39854 -- Maureen Murphy 39855% 39856Some men feel that the only thing they owe 39857the woman who marries them is a grudge. 39858 -- Helen Rowland 39859% 39860Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear 39861lest she should catch a cold on overexposure. 39862 -- Samuel Butler 39863% 39864Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen. 39865 -- Woodie Guthrie 39866% 39867Some men who fear that they are playing 39868second fiddle aren't in the band at all. 39869% 39870Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is. 39871The answer is: I don't know. 39872Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast? 39873% 39874Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the 39875old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent 39876I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the 3987713th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is 39878the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some 39879Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the 39880Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is 39881an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of 39882"lekare". 39883 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist 39884 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with 39885 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring 39886 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the 39887 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given 39888 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail, 39889 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he 39890 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what 39891 he received, shame and wounds." 39892% 39893Some of the things that live the longest 39894in peoples' memories never really happened. 39895% 39896Some of them want to use you, 39897Some of them want to be used by you, 39898...Everybody's looking for something. 39899 -- Eurythmics 39900% 39901Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. 39902 -- Gloria Steinem 39903% 39904Some parts of the past must be preserved, 39905and some of the future prevented at all costs. 39906% 39907Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. 39908 -- Stephen Wright 39909% 39910Some people around here wouldn't recognize 39911subtlety if it hit them on the head. 39912% 39913Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional 39914transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into 39915two-dimensional ones. 39916 -- F. Frederick Skitty 39917% 39918Some people carve careers, others chisel them. 39919% 39920Some people cause happiness wherever 39921they go; others, whenever they go. 39922% 39923Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, 39924but at least you only have to climb it once. 39925% 39926Some people have a great ambition: to build something 39927that will last, at least until they've finished building it. 39928% 39929Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have 39930only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." 39931% 39932Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled. 39933% 39934Some people have parts that are so private 39935they themselves have no knowledge of them. 39936% 39937Some people live life in the fast lane. 39938You're in oncoming traffic. 39939% 39940Some people manage by the book, even though they 39941don't know who wrote the book or even what book. 39942% 39943Some people need a good imaginary cure 39944for their painful imaginary ailment. 39945% 39946Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed. 39947% 39948Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for. 39949% 39950Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a 39951rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best. 39952 -- P.J. O'Rourke 39953% 39954Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains. 39955They say things they haven't even thought of yet. 39956% 39957Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. 39958% 39959Some say the world will end in fire, 39960Some say in ice. 39961From what I've tasted of desire 39962I hold with those who favor fire. 39963But if it had to perish twice 39964I think I know enough of hate 39965To say that for destruction, ice 39966Is also great 39967And would suffice 39968 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice" 39969% 39970Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books. 39971 -- Folk saying 39972% 39973Some things have to be believed to be seen. 39974% 39975Somebody left the cork out of my lunch. 39976 -- W.C. Fields 39977% 39978Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers 39979so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear. 39980% 39981Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road, 39982Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code, 39983Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck, 39984When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck. 39985 39986Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise, 39987Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice. 39988Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat, 39989That don't smell very nice -- 39990He's nobody's moggy now. 39991 39992Oh you who love your pussy, 39993Be sure to keep him in. 39994Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play 39995The truck is bound to win. On the road way 39996And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that, 39997Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing 39998If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!" 39999It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat! 40000 And your pussy will be slightly dead, 40001He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat! 40002Just red and squashed and soggy -- 40003He's nobody's moggy now. 40004 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper" 40005% 40006Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. 40007I found a pile of them over in the corner. 40008% 40009Someday somebody has got to decide whether the 40010typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it. 40011% 40012Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will 40013probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a 40014blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh. 40015 -- Mister Boffo 40016% 40017Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. 40018 -- Evan Davis 40019% 40020Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it? 40021% 40022Someday your prints will come. 40023 -- Kodak 40024% 40025Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing 40026when I was passing through satisfaction. 40027 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 40028% 40029Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it. 40030% 40031Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York 40032City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to 40033Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound." 40034 -- David Letterman 40035% 40036Someone is speaking well of you. 40037% 40038Someone is speaking well of you. 40039How unusual! 40040% 40041Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. 40042% 40043Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. 40044% 40045Someone will try to honk your nose today. 40046% 40047Something better... 40048 40049 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? 40050 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow. 40051 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore 40052 something larger. Like ... Wyoming. 40053 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us. 40054 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen 40055 minutes late. 40056 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your 40057 own ear. 40058 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't 40059 mind putting that thing away. 40060 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important. 40061 It's what's in it that matters. 40062 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye 40063 Seattle. 4006410 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95. 4006511 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps 40066 changing tempo. 4006712 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose." 40068 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" 40069% 40070Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth. 40071 -- Benjamin Disraeli 40072% 40073Something's rotten in the state of Denmark. 40074 -- Shakespeare 40075% 40076Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder... 40077and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn. 40078 -- N.V. Plyter 40079% 40080Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. 40081 -- Sigmund Freud 40082% 40083Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a 40084fool is despised only because he is a lawyer. 40085 -- Montesquieu 40086% 40087Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm 40088smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them. 40089 -- Richard M. Nixon 40090% 40091Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. 40092 -- Seneca 40093% 40094Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away, 40095Looking at me, I got nothin' to say. 40096Don't make me angry with the things games that you play, 40097Either light up or leave me alone. 40098% 40099Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and 40100the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the 40101world. 40102 -- Robert Stone 40103% 40104Sometimes I live in the country, 40105And sometimes I live in town. 40106And sometimes I have a great notion, 40107To jump in the river and drown. 40108% 40109Sometimes I simply feel that the whole 40110world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray. 40111% 40112Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. 40113Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever. 40114 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame" 40115% 40116Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. 40117 -- Lily Tomlin 40118% 40119Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes. 40120 -- Repo Man 40121% 40122Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools. 40123% 40124SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw 40125back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears 40126me because I am beautiful. 40127 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 40128% 40129Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something. 40130% 40131Sometimes the light is all shining on me, 40132Other times I can hardly see. 40133Lately it occurs to me 40134What a long strange trip it's been. 40135 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty" 40136% 40137Sometimes, too long is too long. 40138 -- Joe Crowe 40139% 40140Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel 40141like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat 40142before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and 40143forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity. 40144 -- Snoopy 40145% 40146Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means 40147to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her. 40148 -- Andy Capp 40149% 40150Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone 40151else is driving. 40152 -- David Letterman 40153% 40154Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living. 40155% 40156Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. 40157% 40158Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a 40159woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. 40160 -- Sam Levenson 40161% 40162Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. 40163 -- Carl Sagan 40164% 40165Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which 40166the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can 40167make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears. 40168But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider. 40169 -- Sky Masterson's Father 40170% 40171Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. 40172(Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie). 40173% 40174Sorry. Nice try. 40175% 40176Sorry never means having you're say to love. 40177% 40178Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly 40179big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the 40180drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. 40181 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 40182% 40183Space is to place as eternity is to time. 40184 -- Joseph Joubert 40185% 40186Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve. 40187 -- Wheeler 40188% 40189Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. 40190Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life 40191and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before. 40192 -- Captain James T. Kirk 40193% 40194SPAGMUMPS: 40195 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items. 40196 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 40197% 40198Speak roughly to your little boy, 40199 And beat him when he sneezes: 40200He only does it to annoy 40201 Because he knows it teases. 40202 40203 Wow! wow! wow! 40204 40205I speak severely to my boy, 40206 And beat him when he sneezes: 40207For he can thoroughly enjoy 40208 The pepper when he pleases! 40209 40210 Wow! wow! wow! 40211% 40212Speak roughly to your little Vax, 40213And boot it when it crashes; 40214It knows that one cannot relax 40215Because the paging thrashes! 40216 40217I speak severely to my Vax, 40218And boot it when it crashes; 40219In spite of all my favorite hacks, 40220My jobs it always trashes! 40221% 40222Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. 40223% 40224"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though 40225ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, 40226mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, 40227thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has 40228moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust, 40229and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate 40230earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful 40231water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or 40232diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers 40233would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when 40234leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting 40235wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the 40236murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell 40237into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed 40238on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would 40239have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has 40240seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one 40241syllable is thine!" 40242 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick" 40243% 40244Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure 40245that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing, 40246all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third? 40247Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the 40248result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure 40249parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different 40250types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a 40251recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language 40252so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? 40253% 40254Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these 40255days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate 40256with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children 40257who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in 40258these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours 40259bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't 40260communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up! 40261 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" 40262% 40263Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's 40264on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites! 40265% 40266Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!! 40267Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited 40268young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate 40269students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions. 40270Faculty members especially welcome. 40271% 40272Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the 40273motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, 40274when the driver will be permitted to make what he can. 40275 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907 40276% 40277Spence's Admonition: 40278 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane. 40279% 40280Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. 40281% 40282SPINSTER: 40283 A bachelor's wife. 40284% 40285SPIRTLE: 40286 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands 40287 right in your eye. 40288 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 40289% 40290Spock: The odds of surviving another 40291attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain. 40292% 40293Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain. 40294% 40295SPOUSE: 40296 Someone who'll stand by you through all the 40297 trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. 40298% 40299Spring is here, spring is here, 40300Life is skittles and life is beer. 40301% 40302SQUATCHO: 40303 The button at the top of a baseball cap. 40304 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 40305% 40306Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick. 40307% 40308St. Patrick was a gentleman 40309who through strategy and stealth 40310drove all the snakes from Ireland. 40311Here's a toasting to his health -- 40312but not too many toastings 40313lest you lose yourself and then 40314forget the good St. Patrick 40315and see all those snakes again. 40316% 40317Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion. 40318% 40319Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes. 40320% 40321Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last 40322words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are 40323now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice." 40324 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under 40325his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2. 40326 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't 40327open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well, 40328open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if 40329after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And 40330with a gasp Stalin breathed his last. 40331 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems -- 40332unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it 40333was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!" 40334So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin 40335for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system. 40336 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much 40337deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter. 40338 All it said was: "Write two letters." 40339% 40340Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS. 40341% 40342Stamp out philately. 40343% 40344STANDARDS: 40345 The principles we use to reject other people's code. 40346% 40347Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by 40348no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for 40349something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth. 40350 -- Chuang Tzu 40351% 40352Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. 40353% 40354Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men: 40355they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night. 40356% 40357Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; 40358Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest 40359science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all 40360on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up! 40361 -- Harlan Ellison 40362% 40363Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. 40364 -- W.C. Fields 40365% 40366Start the day with a smile. 40367After that you can be your nasty old self again. 40368% 40369State license plates we'd like to see: 40370 40371 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS 40372 LVME 10DR OW-A CAH 40373LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE 40374 40375 HAWAII WISCONSIN 40376 L-O HA CHEDDAR 40377FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE 40378% 40379State license plates we'd like to see: 40380 40381 ALABAMA ARIZONA 40382 IC1 NOW 120 F 40383THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE 40384 40385 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI 40386 5:36 EXP 4I4S2PS 40387WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE 40388 40389 TEXAS FLORIDA 40390 1-2-3 HIKE ZON KED 40391 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER 40392% 40393State license plates we'd like to see: 40394 40395 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA 40396 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X 40397EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE 40398 40399 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY 40400 WL-GOLLY ARG GGH 40401HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE 40402 40403 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC 40404 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC 40405THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810 40406 MOVIE STATE 40407% 40408STATISTICS: 40409 A system for expressing your political 40410 prejudices in convincing scientific guise. 40411% 40412Statistics are no substitute for judgement. 40413 -- Henry Clay 40414% 40415Statistics means never having to say you're certain. 40416% 40417Stay away from flying saucers today. 40418% 40419Stay away from hurricanes for a while. 40420% 40421Stay the curse. 40422% 40423Stay together, drag each other down. 40424% 40425Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time, 40426There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying, 40427One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying, 40428 40429And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late, 40430Though we really did try to make it, 40431Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it... 40432 40433It used to be so easy living here with you, 40434You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do 40435Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool. 40436 40437There'll be good times again for me and you, 40438But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too? 40439But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you... 40440 40441But it's too late baby... 40442It's too late, now darling, it's too late... 40443 -- Carol King, "Tapestry" 40444% 40445Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So 40446long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental 40447hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, 40448its rate is a matter of discretion. 40449 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber" 40450% 40451Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. 40452% 40453Steckel's Rule to Success: 40454 Good enough is never good enough. 40455% 40456Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: 40457 Everybody should believe in something -- 40458 I believe I'll have another drink. 40459% 40460Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays. 40461Embezzlement is another matter. 40462% 40463Stenderup's Law: 40464 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up. 40465% 40466Step back, unbelievers! 40467Or the rain will never come. 40468Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum. 40469You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane, 40470But I swear to you, before this day is out, 40471 you folks are gonna see some rain! 40472% 40473Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle 40474Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad 40475so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he 40476wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's 40477very little call for those up there. 40478 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone 40479% 40480Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth. 40481Say, do you have a map to the next joint? 40482% 40483Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise. 40484 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984 40485% 40486Stock's Observation: 40487 You no sooner get your head above water 40488 but what someone pulls your flippers off. 40489% 40490Stone's Law: 40491 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?" 40492% 40493Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was. 40494And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes 40495in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and 40496Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The 40497way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage 40498on the credulity of human nature. 40499% 40500Stop me, before I kill again! 40501% 40502Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 40503% 40504Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 40505Now, if they'd only take a bath... 40506% 40507Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you. 40508% 40509Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. 40510% 40511Strange things are done to be number one 40512In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs, 40513IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box 40514Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons, 40515And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox 40516But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future 40517Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright, 40518By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold; 40519 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte 40520 Would ship for Celtic gold. 40521The movers came to crate the frame; 40522It weighed a million ton! 40523The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you 40524(the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages; 40525"They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship 40526 spat, What's in your brochure's pages. 40527"Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells 40528"It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver; 40529"And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute 40530 Because they couldn't deliver. 40531 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge" 40532% 40533STRATEGY: 40534 A comprehensive plan of inaction. 40535% 40536Strategy: 40537 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime 40538 after those creating it have left the organization. 40539% 40540Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts. 40541% 40542Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload 40543and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn 40544the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the 40545"Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and 40546implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax 40547and have a nice day. 40548% 40549Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all 40550real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an 40551understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. 40552 -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 40553% 40554Stult's Report: 40555 Our problems are mostly behind us. 40556 What we have to do now is fight the solutions. 40557% 40558STUPID: 40559 Losing $25 on the tackle and $25 on the instant replay. 40560% 40561Stupidity is its own reward. 40562% 40563Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative. 40564% 40565Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re. 40566Se non e vero, e ben trovato. 40567% 40568Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your 40569editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. 40570 -- Mark Twain 40571% 40572Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the 40573way before it is understood. 40574% 40575Subtlety is the art of saying what you think 40576and getting out of the way before it is understood 40577% 40578Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names 40579the streets after them. 40580 -- Bill Vaughn 40581% 40582Success is a journey, not a destination. 40583% 40584Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get. 40585% 40586Success is in the minds of Fools. 40587 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578 40588% 40589Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have 40590made of things. 40591 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion" 40592% 40593Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until. 40594% 40595Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong. 40596 -- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 40597% 40598Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. 40599% 40600Such a fine first dream! 40601But they laughed at me; they said 40602I had made it up. 40603% 40604Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion, 40605when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace. 40606% 40607Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political, 40608petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality. 40609 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts 40610% 40611Such evil deeds could religion prompt. 40612 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 40613% 40614Sudden Death Dating: 40615 40616Quote, female: 40617 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it, 40618 at this point I'll take his first name, too. 40619% 40620Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; 40621The deed there is, but no doer thereof; 40622Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; 40623The Path there is, but none who travel it. 40624 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values 40625% 40626Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier. 40627% 40628Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity. 40629% 40630Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism. 40631 -- Donald Kaul 40632% 40633Sum quod eris. 40634% 40635Sun in the night, everyone is together, 40636Ascending into the heavens, life is forever. 40637 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night" 40638% 40639SUN Microsystems: 40640 The Network IS the Load Average. 40641% 40642SUNSET: 40643 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths, 40644 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with 40645 progressively reducing solar elevation. 40646% 40647Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy 40648have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging. 40649 -- Martin Luther 40650% 40651Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics? 40652Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of 40653 Quantum Mechanics? 40654Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you? 40655Supervisee: Yes. 40656 -- Overheard at a supervision. 40657% 40658Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets. 40659% 40660Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!! 40661% 40662Support the American Kidney Foundation. 40663Don't wear your motorcycle helmet. 40664% 40665Support the Girl Scouts! 40666 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!) 40667% 40668Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! 40669 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, 40670 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association 40671% 40672Support your local church or synagogue. 40673Worship at Bank of America. 40674% 40675Support your right to arm bears!! 40676% 40677Support your right to bare arms! 40678 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association 40679% 40680Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same 40681rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more 40682efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the 40683analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a 40684Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and 40685it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you 40686were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on 40687a pinhead. 40688 -- Christopher Evans 40689% 40690Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. 40691But what if he forgets? 40692% 40693Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest 40694men in national government too. 40695 -- Richard M. Nixon 40696% 40697Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are 40698dishonest men in national government too. 40699 -- Richard Nixon 40700% 40701"Surely you can't be serious." 40702"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley." 40703% 40704Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average. 40705% 40706Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! 40707Just type in your name and social security number. 40708Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law: 40709 40710Name # 40711 40712 40713% 40714Surprise due today. Also the rent. 40715% 40716Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. 40717% 40718sushi, n: 40719 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and 40720 strapped on with electrical tape. 40721% 40722Sushido, n: 40723 The way of the tuna. 40724% 40725Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. 40726 -- Wm. Shakespeare 40727% 40728Swap read error. You lose your mind. 40729% 40730SWEATER: 40731 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly. 40732% 40733Sweet April showers do spring May flowers. 40734 -- Thomas Tusser 40735% 40736Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess, 40737And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes". 40738% 40739Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, 40740whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through 40741the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly 40742I rush! 40743 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick" 40744% 40745Swipple's Rule of Order: 40746 He who shouts the loudest has the floor. 40747% 40748Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is 40749 unusually pale and clear. 40750Problem: Glass empty. 40751Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 40752 40753Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, 40754 and the front of your shirt is wet. 40755Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to 40756 wrong part of face. 40757Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. 40758 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. 40759 40760 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40761% 40762Symptom: Everything has gone dark. 40763Fault: The Bar is closing. 40764Action Required: Panic. 40765 40766Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. 40767 You cannot see the bathroom light. 40768Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter. 40769Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, 40770 treat yourself to a lie-in. 40771 40772 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40773% 40774Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty. 40775Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. 40776Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points 40777 toward ceiling. 40778 40779Symptom: Feet warm and wet. 40780Fault: Improper bladder control. 40781Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain 40782 to the owner about its lack of house training and 40783 demand a beer as compensation. 40784 40785 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40786% 40787Symptom: Floor blurred. 40788Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. 40789Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 40790 40791Symptom: Floor moving. 40792Fault: You are being carried out. 40793Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, 40794 complain loudly that you are being kidnapped. 40795 40796 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40797% 40798Symptom: Floor swaying. 40799Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey 40800 game in progress. 40801Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. 40802 40803Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts 40804 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth. 40805Fault: You have fallen forward. 40806Action Required: See above. 40807 40808Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several 40809 flourescent light strips. 40810Fault: You have fallen over backward. 40811Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your 40812 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help 40813 you get up, lash yourself to bar. 40814 40815 -- Bar Troubleshooting 40816% 40817Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. 40818 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 40819% 40820System checkpoint complete. 40821% 40822System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing. 40823% 40824System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug. 40825% 40826System going down in 5 minutes. 40827% 40828System restarting, wait... 40829% 40830System/3! System/3! 40831See how it runs! See how it runs! 40832 Its monitor loses so totally! 40833 It runs all its programs in RPG! 40834 It's made by our favorite monopoly! 40835System/3! 40836% 40837SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT: 40838 Works equally poorly on all systems. 40839% 40840Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad 40841infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. 40842 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 40843% 40844Systems programmer: 40845 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior 40846 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you 40847 are to receive from your boss. 40848% 40849Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. 40850 -- R.S. Barton 40851% 40852T: One big monster, he called TROLL. 40853 He don't rock, and he don't roll; 40854 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. 40855 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. 40856 -- The Roguelet's ABC 40857% 40858TACKY: 40859 Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions. 40860% 40861TACT: 40862 The unsaid part of what you're thinking. 40863% 40864Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far. 40865 -- Jean Cocteau 40866% 40867Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far. 40868 -- Jean Cocteau 40869% 40870Tact is the ability to tell a man he has 40871an open mind when he has a hole in his head. 40872% 40873Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. 40874% 40875Take a lesson from the whale; the only time 40876he gets speared is when he raises to spout. 40877% 40878Take an astronaut to launch. 40879% 40880Take care of the luxuries and the 40881necessities will take care of themselves. 40882 -- L. Long 40883% 40884Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves. 40885 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service 40886% 40887Take everything in stride. 40888Trample anyone who gets in your way. 40889% 40890TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION: 40891 Do something that should have been done a long time ago. 40892% 40893Take it easy, we're in a hurry. 40894% 40895Take me drunk, 40896I'm home again! 40897% 40898Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, 40899but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. 40900 -- Kipling 40901% 40902Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your 40903merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people 40904have given them to you. 40905% 40906Take what you can use and let the rest go by. 40907 -- Ken Kesey 40908% 40909Take your dying with some seriousness, however. 40910Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood 40911by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy. 40912 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 40913% 40914Take your Senator to lunch this week. 40915% 40916Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not 40917take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously. 40918 -- Booth Tarkington 40919% 40920Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever 40921got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club. 40922 -- Rev. Jim 40923% 40924Talent does what it can. 40925Genius does what it must. 40926You do what you get paid to do. 40927% 40928Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand. 40929% 40930Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. 40931 -- Euripides 40932% 40933Talkers are no good doers. 40934 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 40935% 40936Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. 40937 -- Laurie Anderson 40938% 40939Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. 40940 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 40941% 40942Tallulah Bankhead barged down the 40943Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank. 40944 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 40945% 40946Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred, 40947Tan me hide when I'm dead. 40948So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde, 40949It's hanging there on the shed. 40950 40951All together now... 40952 Tie me kangaroo down, sport, 40953 Tie me kangaroo down. 40954 Tie me kangaroo down, sport, 40955 Tie me kangaroo down. 40956% 40957Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey 40958will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar. 40959 -- B. Franklin 40960% 40961TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) 40962 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination 40963 and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull 40964 headed. You are a Communist. 40965% 40966TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20) 40967 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will 40968 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance 40969 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels. 40970% 40971TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20) 40972 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep, 40973 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will 40974 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday. 40975% 40976TAX OFFICE: 40977 Den of inequity. 40978% 40979Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't 40980tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree." 40981 -- Russell Long 40982% 40983TAXES: 40984 Of life's two certainties, 40985 the only one for which you can get an extension. 40986% 40987TAXES: 40988 Of life's two certainties, the only one for 40989 which you can get an extension. 40990% 40991Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. 40992% 40993TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1: 40994 40995Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what pased for them in that era. 40996Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think 40997of our community as the Galapagos of the English language. 40998 40999"Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs." 41000 -- Dave Mills 41001% 41002Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, 41003when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway. 41004% 41005Teachers have class. 41006% 41007TEAMWORK: 41008 Having someone to blame. 41009% 41010Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. 41011% 41012Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for 41013slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: 41014"Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the 41015head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other 41016side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by 41017instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did 41018not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that 41019being only an inference. 41020 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 41021% 41022Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow 41023is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see 41024before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw 41025this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole 41026being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to 41027work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes 41028itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I 41029slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the 41030difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program. 41031I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for 41032a moment and then log off. 41033% 41034Technological progress has merely provided us 41035with more efficient means for going backwards. 41036 -- Aldous Huxley 41037% 41038Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. 41039% 41040Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to. 41041 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 41042% 41043Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before 41044you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew 41045but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't 41046already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death. 41047 -- Erma Bombeck 41048% 41049telephone, n.: 41050 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of 41051making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 41052 -- Ambrose Bierce 41053% 41054TELEPRESSION: 41055 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try 41056 hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the 41057 burden on the directory assistant. 41058 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 41059% 41060Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. 41061 -- Ernie Kovacs 41062% 41063Television -- the longest amateur night in history. 41064 -- Robert Carson 41065% 41066Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs. 41067 -- Alfred Hitchcock 41068% 41069Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than 41070each other. 41071 -- Ann Landers 41072% 41073Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. 41074 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs 41075% 41076Television is now so desperately hungry for material 41077that it is scraping the top of the barrel. 41078 -- Gore Vidal 41079% 41080Television only proves that people will look at anything -- 41081rather than each other. 41082% 41083Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll 41084believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have 41085to touch to be sure. 41086% 41087Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, 41088Is those things arms, or is they legs? 41089I marvel at thee, Octopus; 41090If I were thou, I'd call me us. 41091 -- Ogden Nash 41092% 41093Tell me what to think!!! 41094% 41095Tell me why the stars do shine, 41096Tell me why the ivy twines, 41097Tell me why the sky's so blue, 41098And I will tell you just why I love you. 41099 41100 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine, 41101 Phototropism makes ivy twine, 41102 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue, 41103 Sexual hormones are why I love you. 41104% 41105Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally 41106promoting a falsehood, isn't it? 41107 -- A. Hope 41108% 41109Tempt me with a spoon! 41110% 41111Tempt not a desperate man. 41112 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" 41113% 41114Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to 41115shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable. 41116 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his 41117entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a seven 41118showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as a third die slipped out of 41119his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a word. 41120Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket and 41121handed the others to Dutsky. 41122 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen." 41123% 41124Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to 41125shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable. 41126 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his 41127entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a 41128seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out 41129of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a 41130word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket 41131and handed the others to Dutsky. 41132 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen." 41133% 41134Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent. 41135 -- Napoleon I 41136% 41137Ten years of rejection slips is nature's 41138way of telling you to stop writing. 41139 -- R. Geis 41140% 41141Terence, this is stupid stuff: 41142You eat your victuals fast enough; 41143There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, 41144To see the rate you drink your beer. 41145But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, 41146It gives a chap the belly-ache. 41147The cow, the old cow, she is dead; 41148It sleeps well the horned head: 41149We poor lads, 'tis our turn now 41150To hear such tunes as killed the cow. 41151Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme 41152Your friends to death before their time. 41153Moping, melancholy mad: 41154Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. 41155 -- A.E. Housman 41156% 41157Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave 41158school, and then work, work, work till we die. 41159 -- C.S. Lewis 41160% 41161Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising 41162amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered 41163the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling 41164to risk offending God's grandmother. 41165 -- Len Cool, "American Pie" 41166% 41167Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan, 41168and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about 41169his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the 41170sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd). 41171This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said: 41172 "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it 41173 is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain because it 41174 is impossible." 41175Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of 41176philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. 41177 -- C.G. Jung, "Psychological Types" 41178 [Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.] 41179% 41180Test for paraquat: 41181 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's 41182 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves, 41183 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium 41184 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present, 41185 the solution will turn blue-green. 41186% 41187Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence. 41188 -- Dijkstra 41189% 41190Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. 41191% 41192TEUTONIC: 41193 Not enough gin. 41194% 41195TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this 41196century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in 41197terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press. 41198 -- Gordon Bell 41199% 41200Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean 41201of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities. 41202"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the 41203unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter 41204the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he 41205told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach", 41206the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked. 41207"Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and 41208called you from here." 41209% 41210Texas is Hell on woman and horses. 41211 -- Wayne Oakes 41212% 41213Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies. 41214 -- Adolf Hitler 41215% 41216Thank you for observing all safety precautions. 41217% 41218That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers. 41219 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde" 41220% 41221That does not compute. 41222% 41223That feeling just came over me. 41224 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler" 41225% 41226That government is best which governs least. 41227 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience" 41228% 41229That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love, 41230that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love 41231in the same way as us. 41232 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 41233% 41234That money talks, 41235I'll not deny, 41236I heard it once, 41237It said "Good-bye. 41238 -- Richard Armour 41239% 41240That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all. 41241 -- Moliere 41242% 41243That segment of the community with which one has the greatest 41244sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most 41245narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community. 41246% 41247That that is is that that is not is not. 41248% 41249That, that is, is. 41250That, that is not, is not. 41251That, that is, is not that, that is not. 41252That, that is not, is not that, that is. 41253% 41254...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by 41255the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on 41256hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS. 41257A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the 41258liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the 41259REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ... 41260 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan 41261% 41262That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. 41263% 41264That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. 41265 -- Dorothy Parker 41266% 41267That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is 41268remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not 41269write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book. 41270 -- Heine 41271% 41272That's always the way when you discover 41273something new; everyone thinks you're crazy. 41274 -- Evelyn E. Smith 41275% 41276That's life. 41277 What's life? 41278A magazine. 41279 How much does it cost? 41280Two-fifty. 41281 I only have a dollar. 41282That's life. 41283% 41284That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone 41285who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that 41286thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that 41287thing is, so it can't hurt you no more. 41288 -- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn" 41289% 41290"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be 41291omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l." 41292 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 41293% 41294That's no moon... 41295 -- Obi-wan Kenobi 41296% 41297That's odd. That's very odd. 41298Wouldn't you say that's very odd? 41299% 41300That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind. 41301 -- Neil Armstrong 41302% 41303That's the most fun I've had without laughing. 41304 -- Woody Allen, on sex 41305% 41306That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they 41307really hate is lousy programmers. 41308 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty" 41309% 41310That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows 41311returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball. 41312 -- Bill Veeck 41313% 41314That's what she said. 41315% 41316That's where the money was. 41317 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank 41318 41319It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. 41320 -- Willie Sutton 41321% 41322The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. 41323 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked. 41324 "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely, 41325"and go on till you come to the end: then stop." 41326 -- Lewis Carroll 41327% 41328The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8. 41329 -- R.B. Greenberg 41330% 41331The 357.73 Theory -- 41332 Auditors always reject expense accounts 41333 with a bottom line divisible by 5. 41334% 41335The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. 41336% 41337The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. 41338Don't ever do this to my eyes again. 41339 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College 41340% 41341The Abrams' Principle: 41342 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. 41343% 41344The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing. 41345 -- T. Cheatham 41346% 41347The absent ones are always at fault. 41348% 41349The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth. 41350 -- A. Camus 41351% 41352The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. 41353 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 41354% 41355The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech. 41356 -- Clifton Fadiman 41357% 41358The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither 41359hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that 41360makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain 41361undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely 41362anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal. 41363 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930 41364% 41365The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one 41366does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home. 41367 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour" 41368% 41369The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that 41370he is already degraded. 41371 -- George Orwell 41372% 41373The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex 41374facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it. 41375 -- Whitehead. 41376% 41377The alarm clock that is louder than God's own 41378belongs to the roommate with the earliest class. 41379% 41380The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete. 41381For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*. 41382 -- Bart Miller 41383% 41384The all-softening overpowering knell, 41385The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell. 41386 -- Lord Byron 41387% 41388The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see 41389fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen. 41390 -- Winston Churchill, 1942 41391% 41392The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends 41393to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon. 41394 41395Film at 11:00. 41396% 41397The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the 41398eagle -- on the back of a dollar. 41399 -- Finlay Peter Dunne 41400% 41401The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism, 41402call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great 41403opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it. 41404 -- Al Capone 41405% 41406The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the 41407pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond. 41408% 41409The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured 41410in billigrahams. 41411% 41412The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns 41413just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves. 41414 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer 41415% 41416The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists 41417of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown 41418Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, 41419even better, nobody has to play it. 41420 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 41421% 41422The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter: 41423 I don't mind... and you don't matter. 41424 41425 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana 41426% 41427The Angels want to wear my red shoes. 41428 -- E. Costello 41429% 41430The anger of a woman is the greatest evil 41431with which you can threaten your enemies. 41432 -- Bonnard 41433% 41434The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from 41435sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin. 41436 --Salvador De Madariaga 41437% 41438The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can. 41439 -- Albertano of Brescia 41440% 41441The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither 41442doctors nor lawyers. 41443 -- L. Docquier 41444% 41445The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in 41446session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing, 41447advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of 41448publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle- 41449giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it, 41450we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of 41451book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the 41452field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu- 41453ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be 41454very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out- 41455lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for 41456courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S., 41457[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been 41458arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right 41459time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially 41460for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as 41461then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts -- 41462 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk, 41463 And dare not stray to ideas new, 41464 For if t'were tried they might e'en work 41465 And for a living what woulds't we do? 41466% 41467The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is... 41468 41469 Four day work week, 41470 Two ply toilet paper! 41471% 41472The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was 41473released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, 41474Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons. 41475% 41476The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go 41477and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. 41478All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. 41479"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows 41480their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. 41481Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how 41482the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need 41483logs to multiply." 41484% 41485The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will 41486never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive 41487and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read 41488through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle. 41489 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer 41490% 41491The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. 41492Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed 41493and color, but also on ability. 41494 -- T. Lehrer 41495% 41496The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. 41497 -- Bill Murray 41498% 41499The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in 41500effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the 41501Declaration not for that, but for future use. 41502 -- Abraham Lincoln 41503% 41504The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that 41505Jupiter can have no satellites: 41506 41507 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two 41508eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two 41509unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent. 41510From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven 41511metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number 41512of planets is necessarily seven. [...] 41513 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and 41514therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless 41515and therefore do not exist. 41516% 41517The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. 41518% 41519The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she 41520knows that the average man can see much better than he can think. 41521 -- Ladies' Home Journal 41522% 41523The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in 41524the morning feeling just terrible. 41525 -- Jean Kerr 41526% 41527The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM. 41528% 41529The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling 41530a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog. 41531% 41532The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero. 41533% 41534The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from 41535one graveyard to another. 41536 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England" 41537% 41538The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain 41539disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help 41540feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is 41541their father. 41542 -- Mencken 41543% 41544The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned 41545into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D. 41546 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work" 41547% 41548The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that 41549carries any reward. 41550 -- John Maynard Keynes 41551% 41552The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn, 41553Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn, 41554And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone, 41555 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS! 41556 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days" 41557% 41558The bank sent our statement this morning, 41559The red ink was a sight of great awe! 41560Their figures and mine might have balanced, 41561But my wife was too quick on the draw. 41562% 41563The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. 41564Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to 41565park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also 41566dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big 41567difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to 41568do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. 41569I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup 41570truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" 41571on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the 41572accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, 41573whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall 41574parking lots. 41575 -- Dave Barry 41576% 41577The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd 41578And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; 41579The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth 41580And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. 41581These signs forerun the death or fall of kings. 41582 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II" 41583% 41584THE BEATLES: 41585 Paul McCartney's old back-up band. 41586% 41587The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. 41588% 41589The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer. 41590 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike 41591 41592 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I 41593 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only 41594 Memory". Ed.] 41595% 41596The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk. 41597 -- Maurice Baring 41598% 41599The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; 41600but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. 41601% 41602The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, 41603 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. 41604Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, 41605 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. 41606The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan, 41607 live with a British wife, and eat American food. 41608 41609 --Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine 41610% 41611The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. 41612 -- W.C. Fields 41613% 41614The best defense against logic is ignorance. 41615% 41616The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion -- 41617but doesn't. 41618 -- Tom Crichton 41619% 41620The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank. 41621 -- Scotty 41622% 41623The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive. 41624However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours 41625by judging things by their price. 41626% 41627The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do 41628what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with 41629them while they do it. 41630 -- Theodore Roosevelt 41631% 41632The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department. 41633% 41634The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. 41635 -- Blair 41636% 41637The best man for the job is often a woman. 41638% 41639The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good 41640head waiter. 41641 -- Nubar Gulbenkian 41642% 41643The best portion of a good man's life, his little, 41644nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love. 41645 -- Wordsworth 41646% 41647The best prophet of the future is the past. 41648% 41649The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the 41650redoubtable John W. Campbell: 41651 41652 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the 41653 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now 41654 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is 41655 being read by a corpse. 41656% 41657The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and 41658fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are 41659drifting side by side to our common doom. 41660 -- Clarence Darrow 41661% 41662The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected 41663company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie. 41664% 41665The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. 41666% 41667The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80. 41668% 41669The best things in life are for a fee. 41670% 41671The best things in life go on sale sooner or later. 41672% 41673The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared. 41674% 41675The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities." 41676% 41677The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect. 41678% 41679The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. 41680% 41681The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to 41682smoke is a right worth dying for. 41683% 41684The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around 41685scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but 41686when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward 41687way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention. 41688Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't 41689work either.... They tried it during Prohibition. 41690 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler 41691% 41692The best you get is an even break. 41693 -- Franklin Adams 41694% 41695The better part of valor is discretion. 41696 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 41697% 41698The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. 41699To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task. 41700 -- Nietzsche 41701% 41702The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments 41703to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. 41704It's just that they need more supervision. 41705% 41706The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could 41707never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma. 41708 -- Abraham Lincoln 41709% 41710The Bible on letters of reference: 41711 41712 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do 41713we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you? 41714No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any 41715man can see it for what it is and read it for himself. 41716 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation 41717% 41718The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries. 41719 -- Nora Ephron 41720% 41721The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen 41722and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like 41723women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any 41724more at twenty-one than you did at ten. 41725 -- Jules Feiffer 41726% 41727The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted 41728themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate 41729this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are 41730hungry all the time? 41731% 41732The bigger they are, the harder they hit. 41733% 41734The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. 41735 -- Merrick Furst 41736% 41737The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are 41738working for someone else. 41739% 41740The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has 41741occurred. 41742% 41743The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ... 41744and the bird is on the wing. 41745 -- Omar Khayyam 41746% 41747The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals 41748because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage 41749and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in 41750Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens 41751of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage 41752containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist 41753put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels 41754of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists." 41755% 41756The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. 41757% 41758The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives. 41759 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project 41760% 41761The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first 41762half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and 41763pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who 41764hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice 41765for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time 41766during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it 41767but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know. 41768 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 41769% 41770The boy stood on the burning deck, 41771Eating peanuts by the peck. 41772His father called him, but he could not go, 41773For he loved those peanuts so. 41774% 41775The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment 41776you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work. 41777% 41778The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development: 41779 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a 41780 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add 41781 one, and convert to the next higher units. 41782% 41783The British are coming! The British are coming! 41784% 41785The broad mass of a nation... will more easily 41786fall victim to a big lie than to a small one. 41787 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 41788% 41789The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing 41790and humiliating reality. 41791 -- Oscar Wilde 41792% 41793The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a 41794digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top 41795of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean 41796the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself. 41797 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 41798% 41799The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only 41800the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time. 41801 -- Kay Bostic 41802% 41803The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State 41804Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George 41805Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his 41806time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last 41807Days of Pompeii." 41808 41809Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse, 41810beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord 41811Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford," 41812written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad: 41813 41814 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except 41815 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of 41816 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene 41817 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty 41818 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. 41819% 41820The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better 41821people, and don't come in clearly enough. 41822 -- Bill Maher 41823% 41824The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted 41825sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first 41826time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve 41827into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent 41828with Basil. 41829 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 41830% 41831The carbonyl is polarized, 41832The delta end is plus. 41833The nucleophile will thus attack, 41834The carbon nucleus. 41835Addition makes an alcohol, 41836Of types there are but three. 41837It makes a bond, to correspond, 41838From C to shining C. 41839 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful" 41840% 41841The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. 41842 -- Herbert von Fritzlar 41843% 41844The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-distruction. 41845% 41846The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and 41847sometimes three. 41848 -- Alexandre Dumas 41849% 41850The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up 41851at the steam fitters picnic. 41852% 41853The chief cause of problems is solutions. 41854 -- Eric Sevareid 41855% 41856The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense 41857 -- Picasso 41858% 41859The church is near but the road is icy, 41860the bar is far away but I will walk carefully. 41861 -- Russian Proverb 41862% 41863The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture. 41864 -- Elbert Hubbard 41865% 41866The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards, 41867specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of 41868rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine... 41869% 41870The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom. 41871% 41872The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness. 41873 -- John Muir 41874% 41875The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; 41876the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a 41877military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and 41878private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion; 41879and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes 41880who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity. 41881 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" 41882% 41883The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 41884% 41885The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a 41886job application. 41887% 41888The closest to perfection a person ever comes 41889is when he fills out a job application form. 41890 -- Stanley J. Randall 41891% 41892The clothes have no emperor. 41893 -- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA. 41894% 41895The coast was clear. 41896 -- Lope de Vega 41897% 41898The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his 41899intellectual nakedness. 41900 -- Robert M. Hutchins 41901% 41902The Commandments of the EE: 41903 419041: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser 41905 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most 41906 embarrassing manner. 419072: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to 41908 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this 41909 earthly vale of tears. 419103: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon 41911 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift 41912 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like 41913 a radiator too. 419144: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional 41915 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely 41916 unbelievers. 41917% 41918The Commandments of the EE: 41919 419205: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the 41921 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate 41922 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company 41923 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has 41924 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent. 419256: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices, 41926 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring 41927 the fury of the engineers on his head. 419287: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy 41929 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling 41930 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee. 419318: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone, 41932 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in 41933 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker 41934 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold. 41935% 41936The Commandments of the EE: 41937 419389: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou 41939 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be 41940 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages. 4194110: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are 41942 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code, 41943 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when 41944 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician. 4194511: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or 41946 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better 41947 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than 41948 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an 41949 innocent-seeming device. 41950% 41951The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag. 41952% 41953The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of 41954entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and 4195550's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into 41956the 80's. 41957 -- Marty Winston 41958% 41959The computer is to the information industry roughly what the 41960central power station is to the electrical industry. 41961 -- Peter Drucker 41962% 41963The computing field is always in need of new cliches. 41964 -- Alan Perlis 41965% 41966The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been 41967defined several times by examples of what it is not. 41968% 41969The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems 41970and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting 41971language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best 41972dangerous. 41973 -- Bjarne Stroustrup 41974% 41975The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better 41976than what we've got! 41977% 41978The control of the production of wealth 41979is the control of human life itself. 41980 -- Hilaire Belloc 41981% 41982The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is 41983none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." 41984Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. 41985Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get 41986you talked about. 41987 -- Lazarus Long 41988% 41989The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up! 41990% 41991The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart. 41992 -- W.C. Fields 41993% 41994The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 41995% 41996The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. 41997% 41998The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first 41999female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, 42000rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what 42001would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my 42002career. 42003 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 42004% 42005The course of true anything never does run smooth. 42006 -- Samuel Butler 42007% 42008The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the 42009judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him. 42010Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and 42011cermoniously handed it to the defendant. 42012 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a 42013father!" 42014% 42015The covers of this book are too far apart. 42016 -- Book review by Ambrose Bierce. 42017% 42018The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat. 42019 -- John McNulty 42020% 42021The Crown is full of it! 42022 -- Nate Harris, 1775 42023% 42024The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore 42025be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be 42026propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war 42027and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace, 42028assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark 42029of all our rights and privileges. 42030 -- William Ellery Channing 42031 42032% 42033The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the 42034words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*. 42035 -- Susan Dooley 42036% 42037The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull. 42038 -- Andy Purshottam 42039% 42040The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch 42041a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth! 42042% 42043The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. 42044Every class is unfit to govern. 42045 -- Lord Acton 42046% 42047The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of 42048plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely.... 42049Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not 42050be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides 42051agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at 42052nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal 42053that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine 42054years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem. 42055 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks 42056% 42057The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, 42058and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. 42059 -- H.D. Thoreau 42060% 42061The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being 42062as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of 42063the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the 42064dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with 42065this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine 42066doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors. 42067 -- Thomas Jefferson 42068% 42069The days are all empty and the nights are unreal. 42070% 42071The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction 42072to a tedious book. 42073% 42074The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us 42075who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie 42076Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. 42077% 42078The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? 42079% 42080The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous. 42081% 42082The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the 42083Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing". 42084% 42085The degree of civilization in a society 42086can be judged by entering its prisons. 42087 -- F. Dostoyevski 42088% 42089The degree of technical confidence is inversely 42090proportional to the level of management. 42091% 42092The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older 42093people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood. 42094 -- Logan Pearsall Smith 42095% 42096The departing division general manager met a last time with his young 42097successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me, 42098and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign 42099of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the 42100second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. 42101Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes 42102into a drawer. 42103 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the 42104young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me." 42105 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The 42106crisis passed. 42107 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleagured 42108manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize." 42109 He held another press conference, announcing that the division 42110would be restructured. The crisis passed. 42111 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was 42112blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank 42113into his chair, and opened the third envelope. 42114 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said. 42115% 42116The descent to Hades is the same from every place. 42117 -- Anaxagoras 42118% 42119The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. 42120 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 42121% 42122The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. 42123% 42124The devil finds work for idle glands. 42125% 42126The die is cast. 42127 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 42128% 42129The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week. 42130% 42131The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days. 42132% 42133The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is 42134exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. 42135 -- Mark Twain 42136% 42137The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into 42138the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, 42139it would be a calamity. 42140 -- Benjamin Disraeli 42141% 42142The difference between America and England is, the English think 100 42143miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time. 42144% 42145The difference between art and science is that science is what we 42146understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. 42147 -- Donald Knuth, "Discover" 42148% 42149The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is 42150thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia 42151is thinking that they're conspiring. 42152 -- J. Kegler 42153% 42154The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're 42155called. Cats take a message and get back to you. 42156% 42157The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. 42158% 42159The difference between legal separation and divorce is 42160that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money. 42161% 42162The difference between reality and unreality 42163is that reality has so little to recommend it. 42164 -- Allan Sherman 42165% 42166The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science 42167requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. 42168 -- Robert Heinlein 42169% 42170The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following: 42171Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a 42172rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when 42173swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian. 42174 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague" 42175% 42176The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When 42177you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you 42178swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is 42179sentimentality. 42180 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" 42181% 42182The difference between the right word and the almost right word 42183is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. 42184 -- Mark Twain 42185% 42186The difference between this place and yogurt 42187is that yogurt has a live culture. 42188% 42189The difference between us is not very far, 42190cruising for burgers in daddy's new car. 42191% 42192The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume. 42193 -- T.K. 42194% 42195The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer. 42196% 42197The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in 42198the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians 42199work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb. 42200 -- Russell Baker 42201% 42202The discerning person is always at a disadvantage. 42203% 42204The disks are getting full; purge a file today. 42205% 42206The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; 42207naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either. 42208 -- Ambrose Bierce 42209% 42210The distinction between true and false appears to become 42211increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language. 42212 -- Arne Tiselius 42213% 42214The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in 42215the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, 42216and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity. 42217 -- John Adams 42218% 42219The door is the key. 42220% 42221The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off 42222this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next 42223hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, 42224the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned 42225it to his master. 42226 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. 42227 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." 42228% 42229The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance 42230of the woman. 42231 -- Honore DeBalzac 42232% 42233The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine. 42234% 42235The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before. 42236% 42237The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late 42238and owns the worm farm. 42239 -- Travis McGee 42240% 42241The early worm gets the bird. 42242% 42243The early worm gets the late bird. 42244% 42245The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. 42246% 42247"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly 42248teaches me to suspect that my own is also." 42249 42250"I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it 42251or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his 42252hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be. 42253But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a 42254valuable posession to him." 42255 42256"I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good 42257end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order 42258to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall 42259have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection mught be reasonable 42260enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him 42261roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews 42262would tire of the spectacle eventually." 42263 -- Mark Twain 42264% 42265The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it 42266*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness. 42267 -- Mel Brooks 42268% 42269The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune. 42270% 42271The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed 42272to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics 42273Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'. 42274The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the 42275Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the 42276first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect 42277that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking 42278over the post of robotics correspondent. 42279 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that 42280had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in 42281the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics 42282Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the 42283wall when the revolution came'. 42284% 42285The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. 42286 -- Buckminster Fuller 42287% 42288The end of labor is to gain leisure. 42289% 42290The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday, 42291with symposium to follow. 42292% 42293The ends justify the means. 42294 -- after Matthew Prior 42295% 42296The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind 42297of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation 42298of these atoms is talking moonshine. 42299 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for 42300 the first time 42301% 42302The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable 42303in full pursuit of the uneatable. 42304 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance" 42305% 42306The English have no respect for their language, 42307and will not teach their children to speak it. 42308 -- G.B. Shaw 42309% 42310The English instinctively admire any man 42311who has no talent and is modest about it. 42312 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic 42313% 42314The entire work force of the Communist countries is sunjected to periodic 42315purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took 42316place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year 42317before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from 42318all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often 42319result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background, 42320relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a 42321Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others. 42322 42323 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee." 42324 "What kind of family do you come from?" 42325 "A rich, Jewish family." 42326 "And your wife?" 42327 "A German aristocrat." 42328 "Have you ever been to the West?" 42329 "I spent most of my life in England." 42330 "How did you make a living there?" 42331 "A friend supported me." 42332 "Where did you get the money from?" 42333 "He owned a textile factory." 42334 "Who was Lenin?" 42335 "Never heard of him." 42336 "What is your name?" 42337 "Karl Marx." 42338% 42339[The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, 42340practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. 42341 -- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican 42342 presidential aspirant. 42343% 42344The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute 42345for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is 42346a substitute for intelligence. 42347 -- Lyman Bryson 42348% 42349The eternal feminine draws us upward. 42350 -- Goethe 42351% 42352The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender. 42353 -- Anne Boleyn 42354% 42355The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions 42356is the most likely to be correct. 42357 -- William of Occam 42358% 42359The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, 42360the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its 42361own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god 42362of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god 42363of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together 42364what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas 42365everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and 42366so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes 42367in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died. 42368 -- Chuang Tzu 42369% 42370The eyes of taxes are upon you. 42371% 42372The eyes of Texas are upon you, 42373All the livelong day; 42374The eyes of Texas are upon you, 42375You cannot get away; 42376Do not think you can escape them 42377From night 'til early in the morn; 42378The eyes of Texas are upon you 42379'Til Gabriel blows his horn. 42380 -- University of Texas' school song 42381% 42382The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not 42383utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, 42384a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible. 42385 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929 42386% 42387The fact that hitler was a politcal genius unmasks the nature of politics 42388in general as no other can. 42389 -- Wilhelm Reich 42390% 42391The fact that it works is immaterial. 42392 -- L. Ogborn 42393% 42394The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily 42395endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or 42396compassion. 42397 -- Saul Alinsky 42398% 42399The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. 42400% 42401The farther you go, the less you know. 42402 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching" 42403% 42404The fashion wears out more apparel than the man. 42405 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" 42406% 42407The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept 42408outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to 42409say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth, 42410so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists 42411so long as they are Tories. 42412 -- Christopher Booker 42413% 42414The faster I go, the behinder I get. 42415 -- Lewis Carroll 42416% 42417The Fastest Defeat In Chess 42418 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess 42419master. 42420 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a 42421Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so 42422chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort 42423of their own homes. 42424 Lazard was black and Gibaud white: 42425 1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3 42426 2: Kt-Q2, P-K4 42427 3: PxP, Kt-Kt5 42428 4: P-K6, Kt-K6/ 42429 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve 42430either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen. 42431 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 42432% 42433The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a 42434business trip, thought he would pay his boy a suprise visit. Arriving at the 42435lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes 42436of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window, 42437 "Whaddaya want?" 42438 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father. 42439 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch." 42440% 42441The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer 42442and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown 42443suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged, 42444I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not 42445dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the 42446quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors, 42447and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural 42448for them to despise science fiction. 42449 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction" 42450% 42451The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he 42452wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke. 42453 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to 42454you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made 42455the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play 42456center at Notre Dame." 42457 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five 42458times." 42459% 42460"The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his 42461supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, 42462anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their 42463husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism 42464and become lesbians." 42465% 42466The Fifth Rule: 42467 You have taken yourself too seriously. 42468% 42469The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions. 42470 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante" 42471% 42472The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. 42473% 42474The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, 42475the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time. 42476% 42477The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is 42478the Bible. 42479 -- John Quincy Adams 42480 42481All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book; 42482but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable 42483to man are contained in it. 42484 -- Abraham Lincoln 42485 42486... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of 42487life, the nature of God and spirtual nature and need of men. It is the only 42488guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation. 42489 -- Woodrow Wilson 42490% 42491The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. 42492 -- Abbie Hoffman 42493% 42494The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King 42495Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic 42496death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks. 42497Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city, 42498complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his 42499breakfast tray. At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's 42500death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play. Then the rest of the King's 42501relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion. Some 42502were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A 42503few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants 42504unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have 42505thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of 42506grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left in Minas 42507Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and 42508the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave Parrafin bravely 42509accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant 42510of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's 42511enemies, and revamp the postal system. 42512 -- Bored of the Rings, "Harvard Lampoon" 42513% 42514The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand? 42515 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist 42516% 42517The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head. 42518Understand? 42519 -- Joey Glimco 42520% 42521The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half 42522by our children. 42523 -- Clarence Darrow 42524% 42525The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, 42526and the second half by our children. 42527 -- Clarence Darrow 42528% 42529The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence, 42530and the second the triumph of hope over experience. 42531% 42532The first myth of management is that it exists. 42533% 42534The first requisite for immortality is death. 42535 -- Stanislaw Lem 42536% 42537The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, 42538was propounded to me by my father: 42539 42540 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?" 42541I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up. 42542 "A herring," said my father. 42543 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" 42544 "So hang it there." 42545 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. 42546 "Paint it." 42547 "But a herring isn't wet." 42548 "If it's just painted it's still wet." 42549 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, 42550 "a herring doesn't whistle!!" 42551 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard." 42552 -- Leo Rosten 42553% 42554The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack." 42555 -- H.L. Mencken 42556% 42557The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 42558 -- Ehrlich 42559% 42560The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 42561 -- Paul Erlich 42562% 42563The First Rule of Program Optimization: 42564 Don't do it. 42565 42566The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): 42567 Don't do it yet. 42568 -- Michael Jackson 42569% 42570The first thing I do in the morning 42571is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. 42572 -- Dorothy Parker 42573% 42574The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. 42575 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV 42576% 42577The first version always gets thrown away. 42578% 42579The five rules of Socialism: 42580 42581 1. Don't think. 42582 2. If you do think, don't speak. 42583 3. If you think and speak, don't write. 42584 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign. 42585 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised. 42586 42587 -- being told in Poland, 1987 42588% 42589...the flaw that makes perfection perfect. 42590% 42591The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. 42592 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 42593% 42594The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. 42595 -- Alan Coult 42596% 42597The following statement is not true. 42598The previous statement is true. 42599% 42600The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws: 42601 42602 1. You can't push on a string. 42603 2. Ain't no free lunches. 42604 3. Them as has, gets. 42605 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all. 42606% 42607The Force is what holds everything together. 42608It has its dark side, and it has its light side. 42609It's sort of like cosmic duct tape. 42610% 42611The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money 42612completely surrounded by people who want some. 42613 -- Dwight MacDonald 42614% 42615The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe 42616because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons 42617rests on mutual help. 42618 -- Laukikanyay. 42619% 42620The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions 42621and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. 42622% 42623The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused 42624received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities. 42625% 42626The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair 42627trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities. 42628% 42629The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip 42630objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air 42631due to levitation. 42632 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur 42633if the character does not have fire resistance. 42634 -- README file from the NetHack game 42635% 42636[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people. 42637 -- Somerset Maugham 42638% 42639The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the 42640number of your kids by thirty-two teeth. 42641% 42642The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend 42643of both parties tactfully interferes. 42644 -- G.K. Chesterton 42645% 42646The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people, 42647but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons. 42648 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist 42649% 42650The future is a myth created by insurance 42651salesmen and high school counselors. 42652% 42653The future is a race between education and catastrophe. 42654 -- H.G. Wells 42655% 42656The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.) 42657% 42658The future lies ahead. 42659% 42660The future not being born, my friend, 42661we will abstain from baptizing it. 42662 -- George Meredith 42663% 42664The garden is in mourning; 42665The rain falls cool among the flowers. 42666Summer shivers quietly 42667On its way towards its end. 42668 42669Golden leaf after leaf 42670Falls from the tall acacia. 42671Summer smiles, astonished, feeble, 42672In this dying dream of a garden. 42673 42674For a long while, yet, in the roses, 42675She will linger on, yearning for peace, 42676And slowly 42677Close her weary eyes. 42678 -- Hermann Hesse, "September" 42679% 42680The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. 42681% 42682The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the 42683people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people 42684drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return. 42685 -- Gore Vidal 42686% 42687The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. 42688% 42689The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. 42690% 42691The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even 42692remember her first husband. 42693% 42694The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress. 42695% 42696The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear. 42697 -- Sophia Loren 42698% 42699The glances over cocktails 42700That seemed to be so sweet 42701Don't seem quite so amorous 42702Over Shredded Wheat 42703% 42704The goal of Computer Science is to build something 42705that will at least last until we've finished building it. 42706% 42707The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. 42708The goal of nature is to build better mice. 42709% 42710The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. 42711They gave him love and he invented marriage. 42712% 42713The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it 42714is your move. 42715 -- Frank Crane 42716% 42717The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: 42718 He who has the gold makes the rules. 42719% 42720The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got 42721to be good. 42722 -- John Barrymore 42723% 42724The good (I am convinced, for one) 42725Is but the bad one leaves undone. 42726Once your reputation's done 42727You can live a life of fun. 42728 -- Wilhelm Busch 42729% 42730The good life was so elusive 42731It really got me down 42732I had to regain some confidence 42733So I got into camaflouge 42734% 42735The good time is approaching, 42736The season is at hand. 42737When the merry click of the two-base lick 42738Will be heard throughout the land. 42739The frost still lingers on the earth, and 42740Budless are the trees. 42741But the merry ring of the voice of spring 42742Is borne upon the breeze. 42743 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886 42744% 42745The Gordian Maxim: 42746If a string has one end, it has another. 42747% 42748The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out 42749to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work 42750and they can't fire it. 42751% 42752The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II. 42753Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people 42754and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping. 42755% 42756The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the 42757Christian Religion 42758 -- George Washington 42759% 42760The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma, 42761with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the 42762fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent 42763for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied, 42764"Send Lord Combermere." 42765 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord 42766Combermere a fool." 42767 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon." 42768 -- G.W.E. Russell 42769% 42770The goys have proven the following theorem... 42771 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom 42772 lecture. 42773% 42774The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses. 42775% 42776The grave's a fine and private place, 42777but none, I think, do there embrace. 42778 -- Andrew Marvell 42779% 42780The graveyards are full of indispensable men. 42781 -- Charles de Gaulle 42782% 42783The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: 42784 The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, 42785 his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. 42786 Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of 42787 time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp 42788 Hedgehog Eater. 42789 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 42790% 42791The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude. 42792 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life" 42793% 42794The Great Movie Posters: 42795 42796*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee* 42797With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story. 42798 -- Tea with a Kick (1924) 42799 42800Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks! 42801GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE! 42802 -- The Wild Party (1929) 42803 42804YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE! 42805DIX -- the dashing soldier! 42806 DIX -- the bold adventurer! 42807 DIX -- the throbbing lover! 42808 -- The Wheel of Life (1929) 42809 42810SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE 42811SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"! 42812 -- The Night is Young (1934) 42813% 42814The Great Movie Posters: 42815 42816A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an 42817unimaginable hell. 42818 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967) 42819 42820NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL! 42821 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968) 42822 42823LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENTUOUS ORGY OF 42824SLAUGHTER! 42825 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969) 42826 42827The family that slays together stays together. 42828 -- Bloody Mama (1970) 42829% 42830The Great Movie Posters: 42831 42832An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS! 42833 -- Squirm (1976) 42834 42835Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours. 42836This Is One of Everlasting Torment! 42837 -- The New House on the Left (1977) 42838 42839WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU! 42840 -- Zombie (1980) 42841 42842It's not human and it's got an axe. 42843 -- The Prey (1981) 42844% 42845The Great Movie Posters: 42846 42847Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding! 42848SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM! 42849... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV! 42850 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972) 42851 42852An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality! 42853 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973) 42854 42855WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY... 42856RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! 42857Alone, only a harmless pet... 42858 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine! 42859 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972) 42860 42861They're Over-Exposed 42862But Not Under-Developed! 42863 -- Cover Girl Models (1976) 42864% 42865The Great Movie Posters: 42866 42867HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE! 42868 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959) 42869 42870Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST? 42871Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep. 42872 -- Untamed Mistress (1960) 42873 42874NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE 42875FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI! 42876 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963) 42877% 42878The Great Movie Posters: 42879 42880HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS! 42881 -- The Cycle Savages (1969) 42882 42883The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It! 42884 42885 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971) 42886 42887TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS! 42888 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill) 42889 42890They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger! 42891 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971) 42892% 42893The Great Movie Posters: 42894 42895KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl 42896of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear 42897you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady! 42898 -- Spitfire (1934) 42899 42900Do Native Women Live With Apes? 42901 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937) 42902 42903JUNGLE KISS!! 42904 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she 42905was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes -- 42906she was no longer the frozen-harted high priestess under whose hypnotic 42907spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she 42908was a girl in love! 42909 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES! 42910 -- Her Jungle Love (1938) 42911 42912LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE! 42913 -- Intermezzo (1939) 42914% 42915The Great Movie Posters: 42916 42917POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED! 42918 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963) 42919 42920She Sins in Mobile -- 42921Marries in Houston -- 42922Loses Her Baby in Dallas -- 42923Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon -- 42924MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!... 42925FIRST -- HARLOW! 42926THEN -- MONROE! 42927NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!! 42928 -- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan 42929 42930*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN! 42931A Horrifying Movie of Wierd Beauties and Shocking Monsters... 429321001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY! 42933 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title: 42934 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and 42935 Became Mixed Up Zombies) 42936% 42937The Great Movie Posters: 42938 42939SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT! 42940-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO 42941-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU 42942-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI! 42943-- FIRES OF PUBERTY! 42944 SEE the burning of a virgin! 42945 SEE power of witch doctor over women! 42946 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!! 42947 -- Kwaheri (1965) 42948 42949The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex! 42950 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965) 42951 42952AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP- 42953A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN! 42954 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to 42955give you the wim-wams! 42956 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965) 42957% 42958The Great Movie Posters: 42959 42960SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks! 42961SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures! 42962SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner! 42963 -- Sweet and Savage (1983) 42964 42965What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair! 42966 -- Stroker Ace (1983) 42967 42968It's always better when you come again! 42969 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983) 42970 42971You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre! 42972 -- Pieces (1983) 42973% 42974The Great Movie Posters: 42975 42976SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog 42977on a roaring rampage of revenge! 42978 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972) 42979 42980WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB 42981SAUSAGES? 42982 -- Meat is Meat (1972) 42983 42984TODAY the Pond! 42985TOMORROW the World! 42986 -- Frogs (1972) 42987% 42988The Great Movie Posters: 42989 42990She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West! 42991 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949) 42992 42993CAST OF 3,000! 429944 WRITERS, 429952 DIRECTORS, 429963 CAMERAMEN, 429973 PRODUCERS! 429981 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM -- 4299924 YEARS TO REHEARSE -- 4300020 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE! 43001 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS! 43002 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL! 43003THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM! 43004Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to: 43005 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE! 43006 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the 43007 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus. 43008% 43009The Great Movie Posters: 43010 43011The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms! 43012 -- Bwana Devil (1952) 43013 43014OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING! 43015Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of 43016the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the 43017Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World! 43018 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!! 43019 -- Robot Monster (1953) 43020 430211,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes, 43022802 scared bulls! 43023 -- The Egyptian (1954) 43024% 43025The Great Movie Posters: 43026 43027The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing 43028horror on a screaming world! 43029 -- The Crawling Eye (1958) 43030 43031SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, scyscraper limbs, 43032giant desires! 43033 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958) 43034 43035Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex. 43036What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich? 43037Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does... 43038 -- The Desperate Women (1958) 43039% 43040The Great Movie Posters: 43041 43042They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure! 43043SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer! 43044 -- The Golden Mistress (1954) 43045 43046See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out! 43047 -- The French Line (1954) 43048 43049See Jane Russell Shake Her Tamborines... and Drive Cornel WILDE! 43050 -- Hot Blood (1956) 43051% 43052The Great Movie Posters: 43053 43054When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make 43055Friends... 43056 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966) 43057 43058Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels! 43059 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966) 43060 43061A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS 43062OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST. 43063 -- A Taste of Blood (1967) 43064% 43065The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations 43066like prostitutes. 43067 -- Stanley Kubrick 43068% 43069The great question that has never been answered and which I have not 43070yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the 43071feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT? 43072 -- Sigmund Freud 43073% 43074The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight. 43075At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have 43076answered themselves. 43077 -- Arthur Binstead 43078% 43079The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers 43080is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood. 43081% 43082The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. 43083 -- Sophocles 43084% 43085The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them 43086before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see 43087the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp 43088their wives and daughters to his arms. 43089 -- Genghis Khan 43090% 43091The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's. 43092 -- Polish proverb 43093% 43094The Greatest Mathematical Error 43095 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28 43096July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would 43097give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells 43098would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course 43099corrections and after 100 days the craft would cirlce the unknown planet, 43100scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed. 43101 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I 43102plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff. 43103 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from 43104the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch 43105spokesman said. 43106 This minus sign cost L4,280,000. 43107 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43108% 43109The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none. 43110% 43111The greatest productive force is human selfishness. 43112 -- Robert Heinlein 43113% 43114The greatest remedy for anger is delay. 43115% 43116The groundhog is like most other prophets; 43117it delivers its message and then disappears. 43118% 43119The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce. 43120 -- Galbraith 43121% 43122The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce. 43123 -- J.K. Galbraith 43124% 43125The hardest part of climbing the ladder of 43126success is getting through the crowd at the bottom. 43127% 43128The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. 43129 -- Albert Einstein 43130% 43131The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when 43132you put a lot of relatives on the train for home. 43133% 43134The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty 43135deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the 43136author's name on the title page. 43137 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831 43138% 43139The hatred of relatives is the most violent. 43140 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117) 43141% 43142The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality 43143of functions performed by private citizens. 43144 -- Alexis de Tocqueville 43145% 43146The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom 43147whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. 43148% 43149The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. 43150 -- Blaise Pascal 43151% 43152The heart is wiser than the intellect. 43153% 43154...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day. 43155% 43156The heaviest object in the world is the 43157body of the woman you have ceased to love. 43158 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues 43159% 43160The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: 43161 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. 43162% 43163"The hell with the prime directive! Let's kill something!" 43164% 43165The help people need most urgently is 43166help in admitting that they need help. 43167% 43168The herd instinct among economists 43169makes sheep look like independent thinkers. 43170% 43171The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet, 43172challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that 43173keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents 43174itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb 43175of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems, 43176is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of 43177adventurous youth. 43178 -- Benjamin Cardozo 43179% 43180The higher you climb, the more you show your ass. 43181 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad" 43182% 43183The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through 43184three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and 43185Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For 43186instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we 43187eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we 43188have lunch?". 43189 -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 43190% 43191The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases 43192are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus: 43193 43194Retribution: 43195 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother. 43196Anticipation: 43197 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother. 43198Diplomacy: 43199 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the 43200 pretext that your brother did it. 43201% 43202The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars." 43203 -- Johnny Carson 43204% 43205The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease 43206to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns. 43207 -- Helen Rowland 43208% 43209The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and 43210she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator. 43211 -- Bill Lawrence 43212% 43213The horror... the horror! 43214% 43215The human animal differs from the lesser 43216primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best". 43217 -- H. Allen Smith 43218% 43219The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment 43220you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. 43221 -- Sir George Jessel 43222% 43223The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of 43224its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. 43225% 43226The human mind treats a new idea the way the 43227body treats a strange protein: it rejects it. 43228 -- P. Medawar 43229% 43230The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember. 43231Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave 43232its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to 43233us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the 43234facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a 43235certain degree of awe. 43236 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 43237% 43238The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. 43239 -- Mark Twain 43240% 43241The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them. 43242 -- David Gerrold 43243% 43244The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons 43245that what she doesn't know won't hurt him. 43246 -- Leo J. Burke 43247% 43248The IBM 2250 is impressive ... 43249if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price. 43250 -- D. Cohen 43251% 43252The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair". 43253 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group" 43254% 43255The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given 43256tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than 43257it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws). 43258 -- Doug Gwyn 43259% 43260The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, 43261no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife. 43262 -- Harry V. Wade 43263% 43264The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they 43265are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally 43266understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else. 43267 -- John Maynard Keyes 43268% 43269The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest. 43270% 43271The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. 43272 -- Quintus Ennius 43273% 43274The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. 43275 -- Henry Kissinger 43276% 43277The Illiterati Programus Canto 1: 43278 A program is a lot like a nose: 43279 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows. 43280% 43281The important thing is not to stop questioning. 43282% 43283The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop. 43284% 43285The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than 43286golf has. 43287 -- The Best of Will Rogers 43288% 43289The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important 43290point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly 43291important thing to people. 43292 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King 43293% 43294The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is 43295a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell. 43296 -- Bertrand Russell 43297% 43298The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; 43299the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. 43300 -- Churchill 43301% 43302The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And 43303there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a 43304pointer and a mark. 43305 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars" 43306% 43307The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling 43308the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without 43309affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new 43310style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quitely insinuates itself into 43311manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and 43312constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by 43313overturning everything. 43314 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C. 43315% 43316The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of 43317the group divided by the number of people in the group. 43318% 43319The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They 43320treat the Arabs like postmen. 43321 -- Franklyn Ajaye 43322% 43323The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain, 43324knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the 43325Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight. 43326 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The 43327good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's 43328still in." 43329% 43330"The jig's up, Elman." 43331"Which jig?" 43332 -- Jeff Elman 43333% 43334The Junior God now heads the roll 43335In the list of heaven's peers; 43336He sits in the House of High Control, 43337And he regulates the spheres. 43338Yet does he wonder, do you suppose, 43339If, even in gods divine, 43340The best and wisest may not be those 43341Who have wallowed awhile with the swine? 43342 -- R.W. Service 43343% 43344The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable 43345debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been 43346revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor 43347quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the 43348resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the 43349workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity? 43350Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but 43351to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not 43352hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the 43353nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate 43354goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the 43355drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization. 43356 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The 43357 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace," 43358 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol. 43359 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768. 43360% 43361The Kennedy Constant: 43362 Don't get mad -- get even. 43363% 43364The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets. 43365 -- L. Zadeh 43366% 43367The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal 43368an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's 43369advantage to see the truth. 43370 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer 43371% 43372The Killer Ducks are coming!!! 43373% 43374The kind of danger people most enjoy is 43375the kind they can watch from a safe place. 43376% 43377The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field: 43378 43379King: "How goes the battle plan?" 43380Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?" 43381K: "Yes." 43382A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running 43383 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till 43384 the dust clears." 43385K: "And?" 43386A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win." 43387K: "But what about the 43388^#!!$% battle plan?" 43389A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks." 43390% 43391The knowledge that makes us cherish 43392innocence makes innocence unattainable. 43393 -- Irving Howe 43394% 43395The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is 43396the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free 43397world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher 43398dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person 43399per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill 43400really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and 43401drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle. 43402I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined. 43403And now, just look at me." 43404% 43405The ladies men admire, I've heard, 43406Would shudder at a wicked word. 43407Their candle gives a single light; 43408They'd rather stay at home at night. 43409They do not keep awake till three, 43410Nor read erotic poetry. 43411They never sanction the impure, 43412Nor recognize an overture. 43413They shrink from powders and from paints... 43414So far, I've had no complaints. 43415 -- Dorothy Parker 43416% 43417The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry. 43418Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor. 43419 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988 43420% 43421The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for 43422everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired. 43423% 43424The last person that quit or was fired will be the held responsible 43425for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is 43426fired. 43427% 43428The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it. 43429% 43430The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. 43431 -- Blaise Pascal 43432% 43433The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own 43434hand. 43435 -- Fred Allen 43436% 43437The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word 43438processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs." 43439 -- Roy Blount, Jr. 43440% 43441The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away. 43442 -- Governor Tarkin 43443% 43444The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, 43445to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. 43446 -- Anatole France 43447% 43448The Law of Probable Dispersal: 43449 That which hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 43450% 43451The Law of the Letter: 43452 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope. 43453% 43454The Law of the Perversity of Nature: 43455 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. 43456% 43457The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men 43458should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal 43459weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine 43460we own. 43461 -- H.G. Wells 43462% 43463The Least Perceptive Literary Critic 43464 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A 43465most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to 43466give a public reading of his latest poem. 43467 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord 43468Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. 43469Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me." 43470 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable 43471and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark 43472the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better 43473turn." 43474 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr. 43475Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the 43476lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on 43477Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation 43478on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him 43479much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event." 43480 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem 43481exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of 43482their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can 43483be better." 43484 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43485% 43486The Least Successful Animal Rescue 43487 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal 43488rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over 43489emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly 43490lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a 43491tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. 43492So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off 43493later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it. 43494 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43495% 43496The Least Successful Collector 43497 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She 43498was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had 43499amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the 43500works of Shakespeare. 43501 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond 43502legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The 43503remaining three folios are now in the British Museum. 43504 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned 43505the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the 43506French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper. 43507 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43508% 43509The Least Successful Defrosting Device 43510 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster 43511whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it. 43512 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips 43513got stuck fast." 43514 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he 43515was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away. 43516 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of... 43517muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer. 43518 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until 43519constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot 43520Lips". 43521 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43522% 43523The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement 43524 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish 43525Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality 43526legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay 43527enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for 43528men and women. 43529 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43530% 43531The Least Successful Executions 43532 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. 43533The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were 43534made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope 43535snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he 43536and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital 43537punishment, he was reprieved. 43538 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who 43539tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each 43540occasion failed to get the trap door open. 43541 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted 43542Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated 43543to America and lived until 1933. 43544 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43545% 43546The Least Successful Police Dogs 43547 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking 43548schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida 43549in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or 43550offend the criminal classes. 43551 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up 43552and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him." 43553 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a 43554stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug 43555raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in 435561967. 43557 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they 43558patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the 43559fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at 43560him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh. 43561 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43562% 43563The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. 43564 -- Kin Hubbard 43565% 43566The less time planning, the more time programming. 43567% 43568THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE 43569 43570 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming 43571Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College 43572for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write 43573code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, 43574END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a 43575syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving 43576the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, 43577frustrating process of testing and debugging. 43578% 43579THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP 43580 43581 This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San 43582Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; 43583users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing 43584lithtth. 43585% 43586THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL 43587 43588 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. 43589Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, 43590SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty- 43591three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals 43592while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers 43593often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. 43594% 43595THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL 43596 43597 VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the 43598industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW. 43599Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other 43600operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are 43601accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example: 43602 43603 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START 43604 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND 43605 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND 43606 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 43607 THEN 43608 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 43609 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) 43610 SURE 43611 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE 43612 GOTO THE MALL 43613 43614 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For 43615example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the 43616message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY 43617AWESOME! 43618% 43619THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO 43620 43621 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO 43622DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include 43623SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy 43624graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as 43625it travels across the screen. 43626% 43627THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE 43628 43629 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely 43630unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. 43631Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE 43632programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. 43633% 43634THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C- 43635 43636 This language was named for the grade received by its creator when 43637he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is 43638best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language 43639generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute 43640a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. 43641% 43642THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH 43643 43644 FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types 43645refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to 43646FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands 43647refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, 43648VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND. 43649 The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and 43650financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and 43651LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD, 43652RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers 43653who end up using this language. 43654% 43655THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK 43656 43657 LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for 43658T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more 43659intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley. 43660 The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs 43661while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long, 43662since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier. 43663 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a 43664gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to 43665syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT. 43666% 43667The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. 43668 -- Lenny Bruce 43669% 43670The life which is unexamined is not worth living. 43671 -- Plato 43672% 43673The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. 43674% 43675The lion and the calf shall lie down 43676together but the calf won't get much sleep. 43677 -- Woody Allen 43678% 43679The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll. 43680She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love. 43681 -- DeGourmont 43682% 43683The little pieces of my life I give to you, 43684with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold. 43685% 43686The little town that time forgot, 43687Where all the women are strong, 43688The men are good-looking, 43689And the children above-average. 43690 -- Prairie Home Companion 43691% 43692The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his 43693door with a basket of kittens. 43694 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?" 43695 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied. 43696Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little 43697girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens. 43698 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said. 43699 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered. 43700 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled. 43701 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed." 43702% 43703The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, 43704for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be 43705simply making a limiting statement about himself. 43706 -- Sidney Harris 43707% 43708The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. 43709 -- Henry Kissinger 43710% 43711The longer the title, the less important the job. 43712% 43713The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. 43714 -- Marcus Terentius Varro 43715% 43716The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we 43717could grab as much as we could with both of them. 43718 -- Major Major's father 43719% 43720The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. 43721Indian Giver be the name of the Lord. 43722% 43723The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes 43724so many of them. 43725 -- Abraham Lincoln 43726% 43727The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons. 43728 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 43729% 43730The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of 43731the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at 43732her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic 43733Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my 43734steel through your last meal!' 43735 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 43736% 43737The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. 43738% 43739The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, 43740Are of imagination all compact... 43741 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream" 43742% 43743The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best. 43744% 43745The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end. 43746 -- Benjamin Disraeli 43747% 43748The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs. 43749 -- Kevin Cowherd 43750% 43751The major advances in civilization are processes 43752that all but wreck the societies in which they occur. 43753 -- A.N. Whitehead 43754% 43755The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the 43756bonds will eventually mature. 43757% 43758The major sin is the sin of being born. 43759 -- Samuel Beckett 43760% 43761The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play 43762the violin. 43763 -- Honore DeBalzac 43764% 43765The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. 43766The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of 43767consistency. 43768 -- Albert Einstein 43769% 43770The makers may make, 43771And the users may use, 43772But the fixers must fix 43773With but minimal clues. 43774% 43775The man she had was kind and clean 43776And well enough for every day, 43777But oh, dear friends, you should have seen 43778The one that got away. 43779 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman" 43780% 43781The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner 43782 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is 43783Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost 43784invented it. 43785 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an 43786American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets. 43787 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top. 43788After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze 43789-- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room. 43790 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the 43791point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves 43792the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is 43793not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved 43794that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and 43795sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards. 43796 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 43797% 43798The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. 43799The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever 43800been. 43801 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 43802% 43803The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. 43804 -- Menander 43805% 43806The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news. 43807 -- Bertolt Brecht 43808% 43809The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. 43810 -- H.G. Wells, "Time After Time" 43811% 43812The man who runs may fight again. 43813 -- Menander 43814% 43815The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount 43816Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed. 43817 -- Old Japanese proverb 43818% 43819The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that 43820will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. 43821 -- Mark Twain 43822% 43823The man who understands one woman is 43824qualified to understand pretty well everything. 43825 -- Yeats 43826% 43827The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has 43828to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?" 43829 -- Will Rogers 43830 43831The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit. 43832 -- Vice President John Nance Garner 43833% 43834The Marines: 43835 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach. 43836% 43837The Marines: 43838 The few, the proud, the not very bright. 43839% 43840The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning 43841wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city. 43842 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire" 43843% 43844The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, 43845while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. 43846 -- Wilhelm Stekel 43847% 43848The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice 43849and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the 43850master calls a butterfly. 43851 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 43852% 43853The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of 43854husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism 43855are one, and that one is marxism. 43856 -- Heidi Hartmann, 43857 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism" 43858% 43859The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort! 43860% 43861The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a 43862soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car 43863which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years. 43864% 43865The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest. 43866 -- Bulwer 43867% 43868The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time. 43869% 43870The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, 43871always end up on their ends without any means. 43872 -- Saul Alinsky 43873% 43874The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out. 43875Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." 43876% 43877The meek don't want it. 43878% 43879The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3. 43880% 43881The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. 43882% 43883The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that 43884time there won't be anything left worth inheriting. 43885% 43886The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights. 43887 -- J.P. Getty 43888% 43889The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe. 43890% 43891The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars. 43892% 43893The meek shall inherit the Earth. 43894(But they're gonna have to fight for it.) 43895% 43896The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you. 43897% 43898The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two 43899chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. 43900 -- Carl Jung 43901% 43902[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be 43903undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful 43904for impotency. 43905 -- W. Churchill 43906% 43907The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, 43908 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." 43909 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" 43910 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" 43911% 43912The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. 43913% 43914The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another 43915mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same 43916being who produces the impressions. 43917 -- Marquis D.A.F. de Sade 43918% 43919The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be 43920general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that 43921any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby 43922not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library 43923Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer 43924Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its 43925predictive power. 43926 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems 43927 Thinking" 43928% 43929The Modelski Chain Rule: 439301: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your 43931 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your 43932 Hewlett-Packard. 439332: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly 43934 bright-looking individual. 439353: Procure a large chain. 439364: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely 43937 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem. 43938 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound 43939 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business. 43940% 43941"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of 43942themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become 43943of the bicuspids?" 43944 -- The Old Man and his Bridge 43945% 43946The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. 43947 -- Nicol Williamson 43948% 43949The moon is made of green cheese. 43950 -- John Heywood 43951% 43952The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. 43953% 43954The Moral Majority is neither. 43955% 43956The more complex the mind, the greater 43957the need for the simplicity of play. 43958 -- Captain Kirk, "Shore Leave" 43959% 43960The more control, the more that requires control. 43961% 43962The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater 43963the odds that the competition already has the order. 43964% 43965The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 43966% 43967The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the 43968lower the mailing cost. 43969 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 43970% 43971The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons. 43972 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 43973% 43974The more I know men the more I like my horse. 43975% 43976The more I see of men the more I admire dogs. 43977 -- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696 43978% 43979The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. 43980 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 43981% 43982The more laws and order are made prominent, 43983the more thieves and robbers there will be. 43984 -- Lao Tsu 43985% 43986The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For 43987instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, 43988contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...) 43989% 43990The more the merrier. 43991 -- John Heywood 43992% 43993The more they over-think the plumbing 43994the easier it is to stop up the drain. 43995% 43996The more things change, the more they remain the same. 43997 -- Alphonse Karr 43998% 43999The more things change, the more they stay insane. 44000% 44001The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again. 44002% 44003The more we disagree, the more chance 44004there is that at least one of us is right. 44005% 44006The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. 44007% 44008The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war. 44009% 44010The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke. 44011First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize, 44012three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each. 44013% 44014The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble. 44015% 44016The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk. 44017% 44018The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to 44019exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but 44020rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and 44021flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst 44022have the good fortune to find one. 44023 -- Carlyle 44024% 44025The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common 44026family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number 44027of people in the world named Mohammad Chang? 44028 -- Derek Wills 44029% 44030The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately 44031in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. 44032 -- H.L. Mencken 44033% 44034The most dangerous food is wedding cake. 44035 -- American proverb 44036% 44037The most dangerous organization in America today is: 44038 44039 a) The KKK 44040 b) The American Nazi Party 44041 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club 44042% 44043The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in 44044the country is the one on which you resell it. 44045 -- J. Brecheux 44046% 44047The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS 44048is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian. 44049% 44050The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a 44051thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting. 44052 -- T.H. White 44053% 44054The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding. 44055% 44056The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does 44057not approach what your best friends say behind your back. 44058 -- Alfred De Musset 44059% 44060The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 44061discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." 44062 -- Isaac Asimov 44063% 44064The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a 44065ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last 44066it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal 44067woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children, 44068the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the 44069bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold 44070in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman, 44071starts a long, long time before the event. 44072 -- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham", 44073 from "Congress Eate It Up" 44074% 44075...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man: 44076freshman English at a Midwestern university. 44077 -- Tom Wolfe 44078% 44079The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union 44080of a deaf man to a blind woman. 44081 -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge 44082% 44083The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise. 44084% 44085The most important early product on the way 44086to developing a good product is an imperfect version. 44087% 44088The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating 44089people to approach printed matter with distrust. 44090% 44091The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman 44092is that one of them be good at taking orders. 44093 -- Linda Festa 44094% 44095The most important things, each person must do for himself. 44096% 44097The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. 44098 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I" 44099% 44100The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national 44101conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the 44102participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national 44103organization. 44104 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national 44105organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The 44106orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you 44107know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had 44108every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished. 44109 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New* 44110New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it. 44111 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The 44112Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the 44113weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning, 44114a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body 44115with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the 44116Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly 44117white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or 44118so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution 44119or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real 44120possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying 44121lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their 44122demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their 44123astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed 44124an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the 44125radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of 44126existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion 44127and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and 44128broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'" 44129 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988 44130% 44131The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she 44132served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never 44133been found. 44134 -- Calvin Trillin 44135% 44136The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the 44137biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to 44138them were fishermen. 44139 -- Arthur Binstead 44140% 44141The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible 44142 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert 44143Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained 44144several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from 44145the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority, 44146to commit adultery. 44147 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote 44148country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined 44149the printers L3,000. 44150 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 44151% 44152The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little 44153children for their insurance money. 44154 -- Sherlock Holmes 44155% 44156The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. 44157% 44158The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, 44159 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit 44160Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, 44161 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it. 44162% 44163The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the 44164perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love 44165seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it. 44166% 44167The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. 44168 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 44169% 44170The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe. 44171 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy 44172% 44173The nearer to the church, the further from God. 44174 -- John Heywood 44175% 44176The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded 44177in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but 44178occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that! 44179 -- James 'Kibo' Parry 44180% 44181The net of law is spread so wide, 44182No sinner from its sweep may hide. 44183Its meshes are so fine and strong, 44184They take in every child of wrong. 44185O wondrous web of mystery! 44186Big fish alone escape from thee! 44187 -- James Jeffrey Roche 44188% 44189The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. 44190I hope I don't get run over again. 44191% 44192The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 44193doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. 44194% 44195THE NEW RIGHT: 44196 A javelin team that elects to receive. 44197% 44198The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, 44199in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. 44200 44201 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: 44202 for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. 44203 44204 -- Matthew 5:37 44205% 44206The next person to mention spaghetti stacks 44207to me is going to have his head knocked off. 44208 -- Bill Conrad 44209% 44210The next thing I say to you will be true. 44211The last thing I said was false. 44212% 44213The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. 44214 -- Lucille S. Harper 44215% 44216The nice thing about standards 44217is that there are so many of them to choose from. 44218 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 44219% 44220The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night. 44221% 44222The night passes quickly when you're asleep 44223But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat 44224... 44225Breakfast at the Egg House, 44226Like the waffle on the griddle, 44227I'm burnt around the edges, 44228But I'm tender in the middle. 44229 -- Adrian Belew 44230% 44231The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered 44232rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen 44233bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 44234'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh. 44235 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. 44236% 44237The notion of a "record" is an obsolete 44238remnant of the days of the 80-column card. 44239 -- D.M. Ritchie 44240% 44241The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely 44242proportional to the number of bugs in their code. 44243% 44244The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success 44245of the barbecue. 44246% 44247The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine 44248increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice. 44249% 44250The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. 44251 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972 44252% 44253The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post 44254is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer 44255is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country. 44256 -- Robert Woodhead 44257% 44258The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze 44259all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have 44260answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems 44261when called upon. 44262 However... 44263When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind 44264yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. 44265% 44266The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million. 44267% 44268The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator". 44269% 44270The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: 44271 44272 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the 44273 Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director 44274 of Corporate Planning." 44275% 44276The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane: 44277 44278 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless 44279 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you 44280 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the 44281 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome. 44282% 44283The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps: 44284 44285 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy 44286 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate 44287 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La 44288 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the 44289 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun 44290 god at 8:15 the next morning. 44291% 44292The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds 44293is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been 44294more like fourteen. 44295 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire" 44296% 44297The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the 44298New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that 44299they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont. 44300 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have 44301taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!" 44302% 44303THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time 44304to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the 44305floor. 44306 44307"Sorry," he said with a smile. 44308 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 44309% 44310The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. 44311% 44312The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. 44313Let the reader catch his own breath. 44314 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart 44315% 44316The older I grow, the more I distrust the 44317familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. 44318 -- H.L. Mencken 44319% 44320The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity. 44321 -- Oscar Wilde 44322% 44323The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. 44324% 44325The one good thing about repeating your 44326mistakes is that you know when to cringe. 44327% 44328The one L lama, he's a priest 44329The two L llama, he's a beast 44330And I will bet my silk pyjama 44331There isn't any three L lllama. 44332 -- O. Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally 44333 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama." 44334% 44335The One Page Principle: 44336 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper 44337 cannot be understood. 44338 -- Mark Ardis 44339% 44340The one sure way to make a lazy man look 44341respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand. 44342% 44343The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed. 44344 -- Abbey Hoffman 44345% 44346The only certainty is that nothing is certain. 44347 -- Pliny the Elder 44348% 44349The only constant is change. 44350% 44351The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a 44352right turn on a red light. 44353 -- Woody Allen 44354% 44355The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is 44356that the car salesman knows he's lying. 44357% 44358The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. 44359% 44360The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that 44361every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. 44362 -- Oscar Wilde 44363% 44364The only difference in the game of love over the last few 44365thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds. 44366 -- The Indianapolis Star 44367% 44368The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look 44369respectable. 44370 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 44371% 44372The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. 44373The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may 44374experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and 44375thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever 44376could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very 44377swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels 44378much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of 44379oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach 44380it and are delighted. 44381 -- Nietzsche 44382% 44383The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism. 44384 -- Dorothy Parker 44385% 44386The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is 44387that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences; 44388beyond this they have not legitimacy. 44389 -- Einstein. 44390% 44391The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away 44392is your husband. 44393% 44394The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live, 44395mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, 44396the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn 44397like fabulous yellow Roman candles. 44398 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road" 44399% 44400The only people who make love all the time are liars. 44401 -- Louis Jordan 44402% 44403The only perfect science is hind-sight. 44404% 44405The only person to get all of his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. 44406% 44407The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. 44408% 44409The only possible interpretation of any research 44410whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't. 44411% 44412The only possible interpretation of any research 44413whatever in the 'social sciences' is: some do, some don't. 44414 -- Ernest Rutherford 44415% 44416The only problem with being a man of leisure 44417is that you can never stop and take a rest. 44418% 44419The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. 44420 -- Phaedrus 44421% 44422The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to 44423be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to 44424be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think 44425you've got something really great, add ten per cent more. 44426 -- Bill Veeck 44427% 44428The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a 44429plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal 44430other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable. 44431 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On" 44432% 44433The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it. 44434% 44435The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method 44436for getting acquainted. 44437 -- Heywood Broun 44438% 44439The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. 44440 -- C. Schultz 44441% 44442The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise 44443of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock. 44444 -- Colette 44445% 44446The only reward of virtue is virtue. 44447 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 44448% 44449The only rose without thorns is friendship. 44450% 44451The only thing better than love is milk. 44452% 44453The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk. 44454% 44455The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches 44456us nothing. 44457 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog) 44458% 44459The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that 44460the first one was useless. 44461 -- Nicolas Chamfort 44462% 44463The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. 44464It is never any use to oneself. 44465 -- Oscar Wilde 44466% 44467The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn. 44468 -- Earl Warren 44469 44470That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all 44471the lessons that history has to teach. 44472 -- Aldous Huxley 44473 44474We learn from history that we do not learn from history. 44475 -- Georg Hegel 44476 44477HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn 44478nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened 44479this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view. 44480 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 44481% 44482The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything. 44483 -- C. Schultz 44484% 44485The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge 44486and guilt. 44487 -- Elvis Costello 44488% 44489The only way to amuse some people 44490is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. 44491% 44492The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. 44493 -- Oscar Wilde 44494% 44495The only way to keep you health is to eat what you don't want, 44496drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. 44497 -- Mark Twain 44498% 44499The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. 44500 -- David Gerrold 44501% 44502The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt 44503in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together. 44504 -- Jean de la Bruyere 44505% 44506The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up 44507until 5 or 6 PM. 44508% 44509The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. 44510It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm. 44511% 44512The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite 44513of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 44514 -- Niels Bohr 44515% 44516The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 44517 -- Bohr 44518% 44519The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is 44520waiting. 44521 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 44522% 44523The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, 44524and the pessimist knows it. 44525 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists" 44526 44527Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking 44528almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all 44529possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. 44530 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion" 44531% 44532The optimum committee has no members. 44533 -- Norman Augustine 44534% 44535The opulence of the front office door varies 44536inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. 44537% 44538The orders come down and they march us away. 44539There's a battle outside and we join in the fray. 44540God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day, 44541But it's better than working for Xerox. 44542 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask" 44543% 44544The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. 44545 -- Steven Wright 44546% 44547The other line moves faster. 44548% 44549The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on 44550a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance 44551with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke 44552English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a 44553pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her 44554head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a 44555table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to 44556dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They 44557went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious 44558evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew 44559a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has 44560never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. 44561% 44562The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me". 44563% 44564The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add. 44565 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court 44566% 44567The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what 44568she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked, 44569 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?" 44570 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals." 44571% 44572The past always looks better than it was. 44573It's only pleasant because it isn't here. 44574 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) 44575% 44576The people sensible enough to give 44577good advice are usually sensible enough to give none. 44578% 44579The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly -- 44580not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you 44581waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are. 44582In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the 44583person you have always wanted to be. 44584 -- Nancy Friday 44585% 44586The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M. 44587 -- Charles Pierce 44588% 44589The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner, 44590but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that 44591quality of joy. 44592 -- Erica Jong 44593% 44594The person who can smile when something 44595goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. 44596% 44597The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. 44598% 44599The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it. 44600% 44601The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying. 44602% 44603The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes. 44604% 44605The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip 44606market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and 44607is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose" 44608 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982 44609% 44610The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that, 44611when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers 44612become soft. 44613% 44614The philosopher's treatment of a question 44615is like the treatment of an illness. 44616 -- Wittgenstein. 44617% 44618The Phone Booth Rule: 44619 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right. 44620% 44621The Pig, if I am not mistaken, 44622Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. 44623Let others think his heart is big, 44624I think it stupid of the Pig. 44625% 44626The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang 44627and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter 44628connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center 44629fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were 44630blound by the sun and he dropped it. 44631 -- Dizzy Dean 44632% 44633The plural of spouse is spice. 44634% 44635The Poems, all three hundred of them, 44636may be summed up in one of their phrases: 44637"Let our thoughts be correct". 44638 -- Confucius 44639% 44640The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life 44641 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George 44642Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his 44643verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well". 44644 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his 44645work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually 44646lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel". 44647 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically 44648rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with 44649the higher emotions. 44650 She would me "Honey" call, 44651 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too. 44652 But now alas! She's left me 44653 Falero, lero, loo. 44654 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize 44655was her prudent choice of footwear. 44656 The fives did fit her shoe. 44657 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by 44658the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the 44659Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and 44660begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied, 44661"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the 44662worst poet in England." 44663 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 44664% 44665The poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war, 44666and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy." 44667 -- Celine 44668% 44669The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad 44670trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and 44671save your sanity for later. 44672% 44673The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be 44674addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally 44675important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not 44676expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can 44677we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing 44678true distaste. 44679 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly 44680 Correct Behavior" 44681% 44682The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment. 44683To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog. 44684 -- Buckminster Fuller 44685% 44686The pollution's at that awkward stage. 44687Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate. 44688 -- Doug Sneyd 44689% 44690The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it. 44691 -- Anthony Burgess 44692% 44693The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor 44694prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, 44695or to the people. 44696 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights) 44697% 44698The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, 44699 Were each of them once a kiddie. 44700A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. 44701 Do I want one? God Forbiddie! 44702 -- Ogden Nash 44703% 44704The president publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's 44705remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!". Those 44706offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. 44707 -- Channel 11 News, Baltimore, on Billy Carter 44708% 44709The prettiest women are almost always the most 44710boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God. 44711 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 44712% 44713The price of greatness is responsibility. 44714% 44715The price of success in philosophy is triviality. 44716 -- C. Glymour. 44717% 44718The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate 44719knowledge of its ugly side. 44720 -- James Baldwin 44721% 44722The primary function of the design engineer is to make things 44723difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. 44724% 44725The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; 44726instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the 44727variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead 44728of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the 44729program, should the value of pi change. 44730 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers 44731% 44732The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" 44733represents the secondary theme: 44734 44735 Law Enforcement Officials 44736 44737The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: 44738 44739 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials 44740 -- M. Gallaher 44741% 44742The probability of someone watching you is directly 44743proportional to the stupidity of your action. 44744% 44745The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, 44746a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem. 44747 -- Mike Smith 44748% 44749The problem with any unwritten law is that 44750you don't know where to go to erase it. 44751 -- Glaser and Way 44752% 44753The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have 44754to sleep every few days. 44755% 44756The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my 44757time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my 44758government because they could not keep up. 44759 -- Idi Amin Dada 44760% 44761The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that 44762for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good 44763requires intent. 44764% 44765The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can 44766be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. 44767 -- Elizabeth Taylor 44768% 44769The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 44770% 44771The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty 44772for incompetence. 44773% 44774The problems of business administration in general, and database management in 44775particular are much to difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded 44776with sloppy english. 44777 -- Edsger Dijkstra 44778% 44779The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, 44780stable business. 44781 -- John Steinbeck 44782% 44783The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead. 44784% 44785The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom their 44786thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. 44787 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the 44788battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved 44789blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. 44790 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? 44791 The answer exists only in the Tao. 44792% 44793The proof of the pudding is in the eating. 44794 -- Miguel de Cervantes 44795% 44796The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel 44797and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a 44798horse. 44799 -- Jac Goudsmit 44800% 44801The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper 44802thoughts about their neighbours. 44803 -- F.H. Bradley 44804% 44805The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's 44806outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake 44807since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its 44808victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before 44809running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. 44810 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 44811% 44812The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit 44813raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no 44814certainties. 44815 -- H.L. Mencken, "Prejudice" 44816% 44817The Public is merely a multiplied "me." 44818 -- Mark Twain 44819% 44820The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but 44821because it gave pleasure to the spectators. 44822 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England" 44823% 44824The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're 44825not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not 44826engineers. 44827% 44828"The pyramid is opening!" 44829"Which one?" 44830"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" 44831% 44832The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. 44833% 44834The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to 44835join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its 44836attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every 44837sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good 44838whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot 44839contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them 44840remain each in their own position. 44841 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from 44842 Queen Victoria 44843% 44844The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of 44845whether submarines can swim. 44846 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 44847% 44848The questions remain the same. 44849The answers are eternally variable. 44850% 44851The Rabbits The Cow 44852Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk; 44853That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk. 44854 -- Ogden Nash 44855% 44856The race is not always to the swift, nor the 44857battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. 44858 -- Damon Runyon 44859% 44860The rain it raineth on the just 44861And also on the unjust fella: 44862But chiefly on the just, because 44863The unjust steals the just's umbrella. 44864 -- Lord Bowen 44865% 44866The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. 44867% 44868The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise 44869measurement of the speed of blight. 44870% 44871The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the 44872illiterates can read. 44873 -- Alberto Moravia 44874% 44875The real man's Bloody Mary: 44876 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire 44877 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery. 44878 44879 Fill a large tumbler with vodka. 44880 Throw all the other ingredients away. 44881% 44882The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys. 44883% 44884The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking. 44885 -- Christopher Morley 44886% 44887The real reason large families benefit society is because at least 44888a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners. 44889% 44890The real reason psychology is hard is that 44891psychologists are trying to do the impossible. 44892% 44893The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. 44894% 44895The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. 44896% 44897The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love. 44898 -- Don Rose 44899% 44900The reason that every major university maintains a department of 44901mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those 44902people. 44903% 44904The reason they're called wisdom teeth 44905is that the experience makes you wise. 44906% 44907The reason why worry kills more people 44908than work is that more people worry than work. 44909% 44910The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one 44911persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress 44912depends on the unreasonable man. 44913 -- George Bernard Shaw 44914% 44915The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its 44916financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of 44917a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy 44918industry, Honduras because the coffeee price went sour, Zaire because 44919nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country. 44920 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book 44921% 44922The relative importance of files depends on their cost 44923in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them. 44924 -- T.A. Dolotta 44925% 44926The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk 44927of a Dodge Dart. 44928 -- Lisa Alther 44929% 44930The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher 44931Called a hen a most elegant creature. 44932 The hen, pleased with that, 44933 Laid an egg in his hat -- 44934And thus did the hen reward Beecher. 44935 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 44936% 44937The reverse side also has a reverse side. 44938 -- Japanese proverb 44939% 44940The revolution will not be televised. 44941% 44942The reward for working hard is more hard work. 44943% 44944The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. 44945 -- Emerson 44946% 44947The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. 44948The haves get more, the have-nots die. 44949% 44950The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. 44951This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. 44952% 44953The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be 44954taken seriously. 44955 -- Hubert Humphrey 44956% 44957The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be 44958taken seriously. 44959 -- Hubert Humphrey 44960% 44961The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom. 44962 -- Justice Douglas 44963% 44964The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared 44965for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his 44966infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and 44967upon the successful management of which so much remains. 44968 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist 44969% 44970The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the 44971House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights 44972you have and what rights you have not got. 44973 -- J. Parnell Thomas 44974% 44975The ripest fruit falls first. 44976 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 44977% 44978The road to Hades is easy to travel. 44979 -- Bion 44980% 44981The road to hell is paved with NAND gates. 44982 -- J. Gooding 44983% 44984The road to ruin is always in good repair, 44985and the travellers pay the expense of it. 44986 -- Josh Billings 44987% 44988The Roman Rule 44989 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the 44990 one who is doing it. 44991% 44992The root of all superstition is that men 44993observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses. 44994 -- Francis Bacon 44995% 44996The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us. 44997% 44998The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in 44999his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on 45000one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't 45001take it too seriously. 45002 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 45003% 45004The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today. 45005 -- Lewis Carroll 45006% 45007The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or 45008give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. 45009 -- Jane Bryant Quinn 45010% 45011The rules: 45012 450131: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems. 450142: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at 45015 the console keyboard. 450163: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little 45017 card decks together. 450184: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system, 45019 especially if you're already married. 450205: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as 45021 a stool to reach another disk pack. 450226: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour 45023 shift. 450247: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their 45025 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces. 450268: Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job. 450279: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room. 4502810: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens". 45029% 45030The Russians have put a small ball up in the air. 45031That does not raise my apprehensions one iota. 45032 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 45033% 45034The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market 45035award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal 45036gesture by the individual to himself. 45037 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal" 45038% 45039The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics! 45040% 45041The savior becomes the victim. 45042% 45043The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse. 45044 45045Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'. 45046 Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..." 45047 45048Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*. 45049% 45050The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 45051showed that all had these things in common: 45052 45053 1) They all had moderate appetites. 45054 2) They all came from middle class homes. 45055 3) All but two of them were dead. 45056% 45057The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is 45058a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings 45059of civilization. 45060 -- T.K. 45061% 45062The second best policy is dishonesty. 45063% 45064The Second Law of Thermodynamics: 45065 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait! 45066 -- Jim Warner 45067% 45068The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody. 45069% 45070The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food. 45071% 45072The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, 45073you've got it made. 45074 -- Jean Giraudoux 45075% 45076The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; 45077there is no humor in Heaven. 45078 -- Mark Twain 45079% 45080The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone 45081beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why! 45082 -- Harry Skelton 45083% 45084The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he 45085reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray 45086Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace 45087of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of 45088him are dead, he is alive. 45089 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached 45090everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce 45091host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and 45092equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." 45093 "How?" demanded Fafhrd. 45094 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." 45095 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar" 45096% 45097The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth, 45098and sixth years. 45099% 45100The sheep died in the wool. 45101% 45102The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. 45103 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 45104% 45105The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line. 45106% 45107The shortest distance between two points is under construction. 45108 -- Noelie Altito 45109% 45110The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed. 45111 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia 45112% 45113The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft 45114voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity. 45115 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907 45116% 45117The sixth shiek's sixth sheep's sick. 45118 -- [just say that five times...] 45119% 45120The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing. 45121 -- Judge Harold T. Stone 45122% 45123The smallest worm will turn being trodden on. 45124 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 45125% 45126The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing, 45127And surly Winter grimly flies. 45128Now crystal clear are the falling waters, 45129And bonnie blue are the sunny skies. 45130Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning, 45131The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell: 45132All creatures joy in the sun's returning, 45133And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell. 45134 45135The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer, 45136The yellow Autumn presses near; 45137Then in his turn come gloomy Winter, 45138Till smiling Spring again appear. 45139Thus seasons dancing, life advancing, 45140Old Time and Nature their changes tell; 45141But never ranging, still unchanging, 45142I adore my bonnie Bell. 45143 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell" 45144% 45145The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an 45146"airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers 45147while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- 45148one can see only a very few things at once. 45149 -- Fred Brooks 45150% 45151The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the 45152rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors. 45153 -- Max Lerner 45154% 45155The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and 45156tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will 45157have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor 45158its theories will hold water. 45159% 45160The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door 45161He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore" 45162The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before 45163And slowly she let him inside. 45164 45165He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young 45166But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won 45167And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun 45168And now will you tell me why?" 45169 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier" 45170% 45171The solution of problems is the most characteristic 45172and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking. 45173 -- William James 45174% 45175The solution of this problem is trivial 45176and is left as an exercise for the reader. 45177% 45178The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. 45179 -- Peer 45180% 45181The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from 45182his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was 45183sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and 45184active, and had the strange notion that church should also be avtive and 45185exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little dissapointed with the 45186dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it. 45187 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and 45188vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation 45189was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was 45190horrified! Then came the children's lesson. 45191 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table. 45192The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against 45193the table as the children gathered around him. 45194 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" 45195 There was total silence. 45196 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" 45197 Total silence. 45198 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please, 45199sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me." 45200% 45201The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money. 45202 -- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon 45203% 45204The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money. 45205 -- Ed Bluestone 45206% 45207The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. 45208% 45209The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. 45210% 45211The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound. 45212In town a noun might wear a gown, 45213or further down, might dress a clown. 45214A noun that's sound would never clown, 45215but unsound nouns jump up and down. 45216The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing, 45217and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound. 45218But please don't let that get you down, 45219the renown of your gown is the talk of the town. 45220 -- A. Nonnie Mouse 45221% 45222The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet 45223themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week 45224against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat 45225Russian, get off my Ford Escort." 45226 -- Dennis Miller 45227% 45228The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything. 45229% 45230The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the 45231philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world 45232is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying 45233reality. 45234 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 45235% 45236The star of riches is shining upon you. 45237% 45238The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers 45239written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not 45240follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces 45241of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took 45242the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held 45243in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation 45244died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put 45245back by years. 45246 -- Douglas Adams 45247% 45248The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin. 45249 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices" 45250% 45251The steady state of disks is full. 45252 -- Ken Thompson 45253% 45254The story of the butterfly: 45255 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love, 45256a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go 45257out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on 45258the third day, I heard a knock." 45259 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight, 45260there was nothing." 45261 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away." 45262 -- Peter Carey, BLISS 45263% 45264The story you are about to hear is true. 45265Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. 45266% 45267The street preacher looked so baffled 45268When I asked him why he dressed 45269With forty pounds of headlines 45270Stapled to his chest. 45271But he cursed me when I proved to him 45272I said, "Not even you can hide. 45273You see, you're just like me. 45274I hope you're satisfied." 45275 -- Bob Dylan 45276% 45277The streets were dark with something more than night. 45278 -- Raymond Chandler 45279% 45280The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay. 45281% 45282The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay. 45283% 45284The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He 45285can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless 45286existance recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is 45287that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition -- 45288that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones. 45289He creates himself by fashoning his own values; he has the pride to live 45290by the values he wills. 45291 -- Nietzsche 45292% 45293The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have 45294yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand. 45295 -- The Silver Surfer 45296% 45297The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant. 45298The population is, of course, growing. 45299% 45300The sun never sets on those who ride into it. 45301 -- RKO 45302% 45303The sun was shining on the sea, 45304Shining with all his might: 45305He did his very best to make 45306The billows smooth and bright -- 45307And this was very odd, because it was 45308The middle of the night. 45309 -- Lewis Carroll 45310% 45311The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness. 45312 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed" 45313% 45314The superfluous is very necessary. 45315 -- Voltaire 45316% 45317The superior man understands what is right; 45318the inferior man understands what will sell. 45319 -- Confucius 45320% 45321The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their 45322way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, 45323whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other 45324side a consistency, forsight and coherence that its own experience belies. 45325Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to 45326speak of the room. 45327 -- Henry Kissinger 45328% 45329The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed. 45330% 45331The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife. 45332% 45333The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher 45334esteem those who think alike than those who think differently. 45335 -- Nietzsche 45336% 45337The surest way to remain a winner is to 45338win once, and then not play any more. 45339% 45340The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core -- 45341Scratch a lover and find a foe! 45342 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness" 45343% 45344The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday. 45345% 45346The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance. 45347% 45348The Tao doesn't take sides; 45349it gives birth to both wins and losses. 45350The Guru doesn't take sides; 45351she welcomes both hackers and lusers. 45352 45353The Tao is like a stack: 45354the data changes but not the structure. 45355the more you use it, the deeper it becomes; 45356the more you talk of it, the less you understand. 45357 45358Hold on to the root. 45359% 45360The Tao is like a glob pattern: 45361used but never used up. 45362It is like the extern void: 45363filled with infinite possibilities. 45364 45365It is masked but always present. 45366I don't know who built to it. 45367It came before the first kernel. 45368% 45369The tao that can be tar(1)ed 45370is not the entire Tao. 45371The path that can be specified 45372is not the Full Path. 45373 45374We declare the names 45375of all variables and functions. 45376Yet the Tao has no type specifier. 45377 45378Dynamically binding, you realize the magic. 45379Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy. 45380 45381Yet magic and hierarchy 45382arise from the same source, 45383and this source has a null pointer. 45384 45385Reference the NULL within NULL, 45386it is the gateway to all wizardry. 45387% 45388The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer 45389them a drink. 45390 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview" 45391% 45392The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available 45393data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon 45394shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, 45395as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much 45396radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times 45397as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we 45398receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the 45399Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature 45400of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where 45401the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, 45402i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using 45403the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute 45404temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact 45405temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the 45406temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas. 45407Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their 45408part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten 45409brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 45410or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have, 45411then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. 45412 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972 45413% 45414The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled 45415culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale. 45416% 45417The Ten Commandments for Technicians: 45418 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 45419 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a 45420 most untechnician-like manner. 45421 45422 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy 45423 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console 45424 her in other ways. 45425% 45426The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene 45427of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process 45428as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The 45429employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible 45430temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated. 45431 -- Kenny's Korner 45432% 45433The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed 45434ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. 45435 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald 45436% 45437The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 45438 -- Aldo Leopold 45439% 45440The thing that takes up the least amount of time 45441and causes the most amount of trouble is sex. 45442% 45443The things that interest people most are usually none of their business. 45444% 45445The Third Law of Photography: 45446 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined 45447 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of 45448 the dark leaks out. 45449% 45450The thought of being President fightens me and I do not think I 45451want the job. 45452 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973 45453 45454Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he 45455would have lost. 45456 -- Mort Sahl 45457 45458Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art. 45459 -- Gore Vidal 45460 45461Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and 45462I need a lot of sleep. 45463 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. 45464 45465You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him 45466accurately it's called mudslinging. 45467 -- Walter Mondale 45468% 45469The Thought Police are here. They've come 45470To put you under cardiac arrest. 45471And as they drag you through the door 45472They tell you that you've failed the test. 45473 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age" 45474% 45475The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August. 45476% 45477The three biggest software lies: 45478 45479 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source. 45480 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from 45481 will fix the microcode. 45482 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site. 45483% 45484The three laws of thermodynamics: 45485 (1) You can't get anything without working for it. 45486 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. 45487 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero. 45488% 45489THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND: 45490 454911) Where's the bathroom? 454922) What time does the parade start? 454933) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it? 45494% 45495The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive? 454962. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place? 45497 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 45498% 45499The three rules of international air travel: 45500 45501(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used 45502 to be Braniff or Aeroflot). 45503(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you 45504 know *exactly* what you're doing. 45505(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own. 45506% 45507The thrill is here, but it won't last long 45508You'd better have your fun before it moves along... 45509% 45510The time for action is past! 45511Now is the time for senseless bickering. 45512% 45513The time is right to make new friends. 45514% 45515The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance 45516committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved. 45517 -- C.N. Parkinson 45518% 45519The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. 45520The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of 45521Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by 45522mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age, 45523men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came. 45524The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of 45525the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the 45526Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced 45527them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or 45528it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I 45529choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be 45530brought." 45531 -- Alistair Cooke 45532% 45533The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless. 45534 -- Hosea Ballou 45535% 45536The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad. 45537% 45538The tree of research must from time to time 45539be refreshed with the blood of bean counters. 45540 -- Alan Kay 45541% 45542The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, 45543but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings. 45544 -- Little Big Man 45545% 45546The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator. 45547% 45548The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. 45549% 45550The trouble with being punctual is that people 45551think you have nothing more important to do. 45552% 45553The trouble with computers is that they do 45554what you tell them, not what you want. 45555 -- D. Cohen 45556% 45557The trouble with doing something right the first 45558time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. 45559% 45560The trouble with eating Italian food is that 45561five or six days later you're hungry again. 45562 -- George Miller 45563% 45564The trouble with heart disease is that the first 45565symptom is often hard to deal with: death. 45566 -- Michael Phelps 45567% 45568The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives. 45569 -- George S. Kaufman 45570% 45571The trouble with money is it costs too much! 45572% 45573The trouble with opportunity is that it 45574always comes disguised as hard work. 45575 -- Herbert V. Prochnow 45576% 45577The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- 45578and then marry him. 45579 -- Cher 45580% 45581The trouble with some women is that they get 45582all excited about nothing -- and then marry him. 45583 -- Cher 45584% 45585The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds 45586the other fellow of a dull one. 45587 -- Sid Caesar 45588% 45589The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. 45590 -- Lily Tomlin 45591% 45592The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians 45593who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool 45594all of the people all of the time. 45595 -- Franklin Adams 45596% 45597The trouble with you 45598Is the trouble with me. 45599Got two good eyes 45600But we still don't see. 45601 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead" 45602% 45603The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great 45604height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make 45605people stumble than to be walked upon. 45606 -- Franz Kafka 45607% 45608The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides. 45609 -- Andre Malraux 45610% 45611The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. 45612 -- Oscar Wilde 45613% 45614The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. 45615And vice versa. 45616% 45617The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it. 45618 -- Stanley Kubrick 45619% 45620The Truth Shall Rape You Over. 45621 -- Caltech 45622% 45623The truth you speak has no past and no future. 45624It is, and that's all it needs to be. 45625% 45626The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks 45627Which practically conceal its sex. 45628I think it clever of the turtle 45629In such a fix to be so fertile. 45630 -- O. Nash 45631% 45632The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed." 45633 -- Dorothy Parker 45634% 45635The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 45636% 45637The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 45638 -- Harlan Ellison 45639% 45640The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs. 45641 -- G.B. Shaw 45642% 45643The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that 45644two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated 45645by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics. 45646 -- I.F. Stone 45647% 45648The two things that can get you into trouble 45649quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses. 45650% 45651The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more 45652annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. 45653 -- Oscar Wilde 45654% 45655The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh? 45656And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh? 45657There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh? 45658So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot, 45659Eh? 45660So shut yer face up and dry yer mucklucks by the fire, eh? 45661And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh? 45662They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way! 45663Eh? 45664 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh? 45665Beauty! 45666% 45667The ultimate game show will be the one 45668where somebody gets killed at the end. 45669 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show" 45670% 45671The unfacts, did we have them, are too 45672imprecisely few to warrant out certitude. 45673% 45674The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress. 45675% 45676The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang. 45677% 45678The universe is an island, 45679surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes. 45680% 45681The universe is laughing behind your back. 45682% 45683The Universe is populated by stable things. 45684 -- Richard Dawkins 45685% 45686The universe is ruled by letting things take their course. 45687It cannot be ruled by interfering. 45688 -- Chinese proverb 45689% 45690The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent. 45691 -- Sagan 45692% 45693The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie 45694Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is 45695said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of 45696his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." 45697% 45698The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal, 45699and deviation standard. 45700% 45701The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to 45702hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure. 45703% 45704The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable 45705that I assume it must be evil. 45706 -- Heywood Broun 45707% 45708The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and 45709religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging 45710from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its 45711yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the 45712world put together. 45713 -- Sir Peter Medawar 45714% 45715The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems 45716is a symptom of professional immaturity. 45717 -- Edsger Dijkstra 45718% 45719The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be 45720regarded as a criminal offence. 45721 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 45722% 45723The use of COBOL cripples the mind; 45724its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. 45725 -- E.W. Dijkstra 45726% 45727The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money. 45728 -- B. Franklin 45729% 45730The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. 45731% 45732The very first essential for success is a perpetually 45733constant and regular employment of violence. 45734 -- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 45735% 45736The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of 45737altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their 45738views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the 45739facts that needs altering. 45740 -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" 45741% 45742The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me. 45743 -- Miguel de Cervantes 45744% 45745The Vet Who Surprised A Cow 45746 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary 45747surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal 45748gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial 45749expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some 45750bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000. 45751The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to 45752the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock. 45753 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45754% 45755The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance 45756to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth. 45757 -- John Wayne 45758% 45759The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases. 45760 -- Jerry Brown 45761% 45762The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh 45763restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks, 45764dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She 45765sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table, 45766then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend. 45767A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned 45768to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking." 45769% 45770The wages of sin are unreported. 45771% 45772The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States 45773Constitution. 45774% 45775The warning message we sent the Russians was a 45776calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood. 45777 -- Alexander Haig 45778% 45779The water was not fit to drink. 45780To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. 45781By diligent effort, I learned to like it. 45782 -- W. Churchill 45783% 45784The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and 45785incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. 45786 -- Emo Philips 45787% 45788The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones. 45789 -- Nathaniel Howe 45790% 45791The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward. 45792% 45793The way to a man's heart is through his 45794wife's belly, and don't you forget it. 45795 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" 45796% 45797The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle. 45798% 45799The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus. 45800% 45801The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. 45802% 45803The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. 45804% 45805The way to make a small fortune in the 45806commodities market is to start with a large fortune. 45807% 45808The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. 45809% 45810The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful. 45811My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away. 45812My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful. 45813Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play? 45814I feel together today! 45815 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph" 45816% 45817The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. 45818% 45819The weed of crime bears bitter fruit... 45820but the leaves are good to smoke! 45821 -- The Shadow 45822% 45823The white race is the cancer of history. 45824 -- Susan Sontag 45825% 45826The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. 45827 -- Wavy Gravy 45828% 45829The whole of life is futile unless you 45830consider it as a sporting proposition. 45831% 45832The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. 45833 -- Peter Beard 45834% 45835The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. 45836 -- George Gobel 45837% 45838The whole world is about three drinks behind. 45839 -- Humphrey Bogart 45840% 45841The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and 45842not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he 45843should. 45844 -- W.C. Fields 45845% 45846The wise man seeks everything in himself; 45847the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else. 45848% 45849The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. 45850% 45851The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the 45852medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work, 45853she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to 45854live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you 45855throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?" 45856 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have 45857to get up in the morning!" 45858% 45859The wonderful thing about a dancing bear 45860is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all. 45861% 45862The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools 45863we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral 45864and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because 45865of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible. 45866We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller 45867ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much. 45868 -- Paul Licker 45869% 45870The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not 45871designed for people who walk on their hands. 45872 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp" 45873% 45874The world is a comedy to those who think, 45875and a tragedy to those who feel. 45876 -- Horace Walpole 45877% 45878The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!! 45879% 45880The world is coming to an end! 45881Repent and return those library books! 45882% 45883The world is full of people who have never, since 45884childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind. 45885 -- E.B. White 45886% 45887The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says 45888it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. 45889 -- E. Hubbard 45890% 45891The world is not octal despite DEC. 45892% 45893The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. 45894It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. 45895You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages. 45896 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 45897% 45898The world needs more people like us and fewer like them. 45899% 45900The world really isn't any worse. 45901It's just that the news coverage is so much better. 45902% 45903The world wants to be deceived. 45904 -- Sebastian Brant 45905% 45906The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out. 45907% 45908The world's as ugly as sin, 45909And almost as delightful 45910 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson 45911% 45912The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, 45913nor its great scholars great men. 45914 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 45915% 45916The Worst American Poet 45917 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that 45918Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years. 45919 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire 45920of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her 45921pen. 45922 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the 45923formula was the same: 45924 Have you heard of the dreadful fate 45925 Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife? 45926 Of their death I will relate, 45927 And also others lost their life 45928 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster, 45929 Where so many people died. 45930 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems, 45931the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a 45932river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than 45933a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded. 45934 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even 45935suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was 45936forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went 45937beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do". 45938 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45939% 45940THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE 45941 45942During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over 45943emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an 45944elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped 45945up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their 45946duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. 45947Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat 45948and killed it. 45949 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45950% 45951THE WORST BANK ROBBERY 45952 45953In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of 45954Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They 45955had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, 45956sheepishly left the building. 45957A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of 45958robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded 459595,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it 45960was a practical joke. 45961Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor 45962clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got 45963trapped in the revolving doors again. 45964% 45965The Worst Car Hire Service 45966 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck 45967as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up 45968shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. 45969 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he 45970conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles. 45971 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and 45972he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving 45973round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do. 45974 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to 45975admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we 45976overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle 45977we might overlook that too." 45978 "Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled 45979into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the 45980ash tray." 45981 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45982% 45983The worst cliques are those which consist of one man. 45984 -- G.B. Shaw 45985% 45986THE WORST HOMING PIGEON 45987 45988This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was 45989expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, 45990in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil. 45991 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 45992% 45993The worst is enemy of the bad. 45994% 45995The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst." 45996 -- King Lear 45997% 45998The Worst Jury 45999 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when 46000one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the 46001remotest clue what was happening. 46002 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any 46003evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him. 46004 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second 46005juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French 46006speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he 46007was hearing a murder trial. 46008 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered 46009from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language 46010and nearly as deaf as the first juror. 46011 The judge ordered a retrial. 46012 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 46013% 46014The Worst Lines of Verse 46015For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line: 46016 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats." 46017Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted 46018these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous 46019laughter the instant they were read out. 46020 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was 46021inspired by the subject of war. 46022 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away, 46023 And the grey roof reddened and rang; 46024 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay 46025 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!" 46026By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79): 46027 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..." 46028While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables: 46029 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed, 46030 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand." 46031George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote: 46032 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go 46033 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co." 46034William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse: 46035 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak 46036 While in this world, are liable to leak." 46037And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when 46038describing a pond: 46039 "I've measured it from side to side; 46040 Tis three feet long and two feet wide." 46041 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 46042% 46043The Worst Musical Trio 46044 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at 46045a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their 46046instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian 46047gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated 46048violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite 46049unhampered by great musical talent. 46050 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public 46051concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does. 46052A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although 46053Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau 46054in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown. 46055 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father, 46056"and it will be a sell out." 46057 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited 46058audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and 46059asked for someone to turn his pages. 46060 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who 46061volunteered and made his way to the stage. 46062 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the 46063music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle 46064Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played 46065the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages. 46066But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin." 46067 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 46068% 46069The worst part of having success is trying 46070to find someone who is happy for you. 46071 -- Bette Midler 46072% 46073The worst part of valor is indiscretion. 46074% 46075The Worst Prison Guards 46076 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a 46077maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison, 46078near Lisbon in Portugal. 46079 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison 46080warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which 46081included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity 46082of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were 46083planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had 46084not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were 46085"covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels, 46086water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities. 46087The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36 46088prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal" 46089because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back 46090the next morning. 46091 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when 46092one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they 46093eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's 46094population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr. 46095Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the 46096"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty." 46097 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 46098% 46099The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, 46100but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity. 46101 -- G.B. Shaw 46102% 46103The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they 46104are sober. 46105 -- William Butler Yeats 46106% 46107The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one 46108wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering 46109if something could have materialized -- and never knowing. 46110 -- David Viscott 46111% 46112The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly. 46113They were just the first not to crash. 46114% 46115The yankees, son, are up north. 46116The damnyankees are down here. 46117% 46118The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of 46119four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all 46120the answers. 46121% 46122The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup. 46123 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor. 46124 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated." 46125% 46126The young lady had an unusual list, 46127Linked in part to a structural weakness. 46128She set no preconditions. 46129% 46130The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means 46131to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he 46132found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day. 46133He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the 46134rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's 46135golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls. 46136"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece." 46137 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street 46138they only charge $1 a ball!" 46139 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the 46140rooms." 46141% 46142THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE 46143% 46144Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... 46145and you'd better not refuse. 46146% 46147Them as has, gets. 46148% 46149Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her 46150incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, 46151acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly. 46152 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D." 46153% 46154Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly. 46155I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was 46156right. 46157 -- P.J. O'Rourke 46158% 46159Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On. 46160% 46161Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of 46162Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each! Only problem was, 46163when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing 46164to the "W" on the dial. 46165 46166Moral: 46167 He who has a Tates is lost! 46168% 46169"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?" 46170"NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?" 46171"I'll put `maybe.'" 46172 -- Bloom County 46173% 46174Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand 46175it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner. 46176 -- Elbert Hubbard 46177% 46178Theorem: a cat has nine tails. 46179Proof: 46180 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. 46181 Therefore, a cat has nine tails. 46182% 46183Theorem: All positive integers are equal. 46184Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. 46185 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B 46186 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. 46187 46188Proceed by induction: 46189 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. 46190 So A = B. 46191 46192Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with 46193 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence 46194 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. 46195% 46196Theorem: All programs are dull. 46197 46198Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is 46199nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all 46200sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is 46201the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides 46202the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek. 46203 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 46204% 46205THEORY: 46206 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to 46207 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good 46208 it will look in print. 46209% 46210Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green. 46211 -- Goethe 46212% 46213Theory of Selective Supervision: 46214 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is 46215 the one time the boss walks through the office. 46216% 46217There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black 46218armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad 46219shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you 46220realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your 46221body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons: 46222sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident. 46223He speaks with a commanding voice: 46224 46225 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" 46226 46227As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you. 46228% 46229There appears to be irrefutable evidence that 46230the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence. 46231 -- Harvey Wheeler 46232% 46233There are a few things that never go out of style, 46234and a feminine woman is one of them. 46235 -- Ralston 46236% 46237There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true. 46238 -- Winston Churchill 46239% 46240There are bad times just around the corner, 46241There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky 46242And it's no good whining 46243About a silver lining 46244For we know from experience that they won't roll by... 46245 -- Noel Coward 46246% 46247There are few people more often in the wrong 46248than those who cannot endure to be thought so. 46249% 46250There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess -- 46251and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided. 46252 -- W. Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945 46253% 46254There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, 46255excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy... 46256 -- Ambrose Bierce 46257% 46258There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's 46259the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you 46260cannot know a woman, the divorce. 46261 -- Norman Mailer 46262% 46263There are in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the 46264two has the following record: The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit 46265inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent 46266postcard. The second is responsible for such things as the transistor, 46267the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, 46268sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape, 46269magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV 46270relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer, 46271and the first communications satellite. Guess which one is going to tell 46272the other how to run the telephone business? I can hardly wait for the 46273results. 46274% 46275There are many intelligent species in 46276the universe, and they all own cats. 46277% 46278There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break 46279about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get 46280about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor 46281get it in the winter. 46282 -- Bat Masterson 46283% 46284There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal 46285friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably 46286avoiding a great deal of pain. 46287% 46288There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing. 46289 -- Eugene Ionesco 46290% 46291There are more old drunkards than old doctors. 46292% 46293There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else. 46294% 46295There are more things in heaven and earth, 46296Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. 46297 -- Hamlet 46298% 46299There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream. 46300% 46301There are never any bugs you haven't found yet. 46302% 46303There are new messages. 46304% 46305There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe. 46306 -- Baba Ram Dass 46307% 46308There are no answers, only cross-references. 46309 -- Weiner 46310% 46311There are no emotional victims, only volunteers. 46312% 46313There are no great men, buster. There are only men. 46314 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful" 46315% 46316There are no great men, only great challenges that 46317ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet. 46318 -- Admiral William Halsey 46319% 46320There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry. 46321 -- The Duke of Wellington 46322% 46323There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence 46324of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally 46325competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make 46326some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible. 46327 -- Richard Davisson 46328% 46329There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort 46330of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it. 46331% 46332There are no winners in life, only survivors. 46333% 46334There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly. 46335 -- Helen Rowland 46336% 46337There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better. 46338% 46339There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and 46340taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days. 46341 -- shades 46342% 46343There are people so addicted to exaggeration 46344that they can't tell the truth without lying. 46345 -- Josh Billings 46346% 46347There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals 46348in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so 46349people who find nothing odd about it. 46350 -- Calvin Trillin 46351% 46352There are places I'll remember 46353All my life though some have changed. 46354Some forever not for better 46355Some have gone and some remain. 46356All these places had their moments 46357With lovers and friends I still recall. 46358Some are dead and some are living, 46359In my life I've loved them all. 46360 46361But of all these friends and lovers, 46362There is no one compared with you, 46363All these memories lose their meaning 46364When I think of love as something new. 46365Though I know I'll never lose affection 46366For people and things that went before, 46367I know I'll often stop and think about them 46368In my life I'll love you more. 46369 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965 46370% 46371There are running jobs. 46372Why don't you go chase them? 46373% 46374There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both 46375plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; 46376and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, 46377don't we all. 46378% 46379There are strange things done in the midnight sun 46380 By the men who moil for gold; 46381The Arctic trails have their secret tales 46382 That would make your blood run cold; 46383The Northern Lights have seen queer sights, 46384 But the queerest they ever did see 46385Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge 46386 I cremated Sam McGee. 46387 -- Robert W. Service 46388% 46389There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life 46390is the process of discovering them over and over and over. 46391 -- David Nichols 46392% 46393There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and 46394fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here 46395and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for 46396wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up 46397your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence. 46398 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 46399% 46400"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and 46401fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here 46402and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for 46403wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up 46404your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence." 46405 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 46406% 46407There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics. 46408 -- Benjamin Disraeli 46409% 46410There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix. 46411% 46412There are three possibilities: 46413Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; 46414there's a large meteor blocking transmission; 46415someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. 46416% 46417There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be 46418offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a 46419series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of 46420food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection 46421increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the 46422affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no 46423circumstances can the food be omitted. 46424 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour 46425% 46426There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need 46427the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the 46428world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the 46429long winter evenings. 46430 -- Quentin Crisp 46431% 46432There are three rules for writing a novel. 46433Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. 46434 -- Maugham 46435% 46436There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the 46437changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts. 46438Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's 46439science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled 46440by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering. 46441% 46442There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I 46443can't remember. 46444 -- Italo Svevo 46445% 46446There are three things I have always loved 46447and never understood -- art, music, and women. 46448% 46449There are three things men can do with women: 46450love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature. 46451 -- Stephen Stills 46452% 46453There are three ways to get something done: 46454 46455 1: Do it yourself. 46456 2: Hire someone to do it for you. 46457 3: Forbid your kids to do it. 46458% 46459There are three ways to get something done: 46460do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. 46461% 46462There are twenty-five people left in the world, 46463and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers. 46464 -- Ed Sanders 46465% 46466There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play 46467together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is 46468struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in 46469the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the 46470room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?" 46471 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice. 46472 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are 46473you?" 46474 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now." 46475 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?" 46476 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day. 46477I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time! 46478Man it is smokin'!" 46479 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more, 46480tell me more!" 46481 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news 46482and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean 46483I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here." 46484 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..." 46485% 46486There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." 46487And one says "This is new, and therefore better." 46488 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider" 46489% 46490There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." 46491And one says, "This is new, and therefore better" 46492 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider" 46493% 46494There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. 46495 -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar 46496% 46497There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. 46498We don't believe this to be a coincidence. 46499 -- Jeremy S. Anderson 46500% 46501There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel 46502like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't. 46503% 46504There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before 46505marriage and after marriage. 46506% 46507There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make 46508it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to 46509make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. 46510 -- C.A.R. Hoare 46511% 46512There are two ways of disliking art. 46513One is to dislike it. 46514The other is to like it rationally. 46515 -- Oscar Wilde 46516% 46517There are two ways of disliking poetry; 46518one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope. 46519 -- Oscar Wilde 46520% 46521There are two ways to write error-free 46522programs; only the third one works. 46523% 46524There are very few personal problems that cannot be 46525solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 46526% 46527There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening 46528with an insurance salesman? 46529 -- Woody Allen 46530% 46531There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men 46532of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling 46533rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and 46534together we'll face the world. 46535 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush" 46536% 46537There but for the grace of God, goes God. 46538 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps. 46539% 46540There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship. 46541 -- Ralph Nader 46542% 46543There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. 46544 -- Henry Kissinger 46545% 46546There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he 46547has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation. 46548 -- W.C. Fields 46549% 46550There comes a time to stop being angry. 46551 -- A Small Circle of Friends 46552% 46553There exist tasks which cannot be done 46554by more than 10 men or fewer than 100. 46555 -- Steele's Law 46556% 46557There goes the good time that was had by all. 46558 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet 46559% 46560There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names. 46561For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read 46562permissions for everyone, you could say 46563 46564 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444) 46565 46566 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it 46567hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away 46568from its uses. 46569 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that 46570is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of 46571the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is 46572being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro 46573name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology 46574-- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded 46575recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it 46576was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.) 46577 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review 46578% 46579There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange. 46580 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 46581% 46582There has been an alarming increase in the 46583number of things you know nothing about. 46584% 46585There is a 20% chance of tomorrow. 46586% 46587There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there 46588is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a 46589vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food 46590stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library. 46591 46592Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small 46593 elevator with one other person from each floor? 46594A: The elevator would be full. 46595% 46596There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery 46597is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If 46598you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else. 46599 --Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles 46600% 46601There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an 46602opinion. 46603 -- Anatole France 46604% 46605There is a fly on your nose. 46606% 46607There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital 46608and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting 46609each other's throat. 46610 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun" 46611% 46612There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: 46613that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. 46614% 46615There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. 46616% 46617There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends 46618his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick. 46619 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 46620% 46621There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of 46622wooden toilet seats. 46623 46624It's called the Birch John Society. 46625% 46626There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty, 46627Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the 46628Fatherland. 46629 -- Adolf Hitler 46630% 46631There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly 46632what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear 46633and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There 46634is another theory which states that this has already happened. 46635 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 46636% 46637There is a time in the tides of men, 46638Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success. 46639On the other hand, don't count on it. 46640 -- T.K. Lawson 46641% 46642There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it 46643is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. 46644 -- Helen Rowland 46645% 46646There is always more hell that needs raising. 46647 -- Lauren Leveut 46648% 46649There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling 46650somebody out. 46651 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem" 46652% 46653There is always someone worse off than yourself. 46654% 46655There is always something new out of Africa. 46656 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus 46657% 46658There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it 46659has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day. 46660 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 46661% 46662There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. 46663"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend." 46664 -- Mark Twain 46665% 46666There is brutality and there is honesty. 46667There is no such thing as brutal honesty. 46668% 46669There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, 46670having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, 46671whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of 46672gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and 46673most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved. 46674 -- Darwin 46675% 46676There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can 46677not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper. 46678% 46679There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. 46680 -- Arthur C. Clarke 46681% 46682There is in certain living souls 46683A quality of loneliness unspeakable, 46684So great it must be shared 46685As company is shared by lesser beings. 46686Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this 46687That in immensity 46688There is one lonelier than you. 46689% 46690There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon, 46691however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable. 46692Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be 46693discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator 46694on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is 46695even highly probable. 46696 -- H.L. Mencken, 1930 46697% 46698There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. 46699 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), 46700 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977 46701% 46702There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die, 46703and we will conquer. Follow me. 46704 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA) 46705% 46706There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a 46707man who eats Grapenuts on principle. 46708 -- G.K. Chesterton 46709% 46710There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the 46711man who eats Grap-Nuts on principle. 46712 -- G.K. Chesterton 46713% 46714There is more to life than increasing its speed. 46715 -- Mahatma Gandhi 46716% 46717There is more to life than increasing its speed. 46718 -- Mohandis K. Gandhi 46719% 46720There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you. 46721 -- Darth Vader 46722% 46723There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is 46724always enough time to do it over. 46725% 46726There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. 46727% 46728There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party 46729is not capable; for in politics there is no honour. 46730 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey" 46731% 46732There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. 46733No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth. 46734 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates" 46735% 46736There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. 46737No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. 46738 -- Jean Giradoux 46739% 46740"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing 46741the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries 46742civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. 46743We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward 46744striving of the human race" 46745 -- Alfred North Whitehead 46746% 46747There is no comfort without pain; thus 46748we define salvation through suffering. 46749 -- Cato 46750% 46751There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval. 46752 -- George Santayana 46753% 46754There is no delight the equal of dread. 46755As long as it is somebody else's. 46756 --Clive Barker 46757% 46758There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game. 46759% 46760There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. 46761 -- Mark Twain 46762% 46763There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he 46764filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary 46765as 'unearned income.' 46766 -- Michael Lara 46767% 46768There is no education that is not political. An apolitical 46769education is also political because it is purposely isolating. 46770% 46771There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income 46772parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a 46773child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to 46774picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one 46775Master of the Universe Battlecruiser! 46776 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap 46777% 46778There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. 46779% 46780There is no fool to the old fool. 46781 -- John Heywood 46782% 46783There is no future in time travel. 46784% 46785There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften. 46786% 46787There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted 46788armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. 46789 -- Ernest Hemingway 46790% 46791There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom. 46792 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923 46793% 46794There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox. 46795 -- George Francis Gillette 46796% 46797There is no point in waiting. 46798The train stopped running years ago. 46799All the schedules, the brochures, 46800The bright-colored posters full of lies, 46801Promise rides to a distant country 46802That no longer exists. 46803% 46804There is no proverb that is not true. 46805 -- Cervantes 46806% 46807There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools 46808to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. 46809So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in 46810check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. 46811 -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. 46812% 46813There is no royal road to geometry. 46814 -- Euclid 46815% 46816There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. 46817% 46818There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. 46819 -- G.B. Shaw 46820% 46821There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity. 46822 -- General Douglas MacArthur 46823% 46824There is no sin but ignorance. 46825 -- Christopher Marlowe 46826% 46827There is no sincerer love than the love of food. 46828 -- George Bernard Shaw 46829% 46830There is no statute of limitations on stupidity. 46831% 46832There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. 46833% 46834There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer. 46835% 46836There is no such thing as a free lunch. 46837% 46838There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. 46839% 46840There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only 46841the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive. 46842 -- Christian Dior 46843% 46844There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. 46845Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour. 46846 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 46847% 46848There is no such thing as pure pleasure; 46849some anxiety always goes with it. 46850% 46851There is no time like the pleasant. 46852% 46853There is no time like the present 46854for postponing what you ought to be doing. 46855% 46856There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and 46857family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too, 46858the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is 46859live as cheap as the people. 46860 -- The Best of Will Rogers 46861% 46862There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives 46863us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves. 46864 -- Augier 46865% 46866There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it. 46867 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares" 46868% 46869There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. 46870 -- Churchill 46871% 46872There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. 46873 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 46874% 46875There is nothing new except what has been forgotten. 46876 -- Marie Antoinette 46877% 46878There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult 46879when you do it reluctantly. 46880 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 46881% 46882There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who 46883comes to visit. 46884% 46885There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said 46886a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. 46887 "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with 46888an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin. 46889 "I could have answered it if I had been there." 46890 "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in 46891the middle of the night?'" 46892% 46893There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation. 46894% 46895There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it 46896is done in private and you wash your hands afterward. 46897% 46898There is one difference between a tax collector and 46899a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide. 46900 -- Mortimer Caplan 46901% 46902There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says 46903"Yes" you know he is crooked. 46904 -- Groucho Marx 46905% 46906There is only one thing in the world worse than being 46907talked about, and that is not being talked about. 46908 -- Oscar Wilde 46909% 46910There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none. 46911 -- Paul Bourget 46912% 46913There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk. 46914 -- Robert Heinlein 46915% 46916There is only one way to kill capitalism -- 46917by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. 46918 -- Karl Marx 46919% 46920There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, 46921and that word is blackmail. 46922 -- Colm Brogan 46923% 46924There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which 46925it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated. 46926 -- James Boswell 46927% 46928There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale 46929returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 46930 -- Mark Twain 46931% 46932There is something in the pang of change 46933More than the heart can bear, 46934Unhappiness remembering happiness. 46935 -- Euripides 46936% 46937There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong. 46938% 46939There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us! 46940% 46941There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who 46942constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those 46943who do not. 46944 -- Robert Benchley 46945% 46946There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United 46947States; of course, I never heard the story before. 46948% 46949There must be more to life than having everything. 46950 -- Maurice Sendak 46951% 46952There never was a good war or a bad peace. 46953 -- B. Franklin 46954% 46955There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The 46956king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished 46957in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said 46958to the prince: 46959 "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even 46960half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, 46961what would your decision be, my son?" 46962 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell 46963her that she was my best friend, and cut her head off." 46964 The king knew that his son would be a great king. 46965% 46966There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The 46967king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished 46968in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said 46969to the prince: 46970 "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even 46971half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, 46972what would your decision be, my son?" 46973 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell 46974her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom 46975that I had promised." 46976 The king knew that his son would be a great king. 46977% 46978There seems no plan because it is all plan. 46979 -- C.S. Lewis 46980% 46981There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." 46982 -- C.S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia" 46983% 46984There was a little girl 46985Who had a little curl 46986Right in the middle of her forehead. 46987When she was good, she was very, very good 46988And when she was bad, she was very, very popular. 46989 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book" 46990% 46991There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionallly put up 46992with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he 46993was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive 46994over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot 46995to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack, 46996and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be 46997able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go 46998around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave 46999him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared 47000to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to 47001hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in 47002the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband 47003cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing 47004her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same 47005course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he 47006sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able 47007to hit through, if he was to open both doors. 47008 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7". 47009% 47010There was a phone call for you. 47011% 47012There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were 47013left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. 47014Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so 47015they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed 47016out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world, 47017the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck 47018with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look! 47019We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is 47020to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes. 47021% 47022There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have 47023no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled 47024every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become 47025insupportable. 47026 -- Kurt Vonnegut 47027% 47028There was a young man from Brazil, 47029And a lady who'd not take the pill, 47030 They lay on the sofa, 47031 And a <$H12{ot]{ok]{ob{o[]{oR{oK{oDpo~po~pot~poe~{ o!po~po~poq~ 47032n~po_~{o[po ~poz~pok~po\~{o 470338]{o/pomF~po^~{opoh~poY~{opoc~poT~{op~po^~poO~{o[~poY~ poJ~{oF~poT~poE~{o1~ 47034% 47035There was a young man from LeDoux, 47036Whose limericks stopped at line two. 47037 47038There was a young man from Verdunne. 47039 47040 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one 47041 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please 47042 mail it to "fortune". Ed.] 47043% 47044There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of 47045their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity 47046of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian 47047couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were 47048blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together 47049on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy 47050baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus, 47051were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion 47052of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that: 47053The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of 47054the squaws of the other two hides. 47055% 47056There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which, 47057in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term 47058that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the 47059practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed 47060to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if 47061necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left 47062(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before). 47063 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine" 47064% 47065There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan. 47066Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike, 47067you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what 47068should I do?" 47069 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look 47070like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing 47071you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl." 47072 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker. 47073 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed 47074in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there, 47075pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits," 47076he tells the counterman. 47077 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says, 47078"You must be from New York." 47079 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did 47080you know?" 47081 "Because this is a hardware store." 47082% 47083There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when 47084the boss asks for a lift home from office. 47085% 47086There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when 47087the boss asks for a lift home from the office. 47088% 47089There will be big changes for you but you will be happy. 47090% 47091There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it. 47092 -- Lily Tomlin 47093% 47094Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use 47095this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause. 47096 -- Machiavelli 47097% 47098There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose, 47099ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are 47100pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could 47101hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at 47102least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey, 47103Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the 47104pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored. 47105 -- Shirley Povich, 1941 47106% 47107There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not 47108a fence. 47109% 47110There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. 47111Too bad it's not a fence. 47112% 47113There's a lesson that I need to remember 47114When everything is falling apart 47115In life, just like in loving 47116There's such a thing as trying to hard 47117 47118You've gotta sing 47119Like you don't need the money 47120Love like you'll never get hurt 47121You've gotta dance 47122Like nobody's watching 47123It's gotta come from the heart 47124If you want it to work. 47125 -- Kathy Mattea 47126% 47127There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot. 47128% 47129There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left 47130and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a 47131little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help. 47132A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody 47133there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won. 47134The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and 47135it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice 47136said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went 47137on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all 47138his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice 47139spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to 47140quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12, 47141and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!" 47142% 47143There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast 47144The corporation that we represent. 47145We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast, 47146Of that man of men our sterling president 47147The name of T.J. Watson means 47148A courage none can stem 47149And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM. 47150 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 47151% 47152There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to 47153recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to 47154let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity 47155or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future, 47156a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on, 47157rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of 47158living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding 47159action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the 47160best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office. 47161We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth 47162are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves 47163along -- quite gracefully. 47164 -- Ellen Goodman 47165% 47166There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle! 47167 -- Doug Clifford 47168% 47169There's always free cheese in a mouse trap. 47170% 47171There's always free cheese in a mousetrap. 47172% 47173There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. 47174% 47175There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really 47176don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything 47177to me. 47178 -- John Wayne 47179% 47180There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. 47181I really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it 47182didn't do anything to me. 47183 -- John Wayne 47184% 47185There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go. 47186% 47187There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state. 47188% 47189There's little in taking or giving, 47190 There's little in water or wine: 47191This living, this living, this living, 47192 Was never a project of mine. 47193Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is 47194 The gain of the one at the top, 47195For art is a form of catharsis, 47196 And love is a permanent flop, 47197And work is the provence of cattle, 47198 And rest's for a clam in a shell, 47199So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- 47200 Would you kindly direct me to hell? 47201 -- Dorothy Parker 47202% 47203There's no future in time travel. 47204% 47205There's no heavier burden than a great potential. 47206% 47207There's no justice in this world. 47208 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by 47209 New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had 47210 saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering 47211 the assassination of Schultz instead) 47212% 47213There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. 47214 -- Dr. Who 47215% 47216There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. 47217 -- Raoul Duke 47218% 47219There's no saint like a reformed sinner. 47220% 47221There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know 47222what you're talking about. 47223 -- John von Neumann 47224% 47225There's no such thing as a free lunch. 47226 -- Milton Friendman 47227% 47228There's no such thing as an original sin. 47229 -- Elvis Costello 47230% 47231There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it. 47232% 47233There's no time like the pleasant. 47234% 47235There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government 47236working for you. 47237 -- Will Rodgers 47238% 47239There's no use being precise about something 47240when you don't even know what you're talking about. 47241 -- John von Neumann 47242% 47243There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking. 47244% 47245There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead 47246armadillos. 47247 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner 47248% 47249There's nothing like a girl with a plunging 47250neckline to keep a man on his toes. 47251% 47252There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate 47253his wife. 47254 -- Clare Booth Luce 47255% 47256There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl. 47257% 47258There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar. 47259% 47260There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right 47261keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. 47262 -- J.S. Bach 47263% 47264There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter 47265and open a vein. 47266 -- Red Smith 47267% 47268There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that 47269nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination. 47270% 47271There's nothing worse for your business than 47272extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room. 47273 -- W. Bossert 47274% 47275There's nothing wrong with teenagers that 47276reasoning with them won't aggravate. 47277% 47278There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can 47279always see somebody who did worse. 47280 -- Warren H. Goldsmith 47281% 47282There's one fool at least in every married couple. 47283% 47284There's only one everything. 47285% 47286There's only one way to have a happy marriage 47287and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. 47288 -- Clint Eastwood 47289% 47290There's small choice in rotten apples. 47291 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 47292% 47293There's so much plastic in this culture that 47294vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. 47295 -- Lily Tomlin 47296% 47297There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. 47298% 47299There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe, 47300Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny. 47301 -- G. Gordon Liddy 47302% 47303There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists. 47304If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong. 47305% 47306There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil. 47307 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 47308% 47309There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear. 47310 -- Richard Le Gallienne 47311% 47312These activities have their own rules and methods 47313of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure. 47314 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960 47315% 47316These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what 47317they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. 47318% 47319They also serve who only stand and wait. 47320 -- John Milton 47321% 47322They also surf who only stand on waves. 47323% 47324They are called computers simply because computation is 47325the only significant job that has so far been given to them. 47326% 47327They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting 47328what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of 47329life. Let's face it: That's the American way. 47330 -- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District 47331 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers. 47332% 47333They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, 47334when they can see nothing but sea. 47335 -- Francis Bacon 47336% 47337They are relatively good but absolutely terrible. 47338 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos 47339% 47340They call them "squares" because it's the 47341most complicated shape they can deal with. 47342% 47343They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God! 47344 -- The Blues Brothers 47345% 47346They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... 47347 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last 47348 words, Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864 47349% 47350They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there 47351are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: 47352 47353(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 47354 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press 47355 conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850 47356 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including 47357 brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in 47358 the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them 47359 there. 47360(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce 47361 you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human 47362 sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction. 47363 A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record 47364 that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in 47365 sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is 47366 going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty 47367 just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression. 47368 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 47369% 47370They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and 47371try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the 47372man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They 47373only want to count to two. 47374 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance" 47375% 47376They don't suffer. They can't even speak English. 47377 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's 47378 question about the suffering of starving miners. 47379% 47380They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association. 47381% 47382They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. 47383 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 47384% 47385They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed. 47386% 47387They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government -- 47388especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that, 47389but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far. 47390 -- Richard Nixon 47391% 47392They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when 47393not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to 47394learn this particular lesson. 47395 -- Richard Stallman 47396% 47397They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the 47398system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First 47399we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. 47400 47401I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on 47402my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan, 47403then we take Berlin. 47404 47405I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit 47406and your clothes. But you see that line there moving throug the station? 47407I told you I told you I told you I was one of those. 47408 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan" 47409% 47410They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy. 47411Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. 47412 -- Mark Twain 47413% 47414They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results 47415About a month before. Their hair began to curl 47416The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it 47417But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. 47418 47419He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this 47420To pass where they had failed For it must ever be 47421And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest 47422The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. 47423 47424My notion was to start again 47425Ignoring all they'd done 47426We quickly turned it into code 47427To see if it would run. 47428% 47429They told me you had proven it 47430 About a month before. 47431The proof was valid, more or less He sent them word that we would try 47432 But rather less than more. To pass where they had failed 47433 And after we were done, to them 47434 The new proof would be mailed. 47435My notion was to start again 47436 Ignoring all they'd done 47437We quickly turned it into code When they discovered our results 47438 To see if it would run. Their hair began to curl 47439 Instead of understanding it 47440 We'd run the thing through PRL. 47441Don't tell a soul about all this 47442For it must ever be 47443A secret, kept from all the rest 47444Between yourself and me. 47445% 47446They took some of the Van Goghs, most 47447of the jewels, and all of the Chivas! 47448% 47449They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat 47450 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard 47451% 47452They use different words for things in America. 47453For instance they say elevator and we say lift. 47454They say drapes and we say curtains. 47455They say president and we say brain damaged git. 47456 -- Alexie Sayle 47457% 47458They went rushing down that freeway, 47459Messed around and got lost. 47460They didn't care... they were just dying to get off, 47461And it was life in the fast lane. 47462 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane" 47463% 47464They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly. 47465 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads. 47466% 47467They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius, 47468The man said "We got all that we can use", 47469So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin', 47470Working-at-the-car-wash blues. 47471 -- Jim Croce 47472% 47473They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me 47474back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out 47475of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid 47476for freedom. 47477 -- Stig's Inferno 47478% 47479They're giving bank robbing a bad name. 47480 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde 47481% 47482They're just jealous because they don't have three 47483wise men and a virgin in the whole organization. 47484 -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the 47485 ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed. 47486% 47487They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! 47488% 47489Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become 47490their property that they may more perfectly respect it. 47491 -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday" 47492% 47493Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. 47494 -- Dwight Eisenhower 47495% 47496Things are more like they used to be than they are new. 47497% 47498Things are not always what they seem. 47499 -- Phaedrus 47500% 47501Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. 47502% 47503Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. 47504% 47505Things past redress and now with me past care. 47506 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 47507% 47508Things will be bright in P.M. 47509A cop will shine a light in your face. 47510% 47511Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. 47512 -- Will Rogers 47513% 47514Things worth having are worth cheating for. 47515% 47516Think big. 47517Pollute the Mississippi. 47518% 47519Think honk if you're a telepath. 47520% 47521Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish. 47522 -- Darrell Royal 47523% 47524Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! 47525% 47526Think of your family tonight. 47527Try to crawl home after the computer crashes. 47528% 47529Think sideways! 47530 -- Ed De Bono 47531% 47532Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". 47533% 47534Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself. 47535 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" 47536% 47537Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time? 47538It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine 47539Have made my days and nights imperishable, 47540Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore, 47541Innumerable atoms; and one desert, 47542Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break, 47543But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks, 47544Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness. 47545% 47546Thirteen at a table is unlucky only 47547when the hostess has only twelve chops. 47548 -- Groucho Marx 47549% 47550Thirty white horses on a red hill, 47551First they champ, 47552Then they stamp, 47553Then they stand still. 47554 -- Tolkien 47555% 47556This ae nighte, this ae nighte, 47557Everye nighte and alle, 47558Fire and sleet and candlelyte, 47559And Christe receive thy saule. 47560 -- The Lykewake Dirge 47561% 47562This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can 47563speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled; 47564batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented, 47565deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts, 47566Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless, 47567spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef, 47568beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled, 47569pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish; 47570half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have 47571a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon, 47572individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be 47573limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective? 47574% 47575This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel. 47576(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?) 47577 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building 47578% 47579This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd. 47580% 47581This file will self-destruct in five minutes. 47582% 47583This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate 47584need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates 47585random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come 47586up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at 47587all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been. 47588% 47589This fortune intentionally not included. 47590% 47591This fortune intentionally says nothing. 47592% 47593This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose 47594invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible. 47595% 47596This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready! 47597% 47598This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. 47599% 47600This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. 47601% 47602This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard. 47603% 47604This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter. 47605% 47606This generation doesn't have emotional baggage. 47607We have emotional moving vans. 47608 -- Bruce Feirstein 47609% 47610This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your 47611bags! I just won the California lottery!" 47612 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" 47613 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out 47614of the house by dinner!" 47615% 47616This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, 47617regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... 47618% 47619This is a good time to punt work. 47620% 47621This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. 47622Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here. 47623% 47624This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my 47625Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage 47626and mushroom. Jim, come and get me! 47627% 47628This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, 47629and not enough hunchbacks. 47630% 47631This is for all ill-treated fellows 47632 Unborn and unbegot, 47633For them to read when they're in trouble 47634 And I am not. 47635 -- A.E. Housman 47636% 47637This is Jim Rockford. 47638At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you. 47639% 47640This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and 47641his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe. 47642Sorry, Jim, bring it on over. 47643% 47644This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine? 47645I don't talk to machines! [Click] 47646% 47647This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. 47648% 47649This is NOT a repeat. 47650% 47651This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The 47652spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men 47653who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly. 47654 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938 47655% 47656This is supposed to be a happy occasion. 47657Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who! 47658% 47659This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok, 47660meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars 47661and come alone. I'm serious! 47662% 47663This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, 47664which is a little ironic since we may not have one. 47665 -- Arthur Clarke 47666% 47667This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the 47668power of computers: 47669 47670Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the 47671thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum 47672level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that 47673one should eat each day: 47674 47675 1/2 chicken 47676 1 egg 47677 1 glass of skim milk 47678 27 heads of lettuce. 47679 -- Rev. Adrian Melott 47680% 47681This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. 47682 -- Winston Churchill 47683% 47684This is the theory that Jack built. 47685This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built. 47686This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in... 47687% 47688This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 47689And now you know why. 47690% 47691This is the way the world ends, 47692This is the way the world ends, 47693This is the way the world ends, 47694Not with a bang but with a whimper. 47695 -- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men" 47696% 47697This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. 47698 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper 47699% 47700This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's 47701constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's 47702been called by others the fiddle factor..." 47703 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture. 47704% 47705This land is my land, and only my land, 47706I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one, 47707If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off, 47708This land is private property. 47709 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie 47710% 47711This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an 47712actual life, you would have received further instructions as 47713to what to do and where to go. 47714% 47715This life is yours. Some of it was given 47716to you; the rest, you made yourself. 47717% 47718This login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88. 47719% 47720This login session: $13.99 47721% 47722This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings. 47723% 47724This night methinks is but the daylight sick. 47725 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 47726% 47727This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with 47728great force. 47729 -- Dorothy Parker 47730% 47731This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers 47732are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people 47733who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets 47734don't actually hurt. 47735 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a 47736Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his 47737hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're 47738man enough to take me on?" 47739 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the 47740Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two 47741tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of 47742a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the 47743Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers, 47744"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?" 47745 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men) 47746charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill. 47747After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine 47748crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man, 47749"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath, 47750replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!" 47751% 47752This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've 47753got to find a way off this planet. 47754% 47755This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of 47756the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many 47757solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were 47758largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 47759which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of 47760paper that were unhappy. 47761 -- Douglas Adams 47762% 47763This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does 47764something child-like. 47765 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington 47766% 47767This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real 47768persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some 47769assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during 47770shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If 47771condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. 47772Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct, 47773indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error 47774or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial 47775penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled 47776check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families 47777are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time 47778offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area. 47779Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does 47780not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call 47781toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product 47782appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do 47783not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be 47784paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many 47785suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction 47786strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror 47787are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes 47788all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied. 47789% 47790This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his 47791mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry 47792often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and 47793adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply. 47794 -- Lazarus Long 47795% 47796This screen intentionally left blank. 47797% 47798This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have. 47799% 47800This sentence no verb. 47801% 47802This system will self-destruct in five minutes. 47803% 47804This thing all things devours: 47805Birds, beasts, trees, flowers; 47806Gnaws iron, bites steel; 47807Grinds hard stones to meal; 47808Slays king, ruins town, 47809And beats high mountain down. 47810% 47811This unit... must... survive. 47812% 47813This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the 47814contents may have occurred during shipment. 47815% 47816This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard 47817dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft, 47818pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it. 47819 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination" 47820% 47821This was the most unkindest cut of all. 47822 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 47823% 47824This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. 47825This was terrible with raisins in it. 47826 -- Dorothy Parker 47827% 47828This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down! 47829% 47830This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. 47831% 47832This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he. 47833The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup 47834could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!" 47835 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car 47836wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged 47837pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow 47838and was lying about twenty feet away. 47839 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by 47840"Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!" 47841% 47842Those lovable Brits department: 47843 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'. 47844% 47845Those of you who think you know everything 47846are annoying those of us who do. 47847% 47848Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do. 47849% 47850Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) 47851are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse 47852at are called software. 47853 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological 47854 Literacy for the 1990's. 47855% 47856Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have 47857learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee. 47858 -- W.S. Krabill 47859% 47860Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of 47861Silly Putty. 47862 -- Dennis Rawlins 47863% 47864Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate. 47865% 47866Those who can, do; those who can't, write. 47867Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record. 47868% 47869Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. 47870 -- George Santayana 47871% 47872Those who can't write, write manuals. 47873% 47874Those who claim the dead never return 47875to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time. 47876% 47877Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. 47878% 47879Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. 47880 -- Henry Spencer 47881% 47882Those who do things in a noble spirit of 47883self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs. 47884 -- N. Alexander. 47885% 47886Those who educate children well are more to be honored than 47887parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well. 47888 -- Aristotle 47889% 47890Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty 47891Often have a share in their misfortunes. 47892 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle" 47893% 47894Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the 47895world is love. The poor know that it is money. 47896 -- Gerald Brenan 47897% 47898Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. 47899% 47900Those who make peaceful revolution impossible 47901will make violent revolution inevitable. 47902 -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy 47903% 47904Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are 47905men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean 47906without the roar of its many waters. 47907 -- Frederick Douglass 47908% 47909Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels 47910Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels. 47911While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise 47912PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze 47913Vulgar tongue. A rapsody sung. 47914 47915Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde 47916Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord 47917Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled 47918Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled 47919The highest rung. In his bung. 47920 47921Because in life they prayed so ill 47922And offered god such swinish swill 47923Now they sweat in flames of hell 47924Sweat from lack of APL 47925Sweat dung! 47926% 47927Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know. 47928% 47929Thou hast seen nothing yet. 47930 -- Miguel de Cervantes 47931% 47932Thou shalt not omit adultery. 47933% 47934Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to 47935be maintained. 47936 -- The Tao of Programming 47937% 47938Though I respect that a lot 47939I'd be fired if that were my job 47940After killing Jason off and 47941Countless screaming argonauts 47942 47943Bluebird of friendliness 47944Like guardian angels it's 47945Always near 47946 47947Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch 47948Who watches over you 47949Make a little birdhouse in your soul 47950Not to put too fine a point on it 47951Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet 47952Make a little birdhouse in your soul 47953 47954 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants 47955% 47956Thrashing is just virtual crashing. 47957% 47958Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are 47959the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with 47960Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- 47961whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation... 47962A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any 47963more about the matter than the others. 47964% 47965Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write. 47966 -- Trollope 47967% 47968Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. 47969 -- Benjamin Franklin 47970% 47971Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan, 47972all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence: 47973"Old MacDonald had a . . ." 47974 47975 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan. 47976 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said. 47977 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the 47978 service station," said the Missourian. 47979 "Wrong." 47980 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan. 47981 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'" 47982 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O." 47983% 47984Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought 47985is irksome and three minutes is a long time. 47986 -- A.E. Houseman 47987% 47988Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too 47989late or a little too early for anything you want to do. 47990 -- Jean-Paul Sartre 47991% 47992Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, 47993Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, 47994Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die, 47995One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne 47996In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. 47997One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, 47998One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them 47999In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. 48000 -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings" 48001% 48002Three rules for sounding like an expert: 48003 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness. 48004 2. Always point out second-order effects, 48005 but never point out when they can be ignored. 48006 3. Come up with three rules of your own. 48007% 48008Throw away documentation and manuals, 48009and users will be a hundred times happier. 48010Throw away privileges and quotas, 48011and users will do the Right Thing. 48012Throw away proprietary and site licenses, 48013and there won't be any pirating. 48014 48015If these three aren't enough, 48016just stay at your home directory 48017and let all processes take their course. 48018% 48019Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know 48020what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. 48021 -- Bertrand Russell 48022% 48023Thus spake the master programmer: 48024 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program 48025is its own hell." 48026 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48027% 48028Thus spake the master programmer: 48029 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless." 48030 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48031% 48032Thus spake the master programmer: 48033 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will 48034 be productive." 48035 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48036% 48037Thus spake the master programmer: 48038 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to 48039 be maintained." 48040 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48041% 48042Thus spake the master programmer: 48043 "Time for you to leave." 48044 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48045% 48046Thus spake the master programmer: 48047 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes." 48048 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48049% 48050Thus spake the master programmer: 48051 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from 48052 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave." 48053 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48054% 48055Thus spake the master programmer: 48056 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software, 48057 hardware is useless." 48058 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48059% 48060Thus spake the master programmer: 48061 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you 48062 can't make him computer literate." 48063 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 48064% 48065Thyme's Law: 48066 Everything goes wrong at once. 48067% 48068Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day 48069Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way 48070Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown 48071Waiting for someone or something to show you the way 48072 48073Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find 48074Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you 48075You are young and life is long No one told you when to run 48076And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun 48077 48078And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking 48079And racing around to come up behind you again 48080The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older 48081Shorter of breath and one day closer to death 48082 48083Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation 48084 is the English way 48085Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over 48086Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say... 48087Or half a page of scribbled lines 48088 -- Pink Floyd, "Time" 48089% 48090Tiddely Quiddely 48091Edward M. Kennedy 48092Quite unaccountably 48093Drove in a stream. 48094 48095Pleas of amnesia 48096Incomprehensible 48097Possibly shattered 48098Political dream. 48099% 48100Tiger got to hunt, 48101Bird got to fly; 48102Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?" 48103 48104Tiger got to sleep, 48105Bird got to land; 48106Man got to tell himself he understand. 48107 -- The Books of Bokonon 48108% 48109Time and tide wait for no man. 48110% 48111Time as he grows old teaches all things. 48112 -- Aeschylus 48113% 48114Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 48115% 48116Time goes, you say? 48117Ah no! 48118Time stays, *we* go. 48119 -- Austin Dobson 48120% 48121Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. 48122 -- Hector Berlioz 48123% 48124Time is an illusion; lunch-time doubly so. 48125 -- Ford Prefect 48126% 48127Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. 48128 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 48129% 48130Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. 48131% 48132Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. 48133 -- Henry David Thoreau 48134% 48135Time is nature's way of making sure that 48136everything doesn't happen at once. 48137 48138Space is nature's way of making sure that 48139everything doesn't happen to you. 48140% 48141Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend. 48142 -- Theophrastus 48143% 48144Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer. 48145% 48146Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing. 48147% 48148Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo. 48149% 48150Time to take stock. 48151Go home with some office supplies. 48152% 48153Time washes clean 48154Love's wounds unseen. 48155That's what someone told me; 48156But I don't know what it means. 48157 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time" 48158% 48159Time will end all my troubles, 48160but I don't always approve of Time's methods. 48161% 48162Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business. 48163 -- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed) 48164% 48165timesharing, n: 48166 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people. 48167% 48168Timing must be perfect now. 48169Two-timing must be better than perfect. 48170% 48171Tip of the Day: 48172 Never fry bacon in the nude. 48173% 48174Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control. 48175 -- J. LeBoutillier 48176% 48177Tip the world over on its side and 48178everything loose will land in Los Angeles. 48179 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 48180% 48181TIPS FOR PERFORMERS: 48182 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters. 48183 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe. 48184 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than 48185 they would ordinarily. 48186 There is no music in space. 48187 People will pay to watch people make sounds. 48188 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life. 48189% 48190TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of 48191force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product", 48192the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available 48193to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants 48194recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr. 48195Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview... 48196 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has 48197 never been easier." 48198Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use 48199it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector 48200components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the 48201work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's. Divide Dot-Product by the 48202magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how 48203much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!! 48204But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous 48205Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get 48206Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!! 48207Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again... 482081-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not 48209available through stores and is void where prohibited by law. 48210% 48211Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die. 48212% 48213'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents. 48214 -- H.L. Mencken 48215% 48216To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he 48217is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and 48218stopping at red lights are both optional. 48219 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 48220% 48221To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go 48222above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan 48223to spend a few days there. 48224 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 48225% 48226To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons 48227in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other. 48228 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 48229% 48230To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are, 48231in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The 48232only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the 48233Swedes speak better English." 48234 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 48235% 48236To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than 48237a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred 48238thousand. 48239 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts 48240% 48241To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. 48242To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither 48243oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete. 48244 -- Epictetus 48245% 48246To add insult to injury. 48247 -- Phaedrus 48248% 48249To any truly impartial person, it would 48250be obvious that I am always right. 48251% 48252To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. 48253 -- Elbert Hubbard 48254% 48255To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift. 48256 -- Shelley 48257% 48258To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who 48259should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing. 48260 -- Thackeray 48261% 48262To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job 48263than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult. 48264% 48265To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North 48266Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it. 48267 -- Confucius 48268% 48269To be great is to be misunderstood. 48270 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 48271% 48272To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in 48273Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's 48274fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste. 48275It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country 48276in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar 48277weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can 48278be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is 48279a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States 48280and not be happy. 48281 -- H.L. Mencken, "On Being An American" 48282% 48283To be is to be related. 48284 -- C.J. Keyser. 48285% 48286To be is to do. 48287 -- I. Kant 48288To do is to be. 48289 -- A. Sartre 48290Do be a Do Bee! 48291 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room 48292Do be do be do! 48293 -- F. Sinatra 48294Yabba-Dabba-Doo! 48295 -- F. Flintstone 48296% 48297To be loved is very demoralizing. 48298 -- Katharine Hepburn 48299% 48300to be nobody but yourself in a world 48301which is doing its best night and day 48302to make you like everybody else 48303means to fight the hardest battle 48304any human being can fight and 48305never stop fighting. 48306 -- e.e. cummings 48307% 48308To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to, 48309night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest 48310battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. 48311 -- E.E. Cummings, "A Miscellany" 48312% 48313To be or not to be. 48314 -- Shakespeare 48315To do is to be. 48316 -- Nietzsche 48317To be is to do. 48318 -- Sartre 48319Do be do be do. 48320 -- Sinatra 48321% 48322To be or not to be, that is the bottom line. 48323% 48324To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects 48325but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own. 48326 -- Lionel Strachey 48327% 48328To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man. 48329 -- Golda Meir 48330% 48331To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times 48332as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult. 48333% 48334To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first 48335and, whatever you hit, call it the target. 48336% 48337To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. 48338% 48339To be who one is, is not to be someone else. 48340% 48341To be wise, the only thing you really need 48342to know is when to say "I don't know." 48343% 48344To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for 48345you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius. 48346 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 48347% 48348To code the impossible code, This is my quest -- 48349To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code, 48350To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless, 48351To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load, 48352 To write those routines 48353To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause, 48354To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV 48355To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause. 48356To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true 48357 To this glorious quest, 48358And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm, 48359That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test. 48360 destined to lose, 48361Still strove with his last allocation 48362To scrap the unscrappable kludge! 48363 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha 48364% 48365To communicate is the beginning of understanding. 48366 -- AT&T 48367% 48368To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances 48369may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence. 48370 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661 48371% 48372To craunch a marmoset. 48373 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke" 48374% 48375To criticize the incompetent is easy; 48376it is more difficult to criticize the competent. 48377% 48378To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life. 48379 -- Senator Edmund Muskie 48380% 48381To do nothing is to be nothing. 48382% 48383To do two things at once is to do neither. 48384 -- Publilius Syrus 48385% 48386To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally 48387convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection. 48388 -- H. Poincare 48389% 48390To err is human -- but it feels divine. 48391 -- Mae West 48392% 48393To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so. 48394% 48395To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up. 48396% 48397To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. 48398% 48399To err is human, but when the eraser wears out 48400before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little. 48401% 48402To err is human; to admit it, a blunder. 48403% 48404To err is human, to forgive, infrequent. 48405% 48406To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. 48407% 48408To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. 48409% 48410To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy. 48411 -- MIT Assasination Club 48412% 48413To err is human, to forgive unusual. 48414% 48415To err is human, to purr feline. 48416To err is human, two curs canine. 48417To err is human, to moo bovine. 48418% 48419To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish. 48420 -- Benjamin Franklin 48421% 48422To err is human. 48423To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human. 48424% 48425To err is human, 48426To purr feline. 48427 -- Robert Byrne 48428% 48429To err is humor. 48430% 48431To everything there is a season, a time for every pupose under heaven: 48432A time to be born, and a time to die; 48433A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; 48434A time to kill, and a time to heal; 48435A time to break down, and a time to build up; 48436A time to weep, and a time to laugh; 48437A time to mourn, and a time to dance; 48438A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones; 48439A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 48440A time to gain, and a time to lose; 48441A time to keep, and a time to throw away; 48442A time to tear, and a time to sew; 48443A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 48444A time to love, and a time to hate; 48445A time of war, and a time of peace. 48446 Ecclesiastes 3:1-9 48447% 48448To fear love is to fear life, and those 48449who fear life are already three parts dead. 48450 -- Bertrand Russell 48451% 48452To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two. 48453 -- Norman Douglas 48454% 48455To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends. 48456 -- Benjamin Franklin 48457% 48458To get back on your feet, miss two car payments. 48459% 48460To get something clean, one has to get something dirty. 48461To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean. 48462% 48463To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three 48464persons, two of them absent. 48465% 48466To give happiness is to deserve happiness. 48467% 48468To give of yourself, you must first know yourself. 48469% 48470To have died once is enough. 48471 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 48472% 48473To hell with the Prime Directive; 48474Let's KILL something! 48475% 48476To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. 48477 -- Thomas Edison 48478% 48479To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. 48480 -- Robert Heller 48481% 48482To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war. 48483 -- W. Churchill, on Korean War negotiations 48484% 48485To keep your friends treat them kindly; 48486to kill them, treat them often. 48487% 48488To know Edina is to reject it. 48489 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election" 48490% 48491To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. 48492% 48493To lead people, you must follow behind. 48494 -- Lao Tsu 48495% 48496To listen to some devout people, 48497one would imagine that God never laughs. 48498 -- Sri Aurobindo 48499% 48500To love is good, love being difficult. 48501% 48502To make an enemy, do someone a favor. 48503% 48504To make tax forms true they should 48505read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You". 48506% 48507To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation. 48508 -- St. Augustine 48509% 48510TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered 48511where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the 48512circus and a clown killed my dad. 48513 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 48514% 48515To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura 48516bitters. Shake. 48517 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail. 48518% 48519To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet. 48520 -- 19th century toast 48521% 48522To refuse praise is to seek praise twice. 48523% 48524To restore a sense of reality, I think 48525Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland. 48526 -- Jack Paar 48527% 48528To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda. 48529% 48530To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role, 48531but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor 48532micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious. 48533 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp 48534% 48535To say you got a vote of confidence 48536would be to say you needed a vote of confidence. 48537 -- Andrew Young 48538% 48539To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse. 48540% 48541To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block, 48542and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was 48543agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy. 48544There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen; 48545it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of 48546tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of 48547mind over matter; quite. 48548 -- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit" 48549% 48550To see you is to sympathize. 48551% 48552To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts 48553the job will take the longest and cost the most. 48554% 48555To stand and be still, 48556At the Birkenhead drill, 48557Is a damned tough bullet to chew. 48558 -- Rudyard Kipling 48559% 48560To stay young requires unceasing cultivation 48561of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods. 48562 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 48563% 48564To stay youthful, stay useful. 48565% 48566To teach is to learn. 48567% 48568To teach is to learn twice. 48569 -- Joseph Joubert 48570% 48571To the landlord belongs the doorknobs. 48572% 48573To Theodore Roosevelt: 48574 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest. 48575The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but 48576you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion, 48577must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours. 48578 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli 48579 Lord of the Riff 48580 Sultan to the Berbers 48581 Last of the Barbary Pirates 48582% 48583To thine own self be true. 48584(If not that, at least make some money.) 48585% 48586To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is 48587madness. 48588 -- Eugene Ionesco 48589% 48590To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional 48591system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, 48592inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: 48593precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, 48594uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, 48595well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures 48596of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very 48597secure ecological niche. 48598 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" 48599% 48600TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: 48601 48602 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care 48603what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you 48604may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. 48605 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required 48606to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the 48607destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted 48608or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your 48609receving said benefit. 48610 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between 48611yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receving 48612as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may 48613in some way be influenced by this ceremony. 48614 Amen. 48615 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness" 48616% 48617To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. 48618% 48619To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what 48620he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do. 48621% 48622To use violence is to already be defeated. 48623 -- Chinese proverb 48624% 48625To whom the mornings are like nights, 48626What must the midnights be! 48627 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?) 48628% 48629To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly 48630strip down your words to naked, willing flesh. 48631Then bind them to a metaphor or three, 48632and take by force a satisfying mesh. 48633Arrange them to your will, each foot in place. 48634You are the master here, and they the slaves. 48635Now whip them to maintain a constant pace 48636and rhythm as they stand in even staves. 48637A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out! 48638What use are words that drive not to the heart? 48639A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt, 48640and choose more docile words to take its part. 48641A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain, 48642by making love directly to the brain. 48643% 48644To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition. 48645 -- Woody Allen 48646% 48647Tobacco is a filthy weed, 48648That from the devil does proceed; 48649It drains your purse, it burns your clothes, 48650And makes a chimney of your nose. 48651 -- B. Waterhouse 48652% 48653TODAY: 48654 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long. 48655% 48656Today is a good day for information-gathering. 48657Read someone else's mail file. 48658% 48659Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. 48660% 48661Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. 48662% 48663Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. 48664% 48665Today is the first day of the rest of your life. 48666% 48667Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. 48668% 48669Today is the last day of your life so far. 48670% 48671Today is what happened to yesterday. 48672% 48673Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a 48674cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a 48675boarder. 48676% 48677Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures. 48678% 48679Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new 48680cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more 48681spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog! 48682 -- Bob & Ray 48683% 48684Todays weirdness is tomorrows reason why. 48685 -- H.S. Thompson 48686% 48687Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy. 48688% 48689toilet toupee, n: 48690 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus 48691 creating endless annoyance to male users. 48692 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 48693% 48694Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name. 48695 -- Gore Vidal 48696% 48697Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past 48698but fortunately, it can still be changed today. 48699% 48700Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest. 48701% 48702Tomorrow, you can be anywhere. 48703% 48704Tomorrow's computers some time next month. 48705 -- DEC 48706% 48707Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch. 48708% 48709Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; 48710Don't forget to leave a tip. 48711% 48712Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 48713% 48714Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life: 48715 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault. 48716% 48717Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy 48718driving cabs and cutting hair. 48719 -- George Burns 48720% 48721TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin 48722real fast and freak everybody out. 48723 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 48724% 48725Too clever is dumb. 48726 -- Ogden Nash 48727% 48728Too cool to calypso, 48729Too tough to tango, 48730Too weird to watusi 48731 -- The Only Ones 48732% 48733Too Late 48734 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by 48735the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in 48736the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after 48737the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby. 48738 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861 48739% 48740Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. 48741They seem more afraid of life than death. 48742 -- James F. Byrnes 48743% 48744Too much is just enough. 48745 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey 48746% 48747Too much is not enough. 48748% 48749Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. 48750 -- Mae West 48751% 48752Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for 48753anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations 48754in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software." 48755 -- Instrument News 48756 [Once is too often. Ed.] 48757% 48758Too ripped. Gotta go. 48759% 48760Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch. 48761% 48762Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings: 48763 4876410: Sorry, but that's too useful. 48765 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent! 48766 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell 48767 #pragma is for. 48768 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too 48769 hard to write. 48770 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar. 48771 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here? 48772 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!" 48773 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker. 48774 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth. 48775 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'. 48776% 48777Topologists are just plane folks. 48778 Pilots are just plane folks. 48779 Carpenters are just plane folks. 48780 Midwest farmers are just plain folks. 48781 Musicians are just playin' folks. 48782 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks. 48783Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks. 48784% 48785Torque is cheap. 48786% 48787Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most. 48788% 48789TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day): 48790 I'm the person your mother warned you about. 48791% 48792Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. 48793 -- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz" 48794% 48795Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you 48796get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking." 48797 -- David Letterman 48798% 48799Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme 48800personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer. 48801 -- A. Gide 48802% 48803Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. 48804 -- David Letterman 48805% 48806TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED 48807% 48808TRANSFER: 48809 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town. 48810% 48811TRANSPARENT: 48812 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. 48813 "It's there, but you can't see it" 48814 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964. 48815 48816VIRTUAL: 48817 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object. 48818 "I can see it, but it's not there." 48819 -- Lady Macbeth. 48820% 48821TRANSVESTITE: 48822 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad. 48823% 48824Trap full -- please empty. 48825% 48826TRAVEL: 48827 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere. 48828% 48829Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. 48830% 48831Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy. 48832 -- Han Solo 48833% 48834Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. 48835"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. 48836 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has 48837to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or 48838by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms 48839for a short spell?" 48840% 48841Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy. 48842 -- Publilius Syrus 48843% 48844Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last. 48845 -- Charles DeGaulle 48846% 48847Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle. 48848 -- Michelangelo 48849% 48850Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level. 48851% 48852Trouble always comes at the wrong time. 48853% 48854Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the 48855next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of 48856a brand new series of three. 48857% 48858Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are 48859beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees. 48860% 48861Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing. 48862% 48863True happiness will be found only in true love. 48864% 48865True leadership is the art of changing 48866a group from what it is to what it ought to be. 48867 -- Virginia Allan 48868% 48869True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of 48870personal futility, and of the beauty of the world. 48871 -- David Mamet 48872% 48873Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. 48874 -- Henrik Tikkanen 48875% 48876Truly simple systems... require infinite testing. 48877 -- Norman Augustine 48878% 48879Trust everybody, but cut the cards. 48880 -- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy" 48881% 48882Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. 48883 -- Arabian proverb 48884% 48885TRUST ME: 48886 Get me, give me, buy me, do me. 48887% 48888TRUST ME: 48889 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor." 48890% 48891Trust your husband, adore your husband, 48892and get as much as you can in your own name. 48893 -- Joan Rivers 48894% 48895Truth can wait; he's used to it. 48896% 48897Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always. 48898 -- Albert Schweitzer 48899% 48900Truth is free, but information costs. 48901% 48902Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure. 48903% 48904"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense." 48905% 48906Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. 48907 -- Mark Twain 48908% 48909Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy 48910of him that brought her birth. 48911 -- Milton 48912% 48913Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) 48914% 48915TRUTHFUL: 48916 Dumb and illiterate. 48917% 48918try again 48919% 48920Try not to have a good time ... 48921This is supposed to be educational. 48922 -- Charles Schulz 48923% 48924Try not. 48925Do. 48926Or do not. 48927There is no try. 48928% 48929Try `stty 0' -- it works much better. 48930% 48931Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. 48932% 48933Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. 48934% 48935Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. 48936% 48937Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is 48938it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four 48939tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for 48940novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past, 48941the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future. 48942 -- Amrom Katz 48943% 48944Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. 48945% 48946Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances. 48947% 48948Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. 48949 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 48950% 48951Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. 48952% 48953Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only 48954specification is that it should run noiselessly. 48955% 48956Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for 48957which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly. 48958% 48959Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. 48960 -- Alan Watts 48961% 48962Trying to get an education here is like 48963trying to take a drink from a fire hose. 48964% 48965T-shirt: 48966 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum! 48967% 48968Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week. 48969% 48970Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life. 48971% 48972Turn on, tune in, and take over. 48973 -- Tim Leary 48974% 48975Turn the other cheek. 48976 -- Jesus Christ 48977% 48978Turnaucka's Law: 48979 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its 48980 electrical cord. 48981% 48982Tussman's Law: 48983 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. 48984% 48985TV is chewing gum for the eyes. 48986 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 48987% 48988'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, 48989and I never even had the decency to thank her. 48990 -- R.B. Gossling 48991% 48992"Twas bergen and the eirie road 48993Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son! 48994All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails 48995And the red bank bayonne. that claw! 48996 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun 48997He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw." 48998Long time the folsom foe he sought 48999Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood, 49000And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame, 49001 Came whippany through the englewood, 49002One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came. 49003 and through 49004The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong? 49005He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy! 49006He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!" 49007 He caldwell in his joy. 49008Did mahwah into patterson: 49009All jersey were the ocean groves, 49010And the red bank bayonne. 49011 -- Paul Kieffer 49012% 49013'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves And as in uffish thought he stood 49014Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame 49015All mimsy were the borogroves Came whuffling through the tulgey wood 49016And the mome raths outgrabe. And burbled as it came! 49017 49018"Beware the Jabberwock, my son! One! Two! One! Two! 49019The jaws that bite, and through and through 49020 the claws that catch! The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. 49021Beware the Jubjub bird, He left it dead, and took its head, 49022And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" And went galumphing back. 49023 49024He took his vorpal sword in hand "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock? 49025Long time the manxome foe he sought. Come to my arms, my beamish boy! 49026So rested he by the tumtum tree Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!" 49027And stood awhile in thought. He chortled in his joy. 49028 49029 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 49030 Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. 49031 All mimsy were the borogroves 49032 -- Lewis Carroll 49033% 49034'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 49035Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! 49036All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws 49037And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch! 49038 Beware the Jubjub bird, 49039He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" 49040Long time the manxome foe he sought. 49041So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood 49042And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame 49043 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood 49044One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came! 49045 through 49046The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock? 49047He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy! 49048And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!" 49049 He chortled in his joy. 49050'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 49051Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. 49052All mimsy were the borogroves 49053And the mome raths outgrabe. 49054 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky" 49055% 49056'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers 49057Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son! 49058All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth 49059By market's wrath unphased. that falls! 49060 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun 49061He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!" 49062Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought - 49063Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood 49064And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed, 49065 Came waffling with the truth too good, 49066Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed! 49067 and through 49068The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock? 49069It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy! 49070He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!" 49071 He bought him a Mercedes Toy. 49072'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers 49073Did gyre and tumble in the Crash 49074All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers 49075And mammon's wrath them bash! 49076 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky" 49077% 49078'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks 49079Did gyre and gimble in their cave 49080All mimsy was the CS-VAX 49081And Cory raths outgrave. 49082 49083"Beware the software rot, my son! 49084The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! 49085Beware the broken pipe, and shun 49086The frumious system crash!" 49087% 49088'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans, 49089Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot, 49090So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way 49091To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot. 49092 49093The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door 49094Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by, 49095Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air, 49096On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye. 49097 49098She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale 49099Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see, 49100As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey 49101And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea. 49102 -- Midnight On The Ocean 49103% 49104'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one -- 49105When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun. 49106Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh, 49107A satellite spotted him making his way. 49108The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire 49109Was ready for action, and started to fire! 49110The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky 49111Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July. 49112I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys 49113When out of my chimney there came a great noise. 49114I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see 49115St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me. 49116But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking: 49117A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking! 49118Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell; 49119Outside burning toys like confetti they fell. 49120So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone: 49121The Star Wars computer had got something wrong. 49122Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart; 49123'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start. 49124It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell, 49125If the crazy contraption would work very well. 49126So after a trillion or two had been spent 49127The system thought Santa a Red missle sent. 49128So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed, 49129There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead. 49130% 49131Twenty two thousand days. 49132Twenty two thousand days. 49133It's not a lot. 49134It's all you've got. 49135Twenty two thousand days. 49136 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days" 49137% 49138Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers 49139in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and 49140was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy 49141fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities. 49142 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, 49143"Light, bearing on the starboard bow." 49144 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out. 49145 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous 49146collision course with that ship. 49147 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on 49148a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees." 49149 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees." 49150 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20 49151degrees!" 49152 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change 49153course 20 degrees." 49154 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a 49155battleship, change course 20 degrees." 49156 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!" 49157 We changed course. 49158 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings" 49159% 49160Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. 49161 -- Howard Kandel 49162% 49163Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage. 49164% 49165Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The 49166penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn, 49167"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The 49168owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks 49169up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating 49170away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to 49171the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to 49172the movies!" 49173% 49174Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his 49175barstool and lay motionless on the floor. 49176 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure 49177knows when to stop." 49178% 49179Two heads are better than one. 49180 -- John Heywood 49181% 49182Two heads are more numerous than one. 49183% 49184Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was 49185performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by 49186British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General 49187Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in 49188her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided 49189a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon 49190entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention, 49191and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their 49192search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the 49193incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event 49194became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers. 49195% 49196Two is company, three is an orgy. 49197% 49198Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two. 49199% 49200Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a 49201canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can 49202call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the 49203end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!" 49204 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where 49205are we?" (They hear the echo several times). 49206 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! 49207You're lost!" 49208 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician." 49209 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?" 49210 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second, 49211he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless." 49212% 49213Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said, 49214"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said, 49215"He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour 49216trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising 49217his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine 49218the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself 49219and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man 49220did it and must pay three silver pieces." 49221% 49222Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars. 49223% 49224Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things, 49225with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that 49226toast always falls on the buttered side," said one. 49227 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look 49228at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the 49229dry side. 49230 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?" 49231 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side." 49232% 49233Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted. 49234% 49235Two percent of zero is almost nothing. 49236% 49237Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane. 49238% 49239Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By 49240the way, did you hear that Romanov died?" 49241 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!" 49242% 49243Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory. 49244I forget the second. 49245% 49246Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one 49247orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more 49248and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When 49249they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other, 49250toasts him, "Skoal!" 49251 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come 49252here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?" 49253% 49254Two wrongs are only the beginning. 49255 -- Kohn 49256% 49257Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. 49258 -- Thomas Szasz 49259% 49260Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain? 49261In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain? 49262What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp 49263Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp? 49264 49265Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears 49266The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears 49267On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see? 49268What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee? 49269 49270And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright 49271Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night, 49272And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye 49273What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? 49274 49275Could fetch it from the furnace deep 49276And in thy horrid ribs dare steep 49277In the well of sanguine woe? 49278In what clay & in what mould 49279Were thy eyes of fury roll'd? 49280 -- William Blake, "The Tyger" 49281% 49282Type louder, please. 49283% 49284U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! 49285 Run right up and rub its horn. 49286 Look at all those points you're losing! 49287 UMBER HULKS are so confusing. 49288 -- The Roguelet's ABC 49289% 49290Udall's Fourth Law: 49291 Any change or reform you make 49292 is going to have consequences you don't like. 49293% 49294UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. 49295% 49296Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then, 49297straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate: 49298Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity. 49299 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas" 49300% 49301Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer. 49302Sorry for the confusion. 49303 -- Sun Microsystems 49304% 49305Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the 49306woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some 49307leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts 49308coughing and drops dead. 49309 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 49310% 49311Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor? 49312It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right? 49313% 49314Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: 49315 Never use your thumb for a rule. 49316 You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. 49317% 49318Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some 49319ordinance under which you can be booked. 49320 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp. 49321% 49322Under capitalism, man exploits man. 49323Under communism, it's just the opposite. 49324 -- J.K. Galbraith 49325% 49326Under deadline pressure for the next week. 49327If you want something, it can wait. 49328Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic... 49329% 49330Under every stone lurks a politician. 49331 -- Aristophanes 49332% 49333Under the wide an starry sky, 49334Dig my grave and let me lie, 49335Glad did I live and gladly die, 49336And laid me down with a will, 49337And this be the verse that you grave for me, 49338Here he lies where he longed to be, 49339Home is the sailor home from the sea, 49340And the hunter home from the hill. 49341 -- R. Kipling 49342% 49343Under the wide and heavy VAX 49344Dig my grave and let me relax 49345Long have I lived, and many my hacks 49346And I lay me down with a will. 49347These be the words that tell the way: 49348"Here he lies who piped 64K, 49349Brought down the machine for nearly a day, 49350And Rogue playing to an awful standstill." 49351% 49352Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: 49353 Superiority is recessive. 49354% 49355understand, v: 49356 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which 49357 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the 49358 basis of your own internal model instead. 49359% 49360Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem 49361in relation to a bigger problem. 49362 -- P.D. Ouspensky 49363% 49364Unfair animal names: 49365 49366-- tsetse fly -- bullhead 49367-- booby -- duck-billed platypus 49368-- sapsucker -- Clarence 49369 -- Gary Larson 49370% 49371UNFAIR COMPETITION: 49372 Selling cheaper than we do. 49373% 49374Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many 49375friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to 49376throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him, 49377slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound. 49378 -- Jon Bentley 49379% 49380Unhappy the land that needs heroes. 49381 -- Bertolt Brecht 49382% 49383UNION: 49384 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management. 49385% 49386United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas 49387season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military 49388forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of 49389every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time 49390low over the world. 49391 -- Isaac Asimov 49392% 49393UNIVERSE: 49394 The problem. 49395% 49396universe, n: 49397 The problem. 49398% 49399Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little 49400in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates. 49401% 49402UNIVERSITY: 49403 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's 49404 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell 49405 you how to fix it, and... 49406 49407 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying 49408 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.] 49409% 49410University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. 49411 -- Henry Kissinger 49412% 49413UNIX enhancements aren't. 49414% 49415Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple 49416of more feet, just to be sure. 49417 -- Eric Allman 49418 49419... We make rope. 49420 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory. 49421% 49422Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix 49423hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- 49424but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. 49425People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the 49426world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers. 49427 -- E. Post 49428 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83 49429% 49430Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories. 49431 -- Donn Seeley 49432% 49433UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver 49434lightning with a laserbeam kicker. 49435 -- Michael Jay Tucker 49436% 49437UNIX is many things to many people, 49438but it's never been everything to anybody. 49439% 49440Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others. 49441 -- Berry Kercheval 49442% 49443Unix, n: 49444 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and 49445 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off 49446 with the workstation harem. 49447% 49448unix soit qui mal y pense 49449% 49450UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that 49451would also stop you from doing clever things. 49452 -- Doug Gwyn 49453% 49454Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1... 49455% 49456Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime 49457between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white 49458and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40. 49459 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987 49460% 49461Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues 49462of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself 49463a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst 49464be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth 49465time waste me. 49466 -- William Shakespeare 49467% 49468Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense. 49469 -- E.E. Cummings 49470% 49471Unnamed Law: 49472 If it happens, it must be possible. 49473% 49474Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, 49475unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. 49476 -- Edward Gibbon 49477% 49478Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now 49479pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. 49480 -- H.L. Mencken 49481% 49482Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world. 49483 -- Richard Amour 49484% 49485UNTOLD WEALTH: 49486 What you left out on April 15th. 49487% 49488Up against the net, redneck mother, 49489Mother who has raised your son so well; 49490He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh, 49491Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell... 49492% 49493Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid 49494or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth 49495noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon. 49496 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 49497% 49498Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ... 49499% 49500Use a pun, go to jail. 49501% 49502Use an accordion. Go to jail. 49503 -- KFOG, San Francisco 49504% 49505Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent 49506if no birds sang there except those that sang best. 49507 -- Henry Van Dyke 49508% 49509USENET would be a better laboratory is there were 49510more labor and less oratory. 49511 -- Elizabeth Haley 49512% 49513USER: 49514 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. 49515% 49516User hostile. 49517% 49518user, n: 49519 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." 49520 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" 49521 49522[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used 49523 when they meant "idiot." Ed.] 49524% 49525Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. 49526 -- S.C. Johnson 49527% 49528Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef. 49529 -- Tom Robbins 49530% 49531/usr/news/gotcha 49532% 49533Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war. 49534 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener" 49535% 49536VACATION: 49537 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that 49538 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday 49539 life-style to recuperate. 49540% 49541Van Roy's Law: 49542 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 49543% 49544Van Roy's Law: 49545 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition. 49546 49547Van Roy's Truism: 49548 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control. 49549% 49550Variables don't; constants aren't. 49551% 49552Vax Vobiscum 49553% 49554Vegetables are what food eats. 49555Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good. 49556Fish are fast moving vegetables. 49557Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them. 49558 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams 49559% 49560Vegeterians beware! You are what you eat. 49561% 49562Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 49563 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 49564 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. 49565% 49566Veni, Vidi, VISA: 49567 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. 49568% 49569Verba volant, scripta manent! 49570% 49571Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic. 49572 -- E.F. Benson 49573% 49574Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The 49575reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of 49576thirty-five. 49577 -- Joel Hildebrand 49578% 49579Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. 49580% 49581Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an 49582infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one 49583could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow 49584somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew 49585ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is 49586quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can 49587lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its 49588outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable 49589little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole 49590for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the 49591screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom, 49592is presumably working on it. 49593% 49594Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen 49595at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects. 49596 -- Herodotus 49597% 49598Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars. 49599% 49600VI: 49601 A hungry dog hunts best. 49602 A hungrier dog hunts even better. 49603VII: 49604 Decreased business base increases overhead. 49605 So does increased business base. 49606VIII: 49607 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator 49608 is fifth grade arithmetic. 49609IX: 49610 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent 49611 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D. 49612X: 49613 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do. 49614 People do not win people fights; lawyers do. 49615 -- Norman Augustine 49616% 49617Victory uber allies! 49618% 49619Viking, n: 49620 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers, 49621 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import 49622 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes. 49623 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning 49624 in the 9th century. 49625 49626Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used 49627only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront 49628property. 49629% 49630Vini, vidi, vici. 49631[I came, I saw, I conquered]. 49632 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 49633% 49634"Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked 49635violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method 49636ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the 49637issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges? 49638% 49639Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade. 49640% 49641Violence is molding. 49642% 49643Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. 49644 -- Salvador Hardin 49645% 49646Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then 49647there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a 49648frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we 49649weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as 49650impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but 49651shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed. 49652 -- Tom Robbins 49653% 49654VIRGINIA: 49655 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind 49656 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer. 49657% 49658VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 49659 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is 49660sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes 49661fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. 49662% 49663VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22) 49664 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count 49665 to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this 49666 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you 49667 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of 49668 that old underwear you own. 49669% 49670Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- 49671only the willingness to make it when necessary. 49672 -- Frederick Dunn 49673% 49674Virtue is its own punishment. 49675 -- Denniston 49676 49677Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment. 49678 -- Aneurin Bevan 49679% 49680Virtue is not left to stand alone. 49681He who practices it will have neighbors. 49682 -- Confucius 49683% 49684Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company. 49685 -- La Rochefoucauld 49686% 49687Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota. 49688% 49689Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells. 49690% 49691Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure. 49692 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres" 49693% 49694VMS, n: 49695 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game. 49696% 49697VMS version 2.0 ==> 49698% 49699Voicless it cries, 49700Wingless flutters, 49701Toothless bites, 49702Mouthless mutters. 49703% 49704VOLCANO: 49705 A mountain with hiccups. 49706% 49707Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim 49708And earthquakes only terrify the dolts, 49709And to him who's scientific 49710There is nothing that's terrific 49711In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts! 49712 -- W.S. Gilbert, "The Mikado" 49713% 49714Volley Theory: 49715 It is better to have lobbed and lost 49716 than never to have lobbed at all. 49717% 49718Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann 49719supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on 49720the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked 49721how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful 49722information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von 49723Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.". 49724% 49725Vote anarchist. 49726% 49727Vote early and vote often. 49728 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform 49729 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won. 49730% 49731VUJA DE: 49732 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before. 49733% 49734Wad some power the giftie gie us 49735To see oursels as others see us. 49736 -- R. Browning 49737% 49738Wagner's music is better than it sounds. 49739 -- Mark Twain 49740% 49741Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time. 49742 -- Pericles 49743% 49744Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 497451st customer: "I'll have tea." 497462nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" 49747 (Waiter exits, returns) 49748Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" 49749% 49750Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call, 49751Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all. 49752Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin, 49753Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again. 49754 49755Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall. 49756Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all. 49757Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled. 49758Make our country well again, respected by the world. 49759 49760Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun. 49761Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done. 49762Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free, 49763Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me. 49764 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder 49765% 49766Wake up and smell the coffee. 49767 -- Ann Landers 49768% 49769Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered 49770a capital crime. For a first offense, that is. 49771% 49772Walk softly and carry a big stick. 49773 -- Theodore Roosevelt 49774% 49775Walking on water wasn't built in a day. 49776 -- Jack Kerouac 49777% 49778Walt: Dad, what's gradual school? 49779Garp: Gradual school? 49780Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching 49781 gradual school. 49782Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually 49783 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore. 49784 -- The World According To Garp 49785% 49786Walters' Rule: 49787 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from 49788 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation 49789 on a plane that left Gate 1. 49790% 49791Wanna buy a duck? 49792% 49793Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed, 49794A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. 49795But then one day he was shootin' at some food, 49796When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is; 49797 black gold; 'Texas tea' ... 49798 49799Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire. 49800The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!' 49801They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be', 49802So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is; 49803 swimmin' pools; movie stars. 49804% 49805War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left. 49806% 49807War hath no fury like a non-combatant. 49808 -- Charles Edward Montague 49809% 49810War is an equal opportunity destroyer. 49811% 49812War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it. 49813 -- Desiderius Erasmus 49814% 49815War is like love, it always finds a way. 49816 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage" 49817% 49818War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military. 49819 -- Clemenceau 49820% 49821War spares not the brave, but the cowardly. 49822 -- Anacreon 49823% 49824WARNING: 49825 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your 49826 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth 49827 of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome 49828 of your favorite war. 49829% 49830WARNING! 49831 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need! 49832A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the 49833user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program 49834to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional 49835to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only 49836aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the 49837entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause 49838it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice 49839things to the terminal. 49840% 49841Warning: Trespassers will be shot. 49842Survivors will be shot again. 49843% 49844WARNING!!! 49845This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need. 49846 49847A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the 49848operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the 49849machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional 49850to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence 49851only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine 49852may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool 49853and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. 49854 49855See also: flog(1), tm(1) 49856% 49857Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles 49858In children's circuses could stay their troubles? 49859There was a time they could cry over books, 49860But time has set its maggot on their track. 49861Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe. 49862What's never known is safest in this life. 49863Under the skysigns they who have no arms 49864Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost 49865Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best. 49866 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time" 49867% 49868Washington, D.C. Wasting your money since 1810. 49869% 49870Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality. 49871% 49872Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 49873 -- John F. Kennedy 49874% 49875[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for 49876the people -- the big, the bland and the banal. 49877 -- Ada Louise Huxtable 49878% 49879Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer 49880knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing? 49881% 49882Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. 49883 -- Euripides 49884% 49885Waste not, get your budget cut next year. 49886% 49887Wasting time is an important part of living. 49888% 49889Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal. 49890% 49891Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home. 49892 -- Han Solo 49893% 49894Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. 49895 -- Mark Twain 49896% 49897Watership Down: 49898You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew! 49899% 49900Watson's Law: 49901 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the 49902 number and significance of any persons watching it. 49903% 49904WE: 49905 The single most important word in the world. 49906% 49907We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on 49908when it's necessary to compromise. 49909 -- Larry Wall 49910% 49911We all declare for liberty, but in using the 49912same word we do not all mean the same thing. 49913 -- A. Lincoln 49914% 49915We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling. 49916% 49917We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny. 49918% 49919We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways. 49920% 49921We all live in a state of ambitious poverty. 49922 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis 49923% 49924We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon. 49925 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer 49926% 49927We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is 49928whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling 49929is that it is not crazy enough. 49930 -- Niels Bohr 49931% 49932We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized 49933before we are fit to participate in society. 49934 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly 49935 Correct Behaviour" 49936% 49937We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others. 49938% 49939We are all born mad. Some remain so. 49940 -- Samuel Beckett 49941% 49942We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time. 49943% 49944We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. 49945 -- Oscar Wilde 49946% 49947We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness. 49948 -- A. Schweitzer 49949% 49950We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. 49951 -- Winston Churchill 49952% 49953We are anthill men upon an anthill world. 49954 -- Ray Bradbury 49955% 49956We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. 49957 -- Whole Earth Catalog 49958% 49959We are confronted with unsurmountable opportunities. 49960 -- Pogo 49961% 49962We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge. 49963 -- John Naisbitt, Megatrends 49964% 49965We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his 49966own facts. 49967 -- Patrick Moynihan 49968% 49969We are each only one drop in a great 49970ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle! 49971% 49972We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal. 49973% 49974We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese 49975dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies. 49976 -- J.Hoover 49977% 49978We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to 49979socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad 49980thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism? 49981 -- Fidel Castro 49982% 49983We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to 49984socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The 49985bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its... 49986Did I say socialism? 49987 -- Fidel Castro 49988% 49989We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. 49990 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 49991% 49992We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant. 49993Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated. 49994% 49995We are not a clone. 49996% 49997We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one. 49998 -- John Fisher 49999% 50000We are not alone. 50001% 50002We are not loved by our friends for what we are; 50003rather, we are loved in spite of what we are. 50004 -- Victor Hugo 50005% 50006We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to 50007develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers 50008Manual. 50009 -- Andrew Hume 50010% 50011We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property. 50012% 50013We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. 50014 -- Jonathon Swift 50015% 50016We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check 50017the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance. 50018 50019This is a recording. 50020% 50021We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and 50022share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft 50023our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air, 50024leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine 50025the substance that cast them. 50026% 50027We are the people our parents warned us about. 50028% 50029We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified... 50030to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful... 50031 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970 50032% 50033We are what we are. 50034% 50035We are what we pretend to be. 50036 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 50037% 50038We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. 50039% 50040We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it. 50041 -- Yates 50042% 50043We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the 50044technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM. 50045 -- Edsger Dijkstra 50046% 50047We cannot command nature except by obeying her. 50048 -- Sir Francis Bacon 50049% 50050We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once. 50051 -- Calvin Coolidge 50052% 50053We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. 50054 -- Richard Nixon 50055% 50056We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our 50057feet and go skating. 50058 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist. 50059% 50060We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth, 50061take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send 50062forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search 50063into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and 50064beautiful Universe, Our home. 50065 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler 50066% 50067We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack. 50068 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach 50069% 50070We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. 50071% 50072We don't care how they do it in New York. 50073% 50074We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. 50075 -- James Watt, noted theologian 50076% 50077We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. 50078% 50079We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish. 50080% 50081We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure 50082that it wasn't a fish. 50083 -- Marshall McLuhan 50084% 50085We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out. 50086 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962 50087% 50088We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control. 50089 -- Pink Floyd 50090% 50091We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation 50092We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control 50093No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings 50094Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone? 50095Chorus: (Chorus) 50096 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call. 50097 50098We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation 50099We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes 50100No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging 50101Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone? 50102(Chorus) (Chorus) 50103 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd 50104% 50105We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers. 50106% 50107We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do. 50108 -- Walter Summers 50109% 50110We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't 50111understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights! 50112% 50113We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy... 50114Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to 50115visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological 50116hammer. 50117 -- Charles Darwin 50118% 50119We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. 50120 -- La Rochefoucauld 50121% 50122We gotta get out of this place, 50123If it's the last thing we ever do. 50124 -- The Animals 50125% 50126We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated. 50127% 50128We have art that we do not die of the truth. 50129 -- Nietzsche 50130% 50131We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM! 50132% 50133We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new 50134levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly, 50135almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like 50136men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of 50137Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result 50138is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the 50139creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of 50140redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding. 50141 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981 50142% 50143We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. 50144 -- Carl Sagan 50145% 50146We have met the enemy, and he is us. 50147 -- Walt Kelly 50148% 50149We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent 50150than from the machinations of the wicked. 50151% 50152We have no scorched earth policy. 50153We have a policy of scorched Communists. 50154 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982 50155% 50156We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from 50157our children. 50158% 50159We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have. 50160 -- Margaret Mead 50161% 50162We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place. 50163 -- John Berryman 50164% 50165We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out. 50166% 50167We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official 50168name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu". You 50169may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had another 50170setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION". 50171 Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) 50172your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing 50173process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple 50174of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your 50175mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that 50176would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the 50177police would find you. 50178 You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. 50179 -- Dave Barry 50180% 50181We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement... 50182% 50183"We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog, 50184star of "The Muppet Show." [3] 50185 50186[3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we 50187were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of 50188character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol 50189after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an 50190acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the 50191letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while 50192looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed 50193that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs 50194should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our 50195source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky 50196instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for 50197publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission 50198to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission 50199was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the 50200temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book." 50201 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol" 50202% 50203We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities. 50204 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" 50205% 50206We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary 50207to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. 50208Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition 50209to crave knowledge. 50210 -- George Will 50211% 50212We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support 50213of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support 50214the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we 50215know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in 50216which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or 50217about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as 50218his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our 50219hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on 50220pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly 50221by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose 50222feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay. 50223 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 50224% 50225We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves. 50226 -- Eric Hoffer 50227% 50228We love our little Johnny 50229He's the best little boy in all the world 50230And we wouldn't trade him for anything 50231That's how much we love him. 50232No, we couldn't live without him 50233So that's why, since he died, 50234We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer. 50235He's so good, so well-behaved, 50236Even better than before; 50237Oh, such a wonderful kid he is. 50238Alice and me, we'll never be lonely, 50239Never miss our little Johnny, 50240He'll never grow up and leave us 50241That's why we love him like we do. 50242 -- Mr. Mincemeat 50243% 50244"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call 50245free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens 50246show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do 50247our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself." 50248 -- Cameron Hawley 50249% 50250We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue 50251than malnutrition. 50252 -- Alex Comfort 50253% 50254We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely 50255intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people 50256think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be 50257best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with 50258the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand 50259and speak English. 50260 -- Alan M. Turing 50261% 50262We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern 50263their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of 50264their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor 50265Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say 50266nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among 50267themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a 50268proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition, 50269we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the 50270Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but 50271internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof 50272of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be 50273accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on 50274earth. 50275 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options" 50276% 50277We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever 50278popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take 50279under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light 50280of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays, 50281filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour. 50282 -- Nolo News, summer 1989 50283% 50284We may not return the affection of those who like us, 50285but we always respect their good judgement. 50286% 50287...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection 50288by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations. 50289I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized 50290brains -- and I am equally confidant that our brains became large as 50291an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting 50292functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often 50293uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities 50294of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection. 50295 -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 50296% 50297We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn 50298of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it. 50299 -- Saul Alinsky 50300% 50301We must die because we have known them. 50302 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C. 50303% 50304We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must 50305condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like 50306the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of 50307chess-play ers, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan 50308for chess. 50309 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice 50310 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress 50311 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's 50312 "Stalin," published London, 1939 50313% 50314...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not 50315we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up 50316in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of 50317the past. 50318 -- Joseph Wood Krutch 50319% 50320We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of 50321the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front 50322is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace. 50323 -- Walter Lippmann 50324% 50325We must remember the First Amendment which 50326protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking. 50327 -- F.G. Withington 50328% 50329We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to 50330the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his 50331children smart. 50332 -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report" 50333% 50334We only acknowledge small faults in order 50335to make it appear that we are free from great ones. 50336 -- LaRouchefoucauld 50337% 50338We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the 50339originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has 50340forgotten its source. 50341 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" 50342% 50343We prefer to speak evil of ourselves 50344rather than not speak of ourselves at all. 50345% 50346We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. 50347% 50348We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, 50349content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest. 50350 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 50351% 50352We read to say that we have read. 50353% 50354We really don't have any enemies. 50355It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. 50356% 50357We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them. 50358 -- Thucydides 50359% 50360We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much. 50361 -- Jean de la Bruyere 50362% 50363We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is 50364in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot 50365stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that 50366is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. 50367 -- Mark Twain 50368% 50369We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been 50370born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken 50371out and shot. 50372 -- Strange de Jim 50373% 50374We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were 50375taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things 50376themselves. 50377 -- John Locke 50378% 50379We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents. 50380Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate. 50381 -- Dennis Miller 50382% 50383We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square. 50384 -- S.I. Hayakawa 50385% 50386We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they 50387remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that 50388the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than 50389the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule, 50390states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals. 50391These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who 50392want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that 50393they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and 50394who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country. 50395 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner 50396% 50397We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible. 50398We've done so much, for so long, with so little, 50399that we are now qualified to do something with nothing. 50400% 50401We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities, 50402ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote 50403preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves 50404and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States 50405of America. 50406% 50407We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet 50408size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In 50409fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here 50410are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: 50411 50412EUPHEMISM REALITY 50413------------------- ------------------------- 50414Excited about life's journey No concept of reality 50415Spiritually evolved Oversensitive 50416Moody Manic-depressive 50417Soulful Quiet manic-depressive 50418Poet Boring manic-depressive 50419Sultry/Sensual Easy 50420Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills 50421Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills 50422Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills 50423Very human Quasimodo's best friend 50424Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still 50425Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained 50426Flexible Desperate 50427Aging child Self-centered adult 50428Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it 50429Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television 50430% 50431We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet 50432size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In 50433fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here 50434are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: 50435 50436EUPHEMISM REALITY 50437------------------- ------------------------- 50438Independent thinker Crazy 50439High spirited Crazy and hyperactive 50440Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible 50441Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious 50442Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple 50443Cuddly Overweight 50444Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love) 50445Big and beautiful Really Fat 50446Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud 50447Svelte/Slender Anorexic 50448Dynamic Pushy 50449Assertive Pushy with a mean streak 50450Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung 50451Demanding Will make your life a living hell 50452Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich 50453% 50454We totally deny the allegations, and 50455we're trying to identify the allegators. 50456% 50457We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. 50458There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your 50459borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce. 50460 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard 50461% 50462[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things. 50463 -- R.W. Hamming 50464% 50465We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here 50466depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick. 50467 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra" 50468% 50469We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh 50470[Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run 50471behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around, 50472but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The 50473next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come 50474a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder. 50475The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says 50476to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh." 50477 -- Satchel Paige 50478% 50479We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we 50480were married for four and a half years. 50481 -- Nick Faldo 50482% 50483We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died. 50484% 50485We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. 50486If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves. 50487 -- Crazy Jimmy 50488% 50489We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was 50490also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a 50491French restaurant. [...] 50492 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk 50493white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her 50494boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the 50495bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad 50496rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished 50497there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...] 50498 "Stop the car," the girl said. 50499 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the 50500woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an 50501arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. 50502 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway 50503belle's for thee." 50504 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. 50505Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey 50506onto my granola and faced a new day. 50507 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway 50508 Competition 50509% 50510We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal 50511tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous 50512extinction. 50513 -- S.J. Gould 50514% 50515We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve 50516one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. 50517% 50518we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, 50519we will cry over things we used to laugh & 50520our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle 50521creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & 50522in the end a summer with wild winds & 50523new friends will be. 50524% 50525We wish you a Hare Krishna 50526We wish you a Hare Krishna 50527We wish you a Hare Krishna 50528And a Sun Myung Moon! 50529 -- Maxwell Smart 50530% 50531WEAPON: 50532 An index of the lack of development of a culture. 50533% 50534Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. 50535 -- John Heywood 50536% 50537Wedding, n: 50538 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one 50539 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become 50540 supportable. 50541 -- Ambrose Bierce 50542% 50543Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs. 50544% 50545Weed's Axiom: 50546 Never ask two questions in a business letter. 50547 The reply will discuss the one in which you are 50548 least interested and say nothing about the other. 50549% 50550Weekend, where are you? 50551% 50552Weiler's Law: 50553 Nothing is impossible to a person who doesn't have to do the work. 50554% 50555Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get 50556rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that 50557was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer 50558question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?" 50559 50560Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion. 50561 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" 50562% 50563Weinberg's First Law: 50564 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays. 50565% 50566Weinberg's Principle: 50567 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping 50568 on to the grand fallacy. 50569% 50570Weinberg's Second Law: 50571 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 50572 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. 50573% 50574Weiner's Law of Libraries: 50575 There are no answers, only cross references. 50576% 50577Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. 50578He'll come in handy if you run out of food. 50579 -- Dean McLaughlin. 50580% 50581Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions? 50582 50583D G G O 50584 50585O Y A N 50586 50587A D B T 50588 50589K I S P 50590Enter words: 50591> 50592% 50593Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, 50594The women are pretty, and the children are above-average. 50595 -- Garrison Keillor 50596% 50597Welcome to the Zoo! 50598% 50599Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the 50600use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for 50601demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking 50602sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming 50603can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on 50604the reader! For example, the sentence 50605 50606 Jane went to the store to buy bread 50607 50608should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something 50609sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a 50610cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if 50611Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control 50612of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive 50613my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"! 50614Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are 50615standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!) 50616% 50617Welcome to Utah. 50618If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear! 50619% 50620Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized 50621that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that 50622all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but 50623James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive 50624women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took 50625*thousands* of words to say it. 50626 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic 50627Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father. 50628Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because 50629what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.If all Russians talk 50630as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a 50631major world power. 50632 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise 50633the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right 50634out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me." 50635 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words: 50636 50637* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize 50638 nature and will kill you. 50639* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy. 50640 -- Dave Barry 50641% 50642We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday 50643night. Live, on the Death label. 50644 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise" 50645% 50646Well begun is half done. 50647 -- Aristotle 50648% 50649We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later. 50650% 50651Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep? 50652% 50653Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing. 50654 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information 50655 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph 50656 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be 50657 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles 50658 per hour, December 7, 1941. 50659% 50660Well, fancy giving money to the Government! 50661Might as well have put it down the drain. 50662Fancy giving money to the Government! 50663Nobody will see the stuff again. 50664Well, they've no idea what money's for -- 50665Ten to one they'll start another war. 50666I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'! 50667Fancy giving money to the Government! 50668 -- A.P. Herbert 50669% 50670We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter. 50671% 50672Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, 50673to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way. 50674 -- Laurie Anderson 50675% 50676Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot 50677of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a governor or 50678mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be 50679reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top contenders for the 1984 50680Democratic presidential nomination. These men will spend the next 18 months 50681going around the country engaging in the most degrading activities imaginable, 50682such as wearing idiot hats and appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the 50683Press" is one of those Sunday morning public interest shows that the public 50684is not the least bit interested in. It features a panel of reporters who 50685ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he 50686can get through the entire show without answering a single question. 50687 -- Dave Barry 50688% 50689Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five, 50690The headline screamed that I was still alive, 50691I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night. 50692I dreamed I'd been in a border town, 50693In a little cantina that the boys had found, 50694I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds. 50695When along came a senorita, 50696She looked so good that I had to meet her, 50697I was ready to approach her with my English charm, 50698When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm, 50699And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo, 50700Grow some funk of your own. 50701We no like to with the gringo fight, 50702But there might be a death in Mexico tonite. 50703... 50704Take my advice, take the next flight, 50705And grow some funk, grow your funk at home. 50706 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own" 50707% 50708Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them 50709back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, 50710or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they 50711they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. 50712 -- Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile 50713% 50714Well, if you can't believe what you read 50715in a comic book, what *can* you believe? 50716 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose 50717% 50718Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted. 50719 -- James Thurber 50720% 50721Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal 50722rights. 50723 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 50724% 50725Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either. 50726% 50727We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it. 50728% 50729WE'LL LOOK INTO IT: 50730 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we 50731 assume you will have forgotten about it,too. 50732% 50733Well, my daddy left home when I was three, 50734And he didn't leave much for Ma and me, 50735Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze. 50736Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid, 50737But the meanest thing that he ever did, 50738Was before he left he went and named me Sue. 50739... 50740But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars, 50741I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars, 50742And kill the man that give me that awful name. 50743It was Gatlinburg in mid-July, 50744I'd just hit town and my throat was dry, 50745Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew, 50746At an old saloon on a street of mud, 50747Sitting at a table, dealing stud, 50748Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue. 50749... 50750Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad, 50751From a wornout picture that my Mother had, 50752And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye... 50753 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue" 50754% 50755Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, 50756And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; 50757I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, 50758I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 50759 50760If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, 50761Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 50762'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. 50763I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 50764 50765On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, 50766But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. 50767Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, 50768I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 50769 -- Core Dumped Blues 50770% 50771We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu! 50772% 50773Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling, 50774And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling, 50775But I take delight in the juice of the barley, 50776And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early. 50777% 50778Well thaaaaaaat's okay. 50779% 50780Well, the handwriting is on the floor. 50781 -- Joe E. Lewis 50782% 50783We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, 50784we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. 50785 -- Dave Barry 50786% 50787Well, we'll really have a party, 50788but we've gotta post a guard outside. 50789 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody" 50790% 50791"Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in 50792poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come 50793and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!" 50794 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange" 50795% 50796Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers, 50797And we're loved everywhere we go. 50798We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth, 50799At ten thousand dollars a show. 50800We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills, 50801But the thrill we've never known, 50802Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, 50803On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 50804 50805I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie, 50806Who embroiders on my jeans. 50807I got my poor old gray-haired daddy, 50808Drivin' my limousine. 50809Now it's all designed, to blow our minds, 50810But our minds won't be really be blown; 50811Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, 50812On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 50813 50814We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies, 50815Who'll do anything we say. 50816We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way. 50817We got all the friends that money can buy, 50818So we never have to be alone. 50819And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture, 50820On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 50821 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show 50822 [As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.] 50823% 50824"Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some 50825higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you." 50826% 50827Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are. 50828 -- Buckaroo Banzai 50829% 50830WELL-ADJUSTED: 50831 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games. 50832% 50833We 50834own 50835this land. 50836 50837I don't spend 50838any time 50839on this land. 50840 50841This 50842is a tiny 50843little piece 50844 50845of my 50846business 50847interests. 50848 50849It's like 50850a grain 50851of sand. 50852 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, 50853 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992. 50854 From SPY Magazine, November 1992 50855% 50856We're all in this alone. 50857 -- Lily Tomlin 50858% 50859We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which 50860people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. 50861Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual 50862and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run, 50863it's not going to do anything for you. 50864 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984 50865% 50866We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable 50867things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend 50868and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students. 50869 -- Waldo D.R. Dobbs 50870% 50871We're happy little Vegemites, 50872 As bright as bright can be. 50873We all all enjoy our Vegemite 50874 For breakfast, lunch and tea. 50875% 50876Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the 50877formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite 50878shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide 50879a grin. 50880 -- F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations" 50881% 50882We're Knights of the Round Table 50883We dance whene'er we're able 50884We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table 50885With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable 50886We dine well here in Camelot But many times 50887We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes 50888 That are quite unsingable 50889In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot 50890Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot. 50891Between our quests 50892We sequin vests 50893And impersonate Clark Gable 50894It's a busy life in Camelot. 50895I have to push the pram a lot. 50896 -- Monty Python 50897% 50898We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold. 50899 -- D.W. Robertson. 50900% 50901We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful -- 50902but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and 50903then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for? 50904 -- Ensign Flandry 50905% 50906"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is 50907weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me 50908the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, 50909unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept 50910responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous 50911desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must 50912learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a 50913short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it." 50914 -- Don Juan 50915% 50916We're only in it for the volume. 50917 -- Black Sabbath 50918% 50919Were there no women, men might live like gods. 50920 -- Thomas Dekker 50921% 50922Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8. 50923% 50924Westheimer's Discovery: 50925 A couple of months in the laboratory can 50926 frequently save a couple of hours in the library. 50927% 50928Wethern's Law: 50929 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 50930% 50931We've tried each spinning space mote 50932And reckoned its true worth: 50933Take us back again to the homes of men 50934On the cool, green hills of Earth. 50935 50936The arching sky is calling 50937Spacemen back to their trade. 50938All hands! Standby! Free falling! 50939And the lights below us fade. 50940Out ride the sons of Terra, 50941Far drives the thundering jet, 50942Up leaps the race of Earthmen, 50943Out, far, and onward yet-- 50944 50945We pray for one last landing 50946On the globe that gave us birth; 50947Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies 50948And the cool, green hills of Earth. 50949 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941 50950% 50951Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay? 50952% 50953What!? Me worry? 50954 -- A.E. Newman 50955% 50956What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script 50957by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary 50958Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them! 50959 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses" 50960% 50961What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to 50962understand what a misfortune it is. 50963 -- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855. 50964% 50965What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. 50966 -- WOP, "War Games" 50967% 50968What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. 50969 -- Christopher Fry 50970% 50971What an artist dies with me! 50972 -- Nero 50973% 50974What an author likes to write most is his signature on the 50975back of a cheque. 50976 -- Brendan Francis 50977% 50978What awful irony is this? 50979We are as gods, but know it not. 50980% 50981What causes the mysterious death of everyone? 50982% 50983What color is a chameleon on a mirror? 50984% 50985What did ya do with your burder and your cross? 50986Did you carry it yourself or did you cry? 50987You and I know that a burden and a cross, 50988Can only be carried on one man's back. 50989 -- Louden Wainwright III 50990% 50991What did you bring that book I didn't want 50992to be read to out of about Down Under up for? 50993% 50994What did you do when the ship sank? 50995I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore. 50996% 50997What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person 50998is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes 50999that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is 51000the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to 51001live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in 51002others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others. 51003% 51004What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin. 51005 -- Jerry Lester 51006% 51007What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? 51008Not enough sand. 51009% 51010What does education often do? 51011It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook. 51012 -- Henry David Thoreau 51013% 51014What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? 51015% 51016What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to 51017win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? 51018In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded 51019that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the 51020simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a 51021base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second, 51022a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human 51023activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses 51024the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate 51025and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with 51026words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young 51027Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of 51028conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John 51029Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they, 51030and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward. 51031 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt 51032% 51033What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. 51034 -- Nietzsche 51035% 51036What ever happened to happily ever after? 51037% 51038What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them? 51039 -- Roger von Oech 51040% 51041What foods these morsels be! 51042% 51043What fools these morals be! 51044% 51045What fools these mortals be. 51046 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 51047% 51048What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. 51049% 51050What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down 51051where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's. 51052% 51053What good is a ticket to the good life, 51054if you can't find the entrance? 51055% 51056What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature? 51057 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men" 51058% 51059What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow 51060in his footsteps? 51061% 51062What good is having someone who can walk 51063on water if you don't follow in his footsteps? 51064% 51065What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry? 51066 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 51067% 51068What happened last night can happen again. 51069% 51070What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations 51071involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will 51072be pretty bad. 51073 -- Dave Barry 51074% 51075What happens to a dream deferred? 51076Does it dry up 51077Like a raisin in the sun? 51078Or fester like a sore -- 51079And then run? 51080Does it stink like rotten meat? 51081Or crust and sugar over -- 51082Like a syrupy sweet? 51083 51084Maybe it just sags 51085Like a heavy load. 51086 51087Or does it explode? 51088 -- Langston Hughes 51089% 51090What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes. 51091% 51092What has roots as nobody sees, 51093Is taller than trees, 51094Up, up it goes, 51095And yet never grows? 51096% 51097What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be 51098broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality 51099is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct. 51100 -- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 51101% 51102What I tell you three times is true. 51103 -- Lewis Carroll 51104% 51105What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. 51106% 51107What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? 51108In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. 51109 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 51110% 51111What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? 51112Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? 51113 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 51114% 51115What if there had been room at the inn? 51116 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity 51117% 51118What is a magician but a practising theorist? 51119 -- Obi-Wan Kenobi 51120% 51121What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things? 51122 -- J.M. Barrie 51123% 51124What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making 51125them puke. 51126 -- Steve Martin 51127% 51128What is food to one, is to others bitter poison. 51129 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 51130% 51131What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the 51132will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of 51133weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue 51134but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of 51135our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance. 51136What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and 51137all the weak: Christianity. 51138 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 51139% 51140What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's 51141enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking 51142out of him. 51143 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles" 51144% 51145What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires 51146an accomplice. 51147 -- Charles Baudelaire 51148% 51149What is love but a second-hand emotion? 51150 -- Tina Turner 51151% 51152What is mind? No matter. 51153What is matter? Never mind. 51154 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 51155% 51156What is now proved was once only imagin'd. 51157 -- William Blake 51158% 51159What is research but a blind date with knowledge? 51160 -- Will Harvey 51161% 51162What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank? 51163 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" 51164% 51165What is status? 51166 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion. 51167 51168Uh, no... 51169 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a 51170 problem with him. 51171 51172Uh, that still ain't right... 51173 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President, 51174 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a 51175 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you." 51176% 51177What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? 51178It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the 51179establishment of a Hilton on its peak. 51180% 51181What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank? 51182 -- Bertold Brecht 51183% 51184What is the sound of one hand clapping? 51185% 51186What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer 51187if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer. 51188 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth 51189 from outside Sinanju named Remo. 51190% 51191What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed 51192of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that 51193is the first law of nature. 51194 -- Voltaire 51195% 51196What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed 51197to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and 51198may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is 51199simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one, 51200big thumping lie that will then be believed. 51201 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of 51202 British civilian morale, 1939 51203% 51204What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, 51205which is the exact opposite. 51206 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical Essays", 1928 51207% 51208What is wanted is not the will-to-believe, 51209but the wish to find out, which is exact opposite. 51210 -- Bertrand Russell 51211% 51212What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. 51213% 51214What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither 51215goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night? 51216 -- Jack Kerouac 51217% 51218What luck for the rulers that men do not think. 51219 -- Adolph Hitler 51220% 51221What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend 51222is that there's nothing to compare it with. 51223% 51224What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us 51225is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. 51226% 51227What makes you think graduate school 51228is supposed to be satisfying? 51229 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" 51230% 51231What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility. 51232% 51233What no spouse of a writer can ever understand 51234is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window. 51235% 51236What nonsense people talk about happy marriages! 51237A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her. 51238 -- Wilde 51239% 51240What on earth would a man do with himself 51241if something did not stand in his way? 51242 -- H.G. Wells 51243% 51244What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. 51245 -- John Lilly 51246% 51247What one fool can do, another can. 51248 -- Ancient Simian Proverb 51249% 51250What orators lack in depth they make up in length. 51251% 51252What pains others pleasures me, 51253At home am I in Lisp or C; 51254There i couch in ecstasy, 51255'Til debugger's poke i flee, 51256Into kernel memory. 51257In system space, system space, there shall i fare-- 51258Inside of a VAX on a silicon square. 51259% 51260What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error. 51261 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals" 51262% 51263What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing 51264more than man's transparency. 51265 -- George Nathan 51266% 51267What passes for woman's intuition 51268is often nothing more than man's transparency. 51269% 51270What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. 51271It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books 51272and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes 51273and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes, 51274women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate 51275mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige 51276and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort. 51277 -- Susan Gordon 51278% 51279What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few 51280of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once 51281were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that 51282impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get 51283enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit 51284till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he 51285look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all 51286the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and 51287discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond 51288their grasp before they were five years old. 51289 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" 51290% 51291What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? 51292 -- U.K. LeGuin 51293% 51294What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? 51295 -- J.D. Farley 51296% 51297What segment's this, that, laid to rest 51298On FHA0, is sleeping? 51299What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run," 51300While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone. 51301 Dump, dump it and type it out, 51302 The file, the highseg of login. 51303Why lies it here, on public disk 51304And why is it now unprotected? 51305A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now 51306And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected. 51307 Dump, dump it and type it out, 51308 The file, the highseg of login. 51309 -- to Greensleeves 51310% 51311What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency? 51312% 51313What soon grows old? Gratitude. 51314 -- Aristotle 51315% 51316What, still alive at twenty-two, 51317A clean upstanding chap like you? 51318Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit, 51319Slit your girl's, and swing for it. 51320Like enough, you won't be glad, 51321When they come to hang you, lad: 51322But bacon's not the only thing 51323That's cured by hanging from a string. 51324So, when the spilt ink of the night 51325Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light, 51326Lads whose job is still to do 51327Shall whet their knives, and think of you. 51328 -- Hugh Kingsmill 51329% 51330What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went 51331around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work. 51332 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" 51333% 51334What the hell is it good for? 51335 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems 51336 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the 51337 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968 51338% 51339What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. 51340% 51341What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying. 51342 -- Nikita Khruschev 51343% 51344What they said: 51345 What they meant: 51346 51347"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever." 51348 (Yes, that about sums it up.) 51349"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you." 51350 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...) 51351"I simply can't say enough good things about him." 51352 (What a screw-up.) 51353"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine." 51354 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.) 51355"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go 51356a long way with his skills." 51357 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.) 51358"You won't find many people like her." 51359 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.) 51360"I cannot reccommend him too highly." 51361 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a 51362 felony in my presence.) 51363% 51364What they said: 51365 What they meant: 51366 51367"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much 51368of him as I do." 51369 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.) 51370"Her input was always critical." 51371 (She never had a good word to say.) 51372"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work." 51373 (And it's nonexistent.) 51374"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which 51375already has so many outstanding members." 51376 (Unless you already have a moron.) 51377"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable: 51378one unbelievable result after another." 51379 (And we didn't believe them, either.) 51380"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her." 51381 (In fact, to life in general...) 51382% 51383What they said: 51384 What they meant: 51385 51386"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you." 51387 (We certainly never succeeded.) 51388There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him. 51389 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...) 51390"Success will never spoil him." 51391 (Well, at least not MUCH more.) 51392"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling." 51393 (And such a sigh of relief.) 51394"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days; 51395in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities." 51396 (And his IQ, as well.) 51397"He should go far." 51398 (The farther the better.) 51399"He will take full advantage of his staff." 51400 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.) 51401% 51402What they say: What they mean: 51403 51404A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board. 51405Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident. 51406Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else. 51407 to unforseen difficulties 51408Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two. 51409Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be 51410 assured grateful for anything at all. 51411Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers! 51412Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised! 51413The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got 51414 to say something. 51415The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit. 51416We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're 51417 approach kicking it around. 51418A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but 51419 we're moving. 51420Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on. 51421 inconclusive 51422Modifications are underway We're starting over. 51423% 51424What they say: What they mean: 51425 51426New Different colors from previous version. 51427All New Not compatible with previous version. 51428Exclusive Nobody else has documentation. 51429Unmatched Almost as good as the competition. 51430Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money. 51431Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded. 51432Advanced Design Nobody really understands it. 51433Here At Last Didn't get it done on time. 51434Field Tested We don't have any simulators. 51435Years of Development Finally got one to work. 51436Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before. 51437Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round. 51438Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer. 51439No Maintenance Impossible to fix. 51440Performance Proven Worked through Beta test. 51441Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors. 51442Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails. 51443Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again. 51444% 51445What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. 51446% 51447What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon. 51448% 51449What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! 51450% 51451What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. 51452% 51453What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. 51454% 51455What time is it? 51456I don't know, it keeps changing. 51457% 51458What upsets me is not that you lied to me, 51459but that from now on I can no longer believe you. 51460 -- Nietzsche 51461% 51462What we Are is God's give to us. 51463What we Become is our gift to God. 51464% 51465What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. 51466 -- Wittgenstein 51467% 51468What we do not understand we do not possess. 51469 -- Goethe 51470% 51471What we need is either less corruption, 51472or more chance to participate in it. 51473% 51474What we see depends on mainly what we look for. 51475 -- John Lubbock 51476% 51477What we wish, that we readily believe. 51478 -- Demosthenes 51479% 51480What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die? 51481% 51482What you don't know won't help you much either. 51483 -- D. Bennett 51484% 51485What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond 51486your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or 51487your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel 51488powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do 51489with as you will. 51490 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen" 51491% 51492What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for 51493something to occur to you. 51494 -- Robert Frost 51495 51496 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 51497 referring to AST's.] 51498% 51499Whatever became of eternal truth? 51500% 51501Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for 51502cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your 51503nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while 51504shredding hundred dollar bills." 51505 -- Herb Caen 51506% 51507Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will 51508never succeed. 51509 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California 51510% 51511Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified 51512performance. 51513 -- Helen Lawrenson 51514% 51515Whatever happened to the good old days 51516when sex was dirty and the air was clean? 51517% 51518Whatever is not nailed down is mine. 51519Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down. 51520 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon 51521% 51522Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts. 51523 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 51524% 51525Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. 51526 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 51527% 51528Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half 51529as good. Luckily this is not difficult. 51530 -- Charlotte Whitton 51531% 51532Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that 51533you do it. 51534 -- Ghandi 51535% 51536Whatever you do will be insignificant, 51537but it is very important that you do it. 51538 -- Gandhi 51539% 51540Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like 51541other people. 51542 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows" 51543% 51544Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first. 51545% 51546What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority. 51547 -- Robert Altman 51548% 51549What's all this bru-ha-ha? 51550% 51551What's another word for "thesaurus"? 51552 -- Steven Wright 51553% 51554What's done to children, they will do to society. 51555% 51556What's page one, a preemptive strike? 51557 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College 51558% 51559What's so funny? 51560% 51561What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong 51562with every one of us - and that's "selfishness." 51563 -- The Best of Will Rogers 51564% 51565What's the ugliest part of your body? 51566What's the ugliest part of your body? 51567Some say your nose, 51568Some say your toes, 51569But I think it's your mind. 51570 -- Frank Zappa, 1965 51571% 51572What's this stuff about people being "released on their 51573own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance? 51574% 51575When a Banker jumps out of a window, 51576jump after him -- that's where the money is. 51577 -- Robespierre 51578% 51579When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far! 51580% 51581When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose? 51582% 51583When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but 51584the principle of the thing," it's the money. 51585 -- Kim Hubbard 51586% 51587When a girl can read the handwriting on 51588the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room. 51589% 51590When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the 51591inattentions of one. 51592 -- Helen Rowland 51593% 51594When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions 51595of many men for the inattentions of one. 51596 Helen Rowland 51597% 51598When a lion meets another with a louder roar, 51599the first lion thinks the last a bore. 51600 -- G.B. Shaw 51601% 51602When a lot of remedies are suggested for 51603a disease, that means it can't be cured. 51604 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard" 51605% 51606When a man assumes a public trust, he 51607should consider himself as public property. 51608 -- Thomas Jefferson 51609% 51610When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life. 51611 -- Samuel Johnson 51612% 51613When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, 51614it concentrates his mind wonderfully. 51615 -- Samuel Johnson 51616% 51617When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. 51618But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any 51619hour. That's relativity. 51620 -- Albert Einstein 51621% 51622When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him 51623keep her. 51624 -- Sacha Guitry 51625% 51626When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years 51627ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind 51628with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a 51629liar who has broken his promises. 51630 -- Franklin Adams 51631% 51632When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper. 51633% 51634When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not 51635far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel 51636is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. 51637 -- R.A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 51638% 51639When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see 51640the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain 51641relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. 51642 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 51643% 51644When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises: 51645first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it. 51646 -- Donnay 51647% 51648When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. 51649When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. 51650 -- Wilde 51651% 51652When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm 51653yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. 51654 51655Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive 51656out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit 51657by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you 51658to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead 51659that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was 51660looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the 51661poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill 51662him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful 51663death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your 51664story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could 51665the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of 51666paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job. 51667 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security 51668% 51669When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people 51670interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been 51671honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe. 51672 -- The Grab Bag 51673% 51674When all else fails, EAT!!! 51675% 51676When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance 51677the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter 51678knob. 51679 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual 51680% 51681When all else fails, read the instructions. 51682% 51683When all else fails, try Kate Smith. 51684% 51685When all other means of communication fail, try words. 51686% 51687When among apes, one must play the ape. 51688% 51689When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. 51690 -- Mark Twain 51691% 51692When arguments fail, use a blackjack. 51693 -- Ed "Spike" O'Donnell 51694% 51695When arguments fail, use a blackjack. 51696 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate. 51697% 51698When asked the definition of "pi": 51699The Mathematician: 51700 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the 51701 circumference of a circle and its diameter. 51702The Physicist: 51703 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005. 51704The Engineer: 51705 Pi is about 3. 51706% 51707When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense. 51708% 51709When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults. 51710 -- Brian Aldiss 51711% 51712When choosing between two evils, I always 51713like to take the one I've never tried before. 51714 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie" 51715% 51716When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite 51717easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger 51718handle this?" 51719% 51720When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by 51721reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" 51722% 51723When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect! 51724% 51725When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this 51726was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists 51727never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have 51728declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and 51729that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any 51730consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition. 51731 -- Josef Goebbels 51732% 51733When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?" 51734% 51735When does later become never? 51736% 51737When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? 51738Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday. 51739% 51740When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. 51741 -- Gen. C. Abrams 51742% 51743When forecasting, give them a number 51744or give them a date, but never both. 51745% 51746When God endowed human beings with brains, 51747He did not intend to guarantee them. 51748% 51749When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to 51750why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's. 51751 -- DeGourmont 51752% 51753When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and 51754inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats 51755blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes 51756screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he 51757stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing 51758himself to destruction. 51759 -- George Plimpton 51760% 51761When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced 51762to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. 51763 -- Brendan Behan 51764% 51765When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred, 51766He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!" 51767 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird" 51768% 51769when i die, i'd like to go peacefully. 51770in my sleep. 51771like my grandfather. 51772 51773not screaming, 51774like the passengers in his car... 51775% 51776When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A 51777loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a 51778barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another 51779drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks. 51780 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back 51781onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto 51782the bar, "*everybody* pays!" 51783% 51784When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket 51785and a willingness to compromise. 51786 -- Weber cartoon caption 51787% 51788When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great 51789parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me 51790if i'm leaving. 51791 -- Steven Wright 51792% 51793When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, 51794then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. 51795 -- Steven Wright 51796% 51797When I grow up, I want to be an honest 51798lawyer so things like that can't happen. 51799 -- Richard Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal 51800% 51801When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I 51802shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do 51803what you like now." 51804 -- Tolstoy 51805% 51806When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity 51807for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough. 51808 -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report" 51809% 51810When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil. 51811% 51812When I said "we", officer, I was referring to 51813myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat. 51814% 51815When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said 51816to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane." 51817 -- Franklyn Ajaye 51818% 51819When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever. 51820I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never 51821to be seen again. 51822 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu" 51823% 51824When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve 51825it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality. 51826 -- Al Capone 51827% 51828When I think about myself, 51829I almost laugh myself to death, 51830My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world 51831A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl 51832A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake. 51833I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend 51834When I think about myself. Too poor to break, 51835 I laugh until my stomach ache, 51836 When I think about myself. 51837My folks can make me split my side, 51838I laughed so hard I nearly died, 51839The tales they tell, sound just like lying, 51840They grow the fruit, 51841But eat the rind, 51842I laugh until I start to crying, 51843When I think about my folks. 51844 -- Maya Angelou 51845% 51846When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father. 51847By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement. 51848% 51849When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President. 51850Now I'm beginning to believe it. 51851 -- Clarence Darrow 51852% 51853When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard... 51854I was an only child... eventually. 51855 -- Stephen Wright 51856% 51857When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd 51858all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. 51859It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. 51860 -- Jack Handey 51861% 51862When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard. 51863I was an only child... eventually. 51864 -- Steven Wright 51865% 51866When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal 51867woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. 51868 -- Robert Schuman 51869% 51870When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if 51871I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" 51872 -- Steven Wright 51873% 51874When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends. 51875 51876I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's 51877picture that came with the wallet he bought. 51878 -- Rodney Dangerfield 51879% 51880When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't 51881say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls". 51882% 51883When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: 51884I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. 51885 -- Woody Allen 51886% 51887When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get. 51888 -- Rodney Dangerfield 51889% 51890When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act 51891of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of 51892seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is 51893always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you 51894would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human 51895organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. 51896The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems 51897to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things 51898together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. 51899 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" 51900% 51901When I was young we didn't have MTV; we 51902had to take drugs and go to concerts. 51903 -- Steven Pearl 51904% 51905When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened 51906or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot 51907remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to 51908pieces like this but we all have to do it. 51909 -- Mark Twain 51910% 51911When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had 51912slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." 51913 -- Steven Wright 51914% 51915When I works, I works hard. 51916When I sits, I sits easy. 51917And when I thinks, I goes to sleep. 51918% 51919When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and 51920the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in 51921the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who 51922comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says 51923he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked 51924questions like a senator. 51925 -- Muhammad Ali 51926% 51927When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better. 51928 -- Mae West 51929% 51930When in charge ponder, 51931When in doubt mumble, 51932When in trouble delegate. 51933% 51934When in doubt, do it. It's much easier 51935to apologize than to get permission. 51936 -- Grace Murray Hopper 51937% 51938When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. 51939% 51940When in doubt, follow your heart. 51941% 51942When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand. 51943 -- Raymond Chandler 51944% 51945When in doubt, lead trump. 51946% 51947When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. 51948 -- James H. Boren 51949% 51950When in doubt, tell the truth. 51951 -- Mark Twain 51952% 51953When in doubt, use brute force. 51954 -- Ken Thompson 51955% 51956When in Rome, live in the Roman way. 51957 -- St. Ambrose 51958% 51959When in this world the headlines read 51960Of those whose hearts are filled with greed 51961Who rob and steal from those who need 51962The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!) 51963Underdog (UNDERDOG!) 51964Speed of lightning, roar of thunder 51965Fighting all who rob or plunder 51966Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah) 51967Underdog 51968UNDERDOG! 51969% 51970When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. 51971% 51972When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame -- 51973half his wife's fault, and half her mother's. 51974% 51975When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing. 51976% 51977When it is not necessary to make a decision, 51978it is necessary not to make a decision. 51979% 51980When it's dark enough you can see the stars. 51981 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, 51982% 51983When license fees are too high, 51984users do things by hand. 51985When the management is too intrusive, 51986users lose their spirit. 51987 51988Hack for the user's benefit. 51989Trust them; leave them alone. 51990% 51991When love is gone, there's always justice. 51992And when justice is gone, there's always force. 51993And when force is gone, there's always Mom. 51994Hi, Mom! 51995 -- Laurie Anderson 51996% 51997When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it 51998will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it. 51999% 52000When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When 52001accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to 52002be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll 52003in. 52004 52005Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. 52006 52007When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants 52008make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When 52009senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be 52010solved. 52011 52012Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. 52013% 52014When Marriage is Outlawed, 52015Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. 52016% 52017When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. 52018 -- Calvin Coolidge 52019% 52020When my brain begins to reel from my 52021literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip. 52022 -- Ignatius Reilly 52023% 52024When my fist clenches crack it open, 52025Before I use it and lose my cool. 52026When I smile tell me some bad news, 52027Before I laugh and act like a fool. 52028 52029And if I swallow anything evil, 52030Put you finger down my throat. 52031And if I shiver please give me a blanket, 52032Keep me warm let me wear your coat 52033 52034No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, 52035 to be the sad man. 52036Behind blue eyes. 52037No one knows what its like to be hated, 52038 to be fated, 52039To telling only lies. 52040 -- The Who 52041% 52042When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was, 52043at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't 52044think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin 52045wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not 52046become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of 52047Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I 52048was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young 52049women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met 52050a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the 52051most unlikely of situations. 52052 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation" 52053% 52054When neither their poverty nor their honor is 52055touched, the majority of men live content. 52056 -- Niccolo Machiavelli 52057% 52058When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will. 52059% 52060When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. 52061 -- Dylan Thomas 52062% 52063When one knows women one pities men, 52064but when one studies men, one excuses women. 52065 -- Horne Tooke 52066% 52067When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish. 52068 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 52069% 52070When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts, 52071she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind 52072it less and less." 52073 -- Louise Andrews Kent 52074% 52075When oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U. 52076The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points 52077And Oxygen still had none 52078Then Oxygen scored a single goal 52079And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1 52080Called because of rain. 52081% 52082When people have trouble communicating, 52083the least they can do is to shut up. 52084 -- Tom Lehrer 52085% 52086When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing. 52087% 52088When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure? 52089% 52090When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932, 52091newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris 52092was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman. 52093 52094 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular 52095 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies 52096 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words: 52097 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides 52098 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the 52099 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how 52100 how an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison 52101 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred. 52102% 52103When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for 52104every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss 52105is away and you get twice as much done. 52106 -- Daniel B. Luten 52107% 52108When smashing monuments, save the pedstals -- they always come in handy. 52109 -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" 52110% 52111When some people decide it's time for everyone to make 52112big changes, it means that they want you to change first. 52113% 52114When some people discover the truth, they just 52115can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it. 52116% 52117When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got, 52118Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott, 52119Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes? 52120U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli, 52121They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli, 52122But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines! 52123 52124For might makes right, Members of the corps 52125And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war: 52126They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by 52127 peaceful means. 52128All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression-- 52129Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression! 52130 We only want the world to know 52131 That we support the status quo; 52132 They love us everywhere we go, 52133 So when in doubt, send the Marines! 52134 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines" 52135% 52136When someone says "I want a programming language in 52137which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. 52138% 52139When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four. 52140 -- S. Johnson 52141% 52142When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue. 52143% 52144When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple 52145of asterisked sentences: 52146 52147 It weighs less than 8 pounds.* 52148 And costs less than $1,300.** 52149 52150In tiny type were these "fuller explanations": 52151 52152 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all 52153 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power 52154 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks 52155 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you 52156 might not be able to figure this out for yourself. 52157 52158 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if 52159 you really want to. Or less. 52160 -- Forbes 52161% 52162When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!" 52163 -- Turkish proverb 52164% 52165When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. 52166 -- Chinese proverb 52167% 52168When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking 52169about themselves. 52170% 52171When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never 52172talking about themselves. 52173% 52174When the candles are out all women are fair. 52175 -- Plutarch 52176% 52177When the cup is full, carry it level. 52178% 52179When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it. 52180 -- Billy Sunday 52181% 52182When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little 52183muddy paw prints on the hood of my car. 52184% 52185When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. 52186 -- Lynch 52187% 52188When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer. 52189% 52190When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. 52191% 52192When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. 52193 -- Hunter S. Thompson 52194% 52195When the government bureau's remedies do not match 52196your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. 52197% 52198When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify 52199the problem, not the remedy. 52200% 52201When the Guru administers, the users 52202are hardly aware that he exists. 52203Next best is a sysop who is loved. 52204Next, one who is feared. 52205And worst, one who is despised. 52206 52207If you don't trust the users, 52208you make them untrustworthy. 52209 52210The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks. 52211When his work is done, 52212the users say, "Amazing: 52213we implemented it, all by ourselves!" 52214% 52215When the leaders speak of peace 52216The common folk know 52217That war is coming 52218When the leaders curse war 52219The mobilization order is already written out. 52220 52221Every day, to earn my daily bread 52222I go to the market where lies are bought 52223Hopefully 52224I take my place among the sellers. 52225 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood" 52226% 52227When the lights are out, all women are fair. 52228 -- Plutarch 52229% 52230When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, 52231the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a 52232nose bleed, which usually cures them of that. 52233 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 52234% 52235When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look 52236like a nail. 52237% 52238When the President does it, that means it is not illegal. 52239 -- Richard Nixon 52240% 52241When the revolution comes, count your change. 52242% 52243When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask 52244if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone," 52245he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the 52246right." 52247 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in 52248the wrong joke." 52249% 52250When the sun shineth, make hay. 52251 -- John Heywood 52252% 52253When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the 52254stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them 52255from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were 52256set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as 52257bodies of a lower grade... 52258 -- Stanislaw Lem 52259% 52260When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre, 52261he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single 52262seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly, 52263"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but 52264stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after 52265several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. 52266 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo, 52267what's your name?" 52268 "Samuel," he mumbled. 52269 "And where're you from, Sam?" 52270 "The balcony." 52271% 52272When the wind is great, bow before it; 52273when the wind is heavy, yield to it. 52274% 52275When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course 52276is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst. 52277 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 52278% 52279When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary. 52280 -- Balzac 52281% 52282When things go well, expect something to 52283explode, erode, collapse or just disappear. 52284% 52285When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, 52286most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear 52287that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition 52288continuously until death do them part. 52289 -- George Bernard Shaw 52290% 52291When users see one GUI as beautiful, 52292other user interfaces become ugly. 52293When users see some programs as winners, 52294other programs become lossage. 52295 52296Pointers and NULLs reference each other. 52297High level and assembler depend on each other. 52298Double and float cast to each other. 52299High-endian and low-endian define each other. 52300While and until follow each other. 52301 52302Therefore the Guru 52303programs without doing anything 52304and teaches without saying anything. 52305Warnings arise and he lets them come; 52306processes are swapped and he lets them go. 52307He has but doesn't possess, 52308acts but doesn't expect. 52309When his work is done, he deletes it. 52310That is why it lasts forever. 52311% 52312When we are planning for posterity, 52313we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. 52314 -- Thomas Paine 52315% 52316When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find 52317anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, 52318two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the 52319history of war have so few been led by so many. 52320 -- General James Gavin 52321% 52322When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh. 52323% 52324When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be 52325as before -- except our finger-tips will have been singed. 52326% 52327When we write programs that "learn", 52328it turns out we do and they don't. 52329% 52330When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. 52331 -- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae" 52332% 52333When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; 52334when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not 52335even our virtues. 52336 -- Balzac 52337% 52338When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. 52339 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand" 52340% 52341When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation 52342of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can 52343proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the 52344goal. 52345 -- Amrom Katz 52346% 52347When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; 52348when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere. 52349 -- St. Ambrose 52350% 52351When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. 52352% 52353When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often. 52354% 52355When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later 52356something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend 52357your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all 52358the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a 52359vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will 52360eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent 52361narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything -- 52362will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension. 52363But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come 52364from, to torture and unsettle us? 52365 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer" 52366% 52367When you become used to never being alone, 52368you may consider yourself Americanized. 52369% 52370When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal. 52371% 52372When you die, you lose a very important part of your life. 52373 -- Brooke Shields 52374% 52375When you dig another out of trouble, 52376you've got a place to bury your own. 52377% 52378When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. 52379% 52380When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 52381% 52382When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger, 52383When it looks like you will take a lickin'... 52384There is one thing you should learn, 52385When there is no one else to turn to, 52386Caaaall for Super Chicken (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) 52387Caaaall for Super Chicken!! 52388% 52389When you find yourself in danger, 52390When you're threatened by a stranger, 52391When it looks like you will take a lickin'... 52392 52393There is one thing you should learn, 52394When there is no one else to turn to, 52395 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) 52396 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! 52397% 52398When you find yourself in danger, 52399When you're threatened by a stranger, 52400When it looks like you will take a lickin'... 52401There is one thing you should learn, 52402When there is no one else to turn to, 52403Caaaaaall for Super Chicken. 52404% 52405When you get what you want in your struggle for self 52406And the world makes you king for a day, 52407Just go to a mirror and look at yourself 52408And see what that man has to say. 52409 For it isn't your father or mother or wife 52410 Whose judgement upon you must pass; 52411 The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life 52412 Is the one staring back from the glass. 52413Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum 52414And call you a wonderful guy, 52415But the man in the glass says you're only a bum 52416If you can't look him straight in the eye. 52417 He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest, 52418 For he's with you clear up to the end, 52419 And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test 52420 If the man in the glass is your friend. 52421You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life 52422And get pats on the back as you pass, 52423But your final reward will be heartaches and tears 52424If you've cheated the man in the glass. 52425% 52426When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve 52427people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 52428 -- Norm Crosby 52429% 52430When you go out to buy, don't show your silver. 52431% 52432When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever 52433remains, however improbable, must be the truth. 52434 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" 52435% 52436When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure 52437clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite 52438answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have 52439acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. 52440 -- R.A. Lafferty 52441% 52442When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. 52443 -- W. Churchill, on formal declarations of war 52444% 52445When you jump for joy, beware that no-one 52446moves the ground from beneath your feet. 52447 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" 52448% 52449When you live in a sick society, 52450just about everything you do is wrong. 52451% 52452When you make your mark in the world, 52453watch out for guys with erasers. 52454 -- The Wall Street Journal 52455% 52456When you meet a master swordsman, 52457show him your sword. 52458When you meet a man who is not a poet, 52459do not show him your poem. 52460 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master 52461% 52462When you overesteem great hackers, 52463more users become cretins. 52464When you develop encryption, 52465more users become crackers. 52466 52467The Guru leads 52468by emptying user's minds 52469and increasing their quotas, 52470by weakening their ambition 52471and toughening their resolve. 52472When users lack knowledge and desire, 52473management will not try to interfere. 52474 52475Practice not-looping, 52476and everything will fall into place. 52477% 52478When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that 52479you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice. 52480 -- Otto Von Bismarck 52481% 52482When you speak to others for their own good it's advice; 52483when they speak to you for your own good it's interference. 52484% 52485When you try to make an impression, the 52486chances are that is the impression you will make. 52487% 52488When you were born, a big chance was taken for you. 52489% 52490When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk. 52491When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned. 52492% 52493When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn 52494They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem. 52495 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy" 52496% 52497When your memory goes, forget it! 52498% 52499When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. 52500 -- Henry J. Kaiser 52501% 52502When you're a Yup 52503You're a Yup all the way 52504From your first slice of Brie 52505To your last Cabernet. 52506 52507When you're a Yup 52508You're not just a dreamer 52509You're making things happen 52510You're driving a Beamer. 52511% 52512When you're away, I'm restless, lonely 52513Wretched, bored, dejected, only 52514Here's the rub, my darling dear, 52515I feel the same when you are hear. 52516 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing" 52517% 52518When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else. 52519 -- David Pryce-Jones 52520% 52521When you're dining out and you suspect 52522something's wrong, you're probably right. 52523% 52524When you're down and out, lift up your 52525voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"! 52526% 52527When you're in command, command. 52528 -- Admiral Nimitz 52529% 52530When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when 52531you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened 52532of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time. 52533 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow" 52534% 52535When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. 52536% 52537When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to? 52538% 52539WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick 52540your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil. 52541 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 52542% 52543When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. 52544% 52545Whenever a system becomes completely defined, 52546some damn fool discovers something which either 52547abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. 52548% 52549WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to 52550laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle 52551to become a parrot or something. 52552 -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. 52553% 52554Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really". 52555 -- Dave Parnas 52556% 52557Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children 52558to spend their weekends with? 52559 -- Rita Rudner 52560% 52561Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. 52562% 52563Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel 52564a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. 52565 -- A. Lincoln 52566% 52567Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct 52568is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. 52569Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. 52570 -- Jack Handey 52571% 52572Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. 52573 -- Oscar Wilde 52574% 52575Whenever Richard Cory went downtown, 52576 We people on the pavement looked at him: 52577He was a gentleman from sole to crown, 52578 Clean-favored, and imperially slim. 52579And he was always quietly arrayed, 52580 And he was always human when he talked; 52581But still he fluttered pulses when he said, 52582 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked. 52583And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king -- 52584 And admirably schooled in every grace: 52585In fine, we thought that he was everything 52586 To make us wish that we were in his place. 52587So on we worked, and waited for the light, 52588 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread; 52589And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, 52590 Went home and put a bullet through his head. 52591 -- E.A. Robinson, "Richard Cory" 52592% 52593Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, 52594you can be pretty sure that they're not using it. 52595% 52596Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that 52597is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges 52598on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. 52599 -- Mark Twain 52600% 52601Whenever you find that you are on the 52602side of the majority, it is time to reform. 52603 -- Mark Twain 52604% 52605Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes and 52606weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes 52607and perhaps weight 1 1/2 tons. 52608 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949 52609% 52610Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I 52611% 52612Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk? 52613% 52614WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE 52615 Oh, dear, where can the matter be 52616 When it's converted to energy? 52617 There is a slight loss of parity. 52618 Johnny's so long at the fair. 52619% 52620Where do I find the time for not reading so many books? 52621 -- Karl Kraus 52622% 52623Where do you go to get anorexia? 52624 -- Shelley Winters 52625% 52626Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what 52627is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. 52628 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 52629% 52630Where is John Carson now that we need him? 52631 -- RLG 52632% 52633Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to 52634examine the laws of heat. 52635 -- Christopher Morley 52636% 52637Where, oh, where, are you tonight? 52638Why did you leave me here all alone? 52639I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love. 52640You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone. 52641 52642Gloom, despair and agony on me. 52643Deep dark depression, excessive misery. 52644If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. 52645Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me. 52646 -- Hee Haw 52647% 52648Where, oh where, are you tonight? 52649Why did you leave me here all alone? 52650I searched the world over, 52651And I thought I'd found true love, 52652You met another and [Bronx cheer] you were gone! 52653 -- Hee Haw 52654% 52655Where the hell is Wall Drug? 52656% 52657Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?". 52658% 52659Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance 52660in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. 52661% 52662Where there is much light there is also much shadow. 52663 -- Goethe 52664% 52665Where there's a whip there's a way. 52666% 52667Where there's a will, there's a relative. 52668% 52669Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. 52670% 52671Where will it all end? 52672Probably somewhere near where it all began. 52673% 52674Where you stand depends on where you sit. 52675 -- Rufus Miles, HEW 52676% 52677Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. 52678 -- Wittgenstein 52679% 52680Where's the man could ease a heart 52681Like a satin gown? 52682 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress" 52683% 52684...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to 52685spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it. 52686 -- Richard Shelton 52687% 52688Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest, 52689Do not cease your single-handed struggle. 52690Go on, do not rest. 52691 -- An old Gujarati hymn 52692% 52693Whether you can hear it or not, 52694The Universe is laughing behind your back. 52695% 52696Which would you rather have, a bursting 52697planet or an earthquake here and there? 52698 -- John Joseph Lynch 52699% 52700While anyone can admit to themselves they were 52701wrong, the true test is admission to someone else. 52702% 52703While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 52704The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 52705While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 52706And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 52707Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 52708The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 52709 -- Robert Burns, 52710 Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792 52711% 52712While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 52713The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 52714While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 52715And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 52716Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 52717The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 52718 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 1792 52719% 52720While having never invented a sin, 52721I'm trying to perfect several. 52722% 52723While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint 52724Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile, 52725began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless, 52726lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to 52727define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what 52728a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in." 52729 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes" 52730% 52731While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, 52732As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. 52733 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven" 52734 52735 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 52736 referring to hardware interrupts.] 52737 52738And now I see with eye serene 52739The very pulse of the machine. 52740 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight" 52741 52742 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 52743 referring to software interrupts.] 52744% 52745While money can't buy happiness, it certainly 52746lets you choose your own form of misery. 52747% 52748While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. 52749% 52750While most peoples' opinions change, 52751the conviction of their correctness never does. 52752% 52753While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who 52754held a gun to his head. 52755 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?" 52756 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot, 52757as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple. 52758 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted. 52759 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed 52760his head. "Go ahead and shoot." 52761% 52762While there's life, there's hope. 52763 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 52764% 52765While walking down a crowded 52766City street the other day, 52767I heard a little urchin 52768To a comrade turn and say, 52769"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse, 52770I'd be happy as a clam 52771If only I was de feller dat 52772Me mudder t'inks I am. 52773 52774"She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil 52775An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy, 52776Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson 52777Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy. 52778Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint 52779How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star: 52780If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that 52781Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are. 52782 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow" 52783% 52784While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in. 52785 -- Dean Rusk 52786% 52787While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's 52788still very reassuring to know that it's still there. 52789% 52790While you recently had your problems on the run, 52791they've regrouped and are making another attack. 52792% 52793While your friend holds you affectionately by both 52794your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. 52795% 52796Whip it, whip it good! 52797% 52798Whistler's Law: 52799 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. 52800% 52801Whistler's mother is off her rocker. 52802% 52803White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. 52804% 52805White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it 52806so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the 52807time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair. 52808% 52809Whitehead's Law: 52810 The obvious answer is always overlooked. 52811% 52812White's Statement: 52813 Don't lose heart! 52814 52815Owen's Commentary on White's Statement: 52816 ...they might want to cut it out... 52817 52818Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary: 52819 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search. 52820% 52821Who are you? 52822% 52823Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously? 52824 -- Nathan Pusey 52825% 52826Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with 52827our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process... 52828% 52829Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"? 52830 -- Hattie McDaniel 52831% 52832Who does not love wine, women, and song, 52833Remains a fool his whole life long. 52834 -- Johann Heinrich Voss 52835% 52836Who does not trust enough will not be trusted. 52837 -- Lao Tsu 52838% 52839Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing. 52840 -- Thomas Tusser 52841% 52842Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now? 52843% 52844Who is John Galt? 52845% 52846Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me? 52847% 52848Who loves me will also love my dog. 52849 -- John Donne 52850% 52851Who loves not wisely but too well 52852Will look on Helen's face in hell, 52853But he whose love is thin and wise 52854Will view John Knox in Paradise. 52855 -- Dorothy Parker 52856% 52857Who made the world I cannot tell; 52858'Tis made, and here am I in hell. 52859My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, 52860I never soiled with such a deed. 52861 -- A.E. Housman 52862% 52863Who needs companionship when you 52864can sit alone in your room and drink? 52865% 52866Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!? 52867No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em! 52868% 52869Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? 52870 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927 52871% 52872Who to himself is law no law doth need, 52873offends no law, and is a king indeed. 52874 -- George Chapman 52875% 52876Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE? 52877% 52878Who was that masked man? 52879% 52880Who will take care of the world after you're gone? 52881% 52882"WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! 52883It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!" 52884 -- Zippy the Pinhead 52885% 52886Whoever dies with the most toys wins. 52887% 52888Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not 52889become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks 52890into you. 52891 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 52892% 52893Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not 52894become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also 52895looks into you. 52896 -- Nietzsche 52897% 52898Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy. 52899 -- Groucho Marx 52900% 52901Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the 52902pure in heart can make a good soup. 52903 -- Ludwig Van Beethoven 52904% 52905Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom. 52906% 52907Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane. 52908% 52909Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods. 52910 -- Bernard Levin 52911% 52912Who's on first? 52913% 52914Who's scruffy-looking? 52915 -- Han Solo 52916% 52917Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people. 52918Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery. 52919% 52920Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard? 52921 -- Paul Simon 52922% 52923Why are programmers non-productive? 52924Because their time is wasted in meetings. 52925 52926Why are programmers rebellious? 52927Because the management interferes too much. 52928 52929Why are the programmers resigning one by one? 52930Because they are burnt out. 52931 52932Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs. 52933 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 52934% 52935Why are you so hard to ignore? 52936% 52937Why are you watching 52938The washing machine? 52939I love entertainment 52940So long as it's clean. 52941 52942Professor Doberman: 52943 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded 52944pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified 52945improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic 52946experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one 52947must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in 52948fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one 52949receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have 52950been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its 52951meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be 52952suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive 52953implications. 52954% 52955Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. 52956 -- Erik Satie 52957% 52958Why be a man when you can be a success? 52959 -- Bertolt Brecht 52960% 52961Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible? 52962% 52963Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible? 52964% 52965Why be difficult, when, with just a 52966little more effort, you can be impossible? 52967% 52968Why bother building anymore nuclear 52969warheads until we use the ones we have? 52970% 52971Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of 52972movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with? 52973% 52974Why did the Roman Empire collapse? 52975What's the Latin for office automation? 52976% 52977Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another 52978meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it 52979doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a 52980corner." 52981% 52982Why do seagulls live near the sea? 52983'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls. 52984% 52985Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? 52986It's quite uncanny. 52987% 52988Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow? 52989% 52990Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them? 52991% 52992Why do we want intelligent terminals 52993when there are so many stupid users? 52994% 52995Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away? 52996 -- Carl Sandburg 52997% 52998Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments? 52999% 53000Why does man kill? He kills for food. 53001And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. 53002 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 53003% 53004Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone? 53005 -- Jimmy Durante 53006% 53007Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition? 53008We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether 53009we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a 53010pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to 53011pay the fiddler. 53012 -- The Best of Will Rogers 53013% 53014Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle? 53015 -- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program 53016% 53017Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she 53018kissed her cow. 53019 -- Rabelais 53020% 53021Why I Can't Go Out With You: 53022 53023I'd LOVE to, but... 53024 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. 53025 -- None of my socks match. 53026 -- I'm having all my plants neutered. 53027 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. 53028 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky. 53029 -- I'm touring China with a wok band. 53030 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. 53031 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student 53032 named Basil Metabolism. 53033 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about. 53034 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. 53035 -- I prefer to remain an enigma. 53036 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever. 53037 -- I feel a song coming on. 53038% 53039Why I Can't Go Out With You: 53040 53041I'd LOVE to, but... 53042 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. 53043 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant. 53044 -- I'm trying to be less popular. 53045 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting. 53046 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. 53047 -- My subconscious says no. 53048 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I 53049 can't seem to put it down. 53050 -- My favorite commercial is on TV. 53051 -- I have to study for my blood test. 53052 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati. 53053 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. 53054 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering. 53055% 53056Why I Can't Go Out With You: 53057 53058I'd LOVE to, but... 53059 -- I have to floss my cat. 53060 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. 53061 -- I need to spend more time with my blender. 53062 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 53063 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio. 53064 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. 53065 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 53066 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise. 53067 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 53068 -- I have some really hard words to look up. 53069% 53070Why I Can't Go Out With You: 53071 53072I'd LOVE to, but... 53073 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. 53074 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 53075 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. 53076 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. 53077 -- I have to fulfill my potential. 53078 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone. 53079 -- It's too close to the turn of the century. 53080 -- I have to bleach my hare. 53081 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob. 53082 -- I left my body in my other clothes. 53083% 53084Why I Can't Go Out With You: 53085 53086I'd LOVE to, but... 53087 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 53088 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 53089 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 53090 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. 53091 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night. 53092 -- I'm building a plant from a kit. 53093 -- There's a disturbance in the Force. 53094 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. 53095 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. 53096 -- My crayons all melted together. 53097% 53098Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much? 53099% 53100Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you? 53101% 53102Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? 53103It is because we are not the person involved. 53104 -- Mark Twain 53105% 53106Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 53107 -- Stephen Wright 53108% 53109Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? 53110 -- Lily Tomlin 53111% 53112Why isn't there some cheap and easy 53113way to prove how much she means to me? 53114% 53115Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they 53116are another's. 53117 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681 53118% 53119Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I 53120not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't -- 53121Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not 53122do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want 53123me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? -- 53124I can't think why not. 53125 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria, 53126 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele 53127% 53128Why not go out on a limb? 53129Isn't that where the fruit is? 53130% 53131Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a 53132fresh one for a quarter of the price? 53133% 53134Why was I born with such contemporaries? 53135 -- Oscar Wilde 53136% 53137Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is 53138wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that 53139unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it 53140not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant 53141beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be 53142incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling 53143into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily 53144needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate 53145origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that 53146we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infintesimal 53147parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all 53148eternity for his faithlessness. 53149 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology", 53150 Fortnightly Review, 1876 53151% 53152Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said? 53153 -- Tom Ryan 53154% 53155Why would anyone want to be called "Later"? 53156% 53157Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? 53158 -- The Tasmanian Devil 53159% 53160Wiker's Law: 53161 Government expands to absorb all 53162 available revenue and then some. 53163% 53164Wilcox's Law: 53165 A pat on the back is only a few 53166 centimeters from a kick in the pants. 53167% 53168Will Rogers never met you. 53169% 53170Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it? 53171That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even! 53172% 53173Will your long-winded speeches never end? 53174What ails you that you keep on arguing? 53175 -- Job 16:3 53176% 53177William Safire's Rules for Writers: 53178 Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice 53179should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. 53180Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if 53181you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a 53182great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A 53183writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence 53184with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word 53185to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place 53186pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 53187or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling 53188participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a 53189sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid 53190mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone 53191should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in 53192their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always 53193follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; 53194seek viable alternatives. 53195% 53196Williams and Holland's Law: 53197 If enough data is collected, 53198 anything may be proven by statistical methods. 53199% 53200Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite, 53201See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite; 53202Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays: 53203Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days. 53204 53205Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash, 53206Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash. 53207Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly, 53208Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy. 53209 53210William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell, 53211Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well! 53212Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water, 53213"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." 'sure is hard to raise a daughter.' 53214 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899 53215% 53216Wilner's Observation: 53217 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private. 53218% 53219Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing. 53220 -- Vince Lombardi 53221% 53222Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything. 53223% 53224Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... 53225If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your 53226head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick... 53227 -- Stephen Wright 53228% 53229Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." 53230 -- Robert Byrne 53231% 53232Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house 53233as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. 53234% 53235[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying 53236hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast. 53237 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV 53238% 53239Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. 53240 -- J. Winter Smith 53241% 53242Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list. 53243% 53244Wishing without work is like fishing without bait. 53245 -- Frank Tyger 53246% 53247WIT: 53248 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery... 53249 by leaving it out. 53250% 53251With a rubber duck, one's never alone. 53252% 53253With all the fancy scientists in the world, 53254why can't they just once build a nuclear balm. 53255% 53256With all the talent around, it's sort of 53257amazing that a woman could be up here with us. 53258 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner 53259% 53260With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. 53261% 53262With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time 53263they make a law it's a joke. 53264 -- W. Rogers 53265% 53266With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand 53267miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, 53268and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there 53269is no such thing as progress. 53270 -- Ransom K. Ferm 53271% 53272With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind 53273she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself. 53274 -- Tolstoy 53275% 53276With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance. 53277% 53278With reasonable men I will reason; 53279with humane men I will plead; 53280but to tyrants I will give no quarter. 53281 -- William Lloyd Garrison 53282% 53283With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team 53284celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus 53285party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and 53286eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at 53287parties. 53288 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the 53289strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's 53290your G.P.A.?" 53291 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in 53292the city and forty on the highway." 53293% 53294With the end of the football season, a star player on the college team was 53295celebrating the relaxation of his curfew by attending a late-night campus 53296party. Soon after arriving, he was captivated by a beautiful coed and 53297eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at 53298parties. 53299 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the 53300strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's 53301you G.P.A.?" 53302 Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get at least 53303twenty-five in the city and forty on the highway!" 53304% 53305With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of 53306it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too 53307close. Like catching snakes. 53308 -- Marlon Brando 53309% 53310Within a computer, natural language is unnatural. 53311% 53312Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential 53313community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might 53314keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet 53315Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how 53316we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb. 53317I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke 53318them again -- and this time we'd use it. 53319 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the 53320 White House's National Security Council, Washington 53321 Post, 21 March, 1982 53322% 53323Without adventure, civilization is in full decay. 53324 -- Alfred North Whitehead 53325% 53326Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the 53327way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an 53328indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less 53329important to him than his table or his white robe. 53330 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac 53331% 53332Without fools there would be no wisdom. 53333% 53334Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. 53335% 53336Without life, Biology itself would be impossible. 53337% 53338Without love intelligence is dangerous; 53339without intelligence love is not enough. 53340 -- Ashley Montagu 53341% 53342With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about? 53343 -- Pink Floyd 53344% 53345Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer, 53346Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer 53347The future's uncertain and the end is always near. 53348 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues" 53349% 53350Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion 53351bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone. 53352Hundred billion castaways looking for a call. 53353% 53354WOLF: 53355 A man who knows all the ankles. 53356% 53357WOMAN: 53358 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and 53359 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. 53360 -- Bierce 53361% 53362Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?" 53363Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated." 53364% 53365Woman are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't 53366want to own one. 53367 -- W.C. Fields 53368% 53369Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. 53370 -- Dumas 53371% 53372Woman is generally so bad that the difference 53373between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists. 53374 -- Tolstoy 53375% 53376Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk. 53377Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly. 53378 I shall be sober in the morning. 53379% 53380Woman was God's second mistake. 53381 -- Nietzsche 53382% 53383Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor 53384out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be 53385equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart 53386that he might love her. 53387 -- Henry 53388% 53389Woman would be more charming if one could 53390fall into her arms without falling into her hands. 53391 -- DeGourmont 53392% 53393Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool. 53394 -- Cervantes 53395% 53396Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed, 53397they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with. 53398 -- Warren Beatty 53399% 53400Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: 53401once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their 53402marriage certificates, and defy you. 53403 -- Jerrold 53404% 53405Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it 53406from charity, or revenge? 53407 -- Gustave Vapereau 53408% 53409Women are just like men, only different. 53410% 53411Women are like elephants to me: I like to 53412look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one. 53413 -- W.C. Fields 53414% 53415Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have. 53416 -- Herold 53417% 53418Women are nothing but machines for producing children. 53419 -- Napoleon 53420% 53421Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. 53422 -- Stephens 53423% 53424Women aren't as mere as they used to be. 53425 -- Pogo 53426% 53427Women can keep a secret just as well as men, 53428but it takes more of them to do it. 53429% 53430Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two 53431categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much. 53432 -- Ann Landers 53433% 53434Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge 53435as good as any other. 53436 -- Philippe De Remi 53437% 53438Women give themselves to God when the 53439Devil wants nothing more to do with them. 53440 -- Arnould 53441% 53442Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly; 53443but they invariably want it back in such very small change. 53444 -- Wilde 53445% 53446Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little 53447crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying. 53448 -- Ansey 53449% 53450Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. 53451In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the 53452original earth clinging to the roots. 53453 -- Bierce 53454% 53455Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong 53456than men who reason with the head. 53457 -- DeLescure 53458% 53459Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity, 53460but never a man who misses one. 53461 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord 53462% 53463Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship 53464us and are always bothering us to do something for them. 53465 -- Wilde 53466% 53467Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell 53468them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man 53469than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry. 53470 -- Mort Sahl 53471% 53472Women waste men's lives and think they have 53473indemnified them by a few gracious words. 53474 -- Balzac 53475% 53476Women, when they are not in love, have all 53477the cold blood of an experienced attorney. 53478 -- Balzac 53479% 53480Women, when they have made a sheep of a man, 53481always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron. 53482 -- Balzac 53483% 53484Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition. 53485% 53486Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination. 53487% 53488Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; 53489not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or 53490graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves. 53491 -- Amiel 53492% 53493Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. 53494% 53495Women's virtue is man's greatest invention. 53496 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner 53497% 53498Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, 53499and philosophy begins in wonder. 53500 Socrates, quoting Plato 53501% 53502Wonderful day. 53503Your hangover just makes it seem terrible. 53504% 53505Woodward's Law: 53506 A theory is better than its explanation. 53507% 53508Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson? 53509Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. 53510 Let's just cut to the happy ending. 53511 -- Cheers, Airport V 53512 53513Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you. 53514Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here. 53515 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back 53516 53517Sam: Beer, Norm? 53518Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good. 53519 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens 53520% 53521Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose? 53522Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh? 53523 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction 53524 53525Sam: What are you up to Norm? 53526Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall. 53527 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh 53528 53529Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson. 53530Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.' 53531 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 53532% 53533Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one? 53534Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers. 53535 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah 53536 53537Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that 53538 swallowed the canary. 53539Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down. 53540 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah 53541 53542Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson? 53543Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass. 53544 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2 53545% 53546Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up? 53547Norm: The warranty on my liver. 53548 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do 53549 53550Sam: What can I do for you, Norm? 53551Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam. 53552 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd 53553 53554Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 53555Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood. 53556 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife 53557% 53558Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson? 53559Norm: Poor. 53560Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 53561Norm: No, I meant `pour'. 53562 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3 53563 53564Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story? 53565Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer. 53566 -- Cheers, The Proposal 53567 53568Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you? 53569Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper. 53570 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash 53571% 53572Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 53573Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody. 53574 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office 53575 53576Sam: How's life treating you? 53577Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't. 53578 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss 53579 53580Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson? 53581Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody? 53582Woody: For a beer? 53583Norm: No, for stupid questions. 53584 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie 53585% 53586Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson? 53587Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me? 53588 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1 53589 53590Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson? 53591Norm: My cheeks on this barstool. 53592 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 53593 53594Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer? 53595Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ... 53596 Eh, make that one-thirty. 53597 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 53598% 53599Woolsey-Swanson Rule: 53600 People would rather live with a problem they cannot 53601 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand. 53602% 53603Words are the voice of the heart. 53604% 53605Words can never express what words can never express. 53606% 53607Words have a longer life than deeds. 53608 -- Pindar 53609% 53610Words must be weighed, not counted. 53611% 53612WORK: 53613 The blessed respite from screaming kids and 53614 soap operas for which you actually get paid. 53615% 53616Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. 53617Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. 53618 -- Mark Twain 53619% 53620Work continues in this area. 53621 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton 53622% 53623Work expands to fill the time available. 53624 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955 53625% 53626Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near 53627the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people 53628to do so. 53629 -- Bertrand Russell 53630% 53631Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life. 53632 -- Schulz 53633% 53634Work is the curse of the drinking classes. 53635 -- Mike Romanoff 53636% 53637Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with 53638a handshake, and have fun. 53639 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy, 53640 shortly before dying at the age of 86. 53641% 53642Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling. 53643% 53644Work without a vision is slavery, 53645Vision without work is a pipe dream, 53646But vision with work is the hope of the world. 53647% 53648Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with 53649a valentine. 53650 -- Christopher Plummer 53651% 53652World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century 53653since H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil 53654thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately 53655-- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds 53656together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of 53657error in the world." 53658 -- Sydney Harris 53659% 53660Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair-- 53661It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. 53662% 53663Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: 53664 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though. 53665 -- Steve Rubenstein 53666% 53667Worst Month of the Year: 53668 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if 53669 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you 53670 don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. 53671 -- Steve Rubenstein 53672% 53673Worst Vegetable of the Year: 53674 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. 53675 -- Steve Rubenstein 53676% 53677Worth seeing? 53678Yes, but not worth going to see. 53679% 53680Worthless. 53681 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS 53682 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the 53683 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the 53684 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September 53685 15, 1842. 53686% 53687WOTD: 53688 53689 ` 53690 53691% 53692Would it help if I got out and pushed? 53693 -- Princess Leia Organa 53694% 53695Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue. 53696 -- Alfieri 53697% 53698Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights? 53699% 53700Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake? 53701 -- John Heywood 53702% 53703Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction? 53704% 53705Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions? 53706% 53707Would you like to be tried in court by people 53708who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty? 53709% 53710Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!! 53711% 53712Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine 53713stuff.... 53714 -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg trial 53715 testimony, 1947 53716% 53717Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight? 53718 -- George Carlin 53719% 53720"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" 53721"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 53722 -- Lewis Carrol 53723% 53724Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were 53725a turn-on? 53726 -- "Broadcast News" 53727% 53728Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. 53729 -- Mark Twain 53730% 53731Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. 53732 -- Anonymous 53733% 53734Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply. 53735% 53736WRITE-PROTECT TAB: 53737 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly 53738 left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error 53739 message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs 53740 the momentary inconvenience. 53741 -- Robb Russon 53742% 53743write-protect tab, n: 53744 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left 53745 by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message 53746 once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary 53747 inconvenience. 53748 -- Robb Russon 53749% 53750Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear 53751witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results 53752from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences. 53753Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief 53754and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped 53755make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th 53756century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce. 53757Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM 53758PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult 53759holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it 53760is itself the one hope for salvation. 53761 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 53762% 53763Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. 53764% 53765Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of 53766paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. 53767 -- Gene Fowler 53768% 53769Writing is turning one's worst moments into money. 53770 -- J.P. Donleavy 53771% 53772Writing software is more fun than working. 53773% 53774WRONG! 53775% 53776WYSIWYG: 53777 What You See Is What You Get. 53778% 53779X windows: 53780 Accept any substitute. 53781 If it's broke, don't fix it. 53782 If it ain't broke, fix it. 53783 Form follows malfunction. 53784 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence. 53785 The trailing edge of software technology. 53786 Armageddon never looked so good. 53787 Japan's secret weapon. 53788 You'll envy the dead. 53789 Making the world safe for competing window systems. 53790 Let it get in YOUR way. 53791 The problem for your problem. 53792 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto. 53793 It could be worse, but it'll take time. 53794 Simplicity made complex. 53795 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid. 53796 Flakey and built to stay that way. 53797 53798One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years. 53799 X windows. 53800% 53801X windows: 53802 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow. 53803 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1. 53804 Built to take on the world... and lose! 53805 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it. 53806 Power tools for Power Fools. 53807 Putting new limits on productivity. 53808 The closer you look, the cruftier we look. 53809 Design by counterexample. 53810 A new level of software disintegration. 53811 No hardware is safe. 53812 Do your time. 53813 Rationalization, not realization. 53814 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest. 53815 Gratuitous incompatibility. 53816 Your mother. 53817 THE user interference management system. 53818 You can't argue with failure. 53819 You haven't died 'til you've used it. 53820 53821The environment of today... tomorrow! 53822 X windows. 53823% 53824X windows: 53825 Something you can be ashamed of. 53826 30%% more entropy than the leading window system. 53827 The first fully modular software disaster. 53828 Rome was destroyed in a day. 53829 Warn your friends about it. 53830 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights. 53831 An accident that couldn't wait to happen. 53832 Don't wait for the movie. 53833 Never use it after a big meal. 53834 Need we say less? 53835 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence. 53836 It'll make your day. 53837 Don't get frustrated without it. 53838 Power tools for power losers. 53839 A software disaster of Biblical proportions. 53840 Never had it. Never will. 53841 The software with no visible means of support. 53842 More than just a generation behind. 53843 53844Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel. 53845 X windows. 53846% 53847X windows: 53848 The ultimate bottleneck. 53849 Flawed beyond belief. 53850 The only thing you have to fear. 53851 Somewhere between chaos and insanity. 53852 On autopilot to oblivion. 53853 The joke that kills. 53854 A disgrace you can be proud of. 53855 A mistake carried out to perfection. 53856 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set. 53857 To err is X windows. 53858 Ignorance is our most important resource. 53859 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems. 53860 Built to fall apart. 53861 Nullifying centuries of progress. 53862 Falling to new depths of inefficiency. 53863 The last thing you need. 53864 The defacto substandard. 53865 53866Elevating brain damage to an art form. 53867 X windows. 53868% 53869X windows: 53870 We will dump no core before its time. 53871 One good crash deserves another. 53872 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone. 53873 We make excuses. 53874 It didn't even look good on paper. 53875 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later! 53876 A new concept in abuser interfaces. 53877 How can something get so bad, so quickly? 53878 It could happen to you. 53879 The art of incompetence. 53880 You have nothing to lose but your lunch. 53881 When uselessness just isn't enough. 53882 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier! 53883 When you can't afford to be right. 53884 And you thought we couldn't make it worse. 53885 53886If it works, it isn't X windows. 53887% 53888X windows: 53889 You'd better sit down. 53890 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project. 53891 Why do it right when you can do it wrong? 53892 Live the nightmare. 53893 Our bugs run faster. 53894 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight. 53895 There ARE no rules. 53896 You'll wish we were kidding. 53897 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more. 53898 Dissatisfaction guaranteed. 53899 There's got to be a better way. 53900 The next best thing to keypunching. 53901 Leave the thrashing to us. 53902 We wrote the book on core dumps. 53903 Even your dog won't like it. 53904 More than enough rope. 53905 Garbage at your fingertips. 53906 53907Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness. 53908 X windows. 53909% 53910Xerox does it again and again and again and... 53911% 53912Xerox never comes up with anything original. 53913% 53914XEROX never does anything original. 53915% 53916XI: 53917 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would 53918 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty 53919 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all 53920 the managers would fly off. 53921XII: 53922 It costs a lot to build bad products. 53923XIII: 53924 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States. 53925 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to 53926 intermingle the two. 53927XIV: 53928 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will 53929 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent 53930 of every airplane's weight. 53931XV: 53932 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost 53933 and two-thirds of the problems. 53934 -- Norman Augustine 53935% 53936XLI: 53937 The more one produces, the less one gets. 53938XLII: 53939 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. 53940XLIII: 53941 Hardware works best when it matters the least. 53942XLIV: 53943 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly 53944 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the 53945 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics. 53946XLV: 53947 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the 53948 unexpected should have been expected. 53949XLVI: 53950 A billion saved is a billion earned. 53951 -- Norman Augustine 53952% 53953XLVII: 53954 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other 53955 third is covered with auditors from headquarters. 53956XLVIII: 53957 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the 53958 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about. 53959 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less 53960 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing. 53961XLIX: 53962 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds. 53963L: 53964 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a 53965 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times 53966 as long as the official's who created it. 53967LI: 53968 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more 53969 government workers than there are workers. 53970LII: 53971 People working in the private sector should try to save money. 53972 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again. 53973 -- Norman Augustine 53974% 53975X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing 53976they leave to the imagination is the plot. 53977% 53978XVI: 53979 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one 53980 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and 53981 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be 53982 made available to the Marines for the extra day. 53983XVII: 53984 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, 53985 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases. 53986XVIII: 53987 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon 53988 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of 53989 ten degradation accomplished. 53990XIX: 53991 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will 53992 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them. 53993XX: 53994 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding 53995 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the 53996 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax. 53997 -- Norman Augustine 53998% 53999XXI: 54000 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. 54001XXII: 54002 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, 54003 not selling advice. 54004XXIII: 54005 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is 54006 currently estimated. 54007XXIV: 54008 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an 54009 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most 54010 costly action known to man. 54011XXV: 54012 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete 54013 or a new canvas to an artist. 54014 -- Norman Augustine 54015% 54016XXVI: 54017 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each 54018 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. 54019XXVII: 54020 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. 54021XXVIII: 54022 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee. 54023XXIX: 54024 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their 54025 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results 54026 hang on about half a decade. 54027XXX: 54028 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers, 54029 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions. 54030 -- Norman Augustine 54031% 54032XXXI: 54033 The optimum committee has no members. 54034XXXII: 54035 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of 54036 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold. 54037XXXIII: 54038 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread. 54039XXXIV: 54040 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work 54041 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed 54042 randomly. 54043XXXV: 54044 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion, 54045 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give 54046 the data authenticity. 54047 -- Norman Augustine 54048% 54049XXXVI: 54050 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar 54051 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the 54052 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other 54053 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea. 54054XXXVII: 54055 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect. 54056 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much. 54057XXXVIII: 54058 The early bird gets the worm. 54059 The early worm ... gets eaten. 54060XXXIX: 54061 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of 54062 the year -- in either direction. 54063XL: 54064 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off. 54065 -- Norman Augustine 54066% 54067Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice! 54068% 54069Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have 54070goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in 54071their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating 54072unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my 54073doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. 54074 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" 54075% 54076Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some 54077rays and became a tangent ? 54078% 54079Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id. 54080 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 54081% 54082Yea from the table of my memory 54083I'll wipe away all trivial fond records. 54084 -- Hamlet 54085% 54086Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death. 54087% 54088Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like 54089a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it. 54090% 54091Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, 54092the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm 54093a private eye. 54094 -- Calvin 54095% 54096Yeah, there are more important things in life than money, 54097but they won't go out with you if you don't have any. 54098% 54099YEAR: 54100 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 54101% 54102Year Name James Bond Book 54103---- -------------------------------- -------------- ---- 5410450's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson 541051962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958 541061963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957 541071964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959 541081965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961 541091967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954 541101967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964 541111969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963 541121971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956 541131973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955 541141974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965 541151977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette) 541161979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955 541171981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) 541181983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965 541191983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery 541201985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) 541211987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette) 54122 * -- Not a Broccoli production. 54123% 54124Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. 54125% 54126Yes, but which self do you want to be? 54127% 54128Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those 54129L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l. 54130 -- Rita Rudner 54131% 54132Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me. 54133And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy. 54134Just different ways to kill the pain the same. 54135But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, 54136Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy. 54137I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane. 54138 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock) 54139% 54140Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left 54141the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware. 54142 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" 54143% 54144Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in 54145that order. 54146 -- Jeffrey Honig 54147% 54148Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. 54149Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. 54150Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. 54151 -- Snoopy 54152% 54153Yesterday upon the stair 54154I met a man who wasn't there. 54155He wasn't there again today -- 54156I think he's from the CIA. 54157% 54158Yesterday upon the stair 54159I met a man who wasn't there. 54160He wasn't there again today. 54161I think he's from the CIA. 54162% 54163Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most 54164astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God 54165I'm not respectable. 54166 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd 54167% 54168Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty 54169feet. 54170 -- John Cheever 54171% 54172Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. 54173% 54174YINKEL: 54175 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, 54176 hoping no one will notice. 54177 -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends 54178% 54179You ain't learning nothing when you're talking. 54180% 54181You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty 54182spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb. 54183% 54184You are a bundle of energy, always on the go. 54185% 54186You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here. 54187% 54188You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in 54189use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and 54190the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the 54191moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?" 54192% 54193You are a wish to be here wishing yourself. 54194 -- Philip Whalen 54195% 54196You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind. 54197 -- Sherlock Holmes 54198% 54199You are always busy. 54200% 54201You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. 54202% 54203You are an insult to my intelligence! 54204I demand that you log off immediately. 54205% 54206You are as I am with You. 54207% 54208You are capable of planning your future. 54209% 54210You are confused; but this is your normal state. 54211% 54212You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances. 54213% 54214You are destined to become the commandant of the 54215fighting men of the department of transportation. 54216% 54217You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend. 54218% 54219You are fairminded, just and loving. 54220% 54221You are false data. 54222% 54223You are farsighted, a good planner, 54224an ardent lover, and a faithful friend. 54225% 54226You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way. 54227% 54228You are going to have a new love affair. 54229% 54230You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike. 54231% 54232You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different. 54233% 54234You are in the hall of the mountain king. 54235% 54236You are lost in the Swamps of Despair. 54237% 54238You are loved by the multitudes. 54239Have you been to the clinic lately? 54240% 54241You are magnetic in your bearing. 54242% 54243You are never given a wish without also being given the 54244power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however. 54245 -- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for 54246 the Advanced Soul" 54247% 54248You are not a fool just because you have done 54249something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you. 54250% 54251You are not dead yet. 54252But watch for further reports. 54253% 54254You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing 54255forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are 54256avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day. 54257 -- Ambrose Bierce 54258% 54259You are now in Atlanta, Georgia. 54260Please set your clocks back 200 years. 54261% 54262You are number 6! Who is number one? 54263% 54264"You are old, father William," the young man said, 54265 "And your hair has become very white; 54266And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- 54267 Do you think, at your age, it is right?" 54268 54269"In my youth," father William replied to his son, 54270 "I feared it might injure the brain; 54271But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, 54272 Why, I do it again and again." 54273 54274"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 54275 And have grown most uncommonly fat; 54276Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- 54277 Pray what is the reason of that?" 54278 54279"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, 54280 "I kept all my limbs very supple 54281By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- 54282 Allow me to sell you a couple?" 54283% 54284"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak 54285 For anything tougher than suet; 54286Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- 54287 Pray, how did you manage to do it?" 54288 54289"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, 54290 And argued each case with my wife; 54291And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, 54292 Has lasted the rest of my life." 54293 54294"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose 54295 That your eye was as steady as ever; 54296Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- 54297 What made you so awfully clever?" 54298 54299"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," 54300 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! 54301Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 54302 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" 54303% 54304You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 54305% 54306You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. 54307Therefore you have few friends. 54308% 54309You are sick, twisted and perverted. 54310I like that in a person. 54311% 54312You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep. 54313% 54314"You are *so* lovely." 54315"Yes." 54316"Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess." 54317% 54318You are standing on my toes. 54319% 54320You are taking yourself far too seriously. 54321% 54322You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who 54323points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get 54324attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra 54325chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a 54326gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a 54327rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy 54328trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a 54329vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyranosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch 54330long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is 54331dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your 54332head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves 54333are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to 54334transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem 54335to have gotten yourself killed, as well. 54336 54337You scored 0 out of 250 possible points. 54338That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer. 54339To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points. 54340% 54341You are wise, witty, and wonderful, 54342but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. 54343% 54344You ask what a nice girl will do? 54345She won't give an inch, but she won't say no. 54346 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis 54347% 54348You attempt things that you do not even plan 54349because of your extreme stupidity. 54350% 54351You auto buy now. 54352% 54353"You boys lookin' for trouble?" 54354"Sure. Whaddya got?" 54355 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones" 54356% 54357You buttered your bread, now lie in it! 54358% 54359You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the 54360peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the 54361municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior 54362courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state 54363supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge 54364reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat 54365between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less 54366than a twenty-dollar bill. 54367 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik 54368% 54369You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove. 54370 -- Tim Leary 54371% 54372You can always tell luck from ability by its duration. 54373% 54374You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier. 54375They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs. 54376% 54377You can be replaced by this computer. 54378% 54379You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault. 54380 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould 54381% 54382You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 54383doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. 54384 -- Hepler, CS, University of Washington 54385% 54386You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 54387doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. 54388 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 54389% 54390You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you 54391know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... 54392they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment 54393they cross the mountains into California, they go insane. 54394 -- Quentin Genter 54395% 54396You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long. 54397 -- Boris Yeltsin 54398% 54399You can cage a swallow, can't you, 54400 but you can't swallow a cage, can you? 54401Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, 54402 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl. 54403A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama! 54404 -- The Palindromist 54405% 54406You can create your own opportunities this week. 54407Blackmail a senior executive. 54408% 54409You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow. 54410 -- Janis Joplin 54411% 54412You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 54413Why do you find that funny? 54414 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350 54415% 54416You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 54417Why do you find that funny? 54418 -- D. Taylor, CS, University of Washington 54419% 54420You can do very well in speculation where 54421land or anything to do with dirt is concerned. 54422% 54423You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead. 54424% 54425You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right 54426and the budget is big enough. 54427 -- Joseph E. Levine 54428% 54429You can fool some of the people all of the time and all 54430of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom. 54431% 54432You can fool some of the people all of the time, 54433and all of the people some of the time, 54434but you can make a fool of yourself anytime. 54435% 54436You can fool some of the people some of the time, 54437and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient. 54438% 54439You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough. 54440% 54441You can get everything in life you want, 54442if you will help enough other people get what they want. 54443% 54444You can get much further with a kind word and a 54445gun than you can with a kind word alone. 54446 -- Al Capone 54447 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.] 54448% 54449You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to? 54450% 54451You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 54452% 54453You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend, 54454You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end. 54455 54456(chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day, 54457 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way. 54458 54459You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park, 54460You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark. 54461(chorus) 54462 54463You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt, 54464You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't. 54465(chorus) 54466% 54467You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But 54468if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing 54469your dog. 54470 -- foolin' around 54471% 54472You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. 54473Don't ever count on having both at once. 54474 -- Lazarus Long 54475% 54476You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy. 54477 -- Joe Valachi 54478% 54479You can lead a horse to water, but if you can 54480get him to float on his back, you've got something. 54481% 54482You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, 54483for instance. 54484 -- Franklin P. Jones 54485% 54486You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular. 54487% 54488You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. 54489% 54490You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting 54491his attitude on the continuing vitality of FORTRAN. 54492% 54493You can move the world with an idea, 54494but you have to think of it first. 54495% 54496You can never do just one thing. 54497 -- Hardin 54498% 54499You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. 54500% 54501You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you. 54502% 54503You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. 54504 -- Jeannette Rankin 54505% 54506You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat. 54507 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics 54508 54509What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth. 54510 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics 54511 54512You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing. 54513 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics 54514% 54515You can now buy more gates with less 54516specifications than at any other time in history. 54517 -- Kenneth Parker 54518% 54519You can observe a lot just by watching. 54520 -- Yogi Berra 54521% 54522You can rent this space for only $5 a week. 54523% 54524You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding 54525decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left 54526over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. 54527 -- F. Allen 54528% 54529You can tell how far we have to go, 54530when Fortran is the language of supercomputers. 54531 -- Steven Feiner 54532% 54533You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. 54534 -- Norman Douglas 54535% 54536You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. 54537 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington 54538% 54539You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; 54540I've got to have thirty minutes! 54541% 54542You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. 54543% 54544You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you. 54545But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew. 54546 -- Nathalia Crane 54547% 54548You cannot have a science without measurement. 54549 -- R. W. Hamming 54550% 54551You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. 54552% 54553You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. 54554% 54555You cannot see the wood for the trees. 54556 -- John Heywood 54557% 54558You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. 54559 -- Indira Gandhi 54560% 54561You cannot use your friends and have them too. 54562% 54563You can't break eggs without making an omelet. 54564% 54565You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. 54566% 54567You can't cheat an honest man, never give 54568a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump. 54569 -- W.C. Fields 54570% 54571You can't cheat the phone company. 54572% 54573You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps. 54574% 54575You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up. 54576 -- Richard Nixon, 1952 54577% 54578You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up. 54579 -- Peter Frampton 54580% 54581You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school. 54582 -- H.H. Munro 54583% 54584"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time", 54585Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978 54586she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have 54587children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either. 54588 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage" 54589% 54590You can't fall off the floor. 54591% 54592You can't get there from here. 54593% 54594You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. 54595% 54596You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 54597 -- Steven Wright 54598% 54599You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too. 54600 -- Ayn Rand 54601% 54602You can't hug a child with nuclear arms. 54603% 54604You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. 54605% 54606You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly -- 54607only sooner than she thought you would. 54608% 54609You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle 54610is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency. 54611 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" 54612% 54613You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane. 54614% 54615You can't play your friends like marks, kid. 54616 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting" 54617% 54618You can't push on a string. 54619% 54620You can't run away forever, 54621But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start. 54622 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through" 54623% 54624You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a 54625new way. 54626 -- Will Rogers 54627% 54628You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. 54629You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now. 54630 -- Lauren Bacall 54631% 54632You can't take damsel here now. 54633% 54634You can't take it with you -- 54635especially when crossing a state line. 54636% 54637You can't teach people to be lazy -- 54638either they have it, or they don't. 54639 -- Dagwood Bumstead 54640% 54641You can't underestimate the power of fear. 54642 -- Tricia Nixon Cox 54643% 54644You climb to reach the summit, but once 54645there, discover that all roads lead down. 54646 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad" 54647% 54648You could get a new lease on life -- if only you 54649didn't need the first and last month in advance. 54650% 54651You could live a better life, if you 54652had a better mind and a better body. 54653% 54654You couldn't even prove the White House 54655staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. 54656 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict 54657% 54658You definitely intend to start living sometime soon. 54659% 54660You dialed 5483. 54661% 54662You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. 54663% 54664You do not have mail. 54665% 54666You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one. 54667% 54668You don't have to be nice to people on the way up 54669if you're not planning on coming back down. 54670 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie" 54671% 54672You don't have to explain something you never said. 54673 -- Calvin Coolidge 54674% 54675You don't have to know how the computer 54676works, just how to work the computer. 54677% 54678You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. 54679 -- J.D. Salinger 54680% 54681You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina. 54682 -- Guindon 54683% 54684You don't sew with a fork, so I see no 54685reason to eat with knitting needles. 54686 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food 54687% 54688You enjoy the company of other people. 54689% 54690You feel a whole lot more like you do 54691now than you did when you used to. 54692% 54693You fill a much-needed gap. 54694% 54695You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple, 54696what might you have done for a truffled turkey? 54697 -- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout" 54698% 54699You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for 54700an apple, what might you not have done for a truffled turkey? 54701 -- Brillat-Savarin 54702% 54703You get along very well with everyone except animals and people. 54704% 54705You get what you pay for. 54706 -- Gabriel Biel 54707% 54708You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me 54709from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness. 54710 -- Goethe 54711% 54712You go down to the pickup station, 54713 craving warmth and beauty; 54714You settle for less than fascination -- 54715 a few drinks later you're not so choosy. 54716And the closing lights strip off the shadows 54717 on this strange new flesh you've found -- 54718Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf 54719 you hurry to the blackness 54720 and the blankets to lay down an impression 54721 and your loneliness. 54722 -- Joni Mitchell 54723% 54724You got to be very careful if you don't know 54725where you're going, because you might not get there. 54726 -- Yogi Berra 54727% 54728You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues, 54729And you know it don't come easy ... 54730I don't ask for much, I only want trust, 54731And you know it don't come easy ... 54732% 54733You guys have been practicing discrimination for years. 54734Now it's our turn. 54735 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas 54736% 54737You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! 54738% 54739You had mail. 54740Paul read it, so ask him what it said. 54741% 54742You had some happiness once, 54743but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind. 54744% 54745You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music. 54746% 54747You have a deep interest in all that is artistic. 54748% 54749You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister). 54750% 54751You have a message from the operator. 54752% 54753You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. 54754A pity that it's totally undeserved. 54755% 54756You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex. 54757% 54758You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex. 54759% 54760You have a strong desire for a home 54761and your family interests come first. 54762% 54763You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. 54764% 54765You have a truly strong individuality. 54766% 54767You have a will that can be influenced 54768by all with whom you come in contact. 54769% 54770You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead. 54771 -- Lois Platford 54772% 54773You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: 54774a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner. 54775 -- Aristophanes 54776% 54777You have an ability to sense and know higher truth. 54778% 54779You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. 54780% 54781You have an unusual equipment for success. 54782Be sure to use it properly. 54783% 54784You have an unusual understanding of 54785the problems of human relationships. 54786% 54787You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive. 54788 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" 54789% 54790You have been selected for a secret mission. 54791% 54792You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy. 54793% 54794You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. 54795% 54796You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop. 54797% 54798You have mail. 54799% 54800You have many friends and very few living enemies. 54801% 54802You have no real enemies. 54803% 54804You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. 54805 -- John Viscount Morley 54806% 54807You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married 54808and few words in your sleep to get divorced. 54809% 54810You have taken yourself too seriously. 54811% 54812You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. 54813You'll learn a lot today. 54814% 54815You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact. 54816% 54817You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. 54818If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster. 54819 -- Lewis Carroll 54820% 54821You humans are all alike. 54822% 54823You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me 54824at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very 54825simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..." 54826% 54827You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up! 54828 -- Dylan Thomas 54829% 54830You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke? 54831 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus 54832% 54833You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred. 54834 -- Superchicken 54835% 54836You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if 54837you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is, 54838and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to... 54839% 54840You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it. 54841 -- Maharbal 54842% 54843You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower, 54844start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm. 54845 -- Dean Webber 54846% 54847You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday. 54848 -- Garfield 54849% 54850You know my heart keeps tellin' me, 54851You're not a kid at thirty-three, 54852You play around you lose your wife, 54853You play too long, you lose your life. 54854Some gotta win, some gotta lose, 54855Goodtime Charlie's got the blues. 54856% 54857You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, 54858are now extinct. 54859 -- M. Somerset Maugham 54860% 54861You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you 54862almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself? I feel 54863like that all the time. 54864 -- Stephen Wright 54865% 54866You know, the difference between this company and 54867the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers. 54868% 54869You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends 54870on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that. 54871 -- Richard Nixon 54872% 54873You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat 54874and I had my hands about it. 54875 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen" 54876% 54877You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language 54878is revenge. 54879 -- Peter Beard 54880% 54881You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the 54882next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see 54883him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to 54884meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!" 54885 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos" 54886%% 54887I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two 54888highly trained certified public accountants. 54889 -- Elvis Presley 54890% 54891You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit. 54892 -- E.A. Gilliam 54893% 54894You know your apartment is small... 54895 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time. 54896 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window. 54897 you have to go outside to change your mind. 54898 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet. 54899% 54900You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your 54901daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her 54902mother is allowed to take. 54903% 54904You know you're in a small town when... 54905 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going. 54906 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local 54907 merchants because you're the first baby of the year. 54908 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't. 54909 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail. 54910 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway. 54911 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway. 54912% 54913You know you're in trouble when... 549141) You wake up face down on the pavement. 549152) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache. 549163) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes 54917 out of the city. 549184) Your twin sister forgot your birthday. 549195) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then 54920 remember that you don't have a waterbed. 549216) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate. 54922% 54923You know you're in trouble when... 549241) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you 54925 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. 549262) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party 54927 and there aren't any. 549283) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. 549294) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. 549305) You wake up and your braces are locked together. 549316) Your mother approves of the person you're dating. 54932% 54933You know you're in trouble when... 54934(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind 54935 her own business. 54936(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. 54937(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. 54938(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office. 54939(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 54940(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to 54941 flush a grapefruit down the toilet. 54942(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box. 54943% 54944You know you're in trouble when... 54945(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your 54946 skirt is caught in your pantyhose. 54947(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. 54948(3) Your income tax check bounces. 54949(4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye. 54950(5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George. 54951(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day 54952 after you bought a waterbed. 54953(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk 54954 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party 54955 for your spouse. 54956% 54957You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long 54958when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to 54959make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie 54960chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one. 54961% 54962You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. 54963% 54964You learn to write as if to someone else 54965because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE". 54966% 54967You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances. 54968% 54969You lived with a man who wore white belts? 54970Laura, I'm disappointed in you. 54971 -- Remington Steele 54972% 54973You look tired. 54974% 54975You love peace. 54976% 54977You love your home and want it to be beautiful. 54978% 54979You may already be a loser. 54980 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield. 54981% 54982You may be gone tomorrow, but that 54983doesn't mean that you weren't here today. 54984% 54985You may be infinitely smaller than some things, 54986but you're infinitely larger than others. 54987% 54988You may be recognized soon. Hide. 54989% 54990You may be right, I may be crazy, 54991But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for? 54992 -- Billy Joel 54993% 54994You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card 54995That a young man married is a young man marred. 54996 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys" 54997% 54998You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it! 54999% 55000You may have heard that a dean is 55001to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. 55002 -- Alfred Kahn 55003% 55004You may my glories and my state dispose, 55005But not my griefs; still am I king of those. 55006 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 55007% 55008You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but 55009you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost. 55010% 55011You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will 55012be sold. 55013% 55014You mean you didn't *know* she was off 55015making lots of little phone companies? 55016% 55017You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the 55018obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and 55019an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you. 55020 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder" 55021% 55022You might have mail. 55023% 55024You must dine in our cafeteria. 55025You can eat dirt cheap there!!!! 55026% 55027You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property 55028and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods) 55029and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from 55030bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent 55031paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.), 55032cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services, 55033gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to 55034prosecution for perjury and fraud. 55035 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms 55036% 55037You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty 55038to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties 55039are merely deputies of that one. 55040 -- Nero Wolfe 55041% 55042You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable 55043proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. 55044% 55045You need more time; and you probably always will. 55046% 55047You need no longer worry about the future. 55048This time tomorrow you'll be dead. 55049% 55050You need not worry about your future. 55051% 55052You never gain something but that you lose something. 55053 -- Thoreau 55054% 55055You never get a second chance to make a first impression. 55056% 55057You never go anywhere without your soul. 55058% 55059You never have to change anything you 55060got up in the middle of the night to write. 55061 -- Saul Bellow 55062% 55063You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will 55064tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching 55065these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show 55066advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, 55067even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants 55068Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better 55069get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's 55070antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies 55071until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the 55072right gift. 55073 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 55074% 55075You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. 55076% 55077You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough. 55078 -- William Blake 55079% 55080You never learned anything by doing it right. 55081% 55082You never realize how many friends you 55083have until you rent a house at the beach. 55084% 55085You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone 55086got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they 55087"experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented" 55088with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these 55089guys were getting stoned! 55090 -- Johnny Carson 55091% 55092You now have Asian Flu. 55093% 55094You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat. 55095% 55096You plan things that you do not even 55097attempt because of your extreme caution. 55098% 55099You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. 55100% 55101You prefer the company of the opposite 55102sex, but are well liked by your own. 55103% 55104You probably wouldn't worry about what people 55105think of you if you could know how seldom they do. 55106 -- Olin Miller 55107% 55108You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite. 55109% 55110You roll my log, and I will roll yours. 55111 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 55112% 55113You say potatoe, 55114And I say potato. 55115You say tomatoe, 55116And I say tomato. 55117Potatoe, potato, 55118Tomatoe, tomato. 55119Let's go be the Vice President... 55120% 55121You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours. 55122% 55123You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty 55124attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool 55125takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge 55126which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with 55127alot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it. 55128Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his 55129brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing 55130his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect 55131order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and 55132can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every 55133addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of 55134the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out 55135the useful ones. 55136 -- Sherlock Holmes 55137% 55138You see things; and you say "Why?" 55139But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?" 55140 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah" 55141 [No, it wasn't J.F. Kennedy. Ed.] 55142% 55143You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull 55144his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you 55145understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send 55146signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that 55147there is no cat. 55148 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio 55149% 55150You seek to shield those you love 55151and you like the role of the provider. 55152% 55153You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed. 55154% 55155You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends. 55156 -- Joseph Conrad 55157% 55158You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think. 55159% 55160You should go home. 55161% 55162You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except 55163incest and folk-dancing. 55164 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth" 55165% 55166You should never bet against anything in science at 55167odds of more than about ten to the twelfth to one. 55168 -- E. Rutherford 55169% 55170You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team, 55171because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat! 55172 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip 55173% 55174You should never wear your best trousers 55175when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. 55176 -- Henrik Ibsen 55177% 55178You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh. 55179 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children" 55180% 55181You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put 55182your feet in it and swish them around a little. 55183 -- Guindon 55184% 55185You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess. 55186% 55187You teach best what you most need to learn. 55188% 55189YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING! 55190 55191Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be 55192a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really 55193important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." 55194 55195Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward 55196to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and 55197make really big Zorkmids." 55198 55199MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when 55200you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. 55201 55202 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! 55203% 55204You tread upon my patience. 55205 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 55206% 55207You two ought to be more careful-- 55208your love could drag on for years and years. 55209% 55210You want to know why I kept getting promoted? 55211Because my mouth knows more than my brain. 55212 -- W.G. 55213% 55214You will always find something in the last place you look. 55215% 55216You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. 55217% 55218You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. 55219% 55220You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. 55221% 55222You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. 55223% 55224You will be advanced socially, 55225without any special effort on your part. 55226% 55227You will be aided greatly by a person 55228whom you thought to be unimportant. 55229% 55230You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service. 55231% 55232You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone. 55233% 55234You will be awarded some great honor. 55235% 55236You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously. 55237% 55238You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble. 55239% 55240You will be dead within a year. 55241% 55242You will be divorced within a year. 55243% 55244You will be given a post of trust and responsibility. 55245% 55246You will be held hostage by a radical group. 55247% 55248You will be honored for contributing 55249your time and skill to a worthy cause. 55250% 55251You will be imprisoned for contributing 55252your time and skill to a bank robbery. 55253% 55254You will be married within a year. 55255% 55256You will be married within a year, and divorced within two. 55257% 55258You will be misunderstood by everyone. 55259% 55260You will be recognized and honored as a community leader. 55261% 55262You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier. 55263% 55264You will be run over by a beer truck. 55265% 55266You will be run over by a bus. 55267% 55268You will be singled out for promotion in your work. 55269% 55270You will be successful in love. 55271% 55272You will be surprised by a loud noise. 55273% 55274You will be surrounded by luxury. 55275% 55276You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler. 55277% 55278You will be the victim of a bizarre joke. 55279% 55280You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. 55281% 55282You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. 55283% 55284You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery. 55285% 55286You will become rich and famous unless you don't. 55287% 55288You will contract a rare disease. 55289% 55290You will engage in a profitable business activity. 55291% 55292You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass. 55293% 55294You will feel hungry again in another hour. 55295% 55296You will find me drinking gin 55297In the lowest kind of inn, 55298Because I am a rigid Vegetarian. 55299 -- G.K. Chesterton 55300% 55301You will forget that you ever knew me. 55302% 55303You will gain money by a fattening action. 55304% 55305You will gain money by a speculation or lottery. 55306% 55307You will gain money by an illegal action. 55308% 55309You will gain money by an immoral action. 55310% 55311You will get what you deserve. 55312% 55313You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford. 55314% 55315You will have a head crash on your private pack. 55316% 55317You will have a long and boring life. 55318% 55319You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor. 55320% 55321You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends. 55322% 55323You will have good luck and overcome many hardships. 55324% 55325You will have long and healthy life. 55326% 55327You will have many recoverable tape errors. 55328% 55329You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you. 55330% 55331You will inherit millions of dollars. 55332% 55333You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. 55334% 55335You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money. 55336% 55337You will live to see your grandchildren. 55338% 55339You will lose an important disk file. 55340% 55341You will lose an important tape file. 55342% 55343You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally. 55344% 55345You will never amount to much. 55346 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10 55347% 55348You will never know hunger. 55349% 55350You will not be elected to public office this year. 55351% 55352You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears. 55353% 55354You will outgrow your usefulness. 55355% 55356You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates. 55357% 55358You will pass away very quickly. 55359% 55360You will pay for your sins. 55361If you have already paid, please disregard this message. 55362% 55363You will pioneer the first Martian colony. 55364% 55365You will probably marry after a very brief courtship. 55366% 55367You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession. 55368% 55369You will receive a legacy which will place you above want. 55370% 55371You will remember something that you should not have forgotten. 55372% 55373You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family 55374was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into 55375the butter upon a hot day. 55376 -- Sherlock Holmes 55377% 55378You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty 55379family was first brought to my notice by the |depth which the parsley 55380had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. 55381 -- Sherlock Holmes 55382% 55383You will soon forget this. 55384% 55385You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life. 55386% 55387You will step on the night soil of many countries. 55388% 55389You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, 55390but only because your brakes are defective. 55391% 55392You will triumph over your enemy. 55393% 55394You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon. 55395% 55396You will win success in whatever calling you adopt. 55397% 55398You will wish you hadn't. 55399% 55400You won't skid if you stay in a rut. 55401 -- Frank Hubbard 55402% 55403You work very hard. Don't try to think as well. 55404% 55405You worry too much about your job. 55406Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. 55407% 55408"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems 55409of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. 55410Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. 55411Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important, 55412give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less 55413momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen 55414yourself in this way." 55415 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman" 55416% 55417You would if you could but you can't so you won't. 55418% 55419You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't 55420be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway. 55421 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell 55422% 55423You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control. 55424 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)" 55425% 55426You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow. 55427% 55428You'll always be, 55429What you always were, 55430Which has nothing to do with, 55431All to do, with her. 55432 -- Company 55433% 55434You'll be called to a post requiring 55435ability in handling groups of people. 55436% 55437You'll be sorry... 55438% 55439You'll feel devilish tonight. 55440Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel. 55441% 55442You'll feel much better once you've given up hope. 55443% 55444You'll never be the man your mother was! 55445% 55446You'll never see all the places, or read all the 55447books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended. 55448% 55449You'll wish that you had done some of the 55450hard things when they were easier to do. 55451% 55452Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for 55453counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the 55454experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth 55455them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin 55456of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might 55457have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of 55458actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly 55459to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few 55460principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate, 55461which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will 55462not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop 55463nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little, 55464repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but 55465content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to 55466compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct 55467the defects of both. 55468 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age" 55469% 55470Young men, hear an old man to whom 55471old men hearkened when he was young. 55472 -- Augustus Caesar 55473% 55474Young men think old men are fools; 55475but old men know young men are fools. 55476 -- George Chapman 55477% 55478Your aim is high and to the right. 55479% 55480Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. 55481% 55482Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. 55483Don't believe a thing he tells you. 55484% 55485Your best consolation is the hope that the things 55486you failed to get weren't really worth having. 55487% 55488Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong. 55489% 55490Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. 55491% 55492Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers. 55493% 55494Your business will assume vast proportions. 55495% 55496Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion. 55497% 55498Your code should be more efficient! 55499% 55500Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize. 55501% 55502Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother. 55503% 55504Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts 55505 ...Here's How You Can Tell 55506Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you 55507can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They 55508listed 10 signs to watch for: 55509 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand 55510 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell 55511 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger. 55512 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction 55513 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger. 55514 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't 55515 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends." 55516 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain 55517 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when 55518 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. 55519The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not 55520all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien. 55521 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984. 55522 55523 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.] 55524% 55525Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways. 55526% 55527Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, 55528dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being 55529attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last 55530minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the 55531Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the 55532medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 5553325 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in 55534seconds if we felt like it. 55535 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead" 55536% 55537Your domestic life may be harmonious. 55538% 55539Your education begins where what is called your education is over. 55540% 55541Your fault - core dumped 55542% 55543Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket. 55544EOF 55545% 55546Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now). 55547% 55548YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 55549 by Miss Fortune 55550 55551AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) 55552 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what 55553type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer! 55554Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in 55555California Hoalloween is redundant anyhow. 55556 55557PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20) 55558 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are 55559fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your 55560bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when 55561other discover your good qualities without your help. 55562% 55563YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 55564 by Miss Fortune 55565 55566ARIES (March 21 - April 19) 55567 Matters are not good, where you health is concerned. This Fall, be 55568sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly" 55569and you will live all the days of your life. 55570 55571TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) 55572 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself 55573in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite 55574brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply 55575miss two car payments. 55576 55577GEMINI (May 21 - June 21) 55578 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in 55579common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand 55580at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens. 55581Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until 55582you meet in court. 55583% 55584YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 55585 by Miss Fortune 55586 55587CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22) 55588 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel 55589you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get 55590in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going 55591to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing? 55592 55593LEO (July 23 - August 22) 55594 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh 55595heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have 55596in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to 55597shop. 55598 55599VIRGO (August 23 - September 22) 55600 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are 55601affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job 55602is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a 55603career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more 55604than people who work standing up. 55605% 55606Your friends will know you better in the first minute you 55607meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years. 55608 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 55609% 55610Your goose is cooked. 55611(Your current chick is burned up too!) 55612% 55613Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life. 55614% 55615Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. 55616% 55617Your ignorance cramps my conversation. 55618% 55619Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. 55620% 55621Your love life will be happy and harmonious. 55622% 55623Your love life will be... interesting. 55624% 55625Your lover will never wish to leave you. 55626% 55627Your lucky color has faded. 55628% 55629Your lucky number has been disconnected. 55630% 55631Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. 55632Watch for it everywhere. 55633% 55634Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not 55635original and the part that is original is not good. 55636 -- Samuel Johnson 55637% 55638Your mind is the part of you that says, 55639 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?" 55640... and then, twenty minutes later, says, 55641 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!" 55642 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine 55643% 55644Your mind understands what you have been 55645taught; your heart, what is true. 55646% 55647Your mode of life will be changed for 55648the better because of good news soon. 55649% 55650Your mode of life will be changed for 55651the better because of new developments. 55652% 55653Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII. 55654% 55655Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC. 55656% 55657Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder 55658Face like ice, a little bit colder 55659She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules 55660You learned in school" 55661But I don't really see 55662Why can't we go on as three? 55663 -- David Crosby, "Triad" 55664% 55665Your motives for doing whatever good deed you 55666may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody. 55667% 55668Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it. 55669% 55670Your object is to save the world, 55671while still leading a pleasant life. 55672% 55673Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being 55674true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the 55675mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound. 55676Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What 55677are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers 55678change. 55679 -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul 55680% 55681Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world. 55682% 55683Your password is pitifully obvious. 55684% 55685Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus. 55686% 55687Your present plans will be successful. 55688% 55689Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory. 55690% 55691Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner. 55692% 55693Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You 55694need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion 55695picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use 55696the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified 55697success. 55698 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 55699% 55700Your sister swims out to meet troop ships. 55701% 55702Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement. 55703% 55704Your step will soil many countries. 55705% 55706Your supervisor is thinking about you. 55707% 55708Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. 55709% 55710Your temporary financial embarrassment will 55711be relieved in a surprising manner. 55712% 55713Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. 55714% 55715Your wig steers the gig. 55716 -- Lord Buckley 55717% 55718Your wise men don't know how it feels 55719To be thick as a brick. 55720 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick" 55721% 55722Your worship is your furnaces 55723which, like old idols, lost obscenes, 55724have molten bowels; your vision is 55725machines for making more machines. 55726 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874 55727% 55728You're a card which will have to be dealt with. 55729% 55730You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. 55731 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler 55732 55733Ah, yes. I remember my first beer. 55734 -- Steve Martin to a heckler 55735 55736When your IQ rises to 28, sell. 55737 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler 55738% 55739You're all clear now, kid. 55740Now blow this thing so we can all go home. 55741 -- Han Solo 55742% 55743You're almost as happy as you think you are. 55744% 55745You're already carrying the sphere! 55746% 55747You're always thinking you're gonna be 55748the one that makes 'em act different. 55749 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan" 55750% 55751You're at the end of the road again. 55752% 55753You're at Witt's End. 55754% 55755You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. 55756% 55757You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life." 55758% 55759You're definitely on their list. 55760The question to ask next is what list it is. 55761% 55762You're either part of the solution or part of the problem. 55763 -- Eldridge Cleaver 55764% 55765You're growing out of some of your problems, 55766but there are others that you're growing into. 55767% 55768"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little... 55769except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus." 55770 -- Swamp Thing 55771% 55772You're never too old to become younger. 55773 -- Mae West 55774% 55775You're not Dave. Who are you? 55776% 55777You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 55778 -- Dean Martin 55779% 55780You're reasoning is excellent -- it's 55781only your basic assumptions that are wrong. 55782% 55783You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. 55784% 55785You're using a keyboard! How quaint! 55786% 55787You're working under a slight handicap. 55788You happen to be human. 55789% 55790Yours is not to reason why, 55791Just to Sail Away. 55792And when you find you have to throw 55793Your Legacy away; 55794Remember life as was it is, 55795And is as it were; 55796Chasing sounds across the galaxy 55797'Till silence is but a blur. 55798 -- QYX. 55799% 55800Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it. 55801% 55802Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of 55803courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease. 55804 -- Robert F. Kennedy 55805% 55806Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it. 55807% 55808Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret. 55809 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby" 55810% 55811Youth is a disease from which we all recover. 55812 -- Dorothy Fuldheim 55813% 55814Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. 55815 -- George Bernard Shaw 55816% 55817Youth is the trustee of posterity. 55818% 55819Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is 55820when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. 55821% 55822You've always made the mistake of being yourself. 55823 -- Eugene Ionesco 55824% 55825You've been Berkeley'ed! 55826% 55827You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. 55828% 55829You've been telling me to relax all the way here, 55830and now you're telling me just to be myself? 55831 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven 55832% 55833You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas. 55834% 55835"Yow! Am I having fun yet?" 55836 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55837% 55838"Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?" 55839 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55840% 55841"Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!" 55842 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55843% 55844"Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?" 55845 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55846% 55847"Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet? Is it, huh, is it?" 55848 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55849% 55850"Yow!! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!" 55851 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55852% 55853"Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did 55854to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!" 55855 -- Zippy the Pinhead 55856% 55857YO-YO: 55858 Something that is occasionally up but normally down. 55859 (see also Computer). 55860% 55861Zall's Laws: 55862 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do 55863 will be wrong. 55864 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom 55865 door you're on. 55866% 55867zeal, n: 55868 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick. 55869% 55870ZERO DEFECTS: 55871 The result of shutting down a production line. 55872% 55873Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it! 55874 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers" 55875% 55876Zeus gave Leda the bird. 55877% 55878Zisla's Law: 55879 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. 55880% 55881Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words 55882since I first called my brother's father dad. 55883 -- William Shakespeare, "Kind John" 55884% 55885Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: 55886 People are always available for work in the past tense. 55887% 55888