1!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH 2% 3!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH 4% 5(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. 6(2) Great generals are forewarned. 7(3) Forewarned is forearmed. 8(4) Four is an even number. 9(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 10(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 11 12Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. 13% 14(1) Everything depends. 15(2) Nothing is always. 16(3) Everything is sometimes. 17% 181.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's 19the law! 20% 2110.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 22% 23100 buckets of bits on the bus 24100 buckets of bits 25Take one down, short it to ground 26FF buckets of bits on the bus 27 28FF buckets of bits on the bus 29FF buckets of bits 30Take one down, short it to ground 31FE buckets of bits on the bus 32 33ad infinitum... 34% 35$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at 36which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. 37 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 38% 39101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR 40 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes 41 (2) Dead cat brush 42 (3) Hair barrettes 43 (4) Cleats 44 (5) Self-piercing earrings 45 (6) Fungus trellis 46 (7) False eyelashes 47 (8) Prosthetic dog claws 48 . 49 . 50 . 51 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) 52 (100) Killer velcro 53 (101) Currency 54% 55186,282 miles per second: 56 57It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! 58% 592180, U.S. History question: 60 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what 61office did he later hold? 62% 63$3,000,000 64% 65"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible 66simulation!" 67% 6843rd Law of Computing: 69 Anything that can go wr 70fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped 71% 7277. HO HUM -- The Redundant 73 74------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme 75--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife 76------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working 77---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the 78---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to 79--- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. 80 81Nine in the second place means: 82 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. 83 84Six in the third place means: 85 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue 86 Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! 87% 887:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 89 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 90 Redwood Forest. 91% 927:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 93 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 94 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 95% 9699 blocks of crud on the disk, 9799 blocks of crud! 98You patch a bug, and dump it again: 99100 blocks of crud on the disk! 100 101100 blocks of crud on the disk, 102100 blocks of crud! 103You patch a bug, and dump it again: 104101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... 105% 106A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 107"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. 108 -- Mahatma Ghandi 109% 110A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. 111Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific 112game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have 113traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, 114preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. 115 -- Donald A. Metz 116% 117A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and 118placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or 119rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results 120from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball 121and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the 122ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical 123phenomena. 124 -- Donald A. Metz 125% 126A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no 127responsibility at the other. 128% 129A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. 130 -- Carl Sandburg 131% 132A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out 133of a divorce. 134 -- Don Quinn 135% 136A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining 137and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 138 -- Mark Twain 139% 140A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it 141adds up to be real money. 142 -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen 143% 144A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. 145% 146A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 147% 148A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. 149% 150... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you 151have turned into a pile of dust. 152% 153A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have 154enlightened him with ours. 155% 156A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well 157as afterward. 158% 159A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the 160poor to protect them from each other. 161% 162A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. 163% 164A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not 165mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty 166trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. 167 -- Dave Barry 168% 169A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. 170% 171A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. 172Avoid him. He's a Commie. 173% 174A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but 175won't cross the street to vote in a national election. 176 -- Bill Vaughan 177% 178A city is a large community where people are lonesome together 179 -- Herbert Prochnow 180% 181A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody 182wants to read. 183 -- Mark Twain 184% 185A closed mouth gathers no foot. 186% 187A computer, to print out a fact, 188Will divide, multiply, and subtract. 189 But this output can be 190 No more than debris, 191If the input was short of exact. 192 -- Gigo 193% 194A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. 195% 196A CONS is an object which cares. 197 -- Bernie Greenberg. 198% 199A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it 200is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. 201% 202A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. 203 -- Dyer 204% 205A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the 206damned things is ample. 207 -- Rebecca West 208% 209A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. 210 -- Ben Franklin 211% 212A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 213And had an affair with a Saracen. 214 She was not oversexed, 215 Or jealous or vexed, 216She just wanted to make a comparison. 217% 218A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen 219lantern. 220 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 221% 222A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? 223% 224A day without sunshine is like night. 225% 226A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur 227coat. 228% 229A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that 230you will look forward to the trip. 231% 232 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was 233eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality 234test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." 235 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into 236the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". 237% 238A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ... 239% 240 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing 241about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their 242arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon 243the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because 244Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply 245incredible surgical feat." 246 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the 247Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of 248that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an 249architect." 250 The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, 251"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" 252% 253A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. 254 -- Ogden Nash 255% 256A dozen, a gross, and a score, 257Plus three times the square root of four, 258 Divided by seven, 259 Plus five time eleven, 260Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. 261% 262A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a 263Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. 264Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network 265with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the 266Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly 267pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while 268simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick 269Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. 270% 271A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the 272subject. 273 -- Winston Churchill 274% 275A fool must now and then be right by chance. 276% 277A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into 278superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. 279 -- G. B. Shaw 280% 281A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block 282of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an 283elephant. 284% 285A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. 286 -- D. Gries 287% 288"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch 289dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension." 290 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" 291% 292A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. 293 -- Adlai Stevenson 294% 295A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than 296he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men 297favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter 298facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. 299 -- H. L. Mencken 300% 301A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding 302ducks. 303 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 304% 305A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. 306A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. 307But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*. 308 -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" 309% 310A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort 311of). 312% 313A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened 314into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the 315hope of greening the landscape of idea. 316 -- John Ciardi 317% 318A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely 319rearranging their prejudices. 320 -- William James 321% 322A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest 323man a century. 324% 325A hypothetical paradox: 326 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security 327team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of 328Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? 329 -- Tom Galloway 330% 331A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. 332C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. 333E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. 334G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. 335I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. 336K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. 337M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui. 338O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl 339Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. 340S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. 341U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. 342W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice. 343Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. 344 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines" 345% 346A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 347% 348A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide 349who has the better lawyer. 350 -- Robert Frost 351% 352A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 353% 354A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 355% 356A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 357% 358A lady with one of her ears applied 359To an open keyhole heard, inside, 360Two female gossips in converse free -- 361The subject engaging them was she. 362"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks 363That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" 364As soon as no more of it she could hear 365The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 366"I will not stay," she said with a pout, 367"To hear my character lied about!" 368 -- Gopete Sherany 369% 370A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is 371not worth knowing. 372% 373A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program 374in than some that do. 375 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 376% 377A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work 378by being declared to work. 379 -- Anatol Holt 380% 381A Law of Computer Programming: 382 Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you 383will find the programmers cannot write in English. 384% 385A limerick packs laughs anatomical 386Into space that is quite economical. 387 But the good ones I've seen 388 So seldom are clean, 389And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 390% 391A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of 392nothing. 393% 394A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. 395 -- H. H. Munroe 396% 397A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. 398% 399A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any 400price. 401% 402A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in 403his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and 404exceptional ability in that particular field." 405% 406A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. 407 -- Steve Wright 408% 409A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I 410believe everything positively stinks. 411 -- Lew Col 412% 413 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The 414first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. 415 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow 416and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." 417 "But the collar is up around my ears!" 418 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a 419little more ... that's it." 420 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. 421 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you 422go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." 423 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the 424street. Reba and Florence see him go by. 425 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" 426 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." 427 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 428% 429A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" 430 431"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a 432sense of obligation." 433 -- Stephen Crane 434% 435A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. 436% 437 A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his 438novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how 439insignificant," said the master. 440 441 "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. 442 443 "It is," came the reply. 444 445 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. 446 447 "It is even in a video game," said the master. 448 449 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" 450 451 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The 452lesson is over for today," he said. 453 -- "The Tao of Programming" 454% 455A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. 456% 457A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed 458on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new 459game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the 460pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly 461along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their 462heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn 463around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite 464direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the 465paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin 466colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins 467fall over gently onto their backs. 468 -- Audobon Society Magazine 469% 470 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at 471the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the 472pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite 473nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." 474 "If what?" asked the composer. 475 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" 476% 477A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out 478on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed 479loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom 480do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" 481% 482A new dramatist of the absurd 483Has a voice that will shortly be heard. 484 I learn from my spies 485 He's about to devise 486An unprintable three-letter word. 487% 488A new koan: 489 490 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. 491 492 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. 493 494It is an ice cream koan. 495% 496A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. 497Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now 498has no excuse for further procrastination. 499% 500A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies 501insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the 502right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. 503% 504A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the 505rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. 506% 507 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which 508removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to 509doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous 510amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware 511limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the 512larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient 513power-down sequence. 514 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the 515building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has 516bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer 517cool. 518% 519A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power 520off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: 521"You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no 522understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off 523and on. The machine worked. 524% 525A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. 526% 527A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. 528 -- Gloria Steinem 529% 530A penny saved is ridiculous. 531% 532A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. 533% 534A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. 535 -- George Wald 536% 537A pig is a jolly companion, 538Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- 539A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 540Though mountains may topple and tilt. 541When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, 542When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, 543Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, 544You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, 545You'll never go wrong with a pig! 546 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 547% 548 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling 549 by Mark Twain 550 551 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped 552to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer 553be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained 554would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 555might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the 556same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with 557"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. 558 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear 559with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 560or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. 561Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi 562ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz 563ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. 564 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud 565hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. 566% 567"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!" 568 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra" 569% 570A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? 571 572And he answered: 573 574It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. 575 576It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. 577 578It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City 579upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come 580to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. 581 582And that is Fate? said the priest. 583 584Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. 585 586That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was 587too. 588 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 589% 590 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came 591upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. 592"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow 593man". 594 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, 595he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." 596% 597A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 598% 599"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis 600of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite 601series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric 602precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from 603inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical 604accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality 605for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly 606defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the 607information in the first place." 608 -- IEEE Grid news magazine 609% 610A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that 611your wife will give you for free. 612% 613A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be 614too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which 615was intended for her preservation. 616 -- Colton 617% 618A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as 619"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if 620the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants 621to make a travesty of the game. 622 -- Donald A. Metz 623% 624"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked 625out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon." 626 -- Steel City News 627% 628"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives." 629% 630A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: 631 632Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, 633"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny 634bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the 635lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and 636breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the 637Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of 638the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt 639thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then 640proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being 641the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand 642Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, 643shall snuff it." 644 -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" 645% 646A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices 647that the system works. 648% 649A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and 650the real reason. 651% 652A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen 653objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer 654scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added 655concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three 656dimensional objects ... 657% 658A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may 659not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized 660rosewater. 661% 662A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man 663contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. 664 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 665% 666A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will 667keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those 668that are worth committing. 669 -- Samuel Butler 670% 671 A Severe Strain on the Credulity 672 673As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest 674parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket 675is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one 676considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one 677begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really 678starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor 679maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. 680Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing 681of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to 682re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum 683against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the 684knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. 685 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 686% 687A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard 688 -- Prof. Steiner 689% 690... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he 691was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 692 -- Mark Twain 693% 694A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 695 -- O'Henry 696% 697A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many 698bad measures. 699 -- Daniel Webster 700% 701A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an 702exam. 703% 704A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to 705Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it 706true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as 707Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt 708shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick. 709% 710A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something 711undreamed of by its author. 712 -- S. C. Johnson 713% 714A tautology is a thing which is tautological. 715% 716A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, 717and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. 718 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 719% 720A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by 721blowing first. 722% 723A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene 724triangle. 725% 726A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 727% 728A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest 729in students. 730 -- John Ciardi 731% 732"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly." 733 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin 734% 735A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, 736Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. 737 She found a good way 738 To combine work and play: 739She sells C shells by the seashore. 740% 741A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature 742replaces it with. 743 -- Tennessee Williams 744% 745A very intelligent turtle 746Found programming UNIX a hurdle 747 The system, you see, 748 Ran as slow as did he, 749And that's not saying much for the turtle. 750% 751A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without 752getting nervous. 753% 754A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets 755people's attention. 756% 757"A witty saying proves nothing." 758 -- Voltaire 759% 760"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to 761admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact 762remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one 763reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It 764is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of 765using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these 766matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times." 767 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII 768% 769A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe 770in God. 771% 772A.A.A.A.A.: 773 An organization for drunks who drive 774% 775AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! 776You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! 777% 778Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. 779% 780"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the 781ends." 782 -- Herbert Hoover 783% 784Absence makes the heart go wander. 785% 786Absent, adj.: 787 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; 788slandered. 789% 790Absentee, n.: 791 A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove 792himself from the sphere of exaction. 793 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 794% 795Abstainer, n.: 796 A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a 797pleasure. 798 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 799% 800Absurdity, n.: 801 A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own 802opinion. 803 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 804% 805Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, 806because the stakes are so low. 807 -- Wallace Sayre 808% 809Accident, n.: 810 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of 811body is better. 812% 813Accidents cause History. 814 815If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the 816Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not 817have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil 818could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and 819the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. 820 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 821% 822According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person 823shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than 824fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening 825of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of 826the returns." 827% 828According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least 829once a year. 830% 831According to my best recollection, I don't remember. 832 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo 833% 834According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are 835totally worthless. 836% 837According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never 838dies. 839% 840"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to 841live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came 842in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. 843Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime." 844 -- David Letterman 845% 846Accordion, n.: 847 A bagpipe with pleats. 848% 849Accuracy, n.: 850 The vice of being right 851% 852 ACHTUNG!!! 853 854Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy 855schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit 856spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das 857rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und 858vatch das blinkenlights!!! 859% 860Acid -- better living through chemistry. 861% 862Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality. 863% 864Acquaintance, n.: 865 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well 866enough to lend to. 867 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 868% 869"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from 870coughing." 871% 872Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had 873 everyone glued in their seats!" 874Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of 875 it!" 876% 877Actor: So what do you do for a living? 878Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving 879 dishes for Chinese restaurants. 880 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 881% 882Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. 883% 884ADA, n.: 885 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 886Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA 887awareness." 888% 889Admiration, n.: 890 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. 891 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 892% 893Adolescence, n.: 894 The stage between puberty and adultery. 895% 896"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look 897like you ..." 898 -- Gilda Radner 899% 900Adore, v.: 901 To venerate expectantly. 902 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 903% 904Adult, n.: 905 One old enough to know better. 906% 907Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest 908way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. 909 -- Sinclair Lewis 910% 911Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, 912then at least be asceptic. 913% 914After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose 915names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary 916Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted 917many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi 918Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two 919different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current 920developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer 921attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led 922to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, 923skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously 924injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it 925hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact 926that it sinks like a stone. 927 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 928% 929After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. 930It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life 931more advanced than the lichen family. 932 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly 933 Do" 934% 935After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. 936% 937"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known 938quotations." 939 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare 940% 941After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not 942for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have 943simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. 944 -- P. J. O'Rourke 945% 946After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found 947on the bench. 948% 949 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from 950Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, 951and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon 952to be created." 953 "This is true," He replied. 954 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. 955 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the 956right to make his laws?" 957 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to 958make his own." 959 It was so granted. 960 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 961% 962"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of 963the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the 964cost to others, to win advancement." 965 -- Norman Thomas 966% 967After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? 968% 969After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe 970everything. Just in case. 971% 972After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access 973cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been 974removed. 975% 976Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a 977change. 978% 979Afternoon, n.: 980 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the 981morning. 982% 983Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. 984 -- Dorothy Parker 985% 986Age, n.: 987 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we 988still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise 989to commit. 990 -- Ambrose Bierce 991% 992Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. 993% 994Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, 995there's the rub. 996 997For all dreams are not equal, 998some exit to nightmare 999most end with the dreamer 1000 1001But at least one must be lived ... and died. 1002% 1003"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the 1004Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact 1005that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately 1006unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep 1007up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." 1008 -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic 1009% 1010Air is water with holes in it 1011% 1012Alas, I am dying beyond my means. 1013 -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed 1014% 1015Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire 1016telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New 1017York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? 1018And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they 1019receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." 1020% 1021Alden's Laws: 1022 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 1023 of pregnancy. 1024 (2) Always be backlit. 1025 (3) Sit down whenever possible. 1026% 1027Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, 1028Aleph-null bottles of beer, 1029 You take one down, and pass it around, 1030Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. 1031% 1032Alex Haley was adopted! 1033% 1034Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting 1035for a dial tone. 1036% 1037Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of 1038them keeps paying for it. 1039 -- Peggy Joyce 1040% 1041All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent 1042upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a 1043visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is 1044informing, stimulating and ennobling. 1045 -- H. L. Mencken 1046% 1047All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely 1048than others. 1049 -- Alan Truscott 1050% 1051All extremists should be taken out and shot. 1052% 1053All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing 1054without thinking. 1055% 1056"All flesh is grass" 1057 -- Isiah 1058Smoke a friend today. 1059% 1060All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 1061% 1062All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own 1063importance. 1064% 1065All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled 1066by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... 1067% 1068All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power 1069 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 1070% 1071All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are 1072Socrates. 1073 -- Woody Allen 1074% 1075"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us 1076sane." 1077% 1078"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more 1079specific." 1080 -- Jane Wagner 1081% 1082All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. 1083 -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr. 1084% 1085All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of 1086the United States. 1087 -- Vic Gold 1088% 1089All power corrupts, but we need electricity. 1090% 1091All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. 1092% 1093All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of 1094every organism to live beyond its income. 1095 -- Samuel Butler 1096% 1097All science is either physics or stamp collecting. 1098 -- E. Rutherford 1099% 1100"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right 1101hands." 1102 -- Saint Patrick 1103% 1104All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. 1105% 1106All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, 1107too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you 1108subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you 1109can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. 1110Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax 1111decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What 1112if it rains?" 1113 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 1114% 1115"... all the modern inconveniences ..." 1116 -- Mark Twain 1117% 1118All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most 1119ridiculous ones. 1120 -- La Rochefoucauld 1121% 1122All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by 1123the government in less than a second. 1124 -- Jim Fiebig 1125% 1126All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. 1127 -- Sean O'Casey 1128% 1129All the world's a VAX, 1130And all the coders merely butchers; 1131They have their exits and their entrails; 1132And one int in his time plays many widths, 1133His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant, 1134Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. 1135And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, 1136And shining morning face, creeping like slug 1137Unwillingly to school. 1138 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 1139% 1140All theoretical chemistry is really physics; 1141and all theoretical chemists know it. 1142 -- Richard P. Feynman 1143% 1144All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door. 1145% 1146All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for 1147fun. Money's just the way we keep score. 1148% 1149All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. 1150% 1151All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes 1152infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in 1153which he was born. 1154 -- Francois Fenelon 1155% 1156Alliance, n.: 1157 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have 1158their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot 1159separately plunder a third. 1160 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1161% 1162Alone, adj.: 1163 In bad company. 1164 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1165% 1166Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight 1167Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. 1168 -- Dave Barry 1169% 1170Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. 1171% 1172Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, 1173mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have 1174any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place 1175to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, 1176Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a 1177serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the 1178same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely 1179that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A 1180penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job 1181running the post office. 1182 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 1183% 1184Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been 1185reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the 1186day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable 1187interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on 1188pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, 1189and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. 1190Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous 1191material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the 1192management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion 1193the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical 1194Gamekeeping." 1195 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) 1196% 1197Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid 1198back. 1199% 1200Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. 1201% 1202"Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing 1203that way." 1204% 1205Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. 1206% 1207 AMAZING BUT TRUE ... 1208 1209If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end 1210across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. 1211% 1212 AMAZING BUT TRUE ... 1213 1214There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it 1215would completely cover the Sahara Desert. 1216% 1217Ambidextrous, adj.: 1218 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. 1219 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1220% 1221Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. 1222 -- Charlie McCarthy 1223% 1224America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism 1225to decadence without touching civilization. 1226 -- John O'Hara 1227% 1228America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, 1229until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and 1230changed its name to "America". 1231 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 1232% 1233American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective 1234employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for 1235employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference 1236between the men's room and the women's room without having little 1237pictures on the doors. 1238 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" 1239% 1240"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it." 1241% 1242An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because 1243people refuse to see it. 1244 -- James Michener, "Space" 1245% 1246An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but 1247is always polite to traffic cops. 1248% 1249"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to 1250New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but 1251not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax." 1252 -- David Letterman 1253% 1254An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. 1255% 1256 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He 1257knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with 1258great restraint. 1259 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and 1260embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away 1261to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, 1262and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of 1263that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. 1264 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. 1265When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will 1266confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, 1267and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that 1268are particular and not generalizable. 1269 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using 1270all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first 1271one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". 1272 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 1273% 1274An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. 1275% 1276An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree 1277murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's 1278mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. 1279Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the 1280suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a 1281murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." 1282% 1283An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you 1284really care to know. 1285% 1286An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. 1287% 1288An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. 1289% 1290An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded 1291summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your 1292arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey 1293responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" 1294% 1295An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. 1296 -- A. P. Herbert 1297% 1298An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He 1299wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is 1300advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and 1301Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in 1302incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote 1303excellence: 1304 1305"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and 1306discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able 1307to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting 1308things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch 1309parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a 1310timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who 1311doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. 1312Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high 1313school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as 1314successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and 1315they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." 1316 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 1317% 1318An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. 1319% 1320"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often 1321picturesque liar." 1322 -- Mark Twain 1323% 1324An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these 1325eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as 1326possible. 1327 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" 1328% 1329An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. 1330% 1331 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity 1332in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. 1333 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if 1334you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like 1335an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an 1336hour seems like a minute." 1337 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a 1338moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" 1339 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 1340% 1341"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge." 1342% 1343Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no 1344government at all. 1345% 1346And as we stand on the edge of darkness 1347Let our chant fill the void 1348That others may know 1349 1350 In the land of the night 1351 The ship of the sun 1352 Is drawn by 1353 The grateful dead. 1354 1355 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. 1356% 1357... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. 1358% 1359And I heard Jeff exclaim, 1360As they strolled out of sight, 1361"Merry Christmas to all -- 1362You take credit cards, right?" 1363 -- "Outsiders" comic 1364% 1365... And malt does more than Milton can 1366To justify God's ways to man 1367 -- A. E. Housman 1368% 1369And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. 1370% 1371"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of 1372your own." 1373 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter 1374 Preposterous Words 1375% 1376And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and 1377fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it 1378looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One 1379approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin 1380is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then 1381of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides 1382gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this 1383procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom 1384youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and 1385Orson Welles. 1386 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 1387% 1388"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a 1389courtesy detail." 1390% 1391And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a 1392horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical 1393columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, 1394ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the 1395world. 1396 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" 1397% 1398 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" 1399asked the father of his little son. 1400 "Diet." 1401% 1402And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have 1403a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks 1404tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets 1405tragedy face to face, we have politics. 1406 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and 1407 Ground Cover" 1408% 1409Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. 1410Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes. 1411 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" 1412% 1413Angels we have heard on High 1414Tell us to go out and Buy. 1415 -- Tom Lehrer 1416% 1417Ankh if you love Isis. 1418% 1419Anoint, v.: 1420 To grease a king or other great functionary already 1421sufficiently slippery. 1422 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1423% 1424 Another Glitch in the Call 1425 ------- ------ -- --- ---- 1426 (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) 1427 1428We don't need no indirection 1429We don't need no flow control 1430No data typing or declarations 1431Did you leave the lists alone? 1432 1433 Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! 1434 1435Chorus: 1436 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. 1437 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. 1438% 1439Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 1440% 1441Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but 1442television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom 1443and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that 1444offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath. 1445 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly 1446 Do" 1447% 1448 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: 1449 1450(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 1451(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 1452(3) I don't know. 1453(4) Who cares? 1454(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, 1455 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. 1456(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my 1457 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and 1458 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of 1459 Papyrus Books). 1460% 1461Anthony's Law of Force: 1462 Don't force it; get a larger hammer. 1463% 1464Anthony's Law of the Workshop: 1465 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible 1466 corner of the workshop. 1467 1468Corollary: 1469 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike 1470 your toes. 1471% 1472Antonym, n.: 1473 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. 1474% 1475Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art. 1476 -- Charles McCabe 1477% 1478Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. 1479 -- Charles McCabe 1480% 1481Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a 1482representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a 1483representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone 1484capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. 1485 -- Richard Schickel 1486% 1487Any excuse will serve a tyrant. 1488 -- Aesop 1489% 1490Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that 1491this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a 1492whole week. 1493% 1494Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to 1495sell it. 1496% 1497Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche 1498-- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, 1499my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off 1500the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was 1501undoubtedly true. 1502 -- Solomon Short 1503% 1504Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. 1505 -- Sydney J. Harris 1506% 1507Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger 1508object. 1509% 1510Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to 1511exactly the point of most pressure. 1512 -- Milt Barber 1513% 1514Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. 1515 -- Rich Kulawiec 1516% 1517Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged 1518demo. 1519% 1520Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. 1521 -- Arthur C. Clarke 1522% 1523Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked 1524something. 1525% 1526Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. 1527 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 1528% 1529Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. 1530% 1531Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is 1532probably parked. 1533% 1534Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. 1535% 1536Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is 1537supposed to be doing at the moment. 1538 -- Robert Benchley 1539% 1540Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. 1541 -- Publius Syrus 1542% 1543Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with 1544none. 1545% 1546Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he 1547is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not 1548make messes in the house. 1549 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 1550% 1551Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. 1552 -- Samuel Goldwyn 1553% 1554Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. 1555 -- W. C. Fields 1556% 1557Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no 1558account be allowed to do the job. 1559 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 1560% 1561Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never 1562tried taking candy from a baby. 1563 -- Robin Hood 1564% 1565Anything free is worth what you pay for it. 1566% 1567Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. 1568% 1569Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. 1570% 1571Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the 1572price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" 1573means the price went way up. 1574% 1575Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. 1576% 1577Anything worth doing is worth overdoing 1578% 1579"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution" 1580% 1581Aphorism, n.: 1582 A concise, clever statement. 1583Afterism, n.: 1584 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. 1585 -- James Alexander Thom 1586% 1587APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of 1588the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of 1589coding bums. 1590% 1591"APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I 1592can't read any of them." 1593 -- Roy Keir 1594% 1595Aquadextrous, adj.: 1596 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off 1597with your toes. 1598 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1599% 1600AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) 1601 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. 1602 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to 1603 be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same 1604 mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. 1605% 1606Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: 1607 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing 1608general can be said." 1609% 1610ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- 1611 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE 1612% 1613Are you a turtle? 1614% 1615Are you a turtle? 1616% 1617"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." 1618 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 1619% 1620ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) 1621 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You 1622 are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are 1623 not very nice. 1624% 1625Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your 1626shoes. 1627 -- Mickey Mouse 1628% 1629Armadillo: 1630 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle 1631% 1632Arnold's Laws of Documentation: 1633 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. 1634 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. 1635 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the 1636 first two laws. 1637% 1638Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to 1639measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you 1640imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? 1641 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 1642% 1643Art is anything you can get away with. 1644 -- Marshall McLuhan. 1645% 1646Art is either plagiarism or revolution. 1647 -- Paul Gauguin 1648% 1649Arthur's Laws of Love: 1650 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 1651 remind them of someone else. 1652 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be 1653 delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of 1654 yourself in person. 1655% 1656Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. 1657% 1658As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are 1659interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick 1660perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, 1661"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ... 1662 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 1663% 1664"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual 1665certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I 1666became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can 1667meet girls." 1668 -- Matt Cartmill 1669% 1670As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not 1671certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. 1672 -- Albert Einstein 1673% 1674As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. 1675 -- Weisert 1676% 1677As I was going up Punch Card Hill, 1678 Feeling worse and worser, 1679There I met a C.R.T. 1680 And it drop't me a cursor. 1681 1682C.R.T., C.R.T., 1683 Phosphors light on you! 1684If I had fifty hours a day 1685 I'd spend them all at you. 1686 1687 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 1688% 1689As I was passing Project MAC, 1690I met a Quux with seven hacks. 1691Every hack had seven bugs; 1692Every bug had seven manifestations; 1693Every manifestation had seven symptoms. 1694Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, 1695How many losses at Project MAC? 1696% 1697As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great 1698industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free 1699speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to 1700myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a 1701real American talk like that. 1702 -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) 1703% 1704As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? 1705% 1706As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its 1707fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be 1708popular. 1709 -- Oscar Wilde 1710% 1711As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. 1712% 1713"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 1714programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging." 1715 -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new 1716 computer system. 1717% 1718As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it 1719wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had 1720to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized 1721that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in 1722finding mistakes in my own programs. 1723 -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 1724% 1725As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's 1726so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. 1727 -- Woody Allen 1728% 1729As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there 1730is always a future in Computer Maintenance. 1731 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1732% 1733As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free 1734variable." 1735% 1736As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple 1737memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time 1738to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, 1739E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. 1740 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" 1741% 1742As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would 1743interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the 1744Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure 1745out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on 1746Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual 1747organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, 1748birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never 1749see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and 1750stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations 1751with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are 1752talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both 1753highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. 1754 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 1755 Teen Should Know" 1756% 1757As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull 1758your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you. 1759The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along 1760with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall 1761from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all 1762over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of 1763a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the 1764spider is suing you for damages. 1765% 1766As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." 1767% 1768ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. 1769% 1770Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if 1771one went to Harvard). 1772 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 1773% 1774Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls. 1775% 1776Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the 1777Station-to-Station rate. 1778% 1779Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the 1780bathtub, it tolls for thee. 1781% 1782Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" 1783for an answer. 1784% 1785"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old 1786woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, 1787she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'" 1788 -- David Letterman 1789% 1790Ass, n.: 1791 The masculine of "lass". 1792% 1793Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. 1794Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be 1795strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. 1796Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check 1797and dying broke. 1798 -- Stanley Walker 1799% 1800"At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los 1801Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head 1802under the exhaust of a bus until he revived." 1803% 1804At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is 1805not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where 1806it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. 1807 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow 1808% 1809At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial 1810challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. 1811 -- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985 1812% 1813At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial 1814challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. 1815 -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985 1816% 1817... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. 1818 -- J. B. White 1819% 1820"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents" 1821% 1822At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his 1823thumb with a hammer. 1824 -- Marshall Lumsden 1825% 1826At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will 1827find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on 1828the computer. 1829% 1830Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole 1831or street lamp. 1832% 1833Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. 1834 -- Winston Churchill 1835% 1836Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever 1837depths they were once able to plumb. 1838 -- Stanley Kaufman 1839% 1840Automobile, n.: 1841 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down 1842pedestrians. 1843% 1844Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. 1845 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1846% 1847Avoid reality at all costs. 1848% 1849"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but 1850we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you." 1851 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student 1852% 1853Bacchus, n.: 1854 A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for 1855getting drunk. 1856 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1857% 1858Bagbiter: 1859 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually 1860intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This 1861bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on 1862obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the 1863bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, 1864CHOMPER, CHOMPING. 1865% 1866Bagdikian's Observation: 1867 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American 1868newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a 1869ukelele. 1870% 1871Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: 1872 A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides 1873by governors. 1874% 1875Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. 1876% 1877Banectomy, n.: 1878 The removal of bruises on a banana. 1879 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1880% 1881Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. 1882% 1883Barach's Rule: 1884 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own 1885physician. 1886% 1887Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the 1888floor -- especially in the dark. 1889% 1890Barometer, n.: 1891 An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we 1892are having. 1893 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1894% 1895Barth's Distinction: 1896 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two 1897types, and those who don't. 1898% 1899Baruch's Observation: 1900 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. 1901% 1902Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high 1903taxes. 1904 -- Will Rogers 1905% 1906Basic is a high level languish. 1907APL is a high level anguish. 1908% 1909"BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'." 1910% 1911Basic, n.: 1912 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in 1913that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. 1914% 1915Bathquake, n.: 1916 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water 1917faucet is turned on to a certain point. 1918 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1919% 1920Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your 1921door. 1922% 1923BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) 1924% 1925Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely 1926get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your 1927face. 1928 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1929% 1930Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. 1931% 1932Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. 1933 -- Mark Twain 1934% 1935Be different: conform. 1936% 1937Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so 1938get used to it. 1939% 1940Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake. 1941% 1942Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and 1943miss 1944 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 1945% 1946Bees are very busy souls 1947They have no time for birth controls 1948And that is why in times like these 1949There are so many Sons of Bees. 1950% 1951 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and 1952took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his 1953followers. 1954 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and 1955there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. 1956 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his 1957commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your 1958Purpose in Life, anyway?" 1959 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The 1960Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) 1961 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. 1962 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. 1963 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1964% 1965Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's 1966ego. 1967% 1968Begathon, n.: 1969 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so 1970you won't have to watch commercials. 1971% 1972Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh 1973away. 1974% 1975Beifeld's Principle: 1976 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and 1977receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is 1978already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better 1979looking and richer male friend. 1980% 1981"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> 1982% 1983"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> 1984% 1985Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. 1986% 1987Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: 1988 (1) Houses are for people to live in. 1989 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. 1990 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. 1991% 1992"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" 1993 -- Time Bandits 1994% 1995Besides the device, the box should contain: 1996 1997* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" 1998 1999* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two 2000 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. 2001 2002YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram 2003cable. 2004 2005IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your 2006spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car 2007that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King 2008without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's 2009why." 2010 2011WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. 2012 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 2013% 2014Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon. 2015% 2016better !pout !cry 2017better watchout 2018lpr why 2019santa claus <north pole >town 2020 2021cat /etc/passwd >list 2022ncheck list 2023ncheck list 2024cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist 2025cat list | grep nice >giftlist 2026santa claus <north pole > town 2027 2028who | grep sleeping 2029who | grep awake 2030who | egrep 'bad|good' 2031for (goodness sake) { 2032 be good 2033} 2034% 2035Better dead than mellow. 2036% 2037Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson 2038Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. 2039Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and 2040great effort pushing boulders into a single word. 2041 2042It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. 2043Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin 2044equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the 2045destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass 2046both Parliament and Party. 2047 2048It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other 2049planets, this may be the first message received from us. 2050 -- The Realist, November, 1964. 2051% 2052"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not 2053tried it." 2054 -- Donald Knuth 2055% 2056Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! 2057% 2058Beware of low-flying butterflies. 2059% 2060Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. 2061 -- Leonard Brandwein 2062% 2063Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a 2064drip under pressure. 2065% 2066"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and 2067finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of 2068murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by 2069their ignorance the hard way." 2070 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" 2071% 2072Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but 2073nothing of interest is easy. 2074% 2075Binary, adj.: 2076 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. 2077% 2078"Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same 2079thing as division." 2080% 2081Bipolar, adj.: 2082 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, 2083New York 2084% 2085Birth, n.: 2086 The first and direst of all disasters. 2087 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2088% 2089Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic 2090% 2091Bizoos, n.: 2092 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a 2093basketball. 2094 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2095% 2096... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... 2097% 2098Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt. 2099% 2100Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as 2101Wheels. 2102% 2103BLISS is ignorance 2104% 2105Blood flows down one leg and up the other. 2106% 2107Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. 2108% 2109Blore's Razor: 2110 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is 2111funnier. 2112% 2113Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in 2114plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has 2115it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was 2116arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept 2117throwing up on them. 2118% 2119Boling's postulate: 2120 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. 2121% 2122Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: 2123 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so 2124vividly manifests their lack of progress. 2125% 2126Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: 2127 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 2128% 2129BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! 2130% 2131Boob's Law: 2132 You always find something in the last place you look. 2133% 2134Bore, n.: 2135 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. 2136 -- Walter Winchell 2137% 2138Bore, n.: 2139 A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 2140 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2141% 2142Boren's Laws: 2143 (1) When in charge, ponder. 2144 (2) When in trouble, delegate. 2145 (3) When in doubt, mumble. 2146% 2147Boss, n.: 2148 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages 2149the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, 2150in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an 2151ornamental stud." 2152% 2153Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry 2154that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation 2155straightened out for a crowbar. 2156 -- O. W. Holmes 2157% 2158Boston, n.: 2159 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for 2160finishing second in the Irish jig competition. 2161% 2162"Boy, life takes a long time to live 2163 -- Steven Wright 2164% 2165Boy, n.: 2166 A noise with dirt on it. 2167% 2168Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least 2169when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. 2170 -- James Thurber 2171% 2172Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. 2173 -- Kin Hubbard 2174% 2175Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the 2176unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only 2177(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend 2178to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' 2179 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking 2180 Style" 2181% 2182Bradley's Bromide: 2183 If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a 2184committee -- that will do them in. 2185% 2186Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: 2187 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more 2188easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have 2189handled this?" 2190% 2191Brain fried -- Core dumped 2192% 2193Brain, n.: 2194 The apparatus with which we think that we think. 2195 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2196% 2197Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: 2198 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of 2199error in an opponent. 2200 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2201% 2202Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, 2203since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. 2204 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 2205% 2206Bride, n.: 2207 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 2208 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2209% 2210Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may 2211revitalize the corner saloon. 2212% 2213British Israelites: 2214 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of 2215Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by 2216Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further 2217believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the 2218Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in 2219the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your 2220head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. 2221 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 2222% 2223Broad-mindedness, n.: 2224 The result of flattening high-mindedness out. 2225% 2226Brontosaurus Principle: 2227 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them 2228in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when 2229this occurs, they are an endangered species. 2230 -- Thomas K. Connellan 2231% 2232Brook's Law: 2233 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later 2234% 2235Brooke's Law: 2236 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool 2237discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it 2238beyond recognition. 2239% 2240Bubble Memory, n.: 2241 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's 2242intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". 2243% 2244Bucy's Law: 2245 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 2246% 2247Bug, n.: 2248 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the 2249programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he 2250wrote the program. 2251 2252Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. 2253 -- Ray Simard 2254% 2255Bugs, pl. n.: 2256 Small living things that small living boys throw on small 2257living girls. 2258% 2259BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the 2260 outfit." 2261GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" 2262BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." 2263 -- Jay Ward 2264% 2265Bumper sticker: 2266 2267"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British 2268manufacture" 2269% 2270Bureaucrat, n.: 2271 A person who cuts red tape sideways. 2272 -- J. McCabe 2273% 2274Bureaucrat, n.: 2275 A politician who has tenure. 2276% 2277Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise. 2278% 2279Burn's Hog Weighing Method: 2280 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a 2281 sawhorse. 2282 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. 2283 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again 2284 perfectly balanced. 2285 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. 2286 -- Robert Burns 2287% 2288 ... But among the children of the Great Society there were 2289those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, 2290and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ... 2291 Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and 2292they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my 2293people go to the front of the bus." 2294 But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all 2295deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove 2296yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like 2297unto a snowball in Hell." 2298 -- "The Begatting of a President" 2299% 2300... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can 2301easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed 2302and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) 2303upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was 2304without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based 2305on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court 2306was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and 2307sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, 2308human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. 2309 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2310% 2311"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations 2312paws." 2313% 2314"But I don't like Spam!!!!" 2315% 2316... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 2317intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as 2318we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues 2319that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding 2320of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard 2321example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- 2322makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing 2323whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a 2324finite or an infinite number. 2325 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 2326% 2327But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the 2328system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, 2329analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. 2330 -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing 2331 Compilers" 2332% 2333"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast 2334to the nearest gas station." 2335% 2336But scientists, who ought to know 2337Assure us that it must be so. 2338Oh, let us never, never doubt 2339What nobody is sure about. 2340 -- Hilaire Belloc 2341% 2342But soft you, the fair Ophelia: 2343Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, 2344But get thee to a nunnery -- go! 2345 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain 2346% 2347But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who 2348was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal 2349education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 23501877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of 2351American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was 2352invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he 2353invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant 2354adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends 2355electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the 2356electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant 2357part) sends it right back to the customer again. 2358 2359This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch 2360of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since 2361very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. 2362In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United 2363States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it 2364ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate 2365increases. 2366 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 2367% 2368"But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad 2369place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. 2370Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a 2371kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, 2372poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I 2373explained yet about the bytes?" 2374% 2375... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. 2376 -- Virginia Masters 2377% 2378"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable 2379computers?" 2380% 2381Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes 2382Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; 2383Less dear than army ants in apple pies 2384Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, 2385Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; 2386Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose 2387They suck, and like the double-breasted suit 2388Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, 2389Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; 2390And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: 2391Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; 2392Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. 2393Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, 2394Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. 2395% 2396By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task 2397completely overwhelm you. 2398% 2399"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, 2400it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to 2401invent. (R. Emerson)" 2402 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program 2403 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") 2404 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to 2405 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"] 2406% 2407"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began 2408to suspect 'Hungry' ..." 2409 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" 2410% 2411By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I 2412mean. 2413 -- Mark Twain 2414% 2415Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to 2416point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very 2417fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are 2418often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people 2419from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B 2420that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often 2421wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell 2422they wanted to be. 2423 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 2424% 2425C, n.: 2426 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more 2427like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or 2428anything else. It is either the best language available to the art 2429today, or it isn't. 2430 -- Ray Simard 2431% 2432Cabbage, n.: 2433 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as 2434a man's head. 2435 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2436% 2437"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception." 2438 -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 2439% 2440Cahn's Axiom: 2441 When all else fails, read the instructions. 2442% 2443California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. 2444 -- Fred Allen 2445% 2446California, n.: 2447 From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or 2448Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or 2449"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." 2450 -- Ed Moran 2451% 2452Call on God, but row away from the rocks. 2453 -- Indian proverb 2454% 2455"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target 2456Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept." 2457% 2458"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle." 2459 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 2460% 2461"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth 2462Corner, Vermont." 2463 -- Clarence Darrow 2464% 2465Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two 2466points. 2467 -- M. M. Johnston 2468% 2469Canada Bill Jone's Motto: 2470 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 2471 2472Supplement: 2473 A .44 magnum beats four aces. 2474% 2475Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents 2476for postage and 30 cents for storage. 2477 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial 2478 Post 2479% 2480Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? 2481Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, 2482A root or two, a torus and a node: 2483The inverse of my verse, a null domain. 2484 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2485% 2486CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 2487 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's 2488problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things 2489off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare 2490recipients are Cancer people. 2491% 2492Canonical, adj.: 2493 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true 2494story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some 2495annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a 2496point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and 2497eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used 2498the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking. 2499 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" 2500 Stallman: "What did he say?" 2501 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." 2502% 2503CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) 2504 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do 2505much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any 2506importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as 2507they take root and become trees. 2508% 2509Captain Penny's Law: 2510 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of 2511the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. 2512% 2513Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than 2514expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to 2515complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their 2516planning to reduce the time it takes. 2517% 2518Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and 2519trousers that don't match. 2520% 2521Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: 2522 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a 2523dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then 2524putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 2525 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2526% 2527Cat, n.: 2528 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. 2529% 2530Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. 2531 -- Mark Twain 2532% 2533Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. 2534% 2535CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. 2536% 2537Cecil, you're my final hope 2538Of finding out the true Straight Dope 2539For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat 2540But none of my cats are at all like that. 2541This unusual animal (so it is said) 2542Is simultaneously alive and dead! 2543What I don't understand is just why he 2544Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. 2545My future now hangs in between eigenstates. 2546In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. 2547If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way 2548And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. 2549But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, 2550Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. 2551 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium 2552 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams 2553% 2554Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. 2555% 2556Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the 2557center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation 2558works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool. 2559 -- Kelvin Throop III 2560% 2561Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, 2562how many? 2563% 2564Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. 2565Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something 2566Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy 2567 out of it? 2568Jaka: Ugh! 2569Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? 2570 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" 2571% 2572Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long 2573walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They 2574then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy 2575health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, 2576not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find 2577only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the 2578others who have tried it. 2579 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2580% 2581Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny-- 2582 Did you ever try buying them without money? 2583 -- Ogden Nash 2584% 2585 Chapter 1 2586 2587The story so far: 2588 2589 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot 2590of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. 2591% 2592Character Density, n.: 2593 The number of very weird people in the office. 2594% 2595Checkuary, n.: 2596 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and 2597ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his 2598checks. 2599% 2600Chef, n.: 2601 Any cook who swears in French. 2602% 2603Chemicals, n.: 2604 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. 2605% 2606Chemistry is applied theology. 2607 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III 2608% 2609Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. 2610% 2611Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: 2612 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn 2613headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". 2614 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 2615% 2616Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: 2617 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request 2618for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will 2619cheerfully baste you. 2620 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 2621% 2622Chicago, n.: 2623 Where the dead still vote ... early and often! 2624% 2625Chicken Little only has to be right once. 2626% 2627Chicken Little was right. 2628% 2629Chicken Soup, n.: 2630 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, 2631cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure 2632is neurotic dependence on one's mother. 2633 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 2634% 2635Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every 2636effort to teach them good manners. 2637% 2638Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're 2639going to catch you in next. 2640 -- Franklin P. Jones 2641% 2642Children aren't happy without something to ignore, 2643And that's what parents were created for. 2644 -- Ogden Nash 2645% 2646Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for 2647word what you shouldn't have said. 2648% 2649Chism's Law of Completion: 2650 The amount of time required to complete a government project is 2651precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. 2652% 2653Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: 2654 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. 2655% 2656Chivalry, Schmivalry! 2657 Roger the thief has a 2658 method he uses for 2659 sneaky attacks: 2660Folks who are reading are 2661 Characteristically 2662 Always Forgetting to 2663 Guard their own bac ... 2664% 2665Christ: 2666 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. 2667% 2668Churchill's Commentary on Man: 2669 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the 2670time he will pick himself up and continue on. 2671% 2672Cigarette, n.: 2673 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in 2674between. 2675% 2676Cinemuck, n.: 2677 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which 2678covers the floors of movie theaters. 2679 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2680% 2681Clairvoyant, n.: 2682 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that 2683which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. 2684 -- Ambrose Bierce 2685% 2686Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like 2687shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. 2688 -- Phyllis Diller 2689% 2690Cleanliness is next to impossible. 2691% 2692Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead. 2693% 2694"Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day." 2695% 2696Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. 2697% 2698Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on 2699society. 2700 -- Mark Twain 2701% 2702COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 2703% 2704Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. 2705% 2706Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- 2707"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." 2708 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2709% 2710"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong." 2711 -- Blair Houghton 2712% 2713Coincidence, n.: 2714 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was 2715going on. 2716% 2717Coincidences are spiritual puns. 2718 -- G. K. Chesterton 2719% 2720Cold, adj.: 2721 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. 2722% 2723Cold, adj.: 2724 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own 2725pockets. 2726% 2727Collaboration, n.: 2728 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the 2729other fellow can spell. 2730% 2731College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the 2732faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if 2733the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, 2734legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the 2735loss to humanity. 2736 -- H. L. Mencken 2737% 2738Colvard's Logical Premises: 2739 All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it 2740 won't. 2741 2742Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: 2743 This is especially true when dealing with someone you're 2744 attracted to. 2745 2746Grelb's Commentary 2747 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. 2748% 2749Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 2750And every vector dreams of matrices. 2751Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 2752It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 2753 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2754% 2755Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 2756Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 2757Their indices bedecked from one to _n, 2758Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 2759 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2760% 2761Command, n.: 2762 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in 2763such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. 2764% 2765 COMMENT 2766 2767Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, 2768A medley of extemporanea; 2769And love is thing that can never go wrong; 2770And I am Marie of Roumania. 2771 -- Dorothy Parker 2772% 2773Commitment, n.: 2774 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. 2775The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. 2776% 2777Committee Rules: 2778 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. 2779 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this 2780 stamps you as being wise. 2781 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the 2782 others. 2783 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. 2784 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you 2785 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. 2786% 2787Committee, n.: 2788 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group 2789decide that nothing can be done. 2790 -- Fred Allen 2791% 2792Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to 2793be appointed to do the work. 2794% 2795Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at 2796different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. 2797 -- Clive James 2798% 2799Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. 2800 -- Josh Billings 2801% 2802Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 2803 -- Albert Einstein 2804% 2805Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness 2806of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." 2807 -- David Guaspari 2808% 2809Computer programmers do it byte by byte 2810% 2811Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems 2812theory. 2813% 2814Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 2815% 2816Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. 2817 -- Pablo Picasso 2818% 2819Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in 2820the world that just don't add up. 2821% 2822Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more 2823than the estimate the job will cost. 2824% 2825Conceit causes more conversation than wit. 2826 -- LaRouchefoucauld 2827% 2828Concept, n.: 2829 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than 2830$25,000. 2831% 2832... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this 2833business, it probably would be gibberish. 2834 -- Thom McLeod 2835% 2836Condense soup, not books! 2837% 2838Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is 2839good for dandruff. 2840 -- Peter de Vries 2841% 2842Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the 2843situation. 2844% 2845Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that 2846would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that 2847you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer 2848maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS 2849OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY 2850UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED 2851IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD 2852WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND 2853SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, 2854RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, 2855RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE 2856FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? 2857 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 2858% 2859Connector Conspiracy, n: 2860 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the 2861KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of 2862manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) 2863to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old 2864stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive 2865interface devices. 2866% 2867Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. 2868 -- H. L. Mencken 2869% 2870Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking 2871 -- H. L. Mencken 2872% 2873Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 2874% 2875Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you 2876wish you weren't. 2877% 2878"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich." 2879 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] 2880% 2881Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then 2882give it back to them. 2883% 2884"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and 2885if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" 2886 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 2887% 2888"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern 2889technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat." 2890% 2891Conversation, n.: 2892 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath 2893is called the listener. 2894% 2895Conway's Law: 2896 In any organization there will always be one person who knows 2897 what is going on. 2898 2899 This person must be fired. 2900% 2901Coronation, n.: 2902 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and 2903visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite 2904bomb. 2905 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2906% 2907Corrupt, adj.: 2908 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. 2909% 2910Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a 2911muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can 2912make of capitalism. 2913 -- Walter Lippmann 2914% 2915Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job 2916is to enforce the law and fight crime. 2917 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan 2918% 2919Court, n.: 2920 A place where they dispense with justice. 2921 -- Arthur Train 2922% 2923Coward, n.: 2924 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 2925 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2926% 2927Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with 2928nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. 2929 -- Wernher von Braun 2930% 2931Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. 2932 -- A. E. Newman 2933% 2934Critic, n.: 2935 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries 2936to please him. 2937 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2938% 2939Croll's Query: 2940 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? 2941% 2942cursor address, n: 2943 "Hello, cursor!" 2944 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 2945% 2946"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It 2947eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the 2948business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." 2949 -- Johnny Hart 2950% 2951"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It 2952eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the 2953business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." 2954 -- Johnny Hart 2955% 2956Cynic, n.: 2957 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not 2958as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking 2959out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 2960 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2961% 2962Cynic, n.: 2963 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced 2964eye. 2965% 2966Dare to be naive. 2967 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 2968% 2969Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. 2970% 2971Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." 2972Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." 2973% 2974Dawn, n.: 2975 The time when men of reason go to bed. 2976 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2977% 2978Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. 2979% 2980%DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory 2981VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears 2982% 2983Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also 2984easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to 2985improve. 2986% 2987Dear Lord: 2988 I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On 2989the other hand", again. 2990% 2991Dear Miss Manners: 2992 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's 2993elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between 2994courses, is all right. Which is correct? 2995 2996Gentle Reader: 2997 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home 2998economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this 2999principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now 3000than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners 3001believes that is. 3002% 3003Dear Miss Manners: 3004 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from 3005your face. 3006 3007Gentle Reader: 3008 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on 3009your face ... 3010% 3011Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part 3012of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old 3013will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a 3014commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as 3015"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a 3016table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always 3017says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean, 3018"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this 3019complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim 3020if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a 3021dead bat? 3022 3023Answer: Yes. 3024 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 3025% 3026Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? 3027 3028Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business 3029signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a 3030word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR 3031ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when 3032creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put 3033quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT 3034DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. 3035 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 3036% 3037Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. 3038% 3039Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. 3040 -- R. Geis 3041% 3042Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. 3043% 3044"Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'". 3045% 3046Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down 3047% 3048Death is only a state of mind. 3049 3050Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. 3051% 3052Death to all fanatics! 3053% 3054Decision maker, n.: 3055 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force 3056before the music stopped. 3057% 3058Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really 3059overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene 3060language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the 3061judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when 3062addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). 3063 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing 3064 Assoc. 3065% 3066 Deck Us All With Boston Charlie 3067 3068Deck us all with Boston Charlie, 3069Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! 3070Nora's freezin' on the trolley, 3071Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! 3072 3073Don't we know archaic barrel, 3074Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. 3075Trolley Molly don't love Harold, 3076Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! 3077 -- Walt Kelly 3078% 3079"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of 3080marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a 3081theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, 3082those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly 3083blessed. 3084 -- Randy Davis 3085% 3086default, n.: 3087 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, 3088mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will 3089come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. 3090 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 3091% 3092#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) 3093#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ 3094 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ 3095 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) 3096 3097 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word 3098% 3099 DELETE A FORTUNE! 3100 3101Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like 3102to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to 3103"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it 3104gets expunged. 3105% 3106Deliberation, n.: 3107 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is 3108buttered on. 3109 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3110% 3111"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow." 3112% 3113Demand the establishment of the government 3114in its rightful home at Disneyland. 3115% 3116Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than 3117we deserve. 3118 -- George Bernard Shaw 3119% 3120Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder 3121aloud what the country could do under first-class management. 3122 -- Senator Soaper 3123% 3124Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the 3125incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. 3126 -- G. B. Shaw 3127% 3128Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you 3129don't think. 3130% 3131Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by 3132Jackasses. 3133 -- H. L. Mencken 3134% 3135Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. 3136 -- Jawaharlal Nehru 3137% 3138Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people 3139are right more than half of the time. 3140 -- E. B. White 3141% 3142Democracy, n.: 3143 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass 3144meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. 3145Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. 3146Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, 3147whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, 3148prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. 3149Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. 3150 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), 3151 since withdrawn. 3152% 3153Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the 3154board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. 3155% 3156Dentist, n.: 3157 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls 3158coins out of one's pockets. 3159 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3160% 3161Despising machines to a man, 3162The Luddites joined up with the Klan, 3163 And ride out by night 3164 In a sheeting of white 3165To lynch all the robots they can. 3166 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson 3167% 3168Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will 3169be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over 3170the table. 3171 -- The Anarchist Cookbook 3172% 3173 DETERIORATA 3174 3175Go placidly amid the noise and waste, 3176And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. 3177Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. 3178Rotate your tires. 3179Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, 3180And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. 3181Know what to kiss -- and when. 3182Remember that two wrongs never make a right, 3183But that three do. 3184Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". 3185Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, 3186And despite the changing fortunes of time, 3187There is always a big future in computer maintenance. 3188 3189 You are a fluke of the universe ... 3190 You have no right to be here. 3191 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe 3192 Is laughing behind your back. 3193 -- National Lampoon 3194% 3195DeVries's Dilemma: 3196 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want 3197hits the paper. 3198% 3199Did I say 2? I lied. 3200% 3201Did you know ... 3202 3203That no-one ever reads these things? 3204% 3205Did you know that clones never use mirrors? 3206 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3207% 3208Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined 3209them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? 3210% 3211Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot 3212that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: 3213 3214 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and 3215 squirrel." 3216 3217 -- ihuxw!tommyo 3218% 3219Die, v.: 3220 To stop sinning suddenly. 3221 -- Elbert Hubbard 3222% 3223"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a 3224conventional thing to happen to him." 3225 -- John Barrymore's dying words 3226% 3227Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. 3228% 3229Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. 3230Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 3231% 3232Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. 3233% 3234Disc space -- the final frontier! 3235% 3236Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be 3237yours too." 3238 -- Dave Haynie 3239% 3240Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my 3241employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely 3242coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is 3243non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the 3244absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. 3245The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for 3246the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, 3247non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) 3248% 3249Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 3250% 3251Distinctive, adj.: 3252 A different color or shape than our competitors. 3253% 3254Distress, n.: 3255 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. 3256 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3257% 3258District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape 3259injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any 3260damage inflicted on the vehicle. 3261% 3262Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? 3263% 3264Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? 3265% 3266Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 3267% 3268Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon. 3269% 3270Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to 3271anger. 3272% 3273"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good 3274with ketchup." 3275% 3276Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. 3277Violators will be prosecuted. 3278(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) 3279% 3280Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. 3281% 3282Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each 3283day as it comes. 3284 -- Donald Kaul 3285% 3286Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. 3287% 3288Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. 3289% 3290Do you have lysdexia? 3291% 3292Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take 3293the time to take the dirt out of them? 3294% 3295"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" 3296"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 3297"I've never done anything illegal before." 3298"I thought you said you were an accountant!" 3299% 3300Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and 3301when it is bad, it is better than nothing. 3302 -- Dick Brandon 3303% 3304Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must 3305be good because the programmers hate it so much. 3306% 3307Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 3308% 3309Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 3310% 3311Don't be humble ... you're not that great. 3312 -- Golda Meir 3313% 3314Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. 3315% 3316Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! 3317 -- Joe Cointment 3318% 3319"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, 3320sincerely, extremely dangerously. 3321 3322They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. 3323They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They 3324used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used 3325finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used 3326fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. 3327They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. 3328They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. 3329They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And 3330what the hell, they caught him. 3331 3332 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the 3333 Tick-Tock Man" 3334% 3335Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! 3336% 3337Don't feed the bats tonight. 3338% 3339Don't get even -- get odd! 3340% 3341Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly 3342misleading. Debug only code. 3343 -- Dave Storer 3344% 3345"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes 3346you nothing. It was here first." 3347 -- Mark Twain 3348% 3349Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. 3350% 3351Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. 3352% 3353Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier. 3354% 3355Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. 3356% 3357Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. 3358% 3359Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking 3360distance. 3361% 3362Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. 3363% 3364Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. 3365% 3366Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy 3367it today you can do it again tomorrow. 3368% 3369"Don't say yes until I finish talking." 3370 -- Darryl F. Zanuck 3371% 3372Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. 3373Cheat. 3374 -- Ambrose Bierce 3375% 3376Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! 3377 -- "Brazil" 3378% 3379Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. 3380 -- Walt Kelly 3381% 3382Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive. 3383% 3384Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. 3385% 3386"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to 3387get more wax!!" 3388% 3389Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts 3390avoiding you. 3391 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac 3392% 3393"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any 3394good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats." 3395 -- Howard Aiken 3396% 3397Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already 3398tomorrow in Australia. 3399 -- Charles Schultz 3400% 3401Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too 3402busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. 3403% 3404Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? 3405% 3406Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she 3407 pretty? 3408W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of 3409 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to 3410 sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. 3411Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. 3412W. C.: It's almost impossible. 3413 -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson 3414 E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" 3415% 3416 Double Bucky 3417 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") 3418 3419Double bucky, you're the one! 3420You make my keyboard lots of fun 3421 Double bucky, an additional bit or two: 3422(Vo-vo-de-o!) 3423Control and Meta side by side, 3424Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! 3425 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! 3426 3427Double bucky, left and right 3428OR'd together, outta sight! 3429 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of 3430 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of 3431 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! 3432 3433 -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr. 3434% 3435Double-Blind Experiment, n.: 3436 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is 3437fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a 3438belief in the tooth fairy. 3439% 3440Down with categorical imperative! 3441% 3442"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing." 3443% 3444Drew's Law of Highway Biology: 3445 The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front 3446of your eyes. 3447% 3448Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying. 3449% 3450Drive defensively. Buy a tank. 3451% 3452Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic 3453route! 3454% 3455Ducharme's Axiom: 3456 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize 3457yourself as part of the problem. 3458% 3459Ducharme's Precept: 3460 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. 3461% 3462Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and 3463it holds the universe together ... 3464 -- Carl Zwanzig 3465% 3466Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders 3467has been discontinued. 3468% 3469Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate 3470and captain of your soul. 3471% 3472Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been 3473discontinued. 3474% 3475 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen 3476were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a 3477red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, 3478"Hey, you almost hit my wife." 3479 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a 3480shot at mine, over there." 3481% 3482During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several 3483times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o 3484% 3485"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have 3486nothing whatever to do with it." 3487 -- W. Somerset Maugham 3488% 3489E Pluribus Unix 3490% 3491Eagleson's Law: 3492 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more 3493months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is 3494an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) 3495% 3496Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends 3497% 3498/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. 3499% 3500Earth is a beta site. 3501% 3502"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." 3503 -- Jeff Berner 3504% 3505Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: 3506 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the 3507cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of 3508the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this 3509means the puzzle is solved. 3510 -- Steve Rubenstein 3511% 3512 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. 3513% 3514"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work." 3515% 3516Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. 3517 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 3518% 3519Economics, n.: 3520 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. 3521Galbraith ... 3522 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 3523% 3524Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy 3525would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it 3526hasn't. 3527 -- Robert Orben 3528% 3529Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a 3530percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. 3531 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 3532% 3533Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. 3534 -- Fred Allen 3535% 3536Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. 3537 -- Irsin Edman 3538% 3539Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! 3540 -- Bullwinkle Moose 3541% 3542Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. 3543 -- Adlai Stevenson 3544% 3545Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many 3546people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable 3547comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where 3548the "nog" comes from. 3549 3550To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in 3551season, eggs... 3552% 3553Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain 3554of being a damned fool. 3555 -- Bellamy Brooks 3556% 3557Egotist, n.: 3558 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. 3559 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3560% 3561Ehrman's Commentary: 3562 (1) Things will get worse before they get better. 3563 (2) Who said things would get better? 3564% 3565Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. 3566 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star 3567% 3568Eleanor Rigby 3569 Sits at the keyboard 3570 And waits for a line on the screen 3571Lives in a dream 3572Waits for a signal 3573 Finding some code 3574 That will make the machine do some more. 3575What is it for? 3576 3577All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 3578All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 3579% 3580Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. 3581% 3582 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, 3583called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you 3584have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in 3585most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the 3586time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could 3587have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, 3588although God alone knows why it would want to. 3589 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, 3590direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes 3591have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one 3592direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents 3593harmful electron buildup in the wires. 3594 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 3595% 3596Electrocution, n.: 3597 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. 3598% 3599Elevators smell different to midgets 3600% 3601Emerson's Law of Contrariness: 3602 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we 3603can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. 3604% 3605Encyclopedia Salesmen: 3606 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police 3607and tell them your house is being burgled. 3608 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 3609% 3610Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. 3611Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. 3612 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 3613% 3614Entropy isn't what it used to be. 3615% 3616Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which 3617otherwise require harder thinking. 3618 -- Jerome Lettvin 3619% 3620Epperson's law: 3621 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably 3622something his wife can beat him at. 3623% 3624Equal bytes for women. 3625% 3626Error in operator: add beer 3627% 3628Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 3629 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 3630Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven 3631 Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. 3632 -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" 3633% 3634Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. 3635 -- Woody Allen 3636% 3637Etymology, n.: 3638 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that 3639were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed 3640from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" 3641("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." 3642 -- Mike Kellen 3643% 3644Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to 3645speak it to? 3646 -- Clarence Darrow 3647% 3648"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit 3649there." 3650 -- Will Rogers 3651% 3652"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral." 3653 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 3654% 3655Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United 3656States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a 3657day. 3658% 3659Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you 3660just how busy they are. 3661% 3662Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, 3663exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." 3664All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with 3665spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: 3666Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please 3667take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something? 3668My wife is available. No. How about ..." 3669 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 3670% 3671Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. 3672% 3673Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. 3674% 3675Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this 3676woman and stop her. 3677% 3678"Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one 3679idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's 3680sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all 3681of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two 3682highly-motivated, caustic twits." 3683 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet 3684% 3685Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired 3686signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not 3687fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not 3688spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the 3689genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way 3690of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is 3691humanity hanging on a cross of iron. 3692 -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 3693% 3694Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): 3695 3696Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in 3697front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an 3698odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even 3699and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of 3700legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, 3701there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse 3702of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same 3703color"], that does not exist. 3704% 3705Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. 3706 -- Frank Moore Colby 3707% 3708Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. 3709% 3710Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. 3711 -- Don Vonada 3712% 3713"Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95." 3714% 3715Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. 3716 -- Miguel de Cervantes 3717% 3718"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the 3719richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work" 3720 -- Robert Orben 3721% 3722Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. 3723 3724It makes sense, when you don't think about it. 3725% 3726Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one 3727instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every 3728program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. 3729% 3730Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and 3731another for which it wasn't. 3732% 3733Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. 3734% 3735Every solution breeds new problems. 3736% 3737Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no 3738guarantee of eventual success. 3739% 3740"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it." 3741% 3742Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. 3743 -- Beckett 3744% 3745Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 3746 -- Dykstra 3747% 3748Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 3749% 3750Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be 3751taught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers. 3752% 3753Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to 3754realize it. 3755% 3756Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic 3757formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the 3758scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact 3759wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of 3760existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to 3761discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the 3762problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the 3763mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, 3764one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely 3765different way ... 3766 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 3767% 3768Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it. 3769% 3770Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, 3771no one we know belongs. 3772% 3773Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being 3774that a belch is more satisfying. 3775 -- Ingmar Bergman 3776% 3777Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. 3778% 3779Everything you know is wrong! 3780% 3781Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 3782obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 3783solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. 3784There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 3785straight lines. 3786 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 3787% 3788 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping 3789mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as 3790"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you 3791how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", 3792"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night 3793So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. 3794 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 3795% 3796Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler. 3797% 3798Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. 3799% 3800Excellent day to have a rotten day. 3801% 3802Excellent time to become a missing person. 3803% 3804Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from 3805acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 3806 -- W. Somerset Maugham 3807% 3808Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. 3809% 3810Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do 3811the work. 3812 -- John G. Pollard 3813% 3814Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. 3815% 3816Expense Accounts, n.: 3817 Corporate food stamps. 3818% 3819Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 3820 -- Olivier 3821% 3822Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake 3823when you make it again. 3824 -- F. P. Jones 3825% 3826Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and 3827the instruction afterward. 3828% 3829Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old 3830ones. 3831% 3832Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. 3833% 3834Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 3835% 3836Expert, n.: 3837 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. 3838% 3839Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: 3840 3841 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE 3842 3843To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully 3844cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand 3845corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and 3846address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- 3847to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower 3848left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card 3849below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your 3850computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL 3851SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card 3852(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the 3853Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be 3854disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print 3855this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and 3856completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. 3857% 3858F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! 3859% 3860f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. 3861% 3862f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. 3863% 3864F: When into a room I plunge, I 3865 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. 3866 Then I linger, darkly brooding 3867 On the poison they're exuding. 3868 -- The Roguelet's ABC 3869% 3870Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. 3871% 3872Fairy Tale, n.: 3873 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. 3874% 3875Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic 3876without looking to see whether the seeds move. 3877% 3878Faith, n: 3879 That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be 3880untrue. 3881% 3882Fakir, n: 3883 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost 3884religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to 3885have shinnied up a rope and vanished. 3886% 3887Familiarity breeds attempt 3888% 3889Families, when a child is born 3890Want it to be intelligent. 3891I, through intelligence, 3892Having wrecked my whole life, 3893Only hope the baby will prove 3894Ignorant and stupid. 3895Then he will crown a tranquil life 3896By becoming a Cabinet Minister 3897 -- Su Tung-p'o 3898% 3899Famous last words: 3900% 3901Famous last words: 3902 (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." 3903 (2) "You and what army?" 3904 (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be 3905 a cop." 3906% 3907Famous last words: 3908 (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 3909 (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 3910 (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- 3911 (4) We won't need reservations. 3912 (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year. 3913 (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded. 3914 (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. 3915% 3916Famous, adj.: 3917 Conspicuously miserable. 3918 -- Ambrose Bierce 3919% 3920Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the 3921Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. 3922Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an 3923utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life 3924forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches 3925are a pretty neat idea ... 3926 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 3927% 3928Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it 3929every six months. 3930 -- Oscar Wilde 3931% 3932Fats Loves Madelyn 3933% 3934Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... 3935% 3936Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, 3937neither will you. 3938% 3939 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each 3940other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around 3941the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors 3942d'oeuvres. 3943 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes 3944to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your 3945Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright 3946piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. 3947 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with 3948inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down 3949other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and 3950placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when 3951the little hammers strike. 3952 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over 3953their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning 3954Christmas tree. The piano is missing. 3955 3956 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless 3957you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 39584. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. 3959% 3960Fifth Law of Applied Terror: 3961 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 3962 3963Corollary: 3964 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you 3965live. 3966% 3967Fifth Law of Procrastination: 3968 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that 3969there is nothing important to do. 3970% 3971Fifty flippant frogs 3972Walked by on flippered feet 3973And with their slime they made the time 3974Unnaturally fleet. 3975% 3976 FIGHTING WORDS 3977 3978Say my love is easy had, 3979 Say I'm bitten raw with pride, 3980Say I am too often sad -- 3981 Still behold me at your side. 3982 3983Say I'm neither brave nor young, 3984 Say I woo and coddle care, 3985Say the devil touched my tongue -- 3986 Still you have my heart to wear. 3987 3988But say my verses do not scan, 3989 And I get me another man! 3990 -- Dorothy Parker 3991% 3992Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North 3993Carolina. 3994% 3995Finagle's Creed: 3996 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 3997% 3998Finagle's First Law: 3999 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 4000% 4001Finagle's fourth Law: 4002 Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes 4003it worse. 4004% 4005Finagle's Second Law: 4006 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be 4007someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it 4008happened according to his own pet theory. 4009% 4010Finagle's Third Law: 4011 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, 4012 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake 4013 4014Corollaries: 4015 (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 4016 (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really 4017 don't want to hear, will see it immediately. 4018% 4019Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture 4020on a rock. 4021 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 4022% 4023Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. 4024% 4025Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. 4026% 4027Fine's Corollary: 4028 Functionality breeds Contempt. 4029% 4030Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: 4031 4032 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." 4033 4034Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: 4035 4036 P.O. Box 35 4037 Baffled Greek, Michigan 4038% 4039First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: 4040 Machines that piss people off get murdered. 4041 -- Pat Taber 4042% 4043First Law of Bicycling: 4044 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the 4045wind. 4046% 4047First Law of Procrastination: 4048 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility 4049for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed 4050the deadline). 4051% 4052First Law of Socio-Genetics: 4053 Celibacy is not hereditary. 4054% 4055First Rule of History: 4056 History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each 4057other. 4058% 4059"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order" 4060 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 4061% 4062First, a few words about tools. 4063 4064Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of 4065the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously 4066injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If 4067you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look 4068particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for 4069granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. 4070 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 4071% 4072Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. 4073 -- Robert Firth 4074% 4075Flappity, floppity, flip 4076The mouse on the m"obius strip; 4077 The strip revolved, 4078 The mouse dissolved 4079In a chronodimensional skip. 4080% 4081FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when 4082the little hand is on the .... 4083% 4084Flon's Law: 4085 There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is 4086the least bit difficult to write bad programs. 4087% 4088Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her 4089husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my 4090joules!" 4091 4092"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux 4093a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." 4094 4095"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them 4096in my burette ... We must call a copper." 4097 4098Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, 4099said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name 4100of Lawrence Ium. 4101 4102"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and 4103dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can 4104catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an 4105activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... 4106 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" 4107% 4108flowchart, n. & v.: 4109 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart 4110"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 41111. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction 4112problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation 4113using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic 4114doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for 4115wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A 4116thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's 4117Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce 4118flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate 4119(a problem) with esoteric cartoons. 4120 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 4121% 4122Flugg's Law: 4123 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the 4124world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. 4125% 4126Flying saucers on occasion 4127 Show themselves to human eyes. 4128Aliens fume, put off invasion 4129 While they brand these tales as lies. 4130% 4131Fog Lamps, n.: 4132 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the 4133fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the 4134driver's brain is in a fog. 4135 4136See also "Idiot Lights". 4137% 4138Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. 4139 -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo" 4140% 4141For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ... 4142% 4143For a good time, call (415) 642-9483 4144% 4145For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a 4146cat. 4147% 4148"For an adequate time call 555-3321" 4149% 4150For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be 4151always old-fashioned. 4152% 4153For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, 4154and wrong. 4155 -- H. L. Mencken 4156% 4157For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. 4158 -- R. Clopton 4159% 4160 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence 4161of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." 4162 4163 "Whose?" 4164 4165 "MINE! HA-HA!" 4166% 4167For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. 4168% 4169For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire 4170life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days 4171now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets 4172when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch 4173in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have 4174the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which 4175means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are 4176advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are 4177the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their 4178names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot 4179("part of this complete breakfast"). 4180 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 4181% 4182For perfect happiness, remember two things: 4183 (1) Be content with what you've got. 4184 (2) Be sure you've got plenty. 4185% 4186For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say 4187"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. 4188 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to 4189 the U.S. 4190% 4191For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. 4192% 4193"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of 4194a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with 4195computers altogether?" 4196 -- Jehan Shuman 4197% 4198For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they 4199like. 4200 -- Abraham Lincoln 4201% 4202"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but 4203phone calls taper off." 4204 -- Johnny Carson 4205% 4206For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- 4207I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. 4208But now I think a thought that brings me hope: 4209Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. 4210 -- Justin Richardson. 4211% 4212For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! 4213% 4214Forgetfulness, n.: 4215 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their 4216destitution of conscience. 4217% 4218Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. 4219% 4220FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6 4221 4222RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. 4223 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and 4224 arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating 4225 hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. 4226% 4227fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: 4228 4229 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. 4230 "Hey you, get off my plate" 4231 -- Roger Midnight 4232% 4233Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: 4234 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" 4235% 4236Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): 4237 4238 Don't Write On Walls! 4239 4240 (and underneath) 4241 4242 You want I should type? 4243% 4244Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): 4245 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this 4246State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed 4247with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females 4248weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it 4249apply to female horses. 4250% 4251Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful 4252Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an 4253impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and 4254clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following 4255exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. 4256 4257DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are 4258 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. 4259HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? 4260DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter 4261 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out 4262 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large 4263 amounts of fertilization ... 4264HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many 4265 teenagers who read The Congressional Record. 4266% 4267Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: 4268 4269 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. 4270% 4271FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 4272 4273Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good 4274liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and 4275light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything 4276drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. 4277% 4278Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: 4279 4280Q: Are you married? 4281A: No, I'm divorced. 4282Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? 4283A: A lot of things I didn't know about. 4284% 4285Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: 4286 4287Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 4288A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. 4289% 4290Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: 4291 4292THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present 4293 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have 4294 any ... 4295% 4296Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: 4297 4298Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? 4299A: I will be three months November 8th. 4300Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? 4301A: Yes. 4302Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? 4303% 4304Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: 4305 4306Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? 4307A: No. 4308Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? 4309A: Picking them up in the air. 4310Q: Where was the dog at this time? 4311A: Attached to the ears. 4312% 4313Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: 4314 4315Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were 4316 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to 4317 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with 4318 him to the station? 4319MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. 4320% 4321Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: 4322 4323Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? 4324A: By death. 4325Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 4326% 4327Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: 4328 4329Q: What is your name? 4330A: Ernestine McDowell. 4331Q: And what is your marital status? 4332A: Fair. 4333% 4334Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: 4335 4336Q: What happened then? 4337A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify 4338 me." 4339Q: Did he kill you? 4340A: No. 4341% 4342fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. 4343% 4344Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri 4345sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. 4346 4347Oh, and have a nice day! 4348 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 4349% 4350Fourth Law of Applied Terror: 4351 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology 4352instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 4353 4354Corollary: 4355 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do 4356except study for that instructor's course. 4357% 4358Fourth Law of Revision: 4359 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about 4360interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. 4361% 4362Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not 4363almost one, it is damn near zero. 4364 -- David Ellis 4365% 4366Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a 4367policeman's tie. 4368% 4369Fresco's Discovery: 4370 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. 4371% 4372Friends, Romans, Hipsters, 4373Let me clue you in; 4374I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. 4375The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; 4376The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus 4377Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; 4378If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, 4379And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. 4380Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; 4381So are they all, all cool cats, -- 4382Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. 4383% 4384Frisbeetarianism, n.: 4385 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and 4386gets stuck. 4387% 4388Frobnicate, v.: 4389 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. 4390Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a 4391frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK 4392sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless 4393manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse 4394search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is 4395turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it 4396he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the 4397screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because 4398turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. 4399% 4400Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: 4401 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to 4402electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to 4403FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and 4404FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. 4405FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure 4406via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be 4407applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. 4408% 4409[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology 4410Association, in Rome]: 4411 4412The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria 4413and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not 4414spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, 4415or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in 4416millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have 4417reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology 4418engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, 4419president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social 4420schizophrenia in mass genocide. 4421% 4422From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973: 4423 4424Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and 4425the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the 4426Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his 4427candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground 4428nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, 4429other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not 4430qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their 4431being nuts (unground)." 4432% 4433From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was 4434convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 4435 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" 4436% 4437[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made 4438in Japan]: 4439 4440The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT 4441MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is 4442featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality 4443against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", 4444"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 4445Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile 4446operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. 4447 4448And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help 4449achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by 4450HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. 4451% 4452From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the 4453instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new 4454experience in sound: 4455 4456 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading 4457 sound is normal for this type of connector. 4458% 4459From too much love of living, 4460From hope and fear set free, 4461We thank with brief thanksgiving, 4462Whatever gods may be, 4463That no life lives forever, 4464That dead men rise up never, 4465That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. 4466 -- Swinburne 4467% 4468Fuch's Warning: 4469 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well 4470enough to travel. 4471% 4472Fudd's First Law of Opposition: 4473 Push something hard enough and it will fall over. 4474% 4475Furbling, v.: 4476 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 4477even when you are the only person in line. 4478 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4479% 4480Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 4481 -- H. H. Williams 4482% 4483Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. 4484% 4485G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One 4486of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his 4487secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says 4488`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And 4489that's your chance, my boy." 4490% 4491Garbage In -- Gospel Out. 4492% 4493Garter, n.: 4494 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her 4495stockings and desolating the country. 4496 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4497% 4498Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall 4499on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! 4500 -- Adventures of Asterix. 4501% 4502Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". 4503 4504 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound 4505than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: 4506 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." 4507Obvious, isn't it? 4508 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start 4509speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as 4510long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all 4511your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and 4512so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed 4513individuals and then grow ... 4514 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those 4515signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when 4516everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on 4517the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs 4518backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I 4519think not, my friend, I think not. 4520 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4521% 4522 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an 4523extracurricular activity except you." 4524 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" 4525 "Only to ten, Mudhead." 4526 4527 -- Firesign Theater 4528% 4529"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore." 4530% 4531GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 4532 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you 4533because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much 4534for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for 4535committing incest. 4536% 4537GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) 4538 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while 4539you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise 4540and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short 4541trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. 4542% 4543Genderplex, n.: 4544 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 4545determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and 4546tortoises). 4547 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4548% 4549Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why 4550you should. 4551% 4552Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus 4553handicapped. 4554 -- Elbert Hubbard 4555% 4556Genius, n.: 4557 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with 4558"bright". 4559% 4560George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. 4561 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 4562% 4563George Orwell was an optimist. 4564% 4565George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to 4566have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. 4567 -- Ashley Cooper 4568% 4569Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 4570 (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong 4571 direction. 4572 (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 4573 (3) The energy required to change either one of these states 4574 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so 4575 much as to make the task totally impossible. 4576% 4577Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. 4578% 4579 Get GUMMed 4580 --- ------ 4581The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 45821, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above 4583the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep 4584each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered 4585chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek 4586nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three 4587days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two 4588seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- 4589friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is 4590Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis 4591"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You 4592Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because 4593all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we 4594could tell them. 4595 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 4596% 4597Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! 4598% 4599 -- Gifts for Children -- 4600 4601This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, 4602because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months 4603and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- 4604morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children 4605exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If 4606your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You 4607Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it 4608might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe 4609me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child 4610who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. 4611 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 4612% 4613 -- Gifts for Men -- 4614 4615Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional 4616ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you 4617should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the 4618clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For 4619example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only 4620three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, 4621that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh 4622at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). 4623So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several 4624years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will 4625pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. 4626 4627If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More 4628than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set 4629of tires. 4630 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 4631% 4632 Gimmie That Old Time Religion 4633We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, 4634Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, 4635I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, 4636And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! 4637 (chorus) (chorus) 4638 4639In the church of Aphrodite, 4640The priestess wears a see-through nightie, 4641She's a mighty righteous sightie, 4642And she's good enough for me! 4643 (chorus) 4644 4645CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, 4646 Give me that old time religion, 4647 Give me that old time religion, 4648 'Cause it's good enough for me! 4649% 4650Ginsberg's Theorem: 4651 (1) You can't win. 4652 (2) You can't break even. 4653 (3) You can't even quit the game. 4654 4655Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: 4656 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem 4657 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's 4658 Theorem. To wit: 4659 4660 (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 4661 (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break 4662 even. 4663 (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the 4664 game. 4665% 4666Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place 4667to stand, and I will drain the world. 4668% 4669"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war." 4670 -- Napolean 4671% 4672Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! 4673% 4674Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to 4675a new town. 4676% 4677Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. 4678% 4679"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying 4680around, I'd rather lie around. No contest." 4681 -- Eric Clapton 4682% 4683Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: 4684Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP 4685machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. 4686 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 4687% 4688Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: 4689 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the 4690probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some 4691useful work done. 4692% 4693Gnagloot, n.: 4694 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to 4695impress people. 4696 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4697% 4698Go 'way! You're bothering me! 4699% 4700Go climb a gravity well! 4701% 4702Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may 4703be in owning a piece thereof. 4704 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 4705% 4706//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH 4707% 4708God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six 4709days and then pulled an all-nighter. 4710% 4711God doesn't play dice. 4712 -- Albert Einstein 4713% 4714"God gives burdens; also shoulders" 4715 4716Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the 4717end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I 4718can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why 4719would he lie about a thing like that? 4720 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4721% 4722God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... 4723The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do 4724not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman 4725... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on 4726smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and 4727water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in 4728the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at 4729night! 4730 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher 4731% 4732God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh 4733% 4734God is a polythiest 4735% 4736God is Dead 4737 -- Nietzsche 4738Nietzsche is Dead 4739 -- God 4740Nietzsche is God 4741 -- The Dead 4742% 4743God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's 4744% 4745God is real, unless declared integer. 4746% 4747God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the 4748elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying 4749other things. 4750 -- Pablo Picasso 4751% 4752God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. 4753 -- Alfred Jarry 4754% 4755God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. 4756% 4757God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. 4758% 4759God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board 4760 -- Mark Twain 4761% 4762God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. 4763 -- Kronecker 4764% 4765God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. 4766% 4767God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. 4768 -- Albert Einstein 4769% 4770God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. 4771% 4772God rest ye CS students now, 4773Let nothing you dismay. 4774The VAX is down and won't be up, 4775Until the first of May. 4776The program that was due this morn, 4777Won't be postponed, they say. 4778 4779 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, 4780 Comfort and joy, 4781 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. 4782 4783The bearings on the drum are gone, 4784The disk is wobbling, too. 4785We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol 4786Can't tell false from true. 4787And now we find that we can't get 4788At Berkeley's 4.2. 4789 4790 (chorus) 4791% 4792Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to 4793school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a 4794person a car. 4795% 4796Gold, n.: 4797 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It 4798is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who 4799immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold 4800hasn't done anything to them. 4801 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 4802% 4803Goldenstern's Rules: 4804 (1) Always hire a rich attorney 4805 (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. 4806% 4807Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad 4808example. 4809 -- La Rouchefoucauld 4810% 4811Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. 4812% 4813Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. 4814% 4815Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. 4816% 4817Good day to let down old friends who need help. 4818% 4819Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. 4820% 4821Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 4822% 4823Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. 4824% 4825Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's 4826new lover. 4827% 4828"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored." 4829 -- George Saunders' dying words 4830% 4831Gordon's first law: 4832 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing 4833well. 4834% 4835"Gosh that takes me back ... or forward. That's the trouble with time 4836travel, you never can tell." 4837 -- Dr. Who 4838% 4839Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with 4840time travel, you never can tell." 4841 -- Doctor Who "Androids of Tara" 4842% 4843Got Mole problems? 4844Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23 4845% 4846Goto, n.: 4847 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers 4848to complain about unstructured programmers. 4849 -- Ray Simard 4850% 4851Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. 4852 -- John Updike, "Couples" 4853% 4854Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are 4855different lies. 4856% 4857Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know 4858any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he 4859doesn't know much. 4860 -- Will Rogers 4861% 4862Grabel's Law: 4863 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. 4864% 4865Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. 4866% 4867Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture. 4868% 4869Grandpa Charnock's Law: 4870 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 4871% 4872Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. 4873% 4874Gray's Law of Programming: 4875 `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same 4876time as `_n' tasks. 4877 4878Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 4879 `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks. 4880% 4881Great minds run in great circles. 4882% 4883 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 4884 4885On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- 4886Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them 4887off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I 4888wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his 4889mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a 4890tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men 4891stood lookout. 4892% 4893Green light in a.m. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic 4894tickets. 4895% 4896Greener's Law: 4897 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. 4898% 4899Grelb's Reminder: 4900 Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above 4901average drivers. 4902% 4903"Grub first, then ethics." 4904 -- Bertolt Brecht 4905% 4906Gurmlish, n.: 4907 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which 4908prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his 4909mouth. 4910 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 4911% 4912Gyroscope, n.: 4913 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also 4914free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each 4915other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two 4916mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the 4917other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus 4918offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any 4919torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. 4920 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary 4921% 4922H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. 4923Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 4924 -- Maxwell Bodenheim 4925% 4926H. L. Mencken's Law: 4927 Those who can -- do. 4928 Those who can't -- teach. 4929 4930Martin's Extension: 4931 Those who cannot teach -- administrate. 4932% 4933H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, 4934 Slice him up before he slays you. 4935 Nothing makes you look a slob 4936 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). 4937 -- The Roguelet's ABC 4938% 4939Hacker's Law: 4940 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a 4941nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 4942% 4943Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. 4944% 4945... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, 4946and you would not have been informed. 4947% 4948Hail to the sun god 4949He sure is a fun god 4950Ra! Ra! Ra! 4951% 4952Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big 4953enough majority in any town? 4954 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" 4955% 4956Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.) 4957% 4958Half-done: 4959 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still 4960crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference 4961between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like 4962the difference between life and death. 4963 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill 4964there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the 4965airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough 4966Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on 4967Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk 4968about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the 4969man, "Let me have a nice half-done." 4970 Worth the trouble, wasn't it? 4971 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4972% 4973Hall's Laws of Politics: 4974 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 4975 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something 4976 fixed. 4977 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend 4978 military spending, and conservatives social spending in 4979 their own districts). 4980% 4981Hand, n.: 4982 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and 4983commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. 4984 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4985% 4986Hanlon's Razor: 4987 Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by 4988stupidity. 4989% 4990Hanson's Treatment of Time: 4991 There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days 4992before Saturday. 4993% 4994Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. 4995 -- Ogden Nash 4996% 4997Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. 4998 -- Oscar Levant 4999% 5000Happiness, n.: 5001 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of 5002another. 5003 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5004% 5005Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances? 5006% 5007Hardware, n.: 5008 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 5009% 5010Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand 5011convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. 5012 -- Tobias Smollet 5013% 5014Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark 5015The Duke is fond of kittens 5016He likes to take their insides out 5017And use them for his mittens 5018 From "The Thirteen Clocks" 5019% 5020Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, 5021Advertising wondrous things. 5022 -- Tom Lehrer 5023% 5024Harris's Lament: 5025 All the good ones are taken. 5026% 5027Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: 5028 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment 5029ruined. 5030% 5031Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he 5032makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean 5033famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses 5034probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you 5035have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like 5036enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their 5037attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock 5038down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, 5039just like Richard Nixon." 5040 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" 5041% 5042Hartley's First Law: 5043 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float 5044on his back, you've got something. 5045% 5046Hartley's Second Law: 5047 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 5048% 5049Harvard Law: 5050 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, 5051temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will 5052do as it damn well pleases. 5053% 5054"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" 5055"Yes, I don't have one." 5056"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..." 5057 -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372 5058% 5059Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are 5060typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter 5061keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use 5062of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is 5063not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. 5064% 5065 Has your family tried 'em? 5066 5067 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 5068 5069 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! 5070 5071 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the 5072 strength to get up and do what needs to be done. 5073 5074 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 5075 5076 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the 5077 biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains 5078 that indicate freshness. 5079% 5080Hatred, n.: 5081 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's 5082superiority. 5083 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5084% 5085Have an adequate day. 5086% 5087Have an adequate day. 5088% 5089Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is 5090to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a 5091non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? 5092 5093Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This 5094still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or 5095only serves to blunt the warning signs. 5096 5097 Long live the revolution! 5098 Have a nice day. 5099% 5100Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell 5101you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time 5102for play? 5103% 5104Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, 5105I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container 5106filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite 5107sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in 5108their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or 5109mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why 5110they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. 5111 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 5112% 5113"Have you lived here all your life?" 5114"Oh, twice that long." 5115% 5116Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a 5117crack in your sidewalk? 5118% 5119Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline 5120sharply the minute they start waving guns around? 5121 -- Dr. Who 5122% 5123Have you reconsidered a computer career? 5124% 5125"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental 5126effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable 5127perversion." 5128 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" 5129% 5130"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions" 5131% 5132He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation 5133perfectly delightful. 5134 -- Sydney Smith 5135% 5136He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and 5137heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope 5138of ever behaving "normally." 5139 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 5140% 5141He hadn't a single redeeming vice. 5142 -- Oscar Wilde 5143% 5144"He is now rising from affluence to poverty." 5145 -- Mark Twain 5146% 5147He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. 5148% 5149He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. 5150 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 5151% 5152He thought he saw an albatross 5153That fluttered 'round the lamp. 5154He looked again and saw it was 5155A penny postage stamp. 5156"You'd best be getting home," he said, 5157"The nights are rather damp." 5158% 5159He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. 5160 -- Jonathon Swift 5161% 5162"He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him 5163insufferable." 5164% 5165"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both 5166eyes ..." 5167% 5168He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry 5169attacks democracy itself. 5170 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS 5171% 5172He who Laughs, Lasts. 5173% 5174"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..." 5175% 5176He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be 5177there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. 5178% 5179"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..." 5180% 5181HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. 5182SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains. 5183 -- Walt Kelley 5184% 5185Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 5186% 5187Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying 5188of nothing. 5189 -- Redd Foxx 5190% 5191Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying 5192of nothing. 5193 -- Redd Foxx 5194% 5195Heaven, n.: 5196 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of 5197their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you 5198expound your own. 5199 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5200% 5201Heavy, adj.: 5202 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. 5203% 5204"Heisenberg may have slept here" 5205% 5206Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. 5207 -- Milton Friedman 5208% 5209Heller's Law: 5210 The first myth of management is that it exists. 5211 5212Johnson's Corollary: 5213 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the 5214organization. 5215% 5216"Hello," he lied. 5217 -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent 5218% 5219Help a swallow land at Capistrano. 5220% 5221Help fight continental drift. 5222% 5223Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! 5224% 5225Help stamp out and abolish redundancy. 5226% 5227Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! 5228% 5229HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! 5230 -- E. E. CUMMINGS 5231% 5232Her locks an ancient lady gave 5233Her loving husband's life to save; 5234And men -- they honored so the dame -- 5235Upon some stars bestowed her name. 5236 5237But to our modern married fair, 5238Who'd give their lords to save their hair, 5239No stellar recognition's given. 5240There are not stars enough in heaven. 5241% 5242"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from 5243Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..." 5244% 5245Here I sit, broken-hearted, 5246All logged in, but work unstarted. 5247First net.this and net.that, 5248And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. 5249 5250The boss comes by, and I play the game, 5251Then I turn back to net.flame. 5252Is there a cure (I need your views), 5253For someone trapped in net.news? 5254 5255I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 5256'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. 5257% 5258Here in my heart, I am Helen; 5259 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. 5260I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el; 5261 I'm Salome, moon of the East. 5262 5263Here in my soul I am Sappho; 5264 Lady Hamilton am I, as well. 5265In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, 5266 With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. 5267 5268I'm all of the glamorous ladies 5269 At whose beckoning history shook. 5270But you are a man, and see only my pan, 5271 So I stay at home with a book. 5272 -- Dorothy Parker 5273% 5274Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical 5275lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach 5276your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. 5277Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in 5278pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, 5279but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an 5280important electrical lesson. 5281 5282It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed 5283your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small 5284objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will 5285attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and 5286collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your 5287friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the 5288carpet, thus completing the circuit. 5289 5290Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without 5291touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your 5292finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you 5293have carpeting. 5294 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 5295% 5296 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the 5297month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people 5298are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. 5299 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either 5300(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax 5301tadpole". 5302 Bite the wax tadpole. 5303 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 5304 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's 5305hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to 5306bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, 5307but broad satiric vistas do not open up. 5308 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle 5309% 5310"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 5311`Psychic Wins Lottery'?" 5312 -- Jay Leno 5313% 5314Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, 5315then they'd be algorithms. 5316% 5317"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" 5318 -- W. C. Fields 5319% 5320Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person 5321reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, 5322nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. 5323% 5324"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. 5325As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of 5326equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. 5327Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you 5328probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of 5329course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my 5330experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out 5331of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. 5332 5333"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our 5334motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'" 5335 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" 5336% 5337Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich; 5338Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich. 5339Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws 5340Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; 5341 We buried him today because 5342 As far as we can tell, he's dead. 5343 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty 5344 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; 5345 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter 5346 Schickele 5347% 5348Higgeldy Piggeldy, 5349Hamlet of Elsinore 5350Ruffled the critics by 5351Dropping this bomb: 5352"Phooey on Freud and his 5353Psychoanalysis -- 5354Oedipus, Shmoedipus, 5355I just love Mom." 5356% 5357Hindsight is an exact science. 5358% 5359Hippogriff, n.: 5360 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. 5361The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. 5362The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which 5363is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full 5364of surprises. 5365 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5366% 5367Hire the morally handicapped. 5368% 5369"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had 5370money, he went to Southern California." 5371% 5372"His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice" 5373 -- Foghorn Leghorn 5374% 5375"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier." 5376% 5377History is curious stuff 5378 You'd think by now we had enough 5379Yet the fact remains I fear 5380 They make more of it every year. 5381% 5382History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. 5383% 5384History, n.: 5385 Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we 5386learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from 5387what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long 5388view. 5389 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 5390% 5391Hlade's Law: 5392 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they 5393will find an easier way to do it. 5394% 5395Hoare's Law of Large Problems: 5396 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get 5397out. 5398% 5399Hofstadter's Law: 5400 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take 5401Hofstadter's Law into account. 5402% 5403Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. 5404 -- Rex Reed 5405% 5406 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's 5407willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop 5408for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say 5409"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home 5410centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas 5411trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise 5412because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every 5413object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ... 5414 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the 5415broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has 5416a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the 5417inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the 5418same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at 5419an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of 5420these sometime around the middle of next week". 5421 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 5422% 5423Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: 5424The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. 5425 -- Chris Shaw 5426% 5427"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense" 5428% 5429Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. 5430 -- F. M. Hubbard 5431% 5432Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." 5433% 5434Honk if you love peace and quiet. 5435% 5436Honorable, adj.: 5437 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative 5438bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the 5439honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." 5440 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5441% 5442Horngren's Observation: 5443 Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 5444% 5445Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on 5446people. 5447 -- W. C. Fields 5448% 5449Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 5450% 5451"Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed." 5452 -- Neil Armstrong 5453% 5454How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? 5455% 5456How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? 5457% 5458How come wrong numbers are never busy? 5459% 5460"How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows." 5461% 5462How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? 5463 -- Elliot, "E.T." 5464% 5465How doth the little crocodile 5466 Improve his shining tail, 5467And pour the waters of the Nile 5468 On every golden scale! 5469 5470How cheerfully he seems to grin, 5471 How neatly spreads his claws, 5472And welcomes little fishes in, 5473 With gently smiling jaws! 5474 -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" 5475% 5476How doth the VAX's C compiler 5477Improve its object code. 5478And even as we speak does it 5479Increase the system load. 5480 5481How patiently it seems to run 5482And spit out error flags, 5483While users, with frustration, all 5484Tear their clothes to rags. 5485% 5486How doth the VAX's C-compiler 5487Improve its object code. 5488And even as we speak does it 5489Increase the system load. 5490 5491How patiently it seems to run 5492And spit out error flags, 5493While users, with frustration, all 5494Tear all their clothes to rags. 5495% 5496How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're 5497on. 5498% 5499How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5500None: "We'll fix it in software." 5501 5502How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5503None: "We'll document it in the manual." 5504 5505How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5506None: "The user can work it out." 5507% 5508"How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being 5509carried by a waiter at a nice party?" 5510 5511Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors 5512d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell 5513what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then 5514say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it 5515back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another 5516cheese!" and so on. 5517 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 5518% 5519 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 55203.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, 5521who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a 5522nanocentury. 5523 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs 5524% 5525How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to 5526Dayton? 5527 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey 5528% 5529How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. 5530% 5531How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. 5532% 5533HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5534 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. 5535% 5536HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5537 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. 5538% 5539HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5540 5541 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of 5542 you. 5543% 5544Howe's Law: 5545 Everyone has a scheme that will not work. 5546% 5547However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional 5548manner ... sulking and nausea. 5549 -- Tom K. Ryan 5550% 5551HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., 5552motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate 5553amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. 5554The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the 5555Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the 5556bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on 5557the bill. Agreed to. 5558 -- Albuquerque Journal 5559% 5560 Hug O' War 5561 5562I will not play at tug o' war. 5563I'd rather play at hug o' war, 5564Where everyone hugs 5565Instead of tugs, 5566Where everyone giggles 5567And rolls on the rug, 5568Where everyone kisses, 5569And everyone grins, 5570And everyone cuddles, 5571And everyone wins. 5572 -- Shel Silverstein 5573% 5574Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. 5575% 5576Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 55771929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an 5578operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral 5579catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of 5580his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took 5581the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the 5582Nobel Prize. 5583% 5584Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. 5585% 5586"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." 5587 -- William Gilbert 5588% 5589Hurewitz's Memory Principle: 5590 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional 5591to ..... to ........ uh .............. 5592% 5593I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a 5594professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any 5595other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. 5596 -- Richard M. Nixon 5597 5598What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? 5599 -- Richard M. Nixon 5600% 5601"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder 5602have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. 5603This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's 5604reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go 5605by some more." 5606 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM 5607% 5608I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. 5609% 5610"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!" 5611 -- Paul McCracken 5612% 5613"I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger." 5614 -- Gloria Steinem 5615% 5616I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. 5617 -- Dennis Ritchie 5618% 5619"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." 5620 -- English Professor 5621% 5622"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the 5623great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." 5624 -- Winston Churchill 5625% 5626"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone 5627has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." 5628 -- English Professor, Ohio University 5629% 5630I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast 5631with an option to buy. 5632% 5633"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater." 5634% 5635"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, 5636of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell 5637you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial 5638atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something 5639inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering." 5640 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan 5641% 5642"I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of 5643the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for 5644you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway." 5645 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, 5646 University of Tennessee at Knoxville 5647% 5648"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an 5649argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and 5650steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, 5651they don't even invite me." 5652 -- Dave Barry 5653% 5654'I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean." 5655 -- G. K. Chesterton 5656% 5657"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat." 5658 -- Will Rogers 5659% 5660"I bet the human brain is a kludge." 5661 -- Marvin Minsky 5662% 5663I brake for chezlogs! 5664% 5665I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. 5666 -- Biff Barf 5667% 5668I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan 5669prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very 5670bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after 5671relentless day. 5672 -- Betty MacDonald 5673% 5674I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 5675% 5676"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 567725 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be 5678true." 5679 -- Harry Truman 5680% 5681"I can resist anything but temptation." 5682% 5683"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do." 5684 -- Joe Walsh 5685% 5686"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling." 5687 -- Florence Henderson 5688% 5689I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can 5690understand it. 5691 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands. 5692% 5693I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a 5694novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. 5695 -- Fred Allen 5696% 5697"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions." 5698 -- Lillian Hellman 5699% 5700I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate 5701of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... 5702 -- F. H. Wales (1936) 5703% 5704I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. 5705 5706What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good 5707grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause 5708of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the 5709United States would have lost World War II." 5710 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" 5711% 5712 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering 5713voice. 5714 "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of 5715course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which 5716I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in 5717Elven-lore: 5718 5719 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, 5720 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. 5721 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, 5722 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. 5723 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. 5724 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. 5725 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. 5726 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." 5727% 5728" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights 5729instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is 5730standing still ..." 5731 -- Steven Wright 5732% 5733I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather 5734dance with the cows till you come home. 5735 -- Groucho Marx 5736% 5737"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps 5738the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..." 5739 -- Peter Oakley 5740% 5741"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it." 5742% 5743I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The 5744curtain was up. 5745% 5746 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because 5747we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently 5748leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, 5749in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had 5750time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the 5751library, we could call each other up: 5752 5753 You: Hello? Bob? 5754 Bob: Yes? 5755 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you 5756 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? 5757 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? 5758 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: 5759 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. 5760 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill 5761 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto 5762 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to 5763 have to get back to you. 5764 Bob: Fine. 5765 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 5766% 5767I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an 5768exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to 5769minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary 5770accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a 5771mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the 5772bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always 5773different. 5774 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) 5775% 5776"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." 5777 -- Isaac Asimov 5778% 5779"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us 5780with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use." 5781 -- Galileo Galilei 5782% 5783"I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should." 5784 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 5785% 5786"I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians 5787don't believe in astrology." 5788 -- James R. F. Quirk 5789% 5790I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just 5791a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more 5792numbers!! 5793% 5794I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of 5795a frog jumping on my Breakfast. 5796 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 5797% 5798"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the 5799nominating" 5800 -- Boss Tweed 5801% 5802"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." 5803 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 5804% 5805"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of 5806people waiting to abuse me." 5807 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 5808% 5809I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. 5810 -- Elvis Presley 5811% 5812"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." 5813 -- Elvis Presley 5814% 5815 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said 5816 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- 5817till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for 5818you!'" 5819 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice 5820objected. 5821 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful 5822tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor 5823less." 5824 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean 5825so many different things." 5826 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- 5827that's all." 5828 -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" 5829% 5830"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd 5831eat it, and I just hate it." 5832 -- Clarence Darrow 5833% 5834"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path." 5835 -- Ronald Mabbitt 5836% 5837I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the 5838streets and frighten the horses. 5839 -- Victor Hugo 5840% 5841"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?" 5842% 5843"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished. 5844% 5845"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other 5846hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." 5847% 5848I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that 5849the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is 5850thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists 5851broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. 5852Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off 5853their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... 5854 -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE 5855 COMING!" 5856% 5857I doubt, therefore I might be. 5858% 5859"I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business 5860on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment 5861he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual 5862becoming, with a goal in front and not behind." 5863 -- George Bernard Shaw 5864% 5865"I drink to make other people interesting." 5866 -- George Jean Nathan 5867% 5868I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, 5869so I woke up from sheer boredom. 5870% 5871I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the 5872accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For 5873the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that 5874can't be measured in monetary terms. 5875 5876Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have 5877that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by 5878subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should 5879someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly 5880understand his long delay. 5881% 5882"I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words." 5883% 5884"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very 5885reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment." 5886 -- Gotama Buddha 5887% 5888I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20 5889minutes of my life! 5890% 5891'I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it." 5892 -- Mae West 5893% 5894I get up each morning, gather my wits. 5895 Pick up the paper, read the obits. 5896If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 5897 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 5898% 5899I get up each morning, gather my wits. 5900Pick up the paper, read the obits. 5901If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 5902So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 5903 5904Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? 5905My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. 5906But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, 5907And think of the places my get-up has been. 5908 -- Pete Seeger 5909% 5910"I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler 5911Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!" 5912 -- Mary Lou Bax 5913% 5914"I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense." 5915% 5916"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means 5917it's going to be up all night." 5918 -- Steven Wright 5919% 5920"I hate quotations." 5921 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 5922% 5923I have a simple philosophy: 5924 5925 Fill what's empty. 5926 Empty what's full. 5927 Scratch where it itches. 5928 -- A. R. Longworth 5929% 5930"I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it 5931any time!" 5932% 5933"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, 5934which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'." 5935 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 5936% 5937I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth 5938and they never believe me. 5939 -- Camillo Di Cavour 5940% 5941I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. 5942 -- Edgar Allan Poe 5943% 5944"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You 5945sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an 5946eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I 5947have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of 5948beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a 5949guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more 5950of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry." 5951 -- President Harry S Truman 5952% 5953I have learned 5954To spell hors d'oeuvres 5955Which still grates on 5956Some people's n'oeuvres. 5957 -- Warren Knox 5958% 5959"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming 5960that I have never made one." 5961 -- James Gordon Bennett 5962% 5963"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to 5964make it shorter." 5965 -- Blaise Pascal 5966% 5967I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole 5968____BODY! 5969 -- from "Cerebus" #82 5970% 5971"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer." 5972 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 5973% 5974"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best." 5975 -- Oscar Wilde 5976% 5977"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it 5978scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it. 5979 -- Steven Wright 5980% 5981"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..." 5982 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 5983% 5984"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking 5985his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell 5986beating up a child." 5987 -- Steven Wright 5988% 5989I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked 5990at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. 5991 -- Poul Anderson 5992% 5993"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere." 5994% 5995"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it." 5996% 5997I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! 5998% 5999"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more." 6000 -- Bill Hoest 6001% 6002I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. 6003% 6004"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World 6005War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." 6006 -- Albert Einstein 6007% 6008"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! 6009The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building." 6010 -- Charles Schulz 6011% 6012"I like being single. I'm always there when I need me." 6013 -- Art Leo 6014% 6015I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to 6016promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want 6017peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of 6018the way and let them have it. 6019 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 6020% 6021"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours." 6022% 6023"I like your game but we have to change the rules." 6024% 6025"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what 6026entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils." 6027 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson 6028% 6029"I love to eat them Smurfies 6030 Smurfies what I love to eat 6031 Bite they ugly heads off, 6032 Nibble on they bluish feet." 6033% 6034"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but 6035don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the 6036speed of light." 6037 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk 6038% 6039"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." 6040 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 6041% 6042"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a 6043week sometimes to make it up." 6044 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" 6045% 6046I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts 6047% 6048"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do 6049was to go away." 6050% 6051"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like." 6052% 6053I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. 6054 -- G. B. Shaw 6055% 6056"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" 6057 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) 6058% 6059"I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the 6060kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled 6061substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no 6062restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we 6063made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given 6064powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative 6065nerve disease." 6066 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 6067% 6068I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! 6069% 6070"I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral 6071slob." 6072 -- William F. Buckley 6073% 6074 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of 6075that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put 6076more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it 6077might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not 6078otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be 6079otherwise.'" 6080 -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" 6081% 6082I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that 6083the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional 6084congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile 6085so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the 6086plumber. 6087 6088But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such 6089as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of 6090the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never 6091win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually 6092write about, such as nose-picking. 6093 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 6094 Political Fallout" 6095% 6096I really hate this damned machine 6097I wish that they would sell it. 6098It never does quite what I want 6099But only what I tell it. 6100% 6101"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person." 6102% 6103I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope 6104they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em. 6105 -- Will Rogers 6106% 6107I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, 6108I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. 6109Bernoulli would have been content to die 6110Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! 6111 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 6112% 6113I sent a letter to the fish, 6114I told them, "This is what I wish." 6115The little fishes of the sea, 6116They sent an answer back to me. 6117The little fishes' answer was 6118"We cannot do it, sir, because ..." 6119I sent a letter back to say 6120It would be better to obey. 6121But someone came to me and said 6122"The little fishes are in bed." 6123I said to him, and I said it plain 6124"Then you must wake them up again." 6125I said it very loud and clear, 6126I went and shouted in his ear. 6127But he was very stiff and proud, 6128He said "You needn't shout so loud." 6129And he was very proud and stiff, 6130He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." 6131I took a kettle from the shelf, 6132I went to wake them up myself. 6133But when I found the door was locked 6134I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, 6135And when I found the door was shut, 6136I tried to turn the handle, But ... 6137 6138 "Is that all?" asked Alice. 6139 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." 6140 -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" 6141% 6142"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck." 6143 -- Graffito in Los Angeles 6144% 6145"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was 6146supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which 6147actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." 6148 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning 6149 Points in l'Amour" 6150% 6151"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full 6152house and four people died." 6153 -- Steven Wright 6154% 6155"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to 6156see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." 6157 -- Shirley Temple 6158% 6159I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do 6160too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which 6161direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After 6162much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot 6163tub to face is up. 6164 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 6165% 6166"I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3 6167because I couldn't remember the proof." 6168 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a 6169% 6170"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it." 6171% 6172I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick 6173and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this 6174country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people 6175in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly 6176not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. 6177 -- Monty Python 6178% 6179I think that I shall never see 6180A billboard lovely as a tree. 6181Perhaps, unless the billboards fall 6182I'll never see a tree at all. 6183 -- Ogden Nash 6184% 6185I think that I shall never see 6186A thing as lovely as a tree. 6187But as you see the trees have gone 6188They went this morning with the dawn. 6189A logging firm from out of town 6190Came and chopped the trees all down. 6191But I will trick those dirty skunks 6192And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. 6193% 6194"I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple 6195to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the 6196farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light 6197into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from 6198the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing 6199off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the 6200color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on 6201out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars 6202singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors." 6203 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club 6204% 6205I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown 6206... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think 6207we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. 6208When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we 6209are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was 6210driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa 6211Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, 6212were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous 6213conversation ... 6214 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 6215% 6216"I thought you were trying to get into shape." 6217"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." 6218% 6219" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a 6220pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!" 6221 -- Winston Churchill 6222% 6223I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in 6224twenty minutes. It's about Russia. 6225 -- Woody Allen 6226% 6227I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. 6228% 6229"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." 6230% 6231"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure." 6232% 6233"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my 6234body. Then I realized who was telling me this." 6235 -- Emo Phillips 6236% 6237I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere 6238near the place. 6239 -- Steven Wright 6240% 6241I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to 6242animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for 6243anything connected with society except that which makes the roads 6244safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women 6245warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. 6246 -- Brendan Behan 6247% 6248"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. 6249Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE 6250HAW"!!'" 6251 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" 6252% 6253I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know 6254anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is 6255a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows 6256up. 6257 -- Will Rogers 6258% 6259"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I 6260put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured 6261what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I 6262should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to 6263get off my driveway." 6264 -- Steven Wright 6265% 6266"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I 6267didn't know." 6268 -- Mark Twain 6269% 6270I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending 6271their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to 6272buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. 6273 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay 6274% 6275"I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full 6276house and four people died." 6277 -- Steven Wright 6278% 6279"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything 6280specific". 6281 -- Steven Wright 6282% 6283I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained 6284it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass 6285stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. 6286I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be 6287absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had 6288developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. 6289Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's 6290temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I 6291chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to 6292the point where it would not run at all. 6293 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black 6294 Holes and the Fate of Stars" 6295% 6296"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any 6297questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the 6298speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? 6299 6300He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work 6301for him then. 6302 -- Steven Wright 6303% 6304"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in 6305the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't 6306included." 6307 -- Steven Wright 6308% 6309"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the 6310statues that are in all the other museums." 6311 -- Steven Wright 6312% 6313I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that 6314it took seven others to beat him! 6315% 6316"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. 6317There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work." 6318 -- Gallagher 6319% 6320"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've 6321always worked for me." 6322 -- Hunter S. Thompson 6323% 6324"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous." 6325% 6326"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got 6327to undo it." 6328% 6329"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat." 6330% 6331"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I 6332snore." 6333% 6334"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in 6335`Y.'" 6336% 6337"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my 6338blender." 6339% 6340"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my 6341garage door." 6342% 6343"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from 6344Julian to Gregorian." 6345% 6346"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for 6347static cling." 6348% 6349"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered." 6350% 6351"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my 6352cottage cheese sculpture." 6353% 6354"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving." 6355% 6356"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma 6357transplant." 6358% 6359"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night." 6360% 6361"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV." 6362% 6363"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never 6364came back." 6365% 6366"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say 6367tuned." 6368% 6369"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that 6370need worrying about." 6371% 6372"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." 6373% 6374"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, 6375carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, 6376I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun." 6377 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H 6378% 6379I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd 6380listen to it! 6381 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire 6382% 6383I'll grant thee random access to my heart, 6384Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; 6385And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove 6386And in our bound partition never part. 6387 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 6388% 6389"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. 6390That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood." 6391 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones] 6392% 6393"I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from 6394man." 6395% 6396I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me! 6397% 6398"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my 6399sister." 6400% 6401I'm changing my name to Chrysler 6402I'm going down to Washington, D.C. 6403I'll tell some power broker 6404 What they did for Iacocca 6405Will be perfectly acceptable to me! 6406I'm changing my name to Chrysler, 6407I'm heading for that great receiving line. 6408When they hand a million grand out, 6409 I'll be standing with my hand out, 6410Yessir, I'll get mine! 6411 -- Tom Paxton 6412% 6413I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. 6414% 6415"I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did." 6416% 6417"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to 6418die in." 6419 -- George McGovern 6420% 6421I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. 6422 -- Fred Allen 6423% 6424I'm going to live forever, or die trying! 6425 -- Spider Robinson 6426% 6427... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a 6428KOSHER DELI!! 6429% 6430"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?" 6431 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate 6432% 6433i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be 6434living apart. 6435 -- e. e. cummings 6436% 6437I'm N-ary the tree, I am, 6438N-ary the tree, I am, I am. 6439I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, 6440She's traversed me seven times before. 6441And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) 6442Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) 6443I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. 6444N-ary the tree I am, I am, 6445N-ary the tree I am. 6446% 6447"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. 6448It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get." 6449% 6450"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday 6451life." 6452% 6453I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is 6454-- I could be just as proud for half the money. 6455 -- Arthur Godfrey 6456% 6457I'm rated PG-34!! 6458% 6459"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL 6460soon ..." 6461% 6462"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it 6463(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage." 6464 -- English Professor, Providence College 6465% 6466I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, 6467I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; 6468In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, 6469I am the very model of a modern Major-General. 6470 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" 6471% 6472"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's 6473lives" 6474% 6475I've built a better model than the one at Data General 6476For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral 6477My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; 6478My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. 6479My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, 6480You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; 6481There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; 6482My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. 6483 6484I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: 6485There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, 6486Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral 6487I've built a better model than the one at Data General. 6488 6489 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of 6490 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", 6491 by Gilbert & Sullivan) 6492% 6493I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. 6494% 6495I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was 6496this little hole in the bottom ... 6497 -- John Croll 6498% 6499I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. 6500% 6501I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. 6502 -- Groucho Marx 6503% 6504I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes 6505on the same day. 6506% 6507"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer." 6508% 6509"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer" 6510 -- Senator Claghorn 6511% 6512I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; 6513And from that full meridian of my glory 6514I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, 6515Like a bright exhalation in the evening 6516And no man see me more. 6517 -- Shakespeare 6518% 6519IBM had a PL/I, 6520 Its syntax worse than JOSS; 6521And everywhere this language went, 6522 It was a total loss. 6523% 6524Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box 6525of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 6526% 6527Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like 6528solitary confinement. 6529% 6530Idiot Box, n.: 6531 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the 6532stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 6533 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 6534% 6535Idiot, n.: 6536 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human 6537affairs has always been dominant and controlling. 6538 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 6539% 6540If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape 6541at about 30 miles/second. 6542 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming 6543% 6544If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. 6545 -- Roy Santoro 6546% 6547"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far." 6548 -- Paul White 6549% 6550If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus 6551forecast is a camel's behind. 6552 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 6553% 6554If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y 6555is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut. 6556 -- Albert Einstein 6557% 6558If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1 6559passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. 6560 -- T. Cheatham 6561% 6562If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four 6563hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where 6564it votes guilty. 6565 -- Joseph C. Goulden 6566% 6567If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake 6568him up. 6569% 6570If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. 6571% 6572If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have 6573dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to 6574maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it 6575must drop. The law of gravity supercedes the law of golf. 6576 -- Donald A. Metz 6577% 6578"If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good 6579attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to 6580playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- 6581unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager 6582can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?" 6583 -- Sparky Anderson 6584% 6585If all be true that I do think, 6586There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; 6587Good friends, good wine, or being dry, 6588Or lest we should be by-and-by, 6589Or any other reason why. 6590% 6591If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular 6592error. 6593 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 6594% 6595If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot 6596platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave 6597that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. 6598% 6599If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. 6600 -- Paul Beatty 6601% 6602If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a 6603conclusion. 6604 -- William Baumol 6605% 6606If an S and an I and an O and a U 6607With an X at the end spell Su; 6608And an E and a Y and an E spell I, 6609Pray what is a speller to do? 6610Then, if also an S and an I and a G 6611And an HED spell side, 6612There's nothing much left for a speller to do 6613But to go commit siouxeyesighed. 6614 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" 6615% 6616If anything can go wrong, it will. 6617% 6618If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool. 6619% 6620If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 6621% 6622If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four 6623tellers? 6624% 6625"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?" 6626% 6627If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? 6628% 6629If everybody minded their own business, the world would go 6630around a deal faster. 6631 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass" 6632% 6633If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. 6634% 6635... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with 6636the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls 6637asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... 6638 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 6639% 6640If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three 6641to a can. 6642% 6643If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. 6644% 6645If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. 6646% 6647If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit 6648Ears. 6649% 6650If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their 6651Heads. 6652% 6653If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with 6654green, baggy skin. 6655% 6656If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. 6657% 6658If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to 6659invent it. 6660% 6661If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger 6662hands. 6663% 6664If God is dead, who will save the Queen? 6665% 6666If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? 6667% 6668"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows." 6669 -- Yiddish saying 6670% 6671If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? 6672 -- Marvin Kitman 6673% 6674"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be 6675replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!" 6676% 6677If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! 6678 -- Samuel Goldwyn 6679% 6680If I don't drive around the park, 6681I'm pretty sure to make my mark. 6682If I'm in bed each night by ten, 6683I may get back my looks again. 6684If I abstain from fun and such, 6685I'll probably amount to much; 6686But I shall stay the way I am, 6687Because I do not give a damn. 6688 -- Dorothy Parker 6689% 6690If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. 6691% 6692If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the 6693plantation and go home. 6694 -- Eugene P. Gallagher 6695% 6696If I had any humility I would be perfect. 6697 -- Ted Turner 6698% 6699"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." 6700 -- Albert Einstein 6701% 6702If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the 6703shoulders of giants. 6704 -- Isaac Newton 6705 6706In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side 6707with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. 6708 -- Gerald Holton 6709 6710If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing 6711on my shoulders. 6712 -- Hal Abelson 6713 6714In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. 6715 -- Brian K. Reid 6716% 6717If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. 6718 6719On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is 6720also a psychological interaction. 6721 6722The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so 6723friendly. 6724 6725The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. 6726 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 6727% 6728If I traveled to the end of the rainbow 6729As Dame Fortune did intend, 6730Murphy would be there to tell me 6731The pot's at the other end. 6732 -- Bert Whitney 6733% 6734If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? 6735% 6736If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. 6737% 6738If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. 6739They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun 6740of it. 6741 -- Thomas Carlyle 6742% 6743"If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they 6744forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll 6745just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. 6746And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* 6747pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! 6748And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and 6749think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to 6750receive Net Mail ..." 6751 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom 6752% 6753If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. 6754% 6755If little else, the brain is an educational toy. 6756 -- Tom Robbins 6757% 6758If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women 6759you've got in the house. 6760 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 6761% 6762If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by 6763the page number. 6764% 6765If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. 6766% 6767"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think 6768little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and 6769Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination." 6770 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) 6771% 6772If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. 6773 -- A. Einstein. 6774% 6775If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit 6776in my name at a Swiss bank. 6777 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 6778% 6779If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. 6780% 6781If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without 6782having to accomplish anything. 6783% 6784If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, 6785he should see how bad it is with representation. 6786% 6787If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of 6788arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the 6789physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker 6790entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. 6791 -- Vannevar Bush 6792% 6793If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied 6794harder. 6795 -- Pope John Paul I 6796% 6797"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem." 6798 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 6799% 6800If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would 6801presumably flunk it. 6802 -- Stanley Garn 6803% 6804If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. 6805 -- Norm Schryer 6806% 6807If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to 6808get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. 6809See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving 6810the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting 6811that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The 6812college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious 6813and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to 6814rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. 6815Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure 6816interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by 6817opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for 6818himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for 6819boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. 6820 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 6821% 6822"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for 6823me!" 6824 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) 6825% 6826If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances 6827are 50-50 it will. 6828% 6829If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If 6830the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the 6831bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will 6832exceed all expectations. 6833 -- Reverend Chichester 6834% 6835If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. 6836% 6837If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that 6838will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 6839% 6840If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? 6841 -- Art Hoppe 6842% 6843If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make 6844something out of you. 6845 -- Muhammad Ali 6846% 6847If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. 6848% 6849If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. 6850% 6851If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? 6852% 6853If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was 6854yesterday? 6855% 6856If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is 6857doing the thinking. 6858 -- Lyndon Baines Johnson 6859% 6860If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 6861 -- Laurence J. Peter 6862% 6863"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely" 6864% 6865"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage." 6866% 6867If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel 6868in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary 6869qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. 6870 -- Marguerite Emmons 6871% 6872If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? 6873 -- Ann Edwards-Duff 6874% 6875"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." 6876 -- J. Paul Getty 6877% 6878If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. 6879% 6880If you can read this, you're too close. 6881% 6882If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. 6883% 6884If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a 6885call. 6886% 6887If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. 6888% 6889If you cannot convince them, confuse them. 6890 -- Harry S Truman 6891% 6892If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? 6893% 6894If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 6895% 6896If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. 6897 -- Clarence Day 6898% 6899If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. 6900 -- Freeman Dyson 6901% 6902"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little 6903Lavoris in the toilet." 6904 -- Jay Leno 6905% 6906If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to 6907either of you for the rest of the day. 6908% 6909"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to 6910have to get a toehold in the public eye." 6911% 6912If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody 6913will. 6914% 6915If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it 6916will always do it. 6917 -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin 6918% 6919"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is 6920make the rubble bounce" 6921 -- Winston Churchill 6922% 6923If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. 6924% 6925If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. 6926% 6927"If you have to hate, hate gently" 6928% 6929If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to 6930boot yourself in the posterior. 6931 -- A. J. Liebling 6932% 6933If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. 6934% 6935If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. 6936 -- Graham Summer 6937% 6938If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few 6939people die past the age of a hundred. 6940 -- George Burns 6941% 6942If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you 6943really make them think they'll hate you. 6944% 6945If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. 6946 -- Maslow 6947% 6948If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure 6949can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly 6950develop. 6951% 6952If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite 6953you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. 6954 -- Mark Twain 6955% 6956If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, 6957you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get 6958ice, but no cup. 6959% 6960If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But 6961this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is 6962somehow enobled and none dare criticize it. 6963% 6964If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're 6965the sucker. 6966% 6967If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. 6968% 6969If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, 6970It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. 6971 Or some joker who is slicker, 6972 Will trick you of your liquor, 6973If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. 6974% 6975If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. 6976 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard 6977% 6978If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens 6979tomorrow! 6980% 6981If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car 6982payments. 6983 -- Earl Wilson 6984% 6985If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. 6986 -- Arthur Kasspe 6987% 6988If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest 6989shopping center in the world? 6990 -- Richard M. Nixon 6991% 6992If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest 6993shopping center in the world? 6994 -- Richard Nixon 6995% 6996If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would 6997be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call 6998you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw 6999another party next year. 7000 7001What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up 7002several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've 7003been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to 7004avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning 7005parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from 7006having another one ... 7007 7008If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless 7009your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas 7010through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure 7011that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting 7012someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... 7013% 7014If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them 7015end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. 7016 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" 7017% 7018"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything." 7019 -- A. L. 7020% 7021If you want divine justice, die. 7022 -- Nick Seldon 7023% 7024If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people 7025he gave it to. 7026 -- Dorthy Parker 7027% 7028If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the 7029Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's 7030statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington 7031telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with 7032titles beginning with the word "National". 7033 -- George Will 7034% 7035If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every 7036word you say, talk in your sleep. 7037% 7038"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some 7039memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, 7040even if they don't know what it means." 7041 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" 7042% 7043If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one. 7044% 7045If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for 7046tomorrow morning, sleep late. 7047 -- Henny Youngman 7048% 7049If you're happy, you're successful. 7050% 7051 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs 7052around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace 7053explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The 7054"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and 7055deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the 7056better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random 7057with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives 7058you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a 7059successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. 7060 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. 7061You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How 7062difficult can it be?" 7063 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, 7064which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying 7065other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up 7066yourself for far less money. This article can help you. 7067 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 7068% 7069If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 7070% 7071If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. 7072 -- Benjamin Disraeli 7073% 7074If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? 7075% 7076"If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round 7077it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the 7078universe?" 7079% 7080If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. 7081 -- Ronald Reagan 7082% 7083Ignisecond, n.: 7084 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car 7085door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" 7086 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 7087% 7088Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux 7089 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, 7090Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex, 7091 Et le m^omerade horgrave. 7092 -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" 7093% 7094Iles's Law: 7095 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly 7096at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. 7097Neither will Iles. 7098% 7099Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the 7100land He's trying to ignore. 7101% 7102Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. 7103 -- Jules de Gaultier 7104% 7105"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the 7106usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody 7107thinks of complaining." 7108 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal 7109% 7110Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has 7111a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk 7112storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on 7113voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. 7114What's the first question that the computer community asks? 7115 7116"Is it PC compatible?" 7117% 7118Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 7119 -- Jack Paar 7120% 7121Immortality -- a fate worse than death. 7122 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 7123% 7124Impartial, adj.: 7125 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from 7126espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two 7127conflicting opinions. 7128 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7129% 7130Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the 7131mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the 7132Boss is reading it. 7133% 7134Impossible, adj.: 7135 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; 7136(2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may 7137perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. 7138 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 7139% 7140In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of 7141stairs. 7142% 7143In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled 7144waffles. 7145% 7146In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't 7147get parts. 7148% 7149In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The 7150creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across. 7151% 7152In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred 7153syrup. 7154% 7155In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only 7156we can't control when the five year period will begin. 7157% 7158 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, 7159junior, what are you up to?" 7160 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the 7161rabbit. 7162 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" 7163 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the 7164rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied 7165expression on his face. 7166 Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" 7167 "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits 7168devour wolves." 7169 "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" 7170 "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes 7171out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. 7172Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody 7173should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting 7174next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. 7175 7176The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- 7177it's your PhD advisor that really counts. 7178% 7179In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" 7180Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. 7181 -- Frank Mankiewicz 7182% 7183In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, 7184"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." 7185 -- Mark Twain 7186% 7187In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground 7188with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call 7189this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. 7190% 7191In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so 7192sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All 7193those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the 7194devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up 7195as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you. 7196 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 7197% 7198In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one 7199of the risks he takes. 7200 -- Adlai Stevenson 7201% 7202In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own 7203incompetency 7204 -- The Peter Principle 7205% 7206In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) 7207are to be treated as variables. 7208% 7209"In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of 7210nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir." 7211 -- Stuart Keate 7212% 7213In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own 7214at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. 7215% 7216In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. 7217% 7218In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools 7219will be temporarily canceled. 7220% 7221In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and 7222make it better. 7223% 7224In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle 7225a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order 7226to get her attention. 7227% 7228In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride 7229in any motor vehicle. 7230% 7231"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable." 7232 -- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery 7233% 7234In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door 7235neighbor. 7236% 7237In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. 7238% 7239In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last 7240resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but 7241inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 7242 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7243% 7244In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our 7245programming languages. 7246% 7247In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on 7248the sidewalks when a concert is on. 7249% 7250In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come 7251into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish 7252between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which 7253will only make it mushy. 7254 -- Mark Twain 7255% 7256In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your 7257pocket. 7258% 7259In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any 7260pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while 7261either flying or waiting to board a plane. 7262% 7263In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless 7264there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red 7265flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. 7266% 7267In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as 7268to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the 7269speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. 7270% 7271"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the 7272universe." 7273 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos 7274% 7275In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, 7276intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from 7277the cares of office. 7278 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7279% 7280In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds 7281and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. 7282% 7283In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying 7284of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public 7285view." 7286% 7287In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space 7288Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. 7289Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, 7290We shall encounter, counting, face to face. 7291 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 7292% 7293In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that 7294is over six feet in length. 7295% 7296In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. 7297 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 7298% 7299"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian." 7300% 7301In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. 7302% 7303In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a 7304moving automobile. 7305% 7306[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You 7307could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense 7308that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... 7309 7310And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory 7311over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we 7312didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no 7313point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; 7314we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave .... 7315 7316So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in 7317Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost 7318___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and 7319rolled back. 7320 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 7321% 7322In the beginning was the word. 7323But by the time the second word was added to it, 7324there was trouble. 7325For with it came syntax ... 7326 -- John Simon 7327% 7328In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat 7329hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am 7330training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the 7331net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any 7332preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you 7333close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be 7334empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. 7335% 7336In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 7337the proper order then why can't he? 7338% 7339In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful 7340Dead. 7341 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead 7342% 7343In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. 7344 -- Alan Perlis 7345% 7346In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or 7347a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it 7348to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by 7349forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you 7350stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit 7351punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong 7352enough to punch you. 7353 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 7354% 7355In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has 7356shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the 7357Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million 7358three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years 7359from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. 7360... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such 7361wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of 7362fact. 7363 -- Mark Twain 7364% 7365In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to 7366drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at 7367discotheques. 7368 -- Art Linkletter 7369% 7370In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take 7371my advice. 7372 -- Winston Churchill 7373% 7374In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without 7375the supervision of a licensed engineer. 7376% 7377In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse 7378along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. 7379% 7380Incumbent, n.: 7381 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. 7382 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7383% 7384... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves 7385smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is 7386not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. 7387 -- Stephen Crane 7388% 7389Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? 7390% 7391Individualists unite! 7392% 7393Infancy, n.: 7394 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven 7395lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon 7396afterward. 7397 -- Ambrose Bierce 7398% 7399Information Center, n.: 7400 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is 7401to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. 7402% 7403Ingrate, n.: 7404 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of 7405indigestion. 7406% 7407Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 7408 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 7409% 7410Ink, n.: 7411 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and 7412water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote 7413intellectual crime. 7414 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7415% 7416Innovation is hard to schedule. 7417 -- Dan Fylstra 7418% 7419Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. 7420% 7421Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the 7422salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. 7423% 7424Interpreter, n.: 7425 One who enables two persons of different languages to 7426understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to 7427the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. 7428 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7429% 7430Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. 7431% 7432 INVENTORY 7433Four be the things I am wiser to know: 7434Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. 7435 7436Four be the things I'd been better without: 7437Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 7438 7439Three be the things I shall never attain: 7440Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. 7441 7442Three be the things I shall have till I die: 7443Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. 7444% 7445Iron Law of Distribution: 7446 Them that has, gets. 7447% 7448"Irrationality is the square root of all evil" 7449 -- Douglas Hofstadter 7450% 7451Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is 7452meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a 7453soap bubble? 7454% 7455Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the 7456beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get 7457out, and such as are out wish to get in? 7458 -- Ralph Emerson 7459% 7460Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! 7461% 7462Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction 7463listen to weather forecasts and economists? 7464 -- Kelvin Throop III 7465% 7466Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune 7467tellers take economists seriously? 7468% 7469Issawi's Laws of Progress: 7470 7471 The Course of Progress: 7472 Most things get steadily worse. 7473 7474 The Path of Progress: 7475 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 7476% 7477It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working 7478as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he 7479had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, 7480"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed 7481Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival 7482came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer 7483this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the 7484Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. 7485To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's 7486your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, 7487"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" 7488% 7489It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown 7490came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and 7491applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I 7492think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the 7493wits, who believe that it is a joke. 7494% 7495It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is 7496thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have 7497drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. 7498 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7499% 7500It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself 7501that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that 7502one can learn." 7503 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman 7504% 7505It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have 7506been searching for evidence which could support this. 7507 -- Bertrand Russell 7508% 7509It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 7510% 7511It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to 7512program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in 7513organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be 7514self-critical? 7515 -- Alan Perlis 7516% 7517It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of 7518Urbana, Illinois. 7519% 7520It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will 7521not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves 7522and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like 7523mature human beings ... 7524 -- Playboy, January 1983 7525% 7526It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a 7527pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the 7528sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. 7529 -- Voltaire 7530% 7531It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what 7532they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed 7533that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so 7534much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins 7535had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But 7536conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more 7537intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. 7538 7539Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending 7540destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to 7541alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were 7542misinterpreted ... 7543 -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The 7544 Galaxy" 7545% 7546It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be 7547coming up it. 7548 -- Henry Allen 7549% 7550It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? 7551One in a million, perhaps. 7552% 7553It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark 7554% 7555It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three 7556benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never 7557to use either. 7558 -- Mark Twain 7559% 7560It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both 7561incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by 7562twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. 7563 -- Rod Serling 7564% 7565"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is 7566lightly greased." 7567 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 7568% 7569It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its 7570proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community 7571a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to 7572treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the 7573focus of attention, the harder the task. 7574 -- Sydney J. Harris 7575% 7576It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice 7577versa. 7578% 7579It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 7580% 7581It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct 7582one. 7583% 7584It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because 7585if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of 7586people. 7587 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 7588% 7589It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood 7590Boulevard at one time. 7591% 7592It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. 7593% 7594It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry 7595a tune. 7596 -- Woody Allen 7597% 7598It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so 7599ingenious. 7600% 7601It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not 7602desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. 7603 -- Woody Allen 7604% 7605It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our 7606offense consists in doubting it. 7607 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson 7608% 7609It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the 7610problem. 7611% 7612It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be 7613privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to 7614corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. 7615 -- George Bernard Shaw 7616% 7617It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. 7618 -- Gore Vidal 7619% 7620It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one 7621damn thing over and over. 7622 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 7623% 7624It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? 7625 -- Elizabeth Carpenter 7626% 7627It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a 7628pit. 7629% 7630It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that 7631virginity could be a virtue. 7632 -- Voltaire 7633% 7634It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their 7635dignity. 7636% 7637It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared 7638to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. 7639 -- Havelock Ellis 7640% 7641It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to 7642students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential 7643programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of 7644regeneration. 7645 -- Dijkstra 7646% 7647It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the 7648lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as 7649high as the eagle? 7650% 7651It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a 7652statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more 7653glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through 7654which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the 7655day, that is the highest of arts. 7656 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" 7657% 7658It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad 7659crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed 7660until the other has gone. 7661% 7662It is the business of little minds to shrink. 7663 -- Carl Sandburg 7664% 7665It is the business of the future to be dangerous. 7666 -- Hawkwind 7667% 7668It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for 7669five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But 7670it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. 7671% 7672It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the 7673future. 7674% 7675It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. 7676% 7677It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too 7678good either if you speak when your head is empty. 7679% 7680It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a 7681warning to others. 7682% 7683"It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory" 7684 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 7685% 7686It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the 7687flag. 7688% 7689It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the 7690municipality. 7691 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio 7692% 7693"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, 7694but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous." 7695 -- Robert Benchly 7696% 7697It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. 7698% 7699"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set 7700foot." 7701% 7702It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a 7703breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was 7704broken ... 7705 -- James Dent 7706% 7707"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps 7708I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I 7709don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and 7710the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual 7711charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its 7712novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but 7713yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable 7714man a lifetime." 7715 -- Thomas Aldrich 7716% 7717 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east 7718laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The 7719thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, 7720nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying 7721for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. 7722 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating 7723under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting 7724icepacks. 7725 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 7726% 7727It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like 7728the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. 7729% 7730It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on 7731the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. 7732% 7733It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human 7734nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant 7735examples. 7736 -- Charles Dickens 7737% 7738It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing 7739warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or 7740two things still safe to eat. 7741 -- Robert Fuoss 7742% 7743It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. 7744 -- Andrew Jackson 7745% 7746"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone 7747underwear." 7748% 7749It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. 7750% 7751"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it." 7752 -- Steven Wright 7753% 7754"It's a summons." 7755"What's a summons?" 7756"It means summon's in trouble." 7757 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle 7758% 7759It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. 7760 -- Churchy La Femme 7761% 7762It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. 7763% 7764"It's bad luck to be superstitious." 7765 -- Andrew W. Mathis 7766% 7767It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all. 7768 -- Marty Winch 7769% 7770"It's easier said than done." 7771 7772... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than 7773said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than 7774said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than 7775done". 7776% 7777It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 7778% 7779It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for 7780being right. 7781% 7782"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an 7783hour!" 7784 -- Macy's 7785% 7786It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. 7787% 7788It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it 7789is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It 7790isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. 7791 -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News 7792% 7793It's just a jump to the left 7794 And then a step to the right. 7795Put your hands on your hips 7796 And pull your knees in tight. 7797It's the pelvic thrust 7798 That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane 7799 7800 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! 7801 7802 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 7803% 7804"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." 7805 -- Walt Disney 7806% 7807"It's Like This" 7808 7809Even the samurai 7810have teddy bears, 7811and even the teddy bears 7812get drunk. 7813% 7814It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong 7815direction. 7816% 7817"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." 7818% 7819It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. 7820 -- Sam Goldwyn 7821% 7822It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how 7823to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. 7824 -- George Burns 7825% 7826It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. 7827 -- Phil White 7828% 7829"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either." 7830 -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston 7831% 7832It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. 7833 -- Alexander Korda 7834% 7835"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass." 7836 -- Cal Keegan 7837% 7838It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's 7839what you're taking for it... 7840% 7841It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off 7842the ground. 7843 -- Daniel B. Luten 7844% 7845It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it 7846happens. 7847 -- Woody Allen 7848% 7849It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. 7850 -- Garfield 7851% 7852It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that 7853English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many 7854other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. 7855 -- Sydney J. Harris 7856% 7857It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... 7858% 7859It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. 7860% 7861It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the 7862Devil when he is the only explanation of it. 7863% 7864It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which 7865raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody 7866not to. 7867 -- Franklin P. Jones 7868% 7869It's the thought, if any, that counts! 7870% 7871 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK 7872 by Mark Isaak 7873 7874 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL 7875character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their 7876hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices 7877are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some 7878BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it 7879to him. 7880 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, 7881he met the traveling salesman. 7882 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman 7883in high-level language. 7884 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips 7885and Apples," commented Jack. 7886 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue 7887there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." 7888 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when 7889he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she 7890started thrashing. 7891 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these 7892kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the 7893window ... 7894% 7895Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: 7896 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the 7897legislature is in session. 7898% 7899James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total 7900indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. 7901 -- Tom Stoppard 7902% 7903Jenkinson's Law: 7904 It won't work. 7905% 7906Jesus Saves, 7907Moses Invests, 7908But only Buddha pays Dividends. 7909% 7910Job Placement, n.: 7911 Telling your boss what he can do with your job. 7912% 7913Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! 7914% 7915Johnson's First Law: 7916 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the 7917most inconvenient possible time. 7918% 7919Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called 7920"Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do 7921anything loses. 7922% 7923Join the march to save individuality! 7924% 7925Jone's Law: 7926 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone 7927to blame it on. 7928% 7929Jone's Motto: 7930 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 7931% 7932Jones's First Law: 7933 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of 7934endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction 7935to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their 7936original contribution. 7937% 7938Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac 7939(and nobody cares about it). 7940 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85 7941% 7942Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good 7943solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires 7944one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the 7945winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is 7946because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise 7947mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political 7948motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the 7949whole truth. 7950 -- Stephen R. Schwambach 7951% 7952Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has 7953changed. 7954 -- Irene Peter 7955% 7956Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. 7957% 7958Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he 7959knows what it is. 7960% 7961Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you 7962get a prompt, type like hell. 7963% 7964"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't 7965immune to bullets" 7966 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" 7967% 7968"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some 7969of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?" 7970 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US 7971% 7972Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to 7973twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! 7974% 7975`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, 7976 As he landed his crew with care; 7977Supporting each man on the top of the tide 7978 By a finger entwined in his hair. 7979 7980'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: 7981 That alone should encourage the crew. 7982Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: 7983 What I tell you three times is true.' 7984% 7985Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a 7986faster rat!!! 7987% 7988Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! 7989 -- Michael J. Wagner 7990% 7991Justice is incidental to law and order. 7992 -- J. Edgar Hoover 7993% 7994Justice, n.: 7995 A decision in your favor. 7996% 7997K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; 7998 Cobol's wordy and confining; 7999 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; 8000 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them. 8001 -- The Roguelet's ABC 8002% 8003Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to 8004wear tail lights. 8005% 8006Katz' Law: 8007 Man and nations will act rationally when all other 8008possibilities have been exhausted. 8009% 8010Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. 8011% 8012Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze 8013 - Hellman's Mayonnaise 8014% 8015Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. 8016% 8017Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. 8018% 8019Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: 8020 (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc 8021 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this 8022 force is technically termed "car suck"). 8023 (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive 8024 than "Watch this!" 8025% 8026Keep you Eye on the Ball, 8027Your Shoulder to the Wheel, 8028Your Nose to the Grindstone, 8029Your Feet on the Ground, 8030Your Head on your Shoulders. 8031Now ... try to get something DONE! 8032% 8033Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most 8034automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the 8035numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the 8036driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the 8037dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know 8038what's wrong." 8039% 8040Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: 8041 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, 8042and parking for the faculty. 8043% 8044Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could 8045travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the 8046original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate 8047teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for 8048grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate 8049teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. 8050 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly 8051 Do" 8052% 8053Kin, n.: 8054 An affliction of the blood 8055% 8056Kinkler's First Law: 8057 Responsibility always exceeds authority. 8058 8059Kinkler's Second Law: 8060 All the easy problems have been solved. 8061% 8062"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack." 8063% 8064Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through 8065any of its streets. 8066% 8067Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. 8068% 8069Kiss your keyboard goodbye! 8070% 8071Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. 8072% 8073Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within. 8074% 8075Kleptomaniac, n.: 8076 A rich thief. 8077 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8078% 8079Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. 8080% 8081Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. 8082 -- Henry N. Camp 8083% 8084Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): 8085 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. 8086 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 8087% 8088Labor, n.: 8089 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. 8090 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8091% 8092Lackland's Laws: 8093 (1) Never be first. 8094 (2) Never be last. 8095 (3) Never volunteer for anything 8096% 8097Lactomangulation, n.: 8098 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly 8099that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. 8100 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 8101% 8102Ladybug, ladybug, 8103Look to your stern! 8104Your house is on fire, 8105Your children will burn! 8106So jump ye and sing, for 8107The very first time 8108The four lines above 8109Have been put into rhyme. 8110 -- Walt Kelly 8111% 8112Laetrile is the pits 8113% 8114Langsam's Laws: 8115 (1) Everything depends. 8116 (2) Nothing is always. 8117 (3) Everything is sometimes. 8118% 8119Larkinson's Law: 8120 All laws are basically false. 8121% 8122Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with 8123was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting 8124pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the 8125farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their 8126sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do 8127you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? 8128What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead 8129of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under 8130the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops 8131whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which 8132Lassie filed the applications for. 8133 -- Dave Barry 8134% 8135"Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment 8136had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to 8137my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'" 8138 -- Steven Wright 8139% 8140"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police 8141record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense 8142of humor." 8143% 8144Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. 8145% 8146Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. 8147% 8148"Laughter is the closest distance between two people." 8149 -- Victor Borge 8150% 8151Law of Communications: 8152 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications 8153between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of 8154misunderstanding. 8155% 8156Law of Probable Dispersal: 8157 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly 8158distributed. 8159% 8160Law of Selective Gravity: 8161 An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 8162 8163Jenning's Corollary: 8164 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is 8165directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 8166% 8167Law of the Perversity of Nature: 8168 You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the 8169bread to butter. 8170% 8171Laws of Serendipity: 8172 8173 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for 8174 something. 8175 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already 8176 be engaged in making an inferior one. 8177% 8178Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: 8179 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- 8180approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 8181% 8182Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. 8183% 8184Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and 8185everything else follows in the same way. 8186 -- Alan J. Perlis 8187% 8188Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 8189% 8190Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the 8191fun? 8192% 8193Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: 8194 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour 8195unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a 8196drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he 8197can." 8198% 8199Leibowitz's Rule: 8200 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you 8201hold the hammer with both hands. 8202% 8203LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 8204 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are 8205 pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike 8206 honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people 8207 are thieves. 8208% 8209LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 8210 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. 8211 Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because 8212 you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of 8213 fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got 8214 a sick sense of humor. 8215% 8216Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. 8217% 8218"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a 8219number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash 8220and another number." 8221 -- James Estes 8222% 8223Let us live!!! 8224Let us love!!! 8225Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! 8226 8227You first. 8228% 8229Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every 8230relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you 8231really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the 8232end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the 8233qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and 8234bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind 8235his back." 8236 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn 8237% 8238Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick 8239your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as 8240Mental Anguish. You would sue: 8241 8242* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions 8243 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand 8244 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls 8245 in there". 8246 8247* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious 8248 cretin like yourself. 8249 8250* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this 8251 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you 8252 a large cash settlement anyway. 8253 -- Dave Barry 8254% 8255Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often 8256overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of 8257dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your 8258tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to 8259spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe 8260money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will 8261probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? 8262It's not his money. 8263 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 8264% 8265LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) 8266 8267Dear Sir, 8268 8269I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or 8270to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in 8271public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result 8272in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn 8273will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed 8274agricultural industry. 8275 8276Yours faithfully, 8277 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. 8278 Sevenoaks 8279% 8280Lewis's Law of Travel: 8281 The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to 8282anyone, ever. 8283% 8284Liar, n.: 8285 A lawyer with a roving commission. 8286 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8287% 8288Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. 8289 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick 8290% 8291LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) 8292 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your 8293 desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and 8294 polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. 8295% 8296LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) 8297 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with 8298 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. 8299 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most 8300 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal 8301 disease. 8302% 8303Lie, n.: 8304 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one 8305discovered to date. 8306% 8307Lieberman's Law: 8308 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 8309% 8310Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. 8311% 8312Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. 8313% 8314"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to 8315eat it nevertheless." 8316 -- Flaubert 8317% 8318"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it." 8319% 8320Life is like a simile. 8321% 8322Life is like an analogy 8323% 8324Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find 8325there is nothing in it. 8326% 8327"Life is too important to take seriously." 8328 -- Corky Siegel 8329% 8330"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of 8331which I disapprove." 8332% 8333"Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility" 8334 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie 8335% 8336"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it 8337weren't for other people" 8338 -- Blore 8339% 8340Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. 8341% 8342"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." 8343 -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 8344% 8345Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made 8346sense from things she found in gift shops. 8347 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 8348% 8349Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking 8350for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. 8351 -- Alan McKay 8352% 8353Limericks are art forms complex, 8354Their topics run chiefly to sex. 8355 They usually have virgins, 8356 And masculine urgin's, 8357And other erotic effects. 8358% 8359Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. 8360% 8361Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe 8362 we should think only about today. 8363Charlie Brown: 8364 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get 8365 better. 8366% 8367Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. 8368 -- Candice Bergen 8369% 8370Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip 8371around the Sun. 8372% 8373Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted 8374before. 8375% 8376Lizzie Borden took an axe, 8377And plunged it deep into the VAX; 8378Don't you envy people who 8379Do all the things ___YOU want to do? 8380% 8381Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these 8382interest rates, we don't need it." 8383% 8384Lobster: 8385 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are 8386squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the 8387only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to 8388eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial 8389before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most 8390ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime 8391in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its 8392unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of 8393the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, 8394"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a 8395memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe 8396at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. 8397Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, 8398too. 8399 -- "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils 8400 into Excuses and Apologies" 8401% 8402Lockwood's Long Shot: 8403 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't 8404one in a million, but once would be enough. 8405% 8406Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*. 8407% 8408... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and 8409legally ... impeccable! 8410% 8411Logicians have but ill defined 8412As rational the human kind. 8413Logic, they say, belongs to man, 8414But let them prove it if they can. 8415 -- Oliver Goldsmith 8416% 8417Look out! Behind you! 8418% 8419Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us 8420to pay income taxes, too? 8421 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox 8422% 8423Loose bits sink chips. 8424% 8425Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, 8426BOOGA!" 8427% 8428Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. 8429% 8430Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in 8431Halstead, Kansas. 8432% 8433Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. 8434% 8435Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. 8436% 8437Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the 8438world has ever seen. 8439% 8440Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. 8441 -- Sigmund Freud 8442% 8443"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it 8444flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." 8445 -- Matt Groening 8446% 8447Love is a word that is constantly heard, 8448Hate is a word that is not. 8449Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. 8450Love, I have read, is hot. 8451But hate is the verb that to me is superb, 8452And Love but a drug on the mart. 8453Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, 8454But Hating, my boy, is an Art. 8455 -- Ogden Nash 8456% 8457"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with 8458the ideal never goes unpunished." 8459 -- Goethe 8460% 8461Love is sentimental measles. 8462% 8463Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 8464 -- H. L. Mencken 8465% 8466Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. 8467% 8468Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. 8469 -- Louise Beal 8470% 8471Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up 8472to. 8473% 8474 Love's Drug 8475 8476My love is like an iron wand 8477 That conks me on the head, 8478My love is like the valium 8479 That I take before my bed, 8480My love is like the pint of scotch 8481 That I drink when I be dry; 8482And I shall love thee still, my dear, 8483 Until my wife is wise. 8484% 8485Lowery's Law: 8486 If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing 8487anyway. 8488% 8489LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. 8490% 8491Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: 8492 There's always one more bug. 8493% 8494Lunatic Asylum, n.: 8495 The place where optimism most flourishes. 8496% 8497Lysistrata had a good idea. 8498% 8499"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into 8500the smallest amount of thoughts." 8501 -- Winston Churchill 8502% 8503Machine-Independent, adj.: 8504 Does not run on any existing machine. 8505% 8506Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, 8507and play games -- but not with pleasure. 8508 -- Leo Rosten 8509% 8510Mad, adj.: 8511 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ... 8512 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8513% 8514Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them 8515first for seven hours, they always come out tender. 8516 -- W. C. Fields 8517% 8518MAFIA, n: 8519 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance 8520Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore 8521subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is 8522rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy 8523reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP 8524operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that 8525MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped 8526variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex 8527security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a 8528more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an 8529imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES 8530options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. 8531Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a 8532powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and 8533entire nodal aggravations. 8534 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 8535% 8536Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism 8537 8538Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. 8539 8540The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works 8541of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject 8542with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human 8543knowledge. 8544 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8545% 8546Magnocartic, adj.: 8547 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping 8548carts. 8549 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 8550% 8551Magpie, n.: 8552 A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it 8553might be taught to talk. 8554 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8555% 8556Maier's Law: 8557 If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed 8558 of. 8559 8560Corollaries: 8561 (1) The bigger the theory, the better. 8562 (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 8563 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to 8564 obtain a correspondence with the theory. 8565% 8566Main's Law: 8567 For every action there is an equal and opposite government 8568program. 8569% 8570Maintainer's Motto: 8571 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. 8572% 8573Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly 8574 as one man. 8575 8576Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 8577 8578Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 8579 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8580% 8581Majority, n.: 8582 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. 8583% 8584Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist! 8585% 8586Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users 8587tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It 8588has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is 8589the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. 8590 -- System V.2 administrator's guide 8591% 8592Malek's Law: 8593 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. 8594% 8595Man 1: Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good 8596 joke is. 8597 8598Man 2: OK, what is the most impo -- 8599 8600Man 1: ______TIMING! 8601% 8602"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." 8603 -- Lily Tomlin 8604% 8605Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called 8606upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 8607 -- Oscar Wilde 8608% 8609Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the 8610only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. 8611 -- Wernher von Braun 8612% 8613Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. 8614 -- Mark Twain 8615% 8616Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the 8617victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 8618 -- Samuel Butler 8619% 8620Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the 8621victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 8622 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) 8623% 8624Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it 8625is an enemy. 8626 -- Albert Einstein 8627% 8628Man, n.: 8629 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks 8630e is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His hief 8631occupation is extermination of other animals and his own pecies, which, 8632however, multiplies with such insistent apidity as to infest the whole 8633habitable earth and Canada. 8634 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8635% 8636Mandrell: "You know what I think?" 8637Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you 8638 don't think, right?" 8639 -- Dr. Who 8640% 8641Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, 8642dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive 8643man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the 8644air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first 8645primitive umpire. 8646 8647What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as 8648mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. 8649 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 8650% 8651Manual, n.: 8652 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a 8653given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The 8654information you need in in the others. 8655 -- Ray Simard 8656% 8657Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, 8658there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he 8659was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how 8660completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... 8661 -- Walt Kelly 8662% 8663Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: 8664 Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a 8665simple yes or no answer. 8666% 8667Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. 8668 -- Voltaire 8669% 8670Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on 8671the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam 8672dancing. 8673 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83 8674% 8675Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. 8676 -- Malcolm Smith 8677% 8678Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. 8679 -- R. Drabek 8680% 8681Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they 8682translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something 8683entirely different. 8684 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 8685% 8686Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is 8687described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can 8688play. 8689 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by 8690 James Blish 8691% 8692"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence." 8693% 8694Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a 8695receipt. 8696% 8697Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. 8698 -- Jules Feiffer 8699% 8700May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts 8701% 8702May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! 8703% 8704May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. 8705% 8706May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a 8707Thousand Caramels. 8708% 8709Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. 8710 -- R. S. Barton 8711% 8712Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge 8713it. 8714% 8715McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: 8716 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not 8717$19.95. 8718% 8719Meader's Law: 8720 Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to 8721everyone you know, only more so. 8722% 8723Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 8724% 8725Meeting, n.: 8726 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or 8727department not represented in the room must solve a problem. 8728% 8729Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures 8730from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha 8731Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man 8732had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. 8733 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams 8734% 8735Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and 8736it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin 8737very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently 8738tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... 8739 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important 8740 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the 8741 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] 8742... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your 8743cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of 8744billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even 8745more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a 8746fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the 8747older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and 8748obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the 8749window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger 8750hotshot cells moving up from below. 8751 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 8752% 8753Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: 8754 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. 8755% 8756Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: 8757 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the 8758cork makes when it is popped. 8759% 8760Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: 8761 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. 8762% 8763Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: 8764 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that 8765is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can 8766never hope to acquire it. 8767% 8768Menu, n.: 8769 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. 8770% 8771Meskimen's Law: 8772 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to 8773do it over. 8774% 8775MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched. 8776% 8777Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it. 8778% 8779methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- 8780ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- 8781phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- 8782taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- 8783glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- 8784nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- 8785minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- 8786cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- 8787leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- 8788cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- 8789lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- 8790sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- 8791cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- 8792nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- 8793nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- 8794partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- 8795glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- 8796valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- 8797cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- 8798nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- 8799rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- 8800glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- 8801sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- 8802lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- 8803glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: 8804 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a 8805 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. 8806 -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and 8807% 8808Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. 8809% 8810Micro Credo: 8811 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. 8812% 8813"Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been 8814watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks." 8815% 8816"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you 8817out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles." 8818% 8819Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" 8820Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO 8821 inconsiderate." 8822 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" 8823% 8824Miksch's Law: 8825 If a string has one end, then it has another end. 8826% 8827Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. 8828 -- Groucho Marx 8829% 8830Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. 8831 -- Groucho Marx 8832% 8833Millihelen, adj: 8834 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. 8835% 8836Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with 8837themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 8838 -- Susan Ertz 8839% 8840Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that 8841politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum 8842and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they 8843are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to 8844rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all 8845the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert 8846Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert 8847Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when 8848Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the 8849black. 8850 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" 8851% 8852Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there 8853is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, 8854myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in 8855the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my 8856unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You 8857will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as 8858dead as a door-nail. 8859% 8860Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. 8861% 8862Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap 8863pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. 8864% 8865Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. 8866% 8867Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. 8868 -- Russell Baker 8869% 8870Misfortune, n.: 8871 The kind of fortune that never misses. 8872 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8873% 8874Miss, n.: 8875 A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that 8876they are in the market. 8877 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8878% 8879Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. 8880% 8881Mitchell's Law of Committees: 8882 Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are 8883held to discuss it. 8884% 8885MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) 8886 8887 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 88882 cups water 2 cups sugar 88892 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 8890 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine 8891 Cinnamon 8892 8893Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break 8894RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar 8895and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon 8896juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously 8897with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top 8898crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let 8899steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust 8900is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. 8901 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box 8902% 8903Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. 8904% 8905Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked 8906him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just 8907last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew 8908better. 8909% 8910Molecule, n.: 8911 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished 8912from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a 8913closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of 8914matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the 8915atom in that it is an ion ... 8916 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8917% 8918Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: 8919 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented 8920it wasn't worth doing. 8921% 8922Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. 8923% 8924Monday, n.: 8925 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. 8926 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8927% 8928Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. 8929% 8930Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots 8931% 8932Money is the root of all wealth. 8933% 8934Moon, n.: 8935 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to 8936hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). 8937% 8938Mophobia, n.: 8939 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 8940% 8941 MORE SPORTS RESULTS: 8942The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last 8943Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while 8944the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the 8945Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could 8946paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player 8947took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting 8948their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player 8949said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a 8950fight and the match was called by officials. 8951% 8952More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One 8953path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total 8954extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. 8955 -- Woody Allen 8956% 8957Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: 8958 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd 8959be out of a job. 8960% 8961Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex 8962because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs 8963and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little 8964eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around 8965and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the 8966female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just 8967dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven 8968by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the 8969truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of 8970them that it doesn't make any difference. 8971 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 8972 Teen Should Know" 8973% 8974Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently 8975than they do. 8976 -- Turgenev 8977% 8978Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. 8979 -- Frank Zappa 8980% 8981Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. 8982 -- Arnold Bennett 8983% 8984Mother is the invention of necessity. 8985% 8986Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. 8987% 8988Mr. Cole's Axiom: 8989 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the 8990population is growing. 8991% 8992"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) 8993"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old 8994Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his 8995pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes 8996in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be 8997in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, 8998133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" An electronic 8999computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much 9000fun to watch. 9001 -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics) 9002% 9003Murphy's Discovery: 9004 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to 9005women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything 9006will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in 9007trouble! 9008% 9009Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't 9010work. 9011% 9012Murphy's Law of Research: 9013 Enough research will tend to support your theory. 9014% 9015"Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..." 9016 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 9017% 9018 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring 9019Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping 9020pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret 9021military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and 9022Esther and hustle them off to prison. 9023 They can't prove who they are because they've left their 9024passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day 9025and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation 9026movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, 9027charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. 9028 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where 9029they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them 9030if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call 9031her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not 9032possible, and turns to Murray. 9033 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 9034spits in the sergeants face. 9035 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 9036 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 9037% 9038Mustgo, n.: 9039 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so 9040long it has become a science project. 9041 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 9042% 9043"My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on 9044it." 9045 -- "Grendel", by John Gardner 9046% 9047My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I 9048threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. 9049First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the 9050frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up 9051the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed 9052forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier 9053perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through 9054the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative 9055crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a 9056symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state 9057in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I 9058really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded 9059OK. 9060 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 9061% 9062"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless 9063there are three other people." 9064 -- Orson Welles 9065% 9066My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand 9067times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and 9068sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right 9069through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever 9070listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just 9071log out again. 9072% 9073"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?" 9074 -- MadameX 9075% 9076My love runs by like a day in June, 9077 And he makes no friends of sorrows. 9078He'll tread his galloping rigadoon 9079 In the pathway or the morrows. 9080He'll live his days where the sunbeams start 9081 Nor could storm or wind uproot him. 9082My own dear love, he is all my heart -- 9083 And I wish somebody'd shoot him. 9084 -- Dorothy Parker 9085% 9086My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, 9087 And a wild young wood-thing bore him! 9088The ways are fair to his roaming feet, 9089 And the skies are sunlit for him. 9090As sharply sweet to my heart he seems 9091 As the fragrance of acacia. 9092My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- 9093 And I wish he were in Asia. 9094 -- Dorothy Parker 9095% 9096My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been 9097one. 9098 -- Groucho Marx 9099% 9100My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 9101% 9102My own dear love, he is strong and bold 9103 And he cares not what comes after. 9104His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, 9105 And his eyes are lit with laughter. 9106He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- 9107 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. 9108My own dear love, he is all my world -- 9109 And I wish I'd never met him. 9110 -- Dorothy Parker 9111% 9112... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling 9113Alley!! 9114% 9115"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling 9116Alley!!" 9117 -- Zippy the Pinhead 9118% 9119My pen is at the bottom of a page, 9120Which, being finished, here the story ends; 9121'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, 9122But stories somehow lengthen when begun. 9123 -- Byron 9124% 9125My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not 9126signed. 9127 -- Christopher Morley 9128% 9129"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies" 9130% 9131Mythology, n.: 9132 The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its 9133origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished 9134from the true accounts which it invents later. 9135 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9136% 9137 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); 9138 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); 9139 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); 9140 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); 9141 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); 9142 9143 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word. 9144% 9145Naeser's Law: 9146 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it 9147damnfoolproof. 9148% 9149NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he 9150 says is wrong. 9151GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says 9152 will be right. 9153 -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" 9154% 9155Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant 9156said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next 9157time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone 9158might steal it." 9159% 9160Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the 9161villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," 9162said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the 9163villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The 9164remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he 9165said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of 9166my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually 9167spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to. 9168% 9169Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to 9170serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk 9171into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?" 9172"Never." "Then how do you know it was me?" 9173% 9174Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful 9175than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the 9176light more." 9177% 9178Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver 9179pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of 9180meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, 9181"Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without 9182the recipe?" 9183% 9184Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of 9185conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the 9186fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he 9187is most likely to be creamed? 9188 -- Solomon Short 9189% 9190Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, 9191God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. 9192 9193It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! 9194Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. 9195% 9196Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it 9197cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. 9198 -- Fran Leibowitz 9199% 9200Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's 9201character, give him power. 9202 -- Abraham Lincoln 9203% 9204Necessity is a mother. 9205% 9206Neckties strangle clear thinking. 9207 -- Lin Yutang 9208% 9209Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. 9210% 9211Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. 9212% 9213Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. 9214% 9215Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. 9216% 9217Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off 9218% 9219Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled 9220with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to 9221change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually 9222fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators 9223have windows. 9224% 9225Never eat more than you can lift. 9226 -- Miss Piggy 9227% 9228Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 9229% 9230Never let your schooling interfere with your education. 9231% 9232Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. 9233 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" 9234% 9235Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to 9236make it complex and wonderful. 9237% 9238Never offend people with style when you can offend them with 9239substance. 9240 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 9241% 9242Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. 9243% 9244Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a 9245law against it by that time. 9246% 9247Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. 9248% 9249Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. 9250% 9251Never try to outstubborn a cat. 9252 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 9253% 9254Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. 9255 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS 9256% 9257"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon." 9258% 9259Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's 9260supposed to do. 9261 -- R. A. Heinlein 9262% 9263New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. 9264% 9265New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in 9266any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. 9267% 9268New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of 9269Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. 9270% 9271New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. 9272 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book 9273% 9274New systems generate new problems. 9275% 9276New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and 9277his wife most often reminds him to act it. 9278 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 9279% 9280New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. 9281% 9282New York's got the ways and means; 9283Just won't let you be. 9284 -- The Grateful Dead 9285% 9286Newlan's Truism: 9287 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government 9288economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. 9289% 9290NEWS FLASH!! 9291 Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West 9292 German pole-vault champion. 9293% 9294 *** NEWSFLASH *** 9295Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven! 9296% 9297Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. 9298% 9299Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: 9300 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. 9301% 9302Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't 9303have a lucky day this year. 9304% 9305Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying 9306as an income tax refund. 9307 -- F. J. Raymond 9308% 9309"Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice." 9310 -- Foghorn Leghorn 9311% 9312Nihilism should commence with oneself. 9313% 9314Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name 9315correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into 9316(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but 9317Americans call him by value. 9318% 9319Nine megs for the secretaries fair, 9320Seven megs for the hackers scarce, 9321Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, 9322Three megs for system source; 9323 9324One disk to rule them all, 9325One disk to bind them, 9326One disk to hold the files 9327And in the darkness grind 'em. 9328% 9329Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes 9330 And tapes without any tracks; 9331Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes 9332 And tapes mixed up on the racks -- 9333 Take hold of the tape 9334 And pull off the strip, 9335 And then you'll be sure 9336 Your tape drive will skip. 9337 9338 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 9339% 9340"Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they 9341would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect 9342that much." 9343 -- Augustine 9344% 9345Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: 9346 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of 9347the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. 9348% 9349"Nirvana? Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends 9350hang out. 9351 -- Zonker Harris 9352% 9353No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless 9354absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. 9355 -- Fran Lebowitz 9356% 9357No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a 9358camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform 9359effectively under such difficult conditions. 9360 -- Laurence J. Peter 9361% 9362No good deed goes unpunished. 9363 -- Clare Boothe Luce 9364% 9365No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after 9366eating one peanut. 9367 -- Channing Pollock 9368% 9369No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. 9370% 9371No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will 9372seriously cramp his style. 9373% 9374No matter what other nations may say about the United States, 9375immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. 9376% 9377No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 9378 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 9379% 9380"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid." 9381% 9382No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval 9383system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of 9384the author. 9385 -- Chris Shaw 9386% 9387No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- 9388He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. 9389Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame 9390And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. 9391CHORUS: 9392 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 9393 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 9394 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 9395 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 9396Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails 9397And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. 9398All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff 9399But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" 9400 (chorus) 9401Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. 9402The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. 9403A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, 9404But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! 9405 (chorus) 9406% 9407No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 9408% 9409No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. 9410% 9411"No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied 9412occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an 9413indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining 9414occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as 9415an indication-applied occurrence." 9416 -- ALGOL 68 Report 9417% 9418"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of 9419paper." 9420 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was 9421 taken over by Rupert Murdoch 9422% 9423 No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider 9424the furniture! 9425 -- Sherlock Holmes 9426% 9427"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'" 9428 -- Dr. Who 9429% 9430Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing 9431it. 9432 -- Tallulah Bankhead 9433% 9434NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION 9435% 9436Nobody said computers were going to be polite. 9437% 9438Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in 9439order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the 9440substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young 9441and rob the old. 9442 -- Lewis Lapham 9443% 9444Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with 9445constructive praise. 9446% 9447Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: 9448 Negative expectations yield negative results. 9449 Positive expectations yield negative results. 9450% 9451Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. 9452% 9453Noncombatant, n.: 9454 A dead Quaker. 9455 -- Ambrose Bierce 9456% 9457Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. 9458% 9459"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong." 9460% 9461Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 9462% 9463Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the 9464Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats 9465in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the 9466moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a 9467dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every 9468respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside 9469it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, 9470then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they 9471chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... 9472 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 9473% 9474"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none." 9475 -- Shakespeare 9476% 9477"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper 9478is from the wrong kind of tree." 9479 -- Professor W. 9480% 9481Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter 9482of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund 9483is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- 9484unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is 9485careful not to make any poultry jokes ... 9486 -- Woody Allen 9487% 9488Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. 9489% 9490Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. 9491% 9492Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... 9493 9494To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the 9495light comes on. 9496% 9497Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. 9498 -- Andrew Young 9499% 9500Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires 9501tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. 9502 -- Nero Wolfe 9503% 9504Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. 9505Conscience makes egotists of us all. 9506 -- Oscar Wilde 9507% 9508Nothing recedes like success. 9509 -- Walter Winchell 9510% 9511Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited 9512love. 9513 -- Charlie Brown 9514% 9515November, n.: 9516 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 9517 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9518% 9519Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. 9520% 9521Now I lay me down to sleep 9522I pray the double lock will keep; 9523May no brick through the window break, 9524And, no one rob me till I awake. 9525% 9526"Now is the time for all good men to come to." 9527 -- Walt Kelly 9528% 9529Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next 9530time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV 9531to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for 9532eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself 9533the following questions: 9534 9535(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a 9536 food? 9537(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich 9538 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 9539(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as 9540 prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with 9541 double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living 9542 right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like 9543 longer.) 9544 9545That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. 9546% 9547"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called 9548Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that 9549were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..." 9550 -- "The Begatting of a President" 9551% 9552"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a 9553smurfette." 9554 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 9555% 9556... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to 9557get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in 9558the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs 9559on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage 9560children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a 9561snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn 9562to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about 9563a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an 9564outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does 9565he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect 9566Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks 9567Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some 9568kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your 9569children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop 9570quickly. 9571 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9572% 9573 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home 9574tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. 9575 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell 9576plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where 9577they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of 9578Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon 9579administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, 9580you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and 9581described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with 9582interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools 9583that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. 9584 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it 9585inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the 9586so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off 9587if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to 9588direct sunlight. 9589 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 9590% 9591"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile." 9592 -- Karl Lehenbauer 9593% 9594"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of 9595normal routines, for children and adults alike." 9596 -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack" 9597% 9598"Nuclear war would really set back cable." 9599 -- Ted Turner 9600% 9601[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. 9602 -- Edwin Meese III 9603% 9604Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. 9605% 9606(null cookie; hope that's ok) 9607% 9608Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're 9609guessing. 9610% 9611O give me a home, 9612Where the buffalo roam, 9613Where the deer and the antelope play, 9614Where seldom is heard 9615A discouraging word, 9616'Cause what can an antelope say? 9617% 9618O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: 9619 Murphy was an optimist. 9620% 9621"Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a 9622fake?" 9623% 9624Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the 9625reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest 9626amount of hot air. 9627 -- Thomas L. Martin 9628% 9629Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. 9630 -- Plato 9631% 9632Of all the words of witch's doom 9633There's none so bad as which and whom. 9634The man who kills both which and whom 9635Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. 9636 -- Fletcher Knebel 9637% 9638"Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power 9639tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..." 9640 -- Crazy Nigel 9641% 9642Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. 9643% 9644Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. 9645And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a 9646blazer. 9647% 9648Office Automation, n.: 9649 The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone 9650you would want to talk with over coffee. 9651% 9652Ogden's Law: 9653 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch 9654up. 9655% 9656Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo! 9657% 9658Oh don't the days seem lank and long 9659 When all goes right and none goes wrong, 9660And isn't your life extremely flat 9661 With nothing whatever to grumble at! 9662% 9663Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 9664 I muck with indices and structs all day 9665And when it works, I shout hoo-ray 9666 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 9667% 9668Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd 9669be irresponsible, too. 9670 -- Lichty & Wagner 9671% 9672Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, 9673And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; 9674Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth 9675Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things 9676You have not dreamed of -- 9677Wheeled and soared and swung 9678High in the sunlit silence. 9679Hovering there 9680I've chased the shouting wind along and flung 9681My eager craft through footless halls of air. 9682Up, up along delirious, burning blue 9683I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, 9684Where never lark, or even eagle flew; 9685And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod 9686The high untrespassed sanctity of space, 9687Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. 9688 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" 9689% 9690Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. 9691% 9692Oh, when I was in love with you, 9693 Then I was clean and brave, 9694And miles around the wonder grew 9695 How well did I behave. 9696 9697And now the fancy passes by, 9698 And nothing will remain, 9699And miles around they'll say that I 9700 Am quite myself again. 9701 -- A. E. Housman 9702% 9703Oh, wow! Look at the moon! 9704% 9705"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard." 9706 -- Dr. Joy 9707% 9708OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything. 9709% 9710Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. 9711 -- Trotsky 9712% 9713Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. 9714% 9715Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. 9716% 9717Oliver's Law: 9718 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need 9719it. 9720% 9721Omnibiblious, adj.: 9722 Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything. 9723I'm omnibiblious." 9724% 9725OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of 9726JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O 9727as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ... 9728WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES? 9729% 9730On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: 9731 9732"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." 9733 -- Wolfgang Pauli 9734% 9735On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 9736nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 9737what it does. 9738 -- Will Rogers 9739% 9740 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in 9741receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's 9742income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than 9743$283 on the desk before the cashier. 9744 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That 9745route never brought in money like this! What happened?" 9746 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured 9747business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and 9748worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" 9749% 9750On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are 9751created jerks. 9752 -- Avery 9753% 9754On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are 9755created jerks. 9756 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 9757% 9758On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a 9759POINT ... 9760% 9761On the subject of C program indentation: 9762 9763 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be 9764 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." 9765 -- Blair P. Houghton 9766% 9767"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray, 9768Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right 9769answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of 9770confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." 9771 -- Charles Babbage 9772% 9773On-line, adj.: 9774 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a 9775computer. 9776% 9777Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were 9778forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. 9779 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" 9780% 9781Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that 9782each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his 9783choice. 9784 9785In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians 9786called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" 9787and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People 9788passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy 9789Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" 9790 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9791% 9792Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, 9793Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". 9794Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your 9795principals or your mistress". 9796% 9797Once Law was sitting on the bench 9798 And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 9799"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! 9800 Nor come before me creeping. 9801Upon you knees if you appear, 9802'Tis plain you have no standing here." 9803 9804Then Justice came. His Honor cried: 9805 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" 9806"Amica curiae," she replied -- 9807 "Friend of the court, so please you." 9808"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- 9809I never saw your face before!" 9810 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9811% 9812Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human 9813beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by 9814side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them 9815which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the 9816sky. 9817 -- Rainer Rilke 9818% 9819 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a 9820great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to 9821the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of 9822life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But 9823one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is 9824going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I 9825shall die of boredom." 9826 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that 9827current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the 9828rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" 9829 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, 9830and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. 9831Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current 9832lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 9833 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, 9834"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the 9835Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current 9836said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us 9837free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this 9838adventure. 9839 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to 9840the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. 9841% 9842Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of 9843us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of 9844the smaller prime numbers. 9845 98462: The Odd Prime -- 9847 It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED. 98483: The True Prime -- 9849 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true." 985031: The Arbitrary Prime -- 9851 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime 9852 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 9853 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the 9854 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none 9855 at all. 9856 9857Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are 9858derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but 9859true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. 9860% 9861... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you 9862with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday 9863shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday 9864advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a 9865shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take 9866them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. 9867 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9868% 9869Once, adv.: 9870 Enough. 9871 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9872% 9873One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least 9874somebody's listening. 9875 -- Franklin P. Jones 9876% 9877"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." 9878 9879Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. 9880The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. 9881 -- Chuq Von Rospach 9882% 9883One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. 9884% 9885One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing 9886how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. 9887 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi 9888% 9889One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell 9890the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald 9891announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to 9892a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The 9893captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth 9894-- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin, 9895"to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if 9896I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!" 9897"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." 9898% 9899One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet 9900when well oiled. 9901% 9902One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they 9903never have to stop and answer the phone. 9904% 9905One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. 9906 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) 9907% 9908One learns to itch where one can scratch. 9909 -- Ernest Bramah 9910% 9911One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as 9912one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will 9913produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to 9914represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as 9915many ... 9916 -- Anthony Chevins 9917% 9918One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. 9919% 9920One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How 9921will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, 9922I'll tell you." 9923% 9924One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 9925% 9926One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible 9927from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at 9928least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts 9929are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but 9930when He's good, nobody can touch Him. 9931 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 9932% 9933One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to 9934do and always a clever thing to say. 9935 -- Will Durant 9936% 9937"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, 9938lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of 9939their C programs." 9940 -- Robert Firth 9941% 9942One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God 9943create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy 9944retail." 9945 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 9946% 9947 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How 9948enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? 9949 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many 9950years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. 9951Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple 9952language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for 9953students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for 9954interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of 9955its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on 9956VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 9957 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will 9958run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and 9959will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 9960 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and 9961quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With 9962VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of 9963documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the 9964difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS 9965is that it's all there. 9966 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 9967% 9968One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your 9969seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best 9970way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who 9971fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become 9972disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. 9973% 9974The Seventh Commandments for Technicians 9975 Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy 9976fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in 9977other ways. 9978% 9979The First Commandment for Technicians: 9980 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 9981capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most 9982untechnician-like manner. 9983% 9984One Page Principle: 9985 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch 9986paper cannot be understood. 9987 -- Mark Ardis 9988% 9989"One planet is all you get." 9990% 9991One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could 9992manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that 9993they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's 9994say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding 9995study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by 9996sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, 9997strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus 9998rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also 9999be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. 10000Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle 10001Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save 10002millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently 10003support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that 10004your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members 10005of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are 10006already too large to fit on normal aircraft. 10007 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 10008% 10009One reason why George Washington 10010Is held in such veneration: 10011He never blamed his problems 10012On the former Administration. 10013 -- George O. Ludcke 10014% 10015One seldom sees a monument to a committee. 10016% 10017One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh 10018paint. 10019% 10020"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that 10021sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of 10022sheer terror." 10023 -- W. K. Hartmann 10024% 10025One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a 10026new model. 10027% 10028One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. 10029% 10030One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned 10031at the stake while the votes were being counted. 10032 -- Thomas B. Reed 10033% 10034One-Shot Case Study, n.: 10035 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which 10036it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes 10037green. 10038% 10039Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. 10040% 10041Only God can make random selections. 10042% 10043Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to 10044use the editorial "we." 10045% 10046Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. 10047% 10048Optimization hinders evolution. 10049% 10050Optimization hinders evolution. 10051% 10052Oregano, n.: 10053 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. 10054% 10055Oregon, n.: 10056 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday 10057night. 10058% 10059Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry 10060is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. 10061 -- Mike Adams 10062% 10063Osborn's Law: 10064 Variables won't; constants aren't. 10065% 10066Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your 10067nails. 10068% 10069Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is 10070they charge fifteen cents for them. 10071% 10072Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the 10073office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we 10074were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of 10075juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop. 10076 10077He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" 10078 10079Her reply: 10080 10081 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it 10082 means to be a programmer." 10083% 10084Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. 10085 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, 10086 In kernel as it is in user! 10087% 10088Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. 10089 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries 10090% 10091... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce 10092Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One 10093thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If 10094somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it 10095on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what 10096a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. 10097 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" 10098% 10099"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." 10100 -- Alex Schure 10101% 10102"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." 10103 -- Alex Schure 10104% 10105Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. 10106 -- General Omar N. Bradley 10107% 10108 OUTCONERR 10109Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes 10110 Did logzerneg the ifthen block 10111All kludgy were the function flows 10112 And subroutines adhoc. 10113 10114Beware the runtime-bug my friend 10115 squrooneg, the false goto 10116Beware the infiniteloop 10117 And shun the inprectoo. 10118% 10119"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, 10120it's too dark to read." 10121 -- Groucho Marx 10122% 10123Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now 10124I can remember things that *have* happened before ... 10125% 10126Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! 10127% 10128Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. 10129% 10130Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. 10131% 10132Ozman's Laws: 10133 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he 10134 won't. 10135 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they 10136 make. 10137 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 10138 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. 10139% 10140Painting, n.: 10141 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and 10142exposing them to the critic. 10143 -- Ambrose Bierce 10144% 10145panic: can't find / 10146% 10147panic: kernel trap (ignored) 10148% 10149Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much 10150better. 10151 -- Laurie Anderson 10152% 10153Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. 10154% 10155Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. 10156% 10157Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. 10158% 10159Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to 10160criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. 10161 -- D. J. Hicks 10162% 10163Pardo's First Postulate: 10164 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or 10165fattening. 10166 10167Arnold's Addendum: 10168 Everything else causes cancer in rats. 10169% 10170Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction. 10171% 10172Parker's Law: 10173 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. 10174% 10175Parkinson's Fifth Law: 10176 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good 10177bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 10178% 10179Parkinson's Fourth Law: 10180 The number of people in any working group tends to increase 10181regardless of the amount of work to be done. 10182% 10183Parsley 10184 is gharsley. 10185 -- Ogden Nash 10186% 10187Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. 10188% 10189"Pascal is not a high-level language." 10190 -- Steven Feiner 10191% 10192"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat." 10193 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 10194% 10195Pascal Users: 10196 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the 10197death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. 10198% 10199Pascal, n.: 10200 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in 10201his grave if he knew about it. 10202% 10203Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. 10204 -- Eric Hoffer 10205% 10206Patageometry, n.: 10207 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant 10208under brain transplants. 10209% 10210Paul Revere was a tattle-tale 10211% 10212Paul's Law: 10213 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you 10214save. 10215% 10216Paul's Law: 10217 You can't fall off the floor. 10218% 10219Peace, n.: 10220 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two 10221periods of fighting. 10222 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10223% 10224Peanut Blossoms 10225 102264 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 102274 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 102284 cups shortening 14 cups flour 102298 eggs 4 tsp. soda 102304 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt 10231 10232Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie 10233sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a 10234Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a 10235hell of a lot. 10236% 10237Pecor's Health-Food Principle: 10238 Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in 10239it. 10240% 10241Pedaeration, n.: 10242 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the 10243sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. 10244 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 10245% 10246Penguin Trivia #46: 10247 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. 10248 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 10249% 10250People need good lies. There are too many bad ones. 10251 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 10252% 10253People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of 10254the future. 10255% 10256"People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense." 10257 -- Ken Kesey 10258% 10259People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. 10260% 10261People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better 10262press than people who are just funny and smart. 10263 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" 10264% 10265People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never 10266slept in a room with a single mosquito. 10267% 10268People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who 10269haven't what they want that they don't want it. 10270 -- Ogden Nash 10271% 10272People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that 10273Benjamin Franklin said it first. 10274% 10275People will buy anything that's one to a customer. 10276% 10277People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they 10278did yesterday. 10279% 10280Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. 10281"Confound those who have said our remarks before us." 10282 -- Aelius Donatus 10283% 10284Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. 10285% 10286Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but 10287when there is no longer anything to take away. 10288 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 10289% 10290Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 10291% 10292Peter's Law of Substitution: 10293 Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after 10294themselves. 10295% 10296Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to 10297exciting Camden, New Jersey. 10298% 10299Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. 10300% 10301Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. 10302 -- John Keats 10303% 10304Pick another fortune cookie. 10305% 10306"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional 10307hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational 10308sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..." 10309% 10310Pig, n.: 10311 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race 10312by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is 10313inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. 10314 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10315% 10316PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) 10317 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being 10318followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your 10319associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack 10320confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible 10321things to small animals. 10322% 10323PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) 10324 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the 10325American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as 10326nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will 10327probably get run over by a bus. 10328% 10329 Pittsburgh Driver's Test 10330 10331(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light 10332 but a steady left tail light. This means 10333 10334 (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn 10335 to call the problem to the driver's attention. 10336 (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. 10337 (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. 10338 (d) the driver is from out of town. 10339 10340The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign 10341countries to signal turns. 10342% 10343 Pittsburgh Driver's Test 10344 10345(8) Pedestrians are 10346 10347 (a) irrelevant. 10348 (b) communists. 10349 (c) a nuisance. 10350 (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. 10351 10352The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are 10353totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. 10354% 10355Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. 10356 -- Don Marquis 10357% 10358PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the 10359solution set. 10360 -- E. W. Dijkstra 10361% 10362"Plaese porrf raed." 10363 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase 10364% 10365Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia 10366because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers 10367couldn't compete successfully with poets. 10368 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half 10369 Shell" 10370% 10371Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill 10372them. 10373% 10374Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic 10375table. 10376 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 10377% 10378Please ignore previous fortune. 10379% 10380Please take note: 10381% 10382Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" 10383until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched 10384out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, 10385and such. 10386 -- N. Meyrowitz 10387% 10388Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? 10389% 10390 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, 10391requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm 10392into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing 10393problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the 10394radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how 10395plumbing works. 10396 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, 10397except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, 10398it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets 10399and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at 10400all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can 10401kill you. 10402 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 10403% 10404PLUNDERER'S THEME 10405(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) 10406 10407Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 10408If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. 10409Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. 10410Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 10411% 10412Pohl's law: 10413 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. 10414% 10415Police: Good evening, are you the host? 10416Host: No. 10417Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. 10418Host: About the drugs? 10419Police: No. 10420Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? 10421Police: No, the noise. 10422Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns 10423 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the 10424 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? 10425 The neighbors? 10426Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent 10427 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could 10428 ask the host to quiet things down? 10429Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive 10430 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living 10431 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the 10432 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out 10433 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind 10434 down. 10435% 10436Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell 10437all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. 10438% 10439Politician, n.: 10440 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of 10441organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the 10442agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared 10443with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. 10444 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10445% 10446Politician, n.: 10447 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or 10448"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence 10449"polytetien", a person of two or more faces. 10450 -- Martin Pitt 10451% 10452Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even 10453where there is no river. 10454 -- Nikita Khrushchev 10455% 10456Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough 10457to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. 10458% 10459Polymer physicists are into chains. 10460% 10461Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the 10462Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The 10463white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before 10464it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his 10465name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with 10466laughter, singing 10467 Half a pound of tuppenny rice 10468 Half a pound of treacle 10469 That's the way the chimney smokes 10470 Pope Goestheveezl 10471The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of 10472laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for 10473hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron 10474Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653. 10475 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 10476% 10477Portable, adj.: 10478 Survives system reboot. 10479% 10480Positive, adj.: 10481 Mistaken at the top of one's voice. 10482 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10483% 10484Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. 10485% 10486"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat" 10487 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987 10488% 10489Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. 10490% 10491Power, n: 10492 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. 10493% 10494Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little 10495more time for dreaming. 10496 -- J. P. McEvoy 10497% 10498Predestination was doomed from the start. 10499% 10500President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and 10501forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. 10502% 10503President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the 10504vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. 10505 -- The Washington Post 10506% 10507Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! 10508% 10509Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: 10510 It's on the other side. 10511% 10512[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves 10513to see him work. 10514 -- Winston Churchill 10515% 10516Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. 10517% 10518Probable-Possible, my black hen, 10519She lays eggs in the Relative When. 10520She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now 10521Because she's unable to postulate how. 10522 -- Frederick Winsor 10523% 10524Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have 10525orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which 10526is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. 10527 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 10528 Teen Should Know" 10529% 10530Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data 10531 encryption standard and they came up with ... 10532Student: EBCDIC!" 10533% 10534Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. 10535Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on 10536his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's 10537earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30% 10538% 10539Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. 10540 10541This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction 10542techniques are very popular, even the military used them. 10543 10544SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. 10545 10546 We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true 10547for every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n 10548as large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is 10549trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We 10550can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just 10551about _n. 10552 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") 10553% 10554Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. 10555 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. 10556(1) Horses have an even number of legs. 10557(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. 10558(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of 10559 legs for a horse. 10560(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 10561(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. 10562 10563Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by: 10564 Intimidation 10565 Gesticulation (handwaving) 10566 "Try it; it works" 10567 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) 10568 Blatant assertion 10569 Changing all the 2's to _n's 10570 Mutual consent 10571 Lack of a counterexample, and 10572 "It stands to reason" 10573% 10574Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10575 10576BBW Branch Both Ways 10577BEW Branch Either Way 10578BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full 10579BH Branch and Hang 10580BMR Branch Multiple Registers 10581BOB Branch On Bug 10582BPO Branch on Power Off 10583BST Backspace and Stretch Tape 10584CDS Condense and Destroy System 10585CLBR Clobber Register 10586CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately 10587CM Circulate Memory 10588CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming 10589CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip 10590CRN Convert to Roman Numerals 10591% 10592Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10593 10594DC Divide and Conquer 10595DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key 10596DO Divide and Overflow 10597EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator 10598EPI Execute Programmer Immediately 10599EROS Erase Read Only Storage 10600EXCE Execute Customer Engineer 10601HCF Halt and Catch Fire 10602IBP Insert Bug and Proceed 10603INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) 10604PBC Print and Break Chain 10605PDSK Punch Disk 10606% 10607Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10608 10609PI Punch Invalid 10610POPI Punch Operator Immediately 10611PVLC Punch Variable Length Card 10612RASC Read And Shred Card 10613RPM Read Programmers Mind 10614RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy) 10615RTAB Rewind tape and break 10616RWDSK rewind disk 10617RWOC Read Writing On Card 10618SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write 10619SLC Search for Lost Chord 10620SPSW Scramble Program Status Word 10621SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk 10622STROM Store in Read Only Memory 10623TDB Transfer and Drop Bit 10624WBT Water Binary Tree 10625% 10626"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller 10627than the both put together." 10628% 10629Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check 10630three friends. If they're OK, you're it. 10631% 10632Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well 10633anyhow and is certainly a damn fool. 10634 -- H. L. Mencken 10635% 10636Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves 10637to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way 10638to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the 10639cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in 10640fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a 10641lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of 10642the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. 10643 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 10644% 10645Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen. 10646% 10647Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. 10648% 10649Pushing 40 is exercise enough. 10650% 10651Put no trust in cryptic comments. 10652% 10653Put your Nose to the Grindstone! 10654 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. 10655% 10656Putt's Law: 10657 Technology is dominated by two types of people: 10658 Those who understand what they do not manage. 10659 Those who manage what they do not understand. 10660% 10661Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? 10662A: One per person. 10663% 10664Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? 10665A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. 10666% 10667Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ? 10668A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 10669% 10670Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? 10671A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 10672 10673Q: How long does it take? 10674A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've 10675 brought with them. 10676 10677Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? 10678A: They replace your generator. 10679% 10680Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10681A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb 10682 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective 10683 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a 10684 maudlin cosmos of nothingness. 10685% 10686Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb 10687 in San Francisco? 10688A: Both of them. 10689% 10690Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift? 10691A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. 10692% 10693Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? 10694A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. 10695% 10696Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? 10697A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, 10698 Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of 10699 the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% 10700 of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences 10701 of non-blank characters separated by blanks". 10702% 10703Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10704A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring 10705 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government 10706 plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer 10707 prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb 10708 assassin to break the bulb in the first place. 10709% 10710Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10711A: One and a half. 10712% 10713Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10714A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem 10715 to the earlier joke. 10716% 10717Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10718A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those 10719 Californians trying to share the experience. 10720% 10721Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 10722A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub 10723 with brightly colored machine tools. 10724% 10725Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10726A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out 10727 of the way. 10728% 10729Q: What's a light-year? 10730A: One-third less calories than a regular year. 10731% 10732Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? 10733A: Because it was on the other side. 10734% 10735Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? 10736A: To stamp out forest fires. 10737 10738Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? 10739A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 10740% 10741Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? 10742A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. 10743% 10744Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What 10745 should I do? 10746 10747A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on 10748 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be 10749 the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No 10750 time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if 10751 somebody else has made the correction. 10752 10753 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're 10754 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have 10755 to inform the whole net right away! 10756 10757 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions 10758 on Netiquette" 10759% 10760Quality Control, n.: 10761 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off 10762a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. 10763% 10764Question: 10765Man Invented Alcohol, 10766God Invented Grass. 10767Who do you trust? 10768% 10769Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! 10770% 10771Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! 10772% 10773Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. 10774 10775(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) 10776% 10777Quigley's Law: 10778 Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will 10779atttempt to use it. 10780% 10781QUOTE OF THE DAY: 10782 10783 ` 10784 10785% 10786"Qvid me anxivs svm?" 10787% 10788QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 10789 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 10790kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one 10791thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a 10792painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] 10793person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. 10794 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. 10795% 10796Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. 10797% 10798Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something 10799I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of 10800computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport 10801store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told 10802all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all 10803the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are 10804they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current 10805rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on 10806Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be 10807impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying 10808goes, giving away the store? 10809 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President 10810% 10811Ray's Rule of Precision: 10812 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 10813% 10814Razors pain you; 10815Rivers are damp; 10816Acids stain you; 10817And drugs cause cramp. 10818Guns aren't lawful; 10819Nooses give; 10820Gas smells awful; 10821You might as well live. 10822 -- Dorothy Parker 10823% 10824Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe 10825the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described 10826with pictures. 10827% 10828Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of 10829Congress. But I repeat myself. 10830 -- Mark Twain 10831% 10832Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic 10833value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is 10834much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice 10835this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. 10836% 10837Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware 10838has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing 10839machines are so poor at I/O. 10840% 10841Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are 10842so long they can't afford the disk space. 10843% 10844Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write 10845in anything less portable than a number two pencil. 10846% 10847Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker 10848with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they 10849hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for 10850applications.) 10851% 10852Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run 10853on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo 10854sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet. 10855% 10856Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured 10857programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- 10858trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise 10859clear desks. 10860% 10861Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine 10862doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell 10863quiche. 10864% 10865Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it 10866should be hard to understand. 10867% 10868Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the 10869illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how 10870much good it did them. 10871% 10872Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires 10873you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers 10874wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly 10875spring up in the middle of the machine room. 10876% 10877Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write 10878in BASIC after reaching puberty. 10879% 10880Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress 10881freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who 10882wear white socks. 10883% 10884Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who 10885can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. 10886% 10887Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. 10888% 10889Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use 10890functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? 10891% 10892Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. 10893This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a 10894computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. 10895% 10896Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and 10897greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any 10898moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that 10899systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal 10900computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your 10901DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their 10902Correctness Verification Aid packages. 10903% 10904Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the 10905job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like 10906using an undocumented external procedure. 10907% 10908Real Time, adj.: 10909 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there 10910and then. 10911% 10912Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never 10913afraid to break your face. 10914% 10915Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts 10916down the system for days. 10917% 10918Real Users hate Real Programmers. 10919% 10920Real Users know your home telephone number. 10921% 10922Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your 10923program doesn't deliver it. 10924% 10925Real Users never use the Help key. 10926% 10927Real World, The n.: 10928 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may 10929be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To 10930programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related 10931to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and 10932tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. 10933The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. 10934"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used 10935pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking 10936of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a 10937deceased person. 10938% 10939Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs. 10940% 10941Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. 10942% 10943Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? 10944 -- Patrick Sky 10945% 10946Reality is for people who lack imagination. 10947% 10948Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. 10949% 10950Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. 10951 -- Alvy Ray Smith 10952% 10953"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go 10954away". 10955 -- Philip K. Dick 10956% 10957"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!" 10958% 10959Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than 10960being flat broke and having a stomach ache. 10961 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 10962% 10963Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you 10964lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, 10965but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and 10966Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 10967recessions. 10968% 10969Reclaimer, spare that tree! 10970Take not a single bit! 10971It used to point to me, 10972Now I'm protecting it. 10973It was the reader's CONS 10974That made it, paired by dot; 10975Now, GC, for the nonce, 10976Thou shalt reclaim it not. 10977% 10978 "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" 10979Candy 10980Is dandy 10981But liquor 10982Is quicker. 10983 -- Ogden Nash 10984% 10985"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe 10986again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know 10987which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A 10988spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the 10989starfield surrounding the ship. 10990 10991"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC 10992announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they 10993are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been 10994intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and 10995transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. 10996Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." 10997 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" 10998% 10999Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: 11000 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. 11001% 11002Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. 11003 -- Anatole France 11004% 11005"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used 11006it." 11007 -- Dave Barry 11008% 11009Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be 11010worse in Cleveland. 11011 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 11012% 11013Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good 11014offense! 11015% 11016Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. 11017% 11018Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. 11019% 11020Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 11021 -- Dave Butler 11022% 11023Renning's Maxim: 11024 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. 11025% 11026Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western 11027 Civilization? 11028Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. 11029% 11030Reporter, n.: 11031 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a 11032tempest of words. 11033 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 11034% 11035REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? 11036 11037SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that 11038the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can 11039carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." 11040I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind 11041of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to 11042do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of 11043ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we 11044need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political 11045career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but 11046that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I 11047can't help it. 11048 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 11049% 11050Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. 11051 -- Wernher von Braun 11052% 11053Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get 11054another chance later on. 11055% 11056Review Questions 11057 11058(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, 11059 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before 11060 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the 11061 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? 11062 11063(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks 11064 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks 11065 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off 11066 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? 11067 11068(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers 11069 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a 11070 pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King 11071 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? 11072% 11073Rhode's Law: 11074 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, 11075circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, 11076empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, 11077induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always 11078for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, 11079material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or 11080none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, 11081proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, 11082universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it 11083becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. 11084% 11085"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time." 11086 -- Steven Wright 11087% 11088Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention 11089 Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will 11090 reject the proposal. 11091% 11092Romeo wasn't bilked in a day. 11093 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With 11094 Pogo" 11095% 11096ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. 11097MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- 11098 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. 11099% 11100Rudin's Law: 11101 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it 11102every time. 11103% 11104Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: 11105 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall 11106be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person 11107shall be deemed to be a cat. 11108% 11109Rule of Creative Research: 11110 (1) Never draw what you can copy. 11111 (2) Never copy what you can trace. 11112 (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 11113% 11114Rule of Defactualization: 11115 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. 11116% 11117Rule of Feline Frustration: 11118 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly 11119content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. 11120% 11121Rule of the Great: 11122 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep 11123thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. 11124% 11125Rules for Academic Deans: 11126 (1) HIDE!!!! 11127 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! 11128 -- Father Damian C. Fandal 11129% 11130Rules for driving in New York: 11131 (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 11132 (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers 11133 on. 11134 (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the 11135 intersection. 11136% 11137RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 11138 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. 11139 (2) Never leave the table hungry. 11140 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 11141 (4) Enjoy your food. 11142 (5) Enjoy your companion's food. 11143 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to 11144 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 11145 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, 11146 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a 11147 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? 11148 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 11149 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You 11150 can always eat it later. 11151 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 11152 (11) Avoid blue food. 11153 -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet" 11154% 11155Rules: 11156 (1) The boss is always right. 11157 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. 11158% 11159 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 11160 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. 11161 11162(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, 11163 ants. 11164(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships. 11165(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 11166(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter. 11167(5) Exotic birds flock around you. 11168(6) People ignore you at parties. 11169(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 11170(8) You no longer get off on cocaine. 11171% 11172 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 11173(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear 11174 bomb; use the stairs. 11175(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit 11176 the ground. 11177(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 11178(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to 11179 psychological problems. 11180(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to 11181 recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed 11182 potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 11183(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs 11184 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 11185(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. 11186(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be 11187 staggering illegally. 11188(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more 11189 sanitary due to limited circulation. 11190(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on 11191 D-Day. 11192% 11193SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) 11194 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless 11195 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority 11196 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People 11197 laugh at you a great deal. 11198% 11199San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. 11200 -- Herb Caen 11201% 11202San Francisco, n.: 11203 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. 11204% 11205Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. 11206 -- Mark Harrold 11207% 11208Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, 11209 He must be a communist. 11210And a beard and long hair, 11211 Must be a pacifist. 11212 11213 What's in that pipe that he's smoking? 11214 -- Arlo Guthrie 11215% 11216Satellite Safety Tip #14: 11217 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. 11218% 11219Sattinger's Law: 11220 It works better if you plug it in. 11221% 11222Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, 11223 Is like being nowhere at all, 11224All through the day how the hours rush by, 11225 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. 11226 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" 11227% 11228Sauron is alive in Argentina! 11229% 11230Save energy: be apathetic. 11231% 11232Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. 11233% 11234Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 11235% 11236"Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I 11237ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. 11238 -- Steven Wright 11239% 11240SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! 11241 -- Ken Thompson 11242% 11243Schapiro's Explanation: 11244 The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's 11245because they use more manure. 11246% 11247Schizophrenia beats being alone. 11248% 11249Schlattwhapper, n.: 11250 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, 11251hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. 11252 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11253% 11254Schnuffel, n.: 11255 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in 11256mixed company. 11257 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11258% 11259Schwiggle, n.: 11260 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a 11261pencil. 11262 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11263% 11264Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made 11265of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts 11266is not necessarily science. 11267 -- Henri Poincair'e 11268% 11269Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. 11270% 11271Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. 11272 -- William Buckley 11273 11274% 11275SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) 11276 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will 11277 achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of 11278 ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. 11279% 11280Scott's first Law: 11281 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. 11282% 11283Scott's second Law: 11284 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found 11285to have been wrong in the first place. 11286 11287Corollary: 11288 After the correction has been found in error, it will be 11289impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. 11290% 11291Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! 11292Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? 11293Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. 11294Kirk: Then it's of external origin? 11295Spock: Affirmative. 11296Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. 11297Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. 11298% 11299Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. 11300% 11301Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the 11302Presidency. 11303 -- Richard Nixon 11304% 11305Second Law of Business Meetings: 11306 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you 11307will pick the wrong one. 11308 11309Corollary: 11310 If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it 11311wrong, anyway. 11312% 11313"Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). 11314 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a 11315multiline message byte. 11316 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message 11317must be sent passive true. 11318 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: 11319 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false 11320 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: 11321 (a) The LADS is active 11322 (b) Nor LACS is active" 11323 11324 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for 11325 Programmable Instrumentation 11326% 11327Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! 11328% 11329Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. 11330She scissored short. Sorely shorn, 11331Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, 11332Silently scheming, 11333Sightlessly seeking 11334Some savage, spectacular suicide. 11335 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 11336% 11337"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..." 11338% 11339Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: 11340 Ice Cream cures all ills. 11341% 11342Self Test for Paranoia: 11343 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's 11344your own fault. 11345% 11346Seminars, n.: 11347 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. 11348% 11349Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would 11350 notify you if the record has pornographics material or 11351 material glorifying violence?" 11352Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." 11353Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's 11354 legs on the album cover is good indication that it's 11355 not for little Johnny." 11356 11357 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock 11358 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 11359% 11360Senate, n.: 11361 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and 11362misdemeanors. 11363 -- Ambrose Bierce 11364% 11365Serenity through viciousness. 11366% 11367Serocki's Stricture: 11368 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. 11369% 11370Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 11371% 11372 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated 11373thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY 11374advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." 11375 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. 11376 "Too proud?" the other enquired. 11377 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," 11378she said, "that one can't help growing older." 11379 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With 11380proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." 11381 -- Lewis Carroll 11382% 11383Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a 11384big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at 11385reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's 11386build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up 11387like crabgrass all over the United States. 11388 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 11389% 11390Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke. 11391% 11392Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 11393 -- Swami X 11394% 11395Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. 11396 -- M. C. Reed. 11397% 11398Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, 11399it's one of the best. 11400 -- Woody Allen 11401% 11402Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: 11403 A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the 11404temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. 11405 A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog 11406functionaries, and there's a joke about that: 11407 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the 11408middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be 11409bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 11410 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I 11411am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks 11412he's nobody!" 11413 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 11414% 11415Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off 11416during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. 11417 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 11418 Teen Should Know" 11419% 11420Shaw's Principle: 11421 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will 11422want to use it. 11423% 11424"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to." 11425 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 11426% 11427She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. 11428 -- Mark Twain 11429% 11430She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them 11431were bad. 11432% 11433She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could 11434have poured on a waffle ... 11435% 11436"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, 11437you should hear me play piano.'" 11438 -- Morrisey 11439% 11440She's genuinely bogus. 11441% 11442"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have 11443taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an 11444excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature." 11445 -- Samuel Johnson 11446% 11447SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! 11448POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! 11449% 11450Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is 11451playing golf with his boss. 11452% 11453Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. 11454% 11455Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. 11456 -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet 11457% 11458Silverman's Law: 11459 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 11460% 11461Simon's Law: 11462 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. 11463% 11464Since I hurt my pendulum 11465My life is all erratic. 11466My parrot, who was cordial, 11467Is now transmitting static. 11468The carpet died, a palm collapsed, 11469The cat keeps doing poo. 11470The only thing that keeps me sane 11471Is talking to my shoe. 11472 -- My Shoe 11473% 11474Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're 11475alive. 11476 -- John Sloan 11477% 11478Since we're all here, we must not be all there. 11479 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck 11480% 11481[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the 11482vices I admire. 11483 -- Winston Churchill 11484% 11485Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate 11486Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically 11487excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. 11488This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally 11489examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published 11490Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be 11491printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry 11492comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had 11493no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. 11494% 11495Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): 11496 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, 11497or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should 11498have gotten. 11499% 11500Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes 11501to work. 11502% 11503Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, 11504when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and 11505apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I 11506neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a 11507tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they 11508were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of 11509souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a 11510testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from 11511chains. 11512 -- Frederick Douglass 11513% 11514Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 11515 (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad 11516 check. 11517 (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 11518 (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is 11519 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is 11520 attracted to dark objects. 11521% 11522Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... 11523% 11524Slurm, n.: 11525 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when 11526it sits in the dish too long. 11527 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11528% 11529Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 11530 -- Fletcher Knebel 11531% 11532Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 11533 -- Fletcher Knebel 11534% 11535Snacktrek, n.: 11536 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly 11537returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have 11538materialized. 11539 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11540% 11541So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate 11542your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and 11543hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast 11544array of 8-millimeter video equipment. 11545 11546... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you 11547were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format 11548that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as 11549toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be 11550made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a 11551format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*. 11552 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics 11553 Revolution" 11554% 11555So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in 11556praise of intelligence. 11557 -- Bertrand Russell 11558% 11559... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those 11560who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, 11561and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious 11562and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. 11563 -- Voltarine de Cleyre 11564% 11565 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. 11566With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to 11567maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of 11568corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to 11569flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward 11570it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- 11571I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in 11572the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. 11573 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and 11574I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our 11575heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're 11576unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water 11577up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the 11578opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of 11579our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all 11580the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers 11581cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen 11582these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked 11583into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. 11584 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 11585% 11586"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple 11587pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops 11588its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very 11589imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, 11590and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, 11591and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the 11592gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots." 11593 -- Samuel Foote 11594% 11595... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their 11596procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as 11597to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of 11598sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making 11599documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly 11600listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another 11601documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, 11602under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the 11603effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply 11604scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White 11605in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of 11606thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 11607then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very 11608dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all 11609along. 11610 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 11611% 11612So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever 11613remember his Bible? 11614% 11615Sodd's Second Law: 11616 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is 11617bound to occur. 11618% 11619Software, n.: 11620 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. 11621% 11622Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. 11623% 11624Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. 11625 -- Ed Howe 11626% 11627Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to 11628celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around 11629stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on 11630"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind 11631of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The 11632government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level 11633Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and 11634billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which 11635it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming 11636thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with 11637the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money 11638and go to a mall. 11639 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 11640% 11641Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some 11642people have mediocrity thrust upon them. 11643 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 11644% 11645Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only 11646one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." 11647% 11648Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit 11649them on the head. 11650% 11651Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic. 11652% 11653Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when 11654you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even 11655worse. 11656 -- Avery 11657% 11658Some points to remember [about animals]: 11659 11660(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, 11661 hippopotamuses; 11662(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the 11663 front of your clothes; 11664(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs 11665 you have just kicked. 11666 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 11667% 11668Some primal termite knocked on wood. 11669And tasted it, and found it good. 11670And that is why your Cousin May 11671Fell through the parlor floor today. 11672 -- Ogden Nash 11673% 11674Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand 11675progress. 11676% 11677Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand 11678progress. 11679 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11680% 11681Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the 11682pens will multiply instead of disappear. 11683% 11684Someone will try to honk your nose today. 11685% 11686"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm 11687the only ashtray." 11688% 11689Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. 11690 -- Lily Tomlin 11691% 11692"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the 11693Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then 11694intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men 11695and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our 11696best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are 11697we not God's Machineries of Joy?" 11698 11699"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." 11700 -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" 11701% 11702Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. 11703% 11704Song Title of the Week: 11705 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change 11706in me." 11707% 11708Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already 11709paid may disregard this fortune). 11710% 11711Sorry, no fortune this time. 11712% 11713Sorry. I forget what I was going to say. 11714% 11715Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- 11716bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the 11717road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. 11718 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 11719% 11720"Spare no expense to save money on this one." 11721 -- Samuel Goldwyn 11722% 11723Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: 11724 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as 11725if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question 11726back at him. 11727% 11728Speak roughly to your little boy, 11729 And beat him when he sneezes: 11730He only does it to annoy 11731 Because he knows it teases. 11732 11733 Wow! wow! wow! 11734 11735I speak severely to my boy, 11736 And beat him when he sneezes: 11737For he can thoroughly enjoy 11738 The pepper when he pleases! 11739 11740 Wow! wow! wow! 11741 -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" 11742% 11743Speak roughly to your little VAX, 11744 And boot it when it crashes; 11745It knows that one cannot relax 11746 Because the paging thrashes! 11747 11748 Wow! Wow! Wow! 11749 11750I speak severely to my VAX, 11751 And boot it when it crashes; 11752In spite of all my favorite hacks 11753 My jobs it always thrashes! 11754 11755 Wow! Wow! Wow! 11756% 11757Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. 11758% 11759Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. 11760 -- Dave Millman 11761% 11762Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am 11763sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, 11764cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free 11765the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a 11766bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a 11767controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before 11768passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same 11769memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, 11770no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously 11771designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? 11772% 11773Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: 11774 11775 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair 11776 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! 11777 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down 11778 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! 11779 Helpless users with projects due 11780 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! 11781 11782 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! 11783 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" 11784 11785* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation 11786* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. 11787 -- Curtis Jackson 11788% 11789Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently 11790these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people 11791to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't 11792communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so 11793on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real 11794life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't 11795communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least 11796he can do is to Shut Up! 11797 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" 11798% 11799"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy." 11800% 11801Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: 11802 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the 11803number of times you have looked at it. 11804% 11805Spelling is a lossed art. 11806% 11807Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. 11808% 11809Spirtle, n.: 11810 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in 11811your eye. 11812 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 11813% 11814Spouse, n.: 11815 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you 11816wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. 11817% 11818"Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist 11819drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'ee of bat guano; and the 11820greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll 11821take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!" 11822 -- Harlan Ellison 11823% 11824Stay away from flying saucers today. 11825% 11826Stay away from hurricanes for a while. 11827% 11828"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly." 11829% 11830Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: 11831 Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have 11832another drink. 11833% 11834Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: 11835 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to 11836handle. 11837% 11838Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 11839% 11840Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only 11841take a bath ... 11842% 11843Stult's Report: 11844 Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is 11845fight the solutions. 11846% 11847Stupid, n.: 11848 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. 11849% 11850Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? 11851% 11852Sturgeon's Law: 11853 90% of everything is crud. 11854% 11855Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your 11856editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. 11857 -- Mark Twain 11858% 11859Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way 11860before it is understood. 11861% 11862Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. 11863% 11864Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar 11865without his duck ... 11866% 11867(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) 11868 11869 To code the impossible code, 11870 To bring up a virgin machine, 11871 To pop out of endless recursion, 11872 To grok what appears on the screen, 11873 11874 To right the unrightable bug, 11875 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, 11876 To mount the unmountable magtape, 11877 To stop the unstoppable crash! 11878% 11879Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! 11880% 11881Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy. 11882% 11883Support your local police force -- steal!! 11884% 11885Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. 11886% 11887Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead! 11888% 11889Surprise due today. Also the rent. 11890% 11891Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. 11892% 11893Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type 11894in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving 11895the room is punishable under law: 11896 11897Name # 11898% 11899Swahili, n.: 11900 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their 11901retractions. 11902 -- Johnny Hart 11903% 11904Sweater, n.: 11905 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. 11906% 11907Swipple's Rule of Order: 11908 He who shouts the loudest has the floor. 11909% 11910Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. 11911 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11912% 11913System/3! System/3! 11914See how it runs! See how it runs! 11915 Its monitor loses so totally! 11916 It runs all its programs in RPG! 11917 It's made by our favorite monopoly! 11918System/3! 11919% 11920Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad 11921infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. 11922 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11923% 11924 _ 11925 _ / \ o 11926 / \ | | o o o 11927 | | | | _ o o o o 11928 | \_| | / \ o o o 11929 \__ | | | o o 11930 | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____ 11931 | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__ 11932 | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\ 11933 | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " ) 11934 | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >----------- 11935 | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\ 11936 | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\ 11937 // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\ 11938 // ( ) / / \` \__ \\ 11939 //-------------------------------------------------------------\\ 11940 11941Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels 11942start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and 11943then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the 11944music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. 11945 -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 11946% 11947T: One big monster, he called TROLL. 11948 He don't rock, and he don't roll; 11949 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. 11950 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. 11951 -- The Roguelet's ABC 11952% 11953Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a 11954hole in his head. 11955% 11956Tact, n.: 11957 The unsaid part of what you're thinking. 11958% 11959Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. 11960% 11961Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting 11962enough cheese 11963 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 11964% 11965Take it easy, we're in a hurry. 11966% 11967Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it 11968needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. 11969 -- Kipling 11970% 11971Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit 11972back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good 11973beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up 11974drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a 11975nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves 11976and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So 11977Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw 11978no need to improve ... 11979 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 11980% 11981Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to 11982your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, 11983and they'll call you crazy. 11984 -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" 11985% 11986Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. 11987 -- Euripides 11988% 11989Talkers are no good doers. 11990 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 11991% 11992Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. 11993 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 11994% 11995TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) 11996 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged 11997 determination and work like hell. Most people think you are 11998 stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. 11999% 12000Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind 12001the tree." 12002 -- Russell Long 12003% 12004Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself 12005out of the market. 12006% 12007Taxes, n.: 12008 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get 12009an extension. 12010% 12011Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he 12012grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. 12013% 12014Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. 12015% 12016Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means 12017for going backwards. 12018 -- Aldous Huxley 12019% 12020Telephone, n.: 12021 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the 12022advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 12023 -- Ambrose Bierce 12024% 12025Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, 12026Is those things arms, or is they legs? 12027I marvel at thee, Octopus; 12028If I were thou, I'd call me us. 12029 -- Ogden Nash 12030% 12031Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop 12032writing. 12033 -- R. Geis 12034% 12035"Terence, this is stupid stuff: 12036You eat your victuals fast enough; 12037There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, 12038To see the rate you drink your beer. 12039But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, 12040It gives a chap the belly-ache. 12041The cow, the old cow, she is dead; 12042It sleeps well the horned head: 12043We poor lads, 'tis our turn now 12044To hear such tunes as killed the cow. 12045Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme 12046Your friends to death before their time. 12047Moping, melancholy mad: 12048Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad." 12049 -- A. E. Housman 12050% 12051"Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a 12052surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one 12053hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other 12054hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother." 12055 -- Len Cool, "American Pie" 12056% 12057Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a 12058pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city 12059until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is 12060ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe 12061because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical 12062fact, for he merely said: 12063 12064 "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because 12065 it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain 12066 because it is impossible." 12067 12068Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of 12069philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. 12070 -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types 12071 12072(Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church). 12073% 12074Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. 12075% 12076Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. 12077% 12078"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even 12079one which cannot be justified on any other grounds." 12080 -- J. Finnegan, USC. 12081% 12082Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. 12083 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly 12084% 12085"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver" 12086 -- Foghorn Leghorn 12087% 12088"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all." 12089% 12090That secret you've been guarding, isn't. 12091% 12092That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. 12093 -- Dorothy Parker 12094% 12095The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. 12096% 12097The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by 12098people who want some. 12099 -- Dwight MacDonald 12100% 12101The Abrams' Principle: 12102 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. 12103% 12104The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper 12105 -- Thomas Jefferson 12106% 12107The Advertising Agency Song: 12108 12109 When your client's hopping mad, 12110 Put his picture in the ad. 12111 If he still should prove refractory, 12112 Add a picture of his factory. 12113% 12114"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug 12115someone with it." 12116 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 12117% 12118... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that 12119consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune 12120of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to 12121listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. 12122 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12123% 12124The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas 12125River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little 12126Rock. 12127% 12128The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. 12129Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed 12130and color, but also on ability. 12131 -- T. Lehrer 12132% 12133The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. 12134 -- Bill Murray 12135% 12136The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use 12137in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the 12138Declaration not for that, but for future use. 12139 -- Abraham Lincoln 12140% 12141The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m. 12142% 12143The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the 12144average man can see better than he can think. 12145% 12146"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by 12147people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried 12148anything." 12149 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore 12150% 12151The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than 12152cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and 12153difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, 12154which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- 12155here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO 12156RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you 12157want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking 12158lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a 12159squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out 12160and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, 12161his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was 12162neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking 12163lots. 12164 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 12165% 12166The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit 12167called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in 12168writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would 12169be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices 12170immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a 12171bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special 12172Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of 12173paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty 12174would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. 12175The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to 12176emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood 12177Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." 12178 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 12179% 12180The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; 12181but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. 12182% 12183The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. 12184 -- W. C. Fields 12185% 12186The best defense against logic is ignorance. 12187% 12188The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. 12189% 12190"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and 12191blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. 12192You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at 12193night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only 12194love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or 12195know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only 12196one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what 12197wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, 12198never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never 12199dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a 12200lot of things there are to learn." 12201 -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" 12202% 12203The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them 12204is a match. 12205 -- Will Rogers 12206% 12207The bigger the theory the better. 12208% 12209The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse 12210time. 12211 -- Merrick Furst 12212% 12213The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss 12214Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. 12215 12216It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been 12217known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, 12218in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two 12219under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of 12220people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a 12221city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking 12222umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of 12223activity that frightens the horses on the street ... 12224% 12225"The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch." 12226% 12227The bogosity meter just pegged. 12228% 12229The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up 12230in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. 12231% 12232The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: 12233 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a 12234program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and 12235convert to the next higher units. 12236% 12237The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. 12238Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in 12239automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. 12240 -- Art Buchwald 12241% 12242The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding 12243bureaucracy. 12244% 12245"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the 12246flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language." 12247% 12248The camel has a single hump; 12249The dromedary two; 12250Or else the other way around. 12251I'm never sure. Are you? 12252 -- Ogden Nash 12253% 12254The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly 12255greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed 12256inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner 12257party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. 12258 -- H. L. Mencken 12259% 12260"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain." 12261 -- G. Fitch 12262% 12263The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up 12264at the steam fitters' picnic. 12265% 12266The chief cause of problems is solutions. 12267% 12268The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions. 12269 -- Alfred Adler 12270% 12271The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will 12272walk carefully. 12273 -- Russian Proverb 12274% 12275"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live 12276elsewhere." 12277% 12278"The Computer made me do it." 12279% 12280The computing field is always in need of new cliches. 12281 -- Alan Perlis 12282% 12283The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his 12284memos. 12285 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 12286% 12287The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other 12288subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up 12289every bird watcher in the country. 12290 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972 12291% 12292The Consultant's Curse: 12293 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him 12294what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong 12295medicine, and is normally only required once. 12296% 12297The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is 12298none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." 12299Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. 12300Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you 12301talked about. 12302 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 12303% 12304The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 12305% 12306The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going 12307down. 12308% 12309The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to 12310eat. 12311 -- John McNulty 12312% 12313The Crown is full of it! 12314 -- Nate Harris, 1775 12315% 12316The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should 12317therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could 12318hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to 12319declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war, 12320then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. 12321Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. 12322 -- William Ellery Channing 12323% 12324The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. 12325% 12326The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of 12327us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching 12328Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. 12329% 12330The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? 12331% 12332The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. 12333% 12334"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell 12335into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him 12336out again, it would be a calamity." 12337 -- Benjamin Disraeli 12338% 12339The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science 12340requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require 12341scholarship. 12342 -- Robert Heinlein 12343% 12344The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the 12345following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: 12346 12347 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. 12348Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is 12349Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. 12350 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. 12351Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. 12352Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. 12353Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is 12354goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that 12355Jews won't go near them ..." 12356 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 12357% 12358The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on 12359a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. 12360% 12361The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man 12362really clever who has not found that he is stupid. 12363 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson 12364% 12365The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show 12366off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his 12367next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the 12368duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the 12369duck and returned it to his master. 12370 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. 12371 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't 12372swim." 12373% 12374The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late 12375and owns the worm farm. 12376 -- Travis McGee 12377% 12378The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. 12379% 12380The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and 12381add ten percent. 12382% 12383The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on 12384weather forecasters. 12385 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann 12386% 12387"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not 12388Compute' -- I forget which." 12389 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 12390% 12391The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of 12392civilization. 12393 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 12394% 12395The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with 12396symposium to follow. 12397% 12398The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach 12399their children to speak it. 12400 -- G. B. Shaw 12401% 12402The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a 12403remarkable Christian forbearance among men. 12404 -- Ambrose Bierce 12405% 12406The fact that it works is immaterial. 12407 -- L. Ogborn 12408% 12409The faster we go, the rounder we get. 12410 -- The Grateful Dead 12411% 12412The Fifth Rule: 12413 You have taken yourself too seriously. 12414% 12415The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. 12416 -- Abbie Hoffman 12417% 12418The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King 12419Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a 12420tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad 12421forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously 12422fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of 12423threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked 12424suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of 12425foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead 12426one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with 12427dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found 12428drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown 12429and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have 12430thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture 12431of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left 12432in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed 12433crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave 12434Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when 12435a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful 12436throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. 12437 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 12438% 12439The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of 12440management is that success equals skill. 12441 -- Robert Heller 12442% 12443The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish 12444child, was propounded to me by my father: 12445 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and 12446whistles?" 12447 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity 12448gave up. 12449 "A herring," said my father. 12450 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" 12451 "So hang it there." 12452 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. 12453 "Paint it." 12454 "But a herring isn't wet." 12455 "If its just painted its still wet." 12456 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring 12457doesn't whistle!!" 12458 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it 12459hard." 12460 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" 12461% 12462"The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your 12463hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do." 12464 -- McCloctnik the Lucid 12465% 12466The First Rule of Program Optimization: 12467 Don't do it. 12468 12469The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): 12470 Don't do it yet. 12471 -- Michael Jackson 12472% 12473The first time, it's a KLUDGE! 12474The second, a trick. 12475Later, it's a well-established technique! 12476 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics 12477% 12478The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions 12479Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: 12480 12481As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of 12482logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more 12483appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the 12484four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. 12485 . . . 12486Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible 12487blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves 12488parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge 12489of the hyper-cube. 12490% 12491The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by 12492a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. 12493% 12494"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and 12495vinyl." 12496 -- Dave Barry 12497% 12498The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the 12499number of your kids by 32 teeth. 12500% 12501The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to 12502chance. 12503% 12504The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. 12505% 12506The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the 12507center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South 12508Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South 12509End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. 12510% 12511The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled 12512today. 12513% 12514The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at 12515least until we've finished building it. 12516% 12517The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature 12518is to build better mice. 12519% 12520The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him 12521love and he invented marriage. 12522% 12523THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES 12524 The one who has the gold makes the rules. 12525% 12526"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who 12527make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians 12528have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine 12529man in the bonds of Hell." 12530 -- St. Augustine 12531% 12532The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got 12533to be good. 12534% 12535 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop") 12536 12537On the good ship Enterprise 12538Every week there's a new surprise 12539Where the Romulans lurk 12540And the Klingons often go berserk. 12541 12542Yes, the good ship Enterprise 12543There's excitement anywhere it flies 12544Where Tribbles play 12545And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. 12546 12547 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, 12548 Mr. Spock is at his side. 12549 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh 12550 It gets fried, scattered far and wide. 12551 12552It's the good ship Enterprise 12553Heading out where danger lies 12554And you live in dread 12555If you're wearing a shirt that's red. 12556 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics 12557% 12558The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of 12559statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are 12560extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive 12561displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every 12562case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts 12563down anything he damn well pleases. 12564 -- Sir Josiah Stamp 12565% 12566The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all 12567who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. 12568 -- Benjamin Franklin. 12569% 12570The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: 12571 The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in 12572courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk 12573clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods 12574of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp 12575Hedgehog Eater. 12576 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12577% 12578The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men 12579of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. 12580 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis 12581% 12582The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. 12583 -- Albert Einstein 12584% 12585The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom 12586whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, 12587nohow. 12588% 12589The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: 12590 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. 12591% 12592The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent 12593thinkers. 12594% 12595The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, 12596which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at 12597least 5000 years old." 12598% 12599The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for 12600lists of "Ten Best". 12601 -- H. Allen Smith 12602% 12603"The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and 12604has gills through which it can see." 12605 -- Monty Python 12606% 12607The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity 12608-- the rest is overhead for the operating system. 12609% 12610The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange 12611protein -- it rejects it. 12612 -- P. Medawar 12613% 12614The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can 12615remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider 12616struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in 12617spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and 12618wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head 12619off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe. 12620 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 12621% 12622The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. 12623 -- Mark Twain 12624% 12625The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that 12626procession but carrying a banner. 12627 -- Mark Twain 12628% 12629The idea is to die young as late as possible. 12630 -- Ashley Montagu 12631% 12632The idea is to die young as late as possible. 12633 -- Ashley Montague 12634% 12635The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic 12636devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, 12637where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with 12638sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, 12639consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than 12640have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones 12641repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist 12642of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic 12643devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" 12644 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 12645% 12646"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different." 12647 -- Franco Spisani 12648% 12649"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit 12650longer." 12651 -- Henry Kissinger 12652% 12653The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf 12654has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know 12655when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. 12656 -- Will Rogers 12657% 12658The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important 12659point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly 12660important thing to people. 12661 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King 12662% 12663The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the 12664number of participants. 12665 -- Adam Walinsky 12666% 12667The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided 12668by the number of people in the group. 12669% 12670The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free 12671information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a 12672dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a 12673real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. 12674 12675So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never 12676pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big 12677consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... 12678 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 12679% 12680The Kennedy Constant: 12681 Don't get mad -- get even. 12682% 12683The Killer Ducks are coming!!! 12684% 12685The ladies men admire, I've heard, 12686Would shudder at a wicked word. 12687Their candle gives a single light; 12688They'd rather stay at home at night. 12689They do not keep awake till three, 12690Nor read erotic poetry. 12691They never sanction the impure, 12692Nor recognize an overture. 12693They shrink from powders and from paints ... 12694So far, I've had no complaints. 12695 -- Dorothy Parker 12696% 12697"The last time somebody said, `I find I can write much better with a 12698word processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about 12699drugs.' 12700 -- Roy Blount, Jr. 12701% 12702The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the 12703law free. 12704 -- Henry David Thoreau 12705% 12706The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the 12707poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal 12708bread. 12709 -- Anatole France 12710% 12711"The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all 12712men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the 12713universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we 12714presently imagine we own." 12715 -- H.G. Wells 12716% 12717 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE 12718 12719SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language 12720Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for 12721Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code 12722with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, 12723END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make 12724a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus 12725they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without 12726the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. 12727% 12728 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP 12729 12730This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of 12731an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said 12732to be useful in protheththing lithtth. 12733% 12734 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL 12735 12736SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. 12737Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they 12738compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the 12739coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom 12740sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to 12741compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but 12742infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. 12743% 12744 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE 12745 12746Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely 12747unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just 12748are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. 12749SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at 12750parties. 12751% 12752 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- 12753 12754This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he 12755submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is 12756best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the 12757language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code 12758statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very 12759similar to COBOL. 12760% 12761 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH 12762 12763FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types 12764refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and 12765JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and 12766BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, 12767CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. 12768 12769The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and 12770financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include 12771VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH 12772and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers 12773who end up using this language. 12774% 12775 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE 12776 12777Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene 12778DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The 12779language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics 12780and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A 12781spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of 12782ours." 12783 12784The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have 12785almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the 12786organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to 12787exist. 12788% 12789 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL 12790From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, 12791VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. 12792 12793Here is a sample program: 12794 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START 12795 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND 12796 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN 12797 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 12798 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2) 12799 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) 12800 SURE 12801 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM 12802 REALLY 12803 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) 12804 IM*SURE 12805 GOTO THE MALL 12806 12807When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: 12808 12809 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! 12810% 12811 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK 12812 12813This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, 12814Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to 12815the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. 12816 12817The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs 12818while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there 12819because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and 12820Perrier. 12821 12822Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle 12823and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower 12824case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the 12825message: 12826 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can 12827 you find the time to try it again?" 12828% 12829The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching 12830train. 12831% 12832The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. 12833% 12834The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get 12835much sleep. 12836 -- Woody Allen 12837% 12838The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. 12839 -- Henry Kissinger 12840% 12841"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as 12842we could with both of them." 12843 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 12844% 12845The makers may make 12846and the users may use, 12847but the fixers must fix 12848with but minimal clues 12849% 12850The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the 12851crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no 12852one has ever been. 12853 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 12854% 12855The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that 12856will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. 12857 -- Mark Twain. 12858% 12859The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a 12860soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which 12861when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. 12862% 12863"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..." 12864 -- Dave Barry 12865% 12866The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. 12867% 12868 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the 12869klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." 12870 12871 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" 12872 12873 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" 12874% 12875The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to 12876devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. 12877 -- Lew Mammel, Jr. 12878% 12879The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might 12880be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the 12881law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was 12882guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples 12883Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking 12884Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality 12885of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive 12886power. 12887 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems 12888 Thinking." 12889% 12890The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. 12891 -- Laurence J. Peter 12892% 12893The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. 12894 -- Nicol Williamson 12895% 12896The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. 12897% 12898The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. 12899% 12900"The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the 12901lower the mailing cost." 12902 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 12903% 12904The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and 12905robbers there will be. 12906 -- Lao Tsu 12907% 12908The more things change, the more they stay insane. 12909% 12910The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us 12911is right. 12912% 12913The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. 12914 -- Andy Warhol 12915% 12916"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and 12917to watch someone else do it wrong without comment." 12918 -- Theodore H. White 12919% 12920The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 12921discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." 12922 -- Isaac Asimov 12923% 12924The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. 12925% 12926... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! 12927% 12928 "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" 12929 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to 12930feel interested. 12931 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little 12932vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged 12933Aged Man.'" 12934 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" 12935Alice corrected herself. 12936 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is 12937called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" 12938 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time 12939completely bewildered. 12940 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is 12941"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." 12942 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 12943% 12944"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 129451986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert." 12946 -- D. Letterman 12947% 12948The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: 12949 Support your right to bare arms! 12950% 12951The net of law is spread so wide, 12952No sinner from its sweep may hide. 12953Its meshes are so fine and strong, 12954They take in every child of wrong. 12955O wondrous web of mystery! 12956Big fish alone escape from thee! 12957 -- James Jeffrey Roche 12958% 12959The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I 12960hope I don't get run over again. 12961% 12962The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, 12963in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. 12964 12965 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for 12966 whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. 12967 -- Matthew 5:37 12968% 12969"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The 12970Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. 12971The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive 12972and running the country ..." 12973 -- Robert J Woodhead 12974% 12975The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to 12976choose from. 12977 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 12978% 12979The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 1298080-column card. 12981 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 12982% 12983The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should 12984serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society 12985these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their 12986function is to serve as checks upon the state. 12987 -- Alan Barth 12988% 12989The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are 12990correct. 12991 -- Ralph Hartley 12992% 12993The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly 12994analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their 12995occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve 12996these problems when called upon. 12997 12998However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to 12999remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. 13000% 13001The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: 13002 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, 13003Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate 13004Planning." 13005% 13006The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. 13007% 13008The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age 13009brings wisdom. 13010 -- H. L. Mencken 13011% 13012The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader 13013catch his own breath. 13014 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart 13015% 13016The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when 13017to cringe. 13018% 13019The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the 13020`social sciences' is: some do, some don't. 13021 -- Ernest Rutherford 13022% 13023The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop 13024and take a rest. 13025% 13026"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon." 13027 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 13028 Over and Over" 13029% 13030The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. 13031% 13032The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber 13033has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, 13034finished, and put inside boxes. 13035 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 13036% 13037The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any 13038use to oneself. 13039 -- Oscar Wilde 13040% 13041"The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from 13042history." 13043 -- Hegel 13044 13045"I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the 13046long view." 13047 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" 13048% 13049The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. 13050 -- Oscar Wilde 13051% 13052The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up 13053until 5 or 6 p.m. 13054% 13055The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 13056 -- Bohr 13057% 13058The optimum committee has no members. 13059 -- Norman Augustine 13060% 13061The optimum committee has no members. 13062 -- Norman Augustine 13063% 13064"The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost 13065went back in time." 13066 -- Steven Wright 13067% 13068The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because 13069it isn't here. 13070 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) 13071% 13072The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it 13073were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. 13074 -- H. L. Mencken 13075% 13076 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the 13077Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a 13078large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' 13079it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the 13080apparatus for a spectator sport. 13081 13082 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for 13083castrating pigs during Sunday service. 13084 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13085% 13086The Pig, if I am not mistaken, 13087Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. 13088Let others think his heart is big, 13089I think it stupid of the Pig. 13090 -- Ogden Nash 13091% 13092The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter 13093swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the 13094batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The 13095center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute 13096his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. 13097 -- Dizzy Dean 13098% 13099The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. 13100 -- David Lardner 13101% 13102The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish 13103to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it 13104is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of 13105courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own 13106preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper 13107social function of expressing true distaste. 13108 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to 13109 Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" 13110% 13111"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more 13112often." 13113% 13114The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, 13115 Were each of them once a kiddie. 13116A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. 13117 Do I want one? God Forbiddie! 13118 -- Ogden Nash 13119% 13120The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his 13121brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is 13122Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. 13123 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter 13124% 13125The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday 13126they might force their beliefs on us. 13127 -- Mario Cuomo 13128% 13129The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired 13130warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by 13131changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped 13132marker. 13133 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 13134% 13135The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to 13136constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every 13137appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA 13138statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This 13139also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. 13140 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers 13141% 13142The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough 13143voters to win the next election. 13144% 13145The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" 13146represents the secondary theme: 13147 13148 Law Enforcement Officials 13149 13150The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: 13151 13152 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials 13153% 13154... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from 13155other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in 13156charity we can only call "inhuman." 13157 -- R. A. Lafferty 13158% 13159The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the 13160stupidity of your action. 13161% 13162The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. 13163Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil 13164using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle 13165Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, 13166etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous 13167bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None 13168of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats 13169developed cancer. 13170 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 13171% 13172The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go 13173to erase it. 13174 -- Glaser and Way 13175% 13176The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get 13177results. 13178 13179The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy 13180problems in order to get results. 13181 13182The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy 13183problems in order to get results. 13184% 13185The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be 13186pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. 13187 -- Elizabeth Taylor 13188% 13189The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 13190% 13191The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's 13192outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by 13193mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once 13194tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims 13195the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. 13196 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13197% 13198"The pyramid is opening!" 13199"Which one?" 13200"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" 13201 -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At 13202 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" 13203% 13204The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: 13205 "My brain is paged out to my liver" 13206% 13207The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is 13208it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, 13209that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of 13210industrial waste? 13211 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 13212% 13213The rain it raineth on the just 13214 And also on the unjust fella, 13215But chiefly on the just, because 13216 The unjust steals the just's umbrella. 13217% 13218The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is 13219cursed. 13220% 13221The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. 13222% 13223The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", 13224which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape 13225Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil 13226Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like. 13227 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 13228% 13229The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one 13230persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all 13231progress depends on the unreasonable man. 13232 -- George Bernard Shaw 13233% 13234The revolution will not be televised. 13235% 13236The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. 13237 -- Emerson 13238% 13239The rhino is a homely beast, 13240For human eyes he's not a feast. 13241Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, 13242I'll stare at something less prepoceros. 13243 -- Ogden Nash 13244% 13245The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This 13246means that only left handed people are in their right mind. 13247% 13248"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests 13249and to his imagination for his facts." 13250 -- Sheridan 13251% 13252The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. 13253 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas 13254% 13255"The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the 13256House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights 13257you have and what rights you have not got." 13258 -- J. Parnell Thomas 13259% 13260The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with 13261sloppy analysis! 13262% 13263The Roman Rule 13264 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the 13265 one who is doing it. 13266% 13267The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in 13268his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on 13269one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't 13270take it too seriously. 13271 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13272% 13273The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or 13274give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. 13275 -- Jane Bryant Quinn 13276% 13277"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" 13278% 13279The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 13280showed that all had these things in common: 13281 13282 (1) They all had moderate appetites. 13283 (2) They all came from middle class homes 13284 (3) All but two of them were dead. 13285% 13286The scum also rises. 13287 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 13288% 13289The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, 13290respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones 13291from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the 13292milestones are lifted. 13293 -- George Bernard Shaw 13294% 13295 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood 13296as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. 13297The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in 13298the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in 13299twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. 13300 13301 "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached 13302everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a 13303fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- 13304and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." 13305 13306 "How?" demanded Fafhrd. 13307 13308 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." 13309 -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" 13310% 13311The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. 13312% 13313The shortest distance between two points is under construction. 13314 -- Noelie Alito 13315% 13316The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: 13317 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going 13318in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long 13319way.) 13320 -- Dan Roddick 13321% 13322"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity 13323and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted 13324activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... 13325neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water." 13326% 13327"The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their 13328money." 13329 -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon" 13330% 13331"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!" 13332% 13333The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be 13334able to correct them. 13335 -- Nicolaides 13336% 13337The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. 13338% 13339The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's 13340readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of 13341some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet 13342reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led 13343the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well 13344known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at 13345Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program 13346of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of 13347psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three 13348Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That 13349these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a 13350further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want 13351something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from 13352the Russians. 13353 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 13354% 13355 The STAR WARS Song 13356 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: 13357 13358I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah 13359Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda 13360 S-O-D-A soda 13361I saw the little runt sitting there on a log 13362I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda 13363 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13364 13365Well I've been around but I ain't never seen 13366A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green 13367 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13368Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand 13369How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand 13370 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13371% 13372The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. 13373% 13374The steady state of disks is full. 13375 -- Ken Thompson 13376% 13377 THE STORY OF CREATION 13378 or 13379 THE MYTH OF URK 13380 13381In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, 13382and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM 13383was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be 13384registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; 13385and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data 13386Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening 13387and there was morning, one interrupt ... 13388 -- Rico Tudor 13389% 13390The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make 13391them unsafe. 13392 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo 13393% 13394"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and 13395is an emerging underachiever." 13396% 13397The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant 13398biology. 13399% 13400"The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't 13401even any property taxes." 13402 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b 13403% 13404The sum of the Universe is zero. 13405% 13406The sun was shining on the sea, 13407Shining with all his might: 13408He did his very best to make 13409The billows smooth and bright -- 13410And this was very odd, because it was 13411The middle of the night. 13412 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 13413% 13414The superfluous is very necessary. 13415 -- Voltaire 13416% 13417The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. 13418 -- Mark Twain 13419% 13420The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our 13421authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as 13422the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as 13423the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much 13424radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much 13425as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we 13426receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the 13427Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will 13428heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to 13429the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much 13430heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for 13431radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the 13432earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell 13433cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the 13434fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which 13435burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means 13436that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We 13437have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. 13438 -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 13439% 13440The Third Law of Photography: 13441 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined 13442when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark 13443leaks out. 13444% 13445The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: 13446 13447The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. 13448The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break 13449 even. 13450The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. 13451% 13452 The Three Major Kind of Tools 13453 13454* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or 13455 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a 13456 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, 13457 bludgeons, and truncheons.) 13458 13459* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) 13460 13461* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far 13462 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. 13463 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses 13464 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) 13465 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 13466% 13467The trouble with a kitten is that 13468When it grows up, it's always a cat 13469 -- Ogden Nash. 13470% 13471The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. 13472% 13473The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate 13474it. 13475 -- Franklin P. Jones 13476% 13477The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing 13478more important to do. 13479% 13480The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody 13481appreciates how difficult it was. 13482% 13483The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths. 13484 -- Ken Kesey 13485% 13486The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. 13487 -- Lenny Bruce 13488% 13489The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And 13490vice versa. 13491% 13492The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks 13493Which practically conceal its sex. 13494I think it clever of the turtle 13495In such a fix to be so fertile. 13496 -- Ogden Nash 13497% 13498"The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and 13499stupidity." 13500% 13501The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more 13502annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. 13503 -- Oscar Wilde 13504% 13505The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are 13506"100 percent American"... 13507 -- U. S. Army (1945) 13508% 13509The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 13510everybody and still nobody likes him. 13511 -- Jim Samuels 13512% 13513The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be 13514broken. 13515% 13516The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the 13517combination is locked up in the safe. 13518 -- Peter DeVries 13519% 13520The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie 13521Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said 13522to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his 13523decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." 13524% 13525The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and 13526religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging 13527from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its 13528yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the 13529world put together. 13530 -- Sir Peter Medawar 13531% 13532The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be 13533regarded as a criminal offense. 13534 -- E. W. Dijkstra 13535% 13536The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes 13537the worst cigars. 13538 -- H. L. Mencken 13539% 13540The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid 13541prejudice. 13542 -- Mark Twain 13543% 13544The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. 13545Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts 13546to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to 13547be one of the facts that needs altering. 13548 -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" 13549% 13550"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..." 13551% 13552"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, 13553it's just a tired feeling:" 13554% 13555The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth. 13556% 13557"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity 13558that would be clearly understood." 13559 -- Alexander Haig 13560% 13561"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start 13562with a large fortune." 13563% 13564The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, 13565 Like Jaspar wine and sugar, 13566It must have blown through someone's feet, 13567 Like those of Caspar Weinberger. 13568 -- P. Opus 13569% 13570 THE WOMBAT 13571 13572The wombat lives across the seas, 13573Among the far Antipodes. 13574He may exist on nuts and berries, 13575Or then again, on missionaries; 13576His distant habitat precludes 13577Conclusive knowledge of his moods. 13578But I would not engage the wombat 13579In any form of mortal combat. 13580% 13581The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! 13582% 13583The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! 13584% 13585The world is coming to an end. Please log off. 13586% 13587The world's as ugly as sin, 13588And almost as delightful 13589 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson 13590% 13591The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of 13592four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all 13593the answers. 13594% 13595Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. 13596 13597He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, 13598then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open 13599market. 13600 13601If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should 13602not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. 13603 13604Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. 13605Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. 13606Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. 13607 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 13608% 13609Then here's to the City of Boston, 13610The town of the cries and the groans. 13611Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks, 13612And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns. 13613 -- Franklin Pierce Adams 13614% 13615 THEORY 13616Into love and out again, 13617 Thus I went and thus I go. 13618Spare your voice, and hold your pen: 13619 Well and bitterly I know 13620All the songs were ever sung, 13621 All the words were ever said; 13622Could it be, when I was young, 13623 Someone dropped me on my head? 13624 -- Dorothy Parker 13625% 13626There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday. 13627% 13628There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, 13629and praiseworthy ... 13630 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13631% 13632There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own 13633cats. 13634% 13635There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis 13636are chosen correctly. 13637% 13638There are no games on this system. 13639% 13640There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the 13641existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any 13642marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat 13643engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is 13644obviously impossible. 13645 -- Richard Davisson 13646% 13647There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the 13648truth without lying. 13649% 13650There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a 13651vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. 13652 -- Gloria Steinem 13653% 13654 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that 13655someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named 13656Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or 13657Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that 13658every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is 13659this? 13660 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for 13661centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you 13662can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's 13663forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster 13664-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't 13665even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover 13666why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. 13667 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 13668% 13669"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both 13670plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; 13671and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, 13672don't we all?" 13673% 13674"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells 13675and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated 13676pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving 13677them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you 13678stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your 13679intelligence." 13680 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 13681% 13682There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. 13683 -- Disraeli 13684% 13685"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away 13686from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone 13687loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor." 13688% 13689There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be 13690offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin 13691a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount 13692of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of 13693affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. 13694When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. 13695Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. 13696 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior 13697% 13698"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and 13699engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far 13700the more certain." 13701 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 13702% 13703There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring 13704the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many 13705facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next 13706fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent 13707Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's 13708Factor; that's engineering. 13709% 13710There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I 13711can't remember. 13712 -- Italo Svevo 13713% 13714There are three ways to get something done: 13715 (1) Do it yourself. 13716 (2) Hire someone to do it for you. 13717 (3) Forbid your kids to do it. 13718% 13719There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire 13720someone, or forbid your kids to do it. 13721% 13722There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is 13723one of them. 13724% 13725There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect 13726the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the 13727sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. 13728 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 13729% 13730There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good 13731sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. 13732 -- Woody Allen 13733% 13734"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to 13735make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the 13736other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious 13737deficiencies." 13738 -- C. A. R. Hoare 13739% 13740"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the 13741other is to read Pope." 13742 -- Oscar Wilde 13743% 13744There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one 13745works. 13746% 13747There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a 13748suitable application of high explosives. 13749% 13750There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. 13751 -- R. W. Gerard 13752% 13753There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. 13754 -- Henry Kissinger 13755% 13756There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer 13757than 100. 13758 -- Steele's Law 13759% 13760There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know 13761nothing about. 13762% 13763There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an 13764opinion. 13765 -- Anatole France 13766% 13767There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of 13768paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. 13769% 13770There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. 13771% 13772There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs 13773tied during the month of April. 13774% 13775There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. 13776 -- Walt Disney 13777% 13778"There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, 13779Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and 13780love of the Fatherland." 13781 -- Adolf Hitler 13782% 13783There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe 13784is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly 13785inexplicable." 13786 13787There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...." 13788 -- Douglas Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy" 13789% 13790There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly 13791what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly 13792disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and 13793inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has 13794already happened. 13795 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 13796% 13797"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a 13798vacuum." 13799 -- Arthur C. Clarke 13800% 13801There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. 13802 -- Mark Twain 13803% 13804There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the 13805tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not 13806abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and 13807war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, 13808of course. 13809 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. 13810% 13811"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their 13812home." 13813 -- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society 13814 Convention, 1977 13815% 13816There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it 13817 -- G. B. Shaw 13818% 13819There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast 13820reflexes. 13821% 13822There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. 13823% 13824There is no time like the pleasant. 13825% 13826There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be 13827doing. 13828% 13829There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. 13830There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong. 13831% 13832"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," 13833said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just 13834a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable 13835question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been 13836there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in 13837the middle of the night?'" 13838% 13839There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the 13840ocean level wouldn't cure. 13841 -- Ross MacDonald 13842% 13843There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and 13844that is not being talked about. 13845 -- Oscar Wilde 13846% 13847There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale 13848returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 13849 -- Mark Twain 13850% 13851There once was a girl named Irene 13852Who lived on distilled kerosene 13853 But she started absorbin' 13854 A new hydrocarbon 13855And since then has never benzene. 13856% 13857There once was a member of Mensa 13858Who was a most excellent fencer. 13859 The sword that he used 13860 Was his -- (line is refused, 13861And has now been removed by the censor). 13862% 13863There once was an old man from Esser, 13864Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. 13865 It at last grew so small, 13866 He knew nothing at all, 13867And now he's a College Professor. 13868% 13869"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved 13870it." 13871 -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia 13872% 13873There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were 13874left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. 13875Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they 13876started debating who should be allowed to stay. 13877 13878The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all 13879over the world, the President explained that if he died then America 13880would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley 13881said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair 13882thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 13883votes. 13884% 13885There was a young lady from Hyde 13886Who ate a green apple and died. 13887 While her lover lamented 13888 The apple fermented 13889And made cider inside her inside. 13890% 13891There was a young man who said "God, 13892I find it exceedingly odd, 13893 That the willow oak tree 13894 Continues to be, 13895When there's no one about in the Quad." 13896 13897"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, 13898For I'm always about in the Quad; 13899 And that's why the tree, 13900 Continues to be," 13901Signed "Yours faithfully, God." 13902% 13903There was a young poet named Dan, 13904Whose poetry never would scan. 13905 When told this was so, 13906 He said, "Yes, I know. 13907% 13908There was a young poet named Dan, 13909Whose poetry never would scan. 13910 When told this was so, 13911 He said, "Yes, I know. 13912It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." 13913% 13914"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: 13915both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to 13916talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him 13917during the trial." 13918 -- David Letterman 13919% 13920There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of 13921the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- 13922digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 139238-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the 13924transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity 13925stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative 13926feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching 13927systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the 13928first electrical digital computer, and the first communications 13929satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the 13930telephone business? 13931% 13932There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not 13933a fence. 13934% 13935There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. 13936% 13937There's little in taking or giving, 13938 There's little in water or wine: 13939This living, this living, this living, 13940 Was never a project of mine. 13941Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is 13942 The gain of the one at the top, 13943For art is a form of catharsis, 13944 And love is a permanent flop, 13945And work is the province of cattle, 13946 And rest's for a clam in a shell, 13947So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- 13948 Would you kindly direct me to hell? 13949 -- Dorothy Parker 13950% 13951There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our 13952whole lives, win, lose, or draw. 13953 -- Walt Kelly 13954% 13955There's no future in time travel 13956% 13957There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. 13958 -- Dr. Who 13959% 13960There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get 13961any worse. 13962% 13963There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. 13964% 13965There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government 13966working for you. 13967 -- Will Rodgers 13968% 13969"There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead 13970armadillos." 13971 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner 13972% 13973"There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't 13974aggravate." 13975% 13976There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn 13977what it is I'll get married again. 13978 -- Clint Eastwood 13979% 13980There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is 13981becoming an endangered synthetic. 13982 -- Lily Tomlin 13983% 13984"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" 13985"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" 13986"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP 13987out of MEGATON MAN!" 13988% 13989These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they 13990used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. 13991% 13992They also surf who only stand on waves. 13993% 13994"They make a desert and call it peace." 13995 -- Tacitus (55?-120?) 13996% 13997They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners 13998always spell better than they pronounce. 13999 -- Mark Twain 14000% 14001"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary 14002safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." 14003 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 14004% 14005"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!" 14006% 14007They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results 14008 About a month before. Their hair began to curl 14009The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it 14010 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. 14011 14012He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this 14013 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be 14014And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest 14015 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. 14016 14017My notion was to start again 14018 Ignoring all they'd done 14019We quickly turned it into code 14020 To see if it would run. 14021% 14022They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! 14023% 14024"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult 14025to like." 14026 -- Avon 14027% 14028Things are more like they used to be than they are now. 14029% 14030Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. 14031% 14032Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. 14033% 14034Think honk if you're a telepath. 14035% 14036Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! 14037% 14038Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer 14039crashes. 14040% 14041Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". 14042% 14043"Thirty days hath Septober, 14044April, June, and no wonder. 14045all the rest have peanut butter 14046except my father who wears red suspenders." 14047% 14048This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 14049% 14050This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, 14051please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random 14052characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with 14053something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be 14054more profound than THIS program has ever been. 14055% 14056This fortune intentionally not included. 14057% 14058This fortune is false. 14059% 14060This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. 14061% 14062"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, 14063regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling 14064keys ..." 14065% 14066"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT 14067DOG." 14068 -- Bob Violence 14069% 14070"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an 14071actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?" 14072% 14073This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, 14074because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under 14075which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has 14076"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the 14077consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any 14078rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for 14079oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill 14080Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers 14081over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These 14082innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been 14083passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with 14084amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do 14085apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, 14086and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out. 14087 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations" 14088% 14089This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. 14090% 14091This is for all ill-treated fellows 14092 Unborn and unbegot, 14093For them to read when they're in trouble 14094 And I am not. 14095 -- A. E. Housman 14096% 14097"This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back 14098to one." 14099 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 14100% 14101This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. 14102% 14103THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM 14104 14105If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your 14106contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue 14107without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are 14108contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We 14109can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money 14110for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the 14111difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight 14112and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to 14113"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before 14114you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. 14115Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 1411630 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The 14117Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or 14118more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug .... 14119% 14120This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury! 14121% 14122This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the 14123power of computers: 14124 14125Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct 14126the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a 14127minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The 14128results are that one should eat each day: 14129 14130 1/2 chicken 14131 1 egg 14132 1 glass of skim milk 14133 27 heads of lettuce. 14134 -- Rev. Adrian Melott 14135% 14136This is the story of the bee 14137Whose sex is very hard to see 14138 14139You cannot tell the he from the she 14140But she can tell, and so can he 14141 14142The little bee is never still 14143She has no time to take the pill 14144 14145And that is why, in times like these 14146There are so many sons of bees. 14147% 14148This is your fortune. 14149% 14150This land is full of trousers! 14151this land is full of mausers! 14152 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! 14153 -- Firesign Theater 14154% 14155This land is made of mountains, 14156This land is made of mud, 14157This land has lots of everything, 14158For me and Elmer Fudd. 14159 14160This land has lots of trousers, 14161This land has lots of mousers, 14162And pussycats to eat them 14163When the sun goes down. 14164% 14165This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, 14166you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where 14167to go. 14168% 14169This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 14170% 14171This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with 14172great force. 14173 -- Dorothy Parker 14174% 14175This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of 14176the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many 14177solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were 14178largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 14179which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of 14180paper that were unhappy. 14181 -- Douglas Adams 14182% 14183"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does 14184something child-like." 14185 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 14186% 14187This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland 14188student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. 14189 14190 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use 14191 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one 14192 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system 14193 which identifies errors in the original program. 14194% 14195This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. 14196 -- Hofstadter 14197% 14198... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives 14199as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as 14200determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people 14201buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s 14202couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three 14203weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available, 14204they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent 14205restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of 14206excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going 14207off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have 14208a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. 14209 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 14210% 14211This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget 14212it. 14213% 14214 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire 14215rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better 14216than he does. 14217 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about 14218it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily 14219sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we 14220consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is 14221being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. 14222 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can 14223do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his 14224honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can 14225be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public 14226relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter 14227Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. 14228This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. 14229 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt 14230 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear 14231 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" 14232% 14233Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those 14234of us who do. 14235% 14236Those who can't write, write manuals. 14237% 14238Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. 14239% 14240"Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics." 14241 -- French Proverb 14242% 14243Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. 14244 -- Henry Spencer 14245% 14246Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, 14247for these only gave life, those the art of living well. 14248 -- Aristotle 14249% 14250Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often 14251surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. 14252 -- Mark B. Cohen 14253% 14254Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. 14255% 14256Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent 14257revolution inevitable. 14258 -- John F. Kennedy 14259% 14260Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are 14261men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean 14262without the roar of its many waters. 14263 -- Frederick Douglass 14264% 14265Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are 14266the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with 14267Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- 14268whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A 14269fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any 14270more about the matter than the others. 14271 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14272% 14273Time flies like an arrow 14274Fruit flies like a banana 14275% 14276Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. 14277% 14278Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so. 14279 -- Ford Prefect 14280% 14281Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at 14282once. 14283% 14284'Tis the dream of each programmer, 14285Before his life is done, 14286To write three lines of APL, 14287And make the damn things run. 14288% 14289 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") 14290Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug 14291Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug 14292And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 14293Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, 14294Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall 14295And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 14296And we've also found Just flip one switch 14297When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch 14298You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble 14299 in a flash. 14300Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU 14301Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," 14302And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. 14303% 14304 To A Quick Young Fox: 14305Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, 14306Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? 14307Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- 14308Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. 14309 -- Lazy Dog 14310% 14311To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 14312% 14313To be is to do. 14314 -- I. Kant 14315To do is to be. 14316 -- A. Sartre 14317Yabba-Dabba-Doo! 14318 -- F. Flinstone 14319% 14320"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore 14321this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to 14322offer in response is based on information available to make no such 14323statement." 14324% 14325To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, 14326call it the target. 14327% 14328To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. 14329% 14330"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System" 14331% 14332To err is human, to moo bovine. 14333% 14334To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. 14335 -- B. Duggan 14336% 14337To generalize is to be an idiot. 14338 -- William Blake 14339% 14340To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three 14341men, two of them absent. 14342% 14343To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. 14344 -- Thomas Edison 14345% 14346To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. 14347% 14348To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. 14349% 14350To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide 14351a test load. 14352% 14353To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional 14354system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, 14355inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: 14356precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, 14357uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, 14358well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures 14359of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very 14360secure ecological niche. 14361 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" 14362% 14363To understand this important story, you have to understand how the 14364telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local 14365computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is 14366in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the 14367lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan. 14368 14369Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it 14370suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the 14371computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the 14372one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe 14373break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid 14374incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, 14375an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca 14376pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's 14377loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen 14378and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. 14379 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own 14380 Phones?" 14381% 14382"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?" 14383% 14384"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." 14385 -- Woody Allen 14386% 14387Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. 14388% 14389Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. 14390% 14391Today is the first day of the rest of the mess 14392% 14393Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. 14394% 14395Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday 14396% 14397Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? 14398 14399And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? 14400 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 14401% 14402"Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new 14403cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more 14404spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog." 14405 -- Bob & Ray 14406% 14407"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word 14408except in major motion pictures." 14409 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 14410% 14411Toilet Toup'ee, n.: 14412 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus 14413creating endless annoyance to male users. 14414 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 14415% 14416Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. 14417% 14418Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 14419% 14420Too clever is dumb. 14421 -- Ogden Nash 14422% 14423Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. 14424 -- Mae West 14425% 14426Too much of everything is just enough. 14427 -- Bob Wier 14428% 14429Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available 14430briefcases. 14431 -- Governor Jerry Brown 14432% 14433Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the 14434earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. 14435As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. 14436Please... 14437 14438 CONSERVE GRAVITY 14439 14440Follow these simple suggestions: 14441 14442(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. 14443(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. 14444(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like 14445 curling. 14446(4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead. 14447(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big 14448 pile. 14449(6) Stop flipping pancakes 14450% 14451Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. 14452% 14453Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live 14454in eucalyptus trees. 14455% 14456Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant 14457intelligence. 14458 -- Henrik Tikkanen 14459% 14460Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. 14461 -- Mark Twain 14462% 14463Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) 14464% 14465Truthful, adj.: 14466 Dumb and illiterate. 14467 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14468% 14469Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. 14470 -- Charles Schulz 14471% 14472Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no 14473good. 14474% 14475Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, 14476is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written 14477in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and 14478pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), 14479defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the 14480absolutely perfect future. 14481 -- Amrom Katz 14482% 14483Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. 14484% 14485Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only 14486specification is that it should run noiselessly. 14487% 14488Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. 14489 -- Alan Watts 14490% 14491Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard. 14492% 14493Turnaucka's Law: 14494 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its 14495electrical cord. 14496% 14497Tussman's Law: 14498 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. 14499% 14500TV is chewing gum for the eyes. 14501 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 14502% 14503'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks 14504Did gyre and gimble in their cave 14505All mimsy was the CS-VAX 14506And Cory raths outgrabe. 14507 14508"Beware the software rot, my son! 14509The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! 14510Beware the broken pipe, and shun 14511The frumious system crash!" 14512% 14513 'Twas the Night before Crisis 14514 14515'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, 14516 Not a program was working not even a browse. 14517The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, 14518 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. 14519The users were nestled all snug in their beds, 14520 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. 14521When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, 14522 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. 14523And what to my wondering eyes should appear, 14524 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. 14525More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, 14526 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; 14527On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! 14528 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! 14529His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, 14530 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. 14531A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, 14532 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... 14533% 14534'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period 14535 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And 14536 throughout our place of residence, 14537Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the 14538 possessors of this potential, including that 14539 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. 14540Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward 14541 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, 14542Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an 14543 imminent visitation from an eccentric 14544 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations 14545 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... 14546% 14547Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. 14548 -- Walt Kelly 14549% 14550Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. 14551 -- Howard Kandel 14552% 14553Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man 14554said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The 14555second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his 14556chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded 14557only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the 14558courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten. 14559If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is 14560dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and 14561must pay three silver pieces." 14562% 14563Two percent of zero is almost nothing. 14564% 14565"Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory. 14566I forget the second." 14567% 14568Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. 14569% 14570U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! 14571 Run right up and rub its horn. 14572 Look at all those points you're losing! 14573 UMBER HULKS are so confusing. 14574 -- The Roguelet's ABC 14575% 14576"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." 14577 14578(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) 14579 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) 14580% 14581UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. 14582% 14583"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" 14584 14585"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, 14586right?" 14587 -- MacNelley, "Shoe" 14588% 14589Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: 14590 Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a 14591hammer or get a splinter in it. 14592% 14593Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: 14594 Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a 14595hammmer or get a splinter in it. 14596% 14597Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a 14598just man is also a prison. 14599 -- Henry David Thoreau 14600% 14601Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a 14602just man is also in prison. 14603 -- Henry David Thoreau 14604% 14605Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it 14606can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ... 14607% 14608Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: 14609 Superiority is recessive. 14610% 14611Unfair animal names: 14612 14613-- tsetse fly -- bullhead 14614-- booby -- duck-billed platypus 14615-- sapsucker -- Clarence 14616 -- Gary Larson 14617% 14618United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the 14619Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of 14620all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of 14621all the patriots of every persuasion. 14622 14623Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the 14624world. 14625 -- Isaac Asimov 14626% 14627Universe, n.: 14628 The problem. 14629% 14630University, n.: 14631 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's 14632usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to 14633fix it, and ... 14634% 14635unix soit qui mal y pense 14636% 14637UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on 14638Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). 14639 -- Andy Tannenbaum 14640% 14641Unnamed Law: 14642 If it happens, it must be possible. 14643% 14644Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out 14645twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. 14646 -- H. L. Mencken 14647% 14648Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir 14649% 14650User n.: 14651 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. 14652% 14653USER, n.: 14654 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." 14655 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" 14656% 14657Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. 14658 -- S. C. Johnson 14659% 14660Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, 14661opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. 14662 -- Doug Larson 14663% 14664Vail's Second Axiom: 14665 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the 14666amount of work already completed. 14667% 14668Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ... 14669Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... 14670 -- Tom Chapin 14671% 14672Van Roy's Law: 14673 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 14674% 14675Vanilla, adj.: 14676 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, 14677very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla 14678extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply 14679"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot 14680and sour won ton soup. 14681% 14682Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 14683 (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only 14684 once. 14685 (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data 14686 points. 14687% 14688Veni, Vidi, Visa. 14689% 14690 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past 14691year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley 14692reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their 14693artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue 14694moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon 14695Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the 14696entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the 14697sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." 14698 14699 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. 14700 14701 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made 14702good copy." 14703 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 14704% 14705Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. 14706% 14707Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." 14708Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes 14709 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." 14710% 14711Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. 14712 -- Salvor Hardin 14713% 14714Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the 14715yard. 14716% 14717VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 14718 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to 14719 ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this 14720 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you 14721 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of 14722 that old underwear you own. 14723% 14724VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 14725 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is 14726 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and 14727 sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus 14728 drivers. 14729% 14730"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. 14731% 14732Virtue is its own punishment. 14733% 14734Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving 14735from where you left them to where you can't find them. 14736% 14737Vitamin C deficiency is apauling 14738% 14739VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M. 14740% 14741Vote anarchist 14742% 14743Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and 14744TAX-DEFERRED! 14745% 14746VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? 14747% 14748 14749 *** System shutdown message from root *** 14750 14751System going down in 60 seconds 14752 14753 14754% 14755"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." 14756 -- Mark Twain 14757% 14758Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 147591st customer: "I'll have tea." 147602nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" 14761 (Waiter exits, returns) 14762Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" 14763% 14764Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. 14765% 14766War hath no fury like a non-combatant. 14767 -- Charles Edward Montague 14768% 14769War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable. 14770% 14771 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: 14772 14773Firings will continue until morale improves. 14774% 14775 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: 14776 14777Firings will continue until morale improves. 14778% 14779WARNING: 14780 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your 14781mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on 14782your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war. 14783% 14784Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for 14785those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking 14786up. 14787 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 14788% 14789Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with. 14790% 14791Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 14792 -- John F. Kennedy 14793% 14794Waste not, get your budget cut next year. 14795% 14796Wasting time is an important part of living. 14797% 14798Watson's Law: 14799 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the 14800number and significance of any persons watching it. 14801% 14802We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which 14803divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being 14804correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. 14805 -- Niels Bohr 14806% 14807We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. 14808 -- Oscar Wilde 14809% 14810We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. 14811 -- Winston Churchill 14812% 14813We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. 14814 -- Whole Earth Catalog 14815% 14816We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. 14817 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" 14818% 14819We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to 14820socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The 14821bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say 14822socialism? 14823 -- Fidel Castro 14824% 14825"We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last 14826theorem." 14827 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 14828% 14829"We are upping our standards ... so up yours." 14830 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988. 14831% 14832We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. 14833% 14834We can predict everything, except the future. 14835% 14836We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is 14837deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. 14838 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General 14839% 14840"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!" 14841 -- Vroomfondel 14842% 14843"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company." 14844% 14845We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a 14846fish. 14847% 14848We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the 14849hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights! 14850% 14851We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? 14852 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission 14853% 14854"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an 14855hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down 14856mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on 14857our grave singing Haleleuia ..." 14858 -- Monty Python 14859% 14860We have met the enemy, and he is us. 14861 -- Walt Kelly 14862% 14863We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get 14864back to normal, and that they already have. 14865% 14866"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his 14867hands for masturbation." 14868 -- Lily Tomlin 14869% 14870We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an 14871official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death 14872Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish 14873you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that 14874said "ELECTROCUTION". 14875 14876Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your 14877teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing 14878process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a 14879couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways 14880out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste 14881stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom 14882floor, which is how the police would find you. 14883 14884You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. 14885 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 14886% 14887We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all 14888purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start 14889with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the 14890playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is 14891best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can 14892buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. 14893 -- Alan M. Turing 14894% 14895We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always 14896respect their good judgement. 14897% 14898We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass 14899no matter how self-seeking. 14900 -- F. G. Withington 14901% 14902We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago 14903people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. 14904For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had 14905to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare 14906fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with 14907primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how 14908ugly paneling is to begin with. 14909 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 14910% 14911We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best 14912friends are trying to kill us. 14913% 14914 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. 14915But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle 14916Haggard song at a French restaurant. ... 14917 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of 14918her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I 14919had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone 14920told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was 14921lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he 14922fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing 14923what men must do. ... 14924 "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible 14925sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew 14926not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a 14927quiet and peace I will never forget. 14928 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the 14929tollway belle's for thee." 14930 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was 14931a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I 14932poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. 14933 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway 14934 Competition 14935% 14936We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one 14937technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. 14938% 14939we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, 14940we will cry over things we used to laugh & 14941our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile 14942creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & 14943in the end a summer with wild winds & 14944new friends will be. 14945% 14946We wish you a Hare Krishna 14947We wish you a Hare Krishna 14948We wish you a Hare Krishna 14949And a Sun Myung Moon! 14950 -- Maxwell Smart 14951% 14952"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later." 14953% 14954We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from 14955the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging 14956you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right 14957in his bowl full of jelly. 14958 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 14959% 14960We're only in it for the volume. 14961 -- Black Sabbath 14962% 14963We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center 14964of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, 14965but for some reason nobody's ever done it. 14966 -- Andy Rooney 14967% 14968Weiler's Law: 14969 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it 14970himself. 14971% 14972Weinberg's First Law: 14973 Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 14974% 14975Weinberg's Principle: 14976 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while 14977sweeping on to the grand fallacy. 14978% 14979Weinberg's Second Law: 14980 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 14981then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. 14982% 14983Weiner's Law of Libraries: 14984 There are no answers, only cross references. 14985% 14986Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if 14987you run out of food. 14988 -- Dean McLaughlin. 14989% 14990Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a 14991lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a 14992governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the 14993reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top 14994contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men 14995will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the 14996most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and 14997appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday 14998morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit 14999interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a 15000guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through 15001the entire show without answering a single question ... 15002 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 15003% 15004Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them 15005back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, 15006or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they 15007they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. 15008 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile 15009% 15010"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* 15011you believe?!" 15012 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] 15013% 15014Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, 15015 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; 15016I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, 15017 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 15018 15019If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, 15020 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 15021'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. 15022 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 15023 15024On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, 15025 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. 15026Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, 15027 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 15028 -- Core Dumped Blues 15029% 15030"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" 15031 15032"Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... 15033coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." 15034 -- Dr. Who 15035% 15036"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is 15037no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five 15038hundred." 15039 -- The Mahabharata. 15040% 15041Westheimer's Discovery: 15042 A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a 15043couple of hours in the library. 15044% 15045Wethern's Law: 15046 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 15047% 15048"What are we going to do?" 15049 15050"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for 15051something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a 15052short initiation period." 15053% 15054"What are you doing?" 15055 15056"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something 15057that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short 15058initiation period." 15059% 15060What color is a chameleon on a mirror? 15061% 15062 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty 15063teenager asked her mother. 15064 "Encouragement, dear," she replied. 15065% 15066What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? 15067% 15068What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? 15069% 15070What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. 15071% 15072What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. 15073% 15074"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so 15075that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our 15076country. Nice try anyway, George." 15077 -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA 15078% 15079What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the 15080entrance? 15081% 15082What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow 15083in his footsteps? 15084% 15085What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower 15086stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed 15087barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character 15088from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of 15089while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our 15090dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up 15091powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the 15092bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any 15093one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact 15094lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where 15095you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah", 15096if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with 15097that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it; 15098they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to 15099flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 15100 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 15101% 15102What I tell you three times is true. 15103% 15104"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- 15105sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up 15106with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always 15107came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at 15108parties. 15109 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 15110% 15111What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. 15112% 15113"What I've done, of course, is total garbage." 15114 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a 15115% 15116What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I 15117definitely overpaid for my carpet. 15118 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 15119% 15120What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's 15121worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? 15122 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 15123% 15124What is a magician but a practising theorist? 15125 -- Obi-Wan Kenobi 15126% 15127What is mind? No matter. 15128What is matter? Never mind. 15129 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 15130% 15131What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern 15132computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest 15133and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. 15134% 15135"What is the Nature of God?" 15136 15137 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= 15138 1 QT. SOUR CREAM 15139 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT 15140 1/2 CUT CHIVES. 15141 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. 15142 15143"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." 15144 -- Bloom County 15145% 15146"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?" 15147 -- Bertold Brecht 15148% 15149"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, 15150which is the exact opposite." 15151 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928 15152% 15153What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. 15154% 15155What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing 15156to compare it with. 15157% 15158What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. 15159It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books 15160and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes 15161and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, 15162women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate 15163mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige 15164and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." 15165 -- Susan Gordon 15166% 15167What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? 15168 -- Ursula K. LeGuin 15169% 15170What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. 15171% 15172What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. 15173% 15174What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. 15175% 15176What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent 15177bagel. 15178% 15179What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. 15180% 15181What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! 15182% 15183What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. 15184% 15185What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. 15186% 15187What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. 15188% 15189What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon. 15190% 15191What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? 15192 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 15193% 15194What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which 15195nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday 15196Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- 15197launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just 15198remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual 15199process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still 15200be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. 15201 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 15202% 15203What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it. 15204% 15205"What's another word for Thesaurus?" 15206 -- Steven Wright 15207% 15208 "What's that thing?" 15209 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in 15210computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what 15211it does. We call it a two-by-four." 15212 -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe" 15213% 15214"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?" 15215 -- Dr. Who 15216% 15217"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?" 15218 -- The Doctor 15219% 15220Whatever became of eternal truth? 15221% 15222Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for 15223cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils 15224as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding 15225hundred dollar bills." 15226 -- Herb Caen 15227% 15228Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not 15229nailed down. 15230 -- Collis P. Huntingdon 15231% 15232"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not 15233cockroaches!" 15234 -- Mom 15235% 15236When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the 15237money is. 15238 -- Robespierre 15239% 15240When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the 15241thing," it's the money. 15242 -- Kim Hubbard 15243% 15244When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half 15245loop? 15246% 15247When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is 15248not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space 15249travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. 15250 -- Robert Heinlein 15251% 15252When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the 15253sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain 15254relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. 15255 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle 15256 Maintenance" 15257% 15258When all other means of communication fail, try words. 15259% 15260"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo 15261tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?" 15262 -- Reuben Flagg 15263% 15264When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before 15265the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." 15266 -- Vine Deloria, Jr. 15267% 15268When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I 15269think it was a Tuesday. 15270% 15271When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to 15272guarantee them. 15273% 15274"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great 15275parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if 15276I'm leaving." 15277 -- Steven Wright 15278% 15279When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a 15280year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire 15281winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. 15282 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 15283% 15284When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young 15285ladies, and, of course, the goat. 15286% 15287When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now 15288I'm beginning to believe it. 15289 -- Clarence Darrow 15290% 15291When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you 15292take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come 15293and get you." 15294 -- Jerry Lewis 15295% 15296"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any 15297firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'" 15298 -- Steven Wright 15299% 15300When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into 15301the soul of the boy sitting next to me. 15302 -- Woody Allen 15303% 15304When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an 15305act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A 15306group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a 15307six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things 15308together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ... 15309Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective 15310responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military 15311establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have 15312been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things 15313together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. 15314 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" 15315% 15316When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened 15317or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I 15318cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to 15319go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. 15320 -- Mark Twain 15321% 15322When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. 15323% 15324"When in doubt, tell the truth." 15325 -- Mark Twain 15326% 15327When in doubt, use brute force. 15328 -- Ken Thompson 15329% 15330When in panic, fear and doubt, 15331Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. 15332% 15333When love is gone, there's always justice. 15334And when justice is gone, there's always force. 15335And when force is gone, there's always Mom. 15336Hi, Mom! 15337 -- Laurie Anderson 15338% 15339When Marriage is Outlawed, 15340Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. 15341% 15342When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment 15343results. 15344 -- Calvin Coolidge 15345% 15346When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony 15347concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- 15348and I find I mind it less and less." 15349 -- Louise Andrews Kent 15350% 15351When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: 15352for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when 15353your boss is away and you get twice as much done. 15354 -- Daniel B. Luten 15355% 15356When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only 15357say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. 15358% 15359"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical" 15360 -- Jon Carroll 15361% 15362When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you 15363modify the problem, not the remedy. 15364% 15365When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, 15366the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a 15367nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that. 15368 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 15369% 15370When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is 15371metaphysics. 15372 -- Voltaire 15373% 15374When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the 15375stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them 15376from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones 15377were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the 15378corners as bodies of a lower grade ... 15379 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 15380% 15381When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the 15382plane will fly. 15383 -- Donald Douglas 15384% 15385When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most 15386insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are 15387required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and 15388exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. 15389 -- George Bernard Shaw 15390% 15391When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is 15392not hereditary. 15393 -- Thomas Paine 15394% 15395When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- 15396except our fingertips will have been singed. 15397 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 15398% 15399When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of 15400investigation of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, 15401so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or 15402swayed, directly to the goal. 15403 -- Amrom Katz 15404% 15405"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut." 15406% 15407When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. 15408% 15409When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. 15410 -- Harry Truman 15411% 15412 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure 15413clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer 15414to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. 15415 In a way, the next move is up to him. 15416 -- R. A. Lafferty 15417% 15418"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." 15419 -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war 15420% 15421When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by 15422asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't 15423know the answer either. 15424 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 15425% 15426When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. 15427 -- The Wall Street Journal 15428% 15429When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the 15430impression you will make. 15431% 15432When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, 15433Wretched, bored, dejected; only 15434Here's the rub, my darling dear 15435I feel the same when you are near. 15436 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" 15437% 15438When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. 15439% 15440Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". 15441 -- Dave Parnas 15442% 15443Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to 15444see it tried on him personally. 15445 -- A. Lincoln 15446% 15447Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. 15448 -- Oscar Wilde 15449% 15450Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last 15451you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his 15452Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. 15453 -- Mark Twain 15454 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" 15455% 15456Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time 15457to reform. 15458 -- Mark Twain 15459% 15460WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE 15461 15462 Oh, dear, where can the matter be 15463 When it's converted to energy? 15464 There is a slight loss of parity. 15465 Johnny's so long at the fair. 15466% 15467Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what 15468is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. 15469 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 15470% 15471Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. 15472% 15473Whether you can hear it or not 15474The Universe is laughing behind your back 15475 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 15476% 15477Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? 15478% 15479While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is 15480admission to someone else. 15481% 15482While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 15483The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 15484While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 15485And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 15486Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 15487The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 15488 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 15489 November 26, 1792 15490% 15491While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. 15492% 15493While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't 15494keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. 15495 -- Edward Stevenson 15496% 15497While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own 15498form of misery. 15499% 15500While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining 15501position. 15502% 15503While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their 15504correctness never does. 15505% 15506While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very 15507reassuring to know that it's still there. 15508% 15509While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are 15510safe, for you can watch both of his. 15511 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15512% 15513Whistler's Law: 15514 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in 15515charge. 15516% 15517"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new 15518Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..." 15519% 15520Who made the world I cannot tell; 15521'Tis made, and here am I in hell. 15522My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, 15523I never soiled with such a deed. 15524 -- A. E. Housman 15525% 15526Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? 15527% 15528Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? 15529% 15530Who's on first? 15531% 15532"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. 15533 -- George Ade 15534% 15535Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. 15536% 15537Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. 15538% 15539"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could 15540have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing." 15541 -- Ian Shoales 15542% 15543"Why be a man when you can be a success?" 15544 -- Bertold Brecht 15545% 15546Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we 15547have? 15548% 15549Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? 15550% 15551Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to 15552avoid responsibility with? 15553% 15554Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office 15555automation? 15556% 15557Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with. 15558% 15559Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently 15560there must be a beverage. 15561 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 15562% 15563Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have 15564more lawyers? 15565 15566New Jersey had first choice. 15567% 15568Why don't elephants eat penguins ? 15569 15570Because they can't get the wrappers off ... 15571% 15572Why I Can't Go Out With You: 15573 15574I'd LOVE to, but ... 15575 -- I have to floss my cat. 15576 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. 15577 -- I need to spend more time with my blender. 15578 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 15579 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. 15580 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. 15581 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 15582 -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. 15583 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 15584 -- I have some really hard words to look up. 15585 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 15586 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 15587% 15588"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is 15589because we are not the person involved" 15590 -- Mark Twain 15591% 15592Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 15593% 15594"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?" 15595 -- Lily Tomlin 15596% 15597"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love 15598you knowing nothing?" 15599 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions 15600% 15601Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? 15602Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your 15603children open their old-fashioned presents. 15604 15605Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" 15606 15607You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it 15608 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" 15609 15610Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer 15611 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, 15612 and I get this cretin TOP?" 15613 15614Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." 15615 15616You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" 15617 15618Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." 15619 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 15620% 15621"Why was I born with such contemporaries?" 15622 -- Oscar Wilde 15623% 15624Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: 15625 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, 15626when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your 15627direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. 15628 -- John L. Shelton 15629% 15630Wiker's Law: 15631 Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. 15632% 15633 William Safire's Rules for Writers: 15634 15635Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never 15636be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to 15637agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words 15638out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal 15639of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must 15640not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a 15641conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a 15642sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as 15643close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more 15644words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles 15645must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a 15646linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing 15647metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should 15648be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their 15649writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows 15650the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek 15651viable alternatives. 15652% 15653Williams and Holland's Law: 15654 If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by 15655statistical methods. 15656% 15657Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as 15658it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. 15659% 15660Wit, n.: 15661 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery 15662... by leaving it out. 15663 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15664% 15665With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I 15666try to be a fraud and a half. 15667 -- Otto von Bismark 15668% 15669With a rubber duck, one's never alone. 15670 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 15671% 15672With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once 15673build a nuclear balm? 15674% 15675With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand 15676miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and 15677still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no 15678such thing as progress. 15679 -- Ransom K. Ferm 15680% 15681Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. 15682% 15683Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: 15684 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. 15685 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. 15686 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) 15687 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a 15688 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. 15689 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. 15690 -- Rich Kulawiec 15691% 15692Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If 15693you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut 15694down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that 15695tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with 15696long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit 15697there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you 15698come back. 15699 15700Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, 15701when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. 15702Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the 15703cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood 15704heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately 15705beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, 15706and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, 15707although their insurance rates went way up. 15708 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 15709% 15710Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): 15711 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage 15712any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you 15713should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, 15714and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we 15715bargained for. 15716% 15717Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your 15718chairs. 15719% 15720World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced 15721dress code! 15722% 15723Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: 15724 August. The lines are the shortest, though. 15725 -- Steve Rubenstein 15726% 15727Worst Month of the Year: 15728 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if 15729you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't 15730get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. 15731 -- Steve Rubenstein 15732% 15733Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: 15734 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved 15735in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs 15736damage my videotapes?" 15737% 15738Worst Vegetable of the Year: 15739 The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next 15740year. 15741 -- Steve Rubenstein 15742% 15743"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" 15744 15745"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat 15746 -- Lewis Carrol 15747% 15748"Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish 15749and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer 15750if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and 15751and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and 15752and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?" 15753% 15754Write-Protect Tab, n.: 15755 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly 15756left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error 15757message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the 15758momentary inconvenience. 15759 -- Robb Russon 15760% 15761Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. 15762 -- Frank Zappa 15763% 15764"Wrong," said Renner. 15765 15766"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with 15767the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" 15768% 15769X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the 15770imagination is the plot. 15771% 15772Xerox does it again and again and again and ... 15773% 15774Xerox never comes up with anything original. 15775% 15776XIIdigitation, n.: 15777 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made 15778by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. 15779 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 15780% 15781"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have 15782goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in 15783their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating 15784unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my 15785doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. 15786 -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" 15787% 15788Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall 15789fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic 15790operators together. 15791 -- Steve Higgins 15792% 15793"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context." 15794% 15795Year, n.: 15796 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 15797 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15798% 15799Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. 15800% 15801Yes, but which self do you want to be? 15802% 15803Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still 15804be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. 15805 -- Snoopy 15806% 15807Yesterday upon the stair 15808I met a man who wasn't there. 15809He wasn't there again today -- 15810I think he's from the CIA. 15811% 15812Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. 15813 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 15814% 15815Yinkel, n.: 15816 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one 15817will notice. 15818 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 15819% 15820You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. 15821% 15822You are here: 15823 *** 15824 *** 15825 ********* 15826 ******* 15827 ***** 15828 *** 15829 * 15830 15831 But you're not all there. 15832% 15833"You are old, Father William," the young man said, 15834 "All your papers these days look the same; 15835Those William's would be better unread -- 15836 Do these facts never fill you with shame?" 15837 15838"In my youth," Father William replied to his son, 15839 "I wrote wonderful papers galore; 15840But the great reputation I found that I'd won, 15841 Made it pointless to think any more." 15842% 15843"You are old, father William," the young man said, 15844 "And your hair has become very white; 15845And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- 15846 Do you think, at your age, it is right?" 15847 15848"In my youth," father William replied to his son, 15849 "I feared it might injure the brain; 15850But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, 15851 Why, I do it again and again." 15852 -- Lewis Carrol 15853% 15854"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers 15855 That your lectures bore people to death. 15856Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- 15857 Don't you think that you should save your breath?" 15858 15859"I have answered three questions and that is enough," 15860 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! 15861Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 15862 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" 15863% 15864"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak 15865 For anything tougher than suet; 15866Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- 15867 Pray, how did you manage to do it?" 15868 15869"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, 15870 And argued each case with my wife; 15871And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, 15872 Has lasted the rest of my life." 15873 -- Lewis Carrol 15874% 15875"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, 15876 And there isn't one language you like; 15877Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- 15878 Have you thought about taking a hike?" 15879 15880"Since I never write programs," his father replied, 15881 "Every language looks equally bad; 15882Yet the people keep paying to read all my books 15883 And don't realize that they've been had." 15884% 15885"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 15886 And have grown most uncommonly fat; 15887Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- 15888 Pray what is the reason of that?" 15889 15890"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, 15891 "I kept all my limbs very supple 15892By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- 15893 Allow me to sell you a couple?" 15894 -- Lewis Carrol 15895% 15896"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 15897 And make errors few people could bear; 15898You complain about everyone's English but yours -- 15899 Do you really think this is quite fair?" 15900 15901"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, 15902 "But my stature these days is so great 15903That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, 15904 And to stop me it's now far too late." 15905% 15906"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose 15907 That your eye was as steady as ever; 15908Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- 15909 What made you so awfully clever?" 15910 15911"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," 15912 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! 15913Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 15914 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" 15915 -- Lewis Carrol 15916% 15917You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 15918% 15919You are the only person to ever get this message. 15920% 15921You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading 15922this sort of trash. 15923% 15924You buttered your bread, now lie in it. 15925% 15926You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting 15927incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. 15928Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable 15929to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because 15930nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes 15931they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; 15932some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. 15933 15934The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then 15935pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear 15936safety glasses. 15937 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 15938% 15939"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 15940doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on." 15941 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 15942% 15943You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior 15944executive. 15945% 15946"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 15947Why do you find that funny?" 15948 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350 15949% 15950You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you 15951can with just a kind word. 15952 -- Bumper Sticker 15953% 15954You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, 15955for instance. 15956 -- Franklin P. Jones 15957% 15958You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. 15959% 15960You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on 15961the continuing viability of FORTRAN. 15962 -- Alan Perlis 15963% 15964You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. 15965% 15966You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding 15967decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left 15968over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. 15969 -- F. Allen 15970% 15971You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of 15972supercomputers. 15973 -- Steven Feiner 15974% 15975You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. 15976% 15977"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename." 15978 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 15979% 15980You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. 15981% 15982"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" 15983 -- Steven Wright 15984% 15985You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. 15986 -- Booker T. Washington 15987% 15988You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. 15989% 15990"You can't make a program without broken egos." 15991% 15992You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic 15993enough worrying about what's happening now. 15994 -- Lauren Bacall 15995% 15996"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten." 15997 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 15998 Over and Over" 15999% 16000"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they 16001don't." 16002 -- Dagwood Bumstead 16003% 16004You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. 16005% 16006You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. 16007% 16008You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. 16009% 16010You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first 16011and last month in advance. 16012% 16013You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable 16014doubt. 16015 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict 16016% 16017You do not have mail. 16018% 16019You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. 16020 -- J. D. Salinger 16021% 16022You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting 16023needles. 16024 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food 16025% 16026You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. 16027The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", 16028which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears 16029tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last 16030names. Here's the complete text: 16031 16032 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) 16033 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) 16034 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to 16035 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF 16036 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) 16037 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way 16038 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST 16039 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" 16040 16041The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your 16042money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long 16043form. 16044 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 16045% 16046You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. 16047% 16048You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- 16049 16050This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- 16051 16052You are permanently confused. 16053 -- Dave Decot 16054% 16055You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to 16056metal objects which are not fastened down. 16057% 16058You have junk mail. 16059% 16060You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets 16061wrinkled. 16062% 16063You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot 16064today. 16065% 16066You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes 16067you wore home from the party and there aren't any. 16068% 16069You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens 16070anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, 16071you can always change the channel. 16072 -- Jim Ignatowski 16073% 16074You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. 16075 -- S. Rickly Christian 16076% 16077You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. 16078 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82 16079% 16080You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your 16081friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. 16082% 16083You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. 16084% 16085 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon 16086airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in 16087deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me 16088when I was young!" 16089 "Why, what did she tell you?" 16090 "I don't know, I didn't listen!" 16091 -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 16092% 16093You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. 16094% 16095You may be recognized soon. Hide. 16096% 16097You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he 16098is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. 16099 -- Sydney Harris 16100% 16101You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with 16102him. 16103 -- Ed Howe 16104% 16105You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. 16106 -- Alfred Kahn 16107% 16108You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for 16109success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits 16110or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume 16111party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. 16112 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" 16113% 16114You might have mail 16115% 16116"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable 16117proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do." 16118% 16119You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll 16120be dead. 16121% 16122You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a 16123reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating 16124the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for 16125independence. 16126 -- Charles A. Beard 16127% 16128You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the 16129beach. 16130% 16131You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were 16132you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare 16133yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the 16134company. 16135 -- J. Wellington Wells 16136% 16137You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. 16138% 16139You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could 16140know how seldom they do. 16141 -- Olin Miller. 16142% 16143You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially 16144if they are dead. 16145% 16146You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than 16147about 10^12 to 1. 16148 -- Ernest Rutherford 16149% 16150You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for 16151freedom and liberty. 16152 -- Henrik Ibson 16153% 16154You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, 16155contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from 16156houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many 16157scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the 16158summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, 16159you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist 16160sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. 16161 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 16162% 16163You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, 16164another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and 16165another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms 16166such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In 16167many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. 16168If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you 16169should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate 16170for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it 16171because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially 16172chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. 16173 16174In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his 16175hemorrhoids. 16176 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 16177% 16178"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a 16179plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture" 16180 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia 16181% 16182You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother. 16183% 16184 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF 16185 PAPER SHUFFLING! 16186 16187Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be 16188a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel 16189really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." 16190 16191Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward 16192to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and 16193make really big Zorkmids." 16194 16195MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when 16196you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. 16197 16198 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! 16199% 16200You too can wear a nose mitten. 16201% 16202You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. 16203% 16204You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of 16205a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. 16206% 16207You will be surprised by a loud noise. 16208% 16209You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. 16210% 16211You will feel hungry again in another hour. 16212% 16213You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door 16214mayonnaise salesman. 16215% 16216 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the 16217Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the 16218parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. 16219 -- Sherlock Holmes 16220% 16221You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes. 16222% 16223You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to 16224worry. 16225% 16226You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a 16227taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a 16228minute and a huff. 16229 -- Groucho Marx 16230% 16231"You'll never be the man your mother was!" 16232% 16233You're at the end of the road again. 16234% 16235You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. 16236% 16237You're never too old to become younger. 16238 -- Mae West 16239% 16240You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 16241 -- Dean Martin 16242% 16243You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! 16244% 16245You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. 16246% 16247"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks." 16248 -- Gary Giddens 16249% 16250"You've got to think about tomorrow!" 16251 16252"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!" 16253% 16254Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a 16255thing he tells you. 16256% 16257Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you 16258from enjoying it. 16259% 16260Your fault: core dumped 16261% 16262 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that 16263bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a 16264chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home 16265electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit 16266breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires 16267until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can 16268damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change 16269your fuses regularly. 16270 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This 16271sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more 16272often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case 16273you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not 16274sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a 16275fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed 16276electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession, 16277such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette 16278table, etc. 16279 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 16280% 16281Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. 16282% 16283Your lucky color has faded. 16284% 16285Your lucky number has been disconnected. 16286% 16287Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. 16288% 16289Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. 16290% 16291"Yow! Am I having fun yet?" 16292 -- Zippy the Pinhead 16293% 16294YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!" 16295% 16296Zero Defects, n.: 16297 The result of shutting down a production line. 16298% 16299Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words 16300since I first called my brother's father dad. 16301 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 16302% 16303Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: 16304 People are always available for work in the past tense. 16305