1 -- Gifts for Children -- 2 3This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, 4because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months 5and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- 6morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children 7exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If 8your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You 9Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it 10might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe 11me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child 12who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. 13 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 14%% 15 -- Gifts for Men -- 16 17Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional 18ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you 19should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the 20clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For 21example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only 22three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, 23that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh 24at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). 25So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several 26years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will 27pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. 28 29If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More 30than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set 31of tires. 32 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 33%% 34 *** NEWSFLASH *** 35Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven! 36%% 37 DELETE A FORTUNE! 38 39Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like 40to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to 41"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it 42gets expunged. 43%% 44 Pittsburgh Driver's Test 45 467: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail 47 light but a steady left tail light. This means 48 49 (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn 50 to call the problem to the driver's attention. 51 (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. 52 (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. 53 (d) the driver is from out of town. 54 55The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign 56countries to signal turns. 57%% 58 Pittsburgh Driver's Test 59 608: Pedestrians are 61 62 (a) irrelevant. 63 (b) communists. 64 (c) a nuisance. 65 (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. 66 67The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are 68totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. 69%% 70 Has your family tried 'em? 71 72 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 73 74 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! 75 76 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons 77 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. 78 79 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 80 81 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of 82 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark 83 stains that indicate freshness. 84%% 85 THE STORY OF CREATION 86 or 87 THE MYTH OF URK 88 89In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, 90and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM 91was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be 92registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; 93and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data 94Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening 95and there was morning, one interrupt ... 96 -- Rico Tudor 97%% 98 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK 99 by Mark Isaak 100 101 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL 102character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their 103hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices 104are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some 105BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it 106to him. 107 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, 108he met the traveling salesman. 109 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman 110in high-level language. 111 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips 112and Apples," commented Jack. 113 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue 114there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." 115 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when 116he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she 117started thrashing. 118 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these 119kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the 120window ... 121%% 122 A Severe Strain on the Credulity 123 124As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest 125parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket 126is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one 127considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one 128begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really 129starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor 130maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. 131Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing 132of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to 133re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum 134against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the 135knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. 136 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 137%% 138 AMAZING BUT TRUE ... 139 140If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end 141across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. 142%% 143 AMAZING BUT TRUE ... 144 145There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it 146would completely cover the Sahara Desert. 147%% 148 Another Glitch in the Call 149 ------- ------ -- --- ---- 150 (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) 151 152We don't need no indirection 153We don't need no flow control 154No data typing or declarations 155Did you leave the lists alone? 156 157 Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! 158 159Chorus: 160 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. 161 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. 162%% 163 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: 164 1651. None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 1662. Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 1673. I don't know. 1684. Who cares? 1695. 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, 170 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. 1716. There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my 172 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and 173 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of 174 Papyrus Books). 175%% 176 DETERIORATA 177 178Go placidly amid the noise and waste, 179And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. 180Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. 181Rotate your tires. 182Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, 183And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. 184Know what to kiss -- and when. 185Remember that two wrongs never make a right, 186But that three do. 187Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". 188Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, 189And despite the changing fortunes of time, 190There is always a big future in computer maintenance. 191 192 You are a fluke of the universe ... 193 You have no right to be here. 194 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe 195 Is laughing behind your back. 196 -- National Lampoon 197%% 198 Gimmie That Old Time Religion 199We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, 200Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, 201I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, 202And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! 203 (chorus) (chorus) 204 205In the church of Aphrodite, 206The priestess wears a see through nightie, 207She's a mighty righteous sightie, 208And she's good enough for me! 209 (chorus) 210 211CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, 212 Give me that old time religion, 213 Give me that old time religion, 214 'Cause it's good enough for me! 215%% 216 MORE SPORTS RESULTS: 217The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last 218Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while 219the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the 220Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could 221paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player 222took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting 223their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player 224said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a 225fight and the match was called by officials. 226%% 227 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 2281. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear 229 bomb; use the stairs. 2302. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit 231 the ground. 2323. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 2334. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to 234 psychological problems. 2355. Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize 236 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, 237 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 2386. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will 239 be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 2407. Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. 2418. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be 242 staggering illegally. 2439. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more 244 sanitary due to limited circulation. 24510. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on 246 D-Day. 247%% 248 The STAR WARS Song 249 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: 250 251I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah 252Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda 253 S-O-D-A soda 254I saw the little runt sitting there on a log 255I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda 256 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 257 258Well I've been around but I ain't never seen 259A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green 260 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 261Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand 262How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand 263 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 264%% 265 'Twas the Night before Crisis 266 267'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, 268 Not a program was working not even a browse. 269The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, 270 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. 271The users were nestled all snug in their beds, 272 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. 273When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, 274 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. 275And what to my wondering eyes should appear, 276 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. 277More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, 278 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; 279On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! 280 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! 281His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, 282 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. 283A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, 284 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... 285%% 286 William Safire's Rules for Writers: 287 288Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never 289be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to 290agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words 291out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal 292of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must 293not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a 294conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a 295sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as 296close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more 297words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles 298must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a 299linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing 300metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should 301be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their 302writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows 303the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek 304viable alternatives. 305%% 306 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") 307Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug 308Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug 309And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 310Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, 311Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall 312And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 313And we've also found Just flip one switch 314When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch 315You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble 316 in a flash. 317Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU 318Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," 319And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. 320%% 321 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling 322 by Mark Twain 323 324 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped 325to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer 326be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained 327would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 328might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the 329same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with 330"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. 331 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear 332with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 333or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. 334Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi 335ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz 336ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. 337 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud 338hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. 339%% 340 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's 341personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the 342best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. 343Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking 344soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a 345reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their 346table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is 347not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous 348crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their 349beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant 350wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of 351Liza Minnelli. 352 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 353%% 354 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was 355eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality 356test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." 357 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into 358the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". 359%% 360 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing 361about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their 362arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon 363the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because 364Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply 365incredible surgical feat." 366 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the 367Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of 368that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an 369architect." 370 The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, 371"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" 372%% 373 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The 374first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. 375 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow 376and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." 377 "But the collar is up around my ears!" 378 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a 379little more ... that's it." 380 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. 381 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you 382go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." 383 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the 384street. Reba and Florence see him go by. 385 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" 386 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." 387 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 388%% 389 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at 390the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the 391pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite 392nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." 393 "If what?" asked the composer. 394 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" 395%% 396 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came 397upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. 398"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow 399man". 400 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, 401he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." 402%% 403 AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) 404You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie 405a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and 406impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over 407again. People think you are stupid. 408%% 409 ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) 410You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are 411quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very 412nice. 413%% 414 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from 415Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, 416and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon 417to be created." 418 "This is true," He replied. 419 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. 420 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the 421right to make his laws?" 422 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make 423his own." 424 It was so granted. 425 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 426%% 427 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity 428in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. 429 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if 430you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like 431an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an 432hour seems like a minute." 433 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a 434moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" 435 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 436%% 437 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" 438asked the father of his little son. 439 "Diet." 440%% 441 CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 442You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They 443think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why 444you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are 445Cancer people. 446%% 447 CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) 448You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of 449anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any 450importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as 451they take root and become trees. 452%% 453 COMMENT 454 455Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, 456A medley of extemporanea; 457And love is thing that can never go wrong; 458And I am Marie of Roumania. 459 -- Dorothy Parker 460%% 461 Deck Us All With Boston Charlie 462 463Deck us all with Boston Charlie, 464Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! 465Nora's freezin' on the trolley, 466Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! 467 468Don't we know archaic barrel, 469Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. 470Trolley Molly don't love Harold, 471Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! 472 -- Walt Kelly 473%% 474 "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all 475sorts of marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got 476a theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, 477those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly 478blessed. 479 -- Randy Davis 480%% 481 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen 482were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a 483red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, 484"Hey, you almost hit my wife." 485 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a 486shot at mine, over there." 487%% 488 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping 489mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as 490"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you 491how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", 492"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night 493So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. 494 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 495%% 496 FIGHTING WORDS 497 498Say my love is easy had, 499 Say I'm bitten raw with pride, 500Say I am too often sad -- 501 Still behold me at your side. 502 503Say I'm neither brave nor young, 504 Say I woo and coddle care, 505Say the devil touched my tongue -- 506 Still you have my heart to wear. 507 508But say my verses do not scan, 509 And I get me another man! 510 -- Dorothy Parker 511%% 512 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each 513other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around 514the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors 515d'oeuvres. 516 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes 517to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your 518Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright 519piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. 520 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with 521inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down 522other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and 523placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when 524the little hammers strike. 525 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over 526their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning 527Christmas tree. The piano is missing. 528 529 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless 530you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 5314. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. 532%% 533 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence 534of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." 535 536 "Whose?" 537 538 "MINE! HA-HA!" 539%% 540 GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 541You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you 542are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too 543little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing 544incest. 545%% 546 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21) -- July 30, 1917 547 548On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- 549Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them 550off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I 551wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his 552mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a 553tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men 554stood lookout. 555%% 556 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an 557extracurricular activity except you." 558 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" 559 "Only to ten, Mudhead." 560 561 -- Firesign Theater 562%% 563 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the 564month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people 565are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. 566 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either 567(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax 568tadpole". 569 Bite the wax tadpole. 570 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 571 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's 572hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to 573bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, 574but broad satiric vistas do not open up. 575 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle 576%% 577 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering 578voice. 579 "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of 580course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which 581I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in 582Elven-lore: 583 584 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, 585 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. 586 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, 587 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. 588 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. 589 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. 590 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. 591 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." 592%% 593 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said 594 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't-- 595till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for 596you!'" 597 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice 598objected. 599 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful 600tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor 601less." 602 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean 603so many different things." 604 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- 605that's all." 606 -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" 607%% 608 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of 609that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put 610more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it 611might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not 612otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be 613otherwise.'" 614 -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" 615%% 616 INVENTORY 617Four be the things I am wiser to know: 618Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. 619 620Four be the things I'd been better without: 621Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 622 623Three be the things I shall never attain: 624Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. 625 626Three be the things I shall have till I die: 627Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. 628%% 629 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, 630junior, what are you up to?" 631 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the 632rabbit. 633 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" 634 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the 635rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied 636expression on his face. 637 Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" 638 "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits 639devour wolves." 640 "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" 641 "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes 642out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. 643Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody 644should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting 645next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. 646 647The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- 648it's your PhD advisor that really counts. 649%% 650 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your 651parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all 652to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will 653have to act like mature human beings ... 654 -- Playboy, January 1983 655%% 656 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east 657laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The 658thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, 659nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying 660for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. 661 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating 662under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting 663icepacks. 664 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 665%% 666 LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 667You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most 668Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. 669Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves. 670%% 671 LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) 672You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If 673you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment 674and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes. 675All Libra people die of Venereal disease. 676%% 677 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she 678lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always 679getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to 680the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their 681sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do 682you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? 683What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead 684of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under 685the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops 686whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which 687Lassie filed the applications for. 688 -- Dave Barry 689%% 690 Love's Drug 691 692My love is like an iron wand 693 That conks me on the head, 694My love is like the valium 695 That I take before me bed, 696My love is like the pint of scotch 697 That I drink when i be dry; 698And I shall love thee still my dear, 699 Until my wife is wise. 700%% 701 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring 702Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping 703pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret 704military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and 705Esther and hustle them off to prison. 706 They can't prove who they are because they've left their 707passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day 708and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation 709movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, 710charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. 711 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where 712they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them 713if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call 714her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not 715possible, and turns to Murray. 716 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 717spits in the sergeants face. 718 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 719 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 720%% 721 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in 722receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's 723income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than 724$283 on the desk before the cashier. 725 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That 726route never brought in money like this! What happened?" 727 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured 728business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and 729worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" 730%% 731 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a 732great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to 733the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of 734life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But 735one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is 736going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I 737shall die of boredom." 738 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that 739current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the 740rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" 741 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, 742and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. 743Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current 744lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 745 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, 746"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the 747Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current 748said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us 749free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this 750adventure. 751 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to 752the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. 753%% 754 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How 755enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? 756 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many 757years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. 758Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple 759language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for 760students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for 761interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of 762its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on 763VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 764 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will 765run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and 766will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 767 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and 768quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With 769VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of 770documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the 771difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS 772is that it's all there. 773 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 774%% 775 PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) 776You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by 777the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and 778people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and 779you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small 780animals. 781%% 782 "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" 783Candy 784Is dandy 785But liquor 786Is quicker. 787 -- Ogden Nash 788%% 789 SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) 790You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to 791rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are 792drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal. 793%% 794 SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) 795You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the 796pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio 797people are murdered. 798%% 799 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated 800thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY 801advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." 802 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. 803 "Too proud?" the other enquired. 804 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," 805she said, "that one can't help growing older." 806 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With 807proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." 808 -- Lewis Carroll 809%% 810 TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) 811You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and 812work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed. 813You are a Communist. 814%% 815 THE WOMBAT 816 817The wombat lives across the seas, 818Among the far Antipodes. 819He may exist on nuts and berries, 820Or then again, on missionaries; 821His distant habitat precludes 822Conclusive knowledge of his moods. 823But I would not engage the wombat 824In any form of mortal combat. 825%% 826 THEORY 827Into love and out again, 828 Thus I went and thus I go. 829Spare your voice, and hold your pen: 830 Well and bitterly I know 831All the songs were ever sung, 832 All the words were ever said; 833Could it be, when I was young, 834 Someone dropped me on my head? 835 -- Dorothy Parker 836%% 837 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content 838to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good 839beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up 840drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a 841nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves 842and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So 843Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw 844no need to improve ... 845 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 846%% 847 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the 848klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." 849 850 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" 851 852 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" 853%% 854 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the 855Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a 856large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' 857it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the 858apparatus for a spectator sport. 859 860 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for 861castrating pigs during Sunday service. 862 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 863%% 864 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood 865as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. 866The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in 867the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in 868twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. 869 870 "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached 871everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a 872fierce host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one 873-- and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." 874 875 "How?" demanded Fafhrd. 876 877 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." 878 -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" 879%% 880 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that 881someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named 882Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or 883Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that 884every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is 885this? 886 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for 887centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you 888can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's 889forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster 890-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't 891even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover 892why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. 893 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 894%% 895 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire 896rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better 897than he does. 898 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about 899it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily 900sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we 901consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is 902being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. 903 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can 904do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his 905honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can 906be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public 907relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter 908Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. 909This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. 910 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt 911 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear 912 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" 913%% 914 To A Quick Young Fox: 915Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, 916Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? 917Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- 918Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. 919 -- Lazy Dog 920%% 921 VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 922You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is 923sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes 924fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. 925%% 926 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past 927year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley 928reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their 929artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue 930moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon 931Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the 932entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the 933sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." 934 935 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. 936 937 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made 938good copy." 939 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 940%% 941 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. 942But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle 943Haggard song at a French restaurant. ... 944 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of 945her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I 946had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone 947told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was 948lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he 949fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing 950what men must do. ... 951 "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible 952sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew 953not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a 954quiet and peace I will never forget. 955 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the 956tollway belle's for thee." 957 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was 958a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I 959poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. 960 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway 961 Competition 962%% 963 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty 964teenager asked her mother. 965 "Encouragement, dear," she replied. 966%% 967 "What's that thing?" 968 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in 969computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what 970it does. We call it a two-by-four." 971 -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe" 972%% 973 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure 974clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer 975to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. 976 In a way, the next move is up to him. 977 -- R. A. Lafferty 978%% 979 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon 980airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in 981deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me 982when I was young!" 983 "Why, what did she tell you?" 984 "I don't know, I didn't listen!" 985 -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 986%% 987... And malt does more than Milton can 988To justify God's ways to man 989 -- A. E. Housman 990%% 991... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, 992my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any 993resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. 994The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold 995them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the 996existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god 997coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism 998is beyond the scope of this article.) 999%% 1000... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can 1001easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed 1002and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) 1003upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was 1004without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based 1005on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court 1006was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and 1007sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, 1008human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. 1009 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1010%% 1011... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 1012intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as 1013we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues 1014that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding 1015of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard 1016example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- 1017makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing 1018whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a 1019finite or an infinite number. 1020 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 1021%% 1022... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, 1023and you would not have been informed. 1024%% 1025... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to 1026get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in 1027the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs 1028on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage 1029children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a 1030snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn 1031to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about 1032a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an 1033outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does 1034he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect 1035Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks 1036Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some 1037kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your 1038children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop 1039quickly. 1040 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 1041%% 1042... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you 1043with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday 1044shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday 1045advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a 1046shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take 1047them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. 1048 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 1049%% 1050... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that 1051consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune 1052of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to 1053listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. 1054 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 1055%% 1056"... all the modern inconveniences ..." 1057 -- Mark Twain 1058%% 1059"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often 1060picturesque liar." 1061 -- Mark Twain 1062%% 1063... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. 1064 -- J. B. White 1065%% 1066... if forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with 1067the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls 1068asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... 1069 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 1070%% 1071!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH 1072%% 1073(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. 1074(2) Great generals are forewarned. 1075(3) Forewarned is forearmed. 1076(4) Four is an even number. 1077(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 1078(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 1079 1080Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. 1081%% 1082(1) Everything depends. 1083(2) Nothing is always. 1084(3) Everything is sometimes. 1085%% 1086$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at 1087which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. 1088 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 1089%% 1090101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR 1091 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes 1092 (2) Dead cat brush 1093 (3) Hair barrettes 1094 (4) Cleats 1095 (5) Self-piercing earrings 1096 (6) Fungus trellis 1097 (7) False eyelashes 1098 (8) Prosthetic dog claws 1099 . 1100 . 1101 . 1102 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) 1103 (100) Killer velcro 1104 101. Currency 1105%% 1106186,282 miles per second: 1107 1108It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! 1109%% 1110$3,000,000 1111%% 1112355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible 1113simulation! 1114%% 111543rd Law of Computing: 1116 Anything that can go wr 1117fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped 1118%% 111977. HO HUM -- The Redundant 1120 1121------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme 1122--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife 1123------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working 1124---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop 1125---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates 1126--- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. 1127 1128Nine in the second place means: 1129 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. 1130 1131Six in the third place means: 1132 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal 1133 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! 1134%% 113599 blocks of crud on the disk, 113699 blocks of crud! 1137You patch a bug, and dump it again: 1138100 blocks of crud on the disk! 1139 1140100 blocks of crud on the disk, 1141100 blocks of crud! 1142You patch a bug, and dump it again: 1143101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... 1144%% 1145A CONS is an object which cares. 1146 -- Bernie Greenberg. 1147%% 1148A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of 1149nothing. 1150%% 1151A Law of Computer Programming: 1152 Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you 1153 will find the programmers cannot write in English. 1154%% 1155A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, 1156Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. 1157 She found a good way 1158 To combine work and play: 1159She sells C shells by the seashore. 1160%% 1161A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no 1162responsibility at the other. 1163%% 1164A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman 1165out of a divorce. 1166 -- Don Quinn 1167%% 1168A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining 1169and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 1170 -- Mark Twain 1171%% 1172A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it 1173adds up to be real money. 1174 -- Everett McKinley Dirksen 1175%% 1176A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. 1177%% 1178A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 1179%% 1180A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have 1181enlightened him with ours. 1182%% 1183A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well 1184as afterward. 1185%% 1186A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the 1187poor to protect them from each other. 1188%% 1189A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. 1190%% 1191A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. 1192Avoid him. He's a Commie. 1193%% 1194A city is a large community where people are lonesome together 1195 -- Herbert Prochnow 1196%% 1197A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody 1198wants to read. 1199 -- Mark Twain 1200%% 1201A closed mouth gathers no foot. 1202%% 1203A computer, to print out a fact, 1204Will divide, multiply, and subtract. 1205 But this output can be 1206 No more than debris, 1207If the input was short of exact. 1208 -- Gigo 1209%% 1210A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. 1211%% 1212A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. 1213 -- Ben Franklin 1214%% 1215A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 1216And had an affair with a Saracen. 1217 She was not oversexed, 1218 Or jealous or vexed, 1219She just wanted to make a comparison. 1220%% 1221A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? 1222%% 1223A day without sunshine is like night. 1224%% 1225A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a 1226fur coat. 1227%% 1228A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that 1229you will look forward to the trip. 1230%% 1231A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ... 1232%% 1233A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. 1234 -- Ogden Nash 1235%% 1236A dozen, a gross, and a score, 1237Plus three times the square root of four, 1238 Divided by seven, 1239 Plus five time eleven, 1240Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. 1241%% 1242A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a 1243Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. 1244Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network 1245with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the 1246Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed 1247the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while simultaneously 1248hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick Interlisp Manual. 1249The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. 1250%% 1251A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the 1252subject. 1253 -- Winston Churchill 1254%% 1255A fool must now and then be right by chance. 1256%% 1257A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block 1258of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an 1259elephant. 1260%% 1261A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into 1262superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. 1263 -- G. B. Shaw 1264%% 1265A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. 1266 -- D. Gries 1267%% 1268A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort 1269of). 1270%% 1271A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely 1272rearranging their prejudices. 1273 -- William James 1274%% 1275A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 1276%% 1277A lady with one of her ears applied 1278To an open keyhole heard, inside, 1279Two female gossips in converse free -- 1280The subject engaging them was she. 1281"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks 1282That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" 1283As soon as no more of it she could hear 1284The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 1285"I will not stay," she said with a pout, 1286"To hear my character lied about!" 1287 -- Gopete Sherany 1288%% 1289A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is 1290not worth knowing. 1291%% 1292A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program 1293in than some that do. 1294 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 1295%% 1296A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work 1297by being declared to work. 1298 -- Anatol Holt 1299%% 1300A limerick packs laughs anatomical 1301Into space that is quite economical. 1302 But the good ones I've seen 1303 So seldom are clean, 1304And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 1305%% 1306A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any 1307price. 1308%% 1309A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I 1310believe everything positively stinks. 1311 -- Lew Col 1312%% 1313A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" 1314 1315"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a 1316sense of obligation." 1317 -- Stephen Crane 1318%% 1319A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. 1320%% 1321A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. 1322%% 1323A new dramatist of the absurd 1324Has a voice that will shortly be heard. 1325 I learn from my spies 1326 He's about to devise 1327An unprintable three-letter word. 1328%% 1329A new koan: 1330 1331 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. 1332 1333 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. 1334 1335It is an ice cream koan. 1336%% 1337A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. 1338Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a "round tuit" now 1339has no excuse for further procrastination. 1340%% 1341A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. 1342%% 1343A penny saved is ridiculous. 1344%% 1345A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. 1346%% 1347A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. 1348 -- George Wald 1349%% 1350A pig is a jolly companion, 1351Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- 1352A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 1353Though mountains may topple and tilt. 1354When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, 1355When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, 1356Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, 1357You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, 1358You'll never go wrong with a pig! 1359 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 1360%% 1361A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? 1362 1363And he answered: 1364 1365It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. 1366 1367It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. 1368 1369It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City 1370upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come 1371to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. 1372 1373And that is Fate? said the priest. 1374 1375Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. 1376 1377That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was 1378too. 1379 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 1380%% 1381A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 1382%% 1383"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis 1384of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite 1385series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric 1386precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from 1387inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical 1388accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality 1389for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly 1390defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the 1391information in the first place." 1392 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine 1393%% 1394A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that 1395your wife will give you for free. 1396%% 1397A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices 1398that the system works. 1399%% 1400A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and 1401the real reason. 1402%% 1403A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen 1404objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer 1405scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added 1406concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three 1407dimensional objects ... 1408%% 1409A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man 1410contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. 1411 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 1412%% 1413A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard 1414 -- Prof. Steiner 1415%% 1416A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was 1417waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 1418 -- Mark Twain 1419%% 1420A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 1421 -- O'Henry 1422%% 1423A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an 1424exam. 1425%% 1426A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by 1427its author. 1428 -- S. C. Johnson 1429%% 1430A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, 1431and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. 1432 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1433%% 1434A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by 1435blowing first. 1436%% 1437A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 1438%% 1439A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest 1440in students. 1441 -- John Ciardi 1442%% 1443A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature 1444replaces it with. 1445 -- Tenessee Williams 1446%% 1447A very intelligent turtle 1448Found programming UNIX a hurdle 1449 The system, you see, 1450 Ran as slow as did he, 1451And that's not saying much for the turtle. 1452%% 1453A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without 1454getting nervous. 1455%% 1456"A witty saying proves nothing." 1457 -- Voltaire 1458%% 1459A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe 1460in God. 1461%% 1462A.A.A.A.A.: 1463 An organization for drunks who drive 1464%% 1465AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! 1466You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! 1467%% 1468ADA, n.: 1469 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 1470Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA 1471awareness." 1472%% 1473Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. 1474%% 1475About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the 1476ends. 1477 -- Herbert Hoover 1478%% 1479Absence makes the heart go wander. 1480%% 1481Absent, adj.: 1482 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; 1483slandered. 1484%% 1485Absentee, n.: 1486 A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove 1487himself from the sphere of exaction. 1488 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1489%% 1490Abstainer, n.: 1491 A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a 1492pleasure. 1493 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1494%% 1495Absurdity, n.: 1496 A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own 1497opinion. 1498 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1499%% 1500Accident, n.: 1501 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of 1502body is better. 1503%% 1504Accidents cause History. 1505 1506If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the 1507Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not 1508have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil 1509could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and 1510the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. 1511 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 1512%% 1513According to my best recollection, I don't remember. 1514 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo 1515%% 1516According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are 1517totally worthless. 1518%% 1519Accordion, n.: 1520 A bagpipe with pleats. 1521%% 1522Accuracy, n.: 1523 The vice of being right 1524%% 1525Acid -- better living through chemistry. 1526%% 1527Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality. 1528%% 1529Acquaintance, n.: 1530 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well 1531enough to lend to. 1532 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1533%% 1534"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from 1535coughing." 1536%% 1537Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had 1538 everyone glued in their seats!" 1539Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of 1540 it!" 1541%% 1542Actor: So what do you do for a living? 1543Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving 1544 dishes for Chinese restaurants. 1545 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 1546%% 1547Admiration, n.: 1548 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. 1549 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1550%% 1551Adolescence, n.: 1552 The stage between puberty and adultery. 1553%% 1554"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look 1555like you ..." 1556 --- Gilda Radner 1557%% 1558Adore, v.: 1559 To venerate expectantly. 1560 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1561%% 1562Adult, n.: 1563 One old enough to know better. 1564%% 1565After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose 1566names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary 1567Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted 1568many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi 1569Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two 1570different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current 1571developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer 1572attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led 1573to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, 1574skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously 1575injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it 1576hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact 1577that it sinks like a stone. 1578 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 1579%% 1580After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? 1581%% 1582After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known 1583quotations. 1584 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare 1585%% 1586After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not 1587for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have 1588simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. 1589 -- P. J. O'Rourke 1590%% 1591After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found 1592on the bench. 1593%% 1594After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access 1595cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been 1596removed. 1597%% 1598Afternoon, n.: 1599 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the 1600morning. 1601%% 1602Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a 1603change. 1604%% 1605Air is water with holes in it 1606%% 1607Alas, I am dying beyond my means. 1608 -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed 1609%% 1610Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire 1611telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New 1612York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? 1613And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they 1614receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." 1615%% 1616Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, 1617Aleph-null bottles of beer, 1618 You take one down, and pass it around, 1619Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. 1620%% 1621Alex Haley was adopted! 1622%% 1623Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting 1624for a dial tone. 1625%% 1626Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of 1627them keeps paying for it. 1628 -- Peggy Joyce 1629%% 1630All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 1631%% 1632All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own 1633importance. 1634%% 1635"All flesh is grass" 1636 -- Isiah 1637Smoke a friend today. 1638%% 1639"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us 1640sane." 1641%% 1642All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. 1643%% 1644All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of 1645every organism to live beyond its income. 1646 -- Samuel Butler 1647%% 1648All science is either physics or stamp collecting. 1649 -- E. Rutherford 1650%% 1651All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, 1652too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you 1653subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you 1654can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. 1655Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax 1656decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What 1657if it rains?" 1658 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 1659%% 1660All the world's a VAX, 1661And all the coders merely butchers; 1662They have their exits and their entrails; 1663And one int in his time plays many widths, 1664His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant, 1665Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. 1666And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, 1667And shining morning face, creeping like slug 1668Unwillingly to school. 1669 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 1670%% 1671All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. 1672 -- Sean O'Casey 1673%% 1674All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door. 1675%% 1676All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. 1677%% 1678All you have to do to see the accuracy of my thesis is look around 1679you. Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making 1680average incomes for doing average jobs -- bank vice presidents, 1681insurance salesman, auditors, secretaries of defense -- and you'll 1682realize they all dress the same way, essentially the way the mannequins 1683in the Sears menswear department dress. Now look at the real 1684successes, the people who make a lot more money than you -- Elton John, 1685Captain Kangaroo, anybody from Saudi Arabia, Big Bird, and so on. They 1686all dress funny -- and they all succeed. Are you catching on? 1687 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" 1688%% 1689Alliance, n.: 1690 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have 1691their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot 1692separately plunder a third. 1693 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1694%% 1695Alone, adj.: 1696 In bad company. 1697 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1698%% 1699Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, 1700mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have 1701any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place 1702to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, 1703Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a 1704serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the 1705same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely 1706that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A 1707penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job 1708running the post office. 1709 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 1710%% 1711Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid 1712back. 1713%% 1714Ambidextrous, adj.: 1715 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. 1716 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1717%% 1718Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. 1719 -- Charlie McCarthy 1720%% 1721America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism 1722to decadence without touching civilization. 1723 -- John O'Hara 1724%% 1725America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, 1726until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and 1727changed its name to "America". 1728 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 1729%% 1730Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. 1731%% 1732An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but 1733is always polite to traffic cops. 1734%% 1735An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. 1736 -- A. P. Herbert 1737%% 1738An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. 1739%% 1740An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. 1741%% 1742An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch He wears 1743a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised 1744only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich 1745Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in 1746incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote 1747excellence: 1748 1749"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and 1750discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able 1751to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting 1752things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch 1753parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a 1754timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who 1755doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. 1756Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high 1757school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as 1758successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and 1759they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." 1760 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 1761%% 1762An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. 1763%% 1764Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no 1765government at all. 1766%% 1767And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. 1768%% 1769And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a 1770horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical 1771columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, 1772ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the 1773world. 1774 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" 1775%% 1776Angels we have heard on High 1777Tell us to go out and Buy. 1778 -- Tom Leher 1779%% 1780Ankh if you love Isis. 1781%% 1782Anoint, v.: 1783 To grease a king or other great functionary already 1784sufficiently slippery. 1785 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1786%% 1787Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 1788%% 1789Anthony's Law of Force: 1790 Don't force it; get a larger hammer. 1791%% 1792Anthony's Law of the Workshop: 1793 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible 1794 corner of the workshop. 1795 1796Corollary: 1797 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike 1798 your toes. 1799%% 1800Antonym, n.: 1801 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. 1802%% 1803Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. 1804 -- Charles McCabe 1805%% 1806Any excuse will serve a tyrant. 1807 -- Aesop 1808%% 1809Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to 1810sell it. 1811%% 1812Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a 1813larger object. 1814%% 1815Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged 1816demo. 1817%% 1818Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. 1819 -- Arthur C. Clarke 1820%% 1821Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. 1822 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 1823%% 1824Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her. 1825%% 1826Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. 1827%% 1828Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is 1829probably parked. 1830%% 1831Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. 1832%% 1833Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. 1834 -- Publilius Syrus 1835%% 1836Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he 1837is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not 1838make messes in the house. 1839 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 1840%% 1841Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. 1842 -- Samuel Goldwyn 1843%% 1844Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. 1845 -- W. C. Fields 1846%% 1847Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no 1848account be allowed to do the job. 1849 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 1850%% 1851Anything free is worth what you pay for it. 1852%% 1853Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. 1854%% 1855Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. 1856%% 1857Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the 1858price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" 1859means the price went way up. 1860%% 1861Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. 1862%% 1863Anything worth doing is worth overdoing 1864%% 1865Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked 1866something. 1867%% 1868Aquadextrous, adj.: 1869 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off 1870with your toes. 1871 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1872%% 1873"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." 1874 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 1875%% 1876Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your 1877shoes. 1878 -- Mickey Mouse 1879%% 1880Armadillo: 1881 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle 1882%% 1883Arnold's Laws of Documentation: 1884 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. 1885 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. 1886 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the 1887 first two laws. 1888%% 1889Arthur's Laws of Love: 1890 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 1891 remind them of someone else. 1892 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will 1893 be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool 1894 of yourself in person. 1895%% 1896Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. 1897%% 1898As I was passing Project MAC, 1899I met a Quux with seven hacks. 1900Every hack had seven bugs; 1901Every bug had seven manifestations; 1902Every manifestation had seven symptoms. 1903Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, 1904How many losses at Project MAC? 1905%% 1906As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free 1907variable." 1908%% 1909As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." 1910%% 1911As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not 1912certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. 1913 -- Albert Einstein 1914%% 1915As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. 1916 -- Weisert 1917%% 1918As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its 1919fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be 1920popular. 1921 -- Oscar Wilde 1922%% 1923As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. 1924%% 1925"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 1926programs -- a process that traditionally requires some debugging." 1927 --- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new 1928 computer system. 1929%% 1930As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it 1931wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had 1932to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized 1933that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in 1934finding mistakes in my own programs. 1935 -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 1936%% 1937As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's 1938so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. 1939 -- Woody Allen 1940%% 1941As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there 1942is always a future in Computer Maintenance. 1943 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" 1944%% 1945As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple 1946memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time 1947to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, 1948E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. 1949 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" 1950%% 1951Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the 1952Station-to-Station rate. 1953%% 1954Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the 1955bathtub, it tolls for thee. 1956%% 1957Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" 1958for an answer. 1959%% 1960Ass, n.: 1961 The masculine of "lass". 1962%% 1963At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial 1964challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. 1965 -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985 1966%% 1967At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los 1968Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head 1969under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. 1970%% 1971At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will 1972find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on 1973the computer. 1974%% 1975Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. 1976 -- Winston Churchill 1977%% 1978Automobile, n.: 1979 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down 1980pedestrians. 1981%% 1982Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. 1983 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" 1984%% 1985Avoid reality at all costs. 1986%% 1987BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) 1988%% 1989BLISS is ignorance 1990%% 1991BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the 1992 outfit." 1993GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" 1994BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." 1995 -- Jay Ward 1996%% 1997Bacchus, n.: 1998 A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for 1999getting drunk. 2000 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2001%% 2002Bagdikian's Observation: 2003 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American 2004 newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" 2005 on a ukelele. 2006%% 2007Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: 2008 A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides 2009 by governors. 2010%% 2011Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. 2012%% 2013Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. 2014%% 2015Barach's Rule: 2016 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own 2017 physician. 2018%% 2019Barometer, n.: 2020 An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we 2021are having. 2022 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2023%% 2024Barth's Distinction: 2025 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two 2026 types, and those who don't. 2027%% 2028Baruch's Observation: 2029 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. 2030%% 2031Basic, n.: 2032 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in 2033that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. 2034%% 2035Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your 2036door. 2037%% 2038Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely 2039get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your 2040face. 2041 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" 2042%% 2043Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. 2044 -- Mark Twain 2045%% 2046Be different: conform. 2047%% 2048Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so 2049get used to it. 2050%% 2051Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and 2052miss 2053 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 2054%% 2055Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh 2056away. 2057%% 2058Beifeld's Principle: 2059 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and 2060 receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when 2061 he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) 2062 a better looking and richer male friend. 2063%% 2064Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. 2065%% 2066"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" 2067 -- Time Bandits 2068%% 2069Besides the device, the box should contain: 2070 2071* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" 2072 2073* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two 2074 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. 2075 2076YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram 2077cable. 2078 2079IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your 2080spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car 2081that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King 2082without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's 2083why." 2084 2085WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. 2086 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 2087%% 2088Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. 2089 -- Leonard Brandwein 2090%% 2091"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not 2092tried it." 2093 -- Donald Knuth 2094%% 2095Beware of low-flying butterflies. 2096%% 2097Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but 2098nothing of interest is easy. 2099%% 2100"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and 2101finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of 2102murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by 2103their ignorance the hard way." 2104 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" 2105%% 2106Binary, adj.: 2107 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. 2108%% 2109Bipolar, adj.: 2110 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, 2111New York 2112%% 2113Birth, n.: 2114 The first and direst of all disasters. 2115 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2116%% 2117Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic 2118%% 2119Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known 2120as Wheels. 2121%% 2122Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. 2123%% 2124Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in 2125plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has 2126it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was 2127arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept 2128throwing up on them. 2129%% 2130Boling's postulate: 2131 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. 2132%% 2133Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: 2134 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so 2135 vividly manifests their lack of progress. 2136%% 2137Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: 2138 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 2139%% 2140Boob's Law: 2141 You always find something in the last place you look. 2142%% 2143Bore, n.: 2144 A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 2145 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2146%% 2147Boren's Laws: 2148 (1) When in charge, ponder. 2149 (2) When in trouble, delegate. 2150 (3) When in doubt, mumble. 2151%% 2152Boss, n.: 2153 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages 2154the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, 2155in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an 2156ornamental stud." 2157%% 2158Boston, n.: 2159 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for 2160finishing second in the Irish jig competition. 2161%% 2162Boy, n.: 2163 A noise with dirt on it. 2164%% 2165Bradley's Bromide: 2166 If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a 2167 committee -- that will do them in. 2168%% 2169Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: 2170 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more 2171 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone 2172 Ranger have handled this?" 2173%% 2174Brain fried -- Core dumped 2175%% 2176Brain, n.: 2177 The apparatus with which we think that we think. 2178 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2179%% 2180Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: 2181 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of 2182error in an opponent. 2183 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2184%% 2185Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, 2186since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. 2187 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 2188%% 2189Bride, n.: 2190 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 2191 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2192%% 2193Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may 2194revitalize the corner saloon. 2195%% 2196British Israelites: 2197 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of 2198Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by 2199Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further 2200believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the 2201Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in 2202the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your 2203head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. 2204 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 2205%% 2206Broad-mindedness, n.: 2207 The result of flattening high-mindedness out. 2208%% 2209Brooke's Law: 2210 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool 2211 discovers something which either abolishes the system or 2212 expands it beyond recognition. 2213%% 2214Brook's Law: 2215 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later 2216%% 2217Bubble Memory, n.: 2218 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's 2219intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". 2220%% 2221Bucy's Law: 2222 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 2223%% 2224Bug: 2225 Small living things that small living boys throw on small 2226living girls. 2227%% 2228Bug, n.: 2229 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the 2230PROGRAMMER was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he 2231wrote the program. 2232 2233Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. 2234 -- Ray Simard 2235%% 2236Bumper sticker: 2237 2238"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British 2239manufacture" 2240%% 2241Bureaucrat, n.: 2242 A politician who has tenure. 2243%% 2244But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the 2245system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, 2246analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. 2247 -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing 2248 Compilers" 2249%% 2250But scientists, who ought to know 2251Assure us that it must be so. 2252Oh, let us never, never doubt 2253What nobody is sure about. 2254 -- Hilaire Belloc 2255%% 2256But soft you, the fair Ophelia: 2257Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, 2258But get thee to a nunnery -- go! 2259 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain 2260%% 2261But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who 2262was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal 2263education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 22641877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of 2265American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was 2266invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he 2267invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant 2268adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends 2269electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the 2270electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant 2271part) sends it right back to the customer again. 2272 2273This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch 2274of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since 2275very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. 2276In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United 2277States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it 2278ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate 2279increases. 2280 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 2281%% 2282"But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad 2283place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. 2284Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a 2285kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, 2286poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I 2287explained yet about the bytes?" 2288%% 2289"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable 2290computers?" 2291%% 2292Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes 2293Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; 2294Less dear than army ants in apple pies 2295Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, 2296Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; 2297Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose 2298They suck, and like the double-breasted suit 2299Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, 2300Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; 2301And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: 2302Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; 2303Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. 2304Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, 2305Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. 2306%% 2307By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task 2308completely overwhelm you. 2309%% 2310"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, 2311it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to 2312invent. (R. Emerson)" 2313 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program 2314 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") 2315 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to 2316 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"] 2317%% 2318Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to 2319point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very 2320fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are 2321often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people 2322from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B 2323that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often 2324wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell 2325they wanted to be. 2326 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 2327%% 2328C, n.: 2329 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more 2330like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or 2331anything else. It is either the best language available to the art 2332today, or it isn't. 2333 -- Ray Simard 2334%% 2335CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. 2336%% 2337Cabbage, n.: 2338 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as 2339a man's head. 2340 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2341%% 2342Cahn's Axiom: 2343 When all else fails, read the instructions. 2344%% 2345California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. 2346 -- Fred Allen 2347%% 2348California, n.: 2349 From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or 2350Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or 2351"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." 2352 -- Ed Moran 2353%% 2354Call on God, but row away from the rocks. 2355 -- Indian proverb 2356%% 2357"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target 2358Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept." 2359%% 2360"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle." 2361 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 2362%% 2363"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth 2364Corner, Vermont." 2365 -- Clarence Darrow 2366%% 2367Canada Bill Jone's Motto: 2368 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 2369 2370Supplement: 2371 A .44 magnum beats four aces. 2372%% 2373Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents 2374for postage and 30 cents for storage. 2375 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial 2376 Post 2377%% 2378Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? 2379Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, 2380A root or two, a torus and a node: 2381The inverse of my verse, a null domain. 2382 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2383%% 2384Captain Penny's Law: 2385 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of 2386 the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. 2387%% 2388Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than 2389expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to 2390complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their 2391planning to reduce the time it takes. 2392%% 2393Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: 2394 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a 2395dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then 2396putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 2397 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2398%% 2399Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. 2400 -- Mark Twain 2401%% 2402Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. 2403%% 2404Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. 2405%% 2406Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, 2407how many? 2408%% 2409Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. 2410Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something 2411Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy 2412 out of it? 2413Jaka: Ugh! 2414Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? 2415 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" 2416%% 2417Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long 2418walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They 2419then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy 2420health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, 2421not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find 2422only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the 2423others who have tried it. 2424 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2425%% 2426Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny-- 2427 Did you ever try buying then without money? 2428 -- Ogden Nash 2429%% 2430Character Density: the number of very weird people in the office. 2431%% 2432Chemicals, n.: 2433 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. 2434%% 2435Chicago, n.: 2436 Where the dead still vote ... early and often! 2437%% 2438Chicken Little was right. 2439%% 2440Chicken Soup, n.: 2441 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, 2442cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure 2443is neurotic dependence on one's mother. 2444 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 2445%% 2446Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every 2447effort to teach them good manners. 2448%% 2449Children aren't happy without something to ignore, 2450And that's what parents were created for. 2451 -- Ogden Nash 2452%% 2453Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for 2454word what you shouldn't have said. 2455%% 2456Chism's Law of Completion: 2457 The amount of time required to complete a government project is 2458 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. 2459%% 2460Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: 2461 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. 2462%% 2463Christ: 2464 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. 2465%% 2466Churchill's Commentary on Man: 2467 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the 2468 time he will pick himself up and continue on. 2469%% 2470Cigarette, n.: 2471 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in 2472between. 2473%% 2474Cinemuck, n.: 2475 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which 2476covers the floors of movie theaters. 2477 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2478%% 2479Cleanliness is next to impossible. 2480%% 2481"Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day." 2482%% 2483Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead. 2484%% 2485Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. 2486%% 2487Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on 2488society. 2489 -- Mark Twain 2490%% 2491Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. 2492%% 2493Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- 2494"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." 2495 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2496%% 2497Cold, adj.: 2498 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. 2499%% 2500Cold, adj.: 2501 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own 2502pockets. 2503%% 2504Collaboration, n.: 2505 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the 2506other fellow can spell. 2507%% 2508College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the 2509faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if 2510the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, 2511legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the 2512loss to humanity. 2513 -- H. L. Mencken 2514%% 2515Colvard's Logical Premises: 2516 All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or 2517 it won't. 2518Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: 2519 This is especially true when dealing with someone you're 2520 attracted to. 2521Grelb's Commentary 2522 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. 2523%% 2524Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 2525And every vector dreams of matrices. 2526Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 2527It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 2528 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2529%% 2530Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 2531Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 2532Their indices bedecked from one to _n, 2533Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 2534 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2535%% 2536Command, n.: 2537 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in 2538such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. 2539%% 2540Commitment, n.: 2541 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. 2542The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. 2543%% 2544Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 2545 -- Albert Einstein 2546%% 2547Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems 2548theory. 2549%% 2550Computer programmers do it byte by byte 2551%% 2552Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 2553%% 2554Conceit causes more conversation than wit. 2555 -- LaRouchefoucauld 2556%% 2557Concept, n.: 2558 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than 2559$25,000. 2560%% 2561Condense soup, not books! 2562%% 2563Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is 2564good for dandruff. 2565 -- Peter de Vries 2566%% 2567Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. 2568%% 2569Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that 2570would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that 2571you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer 2572maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS 2573OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY 2574UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED 2575IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD 2576WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDED AND 2577SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH HE KNOBS, 2578RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, 2579RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE 2580FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? 2581 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 2582%% 2583Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking 2584 -- H. L. Mencken 2585%% 2586Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 2587%% 2588Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then 2589give it back to them. 2590%% 2591"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and 2592if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" 2593 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 2594%% 2595Conversation, n.: 2596 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath 2597is called the listener. 2598%% 2599Conway's Law: 2600 In any organization there will always be one person who knows 2601 what is going on. 2602 2603 This person must be fired. 2604%% 2605Coronation, n.: 2606 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and 2607visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite 2608bomb. 2609 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2610%% 2611Corrupt, adj.: 2612 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. 2613%% 2614Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job 2615is to enforce the law and fight crime. 2616 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan 2617%% 2618Coward, n.: 2619 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 2620 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2621%% 2622Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with 2623nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. 2624 -- Wernher von Braun 2625%% 2626Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. 2627 -- A. E. Newman 2628%% 2629Critic, n.: 2630 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries 2631to please him. 2632 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2633%% 2634Cynic, n.: 2635 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not 2636as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking 2637out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 2638 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2639%% 2640Cynic, n.: 2641 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced 2642eye. 2643%% 2644Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. 2645%% 2646Dawn, n.: 2647 The time when men of reason go to bed. 2648 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2649%% 2650Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. 2651%% 2652DeVries's Dilemma: 2653 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want 2654 hits the paper. 2655%% 2656Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also 2657easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to 2658improve. 2659%% 2660Dear Lord: 2661 I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On 2662 the other hand", again. 2663%% 2664Dear Miss Manners: 2665 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's 2666elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between 2667courses, is all right. Which is correct? 2668 2669Gentle Reader: 2670 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home 2671economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this 2672principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now 2673than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners 2674believes that is. 2675%% 2676Dear Miss Manners: 2677 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from 2678 your face. 2679 2680Gentle Reader: 2681 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on 2682 your face ... 2683%% 2684Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. 2685%% 2686Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. 2687%% 2688Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. 2689 -- R. Geis 2690%% 2691Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down 2692%% 2693Decisionmaker, n.: 2694 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force 2695before the music stopped. 2696%% 2697Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really 2698overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene 2699language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the 2700judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when 2701addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). 2702 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing 2703 Assoc. 2704%% 2705Deliberation, n.: 2706 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is 2707buttered on. 2708 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2709%% 2710"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow." 2711%% 2712Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder 2713aloud what the country could do under first-class management. 2714 -- Senator Soaper 2715%% 2716Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the 2717incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. 2718 -- G. B. Shaw 2719%% 2720Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by 2721Jackasses. 2722 -- H. L. Mencken 2723%% 2724Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people 2725are right more than half of the time. 2726 -- E. B. White 2727%% 2728Dentist, n.: 2729 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls 2730coins out of one's pockets. 2731 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2732%% 2733Did you know ... 2734 2735That no-one ever reads these things? 2736%% 2737Did you know that clones never use mirrors? 2738 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2739%% 2740"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a 2741conventional thing to happen to him." 2742 -- John Barrymore's dying words 2743%% 2744Die, v.: 2745 To stop sinning suddenly. 2746 -- Elbert Hubbard 2747%% 2748Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. 2749%% 2750Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. 2751Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 2752%% 2753Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. 2754%% 2755Disc space -- the final frontier! 2756%% 2757Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 2758%% 2759Distress, n.: 2760 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. 2761 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2762%% 2763Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? 2764%% 2765Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? 2766%% 2767Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 2768%% 2769Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. 2770%% 2771Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to 2772anger. 2773%% 2774Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. 2775Violators will be prosecuted. 2776(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) 2777%% 2778Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. 2779%% 2780Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each 2781day as it comes. 2782 -- Donald Kaul 2783%% 2784Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. 2785%% 2786Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. 2787%% 2788Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take 2789the time to take the dirt out of them? 2790%% 2791"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" 2792"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 2793"I've never done anything illegal before." 2794"I thought you said you were an accountant!" 2795%% 2796Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and 2797when it is bad, it is better than nothing. 2798 -- Dick Brandon 2799%% 2800Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must 2801be good because the programmers hate it so much. 2802%% 2803Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she 2804 pretty? 2805W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of 2806 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to 2807 sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. 2808Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. 2809W. C.: It's almost impossible. 2810 -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson 2811 E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" 2812%% 2813Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 2814%% 2815Don't be humble, you're not that great. 2816 -- Golda Meir 2817%% 2818Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. 2819%% 2820Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! 2821%% 2822Don't feed the bats tonight. 2823%% 2824Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly 2825misleading. Debug only code. 2826 -- Dave Storer 2827%% 2828Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you 2829nothing. It was here first. 2830 -- Mark Twain 2831%% 2832Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. 2833%% 2834Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. 2835%% 2836Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. 2837%% 2838Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. 2839%% 2840Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking 2841distance. 2842%% 2843Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. 2844%% 2845Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy 2846it today you can do it again tomorrow. 2847%% 2848"Don't say yes until I finish talking." 2849 -- Darryl F. Zanuck 2850%% 2851Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out if it alive. 2852%% 2853Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. 2854%% 2855"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to 2856get more wax!!" 2857%% 2858Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already 2859tomorrow in Australia. 2860 -- Charles Schultz 2861%% 2862Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too 2863busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. 2864%% 2865Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? 2866%% 2867Down with categorical imperative! 2868%% 2869"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing." 2870%% 2871Drew's Law of Highway Biology: 2872 The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front 2873 of your eyes. 2874%% 2875Drive defensively. Buy a tank. 2876%% 2877Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic 2878route! 2879%% 2880Ducharme's Precept: 2881 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. 2882%% 2883Ducharm's Axiom: 2884 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize 2885 yourself as part of the problem. 2886%% 2887Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and 2888it holds the universe together ... 2889 -- Carl Zwanzig 2890%% 2891Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders 2892has been discontinued. 2893%% 2894Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate 2895and captain of your soul. 2896%% 2897During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down several 2898times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o 2899%% 2900Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to 2901have nothing whatever to do with it. 2902 -- W. Somerset Maughm 2903%% 2904E Pluribus Unix 2905%% 2906Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends. 2907%% 2908/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. 2909%% 2910"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." 2911 -- Jeff Berner 2912%% 2913Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: 2914 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the 2915cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of 2916the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this 2917means the puzzle is solved. 2918 -- Steve Rubenstein 2919%% 2920Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. 2921 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 2922%% 2923Economics, n.: 2924 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. 2925Galbraith ... 2926 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 2927%% 2928Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. 2929 -- Adlai Stevenson 2930%% 2931Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many 2932people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable 2933comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where 2934the "nog" comes from. 2935 2936To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in 2937season, eggs... 2938%% 2939Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain 2940of being a damned fool. 2941 -- Bellamy Brooks 2942%% 2943Egotist, n.: 2944 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. 2945 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2946%% 2947Ehrman's Commentary: 2948 1. Things will get worse before they get better. 2949 2. Who said things would get better? 2950%% 2951Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. 2952 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star 2953%% 2954Eisenhower was very nice, 2955Nixon was his only vice. 2956 -- C. Degen 2957%% 2958Eleanor Rigby 2959 Sits at the keyboard 2960 And waits for a line on the screen 2961Lives in a dream 2962Waits for a signal 2963 Finding some code 2964 That will make the machine do some more. 2965What is it for? 2966 2967All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 2968All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 2969%% 2970Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. 2971%% 2972Electrocution, n.: 2973 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. 2974%% 2975Elevators smell different to midgets 2976%% 2977Emersons' Law of Contrariness: 2978 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we 2979 can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. 2980%% 2981Encyclopedia Salesmen: 2982 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police 2983and tell them your house is being burgled. 2984 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 2985%% 2986Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. 2987Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. 2988 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 2989%% 2990Entropy isn't what it used to be. 2991%% 2992Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which 2993otherwise require harder thinking. 2994 -- Jerome Lettvin 2995%% 2996Equal bytes for women. 2997%% 2998Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 2999 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 3000Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven 3001 Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. 3002 -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" 3003%% 3004Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. 3005 -- Woody Allen 3006%% 3007Etymology, n.: 3008 Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations that 3009were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed 3010from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" 3011("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." 3012 -- Mike Kellen 3013%% 3014Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to 3015speak it to? 3016 -- Clarence Darrow 3017%% 3018"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral." 3019 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 3020%% 3021Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United 3022States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day. 3023%% 3024Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you 3025just how busy they are. 3026%% 3027Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman 3028and stop her. 3029%% 3030Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): 3031 3032Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in 3033front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an 3034odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even 3035and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of 3036legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, 3037there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse 3038of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same 3039color"], that does not exist. 3040%% 3041Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. 3042%% 3043Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. 3044%% 3045Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired 3046signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not 3047fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not 3048spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the 3049genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way 3050of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is 3051humanity hanging on a cross of iron. 3052 -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 3053%% 3054Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. 3055 -- Don Vonada 3056%% 3057Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. 3058 -- Miguel de Cervantes 3059%% 3060Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one 3061instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every 3062program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. 3063%% 3064Every program has two purposes -- 3065written and another for which it wasn't. 3066%% 3067Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. 3068%% 3069Every solution breeds new problems. 3070%% 3071Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no 3072guarantee of eventual success. 3073%% 3074"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it." 3075%% 3076Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. 3077 -- Beckett 3078%% 3079Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 3080 -- Dykstra 3081%% 3082Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 3083%% 3084Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be 3085taught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers. 3086%% 3087Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic 3088formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the 3089scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact 3090wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of 3091existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to 3092discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the 3093problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the 3094mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, 3095one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely 3096different way ... 3097 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 3098%% 3099Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it. 3100%% 3101Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, 3102no one we know belongs. 3103%% 3104Everything you know is wrong! 3105%% 3106Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 3107obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 3108solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. 3109There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 3110straight lines. 3111 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 3112%% 3113Everyting should be built top-down, except the first time. 3114%% 3115Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler. 3116%% 3117Excellent day to have a rotten day. 3118%% 3119Excellent time to become a missing person. 3120%% 3121Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from 3122acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 3123 -- W. Somerset Maugham 3124%% 3125Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. 3126%% 3127Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. 3128%% 3129Expense Accounts, n.: 3130 Corporate food stamps. 3131%% 3132Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 3133 -- Olivier 3134%% 3135Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a 3136mistake when you make it again. 3137 -- F. P. Jones 3138%% 3139Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and 3140the instruction afterward. 3141%% 3142Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old 3143ones. 3144%% 3145Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. 3146%% 3147Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 3148%% 3149F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! 3150%% 3151FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when 3152the little hand is on the .... 3153%% 3154FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 3155 3156Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good 3157liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and 3158light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything 3159drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. 3160%% 3161Fairy Tale, n.: 3162 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. 3163%% 3164Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic 3165without looking to see whether the seeds move. 3166%% 3167Faith, n: 3168 That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be 3169untrue. 3170%% 3171Fakir, n: 3172 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost 3173religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to 3174have shinnied up a rope and vanished. 3175%% 3176Familiarity breeds attempt 3177%% 3178Families, when a child is born 3179Want it to be intelligent. 3180I, through intelligence, 3181Having wrecked my whole life, 3182Only hope the baby will prove 3183Ignorant and stupid. 3184Then he will crown a tranquil life 3185By becoming a Cabinet Minister 3186 -- Su Tung-p'o 3187%% 3188Famous last words: 3189%% 3190Famous last words: 3191 1. Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 3192 2. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 3193 3. What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- 3194 4. We won't need reservations. 3195 5. It's always sunny there this time of the year. 3196 6. Don't worry, it's not loaded. 3197 7. They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. 3198%% 3199Famous last words: 3200 1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." 3201 2) "You and what army?" 3202 3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be 3203 a cop." 3204%% 3205Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the 3206Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. 3207Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an 3208utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life 3209forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches 3210are a pretty neat idea ... 3211 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 3212%% 3213Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it 3214every six months. 3215 -- Oscar Wilde 3216%% 3217Fats Loves Madelyn 3218%% 3219Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... 3220%% 3221Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, 3222neither will you. 3223%% 3224Fifth Law of Applied Terror: 3225 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 3226Corollary: 3227 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you 3228 live. 3229%% 3230Fifth Law of Procrastination: 3231 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that 3232 there is nothing important to do. 3233%% 3234Finagle's Creed: 3235 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 3236%% 3237Finagle's First Law: 3238 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 3239%% 3240Finagle's Second Law: 3241 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be 3242 someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) 3243 believe it happened according to his own pet theory. 3244%% 3245Finagle's Third Law: 3246 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, 3247 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake 3248 3249Corollaries: 3250 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 3251 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really 3252 don't want to hear, will see it immediately. 3253%% 3254Finagle's fourth Law: 3255 Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only 3256 makes it worse. 3257%% 3258Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. 3259%% 3260Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. 3261%% 3262First Law of Bicycling: 3263 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the 3264 wind. 3265%% 3266First Law of Procrastination: 3267 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility 3268 for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who 3269 imposed the deadline). 3270%% 3271First Law of Socio-Genetics: 3272 Celibacy is not hereditary. 3273%% 3274First Rule of History: 3275 History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each 3276 other. 3277%% 3278Flappity, floppity, flip 3279The mouse on the m"obius strip; 3280 The strip revolved, 3281 The mouse dissolved 3282In a chronodimensional skip. 3283%% 3284Flon's Law: 3285 There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is 3286 the least bit difficult to write bad programs. 3287%% 3288Flugg's Law: 3289 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the 3290 world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. 3291%% 3292For a good time, call (415) 642-9483 3293%% 3294For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be 3295always old-fashioned. 3296%% 3297For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, 3298and wrong. 3299 -- H. L. Mencken 3300%% 3301For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. 3302 -- R. Clopton 3303%% 3304For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say 3305"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. 3306 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to 3307 the U.S. 3308%% 3309For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. 3310%% 3311"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of 3312a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with 3313computers altogether?" 3314 -- Jehan Shuman 3315%% 3316For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they 3317like. 3318 -- Abraham Lincoln 3319%% 3320For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- 3321I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. 3322But now I think a thought that brings me hope: 3323Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. 3324 -- Justin Richardson. 3325%% 3326Forgetfulness, n.: 3327 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their 3328destitution of conscience. 3329%% 3330Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): 3331 3332 Don't Write On Walls! 3333 3334 (and underneath) 3335 3336 You want I should type? 3337%% 3338Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful 3339Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an 3340impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and 3341clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following 3342exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. 3343 3344DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are 3345 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. 3346HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? 3347DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter 3348 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out 3349 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large 3350 amounts of fertilization. 3351HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many 3352 teenagers who read The Congressional Record. 3353%% 3354Fourth Law of Applied Terror: 3355 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology 3356 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 3357Corollary: 3358 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do 3359 except study for that instructor's course. 3360%% 3361Fourth Law of Revision: 3362 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about 3363 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for 3364 you. 3365%% 3366Fresco's Discovery: 3367 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. 3368%% 3369Friends, Romans, Hipsters, 3370Let me clue you in; 3371I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him. 3372The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; 3373The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. The cool Brutus 3374Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes; 3375If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, 3376And, like, old Caeser really set them straight. 3377Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; 3378So are they all, all cool cats, -- 3379Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down. 3380%% 3381Frisbeetarianism, n.: 3382 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and 3383gets stuck. 3384%% 3385Frobnicate, v.: 3386 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. 3387Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a 3388frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK 3389sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless 3390manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse 3391search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is 3392turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it 3393he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the 3394screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because 3395turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. 3396%% 3397From too much love of living, 3398From hope and fear set free, 3399We thank with brief thanksgiving, 3400Whatever gods may be, 3401That no life lives forever, 3402That dead men rise up never, 3403That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. 3404 -- Swinburne 3405%% 3406Fudd's First Law of Opposition: 3407 Push something hard enough and it will fall over. 3408%% 3409Furbling, v.: 3410 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 3411even when you are the only person in line. 3412 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 3413%% 3414Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 3415 -- H. H. Williams 3416%% 3417Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. 3418%% 3419G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One 3420of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his 3421secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says 3422`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' 3423And that's your chance, my boy." 3424%% 3425GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) 3426 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while 3427 you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy 3428 praise and respect from those around you; everybody loves a 3429 sucker. A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's 3430 room. 3431%% 3432//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH 3433%% 3434Garbage In -- Gospel Out. 3435%% 3436Garter, n.: 3437 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her 3438stockings and desolating the country. 3439 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3440%% 3441Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall 3442on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! 3443 -- Adventures of Asterix. 3444%% 3445Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". 3446 3447 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound 3448than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: 3449 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." 3450Obvious, isn't it? 3451 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start 3452speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as 3453long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all 3454your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and 3455so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed 3456individuals and then grow ... 3457 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those 3458signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when 3459everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on 3460the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs 3461backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I 3462think not, my friend, I think not. 3463 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 3464%% 3465Genderplex, n.: 3466 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 3467determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and 3468tortoises). 3469 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 3470%% 3471Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why 3472you should. 3473%% 3474Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus 3475handicapped. 3476 -- Elbert Hubbard 3477%% 3478Genius, n.: 3479 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with 3480"bright". 3481%% 3482George Orwell was an optimist. 3483%% 3484Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 3485 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong 3486 direction. 3487 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3488 3. The energy required to change either one of these states 3489 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so 3490 much as to make the task totally impossible. 3491%% 3492Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! 3493%% 3494Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. 3495%% 3496Ginsberg's Theorem: 3497 1. You can't win. 3498 2. You can't break even. 3499 3. You can't even quit the game. 3500 3501Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: 3502 3503 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem 3504 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's 3505 Theorem. To wit: 3506 3507 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 3508 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break 3509 even. 3510 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the 3511 game. 3512%% 3513Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place 3514to stand, and I will drain the world. 3515%% 3516Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! 3517%% 3518Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to 3519a new town. 3520%% 3521Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. 3522%% 3523Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: 3524 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the 3525 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting 3526 some useful work done. 3527%% 3528Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may 3529be in owning a piece thereof. 3530 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" 3531%% 3532Go 'way! You're bothering me! 3533%% 3534God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days 3535and then pulled an all-nighter. 3536%% 3537"God gives burdens; also shoulders" 3538 3539 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech 3540at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish 3541saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth 3542though; why would he lie about a thing like that? 3543 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 3544%% 3545God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... 3546The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do 3547not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman 3548... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on 3549smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and 3550water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in 3551the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at 3552night! 3553 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher 3554%% 3555God is Dead 3556 -- Nietzsche 3557Nietzsche is Dead 3558 -- God 3559Nietzsche is God 3560 -- The Dead 3561%% 3562God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh 3563%% 3564God is a polythiest 3565%% 3566God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's 3567%% 3568God is real, unless declared integer. 3569%% 3570God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the 3571elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying 3572other things. 3573 -- Pablo Picasso 3574%% 3575God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. 3576 -- Alfred Jarry 3577%% 3578God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. 3579%% 3580God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. 3581%% 3582God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board 3583 -- Mark Twain 3584%% 3585God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. 3586 -- Kronecker 3587%% 3588God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. 3589%% 3590God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. 3591 -- Albert Einstein 3592%% 3593God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. 3594%% 3595God rest ye CS students now, 3596Let nothing you dismay. 3597The VAX is down and won't be up, 3598Until the first of May. 3599The program that was due this morn, 3600Won't be postponed, they say. 3601 3602 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, 3603 Comfort and joy, 3604 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. 3605 3606The bearings on the drum are gone, 3607The disk is wobbling, too. 3608We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol 3609Can't tell false from true. 3610And now we find that we can't get 3611At Berkeley's 4.2. 3612 3613 (chorus) 3614%% 3615Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to 3616school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a 3617person a car. 3618%% 3619Gold, n.: 3620 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It 3621is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who 3622immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold 3623hasn't done anything to them. 3624 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 3625%% 3626Goldenstern's Rules: 3627 1. Always hire a rich attorney 3628 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. 3629%% 3630Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad 3631example. 3632 -- La Rouchefoucauld 3633%% 3634Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. 3635%% 3636Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. 3637%% 3638Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. 3639%% 3640Good day to let down old friends who need help. 3641%% 3642Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. 3643%% 3644Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. 3645%% 3646Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 3647%% 3648Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's 3649new lover. 3650%% 3651Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. 3652 -- George Saunders' dying words 3653%% 3654Got Mole problems? 3655Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23 3656%% 3657Goto, n.: 3658 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers 3659to complain about unstructured programmers. 3660 -- Ray Simard 3661%% 3662Goy: ... The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, 3663as the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: 3664 3665 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. 3666Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is 3667Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. 3668 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. 3669Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. 3670Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. 3671Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is 3672goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that 3673Jews won't go near them ..." 3674 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 3675%% 3676Grabel's Law: 3677 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. 3678%% 3679Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. 3680%% 3681Grandpa Charnock's Law: 3682 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 3683%% 3684Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. 3685%% 3686Gray's Law of Programming: 3687 `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same 3688 time as `_n' tasks. 3689 3690Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 3691 `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks. 3692%% 3693Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic 3694tickets. 3695%% 3696Greener's Law: 3697 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. 3698%% 3699Grelb's Reminder: 3700 Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above 3701 average drivers. 3702%% 3703"Grub first, then ethics." 3704 -- Bertolt Brecht 3705%% 3706Gyroscope, n.: 3707 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also 3708free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each 3709other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two 3710mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the 3711other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus 3712offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any 3713torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. 3714 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary 3715%% 3716H. L. Mencken's Law: 3717 Those who can -- do. 3718 Those who can't -- teach. 3719 3720Martin's Extension: 3721 Those who cannot teach -- administrate. 3722%% 3723HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. 3724SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. 3725 -- Walt Kelley 3726%% 3727Hacker's Law: 3728 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir 3729 a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 3730%% 3731Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. 3732%% 3733Hail to the sun god 3734He sure is a fun god 3735Ra! Ra! Ra! 3736%% 3737Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.) 3738%% 3739Half-done: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still 3740crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference 3741between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like 3742the the difference between life and death. 3743 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill 3744there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the 3745airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough 3746Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on 3747Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk 3748about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the 3749man, "Let me have a nice half-done." 3750 Worth the trouble, wasn't it? 3751 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 3752%% 3753Hall's Laws of Politics: 3754 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 3755 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something 3756 fixed. 3757 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend 3758 military spending, and conservatives social spending in 3759 their own districts). 3760%% 3761Hand, n.: 3762 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and 3763commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. 3764 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3765%% 3766Hanlon's Razor: 3767 Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by 3768 stupidity. 3769%% 3770Hanson's Treatment of Time: 3771 There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days 3772 before Saturday. 3773%% 3774Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. 3775 -- Ogden Nash 3776%% 3777Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. 3778 -- Oscar Levant 3779%% 3780Happiness, n.: 3781 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of 3782another. 3783 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3784%% 3785Hardware, n.: 3786 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 3787%% 3788Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark 3789The Duke is fond of kittens 3790He likes to take their insides out 3791And use them for his mittens 3792 From "The Thirteen Clocks" 3793%% 3794Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, 3795Advertising wondrous things. 3796 -- Tom Leher 3797%% 3798Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: 3799 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of 3800 equipment ruined. 3801%% 3802Harris's Lament: 3803 All the good ones are taken. 3804%% 3805Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he 3806makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean 3807famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses 3808probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you 3809have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like 3810enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their 3811attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock 3812down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, 3813just like Richard Nixon." 3814 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" 3815%% 3816Hartley's First Law: 3817 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float 3818 on his back, you've got something. 3819%% 3820Hartley's Second Law: 3821 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 3822%% 3823Harvard Law: 3824 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, 3825 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the 3826 organism will do as it damn well pleases. 3827%% 3828Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are 3829typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter 3830keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use 3831of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is 3832not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. 3833%% 3834Hatred, n.: 3835 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's 3836superiority. 3837 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3838%% 3839Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell 3840you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time 3841for play? 3842%% 3843Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a 3844crack in your sidewalk? 3845%% 3846He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and 3847heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope 3848of ever behaving "normally." 3849 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 3850%% 3851He hadn't a single redeeming vice. 3852 -- Oscar Wilde 3853%% 3854"He is now rising from affluence to poverty." 3855 -- Mark Twain 3856%% 3857He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. 3858%% 3859He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. 3860 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 3861%% 3862He thought he saw an albatross 3863That fluttered 'round the lamp. 3864He looked again and saw it was 3865A penny postage stamp. 3866"You'd best be getting home," he said, 3867"The nights are rather damp." 3868%% 3869"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both 3870eyes ..." 3871%% 3872He who Laughs, Lasts. 3873%% 3874He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry 3875attacks democracy itself. 3876 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS 3877%% 3878Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 3879%% 3880Heaven, n.: 3881 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of 3882their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you 3883expound your own. 3884 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3885%% 3886Heavy, adj.: 3887 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. 3888%% 3889"Heisenberg may have slept here" 3890%% 3891Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. 3892 -- Milton Friedman 3893%% 3894Heller's Law: 3895 The first myth of management is that it exists. 3896 3897Johnson's Corollary: 3898 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the 3899 organization. 3900%% 3901Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! 3902%% 3903Help a swallow land at Capistrano. 3904%% 3905Her locks an ancient lady gave 3906Her loving husband's life to save; 3907And men -- they honored so the dame -- 3908Upon some stars bestowed her name. 3909 3910But to our modern married fair, 3911Who'd give their lords to save their hair, 3912No stellar recognition's given. 3913There are not stars enough in heaven. 3914%% 3915Here I sit, broken-hearted, 3916All logged in, but work unstarted. 3917First net.this and net.that, 3918And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. 3919 3920The boss comes by, and I play the game, 3921Then I turn back to net.flame. 3922Is there a cure (I need your views), 3923For someone trapped in net.news? 3924 3925I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 3926'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. 3927%% 3928"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from 3929Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..." 3930%% 3931Here in my heart, I am Helen; 3932 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. 3933I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el; 3934 I'm Salome, moon of the East. 3935 3936Here in my soul I am Sappho; 3937 Lady Hamilton am I, as well. 3938In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, 3939 With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. 3940 3941I'm all of the glamorous ladies 3942 At whose beckoning history shook. 3943But you are a man, and see only my pan, 3944 So I stay at home with a book. 3945 -- Dorothy Parker 3946%% 3947Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical 3948lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach 3949your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. 3950Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in 3951pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, 3952but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an 3953important electrical lesson. 3954 3955It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed 3956your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small 3957objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will 3958attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and 3959collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your 3960friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the 3961carpet, thus completing the circuit. 3962 3963Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without 3964touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your 3965finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you 3966have carpeting. 3967 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 3968%% 3969"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..." 3970%% 3971He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be 3972there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. 3973%% 3974"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..." 3975%% 3976Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, 3977then they'd be algorithms. 3978%% 3979"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" 3980 -- W. C. Fields 3981%% 3982Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person 3983reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, 3984nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. 3985%% 3986Higgeldy Piggeldy, 3987Hamlet of Elsinore 3988Ruffled the critics by 3989Dropping this bomb: 3990"Phooey on Freud and his 3991Psychoanalysis -- 3992Oedipus, Shmoedipus, 3993I just loved Mom." 3994%% 3995Hindsight is an exact science. 3996%% 3997Hippogriff, n.: 3998 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. 3999The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. 4000The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which 4001is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full 4002of surprises. 4003 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4004%% 4005Hire the morally handicapped. 4006%% 4007"His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice" 4008 -- Foghorn Leghorn 4009%% 4010"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier." 4011%% 4012History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. 4013%% 4014Hlade's Law: 4015 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they 4016 will find an easier way to do it. 4017%% 4018Hoare's Law of Large Problems: 4019 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get 4020 out. 4021%% 4022Hofstadter's Law: 4023 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take 4024 Hofstadter's Law into account. 4025%% 4026Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. 4027 -- Rex Reed 4028%% 4029"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense" 4030%% 4031Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. 4032 -- F. M. Hubbard 4033%% 4034Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." 4035%% 4036Honk if you love peace and quiet. 4037%% 4038Honorable, adj.: 4039 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative 4040bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the 4041honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." 4042 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4043%% 4044Horngren's Observation: 4045 Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 4046%% 4047Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on 4048people. 4049 -- W. C. Fields 4050%% 4051How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? 4052%% 4053How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? 4054%% 4055How come wrong numbers are never busy? 4056%% 4057How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? 4058 -- Elliot, "E.T." 4059%% 4060How doth the VAX's C compiler 4061Improve its object code. 4062And even as we speak does it 4063Increase the system load. 4064 4065How patiently it seems to run 4066And spit out error flags, 4067While users, with frustration, all 4068Tear their clothes to rags. 4069%% 4070How doth the VAX's C-compiler 4071Improve its object code. 4072And even as we speak does it 4073Increase the system load. 4074 4075How patiently it seems to run 4076And spit out error flags, 4077While users, with frustration, all 4078Tear all their clothes to rags. 4079%% 4080How doth the little crocodile 4081 Improve his shining tail, 4082And pour the waters of the Nile 4083 On every golden scale! 4084 4085How cheerfully he seems to grin, 4086 How neatly spreads his claws, 4087And welcomes little fishes in, 4088 With gently smiling jaws! 4089 -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" 4090%% 4091How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're 4092on. 4093%% 4094How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? 4095 4096None. The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of 4097the way. 4098%% 4099How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 4100None: "We'll fix it in software." 4101 4102How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 4103None: "We'll document it in the manual." 4104 4105How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 4106None: "The user can work it out." 4107%% 4108How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to 4109Dayton? 4110 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey 4111%% 4112How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. 4113%% 4114Howe's Law: 4115 Everyone has a scheme that will not work. 4116%% 4117However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional 4118manner ... sulking and nausea. 4119 -- Tom K. Ryan 4120%% 4121Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. 4122%% 4123Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 41241929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an 4125operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral 4126catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of 4127his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took 4128the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the 4129Nobel Prize. 4130%% 4131Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. 4132%% 4133"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." 4134 -- William Gilbert 4135%% 4136Hurewitz's Memory Principle: 4137 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional 4138 to ..... to ........ uh .............. 4139%% 4140I am changing my name to Crysler 4141I am going down to Washington, D.C. 4142I will tell some power broker 4143 What they did for Iacocca 4144Will be perfectly acceptable to me! 4145I am changing my name to Chrysler, 4146I am heading for that great receiving line. 4147When they hand a million grand out, 4148 I'll be standing with my hand out, 4149Yessir, I'll get mine! 4150%% 4151I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of 4152pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell 4153you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial 4154atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something 4155inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. 4156 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan 4157%% 4158"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!" 4159 -- Paul McCracken 4160%% 4161I am not now, and never have been, a girl friend of Henry Kissinger. 4162 -- Gloria Steinem 4163%% 4164"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." 4165 -- English Professor 4166%% 4167I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the 4168great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 4169 -- Winston Churchill 4170%% 4171"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone 4172has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." 4173 --English Professor, Ohio University 4174%% 4175I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. 4176%% 4177I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. 4178 -- G. K. Chesterton 4179%% 4180I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. 4181 -- Will Rogers 4182%% 4183I bet the human brain is a kludge. 4184 -- Marvin Minsky 4185%% 4186I can resist anything but temptation. 4187%% 4188I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. 4189 -- Lillian Hellman 4190%% 4191I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. 4192 4193What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good 4194grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause 4195of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the 4196United States would have lost World War II." 4197 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" 4198%% 4199I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. 4200 -- Joe Walsh 4201%% 4202I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. 4203 -- Isaac Asimov 4204%% 4205I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us 4206with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. 4207 -- Galileo Galilei 4208%% 4209I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should. 4210 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 4211%% 4212I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians 4213don't believe in astrology. 4214 -- James R. F. Quirk 4215%% 4216"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the 4217nominating" 4218 -- Boss Tweed 4219%% 4220"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." 4221 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 4222%% 4223I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people 4224waiting to abuse me. 4225 --Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 4226%% 4227I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd 4228eat it, and I just hate it. 4229 -- Clarence Darrow 4230%% 4231I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!? 4232%% 4233I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business 4234on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment 4235he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual 4236becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. 4237 -- George Bernard Shaw 4238%% 4239"I drink to make other people interesting." 4240 -- George Jean Nathan 4241%% 4242I for one cannot protest the recent M. T. A. fare hike and the 4243accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For 4244the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that 4245can't be measured in monetary terms. 4246 4247Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have 4248that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by 4249subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should 4250someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly 4251understand his long delay. 4252%% 4253I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the 4254accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For 4255the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that 4256can't be measured in monetary terms. 4257 4258Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have 4259that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by 4260subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should 4261someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly 4262understand his long delay. 4263%% 4264I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. 4265 -- Mae West 4266%% 4267I get up each morning, gather my wits. 4268Pick up the paper, read the obits. 4269If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 4270So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 4271 4272Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? 4273My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. 4274But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, 4275And think of the places my get-up has been. 4276 -- Pete Seeger 4277%% 4278I hate quotations. 4279 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 4280%% 4281I have a simple philosophy: 4282 4283 Fill what's empty. 4284 Empty what's full. 4285 Scratch where it itches. 4286 -- A. R. Longworth 4287%% 4288I have learned 4289To spell hors d'oeuvres 4290Which still grates on 4291Some people's n'oeuvres. 4292 -- Warren Knox 4293%% 4294I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that 4295I have never made one. 4296 -- James Gordon Bennett 4297%% 4298I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to 4299make it shorter. 4300 -- Blaise Pascal 4301%% 4302I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. 4303 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 4304%% 4305I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. 4306 -- Oscar Wilde 4307%% 4308I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. 4309%% 4310I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. 4311%% 4312"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more." 4313 -- Bill Hoest 4314%% 4315"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but 4316World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." 4317 -- Albert Einstein 4318%% 4319I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. 4320 -- Art Leo 4321%% 4322I like work ... 4323I can sit and watch it for hours. 4324%% 4325I like your game but we have to change the rules. 4326%% 4327"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." 4328 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 4329%% 4330"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a 4331week sometimes to make it up." 4332 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" 4333%% 4334I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts 4335%% 4336I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do 4337was to go away. 4338%% 4339I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. 4340%% 4341I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral 4342slob. 4343 -- William F. Buckley 4344%% 4345I really hate this damned machine 4346I wish that they would sell it. 4347It never does quite what I want 4348But only what I tell it. 4349%% 4350"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person." 4351%% 4352I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, 4353I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. 4354Bernoulli would have been content to die 4355Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! 4356 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 4357%% 4358I sent a letter to the fish, 4359I told them, "This is what I wish." 4360The little fishes of the sea, 4361They sent an answer back to me. 4362The little fishes' answer was 4363"We cannot do it, sir, because ..." 4364I sent a letter back to say 4365It would be better to obey. 4366But someone came to me and said 4367"The little fishes are in bed." 4368I said to him, and I said it plain 4369"Then you must wake them up again." 4370I said it very loud and clear, 4371I went and shouted in his ear. 4372But he was very stiff and proud, 4373He said "You needn't shout so loud." 4374And he was very proud and stiff, 4375He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." 4376I took a kettle from the shelf, 4377I went to wake them up myself. 4378But when I found the door was locked 4379I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, 4380And when I found the door was shut, 4381I tried to turn the handle, But ... 4382 4383 "Is that all?" asked Alice. 4384 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." 4385 -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" 4386%% 4387I think that I shall never see 4388A billboard lovely as a tree. 4389Perhaps, unless the billboards fall 4390I'll never see a tree at all. 4391 -- Ogden Nash 4392%% 4393I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. 4394%% 4395I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 4396%% 4397"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. 4398Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE 4399HAW"!!'" 4400 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" 4401%% 4402I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I 4403didn't know. 4404 -- Mark Twain 4405%% 4406I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained 4407it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass 4408stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. 4409I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be 4410absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had 4411developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. 4412Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's 4413temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I 4414chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to 4415the point where it would not run at all. 4416 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black 4417 Holes and the Fate of Stars" 4418%% 4419I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's 4420a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work. 4421 -- Gallagher 4422%% 4423I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've 4424always worked for me. 4425 -- Hunter S. Thompson 4426%% 4427IBM had a PL/I, 4428 Its syntax worse than JOSS; 4429And everywhere this language went, 4430 It was a total loss. 4431%% 4432I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 4433%% 4434"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got 4435to undo it." 4436%% 4437"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat." 4438%% 4439"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I 4440snore." 4441%% 4442"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in 4443`Y.'" 4444%% 4445"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my 4446blender." 4447%% 4448"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my 4449garage door." 4450%% 4451"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from 4452Julian to Gregorian." 4453%% 4454"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for 4455static cling." 4456%% 4457"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered." 4458%% 4459"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my 4460cottage cheese sculpture." 4461%% 4462"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving." 4463%% 4464"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma 4465transplant." 4466%% 4467"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night." 4468%% 4469"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV." 4470%% 4471"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never 4472came back." 4473%% 4474"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say 4475tuned." 4476%% 4477"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that 4478need worrying about." 4479%% 4480I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. 4481%% 4482Idiot Box, n.: 4483 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the 4484stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 4485 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4486%% 4487Idiot, n.: 4488 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human 4489affairs has always been dominant and controlling. 4490 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4491%% 4492If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. 4493 -- Roy Santoro 4494%% 4495If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. 4496%% 4497If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. 4498%% 4499If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit 4500Ears. 4501%% 4502If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their 4503Heads. 4504%% 4505If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with 4506green, baggy skin. 4507%% 4508If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. 4509%% 4510If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to 4511invent it. 4512%% 4513If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger 4514hands. 4515%% 4516If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? 4517%% 4518"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows." 4519 -- Yiddish saying 4520%% 4521If I don't drive around the park, 4522I'm pretty sure to make my mark. 4523If I'm in bed each night by ten, 4524I may get back my looks again. 4525If I abstain from fun and such, 4526I'll probably amount to much; 4527But I shall stay the way I am, 4528Because I do not give a damn. 4529 -- Dorothy Parker 4530%% 4531If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the 4532plantation and go home. 4533 -- Eugene P. Gallagher 4534%% 4535If I had any humility I would be perfect. 4536 -- Ted Turner 4537%% 4538"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." 4539 -- Albert Einstein 4540%% 4541If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. 4542 4543On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is 4544also a psychological interaction. 4545 4546The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so 4547friendly. 4548 4549The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. 4550 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 4551%% 4552If I traveled to the end of the rainbow 4553As Dame Fortune did intend, 4554Murphy would be there to tell me 4555The pot's at the other end. 4556 -- Bert Whitney 4557%% 4558If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. 4559They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun 4560of it. 4561 -- Thomas Carlyle 4562%% 4563If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. 4564%% 4565If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1 4566passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. 4567 -- T. Cheatham 4568%% 4569If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake 4570him up. 4571%% 4572If all be true that I do think, 4573There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; 4574Good friends, good wine, or being dry, 4575Or lest we should be by-and-by, 4576Or any other reason why. 4577%% 4578If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular 4579error. 4580 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 4581%% 4582If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. 4583 -- Paul Beatty 4584%% 4585If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a 4586conclusion. 4587 -- William Baumol 4588%% 4589If an S and an I and an O and a U 4590With an X at the end spell Su; 4591And an E and a Y and an E spell I, 4592Pray what is a speller to do? 4593Then, if also an S and an I and a G 4594And an HED spell side, 4595There's nothing much left for a speller to do 4596But to go commit siouxeyesighed. 4597 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" 4598%% 4599If anything can go wrong, it will. 4600%% 4601If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool. 4602%% 4603If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 4604%% 4605If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four 4606tellers? 4607%% 4608"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?" 4609%% 4610If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? 4611%% 4612If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. 4613%% 4614If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? 4615%% 4616If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. 4617%% 4618If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. 4619%% 4620If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women 4621you've got in the house. 4622 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 4623%% 4624If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by 4625the page number. 4626%% 4627If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. 4628%% 4629If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit 4630in my name at a Swiss bank. 4631 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 4632%% 4633If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. 4634%% 4635If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without 4636having to accomplish anything. 4637%% 4638If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of 4639arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the 4640physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker 4641entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. 4642 -- Vannevar Bush 4643%% 4644If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied 4645harder. 4646 -- Pope John Paul I 4647%% 4648"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for 4649me!" 4650 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) 4651%% 4652If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. 4653 -- Norm Schryer 4654%% 4655If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to 4656get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. 4657See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving 4658the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting 4659that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The 4660college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious 4661and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to 4662rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. 4663Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure 4664interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by 4665opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for 4666himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for 4667boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. 4668 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 4669%% 4670If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances 4671are 50-50 it will. 4672%% 4673If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If 4674the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the 4675bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will 4676exceed all expectations. 4677 -- Reverend Chichester 4678%% 4679If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. 4680%% 4681If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that 4682will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 4683%% 4684If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? 4685 -- Art Hoppe 4686%% 4687If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. 4688%% 4689If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? 4690%% 4691If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is 4692doing the thinking. 4693 -- Lyndon Baines Johnson 4694%% 4695If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are 4696headed. 4697%% 4698If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel 4699in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary 4700qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. 4701 -- Marguerite Emmons 4702%% 4703"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." 4704 -- J. Paul Getty 4705%% 4706If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. 4707%% 4708If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. 4709%% 4710If you cannot convince them, confuse them. 4711 -- Harry S Truman 4712%% 4713If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a 4714call. 4715%% 4716If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. 4717%% 4718If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? 4719%% 4720If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 4721%% 4722If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody 4723will. 4724%% 4725If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it 4726will always do it. 4727 -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin 4728%% 4729"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is 4730make the rubble bounce" 4731 -- Winston Churchill 4732%% 4733If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. 4734%% 4735If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. 4736%% 4737"If you have to hate, hate gently" 4738%% 4739If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. 4740 -- Graham Summer 4741%% 4742If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you 4743really make them think they'll hate you. 4744%% 4745If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. 4746 -- Maslow 4747%% 4748If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure 4749can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly 4750develop. 4751%% 4752If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite 4753you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. 4754 -- Mark Twain 4755%% 4756If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, 4757you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get 4758ice, but no cup. 4759%% 4760If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But 4761this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is 4762somehow enobled and none dare criticize it. 4763%% 4764If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. 4765 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard 4766%% 4767If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens 4768tomorrow! 4769%% 4770If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car 4771payments. 4772 -- Earl Wilson 4773%% 4774If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest 4775shopping center in the world? 4776 -- Richard M. Nixon 4777%% 4778If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest 4779shopping center in the world? 4780 -- Richard Nixon 4781%% 4782If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would 4783be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call 4784you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw 4785another party next year. 4786 4787What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up 4788several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've 4789been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to 4790avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning 4791parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from 4792having another one ... 4793 4794If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless 4795your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas 4796through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure 4797that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting 4798someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... 4799%% 4800If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every 4801word you say, talk in your sleep. 4802%% 4803"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some 4804memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' 4805it, even if they don't know what it means." 4806 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" 4807%% 4808If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for 4809tomorrow morning, sleep late. 4810 -- Henny Youngman 4811%% 4812If you're happy, you're successful. 4813%% 4814If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 4815%% 4816If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. 4817 -- Benjamin Disraeli 4818%% 4819If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it 4820off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the 4821universe? 4822%% 4823If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. 4824 -- Ronald Reagan 4825%% 4826Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux 4827 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, 4828Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex, 4829 Et le m^omerade horgrave. 4830 -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" 4831%% 4832I'll grant the random access to my heart, 4833Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; 4834And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove 4835And in our bound partition never part. 4836 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 4837%% 4838Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the 4839land He's trying to ignore. 4840%% 4841I'm N-ary the tree, I am, 4842N-ary the tree, I am, I am. 4843I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, 4844She's traversed me seven times before. 4845And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) 4846Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) 4847I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. 4848N-ary the tree I am, I am, 4849N-ary the tree I am. 4850%% 4851I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from 4852man. 4853%% 4854I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my 4855sister. 4856%% 4857I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to 4858die in. 4859 -- George McGovern 4860%% 4861I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? 4862 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate 4863%% 4864I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. 4865It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. 4866%% 4867I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday 4868life. 4869%% 4870I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL 4871soon ... 4872%% 4873I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, 4874I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; 4875In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, 4876I am the very model of a modern Major-General. 4877 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" 4878%% 4879Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. 4880 -- Jules de Gaultier 4881%% 4882Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has 4883a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk 4884storage, a screen resolution of 1024 x 1024 pixels, relies entirely on 4885voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. 4886What's the first question that the computer community asks? 4887 4888"Is it PC compatible?" 4889%% 4890Immortality -- a fate worse than death. 4891 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 4892%% 4893Impartial, adj.: 4894 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from 4895espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two 4896conflicting opinions. 4897 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4898%% 4899Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the 4900mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the 4901Boss is reading it. 4902%% 4903In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one 4904of the risks he takes. 4905 -- Adlai Stevenson 4906%% 4907In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last 4908resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but 4909inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 4910 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4911%% 4912In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our 4913programming languages. 4914%% 4915In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come 4916into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish 4917between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which 4918will only make it mushy. 4919 -- Mark Twain 4920%% 4921In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space 4922Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. 4923Our symptotes no longer out of phase, 4924We shall encounter, counting, face to face. 4925 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 4926%% 4927In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only 4928we can't control when the five year period will begin. 4929%% 4930In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own 4931incompetency 4932 -- The Peter Principle 4933%% 4934In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) 4935are to be treated as variables. 4936%% 4937In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools 4938will be temporarily canceled. 4939%% 4940In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and 4941make it better. 4942%% 4943"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable." 4944 -- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery 4945%% 4946In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, 4947intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption 4948from the cares of office. 4949 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4950%% 4951"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian." 4952%% 4953[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You 4954could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense 4955that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... 4956 4957And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory 4958over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we 4959didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no 4960point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; 4961we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave .... 4962 4963So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in 4964Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost 4965___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and 4966rolled back. 4967 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 4968%% 4969In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to 4970drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at 4971discotheques. 4972 -- Art Linkletter 4973%% 4974In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 4975the proper order then why can't he? 4976%% 4977In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful 4978Dead. 4979 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead 4980%% 4981In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. 4982 -- Alan Perlis 4983%% 4984In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or 4985a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it 4986to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by 4987forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you 4988stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit 4989punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong 4990enough to punch you. 4991 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 4992%% 4993Incumbent, n.: 4994 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. 4995 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4996%% 4997Information Center, n.: 4998 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is 4999to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. 5000%% 5001Ingrate, n.: 5002 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of 5003indigestion. 5004%% 5005Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 5006 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 5007%% 5008Ink, n.: 5009 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and 5010water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote 5011intellectual crime. 5012 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5013%% 5014Innovation is hard to schedule. 5015 -- Dan Fylstra 5016%% 5017Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. 5018%% 5019Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the 5020salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. 5021%% 5022Interpreter, n.: 5023 One who enables two persons of different languages to 5024understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to 5025the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. 5026 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5027%% 5028Iron Law of Distribution: 5029 Them that has, gets. 5030%% 5031Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is 5032meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a 5033soap bubble? 5034%% 5035Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the 5036beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get 5037out, and such as are out wish to get in? 5038 -- Ralph Emerson 5039%% 5040Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! 5041%% 5042Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune 5043tellers take economists seriously? 5044%% 5045Issawi's Laws of Progress: 5046 5047 The Course of Progress: 5048 Most things get steadily worse. 5049 5050 The Path of Progress: 5051 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 5052%% 5053It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is 5054thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have 5055drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. 5056 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5057%% 5058It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 5059%% 5060It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to 5061program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in 5062organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be 5063self-critical? 5064 -- Alan Perlis 5065%% 5066It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a 5067pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the 5068sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. 5069 -- Voltaire 5070%% 5071It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark 5072%% 5073It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three 5074benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never 5075to use either. 5076 -- Mark Twain 5077%% 5078It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both 5079incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by 5080twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. 5081 -- R. Serling 5082%% 5083"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is 5084lightly greased." 5085 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 5086%% 5087It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice 5088versa. 5089%% 5090It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 5091%% 5092It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct 5093one. 5094%% 5095It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because 5096if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of 5097people. 5098 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 5099%% 5100It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so 5101ingenious. 5102%% 5103It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not 5104desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. 5105 -- Woody Allen 5106%% 5107It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the 5108problem. 5109%% 5110It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. 5111 -- Gore Vidal 5112%% 5113It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one 5114damn thing over and over. 5115 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 5116%% 5117It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? 5118 -- Elizabeth Carpenter 5119%% 5120It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a 5121pit. 5122%% 5123It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that 5124virginity could be a virtue. 5125 -- Voltaire 5126%% 5127It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the 5128lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as 5129high as the eagle? 5130%% 5131It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a 5132statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more 5133glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through 5134which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the 5135day, that is the highest of arts. 5136 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" 5137%% 5138It is the business of little minds to shrink. 5139 -- Carl Sandburg 5140%% 5141It is the business of the future to be dangerous. 5142 -- Hawkwind 5143%% 5144It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. 5145%% 5146It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a 5147warning to others. 5148%% 5149It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the 5150flag. 5151%% 5152"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, 5153but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous." 5154%% 5155It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. 5156%% 5157"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps 5158I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I 5159don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and 5160the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual 5161charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its 5162novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but 5163yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable 5164man a lifetime." 5165 -- Thomas Aldrich 5166%% 5167It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on 5168the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. 5169%% 5170"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an 5171hour!" 5172 -- Macy's 5173%% 5174It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. 5175 -- Andrew Jackson 5176%% 5177"It's bad luck to be superstitious." 5178 -- Andrew W. Mathis 5179%% 5180"It's easier said than done." 5181 5182... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than 5183said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than 5184said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than 5185done". 5186%% 5187It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 5188%% 5189It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for 5190being right. 5191%% 5192It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it 5193is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It 5194isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. 5195 -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News 5196%% 5197It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong 5198direction. 5199%% 5200"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either." 5201 -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston 5202%% 5203It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. 5204 -- Phil White 5205%% 5206It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. 5207 -- Alexander Korda 5208%% 5209It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it 5210happens. 5211 -- Woody Allen 5212%% 5213It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. 5214%% 5215Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: 5216 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the 5217 legislature is in session. 5218%% 5219Jenkinson's Law: 5220 It won't work. 5221%% 5222Jesus Saves, 5223Moses Invests, 5224But only Buddha pays Dividends. 5225%% 5226Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! 5227%% 5228Johnson's First Law: 5229 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the 5230 most inconvenient possible time. 5231%% 5232Jone's Law: 5233 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone 5234 to blame it on. 5235%% 5236Jone's Motto: 5237 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 5238%% 5239Jones's First Law: 5240 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of 5241 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an 5242 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the 5243 importance of their original contribution. 5244%% 5245Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he 5246knows what it is. 5247%% 5248Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. 5249%% 5250"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't 5251immune to bullets" 5252 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" 5253%% 5254Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to 5255twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! 5256%% 5257Justice is incidental to law and order. 5258 -- J. Edgar Hoover 5259%% 5260Justice, n.: 5261 A decision in your favor. 5262%% 5263Katz' Law: 5264 Man and nations will act rationally when all other 5265 possibilities have been exhausted. 5266%% 5267Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. 5268%% 5269Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. 5270%% 5271Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. 5272%% 5273Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: 5274 1. The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc 5275 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this 5276 force is technically termed "car suck"). 5277 2. Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive 5278 than "Watch this!" 5279%% 5280Keep you Eye on the Ball, 5281Your Shoulder to the Wheel, 5282Your Nose to the Grindstone, 5283Your Feet on the Ground, 5284Your Head on your Shoulders. 5285Now ... try to get something DONE! 5286%% 5287Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most 5288automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the 5289numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the 5290driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the 5291dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know 5292what's wrong." 5293%% 5294Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: 5295 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, 5296 and parking for the faculty. 5297%% 5298Kin, n.: 5299 An affliction of the blood 5300%% 5301Kinkler's First Law: 5302 Responsibility always exceeds authority. 5303 5304Kinkler's Second Law: 5305 All the easy problems have been solved. 5306%% 5307"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack." 5308%% 5309Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. 5310%% 5311Kiss your keyboard goodbye! 5312%% 5313Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. 5314%% 5315Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within. 5316%% 5317Kleptomaniac, n.: 5318 A rich thief. 5319 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5320%% 5321Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. 5322%% 5323Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. 5324 -- Henry N. Camp 5325%% 5326Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): 5327 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. 5328 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 5329%% 5330LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 5331 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. 5332 Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because 5333 you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of 5334 fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got 5335 a sick sense of humor. 5336%% 5337LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) 5338 5339Dear Sir, 5340 5341I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or 5342to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in 5343public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result 5344in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn 5345will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed 5346agricultural industry. 5347 5348Yours faithfully, 5349 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. 5350 Sevenoaks 5351%% 5352LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) 5353 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your 5354 desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and 5355 polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. 5356%% 5357LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. 5358%% 5359Labor, n.: 5360 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. 5361 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5362%% 5363Lackland's Laws: 5364 1. Never be first. 5365 2. Never be last. 5366 3. Never volunteer for anything 5367%% 5368Lactomangulation, n.: 5369 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly 5370that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. 5371 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 5372%% 5373Laetrile is the pits 5374%% 5375Langsam's Laws: 5376 1) Everything depends. 5377 2) Nothing is always. 5378 3) Everything is sometimes. 5379%% 5380Larkinson's Law: 5381 All laws are basically false. 5382%% 5383Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. 5384%% 5385"Laughter is the closest distance between two people." 5386 -- Victor Borge 5387%% 5388Law of Communications: 5389 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications 5390 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased 5391 area of misunderstanding. 5392%% 5393Law of Probable Dispersal: 5394 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly 5395 distributed. 5396%% 5397Law of Selective Gravity: 5398 An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 5399 5400Jenning's Corollary: 5401 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is 5402 directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 5403%% 5404Law of the Perversity of Nature: 5405 You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the 5406 bread to butter. 5407%% 5408Laws of Serendipity: 5409 5410 1. In order to discover anything, you must be looking for 5411 something. 5412 2. If you wish to make an improved product, you must already 5413 be engaged in making an inferior one. 5414%% 5415Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: 5416 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- 5417 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 5418%% 5419Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 5420%% 5421Leibowitz's Rule: 5422 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you 5423 hold the hammer with both hands. 5424%% 5425Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. 5426%% 5427Let us live!!! 5428Let us love!!! 5429Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! 5430 5431You first. 5432%% 5433Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often 5434overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: 5435For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return 5436around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours 5437poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you 5438can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it 5439to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his 5440money. 5441 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 5442%% 5443Lewis's Law of Travel: 5444 The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to 5445 anyone, ever. 5446%% 5447Liar, n.: 5448 A lawyer with a roving commission. 5449 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5450%% 5451Lie, n.: 5452 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one 5453discovered to date. 5454%% 5455Lieberman's Law: 5456 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 5457%% 5458Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. 5459%% 5460Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. 5461%% 5462Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find 5463there is nothing in it. 5464%% 5465"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of 5466which I disapprove." 5467%% 5468Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made 5469sense from things she found in gift shops. 5470 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 5471%% 5472Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking 5473for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. 5474 -- Alan McKay 5475%% 5476Limericks are art forms complex, 5477Their topics run chiefly to sex. 5478 They usually have virgins, 5479 And masculine urgin's, 5480And other erotic effects. 5481%% 5482Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. 5483%% 5484Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe 5485 we should think only about today. 5486Charlie Brown: 5487 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get 5488 better. 5489%% 5490Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip 5491around the Sun. 5492%% 5493Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted 5494before. 5495%% 5496Lizzie Borden took an axe, 5497And plunged it deep into the VAX; 5498Don't you envy people who 5499Do all the things ___YOU want to do? 5500%% 5501Lockwood's Long Shot: 5502 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't 5503 one in a million, but once would be enough. 5504%% 5505Look out! Behind you! 5506%% 5507Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!" 5508%% 5509Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the 5510world has ever seen. 5511%% 5512Love is a word that is constantly heard, 5513Hate is a word that is not. 5514Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. 5515Love, I have read, is hot. 5516But hate is the verb that to me is superb, 5517And Love but a drug on the mart. 5518Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, 5519But Hating, my boy, is an Art. 5520 -- Ogden Nash 5521%% 5522Love is sentimental measles. 5523%% 5524Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 5525 -- H. L. Mencken 5526%% 5527Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up 5528to. 5529%% 5530Lowery's Law: 5531 If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing 5532 anyway. 5533%% 5534Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: 5535 There's always one more bug. 5536%% 5537Lunatic Asylum, n.: 5538 The place where optimism most flourishes. 5539%% 5540Lysistrata had a good idea. 5541%% 5542MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) 5543 5544 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 55452 cups water 2 cups sugar 55462 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 5547 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine 5548 Cinnamon 5549 5550Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break 5551RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar 5552and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon 5553juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously 5554with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top 5555crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let 5556steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust 5557is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. 5558 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box 5559%% 5560"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into 5561the smallest amount of thoughts." 5562 -- Winston Churchill 5563%% 5564Mad, adj.: 5565 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ... 5566 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5567%% 5568Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them 5569first for seven hours, they always come out tender. 5570 -- W. C. Fields 5571%% 5572Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism 5573 5574Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. 5575 5576The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works 5577of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject 5578with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human 5579knowledge. 5580 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5581%% 5582Magnocartic, adj.: 5583 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping 5584carts. 5585 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 5586%% 5587Magpie, n.: 5588 A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it 5589might be taught to talk. 5590 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5591%% 5592Maier's Law: 5593 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be 5594 disposed of. 5595 5596Corollaries: 5597 1. The bigger the theory, the better. 5598 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 5599 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to 5600 obtain a correspondence with the theory. 5601%% 5602Main's Law: 5603 For every action there is an equal and opposite government 5604 program. 5605%% 5606Maintainer's Motto: 5607 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. 5608%% 5609Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly 5610 as one man. 5611 5612Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 5613 5614Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 5615 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5616%% 5617Majority, n.: 5618 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. 5619%% 5620Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users 5621tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It 5622has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is 5623the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. 5624 -- System V.2 administrator's guide 5625%% 5626Malek's Law: 5627 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. 5628%% 5629"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." 5630 -- Lily Tomlin 5631%% 5632Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called 5633upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 5634 -- Oscar Wilde 5635%% 5636Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the 5637only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. 5638 -- Wernher von Braun 5639%% 5640Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. 5641 -- Mark Twain 5642%% 5643Man, n.: 5644 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks 5645he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief 5646occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, 5647which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest 5648the whole habitable earth and Canada. 5649 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5650%% 5651Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- 5652unless it is an enemy. 5653 -- A. Einstein 5654%% 5655Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, 5656dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive 5657man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the 5658air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first 5659primitive umpire. 5660 5661What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as 5662mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. 5663 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 5664%% 5665Manual, n.: 5666 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a 5667given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The 5668information you need in in the others. 5669 -- Ray Simard 5670%% 5671Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, 5672there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he 5673was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how 5674completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... 5675 -- Walt Kelly 5676%% 5677Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: 5678 Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a 5679 simple yes or no answer. 5680%% 5681Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. 5682 -- Voltaire 5683%% 5684"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence." 5685%% 5686Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a 5687receipt. 5688%% 5689Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. 5690 -- Jules Feiffer 5691%% 5692May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! 5693%% 5694May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts 5695%% 5696May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. 5697%% 5698May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a 5699Thousand Caramels. 5700%% 5701Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. 5702 -- R. S. Barton 5703%% 5704Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge 5705it. 5706%% 5707Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city 5708nativity scene removed: 5709 "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men 5710 and a virgin in the whole organization." 5711%% 5712McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: 5713 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not 5714 $19.95. 5715%% 5716Meader's Law: 5717 Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to 5718 everyone you know, only more so. 5719%% 5720Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 5721%% 5722Meeting, n.: 5723 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or 5724department not represented in the room must solve a problem. 5725%% 5726Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures 5727from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha 5728Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man 5729had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. 5730 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams 5731%% 5732Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: 5733 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. 5734%% 5735Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: 5736 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the 5737 cork makes when it is popped. 5738%% 5739Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: 5740 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. 5741%% 5742Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: 5743 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that 5744 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city 5745 can never hope to acquire it. 5746%% 5747Menu, n.: 5748 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. 5749%% 5750Meskimen's Law: 5751 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to 5752 do it over. 5753%% 5754Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it. 5755%% 5756Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. 5757%% 5758Micro Credo: 5759 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. 5760%% 5761"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you 5762out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles." 5763%% 5764Miksch's Law: 5765 If a string has one end, then it has another end. 5766%% 5767Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. 5768 -- Groucho Marx 5769%% 5770Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. 5771 -- Groucho Marx 5772%% 5773Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with 5774themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 5775 -- Susan Ertz 5776%% 5777Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that 5778politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum 5779and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they 5780are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to 5781rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all 5782the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert 5783Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert 5784Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when 5785Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the 5786black. 5787 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" 5788%% 5789Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there 5790is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, 5791myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in 5792the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my 5793unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You 5794will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as 5795dead as a door-nail. 5796%% 5797Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. 5798%% 5799Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. 5800%% 5801Misfortune, n.: 5802 The kind of fortune that never misses. 5803 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5804%% 5805Miss, n.: 5806 A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that 5807they are in the market. 5808 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5809%% 5810Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. 5811%% 5812Mitchell's Law of Committees: 5813 Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are 5814 held to discuss it. 5815%% 5816Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. 5817%% 5818Molecule, n.: 5819 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished 5820from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a 5821closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of 5822matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the 5823atom in that it is an ion ... 5824 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5825%% 5826Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: 5827 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented 5828 it wasn't worth doing. 5829%% 5830Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. 5831%% 5832Monday, n.: 5833 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. 5834 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5835%% 5836Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots 5837%% 5838Mophobia, n.: 5839 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 5840%% 5841More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One 5842path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total 5843extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. 5844 -- Woody Allen 5845%% 5846Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: 5847 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd 5848 be out of a job. 5849%% 5850Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. 5851 -- Frank Zappa 5852%% 5853Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. 5854%% 5855Mr. Cole's Axiom: 5856 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the 5857 population is growing. 5858%% 5859Murphy's Discovery: 5860 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to 5861 women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and 5862 everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months 5863 later, you're in trouble! 5864%% 5865Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't 5866work. 5867%% 5868Murphy's Law of Research: 5869 Enough research will tend to support your theory. 5870%% 5871Mustgo, n.: 5872 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so 5873long it has become a science project. 5874 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 5875%% 5876My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand 5877times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and 5878sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right 5879through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever 5880listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just 5881log out again. 5882%% 5883My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, 5884 And a wild young wood-thing bore him! 5885The ways are fair to his roaming feet, 5886 And the skies are sunlit for him. 5887As sharply sweet to my heart he seems 5888 As the fragrance of acacia. 5889My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- 5890 And I wish he were in Asia. 5891 -- Dorothy Parker 5892%% 5893My love runs by like a day in June, 5894 And he makes no friends of sorrows. 5895He'll tread his galloping rigadoon 5896 In the pathway or the morrows. 5897He'll live his days where the sunbeams start 5898 Nor could storm or wind uproot him. 5899My own dear love, he is all my heart -- 5900 And I wish somebody'd shoot him. 5901 -- Dorothy Parker 5902%% 5903My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 5904%% 5905My own dear love, he is strong and bold 5906 And he cares not what comes after. 5907His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, 5908 And his eyes are lit with laughter. 5909He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- 5910 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. 5911My own dear love, he is all my world -- 5912 And I wish I'd never met him. 5913 -- Dorothy Parker 5914%% 5915"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies" 5916%% 5917Mythology, n.: 5918 The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its 5919origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished 5920from the true accounts which it invents later. 5921 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5922%% 5923NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he 5924 says is wrong. 5925GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says 5926 will be right. 5927 -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" 5928%% 5929NEWS FLASH!! 5930 Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West 5931 German pole-vault champion. 5932%% 5933NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION 5934%% 5935Naeser's Law: 5936 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it 5937 damnfoolproof. 5938%% 5939Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, 5940God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. 5941 5942It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! 5943Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. 5944%% 5945Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's 5946character, give him power. 5947 -- Abraham Lincoln 5948%% 5949Necessity is a mother. 5950%% 5951Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. 5952%% 5953Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. 5954%% 5955Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. 5956%% 5957Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off 5958%% 5959Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled 5960with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to 5961change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually 5962fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators 5963have windows. 5964%% 5965Never eat more than you can lift. 5966 -- Miss Piggy 5967%% 5968Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 5969%% 5970Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. 5971 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" 5972%% 5973Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to 5974make it complex and wonderful. 5975%% 5976Never offend people with style when you can offend them with 5977substance. 5978 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 5979%% 5980Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. 5981%% 5982Never try to outstubborn a cat. 5983 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 5984%% 5985Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's 5986supposed to do. 5987 -- R. A. Heinlein 5988%% 5989New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and 5990his wife most often reminds him to act it. 5991 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 5992%% 5993New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. 5994%% 5995New York's got the ways and means; 5996Just won't let you be. 5997 -- The Grateful Dead 5998%% 5999New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. 6000%% 6001New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of 6002Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. 6003%% 6004New systems generate new problems. 6005%% 6006Newlan's Truism: 6007 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government 6008 economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. 6009%% 6010Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. 6011%% 6012Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: 6013 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. 6014%% 6015Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't 6016have a lucky day this year. 6017%% 6018Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying 6019as an income tax refund. 6020 -- F. J. Raymond 6021%% 6022Nihilism should commence with oneself. 6023%% 6024Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name 6025correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into 6026(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but 6027Americans call him by value. 6028%% 6029Nine megs for the secretaries fair, 6030Seven megs for the hackers scarce, 6031Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, 6032Three megs for system source; 6033 6034One disk to rule them all, 6035One disk to bind them, 6036One disk to hold the files 6037And in the darkness grind 'em. 6038%% 6039Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: 6040 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of 6041 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety 6042 percent. 6043%% 6044No good deed goes unpunished. 6045 -- Clare Boothe Luce 6046%% 6047No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. 6048%% 6049No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 6050 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 6051%% 6052No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 6053%% 6054No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. 6055%% 6056Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with 6057constructive praise. 6058%% 6059Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: 6060 Negative expectations yield negative results. 6061 Positive expectations yield negative results. 6062%% 6063Noncombatant, n.: 6064 A dead Quaker. 6065 -- Ambrose Bierce 6066%% 6067"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong." 6068%% 6069Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 6070%% 6071Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the 6072Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats 6073in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the 6074moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, 6075a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every 6076respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside 6077it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, 6078then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they 6079chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... 6080 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 6081%% 6082"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper 6083is from the wrong kind of tree." 6084 --Profesoor W. 6085%% 6086Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter 6087of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund 6088is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- 6089unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is 6090careful not to make any poultry jokes ... 6091 -- Woody Allen 6092%% 6093Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. 6094%% 6095Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. 6096%% 6097Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... 6098 6099To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before 6100the light comes on. 6101%% 6102Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. 6103 -- Andrew Young 6104%% 6105Nothing recedes like success. 6106 -- Walter Winchell 6107%% 6108Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited 6109love. 6110 -- Charlie Brown 6111%% 6112November, n.: 6113 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 6114 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 6115%% 6116Now I lay me down to sleep 6117I pray the double lock will keep; 6118May no brick through the window break, 6119And, no one rob me till I awake. 6120%% 6121Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature. 6122%% 6123Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. 6124%% 6125"Now is the time for all good men to come to." 6126 -- Walt Kelly 6127%% 6128Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next 6129time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV 6130to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for 6131eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself 6132the following questions: 6133 61341: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts 6135 a food? 61362: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich 6137 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 61383: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as 6139 prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with 6140 double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living 6141 right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like 6142 longer.) 6143 6144That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. 6145%% 6146"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called 6147Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that 6148were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..." 6149 -- "The Begatting of a President" 6150%% 6151[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. 6152 -- Edwin Meese III 6153%% 6154Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. 6155%% 6156Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're 6157guessing. 6158%% 6159O give me a home, 6160Where the buffalo roam, 6161Where the deer and the antelope play, 6162Where seldom is heard 6163A discouraging word, 6164'Cause what can an antelope say? 6165%% 6166O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: 6167 Murphy was an optimist. 6168%% 6169O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: 6170 "Murphy was an optimist." 6171%% 6172Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. 6173 -- Plato 6174%% 6175"Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a 6176fake?" 6177%% 6178Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. 6179%% 6180Office Automation, n.: 6181 The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone 6182you would want to talk with over coffee. 6183%% 6184Ogden's Law: 6185 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch 6186 up. 6187%% 6188Oh don't the days seem lank and long 6189 When all goes right and none goes wrong, 6190And isn't your life extremely flat 6191 With nothing whatever to grumble at! 6192%% 6193Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. 6194%% 6195Oh, when I was in love with you, 6196 Then I was clean and brave, 6197And miles around the wonder grew 6198 How well did I behave. 6199 6200And now the fancy passes by, 6201 And nothing will remain, 6202And miles around they'll say that I 6203 Am quite myself again. 6204 -- A. E. Housman 6205%% 6206Oh, wow! Look at the moon! 6207%% 6208Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. 6209 -- Trotsky 6210%% 6211Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. 6212%% 6213Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. 6214%% 6215Oliver's Law: 6216 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need 6217 it. 6218%% 6219On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are 6220created jerks. 6221 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 6222%% 6223On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: 6224 6225"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." 6226 -- Wolfgang Pauli 6227%% 6228Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were 6229forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. 6230 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" 6231%% 6232Once Law was sitting on the bench 6233 And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 6234"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! 6235 Nor come before me creeping. 6236Upon you knees if you appear, 6237'Tis plain you have no standing here." 6238 6239Then Justice came. His Honor cried: 6240 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" 6241"Amica curiae," she replied -- 6242 "Friend of the court, so please you." 6243"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- 6244I never saw your face before!" 6245 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 6246%% 6247Once, adv.: 6248 Enough. 6249 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 6250%% 6251Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that 6252each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his 6253choice. 6254 6255In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians 6256called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" 6257and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People 6258passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy 6259Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" 6260 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 6261%% 6262Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human 6263beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by 6264side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them 6265which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the 6266sky. 6267 -- Rainer Rilke 6268%% 6269Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of 6270us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of 6271the smaller prime numbers. 6272 62732: The Odd Prime -- 6274 It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED. 62753: The True Prime -- 6276 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true." 627731: The Arbitrary Prime -- 6278 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime 6279 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 6280 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the 6281 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none 6282 at all. 6283 6284Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are 6285derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but 6286true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. 6287%% 6288One Page Principle: 6289 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch 6290 paper cannot be understood. 6291 -- Mark Ardis 6292%% 6293One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. 6294%% 6295One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet 6296when well oiled. 6297%% 6298One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they 6299never have to stop and answer the phone. 6300%% 6301One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 6302%% 6303One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible 6304from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at 6305least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts 6306are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but 6307when He's good, nobody can touch Him. 6308 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 6309%% 6310One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God 6311create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy 6312retail." 6313 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 6314%% 6315One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your 6316seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best 6317way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who 6318fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become 6319disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. 6320%% 6321"One planet is all you get." 6322%% 6323One seldom sees a monument to a committee. 6324%% 6325One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh 6326paint. 6327%% 6328One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. 6329%% 6330On-line, adj.: 6331 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a 6332computer. 6333%% 6334Only God can make random selections. 6335%% 6336Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. 6337%% 6338Optimization hinders evolution. 6339%% 6340Oregon, n.: 6341 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday 6342night. 6343%% 6344Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. 6345Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. 6346 -- Mike Adams 6347%% 6348Osborn's Law: 6349 Variables won't; constants aren't. 6350%% 6351Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your 6352nails. 6353%% 6354Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. 6355 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, 6356 in kernel as it is in user! 6357%% 6358Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is 6359they charge fifteen cents for them. 6360%% 6361Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. 6362 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries 6363%% 6364Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! 6365%% 6366Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. 6367%% 6368Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. 6369%% 6370Ozman's Laws: 6371 1. If someone says he will do something "without fail," he 6372 won't. 6373 2. The more people talk on the phone, the less money they 6374 make. 6375 3. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 6376 4. Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. 6377%% 6378PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) 6379 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the 6380 American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, 6381 as nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. 6382 You will probably get run over by a bus. 6383%% 6384PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the 6385solution set. 6386 -- E. W. Dijkstra 6387%% 6388PLUNDERER'S THEME 6389(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) 6390 6391Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 6392If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. 6393Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. 6394Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 6395%% 6396Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. 6397%% 6398Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to 6399criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. 6400 -- D. J. Hicks 6401%% 6402Pardo's First Postulate: 6403 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. 6404 6405Arnold's Addendum: 6406 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in 6407 rats. 6408%% 6409Parker's Law: 6410 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. 6411%% 6412Parkinson's Fifth Law: 6413 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good 6414 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 6415%% 6416Parkinson's Fourth Law: 6417 The number of people in any working group tends to increase 6418 regardless of the amount of work to be done. 6419%% 6420Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. 6421%% 6422Pascal Users: 6423 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the 6424 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half 6425 speed. 6426%% 6427"Pascal is not a high-level language." 6428 -- Steven Feiner 6429%% 6430Pascal, n.: 6431 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in 6432his grave if he knew about it. 6433%% 6434Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. 6435 -- Eric Hoffer 6436%% 6437Paul Revere was a tattle-tale 6438%% 6439Paul's Law: 6440 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you 6441 save. 6442%% 6443Paul's Law: 6444 You can't fall off the floor. 6445%% 6446Peace, n.: 6447 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two 6448periods of fighting. 6449 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 6450%% 6451Peanut Blossoms 6452 64534 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 64544 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 64554 cups shortening 14 cups flour 64568 eggs 4 tsp. soda 64574 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt 6458 6459Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie 6460sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a 6461Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a 6462hell of a lot. 6463%% 6464Pecor's Health-Food Principle: 6465 Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in 6466 it. 6467%% 6468People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of 6469the future. 6470%% 6471People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. 6472%% 6473People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never 6474slept in a room with a single mosquito. 6475%% 6476People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who 6477haven't what they want that they don't want it. 6478 -- Ogden Nash 6479%% 6480People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that 6481Benjamin Franklin said it first. 6482%% 6483People will buy anything that's one to a customer. 6484%% 6485Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. 6486"Confound those who have said our remarks before us." 6487 -- Aelius Donatus 6488%% 6489Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. 6490%% 6491Peter's Law of Substitution: 6492 Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after 6493 themselves. 6494%% 6495Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to 6496exciting Camden, New Jersy. 6497%% 6498Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. 6499%% 6500Pig, n.: 6501 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race 6502by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is 6503inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. 6504 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 6505%% 6506Please ignore previous fortune. 6507%% 6508Please take note: 6509%% 6510Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any bazingas' 6511until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.' Once punched 6512out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, 6513and such. 6514 -- N. Meyrowitz 6515%% 6516Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? 6517%% 6518Pohl's law: 6519 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. 6520%% 6521Police: Good evening, are you the host? 6522Host: No. 6523Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. 6524Host: About the drugs? 6525Police: No. 6526Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? 6527Police: No, the noise. 6528Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns 6529 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the 6530 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? 6531 The neighbors? 6532Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent 6533 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could 6534 ask the host to quiet things down? 6535Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive 6536 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living 6537 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the 6538 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out 6539 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind 6540 down. 6541%% 6542Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell 6543all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. 6544%% 6545Politician, n.: 6546 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or 6547"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence 6548"polytetien", a person of two or more faces. 6549 -- Martin Pitt 6550%% 6551Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough 6552to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. 6553%% 6554Polymer physicists are into chains. 6555%% 6556Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the 6557Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The 6558white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before 6559it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his 6560name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with 6561laughter, singing 6562 Half a pound of tuppenny rice 6563 Half a pound of treacle 6564 That's the way the chimney smokes 6565 Pope Goestheveezl 6566The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of 6567laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for 6568hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron 6569Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653. 6570 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 6571%% 6572Positive, adj.: 6573 Mistaken at the top of one's voice. 6574 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 6575%% 6576Power, n: 6577 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. 6578%% 6579Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little 6580more time for dreaming. 6581 -- J. P. McEvoy 6582%% 6583Predestination was doomed from the start. 6584%% 6585President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and 6586forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. 6587%% 6588President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the 6589vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. 6590 -- The Washington Post 6591%% 6592Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! 6593%% 6594Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: 6595 It's on the other side. 6596%% 6597[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves 6598to see him work. 6599 -- Winston Churchill 6600%% 6601Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. 6602%% 6603Probable-Possible, my black hen, 6604She lays eggs in the Relative When. 6605She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now 6606Because she's unable to postulate how. 6607 -- Frederick Winsor 6608%% 6609Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. 6610Eng. 130 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point 6611on his exam. Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's 6612earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30% 6613%% 6614Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. 6615 6616This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction 6617techniques are very popular, even the military used them. 6618 6619SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. 6620 6621 We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true 6622for every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n 6623as large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is 6624trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We 6625can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just 6626about _n. 6627 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") 6628%% 6629Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. 6630 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. 6631(1) Horses have an even number of legs. 6632(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. 6633(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of 6634 legs for a horse. 6635(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 6636(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. 6637 6638Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by: 6639 Intimidation 6640 Gesticulation (handwaving) 6641 "Try it; it works" 6642 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) 6643 Blatant assertion 6644 Changing all the 2's to _n's 6645 Mutual consent 6646 Lack of a counterexample, and 6647 "It stands to reason" 6648%% 6649Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check 6650three friends. If they're ok, you're it. 6651%% 6652Put your Nose to the Grindstone! 6653 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. 6654%% 6655Putt's Law: 6656 Technology is dominated by two types of people: 6657 Those who understand what they do not manage. 6658 Those who manage what they do not understand. 6659%% 6660Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? 6661A: One per person. 6662%% 6663Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? 6664A: To stamp out forest fires. 6665 6666Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? 6667A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 6668%% 6669Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? 6670A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. 6671%% 6672Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ? 6673A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 6674%% 6675Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? 6676A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 6677 6678Q: How long does it take? 6679A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've 6680 brought with them. 6681 6682Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? 6683A: They replace your generator. 6684%% 6685Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? 6686A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. 6687%% 6688Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift? 6689A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. 6690%% 6691Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? 6692A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, 6693 Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of 6694 the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% 6695 of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences 6696 of non-blank characters separated by blanks". 6697%% 6698Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 6699A: One and a half. 6700%% 6701Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 6702A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those 6703 Californians trying to share the experience. 6704%% 6705Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 6706A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself 6707 symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a 6708 netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin 6709 cosmos of nothingness. 6710%% 6711Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 6712A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring 6713 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government 6714 plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer 6715 prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin 6716 to break the bulb in the first place. 6717% 6718Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in 6719 San Francisco? 6720A: Both of them. 6721%% 6722Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 6723A: Two. One to hold the girrafe and the other to fill the bathtub with 6724 brightly colored machine tools. 6725%% 6726Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? 6727A: Because it was on the other side. 6728%% 6729QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 6730 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 6731kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [Colloq.] one 6732thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [Anat.] a 6733painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [Slang] 6734person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. 6735 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. 6736%% 6737Quality Control, n.: 6738 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off 6739a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. 6740%% 6741Question: 6742Man Invented Alcohol, 6743God Invented Grass. 6744Who do you trust? 6745%% 6746Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! 6747%% 6748"Qvid me anxivs svm?" 6749%% 6750ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. 6751MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- 6752 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. 6753%% 6754RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 6755 1. Never eat on an empty stomach. 6756 2. Never leave the table hungry. 6757 3. When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 6758 4. Enjoy your food. 6759 5. Enjoy your companion's food. 6760 6. Really taste your food. It may take several portions to 6761 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 6762 7. Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, for 6763 example, the texture of a turnip to that of a brownie. 6764 Which feels better against your cheeks? 6765 8. Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 6766 9. Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You 6767 can always eat it later. 6768 10. Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 6769 11. Avoid blue food. 6770 -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet" 6771%% 6772Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. 6773%% 6774Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something 6775I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of 6776computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport 6777store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told 6778all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all 6779the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are 6780they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current 6781rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on 6782Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be 6783impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying 6784goes, giving away the store? 6785 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President 6786%% 6787Ray's Rule of Precision: 6788 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 6789%% 6790Razors pain you; 6791Rivers are damp; 6792Acids stain you; 6793And drugs cause cramp. 6794Guns aren't lawful; 6795Nooses give; 6796Gas smells awful; 6797You might as well live. 6798 -- Dorothy Parker 6799%% 6800Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe 6801the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described 6802with pictures. 6803%% 6804Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires 6805you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers 6806wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly 6807spring up in the middle of the machine room. 6808%% 6809Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who 6810can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. 6811%% 6812Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. 6813%% 6814Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use 6815functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? 6816%% 6817Real Time, adj.: 6818 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there 6819and then. 6820%% 6821Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs. 6822%% 6823Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. 6824%% 6825Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. 6826%% 6827"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!" 6828%% 6829Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than 6830being flat broke and having a stomach ache. 6831 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 6832%% 6833Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you 6834lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, 6835but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and 6836Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 6837recessions. 6838%% 6839Reclaimer, spare that tree! 6840Take not a single bit! 6841It used to point to me, 6842Now I'm protecting it. 6843It was the reader's CONS 6844That made it, paired by dot; 6845Now, GC, for the nonce, 6846Thou shalt reclaim it not. 6847%% 6848"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe 6849again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know 6850which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A 6851spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the 6852starfield surrounding the ship. 6853 6854"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC 6855announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they 6856are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been 6857intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and 6858transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. 6859Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." 6860 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" 6861%% 6862Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: 6863 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. 6864%% 6865Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. 6866%% 6867Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. 6868%% 6869Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be 6870worse in Cleveland. 6871 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" 6872%% 6873Reporter, n.: 6874 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a 6875tempest of words. 6876 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 6877%% 6878Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of 6879 Western Civilization? 6880Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. 6881%% 6882Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. 6883 -- Wernher von Braun 6884%% 6885Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get 6886another chance later on. 6887%% 6888Review Questions 6889 68901: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 6891 KPH, and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it 6892 be before he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be 6893 before the Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his 6894 spaceship? 6895 68962: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he 6897 breaks twice as many bones as before, how long will it be 6898 before he breaks every bone in his body? How long will it be 6899 before they cut off his insurance? Where does he get a new car 6900 every week? 6901 69023: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four 6903 beers the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the 6904 cans in a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger 6905 than King Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? 6906%% 6907Rhode's Law: 6908 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, 6909 circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, 6910 empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, 6911 inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically 6912 guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience, 6913 expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal 6914 comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the above, 6915 be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and 6916 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, 6917 immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes 6918 advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. 6919%% 6920Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention 6921 Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will 6922 reject the proposal. 6923%% 6924Rudin's Law: 6925 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will 6926 do it every time. 6927%% 6928Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: 6929 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall 6930 be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind 6931 person shall be deemed to be a cat. 6932%% 6933Rule of Creative Research: 6934 1) Never draw what you can copy. 6935 2) Never copy what you can trace. 6936 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 6937%% 6938Rule of Defactualization: 6939 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. 6940%% 6941Rule of Feline Frustration: 6942 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly 6943 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the 6944 bathroom. 6945%% 6946Rule of the Great: 6947 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep 6948 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. 6949%% 6950Rules for driving in New York: 6951 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 6952 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers 6953 on. 6954 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the 6955 intersection. 6956%% 6957SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! 6958 -- Ken Thompson 6959%% 6960SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! 6961POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! 6962%% 6963SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts. 6964%% 6965Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 6966 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. 6967 6968 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like 6969 worms, bugs, ants. 6970 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships. 6971 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 6972 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter. 6973 5. Exotic birds flock around you. 6974 6. People ignore you at parties. 6975 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 6976 8. You no longer get off on cocaine. 6977%% 6978San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. 6979 -- Herb Caen 6980%% 6981San Francisco, n.: 6982 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. 6983%% 6984Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, 6985 He must be a communist. 6986And a beard and long hair, 6987 Must be a pacifist. 6988 6989 What's in that pipe that he's smoking? 6990 -- Arlo Guthrie 6991%% 6992Satellite Safety Tip #14: 6993 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. 6994%% 6995Sattinger's Law: 6996 It works better if you plug it in. 6997%% 6998Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, 6999 Is like being nowhere at all, 7000All through the day how the hours rush by, 7001 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. 7002 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" 7003%% 7004Save energy: be apathetic. 7005%% 7006Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 7007%% 7008Schapiro's Explanation: 7009 The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's 7010 because they use more manure. 7011%% 7012Schizophrenia beats being alone. 7013%% 7014Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. 7015%% 7016Scott's first Law: 7017 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. 7018%% 7019Scott's second Law: 7020 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found 7021 to have been wrong in the first place. 7022Corollary: 7023 After the correction has been found in error, it will be 7024 impossible to fit the original quantity back into the 7025 equation. 7026%% 7027Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! 7028Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? 7029Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. 7030Kirk: Then it's of external origin? 7031Spock: Affirmative. 7032Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. 7033Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. 7034%% 7035Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. 7036%% 7037Second Law of Business Meetings: 7038 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you 7039 will pick the wrong one. 7040 7041Corollary: 7042 If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it 7043 wrong, anyway. 7044%% 7045Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! 7046%% 7047Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. 7048She scissored short. Sorely shorn, 7049Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, 7050Silently scheming, 7051Sightlessly seeking 7052Some savage, spectacular suicide. 7053 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 7054%% 7055Self Test for Paranoia: 7056 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's 7057 your own fault. 7058%% 7059Seminars, n.: 7060 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. 7061%% 7062Serocki's Stricture: 7063 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. 7064%% 7065Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 7066%% 7067Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 7068 -- Swami X 7069%% 7070Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. 7071 -- M. C. Reed. 7072%% 7073Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, 7074it's one of the best. 7075 -- Woody Allen 7076%% 7077Shamus, n.: 7078 A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the 7079temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. 7080 A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog 7081functionaries, and there's a joke about that: 7082 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the 7083middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be 7084bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 7085 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I 7086am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks 7087he's nobody!" 7088 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 7089%% 7090Shaw's Principle: 7091 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will 7092 want to use it. 7093%% 7094"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to." 7095 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 7096%% 7097She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. 7098 -- Mark Twain 7099%% 7100She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could 7101have poured on a waffle ... 7102%% 7103"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have 7104taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an 7105excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature." 7106 -- Samuel Johnson 7107%% 7108She's genuinely bogus. 7109%% 7110Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is 7111playing golf with his boss. 7112%% 7113Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. 7114%% 7115Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. 7116 -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet 7117%% 7118Silverman's Law: 7119 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 7120%% 7121Simon's Law: 7122 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. 7123%% 7124Since I hurt my pendulum 7125My life is all erratic. 7126My parrot, who was cordial, 7127Is now transmitting static. 7128The carpet died, a palm collapsed, 7129The cat keeps doing poo. 7130The only thing that keeps me sane 7131Is talking to my shoe. 7132 -- My Shoe 7133%% 7134Since we're all here, we must not be all there. 7135 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck 7136%% 7137[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the 7138vices I admire. 7139 -- Winston Churchill 7140%% 7141Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate 7142Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically 7143excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. 7144This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally 7145examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published 7146Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be 7147printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry 7148comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had 7149no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. 7150%% 7151Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): 7152 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, 7153 or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you 7154 should have gotten. 7155%% 7156Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes 7157to work. 7158%% 7159Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 7160 1. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad 7161 check. 7162 2. A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 7163 3. There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is 7164 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is 7165 attracted to dark objects. 7166%% 7167Slurm, n.: 7168 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when 7169it sits in the dish too long. 7170 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 7171%% 7172Snacktrek, n.: 7173 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly 7174returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have 7175materialized. 7176 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 7177%% 7178So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in 7179praise of intelligence. 7180 -- Bertrand Russell 7181%% 7182"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple 7183pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops 7184its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very 7185imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, 7186and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, 7187and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the 7188gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots." 7189 -- Samuel Foote 7190%% 7191Sodd's Second Law: 7192 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is 7193 bound to occur. 7194%% 7195Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to 7196celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around 7197stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on 7198"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind 7199of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The 7200government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level 7201Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and 7202billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which 7203it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming 7204thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with 7205the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money 7206and go to a mall. 7207 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 7208%% 7209Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some 7210people have mediocrity thrust upon them. 7211 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 7212%% 7213Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit 7214them on the head. 7215%% 7216Some points to remember [about animals]: 7217 72181. Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, 7219 rhinoceri, hippopotamuses; 72202. Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the 7221 front of your clothes; 72223. Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or 7223 dogs you have just kicked. 7224 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 7225%% 7226Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the 7227pens will multiply instead of disappear. 7228%% 7229Someone will try to honk your nose today. 7230%% 7231"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm 7232the only ashtray." 7233%% 7234Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. 7235 -- Lily Tomlin 7236%% 7237"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the 7238Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then 7239intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men 7240and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our 7241best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are 7242we not God's Machineries of Joy?" 7243 7244"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." 7245 -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" 7246%% 7247Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already 7248paid may disregard this fortune). 7249%% 7250Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- 7251bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the 7252road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. 7253 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 7254%% 7255Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: 7256 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as 7257 if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the 7258 question back at him. 7259%% 7260Speak roughly to your little VAX, 7261 And boot it when it crashes; 7262It knows that one cannot relax 7263 Because the paging thrashes! 7264 7265 Wow! Wow! Wow! 7266 7267I speak severely to my VAX, 7268 And boot it when it crashes; 7269In spite of all my favorite hacks 7270 My jobs it always thrashes! 7271 7272 Wow! Wow! Wow! 7273%% 7274Speak roughly to your little boy, 7275 And beat him when he sneezes: 7276He only does it to annoy 7277 Because he knows it teases. 7278 7279 Wow! wow! wow! 7280 7281I speak severely to my boy, 7282 And beat him when he sneezes: 7283For he can thoroughly enjoy 7284 The pepper when he pleases! 7285 7286 Wow! wow! wow! 7287 -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" 7288%% 7289Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. 7290%% 7291Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am 7292sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, 7293cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free 7294the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a 7295bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a 7296controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before 7297passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same 7298memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, 7299no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously 7300designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? 7301%% 7302Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently 7303these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people 7304to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't 7305communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so 7306on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real 7307life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't 7308communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least 7309he can do is to Shut Up! 7310 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" 7311%% 7312Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. 7313%% 7314Spirtle, n.: 7315 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in 7316your eye. 7317 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 7318%% 7319Spouse, n.: 7320 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you 7321wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. 7322%% 7323Stay away from flying saucers today. 7324%% 7325Stay away from hurricanes for a while. 7326%% 7327"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly." 7328%% 7329Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: 7330 Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have 7331 another drink. 7332%% 7333Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming 7334 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to 7335 handle. 7336%% 7337Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 7338%% 7339Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only 7340take a bath ... 7341%% 7342Stult's Report: 7343 Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is 7344 fight the solutions. 7345%% 7346Stupid, n.: 7347 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. 7348%% 7349Sturgeon's Law: 7350 90% of everything is crud. 7351%% 7352Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your 7353editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. 7354 -- Mark Twain 7355%% 7356Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. 7357%% 7358(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) 7359 7360 To code the impossible code, 7361 To bring up a virgin machine, 7362 To pop out of endless recursion, 7363 To grok what appears on the screen, 7364 7365 To right the unrightable bug, 7366 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, 7367 To mount the unmountable magtape, 7368 To stop the unstoppable crash! 7369%% 7370Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! 7371%% 7372Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type 7373in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving 7374the room is punishable under law: 7375 7376Name # 7377%% 7378Surprise due today. Also the rent. 7379%% 7380Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. 7381%% 7382Sweater, n.: 7383 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. 7384%% 7385Swipple's Rule of Order: 7386 He who shouts the loudest has the floor. 7387%% 7388System/3! System/3! 7389See how it runs! See how it runs! 7390 Its monitor loses so totally! 7391 It runs all its programs in RPG! 7392 It's made by our favorite monopoly! 7393System/3! 7394%% 7395THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES 7396 The one who has the gold makes the rules. 7397%% 7398THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE 7399 7400SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language 7401Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for 7402Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code 7403with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, 7404END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make 7405a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus 7406they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without 7407the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. 7408%% 7409THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP 7410 7411This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of 7412an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said 7413to be useful in protheththing lithtth. 7414%% 7415THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL 7416 7417SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. 7418Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they 7419compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the 7420coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom 7421sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to 7422compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but 7423infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. 7424%% 7425THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE 7426 7427 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an 7428extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; 7429they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own 7430functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are 7431no fun at parties. 7432%% 7433THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE 7434 7435Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely 7436unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just 7437are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. 7438SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at 7439parties. 7440%% 7441THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C- 7442 7443This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he 7444submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is 7445best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the 7446language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code 7447statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very 7448similar to COBOL. 7449%% 7450THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH 7451 7452FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types 7453refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and 7454JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and 7455BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, 7456CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. 7457 7458The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and 7459financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include 7460VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH 7461and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers 7462who end up using this language. 7463%% 7464THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM 7465 7466If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your 7467contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue 7468without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are 7469contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We 7470can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money 7471for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the 7472difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight 7473and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to 7474"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before 7475you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. 7476Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 747730 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The 7478Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or 7479more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug .... 7480%% 7481TV is chewing gum for the eyes. 7482 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 7483%% 7484Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a 7485hole in his head. 7486%% 7487Tact, n.: 7488 The unsaid part of what you're thinking. 7489%% 7490Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. 7491%% 7492Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting 7493enough cheese 7494 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" 7495%% 7496Take it easy, we're in a hurry. 7497%% 7498Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it 7499needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. 7500 -- Kipling 7501%% 7502Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to 7503your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, 7504and they'll call you crazy. 7505 -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" 7506%% 7507Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to 7508your execution is not generally understood by less-advanced life-forms, 7509and they'll call you crazy. 7510 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 7511%% 7512Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. 7513 -- Euripides 7514%% 7515Talkers are no good doers. 7516 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 7517%% 7518Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. 7519 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 7520%% 7521Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind 7522the tree." 7523 -- Russell Long 7524%% 7525Taxes, n.: 7526 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get 7527an extension. 7528%% 7529Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he 7530grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. 7531%% 7532Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. 7533%% 7534Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means 7535for going backwards. 7536 -- Aldous Huxley 7537%% 7538Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop 7539writing. 7540 -- R. Geis 7541%% 7542"Terence, this is stupid stuff: 7543You eat your victuals fast enough; 7544There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, 7545To see the rate you drink your beer. 7546But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, 7547It gives a chap the belly-ache. 7548The cow, the old cow, she is dead; 7549It sleeps well the horned head: 7550We poor lads, 'tis our turn now 7551To hear such tunes as killed the cow. 7552Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme 7553Your friends to death before their time. 7554Moping, melancholy mad: 7555Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad." 7556 -- A. E. Housman 7557%% 7558Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a 7559pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city 7560until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is 7561ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe 7562because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical 7563fact, for he merely said: 7564 7565 "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because 7566 it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain 7567 because it is impossible." 7568 7569Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of 7570philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. 7571 -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types 7572 7573(Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church). 7574%% 7575Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. 7576%% 7577"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even 7578one which cannot be justified on any other grounds." 7579 -- J. Finnegan, USC. 7580%% 7581"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all." 7582%% 7583That secret you've been guarding, isn't. 7584%% 7585That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. 7586 -- Dorothy Parker 7587%% 7588The Abrams' Principle: 7589 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. 7590%% 7591The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. 7592Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed 7593and color, but also on ability. 7594 -- T. Lehrer 7595%% 7596The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. 7597 -- Bill Murray 7598%% 7599The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: 7600 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a 7601 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add 7602 one, and convert to the next higher units. 7603%% 7604"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the 7605flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language." 7606%% 7607The Crown is full of it! 7608 -- Nate Harris, 1775 7609%% 7610The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach 7611their children to speak it. 7612 -- G. B. Shaw 7613%% 7614The Fifth Rule: 7615 You have taken yourself too seriously. 7616%% 7617The First Rule of Program Optimization: 7618 Don't do it. 7619 7620The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): 7621 Don't do it yet. 7622 -- Michael Jackson 7623%% 7624The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by 7625people who want some. 7626 -- Dwight MacDonald 7627%% 7628The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: 7629 The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in 7630courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk 7631clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods 7632of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp 7633Hedgehog Eater. 7634 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 7635%% 7636The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: 7637 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. 7638%% 7639The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided 7640by the number of people in the group. 7641%% 7642The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free 7643information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a 7644dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a 7645real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. 7646 7647So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never 7648pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big 7649consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... 7650 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 7651%% 7652The Kennedy Constant: 7653 Don't get mad -- get even. 7654%% 7655The Killer Ducks are coming!!! 7656%% 7657The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the 7658poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal 7659bread. 7660 -- Anatole France 7661%% 7662"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as 7663we could with both of them." 7664 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 7665%% 7666The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: 7667 Support your right to bare arms! 7668%% 7669The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, 7670in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. 7671 7672 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for 7673 whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. 7674 -- Matthew 5:37 7675%% 7676The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: 7677 7678 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, 7679 Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of 7680 Corporate Planning." 7681%% 7682The Pig, if I am not mistaken, 7683Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. 7684Let others think his heart is big, 7685I think it stupid of the Pig. 7686 -- Ogden Nash 7687%% 7688The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher, 7689 Were each of them once a kiddie. 7690A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. 7691 Do I want one? God Forbiddie! 7692 -- Ogden Nash 7693%% 7694The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's 7695outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by 7696mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once 7697tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims 7698the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. 7699 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 7700%% 7701The Roman Rule 7702 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the 7703 one who is doing it. 7704%% 7705The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in 7706his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on 7707one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't 7708take it too seriously. 7709 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 7710%% 7711The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 7712showed that all had these things in common: 7713 7714 1. They all had moderate appetites. 7715 2. They all came from middle class homes 7716 3. All but two of them were dead. 7717%% 7718The Third Law of Photography: 7719 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined 7720 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of 7721 the dark leaks out. 7722%% 7723The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and 7724religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging 7725from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its 7726yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the 7727world put together. 7728 -- Sir Peter Medawar 7729%% 7730The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and 7731religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging 7732from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its 7733yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the 7734world put together. 7735 -- Sir Peter Medawar 7736%% 7737The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie 7738Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said 7739to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his 7740decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." 7741%% 7742The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper 7743 -- Thomas Jefferson 7744%% 7745The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the 7746average man can see better than he can think. 7747%% 7748The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than 7749cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and 7750difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, 7751which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- 7752here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO 7753RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you 7754want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking 7755lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a 7756squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out 7757and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, 7758his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was 7759neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking 7760lots. 7761 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 7762%% 7763The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; 7764but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. 7765%% 7766The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. 7767 -- W. C. Fields 7768%% 7769The best defense against logic is ignorance. 7770%% 7771The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. 7772%% 7773The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse 7774time. 7775 -- Merrick Furst 7776%% 7777The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss 7778Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. 7779 7780It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been 7781known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, 7782in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two 7783under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of 7784people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a 7785city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking 7786umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of 7787activity that frightens the horses on the street ... 7788%% 7789"The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch." 7790%% 7791The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up 7792in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. 7793%% 7794The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up 7795at the steam fitters' picnic. 7796%% 7797The chief cause of problems is solutions. 7798%% 7799"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live 7800elsewhere." 7801%% 7802The computing field is always in need of new cliches. 7803 -- Alan Perlis 7804%% 7805The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is 7806none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." 7807Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. 7808Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you 7809talked about. 7810 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 7811%% 7812The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 7813%% 7814The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going 7815down. 7816%% 7817The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to 7818eat. 7819 -- John McNulty 7820%% 7821The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of 7822us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching 7823Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. 7824%% 7825The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? 7826%% 7827The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. 7828%% 7829"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell 7830into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him 7831out again, it would be a calamity." 7832 -- Benjamin Disraeli 7833%% 7834The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science 7835requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require 7836scholarship. 7837 -- Robert Heinlein 7838%% 7839The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show 7840off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his 7841next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the 7842duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the 7843duck and returned it to his master. 7844 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. 7845 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't 7846swim." 7847%% 7848The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. 7849%% 7850The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with 7851symposium to follow. 7852%% 7853The fact that it works is immaterial. 7854 -- L. Ogborn 7855%% 7856The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King 7857Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a 7858tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad 7859forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously 7860fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of 7861threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked 7862suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of 7863foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead 7864one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with 7865dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found 7866drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown 7867and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have 7868thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture 7869of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left 7870in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed 7871crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave 7872Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when 7873a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful 7874throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. 7875 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 7876%% 7877The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. 7878 -- Abbie Hoffman 7879%% 7880The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish 7881child, was propounded to me by my father: 7882 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and 7883whistles?" 7884 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity 7885gave up. 7886 "A herring," said my father. 7887 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" 7888 "So hang it there." 7889 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. 7890 "Paint it." 7891 "But a herring isn't wet." 7892 "If its just painted its still wet." 7893 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring 7894doesn't whistle!!" 7895 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it 7896hard." 7897 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" 7898%% 7899The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by 7900a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. 7901%% 7902The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to 7903chance. 7904%% 7905The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the 7906center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South 7907Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South 7908End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. 7909%% 7910The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at 7911least until we've finished building it. 7912%% 7913The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. 7914The goal of nature is to build better mice. 7915%% 7916The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him 7917love and he invented marriage. 7918%% 7919The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. 7920 -- Albert Einstein 7921%% 7922The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, 7923a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to 7924the contrary, nohow. 7925%% 7926The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent 7927thinkers. 7928%% 7929The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for 7930lists of "Ten Best". 7931 -- H. Allen Smith 7932%% 7933The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity 7934-- the rest is overhead for the operating system. 7935%% 7936The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange 7937protein -- it rejects it. 7938 -- P. Medawar 7939%% 7940The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. 7941 -- Mark Twain 7942%% 7943"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit 7944longer." 7945 -- Henry Kissinger 7946%% 7947The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important 7948point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly 7949important thing to people. 7950 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King 7951%% 7952The ladies men admire, I've heard, 7953Would shudder at a wicked word. 7954Their candle gives a single light; 7955They'd rather stay at home at night. 7956They do not keep awake till three, 7957Nor read erotic poetry. 7958They never sanction the impure, 7959Nor recognize an overture. 7960They shrink from powders and from paints ... 7961So far, I've had no complaints. 7962 -- Dorothy Parker 7963%% 7964The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching 7965train. 7966%% 7967The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get 7968much sleep. 7969 -- Woody Allen 7970%% 7971The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. 7972 -- Henry Kissinger 7973%% 7974The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the 7975crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no 7976one has ever been. 7977 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 7978%% 7979The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a 7980soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which 7981when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. 7982%% 7983The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. 7984%% 7985The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. 7986%% 7987The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and 7988robbers there will be. 7989 -- Lao Tsu 7990%% 7991The more things change, the more they stay insane. 7992%% 7993The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us 7994is right. 7995%% 7996The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. 7997 -- Andy Warhol 7998%% 7999The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 8000discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." 8001 -- Isaac Asimov 8002%% 8003The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. 8004%% 8005The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I 8006hope I don't get run over again. 8007%% 8008The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to 8009choose from. 8010 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 8011%% 8012The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 801380-column card. 8014 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 8015%% 8016The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly 8017analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their 8018occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve 8019these problems when called upon. 8020 8021However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to 8022remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. 8023%% 8024The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. 8025%% 8026The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when 8027to cringe. 8028%% 8029The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the 8030`social sciences' is: some do, some don't. 8031 -- Ernest Rutherford 8032%% 8033The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop 8034and take a rest. 8035%% 8036The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any 8037use to oneself. 8038 -- Oscar Wilde 8039%% 8040The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. 8041 -- Oscar Wilde 8042%% 8043The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up 8044until 5 or 6 pm. 8045%% 8046The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 8047 -- Bohr 8048%% 8049The optimum committee has no members. 8050 -- Norman Augustine 8051%% 8052The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France 8053on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an 8054acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke 8055French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word 8056the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a 8057picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a 8058ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant 8059with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After 8060dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to 8061several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious 8062evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and 8063drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never 8064be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. 8065%% 8066The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because 8067it isn't here. 8068 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) 8069%% 8070The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter 8071swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the 8072batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The 8073center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute 8074his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. 8075 -- Dizzy Dean 8076%% 8077The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to 8078constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every 8079appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA 8080statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This 8081also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. 8082 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers 8083%% 8084The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the 8085stupidity of your action. 8086%% 8087The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. 8088Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil 8089using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle 8090Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, 8091etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous 8092bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None 8093of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats 8094developed cancer. 8095 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 8096%% 8097The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go 8098to erase it. 8099 -- Glaser and Way 8100%% 8101The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be 8102pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. 8103 -- Elizabeth Taylor 8104%% 8105The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 8106%% 8107"The pyramid is opening!" 8108"Which one?" 8109"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" 8110 -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At 8111 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" 8112%% 8113The rain it raineth on the just 8114 And also on the unjust fella, 8115But chiefly on the just, because 8116 The unjust steals the just's umbrella. 8117%% 8118The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. 8119%% 8120The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one 8121persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all 8122progress depends on the unreasonable man. 8123 -- George Bernard Shaw 8124%% 8125The revolution will not be televised. 8126%% 8127The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. 8128 -- Emerson 8129%% 8130The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. 8131This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. 8132%% 8133The shortest distance between two points is under construction. 8134 -- Noelie Altito 8135%% 8136"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity 8137and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exaulted 8138activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... 8139neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water." 8140%% 8141"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!" 8142%% 8143The steady state of disks is full. 8144 --Ken Thompson 8145%% 8146The sun was shining on the sea, 8147Shining with all his might: 8148He did his very best to make 8149The billows smooth and bright -- 8150And this was very odd, because it was 8151The middle of the night. 8152 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 8153%% 8154The superfluous is very necessary. 8155 -- Voltaire 8156%% 8157The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our 8158authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as 8159the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as 8160the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much 8161radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much 8162as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we 8163receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the 8164Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will 8165heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to 8166the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much 8167heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for 8168radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the 8169earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell 8170cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the 8171fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which 8172burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means 8173that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We 8174have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. 8175 -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 8176%% 8177The three laws of thermodynamics: 8178 8179The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. 8180The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break 8181 even. 8182The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. 8183%% 8184The trouble with a kitten is that 8185When it grows up, it's always a cat 8186 -- Ogden Nash. 8187%% 8188The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. 8189%% 8190The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing 8191more important to do. 8192%% 8193The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody 8194appreciates how difficult it was. 8195%% 8196The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And 8197vice versa. 8198%% 8199The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks 8200Which practically conceal its sex. 8201I think it clever of the turtle 8202In such a fix to be so fertile. 8203 -- Ogden Nash 8204%% 8205The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more 8206annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. 8207 -- Oscar Wilde 8208%% 8209The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be 8210regarded as a criminal offense. 8211 -- E. W. Dijkstra 8212%% 8213"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..." 8214%% 8215"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity 8216that would be clearly understood." 8217 -- Alexander Haig 8218%% 8219"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start 8220with a large fortune." 8221%% 8222The world is coming to an end. Please log off. 8223%% 8224The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! 8225%% 8226The world's as ugly as sin, 8227And almost as delightful 8228 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson 8229%% 8230The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of 8231four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all 8232the answers. 8233%% 8234Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. 8235 8236He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, 8237then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open 8238market. 8239 8240If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should 8241not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. 8242 8243Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. 8244Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. 8245Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. 8246 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 8247%% 8248There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, 8249and praiseworthy ... 8250 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8251%% 8252There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a 8253vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. 8254 -- Gloria Steinem 8255%% 8256There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both 8257plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; 8258and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, 8259don't we all? 8260%% 8261There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. 8262 -- Disraeli 8263%% 8264"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away 8265from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone 8266loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor." 8267%% 8268There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be 8269offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin 8270a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount 8271of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of 8272affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. 8273When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. 8274Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. 8275 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour 8276%% 8277There are three ways to get something done: 8278 1. Do it yourself. 8279 2. Hire someone to do it for you. 8280 3. Forbid your kids to do it. 8281%% 8282There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire 8283someone, or forbid your kids to do it. 8284%% 8285There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect 8286the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the 8287sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. 8288 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 8289%% 8290"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the 8291other is to read Pope." 8292 -- Oscar Wilde 8293%% 8294There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one 8295works. 8296%% 8297There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a 8298suitable application of high explosives. 8299%% 8300There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. 8301 -- Henry Kissinger 8302%% 8303There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know 8304nothing about. 8305%% 8306There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of 8307paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. 8308%% 8309There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. 8310%% 8311There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe 8312is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly 8313inexplicable." 8314 8315There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...." 8316 -- Donald Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy" 8317%% 8318There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly 8319what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly 8320disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and 8321inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has 8322already happened. 8323 -- Donald Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 8324%% 8325There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. 8326 -- Mark Twain 8327%% 8328There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the 8329tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not 8330abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and 8331war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, 8332of course. 8333 -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. 8334%% 8335There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it 8336 -- G. B. Shaw 8337%% 8338There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast 8339reflexes. 8340%% 8341There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be 8342doing. 8343%% 8344There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and 8345that is not being talked about. 8346 -- Oscar Wilde 8347%% 8348There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale 8349returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 8350 -- Mark Twain 8351%% 8352There once was a girl named Irene 8353Who lived on distilled kerosene 8354 But she started absorbin' 8355 A new hydrocarbon 8356And since then has never benzene. 8357%% 8358There once was an old man from Esser, 8359Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. 8360 It at last grew so small, 8361 He knew nothing at all, 8362And now he's a College Professor. 8363%% 8364"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved 8365it." 8366 -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia 8367%% 8368There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were 8369left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. 8370Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they 8371started debating who should be allowed to stay. 8372 8373The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all 8374over the world, the President explained that if he died then America 8375would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley 8376said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair 8377thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 8378votes. 8379%% 8380There was a young lady from Hyde 8381Who ate a green apple and died. 8382 While her lover lamented 8383 The apple fermented 8384And made cider inside her inside. 8385%% 8386There was a young man who said "God, 8387I find it exceedingly odd, 8388 That the willow oak tree 8389 Continues to be, 8390When there's no one about in the Quad." 8391 8392"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, 8393For I'm always about in the Quad; 8394 And that's why the tree, 8395 Continues to be," 8396Signed "Yours faithfully, God." 8397%% 8398There was a young poet named Dan, 8399Whose poetry never would scan. 8400 When told this was so, 8401 He said, "Yes, I know. 8402It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." 8403%% 8404There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of 8405the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- 8406digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 84078-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the 8408transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity 8409stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative 8410feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching 8411systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the 8412first electrical digital computer, and the first communications 8413satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the 8414telephone business? 8415%% 8416There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a 8417fence. 8418%% 8419There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. 8420%% 8421There's little in taking or giving, 8422 There's little in water or wine: 8423This living, this living, this living, 8424 Was never a project of mine. 8425Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is 8426 The gain of the one at the top, 8427For art is a form of catharsis, 8428 And love is a permanent flop, 8429And work is the province of cattle, 8430 And rest's for a clam in a shell, 8431So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- 8432 Would you kindly direct me to hell? 8433 -- Dorothy Parker 8434%% 8435There's no future in time travel 8436%% 8437There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. 8438 -- Dr. Who 8439%% 8440There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get 8441any worse. 8442%% 8443There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn 8444what it is I'll get married again. 8445 -- Clint Eastwood 8446%% 8447There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is 8448becoming an endangered synthetic. 8449 -- Lily Tomlin 8450%% 8451"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" 8452"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" 8453"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP 8454out of MEGATON MAN!" 8455%% 8456These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they 8457used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. 8458%% 8459They also surf who only stand on waves. 8460%% 8461They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners 8462always spell better than they pronounce. 8463 -- Mark Twain 8464%% 8465"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!" 8466%% 8467They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results 8468 About a month before. Their hair began to curl 8469The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it 8470 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. 8471 8472He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this 8473 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be 8474And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest 8475 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. 8476 8477My notion was to start again 8478 Ignoring all they'd done 8479We quickly turned it into code 8480 To see if it would run. 8481%% 8482They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! 8483%% 8484Things are more like they used to be than they are now. 8485%% 8486Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. 8487%% 8488Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. 8489%% 8490Think honk if you're a telepath. 8491%% 8492Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! 8493%% 8494Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the 8495computer crashes. 8496%% 8497Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". 8498%% 8499This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, 8500please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random 8501characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with 8502something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be 8503more profound than THIS program has ever been. 8504%% 8505This fortune intentionally not included. 8506%% 8507This fortune is false. 8508%% 8509This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. 8510%% 8511"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, 8512regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling 8513keys ..." 8514%% 8515This is for all ill-treated fellows 8516 Unborn and unbegot, 8517For them to read when they're in trouble 8518 And I am not. 8519 -- A. E. Housman 8520%% 8521This is the story of the bee 8522Whose sex is very hard to see 8523 8524You cannot tell the he from the she 8525But she can tell, and so can he 8526 8527The little bee is never still 8528She has no time to take the pill 8529 8530And that is why, in times like these 8531There are so many sons of bees. 8532%% 8533This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, 8534you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where 8535to go. 8536%% 8537This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 8538%% 8539This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of 8540the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many 8541solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were 8542largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 8543which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of 8544paper that were unhappy. 8545 -- Douglas Adams 8546%% 8547This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget 8548it. 8549%% 8550Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. 8551%% 8552Those who can't write, write manuals. 8553%% 8554Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, 8555for these only gave life, those the art of living well. 8556 -- Aristotle 8557%% 8558Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. 8559%% 8560Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent 8561revolution inevitable. 8562 -- John F. Kennedy 8563%% 8564Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are 8565the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with 8566Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- 8567whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A 8568fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any 8569more about the matter than the others. 8570 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8571%% 8572Time flies like an arrow 8573Fruit flies like a banana 8574%% 8575Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at 8576once. 8577%% 8578"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." 8579 -- Woody Allen 8580%% 8581To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 8582%% 8583To be is to do. 8584 -- I. Kant 8585To do is to be. 8586 -- A. Sartre 8587Yabba-Dabba-Doo! 8588 -- F. Flinstone 8589%% 8590To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, 8591call it the target. 8592%% 8593To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. 8594%% 8595To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. 8596 -- Thomas Edison 8597%% 8598To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. 8599%% 8600To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional 8601system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, 8602inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: 8603precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, 8604uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, 8605well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures 8606of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very 8607secure ecological niche. 8608 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" 8609%% 8610"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?" 8611%% 8612Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. 8613%% 8614Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. 8615%% 8616Today is the first day of the rest of the mess 8617%% 8618Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday 8619%% 8620Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? 8621 8622And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? 8623 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 8624%% 8625Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. 8626%% 8627Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 8628%% 8629Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. 8630 -- Mae West 8631%% 8632Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. 8633%% 8634Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live 8635in eucalyptus trees. 8636%% 8637Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant 8638intelligence. 8639 -- Henrik Tikkanen 8640%% 8641Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) 8642%% 8643Truthful, adj.: 8644 Dumb and illiterate. 8645%% 8646Truthful, adj.: 8647 Dumb and illiterate. 8648 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8649%% 8650Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. 8651 -- Charles Schulz 8652%% 8653Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no 8654good. 8655%% 8656Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. 8657%% 8658Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only 8659specification is that it should run noiselessly. 8660%% 8661Turnaucka's Law: 8662 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its 8663 electrical cord. 8664%% 8665Tussman's Law: 8666 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. 8667%% 8668'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks 8669Did gyre and gimble in their cave 8670All mimsy was the CS-VAX 8671And Cory raths outgrave. 8672 8673"Beware the software rot, my son! 8674The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! 8675Beware the broken pipe, and shun 8676The frumious system crash!" 8677%% 8678'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period 8679 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And 8680 throughout our place of residence, 8681Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the 8682 possessors of this potential, including that 8683 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. 8684Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward 8685 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, 8686Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an 8687 imminent visitation from an eccentric 8688 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations 8689 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... 8690%% 8691Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. 8692 -- Howard Kandel 8693%% 8694Two percent of zero is almost nothing. 8695%% 8696UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. 8697%% 8698"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" 8699 8700"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, 8701right?" 8702 -- MacNelley, "Shoe" 8703%% 8704Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: 8705 Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a 8706 hammer or get a splinter in it. 8707%% 8708Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it 8709can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ... 8710%% 8711Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: 8712 Superiority is recessive. 8713%% 8714Unfair animal names: 8715 8716-- tsetse fly -- bullhead 8717-- booby -- duck-billed platypus 8718-- sapsucker -- Clarence 8719 -- Gary Larson 8720%% 8721United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the 8722Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of 8723all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of 8724all the patriots of every persuasion. 8725 8726Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the 8727world. 8728 -- Isaac Asimov 8729%% 8730Universe, n.: 8731 The problem. 8732%% 8733University, n.: 8734 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's 8735usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to 8736fix it, and ... 8737%% 8738Unnamed Law: 8739 If it happens, it must be possible. 8740%% 8741Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out 8742twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. 8743 -- H. L. Mencken 8744%% 8745Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir 8746%% 8747User n.: 8748 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. 8749%% 8750Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. 8751 -- S. C. Johnson 8752%% 8753VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 8754 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to 8755 ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this 8756 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you 8757 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of 8758 that old underwear you own. 8759%% 8760Vail's Second Axiom: 8761 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the 8762 amount of work already completed. 8763%% 8764Van Roy's Law: 8765 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 8766%% 8767Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 8768 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only 8769 once. 8770 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data 8771 points. 8772%% 8773Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. 8774%% 8775Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. 8776 -- Salvor Hardin 8777%% 8778Virtue is its own punishment. 8779%% 8780Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving 8781from where you left them to where you can't find them. 8782%% 8783Vitamin C deficiency is apauling 8784%% 8785Vote anarchist 8786%% 8787WARNING: 8788 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your 8789 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of 8790 hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of 8791 your favorite war. 8792%% 8793WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE 8794 8795 Oh, dear, where can the matter be 8796 When it's converted to energy? 8797 There is a slight loss of parity. 8798 Johnny's so long at the fair. 8799%% 8800"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." 8801 -- Mark Twain 8802%% 8803Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 88041st customer: "I'll have tea." 88052nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" 8806 (Waiter exits, returns) 8807Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" 8808%% 8809War hath no fury like a non-combatant. 8810 -- Charles Edward Montague 8811%% 8812Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 8813 -- John F. Kennedy 8814%% 8815Wasting time is an important part of living. 8816%% 8817Watson's Law: 8818 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the 8819 number and significance of any persons watching it. 8820%% 8821We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. 8822 -- Whole Earth Catalog 8823%% 8824We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. 8825 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" 8826%% 8827We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. 8828%% 8829"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company." 8830%% 8831We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the 8832hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights! 8833%% 8834We have met the enemy, and he is us. 8835 -- Walt Kelly 8836%% 8837"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his 8838hands for masturbation." 8839 -- Lily Tomlin 8840%% 8841We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always 8842respect their good judgement. 8843%% 8844We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass 8845no matter how self-seeking. 8846 -- F. G. Withington 8847%% 8848We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best 8849friends are trying to kill us. 8850%% 8851We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one 8852technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. 8853%% 8854We wish you a Hare Krishna 8855We wish you a Hare Krishna 8856We wish you a Hare Krishna 8857And a Sun Myung Moon! 8858 -- Maxwell Smart 8859%% 8860Weiler's Law: 8861 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it 8862 himself. 8863%% 8864Weinberg's First Law: 8865 Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 8866%% 8867Weinberg's Principle: 8868 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while 8869 sweeping on to the grand fallacy. 8870%% 8871Weinberg's Second Law: 8872 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 8873 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy 8874 civilization. 8875%% 8876Weiner's Law of Libraries: 8877 There are no answers, only cross references. 8878%% 8879Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them 8880back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, 8881or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they 8882they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. 8883 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile 8884%% 8885"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later." 8886%% 8887"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* 8888you believe?!" 8889 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] 8890%% 8891Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, 8892 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; 8893I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, 8894 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 8895 8896If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, 8897 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 8898'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. 8899 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 8900 8901On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, 8902 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. 8903Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, 8904 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 8905 -- Core Dumped Blues 8906%% 8907We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from 8908the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging 8909you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right 8910in his bowl full of jelly. 8911 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 8912%% 8913Westheimer's Discovery: 8914 A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a 8915 couple of hours in the library. 8916%% 8917Wethern's Law: 8918 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 8919%% 8920We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center 8921of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, 8922but for some reason nobody's ever done it. 8923 -- Andy Rooney 8924%% 8925What I tell you three times is true. 8926%% 8927What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. 8928%% 8929What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? 8930%% 8931What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. 8932%% 8933What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. 8934%% 8935What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the 8936entrance? 8937%% 8938What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow 8939in his footsteps? 8940%% 8941What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I 8942definitely overpaid for my carpet. 8943 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 8944%% 8945What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's 8946worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? 8947 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 8948%% 8949What is a magician but a practising theorist? 8950 -- Obi-Wan Kenobi 8951%% 8952What is mind? No matter. 8953What is matter? Never mind. 8954 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 8955%% 8956What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern 8957computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest 8958and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. 8959%% 8960"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?" 8961 -- Bertold Brecht 8962%% 8963What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. 8964%% 8965What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing 8966to compare it with. 8967%% 8968What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing 8969to compare it with. 8970%% 8971What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. 8972It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books 8973and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes 8974and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, 8975women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate 8976mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige 8977and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." 8978 -- Susan Gordon 8979%% 8980What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? 8981 -- Ursula K. LeGuin 8982%% 8983What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. 8984%% 8985What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. 8986%% 8987What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent 8988bagel. 8989%% 8990What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon. 8991%% 8992What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! 8993%% 8994What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. 8995%% 8996What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? 8997 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 8998%% 8999What with chromodynamics and electroweak too 9000 Our Standardized Model should please even you, 9001Tho once you did say that of charm there was none 9002 It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun. 9003Yet your state of the union penultimate large 9004 Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge, 9005And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll 9006 Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole. 9007Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back 9008 For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track, 9009But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude 9010 Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed. 9011Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more, 9012 You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore, 9013That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere 9014 Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear 9015Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta 9016 Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later. 9017 -- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, Dec. 1984 9018%% 9019Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for 9020cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils 9021as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding 9022hundred dollar bills." 9023 -- Herb Caen 9024%% 9025Whatever became of eternal truth? 9026%% 9027Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not 9028nailed down. 9029 -- Collis P. Huntingdon 9030%% 9031When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to 9032guarantee them. 9033%% 9034When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young 9035ladies, and, of course, the goat. 9036%% 9037When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now 9038I'm beginning to believe it. 9039 -- Clarence Darrow 9040%% 9041When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into 9042the soul of the boy sitting next to me. 9043 -- Woody Allen 9044%% 9045When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened 9046or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I 9047cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to 9048go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. 9049 -- Mark Twain 9050%% 9051When Marriage is Outlawed, 9052Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. 9053%% 9054When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the 9055money is. 9056 -- Robespierre 9057%% 9058When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the 9059thing," it's the money. 9060 -- Kim Hubbard 9061%% 9062When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half 9063loop? 9064%% 9065When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is 9066not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space 9067travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. 9068 -- Robert Heinlein 9069%% 9070When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the 9071sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain 9072relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. 9073 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle 9074 Maintenance" 9075%% 9076When all other means of communication fail, try words. 9077%% 9078When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I 9079think it was a Tuesday. 9080%% 9081When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. 9082%% 9083"When in doubt, tell the truth." 9084 -- Mark Twain 9085%% 9086When in doubt, use brute force. 9087 -- Ken Thompson 9088%% 9089When love is gone, there's always justice. 9090And when justice is gone, there's always force. 9091And when force is gone, there's always Mom. 9092Hi, Mom! 9093 -- Laurie Anderson 9094%% 9095When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment 9096results. 9097 -- Calvin Coolidge 9098%% 9099When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only 9100say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. 9101%% 9102When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, 9103the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a 9104nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that. 9105 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 9106%% 9107When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the 9108stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them 9109from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones 9110were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the 9111corners as bodies of a lower grade ... 9112 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 9113%% 9114"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical" 9115 -- Jon Carroll 9116%% 9117When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you 9118modify the problem, not the remedy. 9119%% 9120When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most 9121insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are 9122required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and 9123exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. 9124 -- George Bernard Shaw 9125%% 9126When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is 9127not hereditary. 9128 -- Thomas Paine 9129%% 9130"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut." 9131%% 9132When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. 9133%% 9134"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." 9135 -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war 9136%% 9137When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. 9138 -- The Wall Street Journal 9139%% 9140When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, 9141Wretched, bored, dejected; only 9142Here's the rub, my darling dear 9143I feel the same when you are near. 9144 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" 9145%% 9146When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. 9147%% 9148Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to 9149see it tried on him personally. 9150 -- A. Lincoln 9151%% 9152Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". 9153 -- Dave Parnas 9154%% 9155Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. 9156 --Oscar Wilde 9157%% 9158Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last 9159you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his 9160Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. 9161 -- Mark Twain 9162 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" 9163%% 9164Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time 9165to reform. 9166 -- Mark Twain 9167%% 9168Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what 9169is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. 9170 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 9171%% 9172Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. 9173%% 9174Whether you can hear it or not 9175The Universe is laughing behind your back 9176 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" 9177%% 9178While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 9179The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 9180While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 9181And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 9182Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 9183The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 9184 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 9185 November 26, 1792 9186%% 9187While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is 9188admission to someone else. 9189%% 9190While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own 9191form of misery. 9192%% 9193While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining 9194position. 9195%% 9196While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their 9197correctness never does. 9198%% 9199While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very 9200reassuring to know that it's still there. 9201%% 9202While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are 9203safe, for you can watch both of his. 9204 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9205%% 9206Whistler's Law: 9207 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in 9208 charge. 9209%% 9210"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new 9211Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..." 9212%% 9213Who made the world I cannot tell; 9214'Tis made, and here am I in hell. 9215My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, 9216I never soiled with such a deed. 9217 -- A. E. Housman 9218%% 9219Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? 9220%% 9221Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. 9222%% 9223Who's on first? 9224%% 9225Why I Can't Go Out With You: 9226 9227I'd LOVE to, but ... 9228 -- I have to floss my cat. 9229 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. 9230 -- I need to spend more time with my blender. 9231 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 9232 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. 9233 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. 9234 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 9235 -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. 9236 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 9237 -- I have some really hard words to look up. 9238 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 9239 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 9240%% 9241"Why be a man when you can be a success?" 9242 -- Bertold Brecht 9243%% 9244Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to 9245avoid responsibility with? 9246%% 9247Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office 9248automation? 9249%% 9250Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently 9251there must be a beverage. 9252 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 9253%% 9254"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is 9255because we are not the person involved" 9256 -- Mark Twain 9257%% 9258"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?" 9259 -- Lily Tomlin 9260%% 9261Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? 9262Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your 9263children open their old-fashioned presents. 9264 9265Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" 9266 9267You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it 9268 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" 9269 9270Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer 9271 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, 9272 and I get this cretin TOP?" 9273 9274Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." 9275 9276You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" 9277 9278Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." 9279 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 9280%% 9281"Why was I born with such contemporaries?" 9282 -- Oscar Wilde 9283%% 9284Wiker's Law: 9285 Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. 9286%% 9287Williams and Holland's Law: 9288 If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by 9289 statistical methods. 9290%% 9291Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as 9292it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. 9293%% 9294Wit, n.: 9295 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery 9296... by leaving it out. 9297 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9298%% 9299With a rubber duck, one's never alone. 9300 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 9301%% 9302With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once 9303build a nuclear balm? 9304%% 9305With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand 9306miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and 9307still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no 9308such thing as progress. 9309 -- Ransom K. Ferm 9310%% 9311Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. 9312%% 9313Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If 9314you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut 9315down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that 9316tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with 9317long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit 9318there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you 9319come back. 9320 9321Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, 9322when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. 9323Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the 9324cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood 9325heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately 9326beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, 9327and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, 9328although their insurance rates went way up. 9329 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 9330%% 9331Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your 9332chairs. 9333%% 9334Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: 9335 August. The lines are the shortest, though. 9336 -- Steve Rubenstein 9337%% 9338Worst Month of the Year: 9339 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if 9340you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't 9341get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. 9342 -- Steve Rubenstein 9343%% 9344Worst Vegetable of the Year: 9345 The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next 9346year. 9347 -- Steve Rubenstein 9348%% 9349"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" 9350 9351"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat 9352 -- Lewis Carrol 9353%% 9354Write-Protect Tab, n.: 9355 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly 9356left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error 9357message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the 9358momentary inconvenience. 9359 -- Robb Russon 9360%% 9361Xerox does it again and again and again and ... 9362%% 9363Xerox never comes up with anything original. 9364%% 9365X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the 9366imagination is the plot. 9367%% 9368"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have 9369goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in 9370their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating 9371unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my 9372doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. 9373 -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" 9374%% 9375Year, n.: 9376 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 9377 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9378%% 9379Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. 9380%% 9381Yes, but which self do you want to be? 9382%% 9383Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still 9384be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. 9385 -- Snoopy 9386%% 9387Yesterday upon the stair 9388I met a man who wasn't there. 9389He wasn't there again today -- 9390I think he's from the CIA. 9391%% 9392Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. 9393 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 9394%% 9395Yinkel, n.: 9396 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one 9397will notice. 9398 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 9399%% 9400"You are old, Father William," the young man said, 9401 "All your papers these days look the same; 9402Those William's would be better unread -- 9403 Do these facts never fill you with shame?" 9404 9405"In my youth," Father William replied to his son, 9406 "I wrote wonderful papers galore; 9407But the great reputation I found that I'd won, 9408 Made it pointless to think any more." 9409%% 9410"You are old, father William," the young man said, 9411 "And your hair has become very white; 9412And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- 9413 Do you think, at your age, it is right?" 9414 9415"In my youth," father William replied to his son, 9416 "I feared it might injure the brain; 9417But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, 9418 Why, I do it again and again." 9419 -- Lewis Carrol 9420%% 9421"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers 9422 That your lectures bore people to death. 9423Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- 9424 Don't you think that you should save your breath?" 9425 9426"I have answered three questions and that is enough," 9427 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! 9428Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 9429 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" 9430%% 9431"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak 9432 For anything tougher than suet; 9433Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- 9434 Pray, how did you manage to do it?" 9435 9436"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, 9437 And argued each case with my wife; 9438And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, 9439 Has lasted the rest of my life." 9440 -- Lewis Carrol 9441%% 9442"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, 9443 And there isn't one language you like; 9444Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- 9445 Have you thought about taking a hike?" 9446 9447"Since I never write programs," his father replied, 9448 "Every language looks equally bad; 9449Yet the people keep paying to read all my books 9450 And don't realize that they've been had." 9451%% 9452"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 9453 And have grown most uncommonly fat; 9454Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- 9455 Pray what is the reason of that?" 9456 9457"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, 9458 "I kept all my limbs very supple 9459By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- 9460 Allow me to sell you a couple?" 9461 -- Lewis Carrol 9462%% 9463"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 9464 And make errors few people could bear; 9465You complain about everyone's English but yours -- 9466 Do you really think this is quite fair?" 9467 9468"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, 9469 "But my stature these days is so great 9470That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, 9471 And to stop me it's now far too late." 9472%% 9473"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose 9474 That your eye was as steady as ever; 9475Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- 9476 What made you so awfully clever?" 9477 9478"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," 9479 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! 9480Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 9481 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" 9482 -- Lewis Carrol 9483%% 9484You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 9485%% 9486You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading 9487this sort of trash. 9488%% 9489You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting 9490incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. 9491Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable 9492to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because 9493nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes 9494they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; 9495some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. 9496 9497The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then 9498pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear 9499safety glasses. 9500 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 9501%% 9502You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior 9503executive. 9504%% 9505You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you 9506can with just a kind word. 9507 -- Bumper Sticker 9508%% 9509You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. 9510%% 9511You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on 9512the continuing viability of FORTRAN. 9513 -- Alan Perlis 9514%% 9515You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding 9516decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left 9517over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. 9518 -- F. Allen 9519%% 9520You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of 9521supercomputers. 9522 -- Steven Feiner 9523%% 9524You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. 9525%% 9526You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. 9527%% 9528You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. 9529%% 9530You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. 9531%% 9532You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. 9533%% 9534You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic 9535enough worrying about what's happening now. 9536 -- Lauren Bacall 9537%% 9538"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they 9539don't." 9540 -- Dagwood Bumstead 9541%% 9542You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first 9543and last month in advance. 9544%% 9545You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable 9546doubt. 9547 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict 9548%% 9549You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. 9550 -- J. D. Salinger 9551%% 9552You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting 9553needles. 9554 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food 9555%% 9556You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The 9557short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", 9558which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears 9559tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last 9560names. Here's the complete text: 9561 9562 "1. How much did you make? (AMOUNT) 9563 "2. How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) 9564 "3. Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to 9565 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF 9566 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) 9567 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way 9568 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST 9569 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" 9570 9571The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your 9572money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long 9573form. 9574 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 9575%% 9576You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot 9577today. 9578%% 9579You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your 9580friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. 9581%% 9582You may be recognized soon. Hide. 9583%% 9584You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. 9585 -- Alfred Kahn 9586%% 9587You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for 9588success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits 9589or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume 9590party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. 9591 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" 9592%% 9593You might have mail 9594%% 9595"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable 9596proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do." 9597%% 9598You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll 9599be dead. 9600%% 9601You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the 9602beach. 9603%% 9604You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were 9605you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare 9606yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the 9607company. 9608 -- J. Wellington Wells 9609%% 9610You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. 9611%% 9612You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially 9613if they are dead. 9614%% 9615You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for 9616freedom and liberty. 9617 -- Henrik Ibsen 9618%% 9619You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, 9620contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from 9621houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many 9622scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the 9623summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, 9624you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist 9625sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. 9626 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 9627%% 9628You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. 9629%% 9630You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. 9631%% 9632You will be surprised by a loud noise. 9633%% 9634You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough 9635to worry. 9636%% 9637"You'll never be the man your mother was!" 9638%% 9639Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a 9640thing he tells you. 9641%% 9642Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you 9643from enjoying it. 9644%% 9645Your fault: core dumped 9646%% 9647Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. 9648%% 9649Your lucky color has faded. 9650%% 9651Your lucky number has been disconnected. 9652%% 9653Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. 9654%% 9655Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. 9656%% 9657You're at the end of the road again. 9658%% 9659You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. 9660%% 9661You're never too old to become younger. 9662 -- Mae West 9663%% 9664You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 9665 -- Dean Martin 9666%% 9667Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is 9668when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. 9669%% 9670You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. 9671%% 9672Zero Defects, n.: 9673 The result of shutting down a production line. 9674%% 9675Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words 9676since I first called my brother's father dad. 9677 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 9678%% 9679Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: 9680 People are always available for work in the past tense. 9681%% 9682better !pout !cry 9683better watchout 9684lpr why 9685santa claus <north pole >town 9686 9687cat /etc/passwd >list 9688ncheck list 9689ncheck list 9690cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist 9691cat list | grep nice >giftlist 9692santa claus <north pole > town 9693 9694who | grep sleeping 9695who | grep awake 9696who | egrep 'bad|good' 9697for (goodness sake) { 9698 be good 9699} 9700%% 9701/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. 9702%% 9703f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. 9704%% 9705f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. 9706%% 9707pi seconds is a nanocentury. 9708 -- Tom Duff 9709%% 9710we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, 9711we will cry over things we used to laugh & 9712our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile 9713creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & 9714in the end a summer with wild winds & 9715new friends will be. 9716%% 9717