1!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH 2% 3(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. 4(2) Great generals are forewarned. 5(3) Forewarned is forearmed. 6(4) Four is an even number. 7(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 8(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 9 10Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. 11% 12(1) Everything depends. 13(2) Nothing is always. 14(3) Everything is sometimes. 15% 161.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's 17the law! 18% 1910.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 20% 21100 buckets of bits on the bus 22100 buckets of bits 23Take one down, short it to ground 24FF buckets of bits on the bus 25 26FF buckets of bits on the bus 27FF buckets of bits 28Take one down, short it to ground 29FE buckets of bits on the bus 30 31ad infinitum... 32% 33$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at 34which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. 35 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 36% 37101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR 38 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes 39 (2) Dead cat brush 40 (3) Hair barrettes 41 (4) Cleats 42 (5) Self-piercing earrings 43 (6) Fungus trellis 44 (7) False eyelashes 45 (8) Prosthetic dog claws 46 . 47 . 48 . 49 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) 50 (100) Killer velcro 51 (101) Currency 52% 53186,282 miles per second: 54 55It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! 56% 572180, U.S. History question: 58 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what 59office did he later hold? 60% 61$3,000,000 62% 63"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible 64simulation!" 65% 6643rd Law of Computing: 67 Anything that can go wr 68fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped 69% 7077. HO HUM -- The Redundant 71 72------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme 73--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife 74------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working 75---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the 76---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to 77--- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. 78 79Nine in the second place means: 80 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. 81 82Six in the third place means: 83 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue 84 Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! 85% 867:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 87 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 88 Redwood Forest. 89% 907:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 91 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 92 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 93% 9499 blocks of crud on the disk, 9599 blocks of crud! 96You patch a bug, and dump it again: 97100 blocks of crud on the disk! 98 99100 blocks of crud on the disk, 100100 blocks of crud! 101You patch a bug, and dump it again: 102101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... 103% 104A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 105"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. 106 -- Mahatma Ghandi 107% 108A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. 109Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific 110game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have 111traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, 112preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. 113 -- Donald A. Metz 114% 115A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and 116placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or 117rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results 118from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball 119and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the 120ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical 121phenomena. 122 -- Donald A. Metz 123% 124A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no 125responsibility at the other. 126% 127A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. 128 -- Carl Sandburg 129% 130A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out 131of a divorce. 132 -- Don Quinn 133% 134A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining 135and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 136 -- Mark Twain 137% 138A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it 139adds up to be real money. 140 -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen 141% 142A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. 143% 144A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 145% 146A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. 147% 148... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you 149have turned into a pile of dust. 150% 151A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have 152enlightened him with ours. 153% 154A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well 155as afterward. 156% 157A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the 158poor to protect them from each other. 159% 160A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. 161% 162A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not 163mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty 164trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. 165 -- Dave Barry 166% 167A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. 168% 169A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. 170Avoid him. He's a Commie. 171% 172A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but 173won't cross the street to vote in a national election. 174 -- Bill Vaughan 175% 176A city is a large community where people are lonesome together 177 -- Herbert Prochnow 178% 179A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody 180wants to read. 181 -- Mark Twain 182% 183A closed mouth gathers no foot. 184% 185A computer, to print out a fact, 186Will divide, multiply, and subtract. 187 But this output can be 188 No more than debris, 189If the input was short of exact. 190 -- Gigo 191% 192A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. 193% 194A CONS is an object which cares. 195 -- Bernie Greenberg. 196% 197A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it 198is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. 199% 200A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. 201 -- Dyer 202% 203A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the 204damned things is ample. 205 -- Rebecca West 206% 207A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. 208 -- Ben Franklin 209% 210A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 211And had an affair with a Saracen. 212 She was not oversexed, 213 Or jealous or vexed, 214She just wanted to make a comparison. 215% 216A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen 217lantern. 218 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 219% 220A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? 221% 222A day without sunshine is like night. 223% 224A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur 225coat. 226% 227A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that 228you will look forward to the trip. 229% 230 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was 231eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality 232test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." 233 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into 234the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". 235% 236A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ... 237% 238 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing 239about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their 240arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon 241the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because 242Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply 243incredible surgical feat." 244 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the 245Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of 246that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an 247architect." 248 The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, 249"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" 250% 251A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. 252 -- Ogden Nash 253% 254A dozen, a gross, and a score, 255Plus three times the square root of four, 256 Divided by seven, 257 Plus five times eleven, 258Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. 259% 260A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a 261Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. 262Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network 263with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the 264Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly 265pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while 266simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick 267Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. 268% 269A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the 270subject. 271 -- Winston Churchill 272% 273A fool must now and then be right by chance. 274% 275A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into 276superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. 277 -- G. B. Shaw 278% 279A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block 280of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an 281elephant. 282% 283A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. 284 -- D. Gries 285% 286"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch 287dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension." 288 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" 289% 290A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. 291 -- Adlai Stevenson 292% 293A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than 294he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men 295favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter 296facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. 297 -- H. L. Mencken 298% 299A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding 300ducks. 301 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 302% 303A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. 304A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. 305But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*. 306 -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" 307% 308A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort 309of). 310% 311A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened 312into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the 313hope of greening the landscape of idea. 314 -- John Ciardi 315% 316A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely 317rearranging their prejudices. 318 -- William James 319% 320A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest 321man a century. 322% 323A hypothetical paradox: 324 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security 325team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of 326Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? 327 -- Tom Galloway 328% 329A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. 330C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. 331E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. 332G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. 333I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. 334K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. 335M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui. 336O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl 337Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. 338S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. 339U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. 340W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice. 341Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. 342 -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines" 343% 344A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 345% 346A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide 347who has the better lawyer. 348 -- Robert Frost 349% 350A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 351% 352A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 353% 354A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 355% 356A lady with one of her ears applied 357To an open keyhole heard, inside, 358Two female gossips in converse free -- 359The subject engaging them was she. 360"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks 361That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" 362As soon as no more of it she could hear 363The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 364"I will not stay," she said with a pout, 365"To hear my character lied about!" 366 -- Gopete Sherany 367% 368A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is 369not worth knowing. 370% 371A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program 372in than some that do. 373 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 374% 375A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work 376by being declared to work. 377 -- Anatol Holt 378% 379A Law of Computer Programming: 380 Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you 381will find the programmers cannot write in English. 382% 383A limerick packs laughs anatomical 384Into space that is quite economical. 385 But the good ones I've seen 386 So seldom are clean, 387And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 388% 389A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of 390nothing. 391% 392A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. 393 -- H. H. Munroe 394% 395A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. 396% 397A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any 398price. 399% 400A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in 401his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and 402exceptional ability in that particular field." 403% 404A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. 405 -- Steve Wright 406% 407A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I 408believe everything positively stinks. 409 -- Lew Col 410% 411 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The 412first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. 413 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow 414and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." 415 "But the collar is up around my ears!" 416 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a 417little more ... that's it." 418 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. 419 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you 420go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." 421 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the 422street. Reba and Florence see him go by. 423 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" 424 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." 425 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 426% 427A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" 428 429"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a 430sense of obligation." 431 -- Stephen Crane 432% 433A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. 434% 435 A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his 436novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how 437insignificant," said the master. 438 439 "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. 440 441 "It is," came the reply. 442 443 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. 444 445 "It is even in a video game," said the master. 446 447 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" 448 449 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The 450lesson is over for today," he said. 451 -- "The Tao of Programming" 452% 453A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. 454% 455A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed 456on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new 457game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the 458pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly 459along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their 460heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn 461around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite 462direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the 463paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin 464colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins 465fall over gently onto their backs. 466 -- Audobon Society Magazine 467% 468 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at 469the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the 470pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite 471nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." 472 "If what?" asked the composer. 473 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" 474% 475A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out 476on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed 477loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom 478do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" 479% 480A new dramatist of the absurd 481Has a voice that will shortly be heard. 482 I learn from my spies 483 He's about to devise 484An unprintable three-letter word. 485% 486A new koan: 487 488 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. 489 490 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. 491 492It is an ice cream koan. 493% 494A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. 495Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now 496has no excuse for further procrastination. 497% 498A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies 499insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the 500right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. 501% 502A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the 503rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. 504% 505 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which 506removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to 507doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous 508amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware 509limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the 510larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient 511power-down sequence. 512 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the 513building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has 514bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer 515cool. 516% 517A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power 518off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: 519"You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no 520understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off 521and on. The machine worked. 522% 523A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. 524% 525A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. 526 -- Gloria Steinem 527% 528A penny saved is ridiculous. 529% 530A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. 531% 532A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. 533 -- George Wald 534% 535A pig is a jolly companion, 536Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- 537A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 538Though mountains may topple and tilt. 539When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, 540When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, 541Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, 542You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, 543You'll never go wrong with a pig! 544 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 545% 546 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling 547 by Mark Twain 548 549 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped 550to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer 551be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained 552would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 553might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the 554same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with 555"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. 556 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear 557with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 558or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. 559Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi 560ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz 561ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. 562 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud 563hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. 564% 565"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!" 566 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra" 567% 568A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? 569 570And he answered: 571 572It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. 573 574It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. 575 576It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City 577upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come 578to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. 579 580And that is Fate? said the priest. 581 582Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. 583 584That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was 585too. 586 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 587% 588 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came 589upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. 590"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow 591man". 592 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, 593he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." 594% 595A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 596% 597"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis 598of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite 599series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric 600precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from 601inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical 602accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality 603for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly 604defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the 605information in the first place." 606 -- IEEE Grid news magazine 607% 608A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that 609your wife will give you for free. 610% 611A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be 612too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which 613was intended for her preservation. 614 -- Colton 615% 616A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as 617"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if 618the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants 619to make a travesty of the game. 620 -- Donald A. Metz 621% 622"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked 623out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon." 624 -- Steel City News 625% 626"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives." 627% 628A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: 629 630Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, 631"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny 632bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the 633lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and 634breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the 635Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of 636the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt 637thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then 638proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being 639the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand 640Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, 641shall snuff it." 642 -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" 643% 644A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices 645that the system works. 646% 647A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and 648the real reason. 649% 650A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen 651objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer 652scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added 653concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three 654dimensional objects ... 655% 656A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may 657not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized 658rosewater. 659% 660A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man 661contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. 662 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 663% 664A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will 665keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those 666that are worth committing. 667 -- Samuel Butler 668% 669 A Severe Strain on the Credulity 670 671As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest 672parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket 673is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one 674considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one 675begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really 676starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor 677maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. 678Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing 679of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to 680re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum 681against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the 682knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. 683 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 684% 685A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard 686 -- Prof. Steiner 687% 688... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he 689was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 690 -- Mark Twain 691% 692A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 693 -- O'Henry 694% 695A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many 696bad measures. 697 -- Daniel Webster 698% 699A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an 700exam. 701% 702A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to 703Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it 704true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as 705Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt 706shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick. 707% 708A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something 709undreamed of by its author. 710 -- S. C. Johnson 711% 712A tautology is a thing which is tautological. 713% 714A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, 715and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. 716 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 717% 718A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by 719blowing first. 720% 721A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene 722triangle. 723% 724A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 725% 726A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest 727in students. 728 -- John Ciardi 729% 730"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly." 731 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin 732% 733A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, 734Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. 735 She found a good way 736 To combine work and play: 737She sells C shells by the seashore. 738% 739A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature 740replaces it with. 741 -- Tennessee Williams 742% 743A very intelligent turtle 744Found programming UNIX a hurdle 745 The system, you see, 746 Ran as slow as did he, 747And that's not saying much for the turtle. 748% 749A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without 750getting nervous. 751% 752A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets 753people's attention. 754% 755"A witty saying proves nothing." 756 -- Voltaire 757% 758"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to 759admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact 760remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one 761reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It 762is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of 763using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these 764matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times." 765 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII 766% 767A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe 768in God. 769% 770A.A.A.A.A.: 771 An organization for drunks who drive 772% 773AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! 774You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! 775% 776Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. 777% 778"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the 779ends." 780 -- Herbert Hoover 781% 782Absence makes the heart go wander. 783% 784Absent, adj.: 785 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; 786slandered. 787% 788Absentee, n.: 789 A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove 790himself from the sphere of exaction. 791 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 792% 793Abstainer, n.: 794 A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a 795pleasure. 796 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 797% 798Absurdity, n.: 799 A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own 800opinion. 801 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 802% 803Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, 804because the stakes are so low. 805 -- Wallace Sayre 806% 807Accident, n.: 808 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of 809body is better. 810% 811Accidents cause History. 812 813If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the 814Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not 815have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil 816could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and 817the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. 818 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 819% 820According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person 821shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than 822fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening 823of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of 824the returns." 825% 826According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least 827once a year. 828% 829According to my best recollection, I don't remember. 830 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo 831% 832According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are 833totally worthless. 834% 835According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never 836dies. 837% 838"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to 839live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came 840in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. 841Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime." 842 -- David Letterman 843% 844Accordion, n.: 845 A bagpipe with pleats. 846% 847Accuracy, n.: 848 The vice of being right 849% 850 ACHTUNG!!! 851 852Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy 853schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit 854spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das 855rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und 856vatch das blinkenlights!!! 857% 858Acid -- better living through chemistry. 859% 860Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality. 861% 862Acquaintance, n.: 863 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well 864enough to lend to. 865 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 866% 867"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from 868coughing." 869% 870Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had 871 everyone glued in their seats!" 872Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of 873 it!" 874% 875Actor: So what do you do for a living? 876Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving 877 dishes for Chinese restaurants. 878 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 879% 880Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. 881% 882ADA, n.: 883 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 884Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA 885awareness." 886% 887Admiration, n.: 888 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. 889 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 890% 891Adolescence, n.: 892 The stage between puberty and adultery. 893% 894"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look 895like you ..." 896 -- Gilda Radner 897% 898Adore, v.: 899 To venerate expectantly. 900 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 901% 902Adult, n.: 903 One old enough to know better. 904% 905Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest 906way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. 907 -- Sinclair Lewis 908% 909Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, 910then at least be asceptic. 911% 912After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose 913names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary 914Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted 915many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi 916Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two 917different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current 918developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer 919attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led 920to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, 921skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously 922injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it 923hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact 924that it sinks like a stone. 925 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 926% 927After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. 928It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life 929more advanced than the lichen family. 930 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly 931 Do" 932% 933After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. 934% 935"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known 936quotations." 937 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare 938% 939After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not 940for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have 941simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. 942 -- P. J. O'Rourke 943% 944After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found 945on the bench. 946% 947 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from 948Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, 949and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon 950to be created." 951 "This is true," He replied. 952 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. 953 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the 954right to make his laws?" 955 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to 956make his own." 957 It was so granted. 958 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 959% 960"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of 961the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the 962cost to others, to win advancement." 963 -- Norman Thomas 964% 965After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? 966% 967After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe 968everything. Just in case. 969% 970After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access 971cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been 972removed. 973% 974Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a 975change. 976% 977Afternoon, n.: 978 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the 979morning. 980% 981Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. 982 -- Dorothy Parker 983% 984Age, n.: 985 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we 986still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise 987to commit. 988 -- Ambrose Bierce 989% 990Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. 991% 992Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, 993there's the rub. 994 995For all dreams are not equal, 996some exit to nightmare 997most end with the dreamer 998 999But at least one must be lived ... and died. 1000% 1001"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the 1002Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact 1003that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately 1004unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep 1005up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." 1006 -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic 1007% 1008Air is water with holes in it 1009% 1010Alas, I am dying beyond my means. 1011 -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed 1012% 1013Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire 1014telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New 1015York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? 1016And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they 1017receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." 1018% 1019Alden's Laws: 1020 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 1021 of pregnancy. 1022 (2) Always be backlit. 1023 (3) Sit down whenever possible. 1024% 1025Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, 1026Aleph-null bottles of beer, 1027 You take one down, and pass it around, 1028Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. 1029% 1030Alex Haley was adopted! 1031% 1032Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting 1033for a dial tone. 1034% 1035Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of 1036them keeps paying for it. 1037 -- Peggy Joyce 1038% 1039All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent 1040upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a 1041visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is 1042informing, stimulating and ennobling. 1043 -- H. L. Mencken 1044% 1045All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely 1046than others. 1047 -- Alan Truscott 1048% 1049All extremists should be taken out and shot. 1050% 1051All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing 1052without thinking. 1053% 1054"All flesh is grass" 1055 -- Isiah 1056Smoke a friend today. 1057% 1058All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 1059% 1060All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own 1061importance. 1062% 1063All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled 1064by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... 1065% 1066All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power 1067 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 1068% 1069All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are 1070Socrates. 1071 -- Woody Allen 1072% 1073"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us 1074sane." 1075% 1076"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more 1077specific." 1078 -- Jane Wagner 1079% 1080All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. 1081 -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr. 1082% 1083All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of 1084the United States. 1085 -- Vic Gold 1086% 1087All power corrupts, but we need electricity. 1088% 1089All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. 1090% 1091All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of 1092every organism to live beyond its income. 1093 -- Samuel Butler 1094% 1095All science is either physics or stamp collecting. 1096 -- E. Rutherford 1097% 1098"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right 1099hands." 1100 -- Saint Patrick 1101% 1102All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. 1103% 1104All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, 1105too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you 1106subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you 1107can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. 1108Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax 1109decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What 1110if it rains?" 1111 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 1112% 1113"... all the modern inconveniences ..." 1114 -- Mark Twain 1115% 1116All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most 1117ridiculous ones. 1118 -- La Rochefoucauld 1119% 1120All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by 1121the government in less than a second. 1122 -- Jim Fiebig 1123% 1124All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. 1125 -- Sean O'Casey 1126% 1127All the world's a VAX, 1128And all the coders merely butchers; 1129They have their exits and their entrails; 1130And one int in his time plays many widths, 1131His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant, 1132Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. 1133And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, 1134And shining morning face, creeping like slug 1135Unwillingly to school. 1136 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 1137% 1138All theoretical chemistry is really physics; 1139and all theoretical chemists know it. 1140 -- Richard P. Feynman 1141% 1142All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door. 1143% 1144All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for 1145fun. Money's just the way we keep score. 1146% 1147All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. 1148% 1149All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes 1150infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in 1151which he was born. 1152 -- Francois Fenelon 1153% 1154Alliance, n.: 1155 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have 1156their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot 1157separately plunder a third. 1158 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1159% 1160Alone, adj.: 1161 In bad company. 1162 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1163% 1164Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight 1165Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. 1166 -- Dave Barry 1167% 1168Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. 1169% 1170Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, 1171mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have 1172any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place 1173to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, 1174Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a 1175serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the 1176same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely 1177that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A 1178penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job 1179running the post office. 1180 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 1181% 1182Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been 1183reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the 1184day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable 1185interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on 1186pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, 1187and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. 1188Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous 1189material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the 1190management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion 1191the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical 1192Gamekeeping." 1193 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) 1194% 1195Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid 1196back. 1197% 1198Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. 1199% 1200"Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing 1201that way." 1202% 1203Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. 1204% 1205 AMAZING BUT TRUE ... 1206 1207If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end 1208across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. 1209% 1210 AMAZING BUT TRUE ... 1211 1212There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it 1213would completely cover the Sahara Desert. 1214% 1215Ambidextrous, adj.: 1216 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. 1217 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1218% 1219Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. 1220 -- Charlie McCarthy 1221% 1222America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism 1223to decadence without touching civilization. 1224 -- John O'Hara 1225% 1226America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, 1227until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and 1228changed its name to "America". 1229 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 1230% 1231American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective 1232employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for 1233employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference 1234between the men's room and the women's room without having little 1235pictures on the doors. 1236 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" 1237% 1238"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it." 1239% 1240An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because 1241people refuse to see it. 1242 -- James Michener, "Space" 1243% 1244An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but 1245is always polite to traffic cops. 1246% 1247"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to 1248New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but 1249not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax." 1250 -- David Letterman 1251% 1252An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. 1253% 1254 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He 1255knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with 1256great restraint. 1257 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and 1258embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away 1259to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, 1260and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of 1261that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. 1262 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. 1263When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will 1264confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, 1265and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that 1266are particular and not generalizable. 1267 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using 1268all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first 1269one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". 1270 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 1271% 1272An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. 1273% 1274An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree 1275murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's 1276mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. 1277Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the 1278suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a 1279murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." 1280% 1281An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you 1282really care to know. 1283% 1284An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. 1285% 1286An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. 1287% 1288An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded 1289summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your 1290arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey 1291responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" 1292% 1293An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. 1294 -- A. P. Herbert 1295% 1296An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He 1297wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is 1298advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and 1299Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in 1300incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote 1301excellence: 1302 1303"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and 1304discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able 1305to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting 1306things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch 1307parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a 1308timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who 1309doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. 1310Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high 1311school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as 1312successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and 1313they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." 1314 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 1315% 1316An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. 1317% 1318"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often 1319picturesque liar." 1320 -- Mark Twain 1321% 1322An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these 1323eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as 1324possible. 1325 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" 1326% 1327An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. 1328% 1329 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity 1330in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. 1331 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if 1332you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like 1333an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an 1334hour seems like a minute." 1335 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a 1336moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" 1337 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 1338% 1339"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge." 1340% 1341Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no 1342government at all. 1343% 1344And as we stand on the edge of darkness 1345Let our chant fill the void 1346That others may know 1347 1348 In the land of the night 1349 The ship of the sun 1350 Is drawn by 1351 The grateful dead. 1352 1353 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. 1354% 1355... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. 1356% 1357And I heard Jeff exclaim, 1358As they strolled out of sight, 1359"Merry Christmas to all -- 1360You take credit cards, right?" 1361 -- "Outsiders" comic 1362% 1363... And malt does more than Milton can 1364To justify God's ways to man 1365 -- A. E. Housman 1366% 1367And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. 1368% 1369"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of 1370your own." 1371 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter 1372 Preposterous Words 1373% 1374And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and 1375fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it 1376looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One 1377approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin 1378is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then 1379of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides 1380gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this 1381procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom 1382youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and 1383Orson Welles. 1384 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 1385% 1386"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a 1387courtesy detail." 1388% 1389And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a 1390horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical 1391columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, 1392ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the 1393world. 1394 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" 1395% 1396 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" 1397asked the father of his little son. 1398 "Diet." 1399% 1400And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have 1401a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks 1402tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets 1403tragedy face to face, we have politics. 1404 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and 1405 Ground Cover" 1406% 1407Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. 1408Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes. 1409 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" 1410% 1411Angels we have heard on High 1412Tell us to go out and Buy. 1413 -- Tom Lehrer 1414% 1415Ankh if you love Isis. 1416% 1417Anoint, v.: 1418 To grease a king or other great functionary already 1419sufficiently slippery. 1420 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1421% 1422 Another Glitch in the Call 1423 ------- ------ -- --- ---- 1424 (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) 1425 1426We don't need no indirection 1427We don't need no flow control 1428No data typing or declarations 1429Did you leave the lists alone? 1430 1431 Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! 1432 1433Chorus: 1434 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. 1435 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. 1436% 1437Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 1438% 1439Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but 1440television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom 1441and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that 1442offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath. 1443 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly 1444 Do" 1445% 1446 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: 1447 1448(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 1449(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 1450(3) I don't know. 1451(4) Who cares? 1452(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, 1453 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. 1454(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my 1455 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and 1456 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of 1457 Papyrus Books). 1458% 1459Anthony's Law of Force: 1460 Don't force it; get a larger hammer. 1461% 1462Anthony's Law of the Workshop: 1463 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible 1464 corner of the workshop. 1465 1466Corollary: 1467 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike 1468 your toes. 1469% 1470Antonym, n.: 1471 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. 1472% 1473Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art. 1474 -- Charles McCabe 1475% 1476Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. 1477 -- Charles McCabe 1478% 1479Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a 1480representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a 1481representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone 1482capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. 1483 -- Richard Schickel 1484% 1485Any excuse will serve a tyrant. 1486 -- Aesop 1487% 1488Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that 1489this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a 1490whole week. 1491% 1492Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to 1493sell it. 1494% 1495Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche 1496-- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, 1497my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off 1498the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was 1499undoubtedly true. 1500 -- Solomon Short 1501% 1502Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. 1503 -- Sydney J. Harris 1504% 1505Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger 1506object. 1507% 1508Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to 1509exactly the point of most pressure. 1510 -- Milt Barber 1511% 1512Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. 1513 -- Rich Kulawiec 1514% 1515Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged 1516demo. 1517% 1518Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. 1519 -- Arthur C. Clarke 1520% 1521Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked 1522something. 1523% 1524Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. 1525 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 1526% 1527Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. 1528% 1529Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is 1530probably parked. 1531% 1532Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. 1533% 1534Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is 1535supposed to be doing at the moment. 1536 -- Robert Benchley 1537% 1538Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. 1539 -- Publius Syrus 1540% 1541Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with 1542none. 1543% 1544Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he 1545is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not 1546make messes in the house. 1547 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 1548% 1549Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. 1550 -- Samuel Goldwyn 1551% 1552Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. 1553 -- W. C. Fields 1554% 1555Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no 1556account be allowed to do the job. 1557 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 1558% 1559Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never 1560tried taking candy from a baby. 1561 -- Robin Hood 1562% 1563Anything free is worth what you pay for it. 1564% 1565Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. 1566% 1567Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. 1568% 1569Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the 1570price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" 1571means the price went way up. 1572% 1573Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. 1574% 1575Anything worth doing is worth overdoing 1576% 1577"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution" 1578% 1579Aphorism, n.: 1580 A concise, clever statement. 1581Afterism, n.: 1582 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. 1583 -- James Alexander Thom 1584% 1585APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of 1586the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of 1587coding bums. 1588% 1589"APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I 1590can't read any of them." 1591 -- Roy Keir 1592% 1593Aquadextrous, adj.: 1594 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off 1595with your toes. 1596 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1597% 1598AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) 1599 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. 1600 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to 1601 be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same 1602 mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. 1603% 1604Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: 1605 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing 1606general can be said." 1607% 1608ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- 1609 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE 1610% 1611Are you a turtle? 1612% 1613Are you a turtle? 1614% 1615"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." 1616 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 1617% 1618ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) 1619 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You 1620 are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are 1621 not very nice. 1622% 1623Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your 1624shoes. 1625 -- Mickey Mouse 1626% 1627Armadillo: 1628 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle 1629% 1630Arnold's Laws of Documentation: 1631 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. 1632 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. 1633 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the 1634 first two laws. 1635% 1636Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to 1637measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you 1638imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? 1639 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 1640% 1641Art is anything you can get away with. 1642 -- Marshall McLuhan. 1643% 1644Art is either plagiarism or revolution. 1645 -- Paul Gauguin 1646% 1647Arthur's Laws of Love: 1648 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 1649 remind them of someone else. 1650 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be 1651 delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of 1652 yourself in person. 1653% 1654Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. 1655% 1656As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are 1657interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick 1658perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, 1659"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ... 1660 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 1661% 1662"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual 1663certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I 1664became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can 1665meet girls." 1666 -- Matt Cartmill 1667% 1668As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not 1669certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. 1670 -- Albert Einstein 1671% 1672As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. 1673 -- Weisert 1674% 1675As I was going up Punch Card Hill, 1676 Feeling worse and worser, 1677There I met a C.R.T. 1678 And it drop't me a cursor. 1679 1680C.R.T., C.R.T., 1681 Phosphors light on you! 1682If I had fifty hours a day 1683 I'd spend them all at you. 1684 1685 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 1686% 1687As I was passing Project MAC, 1688I met a Quux with seven hacks. 1689Every hack had seven bugs; 1690Every bug had seven manifestations; 1691Every manifestation had seven symptoms. 1692Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, 1693How many losses at Project MAC? 1694% 1695As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great 1696industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free 1697speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to 1698myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a 1699real American talk like that. 1700 -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) 1701% 1702As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? 1703% 1704As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its 1705fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be 1706popular. 1707 -- Oscar Wilde 1708% 1709As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. 1710% 1711"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 1712programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging." 1713 -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new 1714 computer system. 1715% 1716As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it 1717wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had 1718to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized 1719that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in 1720finding mistakes in my own programs. 1721 -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 1722% 1723As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's 1724so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. 1725 -- Woody Allen 1726% 1727As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there 1728is always a future in Computer Maintenance. 1729 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1730% 1731As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free 1732variable." 1733% 1734As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple 1735memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time 1736to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, 1737E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. 1738 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" 1739% 1740As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would 1741interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the 1742Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure 1743out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on 1744Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual 1745organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, 1746birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never 1747see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and 1748stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations 1749with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are 1750talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both 1751highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. 1752 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 1753 Teen Should Know" 1754% 1755As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull 1756your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you. 1757The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along 1758with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall 1759from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all 1760over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of 1761a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the 1762spider is suing you for damages. 1763% 1764As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." 1765% 1766ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. 1767% 1768Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if 1769one went to Harvard). 1770 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 1771% 1772Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls. 1773% 1774Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the 1775Station-to-Station rate. 1776% 1777Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the 1778bathtub, it tolls for thee. 1779% 1780Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" 1781for an answer. 1782% 1783"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old 1784woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, 1785she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'" 1786 -- David Letterman 1787% 1788Ass, n.: 1789 The masculine of "lass". 1790% 1791Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. 1792Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be 1793strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. 1794Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check 1795and dying broke. 1796 -- Stanley Walker 1797% 1798"At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los 1799Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head 1800under the exhaust of a bus until he revived." 1801% 1802At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is 1803not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where 1804it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. 1805 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow 1806% 1807At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial 1808challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. 1809 -- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985 1810% 1811At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial 1812challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. 1813 -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985 1814% 1815... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. 1816 -- J. B. White 1817% 1818"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents" 1819% 1820At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his 1821thumb with a hammer. 1822 -- Marshall Lumsden 1823% 1824At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will 1825find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on 1826the computer. 1827% 1828Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole 1829or street lamp. 1830% 1831Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. 1832 -- Winston Churchill 1833% 1834Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever 1835depths they were once able to plumb. 1836 -- Stanley Kaufman 1837% 1838Automobile, n.: 1839 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down 1840pedestrians. 1841% 1842Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. 1843 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1844% 1845Avoid reality at all costs. 1846% 1847"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but 1848we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you." 1849 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student 1850% 1851Bacchus, n.: 1852 A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for 1853getting drunk. 1854 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1855% 1856Bagbiter: 1857 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually 1858intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This 1859bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on 1860obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the 1861bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, 1862CHOMPER, CHOMPING. 1863% 1864Bagdikian's Observation: 1865 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American 1866newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a 1867ukelele. 1868% 1869Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: 1870 A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides 1871by governors. 1872% 1873Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. 1874% 1875Banectomy, n.: 1876 The removal of bruises on a banana. 1877 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1878% 1879Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. 1880% 1881Barach's Rule: 1882 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own 1883physician. 1884% 1885Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the 1886floor -- especially in the dark. 1887% 1888Barometer, n.: 1889 An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we 1890are having. 1891 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1892% 1893Barth's Distinction: 1894 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two 1895types, and those who don't. 1896% 1897Baruch's Observation: 1898 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. 1899% 1900Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high 1901taxes. 1902 -- Will Rogers 1903% 1904Basic is a high level languish. 1905APL is a high level anguish. 1906% 1907"BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'." 1908% 1909Basic, n.: 1910 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in 1911that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. 1912% 1913Bathquake, n.: 1914 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water 1915faucet is turned on to a certain point. 1916 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1917% 1918Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your 1919door. 1920% 1921BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) 1922% 1923Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely 1924get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your 1925face. 1926 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1927% 1928Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. 1929% 1930Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. 1931 -- Mark Twain 1932% 1933Be different: conform. 1934% 1935Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so 1936get used to it. 1937% 1938Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake. 1939% 1940Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and 1941miss 1942 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 1943% 1944Bees are very busy souls 1945They have no time for birth controls 1946And that is why in times like these 1947There are so many Sons of Bees. 1948% 1949 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and 1950took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his 1951followers. 1952 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and 1953there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. 1954 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his 1955commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your 1956Purpose in Life, anyway?" 1957 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The 1958Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) 1959 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. 1960 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. 1961 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1962% 1963Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's 1964ego. 1965% 1966Begathon, n.: 1967 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so 1968you won't have to watch commercials. 1969% 1970Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh 1971away. 1972% 1973Beifeld's Principle: 1974 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and 1975receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is 1976already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better 1977looking and richer male friend. 1978% 1979"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> 1980% 1981"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> 1982% 1983Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. 1984% 1985Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: 1986 (1) Houses are for people to live in. 1987 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. 1988 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. 1989% 1990"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" 1991 -- Time Bandits 1992% 1993Besides the device, the box should contain: 1994 1995* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" 1996 1997* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two 1998 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. 1999 2000YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram 2001cable. 2002 2003IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your 2004spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car 2005that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King 2006without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's 2007why." 2008 2009WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. 2010 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 2011% 2012Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon. 2013% 2014better !pout !cry 2015better watchout 2016lpr why 2017santa claus <north pole >town 2018 2019cat /etc/passwd >list 2020ncheck list 2021ncheck list 2022cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist 2023cat list | grep nice >giftlist 2024santa claus <north pole > town 2025 2026who | grep sleeping 2027who | grep awake 2028who | egrep 'bad|good' 2029for (goodness sake) { 2030 be good 2031} 2032% 2033Better dead than mellow. 2034% 2035Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson 2036Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. 2037Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and 2038great effort pushing boulders into a single word. 2039 2040It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. 2041Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin 2042equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the 2043destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass 2044both Parliament and Party. 2045 2046It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other 2047planets, this may be the first message received from us. 2048 -- The Realist, November, 1964. 2049% 2050"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not 2051tried it." 2052 -- Donald Knuth 2053% 2054Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! 2055% 2056Beware of low-flying butterflies. 2057% 2058Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. 2059 -- Leonard Brandwein 2060% 2061Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a 2062drip under pressure. 2063% 2064"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and 2065finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of 2066murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by 2067their ignorance the hard way." 2068 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" 2069% 2070Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but 2071nothing of interest is easy. 2072% 2073Binary, adj.: 2074 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. 2075% 2076"Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same 2077thing as division." 2078% 2079Bipolar, adj.: 2080 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, 2081New York 2082% 2083Birth, n.: 2084 The first and direst of all disasters. 2085 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2086% 2087Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic 2088% 2089Bizoos, n.: 2090 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a 2091basketball. 2092 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2093% 2094... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... 2095% 2096Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt. 2097% 2098Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as 2099Wheels. 2100% 2101BLISS is ignorance 2102% 2103Blood flows down one leg and up the other. 2104% 2105Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. 2106% 2107Blore's Razor: 2108 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is 2109funnier. 2110% 2111Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in 2112plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has 2113it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was 2114arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept 2115throwing up on them. 2116% 2117Boling's postulate: 2118 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. 2119% 2120Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: 2121 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so 2122vividly manifests their lack of progress. 2123% 2124Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: 2125 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 2126% 2127BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! 2128% 2129Boob's Law: 2130 You always find something in the last place you look. 2131% 2132Bore, n.: 2133 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. 2134 -- Walter Winchell 2135% 2136Bore, n.: 2137 A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 2138 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2139% 2140Boren's Laws: 2141 (1) When in charge, ponder. 2142 (2) When in trouble, delegate. 2143 (3) When in doubt, mumble. 2144% 2145Boss, n.: 2146 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages 2147the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, 2148in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an 2149ornamental stud." 2150% 2151Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry 2152that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation 2153straightened out for a crowbar. 2154 -- O. W. Holmes 2155% 2156Boston, n.: 2157 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for 2158finishing second in the Irish jig competition. 2159% 2160"Boy, life takes a long time to live 2161 -- Steven Wright 2162% 2163Boy, n.: 2164 A noise with dirt on it. 2165% 2166Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least 2167when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. 2168 -- James Thurber 2169% 2170Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. 2171 -- Kin Hubbard 2172% 2173Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the 2174unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only 2175(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend 2176to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' 2177 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking 2178 Style" 2179% 2180Bradley's Bromide: 2181 If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a 2182committee -- that will do them in. 2183% 2184Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: 2185 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more 2186easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have 2187handled this?" 2188% 2189Brain fried -- Core dumped 2190% 2191Brain, n.: 2192 The apparatus with which we think that we think. 2193 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2194% 2195Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: 2196 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of 2197error in an opponent. 2198 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2199% 2200Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, 2201since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. 2202 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 2203% 2204Bride, n.: 2205 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 2206 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2207% 2208Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may 2209revitalize the corner saloon. 2210% 2211British Israelites: 2212 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of 2213Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by 2214Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further 2215believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the 2216Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in 2217the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your 2218head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. 2219 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 2220% 2221Broad-mindedness, n.: 2222 The result of flattening high-mindedness out. 2223% 2224Brontosaurus Principle: 2225 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them 2226in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when 2227this occurs, they are an endangered species. 2228 -- Thomas K. Connellan 2229% 2230Brook's Law: 2231 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later 2232% 2233Brooke's Law: 2234 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool 2235discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it 2236beyond recognition. 2237% 2238Bubble Memory, n.: 2239 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's 2240intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". 2241% 2242Bucy's Law: 2243 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 2244% 2245Bug, n.: 2246 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the 2247programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he 2248wrote the program. 2249 2250Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. 2251 -- Ray Simard 2252% 2253Bugs, pl. n.: 2254 Small living things that small living boys throw on small 2255living girls. 2256% 2257BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the 2258 outfit." 2259GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" 2260BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." 2261 -- Jay Ward 2262% 2263Bumper sticker: 2264 2265"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British 2266manufacture" 2267% 2268Bureaucrat, n.: 2269 A person who cuts red tape sideways. 2270 -- J. McCabe 2271% 2272Bureaucrat, n.: 2273 A politician who has tenure. 2274% 2275Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise. 2276% 2277Burn's Hog Weighing Method: 2278 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a 2279 sawhorse. 2280 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. 2281 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again 2282 perfectly balanced. 2283 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. 2284 -- Robert Burns 2285% 2286... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can 2287easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed 2288and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) 2289upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was 2290without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based 2291on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court 2292was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and 2293sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, 2294human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. 2295 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2296% 2297"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations 2298paws." 2299% 2300"But I don't like Spam!!!!" 2301% 2302... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 2303intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as 2304we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues 2305that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding 2306of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard 2307example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- 2308makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing 2309whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a 2310finite or an infinite number. 2311 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 2312% 2313But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the 2314system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, 2315analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. 2316 -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing 2317 Compilers" 2318% 2319"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast 2320to the nearest gas station." 2321% 2322But scientists, who ought to know 2323Assure us that it must be so. 2324Oh, let us never, never doubt 2325What nobody is sure about. 2326 -- Hilaire Belloc 2327% 2328But soft you, the fair Ophelia: 2329Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, 2330But get thee to a nunnery -- go! 2331 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain 2332% 2333But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who 2334was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal 2335education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 23361877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of 2337American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was 2338invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he 2339invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant 2340adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends 2341electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the 2342electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant 2343part) sends it right back to the customer again. 2344 2345This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch 2346of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since 2347very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. 2348In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United 2349States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it 2350ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate 2351increases. 2352 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 2353% 2354"But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad 2355place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. 2356Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a 2357kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, 2358poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I 2359explained yet about the bytes?" 2360% 2361... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. 2362 -- Virginia Masters 2363% 2364"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable 2365computers?" 2366% 2367Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes 2368Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; 2369Less dear than army ants in apple pies 2370Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, 2371Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; 2372Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose 2373They suck, and like the double-breasted suit 2374Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, 2375Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; 2376And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: 2377Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; 2378Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. 2379Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, 2380Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. 2381% 2382By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task 2383completely overwhelm you. 2384% 2385"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, 2386it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to 2387invent. (R. Emerson)" 2388 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program 2389 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") 2390 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to 2391 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"] 2392% 2393"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began 2394to suspect 'Hungry' ..." 2395 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" 2396% 2397By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I 2398mean. 2399 -- Mark Twain 2400% 2401Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to 2402point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very 2403fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are 2404often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people 2405from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B 2406that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often 2407wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell 2408they wanted to be. 2409 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 2410% 2411C, n.: 2412 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more 2413like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or 2414anything else. It is either the best language available to the art 2415today, or it isn't. 2416 -- Ray Simard 2417% 2418Cabbage, n.: 2419 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as 2420a man's head. 2421 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2422% 2423"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception." 2424 -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 2425% 2426Cahn's Axiom: 2427 When all else fails, read the instructions. 2428% 2429California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. 2430 -- Fred Allen 2431% 2432California, n.: 2433 From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or 2434Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or 2435"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." 2436 -- Ed Moran 2437% 2438Call on God, but row away from the rocks. 2439 -- Indian proverb 2440% 2441"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target 2442Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept." 2443% 2444"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle." 2445 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 2446% 2447"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth 2448Corner, Vermont." 2449 -- Clarence Darrow 2450% 2451Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two 2452points. 2453 -- M. M. Johnston 2454% 2455Canada Bill Jone's Motto: 2456 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 2457 2458Supplement: 2459 A .44 magnum beats four aces. 2460% 2461Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents 2462for postage and 30 cents for storage. 2463 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial 2464 Post 2465% 2466Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? 2467Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, 2468A root or two, a torus and a node: 2469The inverse of my verse, a null domain. 2470 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2471% 2472CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 2473 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's 2474problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things 2475off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare 2476recipients are Cancer people. 2477% 2478Canonical, adj.: 2479 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true 2480story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some 2481annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a 2482point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and 2483eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used 2484the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking. 2485 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" 2486 Stallman: "What did he say?" 2487 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." 2488% 2489CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) 2490 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do 2491much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any 2492importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as 2493they take root and become trees. 2494% 2495Captain Penny's Law: 2496 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of 2497the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. 2498% 2499Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than 2500expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to 2501complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their 2502planning to reduce the time it takes. 2503% 2504Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and 2505trousers that don't match. 2506% 2507Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: 2508 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a 2509dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then 2510putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 2511 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2512% 2513Cat, n.: 2514 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. 2515% 2516Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. 2517 -- Mark Twain 2518% 2519Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. 2520% 2521CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. 2522% 2523Cecil, you're my final hope 2524Of finding out the true Straight Dope 2525For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat 2526But none of my cats are at all like that. 2527This unusual animal (so it is said) 2528Is simultaneously alive and dead! 2529What I don't understand is just why he 2530Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. 2531My future now hangs in between eigenstates. 2532In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. 2533If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way 2534And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. 2535But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, 2536Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. 2537 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium 2538 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams 2539% 2540Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. 2541% 2542Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the 2543center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation 2544works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool. 2545 -- Kelvin Throop III 2546% 2547Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, 2548how many? 2549% 2550Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. 2551Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something 2552Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy 2553 out of it? 2554Jaka: Ugh! 2555Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? 2556 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" 2557% 2558Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long 2559walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They 2560then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy 2561health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, 2562not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find 2563only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the 2564others who have tried it. 2565 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2566% 2567Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny-- 2568 Did you ever try buying them without money? 2569 -- Ogden Nash 2570% 2571 Chapter 1 2572 2573The story so far: 2574 2575 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot 2576of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. 2577% 2578Character Density, n.: 2579 The number of very weird people in the office. 2580% 2581Checkuary, n.: 2582 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and 2583ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his 2584checks. 2585% 2586Chef, n.: 2587 Any cook who swears in French. 2588% 2589Chemicals, n.: 2590 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. 2591% 2592Chemistry is applied theology. 2593 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III 2594% 2595Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. 2596% 2597Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: 2598 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn 2599headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". 2600 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 2601% 2602Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: 2603 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request 2604for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will 2605cheerfully baste you. 2606 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 2607% 2608Chicago, n.: 2609 Where the dead still vote ... early and often! 2610% 2611Chicken Little only has to be right once. 2612% 2613Chicken Little was right. 2614% 2615Chicken Soup, n.: 2616 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, 2617cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure 2618is neurotic dependence on one's mother. 2619 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 2620% 2621Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every 2622effort to teach them good manners. 2623% 2624Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're 2625going to catch you in next. 2626 -- Franklin P. Jones 2627% 2628Children aren't happy without something to ignore, 2629And that's what parents were created for. 2630 -- Ogden Nash 2631% 2632Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for 2633word what you shouldn't have said. 2634% 2635Chism's Law of Completion: 2636 The amount of time required to complete a government project is 2637precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. 2638% 2639Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: 2640 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. 2641% 2642Chivalry, Schmivalry! 2643 Roger the thief has a 2644 method he uses for 2645 sneaky attacks: 2646Folks who are reading are 2647 Characteristically 2648 Always Forgetting to 2649 Guard their own bac ... 2650% 2651Christ: 2652 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. 2653% 2654Churchill's Commentary on Man: 2655 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the 2656time he will pick himself up and continue on. 2657% 2658Cigarette, n.: 2659 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in 2660between. 2661% 2662Cinemuck, n.: 2663 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which 2664covers the floors of movie theaters. 2665 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2666% 2667Clairvoyant, n.: 2668 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that 2669which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. 2670 -- Ambrose Bierce 2671% 2672Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like 2673shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. 2674 -- Phyllis Diller 2675% 2676Cleanliness is next to impossible. 2677% 2678Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead. 2679% 2680"Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day." 2681% 2682Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. 2683% 2684Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on 2685society. 2686 -- Mark Twain 2687% 2688COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 2689% 2690Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. 2691% 2692Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- 2693"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." 2694 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2695% 2696"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong." 2697 -- Blair Houghton 2698% 2699Coincidence, n.: 2700 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was 2701going on. 2702% 2703Coincidences are spiritual puns. 2704 -- G. K. Chesterton 2705% 2706Cold, adj.: 2707 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. 2708% 2709Cold, adj.: 2710 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own 2711pockets. 2712% 2713Collaboration, n.: 2714 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the 2715other fellow can spell. 2716% 2717College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the 2718faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if 2719the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, 2720legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the 2721loss to humanity. 2722 -- H. L. Mencken 2723% 2724Colvard's Logical Premises: 2725 All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it 2726 won't. 2727 2728Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: 2729 This is especially true when dealing with someone you're 2730 attracted to. 2731 2732Grelb's Commentary 2733 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. 2734% 2735Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 2736And every vector dreams of matrices. 2737Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 2738It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 2739 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2740% 2741Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 2742Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 2743Their indices bedecked from one to _n, 2744Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 2745 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2746% 2747Command, n.: 2748 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in 2749such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. 2750% 2751 COMMENT 2752 2753Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, 2754A medley of extemporanea; 2755And love is thing that can never go wrong; 2756And I am Marie of Roumania. 2757 -- Dorothy Parker 2758% 2759Commitment, n.: 2760 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. 2761The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. 2762% 2763Committee Rules: 2764 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. 2765 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this 2766 stamps you as being wise. 2767 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the 2768 others. 2769 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. 2770 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you 2771 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. 2772% 2773Committee, n.: 2774 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group 2775decide that nothing can be done. 2776 -- Fred Allen 2777% 2778Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to 2779be appointed to do the work. 2780% 2781Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at 2782different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. 2783 -- Clive James 2784% 2785Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. 2786 -- Josh Billings 2787% 2788Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 2789 -- Albert Einstein 2790% 2791Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness 2792of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." 2793 -- David Guaspari 2794% 2795Computer programmers do it byte by byte 2796% 2797Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems 2798theory. 2799% 2800Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 2801% 2802Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. 2803 -- Pablo Picasso 2804% 2805Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in 2806the world that just don't add up. 2807% 2808Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more 2809than the estimate the job will cost. 2810% 2811Conceit causes more conversation than wit. 2812 -- LaRouchefoucauld 2813% 2814Concept, n.: 2815 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than 2816$25,000. 2817% 2818... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this 2819business, it probably would be gibberish. 2820 -- Thom McLeod 2821% 2822Condense soup, not books! 2823% 2824Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is 2825good for dandruff. 2826 -- Peter de Vries 2827% 2828Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the 2829situation. 2830% 2831Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that 2832would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that 2833you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer 2834maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS 2835OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY 2836UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED 2837IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD 2838WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND 2839SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, 2840RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, 2841RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE 2842FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? 2843 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 2844% 2845Connector Conspiracy, n: 2846 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the 2847KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of 2848manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) 2849to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old 2850stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive 2851interface devices. 2852% 2853Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. 2854 -- H. L. Mencken 2855% 2856Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking 2857 -- H. L. Mencken 2858% 2859Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 2860% 2861Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you 2862wish you weren't. 2863% 2864"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich." 2865 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] 2866% 2867Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then 2868give it back to them. 2869% 2870"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and 2871if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" 2872 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 2873% 2874"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern 2875technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat." 2876% 2877Conversation, n.: 2878 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath 2879is called the listener. 2880% 2881Conway's Law: 2882 In any organization there will always be one person who knows 2883 what is going on. 2884 2885 This person must be fired. 2886% 2887Coronation, n.: 2888 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and 2889visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite 2890bomb. 2891 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2892% 2893Corrupt, adj.: 2894 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. 2895% 2896Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a 2897muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can 2898make of capitalism. 2899 -- Walter Lippmann 2900% 2901Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job 2902is to enforce the law and fight crime. 2903 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan 2904% 2905Court, n.: 2906 A place where they dispense with justice. 2907 -- Arthur Train 2908% 2909Coward, n.: 2910 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 2911 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2912% 2913Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with 2914nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. 2915 -- Wernher von Braun 2916% 2917Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. 2918 -- A. E. Newman 2919% 2920Critic, n.: 2921 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries 2922to please him. 2923 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2924% 2925Croll's Query: 2926 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? 2927% 2928cursor address, n: 2929 "Hello, cursor!" 2930 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 2931% 2932"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It 2933eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the 2934business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." 2935 -- Johnny Hart 2936% 2937"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It 2938eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the 2939business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation." 2940 -- Johnny Hart 2941% 2942Cynic, n.: 2943 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not 2944as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking 2945out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 2946 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2947% 2948Cynic, n.: 2949 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced 2950eye. 2951% 2952Dare to be naive. 2953 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 2954% 2955Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. 2956% 2957Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." 2958Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." 2959% 2960Dawn, n.: 2961 The time when men of reason go to bed. 2962 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2963% 2964Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. 2965% 2966%DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory 2967VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears 2968% 2969Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also 2970easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to 2971improve. 2972% 2973Dear Lord: 2974 I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On 2975the other hand", again. 2976% 2977Dear Miss Manners: 2978 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's 2979elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between 2980courses, is all right. Which is correct? 2981 2982Gentle Reader: 2983 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home 2984economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this 2985principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now 2986than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners 2987believes that is. 2988% 2989Dear Miss Manners: 2990 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from 2991your face. 2992 2993Gentle Reader: 2994 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on 2995your face ... 2996% 2997Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part 2998of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old 2999will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a 3000commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as 3001"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a 3002table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always 3003says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean, 3004"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this 3005complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim 3006if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a 3007dead bat? 3008 3009Answer: Yes. 3010 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 3011% 3012Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? 3013 3014Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business 3015signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a 3016word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR 3017ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when 3018creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put 3019quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT 3020DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. 3021 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 3022% 3023Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. 3024% 3025Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. 3026 -- R. Geis 3027% 3028Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. 3029% 3030"Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'". 3031% 3032Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down 3033% 3034Death is only a state of mind. 3035 3036Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. 3037% 3038Death to all fanatics! 3039% 3040Decision maker, n.: 3041 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force 3042before the music stopped. 3043% 3044Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really 3045overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene 3046language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the 3047judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when 3048addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). 3049 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing 3050 Assoc. 3051% 3052 Deck Us All With Boston Charlie 3053 3054Deck us all with Boston Charlie, 3055Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! 3056Nora's freezin' on the trolley, 3057Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! 3058 3059Don't we know archaic barrel, 3060Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. 3061Trolley Molly don't love Harold, 3062Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! 3063 -- Walt Kelly 3064% 3065"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of 3066marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a 3067theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, 3068those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly 3069blessed. 3070 -- Randy Davis 3071% 3072default, n.: 3073 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, 3074mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will 3075come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. 3076 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 3077% 3078#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) 3079#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ 3080 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ 3081 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) 3082 3083 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word 3084% 3085 DELETE A FORTUNE! 3086 3087Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like 3088to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to 3089"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it 3090gets expunged. 3091% 3092Deliberation, n.: 3093 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is 3094buttered on. 3095 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3096% 3097"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow." 3098% 3099Demand the establishment of the government 3100in its rightful home at Disneyland. 3101% 3102Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than 3103we deserve. 3104 -- George Bernard Shaw 3105% 3106Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder 3107aloud what the country could do under first-class management. 3108 -- Senator Soaper 3109% 3110Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the 3111incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. 3112 -- G. B. Shaw 3113% 3114Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you 3115don't think. 3116% 3117Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by 3118Jackasses. 3119 -- H. L. Mencken 3120% 3121Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. 3122 -- Jawaharlal Nehru 3123% 3124Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people 3125are right more than half of the time. 3126 -- E. B. White 3127% 3128Democracy, n.: 3129 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass 3130meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. 3131Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. 3132Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, 3133whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, 3134prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. 3135Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. 3136 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), 3137 since withdrawn. 3138% 3139Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the 3140board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. 3141% 3142Dentist, n.: 3143 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls 3144coins out of one's pockets. 3145 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3146% 3147Despising machines to a man, 3148The Luddites joined up with the Klan, 3149 And ride out by night 3150 In a sheeting of white 3151To lynch all the robots they can. 3152 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson 3153% 3154Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will 3155be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over 3156the table. 3157 -- The Anarchist Cookbook 3158% 3159 DETERIORATA 3160 3161Go placidly amid the noise and waste, 3162And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. 3163Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. 3164Rotate your tires. 3165Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, 3166And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. 3167Know what to kiss -- and when. 3168Remember that two wrongs never make a right, 3169But that three do. 3170Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". 3171Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, 3172And despite the changing fortunes of time, 3173There is always a big future in computer maintenance. 3174 3175 You are a fluke of the universe ... 3176 You have no right to be here. 3177 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe 3178 Is laughing behind your back. 3179 -- National Lampoon 3180% 3181DeVries's Dilemma: 3182 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want 3183hits the paper. 3184% 3185Did I say 2? I lied. 3186% 3187Did you know ... 3188 3189That no-one ever reads these things? 3190% 3191Did you know that clones never use mirrors? 3192 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3193% 3194Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined 3195them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? 3196% 3197Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot 3198that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: 3199 3200 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and 3201 squirrel." 3202 3203 -- ihuxw!tommyo 3204% 3205Die, v.: 3206 To stop sinning suddenly. 3207 -- Elbert Hubbard 3208% 3209"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a 3210conventional thing to happen to him." 3211 -- John Barrymore's dying words 3212% 3213Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. 3214% 3215Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. 3216Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 3217% 3218Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. 3219% 3220Disc space -- the final frontier! 3221% 3222Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be 3223yours too." 3224 -- Dave Haynie 3225% 3226Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my 3227employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely 3228coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is 3229non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the 3230absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. 3231The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for 3232the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, 3233non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) 3234% 3235Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 3236% 3237Distinctive, adj.: 3238 A different color or shape than our competitors. 3239% 3240Distress, n.: 3241 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. 3242 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3243% 3244District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape 3245injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any 3246damage inflicted on the vehicle. 3247% 3248Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? 3249% 3250Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? 3251% 3252Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 3253% 3254Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon. 3255% 3256Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to 3257anger. 3258% 3259"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good 3260with ketchup." 3261% 3262Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. 3263Violators will be prosecuted. 3264(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) 3265% 3266Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. 3267% 3268Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each 3269day as it comes. 3270 -- Donald Kaul 3271% 3272Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. 3273% 3274Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. 3275% 3276Do you have lysdexia? 3277% 3278Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take 3279the time to take the dirt out of them? 3280% 3281"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" 3282"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 3283"I've never done anything illegal before." 3284"I thought you said you were an accountant!" 3285% 3286Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and 3287when it is bad, it is better than nothing. 3288 -- Dick Brandon 3289% 3290Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must 3291be good because the programmers hate it so much. 3292% 3293Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 3294% 3295Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 3296% 3297Don't be humble ... you're not that great. 3298 -- Golda Meir 3299% 3300Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. 3301% 3302Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! 3303 -- Joe Cointment 3304% 3305"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, 3306sincerely, extremely dangerously. 3307 3308They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. 3309They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They 3310used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used 3311finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used 3312fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. 3313They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. 3314They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. 3315They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And 3316what the hell, they caught him. 3317 3318 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the 3319 Tick-Tock Man" 3320% 3321Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! 3322% 3323Don't feed the bats tonight. 3324% 3325Don't get even -- get odd! 3326% 3327Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly 3328misleading. Debug only code. 3329 -- Dave Storer 3330% 3331"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes 3332you nothing. It was here first." 3333 -- Mark Twain 3334% 3335Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. 3336% 3337Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. 3338% 3339Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier. 3340% 3341Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. 3342% 3343Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. 3344% 3345Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking 3346distance. 3347% 3348Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. 3349% 3350Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. 3351% 3352Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy 3353it today you can do it again tomorrow. 3354% 3355"Don't say yes until I finish talking." 3356 -- Darryl F. Zanuck 3357% 3358Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. 3359Cheat. 3360 -- Ambrose Bierce 3361% 3362Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! 3363 -- "Brazil" 3364% 3365Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. 3366 -- Walt Kelly 3367% 3368Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive. 3369% 3370Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. 3371% 3372"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to 3373get more wax!!" 3374% 3375Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts 3376avoiding you. 3377 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac 3378% 3379"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any 3380good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats." 3381 -- Howard Aiken 3382% 3383Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already 3384tomorrow in Australia. 3385 -- Charles Schultz 3386% 3387Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too 3388busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. 3389% 3390Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? 3391% 3392Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she 3393 pretty? 3394W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of 3395 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to 3396 sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. 3397Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. 3398W. C.: It's almost impossible. 3399 -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson 3400 E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" 3401% 3402 Double Bucky 3403 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") 3404 3405Double bucky, you're the one! 3406You make my keyboard lots of fun 3407 Double bucky, an additional bit or two: 3408(Vo-vo-de-o!) 3409Control and Meta side by side, 3410Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! 3411 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! 3412 3413Double bucky, left and right 3414OR'd together, outta sight! 3415 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of 3416 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of 3417 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! 3418 3419 -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr. 3420% 3421Double-Blind Experiment, n.: 3422 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is 3423fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a 3424belief in the tooth fairy. 3425% 3426Down with categorical imperative! 3427% 3428"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing." 3429% 3430Drew's Law of Highway Biology: 3431 The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front 3432of your eyes. 3433% 3434Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying. 3435% 3436Drive defensively. Buy a tank. 3437% 3438Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic 3439route! 3440% 3441Ducharme's Axiom: 3442 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize 3443yourself as part of the problem. 3444% 3445Ducharme's Precept: 3446 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. 3447% 3448Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and 3449it holds the universe together ... 3450 -- Carl Zwanzig 3451% 3452Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders 3453has been discontinued. 3454% 3455Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate 3456and captain of your soul. 3457% 3458Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been 3459discontinued. 3460% 3461 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen 3462were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a 3463red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, 3464"Hey, you almost hit my wife." 3465 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a 3466shot at mine, over there." 3467% 3468During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several 3469times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o 3470% 3471"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have 3472nothing whatever to do with it." 3473 -- W. Somerset Maugham 3474% 3475E Pluribus Unix 3476% 3477Eagleson's Law: 3478 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more 3479months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is 3480an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) 3481% 3482Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends 3483% 3484/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. 3485% 3486Earth is a beta site. 3487% 3488"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." 3489 -- Jeff Berner 3490% 3491Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: 3492 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the 3493cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of 3494the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this 3495means the puzzle is solved. 3496 -- Steve Rubenstein 3497% 3498 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. 3499% 3500"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work." 3501% 3502Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. 3503 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 3504% 3505Economics, n.: 3506 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. 3507Galbraith ... 3508 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 3509% 3510Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy 3511would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it 3512hasn't. 3513 -- Robert Orben 3514% 3515Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a 3516percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. 3517 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 3518% 3519Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. 3520 -- Fred Allen 3521% 3522Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. 3523 -- Irsin Edman 3524% 3525Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! 3526 -- Bullwinkle Moose 3527% 3528Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. 3529 -- Adlai Stevenson 3530% 3531Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many 3532people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable 3533comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where 3534the "nog" comes from. 3535 3536To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in 3537season, eggs... 3538% 3539Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain 3540of being a damned fool. 3541 -- Bellamy Brooks 3542% 3543Egotist, n.: 3544 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. 3545 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3546% 3547Ehrman's Commentary: 3548 (1) Things will get worse before they get better. 3549 (2) Who said things would get better? 3550% 3551Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. 3552 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star 3553% 3554Eleanor Rigby 3555 Sits at the keyboard 3556 And waits for a line on the screen 3557Lives in a dream 3558Waits for a signal 3559 Finding some code 3560 That will make the machine do some more. 3561What is it for? 3562 3563All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 3564All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 3565% 3566Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. 3567% 3568 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, 3569called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you 3570have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in 3571most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the 3572time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could 3573have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, 3574although God alone knows why it would want to. 3575 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, 3576direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes 3577have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one 3578direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents 3579harmful electron buildup in the wires. 3580 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 3581% 3582Electrocution, n.: 3583 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. 3584% 3585Elevators smell different to midgets 3586% 3587Emerson's Law of Contrariness: 3588 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we 3589can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. 3590% 3591Encyclopedia Salesmen: 3592 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police 3593and tell them your house is being burgled. 3594 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 3595% 3596Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. 3597Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. 3598 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 3599% 3600Entropy isn't what it used to be. 3601% 3602Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which 3603otherwise require harder thinking. 3604 -- Jerome Lettvin 3605% 3606Epperson's law: 3607 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably 3608something his wife can beat him at. 3609% 3610Equal bytes for women. 3611% 3612Error in operator: add beer 3613% 3614Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 3615 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 3616Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven 3617 Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. 3618 -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" 3619% 3620Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. 3621 -- Woody Allen 3622% 3623Etymology, n.: 3624 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that 3625were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed 3626from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" 3627("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." 3628 -- Mike Kellen 3629% 3630Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to 3631speak it to? 3632 -- Clarence Darrow 3633% 3634"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit 3635there." 3636 -- Will Rogers 3637% 3638"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral." 3639 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 3640% 3641Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United 3642States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a 3643day. 3644% 3645Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you 3646just how busy they are. 3647% 3648Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, 3649exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." 3650All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with 3651spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: 3652Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please 3653take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something? 3654My wife is available. No. How about ..." 3655 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 3656% 3657Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. 3658% 3659Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. 3660% 3661Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this 3662woman and stop her. 3663% 3664"Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one 3665idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's 3666sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all 3667of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two 3668highly-motivated, caustic twits." 3669 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet 3670% 3671Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired 3672signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not 3673fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not 3674spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the 3675genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way 3676of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is 3677humanity hanging on a cross of iron. 3678 -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 3679% 3680Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): 3681 3682Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in 3683front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an 3684odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even 3685and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of 3686legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, 3687there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse 3688of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same 3689color"], that does not exist. 3690% 3691Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. 3692 -- Frank Moore Colby 3693% 3694Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. 3695% 3696Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. 3697 -- Don Vonada 3698% 3699"Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95." 3700% 3701Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. 3702 -- Miguel de Cervantes 3703% 3704"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the 3705richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work" 3706 -- Robert Orben 3707% 3708Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. 3709 3710It makes sense, when you don't think about it. 3711% 3712Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one 3713instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every 3714program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. 3715% 3716Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and 3717another for which it wasn't. 3718% 3719Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. 3720% 3721Every solution breeds new problems. 3722% 3723Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no 3724guarantee of eventual success. 3725% 3726"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it." 3727% 3728Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. 3729 -- Beckett 3730% 3731Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 3732 -- Dykstra 3733% 3734Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 3735% 3736Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be 3737taught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers. 3738% 3739Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to 3740realize it. 3741% 3742Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic 3743formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the 3744scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact 3745wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of 3746existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to 3747discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the 3748problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the 3749mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, 3750one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely 3751different way ... 3752 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 3753% 3754Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it. 3755% 3756Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, 3757no one we know belongs. 3758% 3759Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being 3760that a belch is more satisfying. 3761 -- Ingmar Bergman 3762% 3763Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. 3764% 3765Everything you know is wrong! 3766% 3767Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 3768obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 3769solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. 3770There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 3771straight lines. 3772 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 3773% 3774 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping 3775mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as 3776"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you 3777how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", 3778"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night 3779So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. 3780 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 3781% 3782Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler. 3783% 3784Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. 3785% 3786Excellent day to have a rotten day. 3787% 3788Excellent time to become a missing person. 3789% 3790Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from 3791acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 3792 -- W. Somerset Maugham 3793% 3794Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. 3795% 3796Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do 3797the work. 3798 -- John G. Pollard 3799% 3800Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. 3801% 3802Expense Accounts, n.: 3803 Corporate food stamps. 3804% 3805Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 3806 -- Olivier 3807% 3808Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake 3809when you make it again. 3810 -- F. P. Jones 3811% 3812Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and 3813the instruction afterward. 3814% 3815Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old 3816ones. 3817% 3818Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. 3819% 3820Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 3821% 3822Expert, n.: 3823 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. 3824% 3825Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: 3826 3827 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE 3828 3829To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully 3830cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand 3831corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and 3832address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- 3833to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower 3834left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card 3835below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your 3836computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL 3837SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card 3838(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the 3839Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be 3840disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print 3841this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and 3842completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. 3843% 3844F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! 3845% 3846f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. 3847% 3848f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. 3849% 3850F: When into a room I plunge, I 3851 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. 3852 Then I linger, darkly brooding 3853 On the poison they're exuding. 3854 -- The Roguelet's ABC 3855% 3856Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. 3857% 3858Fairy Tale, n.: 3859 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. 3860% 3861Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic 3862without looking to see whether the seeds move. 3863% 3864Faith, n: 3865 That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be 3866untrue. 3867% 3868Fakir, n: 3869 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost 3870religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to 3871have shinnied up a rope and vanished. 3872% 3873Familiarity breeds attempt 3874% 3875Families, when a child is born 3876Want it to be intelligent. 3877I, through intelligence, 3878Having wrecked my whole life, 3879Only hope the baby will prove 3880Ignorant and stupid. 3881Then he will crown a tranquil life 3882By becoming a Cabinet Minister 3883 -- Su Tung-p'o 3884% 3885Famous last words: 3886% 3887Famous last words: 3888 (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." 3889 (2) "You and what army?" 3890 (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be 3891 a cop." 3892% 3893Famous last words: 3894 (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 3895 (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 3896 (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- 3897 (4) We won't need reservations. 3898 (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year. 3899 (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded. 3900 (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. 3901% 3902Famous, adj.: 3903 Conspicuously miserable. 3904 -- Ambrose Bierce 3905% 3906Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the 3907Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. 3908Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an 3909utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life 3910forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches 3911are a pretty neat idea ... 3912 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 3913% 3914Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it 3915every six months. 3916 -- Oscar Wilde 3917% 3918Fats Loves Madelyn 3919% 3920Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... 3921% 3922Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, 3923neither will you. 3924% 3925 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each 3926other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around 3927the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors 3928d'oeuvres. 3929 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes 3930to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your 3931Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright 3932piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. 3933 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with 3934inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down 3935other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and 3936placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when 3937the little hammers strike. 3938 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over 3939their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning 3940Christmas tree. The piano is missing. 3941 3942 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless 3943you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 39444. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. 3945% 3946Fifth Law of Applied Terror: 3947 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 3948 3949Corollary: 3950 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you 3951live. 3952% 3953Fifth Law of Procrastination: 3954 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that 3955there is nothing important to do. 3956% 3957Fifty flippant frogs 3958Walked by on flippered feet 3959And with their slime they made the time 3960Unnaturally fleet. 3961% 3962 FIGHTING WORDS 3963 3964Say my love is easy had, 3965 Say I'm bitten raw with pride, 3966Say I am too often sad -- 3967 Still behold me at your side. 3968 3969Say I'm neither brave nor young, 3970 Say I woo and coddle care, 3971Say the devil touched my tongue -- 3972 Still you have my heart to wear. 3973 3974But say my verses do not scan, 3975 And I get me another man! 3976 -- Dorothy Parker 3977% 3978Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North 3979Carolina. 3980% 3981Finagle's Creed: 3982 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 3983% 3984Finagle's First Law: 3985 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 3986% 3987Finagle's fourth Law: 3988 Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes 3989it worse. 3990% 3991Finagle's Second Law: 3992 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be 3993someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it 3994happened according to his own pet theory. 3995% 3996Finagle's Third Law: 3997 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, 3998 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake 3999 4000Corollaries: 4001 (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 4002 (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really 4003 don't want to hear, will see it immediately. 4004% 4005Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture 4006on a rock. 4007 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 4008% 4009Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. 4010% 4011Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. 4012% 4013Fine's Corollary: 4014 Functionality breeds Contempt. 4015% 4016Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: 4017 4018 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." 4019 4020Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: 4021 4022 P.O. Box 35 4023 Baffled Greek, Michigan 4024% 4025First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: 4026 Machines that piss people off get murdered. 4027 -- Pat Taber 4028% 4029First Law of Bicycling: 4030 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the 4031wind. 4032% 4033First Law of Procrastination: 4034 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility 4035for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed 4036the deadline). 4037% 4038First Law of Socio-Genetics: 4039 Celibacy is not hereditary. 4040% 4041First Rule of History: 4042 History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each 4043other. 4044% 4045"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order" 4046 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 4047% 4048First, a few words about tools. 4049 4050Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of 4051the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously 4052injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If 4053you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look 4054particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for 4055granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. 4056 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 4057% 4058Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. 4059 -- Robert Firth 4060% 4061Flappity, floppity, flip 4062The mouse on the m"obius strip; 4063 The strip revolved, 4064 The mouse dissolved 4065In a chronodimensional skip. 4066% 4067FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when 4068the little hand is on the .... 4069% 4070Flon's Law: 4071 There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is 4072the least bit difficult to write bad programs. 4073% 4074Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her 4075husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my 4076joules!" 4077 4078"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux 4079a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." 4080 4081"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them 4082in my burette ... We must call a copper." 4083 4084Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, 4085said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name 4086of Lawrence Ium. 4087 4088"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and 4089dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can 4090catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an 4091activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... 4092 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" 4093% 4094flowchart, n. & v.: 4095 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart 4096"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 40971. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction 4098problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation 4099using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic 4100doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for 4101wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A 4102thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's 4103Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce 4104flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate 4105(a problem) with esoteric cartoons. 4106 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 4107% 4108Flugg's Law: 4109 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the 4110world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. 4111% 4112Flying saucers on occasion 4113 Show themselves to human eyes. 4114Aliens fume, put off invasion 4115 While they brand these tales as lies. 4116% 4117Fog Lamps, n.: 4118 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the 4119fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the 4120driver's brain is in a fog. 4121 4122See also "Idiot Lights". 4123% 4124Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. 4125 -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo" 4126% 4127For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ... 4128% 4129For a good time, call (415) 642-9483 4130% 4131For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a 4132cat. 4133% 4134"For an adequate time call 555-3321" 4135% 4136For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be 4137always old-fashioned. 4138% 4139For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, 4140and wrong. 4141 -- H. L. Mencken 4142% 4143For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. 4144 -- R. Clopton 4145% 4146 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence 4147of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." 4148 4149 "Whose?" 4150 4151 "MINE! HA-HA!" 4152% 4153For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. 4154% 4155For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire 4156life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days 4157now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets 4158when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch 4159in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have 4160the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which 4161means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are 4162advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are 4163the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their 4164names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot 4165("part of this complete breakfast"). 4166 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 4167% 4168For perfect happiness, remember two things: 4169 (1) Be content with what you've got. 4170 (2) Be sure you've got plenty. 4171% 4172For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say 4173"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. 4174 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to 4175 the U.S. 4176% 4177For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. 4178% 4179"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of 4180a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with 4181computers altogether?" 4182 -- Jehan Shuman 4183% 4184For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they 4185like. 4186 -- Abraham Lincoln 4187% 4188"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but 4189phone calls taper off." 4190 -- Johnny Carson 4191% 4192For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- 4193I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. 4194But now I think a thought that brings me hope: 4195Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. 4196 -- Justin Richardson. 4197% 4198For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! 4199% 4200Forgetfulness, n.: 4201 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their 4202destitution of conscience. 4203% 4204Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. 4205% 4206FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6 4207 4208RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. 4209 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and 4210 arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating 4211 hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. 4212% 4213fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: 4214 4215 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. 4216 "Hey you, get off my plate" 4217 -- Roger Midnight 4218% 4219Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: 4220 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" 4221% 4222Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): 4223 4224 Don't Write On Walls! 4225 4226 (and underneath) 4227 4228 You want I should type? 4229% 4230Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): 4231 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this 4232State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed 4233with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females 4234weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it 4235apply to female horses. 4236% 4237Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful 4238Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an 4239impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and 4240clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following 4241exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. 4242 4243DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are 4244 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. 4245HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? 4246DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter 4247 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out 4248 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large 4249 amounts of fertilization ... 4250HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many 4251 teenagers who read The Congressional Record. 4252% 4253Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: 4254 4255 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. 4256% 4257FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 4258 4259Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good 4260liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and 4261light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything 4262drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. 4263% 4264Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: 4265 4266Q: Are you married? 4267A: No, I'm divorced. 4268Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? 4269A: A lot of things I didn't know about. 4270% 4271Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: 4272 4273Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 4274A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. 4275% 4276Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: 4277 4278THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present 4279 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have 4280 any ... 4281% 4282Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: 4283 4284Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? 4285A: I will be three months November 8th. 4286Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? 4287A: Yes. 4288Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? 4289% 4290Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: 4291 4292Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? 4293A: No. 4294Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? 4295A: Picking them up in the air. 4296Q: Where was the dog at this time? 4297A: Attached to the ears. 4298% 4299Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: 4300 4301Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were 4302 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to 4303 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with 4304 him to the station? 4305MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. 4306% 4307Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: 4308 4309Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? 4310A: By death. 4311Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 4312% 4313Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: 4314 4315Q: What is your name? 4316A: Ernestine McDowell. 4317Q: And what is your marital status? 4318A: Fair. 4319% 4320Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: 4321 4322Q: What happened then? 4323A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify 4324 me." 4325Q: Did he kill you? 4326A: No. 4327% 4328fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. 4329% 4330Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri 4331sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. 4332 4333Oh, and have a nice day! 4334 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 4335% 4336Fourth Law of Applied Terror: 4337 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology 4338instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 4339 4340Corollary: 4341 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do 4342except study for that instructor's course. 4343% 4344Fourth Law of Revision: 4345 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about 4346interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. 4347% 4348Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not 4349almost one, it is damn near zero. 4350 -- David Ellis 4351% 4352Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a 4353policeman's tie. 4354% 4355Fresco's Discovery: 4356 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. 4357% 4358Friends, Romans, Hipsters, 4359Let me clue you in; 4360I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. 4361The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; 4362The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus 4363Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; 4364If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, 4365And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. 4366Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; 4367So are they all, all cool cats, -- 4368Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. 4369% 4370Frisbeetarianism, n.: 4371 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and 4372gets stuck. 4373% 4374Frobnicate, v.: 4375 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. 4376Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a 4377frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK 4378sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless 4379manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse 4380search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is 4381turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it 4382he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the 4383screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because 4384turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. 4385% 4386Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: 4387 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to 4388electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to 4389FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and 4390FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. 4391FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure 4392via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be 4393applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. 4394% 4395[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology 4396Association, in Rome]: 4397 4398The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria 4399and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not 4400spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, 4401or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in 4402millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have 4403reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology 4404engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, 4405president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social 4406schizophrenia in mass genocide. 4407% 4408From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973: 4409 4410Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and 4411the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the 4412Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his 4413candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground 4414nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, 4415other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not 4416qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their 4417being nuts (unground)." 4418% 4419From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was 4420convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 4421 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" 4422% 4423[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made 4424in Japan]: 4425 4426The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT 4427MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is 4428featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality 4429against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", 4430"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 4431Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile 4432operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. 4433 4434And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help 4435achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by 4436HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. 4437% 4438From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the 4439instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new 4440experience in sound: 4441 4442 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading 4443 sound is normal for this type of connector. 4444% 4445From too much love of living, 4446From hope and fear set free, 4447We thank with brief thanksgiving, 4448Whatever gods may be, 4449That no life lives forever, 4450That dead men rise up never, 4451That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. 4452 -- Swinburne 4453% 4454Fuch's Warning: 4455 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well 4456enough to travel. 4457% 4458Fudd's First Law of Opposition: 4459 Push something hard enough and it will fall over. 4460% 4461Furbling, v.: 4462 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 4463even when you are the only person in line. 4464 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4465% 4466Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 4467 -- H. H. Williams 4468% 4469Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. 4470% 4471G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One 4472of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his 4473secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says 4474`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And 4475that's your chance, my boy." 4476% 4477Garbage In -- Gospel Out. 4478% 4479Garter, n.: 4480 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her 4481stockings and desolating the country. 4482 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4483% 4484Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall 4485on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! 4486 -- Adventures of Asterix. 4487% 4488Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". 4489 4490 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound 4491than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: 4492 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." 4493Obvious, isn't it? 4494 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start 4495speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as 4496long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all 4497your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and 4498so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed 4499individuals and then grow ... 4500 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those 4501signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when 4502everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on 4503the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs 4504backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I 4505think not, my friend, I think not. 4506 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4507% 4508 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an 4509extracurricular activity except you." 4510 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" 4511 "Only to ten, Mudhead." 4512 4513 -- Firesign Theater 4514% 4515"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore." 4516% 4517GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 4518 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you 4519because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much 4520for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for 4521committing incest. 4522% 4523GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) 4524 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while 4525you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise 4526and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short 4527trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. 4528% 4529Genderplex, n.: 4530 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 4531determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and 4532tortoises). 4533 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4534% 4535Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why 4536you should. 4537% 4538Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus 4539handicapped. 4540 -- Elbert Hubbard 4541% 4542Genius, n.: 4543 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with 4544"bright". 4545% 4546George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. 4547 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 4548% 4549George Orwell was an optimist. 4550% 4551George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to 4552have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. 4553 -- Ashley Cooper 4554% 4555Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 4556 (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong 4557 direction. 4558 (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 4559 (3) The energy required to change either one of these states 4560 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so 4561 much as to make the task totally impossible. 4562% 4563Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. 4564% 4565 Get GUMMed 4566 --- ------ 4567The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 45681, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above 4569the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep 4570each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered 4571chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek 4572nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three 4573days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two 4574seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- 4575friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is 4576Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis 4577"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You 4578Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because 4579all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we 4580could tell them. 4581 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 4582% 4583Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! 4584% 4585 -- Gifts for Children -- 4586 4587This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, 4588because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months 4589and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- 4590morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children 4591exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If 4592your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You 4593Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it 4594might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe 4595me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child 4596who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. 4597 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 4598% 4599 -- Gifts for Men -- 4600 4601Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional 4602ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you 4603should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the 4604clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For 4605example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only 4606three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, 4607that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh 4608at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). 4609So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several 4610years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will 4611pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. 4612 4613If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More 4614than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set 4615of tires. 4616 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 4617% 4618 Gimmie That Old Time Religion 4619We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, 4620Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, 4621I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, 4622And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! 4623 (chorus) (chorus) 4624 4625In the church of Aphrodite, 4626The priestess wears a see-through nightie, 4627She's a mighty righteous sightie, 4628And she's good enough for me! 4629 (chorus) 4630 4631CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, 4632 Give me that old time religion, 4633 Give me that old time religion, 4634 'Cause it's good enough for me! 4635% 4636Ginsberg's Theorem: 4637 (1) You can't win. 4638 (2) You can't break even. 4639 (3) You can't even quit the game. 4640 4641Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: 4642 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem 4643 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's 4644 Theorem. To wit: 4645 4646 (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 4647 (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break 4648 even. 4649 (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the 4650 game. 4651% 4652Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place 4653to stand, and I will drain the world. 4654% 4655"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war." 4656 -- Napolean 4657% 4658Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! 4659% 4660Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to 4661a new town. 4662% 4663Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. 4664% 4665"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying 4666around, I'd rather lie around. No contest." 4667 -- Eric Clapton 4668% 4669Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: 4670Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP 4671machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. 4672 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 4673% 4674Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: 4675 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the 4676probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some 4677useful work done. 4678% 4679Gnagloot, n.: 4680 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to 4681impress people. 4682 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4683% 4684Go 'way! You're bothering me! 4685% 4686Go climb a gravity well! 4687% 4688Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may 4689be in owning a piece thereof. 4690 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 4691% 4692//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH 4693% 4694God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six 4695days and then pulled an all-nighter. 4696% 4697God doesn't play dice. 4698 -- Albert Einstein 4699% 4700"God gives burdens; also shoulders" 4701 4702Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the 4703end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I 4704can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why 4705would he lie about a thing like that? 4706 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4707% 4708God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... 4709The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do 4710not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman 4711... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on 4712smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and 4713water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in 4714the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at 4715night! 4716 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher 4717% 4718God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. 4719% 4720God is a polytheist. 4721% 4722God is Dead 4723 -- Nietzsche 4724Nietzsche is Dead 4725 -- God 4726Nietzsche is God 4727 -- The Dead 4728% 4729God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's 4730% 4731God is real, unless declared integer. 4732% 4733God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the 4734elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying 4735other things. 4736 -- Pablo Picasso 4737% 4738God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. 4739 -- Alfred Jarry 4740% 4741God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. 4742% 4743God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. 4744% 4745God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board 4746 -- Mark Twain 4747% 4748God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. 4749 -- Kronecker 4750% 4751God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. 4752% 4753God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. 4754 -- Albert Einstein 4755% 4756God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. 4757% 4758God rest ye CS students now, 4759Let nothing you dismay. 4760The VAX is down and won't be up, 4761Until the first of May. 4762The program that was due this morn, 4763Won't be postponed, they say. 4764 4765 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, 4766 Comfort and joy, 4767 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. 4768 4769The bearings on the drum are gone, 4770The disk is wobbling, too. 4771We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol 4772Can't tell false from true. 4773And now we find that we can't get 4774At Berkeley's 4.2. 4775 4776 (chorus) 4777% 4778Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to 4779school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a 4780person a car. 4781% 4782Gold, n.: 4783 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It 4784is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who 4785immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold 4786hasn't done anything to them. 4787 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 4788% 4789Goldenstern's Rules: 4790 (1) Always hire a rich attorney 4791 (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. 4792% 4793Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad 4794example. 4795 -- La Rouchefoucauld 4796% 4797Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. 4798% 4799Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. 4800% 4801Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. 4802% 4803Good day to let down old friends who need help. 4804% 4805Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. 4806% 4807Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 4808% 4809Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. 4810% 4811Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's 4812new lover. 4813% 4814"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored." 4815 -- George Saunders' dying words 4816% 4817Gordon's first law: 4818 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing 4819well. 4820% 4821"Gosh that takes me back ... or forward. That's the trouble with time 4822travel, you never can tell." 4823 -- Dr. Who 4824% 4825Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with 4826time travel, you never can tell." 4827 -- Doctor Who "Androids of Tara" 4828% 4829Got Mole problems? 4830Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23 4831% 4832Goto, n.: 4833 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers 4834to complain about unstructured programmers. 4835 -- Ray Simard 4836% 4837Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. 4838 -- John Updike, "Couples" 4839% 4840Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are 4841different lies. 4842% 4843Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know 4844any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he 4845doesn't know much. 4846 -- Will Rogers 4847% 4848Grabel's Law: 4849 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. 4850% 4851Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. 4852% 4853Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture. 4854% 4855Grandpa Charnock's Law: 4856 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 4857% 4858Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. 4859% 4860Gray's Law of Programming: 4861 `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same 4862time as `_n' tasks. 4863 4864Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 4865 `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks. 4866% 4867Great minds run in great circles. 4868% 4869 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 4870 4871On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- 4872Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them 4873off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I 4874wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his 4875mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a 4876tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men 4877stood lookout. 4878% 4879Green light in a.m. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic 4880tickets. 4881% 4882Greener's Law: 4883 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. 4884% 4885Grelb's Reminder: 4886 Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above 4887average drivers. 4888% 4889"Grub first, then ethics." 4890 -- Bertolt Brecht 4891% 4892Gurmlish, n.: 4893 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which 4894prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his 4895mouth. 4896 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 4897% 4898Gyroscope, n.: 4899 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also 4900free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each 4901other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two 4902mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the 4903other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus 4904offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any 4905torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. 4906 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary 4907% 4908H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. 4909Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 4910 -- Maxwell Bodenheim 4911% 4912H. L. Mencken's Law: 4913 Those who can -- do. 4914 Those who can't -- teach. 4915 4916Martin's Extension: 4917 Those who cannot teach -- administrate. 4918% 4919H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, 4920 Slice him up before he slays you. 4921 Nothing makes you look a slob 4922 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). 4923 -- The Roguelet's ABC 4924% 4925Hacker's Law: 4926 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a 4927nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 4928% 4929Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. 4930% 4931... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, 4932and you would not have been informed. 4933% 4934Hail to the sun god 4935He sure is a fun god 4936Ra! Ra! Ra! 4937% 4938Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big 4939enough majority in any town? 4940 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" 4941% 4942Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.) 4943% 4944Half-done: 4945 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still 4946crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference 4947between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like 4948the difference between life and death. 4949 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill 4950there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the 4951airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough 4952Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on 4953Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk 4954about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the 4955man, "Let me have a nice half-done." 4956 Worth the trouble, wasn't it? 4957 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4958% 4959Hall's Laws of Politics: 4960 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 4961 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something 4962 fixed. 4963 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend 4964 military spending, and conservatives social spending in 4965 their own districts). 4966% 4967Hand, n.: 4968 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and 4969commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. 4970 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4971% 4972Hanlon's Razor: 4973 Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by 4974stupidity. 4975% 4976Hanson's Treatment of Time: 4977 There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days 4978before Saturday. 4979% 4980Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. 4981 -- Ogden Nash 4982% 4983Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. 4984 -- Oscar Levant 4985% 4986Happiness, n.: 4987 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of 4988another. 4989 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4990% 4991Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances? 4992% 4993Hardware, n.: 4994 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 4995% 4996Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand 4997convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. 4998 -- Tobias Smollet 4999% 5000Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark 5001The Duke is fond of kittens 5002He likes to take their insides out 5003And use them for his mittens 5004 From "The Thirteen Clocks" 5005% 5006Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, 5007Advertising wondrous things. 5008 -- Tom Lehrer 5009% 5010Harris's Lament: 5011 All the good ones are taken. 5012% 5013Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: 5014 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment 5015ruined. 5016% 5017Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he 5018makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean 5019famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses 5020probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you 5021have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like 5022enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their 5023attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock 5024down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, 5025just like Richard Nixon." 5026 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" 5027% 5028Hartley's First Law: 5029 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float 5030on his back, you've got something. 5031% 5032Hartley's Second Law: 5033 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 5034% 5035Harvard Law: 5036 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, 5037temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will 5038do as it damn well pleases. 5039% 5040"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" 5041"Yes, I don't have one." 5042"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..." 5043 -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372 5044% 5045Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are 5046typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter 5047keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use 5048of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is 5049not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. 5050% 5051 Has your family tried 'em? 5052 5053 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 5054 5055 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! 5056 5057 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the 5058 strength to get up and do what needs to be done. 5059 5060 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 5061 5062 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the 5063 biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains 5064 that indicate freshness. 5065% 5066Hatred, n.: 5067 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's 5068superiority. 5069 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5070% 5071Have an adequate day. 5072% 5073Have an adequate day. 5074% 5075Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is 5076to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a 5077non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? 5078 5079Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This 5080still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or 5081only serves to blunt the warning signs. 5082 5083 Long live the revolution! 5084 Have a nice day. 5085% 5086Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell 5087you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time 5088for play? 5089% 5090Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, 5091I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container 5092filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite 5093sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in 5094their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or 5095mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why 5096they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. 5097 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 5098% 5099"Have you lived here all your life?" 5100"Oh, twice that long." 5101% 5102Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a 5103crack in your sidewalk? 5104% 5105Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline 5106sharply the minute they start waving guns around? 5107 -- Dr. Who 5108% 5109Have you reconsidered a computer career? 5110% 5111"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental 5112effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable 5113perversion." 5114 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" 5115% 5116"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions" 5117% 5118He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation 5119perfectly delightful. 5120 -- Sydney Smith 5121% 5122He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and 5123heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope 5124of ever behaving "normally." 5125 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 5126% 5127He hadn't a single redeeming vice. 5128 -- Oscar Wilde 5129% 5130"He is now rising from affluence to poverty." 5131 -- Mark Twain 5132% 5133He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. 5134% 5135He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. 5136 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 5137% 5138He thought he saw an albatross 5139That fluttered 'round the lamp. 5140He looked again and saw it was 5141A penny postage stamp. 5142"You'd best be getting home," he said, 5143"The nights are rather damp." 5144% 5145He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. 5146 -- Jonathon Swift 5147% 5148"He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him 5149insufferable." 5150% 5151"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both 5152eyes ..." 5153% 5154He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry 5155attacks democracy itself. 5156 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS 5157% 5158He who Laughs, Lasts. 5159% 5160"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..." 5161% 5162He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be 5163there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. 5164% 5165"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..." 5166% 5167HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. 5168SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains. 5169 -- Walt Kelley 5170% 5171Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 5172% 5173Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying 5174of nothing. 5175 -- Redd Foxx 5176% 5177Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying 5178of nothing. 5179 -- Redd Foxx 5180% 5181Heaven, n.: 5182 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of 5183their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you 5184expound your own. 5185 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5186% 5187Heavy, adj.: 5188 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. 5189% 5190"Heisenberg may have slept here" 5191% 5192Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. 5193 -- Milton Friedman 5194% 5195Heller's Law: 5196 The first myth of management is that it exists. 5197 5198Johnson's Corollary: 5199 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the 5200organization. 5201% 5202"Hello," he lied. 5203 -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent 5204% 5205Help a swallow land at Capistrano. 5206% 5207Help fight continental drift. 5208% 5209Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! 5210% 5211Help stamp out and abolish redundancy. 5212% 5213Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! 5214% 5215HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! 5216 -- E. E. CUMMINGS 5217% 5218Her locks an ancient lady gave 5219Her loving husband's life to save; 5220And men -- they honored so the dame -- 5221Upon some stars bestowed her name. 5222 5223But to our modern married fair, 5224Who'd give their lords to save their hair, 5225No stellar recognition's given. 5226There are not stars enough in heaven. 5227% 5228"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from 5229Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..." 5230% 5231Here I sit, broken-hearted, 5232All logged in, but work unstarted. 5233First net.this and net.that, 5234And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. 5235 5236The boss comes by, and I play the game, 5237Then I turn back to net.flame. 5238Is there a cure (I need your views), 5239For someone trapped in net.news? 5240 5241I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 5242'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. 5243% 5244Here in my heart, I am Helen; 5245 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. 5246I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el; 5247 I'm Salome, moon of the East. 5248 5249Here in my soul I am Sappho; 5250 Lady Hamilton am I, as well. 5251In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, 5252 With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. 5253 5254I'm all of the glamorous ladies 5255 At whose beckoning history shook. 5256But you are a man, and see only my pan, 5257 So I stay at home with a book. 5258 -- Dorothy Parker 5259% 5260Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical 5261lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach 5262your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. 5263Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in 5264pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, 5265but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an 5266important electrical lesson. 5267 5268It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed 5269your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small 5270objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will 5271attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and 5272collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your 5273friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the 5274carpet, thus completing the circuit. 5275 5276Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without 5277touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your 5278finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you 5279have carpeting. 5280 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 5281% 5282 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the 5283month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people 5284are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. 5285 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either 5286(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax 5287tadpole". 5288 Bite the wax tadpole. 5289 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 5290 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's 5291hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to 5292bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, 5293but broad satiric vistas do not open up. 5294 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle 5295% 5296"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 5297`Psychic Wins Lottery'?" 5298 -- Jay Leno 5299% 5300Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, 5301then they'd be algorithms. 5302% 5303"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" 5304 -- W. C. Fields 5305% 5306Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person 5307reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, 5308nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. 5309% 5310"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. 5311As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of 5312equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. 5313Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you 5314probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of 5315course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my 5316experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out 5317of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. 5318 5319"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our 5320motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'" 5321 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" 5322% 5323Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich; 5324Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich. 5325Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws 5326Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; 5327 We buried him today because 5328 As far as we can tell, he's dead. 5329 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty 5330 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; 5331 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter 5332 Schickele 5333% 5334Higgeldy Piggeldy, 5335Hamlet of Elsinore 5336Ruffled the critics by 5337Dropping this bomb: 5338"Phooey on Freud and his 5339Psychoanalysis -- 5340Oedipus, Shmoedipus, 5341I just love Mom." 5342% 5343Hindsight is an exact science. 5344% 5345Hippogriff, n.: 5346 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. 5347The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. 5348The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which 5349is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full 5350of surprises. 5351 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5352% 5353Hire the morally handicapped. 5354% 5355"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had 5356money, he went to Southern California." 5357% 5358"His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice" 5359 -- Foghorn Leghorn 5360% 5361"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier." 5362% 5363History is curious stuff 5364 You'd think by now we had enough 5365Yet the fact remains I fear 5366 They make more of it every year. 5367% 5368History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. 5369% 5370History, n.: 5371 Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we 5372learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from 5373what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long 5374view. 5375 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 5376% 5377Hlade's Law: 5378 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they 5379will find an easier way to do it. 5380% 5381Hoare's Law of Large Problems: 5382 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get 5383out. 5384% 5385Hofstadter's Law: 5386 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take 5387Hofstadter's Law into account. 5388% 5389Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. 5390 -- Rex Reed 5391% 5392 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's 5393willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop 5394for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say 5395"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home 5396centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas 5397trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise 5398because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every 5399object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ... 5400 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the 5401broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has 5402a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the 5403inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the 5404same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at 5405an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of 5406these sometime around the middle of next week". 5407 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 5408% 5409Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: 5410The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. 5411 -- Chris Shaw 5412% 5413"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense" 5414% 5415Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. 5416 -- F. M. Hubbard 5417% 5418Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." 5419% 5420Honk if you love peace and quiet. 5421% 5422Honorable, adj.: 5423 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative 5424bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the 5425honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." 5426 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5427% 5428Horngren's Observation: 5429 Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 5430% 5431Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on 5432people. 5433 -- W. C. Fields 5434% 5435Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 5436% 5437"Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed." 5438 -- Neil Armstrong 5439% 5440How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? 5441% 5442How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? 5443% 5444How come wrong numbers are never busy? 5445% 5446"How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows." 5447% 5448How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? 5449 -- Elliot, "E.T." 5450% 5451How doth the little crocodile 5452 Improve his shining tail, 5453And pour the waters of the Nile 5454 On every golden scale! 5455 5456How cheerfully he seems to grin, 5457 How neatly spreads his claws, 5458And welcomes little fishes in, 5459 With gently smiling jaws! 5460 -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" 5461% 5462How doth the VAX's C compiler 5463Improve its object code. 5464And even as we speak does it 5465Increase the system load. 5466 5467How patiently it seems to run 5468And spit out error flags, 5469While users, with frustration, all 5470Tear their clothes to rags. 5471% 5472How doth the VAX's C-compiler 5473Improve its object code. 5474And even as we speak does it 5475Increase the system load. 5476 5477How patiently it seems to run 5478And spit out error flags, 5479While users, with frustration, all 5480Tear all their clothes to rags. 5481% 5482How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're 5483on. 5484% 5485How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5486None: "We'll fix it in software." 5487 5488How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5489None: "We'll document it in the manual." 5490 5491How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5492None: "The user can work it out." 5493% 5494"How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being 5495carried by a waiter at a nice party?" 5496 5497Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors 5498d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell 5499what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then 5500say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it 5501back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another 5502cheese!" and so on. 5503 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 5504% 5505 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 55063.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, 5507who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a 5508nanocentury. 5509 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs 5510% 5511How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to 5512Dayton? 5513 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey 5514% 5515How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. 5516% 5517How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. 5518% 5519HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5520 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. 5521% 5522HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5523 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. 5524% 5525HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5526 5527 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of 5528 you. 5529% 5530Howe's Law: 5531 Everyone has a scheme that will not work. 5532% 5533However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional 5534manner ... sulking and nausea. 5535 -- Tom K. Ryan 5536% 5537HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., 5538motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate 5539amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. 5540The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the 5541Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the 5542bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on 5543the bill. Agreed to. 5544 -- Albuquerque Journal 5545% 5546 Hug O' War 5547 5548I will not play at tug o' war. 5549I'd rather play at hug o' war, 5550Where everyone hugs 5551Instead of tugs, 5552Where everyone giggles 5553And rolls on the rug, 5554Where everyone kisses, 5555And everyone grins, 5556And everyone cuddles, 5557And everyone wins. 5558 -- Shel Silverstein 5559% 5560Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. 5561% 5562Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 55631929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an 5564operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral 5565catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of 5566his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took 5567the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the 5568Nobel Prize. 5569% 5570Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. 5571% 5572"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." 5573 -- William Gilbert 5574% 5575Hurewitz's Memory Principle: 5576 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional 5577to ..... to ........ uh .............. 5578% 5579I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a 5580professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any 5581other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. 5582 -- Richard M. Nixon 5583 5584What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? 5585 -- Richard M. Nixon 5586% 5587"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder 5588have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. 5589This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's 5590reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go 5591by some more." 5592 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM 5593% 5594I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. 5595% 5596"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!" 5597 -- Paul McCracken 5598% 5599"I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger." 5600 -- Gloria Steinem 5601% 5602I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. 5603 -- Dennis Ritchie 5604% 5605"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." 5606 -- English Professor 5607% 5608"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the 5609great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." 5610 -- Winston Churchill 5611% 5612"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone 5613has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." 5614 -- English Professor, Ohio University 5615% 5616I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast 5617with an option to buy. 5618% 5619"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater." 5620% 5621"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, 5622of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell 5623you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial 5624atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something 5625inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering." 5626 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan 5627% 5628"I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of 5629the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for 5630you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway." 5631 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, 5632 University of Tennessee at Knoxville 5633% 5634"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an 5635argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and 5636steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, 5637they don't even invite me." 5638 -- Dave Barry 5639% 5640'I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean." 5641 -- G. K. Chesterton 5642% 5643"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat." 5644 -- Will Rogers 5645% 5646"I bet the human brain is a kludge." 5647 -- Marvin Minsky 5648% 5649I brake for chezlogs! 5650% 5651I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. 5652 -- Biff Barf 5653% 5654I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan 5655prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very 5656bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after 5657relentless day. 5658 -- Betty MacDonald 5659% 5660I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 5661% 5662"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 566325 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be 5664true." 5665 -- Harry Truman 5666% 5667"I can resist anything but temptation." 5668% 5669"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do." 5670 -- Joe Walsh 5671% 5672"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling." 5673 -- Florence Henderson 5674% 5675I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can 5676understand it. 5677 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands. 5678% 5679I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a 5680novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. 5681 -- Fred Allen 5682% 5683"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions." 5684 -- Lillian Hellman 5685% 5686I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate 5687of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... 5688 -- F. H. Wales (1936) 5689% 5690I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. 5691 5692What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good 5693grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause 5694of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the 5695United States would have lost World War II." 5696 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" 5697% 5698 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a 5699quavering voice. 5700 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of 5701course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which 5702I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in 5703Elven-lore: 5704 5705 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, 5706 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. 5707 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, 5708 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. 5709 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. 5710 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. 5711 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. 5712 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." 5713 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 5714% 5715" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights 5716instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is 5717standing still ..." 5718 -- Steven Wright 5719% 5720I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather 5721dance with the cows till you come home. 5722 -- Groucho Marx 5723% 5724"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps 5725the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..." 5726 -- Peter Oakley 5727% 5728"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it." 5729% 5730I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The 5731curtain was up. 5732% 5733 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because 5734we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently 5735leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, 5736in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had 5737time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the 5738library, we could call each other up: 5739 5740 You: Hello? Bob? 5741 Bob: Yes? 5742 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you 5743 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? 5744 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? 5745 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: 5746 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. 5747 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill 5748 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto 5749 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to 5750 have to get back to you. 5751 Bob: Fine. 5752 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 5753% 5754I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an 5755exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to 5756minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary 5757accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a 5758mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the 5759bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always 5760different. 5761 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) 5762% 5763"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." 5764 -- Isaac Asimov 5765% 5766"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us 5767with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use." 5768 -- Galileo Galilei 5769% 5770"I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should." 5771 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 5772% 5773"I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians 5774don't believe in astrology." 5775 -- James R. F. Quirk 5776% 5777I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just 5778a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more 5779numbers!! 5780% 5781I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of 5782a frog jumping on my Breakfast. 5783 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 5784% 5785"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the 5786nominating" 5787 -- Boss Tweed 5788% 5789"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." 5790 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 5791% 5792"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of 5793people waiting to abuse me." 5794 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 5795% 5796I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. 5797 -- Elvis Presley 5798% 5799"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." 5800 -- Elvis Presley 5801% 5802 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said 5803 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- 5804till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for 5805you!'" 5806 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice 5807objected. 5808 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful 5809tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor 5810less." 5811 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean 5812so many different things." 5813 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- 5814that's all." 5815 -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" 5816% 5817"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd 5818eat it, and I just hate it." 5819 -- Clarence Darrow 5820% 5821"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path." 5822 -- Ronald Mabbitt 5823% 5824I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the 5825streets and frighten the horses. 5826 -- Victor Hugo 5827% 5828"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?" 5829% 5830"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished. 5831% 5832"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other 5833hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." 5834% 5835I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that 5836the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is 5837thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists 5838broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. 5839Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off 5840their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... 5841 -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE 5842 COMING!" 5843% 5844I doubt, therefore I might be. 5845% 5846"I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business 5847on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment 5848he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual 5849becoming, with a goal in front and not behind." 5850 -- George Bernard Shaw 5851% 5852"I drink to make other people interesting." 5853 -- George Jean Nathan 5854% 5855I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, 5856so I woke up from sheer boredom. 5857% 5858I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the 5859accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For 5860the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that 5861can't be measured in monetary terms. 5862 5863Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have 5864that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by 5865subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should 5866someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly 5867understand his long delay. 5868% 5869"I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words." 5870% 5871"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very 5872reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment." 5873 -- Gotama Buddha 5874% 5875I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20 5876minutes of my life! 5877% 5878'I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it." 5879 -- Mae West 5880% 5881I get up each morning, gather my wits. 5882 Pick up the paper, read the obits. 5883If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 5884 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 5885% 5886I get up each morning, gather my wits. 5887Pick up the paper, read the obits. 5888If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 5889So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 5890 5891Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? 5892My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. 5893But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, 5894And think of the places my get-up has been. 5895 -- Pete Seeger 5896% 5897"I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler 5898Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!" 5899 -- Mary Lou Bax 5900% 5901"I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense." 5902% 5903"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means 5904it's going to be up all night." 5905 -- Steven Wright 5906% 5907"I hate quotations." 5908 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 5909% 5910I have a simple philosophy: 5911 5912 Fill what's empty. 5913 Empty what's full. 5914 Scratch where it itches. 5915 -- A. R. Longworth 5916% 5917"I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it 5918any time!" 5919% 5920"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, 5921which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'." 5922 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 5923% 5924I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth 5925and they never believe me. 5926 -- Camillo Di Cavour 5927% 5928I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. 5929 -- Edgar Allan Poe 5930% 5931"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You 5932sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an 5933eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I 5934have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of 5935beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a 5936guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more 5937of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry." 5938 -- President Harry S Truman 5939% 5940I have learned 5941To spell hors d'oeuvres 5942Which still grates on 5943Some people's n'oeuvres. 5944 -- Warren Knox 5945% 5946"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming 5947that I have never made one." 5948 -- James Gordon Bennett 5949% 5950"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to 5951make it shorter." 5952 -- Blaise Pascal 5953% 5954I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole 5955____BODY! 5956 -- from "Cerebus" #82 5957% 5958"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer." 5959 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 5960% 5961"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best." 5962 -- Oscar Wilde 5963% 5964"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it 5965scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it. 5966 -- Steven Wright 5967% 5968"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..." 5969 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 5970% 5971"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking 5972his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell 5973beating up a child." 5974 -- Steven Wright 5975% 5976I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked 5977at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. 5978 -- Poul Anderson 5979% 5980"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere." 5981% 5982"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it." 5983% 5984I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! 5985% 5986"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more." 5987 -- Bill Hoest 5988% 5989I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. 5990% 5991"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World 5992War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." 5993 -- Albert Einstein 5994% 5995"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! 5996The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building." 5997 -- Charles Schulz 5998% 5999"I like being single. I'm always there when I need me." 6000 -- Art Leo 6001% 6002I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to 6003promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want 6004peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of 6005the way and let them have it. 6006 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 6007% 6008"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours." 6009% 6010"I like your game but we have to change the rules." 6011% 6012"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what 6013entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils." 6014 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson 6015% 6016"I love to eat them Smurfies 6017 Smurfies what I love to eat 6018 Bite they ugly heads off, 6019 Nibble on they bluish feet." 6020% 6021"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but 6022don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the 6023speed of light." 6024 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk 6025% 6026"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." 6027 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 6028% 6029"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a 6030week sometimes to make it up." 6031 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" 6032% 6033I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts 6034% 6035"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do 6036was to go away." 6037% 6038"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like." 6039% 6040I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. 6041 -- G. B. Shaw 6042% 6043"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" 6044 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) 6045% 6046"I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the 6047kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled 6048substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no 6049restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we 6050made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given 6051powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative 6052nerve disease." 6053 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 6054% 6055I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! 6056% 6057"I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral 6058slob." 6059 -- William F. Buckley 6060% 6061 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of 6062that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put 6063more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it 6064might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not 6065otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be 6066otherwise.'" 6067 -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" 6068% 6069I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that 6070the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional 6071congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile 6072so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the 6073plumber. 6074 6075But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such 6076as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of 6077the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never 6078win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually 6079write about, such as nose-picking. 6080 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 6081 Political Fallout" 6082% 6083I really hate this damned machine 6084I wish that they would sell it. 6085It never does quite what I want 6086But only what I tell it. 6087% 6088"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person." 6089% 6090I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope 6091they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em. 6092 -- Will Rogers 6093% 6094I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, 6095I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. 6096Bernoulli would have been content to die 6097Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! 6098 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 6099% 6100I sent a letter to the fish, 6101I told them, "This is what I wish." 6102The little fishes of the sea, 6103They sent an answer back to me. 6104The little fishes' answer was 6105"We cannot do it, sir, because ..." 6106I sent a letter back to say 6107It would be better to obey. 6108But someone came to me and said 6109"The little fishes are in bed." 6110I said to him, and I said it plain 6111"Then you must wake them up again." 6112I said it very loud and clear, 6113I went and shouted in his ear. 6114But he was very stiff and proud, 6115He said "You needn't shout so loud." 6116And he was very proud and stiff, 6117He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." 6118I took a kettle from the shelf, 6119I went to wake them up myself. 6120But when I found the door was locked 6121I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, 6122And when I found the door was shut, 6123I tried to turn the handle, But ... 6124 6125 "Is that all?" asked Alice. 6126 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." 6127 -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" 6128% 6129"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck." 6130 -- Graffito in Los Angeles 6131% 6132"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was 6133supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which 6134actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." 6135 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning 6136 Points in l'Amour" 6137% 6138"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full 6139house and four people died." 6140 -- Steven Wright 6141% 6142"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to 6143see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." 6144 -- Shirley Temple 6145% 6146I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do 6147too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which 6148direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After 6149much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot 6150tub to face is up. 6151 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 6152% 6153"I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3 6154because I couldn't remember the proof." 6155 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a 6156% 6157"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it." 6158% 6159I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick 6160and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this 6161country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people 6162in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly 6163not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. 6164 -- Monty Python 6165% 6166I think that I shall never see 6167A billboard lovely as a tree. 6168Perhaps, unless the billboards fall 6169I'll never see a tree at all. 6170 -- Ogden Nash 6171% 6172I think that I shall never see 6173A thing as lovely as a tree. 6174But as you see the trees have gone 6175They went this morning with the dawn. 6176A logging firm from out of town 6177Came and chopped the trees all down. 6178But I will trick those dirty skunks 6179And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. 6180% 6181"I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple 6182to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the 6183farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light 6184into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from 6185the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing 6186off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the 6187color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on 6188out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars 6189singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors." 6190 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club 6191% 6192I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown 6193... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think 6194we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. 6195When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we 6196are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was 6197driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa 6198Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, 6199were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous 6200conversation ... 6201 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 6202% 6203"I thought you were trying to get into shape." 6204"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." 6205% 6206" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a 6207pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!" 6208 -- Winston Churchill 6209% 6210I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in 6211twenty minutes. It's about Russia. 6212 -- Woody Allen 6213% 6214I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. 6215% 6216"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." 6217% 6218"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure." 6219% 6220"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my 6221body. Then I realized who was telling me this." 6222 -- Emo Phillips 6223% 6224I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere 6225near the place. 6226 -- Steven Wright 6227% 6228I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to 6229animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for 6230anything connected with society except that which makes the roads 6231safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women 6232warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. 6233 -- Brendan Behan 6234% 6235"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. 6236Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE 6237HAW"!!'" 6238 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" 6239% 6240I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know 6241anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is 6242a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows 6243up. 6244 -- Will Rogers 6245% 6246"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I 6247put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured 6248what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I 6249should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to 6250get off my driveway." 6251 -- Steven Wright 6252% 6253"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I 6254didn't know." 6255 -- Mark Twain 6256% 6257I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending 6258their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to 6259buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. 6260 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay 6261% 6262"I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full 6263house and four people died." 6264 -- Steven Wright 6265% 6266"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything 6267specific". 6268 -- Steven Wright 6269% 6270I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained 6271it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass 6272stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. 6273I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be 6274absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had 6275developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. 6276Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's 6277temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I 6278chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to 6279the point where it would not run at all. 6280 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black 6281 Holes and the Fate of Stars" 6282% 6283"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any 6284questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the 6285speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? 6286 6287He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work 6288for him then. 6289 -- Steven Wright 6290% 6291"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in 6292the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't 6293included." 6294 -- Steven Wright 6295% 6296"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the 6297statues that are in all the other museums." 6298 -- Steven Wright 6299% 6300I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that 6301it took seven others to beat him! 6302% 6303"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. 6304There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work." 6305 -- Gallagher 6306% 6307"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've 6308always worked for me." 6309 -- Hunter S. Thompson 6310% 6311"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous." 6312% 6313"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got 6314to undo it." 6315% 6316"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat." 6317% 6318"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I 6319snore." 6320% 6321"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in 6322`Y.'" 6323% 6324"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my 6325blender." 6326% 6327"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my 6328garage door." 6329% 6330"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from 6331Julian to Gregorian." 6332% 6333"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for 6334static cling." 6335% 6336"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered." 6337% 6338"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my 6339cottage cheese sculpture." 6340% 6341"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving." 6342% 6343"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma 6344transplant." 6345% 6346"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night." 6347% 6348"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV." 6349% 6350"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never 6351came back." 6352% 6353"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say 6354tuned." 6355% 6356"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that 6357need worrying about." 6358% 6359"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." 6360% 6361"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, 6362carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, 6363I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun." 6364 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H 6365% 6366I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd 6367listen to it! 6368 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire 6369% 6370I'll grant thee random access to my heart, 6371Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; 6372And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove 6373And in our bound partition never part. 6374 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 6375% 6376"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. 6377That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood." 6378 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones] 6379% 6380"I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from 6381man." 6382% 6383I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me! 6384% 6385"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my 6386sister." 6387% 6388I'm changing my name to Chrysler 6389I'm going down to Washington, D.C. 6390I'll tell some power broker 6391 What they did for Iacocca 6392Will be perfectly acceptable to me! 6393I'm changing my name to Chrysler, 6394I'm heading for that great receiving line. 6395When they hand a million grand out, 6396 I'll be standing with my hand out, 6397Yessir, I'll get mine! 6398 -- Tom Paxton 6399% 6400I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. 6401% 6402"I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did." 6403% 6404"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to 6405die in." 6406 -- George McGovern 6407% 6408I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. 6409 -- Fred Allen 6410% 6411I'm going to live forever, or die trying! 6412 -- Spider Robinson 6413% 6414... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a 6415KOSHER DELI!! 6416% 6417"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?" 6418 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate 6419% 6420i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be 6421living apart. 6422 -- e. e. cummings 6423% 6424I'm N-ary the tree, I am, 6425N-ary the tree, I am, I am. 6426I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, 6427She's traversed me seven times before. 6428And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) 6429Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) 6430I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. 6431N-ary the tree I am, I am, 6432N-ary the tree I am. 6433% 6434"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. 6435It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get." 6436% 6437"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday 6438life." 6439% 6440I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is 6441-- I could be just as proud for half the money. 6442 -- Arthur Godfrey 6443% 6444I'm rated PG-34!! 6445% 6446"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL 6447soon ..." 6448% 6449"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it 6450(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage." 6451 -- English Professor, Providence College 6452% 6453I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, 6454I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; 6455In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, 6456I am the very model of a modern Major-General. 6457 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" 6458% 6459"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's 6460lives" 6461% 6462I've built a better model than the one at Data General 6463For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral 6464My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; 6465My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. 6466My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, 6467You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; 6468There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; 6469My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. 6470 6471I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: 6472There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, 6473Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral 6474I've built a better model than the one at Data General. 6475 6476 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of 6477 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", 6478 by Gilbert & Sullivan) 6479% 6480I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. 6481% 6482I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was 6483this little hole in the bottom ... 6484 -- John Croll 6485% 6486I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. 6487% 6488I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. 6489 -- Groucho Marx 6490% 6491I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes 6492on the same day. 6493% 6494"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer." 6495% 6496"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer" 6497 -- Senator Claghorn 6498% 6499I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; 6500And from that full meridian of my glory 6501I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, 6502Like a bright exhalation in the evening 6503And no man see me more. 6504 -- Shakespeare 6505% 6506IBM had a PL/I, 6507 Its syntax worse than JOSS; 6508And everywhere this language went, 6509 It was a total loss. 6510% 6511Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box 6512of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 6513% 6514Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like 6515solitary confinement. 6516% 6517Idiot Box, n.: 6518 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the 6519stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 6520 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 6521% 6522Idiot, n.: 6523 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human 6524affairs has always been dominant and controlling. 6525 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 6526% 6527If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape 6528at about 30 miles/second. 6529 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming 6530% 6531If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. 6532 -- Roy Santoro 6533% 6534"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far." 6535 -- Paul White 6536% 6537If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus 6538forecast is a camel's behind. 6539 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 6540% 6541If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y 6542is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut. 6543 -- Albert Einstein 6544% 6545If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1 6546passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. 6547 -- T. Cheatham 6548% 6549If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four 6550hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where 6551it votes guilty. 6552 -- Joseph C. Goulden 6553% 6554If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake 6555him up. 6556% 6557If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. 6558% 6559If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have 6560dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to 6561maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it 6562must drop. The law of gravity supercedes the law of golf. 6563 -- Donald A. Metz 6564% 6565"If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good 6566attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to 6567playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- 6568unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager 6569can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?" 6570 -- Sparky Anderson 6571% 6572If all be true that I do think, 6573There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; 6574Good friends, good wine, or being dry, 6575Or lest we should be by-and-by, 6576Or any other reason why. 6577% 6578If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular 6579error. 6580 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 6581% 6582If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot 6583platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave 6584that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. 6585% 6586If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. 6587 -- Paul Beatty 6588% 6589If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a 6590conclusion. 6591 -- William Baumol 6592% 6593If an S and an I and an O and a U 6594With an X at the end spell Su; 6595And an E and a Y and an E spell I, 6596Pray what is a speller to do? 6597Then, if also an S and an I and a G 6598And an HED spell side, 6599There's nothing much left for a speller to do 6600But to go commit siouxeyesighed. 6601 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" 6602% 6603If anything can go wrong, it will. 6604% 6605If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool. 6606% 6607If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 6608% 6609If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four 6610tellers? 6611% 6612"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?" 6613% 6614If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? 6615% 6616If everybody minded their own business, the world would go 6617around a deal faster. 6618 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass" 6619% 6620If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. 6621% 6622... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with 6623the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls 6624asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... 6625 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 6626% 6627If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three 6628to a can. 6629% 6630If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. 6631% 6632If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. 6633% 6634If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit 6635Ears. 6636% 6637If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their 6638Heads. 6639% 6640If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with 6641green, baggy skin. 6642% 6643If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. 6644% 6645If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to 6646invent it. 6647% 6648If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger 6649hands. 6650% 6651If God is dead, who will save the Queen? 6652% 6653If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? 6654% 6655"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows." 6656 -- Yiddish saying 6657% 6658If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? 6659 -- Marvin Kitman 6660% 6661"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be 6662replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!" 6663% 6664If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! 6665 -- Samuel Goldwyn 6666% 6667If I don't drive around the park, 6668I'm pretty sure to make my mark. 6669If I'm in bed each night by ten, 6670I may get back my looks again. 6671If I abstain from fun and such, 6672I'll probably amount to much; 6673But I shall stay the way I am, 6674Because I do not give a damn. 6675 -- Dorothy Parker 6676% 6677If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. 6678% 6679If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the 6680plantation and go home. 6681 -- Eugene P. Gallagher 6682% 6683If I had any humility I would be perfect. 6684 -- Ted Turner 6685% 6686"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." 6687 -- Albert Einstein 6688% 6689If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the 6690shoulders of giants. 6691 -- Isaac Newton 6692 6693In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side 6694with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. 6695 -- Gerald Holton 6696 6697If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing 6698on my shoulders. 6699 -- Hal Abelson 6700 6701In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. 6702 -- Brian K. Reid 6703% 6704If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. 6705 6706On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is 6707also a psychological interaction. 6708 6709The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so 6710friendly. 6711 6712The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. 6713 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 6714% 6715If I traveled to the end of the rainbow 6716As Dame Fortune did intend, 6717Murphy would be there to tell me 6718The pot's at the other end. 6719 -- Bert Whitney 6720% 6721If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? 6722% 6723If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. 6724% 6725If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. 6726They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun 6727of it. 6728 -- Thomas Carlyle 6729% 6730"If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they 6731forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll 6732just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. 6733And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* 6734pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! 6735And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and 6736think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to 6737receive Net Mail ..." 6738 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom 6739% 6740If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. 6741% 6742If little else, the brain is an educational toy. 6743 -- Tom Robbins 6744% 6745If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women 6746you've got in the house. 6747 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 6748% 6749If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by 6750the page number. 6751% 6752If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. 6753% 6754"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think 6755little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and 6756Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination." 6757 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) 6758% 6759If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. 6760 -- A. Einstein. 6761% 6762If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit 6763in my name at a Swiss bank. 6764 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 6765% 6766If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. 6767% 6768If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without 6769having to accomplish anything. 6770% 6771If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, 6772he should see how bad it is with representation. 6773% 6774If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of 6775arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the 6776physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker 6777entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. 6778 -- Vannevar Bush 6779% 6780If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied 6781harder. 6782 -- Pope John Paul I 6783% 6784"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem." 6785 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 6786% 6787If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would 6788presumably flunk it. 6789 -- Stanley Garn 6790% 6791If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. 6792 -- Norm Schryer 6793% 6794If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to 6795get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. 6796See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving 6797the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting 6798that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The 6799college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious 6800and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to 6801rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. 6802Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure 6803interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by 6804opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for 6805himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for 6806boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. 6807 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 6808% 6809"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for 6810me!" 6811 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) 6812% 6813If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances 6814are 50-50 it will. 6815% 6816If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If 6817the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the 6818bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will 6819exceed all expectations. 6820 -- Reverend Chichester 6821% 6822If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. 6823% 6824If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that 6825will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 6826% 6827If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? 6828 -- Art Hoppe 6829% 6830If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make 6831something out of you. 6832 -- Muhammad Ali 6833% 6834If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. 6835% 6836If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. 6837% 6838If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? 6839% 6840If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was 6841yesterday? 6842% 6843If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is 6844doing the thinking. 6845 -- Lyndon Baines Johnson 6846% 6847If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 6848 -- Laurence J. Peter 6849% 6850"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely" 6851% 6852"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage." 6853% 6854If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel 6855in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary 6856qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. 6857 -- Marguerite Emmons 6858% 6859If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? 6860 -- Ann Edwards-Duff 6861% 6862"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." 6863 -- J. Paul Getty 6864% 6865If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. 6866% 6867If you can read this, you're too close. 6868% 6869If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. 6870% 6871If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a 6872call. 6873% 6874If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. 6875% 6876If you cannot convince them, confuse them. 6877 -- Harry S Truman 6878% 6879If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? 6880% 6881If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 6882% 6883If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. 6884 -- Clarence Day 6885% 6886If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. 6887 -- Freeman Dyson 6888% 6889"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little 6890Lavoris in the toilet." 6891 -- Jay Leno 6892% 6893If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to 6894either of you for the rest of the day. 6895% 6896"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to 6897have to get a toehold in the public eye." 6898% 6899If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody 6900will. 6901% 6902If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it 6903will always do it. 6904 -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin 6905% 6906"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is 6907make the rubble bounce" 6908 -- Winston Churchill 6909% 6910If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. 6911% 6912If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. 6913% 6914"If you have to hate, hate gently" 6915% 6916If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to 6917boot yourself in the posterior. 6918 -- A. J. Liebling 6919% 6920If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. 6921% 6922If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. 6923 -- Graham Summer 6924% 6925If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few 6926people die past the age of a hundred. 6927 -- George Burns 6928% 6929If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you 6930really make them think they'll hate you. 6931% 6932If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. 6933 -- Maslow 6934% 6935If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure 6936can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly 6937develop. 6938% 6939If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite 6940you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. 6941 -- Mark Twain 6942% 6943If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, 6944you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get 6945ice, but no cup. 6946% 6947If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But 6948this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is 6949somehow enobled and none dare criticize it. 6950% 6951If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're 6952the sucker. 6953% 6954If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. 6955% 6956If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, 6957It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. 6958 Or some joker who is slicker, 6959 Will trick you of your liquor, 6960If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. 6961% 6962If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. 6963 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard 6964% 6965If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens 6966tomorrow! 6967% 6968If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car 6969payments. 6970 -- Earl Wilson 6971% 6972If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. 6973 -- Arthur Kasspe 6974% 6975If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest 6976shopping center in the world? 6977 -- Richard M. Nixon 6978% 6979If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest 6980shopping center in the world? 6981 -- Richard Nixon 6982% 6983If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would 6984be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call 6985you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw 6986another party next year. 6987 6988What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up 6989several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've 6990been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to 6991avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning 6992parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from 6993having another one ... 6994 6995If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless 6996your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas 6997through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure 6998that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting 6999someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... 7000% 7001If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them 7002end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. 7003 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" 7004% 7005"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything." 7006 -- A. L. 7007% 7008If you want divine justice, die. 7009 -- Nick Seldon 7010% 7011If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people 7012he gave it to. 7013 -- Dorthy Parker 7014% 7015If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the 7016Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's 7017statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington 7018telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with 7019titles beginning with the word "National". 7020 -- George Will 7021% 7022If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every 7023word you say, talk in your sleep. 7024% 7025"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some 7026memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, 7027even if they don't know what it means." 7028 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" 7029% 7030If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one. 7031% 7032If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for 7033tomorrow morning, sleep late. 7034 -- Henny Youngman 7035% 7036If you're happy, you're successful. 7037% 7038 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs 7039around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace 7040explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The 7041"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and 7042deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the 7043better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random 7044with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives 7045you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a 7046successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. 7047 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. 7048You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How 7049difficult can it be?" 7050 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, 7051which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying 7052other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up 7053yourself for far less money. This article can help you. 7054 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 7055% 7056If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 7057% 7058If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. 7059 -- Benjamin Disraeli 7060% 7061If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? 7062% 7063"If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round 7064it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the 7065universe?" 7066% 7067If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. 7068 -- Ronald Reagan 7069% 7070Ignisecond, n.: 7071 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car 7072door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" 7073 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 7074% 7075Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux 7076 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, 7077Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex, 7078 Et le m^omerade horgrave. 7079 -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" 7080% 7081Iles's Law: 7082 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly 7083at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. 7084Neither will Iles. 7085% 7086Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the 7087land He's trying to ignore. 7088% 7089Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. 7090 -- Jules de Gaultier 7091% 7092"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the 7093usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody 7094thinks of complaining." 7095 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal 7096% 7097Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has 7098a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk 7099storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on 7100voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. 7101What's the first question that the computer community asks? 7102 7103"Is it PC compatible?" 7104% 7105Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 7106 -- Jack Paar 7107% 7108Immortality -- a fate worse than death. 7109 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 7110% 7111Impartial, adj.: 7112 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from 7113espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two 7114conflicting opinions. 7115 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7116% 7117Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the 7118mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the 7119Boss is reading it. 7120% 7121Impossible, adj.: 7122 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; 7123(2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may 7124perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. 7125 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 7126% 7127In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of 7128stairs. 7129% 7130In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled 7131waffles. 7132% 7133In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't 7134get parts. 7135% 7136In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The 7137creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across. 7138% 7139In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred 7140syrup. 7141% 7142In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only 7143we can't control when the five year period will begin. 7144% 7145 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, 7146junior, what are you up to?" 7147 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the 7148rabbit. 7149 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" 7150 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the 7151rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied 7152expression on his face. 7153 Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" 7154 "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits 7155devour wolves." 7156 "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" 7157 "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes 7158out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. 7159Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody 7160should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting 7161next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. 7162 7163The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- 7164it's your PhD advisor that really counts. 7165% 7166In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" 7167Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. 7168 -- Frank Mankiewicz 7169% 7170In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, 7171"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." 7172 -- Mark Twain 7173% 7174In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground 7175with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call 7176this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. 7177% 7178In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so 7179sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All 7180those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the 7181devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up 7182as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you. 7183 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 7184% 7185In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one 7186of the risks he takes. 7187 -- Adlai Stevenson 7188% 7189In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own 7190incompetency 7191 -- The Peter Principle 7192% 7193In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) 7194are to be treated as variables. 7195% 7196"In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of 7197nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir." 7198 -- Stuart Keate 7199% 7200In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own 7201at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. 7202% 7203In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. 7204% 7205In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools 7206will be temporarily canceled. 7207% 7208In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and 7209make it better. 7210% 7211In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle 7212a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order 7213to get her attention. 7214% 7215In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride 7216in any motor vehicle. 7217% 7218"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable." 7219 -- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery 7220% 7221In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door 7222neighbor. 7223% 7224In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. 7225% 7226In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last 7227resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but 7228inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 7229 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7230% 7231In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our 7232programming languages. 7233% 7234In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on 7235the sidewalks when a concert is on. 7236% 7237In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come 7238into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish 7239between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which 7240will only make it mushy. 7241 -- Mark Twain 7242% 7243In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your 7244pocket. 7245% 7246In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any 7247pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while 7248either flying or waiting to board a plane. 7249% 7250In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless 7251there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red 7252flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. 7253% 7254In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as 7255to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the 7256speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. 7257% 7258"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the 7259universe." 7260 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos 7261% 7262In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, 7263intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from 7264the cares of office. 7265 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7266% 7267In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds 7268and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. 7269% 7270In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying 7271of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public 7272view." 7273% 7274In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space 7275Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. 7276Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, 7277We shall encounter, counting, face to face. 7278 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 7279% 7280In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that 7281is over six feet in length. 7282% 7283In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. 7284 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 7285% 7286"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian." 7287% 7288In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. 7289% 7290In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a 7291moving automobile. 7292% 7293[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You 7294could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense 7295that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... 7296 7297And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory 7298over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we 7299didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no 7300point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; 7301we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave .... 7302 7303So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in 7304Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost 7305___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and 7306rolled back. 7307 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 7308% 7309In the beginning was the word. 7310But by the time the second word was added to it, 7311there was trouble. 7312For with it came syntax ... 7313 -- John Simon 7314% 7315In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat 7316hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am 7317training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the 7318net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any 7319preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you 7320close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be 7321empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. 7322% 7323In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 7324the proper order then why can't he? 7325% 7326In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful 7327Dead. 7328 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead 7329% 7330In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. 7331 -- Alan Perlis 7332% 7333In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or 7334a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it 7335to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by 7336forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you 7337stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit 7338punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong 7339enough to punch you. 7340 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 7341% 7342In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has 7343shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the 7344Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million 7345three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years 7346from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. 7347... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such 7348wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of 7349fact. 7350 -- Mark Twain 7351% 7352In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to 7353drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at 7354discotheques. 7355 -- Art Linkletter 7356% 7357In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take 7358my advice. 7359 -- Winston Churchill 7360% 7361In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without 7362the supervision of a licensed engineer. 7363% 7364In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse 7365along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. 7366% 7367Incumbent, n.: 7368 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. 7369 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7370% 7371... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves 7372smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is 7373not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. 7374 -- Stephen Crane 7375% 7376Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? 7377% 7378Individualists unite! 7379% 7380Infancy, n.: 7381 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven 7382lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon 7383afterward. 7384 -- Ambrose Bierce 7385% 7386Information Center, n.: 7387 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is 7388to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. 7389% 7390Ingrate, n.: 7391 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of 7392indigestion. 7393% 7394Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 7395 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 7396% 7397Ink, n.: 7398 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and 7399water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote 7400intellectual crime. 7401 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7402% 7403Innovation is hard to schedule. 7404 -- Dan Fylstra 7405% 7406Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. 7407% 7408Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the 7409salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. 7410% 7411Interpreter, n.: 7412 One who enables two persons of different languages to 7413understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to 7414the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. 7415 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7416% 7417Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. 7418% 7419 INVENTORY 7420Four be the things I am wiser to know: 7421Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. 7422 7423Four be the things I'd been better without: 7424Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 7425 7426Three be the things I shall never attain: 7427Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. 7428 7429Three be the things I shall have till I die: 7430Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. 7431% 7432Iron Law of Distribution: 7433 Them that has, gets. 7434% 7435"Irrationality is the square root of all evil" 7436 -- Douglas Hofstadter 7437% 7438Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is 7439meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a 7440soap bubble? 7441% 7442Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the 7443beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get 7444out, and such as are out wish to get in? 7445 -- Ralph Emerson 7446% 7447Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! 7448% 7449Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction 7450listen to weather forecasts and economists? 7451 -- Kelvin Throop III 7452% 7453Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune 7454tellers take economists seriously? 7455% 7456Issawi's Laws of Progress: 7457 7458 The Course of Progress: 7459 Most things get steadily worse. 7460 7461 The Path of Progress: 7462 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 7463% 7464It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working 7465as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he 7466had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, 7467"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed 7468Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival 7469came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer 7470this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the 7471Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. 7472To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's 7473your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, 7474"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" 7475% 7476It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown 7477came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and 7478applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I 7479think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the 7480wits, who believe that it is a joke. 7481% 7482It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is 7483thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have 7484drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. 7485 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7486% 7487It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself 7488that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that 7489one can learn." 7490 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman 7491% 7492It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have 7493been searching for evidence which could support this. 7494 -- Bertrand Russell 7495% 7496It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 7497% 7498It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to 7499program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in 7500organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be 7501self-critical? 7502 -- Alan Perlis 7503% 7504It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of 7505Urbana, Illinois. 7506% 7507It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will 7508not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves 7509and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like 7510mature human beings ... 7511 -- Playboy, January 1983 7512% 7513It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a 7514pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the 7515sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. 7516 -- Voltaire 7517% 7518It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what 7519they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed 7520that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so 7521much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins 7522had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But 7523conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more 7524intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. 7525 7526Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending 7527destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to 7528alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were 7529misinterpreted ... 7530 -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The 7531 Galaxy" 7532% 7533It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be 7534coming up it. 7535 -- Henry Allen 7536% 7537It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? 7538One in a million, perhaps. 7539% 7540It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark 7541% 7542It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three 7543benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never 7544to use either. 7545 -- Mark Twain 7546% 7547It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both 7548incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by 7549twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. 7550 -- Rod Serling 7551% 7552"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is 7553lightly greased." 7554 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 7555% 7556It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its 7557proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community 7558a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to 7559treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the 7560focus of attention, the harder the task. 7561 -- Sydney J. Harris 7562% 7563It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice 7564versa. 7565% 7566It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 7567% 7568It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct 7569one. 7570% 7571It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because 7572if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of 7573people. 7574 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 7575% 7576It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood 7577Boulevard at one time. 7578% 7579It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. 7580% 7581It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry 7582a tune. 7583 -- Woody Allen 7584% 7585It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so 7586ingenious. 7587% 7588It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not 7589desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. 7590 -- Woody Allen 7591% 7592It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our 7593offense consists in doubting it. 7594 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson 7595% 7596It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the 7597problem. 7598% 7599It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be 7600privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to 7601corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. 7602 -- George Bernard Shaw 7603% 7604It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. 7605 -- Gore Vidal 7606% 7607It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one 7608damn thing over and over. 7609 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 7610% 7611It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? 7612 -- Elizabeth Carpenter 7613% 7614It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a 7615pit. 7616% 7617It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that 7618virginity could be a virtue. 7619 -- Voltaire 7620% 7621It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their 7622dignity. 7623% 7624It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared 7625to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. 7626 -- Havelock Ellis 7627% 7628It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to 7629students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential 7630programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of 7631regeneration. 7632 -- Dijkstra 7633% 7634It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the 7635lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as 7636high as the eagle? 7637% 7638It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a 7639statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more 7640glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through 7641which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the 7642day, that is the highest of arts. 7643 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" 7644% 7645It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad 7646crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed 7647until the other has gone. 7648% 7649It is the business of little minds to shrink. 7650 -- Carl Sandburg 7651% 7652It is the business of the future to be dangerous. 7653 -- Hawkwind 7654% 7655It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for 7656five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But 7657it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. 7658% 7659It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the 7660future. 7661% 7662It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. 7663% 7664It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too 7665good either if you speak when your head is empty. 7666% 7667It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a 7668warning to others. 7669% 7670"It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory" 7671 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 7672% 7673It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the 7674flag. 7675% 7676It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the 7677municipality. 7678 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio 7679% 7680"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, 7681but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous." 7682 -- Robert Benchly 7683% 7684It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. 7685% 7686"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set 7687foot." 7688% 7689It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a 7690breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was 7691broken ... 7692 -- James Dent 7693% 7694"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps 7695I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I 7696don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and 7697the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual 7698charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its 7699novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but 7700yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable 7701man a lifetime." 7702 -- Thomas Aldrich 7703% 7704 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east 7705laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The 7706thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, 7707nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying 7708for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. 7709 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating 7710under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting 7711icepacks. 7712 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 7713% 7714It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like 7715the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. 7716% 7717It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on 7718the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. 7719% 7720It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human 7721nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant 7722examples. 7723 -- Charles Dickens 7724% 7725It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing 7726warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or 7727two things still safe to eat. 7728 -- Robert Fuoss 7729% 7730It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. 7731 -- Andrew Jackson 7732% 7733"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone 7734underwear." 7735% 7736It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. 7737% 7738"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it." 7739 -- Steven Wright 7740% 7741"It's a summons." 7742"What's a summons?" 7743"It means summon's in trouble." 7744 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle 7745% 7746It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. 7747 -- Churchy La Femme 7748% 7749It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. 7750% 7751"It's bad luck to be superstitious." 7752 -- Andrew W. Mathis 7753% 7754It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all. 7755 -- Marty Winch 7756% 7757"It's easier said than done." 7758 7759... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than 7760said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than 7761said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than 7762done". 7763% 7764It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 7765% 7766It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for 7767being right. 7768% 7769"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an 7770hour!" 7771 -- Macy's 7772% 7773It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. 7774% 7775It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it 7776is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It 7777isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. 7778 -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News 7779% 7780It's just a jump to the left 7781 And then a step to the right. 7782Put your hands on your hips 7783 And pull your knees in tight. 7784It's the pelvic thrust 7785 That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane 7786 7787 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! 7788 7789 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 7790% 7791"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." 7792 -- Walt Disney 7793% 7794"It's Like This" 7795 7796Even the samurai 7797have teddy bears, 7798and even the teddy bears 7799get drunk. 7800% 7801It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong 7802direction. 7803% 7804"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." 7805% 7806It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. 7807 -- Sam Goldwyn 7808% 7809It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how 7810to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. 7811 -- George Burns 7812% 7813It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. 7814 -- Phil White 7815% 7816"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either." 7817 -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston 7818% 7819It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. 7820 -- Alexander Korda 7821% 7822"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass." 7823 -- Cal Keegan 7824% 7825It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's 7826what you're taking for it... 7827% 7828It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off 7829the ground. 7830 -- Daniel B. Luten 7831% 7832It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it 7833happens. 7834 -- Woody Allen 7835% 7836It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. 7837 -- Garfield 7838% 7839It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that 7840English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many 7841other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. 7842 -- Sydney J. Harris 7843% 7844It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... 7845% 7846It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. 7847% 7848It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the 7849Devil when he is the only explanation of it. 7850% 7851It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which 7852raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody 7853not to. 7854 -- Franklin P. Jones 7855% 7856It's the thought, if any, that counts! 7857% 7858 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK 7859 by Mark Isaak 7860 7861 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL 7862character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their 7863hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices 7864are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some 7865BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it 7866to him. 7867 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, 7868he met the traveling salesman. 7869 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman 7870in high-level language. 7871 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips 7872and Apples," commented Jack. 7873 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue 7874there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." 7875 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when 7876he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she 7877started thrashing. 7878 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these 7879kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the 7880window ... 7881% 7882Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: 7883 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the 7884legislature is in session. 7885% 7886James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total 7887indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. 7888 -- Tom Stoppard 7889% 7890Jenkinson's Law: 7891 It won't work. 7892% 7893Jesus Saves, 7894Moses Invests, 7895But only Buddha pays Dividends. 7896% 7897Job Placement, n.: 7898 Telling your boss what he can do with your job. 7899% 7900Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! 7901% 7902Johnson's First Law: 7903 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the 7904most inconvenient possible time. 7905% 7906Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called 7907"Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do 7908anything loses. 7909% 7910Join the march to save individuality! 7911% 7912Jone's Law: 7913 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone 7914to blame it on. 7915% 7916Jone's Motto: 7917 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 7918% 7919Jones's First Law: 7920 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of 7921endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction 7922to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their 7923original contribution. 7924% 7925Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac 7926(and nobody cares about it). 7927 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85 7928% 7929Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good 7930solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires 7931one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the 7932winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is 7933because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise 7934mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political 7935motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the 7936whole truth. 7937 -- Stephen R. Schwambach 7938% 7939Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has 7940changed. 7941 -- Irene Peter 7942% 7943Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. 7944% 7945Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he 7946knows what it is. 7947% 7948Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you 7949get a prompt, type like hell. 7950% 7951"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't 7952immune to bullets" 7953 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" 7954% 7955"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some 7956of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?" 7957 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US 7958% 7959Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to 7960twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! 7961% 7962`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, 7963 As he landed his crew with care; 7964Supporting each man on the top of the tide 7965 By a finger entwined in his hair. 7966 7967'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: 7968 That alone should encourage the crew. 7969Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: 7970 What I tell you three times is true.' 7971% 7972Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a 7973faster rat!!! 7974% 7975Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! 7976 -- Michael J. Wagner 7977% 7978Justice is incidental to law and order. 7979 -- J. Edgar Hoover 7980% 7981Justice, n.: 7982 A decision in your favor. 7983% 7984K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; 7985 Cobol's wordy and confining; 7986 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; 7987 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them. 7988 -- The Roguelet's ABC 7989% 7990Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to 7991wear tail lights. 7992% 7993Katz' Law: 7994 Man and nations will act rationally when all other 7995possibilities have been exhausted. 7996% 7997Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. 7998% 7999Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze 8000 - Hellman's Mayonnaise 8001% 8002Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. 8003% 8004Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. 8005% 8006Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: 8007 (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc 8008 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this 8009 force is technically termed "car suck"). 8010 (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive 8011 than "Watch this!" 8012% 8013Keep you Eye on the Ball, 8014Your Shoulder to the Wheel, 8015Your Nose to the Grindstone, 8016Your Feet on the Ground, 8017Your Head on your Shoulders. 8018Now ... try to get something DONE! 8019% 8020Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most 8021automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the 8022numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the 8023driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the 8024dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know 8025what's wrong." 8026% 8027Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: 8028 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, 8029and parking for the faculty. 8030% 8031Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could 8032travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the 8033original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate 8034teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for 8035grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate 8036teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. 8037 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly 8038 Do" 8039% 8040Kin, n.: 8041 An affliction of the blood 8042% 8043Kinkler's First Law: 8044 Responsibility always exceeds authority. 8045 8046Kinkler's Second Law: 8047 All the easy problems have been solved. 8048% 8049"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack." 8050% 8051Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through 8052any of its streets. 8053% 8054Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. 8055% 8056Kiss your keyboard goodbye! 8057% 8058Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. 8059% 8060Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within. 8061% 8062Kleptomaniac, n.: 8063 A rich thief. 8064 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8065% 8066Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. 8067% 8068Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. 8069 -- Henry N. Camp 8070% 8071Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): 8072 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. 8073 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 8074% 8075Labor, n.: 8076 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. 8077 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8078% 8079Lackland's Laws: 8080 (1) Never be first. 8081 (2) Never be last. 8082 (3) Never volunteer for anything 8083% 8084Lactomangulation, n.: 8085 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly 8086that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. 8087 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 8088% 8089Ladybug, ladybug, 8090Look to your stern! 8091Your house is on fire, 8092Your children will burn! 8093So jump ye and sing, for 8094The very first time 8095The four lines above 8096Have been put into rhyme. 8097 -- Walt Kelly 8098% 8099Laetrile is the pits 8100% 8101Langsam's Laws: 8102 (1) Everything depends. 8103 (2) Nothing is always. 8104 (3) Everything is sometimes. 8105% 8106Larkinson's Law: 8107 All laws are basically false. 8108% 8109Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with 8110was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting 8111pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the 8112farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their 8113sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do 8114you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? 8115What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead 8116of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under 8117the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops 8118whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which 8119Lassie filed the applications for. 8120 -- Dave Barry 8121% 8122"Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment 8123had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to 8124my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'" 8125 -- Steven Wright 8126% 8127"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police 8128record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense 8129of humor." 8130% 8131Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. 8132% 8133Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. 8134% 8135"Laughter is the closest distance between two people." 8136 -- Victor Borge 8137% 8138Law of Communications: 8139 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications 8140between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of 8141misunderstanding. 8142% 8143Law of Probable Dispersal: 8144 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly 8145distributed. 8146% 8147Law of Selective Gravity: 8148 An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 8149 8150Jenning's Corollary: 8151 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is 8152directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 8153% 8154Law of the Perversity of Nature: 8155 You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the 8156bread to butter. 8157% 8158Laws of Serendipity: 8159 8160 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for 8161 something. 8162 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already 8163 be engaged in making an inferior one. 8164% 8165Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: 8166 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- 8167approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 8168% 8169Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. 8170% 8171Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and 8172everything else follows in the same way. 8173 -- Alan J. Perlis 8174% 8175Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 8176% 8177Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the 8178fun? 8179% 8180Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: 8181 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour 8182unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a 8183drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he 8184can." 8185% 8186Leibowitz's Rule: 8187 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you 8188hold the hammer with both hands. 8189% 8190LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 8191 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are 8192 pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike 8193 honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people 8194 are thieves. 8195% 8196LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 8197 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. 8198 Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because 8199 you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of 8200 fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got 8201 a sick sense of humor. 8202% 8203Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. 8204% 8205"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a 8206number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash 8207and another number." 8208 -- James Estes 8209% 8210Let us live!!! 8211Let us love!!! 8212Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! 8213 8214You first. 8215% 8216Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every 8217relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you 8218really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the 8219end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the 8220qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and 8221bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind 8222his back." 8223 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn 8224% 8225Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick 8226your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as 8227Mental Anguish. You would sue: 8228 8229* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions 8230 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand 8231 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls 8232 in there". 8233 8234* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious 8235 cretin like yourself. 8236 8237* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this 8238 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you 8239 a large cash settlement anyway. 8240 -- Dave Barry 8241% 8242Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often 8243overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of 8244dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your 8245tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to 8246spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe 8247money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will 8248probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? 8249It's not his money. 8250 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 8251% 8252LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) 8253 8254Dear Sir, 8255 8256I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or 8257to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in 8258public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result 8259in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn 8260will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed 8261agricultural industry. 8262 8263Yours faithfully, 8264 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. 8265 Sevenoaks 8266% 8267Lewis's Law of Travel: 8268 The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to 8269anyone, ever. 8270% 8271Liar, n.: 8272 A lawyer with a roving commission. 8273 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8274% 8275Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. 8276 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick 8277% 8278LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) 8279 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your 8280 desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and 8281 polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. 8282% 8283LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) 8284 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with 8285 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. 8286 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most 8287 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal 8288 disease. 8289% 8290Lie, n.: 8291 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one 8292discovered to date. 8293% 8294Lieberman's Law: 8295 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 8296% 8297Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. 8298% 8299Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. 8300% 8301"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to 8302eat it nevertheless." 8303 -- Flaubert 8304% 8305"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it." 8306% 8307Life is like a simile. 8308% 8309Life is like an analogy 8310% 8311Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find 8312there is nothing in it. 8313% 8314"Life is too important to take seriously." 8315 -- Corky Siegel 8316% 8317"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of 8318which I disapprove." 8319% 8320"Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility" 8321 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie 8322% 8323"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it 8324weren't for other people" 8325 -- Blore 8326% 8327Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. 8328% 8329"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." 8330 -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 8331% 8332Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made 8333sense from things she found in gift shops. 8334 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 8335% 8336Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking 8337for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. 8338 -- Alan McKay 8339% 8340Limericks are art forms complex, 8341Their topics run chiefly to sex. 8342 They usually have virgins, 8343 And masculine urgin's, 8344And other erotic effects. 8345% 8346Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. 8347% 8348Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe 8349 we should think only about today. 8350Charlie Brown: 8351 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get 8352 better. 8353% 8354Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. 8355 -- Candice Bergen 8356% 8357Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip 8358around the Sun. 8359% 8360Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted 8361before. 8362% 8363Lizzie Borden took an axe, 8364And plunged it deep into the VAX; 8365Don't you envy people who 8366Do all the things ___YOU want to do? 8367% 8368Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these 8369interest rates, we don't need it." 8370% 8371Lobster: 8372 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are 8373squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the 8374only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to 8375eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial 8376before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most 8377ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime 8378in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its 8379unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of 8380the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, 8381"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a 8382memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe 8383at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. 8384Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, 8385too. 8386 -- "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils 8387 into Excuses and Apologies" 8388% 8389Lockwood's Long Shot: 8390 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't 8391one in a million, but once would be enough. 8392% 8393Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*. 8394% 8395... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and 8396legally ... impeccable! 8397% 8398Logicians have but ill defined 8399As rational the human kind. 8400Logic, they say, belongs to man, 8401But let them prove it if they can. 8402 -- Oliver Goldsmith 8403% 8404Look out! Behind you! 8405% 8406Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us 8407to pay income taxes, too? 8408 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox 8409% 8410Loose bits sink chips. 8411% 8412Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, 8413BOOGA!" 8414% 8415Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. 8416% 8417Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in 8418Halstead, Kansas. 8419% 8420Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. 8421% 8422Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. 8423% 8424Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the 8425world has ever seen. 8426% 8427Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. 8428 -- Sigmund Freud 8429% 8430"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it 8431flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." 8432 -- Matt Groening 8433% 8434Love is a word that is constantly heard, 8435Hate is a word that is not. 8436Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. 8437Love, I have read, is hot. 8438But hate is the verb that to me is superb, 8439And Love but a drug on the mart. 8440Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, 8441But Hating, my boy, is an Art. 8442 -- Ogden Nash 8443% 8444"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with 8445the ideal never goes unpunished." 8446 -- Goethe 8447% 8448Love is sentimental measles. 8449% 8450Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 8451 -- H. L. Mencken 8452% 8453Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. 8454% 8455Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. 8456 -- Louise Beal 8457% 8458Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up 8459to. 8460% 8461 Love's Drug 8462 8463My love is like an iron wand 8464 That conks me on the head, 8465My love is like the valium 8466 That I take before my bed, 8467My love is like the pint of scotch 8468 That I drink when I be dry; 8469And I shall love thee still, my dear, 8470 Until my wife is wise. 8471% 8472Lowery's Law: 8473 If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing 8474anyway. 8475% 8476LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. 8477% 8478Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: 8479 There's always one more bug. 8480% 8481Lunatic Asylum, n.: 8482 The place where optimism most flourishes. 8483% 8484Lysistrata had a good idea. 8485% 8486"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into 8487the smallest amount of thoughts." 8488 -- Winston Churchill 8489% 8490Machine-Independent, adj.: 8491 Does not run on any existing machine. 8492% 8493Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, 8494and play games -- but not with pleasure. 8495 -- Leo Rosten 8496% 8497Mad, adj.: 8498 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ... 8499 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8500% 8501Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them 8502first for seven hours, they always come out tender. 8503 -- W. C. Fields 8504% 8505MAFIA, n: 8506 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance 8507Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore 8508subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is 8509rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy 8510reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP 8511operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that 8512MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped 8513variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex 8514security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a 8515more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an 8516imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES 8517options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. 8518Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a 8519powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and 8520entire nodal aggravations. 8521 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 8522% 8523Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism 8524 8525Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. 8526 8527The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works 8528of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject 8529with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human 8530knowledge. 8531 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8532% 8533Magnocartic, adj.: 8534 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping 8535carts. 8536 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 8537% 8538Magpie, n.: 8539 A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it 8540might be taught to talk. 8541 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8542% 8543Maier's Law: 8544 If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed 8545 of. 8546 8547Corollaries: 8548 (1) The bigger the theory, the better. 8549 (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 8550 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to 8551 obtain a correspondence with the theory. 8552% 8553Main's Law: 8554 For every action there is an equal and opposite government 8555program. 8556% 8557Maintainer's Motto: 8558 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. 8559% 8560Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly 8561 as one man. 8562 8563Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 8564 8565Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 8566 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8567% 8568Majority, n.: 8569 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. 8570% 8571Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist! 8572% 8573Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users 8574tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It 8575has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is 8576the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. 8577 -- System V.2 administrator's guide 8578% 8579Malek's Law: 8580 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. 8581% 8582Man 1: Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good 8583 joke is. 8584 8585Man 2: OK, what is the most impo -- 8586 8587Man 1: ______TIMING! 8588% 8589"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." 8590 -- Lily Tomlin 8591% 8592Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called 8593upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 8594 -- Oscar Wilde 8595% 8596Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the 8597only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. 8598 -- Wernher von Braun 8599% 8600Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. 8601 -- Mark Twain 8602% 8603Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the 8604victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 8605 -- Samuel Butler 8606% 8607Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the 8608victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 8609 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) 8610% 8611Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it 8612is an enemy. 8613 -- Albert Einstein 8614% 8615Man, n.: 8616 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks 8617e is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His hief 8618occupation is extermination of other animals and his own pecies, which, 8619however, multiplies with such insistent apidity as to infest the whole 8620habitable earth and Canada. 8621 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8622% 8623Mandrell: "You know what I think?" 8624Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you 8625 don't think, right?" 8626 -- Dr. Who 8627% 8628Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, 8629dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive 8630man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the 8631air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first 8632primitive umpire. 8633 8634What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as 8635mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. 8636 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 8637% 8638Manual, n.: 8639 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a 8640given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The 8641information you need in in the others. 8642 -- Ray Simard 8643% 8644Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, 8645there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he 8646was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how 8647completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... 8648 -- Walt Kelly 8649% 8650Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: 8651 Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a 8652simple yes or no answer. 8653% 8654Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. 8655 -- Voltaire 8656% 8657Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on 8658the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam 8659dancing. 8660 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83 8661% 8662Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. 8663 -- Malcolm Smith 8664% 8665Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. 8666 -- R. Drabek 8667% 8668Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they 8669translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something 8670entirely different. 8671 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 8672% 8673Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is 8674described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can 8675play. 8676 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by 8677 James Blish 8678% 8679"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence." 8680% 8681Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a 8682receipt. 8683% 8684Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. 8685 -- Jules Feiffer 8686% 8687May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts 8688% 8689May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! 8690% 8691May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. 8692% 8693May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a 8694Thousand Caramels. 8695% 8696Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. 8697 -- R. S. Barton 8698% 8699Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge 8700it. 8701% 8702McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: 8703 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not 8704$19.95. 8705% 8706Meader's Law: 8707 Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to 8708everyone you know, only more so. 8709% 8710Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 8711% 8712Meeting, n.: 8713 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or 8714department not represented in the room must solve a problem. 8715% 8716Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures 8717from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha 8718Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man 8719had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. 8720 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams 8721% 8722Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and 8723it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin 8724very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently 8725tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... 8726 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important 8727 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the 8728 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] 8729... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your 8730cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of 8731billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even 8732more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a 8733fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the 8734older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and 8735obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the 8736window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger 8737hotshot cells moving up from below. 8738 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 8739% 8740Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: 8741 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. 8742% 8743Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: 8744 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the 8745cork makes when it is popped. 8746% 8747Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: 8748 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. 8749% 8750Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: 8751 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that 8752is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can 8753never hope to acquire it. 8754% 8755Menu, n.: 8756 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. 8757% 8758Meskimen's Law: 8759 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to 8760do it over. 8761% 8762MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched. 8763% 8764Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it. 8765% 8766methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- 8767ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- 8768phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- 8769taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- 8770glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- 8771nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- 8772minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- 8773cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- 8774leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- 8775cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- 8776lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- 8777sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- 8778cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- 8779nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- 8780nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- 8781partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- 8782glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- 8783valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- 8784cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- 8785nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- 8786rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- 8787glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- 8788sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- 8789lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- 8790glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: 8791 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a 8792 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. 8793 -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and 8794% 8795Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. 8796% 8797Micro Credo: 8798 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. 8799% 8800"Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been 8801watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks." 8802% 8803"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you 8804out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles." 8805% 8806Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" 8807Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO 8808 inconsiderate." 8809 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" 8810% 8811Miksch's Law: 8812 If a string has one end, then it has another end. 8813% 8814Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. 8815 -- Groucho Marx 8816% 8817Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. 8818 -- Groucho Marx 8819% 8820Millihelen, adj: 8821 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. 8822% 8823Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with 8824themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 8825 -- Susan Ertz 8826% 8827Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that 8828politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum 8829and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they 8830are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to 8831rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all 8832the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert 8833Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert 8834Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when 8835Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the 8836black. 8837 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" 8838% 8839Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there 8840is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, 8841myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in 8842the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my 8843unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You 8844will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as 8845dead as a door-nail. 8846% 8847Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. 8848% 8849Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap 8850pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. 8851% 8852Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. 8853% 8854Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. 8855 -- Russell Baker 8856% 8857Misfortune, n.: 8858 The kind of fortune that never misses. 8859 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8860% 8861Miss, n.: 8862 A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that 8863they are in the market. 8864 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8865% 8866Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. 8867% 8868Mitchell's Law of Committees: 8869 Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are 8870held to discuss it. 8871% 8872MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) 8873 8874 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 88752 cups water 2 cups sugar 88762 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 8877 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine 8878 Cinnamon 8879 8880Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break 8881RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar 8882and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon 8883juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously 8884with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top 8885crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let 8886steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust 8887is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. 8888 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box 8889% 8890Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. 8891% 8892Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked 8893him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just 8894last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew 8895better. 8896% 8897Molecule, n.: 8898 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished 8899from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a 8900closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of 8901matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the 8902atom in that it is an ion ... 8903 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8904% 8905Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: 8906 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented 8907it wasn't worth doing. 8908% 8909Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. 8910% 8911Monday, n.: 8912 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. 8913 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8914% 8915Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. 8916% 8917Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots 8918% 8919Money is the root of all wealth. 8920% 8921Moon, n.: 8922 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to 8923hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). 8924% 8925Mophobia, n.: 8926 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 8927% 8928 MORE SPORTS RESULTS: 8929The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last 8930Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while 8931the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the 8932Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could 8933paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player 8934took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting 8935their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player 8936said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a 8937fight and the match was called by officials. 8938% 8939More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One 8940path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total 8941extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. 8942 -- Woody Allen 8943% 8944Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: 8945 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd 8946be out of a job. 8947% 8948Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex 8949because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs 8950and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little 8951eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around 8952and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the 8953female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just 8954dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven 8955by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the 8956truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of 8957them that it doesn't make any difference. 8958 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 8959 Teen Should Know" 8960% 8961Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently 8962than they do. 8963 -- Turgenev 8964% 8965Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. 8966 -- Frank Zappa 8967% 8968Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. 8969 -- Arnold Bennett 8970% 8971Mother is the invention of necessity. 8972% 8973Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. 8974% 8975Mr. Cole's Axiom: 8976 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the 8977population is growing. 8978% 8979"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) 8980"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old 8981Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his 8982pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes 8983in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be 8984in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, 8985133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" An electronic 8986computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much 8987fun to watch. 8988 -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics) 8989% 8990Murphy's Discovery: 8991 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to 8992women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything 8993will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in 8994trouble! 8995% 8996Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't 8997work. 8998% 8999Murphy's Law of Research: 9000 Enough research will tend to support your theory. 9001% 9002"Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..." 9003 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 9004% 9005 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring 9006Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping 9007pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret 9008military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and 9009Esther and hustle them off to prison. 9010 They can't prove who they are because they've left their 9011passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day 9012and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation 9013movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, 9014charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. 9015 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where 9016they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them 9017if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call 9018her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not 9019possible, and turns to Murray. 9020 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 9021spits in the sergeants face. 9022 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 9023 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 9024% 9025Mustgo, n.: 9026 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so 9027long it has become a science project. 9028 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 9029% 9030"My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on 9031it." 9032 -- "Grendel", by John Gardner 9033% 9034My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I 9035threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. 9036First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the 9037frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up 9038the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed 9039forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier 9040perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through 9041the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative 9042crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a 9043symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state 9044in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I 9045really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded 9046OK. 9047 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 9048% 9049"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless 9050there are three other people." 9051 -- Orson Welles 9052% 9053My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand 9054times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and 9055sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right 9056through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever 9057listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just 9058log out again. 9059% 9060"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?" 9061 -- MadameX 9062% 9063My love runs by like a day in June, 9064 And he makes no friends of sorrows. 9065He'll tread his galloping rigadoon 9066 In the pathway or the morrows. 9067He'll live his days where the sunbeams start 9068 Nor could storm or wind uproot him. 9069My own dear love, he is all my heart -- 9070 And I wish somebody'd shoot him. 9071 -- Dorothy Parker 9072% 9073My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, 9074 And a wild young wood-thing bore him! 9075The ways are fair to his roaming feet, 9076 And the skies are sunlit for him. 9077As sharply sweet to my heart he seems 9078 As the fragrance of acacia. 9079My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- 9080 And I wish he were in Asia. 9081 -- Dorothy Parker 9082% 9083My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been 9084one. 9085 -- Groucho Marx 9086% 9087My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 9088% 9089My own dear love, he is strong and bold 9090 And he cares not what comes after. 9091His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, 9092 And his eyes are lit with laughter. 9093He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- 9094 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. 9095My own dear love, he is all my world -- 9096 And I wish I'd never met him. 9097 -- Dorothy Parker 9098% 9099... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling 9100Alley!! 9101% 9102"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling 9103Alley!!" 9104 -- Zippy the Pinhead 9105% 9106My pen is at the bottom of a page, 9107Which, being finished, here the story ends; 9108'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, 9109But stories somehow lengthen when begun. 9110 -- Byron 9111% 9112My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not 9113signed. 9114 -- Christopher Morley 9115% 9116"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies" 9117% 9118Mythology, n.: 9119 The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its 9120origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished 9121from the true accounts which it invents later. 9122 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9123% 9124 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); 9125 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); 9126 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); 9127 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); 9128 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); 9129 9130 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word. 9131% 9132Naeser's Law: 9133 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it 9134damnfoolproof. 9135% 9136NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he 9137 says is wrong. 9138GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says 9139 will be right. 9140 -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" 9141% 9142Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant 9143said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next 9144time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone 9145might steal it." 9146% 9147Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the 9148villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," 9149said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the 9150villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The 9151remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he 9152said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of 9153my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually 9154spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to. 9155% 9156Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to 9157serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk 9158into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?" 9159"Never." "Then how do you know it was me?" 9160% 9161Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful 9162than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the 9163light more." 9164% 9165Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver 9166pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of 9167meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, 9168"Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without 9169the recipe?" 9170% 9171Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of 9172conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the 9173fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he 9174is most likely to be creamed? 9175 -- Solomon Short 9176% 9177Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, 9178God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. 9179 9180It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! 9181Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. 9182% 9183Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it 9184cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. 9185 -- Fran Leibowitz 9186% 9187Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's 9188character, give him power. 9189 -- Abraham Lincoln 9190% 9191Necessity is a mother. 9192% 9193Neckties strangle clear thinking. 9194 -- Lin Yutang 9195% 9196Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. 9197% 9198Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. 9199% 9200Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. 9201% 9202Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. 9203% 9204Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off 9205% 9206Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled 9207with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to 9208change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually 9209fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators 9210have windows. 9211% 9212Never eat more than you can lift. 9213 -- Miss Piggy 9214% 9215Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 9216% 9217Never let your schooling interfere with your education. 9218% 9219Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. 9220 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" 9221% 9222Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to 9223make it complex and wonderful. 9224% 9225Never offend people with style when you can offend them with 9226substance. 9227 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 9228% 9229Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. 9230% 9231Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a 9232law against it by that time. 9233% 9234Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. 9235% 9236Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. 9237% 9238Never try to outstubborn a cat. 9239 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 9240% 9241Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. 9242 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS 9243% 9244"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon." 9245% 9246Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's 9247supposed to do. 9248 -- R. A. Heinlein 9249% 9250New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. 9251% 9252New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in 9253any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. 9254% 9255New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of 9256Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. 9257% 9258New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. 9259 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book 9260% 9261New systems generate new problems. 9262% 9263New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and 9264his wife most often reminds him to act it. 9265 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 9266% 9267New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. 9268% 9269New York's got the ways and means; 9270Just won't let you be. 9271 -- The Grateful Dead 9272% 9273Newlan's Truism: 9274 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government 9275economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. 9276% 9277NEWS FLASH!! 9278 Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West 9279 German pole-vault champion. 9280% 9281 *** NEWSFLASH *** 9282Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven! 9283% 9284Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. 9285% 9286Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: 9287 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. 9288% 9289Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't 9290have a lucky day this year. 9291% 9292Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying 9293as an income tax refund. 9294 -- F. J. Raymond 9295% 9296"Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice." 9297 -- Foghorn Leghorn 9298% 9299Nihilism should commence with oneself. 9300% 9301Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name 9302correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into 9303(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but 9304Americans call him by value. 9305% 9306Nine megs for the secretaries fair, 9307Seven megs for the hackers scarce, 9308Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, 9309Three megs for system source; 9310 9311One disk to rule them all, 9312One disk to bind them, 9313One disk to hold the files 9314And in the darkness grind 'em. 9315% 9316Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes 9317 And tapes without any tracks; 9318Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes 9319 And tapes mixed up on the racks -- 9320 Take hold of the tape 9321 And pull off the strip, 9322 And then you'll be sure 9323 Your tape drive will skip. 9324 9325 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 9326% 9327"Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they 9328would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect 9329that much." 9330 -- Augustine 9331% 9332Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: 9333 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of 9334the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. 9335% 9336"Nirvana? Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends 9337hang out. 9338 -- Zonker Harris 9339% 9340No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless 9341absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. 9342 -- Fran Lebowitz 9343% 9344No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a 9345camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform 9346effectively under such difficult conditions. 9347 -- Laurence J. Peter 9348% 9349No good deed goes unpunished. 9350 -- Clare Boothe Luce 9351% 9352No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after 9353eating one peanut. 9354 -- Channing Pollock 9355% 9356No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. 9357% 9358No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will 9359seriously cramp his style. 9360% 9361No matter what other nations may say about the United States, 9362immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. 9363% 9364No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 9365 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 9366% 9367"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid." 9368% 9369No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval 9370system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of 9371the author. 9372 -- Chris Shaw 9373% 9374No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- 9375He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. 9376Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame 9377And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. 9378CHORUS: 9379 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 9380 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 9381 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 9382 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 9383Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails 9384And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. 9385All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff 9386But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" 9387 (chorus) 9388Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. 9389The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. 9390A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, 9391But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! 9392 (chorus) 9393% 9394No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 9395% 9396No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. 9397% 9398"No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied 9399occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an 9400indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining 9401occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as 9402an indication-applied occurrence." 9403 -- ALGOL 68 Report 9404% 9405"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of 9406paper." 9407 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was 9408 taken over by Rupert Murdoch 9409% 9410 No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider 9411the furniture! 9412 -- Sherlock Holmes 9413% 9414"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'" 9415 -- Dr. Who 9416% 9417Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing 9418it. 9419 -- Tallulah Bankhead 9420% 9421NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION 9422% 9423Nobody said computers were going to be polite. 9424% 9425Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in 9426order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the 9427substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young 9428and rob the old. 9429 -- Lewis Lapham 9430% 9431Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with 9432constructive praise. 9433% 9434Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: 9435 Negative expectations yield negative results. 9436 Positive expectations yield negative results. 9437% 9438Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. 9439% 9440Noncombatant, n.: 9441 A dead Quaker. 9442 -- Ambrose Bierce 9443% 9444Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. 9445% 9446"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong." 9447% 9448Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 9449% 9450Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the 9451Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats 9452in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the 9453moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a 9454dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every 9455respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside 9456it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, 9457then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they 9458chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... 9459 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 9460% 9461"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none." 9462 -- Shakespeare 9463% 9464"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper 9465is from the wrong kind of tree." 9466 -- Professor W. 9467% 9468Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter 9469of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund 9470is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- 9471unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is 9472careful not to make any poultry jokes ... 9473 -- Woody Allen 9474% 9475Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. 9476% 9477Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. 9478% 9479Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... 9480 9481To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the 9482light comes on. 9483% 9484Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. 9485 -- Andrew Young 9486% 9487Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires 9488tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. 9489 -- Nero Wolfe 9490% 9491Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. 9492Conscience makes egotists of us all. 9493 -- Oscar Wilde 9494% 9495Nothing recedes like success. 9496 -- Walter Winchell 9497% 9498Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited 9499love. 9500 -- Charlie Brown 9501% 9502November, n.: 9503 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 9504 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9505% 9506Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. 9507% 9508Now I lay me down to sleep 9509I pray the double lock will keep; 9510May no brick through the window break, 9511And, no one rob me till I awake. 9512% 9513"Now is the time for all good men to come to." 9514 -- Walt Kelly 9515% 9516Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next 9517time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV 9518to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for 9519eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself 9520the following questions: 9521 9522(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a 9523 food? 9524(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich 9525 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 9526(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as 9527 prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with 9528 double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living 9529 right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like 9530 longer.) 9531 9532That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. 9533% 9534"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called 9535Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that 9536were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..." 9537 -- "The Begatting of a President" 9538% 9539"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a 9540smurfette." 9541 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 9542% 9543... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to 9544get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in 9545the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs 9546on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage 9547children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a 9548snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn 9549to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about 9550a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an 9551outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does 9552he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect 9553Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks 9554Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some 9555kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your 9556children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop 9557quickly. 9558 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9559% 9560 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home 9561tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. 9562 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell 9563plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where 9564they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of 9565Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon 9566administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, 9567you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and 9568described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with 9569interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools 9570that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. 9571 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it 9572inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the 9573so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off 9574if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to 9575direct sunlight. 9576 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 9577% 9578"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile." 9579 -- Karl Lehenbauer 9580% 9581"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of 9582normal routines, for children and adults alike." 9583 -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack" 9584% 9585"Nuclear war would really set back cable." 9586 -- Ted Turner 9587% 9588[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. 9589 -- Edwin Meese III 9590% 9591Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. 9592% 9593(null cookie; hope that's ok) 9594% 9595Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're 9596guessing. 9597% 9598O give me a home, 9599Where the buffalo roam, 9600Where the deer and the antelope play, 9601Where seldom is heard 9602A discouraging word, 9603'Cause what can an antelope say? 9604% 9605O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: 9606 Murphy was an optimist. 9607% 9608"Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a 9609fake?" 9610% 9611Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the 9612reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest 9613amount of hot air. 9614 -- Thomas L. Martin 9615% 9616Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. 9617 -- Plato 9618% 9619Of all the words of witch's doom 9620There's none so bad as which and whom. 9621The man who kills both which and whom 9622Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. 9623 -- Fletcher Knebel 9624% 9625"Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power 9626tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..." 9627 -- Crazy Nigel 9628% 9629Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. 9630% 9631Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. 9632And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a 9633blazer. 9634% 9635Office Automation, n.: 9636 The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone 9637you would want to talk with over coffee. 9638% 9639Ogden's Law: 9640 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch 9641up. 9642% 9643Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo! 9644% 9645Oh don't the days seem lank and long 9646 When all goes right and none goes wrong, 9647And isn't your life extremely flat 9648 With nothing whatever to grumble at! 9649% 9650Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 9651 I muck with indices and structs all day 9652And when it works, I shout hoo-ray 9653 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 9654% 9655Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd 9656be irresponsible, too. 9657 -- Lichty & Wagner 9658% 9659Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, 9660And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; 9661Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth 9662Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things 9663You have not dreamed of -- 9664Wheeled and soared and swung 9665High in the sunlit silence. 9666Hovering there 9667I've chased the shouting wind along and flung 9668My eager craft through footless halls of air. 9669Up, up along delirious, burning blue 9670I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, 9671Where never lark, or even eagle flew; 9672And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod 9673The high untrespassed sanctity of space, 9674Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. 9675 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" 9676% 9677Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. 9678% 9679Oh, when I was in love with you, 9680 Then I was clean and brave, 9681And miles around the wonder grew 9682 How well did I behave. 9683 9684And now the fancy passes by, 9685 And nothing will remain, 9686And miles around they'll say that I 9687 Am quite myself again. 9688 -- A. E. Housman 9689% 9690Oh, wow! Look at the moon! 9691% 9692"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard." 9693 -- Dr. Joy 9694% 9695OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything. 9696% 9697Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. 9698 -- Trotsky 9699% 9700Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. 9701% 9702Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. 9703% 9704Oliver's Law: 9705 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need 9706it. 9707% 9708Omnibiblious, adj.: 9709 Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything. 9710I'm omnibiblious." 9711% 9712OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of 9713JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O 9714as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ... 9715WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES? 9716% 9717On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: 9718 9719"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." 9720 -- Wolfgang Pauli 9721% 9722On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 9723nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 9724what it does. 9725 -- Will Rogers 9726% 9727 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in 9728receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's 9729income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than 9730$283 on the desk before the cashier. 9731 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That 9732route never brought in money like this! What happened?" 9733 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured 9734business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and 9735worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" 9736% 9737On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are 9738created jerks. 9739 -- Avery 9740% 9741On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are 9742created jerks. 9743 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 9744% 9745On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a 9746POINT ... 9747% 9748On the subject of C program indentation: 9749 9750 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be 9751 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." 9752 -- Blair P. Houghton 9753% 9754"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray, 9755Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right 9756answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of 9757confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." 9758 -- Charles Babbage 9759% 9760On-line, adj.: 9761 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a 9762computer. 9763% 9764Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were 9765forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. 9766 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" 9767% 9768Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that 9769each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his 9770choice. 9771 9772In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians 9773called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" 9774and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People 9775passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy 9776Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" 9777 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9778% 9779Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, 9780Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". 9781Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your 9782principals or your mistress". 9783% 9784Once Law was sitting on the bench 9785 And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 9786"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! 9787 Nor come before me creeping. 9788Upon you knees if you appear, 9789'Tis plain you have no standing here." 9790 9791Then Justice came. His Honor cried: 9792 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" 9793"Amica curiae," she replied -- 9794 "Friend of the court, so please you." 9795"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- 9796I never saw your face before!" 9797 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9798% 9799Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human 9800beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by 9801side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them 9802which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the 9803sky. 9804 -- Rainer Rilke 9805% 9806 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a 9807great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to 9808the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of 9809life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But 9810one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is 9811going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I 9812shall die of boredom." 9813 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that 9814current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the 9815rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" 9816 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, 9817and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. 9818Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current 9819lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 9820 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, 9821"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the 9822Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current 9823said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us 9824free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this 9825adventure. 9826 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to 9827the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. 9828% 9829Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of 9830us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of 9831the smaller prime numbers. 9832 98332: The Odd Prime -- 9834 It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED. 98353: The True Prime -- 9836 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true." 983731: The Arbitrary Prime -- 9838 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime 9839 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 9840 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the 9841 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none 9842 at all. 9843 9844Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are 9845derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but 9846true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. 9847% 9848... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you 9849with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday 9850shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday 9851advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a 9852shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take 9853them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. 9854 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9855% 9856Once, adv.: 9857 Enough. 9858 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9859% 9860One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least 9861somebody's listening. 9862 -- Franklin P. Jones 9863% 9864"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." 9865 9866Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. 9867The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. 9868 -- Chuq Von Rospach 9869% 9870One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. 9871% 9872One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing 9873how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. 9874 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi 9875% 9876One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell 9877the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald 9878announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to 9879a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The 9880captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth 9881-- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin, 9882"to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if 9883I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!" 9884"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." 9885% 9886One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet 9887when well oiled. 9888% 9889One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they 9890never have to stop and answer the phone. 9891% 9892One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. 9893 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) 9894% 9895One learns to itch where one can scratch. 9896 -- Ernest Bramah 9897% 9898One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as 9899one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will 9900produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to 9901represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as 9902many ... 9903 -- Anthony Chevins 9904% 9905One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. 9906% 9907One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How 9908will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, 9909I'll tell you." 9910% 9911One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 9912% 9913One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible 9914from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at 9915least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts 9916are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but 9917when He's good, nobody can touch Him. 9918 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 9919% 9920One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to 9921do and always a clever thing to say. 9922 -- Will Durant 9923% 9924"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, 9925lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of 9926their C programs." 9927 -- Robert Firth 9928% 9929One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God 9930create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy 9931retail." 9932 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 9933% 9934 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How 9935enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? 9936 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many 9937years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. 9938Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple 9939language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for 9940students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for 9941interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of 9942its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on 9943VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 9944 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will 9945run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and 9946will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 9947 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and 9948quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With 9949VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of 9950documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the 9951difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS 9952is that it's all there. 9953 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 9954% 9955One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your 9956seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best 9957way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who 9958fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become 9959disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. 9960% 9961The Seventh Commandments for Technicians 9962 Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy 9963fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in 9964other ways. 9965% 9966The First Commandment for Technicians: 9967 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 9968capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most 9969untechnician-like manner. 9970% 9971One Page Principle: 9972 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch 9973paper cannot be understood. 9974 -- Mark Ardis 9975% 9976"One planet is all you get." 9977% 9978One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could 9979manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that 9980they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's 9981say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding 9982study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by 9983sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, 9984strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus 9985rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also 9986be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. 9987Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle 9988Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save 9989millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently 9990support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that 9991your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members 9992of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are 9993already too large to fit on normal aircraft. 9994 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 9995% 9996One reason why George Washington 9997Is held in such veneration: 9998He never blamed his problems 9999On the former Administration. 10000 -- George O. Ludcke 10001% 10002One seldom sees a monument to a committee. 10003% 10004One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh 10005paint. 10006% 10007"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that 10008sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of 10009sheer terror." 10010 -- W. K. Hartmann 10011% 10012One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a 10013new model. 10014% 10015One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. 10016% 10017One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned 10018at the stake while the votes were being counted. 10019 -- Thomas B. Reed 10020% 10021One-Shot Case Study, n.: 10022 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which 10023it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes 10024green. 10025% 10026Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. 10027% 10028Only God can make random selections. 10029% 10030Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to 10031use the editorial "we." 10032% 10033Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. 10034% 10035Optimization hinders evolution. 10036% 10037Optimization hinders evolution. 10038% 10039Oregano, n.: 10040 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. 10041% 10042Oregon, n.: 10043 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday 10044night. 10045% 10046Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry 10047is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. 10048 -- Mike Adams 10049% 10050Osborn's Law: 10051 Variables won't; constants aren't. 10052% 10053Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your 10054nails. 10055% 10056Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is 10057they charge fifteen cents for them. 10058% 10059Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the 10060office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we 10061were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of 10062juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop. 10063 10064He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" 10065 10066Her reply: 10067 10068 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it 10069 means to be a programmer." 10070% 10071Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. 10072 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, 10073 In kernel as it is in user! 10074% 10075Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. 10076 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries 10077% 10078... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce 10079Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One 10080thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If 10081somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it 10082on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what 10083a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. 10084 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" 10085% 10086"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." 10087 -- Alex Schure 10088% 10089"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." 10090 -- Alex Schure 10091% 10092Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. 10093 -- General Omar N. Bradley 10094% 10095 OUTCONERR 10096Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes 10097 Did logzerneg the ifthen block 10098All kludgy were the function flows 10099 And subroutines adhoc. 10100 10101Beware the runtime-bug my friend 10102 squrooneg, the false goto 10103Beware the infiniteloop 10104 And shun the inprectoo. 10105% 10106"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, 10107it's too dark to read." 10108 -- Groucho Marx 10109% 10110Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now 10111I can remember things that *have* happened before ... 10112% 10113Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! 10114% 10115Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. 10116% 10117Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. 10118% 10119Ozman's Laws: 10120 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he 10121 won't. 10122 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they 10123 make. 10124 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 10125 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. 10126% 10127Painting, n.: 10128 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and 10129exposing them to the critic. 10130 -- Ambrose Bierce 10131% 10132panic: can't find / 10133% 10134panic: kernel trap (ignored) 10135% 10136Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much 10137better. 10138 -- Laurie Anderson 10139% 10140Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. 10141% 10142Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. 10143% 10144Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. 10145% 10146Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to 10147criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. 10148 -- D. J. Hicks 10149% 10150Pardo's First Postulate: 10151 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or 10152fattening. 10153 10154Arnold's Addendum: 10155 Everything else causes cancer in rats. 10156% 10157Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction. 10158% 10159Parker's Law: 10160 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. 10161% 10162Parkinson's Fifth Law: 10163 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good 10164bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 10165% 10166Parkinson's Fourth Law: 10167 The number of people in any working group tends to increase 10168regardless of the amount of work to be done. 10169% 10170Parsley 10171 is gharsley. 10172 -- Ogden Nash 10173% 10174Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. 10175% 10176"Pascal is not a high-level language." 10177 -- Steven Feiner 10178% 10179"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat." 10180 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 10181% 10182Pascal Users: 10183 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the 10184death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. 10185% 10186Pascal, n.: 10187 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in 10188his grave if he knew about it. 10189% 10190Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. 10191 -- Eric Hoffer 10192% 10193Patageometry, n.: 10194 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant 10195under brain transplants. 10196% 10197Paul Revere was a tattle-tale 10198% 10199Paul's Law: 10200 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you 10201save. 10202% 10203Paul's Law: 10204 You can't fall off the floor. 10205% 10206Peace, n.: 10207 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two 10208periods of fighting. 10209 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10210% 10211Peanut Blossoms 10212 102134 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 102144 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 102154 cups shortening 14 cups flour 102168 eggs 4 tsp. soda 102174 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt 10218 10219Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie 10220sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a 10221Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a 10222hell of a lot. 10223% 10224Pecor's Health-Food Principle: 10225 Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in 10226it. 10227% 10228Pedaeration, n.: 10229 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the 10230sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. 10231 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 10232% 10233Penguin Trivia #46: 10234 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. 10235 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 10236% 10237People need good lies. There are too many bad ones. 10238 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 10239% 10240People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of 10241the future. 10242% 10243"People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense." 10244 -- Ken Kesey 10245% 10246People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. 10247% 10248People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better 10249press than people who are just funny and smart. 10250 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" 10251% 10252People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never 10253slept in a room with a single mosquito. 10254% 10255People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who 10256haven't what they want that they don't want it. 10257 -- Ogden Nash 10258% 10259People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that 10260Benjamin Franklin said it first. 10261% 10262People will buy anything that's one to a customer. 10263% 10264People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they 10265did yesterday. 10266% 10267Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. 10268"Confound those who have said our remarks before us." 10269 -- Aelius Donatus 10270% 10271Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. 10272% 10273Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but 10274when there is no longer anything to take away. 10275 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 10276% 10277Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 10278% 10279Peter's Law of Substitution: 10280 Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after 10281themselves. 10282% 10283Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to 10284exciting Camden, New Jersey. 10285% 10286Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. 10287% 10288Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. 10289 -- John Keats 10290% 10291Pick another fortune cookie. 10292% 10293"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional 10294hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational 10295sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..." 10296% 10297Pig, n.: 10298 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race 10299by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is 10300inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. 10301 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10302% 10303PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) 10304 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being 10305followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your 10306associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack 10307confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible 10308things to small animals. 10309% 10310PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) 10311 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the 10312American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as 10313nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will 10314probably get run over by a bus. 10315% 10316 Pittsburgh Driver's Test 10317 10318(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light 10319 but a steady left tail light. This means 10320 10321 (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn 10322 to call the problem to the driver's attention. 10323 (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. 10324 (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. 10325 (d) the driver is from out of town. 10326 10327The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign 10328countries to signal turns. 10329% 10330 Pittsburgh Driver's Test 10331 10332(8) Pedestrians are 10333 10334 (a) irrelevant. 10335 (b) communists. 10336 (c) a nuisance. 10337 (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. 10338 10339The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are 10340totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. 10341% 10342Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. 10343 -- Don Marquis 10344% 10345PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the 10346solution set. 10347 -- E. W. Dijkstra 10348% 10349"Plaese porrf raed." 10350 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase 10351% 10352Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia 10353because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers 10354couldn't compete successfully with poets. 10355 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half 10356 Shell" 10357% 10358Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill 10359them. 10360% 10361Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic 10362table. 10363 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 10364% 10365Please ignore previous fortune. 10366% 10367Please take note: 10368% 10369Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" 10370until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched 10371out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, 10372and such. 10373 -- N. Meyrowitz 10374% 10375Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? 10376% 10377 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, 10378requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm 10379into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing 10380problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the 10381radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how 10382plumbing works. 10383 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, 10384except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, 10385it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets 10386and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at 10387all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can 10388kill you. 10389 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 10390% 10391PLUNDERER'S THEME 10392(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) 10393 10394Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 10395If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. 10396Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. 10397Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 10398% 10399Pohl's law: 10400 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. 10401% 10402Police: Good evening, are you the host? 10403Host: No. 10404Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. 10405Host: About the drugs? 10406Police: No. 10407Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? 10408Police: No, the noise. 10409Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns 10410 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the 10411 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? 10412 The neighbors? 10413Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent 10414 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could 10415 ask the host to quiet things down? 10416Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive 10417 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living 10418 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the 10419 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out 10420 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind 10421 down. 10422% 10423Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell 10424all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. 10425% 10426Politician, n.: 10427 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of 10428organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the 10429agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared 10430with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. 10431 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10432% 10433Politician, n.: 10434 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or 10435"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence 10436"polytetien", a person of two or more faces. 10437 -- Martin Pitt 10438% 10439Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even 10440where there is no river. 10441 -- Nikita Khrushchev 10442% 10443Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough 10444to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. 10445% 10446Polymer physicists are into chains. 10447% 10448Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the 10449Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The 10450white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before 10451it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his 10452name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with 10453laughter, singing 10454 Half a pound of tuppenny rice 10455 Half a pound of treacle 10456 That's the way the chimney smokes 10457 Pope Goestheveezl 10458The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of 10459laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for 10460hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron 10461Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653. 10462 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 10463% 10464Portable, adj.: 10465 Survives system reboot. 10466% 10467Positive, adj.: 10468 Mistaken at the top of one's voice. 10469 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10470% 10471Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. 10472% 10473"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat" 10474 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987 10475% 10476Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. 10477% 10478Power, n: 10479 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. 10480% 10481Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little 10482more time for dreaming. 10483 -- J. P. McEvoy 10484% 10485Predestination was doomed from the start. 10486% 10487President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and 10488forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. 10489% 10490President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the 10491vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. 10492 -- The Washington Post 10493% 10494Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! 10495% 10496Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: 10497 It's on the other side. 10498% 10499[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves 10500to see him work. 10501 -- Winston Churchill 10502% 10503Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. 10504% 10505Probable-Possible, my black hen, 10506She lays eggs in the Relative When. 10507She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now 10508Because she's unable to postulate how. 10509 -- Frederick Winsor 10510% 10511Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have 10512orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which 10513is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. 10514 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 10515 Teen Should Know" 10516% 10517Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data 10518 encryption standard and they came up with ... 10519Student: EBCDIC!" 10520% 10521Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. 10522Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on 10523his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's 10524earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30% 10525% 10526Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. 10527 10528This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction 10529techniques are very popular, even the military used them. 10530 10531SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. 10532 10533 We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true 10534for every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n 10535as large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is 10536trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We 10537can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just 10538about _n. 10539 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") 10540% 10541Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. 10542 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. 10543(1) Horses have an even number of legs. 10544(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. 10545(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of 10546 legs for a horse. 10547(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 10548(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. 10549 10550Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by: 10551 Intimidation 10552 Gesticulation (handwaving) 10553 "Try it; it works" 10554 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) 10555 Blatant assertion 10556 Changing all the 2's to _n's 10557 Mutual consent 10558 Lack of a counterexample, and 10559 "It stands to reason" 10560% 10561Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10562 10563BBW Branch Both Ways 10564BEW Branch Either Way 10565BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full 10566BH Branch and Hang 10567BMR Branch Multiple Registers 10568BOB Branch On Bug 10569BPO Branch on Power Off 10570BST Backspace and Stretch Tape 10571CDS Condense and Destroy System 10572CLBR Clobber Register 10573CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately 10574CM Circulate Memory 10575CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming 10576CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip 10577CRN Convert to Roman Numerals 10578% 10579Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10580 10581DC Divide and Conquer 10582DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key 10583DO Divide and Overflow 10584EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator 10585EPI Execute Programmer Immediately 10586EROS Erase Read Only Storage 10587EXCE Execute Customer Engineer 10588HCF Halt and Catch Fire 10589IBP Insert Bug and Proceed 10590INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) 10591PBC Print and Break Chain 10592PDSK Punch Disk 10593% 10594Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10595 10596PI Punch Invalid 10597POPI Punch Operator Immediately 10598PVLC Punch Variable Length Card 10599RASC Read And Shred Card 10600RPM Read Programmers Mind 10601RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy) 10602RTAB Rewind tape and break 10603RWDSK rewind disk 10604RWOC Read Writing On Card 10605SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write 10606SLC Search for Lost Chord 10607SPSW Scramble Program Status Word 10608SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk 10609STROM Store in Read Only Memory 10610TDB Transfer and Drop Bit 10611WBT Water Binary Tree 10612% 10613"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller 10614than the both put together." 10615% 10616Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check 10617three friends. If they're OK, you're it. 10618% 10619Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well 10620anyhow and is certainly a damn fool. 10621 -- H. L. Mencken 10622% 10623Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves 10624to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way 10625to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the 10626cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in 10627fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a 10628lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of 10629the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. 10630 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 10631% 10632Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen. 10633% 10634Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. 10635% 10636Pushing 40 is exercise enough. 10637% 10638Put no trust in cryptic comments. 10639% 10640Put your Nose to the Grindstone! 10641 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. 10642% 10643Putt's Law: 10644 Technology is dominated by two types of people: 10645 Those who understand what they do not manage. 10646 Those who manage what they do not understand. 10647% 10648Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? 10649A: One per person. 10650% 10651Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? 10652A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. 10653% 10654Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ? 10655A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 10656% 10657Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? 10658A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 10659 10660Q: How long does it take? 10661A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've 10662 brought with them. 10663 10664Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? 10665A: They replace your generator. 10666% 10667Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10668A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb 10669 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective 10670 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a 10671 maudlin cosmos of nothingness. 10672% 10673Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb 10674 in San Francisco? 10675A: Both of them. 10676% 10677Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift? 10678A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. 10679% 10680Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? 10681A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. 10682% 10683Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? 10684A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, 10685 Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of 10686 the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% 10687 of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences 10688 of non-blank characters separated by blanks". 10689% 10690Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10691A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring 10692 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government 10693 plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer 10694 prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb 10695 assassin to break the bulb in the first place. 10696% 10697Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10698A: One and a half. 10699% 10700Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10701A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem 10702 to the earlier joke. 10703% 10704Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10705A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those 10706 Californians trying to share the experience. 10707% 10708Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 10709A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub 10710 with brightly colored machine tools. 10711% 10712Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10713A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out 10714 of the way. 10715% 10716Q: What's a light-year? 10717A: One-third less calories than a regular year. 10718% 10719Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? 10720A: Because it was on the other side. 10721% 10722Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? 10723A: To stamp out forest fires. 10724 10725Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? 10726A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 10727% 10728Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? 10729A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. 10730% 10731Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What 10732 should I do? 10733 10734A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on 10735 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be 10736 the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No 10737 time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if 10738 somebody else has made the correction. 10739 10740 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're 10741 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have 10742 to inform the whole net right away! 10743 10744 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions 10745 on Netiquette" 10746% 10747Quality Control, n.: 10748 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off 10749a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. 10750% 10751Question: 10752Man Invented Alcohol, 10753God Invented Grass. 10754Who do you trust? 10755% 10756Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! 10757% 10758Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! 10759% 10760Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. 10761 10762(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) 10763% 10764Quigley's Law: 10765 Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will 10766atttempt to use it. 10767% 10768QUOTE OF THE DAY: 10769 10770 ` 10771 10772% 10773"Qvid me anxivs svm?" 10774% 10775QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 10776 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 10777kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one 10778thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a 10779painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] 10780person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. 10781 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. 10782% 10783Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. 10784% 10785Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something 10786I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of 10787computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport 10788store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told 10789all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all 10790the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are 10791they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current 10792rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on 10793Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be 10794impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying 10795goes, giving away the store? 10796 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President 10797% 10798Ray's Rule of Precision: 10799 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 10800% 10801Razors pain you; 10802Rivers are damp; 10803Acids stain you; 10804And drugs cause cramp. 10805Guns aren't lawful; 10806Nooses give; 10807Gas smells awful; 10808You might as well live. 10809 -- Dorothy Parker 10810% 10811Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe 10812the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described 10813with pictures. 10814% 10815Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of 10816Congress. But I repeat myself. 10817 -- Mark Twain 10818% 10819Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic 10820value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is 10821much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice 10822this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. 10823% 10824Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware 10825has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing 10826machines are so poor at I/O. 10827% 10828Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are 10829so long they can't afford the disk space. 10830% 10831Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write 10832in anything less portable than a number two pencil. 10833% 10834Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker 10835with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they 10836hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for 10837applications.) 10838% 10839Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run 10840on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo 10841sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet. 10842% 10843Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured 10844programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- 10845trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise 10846clear desks. 10847% 10848Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine 10849doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell 10850quiche. 10851% 10852Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it 10853should be hard to understand. 10854% 10855Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the 10856illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how 10857much good it did them. 10858% 10859Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires 10860you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers 10861wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly 10862spring up in the middle of the machine room. 10863% 10864Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write 10865in BASIC after reaching puberty. 10866% 10867Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress 10868freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who 10869wear white socks. 10870% 10871Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who 10872can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. 10873% 10874Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. 10875% 10876Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use 10877functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? 10878% 10879Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. 10880This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a 10881computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. 10882% 10883Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and 10884greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any 10885moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that 10886systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal 10887computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your 10888DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their 10889Correctness Verification Aid packages. 10890% 10891Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the 10892job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like 10893using an undocumented external procedure. 10894% 10895Real Time, adj.: 10896 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there 10897and then. 10898% 10899Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never 10900afraid to break your face. 10901% 10902Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts 10903down the system for days. 10904% 10905Real Users hate Real Programmers. 10906% 10907Real Users know your home telephone number. 10908% 10909Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your 10910program doesn't deliver it. 10911% 10912Real Users never use the Help key. 10913% 10914Real World, The n.: 10915 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may 10916be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To 10917programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related 10918to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and 10919tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4. 10920The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. 10921"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used 10922pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking 10923of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a 10924deceased person. 10925% 10926Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs. 10927% 10928Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. 10929% 10930Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? 10931 -- Patrick Sky 10932% 10933Reality is for people who lack imagination. 10934% 10935Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. 10936% 10937Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. 10938 -- Alvy Ray Smith 10939% 10940"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go 10941away". 10942 -- Philip K. Dick 10943% 10944"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!" 10945% 10946Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than 10947being flat broke and having a stomach ache. 10948 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 10949% 10950Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you 10951lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, 10952but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and 10953Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 10954recessions. 10955% 10956Reclaimer, spare that tree! 10957Take not a single bit! 10958It used to point to me, 10959Now I'm protecting it. 10960It was the reader's CONS 10961That made it, paired by dot; 10962Now, GC, for the nonce, 10963Thou shalt reclaim it not. 10964% 10965 "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" 10966Candy 10967Is dandy 10968But liquor 10969Is quicker. 10970 -- Ogden Nash 10971% 10972"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe 10973again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know 10974which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A 10975spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the 10976starfield surrounding the ship. 10977 10978"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC 10979announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they 10980are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been 10981intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and 10982transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. 10983Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." 10984 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" 10985% 10986Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: 10987 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. 10988% 10989Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. 10990 -- Anatole France 10991% 10992"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used 10993it." 10994 -- Dave Barry 10995% 10996Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be 10997worse in Cleveland. 10998 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 10999% 11000Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good 11001offense! 11002% 11003Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. 11004% 11005Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. 11006% 11007Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 11008 -- Dave Butler 11009% 11010Renning's Maxim: 11011 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. 11012% 11013Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western 11014 Civilization? 11015Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. 11016% 11017Reporter, n.: 11018 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a 11019tempest of words. 11020 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 11021% 11022REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? 11023 11024SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that 11025the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can 11026carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." 11027I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind 11028of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to 11029do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of 11030ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we 11031need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political 11032career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but 11033that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I 11034can't help it. 11035 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 11036% 11037Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. 11038 -- Wernher von Braun 11039% 11040Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get 11041another chance later on. 11042% 11043Review Questions 11044 11045(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, 11046 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before 11047 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the 11048 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? 11049 11050(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks 11051 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks 11052 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off 11053 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? 11054 11055(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers 11056 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a 11057 pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King 11058 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? 11059% 11060Rhode's Law: 11061 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, 11062circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, 11063empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, 11064induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always 11065for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, 11066material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or 11067none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, 11068proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, 11069universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it 11070becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. 11071% 11072"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time." 11073 -- Steven Wright 11074% 11075Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention 11076 Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will 11077 reject the proposal. 11078% 11079Romeo wasn't bilked in a day. 11080 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With 11081 Pogo" 11082% 11083ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. 11084MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- 11085 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. 11086% 11087Rudin's Law: 11088 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it 11089every time. 11090% 11091Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: 11092 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall 11093be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person 11094shall be deemed to be a cat. 11095% 11096Rule of Creative Research: 11097 (1) Never draw what you can copy. 11098 (2) Never copy what you can trace. 11099 (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 11100% 11101Rule of Defactualization: 11102 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. 11103% 11104Rule of Feline Frustration: 11105 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly 11106content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. 11107% 11108Rule of the Great: 11109 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep 11110thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. 11111% 11112Rules for Academic Deans: 11113 (1) HIDE!!!! 11114 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! 11115 -- Father Damian C. Fandal 11116% 11117Rules for driving in New York: 11118 (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 11119 (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers 11120 on. 11121 (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the 11122 intersection. 11123% 11124RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 11125 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. 11126 (2) Never leave the table hungry. 11127 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 11128 (4) Enjoy your food. 11129 (5) Enjoy your companion's food. 11130 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to 11131 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 11132 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, 11133 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a 11134 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? 11135 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 11136 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You 11137 can always eat it later. 11138 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 11139 (11) Avoid blue food. 11140 -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet" 11141% 11142Rules: 11143 (1) The boss is always right. 11144 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. 11145% 11146 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 11147 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. 11148 11149(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, 11150 ants. 11151(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships. 11152(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 11153(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter. 11154(5) Exotic birds flock around you. 11155(6) People ignore you at parties. 11156(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 11157(8) You no longer get off on cocaine. 11158% 11159 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 11160(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear 11161 bomb; use the stairs. 11162(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit 11163 the ground. 11164(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 11165(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to 11166 psychological problems. 11167(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to 11168 recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed 11169 potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 11170(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs 11171 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 11172(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. 11173(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be 11174 staggering illegally. 11175(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more 11176 sanitary due to limited circulation. 11177(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on 11178 D-Day. 11179% 11180SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) 11181 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless 11182 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority 11183 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People 11184 laugh at you a great deal. 11185% 11186San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. 11187 -- Herb Caen 11188% 11189San Francisco, n.: 11190 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. 11191% 11192Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. 11193 -- Mark Harrold 11194% 11195Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, 11196 He must be a communist. 11197And a beard and long hair, 11198 Must be a pacifist. 11199 11200 What's in that pipe that he's smoking? 11201 -- Arlo Guthrie 11202% 11203Satellite Safety Tip #14: 11204 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. 11205% 11206Sattinger's Law: 11207 It works better if you plug it in. 11208% 11209Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, 11210 Is like being nowhere at all, 11211All through the day how the hours rush by, 11212 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. 11213 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" 11214% 11215Sauron is alive in Argentina! 11216% 11217Save energy: be apathetic. 11218% 11219Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. 11220% 11221Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 11222% 11223"Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I 11224ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. 11225 -- Steven Wright 11226% 11227SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! 11228 -- Ken Thompson 11229% 11230Schapiro's Explanation: 11231 The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's 11232because they use more manure. 11233% 11234Schizophrenia beats being alone. 11235% 11236Schlattwhapper, n.: 11237 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, 11238hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. 11239 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11240% 11241Schnuffel, n.: 11242 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in 11243mixed company. 11244 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11245% 11246Schwiggle, n.: 11247 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a 11248pencil. 11249 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11250% 11251Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made 11252of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts 11253is not necessarily science. 11254 -- Henri Poincair'e 11255% 11256Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. 11257% 11258Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. 11259 -- William Buckley 11260 11261% 11262SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) 11263 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will 11264 achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of 11265 ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. 11266% 11267Scott's first Law: 11268 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. 11269% 11270Scott's second Law: 11271 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found 11272to have been wrong in the first place. 11273 11274Corollary: 11275 After the correction has been found in error, it will be 11276impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. 11277% 11278Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! 11279Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? 11280Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. 11281Kirk: Then it's of external origin? 11282Spock: Affirmative. 11283Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. 11284Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. 11285% 11286Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. 11287% 11288Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the 11289Presidency. 11290 -- Richard Nixon 11291% 11292Second Law of Business Meetings: 11293 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you 11294will pick the wrong one. 11295 11296Corollary: 11297 If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it 11298wrong, anyway. 11299% 11300"Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). 11301 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a 11302multiline message byte. 11303 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message 11304must be sent passive true. 11305 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: 11306 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false 11307 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: 11308 (a) The LADS is active 11309 (b) Nor LACS is active" 11310 11311 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for 11312 Programmable Instrumentation 11313% 11314Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! 11315% 11316Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. 11317She scissored short. Sorely shorn, 11318Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, 11319Silently scheming, 11320Sightlessly seeking 11321Some savage, spectacular suicide. 11322 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 11323% 11324"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..." 11325% 11326Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: 11327 Ice Cream cures all ills. 11328% 11329Self Test for Paranoia: 11330 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's 11331your own fault. 11332% 11333Seminars, n.: 11334 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. 11335% 11336Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would 11337 notify you if the record has pornographics material or 11338 material glorifying violence?" 11339Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." 11340Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's 11341 legs on the album cover is good indication that it's 11342 not for little Johnny." 11343 11344 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock 11345 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 11346% 11347Senate, n.: 11348 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and 11349misdemeanors. 11350 -- Ambrose Bierce 11351% 11352Serenity through viciousness. 11353% 11354Serocki's Stricture: 11355 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. 11356% 11357Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 11358% 11359 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated 11360thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY 11361advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." 11362 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. 11363 "Too proud?" the other enquired. 11364 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," 11365she said, "that one can't help growing older." 11366 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With 11367proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." 11368 -- Lewis Carroll 11369% 11370Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a 11371big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at 11372reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's 11373build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up 11374like crabgrass all over the United States. 11375 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 11376% 11377Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke. 11378% 11379Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 11380 -- Swami X 11381% 11382Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. 11383 -- M. C. Reed. 11384% 11385Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, 11386it's one of the best. 11387 -- Woody Allen 11388% 11389Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: 11390 A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the 11391temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. 11392 A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog 11393functionaries, and there's a joke about that: 11394 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the 11395middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be 11396bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 11397 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I 11398am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks 11399he's nobody!" 11400 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 11401% 11402Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off 11403during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. 11404 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 11405 Teen Should Know" 11406% 11407Shaw's Principle: 11408 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will 11409want to use it. 11410% 11411"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to." 11412 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 11413% 11414She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. 11415 -- Mark Twain 11416% 11417She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them 11418were bad. 11419% 11420She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could 11421have poured on a waffle ... 11422% 11423"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, 11424you should hear me play piano.'" 11425 -- Morrisey 11426% 11427She's genuinely bogus. 11428% 11429"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have 11430taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an 11431excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature." 11432 -- Samuel Johnson 11433% 11434SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! 11435POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! 11436% 11437Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is 11438playing golf with his boss. 11439% 11440Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. 11441% 11442Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. 11443 -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet 11444% 11445Silverman's Law: 11446 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 11447% 11448Simon's Law: 11449 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. 11450% 11451Since I hurt my pendulum 11452My life is all erratic. 11453My parrot, who was cordial, 11454Is now transmitting static. 11455The carpet died, a palm collapsed, 11456The cat keeps doing poo. 11457The only thing that keeps me sane 11458Is talking to my shoe. 11459 -- My Shoe 11460% 11461Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're 11462alive. 11463 -- John Sloan 11464% 11465Since we're all here, we must not be all there. 11466 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck 11467% 11468[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the 11469vices I admire. 11470 -- Winston Churchill 11471% 11472Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate 11473Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically 11474excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. 11475This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally 11476examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published 11477Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be 11478printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry 11479comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had 11480no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. 11481% 11482Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): 11483 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, 11484or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should 11485have gotten. 11486% 11487Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes 11488to work. 11489% 11490Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, 11491when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and 11492apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I 11493neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a 11494tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they 11495were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of 11496souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a 11497testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from 11498chains. 11499 -- Frederick Douglass 11500% 11501Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 11502 (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad 11503 check. 11504 (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 11505 (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is 11506 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is 11507 attracted to dark objects. 11508% 11509Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... 11510% 11511Slurm, n.: 11512 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when 11513it sits in the dish too long. 11514 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11515% 11516Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 11517 -- Fletcher Knebel 11518% 11519Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 11520 -- Fletcher Knebel 11521% 11522Snacktrek, n.: 11523 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly 11524returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have 11525materialized. 11526 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11527% 11528So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate 11529your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and 11530hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast 11531array of 8-millimeter video equipment. 11532 11533... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you 11534were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format 11535that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as 11536toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be 11537made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a 11538format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*. 11539 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics 11540 Revolution" 11541% 11542So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in 11543praise of intelligence. 11544 -- Bertrand Russell 11545% 11546... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those 11547who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, 11548and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious 11549and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. 11550 -- Voltarine de Cleyre 11551% 11552 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. 11553With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to 11554maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of 11555corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to 11556flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward 11557it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- 11558I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in 11559the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. 11560 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and 11561I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our 11562heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're 11563unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water 11564up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the 11565opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of 11566our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all 11567the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers 11568cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen 11569these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked 11570into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. 11571 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 11572% 11573"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple 11574pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops 11575its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very 11576imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, 11577and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, 11578and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the 11579gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots." 11580 -- Samuel Foote 11581% 11582... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their 11583procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as 11584to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of 11585sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making 11586documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly 11587listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another 11588documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, 11589under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the 11590effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply 11591scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White 11592in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of 11593thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 11594then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very 11595dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all 11596along. 11597 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 11598% 11599So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever 11600remember his Bible? 11601% 11602Sodd's Second Law: 11603 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is 11604bound to occur. 11605% 11606Software, n.: 11607 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. 11608% 11609Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. 11610% 11611Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. 11612 -- Ed Howe 11613% 11614Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to 11615celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around 11616stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on 11617"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind 11618of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The 11619government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level 11620Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and 11621billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which 11622it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming 11623thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with 11624the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money 11625and go to a mall. 11626 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 11627% 11628Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some 11629people have mediocrity thrust upon them. 11630 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 11631% 11632Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only 11633one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." 11634% 11635Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit 11636them on the head. 11637% 11638Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic. 11639% 11640Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when 11641you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even 11642worse. 11643 -- Avery 11644% 11645Some points to remember [about animals]: 11646 11647(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, 11648 hippopotamuses; 11649(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the 11650 front of your clothes; 11651(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs 11652 you have just kicked. 11653 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 11654% 11655Some primal termite knocked on wood. 11656And tasted it, and found it good. 11657And that is why your Cousin May 11658Fell through the parlor floor today. 11659 -- Ogden Nash 11660% 11661Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand 11662progress. 11663% 11664Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand 11665progress. 11666 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11667% 11668Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the 11669pens will multiply instead of disappear. 11670% 11671Someone will try to honk your nose today. 11672% 11673"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm 11674the only ashtray." 11675% 11676Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. 11677 -- Lily Tomlin 11678% 11679"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the 11680Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then 11681intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men 11682and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our 11683best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are 11684we not God's Machineries of Joy?" 11685 11686"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." 11687 -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" 11688% 11689Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. 11690% 11691Song Title of the Week: 11692 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change 11693in me." 11694% 11695Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already 11696paid may disregard this fortune). 11697% 11698Sorry, no fortune this time. 11699% 11700Sorry. I forget what I was going to say. 11701% 11702Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- 11703bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the 11704road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. 11705 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 11706% 11707"Spare no expense to save money on this one." 11708 -- Samuel Goldwyn 11709% 11710Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: 11711 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as 11712if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question 11713back at him. 11714% 11715Speak roughly to your little boy, 11716 And beat him when he sneezes: 11717He only does it to annoy 11718 Because he knows it teases. 11719 11720 Wow! wow! wow! 11721 11722I speak severely to my boy, 11723 And beat him when he sneezes: 11724For he can thoroughly enjoy 11725 The pepper when he pleases! 11726 11727 Wow! wow! wow! 11728 -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" 11729% 11730Speak roughly to your little VAX, 11731 And boot it when it crashes; 11732It knows that one cannot relax 11733 Because the paging thrashes! 11734 11735 Wow! Wow! Wow! 11736 11737I speak severely to my VAX, 11738 And boot it when it crashes; 11739In spite of all my favorite hacks 11740 My jobs it always thrashes! 11741 11742 Wow! Wow! Wow! 11743% 11744Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. 11745% 11746Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. 11747 -- Dave Millman 11748% 11749Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am 11750sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, 11751cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free 11752the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a 11753bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a 11754controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before 11755passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same 11756memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, 11757no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously 11758designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? 11759% 11760Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: 11761 11762 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair 11763 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! 11764 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down 11765 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! 11766 Helpless users with projects due 11767 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! 11768 11769 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! 11770 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" 11771 11772* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation 11773* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. 11774 -- Curtis Jackson 11775% 11776Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently 11777these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people 11778to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't 11779communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so 11780on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real 11781life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't 11782communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least 11783he can do is to Shut Up! 11784 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" 11785% 11786"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy." 11787% 11788Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: 11789 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the 11790number of times you have looked at it. 11791% 11792Spelling is a lossed art. 11793% 11794Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. 11795% 11796Spirtle, n.: 11797 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in 11798your eye. 11799 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 11800% 11801Spouse, n.: 11802 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you 11803wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. 11804% 11805"Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist 11806drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'ee of bat guano; and the 11807greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll 11808take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!" 11809 -- Harlan Ellison 11810% 11811Stay away from flying saucers today. 11812% 11813Stay away from hurricanes for a while. 11814% 11815"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly." 11816% 11817Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: 11818 Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have 11819another drink. 11820% 11821Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: 11822 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to 11823handle. 11824% 11825Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 11826% 11827Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only 11828take a bath ... 11829% 11830Stult's Report: 11831 Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is 11832fight the solutions. 11833% 11834Stupid, n.: 11835 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. 11836% 11837Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? 11838% 11839Sturgeon's Law: 11840 90% of everything is crud. 11841% 11842Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your 11843editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. 11844 -- Mark Twain 11845% 11846Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way 11847before it is understood. 11848% 11849Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. 11850% 11851Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar 11852without his duck ... 11853% 11854(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) 11855 11856 To code the impossible code, 11857 To bring up a virgin machine, 11858 To pop out of endless recursion, 11859 To grok what appears on the screen, 11860 11861 To right the unrightable bug, 11862 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, 11863 To mount the unmountable magtape, 11864 To stop the unstoppable crash! 11865% 11866Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! 11867% 11868Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy. 11869% 11870Support your local police force -- steal!! 11871% 11872Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. 11873% 11874Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead! 11875% 11876Surprise due today. Also the rent. 11877% 11878Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. 11879% 11880Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type 11881in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving 11882the room is punishable under law: 11883 11884Name # 11885% 11886Swahili, n.: 11887 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their 11888retractions. 11889 -- Johnny Hart 11890% 11891Sweater, n.: 11892 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. 11893% 11894Swipple's Rule of Order: 11895 He who shouts the loudest has the floor. 11896% 11897Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. 11898 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11899% 11900System/3! System/3! 11901See how it runs! See how it runs! 11902 Its monitor loses so totally! 11903 It runs all its programs in RPG! 11904 It's made by our favorite monopoly! 11905System/3! 11906% 11907Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad 11908infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. 11909 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11910% 11911 _ 11912 _ / \ o 11913 / \ | | o o o 11914 | | | | _ o o o o 11915 | \_| | / \ o o o 11916 \__ | | | o o 11917 | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____ 11918 | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__ 11919 | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\ 11920 | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " ) 11921 | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >----------- 11922 | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\ 11923 | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\ 11924 // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\ 11925 // ( ) / / \` \__ \\ 11926 //-------------------------------------------------------------\\ 11927 11928Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels 11929start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and 11930then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the 11931music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. 11932 -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 11933% 11934T: One big monster, he called TROLL. 11935 He don't rock, and he don't roll; 11936 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. 11937 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. 11938 -- The Roguelet's ABC 11939% 11940Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a 11941hole in his head. 11942% 11943Tact, n.: 11944 The unsaid part of what you're thinking. 11945% 11946Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. 11947% 11948Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting 11949enough cheese 11950 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 11951% 11952Take it easy, we're in a hurry. 11953% 11954Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it 11955needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. 11956 -- Kipling 11957% 11958Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit 11959back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good 11960beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up 11961drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a 11962nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves 11963and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So 11964Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw 11965no need to improve ... 11966 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 11967% 11968Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to 11969your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, 11970and they'll call you crazy. 11971 -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" 11972% 11973Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. 11974 -- Euripides 11975% 11976Talkers are no good doers. 11977 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 11978% 11979Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. 11980 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 11981% 11982TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) 11983 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged 11984 determination and work like hell. Most people think you are 11985 stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. 11986% 11987Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind 11988the tree." 11989 -- Russell Long 11990% 11991Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself 11992out of the market. 11993% 11994Taxes, n.: 11995 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get 11996an extension. 11997% 11998Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he 11999grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. 12000% 12001Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. 12002% 12003Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means 12004for going backwards. 12005 -- Aldous Huxley 12006% 12007Telephone, n.: 12008 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the 12009advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 12010 -- Ambrose Bierce 12011% 12012Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, 12013Is those things arms, or is they legs? 12014I marvel at thee, Octopus; 12015If I were thou, I'd call me us. 12016 -- Ogden Nash 12017% 12018Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop 12019writing. 12020 -- R. Geis 12021% 12022"Terence, this is stupid stuff: 12023You eat your victuals fast enough; 12024There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, 12025To see the rate you drink your beer. 12026But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, 12027It gives a chap the belly-ache. 12028The cow, the old cow, she is dead; 12029It sleeps well the horned head: 12030We poor lads, 'tis our turn now 12031To hear such tunes as killed the cow. 12032Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme 12033Your friends to death before their time. 12034Moping, melancholy mad: 12035Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad." 12036 -- A. E. Housman 12037% 12038"Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a 12039surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one 12040hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other 12041hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother." 12042 -- Len Cool, "American Pie" 12043% 12044Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a 12045pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city 12046until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is 12047ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe 12048because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical 12049fact, for he merely said: 12050 12051 "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because 12052 it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain 12053 because it is impossible." 12054 12055Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of 12056philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. 12057 -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types 12058 12059(Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church). 12060% 12061Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. 12062% 12063Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. 12064% 12065"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even 12066one which cannot be justified on any other grounds." 12067 -- J. Finnegan, USC. 12068% 12069Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. 12070 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly 12071% 12072"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver" 12073 -- Foghorn Leghorn 12074% 12075"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all." 12076% 12077That secret you've been guarding, isn't. 12078% 12079That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. 12080 -- Dorothy Parker 12081% 12082The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. 12083% 12084The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by 12085people who want some. 12086 -- Dwight MacDonald 12087% 12088The Abrams' Principle: 12089 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. 12090% 12091The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper 12092 -- Thomas Jefferson 12093% 12094The Advertising Agency Song: 12095 12096 When your client's hopping mad, 12097 Put his picture in the ad. 12098 If he still should prove refractory, 12099 Add a picture of his factory. 12100% 12101"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug 12102someone with it." 12103 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 12104% 12105... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that 12106consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune 12107of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to 12108listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. 12109 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12110% 12111The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas 12112River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little 12113Rock. 12114% 12115The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. 12116Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed 12117and color, but also on ability. 12118 -- T. Lehrer 12119% 12120The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. 12121 -- Bill Murray 12122% 12123The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use 12124in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the 12125Declaration not for that, but for future use. 12126 -- Abraham Lincoln 12127% 12128The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m. 12129% 12130The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the 12131average man can see better than he can think. 12132% 12133"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by 12134people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried 12135anything." 12136 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore 12137% 12138The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than 12139cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and 12140difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, 12141which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- 12142here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO 12143RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you 12144want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking 12145lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a 12146squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out 12147and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, 12148his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was 12149neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking 12150lots. 12151 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 12152% 12153The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit 12154called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in 12155writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would 12156be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices 12157immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a 12158bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special 12159Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of 12160paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty 12161would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. 12162The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to 12163emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood 12164Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." 12165 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 12166% 12167The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; 12168but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. 12169% 12170The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. 12171 -- W. C. Fields 12172% 12173The best defense against logic is ignorance. 12174% 12175The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. 12176% 12177"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and 12178blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. 12179You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at 12180night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only 12181love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or 12182know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only 12183one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what 12184wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, 12185never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never 12186dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a 12187lot of things there are to learn." 12188 -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" 12189% 12190The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them 12191is a match. 12192 -- Will Rogers 12193% 12194The bigger the theory the better. 12195% 12196The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse 12197time. 12198 -- Merrick Furst 12199% 12200The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss 12201Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. 12202 12203It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been 12204known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, 12205in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two 12206under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of 12207people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a 12208city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking 12209umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of 12210activity that frightens the horses on the street ... 12211% 12212"The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch." 12213% 12214The bogosity meter just pegged. 12215% 12216The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up 12217in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. 12218% 12219The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: 12220 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a 12221program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and 12222convert to the next higher units. 12223% 12224The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. 12225Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in 12226automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. 12227 -- Art Buchwald 12228% 12229The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding 12230bureaucracy. 12231% 12232"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the 12233flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language." 12234% 12235The camel has a single hump; 12236The dromedary two; 12237Or else the other way around. 12238I'm never sure. Are you? 12239 -- Ogden Nash 12240% 12241The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly 12242greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed 12243inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner 12244party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. 12245 -- H. L. Mencken 12246% 12247"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain." 12248 -- G. Fitch 12249% 12250The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up 12251at the steam fitters' picnic. 12252% 12253The chief cause of problems is solutions. 12254% 12255The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions. 12256 -- Alfred Adler 12257% 12258The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will 12259walk carefully. 12260 -- Russian Proverb 12261% 12262"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live 12263elsewhere." 12264% 12265"The Computer made me do it." 12266% 12267The computing field is always in need of new cliches. 12268 -- Alan Perlis 12269% 12270The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his 12271memos. 12272 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 12273% 12274The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other 12275subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up 12276every bird watcher in the country. 12277 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972 12278% 12279The Consultant's Curse: 12280 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him 12281what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong 12282medicine, and is normally only required once. 12283% 12284The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is 12285none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." 12286Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. 12287Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you 12288talked about. 12289 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 12290% 12291The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 12292% 12293The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going 12294down. 12295% 12296The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to 12297eat. 12298 -- John McNulty 12299% 12300The Crown is full of it! 12301 -- Nate Harris, 1775 12302% 12303The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should 12304therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could 12305hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to 12306declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war, 12307then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. 12308Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. 12309 -- William Ellery Channing 12310% 12311The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. 12312% 12313The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of 12314us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching 12315Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. 12316% 12317The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? 12318% 12319The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. 12320% 12321"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell 12322into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him 12323out again, it would be a calamity." 12324 -- Benjamin Disraeli 12325% 12326The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science 12327requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require 12328scholarship. 12329 -- Robert Heinlein 12330% 12331The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the 12332following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: 12333 12334 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. 12335Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is 12336Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. 12337 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. 12338Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. 12339Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. 12340Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is 12341goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that 12342Jews won't go near them ..." 12343 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 12344% 12345The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on 12346a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. 12347% 12348The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man 12349really clever who has not found that he is stupid. 12350 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson 12351% 12352The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show 12353off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his 12354next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the 12355duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the 12356duck and returned it to his master. 12357 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. 12358 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't 12359swim." 12360% 12361The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late 12362and owns the worm farm. 12363 -- Travis McGee 12364% 12365The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. 12366% 12367The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and 12368add ten percent. 12369% 12370The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on 12371weather forecasters. 12372 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann 12373% 12374"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not 12375Compute' -- I forget which." 12376 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 12377% 12378The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of 12379civilization. 12380 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 12381% 12382The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with 12383symposium to follow. 12384% 12385The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach 12386their children to speak it. 12387 -- G. B. Shaw 12388% 12389The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a 12390remarkable Christian forbearance among men. 12391 -- Ambrose Bierce 12392% 12393The fact that it works is immaterial. 12394 -- L. Ogborn 12395% 12396The faster we go, the rounder we get. 12397 -- The Grateful Dead 12398% 12399The Fifth Rule: 12400 You have taken yourself too seriously. 12401% 12402The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. 12403 -- Abbie Hoffman 12404% 12405The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King 12406Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a 12407tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad 12408forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously 12409fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of 12410threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked 12411suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of 12412foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead 12413one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with 12414dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found 12415drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown 12416and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have 12417thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture 12418of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left 12419in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed 12420crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave 12421Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when 12422a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful 12423throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. 12424 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 12425% 12426The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of 12427management is that success equals skill. 12428 -- Robert Heller 12429% 12430The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish 12431child, was propounded to me by my father: 12432 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and 12433whistles?" 12434 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity 12435gave up. 12436 "A herring," said my father. 12437 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" 12438 "So hang it there." 12439 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. 12440 "Paint it." 12441 "But a herring isn't wet." 12442 "If it's just painted it's still wet." 12443 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring 12444doesn't whistle!!" 12445 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it 12446hard." 12447 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" 12448% 12449"The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your 12450hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do." 12451 -- McCloctnik the Lucid 12452% 12453The First Rule of Program Optimization: 12454 Don't do it. 12455 12456The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): 12457 Don't do it yet. 12458 -- Michael Jackson 12459% 12460The first time, it's a KLUDGE! 12461The second, a trick. 12462Later, it's a well-established technique! 12463 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics 12464% 12465The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions 12466Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: 12467 12468As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of 12469logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more 12470appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the 12471four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. 12472 . . . 12473Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible 12474blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves 12475parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge 12476of the hyper-cube. 12477% 12478The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by 12479a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. 12480% 12481"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and 12482vinyl." 12483 -- Dave Barry 12484% 12485The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the 12486number of your kids by 32 teeth. 12487% 12488The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to 12489chance. 12490% 12491The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. 12492% 12493The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the 12494center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South 12495Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South 12496End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. 12497% 12498The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled 12499today. 12500% 12501The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at 12502least until we've finished building it. 12503% 12504The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature 12505is to build better mice. 12506% 12507The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him 12508love and he invented marriage. 12509% 12510THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES 12511 The one who has the gold makes the rules. 12512% 12513"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who 12514make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians 12515have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine 12516man in the bonds of Hell." 12517 -- St. Augustine 12518% 12519The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got 12520to be good. 12521% 12522 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop") 12523 12524On the good ship Enterprise 12525Every week there's a new surprise 12526Where the Romulans lurk 12527And the Klingons often go berserk. 12528 12529Yes, the good ship Enterprise 12530There's excitement anywhere it flies 12531Where Tribbles play 12532And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. 12533 12534 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, 12535 Mr. Spock is at his side. 12536 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh 12537 It gets fried, scattered far and wide. 12538 12539It's the good ship Enterprise 12540Heading out where danger lies 12541And you live in dread 12542If you're wearing a shirt that's red. 12543 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics 12544% 12545The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of 12546statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are 12547extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive 12548displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every 12549case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts 12550down anything he damn well pleases. 12551 -- Sir Josiah Stamp 12552% 12553The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all 12554who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. 12555 -- Benjamin Franklin. 12556% 12557The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: 12558 The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in 12559courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk 12560clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods 12561of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp 12562Hedgehog Eater. 12563 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12564% 12565The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men 12566of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. 12567 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis 12568% 12569The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. 12570 -- Albert Einstein 12571% 12572The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom 12573whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, 12574nohow. 12575% 12576The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: 12577 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. 12578% 12579The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent 12580thinkers. 12581% 12582The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, 12583which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at 12584least 5000 years old." 12585% 12586The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for 12587lists of "Ten Best". 12588 -- H. Allen Smith 12589% 12590"The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and 12591has gills through which it can see." 12592 -- Monty Python 12593% 12594The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity 12595-- the rest is overhead for the operating system. 12596% 12597The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange 12598protein -- it rejects it. 12599 -- P. Medawar 12600% 12601The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can 12602remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider 12603struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in 12604spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and 12605wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head 12606off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe. 12607 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 12608% 12609The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. 12610 -- Mark Twain 12611% 12612The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that 12613procession but carrying a banner. 12614 -- Mark Twain 12615% 12616The idea is to die young as late as possible. 12617 -- Ashley Montagu 12618% 12619The idea is to die young as late as possible. 12620 -- Ashley Montague 12621% 12622The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic 12623devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, 12624where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with 12625sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, 12626consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than 12627have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones 12628repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist 12629of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic 12630devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" 12631 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 12632% 12633"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different." 12634 -- Franco Spisani 12635% 12636"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit 12637longer." 12638 -- Henry Kissinger 12639% 12640The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf 12641has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know 12642when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. 12643 -- Will Rogers 12644% 12645The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important 12646point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly 12647important thing to people. 12648 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King 12649% 12650The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the 12651number of participants. 12652 -- Adam Walinsky 12653% 12654The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided 12655by the number of people in the group. 12656% 12657The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free 12658information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a 12659dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a 12660real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. 12661 12662So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never 12663pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big 12664consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... 12665 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 12666% 12667The Kennedy Constant: 12668 Don't get mad -- get even. 12669% 12670The Killer Ducks are coming!!! 12671% 12672The ladies men admire, I've heard, 12673Would shudder at a wicked word. 12674Their candle gives a single light; 12675They'd rather stay at home at night. 12676They do not keep awake till three, 12677Nor read erotic poetry. 12678They never sanction the impure, 12679Nor recognize an overture. 12680They shrink from powders and from paints ... 12681So far, I've had no complaints. 12682 -- Dorothy Parker 12683% 12684"The last time somebody said, `I find I can write much better with a 12685word processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about 12686drugs.' 12687 -- Roy Blount, Jr. 12688% 12689The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the 12690law free. 12691 -- Henry David Thoreau 12692% 12693The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the 12694poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal 12695bread. 12696 -- Anatole France 12697% 12698"The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all 12699men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the 12700universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we 12701presently imagine we own." 12702 -- H.G. Wells 12703% 12704 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE 12705 12706SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language 12707Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for 12708Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code 12709with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, 12710END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make 12711a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus 12712they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without 12713the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. 12714% 12715 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP 12716 12717This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of 12718an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said 12719to be useful in protheththing lithtth. 12720% 12721 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL 12722 12723SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. 12724Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they 12725compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the 12726coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom 12727sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to 12728compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but 12729infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. 12730% 12731 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE 12732 12733Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely 12734unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just 12735are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. 12736SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at 12737parties. 12738% 12739 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- 12740 12741This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he 12742submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is 12743best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the 12744language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code 12745statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very 12746similar to COBOL. 12747% 12748 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH 12749 12750FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types 12751refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and 12752JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and 12753BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, 12754CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. 12755 12756The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and 12757financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include 12758VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH 12759and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers 12760who end up using this language. 12761% 12762 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE 12763 12764Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene 12765DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The 12766language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics 12767and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A 12768spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of 12769ours." 12770 12771The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have 12772almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the 12773organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to 12774exist. 12775% 12776 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL 12777From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, 12778VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. 12779 12780Here is a sample program: 12781 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START 12782 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND 12783 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN 12784 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 12785 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2) 12786 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) 12787 SURE 12788 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM 12789 REALLY 12790 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) 12791 IM*SURE 12792 GOTO THE MALL 12793 12794When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: 12795 12796 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! 12797% 12798 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK 12799 12800This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, 12801Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to 12802the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. 12803 12804The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs 12805while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there 12806because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and 12807Perrier. 12808 12809Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle 12810and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower 12811case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the 12812message: 12813 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can 12814 you find the time to try it again?" 12815% 12816The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching 12817train. 12818% 12819The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. 12820% 12821The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get 12822much sleep. 12823 -- Woody Allen 12824% 12825The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. 12826 -- Henry Kissinger 12827% 12828"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as 12829we could with both of them." 12830 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 12831% 12832The makers may make 12833and the users may use, 12834but the fixers must fix 12835with but minimal clues 12836% 12837The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the 12838crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no 12839one has ever been. 12840 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 12841% 12842The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that 12843will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. 12844 -- Mark Twain. 12845% 12846The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a 12847soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which 12848when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. 12849% 12850"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..." 12851 -- Dave Barry 12852% 12853The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. 12854% 12855 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the 12856klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." 12857 12858 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" 12859 12860 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" 12861% 12862The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to 12863devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. 12864 -- Lew Mammel, Jr. 12865% 12866The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might 12867be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the 12868law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was 12869guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples 12870Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking 12871Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality 12872of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive 12873power. 12874 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems 12875 Thinking." 12876% 12877The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. 12878 -- Laurence J. Peter 12879% 12880The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. 12881 -- Nicol Williamson 12882% 12883The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. 12884% 12885The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. 12886% 12887"The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the 12888lower the mailing cost." 12889 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 12890% 12891The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and 12892robbers there will be. 12893 -- Lao Tsu 12894% 12895The more things change, the more they stay insane. 12896% 12897The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us 12898is right. 12899% 12900The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. 12901 -- Andy Warhol 12902% 12903"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and 12904to watch someone else do it wrong without comment." 12905 -- Theodore H. White 12906% 12907The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 12908discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." 12909 -- Isaac Asimov 12910% 12911The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. 12912% 12913... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! 12914% 12915 "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" 12916 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to 12917feel interested. 12918 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little 12919vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged 12920Aged Man.'" 12921 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" 12922Alice corrected herself. 12923 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is 12924called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" 12925 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time 12926completely bewildered. 12927 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is 12928"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." 12929 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 12930% 12931"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 129321986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert." 12933 -- D. Letterman 12934% 12935The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: 12936 Support your right to bare arms! 12937% 12938The net of law is spread so wide, 12939No sinner from its sweep may hide. 12940Its meshes are so fine and strong, 12941They take in every child of wrong. 12942O wondrous web of mystery! 12943Big fish alone escape from thee! 12944 -- James Jeffrey Roche 12945% 12946The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I 12947hope I don't get run over again. 12948% 12949The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, 12950in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. 12951 12952 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for 12953 whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. 12954 -- Matthew 5:37 12955% 12956"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The 12957Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. 12958The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive 12959and running the country ..." 12960 -- Robert J Woodhead 12961% 12962The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to 12963choose from. 12964 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 12965% 12966The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 1296780-column card. 12968 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 12969% 12970The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should 12971serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society 12972these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their 12973function is to serve as checks upon the state. 12974 -- Alan Barth 12975% 12976The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are 12977correct. 12978 -- Ralph Hartley 12979% 12980The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly 12981analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their 12982occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve 12983these problems when called upon. 12984 12985However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to 12986remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. 12987% 12988The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: 12989 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, 12990Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate 12991Planning." 12992% 12993The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. 12994% 12995The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age 12996brings wisdom. 12997 -- H. L. Mencken 12998% 12999The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader 13000catch his own breath. 13001 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart 13002% 13003The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when 13004to cringe. 13005% 13006The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the 13007`social sciences' is: some do, some don't. 13008 -- Ernest Rutherford 13009% 13010The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop 13011and take a rest. 13012% 13013"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon." 13014 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 13015 Over and Over" 13016% 13017The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. 13018% 13019The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber 13020has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, 13021finished, and put inside boxes. 13022 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 13023% 13024The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any 13025use to oneself. 13026 -- Oscar Wilde 13027% 13028"The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from 13029history." 13030 -- Hegel 13031 13032"I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the 13033long view." 13034 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" 13035% 13036The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. 13037 -- Oscar Wilde 13038% 13039The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up 13040until 5 or 6 p.m. 13041% 13042The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 13043 -- Bohr 13044% 13045The optimum committee has no members. 13046 -- Norman Augustine 13047% 13048The optimum committee has no members. 13049 -- Norman Augustine 13050% 13051"The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost 13052went back in time." 13053 -- Steven Wright 13054% 13055The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because 13056it isn't here. 13057 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) 13058% 13059The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it 13060were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. 13061 -- H. L. Mencken 13062% 13063 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the 13064Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a 13065large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' 13066it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the 13067apparatus for a spectator sport. 13068 13069 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for 13070castrating pigs during Sunday service. 13071 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13072% 13073The Pig, if I am not mistaken, 13074Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. 13075Let others think his heart is big, 13076I think it stupid of the Pig. 13077 -- Ogden Nash 13078% 13079The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter 13080swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the 13081batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The 13082center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute 13083his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. 13084 -- Dizzy Dean 13085% 13086The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. 13087 -- David Lardner 13088% 13089The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish 13090to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it 13091is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of 13092courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own 13093preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper 13094social function of expressing true distaste. 13095 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to 13096 Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" 13097% 13098"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more 13099often." 13100% 13101The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, 13102 Were each of them once a kiddie. 13103A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. 13104 Do I want one? God Forbiddie! 13105 -- Ogden Nash 13106% 13107The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his 13108brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is 13109Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. 13110 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter 13111% 13112The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday 13113they might force their beliefs on us. 13114 -- Mario Cuomo 13115% 13116The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired 13117warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by 13118changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped 13119marker. 13120 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 13121% 13122The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to 13123constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every 13124appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA 13125statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This 13126also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. 13127 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers 13128% 13129The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough 13130voters to win the next election. 13131% 13132The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" 13133represents the secondary theme: 13134 13135 Law Enforcement Officials 13136 13137The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: 13138 13139 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials 13140% 13141... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from 13142other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in 13143charity we can only call "inhuman." 13144 -- R. A. Lafferty 13145% 13146The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the 13147stupidity of your action. 13148% 13149The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. 13150Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil 13151using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle 13152Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, 13153etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous 13154bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None 13155of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats 13156developed cancer. 13157 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 13158% 13159The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go 13160to erase it. 13161 -- Glaser and Way 13162% 13163The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get 13164results. 13165 13166The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy 13167problems in order to get results. 13168 13169The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy 13170problems in order to get results. 13171% 13172The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be 13173pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. 13174 -- Elizabeth Taylor 13175% 13176The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 13177% 13178The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's 13179outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by 13180mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once 13181tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims 13182the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. 13183 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13184% 13185"The pyramid is opening!" 13186"Which one?" 13187"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" 13188 -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At 13189 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" 13190% 13191The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: 13192 "My brain is paged out to my liver" 13193% 13194The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is 13195it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, 13196that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of 13197industrial waste? 13198 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 13199% 13200The rain it raineth on the just 13201 And also on the unjust fella, 13202But chiefly on the just, because 13203 The unjust steals the just's umbrella. 13204% 13205The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is 13206cursed. 13207% 13208The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. 13209% 13210The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", 13211which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape 13212Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil 13213Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like. 13214 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 13215% 13216The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one 13217persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all 13218progress depends on the unreasonable man. 13219 -- George Bernard Shaw 13220% 13221The revolution will not be televised. 13222% 13223The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. 13224 -- Emerson 13225% 13226The rhino is a homely beast, 13227For human eyes he's not a feast. 13228Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, 13229I'll stare at something less prepoceros. 13230 -- Ogden Nash 13231% 13232The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This 13233means that only left handed people are in their right mind. 13234% 13235"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests 13236and to his imagination for his facts." 13237 -- Sheridan 13238% 13239The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. 13240 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas 13241% 13242"The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the 13243House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights 13244you have and what rights you have not got." 13245 -- J. Parnell Thomas 13246% 13247The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with 13248sloppy analysis! 13249% 13250The Roman Rule 13251 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the 13252 one who is doing it. 13253% 13254The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in 13255his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on 13256one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't 13257take it too seriously. 13258 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13259% 13260The rule on staying alive as a forcaster is to give 'em a number or 13261give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. 13262 -- Jane Bryant Quinn 13263% 13264"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" 13265% 13266The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 13267showed that all had these things in common: 13268 13269 (1) They all had moderate appetites. 13270 (2) They all came from middle class homes 13271 (3) All but two of them were dead. 13272% 13273The scum also rises. 13274 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 13275% 13276The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, 13277respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones 13278from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the 13279milestones are lifted. 13280 -- George Bernard Shaw 13281% 13282 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood 13283as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. 13284The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in 13285the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in 13286twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. 13287 13288 "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached 13289everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a 13290fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- 13291and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." 13292 13293 "How?" demanded Fafhrd. 13294 13295 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." 13296 -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" 13297% 13298The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. 13299% 13300The shortest distance between two points is under construction. 13301 -- Noelie Alito 13302% 13303The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: 13304 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going 13305in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long 13306way.) 13307 -- Dan Roddick 13308% 13309"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity 13310and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted 13311activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... 13312neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water." 13313% 13314"The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their 13315money." 13316 -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon" 13317% 13318"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!" 13319% 13320The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be 13321able to correct them. 13322 -- Nicolaides 13323% 13324The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. 13325% 13326The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's 13327readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of 13328some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet 13329reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led 13330the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well 13331known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at 13332Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program 13333of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of 13334psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three 13335Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That 13336these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a 13337further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want 13338something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from 13339the Russians. 13340 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 13341% 13342 The STAR WARS Song 13343 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: 13344 13345I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah 13346Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda 13347 S-O-D-A soda 13348I saw the little runt sitting there on a log 13349I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda 13350 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13351 13352Well I've been around but I ain't never seen 13353A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green 13354 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13355Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand 13356How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand 13357 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13358% 13359The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. 13360% 13361The steady state of disks is full. 13362 -- Ken Thompson 13363% 13364 THE STORY OF CREATION 13365 or 13366 THE MYTH OF URK 13367 13368In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, 13369and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM 13370was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be 13371registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; 13372and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data 13373Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening 13374and there was morning, one interrupt ... 13375 -- Rico Tudor 13376% 13377The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make 13378them unsafe. 13379 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo 13380% 13381"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and 13382is an emerging underachiever." 13383% 13384The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant 13385biology. 13386% 13387"The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't 13388even any property taxes." 13389 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b 13390% 13391The sum of the Universe is zero. 13392% 13393The sun was shining on the sea, 13394Shining with all his might: 13395He did his very best to make 13396The billows smooth and bright -- 13397And this was very odd, because it was 13398The middle of the night. 13399 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 13400% 13401The superfluous is very necessary. 13402 -- Voltaire 13403% 13404The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. 13405 -- Mark Twain 13406% 13407The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our 13408authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as 13409the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as 13410the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much 13411radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much 13412as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we 13413receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the 13414Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will 13415heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to 13416the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much 13417heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for 13418radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the 13419earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell 13420cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the 13421fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which 13422burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means 13423that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We 13424have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. 13425 -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 13426% 13427The Third Law of Photography: 13428 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined 13429when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark 13430leaks out. 13431% 13432The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: 13433 13434The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. 13435The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break 13436 even. 13437The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. 13438% 13439 The Three Major Kind of Tools 13440 13441* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or 13442 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a 13443 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, 13444 bludgeons, and truncheons.) 13445 13446* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) 13447 13448* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far 13449 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. 13450 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses 13451 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) 13452 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 13453% 13454The trouble with a kitten is that 13455When it grows up, it's always a cat 13456 -- Ogden Nash. 13457% 13458The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. 13459% 13460The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate 13461it. 13462 -- Franklin P. Jones 13463% 13464The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing 13465more important to do. 13466% 13467The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody 13468appreciates how difficult it was. 13469% 13470The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths. 13471 -- Ken Kesey 13472% 13473The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. 13474 -- Lenny Bruce 13475% 13476The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And 13477vice versa. 13478% 13479The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks 13480Which practically conceal its sex. 13481I think it clever of the turtle 13482In such a fix to be so fertile. 13483 -- Ogden Nash 13484% 13485"The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and 13486stupidity." 13487% 13488The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more 13489annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. 13490 -- Oscar Wilde 13491% 13492The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are 13493"100 percent American"... 13494 -- U. S. Army (1945) 13495% 13496The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 13497everybody and still nobody likes him. 13498 -- Jim Samuels 13499% 13500The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be 13501broken. 13502% 13503The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the 13504combination is locked up in the safe. 13505 -- Peter DeVries 13506% 13507The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie 13508Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said 13509to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his 13510decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." 13511% 13512The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and 13513religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging 13514from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its 13515yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the 13516world put together. 13517 -- Sir Peter Medawar 13518% 13519The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be 13520regarded as a criminal offense. 13521 -- E. W. Dijkstra 13522% 13523The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes 13524the worst cigars. 13525 -- H. L. Mencken 13526% 13527The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid 13528prejudice. 13529 -- Mark Twain 13530% 13531The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. 13532Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts 13533to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to 13534be one of the facts that needs altering. 13535 -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" 13536% 13537"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..." 13538% 13539"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, 13540it's just a tired feeling:" 13541% 13542The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth. 13543% 13544"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity 13545that would be clearly understood." 13546 -- Alexander Haig 13547% 13548"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start 13549with a large fortune." 13550% 13551The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, 13552 Like Jaspar wine and sugar, 13553It must have blown through someone's feet, 13554 Like those of Caspar Weinberger. 13555 -- P. Opus 13556% 13557 THE WOMBAT 13558 13559The wombat lives across the seas, 13560Among the far Antipodes. 13561He may exist on nuts and berries, 13562Or then again, on missionaries; 13563His distant habitat precludes 13564Conclusive knowledge of his moods. 13565But I would not engage the wombat 13566In any form of mortal combat. 13567% 13568The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! 13569% 13570The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! 13571% 13572The world is coming to an end. Please log off. 13573% 13574The world's as ugly as sin, 13575And almost as delightful 13576 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson 13577% 13578The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of 13579four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all 13580the answers. 13581% 13582Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. 13583 13584He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, 13585then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open 13586market. 13587 13588If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should 13589not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. 13590 13591Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. 13592Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. 13593Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. 13594 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 13595% 13596Then here's to the City of Boston, 13597The town of the cries and the groans. 13598Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks, 13599And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns. 13600 -- Franklin Pierce Adams 13601% 13602 THEORY 13603Into love and out again, 13604 Thus I went and thus I go. 13605Spare your voice, and hold your pen: 13606 Well and bitterly I know 13607All the songs were ever sung, 13608 All the words were ever said; 13609Could it be, when I was young, 13610 Someone dropped me on my head? 13611 -- Dorothy Parker 13612% 13613There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday. 13614% 13615There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, 13616and praiseworthy ... 13617 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13618% 13619There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own 13620cats. 13621% 13622There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis 13623are chosen correctly. 13624% 13625There are no games on this system. 13626% 13627There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the 13628existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any 13629marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat 13630engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is 13631obviously impossible. 13632 -- Richard Davisson 13633% 13634There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the 13635truth without lying. 13636% 13637There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a 13638vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. 13639 -- Gloria Steinem 13640% 13641 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that 13642someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named 13643Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or 13644Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that 13645every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is 13646this? 13647 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for 13648centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you 13649can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's 13650forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster 13651-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't 13652even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover 13653why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. 13654 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 13655% 13656"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both 13657plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; 13658and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, 13659don't we all?" 13660% 13661"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells 13662and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated 13663pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving 13664them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you 13665stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your 13666intelligence." 13667 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 13668% 13669There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. 13670 -- Disraeli 13671% 13672"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away 13673from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone 13674loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor." 13675% 13676There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be 13677offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin 13678a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount 13679of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of 13680affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. 13681When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. 13682Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. 13683 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior 13684% 13685"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and 13686engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far 13687the more certain." 13688 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 13689% 13690There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring 13691the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many 13692facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next 13693fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent 13694Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's 13695Factor; that's engineering. 13696% 13697There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I 13698can't remember. 13699 -- Italo Svevo 13700% 13701There are three ways to get something done: 13702 (1) Do it yourself. 13703 (2) Hire someone to do it for you. 13704 (3) Forbid your kids to do it. 13705% 13706There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire 13707someone, or forbid your kids to do it. 13708% 13709There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is 13710one of them. 13711% 13712There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect 13713the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the 13714sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. 13715 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 13716% 13717There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good 13718sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. 13719 -- Woody Allen 13720% 13721"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to 13722make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the 13723other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious 13724deficiencies." 13725 -- C. A. R. Hoare 13726% 13727"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the 13728other is to read Pope." 13729 -- Oscar Wilde 13730% 13731There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one 13732works. 13733% 13734There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a 13735suitable application of high explosives. 13736% 13737There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. 13738 -- R. W. Gerard 13739% 13740There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. 13741 -- Henry Kissinger 13742% 13743There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer 13744than 100. 13745 -- Steele's Law 13746% 13747There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know 13748nothing about. 13749% 13750There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an 13751opinion. 13752 -- Anatole France 13753% 13754There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of 13755paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. 13756% 13757There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. 13758% 13759There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs 13760tied during the month of April. 13761% 13762There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. 13763 -- Walt Disney 13764% 13765"There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, 13766Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and 13767love of the Fatherland." 13768 -- Adolf Hitler 13769% 13770There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe 13771is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly 13772inexplicable." 13773 13774There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...." 13775 -- Douglas Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy" 13776% 13777There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly 13778what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly 13779disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and 13780inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has 13781already happened. 13782 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 13783% 13784"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a 13785vacuum." 13786 -- Arthur C. Clarke 13787% 13788There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. 13789 -- Mark Twain 13790% 13791There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the 13792tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not 13793abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and 13794war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, 13795of course. 13796 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. 13797% 13798"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their 13799home." 13800 -- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society 13801 Convention, 1977 13802% 13803There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it 13804 -- G. B. Shaw 13805% 13806There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast 13807reflexes. 13808% 13809There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. 13810% 13811There is no time like the pleasant. 13812% 13813There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be 13814doing. 13815% 13816There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. 13817There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong. 13818% 13819"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," 13820said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just 13821a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable 13822question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been 13823there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in 13824the middle of the night?'" 13825% 13826There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the 13827ocean level wouldn't cure. 13828 -- Ross MacDonald 13829% 13830There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and 13831that is not being talked about. 13832 -- Oscar Wilde 13833% 13834There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale 13835returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 13836 -- Mark Twain 13837% 13838There once was a girl named Irene 13839Who lived on distilled kerosene 13840 But she started absorbin' 13841 A new hydrocarbon 13842And since then has never benzene. 13843% 13844There once was a member of Mensa 13845Who was a most excellent fencer. 13846 The sword that he used 13847 Was his -- (line is refused, 13848And has now been removed by the censor). 13849% 13850There once was an old man from Esser, 13851Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. 13852 It at last grew so small, 13853 He knew nothing at all, 13854And now he's a College Professor. 13855% 13856"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved 13857it." 13858 -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia 13859% 13860There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were 13861left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. 13862Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they 13863started debating who should be allowed to stay. 13864 13865The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all 13866over the world, the President explained that if he died then America 13867would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley 13868said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair 13869thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 13870votes. 13871% 13872There was a young lady from Hyde 13873Who ate a green apple and died. 13874 While her lover lamented 13875 The apple fermented 13876And made cider inside her inside. 13877% 13878There was a young man who said "God, 13879I find it exceedingly odd, 13880 That the willow oak tree 13881 Continues to be, 13882When there's no one about in the Quad." 13883 13884"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, 13885For I'm always about in the Quad; 13886 And that's why the tree, 13887 Continues to be," 13888Signed "Yours faithfully, God." 13889% 13890There was a young poet named Dan, 13891Whose poetry never would scan. 13892 When told this was so, 13893 He said, "Yes, I know. 13894% 13895There was a young poet named Dan, 13896Whose poetry never would scan. 13897 When told this was so, 13898 He said, "Yes, I know. 13899It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." 13900% 13901"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: 13902both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to 13903talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him 13904during the trial." 13905 -- David Letterman 13906% 13907There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of 13908the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- 13909digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 139108-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the 13911transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity 13912stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative 13913feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching 13914systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the 13915first electrical digital computer, and the first communications 13916satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the 13917telephone business? 13918% 13919There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not 13920a fence. 13921% 13922There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. 13923% 13924There's little in taking or giving, 13925 There's little in water or wine: 13926This living, this living, this living, 13927 Was never a project of mine. 13928Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is 13929 The gain of the one at the top, 13930For art is a form of catharsis, 13931 And love is a permanent flop, 13932And work is the province of cattle, 13933 And rest's for a clam in a shell, 13934So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- 13935 Would you kindly direct me to hell? 13936 -- Dorothy Parker 13937% 13938There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our 13939whole lives, win, lose, or draw. 13940 -- Walt Kelly 13941% 13942There's no future in time travel 13943% 13944There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. 13945 -- Dr. Who 13946% 13947There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get 13948any worse. 13949% 13950There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. 13951% 13952There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government 13953working for you. 13954 -- Will Rodgers 13955% 13956"There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead 13957armadillos." 13958 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner 13959% 13960"There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't 13961aggravate." 13962% 13963There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn 13964what it is I'll get married again. 13965 -- Clint Eastwood 13966% 13967There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is 13968becoming an endangered synthetic. 13969 -- Lily Tomlin 13970% 13971"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" 13972"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" 13973"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP 13974out of MEGATON MAN!" 13975% 13976These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they 13977used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. 13978% 13979They also surf who only stand on waves. 13980% 13981"They make a desert and call it peace." 13982 -- Tacitus (55?-120?) 13983% 13984They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners 13985always spell better than they pronounce. 13986 -- Mark Twain 13987% 13988"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary 13989safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." 13990 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 13991% 13992"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!" 13993% 13994They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results 13995 About a month before. Their hair began to curl 13996The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it 13997 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. 13998 13999He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this 14000 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be 14001And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest 14002 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. 14003 14004My notion was to start again 14005 Ignoring all they'd done 14006We quickly turned it into code 14007 To see if it would run. 14008% 14009They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! 14010% 14011"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult 14012to like." 14013 -- Avon 14014% 14015Things are more like they used to be than they are now. 14016% 14017Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. 14018% 14019Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. 14020% 14021Think honk if you're a telepath. 14022% 14023Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! 14024% 14025Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer 14026crashes. 14027% 14028Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". 14029% 14030"Thirty days hath Septober, 14031April, June, and no wonder. 14032all the rest have peanut butter 14033except my father who wears red suspenders." 14034% 14035This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 14036% 14037This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, 14038please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random 14039characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with 14040something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be 14041more profound than THIS program has ever been. 14042% 14043This fortune intentionally not included. 14044% 14045This fortune is false. 14046% 14047This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. 14048% 14049"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, 14050regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling 14051keys ..." 14052% 14053"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT 14054DOG." 14055 -- Bob Violence 14056% 14057"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an 14058actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?" 14059% 14060This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, 14061because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under 14062which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has 14063"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the 14064consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any 14065rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for 14066oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill 14067Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers 14068over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These 14069innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been 14070passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with 14071amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do 14072apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, 14073and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out. 14074 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations" 14075% 14076This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. 14077% 14078This is for all ill-treated fellows 14079 Unborn and unbegot, 14080For them to read when they're in trouble 14081 And I am not. 14082 -- A. E. Housman 14083% 14084"This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back 14085to one." 14086 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 14087% 14088This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. 14089% 14090THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM 14091 14092If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your 14093contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue 14094without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are 14095contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We 14096can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money 14097for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the 14098difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight 14099and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to 14100"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before 14101you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. 14102Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 1410330 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The 14104Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or 14105more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug .... 14106% 14107This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury! 14108% 14109This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the 14110power of computers: 14111 14112Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct 14113the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a 14114minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The 14115results are that one should eat each day: 14116 14117 1/2 chicken 14118 1 egg 14119 1 glass of skim milk 14120 27 heads of lettuce. 14121 -- Rev. Adrian Melott 14122% 14123This is the story of the bee 14124Whose sex is very hard to see 14125 14126You cannot tell the he from the she 14127But she can tell, and so can he 14128 14129The little bee is never still 14130She has no time to take the pill 14131 14132And that is why, in times like these 14133There are so many sons of bees. 14134% 14135This is your fortune. 14136% 14137This land is full of trousers! 14138this land is full of mausers! 14139 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! 14140 -- Firesign Theater 14141% 14142This land is made of mountains, 14143This land is made of mud, 14144This land has lots of everything, 14145For me and Elmer Fudd. 14146 14147This land has lots of trousers, 14148This land has lots of mousers, 14149And pussycats to eat them 14150When the sun goes down. 14151% 14152This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, 14153you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where 14154to go. 14155% 14156This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 14157% 14158This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with 14159great force. 14160 -- Dorothy Parker 14161% 14162This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of 14163the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many 14164solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were 14165largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 14166which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of 14167paper that were unhappy. 14168 -- Douglas Adams 14169% 14170"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does 14171something child-like." 14172 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 14173% 14174This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland 14175student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. 14176 14177 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use 14178 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one 14179 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system 14180 which identifies errors in the original program. 14181% 14182This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. 14183 -- Hofstadter 14184% 14185... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives 14186as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as 14187determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people 14188buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s 14189couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three 14190weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available, 14191they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent 14192restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of 14193excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going 14194off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have 14195a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. 14196 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 14197% 14198This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget 14199it. 14200% 14201 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire 14202rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better 14203than he does. 14204 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about 14205it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily 14206sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we 14207consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is 14208being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. 14209 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can 14210do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his 14211honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can 14212be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public 14213relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter 14214Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. 14215This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. 14216 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt 14217 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear 14218 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" 14219% 14220Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those 14221of us who do. 14222% 14223Those who can't write, write manuals. 14224% 14225Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. 14226% 14227"Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics." 14228 -- French Proverb 14229% 14230Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. 14231 -- Henry Spencer 14232% 14233Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, 14234for these only gave life, those the art of living well. 14235 -- Aristotle 14236% 14237Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often 14238surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. 14239 -- Mark B. Cohen 14240% 14241Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. 14242% 14243Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent 14244revolution inevitable. 14245 -- John F. Kennedy 14246% 14247Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are 14248men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean 14249without the roar of its many waters. 14250 -- Frederick Douglass 14251% 14252Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are 14253the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with 14254Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- 14255whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A 14256fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any 14257more about the matter than the others. 14258 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14259% 14260Time flies like an arrow 14261Fruit flies like a banana 14262% 14263Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. 14264% 14265Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so. 14266 -- Ford Prefect 14267% 14268Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at 14269once. 14270% 14271'Tis the dream of each programmer, 14272Before his life is done, 14273To write three lines of APL, 14274And make the damn things run. 14275% 14276 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") 14277Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug 14278Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug 14279And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 14280Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, 14281Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall 14282And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 14283And we've also found Just flip one switch 14284When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch 14285You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble 14286 in a flash. 14287Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU 14288Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," 14289And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. 14290% 14291 To A Quick Young Fox: 14292Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, 14293Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? 14294Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- 14295Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. 14296 -- Lazy Dog 14297% 14298To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 14299% 14300To be is to do. 14301 -- I. Kant 14302To do is to be. 14303 -- A. Sartre 14304Yabba-Dabba-Doo! 14305 -- F. Flinstone 14306% 14307"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore 14308this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to 14309offer in response is based on information available to make no such 14310statement." 14311% 14312To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, 14313call it the target. 14314% 14315To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. 14316% 14317"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System" 14318% 14319To err is human, to moo bovine. 14320% 14321To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. 14322 -- B. Duggan 14323% 14324To generalize is to be an idiot. 14325 -- William Blake 14326% 14327To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three 14328men, two of them absent. 14329% 14330To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. 14331 -- Thomas Edison 14332% 14333To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. 14334% 14335To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. 14336% 14337To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide 14338a test load. 14339% 14340To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional 14341system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, 14342inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: 14343precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, 14344uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, 14345well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures 14346of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very 14347secure ecological niche. 14348 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" 14349% 14350To understand this important story, you have to understand how the 14351telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local 14352computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is 14353in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the 14354lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan. 14355 14356Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it 14357suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the 14358computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the 14359one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe 14360break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid 14361incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, 14362an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca 14363pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's 14364loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen 14365and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. 14366 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own 14367 Phones?" 14368% 14369"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?" 14370% 14371"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." 14372 -- Woody Allen 14373% 14374Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. 14375% 14376Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. 14377% 14378Today is the first day of the rest of the mess 14379% 14380Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. 14381% 14382Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday 14383% 14384Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? 14385 14386And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? 14387 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 14388% 14389"Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new 14390cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more 14391spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog." 14392 -- Bob & Ray 14393% 14394"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word 14395except in major motion pictures." 14396 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 14397% 14398Toilet Toup'ee, n.: 14399 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus 14400creating endless annoyance to male users. 14401 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 14402% 14403Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. 14404% 14405Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 14406% 14407Too clever is dumb. 14408 -- Ogden Nash 14409% 14410Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. 14411 -- Mae West 14412% 14413Too much of everything is just enough. 14414 -- Bob Wier 14415% 14416Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available 14417briefcases. 14418 -- Governor Jerry Brown 14419% 14420Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the 14421earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. 14422As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. 14423Please... 14424 14425 CONSERVE GRAVITY 14426 14427Follow these simple suggestions: 14428 14429(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. 14430(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. 14431(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like 14432 curling. 14433(4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead. 14434(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big 14435 pile. 14436(6) Stop flipping pancakes 14437% 14438Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. 14439% 14440Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live 14441in eucalyptus trees. 14442% 14443Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant 14444intelligence. 14445 -- Henrik Tikkanen 14446% 14447Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. 14448 -- Mark Twain 14449% 14450Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) 14451% 14452Truthful, adj.: 14453 Dumb and illiterate. 14454 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14455% 14456Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. 14457 -- Charles Schulz 14458% 14459Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no 14460good. 14461% 14462Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, 14463is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written 14464in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and 14465pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), 14466defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the 14467absolutely perfect future. 14468 -- Amrom Katz 14469% 14470Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. 14471% 14472Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only 14473specification is that it should run noiselessly. 14474% 14475Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. 14476 -- Alan Watts 14477% 14478Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard. 14479% 14480Turnaucka's Law: 14481 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its 14482electrical cord. 14483% 14484Tussman's Law: 14485 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. 14486% 14487TV is chewing gum for the eyes. 14488 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 14489% 14490'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks 14491Did gyre and gimble in their cave 14492All mimsy was the CS-VAX 14493And Cory raths outgrabe. 14494 14495"Beware the software rot, my son! 14496The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! 14497Beware the broken pipe, and shun 14498The frumious system crash!" 14499% 14500 'Twas the Night before Crisis 14501 14502'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, 14503 Not a program was working not even a browse. 14504The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, 14505 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. 14506The users were nestled all snug in their beds, 14507 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. 14508When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, 14509 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. 14510And what to my wondering eyes should appear, 14511 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. 14512More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, 14513 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; 14514On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! 14515 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! 14516His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, 14517 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. 14518A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, 14519 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... 14520% 14521'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period 14522 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And 14523 throughout our place of residence, 14524Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the 14525 possessors of this potential, including that 14526 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. 14527Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward 14528 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, 14529Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an 14530 imminent visitation from an eccentric 14531 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations 14532 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... 14533% 14534Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. 14535 -- Walt Kelly 14536% 14537Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. 14538 -- Howard Kandel 14539% 14540Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man 14541said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The 14542second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his 14543chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded 14544only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the 14545courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten. 14546If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is 14547dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and 14548must pay three silver pieces." 14549% 14550Two percent of zero is almost nothing. 14551% 14552"Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory. 14553I forget the second." 14554% 14555Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. 14556% 14557U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! 14558 Run right up and rub its horn. 14559 Look at all those points you're losing! 14560 UMBER HULKS are so confusing. 14561 -- The Roguelet's ABC 14562% 14563"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." 14564 14565(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) 14566 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) 14567% 14568UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. 14569% 14570"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" 14571 14572"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, 14573right?" 14574 -- MacNelley, "Shoe" 14575% 14576Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: 14577 Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a 14578hammer or get a splinter in it. 14579% 14580Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: 14581 Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a 14582hammmer or get a splinter in it. 14583% 14584Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a 14585just man is also a prison. 14586 -- Henry David Thoreau 14587% 14588Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a 14589just man is also in prison. 14590 -- Henry David Thoreau 14591% 14592Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it 14593can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ... 14594% 14595Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: 14596 Superiority is recessive. 14597% 14598Unfair animal names: 14599 14600-- tsetse fly -- bullhead 14601-- booby -- duck-billed platypus 14602-- sapsucker -- Clarence 14603 -- Gary Larson 14604% 14605United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the 14606Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of 14607all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of 14608all the patriots of every persuasion. 14609 14610Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the 14611world. 14612 -- Isaac Asimov 14613% 14614Universe, n.: 14615 The problem. 14616% 14617University, n.: 14618 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's 14619usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to 14620fix it, and ... 14621% 14622unix soit qui mal y pense 14623% 14624UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on 14625Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). 14626 -- Andy Tannenbaum 14627% 14628Unnamed Law: 14629 If it happens, it must be possible. 14630% 14631Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out 14632twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. 14633 -- H. L. Mencken 14634% 14635Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir 14636% 14637User n.: 14638 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. 14639% 14640USER, n.: 14641 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." 14642 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" 14643% 14644Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. 14645 -- S. C. Johnson 14646% 14647Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, 14648opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. 14649 -- Doug Larson 14650% 14651Vail's Second Axiom: 14652 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the 14653amount of work already completed. 14654% 14655Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ... 14656Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... 14657 -- Tom Chapin 14658% 14659Van Roy's Law: 14660 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 14661% 14662Vanilla, adj.: 14663 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, 14664very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla 14665extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply 14666"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot 14667and sour won ton soup. 14668% 14669Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 14670 (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only 14671 once. 14672 (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data 14673 points. 14674% 14675Veni, Vidi, Visa. 14676% 14677 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past 14678year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley 14679reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their 14680artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue 14681moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon 14682Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the 14683entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the 14684sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." 14685 14686 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. 14687 14688 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made 14689good copy." 14690 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 14691% 14692Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. 14693% 14694Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." 14695Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes 14696 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." 14697% 14698Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. 14699 -- Salvor Hardin 14700% 14701Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the 14702yard. 14703% 14704VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 14705 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to 14706 ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this 14707 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you 14708 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of 14709 that old underwear you own. 14710% 14711VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 14712 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is 14713 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and 14714 sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus 14715 drivers. 14716% 14717"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. 14718% 14719Virtue is its own punishment. 14720% 14721Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving 14722from where you left them to where you can't find them. 14723% 14724Vitamin C deficiency is apauling 14725% 14726VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M. 14727% 14728Vote anarchist 14729% 14730Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and 14731TAX-DEFERRED! 14732% 14733VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? 14734% 14735 14736 *** System shutdown message from root *** 14737 14738System going down in 60 seconds 14739 14740 14741% 14742"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." 14743 -- Mark Twain 14744% 14745Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 147461st customer: "I'll have tea." 147472nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" 14748 (Waiter exits, returns) 14749Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" 14750% 14751Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. 14752% 14753War hath no fury like a non-combatant. 14754 -- Charles Edward Montague 14755% 14756War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable. 14757% 14758 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: 14759 14760Firings will continue until morale improves. 14761% 14762 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: 14763 14764Firings will continue until morale improves. 14765% 14766WARNING: 14767 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your 14768mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on 14769your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war. 14770% 14771Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for 14772those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking 14773up. 14774 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 14775% 14776Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with. 14777% 14778Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 14779 -- John F. Kennedy 14780% 14781Waste not, get your budget cut next year. 14782% 14783Wasting time is an important part of living. 14784% 14785Watson's Law: 14786 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the 14787number and significance of any persons watching it. 14788% 14789We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which 14790divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being 14791correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. 14792 -- Niels Bohr 14793% 14794We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. 14795 -- Oscar Wilde 14796% 14797We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. 14798 -- Winston Churchill 14799% 14800We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. 14801 -- Whole Earth Catalog 14802% 14803We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. 14804 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" 14805% 14806We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to 14807socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The 14808bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say 14809socialism? 14810 -- Fidel Castro 14811% 14812"We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last 14813theorem." 14814 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 14815% 14816"We are upping our standards ... so up yours." 14817 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988. 14818% 14819We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. 14820% 14821We can predict everything, except the future. 14822% 14823We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is 14824deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. 14825 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General 14826% 14827"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!" 14828 -- Vroomfondel 14829% 14830"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company." 14831% 14832We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a 14833fish. 14834% 14835We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the 14836hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights! 14837% 14838We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? 14839 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission 14840% 14841"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an 14842hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down 14843mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on 14844our grave singing Haleleuia ..." 14845 -- Monty Python 14846% 14847We have met the enemy, and he is us. 14848 -- Walt Kelly 14849% 14850We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get 14851back to normal, and that they already have. 14852% 14853"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his 14854hands for masturbation." 14855 -- Lily Tomlin 14856% 14857We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an 14858official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death 14859Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish 14860you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that 14861said "ELECTROCUTION". 14862 14863Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your 14864teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing 14865process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a 14866couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways 14867out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste 14868stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom 14869floor, which is how the police would find you. 14870 14871You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. 14872 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 14873% 14874We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all 14875purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start 14876with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the 14877playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is 14878best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can 14879buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. 14880 -- Alan M. Turing 14881% 14882We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always 14883respect their good judgement. 14884% 14885We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass 14886no matter how self-seeking. 14887 -- F. G. Withington 14888% 14889We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago 14890people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. 14891For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had 14892to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare 14893fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with 14894primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how 14895ugly paneling is to begin with. 14896 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 14897% 14898We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best 14899friends are trying to kill us. 14900% 14901 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. 14902But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle 14903Haggard song at a French restaurant. ... 14904 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of 14905her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I 14906had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone 14907told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was 14908lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he 14909fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing 14910what men must do. ... 14911 "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible 14912sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew 14913not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a 14914quiet and peace I will never forget. 14915 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the 14916tollway belle's for thee." 14917 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was 14918a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I 14919poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. 14920 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway 14921 Competition 14922% 14923We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one 14924technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. 14925% 14926we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, 14927we will cry over things we used to laugh & 14928our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile 14929creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & 14930in the end a summer with wild winds & 14931new friends will be. 14932% 14933We wish you a Hare Krishna 14934We wish you a Hare Krishna 14935We wish you a Hare Krishna 14936And a Sun Myung Moon! 14937 -- Maxwell Smart 14938% 14939"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later." 14940% 14941We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from 14942the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging 14943you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right 14944in his bowl full of jelly. 14945 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 14946% 14947We're only in it for the volume. 14948 -- Black Sabbath 14949% 14950We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center 14951of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, 14952but for some reason nobody's ever done it. 14953 -- Andy Rooney 14954% 14955Weiler's Law: 14956 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it 14957himself. 14958% 14959Weinberg's First Law: 14960 Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 14961% 14962Weinberg's Principle: 14963 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while 14964sweeping on to the grand fallacy. 14965% 14966Weinberg's Second Law: 14967 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 14968then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. 14969% 14970Weiner's Law of Libraries: 14971 There are no answers, only cross references. 14972% 14973Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if 14974you run out of food. 14975 -- Dean McLaughlin. 14976% 14977Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a 14978lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a 14979governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the 14980reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top 14981contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men 14982will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the 14983most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and 14984appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday 14985morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit 14986interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a 14987guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through 14988the entire show without answering a single question ... 14989 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 14990% 14991Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them 14992back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, 14993or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they 14994they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. 14995 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile 14996% 14997"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* 14998you believe?!" 14999 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] 15000% 15001Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, 15002 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; 15003I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, 15004 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 15005 15006If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, 15007 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 15008'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. 15009 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 15010 15011On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, 15012 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. 15013Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, 15014 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 15015 -- Core Dumped Blues 15016% 15017"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" 15018 15019"Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... 15020coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." 15021 -- Dr. Who 15022% 15023"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is 15024no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five 15025hundred." 15026 -- The Mahabharata. 15027% 15028Westheimer's Discovery: 15029 A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a 15030couple of hours in the library. 15031% 15032Wethern's Law: 15033 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 15034% 15035"What are we going to do?" 15036 15037"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for 15038something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a 15039short initiation period." 15040% 15041"What are you doing?" 15042 15043"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something 15044that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short 15045initiation period." 15046% 15047What color is a chameleon on a mirror? 15048% 15049 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty 15050teenager asked her mother. 15051 "Encouragement, dear," she replied. 15052% 15053What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? 15054% 15055What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? 15056% 15057What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. 15058% 15059What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. 15060% 15061"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so 15062that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our 15063country. Nice try anyway, George." 15064 -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA 15065% 15066What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the 15067entrance? 15068% 15069What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow 15070in his footsteps? 15071% 15072What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower 15073stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed 15074barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character 15075from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of 15076while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our 15077dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up 15078powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the 15079bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any 15080one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact 15081lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where 15082you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah", 15083if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with 15084that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it; 15085they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to 15086flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 15087 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 15088% 15089What I tell you three times is true. 15090% 15091"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- 15092sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up 15093with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always 15094came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at 15095parties. 15096 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 15097% 15098What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. 15099% 15100"What I've done, of course, is total garbage." 15101 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a 15102% 15103What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I 15104definitely overpaid for my carpet. 15105 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 15106% 15107What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's 15108worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? 15109 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 15110% 15111What is a magician but a practising theorist? 15112 -- Obi-Wan Kenobi 15113% 15114What is mind? No matter. 15115What is matter? Never mind. 15116 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 15117% 15118What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern 15119computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest 15120and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. 15121% 15122"What is the Nature of God?" 15123 15124 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= 15125 1 QT. SOUR CREAM 15126 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT 15127 1/2 CUT CHIVES. 15128 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. 15129 15130"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." 15131 -- Bloom County 15132% 15133"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?" 15134 -- Bertold Brecht 15135% 15136"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, 15137which is the exact opposite." 15138 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928 15139% 15140What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. 15141% 15142What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing 15143to compare it with. 15144% 15145What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. 15146It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books 15147and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes 15148and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, 15149women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate 15150mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige 15151and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." 15152 -- Susan Gordon 15153% 15154What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? 15155 -- Ursula K. LeGuin 15156% 15157What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. 15158% 15159What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. 15160% 15161What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. 15162% 15163What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent 15164bagel. 15165% 15166What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. 15167% 15168What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! 15169% 15170What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. 15171% 15172What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. 15173% 15174What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. 15175% 15176What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon. 15177% 15178What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? 15179 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 15180% 15181What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which 15182nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday 15183Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- 15184launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just 15185remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual 15186process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still 15187be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. 15188 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 15189% 15190What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it. 15191% 15192"What's another word for Thesaurus?" 15193 -- Steven Wright 15194% 15195 "What's that thing?" 15196 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in 15197computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what 15198it does. We call it a two-by-four." 15199 -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe" 15200% 15201"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?" 15202 -- Dr. Who 15203% 15204"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?" 15205 -- The Doctor 15206% 15207Whatever became of eternal truth? 15208% 15209Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for 15210cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils 15211as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding 15212hundred dollar bills." 15213 -- Herb Caen 15214% 15215Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not 15216nailed down. 15217 -- Collis P. Huntingdon 15218% 15219"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not 15220cockroaches!" 15221 -- Mom 15222% 15223When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the 15224money is. 15225 -- Robespierre 15226% 15227When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the 15228thing," it's the money. 15229 -- Kim Hubbard 15230% 15231When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half 15232loop? 15233% 15234When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is 15235not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space 15236travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. 15237 -- Robert Heinlein 15238% 15239When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the 15240sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain 15241relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. 15242 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle 15243 Maintenance" 15244% 15245When all other means of communication fail, try words. 15246% 15247"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo 15248tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?" 15249 -- Reuben Flagg 15250% 15251When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before 15252the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." 15253 -- Vine Deloria, Jr. 15254% 15255When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I 15256think it was a Tuesday. 15257% 15258When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to 15259guarantee them. 15260% 15261"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great 15262parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if 15263I'm leaving." 15264 -- Steven Wright 15265% 15266When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a 15267year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire 15268winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. 15269 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 15270% 15271When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young 15272ladies, and, of course, the goat. 15273% 15274When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now 15275I'm beginning to believe it. 15276 -- Clarence Darrow 15277% 15278When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you 15279take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come 15280and get you." 15281 -- Jerry Lewis 15282% 15283"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any 15284firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'" 15285 -- Steven Wright 15286% 15287When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into 15288the soul of the boy sitting next to me. 15289 -- Woody Allen 15290% 15291When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an 15292act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A 15293group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a 15294six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things 15295together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ... 15296Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective 15297responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military 15298establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have 15299been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things 15300together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. 15301 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" 15302% 15303When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened 15304or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I 15305cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to 15306go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. 15307 -- Mark Twain 15308% 15309When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. 15310% 15311"When in doubt, tell the truth." 15312 -- Mark Twain 15313% 15314When in doubt, use brute force. 15315 -- Ken Thompson 15316% 15317When in panic, fear and doubt, 15318Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. 15319% 15320When love is gone, there's always justice. 15321And when justice is gone, there's always force. 15322And when force is gone, there's always Mom. 15323Hi, Mom! 15324 -- Laurie Anderson 15325% 15326When Marriage is Outlawed, 15327Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. 15328% 15329When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment 15330results. 15331 -- Calvin Coolidge 15332% 15333When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony 15334concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- 15335and I find I mind it less and less." 15336 -- Louise Andrews Kent 15337% 15338When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: 15339for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when 15340your boss is away and you get twice as much done. 15341 -- Daniel B. Luten 15342% 15343When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only 15344say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. 15345% 15346"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical" 15347 -- Jon Carroll 15348% 15349When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you 15350modify the problem, not the remedy. 15351% 15352When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, 15353the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a 15354nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that. 15355 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 15356% 15357When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is 15358metaphysics. 15359 -- Voltaire 15360% 15361When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the 15362stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them 15363from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones 15364were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the 15365corners as bodies of a lower grade ... 15366 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 15367% 15368When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the 15369plane will fly. 15370 -- Donald Douglas 15371% 15372When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most 15373insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are 15374required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and 15375exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. 15376 -- George Bernard Shaw 15377% 15378When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is 15379not hereditary. 15380 -- Thomas Paine 15381% 15382When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- 15383except our fingertips will have been singed. 15384 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 15385% 15386When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of 15387investigation of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, 15388so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or 15389swayed, directly to the goal. 15390 -- Amrom Katz 15391% 15392"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut." 15393% 15394When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. 15395% 15396When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. 15397 -- Harry Truman 15398% 15399 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure 15400clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer 15401to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. 15402 In a way, the next move is up to him. 15403 -- R. A. Lafferty 15404% 15405"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." 15406 -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war 15407% 15408When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by 15409asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't 15410know the answer either. 15411 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 15412% 15413When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. 15414 -- The Wall Street Journal 15415% 15416When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the 15417impression you will make. 15418% 15419When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, 15420Wretched, bored, dejected; only 15421Here's the rub, my darling dear 15422I feel the same when you are near. 15423 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" 15424% 15425When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. 15426% 15427Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". 15428 -- Dave Parnas 15429% 15430Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to 15431see it tried on him personally. 15432 -- A. Lincoln 15433% 15434Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. 15435 -- Oscar Wilde 15436% 15437Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last 15438you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his 15439Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. 15440 -- Mark Twain 15441 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" 15442% 15443Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time 15444to reform. 15445 -- Mark Twain 15446% 15447WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE 15448 15449 Oh, dear, where can the matter be 15450 When it's converted to energy? 15451 There is a slight loss of parity. 15452 Johnny's so long at the fair. 15453% 15454Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what 15455is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. 15456 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 15457% 15458Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. 15459% 15460Whether you can hear it or not 15461The Universe is laughing behind your back 15462 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 15463% 15464Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? 15465% 15466While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is 15467admission to someone else. 15468% 15469While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 15470The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 15471While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 15472And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 15473Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 15474The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 15475 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 15476 November 26, 1792 15477% 15478While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. 15479% 15480While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't 15481keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. 15482 -- Edward Stevenson 15483% 15484While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own 15485form of misery. 15486% 15487While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining 15488position. 15489% 15490While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their 15491correctness never does. 15492% 15493While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very 15494reassuring to know that it's still there. 15495% 15496While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are 15497safe, for you can watch both of his. 15498 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15499% 15500Whistler's Law: 15501 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in 15502charge. 15503% 15504"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new 15505Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..." 15506% 15507Who made the world I cannot tell; 15508'Tis made, and here am I in hell. 15509My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, 15510I never soiled with such a deed. 15511 -- A. E. Housman 15512% 15513Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? 15514% 15515Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? 15516% 15517Who's on first? 15518% 15519"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. 15520 -- George Ade 15521% 15522Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. 15523% 15524Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. 15525% 15526"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could 15527have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing." 15528 -- Ian Shoales 15529% 15530"Why be a man when you can be a success?" 15531 -- Bertold Brecht 15532% 15533Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we 15534have? 15535% 15536Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? 15537% 15538Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to 15539avoid responsibility with? 15540% 15541Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office 15542automation? 15543% 15544Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with. 15545% 15546Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently 15547there must be a beverage. 15548 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 15549% 15550Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have 15551more lawyers? 15552 15553New Jersey had first choice. 15554% 15555Why don't elephants eat penguins ? 15556 15557Because they can't get the wrappers off ... 15558% 15559Why I Can't Go Out With You: 15560 15561I'd LOVE to, but ... 15562 -- I have to floss my cat. 15563 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. 15564 -- I need to spend more time with my blender. 15565 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 15566 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. 15567 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. 15568 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 15569 -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. 15570 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 15571 -- I have some really hard words to look up. 15572 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 15573 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 15574% 15575"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is 15576because we are not the person involved" 15577 -- Mark Twain 15578% 15579Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 15580% 15581"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?" 15582 -- Lily Tomlin 15583% 15584"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love 15585you knowing nothing?" 15586 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions 15587% 15588Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? 15589Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your 15590children open their old-fashioned presents. 15591 15592Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" 15593 15594You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it 15595 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" 15596 15597Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer 15598 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, 15599 and I get this cretin TOP?" 15600 15601Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." 15602 15603You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" 15604 15605Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." 15606 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 15607% 15608"Why was I born with such contemporaries?" 15609 -- Oscar Wilde 15610% 15611Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: 15612 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, 15613when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your 15614direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. 15615 -- John L. Shelton 15616% 15617Wiker's Law: 15618 Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. 15619% 15620 William Safire's Rules for Writers: 15621 15622Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never 15623be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to 15624agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words 15625out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal 15626of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must 15627not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a 15628conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a 15629sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as 15630close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more 15631words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles 15632must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a 15633linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing 15634metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should 15635be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their 15636writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows 15637the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek 15638viable alternatives. 15639% 15640Williams and Holland's Law: 15641 If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by 15642statistical methods. 15643% 15644Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as 15645it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. 15646% 15647Wit, n.: 15648 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery 15649... by leaving it out. 15650 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15651% 15652With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I 15653try to be a fraud and a half. 15654 -- Otto von Bismark 15655% 15656With a rubber duck, one's never alone. 15657 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 15658% 15659With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once 15660build a nuclear balm? 15661% 15662With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand 15663miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and 15664still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no 15665such thing as progress. 15666 -- Ransom K. Ferm 15667% 15668Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. 15669% 15670Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: 15671 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. 15672 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. 15673 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) 15674 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a 15675 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. 15676 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. 15677 -- Rich Kulawiec 15678% 15679Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If 15680you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut 15681down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that 15682tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with 15683long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit 15684there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you 15685come back. 15686 15687Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, 15688when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. 15689Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the 15690cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood 15691heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately 15692beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, 15693and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, 15694although their insurance rates went way up. 15695 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 15696% 15697Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): 15698 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage 15699any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you 15700should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, 15701and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we 15702bargained for. 15703% 15704Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your 15705chairs. 15706% 15707World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced 15708dress code! 15709% 15710Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: 15711 August. The lines are the shortest, though. 15712 -- Steve Rubenstein 15713% 15714Worst Month of the Year: 15715 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if 15716you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't 15717get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. 15718 -- Steve Rubenstein 15719% 15720Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: 15721 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved 15722in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs 15723damage my videotapes?" 15724% 15725Worst Vegetable of the Year: 15726 The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next 15727year. 15728 -- Steve Rubenstein 15729% 15730"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" 15731 15732"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat 15733 -- Lewis Carrol 15734% 15735"Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish 15736and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer 15737if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and 15738and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and 15739and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?" 15740% 15741Write-Protect Tab, n.: 15742 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly 15743left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error 15744message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the 15745momentary inconvenience. 15746 -- Robb Russon 15747% 15748Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. 15749 -- Frank Zappa 15750% 15751"Wrong," said Renner. 15752 15753"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with 15754the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" 15755% 15756X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the 15757imagination is the plot. 15758% 15759Xerox does it again and again and again and ... 15760% 15761Xerox never comes up with anything original. 15762% 15763XIIdigitation, n.: 15764 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made 15765by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. 15766 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 15767% 15768"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have 15769goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in 15770their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating 15771unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my 15772doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. 15773 -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" 15774% 15775Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall 15776fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic 15777operators together. 15778 -- Steve Higgins 15779% 15780"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context." 15781% 15782Year, n.: 15783 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 15784 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15785% 15786Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. 15787% 15788Yes, but which self do you want to be? 15789% 15790Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still 15791be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. 15792 -- Snoopy 15793% 15794Yesterday upon the stair 15795I met a man who wasn't there. 15796He wasn't there again today -- 15797I think he's from the CIA. 15798% 15799Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. 15800 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 15801% 15802Yinkel, n.: 15803 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one 15804will notice. 15805 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 15806% 15807You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. 15808% 15809You are here: 15810 *** 15811 *** 15812 ********* 15813 ******* 15814 ***** 15815 *** 15816 * 15817 15818 But you're not all there. 15819% 15820"You are old, Father William," the young man said, 15821 "All your papers these days look the same; 15822Those William's would be better unread -- 15823 Do these facts never fill you with shame?" 15824 15825"In my youth," Father William replied to his son, 15826 "I wrote wonderful papers galore; 15827But the great reputation I found that I'd won, 15828 Made it pointless to think any more." 15829% 15830"You are old, father William," the young man said, 15831 "And your hair has become very white; 15832And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- 15833 Do you think, at your age, it is right?" 15834 15835"In my youth," father William replied to his son, 15836 "I feared it might injure the brain; 15837But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, 15838 Why, I do it again and again." 15839 -- Lewis Carrol 15840% 15841"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers 15842 That your lectures bore people to death. 15843Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- 15844 Don't you think that you should save your breath?" 15845 15846"I have answered three questions and that is enough," 15847 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! 15848Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 15849 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" 15850% 15851"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak 15852 For anything tougher than suet; 15853Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- 15854 Pray, how did you manage to do it?" 15855 15856"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, 15857 And argued each case with my wife; 15858And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, 15859 Has lasted the rest of my life." 15860 -- Lewis Carrol 15861% 15862"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, 15863 And there isn't one language you like; 15864Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- 15865 Have you thought about taking a hike?" 15866 15867"Since I never write programs," his father replied, 15868 "Every language looks equally bad; 15869Yet the people keep paying to read all my books 15870 And don't realize that they've been had." 15871% 15872"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 15873 And have grown most uncommonly fat; 15874Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- 15875 Pray what is the reason of that?" 15876 15877"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, 15878 "I kept all my limbs very supple 15879By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- 15880 Allow me to sell you a couple?" 15881 -- Lewis Carrol 15882% 15883"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 15884 And make errors few people could bear; 15885You complain about everyone's English but yours -- 15886 Do you really think this is quite fair?" 15887 15888"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, 15889 "But my stature these days is so great 15890That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, 15891 And to stop me it's now far too late." 15892% 15893"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose 15894 That your eye was as steady as ever; 15895Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- 15896 What made you so awfully clever?" 15897 15898"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," 15899 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! 15900Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 15901 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" 15902 -- Lewis Carrol 15903% 15904You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 15905% 15906You are the only person to ever get this message. 15907% 15908You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading 15909this sort of trash. 15910% 15911You buttered your bread, now lie in it. 15912% 15913You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting 15914incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. 15915Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable 15916to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because 15917nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes 15918they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; 15919some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. 15920 15921The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then 15922pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear 15923safety glasses. 15924 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 15925% 15926"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 15927doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on." 15928 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 15929% 15930You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior 15931executive. 15932% 15933"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 15934Why do you find that funny?" 15935 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350 15936% 15937You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you 15938can with just a kind word. 15939 -- Bumper Sticker 15940% 15941You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, 15942for instance. 15943 -- Franklin P. Jones 15944% 15945You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. 15946% 15947You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on 15948the continuing viability of FORTRAN. 15949 -- Alan Perlis 15950% 15951You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. 15952% 15953You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding 15954decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left 15955over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. 15956 -- F. Allen 15957% 15958You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of 15959supercomputers. 15960 -- Steven Feiner 15961% 15962You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. 15963% 15964"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename." 15965 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 15966% 15967You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. 15968% 15969"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" 15970 -- Steven Wright 15971% 15972You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. 15973 -- Booker T. Washington 15974% 15975You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. 15976% 15977"You can't make a program without broken egos." 15978% 15979You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic 15980enough worrying about what's happening now. 15981 -- Lauren Bacall 15982% 15983"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten." 15984 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 15985 Over and Over" 15986% 15987"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they 15988don't." 15989 -- Dagwood Bumstead 15990% 15991You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. 15992% 15993You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. 15994% 15995You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. 15996% 15997You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first 15998and last month in advance. 15999% 16000You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable 16001doubt. 16002 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict 16003% 16004You do not have mail. 16005% 16006You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. 16007 -- J. D. Salinger 16008% 16009You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting 16010needles. 16011 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food 16012% 16013You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. 16014The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", 16015which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears 16016tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last 16017names. Here's the complete text: 16018 16019 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) 16020 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) 16021 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to 16022 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF 16023 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) 16024 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way 16025 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST 16026 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" 16027 16028The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your 16029money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long 16030form. 16031 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 16032% 16033You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. 16034% 16035You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- 16036 16037This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- 16038 16039You are permanently confused. 16040 -- Dave Decot 16041% 16042You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to 16043metal objects which are not fastened down. 16044% 16045You have junk mail. 16046% 16047You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets 16048wrinkled. 16049% 16050You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot 16051today. 16052% 16053You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes 16054you wore home from the party and there aren't any. 16055% 16056You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens 16057anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, 16058you can always change the channel. 16059 -- Jim Ignatowski 16060% 16061You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. 16062 -- S. Rickly Christian 16063% 16064You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. 16065 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82 16066% 16067You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your 16068friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. 16069% 16070You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. 16071% 16072 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon 16073airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in 16074deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me 16075when I was young!" 16076 "Why, what did she tell you?" 16077 "I don't know, I didn't listen!" 16078 -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 16079% 16080You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. 16081% 16082You may be recognized soon. Hide. 16083% 16084You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he 16085is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. 16086 -- Sydney Harris 16087% 16088You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with 16089him. 16090 -- Ed Howe 16091% 16092You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. 16093 -- Alfred Kahn 16094% 16095You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for 16096success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits 16097or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume 16098party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. 16099 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" 16100% 16101You might have mail 16102% 16103"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable 16104proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do." 16105% 16106You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll 16107be dead. 16108% 16109You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a 16110reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating 16111the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for 16112independence. 16113 -- Charles A. Beard 16114% 16115You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the 16116beach. 16117% 16118You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were 16119you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare 16120yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the 16121company. 16122 -- J. Wellington Wells 16123% 16124You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. 16125% 16126You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could 16127know how seldom they do. 16128 -- Olin Miller. 16129% 16130You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially 16131if they are dead. 16132% 16133You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than 16134about 10^12 to 1. 16135 -- Ernest Rutherford 16136% 16137You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for 16138freedom and liberty. 16139 -- Henrik Ibsen 16140% 16141You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, 16142contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from 16143houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many 16144scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the 16145summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, 16146you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist 16147sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. 16148 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 16149% 16150You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, 16151another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and 16152another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms 16153such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In 16154many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. 16155If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you 16156should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate 16157for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it 16158because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially 16159chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. 16160 16161In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his 16162hemorrhoids. 16163 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 16164% 16165"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a 16166plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture" 16167 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia 16168% 16169You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother. 16170% 16171 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF 16172 PAPER SHUFFLING! 16173 16174Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be 16175a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel 16176really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." 16177 16178Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward 16179to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and 16180make really big Zorkmids." 16181 16182MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when 16183you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. 16184 16185 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! 16186% 16187You too can wear a nose mitten. 16188% 16189You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. 16190% 16191You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of 16192a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. 16193% 16194You will be surprised by a loud noise. 16195% 16196You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. 16197% 16198You will feel hungry again in another hour. 16199% 16200You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door 16201mayonnaise salesman. 16202% 16203 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the 16204Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the 16205parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. 16206 -- Sherlock Holmes 16207% 16208You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes. 16209% 16210You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to 16211worry. 16212% 16213You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a 16214taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a 16215minute and a huff. 16216 -- Groucho Marx 16217% 16218"You'll never be the man your mother was!" 16219% 16220You're at the end of the road again. 16221% 16222You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. 16223% 16224You're never too old to become younger. 16225 -- Mae West 16226% 16227You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 16228 -- Dean Martin 16229% 16230You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! 16231% 16232You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. 16233% 16234"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks." 16235 -- Gary Giddens 16236% 16237"You've got to think about tomorrow!" 16238 16239"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!" 16240% 16241Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a 16242thing he tells you. 16243% 16244Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you 16245from enjoying it. 16246% 16247Your fault: core dumped 16248% 16249 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that 16250bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a 16251chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home 16252electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit 16253breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires 16254until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can 16255damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change 16256your fuses regularly. 16257 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This 16258sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more 16259often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case 16260you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not 16261sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a 16262fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed 16263electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession, 16264such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette 16265table, etc. 16266 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 16267% 16268Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. 16269% 16270Your lucky color has faded. 16271% 16272Your lucky number has been disconnected. 16273% 16274Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. 16275% 16276Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. 16277% 16278"Yow! Am I having fun yet?" 16279 -- Zippy the Pinhead 16280% 16281YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!" 16282% 16283Zero Defects, n.: 16284 The result of shutting down a production line. 16285% 16286Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words 16287since I first called my brother's father dad. 16288 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 16289% 16290Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: 16291 People are always available for work in the past tense. 16292