1A bad little girl in Madrid, 2A most reprehensible kid, 3 Told her Tante Louise 4 That her cunt smelled like cheese, 5And the worst of it was that it did! 6% 7A bather whose clothing was strewed 8By breezes that left her quite nude, 9 Saw a man come along 10 And, unless I am wrong, 11You expected this line to be lewd. 12% 13A bather whose clothing was strewed 14By breezes that left her quite nude, 15 Saw a man come along 16 And, unless I'm quite wrong, 17You expected this line to be lewd. 18% 19A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? 20I am not I, I'm a tree." 21 But another, more sane, 22 Shouted, "I'm a great dane " 23And covered his pants leg with pee. 24% 25A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? 26I am not I, I'm a tree." 27 But another, more sane, 28 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" 29And covered his pants leg with pee. 30% 31A beautiful belle of Del Norte 32Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty 33 Because during the day 34 She says: "Boys, keep away!" 35But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. 36% 37A beautiful lady named Psyche 38Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. 39 One thing about Ike 40 The lady can't like 41Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. 42% 43A beetling young woman named Pridgets 44Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; 45 Off the end of a wharf 46 She once pushed a dwarf 47Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. 48 -- Edward Gorey 49% 50A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression 51Sold cigars at a key-club concession. 52 When she swiveled about 53 Even strong men cried out, 54For her costume did not keep her flesh in. 55% 56A bobby of Nottingham Junction 57Whose organ had long ceased to function 58 Deceived his good wife 59 For the rest of her life 60With the aid of his constable's truncheon. 61% 62A broken-down harlot named Tupps 63Was heard to confess in her cups: 64 "The height of my folly 65 Was diddling a collie- 66But I got a nice price for the pups." 67% 68A broken-down harlot named Tupps 69Was heard to confess in her cups: 70 "The height of my folly 71 Was fucking a collie -- 72But I got a nice price for the pups." 73% 74A burleyque dancer, a pip 75Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; 76 But she read science fiction 77 And died of constriction 78Attempting a Moebius strip. 79 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" 80% 81A busy young lady named Gloria 82Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier 83 And then by six men, 84 Sir Gerald again, 85And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 86% 87A cabin boy on an old clipper 88Grew steadily flipper and flipper. 89 He plugged up his ass 90 With fragments of glass 91And thus circumcised his old skipper. 92% 93A cautious young fellow named Lodge 94Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 95 When his date was strapped in, 96 He committed a sin, 97Without even leaving his grodge. 98% 99A cautious young fellow named Lodge, 100Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 101 With his date all strapped in 102 He committed a sin 103Without even leaving the garage. 104 -- "A Boy and His Dog" 105% 106A cautious young fellow named Tunney 107Had a whang that was worth any money. 108 When eased in half-way, 109 The girl's sigh made him say, 110"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." 111% 112A certain young man, it was noted, 113Went about in the heat thickly-coated; 114 He said, "You may scoff, 115 But I shan't take it off; 116Underneath I am horribly bloated." 117 -- Edward Gorey 118% 119A certain young person of Ghent, 120Uncertain if lady or gent, 121 Shows his organs at large 122 For a small handling charge 123To assist him in paying the rent. 124% 125A certain young sheik of Algiers 126Said to his harem, "My dears, 127 Though you may think it odd of me, 128 I'm tired of just sodomy 129Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) 130% 131A chap down in Oklahoma 132Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, 133 But the sweetness of pitch 134 Couldn't put off the hitch 135Of impotence, size and aroma. 136% 137A charmer from old Amarillo, 138Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, 139 Decided one day 140 That to keep men away 141She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. 142% 143A chippy who worked in Black Bluff 144Had a pussy as large as a muff. 145 It had room for both hands 146 And some intimate glands, 147And was soft as a little duck's fluff. 148% 149A clerical student named Pryne 150Through pain sought to reach the divine: 151 He wore a hair shirt, 152 Quite often ate dirt, 153And bathed every Friday in brine. 154 -- Edward Gorey 155% 156A clever young man named Eugene 157Invented a jack-off machine. 158 On the twenty-third stroke 159 The fuckin' thing broke 160And beat both his balls to a creame. 161% 162A clever young man named Eugene 163Invented a jack-off machine. 164 On the twenty-third stroke 165 The goddam thing broke 166And beat both his balls to a creame. 167% 168A cocksucking steno named Beeman 169Remarked as she swallowed my semen : 170 "On my minuscule salary 171 I must watch every calorie, 172So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" 173% 174A computer called Illiac4 175Had a rather tough bug in its core. 176 It chewed up its cards 177 And spewed yards and yards 178Of illegible tape on the floor. 179% 180A computer, to print out a fact, 181Will divide, multiply, and subtract. 182 But this output can be 183 No more than debris, 184If the input was short of exact. 185 -- Gigo 186% 187A contortionist hailing from Lynch 188Used to rent out his tool by the inch. 189 A foot cost a quid -- 190 He could and he did 191Stretch it to three in a pinch. 192% 193A corpulent maiden named Kroll 194Had a notion exceedingly droll: 195 At a masquerade ball, 196 Dressed in nothing at all, 197She backed in as a Parker House roll. 198% 199A couple was fishing near Clombe 200When the maid began looking quite glum, 201 And said, "Bother the fish! 202 I'd rather coish!" 203Which they did -- which was why they had come. 204% 205A cowhand way out in Seattle 206Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. 207 He said, "No, I can't fuck 208 A lamb or a duck, 209But golly! it just fits the cattle." 210% 211A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 212And had an affair with a Saracen. 213 She was not oversexed, 214 Or jealous or vexed, 215She just wanted to make a comparison. 216% 217A CS student named Lin 218Had a prick the size of a pin 219 It was no good for girls 220 But just great for squirrels 221Who squealed with delight with it in. 222% 223A cute little twerp from Samoa 224Had a cock of one inch and no moa. 225 It was good for keyholes 226 And debutantes' peeholes 227But not worth a damn on a whoa. 228% 229A daredevil skater named Lowe, 230Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, 231 But is proudest of doing, 232 Some incredible screwing, 233Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! 234% 235A deep-throated virgin named Netty 236Was sucking a cock on the jetty. 237 She said, "It tastes nice, 238 Much better than rice, 239Though not quite as good as spaghetti." 240% 241A delighted, incredulous bride 242Remarked to her groom at her side : 243 "I never could quite 244 Believe till tonight 245Our anatomies would coincide." 246% 247A dentist, young doctor Malone, 248Got a charming girl patient alone, 249 And, in his depravity, 250 Filled the wrong cavity. 251God, how his practice has grown. 252% 253A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, 254With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, 255 Let his third-story front, 256 To a willing young cunt, 257Who supplied him a new lease on life! 258% 259A desperate spinster from Clare 260Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, 261 And prayed to her God 262 For a romp on the sod-- 263'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. 264% 265A distinguished professor from Swarthmore 266Got along with a sexy young sophomore. 267 As quick as a glance 268 He stripped off his pants, 269But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. 270% 271A doctoral student from Buckingham 272Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 273 But a dropout from paree 274 Taught him Gamahuchee 275- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 276% 277A doctoral student from Buckingham 278Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 279 But a dropout from paree 280 Taught him Gamahuchee 281So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 282% 283A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, 284Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 285 She blew her vagina 286 To South Carolina, 287And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. 288 289A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, 290Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. 291 They found her vagina, 292 In South Carolina, 293And part of her ass in Brazil. 294% 295A dolly in Dallas named Alice, 296Whose overworked sex is all callous, 297 Wore the foreskin away 298 On uncircumcised Ray, 299Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. 300% 301A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 302Wished to foster an aura of menace; 303 To make people afraid 304 He wore gloves of grey suede 305And white footgear intended for tennis. 306 -- Edward Gorey 307% 308A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 309Wished to foster an aura of menace. 310 To make people afraid 311 He wore gloves of grey suede 312And white footgear intended for tennis. 313 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" 314% 315A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, 316Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, 317 Had achieved some reknown 318 For her tone going down-- 319There's a nice civil tongue in her head. 320% 321A fair-haired young damsel named Grace 322Thought it very, very foolish to place 323 Her hand on your cock 324 When it turned hard as rock, 325For fear it would explode in your face. 326% 327A farmer I know named O'Doole 328Had a long and incredible tool. 329 He can use it to plow, 330 Or to diddle a cow, 331Or just as a cue-stick at pool. 332% 333A fellatrix's healthful condition 334Proved the value of spunk as nutrition. 335 Her remarkable diet 336 (I suggest that you try it) 337Was only her clients' emission. 338% 339A fellow whose surname was Hunt 340Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: 341 This versatile spout 342 Could be turned inside out, 343Like a glove, and be used as a cunt. 344% 345A fisherman off of Cape Cod 346Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!" 347 But the high-minded fish 348 Resented his wish, 349And nimbly swam off with his rod. 350% 351A foolish geologist from Kissen 352Just didn't know what he was missin', 353 By studying rock 354 And neglecting his cock, 355And using it merely for pissin'. 356% 357A Frenchman who lived in Alsace 358Had sex with a virgin named Grace. 359 When he popped her cherry, 360 She made things hairy 361By bleeding all over his face. 362% 363A frustrated lady named Alice 364Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 365 They found her vagina 366 In North Carolina 367And bits of her tits were in Dallas. 368% 369A gay young prince from Morocco 370Made love in a manner rococco. 371 He painted his penis 372 To resemble a venus 373And flavored his semen with cocoa. 374% 375A geneticist living in Delft 376Scientifically played with himself, 377 And when he was done 378 He labled it: son, 379And filed him away on a shelf. 380% 381A geneticist living in Delft 382Scientifically played with himself, 383 And when he was done 384 He labled it: son, 385And filed him away on a shelf. 386A gentleman, otherwise meek, 387Detested with passion the leek; 388 When offered one out 389 He dealt such a clout 390To the maid, she was down for a week. 391 -- Edward Gorey 392% 393A gentleman, otherwise meek, 394Detested with passion the leek; 395 When offered one out 396 He dealt such a clout 397To the maid, she was down for a week. 398 -- Edward Gorey 399% 400A german composer named Bruckner 401Remarked to a lady while fuckener : 402 "Less lento, my dear, 403 With your cute little rear; 404I like a hot presto when muckener!" 405% 406A gift was delivered to Laura 407From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah; 408 Wrapped in tissue and crepe, 409 It was peeled, like a grape, 410And emitted a pale, greenish aura. 411 -- Edward Gorey 412% 413A gifted young fellow from Sparta 414Was widely renowned as a farta'. 415 He could fart anything 416 From "Of Thee I Sing," 417To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." 418% 419A girl camper once had an affair 420With a fellow all covered with hair. 421 When she gave him his hat 422 She realized that 423She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. 424% 425A girl of the Enterprise crew 426Refused every offer to screw. 427 But a Vulcan named Spock 428 Crawled under her smock, 429And now she is eating for two. 430% 431A girl of uncertain nativity 432Had an ass of extreme sensitivity 433 While she sat on the lap 434 Of a German or Jap, 435She could sense Fifth Column activity. 436% 437A graduate student named Zac 438Was said to be great in the sack. 439 An inch of his boner 440 Put girls in a coma 441And two gave them epileptic attacks. 442% 443A graduate student named Zac 444Was said to be great in the sack. 445 An inch of his boner 446 Put girls in a coma 447And two gave them epileptic attacks. 448% 449A greedy young lady from Sidney 450Liked it in up to her kidney, 451 Till a man from Quebec 452 Shoved it up to her neck-- 453He really diddled her, didn' he? 454% 455A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds 456Once swallowed a package of seeds. 457 In a month, his ass 458 Was covered with grass 459And his balls were grown over with weeds. 460% 461A guest in a household quite charmless 462Was informed its eccentric was harmless: 463 "If you're caught unawares 464 At the head of the stairs, 465Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." 466 -- Edward Gorey 467% 468A habit depraved and unsavory 469Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery 470 Midst screeches and howls 471 He deflowered young owls 472Which he kept in an underground aviary 473% 474A habit obscene and bizarre, 475Has taken a-hold of papa. 476 He brings home young camels 477 And other odd mammals, 478And gives them a go at mama. 479% 480A habit obscene and unsavory, 481Holds a CS professor in slavery. 482 With maniacal howls, 483 He deflowers young owls, 484That he keeps in an underground aviary. 485% 486A hacker who screwed a mag tape 487Was caught and convicted of rape. 488 To jail he did go, 489 From which, to his woe 490He couldn't get out with ESC. 491% 492A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk 493Made love to the drive of his disk. 494 The thing circumsized him, 495 Which rather suprised him. 496He wasn't aware of *that* risk. 497% 498A handsome young rodent named Gratian 499As a lifeguard became a sensation. 500 All the lady mice waved 501 And screamed to be saved 502By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. 503% 504A happy old hooker named Grace 505Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race. 506 It was hard for beginners 507 To tell who were winners : 508There were cunt hairs all over the place. 509% 510A hardware debugger named Court 511Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port. 512 But its buffer array 513 Only handled 1K, 514So the port's driver cut it off short. 515% 516A haughty young wench of Del Norte 517Would fuck only men over forty. 518 Said she, "It's too quick 519 With a young fellow's prick; 520I like it to last, and be warty." 521% 522A headstrong young woman in Ealing 523Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling; 524 When quizzed why she did, 525 She replied, "To be rid 526Of a strange, overpowering feeling." 527 -- Edward Gorey 528% 529A hearty young fellow named Yost 530Once had an affair with a ghost. 531 At the height of the spasm 532 The poor ectoplasm 533Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost." 534% 535A hearty young fellow named Yost 536Once had an affair with a ghost. 537 At the height of the spasm 538 The poor ectoplasm 539Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost." 540% 541A hidebound young virgin named Carrie 542Would say, when the fellows got hairy : 543 "Keep your prick in your pants 544 Till the end of this dance--" 545Which is why Carrie still has her cherry. 546% 547A highly aesthetic young Jew 548Had eyes of a heavenly blue; 549 The end of his dillie 550 Was shaped like a lilly, 551And his balls were too utterly two! 552% 553A highway patrol buff named Claire, 554Once screwed half a troop on a dare, 555 And her parts grew so hot, 556 There was steam on her twat, 557So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare! 558% 559A horny young fellow named Reg, 560Was jerking off under a hedge. 561 The gardener drew near 562 With a huge pruning shear, 563And trimmed off the edge of his wedge. 564% 565A huge-organed female in Dallas, 566Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus, 567 Was virgo intacto, 568 Because, ipso facto, 569No phallus in Dallas fit Alice. 570% 571A joker who haunts Monticello 572Is really a terrible fellow. 573 In the midst of caresses 574 He fills ladies dresses 575With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello. 576% 577A lacklustre lady of Brougham 578Weaveth all night at her loom. 579 Anon she doth blench 580 When her lord and his wench 581Pull a chain in the neighbouring room. 582% 583A lad, at his first copulation, 584Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, 585 Gyration, elation 586 Throughout the duration, 587I guess I'll give up masturbation." 588% 589A lad from far-off Transvaal 590Was lustful, but tactful withal. 591 He'd say, just for luck, 592 "Mam'selle, do you fuck?" 593But he'd bow till he almost would crawl. 594% 595A lad of the brainier kind 596Had erogenous zones in his mind. 597 He got his sensations, 598 By solving equations, 599(Of course, in the end, he went blind.) 600% 601A lady born under a curse 602Used to drive forth each day in a hearse; 603 From the back she would wail 604 Through a thickness of veil: 605"Things do not get better, but worse." 606 -- Edward Gorey 607% 608A lady both callous and brash 609Met a man with a vast black moustache; 610 She cried, "Shave it, O do! 611 And I'll put it with glue 612On my hat as a sort of panache." 613 -- Edward Gorey 614% 615A lady from Kalamazoo 616Once found she had nothing to do, 617 So she sat on the stairs 618 And she counted her hairs: 6194,302. 620% 621A lady from Old Little Rock 622In fidelity took little stock, 623 And deserted her man 624 In the streets of Japan 625For a boy with a prehensile cock. 626% 627A lady removing her scanties, 628Heard them crackle electrical chanties. 629 Said her beau, "Have no fear, 630 For the reason is clear: 631You simply have amps in your panties. 632% 633A lady stockholder quite hetera 634Decided her fortune to bettera: 635 On the floor, quite unclad, 636 She successively had 637Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera... 638% 639A lady was seized with intent 640To revise her existence misspent. 641 So she climbed up the dome 642 Of St. Peter's in Rome, 643Where she stayed through the following Lent. 644 -- Edward Gorey 645% 646A lady while dining at Crewe 647Found an elephant's whang in her stew. 648 Said the waiter, "Don't shout, 649 And don't wave it about, 650Or the others will all want one too." 651% 652A lady, while dining in Crewe, 653Found an elephant's whang in her stew. 654 Said the waiter, "Don't shout 655 Or wave it about 656Or the others will ask for one, too." 657% 658A lady who signs herself "Vexed" 659Writes to say she believes she's been hexed: 660 "I don't mind my shins 661 Being stuck full of pins, 662But I fear I am coming unsexed." 663 -- Edward Gorey 664% 665A lady with features cherubic 666Was famed for her area pubic. 667 When they asked her its size 668 She replied in surprise, 669"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" 670% 671A lass at the foot of her class 672Asked a brainier chick how to pass. 673 She replied, "With no fuss 674 You can get a B-plus, 675By letting the prof pat your ass." 676% 677A lecherous barkeep named Dale, 678After fucking his favorite female, 679 Mixed Drambuie and scotch 680 With the cream in her crotch 681For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail. 682% 683A licentious old justice of Salem 684Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. 685 But instead of a fine 686 He would stand them in line, 687With his common-law tool to impale 'em. 688% 689A limerick packs laughs anatomical 690Into space that is quite economical. 691 But the good ones I've seen 692 So seldom are clean, 693And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 694% 695A linguist thought it a farce 696That memory space was so sparse. 697 One day they increased it. 698 Said he as he seized it: 699"At last! Enough core for the parse". 700% 701A lonely young lad of Eton 702Used always to sleep with the heat on, 703 Till he ran into a lass 704 Who showed him her ass -- 705Now they sleep with only a sheet on. 706% 707A lovely young diver named Nancy, 708Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy, 709 The fish of Bonaire, 710 Watched her Derriere, 711And the sea fans all tickled her fancy. 712% 713A lovely young maid from St. Jude 714Once rode through the streets in the nude. 715 The police cried, "Whatam-- 716 Agnificent bottom" 717And slapped it as hard as they could. 718% 719A lovely young maid from St. Jude 720Once rode through the streets in the nude. 721 The police cried, "Whatam-- 722 Agnificent bottom" 723And slapped it as hard as they cude. 724% 725A lusty young maid from Seattle 726Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; 727 Till she found a bull 728 Who filled her so full 729It made both her ovaries rattle. 730% 731A lusty young woodsman of Maine 732For years with no woman had lain, 733 But he found sublimation 734 At a high elevation 735In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain! 736% 737A madam who ran a bordello 738Put come in her pineapple jello, 739 For the rich, sexy taste 740 And not wanting to waste 741That greasy kid stuff from a fellow. 742% 743A maestro directing in Rome 744Had a quaint way of driving it home. 745 Whoever he climbed 746 Had to keep her tail timed 747To the beat of his old metronome. 748% 749A maiden who lived in Virginny 750Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. 751 The horsey set rushed her, 752 But success finally crushed her 753For her tone soon became harsh and tinny. 754% 755A maiden who travelled in France 756Once got on a train, just by chance. 757 The engineer fucked her, 758 The conductor sucked her, 759And the fireman came in his pants. 760% 761A maiden who wrote of big cities 762Some songs full of love, fun and pities, 763 Sold her stuff at the shop 764 Of a musical wop 765Who played with her soft little titties. 766% 767A man was once heard to boast, 768That he received a parcel by post, 769 It contained, so we heard, 770 A magnificent turd, 771And the balls of his grandfather's ghost. 772% 773A marine being sent to Hong Kong 774Got a doctor to alter his dong. 775 He sailed off with a tool 776 Flat and thin as a rule - 777When he got there he found he was wrong. 778% 779A mathematician named Hall 780Had a hexhedronical ball, 781 And the square of its weight 782 Times his pecker's, plus eight, 783Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all. 784% 785A mathematician named Hall 786Has a hexahedronical ball, 787 And the cube of its weight 788 Times his pecker's, plus eight 789Is his phone number -- give him a call... 790% 791A mathematician named Klein 792Thought the Mobius band was divine. 793 Said he, "If you glue 794 The edges of two, 795You'll get a weird bottle like mine! 796% 797A middle-aged codger named Bruin 798Found his love life completely in ruin, 799 For he flirted with flirts 800 Wearing pants and no skirts, 801And he never got in for no screwin'. 802% 803A milkmaid there was, with a stutter, 804Who was lonely and wanted a futter. 805 She had nowhere to turn, 806 So she diddled a churn, 807And managed to come with the butter. 808% 809A mortician who practised in Fife 810Made love to the corpse of his wife. 811 "How could I know, Judge? 812 She was cold, did not budge-- 813Just the same as she'd acted in life." 814% 815A nasty old drunk in Carmel 816Thinks it funny to piss in the well. 817 He says, "Some don't favor 818 That unusual flavor, 819But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!" 820% 821A nervous young fellow named Fred 822Took a charming young widow to bed. 823 When he'd diddled a while 824 She remarked with a smile, 825"You've got it all in but the head." 826% 827A new dramatist of the absurd 828Has a voice that will shortly be heard. 829 I learn from my spies 830 He's about to devise 831An unprintable three-letter word. 832% 833A newlywed couple from Goshen 834Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. 835 In twenty-eight days 836 They got laid eighty ways -- 837Imagine such fucking devotion! 838% 839A newly-wed man of Peru 840Found himself in a terrible stew: 841 His wife was in bed 842 Much deader than dead, 843And so he had no one to screw. 844% 845A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst, 846In the pleasures of men was well-versed. 847 Reads the sign o'er the head 848 Of her well-rumpled bed 849"The customer always comes first." 850% 851A novice was told by the Abbot: 852"Consider the goat and the rabbit. 853 While they roll in the hay 854 You just stay home and pray. 855You've got to get out of that habit." 856% 857A nudist resort at Benares 858Took a midget in all unawares. 859 But he made members weep 860 For he just couldn't keep 861His nose out of private affairs. 862% 863A nurse motivated by spite 864Tied her infantine charge to a kite; 865 She launched it with ease 866 On the afternoon breeze, 867And watched till it flew out of sight. 868 -- Edward Gorey 869% 870A pansy who lived in Khartoum 871Took a lesbian up to his room. 872 They argued all night 873 Over who had the right 874To do what, with which, and to whom. 875% 876A passionate red-haired girl 877When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, 878 And her twat would get wet, 879 And would wiggle and fret, 880And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl. 881% 882A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux 883Fell in love with a dashing young beau. 884 To arrest his regard 885 She would squat in his yard 886And longingly pee in the sneaux. 887% 888A petulant man once said, "Pish, 889Your cunt is as big as a dish." 890 She replied, "Why, you fool, 891 With your limp little tool, 892It's like driving a pin with a fish." 893% 894A physical fellow named Fisk 895Could screw at a rate very brisk. 896 So fast was his action 897 The Fitzgerald contraction 898Would shrink up his rod to a disk. 899% 900A pious old woman named Tweak 901Had taught her vagina to speak. 902 It was frequently liable 903 To quote from the Bible, 904But when fucking -- not even a squeak! 905% 906A pious young lady named Finnegan 907Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again; 908 So time it aright, 909 Make it last through the night, 910For I certainly don't want to sin again!" 911% 912A pious young lady of Chichester 913Made all of the saints in their niches stir 914 And each morning at matin 915 Her breast in pink satin 916Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir. 917% 918A playful young chemist named Byrd 919Had an urge that could not be deferred. 920 So to irritate Knox 921 He shit in his sox, 922And plastered the walls with his turd. 923% 924A plumber whose name was John Brink 925Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. 926 Her resistance was stout, 927 And John Brink petered out, 928With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. 929% 930A potter who lived in Bombay 931Once fashioned a cunt out of clay; 932 But the heat of his prick 933 Kilned the damn thing to brick 934And chafed all his foreskin away. 935% 936A pretty wife living in Tours 937Demanded her daily amour. 938 But the husband said, "No! 939 It's to much. Let it go! 940My backsides are dragging the floor." 941% 942A pretty young boy known as Kevin 943Was raped in a pasture by seven 944 Lascivious beasts 945 (Oh, those Anglican priests) 946And such is the Kingdom of Heaven. 947% 948A pretty young lady named Vogel 949Once sat herself down on a molehill. 950 A curious mole 951 Nosed into her hole -- 952Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. 953% 954A pretty young lady named Vogel 955Once sat herself down on a molehill. 956 A curious mole 957 Nosed into her hole -- 958Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. 959% 960A pretty young lady named Vogel 961Once sat herself down on a molehill. 962 A curious mole 963 Nosed into her hole- 964Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. 965% 966A pretty young lady named Vogel 967Once sat herself down on a molehill. 968 A curious mole 969 Nosed into her hole -- 970Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. 971% 972A pretty young maiden from France 973Decided she'd "just take a chance." 974 She let herself go 975 For an hour or so, 976And now all her sisters are aunts. 977% 978A princess who lived near a bog 979Met a prince in the form of a frog. 980 Now she and her prince 981 Are the parents of quints, 982Four boys and one fine polliwog. 983% 984A princess who reigned in Baroda 985Made her home on a purple pagoda. 986 She festooned the walls 987 Of her halls with the balls 988And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'. 989% 990A programmer down in Moline 991Said, I'm the match for any machine. 992 My secret's aversion, 993 To loops and recursion, 994Just acres of in-line routine. 995 -- W.J. Wilson 996% 997A progressive professor named Winners 998Held classes each evening for sinners. 999 They were graded and spaced 1000 So the vile and debased 1001Would not be held back by beginners. 1002% 1003A rapist who reeked of cheap booze 1004Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes. 1005 She cried, "I suppose 1006 There's no time for my clothes, 1007But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!" 1008% 1009A rapturous young fellatrix 1010One day was at work on five pricks. 1011 With an unholy cry 1012 She whipped out her glass eye: 1013"Tell the boys I can now take on six." 1014% 1015A reckless young lady of France 1016Had no qualms about taking a chance, 1017 But she thought it was crude 1018 To get screwed in the nude, 1019So she always went home with damp pants. 1020% 1021A remarkable race are the Persians; 1022They have such peculiar diversions. 1023 They make love the whole day 1024 In the usual way 1025And save up the nights for perversions. 1026% 1027A remarkable race are the Persians, 1028They have such peculiar diversions. 1029 They screw the whole day 1030 In the regular way, 1031And save up the nights for perversions. 1032% 1033A responsive young girl from the East 1034In bed was an able artiste. 1035 She had learned two positions 1036 From family physicians, 1037And ten more from the old parish priest. 1038% 1039A romantic attraction has clung 1040To a chap of whom damsels have sung: 1041 "'Tis the Scourge from the East, 1042 That lascivious beast 1043Who was known as Attila the Hung!" 1044% 1045A sailor who slept in the sun, 1046Woke to find his fly buttons undone, 1047 He remarked with a smile, 1048 "Good grief, a sun-dial! 1049And now it's a quarter-past one." 1050% 1051A savvy young hooker named Gail 1052Got busted and lodged in the jail. 1053 But the jailer got hot, 1054 To be lodged in her twat, 1055And so Gail made the bail with her tail. 1056% 1057A scandal involving an oyster 1058Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister 1059 She preferred it, in bed, 1060 To the count (so she said) 1061'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister. 1062% 1063A scream from the crypt of St. Giles 1064Resounded for miles upon miles. 1065 Said the friar, "Good gracious, 1066 The brother Ignatious 1067Forgeteth the abbot hath piles." 1068% 1069A seafaring hacker named Slatey 1070Went to bed with a VAX/780. 1071 The thing's learned to swear 1072 With a nautical air, 1073And refers to its users as "matey". 1074% 1075A sex-loving coed named Bree 1076Caught the clap from her Apple IIE. 1077 The joystick, she found, 1078 Had been fooling around 1079With a neighboring student's PC. 1080% 1081A silly young man from Hong Kong 1082Had hands that were skinny and long. 1083 He ate rice with his fingers-- 1084 The taste of it lingers, 1085But now all his fingers are gone. 1086% 1087A slick talking pirate named Bruce 1088To steal code, had a plan to seduce 1089 An Apple II+. 1090 Now Bruce wears a truss 1091And was jailed for computer abuse. 1092% 1093A software technician from Digital 1094Had hardware extremely prodigical. 1095 It's rumoured, I hear, 1096 That when he was near 1097He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital. 1098% 1099A space shuttle pilot named Ventry, 1100Made love to a lovely girl sentry. 1101 She started to pout, 1102 Because it fell out, 1103But the mission was saved by re-entry. 1104% 1105A sperm faced, alack and forsooth, 1106His moment of sexual truth. 1107 He'd expected to fall 1108 On a womb's spongy wall 1109But was dashed to his death on a tooth. 1110% 1111A spinster in Kalamazoo 1112Once strolled after dark by the zoo. 1113 She was seized by the nape, 1114 And fucked by an ape, 1115And she murmured, "A wonderful screw." 1116 1117And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy, 1118But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry 1119 A man with a prick 1120 Half as stiff and as thick 1121As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry." 1122% 1123A spunky young schoolboy named Fred 1124Used totoss off each night while in bed. 1125 Said his mother, "Dear lad, 1126 That's exceedingly bad-- 1127Jump in here with your mamma instead." 1128% 1129A starship commander named Kirk 1130Emerged from his cabin berserk. 1131 He grabbed a girl yeoman 1132 Beneath the abdomen, 1133And gave her a physical jerk. 1134% 1135A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson, 1136Was having a captive, a person 1137 Who was not averse 1138 Though she had the curse, 1139And he'd breeches of bristling furs on. 1140% 1141A structured programmer named Drew 1142Was intensely turned on by "goto". 1143 When he saw it in code 1144 He'd shoot off his load. 1145It's a good thing his shop used so few. 1146% 1147A studious professor named Nestor 1148Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. 1149 But she drained out his balls 1150 And skipped up the walls, 1151Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her. 1152% 1153A sweetheart named Teresa Arden 1154Went down on her beau in the garden. 1155 He said, "Good lord, Tess, 1156 Don't swallow that mess " 1157And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" 1158% 1159A sweetheart named Teresa Arden 1160Went down on her beau in the garden. 1161 He said, "Good lord, Tess, 1162 Don't swallow that mess!" 1163And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" 1164% 1165A systems programmer named Sprotic 1166Found his software intensely erotic. 1167 In jealous distress 1168 He wiped his OS. 1169It's possible that he's psychotic. 1170% 1171A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, 1172Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. 1173 While the man detumesced 1174 She still spent on with zest, 1175Her rapture sheer anachronism. 1176% 1177A talented girl from Detroit 1178Could fuck you in ways quite adroit. 1179 She could squeeze her vagina 1180 To a pin-point or finer 1181Or open it out like a quoit. 1182% 1183A team playing baseball in Dallas 1184Called te umpire blind out of malice. 1185 While this worthy had fits 1186 The team made eight hits 1187And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 1188% 1189A team playing baseball in Dallas 1190Called the umpire blind out of malice. 1191 While this worthy had fits 1192 The team made eight hits 1193And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 1194% 1195A teenage protester named Lil 1196Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill 1197 First they bugged our martinis, 1198 Our bras and bikinis, 1199And now they are bugging the pill." 1200% 1201A thrice-married gal from L.A. 1202Said, "My hymen's intact to this day, 1203 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it, 1204 The voyeur only gawked at it, 1205And my most recent man's a gourmet." 1206% 1207A tidy young lady of Streator 1208Dearly loved to nibble a peter. 1209 She always would say, 1210 "I prefer it this way. 1211I think it is very much neater." 1212% 1213A timid young woman named Jane 1214Found parties a terrible strain; 1215 With movements uncertain 1216 She'd hide in a curtain 1217And make sounds like a rabbit in pain. 1218 -- Edward Gorey 1219% 1220A tired young trollop of Nome 1221Was worn out from her toes to her dome. 1222 Eight miners came screwing, 1223 But she said, "Nothing doing; 1224One of you has to go home!" 1225% 1226A trapper named Francois Lefebrve 1227Once captured and buggered a beabrve. 1228 The result of this fuck 1229 Was a three titted duck, 1230A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. 1231% 1232A tutor who tooted a flute 1233Tried to tutor two tutors to toot 1234 Said the two to the tutor: 1235 "Is it harder to toot or 1236To tutor two tutors to toot" 1237% 1238A vengeful technician named Schmitz 1239Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz. 1240 He covered the platter 1241 With bats' fecal matter. 1242Now it's seek time is really the pits. 1243% 1244A very intelligent turtle 1245Found programming UNIX a hurdle 1246 The system, you see, 1247 Ran as slow as did he, 1248And that's not saying much for the turtle. 1249% 1250A very odd pair are the Pitts: 1251His balls are as large as her tits, 1252 Her tits are as large 1253 As an invasion barge-- 1254Neither knows how the other cohabits. 1255% 1256A wanton young lady from Wimley 1257Reproached for not acting quite primly 1258 Said, "Heavens above! 1259 I know sex isn't love, 1260But it's such an entrancing facsimile." 1261% 1262A water pipe suited miss Hunt; 1263She used it for many a bunt. 1264 But the unlucky wench 1265 Got it caught in her trench --- 1266It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, 1267To get the thing out of her cunt. 1268% 1269A water pipe suited miss Hunt; 1270She used it for many a bunt. 1271 But the unlucky wench 1272 Got it caught in her trench --- 1273It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, 1274To get the thing out of her cunt. 1275% 1276A weary old lecher named Blott 1277Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. 1278 Too lazy to rape her, 1279 He made darts out of paper, 1280Which he leisurely tossed at her twat. 1281% 1282A whimsical fellow named Bloch 1283Could beat the base drum with his cock. 1284 With a special erection 1285 He could play a selection 1286From Johann Sebastian Bach. 1287% 1288A wicked stone cutter named Cary 1289Drilled holes in divine statuary. 1290 With eyes full of malice 1291 He pulled out his phallus, 1292And buggered a stone Virgin Mary. 1293% 1294A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket 1295Had a hole as big as a basket. 1296 A spot, as a bride, 1297 In it now, you could hide, 1298And include with your luggage your mascot. 1299% 1300A widow whose singular vice 1301Was to keep her late husband on ice 1302 Said, "It's been hard since I lost him -- 1303 I'll never defrost him! 1304Cold comfort, but cheap at the price." 1305% 1306A wonderful bird is the pelican. 1307His mouth can hold more than his belican. 1308 He can take in his beak 1309 Enough food for a week. 1310And I'm darned if I know how the helican. 1311% 1312A wonderful bird is the pelican. 1313His mouth can hold more than his belican. 1314 He can take in his beak 1315 Enough food for a week. 1316I'm darned if I know how the helican. 1317% 1318A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, 1319Renowned for the length of their peenies. 1320 The hair on their balls 1321 Sweeps the floors of their halls, 1322But they don't look at women, the meanies. 1323% 1324A wood-fetish busboy named Gable 1325Is rapid, is thorough, is able; 1326 But when everything's cleared, 1327 He gives way to the weird, 1328As he lovingly busses each table. 1329% 1330A worn-out young husband named Lehr 1331Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer: 1332 "Slip on a sheath, quick, 1333 Then slip your big dick 1334Between these lips covered with hair." 1335% 1336A worried young man from Stamboul 1337Discovered red spots on his tool. 1338 Said the doctor, a cynic, 1339 "Get out of my clinic 1340Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool." 1341% 1342A worried young man from Stamboul 1343Founds lots of red spots on his tool. 1344 Said the doctor, a cynic, 1345 "Get out of my clinic; 1346Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" 1347% 1348A young bride and groom of Australia 1349Remarked as they joined genitalia : 1350 "Though the system seems odd, 1351 We are thankful that God 1352Developed the genus Mammalia." 1353% 1354A young fellow discovered through Freud 1355That although of penis devoid, 1356 He could practice coitus 1357 By eating a foetus, 1358And his parents were quite overjoyed. 1359% 1360A young Juliet of St. Louis 1361On a balcony stood acting screwy. 1362 Her Romeo climbed, 1363 But he wasn't well timed, 1364And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! 1365% 1366A young lad named Lester McGraw 1367Caught a stranger on top of his Maw. 1368 As he watched him stick her 1369 He said, with a snicker, 1370"You do it much faster than Paw." 1371% 1372A young lady sat by the sea, 1373Just as proper as proper could be. 1374 A young fellow goosed her, 1375 And roughly seduced her, 1376So she thanked him and went home to tea. 1377% 1378A young lady who lived by the Usk 1379Subsisted each day on a rusk; 1380 She ate the first bite 1381 Before it was light, 1382And the last crumb sometime after dusk. 1383 -- Edward Gorey 1384% 1385A young lass got married at Chester; 1386Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. 1387 Said she, "You're in luck -- 1388 'E's a stunning good fuck, 1389For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester." 1390% 1391A young maiden from France was no prude, 1392She decided to dive in the nude, 1393 But her buddy, behind, 1394 Went out of his mind, 1395When he noticed where she was tatooed. 1396% 1397A young man by a girl was desired 1398To give her the thrills she required, 1399 But he died of old age 1400 Ere his cock could assuage 1401The volcanic desire it inspired. 1402% 1403A young man from the banks of the Po 1404Found his cock had elongated so, 1405 That when he'd pee 1406 It was never he 1407But only his neighbors who'd know. 1408% 1409A young man grew increasingly peaky 1410In a house where the hinges were squeaky, 1411 The ferns curled up brown, 1412 The ceilings flaked down, 1413And all of the faucets were leaky. 1414 -- Edward Gorey 1415% 1416A young man maintained that his trigger 1417Was so big that there weren't any bigger. 1418 But this long and thick pud 1419 Was so heavy it could 1420Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor. 1421% 1422A young man of acumen and daring, 1423Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring, 1424 Was left quite alone 1425 When it soon became known 1426That their use at his board was unsparing. 1427 -- Edward Gorey 1428% 1429A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll 1430While bent over plucking a dingle 1431 Had the whole of Eisteddfod 1432 Taking turns at his pod 1433While they sang some impossible jingle. 1434% 1435A young man with passions quite gingery 1436Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. 1437 He slapped her behind 1438 And made up his mind 1439To add incest to insult and injury. 1440% 1441A young polo-player of Berkeley 1442Made love to his sweetheart beserkly. 1443 In the midst of each chukker 1444 He would break off and fuck her 1445Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. 1446% 1447A young systems programmer of Sprotic 1448Found his software intensely erotic. 1449 In jealous distress 1450 He wiped his OS. 1451It's possible that he's a psychotic. 1452% 1453A young violinist from Rio 1454Was seducing a woman named Cleo. 1455 As she took down her panties 1456 She said, "No andantes; 1457I want this allegro con brio!" 1458% 1459A young wife in the outskirts of Reims 1460Preferred frigging to going to mass. 1461 Said her husband, "Take Jacques, 1462 Or any young cock, 1463For I cannot live up to your ass." 1464% 1465A young woman got married at Chester, 1466Her mother she kissed her and blessed her. 1467 Says she, "You're in luck, 1468 He's a stunning good fuck, 1469For I've had him myself down in Leicester." 1470% 1471According to experts, the oyster 1472In its shell - a crustacean cloister - 1473 May frequently be 1474 Either he or a she 1475Or both, if it should be its choice ter. 1476% 1477Alas for the Countess d'Isere, 1478Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair. 1479 Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!" 1480 When he parted her thighs; 1481"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre." 1482% 1483All the female apes ran from King Kong 1484For his dong was unspeakably long. 1485 But a friendly giraffe 1486 Quaffed his yard and a half, 1487And ecstatically burst into song. 1488% 1489An aesthete from South Carolina 1490Had a cock that tickled like China, 1491 But while shooting his load 1492 It cracked like old Spode, 1493So he's bought him a Steuben vagina. 1494% 1495An agreeable girl named Miss Doves 1496Likes to jack off the young men she loves. 1497 She will use her bare fist 1498 If the fellows insist 1499But she really prefers to wear gloves. 1500% 1501An AI researcher named Bluth 1502Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, 1503 Eroticon VI, 1504 Which he taught certain tricks 1505Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth. 1506% 1507An amazon giantess named Dunne 1508Let a midget screw her for fun. 1509 But the poor little runt 1510 Was engulfed in her cunt 1511And re-born as the twin of his son. 1512% 1513An ambitious lady named Harriet 1514Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot 1515 By seventeen sailors 1516 A monk and three tailors, 1517Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. 1518% 1519An anonymous woman we knew 1520Was dozing one day in her pew; 1521 When the preacher yelled "Sin!" 1522 She said, "Count me in 1523As soon as the service is through." 1524% 1525An architect fellow named Yoric 1526Could, when feeling euphoric, 1527 Display for selection 1528 Three kinds of erection- 1529Corinthian, ionic, and doric. 1530% 1531An architect fellow named Yoric 1532Could, when feeling euphoric, 1533 Display for selection 1534 Three kinds of erection- 1535Corinthian,ionic,and doric. 1536% 1537An ardent young man named Magruder 1538Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. 1539 She thought it quite lewd 1540 To be wooed in the nude, 1541But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. 1542% 1543An Argentine gaucho named Bruno 1544Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. 1545 Women are fine 1546 And sheep are divine 1547But llamas are numero uno." 1548% 1549An ARPAnaut name of Corvette 1550Had a fetish involving the net. 1551 As he fondled his IMP 1552 His cock went from limp 1553To as hard as concrete which has set. 1554% 1555An arrogant wench from Salt Lake 1556Liked to tease all the boys on the make. 1557 She was finally the prize 1558 Of a man twice her size 1559And all she recalls is the ache. 1560% 1561An artist who lived in Australia 1562Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. 1563 The drawing was fine, 1564 The colour - devine, 1565The scent - ah, that was a failia. 1566% 1567An artist who lived in Australia 1568Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. 1569 The drawing was fine, 1570 The colour - divine, 1571The scent - ah, that was a failia. 1572% 1573An eager young hacker named Gus 1574Once buggered a VAX Unibus. 1575 The hardware went bad, 1576 But not the young lad 1577(Except for the toupee and truss). 1578% 1579An eager young hacker named Gus 1580Once buggered a VAX Unibus. 1581 The hardware went bad, 1582 But not the young lad 1583He didn't expect all that fuss! 1584% 1585An Edwardian father named Udgeon, 1586Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon, 1587 Used on Saturday nights 1588 To turn down the lights, 1589And chase them around with a bludgeon. 1590 -- Edward Gorey 1591% 1592An envious girl named McMeanus 1593Was jealous of her lover's big penis. 1594 It was small consolation 1595 That the rest of the nation 1596Of women were with her in weeness. 1597% 1598An exotic young lady named Suki 1599Once danced in a troupe of kabuki 1600 When asked for a fuck 1601 She said, "Solly, no luck-- 1602See here: looky looky, no nuki " 1603% 1604An impish young fellow named James 1605Had a passion for idiot games. 1606 He lighted the hair 1607 Of his lady's affair 1608And laughed as she pissed through the flames. 1609% 1610An impotent Scot named MacDougall 1611Had to husband his sperm and be frugal. 1612 He was gathering semen 1613 To gender a he-man, 1614By screwing his wife through a bugle. 1615% 1616An incautious young woman named Venn 1617Was seen with the wrong sort of men; 1618 She vanished one day, 1619 But the following May 1620Her legs were retrieved from a fen. 1621 -- Edward Gorey 1622% 1623An indefatigable woman named Bavel 1624Had often occasion to travel; 1625 On the way she would sit 1626 And furiously knit, 1627And on the way back she'd unravel. 1628 -- Edward Gorey 1629% 1630An ingenious young man in South Bend 1631Made a synthetic ass for a friend, 1632 But the friend shortly found 1633 Its construction unsound, 1634It was simply a bother -- no end. 1635% 1636An innocent maiden named Herridge 1637Was cruelly tricked ito marriage; 1638 When she later found out 1639 What her spouse was about, 1640She threw herself under a carriage. 1641 -- Edward Gorey 1642% 1643An inquisitive virgin named Dora 1644Asked the man who started to bore 'er : 1645 "Do you mean birds and bees 1646 Go through antics like these, 1647To suppy us our fauna and flora?" 1648% 1649An irate young lady named Booker 1650Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker! 1651 If you want it queer ways, 1652 Go to whores for your lays!" 1653So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er. 1654% 1655An octagenerian Jew 1656To his wife remained steadfastly true. 1657 This was not from compunction, 1658 But due to dysfunction 1659Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you. 1660% 1661An old couple just at Shrovetide 1662Were having a piece -- when he died. 1663 The wife for a week 1664 Sat tight on his peak, 1665And bounced up and down as she cried. 1666% 1667An old electronic designer 1668Had designs on a minor named Dinah. 1669 He couldn't carry them out 1670 For his prick was too stout, 1671And too small was the minor's vagina. 1672% 1673An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings 1674Were a terrible trial to his siblings, 1675 But he was not removed 1676 Till one day it was proved 1677That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings. 1678 -- Edward Gorey 1679% 1680An old maid who had a pet ape 1681Lived in fear of perpetual rape. 1682 His red, hairy phallus 1683 So filled her with malice 1684That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape. 1685% 1686An old man at the Folies Bergere 1687Had a jock, a most wondrous affair: 1688 It snipped off a twat-curl 1689 From each new chorus girl, 1690And he had a wig made of the hair. 1691% 1692An organist playing in York 1693Had a prick that could hold a small fork, 1694 And between obbligatos 1695 He'd munch at tomatoes, 1696To keep up his strength while at work. 1697% 1698An orgasmic young sex star named Sue 1699Was a hit as she writhed to a screw. 1700 Her climatic fame spread 1701 With an ad blitz that said: 1702Coming soon at a theater near you! 1703% 1704An uptight young lady named Breerley 1705Who valued her morals too dearly 1706 Had sex, so I hear, 1707 Only once every year, 1708And she strained her vagina severely. 1709% 1710And earnest young woman in Thrace 1711Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!" 1712 So he gave her a thwack, 1713 And did on her back, 1714What he couldn't have done face to face. 1715% 1716And then there's the story that's fraught 1717With disaster -- of balls that got caught, 1718 When a chap took a crap 1719 In the woods, and a trap 1720Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought! 1721% 1722As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops 1723Is a kinky old butcher named Pops. 1724 Since he thinks it's effete 1725 To be beating his meat, 1726What he's into is licking his chops. 1727% 1728As he came in his chubby choirboy, 1729Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy! 1730 If no sodomy levens 1731 And possible heavens, 1732Existence will merely annoy." 1733% 1734As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks, 1735Its occupant cried, "Save my socks! 1736 I could not bear the loss, 1737 For with scarlet silk floss 1738My mama has embroidered their clocks." 1739 -- Edward Gorey 1740% 1741As tourists inspected the apse 1742An ominous series of raps 1743 Came from under the altar, 1744 Which caused some to falter 1745And others to shriek and collapse. 1746 -- Edward Gorey 1747% 1748Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff, 1749"Do I sin if I do what I want, if 1750 I screw a young nun 1751 In the eastertide sun?" 1752His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff." 1753% 1754At a contest for farting in Butte 1755One lady's exertion was cute : 1756 It won the diploma 1757 For fetid aroma, 1758And three judges were felled by the brute. 1759% 1760At a dance, a girl from Connecticut 1761Showed an absolute absence of etiquette 1762 Letting all comers press 1763 Through the skirt of her dress 1764And wiping the mess with her petticoat. 1765% 1766At the end of all civilization 1767Is the planet Terminus's location. 1768 There's a girl there whose feat, 1769 Without stone or concrete, 1770Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation. 1771% 1772At the moment Japan declared war 1773A sailor was fucking a whore. 1774 He said, "After this poke 1775 `Long and hard' ain't no joke; 1776This means months 'til I get back ashore." 1777% 1778At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers 1779Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers; 1780 It beats all night long 1781 A dirge on a gong 1782As it staggers about in the creepers. 1783 -- Edward Gorey 1784% 1785At Vassar, sex isn't injurious, 1786Though of love we are never penurious. 1787 Thanks to vulcanized aids, 1788 Though we may die old maids, 1789At least we shall never die curious. 1790% 1791At whist drives and strawberry teas 1792Fan would giggle and show off her knees; 1793 But when she was alone 1794 She'd drink eau de cologne, 1795And weep from a sense of unease. 1796 -- Edward Gorey 1797% 1798Augustus, for slpashing his soup, 1799Was put for the night on the stoop; 1800 In the morning he'd not 1801 Repented a jot, 1802And next day he was dead of the croup. 1803 -- Edward Gorey 1804% 1805Augustus, for splashing his soup, 1806Was put for the night on the stoop; 1807 In the morning he'd not 1808 Repented a jot, 1809And next day he was dead of the croup. 1810 -- Edward Gorey 1811% 1812Back in the days of old Adam 1813The grass served as mattress for madam, 1814 And they spent the whole day 1815 On the sex that today 1816They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em. 1817% 1818Each Friday his engines abort, 1819But Scotty is never caught short. 1820 He fills his machines 1821 With space-navy beans, 1822And farts the ship back into port. 1823% 1824Each night Father fills me with dread 1825When he sits on the foot of my bed; 1826 I'd not mind that he speaks 1827 In gibbers and squeaks, 1828But for the seventeen years he's been dead. 1829 -- Edward Gorey 1830% 1831Each night Father fills me with dread 1832When he sits on the foot ofmy bed; 1833 I'd not mind that he speaks 1834 In gibbers and squeaks, 1835But for the seventeen years he's been dead. 1836 -- Edward Gorey 1837% 1838From deep in the crypt at St. Giles 1839Came a bellow that echoed for miles. 1840 Said the rector, "My gracious, 1841 Has Father Ignatius 1842Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?" 1843% 1844From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, 1845There is really abominable news; 1846 They've discovered a head 1847 In the box for the bread, 1848But nobody seems to know whose. 1849 -- Edward Gorey 1850% 1851From the bathing machine came a din 1852As of jollification within; 1853 It was heard far and wide, 1854 And the incoming tide 1855Had a definite flavour of gin. 1856 -- Edward Gorey 1857% 1858"Fucked by the finger of Fate!" 1859Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. 1860 "Since dating Miss Baugh, 1861 My whole tongue has been raw-- 1862It must have been something I ate." 1863% 1864In the case of a lady named Frost, 1865Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, 1866 It's the best part of valor 1867 To bugger the gal, or 1868You're apt to fall in and get lost. 1869% 1870In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, 1871Complacently stroking his madam, 1872 And loud was his mirth 1873 For on all of the earth 1874There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. 1875% 1876In the garden of Eden lay Adam, 1877Complacently stroking his madam 1878 And loud was his mirth 1879 For on all of the earth 1880There were only two balls and he had'em. 1881% 1882In the little French town of Le'Beau, 1883Lived a maiden exceedingly droll. 1884 At a masquerade ball, 1885 Clad in nothing at all, 1886She backed in as a Parker house roll. 1887% 1888It always delights me at Hank's 1889To walk up the old river banks. 1890 One time in the grass 1891 I stepped on an ass, 1892And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." 1893% 1894It had snowed, and the man in the drift, 1895Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" 1896 They sat in her Bentley, 1897 She fondled him gently, 1898And the lift that he'd asked for was swift! 1899% 1900The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- 1901No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. 1902 Where ten thousand virgins 1903 Succumbed to his urgin's 1904There now stands the great State of Utah. 1905% 1906The latest reports from Good Hope 1907State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, 1908 And fuck high, wide, and free, 1909 From the top of one tree 1910To the top of the next -- what a scope! 1911% 1912The limerick, a verse form iniquitous, 1913Has nonetheless been ubiquitous. 1914 Once Congress in session, 1915 Declared its suppression, 1916But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter. 1917% 1918The limerick is furtive and mean; 1919You must keep her in close quarantine, 1920 Or she sneaks to the slums 1921 And promptly becomes 1922Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. 1923 -- Morris Bishop 1924% 1925The limerick is furtive and mean; 1926You must keep her in close quarantine, 1927 Or she sneaks to the slums 1928 And promptly becomes 1929Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. 1930 -- Morris Bishop 1931% 1932The old archeologist, Throstle, 1933Discovered a marvelous fossil. 1934 He knew from its bend 1935 And the knot on the end, 1936T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. 1937% 1938There a young man from the Coast 1939Who had an affair with a ghost. 1940 At the height of orgasm 1941 Said the pallid phantasm, 1942"I think I can feel it -- almost!" 1943% 1944There once was a bishop from Birmingham 1945Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em. 1946 As they knelt on the hassock 1947 He lifted his cassock 1948And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em. 1949% 1950There once was a boy named Carruthers 1951Who was busily fucking his mother 1952 "I know it's a sin," 1953 He said, shoving it in, 1954"But it's better than blowing my brother." 1955% 1956There once was a chick named Longet, 1957Who went out to Aspen to play. 1958 Along came a Spyder, 1959 Who sat down beside her 1960And she blew the poor bastard away. 1961% 1962There once was a clergyman's daughter 1963Who detested the pony he bought her, 1964 Till she found that its dong 1965 Was as hard and as long 1966As the prayers her father had taught her. 1967 1968She married a fellow named Tony 1969Who soon found her fucking the pony. 1970 Said he, "What's it got, 1971 My dear, that I've not?" 1972Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." 1973% 1974There once was a couple named Kelley, 1975Who lived their life belly to belly. 1976 Because in their haste 1977 They used library paste, 1978Instead of petroleum jelly. 1979% 1980There once was a couple named Kelly 1981Who walked around belly-to-belly. 1982 It seems in their haste, 1983 They used Carter's paste 1984Instead of petroleum jelly. 1985% 1986There once was a dentist named Stone 1987Who saw all his patients alone. 1988 In a fit of depravity 1989 He filled the wrong cavity, 1990And my, how his practice has grown! 1991% 1992There once was a Duchess of Beever 1993Who slept with her golden retriever. 1994 Said the potted old Duke : 1995 "Such tricks make me puke! 1996Were it not for her money, I'd leave her." 1997% 1998There once was a Duchess of Bruges 1999Whose cunt was incredibly huge. 2000 Said the king to this dame 2001 As he thunderously came: 2002"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" 2003% 2004There once was a fag of Khartoom 2005Who spent the night in a Lesbians room. 2006 They argued all night, 2007 Over who had the right, 2008To do what, and with which, and to whom. 2009% 2010There once was a fairy named Avers 2011Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. 2012 Though buggers all claimed 2013 That their asses were maimed, 2014Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors. 2015% 2016There once was a fellow named Bob 2017Who in sexual ways was a snob. 2018 One day he was swimmin' 2019 With twelve naked women 2020And deserted them all for a gob. 2021% 2022There once was a fellow named Brewster 2023Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, 2024 "It used to be grand 2025 But look at my hand 2026You're not wiping as clean as ya uster." 2027% 2028There once was a fellow named Howard, 2029Whose tool it was nuclear-powered, 2030 While grabbing some ass, 2031 He reached critical mass, 2032But think of the girl he deflowered! 2033% 2034There once was a fellow named Potts 2035Who was prone to having the trots 2036 But his humble abode 2037 Was without a commode 2038So his carpet was covered with spots. 2039% 2040There once was a fellow named Siegel 2041Who attempted to bugger a beagle, 2042 But the mettlesome bitch 2043 Turned and said with a twitch, 2044"It's fun, but you know it's illegal." 2045% 2046There once was a fellow named Sweeney 2047Who spilled gin all over his weenie. 2048 Not being uncouth, 2049 He added vermouth 2050And slipped his amour a martini. 2051% 2052There once was a fencer named Fisk, 2053Whose speed was incredibly brisk. 2054 So fast was his action, 2055 The Fitzgerald contraction, 2056Foreshortended his foil to a disk. 2057% 2058There once was a fiesty young terrier 2059Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. 2060 He'd yip and he'd yap, 2061 Then leap up and snap; 2062And the fairer the derriere the merrier. 2063% 2064There once was a floozie named Annie 2065Whose prices were cosy--but cannie: 2066 A buck for a fuck, 2067 Fifty cents for a suck, 2068And a dime for a feel of her fanny. 2069% 2070There once was a freshman named Lin, 2071Whose tool was as thin as a pin, 2072 A virgin named Joan 2073 From a bible belt home, 2074Said "This won't be much of a sin." 2075% 2076There once was a gangster named Brown 2077- the sneakiest bastard in town. 2078 He was caught by G-men 2079 Shooting his semen 2080Where the cops would slip and fall down. 2081% 2082There once was a gaucho named Bruno, 2083Who said, "About sex, well, I do know, 2084 Sheep are just fine, 2085 Chickens, divine, 2086But iguanas are Numero Uno." 2087% 2088There once was a gay young Parisian 2089Who screwed an appendix incision, 2090 And the girl of his choice 2091 Could hardly rejoice 2092At the horrible lack of precision. 2093% 2094There once was a girl from Cornell 2095Whose teats were shaped like a bell. 2096 When you touched them they shrunk, 2097 Except when she was drunk, 2098And then they got bigger than hell. 2099% 2100There once was a girl from Decatur, 2101Who got laid by a big alligator. 2102 Now nobody knew 2103 The result of that screw, 2104'Cause after he laid her, he ate her. 2105% 2106There once was a girl from Madras 2107Who had such a beautiful ass - 2108 It was not round and pink 2109 ( as you bastards think ) 2110But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. 2111% 2112There once was a girl from Madras 2113Who had such a beautiful ass - 2114 It was not round and pink 2115 (As you bastards think) 2116But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. 2117% 2118There once was a girl from Spokane, 2119Went to bed with a one-legged man. 2120 She said, "I know you-- 2121 You've really got two! 2122Why didn't you say so when we began?" 2123% 2124There once was a girl named Irene 2125Who lived on distilled kerosene 2126 But she started absorbin' 2127 A new hydrocarbon 2128And since then has never benzene. 2129% 2130There once was a girl named Louise 2131Who cunt hair hung down to her knees 2132 The crabs in her twat 2133 Tied the hairs in a knot 2134And constructed a flying trapeze 2135% 2136There once was a girl named Mcgoffin 2137Who was diddled amazingly often. 2138 She was rogered by scores 2139 Who'd been turned down by whores, 2140And was finally screwed in her coffin. 2141% 2142There once was a girl named Priscilla 2143Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. 2144 The taste was so fine 2145 Man and beast stood in line 2146(Including a stud armadilla). 2147% 2148There once was a girl so lovely, 2149Who wanted to make love in the bubbly, 2150 She strapped on her tanks, 2151 And started her pranks, 2152But the lobsters all thought she was ugly. 2153% 2154There once was a golfer named Leer, 2155Who got put in the clink for a year, 2156 For an action obscene, 2157 On the very first green. 2158Where the sign said "Enter course here." 2159% 2160There once was a gouty old colonel 2161Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, 2162 And he cried in his tiffin 2163 For his prick wouldn't stiffen, 2164And the size of the thing was infernal. 2165% 2166There once was a guardsman from Buckingham 2167Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em. 2168 But when I meet boys, 2169 God! how I enjoys 2170Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em." 2171% 2172There once was a hacker named Ken 2173Who inherited truckloads of Yen. 2174 So he built him some chicks, 2175 Of silicon chips, 2176And hasn't been heard from since then. 2177% 2178There once was a handsome young seaman 2179Who with ladies was really a demon. 2180 In peace or in war, 2181 At sea or on shore, 2182He could certainly dish out the semen. 2183% 2184There once was a horny old bitch 2185With a motorized self-frigger which 2186 She would use with delight 2187 All day long and all night - 2188Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch. 2189% 2190There once was a horse named Lily 2191Whose dingus was really a dilly. 2192 It was vaginoid duply, 2193 And labial quadruply -- 2194In fact, he was really a filly. 2195% 2196There once was a husky young Viking 2197Whose sexual prowess was striking. 2198 Every time he got hot 2199 He would scour the twat 2200Of some girl that might be to his liking. 2201% 2202There once was a jolly old bloke 2203Who picked up a girl for a poke. 2204 He took down her pants, 2205 Fucked her into a trance, 2206And then shit into her shoe for a joke. 2207% 2208There once was a kiddie named Carr 2209Caught a man on top of his mar. 2210 As he saw him stick 'er, 2211 He said with a snicker, 2212"You do it much faster than par." 2213% 2214There once was a lady from Exeter, 2215So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 2216 One was even so brave 2217 As to take out and wave 2218The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 2219% 2220There once was a lady from Kansas 2221Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. 2222 It was nine inches deep 2223 And the sides were quite steep -- 2224It had whiskers like General Carranza's. 2225% 2226There once was a lady named Carter, 2227Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. 2228 She stripped off his pants, 2229 At his prick quickly glanced, 2230And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" 2231% 2232There once was a lady named Clair, 2233Who posessed a magnificent pair. 2234 Or that's what I thought, 2235 Till I saw one get caught, 2236On a thorn and begin losing air. 2237% 2238There once was a lady named Myrtle 2239Who had an affair with a turtle. 2240 She had crabs, so they say, 2241 In a year and a day 2242Which proved that that turtle was fertile. 2243% 2244There once was a lawyer named Rex 2245With minuscule organs of sex. 2246 Arraigned for exposure, 2247 He maintained with composure, 2248"De minimis non curat lex." 2249 2250 [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.] 2251% 2252There once was a lifeguard named Lee 2253Who rescued a girl from the sea 2254 She asked how to pay, 2255 And he said "Try this way, 2256Go down for the third time on me." 2257% 2258There once was a maid from Mobile 2259Whose cunt was made of blue steel. 2260 She only got thrills 2261 From pneumatic drills 2262And an off-centered emery wheel. 2263% 2264There once was a man from Bombay 2265He would do it all night and all day 2266 He soon became sore 2267 You shoulda' heard him roar 2268When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay! 2269% 2270There once was a man from Calcutta 2271Who used to beat off in the gutta 2272 The heat of the sun 2273 Affected his gun 2274And turned all his cream into butta! 2275% 2276There once was a man from Dunoon, 2277Who always ate soup with a fork. 2278 He said "When I eat 2279 Either fish, foul or flesh, 2280I otherwise finish too quick." 2281% 2282There once was a man from Exameter 2283Who had a prodigious diameter 2284 But it wasn't the size 2285 That brought forth the cries 2286'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter. 2287% 2288There once was a man from Madras, 2289Whose balls were made out of brass. 2290 When they clanged together, 2291 They played "Stormy Weather", 2292And lightning shot out of his ass. 2293% 2294There once was a man from Nantee 2295Who buggered an ape in a tree. 2296 The results were most horrid 2297 All ass and no forehead 2298Three balls and a purple goatee. 2299% 2300There once was a man from Nantucket 2301Who kept all his cash in a bucket. 2302 His daughter, named Nan, 2303 Ran away with a man, 2304And as for the bucket, Nantucket. 2305 2306The pair of them went to Manhasset, 2307(Nan and the man with the asset.) 2308 Pa followed them there, 2309 But they left in a tear, 2310And as for the asset, Manhasset. 2311 2312Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, 2313(Nan and the man with the bucket.) 2314 Pa said to the man, 2315 "You're welcome to Nan." 2316But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. 2317% 2318There once was a man from Nantucket, 2319Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 2320 He said with a grin, 2321 As he wiped off his chin, 2322If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! 2323% 2324There once was a man from Nantucket 2325Whose dick was so long he could suck it. 2326 He said with a grin 2327 As he wiped off his chin, 2328"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." 2329% 2330There once was a man from Racine, 2331Who invented a screwing machine. 2332 Both concave and convex, 2333 It could please either sex, 2334But, oh, what a bastard to clean! 2335% 2336There once was a man from Sandem 2337Who was making his girl on a tandem. 2338 At the peak of the make 2339 She jammed on the brake 2340And scattered his semen at random. 2341% 2342There once was a man from Sydney 2343Who could put it up to her kidney. 2344 But the man from Quebec 2345 Put it up to her neck; 2346He had a big one, now didn't he? 2347% 2348There once was a man named Lodge, 2349who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 2350 When his date was strapped in, 2351 He committed a sin, 2352without ever leaving the garage. 2353% 2354There once was a man named McGruder, 2355Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. 2356 But the girl thought it crude, 2357 To be wooed in the nude, 2358So McGru took an oar and subduder. 2359% 2360There once was a man named McSweeny 2361Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney 2362 So just to be couth 2363 He added vermouth 2364And slipped his best girl a martini. 2365% 2366There once was a man named McSweeny 2367Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny. 2368 Just to be couth, 2369 He added vermouth, 2370And slipped his girlfriend a martini. 2371% 2372There once was a man named Parridge 2373With peculiar views on marriage. 2374 He sucked off his brother, 2375 Fucked his own mother, 2376And gobbled his sister's miscarriage. 2377% 2378There once was a man with a hernia 2379Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya, 2380 When you work on my middle 2381 Be sure you don't fiddle 2382With things that do not concern ya." 2383% 2384There once was a member of Mensa 2385Who was a most excellent fencer. 2386 The sword that he used 2387 Was his -- (line is refused, 2388And has now been removed by the censor). 2389% 2390There once was a miner named Dave, 2391Who kept a dead whore in his cave. 2392 She was ugly as shit, 2393 And missing one tit, 2394But think of the money he saves. 2395% 2396There once was a monk of Camyre 2397Who was seized with a carnal desire 2398 And the primary cause 2399 Was the abbess's drawers 2400Which were hung up to dry by the fire. 2401% 2402There once was a newspaper vendor, 2403A person of dubious gender. 2404 He would charge one-and-two 2405 For permission to view 2406His remarkable double pudenda. 2407% 2408There once was a plumber from Leigh 2409Who was plumbing his maid by the sea. 2410 Said she, "Please stop plumbing, 2411 I think someone's coming!" 2412Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me." 2413% 2414There once was a pretty young Mrs. 2415Whose tearful but short story thrs. 2416 Her mind lost its grasp - 2417 Now she thinks she's an asp 2418And just sits in the corner and hrs. 2419% 2420There once was a queen of Bulgaria 2421Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, 2422 Till a prince from Peru 2423 Who came up for a screw 2424Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. 2425% 2426There once was a reverend at Kings 2427Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things. 2428 But his heart was on fire 2429 For a boy in the choir 2430Whose buns were like jelly on springs. 2431% 2432There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel 2433Who said, "They can all go to hell! 2434 What they do to my wife -- 2435 Why it ruins my life; 2436And the worst is they all do it well." 2437% 2438There once was a sailor named Gasted, 2439A swell guy, as long as he lasted, 2440 He could jerk himself off 2441 In a basket, aloft, 2442Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. 2443% 2444There once was a Scot named McAmeter 2445With a tool of prodigious diameter. 2446 It was not the size 2447 That cause such surprise; 2448'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. 2449% 2450There once was a son-of-a-bitch, 2451Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, 2452 Yet the girls he would dazzle, 2453 And fuck to a frazzle, 2454And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! 2455% 2456There once was a spaceman named Spock 2457Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. 2458 A girl from Missouri 2459 Whose name was Uhura 2460Just fainted away from the shock. 2461% 2462There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, 2463Discovered his sex life was hapless: 2464 The more he would screw 2465 The more he'd want to, 2466And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. 2467% 2468There once was a Usenetter named Mark, 2469Whose gender was kept in the dark. 2470 He/she/it said with a nod, 2471 "My ancestors were odd!" 2472Did Noah need two for the ark? 2473% 2474There once was a whore from Regina 2475Who had a stupendous vagina. 2476 To save herself time, 2477 She had six at a time, 2478And another one working behind her. 2479% 2480There once was a woman from Arden 2481Who sucked off a man in a garden. 2482 He said, "My dear Flo, 2483 Where does all that stuff go?" 2484And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?" 2485% 2486There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield 2487Engaged to look after the deacon's field, 2488 But he lurked in the ditches 2489 And diddled the bitches 2490Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. 2491% 2492There once was a young fellow named Blaine, 2493And he screwed some disgusting old jane. 2494 She was ugly and smelly, 2495 With an awful pot-belly, 2496But... well, they were caught in the rain. 2497% 2498There once was a young girl from Natches 2499Who chanced to be born with two snatches 2500 She often said, "Shit! 2501 I'd give either tit 2502For a guy with equipment that matches." 2503% 2504There once was a young man from Boston 2505Who drove around town in an Austin, 2506 There was room for his ass, 2507 And a gallon of gas, 2508So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em. 2509% 2510There once was a young man from France 2511Who waited ten years for his chance; 2512Then he muffed it... 2513% 2514There once was a young man from Yuma 2515Who attempted sex with a puma 2516 He gave up real quick 2517 Minus nose, toes, and prick 2518In obvious pain and ill huma. 2519% 2520There once was a young man from Yuma, 2521Who told an elephant joke to a puma. 2522 Now his dry bleached bones lie, 2523 Under hot Asian skies, 2524'Cause the puma had no sense of huma. 2525% 2526There once was a young man named Clyde 2527Who fell in an outhouse, and died. 2528 He had a twin brother 2529 Who fell in another 2530And now they're interred side by side. 2531% 2532There once was a young man named Gene, 2533Who invented a screwing machine. 2534 Concave and convex, 2535 It served either sex, 2536And it played with itself inbetween. 2537% 2538There once was a young man named Lancelot 2539Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot 2540 For when he should pass 2541 A desirable lass 2542The front of his pants would advance a lot. 2543% 2544There once was an Arpanet freak, 2545Who better response-time did seek. 2546 He searched coast to coast, 2547 For a reliable host, 2548Whose logger took less than a week. 2549% 2550There once was an old man from Esser, 2551Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. 2552 It at last grew so small, 2553 He knew nothing at all, 2554And now he's a College Professor. 2555% 2556There once were two brothers named Luntz 2557Who buggered each other at once. 2558 When asked to account 2559 For this intricate mount, 2560They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." 2561% 2562There once were two women from Birmingham. 2563And this is the story concerning 'em. 2564 They lifted the frock 2565 And fondled the cock 2566Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em. 2567% 2568There was a bluestocking in Florence 2569Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, 2570 Till a Spanish grandee, 2571 Got her off with his knee, 2572And she burned all her works with abhorrence. 2573% 2574There was a family named Doe, 2575An ideal family to know. 2576 As father screwed mother, 2577 She said, "You're heavier than brother." 2578And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" 2579% 2580There was a fat lady of China 2581Who'd a really enormous vagina, 2582 And when she was dead 2583 They painted it red, 2584And used it for docking a liner. 2585% 2586There was a fat man from Rangoon 2587Whose prick was much like a ballon. 2588 He tried hard to ride her 2589 And when finally inside her 2590She thought she was pregnant too soon. 2591% 2592There was a gay countess of Bray, 2593And you may think it odd when I say, 2594 That in spite of high station, 2595 Rank and education, 2596She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. 2597% 2598There was a gay countess of Bray, 2599And you may think it odd when I say, 2600 That in spite of high station, 2601 Rank and education, 2602She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. 2603% 2604There was a gay dog from Ontario 2605Who fancied himself a Lothario. 2606 At a wench's glance 2607 He'd snatch off his pants 2608And make for her Mons Venerio. 2609% 2610There was a gay parson of Norton 2611Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. 2612 To make up for this loss, 2613 He had balls like a horse, 2614And never spent less than a quartern. 2615% 2616There was a gay parson of Tooting 2617Whose roe he was frequently shooting, 2618 Till he married a lass 2619 With a face like my arse, 2620And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. 2621% 2622There was a girl from Aberystwyth 2623Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with. 2624 The miller's son Jack 2625 Laid her flat on her back 2626And united the organs they pissed with. 2627% 2628There was a lewd fellow named Duff 2629Who loved to dive deep in the muff. 2630 With his head in a whirl 2631 He said, "Spread it, Pearl; 2632I cunt get enough of the stuff!" 2633% 2634There was a man from Mich. 2635Who used to wish and wich. 2636 That spring would come 2637 So he could bum 2638Around and go out fich. 2639% 2640There was a pianist named Liszt 2641Who played with one hand while he pissed, 2642 But as he grew older 2643 His technique grew bolder, 2644And in concert jacked off with his fist. 2645% 2646There was a poor parson from Goring, 2647Who made a small hole in his flooring, 2648 Fur-lined it all round, 2649 Then laid on the ground, 2650And declared it was cheaper than whoring. 2651% 2652There was a strong man of Drumrig 2653Who one day did seven times frig. 2654 He buggered three sailors, 2655 Four dogs and two tailors, 2656And ended by fucking a pig. 2657% 2658There was a teenager named Donna 2659Who never said, "No, I don't wanna." 2660 Two days out of three 2661 She would shoot LSD, 2662And on weekends she smoked marijuana. 2663% 2664There was a young belle of old Natchez 2665Whose garments were always in patchez. 2666 When comment arose 2667 On the state of her clothes 2668She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez." 2669% 2670There was a young blade from South Greece 2671Whose bush did so greatly increase 2672 That before he could shack 2673 He must hunt needle in stack. 2674'Twas as bad as being obese. 2675% 2676There was a young bride, a Canuck, 2677Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. 2678 You say that I, maybe, 2679 Can have my first baby-- 2680Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!" 2681% 2682There was a young bride of Antigua 2683Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" 2684 Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! 2685 Why, you've only felt my twot, 2686My legs and my arse and my figua!" 2687% 2688There was a young chap in Arabia 2689Who courted a widow named Fabia. 2690 "Yes, my tongue is as long 2691 As the average man's dong," 2692He said, licking the lips of her labia. 2693% 2694There was a young cook with the art 2695Of making a delicious tart 2696 With a handful of shit, 2697 Some snot and some spit, 2698And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. 2699% 2700There was a young curate whose brain 2701Was deranged from the use of cocaine; 2702 He lured a small child 2703 To a copse dark and wild, 2704Where he beat it to death with his cane. 2705 -- Edward Gorey 2706% 2707There was a young damsel named Baker 2708Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. 2709 He yelled, "My God! what 2710 Do you call this -- a twat? 2711Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" 2712% 2713There was a young dolly named Molly 2714Who thought that to frig was a folly. 2715 Said she, "Your pee-pee 2716 Means nothing to me, 2717But I'll do it just to be jolly." 2718% 2719There was a young fellow called Clyde 2720Who fell in an outhouse and died. 2721 He had a twin brother 2722 Who fell in another 2723So now they're interred side by side. 2724% 2725There was a young fellow from Cal., 2726In bed with a passionate gal. 2727 He leapt from the bed, 2728 To the toilet he sped; 2729Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" 2730% 2731There was a young fellow from Florida 2732Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. 2733 When they got into bed 2734 He cried, "God strike me dead! 2735This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" 2736% 2737There was a young fellow from Kent 2738Whose cock was so long that it bent 2739 To save himself trouble 2740 He put it in double 2741And instead of coming, he went. 2742% 2743There was a young fellow from Leeds 2744Who swallowed a package of seeds. 2745 Great tufts of grass 2746 Sprouted out of his ass 2747And his balls were all covered with weeds. 2748% 2749There was a young fellow from Parma 2750Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. 2751 Said the damsel demure, 2752 "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, 2753But I must say you fuck like a farmer." 2754% 2755There was a young fellow name Tucker 2756Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, 2757 Said, "Don't bow out your lips 2758 Like an elephant's hips, 2759The boys like it best when they pucker." 2760% 2761There was a young fellow named Ades 2762Whose favorite fruit was young maids. 2763 But sheep, nigger boys, whores, 2764 And the knot holes in doors 2765Were by no means exempt from his raids. 2766% 2767There was a young fellow named Babbitt 2768Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, 2769 But a girl from Johore 2770 Could do it twice more, 2771Which was just enough extra to crab it. 2772% 2773There was a young fellow named Bill, 2774Who took an atomic pill, 2775 His navel corroded, 2776 His asshole exploded, 2777And they found his nuts in Brazil. 2778% 2779There was a young fellow named Blaine, 2780And he screwed some disgusting old jane. 2781 She was ugly and smelly 2782 With an awful pot-belly, 2783But... well, they were caught in the rain. 2784% 2785There was a young fellow named Bliss 2786Whose sex life was strangely amiss, 2787 For even with Venus 2788 His recalcitrant penis 2789Would never do better than t 2790 h 2791 i 2792 s 2793 . 2794% 2795There was a young fellow named Bowen 2796Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. 2797 It grew so tremendous, 2798 So long and so pendulous, 2799'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'. 2800% 2801There was a young fellow named Brewer 2802Whose girl made her home in a sewer. 2803 Thus he, the poor soul, 2804 Could get into her hole, 2805And still not be able to screw her! 2806% 2807There was a young fellow named Case 2808Who entered a cunt-lapping race. 2809 He licked his way clean 2810 Through Number thirteen, 2811But then slipped and got pissed in the face. 2812% 2813There was a young fellow named Charteris 2814Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. 2815 Said she, "I don't mind, 2816 And higher up you'll find 2817The place where my fucker and farter is." 2818% 2819There was a young fellow named Cribbs 2820Whose cock was so big it had ribs. 2821 They were inches apart, 2822 And to suck it took art, 2823While to fuck it took forty-two trips. 2824% 2825There was a young fellow named dick 2826Who had a magnificent prick. 2827 It was shaped like a prism 2828 And shot so much gism 2829It made every cocksucker sick. 2830% 2831There was a young fellow named Feeney 2832Whose girl was a terrible meany. 2833 The hatch of her snatch 2834 Had a catch that would latch 2835- She could only be screwed by Houdini. 2836% 2837There was a young fellow named Fletcher, 2838Was reputed an infamous lecher. 2839 When he'd take on a whore 2840 She'd need a rebore, 2841And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. 2842% 2843There was a young fellow named Fyfe 2844Whose marriage was ruined for life, 2845 For he had an aversion 2846 To every perversion, 2847And only liked fucking his wife. 2848 2849Well, one year the poor woman struck, 2850And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, 2851 And said, "Where have you gotten us 2852 With your goddamn monotonous 2853Fuck after fuck after fuck? 2854 2855"I once knew a harlot named Lou -- 2856And a versatile girl she was, too. 2857 After ten years of whoredom 2858 She perished of boredom 2859When she married a jackass like you!" 2860% 2861There was a young fellow named Gene 2862Who first picked his asshole quite clean. 2863 He next picked his toes, 2864 And lastly his nose, 2865And he never did wash in between. 2866% 2867There was a young fellow named Gluck 2868Who found himself shit out of luck. 2869 Though he petted and wooed, 2870 When he tried to get screwed 2871He found virgins just don't give a fuck. 2872% 2873There was a young fellow named Goody 2874Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? 2875 If he found himself nude 2876 With a gal in the mood 2877The question's not woody but could he? 2878% 2879There was a young fellow named Grant 2880Who was made like the sensitive plant. 2881 When they asked "Do you fuck?" 2882 He replied, "No such luck. 2883I would if I could, but I can't." 2884% 2885There was a young fellow named Grimes 2886Who fucked his girl seventeen times 2887 In the course of a week -- 2888 And this isn't to speak 2889Of assorted venereal crimes. 2890% 2891There was a young fellow named Harry, 2892Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. 2893 He grabbed him a virgin, 2894 Who, without any urgin', 2895Immediately spread like a fairy. 2896% 2897There was a young fellow named Hatch 2898Who was fond of the music of Bach. 2899 He said: "It's not fussy 2900 Like Brahms and Debussy; 2901Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." 2902% 2903There was a young fellow named Kimble 2904Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, 2905 But fragile and slender, 2906 And dainty and tender, 2907So he kept it encased in a thimble. 2908% 2909There was a young fellow named Meek 2910Who invented a lingual technique. 2911 It drove women frantic, 2912 And made them romantic, 2913And wore all the hair off his cheek. 2914% 2915There was a young fellow named Morgan 2916Who possessed an unusual organ: 2917 The end of his dong, 2918 Which was nine inches long, 2919Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. 2920% 2921There was a young fellow named Paul 2922Who confessed, "I have only one ball. 2923 But the size of my prick 2924 Is God's dirtiest trick, 2925For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" 2926% 2927There was a young fellow named Pell 2928Who didn't like cunt very well. 2929 He would finger or fuck one, 2930 But never would suck one-- 2931He just couldn't get used to the smell. 2932% 2933There was a young fellow named Price 2934Who dabbled in all sorts of vice. 2935 He had virgins and boys 2936 And mechanical toys, 2937And on Mondays... he meddled with mice! 2938% 2939There was a young fellow named Prynne 2940Whose prick was so short and so thin, 2941 His wife found she needed 2942 A Fuckoscope -- she did -- 2943To see if he'd gotten it in. 2944% 2945There was a young fellow named Skinner 2946Who took a young lady to dinner 2947 At a quarter to nine, 2948 They sat down to dine, 2949At twenty to ten it was in her. 2950The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner. 2951 2952There was a young fellow named Tupper 2953Who took a young lady to supper. 2954 At a quarter to nine, 2955 They sat down to dine, 2956And at twenty to ten it was up her. 2957Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! 2958% 2959There was a young fellow named Sweeney, 2960Whose girl was a terrible meanie, 2961 The hatch of her snatch, 2962 Had a catch that would latch, 2963She could only be screwed by Houdini. 2964% 2965There was a young fellow of Burma 2966Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. 2967 But now that he's married he's 2968 Been using cantharides 2969And the root of their love is much firmer. 2970% 2971There was a young fellow of Greenwich 2972Whose balls were all covered with spinach. 2973 He had such a tool 2974 It was wound on a spool, 2975And he reeled it out inich by inich. 2976 2977But this tale has an unhappy finich, 2978For due to the sand in the spinach 2979 His ballocks grew rough 2980 And wrecked his wife's muff, 2981And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. 2982% 2983There was a young fellow of Harrow 2984Whose john was the size of a marrow. 2985 He said to his tart, 2986 "How's this for a start? 2987My balls are outside in a barrow." 2988% 2989There was a young fellow of Kent 2990Whose prick was so long that it bent, 2991 So to save himself trouble 2992 He put it in double, 2993And instead of coming he went. 2994% 2995There was a young fellow of Mayence 2996Who fucked his own arse in defiance 2997 Not only of custom 2998 And morals, dad-bust him, 2999But of most of the known laws of science. 3000% 3001There was a young fellow of Perth 3002Whose balls were the finest on earth. 3003 They grew to such size 3004 That one won a prize, 3005And goodness knows what they were worth. 3006% 3007There was a young fellow of Strensall 3008Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. 3009 On the night of his wedding 3010 It went through the bedding, 3011And shattered the chamber utensil. 3012% 3013There was a young fellow of Warwick 3014Who had reason for feeling euphoric, 3015 For he could by election 3016 Have triune erection: 3017Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. 3018% 3019There was a young fellow whose dong 3020Was prodigiously massive and long. 3021 On each side of his whang 3022 Two testes did hang 3023That attracted a curious throng. 3024% 3025There was a young gaucho named Bruno 3026Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know. 3027 A woman is fine, 3028 And a sheep is divine, 3029But a llama is Numero Uno." 3030% 3031There was a young gaucho named Bruno 3032Who said, "There is one thing I do know, 3033 Women are fine 3034 And children devine, 3035But the llama is numero uno." 3036% 3037There was a young German named Ringer 3038Who was screwing an opera singer. 3039 Said he with a grin, 3040 "Well, I've sure got it in!" 3041Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" 3042% 3043There was a young girl from Annista 3044Who dated a lecherous mister. 3045 He fondled her titty, 3046 Got one finger shitty, 3047Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er. 3048% 3049There was a young girl from Decatur 3050Who was raped by an alligator. 3051 But no one quite knew 3052 How she relished that screw, 3053For after he screwed her, he ate her. 3054% 3055There was a young girl from Dundee, 3056From her fanny there grew a plum tree. 3057 No one ate the nice fruit, 3058 To tell you the truth, 3059Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot. 3060% 3061There was a young girl from East Lynn 3062Whose mother ( to save her from sin ) 3063 Had filled up her crack 3064 With hard-setting shellac, 3065But the boys picked it out with a pin. 3066% 3067There was a young girl from Hong Kong 3068Who said, "You are utterly wrong 3069 To say my vagina 3070 Is the largest in China 3071Just because of your mean little dong." 3072% 3073There was a young girl from Hong Kong 3074Whose cervical cap was a gong. 3075 She said with a yell, 3076 As a shot rang her bell, 3077"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" 3078% 3079There was a young girl from Medina 3080Who could completely control her vagina. 3081 She could twist it around 3082 Like the cunts that are found 3083In Japan, Manchukuo and China. 3084% 3085There was a young girl from New York 3086Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. 3087 A woodpecker or two 3088 Made the grade it is true, 3089But it totally baffled the stork. 3090 3091Till along came a man who presented 3092A tool that was strangely indented. 3093 With a dizzying twirl 3094 He punctured that girl, 3095And thus was the cork-screw invented. 3096% 3097There was a young girl from New York 3098Who plugged up her quim with a cork 3099 A woodpecker or two 3100 Made the grade, it is true, 3101But it totally baffled the stork. 3102% 3103There was a young girl from Peru, 3104Who had nothing whatever to do. 3105 So she sat on the stairs, 3106 And counted cunt hairs, 3107Four thousand, three hundred and two. 3108% 3109There was a young girl from Peru, 3110Who noticed her lovers were few; 3111 So she walked out her door 3112 With a fig leaf, no more, 3113And now she's in bed - with the flu. 3114% 3115There was a young girl from Samoa 3116Who pledged that no man would know her. 3117 One young fellow tried, 3118 But she wriggled aside, 3119And he spilled all his spermatozoa. 3120% 3121There was a young girl from Seattle, 3122Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. 3123 But a bull from the South 3124 Shot a wad in her mouth 3125That made both her ovaries rattle. 3126% 3127There was a young girl from Siam 3128Who said to her boyfriend Priam, 3129 "To seduce me, of course, 3130 You'll have to use force, 3131And thank goodness you're stronger than I am. 3132% 3133There was a young girl from St. Cyr 3134Whose reflex reactions were queer. 3135 Her escort said, "Mable, 3136 Get up off the table; 3137That money's to pay for the beer." 3138% 3139There was a young girl from St. Paul 3140Who went to a newspaper ball. 3141 Her dress caught on fire 3142 And burnt her entire 3143Front page and sport section and all. 3144% 3145There was a young girl from the Bronix 3146Who had a vagina of onyx. 3147 She had so much `tsoris' 3148 With her clitoris, 3149She traded it in for a Packard. 3150% 3151There was a young girl from the coast 3152Who, just when she needed it most, 3153 Lost her Kotex and bled 3154 All over the bed, 3155And the head and the beard of her host. 3156% 3157There was a young girl in Berlin 3158Who eked out a living through sin. 3159 She didn't mind fucking, 3160 But much preferred sucking, 3161And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin. 3162% 3163There was a young girl in Berlin 3164Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. 3165 Though he diddled his best, 3166 And fucked her with zest, 3167She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" 3168% 3169There was a young girl in Dakota 3170Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: 3171 "In addition to gas 3172 We are rationing ass, 3173And you've greatly exceeded your quota." 3174% 3175There was a young girl name McKnight 3176Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night. 3177 She came to in bed, 3178 With a split maidenhead-- 3179That's the last time she ever was tight. 3180% 3181There was a young girl named Ann Heuser 3182Who swore that no man could surprise her. 3183 But Pabst took a chance, 3184 Found a Schlitz in her pants, 3185And now she is sadder Budweiser. 3186% 3187There was a young girl named Heather 3188Whose twitcher was made out of leather. 3189 She made a queer noise, 3190 Which attracted the boys, 3191By flapping the edges together. 3192% 3193There was a young girl named McCall 3194Whose cunt was exceedingly small, 3195 But the size of her anus 3196 Was something quite heinous -- 3197It could hold seven pricks and one ball. 3198% 3199There was a young girl named O'Clare 3200Whose body was covered with hair. 3201 It was really quite fun 3202 To probe with one's gun, 3203For her quimmy might be anywhere. 3204% 3205There was a young girl named O'Malley 3206Who wanted to dance in the ballet. 3207 She got roars of applause 3208 When she kicked off her drawers, 3209But her hair and her bush didn't tally. 3210% 3211There was a young girl named Saphire 3212Who succumbed to her lovers desire. 3213 She said, "It's a sin, 3214 But now that it's in, 3215Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 3216% 3217There was a young girl named Sapphire 3218Who succumbed to her lover's desire. 3219 She said, "It's a sin, 3220 But now that it's in, 3221Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 3222% 3223There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 3224Who screwed every man that she kissed with. 3225 She tickled the balls 3226 Of the men in the halls, 3227And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with. 3228% 3229There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 3230Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. 3231 The miller's sun, Jack, 3232 Laid her flat on her back, 3233And united the organs they pissed with. 3234% 3235There was a young girl of Angina 3236Who stretched catgut across her vagina. 3237 From the love-making frock 3238 (With the proper sized cock) 3239Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. 3240% 3241There was a young girl of Asturias 3242With a penchant for practices curious. 3243 She loved to bat rocks 3244 With her gentlemen's cocks -- 3245A practice both rude and injurious. 3246% 3247There was a young girl of Batonger 3248who diddled herself with a conger, 3249 When asked how it feels 3250 To be pleasured by eels 3251She said, "Just like a man, only longer. 3252% 3253There was a young girl of Cah'lina, 3254Had a very capricious vagina: 3255 To the shock of the fucker 3256 "Twould suddenly pucker, 3257And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." 3258% 3259There was a young girl of Cape Cod 3260Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. 3261 But it wasn't Jehovah 3262 That turned the girl over, 3263'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, 3264 the bugger, the bastard, the sod! 3265% 3266There was a young girl of Cape Town 3267Who usually fucked with a clown. 3268 He taught her the trick 3269 Of sucking his prick, 3270And when it went up -- she went down. 3271% 3272There was a young girl of Coxsaxie 3273Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. 3274 She was fucked at the show 3275 In the twenty-third row, 3276And once more going home in the taxi. 3277% 3278There was a young girl of Darjeeling 3279Who could dance with such exquisite feeling 3280 There was never a sound 3281 For miles around 3282Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. 3283% 3284There was a young girl of Des Moines 3285Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, 3286 Till a guy from Hoboken 3287 Went and dropped in a token, 3288And now she rides free on the ferry. 3289% 3290There was a young girl of Detroit 3291Who at fucking was very adroit: 3292 She could squeeze her vagina 3293 To a pin-point, or finer, 3294Or open it out like a quoit. 3295 3296And she had a friend named Durand 3297Whose cock could contract or expand. 3298 He could diddle a midge 3299 Or the arch of a bridge -- 3300Their performance together was grand! 3301% 3302There was a young girl of East Lynne 3303Whose mother, to save her from sin, 3304 Had filled up her crack, 3305 To the brim with shellac, 3306But the boys picked it out with a pin. 3307% 3308There was a young girl of Gibraltar 3309Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. 3310 It really seems odd 3311 That a virtuous God 3312Should answer her prayers and assault her. 3313% 3314There was a young girl of LLewellyn 3315Whose breasts were as big as a melon. 3316 They were big it is true, 3317 But her cunt was big too, 3318Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view 3319Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. 3320% 3321There was a young girl of Mobile, 3322Who hymen was made of chilled steel, 3323 To give her a thrill, 3324 Took a rotary drill, 3325Or a number nine emery wheel. 3326% 3327There was a young girl of Moline 3328Whose fucking was sweet and obscene. 3329 She would work on a prick 3330 With every known trick, 3331And finish by winking it clean. 3332% 3333There was a young girl of Newcastle 3334Whose charms were declared universal. 3335 While one man in front 3336 Wired into her cunt, 3337Another was engaged at her arsehole. 3338% 3339There was a young girl of Pawtucket 3340Whose box was as big as a bucket. 3341 Her boy-friend said, "Toots, 3342 I'll have to wear boots, 3343For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." 3344% 3345There was a young girl of Penzance 3346Who boarded a bus in a trance. 3347 The passengers fucked her, 3348 Likewise the conductor, 3349While the driver shot off in his pants. 3350% 3351There was a young girl of Pitlochry 3352Who was had by a man in a rockery. 3353 She said, "Oh! You've come 3354 All over my bum; 3355This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." 3356% 3357There was a young girl of Rangoon 3358Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. 3359 "Well, it has been great fun," 3360 She remarked when he'd done, 3361"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." 3362% 3363There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, 3364Whose people all thought her a virgin, 3365 Till they found her in bed 3366 With her twat very red, 3367And the head of a kid just emergin'. 3368% 3369There was a young girl, very sweet, 3370Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat. 3371 When she sat on their lap 3372 She unbuttoned their flap, 3373And always had plenty to eat. 3374% 3375There was a young girl who begat 3376Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat. 3377 T'was fun in the breeding 3378 But hell in the feeding 3379When she found there's no tit for Tat. 3380% 3381There was a young girl who begat 3382Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. 3383 It was fun in the breeding, 3384 But hell in the feeding, 3385When she found there was no tit for Tat. 3386% 3387There was a young harlot from Kew 3388Who filled her vagina with glue. 3389 She said with a grin, 3390 "If they pay to get in, 3391They'll pay to get out of it too." 3392% 3393There was a young harlot named Schwartz 3394Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, 3395 And they tickled so nice 3396 She drew a high price 3397From the studs at the summer resorts. 3398 3399Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, 3400Was seldom hard up for a diddle, 3401 For according to rumor 3402 His tool had a tumor 3403And a fine row of warts down the middle. 3404% 3405There was a young hayseed from Tiffan 3406Whose cock would constantly stiffen. 3407 The knob out in front 3408 Attracted foul cunt 3409Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. 3410% 3411There was a young idler named Blood, 3412Made a fortune performing at stud, 3413 With a fifteen-inch peter, 3414 A double-beat metre, 3415And a load like the Biblical Flood. 3416% 3417There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway 3418Whose screams could be heard for a block away. 3419 Perceiving his error, 3420 The Rabbi in terror 3421Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!" 3422% 3423There was a young lad - name of Durcan 3424Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 3425 His father said, "Durcan 3426 Stop jerkin' your gherkin 3427Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. 3428% 3429There was a young lad from Nahant 3430Who was made like the Sensitve Plant. 3431 When asked, "Do you fuck?" 3432 He replied, "No such luck. 3433I would if I could but I can't." 3434% 3435There was a young lad from Siam, 3436Whose sexlife was caught in a jam. 3437 He loved them real small, 3438 'Cause they're funner to ball, 3439So he went out and bought him a lamb! 3440% 3441There was a young lad name of Durcan 3442Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 3443 His father said, "Durcan! 3444 Stop jerkin' your gherkin! 3445Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. 3446% 3447There was a young lad name of Ward 3448Who strung himself up with a cord 3449 Said he, of his work 3450 (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk) 3451"I am leaving because I am bored." 3452 - E.A. Guest 3453% 3454There was a young lad named McFee 3455Who was stung in the balls by a bee 3456 He made oodles of money 3457 By oozing pure honey 3458Every time he attempted to pee. 3459% 3460There was a young lady at sea 3461Who complained that it hurt her to pee. 3462 Said the brawny old mate, 3463 "That accounts for the state 3464Of the cook and the captain and me." 3465% 3466There was a young lady at sea 3467Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee." 3468 "I see," said the mate, 3469 "That accounts for the state 3470Of the captain, the purser, and me." 3471% 3472There was a young lady called Ciss 3473Who went to the river to piss. 3474 A young man in a punt 3475 Put his hand on her cunt; 3476No wonder she thought it was bliss. 3477% 3478There was a young lady from Bangor 3479Who slept while the ship lay at anchor 3480 She woke in dismay 3481 When she heard the mate say: 3482"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!" 3483% 3484There was a young lady from Bright, 3485Whose speed was much faster than light. 3486 She went out one day 3487 In a relative way 3488And returned on the previous night. 3489% 3490There was a young lady from Bristol 3491Who went to the Palace called Crystal. 3492 Said she, "It's all glass, 3493 And as round as my ass," 3494And she farted as loud as a pistol. 3495% 3496There was a young lady from Brussels 3497Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. 3498 She could easily plex them 3499 And so interflex them 3500As to whistle love songs through her bustles. 3501% 3502There was a young lady from Drew 3503Who ended her verse at line two. 3504% 3505There was a young lady from Dumfries 3506Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! 3507 My navel's all bare, 3508 So stick it in there, 3509Before both my legs and my bum freeze." 3510% 3511There was a young lady from Exeter, 3512So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 3513 One was even so brave 3514 As to take out and wave 3515The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 3516% 3517There was a young lady from Hyde 3518Who ate a green apple and died. 3519 While her lover lamented 3520 The apple fermented 3521And made cider inside her inside. 3522% 3523There was a young lady from Maine 3524Who claimed she had men on her brain. 3525 But you knew from the view, 3526 As her abdomen grew, 3527It was not on her brain that he'd lain. 3528% 3529There was a young lady from Munich 3530Who had an affair with a eunuch. 3531 At the height of their passion 3532 He dealt her a ration 3533% 3534There was a young lady from Munich 3535Who had an affair with a eunuch. 3536 At the height of their passion 3537 He dealt her a ration 3538From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. 3539% 3540There was a young lady from Norway 3541Who hung by her heels in a doorway. 3542 She told her young man, 3543 "Get off the divan, 3544I think I've discovered one more way " 3545% 3546There was a young lady from Prentice 3547Who had an affair with a dentist. 3548 To make things easier 3549 He used anesthesia, 3550And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. 3551% 3552There was a young lady from Rheims 3553Who amazingly pissed in four streams. 3554 A friend poked around 3555 And a fly-button found 3556Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. 3557% 3558There was a young lady from Rio 3559Who slept with the Fornier trio. 3560 As she dropped her panties 3561 She said, "No andanties 3562I want this allegro con brio." 3563% 3564There was a young lady from Siam 3565Who said to her lover, one Kiam, 3566 "You may kiss me of course, 3567 But you'll have to use force. 3568Though god knows you're stronger than I am." 3569% 3570There was a young lady from Spain 3571Who demurely undressed on a train. 3572 A helpful young porter 3573 Helped more than he orter, 3574And she promptly cried "Help me again" 3575% 3576There was a young lady from Spain 3577Who got sick as she rode on a train; 3578 Not once, but again, 3579 And again, and again, 3580And again, and again, and again. 3581% 3582There was a young lady from Spain 3583Whose face was exceedingly plain, 3584 But her cunt had a pucker 3585 That made the men fuck her, 3586Again, and again, and again. 3587% 3588There was a young lady from Troy 3589Had a moustache, just like a young boy 3590 Though it tickled to kiss 3591 'Twas a source of much bliss 3592When she used it to brush a man's toy. 3593% 3594There was a young lady from Wheeling 3595Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. 3596 But a cynic named Boris 3597 Just touched her clitoris 3598And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. 3599% 3600There was a young lady from Wheeling 3601Who had a peculiar feeling. 3602 She laid on her back 3603 And tickled her crack 3604And pissed all over the ceiling. 3605% 3606There was a young lady from Wooster 3607Who complained that too many men gooster. 3608 So she traded her scanties 3609 For sandpaper panties, 3610Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. 3611% 3612There was a young lady in Reno, 3613Who lost all her dough playing Keno. 3614 But she lay on her back, 3615 And opened her crack, 3616So now she owns the Casino! 3617% 3618There was a young lady named Alice 3619Who was known to have peed in a chalice. 3620 'Twas the common belief 3621 It was done for relief, 3622And not out of protestant malice. 3623% 3624There was a young lady named Astor 3625Who never let any get past her. 3626 She finally got plenty 3627 By stopping twenty, 3628Which certainly ought to last her. 3629% 3630There was a young lady named Banker, 3631Who slept while the ship lay at anchor, 3632 She woke in dismay, 3633 When she heard the mate say, 3634"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker." 3635% 3636There was a young lady named Blount 3637Who had a rectangular cunt. 3638 She learned for diversion 3639 Posterior perversion, 3640Since no one could fit here in front. 3641% 3642There was a young lady named Bower 3643Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower. 3644 But a poet from Perth 3645 Laid her flat on the earth, 3646And proceeded with penis to plough her. 3647% 3648There was a young lady named Brent 3649With a cunt of enormous extent, 3650 And so deep and so wide, 3651 The acoustics inside 3652Were so good you could hear when you spent. 3653% 3654There was a young lady named Bright 3655Who could travel much faster than light. 3656 She took off one day, 3657 In a relative way, 3658And returned on the previous night. 3659% 3660There was a young lady named Brook 3661Who never could learn how to cook. 3662 But on a divan 3663 She could please any man- 3664She knew every darn trick in the book! 3665% 3666There was a young lady named Cager 3667Who, as the result of a wager, 3668 Consented to fart 3669 The entire oboe part 3670Of Mozart's quartet in F major. 3671% 3672There was a young lady named Ciss 3673Who said, "I think skating's a bliss " 3674 But she'll never restate, 3675 For a wheel off her skate 3676.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM 3677% 3678There was a young lady named Clair 3679Who possessed a magnificent pair; 3680 At least so I thought 3681 Till I saw one get caught 3682On a thorn, and begin losing air. 3683% 3684There was a young lady named Dot 3685Whose cunt was so terribly hot 3686 That ten bishops of Rome 3687 And the Pope's private gnome 3688Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat. 3689% 3690There was a young lady named Duff 3691With a lovely, luxuriant muff. 3692 In his haste to get in her 3693 One eager beginner 3694Lost both of his balls in the rough. 3695% 3696There was a young lady named Etta 3697Who was constantly seen in a swetta. 3698 Three reasons she had: 3699 To keep warm wasn't bad, 3700But the other two reasons were betta. 3701% 3702There was a young lady named Fleager 3703Who was terribly, terribly eager 3704 To be all the rage 3705 On the tragedy stage, 3706Though her talents were pitifully meagre. 3707 -- Edward Gorey 3708% 3709There was a young lady named Flo 3710Whose lover had pulled out too slow. 3711 So they tried it all night, 3712 Till he got it just right... 3713Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. 3714% 3715There was a young lady named Flynn 3716Who thought fornication a sin, 3717 But when she was tight 3718 It seemed quite all right, 3719So everyone filled her with gin. 3720% 3721There was a young lady named Gilda 3722Who went on a date with a builder. 3723 He said that he would, 3724 And he could and he should, 3725And he did and it damn well near killed her. 3726% 3727There was a young lady named Gloria 3728Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, 3729 And then by six men, 3730 Sir Gerald again, 3731And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 3732% 3733There was a young lady named Gloria, 3734Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" 3735 She replied to the chap, 3736 "I'll draw you a map, 3737Of where others have been to before ya." 3738% 3739There was a young lady named Grace 3740Who would not take a prick in her "place." 3741 Though she'd kiss it and suck it, 3742 She never would fuck it-- 3743She just couldn't relax face-to-face. 3744% 3745There was a young lady named Hall, 3746Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 3747 The dress caught on fire 3748 And burned her entire 3749Front page, sporting section, and all. 3750% 3751There was a young lady named Hatch 3752Who would always come through in a scratch. 3753 If a guy wouldn't neck her, 3754 She'd grab up his pecker 3755And shove the damn thing up her snatch. 3756% 3757There was a young lady named Mable 3758Who liked to sprawl out on the table, 3759 Then cry to her man, 3760 "Stuff in all you can -- 3761Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." 3762% 3763There was a young lady named Mandel 3764Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal 3765 By coming out bare 3766 On the main village square 3767And frigging herself with a candle. 3768% 3769There was a young lady named Maud, 3770A terrible society fraud: 3771 In company, I'm told, 3772 She was distant and cold, 3773But if you got her alone, Oh God! 3774% 3775There was a young lady named May 3776Who strolled in a park by the way, 3777 And she met a youg man 3778 Who fucked her and ran -- 3779Now she goes to the park every day. 3780% 3781There was a young lady named Nance 3782Who learned about fucking in France, 3783 And when you'd insert it 3784 She'd squeeze till she hurt it, 3785And shoved it right back in your pants. 3786% 3787There was a young lady named Nelly 3788Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. 3789 They could tickle her twat 3790 Or be tied in a knot, 3791And could even swat flies on her belly. 3792% 3793There was a young lady named Ransom 3794Who was raped three times in a hansom 3795 When she cried out for more 3796 Said a voice from the floor, 3797"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson 3798% 3799There was a young lady named Ransom 3800Who was rogered three times in a hansom. 3801 When she cried out for more 3802 A voice from the floor 3803Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson." 3804% 3805There was a young lady named Riddle 3806Who had an untouchable middle. 3807 She had many friends 3808 Because of her ends, 3809Since it isn't the middle you diddle. 3810% 3811There was a young lady named Rose 3812Who fainted whenever she chose; 3813 She did so one day 3814 While playing croquet, 3815But was quickly revived with a hose. 3816 -- Edward Gorey 3817% 3818There was a young lady named Rose 3819With erogenous zones in her toes. 3820 She remained onanistic 3821 Till a foot-fetishistic 3822Young man became one of her beaux. 3823% 3824There was a young lady named Schneider 3825Who often kept trysts with a spider. 3826 She found a strange bliss, 3827 In the hiss of her piss, 3828As it strained through the cobwebs inside her. 3829% 3830There was a young lady named Smith 3831Whose virtue was largely a myth. 3832 She said, "Try as I can 3833 I can't find a man 3834Who it's fun to be virtuous with." 3835% 3836There was a young lady named Twiss 3837Who said she thought fucking a bliss, 3838 For it tickled her bum 3839 And caused her to come 3840.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW 3841% 3842There was a young lady named Wylde 3843Who kept herself quite undefiled 3844 By thinking of Jesus; 3845 Contagious diseases; 3846And the bother of having a child. 3847% 3848There was a young lady of Arden, 3849The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. 3850 Said she with a frown, 3851 "I've been sadly let down 3852By the tool of a fool in a garden." 3853% 3854There was a young lady of Bicester 3855Who was nicer by far than her sister: 3856 The sister would giggle 3857 And wiggle and jiggle, 3858But this one would come if you kissed her. 3859% 3860There was a young lady of Brabant 3861Who slept with an impotent savant. 3862 She admitted, "We shouldn't, 3863 But it turned out he couldn't- 3864So you can't say we have when we haven't." 3865% 3866There was a young lady of Bude 3867Who walked down the street in the nude. 3868 A bobby said, "Whattum 3869 Magnificent bottom!" 3870And slapped it as hard as he could. 3871% 3872There was a young lady of Carmia 3873Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya. 3874 At every cold snap 3875 She would climb in your lab, 3876So her little base burner could warm ya. 3877% 3878There was a young lady of Dee 3879Who went down to the river to pee. 3880 A man in a punt 3881 Put his hand on her cunt, 3882And God! how I wish it were me. 3883% 3884There was a young lady of Dee 3885Whose hymen was split into three. 3886 And when she was diddled 3887 The middle string fiddled : 3888"Nearer My God To Thee." 3889% 3890There was a young lady of Dexter 3891Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, 3892 For whenever they'd start 3893 He'd unfailingly fart 3894With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. 3895% 3896There was a young lady of Dover 3897Whose passion was such that it drove her 3898 To cry, when you came, 3899 "Oh dear! What a shame! 3900Well, now we shall have to start over." 3901% 3902There was a young lady of Ealing 3903And her lover before her was kneeling. 3904 Said she, "Dearest Jim, 3905 Take your hands off my quim; 3906I much prefer fucking to feeling." 3907% 3908There was a young lady of fashion 3909Who had oodles and oodles of passion. 3910 To her lover she said, 3911 As they climbed into bed, 3912"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" 3913% 3914There was a young lady of Fez 3915Who was known to the public as "Jez." 3916 Jezebel was her name, 3917 Sucking cocks was the game 3918She excelled at (so everyone says). 3919% 3920There was a young lady of Gaza 3921Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3922 The crabs, in a lump, 3923 Made tracks to her rump - 3924This passing parade did amaze her. 3925% 3926There was a young lady of Gaza 3927Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3928 The crabs, in a lump, 3929 Made tracks to her rump - 3930This passing parade did amaze her. 3931% 3932There was a young lady of Gaza 3933Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3934 The crabs, in a lump, 3935 Made tracks to her rump-- 3936This passing parade did amaze her. 3937% 3938There was a young lady of Gloucester, 3939Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. 3940 She wasn't much hurt, 3941 But he dirtied her skirt, 3942So think of the anguish it cost her. 3943% 3944There was a young lady of Gloucester 3945Whose friends they thought they had lost her 3946 Till they found on the grass 3947 The marks of her arse, 3948And the knees of the man who had crossed her. 3949% 3950There was a young lady of Kent, 3951Who admitted she knew what it meant 3952 When men asked her to dine, 3953 And plied her with wine, 3954She knew, oh she knew -- but she went! 3955% 3956There was a young lady of Lee 3957Who scrambled up into a tree, 3958 When she got there 3959 Her arsehole was bare, 3960And so was her C U N T. 3961% 3962There was a young lady of Lincoln 3963Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, 3964 So she had a prick lent her 3965 Which turned it magenta, 3966This artful old lady of Lincoln. 3967% 3968There was a young lady of Natchez 3969Who chanced to be born with two snatches, 3970 And she often said, "Shit! 3971 Why, I'd give either tit 3972For a man with equipment that matches." 3973 3974There was a young fellow named Locke 3975Who was born with a two-headed cock. 3976 When he'd fondle the thing 3977 It would rise up and sing 3978An antiphonal chorus by Bach. 3979 3980But whether these two ever met 3981Has not been recorded as yet, 3982 Still, it would be diverting 3983 To see him inserting 3984His whang while it sang a duet. 3985% 3986There was a young lady of Norway 3987Who hung by her toes in a doorway. 3988 She said to her beau 3989 "Just look at me Joe 3990I think I've discovered one more way." 3991% 3992There was a young lady of Rhyll 3993In an omnibus was taken ill, 3994 So she called the conductor, 3995 Who got in and fucked her, 3996Which did more good than a pill. 3997% 3998There was a young lady of Spain 3999Who took down her pants on a train. 4000 There was a young porter 4001 Saw more than he orter, 4002And asked her to do it again. 4003% 4004There was a young lady of Spain 4005Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. 4006 They did it again 4007 And again and again, 4008And again and again and again. 4009% 4010There was a young lady of Twickenham 4011Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. 4012 On her knees every day 4013 To God she would pray 4014To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em. 4015% 4016There was a young lady of Wheeling 4017Said to her beau, "I've a feeling 4018 My little brown jug 4019 Has need of a plug" -- 4020And straightaway she started to peeling. 4021% 4022There was a young lady of Wheeling 4023Who professed to lack sexual feeling. 4024 But a cynic named Boris 4025 Just touched her clitoris, 4026And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. 4027% 4028There was a young lady who said, 4029As her bridegroom got into the bed, 4030 "I'm tired of this stunt, 4031 That they do with one's cunt, 4032You can get up my bottom instead." 4033% 4034There was a young lady whose cunt 4035Could accomodate a small punt. 4036 Her mother said, "Annie, 4037 It matches your fanny, 4038Which never was that of a runt." 4039% 4040There was a young lady whose thighs, 4041When spread showed a slit of such size, 4042 And so deep and so wide, 4043 You could play cards inside, 4044Much to her bridegroom's surprise. 4045% 4046There was a young lass from Surat. 4047The cheeks of her ass were so fat 4048 That they had to be parted 4049 Whenever she farted, 4050And also whenever she shat. 4051% 4052There was a young lass from Surat. 4053The cheeks of her ass were so fat 4054 That they had to be parted 4055 Whenever she farted, 4056And also whenever she shat. 4057% 4058There was a young laundress named Wrangle 4059Whose tits tilted up at an angle. 4060 "They may tickle my chin," 4061 She said with a grin, 4062"But at least they keep out of the mangle." 4063% 4064There was a young maiden from Osset 4065Whose quim was nine inches across it. 4066 Said a young man named Tong, 4067 With tool nine inches long, 4068"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." 4069% 4070There was a young man from Bear Ridge 4071Who had strange ideas about marriage. 4072 He fucked his wife's mother 4073 And sucked off her brother 4074And ate up her sister's miscarriage. 4075% 4076There was a young man from Bel-Aire 4077Who was screwing his girl on the stair. 4078 But the banister broke 4079 So he doubled his stroke 4080And finished her off in mid-air. 4081% 4082There was a young man from Bengal 4083Who claimed he had only one ball, 4084 But two little bitches 4085 Pulled down this man's breeches 4086And proved he had nothing at all. 4087% 4088There was a young man from Biloxi 4089Whose bowels responded to Moxie. 4090 Drinking glass after glass, 4091 He would tune up his ass, 4092Till he played like the band at the Roxy. 4093% 4094There was a young man from Bombay 4095Who fashioned a cunt out of clay 4096 But the heat of his prick 4097 Turned it into a brick 4098And rubbed all his foreskin away. 4099% 4100There was a young man from Boston 4101Who rode around in an Austin. 4102 There was room for his ass 4103 And a gallon of gas, 4104But his balls hung out and he lost 'em. 4105% 4106There was a young man from Calcutta 4107Who was heard in his beard to mutter, 4108 "If her Bartholin glands 4109 Don't respond to my hands, 4110I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." 4111% 4112There was a young man from Dallas 4113Who had an exceptional phallus. 4114 He couldn't find room 4115 In any girl's womb 4116Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. 4117% 4118There was a young man from Dundee 4119Who buggered an ape in a tree. 4120 The results were quite horrid: 4121 All ass and no forehead, 4122Three balls and a purple goatee. 4123% 4124There was a young man from East Lizes 4125Whose balls were of two different sizes 4126 One was so small 4127 It was no ball at all 4128The other was large and won prizes. 4129% 4130There was a young man from East Wubley 4131Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. 4132 Each quadruplicate shaft 4133 Had two balls hanging aft, 4134And the general effect was quite lovely. 4135 4136There was a young man from Hong Kong 4137Who had a trifurcated prong: 4138 A small one for sucking, 4139 A large one for fucking, 4140And a `boney' for beating a gong. 4141% 4142There was a young man from Glengozzle 4143Who found a remarkable fossil. 4144 He knew by the bend 4145 And the wart on the end, 4146'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. 4147% 4148There was a young man from Jodhpur 4149Who found he could easily cure 4150 His dread diabetes 4151 By eating a foetus 4152Served up in a sauce of manure. 4153% 4154There was a young man from Kent 4155Whose tool was so long that it bent. 4156 To save himself trouble 4157 He put it in double 4158And instead of coming, he went. 4159% 4160There was a young man from Lynn 4161Whose cock was the size of a pin. 4162 Said his girl with a laugh 4163 As she felt his staff, 4164"This won't be much of a sin." 4165% 4166There was a young man from Maine 4167Whose prick was as strong as a crane; 4168 It was almost as long, 4169 So he strolled with his dong 4170Extended in sunshine and rain. 4171% 4172There was a young man from Nantucket 4173Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 4174 But he looked in the glass, 4175 And saw his own ass, 4176And broke his neck trying to fuck it. 4177% 4178There was a young man from Nantucket 4179Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 4180 He said with a grin, 4181 While wiping his chin, 4182"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." 4183% 4184There was a young man from New Haven 4185Who had an affair with a raven. 4186 He said with a grin 4187 As he wiped off his chin, 4188"Nevermore!" 4189% 4190There was a young man from Peru, 4191Who took a long trip by canoe. 4192 While staring at Venus, 4193 And rubbing his penis, 4194He wound up with a handful of goo. 4195% 4196There was a young man from Purdue 4197Who was only just learning to screw, 4198 But he hadn't the knack, 4199 And he got too far back -- 4200In the right church, but in the wrong pew. 4201% 4202There was a young man from Racine 4203Who invented a fucking machine. 4204 Concave or convex, 4205 It served either sex, 4206But oh what a bitch to keep clean. 4207% 4208There was a young man from Rangoon 4209Who used to lament 'neath the moon 4210 That he had the luck 4211 To be born of a fuck 4212That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. 4213% 4214There was a young man from Salinas 4215Who had an extremely long penis: 4216 Believe it or not, 4217 When he lay on his cot 4218It reached from Marin to Martinez. 4219% 4220There was a young man from Seattle 4221Whose testicles tended to rattle. 4222 He said as he fuck-ed 4223 Some stones in a bucket, 4224"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." 4225% 4226There was a young man from Siam 4227Who said, "I go in with a wham, 4228 But I soon lose my starch 4229 Like the mad month of March, 4230And the lion comes out like a lamb." 4231% 4232There was a young man from St. Paul's 4233Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" 4234 Till he grew such a passion 4235 For feminine fashion 4236That he knitted a snood for his balls. 4237% 4238There was a young man from Stamboul 4239Who boasted so torrid a tool 4240 That each female crater 4241 Explored by this satyr 4242Seemed almost unpleasantly cool. 4243% 4244There was a young man from Tibet- 4245And this is the strangest one yet- 4246 Whose tool was so long, 4247 So pointed and strong, 4248He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette". 4249% 4250There was a young man in Havana, 4251Banged his girl on a player-piana. 4252 At the height of their fever 4253 Her ass hit the lever 4254And: yes, he has no banana. 4255% 4256There was a young man in Norway, 4257Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, 4258 But the air was so frigid 4259 It froze his cock rigid, 4260And all he could come was frappe. 4261% 4262There was a young man in the choir 4263Whose penis rose higher and higher, 4264 Till it reached such a height 4265 It was quite out of sight -- 4266But of course you know I'm a liar. 4267% 4268There was a young man, name of Fred, 4269Who spent every Thursday in bed; 4270 He lay with his feet 4271 Outside of the sheet, 4272And the pillows on top of his head. 4273 -- Edward Gorey 4274% 4275There was a young man, name of Saul, 4276Who was able to bounce either ball, 4277 He could stretch them and snap them, 4278 And juggle and clap them, 4279Which earned him the plaudits of all. 4280% 4281There was a young man named Crockett 4282Whose balls got caught in a socket. 4283 His wife was a bitch 4284 So she threw the switch, 4285And Crockett went off like a rocket. 4286% 4287There was a young man named Crockett 4288Whose balls got caught in a socket. 4289 His wife was a bitch, 4290 Yeah, she threw the switch, 4291And Crockett went off like a rocket. 4292% 4293There was a young man named Hughes 4294Who swore off all kinds of booze. 4295 He said, "When I'm muddled 4296 My senses get fuddled, 4297And I pass up too many screws." 4298% 4299There was a young man named Knute 4300Who had warts all over his root. 4301 He put acid on these 4302 And now when he pees, 4303He fingers the thing like a flute. 4304% 4305There was a young man named Laplace 4306Whose balls were made out of spun glass. 4307 When they banged together 4308 They played "Stormy Weather" 4309And lightning shot out of his ass. 4310% 4311There was a young man named McNamiter 4312With a tool of prodigious diameter. 4313 But it wasn't the size 4314 Gave the girls a surprise, 4315But his rythm -- iambic pentameter. 4316% 4317There was a young man named Rex 4318Who really was small for his sex. 4319 When tried for exposure 4320 The judge's disclosure 4321Was "de minimus non curat lex." 4322% 4323There was a young man named Zerubbabel 4324Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. 4325 When they asked if his pleasure 4326 Was only half measure, 4327He replied, "That is highly improbable." 4328% 4329There was a young man named Zerubbabub 4330Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club 4331 But the pride of his life 4332 Were the tits of his wife -- 4333One real, and one India-rubber bub. 4334% 4335There was a young man of Arras 4336Who stretched himself out on the grass, 4337 And with no little trouble, 4338 He bent himself double, 4339And stuck his prick well up his ass. 4340% 4341There was a young man of Australia 4342Who went on a wild bacchanalia. 4343 He buggered a frog, 4344 Two mice and a dog, 4345And a bishop in fullest regalia. 4346% 4347There was a young man of Belgrade 4348Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade. 4349 I will suck, without charge, 4350 Any cock, if it's large. 4351If it's small, I expect to be paid." 4352% 4353There was a young man of Belgrade 4354Who slept with a girl in the trade. 4355 She said to him, "Jack, 4356 Try the hole in the back; 4357The front one is badly decayed." 4358% 4359There was a young man of Bengal 4360Who swore he had only one ball, 4361 But two little bitches 4362 Unbuttoned his britches, 4363And found he had no balls at all. 4364% 4365There was a young man of Bombay 4366Who buggered his dad once a day. 4367 He said, "I like, rather, 4368 Fucking my father -- 4369He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." 4370% 4371There was a young man of Calcutta, 4372Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter. 4373 When he got to c-u, 4374 A pious Hindoo 4375Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. 4376% 4377There was a young man of Cape Horn 4378Who wished he had never been born, 4379 And he wouldn't have been 4380 If his father had seen 4381That the end of the rubber was torn. 4382% 4383There was a young man of Coblenz 4384Whose ballocks were simply immense: 4385 It took forty-four draymen, 4386 A priest and three laymen 4387To carry them thither and thence. 4388% 4389There was a young man of Darjeeling 4390Whose cock reached up to the ceiling. 4391 In the electric light socket, 4392 He'd put it and rock it-- 4393Oh God! What a wonderful feeling! 4394% 4395There was a young man of Devizes 4396Whose balls were of different sizes. 4397 His tool when at ease, 4398 Hung down to his knees, 4399Oh, what must it be when it rises! 4400% 4401There was a young man of Devizes, 4402Whose balls were of different sizes. 4403 One was so small, 4404 It was nothing at all; 4405The other took numerous prizes. 4406% 4407There was a young man of Dumfries 4408Who said to his girl, "If you please, 4409 It would give me great bliss 4410 If, while playing with this, 4411You would pay some attention to these!" 4412% 4413There was a young man of Greenwich 4414Whose balls were all covered with spinach. 4415 So long was his tool 4416 That it wound round a spool, 4417And he let it out inach by inach. 4418% 4419There was a young man of high station 4420Who was found by a pious relation 4421 Making love in a ditch 4422 To -- I won't say a bitch -- 4423But a woman of no reputation. 4424% 4425There was a young man of Khartoum, 4426The strength of whose balls was his doom. 4427 So strong was his shootin', 4428 The third law of Newton 4429Propelled the poor chap to the Moon. 4430% 4431There was a young man of Khartoum 4432Who lured a poor girl to her doom. 4433 He not only fucked her, 4434 But buggered and sucked her-- 4435And left her to pay for the room. 4436% 4437There was a young man of Kildare 4438Who was fucking a girl on the stair. 4439 The bannister broke, 4440 But he doubled his stroke 4441And finished her off in mid-air. 4442% 4443There was a young man of Kutki 4444Who could blink himself off with one eye. 4445 For a while though, he pined, 4446 When his organ declined 4447To function, because of a stye. 4448% 4449There was a young man of Lahore 4450Whose prick was one inch and no more. 4451 It was all right for key-holes 4452 And little girl's pee-holes, 4453But not worth a damn with a whore. 4454% 4455There was a young man of Lake Placid 4456Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. 4457 When he wanted to sport 4458 He would have to resort 4459To injections of sulphuric acid. 4460% 4461There was a young man of Madras 4462Whose balls were constructed of brass. 4463 When jangled together 4464 They played "Stormy Weather", 4465And lightning shot out of his ass. 4466% 4467There was a young man of Missouri 4468Who fucked with a terrible fury. 4469 Till hauled into court 4470 For his beastial sport, 4471And condemned by a poorly-hung jury. 4472% 4473There was a young man of Natal 4474And Sue was the name of his gal. 4475 One day, north of Aden, 4476 He got his hard rod in, 4477And came clear up Suez Canal. 4478% 4479There was a young man of Natal 4480Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. 4481 Said she, "You're a sluggard!" 4482 Said he, "You be buggered! 4483I like to fuck slow and I shall." 4484% 4485There was a young man of Ostend 4486Who let a girl play with his end. 4487 She took hold of Rover, 4488 And felt it all over, 4489And it did what she didn't intend. 4490% 4491There was a young man of Ostend 4492Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. 4493 "It's no use, my duck, 4494 Interrupting our fuck, 4495For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." 4496% 4497There was a young man of Saskatchewan, 4498Whose penis was truly gargantuan. 4499 It was good for large whores, 4500 And for small dinosaurs, 4501And was rough enough to scratch a match upon. 4502% 4503There was a young man of Seattle 4504Who bested a bull in a battle. 4505 With fire and gumption 4506 He assumed the bull's function, 4507And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. 4508% 4509There was a young man of St. John's 4510Who wanted to bugger the swans. 4511 But the loyal hall porter 4512 Said, "Pray take my daughter! 4513Those birds are reserved for the dons." 4514% 4515There was a young man of Tibet 4516-- And this is the strangest one yet -- 4517 His prick was so long, 4518 And so pointed and strong, 4519He could bugger six sheep en brochette. 4520% 4521There was a young man of Toulouse 4522Who had a deficient prepuce, 4523 But the foreskin he lacked 4524 He made up in his sac; 4525The result was, his balls were too loose. 4526% 4527There was a young man who appeared 4528To his friends with a full growth of beard; 4529 They at once said, "Although 4530 We can't say why it's so, 4531The effect is uncommonly weird." 4532 -- Edward Gorey 4533% 4534There was a young man who said "God, 4535I find it exceedingly odd, 4536 That the willow oak tree 4537 Continues to be, 4538When there's no one about in the Quad." 4539 4540"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, 4541For I'm always about in the Quad; 4542 And that's why the tree, 4543 Continues to be," 4544Signed "Yours faithfully, God." 4545% 4546There was a young man with a fiddle 4547Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" 4548 She replied, "Yes, I do, 4549 But prefer to with two -- 4550It's twice as much fun in the middle." 4551% 4552There was a young man with a prick 4553Which into his wife he would stick 4554 Every morning and night 4555 If it stood up all right -- 4556Not a very remarkable trick. 4557 4558His wife had a nice little cunt: 4559It was hairy, and soft, and in front, 4560 And with this she would fuck him, 4561 Though sometimes she'd suck him -- 4562A charming, if commonplace, stunt. 4563% 4564There was a young man with one foot 4565Who had a very long root. 4566 If he used this peg 4567 As an extra leg 4568Is a question exceedingly moot. 4569% 4570There was a young miss from Johore 4571Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; 4572 In a manner uncanny 4573 She'd wobble her fanny, 4574And drain your nuts dry to the core. 4575% 4576There was a young monk from Siberia 4577Whose life got drearia' and drearia' 4578 Till he did to a nun 4579 What shouldn't be done 4580And made her a mother superia'. 4581% 4582There was a young monk from Tibet 4583And this is the damnedest one yet 4584 His cock was so long 4585 And incredibly strong 4586That he buggered six Greeks en brochette. 4587% 4588There was a young monk in Siberia, 4589Whose morals were very inferior, 4590 He jumped on a nun 4591 Which he shouldn't have done, 4592And now she's a Mother Superior. 4593% 4594There was a young monk of Dundee 4595Who complained that it hurt him to pee, 4596 He said, "Pax vobiscum, 4597 Now why won't the piss come? 4598I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p." 4599% 4600There was a young parson of Harwich, 4601Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. 4602 She said, "No, you young goose, 4603 Just try self-abuse. 4604And the other we'll try after marriage." 4605% 4606There was a young peasant named Gorse 4607Who fell madly in love with his horse. 4608 Said his wife, "You rapscallion, 4609 That horse is a stallion -- 4610This constitutes grounds for divorce." 4611% 4612There was a young person of Kent 4613Who was famous wherever he went. 4614 All the way through a fuck, 4615 He would quack like a duck, 4616And he crowed like a cock when he spent. 4617% 4618There was a young physicist named Fisk 4619Whose lovemaking was rather brisk. 4620 So quick was his action, 4621 The Lorentz Contraction 4622Shortened his rod to a disc !! 4623% 4624There was a young plumber named Lee 4625Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. 4626 She said, "Stop your plumbing, 4627 There's somebody coming" 4628Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." 4629% 4630There was a young poet named Dan, 4631Whose poetry never would scan. 4632 When told this was so, 4633 He said, "Yes, I know, 4634It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that 4635 Last line that I can." 4636% 4637There was a young poet named Dan, 4638Whose poetry never would scan. 4639 When told this was so, 4640 He said, "Yes, I know. 4641It's because I try to put every single 4642syllable into the last line that I possibly, 4643possibly can." 4644% 4645There was a young royal marine, 4646Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". 4647 When he reached the soprano 4648 Out came only guano 4649And his britches weren't fit to be seen. 4650% 4651There was a young sailor from Brighton, 4652Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." 4653 She replied, "'Pon my soul, 4654 You're in the wrong hole; 4655There's plenty of room in the right one." 4656% 4657There was a young sailor from Brighton 4658Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un." 4659 She replied, "'Pon my soul, 4660 You're in the wrong hole 4661There's plenty of room in the right'un." 4662% 4663There was a young sapphic named Anna 4664Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, 4665 Which she sucked, bit by bit, 4666 From her partner's warm slit, 4667In the most approved lesbian manner. 4668% 4669There was a young Scot in Madrid 4670Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. 4671 When they said, "Are you faint?" 4672 He replied, "No, I ain't, 4673But I don't feel as good as I did." 4674% 4675There was a young soldier from Munich 4676Whose penis hung down past his tunic, 4677 And their chops girls would lick 4678 When they thought of his prick, 4679But alas! he was only a eunuch. 4680% 4681There was a young sportsman named Peel 4682Who went for a trip on his wheel; 4683 He pedalled for days 4684 Through crepuscular haze, 4685And returned feeling somewhat unreal. 4686 -- Edward Gorey 4687% 4688There was a young squaw of Wohunt 4689Who possessed a collapsible cunt. 4690 It had many odd uses, 4691 Produced no papooses, 4692And fitted both giant and runt. 4693% 4694There was a young student from Yale 4695Who was getting his first piece of tail. 4696 He shoved in his pole, 4697 But in the wrong hole, 4698And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" 4699% 4700There was a young trollop at Yale, 4701Who had verses tattooed on her tail, 4702 And on her behind, 4703 For the sake of the blind, 4704A duplicate version in Braille. 4705% 4706There was a young whore from Kaloo 4707Who filled her vagina with glue. 4708 She said with a grin, 4709 "If they pay to get in, 4710They can pay to get out again too!" 4711% 4712There was a young woman called Pearl 4713Who quite resembled a churl; 4714 When she asked a young man named Tex 4715 Whether he would like to have sex, 4716"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?" 4717% 4718There was a young woman from Bude, 4719Who went for a swim in the nude, 4720 But a man in a punt, 4721 Grabbed at her elbow, 4722And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property." 4723% 4724There was a young woman in Dee 4725Who stayed with each man she did see. 4726 When it came to a test 4727 She wished to be best, 4728And practice makes perfect, you see. 4729% 4730There was a young woman named Alice 4731Who peed in a Catholic chalice. 4732 She said, "I do this 4733 From a great need to piss, 4734And not from sectarian malice." 4735% 4736There was a young woman named Ells 4737Who was subject to curious spells 4738 When got up very oddly, 4739 She'd cry out things ungodly 4740by the palms in expensive hotels. 4741 -- Edward Gorey 4742% 4743There was a young woman named Florence 4744Who for fucking professed an abhorrence, 4745 But they found her in bed 4746 With her cunt flaming red, 4747And her poodle-dog spending in torrents. 4748% 4749There was a young woman named Plunnery 4750Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery. 4751 Till one day unobservant, 4752 She blew up a servant, 4753And was forced to retire to a nunnery. 4754 -- Edward Gorey 4755% 4756There was a young woman named Sutton 4757Who said, as she carved up the mutton, 4758 "My father preferred 4759 The last sheep in the herd -- 4760This is one of his children I'm cuttin'." 4761% 4762There was a young woman of Cheadle, 4763Who once gave the clap to a beadle. 4764 Said she, "Does it itch?" 4765 "It does, you damned bitch, 4766And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." 4767% 4768There was a young woman of Condover 4769Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er. 4770 Her pussy was juicy, 4771 Her arse soft and goosey, 4772But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er. 4773% 4774There was a young woman of Croft 4775Who played with herself in a loft, 4776 Having reasoned that candles 4777 Could never cause scandals, 4778Besides which they did not go soft. 4779 4780Said another young woman of Croft, 4781Amusing herself in the loft, 4782 "A salami or wurst 4783 Is what I'd choose first -- 4784With bologna you know you've been boffed." 4785% 4786There was a young woman, quite handsome, 4787Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom. 4788 When she offered much gold 4789 For release, she was told 4790That the view was worth more than the ransom. 4791% 4792There was a young woman whose stammer 4793Was atrocious, and so was her grammar; 4794 But they were not improved 4795 When her husband was moved 4796To knock out her teeth with a hammer. 4797 -- Edward Gorey 4798% 4799There was an old abbess quite shocked 4800To find nuns where the candles were locked. 4801 Said the abbess, "You nuns 4802 Should behave more like guns, 4803And never go off till you're cocked." 4804% 4805There was an old bishop from Buckingham 4806Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em. 4807 His wife with distain 4808 Could scarcely restrain 4809That sprightly old bishop from * * *. 4810% 4811There was an old count of Swoboda 4812Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. 4813 So, with great savoir-faire, 4814 She stood on a chair 4815And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. 4816% 4817There was an old curate of Hestion 4818Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion. 4819 But so small was his tool 4820 He could scarce screw a spool, 4821And a cunt was quite out of the question. 4822% 4823There was an old fellow named Art 4824Who awoke with a horrible start, 4825 For down by his rump 4826 Was a generous lump 4827Of what should have been just a fart. 4828% 4829There was an old fellow named Skinner 4830Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. 4831 But still, by and large, 4832 It would always discharge 4833Once he could just get it in her. 4834% 4835There was an old feminine blighter 4836Who trained a Chow dog to delight her. 4837 She would cream her own pool 4838 While she sucked off his tool -- 4839How his cock in her cunt would excite her! 4840% 4841There was an old gent from Kentuck 4842Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, 4843 But he put it away 4844 For fear that one day 4845He might put it in and get stuck. 4846% 4847There was an old girl of Kilkenny 4848Whose usual charge was a penny. 4849 For half of that sum 4850 You could finger her bum-- 4851A source of amusement to many. 4852% 4853There was an old harlot from Dijon 4854Who in her old age got religion. 4855 "When I'm dead & gone," 4856 Said she, "I'll take on 4857The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon." 4858% 4859There was an old hermit named Dave 4860Who kept a dead whore in his cave. 4861 He said "I'll admit 4862 I'm a bit of a shit, 4863But look at the money I save." 4864% 4865There was an old lady of Bingly 4866Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. 4867 I thought I had got 4868 A bloke for my twat, 4869But he seems rather queenly than kingly." 4870% 4871There was an old lady of Glascow, 4872Whose party proved quite a fiasco. 4873 At nine-thirty, about, 4874 The lights all went out, 4875Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co. 4876% 4877There was an old lady of Kewry 4878Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': 4879 The `introitus vaginae', 4880 Was unnaturally tiny, 4881And the thought of it filled her with fury. 4882% 4883There was an old lady who lay 4884With her legs wide apart in the hay, 4885 Then, calling the ploughman, 4886 She said, "Do it now, man! 4887Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." 4888% 4889There was an old maid from Cape Cod 4890Who thought all good things came from god. 4891 But it wasn't the almighty 4892 Who lifted her nighty, 4893It was Roger, the lodger, by god. 4894% 4895There was an old man from Bengal 4896Who liked to do tricks in the hall. 4897 His favorite trick 4898 Was to stand on his dick 4899While he rolled around on one ball. 4900% 4901There was an old man from Duluth 4902Whose cock was shot off in his youth. 4903 He fucked with his nose 4904 Or his fingers and toes 4905And he came thru a hole in his tooth. 4906% 4907There was an old man from Fort Drum 4908Whose son was incredibly dumb. 4909 When he urged him ahead, 4910 He went down instead, 4911For he thought to succeed meant succumb. 4912% 4913There was an old man of Alsace 4914Who played the trombone with his ass. 4915 He put in a trap 4916 To take out the crap, 4917But the vapors corroded the brass. 4918% 4919There was an old man of Brienz 4920The length of whose cock was immense: 4921 With one swerve he could plug 4922 A boy's bottom in Zug, 4923And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. 4924% 4925There was an old man of Cajon 4926Who never could get a good bone. 4927 With the aid of a gland 4928 It grew simply grand; 4929Now his wife cannot leave it alone. 4930% 4931There was an old man of Calcutta 4932Who spied through a chink in the shutter. 4933 But all he could see 4934 Was his wife's bare knee, 4935And the back of the bloke who was up her. 4936% 4937There was an old man of Connaught 4938Whose prick was remarkably short. 4939 When he got into bed, 4940 The old woman said, 4941"This isn't a prick, it's a wart." 4942% 4943There was an old man of Duddee 4944Who came home as drunk as could be. 4945 He wound up the clock 4946 With the end of his cock, 4947And buggered his wife with the key. 4948% 4949There was an old man of Duluth 4950Whose cock was shot off in his youth. 4951 He fucked with his nose 4952 And with fingers and toes, 4953And he came through a hole in his tooth. 4954% 4955There was an old man of Hong Kong 4956Who never did anything wrong. 4957 He would lie on his back 4958 With his head in a sack 4959And secretly finger his dong. 4960% 4961There was an old man of St. Bees, 4962Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. 4963 When asked, "Does it hurt?" 4964 He relied, "No, it doesn't. 4965I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." 4966% 4967There was an old man of St. Bees, 4968Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. 4969 When asked, "Does it hurt?" 4970 He relied, "No, it doesn't. 4971I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." 4972 -- W.S. Gilbert 4973% 4974There was an old man of Tagore 4975Whose tool was a yard long or more, 4976 So he wore the damn thing 4977 In a surgical sling 4978To keep it from wiping the floor. 4979% 4980There was an Old Man of the Mountain 4981Who frigged himself into a fountain 4982 Fifteen times had he spent, 4983 Still he wasn't content, 4984He simply got tired of the counting. 4985% 4986There was an old man of the port 4987Whose prick was remarkably short. 4988 When he got into bed, 4989 The old woman said, 4990"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 4991% 4992There was an old man of the port 4993Whose prick was remarkably short. 4994 When he got into bed, 4995 The old woman said, 4996"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 4997% 4998There was an old man of the port 4999Whose prick was remarkably short. 5000 When he got into bed, 5001 The old woman said, 5002"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 5003% 5004There was an old man who said, "Tush! 5005My balls always hang in the brush, 5006 And I fumble about, 5007 Half in and half out, 5008With a pecker as limber as mush." 5009% 5010There was an old man with a beard 5011Who said, "It is just what I feared! 5012 Two owls and a hen, 5013 Four larks and a wren 5014Have all built their nests in my beard!" 5015% 5016There was an old person of Ware 5017Who had an affair with a bear. 5018 He explained, "I don't mind, 5019 For it's gentle and kind, 5020But I wish it had slightly less hair." 5021% 5022There was an old pirate named Bates 5023Who was learning to rhumba on skates 5024 He fell on his cutlass 5025 Which rendered him nutless 5026And practically useless on dates. 5027% 5028There was an old satyr named Mack 5029Whose prick had a left handed tack. 5030 If the ladies he loves 5031 Don't spin when he shoves, 5032Their cervixes frequently crack. 5033% 5034There was an old Scot named McTavish 5035Who attempted an anthropoid ravish. 5036 The object of rape 5037 Was the wrong sex of ape, 5038And the anthropoid ravished McTavish. 5039% 5040There was an old whore from Silesia 5041Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya, 5042 For a slight extra sum 5043 You can go up my bum 5044But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya." 5045% 5046There was an old whore in the Azores 5047Whose body was covered with festers & sores. 5048 Why the dogs in the street 5049 Wouldn't eat the green meat 5050That hung in festoons from her drawers. 5051% 5052There was an old woman of Ghent 5053Who swore that her cunt had no scent. 5054 She got fucked so often 5055 At last she got rotten, 5056And didn't she stink when she spent. 5057% 5058There was once a mechanic named Bench 5059Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. 5060 With this vibrant device 5061 He could reach, in a trice, 5062The innermost parts of a wench. 5063% 5064There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel 5065Who said, "They can all go to hell! 5066 What they do to my wife-- 5067 Why it ruins my life; 5068And the worst is, they all do it well. 5069% 5070There were three ladies of Huxham, 5071And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, 5072 And when that game grows stale 5073 We sits on a rail, 5074And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. 5075% 5076There were three young ladies of Birmingham, 5077And this is the scandal concerning 'em. 5078 They lifted the frock 5079 And tickled the cock 5080Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. 5081 5082Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool, 5083He'd been to a good public school, 5084 So he took down their britches 5085 And buggered those bitches 5086With his ten-inch episcopal tool. 5087 5088Then up spoke a lady from Kew, 5089And said, as the Bishop withdrew, 5090 "The vicar is quicker 5091 And thicker and slicker, 5092And longer and stronger than you." 5093 -- Abuses of the Clergy 5094% 5095There's a charming young girl in Tobruk 5096Who refers to her quiff as a nook. 5097 It's deep and it's wide, 5098 -- You can curl up inside 5099With a nice easy chair and a book. 5100% 5101There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu 5102Who's often been screwed by yours truly, 5103 But now--it's appallin'-- 5104 My balls always fall in! 5105I fear that I've fucked her unduly. 5106% 5107There's a dowager near Sweden Landing 5108Whose manners are odd and demanding. 5109 It's one of her jests 5110 To suck off her guests -- 5111She hates to keep gentlemen standing. 5112% 5113There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock 5114Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, 5115 But her cunt's got a pucker 5116 That's best not to fuck, or 5117When least you expect it to, it'll lock. 5118% 5119There's a rather odd couple in Herts 5120Who are cousins (or so each asserts); 5121 Their sex is in doubt 5122 For they're never without 5123Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts. 5124 -- Edward Gorey 5125% 5126There's a sports-minded coed named Sue, 5127Who's been coxing the varsity crew. 5128 In the shell Sue is great, 5129 But her boyfriend's irate, 5130When she calls out the stroke as they screw. 5131% 5132There's a tavern in London that's staffed, 5133By a barmaid who's tops at her craft: 5134 In her striving to please, 5135 She serves ale on her knees, 5136So the patrons get head with their draft. 5137% 5138There's a very hot babe at the Aggies 5139Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is. 5140 The seniors go round 5141 Hanging down to the ground, 5142And one extra-large Soph has to drag his. 5143% 5144There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious, 5145Since his shocking perversions are various... 5146 He will bugger some lad 5147 With a dildo (the cad!) 5148While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!" 5149% 5150There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, 5151Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. 5152 When one pireg is shot, 5153 There's that alternate twat, 5154But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. 5155% 5156There's an oversexed lady named Whyte 5157Who insists on a dozen a night. 5158 A fellow named Cheddar 5159 Had the brashness to wed her- 5160His chance of survival is slight. 5161% 5162There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, 5163Exceedingly hard to get onto, 5164 But when you get there, 5165 And have parted the hair, 5166You can fuck her as much as you want to. 5167% 5168They had come in the fugue to the stretto 5169When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto 5170 Slipped forward and grabbed 5171 Her tresses and stabbed 5172Her to death with a rusty stiletto. 5173 -- Edward Gorey 5174% 5175Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, 5176Was to do what man normally does, 5177 She declared, "I'm a Soul- 5178 Not a sexual goal!" 5179So he shrugged and called someone who was. 5180% 5181Though most of the crewmen are whites, 5182Uhura has full equal rights. 5183 Her crewmates, you see, 5184 Love De-mo-cra-cy, 5185And the way that she fills out her tights. 5186% 5187Though the invalid Saint of Brac 5188Lay all of his life on his back, 5189 His wife got her share, 5190 And the pilgrims now stare 5191At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. 5192% 5193'Tis a custom in Castellamare 5194To fuck in the back of a lorry. 5195 The chassis and springs 5196 Are like woodwinds and strings 5197In the midst of a musical soiree. 5198% 5199To a weepy young woman in Thrums 5200Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes 5201 Of allowing your tears 5202 To fall into my ears - 5203I think they have rotted the drums." 5204 -- Edward Gorey 5205% 5206To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. 5207Their fertility was somewhat unstable. 5208 He constructed a bed 5209 Out of tree trunks and said, 5210"Even adders can multiply on a log table." 5211% 5212To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! 5213Your cunt is as big as a dish!" 5214 She replied, "Why, you fool, 5215 With your limp little tool 5216It's like driving a nail with a fish!" 5217% 5218To his bride said a numskull named Clarence : 5219"I trust you will show some forbearance. 5220 My sexual habits 5221 I picked up from rabbits, 5222And occasionally watching my parents." 5223% 5224To his bride said economist Fife : 5225"The semen you'll launch as my wife, 5226 We will salvage and freeze 5227 To resemble goat's cheese, 5228And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife." 5229% 5230To his bride said the keen-eyed detective, 5231"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? 5232 Has the east tit the least bit 5233 The best of the west tit, 5234Or is it the faulty perspective?" 5235% 5236To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective, 5237"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? 5238 Is your east tit the least bit 5239 The best of your west tit, 5240Or is it a trick of perspective?" 5241% 5242To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, 5243As he poured his post-prandial tipple, 5244 "Your mother's behaviour 5245 Gave pain to Our Saviour, 5246And that's why He made you a cripple." 5247 -- Edward Gorey 5248% 5249Two anglers were fishing off Wight 5250And his bobber was dipping all night. 5251 Murmured she, with a laugh, 5252 "It's ready to gaff, 5253But don't break your rod which is light." 5254 5255A couple was fishing near Clombe 5256When the maid began looking quite glum, 5257 And said, "Bother the fish! 5258 I'd rather coish!" 5259Which they did -- which was why they had come. 5260 5261As two consular clerks in Madras 5262Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, 5263 "What a marvelous pole," 5264 Said she, "but control 5265Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." 5266% 5267Two eager young men from Cawnpore 5268Once buggared and fucked the same whore. 5269 But her partition split 5270 And the blood and the shit 5271Rolled out in a mess on the floor. 5272% 5273Two roosters in one of our pens 5274Found their pricks were no larger than wens. 5275 As they looked at their foreskins 5276 And wished they had more skins, 5277They discovered they'd both become hens. 5278% 5279Under the spreading chestnut tree 5280The village smith he sat, 5281 Amusing himself 5282 By abusing himself 5283And catching the load in his hat. 5284% 5285Une joile epousetta a Tours 5286Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. 5287 Mais le mari disait, "Non! 5288 De trop n'est pas bon! 5289Mon derriere exige du secours!" 5290% 5291Visas erat: huic geminarum 5292Dispar modus testicularum: 5293 Minor haec nihili, 5294 Palma triplici, 5295Jam fecerat altera clarum. 5296% 5297We dedicate this to the cunt, 5298The kind the broad-minded guys hunt : 5299 All hail to the twat, 5300 Willing, thrilling, and hot, 5301That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! 5302% 5303When I was a baby, my penis 5304Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. 5305 But now 'this as red 5306 As her nipples instead-- 5307All because of the feminie genus! 5308% 5309When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, 5310Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, 5311 "Was he modest or vain?" 5312 "Was he regal or plain?" 5313She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!" 5314% 5315When you fuck little Annie in Anza 5316You get a great bossom bonanza: 5317 Sucking Annie's soft tits 5318 Makes her throw fifty fits, 5319And the fuck is a sextravaganza! 5320% 5321While his duchess lay practically dead, 5322The Duke of Daguerrodargue said: 5323 "Can it be this is all? 5324 How puny! How small! 5325Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed." 5326 -- Edward Gorey 5327% 5328While I, with my usual enthusiasm, 5329Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, 5330 She explained, "They are flat, 5331 But think nothing of that -- 5332You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." 5333% 5334While out on a date in his Fiat, 5335The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?" 5336 As he bent down to seek, 5337 She let out a shriek: 5338"That's not where it's likely to be at." 5339% 5340While spending the winter at Pau 5341Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." 5342 So the head-porter made her 5343 And the second-cook laid her; 5344The waiters were all hanging low. 5345% 5346While Titian was mixing rose madder, 5347His model reclined on a ladder. 5348 Her position to Titian 5349 Suggested coition, 5350So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er. 5351% 5352While travelling in farthest Tibet, 5353Lord Irongate found cause to regret 5354 The buttered-up tea, 5355 A pain in his knee, 5356And the frivolous tourists he met. 5357 -- Edward Gorey 5358% 5359Winter is here with his grouch, 5360The time when you sneeze and you slouch. 5361 You can't take your women 5362 Canoein' or swimmin', 5363But a lot can be done on a couch. 5364% 5365With his penis in turgid erection, 5366And aimed at woman's mid-section, 5367 Man looks most uncouth 5368 In that Moment of Truth, 5369But she sheathes it with loving affection. 5370% 5371You Women's Lib gals won't agree, 5372But dependent on men you must be: 5373 You'll need a him 5374 With a rod firm and trim, 5375To puggle your water-drains free! 5376% 5377Young Frederick the great was a beaut. 5378To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute. 5379 If you'll come to my palace, 5380 I'll finger your phallus, 5381And then I shall blow on your flute." 5382% 5383You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, 5384Well, here's the new story concerning 'im : 5385 He buggers the choir 5386 As they sing "Ave Maria," 5387And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. 5388% 5389