1[ 2 { 3 "type": "snippet", 4 "category": "dks_many_years_old_news", 5 "text": [ 6 { 7 "id": "dks_many_years_old_news_1", 8 "text": "DISASTER IN THE SARITANIA MINES! A copper mine west of Saritania, a small town in Vermont, collapsed Wednesday, killing an estimated thirty miners in the disaster. Local officials could not be reached for comment, despite the mine being Saritania's primary industry." 9 }, 10 { 11 "id": "dks_many_years_old_news_2", 12 "text": "ALIENS AMONG US! Janine Galfrizowich, of Martha's Vineyard, wrote in to our Paranormal Investigation Staff with this cryptic gem. \"They're always watching, always watching from the shadows. Stealing my avocados and watching! They took my neighbor and made him into one of them!\" Our journalists are trying to track Mrs Galfrizowich down, but it is clear enough that this ties into the well known Avocado Conspiracy (see issue 24, volume 7)." 13 }, 14 { 15 "id": "dks_many_years_old_news_3", 16 "text": "EDITORIAL: ALIENS ARE BACK IN A BIG WAY. We've all seen that autopsy video that's making the rounds. I'm not going to say if I believe it's real or not (I will say \"I want to believe\" though!) but regardless of the truth, one thing is clear: the public mind is completely addicted to aliens in the biggest way I've seen since ET was popular. What's brought little green men back into the public eye? It's anyone's guess, but personally I think it's a concerning sign that we're culturally digging in to a second Cold War." 17 }, 18 { 19 "id": "dks_many_years_old_news_4", 20 "text": "EDITORIAL: MORE HOMES NEED GUNS. While visiting a friend recently, our conversation turned to gun control, and I was shocked to learn that my close friend didn't own a firearm. In this day and age, not having a weapon in your home shows an appalling lack of personal safety, and I told him so. Weapons that can kill are our only hope against other people armed similarly. I see a utopia of honest citizens keeping each other honest by being armed." 21 }, 22 { 23 "id": "dks_many_years_old_news_5", 24 "text": { 25 "str": "GENERAL PROMOTED ONBOARD OLD IRONSIDES. The USS Constitution was the site of a promotion ceremony held by the Massachusetts National Guard at the Charlestown Navy Yard. Col. Ariel Dabrowski was promoted to the rank of brigadier general in the Massachusetts National Guard in front of a crowd massed on the deck of the historic ship. General Carlsberg officiated the promotion ceremony, and Maj. Gen. Michael Baker administered the oath of office.", 26 "//NOLINT(cata-text-style)": "intentional format" 27 } 28 }, 29 { 30 "id": "dks_many_years_old_news_6", 31 "text": "ATOMIC DEREGULATION? President Toffer announced to a mixed crowd today that he had sponsored a bill to deregulate public use of radioactive compounds, allowing more widespread use of low-grade radioactive compounds in home appliances. \"Plutonium is the greenest energy we have,\" he told an assembled press. \"It's time we got over our fear and moved into the light.\" The future of the environment is expected to be a hot campaign issue this year as election season rolls up." 32 }, 33 { 34 "id": "dks_many_years_old_news_7", 35 "text": "NUCLEAR BLUES. Just this morning, President Toffer expressed disappointment in the final draft in the controversial \"21st Century Nuclear Innovation Act\" that was just passed through the House today, \"establishing new FDA procedures for the regulation of radiation\" among other things. \"Mark my words,\" Toffer said during a press conference. \"Today is the day that America turned to darkness.\"" 36 } 37 ] 38 }, 39 { 40 "type": "snippet", 41 "category": "dks_years_old_news", 42 "text": [ 43 { 44 "id": "dks_years_old_news_1", 45 "text": "DRIVING ON A WING AND A PRAYER: A New England man has proven it is possible to create a new car from scrap parts using almost nothing but duct tape. When asked why he had done it, his answer was \"Well, I didn't have a welder.\"" 46 }, 47 { 48 "id": "dks_years_old_news_2", 49 "text": "STUDENT MISSING: A high school student vanished yesterday evening in the forest near Wayland. The 17-year-old international student from China (who adopted the anglicized nickname \"Brett\" due to his classmates' difficulty pronouncing his given name) was last seen with his friends in the camp. \"Brett said that he was gonna get some firewood but he never came back,\" said his classmate, Jianxiang Wang. The search is underway." 50 }, 51 { 52 "id": "dks_years_old_news_3", 53 "text": "STILL SEARCHING: The search for Brett, the high school student who went missing three days ago, is still ongoing. \"He could have played in the soccer game against Weston High School yesterday,\" Brett's sorrowful teammate said, \"[..] we've never stopped praying.\" Despite the best efforts of the County Search & Rescue, Brett had still not been located at the time of this report." 54 }, 55 { 56 "id": "dks_years_old_news_4", 57 "text": "POPULAR 'ALIEN AUTOPSY' DEBUNKED. A widely circulated video, making the rounds everywhere from FriendFace to television news, has been debunked as a fake. This extremely realistic and graphic alien autopsy shows an insect-like creature being dismantled by Japanese researchers, who comment on its anatomy in Japanese throughout the video. Yesterday, on the popular social media website Eddit, a 'making of' video was posted, clearly exposing the work as the final film project of a small group of students at UCLA." 58 }, 59 { 60 "id": "dks_years_old_news_5", 61 "text": "BIG BREAK. At the pressure of tech moguls like Elton Moosek, a new bipartisan bill has set aside a big boost for long underfunded NASA. \"It's time we started looking at opportunities beyond our own atmosphere,\" says a spokesperson for Edison Automotives. This space fad is no doubt tied to a new collaborative in the tech industry, secretively nicknamed \"Project Bluebox.\"" 62 } 63 ] 64 }, 65 { 66 "type": "snippet", 67 "category": "dks_one_year_old_news", 68 "text": [ 69 { 70 "id": "dks_one_year_old_news_1", 71 "text": "READY FOR THE WORST. In response to growing public concern about a potential attack from China and increased prevalence of natural disasters, President Loft announced a major funding initiative for the construction of FEMA-supported community shelters near major population sites. \"These shelters will provide a much-needed near safety points in an emergency,\" said a spokesperson for FEMA. \"In short, they are public survivalist bunkers, fitted with food, water, and clothing for any number of natural disasters in the foreseeable future. We've very excited about this initiative.\"" 72 }, 73 { 74 "id": "dks_one_year_old_news_2", 75 "text": "TURNING UP THE HEAT: New statistics suggest the average temperature in New England has climbed several degrees in the last two years. \"No doubt crops are going to start suffering unless something is done,\" said an expert." 76 }, 77 { 78 "id": "dks_one_year_old_news_3", 79 "text": "EDITORIAL: SOCIAL MEDIA HAS GOTTEN OUT OF HAND, AND GONE OUT OF COUNTRY. We can no longer trust what we read, and it's all because of social media. Although our newspaper takes painstaking efforts to source our data, our colleagues have forgotten what it means to be a journalist, and widespread falsehoods are repeated even by reputable publications as fact. What is the ultimate source of all this misinformation? It's anyone's guess, but I think we need look no further than our largest international trade partner and rival, China." 80 }, 81 { 82 "id": "dks_one_year_old_news_5", 83 "text": "EDITORIAL: THIS IS WHERE 'ME TOO' ENDS UP. It's been a while now since 'Me Too' swept the message boards of our nation, but its repercussions are felt every day. Disconnected from our identities and our heritage by the overwhelming urge to suppress the white male and hide his every achievement, American citizens are turning to violence to find a place of belonging. Mark my words: within a year, there will be a reckoning, and it won't be caused by the trade war, it will be from the broken heart of America." 84 }, 85 { 86 "id": "dks_one_year_old_news_6", 87 "text": "EDITORIAL: THE RISE OF THE RIGHT HAS BROUGHT US HERE. As the wounded white male ego becomes more and more of a self-stereotype, we see the cost of allowing right-wing sentiment echoed all around us. A stricter stance on gun control, workplace discrimination, and domestic terrorist groups must be taken if our most marginalized populations are to survive the next year. Everyone is affected by these sorts of issues." 88 }, 89 { 90 "id": "dks_one_year_old_news_7", 91 "text": "NEW LAB OPENS: The Messier Research Facility has been officially opened by NASA right here in New England. According to Deputy Administer Sophie Perla, \"This state of the art facility will catapult us back onto the world stage. With the opening of the Messier research complex, New England has a starry future ahead of it.\"" 92 }, 93 { 94 "id": "dks_one_year_old_news_8", 95 "text": "'SPACE AGE AESTHETIC'. After much buzz in the tech world about \"Project Bluebox\", a new line of what is being termed as 'space-age aesthetic' products have been demoed to a select group of potential investors, particularly NASA administrators. \"The public can look forward to new cutting edge devices hitting the shelves within a year. Prepare to have your horizons broadened.\" a spokesperson said mysteriously this Monday, standing in front of a display case with heavily tinted glass." 96 }, 97 { 98 "id": "dks_one_year_old_news_9", 99 "text": "WHEN I DID MY TIME. We spoke to Dan Huang, the Chinese-American author of the New York Times bestselling exposé \"When I Did my Time\", the story of his three years living with his extended family in China, immersed in what he describes as \"The ever-escalating anti-American propaganda of the East.\"\n\n\"It's a real threat,\" said Huang. \"They are being taught to hate our freedom, and our technology. Mark my words: there is going to be a reckoning, and we need to be ready.\"" 100 }, 101 { 102 "id": "dks_one_year_old_news_10", 103 "text": "IT CAME FROM BEYOND. [Pictured: Margaret Antwerp holds the fragment of alien satellite that landed in her rose garden.] It was a normal day for Margaret. Normal, that is, until a thundering crash in her front yard nearly knocked her house over. \"This damn thing fell right out of space, I tell you,\" she told investigative journalists from our Paranormal Investigations department. \"It was glowing red hot, and it had burnt my prize-winning roses to a crisp.\" The US government and air force have declined to comment, as usual." 104 }, 105 { 106 "id": "dks_one_year_old_news_11", 107 "text": "SAFETY IN YOUR OWN BACKYARD. Growing tensions amid an unstable geopolitical situation and trouble at home has led President Loft to support funding increases for domestic security, as well as new \"green\" initiates now being championed by many private sector industries. New military installations are to be built across the nation, bundled alongside similarly ambitious budget increases for FEMA and scientific research in response to climate change. Civil rights organizations are purportedly mixed on the decision, calling it \"two steps forward, one step back.\"" 108 } 109 ] 110 }, 111 { 112 "type": "snippet", 113 "category": "dks_months_old_news", 114 "text": [ 115 { 116 "id": "dks_months_old_news_1", 117 "text": "SUPPORT THE COUNTRIES THAT SUPPORT YOURS: Washington has announced the deployment of additional soldiers to key locations in East Asia following Chinese joint military exercises with North Korea. \"We pledge our support to our allies, no matter where they are,\" the president said today in a press statement. Our survey results show that the public is more than 56% in favor of a war with China, up 2% from where it was last month." 118 }, 119 { 120 "id": "dks_months_old_news_2", 121 "text": "EVACS UNDER STRESS. Following a recent string of devastating weather-related natural disasters, FEMA sponsored community shelters are under significant stress to stay in stock as the public flocks to their safety. \"We're going to have to start finding new, cost efficient ways to fill those lockers with filling food and warm clothes,\" said FEMA spokesperson Quinn Wright. \"There's no way that we can keep this up with what we have right now.\"" 122 }, 123 { 124 "id": "dks_months_old_news_3", 125 "text": "DO THEY WALK AMONG US? A tenfold spike in sightings of unexplained phenomena, particularly fantastic beasts and monsters, presents an interesting case for sociologists. \"This could be related to the recent popularity of science-fiction and ghost hunting shows,\" said Dr. Sammantha Williamson in an interview. \"During times of stress, it's not unusual for people to start telling stories about the paranormal. It happened in the Cold War with the growing UFO phenomena and the stories about CIA telepathy experiments, for example. People need things to take their mind off the world.\"" 126 }, 127 { 128 "id": "dks_months_old_news_4", 129 "text": "EDITORIAL: HOME CANNING NEEDS TO MAKE A COMEBACK. With food security in question after another severe drought and nationwide wildfires this year, I think it's clear we all need to get out Grandma's old books, and learn how to can again. Grocery stores could be a bit empty this winter, and now is the time to make pickles and preserves while the pickling's good. In this issue, three of our editors share their uplifting stories of rediscovering the joys of home canning." 130 }, 131 { 132 "id": "dks_months_old_news_5", 133 "text": "SUNNY FUTURES. Edison Automotives released a new line of solar-powered vehicles today, as part of their 'space age aesthetic' initiative. \"This is big news for everybody, no less those concerned with global warming as it stands. We could see massive cutbacks in atmospheric carbon dioxide,\" said a spokesperson during the meeting." 134 }, 135 { 136 "id": "dks_months_old_news_6", 137 "text": "ASTRONOMERS READY TO WORK. \"We're really excited to be working alongside Edison and other people just as enthusiastic as we are about the future of space travel,\" said a renowned astronomer at Messier Research Facility after news of Edison inquiries into manned missions into the galaxy was leaked to the Associated Press last week. \"Intergalactic real estate, asteroid mining, you name it.\"" 138 }, 139 { 140 "id": "dks_months_old_news_7", 141 "text": "UNREST CONTINUES IN SOUTH AMERICA, AFRICA. Although reports are inconsistent, it has been confirmed that widespread social unrest in poverty-stricken, disaster-torn regions of Africa and South America, as well as some parts of Indonesia and Asia have continued and only grown in severity. \"It's obvious this is a social media effect,\" said political science professor Dr. Ely Savage. \"Economists have been saying for some time that the current situation of developed nations forcing underdeveloped nations into semi-slavery couldn't last, and now we're seeing the repercussions.\"" 142 }, 143 { 144 "id": "dks_months_old_news_8", 145 "text": "FOODPLACE PANTS FEUD. An ongoing legal battle between popular fast food megalith Foodplace and the non-profit Concerned Consumers of Foodpeople has ended with the determination that the Foodperson costume will remain a gender-neutral, nonrevealing unitard. \"Superheroes are meant to have exaggerated anatomy and revealing costumes,\" a spokesperson from CCF said in a press release. \"This is a sad day not just for fans of Foodplace, but for consumers of the fast-food superhero genre overall.\"" 146 }, 147 { 148 "id": "dks_months_old_news_9", 149 "text": "EDITORIAL: FORGET DRUGS OR FRIENDFACE, VIDEO GAMES BEHIND MORAL FAILURES. I can't believe how many idiots are wasting their time blaming social media or drugs on the decline of our great nation when the answer is obvious: this is the result of letting our kids fall to the moral iniquity of video games. Just last week I saw my kid playing one of those stupid bleep-bloop games, all letters and numbers and symbols. When I asked him what he was doing it was absolutely appalling. Violence. Cannibalism. Humans as cattle. Mermaid abuse. Our government is in the pocket of these video game developers, and we're all paying the price." 150 } 151 ] 152 }, 153 { 154 "type": "snippet", 155 "category": "dks_weeks_old_news", 156 "text": [ 157 { 158 "id": "dks_weeks_old_news_1", 159 "text": "CHINESE AGGRESSION: China took the offensive last week on the country’s disputed border with India, seizing a local village along an important highway. While there was no violence, the UN is scrambling to ease tensions, calling the move \"Hostile for hostility's sake.\" China claims that British land treaties support their actions, saying that they were merely taking back what was rightfully theirs. This has done nothing to assuage national fears of open military conflict as the trade war begins to cut deep." 160 }, 161 { 162 "id": "dks_weeks_old_news_2", 163 "text": "WILD WEATHER. Meteorologists are reported to be \"concerned\" by recent weather patterns, new survey says. Our own weatherman, Farhan Kishor, has this to say: \"Stock up on batteries and food and prepare to stay indoors for a while due to flooding and strong winds. Stay tuned to your local weather station for updates. We're in store for a big one, folks.\"" 164 }, 165 { 166 "id": "dks_weeks_old_news_3", 167 "text": "GIVING BACK: PUTTING THE \"COMMUNITY\" IN COMMUNITY SHELTERS. A FEMA spokesperson is unveiling a new community-lead effort today: tax deductions in return for donations of canned goods. \"This will be a great way for local communities to get excited about what we're doing here and invest in their own safety.\"" 168 }, 169 { 170 "id": "dks_weeks_old_news_4", 171 "text": "METEOR SHOWERS TONIGHT, NATIONWIDE. Keep your eyes peeled for the sudden appearance of a surprise meteor shower tonight, visible around midnight in the night sky. Local stargazers are saying that this is a surprise, but a welcome one. \"It's not often that you get to see this sort of thing with your own eyes quite so clearly,\" says astrologist Paul O'Ryan." 172 }, 173 { 174 "id": "dks_weeks_old_news_5", 175 "text": "\"TAKE YOUR FREEDOM IN YOUR OWN HANDS.\" In a surprise press conference today, the president and senior military figures revealed shocking information on an impending foreign attack. \"It's time to take freedom into your own hands,\" President Loft said when addressing the crowd, urging them to enlist in the armed forces immediately. \"We don't know when or where they will strike, but they mean to do as much harm as possible to our sovereignty as a nation, to citizens of the United States, and to the world as a whole.\" Washington has refused to comment further." 176 }, 177 { 178 "id": "dks_weeks_old_news_6", 179 "text": "WORLD READIES FOR WAR? In a message directly from the United Nations, several leaders warn that citizens of major metropolitan areas should immediately begin packing for impending evacuation orders in light of a \"novel threat to world peace\". The President of the United States is urging enlistment of all able bodied volunteers, and no doubt a draft is to follow as the world mobilizes. The enemy, though? Nobody knows." 180 }, 181 { 182 "id": "dks_weeks_old_news_7", 183 "text": "TENSIONS SKYROCKET. The streets are packed today as people rush to the supermarkets in order to buy supplies for impending conflict as warned by the President a week ago. A local woman, Jesse Clarke, has this to say: \"Nobody knows what's going on or what's going to happen, but we know it's going to be bad.\"" 184 }, 185 { 186 "id": "dks_weeks_old_news_8", 187 "text": "YOUR BUG-OUT BAG. In this issue we focus on tips and tricks to packing your bug-out bag. Whether you're near an urban center or in a small town, if you don't already have an emergency kit, you need one while supplies are still available. Don't be the one person caught without a lighter when you need a fire!" 188 }, 189 { 190 "id": "dks_weeks_old_news_9", 191 "text": "LOCAL EVACUATION ORDERS. FEMA has announced small-scale evacuations of select centers where hostile activity is supposedly supposed to be most intense. \"This is a preventive measure,\" Spokesperson Linda Garrison told our correspondent. \"We expect to have people home in a few days, but it's best we play it safe until then.\"" 192 }, 193 { 194 "id": "dks_weeks_old_news_10", 195 "text": "EDITORIAL: CHINESE PSY-OP. Just a week ago we were gearing up for war against our enemy to the East, now we're holding hands and singing kumbaya? I don't think so. President Loft has always been limp-wristed, but now he's either taking money for him or they're beaming psionic waves into his head. I know that sounds crazy, but what could make a man turn on his own country like this? I don't buy the supposed \"aliens\" line he's selling us for a second. Vote to impeach NOW!" 196 } 197 ] 198 }, 199 { 200 "type": "snippet", 201 "category": "dks_newest_news", 202 "text": [ 203 { 204 "id": "dks_newest_news_1", 205 "text": "EVACUATION ALERT: FEMA officials said today \"Do not try to defend your property. Please retreat to your nearest evacuation center and await extraction to a safe facility. Military officials require all civilians to be removed from hot sites for potential hostile strikes.\"" 206 }, 207 { 208 "id": "dks_newest_news_2", 209 "text": "BLOOD IN THE STREETS. [Pictured: A grainy image of a terrifying war machine prowling a body-strewn street, taken from between curtains.] The police didn't stand a chance, neither did the National Guard, and neither will you. Stay hidden. Stay alert. This will be our last issue." 210 }, 211 { 212 "id": "dks_newest_news_3", 213 "text": "A BRIDGE TOO FAR. In a statement Monday, the Department of Defense detailed its plans to deploy strategic minefields on key bridge crossings, in order to slow down invading ground forces. \"Military personnel will be on-site to assist any refugees fleeing the hot zones. We urge citizens to comply with all military directives and proceed directly to evacuation centers for relocation.\"" 214 }, 215 { 216 "id": "dks_newest_news_4", 217 "text": "GLOBAL BOMBING: Coordinated bombing strikes have decimated major cities across the globes, as well as numerous key infrastructure such as power plants and highways. A statement from the Pentagon has been issued, stating that civilians are to shelter indoors, preferably in a basement or other interior location. Allegations that enemy troops have been spotted on the ground have not been confirmed or denied at this time, but military officials warn that they should NOT be engaged if present." 218 }, 219 { 220 "id": "dks_newest_news_5", 221 "text": "THE WRATH OF AN ANGRY GOD. [Pictured, the Empire State Building and surrounding skyscrapers are obliterated by multiple concentrated rays of energy that erupt from the sky. A massive, dark shape is just visible through the clouds.] Prepare supplies immediately. If you must travel, do not go in large groups or draw attention to yourself in any way. All major roadways are to be considered closed at this time, either blocked or destroyed. Stand strong." 222 }, 223 { 224 "id": "dks_newest_news_6", 225 "text": "PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: \"Aid Delayed\". Fighting by the military in and around the New England Exclusion Zone is expected to delay civilian extraction. Civilians will be forced to supply themselves over the next weeks. Sources indicate this problem is widespread in other major population centers, but aggravated locally by the very high number of bombing targets and enemy ground forces over the last two days." 226 }, 227 { 228 "id": "dks_newest_news_7", 229 "text": "PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: \"New England Cut Off\". New England, like many other major urban areas, has been designated a \"military exclusion zone\". No further evacuation attempts will be funded; all survivors in the area are to be considered under occupation of hostile non-state actors. Citizens still in the area are encouraged to shelter in place and advised not approach active military personnel in the area, as doing so will directly interfere with ongoing operations. Cellular and land-based communication grids have been blocked by large numbers of people attempting to contact loved ones. It is recommended that civilians avoid use of these tools for all but the most urgent messages." 230 }, 231 { 232 "id": "dks_newest_news_8", 233 "text": "ALIEN INVADERS. Amidst the violence of this invasion, we can no longer disregard reports of so-called unidentified flying objects and hostile robots on the ground. Government sources could not be reached to confirm or deny these reports, but our own reporters confirm it with photographic evidence shown below." 234 } 235 ] 236 } 237] 238