xref: /dports/games/nonsense/nonsense-0.6/newspaper.data

DEFAULT
{Headline}

HEADLINE
{HeadlinePrefix} {HeadlineNews}
{HeadlineNews}{HeadlineSuffix}
{HeadlineNews}
{HeadlineStudy}
{HeadlinePrefix} {HeadlineStudy}
{HeadlineTabloid}
{HeadlinePrefix} {HeadlineTabloid}
{HeadlineOpinion}
{HeadlineSports}

HEADLINEFRONTPAGE
{HeadlineNews}
{HeadlineNews}
{HeadlineNews}
{HeadlineNews}
{HeadlineStudy}
{HeadlineSports}

HEADLINENEWS
{CongressCritter} Takes Taxpayer-Funded Hawaii Vacation
Gas Prices Rise {#2-5} Cents Nationwide, Motorists Panic
{AreaMan} Puts Election Vote For Sale On eBay, Bidding Up To ${#1-9},000
Convicted Kidnapper Gets Kidnapped In {USState}
Governor {LastName} Failed High School Gym Class
Federal Government Declares {HeadlineCompany} {DangerousProduct}(tm) Unsafe
Oklahoma Set To Open {#44-50}th Turnpike
{RealCity} City Hall Closed For Pest Control
Surgeon General Sued For Malpractice
President Says He Chugged Beer, But Didn't Swallow
Kleptomania Treatment Center Sign Stolen
Moose Near White House Mistaken For Senator {LastName}
Tornado Hits Mobile Home Park For The {#10-20}th Time This Month
"Green Peace" Ship Collides With Oil Tanker, Causes Huge Oil Spill
London's "Big Ben" Found To Be {#3-10} Minutes {[Fast|Slow|Wrong}
Local Millionaire Wins ${#10-50} Million In Lottery
Forest Fires Erupt In {USState}, Threaten Top Secret Military Base
Oldest Tree In {RealCity} Cut Down For New {FastFoodJoint} Restaurant
{NeutralCountry} Declares War On US
{NeutralCountry} Launches Nuclear Bomb
Congress Exempts Itself From Income Tax
Audit Reveals Federal Government Spent ${#100-200} Million On {[Toilet Paper|Paperclips|Slide Rules} Last Year
{RealCity} School Board Introduces New Capital Punishment Policy
Nuclear War Kills 6 Billion People, Only {#3-7} Billion Roaches & {#2-5} Newspaper Journalists Survive
{AreaMan} Invents Better Mousetrap, Patent Lawyers Beat A Path To His Door
{USState} Teachers On Strike, Students Ecstatic
Congress Passes The "It's For The Children Act Of 2000"
{Person} and {Person} Declared "Town Drunks" By {City} City Council
Convicted Felon Wins Election; He Was Unopposed
{AreaMan} Fired After Being Late To Work, Blames Daylight Saving Time Change
Flash Flood Wipes Out Junkyard, Neighbors Ecstatic
{NeutralCountry} Invades {NeutralCountry}, {#50-200} Killed
{PublicSchoolFullName} To Require Uniforms, Students Plan To Strike
{PublicSchoolFullName} Student Suspended {#3-10} Days For {[Talking In Class|Doodling|Using Independent Thought|Not Smiling Enough}
"Nonsense" Author Wins ${#4-10} Million Lottery Prize
Wal-Mart Supercenter Causes Last Mom & Pop Operation In {RealCity} To Close
Membership In The "{OrgPolitical}" Increases By {#10-50}%
{#100-500} Members Of The "{OrgPolitical}" Protest In Front Of City Hall
{AreaMan} Loses Life Savings In Las Vegas Gambling Junket
President Suffers Nosebleed During State Of The Union Address
{AreaMan} Falsely Accused Of Jaywalking
{AreaMan} Receives ${#1-9}{digit}{digit},{digit}{digit}{digit} Hospital Bill By Mistake
{AreaMan} Held Hostage By The Radical "{OrgPolitical}"
Al Gore Appointed Ambassador To Chad!

HEADLINEOPINION
{HeadlineOpinionPrefix} {HeadlineOpinionWhat}
{HeadlineOpinionPrefix} {HeadlineOpinionWhat}
"{HeadlineOpinionWhat}" Says Columnist {Person}

HEADLINEOPINIONPREFIX
Opinion:
Today's Rant:
Letter To The Editor:
Columnist {Person}:
Editorial:
Daily Soapbox:

HEADLINEOPINIONWHAT
Corn Prices Are As High As An Elephant's Eye
{HeadlineLocalOfficial} {LastName} Is A Moron
This Season's TV Sitcoms Really Suck
Microsoft Windows Is A Load Of Crap
We Need A US Constitution Version 2.0
Everyone Wants A New Taxpayer-Funded Stadium, Except Taxpayers
Can You Believe What {CongressCritter} Just Did?
It's All A Vast {[Left|Right}-Wing Conspiracy
{RealCity} Needs To Erect 'Speed Trap Ahead' Road Signs
The Federal Government Sends Another ${#10-50} Billion Down The Drain
{FastFoodJoint}'s Latest Promotion Is A Joke
Shakespeare Was Right: Let's Kill All The Lawyers
'Your Tax Dollars At Work' Road Signs Are A Waste Of Your Tax Dollars
I'm Renouncing My US Citizenship And Moving To {[Venezuala|Belize|Madagascar|Timbuktu}
Something Needs To Be Done About That Pothole On {Street}
This Is The {[Fourth|Fifth|Sixth} Time My Bank Has Been Acquired By Another Company
Why Does Everybody Hog The Left Lane On The Interstate?
It's Impossible To Lose Weight When You Live Next To A {FastFoodJoint}
Put The Cell Phone Away And Pay Attention To The Road
That Billboard On {Street} Is Offensive
Vote Yes On Proposition {^Letter}
If Proposition {^Letter} Passes, I'm Moving Away From This State
If {Person} Wins The Election For {HeadlineLocalOfficial}, I'm Going To Puke
The '{OrgPolitical}' Has Gone Too Far

HEADLINETABLOID
Giant Mutant Cockroaches Created By Scientists At {University}
UFOs Invade {RealCity}, {#100-200} Abducted
"Killer Beagle" On The Loose In {USState}
{^Animal} With Two Heads Found Near Nuclear Plant
Computer Possessed By Satanic Daemon
Fort Knox Gold Is Really Silver
Movie Star {Person} Suffers From {MedicalCondition}!
Elvis Sighted In {RealCity}
{CelebrityDead} Really Died From {MedicalCondition}!
{CelebrityMale} and {CelebrityFemale} Elope To Las Vegas!
Photos From The Secret {CelebrityMale} and {CelebrityFemale} Wedding
{CelebrityFemale} Claims She Was Abducted By Aliens At Age {#5-16}
{Celebrity} Caught In Middle Of Bizarre Love Triangle!
Is {Celebrity} A {[Communist|Fascist|Vampire}?  No, But It Makes A Good Headline Anyway
{Celebrity} Held For Ransom By {NeutralCountry} Terrorists!
"I Was Spanked By {CelebrityMale}!" Says {RealCity} {Occupation}
{#100-999} Men Have Their Names Legally Changed To "{CelebrityMale}"
{#100-999} Women Legally Change Their Names To "{CelebrityFemale}"
Guardian Angel {[Murders|Kills|Slaughters} {RealCity} {Occupation}
Cannibals Order Pizza, Then Eat Deliveryman!
The Titanic Was Sunk By A Submarine From {NeutralCountry}!
{CelebrityMale} Moons Dinner Guests
Clairvoyant {^Animal} Earns Gambler ${#10-20} Million!
"I Look Just Like {Celebrity} And I Can't Stand It Anymore!" Says Upset {USStateAdjective}
{FastFoodJoint} Mascot Gets Audited By The IRS!
{^Animal} Undergoes Sex-Change Operation In {USState}!
{NeutralCountry} Building Tunnel Through Earth To Attack United States!
New Study Claims {#3-7} Out Of 10 Americans Are Reincarnated In {NeutralCountry}
{HeadlineCompany} Releases Condoms... For Your Pet {^Animal}
{Celebrity} Impersonators Hold National Convention In {RealCity}
Exposed: {CelebrityMale} Gay Love Letters!
Revealed: {CelebrityFemale} Lesbian Love Letters!
"I'm Carrying {CelebrityMale}'s Baby!" Says {CelebrityFemale}
{CelebrityFemale} Goes Berserk!
{CelebrityMale} Kicked Out By Wife
{CelebrityMale}'s Drunken Binge Caught On Tape!
{CelebrityMale} And {CelebrityFemale} Secret Divorce {[Plan|Deal|Pact|Agreement}
{CelebrityFemale} Falls For {CelebrityMale}
{Celebrity} Suicide Watch
{CelebrityMale} Shacks Up With {CelebrityFemale}
{Celebrity} Loses Life Savings In Pyramid Scheme
{CelebrityFemale}: "{[Breast Implants|Liposuction|Plastic Surgery} Saved My Career!"
{CelebrityFemale} Voted "Babe Of The Year"
{Celebrity} Wins Nobel Prize
Bill Clinton {[Museum|Library} Built Near Sex Shop
Bill Clinton Becomes {[Editor Of|Official Breast Inspector For|Head Photographer} For {[Playboy|Playdude|Penthouse} Magazine
"{[Survivor|Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?|Jeopardy|Wheel Of Fortune}" Is {[One Big Scam|Rigged}!
{CelebrityFemale} Gains {#30-50} Pounds!
All {[Fat People|Vegetarians|Republicans|Democrats} Will Go To Hell, Says TV Evangelist!
{CelebrityFemale} Reveals Her Battle With Depression In Sensational Tell-All Book
{CelebrityMale} Paid Ex-Lover ${#10-50} Million, Now Wants It Back
{CelebrityDead} Killed As Part Of {[FBI|CIA|Alien|Canadian|Mexican} Conspiracy!
{CelebrityDead} Was Really Abducted By Aliens
{CelebrityFemale}'s Breast Implants Explode!
{CelebrityFemale}'s Lost Baby Discovered In {USState}!
{CelebrityFemale} Wants To Have {CelebrityMale}'s Baby!

HEADLINESTUDY
New Study Reveals {HeadlineStudyWhat}
{University} Study Finds {HeadlineStudyWhat}
{HeadlineStudyWhat}, New Study Claims
Researchers Discover {HeadlineStudyWhat}

HEADLINESTUDYWHAT
Used Car Commercials Cause {MedicalCondition}
{#40-75}% Of Citizens Can't Name The {HeadlineFederalOfficial}
{#40-99}% Of {USState} Residents Can't Name Their {HeadlineLocalOfficial}
Dog Biscuits Reduce The Risk Of {MedicalCondition}
"Santa Claus" Is A Scam Used By Toy Companies To Increase Sales
{#30-60}% Of Medical Studies Are {[Scams|Bogus}
{#30-60}% Of Studies Later Turn Out To Be False
{#30-99}% Of Statistics Are {[False|Wrong|Misleading}
{#40-99}% Of America Online CDs Are Used As {[Frisbees|Drink Coasters|Skeet Shoot Targets}
{HeadlineCompany} {DangerousProduct}(tm) Caused {#100-200} Deaths Last Year
{#30-99}% Of School Cafeteria "Mystery Meat" Dishes Don't Actually Contain Meat
{#50-99}% Of US Congressmen Are Multi-Millionaires
2 + 2 = 5, For Extremely Large Values Of 2
The Passage Of Time Slows Down By {#5-20}% When In-Laws Are Nearby
{#10-50}% Of Readers Believe Tabloid Articles Are Always True
{#80-99}% Of Naysayers Always Say Nay
{#30-70}% Of {USState} Residents Believe The Internet Is Evil
John Hancock's Signature On The Declaration Of Independence Was A Forgery
{#10-30}% Of Deaths Are Caused By Dihydrogen Monoxide
PI Is Really Equal To 3.{digit#5-10}!

HEADLINETEASER
Dave Barry: "My Tax Audit"
Dave Barry Plugs His New Book
Dave Barry: "I Am Not Making This Up"
Dave Barry: "Okay, So Maybe I Am Making This Up"
Dave Barry: "Yet Another Column About Bodily Functions"
Dear Abby Says "Get A Divorce"
Dear Abby Says "Will You Quit Asking Me These Stupid Questions?"
Mr. Food: "Spinach Surprise"
Mr. Food: "101 {[Shrimp|Turnip|Lettuce} Recipes"
Today's Crappy TV Lineup
Ask Dr. Aitchemoh: "What Causes {MedicalCondition}?"

HEADLINEPREFIX
Breaking News:
This Just In:
Stop The Presses:
Top Story:

HEADLINESUFFIX
: An Exclusive Report
!  Film At 11.
: A Special Report

NEUTRALCOUNTRY
Andorra
Switzerland
Leichtenstein
San Marino
Monaco
Iceland
Greenland
Finland

DANGEROUSPRODUCT
Chocolate Covered Wasps
Toy Electric Chair
Bag-O-Rusty-Nails
Chewable Morphine
Asbestos-On-A-Stick
Hand Grenade, Jr.

HEADLINEFEDERALOFFICIAL
Supreme Court Chief Justice
Secretary Of Education
Secretary Of State

HEADLINELOCALOFFICIAL
State Senator
US Senator
State Representative
US Representative
State Auditor

HEADLINECOMPANY
Acme
Ronco
Drugco
Bigco

FILLERTEXT
{FillerParagraph}
{FillerParagraph}{FillerParagraph}
{FillerParagraph}{FillerParagraph}{FillerParagraph}

FILLERPARAGRAPH
  &nbsp{FillerLines}{FillerLines}{FillerLineEnd}
  &nbsp{FillerLines}{FillerLines}{FillerLines}{FillerLineEnd}
  &nbsp{FillerLines}{FillerLines}{FillerLines}{FillerLines}{FillerLineEnd}

FILLERLINES
____ ______ ___ _____ ____ ___ _ _____ ___ _______ ____ __ ________ ____
___ _____ ______ ___ _____ __ ___ ____ _______ ______ ___ _ _______ ____
____ ____ _________ __ ____ ____ __ _____ ______ _______ ____ ___ __ ___
_ ____ ___ _____ ___ ___ ____ _____ ____ ____ _____________ ___ _____ __

FILLERLINEEND
___<BR>
__<BR>
_ __<BR>

SUBLINE
By {Person}
{Person}, Staff Writer
{Person}, Freelance Reporter
Associated Press
Special to the {$PaperName}
An Investigative Report
A Special Report
Exclusive Report
{SublineQuote}
{SublineQuote}

SUBLINEQUOTE
"It was horrible," says {SublineQuoteWho}.
"I've never seen anything like it," exclaims {SublineQuoteWho}.
"Holy cow!" say {SublineQuoteWho}s
"I still can't believe it", says stunned {SublineQuoteWho}
"It was something to see," says {SublineQuoteWho}.
"We'll be talking about this for years", exclaims {SublineQuoteWho}.

SUBLINEQUOTEWHO
observer
bystander
onlooker

TEMPLATEWEATHER
{TemplateWeatherSummer}
{TemplateWeatherWinter}

TEMPLATEWEATHERSUMMER
Sunny<BR>High {#78-105}, Low {#60-77}
Partly Cloudy<BR>High {#78-100}, Low {#65-77}
Overcast<BR>High {#78-95}, Low {#65-77}
Overcast & Gloomy<BR>{#78-89}, Low {#65-77}
Showers<BR>High {#78-95}, Low {#60-77}
Rain<BR>High {#78-93}, Low {#60-77}
T-Storms<BR>High {#78-100}, Low {#65-77}
Sultry & Steamy<BR>High {#90-105}, Low {#74-89}
Hot & Hellish<BR>High {#90-105}, Low {#74-89}

TEMPLATEWEATHERWINTER
Sunny<BR>High {#35-50}, Low {#15-34}
Partly Cloudy<BR>High {#30-45}, Low {#22-29}
Overcast<BR>High {#30-42}, Low {#24-29}
Overcast & Gloomy<BR>High {#30-42}, Low {#24-29}
Arctic Cold<BR>High {#15-25}, Low {#0-14}
Rain<BR>High {#35-50}, Low {#25-34}
Mixed Precip<BR>High {#28-42}, Low {#25-27}
Snow<BR>High {#28-34}, Low {#24-27}
Blizzard<BR>High {#28-34}, Low {#24-27}

TEMPLATETOPSTORY
<B>{HeadlineNews}</B>
<SMALL><I>{HeadlinePrefix}</I></SMALL><BR><B>{HeadlineNews}</B>
<BIG>{HeadlineNews}</BIG>
<B><BIG>{HeadlineNews}</BIG></B>

TEMPLATETOPITEM
{HeadlineNews}
{HeadlineOpinion}
{HeadlineSports}
{HeadlineTabloid}
{HeadlineStudy}
{HeadlineTeaser}
{HeadlineTeaser}

HEADLINESPORTS
{HeadlineSportsPro}
{HeadlineSportsPro}
{HeadlineSportsCollege}
{HeadlineSportsSchool}

HEADLINESPORTSPRO
{BaseballTeam} {#5-10}, {BaseballTeam} {#0-4}
{BaseballTeam} {#8-15}, {BaseballTeam} {#0-7}
{BaseballTeam} {#3-12}, {BaseballTeam} {#0-2}
{BaseballTeam} Win {^Ordinal} Game Against {BaseballTeam} This Season
{BaseballTeam} Extend Their Winning Streak To {#4-15}
{BaseballTeam} Lose {#4-10}th Straight Game
{BaseballTeam} {HeadlineSportsVerb} The {BaseballTeam} {#7-10}-{#0-4}
{BaseballTeam} Beat The {BaseballTeam} {#4-6}-{#1-3} After {#10-14} Innings
{BaseballTeam} Sign Contract With {BaseballPosition} {FirstNameMale} {LastName} For ${#25-50} Million
{BaseballTeam} {BaseballPosition} {FirstNameMale} {LastName} Placed On Disabled List
{BaseballTeam} {BaseballPosition} {FirstNameMale} {LastName} Diagnosed With {MedicalCondition}
{BaseballTeam} {BaseballPosition} {FirstNameMale} {LastName} Made {#3-10} Errors In Last Night's Game
{FootballTeam} {#14-60}, {FootballTeam} {[0|3|6|7}
{FootballTeam} {#21-42}, {FootballTeam} {#7-20}
{FootballTeam} {#30-50}, {FootballTeam} {#14-29}
{FootballTeam} Win {#4-15}th Straighth Game
{FootballTeam} Lose {#4-10}th Straight Game
{FootballTeam} {HeadlineSportsVerb} The {FootballTeam} {#21-50}-{#0-20}
{FootballTeam} {FootballPosition} {FirstNameMale} {LastName} Placed On Disabled List

HEADLINESPORTSCOLLEGE
{CollegeFootballTeam} Wins The {RealCompany} Bowl
{CollegeFootballTeam} {#21-60}, {CollegeFootballTeam} {#7-20}
{CollegeFootballTeam} {#30-50}, {CollegeFootballTeam} {#14-29}
{CollegeFootballTeam} Suffered {#3-5} Injuries In Yesterday's Game

HEADLINESPORTSSCHOOL
{PublicSchool} {SportsTeam} Win {[Baseball|Softball|Soccer} Tournament
{City} {SportsTeam} Win {[American Legion|Little League|Triple-A} World Series
{City} {SportsTeam} {HeadlineSportsVerb} The {City} {SportsTeam} {#5-10}-{#0-4}
{City} {SportsTeam} {HeadlineSportsVerb} The {City} {SportsTeam} {#21-35}-{#0-14}
{City} {SportsTeam} {#5-10}, {City} {SportsTeam} {#0-4}
{City} {SportsTeam} {#21-35}, {City} {SportsTeam} {#0-14}

HEADLINESPORTSVERB
Beat
Beat
Trounce
Clobber
Rout
Pummel
Defeat
Conquer
Whip
Shellac

BASEBALLTEAM
Angels
Astros
A's
Blue Jays
Braves
Brewers
Cardinals
Cubs
Devil Rays
Diamondbacks
Dodgers
Expos
Giants
Indians
Mariners
Marlins
Mets
Orioles
Padres
Pirates
Rangers
Red Sox
Reds
Rockies
Royals
Tigers
Twins
White Sox
Yankees

BASEBALLPOSITION
Pitcher
Catcher
First Baseman
Second Baseman
Third Baseman
Outfielder

FOOTBALLTEAM
49ers
Bears
Bengals
Bills
Broncos
Browns
Buccaneers
Cardinals
Chargers
Chiefs
Colts
Cowboys
Dolphins
Eagles
Falcons
Giants
Jaguars
Jets
Lions
Packers
Panthers
Patriots
Raiders
Rams
Ravens
Redskins
Saints
Seahawks
Steelers
Titans
Vikings

FOOTBALLPOSITION
Quarterback
Fullback
Halfback
Kicker
Safety
Linebacker

COLLEGEFOOTBALLTEAM
{USState}
{USState} State
{USState} Tech
{USState} A&M
{[Central|Northern|Western|Eastern|Southern} {USState}

SPORTSTEAM
{BaseballTeam}
{FootballTeam}
Tigers
Indians
Bears
Mules
Wildcats
Wolverines

CELEBRITY
{CelebrityMale}
{CelebrityFemale}

CELEBRITYMALE
David Letterman
Jay Leno
Dan Rather
Jerry Seinfeld
Michael Jordan
Michael Jackson
Rush Limbaugh
Howard Stern
Al Gore
Bill Clinton
Bob Dole
Dan Quayle
George W. Bush
Fidel Castro
Slobidan Milosevich
Saddam Hussein
Elvis Presley
Regis Philbin
Mel Gibson
Elton John
Robert Downey Jr.
Harrison Ford
Ted Kennedy
O. J. Simpson
Jerry Springer

CELEBRITYFEMALE
Madonna
Queen Elizabeth
Monica Lewinsky
Britney Spears
Pamela Anderson
Dolly Parton
Julia Roberts
Tipper Gore
Hillary Clinton
Kathie Lee Gifford
Janet Reno
Anna Nicole Smith
Tonya Harding
Vanna White
Meg Ryan
Susan Lucci

CELEBRITYDEAD
Elvis
Elvis
J.F.K.
Princess Di
Princess Diana
JonBenet Ramsey

FASTFOODJOINT
McDonalds
Burger King
Taco Bell
Hardees
Dairy Queen

MEDICALCONDITION
Chronic Headaches
Heart Attacks
High Blood Pressure
Alzeimer's Disease
Insanity
Suicidal Tendencies
Alcoholism
{LastName}'s {[Disorder|Disease}

AREAMAN
Area Man
Local Man
Area Woman
Local Woman
Local Resident
{Occupation}
Local {Occupation}
{Occupation}
{[Village Idiot|Local Idiot|Local Boob|Local Dweeb|Town Fool}

OCCUPATION
Housewife
Webmaster
Fireman
Police Officer
{FastFoodJoint} Manager
Janitor
Teacher
City Alderman
Pointy Haired Boss
Actor
Farmer
Computer Programmer
College Professor